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theexistentiallawyer-blog · 7 years ago

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The 5 Ghosts of a Law Firm’s Past

Every law firm has them. Strike that -- every law practice, whether a government agency or a private practice law firm, has them. They are the five ghosts of legal past, and much like the three ghosts of Christmas past that drone over poor Scrooge in the story, they, too, have something to tell you. For what are we, as young lawyers, but the Scrooge’s of our own Christmas Carol? Preferably the Bill Murray version, but the animated Jim Carry version will suffice. So here they are, the five archetypal lawyers you will meet in almost any legal practice:

1. The Office Scrooge

The office scrooge is an easy one to spot. This is the lawyer that spends most of its time confined within the walls of its own office. The lights are often kept dim, and the boxes of files seem never ending. In the rare occasion that it leaves its own office, the office scrooge can be observed near the coffee maker or the lounge with a characteristic grimace on its face. Be wary of having a conversation with one too early in the morning (or, honestly, at any time). Its tenure as a lawyer has probably spanned over twenty years, so we’re talking about a partner or a chief prosecutor or something like that. Battle hardened and cynical, the office scrooge has seem some sh@t in its day, and the Korea-esque PTSD is visible. Need to know where a file is kept? Wondering about case law in a certain matter? This person probably isn’t your first go-to, unless you want to be sneered at and “buhumbugged” on your way to your cubical/windowless office. But do not be discouraged. Just like Scrooge himself, this person will come around as you move through your legal tenure at the office. You just might be surprised at how knowledgeable they can be, and willing to lend you a hand in the tightest bind. Like I said, they’ve seen some sh@t in their day -- they know a thing or two.

2. The Office Daredevil

This one is certainly no exception in the law firm or legal department setting. A daredevil not in the sense of jumping a ramp with a motorcycle, but one modeled after the Marvel Superhero that is the icon of our profession (sometimes). For those unknowing, Daredevil is a lawyer-by-day and superhero-by-night. Every firm comes complete with one. At the risk of being too gender specific, this lawyer does usually tend to be a guy. One with a daily schedule that seems to go “meeting > gym > court > gym > depositions > gym > go shopping for tight tailored shirts > gym > nightclub.” Who knows, as a younger lawyer, this might even be you! Don’t get too excited, though, because the lawyer that fits this bill perfectly is usually a partner -- one with enough time and money to spend bodybuilding on weeknights and being a community hero on weekends. Although he might not fight crime per se, his heroics come in the form of marathons, charity 5K’s, and community service every single waking moment, complete with Facebook posts and all (because, if you help out the community and don’t post it on Facebook, did you even help anyone?).

3. The Litigious Lion

Barista prepared the coffee with too much sugar? Breach of contract. Phone call from a bank while you’re on the treadmill? Violation of the FDCPA. Doesn’t really matter whether it is warranted or not, this character is always ready to sue. Over pretty much everything. So, you’ll often see this lawyer in the firm ordering lunch into the office. You might see them accidentally skipped-over when the associate makes a coffee-run. This is in no way by accident, because this person’s behavior has pretty much made isolated them from certain firm activities like lunch out, or happy-hour drinks at the local bar after work. This lawyer resembles that friend in your group that you accidentally forget to invite on the Friday night plans (every single Friday). You just can’t take them out, because whatever the situation they will find a way/reason to threaten to sue (even if it’s because they haven’t dressing on the side of the salad). Who fits this bill? Look for the senior associate that has been practicing for a few years, but finally received the jump from office-lackey to “we trust you with the trials, but please don't f**k this up.” The newfound power makes them want to file a complaint in every which way possible -- the word “settlement” does not exist in their vocabulary, to the dismay of all of the partners. So, he or she is left behind from the firm lunch outings, happy-hour events, with the hopes that they will take it down a notch before let out into the common population.

4. The Dude (Abides)

It’s true. We all have a “dude” in the practice. Now, he or she may not directly resemble the archetype that Jeff Bridges set forth in the cult classic film, but certain elements are still present. The dude will often dress too casually for the setting they are in. If you’re in a mid-sized, private practice firm, the dude might be caught in khaki slacks or a sweater-style jacket or blouse too often. If you’re in a government practice, it might resemble the same thing with the occasional pair of jeans thrown in the mix. Think the almighty corporate litigation firms are without their own “dude?” Think again -- they have a few dudes, their dudes are often dude-ier than the rest of them (or as the French say, “dudiér,” probably). They present well in their brooks brothers or bespoke suits, but no sooner than walking into their own offices do the ties come undone, the jackets thrown on the chair (despite a perfect coat rack in the corner) and the sleeves rolled up. All to the dismay of the firm principle (who does he/she think they are, anyways?). Sometimes, you might even find them in an oxford shirt with button-down collar and maybe a a few days’ worth of bird growth. Not enough of a beard to qualify as a “beard,” but just enough to say “I have slept passed my alarm all week long, otherwise I would have shaved.” This is a dead giveaway. What about those in the in-house counsel setting? Well, they are probably all dudes -- in fact, being a dude in the truest sense is almost a requisite to be employed as in-house counsel. Whatever setting they are in, the one sure-fire way to spot a “dude” is that they always, always abide.

5. The Louis Litt

Perhaps the last one you want to deal with, but find yourself in the closest contact with. As a new associate, summer associate, or even law clerk -- we all know the Louis. He or she is the attorney that is either in charge of the associates in a big-law firm setting (as Louis Litt’s character in the show “Suits” does), or an attorney in a private firm, government agency, or other practice environment that takes it upon themselves to...well...”foster your learning and growth as a young attorney.” Translated into English, this entails that they; bombard you with stories of how bad it was when they were an associate and good you have it, speak to you in a language of threats (which are often as hollow as a bird’s nest), and continuously refer to you not by name, but by endearing labels such as “you,” “my office, now,” or “what was your name? Whatever, file this by end of day” (because why would they learn it? You’re a glorified lackey with a Bar Card to them). As you gain experience, you will come to realize that the Louis Litt’s of our world are both a detriment to your existence and a much-needed check on those rare new associates that start day one with a “fear not, I have arrived” demeanor. We can all agree that these new associates, even members of your own cohort, are an embarrassment to all new lawyers and law school graduates alike. As they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Honorable Mention: The Michael Clayton

Why? Well, he or she is the firm’s fixer, just like George Clooney in “Michael Clayton.” The one you call when you’ve f**ked everything up. Which you will, at some point, do. Find this person. Love this person. Buy them coffee. They are your much-needed support.

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