#braced myself for the goodbye because it’s all i’ve ever known

[tryingandfailingish]

maybe i’m just a swiftie but taylor actually wrote Mine about cleuce

[reviewsdefinitionofsatisfaction]

Taylor has been lying on Joe since You’re Losing Me (Important Thread)

I’ve been confident in this theory since Midnights, but didn’t know how to spread it. Taylor is now blatantly lying about Joe and rewriting history. SHE was the one who didn’t want to get married, and Joe broke up with her over it. She chose fame over marriage, and the evidence is all over her music.

Ever since I heard “Mine” I instinctively knew Taylor was afraid of marriage. It’s the classic child-of-divorce case. “You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes.” / “Brace myself for the goodbye ‘cause it’s all I’ve ever known.”

Her fear of marriage continues throughout her discography. Don’t let “Lover” and “Paper Rings” fool you—those were false promises to Joe at the start of their relationship. Listen to “champagne problems,” a song she and Joe co-wrote. What couple writes a song about breaking up because the girl is terrified of marriage 4 years into their relationship? Why, one where that’s happening, of course. “Your Midas touch on the Chevy door,” aka how she always references Joe turning things to gold. And don’t forget “Renegade,” a song where in the music video SHE is the one anxiously staring out the window being told to “open the blinds.” (“Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything or do you just not want to?”, the lyric referring to Joe asking for marriage) This was a song written by Taylor from Joe’s perspective at the time. “I tapped on your window on your darkest night” (referring to Rep era) / “Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night.” … “And then you squeeze my hand as I’m about to leave.” (Joe’s POV) / “It’s on your face, don’t walk away, I need to say…” Taylor was the one always blowing up on him and then apologizing, as illustrated in Afterglow, The Great War, and most obviously her post-breakup behavior. Joe was NOT the volatile one of the two (also supported by articles released by her team, stating Joe’s personality was “great for Taylor” because “he is very calm”).

Then, just look at Midnights. The Bejeweled music video (which Taylor wrote and directed) is the clearest thing. A video all about choosing pop-stardom over a ring from a prince? While she and her boyfriend are having marriage disagreements? Hmmm. Interesting. Seriously, just go watch the intro to that video and tell me Taylor was the one fighting to get married behind the scenes.

Midnights lyrics: “He wanted a bride, I was making my own name. Chasing that fame.” (a person who WANTS to get married would NOT be writing this song!!!) “All they keep asking me is if I’m gonna be your bride. The only kind of girl they see is a one night or a wife.” “No deal the 1950s shit they want from me. I just wanna stay in that lavender haze” “I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser.” “I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money. She thinks I left them in the will.” (accompanied by elaborate scene displaying family-related anxieties in music video)

This is someone who is terrified of marriage and being an adult. I believe she launched herself into a fame-hug to avoid confronting her issues with Joe at this late stage in their relationship. After he broke up with her, she realized how deep of a mistake she made during the Eras Tour. Hence, the big lie in “You’re Losing Me” (which was written THEN, in 2023, conveniently dropped during the Matty Healy controversy) and her daring him to “say something” about the lie. (False God lyric: “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this, staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town.” When they fight, he was always the one ignoring her craziness.) And soon after, her peculiar surprise song choices on June 23: “Paper Rings” (“I’d marry you with paper rings”) and “If This Was A Movie” (“If this was a movie, you’d be here by now”).

The initial breakup article by People (Tree Paine’s mouthpiece) even outlines this story. “According to multiple sources, Swift and Alwyn had been ‘talking about marriage as recently as a few months ago.’ But at the end of the day, the couple wasn’t ready for a future together. ‘Taylor didn’t see them working out in the long run,’ says the insider.” This was before she wrote YLM, trying to provoke him, and now she will be driving it further with this new album I’m certain she wrote during 2023, NOT 2 years ago like she and Jack are trying to push. Her having Jack drop YLM’s “2021 date,” and then liking that tweet implying Sweet Nothing was not about Joe (when it was clearly about Joe)… she’s rewriting the narrative. You can’t trust a word she says.

[ohmydamgods]

Taylor Swift songs I associate with Riordanverse couples

(Inspired by @thedamwaterboy)

Percabeth:

Mine (Speak Now):

“Do you remember, we were sittin’ there by the water? You put your arm around me for the first time”

“You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded. You say we’ll never make my parents mistakes”

“Braced myself for the goodbye, Cause’ that’s all I’ve ever known. Then you took me by surprise. You said, ‘ I’ll never leave you alone ’

Jump Then Fall (Fearless)

“Every time you smile, I smile. And every time you shine, I’ll shine for you”

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet, I'll catch you, I'll catch you. When people say things that bring you to your knees, I'll catch you. The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry, But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

“Whoa oh, I need you baby. Don’t be afraid, please jump then fall, jump then fall into me.”

You Are In Love (1989):

“Morning, his place. Burnt Toast, Sunday. You keep his shirt, he keeps his word. And for once, you let go. Of your past, and your ghosts. One step, not much, but it said enough.”

“One night, he wakes, strange look on his face. Pauses, then says, ‘You’re my best friend.’”

“And you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars. And why I’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words. ‘Cause you can hear it in the silence. You can feel it on the way home. You can see it with the lights out. You are in love, true love.”

New Year’s Day (Reputation):

“Don’t read the last page. But I stay, when you’re lost, and I’m scared, and you’re turning away. I want your midnights, but I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day.”

“I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town, babe. Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home.”

“Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I can recognize anywhere.”

I Think He Knows (Lover):

“He got that boyish look that I like in a man. I am an architect I’m drawing up the plans. It’s like I’m 17, nobody understands. No. One. Understands.”

“I think he knows he’d better lock it down, or I won’t stick around, ‘cause the good ones never wait.”

“Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh. We could follow the sparks, I’ll drive.”

Mastermind (Midnights):

“Once upon a time, the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned. You and I ended up in the same room, at the same time. And the touch of a hand lit the fuse. To a chain reaction of countermoves.”

“I laid the groundwork, and just like clockwork, the dominoes cascaded in a line. What if I told you I’m a mastermind? And now you’re mine. It was all by design. ‘Cause I’m a mastermind.”

“All the wisest women had to do it this way. Because we were born to be the pawn in every lovers game. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Strategy sets the scene for the tale.”

“No one wanted to play with me as a little kid. So I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since, to make them love me and make it seem effortless.”

“And I swear, I’m only cryptic and Machiavellian ‘cause I care.”

[televinita]

Am listening to Taylor Swift music again, and have been seized by the need to talk through some of her older albums -- favorite songs, personal history, whatever comes to mind. Maybe in yet another attempt to try and figure out my overall fave / ranking of them as a set? No real order is planned for this so I thought I’d start with this one, because I realized I actually hadn’t listened to it in quite some time.

(I don't really know what this mini-project is going to be but I’ve been noodling on it for a few nights and now seems as good a time as any to share.)

Background/Overview

When it was new -- and a 2010 Christmas present for me -- it was my favorite of the three, but now I'm not sure. The thing is that it has several songs I like better than the entirety of Fearless (except for #1 fave Change), but it also has a handful I find less interesting compared to that one’s “13 track listings, stars beside them all” success, and I can’t decide how to weight that. It does absolutely have the prettiest cover and booklet, though.

Songs

Ask me my favorite song on this album and I’ll say without hesitation Long Live. I don’t think that will ever change; it’s in my all-time-faves across her whole discography. The twin/companion piece to Change, it never fails to make my heart sing. It came out after I was an adult but it still makes me nostalgic and occasionally teary as hell for high school. Bonus association: this was my mental soundtrack for the end of Glee season 3 too (”for a moment, a band of thieves in ripped-up jeans got to rule the world").

Runner-up faves are Haunted, which really lives up to its name (Wuthering Heights-haunted style, maybe... between the electric guitar tearing open the scene and the chimes, the instrumentation is epic; this may be the only song that actually loses emotional impact as an acoustic/piano version), Better Than Revenge (which is my not-even-that-guilty pleasure and I will JAM OUT to it to this day; "no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity" is SAVAGE and I love it), and The Story of Us ("looks like a lot like a tragedy now" is one of my favorite quotes to bust out in episode reviews about ‘ship destruction, or was when I still did those), which is similarly jam-out-worthy. Ooh, and Sparks Fly is one of those songs where I'm like, "WHY wasn't this a single, it's so good." I’m actually always kind of surprised that one isn’t the album opener; “my mind forgets to remind me you’re a bad idea” is my anthem for giving shows/ships/characters/episodes way more chances than they deserve. (Grey’s Anatomy. We’re mostly talking about every time I dip back into the Grey’s Anatomy waters). In slow-songs-I-like territory: Enchanted, which is frankly too pretty for the person it’s actually about (but helpfully easy to apply to anyone and relevant to every listener’s life). And Back to December, which suffers rather unjustly from my knowing that it’s about The Boring Taylor, because I used to automatically skip it about half the time, yet every time I actually listen to it I'm shocked to realize it’s way prettier than I remember. Both musically (when male vocals...enhance?? a taylor song??) and lyrically.

As far as the other singles, I kind of killed Mine for myself with overplay, but I do think it's one of the strongest singles she's ever released...and as I’m listening to it now, I think it might be back! What good music, what a sweet scenario, and how much do I love the “brace myself for the goodbye / ‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known...” part.

Mean is fun and deservedly sassy, although it too is recovering from overplay (with the added demerit of being covered in the worst, least appealing possible way on Glee and feeling tainted forever. Once upon a time this was in my top 5 for the CD). Speak Now is fun too, but also...damn, so much more juvenile and mean-spirited to me now than Better Than Revenge. You don't help a dude ditch his bride at their wedding! If he shouldn't be marrying her you talk to him BEFORE THE CEREMONY???? I have definitely lost enchantment with this one over time.

One I don’t know how to feel about: I have to be in the right mood for the song so I don’t always let it play through, but as a late bloomer homebody and perpetual looker-backer, the second half of Never Grow Up really kicked me in the heart when I first heard it. I thankfully never ended up having to experience this, but "here I am in my / new apartment in the big city / they just dropped me off / it's so much colder than I thought it would be / so I tuck myself in, and turn the nightlight on" really described all my deepest fears about graduating from college and still brings a twinge at the mere thought.

On the downturn: unpopular opinion but while Dear John is full of great lyrics, it’s just so damned slow that I skip it almost every time. I’m really hoping it gets reinvigorated by a Taylor’s Version, because whenever I give it a chance, I just end up freshly disappointed by the wasted potential.

Innocent is slightly more compelling music-wise, but still rather slow and often skipped, not least because it just...feels weird. Uneven. There are some great lines and a good idea buried in here, but with its history and context it's so patronizing even when I’m on Taylor’s side that it ends up cringe.

Meanwhile, Last Kiss doesn't even exist to me. It covers the same criminal territory as Back to December but it's EVEN SLOWER. Bonus Tracks I didn't hear them until the end of 2012 and even then only as standalones on Spotify, separate from the album associations, I absolutely love all three, more than the last 5 or 6 above in fact. Ours is the companion piece / sequel to "Mine," If This Were A Movie is sweet, and Superman is so cute and catchy.

[edhellfire]

‘  i’ll  brace  myself  for  the  goodbye,  because  it’s  all  i’ve  ever  known.  ’

@scarredfeathers

"Shut the fuck up, Jewel."

There's a first time for everything. That was the first time Eddie had cursed at Jewel, and the first time he'd told her to shut up. Actually, it was also the first time he was genuinely angry at her. Eddie was downright pissed. "You're not doing that." He shook his head. "You're not gonna stand here and pretend that I'm somehow going to leave you when you and your dad are leaving Hawkins in three months and you hadn't told me." He paused. "Yeah, Jewel, I know."

[ghostofyou-u]

I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street, brace myself for the goodbye cause it’s all I’ve ever known and you took me by surprise, you said I’ll never leave you alone.

You know when mine came out it hurt me sm because I thought this is my life, someone will follow me and reassure me but I never got it.

[fantasytraderjoes]

i was too young to appreciate Mine when Speak Now was originally released but now?? i was a flight risk with a fear of falling wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts!!! i brace myself for the goodbye because that’s all i’ve ever known but you took me by surprise, you said “i’ll never leave you alone” !!! you made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter!!! you are the best thing that’s ever been mine!!!!!

[garfieldsladybird]

I had a realization and a breakdown because of a Taylor Swift song called mine… I always listen to the song. but I just broke down at this one part- *sniffles*

And I remember that fight, two-thirty am,

'Cause everything was slipping right out of our hands

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye,

'Cause that's all I've ever known

Then, you took me by surprise,

You said, "I'll never leave you alone"

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water, And every time I look at you, it's like the first time, I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter, She is the best thing that's ever been mine"

— The bold is what broke me! kind of forget the middle lines in the last part because it’s like- ngl messed up but it’s beautiful! all of this is. but wow. I don’t know if I want to share what I learned and why i cried. i just was just like wait- and then i started listening to the lyrics, making the connections and I fucking started crying. because- ABHHHHHH wow this is crazy 😜

[theoriginalsapphic]

my favorite st ships and the taylor swift songs i associate them with.

Byler – Daylight

my love was as cruel as the cities I lived in / I’ll tell you the truth but never goodbye / I don’t want to look at anything else now that I saw you (I can never look away) / I don’t want to think of anything else now that I thought of you (things will never be the same) / threw out of our cloaks and our daggers because it’s morning now / I’ve sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night and now I see daylight / I once believed love would be burning red but it’s golden like daylight / you gotta step into the daylight and let it go

Lumax – This Love

hide tide came and brought you in / and I could go on and on / currents swept you out again / and you were just gone and gone / this love is good, this love is bad / lantern, burning, flickered in the night for only you / in losing grip on sinking ships / you showed up just in time / this love left a permanent mark / this love is glowing in the dark / this love is alive back from the dead / these hands had to let it go free / and this love came back to me

Jancy – Mine

I was a flight-risk with a fear of falling / wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts / you made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter / you learn my secrets and figure out why I’m guarded / you say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes / you saw me start to believe for the first time / braced myself for the goodbye because that’s all I’ve ever known / you said ‘I’ll never leave you alone’ / you’re the best thing that’s ever been mine

Jopper – invisible string

time, curious time / gave me no compasses, gave me no signs / time, mystical time/ cutting me open, then healing me fine / were there clues I didn’t see? / something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire / chains around my demons / wool to brave the seasons / hell was the journey but it brought me heaven / one single thread of gold tied me to you

Elmax – New Romantics

we show off our different scarlet letters, trust me, mine is better / we're so young, but we're on the road to ruin / we play dumb, but we know exactly what we're doing / but every night with us is like a dream / heartbreak is the national anthem, we sing it proudly / we are too busy dancing to get knocked off our feet / we team up, then switch sides like a record changer / baby, we’re the new romantics / the best people in life are free

Ronance – Treacherous

put your lips close to mine, as long as they don't touch / out of focus, eye to eye, 'til the gravity's too much / and I'll do anything you say if you say it with your hands / this hope is treacherous / this daydream is dangerous/ I can't decide if it's a choice getting swept away / forever going with the flow but you're friction / your name has echoed through my mind / nothing safe is worth the drive and I would follow you home / this slope is treacherous and I like it

[sadprosed]

𝑳𝒀𝑹𝑰𝑪  𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑻𝑺.

↬   SPEAK  NOW  ( 2010 )  by  taylor  swift.

taken  from  or  inspired  by  the  lyrics  of  the  album.

+    feel  free  to  change  pronouns  !

‘  i  left  a  small  town  and  never  looked  back.  ’

‘  why  do  we  bother  with  love  if  it  never  lasts  ?  ’

‘  i  can  see  it  now.  ’

‘  you  are  the  best  thing  that’s  ever  been  mine.  ’

‘   we’ve  got  nothing  figured  out.  ’

‘  i’ll  brace  myself  for  the  goodbye,  because  it’s  all  i’ve  ever  known.  ’

‘  you’re  the  kind  of  reckless  that  should  send  me  running.  ’

‘  meet  me  in  the  pouring  rain.  ’

‘  give  me  something  that��ll  haunt  me  when  you’re  not  around.  ’

‘  my  mind  forgets  to  remind  me  that  you’re  a  bad  idea.  ’

‘  keep  on  keeping  your  eyes  on  me.  ’

‘  i’m  so  glad  you  made  time  to  see  me.  ’

‘  your  guard  is  up  and  i  know  why.  ’

‘  you  gave  me  roses  and  i  left  them  there  to  die.  ’

‘  it  turns  out  freedom  meant  nothing  but  missing  you.  ’

‘  the  cold  came,  the  dark  days  when  fear  crept  into  my  mind.  ’

‘  maybe  this  is  wishful  thinking.  ’

‘  i’d  go  back  in  time  and  change  it,  but  i  can’t.  ’

‘  don’t  say  yes,  run  away  now.  ’

‘  this  is  surely  not  what  you  thought  it  would  be.  ’

‘  i  lose  myself  in  a  daydream.  ’

‘  i  know  you  wish  it  was  me.  ’

‘  i  am  not  the  kind  of  boy  /  girl  / person  who  should  be  rudely  barging  in  on  a  white  veil  occasion.  ’

‘  long  were  the  nights  when  my  days  once  revolved  around  you.  ’

‘  i  count  my  footsteps,  and  pray  that  the  floor  won’t  fall  through.  ’

‘  i  was  losing  my  mind,  but  i  swore  i  was  fine.  ’

‘  you  paint  me  a  blue  sky,  then  go  back  and  turn  it  to  rain.  ’

‘  you  should  have  known.  ’

‘  i  took  your  matches  before  fire  could  catch  me.  ’

‘  you  can  take  me  down,  with  just  a  single  blow.  ’

‘  someday  i’ll  be  living  in  a  big,  old  city.  ’

‘  all  you’re  ever  going  to  be  is  mean.  ’

‘  you  have  pointed  out  my  flaws  again,  as  if  i  don’t  already  see  them.  ’

‘  somebody  made  you  cold,  but  you  can’t  lead  me  down  that  road.  ’

‘  someday  i’ll  be  big  enough  so  you  can’t  hit  me.  ’

‘  i  used  to  know  my  place  was  a  spot  next  to  you.  ’

‘  lately,  i  don’t  even  know  what  page  you’re  on.  ’  

‘  is  it  killing  you  like  it’s  killing  me  ?  ’

‘  how  did  we  end  up  this  way  ?  ’

‘  you  held  your  pride  like  you  should  have  held  me.  ’

‘  i’d  tell  you  i  miss  you  but  i  don’t  know  how.  ’

‘  the  battle  is  in  your  hands  now,  but  i  would  lay  my  armor  down.  ’

‘  the  story  of  us  looks  a  lot  like  a  tragedy  now.  ’

‘  it’s  so  quiet  in  the  world  tonight.  ’

‘  it  could  stay  this  simple.  ’

‘  i  won’t  let  anyone  break  your  heart.  ’

‘  i  wish  i’d  never  grown  up.  ’

‘  it  was  enchanting  to  meet  you.  ’

‘  your  eyes  whispered  ‘have  we  met  ?’  ’

‘  this  night  is  sparkling,  don’t  you  let  it  go.  ’

‘  i’ll  spend  forever  wondering  if  you  knew.  ’

‘  now  i’m  pacing  back  and  forth,  wishing  you  were  at  my  door.  ’

‘  this  is  the  very  first  page,  not  where  the  storyline  ends.  ’

‘  my  thoughts  will  echo  your  name  until  i  see  you  again.  ’

‘  please  don’t  be  in  love  with  someone  else.  ’

‘  please  don’t  have  somebody  waiting  on  you.  ’

‘  i  never  saw  it  coming,  i  wouldn’t  have  suspected  it.  ’

‘  you  underestimated  just  who  you  were  dealing  with.  ’

‘  there  is  nothing  i  do  better  than  revenge.  ’

‘  sophistication  isn’t  what  you  wear  or  who  you  know.  ’

‘  do  you  still  feel  like  you  know  what  you’re  doing  ?  because  i  don’t  think  you  do.  ’

‘  show  me  how  much  better  you  are.  ’

‘  you  really  did  it  this  time,  left  yourself  in  your  warpath.  ’

‘  wasn’t  it  beautiful  when  you  believed  in  everything  ?  ’

‘  who  you  are  is  not  where  you’ve  been.  ’

‘  you  wouldn’t  be  shattered  on  the  floor  now,  if  you’d  seen  what  you  know  now  then.  ’

‘  you  and  i  walk  a  fragile  line,  but  i  never  thought  i’d  live  to  see  it  break.  ’

‘  something  made  your  eyes  go  cold.  ’

‘  don’t  leave  me  like  this.  ’

‘  i  thought  i  had  you  figured  out.  ’

‘  i  still  mean  every  word  i  say  to  you.  ’

‘  something  keeps  me  holding  on  to  nothing.  ’

‘  i  can’t  breathe  whenever  you’re  gone.  ’

‘  you  told  me  you  loved  me,  so  why  did  you  go  away  ?  ’

‘  i  don’t  know  how  to  be  something  you  miss.  ’

‘  your  name  is  forever  the  name  on  my  lips.  ’

‘  i  feel  you  forget  me,  like  i  used  to  feel  you  breathe.  ’

‘  i  never  planned  on  you  changing  your  mind.  ’

‘  you  held  your  head  like  a  hero.  ’

‘  bring  on  all  the  pretenders,  i’m  not  afraid.  ’

‘  one  day  we  will  be  remembered.  ’

‘  long  live  all  the  magic  we  made.  ’

‘  when  they  point  to  our  pictures,  please  tell  them  my  name.  ’

‘  i  had  the  time  of  my  life  with  you.  ’

[loveisbraveandwild]

thinking about the lyrics “braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all i’ve ever known then you took me by surprise you said, ‘i’ll never leave you alone’” and how taylor’s shared the story of when she told joe to leave because she’s too complicated and it’s too complicated to be with her and he just looked at her and said “no” and refused to leave and how that's when she really really knew he was the one

[imjustwritingg]

braced myself for the goodbye

Hi friends! This is an 8x11 speculation fic as requested. All the talk of that amazing promo and the concerns of a possible Upstead breakup took me down a seriously deep rabbit hole of feelings and angsty goodness that became this one shot. Title is lyrics from the song “Mine” by Taylor Swift. Enjoy lovelies!

TW // mentions of domestic violence 

Also on AO3 and FFNet!

Braced myself for the goodbye,

'Cause that's all I've ever known

Then you took me by surprise

You said, "I'll never leave you alone"

Twelve hours ago Hailey’s morning had started out so wonderfully. She had been half asleep, anticipating the sounding of her alarm to wake her for the day, but instead she was woken up with Jay’s lips ghosting over her skin. It was dreamlike, a glimpse of what heaven could be. She had smiled uncontrollably, wiggled against him, and when she rolled in his arms to face him she was greeted with a grin and his sleepy voice saying good morning.

“A very good morning indeed. Not a bad way to get woken up. Who’d have thought that elite Detective Jay Halstead would be such a sap? And a cuddler too.”

He had rolled his eyes at her, but there was a playful smirk on his face and he just pulled her closer against him. His arms wound under and around her and his hands pressed against her back. The feel of his fingers had sent goosebumps shooting out all across her skin.

“I think you love it,” he told her as he casted quick glances between her lips and her eyes.

“I do love it,” she said while moving her hand up his chest and around his neck to the back of his head.

He hummed out a response and leaned his head down closer so that little space was left between them.

“I love you,” he confessed.

He hadn’t given her a chance to respond and instead pressed his lips against hers for several moments, swallowing the moan that escaped her and not waiting or expecting her to say the words back.

The moment he said them and his lips were on hers, Hailey felt like she was floating. She knew she loved him, she had for a while, and a part of her knew he loved her too, but hearing the words as they fell from his lips was something she didn’t think she’d ever forget. It put an ache in her chest that was so good she wished she could bottle it up and keep it for forever.

The moment was cut short when they’d been interrupted yet again by a ringing phone and before she could say the words back that she so desperately wanted to say to him, they had to get dressed and head into the district. What Hailey hadn’t anticipated was the case they’re pulled into wrecking her beyond comprehension.

What was supposed to be a simple wellness check quickly turned into a search for a missing family and an ugly domestic violence case that Intelligence took the lead on. And in the process of connecting the dots and weeding through the lies of an abuser, Hailey was forced to remember her past and the monster her own father had been while she was growing up. The monster he could still be.

By the time the case is over and the last of the files have been closed, Hailey is completely deteriorated from the workday. She just wants to crawl into bed and try to forget, but when she enters her apartment she quickly spots a hoodie hanging over the back of her couch that doesn’t belong to her. Suddenly her heart aches again as she thinks about her partner.

Jay had been an anchor for her throughout the day just as he’d always been since they became partners. He kept her grounded without being overbearing, letting her know he was there for her and by her side. But as the day went on Hailey reflects on the abuse she doesn’t think she’ll ever really fully move on from.

Weekends that were supposed to be spent having fun with her brothers and being normal kids were instead spent running to the nearest sibling’s bedroom and locking the door when her father had drunk one too many beers.

His voice was always so loud when he was yelling that Hailey could swear the whole house would shake. He’d start downstairs, shouting at her mother, knocking his fists into her first, and when she’d sink to the floor or pass out he’d go in search of Hailey or one of her brothers.

There are moments she can remember so vividly hiding in so many places to avoid her father’s hands or whatever belt or cord he had been able to find. The back of a closet, the bathtub, under the dining room table, the shed out back when it wasn’t too cold. She’d spent so much of her childhood hiding and fearing her father, watching the relationship between him and her mother zig zag and spiral, that most days Hailey’s not sure how she turned out to be even remotely sane or normal by any means. She remembers how he’d always apologize to them all, tell them he loved them. Like loving someone and beating the crap out of them were synonymous and one in the same.

She tries so hard to not compare her life with her father to her relationship with Jay, but she can’t help it. She knows deep down that her partner would never think of hurting her the way her father has, but after the day she’s had and the too much time she’s had to think, she’s also unsure if she can love him back the way he deserves. She wonders if maybe it was a sign from the universe when they were interrupted earlier in the morning before she could say the words back to him that he so easily could say to her.

Maybe she wasn’t supposed to say them.

Maybe she wasn’t supposed to love him.

There’s a knock that breaks Hailey out of her thoughts and she makes her way to the door. She glances through the peephole and sighs.

Of course it’s him. Who else would it be?

She considers not opening it, but then thinks of what she has to do and the conversation that needs to be had so she opens the door and forces out a smile as she looks up at her partner.

“Hey,” Hailey nearly whispers.

“Hi,” he says back with a half-smile.

She lets him enter the apartment and closes the door behind him. She makes her way towards the kitchen, leans back against the island, and then nods to the couch.

“You left your hoodie here,” she tells him.

He glances to the couch and looks back at her, gives a short nod. “I didn’t come here for my hoodie. I wanted to see you, make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m...dealing,” she says slowly, as if trying to find the right words to say.

He waits for her to start and steer the conversation, but when she doesn’t he takes a small step towards her.

“Do you want me to leave?” He asks even though it’s the last thing he wants to do.

She shakes her head, but it doesn’t give him the relief it should. Not when she’s looking at him the way she is, as if she’s about to give him the worst news of his life.

“We should talk. I’m sure you have questions,” she says as she crosses her arms over her chest.

“Maybe, but you know you don’t need to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with, Hailey. I’m not gonna push you,” he tells her.

She does know, but she also knows she has to do this while she still has some nerve left.

“I need to tell you this. I need you to understand.”

He nods and gestures to the couch. “You wanna sit?”

She shakes her head and he shuffles his weight to his other foot as he stuffs his hands into his coat pockets. He can tell she needs a moment. He’s always been able to read her, give her exactly what she needs without saying a word, so he waits until she takes a deep breath and then she speaks.

“I don’t think I ever really learned relationships,” she starts, but her eyes don’t meet his as if she’s somewhere else entirely and not standing there in the same room with him.

“My parents didn’t exactly give me and my brothers the greatest example of what one should look like. My dad - he used us all like his own personal punching bags. And my mom, she took it. She just took it every single time and I never really understood it when I was little. Five year old me couldn’t understand why daddy was hurting mommy. It got to a point where it was just normal, expected. And as I got older, I still didn’t ever fully understand it. I think maybe it just happened so much that it was burned into my mom’s brain that, that’s what love is. That it’s okay if someone hurts you as long as they say they love you and they’re sorry after.

“I’ve had boyfriends and I’ve loved them, or tried to anyway, but relationships haven’t ever been easy for me. It’s like a what-if game constantly playing in my head, like a voice in the back of my mind that I can’t ever silence completely. And it gets loud. It gets so loud sometimes. The second-guessing and the wondering if there’s an ulterior motive for things someone says or does. It’s something I’ve never been able to turn off. It’s something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to turn off. Like it’s burned into my brain too. There are parts of me that are just unfixable. Parts of me that I don’t think will ever fully heal.”

There’s a look on her face that Jay knows all too well and he braces himself for what’s about to come. He watches Hailey lean back against the island and she tightens her arms across her chest almost defensively. He doesn’t say a word though, just gives her a nod telling her to continue and waits for it.

“Being your partner is easy for me, Jay. Being your friend is easy. And I know we didn’t ever label whatever it is that we’ve been doing, but I don’t really know how to be a girlfriend. Especially a girlfriend who works with their boyfriend. I’ve tried it before and I don’t know how to be that person. Maybe it’s because of my parents. Maybe I just don’t really know how to love either and that’s not fair to you. Even with Garrett. I know I loved him, but I just – I didn’t know how to. And in the end he paid the ultimate price for loving me.”

Hailey pauses, takes a breath, and then continues. “I don’t wanna hurt you, Jay. I don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve been so good to me and I like being with you, but I – I don’t...”

She looks away from him as she blows out another breath, unable to finish her sentence, but he does it for her.

“You want it to be over,” he says.

The dejected tone of his voice sends a pang through her chest and she nods her head slowly as she meets his eyes again. There’s a sadness in them she doesn’t think she’s ever seen before.

“I think that might be best for both of us. I shouldn’t have – I thought I could do it. That night in the bar when I told you about the job offer and you kissed me? I wanted that for so long. I wanted you. But I’m beginning to realize that just because you want something it doesn’t mean you should have it. And I would never forgive myself if I hurt you down the road by saying or doing something stupid in the heat of the moment. Not after everything you’ve already been through. You don’t deserve that and you shouldn’t have to live with that possibility or my issues. You shouldn’t want that. So, yeah. I want it to be over for both of our sakes.”

She’s not sure what he’s thinking and it’s the first time in a long time that she can’t read him, but it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want to do this, wishes it could be different. That she could be different. But it’s not and she’s not, and she’s afraid that if it doesn’t happen now then both of them will just hurt each other later. So she does the hard part for the both of them, ripping it off clean like a Band-Aid, and ignoring the sting it leaves.

She’s not sure how much time passes as she watches him and waits for him to speak. She can tell he’s thinking too hard, digesting what she’s told him, and the longer he’s silent the more she thinks that her decision to end it all right here is the right call, but then he surprises her when he looks up at her with glistening eyes full of love and compassion and understanding. Everything that he is. She’s not sure she deserves it.

Jay shakes his head slowly as he looks at her from a few feet away. He’s kept his distance, not wanting to make her feel cornered or not in control of the conversation and situation, but then he takes a few steps toward. His eyes burn into hers and she feels her heart pounding relentlessly inside her chest.

“You said you don’t know how to love, but I don’t think that’s true. Hailey, if it weren’t for you being my partner, for your friendship, your love for me - platonic or otherwise, I wouldn’t be here right now. I probably wouldn’t be alive right now.”

His voice is low, almost guttural, as if he’s lost his voice and it’s too painful to speak, but he keeps his eyes on her and goes on still.

“Hailey, you’re the person who loved me enough to make me realize I needed therapy. You’re the one who loved me even after knowing about my own past and the demons I have. My PTSD, what happened with Erin, my dad. You showed me every time you’ve stuck by my side and trusted my decisions even when others didn’t. You showed me when you chose to stay here instead of taking that job in New York. No one has ever chosen me over anything like that before. Not even my own brother. You have showed me countless times you love me without ever saying the words. But that word means something different to you because of your family and I get it. I don’t need to hear you say you love me to know that you do.”

He takes slow, hesitant steps towards her until he’s standing in front of her within arm’s reach to still give her, her space. He looks at her with tears still in his eyes, trying to keep them from falling, as he watches her own roll down her cheeks now.

“I’m not going anywhere Hailey. I know things haven’t been easy for you, they haven’t been fair or made sense. Life hasn’t been kind to you, but that doesn’t make me care about you or love you any less than I do, and it doesn’t make you unworthy of receiving that love either. The things you do for the people in your life, complete strangers even. You have the biggest and most beautiful heart of anyone I’ve ever known.

“You deserve this Hailey. We both do. I know you’re scared, I am too, but not because of your past. I’m scared of losing you. We don’t need to define anything or put a label on it if that’s what you wanna do. Girlfriend might be a bit of a weak term for you anyway when you’re so much more than that. We can take it one day at a time, take things as they come, but I want this. I want you. I wanna be with you.”

“Jay, I - “

“If you really want it to be over between us then I’ll respect your decision and I’ll walk out the door and we’ll never talk about it again. All I’m asking for is a chance to show you how it’s supposed to be, that love can be good. That it is good. That it doesn’t come with conditions or ulterior motives. That you deserve every good thing in this world. And I’ll be here to remind you when you think you don’t.”

He can see the wheels turning in her head, but her eyes are everywhere except on him now and he can’t quite read the look on her face, and it scares him.

There’s a fleeting moment where he knows he won’t come back from this, that she was it for him, but he won’t push her. He won’t do that to her. And when she finally meets his eyes again, but doesn’t say a word, he ignores the crushing of his chest and the sinking of his stomach, and takes a step forward to close the distance between them.

He knows what this is now.

Why she mentioned his forgotten hoodie. Why she didn’t wanna sit. Why she’s kept her distance.

She wasn’t intending for him to stay.

He lifts an arm slowly, not wanting to scare her, and rests the palm of his hand against the side of her face. He brushes his thumb over her cheek like he has a dozen times before now, realizing a second later that this might be the last and it sends an ache through him again. He leans forward and presses his lips to her forehead, lingering a few beats longer than he should, but if it’s the last time he kisses her he’s going to savor it. He removes his lips and drops his hand a moment later, and steps away from her.

When she still doesn’t speak all he can do is give a slow nod before he turns for the door. He doesn’t make it three steps before she calls out to him, her voice shaking and his name cracking in half as it falls from her lips. He stops mid-stride and she notices the slight hesitation from him before he turns around to face her, and then she sees that his tears have fallen. Tears for her. For them.

She knows what she is about to do is the hardest thing she’ll ever do and it’s terrifying, but not as terrifying as it would be if she let him walk out her door for good.

“I want that with you. The good kind of love. I want it and it scares the hell out of me,” she breathes out through hiccups and fresh tears.

It’s all he needs and then he’s walking towards her. He wraps his arms around her, holding her close and tight against him with one arm around her back and his other hand holding her head to his chest.

Her whole body shakes and she can’t stop crying now as she leans into him. And then she whispers, “I do love you and I want you to stay.”

He squeezes his arms around her in their embrace and presses his lips to the side of her head.

“I’ll stay,” he tells her, knowing it’s the only thing she needs to hear from him.

Her eyes close at the sound of his words and her entire body goes limp in his arms. It’s the first moment since the mess of their day on the job that she finally feels herself fully relax and be at ease. She grips his shoulder with a trembling hand, the rest of her body still shaking, but he continues to hold her up and hold her against him like the anchor he’s always been for her.

She knows he means staying more than just tonight and there’s a moment, maybe for the first time in her life, where the future doesn’t worry her or scare her. Not when it includes him, them.

[if-music-be-the-food-of-love]

Loving the Alien

Just a little oneshot I wrote because Herbots grew a beard this summer, and thus Robbe did too. Rated T. Cross posted on Ao3 if you prefer reading it there. -> Link

***

“I honestly don’t know what to think about this,” Sander said, leaning on the door jamb, his eyes focused on Robbe’s face.

“Then don’t. Easy,” Robbe replied with a shrug and a wink. He took a green bottle from the cabinet above the sink and set it on the counter before pulling a razor and a pair of scissors out of a drawer. He set them next to the bottle and then turned to face Sander, arms crossed, his hip leaning against the counter. “Okay, what’s the problem?”

Sander dropped his gaze, smiling secretly at the floor, and sighed dramatically. “I just can’t decide. That’s the problem.”

“Sander, you can’t decide what?” Robbe asked, rolling his eyes, but Sander could tell he was only partially exasperated. His dark chocolate eyes shone with curiosity, and he now gazed at Sander expectantly.

Lips twitching, he took two steps forward and cupped Robbe’s furry, though somehow still soft, cheeks in his hands. He pressed the barest whisper of a kiss to his lips, and then resting his forehead against Robbe’s, he murmured, “I can’t decide whether you’re hotter with this beard or clean shaven. It’s a real problem.”

Robbe snorted, and his whole body convulsed forward. His forehead clipped Sander’s jaw, and he stepped back, a little giggle escaping from his lips. “Really, San? That’s your problem?”

Sander pushed back the curtain of russet waves that had fallen into Robbe’s face, and shrugged, saying mock seriously, “It’s a legitimate dilemma, Robin. Put yourself in my shoes. Your boyfriend is hot as hell, and then he goes and grows a beard over vacation. Suddenly he’s even hotter--something you didn’t think was possible by the way--and you don’t know what to do with yourself.” He gave Robbe a pointed look. “I seriously had to control myself in public, and it was not easy.”  

Robbe rolled his eyes again and opened his mouth to interrupt, but Sander placed a finger across his lips.

“Sometimes,” he continued, “I just look at you, and you’re so fucking sexy that I can’t breathe. I literally have to stop and remind myself to inhale. I thought that was some stupid cliche in books, but no. Of course it’s real, and of course it would happen to me. Because of you. And then you grew this fucking beard...and I don’t think I’ve been able to think straight since.”

Robbe removed Sander’s hand and kissed his knuckles before holding it between his own. “I don’t think you were exactly thinking straight before,” he teased. “That would kind of defeat the purpose.”

Sander couldn’t help himself. A barking laugh burst out of his mouth, and he shook his head. “Well, if you’re going to go there. I haven’t had a straight thought since we met.” 

“Good,” Robbe said, pecking his lips lightly. “You may continue flattering me.”

“No, I’m done. Your head is big enough.” Sander crossed his arms and shrugged, leaning against the sink opposite Robbe. “If you’re not going to take my suffering seriously--”

“Suffering my ass!” Robbe scoffed, giving him a playful shove.

Sander grinned. “Yes, suffering. To know how hot you are both ways and to only be able to experience one at a time. Absolute torture. Seriously unfair. You should be ashamed of yourself, causing me all this pain.” His eyes twinkled with mischief.

“You-- The fuck, Sander, you--” Robbe smooshed his hand into Sander’s face, pushing him back as he rotated his wrist. Sander’s head rocked side to side, and he couldn’t help grinning, watching Robbe grasp for words.

“Gah! You--” Robbe continued to sputter, “Dork. You absolute dramatic, soppy dork. Oh my God, if people knew...I don’t think they’d believe me if I told them. No one. You want unfair? That’s unfair. You walk around looking all mysterious and aloof when you’re really just the cheesiest romantic ever.”

“Hmm.” Sander tilted his head to shake Robbe’s hand off, and then, placing his hands at Robbe’s waist, he tugged him in, capturing his mouth in a hard, fast kiss. His lips traveled to Robbe’s ear, leaving a few light kisses across his cheek, and he whispered huskily, “That all sounds very accurate, and you’re right no one would believe you.” He bit Robbe’s earlobe, briefly tonguing the small hoop earring. Robbe squealed and pushed him back, panting to catch his breath, eyes glaring.

Feeling very pleased with himself, Sander leaned back against the counter, saying coolly, “I still don’t know how I feel about you shaving it off. It’s grown on me. At first, I thought a chipmunk had moved onto your face, but now…”

“A chipmunk!” Robbe squawked indignantly.  “Weren’t you just waxing poetic about how sexy you thought it was? And anyway," he quirked an eyebrow, "I can’t put myself in your shoes." Using his best talking to a baby voice, he explained with pursed lips, "This adorable, sweet, baby face,” he pinched Sander’s cheek and then followed it with a light smack, “can’t grow a beard. I think you’re just jealous.”

“Hey!” Sander cried, swatting his hand away. “I happen to enjoy not having to shave all the time.”

Robbe took his hand and pulled him closer, kissing his shoulder. “And I enjoyed not having to shave this summer. But now, I’m tired of it, so it has to go.”

Sander wrapped both arms around Robbe and put on his best pout, eyes sad and pleading, bottom lip sticking out.   

Robbe laughed, slipping his hands into Sander’s back pockets. He gave Sander’s ass a squeeze and hugged him tighter. “You’re ridiculous.” He lifted up onto his toes and bit Sander’s thrust out lip, sucking it into his mouth before letting it slide out between his teeth. He let go with a ‘pop,’ and then wiggling his hips suggestively against Sander’s, he added, “If I shave, then you know what will happen?” He swayed them side to side, slowly, teasingly, hips pressing harder into Sander. One hand slid up Sander’s back, disappearing into his hair. He pulled Sander’s head down and kissed him, lingeringly, lips soft, tongue searching, slow and deep. 

Sander practically melted into his arms, his limbs turning to jello at the mere suggestion of Robbe’s hips, at the taste of his lips, his tongue. Robbe’s beard brushed softly against his cheeks and prickled the edges of his mouth. He was going to miss this, the delicious dichotomy of the longer soft hairs on his cheeks that tickled his skin and the shorter ones around his mouth that poked him and caught him off guard. He lifted his hands to Robbe’s cheeks and rubbed his palms up and down as they kissed, reveling in the scratch, the drag making his hands tingle. This was nice.

Robbe’s lips moved to his neck, and Sander took the opportunity to nuzzle his cheek and nose into the whiskers at Robbe’s jaw. They tickled and tingled, sending bolts of electricity to his toes. This was very nice.

Robbe’s lips traveled up his neck, the stubble leaving a burning trail that contrasted with his wet, open-mouthed kisses. So nice. This was so nice. It was such a different experience, so many different sensations. He was really going to miss this.

Robbe hugged him even closer, bending himself backwards, and then murmured into his jaw, “If I shave, I’ll have my 10:00 five o’clock shadow again, and I know how much you like that.”

It took Sander a moment to process his words, so overwhelmed by his hands and body and kisses, but when it registered, he stood tall abruptly, pulling out of Robbe’s embrace. “Done!” Sander loved the bare whisper of stubble on Robbe’s face, the dark shadow that heightened his features and made him look dead sexy. He could sacrifice the beard to have that back. Yes he could. He waved his arms vaguely at the razor, and said, “You have my permission.”

Robbe stood still, momentarily stunned, and then he burst into motion, laughing hysterically and falling forward to brace his hands on his knees to catch his breath. “Fuck, Sander. You’re giving me whiplash.”

“Don’t blame me. You knew exactly what you were doing. Kissing me like that. Then exploiting my weakness for your permanent five o'clock shadow. You have no one else to blame,” he said, crossing his arms with a smug expression.

“You know,” Robbe said, coming forward and poking him in the chest, “I don’t need your permission. It’s my face.” 

“No, you don’t,” he agreed, an adoring smile lifting his lips. “Can I say goodbye first?”

Robbe's expression softened immediately. He raised his eyebrows, clearly perplexed, and nodded, “Sure.”

Lifting his hands to Robbe’s cheeks, he gently stroked the longer hairs on his jaw with his fingers, curling them to trace his knuckles up and down and then opening them to feel it one last time on his palms. It felt both familiar and alien, both soft and rough. It had been a totally new sensation, kissing and touching Robbe this summer, a joy he hadn’t known he wanted, and soon it would be gone. He leaned forward and lightly brushed his cheek against Robbe’s and then tucked his chin to rub his forehead all over Robbe’s face, making him giggle again. He kissed both cheeks and left one more light peck on his lips. “Okay. I’m done. You may proceed.”

Robbe’s eyes remained closed for a moment longer, his chin lifted as if chasing Sander’s lips. Slowly blinking his eyes open, voice coarse, he said, “I almost don’t want to now.”

Sander’s eyes shot up from where they had lingered on his mouth, immediately zeroing in on Robbe’s teasing gaze. Then it was his turn to roll his eyes. He fluffed Robbe’s wild hair and said, “But you’re still going to.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah. It’s starting to itch.” He sighed, scratching his chin for effect. Then his demeanor changed, and he looked up at Sander from underneath his lashes, eyes dark and suggestive. “But don’t worry. I can grow it back any time, and then you can feel me up all you want.” He paused, delightedly watching Sander squirm before him, as he knew he would (sometimes being so predictable and completely at the mercy of one’s boyfriend was incredibly unfair). Robbe blew him a quick kiss and then followed it by poking his chest again and adding, “Unlike you.”

“Fuck you!” He brushed at Robbe’s hand.

“Later, baby,” Robbe said with a wink, and then he rose up to give him one last kiss. He patted Sander’s cheek playfully and said, “I love your doofy, soft, baby face. It’s perfect. Now go!” He turned Sander around and gave his ass a light smack before shoving him out of the door.

“I’m not entirely sure that was a compliment,” Sander called back over his shoulder. He could just see Robbe grinning at him as he pulled his hair out of his face into a bun. Holy fuck, he was hot! The beard was one thing, but if Robbe ever wanted to cut his hair short, Sander was prepared to stage a full-on revolt. He would mutiny. He loved Robbe’s wild, wavy locks. No matter how he styled his hair, it always looked like he’d just rolled out of bed, and Sander adored the sleep rumpled look. He was particularly fond of it when it was actually in bed, scattered across a pillow, but the fact that he could see it all day long was a bonus. Yes, Robbe’s hair was a treasure, and he’d use every tool in his arsenal to protect it, including guilt and begging, if necessary.

The beard could go. He’d save his energy to fight the real battle if and when it happened.  

 Sander had only just settled on a playlist to listen to while he scrolled through his phone when Robbe called him back to the bathroom. That was quick!

He pocketed his phone, leaving the music on, and trekked across the room.  “Done already?” he asked, walking straight in.

“Nope,” Robbe said, turning to face him with a broad grin and excited eyes. “What do you think?”

It took Sander a few moments to process what he saw. His first thought was that Robbe hadn’t even started because he still had whiskers, but then he noticed that Robbe’s cheeks were smooth and that his mouth now sported an oval-shaped goatee. “Wha--?”

Robbe snorted and rested his hand on the counter for balance. “Looks ridiculous, right?”

“Uhh...err...hmmm…” Sander struggled to respond coherently. He didn’t know how he felt about the goatee. It was definitely weird. It was Robbe’s face, his Robbe’s face, but he didn’t look right. Was it creepy or just new? He settled on, “Makes you look older.”

Robbe inspected his face in the mirror. “Maybe I do look older.” He winked at Sander's reflection and said, “We have established that you like older men, so I don’t think this is a problem.”

“Uhhh,” Sander grunted, brain misfiring. He cleared his throat and tried again, “Uh, you’re not...you’re not keeping it, right?” He met Robbe’s gaze in the mirror. “Right?”

Laughing again, he elbowed Sander lightly in the stomach and said, “Of course not! I just thought it would be fun to see what I looked like with a goatee.”

Sander exhaled, relief pouring out of him. He loved Robbe no matter what, but the goatee was too much too fast. The beard had grown on him gradually. The goatee was just...disturbing. “Good,” was all he said.

Robbe met his gaze in the mirror, a knowing look in his eyes. “You hate it.” 

He hesitated, “It’s...different.”

Robbe turned around, leaning back on the counter. “You hate it,” he insisted.

Sander sighed, “I hate it.”

“Well, now we know. No goatee,” he said, pecking Sander’s lips and then shoving him back out the door. “On to part two.”

Rolling his eyes, Sander asked, “Should I even leave at this point?”

“Yes!” he said emphatically.

“Fine. See you in three seconds.” He waved over his shoulder and headed back to the couch, pulling out his phone on the way.

It was significantly more than three seconds later when Robbe called him back. He walked into the bathroom with one hand over his eyes, asking, “Should I even look?”

“Hell yes! Sa-an, this is hilarious.”

Sander peeked through his fingers and immediately dropped his hand in shock. “No. No. No. Nope. No way. Absolutely not. No.” He waved his hands like a referee and shook his head for emphasis.

Robbe had a mustache. A creepy, crawly caterpillar mustache, sitting above his lip. It wasn’t a full mustache, more like a swath of hairs sticking out every which way in the general shape of a mustache, but Sander didn’t think more shaping would improve the effect. It creeped him out on a visceral level. 

“What?” Robbe asked, feigning ignorance. “Freddie Mercury had a mustache.”

Sander coughed and cringed. “Yeah, in the eighties, and I would say I’m a much bigger fan of his talent than anything else, especially his mustache. Much bigger. Ro-obe, get rid of that thing,” he whined.

“Wha-at?” Robbe whined back. “You don’t like it? Don’t you love me? What if I like it?”

“Don’t even pretend. I know you don’t. I love you, but it’s hideous Robbe. Absolutely not.”

Robbe cocked his head and then shrugged, smiling goofily. “You’re right. It’s awful. Now come over here and give me a kiss.” 

He reached his hands towards Sander’s face, pursing his lips into an exaggerated pucker, and Sander took an automatic step back. “Uh, uh, no. Not while that’s on your face. No kisses until it’s gone.”

Robbe stuck out his lip in a pretend pout and crossed his arms. “I should keep it just to spite you.”

“I’d shave it off in your sleep,” Sander chuckled. “Okay, let’s compromise.” He kissed Robbe’s cheek. “Now get rid of that thing, and I promise to kiss you senseless.”

“Deal,” Robbe said, but then he curled his fingers in Sander’s shirt and yanked him forward, sneaking in a surprise kiss on the lips. 

“Ble-yee-ack,” Sander sputtered, pretending to wipe the kiss off his mouth. 

Robbe cackled with glee and practically jumped up and down like an excited schoolgirl, thoroughly enjoying Sander’s disgust and dramatics. 

“Thought that was funny, hmm,” Sander huffed. Before Robbe could respond, he thrust out a hand, and pinched Robbe’s side right at his most ticklish spot. Completely caught off guard, Robbe nearly collapsed sideways. Sander caught him, but instead of setting him upright, he pinched and tickled Robbe’s other side with his other hand, causing him to lose his balance and fall against Sander in a fit of giggles. 

“You win. You win. Stop. Stooooooop.” 

Sander stilled his fingers and set Robbe back on his feet, brushing back the hairs that had fallen out of his bun. He kissed his forehead and then turned to leave. “I’ll see the less disturbing version of you in a minute.” He stopped at the door and looked back over his shoulder. “Still love you though.” He winked and walked the few steps back to the couch, collapsing on it backwards, knees bent over the backrest.

He closed his eyes, listening to the combination of his music and Robbe puttering about in the bathroom. He smiled to himself, a feeling of warm contentment washing over him. He was so lucky, so ridiculously lucky. He loved teasing Robbe, and Robbe not only enjoyed it, he teased him right back, giving as good as he got. It felt so wonderful to completely trust another person, to completely trust his good intentions, to believe in his love, and he knew the feeling was mutual. He had the best boyfriend in the world. Facial hair or no, loving him was easy, as natural as breathing. He was so fucking lucky.

A finger poking his nose pulled him out of his thoughts. He opened his eyes and couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. Robbe leaned over him, upside down at this angle, face smooth and shiny from aftershave. “Hey, sexy,” he whispered. Fuck, he was so hot.

“Hey,” Robbe repeated shyly. 

Sander rolled over and stood up, immediately pulling Robbe into a hug and thrusting his face into his neck, breathing in the familiar smell of shaving cream and aftershave mixed with soap and skin. 

He pulled back and looked Robbe over, eyes darting all over his face. “You look and smell delicious.” He ran a thumb over Robbe’s soft cheek and cupped his neck before kissing him gently on the lips.

“What was that?” Robbe asked indignantly, brown eyes glittering like a naughty imp. “You said you were going to kiss me senseless. That wasn’t even--”

He was cut off by Sander lifting him off of the ground in a bear hug. He was halfway to Robbe’s bedroom before Robbe caught on and wrapped his legs around his waist, kissing him all over his face. 

Sander finally captured his lips in a sloppy kiss right before they tumbled into bed, where he proceeded to kiss Robbe senseless, among other things.

Yeah, he had the best boyfriend ever. He could live without the beard.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Out Of Time ~ 122

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 3,000ish

Summary: A rollercoaster.... yep, that’s all I got.

Tony immediately called Happy to pick them up. The streets were busier now, so there was no way that Y/N and Tony walking wouldn’t be noticed. Happy was surprised and relieved to see Y/N. He knew not to ask questions, but Y/N could feel them turning in his mind. Thankfully, Tony had a private elevator from the building’s garage to his penthouse. 

The penthouse was beautiful, not like Y/N expected it to not be. Tony was a billionaire after all. As Tony made a phone call to Pepper about not making his meetings today, Y/N walked around. Along the walls, there were pictures of Tony throughout his life. His young inventor years, him and Rhodey in college, him and Happy, him and Pepper. There was a picture of Tony and Maria, even one with Howard and Tony. As she continued she saw photos of her and Tony and the team. There was one of Harley and Tony, which looked to be fairly recent, and another one with Tony and a teenage boy.

“See you’ve found the wall,” Tony commented, walking up behind her. “Or, as Happy and Rhodey call it, the story of my life.”

“I’m surprised you have all these out,” Y/N said, motioning to the wall. “Especially—“

“The ones with the Team?”

“Yeah.” Y/N nodded.

Tony sighed, looking at the photos. “I like to remember the good ole days. The days before…”

“Before it all went to hell.” She turned at smiled softly at the man beside her. “I get it.” She turned back to the wall and pointed to the picture of Tony and the unknown teenager. “Who’s this?”

“Oh, that’s Mr. Peter Parker. Otherwise known as Spider-Man.”

“There’s a Spider-Man?”

“I forgot that I didn’t get the chance to introduce you to him. Parker helped me at the… well, it doesn’t matter. He’d really fan over you,” Tony chuckled. “Maybe I’ll see if he can stop by after school.”

“That would be nice.”

“He’s smart like Harley. I’ve been trying to introduce the two, but they’ve both been crazy busy.” Tony started walking to the kitchen. “Harley got early acceptance to MIT.”

“Really?” Y/N asked, excitedly, as she followed Tony. “That’s so good.���

“Full ride. And I’ve offered to help with any extra expenses.” He reached into a cupboard, grabbing two glasses.

“That’s really kind of you.”

“It’s the least I can do. After all, without him, I wouldn’t have been able to save you from Killian all those years ago.” Tony got out some orange juice and started pouring it into the glasses.

“All those years ago?” Y/N giggled. “You make it sound so long ago. It was barely 4 years ago.”

“Well…” He pushed a glass over to Y/N. “A lot has happened since then.”

“That’s true.” Y/N slowly nodded, taking a sip. “How’s Rhodey?”

“He’s almost done with physical therapy. I have him in, like the, uh… mark 6 or something, of his braces. They’re really helping.”

“That’s good.”

“I’m planning on developing them so that more people like him can walk again.”

“You’re too good for this world, Tony…”

Tony laughed. “No, I’m not.”

“You hide it under a facade, but you are Tony.”

“I think—“

“Boss,” FRIDAY interrupted. “Secretary Ross is on the line. He says it’s urgent.”

“Doesn’t he always?” Tony muttered, rolling his eyes. He pointed at Y/N. “Stay silent. We can’t let him know that you’re here.” With a nod, Y/N responded. “Alright, patch him through FRI.”

“Stark,” Ross barked over the intercom system. “Y/N has been spotted in New York City.” Both Y/N and Tony froze, looking at each other with wide eyes. “A camera caught her face in Central Park.”

“Don’t run,” Tony told Y/N through his thoughts. “Please.”

“I’m working with local authorities as well as my own team to see if she’s still in town. I need you on it as well.”

“Can’t today. Busy.”

“This is an order, Stark.”

“Still, can’t. It’s my day off. I’m planning on putting some time in the lab. And spending some time with myself, if you know what I—“

“Stark! This is serious. I don’t care if she was your girlfriend. She needs to be found and brought in.”

Y/N took a step back, opening a portal behind her. Her and Tony’s eyes never left each other’s.

“Fine,” Tony conceded. “I’ll get on it right away.”

“Keep me updated,” Ross ordered before hanging up.

“So…” Y/N whispered. “You gonna turn me in?”

“Never.” He shook his head. “I’m going to go out and take them off your scent. You need to stay here.”

“Tony, I can’t—“

He rushed to her, grabbing her arms. “Yes, you can. Because you promised me one night. And I can’t bear to see you go without a goodbye again.”

“Then let me say goodbye. I promise it won’t be forever. I was so stupid for walking through the city like that.”

“Would you have sought me out if I hadn’t found you?”

“… I don’t know… I honestly don’t know. I’m sorry, Tony. For everything.”

He gripped tighter, but not enough to hurt. “Don’t go. Please.”

“I’m sorry, Tony. I’m so sorry.”

Tony quickly responded with his lips on hers. He poured everything he had wanted to say in the past year into that kiss. Y/N willingly reciprocated the kiss. As the kiss deepened, Tony carefully moved his hand into his pocket. He pulled out a thin bracelet. As he held onto Y/N’s wrist, he slipped it on. Y/n felt it as is tightened around her wrist. 

“What did you just do?!” She exclaimed as she pushed herself away. She looked down, holding her wrist. “What is this?!”

“I’m protecting you!” Tony defended.

“By what?! Tracking me?!”

“It’s not a tracker! It’s to keep you here!”

“You think this can stop me from leaving?! You don’t even know if it works!”

“I DON’T CARE! YOU AREN’T LEAVING ME AGAIN! I can’t… I can’t take it.”

Y/N took a step back, tears pooling in the corner of her eyes. “And you think this—“ She help up her wrist, “—will make me want to stay with you?”

“I just want to keep you safe…. You have to understand that. I’ve already lost so much.”

“Everything’s not about you, Tony…” She shook her head slightly. “I can’t believe you. Trying to keep me stuck here… Like, some sort of prisoner.”

“Do you even know what it’s like? I’ve watched you almost die, multiple times. You disappeared on me after losing our baby!”

“I do know what it’s like! I’ve watched you be put in harms too! If you remember, I’m the one who had to close the portal! You almost died because of the arc reactor! You wanted to sacrifice yourself in Sokovia! So don’t even. We’ve both done enough stupid shit for multiple lifetimes.”

“Y/N—“ He stepped towards her.

“No. I’ve got to go. And you can’t stop me.” Focusing, she pointed at the bracelet. A purple stream came out of her finger and hit the bracelet, shattering it.

“How did you…?” The shock left as quick as it came when he noticed a portal opening. “No! Please! Don’t go.”

“You’re giving me no choice.”

“I love you… please, remember that…”

“…I love you, too.”

~~~

Honestly, Bucky was worried. It had been a few hours since Y/N had left. And yes, she promised she’d return. He just didn’t know when or where she even went. So the former Winter Soldier kept himself busy with work about his small house. He was just finishing up with his bedroom, when he heard footsteps in his kitchen.

“Y/N?” He called. “Is that you?” 

A small whimper was heard coming from the other room. Bucky rushed through his curtain clad doorway to see Y/N. She had a hand clasped over her mouth while her other arm was wrapped around her waist. Tears were running down her cheeks.

“What is it?” He hurried over, examining her body for any injuries. “What’s wrong?”

“I— He— I don’t know what to do….” She broke down into sobs.

“Sshh…” Bucky pulled Y/N into his chest. “It’s okay… it’s okay.” He rested his head on top of hers. It was times like this that Bucky wished for his arm, even his metal arm. “What happened?"

“I was almost caught.”

“What?” He pushed away to look at her face. “What do you mean?”

“I was stupid. I just went to visit Ma and Pa and I was almost caught. And then… then… I need to think.”

She turned away, rushing out the door of the house. Bucky followed after her.

“Wait!” He called. “What happened?”

“I was stupid. That’s what happened. Stupid for falling in love with the most caring, protective men in this whole damn universe! I was even more stupid to not have just tried to move on from at least one of them!”

“Y-you love me?” Bucky whispered, surprised. 

He had told her twice now since Siberia. But she had never responded. Y/N halted and spun around.

“Yes, you idiot!” She yelled, more frustrated with herself than anything else. “I never stopped! But here’s the problem, I love Tony too. Just as much.”

“You saw him, didn’t you?” Y/N looked away as Bucky step forward. “Was he the reason why you were almost caught?”

“No. It was my stupid mistake of walking through the city that almost got me put in Raft… I just…” She buried her head in her hands. “I don’t know what to do… Who ever I choose, hearts will break. And one of them will be mine.”

“Then don’t choose.”

“What?” Y/N snapped her head up to look at him. “What do you mean don’t choose?”

“I mean…” Bucky stepped closer and took one of her hands. “You don’t have to make a decision right now. Honestly, it wouldn’t be wise to. Give us both time, give us both a chance. You and Tony need to patch things up and we haven’t official been together since the 40’s. You need a chance to explore both relationships, so that you make the right choice for you.”

“But what would I tell Tony? He hates you and I don’t think—“

“Then don’t tell him. But you do owe it to both of us and yourself to give us both a chance. And to show you that I mean what I’m telling you, I’m taking you out tonight.”

“Bucky, you really don’t—“

“Oh but I really do. I need to show you that I’m serious about letting you choose but that I’m not going down without a fight. So you’re going to go back to the palace, get all dolled up and I’ll swing by around 7 to pick you up.”

“I really don’t know about this… I’m scared.”

“And that’s okay. Just, trust me. Can you do that?” Y/N nodded. “Good.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Now go. And don’t worry about the date, I’ll plan everything.”

~~~

Y/N spent most of the day, pacing. She was nervous. Should she really be going out on a date with Bucky? And should she even be considering the option of dating both men? Maybe she should just take a break, tell them both that she can’t focus on romance. Y/N knew her powers weren’t strong enough for what was to come. Maybe she should just focus on that.

“Oh gosh…” she muttered to herself, rubbing her temples. “What am I doing? How could I be so stupid?”

The gentle knock at the door broke her trance of spiraling self talk. Answering it, she found T’Challa on the other side.

“I heard you have a date tonight,” T’Challa said with a smug smile.

“Ugh!” Y/N rested her head on the door. “Is he telling everyone?”

“Oh, no.” T’Challa shook his head, entering the room. “He just needed a suit fitted to him, so he had to tell me.”

“A suit?” Y/N repeated, shutting the door. “How fancy is this?”

“And that is the reason I stopped by, to warn you that your outfit right now might not be… well, might not be the most impressive.”

“Thanks, Your Majesty,” she mocked. “And, technically, he’s trying to impress me.”

“Yes, he did explain to me the offer he gave you. Have you talked to Stark about it?”

“I saw him this morning, that didn’t go well and it wasn’t even about dating both men. So, no, I haven’t and I don’t know if or when I will.”

“That’s not fair to Tony.”

“Life’s not fair.” Y/N huffed at looked out the large window. “I’ll talk to him. Eventually. Just not tonight. Tonight can be about me and Bucky, then tomorrow can be about him.”

~~~

Evening came, and Y/N was finally dressed up. T’Challa had a dress brought in for her to use. She was nervously sitting in her room, waiting for Bucky. She didn’t know what to expect. Even back in the 40’s, they never really had the chance to go on a real date because of the war. Y/N could tell Bucky was getting closer as his nervous thoughts became louder and louder to her.

“Don’t screw this up, punk,” he told himself. “You’re fine. You’ve been on plenty of dates before. Granted, it was before you became a murder and none of them were actually with the love of your life…. Ugh…. I guess, what do I have to lose?” He paused. “Actually, a lot. I have a lot to lose.”

Y/N could hear his feet stop outside her door and the thoughts continue.

“Just knock. Lift your arm and knock. Crap, maybe I should have taken up Shuri’s offer to put my new arm on. Maybe she won’t find me as good looking. Should I run to the lab? Also, I don’t like holding her with one arm and what if—“

Y/N ripped open the door, fully surprising Bucky.

“Glad to know I’m not the only one over thinking,” she teased.

“What— how did you— can you…” Bucky stammered. “Can you read minds?”

“I can. Sorry, have I never mentioned that before?”

“No. You haven’t. Do you, uh, do you do it a lot?”

“I’ve learned how not to because yours were so loud out there, I couldn’t help myself.”

“Okay.” He gave one nod. “You look beautiful, by the way.”

“Thank you.” She smiled. “You look really good as well, even without the arm.”

Bucky winced. “You heard that?”

“And more.” She shut the door and wrapped her arm around Bucky’s. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.” Bucky began leading the way.

“Really? Nothing?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“I think I’ve had enough surprises from you for a lifetime.”

“Too bad.”

Bucky led Y/N into a small room. There was a table in the center with candles and covered food on it. Most of the walls were windows, giving away a view of a spectacular sunset.

“Wow,” Y/N gasped, leaving Bucky to go look out the window. “It’s… it’s gorgeous.”

“Yeah,” Bucky responded with a small smile. “It is.” He watched Y/N watch the sunset. “After being held up in the lab for awhile, once I was finally let out, this was the first part of Wakanda I saw. I fell in love almost immediately.”

“I can see why.”

“It reminded me that somethings never change.” Y/N looked at Bucky with a curious, quirked brow. “No matter what happens, the sun will always rise and set. No matter what you’ve done that day or what’s been done to you. It’s something that’s steady. Always there when you need it.”

“Yeah… I guess you’re right.”

“Come on, doll, I’m right most of the time.”

Y/N laughed. “You wish!”

They went on about old times as they moved to the table and began eating. They laughed and reminisced about old times well until after dinner was gone. It was nice, refreshing for both of them after such a long time of continually fighting or on the run. When the laughing grew quiet, Bucky watched as Y/N observed the stars from her seat.

“You know,” he started quietly, “you’ve changed. But you haven’t changed at all.”

Y/N looked at him, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Like, you have these powers, which I’m totally going to ask you more about later, but… you’re still you. Y/N Rogers, the girl I fell in love with.”

“And you’re still you, Buck. Even after everything HYDRA made you do, you’re still you.”

Bucky got up from his seat and walked around to the side Y/N was sitting. Grabbing her hand, he quickly pulled her up to her feet. His arm circled her waist to pull her into him as his lips found their way to hers. Y/N welcomed it, moving her hands so that they were holding Bucky’s face close. When they finally pulled apart, they were panting slightly.

“Thank you,” Y/N whispered. “For tonight, for understanding.”

“Of course,” Bucky replied. “You mean the world to me. Anything to make you happy.”

Y/N kissed him again. “Do you want to get out of here? Maybe some place more private?”

“Just led the way, doll. I’m all yours.”

next chapter >

NOTES: from now on the taglist when be added by a reblog. I will reblog it using my second account, @just-dreaming-marvel-2​​. Just so that my main page doesn’t get too cluttered.

If you want to be added to the tag list, please dm me or send in an ask.

[taylorswiftandx]

Taylor Swift and Because

'Taylor Swift'

Picture To Burn: 'Cause coming back around here would be bad for your health

Picture To Burn: 'Cause I hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive

Teardrops On My Guitar: Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's just so funny

Teardrops On My Guitar: 'Cause he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

A Place In This World: I don't know what I want, so don't ask me 'cause I'm still trying to figure it out

Cold As You: So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel something and you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted

Tied Together With A Smile: But that's not true 'cause I know you

Tied Together With A Smile: 'Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change

Tied Together With A Smile: Oh, 'cause it's not his price to pay, it's not his price to pay

Our Song: When we're on the phone and you talk real slow 'cause it's late and your mama don't know

Our Song: 'Cause our song is the slamming screen door

Our Song: When we're on the phone and he talks real slow 'cause it's late and his mama don't know

'Fearless (Taylor's Version)'

Fearless: 'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this

Fifteen: 'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you you're gonna believe them

Love Story: We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew so close your eyes

Love Story: 'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter

Love Story: 'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

Hey Stephen: 'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel

White Horse: As I paced back and forth all this time 'cause I honestly believed in you

White Horse: 'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale

You Belong With Me: 'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do

Breathe: 'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way

Breathe: 'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down

You're Not Sorry: And now you're asking me to listen 'cause it's worked each time before

The Way I Loved You: And my heart's not breaking 'cause I'm not feeling anything at all

Forever And Always: Were you just kidding 'cause it seems to me this thing is breaking down

Forever And Always: 'Cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door

Forever And Always: 'Cause I was there when you said forever and always

Forever And Always: 'Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong

Change: Because these things will change, can you feel it now?

Change: It's a revolution, throw your hands up 'cause we never gave in

Jump Then Fall: 'Cause I'mma stay through it all so jump then fall

Jump Then Fall: 'Cause every time you smile, I smile

Come In With The Rain: I'll leave my window open 'cause i'm too tired at night to call your name

Come In With The Rain: I'll leave my window open 'cause i'm too tired at night for all these games

The Other Side Of The Door: 'Cause I'm so mad, I might tell you that it's over

The Other Side Of The Door: And don't you leave 'cause I know all I need is on the other side of the door

You All Over Me: 'Cause no amount of freedom gets you clean

Mr. Perfectly Fine: Because I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand new girl

Mr. Perfectly Fine: 'Cause I was Miss here to stay, now I'm Miss gonna be all right someday

We Were Happy: And goodbye's so much harder 'cause we were happy

We Were Happy: And that's what these tears are for 'cause we were happy

Bye Bye Baby: 'Cause I, I still love you but I can't

Bye Bye Baby: 'Cause you took em home but you just couldn't keep me

'Speak Now (Taylor's Version)'

Mine: Braced myself for the goodbye, 'cause that's all I've ever known

Sparks Fly: 'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile

Back To December: Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind

Dear John: All the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes 'cause you burned them out

Mean: Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

Mean: But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road

The Story Of Us: 'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

The Story Of Us: I don't know what to say since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down

Never Grow Up: Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming

Better Than Revenge: She thinks I'm psycho 'cause I like to rhyme your name with things

Better Than Revenge: Do you still feel like you know what you're doing 'cause I don't think you do

Better Than Revenge: So you deserve some applause 'cause you're so much better

Last Kiss: Because I love your handshake meeting my father

Long Live: 'Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world

Ours: But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine

Ours: 'Cause I love the gap between your teeth and I love the riddles that you speak

Ours: And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored 'cause my heart is yours

Superman: 'Cause I loved you from the very first day

Electric Touch: ‘Cause every time I tried hard for love, it fell apart, oh

When Emma Falls In Love: She waits and takes her time ‘cause little Miss Sunshine always thinks it’s gonna rain

When Emma Falls In Love: ‘Cause she’s the kind of book that you can’t put down

When Emma Falls In Love: ‘Cause when Emma falls in love, she’s in it for keeps

When Emma Falls In Love: ‘Cause she’ll call you out, she’ll put you in your place

I Can See You: ‘Cause I can see you waiting down the hall from me

Foolish One: ‘Cause when my head is on your shoulder, it starts thinking you’ll come around

Foolish One: ‘Cause you got her on your arm and me in the wings

Timeless: ‘Cause I believe that we were supposed to find this

'Red (Taylor's Version)'

Red: 'Cause loving him was red, yeah, yeah, red, oh, burning red

I Knew You Were Trouble: 'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in

All Too Well: 'Cause there we are again on that little town street, you almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me

All Too Well: 'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night

All Too Well: I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here 'cause I remember it all, all, all too well

All Too Well: 'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me, you can't get rid of it 'cause your remember it all too well

All Too Well: 'Cause there we are again when I loved you so

I Almost Do: I bet you think I either moved on or hate you 'cause each time you reach out there's no reply

We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together: 'Cause, like, we hadn't seen each other in a month when you said you needed space, what?

Stay Stay Stay: 'Cause I read you should never leave a fight unresolved

Stay Stay Stay: And I love you because you have given me no choice but to stay, stay, stay

Holy Ground: 'Cause darling, it was good never looking down

Sad Beautiful Tragic: 'Cause we had a beautiful magic love there

The Lucky One: 'Cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used

The Lucky One: 'Cause now my name is up in lights, but I think you got it right

Everything Has Changed: 'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello"

Begin Again: I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did

Begin Again: 'Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid

Come Back... Be Here: But you're in London and I break down 'cause it's not fair that you're not around

Better Man: I hold onto this pride because these days it's all I have

Babe: I hate that because of you, I can't love you, babe

Message In A Bottle: 'Cause you could be the one that I love

Message In A Bottle: 'Cause now your'e so far away and I'm down

I Bet You Think About Me: Last time you felt free was when none of that shit mattered 'cause you were with me

The Very First Night: 'Cause they don't know about the night in the hotel

All Too Well (10 Minute Version): 'Cause in this city's barren cold I still remember the first fall of snow

'1989 (Taylor's Version)'

Blank Space: 'Cause you know I love the players and you love the game

Blank Space: 'Cause we're young and we're reckless, we'll take this way too far

Blank Space: 'Cause darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Style: I should just tell you to leave 'cause I know exactly where it leads

Style: 'Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style

Style: 'Cause you got that James Dean daydream look in your eye

Shake It Off: 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play

I Wish You Would: You're thinking that I hate you now 'cause you still don't know what I never said

Bad Blood: 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood

I Know Places: 'Cause they got the cages, they got the boxes and guns

I Know Places: 'Cause I, I know places we can hide, I know places

Clean: Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it

Wonderland: You held on tight to me 'cause nothing's as it seems

You Are In Love: 'Cause you can hear it in the silence, you can feel it on the way home

New Romantics: 'Cause, baby, I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me

Say Don’t Go: ‘Cause you kiss me and it stops time

Suburban Legends: I broke my own heart ‘cause you were too polite to do it

Sweeter Than Fiction: You know that I'll be there time and again 'cause I loved you when

'reputation'

End Game: You love it, I love it too 'cause you're my type

I Did Something Bad: 'Cause for every lie I tell them, they tell me three

I Did Something Bad: I don't regret it one bit 'cause he had it coming

Delicate: 'Cause I like you

Delicate: 'Cause I know that it's delicate

Look What You Made Me Do: "I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now... why? oh, 'cause she's dead!"

So It Goes...: 'Cause we break down a little, but when you get me alone it's so simple

So It Goes...: 'Cause, baby, I know what you know, we can feel it

Gorgeous: You're so gorgeous, I can't say anything to your face, 'cause look at your face

Gorgeous: 'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurts

Getaway Car: It's no surprise I turned you in 'cause us traitors never win

King Of My Heart: 'Cause all the boys and their expensive cars with their Range Rovers and their Jaguars never took me quite where you do

Dancing With Our Hands Tied: Oh, 'cause it's gravity, oh, keeping you with me

Dress: Carve your name into my bedpost 'cause I don't want you like a best friend

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Because you break them, I had to take them away

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: And here's to you, 'cause forgiveness is a nice thing to do

Call It What You Want: I'm doing better than I ever was, 'cause my baby's fit like a daydream

Call It What You Want: Not because he owns me but 'cause he really knows me

'Lover'

The Man: 'Cause if I was a man, then I'd be the man

The Archer: 'Cause cruelty wins in the movies

The Archer: 'Cause they see right through me, they see right through me

The Archer: 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends

I Think He Knows: I think he knows he'd better lock it down or I won't stick around 'cause good ones never wait, ha

Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince: And I don't want you to go, I don't really wanna fight 'cause nobody's gonna win

Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince: And I'll never let you go 'cause I know this is a fight that someday we're gonna win

Paper Rings: Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night, kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be all right, three times 'cause I waited my whole life

Paper Rings: Kiss you once 'cause I know you had a long night, kiss you twice 'cause it's gonna be all right, three times 'cause you waited your whole life

Death By A Thousand Cuts: I get drunk but it's not enough 'cause the morning comes and you're not my baby

Death By A Thousand Cuts: Chandelier's still flickering here 'cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not

Death By A Thousand Cuts: I get drunk but it's not enough 'cause you're not my baby

Soon You'll Get Better: Ooh, soon you'll get better 'cause you have to

Soon You'll Get Better: It's been years of hoping and I keep saying it because, 'cause I have to

You Need To Calm Down: 'Cause shade never made anybody less gay

ME!: 'Cause one of these things is not like the others

Daylight: Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now, it's brighter now

'folklore'

Cardigan: 'Cause I knew you, stepping on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain

Cardigan: 'Cause I knew everything when I was young

Exile: 'Cause you never gave a warning sign / I gave so many signs

My Tears Ricochet: 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you 'til my dying day

My Tears Ricochet: 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

Mirrorball: Because I'm a mirrorball, I'm a mirrorball, and I'll show you every version of yourself tonight

August: August slipped away into a moment in time 'cause it was never mine

August: August sipped away like a bottle of wine 'cause you were never mine

August: 'Cause you weren't mine to lose, you weren't mine to lose, oh

August: 'Cause you were never mine, never mine

Mad Woman: I'm taking my time, taking my time, 'cause you took everything from me

Betty: Betty, I won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom but I think it's 'cause of me

Peace: And it's just around the corner, darling, 'cause it lives in me

The Lakes: I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet 'cause I haven't moved in years

'evermore'

Champagne Problems: Because I dropped your hand while dancing

Gold Rush: And then it fades into the gray of my day-old tea 'cause it could never be

Gold Rush: 'Cause I don't like a gold rush, gold rush

Gold Rush: 'Cause it fades into the gray of my day-old tea 'cause it could never be

No Body, No Crime: No, there ain't no doubt, somebody's gotta catch him out, 'cause I think he did it but I just can't prove it

Happiness: There'll be happiness after you but there was happiness because of you

Happiness: There'll be happiness after me but there was happiness because of me

Happiness: There'll be happiness after you but there was happiness because of you, too

Coney Island: 'Cause we were like the mall before the Internet, it was the one place to be

Long Story Short: 'Cause I fell from the pedestal right down the rabbit hole

Marjorie: Should've kept every grocery store receipt 'cause every scrap of you would be taken from me

Right Where You Left Me: Kids and Christmas but I'm unaware 'cause I'm right where

'Midnights'

Maroon: When the morning came, we were cleaning incense off your vinyl shelf ‘cause we lost track of time again

Anti-Hero: One day, I’ll watch as you’re leaving ‘cause you got tired of my scheming for the last time

You’re On Your Own, Kid: ‘Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned

Midnight Rain: I broke his heart ‘cause he was nice

Midnight Rain: ‘Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain

Question...?: ‘Cause I don’t remember who I was before you painted all my nights a color I have searched for since

Bejeweled: But some guy said my aura’s moonstone just ‘cause he was high

Karma: ‘Cause if you dare, you’ll see the glare of everyone you burned just to get there

Karma: ‘Cause karma is my boyfriend, karma is a god

Karma: Karma is a cat, purring in my lap ‘cause it loves me

Karma: ‘Cause karma is the thunder rattling your ground

Mastermind: It was all by design ‘cause I’m a mastermind

Mastermind: ‘Cause we were born to be the pawn in every lover’s game

Mastermind: I’m only cryptic and Machiavellian ‘cause I care

Mastermind: Yeah, all you did was smile, ‘cause I’m a mastermind

The Great War: I vowed I would always be yours ‘cause we survived the great war

The Great War: I will always be yours ‘cause we survived the great war

Bigger Than The Whole Sky: ‘Cause it’s all over now, all out to sea

Bigger Than The Whole Sky: Did some force take you because I didn’t pray?

Bigger Than The Whole Sky: ‘Cause it’s all over, it’s not meant to be

Paris: No, I didn’t see the news ‘cause we were somewhere else

Paris: ‘Cause we were in Paris, yes, we were somewhere else

Dear Reader: Dear reader, you don’t have to answer just ‘cause they asked you

Dear Reader: To a house, not a home, all alone ‘cause nobody’s there

Hits Different: It hits different, it hits different ‘cause it’s you

Hits Different: It’s different ‘cause it’s you

You’re Losing Me: Remember looking at this room, we loved it ‘cause of the light

You’re Losing Me: My heart won’t start anymore for you ‘cause you’re losing me

You’re Losing Me: ‘Cause you’re losing me, stop, ‘cause you’re losing me

Karma (feat. Ice Spice): ‘Cause karma is my boyfriend / damn

Other Songs written by Taylor

Beautiful Eyes: In only a little while I'll cry 'cause you're my lullaby

Beautiful Eyes: So, baby, come hold me tight 'cause I, I want to be everything you need

Best Days Of Your Life: 'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind

Christmases When You Were Mine: Please take down the mistletoe 'cause I don't wanna think about that right now 'cause everything I want is miles away

Christmases When You Were Mine: But for me it's just a lonely time 'cause there were Christmases when you were mine

Christmases When You Were Mine: But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight 'cause there were Christmases when you were mine

I Don't Wanna Live Forever: I don't wanna live forever 'cause I know I'll be living in vain

If This Was A Movie: Locked up in your arms and our friends are laughing 'cause nothing like this ever happened to them

Renegade: You fire off missiles 'cause you hate yourself but do you know you're demolishing me?

The Alcott: And over, like I always do / ‘Cause I love this curse on our house

Two Is Better Than One: 'Cause everything you do and words you say, you know that it all takes my breath away

Two Is Better Than One: 'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away I think of you and everything's okay

Two Is Better Than One: I can't live without you 'cause, baby, two is better than one

You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home: 'Cause this world is big and it's crazy

You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home: 'Cause when I'm feeling down and I'm all alone I always got a place where I can go 'cause I know

Official Alternate Releases

Teardrops On My Guitar (2006 Version): Drew talks to me, I laugh ‘cause it’s so damn funny

I Bet You Think About Me (Clean Version): Last time you felt free was when none of that mattered ‘cause you were with me

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

I’m a…

⚪️Flight Risk With a Fear of Falling

⚪️Careless Man’s Careful Daughter

🔘All of the above

I…

⚪️Wonder why we bother with love if it never lasts

⚪️Brace myself for the goodbye because that’s all I’ve ever known

🔘All of the above