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tonicandjins · 7 years

Text

one and two small petals - i

pairing: kim mingyu/reader

genre: angst

warnings: cussing

words: 6,480

you are no longer together but have never left each other’s mind

Kim Mingyu wants to give you the world.

He has told you about this more times than you could count—during long distance calls, when his face is buried on your head at two in the morning, while walking sloppily and slurring drunk words after a night out with the boys, after a cute and romantic date you set up on the night he comes home from tour, and oh, God, even on random moments when you’re just watching a late night talk show on the tv. But if there was one thing you knew for sure when he says it, your response was always the same: you didn’t want the world.

You wish you could do the same, though. You wish you could give him even a tiny part of the world. But it was already in his hands to begin with. To say that there are times when you would feel inadequate and undeserving of the brightest star in the entire cosmos that is Kim Mingyu is an understatement. You felt it every single day. Just seeing him reminded you of how much you were lacking, of how much more he deserved. You never told him about this, but the thing with Kim Mingyu is that he knows—even when you try to hide it with a smile and pretend that it doesn’t bother you, he knows.

But why was it not enough?

Even when he tells you every day of how beautiful you are—of how lucky he is to have the universe be in his favor because he met you, of how many times a day he thanks the stars for giving you to him—your own thoughts ate you alive. Little by little, day by day. You didn’t know how you hid these emotions from him. Of course, sometimes he noticed it. He noticed the smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes when he told you about something he’s excited about, like a new advertisement for his group, a new tour, a new everything. You are proud of him and hope nothing but the best for him and his group. But as he grew bigger, you felt smaller. With every step he took, you knew you were getting farther away from him. He never made you feel that way, though. God, the man is an angel. He made sure he celebrated his victories with you and included you in everything—invited you to every party, gave you passes to his shows, let you listen to unreleased his tracks, almost made you feel like…. it’s yours, too. But it’s not. It never was.

Kim Mingyu wanted to give you the world; perhaps he still does… even after seven months since the breakup. But you never really wanted the world. You only wanted him. You still do.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

He is a mess.

The first week after you broke up with him, he was quiet.

The boys didn’t even know you broke up until Soonyoung asked why you didn’t visit him that Saturday because you always did. You worked at a school as an English teacher from Mondays to Fridays, which gives you the weekends as your rest days. When you started dating, you always made sure your Saturdays were only for Kim Mingyu and no one else. Of course, there were Saturdays when that doesn’t happen because he’s frequently traveling, but you always fulfilled your Mingyu Days whenever he’s around.

The boys were in total shock when he casually just shrugged his shoulders and told them you were no longer together. Seokmin was quick to ask why, because you were just here the week before. You brought them their lunch and they gave you smelly and sweaty hugs in return. You were just talking to him on the phone a few nights before, and you both seemed happy like nothing’s wrong.

“Shit like that happens,” he replied nonchalantly. “You think everything’s okay because that’s how it looked like. You don’t realize you’re being fooled until it’s over.”

Seungkwan wanted to make a mocking remark and to push his buttons so Mingyu would tell them what really happened, but Wonwoo pinched his side when he realized the younger boy wanted to ask further questions. Mingyu stepped out of the room, muttering something about getting some water. The rest of the group looked at Seungcheol, who looked like he was tangibly stressed about the situation already.

“What do I do?” he asked the group. None of them answered because this was the first Seventeen relationship—the first Seventeen breakup. None of them knew how to handle a member who’s going through a breakup.

A sigh from Wonwoo was enough to say that they should leave him alone for a bit.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Almost a month after you broke up, Mingyu became angry.

He started hitting the gym, as advised by Seungcheol because he was beginning to become aggressive with the members. He got easily irritated, like the one time Dokyeom left an empty box of milk on the fridge and Mingyu wasn’t having it. Chan was just avoiding him at all costs, even during practice. Minghao was worried and Joshua couldn’t remain calm. The younger ones started to become a little frightened. The members were tiptoeing around Mingyu, making sure they don’t say something that might anger him. They give him the seat he wants and the chicken part he likes the most. They even make him choose which movie to watch, even when he’s not even in the slightest bit interested in anything. He went to the gym five times a week, sometimes six when he’s feeling extra angry.

Jeonghan had told him that it might feel a bit better if he threw away your things from his room. Although he was angry again and wanted to yell at his hyung for thinking that it would feel better, he picked up a box from their storage room and looked around the room he shares with Minghao for your things and the things that reminded him of you.

His closet reeked of your scent. No wonder he gets easily irritated because some of his clothes still smelled like you. As if he was taken into a train of memories, he remembered the last Saturday you were together, three days before you decided to call it off. It was Mingyu Day and luckily, he didn’t have practice or anything on his schedule on that day. He insisted that you two go out because it had been a while since you went out to eat. But you were persistent on just staying home and enjoying his presence. You were really affectionate and sweet on that day. You stayed in their dorm the entire day and cooked your meals together rather than going out. You helped him clean their dorm, did his laundry, played video games and stayed the night. There were no signs of a breakup or anything close to that because you were smiling the entire day and kissing him every chance you can. So he tried to replay the entire day in his head and asked himself where it went wrong.

“That bitch,” he hissed dropping the box on the floor in front of his closet. “She thinks she can just do that, doesn’t she? She thinks she can come in my life—become my entire life—and then leave because she wasn’t happy anymore?”

He started grabbing your clothes on the corner of the closet and one by one, he threw them forcefully in the box.

“She thinks she gets to make the calls here? I was the one who made her happy every day! Fuck, promotions and the tour were so fucking exhausting and difficult but I called her every fucking day of the week! And, fuck, I almost fought with the President to save our relationship and it apparently meant nothing to her! I-I fucking introduced her to my family! I took her home and made my mother cook her best dishes! Fucking Wonwoo, the cold-hearted asshole, even likes her so fucking much and thinks I’m going to end up with her! She thinks she can just wreck me and get away with it? Fuck her. Fuck you, Y/N! Fuck you.”

Each item held a memory that’s forever etched into his heart. Therefore, he threw each one on the box with so much force, the box looked like it’s going to break. He cursed you with every item. And just when he thought he has released most of his anger, he looked around and realized his side of the room was almost empty.

He had removed the pillowcases because you bought him that. The blanket was yours, too; he stole it from your room one day because it smelled and felt like you, sweet and soft. He took away half of his clothes because you had your favorites and you always wore them when you came over. He even dumped his fucking son, Bongbongie, because you helped him name it.

And so he was angry again, like the entire hour of cursing your name and throwing away everything that reminded you of him did nothing to ease his anger. He was going to scream at Jeonghan because it didn’t make him feel any better.

If anything, it made him think of you even more.

Kim Mingyu hated you with every fiber of his being.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

A couple of months of his anger slowly transformed into… the members aren’t sure what it’s called. But it’s somewhere between being angry, feeling desolate, and a little bit of desperation.

He came home one day with two boxes of beer on hand, and Hansol wanted to tell him he shouldn’t drink because they had an early schedule the next day but resorted to just letting him drink his ass off all night, thinking that it’s going to help him.

It didn’t.

This went on for almost two weeks; two weeks of mood swings, drinking every single night, working with a hangover, getting yelled at by the staff, almost getting kicked out of a variety show, and just… disaster. Seungcheol knew he needed to end this, and so he blocked Mingyu’s way towards the fridge one night and asked him if they could talk. Mingyu refused, telling the leader that he’d rather drink then sleep. But Seungcheol, for the first time since the breakup, yelled at him and told him that if he wasn’t going to talk to him properly, he’s pulling him out for the rest of the promotions. Mingyu yelled back and told him that he could do whatever he wanted because he was, after all, the leader.

“Do you really want that?” Seungcheol challenged. “Because you know I can, Mingyu.”

“Go on, then,” the other boy retorted. “Fucking call the management if you want to.”

The others were slowly walking towards the kitchen, where the two yelled at each other.

“You think I’m scared of getting kicked out?” Mingyu countered again. “Go! Kick me out of the promotions for all I fucking care! You all don’t fucking understand what’s going on. She left me!”

“The world doesn’t revolve around her, Mingyu!” the older one screamed back. “She’s probably out there living her life normally and meeting new people, while you’re here drowning on your sadness and dragging everything with you! You need to get a fucking grip, Mingyu! Who cares if she’s gone?” Seungcheol continued, breathing heavily to pause. “You have us!” he screamed one last time before calming himself down and relaxing his voice. “You still have us. Aren’t we enough?” he asked.

Mingyu closed his eyes and then opened them back. He looked around and realized that the rest of the members were already huddled near them.

“You don’t understand. None of you do,” he muttered.

“Because you never tell us anything!” Seungcheol complained. “Why can’t you tell me? I’m the leader; you’re supposed to be telling me things so we could fix this.”

Mingyu was tired. They had an early shoot at the crack of dawn. Practice that afternoon was more painful than usual and he felt like his entire body was about to give up. He even got shit from their manager for looking so glum and visibly hangover during the shoot. He got a call from his mother, telling him that his manager has called her and asked her for help to get him to stop being a fucking asshole (although his mother never said that, he knew that’s what they meant). He just wanted to grab a few bottles of beer from the fridge and go drink at the rooftop and maybe pass out there. But Seungcheol was getting in the way of that.

“Maybe,” he started, breathing heavily, “you aren’t doing a good job at being a leader, then, if you can’t get me to talk about and fix this.”

Seungcheol was stunned that he froze on his spot. The members audibly gasped before Jeonghan and Joshua stepped in to pull Mingyu away from Seungcheol.

“That’s enough, Mingyu,” Jeonghan angrily muttered. “Get out.”

“You’re kicking me out, too?” Mingyu asked. He couldn’t believe Jeonghan was telling him to get out. He stopped on his tracks, making the two older boys stop as well. He aggressively shrugged off both their hands that were gripping both his arms and looked around.

“You’re going to let them kick me out?” he asked the members who were just watching him with disappointed eyes. No one replied.

“Wonwoo? Minghao?”

“Leave, Mingyu,” Wonwoo replied.

Mingyu let out a bitter chuckle.

“So it’s Mingyu against everyone today, huh?” he said, shaking his head.

No one said anything, so he walked towards the door and wore his coat and shoes before stepping outside and slamming the door shut.

Silence remained inside the dorm. Seungcheol refused to speak to anyone that night and Seungkwan cried himself to sleep.

Mingyu had nowhere to go but their company’s building. He passed by the security and ignored the trainees who were all sweaty probably from practicing from morning to past midnight.

Mingyu hadn’t realized but the staff and everyone else from Pledis are upset about the massive change that had occurred to him in the span of three months. He was no longer the friendly Mingyu that everyone was so happy to see every morning because he greeted everyone with a warm smile. He comes to work hungover, dark circles under his eyes, messy hair. He ignores everyone except his members and doesn’t make silly jokes anymore.

He went straight to their own practice room, switching on only the lights in front of the mirror, and then entered Jihoon’s studio to take a cushion from his chair. Lying on the floor with the cushion under his head, he wished he had some alcohol at that moment. It was a cold night in November and his thick coat isn’t enough to keep him warm—a beer could’ve. He wanted to stop by the convenience store near the building but he left his wallet and phone at the dorm.

He had nothing but his coat and he couldn’t sleep. The thought of hurting Seungcheol kept him awake because he was such a fucking asshole who deserved nothing in the world. Mingyu knew what he did, but, fuck, what could he do? Seungcheol was right; he was drowning in his own sadness and he was dragging everything with him—including their career.

This was your fault.

Fuck, he just wanted his phone right now so he could call you and yell at you for doing this to them, to him. He hated you because even when you’re not with him, you still manage to control his life.

His eyes only started to droop at four in the morning and the last things on his mind were you and how much he wanted to go home.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Three months into the breakup, you were still a mess.

You had just submitted your resignation papers to the administration when you got a call from Seungcheol, asking if you could meet him that day if you’re free. You made an excuse, telling him that you had a lot of things to do at the school today, that you had papers to grade and students to meet for their oral English exams. But the man was persistent. He said that he was free the entire day anyway so he can wait until you’re done. He insisted on getting a car to pick you up and drive you to a location where he promised will just be the two of you. You reluctantly agreed, because it was Seungcheol after all, but told him he didn’t need to get someone to pick you up. You could just meet at your apartment where no one could see him.

“You’re moving?” was his response when you told him the news.

“I am hoping that I can,” you replied and lead the way to the kitchen. “Do you want anything? Coffee?”

“Coffee,” he answered almost immediately. “And anything you can cook quickly because I miss your dishes. How long has it been since you visited us?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know. Three? Four months? I don’t really count the days,” you lied.

You knew exactly how long it’s been since you’ve seen them since you’ve seen Mingyu. 98 days.

You proceeded to brew the coffee for Seungcheol while he settled himself on the dining table.

“Why are you moving?” he asked. “Is it because of Mingyu?”

You sighed.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “It’s just that… why? You used to tell us before that this is the apartment you’ve always been dreaming of.”

“I… I think I’m going home.”

“Home?” he asked, standing. “Home… as in your hometown?”

“..Yeah.”

“You’re leaving South Korea?” He started walking towards you. “Y/N, you can’t do that. You’re doing so well here in Seoul.”

“I’m not really…” you trailed off, opening the cabinets and taking out two packs of ramyeon. “And I’m not quite sure about it yet. I filed my resignation letter today. I’m just waiting for their confirmation and I’m going home.”

“Y/N… you can’t just leave.”

“I actually can,” you replied, letting out a laugh. “I’m not a Korean citizen yet. And my working visa expires next year. I can easily not re-apply my visa and stay in my hometown.”

“But I thought you love teaching English? Your Korean is so good now. I thought you are going to take your Master’s Degree here and try your luck as a professor? Y/N, you really can’t just leave. You invested so much on your life here,” he argued. He was now standing across the counter while you started boiling the water for the ramyeon.

“I did… I just…” you sighed. “Chill out, Seungcheol, okay? I’m not even sure of it yet because the admin hasn’t signed my resignation papers. I was just giving you a heads up.”

“I just don’t understand,” he mumbled, reaching out to help you unpack the ramyeon.

“I just… I miss home,” you replied.

“Home?” he asked. “You’ve been living here for two years. Seoul still isn’t home for you?”

It used to be, you wanted to say. Three months ago. Everything here felt like home. Now I just don’t know what home feels like anymore.

Seungcheol didn’t say anything about Mingyu that day. He hung out with you like the old times and told you stories about the rest of the group. When he was about to leave though, it seemed like he wanted to tell you something but kept it to himself before giving you a tight hug and making you promise to go see the kids because they miss you.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

The school ended up declining your resignation paper. They said that resigning means breaching the contract you signed when you began working as a permanent teacher. You had to hire a lawyer to fix that and pay the fees for cutting the contract short and your lawyer. You had savings and your salary as an English teacher in a Korean high school is no joke, but the fee to get everything done is no joke either. So you had no choice but to wait and teach for another semester until you can leave, which leaves you to the conclusion that the universe wants to skin you alive.

You were going insane. You can’t get Mingyu out of your mind because you’re in South Korea, teaching Korean students, living in an apartment in Seoul, mingling with Koreans and Mingyu is Korean. See, this itself is proof that you are going crazy.

You have done everything the Internet and your friends have told you to get him out of your head.

You redecorated your entire room. You moved your bed and table and re-organized your entire closet. But you were still reminded of Mingyu because the boy loved your room so much and it had so many memories of you that perhaps even emptying the entire room would do nothing to get him out of your mind. You learned new recipes and got into baking, but Mingyu loved to cook. You kept comparing your kimchi to his, and his tasted so much better. You went out for drinks, but you were too much of a pussy for anything more than that. You can’t socialize to save your life. That’s why you and Mingyu clicked so much because he brought out your fun side. Now that he’s out of your life, you’re back to your introverted and boring-ass self. You focused on your work, but your students’ crooked English reminded you of Mingyu so fucking much that you even cried on one Tuesday because one of the kids got confused whether he should say “I eat” or “I eating”.

Mingyu was on your skin and in your head and in your veins and it was becoming too much and you knew you couldn’t live like that.

But you had no choice but to endure all of this because you wanted this. You wanted to break up with him because of your petty reasons. Why did you even think you could easily just forget him? He was everywhere. His face is on billboards and television commercials and variety shows. His voice is on radios and podcasts and online. His scent, fuck, his scent was still lingering around you, and you knew that’s impossible because it’s been almost four awful months and surely it was just your imagination. Or you were just really going insane.

You wish you could say that the worst part of this is being alone—because your family was in your hometown and you don’t have relatives in Seoul and timezones are shit because you can’t even talk to your sister about this without having to worry about her being busy and your Korean friends were very nice (fuck, that’s their song, isn’t it? fuck, you’re screwed) but you’re not comfortable with talking to them about your ex and fuck, most of your Korean friends are in Seventeen and you just want to call Wonwoo and talk to him about this but you can’t because he’s probably with Mingyu and you can’t live with the anxiety of Mingyu hearing you talk to his best friends about him. Because the worst part of this all is that you still love him so, so much that it’s physically taking a toll on you. You had no fucking reason to break up with him. Your dumb self just got ahead of you and you were just tired of being inadequate. You want to scream at yourself because how do you feel after the breakup? Did you feel any less inadequate? You’re still you, only drenched in loneliness and heartache. Mingyu would have never let you felt this way. He would’ve held you close and kissed you all night, whispering how much he loves you and how thankful he is that he has you in his life.

But you’re almost four months into the breakup and you’re nowhere near moving on from Kim Mingyu and there’s nothing else you can do besides waiting for where life will take you. Wait for the unknown.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Mingyu thinks he’s doing well.

It’s February and the members were all excited to fly to Japan the coming week for a concert and promotions. They’re on their way home from their promotions for the special album and his head was leaning on Seungcheol’s shoulder.

The incident from that cold night in November has been long gone and forgotten by the leader. They didn’t speak for three days after the argument, but they were in the middle of promoting the full album so Mingyu knew he had to do something. He couldn’t let his brothers down like that, not when the album was doing really well and they were getting more and more recognition every day. He didn’t immediately feel better, but Kim Mingyu is an aspiring actor, and so he hid his pain and sadness from the world and made them think that the old Mingyu is back. The members were reluctant at first, not believing when he announced that he was going to stop drinking for a while and go back to his old hardworking self. Seungcheol even suggested that he could take a few days off, but he refused and said that he’ll be fine. He even made up a lie and said that if there was one thing he loved more than you, it was working. With a silly joke, the members seemed to believe him. He tried his best to put up a front, and he succeeded because, by the time the year-end shows came, the members were completely sure that he has moved on now.

Everything seemed to work because he even scored a few solo projects here and there. He went to Weekly Idol with Seokmin and their dogs, and he tried his best not to remember the way you were so affectionate to Aji because the dog loved you more than him. He had a schedule with Seungkwan as well and is now an MC in Inkigayo. He’s beyond glad of the projects giving handed to him. Sure, it’s for Seventeen’s recognition and he will forever be grateful for that, but the projects are really helping him get his mind off of you.

Six months after the breakup, Kim Mingyu doesn’t really know what he feels. He knew that the anger has subsided but the sadness is still there. It’s just a little blurry now because he’s been pretending to be all right for so long. He realized one afternoon that he hasn’t cried over you since the breakup, and he was contemplating whether it was a good thing or not. He just let the thought slide before his mind could take him deeper into the memories of you.

“Mingyu-ah,” Junhui called his attention. Mingyu immediately lifted his head from Seungcheol’s shoulder and looked at Junhui. “We’ve been calling your attention for a while. Are you okay?”

Mingyu quickly plastered a smile on his face and nodded. “Just a little tired, hyung. What were you saying?”

“Where do you want to eat tonight?” the older one asked. “Seungkwan just sent a text on the group chat that he and the rest of the members in their van are really craving for some samgyeopsal.”

The rest immediately debated on whether they should all just agree with the other half of the group while Mingyu fake-listened and wondered how long he must keep doing this.

Because it’s getting a little suffocating and all he wants is for you to stroke his hair.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

You know how in movies when you see your significant other for the first time in a long time, the world goes in slow motion?

Kim Mingyu will fight whoever started that idea because it’s not true.

He knew it was you. Even with your new haircut and a mask and cap, he was sure it was you that he saw leave their building just now. But you were gone the second he saw you.

He was running quite late. His hosting gig in Inkigayo starts today and he was supposed to go straight there without the members, but he had to pick up their manager from their building because he couldn’t go alone. He had just sent the text message to his manager and SVT’s group chat to tell them he’s waiting in front of the building and is too lazy to enter the building when he saw you.

Your hair is a lot shorter than the last time he saw you. When did you get a haircut? The last time you posted a picture of yourself on your Instagram has been quite a while now; maybe you had it last year? You were not wearing your eyeglasses as usual. Were you finally comfortable with contacts?

Mingyu wished he got to look at you better, a little longer, but things really go against his favor when it comes to you. You were quickly covered by trainees who were leaving the building and knowing how small you are, Mingyu knew you were probably just behind them. He smiled at the thought, and then quickly slid out of his car to run to you. He had no reason, but he just wanted to. But you were already gone.

He sighed and ran inside the building, went straight to the practice room where the rest of the group is huddled around a table. They didn’t realize he came in until he spoke.

“She was here, wasn’t she?” he asked.

They all turned around. That’s when he saw two cakes on the table and Seokmin and Vernon’s faces smeared with icing.

“Y-you saw her?” Minghao stuttered.

Mingyu let out a laugh. “You were really going to hide it from me?”

“She just dropped by to give us cakes for our birthday,” Vernon explained. “She didn’t stay too long.”

“She remembered?” Mingyu asked.

“Of course!” Chan exclaimed. “She even remembered mine! She—!”

“Chan!”

“It’s fine,” Mingyu said with a smile. “I’m glad she still does.”

“Well,” Seungkwan interrupted. “If you’re fine with it, then can I also brag about her present on my birthday?”

Everyone laughed, including Mingyu.

But he can’t help but wonder if you’d do that to him on his birthday.

Probably not.

❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎ ❄︎

Seokmin and Hansol wanted to invite you to their small dinner party for their birthday before they flew to Japan the next day. They promised they wouldn’t say anything about you and Mingyu; you only needed to show up and eat, maybe tell a story and then leave. But as much as the boys pleaded for you to meet them after their performance, you refused. Seokmin was upset but accepted it anyway.

You had missed everyone so much. It had been about six months since you last saw them in person—except for Seungcheol who visited you on that November day. He kept calling you after that and asked you to finally fulfill your promise and come to visit them. He sent you tickets to every year-end show, hoping you’d at least come to watch them, but you didn’t attend any of it. He sent you signed copies of every version of the two albums they released in the past six months, but only got a text from you saying you’re thankful and that you’re proud of them.

You felt bad, but it’s not like you could just show up and act like nothing’s wrong, right?

“How about this,” you suggested during your phone call with Seokmin. “I’ll come and give you my presents but only if he’s not with you.”

“Please do,” Seokmin begged. “We just need to see you for a while. Min—he’s not coming to the company building today. Everyone will be here for the last minute checking except for him; he’ll go straight to Inkigayo.”

“Are you sure?” you asked. “Seokmin, you need to be sure that he won’t be there.”

“I’m sure,” he confirmed. “He’s a host now, did you know that? So he’ll be going to Inkigayo every Sunday without us.”

You nodded as if he could see you.

“You’re really coming over then? What time will you come? We’re leaving the dorm in about two hours.”

Excitement filled the boy’s voice, and you couldn’t help but miss everyone even more.

It took you around three hours to prepare everything—bake two cakes for the birthday boys, quickly wrap the gifts you were supposed to just send through the mail, and get ready to see the boys. You were fidgeting inside the taxi because it has been too long since you saw the boys in person. When you arrived at the building, the security guard greeted you and said he hasn’t seen you in a long time. You greeted everyone you knew and made your way to the practice room where the boys were preparing.

If it weren’t for the boxes of cake you were holding, the boys could’ve jumped on you the second you entered the room. Joshua was quick to take the boxes and put it on a table, but not without giving you a short hug. Seokmin and Seungkwan squished you into a tight hug, followed by the rest of the members. You even got a few temple kisses here and there.

After singing happy birthday to Hansol and Seokmin, they offered you a seat and said they had about two more hours before they had to leave, and that gave you enough time to ask them how they are.

“Hey, Minghao,” you called out. “You should take care of yourself more. You got me really worried when you injured yourself.”

“If you were really worried, why did you never come visit me?” he teased.

“I sent you a lot of messages and even a box of chocolate chips I made myself!” you exclaimed, making the boys laugh.

“Noona,” Seungkwan suddenly said seriously. “If you don’t mind me asking, what really happened between you and hyung?”

Seungcheol nudged him and mumbled he shouldn’t be asking things like that.

“Why can’t I?” Seungkwan complained. “They left us all in the dark and told us nothing. Noona, you should tell me at least one thing about what happened, because I’m going crazy thinking about what went wrong. Was Mingyu-hyung not treating you properly?”

You shook your head. “Oh, no. Mingyu treated me so well. He was… is…. perfect.”

“Then what happened? Why’d you leave him?” Wonwoo asked this time. There was a distinct coldness in his voice and in his eyes. Although he gave you a tight hug earlier that day and kissed your temple and told you he missed you, you knew Wonwoo must have been holding a grudge on you since the breakup.

“It’s… it’s complicated,” you answered. “You wouldn’t und—”

“We wouldn’t understand?” Wonwoo finished your statement. He let out a bitter laugh. “You’re really like Migyu. That’s the exact same thing he’s been telling us. Didn’t it occur to the two of you that we would want a complicated explanation rather than nothing?”

“Wonwoo,” Jeonghan warned.

“It’s all right,” you said. “It’s not Mingyu. It was never him who made mistakes in our relationship. He’s… perfect and he’s everything anyone could want. It’s just… it’s me, okay? I couldn’t get the thought of me being undeserving of the relationship out of my head. He assured me every day that it was what he wanted. That it was me who he wanted. But… it’s just… me. My head. I wanted to be better for him, but this is my limit. My limit is teaching in a school five times a week and grading papers. I couldn’t even take a break from work to come with him on tour for once even when he begged so much. I… I couldn’t… can’t… do anything for him, while he did so much for me. I felt… I felt so inadequate and it was eating me every day.”

Silence filled the room. You noticed that the staff had left you and the members. The boys were scattered around you, just listening and looking at you with sad eyes.

“I just…” you trailed off, swallowing the lump on your throat before you burst into a puddle of tears. “I just love him so much. He deserved the best and I couldn’t be that for him.”

None of them replied for a while, as if they were waiting for you to talk more. And you wanted to tell them everything and admit that you would give everything to have Mingyu back but you knew that it would be so unfair for him. You wanted to tell them that you don’t want to see Mingyu with anyone else and that it would kill you because you only see yourself with him and no one else. But you kept mum about how you really felt.

Seungkwan and Seokmin squished you for another tight hug before you left. Wonwoo volunteered to walk with you and suggested that you should take the stairs instead of the elevator to talk for a bit.

“I’m sorry for what I said,” he mumbled. “I just… things have been really difficult for Mingyu, okay? I just… I don’t like seeing that punk so sad.”

“I should be the one who’s sorry,” you replied as you carefully went down the stairs.

“You’ve listened to the special album, right?” he suddenly asked and you nodded. “Listen to Thinkin’ About You again. You know the chorus, the rappers’ part, the one him, me and Seungcheol sing… he wrote that. And it inspired the rest of the hip-hop team to write our lyrics.”

You just nodded again, unable to form a sentence because you really didn’t want to think about Mingyu again. The rest of the walk was silent until you reached the end of the steps and bid Wonwoo goodbye and a promise to see him again soon.

You had just turned your back from him and started walking when he called you again. You didn’t have enough time to look back because Wonwoo already said the words that almost made you weak on the knees.

“You know he didn’t want the best, right? He only wanted you.”

You just closed your eyes and nodded again, walking away quickly.

There was a group of trainees and staff when you reached the exit, and you quickly left the building before you could see any more people you knew. The taxi you called earlier was already waiting near the building so you ran towards it and let out a sigh of relief once you’re inside.

One and two small petals,

one and two memories of us,

I’m not forgetting each and every one.

“Me, too, Mingyu,” you whispered to yourself as the taxi pass by building after building, memory after memory. “I’m not forgetting.”

> part ii

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