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cerebralthundering · 6 years ago

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Bounce

Oof, I know it’s been forever since I wrote something. This one has been in my head for a while though & just haven’t been exactly sure how to go about it. I hope you like it though. And send me requests! I may start doing Brendon stuff too. Who knows.

Josh x fem reader: smut

Warnings: sex, duh. Bruising/scratching. Cursing.

——

It was just a chill Saturday afternoon at home where you were watching tv as your boyfriend, Josh, was in the basement practicing his drums. His band was off tour for a couple weeks between dates so you enjoyed having him a home. You were getting kinda bored watching tv after a while though & decided to go check on Josh.

You open the door to the sound-proof room to see him going hard at the drums. He was going so hard & was so focused he hadn’t yet noticed you walk in the room. You stood in the doorway just watching him intently. God, it always turned you on so much watching him play the drums - the way he put his all into it, watching his toned sweaty body, & imagining making that stool bounce in a different way. You bit down on your lip & tightened your legs.

“Hey babe!” he suddenly greets you as he finally noticed you in the doorway, knocking you out of that daydream. He put his drumsticks down beside him on the ground & took a swig of water. Shit, had he noticed the way you had been watching him? “What’s up?”

“Oh, nothing. I just wanted to come see how you were doing. I was getting kinda bored up there,” you tell him.

“Are you sure that’s the only reason?” he asks. You swallow hard.

“Uhh...w-what do you mean?”

“Well, you were standing there biting your lip & looking at me like you wanted to jump my bones,” he bluntly states. Shit, he did notice. You bit your lip & blushed while staring down at your feet. You had never told him how watching him play turned you on so much. You were worried he’d think it was weird or silly. You stumble over your thoughts before answering, trying to think of a good excuse, but nothing was coming to mind.

“Oh...umm...it’s nothing...” Your answer clearly didn’t satisfy him as he raised an eyebrow at you.

“Tell me,” he demands.

“Well...uhh...you gotta promise you won’t think it’s stupid, okay?” you plead.

“Babe, of course not. I promise.”

“Okay, well...err...watching you play the drums kinda...um...turns me on,” you mumble out while still looking down at the ground. You hear him take a heavy breath.

“Go on...” he requests while biting down on his own lip now. Damn, him biting his lip always drives you wild.

“The way you so passionately play them...& watching you get so hot & sweaty...& imaging, uh...”

“Say it, baby.”

You take a deep breath before quickly spewing out, “Imaging fucking you on that drum stool & bouncing up & down.” His eyes widened while inhaling sharply. Suddenly he stands up & starts walking towards you. You bite down harder on your lip while watching him intently. His eyes scan your body with lust & then his hands grab your hips & start pulling you back towards the stool. He sits back down on the stool as you’re still standing & he pulls your shirt off over your head. Once it’s on the floor he pulls you down onto his lap & grabs your face to kiss you. You place your hands on his chest while reciprocating his kiss & beginning to slowly grind down on his lap. The kiss quickly heats up & becomes more passionate, feeling him slide his tongue into your mouth. Your hands move up into his hair to gently grab the tufts of his short, dark hair.

After a moment he starts moving his hands to your back to unclasp your bra & then toss it to the floor. You gently inhale as you feel his hands moving back to the front to grab your breasts while still not breaking from the kiss. His thumbs start teasing your nipples as you gently moan into his mouth. You bite down on his bottom lip before you break the kiss to move your lips to his neck to begin to suck & nibble on it, making him softly moan as you continue grinding on him. You can feel his hard-on through his shorts as you press down harder. You feel one of his hands snake down your stomach between your bodies to make its way underneath the waistband of your pants as well as your panties.

“Mmm, you’re so wet, baby,” he breathily speaks out.

“All for you,” you reply as you feel him start to move his fingers between your folds, making you even more wet while moaning into his ear. Your hips still grinding down with his hand now between the two of you is making his fingers feel even better until he suddenly slips his hand back out.

“Stand up,” he insists. You do as you’re told & stand up in front of him. He grabs the waistband of both your pants & panties at the same down & quickly pulls them down before you step out of them. You immediately bend down to do the same to him, helping him wriggle out of his shorts & boxer briefs, causing his erection to spring out. You start licking your lips in excitement, knowing this fantasy of yours that you’ve had for a while is finally about to come true.

“Listen. I want you to get on my lap like you’re gonna ride me but wait a second so I can hold onto your waist when we bounce,” he explains. You nod in agreement & line up his hard cock with your entrance & slowly sit back down, causing both of you to gently moan out.

You wrap your arms around his back tightly, grabbing onto his shoulders as his hands grip tightly on your hips. “Ready?” he asks. You nod again.

He suddenly bounces once to test things out & you feel yourself slide up his cock & then back down while bouncing up & then again as you come down. This quick action makes you scream out from both pleasure & surprise.

“Holy shit!” he exclaims while staring at you to gauge your reaction.

“Fuck! Keep going!” you proclaim.

He starts bouncing again, speeding up slowly, causing you to feel like he’s fucking you at double the speed as normal, causing hard moans, screams, & expletives to fly from both of your mouths.

After he gets a rhythm going with the bouncing you start grinding your hips again, causing an even more explosion of pleasure. You can feel his fingers gripping so tight on your hips that it’ll probably leave bruises. Your fingers & nails are doing the same down his back.

You start to feel the warmth brewing in your abdomen warning you that you’re close. “J-Josh, I -“ your statement interrupted by another scream as you bounce, “I-I’m close!”

“Fuck, me too, baby.” After another breathy moan he growls out, “Make a mess on this stool.”

“Shit!” You continue yelping out as your movements get sloppy as your legs begin to tremble & weaken. Your nails dig into his back as the pleasure begins to erupt. “Fuck, Josh!” you scream out. You bury your screams into his shoulder, savoring this moment. Your walls tightening around his cock pushes him over the edge as well. “Oh god!”

You continue sloppily grinding your hips at a slower pace now as you both ride out your orgasms. He bounces one last time causing one last yelp out of you as you both finally come to a pause & losening your grips. Neither of you said anything for a minute as you both took the time to finally catch your breath, your forehead resting on his shoulder. The sweat is glistening on both bodies under the basement lights.

“Holy...shit...” he sighs. You look up at with a smirk on your face which makes him grin.

“Holy shit, indeed!” you laugh.

“Kinda sad though...” he confesses.

“Why?” you ask, puzzled, furrowing your brows.

“Sad that you didn’t tell me about this little fantasy of yours sooner,” he jokes. You roll your eyes & laugh. “That was the hottest fucking thing ever.”

“Yeah, damn, now I do wish I had told you sooner,” you blush.

“Well we’ll just have to make up to lost time then I guess...” he trails off, slyly smirking.

“Hell yeah, baby.”

You both stay in that position for a couple minutes longer until he breaks the silence. “So, are we gonna stay like this forever? Not that I would mind...”

You laugh before responding, “I, uh, don’t think I can move.” Your legs literally felt like Jello.

“Wrap your legs around me,” he requests. You did as told & wrap your legs as tightly as you could around his waist. He then stands up, his hands holding onto tight under your ass, & walking to the nearby couch before plopping you down. You shift a bit until you’re comfortable on the couch. He grabs the blanket hanging over the back & drapes it over you. He then walks back to grab his shorts & puts them back on.

“I still need to finish practicing this song,” he explains. “You can lay there as long as you need.”

“Okay, but you know what watching you before lead to,” you coyly state.

“Well shit, I’m never gonna finish then, am I?” he jokes.

“Nope!” you wink.

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saltynemo · 7 years ago

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Break-Up

WHATADO Everybody its your boi Nemo back at it again with another fanfic. Noq today I'm gonna disappoint you and leave you with a cliff hanger. I made a Brendon Urie fluff awhile ago but life has been busy lately. Btw, small angst at the end (I'm Jena from the future: excuse writing errors and shit cause this is one of my first stories)

Summery: Y/n decides to fly out to Brendon to comfort him about the Break-Up he has recently went through. This gives him and Y/n quality time together and things start to spark, but not in the way you think

Type: Fluff/Angst

Warnings: Cussing, Small angst at end, Fluff, I think that's about it

Requested?: Kind of, Yea

Word Count: 3.4k (3,478 words)

PT.2

Now without further ado, P-P-P-P-PLAY IT

I have been friends with Brendon since 2nd grade. We do everything together! His family adores me and its like im Brendons sister. I was there with Brendon when he had his first Flirting experiance. I was there with him when he had his first Break-Up. I am almost always there for him and there is nothing separating us. Mostly, the only time were apart is when hes on tour or I have things to do. But this time, he is touring and playing his usual gigs and I decided not to tag along with him. I didnt decide to go this time because of his girlfriend, Audrey. She has always been such a snob to me and I just never liked her. The number one reason I didnt like her is because she abuses Brendon. Its just that Brendon loves her too much to even notice! I try to tell him, but he just keeps telling me the same thing over and over again, "Shes just annoying me with her love and affection" And I keep replying with the same answer over and over again, "Shes abusing you and your money!" After a while, I gave up...Brendon loved her and Audrey didnt so much love him.

I woke up to the sound of a vibration next to my head. I lazily turn over and answer my phone in a groggy voice, "Hello..?" I heard sobbing on the other line, and I could tell it was Brendons. "Brendon, are you ok? What happened? Its..3 am" "S-he bro-ke up wi-th me.." Brendon stuttered. He was histerical. I tried to calm him down by telling him im here for him and such, but most of it didnt work. "Damn, i wish I could be there to give you a hug! You sound horrible" I say, on the verge of tears myself. "Y-yeah i wish too. Why d-o i d-do this to myself?! Am i t-too nice?" Brendon sobs. I tell him that hes too caring for some of these woman and to take a break. We talk back and forth about what happened and how we can resolve it. "Its 3 am Y/n..ill let you go. Ill just cry myself to sleep.." Brendon sniffled. We both say goodnight and I dial Josh's number. "Hey Josh?" "Yea, Y/n?" "Did you hear from Brendon yet..? Im kind of worried for him" I ask, pacing around my room. "Yea, i heard him talking on the phone with someone about his ex. Was that you?" Josh replies. "Yea, that was me. Also, how do you know he broke up with Audrey?" "Oh yea! I went on tour with him, just to tag along. Since im still on my haitus I thought i would give him some company" He says. "How long have they been broken up? Did it just happen?" I say, raising my voice a little. Josh starts to tell me the long story of how Brendon and Audrey broke up. It was pretty violent from my perspective. I hear sobbing in the backround as Josh went on with his story. "Wait, im gonna go outside..i feel like im destroying Brendon by telling you the story" Josh says, moving away from Brendons hysterical voice. "Brendons pretty..heart broken. Like is there any way you can calm him down? Your the only person I know who is that close to Brendon" "I tried! But i dont think I can do it over the phone, you know what I mean" I reply, leaning my head on my hand. "Is there any way you can like..come down here?" Josh asks. I can hear him pacing around outside. "I dont have the money ya know..im living in an apartment" I say, laughing a little bit. Josh chuckles but cuts out his laugh mid way. "I can PayPal your flight! Like-please come over here? Brendons destroyed..do it for him" "Ugh! Fine..Ill have to order the Tickets right now then. Send me your PayPal info and ill get packed" I sigh. "Sweet, Y/n!! I knew you would do it" "But ill need a ride..Can you do it?" "I dont think so..ill ask Tyler or Patrick. Both of them love you so it wont be a problem" He replies. I lay back on my bed, phone still next to my ear, "Welp, ok! Cya then. And dont tell Brendon about this..I want it to be a suprise" I say, smiling uncontrollably. "You gotcha. Cya then" Josh says. I could tell him winked by his tone. We said our goodbyes and I put my phone down. I sighed very loudly, almost thinking my neighbors could hear me. I sit back up and limp over to my Computer

Josh sent me his PayPal info and I bought the plane tickets. The plane was scheduled to leave at 3:00 pm tommorow. I closed my laptop and jogged over to my closet, packing up so I wont have to do it later. I didnt think much on what I should bring, but I threw in a couple outfits, toothbrush, hairbrush, and some headphones all into one SuitCase. I zip it up and put it to the side. Its now 4:00 am. I should get some rest..since I got lots of planning to do. I crawl back into bed, trying to put my worries about Brendon and my schedule aside.

*TIME SKIP Brought to you by Brendon's High notes*

Its 1:30 pm..I called a Taxi so I can get driven to the Airport. Josh texted me telling me that Petes going to pick me up. Im always excited to see Pete and..pretty much all of my Friends, so i was excited. Once we got to the airport, I payed the Taxi driver and headed for the long journey of ID Checking and security. Once I hit my first checkpoint, I put my bag on a conveirbelt and show them my Passport and ID. They aprove it and I grabbed my stuff. I found a very comfy bench near the Exit to where my plane is. I sit and wait forever, untill they finally call my plane. "Plane 3A!! All abourd 3A!" The flight attendant shouts. I pick my stuff up and head twords the door. I show her my plane ticket and I head to the back of the plane

The plane ride was quiet and peacefull to my suprise. No crying children, no kids kicking the back of your seat, and no rude or distracting people! I put my headphones on and put my music on shuffle. The very first song to come on was 'Dont Threaten Me With a Good Time'. I smiled brightly and tapped my foot to the beat as the plane flew through piles of clouds. I knew this was going to be a fun trip.

The seatbelt light flashed aboved my misty eyes. I packed up my things and secured my seat belt. I have always hated the landing of a plane, it just uneased me. The plane decended to the ground and skirted to a hualt. All of the passengers, including me, exited the plane through the door and a tunnel. Once I reached the end of the long corrador, I saw Pete! "Hey Petie!" I cheered, giving him a quick hug. "So nice to see you, Y/n!" "Hows Brendon?" I asked, pulling away from the hug. "Oh, about him, Hes...still depressed. I took a picture of him about 30 minutes ago" Pete exclaimed, showing me a photo of Brendon's head down, his arms hiding his face. He was in a position as if he were playing 'Heads Up Seven Up'. "Aw man...sucks" I say, itching the back of my neck. "How about we go suprise him now?" Pete said adding a cute smile. I smiled with him and we walked out of the airport.

Once we reached petes car, I threw my bag into the back seat and hopped into the passanger chair. "How about we play some music so we dont have an akward car ride" Pete said as he sat down in his drivers seat. "Sounds great, give me the aux chord" I demanded as i smiled a little bit. "Just dont play trash! You got it?" "Yea yea, I wont" I said, trying not to laugh. I typed into Youtube: "Josh says Penis Sized Nipples for 10 Minutes". I tried my best not to laugh hystericly, but i let out a small giggle. I plugg in the aux chord and I turn the 'music' all the way up. "Penis sized nipples, penis sized nipples, penis sized nipples" blasted in the car. I couldnt hold it in any longer and I bursted out laughing. Pete joined with me and was hystericly crying while trying to drive. I was about to change it when Pete stopped me: "Keep it on, and roll the window down!" He yelled through the 'penis sized nipples', echoing in the car. I rolled down the window and pretended to dance to it. We both laughed and drove to our destination, laughing all the way.

Once we reached the building where Brendon and our friends were, I turned off Joshs voice and put my phone in my pocket. "Here ya go" Pete said, swinging my bag over my shoulder. I wasnt expecting that so i crippled a little bit. "Sorry" Pete laughed. I smiled a bit and began walking to the front door. I reached my hand out to open it when Pete held my wrist, stopping me. "Before you go in there...just know Brendons sensitive right now..do your best to help him, he is seriously depressed." Pete said lowly. "I understand, now let me talk to him" I whisper back. Pete let go of my wrist and opened the door for me. I stepped inside to see all of my friends..especially Brendon. Josh, Tyler, Patrick, Joe, Andy, and all of the important folks were here. I waved to all of them and pressed my finger againts my lips. They all nodded and smiled, watching me creep up to Brendon. He was still in the same exact position from an Hour ago. I saw an empty glass of whisky by his side with a mountain of tissues. I dropped my bag besides a wall and leaned my mouth to his exposed ear. "Im always here for you Buddy" I whisper in his ear, putting my hands on his shoulders. He quickly lifts his head up, exposing his red & stuffy nose. His eyes were puffy and red from all of his crying. "Y/n" He asked in a suprised tone. He quickly rapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I hugged him tightly, softly rubbing his back in the process. "Im so glad your here with me Y/n..ive missed you so much" He whispered, holding me tighter. His chest was warm and I never wanted to leave this position. "Ive missed you too, Brendon" I reply, lightly pushing him away. Brendon let go of me and gave me a bright smile through his depressed state. I smiled with him, knowing ill make him feel better.

We stared at eachother for a little while, enjoying our facial features and what not. Finally, Brendon snapped out of it. "Im gonna go clean the-uh-tissues up" He said, walking away to the mountain of tissues. "I knew you could do it" Josh whispered in my ear. I glanced at him, "I didnt expect him to feel better that fast, wow" "What would he do without you" Josh added, smiling and walking away. I found a chair to sit on as I watched Brendon joke and play with his friends. I leaned my head on my hand, day dreaming. "Hey, Y/n/n" Said a blissful voice. I turn my head to see Patrick. "Oh, hey Pat" I said, making room for him. "You really did wonders for this guy, ya know?" Patrick said, adjusting his sitting position. "Yea..I guess I did" I paused thinking of a question. "Speaking of Brendon...when did Audrey and Brendon break up?" I asked, turning my head to face him. I saw Patricks jaw clench at my question. "You know how Brendon called you?" I nodded in response. "He called you right after they broke up. Audrey stormed out of here and i dont know where she is. I hope she doesnt come back" Patrick added, folding his hands and looking down. "I really do hope so too" "But look at the bright side, Brendons bank account wont be empty" Patrick said, laughing a little. I laughed too, relizing he was right. I looked at my watch: 7:10. "Shouldnt Brendon be getting ready for his Meet&Greet with fans?" I asked Pat. "Oh, shit. Your right. Hey Brendon: Meet and Greets at 7:30!" Patrick shouted, getting up from his chair. He shot me a quick wink before walking over to Brendon. I smiled and got up, grabbing Brendons phone from a bench. "Here Bren, I think you might need this" I say, jogging over to him. He smiles and takes it, "Thanks, honey" He winks as he walks back to a table. The nickname he gave me cought me off guard, making me stand still. Tyler patted my back, making me come back to relization. He laughes as he follows Brendon.

I grab the Millions of pens lying on the floor and follow them. I set them on the Meet&Greet table and Sat in a Chair. I grabbed a hard, wooden surface, incase I had to sign things too. Brendon's fanbase loved me, even though I really wasnt that popular. "Y/n, you can sit at the table, I dont bite" Brendon calls, offering me a seat. I smile and sit next to Brendon. I thank him for the offer and we wait for the millions of fans to enter. I glance around the room, looking at Tyler, Josh, Patrick, and the security guards. I saw Andy and Joe, leaning againts the wall on their phones. "Here they come" Brendon whispers into my ear. I grin as I see fan girls come around the corner, with million doller smiles on their faces. The security guards step up, making sure the girls dont attack us. Suprisingly, the fan girls behaved very well. No cluttering or fighting or anything.

After about 30 minutes of watching Brendon sign papers, a girl comes up to me. She has brown, curly hair with freckles. She looked very sweet. "Arnt you Brendons close friend?" She asks, holding a binder closley to her chest. "Yea, I am. How did you know?" "Oh, I mean he posts about you all the time! Im suprised no one reconized you yet" She adds, placing the binder on the table. "Do you mind if you can sign my binder?" "Of course not! And whats your name" I reply, grinning as i sign my name onto the front cover of her binder. "Its Scarlett" She replies, smiling uncontrolably. "Thats a pretty name. Here ya go!" I complimented her. Scarlett smiles from ear to ear and takes her binder back. "Thank you so much!" She says, skipping away back to her friends. I smiled at her as I continued to watch Brendon. "I guess you got a fan" He whispers in my ear. For some reason, that sent chills down my back, making me jump a little. "Your jumpy today" He whispers again, handing a girl back her paper. I bite my lip and grin at him. He smiles and we both put our attentions back to the fangirls.

*TIME SKIP brought to you by Brendons body*

"Ok! Meet&Greet is over! Exit the room please!" The security guard yells. The room is filled with fangirls groaning and leaving the room. "Y/n..my hand hurts like crazy" Brendon groans, holding his hand. "I only signed a couple, so i guess im just lucky" I chuckle, placing my hand over Brendons, massaging it. He groans, smiling a little bit. I rub his hand as I hear snickering in the room. I ignore it and I continue to rub his hand. "Thanks Y/n. I dont know what I would do without you." Brendon says, smiling at me. I take my hand away from his and grin back. "Come on love birds, lets go watch Netflix!" Josh yells to us as he jogs to the cough. I laugh at his comment and get up, following Josh. Tyler, Andy, Pete and Joe were all sitting on the cough together, while Patrick is making popcorn. "Move, Im gay" I say, sitting on the couch. They laugh as they all scootch down. "Nice Brandon Rodgers referance" Andy comments. I laugh in response and Patrick sits on the carpet infront of us. "Get some popcorn before my fat ass eats it all" He says, holding up the popcorn bag for everyone to get. I took a hand full and stuffed it in my mouth. I feel a kernal of popcorn fall from my mouth and down onto my lap. I went to pick it up when suddenly, I see Brendons hand snatch it. "Hey! I was gonna eat that" I say, lightly pushing him. He laughs as he stuffs it in his mouth. He sits directly infront of me on the floor, along with Pat. "What are we watching?" Josh asks, scrolling through movies. "Fight Club" We all yell in harmony. Josh laughs as he hits the 'Select' button for Fight Club. We all seddle down and watch the movie.

After about an hour into the movie, I hear a knock at the door. "Ill go get it.." Pete groans, getting up from the couch and slowly jogging to the door. I put my attention back to the screen, when all of the sudden I hear Pete raise his voice. "Audrey?! What are you doing here?" Pete asks. I quickly turn my head to the door. I really didnt wanna go see her or even move. I cover Brendons ears, knowing the name will hurt him. "Im fine Y/n" He laughs, holding my hand. I smile and I take my hand away. "Brendon doesnt want to see you! You hurt him pretty bad" Pete yells once more. "Ill go see whats going on" Patrick says as he puts the popcorn bag down and walks twords the front door. I keep staring at the conversation, wondering what Audrey wanted. "Move, Emo boy! Let me see Brendon" Audrey shouts, trying to shove Pete out of the way. "Darling, Im not budging. Its best if you leave" Pete scoffs, closing the door. Before the door can fully shut, I hear a thud. I quickly get up and walk twords the door. I see Pete holding his crotch as he backed away from the door. "Audrey! What the Fuck! Leave right now, before I make you!" Patrick yells, pointing to the door. "What the hell is going on!" Brendon yells, stomping twords the door. "Oh..Hi Brendon!" She cheers. I stay in my standing position while i watch the battle set sail.

"What are you doing here?" Brendon asks. "I came here to see if I left my bra here" She said with a smirk. "Do you really think I still have your slutty bra?" Brendon says, walking infront of me. "Well, you must know what it looks like. We have had amazing sex before" Audrey comments sarcasticly. I feel my face burn with anger and embarissment. He stays quiet. "Cant you just leave? Were trying to watch fight club!" Josh, Tyler, Andy, and Joe all say from the couch. I snicker at the remark, but turn back to Audrey. "Well, if you dont know what it looks like, it looks like this" Audrey says, unbuttoning her shirt quickly and exposing her lingera bra. Patrick and Pete turn away from her and face the wall. Brendon is too angry at her to even look away. "Its best if you leave right now!" Brendon says, rasing his voice. "Oh cmon baby..I know you still want me..dont fight it" Audrey says, stepping twords Brendon. I push Audrey and get between her and Brendon. "Move away, slut" She scoffs, pushing me away with all of her might. I was strong, with no doubt, but I wasnt expecting this force. I was pushed back into the wall, my head hitting the wood hard. "Audrey! This need to stop, you should le-" Brendon begins to say, before being interuppted by Audreys lips. He tried to back away but she kept moving into the kiss. I felt my face burn with anger. Everything was happening in slow motion. I ball up my fists, trying to contain my anger. "What would I do without you" echoded through my brain. My face begins to scrutnch up and my eyes are blurred with tears.

(I put the cliffhanger so that you will beg me for more...unless I wrote a terrible fanfic. But whatever. I hope you enjoyed it and cya next time or somethin. Like for more!)

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theheirofillea · 7 years ago

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Thanks for the tag @thoughtfulseason

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

the last 1. drink: water 2. phone call: my mom 3. text message: @thoughtfulseason (if tumblr counts lol) 4. song you listened to: Perfect Places, Lorde 5. time you cried: today morning lol 6. dated someone twice: i dont date ;) 7. kissed someone and regretted it: i dont kiss and tell ;) 8. been cheated on: nada 9. lost someone special: yeah 10. been depressed: yeah, and it sucks 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: alcohol isnt the solution, kids

3 favorite colors

12. blue 13. black (ok i know black is a shade, i dont need you loveable artists breathing down my neck about it haahha ily) 14. gold

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: yes 17. laughed until you cried: yeah 18. found out someone was talking about you: lol yeah that was an awkward confrontation 19. met someone who changed you: no not really. well my friend told me that theres an option to get caramel shots at tims but thats it hahah @sohardtochooseaname 20. found out who your friends are: not rlly 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahah i dont have facebook general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: dont have facebook 23. do you have any pets: naw i wish 24. do you want to change your name: nah 25. what did you do for your last birthday: study for the exam i had the next day :( 26. what time did you wake up: 7:15 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: pretending to be sleeping whilst reading wattpad 28. name something you can’t wait for:when i finally sort my life out and good stuff happens / the next shadowhunters episode (there are two types of people lol, tag yourself xD) 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: shes traveling right now, so its been a week 31. what are you listening to right now: brendon uries heavenly voice singing ‘hallelujah’ 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: nope 33. something that is getting on your nerves: too many to count 34. most visited website: probably tumblr or twitter xD ooh and spotify web player because everyone loves infinite skips 35. hair colour: dark brown 36. long or short hair: meh its mid back 37. do you have a crush on someone: i have wcw’s everyday but tbh nah 38. what do you like about yourself: whats not to like ;) (lol jkjk i drank way to much caffiene today morning so im exerting it in the most productive way possible, also the selection oc has my flirting game on point hahah xD but i like my taste in music and my musical abilities) 39. piercings: ears (nothing too fancy, just earrings) 40. blood type: o+ 41. nickname: deeps / ari 42. relationship status: single 43. zodiac: gemini 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: shadowhunters, tbbt, flash, maos 46. tattoos: none 47. right or left handed: ambidextrous but righty 48. surgery: nope 49. piercing: ears 50. sport: swimming, soccer, figure skating 51. vacation: i havent been on one since last year, but if this is asking about my dream vacation then probably traveling the world or visit europe because alot of my tumblr buds are from europe 52. pair of trainers: huhhh MORE GENERAL 53. eating: lunch 54. drinking: water 55. i’m about to: finish lunch 56. waiting for: my life to get better 57. want: to get into my dream university, for jace herondale to get everything he deserves, and for all the fake friends to just tell me youre fake rather than play me

58. get married: sure, one day

59. career: cognitive psychologist / concert pianist / astronaut / aerospace scientist

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: hugs 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: is this asking me if i want to have a guy who is older or younger or if i like to be older or younger.. well the answer to the guy is same age or like a little bit older ( i dont want a sugar daddy lol) and for me, i like my age right now 64. nice arms or nice stomach: idc 65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: trouble maker HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: nope 68. drank hard liquor: lol 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: sunglasses 70. turned someone down: yeah.. that was awk 71. sex on the first date: hahaha what date but eww no 72. broken someone’s heart: i hope not.. maybe that guy i rejected, but hes a chill dude so i doubt it 73. had your heart broken: yeah 74. been arrested: nope 75. cried when someone died: yeah 76. fallen for a friend: comme si comme sa DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: most of the time 78. miracles: always 79. love at first sight: nah 80. santa claus: the bro didnt visit my houseee (santa if youre reading this then you should be ashamed of yourself) 81. kiss on the first date: nada 82. angels: more like shadowhunters xD OTHER: 83. current best friend’s name: not telling for anonymity 84. eye colour: brown 85. favourite movie: im not a movie fan

I TAG: (again, not 20 people because i have no friends and am tired. also theyre not all followers) @officialahrenschreave @eadlynschreaveofillea @eadlynschreave @lolyourenotmaxon @claryfightwood @grayacejace @ihavehalfofmyblood @red-panda-monium

#theheirofillea does tags #tired asf

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me-importa-mother-blog · 8 years ago

Text

it FINALLY fucking happened

i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means?

i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together.

at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever.

originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love.

and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.

he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit.

i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it.

but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children.

but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid.

and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )

a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did.

but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.

irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want

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tooloud-toopainful · 7 years ago

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It's your turn to do all bb

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? I dont remember

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Im mostly shy but I can be outgoing

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My friends

4. Are you easy to get along with? Yeah, Im a pretty chill person

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? @childliketemper

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? People who are kind… and other things im too lazy to type it all it would be a page long ha…

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? I dont talk to many guys

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Not really, I think we are all adults here.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? @childliketemper

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Choked on my water ( I said before that is I almost fucking died because of you)

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Seperate from pvris (all songs from pvris), jiffy jane from New Hollow,Bad bad bad by LANY, Strangers by Halsey, Circles by EDEN.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Dude depends who it is

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? To an extent

15. What good thing happened this summer? I got to hang out with @childliketemper

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? NOPE gross

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes dude, for sure

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? not really

19. Do you like bubble baths? to an extent Im more of a shower person

20. Do you like your neighbors? They are pretty chill

21. What are you bad habits? I got alot… kinda…. not going to list them

22. Where would you like to travel? THE WHOLE WORLD MY DUDE

23. Do you have trust issues? YESSS OMFG I have them so bad

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? My outfits HAHAH

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? how skinny I am (most people say im weird for saying it but its true) OR my jaw

26. What do you do when you wake up? I text @childliketemper good morning everyday

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Neither

28. Who are you most comfortable around? @childliketemper and my sister

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yep

30. Do you ever want to get married? HECK YA DUDE YOU KNOW IT

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Im pretty sure

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? LYNN GUNN FOR SURE, Brendon urie and ummmmmmm Alex Babinski

33. Spell your name with your chin. Probably not, not even going to try

34. Do you play sports? What sports? NOPE

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Im a chicken alright I wont tell anyone if i liked them

37. What do you say during awkward silences? I crack a cold one with the boys JOKES I crack a joke

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? My dream person…..mmmm TO LAZY TO TYPE IT ALL SORRY

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? old navy for sure and H&M

40. What do you want to do after high school? I dont know….

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Depends

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? depends for certain people.

43. Do you smile at strangers? Sometimes… idk

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? OUTER SPACE MY DOOOOD

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? my alarm clock or Im hungry

46. What are you paranoid about? alot of things

47. Have you ever been high? nope

48. Have you ever been drunk? Nope

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? nope just breathing

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? tie die my dude

51. Ever wished you were someone else? yes

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? How sensitive and anxious I get

53. Favourite makeup brand? I dont wear makeup

54. Favourite store? Old navy or H&M

55. Favourite blog? @childliketemper

56. Favourite colour? ORANGE

57. Favourite food? Tacos

58. Last thing you ate? chicken alfredo

59. First thing you ate this morning? FRENCH TOAST

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Im a loser so no

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? NOPE

62. Been arrested? For what?NOPE

63. Ever been in love? nope

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? it was awkward I dont think yall need to go through that experience

65. Are you hungry right now? ALWAYS

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? My tumblr friends are my real friends

67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? Kelly, Brynne, Cali, Tristin, Brooke

71. Craving something? What? DEATH

72. What colour are your towels? Blue, I have alot of colors though so

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 4

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? nope

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? I got alot my dude

75. Favourite animal? I love all animals but dogs for sure ( my cat is right by me so if I die RIP)

76. What colour is your underwear? gray

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? BOTH

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Cookie dough

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? gray

80. What colour pants? um Im wearing PJS so blue

81. Favourite tv show? I got so many

82. Favourite movie? I got so many

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Honestly Idk I love all of them

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? DORY I RELATE TO HER SO MUCH

87. First person you talked to today? @childliketemper

88. Last person you talked to today? @childliketemper

89. Name a person you hate? I dont hate anyone sorry dude

90. Name a person you love? what kind of love cause i love all my friends and family

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? MYSELF

92. In a fight with someone? just myself HAHA nah dude im not all about that life I hate drama… love watching drama shows and stuff

93. How many sweatpants do you have? alot

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? SO MANY DONT GET ME STARTED

95. Last movie you watched? Wonder Woman

96. Favourite actress? I have so many ;-;

97. Favourite actor? I have so many as well

98. Do you tan a lot? Nope

99. Have any pets? 1

100. How are you feeling? Im feeling alright

101. Do you type fast? Kinda I think I do

102. Do you regret anything from your past? YEP

103. Can you spell well? idk I feel like I suck at it xD KINDA i guess

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? nope not that i can think of

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? nope but I had one with my family

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I dont think so and if i did Im so sorry my dude

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes

108. What should you be doing? Idk, living to the fullest

109. Is something irritating you right now? yes

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? YESSSS

111. Do you have trust issues? Yep big time

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I think @childliketemper

113. What was your childhood nickname? There was alot and they were mean

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes

115. Do you play the Wii? I use too

116. Are you listening to music right now? YEP

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yeah dude

118. Do you like Chinese food? EW, no well noodles but Idk what the meat is so i dont eat it

119. Favourite book? anything stephen king

120. Are you afraid of the dark? to an extent

121. Are you mean? to an extent

122. Is cheating ever okay? NO WTF

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? yep

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? to an extent

125. Do you believe in true love? to an extent

126. Are you currently bored? yes

127. What makes you happy? My friends and what I love to do

128. Would you change your name? nope

129. What your zodiac sign? GEMINI

130. Do you like subway? YES

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? I would talk to them about it and tell them how I felt even if i didnt feel the same way

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? @childliketemper

133. Favourite lyrics right now? Theres always been a disconnect Running from my heart to my head and no its never made much sense. Ive been feeling so distant, Can you be the one to connect? Pick up all the pieces again?

134. Can you count to one million? Yes but it would take me awhile.. I get out of breath

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? That my sister hit me first even though i did

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? both, mostly open though

137. How tall are you? 5′7 I think

138. Curly or Straight hair? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette

140. Summer or Winter? I love them both

141. Night or Day? BOTH

142. Favourite month? Idk Any month within spring and fall

143. Are you a vegetarian? NOPE

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk

145. Tea or Coffee? BOTH

146. Was today a good day? I guess

147. Mars or Snickers? BOTH

148. What’s your favourite quote? I dont have one rip

149. Do you believe in ghosts? YES

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? When he did, the door swung shut on his head. ( got to love stephen king my dudes)

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