#brain-dysfunction chemicals

[ghostzzy]

rolling around in preexisting iwtv content as a way to soothe my create cursedwip content urges without actually having to create cursedwip

[godoftoads]

thursday morning executive dysfunction got me feeling like a caged animal. sitting on the couch acting normal but actually i feel like every cell in my body is turning itself inside out. i feel like one of those snakes who gets too hot and starts eating itself. i feel like there’s an electric eel in my stomach and it is so angry and pissed off. i feel like one of those cormorants with the ring around their neck so they can only swallow little pieces of fish at a time so they remain dependent on their owner.

[vamptastic]

i also just don't understand the neurochemical theory for ADHD i guess. i mean, as far as i can tell, stimulants have genuinely helped me a lot, especially with sensory overload and being able to activate focus at will more often. but they haven't changed the core part of me that just goes too fast, if that makes sense. when i was a kid, most of the adults around me were convinced that (and it sounds fucking stupid, sorry, i promise i am not making this up) i was like... so smart that i had excess neurons that fired so much it caused literally every symptom of ADHD you can imagine. sensory overload was because i had like, heightened senses and took in too much data, talking fast and on a train of thought was because i just thought faster than other people, stuff like that. it's definitely a lot better than being told i'm stupid and defective (though i got a fair bit of that too, depending on the adult), but pretty obviously pseudoscientific and also the reason i didn't get diagnosed till age 16 despite the extremely obvious flags i was throwing up. regardless, that explanation that my brain was simply structured differently, that i basically took in too much data too fast, always spoke to me a lot more than the idea that it's caused by my dopamine receptors only. i just don't generally link most of my symptoms to my emotions or adrenaline levels most of the time. certainly it plays a part, but the way i talk, the sensory stuff, and the way i learn and process new information seems to be largely unexplainable with dopamine levels.

[spilledkaleidoscope]

Activation Energy and Executive Dysfunction

A bunch of people (with executive dysfunction I assume) reacted a little disheartened to how I described the phenomenon.

The gist is that I used activation energy, a concept from chemistry, as a model for how executive dysfunction can keep you from doing things. Activation energy is the minimal energy that has to be available for any chemical reaction to occur and that amount is specific to every reaction.

Executive Dysfunction to me means, that this activation energy is always high, even for tasks other people experience as spontaneous reaction (yes the amount of ae and spontaneity of a reaction are not connected necessarily but bear with me here). A good example is showering or feeding yourself or sometimes getting up from the couch.

The tricky thing here is that the energy put into trying to reach activation energy is still *expended*, so while it might seem like nothing happens, you still get drained, making it harder to reach activation energy levels.

So what can we do?

In synthesis, if your activation energy is too high you basically can do two things: you either add a catalyst, or you find a different way to get to your result altogether.

The latter can be choosing a simpler recipe to feed yourself, graze on random items without making a meal until you are full or ordering food for example.

This is not always possible, but it *is* worth thinking about. An example from my life would be that I open my mail outside at the trash bins and immediately discard what I don't need because otherwise, I have paperstuff flying around my appartment that I don't get rid of.

"Weird" is not something that should factor in here. Make it functional and helpful.

The catalyst is my favourite solution however, and I can give you some tips here that you can *immediately* use. I won't know if they work for you, but they do for me (sometimes! be kind to yourself).

CATALYSTS AGAINST EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION

Have your tasks broken down: when you have energy, make sure that the thing on your to do list is something you can *actually* physically immediately do. Don't write "make reservation", but "call restaurant" along with the number. Not "clean kitchen" but "move dishes to sink" etc

Doorway Effect: The Doorway effect describes that silly thing that, when we cross a boundary, we sometimes feel like we've been soft reset ("what was I going to do?"). A hypothesis for why this happens can be that it helps our brain create separate contexts which then aids memory creation. What it can do for you is that it is an easy way to change context, which then frees you up to start something new more easily. Try it! Physically go through a doorway or open a different window on the computer, sometimes that is enough.

Costuming: Similar to the Doorway Effect, we are changing context in a low effort way here. Concentrate on putting on your shoes instead of taking out the trash or put on some rubber gloves if you plan on cleaning. Might be enough. Sometimes putting on mascara is enough for me to go "oh I am out of couch potato mode now"

Move! Put yourself where you need to be to tackle your task. That can already help.

Pressure: This can be done by setting a timer that will go off soon. Challenge yourself to get up and go before it rings - might stress you into inaction sometimes, but it can be helpful. I love visual timers for this as it helps with my time blindness

Prepare! If you are in a state of flow and have energy to spare *use it*. This includes breaking down your task as already described but also preparing your space - this can be a cleaned up desk or a caddy with cleaning supplies in a prominent spot.

And my absolute favorite: Throw a dice. When it is really bad, one thing I can always do is throw a dice (via an app, typing "d20" into the search bar or physically having one on me - which I usually do now). I tell myself that if I "make the roll" I get up and do it and if I don't, I try again in 20 minutes. This changes context easily, removes responsibility from me and makes the whole thing playful. I usually go with a d20 and tell myself to get going with a result over 10. If I have a particularly bad day I might need 15+ to do something. Just try it.

In short, what we are trying to do is

minimize friction by frontloading as much thinking and preparing as we can

make a context change as easy and small as possible

And remember: the goal is never to Always Be Doing Something.

[transmutationisms]

this is probably shaped by my limited frame of reference, but im really fascinated by witnessing the real-time development of adhd as a diagnosis. people attribute so many symptoms to it now or maybe they always did? i was wondering if you have any thoughts on what is the use of adhd specifically as a category within psychiatry. I'm esl so sorry for any confusing wording

no you're right imo; diagnostic categories are always somewhat in flux ofc but ADHD is one that has seen a particularly pronounced shift in the last couple decades. obviously this is multifactorial but my observation goes something along these lines:

'hyperactivity' has been dx'd in children since about the 1950s (also when Ritalin hit the market) but the ADHD dx doesn't really take off until the 90s (also when Adderall, a 2nd-gen reformulation of the 'obesity' drug Obetrol, hit the market). so, it's not all that surprising that 20 years later you see increased patient awareness of the diagnosis, increased popular interest in it, and shifting / expanding ideas of what it means and what ADHD 'is'. it's a relatively young dx.

part of the reason it's young is because it's basically a 'biopsychiatric' dx, meaning it diagnoses certain behaviours as being a 'brain problem' rather than having social causes or context. in practice this is complicated because psychs do use pharmacological approaches in conjunction with psychodynamic ones all the time; nevertheless, the central promise of DSM ADHD and its pharmaceutical treatments has consistently been that the ADHD subject has a physiological, neurological disorder / dysfunction / aberration, and that the drug treatments on the market fix it. that none of this is actually empirically supported is conceptually inconvenient and entrenched by the research process.

the biopsychiatric narrative is worth paying attention to because the context here is one in which it has become commonly accepted that behavioural 'disorders' and affective distress of various kinds can be, basically, either of pure biological origin, or else Your Fault. in the case of childhood hyperactivity, Your Fault historically also included Your Mother's Fault; part of the reason many mothers embraced Ritalin in the 50s and 60s was because the proffered pharmaceutical narrative explicitly challenged the idea that these mothers had done something 'wrong' to result in their (mostly) sons exhibiting disruptive and hyperactive behaviour.

this dichotomy of biology vs personal failing is very overtly present in quite a bit of discourse around ADHD today. if it's my brain being 'wrong' or different, then it's not something I've done wrong but a disease with a simple chemical fix. in this context I don't think it's surprising at all that a lot of popular and patient conceptions of ADHD have seen a considerable widening over the past few decades. often people like to blame this on pharmaceutical companies, and it's true that industry benefits from these discourses and frequently invests in them (eg, via instruments like ADDitude mag). however, that's a pretty simplistic explanation on its own and doesn't really account for the ways in which patients and potential patients also find this diagnostic category personally useful, for reasons ranging from identity-formation to the desire to access prescription amphetamines. ADHD increasingly shows up as a biologised explanation for behaviours ranging from 'eating too many sweets' to 'postural sway' and so on. you can see in such examples how invoking the idea of an aberrant ADHD brain is both reassuring to people who have been made to feel ashamed of certain behaviours, and provides a sense of shared identity and community with others.

all of this is to say: I don't find it surprising at all when I see a relative broadening of notions of ADHD, almost always expressed in biological terms (the 'ADHD brain' operates differently, 'seeks dopamine', causes this or that). ADHD is in some ways a particularly blatant distillation of this general trend in popular psychiatric discourses, for reasons relating to expectations about childhood and child behaviour, and the historical and present relationship between the ADHD label and the regulation of amphetamines. but much of what's happening with ADHD in terms of popular discourses about it can also be seen with many, many other psychiatric diagnoses, to varying extents and in various ways.

my experience writing about ADHD on this website leads me to close by explicitly stating the following: I do not think any ADHD behaviours / symptoms are people's 'fault' or an individual failing; I do not think using drugs for any reason is morally bad or needs to be justified; the fact that I do not think ADHD is a 'brain disease' does not mean I think people are 'making it up' or exaggerating wrt any difficulties they experience personally, professionally, emotionally, &c.

[seasickzig]

Executive dysfunction caused by Autism makes me so mad.

People always talk about it with ADHD, and I always hear people being grateful that their executive dysfunction is fixed with meds.

I cannot be fixed.

And executive dysfunction isn’t just the “Go go chemical” that allows you to get started/follow through on projects, it also impacts your ability to organize thoughts, make plans, prioritize tasks, manage time, and make decisions.

I cannot get out of bed. It has been four hours since I woke up. Meds will not fix this.

I cannot do chores. I must be prompted. Meds will not fix this.

I cannot make plans. I’m autistic and NEED plans, but I can’t make them. Meds will not fix this.

I cannot think straight. Every thought echoes in my head with no conclusion. Meds will not fix this.

I cannot make decisions. People ask me things and my brain goes blank. Meds will not fix this.

I cannot do anything for myself. Executive dysfunction has stolen control from me. Meds will not fix this.

[adventuringblind]

Medication Mishaps

Landoscar x Reader

Genre: Fluff and Crack

Summary: When a mix-up in meds leaves her without any, Lando and Oscar are there to her navigate without them.

Warnings:

Notes: for @norizznorris. Sorry I don't do male readers! Regardless, I hope this is what you wanted! :)

Side Note: This one made me laugh the entire time while writing it. My fiancé is unmedicated and very high on the ADHD spectrum. Every day is an adventure!

Masterlist // Request Form // My Website // buy me a Ko-Fi

Ah, the joys of being neurodivergent. When somehow the world is to much and simultaneously to little. When the nagging impulsive thoughts and continues need for caffeine aren't enough, then the interests that lay dormant for years come back swinging; upset they've been neglected for so long.

Medication helps. Which - of course it does - it's engineered brain chemicals in the form of a chalky pill designed to help someone function in a world where only one kind of brain is excepted. It's better than it was, the world has come further in recent years.

yet here she is, taking her last pill from the bottle. A little piece in her cries knowing she'll have to go pick up her new meds today. The pharmacy feels like to much and she'd rather lay in bed and give into the executive dysfunction. Then she remembers she's flying with Lando and Oscar to their race tomorrow.

With that thought in mind, she groans and hauls herself out of bed. The boys are doing factory work today and won't be back until later. Plenty of time to come home and waste away the hours in bed and pray her energy comes back.

~~~~~

She lied to herself earlier. Any optimism for the day has just disappeared.

"What do you mean you don't have my meds?"

"There was a mix-up with the orders, but we'll have them in a few days." The pharmacist gives her a sheepish smile.

She just sighs and turns on the balls of her feet. How she's going to tell her boys, she has no idea yet. The insecurity of them not wanting her around the paddock because of in burns in the back of her mind.

She still has today at least. Maybe she'll just ride it out and not tell them.

That plan fails miserably the second they walk into the flat. The sight of her visibly distressed on the couch alerts them that something is wrong.

The sit down on either side of her. The question trying to escape their mouths. She beats them to it. "There was a mix-up with my meds. I won't have them until after we get back."

"And we'll help you manage, yeah? You'd do the same for us."

"Lan... she has done the same for you, like, daily."

"Rude!"

~~~~~

Sometimes, she's convinced she lives on a different planet entirely. Like the brain and body she has are simply not meant to be here and there must have been a mistake with the storks.

Lando hands her a Redbull, courtesy of Max since he has to many. "I figured this might help?" Seeing as she nearly just threw hands with whoever was chewing unnecessarily loudly, caffeine might help.

She looks at Lando and Oscar, between the three of them, there are seven drinks. Only one of which is the Aussie's. "Oscar is being boring again."

the man in question huffs. "Water is good for you."

"But it's wretched to taste sometimes."

Lando nods at her in agreement. "See Oscar, boring."

"Nothing is ever boring with you two."

~~~~~

The beginning wasn't bad. Not like it is right now with her brain only wanting to do one specific things, she hasn't remember to eat since early this morning, and the tag on her shirt makes her want to pull her skin off.

Oscar looks at her curled up in his drivers room with a horrendous amount of care and sympathy. He slots in next to her and leans his head against the wall. "Hard day?"

"I need like - five pounds of dino nuggies and a nap."

"Anything I can do to help right now? We'll work on food when Lando is done."

She curls up in Oscar's lap like a cat. The lack of regulated sleep finally catching up to her. She's on the verge of sleep when Lando busts through the door yelling about something.

She throws a pillow at him in annoyance. "You owe me food."

Lando pauses. "That sounds brilliant."

Oscar shakes his head in defeat later that night as Lando gradually sneaks food off her plate and pretends they can't see him. If he's not caught then it didn't happen and Jon can't get mad at him.

~~~~~

She hasn't stopped talking with Lando for the last two hours. What exactly they've been going on about, she has no idea at this point. Their original conversation led to rabbit trails and other distractions that got in the way. The original story now long forgotten as they discuss the possibilities for new shoes.

Her phone dings, an automated message alerting her to her refilled meds. She shows Lando in excitement. The joys of functioning like a human again are nearly in her grasp.

Lando and Oscar both look at her in amusement. The latter has been using their conversation as an excuse to read. He sets his book down, a look she hasn't seen before crossing his features.

"Have you ever thought what it would be like if you didn't have to take meds?"

Lando shoots him a nasty glare. "Oi, she can't help-"

"Not what I meant." The Aussie crashes onto the bed with them, book now tucked away. "I just mean that having a different kind of brain shouldn't be such a difficult thing for the world to cope with. But the second someone is different-" He looks at Lando. "-Like they struggle with reading or processing information." Then he turns to her. "Or they struggle to with focusing and sensory things. They are ready to create some kind of fix to make those brains work like theirs." The genuine concern and sadness from him is almost heartbreaking.

"In a perfect world, yes. For now though, I think me and Lando can both settle for having someone who cares as much as you do."

"Just wish I could do more."

Lando hums and, quite literally, rolls over onto Oscar. "Just like our best is enough, so is yours."

"However, if the world could provide me with free drinks, I wouldn't be complaining."

Oscar chuckles and drags her closer despite Lando's weight on him. "I'll make a note of it for when I become ruler of the world."

"You never said you were planning that!"

"It's been my secret plan this whole time."

"... It's always the quiet ones."

[headpainmigraine]

Chronic migraine isn't a headache

I feel like, when we say 'a migraine is not a headache', people think 'it's not just a headache, it's also nausea and vomiting and being groggy' but it's not even that.

Migraine is not a headache, in that you don't have to have a headache to have migraines.

Not that I blame anyone - if you Google 'What is a migraine?', the NHS, Mayo clinic, etc, will always tell you 'migraine is a headache…' with additional add-ons.

Doctors get an entire 4 hours of medical training on 'headache' in their entire 7 years of education. Of course 'migraine is a headache' will be trotted out - headache is the most common symptom, and the one that bothers people the most.

It's understandable, but wrong.

Check out what you get from places with a migraine speciality, like the migraine trust and the national migraine centre:

'Migraine is a disorder of the brain where the nerves become over-stimulated and cause a cascade of chemicals to be released'

'Migraine brains' are easily overstimulated in response to sensory input (light, sounds, movement, smells, etc), of which headache is a product. Also nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to stimuli, vestibular dysfunction, sometimes stroke-like symptoms.

If that sounds a little like a neurodivergency to you, then yeah, it is.

Migraine is not 'a bad headache' and if you're getting them chronically, you should think about seeing a doctor* (or asking them for a referral to a headache doctor, or at least a neurologist)

'Chronic' Migraine is defined by:

at least 15 headache days a month

with 8 having migraine symptoms

for at least 3 months

(IF YOU HAVE CHRONIC MIGRAINE, YOU ALSO HAVE CHRONIC PAIN)

Otherwise it's 'episodic migraine' (although recent research indicates this defintion might be changing to be less restrictive, based on impact on the individual)

Migraine can become worse and less responsive to treatment the longer they go without treatment, so it's always worth seeing a doctor*, even if you're not having enough to be considered chronic.

Just as you can have migraines without headache, you can also have headaches without migraines that still require treatment. There's a whole host of differential diagnosis for migraine, from tension headache to cluster headache, idiopathic intracranial hypertension, hypertension, sinus disorders, trigeminal neuralgia, and on and on.

NB: Chiari malformations can also mimic migraines sometimes, by causing symptoms that come along with migraines, like neck pain, unsteadiness, dizziness, etc.

Migraines 'not just a headache'? Migraines aren't even a headache.

*usual caveat on seeing doctors; yeah, they cost money (in the US and/or privately elsewhere), long waiting lists, a lot of them A LOT OF THEM are incompetent, YMMV, but it's worth it for migraines.

[bloodbruise]

wednesday snippet

thank you for the tags lovely mar @messymoony and chris @godsofwoes !!! writing has been a challenge this week, but i dug through my drafts to give u guys some random rosekiller mush <33

He's glancing over at Evan, and this, he thinks, this is the moment. The stage light bathes half his face, casting his skin a pretty lilac hue. And god. Evan's bopping his head to the music, a gentle smile playing on his lips. He's not even doing anything particularly special. Still, Barty can’t help but feel bested. Played at his own game. His heart has turned to mush, slipping down, down, down before he could even realize it. Too distracted looking the other way, and by the time he does—realize, that is—it's too far out of his reach. His heart has gone and attached itself to Evan. Parasitic, he thinks. Heart parasitic and feeding off Evan’s bright and his mirth his good. Evan can’t fix his problems, Barty knows that. It’s chemical, he briefly hears echoes of doctors discussing something about receptors and dysfunctional neurotransmitters. Which—fitting, for Barty. That not even the fucking chemicals in his brain could work properly. But he can’t help but think it would be nice—to have Evan. For him to be there when Barty is too listless to get out of bed. To have him be the first tinglings of feeling once the depression-induced, full-body novocaine shot starts to wear off. His stomach feels funny, like all his insides were scooped out and replaced with Sprite. Bubbling, sparking, and—yeah, maybe it’s not the most romantic metaphor, but he thinks it fits. It fits them. 

np tags: @fromagony @bellaxisworld @ecstarry

[billcipherisntreal]

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[deluxewhump]

Cam, Alex, Zee: Guilt Rituals

CW: BBU, frat house, bloody nose, marijuana and nicotine, alcoholism mentioned, abuse mentioned, dysfunctional family dynamics mention, multiple whumper household, non sexual intimacy, Cam feels feelings, Alex and Zee do asmr

*Takes place back in the house, Alex’s senior year, Cam’s junior year.

Cameron was smoking less lately, but not out of some noble quest for sobriety. He was actually more convinced than ever that life would be completely unbearable without some sort of chemical buffer.

But there was a huge creeping problem with weed, and it was introspection. He’d switched to another strain, but the problem remained. Every time he’d get high, what should have been a quieter plane of existence slightly above the trench warfare that was his junior year of college turned into a nightmarish mano a mano with himself.

Alcohol was out of the question still. Having an alcoholic parent will ruin certain things for you, most commonly alcohol. He watched his peers get gloriously drunk every weekend with no introspection whatsoever, just shameless extroverted bad behavior, but couldn’t bring himself to touch the stuff. The smell alone made him curdle with disgust. And if he went into it feeling such contempt, such hate, it was surely not going to go anywhere he wanted it to.

But even with weed now, he felt wave after wave of highly specific guilt, overblown and looming beside him like a parade float. It would start with how things ended with his dad, never to be reconciled in death, then bleed into the way he’d treated his mom when she actually reached out to him. Eventually it would spread like the veins of a river delta into all the shit with the boxboy, and Alex, and Dominic.

He could get a hold of himself enough to say fuck Alex and Dominic, for sure, but the guilt about Z2 grew stronger every time, until the pathways in his brain that go to the dank basement of regret and anguish were so well worn it was like he could just slide right down them and end up at the bottom— faster every time. In fact, he’d hit the bottom a while ago and had since started digging.

He tried to asphyxiate it by smoking more, until his hideously loud thoughts melted to nothing and he fell asleep with his throat stuck together and his mouth parched for water, too unwilling to climb back up into consciousness to go get it.

Eventually though, it stayed his hand when he went to smoke. The thoughts were easy enough to keep at bay sober. He was busy with school and work and chapter meetings. Only when he was high did he not have the skill to escape them. He thought longingly of something stronger, but knew he couldn’t fall so far as to indulge in that. It wasn’t that he didn’t know who to ask. It was his resentment for his mother that pushed him away from the siren song of harder drugs, ever since highschool.

So he found himself sober, as on most weeknights now, studying extra for an exam or organizing recruitment workshops with his brothers. Tonight, he talked himself into a small hit. A little hit wouldn’t hurt. He just needed to stop smoking quite so much, his tolerance was too high. One pull would just take the worst of the edge off.

It did, until it didn’t. He abandoned his schoolwork, leaving his weed in the locked drawer of his desk so he wouldn’t be tempted to smoke more, and found himself wandering around the house. They’d implemented a new chore system that was going poorly, and the house was kind of dirty. Not the worst it had ever been, but not as nice as it was when they made Zee do most of the cleaning. That had eventually been voted out, because too many of them felt bad. Not that they were offering to pick up the slack, they just felt bad watching him try to keep up with their sloppiness.

He remembered that vote. Who had suggested it, Alex or Dominic? One of them. He’d voted against the motion, but that wasn’t one of the things that chased him around his own brain at night.

He didn’t realize he was looking for Zee until he found him, sitting on the counter of the bathroom sink holding a wad of toilet paper to his face. He was with Alex, and his nose was bleeding.

Cam paused in the hallway, but not before an old wooden floorboard creaked. Alex looked up into the medicine cabinet mirror and their eyes met. Zee didn’t look to see who it was. He closed his eyes.

“What happened?”

Alex swung the bathroom door wider so he could look at him directly, instead of his reflection. “Why, are you sorry you missed it?”

He was glad for the one hit he’d taken. Even a small chemical buffer was necessary for him to be around Alex Clair. He wasn’t going to get any answers from him, not if he was in a sour mood. But he and Zee had been doing better lately. They had a kind of truce working, only Alex probably didn’t know that. He knew Zee liked Alex better than him, obviously, but he thought maybe their working relationship had come far enough that Alex would see it, despite his near constant self-righteous indignation.

“Z2?” Cam asked, still a full step outside the doorway. “What’s goin’ on?”

Zee opened his eyes and tilted his head down enough to look at him. He grinned almost apologetically under the wad of tissue— alarmingly red in places with bright blood. “Nothing. I think I have allergies or something. Dry sinuses.”

Alex gave Zee a leveling look and Zee returned his gaze to the ceiling to avoid it.

“To the pollen, or Mike and Tyler?” Cam asked

Alex turned his disapproval on him. “The class is missing their clown tonight, huh? Aren’t you usually leading the pack? All the most fucked up incidents I can remember around here were your brainchild. Even before he got here.”

This further confirmed Cam's suspicion that Alex had never liked him, even before they were at odds with the boxboy dilemma. The sting of rejection was familiar. It bothered him less than it used to, but it still added another tally mark somewhere in his head, another scratch in a long line of reasons justifying the nagging disdain he felt for everyone, even the people who are supposed to be his brothers. Supposed to give him a chance.

Alex raised his eyebrows at Cam’s unusual silence. “So, what’s it to you what happened to him this time?”

From his perch on the sink, Zee nudged Alex’s leg with his foot.

“What?” Alex hissed at him, though there was patience right behind the exasperation, a gentleness that did not exist two seconds ago when he was addressing Cam.

“I just wanted to check on you, Zee,” he said, deciding not to answer Alex at all. “Here.” He pushed past Alex and bundled fresh toilet paper into a wad, handing it to Zee. He took the bloodied one from him and threw it in the wastebasket, which was filthy and had not seen a plastic liner in months, if not longer than that.

Zee thanked him with a genuine smile— fleeting and secretive, like he didn’t want Alex to see it but was willing to risk it to make sure Cam did.

He didn’t know if it made it better or worse that Zee had been so receptive to his small changes of heart. It made him feel better on one hand, like if he could repair something as fucked as their relationship to each other he could tell himself it couldn’t have been that bad. On the other hand it made him feel worse. It was that bad. It definitely was. Zee was just short on allies, and possibly a bigger person than he was anyway. He was open to the grudging, embarrassed little kindnesses Cam was willing to offer and was too noble to hold his past actions against him. It made his past behavior look even uglier and smaller.

It made it worse that he’d been so deliberately, calculatedly cruel to him in the first place. Sometimes he wondered if he realized that Z2 was a person at first, and that boxies weren’t all some Frankenstein’s monster, some lobotomized AI in a flesh and blood package. But that wasn’t really true. Of course he knew. Everyone knows, deep down.

“C’mon,” Alex said, and helped Zee hop down off the counter. “You’re good now.”

“Will you do the thing?” Zee asked him.

“Yeah. Hell yeah. I could use it right now, too.”

“Use what?” he asked, following them.

“Get lost.”

“I have a right to know,” he said lamely, though he sort of did. He had pitched in for Zee, Alex had not. Alex was not, as they sometimes put it, a boxboy shareholder.

But Alex and Zee had history together that he and Zee did not. He knew that. Alex had always tried to protect him, sometimes locking him in his room for fourteen hours at a time and not letting anyone take him out. Cam had objected at first, but because Alex was Alex, everyone else just sort of let it ride. Another reason to hate Alex Clair.

“He can come if he’s quiet,” he overheard Zee.

“He’s not gonna be quiet. He’s incapable.”

“Shut up,” he said ineffectually as he followed them to Alex’s room.

Zee went inside first and sat down on the bed. Alex turned and held onto the door, deciding whether to let him in or not. Cam held two fingers up by his chest in a peace sign. “I’m not gonna be a dick, dude.”

He could tell Alex was skeptical, but shrugged and let him inside. Once he was in, they proceeded to completely ignore him. Alex turned off the light and switched on a blue lava lamp, just like the one Cams’s cousin had in his room growing up. Zee sat cross legged on the bed, watching Alex with trusting expectancy as he went to his laptop and started playing some weird ambient shit. He slid a disposable vape and a pencil off the desk into his hand and joined Zee on the bed.

Cam felt awkward standing, and helped himself to Alex’s computer chair. He spread his legs and swiveled back and forth a few inches, affecting casual comfort even though he’d never been in Alex’s room for more than a second, and never with the lights off.

The two of them sat facing each other on the bed. Zee was propped up by pillows behind him and Alex seemed satisfied without, his spine pin straight and his athletic shoulders relaxed.

“Four counts,” he said, hitting the vape and then handing it to Zee. Zee hit it and set it on his knee. Alex started them off on some breathing ritual; in four counts, hold for four, exhale, hold for four, and then begin again. Cam tried to copy them without them catching on, inhaling quietly when they inhaled and waiting for Alex to give the cue to exhale. It was immediately calming, like Alex had reached to the back of his neck and hit an override button in his brain. He didn’t like it.

“You two just come in here and breathe weird?”

“Another word and you’re out,” Alex warned.

He laughed. “Understood.”

“Try it,” Zee whispered, opening his eyes just long enough to glance over at him.

“I’m good,” he answered, but something in Zee’s eyes made him think he already knew he had been, a moment ago.

“Hands first?” Alex asked.

Zee held out his hands palm up and Alex took them in his, a gesture so intimate but casual that it shocked him more than if Alex had slapped their boxboy in the face.

He held each of Zee’s hands in his as if warming them, rubbing over a wide surface area at first, followed by slower, massaging sweeps of his thumbs over the open palms. He spread each finger and rubbed the length of it, rubbing circles on the finger pads and back down over each knuckle til he reached old callouses, all the way to his wrists. He watched with growing agitation as Zee relaxed visibly.

When he decided he was done, Alex turned Zee’s palms down on his plaid comforter and picked the vape off Zee’s knee, hitting it before placing it between Zee’s lips for him. Zee took a drag without bothering to ever open his eyes.

He then picked up the pencil he’d brought from his desk and Cam made a face, wondering what in the fuck he was possibly going to do with a pencil and also feeling the agitation in his lower belly grow into an ache in his chest, a tingling of his scalp.

“Eyes closed,” Alex said gently, though Zee’s eyes were closed already. He meant it as a reminder to keep them closed, Cam knew instinctively. To stay still. He took the pencil and used it to draw along Zee’s face, using the soft pink eraser on his skin. Cam’s breath caught strangely in his chest. It looked gentle as tracing, light and maybe ticklish but also satisfying. He traced slow ovals around Zee’s face, over his cheeks and up to his hairline, down again beneath his chin. Zee breathed serenely, a grin pulling the corners of his mouth now and then. Alex lifted the eraser tip to do four points instead, tapping down oh so gently on his cheeks, forehead, chin, in first a predictable pattern and then an unpredictable one.

He felt soothed by proxy, an even more so than with the rhythmic breathing. Yet he was uncomfortable, almost alarmingly so, because it felt like Alex was the author of it, and he couldn't stand Alex, but watching him with Zee was intoxicating. They’d clearly done this little ritual before. If Zee was in half a trance, Alex seemed to be enjoying himself just as much, eyes low and a small smile on his face as he tapped and traced and tapped. Cam thought he would probably be able to hear his own heartbeat if it wasn’t for that music that was playing in the background. He was grateful for it now.

Alex finally stopped, drawing the eraser tip down the sloping bridge of Zee’s nose a few times before taking the pencil away. He squeezed Zee’s left hand, which seemed to tell Zee it was safe to open his eyes. He looked almost drugged, happy, eyes shining and low.

“I could sleep,” he said to Alex, who nodded.

“Go ahead.”

But he turned those glassy eyes toward him instead, knowing and cunning despite their alleged innocence. “You wanna try it, Cameron?”

“I don’t even know what I just watched.”

“You never did anything like that?” Alex asked, uncrossing his legs and stretching over his left hamstring. “It’s just made-up whatever. But if you add the box breathing, it’s pretty powerful. I had to think of some way to calm him down when he first got here. You guys were relentless. He was in fight or flight constantly. It was really bad.”

Cam set his teeth against the accusation, but didn’t drop his eyes from Alex’s level blue gaze. He knew it was bad. He held out his hand for the vape. Alex gave it to him and he pulled deep, lungs filling with candy flavored nicotine. Almost immediately, he felt the head buzz that came with it.

“You mean you want me to do it to you, Zee?”

Zee was nestled in a pile of Alex’s pillows like a housepet. “If you wanted. Or Alex can show you.”

Cam laughed reflexively. He glanced at Alex, who was giving Zee a funny look. “I’ll pass.”

“Yeah, me too, thanks,” Alex said dryly.

“You sure you’re gonna let me near him with a pencil? Or is that considered a weapon?”

“If he wants you to do it,” Alex shrugged, and handed him the pencil. “Whatever.”

Now that it was actually happening, he felt strange. His heart was pounding lightly, like it always did the first time a girl he’d never had before started getting undressed. It’s Z2, he told himself. Get it together. But it was Alex, too, and he was in their space, doing their weird thing. He sat close to Zee as Alex had and felt awkward that he didn’t have a plan for a preamble, like Alex did with the breathing and the hand thing.

“Wanna hold your hand out first?”

Zee did. He started there but with the pencil, tracing the eraser tip lightly over the lines of his palm. Zee smiled and squirmed on an exhale like it was a lot of sensation, and Cam paused. “No?”

“No, yeah,” Zee said, looking at him more directly than he had in the past, whenever Cam was being antagonistic. “It’s good.”

Cam had a sudden, bright memory of holding a fistful of his reddish brown hair as he buzzed the other half off in the bathroom sink. He continued with the pencil tip, like a feather.

Alex flipped onto his back on his bed, casual and composed as always, belonging everywhere he set foot— never awkward, or disliked, or challenged. He watched the two of them serenely as he hit the yellow vape. “Who knew you could act like a normal human being, Cameron?” was his only snipe. It was said in a quiet enough voice that Cam felt he could let it go unchallenged.

“Close your eyes,” he said, ready to trace Zee’s face.

Zee gave him a steady, head-on glance before doing as he asked.

[alexisnotstraight]

My Chemical Romance for Blender, april 2005 by Dorian Lymskey

"We're here to fight evil"

If death rockers My Chemical Romance say they're superheroes, then who is Blender to argue? we just don't remember Spider-Man having so many problems with drink, drugs and swearing in front of kids.

One day last august, Gerard Way boarded a plane to Japan with the grawing conviction that the might not be coming back. Over the past past year, the old singer for the rock group My Chemical Romance had got it into his head that he had to be drunk to perform, and then needed Xanax to switch off his brain afterwards, and the cumbination was making him suicidally depressed. Way didn't like being suicidally depressed, so he'd often add cocaine to the mix. That's when his mood really got black. He spent the days before the flight saying goodbye to friends in New Jersey, just in case

In Japan, Way spent all his time drunk. Before the final Tokyo show, he got so trashed on Heinekens and vodka tonics that he realized, even as he was performing, that he wouldn't be a able to remember anything about it the next day. After he came off stage he spent half an hour throwing up in a garbage can, until there was nothing coming up except bile. Tonight, be thought to himself, his hair caked with womit, I've drunk my last drink.

"It was a vicious circle," he says matter-of-factly. "I needed it to function but it made me want to kill myself. It made me extremely unpredictable and dangerous to myself. I didn't want it to get to the point where it became like a VHi Behind the Music where they show this seally had picture of me 30 pounds overweight, throwing up on the floor in Berlin. I didn't want that to happen to this band".

Way's cold-turkey fight back to the band's home of Belleville. New Jersey, was escruciating-almost 7.000 miles of skin-crawling, sweat-soaked willies. "I got really emotional outside the airport when we landed. I didn't know if I was going to see these guys again." He went straight to his therapist and booked into Alcoholics Anonymous, knowing that in the same week My Chemical Romance had to replace their drummer, fiim a video and start their tour. And you thought you'd had a hard week at work.

"We got through the hard shit," says Way. "This is the easy part".

Any fears last summer that My Chemical Romance were going to implode into obscurity were knocked flat by their swaggering teen-dysfunction anthem "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)."

Inspired by the high school experiences of Way and his friends, it delivers angst-rock verities with a knowing wink, not to mention the kind of melody that ignites careers. The tongue-in-cheek video, filmed in the same L.A. high school as Donnie Darko, depicted MCR as proudly geeky misfits. It was a role that didn't require much rehearsal.

Way calls My Chemical Romance's music "death rock." Others have tagged it goth punk or emo. Some endearing individuals have overcome genre confusion by simply calling MCR faggots. "Our guitarist Frank met somebody who said, 'How do you feel when people stop liking your band because they find out you're gay?" says Way, curling his lip with pointed amusement.

To the more meat-headed members of the Warped tour fraternity, some eyeliner and the occasional ambivalent lyric (in "You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison, Gerard sings "I'll kiss your lips again" to a male character) are too much to process, but Way hopes MCR can change a few minds.

"We've always tried to switch the way people think about rock bands," he says. "That [lyric] puts a dividing line between people. Are you on our side and you want to be different or are you on that side and you want to throw a football at my head?".

Only a morbid former comic-book artist from blue-collar New Jersey could have hatched a band as toughly unorthodox as My Chemical Romance. Gerard Way writes the songs with his bandmates -his bassist brother Mikey Way, guitarists Ray Toro and Frank lero, and new drummer Bob Bryar-but the vision is all his. He illustrates the record sleeves and defines their image. Recently he chose matching shirts, ties and armbands for the band to wear in the video for "Helena." taking enormous care not to resemble (a) the Hives or (b) the Nazis.

Most important, he's the one who assembled the band back in late 2001. when September 11 jolted him out of his rut as a struggling illustrator. On their 2002 debut album, I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love, and last year's Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, MCR yoke the thunder of punk to the black humor of Morrissey, Nick Cave and Tom Waits, and blaze with purpose.

"There are bands that are in it for the wrong reason, polluting the airwaves and filling their own pockets," Gerard growls. "Or just saying. Oh I wanna be a rockstar. Right. You've got a lot of kids following you. What are you saying to them?"

So what are MCR saying?

He's ready for this one. "We're saying it's OK to be messed up. There's other people just like you. And if we stick together we'll get through this."

When Gerard was still working in comic books, his favorite creation was The Amazing Goffo Brothers, Piano Movers Extraordinaire. A black comedy set in a creepy, anonymous city, it was a metaphor for the relationship between him and his younger brother, Mikey.

Despite their age difference (Gerard is 27: Mikey is 24), the Way brothers wore matching outfits as children. Today, the Ways arrive at a Midtown Manhattan restaurant wearing identical black jackets, but that's the only visible similarity.

With his blood-red tie, ink-black hair and snow-pale skin, Gerard looks part Jack White, part Edward Scissorhands, and sounds as if he's been hanging out at the Bada Bing! club. His stick-thin sibling, meanwhile, wears oblong-framed glasses and the kind of candy-striped wool hat favored by fourth-graders and fashion stylists. He has the most extraordinary laugh: a shrill, girlish giggle that causes waiters to turn their heads.

They grew up in the predominantly Italian-American town of Belleville, in Sopranos country the Pizzaland restaurant glimpsed in the show's opening credits is a few blocks from the house they still live in with their auto-mechanic dad and hairdresser mom. In Jersey, says Gerard, "There's a 99% chance you're not going to do anything with your life." Mikey yelps with pretend outrage.

"Well, 90%, maybe," his brother concedes in a deadpan drawl. "Every time I come back to Jersey, it's ready to put its tentacles all over me and suck me right back in. If I'm home for more than three weeks. I forget I'm in a band. I start to fill out applications for supermarkets."

Is there anything good about the Garden State?

"I think it gives you a bleak outlook on life, which is awesome," says Mikey, cackling. "It gives you an edge. When you're from Jersey, people act like you're from Rikers.

Gerard nods. "Sometimes all we have to do is get up there, make some feedback and say, 'Yeah we're from Noo Joisey,' and then hit 'em like a bomb. People are like, 'Hey, I don't want to get beat up!"

After high school, Gerard studied art and Mikey drifted his way through college: "I thought college was a place you went to find people to be in a band with." Sometimes they played in bands together, but Gerard was more committed to becoming an artist, which was proving to be a disheartening process. When he eventually quit, his big project was a magic cartoon chimp called Breakfast Monkey. "I was doing bullshit," he shrugs.

After September 11, Gerard wrote his first song. "Skylines and Turnstiles," and played it to an old friend, drummer Matt Pelissier. Pelissier knew a guitarist called Ray Toro. "They played me their one song and I was jumping around the attic and headbanging," says Toro, a genial, frizzy- haired film buff with a caricature of Alfred Hitchcock tattooed on his left arm.

"Gerard sounded really sincere about wanting to start something real. That's what made me excited."

The members of My Chemical Romance aren't especially weird-it's not like any of them collect skulls or serial killer memorabilia-but they all grew up with reasons to feel like outsiders.

Toro was a shy kid with an overprotective mother. Instead of going out with friends, he'd stay at home playing guitar to Jimi Hendrix or Metallica. Guitarist Frank lero suffered from bronchitis and ear infections and was ill almost constantly until the fifth grade. He was raised by his mom after she split from his dad, a musician who worked on records by John Lennon and Kiss. "I'm in the family music industry," he says. "My dad would ask me how school was, but mostly it was, 'When are you going to start playing?".

Jazz-trained drummer Bob Bryar was an Illinois kid "who took apart radios and stuff and then tried to put them back together and realized they didn't work." He has a dark sense of humor that can sometimes come off as surliness. "I get these urges to fuck off sometimes," he says. "I find it hard to entertain myself."

Bryar befriended the rest of the band in 2003, when he was a soundman for the Used, whom My Chemical Romance were supporting. When relations with Pelissier deteriorated, he stepped in. The new lineup had just two days to practice before their next tour.

"I haven't relaxed in a long time," sighs lero. "I look forward to that. I'd like to take a step back and look at some newspaper clippings."

The next morning, the sky is the color of a dirty washbowl and it's being emptied on New Jersey. Brian Schechter, My Chemical Romance's manager, taps at his cellphone as he steers his car through the damp, gray streets to pick up the Ways. We collect Mikey first.

"Did you see that MTV.com headline?" he asks, still wearing his striped hat. "MCR Aim for Smashing Pumpkins Status. It was out of context, but it's OK makes people think it's possible."

The band's destination is Philadelphia's Theatre of Living Arts. A local radio station held a competition between high schools to raise the most food for homeless shelters, the prize being an exclusive My Chemical Romance show. Considering the audience will be as young as 13. some adjustments need to be made. "We should probably have a PG show tonight," says Schechter. "We didn't do a show for charity just for Gerard to call them a bunch of motherfuckers."

It's a forlorn hope. "Put your fucking hands together!" cries Gerard within minutes of stepping onstage. In a black-velvet suit, red tie and black armband, he struts across the stage, wagging his finger to the lyrics or spraying mouthfuls of water over the front rows, while his band compress punk, metal, goth and glam into furiously concise pop songs. When he introduces "Headfirst for Halos" as "a song about suicide," you can almost feel the ripples of concern from the adult chaperones lurking around the edges of the room. However, even they can't resist tapping a toe to "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)." Last night MCR played it on The Late Show With David Letterman. Tonight they're playing it to a couple hundred Philadelphia high school kids. Letterman was a highlight of their career to date, but it's here that the song makes most sense.

"I didn't do my usual thing, where I compare high school to prison," protests Gerard later, sucking on a cigarette in a dimly lit backstage office. He admits he can see how people might get the wrong idea about MCR. "Journalists usually portray us as a fucked-up, dark, vampire. alcoholic rock band. Until they meet us."

Although he's got the charisma and the goth pinup looks to be an angst-rock martyr, Gerard seems too grounded to play the feel-my-pain card. Maybe it's the Jersey in him. Even when he talks about his therapist (a "rad guy" who turned him on to Brian Eno), he's pragmatic.

"If you're in this band, you're in it for the right reasons," Gerard declares. "You're not in it for money or fame. You're in it to do some good. Becoming more popular, it's like people are granting us superpowers and we have to use them to fight evil."

Is that the comic books talking?

"Oh yeah," he says, his grin a pearly sliver in the gloom. "We're like the Doom Patrol."

[smytherines]

trying not to think about how Owen Carvour starts out as property of a government that would imprison him or force him to take estrogen if they ever found out he was gay, goes through a catastrophic trauma caused by the man he loved and trusted, and ends up with his personhood functionally gone, as a thing without an identity, a weapon that only exists to kill and cause pain

I mean seriously, during Owen's time the UK was actively imprisoning gay men, or forcing them into "chemical castration," forcing them to take estrogen to induce sexual dysfunction (thought to make it so gay men couldn't act on their desires)

So the idea that his relationship with Curt is the one place he gets to feel safe, gets to be himself, gets to be a human being instead of somebody's useful tool, and then that one person he had, the person he loved and trusted, left him to die. The bottom drops out of his life in a spectacularly violent fashion, and the only people left to scrape him up off the floor make it very clear that he is useful to them.

At least as Owen Carvour, he had an identity. Even if he had to keep it a secret, at least he had someone he trusted to share that secret with. After the fall, he has nobody. Nothing. His body and his brain are not the same, he has pain and mobility issues and emotional dysregulation and burns and scars that he never had before. He doesn't recognize himself. That last little scrap of ownership he had over his life is gone.

He is what Chimera wants him to be, because Owen Carvour died in that weapons facility in 1957

[so-called-yokai]

So, fun fact. Eshra('s species) is immune to capsaicin. He has no idea he just chemically attacked his boyfriend/best friend/packmate.

An idea that's been living in my brain for ages now and brought to life by the delightful @dysfunctional-doodle. Go check out their Ko-fi!

[undiagnosed-neurodivergent-chaos]

ADHD Long Information Post

Hello to any of y'all who chanced upon this post! Before I start, I would just like to say that I am not a psychiatrist, but rather just a minor who is questioning whether they do in fact have ADHD, which would actually explain a lot of my symptoms, so I have made the post below to delineate the majority of the information that I have learnt about the condition through a good deal of research. I have added the sources at the bottom of this post, though I must particularly thank the research by Julie Rawe for her research on structural differences in the brain. Additionally, if any of y'all would like any more information about ADHD or about another form of neurodiversity or mental health in general, do feel free to send me an ask, but also please acknowledge that it has taken me around a week to make this post and that my answers would take some time for them to be meaningful.

Introduction and Causes

ADHD, which stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is a chronic neurodevelopmental disorder that is generally known for causing executive dysfunction. Originally, ADHD was classified under the name ADD (Attention-Deficit Disorder), until the American Psychiatric Association officially changed its name in 1994.

Though the exact causes of ADHD have not been determined, with scientists coming to multitudinous theories regarding its origins, it is generally agreed that ADHD involves a certain genetic factor, meaning that it tends to run in families. Moreover, scientists have discovered that the brain of an ADHDer (an individual with ADHD) would have structural differences to that of neurotypicals. In particular, research has shown that the prefrontal cortex is slightly smaller and matures more slowly than typically developing kids, with it being thought that the cerebellum, hippocampus and amygdala are also smaller in size. According to a study by the National Institutes of Health, ADHD causes abnormal alterations in the structure and function of the left superior frontal gyrus and the corpus callosum.

As is elucidated more clearly from the diagram above, parts of an ADHDer's brain would take longer to develop, with some of the lags taking part in the brain's self-management system, which includes structures involved in emotional control, working memory and switching between one tasks from another, which occurs due to some neural networks (pathways between brain cells that pass information along neurons) taking longer to develop or being less efficient. For example, ADHD affects the fronto-parietal network, which is crucial in decision-making and learning new tasks, ergo why lots of ADHDers struggle with executive dysfunction. More specifically, in order to pass information, neurons release small amounts of chemicals called neurotransmitters, which have to cross across the synapse (which is a small gap and the site of transmission of electric nerve impulses between two nerves cells) to get to the tip of the next neuron. ADHD affects this process in a few ways, considering as neurons may not release enough neurotransmitters, the receiving neuron may have difficulty 'catching the neurotransmitter' and the neurotransmitter may get sucked back up by sending the neuron too fast. A particular example of such a neurotransmitter is dopamine, which is significant for memory, motivation, movement, mood and attention, meaning that it also regulates a person's 'reward centre'. Ergo, amongst other things, ADHD is associated to low-dopamine levels (which is actually due to many ADHDers having higher levels of dopamine transporters, which end up flushing out the dopamine before it can fully take effect), less serotonin and less norepinephrine, which deals with the 'fight or flight' response.

Introduction to ADHD Symptoms

There are three main types of ADHD: the inattentive type, the hyperactive and impulsive type and the combined type, which includes symptoms from both categories. One thing that is extremely important to consider for all of these systems is that people sometimes develop specific systems in order to not get into trouble. For example, if somebody knows they are prone to forgetting their phone or keys before going out, they might also meticulously check their pockets. In some cases, hiding these symptoms in order to act more neurotypical and to not face oppression is known as masking. In order to get a diagnosis, several symptoms of ADHD must be present prior to age of 12 and the symptoms must be persistent for at least six months and should take place in at least two settings (such as work, school and home). Also, some symptoms do not fit well in either and aren't easily classified, such as the below:

ADHD paralysis in the forms of mental paralysis, choice paralysis and task paralysis.

Mental paralysis refers to the difficulty that ADHDers often experience in organising their thoughts or generating mental focus, which can manifest as a sense of cognitive overload or brain fog.

Choice paralysis, rather like the name implies, is characterised by the overwhelming difficulty of having to make a decision or choose between various options (which often leads to the ADHDer procrastinating or avoiding the decision).

Executive Dysfunction (also referred to as task paralysis) refers to the inability to initiate, complete or sustain tasks due to overwhelming feelings of anxiety, stress or mental fatigue.

A wave of procrastination that hits ADHDers when they have almost completed a task or project.

Time blindness, which is the inability to sense how much time has passed and estimate the time needed to get something done (which can further prompt ADHDers to be commonly late for appointments or to be in a state of time paralysis.)

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a common symptom of ADHD and it is when a person experiences severe emotional pain because of a perceived failure or rejection.

Enhanced pattern recognition.

Struggling with creating habits (this happens because the ADHD brain makes it harder to remain interested and to stick to structure).

Emotional Dysregulation, which is when the brain cannot properly regulate the signals related to emotions, making it harder for the person to cope with their emotions, which would in turn cause feelings of being overwhelmed, uncomfortable or even in pain.

Hyperfixations, which are strong and prolonged interests in or focus on something, in which the person would typically become oblivious to everything else, sometimes to the point of forgetting to eat, go to the bathroom and sleep.

Sensory overload, which is the overstimulation of one or more of the body's five senses.

Symptoms of the Inattentive Type of ADHD

Having a short attention span and being easily distracted, both by internal and external stimuli (other thoughts, background noise and textures, for example).

Making careless mistakes (as part of this, it is rather common for someone to know that they are prone to making silly mistakes, but also being incapable of checking things through because it is too boring to do the work all over again).

Constantly changing activity or task (particularly if they are under-stimulating and one is lacking in dopamine in that instant)

Having difficulty organising and prioritising tasks.

Appearing to be unable to listen to or carry out instructions, which can include having to zone back in when being spoken to.

Appearing forgetful, due to low short-term memory (this can include names, past activities and also forgetting to bring things, which is partly due to object permanence and sometimes, as a symptom, is perceived rather as creating elaborate systems to not forget things, such as placing a necessary bag in front of the door so that it is impossible to leave without remembering the bag).

Losing things which are necessary for tasks or activities, due to lack of object permanence.

Being unable to stick to tedious or time-consuming tasks (again, due to a lack of dopamine and an ADHDer's brain desperately seeking something stimulating).

Symptoms of the Hyperactive and Impulsive Type of ADHD

Often fidgets or squirms in one's seat.

Leaves seat or gets up when being seated is expected.

Appears 'on the go' or acts as if 'driven by a motor', meaning that people with ADHD often feel restless and find it hard to rest (which can include feeling as though one needs to always be doing something, even when one is simultaneously experiencing executive dysfunction).

Pacing around a lot (this isn't an official symptom but is a common experience nonetheless).

Particularly in children, running about or climbing in inappropriate situations and maybe having difficulties with engaging in leisure activities quietly.

Talking excessively (or alternatively staying quiet as a way of masking, to the point of never speaking unless being spoken to and switching wildly between not talking and talking for a really long time, with thoughts that neurotypicals often find unlinked).

Blurting out answers before the questions have been completed (which often happens because ADHDers tend to have enhanced pattern recognition).

Interrupts of intrudes on others (for example, interrupting conversations and accidentally speaking over others).

Finding it difficult to wait for their turn (which can include having to spend a lot of effort in order to just wait, in order to not receive any backlash).

Acting without thinking (in a way that is generally deemed to be impulsive, which can often lead to regretting not having thought carefully about it earlier).

Little or no sense of danger.

Stimming

Stimming, which is short for self-stimulating behaviours or stereotypy, is defined as 'the repetitive performance of certain physical movements or vocalisations' and is common with people who have ASD or ADHD. Stimming can help an ADHDer to focus, process emotions, deal with boredom and reduce stress, and it can include:

Drawing.

Humming.

Finger-tapping.

Skin-picking.

Rocking.

Pacing.

Blinking.

Listening to the same song on repeat.

Rearranging objects.

Flapping of the hands.

Staring in a particular spot for a long time.

Leg shaking.

ADHD stimming is very similar to ASD stimming, considering as both types help the person cope with sensory overload and reducing stress, but it is considered that ADHDers also can stim to help with concentration. Moreover, ADHD stimming typically involves touching external objects or performing fidget-type movements, whereas ASD stimming usually involves bodily movements and vocalisations.

Masking

Masking is defined as 'when an individual hides or suppresses symptoms, behaviours or difficulties they are experiencing', with ADHDers often acting in a way that is 'socially acceptable' to fit in with others and risk facing less discrimination. For example, as a part of ADHD masking, individuals may try to camouflage their symptoms by controlling their impulses, rehearsing responses and copying the behaviours of neurotypicals. Sometimes, masking is done unconsciously, whilst others actively mask on purpose.

Examples of masking, particularly for people with the inattentive form of ADHD, include:

Stimming.

Coming up with excuses for being late or distracted.

Working harder in order to achieve a goal or to meet a deadline.

Checking work multiple times before submission.

Writing everything down.

Having multiple alarms or reminders set up.

Focusing intently during conversations and being extra early to events to avoid being late.

Instead, within the hyperactive form of ADHD, many people instead mask by doing the following:

Staying silent in conversations or being additionally cautious when speaking.

Suppressing the urge to fidget or stim.

Trying to appear calm by suppressing energy.

Bottling emotions up.

When thinking about ADHD masking, it is important to remember that it is not always harmful, with coping strategies like stimming or fidgeting being genuinely useful and helping the ADHDer to adapt and function better in multiple areas of their life. However, for many people, masking takes a lot of mental and emotional energy, which could lead to developing anxiety and depression, having trouble differentiating between what is real and what is an act, complicating or delaying a diagnosis, facing trouble asking for support, feeling burnt out and feeling isolated. For this reason, many people with ADHD find it useful to unmask, which allows friends and family to offer support better and also reduces the emotional mental effort of having to act and speak in a specific way around others. Unmasking would therefore involved identifying when one is masking, exploring alternatives for unhealthy masking behaviours, not being afraid to speak about ADHD challenges, seeking professional treatment and support, whilst also understanding that one is not alone and that there are many other people with ADHD out there, who are often more than willing to support and encourage fellow ADHDers.

ADHD Burnout

Burnout, which is defined as a 'physical or mental collapse caused by overwork or stress' is a common experience amongst ADHDers, considering the difficulty involved in living in a society that was primarily built for neurotypicals. In particular, ADHD masking can lead to burnout symptoms including feeling exhausted for no apparent reason, experiencing anxiety or depression, turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms and keeping oneself isolated. ADHD burnout isn't a mental health diagnosis nor a formal symptom of ADHD, yet it is a term that highlights a common experience for ADHDers due to the prolonged stress of simultaneously trying to manage their symptoms, living up to various expectations in their life, lack of self-care, overcommitment and perfectionism.

Signs of ADHD burnout include:

Feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities.

Feelings of fatigue and constant exhaustion.

Lowered productivity and poorer performance of expectations.

Irritability and mood swings.

Increased procrastination (which includes people, obligations, tasks and self-care).

Physical health problems associated with chronic stress.

Low self-esteem and higher self-criticism.

Lack of motivation regarding completing tasks.

Forgetting commitments, tasks and daily activities more often.

Increased sensitivity.

Sleep issues.

Feeling guilty for resting or for not resting.

Tips for Managing ADHD (including burnout)

Practise self-care, including a routine that includes adequate rest, diet, hygiene, exercise and recognising one's own limits.

Say 'no' too additional commitments and establish boundaries.

Take advantage of a support system and reach out to friends and family.

Seek professional help (which can include getting a diagnosis, asking the psychiatrist for tips and potentially also getting appropriate medication).

Breaking down tasks in such a manner that makes them less overwhelming, which helps with executive dysfunction due to less choice paralysis.

A wall calendar, to-do lists and regular reminders to stay organised and not forget commitments (for to-do lists, it might be good to limit them to five tasks a day to avoid getting easily overwhelmed).

Body-doubling in order to help productivity and motivation (this is the method of productivity by which two people both attempt to be productive, usually in the same place and at the same time, ergo motivating each other to complete their own tasks).

Whilst doing a task, it can be useful to put on a timer, making it easier to track the passing of time and to celebrate any progress that has actually been made.

If one has to bring something with them, leaving the item in front of the door or on the stairs (basically, on the way to where one has to go) serves as a reminder of the reminder.

There are many digital apps that include reminder alerts and calendars, which helps with meeting deadlines.

Melatonin supplements can help with falling asleep more easily.

Do different activities in specific places (for example, always working at the same desk, only using the bed to sleep and winding-down in a separate place).

Buying things whilst considering ADHD (for example, buying a planner with a format that is easy to use, rather than something that one would never have the motivation to use).

Putting away one's phone whilst trying to be productive.

The Pomodoro Method (in which one is productive for 25 minutes, followed by a 5 minute break, which is preferably phone-free).

Not being afraid to clarify the exact expectations of other people.

For under-stimulating tasks, it can help to listen to a podcast or something that does not require 100% of one's focus, so one can do both at the same time and struggle less from understimulation.

Making a note of groceries in the fridge and cooking accordingly in order to ensure that they do not expire.

Paying in cash in order to reduce the impulse of buying something unnecessary (with cash, it is easier to acknowledge how much money that actually equates to, rather than just seeing a number on a card-reader).

Find friends who also have ADHD and be clear with any neurotypicals about personal needs.

ADHD Medications

ADHD medications work in different ways depending on the type, with all of them working to increase the leves of important neurotransmitters in the brain, including dopamine and norepinephrine. Increasing the amount of these neurotransmitters helps improve the symptoms of ADHD, including reducing hyperactivity, managing executive dysfunction, increasing attention span and controlling impulsive behaviour. However, ADHD medications affect each person differently, with some side effects being bothersome, whilst others are a cause for changing the type of medication.

Some of these side effects include:

Decrease appetite (which affects about 80% of people who take stimulant medications).

Weight loss.

Difficulty sleeping (including falling asleep after longer and finding it hard to stay asleep).

A rebound effect, whereupon there is a short period of fatigue, increased activity or a bad mood as the medication wears off.

New or increased anxiety or depression.

Tics (sudden, repetitive movements or sounds) being more apparent than without the medication.

Minor growth delay, which can cause a growth reduction in some children and adolescents who take stimulants, though it doesn't affect their final height.

Upset stomach, nausea or vomiting.

Changes in blood pressure and heart rate.

Stimulants are the most common type of prescription medication for ADHD, which work by stimulating the brain into increasing the levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. Studies have shown that 80% of children with ADHD have fewer symptoms after finding the correct stimulant medication and dosage. There are two forms of stimulants, mainly in the form of immediate-release (which are short-acting, can last for up to four hours and tend to lead to a crash or rebound effect after the medication wears off) and extended-release (which are intermediate or long-acting, with some acting from six to eight hours, whilst others last for up to sixteen hours, and typically result in fewer 'ups and downs' during the day).

Stimulant drugs which are often used for ADHD include:

Amphetamine and dextroamphetamine (Adderall, Adderall XR, Mydayis).

Methylphenidate (Aptensio XR, Concerta, Cotempla XR-ODT, Daytrana).

Dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine, Dexedrine Spansule, Dextrostat).

Dexmethylphenidate (Focalin, Focalin XR).

Lisdexamfetamine (Vyvanse).

Non-stimulants are prescription medications, though they are not controlled substances, meaning that it is less likely to improperly use or become dependent on them. Non-stimulants for ADHD work by increasing the levels of norepinephrine in the brain and take longer than stimulants for the full effects to be felt. Non-stimulants are generally prescribed if stimulants are ineffective, if the ADHDer in question has intolerable side effects from stimulants and if they are combined with a stimulant to increase effectiveness.

Though the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) hasn't specifically approved antidepressants for the treatment of ADHD, healthcare providers sometimes prescribe them alone or in combination with a stimulant to help decrease the symptoms of ADHD, as these typically work on the dopamine and norepinephrine levels in the brain.

Diagnoses that are often Comorbid with ADHD

Low self-esteem (this isn't so much a diagnosis as it is a result of being shamed for not being 'normal' and for 'insufficient' masking).

Various anxiety disorders including Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).

Chronic stress and tension.

Depression.

Eating Disorders and Disordered Eating Patterns.

Substance Abuse.

Headaches and migraines.

Sleep problems, which includes finding it difficult to get to sleep at night and having irregular sleeping patterns.

Dyspraxia, which is a condition that affects physical coordination.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), which is defined by negative and disruptive behaviour, particularly towards authority figures.

Learning difficulties, such as dyslexia.

Tourette's Syndrome, which is a condition of the nervous system, characterised by a combination of involuntary noises and tics.

Epilepsy, a condition that affects the brian and causes repeated fits or seizures.

Research Regarding Gender and ADHD

There has been some research done on how ADHD affects both men and women, with it being commonly noted that men tend to display more hyperactive and impulsive behaviour, while women are more likely to have inattentive ADHD. In fact, particularly because the symptoms of inattentive ADHD tend to be 'less disruptive', women are less likely to be diagnosed than men, which is considered to be one of the reasons for why men are diagnosed with ADHD more often than women.

Moreover, according to a study in 2014 suggests that people with ADHD are more likely to question their gender. In fact, within this study on gender variance in people living with ADHD and ASD, participants with ADHD were 6.64 times more likely to express gender variance. However, according to Cate Osborn, an ADHD advocate and certified sex educator, states that ADHD doesn't 'cause' people to question their gender or experience gender dysphoria, rather suggesting that individuals with neurodivergence are predisposed to reject rigid yet arbitrary social norms, including the gendered expectations of society.

Sources (excluding mere definitions)

[aressida]

Wrote a long one cos the in law family wanted him to take the flu shot, I said no.

"Dear Family, Friends, and Medical Professionals,

I am writing to share some thoughts and questions about vaccines, particularly in light of recent developments.

Do we believe that vaccines are the ultimate solution in medicine?

It is commonly known that influenza vaccines are reformulated each season due to the virus’s constant mutation, making it challenging to predict and protect against new strains accurately.

Is it true that these vaccines bypass the liver’s natural filtration system, potentially causing a shock to our bodies?

How should we classify these ingredients—as toxic or benign?

Here are just some vaccine ingredients, and these are being injected into your body and into your children’s bodies if you choose to vaccinate:

– Formaldehyde/Formalin – Highly toxic systemic poison and carcinogen.

– Betapropiolactone – Toxic chemical and carcinogen. May cause death or permanent injury after very short exposure to small quantities. Corrosive chemical.

– Hexadecyltrimethylammonium bromide – May cause damage to the liver, cardiovascular system, and central nervous system. May cause reproductive effects and birth defects.

– Aluminum hydroxide, aluminum phosphate, and aluminum salts – Neurotoxin. Carries risk for long-term brain inflammation/swelling, neurological disorders, autoimmune disease, Alzheimer’s, dementia, and autism. It penetrates the brain where it persists indefinitely.

– Thimerosal (mercury) – Neurotoxin. Induces cellular damage, reduces oxidation-reduction activity, cellular degeneration, and cell death. Linked to neurological disorders, Alzheimer’s, dementia, and autism.

– Polysorbate 80 & 20 – Trespasses the blood-brain barrier and carries with it aluminum, thimerosal, and viruses; allowing them to enter the brain.

– Glutaraldehyde – Toxic chemical used as a disinfectant for heat-sensitive medical equipment.

– Fetal Bovine Serum – Harvested from bovine (cow) fetuses taken from pregnant cows before slaughter.

– Human Diploid Fibroblast Cells – Aborted fetal cells. Foreign DNA has the ability to interact with our own.

– African Green Monkey Kidney Cells – Can carry the SV-40 cancer-causing virus that has already tainted about 30 million Americans.

– Acetone – Can cause kidney, liver, and nerve damage.

– E. Coli – Yes, you read that right.

– DNA from porcine (pig) Circovirus type-1

– Human embryonic lung cell cultures (from aborted fetuses)

You can view all of these ingredients on the CDC’s website. I encourage everyone to do their own research. Look up the MSDS on these chemicals. Read the thousands of peer-reviewed studies that have evaluated the biological consequences these chemicals can have on the body, especially when being injected.

Injecting foreign substances directly into the bloodstream—viruses, toxins, and proteins—has been linked to various diseases and disorders. These include conditions like atypical measles, cancer, leukemia, multiple sclerosis, and even SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).

Conditions like Addison’s disease, anaphylactic shock, arthritis, asthma, asymptomatic COVID-19, Crohn’s disease, epilepsy, facial paralysis, fibromyalgia, fetal distress syndrome, foreign body embolism, genital herpes, hepatitis, hyperthyroidism, inflammatory bowel disease, jugular vein embolism, lung abscess, lupus, meningitis, MERS-CoV test positive, migraine-triggered seizures, multiple organ dysfunction syndrome, multiple sclerosis, multisystem inflammatory syndrome in children, pneumonia, stiff leg syndrome, stiff person syndrome, stillbirth, sudden heart attack, sudden respiratory failure, type 1 diabetes, uterine rupture, viral bronchitis—and much more.

This does not mean everyone will experience these reactions, but a significant number of test subjects have experienced one or more.

It is more than enough evidence to show that vaccine mandates are completely anti-scientific.

How can you make an informed decision if you do not have all the information?

We have also seen a shift where flu vaccines are now mRNA-based. But does a "vaccine" really prevent a virus or its recurrence as we expect it to?

The annual flu shot is, at best, a partial defense, aimed at last year’s strain. Does it truly help against the ever-mutating new flu, or is it just a temporary fix?

My concern is that this mindset—that a vaccine is a quick fix for everything—is flawed. The immune system may struggle to handle these types of agents, leading to breakthrough infections and potentially higher mortality rates.

For those who are vaccinated, I respect your choice. I simply ask for the same respect in return for my decision not to vaccinate. My reasons are personal and grounded in a belief that the government should not dictate my health choices and my family's.

Have you heard about Pfizer’s side effects?

Have you read the Pfizer documentation? Ask yourself if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is right for you.

The list of potential vaccine side effects released by Pfizer is alarming, ranging from autoimmune disorders to serious conditions like multiple organ dysfunction and sudden respiratory failure. Yet, this information was kept under wraps and only recently made public. Shouldn’t we be informed of the risks?

Do we even know the medium- or long-term effects of these vaccines?

Are they still in clinical trials? Is there a control group? What about Antibody-Dependent Enhancement (ADE) – has it been adequately tested? And why are ingredients like formaldehyde and mercury, known toxins, included in these vaccines?

Do you truly think this vaccine is 100% safe?

Transparency is crucial.

How can we make informed decisions if we are not given all the information?

We must ask ourselves, do we trust the pharmaceutical companies and their relationships with organizations like the CDC and FDA?

The FDA requested 75 years to release data on the Pfizer vaccine—why? Why did it take only 108 days to approve this vaccine, yet it supposedly requires decades to fully understand its effects?

Do you believe that SARS-CoV-2 has been isolated?

How well-informed are you about the CDC, FDA, pharmaceutical companies, and their donors? Do you think their qualifications are reliable?

These are important questions that deserve honest discussions. And, I believe it is crucial to acknowledge the existence of these alternative perspectives and engage in open discussions to gain a more comprehensive understanding.

Our health and freedom are at stake, and I urge everyone to think critically and seek out all the information before making decisions.

Thank you for taking the time to consider these points."