#buhggyvents

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i no longer want to do anything in this life. and its not even that serious. i feel numb

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if i dislime someone its genuinely Really telling because you gotta really suck hard in a very specifically soulless and mean way for me to actively dislike you. Some people i just end up resenting on being neutral on if theyve affected me negatively but for ME to actively dislike YOU is extremely difficult. This is aimed at people who arent in my tumblr circles btw

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tomorrow is my birthday and i feel like it's my last, but i dont know why. like a prophecy written in my brain, a predestined final countdown. i have a lot of emotions to process today, and i dont feel quite ready. i wish i could skip this entirely 💭

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i wonder what's up with me. i'm all smiles and cheers near people, but in the presence of my very self, i feel nothingness. and it bothers me so very much, it feels so wrong, out of place, innapropriate. should i not be full with joy, glee, hope? i've come so far, why do i feel as if i'm back in day zero? why do i frown so? what is wrong with me this time?

there's no answer, there's no question either. no one can come in, no one can come out. i've built such a tall, impenetrable fort around myself — and not fully does it fill me with regret. 'tis necessary, but why's it also another woe? i can never find balance, no, not at all. no amounts of nuance can save me from setting foot in two extremes at once.

why's that? why can't i find a blurred, grey-ridden place of peace for myself? all others have some sort of thing like that; why must i step into the extremes? am i supposed to be that gradient, the grey that unites the black and white? and why me? no, i wouldn't wish this on anyone else, so its futile to ask why 'tis happens to be another role i play. id rather it be me than any other, it is too overbearing to lend into any peer, so i must bear it without a word.

but also, i dont want to. i dont want to let this externally internal voice dictate what i must or mustn't be or do. yet this is me all the same, and i find myself stuck in a paradox. time loop, time anomaly, another samsara-adjacent cycle. ouroboros is almost done eating itself, i fear without a external sign, but that's not possible either, not at all. this conflict, this internal indecision? beyond me. all i know is how to use a nice description here and there, fucking up the words and labels, and finding the oh-so-praised pattern in my time and space.

i've walked on a circle. is this my life? is my life just climbing and climbing, to find no top to this mountain? i have no answers, i barely have the strenght to question; and that's the essence of my very being, so what comes next? if i manage to make sense of all this unwellness, suffering, all this loathing, then what comes after? death is certain to reject me once again, but i would not dare risk losing the few things i still have, or becoming even more cursed, for a pseudo-sense of freedom. what freedom is it to be reborn again? none at all, so i must find out what's happening in this life.

i just hope it won't make me bitter

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i'm mourning the person i am not. this is ridiculous im literally just 17-18

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Just got out of another canon event. Feeling abnormal might kill later

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need to kill something

mutual who has the most bpd flare-up inducing nightmare of all time <- me

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About (LINK) 、 Terms (LINK) 、 Warnings (LINK) 。

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Important (LINK) 、 Taglist (LINK) 、 Links (LINK) 。

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A list of my tags, alongside their respective meanings && contents. I will also explain a thing or two about my tagging — please take your time for as long as needed, if you read this.

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DISCLAIMER :

Tagging may be inconsistent, erratic or otherwise wonky. This has to do with my "missing screws", specifically towards my amnesia and memory loss. Please take my tagging as my struggly form of categorizing things, which helps me personally. I apologize for any mistagging or otherwise innapropriate tagging — I'm doing my best here...

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Not all topics/themes have proper tags, which means I may end using similar tags or using the "unsorted trinkets" tag. My blog is everchanging, so there's a chance some things fitting here could change.

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⠀⠀⠀【 Tag Contents && Meanings 】

[Plain Text: Tag Contents & Meanings]

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PERSONAL YAPPING :

BUHGPOSTING ≈ Posts that I affiliate myself with, want to share, enjoy, or otherwise believe to be relevant. May or may not accompany other tags such as "utmost importance", but I tend to use it for lighthearted things/reblogs/et cetera.

BUHGGYTALK ≈ A tag for when my posts, or my tagging of a post, contain my direct yapping. This may also be used when I reblog a post that has something i'd like to say, but haven't.

BUHGGYVENT ≈ Venting tag, as you may be able to tell. You may hide this if you want — preferrably, if that's okay to request. I will rarely vent, because i hate speaking of anything negative I feel. See this as cries into the echo, please do not feel pressured to answer it/react to it or interact with it at all.

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ME && MY WIFEGUY :

THE HECKERER ≈ Anything that reminds me of my beloved. from terms, to textposts, literally anything. More of a "ITS HIM!!! (?)" tag, may also be used if they show up in my blog personally.

HECKERCORE ≈ A more lighthearted, silly tag, for anything that reminds me of his "—core". For example, labels with technology, personal references, and much more. May be more of a "superficial" tag, compared to "the heckerer".

GO TEAM HEHA ≈ A tag specifically made for us as a couple, which may be used for: ships that are "us" (not in the delusional sense, just "omg theyre just like us fr), posts that fit both of us at the same time, terms that are both of us separately and/or as a couple, et cetera. This one is very silly, and also very personal — it is a reference to "Go Team Venture", from "The Venture Bros", which we are autistic about.

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PEOPLE && COOLIOS :

ARTHROPOOMFS ≈ A silly tag for my mutuals and anyone who I (humbly) consider myself to be in good terms with. May also be used for people I care about, and are in my Tumblr galaxy/circle. A very "buddy" coded tag! The "oomf" is not "one of my followers"/"one of my friends", and moreso the silly phonetics of the shortened term, "oumph".

AWESOMESTS ≈ For people who I particularly admire or otherwise think are cool. This tag is mainly like "woaw ur so pawesome!! jam on!!!", and is not meant to idolize or worship anyone. Its like a silly little badge handmade by me — this may also be used for blogs with gimmicks/dynamics/themes I enjoy.

@ USERNAME / @ (EMOJI [ANON]) ≈ Search WITHOUT the space!! Something (which wasn't added until later on in this blog, and is kinda wonky) for specific users. Will mainly be used for interactions or miscellaneous — coining posts are likely to be exempt, UNLESS the tag is used to signify that the coining post reminded me of that person. For example, I may tag @ lunentity in posts about the moon, or @ gengernoway in posts with silly critters in them.

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CREATIONS && TRINKETS :

SHINY COINS ≈ For any coining posts, either made by me or other users/blogs. Includes both coining posts WITH flags, and WITHOUT flags. May also be used for blogs who do coining posts, specifically for promotion.

SHINY PRETTIES ≈ For anything visually pretty to me (or not, maybe to others) that isn't coining posts. This includes graphics, layouts, icons, banners, and editing resources. May also be pallettes, drawings/paintings/animation/poetry, sprite edits, and much more.

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THE SELF & IDENTITY :

GENDERERISM BOX ≈ Made specifically for anything related gender identities, gender alignments, gender-related experiences, presentations, and similar. May be used for anything indirectly connected to gender, or important topics that correlate directly or indirectly with gender. I may use this tag on bug posts because my gender is bugs, but rarely so.

ORIENTATION STATION ≈ Similar to the above, but made for attractions and orientations. This includes romantic, sexual && tertiary attractions. May also be used for posts indirectly related to such, like for example "save me androgynous guy, save me" (self indulgent example). Will be used for x4x identities (examples: bi4bi, t4t, etc.)!

GOING ON INSTINCT ≈ A tag for all things natural, wild, animalistic && nonhuman. May be used for otherkin/nonhuman posts and terms, for fanart of animal characters, for posts about animals and critters, and instinct-related posts. These themes and their posts may be directly or indirectly connected; the tagging may be erratic. May also have to do with posts/terms regarding natural human experiences, though I generally may avoid using this for real life issues and important things. ALSO INCLUDES NATURE/BIOLOGY STUFF!!!

CHESIRE EMPIRE ≈ This one is for all things related to disabilities, mental illnesses/conditions, as well as symptoms and much more. I also use this for anything that may be potentially linked to my/one's disabilities/conditions/illness/symptoms, but in a lighthearted fashion. Some terms with scary themes are an example of this; namely, disreality and horror. Make sure to use filters so my posts are safe for you to view, in case you are easily paranoid.

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MISCELLANEOUS TAGS :

UTMOST IMPORTANCE ≈ Posts that I consider to have heightened relevance. I often struggle with what things i should or shouldn't tag with this, so please be aware of that if you see something that YOU don't consider should be tagged with it. I am more than glad to receive outside thoughts for this, so long as they are politely given. This ranges from important information, educative posts, time sensitive things and much more.

UNSORTED TRINKETS ≈ Anything that doesn't exactly fit into other tags or that I otherwise don't know how to tag (or don't have a tag for it) will be tagged with this. I also had a time whrre I used this heavily for all posts on reflex, so please excuse if your prior posts had this while fitting nicely into other tags.

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Thank you for reading, as usual. This took me some time to make, make sure to take your time if reading this. Go get some water and some snacks. Have a good one.

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"reaching out is important for the sake of helping others near you, as well as helping yourself feel comfortable to do so when others do it" i say, as i never reach out to anyone about my issues despite helping others gladly (out of raw fear and shame)

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god please take the suffering from every trans woman in the world and give it all to me. just this one. just me. god please give me all the suffering in this world.

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caring so much is really no good for me, but i must retain my whimsy, lest i lose everything in my life. 🪲💧