#bracelets in anything else makes me uncomfortable and i dont know where anything is and i cant find my drawings because she threw the loose

[the-bearer-of-bad-ideas]

i dont know why my mom keeps deciding to forcibly "clean" my room while im at school when she knows full well that every time shes done that i cried for over an hour afterwards

[technowoah]

In a rich man's world

I wrote this in a day be proud yall :)

A C!Schlatt b̶l̶u̶r̶b̶ imagine (platonic)

+ C!Wilbur x reader (established)

⚠︎ swearing, manipulation (?), drinking, smoking, mentions of weapons. I didn't proofread

"STAY THERE. Dont come for me until I say that its safe. I know Schlatt will follow you so dont come-"

"GET EM OUT OF HERE!"

"Stay my love!"

This wasnt what you expected when Wilbur said to stay. You didnt think that staying in Manberg would insue that Tubbo would be considered Schlatt's vice president and you becoming his "First Lady".

He said in his own words, "Im interested in you. To be honest I don't know how someone like Wilbur can get a woman like you."

You took that to heart instantly. You and Wilbur were together for a reason. You loved him and he loved you. You and Wilbur built L'Manburg, you followed his dream and right now you are watching his dream, firsthand, be destroyed. You had watched him loose the election by 1 percent to Quackity and Schlatt and immediately after that get run out of his own country by the man he now despises. The man that's now your president.

Late at night you remember the faces of Tommy and Wilbur who were standing in the middle of a crowd of archers, their arrows pointed towards them as you tried to push your way through to get to Wilbur. He finally grabbed your arm and took off running, dragging you along with him.

The three of you finally came to a stop by a river when he said those words to you. Wilbur had told you to stay with Tubbo until things blew over and the two of you could see eachother again. Tommy continued to yell in the background that they should continue to run, Wilbur tried to give you one last hug when he was ripped away by Tommy.

You stood there breathless as arrow whipped past you and nearing your feet. You heard footsteps behind you. Thinking it was either one of the archers behind you, you didn't move until a hand was placed upon your shoulder. Discomfort flew through your body as your mind caught up to the idea that Schlatt was behind you.

"Dont watse your time. You heard the man." Schlatt said as he ended up walking away leaving you stunned.

He was an asshole and he knew it too. You could probably tell he was smirking as he walked away. That bastard just came all the way here just to taunt you and then leave. You ended up going back to the podium where you met with everyone else who didn't chase after Wilbur and Tommy.

Your mind was filled with hatred for Schlatt and uncertainty for the future. With Wilbur you had a future already made in L'Manburg, you two were going to get married, have children, reign in L'Manburg, but now what?

Schlatt ended up asking both you and Tubbo to come up onto the stage during his second presidential speech. You both stood, one on each side, of Schlatt uneasy. You were figeting while you awaited the reason why he brung both Tubbo and you up there. Tubbo looked anxious, he was flinching everytime Schlatt motioned towards him. You wish you both could find some comfort in this situation, but you couldn't grasp onto anything.

Schlatt then announced Tubbo as his vice president and you as his first lady. And that's where you are now, in a huge room with a round table sat in the middle. George, Quackity, Tubbo and you were sat around it the 5 of you barely taking up the huge meeting table.

That place is where he said those words to you, that he found you interesting and belittled your and Wilbur's relationship. That's where you realized he was doing this on purpose. Everything had begun to clear up in your mind as the days went on.

Time was passing and you haven't seen Wilbur in days. It was tiring and both Tubbo and Schlatt saw this.

Tubbo and you began to take nightly walks after working for the ram-man to blow off steam and complain. You always found yourselves following the path the Tommy and Wilbur took before stopping and wondering which way they went. Soon those walks became more informative because Wilbur gave Tubbo the green light, and gave him the coordinates to their hideout. He had told you that Wilbur knows that Schlatt is keeping an eye on you and it's safer until Schlatt lets his gaurd down.

Tubbo told you one night that Wilbur had teamed up with Technoblade, and made the underground city Pogtopia. He said it looked beautiful down there and that you'll love it. He also told Wilbur that you were Schlatt's first lady and he freaked out. After realizing that Tubbo kept telling you what was happening, you decided to make Tubbo your messenger boy until you could see Wilbur and Tommy again. It was sad that this was the way you two had to communicate, but whatever it takes for everyone to be together.

Schlatt on the other hand. He noticed you moping around in meeting rooms and while writing decrees. Schlatt wasn't good with words, we all know that, but he was good with material things. As days passed by and letters were written you began to find jewelry on your nightstand, gleaming in the moonlight without a note. More things began to show up in your bedroom, that Schlatt had given you. You said you were uncomfortable with sleeping in the same room and after a little bit of back and forth he obliged.

Bracelets hung on your doorknob, rings on your bed, enchanted weapons, basically anything that shined was in your hands.

Schlatt had even invited you to have a one on one meeting with him about a new decree he was working on. He sat at the head of the table while you sat on the side of him.

Schlatt slid the papers over to you, a cigarette lazily hanging from his mouth. You had gotton used to the smell of alcohol and cigarettes while being around Schlatt because that's what he smelled like 24/7.

"So what do ya think?" Schlatt ssid while blowing out smoke.

"It's sucks!" You said in disbelief.

"I want you to rewrite it then." He leaned back inhaling more smoke.

"What?!"

"You heard me broad! Write my decrees from now on." Schlatt said getting up from his chair.

He had put a table against a wall that was placed there for types of alcohol he wanted during a meeting. He grabbed a huge wine glass and a full bottle of red wine. He opened the bottle and drank a little from it before pouring a full glass apparently for you. He offered you the glass, slightly sitting on the table infront of you.

"I dont wanna do this shit anymore. It's boring so you'll do it for me. You know, I was gonna have Quackity do it, but. No. Just no." Schlatt shook his head as drank straight out of the bottle.

You smirked as you drank from your glass as well. You knew he was lying. You just didnt know the exact reason why. At this point you didn't care, you had the power you and Wilbur wanted in the first place, everything seemed to be coming full circle for you.

The decree was sitting right in front of you next to the cigarette Schlatt placed there, not caring if his cigarette was put out or not. You remembered the jewelry and weapons he had brought you to cheer you up and the fancy red wine and the glass that held it that shined like diamonds.

Schlatt finished his bottle of red wine and slammed his bottle onto the table. He rolled his head around and groaned. Schlatt turned his head to look at you from his seat on the table.

"So whaddya think?"

Maybe you could stay for a little longer.

[grxceblqckthxrn]

hi @chocolatecarstairs came up with these post-CHOG questions and i really want to answer them because im sad that im finished reading it :((

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW

what was your favorite part, 1 or 2?

Honestly I loved both parts, but I’d say I loved part two just a little bit more for the time that James wasn’t under the curse anymore and LOVED Cordelia

which scene in the book was your favorite?

EVERY scene that had Matthew and James being wholesome parabatai in it!!! my favourite chapter in this book was Blue Ruin, the one after Grace takes the bracelet back from James  (aside from the whispering room ofc).

what scene (or scenes) made you cry the most?

ok ngl i didnt spend much of this book crying, but the only scene that actually made me tear up was when james was dying and matthew could feel it and jesse (WHO I FUCKING LOVED MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD) gave him his last breath :(((((

what scenes were unsatisfactory?

there were not enough Christopher scenes (but to be fair, even if the entire book was just Christopher it still wouldnt be enough for me)

but fr, i cant think of any off the top of my head but i’ll edit this if i do later

what made you laugh the most?

matthew!! james!! thomas!! christopher!! also some of the things Jesse said

what bored you?

this wasn’t boring, but the whole charles/alastair plot line didn’t have me very invested. I did love the alastair/ cordelia scenes tho, so it was just charles that was the problem

also no offense to james bc he was my first actual fictional crush after reading TMH/NBS but like whenever he talked about being in grace i would literally zone out lol the bracelet curse makes him so boring but whenever he isnt in the curse/ is with someone who is NOT grace i just!! love him!!

what disappointed you?

cassie honestly had me kinda shipping matthew/cordelia for a solid FIVE SECONDS there when he stepped in to dance with her after james left her standing there, but that was one of the only scenes that made me feel like they had natural chemistry (along with the scene where he drops her off at her house). I felt like the during the rest of their interactions in the book, cordelia was kind of uncomfortable, which made me really sad because even tho she has every right to feel that way, i felt bad for matthew. I kind of want him to fall for someone else completely and for it to be reciprocated. also, i just really want for matthew and cordelia to become good friends because i feel like they could have such great natural chemistry if matthew didnt love her.

what is the top thing you wish had been done differently?

see above.

what things did you predict that came true?

JAMES BURNING DOWN BLACKTHORN MANOR I FUCKING SAID HE WOULD DO IT TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO IF YALL WANT ME TO LINK THE THEORY LMK

what are some things that were really unexpected?

ok there’s quite a few things here so bear w me babes:

- James genuinely loving cordelia from the start. I wasn’t expecting him to naturally feel nothing for grace at all, so i was expecting a slow burn jordelia, but finding out that he actually loves her makes me so happy but the end where cordelia thinks he was just pretending breaks my heart :(((

-matthew liking cordelia lol definitely was not expecting another parabatai love triangle but i hope it doesnt last. i do think it adds to the plot and i love it, it just hurts to see matthew so emo :(((

-I was expecting to like cordelia as a character, but i ended up LOVING her so fucking much???? she’s so three dimensional to me, and it’s interesting to see how her personality adapts around different characters as people adapt around different social circles irl

-liking jesse as much as i did

-ok so james’ entire character was a surprise to me. it’s so fascinating to see how the bracelet actually affected his personality.If you recall him in The Midnight Heir from TBC. he’s like an entirely different person. i still loved him in TMH but i went into CHOG thinking that if he was gonna be like that the entire time i’d probably get over him really quickly. i was pleasantly surprised by how much i ended up loving him even more tho

-i didn’t expect oliver hayward to die and im going to stay emo about it

- Christopher is so much more clear headed than he was made out to be prior?? like there were so many scenes where he was fully there and when he defended anna to alastair i just kfdsnfkld i love him

are there characters that you didn’t like before that you like now?

yikes umm... Alastair, maybe? he’s somewhat okay to me now, I dont dislike him as much as I used to. ooh and Hypatia Vex. the only scene i remember liking her in QOAAD was when she helped out kit, ty and dru (me, going a whole TSC post without somehow mentioning kit? not possible)

are there characters that you liked before that you don’t like now?

I started CHOG ready to give Grace the benefit of the doubt, and I was surprised by how timid and shy she seemed at the start, but it was interesting to see how it was all an act and how she doesn’t have an actual personality yet. one could argue that she actually does love james, but i doubt it at this point. i dont hate her yet, even tho she IS fucking up james’ life, but she’s on thin fucking ice.

who was your favorite new character?

does new character mean completely new or just never been in a novella new? because for the first, it would be Cordelia (i LOVE her sm!!) and other wise it would be james, matthew and co. also!!! jesse!!

what places in the book would you like to visit?

that hell dimension sounds pretty lit ngl

did you like the ending?

ok so. we KNOW that jordelia is gonna be endgame. cassandra clare always takes the hardest path to get there, but when has she not delivered? it’s just a matter of waiting. so, yes, i did like the ending in sense of the plot because it was a great twist, but i also feel really bad for all of them even tho ik they’re eventually gonna be together :(((

what did you think of the epilogue?

i wasnt surprised, since we alr know that Tatiana is shady asf, but i just really wanna know how she partnered up with a GREATER demon like lol wtf. again, im really happy in terms of plot with this

what are your thoughts on the engagement?

i feel so. fucking bad. for cordelia. and james too, even tho he’s under the bracelet’s curse so he doesnt even KNOW he’s being manipulated. but i love how even through the curse, james still loves cordelia in his own way.

what did you want to see that didn’t happen?

matthew getting therapy periodt

umm honestly i just want more “merry thieves” content like i just love. all of them.

what do you wish had been resolved that wasn’t?

i really want matthew to tell james or cordelia what happened because i just need him to be loved and supported lol i want to give him a hug. 

what is your favorite pairing as of now?

jordelia!!! and lucie and jesse are kind cute rn, and i like them if theyre gonna be pining after eachother but i feel like if they actually get together i wont like the relationship as much.

which characters would you like to see more of in the next book?

CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER 

ANNA!!! i lovED reading about her she’s so badass

matthew!! jesse!! also i wanna see more of those bitchy girls lol just so we can see anna or cordelia tell them to stfu

what is one character whose death you would undo if you could?

ok i know that jesse is still very much a conscious character despite being dead but like,,, i want him to be the way he was before and also i want him to come back to life

and barbara!! she seemed so sweet 

which characters got bad/unsatisfactory endings?

ummm barbara? i cant really say much on this yet bc its still only the first book and when has the first book ever ended up with anyone being happy.

oh but also can we sign a petition to make cassie let matthew actually survive the series because my heart aches just at the THOUGHT of eventually having to read a scene where he dies

which characters got what they deserved?

literally. none of them yet. :(

who should have died but didn’t?

Tatiana lol also lowkey charles but i also feel pity him to an extent 

what plotline are you most excited to see in the next book?

okay the entire jesse plot has me hooked because i LOVE his character. also i love the bracelet plot but its making me MAD because i just want james to be happy but

what is one scene that you wish hadn’t happened, but you know was unavoidable?

THE ONE WHERE GRACE PUTS THE BRACELET BACK ON JAMES. i mean obv there was no way he was completely done with grace, but i literally got so sad at that part like why HIM of all people smfh let him be happy

which pairing do you like the least?

alastair x charles, grace x james, lucie x matthew bc neither of them actually like either imo lol

what are some theories you have for chain of iron?

- not necessarily for COI but i think matthew is gonna get exiled and turned into made into a mundane

- the bracelet will break (?)

- jesse will come back to life (like actual life) at the end of the book

-grace is gonna do something to help the main characters, making it hard for us to hate her.

what characters do you think should have gotten more plot time?

lol are yall gonna hate me if i say christopher again (also anna)

anyways this was really fun!!!!! PLEASE ASK ME STUFF ABOUT MY OPINIONS AND STUFF OR JUST SAY ANYTHING ABT THE BOOK BC IM DESPERATE TO TALK TO PPL ABOUT IT

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I love she li character. I'm totally against what he's done to mo and he should be held accountable, but I still love his character and want to know more about him. His first fight with he tian, I was so curious to know why he seemed to enjoy it and even licking the blood from his lip, from then on I wanted to know his story. And I dont think he should be paired up with someone in the story it would ruin his whole esthetic. what are your thoughts about him?

Hello, dear anon!

This answer could weird out some people, so...Uh. Consider yourselves warned, I guess? It’s pretty much downhill from here on.

I’m sorry it took me so long to get to your ask. Thank you for your patience!

Do I have thoughts about SL? ...Let’s just say “a lot” is the answer:

My favorite 19 Days character(s)

My favorite 19 Days chapter(s)

SL’s bracelet

SL’s lip piercing

SL and ships:

My 19 Days NOTP (why I don’t ship MGS and SL)

My thoughts on SL and JY

My thoughts on SL and JY (vol. 2)

My thoughts on SL and HC

My thoughts on SL and Cuntou (Buzzcut)

My thoughts on SL’s sexuality

SL and MGS’s story:

Backstory revelation

SL and MGS’s development (the beginning vs. the train station scene)

That’s quite a reading list, but if you’re interested in my SL-related thoughts and mullings, I recommend checking out those previous posts. It’s possible I will repeat some things I’ve already talked about but this time I’m not going to give an overall brief summary. It would probably end up being anything but brief.

“I'm totally against what he's done to mo and he should be held accountable, but I still love his character and want to know more about him.”

This is partly why I’m hesitant to say I love SL’s character because I feel like I have to follow that with a small disclaimer that no, I don’t condone his behavior. I find him endlessly intriguing, complex, and layered. Every time he appears I never know what will happen and he always instantly steals the scene for me. I’m drawn to his darkness and disturbed, impossible-to-predict ruthlessness.

In addition to that, my “love” for him also goes deeper. I always feel like a weirdo talking about this but I see some of myself and my own shortcomings in SL’s character. Jealousy and envy. The misery loves company mentality. I don’t go around manipulating and threatening people but on some morbid level, his character allows me to go to that dark place and almost relish in all the disturbing thoughts I can muster. To me, some of the rawest and primitive parts of human nature are embodied and amplified in his character.

“His first fight with he tian, I was so curious to know why he seemed to enjoy it and even licking the blood from his lip, from then on I wanted to know his story.”

SL almost enjoying the fight and licking the blood are interesting notions that I haven’t really thought of before (ch. 184):

I’m glad you brought this up because I’ve been wanting to talk about SL and fighting ever since MGS mentioned how SL had a reputation of being “very vicious in fights” (ch. 319). I saw people thinking that was because of his Guillain–Barré syndrome. And sure, I’m not saying that couldn’t be the reason or a part of it. After all, we don’t know how far along his treatment was by that time. If you don’t feel pain as well as others, I can imagine you’re more fearless in fights.

However, I think his “viciousness” was more about SL’s overall nature. I mean, he picked up a heavy whiskey bottle and smashed someone in the head with it and didn’t seem to even blink. He was unpredictable and didn’t shy away from taking things further than probably most kids his age. Nothing was really off-limits for SL and whoever opposed him could never know what his next move would be. If you’re fighting someone and they lick their own blood - looking like they’re almost savoring the taste - I think you might want to start coming up with an exit plan. SL has a disturbing, cold-blooded aura as a fighter, and cruel, dirty violence is his style.

I’m also interested in MGS mentioning SL had transferred schools. We don’t know if he already had group-affiliations in his new school but imagine if he didn’t. Did he take over a group as an outsider by vicious violence? Did he make his own group from scratch?

“I dont think he should be paired up with someone in the story it would ruin his whole esthetic”

I don’t personally ship SL with anyone “in canon” as in I don’t think he has canonical romantic/sexual feelings for anyone in the comic. I don’t interpret his possessive behavior with MGS as romantic jealousy. Nor do I think he’s interested in JY in a romantic way. That being said, I do believe anyone is free to ship whatever they and however they want, so I don’t know about “shouldn’t be paired up with someone”.

But I think I get what you mean. I think if he had romantic feelings for someone we’re familiar with in the comic it would skew his character. “Interrupt” him, in a way. I’m not saying SL couldn’t be in a romantic relationship or even love someone but I’m not sure if that kind of “side-track” would quite fit how his role in the story has been built up so far. I would love to see more sides to him, but romantic love would feel too forced. It would kind of make me tilt my head and go “huh?”.

I feel the same way about his redemption. Again, I would love to know more about him and what’s going on in his head and heart and life general. What made him like this and what makes him tick. But I don’t know if I want him to be redeemed that way in the boys’ eyes. I kind of want him to stay as the villain to them. If they somehow started to see SL from a different light, it would kind of make his character “hollow” and crumble in on itself.

As far as my ships for SL go, I ship him with Cuntou (MGS’s Buzzcut friend) and HC. However, those ships are purely “AUs” in my head in a sense that I know they have no base in canon. I basically run with the characters and the scenarios build for them are for my own self-indulgence.

Because I couldn’t really give you any new “thoughts” but a reading list instead, let me try to make it up by raving about some of my favorite SL panels:

“We are here” (ch. 178):

I’ve always wondered what kind of an underling SL is. He might be the leader of his own group at school, but even SL must have a boss. Especially given that organized groups are heavily based on hierarchy and seniority.

But I can’t help but wonder how that kind of power dynamic works with SL. What do his superiors think about him? Do they know about his disturbing, unpredictable side? Do they feel like they have control over him? Have they ever taken advantage of his vicious side and kind of “let him loose”? Does his boss know how to handle him? And what about SL’s POV: Does he respect his superiors or just does what he’s told? What could make his obedience stop? What he would do if his superiors insulted him or somehow screwed him over?

Either way, I’m fascinated by seeing SL in a submissive position, taking orders from someone else.

“Jian Yi? Is it...” (ch. 179):

The thing I love about this panel is the tempo/rhythm/whatever-you-call-it of SL’s words. I can hear how he said them in my head. Where he paused and let there be a moment of silence that kind of rearranged the dynamic of the situation. JY had barged in and momentarily stolen the flow and control. He went all out talking back to SL and pointing him and being all JY-y. That little tilt of SL’s head, that short pause he had kind of flipped it back SL being in control. When he says “Jian Yi? Is it...” it has a dangerous vibe. As in, “Are you really sure you want me to notice you?”. That is a question asked by someone who’s mentally in control of the situation.

I can hear those speech bubbles in my head.

“Lick it clean for me” (ch. 203):

Do I even need to justify why I love this panel?

Aside from the obvious, I love this panel because it gives me strong “zero fucks given” vibes. I doubt SL was expecting JY to obey him but saying that kind of stuff fits his character perfectly. Unpredictable and difficult to tell if he’s being serious or not.

Thrown out (ch. 249):

This panel will never not amuse me. Every time I see them being thrown out like that, especially SL, I hear a “Pew!” bing in my head. Like the nurse had flicked them with her middle finger and thumb and shot them out of the room.

Pouring Coke (ch. 267):

Another panel that makes me think about SL being in a submissive position, overpowered. The idea of overpowering and submitting his kind of crazy fascinates me. A part of me wants to see him dominated, sullied, and made to take it. (Just to make sure I’m not misunderstood, I don’t mean “it” in a sexual way.) Like, I imagine the carbonated Coke stinging in his eyes. It’s more foam and fizz than actual liquid as it pours down his face. It makes him uncomfortable and wanting to try to wipe it off with his shoulder when the trickles slide down the side of his neck but he can’t. When Coke is spilled like that it goes from a nice, enjoyable beverage to a sickly sweet, sticky substance that kind of grosses you out.

This is a panel that always makes me think of shipping SL with HC.

[...I warned you it would get weird.]

Wandering in the hospital (ch. 294):

If you weren’t weirded out enough yet...

Every time I see these panels I’m reminded of being like that as a child. I remember my grandparents sometimes had to stay at the hospital when they got sick. When I went to visit them with my mom I had this habit of wandering off by myself. I could walk the ward through multiple times and just...kind of...be morbidly interested in watching the sick people in their beds. And of course, as a kid, I had no problem with openly staring at them, too. The sicker, the better. I wanted to see tubes going in and out of body orifices, wounds and stitches, bandages that have that faint shine of blood seeping through on the back when they’re due to a change. If you gave me an old person just laying in bed with their mouth open and not even being in this world anymore because they’re so old and ill, you could just sit me down and go take care of whatever parents need to take care of.

I’m not saying SL was like that but him silently wandering off always reminds me of how I was a kid.

Encounter (ch. 294):

I’ve talked about this panel quite a lot already, so I won’t go into it more in this answer. But I will say it’s probably my most favorite panel of the whole comic.

“I almost forgot” (ch. 317):

As weird as it sounds to point this out when talking about SL’s character, but I think SL was lying in this panel. Although, I guess a better way to put it would be to say it wasn’t his “usual” lying. I think he was lying about forgetting he had given MGS the piercings to make it look like he didn’t care about such trivial matters. That violating MGS like that and basically marking him as his property hadn’t meant anything to him. Seeing MGS wear HT’s earrings irked him but he’s lying about it. MGS inching further and further away from SL’s grasp is getting to him but I think this was the first time he’s trying to hide it.

Because I believe he remembers piercing MGS. I bet he remembers it vividly.

I think this panel and the way he lashed out at HT with the knife without having any regard for the consequences are interesting details that maybe SL’s mask is slipping. He’s getting more out of control. Almost desperate, I would say.

So yeah, I would say I have a few thoughts about SL.

Thank you for your question, dear anon! And for your patience as well.

[nyctolovian]

Trust

Merry christmas, Sincere! So hi im ur secret santa hahahaha! I know it’s kind of weird to have a sickfic for christmas but I rly tried to write something christmassy and ummmm yeh as u can see it didnt work out hahaha! Hope u still enjoy it with its fluff!! 

Summary: Trucy is running a fever while Mr Wright's at a trial so Apollo takes on the nursing duty. But health issues aren't the only issues Apollo will help with today.

AO3 Link

“Trucy has a fever?”

Upon hearing that, Apollo and Athena turned away from the client to look at their boss concernedly.

“Mm. ... Yes. … Oh... But I’m in the middle of a trial...” Mr Wright glanced at the clock. They only had five more minutes before the trial began again.

Eyes wide with worry, the client stared at him, wordlessly begging him not to leave. At that, Mr Wright flashed her a smile that assured her that he will be staying.

“I’ll ask someone to head over to fetch Trucy on my behalf,” Mr Wright spoke into his phone. “I’ll text you that person’s number. ... Yes. Thanks.” He pressed the “End Call” button before pulling his two protégés aside. “Well, you guys heard it. Trucy’s school called and she’s running a fever. And I can’t exactly leave halfway. Could one of you help me out?” he said with a sheepish grin. “I’d usually ask Edgeworth but he’s in Germany now...”

“I’ll go,” Apollo said, raising a hand. “Our client seems to need some help managing her fear, doesn’t she?”

“She does,” Athena affirmed. “It’s making her mess up a lot of her statements.”

“Then, it’s decided. I’ll go.”

Mr Wright wrote down something on a notepad and tore the page out. “This is the school’s address.” He handed Apollo the note and patted his shoulder. “Thanks for your help, Apollo. I’m counting on you to take care of her till the trial is over. I trust you’ll be fine though.”

The bailiff called the defense back to the courtroom and the defendant jolted in fear. Calmly, Mr Wright turned to her and comforted her. Athena held the defendant’s hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

Apollo glanced back as the three of them headed back into the courtroom before heading out. He took a look at the note Mr Wright had passed to him. The school wasn’t far from here. He quickly reached there by bus and got a visitor’s pass from the security guard before heading to the reception area.

“Hi, I’m here to pick up Trucy. Trucy Wright?” he told the receptionist.

“Ah, she is in the sickbay. I’ll wake her up,” the receptionist said.

Apollo pursed his lips. Was Trucy asleep? This fever seemed to be doing a number on the usually energetic magician. And he was right. As Trucy walked out of the sickbay, she looked incredibly exhausted, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

“Oh! Polly?” Her hand flew to her mouth. “You’re here?”

“Uh, yeah. Your dad’s in the middle of the trial so I’m here instead,” Apollo explained. He glanced over her quickly before gently tugging at her bag. “I’ll carry that for you. You look terrible.” For a moment, Trucy stubbornly tightened her grip around the strap. But Apollo was just as stubborn and she was feeling tired after all so she let go and sat at one of the benches.

The receptionist took out a form and told Apollo to fill it up so Trucy could sign out. He nodded and quickly filled it up. When he gave it back to the receptionist, her eyes widened in surprise. “You’re her coworker?”

“Um... Yes?” Well, technically I’m her employee but that’d be harder to explain. Apollo thought, cringing internally.

The receptionist laughed good-naturedly. “You two look so alike. I almost thought you were her brother! So you are a magician as well?”

“No, I’m not her brother,” he said, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “And I’m not a magician either. I’m a defense attorney. See?” He lifted his lapel.

“Polly, are you flashing your badge again?” Trucy asked from behind him.

“... No.”

The receptionist giggled as she filed the form away. “You two really get along well. Thank you for picking her up.” She craned her neck to look at the sick girl. “Rest well, Trucy!”

Seeing how tired Trucy was, Apollo got an Uber to take them back to the Wright Anything Agency.

As soon as they got in, Trucy started to nod off. However, when her head began to droop, she would suddenly straighten up again and the cycle would repeat.

“Just close your eyes,” Apollo said, leaning towards her. “You’re tired, right?”

“Ey, lass, y’ sick?” the Uber driver boomed, peered behind.

“Please look in front while driving,” Apollo reminded.

“Yep,” Trucy replied. “Fever.”

The driver nodded and turned his body slightly to look at her. “Thought so. Take forty winks, lil’ lady.” (“Oh god! Please look where you’re driving! Car! Car!”) Yer brother there can wake y’ up when we reach.”

“He’s not my brother,” Trucy said with a slight pout. “He’s just Polly.”

“Ey! Sorry ‘bout that! Y’ two got the same face!” the driver guffawed so loudly the car seemed to be shaking. Apollo clung to the roof handle for his dear life.

“Why do so many people say that?” Trucy mused aloud. “My friends in school say that too. Remember that time when I forgot my umbrella, Polly?”

Gulping, Apollo nodded. He won’t be remembering that any longer if the driver kept turning around to talk to them. “Alright, nice. Can you please nap now? No talking while napping,” Apollo said, patting her head. At least then Trucy won’t goad the driver into talking again.

“Good night,” Trucy muttered absently as she curled up in her bed.

“Good night,” Apollo replied even though he knew that was a weird thing to say at 10am. As he sat at the living room, he texted Mr Wright.

You: Trucy’s home now. She’s running a fever of 38.5 degrees. [10:34 AM]

Tentatively, he peered into Trucy’s room. Apollo felt pretty useless as he watched her tossing and turning uncomfortably. Never had he been needed to take care of someone else with a fever. And usually when he was sick, he’d just sleep it off.

Surely, he shouldn’t just be telling Trucy to sleep and leaving it at that. He frowned in thought for a while and paced around. Then, he picked up his phone again.

You: im taking care of trucy cos shes got a fever. 38.5 but wth do ppl usually do for fevers??? [10:39 AM]

The reply was almost instantaneous.

spaceman: Oof [10:39 AM]

spaceman: Give her water [10:40 AM]

spaceman: And paracetamol or watever [10:40 AM]

spaceman: Put a wet towel on her forehead [10:40 AM]

You: im not sure where mr wright keeps his medication stuff though. i asked trucy and she doesnt know either [10:40 AM]

You: shld i ask mr wright??? [10:40 AM]

spaceman: Yeah. Do that. [10:41 AM]

You: not sure when he can reply. hes at a trial now [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Ohhhhhhh [10:41 AM]

spaceman: No wonder ure the one taking care of her [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Good luck bro!! Dont die!!! [10:41 AM]

You: ok tks i wont [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Btw for the towel, get a basin so u dun need to run abt [10:41 AM]

You: k [10:42 AM]

After sending a message asking Mr Wright where he kept his medications, Apollo placed a cup and a jar of water on Trucy’s bedside table. With a bit of nudging, she finally sat upright to down an entire glass of water before sinking back into her bed with a flop. Then, he followed what Clay said and got a basin of water and a towel. Apollo soaked the towel and wrung it before placing it on Trucy’s forehead.

Apollo noticed the minute relaxation of her facial muscles so he supposed he was doing this right at least. Thank god for Clay. What would he ever do without him?

Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, Apollo picked it up again.

spaceman: AND SOUP OR PORRIDGE [10:53 AM]

spaceman: FOR LUNCH [10:53 AM]

spaceman: Im kinda assuming mr wright wont be back before lunch cos ure usually MIA for almost an entire day when uve got a trial [10:54 AM]

You: good idea [10:54 AM]

spaceman: Careful not to drop the entire bottle of pepper in the pot again. Itll kill the poor girl. Her dads a lawyer, apollo. Dont risk it ;-;[10:54 AM]

You: THAT WAS ONE TIME [10:55 AM]

spaceman: Tell that to my poor tongue :( [10:55 AM]

You: I GET IT STOP [10:55 AM]

spaceman: RIP Clay Terran’s tongue. 2004-2024 Death by pepper poisoning. [10:55 AM]

You: ITS TIME TO S T O P [10:55 AM]

spaceman: Dont. Stop me nOOOOWWW [10:55 AM]

You: why r u quoting queen in 2027 [10:56 AM]

spaceman: Why r YOU quoting filthy frank in 2027 [10:56 AM]

You: why r we even friends [10:56 AM]

spaceman: What do u mean?? This is precisely why we r friends [10:56 AM]

spaceman: IVE BEEN CAUGHT MY PHONE NOOOOOOOO [10:56 AM]

You: wow. a murder right before my eyes. ngl i feel nothing for ur death. [10:57 AM]

spaceman: Aura speaking, apollo, stop texting clay while hes at work. [10:57 AM]

You: Noted. Sorry. [10:57 AM]

“Trucy, please get back in bed,” Apollo said. “You’re still sick.”

“My fever’s gone, isn’t it?” Trucy said, puffing her cheek, as she continued to carry things out of the fridge to be defrosted.

“Well, yeah,” Apollo said. “But you’re not completely well yet. The sick should stay in bed to rest.”

“Do you even follow your own advice?” Trucy said, arms akimbo.

“Yes?” Apollo tried, rubbing his bracelet.

The piercing look Trucy gave him made him shrink back. Lying was futile. She could perceive lies too after all. Was this what it felt like at the other end of courtroom scrutiny?

“Okay, fine. I don’t,” he admitted. “But you’re a kid! A growing kid! I’ll do the cooking, alright?”

“The guest shouldn’t be doing the cooking.”

“I’m not guest, Trucy! I’m supposed to take care of you!”

“Look, Dad’s coming back for lunch. I can’t leave him hungry,” she said.

Apollo drooped with a sigh. “I’m sure what he means is that he’s coming back to settle lunch for you. Look, I could even ask him right now!

“I highly doubt he can cook,” Trucy stated, pouting.

“Mr Wright’s an adult. I’m sure he can settle his own meals. But if you really think that, I can just do the cooking. Your germs are going to get in the food anyway.”

“I can wear a mask,” Trucy rebutted.

Apollo waved his arms wildly before dropping them in exhaustion. “Rest. Please? Trucy?”

Trucy frowned at her feet. “It’s just a meal. I can do a meal.”

“Exactly! So can your dad. It’s just a meal. He can handle that by himself,” he said.

“I’m cooking,” Trucy insisted, stomping her foot.

“Why are you so stubborn about this?” Apollo sighed. Then, he noticed her fists shaking with emotion. “Trucy…” He watched her closely. “Is this really just about cooking?”

Her sharp blue eyes shot up to glare at Apollo. “Polly! You’re perceiving me?!”

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Apollo muttered, “Sorry. Habit. But answer me truthfully, Trucy.” He looked at her again, his brown orbs warm and gentle now. “This isn’t just about cooking lunch, is this?”

“I’m supposed to be the one who cooks lunch every day,” Trucy replied.

“So you see it as a- um… a duty?”

A silent nod.

“So skipping out makes you feel bad?” Apollo asked as he pulled a chair out and sat on it. “Like you’re not doing your part?”

Another nod. This time, she tentatively added, “It’s like a contract.”

He hummed in understanding. Then, he dragged another chair out and patted the seat.

Gingerly, Trucy sat down beside him. Her hands gripped the sides of the chair, tense.

“I kind of get it,” Apollo began. “I mean, being a foster kid, most of my relationships with my guardians feel like contracts too. ‘If you don’t do this and that, you won’t get, um, whatever.’ So I kind of get it. That kind of spread to my other relationships to be honest. So I always get this guilt when I’m not — I don’t know — performing?”

Trucy huffed in amusement.

“Have I ever told you about my best friend?”

“Clay?”

“Yeah, him. I used to always set rules for myself on what I should do for and with Clay,” Apollo continued. “I’d, um, not go for things, like parties or school projects, if he wasn’t going with me because I felt bad enjoying myself without him and stuff like that. When he found out, he got so mad at me and said it was dumb.”

Trucy snickered. “That is dumb.”

“Yeah, because, you know, he really hated that I wasn’t doing things for myself because I had set my own rules for our friendship. Well, the point I’m making is this,” Apollo said. “People who care about you wouldn’t want your relationship with them to restrict or hurt you, you know? People who really care would want the best for you, I think.” He looked up at Trucy. “And I think your father cares about you. A lot.”

Trucy was silent. She wasn’t meeting his eyes.

“I-I hope the things I said made sense,” Apollo stuttered. “I was just saying what I thought. I’m really not that good with words- URNGH!”

Trucy had slammed her face into his chest. Stiffly, Apollo’s arms hovered at his shoulder level as the teenager tightened her embrace. A fond smile spread across his face. Slowly, he lowered his arms over her shoulders and pat between her shoulder blades.

“Thanks, Polly,” Trucy said as she pulled back. She shot him a cheeky grin. “You make a pretty decent older brother.”

Apollo rolled his eyes. “Quit teasing me. Now, go sleep. I have a meal to make.”

[irndad]

the ring- b.b.

title: the ring

ship: bucky barnes x reader

wc: ~3.1k

a/n: okAY HELLO! i wrote this and it’s. stressful af and i love this fic so much. lowkey wrote this for @smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger

summary: i literally dont even know its long and pretty and i tried hard and its really angst and also cute shit. ITALICS ARE DREAMS SCENES

masterlist

In the year 2018, in a body that hasn’t aged since the 40’s, James Buchanan Barnes finds himself hypnotized once again by time, which has again been stolen from him.

Bucky wakes with a woman’s hand around his hand, fingers tracing up the length of his palm, tearful gaze pointed at his chest and evidence of tears on her lovely face.

God, maybe it’s because it’s hazy, but he swears she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen in all his life. When she leans over him, concern etched in her features, she looks like the kind of tragedy geniuses spend years trying to put into words.

“Hello?” He rasped, and that is when he got a good look at the eyes that belonged to the pretty girl by his bed, as they blew wide to look at him. And her grin, spread wide across her face, that was the stuff of salvation.

“Hey, soldier.” She smiles, looking at him with such adoration that he feels guilty for not being able to return the intensity of the gaze. Even still, she looks like something out of a dream, her smile so gorgeous on him, and he almost manages a smile back.

She helps him sit up, and he gets the feeling he’s supposed to know who she is, can see it in the way she runs her thumb over his, hands clasped to his like he’s her tether to the world.

He’s not used to being people’s light, their hope.

The last thing he remembers is sitting in a room with Wanda and Steve, playing cards, managing to keep their minds off of the way the Avengers are split.

But it all seems to end at once, her hand pulling away so abruptly, he wonders if he’s done something to make think of him the way everyone else does, wonders if she’s just remembered who the he is.

“Shit, Bucky, Banner said you won’t remember much, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have-“

“Banner?” He questions, mainly to cut her off so this beautiful stranger doesn’t have to have that tone of worry buried in her loving tone.

“You don’t know who Banner is?”

She rushes out of the room then, not before pressing a kiss to his forehead, lingering and hard.

The hand he held had a ring on, as well.

_____________________________

The girl with the ring had a pretty name, and apparently he had learned it a year and a half ago.

It had been a year and a half since the last thing he could remember, which he has a hard time wrapping his mind around, and he hates it, hates how he can’t remember anything again.

It turns out Wanda is why, on a mission infiltrating a Hydra base she’d thrown some of her magic, which always had been very specific in it’s course, had faltered and hit him, square in the head.

And apparently, it had made him forget the last year and a half.

The updates from this year from everyone seem to be shocking, moreso than he ever could’ve expected. For one, Tony stark and him happen to be a type of friends, having moved past what he’d done, Stark helping him regain consciousness and his memories, Bucky living in the Avengers facility as one of them.

It all sounds too good to be true, when (Y/N) sits down and explains it to him, her voice crooning and lovingly soft, in a way that her somehow finds familiar, although he’s sure he’d know if he’d heard something so sweet before.

It’s too good to be true that things worked out for him, that they worked out well enough o have something of a place to come home to.

“You have a family,” the beautiful face he’d awoken to had said that night, looking at him with the most earnest expression he’d ever seen, as if she’d read her thoughts with a once over, “You have a home here. With us.”

_____________________________

As it turns out, Banner is the Hulk, and he was another one of Bucky’s friends. He apparently had been very social this last year and change.

This will fade, according to Bruce. He will come back to himself, the one who knows and loves these people. He will get his memories back.

Two months in, (Y/N) is all he has, really.

She sits with him. She takes care of him. She makes sure he eats, takes his meds, plays board games with him and watches Netflix with him so he’ll never have a bored minute.

She does all of this while looking as close to heaven as a person can get, with a laugh that sounds like a breeze and a face he could spend forever trying to memorize and still never get it quite right.

The ring.

The band itself is small, but the rock’s big, and he knows that whoever gave it to her probably was some man with much more money than Bucky, with much more everything than Bucky, and he knew every time that he looked at it that he had no business looking at her the way he was.

She was awfully hard to pull his gaze from, though.

There was a symbol right there on her hand that her heart belonged to someone else, and there he was, falling in love with it anyway.

This evening, she’s wearing a maroon top and nightie shorts and her eyes are drowsy, with fingers wrapped around a cup of tea (she’d taught him how to make it the way she likes it, it strikes him how familiar the motions feel.)

“Oh, Bruce told me to tell you you’re gonna experience some memories as dreams.” She says it offhandedly, before spooning a bit of ice cream into her mouth.

He feels his mouth go dry, thinking of having to remember meeting the love of her life, watching that gorgeous smile curl around someone else’s gaze. Maybe he was able to cope then, but he fell in love with her, now and surely then, and reliving the man who was ten times better for her, well.

It might kill him, quite honestly.

That night, he dreams the prettiest thing.

_____________________________

“I’m (Y/N).”  The girl said, her hands outstretched and smile bright, Tony behind her, slightly uncomfortable around Bucky. She’s a family friend of the Stark’s, although much younger than Tony, still close and loving to him.

Bucky tries not to stare, but it’s hard; he’s never met someone like her before. She looks too lovely for the world to have conjured up on it’s own.

If he believed in that sort of thing, he’d say a higher power had a hand in her radiating that warmth he feels in the pit of his stomach, wrapping around him like a bow.

“I’ve heard your name is James?”

“Bucky. Call me Bucky.” He even manages to return her smile.

_____________________________

The next morning, she has a cup of coffee on the counter, and she’s sitting on the counter, a smile on her pretty mouth, and he feels the swing in his chest when she says his name.

“Buck! Come on, I made you coffee and I figured we could try and read your favorite book together.”

She holds up a copy of it, and explains how they used to read it together when he couldn’t sleep, and she’d fallen in love with the story as well.

She’s such an amazing friend, he notes, smiling back at her and admiring her, sitting on the counter like she knows Tony will have her head for doing so.

“Sounds great, doll.”

She freezes at the pet name.

It’s a millisecond, really, but he notices it because he’s attuned to her, and what was he thinking? She is not his girlfriend, not even close and never would be. She’s not his doll or his girl, and most likely her being here was a result of her charity, not of her affection towards him.

God, he feels so stupid.

Like he’s 15 again, a dumb kid with a crush on a girl he will never be with. He’s not dumb enough to believe it, and he’s an idiot.

There’s a ring on her finger, and that’s only one of the thousands of reasons why loving her is ill-fated.

_____________________________

“You’re so pretty,” he heard her crooning voice, and his chuckle follows. She’s tired and a little loopy but there’s unmistakable love in her eyes, her fingers trailing up and down his chest, and he adores the feeling of it, her soft fingers running across his skin.

“You’re exhausted,” he murmured, lips pressed to the bare skin of her shoulder, her heart beat almost syncing with his.

“Mm,” she hums again, her voice soft with drowsiness and affection.

It’s a kind of warmth he’s never felt, not in the 40’s and never here, never in this world that chased him down the moment he realized where he was.

“Let’s get you to bed, doll.” She looks like a vision in a party dress, glittery and green with bracelets around her wrist, with color on her lips.

Rouge? That’s what his mother had called it, in her cupboard in the bathroom.

She lets him carry her to bed, smiling up at him like he’s the sun and she’s the moon, and she’d spend forever in his orbit if he let her.

He’s never, ever been looked at like that.

She pulls up her head to meet his lips, then falls asleep quite promptly, her curled hair stretched like a halo behind her.

She is quite like an angel.

_____________________________

Wish fulfillment. He thinks that’s what the doctor called it, when he had dreams about things he wish he could have. It seems to happen more often these days, and he has to differentiate what’s real and what is just something he wishes he could have.

He knows the dreams about her felt vivid, but it can’t have been real- she’s got a ring on her finger he could never afford, and a heart that could never love someone like him.

He’s seen the way she speaks to the agent on top of Bucky’s recovery. And he knows it’s awful of him to hate the guy, to loathe the sight of him but he can’t help but connect the dots of the ring on her finger to the hug she gives him on his way out.

“Who was that?” He hears himself ask. He doesn’t want to know.

“Agent Mackenzie. He’s been a lifesaver with your case, ba-“ She swallows hard, “Bucky.”

Together, they go through photos of them together. Hoping to jog something.

Bucky had thought he must’ve been in love with her before, and these photos- he must have been doing a great job hiding it, because they just look joyful in most of them.

One sticks out, though.

Her eyes are clenched shut, starburst crinkles by her eyes and there he is, giving her that look- like she hung the moon in the sky and he’d placed all the stars in the sky to see that pretty laugh.

He obviously hadn’t been subtle.

_____________________________

The mission is over. He’s home, at the compound and he’s safe, his home steps away and Bucky has never really been intrigued by cliches.

The movie scene picturesque moment of a girl running into the returning soldier- it never really struck him as something he needed to feel in his life. Wasn’t really on his bucket list.

But there she was, smiling and running into him in a way that was anything but pretty, his arms wrapping her up, her head in the crook of his neck. Her holding onto him like he’s some sort of miracle.

Which is funny, because that’s exactly what she is to him.

“‘M home, doll.” He says, joy laced in every word he speaks, his tone breathy and her lips are on his cheek and he feels like something higher has given him some sort of gift.

“You do that again, I’ll kill you myself. Don’t have to wait for Hydra.” She mumbles into his neck, not allowing for either of them to move, which is just fine, if you ask him.

“Noted, sweet girl.”

He kisses her then, and he’s never seen anything so cliche as her hand on his cheek and her body tethered to his.

He loves it, and her.

_____________________________

It can’t be real.

He’s not that lucky.

She doesn’t have her tea with him that morning, she’s busy working on his recovery plan.

He wonders is Agent Mackenzie will be there.

He doesn’t want to know.

It’s three months in, when Bucky’s awaiting what should be an immediate memory retrieval. In full. One day, Banner had said, he will wake up and know everything.

He can’t wait.

_____________________________

Tony and him are having dinner, and Bucky is laughing at one of his jokes, which happen to be very funny. He never knew Stark’s kid would turn out to be such a jokester.

“So, when you popping the question?” He hears Tony say, sincerity in his tone although jovial.

“Huh?”

“You know, gettin’ tied down. Well, I mean, I don’t know if you’re into that sort of stuff. No judgment. Consent and the like.”

“One of these days I’m gonna punch you, Stark.”

“I’m adorable!” Tony laughed, before he resettles on the topic at hand, “(Y/N). You gonna marry her?”

“I, uh,” he pauses. This is something he hates about himself, how unsure he sounds in this sense. Of course, he wants to marry her. She’s the best thing that's ever happened to him. She’s the thing that makes all the pain he’s been through worth it.

The issue is, though, is he can’t.

He can’t afford a ring. At least one she would deserve.

“You know those rings, I’m not sitting on a wad of cash.” Tony looks at him like he’s a dumbass and maybe he is, feeling his pointed gaze.

“Dude.”

It’s stupid, it’s stupid but he wants to make her happy and give her the life she deserves, especially if he becomes her husband.

“I know, but I’m saving up-“

“Don’t be stupid. I’ll float you some cash. Call it an engagement gift.” Tony says it before popping a cherry in his mouth and the words sit in the air, his generosity said like it was nothing when it was everything.

“You don’t-“

“I have known (Y/N) her whole life, Buck,” Tony says, eyes surprisingly genuine. “She was fine before you, but…” Tony takes a sip of his drink, before looking at him again, “But when she met you, it’s like she became a new woman. She’s family and if you’re the key to her smiling like that every day, then I’ll get you the biggest ring in the world, kid.”

Buck freezes, a side of Tony he’s never seen. He doesn’t know how to say thank you, doesn’t know how to say he loves her and he can’t believe they’ve come this far.

They take a shot of whiskey Tony loves and Bucky hates, before Bucky’s grin says everything.

“You hurt her I’ll kill you, without the suit.”

_____________________________

He wakes in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

He falls asleep before he can really think about what he remembered.

_____________________________

“Baby,” he hears himself say, a catch in his throat. God, she’s so beautiful, looking up at him through teary lashes and he could spend forever with her. In fact, that’s what he’s asking.

He’s done it at a party Tony had thrown for “no reason” and there she is, in that same damn green dress, fingers clutching a glass of champagne she’s barely drank from, her sweet smile on her pretty, gorgeous.

“I love you. I mean, obviously. I know you know that, but god it’s like I can feel it on everything I do, like it follows me everywhere I go. And I know I’m an old man with not a whole lot-don’t interrupt me baby, please- but when I met you, it’s like everything I’ve been through, it was all worth it.”

The fall, the soldier he never wanted to be, the life he’d never had a choice in leaving behind- he’d do it all again.

He’s holding a beautiful ring in one hand, looking up at her, isn’t that something? He’s always looking up at her. Fitting. She’s an angel, after all.

“I’d do it again, doll. I’d do it a million times over if it meant I’d get to be with you. And that’s all I’m asking, I suppose. That you have an old man’s heart and I’m beggin’ you to take care of it as long as we live.

“So will you-“

She’s kissing him, smiling up into it, nodding fervent, and is she crying? She’s crying, so fucking beautiful when she cries and when she laughs and when she does any goddamn thing.

“Of course, Bucky. You never even had to ask.”

_____________________________

He wakes up and he.

He remembers.

Remembers when he met her, remembers falling in love with her, who he is, and how lucky he is that she loves him back.

He runs out of his room, and it must be something like 3 in the morning when he sees her, sleepless in the kitchen, kept away from the love of her life.

That ache he’s felt, away from his soulmate- she’s had it too.

“Doll,” he says, and her head whips to him, eyes blown wide and looking at him with astonishment and hope.

Hope that he’d come back to her.

“I remember. I remember everything.”

Then she’s wrapped around him again, like two tree roots melded together and he’s never felt such grace as her being around him. He’s going to spend forever loving her.

“I wasn’t allowed to tell you,” she says, muffled into his tank, “Said it would make it quicker if you organically got your memories back.”

“Sweet girl, I could never be mad at you.” All the nights spent without him, all the days thinking he didn’t remember how to love her.

She kisses him, soft and slow.

“For the record,” he says, smiling lighting up at her like a beacon, “I loved you every moment.”

@frecklesholland @heckin-good-holland  @afoxwonderland@radicalstars @once-upon-a-walking-wolf-demigod@thecreativeangel@barnesvogue@nedthegay@nevaehsuga @the-girl-with-no-plan@llotrr@uglygirlkk@macfullyloaded17@dianileesawsomeness@readixgkodie615@blamebangtan@emgrace728@nedslaptop@dangerousluv1@midtownsparker @loverboy-holland @princeofsassgard@rareunicorntris912 @sammy-holland@livingoffsavvyillusions @painterwithhope@spiderboytotherescue@yoitsnotkim

@pandartist

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[youryuri-x]

₍ᐢ. ̞.ᐢ₎ ʕ•̫͡•ʔ ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎ ᐢ..ᐢ

Today has been up and down

Up and down up and down. It hasn't stopped. Not since morning...all i wanted was for you to have the best birthday.for you to be happy on your birthday. I wished and I manifested. And I'm so so happy to hear have had the the happy birthday you deserve.

Aw you looked so cute today...your birthday sash that was completely adorable on you and odlysuited you really well...i thought you looked so so good in it...every day I look at you.

Hehe you really did look like 'the king of the day' , or whatever it said on that sash...

I take a moment (it many) to take in your beauty. I'm always shocked at how much of an immense amount of beauty you posses...its like every day your beauty gets more and more ethereal...

You always just radiate this aura that attracts me so much...whether it's through your beauty or through anything you do...its just wow.

And today your aura was such a beautiful one. It was almost like you were glowing with the birthday fever of happiness and excitement, and as soon as you were in my presence I felt it too.

Seeing your 15 year old self for the first time was....wow.i

was feeling pretty on edge so when you came over to me as calm and as loving and cuddly as ever it made me so happy. That you stiw had time for me on your special day...it was such a huge comfort for me that you still cared about me even though it was your day...your perfect your perfect your perfect...

I said happy birthday to you and then you said it back hehe. It was rly cute and gave off the kinda clumsy almost shy vibes.... I've never seen that vibe comimg from you before...or maybe it was just me that noticed that.

But yes the highlight of my day personally was that moment.when you came over to me excited and in a lil clumsy shy tizz, and I told you happy birthday and you said it back to me. That was one of the most cute things I've ever seen you do irl...i wanna hear you do it again....

The rest of that lesson, which was English went by.

I got the plesure of being able to look at my birthday boy being happy out of the corner of my eye while trying to write something down about lady macbeth or whatever.but ngl I was definitely more focused on you.

English is that lesson of the day where I can look at your side profile for 50 minutes streight. And I love your side profile just watching you talk to someone or look at the bird or my personal favourite thing to watch is you running your hands through your hair, and from the side I get the best veiw.

I swear most of what I do in English is watch you like your something very very interesting on the TV lol.

But your side profile...its like a ethereal painting of an angel...so beautiful...and also kinds hot at the same time...

But yes you are compleatly mesmerising to watch...so interesting...i physically can't take my eyes off you.

I try and look somewhere else but my eyes wonder their gazr to look back at you. And I don't blame them. Your beautiful so beautiful. My eyes just can't miss such beauty.theh are drawn to your beauty like a moth to a flame...

Sorry if I sound creepy...i probably am..its just that my eyes can't stop looking at you...

You make English lessons such a treat to my eyes..and to my imagination. My current favourite fantasy is of me biting your neck like some sort of vampire lol >~<

I can't help thinking it. Ik it probably sounds weird but your neck just seems to be calling me to take a lil bite.... (sorry im weird asf)

But then the bell rang desrupting my vampire ass fantasies and snapping me back into the real world where I needed to get to physics, and biting your neck unfortunately wasn't my main concern...

Pysics...

I got to the class sat down and..wellt thought about you ngl. Just in a general way. Panicked that everyone else had got you better stuff for your birthday, and that I haddnt done enough, since I was the one with the honour of being your girlfriend.

And I mean your basically a god so it's a pretty big honor...

I between these thoughts I was doing the actual work that needed doing, and turning round to cheak the clock despite having a watch on.

Anything to see a glimpse of you, the light of my life in a dull 50 minute gray morbidity that is also known as Pysics.

The main event in physics was when you walked to the front of the class, allowing my eyes to take in your whole immage. I basically held by breath and just focused on you till I started subconsciously fiddling with my stapler again and gazing at you, basically drooling under my mask and then...

I stapled my mf finger. Your mf beautiful self made me staple my finger. It diddnt really hurt, until it started pissing out blood. I put a plaster on it and it was fine, but it shows how much of a klutz I am, and also how much of a sucker for you I also am...

Then it was breaktime. I gave you your present, and told you not to open it in front of me. Ngl it was a selfish asf thing to say...i was really self conscious...beacuse I knew everyone had got you great presents, especially after you told me that naci had made such an effort for you...

[Ngl I envy naci. She what I want to look like. Be like. I mean she has my old best friend and knows you I should stop lol. But just if your ever reading this, I've been envious of her ever since I've first saw her. Life isn't fair why can't I look like her?! I swear you'd be with her if I wasn't there...shes just wow. I wanna me her yknow lol? 🥺😩😩]

But yes I was really self conscious, and feeling in my full on jelous moody people hate mood, especially for the people who you were friends with...

It was probably down to the 3 hours of sleep I'd been getting for the last week each night, and the fact I'd been on the edge. But I feel really bad for saying that... I should have just lrt you open them...

Ngl I wish I'd have been able to see you put on a smile when you opened it. Put on the bracelet I made for you...too late now, but ig this will be a lesson to future me...

I swear allot of the time I use these blogs for getting better. Like being better to you cuz I read through my mistakes and I try to be better. That's why I'm making a note of these things lol.

Then I went with Angel beacuse I knew if I stuck around I could be a harard, being a jelous sleep deprived slightly Yandere aspie girl, I just decided to remove myself, cuz I was feeling like a big angry self concous raincloud and wanted to stay out of your way to give you the best day possible lol.

So then it was biology a lesson of looking at your extreamly attractive back profile....

And half listening to miss heart go on about the heart, ofc. All i knew was my heart circulates my blood around my body for you. Cuz your the one who makes it beat. And you make it beat fast.

I was watching you..ehehe I sound creepy. I pretty much am ngl. Sorry...i don't wanna make you uncomfy but I csnt help it.

I usually see you and fin pissing about during bio, but this time you squeezed his thigh. It made me pretty angry. That you would do this in my full view. It made me god damn angry, ngl. I mf wanted to lean over the best and squeeze your thigh, just so you'd know I'd seen. But ofc I diddnt do that. I'm too introverted. Doesn't stop me from getting angry and kinda hurt about it.

I mean im usually pretty sensitive about stuff like that. When your too close to someone when you know I'm around, watching or could see it. I try and egnore it with you and Sam. I don't like being angry and sensitive, especially not to you.

But sometimes it feels like I need to set some boundaries. Cuz you clearly dont see that there are boundaries of getting a lil too close to someone in the full view of your jelous asf possessive gf!!

Despite her not saying a word about it ever to you, trying to hint it to you, hoping you'd look back on these times and realise how they make me feel you haven't stopped. Ngl it doesn't bother me in the long term at all. I've got used to it. I got used to it with Sam pretty quick. But I always feel a lil uneasy when your too close for comfort or too flirty with someone else where I can see it even if it is just for a joke.

It makes me more uncomfortable becuase then it's like wtf are you like behind my back? If you think it's ok to do that in front of me? Everytime I think about I start crying ngl tears and all. I like to think I'm special to you and get special treatment I have no idea tho.

Your a charming guy with little boundaries. I don't expect much loyalty...i don't need loyalty I just your affection and love . Sorry for mentioning this if you ever see this pls think over what I've said.

That type of stuff really hurts me. When you do it in front of my eyes the thought thya your doing worse behind my back, even if it isn't serious, even if it's just for a joke.

I'm a sensitive little shit in reality, and I actually cried over your Instagram post becuase my insecure selfish ass was getting uncomfortable abt the video of you and naci >~<

Idk it just diddnt sit right with me that you put it on your ig where I could see. Idk if your seeing what I mean. Put yourself in my shoes about it...

But yes sorry.

Bio ended at it was lunch. I tried sitting with the group and it drained me I needed dto be be somewhere else where I could sink into the world of my mind, and the way I do that is through tumblr. Making sense and note of the things in my head.

I sat by jake. We diddnt really talk there was no need neither us us wanted a conversation I just felt comfortable cuz I knew I wasn't comoleatly alone. Jake was there so I spent lunch manifesting you a happy birthday. Obsessing over you and getting jelous. Being pulled into short depressive random states

Thinking about you. Listening to a capella ariana grande until I felt selfish enough to crawl back into people territory, to get some attention. I wasn't quite on jakes level yet I still needed some degree of people. I pushed down all my negative emotions and watched you lie on the grass for a few minutes, before you went, left me and I cried, becuase my self worth had randomly dropped, and I was thinking about the whole thing I explained earlier. I put on a smile and no one noticed. It made me feel numb. But then I saw how much fun you were having and was happy for the rest of the day, had an emotional high during French cuz I knew you were happy and that's all that mattered.

It was end of the day and time to get on the bus. One of the busses had crashed into my grandads car, the embarrasment of the family (according to my mum) and everyone was talking abt it lol.

I talked to a year 9 who knew kally and ened up giving me a hot spot so I could text you. I heard you liked what I'd got you so I ended on a possitive note.

I did two hours studding with my mum and did an orp with you. I was a lil off then tho I'm so sorry. I'm selfish. So selfish. But I gotta tell you how I feel. I can't hold it in anymore. What I've explained here is the only thing I'll shit talk you for

But yes. I' You've had the birthday you deserve. The birthday you really deserve and it makes m e feel so happy that you've got that. You've finally seen how much you matter to people. How many friends you have. How many people like and love you and I'm so glad you've seen that. Seen the amazing person you are x

. Sorry for being a whiny bitch. In a way I almost hope you see this...

But yes for one last time happy birthday my love x

[raefill]

I would legit love to hear you answers to every single question. I don't know if you feel like actually doing them all, but if you did... I'm JUST SAYING I'D READ THE ANSWERS, ok.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yeaaaah but my romantic prospects are pretty bleak tbh, I graduate and move away in a few months

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?No, not really. But I’m not mad about it anymore.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”CUTE BABY CLOSE BY !!!!!!!!!

4: What’s something you really want right now?to cry, i’m having the big sads

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?always

6: Do you like the beach?i love the beach!!!!!!!!! i grew up in a seaside town, the beach feels like the best parts of home

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?yes ?? it was cramped and uncomfortable 

8: What’s the background on your cell?the photo of me, san, kahl, chez, frau, bagel and spags in the louvre

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?mine(right now), Thea’s, Lizzie’s, .. Keir’s?

10: Do you like your phone?yeah but i’d like it more if the screen wasn’t so cracked

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?lol no, it’s definitely not

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?i genuinely don’t remember !

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?rottweiler, i love dogs that look a little mean but have big hearts

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?pffffft, that’s hard to answer but i’d say generally emotional, most of the time it’s harder to get rid of emotional pain

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?both ?! i want to support the breeding of endangered animals that happens in zoos and see the cute animals but also i love a good rembrandt ?!

16: Are you tired?exhausted

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?since i was born

18: Are they a relative?my mother!

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?not a fucking chance

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?a few hours ago, i think

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?i don’t believe there’s a way to know nor do i think love works that way

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hell yeah i would

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?none!

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?“if you make bad choices, own them” - my dad 

25: What’s on your mind?god, everything, idk im having a high key anxiety day

26: Do you have any tattoos?one pretty big one on my thigh

27: What is your favorite color?black !!!!!!!!!!

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?maybe tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes

29: Who are you texting?uhhh, no one? everyone is asleep

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?yes

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?all the time, my gut rarely lies

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?yes, his name is keir and he’s one of my best friends

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?i mean i’m dating someone so i fucking hope so

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?no ? i dont think ? i’ve had people say they’re big or the colour is interesting but idk

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?i’d cheer her on

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?yes

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?yes!

38: What do your friends call you?rae ?

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?yes

40: Have you ever cried over a text?pffft, yah

41: Where’s your last bruise located?my knee

42: What is it from?i fell over my own computer chair

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?today

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my mum, i think

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?not right now, most i just wear my plain black docs

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?no, i just tie is back

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?no, i really dont like my ears, idk why

48: Do you make supper for your family?yeah, my mum and step dad can’t cook

49: Does your bedroom have a door?ofc it does? what kind of bedroom doesn’t have a door? get these pretentious loft bedrooms out of my face

50: Top 3 web-pages?tumblr, ao3, youtube

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?plenty!

52: Does anything on your body hurt?period pains are all the rage today

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?yeah but i don’t tend to cry until they’ve already left so i look like i take them just fine

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?water......... this morning

55: How is your hair?fine? a bit damaged from the cold weather

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?wish i was still asleep

57: Do you think two people can last forever?yes

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?i dont fucking know

59: Green or purple grapes?GREEN or get out of my face

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?tomorrow~

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?yes

62: When will be the next time you text someone?tomorrow!

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?probably in bed still, but asleep

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.sleeping

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?no, i was getting over the end of a four year relationship

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?no

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?no

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?this sucks

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?many times

70: How many windows are open on your computer?ten! and they’re mostly your fics corey, go figure

71: How many fingers do you have?ten

72: What is your ringtone?i dont know, my phone is always on silent

73: How old will you be in 5 months?22 ~

74: Where is your Mum right now?sleeping in bed probably, idfk, she lives hours away

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?we grew up and grew apart but we were still okay until i had about four-six months of depression where i had to stop myself from doing something stupid daily and he didn’t notice despite us living together and sharing a bedroom (and those times i told him and he shrugged)

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?yes

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?yes! i still love them very much

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?annabelle

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?yes, there’s some grad students in the psych department called mike, they all look kinda the same too

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?yeah, i miss being able to do that regularly

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?more than i can count, my polyamorous ass has a crush on about seven people currently

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?no

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?i’m talking to one of them

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?i’d literally never do this

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?depends which drugs and how often, no one cares about a joint every few months

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?i spilled my popcorn and managed to hide that i had spilled it from my date pahaha

87: Who was your last received call from?my mum, wow it sounds like i talk to my mum a lot more than i do

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?yes, i hate bugs, give me the money

89: What is something you wish you had more of?time, energy, patience, money

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?no, i’m not someone who trusts easily

91: Do you sleep with your window open?only in the summer

92: Do you get along with girls?yes, anyone that doesn’t get on with someone because of their gender is an asshole

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?nope

94: Does sex mean love?hell no, it can be an expression of it but no

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?yeah she wold be freaking the fuck out because she’s locked in a room!

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?no, actually, i haven’t

97: Did you sleep alone this week?yes

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?yes ? 

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?no, not at all

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?one of my besties, holly

[thejourneyblog]

Day 1 in a mental inpatient hospital:

11/25/17

I didn't see this coming. I mean I did a few times but I was usually able

to get back on my feet. But I don't even know what happened, that day,

yesterday. I had cracked. Over something small. I gave up. I realized I

didn't want to do it anymore. Live. Watch funny youtube videos, laugh

with friends, follow my dreams, run adult errands, write poetry. I'm

amazed I'm writing this at all right now. And this was such a deep

bottomless feeling out of no where that I had a panic attack.

I could not stop. I started spinning out. I couldn't stop crying all day or hyperventilating.

I was out to pick up a desk that I never picked up because they were all out.

So I went back to my drive way and tried to figure out how I could come back

to my senses. Maybe I should eat, play a game, walk my dog, rest, go to my

bffs house.. but I was repulsed by every idea. I didn't want to go back to living.

I tried to think about something that could make me happy. But I didn't want anything...

anymore and that is when I couldn't return. I was so scared. I didn't know what

was happpening. Nothing calmed me down. I didnt know what I was supposed to

do. do I run away? What would be the easiest way to die. But I didnt have the energy

to even do those. Then I rememberes, theres a hotline.

I wasn't able to talk much since I was trying to stop hyperventilating. But the responder was smart. She asked questions slowly and paced. We talked for an hour and I told her that I wanted to

donate all of my organs somewhere and that I was done. She helped me get to an ER

to get help. At that point I looked like I had been to 10 funerals and was scaring

everyone. My eyes still hadnt stopped crying. They assigned a nurse to stay at my side

at all times. Probably because I kept saying “IDK” when they asked if I was a danger

to myself. I was in the ER for 4 hours sleeping and crying as they put stickers on

my boobs and took blood and urine samples. I finally decided to answer my sisters

calls and she told me she loved me and that I was perfect. And I was so upset with

the universe at that moment. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I kept trying to make normal decisions, see if there was still some way out of this.

Back to old me. Sane me. But I couldnt. I was done.

Finally they told me about a wonderful place where we do group/art/single therapy sessions and I was admitted.They wheeled me to a room with security gaurds to collect my belongings and scan

me for metal. A nice lady asked me about my thanksgiving while she took me to the

mental health floor. I sat in the hallway while I waited for a nurse to bring me to my

room, with bare feet which didn't bother me. “Shame on INOVA” A nurse yelled giving

me socks and dinner. In the dining room I met some of the other patients right away. Watching tv and having their dinner. Fish with rice and sweet potato and cranberry juice. The fish

was great. I traded my brownie for a raspberry foam thing the other girl wanted. I

didn't care. I hadn't eaten all day. I didn't have a need to. After eating, I was showed to

my room. I didn't see a tv. That was disappointing. I wanted my phone back. But not really.

I thought I'd just sleep and cry some more. But then a girl appeared.

Sibila

“Hi!”

I jumped “hi”

“Are you new here! Let me show you around”

I agreed surprisingly.

“She showed me all the rooms, the game room, the lounge, kitchen, dining, snack room (locked)

Art room (also locked), pay phones, tv room and her room.

She gave me jolly ranchers and seemed super happy. So I did not under stand

why she was here. After that I went back to my room.

But she popped back up.

“My mom brought gyros! Lets eat!”

She dragged me to the kitchen and got me some coffee.

The coffee was perfect. Just what I needed. Which I proceeded to chug black for the next few days,

though it did not increase my energy what so ever.

Her mom was really sweet. Reminded me of my mom:

“sleep helps with depression”

yet I sleep like a baby

I tried to go back to my room but sibila was one step ahead of me

“Art class is starting!”

Art Class

Sibila picked a table in the corner for Victoria and I. A college looking girl with

the same circle as the rest of us, but sweet. But this place was no ordinary art class.

This place looked like a fukin AC Moore. There were lots of templates and wood crafts we could decorate. I didn't feel like doing much so I chose stained glass. I was the quickest

one in the group. The only one to finish a project. It would just give me anxiety to leave

something unfinished. After that we went to the end of the hall and sang pop songs for the rest of

the night. I joined along. Her spirit was so infectious. I tried not to be so low. But when we were alone

eating graham crackers I couldn't help it

“I dont want to live anymore. I cant”

She gave me a pat and scrambled. That was the end of that.

I slept with the lights on that night.

I remember

(hours before admission)

As I was trying to calm down about my problems

Inner voice: your sister will be okay, you just have to

Me: shut up ( monotone)

just stop

I dont want you to fix this

I dont want anything anymore

Im done

Voice: thats not true

Me: maybe I just need to run away for a bit. Take a long vacation

V: nothing will be here when you get back

Me: shhhh

I told you

I dont care

Im sure this has been an interesting study in human defeat

that is all

Break fast

was awful. Watery scrambled eggs. Super moist muffin. Potatoes were decent. Atleast I got to talk to vikki. Shes actually a lot more normal than I thought. Just some mild postpartum psychosis. But it seems like a lot of people come here to get back on track.. I don't know what I want... but I still don't want to go back. To anything. So thats not good..

The Characters

There are surprisingly not many people here. So far everyone has been super inviting and made me feel welcomed. There are the nurses who sit at a desk blocking the elevators. The whiteboard with each hall wing class schedule like school.

People I've met so far:

-Frail lady with a blanket shawl

-The angry boy always yelling at his mom on the phone with an ice pack on his head

- the pregnant lady who loves everyone

-The cute guys who thinks hes a celebrity

-the cute guy who doesn't talk

Sibila of course and our trio Vikki <3

and my room mate who sleeps all day, Doris.

I don't blame her

How are you?

A different nurse or doctor asks every 2 hours

I don't mean to be rude but I'm not going to answer that

I will gladly talk to a therapist about it. I could actually

really use that right about now.

But currently the outcome is uncertain

FOR SOME REASONFSJAODNASODSDMKA

Coping mechanism sheet

Take a time out in room – I slept with the lights on

imagine myself at the beach- no

talk with a peer- call Roslyn

write in journal

write a list of my strengths

write a letter

call a family member

have some tea or coffee

exercise

stretch

stress balls

draw

soft music- not helpfuldnjsadsnadjasdomk

play a game- boring/no energy

tv room – too bright/uncomfortable chairs

meditate-makes me angry

talk with your therapist-where?

Read- ummmmm

count to 10-NO

positive thoughts-try again

walk-what else is there to do

write a schedule for week after discharged- already have a schedule?

Comb hair/freshen up- sibila made me shower

My room mate

Doris has become a bit more talkative. She has the sweetest voice.

She invited me to bingo but I was still knocked out by the meds. She seems

worried about me. After I told the nurse I didn't want to live she asked to switch rooms.

Probably a coincidence.

The head poppers

: Nurses or doctors who pop their head from behind your curtain for a split second

to see where you are like a weirdo

every                     fucking                  hour

Bathrooms

are a fucking joke. Island printed yoga mats with Velcro make up for the doors.

Meaning you can smell and hear everything. One time I walked in on a full toilet.

I thought it was rude until I flushed and realized I probably woke up my room mate.

Oh well

The Bands

Wrist bands, we all wear. Get scanned about 15 times a day. For what? There aren't that many of us. They do it every time we go to a class, have a meal, need meds, get our vitals checked. I just ripped

mine off today because it is so uncomfortable and now all they do is ask for my name.

The more you know

How are you: Update

Today I yelled: “BAAAAAAADDDD jesus...”

but atleast he finally asked something different

“Do you have anything to live for”

“Yes, but I don't care”

I should probably stop acting like this. I think its triggering doris

Sibila made me a belated birthday card. It was super random, but also the sweetest

most important thing right now.

Lights

Ive been sleeping with them on every night so far. She likes them off but hasnt

said anything about it. Im just surprised the nurses allow it. I dont know why I do it.

I just sleep better. But maybe for tonight, just for doris, Ill turn them off.

Strengths

Believing in things I can not do

Visits

Mom brought me some fresh clothes and friends brought me candy

I managed to change into a fresh top and leggings and started to feel a bit better.

Might attend group tonight.

Update: group was boring and unhelpful

Doris

Apparently hates me

Fights

Atleast when you fight with someone here, they forget, and you can be friends again

The Suitcase

Today in art class I chose a wooden project. A suitcase. I decorated it like the night sky since stars calm me. Inside I placed a folded piece of fabric and some bead charms that would represent everything I would leave behind if I go:

Sunflowers- My family and friends

Stars and moon- nature

Korean symbols- knowledge

Buddhist hand- my wonders for the universe

teddy bear- my future possibilities

gold bracelet- material loves

Spiral- myself

blue diamond- hope

totem- values

colorful ball- passions

I still could not feel anything about it but I hope this is the old me trying to tell me something

Sibila

Has an eating disorder. She gave me a paper of her schedule and every hour said diet underneath

I notice that she doesn't really eat. Unless her mom brings her something.

Quotes

When you are a child, you have hopes and dreams of everything you want your future to be.

When you get older, you have plans for what you think will make you happy: A home, a job, love. But we all know that the future is unpredictable. We are not supposed to know what is going to happen anyways. Because if we did, that would be boring, or scarier, if possible. But you see, I had a moment, where I could see where my future was heading, and it was horrifying, and I just.. gave up.

Something positive

I decided to read the quotes in the dining hall.

“maybe the biggest opportunity is where you are standing right now”

A letter

Dear world,

I dont know if there is anything you could have done to prevent this outcome.  You didnt do anything that great or that horrible to me. None that I can think of at this moment

that I care to blame anything on. You just did, you just are. And we just live. And we just die.

But to my understandning,

ive enjoyed the beauties

and the perfect uglies

and im good

so lets wrap this up. Some might think I should be stronger

but nope. Its my choice.

Everyone here

says the same things

“when can I leave”

“gimme my stuff back”

Nurse james

is really fucking cute

I think he likes me because

he took my vitals even though mine was already taken today

did not object

Update: Never mind. All the nurses do this.

Doris

Likes old british rock music

Look up “the smiths”

Limbo

This morning I woke up and did not know anything. I did not know who I was or where I was

I had not a single thought. I felt like a newborn baby. I had forgotten that I was alive, ever alive,

or that there was even a life to live.

This did not break my heart as much as it should have.

And you want to know what happened next?

I got out of bed and used the bathroom when a nurse walked in and saw my face

and seemed annoyed at my unwelcoming presence

“Are you ever happy! Smile! You are beautiful and will be out of here in no time!”

My room mate applauded and agreed.

Hello

My name is priscilla and I am suicidal. I still can not imagine myself outside of this place. Even though I do not want to be here for long. Every time I try to tell myself that I owe my mom and sis, that I need to work harder, itll be okay, try to find love, I have to stop. Those things usually motivate me. But everyting short circuits me right now, and I do not know why.

I said good bye

On the last day, I decided to go to group

There was a young teacher asking ice breaker questions and only a few people this time. The old man who hears voices, Doris, Indian girl with translator, Taiwanese man with translator and me. I talked about my dad. That out of anything, the only thing that hurt or really mattered, was him not being there. I was the only one who cried that session. I left on good terms though. I wanted to talk and I finally got to. I thanked her genuinely. I left a note for nurse james. I said goodbye to cute billy, the one who talks to celebrities. Sibila, vikki and I got discharged together and we are now friends. The last days have felt like months and I can still taste the watery eggs, which I only tried once. But at least the worst is over.  

[the-jade-goblin]

for the pester me ask, would it be too much trouble to ask you to answer all the numbers? or as many as you can do! i can't think of one thing in particular i want to ask! you don't have to if you don't want sorry if im bothering you!

oho anon that is not too much trouble at all, answering questions about myself is a favourite pastime of mine. strap in kids its gonna be a bumpy ride

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

yes, this is him. this wreck of a human being

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

it was my dad, and yeah sure because he didn’t mean to so it’s okay

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

um, my cat i guess?

4: What’s something you really want right now?

motivation would be nice. the will to live? even better!

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

not of the love part, just the jerkface that will most likely ended up hurting me. im in love with so many fictional characters already so im not afraid of that

6: Do you like the beach?

sometimes, i have to be in the mood or else the sand getting everywhere will just piss me off

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

with someone else? i dont think so, only by myself

8: What’s the background on your cell?

this, my husband. natrually 

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

i dont even know what this means tbh

10: Do you like your phone?

yeah its pretty good, better than spending my life savings on an iphone

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

fam if i planned to be broke, single, and living in squalor while being totally satisfied with my stagnant existence than yeah sure

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

my boss

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

i dunno, im not much of a dog person, but a poodle i guess?

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

physical. i can do emotional all day every day i aint got no soul anymore anyway

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

as much as i love animals, its sad seeing them in captivity, even if its probably better for them then being in the wild. plus i love art, so an art museum

16: Are you tired?

i am always tired my dude. i dont remember ever not being tired

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

like about 10 years

18: Are they a relative?

nope, my best friend

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

FUUUUUUCK NOOOOOO. All of my exes were abusive, fuck that

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

I havent spoken to my last ex in like, six months or more

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

if i knew without a doubt they were the right person hell yeah i’d marry them. i’d marry my best friend right now if she’d let me

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ew no. my ex was a disgustingly bad kisser and he’s a dick

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

right now, none

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

“no one can do you better than you, so do you and do you well”

25: What’s on your mind?

the inevitable and impending doom of death

26: Do you have any tattoos?

nope, but i want some. but im a pussy im scared of pain

27: What is your favorite color?

purple or green

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

literally never. its disgusting and id rather set myself on fire

29: Who are you texting?

my group chat friends who i organize kpop merch/cds buying and selling with

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

yeah i think it was my couch.

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

you mean like, every day? because yeah

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

eh, not really.

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

i sincerely doubt it

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

my ex-girlfriend said that a couple times

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

i literally wouldnt care

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

yeah i’d broken up with my ex by then (he gave me my V Day gift as a ‘plz take me back’ thing, i took it and still said get out of my house)

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

hell no.

38: What do your friends call you?

apart from various nicknames to do with being a trash human being, mostly just T since my name is hard to nickname, or just my name

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

thankfully no, its only thursday

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

yeah when my second-last ex broke up with me by telling me he’d been lying to me through our whole year-long relationship and never actually cared about me in the first place and that he just dated me because he felt bad for me since i was sad i just broke up with my girlfriend

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

my hip. 

42: What is it from?

i run into the counter at work a lot

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

oh when i just got home from my trip to japan and my now-ex picked me up from the airport and i remembered how uncomfortable he made me and i wanted nothing more than to be alone and away from him

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my dad

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

yeah, they’re reeeally worn now, i need to get a new pair

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

no i just deal with my ugliness

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

nope, hell no.

48: Do you make supper for your family?

i cant cook

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

yes

50: Top 3 web-pages?

tumblr, youtube and like i dunno facebook i guess?

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

yeah one of my friends

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

my neck kinda

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

i dont even do the goodbye thing i literally just walk away to avoid it

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

like milk i think

55: How is your hair?

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

complain

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

you mean like a relationship, or immortality? 

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

i was like 11 so yeah

59: Green or purple grapes?

green motha fuckaa

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

probably when i move in with my best friend in February 

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

preferably in a big warm library surrounded by books in a comfy chair with a fluffy blanket over me

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

monday when my friend tells me she’s here to pick me up

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

in this bed like i am right now, scrolling through tumblr like always

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

sleeping 

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

yeah my abusive ex

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

my many fictional husbands and wives, my kpop group members. but someone i actually know, like i guess my best friend

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

nope

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

‘fuck why cant i fucking sleep this is bullshit’

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

literally the story of my life

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

three. tumblr, youtube and facebook

71: How many fingers do you have?

all of them? 8, 2 thumbs

72: What is your ringtone?

my phone’s been on silent since 2008 dude

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

22

74: Where is your Mum right now?

probably at work

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

because a) she lives in texas and i live in australia b) she was abusively controlling and manipulative and i had to get out of that situation

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

nope

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

yep

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

ew yes hahaha gross 

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

my best friend’s step dad i guess, he’s a dick

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

my ex a few times. its really uncomfortable.

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

real people? none. fictional people? way too many

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

nope

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

well i mean i could replay the arcana and see julian again

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

ew. i would never do that in the first place bc i dont drink nor do i harass strangers out of car windows.

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

yes, bc fuck that im out of here immediately. 

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

i mean, we nearly got killed going to a maccas at 2am by a homeless dude, and we also tried to cook pasta in the microwave bc the hotel’s hotplate wasnt working, and i also was suuuper tired and was screaming nonsense wrapped up in a doona and crashed into a glass door.

87: Who was your last received call from?

my bestie telling me her landlord said i could move in

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

i mean, i guess? like thats a bitch move and id be super sad but im a broke ass homie ok i need the money

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

motivation. seratonin or whatever that chemical your brain makes that makes you happy

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

yeah like everyone i’ve ever dated

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

only if its super hot

92: Do you get along with girls?

hell yeah girls are awesome

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

no

94: Does sex mean love?

sex means me throwing up

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

fuck yeah, someone better unlock the door before that fuck ends up dead

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

no

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

yesssss andits greeeeat

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

sure, my bestie always makes me happy

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

i guess. i dont know if i even feel love so im not sure how i would tell

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

what am i 12?