#bts fanftiction

[namjoonchronicles]

titillate | nj

➤ author’s note: The truth is. Virgos are the toughest to love. Namjoon knows how difficult it is to show emotions, when he’s used to bottling it up. Maybe he just needed some, push. Or maybe, he just needed someone to show an example. So he could learn.

Sound of typing filled the entire room.

His languid, long and slender beautiful fingers glide across the keyboard, dancing over each keys. His hand moving to his mouse, swishing on the mouse pad, clicking and his eyes wildly moving out with extreme focus. The faint smell of coffee lingering in his nostril from the empty cup he left by his charged phone on the large speaker. His tongue still had that sweet taste from the candy you gave him to help him stay up. He was reminded about how coffee is bad for his kidneys and livers if he were to drink them too much, and he wordlessly agree to take minty candies to help him alternate between the two.

His phone beeped outrageously loud all of a sudden and he was careful to not move his lap too much and thanks to his long arms, he was able to tap the 'stop' button before it goes blaring again. You nuzzled your face to his stomach even more, making a small moan that got stuck in your throat while Namjoon is fumbling with the phone to turn off a reminder he didn't remember setting. The note on the reminder says, "...take me to bed." Namjoon blinks twice and glanced at the top of the screen for the time. 2.30AM. He darted his gaze to the screen and then cupped his face with his hands before running them up and down, trying to feel refresh.

He drops his eyes to his lap where you lay your head on, clinging to his sunshine yellow hoodies that he wore to his home studio today. 

"Look at her, making a bed out of my lap. How can someone be so small." He rested his elbow on the arms' rest, placing his cheekbone on the heel of his palm and looked at you, endearingly. He started smiling out of context. And he didn't even realize he was doing it until his cheeks started to hurt. He mashed his lips together, and began cracking his fingers and neck. It was getting so late already, and you had an early morning tomorrow, you told him. But you didn't want to go to sleep without him so you cling on, rest your head on his shoulder, sit in his lap, before you fell asleep.

A pair of plump lips pressed against your forehead, between your brows, on both of your eyelids, on your nose and finally on your lips, sending a whirlwind of dreamy affections into your sleep before Namjoon carried you bridal style into the bedroom you both share. Down the hallway, passing the living room, last door on the left. He was as gentle as he can be, knowing how clumsy he could get, he was extra careful. Even biting his lip, trying not to wake you up as he lay you down on your side of the bed. He unfolded the blanket, and covered you with them. With his warmth nowhere nearby, you furrowed your eyebrows in your sleep, started mumbling his name out. "Okay...okay, hold on." Namjoon whispers as he circled the bed, taking off the current hoodie he was wearing, over his head.

You felt the bed dipped as he climbs on, handing you Koya plushy and his hoodie over to you. You hugged Koya and his hoodie before sighing happily with a smile. "I'm so sorry, I still have a little more to do..." He murmured against your cheek, ghosting his lips on before finally stamping a lingering peck on them, and rubbing your hair, affectionately. He turned to the night lamp and placed his palm on them to turn it on. He switches the main lights of.

While opening the cupboard in the walk-in closet, he exhaled through his nose, hovering his eyes on the long rows of clothes, wondering which new T-shirt he should wear so he doesn't feel cold tonight being half naked and all. He picked one and walked out with it, still balled in his hand. He walked past the bed with a little torch from his phone. Then his attentions flew to a perfume bottle by the make up table, and he picks them up and shook it. He remembered it was heavier when he last used them before he left for Tokyo. He sprays it on his wrist, but it barely got out a sizeable amount. More like a half of a drop.

"Did she use them all up?" Namjoon mumbled to himself, putting the bottle above his eye level hoping to see the amount of liquid left with the little light he has. But he gasped, witnessing that the bottle is completely empty, dry as a desert. He'll have to purchase a new one.

He had a blank, I-didn't-sign-up-for-this face before throwing the empty bottle into the bin underneath your make-up table when he heard a large, papery sound that it hits as it was discarded. It didn't even reach the bottom because of the amount of papers being thrown in it. He hooked his index finger around the brim of the bin out from its hiding place, hovered his torch over the content. What he saw instantly made his heart flutter.

Post-it notes. Two, three, four...perhaps ten crumpled post-it notes with handwritings of black markers on it.

Namjoon grinned and bit his lips before deciding to sit on the floor next to the bed, smoothing each and every post-it notes while crinkling his eyes, cutely. He flattens his palm on each one and began reading.

"I shouldn't call him again. I just got off the phone with him. Why am I like this." Namjoon chuckled. This is fun. It's like he's reading your inner thoughts. You must have been so bothered by it that you began writing them out like this. Long-distance relationship aren't going too well with you this time. And he wasn't even away from 10 days like the last time he went to Los Angeles. It was a nifty 3 days in Tokyo. Just a few hours away. He didn't know you were acting like this while he is abroad. This is so cute though?

"Namjoon has the warmest hands in the entire world. I want those hands. Let me have it."

"It's been two hours since I last saw him. My needy ass decided to facetime him. Worst decision ever. Because now I want to kiss his face."

"I miss him... :'( :'(" Aww. That's adorable.

"I swear the next time he comes home, I'm ripping his passport. And then his clothes," Namjoon narrowed his eyes while grinning and then comments, "She didn't rip my passport but, she did rip my clothes."

"I think I've sighed a thousand times now. I think at this rate, I'm gonna sigh my lungs out. Where is he? I miss my Namjoon. I want my Namjoon."

He literally can't stop smiling now. He was so overwhelmed by these affections from you and even surprised himself on how much he could love someone. "...I miss you too." He sounds like an idiot, talking to a post-it note but he couldn't help it.

He didn't know he was capable of having these feelings. Before he met you, he didn't realised you were going to be so special. It's like you turned him into someone else, someone he didn't know existed within him. It was like a spiritual awakening for him. Something so raw, intense and highly defining. He knew right on, that your soul was pure. He even doubted himself if he was able to embrace that innocence, questioning himself whether or not he deserved this kind of love, whether he was entitled to take it for himself, whether it is selfish for him to want you and only you; and that was when he began to grasp that he is unable to let you go.

Because you have made a mark inside him, made it your territory, built your throne and took over. Because you have turn his walls down, broke through his fortress, rammed your entry against his heavily guarded castle, and paint his walls with your colors. You made this heart beat again. Brought warmth into his coldest nights, lacing your words with unlimited devotion, and provide him with things he never knew he needed. A liberation. The source of his strength, a shoulder to cry on, the arms he calls home.

That's why when he obtained this little cute post-it notes you hid from him, he felt an ardous need to give back as much as he has received. Only that, he's not quite entirely sure on how to do so, being a guard-up soul pretty much growing up, betrayed by his first love long before he knows you and what true love really meant. He grew extremely anxious about not showing you much when he felt so loved. He hated himself for not being able to show a lot to you. You held back pretty much a lot too; judging from all these post-it notes you hoped he didn't find. "She must have felt overtly clingy and tries not to express herself too much," Namjoon thought to himself. He smoothens the next crumpled post-it note.

And it was as if the post-it notes, heard him. They indirectly answer to him.

"...I don't want to scare him away. Loving Namjoon is like oxygen to me. I had to do it, no matter what. He might not like it if I show him too much affection. It happened before with that other guy..."

What other guy. Which idiot doesn't like a clingy girlfriend? This guy better not be around you anymore. He's a fucking lunatic.

"I'm so glad Namjoon is so receiving. He's like a living teddy bear."

Namjoon could almost hear you giggle when you add a laughing sound at the end of the post-it note. "You don't scare me away." He smiled and heard you shuffle in bed, so he glanced over his shoulder to see you if you were awake. He tipped his eyes over your arms, and saw you hold tight to his hoodie, Koya is squished by your head. You have completely abandoned your pillows to lay your head fully on Koya, half of your face is covered by Namjoon's hoodie you were hugging. You keep an ample space for him to lay in, despite being in deep sleep, it was endearing to see. Namjoon couldn't help thinking that when he is away, you'd probably behave the same way. Maybe built a pillow fort in his place so you could pretend he was beside you. That way you could sleep better.

Namjoon stood up on his two feet and walked beside the bed. He massages the base of his neck and then the back of his neck, looking at you with twinkles in his eyes. He ran his palm down his chest, between his defined pectoral muscles and lean stomach before leaving you as is. The dustbin is back in its place. The floor is clean, without any post-it notes left. Only the empty perfume bottle inside. Namjoon shut the door, the shirt he chose still crumpled in his hand, his sweatpants hanging low on his hip as he walked out before he tipped his head to one side, remembering something. He went back to the bedroom door, opens them and left a gap between. He looked at you peaceful sleeping face before he leaves one more time.

"She can't sleep with the doors closed." He shook his head and put on the shirt he chose, before walking back down the hallway into his home studio. He left a gap open to his studio door too, incase you woke up and realized he isn't there next to you.

But to you, as long as you have Namjoon's hoodie, Namjoon's plushy, or Namjoon's smell, you'll be fine. As long as there's one out of five senses were fulfilled, Namjoon doesn't have to worry about a thing. Although, sometimes you crave skin ship and you've been holding back a lot because you don't want to clutch on him and make him feel uncomfortable. Your clinginess could make certain people squirm, and they can be a bit unbearable. But little did you know that Namjoon was feeding on it, entirely. So much, that he began to feel addicted to it. It's like he has been drugged without him knowing and it got him hooked. Even those hours, days and weeks away from you, he'll have timers set in his phone:

"45 hours, 17 minutes, and 4 seconds more, until I can feel those hands." "Just 12 more hours to home." "I'll just have to succumb a bit longer." "I have to hold it in, a bit more."

He even made your touches feel like prizes to him. "If I finish this song by today, I'll get to hold her." Even when usually, you're the one who would initiate most. And tonight, or morning (since it's already 4:05AM), Namjoon shook his head to stay awake, blinking his eyes wide open to keep himself focused though he was needing sleep, muttering to himself like a hypnotizing chant, that, "One more track, and I'll get to be in bed with her. Just one more," he slaps himself in the face, "...Kim Namjoon, let's go."

Alarm beeping. The familiar smell of Namjoon's shampoo, dancing around your nostrils, waking you up. Swimming through your unconsciousness and half-shut eyes, you try to fish your phone from the side table, only to be confined by a huge pair of arms circling your waist, and one limb draped possessively over the lower part of your body, restricting your movement. With a little effort, you managed to take the phone and shut the alarm off. Namjoon groans and nuzzled his face further into your chest. You immediately froze, not wanting him to come awake because you know he probably stayed up pretty late last night. Also, the tip of his nose was dangerously close to skin between your nipples. You were extremely awake. You hoped the heat will wake him up, because you'll hate yourself for having to tell him to move. But it doesn't seem soon.

You were enjoying this. Smiling to yourself, you were playing with his gorgeous hair, pushing his bangs back because you love his forehead so much. You ran your index finger on the mole he had on his hairlines and mouthed, "So cute." You had to bit your lips to resist squeezing his cheek and wake him up. Sleeping Namjoon is an adorable sight, and you would like to keep it that way, as long as you were allowed to. Especially when he is extra clingy like this. You ran your index finger down between his brows, the bridge of his nose, floaty touches on his Cupid's bow and his supple pair of lips. "How can anybody be this attractive? What did you eat to be so attractive? This should be illegal," You narrowed your eyes, pouting in envy. As if he heard you, he moaned in his sleep, pulling you closer, gathering you closer than you already are. This is very surprisingly alluring. Is this what Namjoon is really like?

You know you would have love him even when he gives you nothing back. It would have been an honor to have your heart be broken by him. You were actually certain that he would have hurt you, in the first few meetings you had with him. But the closer you look, the more his mask--his tough guy appearance begins to wane off. He was cautious. Extremely cautious. Possibly because he had been fooled before. And you know those frightened pair of eyes, beneath his tough and charismatic exterior, his irises left nothing in disguise.

This man was as afraid as you were.

Afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of emotions. Afraid of things he can't control. Afraid of being in love.  Afraid to want and need, and be left behind. To crumble again.

Because perhaps, his first love hurts him so much that he dare not to love again. All you could do was assume, back then.

It was not easy. You yourself were a tough shell to break. But for some reason, Namjoon made you bare it all for him. It's almost haunting as it is mesmerizing. He did little to nothing, and your heart pounds embarrassingly faster at every mention of his name. He could pass by the same area, and you would be clutching your heart as if it was going to stop any time, air stuck in your throat--suffocating you alive but not really dying. You could hear his voice across the hall calmly talking, and you would have sweats running down your spine. A thirst you can't explain, a hunger you can't contain--all to be blame on one man named Kim Namjoon.

To have such power on you, to make you whimper and breathlessly disoriented like a deprived explorer in the desert sea? Who allowed him? Who gave him such despicable authority? You knew, that there was a universe in him, and you can't wait to explore and undress his pretty little thoughts.

The innocent encounters, the accidental gazes--how it lingers longer than it should. It wasn't love at first sight, it was love at many sights. It was something about his personality, the way he brings himself forward, how he amplifies thoughts people would never have said out in the open, his bravery, his strength, his diligence and beautiful brain. All the things he did, deserves the world's attention. Namjoon can break through barriers, even the hurdles he never knew existed, and he could keep going making histories for himself, blinded by thirst of the things he called goals and success. He would let himself be trampled on, just to get back on his feet, taller and mightier than his fallings, how he changed criticism into food that he feeds on and make it a buffet for his naysayers--you could go days about things that Namjoon did that makes you immensely proud of him.

"You go ahead continue to be awesome, and let me protect your heart." You played with his hair, taking the advantage of him in deep-sleep to kiss his temple, the side of his brain, hoping that your love will penetrate through the skin, giving him a shield and assurance that things will be okay from now on. Your rested your cheek on his head, and gently scratch the back of his head, your fingers disappear in his grey locks. Then you felt his large palm unravel, one still holding you close, the other sliding along your spine in a very careful, oddly cautious straight line that shouldn't be coming from a sleeping man. Your face contorted in confusion as you repelled a bit to see his face. He still had his eyes closed, but the corner of his lips were curling into a smile. He looks at you through heavy-lidded eyes as you try to process the information at an insane speed.

It wasn't until he dipped his hands underneath the barriers of your panties, and squeezed your butt cheek that sends you yelping in surprise, that you realized what he was trying to do. "You were sleeping..." you growled, heavily startled at the sudden switch of atmosphere. He nodded lazily, and began nipping the skin around the base of your neck, murmuring, "...I have a problem I need you to solve."

Gulp. The sun isn’t even fully up yet.

The post-it notes you wrote, ended up in his office studio, stringed in one line underneath his air-conditioner for everyone who walks in to see. It was placed next to his trophies, his prized possessions, his collections of toys, higher than all of it, worn like a medal. Your keen eyes didn't missed it when you paid a visit, one day. Embarrassed and perplexed, you cupped your face while he gushes closely, inches away from you. 

"Will you please take it down...I...It wasn't meant to be displayed like that. Gosh, I sound so needy." Your voice muffled and Namjoon started to remove your hands away, "...I like it. It makes me feel good. Your inner thoughts are very... intense and, fierce. It... titillates me."

"I'm starting to feel that you tricked me over a sad emoticon message to make me come over, thinking you're upset about something. I'm banning the use of that emoticon from today onwards." You monotonously say and he chuckled deeply, "...But I am upset. My friend down there, is."

"Namjoon!" You gasped.

"Did you locked the door?" "Nope." "Excellent."