#both my partner and my best friend have ADHD and somehow i did not even suspect it in myself

[casual-eumetazoa]

yesterday was interesting. got diagnosed with ADHD and also my debut novel came out. anyways back to burnout I guess

[bcbdrums]

(Super long ask ahead)

Ok I really wanted to add and talk more about how bad the wiki got, just look at some of this lines:

As is common for a fictional underdog, Ron has a tendency to have low expectations of his performance and to set low standards for himself, both academically and socially. He lacks focus and often appears to fare poorly due to either a lack of effort and a lack of belief in his own abilities or through trying too hard and coming across as a clown.

Shocker, he is a teenager boy who sometimes can be insecure and seem awkward, as the series goes on he gains more confidence in himself, but why do they make it sound so mean? Going on a bit of a tangent here with this being a personal headcanon, but doesn’t this also sounded kind of albesit? because come on how many times have somebody called a person with adhd that they are “ lazy”, that they”lack effort” or “focus”? This so unnecessarily mean

His efforts to fit in are often hampered by the fact that he is moderately hyperactive and has a tendency to act with a pronounced level of immaturity, which has earned him a reputation as a loser among his peers. However, for the most part, Ron's type B personality means that he either does not notice this, and thus tends to embarrass those around him more than himself

I mean it was shown that Ron was friends with various characters in the show, which usually shared his same interest inside and outside of school such as: Tara, Zita, Felix, Yori

And besides Bonnie, who ever considered him or called him a “loser”?

Ron has also displayed considerable bouts of jealousy throughout the show, especially when he feels that he does not have Kim's undivided attention. However, all of Ron's Kim-centered jealousy is entirely restricted to the instance of Kim paying attention to others over him.

Like what considered bouts of jealousy? One or two times and even when Kim dated Josh or Eric, Ron was always supportive of her and he basically shelved his agenda because he recognized Kim looked happy and he did his best to be supportive and still helped Kim with whichever he could (like when he brought her the flower in the first episode)

And you know which other characters also had “considerable bouts of jealousy”? Kim, Shego and Drakken, but when has the wiki page being edited to go out of it’s way in order to call Shego out of this? Never (of course that’s the shippers fav, they will never do that)

Ron's type B personality means that he either does not notice this, and thus tends to embarrass those around him more than himself, or that he passes his quirks off as part of his intrinsic "Ronness" and ignores what others think.

Like notice how him not caring about what others think of him, something that made him and Kim such a great dynamic because they complemented each other is suddenly portrayed in a bad light, why is that? Isn’t being authentic a positive character trait? Why is suddenly the wiki page so means towards him and Kim? (Now I know why: toxic shippers)

And the wiki also tried to said that the reason for his “low-expectations on himself” was because of Kim, and I’m like: Could you not? So, dissing on Ron wasn’t enough, was it? Whoever edited the wiki also had to diss on Kim as well and blame her for things that weren’t even her fault.

Kim herself often performs a similar function for Ron by motivating him, encouraging him to participate in some areas, and attempting to dampen down his enthusiasm in others.

When does Kim does that? look at the wording: Kim sometimes encourages Ron but more often she “damps Ron down” nah, she is very encouraging on him specially on season 4

And just notice the wording: “Kim sometimes encourages Ron but more often than not she damps him down”

Ron's personality is defined by ego [..] Ron has on occasion expressed his usually hidden arrogance , which typically results from a bout of self-confidence combined with his tendency to go overboard with things. Kim once commented that Ron is "prone to big-headiness." The statement came as a result of the sudden ego boost

He is not egoistical by any means, he has moment of big headiness sure, but he is never defined by thus, you know which tower characters also have moment like this? Shego, Drakken and Kim, why is Ron the only one being called out while other chats yes (Shego) have nothing but praise in their pages? Even Kim is being so harshly criticized

Another effect of this personality type is that Ron tends to doubt himself more often than not, making himself subservient to Kim. It is highly probable that his behavior patterns have been influenced by Kim's frequently overbearing and hyper-competitive Type A tendencies causing him to back down as a trained response because he knows that Kim does not like to lose. Because he values Kim more than anything, Ron is willing to sacrifice anything for her, including his own potential for greatness.

What? Did we even watched the same show? Kim encourages Ron to excel and be more active in general and this goes both ways, ron isn’t subservient to Kim, he is actually one of the few people who can and will call her out on her flaws, this goes both ways and both of them grew because of this

All of these self-imposed restrictions are lost, however, when Ron becomes his alter ego, Zorpox. Because he is evil, Zorpox does not care about hurting Kim's feelings and therefore has no problem unleashing his full potential

No, those “self imposed-restrictions “weren’t caused because he “didn’t wanted to hurt Kim’s feelings” it was because Ron is by nature an anxious person, I hate how they are trying to blame Kim for Ron’s character flaws, if anything it was because of Kim that he grew more proactive and confident, he always stepped-up and confronted his fears when Kim needed him the most.

He tends to "trip over his own feet" in most episodes, often in comical or socially embarrassing ways

This is straight up just a Jab against his character at this point

Ron's problems are accentuated by his overall lack of focus, and by a tendency towards laziness which, at its most extreme, included expecting his lab partner to do all of the work on the grounds that their natural motivation to succeed would compel them to pick up his slack.

He keeps up with Kim academically and he is in almost all of the classes he is in, he even said he was an average C + student at worst, he goes with Kim in all of their missions and it was shown on episodes that he would even travel half of the world in order to aid Kim because he knew Kim needed him, he applied himself more in school in the last seasons and even applied to a lot of schools.

And this is me projecting, but Ron tends to apply himself on the subjects and hobbies that are interesting to him, he might have adhd (even the wiki had a section in which this was speculated) this sound si low-key ableist

And I just hate how bad they are talking about him, all of his character is so negatively described: “jealous”, “immature”, “clown”, “Lazy”, “egoistical” “subservient”, “embarrassing”

There is zero mention of his positive character traits, being selfless and committed? Nah, that makes him subservient somehow , no caring what others think by being authentic to who he is which is a great counter-balance to Kim? Nah, this makes him embarrassing and dense, What about every time he is able to apply himself and do something great every he gains a little more of confidence (usually because Kim inspires him to) nah, this just mean he is defined by his ego and that makes him arrogant somehow.

They did my boi so dirty here.

i'll refer you to the anon i just answered before yours...

if someone out there wants to take the time to try to fix the wiki, or start a new one, i fully support it. i just don't have the energy to fight them anymore.

but you're right, this is character slaughter. their so-called evidence is all things being broadly and grossly interpreted to be extremely and unfairly negative to ron, and in some cases plainly made up, when we know that's not what the majority of fandom sees. in fact i'd wager that ron is the second-most popular character to shego. you've just got your people out there who are clinging to their pedo out-of-character ship for who knows what reason... 🙄

perhaps anon, if not edit the wiki yourself, you'll take time to make a positive character post about ron? 👀

[hyperfixationtimego]

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Like

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

[aethersea]

you know what, I never do these things, but actually I’ve decided I would like to get to know people better! I would like to partake of the mortifying ordeal! I would like to talk about myself for a bit!

ok for the next...let’s say five days I will answer any of these things that people tag me in, or any random personal questions you plop in my ask box. I don’t have an ask meme on hand but just....pick one you’ve seen recently, or make up questions of your own, and I’ll answer. (the answer might be ‘nope that’s private’ but I will answer.) (@ the anon who asked for book recs - I see you, I’ve been thinking of books all day, I’m going to give you SUCH a long answer, I hope you don’t regret your choices bc it WILL be full of gushing)

alright, let’s go!

🌻 Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

Tagged by @booksandchainmail​

Last Song: I’m currently listening to “Falcon in the Dive” from the Scarlet Pimpernel musical on loop. I watched one or two Scarlet Pimpernel movies when I was just barely too young to fully get what was going on, and the story’s held an odd but deep-seated place in my heart ever since. A few years ago I found out there’s a musical and most of the songs are pretty stellar (go listen to “Madame Guillotine” if you like big ensemble broadway numbers, it’s a banger, the bit where he cries out for God has been running through my mind on and off for a few days now haha not like that’s topical or anything), so every once in a while I spend a few days listening to them a lot.

Sometime last year I read the actual book, and got super into the whole concept of the Scarlet Pimpernel for a while. I plotted out Pimpernel aus for several fandoms, I read the entire wikipedia article, and I went looking for bootlegs of the musical. I didn’t find one, but I did find a full radioplay-style recording of the script, complete with full musical numbers, and listened to it like a podcast.

Reader, I was so disappointed. The play adds some scenes, bc a lot of the dramatic tension of the novel comes from internal conflict and that doesn’t stage super well, and the very first scene of this play – a play written in the NINETIES – features our dashing hero rescuing some aristocrats from a French prison, and then saying to the person in the next cell, who begs for rescue but is not an aristocrat, “We have enough of your kind in England.”

Enough! of your KIND! What in the merry frickety HECK my dudes!! The book has some rather unfortunate™ takes but it is from 1905, it’s regrettable but sadly to be expected. This play is from 1997. It has NO excuse. This scene wasn’t even in the book! What! the heck!

I was so disheartened that I lost my excitement for the play, and a couple songs later I stopped listening. It occurred to me just a few days ago that you could actually stage that ironically, with the person in the cell giving the audience a “can you believe this” look, and then the rest of the play could feature assorted non-aristocratic ensemble members constantly looking at the audience like they’re on The Office. And hey, maybe that’s what they did, or something similar – maybe that was never meant to be taken as a cleanly heroic stance, and the play deals with it in a complex way. It’s possible. I wouldn’t know. Kinda doubt it though, based on song lyrics.

Favorite Color: red, probably

Last Movie: I watched that new lesbian christmas movie with my family for christmas, the one with kirsten stewart and the guy from schitt’s creek. it’s very sweet and good and kinda sad, and I really enjoyed it. it also incidentally has the best gay best friend trope in probably anything ever, bc it’s not a trope (I didn’t realize until several hours after watching that it technically fits), it’s just a guy who is the protagonist’s best friend, and they’re just all gay, and then when he Gives Relationship Advice as a gay best friend always does, it’s advice about how to deal with your partner’s hangups around coming out.

actually every part of the gay best friend trope becomes better when they’re just best friends who are both gay. the big dramatic gestures (in this case, driving some ungodly distance in the snow on no notice) go from “haha how kooky” to “queer man will do anything he needs to to rescue his queer friend from an isolating & potentially triggering situation”. the relationship advice isn’t “honey you deserve some self-respect, treat yourself”, it’s a deeply sincere reminder of the vulnerability that is shared across almost everyone’s queer experience, and look I could ramble about this for a long time before reaching a coherent point but I’m INTO IT, okay? I’m into it.

Last Show: you want me to remember what show I last finished???? impossible, cannot be done, it was a long time ago and the adhd has eaten everything that happened before last week. here, instead I’ll tell you about another movie I watched, late at night with my mom in cozy companionship just a couple days ago. it’s called Quigley Down Under and it’s about a cowboy who goes to Australia and kills a bunch of racists, 10/10 would watch again. it’s from 1990 but it feels much older, with the music choices and the cinematography of a 70s Western. the cowboy is great, honorable and fearless and kind, but the breakaway star of this movie for me is the woman who attaches herself to his side and refuses to leave. her name is Cora, and she’s crazy, in the sense that she’s not altogether tethered to reality, but this never for a second diminishes her agency. she’s fierce and clever and compassionate, and she basically never does anything she doesn’t want to in the whole movie. her arc is about overcoming trauma by taking charge of her own fear and facing it head-on, she is never belittled or dismissed by the narrative or the protagonist, and look she’s just so cool. I love her. she’s so vibrantly alive. her story could probably have been handled with a bit more nuance, but honestly for the 90s it’s pretty great. I’m no expert, but I found nothing objectionable in it, just a bit of heavy-handedness.

anyway the theme of the movie is that racism is evil and racists deserve to be shot, and this too could have been handled better (not a single aboriginal character speaks a single line of english in this movie), but it follows through on that message in every way, while still being a fun kinda campy cowboy movie. overall a very good time.

Currently Watching: started showing my sister Hilda the other day, and she’s liking it! I love that show, it’s so incredibly cute. can’t wait to see season 2

Currently Reading: lmao I wish. lately the brain has firmly rejected all attempts to read anything of any length. currently pending, bc I was halfway through them when my brain stalled out, are tano’s fic What Does Kill You Can Make You Stronger, Too, a Toby Daye book - I think it was The Brightest Fell, I got like half a chapter in and haven’t picked it up in over a month, the Locked Tomb series, and probably a few other things too. ooh! also a book called Making Sex by thomas laqueur, which is my fancy academic reading that I’ve been doing in short bursts for the past year or two when I feel fancy and academic. it’s about the development of the concept of biological sex and of gender in Western society, and it’s fascinating. has among other things introduced me to the idea that until quite recently, fathers were a matter of faith. the mother? yeah, you can watch the baby pop out, we all know who the mother is. but the father? how can you know? how can you really know? we have paternity tests these days, but for all of human history up until now, we've just had to take fatherhood on faith. (not to mention we didn’t even know what fathers were contributing to the production of a fetus. clearly it was something, since you can’t get pregnant without a penis getting involved, but we have literally not known what until the past few decades. and that is wild. it has colored ALL of human history, all of our conceptions of society and family and kinship and gender, all of it, and it hadn’t even occurred to me until it was spelled out for me in this book, and it’s just......wow.

Salty, sweet or savory: for christmas my sister and I made seven different types of cookie, most of them involving chocolate somehow.

Craving: no bc I ate so many cookies. unless sleep counts. or maybe pringles, it’s been many moons since last I had a potato chip and I miss them.

Coffee or Tea: no thank you

Tagging: @coloursisee, @krchy-tuna, @sam-j-squirrel, @xzienne, @mirandatam, @viciousmaukeries, @sepulchritude, @elidyce, and @navigatorsnorth bc it’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I’m super hyped that you’re married now. v happy for you!

[anarmorofwords]

I think I’m only protective against people against platonic fairstairs (romantic fairstairs can like not) because…I get the feeling that idk; sometimes Matthew is the only merry thief the fandom at large doesn’t want to grow beyond their small circle of friendship, like he’s friends with Anna but like him and Cordelia being friends is good for him, I think? Good for Cordelia too. I think, at least. They like a lot of the same stuff, they have been nothing but warm to each other, and they honestly enjoy each other’s company? I really don’t think Matthew had any ulterior motives in befriending her other than he thought she was nice (him expressing “love” for her in the romantic sense feels like the biggest comphet “I feel a way for you and I am a guy and you are a girl, I should feel romantic for you” and “I want to emotionally hurt myself” which aren’t really actual romantic feelings), they spent time together (the road trip was cute and one of the rare moments that I felt “oh these two are actually allowing themselves to enjoy something good for them” before Lilith ruined it), he came out to her! Something he seemed actually very scared to do! I even think him telling her what he did isn’t even that bad because he spilled it to try and make her feel better (even if it’s not I would have done in the slightest) because he honestly does value her as a friend, and wants her to feel better even if the only way he can think to do that is “you can’t be a monster, I know a monsters and I am one.” Matthew doesn’t have to put on an act for Cordelia because Cordelia DOENST know him as well and know what he used to be like, Matthew doesn’t put Cordelia’s hero complex on edge because he’s also a natural care taker mom friend so he also doesn’t give off “I need to save him energy, or I need to do this myself, because he’s ready to give her his everything already and without conditions so like it’s complementary.

Oh and I think there is a another reason they bonded: Grace.

Grace basically is the driving force in at least the main plot of the books so far that’s moved Cordelia and Matthew from their main friendships, with Lucie and James, in a way. Lucie because she’s helping Grace, Cordelia’s assumed love rival, which must sting even if Cordelia doesn’t have the full story to why she’s helping grace but from Cordelia’s side she’s seeing her best friend and the man she loves pick grace over her and that sucks, then you have Matthew who is trying to slowly bring UO to James that Grace isn’t worth it and getting screamed at over it. Basically, both of them are kind of “left behind” and they formed a friendship from that general state of just being the only ones left to pair up like the two kids without partners for a school project who end up liking each other and staying friends but wouldn’t have become friends if they hadn’t had this series of events leading them together.

They are fine as friends, love triangle bullshit is dumb, should have just been the tlh version of Emma and Cristina is my ending point sorry for annoying you with a thesis called “platonic fairstairs made total sense, cc is just too romance minded to not fuck it up and I don’t blame people for rejecting romantic fairstairs but to say their friendship is fake or came out of nowhere is a little bit of a stretch for me personally.”

hi anon!!

i feel you and I'm with you!! I hate romantic Fairstairs, but platonic?! I love that relationship.

That's frustrating, true, but it's as simple as people hate Matthew and therefore don't want him associated with the characters they like, or even worse, accept that he could be an important part of their lives, and will do all sorts of mental gymnastics to discredit their friendship.

Anna and Matthew are a whole other topic, but from what I remember, it's only said that they're close, and we barely see that relationship. Plus I personally don't like Anna, so I like him being friends with someone else. I love TMT - hope they can work out their issues ofc - but they all can and should have friends outside of that.

Oh absolutely! I think their relationship is awesome! They have great banter and are comfortable around each other, and caring and they pay attention to each other. Matthew never took advantage of her, genuinely cares about her as a friend, and did that even before he was "in love", and he was nothing but respectful and clear about his feelings. He said he'd respect her boundaries in Paris, too.

I know some people will try their best to ignore the good things about him and that relationship, but Matthew was the only one that was there for her throughout all the mess with James and other things. (just so we're clear, it's on no way am attempt at shitting on Alastair; he was there for her all their lives and he's trying his best and I love him; also, Cordelia herself didn't give him a chance to help in this case; but I'm just stating a fact)

He was a steady friend who supported her all the time - made her laugh, cheered her up. Remember how free she felt during their little trip? Matthew gave her a chance to feel carefree and reckless for a moment, something her golden child syndrome and lonely upbringing with Elias didn't allow much of. James (tho it's not his fault) only stressed her out and she was suffocating in that relationship, while Matthew let her breathe more freely. Overlooking that just because you hate him is,,,, a choice.

Even the scene after Elias's death - it wasn't Matthew's intention to be insensitive about it (was he, actually? it did make her feel better, so I'm not sure what to think) He attempted to cheer her up, and then the monster thing was also supposed to do that. And perhaps it wasn't the best way of doing so, but that's not his fault. He didn't make it about him - he just tried to help the way he thought would be best. I saw people say that trying to relate to someone else's problems is a thing many ND people do as means of showing support, and Matthew is sometimes suggested to be ADHD, sooo

You're right, they seem to work well together and not make their respective "fatal flaws" worse.

And Matthew is more relaxed around her, but also more open and vulnerable - as you say, he doesn't need to pretend so much, doesn't need to put on a show.

That's a very interesting point about Grace, and you're totally right! I think Matthew is even aware of that - he kinda feels like both him and Cordelia were abandoned by James and wants to somehow make up for it to her, but also is looking for a friend himself, for someone to support and see him. They're both losing James to Grace, and can bond over that.

The little kids in a group metaphor is beautiful, thanks dear.

yes yes yes

yes

i still remember how my heart raced when Matthew told her that their group was missing something - and it was her. It seemed like a start of such a beautiful friendship, and I'm starving for m/f friendships. But alas, CC can't write those :'))

so yes, thank you, I agree, and you don't annoy me at all!! feel free to send whatever thesis you wanna share <3

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[averyrogers83writes]

Destiny

Title: Destiny Authors:  @endrega23  & @averyrogers83 Warnings: Fluffiness Rating: General Pairing: WinterHawk: Bucky Barnes/Clint Barton Summary: Clint is a sex-repulsed asexual - he falls fast for people, but since he doesn't want to have sex with them, they sooner or later leave him, because those just seem to be the kinds of people Clint would find for himself. Bucky on the other hand has a hard time falling in love with anyone and finds he’d much have a “friends with benefits” setup with Nat then to go out and find someone. That is until Nat knocks some sense into him and makes him realize something she’s known for a long time.   Words: 2904 A/N: This is a collaboration between @averyrogers83writes and @endrega23 for the Marvellous Ace Valentine’s Collab Link: Here

@kimmycup @one-crazy-writer @shield-agent78 @hotoffthepressfics @chuuulip @buckysforeverprincess @thorfanficwriter @the-soulofdevil 

There were three things Clint couldn’t function without. Coffee, pizza, and pretty much Bucky. Clinton Francis Barton, AKA Hawkeye, was a mess when Bucky wasn’t around. On his own during his down time he could be a basic basket case. He was like a kid with ADHD on steroids. It was probably all the coffee in his system. If he could, Clint would put an IV filled with coffee straight into his veins. It’s pretty much why Bucky often made two mugs of coffee before he left the apartment and would meet up with Clint on their way to work.  

Bucky sat down on his couch, looking out across the street through the very conveniently placed window. On the other side, he could just see into another apartment: Clint’s, who for some reason was extremely animated as he talked to Lucky. Bucky shook his head fondly. He never knew what Clint was up to at any given moment, but whatever it was, he could be sure to be amused and and exasperated.

His phone pinged. Bucky glanced down reflexively and his heart stopped for a moment.

Nat - 1:1

Any plans for Valentine’s, yet? I’m excited to see what you come up with this year ;)

Shit, Valentine’s was next week, wasn’t it? He needed to figure out what to do for Nat. She was hard to come up with ideas for. In fact he really couldn’t remember what he did for her last year for Valentine’s Day, but either way it was only right to do something nice for her.

Just as he was scrolling through his phone for ideas, there was a persistent pounding at the door.

“Alright, hold your horses, I’m coming!” he called out He reluctantly got up from the couch and opened the door without looking up from his phone. He knew it was Clint - no one else knocked quite so enthusiastically.  

“Bucky, dude, I need your help.” Clint pushed his way past Bucky, and Bucky looked up. Clint sounded… frantic, somehow.

“What is it this time? Please tell me you didn’t find another cat for me to adopt. Alpine is more than enough for me, thank you very much.”

“No,” Clint shook his head, practically jumping on his toes. He didn’t even rise to Bucky admitting to liking Alpine. What the hell? “I’ve found the one.”

“The one what?” Bucky asked, but damn he knew what the answer was gonna be. Not again.

“You know..the one I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. The one I’m going to marry.”

Bucky sighed. “Yep, exactly what he thought”. Being Clint’s best friend came with some exclusivities, mainly being privy to how chaotic his love life could be. Bucky knew everyone Clint was ever involved with because it seemed like he was with a new partner constantly. When Clint fell, he fell hard, only to break up with them a month or two later. All through college it was the same thing. Clint didn’t fall in love with someone because of what they offered physically, but more emotionally.  It’s one of the things that Bucky and Clint had in common.

That wasn’t the only thing they shared, though. Clint’s dad messed him up so badly that the poor kid ended up partially deaf in one ear after a beating. After that Clint swore that he’d find a way to get out and he did. Bucky’s dad was an alcoholic that was more mentally abusive than physically, but he was known to toss Bucky around a time or two. It sucked that their shitty childhoods are what they had in common, but it allowed them to understand each other more where others couldn’t.

“Yeah? And what makes this one different?”

“She’s hot, smart, makes gravity her bitch - I mean have you seen her dance moves? I just know she’s the one for me and I need your help to plan the perfect Valentine’s date. I’m going to ask her to marry me.” Clint shrugged, and Bucky pinched his nose. He could feel he was going to give in. “Please, dude, you’re my best friend and I really need your help on this one. I don’t want to screw this up.”

Bucky sighed again. How could he deny his best friend his assistance? Besides, maybe they could help each other out in trying to figure out the best dates.

“Fine. I’ll help you, but you’ve got to help me with setting something up for Nat.”

“Are you two finally getting serious?”

Bucky just grunted. Where Clint could fall in love with someone quickly, Bucky found it hard to fall in love. He fantasized about it, don’t get him wrong - but finding someone? So far, it really seemed impossible. It was easier to find someone that he didn’t mind hanging out and occasionally having sex with, but anything long-term was nothing more than a dream and the sex - well. He didn’t really care if the relationship was physical at all, but it certainly seemed like the only kind of intimacy he could get. So for the majority of the time he would hook up with Nat.

Natasha was another one of their long time friends. Where Nat and Clint would often partner up on projects, Bucky would be the one to help make their vision a reality. It was what made the three of them such great friends. It was also why Nat and Bucky were so good for each other. They both pretty much wanted the same thing: a friends with benefits situation where there was no real commitment to each other, just an occasion meet up for sex.

The rest of the day the two spent throwing ideas back and forth on what to do. The ideas went from the simple to the down right over the top. Bucky settled for a more simple route for Nat. She wasn’t one that liked frills and fancy stuff so a nice dinner and maybe some flowers would be enough.

Clint, on the other hand, wanted it to be a night Jessica would never forget. So Bucky helped make reservations at one of the most expensive and hard to get into restaurants in the city. Lucky for them they knew someone that could get them a table. Of course then he had to hire a violinist down to the best wine and champagne. But the more Clint talked about how Jessica was the one, the more Bucky felt agitated. He tried to help with getting the reservations set up or the flowers ordered and just found himself getting frustrated faster.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to or liked helping Clint, but the longer he had to deal with it, the shorter his fuse got. When Clint asked Bucky to go with him to the jeweler to help pick out the perfect ring, Bucky finally felt close to breaking. But it wasn’t like he really had a reason to be frustrated, right? Clint would do the same for him. So he made himself take a few deep breaths and went.

-------------------------------------------

The next day Nat invited him to the new Star Wars movie at the mall. The movie was fun (though Bucky would always swear by Star Trek), but what was really worth it was their usual sushi place next to the theater.

Bucky wasn’t quite in the mood, though. He was quiet, he knew - he just didn’t feel like talking.  He could feel Nat’s eyes on him, studying him, and he knew it would bite him in the ass, but…

“James.”

Bucky grunted.

“Do not do this with me,” Nat poked at him with her toe. “You are better than this.”

Bucky glanced at Nat and shrugged. “Am I though?”

“James, what is this?” Nat frowned and set her bowl down. “I thought we were over this. What brought it up?”

Bucky let his head fall back.

“Just… I don’t know, Nat. Clint is getting married and all I can feel is annoyed. It’s not like him getting married is so rare,” Bucky waved a hand in the air. “This is the third time I can remember, and you’ve known him longer. Just.” He rolled his head over to look at Nat. “Why can’t I be happy for him?”

Natasha blinked. "James…” she trailed off, then took a harder look at him. “Please tell me you’re just playing ignorant. Dummy, you're in love with Clint."

"What?" Bucky blinked. "I'm not... What?

He couldn't be, what was Natasha even talking about? Clint was his best friend. Sure, they hung out all the time, but it wasn't romantic. Was it? Noo, no way. It wasn't.

"James Buchanan Barnes." Natasha glared at him. Shit, full named? "Tell me you knew that.

"Nat, come on," Bucky pleaded, his eyes going wider. It couldn't be, right? "You're joking, right? Clint is my best friend, I'm not in love with him.

Natasha stared at him. "You're not kidding.

"Uhm..."

"I can't.” Natasha shook her head. “Just... Think a bit about it. I'm going to get ice cream.

"Rude," Bucky muttered to Natasha's departing back. Leaving him in an emotional crisis and getting ice cream without him? Rude. He should be the one getting the ice cream.

But Natasha couldn't be right, right?

October, 2014

Bucky stared out of his window. If he stood just so, he could see into Clint’s apartment on the other side of the street. Of course, Clint could also see into his, but where that would have bothered him with anyone else, with Clint, it was fine. Clint was fine.

Except right at that moment, Clint wasn’t right, because just as Bucky was preparing to turn away and settle in for his solo night in, Clint tripped right in the narrow strip Bucky could see. Probably over Lucky. The poor dog always got in Clint’s way whenever Clint was getting ready for a date, and really, Bucky couldn’t blame him. He often had the urge to trip Clint up, just so he couldn’t leave on his newest date.

Which was stupid. Clint was an adult, and they’ve known each other long enough that Bucky knew Clint didn’t appreciate others directing his life for him. So Bucky wouldn’t, really. Clint had the right to go on date after date, fall for person after person, and every time he got dumped, Bucky and Natasha would be there with ice cream. Because that’s what friends were for.

Clint tripped right in that narrow strip again, and Bucky sighed. Maybe he should go rescue Clint from Lucky. Maybe Alpine wouldn’t even mind, and that way, at least he’d have a cuddle buddy, even without Clint.

August, 2015

“Hey!” Clint shouted as he pushed open Bucky’s door. “You ready for our pizza night in?” Bucky sighed. “In the kitchen!” he called back. “You know, I distinctly remember locking the door.” “Oops?” Clint grinned at him from the kitchen doorway. “What are you making?” Bucky sighed again, but he couldn’t stop the smile curling his lips. “Just some salad. Natasha threatened again to force-feed you greens, thought I would preempt it.” “Awww, you’re my hero,” Clint fluttered his eyelids, and something in Bucky’s chest squeezed. “Yeah, well,” he said brusquely to cover it up, and pointed at the spare chopping board he set up. “Get chopping. The onions are yours.” “Aw, onions, no,” Clint complained, but obediently stepped up to the board. “Do you have to make me cry?” Only fair, Bucky thought, but bit his tongue before it slipped out. Where the hell did that even come from?

December, 2015

“Come on, Clint!” Bucky shouted to the kitchen, twisting impatiently. “The episode is starting!” “Shit!” Clint cursed, and something crashed. “I’m fine, don’t have to come!” “Sure you are, buddy,” Bucky muttered to himself. The day Clint would be fine in the kitchen was the day they married. Instead, he twisted back to look at the TV, playing the intro of Dog Cops. Why Clint loved that series, he’d never understand, but it made Clint happy so it didn’t much matter. “I’m here!” Clint announced and plopped down next to Bucky. “I think Alpine ate the chicken wings. Sorry.” “Well, whatever,” Bucky grumbled. “Come here.” “Yes, sir,” Clint grinned, and threw his head down on Bucky’s lap. “You’ll have to feed me, I can’t reach the popcorn this way.” “Oh no,” Bucky deadpanned, but obediently reached out to grab a fistful of popcorn. “Now shush.” He dropped the fistful into Clint’s open mouth. Clint grinned up at him, cheeky, but his mouth was full so Bucky just shoved his face to look at the TV. “Dog Cops. Now.”

As if on cue, the intro ended, and then suddenly Clint wasn’t that interested in annoying him anymore.

“Aww, I didn’t miss it!” Clint crowed from behind the popcorn in his mouth. “Yeah, dummy,” Bucky snorted, and sank his hand into Clint’s hair. Really, getting to       pet Clint might be his favorite part of watch parties.

“Oh, shit,” Bucky whispered. “I’m in love with Clint Barton.”

“What?” a voice came from behind him, and Bucky turned, confused.

“Jessica?”

“Yeah, dummy,” Jessica frowned at him from the door to the sushi place. “What did   you just say? Because to me it sounds like you just professed love to my boyfriend.”

“Oh shit,” Bucky cursed. Jessica was staring at him expectantly, but Bucky’s mind was blank. He could feel his heart start to race and his breath coming shorter. He couldn’t believe that he said that out loud, for fuck’s sake.

Jessica sighed. “It’s true, isn’t it? You know, I should thank you. You made things so much easier.”

“What?” Bucky frowned.

“Don’t you worry your pretty head about it.” Jessica smiled tightly and turned.

“What? Jessica…!” Bucky finally sprang into motion, but it was too late; Jessica was gone.

What the hell had she been talking about?

------------------------------------------

Bucky was going out of his mind. He wasn’t able to find Jessica in the mall, and she wouldn’t answer her phone. He wasn’t able to find Nat, either, and when he called her, she just laughed at him and hung up. Honestly, he should just call Clint, but…

But he was a coward. What if Jessica told Clint? What if Clint now hated Bucky? There was no way Clint felt the same way - Bucky knew what Clint in love looked like. It came quick, it was flaming, and it was over just as fast. They’ve known each other for years, now. He should just go to sleep, right? He had work in the morning. But when he looked around the apartment, it was… empty. Specifically, it had a Clint-shaped void gaping at the center. Well, that wasn’t going to change. He might as well get used to… Loud banging on his door interrupted Bucky’s train of thought. What the hell? He rushed to open the door before the banging woke the whole building. “Clint?” Shit, Clint looked awful.

“Jessica broke up with me. She just got up and broke up without any warning other than that I needed to talk to you.”

“Clint I…”

“Bucky what the….What did you say to her! Tell me!”

“Clint I didn’t realize that she was near and she...she apparently overheard me.” Bucky’s heart was racing, he knew he had to come clean, but… “Come in, at least? The whole building doesn’t need to hear us.”

“Oh,” Clint smiled sheepishly. “Sorry.”

They walked to the couch in silence, but Bucky could feel the tension bubbling up in Clint. To be fair, he wasn’t much calmer.

“Tell me what she overheard,” Clint demanded once they reached the couch.

Bucky took a big breath. Well, here goes nothing.

“She overheard me come to the realization that I love you. I know you don’t feel the same way, and I don’t expect you to. Honestly, I just want things to stay the same; I value your friendship more than any romance.” Bucky��s face flushed. “But I’ve never felt more like myself with anyone else, and, well. You wanted to know.” His palms were sweating and he felt like he was going to faint, and Clint was just staring at him with an open mouth. An actually, comically open mouth. “Clint?”

“Where the fuck did you get the idea that I don’t love you?”

“Wha..what?” Bucky blinked.

“I’ve loved you since the day we met,” Clint said, and a shit eating grin started to appear on his face. “You were everything I ever wanted from a relationship.”

“But…” Bucky blinked again. This was… this didn’t make sense. “You kept falling in love with people!”

“Polyamory,” Clint shrugged, and oh, that made sense. “I kept hoping someone would turn out half as good as you. No one did, though.”

“I… Okay, okay.” Bucky took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, this is a lot to process. Oh my god.” Relief started to fill him. A stupid smile stretched his face, and it felt like he could fly away. Oh god, could he really get to have this? “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Clint grinned back at him, then leaned over to kiss Bucky’s cheek, and Bucky’s face erupted in flames. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time.”

“We’ll have to talk things over.”

“I know.”

“Things can’t be this easy.”

“Can’t they though?”

“Wanna cuddle?”

“Hell yes.”

[dreamwithoutreason]

Really need people to understand that there is a difference between your diagnosis being stigmatized (what usually happens with mental illness) and your diagnosis resulting in you being subjected to ableism (disability) because those two things are a bit different and the distinction is important.

I want to start by saying that I am in no way attempting to minimize the struggles that mentally ill people face. I am mentally ill and have depression, anxiety, and ADHD as well as a physical disability, Cerebral Palsy. The line between the struggles of people with mental illnesses and the struggles of disabled people is thin but there is still a line. I just want to highlight some of the ways that disabled people are especially discriminated against in a world built and run by abled people and how that can be different from how mental ill people experience alienation or stigmatization. These differences are also why I think that comparing a mental illness to a disability can be problematic. I am, however, also aware that there is overlap and that some diagnoses can be considered to have a foot in both arenas, this is in no way meant to be a hard and fast rule. I also don't claim to speak for the entire disabled community but a lot of the things under the ableism list are things that I've experienced myself which is the place that this post is coming from. I want people to realize that ableism is more than stigmatization and that it is engrained in the world that we live in.

Stigmatization comes from people misunderstanding your illness and how seriously it can impact you and your life. I would consider stigmatization to be things like:

People using your diagnosis as an insult or joke, further stigmatizing it. Ex: When ppl say things like "I'm so ocd" or "I'm so bipolar"

People ignoring your symptoms or attributing your symptoms to your character. For example, instead of recognizing the symptoms of your illness like executive dysfunction, someone might just call you lazy.

General lack of understanding or sympathy towards mentally ill people

Lack of accurate representations of mental illnesses in media. Most of the time the character with the mental illness is made to be the villain or antagonist. Once again, very stigmatizing and gross.

Also, for both mentally ill and disabled people it can sometimes be difficult or expensive to get the right medications you need.

Examples of everyday ableism and systematic ableism that's ingrained in our society which particularly affects disabled people include:

Someone using derogatory language to belittle and degrade your existence as a person. It positions you as less than. Can often be a targetted, direct attack at a disabled person. Ex: the r slur, words like "cripple", and using "deaf", "blind", or "disabled" as insults.

Mocking the way someone walks, moves, speaks, or exists as a disabled person.

No one taking you seriously because you are disabled/being subjected to infantilization. People assuming that you can't do anything for yourself.

Able-bodied people assuming the needs of a disabled person without asking them. Often this comes from a place of trying to be helpful but make sure you always ask what you can do to accommodate someone before assuming what they might need help with because it can be infantilizing

Example: I've had a lot of people assume that I need help putting on a jacket or getting my shoes on so they automatically start helping me with it and they basically end up treating me like a child because they assume that I can't do something.

People touching you or your equipment or mobility aids without your consent. Mobility aids can be like extensions of our body so do not touch them without our permission. This urge to violate a disabled person's space comes from the subconscious assumption that disabled people don't have their own autonomy.

Example: many times when I was a full-time wheelchair user people would come up behind me and just start pushing my wheelchair without asking or saying anything. Their intention was to help me get where I was going but it was very jarring to suddenly start being pushed without asking.

Being denied a job because you are disabled.

Job applications including physical ability requirements for non-physical or desk jobs to discourage disabled people from applying. Ex: "must be able to lift [x amount] of pounds"

Being denied the accommodations you need to be able to function in a school/work/home/other environment.

Lack of captions or audio descriptions

Being expected to work and move at the same pace as your peers all of the time.

Constantly feeling the need to "prove" yourself to the abled majority.

The idea that being abled is the ideal and that you need to do everything in your power to try to be as close to abled as possible. The idea that you shouldn't be comfortable with your disability. The notion that being disabled cannot be a whole or fulfilling identity.

A good example of this that people don't often think about are the viral videos that are like "Sally worked for months so that she could [struggle] to walk down the aisle at her wedding! Isn't that sweet?" Or the videos of kids feeling pressured to walk across the stage at graduation. These videos imply that struggling to perform ability is somehow better than being comfortably disabled.

The idea that disabled people can't be desirable, attractive, or sexy. The idea that they don't make good romantic partners.

Using disabled people as inspiration porn. This happens a lot with viral videos of disabled people where the comments amount to "if they can live with a disability, then you have no reason to complain about your life!" Disabled people do not exist to inspire you.

Also another personal example but one time in gym class I did more push ups than a girl who was able-bodied so she got all defensive and said "well if she can do that many then I'm gonna do more!" Like girl.... anyways...

Having to jump through a million hoops to get disability benefits. Or being denied disability benefits for arbitrary reasons.

Also once you get disability benefits it's barely anything. Also when you're on benefits you're not allowed to save up money and if you get married you lose benefits. I could make a whole other post about how disabled people are expected to live off of nothing but...

MOBILITY AIDS ARE SO EXPENSIVE HOLY SHIT

The world was built by and for able-bodied people. Architectural/environmental ableism occurs when there are no ramps, no accessible bathroom stalls, no elevators, no disability parking spaces, and/or no space for wheelchairs/mobility aids in public places.

This also happens a lot with public transportation. When I tried using the metro with my friends in DC, I had to have a security guard help me get down the escalator because there wasn't an elevator nearby. Right before I got on it, I saw a man force his wheelchair onto the escalator.

A smaller example but it can be as small as there not being a sidewalk ramp. One time I couldn't even cross the street because there was no sidewalk ramp and I was in a wheelchair. Once again, the world was built by able-bodied people.

Eco-ableism. It's when disabled people aren't considered when it comes to environmental activism. The best example of this is the straw debacle that happened last year. Every abled person and their mama wanted to complete ban plastic straws without acknowledging that a lot of disabled people need to use blendable, flexible plastic straws.

Another example that I've witnessed myself has been with automatic doors. I've had to tear down signs at my university that were put on automatic doors that said "save a polar bear, use the other door". Stop blaming disabled people's survival for environmental issues and blame big corporations.

Almost a complete lack of disability representation in media. Disabled kids don't have many people who they can look up to. I know I didn't have any.

The ableism that comes from abled parents of a disabled child.

For years I was told inaccurate information about my disability by able-bodied people, including my mother. It was only when I started researching my disability myself that I actually began to understand it.

Related to the previous point, lack of information or knowledge about certain disabilities

People assuming that just because someone is in a wheelchair that they can't move their legs or walk. This feeds into the idea that disabled people are "faking" their disability. The idea that someone is "faking" can lead people to be attacked or have people tell them that they don't "deserve" things like benefits or parking spaces.

People who straight up pretend they don't see us. I've had so many people try to cut me in line over the years just because they didn't think I would say anything or wanted to pretend they didn't see me.

I have friends who have delayed speech as part of their disability. If you know someone who has delayed speech or a stutter, don't fucking cut them off or try to finish their sentences for them. It's super rude and disrespectful.

DON'T FUCKING SAY THE R WORD. DON'T SAY IT! DON'T SAY IT EVEN IF YOU ARE DISABLED! THE R WORD IS SO ABLEIST AND STIGMATIZING STOP SAYING IT! DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR WRITING EITHER!

Lastly, about half of people killed by police have some sort of disability or mental illness. Disability is intersectional and it's important when talking about things like the BLM movement, women's rights, lgbtq+ rights, etc.

Hope this helped you learn something about ableism and how prevalent it is!

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Black Cloth and Star Systems- Fusion AU

Ao3,   MasterPost,  More of This AU

Legally speaking this is the second installment in my fusion au, and u should definitely read the first one!! but it is not necessary to understand this one.

Relationships: Romantic Analogical, (briefly) mentioned romantic Royality

Warnings: Tooth-rotting fluff, minor insecurity (it is Logan after all), one (1) kiss, excessive cuddling, Virgil and the Logan/Virgil fusion both have monster-like traits (big teef, pointy ears, nocturnal eyes, etc.), the fusion is also agender because I said so, and seriously lots of flowery descriptions cuz I was really having a good time with this one. Oh, and lack of sleep/unhealthy sleep schedules, brief mention of paranoia (very very minor), and I think I accidentally implied that Virgil has ADHD but that’s par for the course. 

Word Count: 3,797

Logan stared at the ceiling of his room, tired eyes tracing over the patterns etched into it. They were irregular, scrawls and lines that bumped up from the plaster and stretched on and on. If he squinted, they could almost look like maps- charting and directing the reader across a very foreign land, and in addition the reader might not be good with following maps, which would explain why this one seemed so vague. Or maybe it wasn’t showing a place at all. Nowhere real, at the very least. 

Oh, what the fuck was he talking about. The ceiling was a goddamn ceiling, and Logan was exhausted.

Sleeping would be the ideal solution, and it was something he definitely wasn’t opposed to, but by this point it was borderline impossible. Logan could shut his eyes, but he knew all he’d see would be that blinding flash of pink light. He could try and try to relax beneath his blanket, but still he would see double-set of eyes, swirling between emerald green and cinnamon brown, set behind big cutesy-framed glasses. He’d picture those two pairs of arms, that staggering display of height, and the body that was decorated with gold and crimson and sky-blue. 

What he was seeing was beyond understanding, and it was all that he could think about. His friends had fused. Patton and Roman, out of pretty much nowhere, had become one being right before everyone’s eyes. One burly, talkative, and endlessly fascinating being.

Like any person who persistently sought knowledge, Logan had taken to investigating the new creature at once. He’d had questions, burning questions, but Patron- as he’d named himself- had requested some alone time in his new form. It was a perfectly reasonable ask, so Logan resolved to postpone his interviewing until Patron was ready. But then, just as he was looking forward to finding out more about him that next morning, he was back to being two sides. Two sickeningly sweet sides who were way too caught up in their new relationship to answer any of Logan’s questions copacetically (All their answers had been full of purple prose, talking about how fusing was just the most amazing thing, and providing no real insight into it at all). 

Logan, presented with bizarre occurrences and offered no explanation, was understandably restless, abuzz with curiosity, and frustrated. And, if he was being honest, he was interested in the topic beyond what could be considered objective study, as well.

Very interested, in fact. He found himself wondering that… perhaps… Was he also capable of fusion?

Yes, the best way to learn about it would be to experience first-hand, so that would solve that problem. But that was hardly Logan’s entire reason for wanting to try it; Patton had soundly reported that forming Patron helped his and Roman’s communication by miles. Specifically vis a vis their more affectionate emotions, which really ended up being the thesis of the whole ordeal. It was, fundamentally, a very affectionate thing. 

Logan sat up abruptly, shooting a glare at his door from across the room. This was getting ridiculous; it would be a horrible idea to try something as significant as fusing with so little information on it. Just because it seemed self-explanatory didn’t mean that it was, and the results could be unstable and catastrophic!

But. 

But it wouldn’t be. There was the side he knew- the side he trusted- well enough to believe that it wouldn’t really go so awry.

Logan was making excuses.

What was there to be explained verbally that wouldn’t be much easier to just experience? Patron had proved two things: 1, fusing could happen, and 2, fusing could un-happen without issue. Any of the specifics would be figured out best by firsthand experience, that was pretty evident.

So Logan was making a few excuses, and maybe he was a bit scared about the whole thing, but so what? It was a moot point anyway, because Virgil would never want to participate in it, anyway. The idea of fusion would only upset the anxious side, maybe send him spiraling, and that was the last thing Logan wanted. 

With a groan, Logan flopped back down onto his bed, resuming his studious observation of the popcorn-patterned ceiling.

… 

Yeah, it wasn’t working.

Logan dragged himself up yet again, flinging the covers off of his legs harshly. He sat, immobile, glaring down just past the foot of his bed for an uncertain amount of time. He then heaved a very over dramatic sigh, kicked his legs over the side of his mattress, and stood. He set his feet down as though the carpet had personally wronged him, trodding across the room and throwing his door open with the same temperament. 

 The hallway was pitch dark, but Logan barely noticed it. He made his way down the stairs, the map of the Mindpalace splaying out in his head and directing him as well as light would. As soon as he hit the bottom of the stairs, his (moody) stomping ceased, for the time being. He tipped his head to one side, confused, as he listened out. 

There was a perfect silence.

An abrupt perfect silence. The very specific type of quiet that was too clearly manufactured. Such a- a tense hush could only be brought about by someone deliberately holding their breath. 

Logan shuffled his feet, peering into the blackness. Something shifted over by the couch, and the gleam of two reflectively-paneled eyes made themselves apparent. Logan yelped in fright, stumbling over his legs and bumping his back into the wall. 

There was a thump from across the room, a curse of ‘oh, shit’, and another shimmer from those eyes, animalistic and narrow. 

“Logan?” A gravelly voice asked, “Is that you?”

Logan blinked, staring at the dark silhouette that had come to stand before him. Animalistic, perhaps, but very very tall, and very very person-shaped. 

“Virgil?”

A lamp clicked on, washing the room in low and orange light, revealing that the creature was indeed Virgil. He looked considerably more human, now that he could be seen past his imposing outline- and he also looked more tired. 

Somehow, despite all of the other oddities in their situation, Logan found himself preoccupied by the smallest detail.

“Your eyes, Dear,” he drew forward for a closer look,  “How haven’t I noticed? They’re reflective!”

Virgil shrugged impassively, leaning down to let Logan hold his head and examine the unusual feature. 

“You can’t really tell unless it’s very dark out, or if you know what you’re looking for. I guess it just never came up.”

“But you can see in the dark, then?” Logan asked, perfectly aware that he sounded more than a little awed. Virgil just snorted, looking endeared. 

“Yup,” he popped the ‘p’, “Is it that big of a surprise?”

Logan turned the question over in his mind, but after a moment he shook his head, no. Virgil already had a multitude of unique attributes- his fangs, his claws, and a few more distinct things that only appeared when he got particularly stressed. (All of the sides had traits like those, actually. Of them, Logan was certainly the most average- the only discrepancy had to be his slightly exaggerated proportions, and even that couldn’t compare to some of the others’.)

Virgil hummed vacantly, shifting his weight a few times over. He kneaded his shoulder, glancing down at Logan with sudden interest. 

“So, what’s up with you? It’s like, three in the morning.” 

Logan stiffened, but tried to disguise the worry. 

“I could ask you the same question,” he deflected, ineffectively. Virgil only smirked in response. 

“I mean, I guess you could: paranoia, pent up energy, general inability to focus- you know, the stuff that keeps me up every night. You, though,” Virgil hovered over him, making him tilt his head back to keep eye-contact with their height difference. Logan felt his face flush, though it was only partially due to embarrassment. “You don’t stay up late, L, like ever.”

“I’ve just been thinking a lot,” he once more evaded. 

“You’re always thinking,” Virgil responded with a laugh, but he stood up straighter and gave Logan his space. Logan glanced up, confused, only to get a shrug by way of reply. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, babe. I’m not gonna, like, interrogate you. I just… wanna make sure you’re okay, is all.”

“Oh,” he smiled, “Yes, I am. Thank you.”

Virgil gestured to the couch, returning the smile.

“Wanna stay up with me? Might help you get your mind off whatever it’s on.”

Logan relaxed at that, nodding a bit sleepily as he followed his partner to the sofa. 

Virgil’s arm was twined around Logan’s waist, holding him into the taller trait’s side as they sat comfortably on the couch. In the near pitch dark, Virgil’s laptop was propped up against the coffee table, the screen lit up by slightly unnerving YouTube animations. 

Truth be told, though, Logan had paid attention to exactly none of them. He had a few reasons for this: one, he was very sleepy. Two, Virgil was warm- much warmer than himself, as Logan had always had strangely cold skin, and the heat was calming. And three, he was still caught up in his own thoughts, albeit less frantic and frightened versions of them by this point.

He knew that Virgil could easily sense his anxiety, but still, Anxiety did not pry. Add that to the many-paged list of reasons why Logan appreciated him as much as he did. 

Appreciate him he did, yes, and he also- he trusted him. Completely. To such a degree that, in the serene partial-silence between the couple, Logan found himself wondering what would happen if he just… told Virgil? If he explained what was on his mind, would it really upset him as much as he feared? The idea of fusing, well, just talking about it couldn’t be too much of a disaster. They were too strong, too stable for that.

“Virge?” Logan didn’t turn to look at him as he spoke. The name was really just a murmur on his lips, uttered noncommittally and with the hope that it might just go unheard.

With a soft click, the video paused, and Virgil shifted. 

“Yeah?”

Oh. He was really doing this.

“Could I ask you about something?” Logan would’ve left it at that, but feeling Virgil tense up beside him, he hurried to elaborate: “It’s nothing bad, my love, I just- it’s what’s been worrying me, this evening.”

“Uh- ask away, I guess..”

Logan took a deep breath, feeling his heart rate increase concerningly. He was thankful for the lack of light in the room; if the embarrassed heat spreading across his face was any indication, he likely looked just as nervous as he felt.

He exhaled, trying to focus on Virgil’s arm around him instead of the worries. Everything would be alright.

“You remember when Patton and Roman fused, I trust?”

There was an almost subtle intake of breath from Virgil. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t about to forget something like that, L.”

“Right, of course,” Logan found Virgil’s hand and wound their fingers together, fiddling with them. “I just wanted to know your thoughts on the situation.”

There was a beat.

“Um. I’m just relieved that they could get back to normal, I guess. I was sorta worried they’d get stuck- which doesn’t make a lot of sense in hindsight, but with how clingy they both are, I mean…” 

Logan hummed, encouraging him to go on, despite the intelligent side’s swiftly fading hope.

“But, like, now that I know they’re okay, I guess it’s not really any of my business?” Hesitation laced Virgil’s voice, as though he wasn’t sure what he was meant to say. “Other than that, though, I just think it’s kind of weird. Like, the whole idea of it. Fusion.”

“‘Weird’ in a negative sense?”

“I don’t know, man,” Virgil huffed, “I mean, I’m not a big fan of cartoons but- it’s weird like it’s interesting, weird like I wanna know more. If that makes any sense.”

Oh. That was promising.

“It does make sense,” Logan whispered, desperately emphatic. The glow of Virgil’s eyes turned to him, wide enough that they looked like little full moons.

“Did you-” he stopped short. Inhaled sharply. Then asked it all in a rush: “Are you asking because you wanted to try it? With me?”

Logan stayed silent, gripping too-tight to his boyfriend’s hand. He sounded… surprised? But maybe not upset? 

Oh, who was he kidding, he’d never been able to read tones, really, and it was too dark to try and figure out Virgil’s body language. He’d just have to go blind on this one.

“Yes,” Logan blurted, immediately holding his breath for a response.

Virgil was as stiff as a board. His hand was frozen in place, his gaze boring into Logan. 

“Are you sure?” 

His tone was soft, sweet, and so so careful. Logic blinked. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected from Virgil, but he knew that it wasn’t something so… gentle.

“I- maybe? It’s not necessary, if you don’t think you’d be comfortable with-”

“That’s not what I was asking,” Virgil interjected, “I wanna know if you’re sure that you want this, not how you think I feel.”

Logan mumbled an apology, feeling oddly chastised. He collected his thoughts and tried again.

“Yes, I’m sure. I- I trust you, Virgil.”

Virgil relaxed considerably, his head dropping to rest in Logan’s hair. 

“Okay. Good.”

And with that, he went quiet again. The show was not unpaused, though. Logan wondered if he was meant to say something, and if so he wondered what it was. But in the end he couldn’t make any sound at all.

Virgil’s hand slipped out of his, instead moving to the back of his neck. Logan instinctively leaned forward with its direction, letting himself be held close. In turn, he wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist, turning sideways into him. He was close enough now to hear the beat of the anxious side’s heart, which was always rather quicker than anyone else's. This time, though, it was like a hummingbird’s, hammering loud and excited.

Logan tilted his head (as much as he could) in confusion. Had the conversation somehow affected Virgil more than it first seemed? Was something about the situation that spiked his anxiety? But that didn’t add up, either, because his breathing was completely even, and he wouldn’t let anyone be this close to him if he really was panicking.

Before Logan could ask what- if anything- was wrong, Virgil nestled his face in his hair, holding him impossibly tighter. And at that point, they were pressed flush together head-to-toe. And that was what made it click. 

Oh, they were doing this now. This- this was Virgil’s way of attempting- 

Logan hooked his ankle around Virgil’s, clumsily attempting to reciprocate the- erm, the Thing That They Were Trying. Heat rose in his cheeks at even the thought of it. 

What was he supposed to do? Was there some way to activate it? Was it enough to simply touch, or was movement required to fuse? What if they couldn’t get it to work at all? That would make plenty of sense, Logan was logic and what was the possibility that he’d follow the same rules as, say, Roman-

“Hey.”

Logan glanced up, his neck straining at the angle. Virgil was gazing down at him, pupils expanded with fondness, his fingers easing through the hairs at the back of Logan’s neck.

“Calm down, okay?” 

Logan might have commented on the irony of that, but Virgil was leaning forward and pressing their lips together oh-so gently, and all his thoughts flew out of the proverbial window as he kissed back. 

It was soft, light, maybe a little clumsy. The touch was barely-there, really, just ghosting. And then it wasn’t there, at all. The feeling faded, as did so many others, but neither of them were moving apart- or at least, they didn’t think that they were. If anything, they seemed to be getting closer, and closer, but-

Closer to what, exactly?

They opened their eyes. Wait, no, they blinked a couple of times- ah, there, they opened all- five?- of their eyes. Not only was it no longer pitch black, but it seemed that lights had been conjured above them, dozens of tiny purple and blue tea lights that cast the living room in a pleasant glow.

Had- had they caused that? Somehow?

Conjuring on accident- how did they manage that? And what else could they do? What couldn’t they do, though, in this new form? Something like them was bound to have limitations.

They stood up sharply, and immediately cracked their head against the ceiling. They yelped in pain, silently amending that standing up straight while indoors was the first limitation to note. They hunched over, managing to keep upright if they just bent their knees and tilted their neck. And that brought on a much more important investigation into themself: their new physical form.

They were obviously very tall, but also sort of- long in general? Their limbs, their fingers, their face, every feature was very narrow, almost spider-like. And, on the topic of spider-like limbs, they had two sets of arms; one in the usual place, but another placed behind that, curving around from just under their shoulder blades. In addition, their fingers, lithe and spindly, were six on each hand. Despite the unordinary length to many of their appendages, though, they were still noticeably muscular. Wide shoulders, a defined abdomen, and sturdy legs.

With a sharp wave of their hand, they conjured a full-body mirror to hang in front of them, promptly leaning over to examine themself.

Their face was made of edges; sharp cheekbones, pointed ears, and blocky glasses that covered all of their eyes but the middle one. They ran their fingers through their shaggy, curled up hair- a good deal of which fluffed forwards past their forehead and into their face. It was mixed colors, swirls of purple and blue blending together in soft, bouncy locks. 

They had interesting features aplenty, but one thing stood out dramatically. One thing that drew their attention at once. 

The mouth.

Their lips were dark- almost black, with hints of color toned under it. They dragged a finger along it, but it didn’t wipe away like makeup. They opened their mouth, revealing long needles of teeth, dozens and dozens of them top and bottom- all except for the upper canines. Those were thick, overly large, and tinted with purple. They ended in dangerous looking points, shoving out past the new side’s lips even when they closed their mouth, appearing much like an arachnid's venomous mandibles. 

They took a step back from the mirror, experimentally poking their big fangs. To their surprise, the teeth moved; just a wiggle, but enough to show that they were mobile, that they could be flexed and retracted. Well, that was...

That was sick as hell.

Now, to investigate their outfit: they were a little monstrous, sure, but also very smartly dressed. They wore a navy blue plaid waistcoat, laid overtop of a pastel purple sweater, which in turn was beneath a plain, black, short-sleeved button-up shirt. Their tie was a simple white with subdued flecks of violet and sapphire, dotted to look intentionally asymmetrical. 

Their lower half also bore a layered aesthetic: sheer lavender leggings beneath strategically ripped black jeans. They also wore a short, tight skirt over it, the color and pattern matching that of their waistcoat. A few chains dangled from the belt loops on their hips, clinking a little as they moved. They had sleek black shoes with small platforms, something vaguely Demonia-style. Altogether, the look was a strange blend of elegant and alternative. Strange, but very, very, very… becoming, to say the least. 

They couldn’t help staring at themself. Actually, ogling might be the more accurate word. They were hot, was that vain to say? If it was, they didn’t particularly care, because it was true. Of all the things they could have been together, confident wasn’t expected, but it was more than welcome. Because- damn.

Five minutes of gawking at their own reflection wound up being enough, in the end, and they forced themself to wave the mirror back out of existence. There were so many more things to consider about themself, after all, and that just couldn’t wait any longer. There were infinite things to know, God, they were a new creature entirely.

It was… it was overwhelming. They had so many questions. They had so many concerns, millions of them, and millions of thoughts that didn’t fit into either of the aforementioned categories, thoughts that existed just to fill up space in a head that suddenly felt overpacked. Too many minds in such a reduced space.

It’s okay, they thought, sucking in a deep, slow breath, One at a time, Dear.

There’s too much. I can’t see it all. I can’t explain all of it.

Which half of them was that? Was it… both? Both of them, comforting and receiving comfort? What an impossible creation they’d become! Wait, no, they had to focus on calming down before they gave that any thought. 

We can’t get to all of it, they agreed with themself, Some of it, though, certainly.

Like what?

They thought for a moment.

We could start with a name?

Oh. That’s probably important.

Yes, just a bit. 

They let their breath out in a laugh, pulling their sleeves past their hands and curling their fingers in the fabric. It took only a second of contemplation before, quite promptly, they knew what they were going to be called from now on. They knew their name, and everything else began to click into place from there.

Livril.

They sighed, contented, and sat back into the corner of the sectional. They didn’t exactly fit, curling up on the couch as they had before, but they were easily flexible enough to find a way. Now that they knew their name, they could really start learning who exactly Livril was.

There was so much they could learn from this, so many things they could enjoy this way. What music did they like? (Probably sad. Most certainly folk punk.) How did they speak? (sharply, they would guess.) How did they move? (Quick, startling, definitely fidgety.)

And that was hardly all, though it was a good start. There was so much more to get to, and they intended to answer all of it as soon as possible.

...But that ‘as soon as possible’ would probably be in the morning, because Livril fell asleep exactly two minutes after their head hit the couch cushion.

Taglist: @shrimp-crockpot @glitter-skeleton-uwu @donnieluvsthings @intruxiety @thefivecalls @did-he-just-hiss-at-me @gayformlessblob 

[lifeinthegladhouse]

long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

---

There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE. 

[hopetofantasy]

Wandering Romance

- A future with child fic -

Square Filled: Future, Family, Past lovers Ship: Sander Driesen/Robbe Ijzermans   Trigger Warnings (if applicable): none applied.   Created for @skamevents Summary: “A perfect, tight little family. But happy. Until one unfortunate day in May, in the year that David turned six.”  

In the future, Robbe and Sander have a son named David. The only tie they have left with each other, actually. Because our lovers split up years ago, due to mistakes that were made in the past.  

So is their love strong enough to sustain a healthy friendship? Will they find their way to each other again or break all connections for good?

Also available on AO3

—————————————————————

CHAPTER 2: 'No one sees what I see in you’

—————————————————————

“So this is it then?”

A beautiful boy with mesmerizing eyes lying in arms. The warmth of love. It felt like puzzle pieces finally fitting together, after months of frustration and searching for anything that might look like it. Something that had been missing for quite some time. It just didn’t add up? Long sighs, hurtful eyes, loaded silences that made them more sad than happy. Their love wasn’t strong enough to deal with this...

No, he didn’t believe that.

They were strong enough.

Just not now...

He was caressing the cheek of his lover, his best friend, his partner in crime. Another part of the pair, the amazing family they had. Fathers. Their boy. All tossed away, like it was nothing. A paper crumbled in the trash. Like they never even were. And because of what? Why? Why now? Why this? This wasn’t right. They both knew it wasn’t.

He sighed to stop the spiraling.

His hands started to clench into a fist. He was so angry at first, he was so angry and sad at the world. He was promised forever, they both promised each other that their love would survive anything. The perfect man in a beautiful white suit and him wearing the black one. Ying and yang. Always complimenting each other, begging for a deeper connection, receiving it and now cutting it away.

Like his heart.

“Is this it? Can’t we keep trying? Please?”

His eyes were staring inside those deep ones. His tanned skinned hand slightly caressing his lover’s arm. Mindlessly. They were used to pillow talk until the early morning, the sunrise. The night sky turning from dark blue to light orange hues, exactly the color he once made by accident, trying out the paint samples on his palette. A beautiful coincidence. Just like the night they met.

As if faith knew.

When the other boy didn’t answer, he just went for it. His lips trying to convey everything he felt inside the troubled mind, his hands feeling every hitched breath taken away from his other half, the softness of a wanted caress, but also the sting from nails digging in his back, the bite of pleasure, the strained movement of legs  - as if love couldn’t be felt without some pain. It suited them, he thought. Every day could be a high. Every day could be a low.

His fingers gripped the sheets of their shared bed. Sharing it for the last time.  

“Oh my god, schat”, exclaimed the one.

“I love you”, answered the other.

“I love you too”, was moaned.

“Don’t leave me, please”, was said.

A tear rolling off a heated cheek.

Kissed by soft eyelashes.

The silence that followed wasn’t wounding. It was passion, it was love, it was a high that never experienced a low. A white light behind the eyes. Stars for their lights. Something shared only between them. And never would be again.

“Let us go... please”

The whisper.

And that’s when Sander woke up from his dream.

When he started to cry.

-^-

“Papa, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, darling, always. What is it?”

“How did you and paps meet?”

Oof, that was such a loaded question for a Monday morning. And he didn’t even have his first coffee yet. His eyes instantly analyzed David’s face, which was just a pure reflection of playfulness and wonder. The tiny boy seemed to concoct something on his breakfast croissant. It looked like choco spread, decorated with speculaas cookies.

What is this? Where the hell did he get that idea? This can’t be healthy right?

“Sweetie, did you eat a hearty sandwich before shoving this in your mouth? You can’t live on sweets, you know that. You won’t grow to be a big boy, then!”

“But, papa, I like it. Can I have this, like... one time?”

Oh no, not the puppy eyes.

He was a real manipulator with those big brown orbs. The kid was 9 years old, for God’s sake, how could he be this smart? He knew exactly how to play the game to convince them of mischievous things, things that were bad for him and stuff they needed to say ‘no’ to. But it was sooo rewarding to just say ‘yes’. Just to see the beautiful grin creep up onto the face he loved so much.

Something Sander wanted to collect in a jar and pull out whenever he had his ‘cloudy days’. David didn’t understand the concept of bipolarity yet, so once he was old enough to notice something, they had sat him down to explain. “David, sweetie. You know how papa is sometimes a bit different?”, Robbe tried to approach the subject, while their son stared with unsung tears in his eyes.

“Yeah, he lies on the bed and sleeps and don’t eat and is very, very sad. I don’t understand. Does papa hate me? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry...”

If the room was a stethoscope, the family would’ve heard a heart breaking. It was one thing that Robbe had to deal with his mania and depression. Now another innocent soul was being corrupted by his stupid brain and Sander just couldn’t deal with that. The pain he might induce, the worry in his soul almost growing too much. But as always, his other half seemed to know what to do. While holding his hand, to anchor him back to this world, Robbe explained.

“No, darling. Papa will always love you. Even if you did bad things. But now you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? You see, people have a bright sun inside them. And sometimes that happy, beautiful sun will have clouds blocking their light. Clouds who bring in bad weather, like being tired, not being hungry, not wanting to talk, have sad thoughts, just wanting to sleep all the time. And that’s okay. Because after a few days of rain, comes the sunshine, right?”

“And sometimes a rainbow!”, their beautiful boy exclaimed.

A couple of teeth missing in the front, but his smile was beaming nonetheless. It melted their hearts. “Yes,” Sander whispered softly. If he wasn’t sure about how much he loved his curly angels before, he knew now. When did he become so lucky to have such beautiful love? Him and his loving partner hugging their soft boy, giggling all together, without a care in the world. A fulfilling life.

Perfection.

“Papa, are you there?”

Sander blinked back some tears, while trying to focus on the situation at hand. David was glaring at him, already halfway through the disgustingly sweet croissant in his hands. Some crumbs were falling down the plate. And the choco paste tainting his pink cheeks. The look in his face was peculiar, like he tried to figure out what his dad was thinking. If he was going ‘cloudy’.

“David... I do remember that I never told you ‘yes’, right?”

The answer was a simple shrug.

“You didn’t answer my question about paps, either. C’est la vie.”

To say that Sander was perplexed, is an serious understatement.

-^-

When Sander was thirteen, he knew.

He wasn’t normal.

This was way before he was diagnosed with bipolarity, but that wasn’t the only thing not fitting the ‘standard normal’. He knew the boys in his class and he simply didn’t like them. They were all talking about video games, Call Of Duty: Black Ops, while eating their weight in greasy snacks and referring to girls like pieces of meat. Making jokes about what they learned from their older siblings or watching too much nighttime television.

And he didn’t.

He liked to write, he wanted to be a writer someday. And paint. Drawing was amazing. Sander loved walking around with cut jeans, graphic band t-shirts and a bleached buzzcut. One day, he’d love to have a pierced eyebrow. That was considered cool in his book. Maybe his career would be ‘rock-and-roll’ artist, since he played the drums too. Something to get his energy out.

Because he had ADHD.

At least, that’s what his doctor said. He just wanted different things than others and sometimes all at once. Was that weird? Apparently so. But he wasn’t entirely convinced about having the disorder. It sounded ill-fitting. Like a shrunken skinny jeans in the dryer, the broken mug in his room where he put his discarded pencils. It didn’t make sense.

Because he was who he was.

He liked who he was.

But who was he exactly?

He knew the day he changed schools. His mom somehow knew, the way only mothers do, that the previous school wasn’t the right fit for him. His course orientation was ‘sciences’ and he almost failed everyone of his classes. Sander was struggling to keep afloat. Almost drowning at the formulas and facts and figures. Those were more abstract to him than art. Art made sense, somehow?

And that’s why his mom send him to an art school.

There he saw people with asymmetric hair, nose rings and cut t-shirts. Girls with alluring auras, rainbow shoes and paint covered arms. Boys with mesmerizing eyes, fresh make-up and decorated backpacks. Beautiful souls who talked about art like breathing. Who understood things like writer’s block, portrait frustration and tunnel vision.

And he fell in love with them, all of them.

His people.

It took him a few years to understand what else made him special. Because he did fall in love with people’s souls, their auras, instead of a specific gender. It was a highlight in his life when he figured that one out. He finally knew another piece of the puzzle. Life was complicated, but knowing something more about yourself, made it so much easier.

His first crush was on a dark skinned boy from his drawing class. He didn’t reciprocate feelings, but liked Sander as a friend. Ekon appreciated the way Sander caught him in his art pieces. Complimented him on how he perfectly attained his off-beat smile, when someone made a joke at his expense. He was a quiet boy. But a boy, nonetheless.

And then there was Saartje. An unconventional girl, even for an art school. She seemed to walk around like an ice queen surrounded by raging fires. Hated every thing he suggested to lift her sculptures to a new level, always answering his comments with a cold stare. Such a soft girly name for such a raging bitch.

And Sander couldn’t help but fall.

Hard.

Without parachute.

But she used that to her advantage.

His love was treated as an exchange. If Sander would shut up about his newest passion called David Bowie, she’d give him a kiss. When he asked her on a date, she would think about it. Maybe if Sander could persuade the teacher to give her a better grade? And if he paid? Being the hormonal teenager he was, he obliged. And he believed. He was tricked into uncertain love.

Something he carried with him.

Especially after his eventual diagnosis. He dated Britt. He thought he deserved this kind of love. The uncertainty, the doubt, the hardships. It was all his brain’s fault, for being the way he was. Love? Love was something to be earned, not to be given. And nobody would give that up so easily for someone as broken as him.

Until that one boy,

in the moonlight.

He never saw true beauty ‘til this night.

And his heart,

did love as true again.

-^-

“Do you want any help with that?”

“Papa, I know how to make myself look like Bowie, you know.”

Sander snorted. He was truly a son of his, wasn’t he? This tiny boy was sitting on a high chair, right in front of a mirror, attempting to put on the make-up in a dramatic way. The tip of his tongue spilling out his lips, trying very hard to focus. He couldn’t stop staring at this sight, which filled him with pride. He must have taught him well.

The next generation was secured.

“Dad, stop staring at me and go find my other dad.”, David said sternly.

Ok, but who was the parent in this relationship exactly? Sometimes Sander didn't know. Yet, catching the eye of the supervisor right behind him, he was sure that everything was going to be a-okay. Maybe he did needed to find Robbe and the boys. It’ll do him some good. It had been ages since they had some real interaction that wasn’t through a phone.

It wasn’t difficult to spot them through the crowd of curious adults. The exaggerated screaming at each other was enough. Robbe had been pulled into the biggest hug by Milan, flanked by a jumping Moyo, giggling Aaron and a serious Jens. It sounded like the weirdest end of the world. But the feeling that coursed through his heart wasn’t unusual.

Pride.

For what they all achieved.

How they all stayed together.

Through hell and back.

Moyo had, somehow, become a successful club owner of a couple of nightlife establishments all around the city. From an only-known-by-initiates speakeasy to a high paid, high-end sky club, he knew what he wanted to do with his life and brought it to the table. Jens, on the other hand, went on a totally different route. After failing to start a few start-ups, he became g a video editing/sound mix freelancer and stay-at-home dad to help his lawyer-wife.

Aaron was still on the grind as a social worker, working until late at night to fight for the hardest cases. “These people deserve a happy ending”, he’d always say. And Sander couldn’t agree more.

Last but not least, Milan. The interior designer with an ecological mind. He had helped them out with the decoration of their home, which was totally picture perfect. And still cheap as f.

After the whole ordeal of greeting, Robbe seemed to have a huge smile plastered on his face. That was good, Sander though. Lately he looked so lost, certainly in Sander’s neighborhood. And he didn’t know why. As far as he knew, he didn’t say or do anything wrong. On the contrary. He’d encouraged Robbe to bring Wouter along, saying it was totally okay to find love again.

Where was that bastard, anyways?

“Heeeeeey, Jack Frost!”, the entire group turned towards him and engulfed him into an instant hug. Causing a lot of high pitched giggling, ‘omg, your hand is on my butt’-s and eye rolls. The warmth next to him was familiar, though. As was the scent. Which made his heart drum a little harder, like it wasn’t stating the obvious already. Pulling away, the electrified gaze lingered.

“How are you?”, the one asked.

“I’m good.”, the other answered.

He wanted to know more. Sander always wanted to know more. His heart never stopped beating for this boy, so everything he would say, would be engraved in his soul. His broken mind. His eternal love. That would never change. Even through the pain, he knew that they belonged together. That it was neither fault. Life just happened.

Like always.

But before he could ask anything else, a woman approached the brown haired man. Some colorful glasses, a beautiful classic dress and an intrigued smile on her face. Robbe immediately greeted her as ‘Mrs. Raymaeckers’. “I saw David backstage. Are you ready to see the performance, Mr. Ijzermans?”, she politely asked. Robbe slowly nodded his head with a careful smile.

“Ofcourse, David is going to be amazing, he was bouncing off the walls about this. I’m interested in what he’s going to play...”

“Ah yes. The David Bowie thing. He’s truly special, isn’t he? Unique in some ways.”, she giggled, while wrapping her hand around his arm. Causing a lot of heads unsubtly turning towards the gesture.

“I love how he has such a playful spirit. Does he have that from his father or his mother?”. She blinked rapidly. Auburn hair tossed over her shoulder. A beaming smile.

Wait...

Was she...

Trying to flirt with him?

A potential married man?

Sander saw how the other boys desperately held in their laughs. Some of them failed. Robbe’s cheeks reddened slightly, like he didn’t know how to answer this delicate question.

She just assumed he was straight?

That was such heteronormativity.

It irked the beach blonde man, that people could still think this way, like a child couldn’t have two fathers or mothers?

“He has that from me, actually.”

Six pairs of eyes bore into his. Most of them applauding the ballsy move on his part, one of them grateful for this way out. The last one, however, went through a whole process.

Confusion, calculation, realization and shame.

“Oh... I’m sorry.”, Mrs. Raymaeckers sheepishly stated. "I didn’t know. I just assumed... Ahem. Well, I’m gonna check the rest. Bye, Mr Ijzermans. Bye, Mr-”

“Driesen.”, he answered coldly.

“Bye, Mr. Driesen.” And with that, she was gone. As fast as the wind.

He didn’t like it.

He just didn’t.

How people could still think the way they did, how they would just come up to potential married men and flirt with them? How was that okay?

He knew he was clenching his fist, because of the pain. Fingernails making tiny half moons. It stung. Jealousy and anger tasting like poison in his mouth. His stare trying to find a fixated spot to calm his breathing.

He found it in some deep brown eyes.

A cautious smile coming towards him. He knew. Robbe always knew what Sander needed, even when he didn’t know himself. He was intuitive that way. His beautiful man, such a perfect human. The father of his child. And he couldn’t help, but sigh. Breathing slowly, heart thumping. A small caress around his fist, trying to soften the harsh ache. Only making the ache in his heart greater.

“Robbe”, he whispered silently.

“Yeah, Sander?”

He didn’t say anything more. He couldn’t. Robbe needed to live his own life, making his own mistakes, battle his own prejudices. Feeling his own real love. So Sander just stood there. Looking at the face he adored the most and he started to notice something. It almost looked like Robbe was anticipating this, was waiting for some kind of answer, some kind of truth.

And that's when they heard it.

A David Bowie lookalike coming onto the stage.

Childlike coughing in the microphone.

The first notes of a guitar riff.

The scratchy start of ‘doodoodoo''.

The song.

David Bowie.

The sign.

“You've got your mother in a whirl She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl Hey babe, your hair's alright Hey babe, let's go out tonight You like me, and I like it all We like dancing and we look divine You love bands when they're playing hard You want more and you want it fast They put you down, they say I'm wrong You tacky thing, you put them on.

Rebel rebel, you've torn your dress Rebel rebel, your face is a mess Rebel rebel, how could they know? Hot tramp, I love you so!”

[dontcallmekoda]

Depression is stupid

So I’m gonna start by saying i literally made a new account because I have friends on my old one (which i haven't posted on in years btw) that i don’t really want to see this.

Well lets get into it

I was diagnosed, while in the military, with chronic depression.  I’ve gone through counseling, tried natural supplements, and even been on medication but everything only seems to work temporarily.  No matter what i seem to do it always comes back. Counseling was my favorite of the three because with the other 2 it felt like i was corking the problem and not attempting to resolve it.  Now i haven’t been to a counselor in a few years as I’ve been able to keep it at bay with good habits (eating better, getting adequate sleep, taking time for socializing, etc.) however I knew I’d still need to deal with it I’m just doing my best to minimize it.  With that being said I’m noticing the patterns of it coming on again and that scares me because depression has made me do some stupid things in the past and I do not want to ruin where i have got myself to.  I have a good job, a nice truck, a good relationship with both my parents (which was not always the case) and frankly i found myself truly happy with how far i have come but i want to continue moving forward which is why i made this account to vent about the stupid things I’m doing as to not let them fester in my mind overthinking them dozens of times.

So one of my first signs actually has to do with my interactions with the opposite sex.  I’ve never been any kind of womanizer or fuck boy for that matter but when i start to notice a decline the first thing i start to want is an orgasm. Although,when you are Poly and single that can be pretty hard to obtain, also add in the fact that I’m not really a charmer and I’ve always been the weirdo of the group and that leads to me having only really ever had 2 sexual relationships.  Now wanting to have an orgasm i feel is pretty natural the dopamine helps stabilize to keep you from feeling so down you cant do anything so i usually end up masturbating but that can tend to be like eating bread when you want a sandwich.  Anyways I still usually try and find someone to hookup with or start a relationship with at this time which is hard because a hookup would have to be a friend or someone i already have some sort of connection with and i believe that has lead to quite a few female acquaintances distancing themselves because of the way i acted and i always seem to regret that when i get my head back on straight.  A relationship however isn’t better because I’m usually rushing past all the red flags and putting myself into a shitty situation in which i end up hurting the other person due to my lack of perception in the early part of the relationship.  Even though this process normally starts because of my problems i always end up blaming myself and making my condition worse because of my urges and it honestly saddens me that there are many awesome people who will probably only remember me as a fuck boy that tried to get into their pants at one point.

Now obviously there are two threads from here the one where i was with someone and the one where i was by myself.  I’d like to dive into the relationship thread first as that has never worked out the way i hoped (see Single above) now i have gone through my lows in both romantic relationships and each had a different outcome due to having different partners so ill go through each individually.  My first was definitely my first love we spent so much time together that we basically lived together at least 18 months of our 2 years together.  She was with me through basic and it was after basic that my depression really hit me hard (uncorked my medication while in service and i was basically told i wasnt good enough for military even though i had perfect scores through basic) and she stayed and helped me through that.  We stayed together for almost a full year after basic until i was fired from not 1 but 2 jobs.  The firings killed my confidence and i was so low that i didn’t want to drag my love down with me and distanced myself.  One thing led to another and eventually she left me for someone else who she is still happy with today.  Now on to relationship number 2 and this one was a little different as it started with me already in a depression.  It had been 5 years since me and my previous girlfriend had broken up and i was pretty down.  I lived with 2 actors who could bring girls in just about whenever they wanted and that led me to compare myself to them can be pretty degrading when they start talking numbers and while theirs are in the 20s and 30s and you have to sit back like well at least I’m not a virgin.  Enter my second girlfriend who was very obviously into me and i jumped into it like a recovering junkie.  It took me about 2 weeks to establish a connection with her and then when i was comfortable and able we did the deed and i started to feel better about myself little by little as my confidence grew so did my performance at work and thus came raises and i was able to buy my new-ish truck and cross that off my bucket list.  With everything that was going on i fell in love with this girl not for who she was but who she had helped me become and now that i look back that feels very selfish of me.  It then became my goal to help her in whatever way i could as she had anxiety that affected her very harshly.  I did everything i could but started to feel overbearing and like help wasn’t what she wanted.  After time all the red flags that had been there since the beginning started choking me like a bad scarf of my own design.  She started turning on me for helping her and when i decided to leave she threatened to kill herself for it.  Seeing how toxic the relationship had become i left but i feel like if i had been more coherent in the beginning i wouldn’t have hurt her as bad.

Now on to the second thread of being single.  The ebb and flow is pretty common as the vast majority of the time i have been single.  We’ll start this thread from after i have already hit the depression and then move to the effects (note: many of these symptoms i go through in relationship too its just how i handled them that changes).  I begin by spending less time following my good habits usually my personal care declines (stop showering everyday, don’t get enough sleep, eat like crap, etc.) then it starts affecting my job, i make little mistakes which i get harder and harder on myself about the gremlin in my head (who doesn’t pay rent) starts telling me how worthless i am and how i can never live up to anyone standards even my own and whatnot. Next i begin to distance myself from friends and family feeling like i’m a burden and that people are faking how they feel about me.  I then lose the ability to focus on just about anything even worse than normal (adhd too yay).  Finally, i begin to lash out at anyone who kept close and usually end up quitting my job and getting stuck like this for months.  In the past this has led to me losing the ability to work many places in my city,  tarnishing relationships especially those of my parents in the past, weight gain, less self confidence than when i started, and eventually me somehow getting out of the hole usually through a new job or friendship or something else random.  The results of these has led to me having 13 jobs in the last 7 years and i have probably chased off more friends than some people have had.

Anyways this has been my rant on why depression is stupid.  I would like to say i did not come here and write this looking for help I came to vent my frustrations of my own chemical imbalance.  To anyone who has decided to take the time to read this feel free to send me any questions as i enjoy talking about my struggle if it helps someone else all in all that is the one thing that has always made me feel better is when i can be a light for one persons darkness and so i ask if you are also in a dark place reach out because it cant help the person helping you just as much...if that makes sense

[leggigoesabroad]

we’re only here on borrowed time

Sitting on a lovely, smooth, high-speed train from Nuremberg, Germany to Paris.  Yesterday was a day from hell which I'll lightly get into but not dwell on, but for now, I'm so happy.  I'd be remiss to not mention why!!  Part of the reason I decided to book the train instead of flying from Prague to Paris was for many uninterrupted hours to listen to this new book my doctor recommended for me, called "Stress Less, Accomplish More" but Emily Fletcher.  It obviously sounds like a typical self-help book, but I have a crush on my doctor and she really sold it for me.  (BTW she's no older than like, 32, is married with two kids, super pretty, and totally gets me.  She's very female-centric and one time said 'I'll never let you leave here without a prescription for more birth control, we will never let the system be the reason you're struggling with something' after asking if I had enough for the foreseeable future.  Joke's on her, I'm single AF, but it really spoke to me.)  She said it's a book about meditation and although I've tried meditating before, I am a little bit of a natural skeptic as to allllllllll of its listed benefits.  She said this super simple technique helps you sleep better, greatly reduces anxiety/depression, get sick less often, be more effective at work, eliminate jet lag, on and on.  She said she honestly can't say enough about it and it completely changed her life.  I took this as a way to be more like her and immediately bought it.  Also because I wanted her to like me.  Incidentally, she texted me a few days ago inviting me to a new women's group she's developing for people in my demographic who are going through the same things.  Because like of COURSE she did!! She also tells me to call her Casey instead of by "Doctor" and man I should stop now this is getting weird.

Anyway, this book is by an ex-Broadway performer who noticed she was going grey at age 28 (cough cough I am too) and was sick of all the medications she used to treat these symptoms and wanted to get more at the root.  She talks about how simple this meditation method is - 15 minutes twice a day - and how it is literally the best thing she's ever done for herself in her life.  After her course, she asks people how much money it would take to stop meditating.  They all say something between "500 million dollars" and "no amount of money in the world, because what would be the point without everything else meditation gives me?"  I booked the train so I could set aside several hours to listen to the book, especially on this trip, because we all know from the Thailand blog era that being far away in new countries is often what helps me make decisions in life and really self-reflect.  Yes, I hear how extra that sounds, but I'm fine with it.  I'm only on Chapter 5 and I keep intermittently crying!!  We haven't even gotten to the part where she tells me HOW to meditate!  Just her background on why it works and the entire theory behind it.  The author talks about one case in which a guy with advanced Parkinson's started her sessions and after literally the first one, his tremors disappeared during the entire 15 minutes and for 5 minutes after.  She said when they both opened their eyes he asked if she had noticed, and she said she did, and started crying because it was arguably the most profound moment of her career.  I'm crying typing this.  Ugh.  She doesn't claim that meditation will cure chronic illnesses of course, but rather that it's the best thing one can possibly do to supplement medical instruction and for some ailments, it can indeed end up replacing them.  She said after she started the practice, she didn't get sick again (cold, flu, anything) for EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS!!  Because when the body can use sleep at night to fully rest and not just as a band-aid for stress relief, your immune system can work at its intended level and not allow any of these small things to come into play.  You'd think I'd be getting paid for this post, but alas, I'm only 5 chapters in and get ready for me to be even more insufferable than usual when I get home.

Onward.  Last I left off I was in a cafe with Lizzy in Prague.  We stayed for a few hours and actually got a lot of work done!  Turns out my freelance deadlines don't disappear when I go to Europe, hmm.  We then walked to an area called Petrin, which from afar just looks like a tree-covered hill.  It's actually an uphill path in an expansive park that ultimately overlooks the entire city of Prague.  The more we went up, I kept thinking "we must be at the top by now" and then new buildings and castles and paths and orchards would appear.  It felt like a hidden fairyland with twists and turns and new beautiful sights along the way.  I posted a pic on the gram, but at one point we came to a clearing and there was a picture-perfect snapshot of the entire city through the trees.  With the red roofs and striking architecture I again almost felt like crying.  Also saw a bunch of couples making out in the orchards with no shame all, so that was something.  Good on 'em, ay.  We stopped for a glass of wine at the top (duh) and ended up chatting about work/management styles/feelings about jobs/etc.  Something great about Lizzy is that it turns out for everything I'm interested in, she's in grad school for.  I felt like she was the manifestation of all things fascinating to me.  Kinda like when you meet someone really smart who is able to vocalize all the things you feel about things, but better.  Like Hilary, but not my sister.  Like Jay Wong, but not my boss!  We talked about Kitty and her job search and then got into the concept of finding a job by figuring out what you love and what comes naturally to you, and then seeing how you can get paid for it.  She loved hearing about Kitty and SpotX and the proposal she had to do about team-building and customer engagement, and we chatted all about different marketable skills.  I remember crying to Hil many years ago (Hil if you read this, do you remember??) about how I *thought* I was smart but I hated studying/learning/school and my grades reflected that, and how I've squandered all my potential, I'm actually really dumb, etc.  BTW in retrospect I now see a lot of that as my undiagnosed ADHD and I wish I had understood it earlier to get ahead of it, but it's okay.  Hil at the time told me that she may have great grades and a good job, etc., but that she can't walk into a room and command attention or just become friends with everyone, and that skills come in all shapes and sizes and one isn't better than another.  I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL AGAIN.  Remember when my blogs used to be carefree and funny?  Me either.

After that, Lizzy and I walked all through the grounds of the Prague Castle and wound our way down the hill to the Charles Bridge, and stopped for another drink.  Then we got into a whole discussion about relationships and sexuality.  Later, when we were hanging out with her husband, Rob, I found myself saying over and over: "It's like what Lizzy and I were talking about earlier..." and he was like "how did you guys somehow talk about EVERYTHING today?!"  Females, man.  Eventually she went back to her place to shower and I checked into my Airbnb across the street.  Got SO EXHAUSTED and almost fell dead asleep while waiting for her before dinner, but rallied, and so glad I did.  We took the tram up the hill to a nice restaurant for dinner, then went to an Irish pub to watch the Liverpool/Barcelona game.  No one there remembered the epic call from 2010 World Cup that Ned and I quote all the time, but hey, we do and that's what counts. ("AND YOU COULD NOT WRITE... A STORY LIKE THIS.")  We got there at halftime and were ordering drinks at the bar when a guy sitting at the bar was a real dick and says to me and Lizzy, "just so you know, when the game's on again, you've gotta move.  I sat here on purpose for a good view, so make sure you move." Then turned to his partner and we could clearly hear him saying things like, "Fuckin' ridiculous they're standing right there during the game... I'm not going to let that happen... no fuckin' way" Um, a) it's half time. b) it's a bar and we're at the bar ordering drinks. c) WE KNOW. d) fuck off.  He kept talking about us after we moved and she and I briefly thought about starting shit but you know, foreign country and all that.  Luckily he was cheering for Liverpool and they got stomped in the second half to lose the game and we rejoiced. :)

Went to a weird, dark "Books" bar after that and we were almost the only people there.  There were condoms in the bathroom and I took one as a joke to show Rob and Lizzy, but now it's still in my bag and freaks me out every time I reach for my Chapstick.  We went back to their house afterwards and I kid you not, just watched Harry Styles videos.  Turns out they both love him, especially Rob, which is so rich to me.  He was like "this guy is just like coolness personified and he's so talented and he's weirdly attractive in kind of a feminine way but also masculine and he has such a nice voice and swagger...." you'd think I planted Rob to say this to me, but no.  We watched the entirety of his Carpool Karaoke as I told them all of my favorite parts ("I was back middle." "Why am I always Julia Roberts??" "I cry in like, a cool way.")  It's like when someone says to me, "you know, I'd love to know more about the meanings behind Taylor Swift's songs but I never learned, what are all of the albums about?" And I look around expecting that I'm being Punk'd.  Parted ways with them and thanked them for everything and told them I was very grateful for our summer camp relationship.  You know, the kind that is intensely strong, and very brief.  I may never see them again and yet we spent 15 hours straight together on Wednesday and I had one of the best days ever.  See you in another life, brotha.

A series of hiccups led to a very stressful morning on Thursday that I won't fully get into because my poor family already lived through it with me via WhatsApp... but it started with extreme random nausea, (the kind you have a serious internal talk with yourself about: "no.  you are okay.  take deep, slow breaths.  do not throw up here.  you are completely fine, this will pass.  breathe.  you're not sick.  this is just random.  you cannot throw up here.") and then I got on what was supposed to be a train from Prague to Nuremberg with a stop in Schwandorf, but there was a service interruption on the first leg and everyone knew but me.  Probably because everyone speaks Czech and I, ya know, do not.  BTW so far Czech is the least intuitive language I've ever come across.  I could read an entire book in it and wouldn't be able to give you even the slightest context, like you can with French/Spanish/German.  I know, romance languages and all that, but man I really underestimated how important it is to know some of the language when you're traveling through remote towns.  I notice everyone in Plzen has gotten off the train and I think "well that's weird, but maybe they're all local commuters."  A lady comes by and yells at me to get off, I say, "English?" She says, "NO.  Bus." and shoos me off.  In the panic I forget my suitcase from where I stored it - thank the heavens above, it was still there when I realized 15 minutes later and fought my way back on a closed train.  I have such PTSD today and can't fathom what would have happened if the train had left.  Imagine my suitcase just taking off on a train to the Czech countryside by itself.  Zero percent chance I get that back.  Work computer, my treasured leather jacket from Kathy that I swear I'd save in a fire, all of my toiletries and pills and prescriptions...ugh I can't even think about it.

No one spoke English except for a kind man at the info desk who spoke very little, and gave me directions ("directions" is a loose term here, I did a lot of critical thinking and problem solving to vaguely understand what I was supposed to be doing next) to take a bus in an hour that would take me to Stod, where I could then catch my train to Schwandorf and hopefully ultimately Nuremberg.  After a series of mishaps and incredible uncertainty, eventually all of that happened.  I walked into the hotel in Nuremberg and almost kissed the floor.  I had big plans to wake up early and explore, but alas, I'm embarrassed to admit that all I did in Nuremberg was buy some wine/chocolate/gummy bears and stay in all night and sleep late this morning.  Bodies need rest, y'all.  My audiobook author would tell me that my body is in recovery mode after releasing an unnatural amount of adrenaline and cortisol.  NEVERTHELESS SHE PERSISTED!

I'll be staying with rig friend Angie and her family in Paris, and seeing rig Aaron there too.  He messaged me yesterday and said, "so do you want to see museums and such? Or I can show you my favorite brasseries?" I said, "I've been to Paris, I'd just like to day drink honestly."  Luckily he is on board, shawoooooooo.  Oddly there's no WiFi on this train like they said there would be, but it's not that bad because it's so smooth and comfortable and I still have my audiobook.  Will post this blog sometime later when the WiFi shows up.  Cross your fingers that I get the romantic countryside train ride I pined for.  And happy weekend!!!

[sterekexchange]

Masterlist of Sterek Exchange 2017 Fics

AO3 collection

Thank you for every author, pinch hitter, beta and cheerleader for working so hard to make this exchange so much fun and such a huge success!

Please, show some love to the authors in forms of kudos and comments on their fics!

#librarynerd by yodasyoyo | 7k | T

“I’ll likely get far more done in  the group if I’m not distracted watching you with your pen–”

“My–My pen?”

“Pens. Drinking straws. Don’t act like you don’t know,” Derek says darkly.  “You know.”

____________

In which Stiles follows Scott into his Spanish study group, takes one look  at the hot nerd who runs it and then decides to stay… even though he doesn’t  actually speak Spanish.

(Don't) Work Your Magic by Saori | 6k | T

Stiles is the Hale pack’s emissary in training. He’s good at what he does, and ninety-nine percent of the time he knows what he’s doing. He does. Too bad that one percent is when he permanently links his soul to Derek’s.

Or, not quite a soulmate AU, but it kind of is, which is totally Stiles’ fault.

A Family Portrait In Soft Lightning by Fearful_Little_Thing | 4k | G

Everything was so much easier when  the kids were small. When the kids were small their problems had been small  too. Easily fixed by hugs or hot chocolates, with kisses to boo-boos and ten  minute time outs when they misbehaved.

Now things aren't so simple and  the problems aren't so small.

Derek and Stiles love their kids.  It's just that raising two delinquent teenagers is a lot harder than it  looked.

Adderall and All by IronRoseWriter | 4k | T

From the prompt: Derek can smell amphetemines on Stiles thanks to his  Adderall, but because no one ever thought to sit him down and say “Hey so  Stiles has pretty severe ADHD” he just thinks Stiles does drugs. Cue a super  judgemental misunderstanding.

For Sterek Exchange 2017

And After All by red_crate | 5k | T

The world fucking ended while Stiles was clear across the country from his  dad. He trekked that distance on his own, surviving the elements, fighting  monsters and scavengers. Stiles rescued a goddamn werewolf who ended up  saving him in return.

Blue Eyes by KFlynn | 4k | T

It had all begun with Stiles slowly driving his Jeep along the road, in  the direction of his home…..

or the story where Stiles finds a wolf Derek, takes him back home and  cuddles with him, only to wake up with naked human Derek the next morning;  then they have breakfast and an important talk where they both realise that  they’re in love with each other.

Can’t Start a Fire Without a Spark by Nerdy_fangirl_57 | 9k | T

After the whole ordeal with the nogitsune Stiles struggles with proving to  himself that he can be good again. He starts learning to control his spark in  hopes that he could be helpful to the pack once he manages to channel it’s  power. Everyone thinks it’s a great idea and are willing to help him anyway  they can, but Scott, Scott doesn’t see the point in it.

It’s not like Stiles’ tiny spark could ever be powerful enough to be an  actual asset to the pack.

Stiles just wants a chance to prove himself.

Charm Misdirect by froggydarren | 4k | T

There are only so many times that Derek will go along with Peter’s plans.  He swears there is a last one, and it’s pretty likely that this is it. Really,  it should have been the time when he almost got arrested, or some of the  times before.  So when Peter asks Derek to be his wingman in Jungle, Derek says no. And  thinks that that’s the end of it.

He’s wrong.

Collision Course by grimmypuff | 5k | T

Roller Derby and Stiles Stilinski: a pairing that should not exist in nature. Add Derek Hale and somehow it works.

Come To My… by Gonardo | 8k | M

It starts out with Derek meeting a new group of people. One standing out:  Stiles Stilinski. So he may seen a little strange at first, but that’s  alright.

Then they are put together for a project. Derek catches feelings. Cue the  pining.

While Stiles looked at other guys objectively, he pretty much thought he  was straight. Boy he was wrong. Maybe he’s just dereksexual.

Can they figure out their feelings in time.

Defenses by inatshej | 10k | T

“Do you know the Molotov Cocktail  café near the station? I think their pastries are the best. We could go there  this weekend.”

Oh wait.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck. He’s proposed a date.

“Sure,” Stiles agrees easily with a shrug.

Immediate friendzoning.

But did he really get friendzoned just now? Can he get friendzoned when  they aren’t even friends?

Does that make them friends? It would be nice, actually-

god, he just feels so lonely at times.

Derek Hale’s Undercover Summer: How to Attract Your FBI-Partner in These 10 Short  Steps (While Also Killing Bad Guys) by the_problem_with_stardust | 4k | T

Written for jennysparkles’ awesome prompt: Derek wasn’t sure why, but if  his time busting the biggest smuggling- and drug-ring in Northern California  had the chance to become a book or a movie, it would be named ‘Derek Hale’s  Undercover Summer: How to Attract Your FBI-Partner in These 10 Short Steps  (While Also Killing Bad Guys)’. It was ridiculous, how killing people  bare-handed turned into a romantic comedy whenever he looked into Stiles’  eyes.

events  may be different than they appear by icarusinflight | 4k | T

The first time Stiles sees the couple, the hot dude is giving the gorgeous  girl a ride on his back through the main walkway of campus.  It’s pretty dumb

it doesn’t stop him from feeling jealous of them

Feelings He Didn’t Know He Had by StaciNadia | 5k | T

Derek is absolutely not in love with Stiles.

Finding warmth in your arms (I’m not even cold) by Saori | 10k | T

When Stiles and his father move to Beacon Hills, they have to get familiar with new rules. Being a werefox, Stiles sticks out as a thumb in the small town, but thanks for his luck, he’s not the only one. He doesn’t expect that Kira and him will get close to the pack of ‘wolves whose territory they live in, so when they both fall in love with one, it takes him by surprise.

Or, Stiles and Kira are both werefoxes, recently moved into Beacon Hills. They quickly steal their way into the heart of the local werewolf pack.

For  If Dreams Die by veritas_st | 23k | M

“I had a dream about a boy last  night,” Mischief says through a mouthful of pancakes.  His dad points  the spatula at him and he swallows before he says anything else.  “His  name was Derek.  He called me Stiles.  I want to be called that  from now on.”

Forever Young by thegirlnamedcove | 12k | T

“What do you want Laura?” he  groaned, “Why am I up?”

“Because you’re going to pack a bag with whatever’s clean and come with me  back to California,” she fished a folded page out of her back pocket and  handed it over, “Someone is on our territory with a vendetta in mind.”

He accepted the paper and opened it up, smoothing it against the side of  the mattress. It was a picture, printed out from an email, of a deer with a  spiral carved in its side.

Fuel  a Fantasy by Delightful_I_Am | 19k | T

Let it never be said that Stiles wasn’t able to keep his cool when faced  with awkward situations. It’d be right maybe, but it should never be said.

 Stiles gasped and spun around,  eyes finding Derek immediately. The poor guy looked a bit shell-shocked.

 “Oh my god! Dude!” Stiles  flailed his arms and lunged forward, tripping a bit and catching himself on  Derek’s arms. “You have to fake date me!”

 “What?”

Hold the Cheese by sheerpoetry | 3k | T

Derek wasn’t sure how he’d gotten himself into this particular  situation. Sure, he’d gotten used to the pack in his space. But Stiles? He  hadn’t gotten used to Stiles.

Prompt:  Fluff. Adorable Derek, maybe some pining, Stiles being his flailing, sassy  self. Lydia and Laura would totally be a power couple. Laura is an awesome  big sister. Stiles as a potential Emissary.

I got the first half, at least? ;) Hope you enjoy it!

How Long Will I Love You? by vaguelyobscene | 6k | T

Stiles is finally marrying his boyfriend of 8 years and Lydia makes a surprisingly  sweet offer on his wedding day, but she’s not the only one who seems  determined to make him cry today.

I Call All The Bullshit by lodgelinski | 3k

An incident occurs at a rave where  a group of people end up with superpowers (the same hand-waving bullshit that  gives anyone superpowers).

They, of course, decide to use  their powers for good–with the blessing of local law enforcement, which gains  them a few enemies, mostly other people at that rave who also ended up with  superpowers but have decided to be evil instead. Also, Derek is trying to  control his powers since the last time he was the weakest link. However, his  partner is Stiles, and it’s hard to control his powers (and emotions) when it  comes to Stiles, especially when Stiles is in danger.

I don’t know why, but I guess it has something to do with you by LunaCanisLupus_22 | 18k | E

“You smell like me,” the guy says,  scowling as he crowds in and Stiles staggers back between the coats and  finally hits the wall. “Why do you smell like me?”

He barely lets out a garbled sound as the blood rushes to his cheeks. “No  reason,” Stiles yelps, struggling to get his footing and grasping at a  whirlwind of puffy fur.

Or the one where Stiles goes thrift shopping and steals an alpha’s shirt.  And gets a lot more than he bargains for.

I’ll Be Your Thrill by red_crate | 5k | E

Stiles asks, “What are you waiting for?” He still hasn’t made a move to  join Derek on the bed.

“I’m waiting for you, Daddy.” It takes everything in him to hold Stiles’  gaze.

There’s a hesitance in him every time they start this. Derek is older, an  alpha werewolf. He can’t quite get over the spike of humiliation that  occasionally works through him at the thought of wanting to give over his  control. He closes his eyes for a moment.

Wanting Stiles to take charge and take care of him isn’t a shameful thing.  

It helps that Stiles is never anything but enthusiastic.

I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too long by LunaCanisLupus_22 | 11k | E

“All in favour of Derek not dating for a full year so he can get his shit  together and stop romancing people who want to kill us?”

Everyone raises their hands. Every single pack member.

Or the one where the pack insists Derek can’t date anybody for a full year  but he ends up finding romance much closer to home anyway.

if only by petals | 47k | M

“I could totally stop talking to him,” Stiles interjects, feeling a sudden overwhelming urge to defend himself and brush the whole thing off as nothing. “I could. Easily. That’s the beauty of talking to someone online; you can just, like, talk to them for however long you want and then disappear for however long you want without any real impact on your daily life. It’s not like I’m going to run into him at the grocery store. I could stop at any moment.”

“But you don’t,” Lydia points out.

“No, he doesn’t,” Scott replies, forcing Stiles to scowl at him. “He just got a new one this morning and he hasn’t stopped talking about it.”

Or, the one where Stiles has been talking to some guy that he doesn’t know online, but that’s the least of his worries when a new pack moves into Beacon Hills, and Stiles suspects the alpha of bringing a coven of witches with him.

In Which Derek Has the Worst Luck, Maybe by maraudersourwolf | 7k | M

Derek has a crush. He’s doing all he can to hide his feelings. It’s pretty  easy, since Stiles barely seems to know Derek exists. Hook ups, a school  project that’s half their grade and teenage awkwardness puts his luck to the  test.

In Your Eyes by Hi0ctane | 3k | T

Since the first day of moving in, Stiles had never really seen the  neighbours do anything. His father (who had apparently met some of them  early, before work, and exchanged some pleasantries) told him that it was four  of them: two girls and two guys, all siblings of one family, but that was  about it. Sometimes Stiles thought he saw one of them exit the house, usually  early, even before he headed to school himself; he could only hear voices,  then, drifting up to his bedroom window, loud and usually cheerful, sometimes  rowdy.

“They’re lively,” his father said, with the indulgent smile of a man that  raised a teenager himself on the back of macaroni and cheese and sometimes  far too much hard liquor. Stiles preferred the term “They’re really  annoying”, but sure, lively should work for them, too.

Or, five times Stiles got into trouble with his elusive neighbour D. Hale  - and one time he really, really didn’t.

Knar by LupusScintilla | 17k | E

Derek had not had a clue that this was something that actually existed.

Five times Derek knotted Stiles, and one time, well. You can see what’s  going to happen here, right?

Loyalty Is A Virtue by bellamyhale | 24k | T

Feeling the full wrath of Lydia Martin, Scott quickly changed his argument  to one of defense, leading to one small comment about how Stiles hit Theo  first, which only stirred a hurricane of harsh insults. Lydia’s face  brightened, just a tone lighter than Scott’s own crimson cheeks.

“Stilinski, Raeken, and the rest of your little entourage! Principal’s  office, now!” Coach shouted over the mayhem, as he pushed his way through the  crowd. Taking one look at Stiles who was still attempting to catch his breath,  Coach motioned his hand towards the teen, “oh, for the love of God, someone  get Stilinski to the nurse!”

Or, the time Theo Raeken ruined Stiles’ life, which somehow ended with him  being even closer with the Hale’s. Oh, and did he mention that he was apparently  magic?

making waves by haleofStilesheart | 6k | E

Stiles is no stranger to pining, especially when it comes to Derek Hale.  When his gorgeous crush graduates high school, Stiles figures he can move on  from his pathetic crush. But things don’t work out that way.  Not since Derek just so happens to be working at the same public pool where Stiles  is volunteering as a lifeguard.

Once Upon a Dream by gryvon | 14k | T

Stiles has been dreaming of the Hale family burning alive since he was a  child. After being locked in Eichen for a year, Stiles learns to keep his  visions to himself. That doesn’t stop him from keeping an eye on Derek Hale  while he waits for Kate Argent to make her move. Only watching Derek becomes  loving Derek and stopping Derek and Kate from getting together turns into  Stiles dating Derek Hale. He’s in love with Derek but his visions haven’t  stopped, only now Derek dies with the rest of his family.

Only the Moon Howls by gremlins-came-and-got-me | 7k | T

Derek begs Cora to get him hired at the Supernatural Crisis Center where  she works as a field agent. It was a better option than the coffee shop by  his apartment. However, innocents are being killed by a supernatural creature  and it’s up to the SCC to solve the case, but when they close in on the  culprit, the team is attacked.

Operation Girl Scout Cookies by nogitsune_lichen | 19k | E

After a minute Derek looks back up, his lips puckering in thought, “so…we  just…see each other in secret. Then in November after local elections we can  see each other for real?”

“We are seeing each other for real! It’s just us who know about it for the  first few months,” Stiles corrects.

“Okay.”

Stiles holds his breath, eyes widening, “okay as in okay let’s secretly  date?”

“Yes,” Derek adds his tone a little less bitter as if he is just now  warming up to the idea.

“Awsome! Holy shit, dude we’re mates,” Stiles beams.

Our Little Lives by CallieB | 18k

yodasyoyo prompted:

“There are loads and loads of ridiculous reasons for Derek and Stiles to  be in a fake/pretend relationship. Maybe another pack is visiting, maybe one  of them is trying to impress an ex, maybe they’re trying to win a bet, that’s  three off the top of my head. I bet you can think of more. My point is, pick  one and then tell the story from an outsiders POV. Because if there are two  tropes I really love it’s Fake/Pretend Relationship and Outsider POV. Thing  is, I hardly ever see them together. If you could include the Hale pack (Boyd,  Erica and Isaac) that would be great. Also, I really love stilinski family  feels, so if that could be in there too then fab. Also, I really do prefer  Derek to be a werewolf, so there’s that. Other than that I leave it to you!”

Paint Me by SuperWhoAvengeTrekLock | 14k | M

When Stiles’ laptop breaks, he realizes that it’s not the only expense he  has. He can’t pick up any more shifts at work and he’s desperate. Allison  comes through with a last minute save for him with her connections to the art  world.

Perfect for Each Other by CinnamonLily | 5k | G

Professor Peter Hale has a new TA, Stiles Stilinski. He’s the best TA  Peter has ever had, and Peter wants to reward that somehow. Peter’s nephew  Derek is a socially awkward mechanic whose type Stiles fits to a T. They’re  obviously perfect for each other, now all Peter has to do is make them see  it, too.

Somebody tell me why I’m on my own by phoenixflyinghigh | 5k

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold  Who knows how to love you without being told  Somebody tell me why I’m on my own  If there’s a soulmate for everyone

Since he was a child Derek has dreamed of the morning where he’ll wake up  and know who his soulmate is.  

Since he was a child Stiles knew he would be alone forever and that the  only person he could count on was himself.

Luckily Fate has a plan for everyone.

Something More by kaistrex | 19k | E

When Derek and Stiles stumbled into a friends with benefits relationship  purely by accident, they weren’t expecting it would one day save their asses  when a threat from Derek’s past comes knocking. All they need to do is  pretend to really be in love to avoid an arranged marriage agreed to years  ago with a pact of blood. Considering they hadn’t bothered setting up  boundaries when the ‘benefits’ first started, it’s no surprise that the lines  begin to blur and Derek’s eyes are eventually opened to a truth he hadn’t  been ready to face.

Sovereign Next Door by KARIN848 | 9k | G

Stiles Stilinski defeats the corrupt Argent rulers and inherits their  kingdom and the title of King. With his close group of advisors, he must find  a way to fit into this new role. The first step - attending a celebration  thrown in his honor by the neighboring royals, the Hale pack.

Spring Training (Is Hard To Do) by tiedtogetherwithadagger | 12k | T

When Glow magazine outs MLB starting pitcher Derek Hale, his older sister  gets him a bodyguard until the news blows over.

Stiles Stilinski is on a leave of absence from the military after his  childhood friend dies in combat. When his best friend asks for a favor, he’s  reluctant to accept the responsibility of another person’s life in his hands  anytime soon.

But when these two people meet, they’re surprised when unexpected sparks  begin to fly. And maybe… they can learn how to cope together.

Strains of the Heart by clotpolesonly | 21k | G

Stiles has always worked with Scott for end-of-year projects. Only this year,  Scott wants to work with his new girlfriend Allison, leaving Stiles without a  partner. The only person not already partnered up is Derek Hale, first chair  violin who has played for his sister Laura and only his sister Laura since  joining the academy.

If he was just an asshole, Stiles could handle that. But Stiles has a vision  for this project, one he’s spent his whole life cultivating, and Derek? Derek  just doesn’t get it, and that Stiles cannot handle.

Strong Essences are Held in Small Bottles by addict_writer | 8k | E

Stiles has been training to become the best emissary, but nothing could  have prepared him for meeting Derek Hale. The young Hale Alpha is lucky  Stiles has the power to save him from the sticky situation he got himself in. 

take a break by anticupid16 | 6k | T

Stiles, needing a break from his dad’s lack of trust, decides to take  shelter somewhere he can chill without being asked a lot of questions.  Derek’s loft just so happens to be such a place.

Thanks, Barbie by 138andcounting | 3k

“This one is kind of inspired by a  Tumblr post I now can’t find, but basically Derek is at the movies and there’s  this kid that won’t. Shut. Up. He babbles, he talks about the movie, he talks  about any old shit, and Derek is getting increasingly pissed off. There  aren’t many other people in the cinema, but the ones that are there keep  shushing him so Derek doesn’t have to.

Twist is, the movie sucks. So Derek finds himself actually listening to  the kid’s continuous babble. And it’s kind of… intriguing? This ‘Stiles’, or  whatever he calls himself, is clearly ten different kinds of crazy, but Derek  can’t help but want to find out more about him. Like, when Stiles is talking  about something random, Derek is imagining the questions he would ask if he  could. And does a mental high five when Stiles answers them anyway. And kind  of. Gets annoyed. When the other people in the cinema shush him so he can’t  finish his sentences. God, what is HAPPENING to him?

Up to you how it ends, but a happy ending would be nice! I also thought  about maybe Stiles being off his ADHD medication, which is why he’s talking  so much, but again, up to you.” -CallieB

The Best Men by grimmypuff | 13k | T

Planning a wedding? Not really something Stiles ever wanted to do, thanks.  But when best bro duty calls, you answer. Luckily, another best bro has been  called up, as well. Enter Derek Hale.

The Best Opportunity Yet by Starshaker | 6k | G

Stiles is at a loose end. His thoughts are beginning to send him on a  downward spiral and in the early hours of the morning he finds his way to  Derek’s apartment seeking advice and comfort. Derek offers him a new learning  curve to distract him and in a very short space of time the pair settle into  a closer relationship.

The Dogs of War by moretomhardy | 22k | M

Derek is a warrior prince of a nation in conflict. Stiles is a newly  minted spymaster sent from the capital to help turn the tide of the war.  Somewhere along the way, they start to mean a lot more to each other than just  their titles.

The Farthest Star by Anefi | 9k | T

When an emissary is ready to find their place in the world, they get a  Call. If Stiles answers it, he’ll have to leave behind the only life he’s  ever known. And Derek.

The Hardest Thing In This World by yodasyoyo | 4k | T

Stiles is not a wolf, but he has  the heart of one.

–

After the Hale fire, Derek and  Laura go to stay with the Stilinskis, and end up finding more there then they  could ever have hoped for

The Sea Wolf by TheyDraggedMeInNowIAintLeaving | 7k | M

[…] but this voice you must give  to me           The Little Mermaid

Skinny arms wrapped around him, a head resting on his shoulder and long  fingers idly scratching behind his ears. It’s easy to forget that this is but  a dream.

The Spark by MysticMerc | 11k | G

When two witches arrive in Beacon Hills in search of the Spark, it seems  Derek is the only one who knows what they’re talking about. Can Scott’s pack  save Beacon Hills from the witches or will they capture the Spark?

The Switch by honeymoonmuke | 13k | T

After a fae gift wreaks havoc on Beacon Hills, Derek is left to pick up  the pieces. He doesn’t know what’s harder to deal with - the fact that he’s  been made human or that Stiles has been turned into an extremely doting  gladiator.

Thieves Like Us by Hi0ctane | 5k | T

Stiles chuckled as his father waved him off from the distance, slipping  into the driver’s seat of the car. He waited until the Sheriff started the  car, headlights biting through the dark, growing smaller and paler by the  second until they were gone entirely.  The teenager closed the door behind himself and let the amused expression  slide off his face, making room for one of devious glee.

Time to call in the team.

(Or: The master art thieves AU I didn’t know I wanted, until now)

Things I Never Told You by gremlins-came-and-got-me | 7k | T

“I never want to see you again!”  –  Stiles and Derek have a fight. There’s no way to fix it this time.  –  Read the tags.

Those Red Lights Keep Bringing Me Around by gryvon | 10k | E

Stiles moves back to Beacon Hills after his father retires, hoping for  somewhere quiet where they can both relax. His first day as a paramedic for  Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital lands him in the midst of a werewolf-hunter  war that he knows nothing about. Oh, and his childhood friend, Derek Hale,  wants nothing to do with him. That jerk! 

Waiting There For You by BulletBlaze | 4k | M

“Just give me another week, I’m  sure I’ll make a breakthrough-”

“Stiles, this is not up for discussion. Either take the partner, or you’re  off the case. It’s your decision.”

We Can Work from Home by samanthahirr | 5k | T

A rom com AU in which Derek and Stiles are neighbors with a  misunderstanding:

Derek’s new neighbor is distractingly hot. He goes by “Mr. Magic Fingers”  on his business cards. And he has a steady stream of customers moaning and  screaming in his apartment every day.

Derek doesn’t care that his neighbor is a sex worker; he just wants to get  his own work done.

when the moonlight hits your eyes by the_problem_with_stardust | 8k | M

“Do you have any holiday plans?”  The question is out of Derek’s mouth before he’s even all the way through the  door.

Stiles looks up from one of the ancient books he has spread across the  floor. He sticks a post-it underneath the sentence he was on and rolls onto  his back. “Nope. My dad is going somewhere and he won’t give me any hints.”  Craning his head back so he’s looking at Derek upside down, he frowns. “It’s  weird because I usually can annoy all kinds of information out of him. I must  be getting rusty.”

Would it Have Been Worth While by Cantabo | 11k | E

There’s a smile on her face, but Stiles knows the real reason she’s asking  the question, because she’s a crazy jealous person who literally started  crying when she found out he was (briefly) dating some guy named Lucas during  his sophomore year.

And then Stiles has an idea. A brilliant, terrible, wonderfully  self-destructive idea. Because despite his bravado, most of Stiles’ ideas are  terrible.

“This is Derek,” Stiles says, looking at Derek with big, pleading eyes.  “He’s my boyfriend.”

Or, Stiles and Derek are fake(ish) boyfriends in the name of warding off  unwelcome stalkers. Also, they’re kind of in love with each other.

Would you take one for the team, and go out with me? by fairyfey | 4k | G

Written for this prompt: Maybe something with a kiss cam or Derek winning  a contest to meet his favorite baseball player and sparks fly.

You Better Run Like the Devil by exhibit | 8k | E

The Hale pack was slaughtered but the alpha and emissary escaped alive  though it doesn’t matter much, they died along with their pack that night.  Killing the hunters won’t bring them back, no, but it sure would feel fucking  good.

You’re the Spark (that sets my soul on fire) by TheyDraggedMeInNowIAintLeaving | 7k | E

 There’s a wolf in your bed     "careful, it might bite"     Your smile is wide as you answer     "He’d better"

Your Love is Like an Ax to the Face (or, Plundering Hearts: Viking Edition) by Toxin | 16k | E

Prompt: College AU in which Derek is the junior TA of a freshman  history seminar, and Stiles is a competitive shithead freshman who likes to  argue just to argue. One day, after tracking Derek to a coffee shop on campus  to argue about his grade, Stiles realizes that Derek’s actually a swell dude  and they bond over common interests.

 In which Lydia is a ruthless walking fortune cookie, Scott is  exposed to the relationship-curing potential of ménages-à-trois, and more  importantly, Stiles is convinced he’s pissed off the wrong deity in Valhalla  because the closest thing he gets to action is the weekly ‒and deadly‒  debates he has with his grumpy TA from History 201: Introduction to  Vikings. All of this to Erica’s enjoyment.

Urgh, college.

[mcrmadness]

Some days ago I made a post about how I wish I had a best friend but I don't have, and the last time I actually had someone I could call as my best friend was when I was 13. And that one did not end well...

But anyway, I just realized that it's not really the fact that I don't have a best friend that is bothering me, but the fact that no one out there would consider me as a best friend. I don't know anyone who thinks the same way and therefore I think that a person like this does not even exist.

As an aroace this is especially difficult because you just know that most people around you will eventually settle down with someone because one of their biggest needs in life is to have a partner. And I don't have that need. I don't want a relationship nor even a queerplatonic relationship. I don't want to share a house or flat or my belongings with anyone else but myself. I don't even know how to call what I want, "a platonic best friend"? Like you know when you're a teenager and you just get along with one of your friends better than with anyone else and you both are besties and no one else is more important as a friend? Something like that, I guess.

And yet all that just sounds so stupid to me, something that teens do and makes me feel like my social skills and relationship/friendship "skills" would have gotten stuck to the mental level of a teenager. Probably mainly because I have been lonely since I was 15 and my most important friendships have all been online friendships ever since. I'm also very confused because I don't know if it's just me being socially awkward or if it's just the lack of social interactions IRL during the early adulthood.

People always say that you can't arrange people and think someone as more important than the other but why have I always felt that when I have had friends, I have eventually lost all of them because they started dating someone and suddenly I (nor other friends) fit in their life anymore? Or at least not to the extent that what it used to be before, but most have just completely stopped talking to me and then never got back to me. This has happened so many times in my life, basically with everyone ever, that now I just always feel that someone being an alloromantic is a threat and means that I'm gonna be left alone eventually, again.

In a way I do agree that you can't arrange people that way, but at the same time I just always feel like I'm walking on a rope because as a neurodivergent and highly sensitive person, I just develop very strong emotions in friendships, but somehow always the wrong ones. I mean, I might feel that someone could a potential best friend but it's not mutual, or they're not aromantic so they're gonna abandon me in the future anyway, or the fact that I cannot feel platonic love (still trying to figure out if I'm aplatonic or maybe demiplatonic), or at least I still don't understand what it is like, and I'm not sure if it's the same thing as "loveless aro" which also has started to feel a lot like me. But all this just makes me feel bad because people might be important and mean a lot to me but I still cannot return even that little, so the whatever emotions there are, they still don't match because they're formed so differently. I just feel like it happens in a different part of my brain and is mainly controlled by ADHD or whatever the fuck that is that's has the reins in my brain, and I hate it when my brain starts hyperfixating on other humans because they are not objects, they are not free source of dopamin, they are other humans and my brain has no right to use them like that!

I just feel like I'm fake basically. I feel that I have gaslighted everyone into thinking that I'm a nice person when in reality I'm just totally emotionless and dull shell with ADHD brain that makes me "like" people. I hate it.

I know this sounds very heavy and depressing but I just don't know anything about anything. I have been spending too much time with only myself and my thoughts and this is what happens when I don't get to interact with other human beings enough. Even if that makes me feel like I'm just using everyone just because I can and can't feel things at the same time.

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Heyy ❤️ I love your blog! I was wondering if you had any more demon!stiles fics with sterek?

Here you go!  -Emmy

Pass the Mustard by LadyDrace 

(1,787 I General I Complete)

Derek is making a sandwich and accidentally summons a demon.

Must be Monday.

You Call it Love, Love When It Tastes Like This by ellsaba (vanillawg) 

(2,407 I Explicit I Complete)  *hate sex

They’re not friends. The word tastes like ash in Stiles’ mouth.

Surrender to the Heat by peacheda 

(2,621 I Teen I Complete)

Based off of a prompt.

Derek Hale deserves better.

Seriously, even Stiles could agree with that statement, and he was a demon who lived in Hell!

The Price to Get to Hell by Wiccan507

(7,120 I Not Rated I Complete)  *supernatural crossover, also demon!derek

10 Years Earlier…“Rise and shine kid.”“What happened?”“You sold your soul. Welcome to Hell.” Dean smirked at the kid then wrapped his hand round his shirt to haul him up.“I’m in Hell?”“That is the deal.” Dean started walking away, trusting the kid to follow him, most people did. Nobody wanted to be lost down here. The guy caught up to him and kept in step.“Wait you have to wait, I’m here to find someone.”

Or Stiles sells his soul to find the man he loves and he really doesn’t care where it takes him.

Love Has Consequences by Sterek_Fan_4ever 

(9,557 I Explicit I WIP)

The aftermath of “Love is Blind”

Now that Stiles has been turned into a half demon what will happen? How will this affect his relationship with Derek? What does this mean for Lucas? And most of all has all of this changed Stiles for the best, or will it all come falling down?

We Will Find Each Other Somehow by lightsfillthesky 

(15,877 I Mature I WIP)  *soulmates, violence

They were soulmates yet complete opposites like darkness and light, evil and good, completely contradictory but at the same it worked.

Through the decades they’d meet in new bodies, their souls recognizing each other before they did.

But it all went south, they were ripped apart, casting one to hell and the other one to earth.

Breaking out of hell, walking the earth for decades, looking for something he couldn’t quite remember anymore.

Will he finally find what he has been looking for all these years?

or:

Stiles is a demon without a purpose and stumbles upon Derek’s pack, feeling emotions he’s never felt before, trying to figure them out as he goes. Feeling weirdly protective of these new found puppies.

This World is Rabid by nameloc_ar_115 

(17,284 I Explicit I Complete)   *angel!derek

“You want to defile me—because I am an agent of Heaven. You mean to mock God and desecrate all that is sacred.”

Stiles cocked his head to the side. “Ummm—no. You’re grumpy in the sexiest way possible, and I want to give you orgasms. That’s the extent of my villainy.”

Signed, Sealed, Delivered by TheVoiceofWrath (meet_your_fate) 

(20,653 I Explicit I Complete)

Derek’s soul isn’t worth anything. Can’t be, right? Not after everything. It’s an easy decision for him, then, to offer it up in exchange for his sister’s life.

If only the demon he makes the deal with weren’t so intent on hanging around until Derek’s contract is up…

Innocence in Being Human by Safaia

(27,737 I Mature I Complete)  *hunter!derek

Seven years after the death of his family and Derek Hale is a hunter that returns to Beacon Hills for the first time. Stiles, his partner and possibly more, is a demon that seems to be doing everything in his power to get them to leave as soon as possible. People are dying from attacks though and Derek can’t just walk away from that. When one such attack hits too close to home Derek knows he’ll see this through to the end. While searching for information Derek and Stiles get caught in a trap that taps into strong magic that turns them both into humans. Now stripped of any power Derek and Stiles struggle to fight against something much stronger than them whose end goal might be more sinister than they originally thought.

(Take Away This) Ball and Chain by Safaia

(42,847 I Mature I Complete)  *hunter!derek

When Derek Hale was sixteen years old he lost everything he loved in the fire. Desperate to his family he tried make a deal with a crossroads demon named Stiles. Stiles turned him down and Derek reluctantly tried to move on with his life. Six years later Derek is a hunter and when he receives word that Stiles might have known more about the fire than he let on that night Derek decides to hunt him down. What he finds when he finally captures Stiles is not what he expects and that the two of them might have a common enemy.

This is My Kingdom Come by Salomonderiel 

(64,875 I Mature I Complete)  *supernatural crossover

By the time he’d hit his 17th birthday, he’d sorted his life out.It came down to this:His name was Stiles Stilinski. He was the son of the Sheriff and his wife, deceased, and his best friend was Scott McCall, an ex-asthmatic werewolf with a nurse mother and an absent father. He was the cleverest in his class, after the strawberry blonde he had a crush on, and he had been diagnosed with ADHD at the age of seven. On full moons, he ran around and cooked for the local pack of werewolves. And he was a demon changeling.

Stiles has managed to avoid Hell and its natives for near 16 years. He’s almost managed to fool himself he’s human. And best friend who smells of wet dog or not, he thinks he’d got a pretty good deal with this second chance at a life, and is planning to stick with it. But, unknown to Stiles, the new king of Hell has other ideas…