#bonds beyond time is bad and that’s why i love it. also bc it makes my bro so mad bc they break so many gameplay rules it’s hilarious

[un-pearable]

a lot of ygo fans write off zexal bc of the first few episodes / just protags design in general but from all the fans that have watched it theyve really loved it so that ive seen. idk. do with that what you will.

good to know!!! it’s been eons since i’ve watched it and i remember negative nothing but i think(???) his dad one of those mysteriously disappearing archaeologist parents tropes so . wild . his design is wack even by yugioh standards so that’s fair

checked the wiki and it says “adventurer” but it’s functionally the same and he’s voiced by sean schemmel so deadass that might be enough to make me want to try it again for fun

[2demondogs]

Hi! Could I get some domestic Charles headcanons? Like if him on his own ranch with his partner and children?

Sure!! Gender-neutral reader! Sorta hit a block on this one bc while I want to wife Charles up 100%, I am very much destined to be a Cool Gay Uncle, so I hope it's okay lol.

Charles does most of the hunting, slaughtering, and cooking. He's good at the former, doesn't mind the rest, and he likes that you compliment the latter. If you want to join him catching dinner or cooking it, Charles is usually more than happy to have company. He'd also love the opportunity to teach you whatever he can; once they're old enough, teaching the kids is his favorite way to bond with them.

He does need alone time, and wants to give you yours. There's only so much interaction anyone can take, and Charles is a naturally reclusive man. Normally, he'll take hunting trips or repairs around the place as an excuse to be on his lonesome for a while. If you're not someone who frequently needs to recharge on your own, he'll probably worry that he's stressing you out being so... around.

For a quiet guy, he rambles at night. Charles tends to talk pre-sleep anxieties out with you when he's tired enough — and he has a lot of them, for living such a slow life nowadays. Things from the past, what comes in the future, what that hide will fetch. By the time kids come along, he'll wear his brain smooth on one side worrying about them. Especially the girls. He is a Girl Dad for sure.

Charles is not very good with young kids. He's good at respecting them as their own tiny, more chaotic versions of adults. Patience is a virtue, and he can put up with their nonsense — though that's more affectionately thought than anything — for a long time, as long as they're satisfied in committing it. Once they start crying, though... let's just say that approaching a child the same way he approaches wounded animals worked until he spoke too hard on accident, and the kid burst into tears again.

Kids love him regardless. Usually, anyways. There was a period of time where babies tended to cry whenever he looked at them, and neither of you really know why to this day. But he's quiet, so they can talk all they want; he's tall and sturdy enough to climb; very firm hugs, and doesn't mind giving them; and once they're old enough, his advice is solid without being too kind. He's kept his physique if only because, for some reason, every single kid has loved being swung around like a feed sack. Like most things, he doesn't get the appeal, but whatever makes the critters happy, y'know?

Despite the difficulties, a family was never a bad idea. Charles likes the idea of having roots, and having them with you. Anything stationary is a grace in his life. To think the rest of it could be nothing but that is at once suffocating and comforting. He'll probably drag you all on a few trips and wander off on some excursions to sate the drive to run around, but beyond that, he's just fine being a homebody now that he's got a home.

One of his more sentimental insistences is a yearly family portrait. It's an expense, but ranching is good enough money to warrant it. Beyond expressions of contentment, he doesn't often make gestures or say much in the vein of this— but it says enough about what you all mean to him that he gets a few prints of each one.

He doesn't tell the kids much of his history. Of course, he connects with them as deeply as he can because they're his babies. Charles is the master of dropping absolutely horrific lore on them over a beer once they hit their thirties, but before then? Good luck. It's dangerous, sure; he wasn't always a good man, no, and sometimes he's ashamed; most of all, what happened in and to the Van der Linde gang — and the world they sprouted from, and where that world is buried, and where the world is going nowadays, and everything else — still scares him. He would be happier if you didn't know a lick of it, either.

[bababerries]

Jack is a lot of things but tbh I don’t really get why people call him a stalker and I do take issue with insinuating he was abusive to Lacie in their relationship (when she was alive that is. His behavior towards her daughters, her best friend/doll and all the things she loved post her demise was extremely awful)

Jack’s behaviour towards Lacie is never normal or healthy and is definitely creepy. But I don’t see how he’s abusive or a stalker. If anything id say one of the issues in their relationship was Jack was too much of a pushover who had such little respect for himself that he never had the will to truly fight for a bond that they both cherished because he just couldn’t see anything beyond. I can’t help but feel like labeling him as abusive in this stage of their relationship a bit cruel towards him and unsympathetic. And I love Lacie to the moon and back but I’ll be honest I do think she was abusive to Jack in this relationship. (I am in no way trying to demonize her for this that’s my babygirl and she’s been through a lot. But I think Jack’s feelings also matter here)

I don't think we talk a lot about how Lacie sexually assaulted Jack (COCSA) in their first interaction with one another. And then later goes onto encourage him to do sex work. And Jack listens.She purposely choose to talk to him as he was someone in a vulnerable position. (Homeless and abused) so that she could play with him. She gives him her earing and tells him to come and find her Do I think Lacie was serious when she was saying this? No. I don't think Lacie genuinely made plans to see Jack again. She was just simply fouling around. This encounter meant very different things for both of them. And for Jack it flipped his whole world on his head. He was shown love for the first time in his life and was encouraged to chase after it by that person so he did. While the efforts he goes to get her is concerning I feel like calling this stalker behavior gives a much different impression and also feels a bit unempathetic to me? And is also just incorrect. Jack spends 7 years trying to find Lacie under the impression that she to wanted this shown physically with the earring. Not 7 years watching her from afar. I think it's also worth noting Jack processed Lacie's love as maternal to an extent. She did things for him a mother should do for a child (give him food, cut his hair, give him life advice and orders, protect him from bad guys, hugs) I don't wanna go super in depth bc i'd love to make a whole analysis on Jack's feelings for Lacie but Lacie even makes this comparison herself

(And once again I wanna preface with I don't think Lacie owes Jack motherhood. In fact i'm very uncomfortable with viewing motherhood in a positive lens in regards to Lacie's arc as it felt like it was always something forced upon her to further abuse and mystify her. )

And the second time. Lacie once again is the one to ask Jack to see her again. (This time however out of genuine desire.) She makes the first move and suggest this of him

I think it's fair to say Jack would probably want to try to see her again after this as an alternative response to "What are you going to do now Jack?" But I feel like it's a bit up in the air/up to interpretation. Of course I 100% think he wants to see Lacie. But he to is scared of overstepping boundaries to an extent that damages their relationship. He doesn't answer his question to her saying "I want to see you again" "I'm going to see you again" "Can I see you again" It's "I don't know." Which I think you can also take as now that Jack has completed the only life goal he's made for himself he doesn't know what to do with himself. He could be hiding his want and desires to surprise her and see her but he has no reason to do that here. Levi also giving him the paper in this scene suggests Jack lacks the knowledge to come back on his own. Point is Lacie made the first move here and asked him to come back once again she's the one pushing things.

Lacie has power over Jack. She's the on with power over him because he was vulnerable towards her. I don't mean to demonize Lacie with this post and perhaps I focused too much of her flaws in the relationship but the main point I wanna make is I do feel like people are too hard on Jack in regards to how he acted in their relationship when she was alive. Unfairly antagonizing him when he's the bigger victim in this relationship.

[lucaanis]

Give us the Ileyth and Viago thoughts you coward

welll.... if you insist !

i'll write out my silly thoughts in bullet format bc it's how i make the most sense i think.

so Basically lleyth grew up kinda idolizing viago. they thought he was the best thing since sliced bread and practically glued themself to his side, wanted to be just like him, etc. viago initially was not equipped to handle this and it made him a little distant bc he was deeply afraid of Screwing Them Up and figured that as long as he didn't let himself get too attached it would Be Fine. and then he failed step one (don't get attached)

it especially got harder to Not get attached bc lleyth was literally like. the perfect fledgling. they worked hard and they got results and they were talented and driven and intelligent, viago saw their potential early on

they finally got to bond a little bc lleyth was soooo impressed with viago's poison autism specialization and wanted him to train them so bad. it was like. the One Time viago could genuinely ramble about his area of expertise without people making fun of him or being disinterested, bc lleyth quickly took to the art of alchemy and spent a lot of time honing their skills and studying from/under viago, and it was a v symbiotic teacher/pupil relationship bc lleyth was like the One Guy who took him seriously and admired his knowledge and skill on the subject instead of just being like "ugh he's going on about his vials again...." and it definitely boosted his ego lmao

(additionally, lleyth went on to continue their alchemical studies more in-depth, branching out beyond just poisons and into bombs and traps and potions/poultices as well. they Like tinkering and experimenting a lot. but everything they know today they owe to viago)

crows gossip like a bunch of nosy bitches so lleyth kinda had a reputation in the crows for being "viago's little shadow", often going wherever he went if they could help it. they also met teia thru viago and hit it off almost instantly and have been close friends ever since

when lleyth got older (19 thru early 20s) they kinda changed. they were struggling a lot with dysphoria (not having a word for why they felt miserable all the time tho) as well as general frustrations with the crows + viago. feeling like they were being held back on purpose and constantly trying to prove themselves while being brushed off by the other talons (besides teia) + viago being distant and annoyed with their "moody youth" phase. they started to act out a little, push back at viago during arguments and take unnecessary risks during contracts or coming home drunk (lmao) that made viago worry. and it was lowkey bc they wanted someone to Say Something and talk to them but viago was Not Good at that and kinda dropped the ball and became harder on them as a result bc he thought some tough love would set them straight. as well as give him plausible deniability when accused of favoritism bc viago will NOT suffer the impression that he is soft

lleyth lowkey drives viago fucking Nuts during this stage because he sees a lot of teia in them but also a lot of himself in ways he does Not like reflected back at him. and i think he also does not like feeling like he had such a significant role in shaping this person for better or for worse, so he gets kinda weird about it

there are a lot of events that transpire here that would honestly need their own post to unpack but lleyth eventually got a title within the crows thanks to one particularly Fucked Up contract, they mellow out a lot mid-20s and transition and mature a lot.

one of lleyth's biggest fears is feeling like they disappointed/let someone down. and i think by the time lleyth leaves (against their will) with varric bc viago is trying to protect them from the other talons, lleyth kinda like. takes this the wrong way? they don't see viago being protective— they feel betrayed by him like he wanted to wash his hands clean of them because they Disappointed him. and that feeling of (perceived) rejection from someone they loved and admired their whole life hit really hard, and shook their perspective a bit. it forced them to try and figure out who they are without viago's influence and it felt like being pushed from the nest way too soon. not to mention having to leave home for a year with 2 strangers which was rly tough on them (even if they grew to be very close with varric & harding during that year)

lleyth also isn't exactly Sure how to describe their relationship with viago. honestly. because they never knew their parents, the crows are the closest thing they have to family (esp. teia and viago, which they will Say if asked bc despite whatever unresolved resentment they feel for viago they will always love him)

the best they could describe it is "the closest thing i had to a father" but even that doesn't feel true or right, bc viago was never like. paternal. but they dont know what a paternal relationship even LOOKS like, they have no basis for it— so they see viago as a vague mirage of a distant father figure, or at least what they would imagine one to be.

being told that they remind someone of viago makes them tense up. as well as people implying viago feels affection/favoritism towards them bc they genuinely do not think that is the case

but here's the fun part lmao. viago ALSO feels like he's the one who let THEM down. and telling them to leave with varric was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do. and he became very crabby after they left (moreso than usual) and constantly misses and worries about them, but of course he'll never say this, because...?

and ofc if he actually DID ever tell them to their face that he missed them, worried about them, was proud of them etc it would. well. not immediately solve all of their problems but it would be a good start to mend the things that are fractured in their relationship. and if he hugged them at least once i think it would fix something nasty that's been festering inside of them for a while. unfortunately. teehee

teia of course is aware of A Lot of This and is constantly trying to push viago to pull his head out of his ass and say some genuine words of affirmation for once in his life. but it clearly isn't working so she tries to speak for him when she can, but she also knows lleyth doesn't seem to take what she says to heart and stonewalls her when she brings it up (which annoys her and amuses her greatly in equal parts because that's soooo like viago 🙄🙄🙄)

despite it all lleyth is still friendly with him, eespecially now that they're back in treviso. however if you put lleyth and viago in a room together they would sit in awkward silence so tense it kills anyone else in the proximity bc neither of them know what to say to each other anymore <3

anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk 👍 if anyone actually read all of this im so sorry lmao

[yourqueenb]

Saw someone say that Nia keeping secret was validated by Tyrils whole dilemma and shit behavior about it and yeah soooo true but also I think that. It shouldn't have been part of MCs plot. Like what if it wasn't MC who was told to keep her shadow secret but MAL.... like they have spent most of the year together they worked closely on the ophranage so plenty of time to build more trust between each other and Mal acting weird and closed off would be at least somewhat justified... as well as his sort of immunity to shadow attack like what if Nia had the ability to shield him bc he knew about her powers and didn't need explanation. Like I'm actually so pissed off that they created unnecessary drama for MC when the set up was already there that would have had deepened two LIs arcs and test their bonds with the group and MC.. but no its always annoying variation of liar reveal

I read this ask yesterday I think and have really been contemplating how I want to respond to it because I have so many thoughts and don’t want this to turn into a lengthy, disorganized mess 🤦🏽‍♀️ But anyway, from an objective standpoint this does make sense. And I do hate that MC was held responsible instead of Nia. (Although it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought everyone would be angry with us, which would’ve put me off Mal specifically even more considering his behavior so far — more on that later though. But it was really just Tyril if you picked one option and Nia herself if you picked the other based on some screenshots I saw. Which bitch, how is MC betraying your confidence when you’re literally standing in front of everyone looking like lit charcoal on a damn grill??? The secret’s already out! But I digress…). However, I know that Nia being coddled is a part of her arc and is contributing to her current shadow state and overall growth regardless of how annoying it is.

Back to your main point though, on a personal level I don’t think I would want Mal to be the one hiding Nia’s secret because I feel that would create a lot of potential for romantic undertones and he’s already been showing less genuine concern for MCs who are romancing him than he should anyway imo. He keeps saying he thought we were dead/going to die, he’s happy we’re back, things were so hard without us, etc., yet his actions don’t actually align with that. He wants to protect everyone so much to the point he’s willing to “sacrifice himself”, but he barely reacts to MC continuously being placed in near death situations? Idk it just feel like we’re priority #974127 on his list.

And then there’s the whole “you slept through it” situation, which I know I keep bringing up but is so serious in my eyes! He gets to diminish and dismiss what MC went through — something we don’t get to do when he’s crying about how hard it was throughout that year and us being ripped from the group was what caused the hardship in the first place! Like imagine if we were like “You didn’t have it that hard, Mal. You got to move on, continue to rob the rich, and open an orphanage while I was strapped down getting my blood drained and no one came to save me” 😐 And the sad thing is that I know it will never be addressed because it was something they used as a throwaway line to punish people who didn’t have the Inspire skill. (Which why you would make a character say something that damn cruel to the MC who is his friend or love interest as a throwaway line is beyond me, but whatever). Either way, my point is that it’s already bad enough that MC still feels like an outsider in the group (to me at least). So Mal being so closed off because he and Nia were keeping secrets on top of everything I just mentioned would be even worse imo

[cloudypinkblink]

one were suguru was always Yggdrasil

think of it like he wanted to see the human world with it own eyes so he made the persona of suguru

maybe he married and started a family with sayuri so he could try to understand why humans cared about 'family' so much , if he actually cares for them idk

WELL! Teehee twirls my hair giggles

I also just love drawing Suguru bc he hansomeee hehehe But here's my own spin bc u know me by now anon :3 His reasoning for finally peeking at the human world is likely that the barriers are thinning and digimon are starting to spill into the human world, and Yggdrasil wants to experience and see humanity before making any decisions. He feels right now is the safest time, as humans are beginning to learn and see something new and unknown, but it's happening at a slow, calm rate so there aren't any major catastrophes yet. Definitely just disguises himself as a guy. I like the idea of Yggdrasil genuinely falling for Sayuri and genuinely loving his family- I actually really like the idea that he didn't necessarily plan to have kids, so he was lowkey using his god powers to stop that (and he told Sayuri something abt him just not likely being able to do that) He just wants to explore this human world and humanity; despite all the cruelities that do happen, he enjoys her perspective, and finds himself warmed by her genuine optimism- but is grateful for her realism as well, because life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Despite that, she has strength to keep moving forward, keep being kind, and keep smiling. He feels... apathetic towards the rest of humanity, but Sayuri's outlook definitely helps tame any disgust or hatred he has. I feel he also genuinely likes and respects DATS- or at least the members who show genuine interest AND respect. I think around now he has a little hope in the humans that are good; that they can outweigh the bad. That's probably why he begins assisting the humans with digital partners. Yes, he could just reveal himself or do more; but the mission is to see what they do with what they're given. Can they really be compatible? Can they really be friends? He can't force such bonds, so he wants to see if humanity will take his gifts and use it well. (He is a little biased, treating his digimon with more favor.) By the time he has Masaru- I think at first he kinda expected to view Masaru as just another creation. to feel towards him what he does towards Digimon. But his affection for Masaru (and later Chika) exceeds that, because they were children born of love between him and another.

He loves his family, genuinely, but he is also the god of the digital world, and as things worsen, I think he has to make decisions. That's still his world that he reigns over. I think before he leaves during that goal to find Ikuto, he finally tells Sayuri the truth. It's... a lot for her to swallow, and I think they leave on awkward terms- it's the kind of thing where she wants to talk to him, have questions answered, etc etc,. but she needed time to process first, and he left before she finished. She keeps it from Masaru and Chika- unsure how they'll take it. I think she gets a little mixed feelings when Masaru befriends Agumon. Yggdrasil definitely pays attention once Masaru starts poking into the Digital World- curious how his son feels and views everything. At the end, he is largely proud of him (wishes he'd be less hot-headed, though.) Yggdrasil maintains his human form, but he does reveal the truth to his Royal Knights, Bancholeomon, and some other ruling digimon, like Mercurimon. Kurata's actions definitely soil Yggdrasil's views on humanity- in his rage and anguish over the loss of so many, he forgets the other humans he met beyond his own family. Even as he watches Masaru work with Touma, Yoshino and Ikuto- who share his perspective, he has a hard time caring for them. In the end the only reaosn he still loves Masaru is because of his familial and fatherly bias. Of coruse Masaru and Chika are good- they are of him and Sayuri. As things worsen, he genuinely starts to plan on a way to cut off conntact with the human world- but he's determined now to bring his family to him. He doesn't want the humans hurting his digimon any further, but he does not want to put Sayuri or his children at risk. Does not help matters when Touma, Masaru's human best friend, betrays them. By the time Masaru and him come face to face, he admits the truth of who he is- and while the others get away, he doesn't let them take Masaru. He tells Masaru his goal to destroy the human world, as it's the only way to save the digital world- and despite Yggdrasil trying to pacify him with the promise of being able to live in the digital world with his family, Masaru is too angry and afraid (dude's 14 and has been loaded w/ a lot recently okay) Yggdrasil just keeps him locked up for his own safety. A big thing is that Yggdrasil IS a computer god thing and IS supposed to be logical, but he let himself feel and have emotions and have a love and have family; it changed how he thinks, operates, etc etc Now he's more likely to feeel rage, anguish, etc., when before he might've kept a calmer head, and instead looked at everything with a colder, but logical, apathy. Now only does he have his family he genuinely loves, but being with Sayuri and learning about his heart, it did make him more affectionate and more protective of his own world. Dunno how this would end yet; I do wanna say it'd probably have a bittersweet ending where Masaru does go to the digital world, where he stays with Agumon (and Yggdrasil) while Chika and Sayuri prefer the human world and remain there.

[acourtofthought]

lol I was skimming through your blog and I saw ppl love to say elain is uncomfortable around lucien I once had this argument with someone and I asked them "why hasn't she break the mating bond?" and they instantly shut down lol

like come on girl if she was THAT uncomfortable wouldn't she asked feyre if there was a way to end whatever it was with him and set herself free and choose azriel? she had 2 years to think about it and it apparently hasn't accrued to her once...

and my bigger question is why Azriel hasn't ask himself that? ah right... he hasn't think beyond the fantasy of her in his bedroom so he dosen't really care if she's mated or not bc his brothers are mated to her sisters and lucien of all people is mated with her, now how fair is that? very romantic...

honestly it's really that simple... yall just need to think a little and stop being blind and delulu lmao

I think it's probably accurate to say Elain IS uncomfortable when Lucien is around.

But.......so what, right? 😂

Feyre was terrified of Rhys when she first met him.

Nesta made Cassian feel like he was worthless when she first met him, snorting and looking away as if he was nothing then told him on multiple occasions to leave her the hell alone.

So yes, Elain is uncomfortable but there are many possible reasons that could be causing that besides the "she has no interest in him and will never have interest in him" argument.

I am the absolute worst around people I'm really attracted to. Like, "can't make eye contact and have no idea what to say" awkward and uncomfortable.

Elain might not want a mate or a male because she's trying to convince herself it's the truth all the while being frustrated that she's extremely drawn to Lucien.

Elain's "newfound boldness" might disappear around Lucien because he can see right through that "newfound boldness" to realize she's fooling herself and those around her, that she's not as happy and fine in the NC as she's putting out there.

Everyone expects Elain to make friends and be optimistic because that's who she's always been but what happens when if it's not working? She wouldn't want to let others down when they have certain expectations of her so she's showing them what they want to see. Maybe she's trying to fake it until she makes it herself.

But a mate KNOWS things and can most likely sense that she's full of shit. That would make me lose my "newfound boldness" too. Knowing someone has a front row seat to my soul and they can see act I'm putting on.

Until we are at the end of Elain's book (considering Nesta STILL couldn't admit her feelings for Cassian until 3/4 of the way through), no one can say for certain that Elain's reaction to Lucien isn't a result of the intense emotions and pull she has to him, that it's something she's fighting having to admit because it's scary.

Like you said, why string the poor man along for nearly two years if she's really not interested? Why keep accepting his gifts? Why not beg Feyre to not invite him to Solstice? And why haven't Az or Elain made any plans on what they'll say to Lucien if they do in fact have feelings for one another? If Elain has no interest in him then why is Rhys telling Az to back off? Why does Nesta call her a wretch for not sitting near him? Why does Cassian feel bad for the longing on Lucien's face? Why did Feyre tell Elain to get to know Lucien? Why did Feyre encourage Lucien to spend more time with Elain? Considering these are Az's people, why are they all on board the Elucien train?

Elain and Az not ending up together is a blip in their journey's. They had a year where they tossed around the idea of something (all the while Az was also tossing around the idea of wishing Mor wanted him). But they can move on and it really doesn't affect anyone to any real degree, not even themselves. If Az can get over his 500 + year old love for Mor within the span of a book then getting over a 1 year long crush should take him 1/500th of that time.

Elain and Lucien not ending up together impacts their entire lives. It impacts the lives of whoever they end up with (that person always knowing that their SO has a unique bond with someone else, a super special connection that only mates share). It's not something, as Rhys tells us, that will ever completely go away.

[polkadotpatterson]

For the ask game:

For Dot + Workman: 4 (in general types or specific shows, 12, and/or 25 (🥺) 

And then also and/or Salt coven for 15, and/or 37 bc now I'm thinking of salt movie night

4. Their favorite show to watch together?

I'm gonna be real I am perpetually bad at knowing what media any characters would like. I could see them both enjoying documentaries tbh? That's my vague answer lol

12. Who prefers calling to texting (& vice versa)?

I think when Dot was away in the Core and Dallas they tried to call each other whenever possible so they could properly talk!

...and now I'm thinking, what if Dot's fingers aren't particularly compatible with phone touchscreens, so they have to make a lot of extra effort to text either bc they have to wrestle with the screen, or bc they had to get an ancient nokia or something similar with buttons, and texting that way is its own kind of struggle. so, calling!

25. (a lil sappy, but..) What do they like about each other?

ough... I think the main thing has always been that they just Get Each Other in ways that other people can't. They both have that love of the sport and that great synchronicity when they play together, and they understand what it's like to be irrevocably changed by it in more ways than most players, to have their old lives stripped away and have their bodies made into something unfamiliar. and they help each other deal with that and work through it! it's good to have someone around who just understands you. kindred spirits. you know how it is

Beyond that, Dot likes that Workman is just such a warm person, someone who brightens up the room and makes them smile, makes them feel more at ease in any situation. Workman likes all the little things about Dot that the blessing tried to hide but couldn't, like their sense of humour and their devotion to their team, and of course how good they are with Beasley and how Workman can trust that Dot is the right person to take care of him when they're not around :')

SALT COVEN MOVIE NIGHT!!! this is such a fun concept. has everyone read the salt? read the salt

15. Who's the first to cry during movies that don't seem sad?

I think this definitely depends on the movie! Like, they can't watch anything with ocean scenes in it when SomeThing is around bc it gets upset and bad things happen when it gets upset!!! I think Dian would probably cry at some things in movies. Yado will cry at cute animal scenes. Phoenecia might cry a bit at a scene that reminded her too much of her old life and then she'd have to insist that this isn't crying, it's the new Moisturization Ducts that she gave herself, they're very efficient

37. Who wanted to see Oppenheimer; who Barbie? Did they switch opinions after?

I feel like this is a bit harder for me to answer when I still haven't seen either of them, but here's my best attempt at sorting them:

Team Barbie: Dian, Yado, Jenkins, Elodie, Carson (edit: KEVIN I forgot about Kevin)

Team Oppenheimer: Mehr, Austin, Weston, Phoenicia, Minh, SomeThing

Really doesn't care about any of this: Milo

I know Elodie and Minh aren't part of the coven (and technically neither is Carson) but I think this is funnier if it's Team Movie Night Double Feature and Elodie is happy to go bc yay team bonding! and meanwhile Minh is like what is the secret plan, why are you dragging me out here for this, is this an ominous threat about how you're building your own atomic salt bomb or what??? he's not having a good time

[haleigh-sloth]

Is it bad that when I saw Touya tried to attack baby Shouto, all I thought was ppor Touya and shouto(even tho he baby so he most definitely thought nothing of it 😅)? like I've seen peeps use that attack as proof that Touya was evil from the get go, but all it did for me was make me feel sad for him and in fact my negative feelings were more aimed at Enji(and somewhat Rei) more so than Touya! it's a parents job to help guide their children in life, and I don't know I feel it really paints a bad light on them that Touya's first experience with baby Shouto is to attack. Kids get jealous I know, but still that speaks volumes on how their actions led to a horrible outcome for Touya.

Ahh I mean no there's nothing wrong feeling that way because at the end of the day, the situation was awful for both of them.

I can't really find it in me to very seriously and deeply explain away the "Touya was born evil" takes bc if people still think that at this point then they're beyond help.

But feeling bad for both siblings is, imo, the correct response you're supposed to have. Both of them were given a responsibility before they were even fucking conceived.

Touya was already seriously distressed at that point, which is just horrible to think about for an 8/9 year old. Distressed to the point of snapping and attacking a family member who can't even lift their own head, WHILE crying the whole time (the anime portrayal made my stomach turn bc the screaming and crying was so well done).

The basis of it all is this: Enji developed an actual father-son bond with Touya. During that time Rei obviously did not foster her own relationship with Touya, evidenced by everything we've seen and how unwilling Touya is to listen to what Rei has to say, or go to her for comfort like literally all three of the other kids did. Shouto never had Enji the dad, he just had Endeavor the abusive powerhouse hero who put a roof over his head. That's all he had. The two siblings just had very very different circumstances with their father. If you look at their past and remove what you already know Enji is going to do to Shouto and Rei in the future from the equation for that time period, you can see exactly why Touya is so hung up on his dad and why it makes sense for the way to stop him from killing himself is to show him his family loves him.

Rei also became very fixated on Shouto after he was born and you can only imagine how that looked to all three of the other siblings, even if Touya wasn't too fond of Rei's attention at the time anyway. (If you want to take light novels as canon, Natsuo speaks about how he grew to resent Shouto because he pretty much lost all of his mom's attention after Shouto was born, just to pile it on a little more as to how much that household sucked).

It does speak volumes on the energy put in that house. It really sucks.

[shinjiist]

I love when I see soul eater AUs so much ahhhh the fact it’s not more common as an AU type is so baffling to me like soul resonance??? The bond between weapon and Miester? AHHH the dynamics! The way expectations can be subverted so perfectly- I love it

Do you have more Trigun soul eater AU ideas for like weapon and Miester pairs?

omg no bc literally like theres so much potential in sm areas w an au like this i couldn't help myself

right now I'm still straightening ideas out in my brain and I don't want things to get Too convoluted but I have a few ideas I can share rn

to answer ur question before i go on a tangent, obv vashwood are paired together though not at first (possibly considering at first vash is paired with livio ?). i think i want vash to be a meister because this presents a few opportunities for parallels between canon and the au w/ there being at least one incident beyond his control but because he's the meister he feels he holds some level of responsibility

maybe while he and livio are acquiring their witch soul something happens (maybe w/ livio's eye i truly have no idea) but they do manage to get it and vash is paired w/ wolfwood afterwards (kinda want him to be in the NOT class when he 1st enrolls if not for grades for the idea of making space so livio could get in idk how the system works ngl)(or mayb he and livio don't get it and livio decides not to be in the EAT class idk i'm not killing him off though idc idc)

other pairings i'm really not as sure about (i'm not well versed in trigunism it's just my current hyfix and i'm literally going to start trimax after this bc i oeuwgwh anyway) like i think meryl and milly would be really good w/ my limited understanding of milly's personality. i also don't want to overload this w dead-ended info and sound like that one twitter post (why's hoseok the bus driver....) but um alberto is a teacher at the DWMA during like the 2nd of 3rd yr of Vash + Nai's enrollment (i have a timeline for the lore bc they're like grown by the time canon rolls around . sorry to infodump over a single question genuinely but i can't talk abt this on twitter bc it's SCARY over there .. i'm catfishing as someone cool -guy who's failing)

also because i think vash wielding the punisher is cool as fuck cough (feat. wip i will never finish bc idfk how to draw him)

anyway though, vash as a meister also appeals to me because with nai as a weapon it quickly raises the question— why wouldn't they have just been paired together to begin with? i think that nai doesn't even test into the EAT class when they're first enrolled. maybe it's a fluke where he just needs a single point, maybe he completely bombs it, maybe it's just nerves, either way he doesn't get in and this is where he and vash find out they are not compatible as weapon and meister as much as they care about eachother

i also think that this would seed some doubt in nai's mind about how he perceives others vs how he is perceived, esp w/ a certain INCIDENT before they're enrolled in the DWMA and ohhhh i have so much i could say abt this (i accidentally centered what i wrote abt this au so far Largely abt his POV because he's always running around my skull like a hamster to a wheel he's like almond butter to me . anyway)

a little bit late but i had to sit down and dedicate myself to this post bc it needed my utmost attention but more ppl should ask me questions abt this pretty please i love talking So Bad

[sexybabystevie]

Just saw your post about b/ler and their stans hating on everyone and I have to agree.

Like, I don't mind discussing little theories, but the way they go about things it's super annoying. Like the whole blue meets yellow in the west shit like that was a thing for scoops. idk why you make it about b/ler. Or saying Mike dressed up in yellow at the airport for Will when El's favorite color is also yellow. When they complain about other characters having screentime, I have to laugh because they manage to make anything about that ship anyway, so it shouldn't matter so much in the end. They act like this ship is the foundation of the show when Will is barely a real character because he doesn't even have a personality other than the gay kid who disappeared. And the fandom hardly develops his character because his relationship with Mike is the only thing they talk about. (And before ppl complain, other characters are underdeveloped as well, but I don't put them on a pedestal and call them the main character of the show like they do with Will)

Their treatment of El in all of this is the most upsetting part. Similar to Steve, she isn't allowed to be hurt or upset if others do something (aka r/nance, b/ler). Like they should all be super supportive allys, and if they are upset, they are deemed as homophobic or terrible friends.

I think the saddest part what i've read about b/ler was people insisting that Mike never loved El and had always feelings for Will, which is so cruel? In general, making m/leven important to Mike is not a thing in the b/ler fandom because they don't want Mike to be bi, which idk what the problem is with that. I just think they are scared that Mike is still interested in girls is threatening their ship or whatever.

Anyway, what I also hate when discussing b/ler is that they simply make El a lesbian in order so she doesn't feel bad instead of letting her deal with complicated feelings. Like in s4, Mike's inability to say he loves her clearly upsets El, meaning she does have feelings for Mike that are beyond a friendship level. It's also weird that they take away El's agency and reduce her to this abused child who doesn't know about anything so she shouldn't be in a relationship because she can't know what love is. (Ignoring s2 and her learning throughout the tv about the world and feelings and making her own decision regarding that part.) If we go that route non of the kids should know about love bc they are all traumatised and fucking 14 lol. And then they break up lumax so Max and El are together and everyone is happy? (Forgetting about Lucas) Also, idk crossdating within a friend group is so messy, but people just take the complicated parts out.

Also, what I found not discussed enough is the Will and El relationship. Like yes, Will likes Mike, but El is his sister. He also loves her. And tbh I think he would have reservations about dating his sisters ex-boyfriend because he cares about her. Maybe El gives them their blessing, but Will would know that she's hurting, so he might not follow through because he values the sibling bond with El more.

In general, I hate when there are ships that have to be so clean and liked by every character that is around. They don't exist in a vaccum, other people esp those who have close relationships with the people in those ships (ex-partners, best friends, siblings etc) might have negative reactions to it which is fine. That doesn’t mean they are homophobic it means they feel betrayed by a friend or sibling who dates their ex they loved for a very long time.

I like the theory of b/ler, but people take out the complexities that come with the ship. And then when you point them out, you're the worst person on earth, and your fave deserves to die. (esp Steve)

(Sorry, this is long. You don't have to answer. I just needed to vent a bit)

oh my gosh, no worries at all about this being on the longer side of asks! i don't mind at all and actually really like talking about this stuff and you brought up so many good points! since this is longer, though, i'm gonna put my thoughts under the cut <3

firstly, the theories CAN be fun. emphasis on can because they aren't anymore. b/lers make it clear that you pretty much have to agree with every single point they make, treating every single detail as canon rather than a theory, and it's exhausting. some of the ones i read a while back were genuinely interesting and fun! but when you take away the actual idea of it being a theory and just insist upon it being the truth, then going as far to call other people who don't agree/who are skeptical stupid or homophobic or some other name they come up with, then it makes people not want to interact with you.

i'm gonna be really honest here and say that i think all this stuff about blue and yellow is really ridiculous. i mean, they're quite literally colors. not saying there's no literary meaning to colors, but implying that every time we see blue and yellow in the show is some secret b/ler symbolism is just... so bizarre. (again, this could have been a fun little thing, but they take everything SO seriously and are such negative people that any amount of enjoyment is immediately stripped away just because you can't even have a civil disagreement with them without getting accused of being homophobic or without getting loads of anon hate.)

you said "When they complain about other characters having screentime, I have to laugh because they manage to make anything about that ship anyway, so it shouldn't matter so much in the end." and THANK YOU for wording that so well. this is what i've been trying to say for a while now, but i couldn't word it correctly. b/lers go out and make every single hint of foreshadowing, every single character and their personalities or arcs all about mike and will (because they for some reason are convinced this show is just a massive great love story for the two of them, and to that i have to say that this show has an ensemble cast. the other characters will and SHOULD have their own personalities, arcs, etc, that do NOT tie into b/ler) so why should it be a problem that a character is gaining popularity? if everything really is about b/ler like they claim then it should be no big deal to assume that this completely unrelated character exists entirely for the sake of your ship, right? it's honestly ridiculous.

also, yeah, will is barely even a character. he barely has any screentime that's spent creating his character, despite the fact that i think he's an essential point to the show. he's more of a plotline than a person, and i think blaming anyone other than the duffers for that makes no sense. fictional characters don't write themselves??

as for treatment of el, i made a post forever ago the parallels between steve and el as characters, and i think that goes for here too. they're both essential characters at this point, they're heroes, but even still b/lers treat both of them terribly. with el, it's pushing her to the side, dehumanizing her in a very ableist way, etc, and with steve, its much the same. dehumanizing, pushing him to the side, not allowing either of these characters to have feelings about their best friends/close friends dating their exes, and its just not realistic and its also weird. to enjoy a ship is one thing, but to push it onto everyone else and actively hate on other people who don't like it (which, by the way, you literally do not have to have "valid reason" to dislike a ship. you can just not like/hate it and that should be fine!!!) is immature and exhausting.

interestingly enough, i think b/lers mainly view el and steve the same way - an "overrrated" character, probably some part of why they hate the "general audience"/"fanservice", and, interestingly, i think there's also this idea that they're both basic in some way. like, steve is the "basic" straight white guy (idk why there's anything wrong with that??) and el is either a misinformed, confused lesbian or a pathetic straight girl too and its... so exhausting as well because characters can be queer without having to be mike and will!!! (and in the view of el they can also be queer without breaking up other important ships just for the sake of b/ler??) the amount of times i see people say that people are homophobic for having steve or el as their favorites is just... why? like, going on some kind of homophobia-yelling witch hunt isn't going to make anyone like you or your ship that you're so heavily promoting.

and with mike, i've seen some people (the more tolerable ones, i think) say he's bi while others insist he has no attraction to girls whatsoever, and i don't know, i think people read into it too much just to go and discredit el's relationship with him. if they can go and say, "oh, their relationship wasn't important to mike OR el so now we win!!" then they can convince themselves that b/ler is endgame, everything is happy for them, there are no problems, etc, which, again, is unrealistic. breakups are messy even if both parties were not to feel romantically about the other, and especially when you're gonna go and date someone in your group again. like, i've personally seen situations like that entirely destroy friend groups, time and time again, but let's ignore that for the sake of b/ler!

(also side point that goes along with what you're saying - they're literally 14!! i think so many people forget that since the actors look older or whatever, but like... they're children.)

the will and el relationship is always ignored and never talked about because it doesn't fit in the b/ler agenda (unless they assume that el is a lesbian and therefore doesn't care about will going on to date mike). which honestly is a shame because i love their dynamic but i also would rather not hear thoughts about that from b/lers anyway, but regardless it's a major plothole in their plans that they all just totally ignore because the only solutions to it are severely out of character.

i honestly don't think there's anything wrong with shipping m/leven or b/ler, if you're not insane about it. the b/lers heavily despise people who ship mike and eleven and go on to call them homophobic (are we sensing a trend here?) or whatever else, and i honestly haven't seen enough m/leven shippers here to know what they're doing so i won't put words into their mouth or whatever. either way, there's this general distaste and shunning that happens of anyone who doesn't like b/ler or ships something else and i'm personally so tired of it. i don't ship either of these because i just don't care that much (and also these people ruined it for me) but shipping m/leven does not make you inherently homophobic, and shipping b/ler does not automatically make you annoying in the way that most of them are.

now that i've kinda covered your thoughts, i want to add a few more points of my own that i think of every time this situation arises.

one, i think a large chunk of the toxicity of the b/ler community comes down to the fact that they worship the ground the duffers walk on. and this is a general thing that a lot of people and some of the media do, where they dramatize how good the show is and hype it up to be some untouchable, perfect series, which is far from the truth. they're convinced the duffers are on their side (b/ler endgame) and thus can do no wrong. (also a very weird way to act when they go and hate every other character CREATED by the duffers - but oh no! they didn't do it because they wanted to or because they like other characters too, it's all because of the general audience and how they just fuck everything up!!).

which, this is just setting them all up for failure. no one is getting this perfect dream of an ending, and i think if anyone knows this, it's the steve fans. we are painfully aware of the fact that our fave will either die or will have some shitty ending that none of us want, and b/lers are on the other side of the spectrum where they think everything will end perfectly for them, and you're just setting yourself up for colossal disappointment. every little hidden clue or theory that you've come up with is not going to be true, every bit of "foreshadowing" isn't going to pan out, and that's just a fact. the duffers simply are not as good as these people want to think lol.

secondly, i think the treatment of el and steve is also very similar in the viewing of their love triangles. there's st/ncy vs j/ncy and m/leven vs b/ler, and in both of these situations, everything is always one person's fault when people don't get their way - el and steve. if j/ncy happens and steve's fine with it, then people have to talk about how shitty of a boyfriend he supposedly was. if j/ncy happens and steve's upset, then it's on him for, again, being shitty and "deserving" to be alone. if st/ncy happens then it's steve's fault for having feelings or being a popular character or some other bullshit that makes no sense. and in the case of el, will and mike, it's the same. b/ler happens and el's upset, it's her fault for caring about her boyfriend. b/ler happens and el isn't upset, it's her fault for NOT caring. m/leven happens, then el is primarily the problem because SHE loves mike and cares about mike and "only gets all these things because she is a popular character."

overall, it's just pointing fingers, making excuses, and acting like babies 24/7 until they cry enough to get their way, honestly.

[moon-meerkat]

also. if your friend is venting too much to the point it's upsetting you, you need to tell them! you don't have to be a cunt about it but for the love of god don't keep it in til it explodes. when i was 17-18 i would not stfu about this one guy i was feeling very intensely about. to him i was a friend he wanted to make out with. to me he was ??? like i was so absurdly confused about this all the time. and not only did we have different views and wants in regards to relationships, i'd never had a serious one and was questioning if i'm aroace (still haven't and still am) and had a super unrealistic view of relationships (bc of fiction and how i was raised and grew up). this started right before the pandemic so the whole thing being online made it impossible to know my full feelings on the situation. he'd recently told my bff that he didn't want a serious relationship at the moment, and to me then that was the only option i'd try. and every so often i'd hear of him flirting w other ppl. and he's friends with some of the boys who bullied me in middle school (i have c-ptsd). so i DECIDED i wasn't gonna date him and just waited for him to get tired of me. this went on for a year. then out of nowhere he showed up dating some girl, and didn't talk to me for the 2 weeks they dated. then he went to talk to me again and to me this confirmed i was a backup plan. then i ghosted him and moped about the situation for several months. (a year after getting over it i got sad about it again and met up w him and we made up but that's another story). throughout all of this, i talked to my bff about it all the time, partly bc he knew the guy, partly bc i wanted to tell him and needed to vent and thought we were bonding, partly bc i was confused, partly bc i was new to the emotional vulnerability of sharing, partly bc my thoughts and anxiety were too much for me and partly bc i got addicted to asking others how to respond to texts i got instead of just saying what i wanted. then i realised i was using up a fuckton of our time talking with stuff about this guy, and started asking my bff to please never hesitate to tell me his stuff, and hey you can talk to me about anything! please, i'm here for you! i didn't wanna just stop talking about this and i wanted to be a good friend and i wanted reciprocity. my bff recently fought with me and said that at that time, the thing that was bothering him WAS my excessive wondering and venting. he said that me overwhelming him was what he vented to to his mom, and that he just couldn't tell me this. the venting from the 2 years i wasted on that guy are his biggest grievance in our friendship. and i regret all of it, ofc. leaning on my bff so hard that i overwhelmed him for so long, it's a horrible thing to realise i did. i regret the situation itself too, obv, it would've been better to make a dumb mistake than stay in an ambiguous situation and worry about it so much i fucked it up way worse. but the damage i did to my bff... obv i wish i could take it all back, and even if he didn't tell me, to some degree i should've known. but because it went on for as long as it did, and went unaddressed for as long as it did, it caused a way bigger dent in our friendship than it would've for him to just tell me then. he kept this beneath the surface for so long while i thought it was fine, and it was so bad that when it added up with more recent stuff he just blew up on me with so much piled up. he never told me i was damaging our friendship and now i worry it's beyond repair.

TLDR: COMMUNICATE

also a lot of the other stuff he fought me over is regarding some stuff i do in my life that he doesn't understand, but instead of ASKING me why i do stuff he just made up his own theories and believed them. and i told him this and he said he couldn't ask bc i'd get defensive when like. no? just don't be a dick about it. ask bc you wanna know my answer, not bc you think you know the answer. and he did some fucked shit too, a lot of it BECAUSE of this lack of communication and understanding. anyway he doesn't recognize he fucked up too and didn't really acknowledge my apology and i can't have a calm conversation w him about it bc he will start to practically yell at me. and like ik i took a long ass time to see what i did wrong but like goddamn dude some of this is obvious.

“stop traumadumping to your friends tell this to your therapist” my god they paywalled human connection

[dopaminergicaddictions]

“I settled for Cecile”

I do not remember when I wrote that but being I truly care about Cecile and I want to explain myself I will answer this. I will make this clear, I did not see I got this message until today as I have been maining another blog on Tumblr my Nathank77.

so I do not remember what I wrote. I will start with that. I write so much on Tumblr, I couldn't find that post if I tried. However I am sure you have screenshots.

So when I initially met Cecile I was not attracted to her romantically. That changed drastically as I got to know her. The reason I was not attracted to Cecile romantically at first I believe was the age difference. She looked younger and I was more attracted to people in my age group. We had a like 4 year age difference, when I met her she was 19 and I was like 23. And I could still see the teenager in her.

As I got to know Cecile, I fell head over heels in love with her. Her personality was/is beautiful. She is also beautiful on the outside. As she aged before we dated and while we were dating she became even more beautiful to me. Now she is stunning.

I do tend to like older women or women that are in my age group. So that was what I meant by I "settled," in one regard. I want to state that I have psychosis and sometimes I just write and don't think about how I word things, I also assume no one reads my tumblr. Psychosis has severely fucked up my brain. It's not an excuse but it's a reason why I may have said what I said the way I said it.

I said I "settled" on Cecile for another reason as well and this was the most important, she was in love with someone else the entire time. It was more than just that she was younger than me. I did not know she was poly at the time and even still knowing that in a way I did settle as I am monogamous and she loved someone more than she loved me. She would have left me for that person in a flash if it had been an option.

I understand that soulmates are a thing and that she loved me as much as she could have. I don't regret dating her but in only one regard I did settle- before we started dating she said, " I will always love nameless, she will always be my first choice." when she said that I should have prob kept it as friendship. As it was hard for me to accept there was a living breathing human on this earth that the girl I was in love with would leave me on the drop of a hat for.

Either way I did not settle on Cecile truly. Cecile was the only person I dated who loved me the way I needed to be loved even though she was in love with someone else. Beyond that out of all of my exes, we shared the most significant bond. She is the only person I feel I bonded with in like over 15 years to be honest. Our relationship was bad, but we did share a deep bond. The way I hurt her still haunts me.

I am happy that I had that relationship with her although I wish it ended differently, mostly I wish it ended in Manchester or even sooner as I traumatized her bc I was not emotionally okay at the time and unfortunately I said really mean things and it was a verbally abusive relationship on both ends.

I assign more blame to myself and she knows that, she understands why, its rightfully so. But to really answer you it wasn't about looks. I think Cecile is gorgeous. It was about her being in love with someone else while she dated me, when she was the only person I loved when I dated her.

In that one regard I did settle cause as a monogamous person I am only capable of being in love with one person. And I deserved to be the only person she was in love with. However I didn't deserve Cecile and that's the truth bc she was too good for me.

she was young and had a soulmate and I was older and mentally tortured and I took it out on her despite not wanting to hurt her.

[thesunshinebehindyourdestruction]

It’s really great that you’re rediscovering your love for stories. If you don’t have passion for anything in life beyond other people, then the time you spend on your own becomes agonizing, and you’ll also end up clinging and grabbing too hard onto your existing relationships with other people, which unfortunately just drives people away.

Having interests outside of just spending time with people also increases the amount of quality time you can spend with others. It doesn’t have to be a super “deep” or “rare” hobby like you see on dating apps. For example if you like engaging with fiction, you can share that with people by watching movies or tv shows or musicals together and then talking about them. If you like walking around and seeing new places you can go on walks together with your friends or go on road trips. If you like going to the gym you can work out together. And if you like spending time with your friends and family, figure out the sorts of things you enjoy doing together. With all these things, ask yourself “how can I enjoy this on my own and with other people?” and you’ll be able to find happiness and meaning in your life both with and without others. Being able to be happy on your own makes it more likely that you can be happy with and bring happiness to others.

Identity stuff like queerness or Judaism is also a great way to get to know people, but you have to do things beyond that first step too in order to create long lasting bonds with others. Once again this can become a hobby, like how people study queer theory and religious studies. But it might be boring in conversation unless you delve deeply, especially since the person you share a characteristic with is more likely to “already know” about a lot of the same stuff.

Anyway, it’s great you are discovering/rediscovering things you enjoy like musicals and reading and spending quality time with loved ones. After an emotional upheaval like a breakup it’s hard to find joy in anything.

I just don’t understand why loving another person “too much” drives them away. I would personally love to experience the love of someone who can’t get enough of me, ya’know? I just feel all of my emotions very intensely, and that includes my love for others, and I just don’t understand how being loved “too much” is a bad thing. How can being loved be bad?

I already share my favorite tv shows/movies/musicals with the people I love, but it feels like that just isn’t enough. I enjoy nature walks and hikes, but some of my loved ones don’t want to do that with me, and those that do only do so rarely. And some things I can enjoy on my own, like watching tv and stuff, but other things my anxiety won’t let me do without another person, like pretty much anything that involves leaving the house. I don’t know, I don’t really have much of anything that like, sparks joy in me on my own, but I’m not dissatisfied with what I can do on my own if that makes sense? Like, yeah sometimes I get bored on a Saturday if I’ve done all my chores and am tired of watching tv, but that doesn’t happen too often, normally I’m pretty satisfied with just watching tv or scrolling through my phone. I don’t feel like I’m lacking because I don’t have hobbies, I honestly just feel like I’m being pressured to pick up a hobby by others bc they expect me to have a hobby.

I feel like I’ve studied a fair bit of like, queer and Jewish areas of study. When I was VP of the LGBT+ Club in community college I did a lot of teaching other people in the club about different sexualities and gender identities. I’ve also studied some Kabbalah and can discuss some pretty interesting points about Judaism bc of that.

I don’t know. I’m trying my best to find joy on my own, but the main reason I don’t have any hobbies is because there really are no activities that spark joy in me, at least not when I do them alone. But I feel satisfied enough not having any hobbies, the only reason I’m trying to pick up a hobby is because of societal pressure. Just watching tv and scrolling through my phone is enough to satisfy me, so why is that not enough for others to accept?

[constantvariations]

#also a lot of feelings abt hela bc HOT DAMN IS THAT A CAN OF WORMS <--- okay but what are your thoughts on hela??? i think she has a lot of unused potential and would love to know your opinions!

Wasted potential is definitely the main consensus. In Gagnarok she was a one dimensional Big Bad whose only traits seem to be snarky and violent, which wouldn't be terrible for a standalone popcorn comedy, but is incredibly stupid and out of place within the emotionally nuanced Thor franchise

It's such a disappointment we never got to see anything beyond her capacity to do harm. Why doesn't she give half a damn about her siblings? Why's she so helbent on conquering the universe? Where has she even BEEN these past 1000+ years???

Answering that last question can spin her entire character in wildly different directions. If Odin trapped her in a pocket dimension where she basically slept until her release, then her canon attitude makes some sense. If she's been in Hel the entire time, either chilling with the dead or ruling the realm like in mythos proper, then why isn't she giving more of a fuck about Thanos trying to slaughter half the universe (be it because his idiotic plan is going to overflow her realm or perhaps a grimdark take would have her joining him for the lolz)? If she's been in a dimensional cage with one way glass so she can see life continue without her, why isn't she more interested in being around people, specifically her brothers, ESPECIALLY the stolen war child who was also abused and tossed out by the absolute eggplant that is Odin?

And another thing: why is her aesthetic literally Loki without any gold? Shouldn't that visual parallel have, yknow, meant something??? At this point I'm just mad that Cate Blanchett wasn't cast as Lady Loki because that would've honestly been perfect and she would've pulled it off SO GOOD

To me, the most heinous crime is pardoning Odin's bullshit simply because Hela was "worse" and "went too far." Like, babe, she learned it from somewhere and I highly doubt it was Frigga (if Frigga even is her mother). It's like giving Stalin a pass because Hitler had a higher body count; it's stupid as fuck and they both deserve to be held accountable for their actions

All in all, Hela in Gagnarok is a fun yet disappointing mess. I think it's a shame we never get to see any side of her that isn't overcompetent warmonger. She should've been able to bond with her brothers, especially Loki, as she pulled the wool from Thor’s eyes completely in regards to their father, helping complete his arc of finding his own path rather than blindly following Odin's example. She would've been an excellent way to explore Asgard, both its militant culture and how its influence molded the realms to Bor and Odin's wills. She should've been allowed to grieve and heal and grow past Odin's treatment and expectations of her to find a place with the family she was denied

Hela could've been so many things, but instead all we'll ever get is a bad joke

[neteluvr-library]

i was actually half way done with this chapter before realizing i was on chapter 4 and not 3 so that explains why i was confused bc i was like where tf did the birthday scene go?

“Who is going to stop you?” you laugh, and the sounds reverberates through his body and settles deep in his soul. He’s heard this sounds countless times in the 14 years he’s known you. It never ceased to amaze him. 

If anyone thought this about my laugh i would have to marry them on the spot *dreamy sigh*

...feels a pang of hurt as he considers the fact you didn’t think of him when reading a book so close to your heart.

He's such a sensitive baby ):

“Ah, there is it.” You cleared your throat, then continued. “He is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

I LOVE THIS QUOTE SO MUCH. it's so lovely and warm. this quote plus the quote from cruel summer where vol says she doesn't know where she ends and neteyam starts are my absolute favorite. ITS SO ROMANTIC AND DREAMY AND I CANT COPE WITH HOW MUCH IT MAKES ME FEEL MUSHY ): to be so in love and love someone that you think you are the same ): I WANT THAT SO BAD IN MY LIFE...you have raised my standards for love. also i need to add pride and prejudice to my reading list but i am determined to finish emma first

“Pandora’s box.”, you thought to yourself, with a bitter chuckle.

Wow i too have a pandora's box full of memories and things i want to forget and avoid...except its in my brain

“Yeah, me and Max worried about that, but, Ace… you have weathered every storm life’s thrown at you like a champ and I think beyond this great unknown lays a future so bright it will be able to make this planet shift on its axis.”

I meant great for Atan...but Norm doesn't realize just because Atan has weathered many storms...does not mean she wants to weather another one 😭

You started poking your body in different spots and let out a small laugh at the feeling: it felt like touching soft metal.

I've always thought that the Na'vi have leathery like skin ? AM I THE ONLY ONE ??

You left the room smiling. You will make him eat his words, and you will enjoy every minute of it.

VERY VI CODED OF ATAN TO THINK THIS

“Damn, you’re hot this way, too. This is unfair, you know? But also somehow makes me feel better that it turns out I’m not into a different species altogether, just one girl.” 

I KNOW YOU HAVENT SEEN THE SUMMER I TURNED PRETTY BUT IF YOU EVER WATCH IT, LOAK IS SO JEREMIAH!!!! (if you reblog this and if any of your followers see this...please tell me im right.) AND NETEYAM IS CONRAD OHFUIEHFRFVJNVEN. and if you ever watch it andra, tell me im right too

Her stripes were somehow more accentuated than normal, and they reminded him of his own.

they are always connected somehow ): even in her avatar body, atan was meant to match neteyam. THEY ARE MADE OF THE SAME SOUL

“I don’t know you, Neteyam.”

YEAH BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK IS THE NETEYAM IN FRONT OF ATAN ACTING LIKE HE DOESNT LOVE HER WITH EVERY FIBER IN HIS BEING????

Your emotions impact her, your thoughts impact her, so you have to calm your mind.Easier said than done in your case, I fear.” 

I'm a basket case half the time so i would not be able to bond with any of pandora's animals lol

“Well, I want to be strong and capable so I can always protect you. I mean look at you, Tuk’s gonna be stronger than you soon.” 

NO HE DOESNT GET TO SAY THAT WHILE ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHAT....okay wait just realized this was a flashback MY BAD 😭 I SHOULD HAVE READ MORE CAREFULLY

Soon enough, you could taste the metal taste of blood that was lingering in the air and by the grace of whatever spirit was out there still looking after you, you felt yourself collapse in Neteyam’s arms. 

No because this was so sad ): atan just has straight trauma..but also this would a very traumatic thing to witness. like she already doesn't know her father and is iffy about him. but to see his bones abandoned in the forest like he didn't belong to anyone? ID BE SCARRED TOO...also this makes me very sad because its just *spoiler* another instance of where neteyam feels be only brings negativity to atan's life ):

OKAY ITS CURRENTLY....12:57. IM GONNA AIM TO FINISH CHAPTER 5 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE'RE GETTING CLOSER TO THE JUICY STUFF.

Illicit Affairs | Chapter IV: Evermore

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: You and Neteyam both have to navigate a lot of painful memories on your first day in a new body

Warnings: angst, mentions of death, descriptions of ptsd flashbacks, cursing

Word Count: 6,2k words

A/N: Chapter 4 is the longest chapter I have written so far. There's definitely some fluff in there and some light hearted, beautiful moments, but it's also the darkest chapter I have written so far. There's some heavy stuff in there, so please read with caution! I wanted my characters to be well rounded and for there to be a good reason for every action they take; why the reader is a recluse, why Neteyam behaves the way he does, and why he left. There's layers to their story that will be unveiled through memories from both the main characters, so I hope you stick around to see where I plan to take this story <3 I never expected people to like it so much, and I hope you guys like what I have planned!

"I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone Trying to find the one where I went wrong And I couldn't be sure, I had a feeling so peculiar That this pain would be for Evermore"

“Am I allowed to be here?” Neteyam says, carefully taking in the new environment that he’s never wondered through before. It was small and dark, his eyes needing a second to adjust to the contrast from the bright neon orbs that illuminated the hallways. His nose scrunched up, trying to assimilate the smell, and realised it just smells like you. 

“Who is going to stop you?” you laugh, and the sounds reverberates through his body and settles deep in his soul. He’s heard this sounds countless times in the 14 years he’s known you. It never ceased to amaze him. 

You take off your Converse shoes and throw them carelessly to the side, jump on the bed and reach for the light on the other side of it, sitting on the bedside table. The lamp turns on and Neteyam finds himself having to adjust to the brightness once more. He settles on the chair that was accompanying a small messy desk, filled with papers, books and electronic tablets that had something you called a graph on it. The words “cell viability” were written on top of it, but Neteyam didn’t know what that meant, so he turned his attention to the many, many books that were displayed on the shelves above the desk. 

He’s seen some of them before, some of them multiple times, as you did seem to have your favourites. He picked one up he recognised. It was called Pride and Prejudice and Neteyam assumed it was written by a person named Jane Austen. He knew you loved this book, but he’s never asked why.

“I love that one…” you started.

“I know” he says in Na’vi. “I just don’t know why.”

“I honestly couldn’t tell you. My mum read me paragraphs from it growing up, and it’s just a book that brings me comfort. I’ve read it so many times, I’ve memorised it, so it’s like a blanket. It makes me feel safe.”

“What is it about?” Neteyam probed further.

You thought about it for a second. 

“It’s a story about two people who come from different worlds, and their journey of understanding each other and overcoming their feelings of, you guessed it, pride and prejudice towards one another and towards each other’s world.”  

He sat with this new information for a while. “So like us?” 

“Mmm, I don’t think it’s like us at all. I think it’s more about my mum and dad, or at least I think my mum thought of her and dad when reading it.”

Your words upset him, he realises in slight surprise. He looks at your figure sprawled over the bed looking up at the ceiling above you in contemplation and feels a pang of hurt as he considers the fact you didn’t think of him when reading a book so close to your heart.

“I have a quote from another book that reminds me of you, though.” Almost as if you read his mind, you turned your head towards him with a smirk and raised an eyebrow.

He didn’t look at you, a small pout erupting from his lips without meaning to. You laugh at him and smile endearingly, softly shaking your head. 

You jump from the bed, slightly wincing when your left leg registers the action, and click your tongue at him so he can move from where he was sat. He obliged and found another spot on the bed, which was now emanating the warmth of your body, and he slowly touched the blanket as if trying to commit the feeling to memory. You climbed on the chair with another small wince and found a book on the uppermost shelf. You jumped from the chair straight on to the bed and fell next to him. 

Patting the spot next to you, you signalled for him to lie down. He did, although his legs were completely off the bed, the tiny contraption barely able to accommodate his torso. You let out a small laugh, but seemed happy to have him so close. 

You placed your head on his chest, and he prayed you couldn’t hear the way his heart felt like it was trying to escape his ribcage at your proximity and warmth. You opened the book and looked for the quote. 

“Ah, there is it.” You cleared your throat, then continued. “He is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” 

“Get the fuck out of my room, Neteyam.”

You had just finished washing the day off when you heard a small knock on the door. Still reeling from the fight, it was taking everything out of you to muster up the strength to open that door and deal with whatever was waiting on the other side. With a deep sigh, you did so anyway. It was surprising for you to find Jake peering at you from the other side of the open door, a curious look on his handsome face. 

“Hey kid. We’re going to get going now. I just wanted to talk to you for a second before hand. Can I come in?” 

You hesitated for a second, then moved so he could enter. 

“So..” He started awkwardly. “I don’t really know how to do this.” You saw his left hand reaching behind his head and scratching his scalp with a small laugh. 

His eyes drop to a little package he was holding, wrapped in the same sort of cloth as the other gifts had been. He didn’t look at you as he spoke.

“Your mum gave me this, a couple of weeks before she passed. She asked me to hold on to it and give it to your on your 18th birthday.”

Your breath stopped in your lungs. He peered at you with a sad look and handed you the little box. A small video camera, like the ones used to record the Avatar program video logs was now resting peacefully in between your hands. 

“I hope whatever’s on there will give you some peace of mind, kid. I know life’s not been kind to you, but it’s time… time to move on, you know?” 

He got up from his spot on the bed and silently made his way out of the room. “See you tomorrow?” 

With your back to him, you gave him a nod, and with that, he was gone, closing the door behind him.

You stood like that, in the same position, with the camera in your hand for a long enough time that your left leg was starting to ache, an ache that eventually overtook the one in your soul and with that, you took the camera and the bracelet you removed from Neteyam’s hands and shoved them both in the bottom drawer of your desk. “Pandora’s box.”, you thought to yourself, with a bitter chuckle. 

You woke up with a groan, and the meanest headache known to man. Yesterday felt like you did in fact have the biggest party this world has ever seen, and the hangover to match. You scrambled out of bed, still in the dark, and searched on top of your desk for the little bottle of Ibuprofen you keep for days just like this. Today’s the day…

Norm enters your room quietly, and is surprised to see you up already. “So nervous you couldn’t sleep?” He says with a tentative smile.

“Something like that.” 

“Hey…you’re happy about this, right? Tell me we haven’t done this for almost a decade for no reason, cause you know, we can’t just give someone else the Avatar.” he says, with an uncomfortable chuckle. 

“I’m happy, Norm. It’s just a lot to take in, you know? A lot is going to have to change, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t tend to do well with change.” you response, laughing to yourself.

“Yeah, me and Max worried about that, but, Ace… you have weathered every storm life’s thrown at you like a champ and I think beyond this great unknown lays a future so bright it will be able to make this planet shift on its axis.” 

You throw your head back and laugh loudly, “Wow, that’s a lot of trust right there. I’ll try not to disappoint.” 

If only Norm knew… knew how you have not been able to brave any storm, and how the storms, in time, turned to tornadoes and then hurricanes and then bigger hurricanes and all you’ve done your whole life is just move further in to the middle of the shelter hoping that someday they’ll just go away by themselves and when they do, there’s still some walls, any walls, surrounding you. 

You put some of Grace’s old workout clothes on and made your way to the Avatar room and properly looked at it, probably for the first time in your life. You used to love coming here as a kid, looking at the scientists in their link pods, at your mum in hers, sitting in Max’s lap and watching the brain activity, bombarding him with questions with answers you couldn’t’ possibly comprehend yet. You’ve moved away from that fascination in time. Now here you stood, about to get your own linkpod and your own brain activity analysed. You peered in the room next to it, where on a big flat metal table lay a blue body, and you couldn’t help yourself from moving closer until your breath was so close to the window in was fogging up the glass. You placed a hand on the cold glass and stared at the new you, and a small smile appeared on your face. It was beautiful, more so than you ever thought your human form to be. Your heart picked up pace in your chest and you were shocked at the realisation that the nerves that you thought only reflected fear and anxiety, also reflected excitement. 

“It’s time.” Max said from somewhere behind you.

You turned and made your way with timid steps towards the linkpod. You climbed on it and the feeling of the green malleable foam woke up a memory inside you, that you fought to push back to where it came from. Now’s not the time. It was cold on your arms and thighs as you lay in it, but weirdly comfortable, like what you would imagine water mattresses you saw in old Hollywood movies to feel. 

Max placed a metal frame of sorts on top on your own and spoke slowly. “Okay, you know the drill, Ace. You have to relax and let your mind go blank. You will be disoriented when you wake up, so take your time in there and don’t rush. Please don’t do a Jake.” 

You chuckled at the story you’ve heard one too many times, but never seemed to get tired of it. 

“We will have to run tests to make sure everything is in order. This is new territory for all of us, and we don’t know how the Avatar will behave yet, so we will take our time and do it right.” 

“Aye aye, Captain.”

You did as you were told and found it hard to relax and let your mind go blank when it was running a million miles an hour with so many emotions, so many thoughts and worries. Still, with all your might, you sat there, and cleared your mind for a split second. It was enough. 

You woke up like from a dream, feeling groggy and tired. Your muscles hurt, a lot. You winced slightly at the gentle touch of a hand, which felt like that time you touched the inside of an electrical socket and got slightly electrocuted. You felt clothes clinging to your body and hated the way the synthetic fabric felt against your skin. You took your first breath and your nose crinkled in disgust at the overbearing smell of alcohol and chloride. 

“Ace? C’mon kid, there you go, you can do it.” 

You finally opened your eyes and groaned at the intense light on the ceiling. Your eyes took a while to focus, but when they did, you saw Norm staring back at you with a smile.

“Hi.” you said, with a deep frown and groggy voice. This was overwhelming. 

“Hi back! Take it easy, alright? Me and Claire will runs some tests to make sure everything’s a-okay. It will take about an hour, I know this whole experience can be a bit strange in the beginning, so hopefully this will ease you into it.”

Norm was a man of his word, and after about an hour of wiggling every part of your body, touching your fingers to your nose, remembering names of objects and repeating it to them, among other things, you were ready to go. You realise to your surprise that you’re excited about going outside. You couldn’t stand the sensation overload that came with being in this lab, in this body. You stood up gently and removed the chords that were still attached to you. You turned around to look at the glass that was reflecting your new figure back at you, and found yourself at a loss for words for the millionth time in 24 hours. It was such a strange feeling, and you knew it would take you a while to get used to looking in the mirror and be met with this. You smiled and waved, knowing Max would be watching you from behind the glass, even though you couldn’t see it. 

Norm handed you a bag, and you peered inside to find a beige loincloth and the top Neytiri gifted you yesterday. “Go change, I think you’ll feel better in these.” 

You did as you were told. Removing the white hospital garb you had on, you looked at yourself fore the first time, properly looked. You were tall. Very tall. And skinny, very skinny. Lean was probably a better word for it, as you couldn’t see an ounce of fat anywhere on your body. You started poking your body in different spots and let out a small laugh at the feeling: it felt like touching soft metal. You were strong. The thought made you happy. You looked again in the mirror at your face. Big yellow eyes looked at you curiously. They traced your nose, and your plump lips and your white freckles, beautiful like the night sky. Your eyes settled on your hair, long and soft and dark and your arm reached behind you to bring your braid into focus. You lifted it and looked in awe at the queue and the way the tendrils were moving on their own accord. Adrenaline was coursing through your veins like water breaking apart mountains to make a canyon of your mind. 

Neteyam’s words suddenly broke through.  “You’re not going to make it.” 

Adrenaline turned into rage and you hated it, hated the boy in that moment. Hated the effect his words had on you, even after so much time. You dressed slowly and tried to make sense of the “top” Neytiri gave you. Once you put it on, you looked back in the mirror and loved the way it looked on you. You also had a newfound appreciation for the soft feel of the feathers and the beads, and took note of the contrast between it and the unnatural feeling hospital gown you were in a few minutes ago. If it wasn’t for your eyebrows and your five fingers and your soft, straight hair, you wondered if anyone could be fooled into thinking you are, in fact, Na’vi. 

“You know nothing about the real world.” 

Dropping the clothes in the bag provided, you took one last look at yourself and saw something in your eyes that wasn’t there before. Determination. The sick, stubborn determination that has always made you push out all reason as soon as someone tells you you can’t do something. 

“Tell Norm no.”

You left the room smiling. You will make him eat his words, and you will enjoy every minute of it.

You reached for the mask packs by the entrance and dropped your hand. You will never have to wear that damn mask again, you thought with satisfaction. As you stood outside, it felt again like emerging in your avatar body for the first time. So many sounds, colours, sensations flooded your being and you couldn’t even register the voice yelling your name until the person that spoke it took you by the shoulders. You hissed at the sudden contact and it shocked you. Where did that come from? 

“Angel, you there?” 

“Give her a second, Lo’ak. This is bound to overwhelm her and you yelling at her isn’t going to speed up the process.”

“I can’t believe she just hissed at me.” 

The world slowly seemed to settle around you, and you focused you sight on the boy in front of you… the boy who was now your height.

“Lo’ak?” 

“Hey, you.” The younger Sully boy gave you a big smile and eyed you intently up and down a few times. “Damn, you’re hot this way, too. This is unfair, you know? But also somehow makes me feel better that it turns out I’m not into a different species altogether, just one girl.” 

You laughed, really laughed. Lo’ak was a charmer, another one of the many many traits he inherited from his dad. 

“You’re shorter than I thought you’d be.” 

“Ouch.” You knew he wasn’t really offended, so you blew a kiss towards him and shifted your attention to the world, that you realise you have never seen before. Not properly. Its beauty left you speechless. You don’t know how you were supposed to function when all you wanted to do is just walk around, smelling the flowers. 

“We have to get going, you’re going to start your training today, and your new boss is not going to be happy if you’re late.”

“My new boss?”

“Yep. Neteyam has been given the tough job of taking your lab ass and turning it into a Na’vi warrior. I have to say, I don’t envy him,  and I definitely don’t envy you.” 

“Lo’ak, shut up.” 

Well, this is going to be fun… You had a hunch Neteyam would have to train you, as Lo’ak is too young and restless and cares about the rules too little, or not at all, to do it, but hearing it as a fact made you shudder. You haven’t spent a whole day with Neteyam in years, and you didn’t particularly care for this new-and-improved version of himself. You wondered silently how this was going to go. If the last two interactions are anything to go by, you were not in for a happy time.  

“Lo’ak should be here any second. I want you to start training her right away. Maybe start with the Pa’li first, and do bow training when that gets too much. You won’t really have to teach her the language, but try to make sure you talk in Na’vi more than in English, and this way you’ll see if there are any gaps in her knowledge and address them. Neteyam, are you listening?” 

The oldest Sully sibling was only half paying attention to what his dad was telling him. In truth, he was scared half to death. He didn’t want to do any of this. This is not how any of this was supposed to go. He couldn’t be around you. He didn’t want to be around you and he most definitely didn’t want to have to teach you the ways of the Na’vi and have to put his own training and responsibilities aside for this. He has already had to teach Lo’ak whenever his parents had better things to do and he was getting so fucking tired of being used as soon as it was convenient for other people. 

He pushed the bitter feelings aside. His parents relied on him for a reason, he tried to remember. They relied on him because they trusted him, and because he fought hard to be worthy of that trust. He had no right to complain, not when he knew how much worse it could be… for better or for worse, at least he had parents to rely on him. The thought made him sad, and he felt guilt at the words he spat at you yesterday. He knew they were for the greater good, but he also knew they crossed a line, a line that he might not be able to cross back from. 

He didn’t have time to think about the consequences of his actions, as he heard a yell that pulled him out of his thoughts and he knew it was time to come face to face with his worst nightmare. 

“We’re here!”, screamed Lo’ak, and Neteyam suppressed the urge to roll his eyes at his immature younger brother. 

He made his way outside of the tent, picking up his knife and placing it on the sheath resting beneath his chest. He took a deep breath, one that got lodged in his throat.

Next to Lo’ak was a girl. The most beautiful girl he has ever laid his eyes on. Her stripes were somehow more accentuated than normal, and they reminded him of his own. It was something he was insecure about growing up, the deep contrast something his friends and even family teased him about relentlessly, but now, looking at it on her, he realised they were blind - he was blind - to have ever hated them. Her eyes were now yellow, a big departure from her human eyes, and although it was strange, just like the rest of her, they still felt familiar to him. Like no matter what body she inhabited, her soul would always shine through, always calling out to him like a moth to a flame. He knew then he’d always feel like this about her, for the rest of his life, no matter what she looked like. Fuck.

“Look at you, kid! You look like you belong already!” 

Jake’s voice cut through the tension that you felt sitting here, being eyed at like you were a new cub at the zoo. The stares made you so uncomfortable you felt like you were going to explode, and could not wait until this was no longer a novelty to anyone, including yourself. 

“Thank you, Jake. For everything. I cannot express how grateful I am that you and Neytiri, and the tribe, are so willing to accept me in the village.” 

“No problem, kid. Anyway, we will have plenty of time to discuss everything tonight at dinner, but for now I think you and Neteyam should head off. There’s a lot to learn.”

“Right.” You turned around and gave a half-smile to Lo’ak, who looked at you like you were a deer in headlights. Maybe you did look how you felt. 

You bid a small goodbye to everyone and suddenly found yourself face to face with the only person you didn’t want to see. 

He started walking without saying a word, and you followed him. You refused to say anything to him, there was nothing to say to him after yesterday. Before yesterday, you might have demanded an explanation, you might have demanded he told you what happened to him in the year he abandoned you, what lead to him leaving without a single word, how dare he forget about what he meant to you and what you knew you meant to him, how could he just forsake you like you were nothing; you would have screamed at him and told him you hated him without meaning it and hoped he would just hug you and told you he’s sorry, that he was stupid and that he’ll never leave you again. None of that came out. You were past that. He crossed a line and you knew it in your mind that no explanation would be enough, no excuse would justify his behaviour enough to satisfy you and make you forget. Not anymore. 

His back was to you as he was leading you away from the Sully tent, and for the first time in your life, you saw him for what he was. A leader, a warrior. He was lean and muscular, and his physique reminded you a lot more of Jake than a Na’vi man’s. His shoulders were broader and his arms were bigger, leading to a more accentuated contrast between them and his waist, and you hated yourself for how it made you feel, how your mouth filled with saliva you had to force yourself to swallow and how your pulse increased so rapidly it almost made you dizzy. He was taller than you, taller than Lo’ak and you knew that even in this body, he would still tower over you. You definitely hated how that made you feel. 

He stopped at the entrance to a tent. He opened the flap of the entrance and motioned for you to enter. You obliged without a word. He followed you in and closed the flap behind him. You didn’t like being in such close proximity, but you knew you’d have to get used to it, so you let it go.

“This is now your tent. Mum and Dad thought you would feel more comfortable with your own space. They also thought you’d like my old training bow. There’s a pouch for your knife that you can put around your torso and I have the knife, but I won’t give it to you until I make sure you won’t kill me with it.” 

As far as an attempt to diffuse an awkward situation goes, this wasn’t half bad. Still, not nearly good enough to matter. He sighed at the lack of response.

“Right. I think we have to get a few things straight.”

Your eyebrow raised, but you let him go on.

“I know you’re mad. I know you’re so mad you’re probably thinking of ways of sticking needles in my eyes. But I don’t care. I was given a responsibility to take care of you and to teach you. I know you think you know everything, but you don’t. I know you think you know this world, but you don’t. Not in the way you need to, to survive. There’s a reason no scientist living on Pandora has ever become one of the people. You can’t see. As my grandma always says, “you cannot fill a cup which is already full”. I know you. Your cup is overflowing. From now on, you do what I say. Pretend you don’t know me, pretend we’re not you and me.” 

“I don’t know you, Neteyam.”

He winced inside at the words. “That’s enough!” He said, forcefully. 

“You answer to me from now on and I want to make sure you understand that. Dad will skin me alive if anything happens to you. You will listen and you will do as I say. Whatever issues you have, you’re going to have to deal with them in your own time.” 

Another blow below the belt, you thought, and reminded yourself that you were here for a reason, you were here to make him eat his words, and if he wanted to play his game this way, you were more than happy to beat him at it. 

“Yes, Sir.” 

You made your way out of the village and walked in silence through the woods. You were looking at the bow in your hand, and carefully traced every mark and scratch on its surface. You couldn’t help wonder about what events in Neteyam’s life lead to each and every one of them, and vowed to yourself that you would take care of this bow with your life, if not for anything else, for the still untarnished memory of that little boy you once loved so much. Once you reached a large clearing, with beautiful lush greenery and a majestic waterfall, you thought this was definitely a much better view for training than the reagent-filled benches of the lab. You saw about half a dozen Pa’li peacefully feeding off the sweet nectar of flowers in the distance, and smiled gently at the sight. You will never get used to it, you knew. 

“First step to being a Na’vi, learning to form Tsaheylu and learning to ride the Pa’li.” Neteyam spoke in Na’vi over the soothing sounds of the forest.

“OK.” You answered shortly.

“In Na’vi. We speak Na’vi from now on.”

“Kurkung (asshole).” Neteyam shoots you a dirty look and you can’t help but smirk. “What? That’s Na’vi. Perfect pronunciation, by the way.” 

His mouth tightened in a straight line and he left you, busying himself with a Pa’li he called over. He caressed it gently and held his hand next to his eye, whispering. 

“Tam tam, Tirea, tam tam.” 

“Get on.” He spoke to you still looking at the Pa’li. 

Even in this body, the direhorse was significantly taller than you, and you shot Neteyam an incredulous look. Regardless, you made your way to the animal and with all of your might, willed yourself to get on top of it. It took a couple of tries, but you eventually succeeded. You were stronger than you realised, and you were excited to discover exactly how strong you could become in time. 

Neteyam gently took the neural whip of the direhorse and guided it to you. You took it in your right hand and stared at it in amazement. You have heard so much about this, you have seen it firsthand with Neteyam’s Ikran, but to know you will now have to make your own Tsaheylu, experience this deep bond you knew everything and yet nothing about, it was terrifying. You left hand went behind your head and brought forward your own queue. This was it. Slowly, you brought the two together, and held tightly on to the Pa’li as the new sensation overwhelmed all of your senses. It felt like all of your neurons were firing at the same time. It felt like you were being electrocuted. As the feeling subsided, you felt a breath that was moving at the same time as your own, you felt a second heartbeat that was going much faster than yours possibly could, and you tried to calm yourself down as you knew the nervousness the animal felt was mirroring your own. Neteyam allowed you a second to experience this for yourself with no interruption, and you appreciated that. He trusted you enough to give you some space, and with everything, at least this hasn’t changed.

“This is Tsaheylu. The bond. Take some time to feel her, feel her heartbeat, her breath. Feel her strong legs. You can tell her what to do, inside your mind. Remember that as you can feel her, she can feel you, too. Your emotions impact her, your thoughts impact her, so you have to calm your mind.Easier said than done in your case, I fear.” 

You felt your anger pick up and the Pa’li let out a scream and rose on its hind legs, throwing you straight in the dirt. Neteyam laughed, but came to help you get up. As you were removing mud from your face and hair and cursing all manners of profanities under you breath, you came to the bitter realisation this was going to be harder than you thought, especially with him as your teacher. 

He still knew you too well. You slapped his hand away and got up by yourself, indignantly. You jumped back on the Pa’li and tried your very, very best, to calm yourself before making the bond. The horse didn’t react as violently as last time, so you figured you were off to a better start. You calmed your mind as much as you could, like you did in the linkpod, and imagined her slowly moving forward. You smiled when she did just that, no words needed. It was hard to be able to maintain your composure when you were LITERALLY mind controlling another living being, but despite it needing active continuous effort, you felt you were doing a good job. You managed to make her go, sprint, gallop and turn, and despite the direhorse’s best efforts, you were somehow still tightly attached to its back. 

After a couple of hours, Neteyam told you to get off. He told you to follow him, and he took off, not sparing you a second glance. You followed him the best you could for a while, desperately trying to overlook how uncomfortable being barefoot made you feel. You didn’t like it at all, and more and more, you felt your heartbeat picking up in your chest and your knees shaking. You felt beads of sweat getting in your eyes and they stung, so you stopped. Your laboured breath became shallow, and your hands were shaking uncontrollably as you raised them to wipe your forehead. You felt your knees collapse under you, and you knew what was about to happen and that it was too late to stop it. 

“Neteyam, wait up.” You called after the blue boy, slight panic in your voice.

“I thought we were supposed to be racing.” 

“You win, alright? Don’t leave me alone in the woods.” 

You saw Neteyam jogging back to where you stood with a guilty look on his face. “You know I’d never leave you alone.”

He picked you up and placed you on his back. “After 16 years, have I ever left you alone?” 

“Well, you’ve been training a lot recently and I barely get to see you anymore, so I would say yes, you leave me alone plenty, more than I can say I care for.” 

“Well, I want to be strong and capable so I can always protect you. I mean look at you, Tuk’s gonna be stronger than you soon.” 

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” You pretended to ignore his first sentence and how it lit your entire body on fire. 

You walked like this for a while. You placed your head on his shoulder and peered up at the tall trees. Prolimuris were swinging on them, picking up fruits as they went along. You saw two infants following their mother and stopping on the same branch as her, where she passed them what you were sure was a tasty afternoon snack. You smiled contently at the scene, and at the feeling of warmth Neteyam provided. 

“Put me down, I want to walk! I came with you to exercise, not be carried like a tiny Pandoran baby.” 

He did as you asked, huffing at your forever mercurial temper. 

With your back still to him, you let out a laugh and started running. “Race you to the clearing in the distance?” 

He rolled his eyes, and with a laugh, stopped himself. He always gave you a head start. “Fine, but you can’t get mad when I beat you again!” 

You turned around to give him a smile as you were running and loved the feeling of the ground beneath your feet. The only place you could run around barefoot, the only time you still felt alive. 

You came to an abrupt halt when your foot touched something strange, something unnatural. You slowly looked at your feet and froze in place as the smooth pale object made your blood run cold. It couldn’t be. You stepped away from it, not leaving it from your view and slowly, deliberately knelt down next to it. You heard Neteyam coming to a halt behind you, but couldn’t bring yourself to acknowledge his presence. Your hands started digging in the ground with morbid curiosity and the sounds around you became muffled as your erratic heartbeat was the only thing you could still hear. You removed the ground around it and tears formed in your eyes at the realisation that this was indeed what you feared it was: a human skull. A human skull you just stepped on. Before you knew it, your hands were reaching for a glimmer of silver shining in the shallow grave. You lifted it to your eye line and heard yourself scream, wail louder than you ever had before. The panic that overtook you was primal, but not unfamiliar and you threw the dog tag on the ground, with enough force you hoped would bury it further than anybody would ever be able to dig. You couldn’t see properly anymore, the tears and dizziness flooding your senses and you prayed you passed out, prayed to make this stop, prayed you were back in your room where your Xanax always lay by your bedside table. In a blind rage, you were clawing at your feet, trying to remove the dirt, remove the skin that stepped on your dad’s dead body like it was a gum wrapper on the pavement. Soon enough, you could taste the metal taste of blood that was lingering in the air and by the grace of whatever spirit was out there still looking after you, you felt yourself collapse in Neteyam’s arms. 

Tag list: @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi