#brief mention of shadowgast

[stardusted-bookworm]

It'd been so long since he'd felt warm.

Sure, he'd felt the warmth of the sun. Of fire. Of lava. But external heat rarely thawed internal frost. And he had been cold for so, so long.

He had felt a brief warmth in the company of his two friends, only to be snuffed out by the one they'd called teacher.

After that? Eleven years of numbing frost had crawled through his insides, shutting off everything but the bare minimum.

He thought he'd never feel the warmth again. Had made himself content with the frost, for that would be all he'd know for the rest of his life.

Until it wasn't. Until the frost cracked and broke, shaking off little by little.

As he met a little goblin girl as filthy as he was. His loyal companion who did not belong to the skin she had been forced into.

As he met a blue tiefling girl with her love for pastries and unwavering devotion, a handsome half-orc with a loyalty that ran as deep as the oceans he dreamed about, and a brusque human woman who was running from her past with the same fervor as he was.

As he met a giant aasimar woman whose fearsome countenance was belied by her gentle nature.

As he met a beautiful lavender tiefling who sparkled brightly in order to bring joy to everyone around them. Their brilliance was so strong, he could not help but be drawn to them.

When they lost the lavender tiefling to powerful enemies.... Well, he had thought the frost would come back to stay. Felt the edges of a familiar coldness return and prepared for the worst.

Then, a wise firbolg taught him that death is not the end, that there are many, many ways to honor those who have passed.

He felt the last of the frost thaw completely, and he finally allowed himself to mourn. Allowed himself to trust. Allowed himself to love again.

And oh, how he loved.

He loved his friends, his family, the way a well-fed fire burns: brightly and unceasingly warm.

He loved his partner, his beautiful and intelligent and flawed partner, the way the stars shine: luminously and without end. For as long as they should live.

And as he lays here, on his deathbed, Caleb Widogast cannot help but think how lucky he is to be able to love and to be loved. How lucky to have known and seen as much as he did. How lucky he is to be filled with a warmth that so many spend their whole lives searching for.

I have lived my life well, he thinks, heartbeat slowing. I have no regrets.

And as he exhales his last breath, he smiles. I have so many stories to tell you, Mutter und Vater.

[otterlyart]

It’s been years since Lucien’s death, but the layout of Caleb’s Tower never changes. Once only the top floor had been devoted to memory, now all of it remains as a love letter to the friends he once traveled with.

Some days he sits and reads Der Katzenprinz and thinks of the joy in Jester's face as he narrated it, enjoying the smell of baked goods and more pastries than he’d care to admit.

Others he visits Yasha’s and looks at the flowers on the walls, pondering which to add or change the next time he creates the tower. More he decides. It’s what he always decides.

When he can't sleep he visits Fjord's, the soothing swing of a hammock bed never fully quieting his anxious mind, but it helps. Caduceus’ he visits for similar reasons. What better for sleep than a cup of tea?

Beau’s he visits for a laugh, the mirror still hanging shamelessly above the bed. “What a good friend I was”, he thinks circuiting around it so he doesn't have to see his own reflection. He doesn’t belong there anyway.

Veth’s he doesn’t visit often, but why would he? His hair still holds braids from his last visit to the Brennattos, some tight and held with leather and fine buttons, others clumsy and loose and made by even smaller hands. He doesn’t have the heart to take them out.

The guest room is the most changed, the furniture now a blend of Zemnian and Xhorhausian, the curtains turned a cool silver and tones of purple scattered throughout the rest of the upholstery. Fresh paper and ink sit near a sturdy writing desk and there also hovers a chair with thin legs that don't quite touch the floor. Caleb smiles as he briefly pokes his head in. It’s not really for guests anymore.

Decades pass and the tower is now a demiplane, anchored by love and recreated to the finest detail. It wasn’t hard if you had a mind for it and Caleb did. Using magic as a guide, he forged pathways between planes and connected the entrance to a series of keys, each as individual as the people he had once made rooms for.

He took comfort in the fact that his home would outlive him.

In the end it outlives all of them.

Almost all of them.

Many centuries later Essek walks into the tower. He says “up” to reach the seventh floor and cracks open the door to a plain room. He knows the old building like the back of his wrinkled hand, but every visit ends here. He can’t help but smile. So rare a man he had once known. A man who would pour out his soul for the benefit of a friend and give himself nothing.

Essek sits and remembers, and someday his key goes to someone else.

[sky-scribbles]

Fandom: Critical Role (Campaign 2) Rating: Teen and Up Relationships: Essek Thelyss & The Mighty Nein, Essek Thelyss & Verin Thelyss, Essek Thelyss & Uraya Characters: Essek Thelyss, Verin Thelyss, Uraya Hythenos Tags: 5+1 Things, Eiselcross, Character Development, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Assassination Attempts, Blood and Injury, Panic Attacks, Fantasy Religion, Mentions of Shadowgast Warnings: No archive warnings apply; violence/blood but nothing too graphic; Essek’s current fatalistic headspace; discussions of (fantasy) religion Words: 9125

Summary: The Mighty Nein erupt into Essek's life, teach him to love them - and then leave him behind. As the weeks pass, and the people who changed him do not return, Essek learns to change himself.

(Or: five things that change in Essek Thelyss after he parts ways with the Mighty Nein, and one thing that doesn't.)

[blazingstar24]

Summary: Essek gets “interrogated” by Jester about his late night visit to Caleb’s room. An epilogue to my last fic which you can check out here.

Thanks for liking my fic guys! I’ve never had a fic of mine do this well! Would you believe that it was my first time writing Shadowgast?

******************************************************

Essek peeked his head out of Caleb’s room. The rest of the Nein seemed to still be asleep or just waking up, which meant he was free to sneak back downstairs without anyone seeing him leave Caleb’s room. While they had confessed their feelings, their whole relationship was still so complicated. Essek wasn’t in the mood to answer questions from the rest of the group if they saw him.

He looked back inside the room for a brief moment. Frumpkin sat on the bed, licking one paw. Caleb was taking a shower in the side room. He could hear the man softly humming something in Zemnian. Essek allowed himself a small smile as he quietly shut the door behind him.

He descended the tower and landed on the second floor, floating into the dining room. Where Jester Lavorre sat, eyes bright with mischief and full of energy. He would ask what he had done to deserve this, but he already knew the answer to that, didn’t he?

“Sooooooo Essek? How was your night in the tower? Was it super fun?”

Essek sighed as he pulled out a chair and sat down. “It was certainly better than roughing it out in the cold, Jester.”

“Do you like the room Caleb made for you? He made all of our rooms, we got a full tour. Although I haven’t seen yours yet, what’s it like?”

“It’s nice. The attention to Kryn architecture and the finer details of this tower shows how skilled Caleb is. Creating a sort of demiplane is no small feat.”

Jester looked dissatisfied with the switch in topic to inner workings of arcana. Essek was really hoping she wouldn’t ask the obvious question. But this was the tiefling who messaged him to bring pastries to an important peace council and apparently has a god weasel that sits on her shoulders. It was more surprising she hadn’t asked the question already.

“You and Caleb, huh? Anything interesting happen last night?”

Years of practice allowed him to keep a straight face. “We just talked.”

“About?”

“Aeor, the Empire, the Dynasty.”

Jester rolled her eyes. “Come on, Essek. Give me the juicy details. Did you guys—”

She paused and lowered her voice. “Did you exchange theories?”

Essek tipped his head to the side. Why did she want to know about that? “Yes?”

Jester’s eyes widened with excitement. “So is it official!”

“I do not think we are talking about the same thing, Jester.”

She huffed. “Did you guys fuck?!”

Essek felt his face warm as Jester’s voice echoed throughout the tower. His ear involuntarily flattened as he shrunk back from the question.

“Did who fuck?”, called out a low voice.

Essek groaned internally as Beau walked into the room, taking a seat next to Jester. Her gaze fell upon Essek and then back to Jester.

“You and Caleb finally cut through all that tension, huh?”

Essek grit his teeth. “We did not fuck. We just talked. About time and returning to Aeor in the future”

“I mean Caleb set me and Yasha up with the coolest first date ever, so I mean you know if you wanted to rent out the tower, that’s an option.”

“Thank you for the...advice, but I don’t think I’ll—”

“Oh my gosh! Yes! Essek, you should definitely get Caleb to take you on a tower date. The hot tub water slide was amazing~ Not to mention, getting to see him in the hot tub.”

Essek put his face in his hands. Partially because this conversation was giving him a headache. But also so his two friends wouldn’t see how flushed he had gotten at the idea of going on a date with Caleb.

*******************************************************

This is his punishment for starting a war between the Empire and the Dynasty. Forced to converse with Jester and Beau about his love life. Is this what having friends is like? Perhaps he would be able to look back on this moment and appreciate having friends to laugh and joke with.

“Okay but I asked Caleb for dogs. Do you think he would do something with all his cats?”

“Oh definitely some kind of cat concept. Maybe they would all be carrying a rose in their little mouths!”

Nope. This was always going to be absolutely mortifying. The Bright Queen could kill him right now and that would be a mercy.

“Please don’t bully our Kryn colleague.”

If Essek’s attention went directly to Caleb entering the room, it was because he wanted out of this conversation. Definitely not because Caleb’s hair was still slightly damp and was framing those cheekbones of his. Caleb pulled out the chair next to Essek’s and with a surprising amount of stealth, lightly squeezed Essek’s hand under the table.

“Cay-leb, we just wanna know when you’re going to take Essek on a tower date.”

“Yeah, I know you got some weird wizard mating ritual going on but I’m pretty sure that even Yasha and I weren’t this bad.”

Essek couldn’t help but chuckle as Caleb had a similar look of confusion and mortification on his face. Luckily for the two of them, the rest of the Nein started to come down as well meaning it was time for breakfast served by cats.

While the Nein was distracted by the array of food, Caleb leaned over to Essek.

“I know we haven’t exactly worked everything out, but a night alone in the tower to discover the secrets of time itself is possible.”

“Are you asking me on a date, Caleb Widogast?”

“If you’re willing and when we are ready.”

Essek smiled and nodded. “When we are ready.”

The two wizards shared a smile and continued eating. Beau looked over and caught the expressions of both of them.

“See! Intricate wizard mating ritual!”

“He didn’t even ask for my blessing yet!”

“Veth, it’s not like they’re getting married.” called the half-orc.

“What do you know, Fjord. I’m pretty sure Jester is your first girlfriend.”

“Wha—hey I had that thing with—”

“Avantika? I don’t think that counts.”

“Yes it does, Beau back me up! You’re my first mate!”

Essek glanced over at Caleb, who was quietly laughing to himself. He guessed this is what it was like to have friends—no a family who actually gave a damn about each other. He knew he still had work to do in fully regaining the Nein’s trust, but if this is what he had to look forward to, it would be worth more than all the knowledge he would have gotten from the Beacons.

The future was looking bright indeed.

[the-kaedageist]

This is of course not an answer to anyone’s prompt, although it did start out that way! Anyway I hope you enjoy this New Year’s ficlet.

Tradition (shadowgast, ~1000 words)

Essek arrived at the Lavish Chateau far later than the time on the invitation that was clutched in his hand; he’d spent several hours staring at the invite, not even sure if he should attend. Once inside, a burly minotaur frowned at Essek until he presented the invitation in his shaking hands. The mood abruptly shifted into pleasantness, and with a far less suspicious glance, Essek was escorted up a lavish staircase, into a hallway on an upper floor, and shown to an open door.

The moment he crossed the threshold, it was as though he’d entered another world. The suite of rooms beyond was done up in golds and reds, magical dancing lights sparkling amongst the decorations like thousands of stars. A quartet of bards played a modern Dwendalian jig in the corner, and from a quick glance, the small crowd of people present were all dressed in finery from the various cultures of Wildemount.

“ESSEK!” Jester’s voice shouted immediately. She dodged a blonde elf woman dancing with a halfling woman and skipped around a waiter carrying glasses of some sort of wine to skid to a halt in front of him. She was dressed finely in pink satin. “You made it! We are so happy you came!”

“Thank you for the invitation,” Essek said, feeling slightly awkward, the invitation itself still clutched between his fingers. Jester took it from him with a laugh and grabbed him by the wrist, dragging him into the chaos of people. They passed several firbolgs that looked as though they were related to Caduceus, a dwarf woman showing off her muscles to the Aasimar druid that Essek had met once, and a quiet-looking half-dragon woman before Jester shoved Essek out on a balcony.

“Caleb, Essek’s here!” she shouted gleefully before disappearing back into the mob.

Essek stared after her, a bit overwhelmed. A low chuckle came from the dim light of the balcony, and a moment later, Caleb moved into view, smiling at him. He held two glasses of wine, one still full. When he leaned over and handed it to Essek, their fingertips brushed. His red hair shone beautifully in the lights and his eyes were sparkling. Essek willed his traitorous heart to stop racing.

“Caleb,” he said. “Happy New Year.”

“It’s not quite the new year yet, my friend,” said Caleb with a smile. He walked over to the railing and leaned out over the sea of lights that was Nicodranas. In the distance, someone was lighting off fireworks over the harbor, the distant explosions carrying in the night air. “We were not sure you’d join us tonight.”

Essek moved to stand next to him, taking a sip of his wine. It was an excellent Marrow Valley vintage. “I was not sure either,” he admitted. “In Rosohna, we do not celebrate the new year as you do, not like this.” He shrugged. “But I was…curious.”

“Do you know of any of our customs for New Year’s?” Caleb asked. There was a bit of a flush on his cheeks – Essek wondered if it was the wine or the company.

“A few,” he said carefully, taking another sip of wine. “But I should like to know more.”

Caleb smiled in a way he rarely did, open and heartbreaking, but he gladly gave Essek a breakdown of Dwendalian New Year’s traditions as they sipped at their glasses.

Essek finished his glass of wine, then another. At some point, Caleb vanished to get more wine, leaving Essek to seek out and greet the other Nein – Beau radiant in blue with Yasha on her arm, Fjord and Caduceus discussing the Wildmother with one of Caduceus’s siblings, Veth with her family. Jester introduced him to her mother, their hostess for the evening, a tiefling woman who seemed quite lovely. The evening slowly blurred into alcohol, colors, laughter, and the warm feeling of friendship in his heart.

Then Jester appeared at Essek’s elbow, eyes wide. “Essek! It’s almost midnight!” A glance at the large timepiece on the mantle revealed it was, indeed, a minute from the new year. “Did you know? There’s a New Year’s tradition in the Empire. You have to find someone to kiss at midnight.”

Caleb had not mentioned this particular tradition. “Kiss?” Essek repeated, feeling a bit flustered. Did Jester want to kiss him? “That seems a bit—”

Jester dragged Caleb over as though she’d planned this, and Essek abruptly connected the dots. Oh. Caleb’s face was even more flushed than earlier, his eyes bright. Part of his hair was ruffed up, as though someone had tousled it and he hadn’t bothered to smooth it back down again. He was absolutely breathtaking.

The clock ticked down to midnight.

Next to them, Beau yelled “fuck yeah, it’s the new year!” and dipped Yasha down into a kiss that left Essek feeling a bit flustered. He turned back to Jester to ask a question, but she’d already vanished again into the crowd, leaving him and Caleb staring at each other.

“Do you—” Caleb began.

If this was tradition, this might be his only chance. The wine providing liquid courage, Essek stepped forward and cupped Caleb’s face gently between his palms. Caleb stopped speaking abruptly, licking his lips and staring at him. Their eyes met.

Essek leaned in and kissed him soundly.

The rest of the party dulled around them; Essek only registered the feeling of Caleb’s lips against his, Caleb’s stubble against his fingertips, the warmth as Caleb opened his mouth and deepened the kiss. Caleb placed his hands on Essek’s hips, pulling him in closer. Essek had intended the kiss to be brief, but Caleb refused to let him go, kissing him breathless until they both came back to the present to the sounds of cheering and laughter.

Essek pulled away, thinking the crowd was cheering the new year; to his embarrassment, he found the rest of the Nein watching them as they cheered. Caleb swore under his breath in Zemnian, his face pink, but he was laughing – and seeing that, Essek couldn’t help but laugh too, just a little.

Caleb grinned, and he tugged Essek in again, kissing the laughter from his mouth.

Oh, it was going to be a good year.

[woopwoopbeepboop]

I fell in love with the secret I didn’t want to keep

first fanfic in awhile, no where to post it tho, so ta-da.

enjoy?

cw: cheating, mentions of stillborns, mentions of postpardem depression, pregnancy, secret pregnancy, jester makes bad decisions, implied unwanted children, not healthy jester/fjord

blatantly: Jester had an affair and now its an issue pairings: Shadowgast (healthy), fjorester (unhealthy)

—-—

Nicodranas greeted Essek with his least favourite things as soon as he left Yussa’s tower. Boiling sun, already setting his skin ablaze (okay, maybe he was exaggerating), and of course the large crowds of people making their way from place to place. That was to be expected though, with the peak of tourism upon them. He barely reacted to either of these though, as he pushed through on a single mission. Get to the Chateau because Jester needs him.

More aptly, Jester needed someone who never said no. When her hiccuping and choked voice reached his head he was grabbing his coat before she had even finished her sending. It was vague and gave him nothing to work off of. All he knew was she was clearly distraught, this wasn’t a prank, and most severe of all, she hadn’t used all 25 words.

“Caleb, I may not be home tonight or I may have a guest. Jester asked for me, urgently. I don’t know details yet. I love you.”

A blink before he had a response let Essek know Caleb must have gotten home and started to wonder.

“Ah, very grateful you are safe. I’m a sending away should either of you need assistance. I have teleport prepared. I love you… Jester too.”

That gave his panicked face a small rest as he slipped into a smile. Caleb was so free with his affections these days, nothing of the romantic sort beyond Essek, but Caleb’s devotion to the Nein was a bond he couldn’t name. He was eager to give gifts, be ‘Uncle Caleb’ to any of the children of the Nein, smile, and laugh.

He had given up floating a few blocks back, knowing he could move faster with his own legs. Almost at a sprint now, and huffing loudly for it, he reached the Chateau and half heartedly waved the the Valet. Once in side he pulled out his copper wire, directing it to where he knew Jester’s room was and tried for it.

“Jester? I am here. Where do I go?” He said, breathless and heart pounding from the run. Surely that alone would at least tug a brief smile from Jester.

“My room.”

Scaling those magnificent stairs two steps at a time he must have looked like a madman. He was worried now, to a point of his blood running cold. Had something happened to Fjord or Kingsley? Had something happened to her mother? Jester wouldn’t have sounded so desperate for company for anything less so he knew it wasn’t some less severe like her parents breaking up.

At the top of the stairs he turned to enter the hall with Jester’s room, only to face Nadine with arms crossed and stare that of a stern mother.

“Who the hell are you?” She snapped.

Essek realized his mistake and dropped the disguise, satisfied only Nadine would see him in this small space. Once she saw a familiar face, she relaxed but didn’t move.

“Did she ask for you?” She said.

“Yes. Is she okay? She told me nothing.”

“Are you the other half of this fiasco?” Nadine asked with what Essek could only call a snarl.

“What? No. What happened? She said she needed someone, immediately, so here I am. If someone wronged her, I will have their head. You need not worry about that.”

“Good.” She said with a brisk nod, stepping aside finally. “Make your skillset you are so ashamed of useful when you find him.”

He was hardly processing what she had said. Reaching the door he knocked quickly but lightly at first. He’d be damned if he added to her problem with a heavy hand on her door.

“Essek?” A small, warbled voice asked.

“I’m here.” He said, hand on the handle of the door. “May I-“

“Oh Essek, I fucked up.” was as she uttered and that was enough.

He entered the room, quickly but trying to hide some of the urgency. Closing the door behind him, he took in what was before him. Jester sat by the balcony, leaning against the wall and arms wrapped around herself. She’d been crying for Luxon knows how long, but if he had to guessed he would have said days. His attempts to hide the urgency were all but gone as he rushed to Jester to crouch in front of her. He reached out slightly before stopping, still apprehensive about initiating contact, but the choice was made for him when Jester took hold of his wrist and pulled him into her.

He flopped forward with minimal grace and an embarrassing grunt as she threw her arms around his abdomen and the sobbing began again. He was overwhelmed, but a few deep breaths later and he was shifting to bear most of the weight, letting Jester half lay in his lap and sob into his chest. He unclasped his cloak, letting it pool where he sat and immediately relieved at the change in temperature.

His hands reached for Jesters hair and he carded his hands through it, mumbling nonsense in Undercommon hoping the sound would calm her as it so often did with Caleb. It wasn’t immediate but it did have the desired effect eventually. He’d even begun rocking slightly though he never noticed it. Perhaps after so many years at sea the motion was more relaxing than the ever rigid form of land.

She went quite after many, many minutes. Her breathing was deeper but stuttered on the exhale as it did from a long cry. He stilled his hand in her hair and bent his head down to rest his mouth on the top of her head. Not a kiss, but close enough.

“If you don’t wish to speak yet, I am content here. We do not have to move or speak. I have no where to be, and if I did it would be cancelled immediately. I’m here.”

She sniffled loudly again and gripped his middle harder, forcing a small wheeze out of Essek that Jester huffed a laugh at. Well, it would have been a laugh if this was any other day.

“I fucked up.” She whispered, turning her head on his chest so she wasn’t muffled.

“So you’ve said.”

“Like, really, really fucked up. Did something stupid and horrible. Something I can’t fix, I don’t think.” She was letting the words just tumble from her now, desperate to be free of some of the burdens she carried. “I… please help me up.”

He did so quickly, or as quick as Jester would move. Her clothes were flowing and comfortable but she looked different. Before any pieces could fall into place Jester when to a small crib and pulled aside the lace curtain. Essek’s breath caught as he floated closer to peek inside. By the Luxon, had she even told anyone she was pregnant? Likely not, outside of Fjord and Marion.

She wrapped her arms around herself again and turned away, eyes screwed shut in a way that made Essek’s heart drop to the very pits of his stomach. Oh no, did they… were they…

He’d assumed with the reaction of Jester he was going to be looking at a stillborn, though her shame was confusing if that was the case. Instead he looked down on not one, but two very alive, healthy and sleeping infants. In a single glance everything fell into place and he closed his eyes for a moment, before resting his hands on the side of the crib.

One child was a little pink tiefling, tiny nubs where their horns would eventually grow and bearing the same wisps of midnight blue hair of their mother. The other infant was a drow. Unmistakably a drow. Nadine’s words from earlier struck him again in a different context. Oh, of course she would think it was him. Who, really who else could it have been? They had a skin tone that matched near perfect to Essek’s , small wisp of white hair matching his sisters, and long ears that always made young drow look so foolish. They grew into their ears, like this child would.

“It was one night.” Jester whispered. “One stupid night. He was just so charming. He made me laugh so much that night. Fjord had been so distant the months before I-I, I never did it again. I felt disgusting but I just thought Fjord would never know. He won’t get hurt because he wouldn’t know. Then I, I found out I was pregnant. It COULD be Fjord’s, the timing would still work. I wouldn’t know until they were born.” she was talking into a panic now, forcing Essek to move and embrace her as she continued. “I just hoped they’d be a tiefling. Then I could lie. Then she was born, very much a tiefling if an off colour. I was relieved. Two minutes later, another followed. I had been so elated but then… I didn’t even know they would be twins. I had no idea.”

He rubbed her back in a slow circle, cautious not to hold her too tightly and hurt her in any way. He knew Jester was far from frail, and women were hardly made of porcelain even after childbirth. He was just so concerned and out of his element. He felt careful was the best way to address this situation.

“Do, do you want to tell me more? I will listen. Or, do you want me to talk with you on it? I, I’m not good at reading people’s more intimate emotions. I will gladly provide what you need though.” He said, backing her to sit on the edge of her couch. He took the spot beside her, still tenderly holding her hands as she sniffled but held back the tears.

“Am I a bad person?” She asked.

Essek shut his eyes tightly. He’d hoped if she was going to ask that, she would at least build to it. He rubbed his thumbs over her knuckles.

“Jester. I do not think you are a bad person. Though, I have not been wronged in this situation so I am inclined to maintain my image of you. As an outsider, and as your friend,” he paused for a moment, “Jester you did a bad thing. You know that because otherwise I’d be here in a different context.”

“I-I know.”

“You are far from a bad person, however. Good people can make bad choices. You told me that once.” He added quickly to keep her from misunderstanding.

“This somehow feels more shameful than anything you’ve done.”

“I imagine it does. Something this personal comes with a type of guilt I do not carry. That is more of a guilt Caleb would be able to manage.”

Her grip tightened on his and she shook her head violently, “You cannot tell him.”

“I’m not sure how you intend to keep it a secret.”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you, considering other options? Adoption?”

“I did. She’s a drow though. Who on this side of the continent could I even trust her with?”

Essek sighed. She wasn’t wrong. Many would adopt the drow child like one would adopt an exotic pet. The rest would have the same racist views of drow the Empire carried, leeched in from their shared borders.

“I do not wish to over speak, or fluster you. Do you want input or just to listen.”

Jester looked up at him and met his eyes for the first time that day and Essek saw the pure exhaustion finally. Her eyes were puffy and the skin flushed. They were wet and glossy yet beneath it all, something was missing. Something was just, gone.

“Please Essek. Help me fix this.”

“I’m not sure fixing is the approach. I’ve learned through very painful experience that hiding the truth from loved ones makes it far more difficult to heal.”

“I can’t. I can’t do that to Fjord. All he wants is a family that isn’t broken. I can’t.” she started to ramble.

“Shhh, Jester it’s okay. Breathe with me for a bit. Take your time.”

“Essek no one else can know about this. Promise me.”

“Jester that is, unfair to ask of me.” He said, starting to shake his head.

“Please.”

The way that word left her clutched at his chest. A single word, her eyes that are missing a little light, the grip of her hands desperately holding him. That’s what it took.

“I, promise. I’m not pleased to promise something like this, but it’s still a promise I intend to keep.” He sighed.

“Thank you.” She said, removing her hands from his to pull the silky shawl back over her shoulder. “I needed someone to know. Well, except Nadine. I didn’t have much choice in that. Someone needed to catch them, and Mama is in Zadash. Essek I know I’m asking so much of you but thank you.”

“Of course.” He said, eyes unfocused as he looked towards the crib. “If this is to remain a secret, we need to find a family for the little one. Have you given them names?”

“Oh jeez Essek, no. I can’t bring myself to name her if I’m just going to pretend she doesn’t exist, and I couldn’t name her sister without naming both it felt so wrong.”

He supposed that made sense in a way. He stood and walked to the crib again, leaning over slightly to watch them wiggle their little limbs in their sleep.

“I had like, a really weird idea. I don’t know if it would work. I don’t want to sound crazy.” Jester said to break the silence.

Essek gave her his attention

“That spell, the one you used for Veth—“

“Jester! Light guide me even the suggestion. It would kill them, no doubt in my mind.” Essek said, completely aghast at the idea of smothering an infant in clay to turn them into something more desired. They couldn’t even consent, it wouldn’t even work, would it? Oh for fucks sake, his curiosity was so intense it would run away with that idea? He needed to ground himself.

“You can tell me anything you want. I won’t ask though. I won’t make you.” He said, shifting to a whisper a few words in when he remembered the two infants right beside him.

“Maybe I won’t tell you. I’m not sure if I could handle the embarrassment if you knew him somehow. Like what if you went to school with him? I’d die.”

“I doubt that would be the thing to take down Mrs. Lavorre.”

“What if it was your brother?”

“Oh by the Light Jester, please don’t say that.” He groaned and she did smile a little.

“Does your brother want a kid? I’d feel okay about that. I’d know she was safe.” Jester said, fiddling with the fringe of her sleeves. “She’d still be close by, in a way.”

“Unfortunately not. Well, I can’t be certain without asking but he is a busy man in the throughs of battle more often then not. He is also single so, no partner to help. I can, I can try and find someone to take her in? I need a bit to think and put my thoughts together but I would do it.” Essek offered.

“Someone in Roshana?”

“Likely. Not with anyone you’ve met though, to my knowledge.”

She stood and joined him at the crib, reaching down to trace the small palm of the drow child. “I’d never see her again, would I?”

“Well, we can leave contact information, someday they could reach out to you. That is common for our system to do when managing adoptions.”

“If she finds me, Fjord will find out. That just, makes the whole thing pointless.” Jester sighed. “I realllly fucked this up. I was so happy. I was so happy for years and one night feeling down and this is what I did.”

“Sometimes emotions are more powerful than we can resist. Sometimes temptation is bordering on something divine. You will work through those emotions. Caduceus helped me greatly with that process. I would gladly pass to you whatever I remember from his wisdom.”

“I don’t think I can handle never seeing her again. I grew up never knowing one parent and it was awful. Not knowing either? That’s going to be so hard. If she’s close I could, I don’t know I could still help. I could still keep her safe at least.”

He watched their hands, no larger than a walnut, reach for the other. He thought of himself and Verin, and how he would reach out to Essek in the night sometimes when nightmares plagued him. Jester was right, if she was close than she could still know the family that loves her, even if she’s not sure why. Trying to find her a family in Xhorhus would come with complications. He was still exiled. If anyone caught wind they would immediately suspect something malicious. It puts the child in danger.

They started to stir in sync, little squeaks leaving them as they squirmed and stretched. Jester reached in, going for the drow before hesitating before moving to pick up her tiefling daughter. Trying not to get attached.

He couldn’t leave the child in the crib.

He tucked his hands beneath the child and cradled her to his chest, mimicking Jester’s movements. He was so caught up in the warmth of their little body and encouraging them to lull back into sleep that when he looked up Jester was staring at him. Brows furrowed and eyes watering once more.

“Are you alright?” he asked, his concern and confusion heavy in his tone.

“Caleb has always been good with kids.”

He freezes, his sway coming to a jolting halt that stirred the child awake again. She just, said it plainly like that. Essek hadn’t even considered… he’d just promised not to tell him even. Because his mind was delayed a few moments it hit him later than it should that if Caleb adopted this child, so did he.

“W-we’ve only just started discussing that Jest—I’d have to tell him the truth about this I refuse to lie to him like that.” He stuttered. He was beginning to panic. Jester wasn’t the issue, she’d never make him take on this responsibility. It was the fact he sort of liked the idea, and had been fighting not to suggest it himself.

“She’d be family still. She’s grow up with her sister, they could be best friends.“

“You made me promise not to tell anyone.”

“Would Caleb keep this secret?”

“Jester, of course he would. He’s more wrapped around your finger than I am.”

“If that were true, I would have asked him to teleport here.”

Her smug smile was likely meant to be playful, but it made Essek angry. He didn’t want to be involved in this any more than he needed to be. He didn’t want to test the limits of their friendship with something like this. What was he supposed to do besides take her? Fjord would be in port any day now, they didn’t have time to find a family. Essek would at least have to take her temporarily, Caleb would need to know. Luxon Caleb couldn’t say no to a stray cat if Essek brought home an infant it would be theirs. They wouldn’t be able to put her down. Essek rested his cheek lightly on the soft hair of the baby in his arms. He might not be able to put her down already.

“I need to talk to Caleb first.”

“Essek Fjord could be here any minute. He was due back today and it’s already late in the day. I can’t have him walk in on this. He’d think it was you!”

“Jester it’s well known I like men, and even there I like about, three total. Why would he think it was mine?”

“Who else could it be?”

Fuck. She had a point. Who else could it have been? What other drow could she possibly be having an affair with? He couldn’t just teleport home like this. He’d never even teleported a child was that something he had to account for? How would they feed her they were ill prepared for parenthood at the moment. Well, their neighbours had goats that milk would likely suffice. No! No, he can’t rationalize any of these faults he needed them to convince him to put her down. To lay her back into the crib.

“If we adopt a little girl, young enough to need a name, I would love to call her Una. If you don’t mind? Or if there is a custom of yours we can stick to that.”

“Caleb of course we can. The same with a son. We can name him for your father.”

“You, don’t want to name a son after your father?” Caleb asked.

“The way I lost my father was much different than your experience. I don’t hold the same sentiments for him.”

“Ja. Ja I’d like that a lot. Shatz, thank you.”

Snapped back to the present by Una stretching her arm into his chin. Shit. No, no no no.

“If this ruins my marriage Jester I swear. I love you dearly, but I won’t lose Caleb for you.” He cursed and reached for a thicker blanket to begin wrapping Una up.

“Oh Essek Thank you, thank you so much. I’m, thank you.” Jester babbled, tears streaming again.

“Thank me once I speak to Caleb. I’m serious Jester. If Caleb is against this I will bring her back.” He said sternly, satisfied with his bundling up of Una, so small and hours old.

They still weren’t entirely clean even and that particularly broke something in his heart. He wouldn’t leave a child that unwanted, passed around family to family before they’ve even been fully welcomed into the world. The anger at Jester returned but he held it at bay. It wouldn’t help anything right now. Instead he took a deep breath and rested Una in the crib.

“Pack me some things we have, literally nothing for this situation.”

“Yes, yes of course. Go to the door and tell Nadine she can come in, she’s likely listening anyway. I know I always listened at the doors.” Jester said.

The door opened on its own, Nadine having indeed been listening at the door. “Yes, Jester?”

“Pack whatever we can spare to go with Essek and… her. Them. Pack them baby supplies.” She stammered. “I’ll get diapers they are over here.”

A moment later Essek’s trunk he summoned was full of whatever an infant might need. Getting more wasn’t an issue for the Lavorre’s so they had been generous in how much the gave him.

“Jester, are you sure?” Nadine asked one final time.

“Yes.”

Nadine sighed and locked eyes with Essek, “Why are you enabling her? Being a good friend means you say no sometimes.”

“Nadine please, that’s enough. I just want this done. I want my life to go exactly like its supposed to. This is how I can do that. Essek knows this.”

Essek didn’t know that. He was taking this child because where a fire had gone out in Jesters eyes a wildfire started to rage. Determination to salvage the situation. If Essek left the child in her care he worried what she would do to have the normal life she’s craved since childhood. In the coming days postpartum could sink in, in which case Essek absolutely didn’t want Jester responsible for the child. That sort of hormone shift could lead to, horrendous results. Approach this carefully, he had decided.

“We’ll need to work out timing, perhaps keep this one a secret for now on our end, then come up with a story a little later. We could delay it a month, maybe more with winter setting in and less visitors.” Essek said, ignoring Nadine completely.

“Thank you, Essek. I’m, I’m sorry.” Jester whispered. “Tell Caleb, tell him the same. I’m sorry. I’m not making a good decision but maybe he will.”

“He’s going to be furious. He’s going to have a whole lot of reactions, he’s passionate in how much he feels. Give us time. Please.”

Jesters shoulders slumped slightly and she nodded, swaying with her little one on her chest. Now they could get their name at least. Thankful for his studies of abbreviated somatics he cast Teleport with a single hand and left the room in a blur. In the last second, he swore he saw Jester start to reach out—

Then he was in their teleportation room. He checked on Una immediately and saw she was fast asleep again, completely unfazed by a teleportation. Noted. He heard footsteps on the stairs and cursed. He didn’t even tell Caleb he was coming back.

“Caleb, please don’t come in the room. I, need to say something first.”

The footfalls stopped and Essek heard the stairs creak as Caleb likely fidgeted. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine. No injuries, no assassins, no danger.” Essek reassured him. He was reassuring his husband that very likely threats were not a current concern, with a baby in his arms. Assassins had their sights on Essek only two years ago, and he brought home a baby. Jester’s baby, she had with a drow. That wasn’t him. Light above would Caleb think that?

“Okay. When you’re ready.” Caleb said back softly.

“Everything from hence forth is a secret of most importance, and none of it leaves you and me. Ever. I didn’t suggest this, or want this, but it seemed the best course of action for the immediate moment. I’m open to discussion.” He shift his weight slightly before adding, “Also it is not mine if that dares to cross your mind.”

“Essek please, I’m scared.” Caleb whispered.

“Come in Love, i’m sorry I meant to reassure but I’m a damned idiot.” Essek said, moving towards the stairs open doorway to meet him. Caleb hit the bottom of the stairs and spun a little quicker than usually towards him. He took three long strides, and froze.

“Nothing is final.” Essek said quickly. “Jester she, made a mistake. Had a short lived affair with a drow pirate. It was a toss up if they were Fjords or this, stranger I guess. I never even bothered getting his name from her. She had twins. She has, this little one has a sister. The sister looks like a pure tiefling. Passable as, as Fjord’s child.”

“Shatz, that’s… we can’t do that to Fjord.“ Caleb muttered. “Jester should be honest, face this head on.”

“She never will. Plain as day on her face. She will live this lie, at any cost.”

Caleb finally closed the distance and touched Esseks cheek gently before pulling aside the blanket more to see her face unobstructed. He sighed, heavily. A weight lifted off Essek. At the very least, he wasn’t cross with Essek over this.

“She truly looked like that?” Caleb asked, tracing the large ears fondly.

“Yes. I was, so reluctant to take her even temporarily because, well…”

“Because now she’s ours?” Caleb huffed, meeting his eyes. “Essek she’s ours now. This keeps her near Jester, near her sister, near Marion. It’s the best option. Well, the best option would be Jester telling Fjord the truth. We work with what we’re given though.”

“Telling Fjord wouldn’t do any good. I don’t think the truth is worth the turmoil that would cause.” Essek whispered, his hand joining Calebs rested very lightly on Una’s chest. “Caleb?”

“You meant what you said before?” Caleb asked.

“I’ve already been calling her Una in my mind. If that is what you refer to.”

Caleb smiled weakly, a genuine smile marred but the situation that caused it. “I will need time to face Jester after this, but no child should suffer for it. We’ll keep her. Ja? I’m not misreading?”

“Light above, you are not misreading. Sending her away to a family in Xhorhus to never be seen again? I can’t do it. She’s, well she is a member of the Mighty Nein. That’s argument enough for me.”

Caleb huffed another laugh and took Esseks face gently to kiss his cheek. “No argument needed. You did the right thing shatz. We’ll deal with everything else later but for now, I need to go ask the Meyer’s for some goats milk, and advice.”

“I have stuff from Jester. I’ll, set up what I can in the bedroom I suppose. We’ll need a makeshift cradle or something.” Essek said, mind beginning to pick back up from the sluggish and overwhelmed state it had been left in.

“I’ll ask about a cradle too, they likely have an old one from their many kids. I’m, nevermind no I won’t say foul things of Jester right now. Maybe in a few days I’ll vent it out but not right now.” Caleb said, pinching the bridge of his nose right where his glasses rested. “Tired of other people’s messes. Gods I can’t even say that, this little one isn’t a mess, she doesn’t need to be swept up. It’s so hard to be truthful about Jester without insulting this child somehow.” The last bit was said with a bit of venom.

“I’m unimpressed to say the least. I didn’t know what else to do.” Essek said. “I got no warning. Nothing in her sending could have even indicated something like this.”

“Well, Jester might consider her a mistake but we chose her. We had a choice, and we picked her. When this shit hits the fan, we need to make sure she knows that.” Caleb said solemnly and brushed his thumb along a chubby cheek one more time, Una scrunching up her nose as he did. “We’ll make the best of this.”

Essek wasn’t sure if the last sentence was to reassure him or Caleb. Regardless it did help to hear it.

“We’ll make the best of this.” He agreed, tucking in an edge of blanket back into the bundle. “I love you. Both of you.”

That pulled something out of Caleb, eyes wrinkled at the corners in a rare smile he reserved for truly remarkable moments. “I love you both as well. Let’s settle little Una in then she’s going to want food soon.”

Essek watched as Caleb left with a massive, full-body sigh finally leaving his body. This charade would not last. His love for Una however would, no matter what the future held.

[rainbowcaleb]

Fic Summary: Caleb was pining for Essek. And it was *terrible*.

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Welcome to another The Author’s Meta where I offer insight, dumb jokes, and a behind-the-scenes breakdown about the fics I’ve written. Today’s installment focuses on “Second Servings” (linked above), the second in my Shadowgast series.

As always, spoilers ahead! Consider this is like a director’s commentary on a movie; you’re gonna see the movie scenes if you read this :)

- This was actually the first Shadowgast I had a more solid idea of (other than a Particular Scene that is coming up in part 4). I had just marathoned most of campaign 2 and my mind kept circling around that cupcake episode (for obvious reasons, oh my god jester), and the Nein’s brief thought of contacting Essek as a way to get out quickly.

- and then my brain went brrrrr like a little shadowgast motor and “how would Essek respond to a message if him and Caleb had Just Done A Thing Together and then Caleb ran off an adventure again?” (the answer was, of course, with all the graces of a socially uncomfortable nerd)

- as an aside, strong moonshine will help polish metal. but then you have armor that smells like moonshine

{more after the cut}

- possible messages Caleb was rolling around in his head when he couldn’t sleep include things like “what are we now? what do we do next? does this mean things are different? do you want to see me again, kiss me again?” but of course that’s much too honest for where his headspace is right now

- I’d like to think in a future timeline Jester introduces Essek to the wonderful world of sweet breakfast foods and inundates him with a hundred years of donuts, pastries, pancakes, and other things he’s never tried

- for Essek’s possible messages, scroll up and see Caleb’s. M U T U A L   P I N I N G

- matt mercer tell us more about Essek’s tower and his cool ley line research, PLEASE I BEG YOU. Fine, fine, I’ll just have to write it myself later.

- Essek immediately being like “you want cool magic, I got cool magic!! let me share!” is just him being a romantic deep at heart.

- You would be surprised how long I agonized over magical laundry ideas. Like, does Essek have servants? I mean, probably, but I also like the idea of him choosing to be isolated and just neck deep in his own research and magic and being like “oh shit it’s laundry day” or “oh shit I forgot about that cup of tea I made six hours ago.” Just relatable academic things.

- You would NOT be surprised to know how difficult it was for me to hold myself back from “Caleb strips completely down in front of Essek because he isn’t that bothered by nudity, let’s see how Essek reacts” and keeping it mild (for the time being, lol).

- Listen....... gingers look great in deep blue. Essek knows this and definitely (self-indulgently) made sure to lend Caleb a coat that made him look awesome.

- We know what Caleb was doing (copying a spell) so what was Essek doing in the background? He was actually ignoring the vial of dunamis. He knows it’s probably stolen. He knows it’s probably related to the research he is helping the Assembly with. At this moment in time Essek is mentally doing gymnastics to explain how Caleb came across it, and has basically been jotting nonsense into his notebook to pretend to look busy. He basically settles to “the Nein stumble upon weird shit all the time, it must be a complete coincidence” and decides to refocus himself on kissing Caleb instead

- “You seem to haunt my laboratory lately.“ shout-out to the comment for finding my favorite line. Essek has it BAD.

- I have a LOT of thoughts on the fashion of the Bright Queen’s court and how patterns and colors have significance. Think about some of ye olde royal times with coat of arms and the such. Basically my (very long meta) thoughts boil down to the fact that these families can live a very long time, and when one dies they are brought back into that family den when they remember. Having specific patterns and colors associated with each den not only helps the reborn soul find their way back to their family quicker (like if for some reason they ask for directions or help and the helper doesn’t know the name, they could mention the color/pattern and the helper would likely recognize that and point the reborn soul in the right direction.) Also, it helps establish a rather strict hierarchy and social order. People would know what den you are part of immediately by looking at you.

- Another favorite part :  “What do you like, Caleb? Pleasure?” Essek murmured against his neck, pressing gentle kisses between words. Then he scraped his teeth against where he had been kissing, biting lightly. “Pain?” Y’all are NOT READY for when they ~~explore further~~. It should be in my next chapter update for part 4!

- friendly reminder mercer’s drow have FANGS. Just let that thought rumble up in your head. :) :) :)

- I am genuinely extremely sorry for how many times Essek and Caleb get interrupted mid-steamy scene. I promise later chapters will make up for it.

- me thinking about how debauched the boys look after their makeout session

- Essek’s weird reaction and pushing away from Caleb a bit is because his mind has raced back to the new refrain of “I am engaging in activities with a human, with someone from the Empire, with someone who does not know what I am doing right now, does not know what I have done. I am kissing the very man who brought the beacon back to my Queen, the one that I had helped smuggle.” big yikes Essek!

- Essek with the parasol from Jester will continue to be one of my favorite moments of this campaign so far. Thank you fanartists for all your contributions.

Well, this has been a Shadowgast Saturday and I hope you enjoyed this behind the scenes peek!

THE END.

So why am I doing this? (1) I adore behind-the-scenes and meta information from artists and authors. I love finding out why someone wrote a certain scene or chose a certain color. Maybe you’ll like my BTS too!

And (2) I want to learn a healthier way to engage with my own fics. I tend to write my fic, get stuck in a spiral of editing and editing and editing, get frustrated with editing and just post it, then never re-read it. (Yikes @ myself ). So this is a way for me to re-read my own fics and remember all the reasons why I enjoyed writing it in the first place!