#bringitbackinonepiece

[dassandre-00qpidsarrow]

Damage in Pyjamas

Look closely, my friends.  Q is wearing his pyjamas!!

[dartier]

Calligram: The Vesper Martini

The Vesper Martini

Three measures of grief

One measure of betrayal

Half a measure of bliss

Shake well until it is as cold as a corpse

Pour into a glass chilled with regret

For 007 Fest 2021: Poetry Prompt Table - Calligram and Food Prompt Table - Vesper Martini

[spiritofcamelot]

007 Fest 2021 Masterpost

I had such fun this year! As every year, there were so many more things I wanted to do, but this is what I did do.

Some items are repeated on this list because they counted toward more than one thing. And I’ve tried to add summaries of al the writing, but only the first time it’s listed.

As this is a long list, it’s all going under the cut.

Tables

Countries + Titles

Sky Crane by Linorien (Morocco)

It felt like Mission Impossible, an agent on wires slowly lowering to the ground. Except Q was pretty sure in those movies, the lowering was controlled by the agent himself, not by their quartermaster on a different continent with no visual on the agent at all.

Like a Phoenix by Linorien (Jaimaica)

Missing scene from The Man with the Golden Gun after Bond and Scaramanga finally actually try to kill each other. Bond isn't in good shape, and neither is Felix. But that doesn't stop him from trying to get to his friend.

That Fucking Idiot by Linorien (Egypt)

Paris and James had seemed like a good couple. Both young with more money than they knew what to do with. It was going so well.

There should’ve been a time and a place, but this wasn’t it by Linorien (USA)

Felix mourns Della

The Least Unacceptable Solution by Linorien (Malaysia)

It wasn't their best plan. It was far from it. They hadn't had any remotely good options for escaping from the 84th floor of the Petronas Towers. But this was the least unacceptable solution.

The Claw by Linorien (France)

M tries for a relaxing week off. But the life or death mentality can be hard to shake off.

The Cookie Cutter Mission by Linorien (Japan)

It was a simple mission. Too simple.

Hate the Way You Breathe by Linorien (Switzerland)

The rivalry of two ski resorts builds and builds until Alec wonders if something else is there.

Microwave Woes by Linorien (Wales)

Surely he couldn't be that bad with food prep.

Rare Pairs

Tanner/Q/M   Tanner/Q/M headcanon

Moneypenny/Tracy   Moneypenny/Tracy headcanon

Felix/James/Della   Love is in the Air (141 words)

Snarky fortune cookies shouldn't be so accurate.

Moneypenny/Tanner   Rock you Like a Hurricane (100 words)

Medusa turns people to stone by freezing their souls. Since you sold yours to the devil years ago, you’re the first person she’s had in millenia.

Free Space - Patrice/Bond    So when a ghost and a human love each other very much… (237 words)

Bond and Patrice's fight takes an unexpected turn.

Felix/Q   Felix/Q headcanons

Q/Silva   Q/Silva wedding invite

Camille/Moneypenny   Least Unacceptable Solution (498 words)

James/Felix    James/Felix headcanons

Collab

Never Question Witches (A 00Q version of The Frog Prince.-Dassandre)

James Bond wasn't entirely sure why he trusted a frog to fix a piece of Q Branch equipment. Maybe it was the fact that it spoke. Or maybe there was some other magic at work.

So when a ghost and a human love each other very much... (Patrice/Bond - Ven)

3 Agents Rushed (Remix of 3 Billy Goats Gruff - Sven)

Loyalty (I challenge you to write Bond/Vijay or Bond/Tanaka! -Cas)

You are the world’s most infamous spy, specialized in impersonation, wanted by every nation in the world. The only problem is… You don’t remember who you work for anymore.

A Birthday Heist ( 1. 21stcentury!Tracy plans a heist -Christine 2. Q has a secret library -Storm )

Reintroductions (Bond and Q meeting outside of MI6 and becoming friends/boyfriends both keeping their MI6 life secret from each other only to run into each other in MI6 - Dino)

I’ve Been There (Q just wants to watch Lord of the Rings in peace. Bond keeps ruining it for him by telling him about all of the filming locations he’s been to - Souffle)

Beauty and the Beast AU headcanons (R/Eve Moneypenny, 00Q as a backgroud ship, a Beauty and the Beast AU wherein Eve is Gaston (but less slimy and sexist etc obviously) though she forgets all about Belle!Q as soon as she sees R, who is the housekeeper of Beast!Bond’s estate. -Shireya/Mely)

Scavenger Hunt

#5: Not Now, Not Ever

#6: Villain Entrance Songs  

#8: Created a code

#9: Solved Ashe's crossword/code

#11: Q branch rec list  

#12: Created a crossword

#23: After

#29: Alluding to Canoodling podfic

#31:Cats run Q branch  

#33: View to a Kill poster  

#37: Q/Silva wedding invite

#40: OHMSS Gifs

#44: Eavesdropping

#45: Q branch mugs

#47: Secret Q Branch Gadget

#50: Ice cream Sundae for Felix  

#53: Tea Brewing Manual poster

#56: Thunderbells

#57: Solved DoubleOh7Q's crossword

#58: business card

#66: Villain Lair  

#67: Tanner's Wine

#74: Thunderball Menu

#83: Q's tea leaves

#88:

Rise and Dine

Rec Lists

Scifi fic recs 

Q branch rec list

Writing

Permissions Revoked (5 chapters + art)

Tron AU. Q is no stranger to the Grid. The time dilation is great when he needed a last minute cram session in uni and even now that he's quartermaster it can help him set up more powerful firewalls. But he never anticipated being trapped there. One of his programs has gone rogue and escaped into London, trapping Q in the Grid. Q must journey to the root to restore his freedome of movement while R sends Bond to fight the program trying to release more programs, and the information they contain, into the world.

Steps to the Sky (+ title image)

In his previous life, Q was Rapunzel. He’s since cut his hair and moved on with his life, eventually landing the job of the Quartermaster, but the past doesn’t always stay hidden. Can James help him when trouble arrives?

Journey Through the Archives (4 chapters + art)

My Audio Drama!

While forced to organise the archives in an old bunker, a Q Branch minion finds an old recorder and decides to keep an audio log while she's working. It's a good distraction from the other noises, helps her feel not quite as isolated from the rest of MI6. But it does reveal more than she notices.

A Small Problem (6 chapters and lots of art)

It was disorienting, potentially humiliating, and scientifically very interesting. Q had no idea how this had happened or how to make it stop. OR 5 times Q shrunk himself on accident, and one time he did it on purpose

Loopholes

The ritual calls for 100 sacrifices, but reading carefully you realize it never specified they had to be human. Deciding to be a smartass, you got a petri dish full of bacteria and sacrificed that instead.

00Q: Bond is a mage and Q is the knight

Art

Thunderbells

Tanner's Wine

Thunderball Menu

Q/Silva wedding invite

Q branch mugs 

business card

Rise and Dine 

Tea Brewing Manual poster

Headcanons

Tanner/Q/M headcanon

spill-proof cups headcanon

Battenberg cookies and headcanon

James/Felix headcanons

Moneypenny/Tracy headcanon 

Felix/Q headcanons

Q branch mugs 

Roof of MI6 headcanon

Beauty and the Beast AU headcanons 

Bond's Skills

Other

Q Branch challenge images

Solved Anya's code (no points)

Also co-wrote the Q Branch fic in response to the Villain challenge.

[dartier]

Acrostic

Q

Understands a thing or seven

About

Regret and

Taming the untamable

Errant agents and Potter hair alike

Ridiculous brain that he has, he

Makes his own magic

And bends the world to his will

Strikes those that would hurt his

Thinks his way through all impossibilities,

Except how to evict James Bond from his

Ridiculous heart.

[dartier]

Shhhh!! Our Beloved Overlord is Sleeping

Forget Protective James Bond, Q-Branch Minions will cut a bitch. (Joke all you want about our prototype lightsabers, but those babies reach 2200C.)

Celebrate Q-Branch day, but do it quietly. Q's been up for days and you do not want to be the one to wake him. Leave any offerings at the shrine. You'll know it when you see it.

[dartier]

00Q00 Headcanon:

Stroppy Q is their favorite. Except maybe for Melted into a Puddle of Goo Q.

Autocorrect votes for Strippy Q.

If you can't make your Quartermaster cease all higher Math Functions, you will damn well hear about it.

Alec and James spend too much time scheming creative ways to rile up their Boffin.

It's a toss up who enjoys Q smacking their arses back into line more.

Wait, that's a lie. It's the Minions. Definitely the Minions.

[dartier]

Bredlik: You Get Excite

my name is Pen

bond want to poke

he such a cock

q have a stroke

a leetle death

plez mind the spume

jus press my nib

i make the boom

[dartier]

Haiku: Winter has closed in

Spin me under stars

Mind our blades, keep our edges

One last death spiral

For @boffin1710 for suggesting ice skating rinks.

Poetry Prompt Table: Haiku

[dartier]

One of QB-E1's Strawberry Pie Recipes

In R&D, we’re all about Variations and Experimentation. You’ll note the picture is of a strawberry, cherry and blueberry pie. Don’t do that. Trust me. Just use strawberries.

Ingredients

1 (9-inch) blind-baked pie crust, cooled to room temperature

1 cup water

1 cup white granulated sugar

3 tbsp cornstarch

¼ cup strawberry gelatin powder (JELL-O)

2 pints maybe? fresh strawberries (hulled and washed). I usually use two pounds and then snack on what doesn’t fit in the crust.

Instructions

You can cut your strawberries in half or smaller, if you want. Or you can cut some and leave others whole. It’s your pie.

After checking your vicinity for Firebugs *cough—Alec—cough*, put a sauce pan, over medium-high heat, and add water, sugar, cornstarch, & strawberry gelatin.

Whisk together until thoroughly combined. And just keep whisking the entire time it’s on the heat. This is to prevent clumping or scorching, until mixture begins to come to a gentle boil.

Remove pan from the heat and allow the glaze to cool.

If your sink isn’t full of experiments, you could cool the pan faster in some ice water. You know better than to ask for dry ice. And the words Liquid Nitrogen had better not leave your lips. The walls have ears.

This will cool the glaze quickly and allow it to set up a smidge more.

As the glaze cools it will become a bit translucent and it will thicken a bit more as well.

Whisk it occasionally as it cools. It will be thickened but still pourable.

Add your berries to the (baked and cooled) pie crust.

Pour strawberry glaze over berries, make sure it coats them. (I just put the strawberries in the pan, give them a good stir and dump the whole thing in the crust sometimes. Don’t tell Mom.)

Set the time lock safe on the refrigerator for at least 2-3 hours before serving. Yes, you should wait that long. Yes, I know, no one wants to wait that long.

Notes

When ready to serve, dollop each slice with some sweetened whipped cream.

[dartier]

Q Branch Meme Contest Headcanon

>>Whenever Q Branch makes it 54 whole days without an Incident, Q will be the judge of the Q Branch Meme Competition.<<

Minion Cat McKittenney ruined it this month. She is shown here, working from home after her jaunt to Medical after an unfortunate work place incident suffered in the testing labs.

C. McKittenney oversees our Surveillance group. Her work in tracking down and disposing of bugs, and smelling out rats to oust any wouldbe moles is of particular note.

Her sister, Selkirk McKittenney (shown here in the ill-fated Basketmobile) works in the Experimental Transportation Subdivision.

Back to the Memes!

Here are the contenders for the Meme Contest that totally isn’t happening this month. Again.

Just because Q won’t judge, doesn’t mean you can’t. Vote in the comments.

1. Offramp

2. SpongeBond CantkeepitinhisPants

3. Burn it down

4. Alec can attest

5. Do not make eye contact with an enraged and under-caffeinated Overlord

6. Line Item

7. Double-O Dickhead

Scavenger Hunt

31. Cats actually run Q branch. Show us your cat (or a friend's cat) working deligently

52. Using a meme template, make 5 for James Bond. They do not have to be the same format. (Why yes, I am an overachiever. How did you know?)

[dartier]

Bond: "What was that Q says about ‘when life hands you to the Komodo Pits’?"

Q pinching the bridge of his nose: "It's 'When life hands you cherry pits, make cyanide, 007.',

Q: "You've gone and fed it your gun, haven't you."

This was probably funnier when I made it at 2 a.m.

[dartier]

The World's Supply of Espresso is not Enough (some days.) But that's the headcanon. You know how the Waffle House Index is the most reliable depiction of the condition of an area in the US after a disaster? Well, you can tell a lot about what's going on in Q Branch based on what the caffeine vehicle is and how it's ordered. If we're all drinking tea, forget the world being on fire, it isn't even smoldering.

But when you hear "Espresso! And make it factorial", batten down the hatches, it's a sure bet Bond is on the loose. (And you should make it a point to sneak Q food when he isn't looking, Just make sure it's tasty and leave it within reach.)

[dartier]

Ballad: The Inadvertent Climb of the Ancient Mariner — Part 1

Q tells the ancient Mariner,

“Your prime has long since passed.

You will get no tech from Q Branch

While you are in that cast.”

Bond looms, glowers, and has a fit,

Bond calls him snot-nosed boy.

“It won’t be snot you half blind bat.

Find others to annoy.”

Dismissed. —Q turns his gaze away,—

Bond feels alone and cold.

Just then Q nibbles on his lip,

Bond hankers for a scold.

Bond wants those burning eyes on him,

unleash his massive…wit.

He will shut him up nice and good,

Then make it hard to sit.

Heated looks, a seductive purr,

a comment on his spots,

the boy will eat out of his hand,

then Bond will call the shots.

Bond turns on the charm, casts his bait

—It’ll only take one night—

But cannot catch a bite all week,

He can’t catch one green light.

Bond stalks his prey back to his flat,

but they don’t get it on.

Q sets him to cooking dinner,

Bond deems it a long con.

Bond comes back and he cooks some more,

Q rubs him like a burr.

Bond does scowl, but he looks some more,

Bond feels an ancient stir,

To grab hold of that mop of hair

And put Q in his place,

Be the one to give the orders,

Wipe the…smug from his face.

So Bond flexes and unleashes

The smolder that disarms,

But Q won't pay him any mind,

He won't fall to his charms.

Q, oblivious to his ploy,

Never fails to scold him.

Bond shouldn't worry for the boy,

Nor have want to hold him.

Q should take more care with his health,

Bond hangs around a bunch,

Makes sure Q’s naps are undisturbed

and brings him tea and lunch.

Bond still stalks the boffin

He watches and he waits

Bond fancies himself a lion

Though his heart complicates.

Bond has put a lot of time in,

He's waiting for the perk.

Until Q will do his bidding,

Bond will still scheme and lurk

Bond goes in to requalify

He’ll settle for no less.

Abatement is not an option

Nothing is left to guess

Retirement is not for him.

Bond will die in the field.

He will burn this place down before

he will agree to yield

He leaves in a daze, shakes his head,

and hears the door swing shut.

He goes over the afternoon,

All he can say is “What?”

“What the fuck just happened?” Bond asks.

He takes Q and shakes him

“You wanted to call the shots, Bond.

So you are our new M.”

That smirking boy, that fluffy brat.

Insolent little shite.

He's done it now, Bond’s on the hook.

The devil’s eyes shine bright.

He settles in, he grinds his teeth,

He looms over meetings

he cannot shoot his way out of,

longs for ease of beatings.

He digs in, he clenches his jaw

He looms and he forebodes

He strives to keep the ship on course

No matter how Q goads.

The heads all need a poisoning,

The agents should be shot.

Don’t get him started on Finance

And funds they won’t allot.

All week they comb through the intel

for something sinister

it all comes down to they’ve a right

Twat for Prime Minister

Q, the demanding little shite

Won't let him place a hit

“Thought I was meant to call the shots,”

Bond mutters, “I could quit.”

“Now, now you ridiculous lug,

Careful what you wish for.”

“I wished for you in bed,” Bond says.

“And I have yet to score.”

“You hoped I would be so enthralled

By your much vaunted cock

When I rebuffed your seduction

I’m sure it was a shock.” (Cont.)

Poetry Prompt Table: Ballad & 2017 Prompt No. 64 James becomes M AU

[dartier]

Two Clerihews

Bond. James Bond.

With your ladies, I abscond.

One day I will no longer deny

Q keeps the sun in the sky.

Q, name redacted

Of brain: massive and heart: retracted

Will pull James Bond from Death’s maw.

Then nonchalantly sock him in the jaw.

^^One is for the Free Space on the Poetry Prompt Table, and the other is just because.And they're both for Poetry Day.

[dartier]

Posters Around Q Branch

Don’t forget to eat your lunch. And for the love of Overlord, Take. A. Nap.

…and Introducing the Latest Recruitment Poster

Scavenger Hunt 34. picture Create a recruitment poster for your department of MI6/your villain organisation

[dartier]

Felix Leiter’s My Dumbass Got Shot Again and I am Home on Medical Leave Chicken Pot Pie

Cube half a rotisserie chicken.

Microwave a 12 ounce bag of mixed vegetables.

In a pot, add a can of condensed cream of mushroom soup, the chicken, cooked mixed vegetables, and whatever spices you want.

Does that look dry to you? Add some milk. You can pour it in the soup can to get the soup that always sticks to the can.

Heat it through. For the love of Uncle Sam, don’t burn it. Stir it.

If you have two pie crusts, use one for the top and bottom. If you only have one, save it for the top.

Empty the pot into a deep dish pie plate.

Put a pie crust over the top. Crimp it. Slash it to make steam vents. Easy killer.

Bake in a 425° oven for about 35 minutes. Cover the crust if the edges start to darken too much. Take it out when the crust starts to turn golden. Let it rest ten minutes, if you've got the self control.