#bro has mommy issues SQUARED

[phoenix--flying]

my ta nemesis kids are a silly lil bunch

[doukeshi-kun]

Haiii ^-^☆ cute face annon (ִ•᷄‎ࡇ•᷅) here!!

I wanted to share some cute and not so cute hcs that I have of our muse (Nikolai) :3

I talked a lot about him with curly or wavy hair and hzoakabsks I'm crazy about this hc!!!!! I love it when artists draw him with his hair like this and not with straight licked hair full of straightening

Nikolai would definitely be MUSCULAR imagine him having a chiseled body but not that much but enough to have defined abs and booba (🤤) I also think his thighs also have some muscles too duuhh and i fantasize a lot about him having a big ass...

OH OH AND HE ALSO HAS SLIGHTLY SPLIT TEETH!!! IT MUST BE SO CUTE HIM LAUGHING AND SMILING LIKE AN INSANE MANIAC AND THEN HAS 2 TEETH SEPARATED IN FRONT SAYING 'HAIII >.<' AND AND THEY ARE HXISJSBAOA CUTIES !!! Obviously it wouldn't be something that separate, but just a little bit that doesn't harm our boy.

he also has several scars all over his body and I think that in addition to the scar on his eye he has a small one on his mouth.. and the skin on his face is smooth and soft, I think he would have some small acne scars and small pores near the nose, but nothing that is frightening !!!

the hairs that grow on his body are white like his hair and are slightly curly, but they are not thick and not in great quantity, he has a little on his arms and legs, on his chest and a happy trail that goes from his navel to his glock, but he always trims them, but they're a charm too...

idk why but i think he would wear lip gloss or mascara...

he came from a poor family but I don't think he had mommy/daddy issues, it was a happy family until something happened, obviously. I also think that everyone in his family is beautiful, mainly his mom, his mother must have such big tits...

i think it would be wrong for me to hcs that he is neurodivergent because some people might think i'm 'romanticizing' or something, but for me he definitely has adhd and something like borderline...

more hcs soon (＞。☆) ~

first, about the hair — yeah i agree his hair isn't fully straight. i mean, the man isn't straight himself so🤷🏻‍♀️ and i find messy hair suits him and men more bcs they look sexy ehe

i don't think nikolai is muscular as fuck like toji ehgehehs but he does have refined muscles. not too obvious and not too subtle. it's there and firm. but i think his upper body is smaller than his lower half. like man got thighs. MAN GOT DEM THIGHS. HE CLENCHES HIS BALLS WITH HIS THIGHS WHEN HE SITS

and his ass will look square. idk dude's asses always look square asf. we can do pythagoras theorem on their asses

i think he has sharp canine teeth too. would look cuter.

and i agree with the acne scars hsgdhshs maybe not too obvious bcs i believe nikolai likes to make sure he looks clean as much as possible. maybe the area around his right eye is cleaner than any of the part on his face because he tends to cover it with his eyepatch.

HAPPY TRAIL hsgshshdjs nikolai's happy trail makes everyone happy <3 and yeh i don't think he shaves his body hair 100% smooth. he just trims it. maybe braids it too if he's feeling goofy

i don't think he wears mascara. but lip balm and lip gloss is likely. i think he likes the taste of flavoured lip gloss and sometimes he unconsciously licks his lips when he wears it (no i am NOT projecting😤)

he doesn't look like someone who has mommy/daddy issues, yeah. i do think he comes from poor family or at least, a family with unfortunate situation. i am not sure if his family is loving, but it's a nice possibility! not every morally grey character needs tragic family to justify their action and i think it will be beautiful regardless to his character if it's revealed that he suddenly feels living is brainwashing and decides to murder people to prove himself

and idk bout his mom uh you do you ig

i'm not sure he's neurodivergent. i don't wanna say something about the topic bcs i am not neurodivergent (or maybe i am idfk bro i don't go to doctors, i believe in warm lemon tea and ointment oil to cure flu so)

[asumofwords]

Bitter tea LET'S GOOOO 👀⁉️

And just when I thought aemond would stop seeing alys even when he visits harrenhal for other stuff he goes right back to her! I wonder if he will do anything once he realises that alys is getting in the way of the reader (fakely) loving him (cause I remember he was all simpy like 'i won't let anyone get in between us' in earlier chapters), like the reader can twist and manipulate threads into the situation seeming that way 😳

Honestly I believe aemond would've discarded her if she wasn't a witch, he's there for that extra futuristic reassurance from her (prophecies and all) and also mommy issues! I hate alys for the main reason that she gives aemond pleasure, he deserves NONE, he only deserves pain❗but the reader is suffering ugh, at this point I volunteer to be the reader's paramour (self-love???? LMFAO me x myself), I literally would simp for alys if she makes aemond suffer 🥺

Also the poor reader feeling like she's a whore made me feel so bad for her, she did something she would never do just to sway him towards her, only for aemond to jump back to square one, it's gonna be trial and error but I hope she doesn't back down! Gotta milk the fuck out of aemond cause he's such a powerful pawn rn.

Also I was going to write at the beginning of the chapter about how you should make the reader and aemond do the deed in the 69 position next chapter cause it will be chapter 69 (I KNOW THE JOKE IS CHILDISH BUT IT'S SO SILLY😭😭) but then the ending 😨😨

why do all of my asks get long bro, I'm so sorry 😭

I love these long ass asks like you wouldn’t believe !!! 😂

Aegon is definitely sending Aemond to Harrenhal for no reason but to start drama between reader and cyclops 🤪😂 Aegon you messy bitch!

If reader continued with the path she’s going on she could get Aemond to do anything for her. This man is a Grade A Simp. Man is obsessive, protective and jealous, what more could we need ?

Alys giving Aemond the mummy reassurance that he so desperately needs makes me giggle 😭 like he clearly has a mummy kink… and I kinda wanna write a chapter on it LMAO 😭💀

Chapter 69 lmao 😂😭

[fratboykate]

Me: Ohhh Papi posted a new thing, let's read it

I see that they are playing at cold war, noice, wait, Yelena is the one caving???? *Grabs popcorn* omg!!!!! Yelena calls and Kate acts like an ass Me: damn girl, you still hurt? Bitch, she is trying, did your nascar wordvomiting brain crash? This is what you wanted, her, trying cuts to her birthday in london Me: can't focus the entire conversation thinking Kate is gonna get shanked or robbed, or both and swearing to santa Cher that this is how the are "getting back together" cut to the video call scene: awnnn, they are talking, this is nice, look, Yelena took her shirt out! Wait, Yelen,-???? GIRL COVER YOURS- KATE NO YOU TOO TALK FEELINGS. Me after I overcome my prude instincts: well, guess Papi caved and is giving the gays everything they want, pain and porn Suze busts inside: Now come on, this is like blue balling twice in the same minute! Is this a crime? Cause it should!!! As Yelena screams in her pillow, so do I, but at my phone

Kate calls Yelena, and they are in the same city!!! This is it fam, she is going for the grand gesture, there will be flowers, apologies, sweet lady kisses as my dear Santana would say, look, Yelena is giving her a gift, one that is thoughful, and that also would nudge Kate to be closer to her, how sweet! See Kate, she is commited, she wants you in her life, it's sweet, im a kinda cunning way, but sweet still. Wait, you still hung up on that train? Girl, now you are unburying fuvk if this word dosen't exist, you are bringing up shit from your past, your mommy issues? Who is your therapist? Bitch, fire them, you need a better one, fuck, hire me my dude, you need to work on your issues, wait, you just gonna leave like that????? LOOK AT HER, SHE IS SAD? Fuck being you therapist, now I am your oponnent bro, square up, say goodbye to your kneecaps beanpole-

Me: okay, let's take a breather, this is it, now come the rainbow, ohhhh Yelena is in New York, aw honey, you shouldn't have done it, there is so little time left, wait,oh, she figured it out how to make it work... How could I have ever doubted her? See Kate, she wants to make it work, now you have too, bitch where are you going? What the fuck are you doing? Dude, is this like, one of your issues, one where you think you don't deserve nice things so you sabotage yourself? God fucking damn it Toyota, look at her, she moved back, she worked it all by herself so she could have a lige with you!!! She even rented a damn cab, just cross the damn line, work it with her, okay, you don't have to do it now, just appear the day she asked you too, it isn't too hard

Kate dosen't show up: loud string of curses, I went from sad to mad and this isn't even a real thing but god, I wish she was shanked now, damn idiot, utter fool, you are lucky SHE didn't divorce you, mula teimosa da peste

Well, I am exausted dude, this shit felt so real, it drained all my energy, like, I could see myself in Kate, giving up on my relationship with someone I love,but we all know there is a point when love isn't enough anymore, so you kinda drown, and you start fucking up, things start to rot a bit, and if you don't take care, there won't be nothing left, you brought some shit from deep inside here my dude, I am actually sad, and angry, honestly? Congrats it has been a while since something got me so worked up, enought that I write about it, this was utterly amazing, thank you for sharing

HAHAHAHAHAHA this was a masterpiece. I love a good play by play. Thank you.

[calypsoff2]

Seven. Part 2

Watching TJ walk off to go on my jet, oh that wasn’t what I thought was going to happen. I am stood with my mouth hung open in shock, TJ did a u-turn and jogged back over as I am still stood here in utter shock to my core, am I allowing this asshole to be this way. I am only remaining calm for my man; I don’t think he understands that part. I am literally going to go crazy on this man, I am just going crazy “look, I am sorry. I don’t want this beef with you, you’re a sister to me Robyn. I have said things that I don’t mean but I feel attacked, you’re a big persona and I understand you feel like I have done bad by Chris, but I haven’t, I ride for your husband to the end. I love him so much; he has done so much for me, and I am blessed by that. I don’t want this between us because I know you have a lot of power over things” crossing my arms across my chest “what did you come back? To just say that to me?” I am confused “because I feel bad, but I feel like you got beef with me. I have always supported Chris, even with Barry. It’s me that was there for Chris, always. I know how much he loves you, from jump” I need to show him how a real bitch is “didn’t you call me forehead in school? Or was I dreaming that? Didn’t you want me to not be around, you always made jokes about me. You went out of your way to make Chris not see it for me in school. I remember it but I let it go, you were nasty to me. Now you’re the same niggas lusting over me, I suggest you apologise. And you do it in front of Chris. While on the jet I am paying for, got it?” Looking down at him, I am like squaring up to him, but he has angered me a lot. I did like TJ but now he’s being a dick for no reason, he didn’t need to be like this “your husband just came out of hospital and you’re stressing him out? Your lifestyle ruined Barry, and Chris lost him. Still, Chris misses him and you making him do that again? It always makes me think that my friend has any balls, but he just leaves them in your hands, maybe I was right about you then. I am here trying to apologise, and you can’t even accept that. Mel is such a good person to live in your shadow, I know your vibe. Pretty girls are the worst, light skinned ones actually. I don’t really see how you both worked, I don’t get it because my friend, my Chris. He was the boss, and his ego would have overpowered yours, you broke that down. You sat there looking at me like shit; you had no right when I did nothing wrong Chris chose to give me that, we have that bond. We boys, he can speak to me about a lot, I don’t know about you miss busy” oh I want to punch him “can we just get on, sorry” balling my fist up “what is going on here” Jen said, I want to kill him, I really do.

I just felt like I was in school there, I had a major flashback to when I was at school. I didn’t have a good time at school in general, the only time I did have a good time was when Chris was there for me, just honestly it was Chris that made my school life bearable, but it was short lived, and he honestly is a good guy with shit people around him. He was always kind of talked out of being with me, friend wise and he always said it’s because you’re pretty that is why “earth calling Robyn?” Jen said, bringing me back to the fact I am stood in the middle of the hanger, and everyone is on the jet “what happened?” She said again, looking at the jet “just, I.” I paused saying “I don’t know what to do” I openly admitted “about what?” Jen is confused, she doesn’t know what has happened and I don’t blame her “I think we should go on the jet, we can talk then” Jen’ face softened “hey, oh my god. Why are you sad” waving her off “don’t” I said, I don’t need to be crying right at this moment. Suck it up Robyn, Jen held my hand as we made our way to the jet. I don’t want to hold the jet back now, but TJ and I really don’t speak like that anyways. I keep him there and I am here, I don’t agree with Chris paying for him all the time so I just stayed away from the situation and stuck to what I need to do but it’s too much and this really hit home, Camron is not my son and I feel like he’s making jibes at me thinking Camron is owed a life and owed to be in my family because I can’t give Chris that, I am sick “sorry girls” I held the jet up, Rylee looks unimpressed “mommy I want to sit next to daddy, or you are?” Rylee asked, shaking my head “I need to speak to auntie Jen, I’ll be in the back ok. You can sit there” making my way to the back “but Camron is there” I let out a deep sigh, of course he is there “then sit with Tianna, she is watching YouTube” I don’t have the patience to say anything right at this moment, I am just going to snap if I speak on it.

Jen turned to me “speak, what was that all about? All I heard was about having balls and the conversation seemed really deep into it?” I am of course going to tell Jen, that is my best friend, and I will always confide in her “we have the time, so Chris and TJ are friends, you know the whole background on that. They came up together that whole story thing, Chris gave TJ his clothing line to handle which I have no issues with, then move on a few years. Seiko, now this is Chris’ ex that loved him a lot, maybe still does love Chris but she actually got pregnant by TJ to piss Chris off now that shit popped off bad, I remember when it happened. Chris was hurt by it, it’s a bro code thing but it was over with, all forgiven so like we moved on. Seiko was neglecting Camron, I felt bad to hear that. She was using the child maintenance on not so good things but come to think of it, TJ never put them in a nice home. He paid and that’s it, Chris came to me and said I am upset, that is nephew. He comes here and has a good time but goes back to shit, school has been saying he doesn’t go and stuff. So I gave my lawyer, they won the case. Me, I did that, but Chris was happy. Don’t forget Chris has given the business to him, keep that in mind. Now we did this case, my lawyer, my bill. I didn’t get a thanks, no. It was Chris, he said a thanks, but I have other shit going on anyways so it’s whatever. Then Chris tells me oh TJ is living in the apartment complex just down the road, ten minutes away. Oh right ok, oh I erm just helped him to get it. He needs the help; Black Pyramid is behind. I said right, then help him silent partner. So TJ started to sell tees where it had Chris’ face and designs on, they sold out quick and he promoted it, I go Chris is he paying you back, oh yeah yeah. He didn’t, then Chris comes and says Camron is amazing at Basketball, you know people” Jen gasped pointing “you called me to say about the academy, it was for him?” Jen said, nodding my head “mommy I want juice” I was so deep in the conversation “Imani, please go to daddy. Ask him” I want to finish this conversation off.

Nodding my head “it was for him, I helped him. Got him into it, Chris thanked me. And this situation happened because Chris went to the Fenty Christmas party with TJ and Camron, Mel was there. He gave the SUV to them to go home, Mel was unwell apparently. I say that because Mel didn’t say that to me, she said they went out for some food. They went out in that SUV all around New York, knowing Chris needed that SUV, it was his. He got in the Uber because of them, Mel was literally is being shady as fuck about this. But anyways, so deep inside I am fucking angry. I am giving sly looks, TJ caught on. Because why is my husband putting himself out there for a child not his? So TJ pulled me to the side and said you been looking at me crazy, it’s not nice. I said it to him what it is, you are using my man, that is your child. He started speaking on me, he said maybe if you gave him that son” my voice broke “maybe if you give him what he wants maybe he won’t do that, he just started poking at it knowing I lost the baby. Then out there he mentioned it, like sorry I said what I said but me and Chris are close we speak on things. If you give him that, like pressurising me for this” Jen shushed me because my voice is now becoming even more strained “say something?” Jen said “he mentioned I broke their relationship, then leave my husband with no friends. He adores him Jen” her face softened “but you’re his wife” she retorted “and maybe I should have stayed in my place, I shouldn’t have gave him looks, you know” I sniffled “I get it but he has no right to speak on your body, you have lost two babies. That is some nasty ass shit to say, I want to knock his fucking block off” I laughed a little “he wasn’t always a fan of us to be honest, I kind of got in the way in school. It’s just like the same vibe, I kept out of the way, I have been too busy for this shit. Now I am home and here, I see it. I just left it alone, I did” wiping my tears, Jen’ eyes widened looking behind me. Looking to the side of me Chris is just hovering over me. I feel like I got caught “what is happening here?” wiping my tears “we are just having lady talk now Chris, come on” Chris frowned “my wife is crying, why? Robyn why are you crying” now I am panicking because I just don’t want to do this, I am here trying to open up to Jen “Robyn, hey. Talk to me” I can’t, getting up from the seat. He is making me want to cry more “What happened Jen? Robyn” making my way to the toilet, I am not really wanting to speak to Chris.

Chris is stubborn, he won’t leave me until he knows I am ok and he will keep asking and asking and he will wait outside this door until I come out. Taking in a deep breath opening the door “seriously?” Chris stared at me unimpressed with how long I took “what is it? I am ok, Jen and I was just speaking on things. I cried happy tears, you know how it is when I speak on my dad” Chris is searching my eyes, he is wanting to know the truth “yeah but you been like that at the hospital, also what was you speaking about to TJ? You been really odd since then actually” clearing my throat “we just spoke on things, that is all. Look I am just having a talk with Jen ok? It’s fine” he is not believing me, but he will have too “ok” he touched my shoulder and then placing his hand on my cheek “I got you” he breathed out, he is annoyed like he lowkey doesn’t believe me either “I will sit down then, I got an eye on you though Robyn” Chris turned walking off “on god” he said, Jen smiled at me awkwardly, I didn’t think Chris was watching me like that actually. Making my way back to the seat “Chris kept asking what I said, what happened. Why is she crying, what did I say. Anyways back to the part where I murder him” I breathed out laughing “not that now, I just think I don’t want Chris to lose another friend in this. I feel like Chris is saying something to him for him to be saying this, Chris must be speaking on this a lot, you know?” Jen nodded her head “they all talk, these men do. But he has no right to repeat it, he has no right to speak on your fertility. Same with Chris, it’s tiring for you Robyn. You are working so hard, I have two boys and dealing with this. You have three girls and dealing with being the face of the company, my ass can skype a meeting, you are literally the face of it, here and there. You both still have time, things will calm down, but he has no right. I want to hit him” Jen will do that for me, I love her.

I have caught Chris twice look over at me to check if I am ok, I adore him a lot “am I weak Jen? Be truthful with me?” looking over at her “erm, pre mommy Robyn I think you would be ripping his ass, but I think you are more thinking of the bigger picture, you see that this weasel is close friends with Chris. School years too, you’re stuck between telling Chris or just keeping it to yourself, but I would mention to Chris that you want that boy to not be paid for, he has nothing to do with you. That has to stop, that is your empire, your money. That ends, he may dislike it but then you take it from there. You will see his true colours, meaning TJ. If he kicks off then it will be about the money” nodding my head “he keeps throwing that Chris pushes to have it, but as a man he can say no too” I added “exactly but always remember this, you have the power to destroy that friendship and I think he hates it. He is envious of that; I think he is. I understand what you are doing but don’t ever let that weasel think he has one over you, because he doesn’t. You will pounce when it’s good and ready, but I would reign it in. Say to him that stops, then we will see TJ’ true intentions, let’s see. If he doesn’t kick off and he does it then maybe he was right in a way but do that” nodding my head, he is a bastard and I will expose him, or shall I say he will expose himself.

[catypus]

𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚔𝚢𝚞𝚞 𝚋𝚘𝚢𝚜 𝚊𝚜 𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚖 𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚢𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚜

by: raven ฅ•ω•ฅ

warnings: slight language

a | n : i can’t get this out of my head NOT me ignoring my essay like... i’m so sleepy and confused if i mean what they would say or if the lyrics describes them?? and my head do be full of barista!akaashi kyaa also there's a little extra bnha content <3 

© all content belongs to catypus 2020. do not modify or repost.

! requests are open !

𝔞𝔬𝔟𝔞 𝔧𝔬𝔥𝔰𝔞𝔦

hanamaki: i don't need a microwave

iwaizumi: why you always wanna run when i swing first? FAT mood

kunimi: dear diary, mood - apathetic

kyoutani: just a fe-ral an-i-mal

matsukawa: everybody hate condoms yeah condoms are just terrible dog  horse co

oikawa: listen the bottom line i’m better (i'm better) i'm better (i'm better) i'm better 

𝔣𝔲𝔨𝔲𝔯𝔬𝔡𝔞𝔫𝔦

akaashi: let me go, let me go, when can i go home?

bokuto: everybody needs water everybody needs food

𝔨𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔰𝔲𝔫𝔬

asahi: and it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either

daichi: i’ve never thought myself as the type of father who has to drug test his kids

hinata: ROOOOOOAAR

kageyama: no milk today my love is gone away

suga: satan gave me a taco and it made me really sick

tsukishima: hope you hang yourself with your h&m scarf

yamaguchi: can't 2 or 4 dudes make out with each other without being gay?

noya: who let the dogs out

tanaka: who who who who who (these two come in a pair you just can’t)

𝔫𝔢𝔨𝔬𝔪𝔞

fukunaga: get that bread then leave, peace out

kenma: screw x-box i play old school nintendo | i cannot fuckin’ help it bro these cat girls always fall for me

kuroo: wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, h2o

lev: short people got no reason to live | they got little baby legs and they stand so low you got to pick 'em up just to say hello

yaku: i'm gonna shoot somebody, you lev

yamamoto: come and catch these hands, boy

𝔰𝔥𝔦𝔯𝔞𝔱𝔬𝔯𝔦𝔷𝔞𝔴𝔞

goshiki: hope it's only ah, a yeast infection

semi: all of them bitches shirabu ain't better than me | they'll always tryna keep me on the sidelines

ushijima: playin' with the chicken, you gon' meet all the llamas | ain’t no daddy issues then i won’t even bother

tendou: i wanna be your dog i wanna break your heart... | hush now baby don't you stress i'm gonna fill you mommy complex

𝔦𝔫𝔞𝔯𝔦𝔷𝔞𝔨𝔦

atsumu: choke me like you hate me but you love me

osamu: i’m just chilling making rice balls everyday

kita: well i’ll get straight to the point i found marijuana in the house 

suna: i need money, i need weed, i need drank periodt

𝔧𝔬𝔥𝔷𝔢𝔫𝔧𝔦

terushima: i feel like there's no such thing as a relationship with condoms

𝔦𝔱𝔞𝔠𝔥𝔦𝔶𝔞𝔪𝔞

sakusa: tonight we'll breakout the bug spray too | i'm a germaphobe, germaphobe

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*   ♡  𝔰𝔭𝔢𝔠𝔦𝔞𝔩 𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔶 𝔟𝔫𝔥𝔞 𝔰𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫 ♡    *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

dabi: i am burnt out i smell of smoke

keigo: i love chicken nuggets, and i eat them everyday

overhaul: no no, don't touch me there this is my no-no square but he’ll kill you

todoroki: where I neglect endeavor does it mean I'm not clever? ASHDAJSD

[jotun-appologist]

Had started thinking in the shower cause like according to my Intermediate bio and bio-anthro professors in college so far and my honors bio and honors anat-phys teachers in highschool punnet square genetics is more or less universal for certain things.

But like

If my grandma is light skinned, blue eyed and ginger but her mother was your stereotypical like tan skinned, raven haired, dark brown eyed cherokee and my uber white dutch/irish great grandpa was ginger but not blue eyed, how the fuck

Like black is the dominant hair color gene I thought? And great grandma's parents were both dark haired. As far as we know she was at least 1/2 cherokee if not full, and have pics (cause grandma has started having memory issues and like, has some mommy issues still. Bpd runs through my maternal line so its kinda the pattern with us, but yeah she kinda ran away from home for a while and I guess had issues getting along with family.)

Then conversely, my maternal grandparents both have blue eyes (so did my grandpa who passed away that was moms stepfather but theyd been green before he had cataract surgery? Unrelated but still weird)

Papa has blue-green eyes, Nana's are brown but she's dads step mom. Grandma on that side passed when dad was young but her eyes look green in pics.

Dads eyes are green-amber-ish and moms are blue. Both of them are nasty as fuck. My moms younger sister and my baby bro Michael are both tan/darker, brown eyed, and have more brownish-auburn hair that's much darker, and look more like great grandma.

My bio teacher holds that my mom and grandma both have to have cheated or something.

But like I think there's more to it, like Genes being more complex than that.

Also I'm naturally much paper than literally everyone in my family. Not in like a "I'm goth and avoid the sun" way though that's true now. But like, when I was a child and outside a lot I was still always super pale. I've never tanned or anything and my freckles are kinda orangey and not really brown most of the time. And also I have sun sensitivity worse even than all the other redheads I know.

So like

Where'd I get that and what is it?

I am fucking confused.

But also if the genes that (sadly) skipped me (dark complexion and hair and eyes genes) are in the gene pool still does that mean my fiance and I (both pale freckled gingers as well with blue(me) and green(him) eyes,) could have a kid with darker (auburn/brown/black?) hair and brown eyes as well? (Cause I hope so honestly)

Like legit I want someone who knows genetics really well to answer this

[lettersforyoulettersforme]

Post 1

July 15, 2017

Here it is! The first of a series of daily posts that I’ll be doing for 30 whole days. Inspired by my lovely friend Matt Ross’ blog on his website. Just as a way to check in with myself and hold myself accountable. I journal a fair amount, usually every day or at least 3-4 times a week. But this will be different. I’m going to be writing about various themes or ideas… I’m giving myself prompts and seeing where it goes. A big part of this is going to be letting go of expectations that I may have. I don’t need to create anything worthwhile or gorgeous or earth shattering. I want to write and let myself think out loud.

So with that in mind, I’m going to be talking a little bit about “sangha,” the Buddhist term for community. I’m stealing this idea from Matt’s blog but I figured it was a great place to start. Because community is something that I have always tried hard to create for myself. And I’m someone who has always existed in various communities, having multiple friend groups or jobs or volunteer activities, etc. This August, it will be two years since I have moved to Washington, DC. It feels like much more than 2 years. I’ve had a series of romantic relationships here, held a job for the longest period of time, started graduate school, become financially independent from my parents, gotten significantly closer with my sister who lives here, fell in love, moved into 2 different apartments, and met a shit ton of new people. Most of those people are from work but some are from volunteering experiences or from my grad school classes. One of them is my boyfriend and then some of them are my boyfriend’s co-workers who I adore. These various people shape my community and help me feel at home.

Speaking of home, Hayley is coming to visit for the weekend!! I’m so happy that she’ll be here in like 2 hours and we’ll have days and days to just hang the fuck out and chill and catch up. I remember when I first moved here, I was living in a studio apartment that I found on Craigslist. It was completely furnished and it just didn’t quite feel like it was mine. I stepped off the plane from Greece and I was in NYC for 2 days before I took the train to DC. And then that was that, I was here and it was a whirlwind. I had two job interviews and I learned how to take the bus to and fro and that was that. I wasn’t exactly settled, but it was my home. I loved having the space to myself but living in a 400 square foot box filled with some stranger’s stuff isn’t the warmest welcome. Hayley and I would FaceTime for literally hours at a time. I was so lonely, I listened to podcasts constantly just to hear someone talking. I watched a lot of TV. I wasn’t depressed exactly, but I couldn’t run away to Greece any more and ignore my issues. I had just graduated from college and I was scared. I had a Bachelor of Music that I knew I wasn’t going to use and I felt stuck. A fresh start was the only thing that I had so I really tried to make the most of it. I met Isabella at my orientation for my waitressing job and she was truly my first friend here! I had my sister but I do love Isabella for introducing me to the vegan food DC has to offer and for making me feel like I had someone to call besides my little sister. Isabella is, in fact, my sister’s age. She was a sophomore in college when we met, so she had this youthful perspective that I loved. In hindsight, I think our friendship was so precious because she made me feel like I was still in college. But then it became glaringly obvious that I was NOT in college any longer and things began to clash and fray. But more on that later. Honestly, I’m so lucky to have met someone who I genuinely liked right off the bat. Every time I go to certain places here- Tryst, that Indian food place in Adams Morgan, Sticky Fingers- I think of Isabella and the gentle way in which she led me through DC. All of the long walks we took, the picnics in Rock Creek Park. She showed me how beautiful this city really and truly is when I just wanted to go any place other than NY.

And then there was Donald’s brother. Who was the only other person I knew when I moved here. If I am honest with myself right now, I really liked him. I didn’t move here for him, but I did really like him. And I wanted to date him. The sex was great and I thought that if we lived in the same city, we could have a chance to really get to know each other. I remember that he was in Iceland when I first arrived so I had several weeks to settle in before we actually met up. I think that I went to a movie with Dylan and his friends. Not a movie exactly but a series of short films? Which in hindsight is so artsy and I loved the movies. We went to Shake Shack afterwards and I remember thinking his friends were these bros and I just wanted to be alone with him. We decided to get a drink somewhere in Chinatown and it was readily apparent that we were gonna sleep together. It’s funny how important each and every detail was to me at the time because I barely even remember it now. I think we went back to my apartment? And I was so embarrassed because it was a shit hole and I had been to his beautiful palace of an apartment before. That’s just the thing, I was so embarrassed to be my imperfect self around Dylan. I could never just be myself and that was clearly problematic.

We dated/ hung out/ fucked/ whatever you wanna call it for close to 3 months. I tried my best to keep it casual, but it was hard. That’s not my style if I really like someone. And it’s hard to play it cool and be busy when you have so few friends haha. My therapist, someone I started seeing like a week after I moved here, hated him. She made no attempt to hide that. Karen, who I have since stopped seeing, was this mid to late 60 year old woman with GIANT tits who had a cane. It was a lot. Her sessions were a lot, she was super opinionated and taught me exactly how I don’t want to be as a therapist. She was pushy and judgy and yeah, it didn’t work out. It was hard because she’s a sweet lady and she meant well. But she was always telling me to wear a condom otherwise I would get AIDS (I swear to God). She never let me forget the one time that I was going to cook Dylan and I dinner. I had bought us nice steaks from Whole Foods and we were gonna cook at his home. He was running late from work and long story, I ended up waiting 3 hours outside of his apartment for him to get there. He was apologetic but I was beyond done. At least for the evening. I walked the 30 minute walk home and cooked myself one of those delicious filets. Dylan never got to experience my steak making skills but that is something that I learned here in DC: you should never have to wait for anyone else. And that steak is best prepared when broiled.

I feel like I’m straying away from my topic of community, so I’m gonna try to get back to that. And now I’m lost my train of thought… stupid Instagram feed.

I do spend a lot of time thinking about community. For so long it was the community of New York or NYU Steinhardt or Hayley, Josh, Donald and myself. Or just the community/ cradle of school to keep you safe from judging your current life situation. I didn’t realize how lost I would feel after college. I’m not as lost as some people I know- not to name names or compare- but I know it could be worse. I know that I’ve build myself a community here. I have a friend who I go to the farmers’ market with every Saturday and we go for long shady sidewalk walks and talk about work and ambition and sex. It’s wonderful and I feel like this adult who has something she didn’t have before. She has something that Mommy and Daddy didn’t give her, she sat at her pottery wheel and she made it herself. It’s wonky and wombly and sometimes ugly in certain lights, but I made it! And that’s how I feel about this community I have here in DC. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all of the plans I have with my friends and then sometimes I feel like I have no one and I love that. I just spent all of last night zoned out watching a new Netfflix show. I made myself pasta and I even made my own alfredo sauce. I took a luxurious shower and read my book. I woke up at 5 AM and I was startled and my light was still on. I got up to turn it off and I realized how at home I am here. I am my own community as well as the rings of people around me and I love knowing that. I never felt that in NYC. I tried hard to stand on my own but it was a laborious task. Here in DC, life moves in waves and it’s much easier to not be caught up in everything that is so superficial.

So yeah. Here’s to making the most from the city and the people around you. And to realizing that I am enough of my own community to bring a warm light and ceaseless joy anywhere I go.