#brought to you by remembering how when people say “kids age 12-15” or whatever I think of the girl I met when she was 14

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

The scariest thing about being the same person for 5 years straight is that some people are 5 years older than when I met them. This is extra scary because if I assume no one was using tumblr despite being below 13, that means they're all legal adults now every single one all of them that's bonkers. You used to be 13. How could this happen.

[shadowed-dancer]

How the anime enhanced the Touya mystery

Season 5 of MHA just finished adapting the Endeavour Agency Arc. While everyone has their own opinion on how the anime adaptation is doing, I wanted to take a moment to praise something that (I think) they handled really well: The Touya Mystery. Today we’re going to walk through how the anime handled this plot point, and why it worked so well.

Proud to say this post is free of manga spoilers! Today we’re ONLY talking about the anime.

Intro: What is the Touya Mystery?

The Touya mystery is the ongoing mystery of what happened to the third Todoroki son. It is foreshadowed in seasons 2 and 4, but it exists in earnest throughout season 5. It is never explicitly stated, but is instead referenced in passing by the characters, allowing the audience to try and piece everything together until it is eventually confirmed.

Disclaimer

Obviously the manga has this mystery as well, but anime as a medium has certain factors that the manga simply doesn’t have. OPs and EDs are a good example, but there’s also the way hiatuses affect the way we consume the story, as well as how the breakdown of seasons clump certain storylines closer together then they were in the manga (compare 6 months to get through Joint Training in the manga, compared to 2.5 months for the anime).

I am also aware of the theories surrounding Touya’s potential connection to a previously established character. You’ve probably seen the theory at some point, but I won’t name names just incase some of you haven’t. Either way, this post isn’t about that theory.

Finally, I’m very well aware that most viewers may not have picked up on some of the stuff I’m saying. A lot of these points are minor details, and I don’t fault anyone for missing out on that. In fact, I’m sure there are some fans out there who never even realized there was a 4th Todoroki sibling because they just... didn’t care or pay attention. I’m going at this with the mindset of someone who is very, VERY analytical, not your average viewer who’s just here to enjoy the show.

The Set Up: Season 2

We are first introduced to the Todoroki siblings way back in Season 2, Episode 10 (Todoroki’s fight with Deku in the Sports Festival). During Shoto’s flashback, we are given this frame to introduce his siblings...

We have the white-haired brother, the red-haired brother, and the sister. In this scene, the red-haired brother fumbles his soccer move and ends up falling, causing his siblings to laugh. This added movement (which was never in the manga) causes the red-haired brother to stand out slightly more than his siblings.

Now, granted, I’ve seen quite a few people who didn’t realize these were Shoto’s siblings at first. They just thought he was watching his neighbours. That’s why, if their hair colours weren’t enough to clue you in on their relationship to Shoto, we meet the sister a few episodes later (Season 2, Episode 12).

She refers to Endeavour as “dad” which informs the audience that she is also Endeavour’s child, and is therefore Shoto’s sister. It then stands to reason that the two boys she was playing with (both of whom share their hair colour with her and Shoto) would be her brothers.

The Set Up: Shout Baby

Season 4, Episode 15 gives us a new ending sequence, Shout Baby, in which we see this...

Todoroki Family photos. On the left is a photo of Shoto on his first day of school (I double checked and the sign behind him indicates some sort of entrance ceremony). On the right, we are given a photo of the sister and white-haired brother as adults.

(Despite it not being explicit, you can tell that’s the white haired brother based on context clues. He looks so similar to the kid in the flashback that it doesn’t make sense for him to be anyone else. This is of course confirmed later in the season).

However, the red-haired brother is missing, which now launches the mystery of why. Why is he not in any of the photos? And then, as the frame pans down, we get this...

A torn, burnt corner of a photograph. For a while, I had some trouble making out what that blue stuff was in the corner, but a comment on Youtube helped point out that it is the exact same Sakura tree as the one in Shoto’s photo. You can even see the branch in the same spot.

So what does this tell us? Well, it’s the same place Shoto went to school, but the photo is burnt. Is it just a burned up copy of the same photo to symbolize how Endeavour ruined Shoto’s childhood? Or is it a photo of one of the other kids attending the same school, burned for mysterious reasons?

The actual answer is that it’s an Easter egg for manga readers who already know about the red haired brother but shhhhh we’re only talking about the anime right now.

The point is, we now have intrigue.

The Set Up: Season 4

Season 4, Episode 25 gives us our first full look at the Todoroki Family, with the siblings (sans Shoto) on a visit to their mom.

We get confirmation that the man in the photo from the ED is the white haired brother, and we learn their names as well, with the sister being named Fuyumi and the white-haired brother being named Natsuo! But, just like the ending sequence, the red-haired brother is missing.

His absence is never brought up, but this is only highlighted by the fact that Fuyumi teases Natsuo for not calling often ever since going away for college. His response ISN’T “aw come on, why do you only pick on me?” or “hey, at least I’m here! Unlike [red-haired brother]”. Instead he says, “aww come on, sis, I call you guys!”

No one calls attention to the fact that one of the siblings is missing. The red-haired brother is never even mentioned, which tell us as the audience that the characters know something we don't. Whatever reason they aren’t mentioning the 3rd brother is common knowledge amongst them, so there’s no need to bring him up.

But the anime ensures we remember that, yes, there IS in fact another brother. They replay the soccer flashback as Natsuo and Fuyumi watch Endeavour’s fight from their laptop, but we are also given this...

... Our second look at the red haired brother (played when Endeavour reminisces about his family). From this, we notice that the brother is significantly shorter than his siblings. It’s also worth noting that his bangs are in front of his face, meaning we never get a clear idea of his appearance (I’ll bring this up again later).

This episode also serves as the season finale, meaning fans were treated to an entire year of hiatus to theorize on the red-haired brother.

The Mystery Starts: His Name

Season 5, Episode 2 begins the mystery-of-the-missing-brother in earnest by providing us with this quote...

“Mom’s screams, Shoto’s crying, and what happened to our big brother, Touya”

Not only is this quote the first time the red-haired brother is being directly spoken about, but it also provides us with 3 pieces of information.

FIRST: His name is Touya. We now have something to call him besides “the red-haired brother”.

SECOND: He’s Natsuo’s big brother. At this point in the series, the age order for Natsuo and Fuyumi had not been confirmed in the anime, but we now knew Natsuo is either the second oldest child, or third oldest.

Touya being Natsuo’s “big brother” means Touya is either the oldest child, or the second oldest. But the fact that Natsuo says “our big brother” does seem to indicate Touya is the big brother to all of them.

This seems to be contradictory to the fact that Touya is just so small compared to his siblings in the 2nd flashback, but it’s certainly not impossible for younger siblings to outgrow the oldest.

(Yes I know technically their age order is revealed in episode 17 but I’m trying to walk through the experience live)

THIRD: We learn something happened to Touya. We don’t know what, but it’s implied to be bad. At the very least, it implies that whatever happened led to Touya no longer seeing his family.

The Mystery Continues: Quirk Singularity

In Season 5, Episode 3, the anime adds a fun visual while Deku explains the Quirk Singularity Doomsday Theory (the theory that, as quirks combine through generations, kids will end up with stronger and stronger quirks with bodies that cannot control them).

In the manga, this is just Deku talking to All Might, but the anime adds the same flashbacks Endeavour had during his Nomu fight for some visual intrigue. Not only does this flashback remind us that the Todoroki siblings exist, but it implies that they are somehow connected to the Quirk Singularity Theory (Shoto is shown as an example of how quirks combine to create stronger quirks, but perhaps we’ll learn some more about Touya to connect him to the theory as well).

The Mystery Continues: Touya’s Quirk

Season 5, Episode 7 gives us another flashback to Shoto’s childhood. Here, Endeavour comments on some very interesting details of Touya’s quirk...

“Touya was close. He had more firepower than me, but he had Rei’s weak constitution. He... was close”

It’s also worth noting that the English Dub of this scene has Endeavour end this line with, “He was close, until...”

So what does this teach us?

FIRST: The English Dub implies he was doing well UNTIL something happened. Was it the incident that Natsuo was referring to? Either way, it has once again created intrigue.

SECOND: Touya had a fire quirk, and it was even stronger than Endeavour’s (hey, look at that, kind of like quirk singularity, right? How the next generation gets stronger than their parents?).

Viewers may have been able to theorize that Touya had a fire quirk based purely on his hair colour (think of how Shoto’s hair represents which side produces which quirk) but this line gives us solid confirmation on his quirk.

THIRD: Touya “had Rei’s weak constitution”. Now, it’s debatable on what exactly a “weak constitution” means. Is this referring to his resolve? Was he too passive? Or is this referring to something else? (Perhaps Rei’s physical constitution?)

Well, wouldn’t you know it, but all the way back in Season 5, Episode 2 (the same one where we learn Touya’s name, go figure) we hear this exact phrase used in reference to the original OFA user... but ONLY in the English Dub.

Here’s what AFO says in the sub...

“My brother is frail”

...vs the dub

“My little brother has a weak constitution”

This gives us a direct reference point that a “weak constitution” in this series can be another way of saying someone is frail (and even if you don’t want to cross reference the dub and sub, OFA is portrayed as weak no matter what). This seems to tie in well with the fact that Touya was so much smaller and appeared weaker than his supposed younger siblings.

The Through Line: Arc Rearrangement

If you didn’t know, I’m here to tell you that the anime pulled a little sneaky on us manga readers by rearranging the arcs.

The manga originally went from Joint Training to (the upcoming arc) to Endeavour Agency, and while the anime has kept these events in the same chronological order, it changed the way they were presented to us. Endeavour Agency has been put first, which means we get more Touya information a heck of a lot closer to the rest of his reveals, compared to the manga.

Regardless of how you personally feel about the arc rearrangement, it works wonders for Touya’s mystery. Endeavour is sprinkled throughout many episodes of the Joint Training Arc in the anime, so it feels rather natural to go straight to the Agency Arc because Endeavour is acting as our narrative through line. He’s been a reoccurring presence, so it doesn’t feel as if he’s coming out of nowhere. 

The Reward: The Photo

If you’ve been paying attention to the clues the series has left regarding the missing Todoroki child, you are rewarded in Season 5, Episode 17.

The episode is rather... flashback heavy, but it does a good job reminding us of all the Todoroki drama before we head to the dinner. And at the end of the episode (literally the last thing we see before the ED), observant viewers who have been keeping track of Touya are rewarded when we finally get to see...

... Touya’s face. The first instance where it’s unobstructed. There he is. The missing Todoroki son. He’s so cute!

(Also yes yes I know his hair is now white and I’m sure that was very confusing for anime onlies. However, I promise it is the same kid.)

But, perhaps more importantly, we learn the implication that Touya is dead. His photo is on a shrine where Endeavour is praying, and the shrine seems to be set up in a child’s room that has remain unchanged (small shoes, a soccer ball, and toys on the bookshelf, all of which seem to be too young for any of the living Todoroki siblings). Suddenly it becomes all too clear why the family didn’t bring him up that often, and why Natsuo was so upset about “what happened to our big brother, Touya”.

The Tease: What Comes Next?

Season 5, Episode 18 leaves us with a teaser for the future of Keeping Up With The Todoroki's.

Touya’s death is confirmed, and we even learn a bit more on the circumstances surrounding it, as we learn Endeavour feels responsible for whatever happened. We also learned that Natsuo blames Endeavour, hinting that he certainly played some part in it.

However, all of these hints lead to a story for another time (more likely Season 6, to be precise). I won’t spoil what exactly happens, but I can confirm that we eventually see Touya’s death and the events leading up to it through flashback, and I’m honestly so excited.

Perhaps I’ll make a part 2 to this post when the anime gets to that point.

Hope you enjoyed!

[ghostwriteyes]

Years Past

Sasusaku (Naruto) Fic. I don’t own the characters. They’re owned by Kishimoto

Modern AU, Childhood Friends AU, Neighbors AU, Non-Massacre AU

3,321 words

6 years old

They had a new neighbor coming. It’s been a while since the house across from them has been empty and now there are big moving trucks around the house. He peeked through the window and was disappointed because he didn’t see a boy his age, but a girl. He’s heard of cooties and he didn’t want them.

On the weekend, his mother invited the new neighbor to have dinner. He went with his mother to greet them at the door. He saw the pink haired girl hiding behind her mother, only peeking to see his mother. Her mother said something about she's shy and she was bullied in their last neighborhood.

“Hey Sakura. Your name is Sakura right? You have such wonderful hair” said his mother.

Then, the girl stepped a bit closer and the widest, greenest eyes he’s ever seen looked up to his mother and gave a firm nod and said “You’re very pretty”. His mother laughed and guided them in.

They had dinner that night, the 7 of them, and he didn’t know why he kept looking at those green eyes. He thought he wouldn’t really mind getting cooties.

12 years old

She was working on her homework in the living room, this damn physics homework that Kakashi-sensei gave last minute for Monday. She thought Sasuke might have finished already and thought of going to his house when her mother called,

“Sakura, come to the kitchen for a bit please”

“What is it, mom?”

“I baked too many cookies for my exhibition tonight. Can you give this bowl to Mikoto’s house?”

“Oh sure, was gonna go there anyway to ask Sasuke about my homework. We keep some too, right?”

“Of course honey”

She went across and brought her notebook with her and knocked on the door. When it opened, it was Sasuke.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“My mom baked too many cookies and wanted to give it to Aunt Mikoto.”

He grabbed the plate and muttered thanks and almost closed the door-

“Wait!” she brought her best puppy eyes, looking hopeful “I also wanted to ask about the physics homework” she lifted her notebooks in front of her face to emphasize.

After a sigh and a fine, he opened the door wider and she went in. “Where’s everyone else?” She looked around for people and saw no one. “Out.” She chuckled “Always the sociable one” he rolled his eyes to that.

They went to his room and worked on the physics homework on the small coffee table in his room. He taught her the questions she couldn’t answer.

When they were finished, she couldn’t help but say what she’s been thinking,

“Do you think we’re being too casual?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know- you’re a boy, i’m a girl, we’re in your room” she chuckled.

He rolled his eyes and smirked “would you rather be in my brother’s room” he knew about how she admired his brother.

“Ugh, you know I only admire him. It’s never anything like that” her elbows on the table and she rested her head on her hand and thought out loud “I think I’ve grown out of it though” their eyes met. There’s this look in his eyes and they stayed like that for a while just looking at each other.

She broke it with “especially since shisui’s been here more often” she rolled her eyes “they’re insufferable”. He chuckled. Then, his door suddenly opened,

“Sasuke, where did these cookies co- oh, Sakura! I heard your mom and dad are out for her exhibition tonight. Have dinner with us?”

“Sure, aunt Mikoto”

“Great! I’ll cook your favorites” she stayed for a while looking at the two just grown kids and frowned “Should I be worried?”

Sasuke raised his eyebrows and asked “what do you mean mom?”

“You’re a guy and a girl in a room.. should I-”

He groaned, “Stop mom, it’s nothing like that”

Sakura just chuckled and couldn’t help but notice the disappointment she felt. She tried not to think too much of it.

She didn’t notice Sasuke’s eyes who kept glancing her way during dinner.

15 years old

He heard whispers in the kitchen. Not unusual as his mother and father are the calm and quiet type, but this time there’s some wariness in their voice.

He was going to go to Sakura’s house to check why she wasn’t in school, but went to the kitchen first anyway. His parents immediately noticed and his father said,

“Sasuke, get ready. We’re going to go to the hospital.” Their faces showed that this wasn’t good news.

“What’s wrong?” His minds are racing

His mother was the one who answered, “Uncle Kizashi.. he was in an accident this morning and.. it’s not looking good”

Always the one-tracked mind, he didn’t say a word and ran to his bike to go to the hospital. He went ahead and as he arrived, his eyes immediately found Sakura alone near one of the rooms, eyes red and puffy.

He went closer, in a hurry, and fuck she’s been crying and she noticed him and she immediately went to him and reached him and she just let it all out, hands around his waist and head on his chest. His arms circled her, his cheek on her hair and they just stayed there.

After she was a bit calmer she realized that they were hugging. She felt awkward and let go, eyes averting his. She could blame the red face from crying hours on end.

“How is he?” his hands on her shoulders and he wanted her to look at him and he leaned closer.

She sniffled and said “His condition’s already stable, but… he’s not waking up” she teared up again and her hands went up to dry it off “I don’t know what to do, Sasuke”, for the first time that night she looked at him when his mother and father arrived,

“Oh, Sakura” his mother went to hug Sakura and his father knocked on the hospital door.

He noticed that Aunt Mebuki had been crying too and for the first time he also didn’t know what to do. No loud laughs and corny jokes, it was terrible.

He stayed with Sakura while the adults were talking and when they were about to leave, Aunt Mebuki said that Sakura should also go home and rest. After a few minutes of i’m staying, mom and i’m not leaving his side mom, no way, they were finally able to convince her to go home.

He went home alone on his bike while Sakura was with his parents. Later, he waited on her sidewalk. After they arrived, he shared a look with his mom and his mom nodded as if saying do what you need to do.

That night, Sasuke took care of Sakura. He made sure she ate (sakura, don’t be annoying, you have to eat) and left after she was already asleep (i’m here sakura, just rest, okay.)

——-

The next morning, he and his parents were having breakfast when suddenly, his mom said, “Sakura is really pretty, right Sasuke?”

Sasuke looked at his mother and why does it sound like she’s teasing me and he scrunched his eyebrows and looked at her weirdly.

“She’s intelligent, top of her class, very pretty, I heard she’s popular with the boys in school too-,” he frowned “-and she seems like a great daughter, right Fugaku?”

“Yes, she is. What are you doing Mikoto?”

Mikoto chuckled and said, “No, no, it’s nothing. I’m just thinking that Sasuke and Sakura’s wedding should be in winter so that Sakura can stand out”

He choked on his cereal and said, “Mother.” he looked at her teasing smile and narrowed his eyebrows, “Her father has just been in an accident, Mother”

She frowned and said, “I know.. I hope Kizashi can wake up soon so he can give her away on the wedding”

He looked to his father for some sanity only to see his father agreeing to what his mother’s saying. He stood up and left to go to school. Just when he was at the door he heard his mother shout “Say hi to Sakura for me” and he groaned.

——-

At school during lunch, he can’t help but glare at every boy who went to Sakura’s side. Naruto teased him, “you’re such a coward, Sasuke. All those glares, but no confession”, shook his head, “y’know, maybe I should have a go with Sakura instead”, teasing with his big grin and his wiggled eyebrows.

Naruto went home with a bruise on his arm that day.

18 years old

“God, I can’t believe graduation’s coming and you’re still single, Forehead”

“Shut up, pig.”

They were in Sakura’s room fiddling around with makeup and their dresses to wear to prom that weekend. She was just trying out her shoes when she saw Ino’s teasing smile and saw what was coming,

“Well, it’s not like there’s no one, right Sakura?” Ino sighed, “why is he not doing anything, you guys are clearly acting like you’re going out, but, just without the label” she rolled her eyes.

Sakura shook her head and said, “It’s nothing like that Ino, we’re just really close.”

“Nuh-uh, remember last week at lunch. That lanky boy was definitely gonna ask you out to prom but Sasuke glared at him from behind you and the boy ran away”, she chuckled, “Sasuke’s gonna be one scary boyfriend”

Sakura laughed, “Mmm I think that’s just him being protective, you know how he is with me, we’re childhood friends”

Ino sighed again, “Fine, whatever. But everyone can feel this tension between you guys, with the staring and all, it’s ridiculous, and it’s clearly not you two being” she finger quoted “just really close, or” she finger quoted again “just childhood friends”.

Sakura laid on her bed and sighed, “You know how I feel, Ino. but, with him you can’t really tell, you know. and our friendship is too valuable anyway.”

Ino shook her head dramatically “Oh, the most cliched reason for a coward”. Sakura threw her pillow at Ino while she was wearing lipstick and oh no, you didn’t and she lunged towards Sakura with lipstick on her hand.

——-

“Sasuke, you going to prom this weekend?”

His brother, Shisui, and some of his brother’s friends are hanging out at their study room turned game room. He just nodded at shisui’s question, barely looking at him, staring at the TV with Sasori beating Itachi in their game.

“You taking Sakura?” Sasuke muttered no and it’s none of your business. He was going to leave the room. But then he heard Sasori say “oooh, Sakura’s that hot chick across your house, right Itachi? Is she single?”

Sasuke glared and said “Itachi, let me play.”

After beating Sasori three times, he said nothing and left the room. Itachi and Shisui laughed and shook their heads and you just woke up the devil, Sasori. Sasori learnt that Sakura was definitely not single.

——-

That weekend, they were having breakfast together. Ever since Kizashi’s accident, Mikoto would sometimes invite Mebuki and Sakura for breakfast or dinner. He was still in a coma in the hospital and Mikoto just couldn’t help but reach out to them.

“Sakura, you’re going to go to prom tonight right? Are you going to go with Sasuke?”

Sakura casually said “Yeah, of course,” 

and Sasuke choked and tried to remember, did I ask her and forget, dammit dammit dammit. 

“-We’re going together with our friends. Since there’s two of us here, our friends are gonna come to our houses to get ready” 

he sighed internally and thought of how stupid he was and why did I panic and felt a pang in his chest wishing that they were going together together.

“Are you okay Sasuke?” his mother asked and he just nodded, barely looking at everyone else. He was always one to keep his straight face.

——-

That night he went to her house, along with Naruto, Sai, and Neji and his eyes widen as he saw her walk down the stairs and she’s so fucking pretty and he wished they were going together together and maybe I can just ask her now and maybe they can-

“My pretty daughter” Aunt Mebuki clasped her hands with some teary eyes “-I just wish your father can see you tonight,” Sakura smiled but he knew that smile and he just wanted to hug her and maybe I can and-

“Let’s take pictures!” fuck.

After some pictures were taken they went on their limo to prom and he just couldn’t, he really tried, but he couldn’t take his eyes off her. He didn’t really care anymore if anyone noticed. He didn’t care if she noticed cause she’s just so beautiful. He caught her eye and her eyebrows raised, questioning, and he just smiled. She blushed and averted her eyes and she’s so pretty.

——-

Later that night, they were the last to be dropped off. He noticed that she was quiet all the way home and he was quiet too and it felt like there’s this thing between them ever since their dance and any wrong word can just break it and he didn’t want that. He noticed her glancing his way and he wanted to ask but he didn’t know how and the limousine stopped.

He walked her to her door and he just stared at her and she stared back and he wanted to say something, anything-

“thanks, sasuke”, she averted her eyes and turned around and almost walked to the door, but then his body moved on its own, and his hand caught her wrist and she turned back and their eyes met and-

“Sakura, I-” he pulled her closer and muttered fuck, i’m not good with words and he leaned closer and he stared more at those eyes, those beautiful, beautiful eyes, his hand travelled to her neck and finally, finally, their lips met.

It started softly, hesitantly, chastely, and in seconds, she kissed him back, her arms around his neck, and he grew more confident and his hand curled around her neck, he pulled her in and he kissed her deeper.

They parted for air with their foreheads touching, his thumb stroking his cheek, “You’re so beautiful,” she blushed and she didn’t know what to say and just bit her lip, his eyes flickered to her lips and he groaned and then his body moved on its own again and their lips met for the second time that night.

They didn’t notice three pairs of eyes across the house peeking through the window, “Well, Mebuki, we should start planning that winter wedding”

20 years old

It was summer and they were back at home from college and their mothers have been more strict about them being in the bedroom together ever since they started dating, so they were in the living room of his house, watching a movie.

Their relationship felt like a breeze and Sakura was just so happy and Sasuke was, I can’t believe I didn’t confess sooner and when their friends found out they were all saying finally, free of the tension and the eyesmex.

They had fights like all relationships do but Sasuke just couldn’t stay away for too long and Sakura would always be forgiving.

They were going to have dinner at Sasuke’s house, but when Mebuki came, she was teary eyed and she didn’t speak for a while, and

“Mom, what’s wrong?” Sakura went to her mom and she panicked.

“Your dad.. He woke up.”

Sasuke said I’ll go with Sakura and they all went to the hospital.

They arrived first and went straight to his room and Sasuke didn’t want to intrude so he stayed outside.

“Sakura, is that you?” and she ran to him and hugged him so tightly and she didn’t want to let go. Five years, finally.

“Sakura, you’re all grown up.”

She recounted, the best she can do, of everything that’s happened. Mebuki arrived and they hugged, three of them, reunited. After a while, “Why did Sakura arrive first? Are you driving yet? Damn, I can’t believe I missed teaching you how to drive” Mebuki laughed and said “No, she went with her boyfriend”. Sakura groaned, embarrassed.

“Wait, is she and Sasuke finally going out? I have to hear this story, they were so oblivious” Loud laughs fill the room and Sakura didn’t care about any of the teasing and she just felt grateful that her dad’s back and that’s all she can think of.

——-

Later in the month, Kizashi was released from the hospital and they all planned a trip to the Uchiha Family cabin near the mountains to have a good rest with the hot springs and all. There were two separate cabins and Kizashi said one for the grownups, one for the kids- what Mebuki, let them have fun, we were young once. So Sasuke and Sakura were with Itachi and Izumi, his wife, and Shisui came just because he couldn’t miss out.

Everyone wanted to go to the hot springs, but Sasuke and Sakura said no, we’ll just play or hike or something and so they stayed in the “kids” cabin and they do have separate bedrooms but-

“Sakura, come” he took her hands,

“What is it, Sasuke”

“Just come here”

She followed him to his bedroom, and when they were in, he closed and locked the door and he pushed her against it and they just stared at each other and smiled. She broke the silence,

“Mm, don’t you think we’re being too casual, Sasuke?”

“What?”

She bit her lip, she knows what it does to him, and smiled teasingly, “I don’t know- you’re a boy, I’m a girl, we’re in your room-”

He groaned, “Shut up Sakura” and he kissed her.

25 years old

It was winter.

Aunt Mikoto, her mom, and Ino have been preparing everything. Those three have been inseparable since the day she said yes and Sakura could only agree to everything cause she didn’t care about parties.

She remembered how Sasuke would just laugh whenever she ranted to him on how big and complicated this party will be.

She looked in the mirror with her white dress on, and she couldn’t believe how far they’ve come.

——-

He looked in the mirror, fixed his neck tie, and looked again in the mirror, and fixed his wrist button, and this is nerve wracking and i’m gonna mess up and-

“Sasuke, sit doown, relaaax” and he just glared at Shisui and Naruto laughed and said, “you believe me now, huh, when it was my wedding you said I was overreacting”

Sasuke rolled his eyes and he said, “Naruto, you almost climbed down the window”

Naruto laughed and middle finger-ed him and, “whatever, at least you know how I felt now”

Itachi was the only calm one in the room as he said “don’t worry too much Sasuke, you’ll feel better when you see her, look forward to that”

Sasuke closed his eyes and took deep breaths and just imagined her and her white dress and how pretty she will be.

——-

He waited in the altar and looked to the door and saw the most beautiful girl and i’m so lucky and he couldn’t believe it sometimes and as she went closer their eyes met and she arrived at the altar and they just stared at each other and they forgot what they were supposed to be doing and Ino cleared her throat and Kizashi just laughed and Fugaku shook his head with a smile and Mebuki and Mikoto were all teary eyed and then they got married.

–

[abluescarfonwaston]

forget viscount, Jaskier is a secret royal prince au!

Aaaaaaaaaaayeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! Was just thinking about this!!!! This is what happens when you dig through the wiki. (Ie the school of the cat and wolf were both sponsored by Kaedweni and eventually the king decided nah. Had the cats murder the wolves and then sent soldiers to finish the cats) This… Might be a bit more than 5. To the story I will never have time to write!

1. When Julian was born his hair was golden, even though his parents’ hair was black. Mages could find no fault in his paternity. A blessing some said. A sign he would reign in a golden age of prosperity. A curse said others brought on by his grandfather, King Radowit II, for the massacre of Witchers; cat and wolf alike. Gold like the eyes of the monsters he slayed.

2. A witcher once attempted to murder Julian as payback. Or at least it started out that way. His little blue eyes opened to look at them. “Are you okay?” Their swing stuttered to a halt. “What are you doing?” 

“You’re family slaughtered mine.” 

“Oh. I’m sorry. That must hurt.” 

“This will hurt more” They were going to say. But Julian wrapped his little arms around them and they couldn’t do it. They fled. Julian still remembers those golden eyes. The pain he’d have done anything to alieve.

 3. When Julian was seventeen he realized he couldn’t do it. Any of it. He couldn’t. So he cut his golden curls and dyed them brown. Made it all the way to Posada before his coin ran out. Saw beautiful golden eyes. He’d been trying out lots of different names but it’s not until that night, when Geralt finally asks, that he becomes Jaskier. Buttercup. Golden. Toxic. It seems a fitting warning.

4. Geralt doesn’t know why the kids so damn scared of the Kaedweni coat of arms (He hides in their room or the stables every time he spots it), probably slept with some noble and has a death warrant out on him. But he doesn’t object to another reason to avoid that cursed nation.

5. With all the songs and jobs Jaskier gets the wolves (and witchers in general) he’s practically their new patron. He spends a lot of time with Geralt, sure, but plenty of other witchers end up buddying up with him too. Eskel, Lambert, Coen, Aiden and so so many more. When paths cross and tensions run high bringing up Jaskier becomes an easy way to diffuse the situation. He’s gotten them all so many drinks. Saved so many of their lives.

6. Jaskier’s father, Henselt, grows ill and the hunt for the Heir apparent increases in its fervency. Jaskier, run ragged after the mountain and his father’s pursuit is captured. He’s eventually rescued by Eskel who takes him to Kaer Morhen to wait out whatever madness this is. He shoves his hair into a cap and never takes it off no matter how sweetly Eskel kisses him. The roots have grown out. Golden.

7. When Kaer Morhen comes into view it not at all what he expects. It’s a crumbling ruin. Barely even that. This is what his family has wrought. This is what his family has done to the people he loves most. “I can’t. I can’t be here Eskel I can’t!” He cries. Because of Geralt, Eskel thinks, as Scorpion hauls Jaskier up the final pass.

8. At least the springs under Kaer Morhen are undamaged. Jaskier washes the last of the dye from his hair. Gold curls around his chin. A reminder of how his family slaughtered theirs. He pulls the cap back on. “Vesemir wants to see you.” Eskel tells him. Of course Vesemir wants to see him they both think in very different tones. Of course.

9. “Privately.” Vesemir scolds, looking out the window. Eskel closes the door behind him with an affectionate eye roll.

He pulls off the cap, falls to his knees and readies himself for what’s to come. “I do not ask for forgiveness and I do not ask for mercy.” He starts. His voice does not wobble or shake even as he freezes against the stone floor.

“For I know what my family has done to yours.” You’re family has slaughtered mine he hears distantly. He now knows exactly how true that is.

“I only hope that you are as kind as your sons and will make this quick.”

10. The sword doesn’t come. Instead he is lifted into Vesemir’s embrace. “Thank you. For keeping my boys safe.”

“Don’t you know who I am?” His hands clutching the air. “I’m Julian Alfred Pankratz.” He cries.

“You are Jaskier. And you have saved my sons lives more times than Lambert can count.” A joke wrapped up in honesty. It is only then that Jaskier hugs back. “Welcome home son. Welcome home.”

11. Geralt comes back with Ciri. There is drama. When the first news of spring arrives it brings with it heralds of his father’s death. He is to be king.

12. He returns. Claims his birthright. The castle becomes a home for not just the wolves but all the Witchers he’s come to call friend.

13. Aiden and Lambert are finally allowed to be together (HA. No more ban on cats DAD)

14. His sisters, who have actually been trained to run a kingdom do a bang up job. They usher in an age of prosperity and acceptance unseen on the continent. Humans, Elves, Halflings, Dwarves. They live in relative harmony. Between the army of Witchers, the mages they’ve befriended, and the populations dedicated to maintaining their sovereignty Nilfgard is pushed back.

15. Geralt and Jaskier still go on adventure together. His golden hair does not grey with time. A blessing and a curse. Your fate is tied to ours. When the last golden eye closes so will yours. “Then, I suppose, you shall have to live a very long life.” Jaskier says, kissing him under the stars. “A very long life indeed.”

[secondhand-trash]

Heart Knot

A/N: this is in honor of the whole 30 minutes in which I knew how to knit because I was bored at a school function and forced my friend who brought an unfinished scarf with her to teach me lmao

Description: You did not have much happy memories regarding both knitting and your past crushes, but the boy that had your heart now just so happened to be a great knitter. 

Pairing: Kita Shinsuke x reader

Word count: 7827

Playlist:

Permanence//Bears In Trees

The Way You Look Tonight//Frank Sinatra

Hiding Tonight//Alex Turner

-

Kita Shinsuke’s first exposure to the art of knitting was through his grandmother, who taught her grandson the ways you could weave anything into something from doing each repetitive action properly and with care.

Something beautiful, something soft, something that could bring warmth to someone else on a harsh winter morning.

Winter in Hyogo could be rough, with inches and inches of snow blocking the road from down the mountains and into the towns. Kita Shinsuke spent his winter days away from school still waking up at the first ray of sunshine beaming through the paper window, his body glued down on the sweet comfort of his futon but still, he never overslept even as other kids his age would protest just for a few extra seconds in the warmth. 

By the time he was done with the daily chores, it would already be way into the afternoon and his tiny hands, soaked in water to wet the towels, would be shaking under the cold. Grandma Yumie always brought out the kotatsu in times like this. “It is a luxury,” she said with a chuckle as her grandson watched in awe at how the tiny round table in the living room had now been transformed into a warm cave, shielding the winter cold out with the blanket draping down the sides, “a reward for those who worked hard in the cold.”

The days he spent with his grandmother was some of his fondest memories, to the point where years later, even as he was old enough to have his own house with paper windows and a round table perfect for being turned into a kotatsu, he still insisted that there weren’t any feeling better than laying under the warm blankets after a hard day at work with the tv playing and a cup of warm tea in his hand.

When he was small, very small, with his fingers still a bit clumsy and not quite able to aim at the little loops held together by the yarn, Kita would sit there and watched as grandma Yumie brought out the baskets and baskets of colourful yarn, all sorts of sizes and patterns, and let him pick which one she should use that day. The afternoon news was playing in the background, and baby Kita had his palms holding on the warm mug of tea that was far more diluted and with way more honey drizzled into it than the one sitting in front of the older woman. His golden eyes all round and focused on the needles going in and out of the woolen piece that grew longer and longer with each flick of her wrist.

He could not figure out what had happened in the quiet hours where he just stared, not yet worked out the way each loop and thread came together in holding everything together, but all he knew was that the scarfs grandma gave him were always the softest and warmest, and comes in all the colours that lighted up the roads of Hyogo that were covered in white.

Kita learnt how to knit when he was old enough to remember the sequence at which the needle thread through the yarn. One hook under the open loop, the other holding it still, before pulling it out and putting the neat knot in place. He started with the thickest needle and the yarn that showed every knot and pattern clearly, before slowly moving to thinner threads and fancier ways of knitting. Now, winter afternoon at the Kita household consisted of grandmother and grandson sitting side by side around the kotatsu, the afternoon programs playing softly at the background as the sounds of yarns brushing against each thread filled the air.

There had never been a single cast out of place in whatever he made, whether it be a scarf or a pair of socks or a little hat for the puppy next doors. Because knitting was about patience, the knowing that you just had to keep repeating and repeating to make sure everything holds together, until you eventually had something good in your hands. It was feeling the tiny bumps under your finger once you had the finished product laid out in front of you, knowing that you put time and care into every single one of them.

Grandma Yumie complimented her grandson on everything he had ever made, smiling until her eyes were just two thin curves as she watched the boy who wasn’t so tiny anymore with his golden eyes fixed on the needle going in and out of each loop, the knitted fabric growing longer with each flick of his wrist.

-

You could not knit to save a life.

But you had tried, you really did. 

Once, when you were 12 and sitting in art class, your eyes beaming at the many balls of yarn your teacher had brought in.

“Today, we’re going to learn how to knit!” The teacher, with pins all over her apron and a book of stickers for the kids who did well poking out of its pocket, said as she placed the plastic box on the table, “By the end of class, you can all bring home something you made to give to your parents!”

You liked art class. It was fun being able to play around with crafts supplies under the disguise of early creativity development, and the things you brought home were always somewhere around the house.

You liked the way you could walk past something you had made and know that it was good enough to be put up, and liked the feeling of showing people the things you were proud of.

You picked out your colours carefully, imaging the way your father would have fitted a dark brown scarf into his work clothes or how mom could have used something in that lovely cream coloured yarn that was ignored by the other kids who went straight for the blues and yellows. You ended up with balls of grey in your arms as you made way back to your seat, thinking that it would go well with, well, everything.

You did not quite remember how you felt about the knitting process itself, all you knew was the excitement budding up in your chest as you just kept repeating and repeating, until the grey bundle of yarn got smaller and smaller.

You knew you could make something they would like, you just knew it.

The outcome of the hour and a half where you did nothing but fidget with yarn and needle was a subtly misformed scarf, a bit crooked at the edges because you forgot how to tie up the piece by the time it was long enough to be thrown around your shoulders and back. It wasn’t exactly the most intricate piece of knitwear, with small ends of the thick thread clumsily tugged back within the grids and some places missing a loop or two. 

But still, it held together nicely with the softest texture, and you were proud of yourself.

Your parents took the gift graciously when you presented it to them like you were handing them something of the uttermost value, complimenting you on your hard work and thought as they felt the piece in their hand. You made your father promised to wear it out the next day and he complied with a grin as he threw the scarf around his neck.

Now that you looked back on it, it was definitely not something a proper adult would prefer to be seen in in the public since it was rather... wonky, to put it lightly.

But you were small, and you did not have any idea that even though you tried what you thought was your best, sometimes your best was just not enough.

Oh, the way you froze when your father handed the pile of loose yarn to you that was all bundled up with a worried stare, your throat tight while you used all the might in you to suppress the urge to let the tears just fall.

You soon learned that loose ends and hasty stitches meant that even the slightest tug would make the whole thing crumble, and hours of your dedication was not a match to even the most accidental pull at the widened hole where you tried to hide all the mistakes you made.

You told yourself you were never knitting ever again at age 11, with your face buried in your pillow at the late nights when you didn’t have to fear letting anyone know that you were crying over a few balls of yarn.

At age 15, you had your first real, serious crush, the kind that made the pitch of your voice go higher unconsciously and the corner of your lips tug up just at a passing thought. Your crush was popular, the type of boys that spoke each word loud and clear like they had endless energy. You thought he was dazzlingly good-looking, even though he still had a bit of the awkwardness of being mid-puberty left in the soft arc of his brows and loop-sided grin. He was the captain of the football team, always the first to dash out the classroom with a dusty ball in his arms during break. You spent a good amount of your recesses just looking out of the window with your elbows propping you up against the frame, pretending to listen to whatever your friends were saying when you were looking at him instead.

Occasionally, he would look up from the field as he jogged backwards, and your heart always skipped a bit at the possibility that maybe his gaze had stopped at you for even just a second.

Holiday season rolled around the corner as you looked out one morning to see dots of white landing on the glass, each speckle of the snowflake clearly visible as it plastered on the window, the one you always pretend to not be looking too longingly out of while doing exactly just that. The nearer your last day of school before winter break was, the more you felt the knot twisting and turning in your stomach at the thought of whether you should try and disguise all that feeling into what could be as simple as a normal holiday greeting, between normal classmates.

It was at a passing that you overheard your crush telling the group of people who were crowding around his table during one lunch break that he thought it was attractive when people hand out handmade gifts, earning a round of high-pitched responses from those who were smiling a bit too widely for it to be natural around him, each one of them claiming that then they would try to make something for him.

You shifted in your seat, pretending that you were just napping on your desk casually instead of pitifully eavesdropping on a conversation you both wished you were part of and was absolutely detested by.

You had long decided that you could not even pretend that you were crafty by any means, but sadly, you were also young and very much so head-over-heels in love with a boy who just announced to everyone who was, like you, trying hard to impress him that he basically preferred people who make their own presents.

So that was how you found your way back to the knitting needle that you had not touched since 4 years ago, after how every single trashy article in every single teen magazine that you, at age 15, read an unhealthy amount of, told you that there was no better present to give that would portray the amount of thought and care you were willing to put into something like a garment that was hand knitted with only the receiver in thought.

It should be quite clear that the editors of those articles were just too lazy to come up with something new and picked the safest, most conventional option to put in there, but you were too desperate to find something you too could do that you didn’t care.

You left school each day in complete darkness now that the sun was long gone in the middle of the day as the end of the year approached, and spent the little free time you had to yourself at home struggling to knit. Your hands were a lot more in control compared to the last time you knitted, but the lack of guidance in every step of the way as you relearnt how to knit all from the very beginning.

It was cold, and your fingers were already hurting from the chill, but it did not stop you from staying up each night trying to get the piece done before it was finally the holidays.

You had spent hours looking for tutorials only, always battling between the knowledge that your skill was not enough to replicate a good half of the videos you had bookmarked and thinking that the easy ones were too basic for you to gift to someone. You settled on a neck warmer, something you could imagine the boy you so pined after wearing while running on the court. And as you held the finished piece up under the light, you were proud of yourself for actually carrying through.

There were no messy threads in the scarf this time, and you were sure this was something that could at least be of use to whoever got it.

The day when you were supposed to gather the courage to hand out the present came sooner than you were ready for. You came back to school early that day, knowing that your crush was usually having morning practice at the hour and no one else would be around. 

To your surprise, there was already another neatly wrapped box inside of his desk drawer by the time you got back. Its tag was hanging out of the tray rather deliberately, like a sly wink and a wave. Your chest tightened that someone was already one step ahead of you, but quickly fed yourself the narrative that it was actually better this way. This way, your gift would not stand out and seemed like it did not belong there. 

It was just a scarf, but the little paper bag that you spent an embarrassingly long amount of time decorating the night before felt so heavy in your hands as you stared blankly at it, the nerves settling in your stomach as your throat tightened at the last minute conflict.

The loud footsteps that neared broke you out of your trance, and you threw the gift bag into your drawer before pretending like you were doing something else. You cursed inwardly when you saw that it was the last person you wished to see at this moment, a rare sentiment given how your eyes usually search for him in a crowd.

The group of boys didn’t seem to pay you much mind as they huffed, laughing at something you did not catch on to as they threw their bags down. You masked the pounding of your chest with a violent stroke of your highlighter against the notebook that opened up hastily in front of you when you heard them going near the table you had been eyeing all morning.

“Huh? What is this?” 

You buried your nose in your book, but glanced at the few boys gathering around the desk from the corner of your eyes. 

Your heart wrenched when you heard one of the boys snorted, before shoving the box into your crush’s chest. “It’s for you.”

The sharp tear made your scalp tingle, but you fought back the urge to sit up straighter in reflex.

Couldn’t let them know you were listening, couldn’t let them know you cared.

“Ah... it’s a scarf,” even in your most delusional mind, there was no way you could ignore the slight hint of annoyance at his voice. 

“Hm, they said they made it themselves.”

The density of the air around you was a stark comparison to the boys’ howling and laughing that followed. The recipient of the gift only shoved the garment into the box roughly before plopping the lid back on.

“So?” one of his friends asked, snickering, “what are you going to do about it?”

The click of his tongue that followed twisted around your throat until all the blood rushed up to your face, burning and suffocating you. “Do you want it?”

“Hell no, why would I want a re-gift?” The other boy yelled with a holler, “why don’t you just keep it yourself  

“Well, I can’t wear it, can I? It’s gonna give them the wrong idea.” The nonchalant way he so easily brushed off the undoubted hours and hours of effort whoever made the gift must have dedicated to the present that was now pushed to the very back of his drawer felt foreign to you. A pang of bitterness welled up in your mouth, running your tongue dry as your mind go blank. 

“Besides, don’t you think getting something handknitted from someone you aren’t with is a bit too suffocating?”

The gift bag in your drawer remained to stay right where it was when other people started rushing into the room, when the class bell rang, when the same boy who you now realised wasn’t as nice as you thought he might be rushed out with the same smile he had on when he came in that morning. 

You shoved it into your bag first thing when you were getting ready to leave, hoping that no one would catch on.

You were surprisingly serene when you tore into hours and hours of effort until it was just a bundle of yarn on the floor.

You were age 15, swearing that you were never doing crushes ever again and finally decided with determination that knitting was just not for you

-

But life has its ways of making you think twice about every promise you had made to yourself.

First in the form of a snowfall you had not expected, and then with a boy who was always prepared for the cold.

Waking up early in the mornings just to tread yourself through the chilly streets sucked, but having to rush out because the initial “5 minutes more” you told yourself as you pulled the futon over your head once more turned into you having to rush out the door with your coat barely even worn properly in the matter of a flutter of your eyes. 

Your mouth was dry and your stomach empty from skipping past the breakfast that had already gone cold on the table by the time you passed it by. It wasn’t until you felt the pain tearing at your skin from the few bits of your body exposed to the specks of snow flowing down onto the back of your hand, so cold that it felt almost like a burn when the feeling settled, that you remembered the mittens you had also left at the side of your dresser. 

Great, just wonderful.

Winter in Hyogo was forgiving on some days, brutal and mocking on the others. The grey clouds were thick and gloomy as you dashed down the road, pulling the collar of your jacket up desperately to shield your face from the wind that you were up against face first, slicing down like blades before you finally made the last turn into the comforting walls of your school building. Your face felt numb of any senses even as you brought your palm up to try and give it some warmth, only to hiss into your hand when the frosted tips of your fingers brushed against your skin.

The bell rang almost right on cue as you stepped into the classroom, letting out a sigh and salvaging in the temporary supply of warmth from your own breath. Your lips were so dry and so chapped from the cold, even just darting your tongue out to swipe over the rough edges had it almost tearing at the thin skin. You winced at the pain, which did not serve you anything other than making the ache worse.

You sighed as you sunk down on your chair, finally able to let your limbs go slack at your sides after being so tense all the way through your walk. The sudden release of the tension you had been holding on you resulted in a broken inhale as you tried to calm the beating dee under the many layers you were wearing, feeling as if you were suffocated in your core with the heat trapped in and only within the center of your body.

“Are you alright?”

Turning to your side was a struggle as you shrugged off the stiff coat you were wearing. You were sure you looked nothing short of ridiculous as the puffer jacket hung loosely around your arms, your arms extended awkwardly to hold it from sliding off the ground. Your state of being was a stark contrast to the boy who was sitting next to you, his back all straight and proper. 

You did not really think much about Kita Shinsuke, even though he had been sitting next to you for almost half a year now. There was something distant about him, like he was in a whole world of his own while everyone else just circulated around. He was always polite, never slipped up, getting back earlier than most and arrived at each function punctually. Your image of him was that he was always paying attention in class while everyone else was drooling off, his voice loud but calm when he was suddenly called to read out whatever passage you were supposed to have read at home but obviously didn’t.

It was strange, you were almost distancing yourself from him despite physically being next to him at all times.

He just didn’t seem so real, didn’t feel very human to you.

“Are you alright?” Kita asked again, this time tilting his head a little seeing that you were looking ahead blankly instead of responding.

You snapped out of your trance, quickly yanking off your jacket to place it on your lap in what you hoped was a swift motion to save the embarrassment of acting like a socially numb idiot.

“Oh, I’m fine,” you smiled, shoving your hands under your coat to try and warm up the fingers you still couldn’t feel under the fleece, “thank you for asking.” You added, almost like a second thought as you grew more and more uneased by his seemingly doubtful gaze.

Kita’s eyes went to your hair that was still not yet tidied up from being tangled up by the wind, the dots of water on your coat that was no doubt left from the snow, and your hands that were now rubbing together again and again under the coat according to his guess.

His brows furrowed at the way you were folding yourself smaller and smaller, pulling the heavy jacket that was about to slip off your lap up against your body desperately.

There was a rush of shiver to your spine at the way he pursed his lips together, and you gulped as subtly as you could while trying to maintain the smile on your face. 

There was a speckle, a tiny bud of warmth setting off in your stomach when he turned around and slipped his hands into his jacket, hung neatly at the back of his chair unlike yours, and took out a small packet. It was a white fabric pocket but you could see the black powder inside from the thin fabric. 

You did not react when he held his hand out, slender fingers holding on the hand warmer mid-air as he waited for you to take it from him. You blinked at the boy who you had never really looked at properly until now, and felt a strange twist in your stomach at the notice that there was a slight flush on his face from the cold, dusting over his cheeks and leading your gaze to his eyes that were looking at you patiently.

He must have thought that you were so strange, you grimaced to yourself when the pang of guilt rushed to your face and burning to the tip of your ears at the remembrance that you had assumed him to be the strange one when you were being so disrespectful right now.

You held out both hands in front of him, looking like a child when he dropped the little bag in your hand. Nothing could stop the sigh from slipping out of your lips when you felt the heat it was emitting, landing on your fingertips like coal in the snow and seeping into your skin.

The warmth travelled from your skin down to your veins, running slowly and slowly until it settled down as a fuzzy tingle in your chest at the thought that it was so warm because he had been the one keeping it in his pocket, likely trapping the heat within his palms when he was holding the warmer himself.

“Thank you Kita kun...” you said appreciatively, swallowing the whine that was threatening to come out with the last note of your voice when you felt your senses slowly returning to you.

“You’re welcome,” he replied, and your heart skipped a beat when he leaned his chin on his palm and gave you a tiny smile, “you should keep it, my hands don’t get cold that easily and I brought mittens.”

You did not speak to him again that day as class started and he, like the good student you never were, put his attention back to things that were more worthwhile. But you could not help but listen carefully for the first time ever when he was once again called to read out the lengthy piece of literature you didn’t study, and feeling a burst of exciting, nerve-wracking warmth budding in your chest.

-

At age 15, you promised yourself you were not doing crushes over dumb teenage boys again. At age 17, you realised that the pang in your chest when Kita Shinsuke replied to your greeting each morning (one that you tried hard to make it sound as casual as one could get, if you may add) with a smile was the same as that when you imagined your old crushed looking up from the ball court to lock gazes with you. 

But Kita was not a dumb teenage boy, he was nice and well-mannered and asked you if you were alright on a winter day. So you told yourself you did not exactly break your promise, even though there was a lingering fear at the knowing that there too was a time when you thought the boy who sneered at the carefully wrapped box on his desk was nice and beaming like the sun.

(You had, however, screamed into your pillow in frustration the day he told you they made him the captain of the volleyball team for the next year when you carefully suggested that he seemed happier than usual. “Captains,” you groaned into your make-shift punching bag, “why are they always captains?”)

Winter passed, and then it was spring. Spring was the time for a new start, but you were not excited about changes. You had been content with a simple “good morning” every day made possible by the convenience of your adjacent tables, but how were you supposed to conceal your yearning for a smile and a nonchalant word of care as nothing out of place if you had to go out your way just to even catch a glimpse at him?　

You had to force yourself, clamp your lips tight together to stop the pitiful squeal that was close to bursting out from the back of your throat when you saw the familiar kanji, the same one as the direction always pointing people forward and the brightest star hanging on the sky, at the “ki” column of the class list. 

Your third and last year and still in the same class, this was a sign, this had got to be a sign.

The anticipation was hard to conceal as you paced down the hallway until stopping at the sign of “3-7″ above the door. The embarrassment immediately followed the initial rush of glee at the boy who was, as expected already there. He was sitting at the first seat at the row leaning by the wall and even though your heart died a little at the conflict that you could not slack in class with the whoever it was standing in front of the blackboard so close to you, you still walked closer to the table right behind his with carefully controlled steps.

“Good morning Kita kun,” you said, still fumbling to find a balanced tone between letting him know you were happy to see him but not too much, glad that you were in the same class but not in a creepy way, hoping that he also searched for your name the way you looked for his but not holding out too much for it.

your throat tightened when he smiled back at you, “Good morning, (y/l/n) san.”

“You are early,” you blurted out, praying that it wasn’t too sudden.

“Yes, I had to stop by the club room to prepare for the upcoming tryouts before coming back.” He had turned around to face you completely, and you searched for everything your brain could come up with to keep the conversation going.

“Oh right, you are the captain now,” you cursed yourself for stating something so obvious in your brain, absolutely loathing air-headed your own voice sounded in your head. You breathed in, mastering your courage to appear confident and charming, “I hope it’s alright if I sit here behind you?”

You were smiling, but your knuckles were hurting from how hard you had to grip at the handle of your bag just to hold yourself back from fidgeting. The chair was already half pulled-out, and you crouched down just slightly as you waited for a response.

You knew you were the one who asked, but what if he said no?

But he didn’t, and not even the fear of appearing like a fool in front of the boy you so wanted to impress could stop you from grinning ear to ear when he laughed. You didn’t think you had heard Kita laugh before. It was an addicting sound, crisp like bells and like the pink petals that were falling off the trees all around campus. 

You knew at that moment you didn’t care if this crush was just as dumb as the last one, or that you might end up looking like a fool for going against what you had so sternly told yourself when you were 15.

Screw 15 year old you, they knew nothing.

“Of course.”

-

Then winter rolled by the corner, as an angry current sweeping the dried leaves off the road and the temperature dropping and dropping until you were taking out your heavy coat from the back of your closet again.

It was with great regret and exasperation that you found out, one year after starting to learn more about Kita Shinsuke, that he was brilliant and absolutely so passionate about knitting.

The way you had a whole storm brewing in your head over something as simple as getting back to your classroom after lunch break to see a very calm, serene Kita at his table, with a ball of yarn on his lap and two needles threading with each other in his hand, was an absolute joke. You had tried to form an interest in volleyball just to have more chances to talk to him, going as far as to sit through the hour long practices matches that Inarizaki always had with other schools at the far back corner of the gym just to have something to bring up in a passing the next day. But of all the things, of all the things this person who seemed to be good at everything liked, it has got to be the one thing that you associated with nothing but bad memories.

“What are you making?” you asked, holding back the screaming thoughts in your head as you slid down into your own seat and leaned forward.

The little glimmer of joy in his eyes was hard to miss, and you were not sure if you want to feel triumphant for finding a new excuse to talk to him or cry because you had not looked at a knitting needle in years.

“I’m knitting socks,” he said and held up the tunnel of knitted fabric dangling off his needles, “it’s almost Christmas, and I wanted to make something practical for my teammates.” 

“Hm?” You nodded, urging him to go on as if your own scalp was not frying from the recoil of what happened the last few times you wanted to make something practical for someone.

“This is for Akagi from class 6,” he immediately added, thinking about how you might not know who Akagi from class 6 was, “he had been complaining about having cold feet at morning practices lately.”

(You did, in fact, know who Akagi from class 6 was, but decided to let him give you the information instead of exposing how much attention you paid to the Inarizaki Volleyball Club.)

Man, you had never wished you knew how to knit as much you do now.

“Can you teach me how to knit?”

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck-

You froze at the words that went straight through your brain to your mouth and vocalised in the quiet classroom. 

“There’s something I want to make,” you gulped, stumbling to force a smile onto your face, “for someone.”

Someone as in, well, him.

You had already braced yourself to chuckle it off when he said that he was busy, or just some sort of well-intended reasoning that would all point to the immediate  conclusion in your head that you were just overstepping boundaries as no one but another classmate who just happened to sit near him for the past year.

But the screaming in your head stopped, leaving your world in absolute silence when he placed the ball of yarn onto his table and pulled another ball out from his bag.

“Sure.”

-

You did not notice, which was strange because you were usually the first to overthink on each of his miniatures, that Kita Shinsuke nearly dropped the needles in his hand when you quickly, in the middle of your inner panicking, suggested that there was someone you wanted to knit for.

He wavered for a brief moment, wondering if he really wanted to teach you how to knit for someone else, before feeling a sour guilt that he was being a bad friend by hesitating to help you when you asked.

He wondered who it was that you wanted to make something for, he thought to himself as he handed you the spare pair of needles he had.

Must be someone important to you.

-

So every day until you eventually go on break for Christmas and the new years, you would go back to your classroom early during lunch period to learn how to knit from Kita Shinsuke, who was coincidentally who the eventually finished piece that you hope you would finish was meant for.

You went into this with no thought other than to suck up on your own impulsiveness and just milked what had become of it as much as you could, trying to fish the opportunity of spending extra time with him. You were not even sure if you would actually give him the finished piece if there would be any, you were not sure if you were prepared to go down the progress of determination turned hesitation turned eventual heartbreak that last time you had to muster up any courage just to gift something to another person.

Even though this was all an excuse for you to talk to Kita, there was no denying that the 3 years in which you avoided knitting only made your hands even clumsier than before. He was always patient, always stopping his hands with whatever sock or hat or glove he was making to take a look at what would hopefully become an intact piece of knitwork dangling off of your needles.

“Let me see.”

The soft hum from his nasal every time you called for his assistant was enough to have you weak, and you were so glad that he put all his focus on helping you because then he wouldn’t notice you staring at him rather shamelessly.

On days when the weather was good, it was as if his eyes were the winter sun, the same one that was spilling in through the windows and casting a soft halo around him, all while his brows contorted in concentration over your work.

It turned out that Kita Shinsuke was great at teaching, and while much slower than him, you eventually managed to sit in comfort silent with him in the tender winter afternoons of Hyogo and let the sounds of thread pulling filled the air. You were trying but he was a natural, even though he claimed that it was just a direct result from years, a decade of practicing.

In the time you had struggled to focus on one piece, you had seen Kita worked on a multitude of things you were sure you should not even attempt to make. There was a nice thick pair of gloves for Ojiro, the trusty spiker who was feeling bothered by his dry hands from cold water. Another pair of gloves but this time fingerless because, to quote Kita, Suna Rintarou probably wouldn’t wear anything that kept him away from his lovely touch screen. You saw woollen hats twice but in different colours, and he had explained that he thought of making something different for the ruckus twin boys but figured they would just get into yet another fight over who gets what.

Crush aside, you wished you had a slither of his skills.

“I think anyone can be good at knitting,” he said, handing you back the row of maroon casts you had asked him to check up on with an approving nod. His fingertips just barely brushed against yours as he let go of the needles, sending shivers up your forearm that you were so glad was covered by your cardigan.

You laughed, brushing your finger at the few spots that you struggled to get right on the pattern, “I doubt.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?” he said, pointing towards the casts that got neater and neater as you progressed visibly, “you are already getting better.”

You pursed your lips, toying with the unfinished hem.

You had learnt a long time ago that sometimes you tried your best, but the best was not always enough. Sometimes, the best would get you a huff and a complaint that your heart and soul was too heavy, too suffocating. Sometimes the more and more you put into something meant that you did not know where to put it anymore once you tore it apart after no longer having someone to give it too, but it was too much to shove back into the hole in your heart.

You wondered if your best or your “better” was enough this time.

“Kita kun.”

“Hm?” he hummed, like how he always did when you look up at him from your hands. But you did not look at him this time, twirling the loose end of the yarn in your index finger instead.

“Do you think getting something handknitted from someone you aren’t with is suffocating?”

Kita frowned at the sad smile that was on your lips. You were looking at what he assumed would be a scarf from the casting and the patterns, rubbing at the slightly crooked cable. Were you thinking of the person you want to give it to? Were you worried that they wouldn’t like it? He had made himself stop speculating who it was that made you get back early each day and struggle so clearly with something you didn’t seem to exactly enjoy just to make something thoughtful for them, but he couldn’t stop the bitterness from welling up that it was someone who made you worry over them finding you suffocating.

He wanted to tell you that anyone who thought so was not someone who deserved your time, but swallowed it down anyways.

“No,” he said, and you finally looked up at him, “I think it is rude to think that of someone who put effort into doing anything with me in mind.”

And there it was again, the same warmth that tingled until it was all you could feel. Like a hand warmer, like a simple hello in the mornings, like the winter sun that was shining on you.

Right.

You smiled, a genuine one this time.

Because Kita Shinsuke was not just some dumb crush, because he wasn’t like the boy who never really did look up to see you, because you were ok with breaking every single promise you had made to shield yourself off just for a chance with him.

He seemed confused at your sudden change of mood, but you only shook your head and picked up the knitting needles again.

“You’re right.”

-

To say that everyone was hyped for winter break was an understatement.

But you, you were just really nervous.

You greeted Kita when you came back in the morning as usual, feeling the nerve bundling up in your stomach already just from knowing that if this went badly, you could not bear it to pretend to still be his friend from then on. Classes did not pique your interest in the slightest, and the only time you even diverted your gaze upwards from the book you were staring at blankly was when Kita’s voice rang in the classroom, blocking the blackboard from your view as he stood up to answer some question you did not know the answer to.

He looked warm, you remarked to yourself as your eyes scanned through the grey vest he was wearing.

Did he make it himself? Maybe you should ask him for a tutorial later.

And then you remembered that it was the last day before break, and your knitting sessions with him was already over. Your scarf was finished, he even complimented you on it. (“I’m sure whoever got this will be very pleased,” he had said, and you were just praying to whatever entity you could think of that he would still think so when you give it to him) It wouldn’t make sense for you to go to him anymore, and it would be awkward for both of you if he knew that you were only learning how to knit to be around him.

Your hands were so cold, nearly in pain as you grip on the box that you had been hiding in your bag all day long. You backed out of giving it to him during lunch when no one else was around, deciding that you would rather not stare at his back for another few hours after basically exposing yourself. But the day was about to come to an end. The winter sun was always gone early, and the sky was lit up in shades of orange and red as students rushed home for the start of their break.

You sucked in a deep breath when you saw him packing up his things after the end-of-class bell rang.

“Kita kun?”

“Yes?”

All you could hear was the beating in your ears and the hilt of what was a steady rhythm when he turned to look at you. His voice still made you melt, and heat spread on your face like the fiery cloud hanging on the sky from the setting sun.

Warm, bright, beautiful.

“This is for you,” you tried to stop your voice from shaking as you looked into his eyes, the same ones that widened when he saw the box on your extended hands, “thank you for helping me all through last year.”

You had to remind yourself to breath as Kita took the wrapped present. “Can I open it?” he asked, his hand hovering above the ribbon.

You tried to maintain the smile on your face.

“Of course.”

Kita knew the scarf that was sitting inside the box, he could point out which cast was his doing and which ones you had asked him for help even with his eyes closed. He had wondered about what you had done with it, whether the person who got it was worth your heart and soul.

He had wished, with sincerity, that it would go well for you but there was also a selfish part of him that pondered, contemplated how it might go if he told you he would love to have that scarf.

You grimaced when he didn’t say a word, before slowly closing up the box. You had prepared yourself for this outcome, but part of you still felt a familiar sting in your chest.

Until you saw him digging into his own bag and pulling out a tiny bag. You were still dazed as he handed it to you, his fingers holding onto the handle and a smile on his face as he waited for you to take it. You reached out with both palms, before the weight of it settled in your hand.

It was a pair of gloves, soft and sturdy in your hands without a single stitch out of place. Your finger brushed against the intricate patterns at the center before stopping at the elastic hem. You could not help but slid it on, gasping in awe at how it fit perfectly.

Kita was smiling at you, and he was throwing the end of the scarf to his back when you looked up at him. The one he had worn that morning when he made way back to school under the cold was shoved into his bag and replaced by the less well-made one you had given him.

But he didn’t care, he loved it.

“Should we go?” He asked, holding his own gloved-hand out, “They are closing the school soon.”

You finally got to be mesmerised by him without having to shy away, and the way his eyes were full of you could only be matched to the sun that was setting outside, rays of what would be the last of its shine until tomorrow reflecting off the snow.

Beautiful, soft, and had your heart all warm and gooey.

“Let’s go.” You replied, grinning ear to ear, before taking his hand.

And it was so, so warm.

[searedwood]

30 Day Gay Journal Prompts

This is specifically designed for Pride Month and self celebration, but this can be for literally any other use. Except hate. No hate allowed.

Day 1- Write your preferred name(s), pronouns, nice nouns (nouns you like to be referred to as), and bad nouns (nouns you don't like to be referred to as).

Day 2- Record your triggers, from really bad to not as bad to getting over it. Add any specifications or notes if you feel like you need them. This is so you can identify what makes you uncomfortable or panicked, which will help you be able to identify and avoid a situation in which you may feel threatened, uncomfortable, or panicked.

Day 3- Make a list of signs that you are having a panic attack. This will help you be able to communicate to close friends or family members what may happen in an event you become panicked. This will also help you identify when you're having a panic attack, which will help you be able to calm down. Additionally, record some ways that will help stop the panic attack. For me, some ways of calming down are to go outside, my stuffie, breathing and grounding exercises, comfort music, and puns or jokes.

Day 4- Take some time and think about what makes you happy and relaxed. Write down your comfort music, comfort videos, and comfort characters. If you have a comfort game or movie, include that as well. This is to help you identify a source of calm, relaxation, and happiness that you can easily fall back on if you are uncomfortable or scared.

Day 5- Do some research on LGBTQIA+ labels, flags, and symbols. Write down your gender identity and what it means for you. Write down your sexual and romantic orientations as well, and what they mean for you. Additionally, draw little Pride Flags and symbols beside each label. I drew the genderfaunet flag on the inside cover of my journal, along with corresponding flowers that represent what I see in my identity, as well as what I hope to integrate into myself (Snowdrop - rebirth, Chrysanthemum - truth, Rose leaves - hope, Lilacs - growth/progress, Yarrow - healing, and Narcissus - self love)

Day 6- Write down the titles of your favorite LGBTQIA+ books, movies, TV shows, and games, or titles you want to see/read/play. Do a little digging and find out what titles sound interesting. Supporting LGBTQIA+ creators is a wonderful way to celebrate Pride.

Day 7- Journaling doesn't have to be just writing. Try drawing some LGBTQIA+ inspired art, whether it's just a few doodles, a flag or two, or a beautiful painting. Dedicate this entry to expressing yourself and your identity in a way without words.

Day 8- Write gay poetry. You may not think yourself talented or particularly good at writing poems, but that doesn't mean you should keep yourself from doing it, even for a day. Poetry is a wonderful way to bend language to your will and express yourself in a way that only you have to understand. Write a poem expressing your experience in the LGBTQIA+ community, or a poem detailing your first gay crush. Whatever you feel on your heart today, put it into beautifully unique words.

Day 9- Write about the moment you realized you weren't straight or binary. Alternatively, write about the moment you learned what the LGBTQIA+ community was. Describe your feelings and thoughts in the moment, and reflect over how they have changed and evolved over time.

Day 10- Take a moment and think about where you would be if LGBTQIA+ rights have existed all along, without the need for reform laws or protests. Write down who you think you would be, how you would live, and how easy it would be to do things you can't right now. At the same time, think about the disadvantages. Consider the lack of a fight for freedom and how that may influence your opinion or thoughts.

Day 11- Write a letter to your younger self. Tell your younger self about who you are and who you've become. Give them words of encouragement about the journey ahead. Remind your younger self that no matter what happens, you turn out to be a wonderful and beautiful person.

Day 12- Write a letter to your older self. Detail your present experience as a member/ally of the LGBTQIA+ community. Present your ideas about where the community will be moving forward and how much progress society as a whole will make. Ask yourself some questions, like "How do you celebrate your identity?" Later in the future, you can come back to this letter and respond.

Day 13- Learn some phrases or words of Polari. Polari is a critically endangered language invented by young gay men living in Britain. It was also used by circus men and theatre kids. Few LGBTQIA+ people now know of the language, so there's no better time to try to revive it.

Day 14- Do some research on Pride history. Record interesting or important events that marked the history of the LGBTQIA+ community. What happened at the first Pride Parade? Who was the first advocate for gay and lesbian marriage? What was the LGBTQIA+ community like before it was acceptable to be openly queer?

Day 15- Write a letter to those that are anti-LGBTQIA+. Explain why queer rights are humans rights. Tell them that love is love. Or, if you're feeling like letting loose that anger, just tell them off. This letter is for your eyes only, so don't be afraid to get mean if it makes you feel better.

Day 16- Take a moment and think about how you wish to represent yourself. Do you want to wear skirts and dresses? Do you prefer baggy pants and a puffy jacket? Do you like wearing makeup? How do you style your hair? Record how you currently dress and look and how you wish you could dress and look. Write about how your wishes reflect your identity.

Day 17- Write some ways you can improve on the way you treat yourself. Are you hard on yourself because you just can't make the right grade? Do you obsess over how you don't fit in to your family's standards of gender and sexuality? Give yourself some love and think about how you can be nicer to yourself. Remind yourself that school grades aren't more important than your own needs. Remember that if you are in an unhealthy relationship with friends or family, it isn't your fault.

Day 18- Write about what really makes you feel like yourself. You know better than anyone what your authentic self is. So what is it? What makes you feel really... you?

Day 19- If someone described you, what would they say? This can be anything from physical appearance to personality. This can help you think about how you present yourself to others. Do you want more people to know exactly what gender you identify as? Do you not want people to know what pronouns you prefer?

Day 20- Do some research on neopronouns. If you don't use any, perhaps you'll find a set or three you feel comfortable with (if not, that's fine!) If you can't do your own research, try making up your own set! I sometimes feel semi-feminine, like just a little teaspoon of femininity, but I don't really like she/her pronouns. So, I made for myself a set that sounds similar but isn't quite there. Xe/Xer/Xers/Xerself. The 'x' is pronounced like the 's' in 'measure.' A good way to make sure you know how to use a set of neopronouns in a sentence is to use this example I got from pronouny: Today I went to the park with xer. Xe brought xer frisbee. At least, I think it was xers. By the end of the day, xe was throwing the frisbee to xerself.

Day 21- Have you heard the phrase "black sheep of the herd"? It refers to someone that doesn't really fit in to their social group. In what ways are you the black sheep? Is it because of your identity or orientation? How can you help others to see you aren't different and shouldn't be alienated? How can you encourage people to welcome LGBTQIA+ people to the herd?

Day 22- Imagine you are teaching a class of young children about LGBTQIA+, gender, and sexual/romantic orientations. What would you say? How would you encourage them to be open minded and to explore their own identities?

Day 23- With great Pride comes great hardships. There are many obstacles and difficulties when it comes to finding your true self and figuring out your identity and orientation. What hardships have you overcome? What have you learned from them?

Day 24- One of your friends comes to you about having questions about gender identity. They are questioning their own identity and seek your help and support. List some ways you would help your friend feel supported and loved while also helping them discover their identity.

Day 25- List three things you would do if you weren't afraid. (For me, these would easily be: attending Pride Parades, advocating for queer rights, and coming out)

Day 26- Take your favorite or least favorite LGBTQIA+ ship and rewrite a scene as if they were together, or list some of your favorite queer ships.

Day 27- Discover some gender-neutral terms for things like family members, romantic partners, or honorifics (Mister, Miss, Mx.). If you can't find any you find interesting or comfortable, try creating some of your own. My pibling (parent+sibling) calls me their nibling or nibkid (NB term for sibling's child).

Day 28- Have you ever wanted to write a story? Record an idea or two, or three or four, for LGBTQIA+ stories. They can be anything from lesbian princesses to a coming-of-age trans story. Maybe you'll end up planning out your best seller!

Day 29- Think about what rights aren't granted to LGBTQIA+ people. What are they? Do they directly affect you as well? How do these lack of rights make you feel? What can you do to help advocate for these rights?

Day 30- The last day of Pride Month doesn't mean it's the last day of acceptance and love. How can you spread Pride throughout the year? How can you keep and open mind and heart and advocate for LGBTQIA+ rights? Maybe set a list of goals for yourself, things you want to keep up through the year.

[specsforwoo]

Son of Bia | Demigod!Nakamoto Yuta

Parent Deity: Bia (Goddess of Power, Anger, and Raw Energy)

Allegiance: Zeus

“My power is no fucking illusion.”

Easily Yuta’s favorite quote

He has been in and out of different martial arts programs since he was able to stand

Everything from Judo to Aikido

He’s done it

Right now he is currently working on boxing because he got to see Daigo Higa live (at one of his KOs) and he instantly fell in love with the art

So Yuta is one of the few kids to have known that he was a demigod since he was really young

The only others are Jaemin and Jisung

His dad was a martial artist and he had grown up in and out of gyms since he was 3 years old

And his mom was actually around until he was about 15

So from about 5 years old on, he was aware that he had a goddess as a mother

His parents never tried to hide it from him

But he wasn’t claimed until he was 15

It’s a long story

To shorten it up

His mother was forced to return to Olympus to carry out orders given by Zeus

But like a week later he had this huge aikido competition

And boy was just in a slump

Like he almost got KO’ed with a kick to the head

Which NEVER happens

It hurt his pride

As a martial artist and as his mother’s son

His father was with him, telling him his mother was looking down and cheering him on

But Yuta just couldn’t feel it

But this warmth of home just surrounded him

And in the metal of the locker door, he caught sight of a shimmering chain and feather above his head

His father gave him a huge smile

And he could feel his mother with him again

That last match of the day was the best he has ever performed

So

Yes, he has been aware of his godly heritage for a long time

But he had never been to camp before

But once you are claimed your scent becomes like 20x stronger

So at the age of 19 his parents decided to send him to the camp for the summer

Yuta was realllllyyyyy against this

His whole argument was

I’ve known who I was for so long, why the hell are you making me go to some group therapy session 14 years later.

His mind changed the 3rd day at camp

Okay the first day he was just in a pissy mood and almost punched the Camp Medic but that almost got him into a brawl with some son of Zelus, who just happened to be his cousin

The second day he was still in a pissy mood but now he also had a black eye so he was even more grouchy

But the third day was life changing

Some Ares kid who was like 12 years old ran up to him and begged him to come join him and his cabin in the training rink

And Yuta followed because, an octagon? Hell yes

The Ares camp leader agreed to work on some aikido moves with the kids and Yuta agreed to be his opponent

He suddenly remembered why he loved martial arts

And why he loved his parents

So soon he made up with Sicheng and actually became really close to that Zelus kid, Xuxi

And after that he was considered the best fighter in camp

He had led a few missions, once accompanied by Xuxi’s girlfriend and they almost got into another brawl but it’s cool. Xuxi is just overprotective

He was also co-captain for the Ares house during competitions

So after his 4th year back at camp

This time he started up a makeshift boxing gym in the training facility and was helping some of the more academically inclined demigods train

And by academically inclined he means nerds but Taeyong yelled at him for that so

You just happened to be one of those academically inclined individuals

But you weren’t horrible in the athletic department either

As a daughter of Hermes you were quite mischievous

Which meant you needed to know how to get out of tight situations fast

So your stamina was incredible

But as for strength

You were screwed if you had to put up a fight for some reason

So you decided to seek help in Yuta

The lessons that the camp allowed him to teach weren’t as rigorous as he would like to be

But at the same time he was so amazed at how many people were actually interested in the sport that he loved so much

So you were basically the quiet girl in the back of the room unless one of your friends was in the class with you

Then you became the life of the party

But Yuta honestly wanted to see you be the life of the party all the time

Like you made classes so much more brighter

And he was learning that with a little bit more practice you could have quite the heavy hand on you

To say you didn’t admire Yuta would be a lie

A HUGE lie

As Jisung (a young camper you had taken under your wing) would say it

“You are so whipped.”

Like whipped to the point that

You would go to the gym more often to workout and watch him work out

Stop your half-siblings from pulling dangerous pranks on the Bia cabin

Work with Sicheng and Xuxi more, along with Jaehyun

And Yuta was doing the exact same thing

Silently moving closer to you in the gym while he was working out

Hanging out with the Hermes kids more in attempts to pull pranks on other houses

Hanging out in the med center and courtyard more often

Honestly Sicheng was at another screaming point that if the two of you didn’t kiss soon he was going to force it.

Thankfully Jaehyun already had that under control

Today was one of your off days from helping Sicheng in the Med Center but you were also really close with his girlfriend so you offered to help while you were waiting for her to finish up

Yuta on the other hand was outside the camp in a taekwondo tournament with Jaehyun for ‘moral support’ (someone to help his beat ass home)

He won but he had multiple lacerations on his face and what appeared to be a dislocated shoulder

Hobbling in with the help of Jaehyun was no surprise to Sicheng or his girlfriend, who both just put down whatever they were doing and Sicheng gliding across the floor on his wheely chair (Sicheng loves his wheely chair) while she just went to work gathering saline solution, gauze and other things

But for you

This was a BIG surprise

Sure you were used to seeing Yuta with the constant bandage on his jaw and gauze around his ankle or wrist

But this was the first time that you had seen what had come before the clean up

It was actually something Yuta tried to hide from you

He didn’t want to make you feel like he led a violent life, it was just that as the type of athlete he was, he just had to roll with the punches… and kicks… and slams

And you were just there standing in the middle of the Med Center with your jaw tight to stop from tears welling while Sicheng and everyone else acted like this was a normal day’s occurrence

You were also used to seeing the constant smirk or resting bitch face plastered across his stoic features

But he was wincing every time his shoulder moved and looked ready to yell at Sicheng for pouring Saline into a cut

Yet when he looked up at you

He gave a small smile

Something about that brought you back to reality

You rushed over and began examining his shoulder, and relocated after making sure his collarbone wasn’t broken or anything

After Sicheng finished he called his girlfriend over and they walked out with Jaehyun following close behind

You weren’t supposed to see that.

The statement caught you off guard.

Why?

I don’t want you to see the pain I deal with and to think I live a violent life because of it.

His head dropped just low enough for his overgrown bangs to hide the expression melting onto his features

I don’t think you live a violent life.

You don’t?

I think you live your life to the fullest, I think you go after what your heart desires, I think you want to push your mind and body to their very limits. I don’t think that’s violent.

For some reason after that conversion you two just knew that you were together

It was very unspoken but it was there

He still hated you show you his wounds

But he begged you to show him yours

He still acted shy in the gym

But smiled a million times brighter when you were in the ring with him

He lived for the moments of adrenaline rush inside an octagon

But prayed for the moments he stepped out the ring and into your arms

He was still the same old Yuta

He was still constantly fighting

He was still constantly on missions

He was still everything that you fell in love with

But there was something different

He wanted to show you off to everyone

He made you meet his parents (mortal and deity – at the same dinner table)

He wanted to talk about apartments and universities

He was in for the long haul

Like one night you had snuck into the Bia cabin since Hermes had just gotten 3 new campers who couldn’t sleep

And you were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, legs tangled together just talking

He was in his oversized white t-shirt and cookie monster pajama shorts

You were in a jacket of his and leggings

And it felt right to him

Gods he would never admit it to anyone else

But he found the piece of him that was missing when his mother had to leave

He just blurted it out

25379 Songjam-ro gil, Seongbuk-dong, Seoul

What?

It’s an apartment, it’s really nice, really close to camp, close to campus, big enough, I placed first year’s rent yesterday.

OH MY GODS YUTA DO YOU EVEN HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY?

I’ve been saving for a while.

What are you even going to do with it?

I got it for the both of us. We’ve been talking about moving in together and I don’t see why we can’t now. I really want this.

He seemed so excited telling you about it

How could you say no?

Everyone gets together for a small house warming party and it’s a disaster

Sicheng is drunk screaming about how it fucking took long enough

Mark is crying in the corner because his hyung is leaving him

Taeyong his about to pull his hair out

Doyoung is force feeding Jaehyun wine???

Taeil is trying to make Mark stop crying

Johnny and Ten are dancing on your new couch

But Yuta and you are in your own world

And everything just feels right…

[marlborodean]

spn quotes: season one

i’m collecting a bunch of quotes from the show! favorite lines, good points of characterization, etc. all organized by episode and character, and with timestamps!

w/ncest shippers get lost

season two.

1. PILOT

Dean—

[Sam: So we kill everything we can find.] Save a lot of people doing it, too. (08:51)

I can’t do this alone. [Sam: Yes, you can.] Yeah. Well, I don’t want to. (09:30)

[Officer: So. Fake U.S. Marshal, fake credit cards. You got anything that’s real?] My boobs. (28:50)

Sam—

When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45. [Dean: What was he supposed to do?] I was 9 years old. He was supposed to say, “Don’t be afraid of the dark.” (08:30)

You think Mom would’ve wanted this for us? (08:58)

We were raised like warriors. (09:06)

[Dean: Are you just gonna live some normal, apple-pie life? Is that it?] No, not normal. Safe. [And that’s why you ran away.] I was just going to college. It was Dad who said if I was gonna go, I should stay gone. (09:09)

[Dean: You’re really serious about this, aren’t you? You think you’re just gonna become some lawyer, marry your girl?] Maybe. Why not? [Does Jessica know the truth about you? I mean, does she know about the things you’ve done?] No, and she’s not ever going to know. [Well, that’s healthy. You can pretend all you want, Sammy, but sooner or later you’re gonna have to face up to who you really are.] And who is that? [One of us.] No. I’m not like you. This is not going to be my life. (22:45)

If it weren’t for pictures, I wouldn’t even know what Mom looks like. What difference would it make? Even if we do find the thing that killed her, Mom’s gone, and she isn’t coming back. (23:17)

2. W*ND*G* ( x )

Dean—

Her brother’s missing, Sam. She’s not just gonna sit this out. (14:55)

[Hailey: And you’re hiking out in biker boots and jeans?] Well, sweetheart, I don’t do shorts. (15:54)

I’m supposed to be the belligerent one, remember? (25:13)

The way I see it, Dad’s given us a job to do, and I intend to do it. (26:31)

All that anger, you can’t keep it burning over the long haul. It’s gonna kill you. You gotta have patience, man. [Sam: How do you do it? How does Dad do it?] Well, for one, them. I mean, I figure our family’s so screwed to hell, maybe we can help some others. It makes things a little bit more bearable. And I’ll tell you what else helps. Killing as many evil sons of bitches as I possibly can. (27:05)

Sam—

[Dean: No, you’re not fine. You’re like a powder keg, man. It’s not like you.] (25:06)

3. DEAD IN THE WATER

Dean—

You don’t think I want to find Dad as much as you do? [Sam: Yeah, I know you do, it’s just—] I’m the one that’s been with him every single day for the past two years while you’ve been off to college going to pep rallies. We will find Dad, but until then, we’re gonna kill everything bad between here and there, okay? (04:09)

Well, maybe you don’t think anyone will listen to you, or... or believe you. I want you to know that I will. (11:58)

You’re scared. It’s okay. I understand. See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom, and I was scared, too. I didn’t feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom—I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that everyday. And I do my best to be brave. (20:14)

What if we missed something? What if more people get hurt? [Sam: But why would you think that?] Because Lucas was really scared. [That’s what this is about?] I just don’t want to leave town until I know the kid’s okay. (29:48)

Sam—

People don’t just disappear, Dean. Other people just stop looking for them. (03:51)

4. PHANTOM TRAVELER

Dean—

It’s your job to keep my ass alive, so I need you sharp. (05:18)

Sam—

[Dean: It’s your job to keep my ass alive, so I need you sharp.] (05:18)

[Jerry: Well, he was real proud of you, I could tell. You know, he talked about you all the time.] He did? (07:09)

Hey, hey, it’s just a little turbulence. [Sam, this place is going to crash, okay? So quit treating me like I’m friggin’ 4.] You need to calm down. [Well, I’m sorry, I can’t!] Yes, you can. [Dude. Stow the touchy-feely, self-help yoga crap. It’s not helping.] Listen, if you’re panicked, you’re wide open to demonic possession, so you need to calm yourself down right now. (30:26)

5. BLOODY MARY

Dean—

Do I look like Paris Hilton? (18:08)

Her boyfriend killing himself, that’s not really Charlie’s fault. (29:54)

Now listen to me. It wasn’t your fault. It you want to blame something, then blame the thing that killed her. Or, hell, why don’t you take a swing at me? I’m the one that dragged you away from her. [Sam: I don’t blame you.] Well, you shouldn’t blame yourself, because there’s nothing you could’ve done. (31:24)

Sam—

[Dean: Hell, why don’t you take a swing at me? I’m the one that dragged you away from her.] I don’t blame you. (31:37)

Charlie. Your boyfriend’s death, you really should try to forgive yourself. No matter what you did, you probably couldn’t have stopped it. Sometimes bad things just happen. (40:37)

6. SKIN

Dean—

He’s sure got issues with you. You got to go to college. He had to stay home. I mean, I had to stay home with Dad. You don’t think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me. See, deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends, you could have a life. Me? I know I’m a freak. And sooner or later, everybody’s gonna leave me. [Sam: What are you talking about?] You left. Hell, I did everything Dad asked me to, and he ditched me, too. (24:21)

Sam—

[Rebecca: It must be lonely.] Oh, no. No, it’s not so bad. Anyway, what can I do? It’s my family. (39:02)

Misc—

Shifter: Evolution is about mutation, right? So maybe this thing was born human, but was different. Hideous and hated. Until he learned to become someone else. (27:14)

7. HOOK MAN

Dean—

I told you, you don’t have to be a college graduate to be a genius. (14:59)

[Sam: Hey, be quiet.] Me be quiet? You be quiet! (19:48)

Sam—

[Dean: You’ve been holding out on me. This college thing is awesome!] This wasn’t really my experience. [Let me guess—library, studying, straight A’s. What a geek.] (21:30)

8. BUGS

Dean—

Growing up in a place like this would freak me out. [Sam: Why?] The manicured lawns, how-was-your-day-honey? I’d blow my brains out. [There’s nothing wrong with normal.] I’d take our family over normal any day. (08:21)

[Sam: You’ll be able to get out of that house and away from your dad.] What kind of advice is that? Kid should stick with his family. (20:26)

Hey, so with that kid back there, how could you tell him to just ditch his family like that? [Sam: Just, uh, I know what the kid’s going through.] How about telling him to respect his old man? How’s that for advice? (23:20)

Matt, under no circumstances are you to tell the truth. He’ll just think you’re nuts. Tell him you have a sharp pain in your right side and you gotta go to the hospital, okay? [Matt: Yeah, okay.] Make him listen? What are you thinking? (32:44)

Sam—

Remind you of somebody? Dad? [Dean: Dad never treated us like that.] Well, Dad never treated you like that. You were perfect. He was all over my case. ...You don’t remember. [Dean: Well, maybe he had to raise his voice but sometimes you were out of line.] Right. Right, like when I said I’d rather play soccer than learn bowhunting. (11:46)

[Matt: Larry doesn’t listen to me.] Why not? [Mostly? He’s too disappointed in his freak son.] I hear ya. [Dean: You do?] Matt, how old are you? [Matt: Sixteen.] Well, don’t sweat it, ‘cause in two years something great’s gonna happen. [What?] College. You’ll be able to get out of that house and away from your dad. (20:04)

[Dean: Hey, so with that kid back there, how could you tell him to just ditch his family like that?] Just, uh, I know what the kid’s going through. [How about telling him to respect his old man? How’s that for advice?] Dean, come on. This isn’t about his old man. You think I didn’t respect Dad, that’s what this is about. [Just forget it, alright? Sorry I brought it up.] I respected him. But no matter what I did, it was never good enough. [So what are you saying, that Dad was disappointed in you?] Was? Is! Always has been. [Why would you think that?] Because I didn’t wanna bowhunt or hustle pool, because I wanted to go to school and live my life, which to our whacked-out family, made me the freak. (23:20)

Dean, you know what most dads are when their kids score a full-ride? Proud. Most dads don’t toss their kids out of the house. [Dean: I remember that fight. In fact, I seem to recall a few choice phrases coming out of your mouth.] You know, truth is, when we finally do find Dad, I don’t know if he’s even gonna wanna see me. (24:05)

9. HOME

Dean—

And then you tell me that I’ve got to go back home, especially when... [Sam: When what?] When I swore to myself that I would never go back there. (07:56)

I remember the fire, the heat. Then I carried you out the front door. [Sam: You did?] Yeah, well, you never knew that? [No.] (12:38)

I don’t know what to do. So, whatever you’re doing. if you could get here... please. I need your help, Dad. (14:45)

Sam—

[Dean: I remember the fire, the heat. Then I carried you out the front door.] You did? [Yeah, well, you never knew that?] No. (12:38)

Misc—

Missouri: All those years ago, real evil came to you. It walked this house. That kind of evil leaves wounds, and sometimes wounds get infected. (27:15)

10. ASYLUM

Dean—

[Sam: This is a job. Dad wants us to work a job.] Yeah, well, maybe we’ll meet up with him. Maybe he’s there. [Maybe he’s not. I mean, he could be sending us there by ourselves to hunt this thing.] Who cares? If he wants us there, it’s good enough for me. [This doesn’t strike you as weird? The texting, the coordinates?] Sam. Dad’s telling us to go somewhere. We’re going. (07:05)

[Sam: We deserve some answers. I mean, this is our family we’re talking about.] I understand that, Sam, but he’s given us an order. [So what, we gotta always follow Dad’s order?] Of course we do. (12:17)

[Sam: I mean, why are we even here? ‘Cause you’re following Dad’s orders like a good little soldier? ‘Cause you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval?] (36:52)

Sam—

[Dean: We’ve got to burn Ellicott’s bones, and all this will be over, and you’ll be back to normal.] I am normal. I’m just telling you the truth for the first time. I mean, why are we even here? ‘Cause you’re following Dad’s orders like a good little soldier? ‘Cause you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval? [This isn’t you talking.] That’s the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I’m not pathetic like you. [So what are you gonna do? You gonna kill me?] You know, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. (36:43)

11. SCARECROW

Dean— 

[Sam: I don’t understand the blind faith you have in the man. I mean, it’s like you don’t even question him.] Yeah, it’s called being a good son. You’re a selfish bastard, you know that? You just do whatever you want. You don’t care what anyone thinks. (08:08)

[Sam: You know, if you’re hinting you need my help, just ask.] I’m not hinting anything. Actually, uh... I want you to know... I mean, don’t think... [Yeah. I’m sorry, too.] Sam.... You were right. You got to do your own thing. You got to live your own life. [You serious?] You’ve always known what you want, and you go after it. You stand up to Dad. I mean, you always have. Hell, I wish I.... Anyway. I admire that about you. I’m proud of you, Sammy. [I don’t even know what to say.] Say you’ll take care of yourself. (25:04)

Sam—

[Dean: Dad doesn’t want our help.] I don’t care. [He’s given us an order.] I don’t care. We don’t always have to do what he says. [Sam, Dad is asking us to work jobs, to save lives. It’s important.] Alright, I understand. Believe me, I understand. But I’m talking one week here, man, to get answers. To get revenge. [Alright, look, I know how you feel.] Do you? How old were you when Mom died, 4? Jess died six months ago. How the hell would you know how I feel? (07:25)

[Meg: I had to get away from my family.] Why? [I love my parents. And they wanted what’s best for me. They just didn’t care if I wanted it. I was supposed to be smart, but not smart enough to scare away a husband. Well, it’s just.... Because my family said so, I’m supposed to sit there and do what I was told. So I just went on my own way instead. ...I’m sorry. The things you say to people you hardly know.] No, no, it’s okay. I know how you feel. Remember that brother I mentioned before that I was road-tripping with? It’s kind of the same deal. [And that’s why you’re not riding with him anymore? ...Here’s to us. The food might be bad, and the beds might be hard, but at least we’re living our own lives and nobody else’s.] (21:11)

[Med: You’re running back to your brother? The guy you ran away from? Why, because he won’t pick up his phone? Sam, come with me to California.] I can’t. I’m sorry. [Why not?] He’s my family. (31:13)

12. FAITH

Dean—

Looks like you’re gonna leave town without me. [Sam: What are you talking about? I’m not gonna leave you here.] You better take care of that car. I swear I’ll haunt your ass. [I don’t think that’s funny.] Oh, come on, it’s a little funny. (04:44)

[Sam: Maybe it’s time to have a little faith, Dean.] You know what I got faith in? Reality—knowing what’s really going on. [How can you be a skeptic, with the things we see every day?] Exactly, we see them. We know they’re real. [But if you know evil’s out there, how can you not believe good’s out there too?] ‘Cause I’ve seen what evil does to good people. (08:10)

[Roy: I looked into your heart and you just...stood out from all the rest.] What did you see in my heart? [A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn’t finished.] (15:27)

You never should’ve brought me here. [Sam: Dean, I was just trying to save your life.] Sam, some guy is dead now because of me. (19:30)

The guy is playing God, deciding who lives and dies. That’s a monster in my book. (22:42)

[Layla: I wish you luck. I really do.] Same to you. You deserve it a lot more than me. (30:38)

[Sam: To cross a line like that, that preacher’s wife—black magic, murder. Evil.] Desperate. Her husband was dying. She would’ve done anything to save him. (31:35)

God save us from half the people who think they’re doing God’s work. (32:04)

[Sam: What’s happening to her is horrible. But what are you gonna do? Let somebody else die to save her? You said it yourself, Dean—you can’t play God.] (32:58)

Must be rough, to believe in something so much and have it disappoint you like that. (40:57)

You know, I’m not much of the praying type, but I’m gonna pray for you. [Layla: Well. There’s a miracle right there.] (42:00)

Sam—

[Dean: I’m gonna die. And you can’t stop it.] Watch me. (05:23)

[Dean: You’re not gonna let me die in peace, are you?] I’m not gonna let you die, period. (07:04)

How can you be a skeptic, with the things we see everyday? [Dean: Exactly, we see them. We know they’re real.] If you know evil’s out there, how can you not believe good’s out there too? (08:18)

[The guy is playing God, deciding who lives and dies. That’s a monster in my book.] No, we’re not gonna kill a human being, Dean. We do that, we’re no better than he is. (22:42)

Misc—

Layla: I guess if you’re gonna have faith, you can’t just have it when the miracles happen. You have to have it when they don’t. (41:19)

13. ROUTE 666

Dean—

[Sam: Look man, everybody’s got to open up to someone sometime.] Yeah, I don’t. It was stupid to get that close. (13:06)

[Cassie: Whenever we get—what’s the word?—close? Anywhere in the neighborhood of emotional vulnerability, you back off or make some joke or find any way to shut the door on me.] (15:19)

Sam—

You told her. You told her the secret. Our big family rule number one—we do what we do and we shut up about it. For a year and a half, I do nothing but lie to Jessica, and you go out with this chick in Ohio a couple of times, and you tell her everything? (04:18)

Oh, my life was so simple. Just school, exams, papers on polycentric cultural norms. [Dean: So I guess I saved you from a boring existence.] Occasionally I miss boring. [So, this killer truck—] I miss conversations that didn’t start with “this killer truck.” (29:31)

Ever make you wonder if it’s worth it? Putting everything on hold, doing what we do? (39:10)

14. NIGHTMARE

Dean—

[Sam: Well, with what he went through, the beatings, to want revenge on those people—I’m sorry, man. I hate to say it, but it’s not that insane.] Yeah, but it doesn’t justify murdering your entire family. [Dean—] He’s no different than anything else we’ve hunted. Alright? We gotta end him. [We’re not gonna kill Max.] Then what? Hand him over to the cops and say, “Lock him up, officer. He kills people with the power of his mind.” [Forget it. No way, man.] Sam— [Dean, he’s a person. We can talk to him. Hey, promise me you’ll follow my lead on this one.] Alright, fine. But I’m not letting him hurt anybody else. (25:01)

[Sam: We’re lucky we had Dad.] I never thought I’d hear you say that. [Well, it could have gone a whole ‘nother way after Mom. A little more tequila, a little less demon hunting, then we would have had Max’s childhood. All things considered, we turned out okay. Thanks to him.] All things considered. (38:27)

As long as I’m around, nothing bad’s gonna happen to you. (41:27)

Sam—

Well, I know one thing I have in common with these people. [Dean: What’s that?] Both our families are cursed. [Our family’s not cursed. We’ve just... had our dark spots.] Our dark spots are pretty dark. (19:13)

I was connecting to Max. The thing I don’t get it why, man. I guess because we’re so alike? [Dean: What are you talking about? Dude’s nothing like you.] Well, we both have psychic abilities. We’re both— [Both what? Sam, Max is a monster. He’s already killed two people, now he’s gunning for a third.] Well, with what he went through, the beatings, to want revenge on those people—I’m sorry, man. I hate to say it, but it’s not that insane. (24:43)

If I just said something else, gotten through to him somehow. [Dean: Don’t do that.] Do what? [Torture yourself. It wouldn’t have mattered what you said. Max was too far gone.] When I think about how he looked at me, man, right before.... I should have done something. [Come on, man, you risked your life. I mean, yeah, maybe if we’d have gotten there 20 years earlier.] Well, I’ll tell you one thing. We’re lucky we had Dad. [I never thought I’d hear you say that.] Well, it could have gone a whole ‘nother way after Mom. A little more tequila, a little less demon hunting, then we would have had Max’s childhood. All things considered, we turned out okay. Thanks to him. (38:03)

15. THE BENDERS

Dean—

Look... he’s family. And I kind of—I kind of look out for the kid. You gotta let me go with you. [Kathleen: I’m sorry, I can’t do that.] Well, tell me something. Your country has its fair share of missing persons. Any of ‘em come back? Sam’s my responsibility, and he’s coming back. I’m bringing him back. (08:56)

When we were young, I pretty much pulled him from a fire. And ever since then, I’ve felt responsible for him. You know, like it’s my job to keep him safe. I’m just afraid if we don’t find him fast.... Please. He’s my family. (15:04)

Demons, I get. People are crazy. (28:08)

If you hurt my brother, I’ll kill you, I swear. I’ll kill you all. I will kill you all! (35:54)

16. SHADOW

Dean— 

[Sam: What are you gonna do when it’s all over?] It’s never gonna be over. There’s gonna be others. There’s always gonna be something to hunt. [But there’s got to be something that you want for yourself.] Yeah, I don’t want you to leave the second this thing’s over, Sam. [Dude. What’s your problem?] Why do you think I drag you everywhere, huh? Why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place? [’Cause Dad was in trouble. ‘Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom.] Yes, that, but it’s more than that, man. You and me and Dad. I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again. [Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before.] They could be. (24:04)

Sam— 

What if this whole thing was over tonight? Man, I’d sleep for a month. Go back to school, just be a person again. (23:42)

Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before. [Dean: They could be.] I don’t want them to be. I’m not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you’re gonna have to let me go my own way. (25:02)

Misc—

[Sam: Go to hell.] Meg: Baby, I’m already there. (30:22)

17. HELL HOUSE

Dean—

People believe in Santa Clause. How come I’m not getting hooked up every Christmas? [Sam: ‘Cause you’re a bad person.] (27:01)

Sam—

Man, we’re not kids anymore, Dean. We’re not gonna start that crap up again. [Dean: Start what up?] That prank stuff. It’s stupid, and it always escalates. (04:24)

Kind of makes you wonder—of all the things we hunted, how many existed just ‘cause people believed in them? (37:17)

18. SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

Dean—

[Sam: What makes you so sure?] Well, because I’m the oldest, which means I’m always right. [No it doesn’t.] It totally does. (03:38)

Listen to me. I can promise you that this is not your fault, okay? [Michael: It’s my job to look after him.] (20:53)

I know how you feel, I’m a big brother, too. But you got to go easy on your mom right now, okay? (21:24)

Dad did not send me here to walk away. [Sam: Send you here? He didn’t send you here, he sent us here.] This isn’t about you, Sam, alright? I’m the one that screwed up. It’s my fault. There’s no telling how many kids have gotten hurt because of me. (25:35)

Dad never spoke about it again. I didn’t ask. But he, uh... he looked at me different, you know, which was worse. Not that I blame him. He gave me an order, and I didn’t listen, and I almost got you killed. [Sam: You were just a kid.] Don’t—don’t. Dad knew this was unfinished business for me. He sent me here to finish it. (29:26)

Are you sure you want to do this? You don’t have to. It’s okay, I won’t be mad. (33:57)

[Sam: Sometimes I wish that...] What? [I wish I could have that kind of innocence.] If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could, too. (40:05)

Sam—

Dean, I’m sorry. [Dean: For what?] You know. I’ve really given you a lot of crap for always following Dad’s orders, but I know why you do it. (34:39)

Sometimes I wish that... [Dean: What?] I wish I could have that kind of innocence. [If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could, too.] (40:05)

19. PROVENANCE

Dean— 

I’m sure that this is about Jessica, right? Now, I don’t know what it’s like to lose somebody like that, but... I would think that she would want you to be happy. God forbid have fun once in a while. (20:47)

Sam—

I had a girlfriend. And she died. And my mom died, too. I don’t know, it’s like... it’s like I’m cursed or something. Like death just follows me around. Look, I’m not scared of much, but if I let myself have feelings for anybody— [Sarah: You’re scared they get hurt, too.] (30:39)

Misc—

Sarah: I know, losing somebody you love—it’s terrible. You shut yourself off. Believe me, I know. But when you shut out pain, you shut out everything else, too. (31:27)

20. DEAD MAN’S BLOOD

Dean—

He does what he does for a reason. [Sam: What reason?] Our job. There’s no time to argue. There’s no margin for error, alright? It’s just the way the old man runs things. [Yeah, well, maybe that worked when we were kids, but not anymore, alright? Not after everything you and I have been through, Dean. I mean, are you telling me you’re cool with just falling into line and letting him run the whole show?] If that’s what it takes. (14:51)

Sam—

I’m happy he’s okay, alright? I’m happy that we’re all working together. [Dean: Good.] It’s just the way he treats us like children. [Oh, God.] He barks orders at us, Dean. He expects us to follow him without question. He keeps us on some crap need-to-know deal. [He does what he does for a reason.] What reason? [Our job. There’s no time to argue. There’s no margin for error, alright? It’s just the way the old man runs things.] Yeah, well, maybe that worked when we were kids, but not anymore, alright? Not after everything you and I have been through, Dean. I mean, are you telling me you’re cool with just falling into line and letting him run the whole show? (14:51)

[John: You left. Your brother and me, we needed you. You walked away, Sam. You walked away!] You’re the one who said “Don’t come back,” Dad. You’re the one who closed that door, not me! You were just pissed off that you couldn’t control me anymore! (19:27)

[John: Sammy, it never occurred to me what you wanted. I just couldn’t accept the fact that you and me, we’re just different.] We’re not different. Not anymore. With what happened to Mom and Jess, we probably have a lot more in common than just about anyone. (29:20)

Misc—

John: This is never the life that I wanted for you. [Sam: Then why’d you get so mad when I left?] You got to understand something. After your mother passed, all I saw was evil, everywhere. And all I cared about was keeping you boys alive. I wanted you prepared, ready. So somewhere along the line, I stopped being your father. I became your drill sergeant. So when you said that you wanted to go away to school, all I could think about, my only thought was that you were gonna be alone, vulnerable. (28:21)

21. SALVATION

Dean—

For the last time, what happened to them is not your fault. [Sam: Yeah, you’re right, it’s not my fault, but it’s my problem!] No, it’s not your problem, it’s our problem! (05:42)

You’re just willing to sacrifice yourself, is that it? [Sam: Yeah. Yeah, you’re damn right I am.] Yeah, well, that’s not gonna happen—not as long as I’m around. [What the hell are you talking about, Dean? We’ve been searching for this demon our whole lives. It’s the only thing we’ve ever cared abut.] Sam, I want to waste it, I do, okay? But it’s not worth dying over. [What?] I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damn thing. [That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom,] You said yourself once that no matter what we do, they’re gone. And they’re never coming back. [Don’t you say that! Don’t you—not after all this, don’t you say that.] Sam, look. The three of us, that’s all we have. And it’s all I have. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding it together, man. Without you or Dad.... (37:51)

Sam—

So Mom’s death, Jessica—it’s all because of me? [Dean: We don’t know that, Sam.] Oh really? ‘Cause I’d say we’re pretty damn sure, Dean! [For the last time, what happened to them is not your fault.] Yeah, you’re right, it’s not my fault, but it’s my problem! (05:34)

Misc—

John: I want to stop losing people we love. I want you to go to school. I want Dean to have a home. I want Mary alive. I just want this to be over. (21:10)

22. DEVIL’S TRAP

Dean—

You know that guy I shot? There was a person in there. [Sam: You didn’t have a choice, Dean.] I know. That’s not what bothers me. [Then what does?] Killing that guy, killing Meg... I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even flinch. For you or Dad, the things I’m willing to do or kill, it’s just... it scares me sometimes. [Azazel!John: It shouldn’t. You did good.] You’re not mad? [For what?] Using a bullet. [Mad? I’m proud of you. You know, Sam and I, we can get pretty obsessed. But you, you watch out for this family. You always have.] (29:41)

Listen, you mind just getting this over with, huh? ‘Cause I really can’t stand the monologuing. [Azazel: Funny, but that’s all part of your M.O., isn’t it? Mask all that nasty pain, mask the truth.] Oh yeah? What’s that? [You know, you fight and you fight for this family, but the truth is, they don’t need you. Not like you need them. Sam—he’s clearly John’s favorite. Even when they fight, it’s more concern than he’s ever shown you.] (36:52)

Sam—

[Dean: Well, you and Dad are a lot more alike than I thought, you know that? You both can’t wait to sacrifice yourself for this thing. But you know what? I’m gonna be the one to bury you. You’re selfish, you know that? You don’t care about anything but revenge.] (19:24)

Misc—

Azazel: He’s gonna tear you apart. He’s gonna taste the iron in your blood. [Dean: Let him go, or I swear to God—] What? What are you and God gonna do? (35:09)

[ianenjoyer]

worst shameless storylines ranked? personally despise the whole who’s gonna top thing with trevor and ian. like, if it’s that important?? just fuck other people? but also fiona being a landlord and cop carl takes the cake

*rubs my evil little hands together* finally more opportunities to talk about my opinions

this is non-comprehensive bc i don’t remember every single awful thing that’s happened on this show (and i blocked out so many) but here’s the ones that stick in my brain

under the cut bc i kinda went off

1. gay jesus

i just ??? hate it so much??? listen, i think this storyline started off relatively okay, if you ignore the cringey dialogue. like ian trying to help kids like him (and mickey) and save them from conversion therapy and other terrible things? okay sounds good, sounds consistent to ian’s character i’m fine with it. but the execution??? 🤢 i hate it so much. it comes off much more like they’re mocking the cause instead of promoting it. and on top of that, apparently ian was supposed to be manic the whole time but, again, the exposition was just terrible and they didn’t really indicate that this was supposed to be ian spiraling as opposed to him just going a little too far. honestly the whole thing is a disservice to ian’s character and everything that he’d been through in the previous 7 seasons

2. fionas landlord stuff

fionas switch from a kind, hardworking person trying to provide for her family to a bloodsucking parasite (also known as a landlord) is appalling. not the fact that she tried to better herself and her situation, but the fact that she constantly put down families like her own and the fact that it was framed like a good thing. like it’s fine to seek out a better life for yourself obviously but i wish she found a way to do it without becoming a capitalist who leeches off other people

3. the weird voting storyline + anytime they try to do political commentary

😐 i’m just repeating myself at this point but shameless’ switch from a gritty family drama that shows the realities of living in poverty and dealing with problems such as alcoholism, mental illness, and inter-generational trauma to a satirical ‘comedy’ that pokes fun at anything and everything is the worst turn i’ve ever seen a show take. honestly i don’t remember much about this except that frank got some creep in office and recruited a bunch of nazis to help him, and that fiona was gonna vote for some pro-capitalism weirdo bc she didn’t want rent-control on her apartment bc she hates poor people apparently

4. carl becoming a cop

i mean we haven’t even seen this yet but skdhdijsj it’s going on here anyways. honestly carl’s whole coming-of-age storyline is just bad. i’m not gonna just repeat myself but i talked about that here. basically it boils down to the show being tone-deaf and trying to do political commentary on things they know nothing about. honestly the last thing we need right now is rich white people in hollywood acting like they understand what it’s like to live in poverty, or live as a person of color, or an lgbt person, in america right now

5. mickeys send off + ian’s other love interests

so what we’ve learned is that shameless doesn’t know how to write off characters without butchering them and then expecting us to instantly forget about them. i understand that noel left the show, so i know they had to write him off, but they didn’t have to be as brutal to his character as they were.

i’m in the minority with this opinion (i think) but the first time i watched the show i wasn’t fully against ian dating somebody else, mostly bc i knew they ended up together. i mean, it is realistic that ian wouldn’t date the same person from the time he was 15, and especially after mickey went to jail it objectively makes sense that he would try to move on. but god the execution of this was terrible. they were just so obviously trying to butcher mickeys character (with caleb) , or replace him (with trevor) instead of, you know, providing us with a believable love interest for an otherwise well-liked, interesting character. i won’t talk too much about s6 but feel free to anon me if you want to hear more of my thoughts bc i have a few

6. anything with frank

i just don’t care about him. i skip every single one of his scenes when i rewatch the show unless he’s interacting with the rest of the family. he’s boring, and i think he’s overstayed his welcome. and yes i know he’s the main character but consider this: i hate him. he exists purely to engage in stupid storylines and say awful things and i want him gone. the fact that he’s still on the show and fiona isn’t is a hate crime towards me specifically smxhdjs. no hate to the actor but :/ there’s literally no use for frank on the show anymore, and there hasn’t been since they moved away from having a central-family storyline with him acting like a thorn in his children’s sides instead of whatever he is now

7. fionas love interests

i think that, kinda similar to ian, they didn’t really know what to do with with fiona’s love life after jimmysteve left. her love interests ranged from okay (mike cup supremacy!) to just boring and awful (ford, gus, sean). it’s just such a disservice to such an amazing character to reduce her to stories with boring love interests over and over again.

8. most of v and kev’s storylines in later seasons

this one makes me sad bc i love v and kev so much but... their storylines just aren’t it anymore. they’re dumb and comic-reliefy and a disservice (i’m using that word a lot wow) to two really amazing characters. they often reduce kev to ‘big, lumbering dumb-dumb’ and v to ‘sexy, sassy black girl’ and it’s just very Not Good, especially considering how interesting and multi-dimensional their characters were in early seasons.

9. karen’s send off

this is so fucking infuriating to me, especially knowing why the actress left the show. trust me i’m not saying karen is perfect or that she didn’t do terrible (sometimes unforgivable) things, but the fact that the send off for a character who was super important to the show for a good amount of seasons amounted to “she has permanent brain damage and lives with a 40 year old man and a baby she didn’t want” is such a huge disservice, both to the character and the actress

10. sammi

i don’t even want to talk about her or how obnoxious she is but i want it to be known that i hate her and that she sucks. she brought basically nothing to the show and i feel like she existed purely just to make me mad.

11. anything debbie did past like. season 3

she’s just so annoying. like with this show i usually don’t hate characters for doing morally gray things bc that’s very much the nature of the show but debbie just consistently used people over and over again while showing no remorse about it. derek (i still can’t believe what she did to him), neil, dereks wife etc. she’s just not a good person, and on top of that she’s not even entertaining to watch so like??? go away. also the fact that’s she’s dating sandy and i’m not is so rude :/

12. that one time sheila said the r-slur like 47 times 

i just remembered this so i’m putting it on here. also this is the only one from an earlier season, which just proves that the shows been tone-deaf about a lot of things the whole time, and that it’s only gotten worse as years went on. i just want to make it clear that when i say i like this show that comes with many many caveats and that this definitely isn’t a show anybody should be watching un-critically

[tr4shmouth-tozi3r]

‘are you sure?’ - stanley uris x reader

requested: yes and it took me a bit to get this out cause I legit suck sorry guys lol, but I honestly loved writing this one its adorable🥺

summary: It’s finally Senior year, the last year all of the losers would spend together completely before they all went off to college. Stan and y/n had made a pact as young kids, that throughout the years if they hadn’t had their first kiss and so on, they would be each other’s first for everything. Now at the age of 12 or so, they don’t really fully realize what that entails, but once they hit 14 and share their first kiss, then 15 and it was their first date, then 16 and it was their first hickey, and so forth they start to realize there’s a first that they hadn’t talked about and by this time around they’ve finally found themselves together in a comitted relationship. Their first relationship. Now, it was time to go farther than they ever had, they both wanted it, but who would speak up first? There’s only one night left before they all go their separate ways and one night can change everything.

pairing: stanley uris x reader

warning: super fluff, smut, swearing.

-

August 29th, 1994

“I can’t believe we all leave tomorrow.” Eddie’s voice spoke solemnly and he let out a sad sigh following his words. All of his friends looked at him with sad smiles and nodded in agreement.

“Eds, I just want you to know, I’ll still keep in touch,” Eddie smiled briefly at Richie’s kind words, but instantly a frown took over his features when the taller boy kept speaking, “I mean, how could a step father ever abandon his step child?”

“Rich, shut the fuck up.” y/n laughed and spoke loudly in Richie’s direction as she lifted her head out of her boyfriend, Stan’s lap who was already rolling his eyes at Richie.

“Hey, it’s true.” Richie smirked at Eddie as he spoke to y/n.

“Can you guys just address it already before you leave and regret it, we put up with your suppressed feelings for years. That shit was stressful.” Mike laughed as Richie’s face flushed and y/n felt the fits of laughter vibrate in her boyfriend’s belly against her head. She looked up at him, a genuinely happy smile adorning her face. She loved Stanley Uris with all her heart and leaving for college and leaving the place where she met some of the most important people to her, was weighing down on her heavy in that moment.

She tuned out the bickering that began to ensue around her and she looked up at him, thinking back to when they were 12.

-

July 7th, 1988

“Let’s make a deal, everyone has a first for almost everything, right? How about if we haven’t had our first kiss and so on, we’ll promise to be each other’s?” Stan blushed at his own statement. He wondered if he was being too forward or too obvious. He had a crush on y/n since they were about 8 or 9 years old and he never thought she would ever feel the same. Boy, was he wrong.

“You got yourself a deal, Stanley.” y/n smiled, a blush creeping onto her face as well.

“W-Wait, really?” He was flustered and she laughed.

“Of course.”

-

July 13th, 1990

It was Stan’s birthday and he was 14 today. You had been 14 for a few months now. You still remembered the pact you guys had made two years ago and you wondered if he did, too.

Ring, ring, ring.

The landline on your bedside table shook you from your thoughts and you answered and instantly smiled as you heard Stan’s voice on the other line, “I’m coming over, need to see my best friend on my birthday, right?”

“Of course, and I have a gift for you, better hurry up!” You hung up before he could speak and you mentally slapped yourself. What the fuck was that? I sounded so ridiculous. He’s gonna show up expecting a gift and what am I going to say? It’s my lips?

You sighed heavily, your cheeks turning bright red. Oh god, you were about to mess this up. You could feel it. He didn’t live very far either, so you didn’t have much time to figure this out.

You spent most of the time waiting for him, pacing back and forth in your room and feeling the way your palms were becoming ridiculously sweaty. Don’t get too worked up, relax!

“y/n, Stan’s here, he’s coming up!” Your mom called out from the bottom of the stairs and it felt like your stomach almost fell out of your ass, you were so nervous.

He walked in with a big smile on his face and enveloped you in a sweet hug, “Hey, so where’s this present? Is it another pair of binoculars? I totally don’t need another pair, but another wouldn’t hurt I guess.” He laughed and then noticed your jittery state and how nervous you looked. Before he could speak again, you began to ramble.

“Do—shit okay, do you remember, when w-we were 12 and we uh, we made that pact?” His confused expression disappeared instantly and he smirked at you.

“You remember? Holy shit, I was thinking about that all day, but figured I’d look like a weirdo bringing it up, but you remember...” He murmured sweetly, his eyes widening and the adoration on his face was clear.

“Well, yeah I remember...” you twiddled with your thumbs, “So, I mean, you haven’t had your first kiss have you?” Your eyes shot up and looked into his and he shook his head furiously.

“No, no no, have you?”

“No.”

“So—”

Before he could speak another word, you stepped forward and cupped his face in your hands and your lips pressed against his, in short and sweet kiss and you pulled back slightly just to catch a glimpse of his reaction. You wanted to make sure he was okay with this and judging from the way he leaned forward and pulled you back in and kissed you quite feverishly, he totally was.

-

You thought about how the year after that came your first date and the year after that things got a little more intense. It was your first hickey and his as well. That one, you swore up and down was unnecessary, but Stan was more than eager and you couldn’t lie, you wanted to know what it felt like. And god, did it feel good. Or maybe it felt as good as it did, because the boy you were in love since you were in 4th grade had his lips pressed so firmly to your neck. His tongue traced your skin so softly, sending shivers up your spine and when he nibbled on the nape of your neck you had let out an involuntary moan. This totally only feels this good when you’re in love. You always told yourself that.

After the hickey escapades your group of friends noticed and relentlessly teased the two of you. They teased you so often and so badly, that they basically drove the two of you into each other’s arms. You didn’t mind, though. You and Stan were both very stubborn and also very shy sometimes. Even when it was clear as day, right in front of you both, you and him chose to ignore it out of fear. And now that you think about it, fear of what? God, 16 is such a weird hormonal age. It was obvious there was something there, but you both would never say it unless the other would admit it and like I said, both of you were very stubborn. So, you would always say your friends brought you two together.

Now, here you were. You were 18 years old, ready to leave for college and leave this life behind and depart from your life long friends. Something was eating away at you, nagging in the back of your mind.

There was still a first that you and Stan had yet to share and you only had about 12 more hours left before that opportunity was out the window. You weren’t sure when you would see him or any of your other friends again, you wanted to make your last night with him memorable. You wanted it to count.

-

You hummed softly, shutting your eyes and wanting to take mental note of the way he smelled sweet like cinnamon and his breathe always tickled your neck in the same spot when you laid with him like this. You took note of the way his thumb would circle over your hip bone, slowly and sweetly. He held you against him like he never would again, but he always did that. He always savored every minute he had with you in his arms, but now he was really savoring it. You were going to try and make plans for Thanksgiving or Christmas, neither of you were too sure which one and if it would even be 100% possible, but you chose not to think about that right now. Right now, he was here with you and you still had about 10 hours before you would be parting ways.

Stan leaned back, pulling his head away from the crook of your neck and looked at you, “What are you thinking about, babe?” He propped his body up with his elbow and rested his head on his hand, his eyes studying your face.

“I...” You breathed out, suddenly feeling as nervous as you did the day that had kissed him for the first time, “I just... I feel like there’s something we should be doing before we leave. Something that I wanna share with you, another first... it’s been eating away at me for the passed couple of weeks. It’s silly, and you probably don’t want to so—”

“No, stop. Don’t say that, of course I want to. Whatever it is, I want to. I want to do everything with you, y/n.” Your heart soared at the way your boyfriend spoke to you. He was so sweet and he wasn’t even trying to be.

“I want to... I want to have sex with you. Tonight. Preferably right now.” You let your eyes wander across the ceiling as you spoke and you were preparing for the worst when you didn’t hear a single thing come out of Stan’s mouth. As you turned to face him, his lips were parted slightly and his eyes were wide with that same look of adoration he had in his eyes when you were 14 years old rambling on about how you wanted to kiss him.

“God, I’m so in love with you.” He kissed you quite fast and with a longing you couldn’t explain. He wanted to kiss you until you were stuck together and you could never leave each other, but he knew that was impossible. A guy can dream, right?

“Are you sure?” You searched his eyes for any sign of doubt and found nothing. All you saw was the way his eyes were dilated and lips quivered in excitement. The way that his cheeks were flushed and his hands were shakily tracing over your arms and your waist.

“Yes, why are you even asking? I’ve wanted this since last year, but I didn’t want to say anything and make it weird. Plus, I just felt like you weren’t ready and now you are. I knew if you wanted it as bad as I did, you would suck it up and say it first, so I waited, but god I’ve wanted it for a long time. I swear,” He pressed his lips to your jaw and trailed kisses down your neck. His touch softened and he became as gentle as you’ve ever experienced him to be. This was new. This felt different. He took care of you.

You had rolled your eyes at the fact that he admitted his fear of telling you he had wanted this, so he waited for you to speak up first. You were both shy sometimes, yes, but out of the two of you it was safe to say that you were the boldest. You said things when they needed to be said. You did things when they needed to be done. And this needed to be said and done.

You smiled at the way he undressed you slowly, taking his time with you. He was really really trying to savor this now. His eyes scanned over your half naked body, watching as you blushed and tried to cover yourself.

“Baby, stop. Don’t cover yourself, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I wanna remember what you look like right now. I wanna close my eyes on the drive out of here tomorrow, and picture this moment. How you opened up to me and gave me the privilege to share something so meaningful with you. Something so intimate. I wanna remember the night that you really became mine in a whole new way.” His words were soft and full of love and his eyes glistened in the light that illuminated your room. He was so damn gorgeous.

“I love you.” You leapt forward, kissing him so hard you were sure your lips were swollen already. He reached around you, unclasping your bra. His fingers barely touched your shoulders as he sluggishly pulled the bra off of your chest. Goosebumps rose across your skin and the cool air hit your chest. He trailed kisses down your chest and whispered sweet nothings to you the whole way, in between kisses.

You were breathing so heavily, you felt like everything was going to collapse around you. At this point, you were completely naked, legs spread and Stan in between them in just his underwear. He pressed against you, letting you know how hard he was and you hummed against his lips. You felt yourself getting wetter and wetter by the minute. You thought you were going explode.

“I really hate this part. It’s going to hurt a bit, before it feels good and I don’t want to hurt you.” He murmured sweetly and you smiled.

“This is a good hurt. I want this. I want to have this with you. If it makes you feel better, talk me through it, kinda turns me on anyway.” You giggled and he laughed at you, placing a kiss against your forehead.

“Good to know.” He whispered. By this time, he was completely naked as well and back in between your legs positioning himself and pausing for a moment. He held on to himself as he slowly pushed his head against your entrance, “If it hurts, just tell me to stop, okay baby?” He tangled his other hand in your hair and you breathed a shaky okay in response.

He pushed into you further and you gasped, the pain hitting you in small waves, but you didn’t want to stop. He locked eyes with you, “Does it hurt? I’ll stop baby.” You furiously shook your head and without thinking, you pushed your hips into him and he suddenly found himself pushed fully inside of you. You yelped slightly and he groaned.

“Babe, that was totally a bad move if you were in pain.” He breathed, revelling in how amazing it felt to be inside of you.

“Keep going.” You whispered as you wrapped your arms around his neck and locked your ankles around his waist, “Please...” You bit your lip and suddenly you were gasping as he slowly pulled back, sliding almost completely out of you and then thrusting back into you softly.

“Fuck...” He was breathing heavily against your skin as he buried his head into your neck. He began to kiss and lick all over the skin before him, biting and sucking sweetly on your neck, “I love you so much, I’ve loved you since we were kids. This is the best moment of my life.” He picked up his pace, noticing the pleasure beginning to course through you. Your eyes half lidded and your lips swollen and wet from you licking them. Your face was flushed and your forehead was covered with a small trail of sweat. He looked down at you, into your eyes and wrapped you up in his arms. You clung to him, moaning out his name as you felt him slide further into you.

“I love you, too. I love you so much, too.” You whimpered and he groaned at the way you spoke. You sounded so sexy to him, he loved it.

You could still feel the sting and you winced a bit at the way his hips met yours, “Shhh, it’s okay baby, I’ve got you.” He moaned, “I’ve got you, mmm.”

“Stan, oh my god,” You gasped as his hips came up again, this time a bit harder and a whole new pleasure flew throughout your body, “It doesn’t hurt anymore, go faster, please.” You moaned loudly this time and he threw his head back as he squeezed you tightly, doing as you asked.

“Like this?” Your eyes met as he thrusted in and out of you, at a fast steady pace. You felt your body buzz in ecstasy and he leaned forward engulfing your lips in a hot chaste kiss. Your tongues tangled together and your hands roamed every inch of each other’s bodies.

“Yes, yes.” You cried out in pleasure as he started thrusting harder.

“You’re so beautiful.” He moaned sweetly and you watched as he titled his head back and closed his eyes and in that moment you came undone.

Your legs shook and your ankles detached from around him, your body practically melting into the mattress beneath you, “I-I’m cumming.” You spoke in between breaths and he leaned into you, as you arched your body into him. Your stomach exploded and your walls tightened around him and you swore you saw stars.

“That’s it baby, cum for me.” His thrusts became sloppy and he murmured I love yous over and over again as he twitched inside of you, finally letting himself go and spilling into you. You rode out your orgasms together, tightly pressed against one another, as if you were becoming one person.

You held onto him as you both came down from your highs, savoring the moment of being wrapped up in each other. Feeling him pressed flush against your body, skin stuck to skin, hearts beating erratically against each others.

He pressed his forehead to yours and slid out of you, turning over and laying beside you, “That was the best first by far. You’re amazing.” He pulled you against him, kissing top of your head.

“It definitely was.” You smiled up at him, “I love you so much.”

“I love you so much, too y/n.”

-

Okay, I’m actually extremely pleased with how this turned out. This was beautiful:’)

I hope you guys liked it, and to the anon that requested it I hope it was worth the wait for you❤️

[lilulo-12fanfiction]

Heart Of The Matter

Heart of the Matter- Bucky Barnes x Reader

Requested by @darkness-in-bright with prompts:

46. “Are you decent?” “Not morally, but I am wearing pants, if that’s what you’re asking.

126. I really want to talk to you. And not through the door.

138. “You don’t get to say anything to me!”

So for the purposes of this story- Tony didn't die, Steve isn't an old man. End Game had a happier ending. Reader is Tony’s daughter...because we all know my sheer OBSESSION with Stark readers and OCs. She was about 15 at the time of the first Avengers movie so if I did my math right...With the End Game time jump she should be 27ish. If I’m wrong...pretend I’m not. This is like 7K words and I’m not even sorry. 😂

As always likes, comments and reblogs are SO APPRECIATED. Requests are open (Avengers, Supernatural, TVD/The Originals. I do dabble in some Green Arrow and The Flash (DC TV Only please). Prompt list can be found here. 

Please let me know if you would like to be added to this tag list or one of my others. 

Avengers Tag List: @shreddedparchment @fanfictionjunkie1112@this-is-mycrisis

Avengers Masterlist

As Tony Stark’s daughter, people treated you differently your whole life. You were always catered to, and you kind of hated it. It took you a long time to come to terms with the fact that you would never have a normal life. When you were 12, Tony was kidnapped. The video of him that the kidnappers sent still plagued your dreams to this day. When you finally got him back and he came out as Iron Man, that had made you give up your dream of having any normality; You were happy to let it go, you couldn’t have been more proud of your father.

Tony had always been in your life. At first it was minimal because your mother used you as a bargaining chip for money. Your mother had been a girl he met out and had a fling with. By the time you were 3, you were with him full time. When Tony had found out your mother was abusing prescription meds, he cleaned his life up and fought for you. He still had his fun, but taking care of you came first. Eventually she vanished from your life after a handful of supervised visits.

While Tony was busy saving the world, you were working on your studies. You attended a private a school to help keep you out of the lime light. You remembered hearing about Captain America from Agent Coulson and were excited to meet him when you found out he came out of the ice. You didn’t know your grandparents. He knew your grandfather. You wanted to learn about a different side of him. Phil had promised to arrange it, but then Loki and the Chitauri came for New York. You had been only 15 at the time. By some stroke of luck you had gone unharmed. You had been through a lot in your young life already, and watching Tony disappear through that hole in the sky had shaken you to your core. You had been in the tower and had run outside crying. Steve Rogers had caught you in his arms and held you tight while you broke down. He didn’t let you go until Tony opened his eyes. That day forged a bond with you and Steve. He became the big brother you had always needed.

Once things had settled down, you closed yourself off from everyone, including your father. Tony had to hire a tutor for you to continue your school work because you wouldn’t leave the tower. Tony has been distraught when he couldn’t reach you. It had been Steve that had broken through your walls after he moved in to The Avengers tower. He had let you guide him through all of the pop culture he didn’t understand and he earned your trust by treating you like you were his equal, not a kid. He didn’t try to get you to talk like Tony and Pepper did. He didn’t treat you like glass the way Happy and Rhodey did. He would tell you stories about when he was a kid and how he was trying to adjust after being gone for so long. Eventually, you slowly started opening up. You told him how you were certain that being Iron Man would take your father from you too soon but that he had to do it. The world needed heroes like him and Steve. You confessed your fears of being ill prepared for what was coming in the world. You couldn’t protect yourself, and the idea that you would be a distraction from other people being saved ate at you. Steve taught you how to defend yourself, you trained with him. Tony had been grateful that Steve had helped you and brought his brilliant and loving daughter back to life. Like Tony, you graduated high school far too early. At 16, went to Columbia University to get your degree in computer science and engineering, you also minored in Business. At age 20 you had a masters degree and you were helping Pepper with Stark Industries. Eventually it would be yours to take over. You also worked behind the scenes for The Avengers. Tony had been insistent that you never went into the field, but he didn't mind you working at the tower with Maria Hill.

The time of the Accords had been one of the worst times in your life. Watching Steve and Tony fracture down the middle. You saw both sides and cried when you told Steve you had to stand with your father. No matter what, you would never turn your back on Tony. The two of you were a team. Steve understood that more than you knew at the time. You had been shattered when you found out about Bucky being the one that murdered your grandparents and the fact that Steve had covered it up. Steve had told you so many stories about Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Your brain couldn’t reconcile the fun loving man and the Soldier that gave your grandparents such a violent end. Steve’s lie had hurt more than anything, yet part of you understood. You knew what Bucky meant to him. Bucky was his family and he would do anything to protect him. After all...there wasn't a thing in the world you wouldn't do to protect your father.

It had been you that convinced Tony that it wasn’t Bucky’s fault. You were a woman obsessed after Steve went on the run. You needed to understand. You had done extensive research into Hydra after everything that had happened. You needed to be able to separate The Winter Soldier from Bucky Barnes. You believed that Steve knew James Barnes best. He was rarely wrong. When you delved into the research into how they had programmed him, you felt instant regret for the rift between you and Steve. You begged Tony to find a way to forgive and move on. You had reached out to Steve a few times and met once. Steve had been hesitant, not because he didn’t trust you, but because he was afraid you would get hurt. You had to forgive him and in person and so he agreed. You spent two days with him and Sam in South America. It had been hard to leave them knowing you didn’t know if and when you would see them again. Tony knew you had seen Steve and made amends, he just wasn’t ready yet. Tony wanted to find your level of empathy, he just needed to work at it. Then Thanos happened and your world shattered again.

your father disappeared onto that space ship. Bruce has called Steve, Nat, Sam and Wanda for help. You had been a wreck when they walked back into the compound. Steve wanted you to stay behind but there was no way you were staying. At the very least you could help Shuri get the Infinity Stone from Vision. You ended up on the battlefield and watched everyone around you crumble into nothing. You were inconsolable until Carol Danvers rescued your father. When all seemed lost, you helped your father heal and settle down into a quiet life. He married Pepper and you finally had a sister.

After 5 years of despair, it was time to fight again. And while you got the world back. While the loss of Nat was nearly suffocating, you couldn't be more proud of her and her sacrifice. You had almost lost Tony when he snapped Thanos out of existence. He was never quite the same physically, but he happily accepted it to live in peace with his family knowing he had stopped the Mad Titan. It was his “one last mission” and he was lucky he made it back home.

You found anything but peace. You needed to do more than sitting behind a desk. After meeting Carol Danvers you realized that another Thanos could come your way and even if one didn’t, the world was in disarray again since the population had been restored. So, you joined the newly formed SHIELD. It was during this time you had gotten to know James Buchanan Barnes and he turned your world upside down. You found yourself getting lost in the blue of his eyes on more than one occasion. Goosebumps covered your skin any time his hands were on you during training. You had started looking forward to missions with just the two of you and then you started to realize he was like Steve. Steve Rogers acting as a over protective big brother was bad enough, you didn’t need his side kick jumping in on the mix. You thought that with all of the training you had done and how you continually proved yourself would be enough, clearly you were wrong. Bucky did whatever he could to block you out, keep you in the jet or back at the compound. You had finally had enough.

“No! You don't get to say anything to me right now." You were raging. Bucky had just gotten back from the mission that you were supposed to go on with him. He had again convinced Steve that he didn't need you. He botched the mission and almost got himself killed. He was trying to talk his way out of it and you didn’t want to hear it.

"Y/N, calm down." Bucky immediately regretted it. He saw the rage burn behind your eyes. Sam had his arms crossed in front of him, leaning against the counter of the common area kitchen enjoying the show. Bucky should have known better, you had quite the temper.

“Calm down?! God I am so sick of this! It’s because Tony is my father, isn’t it? It’s such bullshit! You needed me on that mission. I could have gotten in and out quickly and gotten all of the information off of their drives and you could have watched my back while I did it. Instead, YOU made a big "Winter Solider" splash, dropped way more bodies than necessary and didn't even get all of the information I need! These are huge drug smugglers and now they know we're after them. So now who's going to have to be smarter, work harder and get the info we need from behind the scenes? ME! NOT YOU." You took a deep breath and tried to reign in your temper. You pinched the bridge of your nose. "I don't need you to protect me. I'm not some helpless damsel. If I wasn't good enough to be in the field...Fury NEVER would have me given me the okay and Rhodey sure as hell would have put a stop to it if I wasn’t prepared. I get you're trying to gain points with my Father...because I know he doesn't want me here. But this time, your need to get on his good side fucked up this whole operation!" Naturally Steve walked in during the middle of your tirade wide eyed.

"I don't know if that language is necessary." Sam let out a low whistle, certain that your head was going to pop off your shoulders. He watched as you turned slowly and narrowed your eyes at Steve.

“Actually, Captain Rogers" the tone in your voice oozed sarcasm, "it's perfectly necessary. And you are JUST has bad as he is" you pointed over at Bucky. "You find any excuse to pull me off of missions and keep me in this tower like I'm frickin Rapunzel or something." You pushed past the two of them and stalked down the hall, slamming your door. The three men stood there quietly.

"Soooo...that went well." Sam finally quipped. Buck and Steve both glared at him. "Don't glare at me, she's not wrong. I love going on missions with her. She's smart and fast. She calculates every risk and doesn’t do anything unless absolutely necessary. She doesn't need you to protect her. I mean I get why you want to." He directed the last part of his comment to Bucky.

“What the hell does that mean pigeon." Bucky shot Sam another glare causing Steve to groan. He wasn’t in the mood for their bickering.

"Look...do I think you want to win bonus points with Papa Stark...sure. But not for the reason she thinks. You have feelings for her. You don't know exactly how to tell her or how to deal with it so you try to be her protector. She doesn’t need another man in her life trying to bubble wrap her. Tony and Rhodey have that covered. She wants to be your equal. She’s more than proven herself. And I’m not insulting you, it’s just an observation. We've been working together long enough for me to know you. I know your tells. I also see how you look at her when you think no one else is looking. Try talking to her...outside of missions. Maybe ask her out. Use some of that charm you have that Steve told us about." Sam shrugged and walked away.

Bucky swallowed uncomfortably as Steve turned his gaze towards him. Bucky wasn't sure how he would react and of course Sam had said something in front of him. Sam was right, he did have a thing for you. How could he not? You were so many things; funny, smart, empathetic, which he knew better than anyone. You were beautiful and had a smile that could light up the darkest of places. He even loved your temper. You had a passion and fire inside of you, God help anyone that got in your way.

“Look Steve, you know how amazing she is, how could I not want to be with her? She’s incredible. But I also know nothing can ever happen. I mean the age difference alone. I know how much she means to you. I’d never cross that line.” Steve smiled.

“I don’t think that we can really consider an age difference here when you, like me, spent so much time under ice. And then the fact that you were gone for 5 years. It’s not a normal situation. And yes, she does mean a lot to me. I’ve known her since she was a kid. I watched her grow up. But she isn’t a kid anymore. She’s a grown woman. It’s not up to me who she spends her time with. If I had to pick, you’d be at the top of the list. Buck- you’re not the man Hydra made you into anymore. You healed that part of yourself in Wakanda. You are a good man.”

“Tony won’t approve.” Steve smiled for a moment.

“You really think that would stop her?” Bucky laughed at that comment. But he absolutely thought Tony’s disapproval would put an end to anything he could have with you. “Tony forgave you. It took time but he moved past that. And if you end up being what makes her happy, he wouldn’t stand in the way of that. And she and Sam are right, she doesn’t need us to protect her. I’m equally guilty in trying to keep her out of the line of fire.” Steve clapped Bucky on the shoulder as he pondered what Steve and Sam has said and headed to talk to you.

***

You were pacing in your room trying to work out your anger when there was a knock at the door. You rolled your eyes. You knew who it was without any verification.

“Leave me alone Steve.” You heard him chuckle. He wouldn’t let anger stay between the two of you. You had made an agreement a long time ago to always work out your differences.

“C’mon Y/N- I really want to talk to you. And not through the door.“ You groaned and headed over to your door and yanked it open. Steve had his arms crossed and he was leaning against the doorway.

“What?”

“I’m sorry.” He sighed. “You’re right. I need to stop putting my personal feelings for you in front of the job we have to do. I think after everything that we’ve seen and been through I just want to know you’re always safe. Your father made it clear I was responsible for you. But it’s not fair to you.”

“Thanks Steve. I’m just so sick of being treated like I’m made of glass. I can handle myself. I know the risks.”

“I know. Your more than qualified to be in the field and I trust you more than about anyone. I promise to do better. And Bucky isn’t trying to earn points with Tony. I think he just thinks that the Stark family has been through enough. You’re the one that made it possible for him to be apart of this family. Your forgiveness and understanding led to Tony’s. Being here has allowed him to get back to the person he used to be. “

“Yeah well thanks to him I have a ton of work to do.” You felt your anger deflate like a balloon. “I better get to it.” You nodded over to your desk where two huge flat screen monitors sat.

“Alright, let me know if you need anything.” You nodded and watched him retreat down the hall before you shut your door.

Bucky Barnes was under your skin. He had been since the day you met him in Wakanda. You expected this hardened soldier but found a man with an easy smile and kind eyes. Whatever monster that had lived within him had been snuffed out. It had started when you’d notice that his gaze would linger on you just a little longer than necessary. Your heart would pound anytime he was in close proximity and you were certain he had the most beautiful eyes you had ever seen. But it would never progress past a few longing looks and mild flirting. Bucky Barnes was determined to stay on Tony Starks good side, certainly any sort of relationship with his daughter would be frowned upon. You sighed and sat down.

“Friday- run through the files Sergeant Barnes obtained. We then need to get into their servers and find out when the next deal is going to happen so we can stop them.”

“Right away Miss Stark.” It was going to be a very long night.

***

It had been a few days and you finally got a lead to where the drug ring might be next. You were running down to the gym where you knew Bucky was. You stopped when you saw it empty and stepped towards the locker room with trepidation.

“Barnes! “Are you decent?” You yelled into the doorway. You heard him laugh.

“Not morally, but I am wearing pants, if that’s what you’re asking.” you rolled your eyes and strolled in, your heels clacking on the floor. He had been more flirty than normal the past few days. It was knocking you off your guard. He shot you a grin when he saw you. True to his word, he was wearing pants and nothing else. His prosthetic arm was on the bench, and his impressive form was still damp from the shower. You didn’t realize you were staring until he cleared his throat. You felt the heat rush to your cheeks and you stepped forward looking at the still angry scars on shoulder where his arm used to be attached. He would normally be self conscious with someone staring at him the way you were, but he saw interest, not pity. He sucked his breath in when you ran your fingers over the scar. You quickly realized what you were doing and jumped back.

“Sorry - I, uh, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that.” You had a sheepish look on your face. “Just...does that bother you?” Your head was tilted to the side.

“Not since Wakanda. Shuri fixed me up. Now it doesn’t hurt to wear the arm.” You looked up at him.

“You sure? I used the 3D printer to print skin grafts for another agent”

“Of course you did.” You narrowed your eyes at him and pursed your lips. “It’s more cosmetic now, no physical pain. So unless you think I need plastic surgery.”

“Shut up. That’s not what I meant. I’ve just never seen you without your prosthetic. Scars make a person more interesting. I have plenty of my own.” He watched you shudder. He remembered the deep cuts to your back during the battle with Thanos. You had been running to protect Peter and one of Thanos’ soldiers had slashed your back a few times. He remembered your screams from being cleaned and stitched up vividly.

“So...do you need something or just here to ogle me?” He wiggled his eyesbrows at you and winked when he saw your face go red again.”

“You’re obnoxious.” He was enjoying your fluster. “You need to get your shit. You, Steve and Sam are headed to Chicago to try and bust the drug ring. I finally found a lead.”

“You’re not coming?” He was certain after the last time that it would be a cold day in hell before you missed this.

“Well unfortunately I still have my Stark Industries responsibilities. And in two days we have a fundraiser. Please let me remind you that you three are on the guest list and help the elite open their big fat checkbooks. Don’t get killed and make sure Sam doesn’t mess up his pretty face.”

“Of course Doll.” He watched your eyes narrow again. You gave him a quick second look before you strutted out of the locker room completely flustered again. His skin still almost tingled where you had touched him.

***

You looked around the ball room at the richest of the rich. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits, but you felt a cloud over you. Steve and company were successful in stopping the shipment and a few of the ring members, but the leader had eluded them again. They were capitalizing on people’s pain and desperation. It hadn’t been any easy transition back for many who were snapped away. They often turned to substances to drown their sorrows. Maybe it was because you had found out your mother had recently overdosed. You took it personally. You didn’t know the woman, she was a stranger, but she was still your mother.

“Well look at you.” You turned to see a beaming Tony with Pepper holding onto his good arm. The arm that had been touched by the infinity stones was covered by a black brace.

“Hi Daddy.” You smiled and hugged him.

“Hi darling. Morgan misses you. She insists you come visit next weekend.”

“I know. I’m a terrible sister, I’ve just been distracted.”

“You’ve been working too hard.”

“Gee, I wonder where she gets it from?” Pepper quipped and you let out a genuine laugh.

“Well you are your father’s daughter. I couldn’t be more proud.” Tony kissed your cheek. “We’re going to make some rounds. I’ll see you later.” You nodded. You were by yourself again for a few moments and then saw Steve’s smiling face approaching you.

“Hey kid.”

“Steven.” You smiled at him.

“Ready?” You nodded and he led you up to the podium. Steve greeted the crowd and then introduced you. No matter how many crowds you spoke in front of, you always got nervous. As you approached the podium you looked out to the crowd and caught Bucky’s eye. He gave a reassuring smile that took your breath away. At some point between his mission and now he had gotten his long hair cut into a style similar to what it was before the war. He looked stunning in his tux. You cleared your throat and adverted your eyes away from the Sergeant’s.

“Thank you all so much for coming. It’s a happy occasion that brings us all here tonight as we celebrate the one year anniversary that so many of you were returned to us. I would be remised if I didn’t acknowledge the struggle that so many across not only our nation, but the world, have experienced as they’ve tried to adjust back to normal life. With that in mind, and the reason why we invited you here tonight is to announce a new program through Stark Industries that will aim to help those in need get to normalcy. The Romanova Foundation is named for Natasha Romanoff. You had to pause as your voice cracked on Natasha’s name. ”If it weren’t for Natasha’s bravery and sacrifice, many of us would not be standing here tonight. So I ask you to open your hearts and your wallets to help those of us in need as Natasha would have. Thank you.” You stepped away from the podium quickly as the crowd roared with applause. Steve tried to grab your arm but you shrunk away and shook your head. You bit back tears as you rushed towards a door towards a private balcony, grabbing a bottle of champagne on your way.

***

Bucky watched as you made a quick exit. He was going to follow you when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He was surprised to see a smiling Tony.

“Sergeant. I was informed you had a semi successful mission yesterday, glad the three of you stopped that shipment. I also heard you got your ass ripped by my daughter last week for bumping her off a mission and then you made a huge mess of it.” Bucky swallowed hard. Tony must have read his anxiety and held his hands up. “No judgment here. I made plenty of messes myself. And I don’t envy anyone that catches her temper. It burns a little. She gets it from my side.” Tony shrugged. “You know she talks about you a lot.” Tony fired off his comments quickly.

“She does?”

“Yeah...I don’t think she realizes how much she does. She has Morgan conflicted between who her favorite Super Soldier is. You or Cap. Naturally her favorite Avenger is me. I gather you and my daughter work together a lot.”

“We do. Steve or I are usually with her.”

“To protect her?”

“Yes. She’s not a super soldier, though she thinks she is.” Tony snickered. “She’s not enhanced like Wanda. But she’s a huge asset. I don’t know what we would do without her. But some of these people we’re up against are enhanced, So Steve and I, we stick close to Y/N.”

“How close is close Barnes?” Bucky paled as Tony stared him down. After a moment he laughed and clapped Bucky on his shoulder.

“I’m messing with you. Rogers and I had a conversation. While he’s not usually the type to butt in, I think he’s trying to cut through the red tape. Look, the past is the past. After everything that happened, I don’t live there anymore. The only thing I care about is that my daughter is safe and happy. I’ve been assured that the man that they made you is gone for good. And that is good enough for me. I don’t know if you know this, but my daughter and Natasha got very close in the 5 years between Thanos annihilating half the planet and when we got everyone back. She and Nat worked tirelessly with Carol and company to watch the universe. Nat’s death was hard on all of us, but especially my daughter. Today is a hard day for her. If I know her as well as I think I do, she’s hiding outside on the far left balcony. Probably with a bottle of booze drowning her sorrows. Do me a favor...go and check on our girl.” It took Bucky a moment to react but he nodded his head and started walking towards the other side of the room before Tony yelled his name and he turned. Tony approached him again. “I may be out of commission, but just remember that I still have a suit and if you hurt my daughter there’s no serum in the world that can protect you.” With that, Tony turned on his heel and walked away.

***

You tried to hold back your tears. You knew today was going to be hard. You didn’t realize how hard until you started talking about Natasha. You took a long drink out of your bottle and looked out over the lights of the nearby city. You heard the door open behind you and exhaled.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” When you heard the door shut you thought you had been left alone but then you felt the cool metal of Bucky’s hand in your shoulder.

“You don’t have to talk. I just don’t want you to be alone feeling like this.” You nodded but didn’t turn, you couldn’t face him. So instead he stood behind you, his arms on each side of yours protectively caging you in. “Is it okay if I talk?” You nodded.

“You know what I remembered first when we came back? Your face. For me, you represented redemption, forgiveness and all of the things I didn’t think I deserved. When Steve told me that you two had worked things out, that you understood, it was a huge relief. I knew how important you were to him. Tony too. I felt like I robbed him of the family he found after the ice.” He was leaning down so he could speak quietly in your ear. “Then he told me that you wanted to meet me. God, I was terrified. All I could remember was Tony when he saw that video. I couldn’t imagine seeing the monster I had been reflected in anyone else’s eyes. Saying you forgive someone is one thing, truly being able to mean it was another. But then when you all came to try and stop Thanos the first time you waltzed off that jet and gave me the biggest smile and then you hugged me instead of shaking my hand. You took my breath away. And it was so strange to come back and then realize that 5 years had gone by. For me, it was like we just picked the fight up where we left off. It wasn’t until after that I saw you were different. You were harder. More determined to keep fighting. More determined to be a pain in my ass and walk into the line of fire when all I wanted to do was make sure you were okay. Not because of Tony. But because you were the first person other than Steve to really make me feel like I was worth all of this, that I was with saving. The idea that you were going to be out there and possibly getting hurt I had to prevent that at all costs. I just wanted you protected and behind your computer at home. That wasn’t fair and I’m sorry for doing that to you. You’re strong and capable. Getting to know you over this past year, even if you were pissed off at me for most of it, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m sorry that you had to lose Natasha for me to get my life back. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with Nat- but she was an incredible person. I would give my life up in a second to bring her back.” You spun around so you could face him. Even in sky high heels he was looking down at you.

“Don’t say that! Please don’t ever say that.” He studied your tear filled eyes with a kind smile. He slowly put both hands on your cheeks and swiped the unshed tears from your eyes. “As much as it hurts, Natasha had to make that sacrifice to find peace. And loosing you would be just as hard.” His blue eyes sparkled down at you and you felt a swoop in your stomach. He stroked your cheek with his non-metal hand before he dropped them to his side. He watched you take a deep breath and visibly relax.

“I haven’t talked about Natasha much. It just makes me so sad that she’s not here with us today. That she’s not here celebrating our victory. I think not talking about her has made it harder to heal.”

“Any time you want to talk, I’m here to listen.”

“And I will. But not now. This is supposed to be a party.” You smiled up at him, he was impossibly close.

“Well the 3/4 of that champagne bottle you drank will make this a real party for you in a few minutes when it hits you. You tipped your head back and laughed. “There it is.” He said it in a whisper. You have him a questioning look. “My favorite laugh.” He was making you blush again. This must have been what he was like before the war and it definitely wasn’t in your imagination. The flirting from the past few days was actually flirting. You weren’t sure what made him decide to be so obvious about it, but you didn’t care. “If no one else has told you, you look incredible tonight.” You were clad in a black strapless sweetheart neckline dress with a sequined bodice and jewel embellishments down the tulle skirt.

“You clean up pretty nicely yourself. I like the hair cut by the way.”

“It was time to get rid of the last thing that reminded me of The Winter Soldier...well other than the scary arm.”

“The arm isn’t scary.”

“No? Some of the looks I get say otherwise.”

“No. The metal arm is actually pretty sexy.” You didn’t even think before you said it. He had a smirk plastered to his face and this time you made yourself blush.

“You think I’m sexy?”

“I said the arm was sexy.” He stepped closer so you were leaning against the high railing again, his arms on either side of you caging you in again. You felt the tip of his nose run across your shoulder and up your neck as he whispered in your ear.

“You’re going to be the death of me, you know that?” The two of you had been dancing around each other for the last year, neither brave enough to make the next move. “If it wasn’t obvious by now, I have feelings for you. Big ones. The only question is, do you feel the same?”

“Do you really have to ask? Of course I do.” You felt his lips press against your shoulder and then your neck and it was like someone sucked the air out of you. He placed his hand in the side of your face and looked into your eyes for a moment and then put you out of your misery by pressing his lips to yours. It was like the missing piece had finally been put in its place. As you gripped his shoulders to deepen the kiss you heard someone clear their throat.

“Gross. Get a room.” Sam’s teasing voice rang out through the air. Bucky groaned and dropped his head as you peered around him to look at Sam. “Listen, this is your party Stark, you better get in there before someone else comes out here looking for you. Last thing we need is a reporter snapping a picture of this and ruining everyone’s breakfast tomorrow.”

“Yeah yeah we’re coming.” Bucky’s voice was laced with irritation. When Sam had retreated back inside you cupped both sides of Bucky’s face and pressed your lips to his again.

“Come dance with me. I’ve heard you’ve got some moves.”

“They May be outdated sweetheart.” You grabbed the bottle of champagne and downed the rest of it and then took Bucky’s hand and pulled him towards the entrance.

***

“You okay? I mean you seem okay now, but I know you’re good at hiding it.” You were standing with Steve side by side at the bar. The bar that Nat would often mix drinks at during one of the many party’s your father would throw. Bucky had excused himself to go dig out more of Thor’s Asgardian liquor for him and Steve. You were pleasantly buzzed if not a little bit drunk. Your face hurt from laughing. You had spent the evening dancing with Bucky, Sam and Sam’s date. She worked for you at Stark Industries in research and development. You had introduced her and Sam a few months ago and they, as you knew they would hit it off. She was funny like Sam but tough enough to not take his shit. He needed someone to keep him in line.

“I really am Steve. I promise. It just hit me hard when I was standing up there. Bucky, he.-“ Steve grinned and cut you off.

“It’s about time. I’ve watched the two of you tip toe around liking each other since he joined us. There’s a reason you get so angry with him.” You gave him your infamous eye narrow and lip pursed expression. “Y/N- even your father knew. He encouraged Bucky to go to you.” Your eyes widened.

“He did?!” You knew Tony had let go of what happened but you never would have expected him to be okay with you having any sort of romantic relationship with James Buchanan Barnes...let alone encourage it.”

“He wants you to be happy. He’s happy. After everything that has happened he knows how important it is to say how you feel. He wants you to have what he has. He sees how Buck looks at you, how you look at him. How you talk about him. He’d never deny you that.” You looked over at your father and Pepper dancing and felt your heart swell for him. Your attention was drawn back when you heard Bucky set a glass down in front of Steve.

“God that smells like turpentine” you scrunched your nose in disgust.

“Well sweetheart not all of us can still be light weights.” Bucky grinned at you. Steve excused himself to head over to Sharon. You were happy that he seemed to find some happiness after everything. He had thought about going back and staying with Peggy. But creating a new timeline could have consequences. Plus the idea of leaving Bucky behind what inconceivable. You watched as Bucky downed his drink and shuddered a little bit. You both laughed and then he put his hand out as a slow song started playing over the crowd. You placed your hand in his and led him lead you to the dance floor. His one hand found the small of your back and pulled you flush against him while your other hand was still in his. You placed your free hand on the back of his neck, enjoying the feeling of his freshly buzzed hair. He kissed you lightly and you enjoyed being so close to him. If anyone would have told you this was how you would spend your night, you would have laughed at them.

“So my father gave you his blessing I hear?” Bucky let out a throaty laugh.

“And then threatened my life if I ever hurt you. He said he still has a suit.” You laughed and rolled your eyes.

“That sounds like my father. I’m glad he did. I’ve been hoping you’d make a move for a long time.”

“You could have made a move on me you know.”

“True- but you’re old. I didn’t want to offend your old fashioned ways.”

“You wound me.” You gave Bucky a grin.

“Speaking of old fashioned...your dance moves are pretty nice.”

“Oh yeah?” He flirted. Before you could respond, gun shots rang through the air and a group of men bounded in the room with semi-automatic weapons.”

“That’s the leader of the drug ring. Samuel O’Brien.” You were wide eyed and pulled away from Bucky. Samuel narrowed his eyes at you.

“So I assume it’s you and your friends that took want was mine. Now, I’ll take what is yours.” You watched as his eyes locked on your fathers. Before Bucky could stop you, you ran towards your father and pushed him out of the way as a bullet sank into your abdomen as the both of you crashed to the ground. Your ears were ringing and it seemed like everything was moving in slow motion.

“Dammit Y/N! You shouldn’t have done that!” Tony cried out as he pulled his jacket off to put pressure on the bullet. You couldn’t speak. You locked eyes with your father for a moment and then everything faded to black.

***

You felt pain, white hot searing pain. Your eye lids felt like they weighed a thousand pounds as you struggled to open them. As the white room came into focus you heard the steady beeping of a hospital monitor.

“Y/N?!” You slowly glanced to your right and saw the worried looks of your father and Steve Rogers. Your father had jumped up and was fussing over you and you groaned. “What? What is it? What hurts?”

“Everything.” You saw Steve reach over and click a button on your IV.

“Thank God you woke up.” Tony ran his hand over your head and kissed your forehead. You started to feel fuzzy again and felt yourself slowly slip from consciousness from the pain meds Steve had sent into your veins.

You didn’t know how long you had been out for as you slowly blinked your eyes open again. You felt the heat of someone’s arm next to yours. When you looked to the side there sat James Buchanan Barnes with his head resting on his arms. You picked your hand up and slowly ran your fingers through his hair. It took him a moment to wake up. He slowly picked his head up and gave you a sleep smile.

“Hey.” You whispered.

“Hey yourself.” He sat up and pulled his chair closer and took your hand. “Any pain.” You shook your head no. “Good, I mean they have you pretty drugged. Jesus you scared the shit out of me. I can’t believe you did that.”

“He’s my dad.” Was all you could say. “Did you get him?”

“Yes. We got every damn one of them.”

“How long?”

“You’ve been unconscious for almost two weeks. Most of it was medically induced. There was a lot of damage and internal bleeding. They tapered you’re meds down and it took two more days for you to wake up. We thought we were going to lose you. I thought I lost you and I just finally got you. Not that you belong to me.” Bucky sighed and stopped talking.

“You didn’t lose me. And if you’ll have me, I’d love to belong to you.” He pulled your hand to his mouth and kissed it.

“I love you Y/N...I think I have for a long time. I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t pull through.” His voice caught with emotion.

“Hey- Bucky- I’m not going anywhere. I love you too.” He wiped a tear that slipped from your eye. He stood up and leaned over to place an gentle kiss on your lips. Your recovery would be tough, but you would get through it with Bucky by your side.

[realchemistry]

Jamie Johnson BAFTA Q&A Full transcript

14:02:35 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Good evening, everyone and welcome to this special BAFTA event as part of Pride Month. I'm Alex Kay-Jelski. I'm the editor in chief of the athletic and I'm going to be moderating a discussion of Jamie Johnson, Tackling Issues Head On.

14:03:09 I'm sure you have seen the incredible episodes that have been airing recently and before we have a great discussion with your panelists. I have bits of housekeeping. Live captioning is available if needed on this, click the option at the bottom of your Zoom panel. Also, we will be taking questions later, because we want to answer your big queries, but to do that, use the Q&A button at the bottom. We will not see you on the chat function.

14:03:44 I will give you a five minute warning to get the questions in and we will get in as many as we can in the next hour. So here we are, Jamie Johnson, what an incredible, incredible few episodes as we saw Dillon comes to terms or start to terms with his sexuality and being gay and coming out in a time of him being a starring footballer and how difficult that was for hill.

14:04:17 I think in a world where a lot of people feel comfortable going to football grounds, not like anyone is allowed at football grounds right now, unfortunately. With people coming to terms with who they are, trying to speak to their family about it, trying to speak to their friends about it. Really moving, fantastic drama.

14:04:39 We're going to talk to the key people and try to explain why it is so important and what effect it had and will continue to have. So I will stop prattling on because you are probably bored of hearing from me because there are far more interesting people to hear from.

14:04:58 We have Shaun Duggan the lead writer on Jamie Johnson. He has been BAFTA nominated alongside of Jimmy from the accused and he is famous for righting the lesbian kiss in brook side. I'm old enough to remember that.

14:05:33 Next, we have actors Laquarn Lewis and Patrick Ward, so hello to you two. We have Cheryl Taylor. Cheryl is the head of content of BBC Children and she commissioned Jamie Johnson and all of the BBC content, that is hard to say when you say it quickly for television and online.

14:06:03 For now, we have Hugo Scheckter who is the head of Player Care of West Ham United. Later, we have an extra because we're going to be joined by the executive producer Anita Burgess who produces Jamie Johnson for BBC. Lots of people with lots of things to say. We should get started, shouldn't we?

14:06:32 I'm going to talk to Shaun first, because I think you're the best persons to answer this question. Jamie Johnson has always been a huge success, we're in series five now, great ratings, lots of interest, telling really, really important stories that reflect sort of the lives of children and teenagers. Why do you think the show has been so popular and why does it engage this audience so well?

14:07:07 >> Shaun Duggan: I think for what you have said and from the outset, we wanted to tell a show that felt very real and reflect the lives of our young audience and not patronize or condescend them. My background is working on soap operas and other stuff and this was rarely the first big show I worked on in children's drama.

14:07:40 I have to say, I didn't approach it any differently. I approached it in the same way as I would an adult drama. Obviously, there are things you have to be careful of in terms of language, but in terms of thinking of challenge in story, thinking about what reflects the young audience as lives, what is important to them and just in terms and I'm sure we'll talk more later about how the whole Dillon story came about.

14:08:08 If I could say from a personal experience, when I was younger, I could I've with the show because I'm football mad, working-class background, I remember my dad carrying me over the turnstiles and slipping the man some cash and all I wanted to do was play football in the street and that is why I was obsessed with going to every game I could.

14:08:39 Then I got to about 11 and things changed because suddenly all I play football with didn't want to be my friend anymore and people started saying I was gay, queer, in the 80'S, I did not know what these things were. It I just knew I was something bad and something to be ashamed of and things got worse where I was not welcome to play football anymore.

14:09:14 People turned their backs on me and all through senior school, for me personally, I had a hellish experience. I left school without any qualifications and not just talking verbal bullying, I'm talking getting beaten up most days, so school became about survival. I couldn't turn to the teachers. You were not allowed to talk about gay issue, I couldn't go  home and tell my own family.

14:10:04 They were homophobic, not homophobic in a bad way, but we didn't know and I know firsthand how isolating and lonely, you know that is to be a young, gay person. I know things have changed to a degree, but in terms of education these things aren't talked enough within school, so to get this opportunity to tell a story like this in children's drama, I have to say a massive thank you to Cheryl and everyone at CBBC. If they don't support it and go along with it, then it wouldn't happen.

14:10:31 I have to say I found it very emotional seeing these stories going out on screen last week, not only that but everything around it, the support on news, the presenters after they talked to the audience and it is OK to be yourself and it made me proud to be a part of it and how far we have come.

14:10:46 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Do you think producing a show like this plays a role a little bit, a small role in helping the next generation of kids who are growing up, teenagers who are coming to terms with who they are, they don't have to go through what you have gone through.

14:11:24 >> Shaun Duggan: Absolutely, it is all cliche really, but if people say, if we telling this story, we can help one person not to feel -- let them know they are not on their own it is really worth doing. You mentioned at the intro, I did the lesbian kiss, which is almost 30 years ago now, but to this day, people who are in their 50s or whatever will approach me and when I meet them and you can tell people are in isolated communities with a traditional family.

14:11:34 The impact of seeing that story line on screen and making it feel less alone and that is so powerful.

14:11:54 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Cheryl, does the BBC have a role to play in that sense in trying to reassure people like this program does and let them know they are not alone? How important is it when you're choosing which programs to put on air does that come into play?

14:12:31 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thanks, Alex. It is really important to us.  Obviously, as a public service board, we are there to inform and to entertain and I think we want the children who are watching our shows to feel good about themselves and feel informed. I think it is key. It sets us apart from other broadcasters and listening to Shaun there, such a powerful story that he has told, not just on Jamie Johnson, but to us here this evening.

14:13:02 I think, I don't know how old Shaun is, but he looks younger than someone who wrote brookside 30 years ago. When I was the age of Patrick and Laquarn, I would not have had any role models and it is fantastic that people are able to write these important stories and we very much want to reflect them.

14:13:31 I have to point out it takes a special kind of writer and special performer to achieve what Jamie Johnson has achieved and the whole production team as well. A lot of people have talked about authenticity at the moment and to hear Shaun talk about the story that has woven into a football series.

14:14:06 Jamie Johnson has been around for a long time and to artfully weave that story, in a sense, I don't think any of the fans or viewers would have felt in a sense they were being preached at or lectured, which I think is amazing. I think Patrick has taken us through Dillon's journey in a way that Shaun has given us the story, a coming of age story, someone finding his identity and that is something all kids will be going through. They will all be looking for signals and for help.

14:14:42 It is hard being a kid and hard growing up, so you know, absolutely, I think the BBC is the platform for this type of story, but fair play to these guys. They told it beautifully. I was seeing the comments on Patrick and Laquarn's Insta and there are people saying this is amazing and this is great to seeing this happen. People have written, what an amazing episode of Jamie Johnson. It is such a valuable series.

14:14:49 I'm grateful to Shaun and all of the team for telling the story so beautifully.

14:15:12 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Shaun, how do you write for a teenage and child audience? How do you get insides of the heads of teenagers and people of that age and make it relevant to them? As been mentioned in this call already, you are not a teenager anymore.

14:15:44 >> Shaun Duggan: No, but I thank Cheryl for the comments they am older than you might realize. I have lots of nieces, nephew, firstly, we have all been teenagers so I have been there. But I have nieces and nephews and so many of my friends' children love Jamie Johnson. In the past, for example, I tried to incorporate stories being relevant.

14:15:58 We had Dillon being diabetic in an earlier series because my friend's daughter was diagnosed with type I diabetes and that is where the idea came from, so you draw from all of those experiences.

14:16:10 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Patrick, do you remember the day they came to you with the idea of this story line and how did that feel? It is quite a responsibility, I guess.

14:16:41 >> Patrick Ward: Sure, I do remember the day, actually, before every series, I would meet with Shaun and Anita and talk about the next year and this idea was brought forward. To be honest, while a lot of people may see it as being a surprise, when you look back over Dillon's journey, it made a lot of sense and as playing Dillon, it felt organic and needed in society as well.

14:16:56 Yeah, definitely, I think that is really important as well, I have younger brothers and sisters who fancy the star and to see their response and other people, it has been brilliant.

14:17:20 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: How many barriers do you think there are to breakdown? For example, hopefully, this makes a lot of people feel more comfortable and better about themselves, but realistically, when you went and told your friends about this twist in Dillon's character, were you nervous about the response that you would get? Has that been positive?

14:17:42 >> Patrick Ward: I suppose you are nervous, for me especially with negative feedback, it is more kind of, like what Shaun was talk about earlier, it shows that it is perform that we're doing this story line. When you see negative feedback, which is not a lot of it to be fair, most of it is positive, but I think it is important.

14:18:03 People around me responded very well and my family was very supportive and is very forward thinking. I was proud to be doing it and I didn't care what other people had to say about it negative thinking, because I'm honored to be a part of it.

14:18:13 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, how did you feel that? Do you think Jamie Johnson has a unique way of telling a story like this?

14:18:45 >> Laquarn Lewis: Yeah, I think it is unique in terms of the way he told the story, because any story can educate people on coming out and finding your own sexuality, but Jamie Johnson has done this through an industry which seems to be gay in football, especially and they tackled this on one of their main characters and followed the journey of his homophobic past with himself, his younger brother and dad.

14:19:16 He was only sharing the homophobic because that is what he was used to around his family and maybe his football team, you know, so the fact he had to hold it in for so long and hide who he is because of his passion for football. Jamie Johnson told an amazing story and did an amazing job of getting it across and you can be who you want to be no matter what your dreams are.

14:19:49 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I think it is great that he was not playing into people's stereotypes as well. Some people like to think what they know what a gay person looks like, talks like, walks like, right, Dillon did not fit the stereotypes. Hugo, I don't know if you had the same thing, but when I came out, a lot of people were like, oh, we didn't see that coming necessarily, which is fine but you wish they had known it was coming because it was less of a surprise.

14:20:06 I think the fact that Dillon was not what some people would expect is a great thing for the audience because it makes them think about their own assumptions and prejudices, if you don't mind.

14:20:31 >> Shaun Duggan: I hope you don't mind me jumping, in but it made the story more interesting. The audience had these expectations of Dillon that someone like him wouldn't be gay, so therefore, that makes it more challenging.

14:20:48 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Yeah, absolutely. Did you, Patrick, Laquarn get involved in the story line or were you good boys and did what you were told?

14:21:07 >> Patrick Ward: Well, we rehearsed beforehand, actually in this house, in the next room. Laquarn came with someone we have known for a long time and rehearsed this kind of thing. I think it is very important as well.

14:21:42 >> Laquarn Lewis: He made us do games where we had to get to know each other really well before we shoot the scenes, so the story that we were telling was truthful. We had to do this one task and we had to look at each other and we couldn't smile and we had to keep pushing each other. He did so many games to get us on to a level where our relationship outside of acting could really like grow for our onset acting and I think that helped a lot.

14:22:10 >> Patrick Ward: I was going to say it is interesting because if you look at Dillon when he meets Elliot, it is like when he first sees him. It is like there is something that goes on insides of his brain. He doesn't understand what it is, but there is something and it is new and it happens very quickly, so I think it is important that me and Laquarn were able to understand each other as people and actors beforehand, definitely.

14:22:28 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Absolutely. We touched on this is a little, Cheryl, but outside of this show, generally, do you feel the BBC has a responsibility to put forward stories that represent underrepresented parts of audiences?

14:23:08 >> Cheryl Taylor: Yes, I was just thinking there when Shaun was talking about Patrick having diabetes just using Jamie Johnson as an example and this is one example of one of many, many dramas that we do. The different storylines that people judge as mainly football drama. We covered Jamie's family and kids looking after sick parents, so young carers, we had the homophobia, we had bullying. Just in that one series, you have a set of writers and producers and commissioners

14:23:50 Who intend to broaden the scope to be as inclusive and relevant as many kids as possible. Someone was talking about we know a lot of girls watch Jamie Johnson as well, so across the piece, it is important that all of our brands have a broad appeal. I think, I know I sound like I'm heaping praise on these wonderful creators but because I think they deserve it in this one drama. Secret life of boys, all of these shows on the surface, you can say this is a comedy, this is a drama.

14:24:19 Under beneath of that, every episode addresses these issues and reflects many of the audience's lives as many as possible and giving them tools and strategies to manage their own lives. I do think suggest a scale and a specialty skill and I don't think anyone watching the show would argue that they have done it incredibly well. It is very important.

14:24:44 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: That is it, isn't it? We can talk about sport and football and LBGTQ relationships in a minute, but Jamie Johnson, this story line is a show about football largely, but the story line is not about football. You can be any young more than or older person who doesn't have the courage to come out or the opportunity to come out and see that.

14:24:59 Hopefully, be confident and inspired by it. This is not about football, right, either of you, this is show to reach out to a much, much wider audience.

14:25:27 >> Cheryl Taylor: As I say it is about identities, rites of passage, coming of age and the journey that Dillon goes on, especially the extraordinary scene with his dad, for any kid, you know who is thinking about a difficult conversation that they might want to have, that would have been key. That would have been crucial and the fact that he goes to speak to Jamie. He reaches out to his friends and gets advice.

14:25:51 That is where the beauty of having Elliot there who has gone through this before, who has to some degree come to terms with his identity and that gives lots of information, lots of hope, useful take out for kids who are watching and feeling uncertainty about their own identity.

14:26:23 >> Shaun Duggan: I think that is, if you don't mind me jumping in again, really important because we established in the story that Dillon's family is homophobic. We ran a story where his little brother was kicked out of the club about making homophobic comments about Ruby's foster parents. We have time to establish that, but it felt important when we brought in Elliot's character that he was coming in from a different place.

14:26:37 He was comfortable in who he was. He says on screen that he had been brought up with gay people, so they had different experiences, but learned from each other's experiences.

14:27:03 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Also for parents, too, right? This is not an easy conversation and not always an expected conversation for parents as well. I think is very hard to know sometimes how to react and how not to react and everyone wants to say they want to be understanding with their children, but some parents may get shocked and surprised and don't react in the most helpful ways.

14:27:13 With that scene in particular with Dillon and his dad is a good thing to pin up on the wall, and go, whatever you do, don't do that.

14:27:39 >> Shaun Duggan: Again, in terms of that is such a powerful scene, very difficult to watch and all of the actors played it so brilliant, but there is quite a pit of the series to go, so although Dillon's dad reacted veried badly, he will have his own journey to go on through the rest of the series.

14:28:18 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Hugo, you sat there patiently and calmly and nodding in the right places, so now you get to talk. Hugo works in west ham. He is in the dressing room with players. He is helping them out. He used to work at Southampton, so he works at various football clubs. He understands football. He is a gay man in football. What did you think watching this and do you think football is a different place than other parts of society?

14:28:56 >> Hugo Scheckter: First of all, it struck me how powerful it was and it was jarring from a kids' TV show. I'm not someone who watched Jamie Johnson on a regular basis before, I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. This was my first expectation of the show, watching cartoons with my nephew. Did not know what to expect, but I thought, wow, this is hard hitting and I was jarred by the whole Dillon and his father's scene.

14:29:24 I think it was absolutely fantastic to highlight that. In terms of football, I think it's a different environment in a lot of ways, but negative and positive. I think a lot of people see football as this horrible, you know, macho, alpha-male environment. The changing room is one of the most diverse groups of people you can meet.

14:30:08 We've got on the team, for example, a guy from the republic of Congress go who is friends with a Scottish guy and a Hawaiian guy and you probably don't see that in society on a general basis. I think seeing the role molls come -- models coming out, but you're seeing it in the lockdown, but allies and I think people have spoken openly and eloquently about the importance of the rainbow campaign or openly gay players or role models.

14:30:42 For me, I was in the closet and I came out about two or three years into Southampton. My job is to look after players and the families and I was trying to get the players to trust me without sharing all of myself. Once I did, the relationship was so much closer and even today at lunch, I had a player ask me about my coming out and how I realized and he talked about how he would react if his kids came out.

14:31:14 That is a conversation that you would not expect to be in a changing room or a club and the amount of discussions we had about LBGTQ issues or trans issues, I'm not shaggymane expert, but I'm a resource and I think it is hugely encouraging and it means they are inquisitive people. I think they get a bad rap and I'm 100% sure who came out would be fully accepted in the change room.

14:31:44 Players want you to be a good person and a good player and if you can 10 us stay in the league or other teams' cases, higher up in the league, that is all that matters. It does not matter who you are or what you do in your free time, what religion you are or sexual orientation, it does not matter as long as you're a good person or a good player. I think football gets a worse rap than it deserves at times.

14:32:22 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I would counter it to be the awkward person to say going to football is the only place I would not hold my husband's hand in public. It is one thing to know what it is like in the dressing room and that is fascinating, it is another thing to walk into a football stadium and the atmosphere and the words that you hear there, whether it is racist stuff, homophobic stuff, football as a sport has a long, long way to go percent. Sports has a long way to go. There are not out

14:32:59 Is not a great place. You say it was Dillon's line in the episode, there is no out -- no out footballer in this country, how can I sort of come out and be successful and that is the crux of that is a big part of the episode, isn't it? It is a really complex question because the worst thing that can happen people endlessly talking about it and the witchhunt of we need gay footballs. Who is the gay footballer?

14:33:14 I think the narrative needs to be a welcoming environment so people feel comfortable and that may take another generation's time.

14:33:53 >> Hugo Scheckter: There are gay women footballers in the west ham. You know what, yeah, I can talk to my experience in the changing room. To be honest, I go to every game we play and I don't hear the negativity. I think there is a lot of discussion in football about this banter and from an outsider's point of view, especially in the change room, it can be seen as negative. The way I felt was the players did not joke about anything, whether it was my sexuality or whatever else,

14:34:20 My hair, my weight, or whatever it is, that means they accept me. If it is like, don't talk about gay stuff that is like they don't accept me. I had players saying can I make a gay joke to you and I say as long as you make it to my face and prepare for me to come back at you and I think that is a little bit of a difference in football environment where other industries it would not be acceptable.

14:34:46 At the end of the day, we are focused of doing one thing, which is winning matches and we have a match tomorrow. We're all focused on that we're not worried about what everyone is doing around that. We're worried about everything is doing everything they can to beat Chelsea or get a point at this point, but it is important that we work together for that one goal.

14:35:06 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Just a quick, not warning as such, advisory, that we will probably start the questions in a few minutes. I can see there are few in there. If you want to ask these lovely, almost interesting people questions, make sure you get them so we can make you as happy as possible.

14:35:18 What is acting like in comparison, Laquarn, Patrick, do you feel that is a welcoming environment for people to be themselves?

14:35:54 >> Laquarn Lewis: Well, I feel like it. Yeah, there is, but there is a lot of discrimination in the acting industry, it is not just football. I feel like, especially with type casting that is very hard in the industry, because if you act or look a certain way then it is most likely you're going to get put for this same character over and over again. It is good to just play something different to yourself and get that opportunity.

14:36:07 It is getting better in the industry, but like I said, I'm happy to play whatever, especially this role right here, because I'm helping so many people, so I'm -- thank you, yeah.

14:36:13 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Have you had people get in touch with you to say it has helped?

14:36:17 >> Laquarn Lewis: You can do this one, Patrick.

14:36:49 >> Patrick Ward: Yeah, yeah, definitely, it has been mostly positive and that is the benefit thing for me is seeing people with a message saying this has helped me come to terms with this or this helped me speak about this and that is all we're trying to achieve and just I'm proud watching the episode because everyone did such a good job. It has been fantastic and see how people have responded in a good way.

14:36:57 There has been some negativity, but a lot of people have taken it positive.

14:37:18 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: One person who is in a great position to explain a little bit more about the reception that this story line has got is Anita. So Anita Burgess, for those who were not here at the beginning of the conversation, Anita. Hello, Anita. Good evening. Nice to see you.

14:37:21 >> Anita Burgess: Hello. Nice to see you, too.

14:37:35 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Anita is the executive producer of the show. You must be absolutely fantastic the repping you have had, I would love to hear from your perspective.

14:38:11 >> Anita Burgess: It has been amazing actually. I'm known as someone who cries a lot and the reception has made me cry a lot even for me. It has been overwhelming. I think as Patrick was saying largely positive. I mean almost entirely positive, the 1% have their other views and that is there and that has to be acknowledged, but I found, I think as what was said, the most moving ones are the positive ones.

14:38:39 People feel for the first time there is something on screen that they recognize themselves in and it helps them and the complements about how the story has been handled and us not talking down to people, that sense of what we're trying to do is empower and educate and get the word out there to help people who are already in this position.

14:38:53 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: How would you not talk down to people? What are things that you can do so it does not come across as patronizing? What are things in your head as a producer to say don't do this?

14:39:30 >> Anita Burgess: We are mindful of the audience and the age they are, so you explain things and make it clear to not -- what you're trying to do is use language that they would understand, but not treat them kind of too young. I think the simplicity of the story comes from truth. It comes from Shaun's experiences.

14:39:44 Making sure the research is as thorough as possible, so we are representing the truth as much as we can, I think it is about that, so don't talk down is just be honest and clear as best we can.

14:40:10 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: That is brilliant. I think it is time we put you to the sharks and answer some questions, really. There are quite a few of them. I'm going to try to do something if I press a button, they might come up on the screen. I'm going to apologize in advance if I get that wrong and someone will tell me if I'm doing this wrong.

14:40:42 So Dillon's storyline has been gripping, someone says. Beautifully written and amazingly active. Lots of compliments. This is best directed to you, Cheryl, of CBC producing a series with younger audiences where being LBGTQ plus being the center of the show? Can you, not target, but get this message to a younger audience?

14:41:13 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thank you for the question. As I was saying earlier, obviously CBC is the preschool channel and we have 6-12, to some degree we're limited to the type of lens we can put on sexuality, obviously, and as I mentioned earlier, a lot around your identity is something that we can explore. It has to be done in a certain way, because we have quite a wide age group.

14:41:47 I think the way this story is played out from 9-12 and above has been perfect, so depending on how someone wrote a story and type of character that they highlighted, I think anything is possible. Our central messages are about tolerance and inclusion and that people should feel OK about being themselves and I think you can get those messages across in many, many different ways, as to say for preschool age.

14:41:54 It would depend on the type of character and how they were portrayed, but essentially, yes, absolutely.

14:41:59 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Since you're talking, you can answer the next question.

14:42:00 >> Cheryl Taylor: Go.

14:42:22 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Shaun might have an opinion as well. How long did it take to develop the idea and were you nervous about it? The person here, he says he produced when Andrew Hayden Smith came out and people were nervous that people like parents would complain. Were you aware of that or, no, we're doing the right thing?

14:42:51 >> Cheryl Taylor: I wasn't nervous, actually, that is partly to do with the team. Again as I mentioned this there are a lot of tricky storylines in Jamie Johnson and our other dramas. Anita, Shaun, everyone is very, very experienced and I knew they would handle it really well and similarly, the commissioning editor, Amy and her team would have explained the storylines with Anita.

14:43:25 That is one part of it and going back to Patrick, Patrick is such a key, key character in Jamie Johnson and he has taken on so many different things, so right from the beginning. I remember Anita telling me Patrick embraced the idea because he felt it was so important. Genuinely, we knew the team, there might have been a few more question marks, but with this team we did not have any anxiety.

14:44:06 Anita and Amy in presentation and talked to the press and introducing it and Patrick introduced it and pushing to news rounds and also on social media kind of making sure there were links there to child life or the other kids that might be watching who were worried and going through new experiences. Across the piece, everyone was so empathetic that it might be a troublesome story line, and they did brilliant work to make sure it was embedded in the right way.

14:44:23 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Brilliant. Shaun, this one is for you. This person is called anonymous attendee, who I don't think is their real name, how important is it for LBGTQ stories to have a happy ending?

14:44:46 >> Shaun Duggan: Incredibly important, as far as I'm concerned. In the past, we have seen so many examples, you know, where there is a tragic ending and to be honest because that is reflected reality, because it has been in the past incredibly hard to be gay in this country. It was only in the 1960's, it was legal to be gay.

14:45:11 In the 80'S, we had the AIDS epidemic and you couldn't discuss being gay in school, so it is only in the past 20 or so years, we have been on this incredible journey and we are in a position now where we can tell these positive stories that reflect real people's lives.

14:45:31 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I think when you grow up a gay teenager there is a lot of feeling that you won't have all of the things that people laid out for other people. I grew up thinking I'm not going to get married and not have kids and I'm going to be unhappy. Having hope.

14:46:11 >> Shaun Duggan: For me being able to tell it, I talked about being bullied at school. I was 21 before I came out. That ad less scents that most people have, I didn't have. It was stolen from me. It gives me so much hope that young people have the confidence to talk sexuality and build on those.

14:46:45 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I'm being asked by Christopher, how have your peers responded to you playing this role? Obviously, Laquarn, you mentioned discrimination in industry. Have actors been supportive in what you have done? Lincoln people around me like my friends and family and people who watch have really supported me and and there is nothing far from like myself. Elliot is just like myself.

14:47:19 >> Laquarn Lewis: I -- so my friends have always been supportive, but I chose to wait until I left secondary school to tell them what my sexuality was, because I knew in secondary schools, if you are different in any way shape or form whether that is sexuality, disability, you will be brutalized and it is a horrible thing. I already knew I was going to wait until then. I was worried about my friends and what they would think as well.

14:47:46 When I told them, I have never seen such amazing support of people and doing this right now in the show, they have picked me up so much. They said the bravery it takes to be able to be open about your sexuality and then do this and silt just amazing and I thank everyone around me really.

14:47:51 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Patrick, anything to add or is that an impossible act to follow?

14:48:22 >> Patrick Ward: That is summed up perfectly. A different thing for me, this story line, but everybody around me has been very supportive. There are people I know, to be fair, from school or who you see out who haven't -- made comments, but as a reality, for me, you have conversations about this and able to express and I think it has been already.

14:48:43 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Someone sells asking, when you're doing a story line like this, are you given any help or claiming in terms or warnings about how to deal with the response afterwards on social media? It is hard to know what things are going to be like, right?

14:49:12 >> Laquarn Lewis: Yeah, we have had Zoom sessions with Anita and Shaun and BBC, everyone involved in making Jamie Johnson and particularly, this storyline, they have given us guidelines and a draft response to people who are giving us hate and BBC says we don't respond to this. We have been helped really well.

14:49:50 >> Patrick Ward: I think that is spot on that it has been interesting that I have been doing this for quite a while and I remember being 12 and in a room and talking about social media before I had ever been on TV and people saying, this is -- you're going to have this kind of response and this kind of thing and I remember being mind blown. It now a part of reality on how to respond with these things. I have a strict code of conduct with my social media and mostly what we have had ha fantast

14:50:26 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: There is one question that has been asked more than anything else, so we're going to save it to the end. We're going to go to a tough one and Shaun and Anita, you are probably best place to ask this. Someone said a line that jumped out to me, I think this is in the scene with Dillon and his dad, you are gay or you're not. Should we be telling people that identities aren't binary?

14:50:52 >> Shaun Duggan: I think with that line, you're writing truthfully from Dillon's dad's perspective. He hasn't got this great understand on of the subject and it is the kind of thing that he might say and not everyone is 100% gay. A lot of people are, a lot of people aren't, a lot of people in the middle.

14:51:32 Dillon is actually trying to tell his dad the truth and his dad is making it as difficult as possible for him, so I think I would rather focus on the positive message and the scenes that we have between Dillon and Elliot, where there was so much positive materials spoken about rather than focusing on Dillon's dad, who at this stage is homophobic and ignorant and a bigot, really.

14:52:05 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: This question is from a teacher and she says if she teaches things about homophobia or transgender issues, she gets parents saying she is trying to make them that way and we hear this quite a lot, right? If you tell people about transgender people, you're going to make them transgender. She is asking, have you had any of that or generally people been a lot lovier?

14:52:38 >> Shaun Duggan: If I could just say from my perspective on that, again, talking about what I was saying earlier, from being born to 12-13, I did not see any gay representation on TV I did not know what gay people were. I still became gay. If you go on that lodge you can, I should be an heterosexual, because I should have been inspired by boys and girls, but I wasn't. I still became gay.

14:52:54 You have to be careful when you have the debates, don't you of just having an open mind. At the end of the day, you know instinctively what you are from an a young age.

14:53:23 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Begs the question, if I watch enough "Game of Thrones" will by a weird person and run around with a spear in my hand?  Not sure how that works. This question is for Cheryl from Miriam. She says in children's media, it can be hard to get certain things to air. With this story line, you had to tweak it or limit it in order for it to get to that stage or were you allowed to be fairly free with it?

14:53:57 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thanks for your question, Miriam. I think that goes back to the one we answered earlier, which was, I think the teams, s Anita and Amy and Shaun were looking at getting the story across in an age appropriate way. We is 6-12, so we need to make sure it is age appropriate.

14:54:38 Generally, there are some things I get exercised about, along with Katherine McAllister and I think pat and Laquarn was mentioning and we talked to her if we worried about a story line. Because this one, series five, coming from Shaun's personal experience and a specialty team, I didn't have any concerns about that.

14:55:12 >> Anita Burgess: Can I jump in as well, because I think it is important that people can understand how the producer coming to the BBC with this story, it wasn't something that we thought oh, we're not going to be able to do that. We knew the team would be very willing to talk to us and they did and we had a very in-depth discussion all the way along the line, they were incrediblably supportive of making sure this is age appropriate and the clarity was there, but the truth was there.

14:55:31 I think all credit it to the BBC if there is a perception that there is something you can't do there, that is not the case. There is always a conversation to be had there and they have been enormously supported right from the start.

14:55:50 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Hugo, young footballers coming through as teenagers, do they get a good education in being open minded? I can't remember how much they are in school and how much they are not at school. How do young sports people get taught how to be open minder?

14:56:17 >> Hugo Scheckter: I don't think we teach them to be open minded, I think we teach them a variety of life skills that leads them to being open minds, which was the idea. They are meeting people that they would not have met through their normal lives and I think that is a positive experience, but we also make sure everything we are doing that is appropriate and talk about the social media guidelines that the actors go through.

14:56:43 We go through the same thing, not only in the things they put out, but what they receive and we have had a number of issues with various comments getting to our players and having to deal with that. I think you can't maybe teach -- you can teach open mindness, but that is not our goal. Our goal is to make well-rounded people who are also excellent footballers.

14:57:06 We haven't seen issues in the any of the clubs I worked with where players are not accepting each other or having problems with each other it. Tends to be they competed on a position, where two goalkeepers competing for one position, but not the personality of the major clashes that happens at younger ages.

14:57:25 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I reckon apart from the one person who is asking if they can play football with Patrick, we have time for two more questions. Laquarn, Patrick, what have you learned from filming these scenes?

14:57:49 >> Patrick Ward: I think a lot. These are the scenes I was looking forward to the most. When you get the scripts, especially the ones, obviously we rehearsed a lot, but I learned a lot as an actor and I am not able to prescription it very well because it is an organic process and try to embed yourself into it.

14:58:01 I like to think of it being modern and I think you learn a lot from this kind of thing, especially as a new actor.

14:58:04 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, over to you.

14:58:40 >> Laquarn Lewis: I think it is -- it shows a way of how somebody can cope with coming out and how they deal with telling people and stuff and what I have learned from filming this and getting out there to people is, it doesn't have to be someone on the screen. You can be the person in real life to support your friend. All it takes you to ask them if they are OK and they might all of a sudden tell you that or anything.

14:58:55 If you just support people around you then you know it is something to help them that little bit more to be themselves.

14:59:11 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: So the last question of the night, the question that everyone is asking in this Q&A and we have to ask wow getting in trouble, is Elliot coming back? Who is answering that question?

14:59:28 >> Anita Burgess: I guess that is me, isn't it? We're hopeful. Things are in the process at the moment. Things aren't completely finished yet, but we're hopeful to find a way of continuing it somehow.

14:59:33 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, you're in luck. It is a night to celebrate.

14:59:35 >> Anita Burgess: He might not want to.

14:59:37 >> Laquarn Lewis: I would. I would.

15:00:14 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: There you go. It is a job acceptance live on air. Thank you so much all of you for your time, your questions, your excellent answers. I have enjoyed it and I hope you have as well. There are a lot of people struggling out there, as well, if you know them, I recommend the charities, it takes so much work to help people in relation to storylines like this, absolutely massive.

[nerianasims]

Billboard #1s 1986

Under the cut.

Dionne & Friends -- "That's What Friends Are For" -- January 18, 1986

While listening to this song, I think it's a very squishy ballad with a nice sentiment that's not for me but is tolerable. Until a certain point. That point is when Elton John has his big part. Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Gladys Knight: Great, amazing, I love them, and though their talents are wasted on a song this slight, they make it listenable. Elton John's talents are not wasted on a song this slight. Couldn't they have brought in someone else? There's no way Prince would do something like this, but what about Paul McCartney? Kenny Loggins? Billy Ocean? I guess George Michael was too young for the song's schtick. But I'd take even Lionel Richie over Elton John.

Whitney Houston -- "How Will I Know" -- February 15, 1986

Whitney Houston was an amazing, phenomenally talented singer. And she oversang. Almost all the time. She didn't have to; she knew how to sing with subtlety and grace. But oversinging was (and is) popular, so that's what she did. It means I don't like most of her songs, including this one.

Mr. Mister -- "Kyrie" -- March 1, 1986

I'm not Christian any more, but one can pull inspiration from anywhere. I love the phrase "kyrie eleison." There's something beautiful about that combination of sounds, and there's also something beautiful about the sentiment. The music does not live up to it, unfortunately, though the opening is gorgeous. It also gets super repetitive at the end. It's pretty good, but I want it to be great, and sadly it is not.

Starship -- "Sara" -- March 15, 1986

I'm going to have to listen to "White Rabbit" a dozen times to cleanse this from my brain. A band that used to do stuff like that devolving into making this garbage is extremely depressing. This song starts with music box tinkling which sounds nice. Then saxophone over it which... okay. Just the sax would have been nice, but over the music box it's a little much, but I can keep going with it. Then they add a harmonica layered over it, and it's like I'm listening to a parody of mid-80s easy listening. And then randomly there's a drum crash and the weak voice of this guy comes in along with massive synth, and I start to wonder if I'm being punked. Are we sure this song wasn't a joke?

Heart -- "These Dreams" -- March 22, 1986

I watched the video probably hundreds of times when I was a kid. (On Betamax!) I adore this song. I got to it and went well, this is gonna win 1986, because there's only so much rational distance I can take from what was my favorite pop song when I was 9 years old. This song didn't start my Romantic sensibility, but it spoke to what was already in bloom. "There's something out there I can't resist." We'll see what else is on the list.

Falco -- "Rock Me Amadeus" -- March 29, 1986

I love the movie Amadeus, even though it constitutes a massive slander against poor Salieri. It gets Mozart pretty spot-on though. And I always loved classical music, was surrounded by it from infancy, so I was glad to see its popularity spread by the movie. (Yes, at age nine. I've always been a huge nerd.) This song is really fun and well-made too, though of course I can't understand any of the German lyrics.

Prince -- "Kiss" -- April 19, 1986

Prince sings this almost entirely in falsetto, so one would guess I would hate it, since falsetto usually sends me running in the other direction. One would be wrong. I adore it. Prince was that kind of artist -- he could get away with anything. He was notoriously arrogant, but was it really arrogance when it was just a proper conception of his own abilities? Anyway,

of course "you don't have to be cool to rule my world" deeply spoke to my experiences. I was the most uncool girl in school. Until high school, when somehow my not giving a damn about being cool (as I'd failed at it my whole life) actually helped me.

Also when Prince drops to a low note on the last "kiss," it is incredibly hot.

Robert Palmer -- "Addicted to Love" -- May 3, 1986

I have no idea what I'd think of this song without the video. The video infuriates me. The clone-looking emotionless women aren't "sexualized." No, you have to be treated like a human being on at least some level for that. They are purely objectified, treated literally as blank interchangeable things, with nothing at all inside them. The song is skeevy anyway, though I guess the music's good. But blech.

Pet Shop Boys -- "West End Girls" -- May 10, 1986

I've never liked this song and I've never really understood why. It's the kind of song I felt I should like. But I've always felt (since I noticed it as a teenager) that there was something missing. Now I know why: According to the Stereogum article about it, the band leader doesn't like rock n'roll, and is a pop critic. Oh. Some rock is exactly what this song needs. Without it, it's too cold and removed, and to me sounds smug. Also how can you be a pop critic and not like rock n' roll? That is a wrongness.

Whitney Houston -- "Greatest Love of All" -- May 17, 1986

Whitney Houston doesn't oversing on this song as much as usual, so that's good. Though she still oversings. What's not good are the music and lyrics. The music is bland as can be. Lyrically, it starts with "I believe the children are our future" and there's a verse about "the beauty they possess inside." Blargh.

Then after the first verse there's a total change in theme, going into how the narrator never found anyone to look up to. And that the "greatest love" is loving yourself and only depending on yourself and no one else. I despise this sentiment deep in my bones. Not of loving yourself -- though the song claims that's "easy to achieve," which is bollocks of the first order. Rather that you should only depend on yourself. That's literally inhuman. We are social creatures; without depending on each other, we are adrift in nothingness. So yeah. I hate this song.

Madonna -- "Live to Tell" -- June 7, 1986

This song gives me chills. The music is gorgeous and perfectly suited to the lyrics. I listened to the "True Blue" tape many, many times from about age 10 until, um. Well, I listened to the album on Spotify the other night. This song is the standout for me on it. I always thought that Madonna was singing about having been emotionally abused as a child herself. That is apparently not it at all; it's a song for a movie soundtrack. But to me it's about familial abuse. And always has been. It felt like she was singing for me. "The light that you could never see/ It shines inside, you can't take that from me."

Patti LaBelle & Michael McDonald -- "On My Own" -- June 14, 1986

Not the Les Miz song, sadly. It's about how the narrators are breaking up. Patti LaBelle is great, but I am so bored. Michael McDonald isn't bad, but he can't match Patti LaBelle, and even she can't stop this song from being deadly dull. It took me like 5 tries to be able to listen to the whole thing.

Billy Ocean -- "There'll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)" -- July 5, 1986

What makes someone decide to put a parenthetical in a song title? Is there a formula? Anyway, he's singing (in his head) to someone he wants to be with. The "sad songs" are not actually supposed to be sad songs, it seems, but love songs that make him think of her. I guess. I don't know. Something about this song is turning my brain to mush. The tinkly parts and the violins are nice I guess. But I'm going to fall asleep at my desk if I try to listen to this song any more.

Simply Red -- "Holding Back the Years" -- July 12, 1986

Just looking at the lyrics, this song should be deeply depressing. He feels that so far his life has been a waste, but somehow he'll "keep holding on." There's a beautiful saxophone part. The song is not depressing -- it's Blues. It's terribly sad and cathartic at the same time. I'm not thrilled with Mick Hucknall's voice though.

Genesis -- "Invisible Touch" -- July 19, 1986

I did not pay attention to any of the lyrics of this song except the chorus until just now. I thought it was about a woman with an "invisible touch" whom people fall for left and right, and that's true. What I did not know was that she was supposed to be doing it on purpose. Which, okay, sort of like "Maneater"? Except no, because "Well I don't really know her, I only know her name." Then how do you know this about her?! He sounds like a stalker. Or this sounds like a first draft. The music is good enough, and the chorus could make for a good song around it lyrically, if they had bothered with that.

Peter Gabriel -- "Sledgehammer" -- July 26, 1986

I used to think this song was meant to be about a guy who was going to basically tank for you (and also have sex with you.) Well, apparently he wants to solve only one of your problems in particular: namely, that of your lacking orgasms. The "sledgehammer" is supposed to be a metaphor for his dick. Ow? Whatever, I'm going with my own interpretation of it. I like the beginning flute part, which is actually from a keyboard demo. It's a fun song, but it gets pretty repetitive.

Peter Cetera -- "Glory of Love" -- August 2, 1986

"We did it all for the glory of love" is a sentiment I usually adore. But this song is a limp dishrag. Did what for the glory of love? Why does she seem to be thinking of leaving him? And Peter Cetera being "the man who will fight for your honor" is a hilarious idea. His voice is nasally and he sounds like a faker. He comes off as someone who only vaguely understands the small-r romance of flowers and chocolates, and not at all as someone who understands the Romance of a castle far away. Bryan Adams did much better with this kind of thing in the 90s.

Madonna -- "Papa Don't Preach" -- August 16, 1986

The article I'm reading about this says there was a controversy over this song regarding abortion somehow, with left-wingers being upset that the narrator didn't consider it and right-wingers praising her for keeping the baby. Maybe in California. That is not what I remember in Michigan, and I do clearly remember a controversy. What I remember is right-wingers being absolutely incensed that Madonna was singing about the pregnancy of an unmarried young woman (or teenager, though I always felt the narrator was college-age) at all. I also remember one on the radio being angry that this working class girl was keeping her baby rather than giving it up to a rich family.

It is a really good song. Actually it is kinda Romantic. The narrator's in a dramatic life-changing situation, she has to choose whether or not to marry a guy before she's sure she's ready, and there are intense violins. Her father disapproves of her boyfriend, but she needs her father's advice. She's also not ashamed. She's in a difficult situation, but there's no guilt. Good. And this is what made so many people so angry with Madonna, and what was so deeply important about Madonna. She refused to even pretend to be guilty about sex in her music, ever.

Steve Winwood -- "Higher Love" -- August 30, 1986

I think this is about wanting to believe in a god. But then there's "I could make the sun shine from pure desire." Maybe it's about Aphrodite. Chaka Khan sings on this song, and she's obviously the best thing about it. It's not great, but it's enjoyable enough.

Bananarama -- "Venus" -- September 6, 1986

Speaking of higher loves. Bananarama are obviously having a wonderful time singing this 80s dance version of this song, and who wouldn't? The "she's got it" of the song of course also means "I've got it", hence "I'm your Venus." And Bananarama leans into that in a really fun way. It's a great version of a great song.

Berlin -- "Take My Breath Away" -- September 13, 1986

This is the big love ballad from Top Gun. I have managed to escape ever seeing Top Gun, though I've picked up some ideas about it. Mainly that it's a commercial for the U.S. air force, that Tom Cruise looks blank in it a lot, and that there's some kind of volleyball scene. Before I knew it was a commercial for the U.S. air force and therefore avoided it, I avoided it because of Tom Cruise. He has always been a total cold shower to me. As I've said since I started noticing these things (which was right around 1986), he reminds me of a Ken doll.

So the song. It sounds more like it belongs with a fantasy movie than in a modern military movie. Though I guess Top Gun is a fantasy too. But not the kind in which people usually look through hourglasses. It's a big, emotional ballad. I like it but I don't love it. If it weren't associated with Top Gun possibly I'd like it more.

Huey Lewis and the News -- "Stuck With You" -- September 20, 1986

This is a middle-aged man singing to his middle-aged wife about how he's "happy to be stuck with you." It's like if dad jokes became sentient and got married. It's cute and bouncy, and honestly pretty true-to-life. You can't be all higher love all the time.

Janet Jackson -- "When I Think of You" -- October 11, 1986

If "Nasty" had gotten to #1, it would have taken my "best of the year" spot. Sadly, it didn't, and this was Janet Jackson's first #1. "When I Think of You" is a really good song though. Janet Jackson is the best of the Jacksons and always was in every way. I think she was even a better dancer than Michael. (I don't know about "is", considering her age, but she's still a better artist.) "When I Think of You" is a very simple love song lyrically. When her "world gets crazy," she thinks of you to calm down. If this were easy listening, it would be unbearable. But it's a dance song, and a fun one. There's some great bass and interesting syncopation.

Cyndi Lauper -- "True Colors" -- October 25, 1986

This is such a beautiful song. It's helped me through some rough times ever since it came out -- the tape it's on was one of my first. It's straightforward in both lyrics and music, so there's not much to say about it besides that it's a great song.

Boston -- "Amanda" -- November 8, 1986

I am listening to this song now, and I don't recognize it. When they get to the chorus near the end it sounds kinda familiar, but I'm not sure that's because I recognize this song in particular, or because it sounds like every song like this in existence was put in a blender and this is the resulting slurry. Either this wasn't played on the radio much where I lived, or I changed the channel as soon as it was. It wants to be a power ballad, but it's an absolute nothing.

The Human League -- "Human" -- November 22, 1986

I guess it's an apology song, but "I'm only human" doesn't sit right with me as a real apology for something truly bad. He cheated on her. Which I do consider forgivable, depending on the circumstances and apology, but his is that she wasn't around so he was driven to cheat on her. And he should forgive her because he's "only human." Then the woman comes in and says she cheated on him too when they were apart, because she's human too. That makes the song tolerable. Maybe they need an open relationship. They still both sound whiny. And I don't like the music. It's boring and repetitive.

Bon Jovi -- "You Give Love a Bad Name" -- November 29, 1986

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! I love this song. Also I thought Jon Bon Jovi was hot at the time, though nowadays that 80s perm is hilarious. His voice is still hot though (so is he nowadays, grey hair and all, with his more contemporary haircut.) This song got plenty of radio play. Still does. And deserves it. It's technically a heartbreak song I suppose, but the video gets it right: It's Bon Jovi goofing around on stage in front of a joyous crowd. I love the bass, I love the guitars, and I did mention Jon Bon Jovi's voice is hot, right? Voices over looks every time for me, though both together is obviously welcome.

Peter Cetera and Amy Grant -- "The Next Time I Fall" -- December 6, 1986

Christian fundies had a deep and abiding hatred for Peter Cetera. Maybe they still do. I encountered this multiple times online over the years, and finally looked it up -- it's because of this song. Amy Grant used to be a singer of Christian music only. Then she had a pop hit with this dweeb, and certain usual suspects decided she was being corrupted by him.

The only way this song could corrupt anyone is if they started smashing things because they were so bored. The narrators have been heartbroken but are gonna try it again with each other, and it's as passionless as possible. Amy Grant's a better singer than Cetera by a ways, as she does not sing through her nose, but it's not like anyone could elevate this sludge.

Bruce Hornsby and the Range -- "The Way It Is" -- December 13, 1986

People are racist and treat poor people like shit. And people say that's just the way it is, but don't you believe them. This is true. We have come incredibly far, and things change. It's a good sermon, but as a song it's too simplistic for me, both musically and lyrically. I agree with the sentiment, but it's not a song I really want to listen to either.

The Bangles -- "Walk Like an Egyptian" -- December 20, 1986

Of course I loved this song when I was a kid, all the kids did. But I was already a Bangles fan. I had their first tape, which is their best and has the least pop sheen. I would prefer "Hero Takes a Fall" had been a big hit, but oh well. "Walk Like an Egyptian" is still fun.

BEST OF 1986 -- "These Dreams" by Heart  WORST OF 1986 -- "Sara" by Starship

[multisfabulis]

Clairvoyant Rain

Word Count: 3038

TW: Implied self-harm, implied/referenced past child abuse

Can you believe it's been about a year since I last wrote these two? It's not that I don't have much to write about, I just haven't had the time to do so! Between working on Corona's Shadow, working on the backburner project you'll get to see after I post chapter 2 of "Love's Descent into Madness", and dealing with IRL stuff, RLD has kinda fallen to the wayside. I can't guarantee I'll work more on it but I'll try my best to!

By the way, the reason this fic exists is because I wanted to write soft Luce/Ravi and this song was my inspiration for it!

Read on AO3 | Read on DA | Support me on Ko-fi!

     Ravi tiredly opened his eyes and immediately regretted it. He hoped it would be morning so this wouldn’t happen but alas… It was still dark, the neon lights outside pouring in from the window. He could hear rain pattering on the glass as he looked at the digital clock for the time. In bright red numbers read 2:52 AM. Yep, way too early to be up and he fucking hated it.

     All waking up in the middle in the night ever did was ruin his good night’s sleep and make the alarm he set even more unbearable than it already was. If only he could go back to the days before Eli came and fucked everything up. That’d be really nice but because he’s wishing for it, he’ll never get those days back. He turned over onto his side and closed his eyes, wanting to drift back asleep.

     It was a moment later he heard a thunderous roar. His heart hammered against his chest as he shot up in bed. It took him some time to realize it wasn’t stuff being thrown around but something falling on piano keys from a great height. Luce knew better than to be loud when people were sleeping. Something must be happening if he was banging on the piano with no consideration for others.

     Tossing the covers aside, he hurried over to the door and opened it. He found himself face to face with a sleepy Amelia. She had a minor case of bedhead going on as dark pinkish eyes widened upon seeing him. No doubt on why she was up.

     “You heard that, too, right?” he asked quietly.

     Giving him a nod for her answer, he stepped in front and whispered, “All right, I’m gonna go see what’s going on. Stay behind me and don’t make a single peep.”

     They tiptoed down the hallway and he peeked around the corner. He saw Luce hunched over his piano, running his hands through his hair while muttering nonsense under his breath. He seemed to be frustrated, which was a rare state to see him in. His exclamation of “Damn it!” before slamming his hands down on the keys was further proof of it. Hearing the sudden discordant boom from up close startled Amelia as she nearly blew her cover with a stifled gasp.

     Turning around, he crouched down and put a finger to his lips, whispering, “Go back to bed, I’ll talk to Luce and everything will be fine, all right?”

     She nodded and walked back to her room. He watched her go inside and shut the door before deciding on his next course of action. He had an idea as to what was going on and he didn’t want her listening in on them. A girl her age shouldn’t be exposed to such dark things.

     He carefully made his way across the living room, being as quiet as the wind. He glanced over to where Luce’s knife was and grew worried when he saw it. It was laying on top of its sheath, meaning he took it out for a reason. He hoped it wasn’t the reason he was thinking of but he had his doubts. He sat beside the other man on the piano seat, concerned.

     “Luce?” he called out quietly, searching for his eyes. “Is everything all right?”

     Ruby red eyes met his as he replied in a guilty voice, “Snowbird, I, I’m sorry if I woke you up, I just---”

     “No, it’s fine, I’m just--” he tentatively put a hand on his back in an attempt to comfort him-- “I’m just wondering if you’re okay.”

     “Well,” he began, letting out a scoff, “I thought that if I played music for a little bit, I would stop thinking about the bad memories that just popped up out of nowhere but because my hands are shaking so damn bad, I’m not hitting the right keys and that’s pissing me the fuck off.

     “If my hands could just stop shaking, I’d be able to play, because if I don’t play soon, I’m gonna do something I’ll end up regretting and I don’t wanna do that so…” he trailed off, his voice going from a fever pitch to sounding broken.

     He rubbed his hand over his back, hoping to soothe him. It was then he looked down and his worry deepened into alarm. Luce was vigorously scratching at his arm, which was a canvas full of faded scars over pale white skin. Oh, that was definitely not good.

     He couldn’t let his panic get the best of him. It’d only worsen Luce’s already bad state and it was the last thing the both of them needed. He had to stay calm and try to curb his urge to hurt himself. In a way, this was good, because it meant he hadn’t done it yet, if the lack of blood wasn’t an indicator. He could try and talk him out of it so, if it worked, it’d encourage him to resist the temptation in the future.

     Placing a hand atop his to stop his scratching, Ravi asked, “Why don’t we go back to my room and get your mind off this for a little bit, hmm? Would that be okay?”

     “Yeah, that…might be good,” Luce replied, his breathing shaky.

     He helped him up off the seat and led him through the hallway. He held on to his hand the whole time as a means of keeping him grounded. Even so, he kept a close eye on him to make sure Luce was still in the present. It was after he brought him inside his room he saw some improvement in his condition.

     A quiet calm had replaced whatever anger was left in him. His eyes were no longer glassy and his breathing had steadied some. He was still there, he could reach him and not be met with silence.

     Setting him down on the bed, Ravi knelt in front of him and asked, “Are you feeling better?”

     “A little bit,” he replied, letting out a sigh afterwards. “Snowbird, listen, I’m sorry for making you have to take care of me and---”

     “Hey, hey, hey, none of that, all right?” He reached up to cup his cheek. “You’re not a burden to me, Luce. I know this is a new thing for both of us but I’ll be there for you, okay? Whatever it is, I’ll be there so…remember that.”

     With the ghost of a smile, Luce took hold of his hand and kissed the back of his fingers. His lips curled into a small smile of his own at the display. At least it showed he meant what he said by feeling a bit better. He retracted his hand and stood up with a huff, sitting beside him on the bed.

     “So, do you wanna talk about it?” he asked, leaning forward to see his face.

     Watching the small trace of relief fade away, he quickly added, “It doesn’t have to be about that! It could be about anything you want! Anything that’ll get your mind off that…”

     A huge clap of thunder sounded off in that instant, rattling the whole apartment. The loud boom caused his heart to stop for a split second before resuming. He turned to face the window to see if the power had gone out from that. Nope, the stupid neon signs from across the street were still on so that’s that.

     “Jesus Christ, that was loud. You okay after hearing that, Lu---”

     He turned around to check on him and fell silent. Luce was leaning back on the bed, his eyes closed as if he were listening to the downpour outside. What really stunned him was the expression on his face. He looked…content, no signs of stress or detachment present. Just peace and serenity, things he never thought he’d ever see on him, at least not for a long time.

     “Luce?”

     As if he just remembered he wasn’t alone, Luce straightened up and said, “Sorry, I just got…entranced listening to the rain.”

     “You actually like this shitty weather?” he asked incredulously. No normal person would like this kind of weather. Then again, he’s forgetting that Luce isn’t normal by any stretch of the imagination.

     “I love it, it’s very special to me,” he replied. “Have I not told you this?”

     “No, and we’ve been going out for how long?”

     “Do you wanna know why, then? I think you’ll have somewhat of an idea when I tell you I began to love the rain on that night.”

     It took him longer than it should’ve to realize what he meant. The night he became truly free from his shackles, the night he… That already told him just a hint of the significance rain carried for Luce. He may not have understood why it was so special but it was cruel of him to mock that which he clearly loved so…

     “That night, after I did what I did,” Luce began, a tone of reminiscence held in his voice, “I went outside. I looked up and there were dark storm clouds coming in and before I knew it, it started pouring down rain. The moment I felt those raindrops hit me, I knew…I’d be okay.

     “I had been so numb, numb to everything that touched me. The beatings my father would give me, the kisses my mother would give me, I felt none of it for so long. That rain was the first thing I felt in such a long time and…I cried. I could finally feel something and I was happy, I was…alive. I think, in that moment, the rain washed away not only the blood but my ‘self’. That was when I became Luce.”

     “When you say that, do you mean you weren’t called Luce before?” Ravi asked, confused by his wording.

     “You really think my parents gave enough of a shit about me to give me a name?” he replied with a sardonic smile. “I was called either some of the worst things you’d ever say to a kid or fake pet names. I found the name Lucian when I was 11 or 12 but I only really embraced it when I was 15.

     “Anyway, ever since then, I’ve always taken rain as a sign of good luck.” He laid back on the bed, his arms folded under his head. “If it rains, that means something good will happen.”

     No wonder why Luce liked rain so much. It represented freedom, it made him feel alive when death wanted to take him, it gave him a life. It was hard to say whether it played a role in the two of them crossing paths but the universe was funny like that. Whatever it may be, Luce was here now and maybe it was fate that he woke up to help him through a bad time.

     “So what’s the best thing the rain’s ever brought you?” he asked, curious to know his answer.

     “Hmm…” Luce looked as if he was deep in thought before replying, “I’d say it was meeting you. It was raining the day we met.”

     Feeling heat rush to his cheeks, he attempted to deflect that by saying, “Maybe you should go up to the roof and soak in the rain for a little while because I highly doubt that I’m the best thing rain’s brought you.”

     Without missing a beat, he countered that with, “It was raining the day I realized I loved you, too.”

     “Oh, come on, that’s not even fucking fair!” he exclaimed, his whole face now warm to the touch. “What the hell do I say to argue against that?!”

     Luce’s laughter at his expense made him turn away from him. He really should’ve known better than to degrade himself around Luce. He refused to allow him to believe there was nothing good about him and it annoyed the fuck out of him. He knew it was because he loved him and wanted to prove him wrong but still. It was rather touching to know how far he’d go but he’d never admit that out loud.

     After catching his breath, Luce took hold of Ravi’s wrist and, in a tender voice, said, “I love you.”

     “...I love you too,” he answered back, defeated. Luce knew exactly what to say to put an end to his self-loathing. It was so rare of him to say “I love you” first so of course he’d say it. “Can I kiss you?”

     He sat up, leaned in close, and replied, “Yes.”

     Ravi closed his eyes and bridged the gap between them. Luce parted his lips just a fraction, kissing him back with chasteness. It was a simple kiss that only lasted a few seconds before they pulled away, Ravi exhaling out a breath. He quickly stood up as he shoved down the urge to go in for a second kiss.

     “All right, get the fuck off the bed, I gotta sleep,” he said, stretching his arms up above him. Then he remembered what happened earlier. “You gonna be okay?”

     “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” he replied, standing up as well.

     “You sure? If you want, I can---”

     Luce cut him off with a kiss to the forehead. He pulled away with a fond smile on his face and whispered, “I’ll be okay. Go to bed, Snowbird.”

     Guess that was as good an answer as any. He reluctantly crawled under the covers and looked at the clock for the time. 3:43 AM in dull red numbers. God, did they really spend almost an hour just talking about the rain? There went his full night’s sleep but he’d learn to deal with it.

     His eyes wandered over to Luce. He wasn’t sure if it’d really be okay for him to sleep while he might still be in need of help. He seemed to be getting on now but it had only been an hour since everything and there was no telling of the future. In the end, he had to trust Luce to come to him if he needed him. Exhaustion swept over him like a wave and he struggled to stay awake.

     “Goodnight, Luce.”

     “Goodnight, Snowbird.”

     And he was out like a light.

     It was morning when he woke up next. He must’ve overslept because he could hear the sounds of rush hour outside his apartment. His alarm didn’t go off so it must’ve been switched off at some point last night. Good thing Luce did it on the weekend; otherwise, he’d be in a panic, trying to make up for lost time. He attempted to turn over but was stopped by an arm around his waist.

     It was then he found Luce curled up next to him, soundly asleep. He was taken aback by this display. Him being asleep was a rare enough sight on its own but him sleeping beside him on the bed was virtually unheard of. The only other time they were like this was the first night they slept together. He wasn’t able to do it before, due to the circumstances, but he could do it now.

     He brushed strands of hair away from Luce’s face, admiring his beauty. He looked so peaceful, so…vulnerable, an impossibility made real. It’s not like he hadn’t seen other sides of Luce. There was the crooked smile and glint in his eyes when he was playful and the furrowed brow and emotionless voice when he was serious. Yet the tranquil and unguarded Luce before him was like a secret he was finally let in on.

     Was his trust in him so deep, he felt like he could do this with him? It had to be if this was happening and Ravi was…happy. Knowing the kind of life Luce had before meeting him, before he knew what freedom was, he was so glad that Luce was letting himself be like this around him. He wondered if maybe, just maybe, he felt safe while in his presence. If so, then…

     He carded his fingers through dark locks, bringing him in close. He decided to bask in the morning sun with him in the little time he had before needing to get up. He softly kissed Luce’s temple and brought him even closer. Their faces were mere inches apart as he shut his eyes. The last thing he could’ve swore he saw was the corner of his mouth curve up into a small smile.

[allie1804-fan]

The Middle of the Road (Chapter 16)

Chapter 1,  2,  3,  4,  5,  6,  7,  8 , 9, 10, 11 , 12,  13  14 , 15

Warnings: None

September 2024 – Toronto Emily and Keanu flopped down on the bed in their room at the apartment they were renting in Toronto for the week of The Toronto International Film Festival. They had just arrived from LA and were travel weary. He had just had his 60th birthday and would be receiving a Tribute award at the festival, a great honour for any film maker but an especially treasured one for Keanu who had grown up in the city. He remembered when the festival used to take place in his neighbourhood of Yorkville in the late 70s so the whole event was very close to his heart.

The whole family had decamped from LA including their Nanny Maria which would enable them to attend the evening events as well as do some promotion.  Keanu had done voice work in a film being premiered there which had a U certificate so they would all attend the afternoon screening. They were taking a bit of a risk with Hannah but Emily or the nanny would be able to take her or Johnny out if either of them got unsettled.

 After they had rested up a bit, they all went out to a local Italian restaurant around the corner from the apartment and enjoyed a simple relatively quick meal before getting the babies back home to bed.  The next morning found Keanu and Emily enjoying some free time looking around his old haunts – he’d shown her his home in Yorkville, his elementary  school, ice hockey stadium, the Leah Poslun Theatre and the location of his first kiss!

 “Right there?”? Emily was pointing with an aghast expression on her face at a dingy alley behind a bike rack at the back of an old Walgreens store.

 “Yup – I know. I’ve got a bit classier in my old age I hope you agree.”

 “And what was her name?”

 “Angela”

 “Now THAT is a 70s name if ever I heard one. I guess at least your name is just totally unique and not linked to an era like some”

 “She was sweet – but not long lasting!”  Anyway, I think that is the complete high, and low, lights for you. We better get back and get  some lunch before this afternoon’s shenanigans”  He was referring to the premiere of his film which was an afternoon affair so kids could attend. Some local children would attend as well as press and the stars and their families. Johnny and Hannah would be there – with the exit strategy of mum or nanny if it was too much. They had watched films at home and had quite good attention spans but Hannah had only been in a movie theatre once and so was a bit if an unknown quantity behaviour wise.

It was also to be their first red carpet as a family. They had kept the children well shielded so far but, accepting that  complete privacy wasn’t realistic, they had decided to attend this premiere all together. They all dressed in smart casual clothes rather than the suits and ballgown style of Oscars and that was needed given they would have the kids next to them snacking on ice cream! The press and fans were enthralled with the kids, both dark haired and with big brown eyes strongly favouring Keanu but with the delicacy of Emily’s features. After letting her walk on wobbly legs for a little while, Keanu scooped Hannah up and carried her while Emily walked with Jonathan and Marie brought the buggy and a change bag just in case. Hannah loved waving at everyone and fans called her name which made her laugh. Johnny joined in with waving too, sensing that this was something special but not really at all clear what. It was going to be a while before they understood that their Dad wasn’t just special to them!

The kids enjoyed the film and made it through the whole hour and half without a melt down to everyone’s relief.

That evening Emily and Keanu appeared on a panel about a project they were working on together. There were inevitable questions about how husband and wife could work together which they fended off deftly  - working together was after-all how they met and it felt easy compared to parenting and they were glad to keep the topic work focussed.  In the next couple of days they each took part in other promo for their work and had a meal out, just the two of them.  There they talked about the award show that would be the following night.

                                                            “You nervous?” Emily asked as she sipped her coffee.

“Am I ever!” He groaned. “All that intention is intense – I’m used to parts of it – the red carpet, the photos, being filmed in the audience, even being on stage handing out awards or receiving a less significant gong but such focus, and a speech – phew, it’s crazy”

“It’s what you deserve honey, you know that inside don’t you”

 He shook his head,

 “It’s an honour, such an honour but, no,  I don’t know it – it just feels surreal”

 “Well just try to enjoy it if you can, hun – OK?, Want to run through the speech back at the apartment?”

 “Sure, that would be great to have a writer’s input”

 The award day came and they passed as much of it as they could focussing on the kids, taking them to one of the lakeside beaches for playtime and a picnic but eventually time came for the ‘dressing up game’  as Keanu called it. Both of them would spend a few hours being “made beautiful” for the cameras with stylists primping and polishing their hair, clothes and make up to within an inch of their lives. They left the children with Maria and they would tune in later to see Mommy and Daddy on the TV walking the red carpet.

Emily was wearing a stunning sleeveless, full length taffeta gown in red and her birthday necklace to match her ruby engagement ring and Keanu was in the tux he’d worn to the 2020 Oscars.  Emily’s palms were sweaty even before they left to go to the theatre. She’d attended public occasions before where there were paparazzi but only one awards show about 4 years ago so she was nervous of the attention, especially as the news of their marriage was still quite fresh.

As they climbed out of the car, Keanu whispered in her ear  “Just imagine everyone naked”  before they started to make their way up the red carpet, making her giggle and relax just a little.

“I feel like the wives in Apollo 13, if they ask me anything. I’ll just say “I’m proud, happy and thrilled”

“Are you likening me getting an award to going to the moon or a life-threatening mission?!”

“the former for you and maybe the latter for me!”

At first she held Keanu’s arm in a death grip but gradually she relaxed especially as she saw the smiling faces in the crowd and she saw Keanu relax too, signing photos, DVDs and books and posing for photos. Several fans encouraged her to pose alongside him, surprising her.  It seemed some people were happy to see him happy with his marriage and kids and thus welcomed her with open arms.

There were a few reporters on the red carpet who stopped them for a few words. Keanu made her laugh, though she tried to hold it in, when he responded to the question of how he was feeling to be receiving the Tribute Award.

“Well I’m proud, happy and thrilled” he said, giving Emily a wink which made the laughter bubble to the surface. They moved on and at last made it into the auditorium and were shown to their seats.

There were several other awards before his but at last it was time for his big moment.

The presentation started with a show reel with clips from his most famous movies as well as some of his lesser known early ones which made him blush. He leaned over and whispered to Emily

“At least they’re not showing the Coke and cornflakes ads!”

After the reel, there were some video clips from some of his directors and co-stars praising – his work, his character and his work ethic. There was Chad Stahelski, Sandy Bullock, Carrie-Ann Moss and Lilly Wachowski. Then it was time for the award  itself which Lana Wachowski presented. As he walked up to the stage, the whole auditorium stood, clapping and cheering. He was right, Emily thought, this was really overwhelming! She dabbed a tear away as he took his place at the podium and took a moment to let the applause fade.

“Firstly let me say a huge thank you for this great, great honour  - to receive this in the city where I spent my formative years is really very special so thank you.”

More applause erupted then quickly subsided allowing him to continue.

“I owe this award to many other people  - first and foremost,  I’d like to pay tribute to my mom for believing in me all those years ago when I asked her one day, would it be ok if I was an actor and  she simply said ‘whatever you want son’.

And thanks must also go of course to the teachers and directors at the schools where I did plays and at the Leah Posluns Theatre where I really began to learn my craft-  thank you for lighting the fire.

Looking back, the reel you showed just now only served to remind me how much I love movies. And a key reason over the years for that love and indeed for much of my success has been the joy of collaboration when making them. Collaboration with many wonderful directors, actors, cinematographers, stunt coordinators, make-up artists, caterers, runners to name but a few is what I thrive on. And they have all made me look good.  And I know sometimes I’ve made my fellow actors look good too by how bad I was! Special thanks to Winona and Gary in that regard!

And I can’t forget the writers, for one thing my wife would never forgive me if I didn’t give them a mention.”

Keanu looked over and caught Emily’s eye as she sat in the front row beaning with pride.

“Writers have gifted me some amazing, memorable characters, some of them coming back time and again  like Ted, Neo and John Wick.  And I think special thanks are due for all the Johns, Johnny’s and Jacks and the quarterback punks that have been a recurring theme for me and such fun to play.

So I love movies and I love the opportunity they give me to tell stories.

But this year, as I hit a big milestone birthday,  I am in a new phase in my life and I’m planning on being focussed less on the stories in films and more on my own story.  Over the years, my fellow actors and the crews have been like family to me, a band of brothers and sisters if you will.  But 5 years ago I met and fell in love with a wonderful woman and she became my family.  Then 2 years ago we became parents - and now there are 4 of us. And this year  I also became a husband - in all these things as you can probably tell I was a late starter!

So whilst I’m not retiring,  going forward I can’t and I don’t want to be the man who  is all work and no play.  I want to be with my beautiful  wife and my kids as they grow and play my part in guiding them in their lives, in their story.

And hopefully, I’ll bring the riches of that experience of being a parent and a husband to my future roles.

Thank you”

There was rapturous applause at this end to his speech and Emily found herself crying once again at his very public commitment to a more balanced life for them all going forward.

Keanu took his leave, heading back stage where there would be a few interviews to do before he could re-join Emily and head onto the after-party.  There was a brief break in proceedings and Emily made her way back stage to meet up with him.

Keanu was just taking his leave from one of the news teams  when he glimpsed Emily weaving her way between the throngs of stage hands, actors and publicists.

He headed in her direction and indicated a small alcove to the side to aim for. She reached it first and waited for him to join her, his progress being slowed by people stopping to congratulate him on his award and speech. When he finally got there, she threw he arms around his neck.

“That was, just, just”

“Wow  have I actually rendered you speechless?” he laughed.

“You didn’t share THAT part of the speech!”

“You mean the bit about marrying a wonderful woman and sharing my story with her?”

“yes that part, you sneaky devil, you made me cry”

“Happy tears I hope?”

“Yes!” she smiled planting a kiss on his smiling lips.

@penwieldingdreamer @fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @ladyreapermc @witty-wallflower @gatsbynouvel @bitchyslut99 @keanureevesisbae @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @kindainlovewithkeanu @paperplanesandwallflowers

[haosvteen]

send your requests!!

a/n: send in a number with a member and i will write it :) feel free to send in more than one number! i can also do these at a text au! love you all <3 (there’s 265 prompts so a lot to choose from)

masterlist

Angst:

1: “ Not you again.. ”

2: “ Leave me alone. ”

3: “ Why do you hate me? ” 

4: “ I thought you loved me. ”

5: “ I don’t need you anymore. ” 

6: “ I can’t believe you! ” 

7: “ We can't keep this up forever. ”

8: “ Don’t leave me… ”

9 “ I never meant to hurt you. ”

10: “ Are you upset with me? ”

11: “ I wish I’d never met you. ”

12: “ Please don’t hurt me like this. ”

13: “ Thanks for nothing. ”

14: “ Don't call this number again. “

15: “ You need to leave. ”

16: “ I’m sick. ”

17: “ There was never an us. ” 

18: “ So that’s it? It’s over? ”

19: “ I came to say goodbye. ”

20: “ I don’t deserve to be loved. ”

Love:

21: “ I’m so in love with you. ” 

22: “ Isn’t this amazing? ”

23: “ I wish we could stay like this forever. ”

24: “ Will you marry me? ”

25: “ I need a hug. ”

26: “ You’re special to me. ”

27: “ I’m going to keep you safe. ”

28: “ Do you trust me? ”

29: “ Can I kiss you right now? ”

30: “ You’re cute when you’re angry. ”

31: “ We’d make such a cute couple. ”

32: “ Can we cuddle? ” 

33: “ It’s lonely here without you. ” 

34: “ I can’t stand the thought of losing you. ”

35: “ Shut up and kiss me already. ”

36: “ Are you flirting with me? ” 

37: “ Is that my shirt? ”

38: “ You own my heart. ” 

39: “ I want to protect you. ” 

40: “ What's the matter? ” 

41: “ Did you do something different with your hair? ” 

42: “ Stop being so cute. ” 

43: “ You’re making me blush! ” 

44: “ You’re teasing me again… ” 

45: “ They’re going to love you, don’t worry! ” 

46: “ Oh, Are you ticklish? ” 

47: “ Of course I remembered! ” 

48: “ You’re one hell of a girl. ” 

49: “ Are you jealous? ” 

50: “ Hold me and never let me go. ” 

51: “ Stop hogging all the blankets! ” 

52: “Let's run away together. ”

General:

53: “ Catch me if you can! ” 

54: “ I’m fine. ” 

55: “ Are you drunk? ” 

56: “ We can't go in there… ” 

57: “ Give it back! ” 

58: “ Well this is just great. ” 

59: “ Don’t touch me. ”  

60: “ Not sure if you could tell, but I’m not exactly a people person. ”

61: “ This was fun— Let's do it again sometime!” 

62: “ I didn’t do it! ” 

63: “ I did it… ” 

64: “ I don’t remember that! ” 

65: “ Well that’s pretty rude of you to say. ” 

66: “ Get that thing away from me! ” 

67: “ You owe me. ” 

68: “ Why are you naked? ” 

69: “ You did what?! ” 

70: “ You have… Superpowers? ” 

71: “ Why are you bleeding? ” 

72: “ Don’t make me come over there myself! ” 

73: “ That wasn’t funny. ” 

74: “ This tastes horrible. ” 

75: “ This is delicious! ” 

76: “ Are you mad at me? ” 

77: “ Stop ignoring me… ” 

78: “ I love that show too! ” 

79: “ Can I borrow that book of yours?” 

80: “Let's blow this joint. ” 

81: “ Let me help you with that. ” 

82: “ Take that back! ” 

83: “ Wanna go see a movie with me? ” 

84: “ No way, that’s so lame. ” 

85: “ What are you listening to? ” 

86: “ I brought you your coffee. ”

87: “ Run! ” 

88: “Let's run away together. ”

89: “ I haven’t slept in four days… ” 

90: “ Your turn to do the dishes. ” 

91: “ Was I really that drunk? ” 

92: “Give me back my phone! ” 

93: “ Are you cold? ” 

94: “ This place gives me the creeps. ” 

95: “ I swear my house is haunted. ” 

96: “ Did you hear that? ” 

97: “ It’s just your imagination. ” 

98: “ Just how stupid do you think I am? ” 

99: “ Go back to bed. ” 

100: “ Are you okay? ” 

101: “ Thanks for helping me back there. ” 

102: “ Since when have we ever been friends? “ 

103: “ What on earth are you wearing? ” 

104: “ I can’t feel my legs! ” 

105: “ Put me down! ” 

106: “ There’s only one bed… ” 

107: “ It isn’t what it looks like! Okay.. Maybe it is… ” 

108: “ I read your diary. ” 

109: “ This is awkward. ” 

110: “ Do you think you can teach me that? ”

111: “That’s starting to get annoying.”

112: “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

113: “I’m too sober for this.”

114: “I’m not here to make friends.”

115: “I need a place to stay.”

116: “Well, that’s tragic.” Jun

117: “You’re seriously like a man-child.”

118: “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”

119: “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”

120: “Dear Diary…”

121: “She’s hiding behind the sofa.”

122: “They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”

123: “I’d kill for a coffee…literally.”

124: “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”

125: “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

126: “What’s the matter, sweetie?”

127: “You’re Satan.”

128: “I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”

129: “I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”

130: “Did you just hiss at me?”

131: “Do you really need all that candy?”

132: “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”

133: “I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”

134: “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”

135: “No. Regrets.”

136: “I haven’t slept in ages.”

137: “I locked the keys in the car.”

138: “Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”

139: “Take your medicine.”

140 “They’re monsters.”

141: “Welcome to fatherhood.”

142: “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”

143: “It’s your turn to make dinner.”

144: “The kids, they ambushed me.”

145: “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!”

146: “Stop being so cute.”

147: “I feel like I can’t breathe.”

148: “You need to see a doctor.”

149: “It was a joke, baby. I swear.”

150: “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic.”

151: “Safety first. What are you? FIVE?”

152: “This is girl talk, so leave.”

153: “You’re a nerd.”

154: “I’m late.”

155: “Just get home as soon as possible, okay?”

156: “You smell like a wet dog.”

157: “I could punch you right now.”

158: “Are you going to talk to me?”

159: “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”

160: “If you can’t sleep…we could have sex?”

161: “Here, take my blanket.”

162: “I don’t want you to stop.”

163: “How could I ever forget about you?”

164: “You’re bleeding all over my carpet.”

165: “Run for it!”

166: “We need to talk.”  

167: “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”

168: “I’m not wearing a dress.”

169: “I’m not wearing a tie.”

170: “Don’t argue. Just do it.”

171: “I hope I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”

172: “Hold still.”

173: “I just ironed these pants.”

174: “Enough with the sass!”

175: “Show me what’s behind your back.”

176: “I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor.”

177: “Stay awake.”

178: “STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”

179: “You’re not interested, are you?”

180: “I’m not buying Ikea furniture again.”

181: “Tell me you need me.”

182: “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”

183: “I’m telling you. I’m haunted.”

184: “I had a bad dream again.”

185: “It’s Christmas, don’t be mad at me.”

186: “What did I say about doing reckless things without me? It’s less fun, isn’t it?”

187: “Okay, that is exactly what we are not going to do.”

188: “Can you chill for one minute? I want to get ice cream.”

189: “You want me to kill them? I’m free Tuesday.”

190: “If we weren’t in a small diner, I would have killed you by now.”

191: “Oh sorry, I just don’t care.”

192: “Ever just laugh because your life is a joke?”

193: “Was that your attempt to kill me? Cute.”

194: “You act like I’m doing this to be a jerk, but I swear I’m not. I want you to be safe more than anything.”

195: “Are you mocking me?”

196: “Oh sorry, did I forget to tell you?”

197: “You look like you need a band-aid.”

198: “Can you calm down for one second? I’m trying to save us.”

199: “I kinda wanna go get ice cream, but I also kinda wanna throw an ax.”

200: “You talk a lot of trash for someone with such a breakable neck.”

NSFW: 201: “ Bite me. ” 

202: “ Fuck me. ” 

203: “ Do you like it when I touch you like that?” 

204: “ Okay.. This is new. ” 

205: “ Want to head back to my place and have a little fun? ” 

206: “ You’re in trouble now. ” 

207: “ What a pretty sight. ” 

208: “ Bend over. ” 

209: “ On your knees. ” 

210: “ The food looks great but... There’s something much more delicious i’d like

to eat right now. ” 

211: “ Lay back. ” 

212: “ Take off your clothes. ” 

213: “ Well, fine; just this once. ” 

214: “ I’m waiting. ” 

215: “ You’re so beautiful. ” 

216: “ As you wish. ” 

217: “ First one to make a noise loses.” 

218: “ You have no idea what you do to me. ” 

219: “ If you’re bored; Wanna have sex? ” 

220: “ I've wanted this for so long. ” 

221: “ Car sex looks so much easier in the movies. ” 

222: “ Can I touch you? ” 

223: “ Open up. ” 

224: “ No strings attached. ” 

225: “ Already? Do I really have that much of an effect on you? ” 

226: “ Mine. ” 

227: “ The nights still young. ” 

228: “ We can't do that here! ”

229: “ Behave. ” 

230:“ What did you just say? ” 

231: “ Good girl. ”

232: “ Come here. ”

Soulmate AUs:

233: You get a craving for whatever your soulmate is eating at the time.

234: You have the first words your soulmate says to you somewhere on your

body (and vice versa).

235: You have your soulmate’s name somewhere on your body.

236: Everyone is able to see each other’s aura. You and your soulmate have the same-colored aura, and you will stop seeing auras completely after you meet them.

237: You can communicate telepathically with your soulmate.

238: Your internal voice is the voice of your soulmate’s, rather than your own.

239: You can feel what your soulmate is feeling (and vice versa).

240: Anything you draw/write on your own skin appears on your soulmate’s.

241: You have tattoo(s) of the things your soulmate loves.

242: You have a compass on your body that leads you to where your soulmate is.

243: If you dye your hair, your soulmate’s hair color changes as well.

244: You have the date that you’ll meet your soulmate tattooed somewhere on your body.

245: You have a tattoo that changes color depending on what your soulmate is feeling.

246: You share a dream with your soulmate when you’re both asleep.

247: Everyone has a journal that allows them to write back and forth with their soulmate.

248: The outline of your shadow is your soulmate.

249: You have a tattoo of how old your soulmate will be when you meet.

250: You have a tattoo of your soulmate’s initials.

251: Every so often you will get flashes of what your soulmate is seeing at the time, however, your soulmate does not know when it happens.

252: You will receive the same injuries as your soulmate (unless deadly).

253: You can taste what your soulmate is eating at the time.

254: You get flowered tattoos wherever your soulmate receives a scar.

255: Once a year, starting on your 16th birthday, soulmates swap bodies for a day if they have not met yet.

256: Your chest will glow when you get close to your soulmate.

257: You and your soulmate share the same talents. What one learns, the other can also do.

258: If your soulmate is listening to music, you can hear it too, and it gets louder the closer you are to them.

259: The closer you are to your soulmate, the more color you can see. The farther away, the fewer colors.

260: Your heart beats your soulmate’s name in morse code.

261: The name of your soulmate appears on your skin after you meet them.

262: You are deaf until you meet your soulmate, whose voice is the first thing you hear.

263: You can only see color when you and your soulmate are touching.

264: You are born with the fingerprints of your soulmate somewhere on your body.

265: Your soulmate’s current thoughts about you will show up on your skin for a short while.