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theramblingonesie · 6 years ago

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Facing Our Making, Part 3: Makeup and Gender

Welcome to Part 3 of my makeup blog series! This week we’re going to poke at gender and makeup. But before I begin, let’s review parts 1 & 2, and check in about where we’re at:

1. Beauty standards are impossibly harsh and cause a lot of unnecessary pain.

2. Let womxn decide what they want to do with their own damn bodies and stay out of it. Unless they hire you for a consultation.

3. Wearing makeup is awesome

4. Not wearing makeup is awesome

5. Your gender presentation and basically any presentation of your body and behavior do not determine who you are and aren’t attracted to sexually. And no one is the (*^*^%^$#%$#&*&^&%% authority to determine that for you. If they try, remember that they’re judging and labeling you in relation to their own internal gender/sexuality struggles. More on this in today’s blog below.

6. How toxic masculinity ruins the day in relationship to makeup or not makeup needs to die, and YES womxn also support and host this behavior (internalized misogyny). Just because a person has a vagina or presents as femme does not mean they are exempt.

7. Womxn who wear makeup are not whores unless they are, in fact, professional whores. Professional whores keep the world turning, and bless em for it. The problem isn’t sex work. It’s violence against sex workers. Consider your complicity.

8. Womxn are reclaiming the hell out of the word “Slut”, so don’t get caught being a dumb idiot who uses the outdated, violent, misogynist definition. 1000 years vagina dentata upon your entire household.

9. If you want sexual attention because you enjoy sex, then FUCK YEAH GIT IT!!!

10. “Pretty girls are dumb” is a myth that our society desperately seeks to nurture and maintain. This is rooted in dominance, power, control, and whorephobia. Stop it.

11. “Ugly girls are smart” makes no damn sense. Okay, yes I can see the backwards logic, but also if you listen to flat-earthers long enough you could even be like, “ok, I see where you’re coming from with that”.

It is not lost on me that certain beauty trends and habits can trigger and enable body image problems, ranging in severity. After attending a panel discussion that featured a speaker from Media Girls Boston, I learned that girls as young as 9 are learning that they essentially need to brand themselves through social media so that they can merely exist. Saying this is a problem is an understatement.

I support makeup and rituals of adornment. I support a lot of things that, if used improperly with dangerous motivations, can result in severe consequences.

Understand that there’s a lot of nuance in subjects like this, and utilize your critical thinking brain when exploring such topics. Continue your personal research if you’re curious about any subcategory in this series that I have not addressed.

If issues of beauty standards and pressure are uncomfortable or triggering for you, or if you or a loved one believe they may be suffering from a body-image related disorder, please know you are not alone, and there are people out there who are ready and available to support you through this. Links and hotline numbers are available in the resource section at the end of this blog. -------------------------------------------------------------

“If we are all members of one body, then in that one body there is neither male nor female; or rather there is both: it is an androgynous or hermaphroditic body, containing both sexes [...] The division of the one man into two sexes is part of [our] fall.” --Norman O. Brown, in Love’s Body, 1966

Okay! Let’s talk about this super important element of the art and ritual of beauty:

Gender!

To Marie Kondo this: This subject does not bring me joy, and I do not want to write about it, but I feel that I have a responsibility to not play floor-is-lava about it. It does not even bring me the type of righteous rage that fuels me to furiously complete a post. It fills me with doubt, insecurity, self loathing, trust issues, and a desire to disappear.

I need to say this because I know I am not alone in my feelings and experience. But I will keep it very brief because I’d like to move on.

I have experienced a lifetime of pain from the bullshit pressure the heteropatriarchy puts on female bodies. I never anticipated the heartache I would experience as a result of being judged and denied by fellow queers.

I am too butch, too unfeminine to be accepted as the right kind of woman in heteropatriarchal society. I make men question their sexuality, and I am the one made to suffer for it. I am too feminine for queers to believe and accept me when I tell them I’m genderfluid (which I have been, quietly and privately, my entire life). I am not feminine enough to be femme.

Too much woman. Not enough woman. Not woman. Not human. Once again, my body and my soul are everyone else’s to judge, determine, and own. Not mine.

And no one wants to listen when we say the world hates women.

I highly suggest looking up the toxic concept of femme invisibility in queer communities. You can start by reading this great article by Bust:

https://www.bustle.com/articles/166081-what-does-femme-mean-the-difference-between-being-femme-being-feminine.

For the record, I still use she/her pronouns. I stand by my allegiance to the fullness and diversity of womxnhood in a deeply ferocious way. My reasoning for that is both very simple and very complicated. So I guess that just makes it very complicated. Ask me how.

Mood.

Anyway, makeup.

About a month ago, I had wrapped a film shoot with some friends who flew up from Mexico. It was an incredible weekend that filled me up with so much bliss. On the drive back to Boston, I was chatting with my beloved friends and fellow Scarlet Tongue artists, Creature and Cass, about how much I enjoy the company of Mexican men. A large part of that is because it is refreshing to be around men who so easily embrace and express feminine qualities of articulating their emotions, accessing their emotions, gentleness and nurturing. Creature presented the important argument that such qualities don’t need to be classified as feminine or masculine; they’re simply personality and behavioral traits that anybody can have.

Such a point is absolutely crucial in untangling the oppressive nature of the gender binary.

Exercise:

The following traits have been classically designated as “masculine” or “feminine” behavior, but I’ve jumbled them together in the list below. Which traits do you believe belong to whom?

Reserved Warm Sensitive Utilitarian Deferential Apprehensive Reactive Emotionally Stable Serious Lively Socially bold Shy Rule-conscious Expedient Private Perfectionism Anxiety Group-oriented Self-reliant Tolerates disorder Vigilance Extraversion Traditional Grounded Agreeableness Neuroticism Excitement-seeking Attraction to aesthetics

Answer:

Hahahahah, I’m not going to give you the answer. It doesn’t matter.

Yes, hormones do impact some behavior. And YES, how we’re socially conditioned impacts which traits are more dominant. But the point is, there is an imaginary line between the two categories. The saddest reality is that, even though any human is capable of any of these traits on the list, society has determined that consequence and punishment must befall anyone who strays from their category. An enforced gender binary is dangerous.

Enter makeup.

Makeup has served infinite purposes throughout the course of history. It’s an incredible vehicle for expression, as well as radical social and political rebellion. Makeup has shaped entire movements of art, social justice, philosophy, and construction/deconstruction of body politics.

Your lipstick is more than patriarchal pigment in a tube. It is a tool for revolution.

Most people assume that makeup is only for clowns and cisgender women, and anyone else who uses it is simply a deviant who has “stolen” it.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Nononononononono

This probably won’t come as a shock to most of you, but yes-- Christianity also temporarily ruined makeup. Once upon a time, it was quite normal for men to wear makeup. Then the Jesus toe-suckers made up a whole bunch of arbitrary rules about what we currently observe masculinity and femininity to be, and here we are in this stinky pile of crap rules.

I highly recommend reading this article to learn a tiny bit more of the history of men and makeup:

https://www.byrdie.com/history-makeup-gender

Who wears makeup and how people wear makeup has shifted so much throughout history, and the struggles we experience around this today have only been relevant for a hundred years or so. One of the most common forms of rebellion we hear of is when women reject traditional femininity. Whether “burning our bras”, shaving our heads, or growing out our armpit hair, this is not an uncommon experience for a lot of women. The scandal!! The pet has escaped her cage!! So many women I know have experienced an anti-femininity phase at least once in their lives. Sometimes this “phase” transitions into a permanent rejection of gender norms, but it really varies from person to person. Often it’s set off by an overwhelming awareness of how much women are defined by superficial characteristics, traditionally determined and enforced by men. So we attempt to take ourselves out of the system by wearing neutral and aggressive clothing, switching up which parts of our bodies are hairy and which aren’t, and avoiding anything “girlie”. Revisiting my conversation with Aepril, my high-glam friend who inspired this blog and was mentioned in Part 1, she made a good point about honoring such an experience: “I went through a miserable phase in my feminist youth where I thought I was being uber feminist by not shaving or wearing makeup or wearing heels, etc, because to do so was giving into the patriarchy. I was miserable of course. It took my drag queen friends to wake me up to that, as I realized that they were willing to give up family, social status...their safety and even their lives for the privilege of expressing themselves in a glamorous, feminine way. While I had that privilege because I was born in a female body. I might be criticised by both men and women, but I wouldn’t be beaten in the street for transgressing gender roles. I realized how much it meant to me through seeing how much it meant to them. Why should I give that up either? Why should anyone have to?” In Aepril’s situation, she found that her place of authenticity was through femininity. In a world that is so divided between the shoulds and should-nots of who we’re supposed to be, I find it important to squeeze ourselves through and experience all sides so we can settle on what’s true for us. Then it’s no longer conformity; it’s an outlet.

In the 20th and 21st centuries, the use of makeup norms has been subverted to amplify voices that demand human rights and fair treatment. Its application has been largely linked to LGBTQ+ visibility and gay rights movements. The anti-Vietnam movement in the late 60s and 70s utilized makeup to display over-feminization and homosexuality as a way to avoid being drafted. The glam rock movement gave us icons like David Bowie, exposing and exploding restrictive gender norms through outrageous clothing and makeup, utilizing pop culture to spread ideas and acceptance of androgyny. “Female impersonation” has origins dating back to the 19th century in Europe, and the art of Drag Queens & Kings is alive and well today, celebrating, mocking, questioning, and expanding gender in clubs and theaters, in film, and right in our homes through TV favorites like Ru Paul’s Drag Race.

For our trans-sisters, the decision to wear makeup could have life or death consequences. As a transwoman friend of mine disclosed a few months back, when she’s walking down the street and hears a man call after her, her immediate thoughts turn to, “will I experience violence because I’m a woman? Or will I experience violence because he thinks I’m a faggot?” There is a lot of discussion in the trans community about the privilege of “passing”, and I believe these conversations have further supported the struggles womxn generally face-- does wearing makeup make you more or less of a woman? As writer Lux Alptraum points out, “the idea that external appearance is what makes someone a “real” woman is the very thing that many trans women have committed themselves to fighting. To the extent that makeup is an essential part of any trans woman’s gender identity or notion of her womanhood, it’s largely because that’s the message the rest of the world aggressively forces upon her.” Read the rest of this article at https://www.racked.com/2017/3/23/14937266/trans-women-makeup

Makeup is incredibly powerful. It can be used for protest, and it can be used for comfort. It’s daily wear, and it’s political. It’s an expression of freedom, and a bold face confronting restriction. It’s transformative, giving people the opportunity to live in the bodies and images that feel right and true for them. Makeup is art, an embracing of life and physicality, a way to show up, be counted, and be present. It’s an act of defiance, and an act of love.

I recently read that Facebook now has 56 gender identities one can choose from. Facebook blows, but wow that’s actually really awesome! Within that list, some of the more frequently used terms include:

Agender/Neutrois Androgyne/Androgynous Bigender Cis/Cisgender Female to Male/FTM Gender Fluid Gender Nonconforming/Variant Gender Questioning Genderqueer Intersex Male to Female/MTF Neither Non-binary Other Pangender Trans/Transgender Transsexual Two-spirit (Important: this is Native American. Don’t pull a Jason Mraz. Don’t appropriate)

Out of this list, the following folks are allowed to wear makeup:

All of them Everyone Anyone Everybody The General Public The Whole World Human Beings Aliens Animals but only if they’re actually humans in animal costumes

If you’re interested in following makeup artists on IG who are trans or gender non-conforming, here is a great starter list (partially sourced from wearyourvoicemag.com):

@ brownbeautystandards @ vlad_theunicorn @ jade_poncee @ makeupby_bran @ rosalynnemontoya @ miles_jai @ completedestruction

Again, there are infinite reasons why people of any gender do and don’t wear makeup, and I’m not going to be an authority on the matter. But I hope some of this information helps you on your journey to understand yourself better, and hold space of greater allyship and tolerance for others.

Below are some links and phone numbers if you feel you need greater support for the topics being discussed in this blog series. Being beautiful is cool, and so is being safe. You deserve to be here, and you matter.

Enjoy your week, and we’ll see you back here next week for Part 4: Performance Artists and Makeup!

National Eating Disorders 24 hr Hotline: 1-800-931-2237

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/body-image-0

TransLifeline Hotline: 877-565-8860

https://www.translifeline.org/

LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

https://www.glbthotline.org/

National Suicide Prevention 24hr Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

http://sexworkersproject.org/resources/

#makeup #nomakeup #gender #intersectional feminism #revolution #queer #drag #androgony #expressyourself

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perksofbeingawaifu · 7 years ago

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY @mongoose-bite!!! Crunchy is one of my favoritest fic authors and also one of the best friends I have made in this fandom! EVERYONE GO WISH HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And while you’re at it, go read and leave a comment on his fics! I’m going to list twelve of my personal favorites below (altho I could go on and on and on until I run out of fics!). LONG POST TO FOLLOW!

Fuck: My Life

eruriren, snk

A streak of bad luck leaves Eren desperate for cash, and desperate enough that making porn doesn't seem like such a terrible idea. He's young, he's cute, he's horny, and his favourite studio is currently hiring. It seems like fate up until he learns that his two most admired actors, whom he spent the majority of his teenage years appreciating, have recently retired.

Still, he is nothing if not determined, and he sets out to see if he can persuade them to make one last movie. And then he gets to know them as people, and things start getting complicated.

Reasons I like it: This is one of the first fics of crunchy’s I ever read and I was obsessedddd. I swear I would be checking my phone for an email on update day like >.> c’monnnnnn. It’s eruriren and super persistent but adorable Eren. Erwin is charming and crunchy’s Levi is always so understated and muted it makes my heart ache. I don’t even like porn star aus but crunchy always makes me love tropes and ships I don’t usually like.

A Sound Like Breaking Glass

ereri, snk

Eren lives by the ocean in a peaceful, untroubled world with his classmates. He studies, dreams of going out to sea on the boats to see what lies beyond the horizon, spends his afternoons by the water's edge with his friends, and sneaks out at night more often than he should. His greatest ambition is to join the crew of the Wings of Freedom, but after making a disastrous first impression on Captain Levi, joining his company will be easier said than done. Despite the insults and the bruising, Eren is determined and he vows to do whatever it takes to impress the captain before the ship is out of drydock.

Reasons I like it: Ngl, it took me several attempts to get into this fic bc I at first thought it was going to be a pirate au? I have the worst reading comprehension I swear. But it is not, it is perfect and I love it and it is actually my absolute favoritest fic of crunchy’s so even though it is in the #2 spot here, second is best. :P The characters are charming and the scenery is beautiful and I can’t say anything more about it without spoiling it. ;3 BUT AHHHHHH!!!

Breach! And Other Stories

winmin, snk

A collection on one-shots written for Winmin Week 2014. Mostly canonverse.

01. Superior and Subordinate: Armin was conflicted. They were superior and subordinate after all, kept apart by rules and regulations and just plain common sense. But the heart wants what it wants, and it wasn't like there was much else that made Eren smile lately. 02. Stained Hands: Armin wasn't trying to wash away the blood with ink. 03. Alternate Universe: Erwin is too big for his umbrella. 04. Role Swap: Their first night together after Erwin is rescued. 05. Hurt and Comfort: Faded names remind Erwin of a boy he met long ago. 06. (Free Slot): Breach! Armin goes to the ends of the earth for an interview. 07. The End: Armin insisted on the hood.

Reasons I like it: you know how some fics can ruin you on a ship and you can’t stand it? Well crunchy single handedly rescued winmin for me. I still think about Breach! A LOT. THE WHALES. WINMIN CUTENESS! ARMIN! ERWIN! BLONDE GENIUSES!

My Old Friend

ereri, snk

When Levi was a teenager, the unrequited love of his life was Eren, his best friend's father. Fifteen years later, Levi finds himself back in Whitecrest Cove to sell his late uncle's house.

This story was mostly written for Ereri Week 2015.

Reasons I like it: Imagine, it’s the swinging 2015′s at the height of the the dilf!eren craze, in walks crunchy and suggests...what if...gdilf!Eren. Women are screaming, babies are crying, grown men walking around in a daze because their minds are so blown. No, but really, it’s actually a very poignant story of Levi reconciling his childhood and then grief as an adult and reconnecting with Eren who is a surfing silver fox. It’s quite beautiful.

Blood Of An Englishman

hartwin, kingsman

Harry's brains dried in the hot Kentucky sun. A fly landed on an exposed piece of his skull for a few seconds and then buzzed off. His blood seeped into the dust. In the distance sirens began to wail, and the crisp, elegant click of patent leather oxfords on concrete drew to a halt beside his ruined corpse.

“Oh dear,” someone said sadly, although Harry wasn't alive to hear it. He heard, saw, felt, and was, nothing.

Death is not another country. Death is the deep blue sea.

Or, the one in which Harry is officially dead, actually a wizard, occasionally a small dog, and utterly unable to keep his distance from his young successor.

Reasons I like it: This fic has everything, Harry Hart dead but kindof not dead. Suddenly a wizard. A femme fatale Italian milf sorceress. Eggsy’s cute lil butt. Magic. It’s some impressive world building and I prefer it to the sequel we got instead.

Too Hot To Handle

erejean, snk

Jean has recently joined MI6's elite agents as 003 and he couldn't be happier. His career is going places, his degree is paid for, his job is exciting, if somewhat dangerous, and his handler is the beautiful Mikasa, whom he will definitely certainly ask out soon.

Until it isn’t. Until Mikasa is replaced by Eren, who Jean quickly decides is absolutely the last person he wants talking in his ear when he’s getting shot at.

Reasons I like it: Well first of all I had to include this bc it was a bday present for me. :P I think this might be the only fic of crunchy’s I’ve read from Jean’s perspective? And I love him. He’s a cocky lil asshole and I still scream over this line: “He couldn’t believe how lucky he’d been to score Mikasa. She’d transferred from Foreign Office around the same time he’d been given his double-oh designation, and not only was she incredibly efficient, but she was absolutely gorgeous. Jean had seen an awful lot of movies and TV shows; he knew how this went. Sooner or later his roguish charm and devil-may-care attitude would thaw her icy exterior and the sex would be mindblowing.” HELP. I”M SCREAMING. Also it has SUPER SEXY hairy Eren (because crunchy knows my kinks, shush).

The Beneficent Gentleman

hartwin, kingsman

An act of heroism sees an unusual offer made to one Eggsy Unwin; if he can get accepted he can go to Oxford, all expenses paid. All he has to do in return is pass his classes, and keep his mysterious benefactor informed as to his educational progress via the old-fashioned medium of the handwritten letter.

An AU loosely based on Daddy Long-Legs.

Reasons I like it: this is incredibly ambitious for a fic. It’s all in epistolary form aka letters. It’s quite an undertaking to write but the result makes it seem so effortless. Plus I like handsome benefactor from afar Harry.

Season and Circumstance

hartwin, kingsman

Circumstance dictates that there must be a great distance between Eggsy Unwin and Lord Hart, but the seasons turn and bring them together, and seasons turn and pull them apart. Seasons always change. Circumstances must be acted on. A Regency AU.

Reasons I like it: Hartwin Regency AU? Need I say more? Also crunchy always writes the best frot scenes like...if you want quality frot, look no further than crunchy’s fics.

Magic Does Not Make A Garden

ereri, snk

Levi grows his garden peacefully on the edge of the desert, until the day he finds a boy with wings dying of exhaustion and takes him in.

Reasons I like it: Fuck this fic makes me wistful and teary eyed and hopeful all at once. King of crunchy’s short fics by far. I think about this fic nonstop. It’s too short to spend time describing it, just read and be full of FEELINGS for the rest of the day.

A Bird in the Hand

ereri, snk

Little ever changes in the Underworld, and few visit, but the arrival of a single songbird foretells a coming change for both the Underworld and its god, Eren.

Spring is here.

Reasons I like it: Hades/Persephone AU!!!!!!!!! Except Levi is Persephone and likes to wrassle and is so full of life I love seeing him like this. Also crunchy describes Levi’s naked figure so beautifully in the water i started salivating and it was so powerful it inspired beautiful art of the heichou booty by syn (nsfw link).

The Hero Who Traveled To Faerie in Search of a Bride

yurabek, yoi

The king is dead and in accordance with the custom all worthy aspirants to the crown must set out in search of a bride deserving of the throne. For one soldier, distinguished in battle, it was not enough to seek a princess among the neighbouring kingdoms, because for many years his heart had pulled him towards the distant spires and violet hills of Faerie, a land forbidden to mortals, for so few return...

Reasons I like it: sexy elf otabek with long hair :O and brave knight yura. I love the descriptions of the four courts and Victor is so goddamn perfect. The world building is sublime and everything feels so lush and perfect. ayaaaa to visit the fae for a day...

Under Neon Skies

sheith, voltron

After the battle with Zarkon Shiro finds himself in an alien city, on an alien planet. Here Zarkon rules triumphant, the Black Lion tame under his hand, and Shiro's own face appears on glowing billboards fifty feet high to advertise the arena fights as their reigning champion.

Shiro knows he has to get home because his universe needs him, but this universe just might need him more. He pins his hopes on the Blade of Marmora and learns that in this reality, Keith did not grow up on Earth...

Written for the Sheith Big Bang 2017. Not season 3 compliant.

Reasons I like it: i got to beta this fic but honestly crunchy doesn’t need beta-ing at all hahaha so it was a real treat to see it before anyone else. I love the alternate universe and the way it’s described so perfectly. Everything feels truly alien and you can feel Shiro’s loneliness. T_T And I love raised with the Blade Keith. He’s extra feisty. Also bc the most recent season has confirmed that alternate realities exist this is canon and nothing you can say or do will convince me otherwise.

The Garden of Wild Roses

allurivan, voltron

The galaxy might now be at peace, but Allura is not. A warrior without a war, a princess without a kingdom, she decides to tuck herself away for a while, take a well earned break and work out what to do with the rest of her life.

Earth is the obvious choice, the planet still coming to grips with a crowded universe but almost untouched by the recent war. Shiro organises a long holiday smoothly and swiftly, and it doesn't occur to Allura to ask if she's the only lonely alien he's installed in the village of his childhood.

Reasons I like it: Okay i know, i picked 13, but that just goes to show you that i’m a liar. This fic has so many wonderful character analyses and I love how it shows Allura coming to grips with a war that has been won. And also I’m a slut for good pussy eating scenes what can I say.

#fic recs #snk #voltron #kingsman #yoi #ereri #erejean #eruriren #hartwin #yurabek #sheith #allurivan

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gascon-en-exil · 7 years ago

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Mercilessly Judging the Men of Jugdral: Part 3

Part 1: FE4 Gen 1

Part 2: FE4 Gen 2

Last and least (least filled-out on average, anyway) there are the men of Thracia 776. Unlike the epic breeding fest that is its predecessor, FE5, like the Archanea games before it or FE6 after, pads out its roster with filler recruits devoid of any character beyond a portrait and a line or two of dialogue. As such I have no choice but to keep this post to a filthy highlights reel of Thracia’s men. Playables not included here may be assumed to be like those guys you skim past all the time because there’s nothing eye-catching or memorable about them; given enough alcohol you may end up messaging some of them and maybe even come away with some photos of varying quality, but men who make such little effort to express themselves can’t possibly expect to leave much of an impression…or to get laid with any regularity.

(Also note that, as mentioned previously, characters who are playable in FE4 as well don’t get an additional entry here. As such we may enjoy the fitting irony of Leif not getting a profile in the post for his own game.)

Rash and impulsive, he’s quick to indicate interest in any guy he finds hot - generally with dick pics - but just as quick to stop responding once he’s finished jerking off or, more rarely, is actually successful in securing a hookup. Never remembers to bring condoms or lube, but it’s not much of an issue for him since he’s happy with trading handjobs and getting sucked off. He’s tried giving head and even anal whenever he happens to meet a guy prepared for a full encounter, but anyone who takes longer to cum than he does frustrates him and makes it tough for him to keep up the pace. Not looking for anything beyond quickies since he’s already got a reliable FWB or two and he’s some years off from having the dedication for a serious relationship. He’s got a soft spot for twinks and might eventually date a nice one once he’s matured a bit, but since they tend to make him uncomfortable in person this currently only manifests in his preferred porn tags.

Is used to being “the average guy” in his group of friends and, to his credit, has probably stopped a few drunken benders from turning criminal and/or lethal. As such he’s not very accustomed to having guys hit on him, but he’ll surprise everyone by immediately going after anyone who expresses a passing interest. Whether that reads as assertive or desperate will vary on the person, but any guy looking for a steady boyfriend with some bulk - a little less glam and a little more pudge if he’s being honest, but then he’s not one for sugarcoating - won’t be disappointed. An experienced top with enough stamina to go for multiple rounds and enough flexibility and cushion on the back end to take a turn bottoming if so desired. He’ll be often overlooked like so many of the other guys in Thracia, but his friends are just crazy enough to keep him from looking too boring.

Unusually involved for a late-in-life gay, he can always be relied upon to be organizing something within the community, whether it’s an amateur sports team for his favorite bar or a drag show for charity. He’s more likely to meet guys at such events than he is on hookup apps, though he does put in a token appearance on all the ones friendly to more hirsute men. Doesn’t have a problem with femme guys but isn’t likely to get naked with them either, and if he finds his (second) better half it’ll most likely be with a good-natured cub. The Bear flag hangs prominently in at least one of his offered selfies, which also include close-up action shots of him breeding and/or getting bred by someone just as hairy as he is (but don’t worry, he’s on PrEP and has all the relevant links and pamphlets on hand to encourage you to get on it too).He may be a bit short and stubby below the belt, but his gut isn’t as pronounced as it often is for men of his build so there won’t be too many problems with maneuvering at least. Likes to fuck long and slow for hours, but he won’t push his partners if they can’t keep up with his pace.

Deceptively hairy, as anyone will discover once he starts sending pics, but aside from that he seems like a typical gym bunny at first glance. It’s only after getting to know him through conversation - generally after exhausting him via a lengthy session of circle jerking and oral - that he reveals that he’s been recovering from a reckless past of partying and drug use. Has unquestionably engaged in PNP, possibly with meth, but if nothing else he deserves props now for making an earnest effort to clean up his act. Is not really that much of a top - after being dependent on alcohol and drugs to get in the mood he doesn’t stay hard for long - but this will work out in his favor since what he really needs is a strong guiding hand from an older man. As a power bottom he’s both loud and sloppy; his aim is terrible even when sitting on a dick. Even so, he’s a dream come true for a bear looking for a beefy young man and/or a good project.

Still in some equivalent of a teenage mall goth phase, though in his case it’s more like a pirate phase what with the piercings and tattoos and overall swarthy look. Not very secure in his sexuality, but he’ll angrily rebuff any attempts at playing therapist or any requests from guys looking for something more than a blow-and-go. Will open conversations with a dick pic and precise stats, and if that proves enticing he might be feeling risqué to show off his (underdeveloped) torso. May never progress beyond the level of glory holes and handjobs with no eye contact until he addresses his myriad hangups, which range from a deeply embarrassing crush on a guy who used to bully him in school to an even more embarrassing diaper fetish - any evidence of which he’ll immediately scrub clean from his internet history after each guilt-laden wank. In the end he’s probably best off being left alone, though it’s anyone’s guess what amount of trouble he could end up in on his own.

He can always be counted on to spend most of his time at bars hanging outside by the door, greeting all the twinks with a winning smile and heckling any homophobic passerby with taunts and poses that he assumes look more threatening than silly. His white knight-ish behavior has indeed gotten him laid on more than a few occasions, but he’s got just as many rivals as he’s got satisfied fans. Buffed up to full-on twunk shortly after hitting the scene for the first time when he realized that no one was going to take him seriously as a Dom otherwise with that face. Flexible enough to work with ropes, leathers, blindfolds, or simple hard vanilla fucking depending on what’s being asked of him, although he does get an extra thrill out of the kinky stuff. He’s got a good sense for when he’s worn out his welcome and would be better moving on, something he can accomplish with ease thanks to a lack of serious career aspirations and his ability to charm his way into hearts and beds no matter where he ends up. It’s unlikely he’ll ever return to his hometown, after an incident in which he drunkenly made a pass at a guy that he later figured out was his own brother.

Still a few years away from being old enough to drink - and about fifteen years away from looking old enough - but he gets in anyway since he has a tendency to hang around upperclassmen. Unironically wears booty shorts and flashy scarves and sometimes glitter because he’s a twink and knows it, and even though he gets all the tops in the place hot and bothered he’ll swear up and down that he’s never danced on top of a bar and never plans to. He’s actually quite faithful to the aforementioned older friends, to the extent that he may list himself as in a relationship on hookup apps even if he’s not technically dating any of them. Likely feels this way toward the guy who took his virginity, specifically. Still a little willowy to really bottom well, and with his intellectual interests and career aspirations that’s unlikely to change much as he gets older. Maybe once he hits college the freshman fifteen will give him a little more cushion. Expect to see him settled down and at “we only play together” status a few years down the line…unless the object of his precocious affections happens to be looking elsewhere, in which case expect to find him one night bent over a desk by one of his professors.

His entire personality may be perfectly summed up by the word “surly.” He expresses non-verbal interest often on apps (i.e. he’s a “serial woofer”) but never initiates conversation, and on the rare occasions that he goes out he’s the type to hang out against the wall by himself nursing a beer and watching the crowd. He almost never responds to attention either, though he’s got a hidden soft spot for wide-eyed types who seem just as out of place as he is. As might be expected of a guy who rarely hooks up and whose idea of a good sex partner is just that - an idea - he feels more comfortable pleasuring himself in solitude than in performing the act itself. It’s a shame, too, because he’s got a pretty nice dick and naturally high skill and stamina to put it to work. He’s even bottomed a few times though he’s loathe to say he liked it, not because he’s got any problems with that but because his sex life is one of the many things he never likes to talk about.

His profile is fully descriptive but not all that interesting - looking for friends and good conversation, not willing to hookup or jump into anything too quickly, goal-driven but not pushy, and so on. He’s the perfect guy to bring home to your mother, and on the surface he really does seem as dull as that entails. However, he’s benefited from a surprisingly thorough education courtesy of an older friend and longtime community member, and after he’s gone on a few dates and gotten comfortable with someone he’d be more than happy to show off everything he’s learned. Fully vers but still inexperienced with taking charge in the bedroom, he’ll be happy to follow his partner’s desires wherever they may lead. Quite a nice package too; it’ll be worth the wait to see it since he doesn’t take naughty selfies as a rule. At or just before his eventual wedding he’ll introduce his new spouse to his friend, a meeting that will lead to many warm and companionable nights together that may optionally end in orgies.

By all appearances he’s your average clean-cut mild-to-wild twenty something, looking for casual dates and maybe a little fun while he finishes up school or ascends his chosen career ladder. He has a weakness for younger guys though…including those who are clearly falsifying their ages to be on the apps in the first place. It’s no big deal now - who doesn’t understand the appeal of a twink who knows how to work it? - but in a decade or so he’ll be decidedly in creepy sexual predator territory. As his current trajectory seems to be setting him up for a high profile position it’s probably best to stay away or risk being caught up with him when the shit hits the fan, but then again he could find himself a nice stable boy to date and settle into the comfortable and mostly-monogamous role of sugar daddy. His biggest fantasies involve electroshock kink, so his greatest challenge will be finding a twink who’ll get into that too.

Still bears the remnants of a tragic emo phase that he hasn’t quite left, but to his credit he can take (some) jokes about his weird hair and makeup choices. Pot and hallucinogens used to be his scene, but he’s been trying to get clean for a little while now. Unfortunately he’s still the type of guy who’s best dealt with through a phone or in the dark and smoky atmosphere of a bar, because he smells horrendous up close. Hookups are surprisingly fun though they come with the challenge of sneaking into whatever sober living community he currently calls home, and with that environment if he’s hit it off with anyone there odds are things will get awkward if he’s discovered playing the field. He’s quite aware that he’s not boyfriend material in any sense to anyone who’s not as screwed up as he is, but he’ll still smile and give his partners a warm hug and a reminder to come back anytime after they’ve gotten dressed. He just really appreciates the company. Has an interesting selection of cock rings, up to and possibly including a Prince Albert.

His selfies surprise in their quality and variety, and it takes only one meeting with this guy to figure out that the serious tone of his profile regarding community outreach and sex positivity belies his dark sense of humor and even darker bedroom proclivities. He’s enjoyed the company of numerous call boys and amateur porn stars and will let anyone know it, though he’s not enough of a dick to be the kind to expect that level of performance from anyone. All the same he’ll be more engaged in conversation with a guy he can sense is experienced, as he doesn’t get much out of training untried virgins (or claims he doesn’t, anyway). Can go either way - he loves to take bottoms hard and fast just as much as he loves to take huge uncut cocks (more than one at a time if he can get it) himself. He’s by no means hardcore femme, but he wears the reclaimed labels of effete gay stereotypes with pride and won’t hesitate to throw them in anyone’s faces if they take issue with that. It’s doubtful anyone’s seriously looking to date him given how rough around the edges he can seem, but he’s got a little something lowkey romantic on the side of all the wild fucking so he doesn’t much care if his unconventional life choices raise any eyebrows.

His marriage is happy in spite of its conventionality, and he only found himself making a profile on the apps after he shared with his wife the story of the college roommate he had a massive crush on but never had the courage to approach. He’s just as painfully earnest online about his situation: he’s just looking to experiment with something he’s not yet experienced outside of his own fantasies and the occasional foray into the equivalent porn. Can’t take a selfie for the life of him and his looks are just starting to go - maybe he’ll try growing a beard at some point once he learns about bears and such - but there are still a few friendly and open-minded men willing to take him up on his offer of mutual masturbation and possibly some oral. Anal play of any kind is still a pipe dream for the moment, but one has to give him points for trying…and his wife for being so understanding, even if after cumming with someone he might quietly intimate that things weren’t always so peaceably open between the two of them. Never blocks anyone, but all his hookups tend to forget about him shortly thereafter anyway. His wildest dream involves meeting his roommate again somehow, having a few drinks and seeing where the night takes them, but what are the odds of that?

He may no longer be on active duty, but he maintains the strict sense of duty and regimentation that comes with the “military” tag on his profile (though this clearly does not extend to his personal grooming). Is one of those guys who’s really into exotic pets, but at least his favorite reptiles are low-maintenance and won’t interrupt foreplay by demanding cuddles. Shies away from rough types like himself, preferring the company of twinks who love to ogle his biceps and make him feel needed and important even if it’s just for the few minutes it takes for him to fuck them to an explosive prostate orgasm. Tends to get wistful after sex, and some prodding will reveal that he’s still holding a candle for someone he knew back in his service days who ended up marrying someone else. It’s exactly the sort of thing to ward off more vapid partners from looking for repeat visits, but a sufficiently sensitive touch may just be able to help him move on and turn him into long-term relationship material. The dick alone would be worth it.

Is a known regular at every bar, strip club, and urgent care center (for gonorrhea, and hopefully nothing worse) in the area. Perpetually drunk, frequently high, and willing to hit on anything that moves, even high school students if he thinks he can get away with it. His hookup space is casually enticing for seekers of NSA, and he’s got a fully-stocked album and a range of videos showcasing everything on offer. Likes to manspread in public to show off the goods, not that he’s packing anything huge down there. Similarly, when not performing for the camera his skill in bed is more imagined than actual, even on the rare occasions when he’s actually sober. When he’s not indulging his vices he’s busy composing filthy poems of questionable quality and writing half-formed sentences for a novel that may surprise everyone by actually getting written one day, assuming he doesn’t OD or get himself murdered first. No one knows what he does for a living and he’s not telling; the best guess anyone has is that he’s a humanities major dropout and either a trust fund baby or a prostitute. Possibly both.

Never uses a face pic and gives out a pseudonym when asked, which he explains by telling guys that he’s a politician. Dreams of silk sheets and caviar and a media circus should things go south are quickly dashed before the first date even begins however, because in fact what he really means is that he’s a working-class aspiring politician with a massive chip on his shoulder and a hunger to work his way up through whatever menial government post he can manage. Resents anyone with more money than him and will angrily rebuff offers of compensation for his time *ahem*, and the sex that he does have is stiff and almost never ends in orgasm for anyone. Very few guys will come back for seconds, particularly since his political views lead toward establishment conservatism and as such he’s almost certainly got some internalized homophobia he’s making a powerful effort to ignore. Everyone may at least take comfort in the fact, should he ever actually get elected anywhere, his stubbornness and various neuroses will ensure that he’s terrible at the job.

Forget about asking for stories of wild nights in the seminary, because he’s always been a priest on a mission. He’s not on any hookup apps and rarely goes drinking, but he’s met his share of guys nonetheless doing community outreach or missionary work. Is usually too busy and too dedicated to even consider being fun in bed, but he’s not bad to look at for a little clerical fantasizing and makes for a fascinating conversationalist for all manner of theological and philosophical discussion. His political sympathies are just slightly radical for his order so it’s not entirely out of the question that he might one day be tempted to indulge himself, but lacking experience it would mostly come down to affectionate cuddling and cute fumbling with the logistics of the serious stuff. No one could keep up with his lifestyle of wandering service, but he doesn’t mind since he can make sincere friendships and encourage guilty boners wherever he may happen to find himself.

By a combination of good fortune and deliberate cultivation he’s a near exact likeness for a celebrity much lusted-after by the gay community at large, a point that he exploits to his advantage whenever possible. Protects himself from the possibility of lawsuits and the strong likelihood that his doppelgänger is straight by using the classic headless torso and genitalia close-up approach to serve for introductions and only agreeing to discreet NSA hookups in semi-public places. He can only maintain the façade in the digital space however, as anyone who meets him in person will instantly note that he sounds and acts nothing like the man he’s impersonating. He’s unskilled and clumsy during sex, but bizarrely he makes for an excellent teacher and has successfully helped many a hapless kid hone his technique at topping or giving head or taking a dick…or a dildo rather, since he can’t be relied upon most of the time to aim himself properly. His world will implode if he’s one day rebuffed by a guy who claims adamantly that he’s not who he says he is because the actual celebrity’s dick is bigger - and he’s got the photographic evidence to back it up.

Seems innocuous at first glance, a kindly older bear with some mildly interesting conversation and a handful of tame pictures of himself at home or out with friends to offer. He’s been through some rough patches but lives quietly and comfortably now, and while he’s a bit past his prime he’s easily pegged as a dream daddy, with or without sugar. It’s after the night’s wearing on and the foreplay has moved into a horizontal position that a major problem presents itself - this man will not cum. Suck him until your jaw locks, ride him until even he can’t handle the strain anymore, tongue him and fuck him until you can’t stay hard, leave hickeys all over his neck, massage his balls, nipples, ass, feet, and wherever else he can think to point out…nothing will get him off. It’s not because he doesn’t want to and isn’t trying either, but whether it’s because the years have taken their toll on him, he was never very sexual to begin with, or he has a crippling porn addiction you’d practically need to host a sixteen-man orgy with the wildest, dirtiest fucking anyone could conceive in order to get him to blow his load. He’s bound to lose interest eventually in anyone who can’t satisfy him in bed too, so there goes those ideal daddy fantasies. Would it even be worth all that effort, though?

He’s very well known for his charisma and presence, and not just to the local community. He makes friends easily on apps not by trading pictures but by engaging in extended, thought-provoking conversations that get gently steered away from sex at every opportunity. Larger than life he may seem, but he tends to underwhelm on a first real meeting; he’ll come across as aloof and distracted, and he doesn’t seem to have a very good grasp on how to progress a relationship beyond cocktails and warm glances. Presumably he’s never had much in the way of sexual mentorship, but whatever the explanation don’t expect too much from him once his clothes finally come off. Oh, he’s surely very well-endowed and well-formed in general, but it would be better to look elsewhere if you’re in search of someone who actually knows how to put his good genes to work. He’s got a nice selection of toys though, particularly for anal play, so those might work as bedroom icebreakers.

He’s downright grungy from the state of his appearance and the dingy backdrops of his selfies, enough to where the aged bad boy charm might not even be enough to carry him. He spends his life floating from one dive bar to the next, a recovering something or other who’s fallen off the wagon so many times it’s a wonder he’s not dead in a ditch. He’s even paying child support for a kid or two, a result of either youthful experimentation or genuine bisexuality that was poorly thought-out regardless of its cause. Skilled and domineering in bed, but won’t be into breeding guys since he’s just now learning to be responsible with condom usage…not that those will stop him from occasionally passing on his crabs or his herpes. He’ll never be a reliable father, husband, or partner on any level, but under his gruff exterior there are a wealth of stories to be teased out of him during whatever pillow talk he’ll allow, poignant and bittersweet and most shockingly of all reaching back to a past life of wealth and privilege when he was (comparatively) sober and washed his clothes more than once a year.

#Fire Emblem #Jugdral #FE5 #Joke post

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akhmenos · 5 years ago

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Invisible

To be trans is to be in constant discussion with visibility.

We talk about stealthing, about how often our only defense is to go unnoticed. We are killed, at best, for being visible, so we disappear, and if we’re really really lucky, we get to disappear as our genuine gender. I haven’t. I have had to be stealth in the closet for years. I thought I would be for life, but that’s for later.

And we talk about the need for visibility, for representation, screaming across the street and screen that we are not alone. The first time I saw a trans woman who called herself a trans woman was... late high school? Before that, all I knew of the people I would one day join was rapist and serial killers and monsters.

More than that, when I finally saw trans women who were just people, they were skinny, beautiful, feminine. They had completed transness and could pass and everyone stood up and clapped at how brave they were.

I have seen maybe three total images of trans women who are built like me. I’m not quite built like a brick shithouse, but I’m big. I have muscle enough to bend steel, to shatter wood and stone, to carry multiple hundreds of pounds on my shoulders.

And I’ve just about never seen a woman built like me as a sex object. Lean, muscled ones? Sure. Broad, ripped ones, with six packs and an undercut? Of course!

But a hairy, kinda pudgy girl, whose body isn’t optimized for anything other than violence? No, we are either invisible or monsters. We are the trans women that every terf thinks of. We have dark facial and body hair, so we have a five-o-cock shadow even as the razor blade scrapes along our skin. Our shoulders are broad, and our hands scarred, and calloused, from the work that we have had to do, because we were not seen as women.

And I joined not just tumblr but the lesbian community of tumblr, hoping, praying I would get to see myself. And a million text posts arose, saying “we love trans women!” “hairy women are wonderful!” But they didn’t mean me. I know they didn’t and in some ways, they have to know they don’t, because we aren’t exactly popular on their blogs, not speaking as ourselves.

No picture of a hairy, pudgy, muscular, trans femme will ever show up on their blogs. No gifs of us, covered in notes about how hot we are, how they just want to hold us, keep us safe from a world that has expected nothing but violence from us.

And that’s not entirely their fault, I don’t think. My blog ain’t filled with us either, because there ain’t tons of us, not loud and not visible online. We’re not making content to be reblogged because we are invisible.

We are always invisible. (I’m going to rather pointedly misgender myself for a purpose here, so trans readers might not want to read). We are the long-haired men who look in on a community they cannot experience, the men who would grow out their nails, but can’t. The men who have known nothing except shame. Shame from the women who we long to be among, and shame from the men who we could never quite connect.

All of this came in reaction to a post by someone on tumblr who I love, talking about the shared look and experience of femmes and butches, connecting through their eyes, knowing that the other is living in a world that doesn’t want them, but able to share in a world they created, that does.

And not only did I want it, I knew I could never have it. I am a femme. But I cannot show that to the world, because I legitimately will die that way. I was pushed into dressing femininely by administrators, because if I wanted to be respected as Ms Baker to my students, I had to show up in dresses, makeup perfect, with pearl earrings. And not only was I terrified in every moment, knowing full well how easily I could be killed by any cop who pulled me over, wondering if this would be the day I was finally beaten to death or dragged behind that pickup my student’s parent dropped them off in. Not only was I terrified, I hated it. I couldn’t play with what femininity meant to me, such a central experience of being femme. I had to dress like the bosses told me I had to, because maybe if I played along hard enough, maybe if I kept this up forever, maybe someday someone would respect me without me having to pretend to be a man.

And I am exhausted. So I fall back into what is safe - thick jeans and hoodies and not shaving. I haven’t worn makeup or jewelry in months.

I am invisible.

But in my invisibility, I lack even the most tenuous connection the community I love. I cannot have that shared look with a butch, I cannot be complimented or flirted with them like in these stories.

If I were to stare at a butch, like I see in these posts, nervous and checking them out, they won’t say “see you around” as they get off the train. If a handsome stud is walking by me, and I turn to stare because they radiate handsomeness and because I fell in love with them, a little bit, on sight, they won’t smirk and share a look with me on our community. When I try to muster the confidence to talk to that sweet boi in my class, they won’t take the initiative and flirt or strut.

You know what they’ll say?

“What is that man doing looking at me? Why can’t I just be left free from someone like him?”

They probably won’t say it out loud, because they don’t even feeel safe enough near me for that.

And that’s not their fault. How are they to know?

But it breaks my heart all the same, when I read these stories. Because I will die someday, and they show me how. I will either die because of the dysphoria and the longing that being invisible and ‘safe’ like this brings, knowing that I am making the people who I want to love and support uncomfortable with my eyes.

Or I will break down and dress as who I am even when walking the streets.

And someone will kill me. Hopefully (but not very likely) they’ll do it quickly.

And God Damn me but I’m tempted to be visible. Even knowing that every day I do I roll the dice. No matter what they do to me, it can’t be as bad as this.

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drsilverwoman · 6 years ago

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My Girlfriend Wants me to be Gay

2011

The most recent articulation of this desire came last night after watching Charlotte York declare that she is becoming a Jew, in order to have a real chance at love with her new man Harry Goldenblatt. Charlotte and Harry are of course characters on Sex and the City, one of the shows that will be part of my dissertation. Chelsea is watching the entire series with me for the first time, and each episode she looks to me in wonderment, is that really what straight women think? Do men really have hairy backs like that? What kind of odd shaped dicks have you seen? What makes a good diamond? Did she really say 14,000-dollar wedding dress?

Last night however, after watching Charlotte’s willingness to convert for the man she loves, Chelsea turned to me and told me “I’d go Jew for you, since you went gay for me.”

Is it by nature of me being a woman and having a sexual, emotional and monogamous relationship with another women, that I become gay? If I have spent most of the last ten years of my life sleeping with men, does all of that disappear as I commit myself to Chelsea? What does it mean for me to be a lesbian?

Chelsea is a lesbian. She is butch, she has little to no relations with men or interest in them, and she only wants to date other lesbians. Chelsea finds no appeal in converting straight girls, or being the fantasy-curiosity in the heterosexual woman’s sexual identity. Nope, she wants full on lezzies in her bed. She wants to be immersed in the lesbian community- one she loves, values, and gets much of her strength from. She relishes in the circle of friends she has made, and next week as we head up to Pride in New York City, the Dyke parade is the only thing she cares to see.

I am not quite there yet, and I don’t know if I will ever be. Last year around this time I began my first relationship with a woman, Chelsea’s nemeses actually. Ali and I met at a Halcyon, the local lesbian folk group’s monthly concert, and dated for about six months. Ali and I were doomed from the start. She wouldn’t commit, I slacked on my work, we resented each other and we fought, a lot. I knew within weeks of dating it should be over. I thought women might be different. I hoped the fighting would go away because we were able to communicate better. But gay or straight, when you fight in the beginning things don’t last too long. Still, I wanted to date a girl. I needed to date a girl. I had been trying for so long that I was willing to take this shitty relationship just so that I could have a relationship with a woman. I wanted to be part of lesbian community, one I had spent so much time on the periphery of, and one that I had so longed to be part of.

I remember in college my roommate Megan was dating a woman named Megan and regularly we would have lesbian, vegetarian potlucks at our small apartment in Montreal. The years of living together had worn on Megan’s and my relationship and so when these women would venture to our home I was cast away at the man-loving meat eater. From the doorway of my bedroom I would watch these women, wanting to be amongst them, while also ridiculing their need for constant affirmation as well as their dietary choices. Years later, when Ali and I began dating I realized why that affirmation was necessary. However, I also continued to ridicule the vegetarian-lesbian connection. A recent convert to vegetarianism, due to her ex-girlfriend’s eating habits and her newfound post-college political awareness, I enjoyed regularly reminding Ali she was not the first woman to give up meat. More so, that I would not give up meat for her, nor would I feel bad about my choice to eat flesh.

“I’m so gay for you,” I told Chelsea a few weeks ago after an amazing hour or so of sex. Relishing the numerous orgasms I had just had, and smiling over Chelsea’s newfound theory that fingers are like dicks with brains (again, after an episode of Sex and The City in which Samantha describes a blow job as a pussy with brain) I really was feeling very mush a lesbian. But thing is, I don’t really know what that meant when I said what I did, and I am still not sure.

The next morning, when I got home from the gym singing along to Fred Durst, Chelsea asked me if I was still going to be gay for her that day. She seems to think lesbians cannot like Limp Bizkit, or that if I am going to like Fred Durst (and Kid Rock and Eminem for that matter) then I need to over emphasize my gayness in other ways. She secretly has a weakness for Toby Keith so I am not really sure about the fairness of this logic. However, I guess my ability to pass and my femme identity, one that always already renders women within the heterosexual male gaze forces me to assert my sexual identity in other ways. So, that day, after the gym, I was sure to file my nails down extra short before I got in the shower, and while dressing I opted for a butchier racer back tank-top over one with skinny spaghetti straps. Ah yes, I thought, today I am gay.

I am learning what it is to be a lesbian, and each day I think I am closer to being gay for Chelsea, but I can’t deny that sometimes when Samantha talks about how much she enjoys giving a blow job, or Carrie exclaims that she will not survive much longer without the weight of a man on top of her, I can relate. Ten years of sex with men, with quite a few I may add, of various shapes, sizes, ethnicities, backgrounds, and in a variety of locations and positions does not disappear in a year. No matter how much I adore sex with women and the intimacy I have found with Chelsea that is unlike anything I have experienced before, I still wonder, am I gay?

I know what she means though when she tells me she wants me to go gay for her, well I know some of what she means. I know that she wants me to stop comparing my sex with her, to sex with men. More then that, she wants to stop comparing sex with women to sex with men. At times I fear she wants me to spend less time with my straight friends and become more a part of her community, a desire I know she has, but fears to express. When men look at me she is intrigued, and often wants to understand how I enjoy it while she finds it threatening. She often asks me about the variety of dicks I have seen, are they really as temperamental as the women of Sex and the Cityclaim? Somehow she wants me to recount dick stories to her and not include the people who were attached. Does she think straight sex has no feeling? Having last had sex with a boy in high school, she knows nothing of the intimacy men and women share together. Nothing of the joy of hands-free sex. Nothing of the ease of just putting it in and both getting off at the same time. And nothing of the amazing sensation that occurs when a man comes inside of you just as you are orgasming.

My friend Ryan has the dirtiest mouth of anyone I know and when he jokes about balls and dicks and asses I laugh out loud, she grimaces and asks me to not make her hang out with him again. When my friend Jess comes over with a weekend full of single straight girl stories of casual kisses and drunken make-outs, I smile and remember the good old days. Chelsea finds her boy-craziness annoying and wonders what about it I can find enjoyable. For someone who studies gender and trans identities, it often amazes me how quickly she places people into a straight gay binary, and within that construct excludes straight men from her world.

But this is not a rant about Chelsea, or her politics, because I adore her and I also know that she is young, still living in a world similar to the one Megan constructed at McGill. One I know women value and maintain, but outside of college we cannot exist in such contained bubbles and Chelsea is beginning to recognize the variety of men and that there are even some she might enjoy the company of. More so, this is not about Chelsea’s politics because it is about me being gay, or trying to be.

What does it mean for me to become gay? For Chelsea to become a Jew there is a process, she would convert. There are ceremonies and rituals and ways of initiating her new identity. I could have a coming out party, we joke about the idea of it, but ultimately it seems to silly to happen. When I am with Chelsea the word sees me as gay. But when I tell me family and friends, the people I have known the longest, about Chelsea they wonder what happened to the woman who for years had relationships with men, and quite a few of them. Although my parents don’t know about many of my partners most of my close friends have an inkling as to my sexual history, and it is vast. I often joke about the need to write a memoir of my sex life, The Biography of my Bed, I want to call it. It would be full of fun tales and silly stories, many involving dick. But dick is taboo in the lesbian world. And this I know, because when Ali and I finally ended due to her reading my emails and discovering my cheating behaviors, the only behavior that ever got back to me was the moment when I described to Jess how nice it felt to once again have a dick in my mouth. My reputation in the lesbian community was momentarily destroyed. And so I found Mallori, got back my lesbian credibility, and then Chelsea (who is also preceded by a bad reputation, although hers has nothing to do with dicks) admitted after months of sitting next to me in class and me telling her I like her, that she liked me. We have been dating ever since, and now I guess I am gay, again.

Ben’s dick, well I did like it in my mouth. And I liked it between my legs. I also liked his hairy chest and his masculine ways of being. I also like Chelsea’s masculine ways of being, her hand between my legs and her clit in my mouth. I hate the term bisexual. It brings up too many negative stereotypes; greedy, promiscuous, undecided, and disloyal, just to name a few. Whereas many straight men may think bisexual women are sexy and intriguing there is no such affirmation within the lesbian community. At best I have found acceptance from those who know better than to judge based on sexuality. Many acknowledge the fluidity of sexuality and recognize the hypocrisy of judging one’s sexuality and using it to think less of them. Too many gay people have had the same tactics employed on them and so in theory they know better than to do the same, but in practice the taboo against bisexual women remains strong and often works as a way to keep people outside of the in group.

Being in that group is such a joy! Don’t let anyone tell you different, there is power in the margins and there is pleasure in living in a semi-secretive world. Whether that counters the negativity many queers face when they daily negotiate the normal world I cannot say, but I do know there is fun found in finding yourself outside the norm.

So what does me being gay mean for my girlfriend? I know that the sex acts between us and the relationship we have, which for most folks constructs us both as lesbians, may not be enough for her. She knows too much theory and too much reality about the lives of sexual beings and so when she says to me that she will go Jew for me because I will go gay for her, what have I done? Well, in jest I have told her that I am gay for her. When I return home from the gym with some angry white boy blaring in my ear I remind her that my bad taste in music has no effect on my desire for her.

Maybe I need a coming out party the same way one goes through a religious conversion process. But the fact is, if Chelsea and I break up I don’t care if she stays Jewish, that is, unless we have kids. Are kids the determining factor? If we were to split, I would want her to continue raising our children as Jews, so it makes sense that she would want to have me continue raising our kids as a lesbian. Can one convert their sexuality the way they might change their religion. Does a Jewish convert ever stop missing Christmas? Do they ever really know what it is like to be born a Jew and be excluded from so many activities as a child? And does a woman, such as myself, who at 30 decides to be a lesbian, ever stop missing the feel of a dick? Do I ever really know what it means to be a lesbian when the thought of having sex with a man doesn’t make my skin crawl?

#lesbian femme #lesbian #femme

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petitelepus · 8 years ago

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A Simple Femme In Beast’s Suit, Part 1

Okay, so this work is on my AO3 user PetiteLepus and this work is inspired by Zekkoss. Check them out, they’re awesome. I’ll tag @rocksinmuffin, my Senpai, and everyday inspiration since I want her to name the Reader! But enjoy the story!

It was a regular day in Lost Light, or at least it would have been if it wasn’t for Swerve. The metallurgist had heard a broadcast sent to the whole ship by Rodimus about how they were passing by an artificial planet called Ovika 1.5 and the minibot couldn’t be in a greater rush. So he abandoned setting up his bar for the night and told Ten to carry him with his bigger legs to the observation deck. They came in, doors busting.

”Captain,” Swerve called, but was silenced by the sight of both Rodimus and Megatron staring out in the space until the smaller mech had burst in. He fixed his mistake quickly, ”I- I meant, captains! W- we must visit that planet, it’s my life long dream, besides managing a bar, please let’s go there, even for an hour or half, I’ll give you both free drinks and energy treats for tonight!”

Rodimus’ optics widened and mouth formed to a smile, but before he could agree Megatron stepped in, ”Swerve, that planet is abandoned. There is nothing there. It’s just dust and dirt covered artificial cyber asteroid floating in space.”

”That’s exactly it!” Swerve smiled broadly and jumped down from his bouncer’s arms and made his way to his two captains.

”I’ve read about Ovika 1.5 when I was back on Cybertron studying and I know it’s an artificial cyber planet that had historic and highly rare and these days NON-EXCITANT energon chips planted on it for harvesting high functioning ancient energon, way more powerful than normal energon!” The white and red mech beamed excitedly.

”Wait, hold on, I don’t get this.” Rodimus interrupted before Swerve could start again and glanced him and Megatron in confusion, ”If this Ovika 1.5 is so great, then why it’s abandoned light-years away from Cybertron?”

Swerve was about to explain, with extra details that weren’t asked, but Megatron folded his arms and shot him a look. The metallurgist shut down immediately, even covering a little. The former warlord huffed and turned his grumpy look to Rodimus, ”The Ovika 1.5 was abandoned because it showed no sign of growing energon. Instead, it started to grow organic life forms. At that time it wasn’t wished result for such an expensive experiment so Council decided to launch it off to space and destroy all the data of it to cover up their mistake.”

”But the legend about the rich energon filled planet never died and mechs all around the Cybertron told stories about it and its location! I always wanted to find it and harvest the rich energon to make amazing new drink combinations that not only bring people happiness but nurse them also! They say that ancient energon can cure weak sparks, fuel mechs for a week with one sip, and even prolong life!” Swerve piped excitedly and clapped his hands, ”It’s also highly valuable! Worth millions!”

Rodimus brightened up like a light bulb and turned to mech in charge of controls. ”Park the ship here, we’re taking Rodpod and go take a look at that little planet!”

”Rodimus!” Megatron snarled and turned to his co-captain, ”This is not a good idea and you haven’t even consulted Ultra Magnus about this!”

”Relax, Magnus is having his armor checked by Brainstorm and Perceptor so he won’t a notice a thing if we disappear for an hour or two! We just get a couple mechs with us, get to the Rodpod and take a quick peek! If there is this ancient energon then we grab some and, well, let’s see what we’re doing then. For now, wham-bam in the van, let’s go! Swerve, you’re coming with us.”

”Yes!”

~~~

”This is remarkable!” Brainstorm shouted from the bottom of his chassis as he threw his arms in the air as if he was expecting the planet to embrace him. Mechs exited the Rodpod one by one, but he had to be the first one on the land. Nautica was close behind him and once she was next to her best friend she copied him perfectly, ”This is amazing!”

The artificial cyber planet had grown into a beautiful organic looking planet. The grass was tall like a meadow’s no matter where it grew, flowers as big as minibot’s head and strangely reminding some of them from tentacles as they hang from a bulb looking like an onion…?

The trees looked like Earth’s palm trees, but they were even taller than normal mechs were and leaves were fuchsia-colored and flowers brown like they were almost dead, but still alive. The sky was bright blue, but that had to be the only normal thing on that planet since even the clouds were light green. Heavier clouds were almost poisonous looking.

”Okay everyone, I’m giving you all a job!” Rodimus shouted, getting everyone’s attention.

”Brainstorm will do his science thingies and Nautica accompanies him.”

The nerd duo high fived.

”Rewind takes records from this place and you watch after him Chromedome. I don’t want to put anyone in danger.”

”I’ll guard him with my life.” Chromedome said as he leaned over his smaller lover's shoulder to nuzzle his facial mask against his Conjunx Endura’s own. Rewind returned the sign of affection with as much love, ”Oh Domey…”

Rodimus cleared his intake, averting his gaze from the lovely dovely couple and fixed his optics on Skids and Swerve, ”You two take a look around and see if you can find anything. Remember to report back to me. And for all of you make sure to scout the area carefully! Don’t leave a stone or a twig turned and report everything to me by our comms if you find anything!” Rodimus shouted and made a pose, ”Until all are one, so go wild!”

”YES!” And just like that everyone except, Rewind, Brainstorm and Nautica, transformed and went on their different ways. Rodimus drove to the South, Skids and Swerve drove to West, Chromedome took Rewind on top of him and they drove to North and Brainstorm and Nautica went on their ways to East, each one on their own mission.

~~~ At East ~~~

”Look at this bug Nautica! It’s amazing! Not the biggest I’ve seen, but it’s still pretty amazing!” Brainstorm squealed excitedly as he used his sample taker to poke the beetle that he had kneeled down to inspect. The femme was right beside him, looking curiously the beetle that reached to their knee joints. It made cricking sounds and shook its shell each time Brainstorm poked it.

”I wonder why it’s shell is bright red… and what are those orange spots on it? Wouldn’t it be better for it to camouflage to its surroundings? There must be a reason for its absurd coloring!” The scientist said as he poked the chubby beetle straight between its antennas and suddenly the beetle hissed and-!

”Watch out!” Nautica screamed and quickly yanked Brainstorm out of the way danger’s way. The beetle spat a spray of bright yellow spit at him, but thanks to the mech’s best friend’s fast reflexes, the spit flew past him and hit the ground, and just like that, the beetle bolted and run away to the lush grass. The duo watched after it, then each other and finally the spit on the ground.

”I think it doesn’t need camouflage to hide.” Nautica noted. The spit hissed as it melted a giant hole on the ground and killed all the plants around it. Brainstorm squealed again and quickly got out his vials and took samples, ”Of course! It’s not trying to hide, but warn the predators that it’s dangerous and someone not to mess with! I must document this and run some tests on this acid to find out its composition to create more of it! Then I can mass produce it for my weapons! Imagine the possibilities!”

Nautica chuckled as she watched her friend blabber over how he needed to analyze the acid’s composition to create more of it and talk about all the great weapons he could create with it. While he took samples, she took a look around. The planet was weird but very pretty on its own way. Nautica couldn’t almost believe that it was accidentally created by Cybertronians, but if the massive animals were any indicator about their roots then it matched.

On the corner of her optic, she noticed a big bush shaking couple steps farther from them. She was curious to see what caused the shaking and since Brainstorm was busy, she decided to investigate. Nautica didn’t expect to find what she did.

”Uh, Brainstorm? You might wanna see this.”

”Oooh, what what, what is it? Another critter?” The scientist giggled and ran to his friend. Nautica shook her helm, not averting her eyes from the show bestowed before her. Two rodents that looked like super hairy fluffy puff rats with longs green lizard’s tails were mating like there was no tomorrow. Interesting, but kinda gross also…

”Yew… Neat, but still, yew.”

”I want to take them back to the ship!”

”No you don’t.” Nautica chuckled and walked off to look for something else magnificent. It wasn’t hard. Actually, wherever she looked they saw the planet’s habitats… Being all over each other. Avians with leathery wings, bugs with bright colors, mammals with their weird six eyes.

Noticing that Brainstorm was still watching critters bang, Nautica went to her friend and pulled if away, ”C’mon you, dork, let’s give those animals some privacy!”

”Noooo! I want to take them with me…!”

”You can take that ancient energon once we find it.”

”Even better! Let’s go, let’s go!” The scientist laughed as he bolted straight into the wilderness, trying to find the ancient energon. Nautica chuckled at her friend when she noticed a flock of avians circling the sky not so far away from where Brainstorm had run off to. She followed her friend to the flock of birds and she almost couldn’t believe her optics.

Bones. Giant bones everywhere. Bigger than her and any basic mech. The avian vultures pecked the squeaky clean bones, trying to find something to eat from them, but they had already been cleaned from meat.

The avians must have been hungry since they would only change a skeleton when Brainstorm went to inspect one of them.

”Nautica! This is amazing, these bones are gorgeous!” He squealed like a sparkling and straight out lifted one from the ground, ”So heavy, but almost hollow! This creature had wings to fly with, but the size of a fighter!”

He threw the bone away and went to inspect the skull with enormous sharp fangs. ”These fangs indicate that this creature was a carnivore because it lacks the blunt molars to grind it’s the food like herbivores do to plants. These fangs were purely for ripping meat apart!”

As Brainstorm rambled on, Nautica started counting bones and how many creatures they had in their pedes. According to skulls at least three giant carnivores. She couldn’t help but wonder why these animals had died.

”Hey Brains, you got any idea why these guys died?”

”I thought you would never ask!” Brainstorm giggled and jumped over the skull he was investigating to take a look at its neck.

”Look look! This one’s neck was crushed with such force that it not only snapped the cervical vertebrae but it CRUSHED IT! It’s in pieces! This monster had no chance against its competitor when it had its neck in enemy’s jaws!”

Nautica nodded as her friend made his way to another skeleton, disturbing vultures as he went to its ribs. ”Suspecting by the crushed sternum, this one received a fatal blow to straight into its heart! A real kill shot, am I right!?”

Brainstorm jumped to the third corpse, rolled over a giant skull that was more damaged than other skulls. Not only was it’s front almost black, but there was a huge hole in the middle of the forehead. He pulled servo through the skull’s black part, only to smudge his servo. ”These burnt marks are so deep, that this one had its whole face burnt before something smashed it’s head inside!”

Nautica nodded, eyeing the corpses. ”That sounds interesting Brains.”

”It is, isn’t it!”

”You do know what this means, don’t you Brainstorm?”

”That there is a giant creature here, vicious enough to crush competitor’s neck, strong enough to pierce a chest and able to breathe fire or strong acid through its mouth!”

A silence fell over them as two of them thought what was just said. And just like that, they both quickly opened comm links.

’This is your Captain? Did you find anything?’ Came Rodimus’ voice through the comm.

’Captain, uh, Rodimus? We have a problem!’ Nautica was saying when she was interrupted.

’Yeah, no shit. I found something. Something is seriously-! Hold on, Chromedome is contacting us.’

’This can’t wait-!’

’Rodimus? Is Brainstorm also on this comm?’ Came Chromedome’s voice.

’Nautica is here also!’ Brainstorm cheered.

’Hi Chromedome! We got the news! Bad news!’

’They can’t be as bad as our news!’ Rewind joined the link, ’There are hundreds of capsules here, from Cybertron!’

’Okay, that beats my news.’ Rodimus said, ’Nautica, Brainstorm, Chromedome, and Rewind, let’s all meet back at the Rodpod. I’ll contact Skids and Swerve and tell them to return-! Hold on, they’re just contacting me.’

’We’re in trouble!’ Skids yelled straight into comm link.

~~~ At North, Quarter Earlier ~~~

”Seeing anything Rewind?” Chromedome asked as he kept driving through the tall grass that seemed to go on and on forever. The minibot kept his visor and camera on the horizon, trying to see anything worth filming or noticing. Like a big rock that was coming up.

”Turn left to avoid a rock coming up-! No wait, it’s a sheep. It’s a sheep that looks like a rock. Just drive past it!”

”On it.” Chromedome drove past the sheep, only to hear unholy screeching behind him and Rewind’s hold on his roof tightened. ”Oh frag, it wasn’t a sheep, but a ram and it has big horns and it’s angry!”

The bigger mech laughed, ”How bad can it be, it’s organic. It won’t catch us-!” Chromedome had to swallow his words before they got past his vocalizer as hard and pointy horns rammed against his rear bumper.

”Frag!”

”What did I tell you!” Rewind shouted, but there wasn’t even a hint of malice or sassiness in his voice as it was only laced with laughter, until the ram rammed against his lover again, almost knocking minibot off from him. Without another word, Chromedome sped up until they left the ram eating dust.

”This planet is weird! I love it!” Rewind laughed as he filmed over his shoulder how the ram was left behind. Surely mechs on the ship would love to see them getting chased by a rocky organic.

Chromedome laughed, his engine rumbling with mirth. Then his lover noticed something and patted the vehicle’s hood to get his attention. ”Domey, there is something in the distance.”

”More rams perhaps?”

Rewind focused his optics behind his visor and used his camera to zoom in. He saw many round things in the distance, but he couldn’t tell what they were. ”No, they look like them, but it’s not it. I don’t get any signs of life from there.”

”Should we check it out?”

”It wouldn’t hurt.”

The duo made their way to mysterious objects, only to be shocked out of their minds. Rewind got off from his Conjunx Endura so Chromedome could take his normal mode. The minibot was about to approach the mysterious round objects, when the bigger mech stopped him, pushing him behind himself and approaching objects first.

”What on old Cybertron…?” Chromedome muttered as he touched the weird grass-covered object. When nothing happened, he swiped his servos over the grass, pushing it to the side. He felt his optics widen behind his visor and without his notice Rewind creeping beside him. ”Primus. Domey, do you realize what these are?”

The bigger mech nodded before wiping both his hands over the plants, getting rid of them, and uncovering what they hid there. It was a capsule. Old as time and rusted through every protective layer of metal. Chromedome put some extra pressure on the rusted surface and the rotten metal shattered under his servos like crystal. He couldn’t almost believe what he saw.

A protoform of a cybertronian sparkling, not even fully evolved. It still had its white soft armor, black outlines, and nonexistent head. There were no other details in it that growing sparkling would have. Chromedome extended his hand and carefully felt the protoform. It was stone cold and not emitting any field.

”Rewind… what are these?” The big mech asked without looking away from the cybertronian baby.

”I heard rumors back in old times when the Council decided to get rid of Ovika 1.5 that they used it also as their way of getting rid of failed power spark experiments.” The minibot explained.

”Power spark?”

”They wanted to create an artificial spark that was stronger than normal cybertronian’s spark that could carry much bigger loads than other mechs’ sparks could. Imagine a mech who actually is as big as Ultra Magnus’ armor, but can put on armor much bigger than that.”

”Primus… Those would have changed the whole war.”

”Yeah, but they said that experiments went wrong. Sparklings took deformed forms, grew too small, became predacons, some were weaker than real sparks, and died out before even growing optics. I heard that all the protoforms were destroyed, but I guess that meant that they sent them off into space with Ovika 1.5…”

Chromedome grew silent. He took a look at small protoform, barely grown enough to form a face or alt mode. It had died in a locked capsule with no chances of ever seeing stars or life itself before its life was suffocated. He took a look at hundreds of other capsules and he could already tell that each one had a dead cybertronian sparkling in there.

”That is horrible…”

Rewind nodded, ”I tried to ask about it from Dominus, but he said his lips were shut and denied everything. Of course, I knew he wasn’t able to talk to me about everything but to hold this as a secret…”

The lovers gave a moment of silence to dead cybertronians that didn’t even see light but darkness before they probably starved to death. The moment was finally broken by the big mech. ”We should report to Rodimus and the rest of the crew. They should know about this.”

Rewind nodded and the duo contacted Rodimus through comm link. They connected to comm but were immediately met with Nautica saying something about waiting to the comm link.

’Rodimus? Is Brainstorm also on this comm?’ Chromedome asked about his friend.

’Nautica is here also!’ Brainstorm cheered through comm.

’Hi Chromedome! We got news! Bad news!’ Came Nautica’s voice.

’They can’t be as bad as our news!’ Rewind joined the link, ’There are hundreds of capsules here, full of protoforms from Cybertron!’

’We’re in trouble!’ Skids yelled straight into comm link.

~~~ At South, Ten Minutes Earlier ~~~

Rodimus drove like a madman through the wilderness. For once he was in a planet where there were no speed limits and he wanted to let go a little bit and be wild youngster that he was. There was no Ultra Magnus telling him to slow down or Megatron nagging at him.

The wildlife ran as soon as they heard his motors revving and going off so there wasn’t danger of hitting anyone. He had even left the grassy landscape behind him to avoid rocks or other things that could have been hiding in tall grass.

Rodimus kept driving, occasionally stopping to drift a little and leave his tidemarks on the ground until he saw something rising in the distance. The colorful mech made his way to the object and transformed.

”Wow. Well, you don’t see this every day.” Rodimus whistled. A giant pillar of teal-colored energon grew straight from the ground, growing few heads taller than. It was even so wide that he wouldn’t be able to wrap his arms around it.

”This has to be that ancient energon Swerve was talking about.” The Captain muttered by himself as he eyed the impressive monument. Who would have thought that little chips could grow so tall? Rodimus took a look around the pillar, trying to see if there was a crack or small piece anywhere, and there just happened to be a tiny piece of energon on the ground, just by pillar’s base.

”Hmm, might as well taste this and figure out what so great about this stuff.” Rodimus hummed as he picked up the tiny piece and propped it into his mouth and bit down.

”Ouch! Frag!” The mech cursed and spit the energon out. ”Frag…! That hurt, what I tried to eat? A piece of diamond!?”

Rodimus felt around his mouth, trying to feel if he had cracked a dental plate, but everything seemed to be still intact. He sighed in relief. His perfect smile was still flawless. Then he noticed something. Teal powder at the base of energon pillar.

The Captain wiped his servo over the powder and felt it between his servos. A very fine energon powder. Despite anything he had learned during his life, he licked the powder off from his servo.

Rodimus moaned in delight. That had to be the best energon he had ever tasted in his life! So sweet like energon treat, but not overly sweet and it melted on his glossa like softest oil cake ever. How something that gorgeous tasting could be as hard as a diamond?

The captain looked up, wondering where the powder came from because he wanted to see where the powder came from and he saw four deep grooves just above his head in the pillar. He felt his spark drop. Whatever had left such marks to a energon that hard wasn’t normal.

He had to contact others. Something was seriously wrong on that planet. Rodimus was just about to open his comm link and contact others when he was contacted first. According to incoming information it was from Nautica and Brainstorm.

’This is your Captain? Did you find something?’Rodimus asked.

’Captain, uh, Rodimus? We have a problem!’ Nautica was saying something, but Captain beat her to it.

’Yeah, no shit. I found something. Something is seriously-! Hold on, Chromedome is contacting us.’

’This can’t wait-!’

’Rodimus? Is Brainstorm also on this comm?’Came Chromedome’s voice through comm.

’Nautica is here also!’ Brainstorm cheered.

’Hi Chromedome! We got news! Bad news!’ Nautica said, only to be cut off again.

’They can’t be as bad as our news!’ Rewind joined the link,’There are hundreds of capsules here, from Cybertron!’

’Okay, that beats my news.’Rodimus said,’Nautica, Brainstorm, Chromedome and Rewind, let’s all meet back at the Rodpod. I’ll contact Skids and Swerve and tell them to return-! Hold on, they’re just contacting me.’

’We’re in trouble!’ Skids yelled straight into comm link.

~~~ At West, Five Minutes Earlier ~~~

”Oh my Primus! Skids, look!” Swerve shouted and pointed to the distance. The blue mech turned his attention from two banging giant crickets to look at what his friend was pointing at and he almost couldn’t believe what he saw.

Energon. Pure, brightly glowing energon crystal pillars that were almost as big as Skids raising from the ground in bundles. They were gorgeous, glowing with soothing strong teal color as no other energon glowed. Skids turned to Swerve whose blue visor practically shined in excitement. ”Skids, we found the ancient energon!”

”We sure did.” Skids chuckled as his friend yanked his hand, trying to get more speed to him so they could inspect the mysterious pillars. After the third tug he walked to energon with his friend. As soon as they were next to pillars Swerve let go of him and touched the energon.

”Primus, it’s smooth! I’ve never seen pure energon this smooth! Usually, they’re like unpolished rocks, diamonds, or gemstones. Ragged and sharp! This is almost like it was made to look this perfect!” Swerve babbled excitedly as he felt around the energon pillar like it was a beautiful mech before him.

The metallurgist actually tried to crack the energon with his fist, only for it to bounce back to him. ”Man, this is hard! I think we might need a laser drill or something to get even a piece of this back to ship with us! C’mon, help me with this, find a rock or something!”

”Whatever you need buddy.” Skids shook his head, but turned and started to look around for a rock. Meanwhile, Swerve kept inspecting the pillars, going multiple times around them, taking in every detail he could get.

”Did you find anything?” The red and white mech asked without looking at his friend.

”No, not yet.”

”Keep looking, there must be something that can crack this beauty up! There are already some marks on it!”

”Marks? What kind?”

”I don’t know, I’m not a wilderness professional, I’m a metallurgist, and I know by this hard energon that there is something even harder than that that left these marks here.” Swerve said excitedly, before he ran to his friend’s side, ”Imagine everything we can make with this much ancient energon! We could maybe even grow it on Lost Light, and imagine all the drinks I can make with it!”

”Okay okay!” Skids laughed and snatched a nice sized rock from the ground and turned to face Swerve. ”I think we should try with this rock…” Skids grew silent in a way of danger. A large shadow rose over two mechs as a monster, bigger than Skids had ever seen climbed on top of energon pillars.

The monster was huge, sharp jagged scales black as endless space adorning its body and long tail whipping behind it, enormous wings folded over it’s back and bright crimson lights glowing from scales’ seams over its chest and legs. Big and sharp horns grew from beast’s head, the couple from jaws and it didn’t even have lips to cover sharp looking fangs. Skids was officially scared.

”What? What is it Skids? You look like you saw a ghost!” Swerve laughed, completely oblivious of what was behind him. Until there was a deep gurgling growl. The minibot froze in his place and glanced over his shoulder and Skids saw his friend’s visor flicker.

Bright crimson eyes glared down at small metallurgist and monster’s claws tightened around the energon and it actually cracked under the sharp claws that sank into it, like it was soft energon gelatine.

”Swerve… Back up slowly towards me and don’t take your optics off from that creature…” Skids instructed his friend quietly, trying to stay calm in a dangerous situation. Swerve slowly did as he was told, backing up away, careful not to take his optics off from the monster before them.

The monster stared at them, but when a twig snapped under Swerve’s pede, it growled again and Skids acted. He threw the rock with all his might at the beast and the stone hit it straight to its shoulder. ”Let’s get out of here!” Skids yelled to Swerve and friends quickly transformed and hit the gas and drove away as fast as their tires could take them.

The monster screeched behind them, but the mechs didn’t stay to listen to it, but kept driving. If they were fast they could lose it.

That hope died when the familiar giant shadow landed on top of them. The monster was flying after them. Skids did the right thing he knew was right and opened comm link to the rest of his friends.

’We’re in trouble!’ Skids yelled straight into comm link as soon as he got the line open. ’There is a giant monster chasing me and Swerve!’

’Monster!?’ Came Rodimus’ voice in the comm.

’That’s what we tried to tell you, that there is something seriously dangerous in this planet!’ Nautica screamed to comm link.

’Okay, everyone, get back to the Rodpod, and let’s get out of here! Skids, can you and Swerve lose the monster after you?’ Rodimus asked.

’I don’t think so! It’s flying after us!’

’It can fly!? Interesting! Can you shoot it?’ Brainstorm asked.

’Okay, new plan, Brainstorm get to Rodpod and send an emergency signal to Lost Light! Skids, lead the monster towards South to me! Everyone else, get to the Rodpod and we buy you time to get there before joining you!’

’Got it!’ Everyone shouted and put the plan in action.

”Swerve, head to the Rodpod! I’ll be a decoy so you can get to safety!” Skids shouted over monster’s roaring and Swerve was quick to do as he said. ”Got it, on my way, be safe!” Skids and Swerve made quick turns, each in a different direction, and Skids even flashed his rear light to get the monster’s attention.

Two of them went to complete different directions and Skids did everything he could to get the monster to follow him… but to his horror, the monster ignored him completely. It went after his bartender friend.

Skids tried to turn on all his audios, trying to get a monster to come to him with noises, but the beast only showed interest towards the speeding minibot.

”Frag!” Skids cursed and made a quick U-turn and drove after his friend. He quickly contacted Rodimus.

’Rodimus, plan failed! The monster is after Swerve and heading towards Rodpod!’

’Pit! Okay, try to get that creature’s attention at any cost! I’ll be there in a second!’

’Roger that!’

Skids tried to catch up with his friend as best as he could, but the distance between them had grown too big. He tried to contact Swerve with comm link, but something was jamming the connection. The blue mech cursed and drove faster than he ever remembered driving, but it was too late.

Rodpod came to view and so did all their friends waiting for them there. Chaos hit them all like a shooting star. Everything happened in such a short time that no one couldn’t almost understand it. There was a roar and all of sudden the monster was just before them and glaring each one of them that it saw as invaders.

When Rodimus made it to the scene the beast roared again and surprised everyone by shooting a long stream of pure bright blue flames towards the sky. The heat was overwhelming, even if it wasn’t directed at any mech on the scene and for bots who didn’t feel heat or cold like organics, it was a great shock.

”Primus, it’s enormous!” Nautica shouted.

”Be careful everyone! Get to the ship when you get the first chance!” Rodimus shouted, getting next to Skids.

The monster whipped its enormous head towards Rewind with a growl and Chromedome was in front of his Conjunx Endura in a second, shielding him with his whole body and being, ready to bounce at the monster with empty hands. There wasn’t even a hint of fear of death in his actions. Not towards his death though. If he was to lose Rewind when he had just gotten him back then he would have truly died.

The monster dug its claws into the ground and focused its optics on Nautica and Brainstorm who were standing side by side. When the crimson eyes made contact with the scientist’s optics, he squealed like a mouse and hid behind Nautica, who stood her ground bravely, ready to protect her friend.

The black beast turned its attention on the rest of the group. Rodimus and Skids were side by side, ready to fight together against the attacker, their fists clenched and arms in the right position to throw punches as powerful as possible. For a second, it appeared that the monster was going to back out. It didn’t stop growling, but it raised it’s head off from threatening snapping position and even took a step back to retreat… until its eyes landed on Swerve.

Small, weak, and vulnerable Swerve was hiding behind a tree. That didn’t seem to launch the upcoming attack, but the fact that Swerve was alone.

The monster roared and in a blink of an eye rotated it’s head in a circle, shooting flames all over itself. Mechs ran away from the danger and the monster used the panic it created for its advantage as it ran straight through the fire towards Swerve.

”Swerve!” Skids shouted and ran towards his friend, but the monster whipped around and hit him with its tail, sending him flying straight into the air. Swerve got down on his knees when the monster got to him, trying to appear as small as possible. The beast swiped its claws through the air and with that move sliced the whole tree in pieces.

”Oh Primus, Skids, Captain, somebody!” Swerve screamed in terror as the monster’s claws wrapped around him.

”Hold on Swerve!” Nautica and Rodimus yelled and ran to save their friend. They had no time to waste. The beast turned towards them, roared and with a flap of its great wings, sent a surge of wind at them, knocking them on their afts.

The beast roared again and took off to the sky, Swerve with him and screaming from the bottom of his chassis. ”HEEEEEEELP!”

”Swerve!” The Autobot’s got together, Skids already in a motion to save his friend.

”Where it’s taking Swerve!?” The blue mech shouted, looking at his friends and then towards the black dot on the sky, ”C’mon, we got to follow it before it hurts him!”

Rodimus, Chromedome, and Nautica nodded in agreement.

”Okay, here’s what we do! Brainstorm, you fly after the beast, me and Skids follow behind you while Nautica takes Rewind and Chromedome back to Lost Light and comes back with Megatron, Ultra Magnus, and Whirl!” The Captain shouted orders, ready to transform to go after the monster, when Brainstorm got in his way, ”Wait wait, hold on!”

”Brainstorm, what the frag!?” Rodimus shouted at the scientist, ”That beast might drop Swerve at any given second or rip him apart! We must hurry, now!”

”I know I know, but listen! Me and Nautica made some important findings when we were exploring the planet! You see, it’s the start of the Spring season on this planet! Notice how flowers are blooming and those ancient energon bundles are glowing?” Brainstorm asked and pointed at each thing in his speech.

”Cut the chase Brainstorm and tell us what it matters!” Chromedome snapped, still holding Rewind tightly against his chassis, not showing any signs of letting his loved one touch the planet’s ground anymore. The scientist cleared his intake as a lousy cover up to his giddiness towards science, ”It’s animals’ breeding season! Me and Nautica took notes on many animals fragging in the safe places!”

Everyone glanced at Nautica and she nodded, ”Brainy tells the truth. We even saw a weird rodent with reptile tails doing it.”

”So what you’re saying is that-!”

”That’s right!” Brainstorm giggled like a madman, ”That monster saw a potential mate in Swerve, snatched him, and took him with him so it could breed with him!”

#reader #Reader insert #My Story #transformers #eventual smut #writing #Rodimus #Swerve #Nautica #Brainstorm #Chromedome #Rewind #Skids #simple femme

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