#boys i think there is an easier way to cope with being gay than developing a strange transformative rship with something not quite human

[panicbones]

david cronenberg's naked lunch 🤝 tetsuo's iron man

surreal movies with crazy practical effects wherein a man cannot cope with being gay so he instead embarks on an insane psychosexual hallucination that blurs reality.

[thingsthatmademe]

Michelle Tea and Sliding Doors

Michelle Tea, Author: Rent Girl (2004). The Passionate Mistakes and Intricate Corruption of One Girl in America (1998). Valencia (2000). How to Grow Up (2015)

Laurenn McCubbin, Artist: Rent Girl (2004), XXX Live Nude Girls

Rent Girl was the first thing I read by Michelle Tea, right when it was released, in 2004. In the next few years, I found The Passionate Mistakes and Intricate Corruption of One Girl in America and Valencia and devoured them.

The draw was multifaceted. We don't seem to talk about it a lot these days, but to be gay or queer in the 80s, 90s, and even 00s meant you had no choice but to live outside of some nominal consensus on what "society" was. Michelle's writing in these three books painted a picture of a particular sort of queer life on the edges of the bigger cities. A roadmap for a young person trying to sort out exactly who they were and what their options were. Looking for any hint that there might be a place in some sort of queer community for myself.

It was always the lesbian and dyke communities that I was attracted to -- what I read, saw, and experienced of gay men was always more than a little disquieting to my sense of self. It never felt like me, but then wait maybe that's just internalized homophobia? The Kinsey Six boys didn't help things any either.

And of course the cognitive dissonance of being attracted to women's spaces when everyone had told me my entire life I was a boy or a man was equally disquieting.

Flipping back through these books today one thing that stands out is how angry Michelle's young memoir-self is at straight people and men. A similar anger is on display in XXX Live Nude Girls, illustrated by Rent Girl's illustrator Laurenn McCubbin. Looking back at that now I realize how much the expression of that anger made it impossible for me to imagine a place for myself in any women-centered queer community. Or to imagine the possibility that I might, or was allowed to be, a woman.

Looking back -- as exhilarating and intoxicating as these books were -- they were also part of the quiet guilt that settled into my soul around the desire to see myself inside these communities. As I started to figure out what sort of queer person I was going to be I found it easier to fall into the paths of the crossdressers and transvestites that came before me. To move in increasingly queer-friendly but still predominantly cisgender circles. To be a mild ontological gender terrorist.

It brought me no greater pleasure than when I overheard someone say Alan annoys the shit out of me but Alana is fucking hot, or when a friend would say she missed Alana showing up at parties. "Ha ha", I'd think, "I have inhabited the fiction suit that is gender and shown you all how arbitrary and unreal it is! I have vanquished you gender, my work here is done!"

The thing I've learned about your own gender is you can hit it as hard as you can, but it will always come back. Twice as strong and ready to show you how it's something you can't ever really outrun.

I still struggle with the anger towards men in communities of queer and feminist women. It's not TERF culture, exactly, but it's adjacent to it. It's the hammer TERFs use against trans folks. And I struggle with it because I can't bring myself to suggest that cisgender women work to make peace with it and not let it dominate their lives. I still feel like I don't have that right. I don't know how to reconcile the coping mechanism that cis-women have developed for themselves when some of those coping mechanisms can be actively harmful to trans women -- both closeted and out. Actively harmful to myself.

You don't need to tell me that's internalized TERF bullshit because I know it's internalized TERF bullshit. But it's still there. There's nothing more early transition than knowing something in your head but struggling to find ways to reconcile that with your heart, or with your fears.

Epilogue One

I turned 40 in 2015 and it was time for some changes. I had carved out a weird life for myself and the edges of that life were starting to fray.

My days of being an ontological gender terrorist had petered out in my late 30s -- the venues for those sorts of shenanigans had dried up and I had reached the limits of what drag, kink, random hookups, and other duel role gender performance could bring me. Unfortunately, the self-medication of my dissociation via alcohol had not petered out and I was starting to notice the negative effects on my health that daily drinking brought. My floating on the edges of poly communities for human companionship without deeper commitments (I think the kids call this solo polyamory?) was starting to wear thin. The weird independent career I'd pieced together was falling apart as markets changed.

In the next year I'd get my drinking under control, romantically reunite with a partner I'm still with to this day, and give up my independent career for a steady job and paycheck. I also told myself my days of gender experimentation were over. That I'd done the things I wanted to.

Sometime in that year I also read Michelle's latest collection of essays, How to Grow Up. There's a passage that's stuck with me.

I'd changed since my twenties. And though some of these changes had been life-altering, enormous enough for me to be very aware of them, many of them were small, subtle, and cumulative. In some ways I still live like a twentysomething, and I sort of prided myself on my youthfulness. But in most ways, I didn't. My ideologies had changed -- no small deal for a person who was once 100 percent ideology-fueled. My hobbies, the things I did for enjoyment had changed. What I did and didn't do to my body had changed. My income had changed, and perhaps as a result, so had my style, my taste. What I thought was acceptable or unacceptable behavior had changed. My friends had changes (my lovers, not so much). How I expressed myself had changed. I was not the person I was when I was twenty-five, and living with a bunch of twenty-something was sometimes-fascinating proof of this.

If the chaotic women portrayed in those early memoir novels could grow up a little and start to find some peace for herself and move forward maybe I could too.

Epilogue 2

In the end my gender came for me, chipped away, and finally worked me over with baseball bats until I saw the light at the center of myself. As I've been filling in the gaps of my own history, I came across Michelle's 2003 account of her stay at Camp Trans, published in the Believer Magazine. Transmissions from Camp Trans.

It's odd I can't recall ever reading this. All my googling of Michelle Tea, of being the sort of literary pretentious person who buys The Believer from time to time, etc. Or maybe I did see it, but the guards at my closet doors turned it away before I had a chance to read or remember it.

As I read through it now in 2023 I wonder what would have happened if this was the first bit of Michelle's writing that I encountered in the world. Someone a little bit older, humbled at her own misunderstanding/discomfort with trans people, reconciling the cruelty of the Mitchfest transfem exclusion policy with her own love of the things she'd seen at that festival. If I'd first read the name Julia Serano twenty years before I actually did. If I'd learned and believed that some women have a penis and some men don't, or read accounts of the cruelly some women from Mitchfest showed the women at Camp Trans.

I try not to fall into the sliding doors trap, but how different would my path have been if I had heard some of the loud clear voices saying it was OK to be trans?

[sublime-beyond-loss]

‘I have you on repeat, grasping for tender moments I hold onto like delicate keepsakes 

They are so few and far between And I'm grateful for the memorability of each moment 

Moments wrapped in romance that end with bitter sunrises and goodbyes 

Moments so fragile and rare that I wonder If they would have the same taste if not such a delicacy 

But I'd still devour you as I lay here and recall years of wavering emotions 

Suppressed desires and volcanic explosions that retreat into dormancy I wonder could we ever flow together 

Or are we two twin souls finding each other in the wrong lifetime’

-------

Soooo this got me thinking. This reversed lyrics is often seen as yet another instance of the narrator being the gayest thing in the parable, but considering that this whole sequence in the hole is a dream/daydream Stanley’s having while the narrator isn’t present, maybe this is the closest thing we get to seeing what Stanley’s internal thoughts are outside of the player’s control and the narrator’s own unreliable narration.

Dude’s just as gay for the narrator as the narrator is for him lmao.

It also shows that Stanley has one hell of a vivid imagination. It’s a pretty common theory that the narrator is the one holding Stanley hostage within the parable and keeping him looping forever, but maybe its the other way around. If we take the apartment ending at face value, maybe the parable really is a vivid escapist fantasy that Stanley came up with to cope with his boring life, one that grew out of hand and functionally became real at some point, or maybe the experiments that were being run on the workers in the office caused it to become real at some point.

Interestingly, the figurine ending is the only ending now after a patch that cannot be replayed or looped. We know that the narrator is ready to move on, and yet the parable continues to loop regardless. Stanley is too invested in in it and the narrator to give it up. And despite what the real person ending implies, we get multiple instances of Stanley asserting his own agency outside of the player’s control in Ultra Deluxe with him refusing to destroy the bucket and the bucket version of the escape pod ending being something he does entirely of his own volition without the player’s input. He is not quite the empty shell he seem to be at first glance. And if the bucket escape pod ending is a reflection of what would happen if the narrator could be brought to the ending, maybe its not that the narrator would let Stanley go, but Stanley would let him go.

Boy would that explain the narrator’s existential dread too. Despite all of the power and narrative control he’s been given over the parable and Stanley himself, deep down he knows he’s just a fiction that Stanley came up with and that the moment Stanley stops paying attention to him, it’s over for him. That is why he is so loud, angry, and sarcastic whenever Stanley strays from the path pre-UD. He must force Stanley to keep paying attention to him even as he strays further and further from the narrator’s intended purpose of telling his escapist fantasy story of freedom. By the time the UD content hits though, he has seemingly mellowed out considerably, having perhaps realized that he doesn’t need to be forceful to keep Stanley’s attention. Maybe he figured out that Stanley is already invested in him and his reactions and that it’s much easier to keep him entertained than he once believed. Considering the lack of choices in the UD content, maybe its a sign that Stanley has gone through some character development too and is no longer interested in pushing the narrator’s buttons and is, more or less, along for the ride with whatever new ideas the narrator comes up with.  

Maybe within the impossible logic of the parable they inhabit, they essentially created each other. The narrator in his loneliness and inability to make choices, created Stanley, and Stanley, looking for an escape from the boredom and lack of choice in his life, made the narrator.

Gay. 

[deadlyanddelicate]

“look what you made me do” 2/? | masterpost

aka: me making taylor swift songs about dean winchester and/or deancas bc it’s what dean himself would want

second song on deck, as promised; this one actually has quite a few cas beats in it, especially at the start, despite it having a dean vibe overall, so it should be interesting. again, bonus fanvid link at the end <3

this is me trying

i've been having a hard time adjusting i had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

ok, we start off strong with a couplet that could suit either dean or cas. “the shiniest wheels” is actually a perfectly fitting metaphor for a show that treats cars like emotional avatars of the people who drive them (i could so easily go into a digression about how the same thing happens in trc but this is the wrong post for that... how do i keep finding myself emotionally invested in car-fetishizing media while barely being a can-drive gay myself). ANYWAY, the first thing that comes to mind is the impala and how it’s pretty much synonymous with dean’s sense of self, how it gets wrecked and rebuilt over the course of the show, often tied in to his emotional state. and dean, well. he’s built up a lot of trauma over the years, but he’s also just getting older, as humans do.

on the other hand, we could also see it as a cas line - he’s not as much of a carfucker car aficionado as dean but he’s an adoptive winchester so hey, it still kinda works (rip to the pimpmobile, gone but not forgotten). what i MEAN is -- cas has been slowly falling from grace ever since season 4. he was becoming more human in season 5 already, with a grim prediction of his human future in 5x04; then lived as human for a while in season 7; then became completely human in season 9 before regaining his grace. but in season 15, again, his grace was apparently failing (boy it would be SUCH a shame if that plot point just, like... got dropped... 😐). substitute “wings” for “wheels” and you get a picture of someone who used to be this unstoppable, super-powered angel soldier that demons cowered in fear of, but has slowly become more human over time. as for “a hard time adjusting”... well, cas’ journey towards humanity has not been the easiest transition: it’s come with self-doubt, mental and physical pain, and of course, as he learned about love: heartbreak.

TL;DR: LIFE COMES AT YOU FAST AND THESE GUYS ARE TIRED.

i didn't know if you'd care if i came back; i have a lot of regrets about that

‘kay, this next part is definitely cas. cas who, as i mentioned in the previous post, just keeps leaving, whether that’s because he’s sacrificing himself or taking off on his own. and because that typically goes over like a lead balloon with dean, either because it leaves him grieving and traumatised or it plays right into his abandonment issues (or both - hello purgatory arc!), cas would be tentative about coming back. it’s also very apparent that castiel feels like the winchesters only value him for his abilities and powers (and after all, he’s been created to be a soldier), so if he feels like he’s not being helpful enough, he also tends not to feel wanted (again: dean wants him to stay, but cas wants to be asked to stay). plus, we know every time they’ve had a falling out it takes dean a bit to get over his anger (“dean, i thought i was doing the right thing”; “yeah, you always do”) so i don’t think cas takes his forgiveness for granted, especially if he has lied to him in the process (yes i’m thinking about the mixtape episode). “a lot of regrets”, indeed.

pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down; and maybe i don't quite know what to say, but i'm here in your doorway.

here, again, the car can easily work as a metaphor for someone’s emotional state. pulling over to take a breather, to try to assess things from a distance; and with lookout points so often being perched on steep hills, it’s easy to imagine the sense of vertigo, your own fear and self-doubt almost pushing you towards dangerous, self-destructive ideas. and we know cas doesn’t do things by halves - when he’s committed to something he believes is right, he goes all out. and yes, that has led to more than one falling out. 

but despite that - despite his worst fears telling him he should not come back to dean unless he’s “coming back with a win”, or able to protect him from harm (yes i’m thinking about the mixtape episode AGAIN), he does always come back to him. it’s the one thing that dean can always depend on, castiel finding his way back to him like dean is his true north. i’m here in your doorway; the please take me back once more is implied.

i just wanted you to know that this is me trying i just wanted you to know that this is me trying

(and dean does take him back, because however many times castiel feels that he has failed in his mission, he always comes back and tries again, tries harder, tries to make it right or do it better. and that’s something dean relates to - fucking up in the worst ways and getting beaten down but always getting back up, always starting over, always trying again. in fact, he’s kind of the one who taught cas that. and with that-- we move over to the dean portion of this.)

they told me all of my cages were mental so I got wasted like all my potential

ah, it wouldn’t be a dean pov without some good old fashioned self deprecation. “all of my cages were mental” isn’t 100% accurate in dean’s case because he has been dealt a pretty shit hand by life, but he also excels at self-sabotage. “I got wasted” is of course an allusion to his alcoholism, but then we have the clever play on words with “wasted potential”, which... hits close to home. all dean’s ever done is tried to live up to what he thought he should be, always feeling like he was falling short. never quite the favourite son, never the man his father thought he should be, not strong enough to resist hell, not the righteous sword of michael the angels expected, not good enough for the people he loves not to leave him, just not enough.

and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad i have a lot of regrets about that

...as i said above: though dean does always forgive the people he loves, it still takes him quite a bit to get over his anger at them. and when he’s angry, he lashes out, often saying things that come off cruel, things he absolutely does not mean. and this part reminds me, yet again, of dean’s painful confession in 15x09, about how he gets so angry and doesn’t know why (of course, the answer is trauma and childhood abuse; but he has no way to process that); and he tries to stop it but he can’t, and he always, always regrets it in the end.

i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere fell behind all my classmates and i ended up here

oh, dean. dean winchester with his ged and his give ‘em hell attitude. he breaks my heart. i touched on this in my previous post, but there’s something to be said for the fact that dean had to grow up so fast, he really didn’t grow at all in some ways ( “so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere”). from a young age he was shoved in a parental role, having to be both a father and mother to sam, which meant never getting to exist just for himself. which of course, in turn, means he never got to develop a healthy degree of emotional maturity. in “bad boys”, we find out that the only time dean even got close to being a normal teenager, receiving positive reinforcement by sonny and bonding with his peers, john ripped him right out of that safe haven; and by the time “after school special” is set in, he’s given up on ever getting a shot at a healthy environment, using denial as a coping mechanism by trying to pass off his and sam’s shitty, depressing lives as super edgy and cool.

pourin' out my heart to a stranger but i didn't pour the whiskey i just wanted you to know that this is me trying i just wanted you to know that this is me trying at least i'm trying

i don’t really need to explain this bit i guess, but it’s about the implications of how it can somehow be easier to open up to a complete stranger rather than someone you care about; and how for dean, who is used to frequenting seedy bars and dives, one-night stands are as much about comfort than they are about pleasure. that’s the only way he knows how to let himself be touched, seen, held -- because of course, “no chick flick moments”, and besides, we know that when he falls in love he falls hard, so it’s safer to just roll in and out of town. 

the interesting part in this context though, is that “but i didn’t pour the whiskey”, especially since we know dean, like every other winchester, tends to drown out his problems with alcohol; so him choosing to not do that, and instead just look for comfort from a stranger (whether it’s through sex or just chatting away at a bar) is, in itself, a sign of trying to do better. because if there’s one thing dean knows how to do, is trying, and trying, and trying again. in fact, as i mentioned above, it’s kinda where cas learned it too. and we know dean is a stand-in for human nature, so of course, this is also a larger discourse of how humans are flawed and imperfect but can always improve, always do better, always try harder or be more. and maybe that’s what makes a righteous man, really.

and it's hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound it's hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you you're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

this next part... listen. i don’t know how it fits into the narrative of trying, but what i do know is i can’t stop thinking about grieving dean. about how every time he loses cas, a little piece of him dies too, but it’s a piece that gets bigger and bigger every time, carving a hollow inside him. it’s unsightly, it’s unforgiving, it’s raw - it’s like an open wound. and as much as dean has always taken on the role of the person who puts on a brave face, makes a joke, and pushes all his feelings down, well -- it’s hard to that; it’s hard to focus on anything else when he’s missing cas like a phantom limb. “all i want is you” which is to say i’d rather have you, cursed or not; which is to say, i need you. need you badly enough to see your face everywhere after escaping purgatory, just like “a flashback in a film reel”. 

and i just wanted you to know that this is me trying  (maybe i don't quite know what to say) i just wanted you to know that this is me trying; at least i'm trying.

so, yes. dean is trying. he’s always trying, even though healing and progress are not linear or easy. and he knows he’s got anger issues, he knows he’s bad with his words, but damn it, he always shows up for the people he loves, and he tries to do better, every. damn. time. partly because he’s us, he’s all of us, he’s human perfectibility incarnate; and partly because he loves cas so damn much and maybe if he gets it right this time he’ll get to keep him -- and i don’t know which of the two options makes my heart hurt the most.

---

fanvid rec link here! it’s only for the second half of the song, so the more dean-centric one :)

[socialbunny]

Me getting this ask:

(p.s. i’m sorry people on mobile hehe  also anon i hope you see this it’s been three days)

Honestly, I 100% agree with you about Dirk and Lilith being almost a peak healthy relationship; I feel as if Dirk is the kind of person Lilith needs in her life (not that that is really up for debate anywhere lol), so much so that I find it hard to break them up in a regular game play (or think of a reason they would break up, like in the story I was/am (?) writing, either... I’m soft). 

(I’ve never really thought that Maxis meant that the twins should swap out boyfriends in the Pleasant’s bio, but rather actually asking if they’re making the right choices about their love lives in general. If who they’re with is who they genuinely want etc. etc. but maybe it’s because I think Lilith/Dustin would butt heads a lot and Dirk/Angela sounds so boring...)

I think that Dirk is too nice to break up with Lilith even if he wanted to --- he doesn’t like confrontation, their relationship is comfortable, and he wants to be the person you go to when you have a problem or need someone, the kind of person you can rest yourself in and feel safe (even when he has his own shit going on, what a great guy!). Lilith needs a home, and Dirk’s trying to give it to her without having his own rebuilt yet.

He has a lot of built-up resentment in his heart; mostly from his dad, to the circumstances of his life and having to be the ‘’responsible’’ one, it all stemming from his mom dying and never really learning how to cope with it in a proper way. He ‘presents’ better than Darren, meaning doesn’t show his depression, so nothings wrong with him and he’s fine and he can help everyone and do everything. He’s strong and brave and smart and so much better than his weird, embarrassing dad. He develops a savior complex and a slight superiority complex, feeling as if he’s the only one who can help Darren, and, by virtue, Lilith as well.

Even if Dirk and Lilith stayed together all through high school (they have big ‘High School couple that get married’ vibes anyways), they want different things in life. Dirk wants to go to college, get a good job and start a family, while Lilith’s trying to take the reigns on her life and enjoy herself, which might put a rift between them.

Of course I also feel like Dirk doesn’t really have any ‘goals’ in life: his ‘go-to-college-and-have-a-boring-job’ is based on his circumstance. He feels like he has to do these things, for himself and his dad and to keep things in order. (There was something else I was gonna say here but I forgot whoopsie)

I find it easier to break up Angela and Dustin, mostly because I think that they’re both just comphetting hard and dating each other because they’re already best friends so what’s there to lose? Not that they don’t like each other, but they definitely don’t have any romantic feelings. Doing affectionate things like cuddling or holding hands is weird between them, and having their first kiss is out of the question. They both want to do it, they guess, suppose, think - but neither makes the first move.

Angela and Dirk are almost in the same position as one another in regards to relationships; Dustin is needy and clingy, but not openly. He wants people to tell him what to do, but he only wants to do what he wants to hear. He has everything he wants to have under control under control. With work and making money being his top priority, school and a social life are beyond him. In that sense, I feel like Dustin is jealous of how Angela ‘has it good’, but still complains about her sister and the “expectations” set on her by her parents.

Meanwhile Angela is living this rebellious ‘second life’ with Dustin: dating a bad boy, sneaking out, smoking cigarrates. It gives Angela this ‘boxed-in’ freedom she always craved and seen in Lilith and wanted for herself. But it doesn’t feel the same way she thinks Lilith’s “freedom” feels; plus it’s not long before she has to go back to her life and do what’s expected of her to do.

Of course, Angela tries to help Dustin around his house as much as she can, but her help is always pushed to the side out of embarrassment. Soon Angela gets tired of Dustin’s reckless, rude behavior and starts to distance herself from him. (I was trying to say something here but I have No Idea how to say it so this sounds weird sorry).

Highkey forgot what the original ask was about alskdjlsjdlsjdlsjdshskd. Thinking of an almost Maxis in-game reason why they’d start talking is hard because I feel like Dustin wouldn’t like Dirk. He’d think Dirk thought he was “too good for this shit” and “perfect” and “better than everyone else”, and not fuck with him much at all. Dirk wouldn’t think much of Dustin either — from his reputation or from Lilith talking shit about him. But when they’re waiting for the twins to come downstairs they probably chat it up a little. Sometimes when Angela is busy, Dirk might help Dustin study (but they do anything but because Dustin doesn’t care). 

They start hanging out more and find out that the other isn’t as bad as they originally thought, and they sort of start absorbing the others lives (Dustin gets better at effectively studying his way, and  but I don’t think they’d form feelings for each other pre-high school grad while Dustin’s trying to get his shit together and figure himself out, but when Dirk comes from back to visit his dad from college or whatever Dustin’s like, “Damn I really am gay huh 😳?” when he sees him, and whatever happens happens you know.

I don’t have a really deep reason for ‘shipping’ them though, I just think they’d be cute together. I feel like they fundamentally balance each other out and have a deep understanding of the shit they went through. Deviating into my story a bit, Dirk is the perfect person to listen to Dustin and take in account his feelings, while Dustin helps Dirk out of his ‘mold’ a bit and do fucking crimes and you know what? Sometimes that’s all you need to do.

Of course, if anyone has any different opinions on this you should tell me or send me an ask too :’3. I love talking about Dustin and Dirk and this made me smile. ♥

[petekaos]

Merlin and arthur for your character ask game!!

I sent an ask about merlin and Arthur for the ask game, I hope that's okay!! I don't know if you only wanted characters from bl shows lol but I had to send them, I l o v e them

hiii nonnie!! oh this is perfectly alright, i adore merlin and arthur like no other! bbc merlin was the first show that ever truly... stuck with me. so here goes! (uhhh, pretty pivotal spoilers for bbc merlin in case it wasn’t obvious!)

merlin:

favorite thing about them: 

i just love how GOOD merlin is! he’s one of my absolute favourite characters of all time and the way how he tries to help everyone and anyone he can and uses his magic in order to make people’s lives easier is just... wonderful. he literally gets into escapades every episode because he wants to help one person or another and it’s just so so good and funny, i love him.

least favorite thing about them: 

honestly you could not count the amount of times i’ve shaken my fist at the screen and told merlin to stop listening to kilgarrah lmaooo, i feel merlin trusts... too blindly. especially when it comes to destiny and all that lark, i wish he would think for himself and realise that destiny is something you mold. i feel that would have made s4 and s5 WAY more interesting and also... better! considering the entire mordred subplot as well.

favorite line: 

god... this series is five seasons long and merlin has the most wonderful quotes. but off the top of my head? i have to pick something from the finale, as i will do for arthur as well. “and i use it for you, arthur. only for you.” like... that continues to tug on my heartstrings, honestly. the way he feels the need to justify himself having magic, and the way that merlin went from this young, innocent, stars-in-his-eyes boy to a wrecked mess in the end, living not for himself, but solely for arthur and the good of camelot. this line showcases that beautifully and how merlin needs to heal first before loving arthur. he has the greatest power in the world... and he uses it all for this one man. bro.

brotp: 

merlin and gwen!!! merlin and morgana!!! merlin and the knights!!! i love the idea of all of them being a tight-knit and close family, merlin just... meshes well with so many people and i adore all of his friendships, esp with lancelot and gwaine from the knights :’)

otp: 

merlin x arthur. yeah, man. the tragedy of it all... the heartwrenching ache of it all... they truly served in a way that no other white non-canonical mlm couple could. absolutely wonderful.

notp: 

not really... fond of any merlin ship apart from merlin x arthur but merlin x morgana is Bad, he’s gay and she’s a lesbian and they’re magic best friends!

random headcanon: 

this is similar to my one for met, but merlin should use his magic and play WAY more pranks on arthur. i’m talking throwing stuff at him when he’s got his back turned but acting all innocent when he turns back. i’m talking stealing more of his food and shrugging his shoulders. i’m talking sparring with arthur in front of all the knights and cheating so he can win. arthur is fuming but he can never say anything because the knights all love merlin more than him and would never believe any sort of accusation against him.

unpopular opinion: 

he should have helped morgana. end of. merlin helps everyone he sees, and the fact that he would just brush morgana off like that is a) shitty writing for more drama and b) a complete mischaracterisation. they deserved to be friends who tried to bring magic back to camelot together in their own ways, and considering that they’re literally opposites when it comes to personality... it would have been SO interesting.

song i associate with them: 

vanilla twilight by owl city. i have thought of this as a merlin (and merlin x arthur) song for quite a while now and wrote a whole fic based off of it! but yeah, especially the line “i’ll watch the night turn light blue / but it’s not the same without you” fucking GETS me. i always wondered how merlin coped with his grief, considering that arthur became such a pivotal part of his life, and how he realised he needed to live for himself and heal before he came back. some of that is explored in the fic! i wrote it like... almost four years ago, holy shit, so it’s not that good but have at it if you wish!

favorite picture of them: 

have this picture of merlin i actually have saved on my laptop!! he looks so good in the coronation outfit and the light is hitting his eyes just right. glorious boy!

//

arthur: 

favorite thing about them: 

i adore how arthur always wants to do the right thing, even if it means going against his father in the later seasons. he also just loves the people of his kingdom so much, even saying he’d lay down his life for the people in camelot... which you need to do as king, obviously, but something about his sincerity... and that’s another thing. he’s so sincere in everything he does! i love him :’)

least favorite thing about them: 

emotionally constipated arrogant BRAT fhsnfhsn lmaooo i love him, and he gets better with the arrogance and the emotional constipation (not so much on the brat front :/) in the later seasons. i just... adore his character development so much!

favorite line: 

okay. i have two off the top of my head although he has some RAW fucking lines as well. “for the love of camelot!” always gets me btw but that’s not a part of this. 

so number one, “i couldn’t bear to lose you.” this ties in with the thing about character development i was talking about earlier, because s1 arthur would have never said this to merlin, even if they had a great relationship. and also... that line is just so fucking raw, especially hearing arthur refer to merlin as his friend when arthur doesn’t refer to anyone else as a friend. just... the fact that he’s saying that he literally could not take it if merlin went missing or died, he couldn’t bear the weight of that on his shoulders as he bears everything else on his shoulders... it makes my heart clench every time. and how open and honest that is, how he lays everything out on the table--merlin is a vital part of his life, so much so that he couldn’t picture his life without him.

and secondly: “just hold me.” it doesn’t matter how many times i watch that finale, that line always gets me. how all arthur wants to do in his last moments is be held by merlin, and as said by the showrunners themselves i believe... he died peacefully in the arms of someone who loved him. the way that he gives up and he doesn’t say anything else, not things he needs to do after he dies or messages to give others... but only three words. “just hold me.” all he wants is to be held, and it gets me every time.

brotp: 

aaaaaa arthur and morgana!!! the best siblings, they deserved so much better and so many more banter-y scenes together :( 

otp: 

merlin x arthur, no doubt baby!

notp: 

hmmm, i don’t think i particularly have a famed arthur ship that i dislike... arthur x gwen is good!! just not my cup of tea i think, i like merlin x arthur and morgana x gwen more. do people ship morgana x arthur? if so, no. they’re literally siblings.

random headcanon: 

arthur is FASCINATED by magic. in a better world, after merlin had told him about his magic, he would have endlessly pestered merlin about this and that and being so impressed with every small feat of magic merlin did. merlin conjures up a light dragon and arthur is all “:D merlin do that again!!!” i love arthur being a little kid and getting to have the childhood he never had, makes me feel warm :’)

unpopular opinion: 

i know it wasn’t his fault but i cannot BELIEVE he gave up right then and there during the finale. they were so close :(( i cannot accept that ending man i’m just sad

song i associate with them: 

king and lionheart by of monsters and men. i think the merlin fandom is pretty much unified on the opinion of this being a merlin x arthur song and it’s just... such a good arthur song as well! man... especially the line of “as the world comes to an end, i’ll be there to hold your hand” like... if that isn’t arthur talking to merlin... nonnie you’ve made me emotional over how much i love them again :(

favorite picture of them: 

no doubt in my mind that this is my absolute favourite picture of arthur. the tender expression in his eyes as he looks at merlin over at the fire... i don’t have words for it. bradley truly outdid himself here man!

send me a character!

[creamypalazzo]

as to cater to my lack of sleep I ended up becoming very hyper aware of a song that got stuck in my head, and it’s called god is fair, sexy, nasty by Mac Miller, and it’s a song in my jotakak playlist that elicits incredibly h0rny + romantic energy that I wanna believe is also up to par with jotaro and kakyoin’s relationship in my o p i n i o n because I am in love with them and they are in love and babies and in spite of the very hypersexual lyrics here I also wanna be inclusive to the romantic expressions here and there that also perfectly match up to mu headcanons of their relationship lmao,, also do note that I like bottom jotaro and this is also mostly in Kakyoin’s perspective so it’s also what made the song contribute so well and I Am Like This Because God Made It So and it’s ok.

actually what I wanna talk about before the lyrics is the segment of jazz that plays before it delves into mac’s usual r&b/hip hop instrumental, it’s supposed to set the mood smoothly and because of that, all I think about is the thought of jotaro and his love for jazz that is also never really regarded by a lot of fans. It’s an unusual trait considering the Everything that jotaro is but I love to see it as a way that Kakyoin doesn’t Ignore that part of him and knows how he fully is- Jotaro isn’t completely cold and edgy and bitter, he still has a brighter side to him, and his love for him is what makes him so seen.

funny enough, there wasn’t much background to the song aside from the chorus itself from kendrick lamar, though that does save me enough time and I’ve only done the better reading to understand the first chorus, which is this:

apparently for a time, Kendrick suffered immense survivor’s guilt and trauma that happened when he was younger, amidst all his success he still suffered a lot of issues that his partner had continually supported him through the rougher times- all the violence he suffered from has cultivated all into the “bullet” where his partner is represented as a rose, and their love has been the reason he’d been able to get through his issues. It’s also continued to the rest of the chorus, being together and folding into each other’s desires is also a parallel to Kakyoin and Jotaro’s relationship, where the hardest come down they’d know each other so well, so intimately, to be able to find each other in ways that they’d only ever know.

tbh probably one of my favorite things about Jotaro’s relationships is that they’d always always always emphasize his beauty- he isn’t all his beauty, but the fact his personality is practically worn on his face is what makes it. To me, Jotaro is forced to be fully aware of his features from the attention he’s gotten, but with his intimidating demeanor it also gets pointed out too because, 1) fear is an aphrodisiac, 2) it makes him so much more powerful that way, to be beautiful and feared is probably a feeling that he doesn’t get to understand would be so good, honestly, but to think that Kakyoin would take the sight of him in, would make him feel like he’s been looking at a god. Ironically, a god that would definitely make him commit sins and defilings of desires he didn’t even think he’d have on Jotaro, but here they are. Kakyoin would be mesmerized, especially with being an artist, he could paint him, paint on him, his body and his face is a work of art that subjects him into a place of some kind of worship because it definitely deserves it, but Kakyoin’s got desires that even makes the devil shiver.

This is probably one of the verses that struck me the most, and I say one of because there’s actually more to it. There isn’t any background as to, say, if this song was about anybody in particular, the only song in the album that was actually mentioned to be about someone entirely was Cinderella (and that shit got wild real fast lmao). But to know that this was probably about someone who was cold, who definitely had issues too? God. Jotaro is cold, when it comes to his feelings he honestly will probably not keep up with them. It makes him turn away from people who he should have been vulnerable around, who he’s allowed to be weak around, but he wants to hide it and shows it constantly, sex or not he’s probably always into the rougher things as to compensate. I like to think Kakyoin is there to test it- aside from the actual connotation, relationships always test people to how they become better than they used to be, it’s not just a test for each other but it is a test for themselves, in the name of love and the loves of their life, it’s a matter of asking, what do you want to do? Is it for them, or yourself? And in this case, ‘take my time, hit that slow’ shows off the contrast to what Jotaro normally ventures off to. Jotaro would have to adjust for that and also be made to understand what Kakyoin would feel, think, in the pace that he, for once, would want them in. Jotaro can finally learn, in and out of sex how he should consider the most out of Kakyoin- I know events of SDC would say that he does consider a lot because of Holly, but he doesn’t exactly have easier times reading his friends or family and most of the time does stay in a self-indulgent bubble where he doesn’t really know how to treat people’s feelings other than the ways he knows how. Kakyoin is a test to it, and Jotaro follows because he has the need to understand it, to know him.

You’re the only thing for me in this fucked up world is also a really painful statement, to me at least. It hits hard with the fact that Mac and Ariana later broke up because of their relationship turning toxic, I know he didn’t make this song for her but to know this statement was written out of his heart is what makes the genuity. Kakyoin, as we know has mostly been alone his whole life. He never really got to be vulnerable around other kids and his only friend was his stand that way, only being able to cope with his excess time with the fact that Hierophant could help him play video games better and that was probably just how he spent it. Alone, definitely unused to company that felt like he knew him. Enter Jotaro, new to stands, just as socially inept, same liking to sumo, gorgeous as hell and checking every box that Tenmei Kakyoin didn’t even know he had. He saved him from a lifetime of pain and suffering, saw a part of him that also made him understand that they weren’t alone. They’re the only two kids in a world of war and other dangerous things, the fact that they both don’t know how to interact with each other like normal people do is both hilarious and endearing, but it’s made better by the fact that it makes them understand and like each other. It’s almost like a matter of fate that way, because honestly, how long would have Kakyoin gone if he hadn’t met the Crusaders? He fell into Dio’s hands so quick because Dio could understand him, see right through him with his desperations and loneliness, but later fell for Jotaro because it’s all genuine, and a person that Kakyoin has learned to love because they didn’t know how to get to each other until they had to learn how.

And do you believe in love? Is another part of them. I never thought that Jotaro nor Kakyoin would honestly think of it, they had other shit to think about and it was definitely not girls, Kakyoin probably had a thing for h3ntai (I had a running joke somewhere that he was ripped because he kept jerking off lmao) but I doubt he ever indulged in the romantic areas, he never cared about it in particular until Jotaro came around to make him realize, oh, this was a crush. I always headcanoned that Jotaro was gay: he wasn’t exactly growing up in the best time to think about it, nor did he really like girls, his next best big brain moment was to probably ignore the feeling and just believed that girls were a whole no. Well, yes, the annoying stalkers mostly were at fault, but it made him not like the appeal of them, where he didn’t understand how boys would look at girls and drool over their thighs, where girls would fight about whose chests were smaller, because girls were just so boring and annoying to look at. It’s boys on the other hand that always had his attention. Many of the guys in his school probably would have been excited/terrified that the cool, smart Jotaro Kujo would approach them, and probably take him in as his friend or probably pick a fight, but in reality, he just didn’t know how to approach someone attractive, let alone someone of the same gender when his relationship with his father continually strained. So then he thought over it, a lot. Holding hands with a boy, kissing a boy. Hooking his arm around one, holding onto him no matter what. For a time he thought he just couldn’t be in love, it was just that he didn’t like the idea of it being with a girl, that was all.

Hold on tight when demons come / It’ll be alright, no need to run / Stay with me tonight, we’ll see the sun / And when we wake up we’ll still be drunk Ah yes, this verse analysis is going to be very long as I Analyse this until I pass out from sleep deprivation. These two lines are a combination of what I’ve said in both the previous paragraph and fourth one, reiterating my statements again, but I think this is the dawning of their trust with each other when they finally get to like each other. They both need someone they can trust and understand, but it’s Jotaro who has to be the one to not run away from it while Kakyoin is the one who holds on tightly because he’s never had this at all before. Someone like him has definitely developed attachment issues that way, and he’s not letting Jotaro get away from something that he knows they both need. Hence the cuddliness in the last three: Never felt this free before / I need you more than keys and doors / I need you sleepin’ next to me

You know by this point in their journey you wonder how deprived of touch everybody is, but especially with Kakyoin and Jotaro being together now this seems to end up as a way to deal with touch starvation with each other. I doubt both would be used to any of the contact, but it’s Kakyoin who’s trying to be more enthusiastic with it while Jotaro is also trying to adjust himself even though he doesn’t quite have any idea of what to do. But they try, try a lot, and Kakyoin finds that he enjoys holding Jotaro and Jotaro’s learned to love feeling and being held, being loved by this boy, no less. It makes them miss each other more every time they stay apart, the fact that Kakyoin got his ass handed to him back in the desert is also what makes it difficult, every time Jotaro visits him in the hospital Kakyoin would probably take his hand and hold it close to his face before kissing it, always so impatient and probably a bit horny and inappropriate than he needs to be and most of all lonely— and jotaro in turn would direct him to his lips where they’d always kiss softly, slowly turning desperate, both just progressively careless in the predicament with Kakyoin only being able to navigate Jotaro’s neck and jaw with kisses, Jotaro trying so much as to not lift the hospital gown and instead holding his scalp while he presses kisses all over his face, and sure it’s only been probably a week or so but they missed each other so god damn much, Kakyoin missing cupping Jotaro’s cheek and taking in the absolute sight of how beautiful he always is, but while he’s recovering he’s just glad he could still be able to touch him.

(You shy,) you don’t reveal too much / (No lies,) don’t hide your self at all / (Where’s your—) I just can’t help but fall / (It’s true,) and I’ve tried everything / My sexy, nasty thing / is actually the set of lines that hits the most here tbh. They carry the same sentiments that I’ve said in my fourth paragraph and supposedly should have been my previous one if it weren’t for the fact that that shit got deleted and all but I guess my WiFi just wouldn’t work yknow,,, anyway by this point I don’t believe that this is because of any clothing related reveal situation whatsoever, I like associating this with the idea that Jotaro’s so used to shutting his feelings out that it’s so difficult to express them, but anytime he sees Kakyoin he’s just so . unused to feeling free and allowed to be able to see him in this light while Kakyoin is made to be so aware of it. It makes Jotaro feel naked, even if they have their clothes on, he may not be that expressive but Kakyoin’s found himself starting to recognize the building looks that Jotaro’s giving him, hooded eyes or widened ones where he looks so curious and stunned. If Jotaro would be made too aware of it his pride makes him swallow and look away, but a lot of the time Kakyoin, even so overwhelmed and flustered, would encourage him not to be ashamed of it, to be vulnerable to him because he loves the feeling that the way he looks at him is actually being returned. They love each other, even if they were young they knew it was love. It was so perfectly destined that God had to be the one to cut it short. 

There’s a line from a JotaKak doujinshi in particular that somehow manages to hurt me to read every time called Let’s Meet at The Usual place; it’s a doujinshi presenting memories of Kakyoin and Jotaro’s relationship where they realize they like each other (yes there is a lot of sex but yeah), and the very last line is Kakyoin’s final message when looking back to them:

I don’t like being lonely, so please talk to me from time to time. There’s a story that I don’t know, so let’s meet at the usual place. 

Now, I bring this up, while also crying, because at a point, Kakyoin’s childhood problems have definitely affected him badly growing up. It’s considered that he has a lot of obvious signs of clinical depression, which is a topic that can be discussed here, but I wonder how frequent he could go into these episodes? Did he ever take meds? I know I’ve had a fair share to this kinda shit but god damn, it’s mentioned in the link above that it probably ranges in a severity, and it makes sense! How many episodes has he gone through it alone? How long did he have to believe that he was alone, considering he decided outright he could never be friends with someone who can’t see his stand? It’s emphasized a lot that if it weren’t for the stands, Jotaro and Kakyoin wouldn’t have been friends at all. I just think: With the presence of the Crusaders, he definitely developed a peace of mind. 

Why do I say this? It’s mostly taking into consideration with the way Mac handles his feelings: he gets really emotional when he’s high- in this case, even if Kakyoin hadn’t been using his meds, how emotional can he get in episodes or developing episodes in particular? How far do these go, and how much does it trouble Jotaro that he doesn’t even know what to do? I wanna believe that for the most part, he’d feel better, definitely a lot better, even in his episodes he could look at Jotaro and realize that he’s waited far too long for somebody who could understand him, who could see him, taking him to a place where he feels warmer, happier, and he would hold Jotaro close to him and realize he has more than just thanking him for literally saving his life. Jotaro would be everything to him. 

Honestly, I don’t think Jotaro has carried similar feelings of loneliness, but he had a feeling of want to this. He knows his desires, he knows what he likes, who he loves, most importantly, but he realized that without Kakyoin’s presence it’s suddenly so boring and sad without him. In a way he feels scared, even though he knows Kakyoin is strong enough to handle himself, his worry manifests in a way that he knows that it’s how his mother could worry but it just can’t be helped.  

Will you come home with me? Hits HARDEST, especially, I know a lot of this is sexual undertones but as I’ve repeatedly stated, god damn does the change in context make it hurt, like there’s definitely been a lot of talk and a lot of promises that were made for when they come back home, Jotaro would have wanted to bring him home to Holly where she’d be safe and sound, and he knew for a fact that seeing her again, with the idea that she’d be overjoyed with them being together has given him something so pleasant. 

But Jotaro could never have that. He never got to say goodbye, or save him in time. For the longest time, Jotaro has realized that there was nobody that was going to make him this happy. 

And, really. Nobody could do it like Kakyoin, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be happy again. 

[thewincestgospel]

Do you have an established relationship wincest recs? Where they are in love and together :) thank you!

Of course!

I live for the boys getting their HEA and just growing old with each other.

Established Fics aka Curtain Fics

Anniversary by sonofabiscuit77   The Smith-Wessons go away for a ghost-hunting mini-break to celebrate their anniversary. Just a slice of life, domestic Smith/Wesson thing where they salt and burn the ghost, have brunch and Dean gets tied to the bed.      

Backseat of My Brother’s 67 Chevy by  NaughtyPastryChef  Extended scene from “Baby”. Dean’s feeling proud of Sam’s hookup until he hears that Sam tried to give that waitress his number. Uncharacteristically, he lets Sam force him to talk about it.

Better Homes and Gardens  by  chick (orphan_account)   After getting whammied on a hunt, Dean wakes up a househusband in Lawrence married to his little brother. Trapped in this world where down is up and up is completely fucked, Dean desperately tries to figure out a way to get back to a world that makes sense without completely losing his mind in the process. Featuring: spice gardens, bridge clubs, and the power of incestuous, gay love.

Cat’s Cradle by  saltandbyrne   My version of curtain fic, with human furniture, the Outback Steakhouse, and brutal, loving BDSM.            

The Chicago Verse by  compo67 After angels and demons and things that go bump in the night, Sam and Dean want a place of their own. Finding a place is easier said than done; and settling somewhere isn’t taken lightly. They take a chance on the city Death spared because he liked the pizza. The boys settle in a Mexican neighborhood just south of the Loop called Pilsen. Sam looks back at how they got here.

Crush by  sonofabiscuit77   Five years after the apocalypse didn’t happen and Sam and Dean have settled down, or as much as the Winchesters can ever settle down. Sam is a college professor and Dean a well-respected small business owner and they’re learning how to balance work, hunting and dog-ownership while coping with the metaphorical and literal scars of war. Life’s not perfect, not for a (sort of) out and proud couple in small town USA with a lot to hide, but they’re dealing, that is, until Dean employs one sexually-confused teenager who develops an unhealthy obsession with both of them. Switching between five years earlier and now, we learn how the boys came together, how they made it through the big fight and whether they’ll ever manage to find that flighty temptress, happily ever after.

Give Him What He Needs  by  brokenlittleboy   Sam wakes Dean up for some good old-fashioned morning loving and Dean is more than happy to comply. They’ve been going at it for almost eleven years now, and it seems like every day Sam gets dirtier and dirter, and more and more desperate for it. Dean’s not complaining–he’s just a little worried someday he won’t be enough for little brother’s needs.              

How Does Your Garden Grow by majesticduxk From the prompt: Sam getting his hands all dirty, Sam getting bad knees as he ages, Sam being excited about his bean crop, Sam bringing vast quantities of zucchini to the Bunker kitchen and expecting Dean to figure out something to cook with it, Sam being wrathful and indignant about caterpillars, Sam out there all day with the sun hot on his neck and the soil cool in his hands thinking about nothing at all but the tactility and the way he’s having this small, steady good effect on the world and coming back HAPPY.

 A Life Most Ordinary  by  sonofabiscuit77   Sam and Dean Winchester are two ordinary brothers living ordinary small-town lives. Okay, so having a mother who was brutally murdered by one of America’s most notorious serial killers and a father who was forever mentally scarred by the event is not that ordinary, but the rest of their problems: marriage breakdowns and relationship failures, job disappointments and sexuality crisis, and Dean’s two kids, 9 year-old Jonah with his disturbing passion for the music of Lady Gaga and 6-year old Simon with his severe hearing loss, well they’re all completely ordinary. The only thing extraordinary about Sam and Dean is how they fell in love.Written for 2010 spn_j2_bigbang challenge    

Just Another Day  by  selecasharp   When rain keeps them in a motel for another night, Sam settles in for a quiet day of movies, popcorn, and cuddling (and maybe more) on a couch with Dean — until he realizes what day it is.      

Just Say My Name by  leonidaslion   Dean turns into a complete and utter nympho. It takes Sam a while to notice the difference.              

The King and The Lionheart by waywardelle     After the disastrous but effective removal of the Mark, Sam and Dean Winchester suddenly face a life without allies or a reason to keep hunting, so they leave their old life behind them in flames. They re-emerge from the ashes as Sam and Dean Wesson, residents of Misty Luna, Maine– a town with a personality all its own. As they settle into civilian life, they gain careers, a home, good friendships and the kind of fulfillment they never thought possible. But with nothing left to fight, the underbelly of their particular kind of love is thrown into sharp relief, especially considering the whole town thinks they’re married, anyway. After dancing around their feelings for the past twenty years, Sam and Dean find a peace they never knew existed, and through it all, they find each other again. And maybe, just maybe, forever. Curtain!fic. Canon divergence after 10x21, “Dark Dynasty.”            

Like a Fish Out of Water by nyxocity AU after Plucky Pennywhistle’s Magical Menagerie. During the final battle with the Leviathans, God finally makes an appearance and deigns to intervene. After granting Sam and Dean a few final requests, he ‘packs his bags’ and takes everything supernatural in existence with him. Left with nothing to hunt, Sam talks a reluctant Dean into settling down in a small town outside of Sioux Falls. Sam seems to want them live a normal kind of life, but between the ridiculous estate sale Sam bought to furnish the house, the arrival of a very human Castiel who’s overwhelmed by human emotions, and their quirky, invasive neighbors, it’s anything but. Dean’s having a difficult time adjusting, convinced everything couldn’t be more abnormal until Sam reveals exactly what kind of life he wants to have with Dean. Dean can’t deny the part of him that wants it–but can he accept it? 

Love is Never Blind  by Calysta18 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness!!

Milk Me  by LittleSparrow69   Fill for this kinkmeme prompt:  A knocked-up Dean’s lactating and he hates it but it hurts. Sam “milking” him is less humiliating (barely) than leaking all over his shirts. Sam, though, lives for this.              

On A Friday We Call Good by  gaialux   One unlucky moment. That’s all it took to turn Dean’s life upside down. Sam seems to be on board with the fallout; insisting they take a break from hunting and set up in suburbia. While Sam finds himself assimilating, Dean is far from Mr. Domestic. If he can’t hunt - if he can’t save people - he has nothing. Or so he thinks.                      

Over the Hills, Far Away by roxymissrose   Somewhere in the middle of season seven, this world careens towards the left.Dean looks at Sam and decides enough is enough. They need to settle down for a while, take a breath.                      

The Psychology of Genetic Sexual Attraction by  sonofabiscuit77   “…50% of of reunions between siblings, or parents and offspring, separated at birth result in obsessive emotions…”This story begins in 2001 in a garage in Palo Alto when 18-year old Stanford student, Sam Sharma plucks up the courage to ask car mechanic, Dean Cooper, out for a cup of coffee.   Their attraction is instantaneous and overwhelming, and the relationship that develops seems perfect.  Except nothing is really perfect, and this particular love story started a long time before Sam and Dean even met.  Wincest non-hunting AU. This is my attempt at a boys-don’t-know-they’re-brothers story.  

The Theory of Relativity by wutendeskind   The Apocalypse is over. Sam writes it all down, and the result tops the New York Times bestseller list for an entire year. Dean loves that Sam’s found something to do with his life, but doesn’t know how he fits in. And when Dean reads Sam’s second novel, things get even more confusing for him.     

Trust Me, I’m A Doctor by  checkthemarginsThe one where Dean is a pediatric neurosurgeon and Sam is a law student and they figure out they’re in love.            

Walkin’ the Tightrope by  non_tiembo_mala  It’s 2036, and twenty years since Sam and Dean called it quits on hunting to take up a secluded, quiet life. Maybe Jesse and Cesar gave them the idea, but after Amara, they realized they’d done enough. And they wanted a proper life together even more.Known as Sam Wesson and Dean Smith to the residents of the nearby town they call home, Sam and Dean keep mostly to themselves, their immaculately kept ‘67 Chevy Impala, and their cabin in the woods. That is, until someone from their past tracks them down, desperate for help.Sam and Dean can’t say no, not when it’s their dear friend Jody Mills in deep trouble – she’s missing – but the wedding bands they wear make going back to their old life just that little bit more complicated…              

Wanna make your motor run  by  cordelia_gray   Four times Dean got road head, and one time he gave it.      

I could literally go on and on with this list so I might make a part two of this list.

[exposeacreep-blog]

Milo Moran is a child molester, manipulator and general scumbag

I met Milo when I was in year 7 (11 years old) at school. At the time, he was in year 11 (around 15). My English mistress had given us a creative writing task: to write the backstory of Edgar Allen Poe's poem "The Raven". Milo was in her form in year eleven, and he, along with his friends, were pretty friendly with her, so she would sometimes chat with them about her other classes during morning and afternoon registration. Apparently, my name came up in one of these chats, because one day in what must have been around October 2014, when my English class were leaving the classroom after a sixth period lesson and her year eleven form were coming in for afternoon register, my teacher pointed me out to him and said "that's the girl who wrote that Raven story you liked". He smiled at me, and told me how much he'd liked it.

Now, me being a fucking dumb, pubescent, hormonal little girl I was for some reason extremely receptive and innocently excited by older male attention at the time, no matter how much of an absolute minger they were, meaning that the fact that somebody as senior as Milo had so much as offered me a second glance I was a bit smitten with him.

After school had finished, I went to get the bus home only to find that apparently Milo was on the same bus route home. I didn't say anything to him that day, I was too busy being the epitome of preteen angst so I just plugged myself into my Panic! At The Disco and stared blankly out of the window, but then a couple of weeks later I ran into him with my mum while at Waitrose. We said hi to each other, and when she asked I told my mum who he was. She said that he seemed nice, and that it was good that I was friendly with people outside my own year.

We had very little interaction for the next couple of months until after the Christmas break, when two new kids, twins, joined my year group. I quickly became joined at the hip to one of them, we rarely spoke to anyone else and then wondered why we didn't really have any other friends. So when we saw a poster for the English magazine club at lunchtime, we figured it was a great opportunity to socialise. We went, and lo and behold who's the editor of the magazine? Milo, overseen by another English mistress. That was absolutely fine by me, he was an older boy who gave me special attention because, at least I assumed at the time, he liked my writing.

Not long after that, we began to talk and videocall fairly infrequently on Google Hangouts, where he mentioned a physical similarity in our respective appearances, and said it might be funny if we pretended to be siblings to confuse people. I fail to see now how this is in any way entertaining, but I suppose at the time my ape brain said "ooga booga male attention must maintain", so I went along with it.

Then there's a bit of a gap in my memory between the end of year 7 and the beginning of year 8, but somewhere in that gap my friend Vincent (who was the same friend I'd joined magazine club with) convinced me to take up the guitar so I could go to the lunchtime guitar group with him. I joined the group, and guess who the bassist is? Milo McNonce. I'll get back to that a little later.

So while he was still at school, he worked at a pub in the town where I live called The Fleece, and to get from there to his bus stop he had to walk past my house. By pure chance one day I spotted him out of my bedroom window and called out to him, and we began talking with him down on the pavement looking up at me through my open window. This same thing went on for ages until one day my parents got fed up of what they dubbed the "Romeo and Juliet" routine and invited him in.

Around this time I inexplicably developed massive crushes on two of Milo's friends, Chris and George. I told Milo, and he basically agreed to stalk them for me, even going so far as to write little stories wherein I had rough, kinky sex with his 17 year old for me to get my little 12 year old rocks off to. I, being a total and utter fucking moron, didn't find that weird in the slightest. Until fairly recently, I still had some of these stories screenshotted on my phone gallery but rather stupidly deleted them last year out of shame and fear that somebody would find them.

Then about halfway through year 8, when I was helping him with packing up after guitar group, he started hugging me out of nowhere and kissed me on the forehead. Ape brain struck again and said "Oh worm? Guess this is happening now, that's calm."

Nothing else of particular note happened in year 8 on that front, although it all continued as a regular thing.

So then began year 9, and the *real* shitstorm reared its head.

Remember how I said that eventually my parents had invited him in? That was the point that he began to *really* cosy up to my mum, like really sucking up to her. He didn't manage to have quite the same effect on my dad because he was usually at work, but since my mum is a goldsmith she works from home. It was also around that time when he rather conveniently decided that he was gay, at least that's what he told my mum, which meant that for the next roughly six months she felt unthreatened by the fact that her 12 year old daughter was having private conversations in her bedroom with a 17 year old boy with the door closed (bearing in mind I live in the UK, where the age of consent is 16).

Then, in March, it was my school's annual Pump Room Concert. At the rehearsal on the day of the concert we were in the big room upstairs where all the instruments are kept in-between the rehearsal and the concert itself, when he hugged me tightly and began to stare into my eyes. We were interrupted by a teacher coming in to put his own instrument there, but Milo later told me a couple of nights later that had the teacher *not* come in when he did he'd have kissed me. Ape brain liked this very much.

That was something of a turning point I think, because after that I can only remember our conversations in my room ending with him on top of me, tongue down my throat and hand down my knickers. At that point I had just turned 13, and he was no younger than 18.

He started to tell me about his mental health issues, he'd been orphaned at a young age but old enough to remember his parents dying, which had understandably messed him up a bit. The last I heard of this he was being treated for bipolar disorder.

That was when my friends at the time began to smell a rather large rat, and told me about the stench of said rat, which I stubbornly ignored. This ended in me having a massive row with my friendship group, which promptly divided down the middle into two factions: one relentlessly took the piss and tried to rile me up about the whole thing (I'm not friends with them anymore), and the other kept telling me that they thought he was dangerous and that I should stay away from him (I'm still friends with them). I ended up ignoring both, which caused me to become more distant from them and spend more time with Milo, spurred on by the fact that he'd told me that I was helping him cope with his depression.

This routine kept up until the end of year 9, when he fucked up all his A Levels and managed to get a place at Cardiff University by pure good luck. I spent the next two to three months convinced that *I* was the reason he'd done so badly, and thinking that the time he spent molesting me (what I interpreted at the time as me "distracting" him) he could have spent studying.

After he moved to Wales our communication gradually petered out, and I eventually realised that I was not his taboo seductress or whatever the fuck I thought our relationship dynamic was, but that I had in fact been sexually manipulated and exploited and tried to cut ties with him.

He still came over during the holidays, but far less frequently and I never let him touch me again.

I got a proper boyfriend, and thought things were looking up, when a month before my GCSEs started, he messaged me out of the blue asking if I wanted to see him again while I had the chance because he was going to kill himself. I spent the entire day sobbing on the phone to him and trying to talk him down because as much as I resented him and wanted him gone from my life, I couldn't have responsibility for his death on my conscience during my exams. I still haven't quite figured out if he was serious about it or whether he just wanted to illicit some kind of emotional response from me, but that was pretty much the final straw.

To be honest? If I could go back and redo that whole day with the knowledge of what he's done since then (namely having been in the national papers for narrowly avoided jail time over revenge-porning his ex girlfriend), I'm not entirely sure I'd have expended that much time and energy into trying to stop him. I know it sounds horrible, but at this point, when I feel dirty and ashamed in my own bed and I can't even watch Catch 22 on Channel 4 and say "Damn, Milo's cute" without getting a jarring intrusive thought of that paedophilic creep sucking on my neck and palming my fanny, I don't think I really care.

So that's where we are. If you meet him, stay the fuck away from him, for all his slime he's a charismatic bugger and knows how to get into your head until you're trapped in a web of manipulation that you just can't escape.

I've since opened up to a very close friend, still not my parents though, who said that she could see what I was going through and feeling as it was happening, and the only reason that she didn't report it was that I begged her and made her swear not to. Despite this, she went to our school nurse to ask for anonymous advice and that's mostly what's helped me get to grips with how to handle this now, and for that I cannot be more grateful. Her support has made it easier to tell the truth to a couple of other people, and to contact this account. Will it get to the point where I feel I can tell my parents or the police? I'm not sure, but I hope so.

[ofcyoosung]

lee taemin + genderfluid + he/him & they/them + cryokinesis.┊ ❛ ━ hey, is it just me or do you hear elastic heart by sia playing in the distance ? oh, that’s just yoosung ryu, a twenty-five year old makeup artist. according to my sources, i heard he can be true neutral and is passionate, but also judgmental. that’s probably why they remind everyone of freshly washed sheets, the smell of bleach & a box of bad memories so much ! anyway, whether or not they’re against the supers, crystalline city is keeping a close eye on them !

good day, crystallines, it is I, Laura, with her third character.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ here’s the breakdown;

the chaotic gay trio is complete. ( here’s his pinterest board btw )

alright, so i’ll have to rework his backstory a little and i haven’t written this angsty b*tch in months so bear with me as i get all of that sorted out over the course of the next few days!! also i haven’t quite worked his ability into his backstory yet so i’ll figure out the details for that later. anywho, have my ‘bitter and petty’ child. that’s Lis’ completely accurate description of him. let me just copy/paste some stuff that i already have fghjk

tw: suicide, (emotional) abuse, homophobia, death, ptsd, violence

Regrets collect like old friends, Here to relive your darkest moments. I can see no way, I can see no way And all of the ghouls come out to play.

Yoosung was born and raised in the city of Ulsan in South Korea. His parents were strict and hard-working individuals, who taught their child the value of precision and perfectionism. It was a tough environment in which Yoosung often felt like he was being brainwashed into some emotionless being, but he always believed he was destined to be more than the man his parents wanted him to be.

He was still young when he discovered his interest in makeup – he looked up to artists with androgynous aesthetics such as David Bowie and Boy George. To Yoosung, there was something empowering in being able to wear makeup, to not have to conform to the standards of either being male or female. He’d sneak into his parents’ room and borrow some of his mother’s makeup to try on, bought more feminine looking clothes that he only dared to wear when he wasn’t home or around his family.

At the age of sixteen, he gathered up enough courage to tell his parents that he was gay. His mother was inconsolable and his father was enraged. Yoosung spent a week at a friend’s house, fearful of his parents. When he returned, the topic was never brought up again, though his parents pushed harder for him to find a girlfriend. This didn’t result in much except Yoosung having to sneak around, kissing boys behind the school or at parties. Because his parents refused to acknowledge his sexuality, it was a lot easier to hide things – if they ever knew about the things he was doing, they never said anything about it.

When he graduated, Yoosung wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with his life. He was stuck at a crossroads and though his parents encouraged him to continue studying at some fancy university, Yoosung took a break of a few years to try and decide what he wanted to do. Instead, he took up some jobs he never really enjoyed. He got tired of the boring jobs rather quickly, however, so when he was twenty, he decided he wanted to turn his passion into more than just a hobby.

He let his parents know he was going to go to cosmetology school.

Not just that; he’d spent most of his free time on the internet, trying to figure out his identity. So after building up a ton of courage, he also informed his parents he no longer wanted to be addressed as a boy, as he felt he was non-binary. The reaction was… bad.

His father actually hit him.

He’d never been hit before, had never experienced such a cruel reaction to anything he’d done in his life. It hurt, mostly emotionally. But he was hopeful – he’d spent so much time contemplating, looking at pros and cons, doubting himself and then encouraging himself. He was sure that if he could deal with his parents’ passive aggressive reaction towards his sexuality, this wouldn’t be much worse. After all, he was planning to move out once he turned twenty-one, perhaps sooner if he could get the money together.

He couldn’t have been more wrong.

For a while, it seemed like it was fine. A few months went by and Yoosung could feel himself growing more confident. He loved going to school, finally allowed himself to express himself more the way he wanted to. His style became more androgynous, he tried out different hair colors, got his ears pierced and made some good friends in his class. He even developed a crush on a cute guy he met through a friend, though he never got a chance to actually try and hit on him.

However, his father had started drinking more and more, mostly unbeknownst to Yoosung who didn’t spend much time at home anymore. But when he did spend time at home, it was usually spent getting yelled at and blamed for every single thing that was going wrong in his father’s life -- his financial problems, his frustrations at work.

It was three months after he’d told his parents what he wanted to do with his life, who he wanted to be. His father came home drunk and started yelling insults at him, calling him all the slurs he could think of. Yoosung endured it, though he couldn’t help but snap back before he locked himself up in his room, afraid that there would be a repeat of the last time his father had been angry with him. The next morning, he got woken up by his mother’s screams. Alarmed, he made his way over to the living room, though now he wished he never had. He wished he would have stayed in his room, wouldn’t have had to find his father’s dead body.

Suicide.

One look at his mother told him all he needed to know; she blamed him. Within the matter of a few weeks, he was disgraced and disowned, banned from attending his father’s funeral and exiled by his entire family. An online friend offered him a place to stay in America (wanted connection??) and without much of an option, Yoosung practically fled his home country.

His way of coping was to build up walls around him, become the kind of person everyone stayed away from. And if they didn’t, he made sure to push them away. He refused to let anyone become important to him, refused to care about anything, because he knew it would only end up hurting him. He kept quiet about his past, his trauma, his guilt. And though he was plagued by nightmares on a daily basis, it only encouraged him to become more closed off, more frigid, more isolated. His mask of confidence carried him through life, allowed him to forget how damaged he was on the inside.

Yoosung Ryu would never give anyone the power to break him, ever again.

And I am done with my graceless heart, So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart. ‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn, It’s always darkest before the dawn.

[cowboylikedean]

Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda is the most offensive book I’ve ever read.

I wrote this review for goodreads, but I’m also posting it here. Bare with me, it’s long.. much of it is under a cut. 

This is honest to god one of the most offensive books I've ever read. 

My reading goal I set with myself this year was to read all the LGBT YA fiction I could find. Even though I'm 26 years old, YA fiction remains my favorite genre, especially YA romance. It's something about the nature of adolescence being all about change and everything being for the first time and brand new... Writing about/for teenagers, authors can give the endlessly magical feeling of being on the precipice of something great without even trying. That said, some of it reads really young for me and I lose suspension of belief within the story because I am an adult and the intended audience is 14... Though, in my experience, in a really good book, that difference will be noticeable, but unimportant. In this book, however, it was instantly A Big Deal. I had to remind myself so many times in the first few chapters to forgive its terrible sentence structure and awkward wording. It was meant for someone much younger than me, and while it *was* using terrible sentence fragments almost every sentence, the author did that to set the age of the narrating character. I wish she hadn't. It's one thing to have Simon's emails and quoted speech read with every other sentence being a fragment... but for every page of narration to have that many fragments, it's hard to read... One of my goals in reading all the LGBT YA fiction I can find is so that I can better recommend books to the LGBT teens I know who need to read more/find more relevant reading to their lives/learn that reading doesn't just have to be the boring books they're assigned in school *and* use that reading to benefit their writing. When every sentence is either a fragment or a run-on, it kind of defeats that purpose... 

But aside from that, I have to agree with other reviewers about how much it shows the author's straightness. I took notes. So buckle up folks... Here's some of the worst offenses and my thoughts. This is by no means a comprehensive list as I have a character limit.

Okay, let's start simple.. Throughout the book, starting on page 21 with its latest reference being 179-180, Leah's objectification of gay boys in the form of yaoi and "slash" fanfic is written to indicate her support and allyship. Its first reference on page 21 comes right after Simon's declared that lesbian and bi women have an easier time of things because straight men like to objectify them. Is it 2018/2017 and we're really still going to praise something that passes straight objectification of LGBT people off as support??? Really??? And these reference to Harry/Draco are SO bad! The last one, I think is the worst. Simon tells Leah he knew she would be supportive because she's the one who introduced him to Harry and Draco, so it was never a question. The first one where we read Simon's exploration into masturbation wasn't fun either.

And that's something to talk about... Sex. I have nothing against sex in teen fiction. Teens have sex and when authors do it right, reading about a teenager explore sex in various forms can add to the story tenfold. However, here it comes off almost like Fifty Shades Of Grey level awkward. Multiple times it's written in the narration Simon tell the reader "I'm hard." Not "I have a boner," not "I'm turned on," "I'm hard." It's something that's just uncomfortable to read... And I don't even think it's just that Simon's a teenage character because I don't think it would have been so uncomfortable to read "I'm turned on" or "I have a boner," but the specific wording of "I'm hard" is very uncomfortable. And then the moment where Simon and Bram "each spend time in the bathroom" prior to Simon's parents coming home after Simon says "I'm hard and I can tell he is too" is just.. "I feel something *down there*" level awkward. 

But it's more than that... The emphasis on the word "sex" and phrasing like "I'm hard" give the effect that The Secret Life of the American Teenager had with how many times they said "had/have sex." It feels almost... clinical. It was actually during the first sex-centric email chain I went and read the author bio because I guessed she was a clinician. That's not a good thing. Throughout the book, I see moments of a straight person attempting gay humor... And it's just painful, because she'll get there... and then miss it. Like the passage the book gets its title from. "Blue" takes a shot at gay humor saying that all people coming out is "the homosexual agenda." A classic gay joke in a very safe form. Then Simon comes and runs straight past the joke and "all lives matter"s the joke by saying "I don't know about the homosexual agenda, the homo sapiens agenda. Isn't that the point?" But no, Simon. No it is not the point. If that was the agenda of the whole species, that's how it would work. Furthermore, the joke is a reference to gay hate replaced with gay love. I have to wonder how Becky Albertalli wrote that line without realizing it was the same general premise of "all lives matter." We are not equal in that fight. LGBT people are marginalized. That is the whole freaking point, as Simon would put it. Which brings me to... The cursing. If you're going to write a teenage character who is conscious of their language and doesn't curse, then do it. Don't be inconsistent about it, just do it. Simon will say "fuck" sometimes, and sometimes, he'll be very careful to say "freaking." He also assumes Blue is uncomfortable with cursing... I'm sorry, either a lot's changed since I was 16 ten years ago (which I doubt because, as mentioned, I interact with a lot of teenagers frequently in mentoring and tutoring), or Ms. Becky Albertalli is imposing some odd morals in this book real hard. At any rate, it's incredibly awkward. I want to talk about characters. A review quote from Publishers Weekly says "Readers will fall madly in love with Simon" and I'd just like to ask one simple question: What readers? Okay, maybe two... Why? Now again, let me preface this by repeating, I am a regular tutor and mentor to many teenagers and I interact with them regularly. They text me, facebook message me, snap me, instagram DM me, etc all throughout the day I am in constant communication with my little ones. These are all (for the most part) LGBT kids, most of whom struggle with mental illness issues that are giving them school trouble. Simon is insufferable. He's not just a complex character with insufferable traits, no. I love those characters, they tend to be my favorites. Quite the contrary... He has no substance. Simon was given almost no characterization throughout the entire 303 pages of the original version of the book. I mean I know he loves Elliott Smith and oreos and not much else. He doesn't like things being made into a Big Deal. He's in a play and we're told he liked being the center of attention as a child, but he doesn't seem to like it now and/or we get no description on it. We get a lot of narration about what other people are doing and how other people are thinking and feeling and it leaves very little space to explore Simon. Sometimes, the book feels narrated in 3rd person limited rather than 1st person because of how much exposition there is on others. Simon feels like an empty character that is supposed to be a self insert to the reader.. which again, makes those awkwardly worded sex scenes even more uncomfortable. But with that, there's very little character *development*. Simon doesn't grow or change too much from beginning to end. Things in Simon's life change, but as a reader, I didn't feel Simon himself changing. I think the biggest factor here is that once again, we have a coming out story written by a straight person in which the main character was outed without permission and in a publicly humiliating way before he was ready. If there is one thing I wish straight people would write down, crumple up and throw away/burn/dispose of in any given way to make sure it never comes back... it's this trope. Martin committed an act of violence. Outing someone against their will, especially as a form of public punishment by harassment, is an act of anti-gay violence. For Simon's character development to happen so that this ends up being the nudge he needs because he doesn't really deal with the trauma of it. I mean, it's mentioned... I'll give Ms. Albertalli that, but it's not *explored.* The book I read prior to this was The Symptoms of Being Human, which is a great book (with a few pacing problems) about a genderfluid teenager named Riley. To save spoilers, I'll just say there's also violence in that book... But unlike in this book, in Symptoms, Riley has time at home where we see and hear their pain and coping. The topic of coming out is hugely important in Symptoms too, but there, we get incredibly intimate with Riley's internal debate on the topic. In this book, Simon's internal debate happens completely away from the reader outside of his debate to tell Nick and Leah that one time in the basement after he told Abby. How am I supposed to feel the development of this character in a story of coming out in which I was kept away from the internal debate of the character in question? It's just bad writing. I want to talk about the other characters for a second too... Who are such annoying stereotypes. So first Leah. The straight girl obsessed with gay boys who spends her time objectifying them and feels ownership over her male best friend. The central point of her character throughout the book seems to be her jealousy and blind hatred of the other biggest female character. Yikes. Then there's Nick who is obsessed with Assassin's Creed (great series) and is That Guy who has to pick up a guitar everywhere he goes (AKA The "Anyway, here's Wonderwall" guy). Then there's Abby who, as far as I can tell is one of the two actual compelling characters. There's Bram/Blue, the other compelling character who loses all characterization once we find out he's Bram. It's like Blue is super interesting. Bram is a blank sheet like Simon devoid of any characterization. Martin who is a straight man who violently outs a gay man after blackmailing him because he feels ownership over a woman he doesn't know... And the worst part about Martin is in his final "apology" email, he says if he could go back, he'd blackmail Simon into friendship with him and then stop. DIRECT QUOTE bottom of p 289. Earlier in the book when Simon, Martin, and Abby are running lines at the Waffle House and Simon starts to feel like Martin's friend, it's passed off as a good thing??? What? I also want to mention Simon's stereotypes. Does he really have to mention Every Single Time Nick is playing video games (particularly Assassin's Creed) that he doesn't care? Really? Also... He seems to understand sports fine... and then all of the sudden after he comes out he slips up and calls soccer try-outs "auditions"???? Something I've literally only ever seen done on the TV show The Middle by its main gay character Brad? Really? Something else I want to point out... I'll go back to the Harry Potter Harry/Draco thing for a second... That's an abusive relationship that's literally mostly shipped and romanticized by straight girls. Okay, I just had to point that out explicitly. Abusive gay relationship. Okay... So I've saved the most offensive two bits for last. One: "Cross-dressing." Now I don't know know if Becky Albertalli had a trans person read this before publishing but Simon's disgust that he used to enjoy wearing dresses was so incredibly painful. As a transgender person myself, I am so deeply saddened that a book that has had so much praise as being incredible representation would include such hostility. Reading the passage of gender-bender day felt like a punch in the gut. To feel the vitriol disgust in Simon's words "A lot of the time, I can't believe that was even me" and "I never crossed that line," "there's something so mortifying to me about the intensity of those feelings." I get it Simon, you hate trans people. Probably you too Becky Albertalli... As a transgender person, a book with such a passage will never be okay. Two: The entire scene in Webster's with Peter. At first, Peter is an age inappropriate gay man who gets Simon drunk knowing nothing about him, including his age without any conversation. Within a few minutes of meeting him, he puts three drinks in Simon's system, then almost as if Ms. Albertalli was aware she was crossing the line into the "older gay male predator" trope, she magically reveals Simon's age to these college kids who send him on his way. He's so disgustingly happy being sloppy drunk. The whole thing is embarrassing and honestly seems to serve 0 point other than to give justification for Simon's parents to ground him. Simon is taken advantage of by a group of older gay men and then punished by his parents. What in the actual hell is that? Okay... so that's my list of most offensive things of this book. Honorable mention: Simon's parents saying they need to find "ground rules" for when Nick sleeps over. Straight people are so obsessed with the idea that people cannot be "just friends" (I hate that term, but you get it) with people of the gender they're attracted to and honestly, it baffles me. Do straight people not have friends? At any rate, between the writing style and bad sentence structure, the poor characterization, the anti-gay tropes, the fake allyship, the praise of straight objectification of gay people, the forgiveness of anti-gay violence, the anti-feminist aspects of the tension between the two main female characters, the poor narrative structure... I see very little to like, let alone love, about this book. It is one of the most offensive books I've ever read

[parentsguidetoanime]

Making Moral Choices II: Sex, Romance, & Nudity

This is the second of five posts to help you think about setting appropriate standards for your children, based on your family morals. In this post, we will look at the sexual aspects of anime.

In Japan, many adults watch anime, and some anime do feature sex and sexual situations. The most extreme examples are explicitly hard-core pornographic anime and manga, which are called “hentai.” Hentai is the Japanese word for pervert, and these anime feature graphic depictions of intercourse. They often are also brutally sadomasochistic. These anime would easily earn an X rating if they were movies. It is a simple decision to absolutely ban all hentai for your children. The stories have no redeeming value and differ in no significant way from Western pornography.

Be aware that some hentai are homosexual. There are three main divisions within this category: bara, yaoi, and yuri. Bara is male homosexual pornography mostly created by and for men, yaoi is male homosexual pornography mostly created by and for women, and yuri is lesbian pornography created mostly by women for both men and women. While bara and yuri are small niche markets, yaoi is popular with many teenage girls. Many girls share yaoi manga, and it can be difficult to monitor their reading, particularly when they are away from home. This is a situation where open communication with your daughter and mutual trust are essential. I recommend explaining that yaoi is unhealthy for them for several reasons: First, this material can interfere with the normal development of relationships with boys. The vast majority of teen boys react very negatively to yaoi, and girls who are openly yaoi fans tend to drive boys away. Second, the behaviors depicted are extremely unrealistic and create false expectations about how boys and men act in the real world. Third, the relationships in these stories are often physically and/or psychologically abusive and can negatively affect your daughters’ ability to form healthy relationships in the future. Finally, yaoi depicts boys with extremely feminized features and can create unrealistic expectations about normal body types in the same way as photoshopped images in pornographic magazines create false standards for female beauty.

Anime that are one step down in explicit sex and nudity are called “ecchi.” Ecchi is the Japanese pronunciation of the English letter “H” which is the first sound in the word hentai. Ecchi often show nudity and sexual situations, but are not as explicit as hentai, and rarely include violence or sadomasochism. The predominant form of ecchi is sex comedies, and the characters are usually high school or college students. Just as with hentai, some ecchi are homosexual. Male gay ecchi are called shonen-ai, which translates as “boy love.” Similarly, lesbian ecchi are called shojo-ai, or “girl love.” The sexual content of ecchi is similar to movies like American Pie and Porkies’ and would generally earn an R rating.

It is an easy decision for parents to ban ecchi for young children and tweens. There is no need to expose them to sexual content, and they are generally not interested in such content anyway. We move into a gray area when we are dealing with teenagers. On the negative side, most teens do not need any encouragement to think about sex, and ecchi can be expected to increase their desire for sexual activities. On the other hand, just as video games can provide a substitute for real world violence, ecchi can provide a relatively benign outlet for sexual frustration. I would recommend applying the same judgment to ecchi as you would to R-rated Western material. Certainly, most seventeen and eighteen year olds can handle ecchi, while most thirteen and fourteen years old cannot.

Just to make life more complex, many ecchi are intentionally censored to reduce the nudity. Steam, lens flare and strategically placed barriers and placed to make the shows less objectionable. These visual blocks move the shows from an R rated level to a PG-13 level, which can make them more acceptable. Crunchyroll (www.crunchyroll.com) is the largest free internet streaming sites for anime and has many ecchi anime that are filtered in this way. Censored ecchi becomes problematic because in many cases, the stories are appropriate for many teenagers and their parents while being completely unacceptable for others.

Let’s examine a show that falls in this difficult gray area, where different parents can legitimately come to opposite decisions. The show is called A Bridge to the Starry Skies (Hoshizora e Kakaru Hashi) and is available for free streaming on Crunchyroll. The story is an example of a “harem” story. The main character, Kazuma, attracts the attention and affection of six girls in his high school. The story follows the development of these relationships, which are complicated because the girls are all friends with each other and have very different personalities.

From a parent’s perspective, the story is undesirable because these high school students are actively pursuing partners in a way that is clearly intended to lead to sex. There are many sexually suggestive jokes and comedic situations throughout the series. The show also has a great deal of fan service, where the characters appear naked or near naked, although private parts are masked. Finally, both the students and their parents are aware of and comment on the sexual and romantic dynamics.

On the other hand, this story has some very positive aspects. First, Kazuma and the other characters are good people. They are kind, thoughtful, helpful, and upbeat. They watch out for each other and for others. Kazuma is sometimes oblivious, but never takes advantage of the girls who are trying to win his affections. Although important, romance has to take its place within day to day life: school work and homework take up a significant chunk of time, some characters have part time jobs, etc. We also see the typical fumbling and awkwardness of teenage love, with embarrassment, confusion, and mixed emotions presented in a far more realistic manner than most American teen comedies. Most importantly, we see resilient characters cope with disappointment and rejection in surprisingly mature ways.

So, do you allow your children to watch A Bridge to the Starry Skies? It’s a tough call and depends on your standards, your child’s age and maturity, and your best judgment. If you’re in doubt, I’d recommend prescreening the series and discussing the series with your teens to make sure that they are learning the right lessons.

When stepping down from ecchi, the decision making process becomes easier. Nudity associated with bathing is common in many anime these are aimed at younger audiences simply because bathing is such a central part of Japanese culture. In these shows, there are no sexual overtones to the nudity. Romances in shojo (girl) and shonen (boy) anime are also more innocent and sexuality is downplayed or completely absent.

I am going to suggest some general guidelines for parents based on your moral standards and the emotional maturity of your children. Naturally, you have to decide on the appropriate content for your family.

Children are tweens or younger: eliminate all hentai and ecchi material regardless of your personal standards.

Children are young to middle teenagers: eliminate all hentai and the vast majority of ecchi unless you personally screened it for objectionable content. Discuss content with your children to be sure they are learning the appropriate messages.

Children are high school age: If you routinely allow your children to watch R rated material, you can simply ban hentai. How much ecchi is acceptable is up to you. However, don’t be surprised if you see negative behavior in your children if they are sexualized at too young an age.

[transrph]

                                    Writing a Trans Character                               As Experienced by a Trans Man

     With more resources coming out for trans faceclaims, I wanted to make sure that there were also more guides on how to write a trans character. So I’m going to be sharing my personal experience with gender as a toolset for those that haven’t/aren’t questioning their identity. Please keep in mind that this is entirely based off of my personal experience and growth, and that every trans person has their own journey with their own experiences. None are invalid and all are equally as important. This also wound up turning into more of a gender study as well, so feel free to share and message about your thoughts. I’d love to have gender discussions!

     I’ve bolded the questions you should be asking yourself when building your characters backstory to make navigating the guide somewhat easier.

Part One The Early Signs

Part Two Mislabeling

Growing up not understanding or not knowing what all it means to be trans - or the possibility of even identifying as trans (see part one), meant a lot of confusion where labels were concerned. Flip-flopping, never quite settling in, never finding that one label that felt like home. In my case, I jumped back and forth between lesbian and bisexual and eventually pansexual. There was so much jumping, however, because I was so incredibly attracted to girls, that I thought for sure I was a lesbian. The problem laid in the fact that the representation on tv was that this is painful, and that it shouldn’t feel natural to me. That I should be struggling with my gender identity if I really were trans. However I was quite the opposite. I’d always liked girls, it was only when I realized that other people didn’t find this normal that I began to go through ‘gay panic’. 

So when writing your character, and building their backstory or simply just developing them, try and keep the questioning in mind, as well as what representation they were exposed to. Ask yourself what they felt when they were attracted to whatever sex they felt attracted to. And if you want to use the experience I shared, then start asking when your character realized that it wasn’t normal? What event brought them to that? Was it an action or someone’s words? They seem like such small details, but these small things made such a huge impact on my experience. It was because of the actions and words of others, and the specific things that they said, that made me so afraid of sexuality and afraid to label myself. Which begs the next question; does your character even care?

If, like me, they cared a lot due to bullying, then what actions did they take to try and hide and ignore those feelings?

My experience was to shove away any emotions. I stopped being friends with those I felt attracted to, any gay jokes were met with confusion and internal panic on if someone had figured it out. And it led to so much misery because in my world this was the most natural thing in the world. I didn’t understand why I felt this sudden need to hide it, or hate it even. But as time went on it felt less scary, I lived in places where it was more socially accepted and was free to ask friends their experiences on their sexual orientations. So, again, ask yourself what your characters gone through. If they had friends that were openly gay, if they had self-hatred, if they felt agony over it or if it was something they didn’t think much on. As far as the experience goes it’s any man’s game. Just make sure that your character’s history matches who they wind up being in the future. You can’t simply say they always hated being a girl/boy. Not without what it was about being seen as that gender that made them so upset. And you can’t magically have them okay with it and have no backstory or journey. Not without having a boring and bland character. The best parts of world building are the parts that you get to make because you have to put yourself so thoroughly in someone else’s shoes and maneuver a life you haven’t led, using resources you can hold through a second hand experience. It’s the ultimate puzzle.

When I began to identify as bisexual, I noticed it was more because I could look at men and say ‘they’re attractive to me. I want that.’ What I couldn’t say was that I wanted to have sex with a man, or even romantically be with them (at that time). I only wanted what they had, and because I wanted it so badly, I would date men. I’ve dated about 10 men total in my life, I’ve only loved one of them. It’s a tricky path to maneuver, because gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate things, and yet they are somehow so close to each other. So close that sometimes even I get mixed up and lost.

Because this is focusing mostly on gender identity I don’t want to speak too much on the sexuality aspect, however I will say that confusing the two is something that happens, I feel, in most trans people’s minds. There is so little education out there, and like part one said, resources are scarce if you don’t know what you’re looking for. So having a character firm in their gender but lost in their sexuality is fine, even if you as the mun are yourself. Another fun part of writing is letting your muse guide you where inspiration hits. If you’re not sure what your character’s orientation would be, add that to the bio, create that history, put your confusion inside of your character, and don’t stop educating yourself on the different labels and identities there are.

To this day I’m still somewhat lost on my sexual preference, partly because I worry that my attraction to men is still just envy over them being cis and having what I want, and partly because I don’t think I want to have sex with anyone with how insecure I am about my non cis body. It’s a scary thing to face, but one we all need to go through (those of us that don’t fall under the ace spectrum).

I tend to say I am pansexual, because I’m of the belief that I would date someone based off of who they are as a person, rather than gender or sex. As far as your character goes, ask what their values are in a partner. Ask them the questions on what they are attracted to, and then why they are attracted to those things. And then ask why again. What is it about the aspects of their attraction that make them attracted? The best advice I can give is to explore your character to the very depth, because that is what transgender people do all the time. We are constantly questioning why. Why do we think we’re trans? How do we know we’re not looking for attention? What if it really is just a phase? What makes us think that we’re not just unhappy with how our body looks? Are we just trying to be ‘special snowflakes’? And the questioning doesn’t stop one starting hormone therapy. At least for me it hasn’t. Because I can look back on when I identified as female with great fondness. I have amazing memories of myself and my friends, I even find myself grieving some of the femininity that I lost through transition. Not because I regret transitioning (I’ve never been happier in all honesty) but because in a way it’s like saying goodbye to the part of you that stayed strong when the world felt impossible. The person you were forced to be was miserable, but they were also strong, and I take pride in how I managed to survive to see this day, and I owe it to that half of me, my feminine side for staying strong and figuring out the world.

So far you should know your character’s experiences as a child and growing up with signs of being gender non conforming, how they coped and lived with it, whether or not the signs were clear when they were very young, a teenager, or in their twenties or older. You should also know what made them the person they are today in regards to finding their identity. The struggles they faced early on and how they overcame or are currently dealing with them. And now you should know what identities they used to try and figure out their sexuality, as well as if they used those identities to hide or try and understand their gender identity.

Prompt Version:

What did your character feel when attracted to the sex they were attracted to?

When did your character realize that said attraction wasn’t deemed as normal (if they were attracted to the same sex)?

What event brought them to realize it wasn’t seen as normal (if they were attracted to the same sex)?

Did they take actions to try and hide or ignore the way they felt?

What has your character gone through at this point? Did they talk to friends about their identitiy, whether gender or sexual?

What values does your character have in a partner?

What are they attracted to about the sex they are interested in?

Why are they attracted to those things?

And what is it about those aspects that makes them so attracted?

[bewareofchris]

writer woes

so i’ve had several days off because i’m trying to cope with stress and anxiety that feels like its trying to kill me.  And in those days off I”ve been all over tumblr and read all kinds of posts about how terrible writing fanfiction is, and how difficult it is when nobody reviews your things, and how there’s no point in writing if someone isn’t around to tell you that you did a good job.  I mean, I’ve read a few books worth of this at this point.

1. writing fanfiction is hard. 2. wanting validation/praise for doing hard work makes complete and total sense 3. spending time creating something you love and finding nobody else to love it sucks. 4. no, not all writers write for the sake of writing.   5. like no.  I never once wrote a single damn word because i was inspired by the deep, personal love of the craft.  i have written for the following reasons:

a school assignment

to prove i was better than my brother

to make someone like me

to make someone happy

to piss off someone

because my teacher pissed me off

because someone said i couldn’t

because i didn’t think i could

because someone asked me to

because i couldn’t sleep for days

to show off

for the notes

i was angry

nobody else had written what i wanted to read

my best friend told me i was emotionless

my best friend wrote better than i did

i didn’t want to become an alcoholic

to cope with anxiety 

i disagreed with the interpretation of a trope/character

i thought it was a funny idea

6.  I love writing and it’s hell.  It’s constant hell.  I mean, I love it.  I wouldn’t give it up but literal constant hell.  I’ve got scars on my hands and my arm because I can’t cope with the things in my head.  but I can write them out.  so writing is constant, self-inflicted hell.

7.  I actually started out in originals.  I began my long career in fandom by writing terrible gay vampire novels and various other stories involving boys that liked to kiss one another.  I was an uppity little shit, obsessed with death/murder and writing almost exclusively with all male casts.  

8.  in my writing class we had to write fanfiction off a book, no joke.  and since my BFF at the time was like LOOK AT THE GAY ASS GUNDUM BOYS, and I discovered the internet and people who would read my stupid stories, I basically started writing fanfiction for 100 years

9.  i have literally only ever once tried to get something published.  and it was bad and I’m actually very happy it got rejected.

(9a. i have never won a writing contest, ever.  Not in fandom*, not in school, not in professional writing magazines.  *that i intentionally entered, I believe.)

10.  it’s been like my entire life, and everyone i talk to about my writing is like: “oh you should get published, you’re really good” and that’s always a nice pat on the back.  Its uplifting.

11.  but i don’t believe them.  I know I”m a lazy fuck, I know i’m hanging on by a thread here.

12. I also oscillate violently between wanting to be published and giving up before I try.

13. which I tell myself is perfectly okay.  I’ll either get there or I won’t.

14. but wouldn’t it be amazing if I did get published, and became a best-seller and they made a mini-series out of my story.  And I could go online and people would be writing literally the worst fanfiction ever about my characters?

(14a. also, so I could be like: OK HOLLYWOOD YOU CAN HAVE THIS AMAZING CAST OF CHARACTERS AND MY BADASS STORY LINE BUT REMEMBER THERE’S LIKE 3 white people and like 1 straight person and you can’t change their race or sexual orientation for any reason.)

15. I’ve written millions of words of fanfiction since I started and I can name probably 4? fanfics out of that list?  Inertia (or the laws of motion), Sass-Badger Vs. The-Son-of-No-One, Immovable, unbreakable and Underbelly (an RPS fic don’t go looking for it).  

16.  so if I were to look at this objectively, I would say that it’s basically half my life that i’ve wasted writing useless trash for the internet.  i’m no closer today to getting published than I was when i was writing gay vampire novels at age 14.  

(16a. I do have a much better understanding of sex though.  So there’s a plus.)

17. but it would be unfair to the struggle of actually writing those millions of words, and of the worry that i wasn’t good enough, and of the progress I’ve made as a writer, and of the connections and moments I’ve shared with readers to call any of those millions of words a waste.  (I mean, realistically I could have not written some of them.)

18. despite all this, and despite having spent most of my fanfiction career actively vying to be popular enough to be recognized, i just want to throw it out there on the internet

19. you can write for the notes, or for the love of it, or because your girlfriend was like “hey, why not write a star trek fic set in the wild west” that one time before she was even your girlfriend and you were like “i bet I could impress her if I just wrote that wild west fic despite knowing nothing about the genre or the actual wild west”.  You can write whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want and that’s 100% fine

20. but nobody has to read it.  nobody has to like it.  nobody has to comment on it.  nobody has to leave a kudos.  your success and your well-being is not the responsibility of the reader.  

21. i’m not trying to be mean, and i’m not trying to start fights.  but even if you’re writing for the notes, and the comments, and the praise (which is 100% ok, we all want those things), you will never get enough notes, enough comments and enough praise if you walk in thinking that is owed to you.  

22. its hard to be discouraged, and its hard to work for no reward, and it’s shitty to feel underwhelmed and shitty and go on the internet and have people tell you that you’re wrong for feeling that way and you should write for the love of it and not because you want praise.

23.  i’m not saying develop sudden full enlightenment and ascend to a higher plane of existence where you require nothing and no longer have human weaknesses or needs.

24.  i’m saying, be proud of your work, be proud of your notes, and keep working.  it gets easier, it gets better, you get better as a writer.  When you’re down, reread your favorite story you’ve ever written and think of how amazing it is that this story exists because you wrote it.  

[niennavalier]

OC Ramble Pt 3!

Alright, this is gonna be my last OC post for now (unless I feel like unleashing the D&D character creation hell onto the internet) (which is a possibility but idk, cause I actually can't include all of them anyway). Just gonna do a little bit of a talk about my other ship, which I tend to call my City Boys, because a suggestion from a friend stuck. Also a few of the characters connected to their story. Which I will talk about... someday. Also the world for this. Which isn't fully fleshed out yet, aside from being sorta... medieval/renaissance vibes? (I clearly know history). But essentially kinda how fantasy vibes work, just minus magic. But the whole story has been centered around the one city that they're both from, which has really strict economical divides and such.

But okay, gonna start typing on the boys, here we go, hopefully won't be writing too much here (it's late and I'm sleepy).

Alaric Hastings: Mid-20s ish, born into a noble and really traditionally minded, old school type family (the really haughty, uptight sorts - basically just huge dicks, to be concise). But it's not the kind of life he likes - big social gatherings and keeping up appearances and having to present yourself in a certain way just to maintain your family's pride. He's very much an introvert, gets anxious and nervous really easily in these sorts of situations, and has never really had a way to deal with it? (He got basically thrown into the deep end with this sorta stuff at a young age and isn't naturally a people person. Which didn't really get him any friends that could make this all easier, and it's just amplified by his parents being super uptight, even compared to other nobles. It's all a big mess, really). When his parents find out he's gay, that goes as well as you'd expect and he ends up disowned.

(tbh if you check my other posts, he's the one that I posted the song for. The idea of male!Elsa lives in my head rent-free and made it into this character)

Then there's y'know, plot stuff that I'm too tired to get into. But in general, he's real warm-hearted and gentle - lots of very soft vibes here. (even if that's coupled with self-esteem issues and such). (Although he's also the type of person who will really latch onto something as a way to cope, whether healthy or not? AKA alcoholism is uh... a thing. But hey, this is what plot is for - to address things).

Random fun fact: he's actually one of few males characters I have who doesn't fit into that super pretty aesthetic? He's more conventionally handsome, although he himself doesn't really care much about his looks. Which is a nice lead in to...

Silas Reyes: The other half of this pairing! He comes from the poorer part of the city (but a much better family environment. He didn't know his dad but his mom is wonderful) (Actually, cause I did come up with some story stuff for his parents, his dad is also a noble, but from a much nicer family, and has some big idiot golden retriever energy). But he's the charismatic people-person of the two. Without getting too far into the worldbuilding, he basically worked his way up into this crime syndicate of sorts, and ended up becoming their negotiator and face, so to speak. He's just good at reading people and understanding what they want, and he knows how to sort of dance around those desires and play whatever part he needs to, so long as it gets whatever outcome he wants. Which is the more sinister side of what he's capable of, but he's just really adaptable when it comes to social stuff. Outside of that, though, when he's able to take off all those masks, he's genuine and... I guess blunt? He'll say what he thinks, albeit in a way that still comes off as friendly and ribbing and generally warm, not cold (though he does have a somewhat sharper way of speaking, especially compared to Alaric. It's sorta hard to just explain without examples though).

Him and Alaric meet under...not so great circumstances - lying is involved at the early stages - but, again, plot and development and etc etc.

And as for why there was that attempt at a transition up above: he cares a lot about how he looks. Presentation and stuff. It's important to him that he looks put together, especially in the presence of other people (ie. people he's not super close with). Especially his hair? He's particular about it and puts a lot of time into it (because it was actually an early part of his character design IRL. I had an idea, and said idea had me actually looking up stuff like medieval techniques to dye hair).

Emerson: Again, no last names, but she's one of Silas' friends. Two ish years younger that him, hardcore insists that everyone calls her Em. She's got this big and exuberant personality. Very talkative and just a bit dramatic (more than a bit). She loves being involved in all the goings-ons and has been known to basically be the local rumor mill. That whole nosy side is really on display when she's with Silas and Bennett (who I'll talk about a bit down below). She loves knowing what their plans are, especially when it comes to their love lives (she's very invested in all of that. When she first met Alaric, she shipped the two of them from the start and was more or less determined to make sure they worked out their issues). She's panromantic and ace, and so when the boys talk more on the sex side of all of this, her opinion is the "okay I'm glad you two enjoy this but also why? Aren't there better parts to talk about?"

Bennett: Alright, I mentioned him above and frankly, I don't have him fully figured out - just some bits and pieces I wrote to get an idea of his voice. But he's the other one of Silas' friends, and of the trio, the sorta more serious one. He's much more grounded (no-nonsense seems a little too harsh, so I'll go with grounded) and gives off this air of just knowing how to deal with situations. He's much more of a listener than his two friends, but also naturally intuitive (especially when it comes to reading Silas. The two of them met as teenagers, so there's a lot of unspoken stuff that he can read. They didn't meet Emerson for another handful of years, at which point she just sidled up to them and became part of the group). But also, all of that can go out the window when he's with the two of them - especially Emerson. They'll just bicker and banter with each other constantly over whatever weird topic of conversation someone brought up.

Side Notes: Yes, most of these characters are attached to Silas, but to be fair, Alaric's parents are huge assholes and I've just not cared enough to flesh them out. They suck and that's all that matters for now - whatever excuse they think they have for not accepting their kid is dickish and dumb (to be fair, I do have their reasons in mind, and yeah, bad parenting). Also, I do have another character in the works who's connected to Alaric's backstory - a brief, past love interest that he meets again later. But I don't have a lot of ideas for how that all goes, so I haven't experimented hugely with his character (although I do have a name I like!) And other last thing: I do have Silas' parents worked out a bit - Delia Reyes and Alonso Oriol - and have actually written down how they meet (it's incredibly stupid and fitting). I just didn't feel like going into them too much here? Maybe I will later idk; his dad is a riot (big dumb idiot who just adopts people).

[footyplusau]

AFLW: Phillips has a second brilliant career

Erin Phillips this week revealed for the first time she has struggled with depression following the Opals’ shock two-point loss to Serbia in the women’s basketball quarter-finals at the Rio Olympics six months ago and fears she will never get over the disappointment.

It comes as a shock given her profound joy at becoming a parent of twins last November with her wife Tracy Gahan and being at the forefront of a wave of excitement leading the Adelaide Crows into the new AFL women’s competition.

Big kick: Erin Phillips of the Crows shows her style against the Western Bulldogs earlier this month. Photo: Adam Trafford/AFL Media

Her situation follows an alarming increase in Australia’s sporting heroes struggling to cope with what they personally perceive as failure, a situation that will heighten calls for greater support or closer monitoring of our elite athletes post-competition.

Phillips said that while she had been overwhelmed by the praise poured upon her for what she has brought to football, she said this new competition had done more for her than anyone could imagine because it reminded her what sport should also be about – enjoyment.

While many have thought football may take her away from basketball with the Dallas Wings in the American Women’s National Basketball Association and the Opals completely, she feels that it may in fact extend her career on the court and help her find the passion to get her through another Olympic campaign – Tokyo 2020.

“There has definitely been an element of depression after Rio,” Erin said. “I had coffee with Rachael Sporn [three-time basketball Olympian] this week and it was the first time I opened up about the Rio Games. She has been in similar situations.

“It is four years of your life to train for two weeks and you have outside expectations, your own expectations, and to pull up so short as to where you should have finished is hard.

“It is really hard having been in a basketball program when I started in 2005 when it was the Commonwealth Games and the world championship, and it was two gold medals in my first year. That’s who we were; we existed to win medals; to be successful.

“I was a rookie at that point, and coming into my senior year I took on a tonne of responsibility. I just wanted the win the gold medal to keep a tradition going.

“I could not talk too much about it [the Rio loss] with my family because thinking about it didn’t make me feel any better let alone talking about it. When I saw Rachael I started to open up a bit, but  it still hurts. I don’t think it will ever go away.”

The personal challenge Phillips is confronting has also left her concerned about the welfare of her Opals teammates.

Phillips, 31, who will return to the Dallas Wings in the WNBA in April, said football could not have come at a better time for her, especially after Rio. “It has totally changed my life, my attitude,” she said.

And like so many in the AFLW competition, Phillips is playing football for the first time since she was just a kid. Her famous football dad, Greg, was 14 when he helped to pull out stumps on his grandfather’s property in Minnipa on South Australia’s west coast after school and on Saturday’s played footy for the juniors in the morning and got battered and bruised playing against men in the A-grade that afternoon. It was why he was such a strong, indeed a marvellous player, for Port Adelaide (343 games), South Australia (20) and Collingwood (84) from 1976-93. And he remains a great bloke.

Erin had pressure of a different kind as a young teenager; as a girl playing suburban footy against boys. “I copped a fair bit from parents of opposition,” she said. “It was all about don’t get beaten by a girl; it was all sexist.

“I am not sure whether football would have been ready for this current AFL women’s competition when I was 13; maybe over time but definitely not at this escalation. The timing of this competition has been perfect.

“For me, football stopped at 13 because it was all you could do. Some of the players [boys] went on and had that skill development stage by stage until going into under-17 competitions, to reserves, SANFL and a chance at the AFL. The process was there the whole way for them, but this is brand new for us. Some of these girls haven’t done a weights program before, or sat down with a nutritionist, a wellness coach … we’re a long way away from the men. We are our own identity; we just happen to play the same sport.

“I have probably had more publicity in one season of football – as short as it has been – than I have had in my whole basketball career over 17 years. That didn’t make me feel neglected as a basketballer; football is our sport, and because my dad played I have had a bigger relationship with the game and my football story is unique.

“I knew this competition was going to be pretty big, but not this big. People recognise me more than ever in the supermarket, and that’s great for the sport. I love it when people say great game or great win. It is amazing how may people say that.

“The girls have mentioned how much their lives have changed because they are recognised now, but I remind them it’s only a seven or eight-game season and off we go, back to the real world.

“I can look back at how things were when I left football at 13 and see life as it is now. Society has changed; this generation is more tolerant.”

Phillips believes that generation Y has also brought far greater openness and understanding of whom we really are, and leaves no doubt this social acceptance has made it easier for girls to play a traditional boys’ game without sexual preferences being a real issue.

“For me personally, I’m quite comfortable with my sexuality and my personal life,” Phillips said. “In this regard I’m unbelievably happy. It’s just right. We have come a long way as a society from back then, but I still think there is a long way to go.

“I would like to see this country legalise gay marriage and there be equality for everybody. Will I use my football to campaign for these rights? I have not sat down and thought about it because I have never seen myself as different, or thought that my relationship was that interesting. Apparently it has been, and maybe there is an element where I should be more outspoken and more in the public eye about it.

“I would just like it to be a situation whereby, oh that’s OK, it’s the same as being a heterosexual relationship. That’s why I don’t parade it because I don’t think it is any different to being like my mum and dad’s relationship or my sister’s and her husband [Hawthorn star Shaun Burgoyne].

“I was very young, but I remember vividly watching my dad play, hanging on to the picket fence at Alberton Oval with a football under my arm. I’d like to be in a position where I am still playing football or basketball or both and having my kids [Blake and Brooklyn] watching me and having a memory of me playing sport. It is something really special; something they will forever have.”

Remarkably, Phillips notes the irony in those who cling to the old belief that football is not a game for girls; that it’s too physically demanding

“I genuinely believe football may actually extend my basketball career,” Phillips said. “I know there is tackling and things like that, but my body feels much better after playing one game of football a week compared with two WNBA games and in the off-season sometimes four games a week in Europe taking rebounds and landing on a hardwood floor. For me, now it’s seven or eight games in a season on a grassy field.”

Phillips knows another Olympic campaign heading to Tokyo will cut short her sudden brilliant football career, and equally uncertain is whether she, Tracy and their beautiful three-month twins ultimately settle down in Dallas, Texas, where they have a house and Tracy’s parents live.

Phillips repeated how great she felt life was right now, and joked that all she needed was for her dad to wear her No.13 guernsey around town like she wore his No.22 as a kid. But quick as a flash she also reminded herself of her need to make closure with Rio. “I’ll get there,” she said. We hope so.

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