#boy was having a crisis and even he was like “wait a fucking second Ben's wildly out of character”

[big1ron]

YEAH MODERN BEN, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

[winderlylandchime]

Hello. We are now officially in the cheating phase. And a lot happened over few days: 1/2 2x18: ‘oh look, Blondie is back..are we finally done with the dramatics? Brian..i mean it’s not like this isn’t a new thing but damn this isn’t gonna help, is it? Boys, come on just kiss and make up.’ He just sighed and flopped back on the couch because Ben and Mikey came up but he is a little worried about Ben. ‘YOU HOPED HE WOULD SURPRISE YOU BUT YOU DIDNT EVEN TELL HIM YOURE GOING?! JUSTIN COME ON COMMON SENSE!!! Daphne knock some sense into him! WHY IS THERE VIOLIN MUSIC WHY?!?! NO NO NO NO NOOOO. GET FUCKED MY DUDE! Justin come on!! This is pure bullshit, wipe that fucking smile off your face, this shit isn’t even impressive, blah blah blah blah how do you not puke when you say these things’ Ethan says his “pretty good, I’m a genius” line to which my brother scoffed and went ‘my man, your IQ wouldn’t even register as an earthquake so humble yourself..oh they’ve been telling you that since you were 6? WELL GET FUCKED because I am here to deliver some news for you, you ain’t shit!’ He just paused the tv and is hysterically laughing ‘First off my man, back the fuck up, nobody needs to feel your breath while you talk and second of all *in a mocking voice* it comes through you? Justin come the fuck on, you can’t seriously fall for this bullshit. (Ethan points to the garbage truck) oh look, your ride is here, now hop on and fuck off.’ He is currently livid about George and Emmett but he is also angry at Ethan and he can’t decide which one to focus on. ‘Ben, no offense but I don’t have the time for you. I gotta knock some sense into Justin…He has a tummy ach- oh there goes Ben, fuck!’ ‘HE MADE HIM CARRY A GARBAGE COUCH TO THE TOP FLOOR? Justin, push him down the stairs. Where the fuck is Brian because i am sick of this shit. Justin, i know a way cooler place..one that doesn’t have a couch infested by bugs..i hate his accent when he pronounces fancy shit. Like we get it dude you jerk off to your violin, NOW GET OFF MY TV!..Justin stop talking shit about Brian. This isn’t cute, he NEVER speaks badly about you. That’s right fucker! They LIVE TOGETHER!…oh this goatee fucker is jealous of Brian’s job and loft and everything else. Good. Eat shit. *mocks Ethan again* how about you practice practice practice fucking off because I’m tired tired tired *pauses the tv and looks at me* just so you know, i wanted to tell him to jump off a bridge but decided not to cause that might be a bit much for now. NO JUSTIN YOU WILL NOT SEE HIM AROUND BECAUSE WE HAVE RULES AND BRIAN AND RULES THAT YOU MADE. Did he invite Brian to that art thingy? He better! I need Brian to see him and laugh in his face!’ ‘AHHH BRIAN AND JUSTIN! Justin, baby, clearly his work is stressful right now and you can tell. Stop being insulted cause your grown man with a job has a job to worry about. Also your day was full of that fucker so maybe shush! Justin…did you think about Brian when you were carrying that ugly couch? *another pause* What’s with the moping? I get that he was sad cause of Vermont which btw, he acted dumb on that one so that is fully his own fault. But this *waves his hand at Justin on tv* is bullshit. I raised you better than that. OH I WONDER WHY YOUR TRIP WASNT FUN WITHOUT HIM? You are so dumb, i love you so much Blondie but you’re so dumb. SO YOU DIDNT THINK HED CARE THAT YOU LEFT BUT YOU TOLD DAPHNE THAT YOU WAITED FOR HIM?! HOW ABOUT TALKING? You are running in circles and I am LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. Of course he missed you, stop being a little bitch. OH DAMN..WHILE THEY STAND?! OH COME ON BEN WHAT A FUCKING COCKBLOCK’ He now paused the tv and went outside for a cigarette. This man is about to hit midlife crisis and we aren’t even 20 minutes in. ‘Okay Michael, what are we measuring here? Everyone needs someone. Oh look its the art thingy!! Where is Brian? OH FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?! I take it back, go jump off a bridge IM EXHAUSTED-Daphne, my girl! Please, I am begging you, please don’t like him! Pleaseeeee!’

Oh dear sweet anon, we're really in it now. Thoughts and prayers to you and your brother.

(Ethan points to the garbage truck) oh look, your ride is here, now hop on and fuck off. HA! Your brother is right.

how about you practice practice practice fucking off because I’m tired tired tired *pauses the tv and looks at me* just so you know, i wanted to tell him to jump off a bridge but decided not to cause that might be a bit much for now I LOVE how careful your brother is with his insults.

HOW ABOUT TALKING? <- every fan of this show ever

Oh boy oh boy. I know it only goes downhill from here...

[discotreque]

LwD 2.05: An Embarrassment of Dooplers

So I was a little nervous about this one! I hadn’t heard any spoiler-spoilers, but screeners have been out for weeks now, and I’d heard a bunch of individual, vague, non-spoilery hints about (1) big character moments, on the scale of a mid-season finale even though the show’s not taking a mid-season break; and (2) an ending that would make me cry.

I guess I imagined something relatively serious and dramatic, like “No Small Parts”? This show makes me cackle with laughter and giggle with nerdy glee and “d’awww!” at heartwarming friendships every week, but it’s only ever made me cry once—and then I was impressed that they were going to get there from the wacky hijinks we saw in the brief teaser.

The lack of a cold open made me apprehensive too—in my experience, that’s typically a sign that there’s so much plot in the rest of the episode that they need that extra scene—but after ~21.5 minutes of aforementioned hijinks, I was having so much fun that I’d completely forgotten about the alleged tear-jerker at the end…

…and they were not the tears I was expecting.

I didn’t think I’d be smiling and crying!!!! That was wholesome as SHIT!!!!!

I almost can’t believe they earned that—but they totally did.

After a Mariner–Tendi episode and a Boimler–Rutherford episode, we’re back to the “usual” Season 1 pairings… except the relationships between these characters have changed since Season 1. Mariner still feels thwacked in the abandonment issues by Boimler bailing for the Titan, and Rutherford’s having a tiny little existential crisis about losing an entire year of his life.

Both of which are extremely understandable and very heavy situations—and both of those situations get resolved because everyone in them is vulnerable with each other and honest about their feelings—AND that honesty and vulnerability brings both pairs of friends closer together. Are you kidding me?? I would watch SEVENTY seasons of that shit. Put it in my veins.

Onto the notes:

So basically Dooplers are Tribbles, but for cringe comedy instead of slapstick? Ohhhhh boy.

Look at Ransom the diplomat, tossing his own fork on the floor! I like that he’s actually a pretty competent Starfleet officer, despite also being a completely ridiculous person.

Wait a second, is that—OH HOLY SHIT, THE DOOPLERS ARE VOICED BY RICHARD KIND.

It makes sense that B. Boimler would find William annoying—who likes seeing their own flaws reflected back at them? And who could be a better reflection of one’s flaws than one’s literal duplicate?—but most interesting to me is that it implies on some level, Bradward knows the stick up his butt is a flaw. (Does William?)

Why does the Cerritos model have working phasers?!?!

I’m loving hot pink as the currently en-vogue colour for “dangerous sci-fi energy” in animation (cf. almost every previous episode of this show; Into the Spider-Verse; other stuff I can’t remember right now). As a former child of the 80’s, I’m living for it… but as a former teenager of the 90’s, I can’t help but wonder if it’s going to age as poorly as the harsh neon green of The Matrix, every Borg appearance on Voyager, and like 80% of the websites I made in high school…

SKANTS! SKANTS! SKANTS!

That fake-out joke with the fly-by over the Cerritos model was in the season trailer weeks ago, and I was so enthralled by that handsome lady that the sticker coming into frame still got me good 😂😂😂

BECKY Mariner????? omg yes

Some top-quality Boimler screams in this one. Poor Jack Quaid must drink gallons of throat-coat tea when he records.

One of the great things about Star Trek to me is that you never know what you’re going to get from any random episode. A murder mystery? A road trip? A spooky thriller? A cheesy romance? Broad comedy? Body horror? Didactic political screeds shrouded in tissue-thin science-fiction metaphors? Brain and brain, what is brain??? And after this many years of watching, you’d think I’d be hard to surprise. But if I ever told you I thought I’d see a Blues Brothers–style car chase through a frickin’ shopping mall on an episode of Star Trek, I would have been straight-up lying to you. I loved it, it worked for me, my jaw was on the floor and I was clapping with joy—but I’m definitely comfortable calling this one “unexpected.”

It’s CAPTAIN SHELBY!!! And an ancient babydyke crush rose from the depths of my childhood subconscious… (Also I think her Number One is based on the original makeup—eventually deemed too complicated—for Saru? Now that’s a deep cut.)

In 20th-century Trek, you almost never got to see what was going on inside a starship from the outside. Even after they switched from physical models (where it was next to impossible on a single episode’s budget) to CGI (which was still in its infancy, still not exactly cheap, and still broadcast in SD anyway), it was a rare thrill to see any meaningful interior details in an exterior shot. Disco’s modern VFX have given us some tasty, tasty treats in that department, but nothing quite as sublime as all the pink Doopler light glittering through the Cerritos’s windows.

Mariner says she’ll take her contact Malvus down with her, and threatens that they’ll end up “in the same cell.” Malvus is a Mizarian, a species introduced in TNG’s “Allegiance,” in which Captain Picard is held in a mysterious prison with one. I think I see what you did there, McMahan?

Bartender… so hot… lesbian circuits… overloading…

The Tendi and Rutherford C-story was, well, a C-story within a 22-minute episode, so there wasn’t much to it, but the one scene that mattered actually mattered a lot. I’m ambivalent on whether they should end up romantically involved—I’d prefer they don’t, but they’ll be one of the cutest couples in Trek history if they do—and as long as they keep that pure, sweet friendship between them at the heart of whatever else happens, I’m on board.

Carol Freeman was already one of my favourite captains before this season, and she’s been steadily moving up the list. The quiet throughline about her ambition to be on a better ship has been fascinating so far, and it’s starting to actually make me feel a little conflicted: I’m of course rooting for Captain Freeman to recognize her worth, make Starfleet recognize her worth, and become the ass-kicking captain of a hero ship that she’s clearly ready to be—but that almost surely means she’d be kicking ass off-screen, because LwD isn’t about those kind of adventures, and I’d be devastated not to have Dawnn Lewis on the show every week. So I’m kind of on the edge of my seat about this one!

I had so many favourite jokes this week I put them in a separate list:

“Even the replicated water on the Titan tasted better” is a low-key brilliant dunk on people who can’t shut the fuck up about the cooler places they used to live.

“Ooooh, they have a Quark’s now! That used to just be an empty lot where teens would make mistakes!” ← That’s literally me every time I go back to where I grew up. I felt so Seen™ I almost hid under a blanket.

“I would never go down the stairs!” (evil grin) (goes up the stairs)

The “well, shit” expressions from Mariner and Boimler as their crashed car sank right into the water… which started to bubble innocuously… and then the bottles of Data bubble-bath popped up, paying off a joke I thought had already been paid off—that was the one that woke up my poor cat this week. Just exquisite timing.

“YOUR PAGH IS WEAK, AND IT DISGUSTS ME!” “I don’t even know what that is, but I don’t like your tone!”

“Okona’s in there? He’s not even Starfleet! This is outrageous!” made me shout “NO!” at the screen like I was scolding my cat for scratching furniture. (She did not wake up that time.)

Best background joke: the neon sign at the dive bar advertising FREE SHOTS & BEERS. (Get it? Because they’re on a Federation starbase? Where nobody uses money?)

And of course Quark merchandised DS9.

This wasn’t just a standout episode of Lower Decks, this was a brilliant episode of Star Trek, period. The Dooplers, though extremely silly, are nevertheless also a clever sci-fi metaphor for real and relatable personal/interpersonal issues, and an effective plot catalyst for meaningful character growth from all four of our ensigns and the captain.

The jokes were hilarious, the action was kinetic, the A-, B-, and C-plots linked up thematically, the visuals were consistently and thoroughly gorgeous, the character beats—between Mariner and Boimler, Tendi and Rutherford, Mariner and Capt. Freeman—were all genuine, heartfelt and wholesome, and the references to other Trek canon were both deep and deeply affectionate.

Only 15 episodes in, and this series knows exactly what it is, exactly what it wants to do, and knows that it can knock our socks off doing it. Mike McMahan has said in recent interviews that the back half of S2 (and the apparently almost-fully-written S3) is a straight line uphill in quality from here—which surprised me at first, because McMahan seems like a pretty chill dude who doesn’t normally brag about his own work like that.

But then the Prophets sent me a vision of my space dad Ben Sisko, who reminded me of the words of 1930’s baseball player Dizzy Dean:

“If you can do it, it ain’t bragging.”

[Thanks to cygnus-x1.net for the screenshots this week—I was too lazy to do my own.]

[skinks]

I would just like to say Bongo Smugglers killed me. I’m sitting in class giggling thinking about a Losers movie night where they have a dramatic showing of the movie. Audra and Richie are less embarrassed then they should be. It becomes an annual tradition to play a bongo smugglers™️ drinking game at Christmas.

AHH this is amazing, I just shoved two words together that I thought were funny and suddenly it’s this whole ugly 2002 sex comedy fully formed in my head. Glad it killed you during class. And yeah, they’re definitely not embarrassed, everyone’s heckling the writing and the early 2000s fashion more than anything else anyway.

Richie happily provides commentary the whole way through even though he’s only in the sex scene, waving his tortilla chip in Eddie’s face because he’s got his arm around his shoulder, hugging him close into Richie’s side. Eddie keeps snapping bites at it so often that Richie just ends up hand feeding him chips.

“Aaaaaaand... that’s the first time I touched a boob, right there!“

“Glad to help,” Audra winks.

“The exact moment I realized I was totally lying to myself. I’m having an entire existential sexuality crisis right there on camera, but can you tell? Does my fratty façade crack an inch?”

“I could tell, because you spent fifteen minutes before the scene pacing around set and chanting you can do this, you can do this, don’t throw up, you like girls, but not too much, because you don’t get paid if you pop a boner, c’mon Richard, c’mon—”

“Like I said,” Richie shouts, over all his stupid friends laughing at him, “no one can tell, ‘cus I’m a pro—”

“You call yourself Richard during pep talks?” Stan’s grinning at him sharp-beaked, like a vulture. Has Richie seen him blink even once since he came back from the dead? Not sure, not sure, make note to ask Patty to spy.

Onscreen Audra is shimmying down her low-rise stone-wash boot-cut jeans, boots with the fur, the whole club was in fact lookin’ at her. What the fuck was anyone thinking back then? Richie privately blames the Bush administration, and continues.

“You’re a great scene partner, Audra-my-deah, and I respect you for cougaring not one but two of our little balding Brady Bunch here, but you were kinda the reason I figured out I’m gay. Like, big time gay. Well, the second reason.” He rubs tortilla-salt fingers through Eddie’s hair and feels his stomach go fuzzy when Eddie kinda thrums out a low noise against him. Oh, he’s purring. Some deep down part of Richie’s caveman psyche, lodged right in the hungry reptilian nub of his central brain wants to bear-hug Eddie to a pulp, wants to Lenny him like a mouse until they both stop breathing at the same exact moment from the pressure.

Yeesh, dark!

He smooches one of Eddie’s Easter Island eyebrows instead, keeps his lips mushed there. Smooches again. “Biiiiiiig time.”

“My wife,” Bill whips around from his seat on the floor at Richie’s feet, cheeks bulging with wontons, “my wife did not cougar me.”

Eddie shushes him. Everyone else is exchanging Looks, including Audra, because she totally did cougar Bill. Good for her!

“My wife,” Richie mimics, all sing-song and bugling. “Who the fuck are you, Borat?” Eddie snorts, hard. “Turn around and watch me make sweet love to ya woman, Bill.”

Onscreen Richie is struggling out of a giant hockey jersey at the sight of Onscreen Audra’s nubile charms. Everything is lit terribly, to a Smash Mouth deep cut.

“Oh man, check out that figure.” Richie whistles at himself, twenty-six years old with muscles like long ropes. “These were the pre-gut days. Even though my diet was just Adderall and instant ramen.”

“I like your gut,” Eddie murmurs, squidging at it with the hand not shoved up the back of Richie’s shirt. He’s already looking pretty tipsy, because he told everyone loudly and at length that he’d have to be what he deemed, shithouse drunk, to cope with whatever 90 minute dick jokeathon he was about to endure for the sake of two minutes of Richie-ass. “You’re hotter than him.”

Richie preens. “I am him, dude.”

Eddie’s hand lands clumsy on his cheek, pulling Richie’s attention away from his own foregrounded bare ass and Onscreen Audra’s shocked expression, to face him. Eddie’s all unfocused, flushed in the cheeks. “You’re both hot. Him and you, I’d fuck you both. I’d let both of you fuck me at once.”

“Um,” says Ben. Mike keeps slorping up noodles, but his eyes are saucering at Bill’s giant TV.

“Hhohkaaay,” Richie breathes.

“Is this when you saw it, Audra?” Bev asks. She waggles her eyebrows at them from the muscular nook of Ben’s arms. “The famous Tower of Tozier? You mentioned in the group chat.”

“What group chat,” Richie croaks, wrenching his eyes from the sight of Eddie’s slick tongue pulsing gently against his lower lip, hanging open like he wants Richie to see inside his mouth. Yowza-yowza-yowza, this is so much better than movie-nights back in the 90s. “I never saw anything about that? And I monitor you all on WhatsApp twenty-four-sevs. I literally have nothing better to do while Eddie’s working.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Beverly dismisses him with a flick of her wrist.

Audra is nodding vigorously while Onscreen Audra tilts her head comically far to the right. “That’s when I saw it,” she says. “They couldn’t find a modesty sock that fit you, Richie, remember? I didn’t have to fake that reaction. And that’s with them blasting the A/C on high so my nips would poke through my shirt.” She nudges Eddie’s shin gently and stage-whispers, “Well done.”

Eddie growls hot miso breath into Richie’s neck. Snarls, really. That’s the only word for it. Richie’s not embarrassed—he’s been telling people about his donkey schlong for years, not his fault nobody ever believes him. It’s a boy who cried wolf situation, perhaps, if the boy was actually telling the truth every time and just wanted to brag to everyone about seeing a really big, thick wolf.

“Honey,” Bill says, visibly distressed, “this is already weird enough for me, please don’t say nips.”

“Nips, nips, nips.” Audra tickles into Bill’s ribs, and Richie joins in the chant, they all do. It’s a hailstorm of sesame toast raining on Big Bill’s protesting head. “Stiff nips! Stiff nips!”

“Shut up, I’m, uh’wanna see Rich fuck!” Eddie roars, wrestling the couch cushions for the remote and stabbing the volume obscenely loud.

Moans fill the air. Rice sprays from Mike’s mouth, between his hasty fingers. Patty is laughing so hard into Stan’s shoulder Richie would be kinda worried about her, if he wasn’t so distracted by the way Eddie’s leaning forward, hand on Richie’s thigh and eyes locked to Onscreen Richie’s bare bucking hips. He remembers this part horrible and clear, preserved behind glass in his mind like the embarrassing ninth grade school photo his mom still won’t remove from the mantelpiece. Braces like train tracks and his eyes squinted up small and moleish because his mom said she wanted to see his handsome face without his glasses for once. Eddie laughed at it for five whole minutes the first time Richie brought him up to visit mom and dad as his—as his, at last, before snapping a careful picture of the photo with his phone and muttering, so cute.

It’s the noises.

“This was the day I learned women really can, uh, fake orgasms,” Richie says. He coughs. Eddie’s fingers tighten on his thigh and he looks back at Richie over his shoulder, eyes all drunk and dark and dilated like a shark’s to the backdrop of Onscreen Richie and Audra’s plastic din. Richie’s head thumps dizzily, sliding his hand secret under Eddie’s shirt to the damp small of his back, watching his neck go pink. This, now this is familiar from 90s movie nights, how sweaty they’d get, tangled together like pocketed earbuds the longer the VHS spun. Always on the same couch by unspoken agreement, kicking and left to do so by the others, like the clubhouse hammock flirting was more RichieandEddie status quo than behaviour tethered to any one location. Feeling your heartbeat in your ears and everywhere your limbs are shoved between another sapling boy-body, and the couch.

Richie can see exactly what Eddie’s thinking, in that darkness. That’s not how you sound in bed with me.

“This is revolting,” says Stan, mildly, but Richie holds up his hand like a stop sign, pulled roughly back to the present.

“Wait, wait, here comes my line!”

“Thought you said it was a non-speaking—���

The camera cuts from Onscreen Audra’s bouncing breasts to Onscreen Richie’s slack-jawed face, his ill-conceived soul patch. He was asked to remove his glasses for the scene, he remembers, and was glad of it, feeling useless and young and stupid and exposed enough already just by virtue of needing the money, he didn’t need to see this perfectly nice and reasonable actress pity him for not even knowing how to pretend at being with a woman. Onscreen Richie tilts his chin up, and Bill’s entire rec room holds its breath. There will be bruises on Richie’s thigh tomorrow.

A grunt, a groan. An unsubtle trumpet fanfare musical cue on the soundtrack, but hey, neither of them ever claimed Bongo Smugglers was a masterpiece. “¡Ay, chihuahua!”

Richie throws his arms up in triumph. “All my own improv, folks! And they kept it in the final cut!”

Eruption. He’s pelted with howls of disgust and prawn crackers. Eddie grabs one of his arms and just shakes him, ragdolls Richie’s laughing body around until he tips over and sprawls into Eddie’s lap, shielded from assault. Eddie chews his insistent teeth into Richie’s shoulder, and finally, the scene ends with Onscreen Richie leaping a naked escape from Onscreen Audra’s balcony.

“Worst,” Eddie mumbles against Richie’s nape. “Worst thing’ve ever seening m’life.”

He’s so drunk, sweet thing. Richie sits back up, still wheezing. He rests his cheek on Eddie’s shoulder and gazes starrily up at his plastered little face. Steel-cut jaw softened with laughter and stubble, un-gelled hair curling around like a chestnut lamb’s. “Worst ever-ever?”

“No,” Eddie says plainly, and that’s true, “but it’s up there. Woulda rented the shit out of this at Blockbuster.”

Richie flings his leg over Eddie’s knees, kicking Bill in the process. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees, gathering up all Richie’s loose ends in a big circling cuddle. “Every week. Woulda worn it out. Broke the disc.”

“Got your ‘Lil ‘Busters membership card revoked for being a creep.”

“Worth it.”

“Aw, Eddie-baby.”

“Would you two stop, you’re making the rest of us look bad,” Bev says, smiling fondly. The movie’s moved on, and none of them are really paying attention now that the main event’s over, but everyone’s still coming down, dismounting from belly-laughter and landing ankle-deep in giggles. “That was inspired.”

“He made me laugh so hard on that take,” Audra sighs, leaning against Bill. “I remember thinking, shame he’s a closet-case. I always knew you were a good guy under all that fake stand-up.” She rolls her head back on her neck to look at Richie, upside down. “D’you remember right after, too?”

“Ah,” says Richie, tensing up. Eddie must feel it, because he makes a lowing noise of concern and turns the volume down.

“What you did to those guys?”

“Ahaha, uh.” Richie struggles to sit upright with hot embarrassment tugging at his stomach. “They don’t need to—Audra, it’s not, anyone would’ve done the same—”

“No, actually, you were the only one who ever did,” Audra says, sharp-eyed, and Richie remembers that too. How much surer and in control of herself she was than him, even back then, when they were both just simple bottom-feeders on L.A.’s sludgy floor.

“What happened?” Patty asks. They’re all looking. Richie stares at the wall beside the TV’s garish over-saturation, scratches at the back of his neck, until Eddie takes his hand softly back to hold in his.

“I was pretty much always the only woman on set,” Audra explains. “Par for the course on a movie like that, it was whatever. It’s nothing like real sex, obviously, you have to stop and wait for lighting changes, new set-ups and stuff, you’re surrounded by crew. But you’re the only ones naked, and pretending to fuck, right? It can be a little.” She pulls a face, tilts her palm back and forth. “Degrading.”

Richie snorts, humorlessly.

“Anyway, that scene wrapped and they called cut, and a few of the guys in the crew said some stuff. About me. The director ignored it, the producer ignored it. I was used to it,” Audra says. Richie can see the edge of Bill’s jaw clench and re-clench like a fist as he watches his wife speak. Audra smiles widely, then, and jerks a thumb at Richie. “But this guy?”

They’re grinning, they’re all grinning, because they know him. Richie squirms under it. He can feel blood pounding behind his ears, across the surface of his scalp in pulsing waves of embarrassed heat, because it’s one thing to spend your life running your big fat Trashmouth to distract the bullies’ attention onto you, but it’s another for people to treat you like some kinda hero for it. Like it’s not just something friends do.

Bev’s eyes go all emerald-shiny with delight, like the quarry in sunlight. She covers her mouth. “Oh, Richie.”

“Knocked the first one out cold,” Audra crows. “You tried your best after that. It was three against one and he had a black eye before the rest of us could separate them, but he had the element of surprise at first. I mean, he flew at them, if you can imagine it—you’re what, six-one, six-two?”

Eddie’s trembling ever-so-slightly against him. Richie screws his eyes shut. “Six-two.”

“No wonder the asshole shit himself, you came at him all six-foot-two naked inches, pissed as hell, with a massive—”

“Alright!” Richie yelps, because if there’s anything more embarrassing than his brief Bongo Smugglers cameo, it’s the fact that he left set that day with a black eye and no money. Who cares. His closest friends are alive and they’re cheering, and Eddie is shoving himself into Richie’s lap just like it’s movie night in 1991 but with 100% more enthusiastic frenching, seating his drunk ass in Richie’s startled hands and hissing god, you’re such a crazy dumbass, I love you so much, Richie, even back then with that soul-patch I’d have loved you so much, god, sexy, Rich, wanna see you with a black eye, can I give you one, can you give me one, Richie, I’m gonna fuck you so good for this later, ay chihuahua—!

[kariachi]

Okay y’all, it’s the big day. The latest of the Ben 10 movies, after which I will be fully caught up on the franchise and can unblacklist it finally because two days is too damn much already.

I’m going in with, pretty much no info? I’ve watched one trailer, don’t even know if there’s more, and gotten hints of spoilers. Enough to worry for my son but not enough to actually know anything. Which, given Kevin is about all I care about, tells you some of how I feel going into this. Am crossing my fingers and hoping this ends with him in a really good space and having nothing to do with Phil because I have been worrying about that since I learned he would be in this.

Don’t trust that man as far as my piddly arms could throw him and anyway I don’t want Kevin anywhere near any part of the Forever Dipshit unless he’s actively dismantling the fucker. Asshole deserves to get turned into a toaster. Haven’t heard any ‘oh your reaction is going to be fun’ sort’ve stuff from anybody, so fingers crossed.

But, we can’t know anything until we get into it, so, Ben 10 Versus The Universe.

An hour 12 minutes, yeah it looks like my initial estimate might be accurate. I will be here the entire damn day.

Ooo, it’s own intro, very nice.

Okay, 1) like that intro, very much in the style of the other series and I like that about it. 2) Spent it wondering if they were going to include Kevin in the rogue’s gallery runthrough and instead it literally ends with the Tennysons and Kevin in the Rustbucket, Kevin being his normal little shit self.

Maybe watching this when I was on the rag was a bad idea because y’all I am already in tears he’s enjoying himself so much. My precious son. Gods I love him.

Can I just sit on this frame for an hour, would that count? Can fill the time with telling you how much I love my son.

Ben 10 Versus The Universe: The Movie (The Game: The Gameshow: The TV Series)

They brought in fucking everybody for this. Kelly is at the bottom of the list but I am putting my trust in her. Seriously y’all I am so happy with her work on this show, I knew the reboot was going to be good as soon as I learned she was going to be working on it, she is a delight.

Okay, actual show, apparently we’re starting at what looks like a small base. I don’t know for what. it looks like they want me to think it’s military but also yeah no. The pool is throwing me off the most, I think. I mean wtf?

Oh look, Smythe shit. A steam-powered airship-zeppelin. And Ben as Heatblast handling the situation, as one does.

Ben is so tired. He needs a vacation from this vacation so damn bad. Somebody else handle the villains so he can get like, two weeks to actually relax.

Ah, it’s an industrial server farm. I don’t know enough about those or if it’s even a thing to give an opinion. Smythe wants it gone though, to the shock of nobody.

He wasn’t to wipe out telecommunications so we’re left with telephones as our most advanced mode of conversation.

Ben, meanwhile, is asleep. Can’t blame him.

Ben is bored. This shit is like clockwork, he could probably save the day in his sleep at this point. Especially from Smythe.

“I’m not even breaking a sweat, and I’m on fire!”

Ben saves the day, hardly even has to try (pretty much doesn’t) and in the end even Smythe has to agree this is getting repetitive.

Huh, Max and Gwen were in the doom-ball.

Max and Gwen are not impressed with Ben having been bored while they were under the threat of danger. Ben has the very valid point that they really weren’t at any risk, even if they were in a mine.

Max, while talking about staying ready for the unexpected, gets a phonecall.

Ben: “Bet you anything it’s Phil. He’s got some big emergency and we’ve gotta go somewhere and look at something.” Gwen: “You don’t have to be so smug. Not everything is a dire situation.” Max: “It’s Phil, we gotta go to his lab and look at something. He says it’s pretty dire.” Ben: “Like clockwork.”

Honestly I’d be bored too. This is why they needed to add Argit, something to mix things up, change up the style.

Unfortunately I didn’t get any ‘your reaction is gonna be so fun’ messages so I don’t think we’re getting Argit. But hopefully, given space and Kevin are involved, we will receive an opening for later Argitness.

Hello Phil. I still don’t trust you. You have been nothing but vaguely suspicious shit on top of vaguely suspicious shit every since the season 1 finale and with your history in the other series? Where you were a dipshit from the word go? I wouldn’t leave you alone with a beanbag chair.

Ben, not taking shit seriously, Gwen unimpressed, Phil stating that actually it may be the end of the world. Honestly fuck it save the children let it die. The reboot sequels can be Ben, Gwen, and Kevin traveling the galaxy trying to, ya know, survive and shit. They gather an Argit on the way who honestly is amazed these three didn’t die within a day and half. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that!

Do you even have a bedroom or anything, Phil, or is that building just all lab? Do you pull a Kevin and sleep on your tech?

I don’t trust this giant-computer room. It’s giving me FD vibes.

Anyway yadda yadda object heading straight for Earth, we continue

Ben is so excited to have something new going on

Phil thinks this is a massive meteorite. I’m going to guess warship because I’m fairly certain I remember Incurseans being involved somewhere and honestly.

Oh Ben

I’m like 3.5 minutes in

Ben: If I turn into Cannonbolt you guys can launch be at the meteor and the impact would make it go kablooey Gwen: You and the meteor would ricochet off each other sending you into deep space with no way back Ben: I’d never have homework again Gwen: Ben please

“After months of analyzing your Omnitrix-” I swear this show’s relationship with time will drive me to drink

Phil, do you really think you have time to try to properly prep the child for space? I mean you’ve got over an hour of movie but in-universe

...Phil, why do you have a g-force simulator? And where the fuck are you fitting it?

Okay, seriously, I am concerned at this point by the shit he has on hand. Also why are they focusing on FourArms, mix it up, there’s nine other aliens available

You guys realize you don’t have much choice but to send him anyway? I mean unless you intend to hunt down Kevin and sacrifice him instead which, honestly would be in line with his adult interactions so far and honestly space was good for him in the sequels so maybe it’ll be good for him here.

Ben is so excited and Gwen is so done.

Upgrades to the armor shit have been unlocked.

Problem being, the new armor makes Jetray look, very humanoid. I am not impressed.

Gotta hand it though, Boy can get some speed now. Holy crap. Hate to see XLR8 upgraded.

“We’ve only got one shot at this” Ben’s moving fast enough I think you’ve got a solid three or four

Gwen, Gwen are you having an existential crisis? He’s passed the moon, he’s not coming back down anytime soon.

Ben please

And Ben lost that game of chicken with the meteor, having swerved away at the last moment, presumably because the Omnitrix has the whole ‘you are not dying you fucker’ thing going on

And Ben has been flown right into a fucking vortex of some variety or another. Welp.

Thirty seconds until the meteor hits, nobody knows where Ben vanished too, Phil is resigned, Max is blank, and Gwen looks fucking haunted. Poor kid does not deserve this. She needs a vacation from this vacation too

Oh Gwen, baby

Welp, everyone is fairly certain Ben is dead. Good news is, you won’t outlast him by long the meteor should take out earth in about four seconds

Motherfuck- If you are going to just vanish can you not wait until one second before you’re supposed to hit a planet?!?! Fucking rude!!

Motherfucking Vilgax! I should’ve known! Only you would be so rude! Also how much shit was your little ramshackle pod encased in that it was mistaken for the largest meteor seen?

So, Vilgax is here on Earth and our only defense is Max, Gwen, and presumably Kevin. Either Kevin is going to tap into some pre-reboot murder instincts or shit is about to get bad.

Ben has been carried through the wormhole to, Kinet? I think that’s Kinet, give me a second- No! No it’s Petropia! Listen it’s been a while let me live. Why drop Ben here? wtf is going on?

Swimming through space because your ultra jetboots stopped working

Somebody is watching this child. Who? We know not.

Ben: *times out* Omnitrix: Fuck no *builds spacesuit*

Ben, worried he failed and doomed Earth. It’s okay, it was just Vilgax. Once you find your way back home it’ll all be good.

Sudden spaceship. Also is space just, purple? Is that what’s going on here?

Oh look, Incurseans. Hi.

Omnitrix takes a while to register an alien language and start translating, which makes sense that it would take a little bit for a translator like that to kick in, the tech trying to figure out what language is being spoken. Don’t think I’ve seen that before in a work, very nice. Also the language is literally Incursean so, that’s nice to know. Handy for someone like me.

...Ben is being arrested by the Incurseans for multiple violent crimes perpetrated across the universe. Did not expect that from them.

Also Azmuth, please explain to me what precisely you did with this watch before you threw it at Earth?

...How you could mistake Ben for Vilgax I do not know, but it’s nice to know it wasn’t Azmuth causing wanton destruction and chaos? I guess? This certainly explains how the bastard knew how the Omnitrix worked.

Takes Ben ten seconds of being amazed at and in love with the Omnitrix to register that they think he’s Vilgax.

The Incurseans know about Earth. I’m not sure if that’s a good, bad, or neutral thin in the reboot. The whole ‘arresting a fucker for crimes against the universe’ thing has thrown me off.

Ben plays along for a chance to escape, meanwhile you know Kevin would’ve snapped and argued and fought until they had to admit he couldn’t be Vilgax because Vilgax wouldn’t lower himself to biting.

(I mean it, look at that child and tell me he doesn’t bite)

Well, Ben almost escaped. Too bad Incurseans have those long-ass tongues

Humongasaur fighting an endless swarm of frogs

Ben just is having a day. Honestly it’s lucky Earth’s not going to get wrecked by a meteorite because otherwise he’d be fucked.

Team Tennysons is trying to track Ben down on Earth. Apparently Phil has found the Omnitrix’s signal and they’re tracking that. Three guesses who they’re about to find and the first two don’t count.

Phil: He crashed from space so he might be- Tennysons: Finish that sentence and die

Yeah, the red flashing doesn’t clue them in or anything

And the energy signature looks different. Gwen, darling, you are experienced enough to know exactly who you’re about to find in a cave in the middle of nowhere in the desert (because of-fucking-course, my goddamn disaster)

How is the red flashing not cluing you in? Ben is green, Kevin is red, and together they make one whole Christmas.

Kevin hauling ass, presumably either because something is wrong with his watch (my poor son) or because the Tennysons calling him Ben is freaking him out (my poor son) or both (my poor song)

Okay, Gwen, the tone wasn’t awful but still, was not nessecary to put that emphasis on ‘Kevin’ after the ‘it was just’. Alongside the almost aggravated look when you finally put the pieces together and realized it was him? I know you’re worried for Ben but come on. You hunted him down, he is innocent in everything.

Also can we talk about, something is clearly wrong? I guessed something was wrong with the watch, I think I was right- Kevin was groaning after timing out, holding his head, it’s not normal.

The first thing my son says is telling the Tennysons to get lost (quote “You heard him, hit the road” after Phil tells them to call him when they go back to their search), which isn’t surprising given the look on his face after Gwen’s ‘it was just Kevin’. Something is wrong and now he’s upset on top of that because, well, we know him and how he feels about not being appreciated.

Also holy shit the framing, with Kevin on top of a tall rock in an empty cave, with his back to the Tennysons, making up just a small part of the shot. Really emphasizing just how alone he is.

(Dear reboot give him his rat and prison-dad for fuck’s sake)

(Nobody sent me any ‘your response is gonna be fun’ messages, so I’m assuming I don’t get Kwarrel either, damnit. I can only hope for openings for later Kwarrel in the franchise)

Oh. Oh my son. Oh something has gone very wrong and he is shifting uncontrollably. He has isolated himself so nobody sees him like this. My baby. My precious little perfect child

Notice that he is shifting uncontrollably and he has still not taken off the watch, which would be the obvious answer to the dilemma. So why? Was he too busy freaking out to think of it? Or does on or off not matter anymore?

Tennysons: Why don’t you come along and let us help you? Kevin: Fuck you and your talking car too

“I built this. I should be able to control it.” Oh Kevin...

“And that’s amazing!” And Kevin has no fucking response (except to be a crushing wreck but, I’m deducting the half point and moving on). Praise? For his work? Is that legal?

My son. My heart.

“I didn’t do it all on my own. There was kinda this weird dream.” Said while he’s making his way down to the Tennysons because in the end all he needs is for someone to call him amazing, give him praise, notice him, appreciate him, acknowledge his worth.

The Tennysons recommend letting Phil help because he helped Ben and Kevin’s response is, quote “I’m. Not. Ben! And this isn’t the Omnitrix, it’s the Antitrix*.”

*First time Kevin’s watch has been referred to by that name in the show. Prior to this it was always called a watch or an Omnitrix.

There is so much fucking going on in Kevin tell me we’re learning some of it here I’m begging, give me the inner workings of my son

...pause a second, I don’t wanna look it up because I’m worried about spoilers, but does Kevin’s watch look different? The strap system is different, I’d swear it. Or maybe I’m wrong, it’s been a few days since a Kev episode...

Kevin pointing out that he’s not a Tennyson, denying ever doing anything to help them, wondering what their deal is, claiming they should hate him (my fucking son! someone get this child a dad and a rat, a blanket, some cocoa, and some fucking love and affection!)

By the way, I’m almost 20 minutes in and it’s been over two hours. Kevin is here now, things are probably gonna start going slower.

The Tennysons letting Kevin know they don’t hate him. Max straight up saying he doesn’t seem like a bad kid, just a lost one. Which honestly is very true, he is a good child he just doesn’t really... he’s a mess and there is so much in him and so much of it sour and just- He needs love. Proper, healthy love and guidance by someone who’ll look out for him, put his needs first. It’s why I want Kwarrel back- he, Gar, and reboot!Max have treated Kevin the best, been the most healthy adult interactions he’s had, through the franchise. Kwarrel could be the adult figure he needs in his life, but he got the one episode and nothing and just- I just want the best for Kevin.

“If you trust us, we’ll trust you.” And then Kevin agreeing to come along as long as his watch gets fixed.

Oh gods the smile as he follows them! Like, a moment of happiness for the child!

Vilgax set a city on fire. I take it he’s in a mood.

Yep. Definitely in a mood. Also how the fuck did you get out of the Null Void?

Oh look, we’re back with Ben. Honestly the least interesting part of this movie right now, though I love him.

Although I gotta admit, I never would’ve guessed the Omnitrix being used for a mistaken identity plot like this.

...okay unless he was thrown in the Null Void before you can’t charge him with that he was thrown in unlawfully. Or at least one would hope so. This is space so, the laws have been pretty fucked up in earlier series.

Y’all so not know the joy when you see “How do you plead” and go ‘he pleads not fucking Vilgax’ and then you hit play and Ben’s plea is “not Vilgax”.

Ben is fucking tired of people treating him like he’s Vilgax and you can’t rightly blame him.

Oh, look, Walkatrout. Hi guys! Nice to see you!

Oooo, hello spider-like babies! One second guys I gotta get you a screenshot!

I love them.

Also check out these fuckers!

Seems everybody and their mother is here to see this shit go down

Hi Tetrax. Care to tell us why you are here as a witness for the prosecution?

Welp, can’t see this going well

Tetrax, you lying shit, what is your angle? You have got to have something to gain from this.

Tetrax, describing Ben: “It’s like- It’s like a squishy little sack of organs held together with hair. And it’s head is enormous.”

Ben’s making another break for it

“-these are not the actions of the hero you claim to be-” Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Don’t sentence him to the Null Void you already know Vilgax can get out!

I’m impressed by how much these people believe in Vilgax’s acting skills. Like the fact that he’s acting nothing like himself and in fact 100% like the small child he appears to be only proves that he’s a good actor and not that, ya know, maybe they should check and see if they actually did grab somebody’s kid by accident. I mean it’s not like shapechanging watches are a one-and-done deal, a fucking 11-yo made one

And Ben gets dropped through a portal to, somewhere. It certainly doesn’t look like the Null Void.

Poor crying baby

“You don’t deserve to wield the Omnitrix, it belongs with it’s creator- me.” Oh fuck off, Azmuth. You let a squid have it for fuck’s sake.

Phil studying the Antitrix. Apparently the energy signature is very sporadic, but seems familiar.

Solar, Polar, please, we’ve got shit going on. Important Antitrix information. Could you not take a vacation? Take your mother to Disney World or something?

They’re at the fucking house because Phil has the most powerful radio tower in the country. Of course.

The Tennysons sent Kevin outside to handle them and he’s just standing in the yard watching them and eating chips. Telling them to shove off so his shit can get fixed. How is he not the most popular character in this franchise? Has he not earned a fucking spin-off?

Fucking Dark Matter running through the twins like tissue paper

Gwen, a firm believer in the art of ‘Kevin needs to fucking chill’.

My son sees cops and bolts. Nobody is surprised, given his everything. Honestly it’s probably the safest bet he’s got in anything in life- avoid cops.

“Whoever you saw on those security cameras it wasn’t me!” Kevin what did you do?

Is shocked to find the cops aren’t there for him, my poor son.

Kevin: *is just barely compared to Ben* This cannot be allowed to stand

“Proud? Of me?” Y’all the look on his face! My son! 

Like he’s not entirely sure if this is legal but he’s not about to look it in the face! My baby!

Vilgax! Hello! I knew you and my son were both going to be here so I saved you a spot in the pit! Reserved seating, as it were

Fuck off, squid-boy, the kid built the watch fair and square!

Oh gods, tell me the ‘Vilgax was involved in the dream situation’ theory isn’t being proven here

Also the look on Kevin’s face when he’s noting having seen Vilgax before, somewhere between ‘wait a minute’ and ‘you, you are the one I must kill’

He was in the dream and my boy is freaked.

“Used you as a vessel to finally complete my own design” Vilgax you gave the child a dream with a blueprint in it. There is only so much credit you can give yourself. How did you even do that? Is this some new Chimera Sui Generis  thing? Superstrength, tentacles, laser eyes, and fucking dreamwalking?

Is the Freddy Kruger of squid

As I said designing the piece means nothing if you go handing out the design to whoever. You can still patent the shit, maybe, but you can’t claim that whatever people made with said pretty-much-opensource design is your property.

Vilgax: It’s my design, give it to me Kevin: Fight me bitch

Kevin ‘Fight Me’ Levin

Ya know, I always though FD would be Kevin’s first kill but honestly it might be Vilgax.

I love him so much you guys. He is the most precious thing ever.

Kicks Vilgax’s arm as he’s going tor the watch, backflips away, perfect landing and out to kick ass

Vilgax if you wanted a kid who would just hand the watch over when you showed up maybe you shouldn’t have handed the design off to the most obstinate, anti-authoritarian, ‘you don’t tell me what to do’ child on the face of the planet Earth. You’d have probably had an easier time getting shit from Looma.

Poor gay couple who just got a car through the roof of their new house

Vilgax can talk shit all he likes, but Kevin is putting up a good fight. That’s another thing he maybe should’ve kept in mind, maybe don’t choose the kid who was doing perfect backflips presumably before he even got the stupid dream.

Okay, Ben is in the Null Void. They’ve tidied the place up since the OG series

Hello, species whose name I can’t remember off the top of my head. Good advice for the child thank you

Oh look, a Loboan, hello

There’s a whole mess of peeps. Including an Ectonurite, Vulpimancer, and Pisciss Volann

Dudes you already know Vilgax wants the watch why do you want to get his attention by getting it your own damn selves? It’s more trouble than it’s worth honestly.

These guys need to chill.

Yeeeep, deeefinitely need to chill

Ya know, Azmuth, if you wanted to show up and take your watch back? Now would be a good time? There’s a whole load of people here vying for it, earn the damn thing.

Hmmmm

Azmuth. Darling. Why are you in the Null Void? Why are you so firmly in the Null Void that fuckers know you and bend to your commands? The fuck did you do?

Everybody is talking shit about Ben today. He’s ten, let the child live!

Ben, out to kick Azmuth’s ass because he thinks he works for Vilgax because let’s be real, he’s had a fucking day and is also literally ten

Azmuth, just a rampaging dick wherever you find him

Also he has the Omnitrix back now

Jesus fuck, I just really want somebody to come step on Azmuth. Like, Vilgax is a dick but that’s his job, Azmuth is just, a fucking dick.

Azmuth you cannot talk about Ben being an infant and then turn around and say he should’ve known to kill Vilgax. He is a child.

Le gasp. Vilgax was Azmuth’s student. I’m going to assume you got thrown in here for not killing him your own damn self?

Benjamin Kirby Tennyson, annoying Azmuth into telling him the story of wtf happened with him and Vilgax

Young-Azmuth here is just, an image I never needed in my life. Give me Blukic and Driba back

Young Vilgax with goggles

And, shocker, Vilgax went ‘science is great but I can do you one better- universal domination’

Wow, Azmuth. Ya know if you’d had any braincells sufficiently developed you’d have known to kill him.

Azmuth. If you could have maybe one manner. A single etiquette.

Also, really? Sending the Omnitrix to Earth was the only option? You couldn’t destroy it now that it’s true destructive potential was known? Recode the damn thing to stricter parameters in a new coding language? Nothing else? Greatest mind in the universe and you couldn’t think of something, anything, besides sending it to a planet that would’ve been completely helpless if Vilgax had managed to get his hands back on it?

Ben: Okay, fuck you and your watch then, I’ll just go beat Vilgax myself Azmuth: Wait what?

Azmuth has set Ben a trial. You know the one, the ‘reach me within this time frame’ shit. If he passes he gets to keep the Omnitrix.

Attempt 1: No shapeshifting Attempt 2: Rath into Humongasaur

Attempt 3 starts with him having managed to end up outside of the trail area entirely

Azmuth is just a fucking dick. Ben points out that his entire goal is to save his planet from Vilgax, Azmuth blows it off because the fact Ben has his life’s work is more important. Gods just, being reminded how big a dick Azmuth is...

Azmuth, please keep in mind that the child is in fact a child

Ben and Kevin need to make friends so Kev can teach him some moves, he’d have kicked this Ectonurite in the head by now

Ben Tennyson, professional Good Child, saves the fucker that’s been giving him shit.

Ben figuring out new ways to use the Omnitrix and unlocking Goop!

Gods, Azmuth, now you gotta shittalk Goop too? Now you’re just being a speciest dick.

Ben saves a fucker, a fucker who’s been nothign but a shit to him, just barely fails the trial, and breaks down over not managing to beat it and save Earth. He’s so good you guys.

“Color me surprised that altruism still exists in this reality” you don’t get to make comments like that when you’ve been nothing but a dick the entire time you’ve been on screen

Azmuth has given Ben more time and a way out of the Null Void. Because it’s Azmuth, of course he’d rather stay there and wallow in his own bullshit that actually go out into the universe and do something about the problems he started.

Don’t waste your breath on him, Ben, he doesn’t deserve it

Dude he saved is now a Ben fan.

And Ben takes a sidetrip to save the Incurseans from a giant Null Void portal

And back on Earth Kevin is still putting a fight. He’s not winning, but he’s still fighting because he is a precious disaster.

The Tennysons trying to get it through his obstinate, broken little brain that he can accept help (and also that just because Ben does it doesn’t mean he has to refuse just to keep himself distinct from him (I am wording this badly but, I can’t word it right just now...))

It doesn’t work. 

My son. Vilgax ain’t even tired and Kevin is but he’s still holding his own.

Holy shit Phil has a living room

And Gwen has become a hostage. Good job drawing attention to yourself kiddo.

Yes Gwen, bite the squid! It’s not doing anything but I appreciate the enthusiasm and the fighting back!

She hardly even counts as a hostage, Kevin went to straight punch Vilgax and the dude just threw her away. At least use her as a fucking shield!

“You must be under the impression that you are special, when in reality you were only good for one thing.” 1) Yeah, building what you couldn’t. 2) Kevin is a brilliant artist and engineer, good at athletics, with a natural talent for magic, all on top of a good sense of humor and a smile like the fucking sun, HE IS WORTH TEN OF YOU

Also, so far the movie has given me no reason to believe that he was given any parts or tools with which to build this watch so, on top of all that, all my earlier points still stand so far as far as Kevin being better than fucking Tony Stark with machinery. Is that why you threw the design at this foul-tempered, stubborn little thing, Vilgax? Not because you’re an idiot and he could build it, but because he’s the only one who could? I’ve seen no proof against it yet.

Okay giving us that, that fucking view of him after being tossed, fucking skipping over the asphalt, was not nessecary!!!

My son...

My son....

You did great sweetie! You were amazing!

My son.... My poor, battered, exhausted, son....

Also the fact that he straight up says he’ll try again later, which is just- I don’t doubt it. I don’t doubt he will wake up and immediately upon realizing his watch is gone head out to fight Vilgax again.

The fucking K on the antitrix turning into a V is aggravating for pit-related reason but also very thematically appropriate

Vilgax fucking chimerized himself. Fuck off, that’s Kevin’s thing. Just all about stealing from children

Vilgax steals his chimerism shtick and Kevin immediately starts regaining consciousness. My child

Extra toothy mouths too?! Fucking chill, squid-boy!

Kevin is up and moving and everyone is fleeing a pissed Vilgax in the Rustbucket. He is now on the hunt for Ben

Vilgax is, really putting them through the wringer and Kevin is not happy.

And Kevin, once they’re at Vilgax’s mercy, runs off to start shit once again with the fucker. Because my child is perfect.

He has hijacked fucking Glitch! Of course he has! My child! Harness the fucking Glitch!

He and Glitch, luring Vilgax away with ease because this man handles disrespect worse than Kev does.

The Rustbucket is scrap, but Phil might have an option.

And we’re back to Ben. When last we left him he’d worn himself out saving the Incurseans, straight passing out, and now, now we’re back to him.

The Incurseans saved him, and are apologizing for starting shit. Which is better than they were in past iterations so honestly I’m happy with them.

Incursean leader: You have legal permission to apprehend Vilgax Ben: I don’t know how to get home IL: We’ll take you Incursean Otherdude: We can’t enter warpdrive Ben: What about that wormhole I took before? IO: ...that would work IL: Great, let’s go!

They are going to scour the ship for Tetrax so they can bring him in for falsely accusing a 10-yo hero of being Vilgax

Back to the Best Boy and Glitch fucking psychoanalysing my child as someone who uses an abrasive attitude to ward of people who may hurt him but at heart is a good person

“Listen, if there’s anything I know, it’s how to adapt and survive. If anyone can deal with being alone with Captain Calamari out here, it’s me.” My son!!

And they’re caught. Somebody give Kevin a crowbar or something.

Holy shit Glitch sacrificed himself to give Kevin a shot! Fucking hell! That, I think that may earn back the half point lost for the Gwevin. Sacrificing yourself to save my son earns a lot.

Oh you did not just call my son sniveling and pathetic. You didn’t. You get the special pit with FD.

My boy is crying. My boy is crying. A squid is going to die. Thou shalt not suffer a Vilgax to live.

The first person to get me a picture of Vilgax being torn apart by Kevin 11k gets a drabble.

Glitch! Giving my boy the aid and encouragement he needs in this moment! You definitely get the half point!

Kevin, like Ben, is having A Day.

Did, did Glitch and Kevin just fucking biomerge? Taking my son up a notch? Oh yesss

Glitch has been working on becoming armor for Ben but, well, Kevin needs it right now and it did need a testrun. Kevin is so happy to get to use it first. Seriously I don’t know what happened in their backstory but, damn

My boy

Welp

Back to Ben and Tetrax really should’ve been ready to bail, taking so long is just unprofessional.

Azmuth paid Tetrax to lie in court. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. Nobody. I’m shocked.

Ben is letting Tetrax go because he’s like 60% certain he helped in the long run

*snort* Okay, like that fourth wall break.

Kevin and Glitch, still fighting Vilgax, to the surprise of nobody given Kevin does not cannot will not stop fighting

They work well together, they really do. Glitch is more entertaining when he’s actually working off somebody rather than trying to just, be his own thing.

Ben cannot catch a break today

The Tennysons in an actual car plus Kevin and Glitch, all fighting Vilgax together because fuck it, better than going it alone right now

There’s still another twelve minutes.

My son. My Son. “A pity you didn’t stand down while you still had the chance.” “I’d rather go all-in and end up squashed than stand around and let some slab of squid jerky like you stand around and take over the planet.”

Ben is back on Earth and ready to join the fray. Sorry Squiddly but there is no chance in hell you can handle Kevin and Ben at the same time. Actually I’m fairly certain Kevin’s not gonna end up a Tennyson half because of this fucking obsession with Gwevin and half because Kevin and Ben as family would end the universe all on it’s own.

The fact Kevin then proceeded to call him Squidly just makes this day better.

A lot has happened since you left, Ben. Everyone has been having A Time.

And Vilgax smacks Kevin away, doing that final bit of damage to take Glitch out of the fight. Which means Kevin is out of the fight, or at least will be in a minute because honestly I’ll be surprised if nobody sits on him after that last stunt he pulled.

We’ve got nine minutes, let’s see if Vilgax can stand up against Ben, especially after all the fighting he’s already been doing. Neither of them is fresh, but Ben is fresher.

Vilgax is kicking ass so far. C’mon Ben, use Goop!

My son! Acting like he’s not worth saving because he can’t be useful. I am going to hunt down his father and the FD and destroy them both.

Glitch can drain the car and start repairs. The Tennysons are being helpful and Good.

My baby! He is just, confidence has plummeted. Kevin, baby, you are the best thing on this show! You are amazing!

Max, pointing out that Kevin managed to hold off Vilgax on his own, and that he and Ben together can kick his ass. Phil backing it up with a ‘the world needs you right now’.

Yesss, support for my son, this is all I want in this world

“Stand back, I’m going after my watch.” What did I tell you. He’s getting that fucking watch back if he has to eat Vilgax to do it. He worked hard on that thing!

Glitch is falling the fuck apart, Ben is down, Vilgax is about to win, and Kevin is not looking like he’s about to stop anytime soon.

MY BOY!!!!! MY FUCKING SON!!!! THE PERFECT BEING!!!!!!

He dove at Vilgax as he was about to use the Omnitrix’s key to unlock more power for the Antitrix and managed to snatch it back from the bastard! Because! He! Is! Perfect!

Vilgax has still gotten what so far seems to be a net positive effect, but at least he doesn’t have the watch

He thinks he’s Jafar

Vilgax standing there monologuing about his own greatness and Kevin just calls him a doofus and launches at him as Bashmouth

Then straight to CrystalFist when caught to make vilgax let him go, he’s amazing.

Ben catches him as he plummets, fully armored up, it’s time for these boys to wreck some squid shit.

Vilgax just keeps fucking growing. We’ve only got like five minutes left in the movie, just stop.

Kevin just, no hesitation. He is going to fight a giant squid so help him god

Welp. They managed to land some blows.

The boys have been taken out, Team Tennyson is at Ben’s side. “Glitch is- is gone.” “What about Kevin?” “I don’t know, Vilgax hit him pretty hard.“

Phil. Phil what the fuck are you hiding? You are hiding something and so help me if it could’ve helped my boy earlier I will-

Kevin and Azmuth need to meet because Kevin needs to punt him.

Oh look, the frog-bitch is out of the Null Void and bothering the Incurseans. They don’t deserve this, they’re good people.

Oh look, Ben has unlocked Waybig. Fitting, I suppose.

It’s gonna be a curbstomp fight, there’s only a few minutes left and we still need to wrap this movie up. Hopefully confirm my son is alive.

I was right. Good fight, still very quick. And now we gotta deal with fucking Azmuth again.

And, shocker, Ben gets to keep the watch.

Okay, we have confirmation Kevin at least limped away. He was alive as of the end of this film.

11/11 thanks to quality Kevin content and Glitch finally earning my respect. I’m still serious about the Vilgax thing though- first person, a reboot drabble of their choosing.

[ames-69]

Eddie kaspbark despised flying, especially on his own. He hated the unhygienic airport, the smells, the food, the whole deal. He couldn’t stand how many people there was; it freaked him out and he always found himself wondering just where had these people been. He avoided flying as much as possible, yet here he was, sitting uncomfortably in an itchy plane seat. He could feel someone kicking at the back of his chair and further down the plane hear a baby crying. He already knew he was in for a long flight and had brought everything he could possibly need; ear plugs, an eye mask, his favourite book and his precious phone. He wasn’t even meant to be on this flight, his feet were meant to be safely planted on the ground of his small home town, Derry, Maine, waiting for his best friend bill to come to him for the holidays. Then, unexpectedly, bill decided he wanted to stay in New York with his boyfriend Stanley and so asked Eddie - more so bribed him - to make the one and a half hour plane ride to the big apple, somewhere Eddie had only been once, two years ago when bill first moved. But back then he was travelling with Beverly, his other best friend so this was completely different. Unwillingly, eddie had agreed to fly to Bill in the end but was now seriously regretting it.

Bev and her boyfriend ben were going to meet eddie at his gate when he landed in an hour and 15 minutes, then the 3 of them would get a taxi to bill and Stanley’s apartment where they would meet Bill, Stan and stans 2 bestfriends, Mike and Richie.

Eddie had never had a big Christmas with loads of people (7 people was a lot for Eddie), but there was always time for firsts he told himself. From as long as he could remember it was always him and his over bearing mother, maybe every few years joined by his cheek-pinching-aunts for the holidays. He was actually looking forward to it, if he was honest, getting away from Maine for a few weeks, meeting new people in a new environment sounded so fucking great

A notification from his phone pulled eddie from his thoughts. He frowned. Someone had airdropped him a photo? He opened his phone with his thumb print and the photo popped up fully on the screen. It was a black background with some colourful writing on it. Eddie read it under his breath “sta: if you are the cute boy in row 21 seat B please add my snap so we can talk. @trashmouth03”

Eddie looked around him, confused. A slight pink tint was appearing on his face. He was in row 21 seat C. Surely he couldn’t be the boy? After a few seconds of debate eddie opened snapchat and immediately clicked the ‘find friend’ option. He typed in the user name and clicked ‘add’ on the only name that came up. Richie Tozier. Mere seconds later he received a snap. It was of a guys forehead, messy curls sitting wildly on his head.

“You the cute brunette in the thank you next hoodie?” Read the caption. Eddie laughed before snapping a pic of his hoodie and sending it back.

“Yup that’s me lol”

After awhile of snapping back and forth, Eddie learned Richie was 20, like him, from Maine, like him - but went to the next school over - and had an amazing sense of humour. The next snap he received as of an empty seat - an isle seat, eddies favourite.

“Row 18 if you’re interested ;)” eddie laughed, like he had at every other snap Richie had sent. Without thought, eddie gathered up his belongings and moved down the plane until he saw the mop of curls he was now so familiar with. “Eds!” Richie greeted with the nickname he’d ever so generously given eddie. “Don’t call me that, trashmouth” eddie said with no real malice, settling in his new seat. Even though he was not a few rows down from his original seat, it was a lot quieter here; everything seemed more relaxed, or maybe it was just eddie.

“So Richie”, eddie said, “why you headed to New York?”

Richie swung around, as if in panic. “This planes headed to New York? Oh god, I’m meant to be going to Russia!” Richie cried, but then burst into laughter. “I’m going to see my friend Stanley, and his boyfriend Bill” he explained a lot more calmly. Eddie fell slack in his seat. If he hadnt of just have a mini-heat attack, he would be thinking about how soothing and deep richies voice was. But he wasn’t thinking this. He was now in the middle of a crisis. He had had the thought once, when he first read the name Richie, but ignored it as he was unsure of Stans friend richies last name. Now he knew.

“You’re joking” he breathed, a chuckle escaping his agape mouth.

Richie looked back at him, obviously confused.

“I’m going to new York to see my friend bill and his boyfriend Stanley” eddie confessed. Richie burst into laughter - eddie thought he could listen to that sound forever.

“Guess we’re spending the holidays together” Richie joked, though it wasn’t really a joke, no, it was the truth and eddie couldn’t help but feel butterfly’s attack his insides in the best way possible. They both laughed.

“Guess so” eddie agreed happily. Maybe the remainder of this flight wouldn’t be so bad, eddie thought.

—

A/N: okay so I know you can’t normally use phones on short flights at least where I’m from but its like the whole purpose of the story so sorry not sorry

[aghostfromtheages]

Grocery List

So this is my (late) gift for the @secret-santa-klaus gift exchange :)

My giftee was @flashcotton . I had ideas and snippets floating around about this scenario for the past few months but I was finally able to get the time and inspiration to make it all come together. Flashcotton and I both seemed to enjoy some Klaus/Ben shenanigans, so I hope you like it!

Word count: 2010

Five flipped through the kitchen cabinets for the umpteenth time that afternoon and scowled.

No coffee.

He had been home for barely more than a day, and yet, the Commission had already chased him out of his favourite doughnut shop, making it impossible for him to show his face there again without much questioning, and more than a little distress. He warped the length of the kitchen. It was so in character for their father to own a perfectly effective little French press with nothing to use it on.

Without a doubt, the Temps Commission was actively searching for him. He had work to do, things to plan, and someone to… visit. Five had taken the opportunity to remove the Commission’s tracker, so that should have bought him some time, an evening at least.

Time enough for a coffee, before shit really hit the fan.

 ______________

Klaus rolled his body halfway off of the couch, groaning as the room began to spin. He needed some food, asap.

Ben watched his brother untangle himself from his partly discarded skirt and pull himself, half swaying, into a standing position. With a shake and a shiver, Klaus stretched, purposefully ignoring Ben’s expression of annoyance.

“It’s torture for me watching you do this to yourself every morning.” Perched on a nearby chair, chin in hand, Ben sighed.

“Mmmm,” Klaus mumbled, “You know what would be great right about now?” he paused, looking expectantly at Ben.

“Watching you sleep for another ten hours?”

“Eggs,” Ignoring Ben for the second time, Klaus sighed happily, “Eggs would be unbelievably sublime… right about-” Klaus tipped himself back onto the couch, before popping back up in time to catch Five striding through the living room. “-Oh Five! Perfect timing, where are you off-”

“Nope.”

Without breaking pace Five warped from the room to the entranceway.

“Wait!” Scrambling, Klaus pulled on his formerly discarded clothing from the night before, including Allison’s skirt.

Ben peeked around the corner into the foyer as Klaus careened past, bouncing off of the door frame. “He’s definitely not waiting.”

Klaus caught up with his brother just as he was pulling away in the car. He tried the passenger side door handle, but it had been preemptively locked. “Five, please…” he pouted, tugging at the door handle in vain.

Without looking at Klaus, Five stopped the car and leaned over to unlock the passenger side door. “I’m not in the babysitting mood, Klaus.”

Klaus couldn’t even be bothered to feel offended, but he definitely looked it. “Oh well…” he said, making himself comfortable and clipping in his seat belt. “I thought we could catch up.”

Five looked at him blankly.

“You know, some brotherly bonding time… on the way to… wherever you’re going.”

Ben sighed loudly from the backseat.

“Try your hardest to make me not regret this. I’m getting coffee.”

In tandem, they jogged across the busy street after parking the car.

“Fifteen minutes,” Five reminded Klaus, “Fifteen minutes and we meet back at the car. Got it?”

“Yeah… yeah of course.” Klaus nodded as earnestly as he could manage. He gave his brother an easy smile. “No problemo.”

Five, appearing unconvinced, rolled his eyes, before darting through the other shoppers and entering the sliding doors of the store.

“You don’t even own a watch,” Ben hissed, “and you pawned your phone last week!”

Waving his hands around, as if to shoo Ben’s spirit away, Klaus followed Five into the store, making a beeline for the refrigerated aisles. He ignored the lingering side-eyes and scoffs of the other well-to-do shoppers. First up; eggs. Klaus sidled over to the dairy fridges and began pretending to check cartons for cracked eggs. With a certain sleight of hand, he slipped two eggs into each coat pocket before walking away; shaking his head in mock disgust as if annoyed by the quality. Ben followed him listlessly, peering into other people’s grocery carts, and sighing in longing at the mundanity of it all.

Klaus threaded through the aisles, on the lookout for anything that piqued his interest.

“Look!” Ben’s gasp stopped Klaus in his steps.

Frozen. Waffles.

Klaus had not tasted waffles since… since that day long rager where he had torn the ass of his pants out jumping the fence running from the cops. It had been 5 A.M and the guy he had been staying with stole three boxes of frozen waffles from the 7-Eleven. The most romantic thing anyone had done for him, probably.

Making his way over to the frozen foods, Klaus waited until he was relatively alone before snagging a box of chocolate chip waffles and slipping it under the back of his jacket and into the band of the skirt.

Ben watched his brother tense and wince from the cold. “Idiot.” he sighed, with no little affection.

“Worth it.” Klaus croaked as he half waddled his way to the liquor aisle.

 _________________

Five had not been inside a modern grocery store in years. Grace had managed most of the grocery orders when they were younger, but since their father’s death, she had been barely functioning.

 The grocery store was an example of one of those shining monoliths that jammed itself into the center of many large cities, sporting separate floors, escalators, and the odd domestic scene of a family of faceless mannequins.

“Where the fuck is the coffee?” Five swore under his breath, garnering more than a few startled looks from the other shoppers.

Cereal, crackers, a whole aisle for juice, even an entire area dedicated to clothing essentials... Turning a corner sharply Five nearly walked straight into a solo female mannequin. Someone had left her, half-clothed, next to a pile of empty boxes. She looked like she was either coming in or out of storage.

Five stopped abruptly, brogues squeaking on the linoleum, coffee forgotten. A flicker of familiarity followed closely by guilt shifted across his features. Despite the looming crisis of the apocalypse, finding Dolores was among his top priorities. Although, a sliver of regret had buried itself near the core of his consciousness.

He had left her.

In that implausible, gut-wrenching juncture in time when the Handler had found him, he had left Dolores. Five didn’t often spend time thinking about the first few years he had been stuck in the apocalyptic future. He had been a child then, not only mentally, but emotionally as well. The horror and mounting panic of being trapped in a ravaged world, alone, was something he would never be able to sufficiently describe. She had been his companion for decades, seeing him through some of his lowest moments, and he had left her. The icy grip of dread crept across his chest, and suddenly Five was there again, hands bleeding, digging through the rubble of his home to find the broken bodies of his family.

 ______________________

“Pfft.” Klaus scoffed. “The car’s still here!” He loped over and tugged on the handle. Locked.

 Once past the sliding doors of the grocery store, Klaus slid the mickey of vodka out of his skirt and hoofed it across the street. Ben followed closely behind him, passing through people on the busy sidewalk. “I think it’s been more than 15 minutes.”

Klaus circled the car and picked a loose sour key out of his pocket. He had raided the candy scoop bins, stuffing handfuls of chocolate almonds, peppermints, and the like into his jacket pockets before making a hasty exit. He chewed on the candy absently, satisfied by the sour taste. Ben sat cross-legged on the hood of the car, watching his brother pace. Pulling the now warm waffle box from his skirt, Klaus tucked it carefully under the rear bumper of the car, along with the eggs, painkillers, and the small bottle of vodka. He patted it gently before straightening up. Ben watched him expectantly. 

“Do you think something happened to Five?”

Klaus shook his head. “Back home for less than 48 hours and already upsetting the apple cart.” He sniffed. “If dear Dad could only see me now, being useful and everything.” With a sad chuckle, Klaus popped another sour key in his mouth and jogged back across the street; Ben followed closely behind, trailing his brother through the sliding doors. Turning from one end of the entrance to the other, Klaus ran his hands through his mop of curls. “Now if I was in a fresh teenage body, lost in a grocery store... Where would you find me?... Don’t answer that-”

Ben walked past him, peering through the lines of shoppers to the cashiers. “Why not ask one of them?” He gestured towards the people working the cashes. “They might know.”  

“Oh Benny boy,” Klaus pretended to pat his brother’s ghostly face, “I knew I let you stick around for a reason.” 

With Ben in tow, Klaus made his way against the flow of people to the nearest cashier. An older woman, she was distracted, counting her till, unaware of Klaus standing primly next to the counter. He rolled his shoulders and coughed loudly, but she seemed very engrossed in her organization of quarters. “Excuse me,” Klaus knocked on the counter next to her as calmly as he could, despite the painful headache blooming behind his eyes. 

“Can I help you?” She didn’t even bother to look up from her counting. Her voice was curt and tired. 

“I’m looking for my… b-brother - Little brother.” He added hastily. Klaus shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, balling them into fists to keep them from shaking. In the last five minutes, his body had seemed to amp up the combined withdrawal and hangover symptoms to 10. 

She sniffed, seemingly even more annoyed. "Well, I could call for him over the intercom?" She offered it like she was giving up a kidney. "What's your brother's name?"

Ben sighed. Klaus smiled. He could already hear the inevitable questions ringing in his ears.  "Well…"

_______________

Five heard his name as if from underwater.

“... Five… Five if you are in the grocery store your brother… Klaus… is looking for you. Please make your way to…”

Five shook the fog from his head. He had been listlessly wandering the aisles of the grocery store for who knows how long. The tightness in his chest remained. He felt lost, exhausted, and frustrated that he was on the brink of tears over something so trivial as coffee. Turning about in the aisle he groaned aloud, unsure of which way the exit or checkouts were located.  

Without warning, Klaus appeared at the end of the aisle, sliding into a grocery cart before waving at him. “Five! You!... you rascal.” He jogged down the rest of the way, panting. 

He stopped short when he saw Five’s face. “Hey, hey, hey,” Klaus said softly, “This place is a mess, you need a map to find anything. What say we get out of here?” His headache was all but forgotten in the face of Five’s current state. His brother’s eyes were red, posture tense. Klaus reached out and gently squeezed his brother’s shoulder. Stepping past him, Ben bent down wordlessly and did his best to envelop Five in his ghostly embrace. Five’s posture relaxed. He scrubbed a sleeve across his face. “Thanks, Klaus.” His voice was scratchy. 

Ben pulled away, looking sadly at his brothers. Klaus shook his head. He was never good at this. There was so much unsaid between them all and no safe place to begin.

“You know what? I know a great little coffee place close by, a little pricey but the barista is great to look at and even gave me a job in 2016 after I…” He paused. Klaus barely knew his brother. Unfortunately, Five couldn't say the same about him. 45 years in the apocalypse to read Vanya's autobiography and all those news columns about his fuck ups meant there was no need for Klaus to elaborate. “Anyways. He owes me a joint and a bag of fresh ground coffee, at least. Wanna go?”

Five smiled faintly. “Yes, let’s.”

[logicalbookthief]

76 on the prompt list :>>> excited to see what u come up w/

Anon, your faith in me was truly misguided. I saw this prompt and went, “ooh, ok, let’s do some heartfelt angst,” and then as I started that my brain went, “nah, this instead.”

And by this, I mean “domestic & married Reddie being gross and in love and having a drama queen for a kid”

*

*

Prompt: 76 – “It could be worse. They could be dating.” “Wait. They are?!”

Summary: “Our daughter is dating a nose-picker?!” Eddie says it with the disdain of someone describing a serial killer.

*

*

Richie kicks the door closed with his foot, already slipping it halfway out of his shoe. He dumps his duffel on the floor, which Eddie’ll chide him for later. That’s a problem for future Richie, not present Richie, who’s running on pure caffeine after his non-stop flight from Atlanta to LA.

The distant thump of 80s music lures him to the kitchen. Eddie’s humming along to the radio as he rinses lettuce for one of his seasonal salads. Richie would bet his life it includes pine nuts. 

Padding quietly across the hardwood, Richie warps his arms around his husband from behind. “Honey, I’m home!”

Eddie jolts, relaxing the minute he feels the frame of Richie’s glasses against his head. “Jesus,” he sighs, dropping to a whisper. “Jack, what’re you doing, you know my husband’s coming home today!”

“Jack?!” Richie squawks, twisting him around by the lapels. “As in, our mailman?”

“Oh, whoops,” Eddie feigns shock, the facade lasting all of a second before he throws his arms around Richie’s neck, swooping in for a kiss. 

Richie moans, a little satisfied hum against Eddie’s lips. “Where’s my other sweetheart?”

His husband adjusts his shirt where it’s riding up, due to his Richie’s wandering hands. “Moping,” he explains, delicately.

“She’s seven. What does she have to mope about?” Richie deadpans. His mouth twists into a grimace. “Wait. Are you trying the tuna casserole recipe again?”

Eddie whips around. “What the fuck’s wrong with my–?”

“Nothing!” he answers quickly. Eddie narrows his eyes, wielding the salad-spinner like he wants to use it on something besides leafy greens. “So what’s eating my little Spaghetti-o?”

“Mrs. Diaz separated her from her cubby-buddy, Jonas,” Eddie informs, eyebrows rocketing to his hairline. “Apparently they were too disruptive as a pair.”

“Jonas? Isn’t that the nose-picker?” He regrets this observation as Eddie gags over the croutons. 

Everyone has a thing, a thing that trips the gag reflex. Many things bring out that response in Eddie, yet none so viscerally as his aversion to snot, boogers, and the like. Ever since they were kids, it was the surefire way to make him heave. Even if the snot in question was connected to their child.

So when it came to boogers, Richie was the go-to parent, while Eddie graciously agreed to handle the diaper meltdowns. After all, the key to a successful marriage is compromise. Compromise, and lots of Clorox wipes. 

At the school’s Christmas pageant last year, the boy standing next to Nina started digging for gold halfway through Twelve Days of Christmas and found a nugget before they hit two turtle-doves. Poor Eds nearly hurled in Richie’s lap. 

“Don’t remind me,” Eddie shudders. “Anyway, she’s heartbroken over it. As soon as we got home she ran to her room. I tried to talk to her when I brought her a snack and she asked me to please give her time.”

Richie imagines that coming out of his seven-year-old’s mouth and snorts. “Sorry,” he adds. “Not funny.”

Eddie ducks his chin to hide his smile. “Even for her, it’s a tad overdramatic,” he admits, glancing up at Richie through his lashes. “I didn’t have the heart to pester her, but, maybe since you’re home…”

“I’m on it!” Richie stretches the lingering kinks out of his neck. “I’m a world-famous comedian back from a sold-out show. Cheering our daughter up should be a cinch.”

“Mhm,” Eddie intones, not sounding very confident. Which, rude. He seems rather distracted by the length of Richie’s biceps as they stretch over his head. His eyes gleam with an anticipation that has nothing to do with salad. Richie’s got the same itch crawling beneath his skin and he’s very eager to scratch it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the dick grow harder. 

His knocks at Nina’s room are ignored, so Richie gently pushes the door open to peer inside. At the sight of his daughter curled up on the bed, he breaks into a smile.

“Eyyy, there’s my girl!” 

Nina raises her head from the pillow, uttering a curt, “Hi, Dad.”

Well, that’s far less enthusiasm than he was expecting. Considering he was gone for almost a week. Nothing like a child’s indifference to keep you humble.

“Aww, sweetie, what’s wrong?” His ears perk at the soft croon of Whitney Houston in the background. “And … what the heck are you listening to?”

“Playlist,” she mutters, blindly flinging an arm toward her device. She’s got it open to his Spotify. 

Richie should probably delete the app from her tablet, like, yesterday. If she ever stumbles across his “Songs to fuck Eddie to” playlist he’ll have to commit samurai-suicide.

However. Given this playlist is called “Sad love songs to cry into your Chipotle burrito,” Richie has a better idea of what type of crisis he’s dealing with here. 

“Sooo, uh. Your daddy told me. You and Jonas, you two are…?” He winces at her lip-tremble, which confirms his worst suspicions. “That’s rough, kiddo.”

“I’ll never be happy again,” Nina sniffs miserably. “I love Jonas and now we’ll never see each other!”

“You are still in the same class,” Richie points out.

She whirls on him, eyes flashing lividly.

“We sit by last names! His is at the beginning, mine’s at the end!” With more venom than a child should be capable of, she hisses, “I hate the alphabet.” 

“O-Kay,” says Richie, truly at a loss. Luckily, she doesn’t seem inclined to talk about it anymore. Instead she stuffs her face back in the pillow, not quite fluffy enough to absorb her lovelorn sigh.

He pets her hair, curling it around his fingers, until the sniffles eventually dwindle. “Do you want us to make you a special dinner? Anything you want,” Richie cajoles.

Nina thinks it over, tilting her cheek enough to say, “Can you ask Daddy to make tuna casserole?”

Richie blanches. “Wha– Why?”

“I want my belly to feel as bad as my heart,” she mumbles.

He manages to keep a straight face as he bends to kiss her brow and leaves her to sulk, but it’s a close call. When he reports back to the kitchen with his news, there’s no tact necessary.

Eddie laughs ‘til he’s out of breath. “It isn’t funny,” he repeats, slightly winded.

“Of course not,” Richie agrees, failing to stifle his own grin.

“I love her, I’m sorry she’s hurting, but she’s so–”

“Theatric?”

“She gets that from you,” Eddie accuses.

“Excuse a moi?” Richie balks. “This, coming from the guy who kissed me out of the deadlights like some low-budget horror rebut of Sleeping Beauty?”

“What, should I have let the clown eat you?” Eddie glances his way, slyly. “I was referring to middle school. When you spent an entire night cranking your mom’s Bonnie Tyler records because I said you kind of looked like a frog, and you remembered how three weeks ago I told Bev I’d never kiss a frog even if it turned into a handsome prince?”

“Fucking Stanley,”  Richie huffs. “I swore him to secrecy. We spit on it and everything.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “At least for Nina, it’s only a crush. It could be worse,” he scoffs. “They could be dating.”

Richie tries to school his expression, he does, but – the thing is. After spending almost their whole fucking lives together, minus those twenty-two years of amnesia in between, Eddie can spot his tells from a mile away.

“Wait. They are?!” He slaps a hand over his mouth, aghast. “Our daughter is dating a nose-picker?”

He says it with the disdain of someone describing a serial killer.

“Ugh, Rich, that–ew! What if they hold hands after h–he–”

The suggestion of it alone has Eddie bending over the sink.

“Babe, c’mon.” Richie soothes a palm up-and-down his spine. “You’ve drilled the importance of hand-washing into Nina since she could walk. I doubt she’s carrying around any clingers.”

On cue, Eddie lets loose another dry heave.

“Will you stop?” he groans, glaring over his shoulder at Richie. “This is awful. Literally, of all the kids in her class, why this one?” 

“You’re blowing this way out of proportion,” says Richie, though Eddie’s eyebrows beg to differ. He loves his husband, deeply, irrevocably, but he’s also one of most ridiculous people on the planet. “Remember, we like Jonas? Jonas is nice! If a little unsanitary… He’ll grow out of it, though. Like I did.”

The words leave his mouth before his brain can flash any of the red warning signs. Slowly, ever so slowly, Eddie turns. They lock eyes. His gaze brims with the horror of this realization.

“Are you saying,” Eddie begins, dangerously low, “that you used to pick your nose when we were kids a-and then, you’d touch me?”

“Used to?” Richie grabs the fleeing Eddie and hauls him back before he really does leave him for their incredibly buff mailman.

“Babe!” he chuckles. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I swear! I swear on Ben’s chiseled abs!”

“Disgusting, you’re disgusting,” Eddie grumbles, wriggling in his grasp. “Let go of me, don’t even think of touching me with–”

All of a sudden, Eddie squeals, wracked with a full-bodied spasm.

“With what?” Richie taunts, continuing to tickle him. “With these filthy, boogery fingers of mine?”

“St–op!” Eddie wheezes. “I’m gonna piss my pants!”

“Don’t exploit my pee kink,” he snaps, which only makes Eddie wheeze harder.

“I’ve had my fingers in your ass,” Richie reminds. “In fact, you love my fingers in your ass.”

Whether from embarrassment or exertion, Eddie flushes. “Fuck you, that’s extremely different!”

“You’re right, it’s probably more disgusting.” Teeth skirting over his earlobe, Richie leans down, his voice a sultry hush, “Because I like to use my mouth there, too.”

Eddie muffles a moan into his fist. “I see what you’re doing,” he grits out. “And it won’t work. No way I’m sleeping with you now, nose-picker.”

Richie makes a wounded noise, clutching him more firmly to his chest. “Please, Eds, baby, I can change! I’ll go to meetings, therapy– I’ll never stick my finger anywhere you don’t want again!”

“I don’t know if I can ever look at you the same.” Eddie’s reply cuts off into a giggle as those fingers attack his flank. “Seriously, Rich, I am going to–!” 

They’re interrupted by the violent swing of Nina’s door against the wall.

“Will you two keep it down?!” she shouts. “I’m trying to mourn!”

The door slams shut again. They gawk at each other in silence. Finally, Richie pools enough blood into his brain to speak.

“Are we terrible parents?”

Eddie kisses the underside of his chin. “Ask me that when your semi isn’t plastered against my ass,” he says, flatly.

*

*

@trashmouth_tozier

Hi my name is Richie and I’m a recovering nose-picker. Ages 3 thru 9 were rough, but with the support of my dear husband, I’ve managed to keep my fingers clean. Hope my story can help inspire someone else xx

*

*

Bev: why did Eddie ask for the number of my divorce lawyer ?

Bev: nvm I saw your tweet

*

*

Am I projecting my own snot-induced gag reflex onto Eddie? Yes. Do I still believe my characterization was spot-on? Yes again.  

[twoidiotwriters1]

Home- Chapter 12 (Kylo Ren/ Ben Solo x F!Oc)

A/N:   I have tried to upload this chapter, since yesterday, but Tumblr did not cooperate, but now it does. come on!

Also, this is the end of The Last Jedi... enjoy

Words: 2,685

Masterlist:

Chapter 11 / Chapter 13

He has every right in the galaxy, this shouldn't affect me. We’re no longer children so that kiss didn’t matter. We’re adults...

But why did he treat me like this? First he wants to know about my past, then he kisses me and when I’m at the highest level of crisis, I realize that… in reality, that kiss didn’t matter to him, our moment did not change him.

No one can change, can they?

I'm a fool, I shouldn't have thought... No, wait, this was not my fault, he has also played with my mind! He kissed me, no one forced him, maybe he didn't care, but why did he do it? It makes no sense. I'm sick of this whole show, I can't do it anymore.

Among all that we have been through when we were children, adolescents, his change to the dark side, when I ran away… so many years running away from him, from his memory, from the Jedi, from the force, all this. For what? To be a prisoner on the wrong side, being threatened by a grotesque giant who proclaims himself master and lord of everything.

I'm sick of acting like a teenager, I'm sick of myself playing with my thoughts and feelings, I don't know what situation I might be in tomorrow, and all I've done is run away and play lovebirds with Kylo, while everyone else in the resistance is risking their lives to stop it, I think it's time.

I sit on the floor and cross my legs, close my eyes and let go, remembering all the past training.

The force unites with me, but this time is different, I no longer see just light and darkness, I hear the beating of hearts, the noises, the screams, the effort, the fear… pain.

Enough of games.

What are you doing?

My heart flutters uncontrollably as I recognize the voice. His voice.

What do you want? I answer.

Your barriers have fallen.

And what will you do about it?

What are you planning?

Finish this.

What do you mean?

I can't do it anymore, Ben. And I'm sure that you also-

I open my eyes to feel something’s changed.

The door to my room opens and Kylo enters. I get up and face him.

"Your barriers have also fallen,” I say in a whisper, we looked at each other in silence for a few seconds. I get a little closer to him. "I can feel the conflict in you.”

"You can't do anything to change me.”

"Maybe not, that's on you, Ben."

"Stop calling me that! No one understands it, everyone expects something more from me, but no- "

“You’re the one who doesn't understand! You had everything in your favor, you had a future! But you ignored all the warnings, you ignored me and your best idea was to get rid of me!” My breaths are shaky. "Stop throwing tantrums all the time and for once in your life do something. Stop listening to everyone else, listen to yourself, Ben, listen to what I told you, what the fuck do you want?”

"I know what you saw yesterday, I know what you felt," I look away.

"I don't think that matters now. You have every right to do what you want with whoever you want, but I must tell you something,” I am brave. "I won’t take part of your child games, I will not be part of your army or Snoke's, I don’t want to be part of any of this. A lot of people are trying to come up with a plan to destroy you and… and I'm not going to stop them.”

He abruptly looks away and talks.

“It's not a good time,” He says, I look at him confused. I see to where he’s looking at, but I don’t understand what’s going on. His expression changes and turns to me.

"It's Rey,” when I think he's going to leave, Kylo does the opposite, He sits on my bed and talks to her.

I sit next to him and listen only to his part.

"If this is a lie, it’s a good way to cut a serious topic.”

“It’s not a lie," He says, glaring at me. "She is with me," He replies to Rey, then I can see how his cheeks flush and he gets nervous. "It's not what it seems,” They keep talking, “Nothing happened with... with that woman."

I look at him surprised, but I shake my head, I don’t want distractions. Damn hormones.

Both continue talking and I try to connect what’s happening with the little information it gives me.

“You're not alone," He replies. His heart beats faster and I feel his body tense.

"Ben?" I touch his shoulder. He stirs in my bed and the connection seems to be cut, his gaze returning to me.

"I wish everything was easier. I wish I could tell you everything that's going on, but I can't do it, even I don't know. The only thing I’m sure of is that I’ve failed you and there’s nothing I can do to remedy it. You’re right to be angry, since I saw you... the night I thought I lost you is the only thing I could see every night. I may regret many things, but what I can never, truly forgive myself for, is what I did.”

I don’t know what to tell him.

"I tried to forget you- The woman… nothing happened.”

"You don't need to give me an explanation–“

"I need to, I must do it,” He gets up and paces around the room. "I don't know what you're doing to me, but just as, or maybe worse than when we were younger and I can't stop thinking about you and... I'm going crazy."

“You're not the only one…” I say in a whisper.

"What are we supposed to do now?"

"I don’t know.”

After a few seconds, he comes closer and I get up. My body is tired and I’m sure that his is too. His hand touches my cheek and I get closer to him, resting my head on his chest. Then we just hug. Since I came here, it’s the first time that I feel safe.

That night we both slept in the same bed, the first night without any nightmares.

——————————————————————

When we wake up, Ben shakes my shoulder lightly and tells me about Rey's possible arrival.

"I need you to stay here.”

"It's the only thing I've done since day one,” I roll my eyes as I get up.

“Kiara…"

"You know I'll be leaving as soon as I can and you won't be able to stop me,” He sighs and gives me the briefest of smiles.

“Rey’s arrival will cause chaos.”

"I'm used to it."

"Kiara, please–”

“No."

Ben growls, but he knows he can't do anything.

"Come with me” I say. He looks at me in surprise.

"Yesterday you just wanted to yell at me, now you want to take me with you?”

"I always want to yell at you, sometimes strangle you but... what you think of as the chaos, I see it as an opportunity.”

"You can't come with me, I must take her with Snoke.”

"Then go, but as soon as you can... come back to me,” I craddle his face in my hands. “You're not alone, Ben. You have a home and you know it, it is your duty to return.”

He lean further and kisses my forehead, takes my hand, puts something in it and then closes it.

"Stay safe," He then leaves the room. I open my hand and feel a terrible lump in my throat when I see the necklace Han gave me on my birthday.

I can’t wait anymore

I look for my lightsaber in Ben's room. And I prepare for the inevitable.

——————————————————————

I walk all over the ship with my saber in hand, ready to get rid of any droid or person, but it seems that all the troopers have been called somewhere else, I'm heading there too.

Upon arrival, there are several armed groups, I get closer and I hide behind some boxes. Without attracting attention I listen to what they say. Apparently Phasma and Hux are in front of two people in first order uniforms… Hold on…

"You're wrong,” I know that wonderful voice!

Finn and... another girl are forced to kneel.

“Take them out with a blaster is too good for them. Let them hurt,” Phasma orders.

Damn, now I understand what the other soldiers say about her, she’s not the boss for nothing. The only good thing about my confinement was not running into her. Although, it wouldn't be a bad idea to meet us now, would it?

I come out of my hiding place little by little and see how two troopers come out with weapons ready to obey Phasma.

"We don't have to get aggressive, guys,” Their focus is on me now.

"The prisoner,” says Phasma.

“I'm Kiara, pleasure,” I feel the eyes of Finn and the girl on me as well.

"Catch her,” Two troopers approach and with no effort, I turn on my laser and get rid of them.

"I wanted to chat, my dear. But it’s not going to be possible, free them and maybe I’ll have mercy.”

I don't wait for an answer and the two soldiers who trapped Finn and the girl met by my saber. Both get up and the other soldiers get into attack position.

"Was this your plan?" Finn whispers.

I grimace.

"Not the best, but at least I helped?”

“We're dead,” the girl complains and I look at her offended.

Before anyone could do something, a big bang explodes behind us. All I remember is my body crashing against the ground. It doesn't take long for my eyes to open and see everything on fire, some ships being destroyed.

With difficulty I get up and feel a great déja vu. I turn to my left and see the girl trying to drag Finn's body. I reach out to help her, but he manages to wake up.

"Finn!"

The boy gets up.

“There's a ship back there, we have to go!”

I stop.

Go, I could get out of here.

"Kiara?" Finn asks me worried. "We must run away…”

I start to run, but we didn't last long since Phasma and a group of Stormtroopers survived.

The fight begins and the shooting of the blasters do too. I light my saber again and use force as an ally to try to defend myself and help my friends.

"Finn!" The girl screams and I see how Phasma corners the boy. I try to go to him, but a group of soldiers stop me.

Phasma manages to hurt the boy and knocks him unconscious. I don't waste time and just when the soldier tries to kill Finn, I stop her with my saber, now the fight is between her and me.

"We wouldn’t have been friends," I say between gasps. I dodge her attacks and I can tell she is good, but she’s also weak.

I hurt her with my saber in the leg and she falls, I raise my gun, but before I can do anything. I feel a huge pain in my chest, so much that it destabilizes me and I recoil a little, I can hardly breathe.

Ben! I don't get a response. A great mistake, a great distraction.

Suddenly a sharp pain shakes my body. Phasma took advantage of the distraction and used her weapon to cut my arm.

I scream in pain and fall to the ground as I hold myself.

What happened next is a little fuzzy, I see Finn, then he reaches out and grabs my saber, pulls my left arm and helps me up, my weight on him.

"Come on, Kiara, don't leave me now," He whispers in my ear as we walk.

The girl along with BB-8 manage to help us and we all go to a ship to get out of there.

On the ship, Finn lays me down and the girl helps him cover my no-longer-right hand, but before we leave, I close my eyes and focus on the connection.

Ben

I wait a few seconds.

Sorry

You must come

I’m so sorry, my star

——————————————————————

Finn and Rose's ship arrives at the rebel base, being a ship of the first order, everyone begins to shoot, but the crew raise their hands and little little by little they come out to make it known that they’re not the bad guys.

“Finn! Rose! You’re not dead!” Poe yells as soon as he sees them. “Where's my droid?”

BB-8 runs towards its owner while Finn and Rose help with great difficulty  to Kiara, who’s about to fall unconscious.

Leia and Poe reach out to help. Kiara, seeing the woman can't help but shed pent-up tears.

"Sorry, I- I tried, He…” Says the girl between sobs.

"Shhh, honey, it's okay, I understand."

Poe takes Kiara in his arms and carries her away to the doctors while the others move from one side to the other with the new teams to continue fighting.

The fight is not over.

The doctors managed to stop the bleeding and were able to keep Kiara awake, but her body remains weak. She needs to go to a base where they have better teams.

"I'll be fine, you must help others…” She says with difficulty as she gets up. The doctors are not sure, but they obey.

Kiara stays in her place and tries to contact Ben, but all her efforts are in vain. Ben has put up his barriers again and her weakness doesn’t allow her to break through them.

"I see you followed my style…”

The girl looks to her left in disbelief.

“Luke…” The man points to her hand with a small smile. Kiara rolls her eyes and laughs a little. "It suits me better."

"I bet,” When Luke is in front of her, he touches her cheek. "I'm sorry for all the damage you've been through, Kiara.”

"I guess that’s what happens when you listen to a blond man impressed by your abbilities as a thief.” We both laughed.

"I come to confront him, Kiara. I can't save him,” The girl knows what he's talking about and looks away for a few seconds.

"I tried to help him, Luke."

"You did a better job than me,” He says with a half smile. "I don't know what happened, but I feel like I should apologize.”

“Luke," She tries to say something, but the man continues.

"I'm sorry I failed you and Ben, but now I'm here to try to fix things,” He sighs. "I must also confess…” She stares at him, expectant. "Of all my students, you will always be my favorite," Both laugh again.

The last thing Luke Skywalker gives to his former apprentice, his friend, is a kiss on her forehead, then he heads towards the main headquarters, where Leia is.

The confrontation continues between Kylo Ren and the resistance, only now, Luke Skywalker is the distraction. The problem now is to get out of the cave.

Poe finds the solution by being guided by the cave-dwelling creatures. Everyone follows him, Finn helps Kiara until they reach where the exit would be, but it’s covered by stacked rocks.

"I don't like this at all," says Kiara looking at Leia.

"There must be another way out," says Poe desperately, but the movement of the rocks interrupts him.

On the other side Rey is in charge of using force to leave the exit clear. Everyone leaves and Finn hugs his friend while Poe picks up Kiara again and helps her move on.

"Someone has leveled up in the 'lift rocks' lesson, right?" Kiara scoffs when she walks past Rey, who just laughs. Everyone follows the path up to the Milenium Falcon.

Kiara's body is connected to various machines and medical help. At this moment, finally, she closes her eyes and rests after a very hectic day.

Taglist:

 @oopsiedoopsie23

@blackheartedspider

@fandomshit6000

@thewinterschildren178​

[reddieandgoodnight]

"Everyone thinks we’re already dating, but we’re just best friends- oh wait"- reddie

Here you go, anon! Sorry for the wait — hope you like it! :) 

“Well, I did it. I applied to NYU,” Eddie said, leaning back in the diner booth where he, Eddie, Stan, and Bill were huddled. Richie was working, and Ben and Beverly were having “alone time,” which left the four boys to their own devices.

Eddie dipped a French fry in his chocolate milkshake and took a bite, savoring the salty sweetness.

“That’s great,” Mike said, grinning as Bill gave a whoop. “Does your mom know you’re applying?”

“Oh, god no,” Eddie said, shuddering. He’d kept all of his application paperwork and essays tucked under his mattress where Mrs. Kaspbrak wouldn’t look, not quite ready for the fight that would inevitably happen when he told her.

“Your mom….” Mike started but then trailed off.

“Yeah,” Eddie said shortly.

Mike didn’t have to say anything else. The first introduction Mike had ever had to Mrs. Kaspbrak was her screaming at him and the other Losers after Eddie’s arm was broken.

It was all downhill from there.

“Is Richie applying to NYU, t-too, then?” Bill asked.

Eddie blinked. “I don’t know.”

Stan paused, mouth halfway to his straw. “Did something happen between you two?”

“No?” Eddie said, tilting his head.

“But why wouldn’t Richie be going with you?” Mike asked.

Eddie’s gaze jumped from Mike to Bill to Stan and then back to Mike, puzzled. He racked his brain for anything that would have indicated he and Richie had to go to the same school

(if Richie was even going to school; they were still in the middle of that ongoing fight)

but he came up with nothing beyond the general ‘it would cool to be at the same school, huh?’ type of conversations he’d had with all of his friends at one point or another. Nothing that would explain why Bill and Mike were staring at him with such wide eyes.

“Richie can go to NYU if he wants to,” Eddie said at length. “He hasn’t said where he wants to go yet.”

(Eddie planned on winning the college fight, after all; it was only a matter of time.)

“But…aren’t you and R-Richie dating?” Bill asked.

Eddie’s mouth fell open. He gaped at Bill for a few seconds before he laughed, shaking his head.

But Bill didn’t laugh.

Neither did Mike or Stan.

The smile slowly disappeared from Eddie’s face, expression becoming unsure. A strange, sinking feeling pulled at his stomach. Richie was working today, but Eddie suddenly wished Richie were here to make a dumb joke and ease the tension that had suddenly risen in the room.

“Did you actually think Richie and I were dating?” Eddie finally asked, bewildered. And then: “Why did you think that?”

Bill only gaped at him.

Eddie frowned, gripping the edge of the table with both hands. “Richie is my friend, but that’s it. There’s nothing like — like that going on between us. I…why would you think that?” The last sentence came out as a whisper.

Mike took a long sip of his milkshake. Then: “Eddie, all the touching? The jokes? The nicknames?”

“Richie does that with everyone,” Eddie muttered, picking at the sleeve of his shirt.

“Well, he sure as hell doesn’t pinch my cheeks like that,” Stan muttered. “Cute, cute, cute!” he said, doing a horrible imitation of Richie that had Eddie’s face burning.

“But…it’s just… It doesn’t mean anything,” Eddie said weakly.

“You sure about that?” Stan asked, eyebrow raised.

Bill and Mike silently sipped their milkshakes.

“I — I have to go,” Eddie said after a moment, jumping to his feet. He ignored his friends’ calls for him to stay as he hurried out of the diner.

***

Ben Hanscom opened his front door to find Eddie Kaspbrak gasping for breath, cheeks red and eyes wild, bike abandoned on Ben’s lawn with the wheels still spinning in the air.

“Am I…dating…Richie…fucking…Tozier?” Eddie wheezed, all sorts of panic flying over his freckled face.

“Oh boy,” Ben muttered.

Five minutes later, Eddie was perched on Ben’s couch with Ben and Beverly sitting across from him as he sipped at a cup of tea, trying to calm his shot-to-hell nerves.

“Okay, what happened?” Bev asked, brows drawn low in concern.

“I’m…Bill thought I was dating Richie,” Eddie whispered, ears red. “Stan and Mike thought so, too.”

“Wait, you’re not?” Ben asked, confused.

Eddie seemed about ready to either yell or bawl at Ben’s words. Bev glared at Ben, who looked abashed.

“You and Richie are really close,” Bev said after a moment.

“Yeah,” Eddie said softly. There was no denying that. No matter how much Richie drove him up a wall sometimes with all the stupid nicknames and crude jokes, Richie was Eddie’s very best friend. He knew that the same way he knew the sky was blue — a simple, inalterable truth.

But…something else nagged at him, tugging at Eddie’s heart the same way Bill’s words had pulled at him.

“How did you guys know you were in love?” Eddie asked suddenly. “I mean…if it’s okay for me to ask,” he added in a small voice.

Beverly gave him such a gentle smile, Eddie thought he might fall to pieces.

“That’s okay,” she said. Ben nodded. “For me, it…it actually started when I was with Bill. I felt like something was…missing, I guess. Maybe ‘missing’ isn’t the right word… Bill is a sweet guy, of course, but he’s just as fiery as me. So good times were really good, and bad times were…really bad.” She paused, squeezing Ben’s hand in hers. “And I realized I needed someone who was the calm rain in comparison to the fire.”

Bev laughed, shaking her head. Ben, on the other hand, seemed touched. “Sorry, that’s a little cheesy. Anyway, I saw how Ben balanced me out. And how he always wants what’s best for me. And I…I want the same for him. I knew I loved him when I realized being around him meant actually feeling like things were okay for once in my life. Plus, he’s really hot, so…” Beverly giggled as Ben turned red, rolling his eyes.

“I feel the same, of course,” Ben said. “I liked Bev since forever, really. But when I realized that her happiness was the most important thing to me, well…that’s when I knew I loved her. She’s beautiful, of course,” he murmured, smiling as Bev blushed. “But more than that, she…makes me want to be the best version of me that I can. I want to be better, for her. She’s helped me with my eating problems, with everything. And she’s always patient. How could I not love her?”

Beverly gave Ben a warm smile.

Eddie, meanwhile, felt like he was having an internal crisis. “I think I need to go talk to Richie,” he said, voice a little strangled.

***

Sometimes there are moments in life where everything suddenly changes with absolutely no warning, tearing up your world like a piece of old carpet hiding the raw underside of your life, leaving you bruised and reeling, irrevocably changed.  

There had been a few of those moments in seventeen-year-old Eddie Kaspbrak’s life. The first came when his mama had told five-year-old Eddie that his daddy wouldn’t be coming home. The second when a rampaging clown attacked and nearly murdered him at the Neibolt house when he was thirteen. The third when Mrs. Kaspbrak had all but admitted to giving him fake medication, only days after what happened at Neibolt. The fourth when at the age of fifteen, Eddie understood he was gay.

And the fifth was when Eddie Kaspbrak realized he was in love with his best friend, Richie Tozier.

Eddie remembered Bill saying how riding Silver sometimes felt like trying to beat the devil. For Eddie, as he raced across town toward Richie’s house, knowing Richie’s shift was over by now, the devil he was trying to beat was the need of his own fucking heart — the same heart that, upon hearing Ben and Bev’s explanations of love, had realized he had a love of his own, a love that felt so familiar and so right, he hadn’t even realized it was a love like that at all. Because when he had finally caught up to the truth, he realized he’d known it all along, even if it took him this long to understand.

Eddie careened up Richie’s driveway, going so fast he nearly flattened himself against the garage door next to Richie’s old truck. He dropped his bike and ran up the front steps, knocking several times.

A few seconds later, the door flew open, revealing Richie, looking freshly showered and wearing a slightly damp t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, skin rosy and eyes bright behind his thick glasses, dark curls plastered to his forehead.

“Eds!” Richie exclaimed, looking pleasantly surprised. “What are you doing banging down my door on the middle of a Saturday? Thought you were with Bill and the rest of those losers.” Richie’s eyes twinkled merrily.

There must have been something in Eddie’s face because Richie’s smile faded, replaced by worry. “Everything okay?” he asked, gently touching Eddie’s cheek. 

Eddie was sure Richie could feel the blush overtaking Eddie’s face.

“What’s going on, Eds?” Richie murmured.

Eddie stared up into Richie’s brown eyes, glossy behind those coke-bottle glasses. Those eyes were so full of kindness and concern, shining as they waited for Eddie to explain.

“Can I try something?” Eddie asked softly, nervous. Maybe action would be easier than words.

“Okay —” Richie began to say. But his voice cut off when Eddie reached up to cup his face. After a moment of no movement on either side, there was a very quiet, “Eddie?”

And Eddie, frustrated with his own nerves and with Richie’s stupid face looking at him so sweetly, finally shot up and pressed a kiss to Richie’s lips. He quickly leaned back again, staring down at the ground with a face so hot, it rivaled an exploding star.

“I’m sorry, I just —” he started.

But his voice died in his throat when Richie suddenly yanked him back up, crashing their lips together again. Hard. Eddie gasped into Richie’s mouth, eyes wide and staring into Richie’s.

Richie pulled back just enough to let them both suck in a breath before kissing Eddie again, mouths sliding against one another in almost delirious desperation. It was messy, uncoordinated, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Richie was kissing Eddie back.

Finally they broke apart, panting a little. Richie pulled Eddie against his chest, holding him there as though afraid Eddie would run away.

“Richie?” Eddie whispered after a moment.

“…yeah?”

“Will you come to NYU with me? If I get accepted, I mean?”

Richie leaned back, staring down at Eddie. His face broke into a wide grin. “Eddie Spaghetti wants me to go to New York with him? Why, of course I will.”

“Shut up,” Eddie muttered, smiling back as a warm feeling spread through him.

(Not least of all because yes, he did win the college fight, thank you very much.)

“Richie?” Eddie murmured again.

“Yeah, Eds?”

“I love you.”

Richie gazed down at Eddie with such warmth, it felt like Eddie was bathing in a pool of sunlight. 

The sixth moment that forever changed seventeen-year-old Eddie Kaspbrak’s life was when his best and most beloved friend Richie Tozier said, “I love you, too.”

[hitchell-mope]

(Third film. After “The Phoenix”. In Audrey’s bedroom she’s explaining what she knows to the vks)

Audrey:...and the last time I saw him he was getting out his violin. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help

Mal: no, thank you Audrey. I um I figured it’d be something like that

Harriet: you don’t wanna be doin that during a crisis

Uma: ahem notaeuphemism, notaeuphemism

Harriet: ohhhh

Harry: tch sounds like one though

Mal: alright. Both of you. Not a peep out of either of you two crackpots for the rest of the millennium

Uma: eh, sounds fair.

Mal: are you doing ok. Chad going crazy, it must be horrible for you

Evie: oh who cares. She’s probably the cause of it

Mal: Evie shut up

Audrey: she’s right. It’s my fault. If I hadn’t left I

Mal: what happened

Audrey: after what happened to you guys on the bridge. We went back to his room. He forbade me to see you guys or be friends with you any more. I tried to leave and then he grabbed my wrist and tried to get me to stay

Mal: I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna rip him apart limb from limb

Audrey: I read him the riot act. And I left. It’s my fault. If I’d stayed I could’ve stopped him

Mal: if you stayed. Then we’d be fighting you right now. And it not your fault. Chad’s problems are Chad’s problems. Not yours or anyone else’s

Jay: oh my god

Mal: what?

Jay: he wants her

Mal: huh?

Jay: he wants to be king. And he never forgave you for Ben dumping Audrey because she was being a swot to you. He’s like an equally pathetic and creepy version of harry. Psychotically devoted to who he thinks is the perfect woman

Mal: holy shit

Evie: well then we know hey we have to do.

Mal: no

Evie (blatantly ignoring her sister): we give her to chad. They both burn to death. We’re home free

Uma: I can’t believe I’m saying this but it could work

Mal: no it couldn’t. Because. A. Chad’s power mad. B. Even it could work then we’d still have a homicidal dark fairy on our hands.

Uma: shit you’re right. Ah well only one thing to do

Hadie: what’s that?

Uma: rifle through her shit while she’s in a depressive episode

(She starts doing just that. Pulling out books from shelves, tearing down clothes from the wardrobe, until she finds something of interest)

Audrey: um excuse me. That’s my diary

Uma: I know. That’s why I’m reading it.

Audrey: yeah but it’s really old. From a time in my life I’m not exactly proud of so if

Uma (reading and ignoring her please): “Eighth of March. They’re here. Poor Benny boo is too nice to see it but I know the truth. They want my throne. That little purple skidmark, the magic mop head, Mouthoff and that spindly freckle faced...” Woah, and you still wanna protect her after all this?

Evie: she’s Mal’s friend. Not ours. And even then. It’s only because Mal feels guilty

Uma (rifling through the pages): lets see now it’s gotta be somewhere here. Oh yeah. “Eighth of April. I can’t believe it. He dumped me. All because I was reading that stuck up little handbag the riot act. She’s got to have used a love potion because there’s no way in hell Ben would dump me for sowing one so poor and ugly. At least I’ve got chad as a fallback. That little witch has gotten too comfortable. It might be time to shake things up as it were”. So how’d ya do it?

Mal: do what?

Uma: trap lil beasty boy. Cause there’s no way in hell he jumped you willingly

Mal: why the fuck would I spell Ben? Who the fuck do you think I am? You?

Harry: what’s that supposed mean?

Jay: it means you hypnotised Ben before the cotillion last year. Or have you forgotten about that?

Harry: cut me some slack alright? Sometimes I can’t remember what happened yesterday. Which for me in fact it was actually. See as I lost a year of me life

Carlos: oh boo fricking hoo dickbrain

Uma: oh look there’s more. “Tenth of June. I’m an idiot. A pink frilly stupid idiot. I was completely wrong about Mal and the others. She saved my life. I tried to kill her and she saved my life. How could I be so stupid. They had no choice but they chose to save me when they could have let me burn. I have to make things right. It’s the only way”. Damn Ophelia. When do you jump into the lake?

Audrey: it’s um ahem that’s the last diary entry. I didn’t feel like making another one.

Uma: then you wouldn’t mind if it do this

(She frisbees the dusty into the empty fireplace and sets it alight. Audrey runs up to stop her but is held fast by the hook sisters)

Audrey: please, please. They’re my mother’s diaries. It was a for my fourteen birtday

Uma: oh yeah? Well do you know what I got for my fourteenth birthday? A triple unpaid shift at the restaurant where I work for a roof over my head.

Mal: Uma! Leave her alone

Jay: yeah she’s ignorant. She doesn’t know what it’s like over there. And she can’t be held accountable for what Adam did

Uma: you all can (she grabs Audrey by the throat) now. What do you suggest we do with her highness?

Cj: how about we make sure her incessant prattling is stopped forever more?

Harry: ooh good choice.

Harriet: but how do we silence her?

Uma: hmmmmm...OOH! I know. Harry your pocket watch please

(He hands her the watch and she throws it into the mirror above the mantlepiece through which it disappears)

Uma: see ya feckers

Mal: NO WAIT NO!

(Uma freezes the other Vks with magic, chucks Audrey through the mirror, sending her falling through the blackness and teleports her and the hooks to the same place. This is when “this is Halloween” happens. After the song. Carlos blurs for a second and the spell ends)

Carlos: of course. Now what to do first. Hmmmmm. Right! Gil. C’mon buddy. Wakey wakey

(He double taps Gil and the shoulder and the blonde starts moving again)

Gil: owww. We have to save her don’t we?

Carlos: unfortunately. Yes

Gil: shit.

Carlos: tally ho my friend

(They both jump into the mirror and land in a watch)

Gil: where are we?

Carlos: a pocket watch. Your ex’s pocket watch I believe judging by how it’s kaput

Gil: oh yeah. Yah um. James kept smashing it so he stopped asking me to fix it after the fifth time it was thrown at his head

Carlos: that explains so much yet absolves absolutely nothing

Gil: stands to reason

(Audrey’s muffled screams can be heard from their right)

Carlos: this way?

Gil: yep

(They head off in a northern direction and sure enough they’re Audrey. Bound to a clockwork chair. Mouth gaffes with tape. Carlos almost releases her but Uma steps out of the darkness followed by the hooks)

Uma: I wouldn’t do that if I were you

Carlos: really? You wouldn’t do this if you were me? Well if I were you then I wouldn’t kidnap the friend of the future queen

Harry: back off you son of a bitch

Carlos: kill me and we both go down you skinny ass rooster brain

Doug: oh my god they got you too

(Everyone turns around to see Doug standing there looking downright haunted)

Carlos: Doug what are you doing here

Doug: mirrors are connected.

Carlos: right. Wanna help us free Audrey from the grim grinning ghosts?

Doug: eh sure why not. I’ve got nothing better to do until the spells broken.

Gil: yay. The normies are back in business. Shame Lon-Lon isn’t here though

Doug: who calls ya normies?

Gil: you had nightmares. Lots of them

Doug: those ice packs were from you?

Gil: yeah. When people have nightmares they get incredibly heated.

Carlos: this is true. Jay ices his hands when I have nightmares

Harry: hey, dipshit! Are we gonna talk or are we gonna obligate you?

Doug: it’s obliterate dickless. Not obligate

Harry: I don’t care

Audrey: *muffled sounds of protests*

Doug: yeah we’re not on you right now

Carlos: lemme talk to Uma. C’mon captain

(They walk a little way away from the others)

Uma: what?

Carlos: you don’t wanna do this

Uma: oh? Why not?

Carlos: because it interferes with your plans Uma. No matter how many times you say to the contrary. We know you. 9 times out of ten your need to one up and hurt Mal outweigh your desire to help the island. But I’m telling you. Let your altruism win out instead of your sadism. Not killing Audrey might not be fun. Believe. Jay Evie and I have fantasised about it many a time. But right here right now. Your best bet is to let bygones be bygones. Capiche?

Uma: no. Still gonna killer her

Carlos: I thought you’d say that

(This is when “I will not bow” happens. After the song Harry hurls the debris at Carlos who explodes it into to dust)

Carlos: so you really do have magic. I thought Evie siphoned it off?

Doug: it’s the “mother hauling a car off her child” reaction. Uma was in danger and Harry reacted instinctively

Carlos (sarcastically): perfect

Harry: and now, I’m gonna finish what I started in the alleyway

(His eyes glow blood red and he charges at Carlos. Who just peruses a few buttons on his wrist so a force fiend forms in front of him knocking the pirate off course. Harry roars in anger and his hair ignites in blood red flame. Gil punches him in the face and his hair goes out)

Carlos (utterly disgusted): oh. My. God.

(The brown is Harris hair has burned away to black)

Carlos: what the fuck. Is-is that natural or is it the ember?

Harry: you what?

Harriet: your hair. It’s black again.

Harry: no my hairs brown

Cj: no brother dear. Your hair is black. Again. Like it hasn’t been since you asked Uma to lather it in boot polish when you were six

Harry (absolutely traumatised): no! NO IT AINT

Doug: yes. Yes it is.

(He uses the selfie function on his phone camera as a mirror. Harry takes one look and screams in melancholy and assumes the foetal position)

Carlos: what the fuck

Cj (long suffering sigh): you see, my siblings hair is naturally black. Harriet is our fathers favourite. Harry is not. So Harry asked Uma to dye his hat brown when he was six. And hasn’t looked back since.

Carlos: and you

Cj: I’m a natural blonde. I’m Gil’s cousin. His mother’s the middle bimbette. My mother is the youngest bimbette.

Carlos: we would not be out of place in Storybrooke.

Doug and Gil: nope

Carlos: so! Here’s what we’re gonna do. Uma, you and the tweedle twits are gonna come with me back to the home side. Gil, I can count on you to untie miss priss?

Gil (cheerfully): Roger! Doug, you can come back with us

Carlos and Doug: no, absolutely not

Doug: I need need to stay here in the mirror world until my body wakes up. If I go through with you guys I’ll die.

Carlos: your body and mind are safe. You might need to hide. If you stay here. Evie will most certainly kill Audrey

(Audrey screams in protest)

Carlos: oh we all know she’ll blame you. She hates you enough as it is already. And if...fucks sake I can’t take you seriously looking like that (he rips the tape off her mouth ignoring her screams of pain) that’s much better. If she sees Doug in the Moore she will blame you and she will kill you

Audrey (conceding): that’s fair

Carlos: now. Let’s see, how am I going to do this. Oh! I know!

(He uses his exosuit to shove the girls through the mirror, not noticing Harry using his own magic to root Doug to the spot. Gil hoists up both Harry and Audrey and, together with Carlos jumps back to the real world. Once there Carlos makes Uma reverse the spell which she does without complaint)

Uma: you of course realise you are incredibly dangerous to people with that exosuit?

Carlos: That was the idea. Gil could you put Audrey on the bed please

Mal: what happened?

Carlos: oh the usual. Uma let her instincts get in the way of logical thinking.

Mal: of course

Evie: Doug? Doug! Oh my god. Doug wait right there

Carlos: shield Audrey

Mal: what

Carlos: trust me on this mom. This not going to end well

Harry (aside to Uma): watch this

(He uses magic to bring Doug, who’s futilely trying to get away, closer to the glass)

Evie (climbing up on the mantelpiece and tapping on the glass): Doug. Honey I’m here. What..what’s wrong? Why can’t I get through? Let me through. Let me through. Dammit let me through. Let me go to him for fucks sake let me through. (She starts banging on the glass with her fists) LET ME THROUGH. LEMME THROUGH. LET ME GO TO HIM LET ME THROUGH! PLEASE (her eyes start glowing and the mirror starts to crack) LET ME THROUGH LET ME THROUGH! (She starts sobbing). LET ME THROUGH. LET ME GO TO HIM. PLEAE

Carlos: jay get her, now!

(Jay lifts her up by the waist, still screaming and crying, and pulls her away from the mirror. Doings hands remain on the glass where hers were)

Evie (still crying): why can’t I why can’t why can’t I go to him? It should be easy I have magic Uma’s not that much more powerful than me I should be able to get through why can’t I get through? (She stops crying, jay lets her go and her voice evens out) you. You did this. He’s doing this because of you. It’s all YOUR FAULT

(She launches at Audrey intent on scratching the princesses eyes out but Jay and Gil grab her just in time)

Evie: LET ME KILL HER

Mal: no!

Evie: IF SHE DIES HE’LL STOP

Mal: but Maleficent won’t. Do you really want to take that chance?

Evie (extremely reluctantly): n...no

Mal: ok then. Put her down guys. And just where the hell are you going?

Uma (hand on the door handle): I can’t stay here. I. I just can’t. (Harry makes his way to her). And nobody! Nobody. Nobody, follow me

Harriet: you heard her Har. Stay here

(Uma leaves the room. She magically deadbolts and soundproofs the door and then sinks to the floor crying her eyes out. That is until she senses someone approaching her)

Uma (thickly): go away. There’s an attack on this dump. People are dropping like bats. Find a nice soft spot to collapse if you know what’s good for you

Adam: I know there’s an attack on the school dear. I’m part of it you see. Don’t bother getting up. This will be over quickly. I just wanted to tell you that what’s about to happen is entirely deserved.

Uma: you’re him aren’t you? Beast

Adam: THAT’S NOT MY... (he takes a deep breath). That’s not my name. My name is Adam

Uma: yeah don’t care. To us you’re the beast. The bastard boogeyman who damned to the island

Adam: like I said it was deserved

Uma (scoffing): huh! Deserved? Really? You really think what you did to us was deserved? How fucking delusional can you get?

Adam: no more delusional than you thinking that I can be stoppped.

Uma: what did she offer you?

Adam: my kingdom back. And your kind flung back to the scrap heap where you all belong.

Uma: not if I have anything to do about it

Adam (scoffing): what can you do. You’re a child who’s oh so very far from home. And I’m a man with years of experience.

Uma: you’re a crackpot, corrupt politician. And I have magic that you cannot even begin to comprehend

Adam: is that so?

Uma: damn straight. I can tear you apart without even touching you.

Adam: care to put that to the test?

Uma: your move. Five paces?

Adam: of course

(They move to opposite sides of the corridor. This is when “calling all the monsters” happens. After the song Adam slashes off one of her tentacles and she falls to the ground screaming in pain. While all this is going on Harry is desperately trying to open the door)

Hadie: Harry it’s no use. She’s deadbolted it. It won’t be lifted until she chooses to.

Harry: there has to be a way. Use me as a battering ram

Carlos: nobody here wants to touch you

Harry: have you got any right ideas?

Jay: it’s bright ideas. And we don’t want you to be happy so why would we help you

(At the mantlepiece Evie’s got an idea)

Mal: there’s no guarantee that’d work Evie

Evie: I have to do something. I can’t just leave him there. He shouldn’t be alone. Please if blood or, or family mean anything to you then help me make sure he’s not alone.

Mal: I’m doing this for Doug and Doug only. Let’s see here (she flips through the spell book) damn. What you want to do counts as love. Sorry.

Hadie: what’s counts as love

Mal: Evie wants to send part of her consciousness into the mirror to keep Doug company. But her love for him is the driving factor. And Maleficent ripped out and burned the last one hundred pages of the book contains love spells because real feelings need to be there for it to work and according to her I’m not worthy of love.

Cj: she’s a smart lady

(Mal clicks her fingers, CJ’s leg snaps in two and she collapses in pain)

Hadie: restoration spell?

Mal: at the coronation. It didn’t work.

Hadie: May I?

Mal: go ahead.

(Hadie takes the book, flips it and mutters a spell in Ancient Greek. The book glows bright steely grey then returns to normal. He opens the book and the pages are restored)

Evie (pulling him into a bear hug): thank you thank you thank you

Mal: you’re gonna have to do it. The spell is incredibly painful. It says here part of you has to be physically ripped out for it to work. And our friendship is tenuous at best. So it’s best if you do it. Audrey get in the crawl space. Jay shield Gil. Carlos c’mere. The blowback could be dangerous to mortals

Cj: pardon me for asking but what of my siblings and I?

Mal: I don’t care about you

Evie: if this doesn’t work?

Hadie: then Doug will remain asleep until Maleficent is defeated

Evie (voice breaking): then dont fuck it up. Please

Hadie (chuckling sadly): I promise I’ll try not to. Ready

Evie: do it

(He takes the ember, puts it in the middle of her forehead and starts chanting in Ancient Greek. Evie starts to glow bright blue. Then she starts screaming in pain. Blue light shoots out of her hands and face. Harriet gets thrown into the wall followed by Cj. Harry, still trying to wrest the door open, gets thrown into a large Ming vase. Jay, Mal, Carlos, Hadie, Evie and Gil stay standing. Celia remains on the bed. The light stops. Evie nearly collapses but Hadie catches her)

Jay: wow. Is that?

Evie: he’s what I see yeah

(A ghostly version of Doug’s standing in front of them. He’s dressed like a vk. Everything about him from skinn to clothes to eyes is completely blue all over and glowing)

Evie: go through the mirror. Go to Doug. Be whatever he needs you to be. I’ll be fine. Just go to Doug. Now.

(Ghostly Doug turns to smoke and floats through the mirror. His form changes to Evie in her coronation dress. The front of her loosely braided and pinned back. Real Doug looks completely shocked)

Evie: oh! Ohhhh dear. This isn’t what you wanted. Do you want me in jeans? I can wear jeans if you’d prefer. Or is the hair not right. I know! It’s the shoes. Haha. Wrong shoes

(Doug pulls her into a hug which she returns relievedly)

Doug: you look perfect. You always do. But how

Evie: magic. I’m not really her. I’m just part of her consciousness.

Doug: of course.

Evie: do you really like the dress?

Doug: yes. It’s Evie’s favourite so its my favourite

Evie: you’re incredibly sweet did you know that?

Doug: no.

Evie: why not?

Doug: because nobody’s ever said that to me before

Evie: well you are. Sweet brave kind and

Doug: I’m sorry. I tried to protect the twins and I’m sorry. Maleficent got to them. I failed.

Evie: what Maleficent and chad do isn’t your fault.

Doug: I—

Evie: she knows. Trust me. She knows

Doug: it’s really difficult to say

Evie: I know. That’s what makes it important

Doug (chuckling): so uh. What do we do now?

Evie: we wait. We wait until we win.

Doug: and until then.

Evie: we could

Doug: no.

Evie: damn. Worth a try

Doug: always.

Evie: how about a dance. You can practice here and wow Evie later

Doug: sounds good to me

Evie: you lead?

Doug: I’ve offered to let Evie lead but she always insists on letting me lead

Evie: she’s a smart girl

Doug: yes. Yes she is. May I have this dance

Evie: yes sir you may

(This is when “come what may” happens. As this happens Uma’s pained screams undo the soundproofing spell she put on the door alerting everyone else to her predicament)

[changesxnight]

The gang as Gen Z?

- when I saw Gen Z, I mean the millennial-gen z hybrid that was born from 1997-2003 - the best generation- aka my generation (and most of ours) so prepare for this to be long

- Darry was born in ‘98- that makes Sodapop and Steve 2001 babies and Ponyboy a 2004 kid HAHA WHAT A BABY- so Johnny was born in 2002 whereas Dallas and Two-Bit were born in 2000- you better believe that when Dallas learns Pone was born in 2004, he makes fun of him for it constantly. like “Pone’s 14. Makes sense. WAIT HE WAS BORN IN 2004? WHAT IS HE, SIX??”

- the economic crisis in 2008 wasn’t kind to the Curtises. A lot of their clothes were second hand, or in Pone’s case, hand-me-downs- They got most of their toys from yard sales too- Because of this, they really connect with 90s kids cause they got old 90s toys

- The gang grew up with the best shows - The boys didn’t like Victorious but loved iCarly?? okay - Darry loved Boy Meets World You can fight me on this. He watches reruns every day after school- Dallas, Steve and Two loved cartoons. Especially Total Drama, Chowder, Ben 10, Johnny Bravo, Codename: Kids Next Door, Flapjack, Johnny Test and Camp Lazlo- Two-Bit, Dallas and Steve are Ed, Edd n Eddy- Darry won’t admit it, but he LOVED the Powerpuff Girls. Two-Bit, on the other hand, will admit it. He even had a crush on Blossom

- Since Brenda, Two-Bit’s sister, is significantly younger than him, he saves all their VHS tapes of his favorite movies- he also only lets her watch reruns of his favorite shows

- y’know how we made Pone’s red bouncy balls a meme? well he had a blast as a 2000s kid- got them at every yard sale - bouncy balls are all over the house. when he’s like seventeen, they’re still haunting him

- Ponyboy watched General Hospital with Johnny after school when no one was around - He won’t ever admit this and the only proof they ever did is in Ponyboy’s journal (diary)

- y’know Malcolm in the Middle? that’s the Curtis Brothers - someone Ponyboy is Malcolm AND Dewey at once- NO- Johnny is Dewey

can you tell I watched a lot of tv as a kid?

- Dallas used to steal candy - his favorite were the push pops that came with the sour juice. y’know what I’m talking about?? - Steve would call him a baby if he ever caught Dal with a Baby Bottle Pop

- y’know those off brand composition notebooks we got in elementary and middle school?- Ponyboy has always loved to write and he used to fill those things up - on average, he went through two composition notebooks a year- and his teachers knew he was a good writer. even in first grade, he paid attention to his descriptions

- Dally’s father didn’t care what he watched, so Dallas grew up on Adult Swim and Fox cartoons- shit like King of the Hill, Family Guy, Bob’s Burgers and the Simpsons- he also loved Tim and Eric sketches

- when the Curtis boys couldn’t sleep, they’d watch late night shows with their parents until they fell asleep - so Dare, Pone and Sodes have faint, distant memories of shows like Home Improvement, that one George Lopez show, Friends, Full House, Boy Meets World,

- there were a LOT of weird food things that companies made in the 2000s and lemme tell you, Sodapop has tried them all- he fuckin’ loves sprayable cheese- and totally made s’mores in the toaster oven

- Dallas got his sass from Judge Judy sorry I don’t make the rules

- the gang loves watching game shows and playing along with the contestants - Dallas screams at the tv when people give stupid answers

- the Curtis boys loved Full House- Darry had a crush on older D.J., Pony had a crush on Stephanie and Sodapop wants a daughter like Michelle - Mr. and Mrs. Curtis liked that their boys watched wholesome shows. They were totally oblivious to what they watched when over at Dal or Steve’s houses

- Johnny loved webkinz but couldn’t afford them- well, his parents never got them for him- the Curtises would though and he still has them in his closet

- you best believe they all have depression now- and they’re really stressed cause of school- and broke cause everything is so expensive but minimum wage hasn’t budged in so long- they’re just like us, guys!

- Two-Bit destroyed his furby because it creeped him out

- Ponyboy, whenever driving in the car, would imagine someone beside the car that could only travel by walking on fences, jumping from cracks of sunlight between tree shadows or just plan followed them along beside the car- (Apparently this is a sign of an active imagination??) - Sodapop still does this- Ponyboy just day dreams about his current story

- Two-Bit refuses to acknowledge the new Disney and Nickelodeon - old school Disney and Nick or none at all- he’s just really disappointed in his three favorite channels

- Ponyboy and Soda’s room was once littered with Hot Wheels cars - you can still find them under their bed or in the closet corners

- when Dallas was a freshman and sophomore, he had an iPhone where he illegally downloaded about 1000 songs - most of them are 2000s emo music (he was in high school from 2014-2018) - he wishes he was old enough to be a true emo in that era- but he keeps his music taste a secret and pretends he listens to modern rock- but he totally listens to 80s-00s rock, punk and all the classics

- they all love memes- Dally, Steve and Two like offensive memes where as Soda and Two like surreal memes - Darry uses iFunny to find his memes, Ponyboy and Johnny use Instagram and Steve, Two, Dal and Soda use Reddit like the rest of us - the four of them make reddit videos and I’m notonna lie, they’re fucking hilarious (even though all they do is earrape and curse)

I could go on forever but here’s the gang was Gen Z and honestly?? I love it. Let’s change the book. It didn’t come out in ‘67, J.T. came out in ‘17.

[eddiemylovc]

Cupid’s Choice - Part 3

Pairing: Reddie

Words: 5,035

Other Chapters: Part 1, Part 2

A/N: So this is the last chapter, thank you to everyone who read this! I might do one more chapter but who knows we’ll see :)

Summary: Eddie and Richie's Valentine's Day double date with Ben and Beverly.

AO3 Link

Eddie's room is in shambles. Every piece of clothing he owns is strewn all over the floor; he can't decide on a single outfit. He doesn't know why this should even be such a big deal, anyways. He's never cared that much about what he wears before. It's not like he's trying to impress anybody. Is he?

In one-hour Richie will be here to pick Eddie up for their double date and then they'll be meeting Ben and Beverly at the Derry bowling alley. Before panic starts to settle in, Eddie finally narrows his choices down to two and snaps a picture of himself in each outfit to send to Beverly so she can help him decide. After all she does want the best for him.

Eddie: Please! Help! Me! I'm having a crisis and Richie will be here in an hour! Idk which one, 1 or 2?!?!?

In a rush and without realising what he's doing, Eddie presses send just as he sees that he's sent the photos to Richie by mistake. "Fuck! " Eddie curses out loud. "No, no, no, no, no! Shit!"

His mother knocks on his door. "Eddie? Are you alright? What's going on?"

"I'm fine, Ma! I just...uh—stubbed my toe! I'm okay!" Eddie says as he taps furiously on his phone like it's going to help him in this situation.

"Okay...well, be a little more careful next time, sweetie. I'll be in my room if you need me."

Eddie types out a new text.

Eddie: Omg please ignore that, it was meant to go to Bev.

Eddie throws his phone to the side and lies back on his bed. "I'm so fucked."

His phone dings. He groans in embarrassment as he grabs it and checks the message.

Richie: Wooooww Eds, looking snazzy! Didn't know this date would be such a cause for a fashion crisis! I hope u know that my heart is now swelling at the thought of my opinion meaning so much to you ;)

Eddie rolls his eyes and types out a reply.

Eddie: Who uses the word snazzy anymore? And I don’t care about your opinion dickhead, I just wanna look good for me is that ok with you? :p

Eddie's phone dings again.

Richie: Uhh I do. Have u even met me?? But that is perfectly fine with me, I love a man who’s confident

Richie: And I would go for option 2 btw. Although no matter what you wear I know that you'll look beautiful.

Richie: As always

Eddie feels his cheeks heat up at that. He fails to hold back a smile as the adrenaline dies down from his little mishap. Eddie knows that compliment doesn't really mean anything—Richie’s just teasing him again—and that there’s a possibility they’ll never stay in touch after tonight, but his heart can't help but pound at the thought of Richie seeing him as beautiful.

Eddie: …

Eddie: Shut up.

Before Eddie can become any more of a love-sick idiot, he sets his phone down again and decides to wear option one instead of giving into what Richie wants, so that he doesn't appear too desperate. Also because he’s stubborn as hell.

He finishes up getting ready and before he knows it Richie is ringing the doorbell. Eddie leaves his room to answer the door.

"Who's at the door?" his mother yells from her room upstairs.

"It's just Beverly, Ma!" Eddie lies. "I'm going out with her and Ben for Valentine’s Day, remember?"

"Right. Don't be out too late then, and make sure you dress warmly. It's chilly out there!"

"Yes, Ma!" Eddie grabs his jacket and opens the door to see Richie with a bouquet of flowers. He steps outside and shuts the door behind him.

Richie looks him up and down and smiles. "So, you went with option one I see, even after my advice.” He shakes his head. “Tsk, tsk. Either way you look adorable, Eds."

"Look, I told you it was meant for Beverly, not you. I don't need your validation." Eddie won’t say it but he thinks Richie looks adorable as well.

"Ouch. Whatever you say, Spagheds." He steps forward and leans in to give Eddie a kiss on the cheek. He hands him the flowers. "Happy Valentine's Day."

Once again Eddie doesn't point out that they're not actually dating and have no one to prove to, now. He guesses he's gotten used to Richie's affection by now.

Wrong.

"Thank you, they’re beautiful. You really didn't have to, though, especially after the giant bear you already gave me."

Richie just shrugs. "I like to spoil people."

"I didn't even get you anything," Eddie says. He feels a little bad.

"Don't worry about it. Your existence is good enough of a gift for me."

Eddie scoffs and rolls his eyes. "Jerk."

"Oh, and also," Richie takes another step closer to Eddie and takes one of the flowers "here's a great way to make your option number one look look even better." He gently places the flower in Eddie's hair behind his ear, letting his fingers linger in his hair for a moment—Eddie's breath hitches—before stepping back. "Voila! Amazing."

"Uh, thanks, I guess? Can we go now? They'll be waiting for us there."

"Sure thang." Richie points finger guns at him.

They drive to the bowling alley with Eddie lecturing him not to embarass him in front of Ben and Beverly. Richie's only response is that he can't 'make any promises'. Eddie elbows him.

Once they reach the bowling alley, they walk inside to meet Eddie’s two friends. He spots Beverly and she waves at him excitedly before bouncing over to give him a tight hug. “Eddie! I’m so glad you made it!”

“Hey, Bev! Hey, Ben!” He pats Ben on the back.

“Great to see you, Eddie,” Ben replies with a smile.

They both look over at Richie. Eddie introduces him to them. “Richie, this is my best friend, Beverly Marsh, and her boyfriend, Ben Hanscom. Guys, this is my date, Richie Tozier, who I was unfortunately matched up with on a matchmaker website, as you may have known.”

Richie hits Eddie’s arm playfully for that before shaking both of his friends’ hands. “I’m actually his other half, he just doesn’t know it yet. Cupid even said so.”

Beverly laughs and raises her eyebrows up at Eddie. “Ignore him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about ninety percent of the time,” Eddie protests.

“Ninety-five percent of the time, actually,” Richie says.

“Wow, well, I’m glad you found someone, Eddie,” Beverly says.

“See, Eds? At least someone can appreciate my wonderful existence,” Richie claims. Eddie scoffs.

“Well, shall we get bowling, my friends?” Ben cuts in.

“Oh, I am so kicking all of your asses at bowling!” Richie shouts. “Y’all better be prepared.”

Eddie snorts. “Wait till you see Beverly out there, you should be the one preparing to get your ass kicked!”

“Eddie, stop, I’m blushing!” Beverly cries.

“Hmm, I don’t know, we’ll see about that,” Richie says. “But you are so on, Miss Marsh!”

They take time to set up and grab their lane. When they go to grab their bowling shoes, Richie nearly cries at how tiny Eddie’s feet are when he sees his shoe size. Eddie flushes furiously. “Don’t make fun of me when you’ve got clown feet!”

“Hey, you know what they say about a man with big feet. But, I take pride in my feet and you should too! Every inch of you is adorable, including your little feet,” he teases. “And other things. I imagine.”

Eddie pushes him over while he’s bent down tying his shoes.

Once they’re at their lane, Richie takes the responsibility of putting in each of their names, ignoring all of their protests.

Ben Handsome Molly Ringwald Edward Spaghedward The Man, The Myth, The Legend

“Really? You are so full of yourself,” Eddie comments.

“Just wait, you’re gonna see it’s true when I beat you all,” Richie says as he points at them. He claps his hands. “Alright, Benny Boy! You’re first up!”

Ben steps up while Beverly hypes him up. “Woohoo! Let’s go Ben!!!”

He ends up with a strike on his first try. Beverly cheers wildly and gives him a cheerful kiss on the lips as he picks her up and spins her around. Eddie is very impressed to say the least. “Good job, Ben!” Eddie says to him while giving him a high-five as he sits down.

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves an underdog!” Richie exclaims in an announcer’s voice.

“Let’s see you do that, Richie,” Eddie says to him.

“Oh, you just wait, little one. I’ve got some pretty handy tricks up my sleeve.”

Beverly starts off nicely with a spare. Eddie high-fives her as he gets up for his turn.

Richie pretends to be a cheerleader behind him. “Let’s go, Spaghetti, let’s go!”

Eddie grabs a ball and prepares to roll it. “Nice ass, Kaspbrak!” Richie shouts from behind. Eddie gives him the finger. On his first try the ball ends up in the gutter, while on his second try he knocks down six pins.

“Better luck next time, Eds! Now, watch and learn as the real master steps up to the plate.” Richie gets up. He grabs a ball and steps up to the lane. He does a little dance move and blows on the ball dramatically, like he’s preparing it to get him a strike. Eddie laughs fondly at his act. He rolls the ball and it ends up knocking down all the pins in the middle, leaving one on each side. Richie curses. “Fuck!” Eddie laughs harder; the others are laughing, too. On his second try he doesn’t hit any of the pins and the ball ends up in the gutter.

“That was just a warm up so it doesn’t count. You just wait,” Richie says as he sits down beside Eddie.

“God, how long are we supposed to wait for—till Christmas? You can keep saying that, but I don’t believe you. My money’s on Ben or Beverly.”

“Aww, what a supportive boyfriend you are!” Richie pinches his cheek.

Eddie pushes his hand away. “Okay, first of all, you’re not my boyfriend, and second of all, it’s just facts.”

“And what about yourself? What if you win?”

“I already know I suck at bowling and I think you need to face the fact that you do, too,” Eddie teases.

Richie scoffs. “Harsh. Guess who’s not getting you anymore teddy bears or flowers then? I only spoil the people that actually appreciate me and my bowling skills.”

“You don’t have any skills.”

“I think your mom would have to disagree with you on that one, Eds.”

“Bowling skills. Don’t be gross.”

“Eddie! It’s your turn! Are you done flirting?” Beverly interrupts.

Eddie gets up for his turn and the rest of the game goes by fairly quickly, the four of them completely enjoying themselves. During each of Richie’s turns he does a dramatic warm up before rolling the ball. He even manages to get in trouble at least once by one of the employees for sliding halfway down the lane on his knees when he rolls the ball. Eddie’s cheeks start to hurt from smiling so hard. He teases Richie for his ridiculousness but he secretly loves seeing him up there all smiley and goofy. Eventually, Richie finally gets his well-deserved strike and Eddie can’t help but feel happy for him after he’s been trying so hard to get one and claiming he’s the best. They all go wild when it happens.

“WOOOOO!” Richie yells. He picks Eddie up and spins him around excitedly. Eddie is laughing so hard he can barely breathe. Richie sets him down again. “And THAT’S how it’s done, folks!” he preaches.

“It only took you—'the master of bowling’—umm, how many turns?” Ben says. Eddie and Beverly tear up laughing.

Eddie turns towards Richie. “Only because you’ve been trying so hard, I guess I’ll give you a reward.” He plants a soft kiss on Richie’s cheek. Richie beams. Beverly and Ben cheer.

“Man, I need to get a strike more often,” Richie gushes.

“Don’t worry, I can teach ya,” Beverly says, winking at him.

When the game finishes, Beverly does end up kicking all of their asses and lands in first place. Ben ends up in second place, while Richie ends up in third with Eddie not too far behind him in fourth. Beverly brags about her win while Richie rolls his eyes. “I think what matters most here is that we all tried our best. There shouldn’t be any winners or losers because we’re a team,” he says. The rest of them groan in response.

“Now, anyone hungry?” Beverly asks. “There’s a restaurant next door I was thinking we could go to. Plus, I hear it’s karaoke night! ” she sings excitedly.

“Oh no,” Eddie cringes. “Please, no.”

“Oh yes!” Richie says.

“Richie, if you get up there and sing horribly, I’ll officially act as if I don’t know you.”

“You won’t have to do that because I’ll make you come up there with me,” he teases.

Eddie laughs. “Yeah, we’ll see about that,” he says, challenging him.

They walk over to the restaurant and grab a booth somewhat close to the karaoke stage. Ben slides in beside Beverly while Eddie slides in beside Richie across from them. They chat while they look through the menu, deciding what they want to eat. Later, a waiter comes over to their table and introduces himself before taking each of their orders. Once he leaves, Richie sits back in the booth and smoothly places an arm around the back of it, behind Eddie. Eddie subtly leans into him, trying not to think about their fake date from yesterday.

“So, has anyone noticed how cute little Eds looks here, tonight?” Richie smirks. Eddie elbows him. Both Ben and Beverly laugh.

“You do look very cute, Eddie,” Beverly says. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear that sweater before. It suits you.” She smiles.

Eddie blushes. “Thanks.”

“What’s with the flower, though?” she asks, tapping her head.

Eddie forgot it was even there.

“It was my own personal touch,” Richie says. “Did he tell you about his little mishap he had earlier?” he mentions. Eddie puts his head in his hands and groans.

“Please don’t.”

That sparks Beverly’s interest. She looks at Eddie curiously. “No, he didn’t. What did he do?”

Eddie starts to explain. “It was just a stupid text message meant to go t-”

Richie cuts him off. “Well, it turns out he was having a fashion crisis and couldn’t decide on what outfit to wear so he-”

Eddie clamps a hand over his mouth. “Please don’t listen to him. He’s wrong.”

Richie removes his hand. “So he snapped a couple pictures—which were like, selfie goals by the way, we love a fashion icon—and he sent them to me asking which one I liked better and I just felt so flattered that he wanted my opinion. Then he started making excuses about how it was meant to go to you, Beverly, and that it was a mistake. I didn’t believe him so I gave him my opinion anyway and he didn’t even listen! But he still looks amazing so it doesn’t matter.” Richie beams at him.

Eddie scoffs. “I fucking told you, they really were meant to go to Bev, and I also said I didn’t need your opinion I just couldn’t make a decision!”

“Excuses, excuses.” He shakes his head.

“Hmm, I never ended up receiving these photos. Suspicious. Why is that, Eddie?” Beverly says. She smiles mischievously.

Richie gasps. “The plot thickens!”

“Because I finally came to a decision, is that alright with you all?” Eddie argued.

“It’s okay, I believe you, Eddie,” Ben says and smiles.

Eddie places a hand over Ben’s arm across the table. “You always were my favorite, Ben.” He pretends to tear up. Richie and Beverly try to catch their breath from laughing so hard.

“You’re always so fun to tease, Eds,” Richie says. Beverly gives Eddie a suspicious look at that but doesn’t say anything.

“I like you, Tozier,” she says.

“And I you, Miss Marsh,” he replies. They high-five across the table.

The waiter comes around with each of their drinks. “So, how long have you two been dating?” Richie says after the waiter leaves, pointing at Ben and Beverly.

“Over two years now, I believe,” Ben replies. He looks at Beverly with one of the most loving expressions Eddie has ever seen. Beverly places a hand over his and squeezes it, smiling at him. Eddie was so happy for them when he learned that they were dating. He always knew Ben was the one for Beverly and that he would treat her how she deserves to be treated. He admires their love.

“Wow, think we could last that long, Eds?” Richie teases. Eddie nearly chokes on his drink.

“Okay, so, fill me in. How did you two meet?” Ben asks.

“I made Eddie sign up for a matchmaker website and the rest is history,” Beverly says.

“Ohhh, right, Eddie said that.”

“I’m still debating whether or not I’m glad I was matched up with Trashmouth, here,” Eddie jokes.

Richie scoffs. “Admit it, you were so overwhelmingly happy when you saw it was someone as pretty as me you didn’t know what to do with yourself.”

“Pfft, keep dreaming.”

I’m actually so glad it was you—even though I didn’t know you, I think a part of me already did.

Eddie cringes at his own sappy thoughts.

Did I really just think that?

“Wait, so how long have you known each other, then?” Ben says.

Richie and Eddie look at each other, trying to decide how to answer this. Richie lets Eddie answer. “Uh, well the meeting after we were matched together was two days ago, so, not that long.”

“Really? You’ve only met once? You’d’ve convinced me you’ve known each other forever. You two seem fairly close.”

Eddie laughs nervously. “Yeah, I guess you could say we’ve hit it off together.” Beverly looks at him like she knows there’s something more to that.

“Like how I hit it off with your mom?”

Eddie elbows him again. “Shut up. We bond well together.”

They all laugh.

“You two do make a great pair,” Beverly says and winks at them before taking a sip of her drink.

“I completely agree with you on that one,” Richie says. He moves his arm down so that it’s now placed around Eddie. He starts to draw small circles on Eddie’s shoulder with his finger. Chills run through him at that one point of contact.

A little while later their food arrives and they dig in. Oh, and guess what Richie ordered? That’s right; spaghetti. He makes googly eyes at Eddie the whole time while he eats it. Eddie laughs and rolls his eyes at him.

“That was good, but it wasn’t as delicious as you, Eddie,” Richie says once they finish up.

“Oh, really? Because this chicken tasted way better than you,” Eddie replies. Then he realises what he’s just said.

“Tasted?” Beverly asks with a smirk.

“I was kidding,” he says quickly.

“Damn right you were kidding because I taste amazing,” Richie says.

Everyone groans.

“Welp, I gotta make my way to the little boy’s room. Scoot your cute little ass over, Eds,” Richie orders.

“Yeah, me too,” Ben adds.

Eddie moves to let Richie get out of the booth.

“Y’all don’t have too much fun without us while we’re gone,” Richie jokes.

As they leave, Beverly rests her chin on her hand and smirks at Eddie.

“What?” Eddie rolls his eyes.

“You know what,” she says. “I think he’s pretty cute. And funny. Looks very much to be your type.”

Eddie scoffs. “I didn’t even know I had a ‘type’, how would you know what it is?”

“Oh honey, with the way you’ve been looking at him I think everyone can tell he’s your type.”

Eddie’s cheeks heat up. “He’s really something, isn’t he?”

Beverly smiles fondly. “He really is. Although, I was wondering, are you sure you two have only met once? Is there something you’re not telling me?” she teases.

Eddie sighs. “Alright, you caught me. But it was the only way!”

“What was?”

“When we met, I told him that I needed a date for Valentine’s Day because I was gonna be going on a double date and I wanted to make you happy that I found someone, or at least tried to. Then he told me that he was looking for someone to be his fake date because he had an ex that wouldn’t leave him alone so he wanted someone who would help him convince them that he’s moved on. Basically, we made a deal that if I went on this fake date with him, he would come on this double date with me and vice versa. It sounds stupid, but that’s what we agreed on and now here we are.”

“I can’t believe you’re only telling me this now!” She isn’t mad at him, though. Only surprised (and overjoyed) that there’s more to their story that he didn’t tell her. “So, does this mean you’ve been on the fake date already and that’s why you’re already fairly comfortable with each other? Oh my God, how far did you guys even go with it?!”

“Yeah, I guess. It was actually a lot of fun, Bev. I’ll tell you more about it later.”

“Oh man, I can’t wait to hear this story!” she beams. “Will you still see each other after this, though? I really hope you do, I love how you light up around him.”

Eddie looks down and frowns, picks at his nails. “I don’t really know…” I hope so. “We haven’t talked about it.”

“Well, I wish you happiness, Eddie.” She smiles at him. Eddie smiles back.

Ben and Richie emerge from the washroom. Richie plops down beside Eddie. He pinches his cheek. “Hey, did you miss me?”

Eddie shrugs him off. “So much, Rich.”

Richie grins. “I knew it.”

Someone taps the mic on the mini stage up front. “Alright, folks, who’s ready for some karaoke?!” People around them cheer and clap.

Richie smirks at Eddie evilly. “Don’t you dare,” Eddie mouths.

“Now, because it’s Valentines Day, we have a special collection of love songs selected for tonight! Who would like to be our first singer of the night?”

Richie’s hand flies up. Eddie sinks down in the booth.

And of course, they pick him. Because no one else raised their hand. Of course.

“Looks like we have our first volunteer! Come on up!”

Richie bounds up to the stage excitedly, at least not dragging Eddie with him. Beverly and Ben cheer for him. Eddie turns to watch him.

He picks through the selection of songs before finally choosing one. Eddie notices a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Oh God, what is he gonna do?

The music starts playing and Eddie recognises the song almost instantly. Beverly laughs and hollers.

Richie starts singing, not even having to look at the lyrics. It’s almost like he’s been preparing for this.

I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation…

Eddie laughs at the ridiculousness of it all. He can’t believe he’s doing this. The audience is practically singing along with him.

…He turned to me as if to say, "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

Richie does a little dance as the chorus comes around.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Eddie is absolutely mesmerised by this boy. His singing voice, Eddie will admit, is not that bad. Once the chorus comes around again, that’s when Richie makes his move. He walks off the stage and walks towards Eddie.

Oh no.

Richie points at him.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

He grabs Eddie’s hand.

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

Eddie glares daggers at him as he pulls him up while winking at him. Beverly and Ben are laughing and cheering.

I bless the rains down in Africa

Eddie is flushing bright red, but he can’t stop his own laughter.

Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

Then, still holding his hand, Richie drags Eddie up on stage with him. Eddie grabs the other mic and they sing the remainder of the song together; Richie’s confidence starting to rub off on Eddie. They point and smile at each other as they sing the lyrics and by that point, Eddie forgets the audience is even there. Richie twirls Eddie around.

The song finishes and everyone claps. They walk back to their table. Eddie is high on adrenaline. “I can’t believe we just did that!”

“I think that’s definitely been the highlight of my year, so far,” Beverly says.

“I told you I’d make you come up there with me, Eds.”

“Yeah, and I’m not sure if I hate you for it or not.”

“I think you enjoyed it,” Beverly teases.

“You guys were amazing, that was hilarious!” Ben gushes.

Richie puts his arm around Eddie. “We make quite the duo, don’t we?”

After they’ve calmed down a little bit, the waiter comes with the bill and they head out the door after tipping him.

Richie gives big hugs to Ben and Beverly before they say goodbye to each other.

“It was great meeting you both! I feel honoured to have met you guys.”

“Aww, you too, Richie,” Beverly says. She bounces over to give Eddie a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see ya later then. We need to have another little talk, just us.” She smirks.

Eddie sighs. “We will, I promise.”

Ben and Beverly walk to their car while waving goodbye.

Richie and Eddie yell bye to them, before Richie shouts, “Don’t let things get too wild in the bedroom tonight!”

Eddie hits his arm. “Richie!”

“Ow! What? It is Valentine’s Day.” Richie snickers.

They walk to Richie’s car and he drives Eddie home. Richie talks about how much he enjoyed himself and how he really loved Eddie’s friends. Eddie doesn’t say much, he’s too busy wondering if him and Richie will continue to see each other or not and what will happen after this. He isn’t sure how to bring it up to him, or if he should.

Once they pull up in Eddie’s driveway, Eddie notices that Richie has started to look a little sad. He smiles but it looks kind of forced. “I’ll walk you to your door,” he says.

“Okay…”

They get out of his car and walk up the porch steps. They stop in front of the door. Eddie turns towards him. “Thank you for coming tonight, Richie. I truly did have a fun time and I think Beverly seemed pretty happy for me,” Eddie professes. “I really liked having you there,” he hints, hoping Richie will get the idea that he wants to see him again.

He doesn’t.

“You’re so sweet, Eds. I’m touched.” He puts his hand on his heart.

Silence passes between them as they stand there for a few moments, not knowing what to say or do next. Then, Richie pulls Eddie into a hug. Eddie notices right away how warm he is in comparison to the cold. Eddie buries his face in Richie’s shoulder and wraps his arms around his waist. Eddie softens into the hug; he can feel Richie’s breath tickle his ear. They stand there for a minute before Richie pulls away. Eddie feels the lost of his warmth immediately. He stands there awkwardly, arguing with himself in his head on what to say.

Do it! Just tell him you want to see him again! He obviously likes you! Now’s your chance!

“Well, I’ll see you later,” Eddie says and turns towards the door.

Idiot.

“Wait.” Richie grabs his arm. Eddie looks at him. “Will I see you later, though? Because…I mean—our deal—'we don’t have to see each other again after this’.” He makes air quotes with his fingers. “I’ve never been happier than I have in these last two days. I want to see you again, Eddie. But I’m not sure if you wanna see me.”

He pouts. Eddie thinks he looks adorable. “I-”

“And don’t feel like I’m forcing you or anything,” Richie interrupts. “I just—I really…like you.” He smiles self-consciously.

Eddie laughs and shakes his head. “You idiot.”

Richie looks confused. “What?”

“You absolute dumbass.” Eddie sighs. “I—I like you, too. And I want to see you again.”

Richie’s face lights up. “Wait, really?”

“Yes!” Eddie takes a step closer to him. He plays with a loose button on Richie’s coat. “Now, please just shut up and kiss me, Trashmouth.”

Richie smiles wide. Eddie smiles back. “Aye aye, Captain!” Richie says. He steps closer before leaning down and bringing their lips together. The kiss is slow and soft and comforting all at once. Eddie pulls him closer and they smile into the kiss. Eddie feels something warm stir in his stomach as their lips part and Eddie knows he wants this for forever. Richie brings a hand up to Eddie’s cheek when they pull away and kisses his forehead. Eddie looks up at him fondly.

“You and those fucking doe eyes,” Richie says. He pushes a strand of Eddie’s hair away. “I’m taking you on a real date next time, just the two of us.”

“What? No more exes to fool? Dang it,” Eddie jokes.

“Your mom, maybe, but I’ve got no one else in mind.”

Eddie laughs. “Gross.”

“I don’t need to fool anyone now that I’ve got everything I want right here.” Richie boops Eddie’s nose. Again.

Eddie scrunches his nose. “I still hate that.”

Richie smiles at him. “I know you do.”

taglist: @fucking-reddie @pennys-pet-kitty @missingstanleyuris @somenates27 @geckolover001 @peachsccne

[richie-txzier]

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This (Who Am I To Disagree?)

Request: Can you do a Stenbrough soulmate story?!! I loved the Reddie one so much it was great.

Requester: @kylieee827-blog​

Pairing(s): Bill Denbrough x Stan Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak x Richie Tozier

Warning: Lil sad, but Richie’s there so it’s okay

Author: Admin Tozier

Note: A lot of you were wondering wtf Bill wanted in Paraprosexia (Spoiler Alert: He was having a gay crisis), so consider this a prequel/sequel/add-on to not only answer that question but give you a Stenbrough Soulmate AU as well! I started to write this and suddenly it was 3k words later and we hadn’t even got to Buttercup’s yet and I was like yikes so consider this Chapter 1!

Extra Note: GEORGIE IS ALIVE BECAUSE FUCK YOU STEPHEN, THAT’S WHY

Actual Useful Extra Note: The basis to this Soulmate AU is that on the night of your 17th birthday you have a dream featuring your soulmate. You see their face and hear their name, and for every consecutive birthday after that, you have a dream featuring them again and again until you find them. I’d say I created it, but most likely it’s a mash-up of every other Soulmate AU other there, so feel free if you’d like to use it! (:

Paraprosexia , Chapter 1 (YOU ARE HERE), Chapter 2, Chapter 3

23:58pm

23:59pm

00:00am

Bill let out a deep breath, the panic-inducing feeling of tears, a constricted chest and frozen limbs ebbing away in the early morning darkness. As his eyes met the ceiling, his hands coiling together to relieve the lingering anxiety, he first figured that he didn’t really feel any different. He was 17 now. 17 years of waiting for this exact night. He figured the worst was over, the rest he really didn’t have much control over. All he had to was sleep and there his soulmate would be.

Bill wondered what they’d look like. Would they be like Bev? With badge littered leather jackets, heavy dark make-up around crystal eyes, crimson-painted lips circled around a cigarette while one foot stayed propped up on the pedal of her motorbike. Or would they be like Mike? With big warm smiles, floppy straw hat casting a kaleidoscope of sunspots across his face as he looked up at him from fluttering his fingers through the field of flowers, a few of them tucked into his overall’s pocket. Or would they be like…

No. Bill couldn’t get his hopes up. There were 7 billion people on the planet, what are the odds his soulmate would be his best friend? His best friend with soft blonde curls, almond shaped brown eyes that when turned to him made him feel like he was the only person in the room, the rare and bright smiles that graced his lips and creased his eyes-

No. He couldn’t get his hopes up.

Exhaling another breath, Bill closed his eyes, his nerves betraying his determined desire to sleep and he fidgeted with his fingers. Eventually, he rolled onto his side in an attempt to get more comfortable while simultaneously facing away from the taunting ticking clock that recorded each minute he was away from his soulmate. He curled up under his blankets, bringing his knees to his chest in a fetal position he hadn’t slept in since the night Georgie went missing. Why was he so nervous? His heart was beating frantically as if it knew something Bill didn’t, his mind only rationally telling him the unlikeliness he would recognise his soulmate, let alone ever meet them.

With a determined, frustrated and familiar courageous coiled feeling in his stomach, he put on a brave face and decided he was going to face this head on. The universe wants to give him a soulmate? Get fucking on with it.

And with that, Bill huffed to himself, squeezed his eyes shut, and focused on sleeping until he drifted off into unconsciousness.

He was in a woodland. Stood tall, but so short against the towering trees, the foliage rippling under the soft summer breeze, the pale yellow sun shining through the gaps in the leave with angelic curtains of light. They fell like a spotlight to glimmer and shine again blonde ringlets, the tight curls swaying delicately like loosely twirled golden ribbons.

The figure slowly turned, chirping of birds causing them to hesitate for a moment to flutter through the book they held with graceful slender fingers, pale arms exposed by the sleeves of his cotton shirt folded at his elbows. His skin shimmered, the pearly expanse interrupted by faded freckles that he could only make out by the sudden proximity he found himself to the figure.

“Bill?” A silky, sharp voice interrupted his gaze on the figure’s body and Bill flinched, eyes lifting to meet the face of the figure.

Almond irises. Focused solely on him. Mouth curled into a rare smile, creasing his eyes.

“Stan?” Bill breathed. Stan cocked his head, closed his book and made his way closer, but Bill only stumbled backwards, eyes blown and jaw dropped into a pure state of shock as he stared into the angled concerned features of his best friend.

Stan’s eyebrows knitted together, his hand laying gently on Bill’s bicep and Bill resisted the sudden urge to jolt it back. His touch was too kind, too tender, too loving. Bill’s breath quickened and Stan’s mouth only tightened in anxiety.

“Hey,” Stan murmured softly, and Bill could only let him, his body frozen, as he wrapped a gentle arm snugly around his waist to draw him closer. Stan entwined their hands together and brought Bill’s to his lips, kissing his fingers softly. Their eyes met again, Stan’s warm brown eyes staring at him with a genuine clear emotion that Bill had never seen lining them, “I love you.”

Bill’s cheeks twitched into a smile, cheeks flushing a little as he pressed their foreheads together, vacant fingers curling into his shoulder to keep him as close as possible, the actions and words acting automatically; the pessimistic voice in his barely conscious brain telling him that this may be his only chance to say it, “I love you too.”

Bill woke up with the words sculpted into his mouth.

OH FUCK.

Bill felt like he wasn’t attached to his body as he scrambled out of bed, the clock on his bedside glaring 8:53am out the corner of his eye. His mind was telling him he was drifting over to his pile of shoes, but later he would realise he was probably clambering and stumbling over, pulling on the first pair of trainers he saw, not bothering to change out of his sweatpants, grabbed his phone, keys and hoodie before thundering down the stairs.

“Billy?” A small voice wavered into his focus and he looked down to see Georgie staring up at him, one flesh and one plastic hand holding a bowl of cereal as he was still dressed in his pyjamas, “Where’re you going?”

“I-I’m juh-j-just going t-to Beh-Beverly’s for b-b-breakfast.” He managed to spit out, his tongue feeling heavy, his mind clicking at a mile a minute. Georgie’s face brightened and he bounced on the balls of his feet, head reaching Bill’s chest now.

“Can I come? I wanna see Bev!” He asked, cocking his head and Bill got a sudden reminder of Stan doing similarly in his dream and another wave of panic crashed over him.

“Suh-sorry Georgie, not t-tuh-today.” Bill’s gaze was distant as he ruffled Georgie’s hair and quickly circled around the barely-teenage boy to rush out the front door. Georgie frowned at his retreating form, but quickly shrugged it off, happily walking into the dining room with his bowl of Lucky Charms.

Bill slid into the front of his car, tossing his phone into the passenger seat, plugging his key into the ignition and then paused for a moment to catch his breath. What was he doing? Where was he going? His head fell on the steering wheel and the car honked loudly. He jumped back, head falling into his hands with a depressed groan.

He needed to tell someone. Someone who would understand. Someone who was close to Stan as well, so they could help with how to tell the boy… what they were. Bill bumped the back his head against the car seat, groaning at his own cowardice to even think the word.

Soulmate. That’s what he is Bill. Stanley Uris is your soulmate.

Bill’s breathing was picking up, his heart beating painfully in his chest and his brain feeling like it was being wrung like a wet sponge. He needed to tell someone, get the pressure off his shoulders so he can focus on how to tell him.

How to tell him, oh my fucking god, how am I supposed to tell him?! Hey Stan, how you been buddy, listen, I had my wacky soulmate dream last night and guess what? WE’RE SOULMATES. Oh, and by the way, I’ve been in love with you since I was 15. Isn’t that cool? Haha! Wanna make out?

He smacked himself on the forehead. Out the corner of his eye his phone lit up as he got a notification from his messenger (Three in total; each a birthday message from Bev, Ben and Mike) and his background photo, that Richie had changed of him and the meddler with Richie smacking a kiss on his cheek while Bill was laughing, the alcohol evident in the redness of his cheeks, blared up at him. Richie.

Bill thanked God for the existence of Richie Tozier.

He snatched up his phone, pulling up his messenger and typed out a quick text:

Big Billiam: Meet me @ quarry in 20

He hesitated and then sent another:

Big Billiam: It’s important

He got a reply after a few seconds of typing:

Tozmanian Devil: omw

Bill puffed out the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding, his whole body slumping into his seat as a minute piece of stress lifted from his shoulder, allowing the feeling to come back into his fingers so he could start the ignition with a flick of his wrist. With a determined foot pressing on the pedal, he drove out of the parking spot and on to route towards the Quarry, hoping the wide open area would at least relief the squeezing pressure in his temples.

Pulling up he spotted Richie’s bike discarded carelessly on the ground a few feet behind its owner sat in the fire pit the seven of them had gradually created with a few rotting logs placed around the clearing in a circle to frame the social clearing. Richie was looking a little messy, as if he had just got out of bed, which earned a rightful pang of guilt in Bill’s chest, as his shirt was untucked from his jeans, glasses askew and glinting on the mid-Sunday morning light and his dark curls a mop across his face so thickly Bill wondered if he could even see.

“Rich?” Bill called, slamming the car door shut and locking it. Richie tipped his head back to shine a sleepy grin, eyes still a little bleary but the straightness of his posture held the concern he held for his best friend. When Bill came to sit beside him, in front of the log, leaning back against it, as Richie was obviously too cool to sit properly, he placed a friendly hand on his shoulder to silently assure him it wasn’t as bad as he knew he was blowing out of proportion in that wild head of his.

As he settled in next to him a whiff of antiseptic, wool and vanilla hit him, making Bill smile and laugh lightly, “You smell luh-l-like Eddie.”

“Well I’d sure hope so,” Richie replied, stretching long legs out to stare at his converse clad feet contrasting against the dark dirt they sat on, “Given that you dragged me from the sleepy and warm hold of my adorable boyfriend with your cryptic message. So what’s the hullabaloo about, cockblock?”

Bill only stared at him, terrifying Richie as his bright blue eyes held him down with an emotion he hadn’t seen pouring from them since they were 13: fear. Richie leaned into him, his hand falling to his knee, tone falling soft and concerned as he ducked to stare up at his friend, “Hey Bill, what happened? Talk to me, buddy.”

“What huh-happened in your s-suh-soulmate d-dream?” Bill suddenly asked. He didn’t know why he needed to know, he just did. Maybe it was because he needed reassurance it would turn out okay, that his feels could be requited. Or maybe he was just stalling, wanting to have his best friend here to do what he did best and just talk to drown out his thoughts.

Richie’s whole form softened and Bill was fascinated. A slow and painfully genuine grin took over his mouth and the words he spoke flow from his lips like he’d thought about it a lot, telling it over and over in his head until he could describe it perfectly. But the disbelief was there, the edge of shock that still hovered over him, stemming from his intense insecurity of never being good enough for the Eddie he was destined. It warmed Bill, a platonic and full glow that had him mirroring Richie’s smile.

“We were in the back of my truck, Eddie sat next to me, and I was playing my guitar. We were singing Africa,” He laughed, shaking his head, “Singing is not the right word actually. We were yelling more like. So off-key, so goddamn loud, and he was smiling, Bill, beaming, at me. His eyes were so big and full of love and he was grinning, his face gold in the setting sun and I could feel the love he had for me. For me. And then the song ended, but the giddy loving buzz stayed. Eddie leaned his head on my shoulder and he murmured that he loved me. It was so genuine that I remembered waking up crying.”

Richie was grinning dazedly, his eyes soft as he stared above the horizon with the pale blue sky reflected in his glasses.

“How did you t-tell him?” Bill whispered as he scuffed his free against the ground.

Richie shrugged, carding a hand through his mussed hair, “It all just kinda came out one day. I knew I had to tell him but couldn’t find the right moment. I kept putting it off and off until I couldn’t take it anymore. I climbed through his window, like the Romeo I am, and told him. Bare and clear, for him to take or leave.”

Richie smirked, “And boy, did he take it.”

“Beep fucking b-beep Richie, fucking heh-hell.” Bill hissed, spraying him with dirt and Richie only laughed. Bill could feel the bind on his chest loosen a little.

The two of them calmed; Richie laughs softening to a chuckle and then simmered to a gentle grin full of Eddie, Bill collecting his knees to his chest for the second time that day and placed his chin on his knees. Richie’s eyebrows furrowed as he took in the vulnerable position Bill had curled himself into and shuffled closer to him, leaning his head on Bill’s tense shoulder, hand rising to stroke Bill’s unbrushed reddish hair softly. Bill leaned into the touch and Richie sighed.

“Bill,” Bill knew what he was going to ask, Richie’s thumb pressing firmer into his temple, “Who’s your soulmate?”

What surprised Richie the most after that was not the name Bill muttered, it was not the absence of his stutter, it wasn’t even the sniff that followed; it was how Bill dropped his head to his knees and he sobbed. Broken, confused and scared. And what Richie thought was surprised, felt a hell lot more like pain.

“It’s Stan.”

And now it was real.

“Buddy,” Richie honestly didn’t know what he was going to say after that, so he was ironically thankful that Bill had flung his arms around him after that, burying his soft cries into Richie’s shoulder that smelled so strongly of Eddie. He stroked his hand down Bill’s back, dragging to trembling boy into his lap to hold him securely, his mouth aching to make a joke, diffuse the tension, do anything to interrupt the scene of the best friend he’d looked up to for so long, break down in his arms.

The moment was interrupted by the melodic singing and the low buzzing of Richie’s phone from his pocket into Bill’s thigh. Bill sniffed deeply, wiping at his nose as he pulled away from Richie with an embarrassed wet chuckle.

It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you~

“Sorry, Billy, it’s the ball and chain,” Richie remarked, smiling lightly, reaching into his pocket with the intent of muting it, but Bill shook his head and sat back further, waving his hand.

“Ah-answer it, it’s oh-okay.” Bill tried to smile but it came out more as a grimace. Richie gave him a guilty look before he pulled out his phone and swiped to take the call, his thumb swiping across the picture of Eddie scowling up at the camera, but he hadn’t been able to stop the sweet smile that pulled at his mouth as Richie had no doubt said something stupid behind the phone.

“Hey Spaghetti-baby,” Bill caught a shrill sharp phrase of ‘Don’t call me that!’ and the two of them chuckled.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Yeah, I’m with Bill. He’s uh, he’s fine.” After another moment, Richie tilted his head to face Bill and smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, and Bill felt responsible and guilty for that, “Eds says Happy Birthday.”

“Tell him thanks,” Bill replied softly, his fingers twiddling with the soft material of his sweatpants.

“He says thanks. Mhm. Okay, baby, I will,“ He paused for a moment as he stared at Bill fidgeting, sniffing lightly, the pale light reflecting off the tear smudges across his cheeks and his overall slumped demeanour had Richie desperately wishing to see him smile, "Hold that thought Eds. Meet me and Bill at Buttercup’s. I’ll tell you when you get there. Mhm. Aw, you looove me? Okay, okay, I love you too, bye!”

Bill tilted his head to stare up him, eyebrows drawn together and mouth pressed into a line, “Wuh-why’re we goin’ to Buh-B-Buttercup’s?”

“Because, dear Billiam,” Richie began softly, standing up and offering a hand to Bill, which he gladly took, their hands linked as they walked towards Bill’s car, Richie squeezing it comfortingly, “Number one, I’m hungry as fuck. Number two, we need help from someone way better at this emotion shit than you, me and Eds. Number three, I miss Eds,”

Bill scoffed, chuckling as he leaned against the car door, watching Richie fit his bike into his trunk, “You suh-aw him an hour ago.”

“AND NUMBER FOUR,” Richie said loudly as to purposely ignore Bill’s teasing statement. He walked back to Bill to squeeze his shoulder, smiling so tenderly it made Bill’s heart clench, “You look like you need pancakes.”

When Bill smiled Richie considered his wish fulfilled.

BONUS: An aesthetic collage of the three people 17-year-old Bill knows he’s fallen in love with: 

[canyounotexistelias]

Some research I did that I will not let go to waste about MTF transition hormones

(Tw for general transphobia and stuff that goes along with extreme republicanism)

alright. So, I currently have a friend who we will call Erwin. As I was talking about hormone therapy with Erwin, Erwin piped up, "oh, my dad recently told me something about cancer linked to hormone therapy."

naturally, this stopped me in my tracks. I only recently figured out i'm transgender, and have been looking into hormone therapy. But a relative of mine suffered cancer and I know first-hand how horrific it can be.

I asked for an article link.

I got two:

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/950964

https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/major-swedish-hospital-bans-puberty-blocking-for-gender-dysphoria/

(an interesting note about both of these articles; I don't think they specify what type of hormone therapy they're talking about. Whether it was just hormone blockers, testosterone, or estrogen, they just say general hormone therapy. it was all just... lumped together, which I don't think would necessarily make sense? like these are all three different things with different functions, I don't think they'd all have the same potential side effects. I might be wrong, but still.

That was just suspicious to me at the start, but that isn't the biggest problem here.)

to start off easy, let's dissect the first article.

In the medscape article, it starts off talking about how a clinic in Sweden, Karolinska Hospital, has banned the use of "routine hormonal treatment of youth under 18." However, this only actually applies to youth under 16, and if you're in the age range of 16-18, you have to go through a board process.

yes, this is shitty for reasons I don't have the time or patience to get into, but it has no link to the cancer mentioned above.

I did a word search- cancer doesn't pop up a single time in the article. In fact, the reasoning behind the ban happened because of the, "...amid growing unease in some quarters regarding the speed at which hormonal treatment of children with gender dysphoria has become accepted as the norm in many countries, despite what critics say is a lack of evidence of any benefit, plus known harms, of treatment."

still incredibly awful. but nothing to do with cancer.

So, I checked the second article.

and hooo boy.

to start us off, the article literally starts with, "The actual science is beginning to overcome transgender ideology..."

yikes.

it goes on to talk about how the U.K.’s National Institute for Health and Care Excellence has decided that actually, hormone therapy isn't that beneficial apparently. (Not going to even address the general transphobia in the UK.) So, after hearing that, the hospital has decided to stop offering for children younger than 16, but still continue hormone therapy for those at that age who've started it.

The article cites this pdf: https://segm.org/sites/default/files/Karolinska%20_Policy_Statement_English.pdf. Apparently, this is the actual announcement published by the hospital. In it, the paper mentions that, "These treatments are potentially fraught with extensive and irreversible adverse consequences such as cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, infertility, increased cancer risk, and thrombosis."

This was the only time cancer was mentioned in either articles. And I still couldn't find mentions of cancer anywhere else on the web. (and also nothing else about osteoporosis as a side note.)

So I dug a little deeper, as you would say.

And, a couple things became apparent.

One: The National Review is a conservative EDITORIAL magazine with Ben fucking Shapiro as a writer.

don't believe me? see for yourself.

already not panning out well.

but wait, there's more. you see, the writer of this article is a man by the name of Wesley J. Smith, who kindly links his twitter account, which is then linked to his main twitter account.

(link, if you want it for some fucking reason: https://twitter.com/theWesleyJSmith)

His twitter says he's a member of something called Discovery.org, which, through some link clinking, leads to this "about us" page: https://www.discovery.org/about/

it mentions it was founded by two men, Bruce Chapman and and George Gilder, with two links for their names.

So, I clicked them.

And fun fact about these men: Both were incredibly close with Ronald Reagan, y'know, the one who basically caused the war on drugs and the AIDS crisis? and one was also the speechwriter for Richard Nixon, the one involved with the Watergate scandal?

This is important as it shows this man is incredibly republican with some deep republican ties, so he's already probably biased against the general trans population.

So not only is the website used for this article a republican editorial magazine, the writer himself is part of a republican think tank, presumably (I couldn't quite understand what they do there) where the founders were both associated with Ronald Reagan.

so, probably definitely completely biased.

But it gets worse then that! Because, you see, Mayo Clinic has this article, https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/masculinizing-hormone-therapy/about/pac-20385099. And Mayo Clinic, a non-profit organization, says, "Conclusions can’t be drawn about whether masculinizing hormone therapy increases the risk of ovarian and uterine cancer. Further research is needed."

and the article was edited in July FUCKING 21 of 2021.

SO.

(also small side note:, there was no mention of osteoporosis anywhere. Everything else in the potential health complications section of the national review checks out, so you should remember to seriously consider hormone therapy, but... it's not going to cause you cancer.

literally. you can't draw conclusions about that.)

TL;DR: two articles were given to me by a friend's transphobic parent in an attempt to prove a link between cancer and hormone therapy. What type of hormone therapy was never specified. One article simply never mentioned cancer, while the other was part of a right-wing editorial magazine, with the actual article written by a member of a republican think-tank. A republican think tank in which both founders were involved with Ronald Reagan and other republican things.

Know i'm not saying that because someone is republican they're untrustworthy, i'm saying because this writer was so heavily influenced and extremely republican in so many ways, that clearly meant they'd have a bias. Match that with where they were writing, and you have a clear problem.

I'm not even addressing the tweets on Mr. Smith's account that imply coronavirus was created by the Chinese government. That man's twitter is incredibly disheartening to look though.

anyways, tell me if I got anything wrong with this, and don't worry about cancer regarding your hormone therapy- worry about the fact that our rights are slowly slipping away from us!

[eddiesrichie]

I Got You

YUPP JUST ANOTHER REDDIE ONE SHOT CAUSE I’M TRASH. 

Warnings: homophobic slurs, kissing

“Hey, where’s Eddie?” Richie asks as he strolls up to his friends. Everyone was here in a circle in front of the school for lunch, except for Eddie. It was weird not hearing him yammering about how unhealthy each cafeteria food was. The group instead was having their own individual conversations. Bill and Beverly were talking quietly in the grass, and Stan, Mike, and Ben were talking a few feet away against a tree.

Stan looks around and shrugs. “Maybe he got caught up in something. I can go with you to look for him if you want.”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just go,” Richie waves him off. He sets his tray of food down, grabbing for a bread roll to take with him. He winks at Bill. “Continue sucking Bev’s face while I’m gone.”

“Sh-shut it, Richie!” Bill retorts back. He side-eyes Beverly with blushed cheeks, and he refuses to meet anyone’s eyes. Mike laughs in the background, and Beverly blushes and grins in her spot next to Bill.

Richie makes kissing noises with his lips, and Bill glares at him. “Beep, beep, Richie.”

The noises die on Richie’s lips, and he sticks his tongue out at Bill childishly. “Fine! I’m going to go find the cute, little bodied version of an anti-bacterial soap bottle, and I’ll be back.”

He gets a few goodbyes as he walks away, chewing on his roll as he walks across the schoolyard. The fallen leaves from the fall weather crunches under his converse shoes. He walks into the school, peeking around to find the other boy.

The farther he gets down the hall, he starts to hear loud yelling and banging against metal. Richie finishes off the bread, tensing up as he walks through an empty hallway. Memories of Pennywise lures in his thoughts, and he fears the corner as if he’ll see the clown as soon as he rounds it.

Another fear creeps up, covering up the other one like a blanket.

What if Pennywise had Eddie?

Somehow the reality was worse. Richie turns the corner, and he stops dead in his tracks as he stares at what’s in front of him.

It was much worse because Henry and his goons had Eddie pressed harshly against the lockers. It was worse because they were 100% real, unlike Pennywise. Pennywise lived on fear, and they was no longer afraid of him anymore. Pennywise couldn’t hurt them, especially because he crawled down his hole to come back in the future.

“Your boyfriend’s name is trashmouth right, faggot?” Henry growls through his teeth. His fingers wrap tight around Eddie’s skinny neck, surely leaving bruises that will probably lead to his mother shoving him in the car to race to the hospital for a numerous amount of checkups.

Richie’s stomach folds in on him, and his feet turn to stone. The question felt like a punch to the face, causing whiplash, taking him by surprise.

He can’t be the reason that they’re hurting Eddie.

Eddie does his best to break free from the hold, shoving hard against the older boy. “Fucking leave me alone, you asshole!”

Henry snaps at his friend, Patrick, behind him with his free hand. Patrick comes around with an overflowing trashcan that normally sits outside the gym doors. Fear clouds in Eddie’s eyes, struggling hard to get away. “What are you-“

“I’m only trying to show you that you two are meant to be,” Henry tells him with feign kindness. Eddie yelps in surprise when Henry reaches down and yanks the fanny pack clean off his waist and tosses it at his other friend.

“You are both trash.”

“No!” The exclaim rips out of Richie’s throat as Patrick turns the trashcan over, effectively causing all of the trash inside to land all over Eddie’s small frame.

Richie runs, forced to watch helplessly as Eddie gets shoved back into his own locker with the door locking him inside. His screams follow him inside, and Richie’s heart clenches at the sound. Henry and the others laugh as they sprint away, surely running away in order to not get caught.

“Eddie! Eddie, are you okay?” Richie asks through the metal door. He grabs the lock seeing that the locker was in fact Eddie’s, and thankfully, he knows Eddie’s combination. He stares at the boy all the time, and he noticed what numbers Eddie hits every time he opens his locker.

His brain short-circuits when he jumps back at the sound of Eddie banging hard against the locker door with his fists. He hears whimpering through the door.

“Eds? Eds, listen to me. You’re going to be okay,” Richie comforts gently. He fumbles with the lock, and he whispers, “I’m going to get you out of there, and soon you’ll be out here chastising us about us not using anti-bacterial wipes on our handlebars.”

“R-Richie?”

Richie curses quietly at messing up the combination. “It’s okay, Eds. Your enchanting voice got me messing up here,” Richie softly jokes. His sweaty fingers slip around his grip on the lock.

“Richie…Please. I can’t breathe. I can’t br-breathe, Richie.”

Eddie’s voice was so scared, and Richie wants to rip the door off its hinges. “Fuck!” Richie shouts, and then he finally gets the damn door unlocked. He flings it open and sets his eyes on the quivering boy inside. Richie tries to hide his wince, but the smell and sight of the trash that covered the other boy was atrocious.

Eddie bursts out of the locker, hyperventilating with wide, crazed eyes. His breathing is heavy and loud, and he stands with his limbs out like a hanging scarecrow. His whole body shakes. Condiments, liquids, and other questionable substances drip and fall off Eddie’s shaking form, and Richie has anger growing rapidly inside his chest.

“Just a second, Eds, don’t worry. I’ll be right back,” Richie mumbles out quickly. He turns around to get to his own locker. Thankfully, his locker was on the opposite wall of Eddie’s, so he didn’t have to go far. He opens it with tense fingers, and he reaches inside to grab the extra inhaler he’s been holding ever since he met Eddie. It’s deep inside his locker behind some books and papers, but it’s still there.

Eddie’s breathing picks up even more, gaining volume. “R-Richie, please! I-I can’t breathe!” he sobs.

Richie slams his locker shut and runs back to Eddie. He brings the inhaler to the frantic boy’s lips. He goes to caress Eddie’s cheek, but Eddie jumps back at the touch. Richie tries not to take it personally. He decides to keep his distance, reassuring Eddie that he’s okay, and he needs to breathe.

It takes longer and more hits than usual from the inhaler to do any good. Eddie was soon able to breathe a little better, but his chest still shakes from his sobbing. Eddie looks down at his body, and his face falls at the repulsive sight of his clothes, legs, and arms. He was still standing there, keeping his arms and legs spread eagle. Tears run down his face, and Richie is on the end of his rope.

“Come on, Eds,” Richie says as he starts to guide Eddie down the hall. “We’re going to the locker room. We’ll get you all cleaned up again. You’ll be so clean, you’ll be sparkling down the hall.”

Nothing much takes Richie by surprise. Due to his spontaneous personality, he doesn’t get surprised that many times. He’s more of a ‘let it be’ kind of guy rather than one who ponders on things.

But Eddie reaching for his hand to hold on to has his stomach doing backflips. The idea that he was an anchor of some sorts for Eddie at a time of crisis has him blushing. It wasn’t exactly new. When they dealt with Pennywise, Eddie was the first thing on his mind when they were attacked, and he likes to know that he was the first thing on Eddie’s mind as well.

He remembers when Pennywise appeared in the projector, and the first thing he did was pull Eddie towards him. That was the moment he knew what he felt for Eddie was not entirely friendly. There was something more growing in the pit of his heart, and he didn’t know what to do about it.

It doesn’t take long to get to the gym locker room. When they get inside, Richie is quick to lock the door behind them to keep from being disturbed. He helps Eddie over to the showers, and he leans in to start running the water. The bell above them rings, signaling them that lunch was over and to get to their next class. Both boys ignore it.

While waiting, Richie looks over at Eddie, who was staring at the garbage layered on his clothes. Richie tests out the water with a finger. “Serious question time,” Richie announces casually. Eddie tenses behind him.

“Do you think every time Henry breathes, a bunny dies?”

Eddie is silent.

“Do you think Satan lost an ounce of evil when Henry was born due to him taking some of his demonic powers with him?”

Eddie looks over at him with the tiniest bit of a smile on his lips. There is a tear currently rolling down his cheek, and Richie’s breath hitches.

“Did you know that every tear you shed, another fairy dies?”

Eddie rolls his eyes, “Shut it, Richie. I’m not in the mood. I want to rip my fucking skin off.”

“That’s not what your mom said last night,” Richie jokes easily with a wide grin. Eddie flips him the bird. He’s relieved to know that Eddie was slowly coming back to himself. Richie stands up with a clap. “Alright, princess, your shower of cleanliness awaits!”

“Alright,” Eddie sighs in relief. He begins to pull his shirt over his head. “Don’t look at me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of ruining your honor and virtue,” Richie responds on instinct. Though, he does take a quick glance to make sure Eddie is able to remove the ruined clothing. He looks away when Eddie only has his underwear to remove.

“Do you even know what those two things are?” Eddie retorts as he closes the curtain behind him. Richie hears him sigh once the water hits his skin. “I didn’t think those words were in your vocabulary.”

There’s my Eddie. Richie smiles, feeling at ease now that Eddie was acting like himself again. “I added them to my dictionary when I met you, Eddie spaghetti,” Richie sing-songs.

The room goes quiet, except for the spraying of the water. Richie listens for the rhythm of Eddie’s breathing to make sure the boy was still breathing normally. He scrunches his eyebrows when he hears harsh scratching and rubbing. “Eddie, it’s okay. I’m sure you got most of it by now. Enough to where you can make it home where you can pull out your state of the art disease killing machine,” Richie quips.

“I do-don’t,” Eddie croaks from behind the curtain. Richie winces when he hears the scratching get louder and more furious. “I think there’s some kind of grease or maybe ketchup that won’t come out of my hair!”

Richie is up on his feet and shoving the curtain out of his way before he can think too much on it. Eddie shrieks and covers the area between his legs automatically at the sight of Richie.

“Richie, what the fuck! Get out!”

“Why would I look at you when I got better, bigger bits than you?” Richie plays it off with a shrug and a wink. He grabs for Eddie’s hand in his hair with a tsk. “You’re going to scalp yourself, dipshit. I’ll look, okay?” Richie assures the distraught boy.

If looks could kill, Richie knows he’d be dead, but Eddie didn’t have much of a choice. “Fine,” he hisses out in defeat.

Richie skims over the hair efficiently, yet quickly. He lightly scrubs at the remaining unknown substance until nothing was left. He says, “You’re good to go. Now hurry up, you’re using all of the clean water America has left.”

Richie leaves the shower with a quiet ‘thank you’ following after him. He sits back down on the locker room floor, waiting patiently as Eddie shuts off the water. He sees Eddie’s hand reach out to grab for his underwear.

Richie pushes his glasses higher up on the bridge of his nose before speaking. “Hey, um, I don’t know what exactly what happened. I only caught wind of probably half of it…but what happened? He said something about you being trash too?”

Richie was lying through his teeth, but it was only to keep Eddie from going insane again. He had also heard Henry call him Eddie’s boyfriend, but Eddie didn’t need to know that.

There’s silence behind the curtain, and Richie bites his lip from saying something else. He was called ‘trashmouth’ for a reason. If he opened his mouth again, he’s sure something without his permission would come streaming out.

Eddie leans to where half of his body was showing from behind the shower curtain. Water droplets drop from the ends of his hair, and he looks over at Richie. “They, uh, Henry called me queer because he thinks you and I are together.”

Richie’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. He sort of figured that was what Henry had been yammering about, but that just sheds some light on it all. He chuckles lamely, “That’s dumb.”

Something darkens and deflates in Eddie’s facial features, and Richie quickly speaks up again. “Who would want to kiss little ole’ me? Everyone in their right mind would be in line to kiss you, Eds,” Richie teases.

Eddie’s cheeks redden. “I told you I hate when you call me that,” he says with a small voice.

Richie leans back against the wall, slowly making his way closer to the smaller boy. “Do you?” he asks with a serious tone, though he keeps a smile stitched to his lips for back up. He has his theories, but he doesn’t want to scare Eddie into another attack.

Eddie ignores the question, and Richie tries to think what that could mean. “Nobody would want to kiss someone who probably smells like complete trash right now.”

“Nah,” Richie tells him without thinking. “Sure, you kind of do, but you also smell like Eddie.”

Eddie steps out of the shower with his eyes stuck on Richie. “What do I smell like?” he asks with confusion swimming in his eyes.

The atmosphere of the room was changing drastically, and Richie was torn between staying and fleeing. His words were straying from friendly to something else quickly, and he doesn’t know how to shut himself up. He wished his own conscious had a mouth to say ‘Beep, beep, Richie’, because he is 100 percent sure it’d be screaming it at the top of his lungs right now.

Eddie was looking at him with such interest tied with vulnerability like every word Richie was saying was a lifeline. Richie has always felt powerless under Eddie’s gaze. Nobody stole his entire attention like Eddie did. He could be ranting or making up some hilarious story with a funny plot twist, but then he’ll notice Eddie looking at him, and he switches from confident to uncertainty and stuttering like stuttering Bill.

On the other hand, if he had just started ranting about some story or joke, he’ll have his full attention on Eddie. He doesn’t know what it is, but he loves the idea of impressing Eddie, or making the other boy laugh. Eddie’s approval has him weak in the knees, wanting nothing more than getting some sort of reaction out of him. That’s why 75 percent of the time he was directing his jokes at Eddie.

“You just…you smell like, Eddie, I don’t know,” Richie mumbles. He runs his fingers through his hair nervously. “I don’t know how to explain it. You smell like you. You smell clean with a mix of outside spring air. You smell like familiarity. I don’t know, but what I do know, is that if I were to close my eyes, I would always know it’s you right next to me.”

Eddie was looking at him in shock and wonder, and Richie’s conscious finally speaks up to tell him to run away. He parts his lips to talk his way out of whatever hole he just fucking dug for himself, but then Eddie breaks out in a smile, and he gives a light shove to Richie’s shoulder.

“You sweet talker, you,” Eddie teases with a shake of his head.

Richie gawks and retaliates by pushing Eddie’s hand away. “That’s exactly what your mom said last night.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “And you lost it,” he bites out with another weak shove.

“That’s not what your mom said last night,” Richie replies with a wide smirk. This begins a small shoving fight with light banter. Richie is pushing Eddie’s shoves, or Eddie is dodging Richie’s shoves. Richie doesn’t know how it happened, but suddenly he’s got both of Eddie’s hands in his. Sarcastic, biting remarks die on both of their lips, and neither boy breaks eye contact.

He doesn’t know how, but his hands are both numb and shaky. Eddie’s light brown eyes are pinning him in the spot, and his brain yells at him to do something. Sarcastic comment? Light humor? Another mom joke? Run-

His breath is stolen out of his lungs when lips press against his.  

His eyes are wide in shock, and he stares at Eddie’s closed eyelids. He follows along and closes his eyes too. He lets go of Eddie’s hands in order to pull him closer to him. He has one shy hand on Eddie’s hip and the other one cupping his neck. He senses two hands between their chests, but he doesn’t mind. He’s too busy trying to figure out what to do with his lips.

He experiments. He tilts his head, finding a better angle to where their noses aren’t pushed against each other. He presses slightly harder against Eddie’s lips, and Eddie copies him. He smiles into the kiss, loving how incredibly soft the shorter boy’s lips are.

The kiss is sloppy and amateur since kissing was new to both boys, but they tried their best. There are shy, innocent touching – the boys trying to accustom to the new territory.

Eddie breaks apart from the kiss, but he keeps his hands tangled in Richie’s shirt. Richie grins.

“I’m only stopping now because I’m embarrassed knowing that someone is going to ask how was my first kiss, and I have to tell them that I was kissing another boy in my damn middle school locker room in my fucking underwear,” Eddie groans with fake irritation.

Richie giggles. “If I had known this was going to happen, I would’ve set up some candles. Maybe some music playing in the background.”

Eddie scoffs, “Yeah, I’m sure you’re incredibly romantic.”

“I can be whatever you want me to be, baby,” Richie quickly responds with his eyebrows wagging up and down. In the back of his mind, he’s terrified to wonder how much he’d exactly do for the shorter boy.

“Oh my God,” Eddie groans with a roll of his eyes. Though, Richie can see humor in them too.

Eddie falls short when he turns around and sees his clothes on the floor. He scowls, “I am not wearing those. I’d rather light myself on fire.”

“You can wear mine,” Richie offers with a shrug.

Eddie twists around and stares at Richie. “What?”

“I said you can wear my clothes,” Richie repeats. “No big deal. I can find clothes in this school, Eds. I’m sure Stan has an extra t-shirt, and I bet Bill has some extra gym shorts I can wear.”

Eddie stares at him with an aghast look in his eye.

Richie awkwardly picks at his fingernails, suddenly feeling embarrassed. “Which one makes more sense: you running around in your underwear, or me running around in my underwear?”

Clarity seems to return to Eddie because he finally stops looking at Richie like he has three heads. “I guess that’s good reasoning,” he whispers. “Thanks, Richie. That means a lot.”

Richie smiles, and he walks over to Eddie and places a kiss on his forehead. He can think about it later on just how far he’d go to please Eddie. He’ll think about it later because right now Eddie is looking at him with those earth-stilling brown eyes. He can hardly breathe until Eddie turns around to throw away his ruined clothes.

So, he does end up running around the school searching for clothes. What else is new? Just another thing to add to the list of ‘guess what Richie is doing’.

He snickers as he adds something else to the list for the future.

Eddie.