#bpd chapter 9

[bookish-bogwitch]

Third Floor Thursday

Thank you for folks who tagged me yesterday. I'm behind on reading WIPpets but excited to catch up.

Instead of WIP Wednesday, I'm observing [Cloisters] Third Floor Thursday and serving up some Basil Pitch's Diary bonus content. Below the cut for mega spoilers for BPD chapter 9 and mild spice.

Sure, Baz did plenty of damage to himself and Simon in chapter 9, but what about the trail of male wreckage he left at the gay bar? What about all those non-Simons who failed to take Baz's mind of his troubles? You might be wondering...

Rejects of Skin Horse: Where Are They Now?

That night was only Lee’s second time out after top surgery. He loved how his new clothes fit him until Baz’s insult brought the old imposter syndrome rushing back. He almost left the club. But Lee’s night turned around when he met a cute guy who laughed at Lee’s jokes, asked Lee to give him stubble rash, and ate Lee out in the toilets. (It was Niall.) 

Mustached Blond with the Wedding Band Tan had just moved into his own flat after a ten-year marriage to his best friend. He’d been anguished over “breaking up his family over nothing”--thanks for that, Blond’s mum--but the kids were blossoming with happier parents. His ex had cheerled his coming out and savaged anyone who asked how Blond could be gay when he’d never been with a man. 

At Skin Horse Blond had assumed the tall, gorgeous man in the embroidered shirt was in his mid twenties--he was so poised--and more experienced than Blond, because everyone was. After Baz’s rejection, City Boy danced with Blond and slipped him the tongue. That first queer kiss did so little for Blond that he wondered if his mother was right and almost broke down right there. But then The Husbands took Blond home, found his prostate, and let him sleep in the middle.

City Boy was from the future, on a mission to terminate the boy who would one day lead the uprising against gay cyborgs like City Boy. He didn’t expect to find his target at Skin Horse, but everybody needs a night off.

As for Reg and Mike? Their story begins in If You Just Smile by @facewithoutheart (680, T). ____

Tagging only people I know have read this chapter ( <3 you btw):

@ivelovedhimthroughworse @thewholelemon @cutestkilla @monbons @whogaveyoupermission

@you-remind-me-of-the-babe @goblindad-emoshit @rimeswithpurple @emeryhall @comesitintheclover

@mooncello

[feralcoffeebug]

i saw in the tags of ur new fic that hua cheng has BPD in ur hcs…. if ur willing to talk abt it id love to hear abt it 🙏

Hi!!! Ofc I’d love to talk about it.

So Hua Cheng is one of the characters that I hold super dear to my heart, in that fic he wasn’t quite old enough for the actual symptoms to start showing in ways that would be super obvious hence the whole “it’s not really shown/explored here” that I mentioned. But! Let’s get into it!

There are 3 suspected subtypes for BPD, not really “officially” used in the dsm5 but! Hua Cheng fits Really Well for quiet BPD, which is often where the symptoms are more internalized rather than outward. As a child and teen when he was the little boy and little soldier the BPD symptoms are more outward, as is extremely common for people with quiet BPD that they do not start with this presentation of symptoms.

Since I love researching especially for my headcannons this will have me pulling from the DSM and using that lol. Sorry if this isn’t quite what you wanted! Feel free to send another ask in that case! I love answering questions haha.

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE NOVELS

The diagnostic criteria means you need 5 of the main 9 symptoms of BPD to be diagnosed with it. A lot of these behaviors start around 13, HOWEVER it is very difficult to diagnose in children and teens due to regular hormonal changes and a developing mind can often mimic the same instability that comes along with BPD. Please do not use this as something to diagnose yourself.

Hua Cheng, as he is, meets a few of the symptoms. I’ll go symptom by symptom to explain them a bit more

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (not including sh or sui behaviors as it is covered in a different criteria).

Throughout TGCF Hua Cheng often spends a lot of him time attempting to be useful or good enough for Xie Lian, He gets very anxious and fearful around areas that might make Xie Lian leave him or be disgusted by him.

As Hong’er, he often changes entire things about himself with just a small off-hand comment from Xie Lian. He picked up the saber and focused on it because Xie Lian told him that he would suit it well. He panicked every single time someone tried to remove the bandages covering his red eye because he knew that it was something a lot of people hated or treated him badly for and was disgusted by, and he didn’t want Xie Lian to see it. When Xie Lian found out about the fact that he was born under the star of solitude and that meant he was cursed he had a breakdown about it, only calming down when Xie Lian assured him that he was believed that he wasn’t cursed. He showed anger at anyone else where for Xie Lian he would do anything (except talk haha)

I can’t say much about Wu Ming or him as a ghost fire; mostly due to not having gotten to his chapters yet. But my brain wants to use the part with the 33 heavenly officials and his anger at Feng Xin and Mu Qing as proof as well. Along with his devotion to Xie Lian.

As Hua Cheng, he often looks to Xie Lian when he’s not sure what he will think of things, often changing his likes and dislikes when it comes to him. He changed his form to be one that Xie Lian might have liked more, being extremely insecure about his true form while trying to play it off that he was ugly, which obviously Xie Lian didn’t agree with. And once he saw that Xie Lian wasn’t as disgusted by his actual form he uses it more often along with (At least in the manghua) he incorporates some parts of it in his San Lang form.

All in all, usually he sees things that could displease Xie Lian as being bad, and I believe this comes from a place of fearing abandonment by Xie Lian.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

This symptom is a hallmark of the disorder, and most of the other symptoms are what leads to this symptom to showing up. For Hua Cheng, his relationship with Xie Lian is pretty constant and in this context he would be his Favorite Person (FP) (will be discussed later) but his relationship with others are far more unstable. He goes between not caring for those he barely knows to being extremely angry and vindictive if they even so much seem as if they are insulting or disrespecting XL. He also seems to not have very steady relations with those he is simi closer to than strangers (such as yin yu and black water, the only two that, outside of XL, he has around him decently often enough, which honestly probably shows more so that he is attached to Xie Lian like a person with Bpd is to their FP). His opinion of those people seems to be very dependent on how they’re effecting his current situations as they happen, at least from what I’ve seen myself. He also holds very little regard for people outside of Xie Lian, which honestly might point to something like ASPD or something but in my opinion HC fits BPD more so than the other one but I could see the argument for it.

His unstable relationship mostly goes in relation of himself and his self image, which are very dependent on Xie Lian.

3. Identity disturbance: marked and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

For this criteria, this mostly means changes in personality, likes, dislikes, goals, and role. Often the only sense of self people with BPD have is that they are bad or evil, which we see a lot in Hua Cheng, his view of himself is very negative. He often does not feel as if he deserves to be treated nicely by Xie Lian.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentionally self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating. Not including sh or sui behaviors.

Idk why for this one specifically but in my heart I feel like he is very impulsive even outside life or death situations. I cannot for the life of me recall why right now

One of them is him betting his ashes in the fight with the 33 gods, while that could be seen as him being confident in his ability to win it is still very dangerous. I’m unsure if this would count as impulsive or just sui behavior lmao.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

As Hong’er, He was going up the wall to die. Not only that but when he was in the army he often put his life on the line specifically trying to protect Xie Lian, to the point that Feng Xin mentioned offhand that it seemed like he had a death wish and that he had no concern for his own life. All of Hua Cheng’s deaths actively involve dying for Xie Lian, as he decided to live for the man as well.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Hua Cheng’s mood often shifts very quickly from extremes, there seems to be very little grey area for his moods. Often times, he is happy and content only for a small thing to bring his ire and anger, especially when it comes to his time with Xie Lian. This is often set inwards, anger at himself for not being able to protect him. But this also is directed at others as well as seen by his reactions when Feng Xin and Mu Qing show up.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.

In my headcannons this is very true. He is often bored, he often acts very bored in the donghua when something doesn’t have to do with Xie Lian.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

I don’t know about you, but I think a lot of Hua Cheng’s emotions include anger. He hits He Xuan because of a situation that endangers Xie Lian. He is known for getting into fights over small things. He killed 33 gods for simply disrespecting Xie Lian. He often has outbursts in anger at Mu Qing and Feng Xin, using a lot of sarcasm. These outbursts often happen when Xie Lian isn’t giving him attention or when they are disrespecting/looking down at Xie Lian in some way, shape, or form.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid idealtion or severe dissociative symptoms

This symptoms often comes up when in response to something that may be relating to possible abandonment. Hua Cheng tends to get more quiet and withdrawn when situations have to do with himself or when something comes up that Xie Lian might hate him over. The topic of E’Ming makes him start to try and move the topic off of it’s emotional responses, when he hurt Xie Lian he gets quiet and stares where Xie Lian left for a long while, getting quiet when Xie Lian apologizes for the situation before nearly crying over it and apologizing over it.

Now, a lot of the reasons behind why I say a character has a mental illness usually does not come from what criteria they meet, but I felt that explaining what could possibly meet what criteria is a fun way to get the conversation started. A lot of BPD is the mental process that gets the reactions, or what causes the reactions. I’m going to get into the like, less official practical and professional view of BPD and go more into it as someone who shows a lot of BPD esc symptoms and the research I’ve done from other people with the disorder.

In BPD, there is a thing called a Favorite Person, also shorthanded to FP. I mentioned earlier that Xie Lian would be his FP, and I stand by this. Often to a person with BPD their FP is everything to them. Their emotional wellbeing and sense of self is often based on the person. It is often very intense and their FP is often what is the root cause of their symptoms showing up. Often FPs are caregivers, friends, crushes, and other things. It can be a very unhealthy relationship for both parties due to the fact that a person with BPD rely heavily on their FP for regulation.

This is something we often see with Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. Hua Cheng relies on Xie Lian for reassurance, taking every grain of it. He does everything in his power to appeal to Xie Lian but also doesn’t mind if Xie Lian doesn’t know about him or hates him as long as he can be useful to him. He also does all he can to get Xie Lian’s attention and praise. He bases a lot of himself and his environment around Xie Lian. I think that the opinion that some of the fandom has of him that “everything revolves around Xie Lian for his character” is a very good example of this. I do not agree with this sentiment, obviously, but it is very common for people with BPD to base almost everything around this FP.

Hua Cheng also wants to spend all of his time around Xie Lian, which is often seen with people with Bpd and their fps.

A lot of this headcannon also has a lot to do with seeing myself in Hua Cheng, seeing behaviors I’ve done for past FPs and even my current FP. I see my relationship with my current FP (which is my boyfriend before anyone asks) in Xie Lian and Hua Cheng. I am a lot more unstable in my relationship with my FP than Hua Cheng is to Xie Lian, but I also feel like Hua Cheng often would turn his anger inward a lot more than I do and fall heavily into self blame for any issues. Along with that, I feel as if Hua Cheng is also pretty inclined to feel as if he overstepped and to internally berate himself for thinking he could have or do or feel whatever unstable emotions and feelings and devaluation towards Xie Lian.

Anyways here’s a small, very tired and sleepy explanation. I’m sorry if none of this makes sense. I just woke up to write this and I’m probably heading to bed.

[nikeiyomiurioverthinker]

Nikei Yomiuri has BPD: the masterpost

So I've been formally requested to make a post on why I believe Nikei has BPD- so strap in, folks, this is gonna be a long one.

I want to preface this with, I am in no way a mental health expert, I am in no way qualified to actually diagnose anyone with anything, but I am a weirdo who likes to read the DSM-5 for kicks who also happens to think about Nikei Yomiuri a lot. Everything I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt, yadda yadda yadda, you know how that all goes.

TW for discussions of sui, CSA and SH. I am not planning to discuss any of these topics in depth (except for the first one, due to just. Nikei being Nikei), but if the topics distress you in any way, I would advise simply not reading this. Look after yourself.

So, firstly, I would like to discuss how BPD develops. Though there are many possible causes, such as genetics, affecting the on-set of BPD symptoms, one of the most common causes is childhood abuse, especially CSA. We currently do not yet know Nikei's backstory and how he was 'saved' by Utsuro, but it is commonly believed that it had to do with CSA. It both explains some of his behaviors- the weird hypersexual tendencies and his extremely negative reaction to being touched by Mikado from behind, for example- and 'fits', so to speak, Void's tendency in everyone there suffering some sort of child abuse. This is mostly to explain how Nikei fits the common parameters of someone in whom BPD could develop.

Now, as for the diagnostic criteria: the DSM-5 dictates there are 9 major symptoms of BPD, and in order to qualify, the patient needs to fulfill at least 5.

Before I go over which of the symptoms he fulfills, I want to start with stating that Nikei is a particularly hard character to get a read on, mostly due to him faking his personality for the greatest majority of the game, and though I do not believe everything about him that we see is 100% fake at all times, it would be presumptuous of me to discern what I personally believe to be real or not. Therefore, I will keep myself limited to:

His actions throughout the game (plus the ones he made from behind the scenes and also what he did before the actual happenings of the game)

Nikei's bouts of anger (which he is shown to be physically unable to control)

Chapter 6's Void Theatre (since Linuj has stated that Nikei was being truthful in it and was thus is 'real self')

Talking about his anger… symptom number 1, "Inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control" and symptom number 2, "Rapidly shifting intense emotional dysregulation". I don't think I need to go too in-depth when talking about how he fits these symptoms. If you have played the game, you know Nikei is shown to turn easily aggressive in ways he seems unable to control. I think the scene that highlights that the most is the one in chapter 4 while everyone is in Nikei's room- right after Mikado leaves. Nikei is unable to calm himself down, and has to cut short the meeting due to his inability to regulate his emotions properly. Honestly, Nikei in the fourth trial could also be used as an example for this.

Symptom number 3, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment". The man's gut reaction to Emma, Hajime and Iroha 'leaving' him was to come up with a plan to fuck over the man who took them away from him. It's actually a little hard to express myself in-depth on these first points, because I feel as though it would just be me repeating the game's plot points or just. Describing his character, rather than adding anything new to the discussion… of course, it's also pretty obvious that Nikei has extremely unstable relationships (again, Void), so he fits the fourth symptom as well, "Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, also known as "splitting" ". He doesn't necessarily 'split' on anyone in game, unless you count the fact that he can go from developing a crush on Sora to hating her guts in chapter 4, though in that case, his sudden hatred is more than understandable, considering the context- but I have to stress, it is almost impossible for us to know how Nikei feels about people in general, since most of his relationships are technically developed off-camera. As I am talking about Nikei's relationships, I feel like it would be a disservice to this 'theory' to not bring up this specific answer to a question that Linuj himself gave:

Nikei is not healthy with his interpersonal relationships. While this comment is strictly about romantic relationships, it is not a stretch to say that he gets obsessive about others in general- ergo, his relationships are unstable by definition.

Our fifth symptom is "Markedly disturbed sense of identity and distorted self-image"- one of his most obvious characteristics as a person is his inferiority complex, which feeds into his desire for power. To this, we can also add his struggle with his own self-worth. We don't know why exactly Nikei idolizes his hand as of yet, but it doesn't take an expert to realize that no matter the reason, his obsession with it doesn't exactly give us the impression his self-image is in any way stable.

Theoretically, I could stop here, since to be diagnosed you only need to fulfill 5 symptoms, but I am an overachiever to a fault so I'm gonna go on.

Symptom number 6, "Impulsive or reckless behaviors (e.g., uncontrollable spending, unsafe sex, substance use disorders, reckless driving, binge eating)". Now this might be weird to some of you, since Nikei doesn't really show any of these behaviors in game (again, not counting personal headcanons for this, so even if I do believe Nikei is definitely a reckless driver, I can't exactly say that counts since it is 100% based on vibes) but these are all just examples of reckless behaviors- Nikei has just significantly more personalized ones. Like, say, participating in a killing game of his own free will, or using an actual stun gun on himself rather than just pretending to be unconscious, or randomly changing key details of the plan he made supposedly months prior on the fly (ie adding Teruya to the mix when his spot was originally supposed to be taken by Syobai). Assuming Nikei has BPD actually makes chapter 4 make more sense.

"Recurrent suicidal ideation or self harm"- this is the last symptom I am going to talk about, and the primary reason for the TW at the start. This is probably gonna be somewhat headcanon-y, and if anyone wants to disregard that as such I cannot exactly fault them for it, but hear me out: Nikei's plan counts as a suicide plan. Nikei is not an idiot- he would have known that, no matter how it ended up going, if he failed or not, Nikei was gonna die either way- if his plan worked and Yuki was executed, Mikado would have retaliated and killed him in revenge; if his plan worked and Yuki got away with it, he would have died in the mass execution; and if, how it happened in canon, he failed he would have been killed, too (Mikado may have said that he would have forgiven Nikei if he returned back to Void, but let's be real here- that was a bold faced lie. He was just gloating). This plan would have ended up with him dead no matter what, and he was okay with it- which I don't need to tell you, is not exactly something someone who has never considered suicide before would do.

(Also random thought that I probably wouldn't be able to fit in another post- Nikei's execution itself is fairly odd, in the sense that he was ultimately the one who killed himself. He was the one that ran up the stairs, he was the one that jumped off the building, he was the one that failed to catch the ladder- hell, jumping off a building is a pretty common suicide method. His death is unique in the sense that he brought it all to himself- he was the only executee that wasn't tied down in any way, all his actions were truly his choice. He didn't need to run away from the Monocrows, but he did. He didn't need to go up the stairs instead of down, but he did. He didn't need to jump, but he did.)

The last two symptoms are:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Transient, stress-related paranoid or severe dissociative symptoms

Which I don't think I can apply to Nikei in good conscience, since it's pretty hard to discern how that man is feeling at all times (other than, well, when he is raging). That would wound up being wayyy too headcanon-y for even me to excuse. Like, do I believe he is depressed? Absolutely. Do I believe he has PTSD? Certainly, but I can't point to any exact action he takes in game and point to it to say that he is 100% depressed. It's mostly just vibes. And again, I don't really need to? I have already given ample evidence as to why I believe Nikei has BPD, even without these last two symptoms.

(I mean, I COULD prove that Nikei has PTSD- if we consider his more than likely sexual trauma and his reaction to him being grabbed by Mikado specifically, someone who he considers to be a threat- that certainly feels like PTSD to me. Even without that, I genuinely doubt anyone that lived through the Tragedy DOESN'T have PTSD. Anyway I am losing track of the post here-)

I don't exactly know how to end this, but yeah! That's about it. Nikei has BPD, thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

[ravenromanova]

Winter Widow Masterlist

Hello my loves❤️🖤 welcome to the materlist for my story The Winter Widow! This story was originally going to be put on wattpad and have like 50 chapters. BUT i decided to do around 20 chapters and just make those longer on here. I will try to post two chapters a time when i do upload but don’t hold me to that lmao. But here you’ll find all the chapters linked down below to make it easier to find. I hope you enjoy the story and love it as much as i do.

Summary: Lilith Rose was taken by The Red Room when she was 9 years old. She was given to them by her parents who were in debt to Dreykov. Given the serum she was 15 Lilith was trained to be the best female assassin in the world. She was eventually trained by no other than The Winter Solider. Her and The solider got close until he left one day fro a mission and she never saw him again. What happens when she wakes up? will Lilith ever see the solider again

Warning’s for this series: Heavy violence (blood, beatings, alluding to sexual assault, use of guns and knives) Lots of angst, Mentions of the red room (slight mentions of mental and physical abuse and experimentation along with brainwashing) Lilith suffers from a plethora of mental illnesses (Ptsd, Depression, Anxiety And BPD) SMUT! 18+!!!! (Later chapters) Ill add more when they come.

ON HIATUS

Mood Boards

Where it all started

Gotta be good enough

Hello solider

Party time

chapter 5

chapter 6

chapter 7

chapter 8

chapter 9

chapter 10

chapter 11

chapter 12

chapter 13

chapter 14

chapter 15

chapter 16

chapter 17

chapter 18

chapter 19

chapter 20

chapter 21

chapter 22

chapter 23

chapter 24

chapter 25

[brokensenseofhumor]

The controversial post that I mentioned on my birthday (aka Tuesday, this post is going up on either Thursday 11pm or Friday asscrack of dawn)

The purpose of this post is to clarify a variety of things just in case I go missing Friday afternoon, but due to certain events on my birthday it turned into an exposé + vent post. Even with such circumstances, I hope you can take away some knowledge about me and other people from this post.

WARNINGS: Private matters that have already been dealt with either a few days or even months ago that I’m needlessly bringing to light, mentions of death threats, and lost of fucked up shit in general.

Saii (@/monochrome-cropcrown) dismissed a really violent meltdown I had the day before my birthday and tried using her visit to the hospital as an excuse for not giving a fuck or even bothering to read not even 1 message from the 1 hour worth of distressed and downright concerning messages I had spammed her with an hour and a half ago. We got into a screaming match and she blocked me, but a few hours later she unblocked me, and started harassing me with messages basically victim blaming me for not being god and being unable to control my emotions, then blocked me again before I even had a chance to respond. Here is evidence:

That being said, I also have to take accountability for the horrible shit i said during my mental breakdown. I admit I made threats of physical violence against Fukui Takumi, wishing he’d slip down his stairs and bash his head into a wall, and I apologize for that. I was far too wrapped up in my emotions to realize I was saying overall horrible things aimed at someone that doesn’t even know who I am, and I apologize deeply for that. I’ll try to find better coping mechanisms to avoid this type of situation next chapter drop.

@/huntersmoon1 traumadumped on me multiple times despite me clarifying that I’m a neurodivergent and seriously mentally ill teenager just as many times, and she’s a grown woman in her late 20’s/early 30s that should be getting a therapist instead of telling some mentally unstable minor on the internet about her family’s problems. She also infodumped to me about useless things, even after I have told her I am not intrested in the slightest about anything she’s telling me about. She blocked me after I complained about another one of these needless infodumps, unblocked me after Mina’s exposure, we both mutually apologized for our mistakes, and she proceeded to block me again.

Shortly after Mina’s exposure as a groomer, @/praisethesuuun made a post saying that I shouldn’t be on the internet just because I have BPD symptoms and I’m also a minor.

My mom neglects me and verbally abuses me and my dad is a creep that always disrespects my boundaries, has tried to SA me when I was around 7-9, and this week he stole the conditioner my mom bought for me (after refusing to buy me a new one for the past 3 weeks).

The verbal abuse from my mom started when I was around 5-6 years old.

My mom also held off on buying me toothpaste for 4 weeks, and I was stuck using probably expired toothpaste for over a month.

My school feels more like a North Korean labor camp rather than a school. My homeroom teacher is a bitch, as of the time im writing this post she has threatened to smell each and every student’s ARMPITS (With the most psychotic smile on her face, too) MULTIPLE TIMES. The school’s practices are no better either. Oh what’s that? You didn’t do this easily forgettable and completely useless and unnecessary homework? Oh I’m so sorry, your exam score is an automatic 0 now. Most teachers are so strict that I almost developed a crush one the one teacher that was actually cool.

ALL HAIL KENDRICK LAMAR 🙇🙇🙇🙇

Tags: @aresarmyblog @rukia-writes @amphitriteswife @micah-drew @mizz-sea-nymph @miyahsart @cherry-froese @riseofamoonycake @incorrect-record-of-ragnarok @itz-hellenz @swallowtail-lotus @the-gentlemen-jack @sibchatactics @onecantsimply

[sunnydaleherald]

The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter, Friday, October 18th

XANDER: Arrr! Careful, me mateys! These be fireflies spat from a volcano off the coast of Katmandu. Arr! LITTLE BOY: You're not a real pirate! Real pirates live on boats and don't look stupid!

~~All the Way~~

[Drabbles & Short Fiction]

Unraveling by Maxine Eden (Buffy/Spike, R)

[Chaptered Fiction]

In the Company of Witches and Slayers: Chapter 165 by VladimirHarkonnen (TheLightdancer) (Willow/Tara, E)

Book Stew! Chapter 13 by MGAllan (Michael [from Gingerbread]/Lance [from The Pack], G)

Kinktober 2024, Chapter 18 by HuonParticlesAreHarmless (Buffy/Giles, E)

Kinktober 2024, Chapter 15 by DancingAngel0013 (Buffy/Giles, E)

Painting Flowers, Chapter 2 by crowncitydreams (Buffy/Angel, T)

Birds of a Feather, Chapter 6 (complete!) by Maxine Eden (Buffy/Spike, NC-17)

Oh My Goddess, Chapter 8 by Maxine Eden (Buffy/Spike, R)

Me and the Devil Blues, Chapter 3 by Melme1325 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17)

In Your Dreams, Chapter 4 by Geliot99 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17)

[Images, Audio & Video]

Giles meme cross stitch pattern by VioletWanes (worksafe)

Wallpaper: Beauty and the Beasts by revello-drive-1630 (Buffy/Angel, worksafe)

Fanvid: Buffy and Spike | Treacherous by iCraveEdits (0)

Fanvid: Buffy and Spike | Guilty as Sin [Buffy The Vampire Slayer] by iCraveEdits (0)

Fanvid: Buffy Summers || Nobody's home by Captain Swann (0)

Fanvid: Buffy the Vampire Slayer- Anyway You Want It by juliaroxs241 (0)

Fanvid: spike & buffy - exile by Giulia Wonderwall (0)

Fanvid: Buffy+Dawn+Joyce | Phantom [BTVS] by leticia (0)

Fanvid: Buffy The Vampire Slayer | Smalltown Boy by Delenadiarixs S (Buffy movie)

Fanvid: Tara MaClay- (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)- Machine Learning by Multifandom_Fanatic (0)

Vidlet: Buffy Summers | Teen Idle (short) by ImagineDragonlords (0)

Vidlet: Buffy, Willow Xander Edit for @fire.is.catching's edit comp! by swiftie.reputation13 (0)

Video: Buffy the Vampire Slayer 6x06 voiceover | Buffy "Costumes that take over your personality” by A Pixie's Whisper (0)

Audio: Meeting Buffy At Your New School (F4A) (Buffy The Vampire Slayer) (New Student Listener X Buffy) by Violet's Audios (0)

Video: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Spike you're the one Monologue) by Aria Eleutheria Aurora (0)

Music: Buffy The Vampire Slayer Theme --- Fingerstyle Guitar Cover + Free Tabs by Jacob Neufeld - The Little Strummer Boy (0)

AI Music: The Gentlemen are coming by. - reimagined by NeXuS JWF (0)

Video resource: Buffy and Oz scenepack by Scenepacks (0)

Video resource: Buffy and dawn scenepack by Scenepacks (0)

Demon design: From the Archives: Black Death Demon - Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7 by Christopher Burdett (worksafe)

[Reviews & Recaps]

Weekly Watch-Along [October 10th-October 18th] by BPD-and-Lipstick

Video: DWR 426 Buffy The Vampire Slayer 1992 by The Dream Warrior Review Podcast

Video: Is the Buffy Movie 'Good Actually'? by Better With Bob?

Video: Thoughts On Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV Show by ramboraph4life

Video: Summary: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Season 1) by Romi Pegaro (in Spanish)

Video: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE Slayer, beyond myth, icon of strength and courage! by SerieTvRetro (in Italian)

Video: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 4: Episode 9 - Something Blue by The Cheshire Kiwi

Video: The Killer in Me-Slayer Sunday by Jane Talks Buffy

Video: Buffy The Vampire Slayer Library Edition Season 8 Vol.4 Review/ Overview by Comic Swag

Video: RTFC #06 - Buffy The Vampire Slayer 7 (2007) DEEP DIVE [Features an exclusive interview with Georges Jeanty!] by Read the Freaking Comics!

Video: S4E09: Something Blue by One Girl in All the World

Podcast: Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Sarah Michelle Gellar, High school drama, and slaying by TV Pilot's License

Podcast: Episode 033 - Becoming (pt. 1) by Boys Watching Buffy (several other episodes were uploaded as well)

[Rec Search]

Does anyone have any good femslash BtVS fic recs? by acaseofthewiggins

[Fandom Discussions]

Spike sleeping on a stone slab in his coat, boots, and lil blankie by Aphony Cree

For people who think Xander deserves some sort of punishment for him going after Buffy in the Pack by confusedguytoo

The thing about vampires is they are immortal so of course they will outlive all their mortal friends by stellernorth

Does anyone else find it so weird how Dawn is treated like a little kid when she is 15, 16 years old? by suiriswhite

I can’t BELIEVE I never noticed that Spike only started calling Buffy “Buffy” to her face AFTER he realized he was in love with her by thequeenofsastiel

I was counting the names Spike called Buffy and the amount of times he used them in s6 because I was curious, and I noticed something interesting by thequeenofsastiel

The cars Angel keeps giving Spike by thequeenofsastiel

Angel is such a weird show to watch by jimbodyson

after buffy season 3, contrary to popular belief, angel becomes more morally grey and fucked up by after buffy season 3, contrary to popular belief, angel becomes more morally grey and fucked up

Basically i want the way Buffy is sweet to Spike in season 7 to transfer to season 4 starved and tortured Spike by skyegraves21

Scoobtober: Best Weapon in the Buffyverse? by Plasma

The impact of loss and trauma on Angel's outlook continued by Lostsoul666 and Stoney

Double Entendres by Technical_Juice_6959

The Shanshu prophecy by moses616

Best Acting Performance in Angel by Troyaferd

How was the dagger of the beast made? by Nikstar112

Do they ruin willow’s arc? by Ijustliketodraww

Angel Season 5 Poster by authenticriver

I love Anya by ClutchPencilQuadRule

Did Giles just become sexier post-Season 3? by Personal_Reward_60

Was there a moment in the show where you thought to yourself ‘I did not expect this?’ by DarkCryptt

If you had the money or the power by Vixen22213

Rewatching Hells Bells… by erulisseh

Help with this Angel art by midwest_manic

Missed opportunities by CoasterTrax

Prom by moses616

Someone finally does what we were all thinking 😆 (S3 E1) by ghostrider1938

Real time Buffy/Spike Reactions by Adventurous_Grand878

What are some interesting motifs, references, or metaphors you've found in the show that not a lot of fans catch? by Deep_Ad_2691

Buffy is BRUTAL with killing people off it makes it more realistic in a sense by hatchbackkk

this was PAINFUL [Buffy cutting her hair in Gone] by hatchbackkk

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[sleepy-harper]

╰─ ♡ about me:

୨୧┇name: harpy or harper !! though im fine w/ any name/pet name/etc etc :33

୨୧┇pronouns: they/them,, but i dont mind fem or masc petnames n terms !!

୨୧┇big age: 15

୨୧┇little age: im a dreamer,, but usually around 2-10 !!

୨୧┇extras: researched & self-diagnossd with cptsd, bpd, maladaptive daydreaming, + an assortment of other things I cannot list like this, I may take a while with requests and/or may disappear for a while (excluding my queued posts). patience is very appreciated!! <3

╰─ ♡ my favorite...

୨୧┇color: reds & pinks!!

୨୧┇animal: foxes, birdies, n lambs!!

୨୧┇songs: always shifting around but I like all tv girl songs !!

୨୧┇shows: angels of death, ninjago, we're lalaloopsy, arcane, tarot (2024 movie), skylanders academy, 2012 TMNT, 2009 strawberry shortcake, transformers rescue bots, duck duck goose, blue eyed samurai, n more 2 add!!

୨୧┇games: resident evil, horse life (roblox), poppy playtime, slime rancher, mouthwashing, fortnite, mcsm (s1), life is strange, until dawn, what remains of edith finch, n more 2 add also !!

╰─ ♡ interests & more!

୨୧┇likes: animal facts, making moodboards, sharing my opinions n just talking everyones ears off, answering asks !!

୨୧┇dislikes: marvel, x-men, star wars, stranger things, helluva boss, hazbin hotel, lots of mainstream media,, just doesnt appeal 2 me 'cept 4 a few chars,,

୨୧┇DNI LIST: proship, gore, anti-agere/petre/etc, nsfw blogs, "dark content" blogs, abdl, ddlg, kink, "mdni"??, etc

୨୧┇anon list:

୨୧┇⭐, 💕🐇, 🐕‍🦺

୨୧┇my tags:

୨୧┇#harpy anons — tag 4 my anons!!

୨୧┇#harpy caws — tags 4 me just talking :3

୨୧┇#harpy games — ask games!!

୨୧┇#harpy nest — main pages !! (such as intros, master lists mayb in the future, etc etc!!)

୨୧┇#harpy trinkets — special saves 4 me, such as dividers, DNIs, ask games, scatter collection of things I like n want 2 come back 2 !!

୨୧┇#harpys bedtime stories — fics I write!! :33

୨୧┇#harpy headcanons — headcanons!!

୨୧┇#golden stickers — special posts!! :3

୨୧┇#its nice to see queue — queued reblogs!

୨୧┇ask box status: closed.

୨୧┇ask box count: 9

୨୧┇request info:

୨୧┇I make agere re content with a few other things sprinkled in,, such as arcane, ninjago, blue eyed samurai, lalaloopsy, poppy playtime, mouthwashing, Fortnite (chapter 5 and up), mcsm, until dawn, and a handful of other interests!!

୨୧┇my main content r just basic moodboards !! I can't do stimboards but I'll make content in any other way (such as moodboards, hc lists, banners, etc!!)

୨୧┇I can try 2 make moodboards 4 chars I'm not familiar with, but that's as far as I'm willing 2 step out in unfamiliar content,,

୨୧┇please keep your requests split up!! I don't mind if you fill my inbox with different ideas, just b sure 2 separate them in different asks 2 make it easier for posting schedules!!

୨୧┇if you're requesting for a moodboard, please specify if you want extra decor on them!! otherwise I'll decide on my own <3

୨୧┇creds 2 @kodaswrld for the dividers & PFP !!

[cyberabbit]

For the character ask game, please could you do Ness?

Oh absolutely, I'm already one step away from writing a Ness manifesto!

I love Ness so much. His design right away- dead behind the eyes, soft, and something about him coming through as small despite being a pro football player. With everything from chapter 361.

2. That he got into football off the back of wanting to believe in everyday magic. It's cute.

3. It's not about him, but I hate the position he's sitting in of being blindly loyal to Kaiser. I hope he gets to make more friends.

4. He seems like someone misplaced a Dangan Ronpa character, but he deserves better. My first fandom was Shaman King and I think he'd be a great character in that.

5. Both "Fast Car" by Tracey Chapman and "Would?" by Alice in Chains.

6. AHAHAHAHA WOW OK. Ness is the other character in Blue Lock I look at and go oh no, same. We both attach ourselves easily to people and can't tell that they don't always have our best interests at heart.

7. Blue Lock fans are really good at writing Ness' unhinged responses to others, especially in relation to Kaiser. I don't think he's above putting thumbtacks in Isagi's cleats.

8. The fandom can have a habit of going to extremes with him - either making him completely soft-pure-innocent, or making him aggressively unhinged to the point he's unrecognisable. Yes, he's been heavily manipulated from being isolated and daydreaming, but he's still had all those other interactions with other characters- he still sabotages and threatens for the sake of someone else.

9. Probably couldn't be roommates with him. One of us would fly off the handle for a small reason and it'd come crumbling down. Also, two people prone to attaching in unhealthy relationships are probably a housemate match in hell.

10. Absolutely friends though! We're both the kind of weirdos who'd get into spooky LARP, make up fantasy worlds and infodump about witchcraft history while kicking a ball around.

11. Ness is very much not my type of partner! I couldn't handle someone idolising me, or tolerate Kaiser being a factor.

12. He's still an avid reader, and will devour both romantic fantasy and magical realism fiction. He wants to visit Disneyland with friends, particularly Kaiser. Also I'm a BPD Ness truther.

13. While :> makes me think of him, I think he'd use ❤️ a lot!

14. He's a dark academica girlie, but not the grey-beige kind. He's the intersection of the nerd-goth axis. Dark academia at Halloween.

15. I like Kainess because it's radioactive levels of toxic. I think he needs to be on his own and have friends before he needs a relationship, really, but I think Kurona/Ness is cute (+ I read a fic where Hiori was involved too). Nanase/Ness could be cute too?

16. There isn't a Ness ship I don't like. There isn't really much for him beyond Kaiser, Isagi and Kurona!

17. Isagi/Ness. It's fine I guess? I just wouldn't read it. It'd be cool if they became friends though.

18. Ness doesn't really have anything in the way of other relationships in canon, and the one he does have... ooft no, too relatable.

19. I don't dislike it, I think it's great in the story, but how his relationship with Kaiser is makes me so sad.

20. Nanase! Give Ness an emotional support Nanase! I think he'd be good friends with Kurona and Hiori too... maybe even Bachira. Add him to the Just Little Guys gang. Especially because I don't think Hiori would tolerate him exploding, but handle it well.

21. He's fun to write when you explore his interests outside of football! I like to imagine how he'd dress, decorate his space, and how football is part of it but not the same as characters like Barou or Isagi where football is football- with Ness, it's part of his daydreaming and attempts to connect with the world around him in a whimsical way. Sometimes when I write him I feel like I focus on him being mentally ill that it clouds writing everything else when they should all actually be interacting together.

22. My fic likes & dislikes are the same as my answers to how I feel about his fandom interpretation!

23. The panel where he's smiling at Kaiser in the shower. Did it ever actually happen? Who knows.

24. Mikan Tsumiki from Dangan Ronpa. Kaiser is just Junko Enoshima. Trust me on this one.

25. I thought he was cute and absolutely unhinged. Now it's sort of the same but I think he deserves a blanket, a hug and a big pretzel.

26. I truly hope Ness realises his worth and Kaiser has to come to terms with losing him!

[myfandomrambles]

Do you see Thirteen as having ADHD? She was the first face of The Doctor this face saw. I have ADHD and possibly ASD as well, and I absolutely LOVE her and relate to her. She helped me through tough times. Always had me stimming from excitement every episode. I always looked forward to watching her new episodes. After five years of waiting for her boxset, I finally have all of New Who on DVD. I am currently binging her era. Still so exciting! I can see myself in her and I saw she was written intentionally with ASD traits. I saw a Reddit post from a med student who listed out the ADHD traits. I saw your post on Ten and Eleven being Neurodivergent so I figured I'd ask your input :)

Oh, absolutely she's neurodivergent!!! I consider all of the doctors to have Autism & ADHD. I wrote This post about her ADHD & autism after series 12 I need to update it to include the specials & flux. I'm sorry it's not more up-to-date!

I'm currently writing about her C-PTSD & BPD symptoms analysis which I'll finally have done years too late 🙃. But I'm liking what I have so far on that! I'll post that here and when I update her ASD & ADHD chapter I will post that too. Though like seriously I have NO idea how long that will take. (I have so many writing projects it hurts lol)

My neurodivergent Doctor Who-related writings are posted under the tag The Doctor Study here & On AO3 under the same name! If you look through tag/series there is an alysis of 9 in it as well! along with most of the classic doctors if that sounds interesting to you at all

So yeah!

[bookish-bogwitch]

Thank you @roomwithanopenfire, @rimeswithpurple, @blackberrysummerblog, @nausikaaa, @larkral,

@hushed-chorus, @alexalexinii, @monbons, @whatevertheweather, @run-for-chamo-miles,

@artsyunderstudy, @mooncello, @brilla-brilla-estrellita, @forabeatofadrum, and @aristocratic-otter for the tags over the past few weeks. I've had a crazy month (90% in crazy a good way) and too frazzled to come up with my own WIP posts, but have enjoyed reading yours and being included.

Here are six ten moody little sentence from Chapter 11 of Basil Pitch's Diary. (In case you missed it, I posted Ch. 10, September, a few weeks ago, then fled the country.) Baz is hanging in in Niall and Dev's room:

The last time I was here with Niall, he’d told me to hold out for more than ear scritches and the occasional carrot. Now we sat on his bed with a chessboard between us. “Baz,” Niall said quietly. “What are you doing?”  “Beating you.” I moved my queen to menace his remaining bishop. “With Snow, I mean.” Niall did that thing where the rook and king hop around, which shouldn’t be allowed, and I realized he’d won. Again. Somewhere, in a parallel universe, there is a me who grew up with someone to play against, demolishing a Niall who never went to math camp.

Below the cut: musing, a posting plan, and more tags.

Musing: I've actually written a ton since the last chapter even though I've been AWOL, but for a while no matter what I wrote, Baz felt out of character. I'd write a scene, like it, and then think "but why is he doing this?" Then I'd rewrite with Baz behaving completely differently, and that also felt OOC.

I worried that I'd somehow doomed myself with inconsistent characterization, but then I figured it out: Baz at this point is deeply inconsistent. He presents himself to the world one way, he tells the reader / himself that he's something else, and deep down he's a secret third thing. And sometimes his masks slip.

To some extent this is every unreliable narrator. But boyo has REALLY tangled himself up at this point. Something's gotta give. Until it does--which it will, soon--I have to be very clear in my mind, even if Baz isn't, about which Baz is driving the Baz at any given moment.

A lot of you can do that sort of thing intuitively. I can't. So I've been building this out (showing you just the headers b/c spoilers):

This might stultify some (most?) of you. For me, though, it's freeing. When my brain isn't trying to keep track of everything, my imagination can unfurl.

"'Everything'?" you ask. "This isn't that plotty a fic." It's not, but it's already 2.5x longer than anything else I've written, which means developing skills I haven't needed before. Anyway, my BPD chart and I are having fun. We're very happy together.

Posting Plan

I pushed myself to get Ch. 10 up before leaving home for three weeks, because Ch. 9 had ended on such a wretched note. While I was happy to have gotten it up, I didn't love the self-imposed time crunch (though betas @cutestkilla, @facewithoutheart, and @thewholelemon were fuckin' heroes). Feeling rushed had me stressing and second-guessing choices that were probably fine.

My plan now is to pause updates until I have at least a very rough first draft of the final chapter, then post it all at regular intervals. I know a longish pause means some folks who'd been reading along will wait until it's complete, if they return at all. To those folks--sorry, and I get it, and thank you for reading in the first place, and I love you.

Tags and shy waves to @brendughh  @beastmonstertitan  @carryonsimoncarryonbaz  @carryonmylovelies  @creepyspice

@comesitintheclover @cows4247 @confused-bi-queer @artsyunderstudy@chen-chen-chen-again-chen

@chronicallyhomoerotic @drowninginships @dragoneggos @excalisbury @emeryhall

@erzbethluna @ebbpettier @fight-surrender @fatalfangirl @gay-at-ikea

@fiend-for-culture @forabeatofadrum @foolofabookwyrm-activated @arthurkko @j-nipper-95

@gekkoinapeartree @goblindad-emoshit @henreyettah @hertragedyconnoisseur @hushed-chorus

@icarus-n-flames @ineffable-grimm-pitch @ic3-que3n @ionlydrinkhotwater @iamamythologicalcreature

 @ileadacharmedlife @ivelovedhimthroughworse @shrekgogurt @im-gettingby @youarenevertooold

@monbons @mooncello @raenestee @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @messofthejess

[hrtbrkwthrs]

Second Chance

Status: In Progress , On Hiatus

This is a High School Musical: The Musical: The Series fanfiction that follows Blake Sahan alongside her childhood best friend and first love, Ricky Bowen.

This series loosely follows the plot of the show, each chapter being based on every episode. A few notes:

Blake Sahan's faceclaim is Maitreyi Ramakrishnan.

Timeline might be a lil wonky at times, but I tried my darndest to get it right (also might not be perfectly aligned with the show)

There will be a few differences in this series from the show to fit the new storylines.

Some differences include: Gina doesn't fall for Ricky, Ricky and his dad don't move out, and more.

Ricky Bowen has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), though it's unknown at first.

Blake has BPD, pre-established.

Disclaimer: All BPD storylines are loosely inspired by my own personal experiences! (beautiful princess disorder sol xoxo)

Also, this series will involve cursing. I don't care. #Let Ricky Bowen Say Fuck! (and they did! hehe thank you s4 writers)

There's gonna be A LOT of those cheesy/cliche tropes and I'm not even sorry.

childhood best friends to lovers

falls first x falls harder

hurt/comfort

one-sided pining

mutual pining

I will add trigger warnings specific for each chapter, but here are some general trigger warnings for this series:

Alcoholism

Addiction

Mental health (mainly Borderline Personality Disorder)

Toxic relationships

Poor relationship with parent / absent father

Death of parent

Occasionally some adult themes

Season 1

Ep.1 Ep.2 Flashback Ep.3 Ep.4 Ep.5 Ep.6 Ep.7 Ep.8 Ep.9 Ep.10

Season 2

Ep.1 Ep.2 Ep.3 Ep.4 Ep.5 Ep.6 Ep.7 Ep.8 Ep.9 Ep.10 Ep.11 Ep.12

Season 3

Ep.1 Ep.2 Ep.3 Ep.4 Ep.5 Ep.6 Ep.7 Ep.8

Season 4

Ep.1 Ep.2 Ep.3 Ep.4 Ep.5 Ep.6 Ep.7 Ep.8

dividers: @kodaswrld

photoshop/manip: @cihkennugget on twitter

[fbfh]

rocks at your window pt. 9 - ricky bowen x reader

disclaimer: this series contains smut and chapter by chapter warnings, so as with all nsfw works, ricky is aged up to 18+!! ricky and reader are 18 and in their senior year

additionally, we're working towards a ricky x therapy plot so he's going to start expressing some symptoms of mental illness and bpd but he does get therapy eventually and has a good support system but he gets worse before he gets better yk. Obviously I'm not a professional and this is for entertainment so while I have done my research pls take this with a grain of salt!! or several!! /lh

!! contains some spoilers for season 1 of hsmtmts, and previous chapters of this fic !!

wc: 9.6k

genre: angst, hurt/comfort, not really fluff but a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows

pairing: ricky bowen x (afab she/her) reader

warnings: miss jenn is a legend icon queen slay goddess (cited two times), iconic interactions between the cast, jealous ricky being a cutie, ricky and EJ are not bros yet, nini has gone from messy to borderline evil, your mom is a legend, kourtney anxiety foreshadowing, opening night/theatre vibes so strong it made me tear up a little /hj, lynne bowen is a horrible horrible toxic person!!!, todd jumpscare, ricky has a mental breakdown, EJ is trying his best but horribly misreads the situation, ricky is in a crisis, ricky bpd episode, art to cope :'), ricky has a good support system, reader is good in a crisis, nini is REALLY testing your patience, gina gets a well deserved moment to shine, terrible theatre etiquette, ricky gets emotionally ambushed, mike is a good dad, nini gets yelled at by reader (slay), reader yells at lynne (slay), reader gets slapped (in a dramatic way not a violent or sexy way), reader gets called a slut as an insult, ricky defends you, messy necessary screaming match (slay), things are said that cannot be unsaid :/

summary: opening night is just as magical and incredible as ricky hoped it would be, just as wonderful as you made it sound - until the worst case scenario comes to fruition. but the show must go on, right?

song recs: something about this night - finding neverland obc, twenty million people - my favorite year obc, opening up - waitress obc, twinkle in her eye - leann rimes, window seat - amelie obc, this is how I disappear (instrumental) - my chemical romance, un organo suona - ennio morricone, the music and the mirror - a chorus line obc, holding onto you - twenty one pilots, you oughta know - jagged little pill obc

other media: "art is not a luxury, it's sustinance" - ethan hawke ted talk clip, "and the way he sings sends a chill right through me" - lullaby for the taken lyric by kimya dawson, "what a mother does for you out of obligation vs what a mother does for you because she wants to" - text post/poem by tumblr user vympr,

a/n: fangz to cici for reading!!! I felt like my immortal chapter 6 "paragraph" 4 while writing the last part trying not to under or overuse dialog tags lmao. remember when I said it's gonna get messy? it gets worse :)

tags @yesv01 @hopefullhearts @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @afidiofobia @aliyahsutherland @pikzel @demirunner @brinaslittlefreak @girlfriendwhoseawitch @matiere-detoiles @ifilwtmfc @uselesssapphickitten @nxstalgicnxbxdy @ggclarissa @n-slayaaaaa @stormi-ames @rainforest-daisies @sunshineangel-reads

You and Ricky had been planning to get to the El Rey early on opening night since tech week, to make sure you have plenty of extra time to get ready, warm up, and get in character. Plus, you’ve been telling him how much you’ve missed just being in theaters, and near stages. The more time you’re there, the better. When you’re on the way over Ricky couldn’t shake the excitement gripping him. You can’t seem shake the feeling something was going to go wrong.

It was different from nerves, different from anxiety or worries that everyone can get before a big event. It was the same small, nudging feeling you got the night the basement flooded during your run in Matilda. It’s not as bad as it had been that time, but you take in a breath, steadying yourself and knowing you should be ready for anything. When you do, the feeling is quickly overshadowed by your excitement. You haven’t acted in far too long, and you’re ecstatic that you’ll get to perform again soon. 

Once you get to the theater, you and Ricky are the first to sign the sign in sheet. You draw a little smiley face next to his name, and when he glances back at you, eyes falling on the paper. He smiles, struck by sudden joy at the little face. He leans back over and grabs a pen, drawing a smiley next to your name on the line below. Miss Jenn glances down when he returns the pen. 

“Oh!” she exclaims, seeing the little faces, “How cute. I love this energy we’re creating.” she gestures vaguely before shooing you off to your respective dressing rooms to get ready. 

Soon everyone’s there, and you’re once again wrapped up in the familiar hustle and bustle of show nights. You and your castmates are simultaneously getting in costume, warming up, and trying to get ready while helping each other’s hair and makeup. Ashlyn and Nini join you in an impromptu karaoke session, singing your hearts out to Bop to the Top while Nina riffs and harmonizes. The boys, one or two rooms away, start singing Getcha Head in the Game at the same time. In spite of the chaotic cacophony of voices, it's both a good way to warm up, and a good outlet for the nervous energy growing, bouncing from one person to the next, turning electric. 

Kourney enters suddenly, grabbing some bobby pins.

"Do you know if you have any safety pins?" She asks.

"Uh," you pause doing your hair, tying it up into a bouncy low half updo, and fumble through your bag, "how many do you need?" 

"Two or three?" She says hopefully. No matter how many you buy, bobby pins and safety pins always seem to be in short supply at every theater you've been to. You dig around for a minute before finding them, handing them to Kourtney.

"Thank you!" She declares, "Seb's shirt just completely-"

"Has anyone seen my glasses?" Ashlyn asks, and Kourtney pauses, noticing she's not wearing them. 

"Shit," Kourtney mutters, both of you looking around for them.

"Knock knock!" Comes Seb’s voice from behind the door.

"Decent!" You and Ashlyn reply in unison. Seb enters, holding the side of his shirt together with his hands. 

"Any luck?" He asks Kourtney. 

"Right here," she replies, holding up the safety pins. "Turn around." Nina puts in her headphones and starts doing some vocal exercises and scales to warm up a little more. Seb lifts up his jacket so Kourtney can pin the ripped seam back together.

"Oh," she remembers, "have you seen Ashlyn’s glasses?"

"The really big ones?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"Nope." He shrugs. She turns to Ashlyn. 

"We'll find them." Kourtney reassures her. Seb heads back to his dressing room he shares with Ricky and EJ, and you move on to the last few steps of your makeup routine. 

"Where are they?" Ashlyn huffs rhetorically. Natalie pokes her head in a moment later. 

"40 minutes till show time!"

"Thank you 40!" The three of you reply together. A little while later, you’re finally dressed and waiting for the glue on your eyelashes to get tacky, when you hear EJ call your name. You stumble out of your dressing room, zipping up your boot, and you’re greeted with EJ in his Chad costume, clearly in a huff. 

“Can you help me with my eyeliner?” he asks, a slightly petulant tone to his voice, handing you a black pencil. You laugh. 

“Yeah, hold on.” you go back into your dressing room, passing by Seb telling Kourtney something. You dig through your makeup bag as Seb reenters, Darbus glasses in hand, presenting them to Ashlyn. 

"Where were they?" She exclaims. 

"The prop table!" He says. 

"Why?" Ash asks, stating your thoughts exactly. 

"Natalie says they're technically a prop because in the detention scene when you…" you find what you're looking for, missing the tail end of his sentence as you leave a moment later with a stiff angled brush in hand. You grab EJ and lead him to the stairs where he can sit down. He does so, and you rub the bristles against the eyeliner, demonstrating for him. 

“This will make the application a lot more precise. Close your eyes…” you instruct, tilting his head back. You smudge the outside of his lash lines, careful not to make it look like too much. 

“Okay, now this is the scary part…” you trail off, gently lifting up his eyelid. “I swear I’m not going to stab you, just look down and don’t blink.” you instruct at the worried look on his face. You tight line the middle of his lash line for a defined, natural effect, then repeat the step on the other side. 

“Okay,” you say, pulling away to check that it looks even, unaware of Ricky standing a few feet away, watching you hold EJ’s face. You look so focused, and a twinge of jealousy flashes through his stomach, wishing you were holding his face, looking focused at him like that. 

“You should be good,” you say, and Ricky approaches, dragging you away as EJ thanks you.

“I just need to borrow her for a second.” he cuts EJ off, smiling tensely at him - one he returns. Ricky takes you a few feet away while EJ goes back into their dressing room. 

“What’s up?” you ask. He lets out a breathy laugh.

“I just… I can’t figure out this whole bronzer thing.” You bite back a smile. You know that  it’s bullshit, specifically because you went through his whole stage makeup routine with him twice last night. He could do his makeup and anyone else’s with one hand tied behind his back, so he obviously just wants your attention. You can’t deny that it’s really cute - and it’s working. He’s probably nervous, you figure. You chuckle, taking the brush from him. 

“Make a fish face,” you instruct, sucking in your cheeks and puckering your lips. His face mirrors yours, and you blend the product into his foundation. Your hand rests on his jaw, angling it this way and that until you’re satisfied with your work. He glances briefly back at the stairs, where EJ has long since left. Ricky’s about to look for any other excuse to keep you here for a few more minutes, your eyes light up, remembering something.

“Oh!” you exclaim, turning around, “Stay right here.” You’re back a moment later after digging through your bag past bobby pins, safety pins, your water bottle, script, sewing kit, extra makeup, makeup wipes, bandaids, and throat lozenges. You grab a small box, holding it triumphantly before running back out to Ricky in the hall. You stand in front of him, that glimmer in your eye. 

“I have a surprise.” Excitement swirls in his chest.

“What is it?” he asks, trying to suppress the anticipatory giggle bubbling up, his energy matching yours. You hand him the small box, and he looks at it, confused. He opens it slowly, pulling out a little charm. It’s a dog tag with the number 14, and a metallic T on a jump ring.

“Oh my god…” he breathes, looking at it closer. You’re beaming, so glad that he likes it. 

“You know,” you say softly, “something to remember your first show by. And your heart ring was looking kind of lonely.” You smile, pointing to the plastic ring he still wears around his neck, waiting until the last possible minute to take it off. You barely get the words out before he grabs your arms, pulling you close and kissing you. His lips are warm as they move against yours, and for a split second, you forget where you are, completely losing context for everything around you. 

“I love-” he murmurs against your mouth, freezing for an instant. Your hearts skip a beat in tandem, then he cuts himself off to kiss you again. “I love it.” he finishes. You smile against his lips, pulling away very reluctantly. He leans back in, pressing a few more kisses to your lips before you wiggle out of his grasp. 

“Ricky!” you laugh, “We’re gonna mess up our makeup. We can kiss after the show.” He runs his fingers up and down your arms, gazing at you as you talk. You have all his attention. 

“Okay,” he says in that light hearted, joking tone of his that always makes you laugh, “but I’m gonna hold you to that.” You laugh again, and he takes off his necklace so you can slip on the new charm. After getting it fixed on the chain, you reattach it to his neck. 

At the end of the hall where you’re standing, Nina lingers, watching Ricky touch you and kiss you like that. It makes her sick, and she finds herself holding back a gag. Her hours of research had turned into days, and she has your playbill.com page open on her phone at this very moment. She’s torn, reminiscing over how much she loved your performances and how obsessed with you she was as a kid, and simultaneously fuming over it. You’ve done all this professional work, you’ve acted on Broadway, and now you’re here at East High? 

She scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. She wanted so badly to be you, to have your perfect life, and you threw it all away for what? To come do crappy high school theatre in a town that couldn’t be further from New York? She fights a laugh suddenly, realizing just how much dirt she has on you. There must be a reason you’ve been keeping this secret, lying to everyone, lying to Ricky. She shakes her head. She doesn’t know why yet, but she’s going to find out. 

35 minutes before curtain, Miss Jenn gathers everyone for circle time, and a cast meeting to boost morale before the show. Everyone is finally in costume and Kourtney follows Seb, makeup pallet in hand, adjusting the finishing touches to the glitter on his cheeks. You can feel the energy stirring and growing, electric between all of you. 

“Most of you know that our dazzling Taylor had to leave under family circumstances. Gina sends her love and support, but has left for the east coast and will not be able to make it to tonight’s performance.” Miss Jenn says. You and Ricky share a look, trying not to be too obvious. You got Gina a plane ticket together, and your mom is at the airport right now to pick her up. The last you heard from her, Gina’s flight was delayed. Now there’s only a slim chance she’ll get here in time. You silently keep your fingers crossed, praying to whatever theatre gods are out there that she’ll make it to the theater before it's too late. 

“And so,” Miss Jenn continues, “I have asked… Kourtney to fill in, in her place!”

The room erupts into cheers. Kourtney smiles, eyes on the floor bashfully. She’s praying she doesn’t seem as nervous as she feels. It’s not that she didn’t expect you guys to be supportive of her subbing in as Taylor, but seeing first hand how excited everyone is for her eases some of the worries that have been building up. 

“Now,” Miss Jenn continues, “everyone join hands.” After some heartfelt words of encouragement and other usual circle time warm ups, she claps her hands.

“Let’s go, wildcats! 20 minutes to curtain!”

Once again, the room erupts into cheers. 

“Now, if I can get my main characters and my ensemble members starting the show with a mic on stage for mic check?” she directs, pointing towards the way to the wings. You walk with everyone else towards the stage, pausing when you pass Miss Jenn. 

“Do you want me to help Kourtney get ready?” you ask. Her hair and makeup are done, she just has to get in costume, but you can sense that she needs a pep talk. 

“That would be fantastic,” she says with a look that indicates she thinks Kourtney could use a pep talk too, “thank you, Sharpay.” She pulls out her walkie to let Big Red know you and Kourtney are going to be released from mic check early to finish getting ready. After singing We’re All In This Together while Big Red adjusts your volume from the sound booth, Kourtney sings Bop to the Top, voice getting louder and quieter as Red tweaks the settings. Once you’ve both gotten the thumbs up, you scurry backstage to your dressing room, handing her costume pieces while she gets changed. 

“Oh, wait,” you say before she pulls on her top. You grab your setting spray you use for shows from your bag. “Close your eyes.” You mist her face with the product, fanning it dry so it doesn’t smudge. 

“Thanks,” she says. You take one look at her expression, and can tell she’s nervous.  

“You okay?” You ask. She hesitates, then sighs.

“I had two weeks to learn all my lines. I had two weeks to learn all the lines and the songs, I haven’t even gotten to rehearse on stage with you guys, and I’m just so worried I’m going to blow it, or choke in front of everyone…” she trails off. This is clearly the tip of the iceberg, and she fiddles with her bracelets, trying to get out some nervous energy. 

“There is no way you’re going to choke.” you say confidently, “You know this show inside and out! Plus, haven’t you been running lines with Nini the whole time?” you ask.

“Yeah,” she replies, listening carefully, trying to grab onto your reassurance.

“Almost all of Taylor’s scenes are with Gabriella.” You state. Her expression changes as she realizes you’re right. She knows this part better than she was giving herself credit for. 

“Plus there will be scripts in the wings if you need to refresh between scenes.” 

“Yeah,” she says again, more confident this time. “I know my lines, I know the songs, I know the dances - mostly, at least - so it’s all going to be fine! Even if the choreography in Stick to the Status Quo is still totally terrifying, and I have no idea how to dance with a lunch tray or do a death wack, it’s going to be fine!” Her laughter turned from relieved to slightly panicked again. 

“You think you’re nervous for Stick to the Status Quo?” you ask rhetorically, a comedic note to your voice, “I have to get caked in the face!” You exclaim with a chuckle. You’ve only practiced with an actual cake once, during the last tech rehearsal, and it was messy, to say the least. Literally and figuratively. 

Kourtney laughs, remembering the whipped cream that got everywhere, how loud you were yelling in character before storming off. It took more makeup wipes than you'd expected to get the sticky sugar off your face. 

“We’ll get through it together.” You state, holding out your hand. She squeezes it, reassuringly.

“Yeah. We will.” 

“Five minutes to places!” Natalie calls, poking her head in. 

“Thank you five!” you both reply. You check your phone one last time, the new text from your mom stating that she’s still at the airport, waiting for Gina’s flight. You text Ricky the same thing, letting him know you’re all still waiting for more updates on the delay. The good news is that your mom’s friend from work - who was planning on coming to see the show anyway - is going to stream the show to your mom until she can get there, that way she won’t miss anything. 

It doesn’t feel like five minutes has gone by when Natalie is calling for places, ushering everybody into the wings and into their starting places and positions. Hushed whispers of encouragement and break a leg spread through the wings, and everyone falls silent as Miss Jenn begins her curtain speech. It’s unusual for a group of such high energy people to be so still, so quiet, and you soak up every moment of it. This is your favorite part - or one of them, at least; it's those few fleeting minutes when everyone’s backstage in the wings, the opening of the show is seconds away and hurdling closer and closer with every breath, every heartbeat. This is one of those magical, transformative, fleeting times that can only really be described as in between. 

You never knew just how much you would miss this, the distinct and irreplaceable energy, the feeling of being in a theater. Tears spring to your eyes as it really hits you that you’re home, back where you’ve always needed to be. You close your eyes, taking deep, measured breaths to focus, to get into that headspace of being in character. Even with your eyes closed, you can feel it around you; the rich wood and cement mixing into different sections of the floor, the heavy curtains, the grid and catwalk and lights, all intangibly high and far away. It’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful that you don’t know how your body is supposed to contain it. You know now that you could never leave, not really. Theatre will always be your home, and you know this feeling will only solidify more and more with time. You realize, too, that it’s a home that will always grow and change and evolve with you, because that’s in its eternal, fleeting nature. That’s the most beautiful part, you think.

You squeeze Seb’s hand in excitement and encouragement and every other good thing, a gesture that he returns. In spite of the silence and the stillness, you know that everyone is just as excited as you are. Ricky’s in the opposite wing, or else you’d be squeezing his hand right now too right now. You use this moment, this stillness that's growing and getting more charged with energy every second, to become laser focused on giving this performance everything you've got - on really getting your head in the game. 

Nini looks around, then over at Ricky - again. He’s been avoiding her this whole night, and she can’t stand it. She leans closer. 

“I need to talk to you. After the show.” someone shushes her, and she lowers her voice, continuing. “She’s been lying to you about everything. You don’t know everything about her, Ricky.” 

“Yes, I-” he cuts himself off, not wanting to feed into this. Not now. “I have to get into character.” He says, moving away from her. He tries to focus on the energy the cast is creating around him, on becoming Troy. He takes a breath, centering himself. 

“Without further ado, I am proud to present… East High’s High School Musical: the Musical!” Miss Jenn’s voice is drowned out by applause, and the music begins. 

The first few songs and scenes go smoothly; everyone is on time and remembering their cues, and the audience couldn’t be more engaged, applauding and laughing right when you want them to. During Jack Scott’s announcements after Darbus reveals what the winter musical is going to be, you leave to get ready for What I’ve Been Looking For. You pass by Ricky, who’s quick changing for Get’cha Head in the Game, and shoot him a big thumbs up.

“Great job!” you whisper enthusiastically, stomping your feet quietly in excitement.

“Thanks,” he smiles, beaming as he pulls on his jersey. He watches you scurry down the hall before getting nudged toward the stage right before his cue. He shakes his head, wondering why he let Nini get him so worked up before. Of course he knows you. He knows everything about you! There’s absolutely nothing on earth you could tell him that would throw him off, or scare him away from you. She’s probably just making something up to get in his head, to drive a wedge between you. That seems like something she would do lately.

“Let’s see some hustle! Move, move, move!” Coach Bolton calls from onstage, and Ricky jogs over to him, as ready as he'll ever be.

“Sorry I’m late, coach.”

As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, as much as he’s trying to stay in character and stay focused on the scene, Nini’s words are still echoing in the back of his mind, throwing him off a little. He catches his dad’s eye in the crowd as the music starts. He doesn’t think he’s ever looked this proud, and it steadies Ricky. He takes in a breath, and begins to sing. Part way through the song, he notices a woman in the crowd who looks weirdly like his mom. He doesn’t miss a beat, making sure to look in his dad’s direction instead. That’s weird, he thinks, but it can’t be her. There’s no way she’d come all the way from Chicago for something like this. Just like what Nini said to him before the show, he won’t let that distract him from performing, and tries not to let that throw him off.

During the dance break, he gets hooked up to his harness, and his stomach erupts into excited butterflies as he slowly moves up. There’s a collective gasp from the crowd that turns into cheers as he hovers in front of the hoop, ball in hand. Up here, he’s not blinded by the stage lights, and he looks down at the crowd, able to see his dad’s face even better than before. He’s filled with such euphoria, he knows you’re right - nothing can beat this feeling. He feels more alive, more awake than he ever has, simultaneously enveloped by a deep sense of peace, of rightness that he doesn’t want to let go of. 

On the other side of the auditorium, someone moves, catching his eye. Some guy is making his way into his seat, presumably because he showed up late. He leans over to his date, kissing her and touching her leg. Nothing could have prepared Ricky for what he saw when he pulled away. Past the blinding stage lights, his stomach plummets back down to earth as he’s able to make out more faces in the audience - including hers. She’s here. She’s really here, and she brought that douchebag with her. She’s whispering something in that bastard’s ear, barely five rows away from his dad. They’re all over each other, talking close and kissing and smiling. 

It’s only when she points up at him that he snaps out of it. He realizes the pit has been waitin for his cue a beat or two longer than usual, and follows up quickly with it. He had dropped his basketball when he was up there, and he’s scrambling to make it through the rest of the number. He tries desperately to get back into character, to focus on the lyrics and choreography, to focus on the music instead of what he just saw in front of him, but he can’t shake what just happened, what he just saw. Even as he’s being pulled backstage to change into the costume for his next scene, it takes all his effort not to let that overwhelm him. He can’t crumble right now, not like this. There’s a whole cast and crew, all his friends, that are counting on him. He gets some water, tries to pull himself together. 

EJ looks for Ricky backstage, having a few minutes before their next scene. Even he has to admit he was impressed with Ricky’s performance back there. He looked so conflicted, so torn between basketball and singing. He even managed to make his distracted blocking and choreography look so organic EJ was worried he’d messed up for a second. He’s been giving him a hard time, butting heads on and off stage, but Ricky is really shining tonight. He’s committed, and EJ has to commend him for that. 

“Ricky,” he says, just loudly enough to get his attention. Ricky turns around. “I have to hand it to you; you’re doing great out there, man. You deserve all the applause you’re getting.” 

Ricky takes a breath, closing his water bottle.

“Thanks.” 

He stares into space to the ceiling on EJ’s right, gripping his water bottle until his knuckles have a white cast to them. EJ’s brow furrows. He actually seems a little out of it. 

“Are you okay?” he asks carefully. They’re not really close like that, but even EJ can see that he seems a little off. 

“I’m fine,” he says a little too fast. “I am totally fine. Because it’s opening night, and nothing’s going to ruin this.” 

Suddenly it makes sense. He knows exactly what Ricky’s going through. He sighs. 

“Look, everybody gets stage fright. Just take a deep breath, and use the music and your lines to stay grounded.” He claps Ricky on the shoulder supportively.

“Thanks,” he chokes out again. EJ leaves to fix his mic tape, and Ricky is once again exactly where he doesn’t want to be - alone with his thoughts. Even though EJ has no idea of the scope of issues Ricky’s dealing with right now, his advice might still work. Instead of waiting in his dressing room, he hovers in the wings, going over the chemistry class scene as it happens, waiting for the lights to go down so he can talk to you, or at least be near you. He’s so tempted to barge onstage and drag you away with him. Instead he listens closely to your dialog with Gabriella. Just hearing your voice is enough for him to hold on to for now.

The lights go down, and you exit into the wings. You’re surprised to find Ricky there - he usually comes up about half way through Jack Scott’s narration. One look at his face and you know something’s wrong. Before you can ask, he’s pulling you into a less busy area by the prop table. 

“She’s here.” He grips your arm, hand shaking. He doesn’t need to say anything else, you already have a full grasp on the gravity of the situation, the effect this is having on him. 

“Here?” you ask, needing to clarify, and he nods. “Are you okay?” you ask sincerely.

“I’m…” he struggles for an answer, “trying to be.” You take his hands in yours so gently he doesn’t even notice until your thumbs are stroking his skin reassuringly.

“Okay,” you say calmly, and he can see the gears turning, see you figuring out the perfect solution as you speak. “Why don’t you have some water, stay right here, and I’ll go get Miss Jenn, okay?” 

He nods, and you move quickly to Natalie, asking her if she knows where Miss Jenn is. She picks up her walkie talkie, asking Miss Jenn to come to the stage right wing. Jack’s narration scene wraps up and the crew changes the set to Darbus’s detention. You have seconds before you have to get out there, and you turn to Ricky, worried about him. 

“Are you going to be okay?” you ask in a hushed whisper. 

“Yeah.” he says, “I think so.” 

You see Miss Jenn walking toward the stage right wing as you’re about to head onstage.

“We’ll talk to her right after.” you tell him in a hushed, reassuring whisper. You give his hand one more squeeze before you find your places in the dark. Moments later, the lights are up, and the scene begins. In all the time you’ve spent acting, you’ve gotten very good at staying in character, compartmentalizing thoughts and worries about your personal life while you’re onstage. You find it a little more difficult to keep the disgust at Lynne Bowen’s blatant lack of basic respect, or even awareness for the consequences of her actions, buried in the back of your mind as the scene plays out. 

Sitting on the wooden flooring of the stage, warm under the bright lights, Ricky does exactly what he’s supposed to do - he uses the scene and dialog to stay grounded. He follows the dialog while doing his stage business, listening for his cues just like Miss Jenn thought him to do. If he stays in character, he doesn’t have to think about any offstage drama. As long as he doesn’t look out to that section of seats, as long as he can keep his eyes from being magnetically drawn there, he’s going to be fine. He stays in character, stays right there as Troy, clinging to his character like a life raft. If he can be Troy, he doesn’t have to worry about everything he’s going to have to deal with as Ricky for just a few more minutes. It's desperate and fleeting, but it's the only thing he can do right now. 

Soon, the lights are down, and you’re hustling toward the stage right wing, where you know Miss Jenn is waiting. He finds your hand in the dark, the sparkly pink sequins on your outfit unmistakable even in the darkness. He holds onto you desperately, until you’re both standing in front of Miss Jenn. She knows from one look that whatever is going on, it’s bad. 

“Um," Ricky starts, swallowing hard, "my mom is here…” he hates that his voice is already trembling so soon. It sounds more like a question than a statement, and his stomach twists at how foreign the word now feels in his mouth. My mom. The last time he called her that had been months ago when he told you and Miss Jenn what had happened. Ever since he’s only referred to her through pronouns and as briefly as possible, trying to disconnect the person she is from who she was supposed to be. Who he thought she was. The closest he’s gotten to addressing her has been vague statements; she didn’t call back, or I think that was her recipe, let’s find a different one. Actually saying it, actually calling her that makes his jaw feel stiff. 

“My god.” Miss Jenn says softly, unable to believe that she could have the audacity to show up unannounced after what she put Ricky through. Ricky hesitates, and she knows there’s more. She nods, waiting for him to continue. 

“And she, uh,” he swallows thickly, hating his throat for tightening up so much when he has to sing in a few minutes, “she brought her boyfriend…” Your eyes widen and Miss Jenn gasps. 

“They’re in the sixth row, they keep talking and kissing, and-” he cuts himself off, unable to continue. His hands are balled up, tight and shaking. 

“Okay. Ricky, sweetie, why don’t we talk about this somewhere a little more private.” You both guide him to the boys’ dressing room, and after making sure no one’s in there, she sits down facing him, and takes his hands in hers. 

“From the beginning, what happened?” 

He was barely able to get it out the first time, but now he can’t stop. Everything he’s been trying so hard to ignore and shove down for the last 20 minutes - and it’s felt way longer than 20 minutes - comes tumbling out. He doesn't think he could stop talking if he tried. He doesn’t even realize how loud he’s getting until Miss Jenn gently shushes him. 

“We don’t want the audience to hear us.” he nods, taking a breath for the first time since he started talking. You left a minute ago to check on how much time you have before the next scene, and reenter the dressing room now, looking stressed. 

“They’re almost done with Auditions.” you state. You need to go up there now, you and Seb have What I’ve Been Looking For soon, and you don’t want to miss your cue. 

“Go,” she says. Ricky nods, so you do, knowing that Miss Jenn has this under control, that she can help Ricky right now. Your footsteps recede, and Ricky turns back to Miss Jenn. 

“Ricky,” she starts calmly, “what she did was wildly inappropriate.” He already feels a little better, less crazy, and he waits for her to continue. 

“Showing up unannounced with a…" she chooses her words carefully, "date, was… probably the worst thing that could have happened tonight.” 

“Yeah,” he scoffs in agreement. She continues.

“You have every right to be as upset as you are. Whatever you need right now, just tell me, okay?” He nods. “I think what we should do is get your dad, and let him know what’s going on. I can try to have one of the ushers escort her out, but I’m sure the last thing you want tonight is even more drama.” 

“Got that right,” he breathes, relieved. 

“I’m going to talk to EJ and see if he can go on as Troy-” 

“What? No.” he protests. 

“Ricky-” 

“No, Miss Jenn- I have to play Troy. Please, I have to!” 

“It might be best for you-” 

He stands up suddenly. “What’s best for me is going out there; acting and singing, like we rehearsed -  like I’m supposed to! Please, you can’t…” 

“Okay,” she says, standing up and trying to calm him down a little. “Okay. If you think you can do it, you can go back out there.” 

He relaxes a little. 

“Thank you.” his voice breaks as he speaks, and she realizes how badly he needs this right now.

“Why don’t we revisit this at intermission, see how you’re feeling then? Just to check up on you.” she adds quickly. 

“Okay.” he agrees. She puts a hand on his arm. 

“I’m going to let EJ know to get ready, just in case you change your mind. We’ve got to be ready for anything, right?” She smiles gently, one he tries to return. 

“Right,” he says. A stagehand pokes his head into the room.

“Troy, we need you.”

“Be right there,” Miss Jenn says. She claps her hand over Ricky’s one more time. “Okay, Ricky, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to go out there and sing a ballad with Gabriella that will make the audience swoon,” he smiles, “and I am going to do my best to get this situation resolved as quickly and discreetly as possible. If anything else happens, or you need anything, come tell me right away.”

“Okay.” he says, this time, with a note of determination in his voice. Miss Jenn pats him on the back, sending him off. He runs through the halls, making it just in time. Once he’s in the wings, she pulls out her phone to text Mike, and fill him in on everything that’s going on. He enters on Gabriella’s cue, and Miss Jenn pauses, watching him deliver his lines. All the distress, all the pain melts away as he steps into character.

It’s giving him a break from everything, she thinks, it has been the whole time. Theatre isn’t just a luxury or a passion for some people, it’s a means of survival. It hits her all at once, that in staying here, in facing the challenges and struggles that came from directing this show, she’s helping Ricky through one of the hardest things he’ll ever go through. She’s become the person she needed when she was his age; with only one parent, feeling completely lost at sea. Her chest squeezes, and she watches them sing, their voices sending a chill through her. 

Backstage, in the few dark moments of the set change for Cellular Fusion, Nina somehow manages to corner you. 

“What did you do to him?” she demands, and you know she’s referring to Ricky, who exited to the other wing. You stare at her, aghast. You lean in close, lowering your voice, desperately holding on to your professionalism. 

“We have to go onstage, literally right now. I am not doing this with you right now.” 

“Huh,” she scoffs with a fake smile, “you’re one to talk.” You have approximately two seconds to look at her, baffled by everything she’s saying, before you have to go on. You enter, and hit your mark. At the cue, you and Seb begin to harmonize. Right as you do, your phone - tucked away in the wings - silently begins to buzz. Your phone lights up with a text from your mom, informing you that Gina’s flight has finally landed, and they’ll be at the theater any minute. 

You run off stage as Cellular Fusion wraps up, and Miss Jenn and Carlos are trying to figure out what to do about the Taylor dance break coming up. Kourtney has been doing great so far, but she doesn’t think she can handle choreography that complicated with so little time to rehearse.

“I could tell the pit to cut that section…” Carlos offers. You check your phone and your eyes light up, looking at the doorway. 

“Uh,” you start with a smile, “I don’t think that will be an issue…”

Miss Jenn, Carlos, and Kourtney look over at Gina, smiling timidly. 

“Oh, thank god,” Miss Jenn chokes out. She turns to Kourtney, then Gina. “You, go out there before you miss your cue. And you, quick change into something more 2006 before the dance break.”

They both agree, and a stagehand runs over with something for Gina to change into, guiding her to the dressing rooms. 

“Is he doing any better?” you ask Miss Jenn before you go on. You don’t have much time, but you need to know if he’s okay.

“A little,” she says, “I think.” You both know it’s better than nothing, and you’re just hoping whatever he’s doing keeps working. 

Stick to the Status Quo couldn’t be going any better. There’s so much happening, so much organized chaos, that he forgets about everything for a few wonderful minutes. There’s no time to think about that when he’s dancing on tables, begging his classmates not to sacrifice their individuality so they can fit in. It only gets better when you and Seb enter toward the end of the number. You look so genuinely pissed off that people are breaking free from the boxes they’ve been put in, and your voices sound perfect harmonizing together, reverberating through the auditorium.

He tries in vain to stop Zeke from giving you a cake, watching with bated breath as it smashes into your face. He turns away, just like he’s supposed to, but his eyes accidentally land on the one place in the audience he shouldn't be looking at.  His stomach plummets. Has she been on her phone this whole time? After running from everything this whole night, it finally gets the best of him. He can’t stand it any longer, running into the wings as you let out an ear shattering scream, loud enough to finally make her look up.

“Someone… is going… to pay for this!” you yell furiously, before the lights go down. The curtain draws to a close as applause thunders through the building. The lights in the house go up for intermission, and you hear a slow rise of chatter as people mill about and make conversation as you exit the stage. You grab a makeup wipe a stagehand has ready, thanking them as Natalie calls out that intermission is starting, and you have 20 minutes to places for act two.

“Thank you 20,” you call out distractedly, searching for Ricky. You run to the back, wiping the rest of the whipped cream off your face, and check the boys dressing room to see if he’s in there. He is, sitting in there by himself, seeming worse than before. One look at his face and you know something else happened.

“She was on her fucking phone the whole time!” he states in disbelief, “Like…” The words dry up as he holds a pillow in his lap in a death grip. 

“Oh my god…” you say, shaking your head. He’s not doing good, clearly. No one would be in his position. He pulls you in for a hug as soon as you’re close enough, one you reciprocate. He holds onto you tight, feeling just a little more stable as soon as you’re in his arms. Surrounded by your familiar grasp, it’s just a little easier to breathe, to think clearly. Unfortunately, it also means he has a much clearer grasp on everything that’s happened tonight and how it’s affecting him, how he feels about it. His dad is right behind you, and he lets go of you long enough to stand up and greet him. His dad pulls him into a hug, patting his back. 

“I’m so sorry, kid. I had no idea she was going to pull something like this.” Mike’s voice wavers, and when Ricky doesn’t answer, you know it’s because he’s choked up. Miss Jenn enters a moment later, walking over to Ricky and Mike. 

“The both of them have been removed from the premises.” She states. 

“Thank you,” Mike says earnestly. 

“Oh, it was nothing a little faked parking violation couldn't take care of,"  she says, earning a small smile from Mike. She turns to Ricky, continuing. “I filled you dad in on what’s been going on, too.” 

“Maybe we should just go home,” Mike offers, knowing he probably won’t want to. 

“No,” he protests, “I can do act two, I want to. Plus, if we leave now, she’ll know where we are and she’s going to ambush us again, and-” 

“The one place you’re guaranteed not to run into her is here at the theater.” you finish quietly. 

“Yeah,” Ricky agrees, motioning to you. Mike considers, weighing his options. Since she’s gone, if Ricky thinks he can handle it, he doesn’t see why he can’t do the second half of the show - especially since he seems to want to so badly. Maybe now isn’t the time to take that away from him, even if he means well.

“Okay,” he sighs. “But if anything happens, if you change your mind at all-”

“You’re the first to know.” Ricky agrees quickly. 

“I want you to stay plugged in with me, okay?” Mike says, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Text me when you’re not onstage, let me know how you’re doing.” Ricky agrees again. Miss Jenn looks between them. 

“Alright. Well, in that case, Ricky, you should get changed for act two.” She says with a tentative smile. He nods. 

“Thank you. Thank you guys.” he says sincerely to his dad and Miss Jenn. Before you leave, you catch his eye.

“I’m going to refill my water, then I’ll be back here, okay?” 

“Sounds good." He says, "Hurry back,” he adds quickly, giving you that sweet look with those big puppy dog eyes, and it makes your chest squeeze. 

“Absolutely.” you agree. 

You barely leave the dressing room before you're met with Nina. She barges forward and stands in front of you, arms crossed, and you realize she's waiting for you to move out of the way so she can get into the boys' dressing room. You don't budge. 

“I need to talk to Ricky. I heard what happened, and I'm the only one who can convince him to go on for the second act, and I don’t need you-” 

“Wow,” you begin, cutting her off, once again amazed at her audacity, “now is really not a good time. Don’t go in there and stir things up.”  

She looks you up and down, letting out an indignant scoff. 

“Don’t act like you know him like that. I’ve known him since we were in kindergarten, I know him better than anyone.” 

You take in a deep breath, trying so hard to stay patient. 

“Sure. You know him better than anyone.” you say, in a pacifying tone, “So you should know the last thing he needs is more pressure on him when he’s in the middle of a family crisis, right?” The question is rhetorical, and you continue, patience with her finally starting to run thin. “If you actually care about him, then for the sake of his well being you’ll leave him alone and let him get through this. Now is really not the time, Nina, read the goddamn room!” 

The sentence is finished with an aggravated, humorless laugh. Your priorities right now are Ricky, and getting through opening night. You need to help him process some of the shit that's been happening tonight, make sure he’s okay, so he can perform like he wants to. The last thing he needs is Nina barging in there and telling him he’s letting the cast down, or that he’s not serious about theatre, and that he should have quit after auditions - all of which you’ve heard more times than you can count over the duration of rehearsals, even up to a few days ago. 

You’ve tried so hard to be patient with her, but dear god, she’s really starting to get on your last nerve - nevermind the fact that you have a special type of hatred for the kind of people like Nina, who shit on people that are still learning about something they have more experience in; like telling someone they’re not serious about theatre because it’s their first show, for example.

“Do not fuck with him right now.” you state, rolling your eyes at her shocked expression.

You push past her, walking over to the water fountain. She watches you walk away, mouth hanging open, and lets out an indignant scoff. You swear to god, if one more thing goes wrong tonight, if one more person tries you, you’re going to absolutely lose it. You take a few deep breaths as you fill up your bottle, trying to calm down and center yourself a little. Once you’re done, you start to walk back to the dressing rooms, but you’re stopped by a woman who is definitely not cast or crew. She sees you and approaches, seeming a little pissy. 

“I’m looking for Ricky Bowen?” she states. As she speaks, your stomach drops. 

You recognize her voice from when you heard it on the phone, and from the voicemail Ricky showed you over Thanksgiving. This is Lynne Bowen. As in, the Lynne Bowen. The one that left.  The same woman who’s made such a tactless and selfish decisions over and over that have ultimately caused her son to be on the verge of a breakdown just down the hall from where you’re standing right now. 

“You are not supposed to be back here.” you state, desperately trying to figure out how to handle this. You pull out your phone and text Miss Jenn, ‘code red, really need backup’.

“Can you just tell me where Ricky Bowen is? I’m his mother.” she says it in a way immediately expects sympathy from you, sympathy she doesn’t receive. You stare at her blankly, and she continues, much less kind than she’d been pretending to be. “I need to see my son, okay? Maybe when you’re a mother someday you’ll understand-”

You’re not sure what about her, about the way she’s talking to you specifically is the last straw for you, but your patience is already running so thin it’s practically transparent. Against your better judgment, you cut her off. 

“He does not want to see you. He doesn’t want to speak to you - or be anywhere near you right now, for the record - and you need to fucking respect that, okay?” you say decisively, offense written all over her face, “And you are really not allowed to be backstage if you’re not cast or crew, which you’re clearly not-” 

“You are way out of line, young lady!” she yells, “I don’t care if he doesn’t want to talk. I’ll talk to him if I want to; I’m his mother.”  She adjusts her purse, clearly expecting you to fold, to tell her where he is. You know you should keep your mouth shut, you know you should be diplomatic and patient and professional like you always are, you should wait for Miss Jenn to handle this, but you’ve spent the past three months watching Ricky suffer because of this woman and her choices. You can’t stay quiet when the woman who hurt him is right in front of you. 

“I think you lost the right to pull that shit when you walked out the door and chose not to be in his life!” you snap, a dangerous smile on your face. The stunned look on her face is better than anything you’ve ever seen. It’s clear no one has ever tried to take her down a peg until now. 

“How dare-” 

“You gave him a free pass to hate you forever, because you’re not the parent who stayed! You didn’t try-” 

Your words lose momentum as you find yourself suddenly looking at the wall to your right, your cheek stinging. The sound of her slapping you across the face echos across the walls for a moment before fading away, and you freeze, tears prickling the corners of your eyes from shock.

“Listen here you little slut,” she says, much more ferocious than before. All facades of a concerned mother have melted away. “You have no right to talk to me like that-” 

“What the fuck?!” 

You snap out of it, and she turns around at Ricky’s voice at the end of the hall.

“Ricky, my baby,” she starts, walking toward him, but she’s thrown off at how distant he seems toward her. “I’m sorry you had to see that, this girl is so-” 

“Don’t ever talk about her like that again.” His voice is stone cold as he brushes past her, analyzing your expression closely to see if you’re alright. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, voice shaky.

“I’m fine,” you say as calmly as possible, “are you okay?” 

He’s decidedly not, but he tries to pull himself together. 

“If you are, that’s all that matters.” Behind him, growing impatient, Lynne takes a step forward.

“Ricky,” she demands. He takes a breath, and leans closer to you. 

“You should change for act two.” You look between them, wishing there was something else you could do, some way that you could make this better. You agree, stopping before you leave for your dressing room. 

“Text me if you need anything.” you say seriously, and he agrees, understanding the subtext of your words. Text you if he needs backup, or if it gets to be too much, because you’re there for him. Lynne moves toward him again. 

“Can we talk?” she says with a domineering tone to her voice, and you both know it’s not a question. You want to object, but all he wants is to get her away from you. He nods, indicating you should go, and you do - albeit, very reluctantly. He turns back to her. 

“Yeah,” he says seriously, “I think we need to.” 

She grabs his arm to lead him down another stretch of hallway, but he shakes her off immediately, walking a few feet in front of her. 

“Ricky, are you alright?” she demands, once they’re relatively out of earshot. She crosses her arms. “I was so worried about you when you ran offstage like that.” 

“I’m surprised you noticed.” he murmurs. She either ignores him or doesn’t hear. Regardless, she continues. 

“Why did you leave? Is it stage fright? Because a lot of people are counting on you, honey. You made a commitment to this-” 

“You’re one to talk about commitment,” he mutters, voice low, but loud enough to be heard. His impulse control is not at all where it should be, especially with how she just talked to you, what she called you.

“I’m sorry?” Lynne demands. She’s not used to Ricky yelling at her. She’s always had a lot of influence over him. He used to do everything she said, he’s always been such a mama’s boy until now. 

“I mean, do you ever think about anyone besides yourself?” he snaps, “Did you even care that you ruined the only thing I’ve been able to count on in my life- I can never get this night back, Lynne. And now…” he trails off, trying so hard to regulate his emotions, even though he knows he’s out of control. He takes a shaky breath, trying with everything he has inside him to reign it back in a little. 

“...Why would you bring him to the show?” 

Lynne looks stunned at his question. 

“Wh-” she starts, “This is about Todd?”

“Why would you bring him here?” He demands, repeating himself.

“I…” she struggles for an answer, “wanted him to meet you.” she infuses as much guilt into her words as she can. He should feel bad for the way he’s speaking to her. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to throw you off.” 

It doesn’t work this time, and he refuses to back down, to fawn for her. He doesn’t buy it for a second.

“So you waited until I was suspended, mid air over a basketball hoop, for me to see you all… cozied up together? You didn’t think - not for one second - that might be just a little upsetting to me?!” 

“Ricky-”

“And what about dad, huh? How do you think he feels watching you feel each other up right in front of him?” tears brim in the corners of his eyes as everything he’s been suppressing all night, all these weeks and months finally breaks the surface. She lets out an indignant scoff and tries to say something, but he ignores her and keeps going. It’s an avalanche now, and he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. 

“He didn’t leave the couch for a week after you left!” he roars, remembering how hard it was to see his dad like that, to have to be the one to drag him out of it. 

“...I didn’t know that-”

“How could you?!” he laughs bitterly, "You weren't there!" He screams. He doesn't think it's ever felt better to say something than it does now. "You weren't there the whole time I was rehearsing, you weren't the one running lines and going over blocking, and teaching me how to listen for cues and do stage makeup and quick change! You weren't there for any of the work that went into this, and you just waltz in here with the newest guy you're screwing to your fucking son's musical like you've been here the whole time, but you havent!" He's never yelled at her like this, but a part of him thinks after how much she hurt him - and his dad - it's long overdue. "You don't get to enjoy this show, and you don't get to be around me, or dad, or anything we do because you walked out!"

"You are way out of line-" she starts, voice cracking. 

"No, you know what’s way out of line?" He demands, all too ready to throw her words back in her face. "Breaking my heart, breaking dad’s heart, then acting like everything is fine when it’s not!"

"You think I wanted to leave you?!" She screams back at him. 

"Yeah," he answers quickly, "I do, because you did! And you know what? I'm glad you left." He spits, watching the pain grow in her eyes, his words like venom. 

"All you do is hurt us." 

She blinks like she was just slapped. He takes a step forward, shaking, angry tears silently spilling from his eyes. When he speaks, his voice is low and dead serious. 

"Don't call me anymore."

Before she can say anything, he starts to walk away. She calls out to him, desperate to get the last word in, to make him know how much pain his words have caused her. 

"You are really hurting me, Ricky." She says, voice shaking as she cries, "you're breaking your mother's heart."

The sound of his mother crying like that because of something he said should have wrecked him, but he pushes away any last remaining scraps of guilt his rage hasn't burned away yet. He turns back to her, no love in his eyes, and laughs bitterly.

"Yeah, I guess it runs in the family. You know, the one thing I got from you is the ability to ruin any relationship I have, so thanks for that, mom." He spits, turning to leave. She takes a step forward. 

"Don’t you walk away from me-"

"Like mother like son, huh?" He barks. With that, he's gone. He doesn't stick around for any more of her manipulation or guilt tactics. He just really, really needs to see you right now.

[feathers-little-nest]

This is becoming a series, so let's call it Piórko's fav moments

Piórko's fav moments presents: The Beauty's Blade

Ik that it's a very unpopular book but I loved it so idk maybe check out my reactions to the first few chapters to judge if you'd like it? Idk idk

Anyways I really loved this book, the intrigue was so well written, romance was heavily... touch driven? It was mostly expressed through actions, which was super cool. Two MCs are much deeper than the first few chapters show, you don't stop learning new things about them up untill the end :D

w każdym razie do brzegu

my fav moments under the cut (spoilers ofc)

TW: self harm, death

- chapter 1, OH SHE HAS A JADE THUMBRING DID YOU KNOW THAT IT ORIGINATED AS AN ARCHERS- *gets shot*,

- this book uses many smart words guys,

- Yu Shengyan from QQ and this Yu Shengyan have exactly the same name, like the same characters, it'll take some time to getting used to,

- Fu Wanqing is making tier list for the most unworthy of Yu Shengyan people lol,

- she's insanely possessive for someone who has never seen their crush,

- so she's like a fiery red rose, we need to remember that. there's no the beauty's blade's Wiki to save our ass during drawing fanarts,

- chapter 2, lol, Yu Shengyan is just so done,

- damn Fu Wanqing is a quick progresser. she really heard some stories about Yu Shengyan and went I WANT THIS ONE and here she is, on their first meeting, sitting on her lap. iconic,

- Fu Wanqing is a type of person who would bite a glass just to check out how it feels or jump over a bonfire until they fall into it. mood.

- “hersay” girl you DID throw a thousand gold away to win a woman,

- chapter 4, I think previous notes include chapter 3 as well, I'm just good at missing chapters in my notes,

- she uses silk to wipe off blood. fucking. silk. what a bourgeois,

- 👀👀👀

- chapter 5, pretty privilege at its finest huh,

- Zhong brothers' descriptions, important for fanart,

- chapter 6, those chapters are pretty short and I like it,

- A TRANS ICON??, also description of the Third Young Master,

- lol they're progressing quickly. also, is Yu Shengyan starting to show some teeth..?

- chapter 7, well that's some fun family dynamic huh,

- chapter 8, T^T THEY WENT ON A CUTE DATE

- OH MY GOD SHE MADE HER A FLUTE I'M CRYING THAT'S SO CUTE

- chapter 9, oh, interesting, so Yu Shengyan is godlike... now that is giving me ideas

- chapter 10, YU SHENGYAN SMILED!!

- shout-out to Chun Fengxiao for being a bi icon,

- but you couldn't charm Fu Wanqing, this girl fell HARD,

- I swear this translation is some kind of twisted vocabulary test. what the hell is trepidation.

- chapter 11, ok so the guy is wearing changshan. I'm trying to figure out in what clothing I should imagine them in,

- chapter 12, Hu Qing has a big ass scar across her face,

- I think I'll have to draw a map of connections between these people lol,

- PFFF SHE FOUND SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING UNDER HER LAPELS,

- chapter 13, ok the flute is now even cuter,

- I love Yang Wumin, she's just a girl with bpd who likes to beat people,

- chapter 14, uuu we have a beef with gays,

- Third Young Master slays yet again, they use a fan, they have to be my fav now. that's the law.

- chapter 16, ooh, I did not expect Fu Wanqing to be not fond of extravaganza,

- “Warm as jade, with clothes whiter than snow — the Junzi Sword, Shen Shengyi”,

- warm as Jade cold as Jade is there something that is not as Jade? /lh

- oo casanova,

- ok so he's also wearing jade pin-crown,

- chapter 17, I am so confused by the setting, they read Ming books, wear Qing clothing and wear jade pendants. I'm trying to mash it up together in my brain but it's harddd,

- chapter 18, Guo Ju just had an epic entrance, falling for the sky just to dirty Shen Shengyi's robe lol,

- I ship SSYxGJ,

- Guo Ju is so fucking fruity I can't,

- chapter 19, we have another new pal, Zhang Zongyi, an elderly monk in red robes,

- chapter 20, my fav chapter so far!!

- chapter 21, Guo Ju femboy confirmed,

- chapter 22, this awkward moment when you say a ton of nonsense and meet someone who actually replays to it lol; and suddenly you're the shy one,

- chapter 23, another name to remember, Yue Qingtian. So far I remember everyone, I'm getting better at names!

- chapter 24, Guo Ju is really my fav side character now, also I'm curious about that not acting like himself part,

- chapter 25, Yue Qingtan – blue clothes, “cloud-and-water sleeves”, looking like a lady from a rich family, but also a lone wonderer

- I don't think “shes better because she doesn't care about her eeviiiil disciples” is the argument you think it is man XDDD,

- Yang Wumin now wears a veil, noted. could've expected that,

- chapter 27, woah woah this suddenly got serious,

- GUO JU IS ALSO TRANS? T4T ROMANCE? IN MY BAIHE? OMG???

- “Wine… makes people drunk.” such an enlightened quote from Yu Shengyan,

- god Guo Ju is so cute, sitting all night next to the Third Young Master just to make sure that she's safe... even though the tavern is full of the Third Young Master's people... first sunrays falling on her chest is another thing I'd love to paint,

- ok so I think Guo Ju is more leaning into cis woman forced to be a man. still not sure about the Third Young Master tho, what kind of gender fuckery is happening here,

- chapter 29, I can't get over how much their flirting is physical. very often they don't say many loving things but kiss each other, hug, lay on each other, play together... it's all so cute and betrays their emotions in a way words never could,

- SHE FUCKING BIT HER LMFAOO I LOVE YOU FU WANQING

- chapter 30, woah woah Gu Yu got so roasted she turned into a tiny coal piece, that was a bit uncalled for,

- it's so funny to me that they all think that Yu Shengyan is a good person while she only cares for her moral code, not other people,

- LMFAO SHE JUST BULLSHITED WITH CONFIDENCE I LOVE YOU FU WANQING x2 but like true, why would you believe this asshole XDDDD

- chapter 32, well, Yang Wumin has some point about Fu Wanqing, she isn't exactly... an honorable person XD,

- I love this uncaring (chaos) x uncaring (peaceful) energy lol,

- chapter 33, can Yu Shengyan fucking stop destroying books please,

- chapter 35, it might sound dumb and I would usually hate this, but I love that in this book we just get new characters introduced all the time, even now, well over the half mark,

- Liu Zhishang has a rectangular face and bright eyes, noted,

- Guo Lingtian is mostly angry and has thick brows,

- Yang Yifei looks young, wears green and looks like a scholar,

- I can't, Liu Zhishang just heard his kid saying that he wants to marry Yue Qingtian and already treats her like his daughter, that's so damn cute,

- about Yue Qingtian: “She was akin to a plant without roots, having no sense of belonging wherever she went.”,

- chapter 36, ok, I like Wei Xian, the guy is just doing his best and is basically responsible for taking care of the whole Creed bcs ysy isn't interested in it and lkx is not the sharpest tool in the shed,

- chapter 38, so we get Yue Honghua of the Limitless Palace, she hates being called that tho, especially by her sister,

- also she called Third Young Master a Third Sister so is she Yue too? or is it just a title,

- I like that even when dumb things happen in this book, like poisoning of Yu Shengyan, there are exactly the type of dumb things these characters would do,

- chapter 39, and who the fuck is Fu Rong,

- Zhong Li Yu Xiu 钟灵毓秀, I like it,

- chapter 40, OHHH SHES ZHONG'S DAUGHTER LMFAO

- the moral of the story is clearly that the only competent people are women and you know what I can't disagree,

- new name!! the Ghost Doctor is Ye Xueqing, she's also blind btw,

- chapter 41, another new name! Jiang Huailuo, white-haired woman,

- ok I love Ye Xueqing and Jiang Huailuo's dynamic, amazing food for fanfics,

- that honestly read like the last chapter but there's still 9 to go lol,

- chapter 42, HEY WHERE'S MY SEX SCENE, I was in the mood today :( but more seriously, this book was teasing with all this touches and kisses to just skip a sex scene, I am a little bit disappointed,

- I wonder if Fu Hui is getting tired of being played by his daughter all the time lol,

- I love Guo Lintian so much omg he's so fucking sweet,

- chapter 43, ok so face of Yue Honghua is covered in a web of scars left by Yue Qingtian,

- ok I'm still not sure what is Yue Qingtian's part in all of this tho, am I missing something?

- chapter 44, and now we got some Zhang Zongyi, I think this is the last new person in the book tho,

- chapter 45, rip Yang Yifei,

- I love that Liu Wei is trying to get a divorce at a wedding, queen shit,

- chapter 46, bloodstains could also indicate that Fu Wanqing disappeared by herself because she is fucking mental,

- Yu Shengyan carrying Fu Wanqing in a bridal carry, while the latter is wearing torn bridal clothing... another cool thing to draw,

- chapter 47, I get that Fu Wanqing wanted to drive Yang Yifei mad but I'm so sad that she harmed so many people to achieve that, it matches her character but still :< I liked Liu Wei,

- god Yang Yifei also killed Madame Fu, what a shithead,

- ok but Yu Shengyan and Fu Wanqing being cute revenge wives, so adorable,

- chapter 48, ““You once showed me a lot of drawings at Goldmelt Grotto.” Yu Shengyan raised her brows, expression unchanged. “You want to try all of them out, Lady Fu?”” WHAT A QUOTE OMG

- chapter 50, AWWW?? SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DUEL ANYMORE BCS YU SHENGYAN DOESN'T LIKE IT. THIS WOMAN WHO NEVER GAVE UP ANYTHING FOR ANYONE WITHOUT A GRUDGE IS JUST. TRASHING ONE OF HER DEEPEST DREAMS. AWWW!!

- epilogue – how is it an epilogue and not chapter 51? the story isn't complete without this epilogue at all,

- god damn poor Shen Shengyi, this little white lamb, this revelation will so fuck him up lol,

- SHE WAS JUST LYING LMFAO WHY THESE PEOPLE JUST KEEP BELIEVING EVERYONE <- is not better,

- I hope that Guo Lintian didn't fuck up in the past :< I like him,

- Ok I really like this ending :3

- extra: IS GUO LINTIAN'S ONLY CONCLUSION FROM ALL THAT THAT HE WANTS TO RETIRE I really love this man omg,

- the Zhong brothers' arc is also quite wholesome

[renlyslittlerose]

Of Good Men and Monsters

Rating: E

Pairing: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker

Chapter: 9/32

Tags:  Alternate Universe - Modern Setting / Alternate Universe - Vampire / Human/Vampire Relationship / Vampire Anakin / Watcher Obi-Wan / Slayer Ahsoka / The Force as Magic / Force Bond / Magic / Demons / Blood Drinking /Violence / Mildly Dubious Consent / Minor Character Death / Angst / Hurt/Comfort / Mental Health Issues / Anakin Skywalker Has BPD / Grief/Mourning / Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms / Unhealthy Relationships / Secret Relationship / Anal Sex / Anal Fingering / Rimming / Oral Sex / Switch Obi-Wan Kenobi / Switch Anakin Skywalker

Summary:  Let me share in your life,” Anakin whispered. He pressed in close, their noses brushing. Obi-Wan closed his eyes and pushed himself back against the wall, but Anakin followed him. “Let me sleep with your heart beneath my hand, your pulse against my lips, your cock between my thighs. Let me live through you. Let me be a part of your humanity. – Anakin was a boy made of magics and gilded in prophecy, his story unendingly important to the universes in all their multitude; Obi-Wan was nothing of the sort, humble in origin and in manner. Fate saw it fit to bring them together, the two sworn to fight the forces of darkness in whichever way it appears.

But prophecies are tricky things. When Anakin is turned by a vampire who follows an ancient cult known only as The Sith, Obi-Wan is forced to navigate his feelings for the demonic entity that has lay claim to his gilded boy, all the while trying to prevent an apocalypse centuries in the making.

[ao3feed-peterstiles]

Активный Поиск

Read it on AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/53549467 by diei_elf Когда Стайлзу было 9, он подрался и разбил окно машины учителя, из-за чего ему поставили диагноз и хотели назначить таблетки. Но Ноа отказался от лечения, и Стайлз рос без знания, что с ним происходит и как это исправить. Вырастая, Стайлз вылетает из Академии ФБР и все больше начинает увлекаться алкоголем и таблетками. Стайлз перепоступает в простенький университет и находится в активном поиске себя, парня и денег, когда появляется Питер, предлагающий сразу все за помощь вернуть ему его утраченные воспоминания. Вместе Стайлз и Питер начинают активно искать потерянные воспоминания Питера и, неожиданно для себя, находят не только их. Words: 2827, Chapters: 1/?, Language: Русский Fandoms: Teen Wolf (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: M/M Characters: Peter Hale, Stiles Stilinski, Original Character(s) - Character, Sheriff Stilinski (Teen Wolf), Cora Hale Relationships: Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Original Male Character(s)/Stiles Mentioned, Peter Hale/Original Male Character(s) Mentioned Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Post-Season/Series 06, Drug Addict Stiles Stilinski, Peter Hale Isn't a Total Psycho, Peter doesn't remember some memories, Partial Memory Loss, Memory Palace, College Student Stiles Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski Has ADHD, Stiles Stilinski Has Self-Esteem Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, References to Drugs, Top Peter Hale, Bottom Stiles Stilinski, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Peter turns to Stiles for help, Angst and Feels, Stiles has Has BPD | Borderline Personality Disorder, Peter and Stiles have sessions on Peter's memories, Loneliness, Developing Relationship, Mild Sexual Content Read it on AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/53549467

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

What would you diagnose Subaru as ? Like disorder wise

that's a really good question which i explored in my very long DL x VNC x PH prison fanfic, blue is the new pink. i'm not saying read all of it, but if you want to see how i explored this in a modern AU, chapter 4 is the one in which he gets diagnosed with it.

whilst i'd say the main diagnosis is the same, i think the reasoning is a bit different in the canon universe. this is also a good opportunity for me to say something which i strongly disagree with in subaru and christa's wiki pages.

TL;DR - borderline personality disorder.

for anyone who doesn't know what borderline personality disorder (BPD), which can also be called emotionally-unstable personality disorder (EUPD), it's a personality disorder categorised by intense emotional instability, rapidly changing moods, impulsive and self-destructive behaviour, fear of abandonment, very low self-esteem, and chronic suicidal ideation. other symptoms can include dissociation, intense and unstable relationships, black-and-white thinking patterns ("splitting") and psychosis. there's 9 main criteria and you have to fit 5 out of 9 to get a diagnosis, as well as having certain characteristics affecting multiple areas of your life. i'm linking the NHS article about BPD here because there's a lot to this disorder.

i want to make a disclaimer here that this post does not exist for people to self-diagnose with. BPD is a complex disorder with lots of overlapping symptoms and should never be self-diagnosed for several reasons. i have been diagnosed with BPD since i was 18, i've been in therapy for it (DBT, and MBT) for 18 months now, and i've been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder for a few months now. so, i know what i'm talking about.

so the first thing i want to address is the fact that on subaru's wiki in his "history" section, it says "christa became mentally ill and bipolar" and before that it says "she started to struggle in between hating and loving [karlheinz] and became mentally ill"

the term "bipolar" here is wrong. like, it's just wrong. bipolar is a mood disorder characterised by long periods of depression or mania. frankly, we don't know enough about christa to know if she had bipolar disorder or not.

there's a really common misconception among people who don't know a lot about mental health disorders than rapidly changing whether you love or hate someone is what bipolar is. and it's not. it's just not, at all. bipolar episodes are long-lasting and generally don't have rapidly changing feelings towards loved ones.

this "struggling between hating and loving" someone, which she also experiences with subaru, is something we call "splitting" - it's not a formal medical term but it's common among the BPD community. essentially it's an extreme form of black-and-white thinking where somebody is either the best person you know, or the worst person on earth and there's no in between.

during episodes of splitting, people with BPD can be really mean. like, people with BPD are NOT inherently abusive but i'll be first to step up and take accountability and say i've almost driven my close friends out of my life because of how i treated them because of this. it's similar to how christa treats subaru when she sees him as a product of karlheinz - screaming at him, telling him he's dirty, telling him to kill himself or here etc.

so, christa doesn't have bipolar. i think christa had BPD. splitting is associated with some other disorders but in general the way christa was treated by karlheinz and how she acts around cordelia (competitive, confrontational), how dysregulated her emotions are... yeah, i would say christa had BPD. there's 4 subtypes (this link has some more info about the types of BPD) and i'd put her as the petulant subtype.

christa's wiki describes her episodes as "fits and psychotic episodes" - the term "fits" isn't really an appropriate word to use here but i'd say psychotic episodes works too. psychosis is one of the 9 BPD criteria so this makes sense here.

so, subaru? well, as well as having a genetic component, BPD is almost entirely a trauma disorder. parents with untreated BPD often raise children with BPD.

with subaru's mother constantly having psychotic episodes, telling him awful things about him as a very young child, being generally neglected and having no loving parental figure who can validate his feelings, it's not really surprising that i would say subaru developed BPD himself.

i could talk a lot about the reasons subaru has BPD but if you click the links attached in this post and read the symptoms, you'll see why. the fact that subaru has no clear idea of what it's like to love somebody properly, that makes it very difficult for him to form a meaningful connection with yui. that's why we see him having crises and really struggling to understand these feelings in HDB and MB, to the point where he has rage outbursts because he has no other way of channelling those feelings. extreme anger is another common symptom in BPD.

but sometimes, he's gentle with yui! people with BPD can be really loving and loyal, and REALLY clingy.

having somebody to accept you for who you are and understand that often the unfair things said during splitting aren't actually how you fell; well that can be really important for someone with BPD. the conflict he feels in DF around his mother and struggling to accept his feelings for yui is definitely a reflection of his childhood trauma too.

so, yeah, i would diagnose subaru with BPD and that's because his mother had it too.

what does that mean for subakou? haha, well, i'd also diagnose kou with BPD. and two people with severe, untreated, undiagnosed BPD is never a good mix.

they look so innocent, but goddamn they could ruin each other's lives