#brains are fascinating because I was listening to this song while I was cutting photos I had printed out

[amaliatheartist]

process the progress

[active-mind-15]

I've had a thought for some time now... what if Akashi was a BTS fan?

At first, I was entertaining this idea simply because BTS and KNB are my biggest interests, but then I started to think harder about it, and I think it would make sense for him to be a fan of them.

Now, I know some of my KNB moots on Tumblr listen to Kpop, but I know that not everyone does, and even the ones who do are not all fans of BTS. With that being said, I'll try and explain things as best as I can for all the folks unfamiliar with BTS so this headcanon is easier to understand even for non-fans.

I predict this is going to be a very long post, so I'll have mercy on y'all and put the rest of this under the cut. Enjoy!

A summary of who BTS is for anyone reading who doesn't know them:

7-member music group from South Korea. They debuted on June 13th, 2013, and are comprised of 3 rappers and 4 vocalists. The members are RM (leader and rapper), Jin (vocalist), Suga (rapper), J-Hope (rapper), Jimin (vocalist), V (vocalist), and Jungkook (vocalist). Here's a picture for reference. I also wrote their stage names down next to each member so you know who is who.

BTS is an acronym for Bangtan Sonyeondan, roughly translating to "bulletproof boys". So, BTS aimed to be the bulletproof shield to protect people--especially those in their 10s and 20s--from harsh societal criticism that rained down on them like bullets. Their fanbase is called ARMY, an acronym that stands for "Adorable Representative MCs for Youth" (yeah I know it's wordy), and with that name, BTS hoped that listeners of their music would be inspired to find their voice and spread positivity. While they do have their fair share of cute/silly songs, a very large chunk of their work is lyrically introspective and touches on a lot of social, psychological, and even political issues. Bolstered by the fact that their music is self-written and co-produced, their authenticity is one of their biggest strong points and has allowed millions of people worldwide to relate to the messages in their music.

That being said, what does this have to do with Akashi being an ARMY? Well, I just wanted to imagine how he would become fascinated with a group like them, so I'll be splitting up this post into sections. I don't know how many sections I'll do, I'm winging this as I go, so let's just start with section 1.

HOW DID HE BECOME AN ARMY?

Mibuchi. Mibuchi strikes me as someone who would already be an ARMY and would convince Akashi to give them a shot. Maybe Akashi catches Mibuchi gushing over some photos of them online and it happens enough times that he finally cracks and asks who they are.

As someone who is an ARMY of 7+ years, when someone asks me who BTS is, I have to hold myself back from exploding where I stand because I get so excited when someone wants to know about them because they're so amazing that I always want more people to discover their music. Mibuchi, being the dedicated ARMY that he is, would instantly fill Akashi in on the details of who they are, the type of music they make, and who each of the members is, and Akashi would listen very intently, getting more curious the more he listens to Mibuchi talk about them.

Something I usually do when people ask for BTS recs is ask them for their favorite genres. The reason why I do that is because BTS has experimented with so many genres that their discography is incredibly diverse, probably more diverse than most artists I've ever listened to. So, I usually just fine-tune my recommendations to people's preferences to make the initial listening experience more palatable. And that's what Mibuchi does for Akashi. Once he gets Akashi's favorite genres, he sends him a playlist of BTS songs that fit his preferences. And so, because Akashi isn't one to turn down music recommendations, he keeps his word and listens to the playlist front to back.

After finishing the playlist, Akashi lays on his bed and stares at the ceiling, the chemistry of his brain permanently altered, wondering how on earth he went so long without knowing who BTS was.

AKASHI'S BIAS AND BIAS-WRECKER

If you don't know what these terms mean, having a 'bias' just means you have a favorite member. It's someone you feel your attention is naturally drawn to more than others in the group. You can be drawn to them for multiple reasons such as liking their voice, thinking their fashion is cool, or having a similar personality to theirs. There really are no rules for this kind of thing. A 'bias-wrecker' is a member who steals (said endearingly) your attention away from your bias, on occasion. Think of it as two members constantly replacing each other as your favorite. However, this is not always the case and not every ARMY has a bias/bias-wrecker. Some spread their attention pretty evenly across all the members and don't really have a particular favorite. But it's a fun question ARMYs like to ask other ARMYs every now and again, so for the sake of this post, I will include who I think Akashi's bias and bias-wrecker would be if he had them.

So, right off the bat, I know deep in my heart that Akashi's bias would without a doubt be Suga.

Reasons why I think Suga would be his bias:

All of the BTS members are authentic, but Suga is most notably known for his raw unfiltered lyrics and his candidness about his past experiences. He suffered a lot in his teens and 20s to be able to make music the way he is today. Despite all that, he's unafraid to speak about his mental health journey and often encourages ARMYs to be open about our own journies as well so we can normalize conversations around it and get the support we need. Through listening to Suga's story, Akashi would probably relate a lot to his struggles and gain strength from his words.

Suga's stage name is actually short for "shooting guard" because that was the basketball position he used to play back when he was in high school. So, he would get extra points in Akashi's book simply for that. I know he'd be excited to find out that piece of information and relay it back to Mibuchi, who would then show Akashi videos of Suga playing basketball and get him more excited about Suga. I can just imagine him going into captain mode and making little comments here and there like "he has a nice release" or "his shots go in very cleanly" or "I would have scouted him for Rakuzan if he were a high-schooler".

I also think there are a few similarities in their personalities Akashi would pick up on. Aside from their shared love of basketball and personal struggles with mental health as teens, I would say they're both pretty introverted, are extremely hard workers, both play piano, both show affection to their loved ones through acts of service, and both of them are incredibly strong, despite all that they've been through.

But who is Akashi's bias-wrecker? I'd have to say it'd be RM.

Reasons why I think RM would be his bias:

As I've mentioned before, RM is the official leader of BTS. I think for that reason, he would garner a lot of respect from Akashi, who would be impressed as to how he could be the leader of a globally recognized group starting from such a young age, especially when he hears about all of the hardships BTS had to face as they climbed up the ladder. As someone who has also had to step up and be a leader from a very young age, Akashi would look to RM and take notes of his leadership style to see if there's anything he could implement in his own life.

RM is also one of the main lyricists of BTS and the way he can speak and carry himself with such poise and maturity would also be another thing that Akashi respects. He loves to analyze RM's lyrics for every use of double entendres, wordplay, and literary/psychology references. (I have a separate headcanon that Akashi is at least conversational in Korean, if not fluent, so I'm sure that would make RM's lyrics all the more interesting to dissect.)

Akashi would also find similarities between himself and RM, too, outside of being leaders of their respective teams such as a love for the fine arts and nature, high intelligence (RM has an IQ of 148), and his down-to-earth demeanor.

FAVORITE BTS GROUP SONGS:

So I'm just gonna go album by album and list the songs that I think Akashi would pick as his favorite from each one, mostly due to the message in the lyrics, but some will also be because I think the instrumentals would be up his alley. I'll also provide some links to lyric videos so you guys can listen and read along to further understand my song choices. Any songs with an asterisk(*) next to them will link to a music video, so just turn on the closed captions. Fair warning, the older music videos have translated captions that are a little bit clunkier, but they're still readable. Anyway, let's go!

2 Cool 4 Skool (2013):

No More Dream*

O!RUL8,2? (2013):

Intro: O!RUL8,2?

N.O*

Skool Luv Affair (2014):

Just One Day*

Dark & Wild (2014):

Rain

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Part 1 (2015):

Intro: The Most Beautiful Moment in Life

Moving On

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Part 2 (2015):

RUN*

Butterfly

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life: Young Forever (2016):

Butterfly (Prologue Mix)

House of Cards (Full Length Edition)

Epilogue: Young Forever*

Wings (2016):

Lie

First Love

Reflection

2! 3!

You Never Walk Alone (2017):

Spring Day*

A Supplementary Story: You Never Walk Alone

Love Yourself: Her (2017):

Serendipity*

Outro: Her

Sea

Love Yourself: Tear (2018):

Singularity*

The Truth Untold

Paradise

Magic Shop

Love Yourself: Answer (2018):

Euphoria

Answer: Love Myself

Map of the Soul: Persona (2019):

Mikrokosmos

Jamais Vu

Map of the Soul: 7 (2020)

Black Swan* (also the classical version*)

Louder Than Bombs

We are Bulletproof: The Eternal*

BE (2020)

Life Goes On*

Blue & Grey

Proof (2022)

Yet To Come*

For Youth

BTS has released some Japanese original songs, too, so I'll include which ones I think would be his favorite among those!

Crystal Snow (2017)

Lights* (2019)

Your Eyes Tell (2020)

FAVORITE BTS SOLO SONGS:

Each of the BTS members has dropped their own solo projects whether it be singles or full albums, so I'll go member by member and talk about which of each member's solo songs I think would be his favorite.

RM:

Life (RM, 2015)

uhgood (mono, 2018)

forever rain* (mono, 2018)

No. 2 (Indigo, 2022)

Jin:

Tonight (2019)

Abyss (2020)

Yours (2021)

Suga/Agust D:

So Far Away (Agust D, 2016)

People (D-2, 2020)

Set me free (D-2, 2020)

AMYGDALA* (D-DAY, 2023)

Snooze (D-DAY, 2023)

J-Hope:

Piece of Peace (Hope World, 2018)

Blue Side (Hope World, 2018)

Equal Sign (Jack in the Box, 2022)

Safety Zone (Jack in the Box, 2022)

Jimin:

Promise (2018)

Like Crazy* (FACE, 2023)

Alone (FACE, 2023)

V:

Scenery (2019)

Snow Flower (2020)

Rainy Days* (Layover, 2023)

Love Me Again* (Layover, 2023)

Jungkook:

Still With You (2020)

Stay Alive (2022)

Shot Glass of Tears (Golden, 2023)

HOW AKASHI FEELS BEING AN ARMY

I think finding out such a prominent music act is singing about topics he directly relates to is such a shock to him. It's like he feels seen at long last and he isn't going through these issues alone. Even if BTS doesn't know who he is, the fact that their music speaks to him is enough to comfort him through tough times.

I'd like to think that when he's had an exceptionally rough day, he likes to just lie in bed and listen to them. He seems like the type of person to reserve time out of his day to just listen to their music in silence.

Because he became such a fan, he and Mibuchi would now have so much more to talk about with each other, and Akashi would also come to understand why Mibuchi would be such a big fan of a group like them. Together, they'd stream new releases right when they come out, watch BTS's livestreams together, and, if they're able, go to concerts together. Concerts are more of a new thing for Akashi since I feel like he has never been to a proper concert before, so the first concert he'd ever go to would probably be super overwhelming, but he'd feel reassured with Mibuchi by his side. And the concert ends up being amazing and Akashi feels like he just...belongs. Something would finally click for him that day, and he would realize that this level of connection, not just with the artists, but with the fans as well, was something he really enjoyed.

BTS would kinda stay as mainly Akashi and Mibuchi's thing, but Hayama and Nebuya do give BTS a shot, too, and find they do like a lot of their music as well. Their favorite songs are probably the more upbeat ones, though, as opposed to most of the ones I chose to be Akashi's favorites.

But the bottom line is that being able to come together with his friends over a common interest outside of basketball makes Akashi happy and he hopes he can continue to share memories with his friends through music.

Okay, I've gotta cut it off here, I have to get ready for a family dinner outing. If you managed to make it to the end of my post, I hope you enjoyed my ramblings and also the music I linked. Bye for now!

[streamacademe]

Week 106, Day 735.

My trip to Scotland was a success and I managed to collect some samples! But, I don’t want to talk about that this week. As my 3rd year has officially commenced, I would instead like to dedicate this post to lessons I’ve learned as a 2nd year PhD student and reiterate over my coping strategies.  So, without further ado... 10 lessons I learned as a 2nd year PhD student:

Be prepared to face some dark times with your mental health - I won’t lie to you, it can, and probably will get pretty ugly. At times it will feel like the entire world is on your shoulders and you can’t breathe. I have had countless mental breakdowns this year, which usually involve bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, before passing out from the exhaustion of it all, then coming around and crying again. Not fun. I have also suffered from insomnia, and, on the flip side, have had many days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I have included some coping strategies for set backs with mental health at the end of this post. 

It will get hard and you’re going to want to quit - I’m sorry to be a bit of a downer, but it’s the truth. For me, giving up is not an option, but even I have had days where I’ve wanted to quit. It’s probably in the terms and conditions of a PhD to feel like this sometimes, but no one ever reads those. How you keep the love for your project glowing is for you to figure out. I always think of the finish line and of how far I’ve come. Or neck a glass of wine, that also helps...

Find a balance between feeling terrified and apathetic, and stupid and self-assured - PhD’s are terrifying, which I appreciate can be exhausting and can lead to feeling apathetic. However, apathy is both a blessing and a curse. It may make you feel calmer and more able, but it sure as hell won’t motivate you to try harder and do better. The same applies for feeling self-assured; yes, you’re clearly a clever bean for getting this far and you should acknowledge and celebrate that, but feeling stupid pushes us to seek knowledge, which is what science is all about. 

Focus on genuine priorities - Procrastination/dedicating your time to non-essential tasks are your no.1 enemies. PhD’s are extremely unpredictable and you have to try and be ahead of the game or you risk falling too far behind. So make sure you know exactly what your priorities are and treat them as such. 

To do lists and GANTT charts are life savers - On your worst days,  refer to these to reorient yourself and stay on track. Make sure they’re always up to date, kept neat, and, most importantly, realistic. 

Self-care is critical - And no, I don’t just mean bubble baths with scented candles every night, although those are definitely helpful. Self-care is looking after your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Pushing yourself too hard can end really badly. Use me as an example, I pushed myself too hard physically and damaged my spine, which resulted in me taking a week off work. I won’t even mention the amount of mental health set backs I’ve had. So, do whatever it is that allows you to rest your bones, de-frazzles your mind, makes you happy, helps you feel better, and makes you feel like you can keep going. 

You have to learn to say ‘no’ - This will probably be something you’re not used to or are comfortable doing, but I have learned from personal experience that this is literally the most important thing when it comes to  looking after yourself and avoiding burnout. 

Your personal growth is impossible to ignore - Who you are when you start your PhD is definitely not the person you will be at the end. You never stop learning and developing in a PhD, but like, at an accelerated rate. I find it fascinating looking back at my progress reports; something that may have felt impossible 6 months ago is now the norm. 

Rely on your supervisors for help - THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. You DO NOT have to do everything alone. Ask questions, talk to them about your problems, seek their advice. And if they make you feel inferior, uncomfortable, stupid, or make themselves unavailable to you, contact your student support office/r, because a supervisor should NEVER do that. Furthermore, don’t be afraid to voice your opinions and stand your ground with your superiors, they are only human, just like you, and if you feel like they are misguiding or misunderstanding you, tell them. This is your PhD, not anybody else’s. 

Remember that your PhD is your work not your life - As hard as that may be. That is all. 

My ways of coping with the challenges of doing a PhD:

Spend time with animals and in nature - Honestly, if I had to choose just one bit of advice, it’d be this. Animals are the definition of joy, and being in nature always reminds me how beautiful the world can be, irrespective of how dark and rubbish mine may feel at times. 

Sleep - Getting enough sleep makes my anxiety more manageable, my mood better, and means I have more energy to deal with what life has to throw at me. Don’t listen to how much sleep you “should” have, instead listen to your body and work with it. Personally, I aim for at least 8 hours a night. 

Minimalism - I have mentioned minimalism many times on my blog. The benefits of this lifestyle are countless. With respect to my PhD, living with less allows me to have more room to breathe and think. It also means I spend more time on experiences instead of material things. Minimalism also allows me to live intentionally and aligns with my personal values. This in return means that I am more at peace with the life I lead outside of my PhD. 

Save money - Not only do savings mean a sense of security, but having money set aside can be really helpful if you are in need of a getaway or simply want to treat yourself without getting into debt. Furthermore, as there is no guarantee of a job straight after your PhD, or if your funding runs out before you finish, it is essential to have some savings as a safety net to fall on if need be. 

Read - I use books as a form of escape from reality, typically reading either before bed or in the morning before work. It helps take my mind off  the stresses that clutter my brain.

Exercise, eat healthy, and drink plenty of water - I know you’ve heard it all before, but here it is again. It works.

Red Bull (as a last resort) - There are many things in life that have impacted my ability to focus this year, including long drives, bad news, sleepless nights, and mental health issues. However, life doesn’t stop when you want to and so when I’m really struggling I turn to Red Bull for help, and it really does help me. (I don’t drink coffee and tea doesn’t cut it). I always ensure not to drink more than one can a day or drink alcohol within the same 24 hours that I’ve drank Red Bull in. 

How I try to cope with mental health set backs: Disclaimer: ‘Try’ is a critical word here as it is not always easy or straightforward to do the below, and, sadly, sometimes none of these suggestions work. 

Talk about it - I HATE talking about my mental health issues to people as I don’t want to burden my friends, upset my family, or appear weak at work. However, there are times where I’ve had to, and it’s helped. I mainly talk to my boyfriend about it, but should probably see a therapist. Hey ho, small steps. If you really can’t talk about it, write about it, either publicly or privately. 

Perspective - I have been watching a show called ‘New Amsterdam’ recently, which has really helped me see how insignificant some of my problems are. That’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel like crap just because you’re not having open heart surgery, of course you are, but trying to do things that change your perspective can be very helpful in coming out of a mental health episode. Geddit?

Give back - There is always someone having a worse time than you and nothing helps to snap you out of your pity party like lending a helping hand. Whether it’s volunteering at a homeless shelter, running a marathon for charity, or simply donating what you can to a cause you believe in. Give back. 

Headspace - I’m sure you’ve heard of this app/website, if not, here it is. Personally, I don’t like Andy Puddicombes voice, or listening to a human in general, so I don’t use the platform for meditation, but they do have a great range of sleepcasts and sounds, which I use to combat my insomnia. 

Calming medication (natural) - I use an essential oil aromatherapy roller ball to help me overcome an anxious episode or get me off to sleep. Personally, I use Tisserand for these. I also use Rescue Remedy drops for the same reason (these contain alcohol so aren’t for everyone). 

Get the F off of social media for a while - Honestly, your phone isn’t an essential organ, take a break from it, see what wonders it can do for you.

Cut out toxic/negative people - Fill your life with wholesome people, get rid of anyone that makes your recovery impossible, or your life difficult. Be as harsh as you need to be, cry about it, drink about it, but do it, and don’t go back. Here’s a great song to support you through this.  

That is all folks. It took me all day to write this, so I hope it’s at least somewhat helpful. ❤ Peace. 

Photo: A photo of a sunset that made me feel better after an especially difficult day. Source: My camera.

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 1999

A list with quite possibly the most embarrassing #1 yet, and considering some of the previous ones, that’s really saying something.

Also, a very, very long list of honorable mentions.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

This could have almost been a top fifteen, because holy f█cking shit look at this list of honorable mentions. I might eventually make a top 15 for some years (gosh I just finished my 2013 top and it’s a massacre of good songs, an absolute disaster, and I’m seriously considering making it a top 15 or 20 I swear), but for now, it’s still manageable.

Summer Son (Texas) - Why is this so hot. The lyrics aren’t even hot in the first place. What the hell.

That Don’t Impress Me Much (Shania Twain) - Not my favorite song from her but still very good. Fun fact, one of my English teachers was using songs as dictation exercises and that was the hardest one he ever used for that. I don’t think any of us got the Elvis line right. Also he’s solely responsible for me loving The Cure because the second song he used for this kind of exercise was Boys Don’t Cry. This has nothing to do with Shania Twain but I thought it was a fun little story to tell.

Jusqu’au Bout de la Nuit (Emile et Images) - Two French bands from the eighties team up and release a song which is composed of every single one of their hit songs from the eighties, with each chorus sung one after the other, and... it sounds great? And it charted?? My brother absolutely loved them, too. The only reason it’s not on the list is that it feels like cheating, in a way. I mean, half these songs could top some of my lists on their own. Putting them together is a dirty trick, guys! Oh well, I love you all anyway.

Baby One More Time (Britney Spears) - I really love this song and it was on the list at first, but overplay played a big role in its removal from it.

L’Ame Stram Gram (Mylène Farmer) - Has the privilege of being the first Mylène Farmer music video I ever saw in my life. Was incredibly confused but also fascinated. The song isn’t her best though, and she’s on so many of these lists that I claim self care on its removal from this one, especially because, uh... she’s still gonna appear on it anyway. Damn it.

Move Your Body (Eiffel 65) - I told you I loved stupid dance music didn’t I. Unfortunately things aren’t gonna get better as years pass. I just made a list (which is gonna be posted muuuuuuch later) where I put David Guetta six places higher than Adele. This isn’t a joke.

Save Tonight (Eagle Eye Cherry) - I genuinely love this song and it’s kinda sad I couldn’t fit it on any of the two lists where it was elligible.

La Manivelle (Wazoo) - This would NEVER have charted if La Tribu de Dana by Manau hadn’t been such an enormous hit the previous year. Not in a million years. And if it hadn’t, the world would have been a little less fun. So I’m glad. I love it and it was one of the last cuts from this list.

Kiss Me (Sixpence None the Richer) - Was also on the list at first. Was removed because it never ended on any compilation I made and that’s the only reason.

Well, that was long. Here’s the proper list.

10 - Crazy (Britney Spears)

US: Not on the list?? I was very surprised / FR: #14

So I dug up the first cd compilations I ever made for the previous list, and look what’s the first song on the third compilation I ever made!

Relistened to it, still love it to bits, put it on the list. Sorry Kiss Me.

9 - All Star (Smash Mouth)

US: #17 / FR: Not on the list

I know it’s impossible to listen to it with fresh ears after something like 15 years of memes. But it’s still damn good and a ton of fun to sing along with it.

8 - Ma Baker 99 (Boney M)

US: Not on the list / FR: #66

Where’s that photo of the cd compilation I mentioned in the previous list?

There it is.

Yep, it’s a remix, but it charted here, and it sounds and looks absolutely fantastic. I had never heard the original at the time for some reason, and that song sounded so badass. I could only understand isolated bits of the lyrics (like “she was the meanest cat in all Chicago town”, “the cops appeared too soon they couldn’t get away”, “she never could cry”) but it was enough to get a general idea, and that was back when I was starting to realise than most of the dance songs I enjoyed as a kid didn’t tell stories and weren’t about wizards and magic. So, a song about a mean woman who’s also a gangster?? I was like, wow, nice, a song I like with an actual story, give me twenty.

7 - Boom Boom Boom Boom (Vengaboys)

US: Not on the list / FR: #20

Told you I loved Vengaboys! It’s also on that third cd compilation I ever made!

Fun fact, at the time, for a while I didn’t know what the lyrics were and since I only knew a couple of words of English I was convinced a “broom” was somehow involved in the lyrics instead of a “room”.

6 - Souviens-toi du jour (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #73

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ; I used to be a huge fan of her as a teenager and my brain somehow links her and her songs in general to some dark times in my life - and so, every single time she appears on one of my lists, I feel like I’m texting an unstable ex and that things will end horribly and I probably shouldn’t do that but, ugh, can’t help it, love her too much.

Ok so the first seconds are actually painful to listen to but holy shit, that’s a beautiful, beautiful song. When the chorus swells near the end, so full of hope and light? Amazing. Chills on my arms every single time. That’s from one of her best albums, too. I have nothing more to say about it.

5 - Better Off Alone (Alice Deejay)

US: Not on the list / FR: #30

I don’t have anything to say about this one apart from the fact one of my friends around 2005 thought the lyrics were “do you think you’re better? rofl lol” and I think that’s hilarious.

Moving on to- oh shit oh no not that song

4 - Je te rends ton amour (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #97

What I said in #6 also applies here and this song is so dark it feels even worse. That song used to be very important in my life. Bad memories, bad times. Really, really bad times.

So. Uh. This is a song about a woman in a painting, who’s despising her creator, and possibly (that’s very, very open to interpretation, here’s a translation) coming out of her frame to kill him. That’s quite possibly the weirdest story I’ve ever heard in a song, and I love it. And it sounds so sinister. God, the first notes. They are so ominous. And that brief moment of silence after the bridge, right before the guitar explodes again? Horrible chills. I’m not sure who killed who or what actually happened in the story but press F to pay respects.

Also the music video has nothing to do with the lyrics and it’s absolutely terrifying and I shouldn’t have watched this at 14 because it’s kinda burned into my mind now and it will never go away and you probably shouldn’t watch it either.

If it wasn’t so inextricably linked to bad memories, this song would be #2. I still love it and listen to it but I kinda jump like a scared rabbit whenever I hear it by surprise and it should come with its own trigger warning as far as I’m concerned.

3 - Narcotic (Liquido)

US: Not on the list / FR: #99

This is barely elligible. But I’m so, so glad it is. These chords right there? Love them. Love. Them.

Also here’s a fun story about this song and me. At first, I was like “oh wow, I can only understand one word out of five, but this sounds badass.” Then a couple of years later I was like “oh. Oh no. It’s about drugs.” And THEN a few years later I was like “oh shit oh no. It’s about sex.” But no, now that I can understand everything, it’s just a breakup song. It’s okay.

2 - Where I’m headed (Lene Marlin)

US: Not on the list / FR: #24

Ok so. Uh. I just realised this song was called Where I’m headed and not, as I believed for literally 18 years, “Pass By”. I had never checked. I have it on several tapes and several cd compilations, always labelled Pass By. It’s also called Pass By on the mp3 I still have in my playlist. I know I’m in the wrong here and probably never checked what the title was but I still feel like there’s been a glitch in the matrix. What happened.

Anyway. Fantastic song. Love it.

Now let’s embarrass myself beyond all hopes of redemption.

1 - Blue (Eiffel 65)

US: Not on the list (...yet. #49 in 2000) / FR: #2

So. Uh. Yeah.

Blue by Eiffel 65 was, for a long, long, LONG time, my favorite song ever.

See? This is one of my oldest lists of favorite songs.

Another one from several months later.

A cd compilation of my favorite songs ever, which I made around 2003 or 2004 as well, with a booklet with lyrics entirely copied by hand and with every page painstakingly illustrated with panels and characters from my favorite comic at the time, Horologiom.

You open the booklet, and look at that, Blue is the second song right after Children.

This silly song which lists blue things and has a nonsensical chorus and one of the dumbest music videos of the entire 90s was, indeed, for years, my favorite song ever. Why. How. Well, first, please remember I am, in fact, a sucker for dance music and electronic music ESPECIALLY when a piano is involved, but this isn’t at all why this song was special to me (and still is, actually).

As I already mentioned, music has colors to me and guess what’s the dominant color of this song? Yepppppp. This is one of the bluest songs ever made even if there’s a little black, yellow and green here and there - the only song I can think about right now which out-blues it is Derezzed by Daft Punk.

And I can’t even begin to explain how SATISFYING a blue song called “Blue” listing blue things and which has an extremely blue music video is.

I know. It’s an embarrassing #1 even for 1999. It took me a long time to post this list partly for this reason. But I wouldn’t be honest if it was placed at any other position. It’s stupid, it’s repetitive, it’s meaningless. I absolutely love it and I’ve loved it for twenty years.

Deal with it.

Next up: the year when I actually started to buy cds with my own money, with debatable results.

[homosociallyyours]

a friend just posted a pic on fb of the coffee shop we used to hang out at, taken way back in the day. it’s just a shot of the place taken from inside, looking out the big glass windows and onto the street of downtown chattanooga. but one friend pointed out that she could see another friend’s van parked across the street, and one of the baristas came on and said he’d taken the photo and then proceeded to post a bunch more. 

anyway i’m feeling nostalgic so i’m posting about it. memories behind the cut. 

i started going there when i was maybe 15 years old. i don’t remember why, but it’s likely that the artsy nerd club i was a part of (we stayed after school to watch amadeus and monty python and we’d sometimes go to the local art museum) went there after a meeting one day. or maybe someone told me about it. anyway, it was my favorite place to go. i would drink pots of tea, always trying new things. 

on my 16th birthday my parents got me a teapot from there and a gift certificate to buy tea with. i had that teapot til it broke a year ago. 20+ years! it moved with me to and from college, to nyc, california, texas, and back to california. damn. 

anyway after i’d been going for a while i started talking with the owner. his name was ian, and he was pretty young. he loved tea and coffee and he had a roaster where they’d make their own coffee. it was loud and lovely, and for a long time it lived up front, right by a little elevated area with couches. when it was running you couldn’t hear anything and had no choice but to either shout or be quiet. 

ian encouraged my love of tea, and offered to keep track of everything i’d tried in a little notebook that was kept behind the counter. i got to make notes on every pot i drank, and i remember writing “terrible! grass!” after my first pot of green tea (it was oversteeped--my fault--and probably made with water that was too hot--their fault). i had my first pu-er there, and fell in love with its damp leaf flavor and that turned earth scent that it has. i drank multiple pots of jasmine pearls and wrote a caffeine fueled poem about it with a friend. i loved that little coffee shop. 

i don’t remember when i went from hanging out inside to hanging out outside, but i feel like i was 18 or so. the older people (they were probably barely 21-25, fucking babies) sat out there smoking and drinking coffee. i developed a crush one summer on a guy who made me think of arthur dent for some reason (don’t ask because i don’t know) and we went on one awkward date and didn’t kiss, and now i wonder what’s happened to him and if he, too, wasn’t straight. who knows? someone, i’m sure, but i can’t remember his last name anymore so is it even relevant? 

i’d never felt cool til i went off to college. it was like leveling up without trying, like when you’re playing a game and do one action and suddenly all your stats are refilled and you’re like...this is unexpected? but i’ll take it? i think that’s why i decided i could really sit with the outside tables. that and my bff, who was dating someone who was friends with a lot of those people, would show up sometimes and sit out there. 

(if you’ve actually been reading along so far, here’s where i’m gonna introduce you to a bunch of people i’ve never talked about before and will likely never mention again. just so you have fair warning.) 

the cast of characters shifted a lot, but there were always the constants. scott, the barista, who was much older than most of the people hanging out but looked young and seemed young. i look back with adult eyes and question the relationship we had, but at the time i just thought it was cool that someone so much older thought i was worth hanging out with. but he was 30 when i was 19, and man that’s a lotta years. he had a summer where he hit on my friend and i constantly, after his wife left him and he was kinda floundering a bit. but it never went past flirting and it never bothered me, though like i said it kinda does now. we were still hanging out when i was 21 and we’d go get beers after the coffee shop closed at ten or midnight. he’d turn up obnoxious music really loud and i’d sometimes help close. 

there was gabe and george, brother and sister in a family of people with names starting with the letter g. george was tiny and cute and either very drunk or very hyper from coffee at all times. gabe was a nerd who was usually quiet but loved to play scrabble, and we’d take the board inside sometimes and battle one another. he was much better than me, i won’t lie. liz and ever were both writers who would play with us sometimes. ever had changed her name at some point (to ever; any name she had before is irrelevant) and when we met she explained the meaning of her new name, which i won’t give because damn it’s very google-able. 

she was a so fascinating to me, always talking about some feminist theory or philosopher, and i always felt so smart when we’d hang out. like a Serious Thoughtful Adult and not a kid. and liz was less serious but no less smart. she played scrabble a lot more and for a while we got pretty close. she took me out after coffee sometimes to a shitty bar with pool tables and tried to teach me how to play pool. she had her own cue and even though she was like 5′2″ she could break like nobody’s business. i never figured out how to do that part. 

alex would come with us sometimes. he was tall and handsome and rode a motorcycle, and was the first openly bi guy i ever met. one time he invited me over to his house and we laid around listening to the smiths and talking. he burned me a copy of their greatest hits that i still have, all scratched up so it probably doesn’t play anymore. he crashed his bike more than once driving drunk. dumb fuckin kid. now he repairs coffee machines and sails, i think. life is funny. 

a few other people ran in groups. meg and waide and the aforementioned jason and ardyce. some people called meg “big megan” and another megan (her family was really wealthy, rich southern politicians who knew the clintons and have a mention in sweet home alabama--the song, not the movie) was “little megan” because she was still in high school. i joked that i was medium megan, but the whole thing was awkward because big megan was fat and i was small fat and little megan was skinny. i’m gonna blame it on thoughtless dudes, but who the fuck knows? we all pretended not to mind it anyway. 

waide ended up being a connection with other people who i met later. my hometown is weird in that it’s actually a pretty big part of the southern punk scene, so a lot of punks i meet have spent time there, and anyone over a certain age probably spent time at the bar waide worked at (the stone lion, and then maybe also the pickle barrel) so he’s one of those people who i’ll end up mentioning even though we haven’t spoken in years. 

at some point a kid named ory showed up. i think he was 16 when he started coming around, and i used to call him puppy because he was excitable and silly, full of energy one minute and then mopey crashing the next. like a lot of people there he drank a lot and would be fucked up sometimes and make dumb choices. i always wanted to protect him. when i was 22 (and he was 19, i think) we ended up sitting together at the second lotr movie and having some kind of weird chemistry. that summer i drove him home one night and we had a super heavy make out with lots of clothed grinding. honestly the furthest i’ve ever gone with a cis straight(ish, he hooked up with a couple dudes but idk if he’d say he’s bi) dude and it was awkward in that we never talked about it? and then he came to visit me a couple years later in new york because he was in the navy, and he got super drunk and passed out on my couch and was a mess because he literally never stopped being a puppy. 

he’s fucked up now, fully cancelled bc he said shit about girls rock camp (really dude?) and also probably cheated on his wife on their honeymoon? idk, it was fb rumors and then he deleted. but i’d believe it, honestly. 

and then there were all these absolutely random downtown characters: dirty mark (a crusty punk who was drunk or high most of the time) and shirtless dave (yeah he really didn’t wear a shirt that much) usually came as a pair. sometimes dave hung out with a guy my friends and i called blue hair. he once hit on my friend and she panicked and gave him my number instead of hers because her brain didn’t make up a fake number fast enough. 

there was sandy the flower man, who just passed away a couple weeks ago. he’d get flowers from local florists and go around on his bike, stopping into the coffee shop or to bars with roses and carnations and daisies. people gave him money usually, but sometimes he’d just hand you a flower because he wanted to. i saw a picture from a memorial and there was a portrait of him that was sat on top of his bicycle, all of it surrounded with flowers on flowers. so pretty. it’s what he deserved. 

things changed around 2005 or so, i think. by that time, all the old baristas had left and the kids who came in were all weirdly religious and went to the christian college on the mountain. they made shitty coffee and sometimes played xtian rock and most of the old regulars couldn’t take it anymore. ian got sick around that time, too, and ended up selling the place. they stopped carrying much tea, if any. 

but they finally sold the space and moved in like 2015. i remember the first time i drove by and didn’t see the lights on inside. it felt like seeing a friend from grade school all grown up, maybe the kid you had a crush on but they have a family now and you don’t think they’d recognize you at all so you just have to walk away. gone. 

fuck this post is long as shit, i’m sorry for anyone on mobile. but damn it was good to get my memories out. 

[reifromrfa]

Hi~ I have found your blog a few weeks ago and I didn't know how to write a request -_- And I was wondering if I could request RFA+minor trio dealing with MC on sugar rush ? Love your blog :3

Aww thank you! 😃  This was so fun to write, thank you for requesting it!!! 😀  I hope you like it! 😀

Yoosung

He’ll probably eat all those candies with you tbh ;;;

And then you’ll both be on a sugar rush ;;;

Super intense pillow fights!!!

You knock him back too hard and he falls off the bed but instead of getting worried, you both just laugh at loud

Omg you guys just cannot stay still

The most intense Tekken fights ever

With both of you mashing the buttons intensely while screaming and laughing and jumping up and down

Prank calls everywhere

“Hello?”

“HI JUMIN HI HYUNG HELLOHELLOFJAKLFL;AKDJFDWAITYOOSUNG I WANTED TO SAY HI I THINK HE HEARD YOU MC"

Jumin has to hold the phone away from his ear, you two are shouting so loud and stumbling over your words ;;;

And then you both come down from your sugar high

You guys end up in bed, beyond tired with headaches

But you cuddle against each other and manage to smile at each other before calling it a day

Of course, you guys would totally forget how worse you felt when you crashed and would most likely go on another sugar rush

“Hello?”

“ZEN HI ZEN HELLO RAINBOW UNICORN I’M A UNICORN TOO”

“CUT IT OUT YOU TWO!!! STOP EATING CANDY AND STOP BOTHERING ME!!!“

Zen

He’s rushing home from work because it’s movie night and he doesn’t want to keep his princess waiting

When he opens the door though you suddenly jump into his arms and shower him with kisses

“Whoa, babe~”

“Did you miss me that much?”

You would tell him about your day (in fast forward, because your brain was in super speed and your mouth had trouble keeping up at some point ;;;)

Zen sees the pile of chocolate wrappers in the trash can and a light bulb goes off in his head

He makes the popcorn with you but you couldn’t stay still for so long so you start singing the song from the musical he was working on

Omg his heart is melting because you knew all the lyrics and omg he loves your voice so much

He sings with you and you two do the actions and dance moves as well

Only you do an overly exaggerated version of everything because you’re so hyper

And he would laugh and melt on the spot because his girlfriend is so cute and adorable and PERFECT

When the movie starts, you made commentaries on everything and he would comment with you

He’s so happy to see you so excited and bubbly and happy and goddammit you’re so adorable he loves you so much and he would do anything to make you happy

When you start to get quiet though, he just smiles and pulls you closer, letting you lay your head on his shoulder

You manage to fall asleep right before the big finale and Zen carries you to bed and tucks you in

He makes a note to buy less chocolates because he doesn’t want you to eat too much and crash too often, but once in a while he’ll let you binge on sweets and he always makes sure he’s there to take care of you when you crash

Jumin

He comes home and is surprised to see you running around the house with Elizabeth the 3rd

Party music is blaring from his surround sound and his house is a mess

Did his eye just twitch?

But as he watches you, he’s fascinated at your energy and he can’t help but smile

Then he notices the gift basket someone gave him and it looks as though you ate all the chocolates ;;;

But as you’re dancing and singing at the top of your lungs you notice him watching you from the doorway and your husband’s smiling at you

And you reach out your hand to him and he grabs your hand

He was not prepared for what happened next

You started dancing with him but not “proper” dancing noooo you were banging your head and gyrating against him and jumping around omg what kind of dancing is this where did you learn this???

“Jumin, loosen up!!!”

;;; MC i can’t dance like that ;;;

He can think of another activity he’d like to do with you while you’re hyper though…

He sets up his Zetbox and turns on Just Dance (ofc it’s Just Dance, what were you thinking? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

You kill him with perfect dance moves of course, and you laugh as he tries to dance in his suit

But he’s having so much fun with you; he never knew you were a great dancer but of course his wife would be good at everything

When you crash, he notices and picks you up in his arms and carries you to bed

Zen you’re not the only one who works out

And he would tuck you in and make sure you’re comfortable before turning in beside you

You’re more cuddly when you’re tired and he absolutely loves it

Of course he’d rather you not eat too much sweets but if you really want to, he’d ask you to have regular check-ups to the doctor, nutritionist and dentist; your health is still is top priority

Saeyoung

His fridge is stocked with Ph.D Pepper

So it was no surprise when you get a sugar rush from drinking too much ;;;

Saeyoung is finishing something for the agency but you just can’t stay still!

You reload your water gun and sneak up behind him

He’s surprised when you pull back his chair and he tilts backward, eyes wide and Honey Buddha Chips flying everywhere

“MC!!!!”

And then you’re spraying his face with water

IT.

IS.

ON.

Saeyoung is definitely set on vengeance but you’re so hyper that he can’t even get a clear shot; he misses you by inches but you manage to hit him every single time

Seriously this boy is so in-love with you right now

Even Vanderwood is impressed with your accuracy

Well, until he sees the mess you two made ;;;

“OY YOU TWO BETTER CLEAN THIDNDKALALSHLWLA” Oops he slipped on a puddle  ☜(˚▽˚)☞

Even Saeran joins in the fun! But that’s because Saeyoung missed you and hit Saeran instead ;;;

You can’t stop laughing hysterically and Saeyoung laughs along with you because he just loves seeing you so happy

Of course he also feels guilty because he knows you’ll feel terrible in a while

And then in the middle of the water fight, you slip and fall on the ground

“MC! Are you alright?” Saeyoung rushes to you…but you’re still laughing

Although you can’t get up anymore because your eyelids have gotten really heavy

And he lifts you to the bed despite your protests

“Saeyoung I can still walk”

“No MC you can’t pressure yourself to walk after your crash! It’s bad for your teeth!”

WTF does that have to do with this???

He’s very goofy but he’s very caring and he makes sure you rest up

Also makes sure to stock up on water ;;;

V

Jumin hired him to do a photoshoot for his new confectionery store

And you decided to go with him

And of course you’re practically drooling at all the sweets in the store so Jaehee offers you samples

Of everything

Oh my God worse idea ever

You start feeling restless as V takes the shoot and you end up popping more candy into your mouth

And then you’re chatting up Jaehee nonstop

And when she had to do something you chat up Jumin and start joking around with him

You’re so hyper that everything he says seems funny and you laugh a little louder than usual

Which catches V’s attention

When he sees you laughing around with Jumin and talk animatedly with him, he gets a bit jealous but pushes it away because a. Jumin is his best friend and would never hurt him and b. he loves you and trusts you

Of course he still kind of wishes you would be that animated with him too

When the shoot is done you finally run up to V and kiss him on the cheek and start telling him how cool he is and how wonderful the photos turned out and he’s smiling because he’s never seen you this excited and happy

And you’re stumbling over your words but he’s just smiling at you, loving how adorable you are

On the way home you fall asleep in the car ride but he would just lean over and kiss your cheek as you sleep, having found out that you tasted every sweet that the shop offered

Would probably wait in the car with you even when you reach home because he doesn’t want to wake you up this cutie

Saeran

This guy loves ice cream

But he never gets sugar rushes

Unlike you ;;;

You tried to match his ability to eat loads of ice creams in a day and whew boy, he’s not ready for what happens next

You suddenly jump on Saeran’s back and cling to him as you’re on your date

;;; “MC get off my back!”

“Noooo I want to stay here, Saeran~”

Extra cute and hyper MC makes him turn red

You stay on his back and point to the places you want to go and he mutters complaints about how heavy you are but deep down he enjoys carrying you around

At some point though, you climb down his back and start running towards the sea

“MC! The beach is too far, we can’t walk all the way there!” ;;;

As if you were listening ;;;

He brings you to a place overlooking the sea and you both watch as the sun sets

And he glances at you to see a peaceful, lazy grin on your face

“I think all the sugar is gone now.”

“Good. Come on. Let’s go home.”

He’d hold your hand as you follow him sluggishly and he kneels down and offers his back again

You guys end up calling Saeyoung to pick you up though because Saeran’s also tired :)))

Vanderwood

You’re on a date and Vanderwood makes the mistake of buying you a banana split ice cream

Which you eat by yourself because he doesn’t like sweets that much

And he didn’t know it was going to be MASSIVE but you tell him you can handle it

He didn’t expect you to get a sugar rush ;;;

Oh dear God no

It’s like being with a female version of Saeyoung

You’re so hyper and you’re all over the place

He’s tired just by looking at you running down the street

Worse, you drag him along with you, pointing at all the shops and dragging him inside, only to run out again because you could not stay still

And oh my God you just said 4 words in a second like wtf

He cannot keep up with you ;;; Seriously, this secret agent is exhausted ;;; This is more exhausting than fighting off a dozen skilled men

“MC, for the love of God, let’s go home.”

But then as you’re heading to his car, you crash

And he notices that your energy level dropped from 500 to 20

“You shouldn’t have finished that whole ice cream by yourself,” he would tell you repeatedly

Yeah yeah, Mary Vanderwood the 3rd

But this man seriously cares about you

He isn’t very showy but he can’t let his lady walk all the way to the car like this

So he would carry you in his arms the rest of the way, his exhaustion forgotten

He thought you were too tired to notice, but you don’t miss the slight blush on his cheeks or the way he looked at you —like you were the only thing that mattered to him in this world

Check out my other Mysme writings here!

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[mainjane-blog]

It’s May You Guys

Ah,the ups and downs of (quarantine) life. Things are getting easier, well not totally, I mean come on I have 3 BOYS. I am telling you the amount of pee, spit, fights, and getting flashed, it’s never a dull day. But, this week was good, and I am not saying it was perfect, but I reveled in all the small wonderful moments I had. 

I want to be my best self. This doesn't mean traveling,the most money, or popularity. It means you are happy with the way your life is going. Am I giving my best to my kids? My family? My husband? My relationships? Self care? When I complain or in a rough spot. I think why me? But where does this entitlement come from? Why do I keep looking to the future, without working hard to achieve it? If I want something, If I want my kids to listen to me. If I want my husband to read my mind. If I want to be filthy rich in my mansion. Will that make me happy?  Was I my best self with my husband? Was I snippy with my kids? Have you reached out? I start my day with these affirmations and thought process, and days become a bit easier. From ok my knee landed on a Lego, this fucking sucks, it happened, move on. AJ running away again, when our schooling starts. Ashton not going to bed till midnight and then 10pm the next two nights. Aidan running off to the street and not listening. 

But what is this? I still had a good day? I'm not getting stuck or angry on the hard parts of the day. It takes a moment. Takes an effort of my brain to switch perspective. 

We currently have one thing on our side during this quarantine, time. Some are starting a new hobby, exercising, or some, which is me, is just trying to improve my mindset and outlook on my life. Taking in the little moments, either from my husband, my kids, my friends, my family, a stranger, a feeling, a great show or movie, your favorite song, the outfit and makeup look that makes you say to yourself how you doin? Have more discussions, letting things slide off my back more, go with the flow, making plans, and to just keep going. Complaining, It makes you feel heard, it's a start, it's how we recognize our unhappiness with something that is happening in our lives. Everything worth having, or to keep what you do have, takes work.

 Here are some great moments I am thankful for from this week:

Aidan puts the hospital monitor toy on me to check my skin. It beeps. He says it’s not good, you are eating too much food. Anthony finding AJ’s Super Mario Odyssey amobi! (Sp?)It was lost for 2 days. His idea to check AJ’s pants pocket in the laundry. Anthony said for me to take the credit. Thank you our Saint Anthony. Slow dancing with Ant in the kitchen. He played St.Augustine by Band of Horses , in honor of finding the amobi. Ashton and Aidan then want to cut in and join. We then put on the theme song to Jurassic park (we sing this song to Aidan when he goes to bed). Aidan laid on my chest and had a deep to his core happiness. And Ash on his dad.  Also the dance hit Roses. For your kitchen twerking needs. My boss and mentor doing a kind act for me. Surprising Anthony more downstairs while working to make his day better. Either by food or me in a robe sans clothing. My custom double cheeseburger from Burger King. And getting home, kids eat their food downstairs to watch Noggin. I get to eat this weirdly delicious upped their game burger. Vegged out to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I got intrigued by the whole dinner party scene. Especially Denise Richards’ husband, talking about fusion energy, how he couldn’t really talk much about it since big pharma is listening, but what he could say ,diseases aren’t what they seem and mentioned cancer. This fascinated me. My bonding chat with Ash, ( negotiations with a terrorist, to go to sleep. )Finally got in his crib and giving a pep talk that he can do it. He gives me a kiss on the lips and the palm of my hand. Ashton not going down for bed, it was almost 10pm. I come out after putting him down, I walk down the hall. my husband says” wow you’re so beautiful, I don’t deserve you.” Growing and bonding talk with AJ. Him telling me his feelings and I take note on how I can be a better mom to him. He told me on the beach today, he loves our chats. Anthony, AJ, and I watch old home videos. Of when he was little. Felt the speediness of time. Anthony twerking to the rap song playing on the tv. (It was litty) Watching the amazingly done show by Mindy Kaling, Never Have I Ever, Anthony loves it just as much as me. He says watch another one? I check and it’s 11:36pm. Anthony and I discuss our affirmations which was Accountability. I was excited nervous to share mine. ( it’s scary to be vulnerable) We both opened up and I cried because it was so nice. Finally get to check my phone this morning. Group text with Ant and my 2 other favorite people Steve and Audra. They make my day with a morning joke and compliment. They are the funniest and coolest people you will ever meet. Zooming with my in laws( we need to do this more), they make me laugh till I pee. I see why Anthony is so funny. My little brother Michael (in law) and Megan announce their wedding will be in Tennessee next spring.

A lovely wine date with my dear friend Amber on my deck on a beautiful day. 

Ashton falling asleep on the couch with his hand in a huge Cheetos bag.

All the hugs and kisses from the boys I love.

Oh and my husband doing a model photo shoot for me, when I feel and look good. 

Thank you for these great moments life. The days were a bit longer because of the rain but these few moments make me incredibly lucky. Do something kind with each person in your home, And have more great moments with my family. Enjoy the bubble of your world, Jane. My good day starts with me.

[lubdubsworld]

Tumblr prompt ( Jimin / OC)

Read Part 1 Here

Since i got a lot of requests for a part 2 on this one. This isn’t exactly a part two but a sort of a backdrop. i would probably continue this because it’s fun to write , i guess? 

Genre : Heavy Angst \ Romance

Warnings : Dubious Consent, Domestic Violence, Emotional Manipulation.

Pairing : Park Jimin/ OC

Request fic : An abusive marriage drabble with Jimin .

Rating : 19+

Part 2 : How We Met . 

I first met Jimin when i was eighteen years old. He was twenty three at the time, already one of the biggest stars in the country. His band BTS had won the BBMA, Daesangs, were generally acknowledged as the Kings of Kpop. I’d always had a crush on him, been one of those embarassing fangirls who sleep with photocards in the pillow covers. I had always been drawn to Jimin out of all seven of them, simply because he had seemed like such a very kind person.

And i hadn’t met a lot of those in my life. I wasn’t exactly very poor but my family had always struggled, as far as I knew. My mother ran a massage parlor in one of the seedier places in Seoul, and I knew that she did far more than just give ‘ massages’. Especially when she stuffed a 5000 Won note into my sister’s hand and told the both of us to stay out for a few hours.

When i was twelve, my mother let me know that I wasn’t really of any use to her.

“Your sister is beautiful. Like me. You take after your father. You’re too thin. No body at all. How will you help me with the business if you look like this. Go find a part time job where looks don’t matter.”

It was the first time i realized i wasn’t beautiful. Which was funny because i’d always been called pretty by the men who visited my mother. But her words made me curl in on myself and cry for days. It was like i didn’t magtter. Like I was an invisble person who had no value whatsoever, simply because i wasn’t beautiful enough to matter. 

When i was fifteen, I took up a job waitressing. it was another nail to my coffin. No one sees a waitress. We might as well be invisible. i had no one to talk to. No one willing enough to listen. i went on for days on end , not using my voice for anything except the generic, “ What would you like to have” , “ Was the meal okay “ and “ Please Eat well.” 

When I was sixteen , the clients to my mother’s shop began to dwindle.  My mother was becoming older and while my sister did help her, she was still underage. Which meant that there were some ‘ services’ she just couldn’t provide.  , i had to quit school because we could no longer afford to live on just part time jobs.

Times were tough and I clung to music, to help me get by. i started listening to a lot of music by different artists but Jimin’s voice always drew me in and made me drown. it felt like he too had been through a lot of pain as well. 

Like he knew what it was like to never be considered good enough. To always keep doubting yourself. And I felt , suddenly a little less alone. A little less lonely. i would replay little bits of his part in BTs songs, put them on loop, just to hear the emotions in his voice. I fell in love with him even then.Or maybe , i fell in love with my vision of him. the jimin in my head was kind and beautiful. He understood me. He listened to me. 

But it was all just one of those fantasies that helped me breathe . Nothing I ever thought would happen. Not even in my wildest dreams. 

But the restaurant i had started out at , had grown and I got a raise. they also started catering for huge parties and award shows and that meant that if i was lucky enough to be picked as a wait-staff, i could score free meals, as well a generous bonus.

It was in one of those parties that I first met Park Jimin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What the hell?! What did you just do, you incompetent little twit?!” The woman screamed at me and i flinched , horrified. I hadn’t technically done anything. She had been swinging her arms animatedly while talking to three of the BTS members and had accidentally knocked down the Champagne glasses that i’d been carrying on a tray.

The wine had spilled , splashing out of the cut glass flutes and dousing Park Jimin’s expensive shirt which probabaly cost more than my entire existence.i just stared at the rapidly spreading stain, not sure what to do and my brain shutting down completely because it was Park jimin.

The Park jimin of my dreams. The park jimin who was kind and angelic and who would rescue me from my hell hole of a life. 

My body just froze because i couldn’t think, talk or even blink. 

“it’s alright. “ He said very softly and his gaze was so kind, so soft and gentle. He gave me a reassuring smile and i realized how incredibly beautiful he was in real life. So much more perfect than all the photos I’d seen. So gorgeous. So handsome. 

A real life prince. 

I just gaped at him as he smiled back, casually grabbing some paper towels from another waiter and wiping up the stains. 

And he didn’t stop there. He actually gently took my hands in his wiping away the spilled liquid. I could only stare as he casually knelt on the floor, ignoring all the hushed murmurs around us and picked up the broken shards of the glass as well.

“Don’t hurt yourself...” He said softly and just like that i was lost. 

And later that night, when he cornered me near the kitchens and told me he wanted to take me out to dinner, i didn’t even think to wonder,

  why me? why would someone like Park Jimin want someone like me? 

At the time , i thought it was because he was my prince Charming. 

i still think he is. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t easy , of course dating an idol. But Jimin was strong and firm. He stood up to his agency, to his fans to everyone else who tried to break us apart. it was oddly fascinating, watching somone fighting  for  me and not just fighting me.

My mother hated him. 

“Da Som, he doesn’t seem like a nice man. i’ve met men like him. They only choose women they can control and bully. He thinks you’re easy to control. My baby, don’t believe him.”

i could only laugh at her delusional words. Jimin never even raised his voice to me! He bought me beautiful things. jewelry, dresses and pretty trinkets. But that wasn’t even the most improtant thing. He talked to me. He listened to me. He made me feel like the most important person in the world, whenever I was with him. 

I loved him.

“Don’t say that about him!” I yelled at her.

“Da som- just listen to me...”

‘You’re jealous! “ I spat out angrily. “ you’re just jealous that i no longer have to stay here with you and your pretty daughter. Are you ashamed mother?! You though unnie was the prettier one but Jimin certainly doesn’t think i’m ugly , does he? He could have any girl in the world! but he chose me!” 

My mother only stared sadly while i ranted at her. 

And i felt sad, and empty. Because my mother wasn’t happy for me. 

“She’s upset that you’re leaving her baby, that’s it. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you. You will never miss your mother. i’m your family now.” Jimin whispered that night, drawing me close and kissing my hair. 

I slept soundly. 

That was the last time i ever spoke to her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You are a virgin aren’t you?” 

I blushed as I brushed my hair, seated in front of the dresser of his apartment. 

“Uh.. yes.”

He looked relieved. Happy almost. 

“Good. Good...”

Why did it matter, i wondered. 

“Because I want to be the only one to ever have touched you. The first and the last.” He said softly, bending down to kiss my cheeks. “ We’ll wait of course. Till marriage. I want you to be pure till then. It wouldn’t be fair if you wore white when you aren’t pure, right baby?” He smiled. 

“Yes. “ I said, not really understanding, but too drugged from his touches and his scent to think too much about it. 

“Good. Good. I’m a really fair person, Da Som. I would never be cruel to you.  I think we should always be honest to each other. You’ll always be honest with me, right?” He smiled , stroking my hair gently. 

“I...I’ll never lie to you jimin.” i said, surprised that he even thought i would.

“I know baby. I know the moment I saw you that you were perfect for me. You need me , don’t you baby? Only i make you happy, right?”

“Yes.” 

“Good girl.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We got married a week later. 

The first year of my marriage was the best time of my life. I was a good wife. I made sure that everything was perfect, the way he wanted and he always treated me like i was the most precious thing in his life. 

When we celebrated our sixth month anniversary , everyone was envious of me. Jimin had booked an entire restaurant for us and he bought me a dozen expensive dresses. He also bought me a Diamon necklace, a cartier watch and what mattered the most was that he took the entire week off. We spent it in jeju Do, exploring the tiny island and when we weren’t exploring, we were in bed. Jimin taught me the millon different ways a man could make a woman feel good and i was dizzy with pleasure and riding high from his touches. 

i was still a little tired from our lovemaking, when jimin gave me a small smile, fingers lightly stroking the bare skin of my back. 

“Your hair is getting long. “ He said casually, gripping a lock of my thick hair. 

“Oh..i like it that way, though.” I smiled brightly and his smile faded alarmingly fast. 

“You’d look better with shorter hair.” He said shortly.

I blinked a bit, surprised at how upset he sounded. 

“Oh... You think so?” i said doubtfully. Touching my hair in confusion. I liked my long hair. i thought it was a special part of me. 

“Why? You think I’d lie to you?” His voice had taken a hard edge and I turned over, sitting up a bit.

“Jimin-”

“I work my ass off so you can have the best things in the world, why would i lie about what makes you look good?” He demanded and I could only stare, not at all sure what I’d said wrong or why he was mad. 

“Jimin, calm down...”

“Calm down?! You just called me a liar and you want me to calm down? Listen, do you think I’ve got nothing better to do than sit around here with you? But i’m here... you know why? Because I care about you. Because I love you. And if you loved me back, you wouldn’t doubt me!” He said angrily.

“I’m sorry... i’m sorry if I upset you...”

“Damn right you should be. ! I give you everything! Everything. How much of it do you actually deserve huh?” He scoffed. 

i looked down at my lap, tears stinging. i felt suddenly ashamed of myself. He was right. i hadn’t earned any of these luxuries. I only had them because jimin loved me. I’d been taking for granted, all the little things that jimin did for me. And now, I’d somehow hurt the man who had done nothing but good things for me. It was unforgivable. 

“I’m so sorry Jimin...” i whispered, reaching out for him and he knocked my hand away angrily. 

“Whatever.” He got out of bed and slipped on his clothes. “ i’m going for a walk now. I can’t even look at you right now.” 

He didn’t touch me again for the rest of the week. I begged and apologized and tried to make it up to him but he stayed unmoving, ignoring my tears and my apologies. 

i felt myself sinking into depression. 

It was like i was invisible again and I hated it. I went mad, i couldn’t eat and i couldn’t sleep. Food tasted like saw dust. I was dying inside my own skin and i wanted to claw out of my body. I hated myself for ruining things. Because I had, hadn’t i? 

I’d hurt Jimin and i’d ruined things for both of us. 

When we returned back, the first thing i did was find a salon. I got my hair cut short, just the way he wanted. 

When jimin came home that night, he smiled at me for the first time in days. 

“You’re so good for me, baby. i just want to be proud of you. If you listen to me, you can be a wife that I’d be proud of.” 

I nodded, the words not even registering. All that mattered was that he was touching me again. 

I wasn’t invisible anymore. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~