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mewmewchann · 2 years ago

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Sorry for the late submission, but the character theme song ask game: I have a whole list, but I’ll stick to the ones I really like that haven’t already been mentioned.

Last Stop by DoNotCrossP: I see this as a postgame Rantaro song as he leaves season 52 and heads towards season 53, knowing his memories are about to be wiped and he’s likely going to die in the next game.

Moonlight Densetsu: I definitely see this as a Kokoro song. Magical girls, romance, childhood nostalgia and shoujo manga/anime… if this isn’t Kokoro’s vibe wrapped up in a song I don’t know what is.

My Whole Family by Bo Burnham: Meme song for Haruto for… really obvious reasons.

Waiting in the Wings (Reprise): I THINK this was once mentioned as a baby Jasper song, but I personally associate it with Ayano more. Childhood neglect, yay!

LIAR DANCE by DECO*27: Saiko song. Admittedly mostly because of DFTH chapter 11. I kind of see it as Rantaro singing to Saiko, if that makes sense?

Hurricane from Hamilton: So a LONG while back you said Wait For It was a Saiko song, and after relistening to the Hamilton soundtrack I made the realization that Saiko is actually a Hamilton kinnie. …Seriously, think about it for a second and tell me I’m wrong. Anyways, I associate this song with the moment Saiko decides to kill Kaoru, since it’s sort of the same moment Hamilton decides to write the Reynolds Pamphlet: in an effort to secure their respective legacies, they cause their own falls from grace.

Magical Girl and Chocolate by PinocchioP: I know Kokoro had this assigned once, but I also associate it with Katsumi. I guess it’s because it kind of ties into her “atypical protagonist/I’m not your hero” thing? She’s not evil, but she’s no angel either, and she definitely prioritizes herself and Hide over everyone else (“I only want to protect the ones I love”).

Easy Easy Go by Pink Shark Music: Another Katsumi song, mostly based on vibes and the fact this song was originally made for a rhythm game (Superbeat XONiC).

Shoujo Rei by MikitoP: I know this is already on Hide’s playlist, but it takes two to Shoujo Rei IMO so if this isn’t also a Katsumi song I will riot.

Leave Them by LittleJayneyCakes: Hide song! I know I keep giving him really depressing songs (Montreal and God Must Hate Me), but in my defence he’s pretty depressed so it’s not like I’m WRONG.

Kira from Death Note The Musical: A Mastermind Rantaro song, because I really like your Rantaro and enjoy the thought of how thoroughly you’d have to break him to get Mastermind Rantaro. In my head, this is actually Monokuma singing about Rantaro right before V3 starts: he doesn’t really give a shit if Rantaro kills Tsumugi and replaces her as mastermind, he’s seen all this shit before, but he finds it entertaining nonetheless. Sort of like how people watch Hallmark romance movies even though they know exactly what’ll happen.

Finally, lightning rounds for Jasper and Naoki, because they both have several songs each and this ask is long enough already:

- Jasper: There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered […] by Panic! At The Disco because this is just Jasper’s bullshit in song form, Higanbana Milk Tea by Vane because “fuck my dead parents”, Villain by Stella Jung because vibes, and Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing by Set It Off because this is just Jasper’s bullshit in song form again (and I can kind of see Rantaro singing it about him, if that makes sense?). Yes, half of those are already Slade songs but considering how similar those two are I think some overlap is justified.

- Naoki: Permission to Dance by BTS because I was playing Cookie Run during the BTS collab and now the association is just stuck there, Kick Up Your Heels because vibes/it’s another song about dancing and they’re the Ultimate Dancer, and Tangled Up by Caro Emerald (Lokee Remix) because it is the catchiest dance song ever and I love it to death.

WHOA OKAY THIS IS A LOT AND I LOVE IT

sorry for the super late response O

*cracks knuckles* now prepare for a longass response

Last Stop for DFTH!Rantaro

how have I not heard this song until now it is so underrated and such a mood what

But yes. This is absolutely PERFECT for his postgame mentality. I won't spoil what happens in chapter 6, but you're basically dead on here.

Moonlight Densetsu for Kokoro

well she certainly does fit the magical girl vibe teehee

My Whole Family for Haruto (meme)

When I tell you I choked-

Waiting in the Wings (Reprise) for Ayano

hmm. It's an interesting pick. I personally don't see it because of the Jasper association I already have, but it's an interesting pick.

(the Jasper association is mainly because I have a whole animatic mapped out in my head of this song involving him and Atsuki that just fits too well and I hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

LIAR DANCE by DECO*27 for Saiko

oh this is an interesting one I personally associate it with Hotaru, but the parallels with Rantaro and Saiko's relationship are interesting ...And yes it was where I got the chapter name from I'M VOCALOID TRASH OK

Hurricane for Saiko

OOOOOOOOOOH THIS IS FUN I can see the parallels! The parallels are very juicy!

(also fun fact: Haruto did try to show Saiko the Hamilton soundtrack once and the moment it was over he said "...The songs were okay I guess but too many things were inaccurate")

Magical Girl and Chocolate for Katsumi

Hmm. I can see where you're coming from with this.

The main reasons I associate it with Kokoro is because of (at least how I read it) it being from the perspective of a jaded magical girl who used to see the hope of the world, before growing jaded and tired of it. And it just ties to Kokoro a lot to me because of that.

But the Katsumi read here is also very interesting ovo

Easy Easy Go for Katsumi

this song slaps what the fuck

Shoujo Rei for both Hide and Katsumi

Shoujo Rei fits Hope's Chains way too well.

...

And that's all I'm gonna say on that.

Leave Them for Hide

I'm crying now

Kira for MM!Rantaro

damn that's a name I haven't heard in a while

thinking of that whole thing is...Weird, given how long it's been and what I'm working on now, but it does fit.

Jasper lightning round

There's A Good Reason... - yes.

Higanbana Milk Tea - how have I not heard this song before this goes so hard

Villain - how do you have access to my "I need to animatic this" playlist

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing - ah yes the iconic AMV song. Lovely

Naoki lightning round

Permission to Dance - yes. Also I love this song so much it's such a banger

Kick up Your Heels - this is absolutely their vibe yes

Tangled Up - this is also absolutely their vibe yes

WHOO this was a big one. Thanks for the ask, this was a lot of fun to do!!!

#ask meme

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manicali · 2 months ago

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Alright, I keep seeing stuff like this and thinking ot aint that bad i rarely hear love songs and then I listen to another person’s playlist and go “Oh. Wow.” (Also why are they WEIRD love songs? Like what? “I aint gonna cheat on you” seems to be a recurring theme and it baffles me)

Anyway welcome to my list of songs that aren’t love songs. Warning most of these are in fact comedy songs because I like them.

1985 by Bo Burnham

The After by Daniel Thrasher

Aint no rest for the wicked by Cage the Elephant

Alastors Game by The living Tombstone

Aliens Aint Shit by Carter Vail

American Idiot by Green Day

Apple by Charlie xcx

Artificial by Daughtry

The Axemans Jazz by Reddie and Abel

Back in Black by AC/DC

Bad Child by Tones and I

Best Friend by Carter Vail (technically about love of the platonic variety)

Bug Dawgs by Hanumankind and kalami

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

Bone by Imagine Dragons

BOOM BOOM BOOM by Dan Bull

Bull is the Spider by Dan Bull

Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

Careful What You Wish For by Jack Harris

C’est la Vie by Weathers

Cherry Bomb by The Runaways

Chicken in Black by Johnny Cash

Cool kids by Echosmith

Courtesy Call by Thousand Foot Krutch

Devil Town by Cavetown

Cradles by Sub Urban

Cutthroat by Imagine Dragons

Dirt Man by Carter Vail

Disc Golf by Bug Hunter

Dopamine by Madiline (split brain version, i swear it’s like heaven)

The dope show by Marilynn Manson

The Dragonborn Comes by Vinny Marchi

Dull Knives by Imagine Dragons (WARNING! This song is very dark)

Eat your young by Hozier

Edge of a revolution by Nickleback (i love nickleback)

Enderman Rap by Dan Bull and Rockit music

Explode! by Mother Mother

Eyes Closed by Imagine Dragons

Get What you Give by Felix Cartal (original might be by david bowie but idk)

Gossip by Måneskin

✻h+3+яд✻7lucjlot6 by vyral

Half of my life by Elise Ecklund

Heathens by Twenty One Pilots

Hells Greatest Dad by Jermey Jordan and Amir Talai (thats right I am adding hazbin songs)

Help Let me Go by Danny Gonzalez

Highway to Hell by AC/DC

History Will Not Repeat by Jessie Page

Hotel California by Eagles

The house always wins (2023) by the stupendum

I don’t like myself by Imagine Dragons

I ghosted Kevin Johnas by Danny Gonzalez

Igowallah by Daniel Thrasher

Im gonna kill Santa Claus by Danny Gonzalez

Insane by Black gryp0n and baasik

It boy by bbno$

Ive got a bone by Dan Bull

Jericho by Iniko

Johnny Johnny by Danny Gonzalez

Leinads Waltz by Daniel Thrasher

Living in a Haze by Milky Chance

Manic Pixie Dream Boy by Lady Charles

Microwave by Ricky Jamaraz

The Monster by Eminem and Rhianna

My Dad is Rich by Danny Gonzalez

No roots by Alice Merton

Not Like Us by Kendrick Lamar

NPC by legrand

Numb little bug by Em Beihold

One more Pull by the chalkeaters, black gryp0n, rustage

Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus

Perception Check by Tom Cardy

Pop 101 by marianas trench

Psyco Killer (2005 remaster) by Talking Heads

Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People

Puttin on the ritz by Taco

Quiet Please by Dan Bull

Radioactive by Imagine Dragons

Radio Play by Silvia Hound

The real slime shady by Dan Bull

The Sad Sad Alpha Man by Vinny Marchi

Slime by Danny Gonzalez

So long Mom by Tom leher

The Spark by Kabin Crew

Spooky Man by Danny Gonzalez

To the bone JT music

Trash Friends by Carter Vail

Video Killed the radio star by The Bugles

Voices in my head by falling in reverse

Walking on the sun by Smash Mouth

Welcome to the Internet by Bo Burnham

Yes Im a mess by AJR (seriously ajr is great)

#manic loves music #let me know if any of these arenin fact wrong #Knickknacks for my shelves

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beatsboy · 4 months ago

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7.27.24 / day 34 of romanticizing my life until i love myself again

i saw the first “assembly” of my first music video today, not even a full cut but like holy shit seeing myself like that doesn’t even feel real the creature i inhabited during those three days fully being boypop for the first time feels like an ancient spirit or something that can only be fully awakened under the right conditions, on the full moon, in the dirt, etc

the second single is almost done, in total i spent about 5 hours on “boypop” today mostly poring over vocal tracks, editing out every sibilant, breath, harsh sound, clip gaining, and taking out the blank space i want it to feel robotic almost, so i’m not even going for the natural rhythm of toning down the breaths the only breaths that are included are intentional, turned up, and used as percussion or sound fx

i think this is the coolest, most me song i’ve ever written, it has sounds i didn’t even know how to begin creating three years ago when i was writing songs on my practice yamaha keyboard in my bedroom at kelsey’s house in anaheim i remember when i would show my songs to people and they would compare me to olivia rodrigo or GOD even bo burnham because i was playing my songs to the piano and they would say, but i thought you wanted to make hyperpop? that’s not hyperpop i didn’t know how to make those sounds, i didn’t know how to use a daw, this keyboard was all i had other than my voice, but i could hear it in my head, the full symphony of sounds and textures i wanted to accompany what they could only hear through my voice and piano

i can finally see the sounds in my brain be exorcised, hear them in harmony, together in ableton, instead of rummaging around firing off in my head like a choir of chaos i’ve wanted to be a pop star before i even knew it was hard from before i knew how to want anything i was a kid who wanted to be a pop star so fucking bad who watched hilary duff in concert on dvd on a tiny silver box tv in the kitchen over and over again and memorized the dances who pretended to be in music videos in front of the mirror in my bedroom, even then, writing songs and hearing them with a club background in my head, dancing my ass off when no one could see thought, until late high school, that perhaps, if i sang loudly enough in the shower, someone could be walking by and discover me, and never stopped trying until i started being smaller whose sexual awakening was a christina aguilera music video who got dumped for the first time right after watching a jesse McCartney music video who was told multiple times in elementary school by my mother that i would do better in math if i had more space in my brain but it was filled with music lyrics who made best friends with a pink iPod nano at my new elementary school who was the only one at said elementary school to mourn the breaking up of the black eyed peas (the first time) who stole my father’s grammy cd as a kid to listen to “let’s get it started” over and over again who went to border’s the day l.a.m.b. by gwen stefani dropped

pop music has been my only salvation at so many points in my life and it has been the life source that keeps going i know i sound fucking dramatic but i fucking love pop music bury me to pop music, lay me to rest while “it’s my life” by no doubt plays on a cd player

#7.28.24 #day 34 #everything is romantic #deardiary #online diary #photo journal #online journal

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fuckingpajamas · 10 months ago

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Posting this here to shame myself on how heavily I am influenced by writing moods.

Role plays written while listening to my top 5:

1. Tesselate - Alt J- Hannigram

2. Angel of Small Death - Hozier - Hannigram / A liiil bit of Butchlander

3. Look Who’s Inside Again - Bo Burnham - Moon Knight / Butchlander (esp sad Homelander moments relating to childhood)

4. Achilles Come Down - Gang Of Youths - Song of Achilles/ Butchlander/ Hannigram

5. Psycho Killer - Talking Heads - 10000% Homesick/Butchlander. Just- infecting my brain until this song melded into my flesh. 96% of Homesick was written to this song on loop

[if you’re curious about any other part of my writing process- please ask! It keeps me inspired and I love chatting with everyone :3]

#fuckingpajamas #music #spotify wrapped #spotify #homesick music #soundtrack #fanfic #writing #writing process

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dzpenumbra · 2 years ago

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3/24/23

I just accidentally titled this "3/24/56" and had the eerie thought that... hopefully... at some point in my life I actually will date a document with that date. That's a weird goddamn thought. Best not to linger on it too long... XD

I had my first human contact in several days today. My therapist, of course. It was good. He kept sorta... correcting me on my extrapolations that the shit I was dealing with the other day skating... where I was convinced I was pissing people off and something bad would happen because of it... I was trying to kinda... connect the dots that it was trauma related. He made a big point to emphasize that it was anxiety, and really hammered into that point. He clarified a few times with me to check whether it was panic or anxiety. And... well... I guess I can call myself lucky.

I'm starting to discern the difference between anxiety and panic. Again. For the millionth time. Because apparently it's my fate to just... keep forgetting shit. So... I made a point to share with him the parallel that I found recently to remember the difference. Phobos and Deimos. Terror and Dread. There's a distinct difference, and... from my understanding... they're actually different parts of the brain that are lit up? Maybe I'm off on that, I'm clearly not an expert in that field. But yeah, I'm definitely dealing much more with Dread than Terror.

But... Terror is what's unleashed when I smoke weed. Terror can come out in nightmares. Terror came out when I watched Bo Burnham's "Inside" with some random chick I met on Bumble who put her head on me when a song was playing that sounded like it was literally talking directly to me and I had one of those Truman Show moments. Those moments, those are fucking Terror. Like my life is a big fucking lie, this is just an experiment, we've been fucking with you for 20 years, see? Look, here's the cameras! Haha! Or the fun classic that I'm guessing sourced from my extensive history watching psychological horror movies - you're actually dead and you don't know it! Like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (sorry for the spoiler but like... come on, you have to have seen it by now).

Those are fucking panic attacks. Like... something bad is actively, imminently happening. A meteor is crashing towards Earth. You're having a heart attack and are going to die. The world is actually ending, and you're just being notified, and now you need to figure out what to do. And moments like that? Those are horrific to go through alone. Trust me.

What I'm going through are anxiety, he's been reminding me. And I was trying to push a bit deeper with it, saying this is... trauma reinforced. That's why I was saying it was kind of a PTSD thing, mostly because of the sense of... lack of safety that I felt. That was a big resonant thing that I associate with PTSD, not feeling safe when you are safe. And a cohesive theme behind that, that tracks to traumatic events. But again, I'm not the professional here. Either way, it's anxiety, and it's clearly "inspired by" past experiences. So... I'm guessing the miscommunication there was just... nomenclature.

He gave me the same kind of advice I usually get, to challenge the thoughts and seek evidence. And... I kinda automatically do that. I just... didn't really dismantle his argument because I wanted to hear what tools he was going to offer at the end of it. Finite time, you know?

He said "do you have any evidence that you were upsetting people?" Well, I had headphones in, but someone did yell at me at one point, didn't hear what they said. And when riding by people, they very obviously don't seem... pleased... They're not excited, they're not stoked, they're not curious, they're not "oh wow, what's that, it's like a skateboard but it's moving on its own... weird..." I get "annoyed" vibes from them. I don't have clear confirmation of it because... you know... I'm not in their heads... but it lingers. And I try to shrug it off, right? Because... it's like... I could be jumping to conclusions. I get what he was getting at, and again... I do that! I do challenge the thoughts! But what really set me off that day was... evidence. Evidence to prove the anxiety right. The no-skateboarding sign, with the big fine on it. Then looking up the bylaws. I can keep that "I might be pissing people off" stuff at bay, it's hard but I have the tools. What gets me... and again, this is where I really think he started to understand the challenge I was dealing with... what gets me is when that anxiety gets one fucking morsel of concrete evidence. "You are clearly pissing people off, because what you're doing is illegal." "Of course your landlords are going to be pissed at you, there's a giant hole in the wall" "Duh your retired neighbors are judging you, you're smoking weed on your porch at 1PM on a Monday afternoon when everyone else is at work."

It makes me insecure about like... snowskating at the park and making a bunch of noise on the maintenance door. It makes me go back to when I was skating on the sidewalks in that blizzard and the cop was watching me, because what I was doing was technically illegal and I could be fined for it... And after sharing this with him, I'm just like... I think he started to get it a bit. That this is actually a pretty reasonable fear. And not quite as simple as just... dismantle the anxiety and it goes away. In this case... the law had been clearly crafted to (in case of snowskating) combat people unsafely sledding on the sidewalks of steep hills, and (in the case of skateboarding) grinding the curbs, ollieing into traffic, bombing hills, shit like that. But the laws are very general and prejudiced against all forms of riding period, not just the specific types of dangerous riding they want to prohibit. It's not "no smoking within 20 feet of the establishment" it's "no smoking at any time, ever, anywhere". So... it kinda just... fucks me over when I try to use my board practically. Or when I have 15+ years experience riding my snowskate and want to practice or even film some tricks in my neighborhood.

Professional skateboarders still deal with this when they film their parts for their actual full-time fucking job. It's been over 30 fucking years of this bullshit.

Like... I went to get pizza delivery and a package from the package room today in my yoga pants and a hoodie, no shirt underneath, no socks, haven't showered all day. And I used to be super self conscious about smelling bad. And yeah, it can take a push sometimes, but today I really didn't give too much of a shit. I can dismantle that mental argument pretty quick - "who fucking cares?" "So what, someone thinks I smell, they're being judgmental, they don't know what kind of day I'm having, let them fucking judge."

But when it comes to me... albeit negligently... breaking the law? It puts me in a bit of a quandary. I guess this is where I bring out the DnD alignment sheet and explain my shift.

So DnD alignments are personality spectrums. Chaotic -> Lawful. Evil -> Good. With neutrals in between. I have never been in the Evil camp, honestly. It's just not in my nature, it's very repulsive to me. But in my past, I had definitely willfully been more in the Chaotic Neutral camp. I loved the spontaneity and excitement of Chaos, I found it more exciting than boring old Order. The Joker is just funnier, cooler and more entertaining than Batman. Sorry, Batman. But... Chaos just brought me to Evil people. And often planted the idea in the heads of others that I was... innately self-interested and potentially Evil.

In my reformation, after my life collapsed and I grew a ton and really woke up to who I am and what I wanted to be in life... I started leaning much heavier towards actively pursuing Good rather than being on the Neutral fence. Meh, the more I think about it, I was more on the side of Good than Neutral... I've just stayed Neutral because I just don't want to be actively involved in the fight, honestly. My heart has always been aligned with Good. But I started to drift much further away from Chaos the past several years. And now, I'm probably getting closer to Lawful Good. Which is... not what I ever expected. Going from a Han Solo kinda character to more of an Obi Wan.

Lawful, in this case, not just meaning loyalty to social policies or a faction, but... orderly, structured, disciplined, predictable. And god knows a lot of that is being socially pressured. It's really weird, because... I mean... it's 4:30 AM. Literally no one else in my gigantic apartment building is awake, I guarantee it. I have barely any structure, I live on the fringe and have for a very long time. I prefer spontaneity and my career and daily life are built around pursuing creative impulses as they occur. I have deliberately shaped my life around this, which is like... literally Chaos! XD And yet... I'm more orderly than I have been in the past. I do yoga daily, I do chores, I do weekly takeout? Kinda? When I know what day it is? XD Can you tell how confusing this is for me?!

This is really my first time putting myself and my older self on the alignment grid. And... I'm really not sure where I'm at. Maybe I'm more around Neutral Good. Or even Chaotic Good. I'm clearly not Evil inclined, and clearly have a serious problem with Evil... I just... don't want to combat Evil... so I have never seen myself aligned with Good because of that. Like... I'm a pacifist... I refuse to cause harm even to Evil... And that character quality is kinda why I've gotten chewed up and spit out so much by less-than-Good people...

So, honestly... I'm pretty Chaotic. My orderly habits keep me sane and keep me in tune, but I really can't say I'm structured just because I do yoga first thing every day. And that, in itself, is not a slight against me. And fighting my Chaotic nature... has historically caused more problems than good. My Chaos is not bad. It's just... randomness. Quirkiness. My typing right now is Chaos. It's just thoughts coming straight out of my head with no editing at all. But... there's this stigma I've been around in my life. Maybe it's cultural, maybe it's my family, I don't know. They feel like if you're not "structured" and "disciplined" and all that blah blah boring bullshit... you're a bad person. You're doing it wrong. And often, you're unpredictable and dangerous.

When I last lived in this city - a few lifetimes ago - I wanted to do some kind of project (which I would consider at this stage in my life a performance art piece) where me and my friend would go undercover as homeless people for a day or two. See what life looked like from that side of society, as like... a method acting experiment. And, at the naive age of 21, I would've gladly done it if my friend agreed. I really just didn't fully process how fucking dangerous that was, and how fleeting and fragile life really is. But, there are artists that have done that kind of thing and been fine. And maybe I'm being super paranoid by even thinking that if I were homeless, I would be murdered within 24 hours. Right? I mean... isn't that... anxiety?

That switch got thrown. Whatever that is. The self-preserver. The "yeah, you better be cautious, you could die at any second." "You know what, let's go to the store tomorrow, wouldn't wanna risk... something..." "Yeah, let's not call the vet when we only got 6 hours of sleep, we might 'fuck it up'... somehow..." THAT shit. That was a big shift in me. And... I thought it was PTSD. It's definitely trauma-sourced. My therapist told me today it's anxiety. He directed me towards "Polyvagal Theory" again. Here:

Makes sense in a lot of ways. And I rarely cross that line into "I can't" anymore. I just go into evasion, procrastination, shit like that (with going to the store, or the skatepark, or calling a place because I'm nervous or something). Like... it rarely even gets to panic anymore. Anxiety and Irritation, yeah, I get that a ton. And it lingers. So... I'd see that as really good improvement. I just see all that shit on the other side way down below... and I fucking miss it, man. Connection. Safety. Social Engagement. I miss that shit.

Ugh... well, I've got tons of "homework". Affirmations for myself. Kind reminders of who I am, where I am, and what I choose to be. And I'm reading them for the first time, and they're actually really nice, and really helpful. I remember times when I was younger when I would be the "cool" kid who would scoff and turn his nose up at this kinda shit without a moment's consideration... god, that's so embarrassing... Like being judgmental is cool or something. Like fucking Roger Klotz or something, ugh. Here are the mantras:

This feeling is only temporary. I inhale peace and exhale worry. I am safe and in control.

I feel like those are going to be helpful. And the first thing that ran through my head when he told me about this was to make a piece of jewelry for myself around this. Something I wear every day, I referred to it as the "tattoo method", which he... didn't seem to connect with. I guess it's a cultural thing. Meaning... something on your person that is symbolic of a very important reminder to yourself, so that when you need it, it's always there. Like my tattoo on my chest that I can read in the mirror that reminds me that when I feel chest pains in that location, I'm not dying, it's just anxiety, and it's caused... by me. It really does help.

It's getting late. I got most of the line work done on the hoodie, there's only shading left now, then the outer ring... whenever I decide what to do with it. No rush on that. Big victory there.

And I decided to play music tonight, first time in a while. I actually recorded. Two guitar parts and a bass part. Very brief, one riff, a harmony riff and underlying bass to kinda... camouflage the hum of incredibly old pickups. It was a really cool riff, I'm very proud of myself for writing it on the fly, and without any paper or anything. Just me and my guitar, Elisha. Like the old days.

I'm inspired to keep going with that and see where it leads me. Listening to Baroness always makes me want to record 20 albums worth of guitar music, I swear! XD

Bed time, be well.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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lavender-annd-lilac · 2 years ago

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OP: Not a romantic relationship type of person? Just wait for the next fic, it’ll be disgustingly sappy 😈

Me: challenge accepted!!! Watch me viciously misinterpret everything while (hopefully 😬) still interacting respectfully with the source material 🤡

It's a weird feeling, he can't let go of it. Definitely something he hasn't felt for quite some time. Eighty years maybe, perhaps longer - if ever.

Alexa, play

Do any of the following describe how u feel?

Reading Pornhub's terms of service

going for a drive

obeying all the traffic laws in Grand Theft Auto V

Total disassociation, fully out your mind

Googling "derealization", hating what you find

That unapparent summer air in early fall

The quiet comprehending of the ending of it all

the way his heart constantly hammers in his chest for absolutely no reason, how the blood rushes past his ears every time he sits down

Lol I have this too I think it’s called… hypotension?

Wait let me check WebMD…

how he's started downright fumbling with his switchblade during training sessions

Ok I know what this is for real tho

the constant buzzing in his brain so he can't concentrate at all.

Me: lol ok boomer, I saw someone with this exact problem holding up the line at the Apple Store. Just take off your AirPods for a sec, and adjust your radio station to the correct fm/am setting 🙄 jeez

Bucky cannot escape the constant worried glances even though he has assured his best friend repeatedly that nothing's wrong

Steve: hey Sam, do u notice anything… weird with Bucky lately?

Sam: dude, I’m so glad u said something, is it just me, or he does he seem like… a little pregnant with Ebola?? 😬😬😬

Then comes the weird behaviour from Wanda who starts smiling at him more and more mysteriously, constantly fixing him very specific seats at the dinner table

Lmaooo bc I’m a bad person I’m imagining this as like “A Beautiful Mind” type scenario where everyone is acting normal but he’s just interpreting things in a conspiracy-minded way

😂😂😂

Wanda just gives him the regular awkward white person expression (lol I’m Asian but I do this too😭) but he sees it as this cryptic Mona Lisa smile

And then any time she asks him to sit he’s like, 🤔“this is the 3rd seat from the head of the table, last time it was the 5th seat counterclockwise from the…”

(Also, isn’t every seat technical a specific seat??)

inviting him out for all sorts of team-evenings even though she damn well knows he won't participate

Haha they are mandatory team activities that everyone has to attend, but he’s like why would they ask ME, an antisocial person, to go to this group event??? What are they planning??

And to Bucky's annoyance, it doesn't take Sam long before he too picks up on it and starts sending him the same type of irritating looks.

Sam: hey can u pass the salt pls

Bucky: what do you mean “pass” the “salt”?? And why did u blink once after your sentence?

🤨

He reckons he could just ask them what the fuck is going on, but he really doesn't want to give Sam the satisfaction

Yeah no, that’s definitely worth losing your mind over for sure.

he quietly agrees with your whispered ramblings about what you find dumb with the movie that Wanda picked

Me: Whoa whoa whoa, if u are just going to talk shit about the host’s tastes in movies, u might as well LEAVE 😤😤😤

My guests: we all came here after u lied about there being an emergency, and then u made us sit down and watch Lars von Trier’s depressing ass “Golden Heart” trilogy which just coincidentally happened to be playing on TV…

Me: I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND BE INSULTED by people who paid for a ticket to see the Transformer movies in theatres 😡 How dare u disgrace my home with your presence

Guests: …u took all our car keys and locked us in

when Natasha shushes you

lol I also hire Nat as the reverse bouncer… to keep people from leaving my movie night.

ME: none of you are leaving until you can tell me the main motifs in Dogville

Guests: wait, that’s not even in this trilogy??

Me: oh ya, I have it on blu ray we’ll watch it next. Just wanted to familiarize y’all with his oeuvre before really getting into it 🤠

Bucky feels his facial muscles contract and the skin around his eyes crinkle as he involuntarily bares his teeth in... a smile?

It makes his heart pound so wildly that he can't even hear the sound effects of the fighting scene

They are watching Shrek and the “fighting scene” is Shrek arguing with Donkey in the swamp

fear that he's about to go into cardiac arrest

Sooooo…. I was going to make an insensitive comment about how he was being stupid bc if he was having a heart attack he would know bc he would feel a sharp pain in his left arm, but then I remembered… 😬😬😬

sending a confused Steve away when he stops by a few hours later

Steve: Shrek has such universal humour, there’s something in it for everyone!!! You really didn’t find it enjoyable at all?? It has 88% on Rotten Tomatoes!!!

🍅🍅🍅

As he lies alone in the dark, he can't stop thinking about your soft hands on his tainted skin

Me: yeah, who sticks their hand in a bucket of popcorn, and then touches another person with their greasy little paws 🤢 rude af!!! Fucking Purell urself before making contact with my epidermis PLS 😡

The small amount of sanity I have left: I… I think u might be misinterpreting this scene?? 😓

but at least he doesn't feel like he's having a heart attack anymore.

Ok but like how would he even know if… nevermind 😮‍💨

the intruding thoughts invite nightmare after nightmare to occupy his already rattled mind

Ok well… just tell ur intruding thoughts to recind the invitation. Or hang up more garlic in your brain. Or like, don’t let ur intruding thoughts answer the door? Everyone knows nightmares can’t come in without an explicit invitation. Or cross running water… maybe u should hydrate more?

an endless loop of fear and frustration

Huh, Spotify recommended me that exact playlist the other day!! Gotta love those My Chemical Romance bangerz

the all-consuming nightmare is easily pushed away by the abrupt realisation that he looks like shit

Vanity, mankind’s greatest fear 🥲

Even Cleopatra chose her method of death based on what would leave her the least mangled or bloated or gross looking

🐍🐍🐍

but now he suddenly cannot believe he's kept his hair this greasy and unkempt for so long

Bucky thinks he’s making progress in self care, when really, the subliminal Herbal Essences advertising has finally started to kick in

He looks older, less attractive, a shadow of the charming man he'd once been,

Wait… how could this happen??? There’s no way he could actually have gotten older and less attractive and more traumatized, unless… unless time isn’t just a social construct, but a REAL THING that changes us biologically!!!

FUCK!!! DOES TONY STARK KNOW ABOUT THIS???

borrowing half a tube of Steve's 3-in-1 shampoo, nightmare already long forgotten

Ok buddy, maybe your nightmare is over, but mine has just begun.

😱😱😱

THREE IN ONE???? There’s only 2 possible products for your hair - cleaning (shampoo) and conditioning (conditioner, masks). Wth is this third thing??

😰😰😰

If it’s a shampoo/conditioner/BODY WASH…

🤯🤯🤯

Why the heck are men’s products like this? All their stuff is like “17-in-1 dish soap, laundry detergent, shampoo/conditioner, window washer fluid, car oil, rust protector, grill cleaner”

While women will be advertised shit like “this serum is specifically formulated for use after our purifying clay mask, and gentle foam cleanser! Carefully apply it under your left eye each night, followed by the serum recommended for use under your right eye, followed by our overnight hydrating moisturizer!!”

The newly washed, weirdly voluminous mop on top of his head makes Sam laugh annoyingly loud, and he calls Bucky Goldilocks for days

Has Sam not read Goldilocks? I mean, I’m not exactly the most astute reader, but I feel like it was less about her hair and more about her breaking and entering and getting away with it bc of her human privilege.

verge of vowing to never lather his stupid hair with shampoo again

Dude u aren’t even lathering ur hair with shampoo. 3-in-1 is not shampoo 😩😩😩 idk what it is but it’s not shampoo

Bucky feels a small hand slowly rake its tiny fingers through his thick strands of unfamiliarly soft hair

😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨 = me hyperventilating at the thought of someone just touching my hair without following the standard procedure (waiting for my approval after submitting: their CV (along with 6 reference letters), medical health records, vaccination history, criminal record, and psychological profile.)

Also me: *sees a stray dog/cat on true street and just pets it without even introducing myself*

he starts washing his hair every other day

Bro u are overwashing tbh. I’ll let Herbal Essences know to turn down the subliminal ads just a touch.

he makes sure to always put on a clean shirt

Wait what. There is a difference btwn clean shirt and fresh shirt… If I wear a teletubbies shirt to sleep, and then change into work clothes in the morning, and then change back into the teletubbies shirt at night, it’s not a “fresh” shirt but I would say it’s still a pretty clean shirt.

Has he not been wearing clean clothes? Like is there actual debris or human detritus on the clothes he usually wears??? What does this mean???

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

My brain: let’s not get caught up in the details… it’s not about how clean is shirt actually is… it’s about the effort he’s making, to present himself to others, the small steps he is taking towards looking after himself😊

Me: STFU bitch, I know my psychiatrist bribed u with serotonin u traitor. Don’t come at me with that small steps positivity shit 😒

My brain: dude… what??? It’s not a bribe, it’s your medication lol🙄

Me: sit ur ass down Judas. We’re watching the directors cut of Melancholia after this

Suddenly, it's important to him to look presentable, though he cannot for the life in him figure out why

Me: about to launch into a Whole Thing about how our idea of body image is skewed by advertising, social media, etc.

My brain: WAIT! …if u do this it will make u tired and then u will miss all that gloomy, unsettling stuff u love so much in whatever Lars von Trier film u plan on watching after Melancholia

Me: hm… u are right. It’s going to be “Antichrist” btw

Brain: 🫠👍

it's a mystery, a totally weird obsession that's gnawing little holes in the cortex of his brain, driving him up the wall, until one morning he wakes up from the loveliest dream he's ever had

The one where you brush your teeth and none of them fall out into the sink?? The one where u spit after brushing your teeth and the sink isn’t filled with blood??

Still half-asleep, he hasn't been paying the dull tightness between his legs much attention until he accidentally brushes his hand over the area just to feel a bulge much more prominent than usual.

Me: *gears in mind turning*

Brain: don’t do it. DO NOT. I know u had to repeat anatomy one summer so u feel like u have to make practical use of that knowledge somehow, but DON’T!!

Me: ….ok

Brain: 😳 wait rly??

Me: …so when males experience “morning wood” or whatever euphemism you want to use for having an erection upon waking

Brain: *internally screaming*

Me: it isn’t always the result of sexual arousal. There are many factors that contribute to this phenomenon, including testosterone levels (usually highest in the morning), your parasympathetic nervous system, or even a full bladder pressing against your sacral nerve (part of the parasympathetic NS that controls digestion and sexual arousal).

In fact, a morning erection is more likely to be the result of your body’s physiology, rather than your psychology! 🤓

We see examples of this in men who experience morning wood, but find themselves unable to perform sexually in other circumstances. This would be a case where their “erectile dysfunction” is likely due to psychological factors like stress, instead of vascular or anatomical issues in the body.

Therefore, if a male is otherwise physically healthy, morning wood is something he should experience more or less regularly.

Please note, however, that this erection may occur before the individual is fully awake, and since it tends to subside quickly, one may be under the impression that they don’t experience this phenomenon at all if they are not fully conscious enough to witness it (as might be the case with the patient in this scenario).

Brain: what patient?

Me: That would be a Mr. J Bar- wait, I can’t tell u who it is! That would be a HIPPA violation. Nice try tho 😏

Not even in his many lonely and sleepless nights had he been able to get as much as a twitch out of his dick, and now he hasn't even done anything

Me: DUH!!! It’s that thing where if u watch the water it won’t boil!!!! 🙄🙄🙄

Brain: didn’t u just give a long, unnecessary TED talk based on science??

Me: ya, so??

Brain: 🤦‍♀️

pretty, red little mouths

Me: wait mouths plural? That’s a bit… idk like the indescribable horrors that HP Lovecraft sometimes describes but ok 🤷‍♀️ whatever does it for u man

the smell of popcorn hanging thickly in the air.

Huh… not sure that’s the kind of Pavlovian response u want to encourage. Popcorn is a pretty common smell to be aroused by

Lost in the feeling, he imagines the scent of your perfume, your cute little laugh, your kind nature, how you make him want to be a better man.

I feel like I just micro-dosed a hallmark movie haha. There’s a tagline somewhere in there I think 🤩

Yet, he still cannot piece together the puzzle

Wait I’m lost here too, what is the puzzle he’s trying to figure out? Like why he suddenly feels this way outta nowhere?

HAHAHA bro, poets and philosophers have been asking that same question for millennia 😂

Brain: pls… can u be more sensitive about this? Some people have feelings. 😭😭😭

Me: oh ya, like who 🤨

Brain: … well idk how to tell actually, but I’m pretty sure they are real and other people experience them. 👽

Me: no ur prob right. Let him have fun with his puzzle

The sweating, the heart pumping, the smiling, all the weird symptoms started the minute you sat down next to him and told him your name

Me: Holy shit, Ebola pregnancy is contagious and spread by airborne particles 😳😳😳

Brain: too soon, COVID is still a thing rn dude

Me: don’t worry, no one reads this shit except the government agent that was assigned to monitor our online activities ever since we started googling various true crime topics.

It's different from the love he feels towards Steve,

The thousands of Stucky shippers on this site:

He feels stupid but he has to say something, doesn't he?

Bucky: hey uh… so….do u ever wonder how Teflon sticks to the pan if nothing is supposed to stick to Teflon?

An eternity of worried, silent seconds follow, but when you finally put down the pan and look up at him, it's with a smile as if he's hung the stars, and the moon, and the fucking sun itself in the sky.

When u feel bad about someone’s lame joke so u overcompensate your reaction

Don’t do this. This is how [insert name of ur last fav comic here] become famous.

His heart stops

LOL omg I wish u ended it here bc

Spoilers for “A Single Man” (seriously don’t read unless u don’t care about spoilers or plan to never see this movie bc it’s two thumbs up, very worth watching)

⚠️⚠️⚠️

Basically in this movie the Colin Firth character struggles with depression after his bf dies, and he spends the majority of the film contemplating suicide.

He actually like sets out his will and all his legal documents on a table, and then goes inside a sleeping bag covered in a plastic tarp and tries to shoot himself in this hilarious scene bc he’s trying to be so considerate about it - like, minimizing the amount of cleanup the police will have to do etc. but in the end he can’t do it (but still wants to).

Then he has this like these borderline inappropriate encounters with one of his male students (nothing actually sexual happens but I guess there is ~chemistry?), and realizes that there are ppl in his life who care for him.

So then he decides to live life again and he’s in his kitchen by himself, and he purposely takes bread out of the freezer to defrost (he put the bread in their earlier when he was planning to off himself so it wouldn’t go bad and maybe the housekeeper could take it or something lol) and is preparing for his day with a newfound enthusiasm….

And then he literally goes into cardiac arrest for real and dies lmaoooo 🤣🤣🤣

I described that super flippantly but it’s legit one of my fav movies that is very poignant in a lot of ways, but not heavy like my other fav film “Melancholia”. “A Single Man” is deliberately written with a bit of humour (I know it’s not my brain twisting the scenarios into funny situations bc I saw it in theatres and the crowd laughed) but still handles depression and suicide in a very like idk, affecting way…

SPOILERS OVER

Anyway, I just thought it would be funny if u ended the story like that bc even tho ppl might be mad I think it would have been like this beautiful irony 🥲

But maybe not bc he would have died right in front of her and that would be traumatic so nvm 🤪

Actually I like your ending a lot better

And that's when it truly dawns on him. Pulse suddenly springing back to life and pounding faster than ever before, he knows what he has to do. He has to make you his.

Bc it leaves it open like, maybe reader was just being a friendly person trying to make friends with the loner guy, and now he’s OBSESSED and it becomes a stalker/swim fan thing. Who knows??

Or they could be like happy and stuff.

But idk that last line seems mega predatory like I’ll make it my one mission in life to make u love me and I’ll chainsaw anyone who gets in my way kinda vibes.

(In my opinion)

But also could just be like a very normal romantic kind of love.

It’s 50/50 tbh

Side Effects (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Summary: Not remembering what falling in love feels like, Bucky thinks the side effects of the serum have finally caught up with him.

Words: 2K

Just another fluffy fluffshot 💕 (does contain 18+ only themes)

It's a weird feeling, he can't let go of it. Definitely something he hasn't felt for quite some time. Eighty years maybe, perhaps longer - if ever.

At first, he thinks he's finally feeling some delayed side effects of the serum, the way his heart constantly hammers in his chest for absolutely no reason, how the blood rushes past his ears every time he sits down for dinner and immediately loses his appetite, how he's started downright fumbling with his switchblade during training sessions, the constant buzzing in his brain so he can't concentrate at all.

He's asked Steve about it, but he's not feeling anything out of the ordinary, and now, full of regret, Bucky cannot escape the constant worried glances even though he has assured his best friend repeatedly that nothing's wrong.

...at least he doesn't think so.

Then comes the weird behaviour from Wanda who starts smiling at him more and more mysteriously, constantly fixing him very specific seats at the dinner table, inviting him out for all sorts of team-evenings even though she damn well knows he won't participate. And to Bucky's annoyance, it doesn't take Sam long before he too picks up on it and starts sending him the same type of irritating looks.

He starts wondering if the side effects make him look… different? Loopy? As goddamn weird as he feels? Maybe they're silently worried he's losing his marbles too? He reckons he could just ask them what the fuck is going on, but he really doesn't want to give Sam the satisfaction. So, he ignores them as much as he can, silently fearing what side effect might show its ugly face next.

He keeps mostly to himself for a few days - and it seems to make him feel a little bit better - but when Steve urges him to come down for movie-night, he knows he must say yes so he won't arouse even more suspicion with his best friend. So Bucky reluctantly accepts.

It works. Steve looks bright and happy as Wanda places Bucky on the couch between you and Steve, and even Bucky must admit, that he could have been assigned a worse seat. For once, he's actually happy he came out for movie-night as he quietly agrees with your whispered ramblings about what you find dumb with the movie that Wanda picked, but when Natasha shushes you and you laugh and lean close to him, popcorn-stuffed mouth and all, the next weird side effect comes to life.

You have your full attention turned on him and suddenly Bucky feels his facial muscles contract and the skin around his eyes crinkle as he involuntarily bares his teeth in... a smile? Oh God, a genuinely happy smile accompanied by a low, dopey chuckle. He almost scares himself, and he's happy that the only person that can make out his goofy expression in the dark is you, and that you don't make a fuss about it but just smile even brighter as you interlock your arm with his, face slowly turning back to the screen. It makes his heart pound so wildly that he can't even hear the sound effects of the fighting scene over the fear that he's about to go into cardiac arrest.

Firmly believing that he's definitely losing it now, he retreats to his room and shuts the door close behind him, sending a confused Steve away when he stops by a few hours later.

As he lies alone in the dark, he can't stop thinking about your soft hands on his tainted skin no matter how hard he tries to concentrate on anything else. It makes his heart squeeze tight and ease up at the same time, and he's not sure if he likes it or not, but at least he doesn't feel like he's having a heart attack anymore.

He goes back to barricading himself in his room, worrying about his declining sanity to such an extent that the intruding thoughts invite nightmare after nightmare to occupy his already rattled mind. For a few days, it seems to go around in an endless loop of fear and frustration, but then, one morning, while he's doing his breathing exercises in the bathroom mirror, the all-consuming nightmare is easily pushed away by the abrupt realisation that he looks like shit.

Weird, he can't even remember the last time he cared as much as a ripe fig about what he looked like, but now he suddenly cannot believe he's kept his hair this greasy and unkempt for so long. He looks older, less attractive, a shadow of the charming man he'd once been, so with new-found purpose to start looking just half-decent again, he quickly undresses and jumps in the shower, borrowing half a tube of Steve's 3-in-1 shampoo, nightmare already long forgotten.

The newly washed, weirdly voluminous mop on top of his head makes Sam laugh annoyingly loud, and he calls Bucky Goldilocks for days.

It takes everything inside him to not sock Sam in the kisser, and he's on the verge of vowing to never lather his stupid hair with shampoo again, but one morning while he's sitting alone at the kitchen counter drinking his morning coffee, Bucky feels a small hand slowly rake its tiny fingers through his thick strands of unfamiliarly soft hair. With electricity coursing through his veins, he thinks to himself that Sam can stick it. That hearing you say he looks good while feeling your tiny fingers on top of his scalp is worth every Goldilocks-comment from Sam. So he starts washing his hair every other day, hoping to dear God that you'll do it again. He stops wearing his cap inside, and he makes sure to always put on a clean shirt. Suddenly, it's important to him to look presentable, though he cannot for the life in him figure out why.

For several weeks, it's a mystery, a totally weird obsession that's gnawing little holes in the cortex of his brain, driving him up the wall, until one morning he wakes up from the loveliest dream he's ever had. Still half-asleep, he hasn't been paying the dull tightness between his legs much attention until he accidentally brushes his hand over the area just to feel a bulge much more prominent than usual.

Immediately, his eyelids shoot up, and he grows dizzy from the quick awakening as he stares down at the unfamiliar sight that he honestly hadn't expected to ever see again. Not believing neither the feeling against his fingertips nor the unbelievable desire to be touched, he has to pinch himself just to make sure he isn't dreaming still, but the bulge in his boxers stays put. Up until that moment he'd otherwise been positive that he would remain broken for good. Not even in his many lonely and sleepless nights had he been able to get as much as a twitch out of his dick, and now he hasn't even done anything, and the erection's just staring straight at him, throbbing, and screaming, and begging to be touched.

Suddenly excited and yearning to feel some much needed release for the first time since 1943, he pushes down the fabric of his boxers and grabs himself by the root, immediately stroking his erection slowly, remembering what it used to be like; touching then stopping, fast then slow, cautious teasing then everything all at once. Anything to prolong the pleasure while thinking of cute, pebbled nipples and pretty, red little mouths.

"Ahh shit," he whispers to himself and lets his shoulders slump back down into the mattress beneath him so he can enjoy properly.

His thumb glides over the tip of his head while vibranium fingers massage his tighter-than-ever balls and his breathing runs uncontrolled at the sensation - and that's when it happens.

A spark! The beginning of a thought - a fantasy really - a set of familiar, wet lips wrapped tightly around him.

"Ah!" He's gasping with spit gathering at the corners of his mouth while thinking of you. Thinking of tiny fingers rolling his balls, running through his hair. Of hands touched to his elbow and the smell of popcorn hanging thickly in the air.

Lost in the feeling, he imagines the scent of your perfume, your cute little laugh, your kind nature, how you make him want to be a better man.

He fantasises about undressing you while holding you close to his chest. About lying you down on his mattress while showering the valley between your breasts with sensual kisses. About you pulling him so close he slides deep inside your inviting heat while you scratch at his back, and when he fantasises about the feeling of you orgasming around him and moaning his name in his ear, he lets go and violently comes all over his stomach and chest.

He stares at the ceiling for a while.

What the fuck was that all about? he contemplates when he's down from his high again, painfully aware that the mere thought of you just made him cum for the first time in nearly seventy-five years. Yet, he still cannot piece together the puzzle.

He sees you half an hour later, spatula perched on top of the kitchen counter as you flip a pancake using just the motion of the pan. You look excited to see him and you smile brightly, breathing his name so sweetly that the familiar side effect of his insides squirming comes to life.

…Funny, now that he thinks about it, the side effects started showing up around the same time as you did. The sweating, the heart pumping, the smiling, all the weird symptoms started the minute you sat down next to him and told him your name.

It dawns on him that it has continued to happen like that every time you're near. Every time his name spills from your lips. Every time you smile. His pumping heart doesn't even care if the smile is directed at someone else, it still skips a few beats. And he realises that for three months, he has been following you around like a puppy dog, doing everything he possibly can to get close to you.

He has told Tony Stark himself to fuck off when you were trying to gain the attention of the room. He has sat down next to you every night at dinner, listening so intently to whatever you've had to say that he's forgotten all about eating. He has skirted his eyes over you more times at practice than he's dared counting - more times than he has intended to. He's been lying sleepless at night, wondering what you might think of him - he has even started caring about his hair for crying out loud!

He's been so completely blindsided by his own heart because he's been devoid of any human connection for so long that he'd completely forgotten what this feels like.

Love, that is.

It's different from the love he feels towards Steve, that's more brotherly in nature. This is romantic love, full of the need to kiss, and to hold, and to protect, and to - gulp - fuck!

It's like an ice bucket's been dropped on his head. He cannot believe he hasn't seen it before. He's not sick, he's not dying, he's just completely and utterly in love.

And even Sam has realised?! That's without a doubt the worst part. How's he ever going to admit to that?

It's with heated cheeks and shaking legs that Bucky occupies the seat opposite you at the kitchen counter, quietly complimenting you on the lovely smell of your breakfast. He feels stupid but he has to say something, doesn't he?

His heart stops.

And that's when it truly dawns on him. Pulse suddenly springing back to life and pounding faster than ever before, he knows what he has to do. He has to make you his.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes

2K notes · View notes

frankenstein-ate-my-left-shoe · 2 years ago

Text

my official reasonings/ramblings for why each song on my steddie playlist was added because the brainrot is real (this list is constantly being updated!)

i tried to keep this as close to the actual time frame as possible, but any song can be a steddie song since eddie is actually alive and well ofc 🥰

any song with just the reasoning being “Steve” or “Eddie” means it’s a song on that’d i think would be on their playlist/they’d listen to and may or may not think about the other while they do

Eddie My Love - The Chordettes duh. but also this is the song Steve puts on the jukebox in response to the scenario below with ‘Hey Lover’ (here’s a drabble I wrote for this and ‘Hey Lover’)

I Was Made For Lovin' You - KISS Eddie’s Steve song; part of my #steddieweek2023 fic

Mary On A Cross - Ghost Literally all the first steddie edits I saw on tiktok were to this song

Hey Lover - The Daughters of Eve I have an scenario in my head of Eddie putting this song on a jukebox in a small diner, saying “hey that sounds like you Stevie” at the line “You don’t have to be a king” and blushing like crazy when Steve smirks and asks “You trying to tell me something, Munson?” (here’s a drabble I wrote for this and ‘Eddie My Love’’)

Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon this tiktok by luna.weasley11 that says it sounds like Eddie singing

Never Ever Getting Rid of Me - Waitress Soundtrack POV, Eddie singing this to Steve because Eddie didn’t die and Steve and Robin work at a diner now, fight me.

Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus Eddie singing about Steve; Steve comes to Eddie at prom (Steve is chaperoning or is Robin’s date idk) and invites him to an Iron Maiden concert. basically this post by erlij on twitter (the twt post was what i saw first, but they also posted it here on tumblr (@erlie))

Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard Eddie

You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC Eddie

Head Over Heels - Tears for Fears Steve’s Eddie song; part of my #steddieweek2023 fic

Angeleyes - ABBA AU where King Steve and Eddie meet earlier and maybe fool around and this is Eddie after King Steve drops him (don’t worry they still get together later after Steve isn’t a complete ASS.).

Cry Little Sister - Gerard McMann Kas!Eddie vibes also Lost Boys?? Hello?? - also this vid from @verk0my of steve meeting vamp eddie the first time

Lay All Your Love On Me - ABBA Steve

Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears Steve’s “Heat of the Moment”/groundhog day song from “The Lathe” by @palmviolet on AO3

1985 - Bo Burnham duh

Master of Puppets - Metallica DUH

Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God) - Kate Bush duh, but also this Kas!Eddie x Steve fanvid by @softoreos on youtube

Psycho Killer - Talking Heads was in the show, but I added it to this playlist because of this tiktok by roguealien (@rogue-alien here on tumblr)

Take on Me - a-ha Steve

Somebody To Love - Queen duh, but also: don’t watch this Ella Enchanted AU vid by roguealien on tiktok and then DON’T think about this song/scene in the movie but steddie

Take My Breath Away - Berlin duh

Bad Habit - Steve Lacy Steve to Eddie when he finds out Eddie had a crush on him and was too late to do anything about it either due to canon or because Eddie’s in a coma from his injuries

Voulez-Vous - ABBA added because I read this fic by @bmodiwrites where Eddie walks in on Dustin and Steve singing and dancing to this while cooking and it sends Eddie into a mixtape-making spiral

Eddie Baby - Felix Hagen & the Family AU where the fruity four go see Corroded Coffin play at some gay bar in Indianapolis’ open mic night and after Corroded Coffin plays, Steve, Robin, and Nancy surprise Eddie by being the next act to go up on stage; Steve singing as a confession to Eddie, Robin and Nancy as his backup/band! I finally wrote this!! tumblr | AO3

You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) - Dead Or Alive Steve’s “Oh shit I have a crush on Eddie Munson” song

Kiss the Go-Goat - Ghost seen this used in steddie edits

Tainted Love - Soft Cell Eddie with his big ol’ pining crush on Steve

I Ran (So Far Away) - Flock of Seagulls Eddie coded: “Outside of D&D, I am no hero. I see danger and I just turn heel and run. Or at least that's what I've learned about myself this week.”. also, “..with auburn hair and tawny eyes” is obv. about Steve

Play With Me - Extreme Eddie

Hungry Eyes - Eric Carmen Steve

This Charming Man - The Smiths Steve coded

Heart Of Glass (Live) - Miley Cyrus the song fits the era, but this is the version I like better tbh

Spillways - Ghost idk, i like it and I think Eddie’d like Ghost in the future

Don’t You Want Me - The Human League classic 80s song

Super Freak - Rick James classic 80s song (also I love the Hillywood ST parody vid)

Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen DUH

As the World Falls Down - David Bowie, Labyrinth HELLO?? JARETH!EDDIE AND SARAH!STEVE?? “I will be there for you as the world falls down”??? editing this one to add THIS BEAUTIFUL ART BY @vesperalhemlock

The Power Of Love - Huey Lewis & The News perfect for S3 steddie!

Can’t Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon classic 80s song, plus a fic of the same name by @steddieasitgoes where Steve finds a mix tape Eddie Made about him and this song is on the tape twice because Eddie is that down bad for him

I’m Still Standing - Elton John fits both of them, Steve after having gone through all the upside-down bullshit, Eddie still standing tall after everything he’s been through

Le Hace Falta Un Beso - EL Chapo De Sinaloa this tiktok/meme by littlecorvo also i’m in LOVE with hispanic!Eddie

Watching Over Me - Radio Company i used this song for the title to my destiel!steddie fic bc it's a super destiel coded song by jackles himself!!

The King Has Lost His Crown - ABBA STEVE’S SONG FR ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? ABBA?? The title?? “The world is upside-down”?? In the words of my friend Eli (@transizzyhands): “I can’t believe abba invented Steve harrington”; now part of my #steddieweek2023 fic

Rainbow in the Dark - Dio Eddie

Last Christmas - Wham! idk, i’ve seen edits of them to this song and also i love this song lmao

Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton-John Sandy!Steve x Danny!Eddie

SOS - ABBA Steve pining after Eddie even though he’s gone

Acolyte - Slaughter Beach, Dog “Eddie, I want you to marry me, we’ll wait a few years, I don’t mean to frighten you, I just wanna be clear.” (this specific vid by tubesock_ (@tubesock86 here on tumblr) made me add this to the playlist!)

Your Love - The Outfield Steve

More Than a Feeling - Boston classic

Is This Love - Whitesnake there was a specific video by chloeeerenee on tiktok that made me add this song to the playlist but it has since been deleted 😔; also part of my #steddieweek2023 fic

Love Bites - Judas Priest Kas/Vampire!Eddie x Steve vibes, this art by @eddiemunsonrulesmylife, ALSO THE ART FROM THIS ALBUM IS A POSTER IN EDDIE’S TRAILER FROM THE ST SET

Every Breath You Take - The Police this is giving either ghost!eddie still watching over steve OR steve pining after eddie from afar as far back as S2

Kickstart My Heart - Motley Crue i originally thought Eddie would’ve liked this song, but now i’m thinking that steve is the one that ends up liking it and is like ‘oh, you like this right? this is metal?’ and Eddie has to be all 😬😬😬 ‘yeah stevie, i love this song’

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen THEM!! classic 80s song, also this vid by roguealien

Honey, Honey - ABBA Steve

Camel by Camel - Mix Vocal - Sandy Marton this video by @/marcluvr on tiktok

Rock You LIke A Hurricane - Scorpions Eddie

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy) - John Lennon them ❤️ also this edit vid with the album by lordnessly

You Really Got Me - Van Halen Eddie

Starman - David Bowie from a Instagram story by @szczurherbacany; when they posted the first pic on this insta post, had this song on it!! basically, steve's moles/freckles are constellations

Take A Chance On Me - ABBA Eddie wanting Steve to take a chance on him

Turbo Lover - Judas Priest this art by @eddiemunsonrulesmylife

Owner of a Lonely Heart - Yes Steve

Freaks - Surf Curse Eddie coded

Going to Georgia - The Mountain Goats the song for the songfic title “the most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it’s you” and its sequel “frozen with joy right where i stand” by @greatunironic ; AKA steddie fic royalty

The Promise - When In Rome this tiktok from nextjen

(I Just) Died In Your Arms - Cutting Crew Kinda literal lmao sorry

Sweet Leaf - Black Sabbath In my fave steddie fic “The Shire is NOT on Fire” by @kissesforcas, Steve tells Eddie that this song reminds him of his love (Eddie); it makes sense when you read it!.

For Whom The Bell Tolls - Metallica Eddie’d love this song but also this vid specifically from @toktopus-art

Ballroom Blitz - Sweet idk why but this is giving me fruity four vibes OR will be the song that will be playing during S5’s big fight™ and we find out eddie’s still alive and the big fight™ is the party vs. kas!eddie and vecna

Shout - Tears For Fears Steve

Somebody’s Watching Me - Rockwell this vid by roguealien

Dancing In the Dark - Bruce Springsteen Steve coded in general also this art by @mankanar

You’re The One That I Want - John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Sandy!Steve x Danny!Eddie in general, specifically this vid and this vid from toktopus-art

Lovesong - The Cure duh

This Year - The Mountain Goats this vid by roguealien

I Will Follow Him - Peggy March this vid by roguealien

Be My Baby - The Ronettes part 4 to my mixtape fic!

Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money duh! but also i added this to my #steddieweek2023 fic!

Enjoy the Silence - Depeche Mode this vid by vimenage is what made me add this song to the playlist!

I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme) - Treasure Planet soundtrack Eddie coded; seriously makes me emotional thinking about Eddie singing this like wtf

Rewrite The Stars - The Greatest Showman soundtrack in my head this is a AU where Steve is the rich boy that falls for acrobat Eddie; Steve joins the show just as staff to get away from his Dad/family, travel with the show and to learn more about the absolutely enchanting trapeze artist (like Ewan McGregor does in Big Fish but his love is in the show he’s working for). Steve wants to go all in in their relationship and Eddie is wary because he doesn’t trust rich boy Steve (at first) and also he is more cautious of how their relationship would be perceived to anyone outside the showgrounds/performers/their friends and pushes him away because of it.

I Won’t Say I’m in Love - Hercules Soundtrack DUH!!! A classic song for any ship; Eddie is Meg and Steve is Hercules obv. w/ corroded coffin and/or robin and dustin are the muses being like, “we all know you’re down bad for the big hunky jock you can’t fool us eddie.”; bonus! i wrote this!

Misunderstanding - Ninja Sex Party classic angst song (this version cause I personally prefer it over the original)

Radio Ga Ga - Queen I feel like they’d both love this song

Agora Te Puedes Marchar - Luis Miguel this edit from moonysmunson

Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper Steve after Eddie died 🙃

I Want to Know What Love Is - Foreigner Steve when he’s going through is sexuality crisis/figuring out his crush on Eddie

Careless Whisper - Wham! 😏

Crazy For You - Madonna Steve

Heaven - Bryan Adams future steddie!!!! 😭😭😭

St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion) - John Parr Steve coded, thinking he’s the only one who can save everyone and once it’s all over, just being on top of the world being with Eddie and getting the fuck away from his fuckass dad

Broken Wings - Mr. Mister

I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch) - Four Tops Eddie has a soft spot for sappy oldies

All I Ask Of You - Phantom of the Opera soundtrack added this for the steddie fic i wrote where Eddie was a theater kid in school and steve fell for him when he saw Eddie play the Phantom

Necesito Decirte - Conjunto Primavera my hubby found this song after looking for it for a while and the lyrics fit a lost depressed steve after eddie is gone

Tragos Amargos - Ramon Ayala sad sappy songs for eddie music hc, but this time it’s hispanic!eddie(, my love)

Quién Como Tú - Ana Gabriel this vid by corvus_chronicles on tiktok (@corvuschronicles here on tumblr) with hispanic eddie jamming to this while cleaning 🥰

If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher timeloop fics 🫠🙃

Alone - Heart this vid by @becomingfoxes that made me realize i hadn’t put this on my playlist yet????

Bigger Than The Whole Sky -Taylor Swift this edit by mira (@/hellfiresteddie on twitter) FUCKING HELL ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT??? ALSO @strawberryspence and @undreaming-fanfiction's fic of the same name

Welcome to the Black Parade - My Chemical Romance this video 🙃🙃

Teenager in Love - Dion & The Belmonts they really do just be two teenagers in love?? also see prev. explanations about Eddie having a soft spot for sappy oldies because of Wayne

Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar Steve

Boys Don’t Cry - The Cure Steve

Wouldn’t It Be Nice - The Beach Boys It really would be nice if they could just be in love and happy, wouldn’t it?? sorrynotsorry about making this happy sounding song sad

The End of the World - Skeeter Davis Steve being in his feels after Eddie’s gone (Believe it or not, I don’t really like angst, I promise! idk what’s up with me lmao)

Can’t Help Falling In Love - Elvis Presley they really can’t lol

Holding Out for a Hero - Bonnie Tyler Steve deserves a bashing in some UD monsters heads montage to this song; now also included in part 5 of my mixtape fic!

Lady Stardust - David Bowie this tweet about how this song is Flight Risk steddie coded

Something About You - Level 42 Steve

Into the Groove - Madonna Steve

How Will I Know - Whitney Houston Steve

Always Something There to Remind Me - Naked Eyes after eddie dies, steve seeing things everywhere that remind him of eddie

Like a Prayer - Madonna “I’m down on my knees, i wanna take you there”?? 👀

The Man Who Sold the World - David Bowie it’s giving witness protection eddie, maybe WP eddie that even the party thought died but then find him again??

Heartbeat - Wham! this vid by rachelismommytbh on tiktok that inspired my #steddieweek2023 fic!

My Boyfriend’s Back - The Angels this vid 🤗 by @ranebowstitches on tiktok

Out of Touch - Daryl Hall and John Oates Steve worried he might not have the time to get to know the guy that may or may not have made him realize things about himself after the world didn't end. now also part of my #steddieweek2023 fic

Soldier, Poet, King - The Oh Hellos this video from @sam-loves-seb that made me bawl uncontrollably!

Your Kind of Lover - Freddie Mercury this tiktok from @miserablekingsteve ; and now in my #steddieweek2023 fic

Underground - Cody Fry this video by @maatdraws

Object of My Desire - Starpoint this vid that pointed out this is canon Steve music; it plays in the car in s4 e1!

Self Control - Laura Branigan

True - Spandau Ballet

Stephen - Ke$ha you can't tell me that eddie wouldn't sing steve's name to him in this exact tone whenever he sees him after hearing this (either modern au or ELND and they are together through the 2010s etc.)

People Are People - Depeche Mode steve internally being like 'damn why does eddie hate me sm?' i.e. before getting together, after vecna, eddie is still wary of "King Steve"

Forever - KISS this HC post from @undreaming-fanfiction about steve and eddie's first dance to this song at their wedding; now also my #steddieweek2023 fic

The Trooper - Iron Maiden eddie would BODY this guitar!! also this is from the same album that eddie grabs from robin and says "THIS. IS. MUSIC."

Runnin' with the Devil - Van Halen I can see Eddie blasting this through town just to see how offended people get, leaning into the rumors and all that; now also because of my #steddieweek2023 fic

Kiss On My List - Daryl Hall & John Oates Steve; also in my #steddieweek2023 fic

Faithfully - Journey in my head, this one goes like this: at the end of one of his shows, rockstar!eddie says "okay guys, we're about done here, and there's just one more song i want to play for you. it's a little outside of our normal type of thing, but there's a very special someone out there in the crowd who just loves these guys... so, to stevie, thank you for sticking by me through the absolute hell that touring can be, thank you for always being there for me in general really.." he chuckles into the mic, "anyway, this one's for you sunshine." he goes to leave the mic but comes back to mumble out a "also, please don't sue us, journey." and plays this for his steve ❤

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper tbh i’m getting girls day/sleepover at steve’s (robin, nancy, erica, el, max) and he gets pulled into a dance party/sing-off to this song, and afterwards, while they are giving him a makeover, tells the rest of them about his crush on eddie (robin already knows obv)

I Want It All - Queen

Everybody Needs - Danny Elfman this video from @/havisham.hfc on tiktok

Easy Lover - Philip Bailey, Phil Collins

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go - Wham! Steve (duh), but also tbh i saw this edit of my original blorbos and i immediately thought but what if also steddie??

Hold The Line - TOTO “love isn’t always on time”?? it’s giving canon ending to s4 and steve realizing his feelings too late 🙃 also, now in my #steddieweek2023 fic

American Pie - Don McLean this vid by @strawberryspence

Stand by Me - Ben E. King i saw a top 10 songs of the 60s and for some reason this one made my brain go brrrrrrrsteddiebrrrrr

La vie en rose - Louis Armstrong from @ohliooh’s playlist for their fic One Need Not Be A House 🙃

Livin’ on a Prayer - Bon Jovi this post by @sparrowtapes, duh of course steve has a crush on eddie cause he also has a crush on bon jovi

Uptown Girl - Billy Joel steve is the uptown girl he (eddie) is singin' about obv

There Is a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths steve just wanting to get out of his house and away from his lonely thoughts, even before steddie, just being out doing nothing with eddie starts to mean everything to him

Dreams - Van Halen steddie talking about getting their dreams of getting out of hawkins, even before steddie happens

At Last - Etta James my #steddieweek2023 fic

Remains of the Day - Danny Elfman this original corpse groom au by @undreaming-fanfiction that inspired this continuation i did covering the remains of the day scene!!

For the Dancing and the Dreaming - How To Train Your Dragon 2 soundtrack this video by @/stevie.boy_19 on tiktok that WRECKED me 🥰 also included it in my fic here

You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi this video by @/mione.ae on tiktok 🥵🥵

A Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into - Be More Chill soundtrack this video by @toktopus-art

I’ve Got You Under My Skin - Michael Bublé the song from ‘The Proposal’ and the title for @strawberryspence ‘s fic of the same name. the most bestest, most important most au fic ever

Hysteria - Def Leppard this tiktok from @/doodle_soup72

Burnin' for You - Blue Oyster Cult

Lovers In A Dangerous Time - Bruce Cockburn suggested by this lovely anon, these lyrics are super steddie coded

In My Head - Joe Sarafini & Andrew Barth Feldman this video by @/usu_mimi on tiktok (i’ve been assuming this is @usumimi here on tumblr!)

Poison - Alice Cooper Eddie being mad at being down bad for Steve, everything about him being dangerous for Eddie to have feelings for. like, s1 era

Everywhere - Fleetwood Mac Steve AND Eddie (surprisingly/not surprisingly; it's Wayne's fault he likes Stevie Nicks, okay?)

Shadows of the Night - Pat Benetar Steve

Foolish Heart - Steve Perry Steve

Renegade - Styx i've had this one associated with spn/the winchesters in my brain for so long but this post by @roykentt made me see that it's also eddie's song fr fr fr

Never Ending Song - Conan Gray this video from naysa on tiktok that made it so now all i can think of is eddie when i hear this lmao

Would That I - Hozier this video from @tubesock86

Indiana Wants Me - Eddie Taylor this video and art from @rogue-alien

Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow - Freddie Mercury their last night together bc they decided they just don’t work anymore, or eddie is being hauled off into witness protection and won’t be allowed to see steve anymore, hell, even a “you’re getting married tomorrow morning and this is our last night together” vibe. and then i cried.

Dance the Night Away - Freddie Mercury

Work Song - Hozier i got a brainworm about this song and wrote this thing

When I See You Smile - Bad English

If You Love Me (Really Love Me) - Brenda Lee

Back to the Old House - The Smiths this video by @/eliminatolives on tiktok

Little Lies - Fleetwood Mac from this tiktok that i could 100% see being a years later meet cute between the boys (eddie is dancing in the middle of the aisle lmao)

Cheri Cheri Lady - Modern Talking

Talking In Your Sleep - The Romantics steve

Freak of the Week - Freak Kitchen idk i just love this song and i could totally see this beinga song/video Corroded Coffin would do. can you imagine the animated versions of the boys in this video?? iconic

Here I Go Again - Whitesnake

The Boys Of Summer - Don Henley classic song, theme song for summer fling fics in my head (also the title song for this fic by steveharringtoned)

Give Him A Great Big Kiss - The Shangri-Las this little thing by @thefatedthoughtofyou

I Think We're Alone Now - Tommy James & The Shondells

Dial Drunk - Noah Kahan king steve song fr, i hc the person he's calling is his mom and she doesn't answer or tells Hop to just leave him there to teach him a lesson or smth (completely ignoring the fact that he's a high schooler getting drunk on the regular). i have more thoughts about an au where steve writes this song and eddie is a more established star who adds his vocals to it as a re-release but that's for another time.

Run Away to Mars - TALK for this thing i wrote of eddie being the one to sing this about steve

Sherry - Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons tbh i just like this song, but also i can see either finding out the other does too and starting to sing along to it but replacing 'sherry' with 'eddie' or 'stevie' lmao

Holy Diver - Dio duh

Seek & Destroy - Metallica kas!eddie comeback theme song. he and his army of demobats are hunting down the hawkins gang, montage of them all fighting, ending when eddie finds steve backed into a corner with only his bat >:)

As Long As It's Not About Love - Dio from this post by @novakiart

To Be Young Again - Holy Wire this sounds like steddie finding each other again after being something back in the day and now they are wistful about what could have been and also what was

#steddie #mine #steddie playlist #spotify #spoofy #steve harrington #eddie munson #st #stranger things #st hc #stranger things hc #stranger things playlist #ref #Spotify

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whatnotmemes · 2 years ago

Text

-------------------BO BURNHAM’S INSIDE OUTTAKES SENTENCE STARTERS change as needed. language, adult content, mentions of mental illness.

“I’m going a little crazy.” “I don’t have a kid. I crochet instead.” “I’ll bother getting better when I bother getting dressed.” ”I’m living in the future.” “Am I kinda hot?” “I’m just hoping I can write or film something soon that’s usable, or I’m just gonna stop and play PlayStation.” “Is this fucking doing anything?” “Is this looking cool or just fucking stupid?” “I’m a stupid little bitch!” “I just wanna feel good.” “I’m not even close to kidding.” “I wanna know when Dippin’ Dots is going to condemn child sex trafficking.” “Maybe I’ll feel better when I got to bed.” “I wrote a joke. Wanna hear it?” “If your least favorite word is ‘moist’ and you tell people that, I hate you.” “My least favorite word, by the way, is ‘injustice.’” “I wrote a song for you.” “You’re an adult. You can figure it out.” “You think I am the worst.” “Why would you assume that you’re entitled to a dumpling?” “I don’t wanna fight so let’s just drop this- it’s not a big deal.” “You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent.” “Um no, fuck that.” “Your whole worldview collapses the moment there’s a spider.” “I get it, this is the real you. It’s a pleasure. Nice to meet you.” “Shit like this brings the movement down.” “Everyone’s a feminist until there is a spider around.” “Our culture has been taken over by a radical group of SJW feminist freaks.” “Now we��re fucking talking.” “Offer yourself by being yourself. And if that doesn’t work, be somebody else.” “Who you are on a fundamental, sort of unchangeable level, may just be uninteresting.” “How is the best case scenario Joe Biden?” “Soon after I posted my first couple videos, they went viral.” “There’s a lot of material that I’m just really embarrassed by and makes me cringe for a lot of reasons.” “I often wish that I could just, you know, start over.” “Fuck you, dude. Fuck you, alright?” “I ain’t afraid of no spider.” “It’s very upsetting that the future is in front of now, do you know what I mean? Like that we have to keep living from now onward.” “This isn’t a joke, so don’t joke about it.” “I don’t wanna talk about it.” “I’m doing fine. Twenty-nine, in my prime.” “I am a weird looking dude.” “You’re supposed to see the top of your head when you come out of your mother’s pussy, but you saw my face. I came out face first.” “Other days, like today, I just feel like I’m completely spinning my wheels and wasting my time.” “I’ve been eating these things for basically every meal for the past six months.” “I’m using a paper plate. I know they’re bad for the environment but I’d rather put a gun in my mouth than do another dish.” “We could and would and should have done better.” “Our doing isn’t done and our done-ing isn’t did, okay? So know that.” “We are living in a golden age of content.” “Time is still, you know, passing.” “It’s only a problem when you go outside.” “I’m done being sad.” “Am I going crazy? Maybe, maybe not.” “Pray for us.” “The more I wait for it, the more shitty I feel and look.” “I realized the only way this thing is going to stop is if I stop doing it, so I’m going to stop.” “She likes her life as a mother and wife, but is that all she is?” “Her future is waiting right there for the taking.” “The chicken must first cross the road.” “I’m an adult man in a baseball hat.” “I don’t know what’s happening.” “What the fuck is going on?”

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technowoah · 3 years ago

Text

Cant Handle This

Quackity's facade keeps breaking, and he tries to keep the pieces together. You're the only one who can make him show his true self

- Quackity x gen neutral reader

- this is a long one yall.

Now playing...

Can't Handle This (Kanye Rant)

Bo Burnham

0:01 ─●──────── 3:29

⚠︎ swearing, angst, mentions of mcyttwt, based on the song above, and ofc its not proofread

Part of my Inside Special!

Quackity sat in his chair currently streaming right now, he seemed like he was having a good time from your spot on his bed. You were currently laying on his bed after he invited you here to relax.

You two had laid in his bed just enjoying eachothers company until he got a call from Tommy saying he was ready for the lore stream which sent Alex into a frenzy. Alex sent out a quick "Im sorry" about the lateness of his stream and then quickly set everything up.

He then started to stream which left you alone on the the bed to your own devices. You were scrolling through Twitter looking at Alex's fans talk about what's happening on the stream and posting screenshots of his character and himself.

You admired him from afar as he ended the lore part of his stream, he took time to type on his phone to text you that he decided to stream longer to talk to his fans. He looked to you and you have him a nod with a smile and he gave one back.

"Hey guys! That's the end of the lore!" He exclaimed to his chat as he types at his computer setting a new background.

You continued to listen to him praise his chat for supporting him and making him be able to make those types of streams. You were always proud of Alex no matter what he did, you were always his number one supporter no matter what happened in reality or on the internet.

"So anyways! I wanted to talk to you guys! How are you all?" He smiled at his camera looking back and forth from his chat.

◇T0mm71nn1t: THE STREAM WAS SO GOOD QUACKITY

"Oh thank you! Im glad I could share this with you. It takes so much to put into these movite type streams, so I know now it is all worth it."

Quackity's pov. . .

He felt so overwhelmed, he shouldn't have began to stream again. The stress of putting everything together, plus being late to the stream made him rush into it more. He just wanted to lay back down with his lover who was enjoying watching him stream, and that's the goal he wants. His goal was to entertain, it was his job and he doesn't want to fail, he doesn't want to crack.

◇Mayatooni3: WE LOVE YOU QUACKITY

◇catiiequak: QUACKITY ITS MY BIRTHDAY CAN I GET A HAPPY BIRTHDAY??

◇yriaaolic: 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

"Happy Birthday!" He said seeing the comment pass in a second. "Happy Birthday to anyone who's Birthday it is today."

Right now it was hard. It was hard to keep up when there was always a constant demand, the constant need to be perfect, his past being brought up, and trying to one-up his content everytime. He loved this, but at the same time it had the same weight as a job.

In the back of his mind he knew the "When is Quackity streaming???" is mostly lighthearted, he never wants to leave.

"Quack are you okay? Im fine! Just thinking about how to get something to eat at 2am." He laughed lying to his fans, he wanted to stop this stream.

He kept looking over to his lover lying their head on his pillow scrolling through their phone and alternating their vision from him and their phone. He always caught a glimpse of their small smile everytime he looked. He was doing something right.

"Do yall think Taco Bell is open? The only problem I have is that Im fucking starving."

He paused for a moment taking a deep breath trying to keep his emotions down. The stress was getting to him, and he fucking knew it, but he didnt stop. He was going to get burnt out eventually and stop streaming and YouTube all together, but he needed this. He needed a break, he needed to take time for himself and stop putting on a happy face when he isnt.

TTS ◇pulixsaxe: "Did you see what was happening on Twitter quackity?"

"Wait what's happening on Twitter?" He asked with a weary laugh.

I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are

Pringle cans, and burritos

The truth is, my biggest problem's you,

Your eyes widened as he mentioned Twitter. Truth be told he was trending because of his stream, yes, but also they brung up stuff from his past again in the wake of another content creator's past or present being brought up. You hadn't paid attention to that, you were only getting fueled up from Twitter bringing up an issue that he already had addressed.

Tempted to speak and tell him its fine, he already spoke up before you.

"I bet it's fine! I dont wanna... I don't need to look." He said with a smile. He always had that smile on.

Either it was a full smile or a half smile. It never left his face and it comforted you somehow. Maybe it was that you were his significant other, but you always wondered if anyone saw the same things as you. The things like his smile that never left his face.

"Yeah! I dont need to look at that." He waved his hand dismissing the comment away. He then sighed letting his shoulders relax as you saw his smile fade and his eyes close for a second and immediately put that small smile back on his face while his eyes were glossy, but bright.

He needed to end this stream soon. You saw his face fall then in a split second come back to life except his eyes were glossy with tears. You wondered if anyone else noticed.

"I want to please you

But I want to stay true to myself

I want to give you the night out that you deserve"

His eyes tearful as he tried to blink them away trying to not make a scene.

"Sorry! Allergies ugh!" He said as he wiped his tears away claiming them as allergies.

"Are you crying? No! Im not a pussy!" He yelled at his chat in a joking manner.

He was crying and he felt weak. He felt emotionally weak, and weak as in not strong, he didn't feel strong and his lover who was sitting on his bed with a concerned look on their face always told him that it's okay to feel weak. The only meaningful thing is how you pick yourself up, they always told him, bur now he felt at rock bottom.

He wanted to give his fans "himself", the goofy, lovable, loud, quick-witted, Quackity. But then again his lover always told him to separate Quackity from Alex. He wanted to give himself to his audience, he wanted to be authentic and share himself, but he cant. Alex isn't all laughs, he is serious, calmer, and when he gets on the screen is when he lets it all out then goes back to his more calmer self. That's not what they want.

"But I want to say what I think

And not care what you think about it"

Giving himself meant dialing back, he wants to tell how hes actually feeling, he wants to say what he thinks about Twitter, what he thinks about certain friends, about his fanbase, and then leave it alone. He wanted to delete social media and then speak his mind without knowing what anyone is saying about it. It was paradise to him, but of course it cant be that way and that's what he hates. He feels like a actor when he really wants to be himself.

"A part of me loves you,"

Alex loved his fanbase, he had such a supportive fanbase that loved his content. Some of them did atleast he didn't fully know, but they gave him the courage to do this time and time again knowing that his content is at least taking them from the harsh reality of real life for a few minutes or hours. This was the reason he did this, for them.

Alex would never admit this but they boosted his ego too, it would for anyone. The fact that there were people who wanted and enjoyed content from him made him feel good about himself.

"part of me hates you"

He hated the contant criticisms, he hates that they feed his ego so much that it makes him want to stream more to feel good about himself and to make people get away for awhile. Alex knew inside of his heart he couldn't truly hate his fanbase, they gave him everything he ever wanted. He hates them for that and that's such a scary thing. He never fails to wonder if he did the things to deserve all the love and hate he gets.

"Part of me needs you,"

They feed his ego, they make him want to go above and beyond. Alex knows that his fanbase is the reason he is here in this chair infront of three expensive monitors. He knows that this is some sort of a job that he needed. He needed the push to keep going and that was them, it was the 200k people watching his stream watching him answer questions about him and

"part of me fears you"

He was fearful of loosing himself to them. Loosing his authenticity to them was something he feared. He didnt want his funny, loud persona to consume him and make him forget about Alex instead of Quackity. He fears what they think as well, he claims he doesnt care, but he does he wants to please them. It feels like two parts of his brain fighting about if he should care or not.

"And I don't think that I can handle this right now"

The text-to-speech bot continued to speak out people's comments that theu paid for while he sat there quietly. He bit his bottom lip trying to not break down infront of everyone he needed to be strong. He needed to be strong.

If he looked up at the camera everyone would see his tears, they would see him breaking.

He played it off as he brough his shirt up to wipe the tears away, claiming it as sweat.

"Im good! Im sorry I spaced out for a second." He shook his head.

He saw you look at him with that same concerned look on your face. As he switched his gaze between you and his computer, he felt his tears come back again.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"Alex." You tried to get his attention.

"Yeah guys Im fine!"

"Alex"

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"I have plans later for another lore stream, so Ill start doing that later tonight."

"ALEX!" You yelled and his head turned around to face you.

"What?" He laughed, biting his lip again.

You couldn't stop him doing this, you could try to course him into going to bed, but right now you couldn't find the words. You just stared at him while he looked at you with a somber smile trying to tell you that he was okay.

He felt his mind telling himself that he need to rest. He wouldnt allow himself to and thats why he was breaking down.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

Alex was blinking rapidly trying to keep his breathing and tears at bay while he answered his fans.

"My allergies are fine! And I drank water today."

◇moonchild21: WE LOVE YOU

◇sopusand: Why do you look like that?

◇wuackityoo: are you crying??

"Crying is for the weak! I am a strong manly man! Im crying cause I noticed how alpha I am!" He tried to play it off as a "Im a man" joke but you could see right through it.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

You had sent a quick text to Alex which told him to end the stream for his own mental health, but he left the message unread. He began sniffing and the wiping his eyes again. It was a wreck and you couldn't seem to stop it without literally dragging him out of his chair.

Meanwhile the screens were getting to Alex. Alex's eyes were getting tired of the bright screens and the rapid messages that popped up on the screen overwhelmed him for what it seemed like the first time ever in his strraming career. He wanted to give them the fun night they deserved and wanted, but he knows it's getting hard to. He dosent know how long he can keep this up.

As Alex kept joking around about his eyes and physical state the chat was filled with "LMAO" and "HAHAHA" which fuled him more and then at the same time makes him want to stop.

Look at them, they're just staring at me, like

"Come and watch the skinny kid with a

Steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts

To give you what he cannot give himself"

He cannot give himself the luxury of happiness. As he went on with his career it became more and more like a chore, there was mostly down days and of course there were up days, but recently Alex gave his fans the happiness and laughes they wanted while when he turned off the camera he couldn't replicate that same energy as he had before.

It messed him up, he felt himself become separated from his streaming. He wasn't being himself anymore he was being Quackity and that became more apparent as the days passed. He wanted to be himself on camera and at first thats what he thought he was doing. He was himself then it turned into a persona.

Alex wasn't okay and he he needed to take a break from the internet for a while, but he tries to act like he dosent have a dilemma going on inside of his head everytime he sits in this seat. Its for the fans.

"Think that I can handle this right-

I don't think that I can handle this right-

They don't even know the half of this right-

They don't even know the half of it"

"Alex you need to end the stream. Please?"

He looked towards you again where you moved your position from the middle of the bed to sitting up on the end of the bed.

"Ive told you millions of times." He paused for a moment looking down at his lap before looking back up to you. "Im-Im okay." He nodded trying to convince you.

"But I know I'm not a doctor, I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show

I should probably just shut up and do my job, so here I go"

"Cant you belive them!" He laughed to his camera. You scoffed at his comment but still kept an eye on him as he talked.

You didnt need to baby him at all, but right now you were worried about your lover.

Alex continued talking and talking, which you drowned out. You were focused on his face and how he faltered time to time just showing a small frown.

He laughed and showed them a good time even though he was hurting. He kept going and going and you were convinced he was going to hold out until you heard him sniff multiple times while trying to make a joke about the new Minecraft update and how the glow squid has no use.

"Stupid ass squid! Why- why? Its no use expect for glowing ink. Who voted for that!?"

You can tell them anything if you just make it funny, make it rhyme

And if they still don't understand you, then you run it one more time

"Dumbass squid!" He pulled up a picture if the squid as he yelled at it.

You began to worry even more as you saw tears running down his face. He quickly tried to wipe them away, but he knew everyone saw.

Handle this right

You don't even know the half of this right now

Right now (Haa!)

Now

Handle this right

I'll handle this right, I handle this right now

Alex leaned back in his seat and had a blank stare towards the monitor. Looked down for a second and then you heard sobbing coming from his spot. Alex had his head in his hands and was crying harshly into them.

He had finally broken, he couldn't stop the tears from coming and the loud sobs that came from his mouth. He was trying to desperately breathe in to be able to sob, but ended up hiccuping while doing so.

Your eyes widened as you rushed to him resting your hand on his knees and you kneeling infront of him.

"I cant do fu-fucking anything!" He yelled into his hands.

"Hey! I know. Its okay." You tried to console him.

"Its not I try so hard! And I-"

You cut him off. "You are a hard worker Alex and you deserve a week or two off. Take care of you self babe." You stood up bringing his hand with you and trying to make him stand up. He followed your movements and stood up with you putting his head on your shoulder crying into it.

"I just ca-cant right now!"

"You dont have to do anything right now babe."

"Im sorry!" Alex sobbed.

"Dont be." You said bluntly trying to get your lover to calm down.

You rubbed his back soothingly as he sniffled into your shoulder. "Im sorry for ruining your shirt." He tried to laugh through his tears.

"Dont be sorry! Please. You just need rest okay?" You kissed his forehead and he nodded in response.

Alex raised his head up an started to pepper kisses all over your face as you laughed. He gave you one last peck on the lips as he walked away to quickly change into night clothes. You smiled as he laid underneath the covers and continued to softly cry into his sheets. At least he was in bed and not makijg himself even worse.

He couldn't stop the tears from flowing, it was like a flood that could only be stopped with time. He felt like a boulder was lifted off his shoulders only to be replaced with smaller rocks. The smaller rocks was the guilt he held. He felt guilty of making his lover worry about him, he didnt want you to worry.

You rushed over to his desk and turned off the stream and his computers not even bothering to give them a goodnight or goodbye. After the computer lights were turned off it was quite dark in the room except for small light.

Finally you were where you wanted to be all day, in bed with Alex. But this wasnt the predicament you wanted.

"Forgive me. I just cant do shit right can I?" His eyes were still full of tears and he was getting tired.

"Alex dont listen to anyone but yourself." You tried to console him.

"That's what I'm telling myself."

Silence filled the room as you looked at him through tearful eyes of your own.

"Alex, you're so amazing and I cant even tell you how much I appreciate you, and how much you change my life. You do so much shit right its scary sometimes. Some days I think you're perfect, but there's-"

"There's no such thing as perfect." Alex finished your sentence.

"Exactly! Even the best people have their downfalls, they just dont show it. And Alex I know you struggle with that! All I can say is that I love you for you." You finished.

"Can I talk to you about my dilemmas?" He tried to laugh again.

"Tomorrow we can talk. We both need the rest." You said to him as he closed his eyes and nodded in response. He gave you a kiss on you lips before laying back down to sleep.

"Thank you."

"Thank you

Good night

I hope you're happy"

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