#brief mention of shadowgast

[stardusted-bookworm]

It'd been so long since he'd felt warm.

Sure, he'd felt the warmth of the sun. Of fire. Of lava. But external heat rarely thawed internal frost. And he had been cold for so, so long.

He had felt a brief warmth in the company of his two friends, only to be snuffed out by the one they'd called teacher.

After that? Eleven years of numbing frost had crawled through his insides, shutting off everything but the bare minimum.

He thought he'd never feel the warmth again. Had made himself content with the frost, for that would be all he'd know for the rest of his life.

Until it wasn't. Until the frost cracked and broke, shaking off little by little.

As he met a little goblin girl as filthy as he was. His loyal companion who did not belong to the skin she had been forced into.

As he met a blue tiefling girl with her love for pastries and unwavering devotion, a handsome half-orc with a loyalty that ran as deep as the oceans he dreamed about, and a brusque human woman who was running from her past with the same fervor as he was.

As he met a giant aasimar woman whose fearsome countenance was belied by her gentle nature.

As he met a beautiful lavender tiefling who sparkled brightly in order to bring joy to everyone around them. Their brilliance was so strong, he could not help but be drawn to them.

When they lost the lavender tiefling to powerful enemies.... Well, he had thought the frost would come back to stay. Felt the edges of a familiar coldness return and prepared for the worst.

Then, a wise firbolg taught him that death is not the end, that there are many, many ways to honor those who have passed.

He felt the last of the frost thaw completely, and he finally allowed himself to mourn. Allowed himself to trust. Allowed himself to love again.

And oh, how he loved.

He loved his friends, his family, the way a well-fed fire burns: brightly and unceasingly warm.

He loved his partner, his beautiful and intelligent and flawed partner, the way the stars shine: luminously and without end. For as long as they should live.

And as he lays here, on his deathbed, Caleb Widogast cannot help but think how lucky he is to be able to love and to be loved. How lucky to have known and seen as much as he did. How lucky he is to be filled with a warmth that so many spend their whole lives searching for.

I have lived my life well, he thinks, heartbeat slowing. I have no regrets.

And as he exhales his last breath, he smiles. I have so many stories to tell you, Mutter und Vater.

[otterlyart]

It’s been years since Lucien’s death, but the layout of Caleb’s Tower never changes. Once only the top floor had been devoted to memory, now all of it remains as a love letter to the friends he once traveled with.

Some days he sits and reads Der Katzenprinz and thinks of the joy in Jester's face as he narrated it, enjoying the smell of baked goods and more pastries than he’d care to admit.

Others he visits Yasha’s and looks at the flowers on the walls, pondering which to add or change the next time he creates the tower. More he decides. It’s what he always decides.

When he can't sleep he visits Fjord's, the soothing swing of a hammock bed never fully quieting his anxious mind, but it helps. Caduceus’ he visits for similar reasons. What better for sleep than a cup of tea?

Beau’s he visits for a laugh, the mirror still hanging shamelessly above the bed. “What a good friend I was”, he thinks circuiting around it so he doesn't have to see his own reflection. He doesn’t belong there anyway.

Veth’s he doesn’t visit often, but why would he? His hair still holds braids from his last visit to the Brennattos, some tight and held with leather and fine buttons, others clumsy and loose and made by even smaller hands. He doesn’t have the heart to take them out.

The guest room is the most changed, the furniture now a blend of Zemnian and Xhorhausian, the curtains turned a cool silver and tones of purple scattered throughout the rest of the upholstery. Fresh paper and ink sit near a sturdy writing desk and there also hovers a chair with thin legs that don't quite touch the floor. Caleb smiles as he briefly pokes his head in. It’s not really for guests anymore.

Decades pass and the tower is now a demiplane, anchored by love and recreated to the finest detail. It wasn’t hard if you had a mind for it and Caleb did. Using magic as a guide, he forged pathways between planes and connected the entrance to a series of keys, each as individual as the people he had once made rooms for.

He took comfort in the fact that his home would outlive him.

In the end it outlives all of them.

Almost all of them.

Many centuries later Essek walks into the tower. He says “up” to reach the seventh floor and cracks open the door to a plain room. He knows the old building like the back of his wrinkled hand, but every visit ends here. He can’t help but smile. So rare a man he had once known. A man who would pour out his soul for the benefit of a friend and give himself nothing.

Essek sits and remembers, and someday his key goes to someone else.

[sky-scribbles]

Fandom: Critical Role (Campaign 2) Rating: Teen and Up Relationships: Essek Thelyss & The Mighty Nein, Essek Thelyss & Verin Thelyss, Essek Thelyss & Uraya Characters: Essek Thelyss, Verin Thelyss, Uraya Hythenos Tags: 5+1 Things, Eiselcross, Character Development, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Assassination Attempts, Blood and Injury, Panic Attacks, Fantasy Religion, Mentions of Shadowgast Warnings: No archive warnings apply; violence/blood but nothing too graphic; Essek’s current fatalistic headspace; discussions of (fantasy) religion Words: 9125

Summary: The Mighty Nein erupt into Essek's life, teach him to love them - and then leave him behind. As the weeks pass, and the people who changed him do not return, Essek learns to change himself.

(Or: five things that change in Essek Thelyss after he parts ways with the Mighty Nein, and one thing that doesn't.)

[rainbowcaleb]

Fic Summary: Caleb was pining for Essek. And it was *terrible*.

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Welcome to another The Author’s Meta where I offer insight, dumb jokes, and a behind-the-scenes breakdown about the fics I’ve written. Today’s installment focuses on “Second Servings” (linked above), the second in my Shadowgast series.

As always, spoilers ahead! Consider this is like a director’s commentary on a movie; you’re gonna see the movie scenes if you read this :)

- This was actually the first Shadowgast I had a more solid idea of (other than a Particular Scene that is coming up in part 4). I had just marathoned most of campaign 2 and my mind kept circling around that cupcake episode (for obvious reasons, oh my god jester), and the Nein’s brief thought of contacting Essek as a way to get out quickly.

- and then my brain went brrrrr like a little shadowgast motor and “how would Essek respond to a message if him and Caleb had Just Done A Thing Together and then Caleb ran off an adventure again?” (the answer was, of course, with all the graces of a socially uncomfortable nerd)

- as an aside, strong moonshine will help polish metal. but then you have armor that smells like moonshine

{more after the cut}

- possible messages Caleb was rolling around in his head when he couldn’t sleep include things like “what are we now? what do we do next? does this mean things are different? do you want to see me again, kiss me again?” but of course that’s much too honest for where his headspace is right now

- I’d like to think in a future timeline Jester introduces Essek to the wonderful world of sweet breakfast foods and inundates him with a hundred years of donuts, pastries, pancakes, and other things he’s never tried

- for Essek’s possible messages, scroll up and see Caleb’s. M U T U A L   P I N I N G

- matt mercer tell us more about Essek’s tower and his cool ley line research, PLEASE I BEG YOU. Fine, fine, I’ll just have to write it myself later.

- Essek immediately being like “you want cool magic, I got cool magic!! let me share!” is just him being a romantic deep at heart.

- You would be surprised how long I agonized over magical laundry ideas. Like, does Essek have servants? I mean, probably, but I also like the idea of him choosing to be isolated and just neck deep in his own research and magic and being like “oh shit it’s laundry day” or “oh shit I forgot about that cup of tea I made six hours ago.” Just relatable academic things.

- You would NOT be surprised to know how difficult it was for me to hold myself back from “Caleb strips completely down in front of Essek because he isn’t that bothered by nudity, let’s see how Essek reacts” and keeping it mild (for the time being, lol).

- Listen....... gingers look great in deep blue. Essek knows this and definitely (self-indulgently) made sure to lend Caleb a coat that made him look awesome.

- We know what Caleb was doing (copying a spell) so what was Essek doing in the background? He was actually ignoring the vial of dunamis. He knows it’s probably stolen. He knows it’s probably related to the research he is helping the Assembly with. At this moment in time Essek is mentally doing gymnastics to explain how Caleb came across it, and has basically been jotting nonsense into his notebook to pretend to look busy. He basically settles to “the Nein stumble upon weird shit all the time, it must be a complete coincidence” and decides to refocus himself on kissing Caleb instead

- “You seem to haunt my laboratory lately.“ shout-out to the comment for finding my favorite line. Essek has it BAD.

- I have a LOT of thoughts on the fashion of the Bright Queen’s court and how patterns and colors have significance. Think about some of ye olde royal times with coat of arms and the such. Basically my (very long meta) thoughts boil down to the fact that these families can live a very long time, and when one dies they are brought back into that family den when they remember. Having specific patterns and colors associated with each den not only helps the reborn soul find their way back to their family quicker (like if for some reason they ask for directions or help and the helper doesn’t know the name, they could mention the color/pattern and the helper would likely recognize that and point the reborn soul in the right direction.) Also, it helps establish a rather strict hierarchy and social order. People would know what den you are part of immediately by looking at you.

- Another favorite part :  “What do you like, Caleb? Pleasure?” Essek murmured against his neck, pressing gentle kisses between words. Then he scraped his teeth against where he had been kissing, biting lightly. “Pain?” Y’all are NOT READY for when they ~~explore further~~. It should be in my next chapter update for part 4!

- friendly reminder mercer’s drow have FANGS. Just let that thought rumble up in your head. :) :) :)

- I am genuinely extremely sorry for how many times Essek and Caleb get interrupted mid-steamy scene. I promise later chapters will make up for it.

- me thinking about how debauched the boys look after their makeout session

- Essek’s weird reaction and pushing away from Caleb a bit is because his mind has raced back to the new refrain of “I am engaging in activities with a human, with someone from the Empire, with someone who does not know what I am doing right now, does not know what I have done. I am kissing the very man who brought the beacon back to my Queen, the one that I had helped smuggle.” big yikes Essek!

- Essek with the parasol from Jester will continue to be one of my favorite moments of this campaign so far. Thank you fanartists for all your contributions.

Well, this has been a Shadowgast Saturday and I hope you enjoyed this behind the scenes peek!

THE END.

So why am I doing this? (1) I adore behind-the-scenes and meta information from artists and authors. I love finding out why someone wrote a certain scene or chose a certain color. Maybe you’ll like my BTS too!

And (2) I want to learn a healthier way to engage with my own fics. I tend to write my fic, get stuck in a spiral of editing and editing and editing, get frustrated with editing and just post it, then never re-read it. (Yikes @ myself ). So this is a way for me to re-read my own fics and remember all the reasons why I enjoyed writing it in the first place!