#bloody amazeballs

[hancocksbitch]

@courtingchaos' Professor Munson lives rent-free in my head. I even stop by daily to do the laundry, water the plants and get dinner ready.

[clarityofblue]

Fuck you, gif sets

I think it’s just me, but boy howdy do I get fucking enraged when I check out a blog and it’s just a wall of bloody gif sets taking foreveral to load and they’re not even gif sets I can relate to. Like, your art is amazeballs and I want to see all of it but I’m lost in THIS FUCKING FOREST OF GIF SETS

[mint-yooxgi]

hi , its me, the yandere bff chenle 😔 ik ur pretty loaded with rqsts but could i have 1 more yan chenle? Maybe reader somehow finds out his feelings for her by accident and out of panic she decides to just ghost him and he confronts her about it? And maybe gets just a lil bit too yandere when he expresses how hurt he is with reader thank u in advance 😭 ur works are amazeballs

Part One

***

Just as you sit down to have lunch one Sunday afternoon, a sudden knocking at your door has a sigh escaping your lips. You have no idea who that could be, and from the frantic banging of their fist on your door, it seems urgent.

“Okay, okay,” you huff out, “I’m coming! Sheesh!”

Flinging open the door, you’re about to ask whoever it is what they want when you see who exactly is standing on the other side.

“Oh, so now you answer?” Chenle storms past you right into your apartment, an angry furrow to his brow.

“No, no, please do come in,” you roll your eyes, letting the door fall shut behind you as you turn around, crossing your arms in front of your chest. “What are you-”

“You seriously can’t be about to ask me what the hell I'm doing here.” He seethes, rounding on you. “You’ve been ignoring me, your best friend,” he spits out the words, “for two bloody weeks!”

You purse your lips. He’s got you there. 

Ever since you found out about Chenle’s not so secret crush on you, you’ve felt a little awkward about your friendship to say the least. You don’t even remember who it was that told you, but once you knew, you knew. Everything he’s done, everything he does towards you now all makes sense.

No wonder he got so jealous about Taeyong.

“Right,” you trail off, “best friend.”

Chenle pauses, “the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to keep secrets from one another.” Your voice comes out smaller than you had hoped, wrapping your arms around yourself now for comfort.

“You mean like what you’re doing right now?” He counters with a slight tilt to his head. “Do you know what it’s like not to talk to you for more than a day? How it feels to have the person you’re closest to go radio silent on you out of the blue? To watch the person you’re in love with ignore you, and instead pine over other people right in front of your very eyes? Yet, you try to tell them that the two of you are perfect for each other, hell, you’ve been best friends for years, but when push comes to shove they just toss you aside like you mean nothing to them when they mean everything to you.”

You swallow the sudden dryness in your throat as he begins to slowly advance towards you until he’s standing right in front of you, your back pressed right up against the wall.

“I tried playing nice. I tried to play fair and give it time, but I'm done.” He spits, eyes dark as he meets your gaze. “You are mine, whether you like it or not, and I am yours.”

“Chenle-”

“And I'm not taking ‘no’ for an answer.”

[hancocksbitch]

Well hello there...

Ruby Lennox - Sole Survivor, Nuka-World Overboss

[docnickie]

Slight Cobra Kai spoilers…

Whooooeee if you like hot guys getting beaten up and bloody - and who doesn’t! - that last finale was 🙌🏻. I has the most amazeballs dream about Zabka afterwards.

[witchie-writings]

Hi, your copperhead imagines ARE STILL AMAZEBALLS! I still can't stop re-reading it. And, here's the thing, don't mean to be a nuisance, but I was wanting to ask if you could please make another one, like, where the S/O is chubby and short, or some shit, please, Im quite thirsty, and there is no form of liquid enough to quench my thirst.

Warnings: None

Pairings: Copperhead/Reader

Word Count: 311

From the Author: super sorry for taking so long with these! hopefully you enjoy wiasngiagn

More under the cut!

Honest to god I fully believe Copperhead prefers his mates to be chubby and short

To him, you’re practically a human pillow that he cuddles and lays on like a lazy cat whenever the hell he pleases

One day while you were baking some goodies for him to take on his murder trip, Sameer suddenly drapes himself on top of you

That day is when you lectured him to not distract you or else half the kitchen will be charred in black

Sameer practically drinks in the hilarious times your height foiled you, finding himself holding your favorite snacks above your head or watching you desperately climb up a file cabinet to look for the bills

Did I mention you’re officially now labelled as his heater unit? Because that is exactly what you’ve become for Sameer, and you have conflicted feelings about it

Captain Boomerang would keep calling you heater unit to no end when Copperhead wasn’t around, though he was quick to bite his tongue when he got a nasty glare from behind him

Aside from Deadshot, Sameer despises you being around the rest of the Suicide Squad, especially Harley. Around her, he is fiercely over-protective of you and will end her life if oversteps any bounds

If anyone, and I mean anyone (it doesn’t matter if they’re Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, or whoever), absolutely no one insults you. Sameer WILL kill them, he promises them a slow, painful death

Oh, you get snakey cuddles too if you ever feel insecure about yourself, followed by endless praise and hot chocolate

Copperhead enjoyds leaving all sorts of marks around your body, primarily bite marks that don't break the skin; his favorite places is your collarbone and thighs

He WILL carry you around when he wants, no buts or fusses about it. You feel so nice in his arms, it's bloody intoxicating

[kendrene]

Inspired by and blamed on @narraboths

Fall is Kara’s favorite Earth season.

On Krypton things were different, the weather engineered. Trees spliced and genetically enhanced so that they remained green all year round, flowers blooming regardless of the temperature.

She still remembers her first fall in her new home with fondness, how open-mouthed she had been when the leaves started to fall, a rain of fire onto the ground. She still collects a few each season – the brighter reds, oranges and yellows she can find – and it makes her particularly happy when the people she’s closest with pick up on the hobby, and bring her a selection of their own.

“It’s like a treasure hunt,” she explains to Lena on a rainy afternoon, the clouds so low and bloated they look like they will fall on the ground any minute. “You go out there and you’ll never know what sort of leaf you’ll come home with.”

But the leaves, albeit important, are not the reason she’s so in love with fall. Neither are the cups of hot cocoa she indulges in without remorse, or the temperatures, which drop ever so gently toward winter.

It’s not the scarves she wraps around her neck when it’s chilly in the morning, a different color for each day of the week, and while she loves Halloween with the endless horror movie marathons Lena “forces” her to watch, that’s not her top favorite thing either.

Those films sometimes keep her up at night – a weird thing to admit for someone used to fighting intergalactic menaces on the regular – but Kara subjects herself to the nightmares willingly. Anything for an excuse to burrow her face in the crook of Lena’s neck and let someone else be the brave one protecting her.

Admittedly, Noonan’s special lattes are a close second, along with the fact she insists on dressing up as Supergirl for the DEO Halloween party – just to drive Alex nuts when she decides, backed by Nia, to go trick or treating the way every self-loving adult should.

(one year they talked Lena into dressing as the Green Lantern and it was awesome.)

But no.

These things obviously make the top ten, because duh, but the super, bestest, most-awesome, most-amazeballs, cowabunga thing is Lena herself.

Fall-Lena, to be precise.

Fall-Lena is a rare animal indeed, her behavior strange and contrary to every other creature that hibernates. Fall-Lena remains dormant for most of the year – three seasons give or take – but as soon as the days shorten and the air acquires the specific bite Kara associates with September and pumpkin spice lattes, Fall-Lena shily pokes her head out.

It takes her a few days to fully manifest, bleary-eyed and blinking as she is at the world she left behind a year earlier, but when she does fully emerge from wherever she retreats to when in hiding, the change is swift. Near instantaneous.

Kara’s trained herself to spot the signs. They’re subtle shifts during the week, thicker stockings and a heavier coat to go over Fall-Lena’s severe attire. An umbrella stand appearing in her office. Gloves to cover her hands in the early morning.

But on the weekends, when they’re home alone… oh, the weekends are a different matter altogether.

On weekends Fall-Lena dons the softest jumpers known to man, lets her hair down, a dark waterfall Kara loves to tangle her hands into. On weekends she’s warm smiles and ruddy cheeks, mugs of hot tea and old books Kara bought for her at the flea market. And, if Kara isn’t careful, Fall-Lena will jump at every chance she gets to stick her bloody cold hands down her back.

Although, to be fair, Kara seldom tries to stop her. She loves the feeling of her fingers on bare skin too much to.

“I wish Fall-Lena would be a thing all-year round.” She mentions idly over breakfast, mowing through half of her stack of pancakes before realizing Lena’s stopped eating entirely and is staring across the table with a frown.

“Fall-Lena?” She asks, quirking an eyebrow. Her eyes are dark and intent, but curious not angry.

Kara realizes she’s never shared her theory with its subject and spends the next ten minutes stuttering through it as she brings her up to speed.

“Oh.” Is all Lena says when she is done talking. “I didn’t realize I do that.” She bites her lower lip in the way that always makes Kara want to put aside whatever she is doing – even if it pertains to world-saving – and kiss her. “Maybe you could help me keep Fall-Lena around all the time?”

It takes them a whole year of trying, of Lena learning to shut down her work phone first thing when she gets home Friday night. Of Jess (Rao bless her) refusing to answer her frantic calls on Sunday morning the way she’s always done. Of Lena breaking down and crying in the beginning, afraid that she’s letting Kara down when she doesn’t manage to relax and put worries aside even though she tries.

They spiral down together, like leaves falling to the ground, but together they’re back on their tree again come spring.

Until, one year later, Fall-Lena becomes Lena-All-Year-Round.

[hancocksbitch]

Not quite sure why, but I audibly squealed when I saw this.

Julie and Deacon

@falloutober day 13: Civilisation

Julie struggled with the ‘new’ world when she first left vault 111, but her discovery of a working camera helps to ground her a little.

Deacon definitely isn’t keen on the camera, for obvious reasons - but he does bend slightly, especially after the institute is destroyed.

This picture is them getting ready to work a job in Goodneighbor as a glamorous couple spending way too much money in the Third Rail. Here’s hoping they get the intel they need from the patrons.

[hancocksbitch]

I can't get out of my head the idea of @cranberrymoons Steve in their (bloody amazeballs) future fic unwittingly becoming this androgynous, gender bending style icon, as rockstar Eddies spouse, long before "it was cool" and being held as a inspiration for people like Lil Nas X and Harry Styles in the 2020:s. Like, his legacy apart from being a caregiver, parent and tutor being that he gave young people growing up in the 2000:s a role model simply by allowing himself to express himself and be who he wanted to be, unapologetically.

😍

[cherienymphe]

youd totally be spoiling us but im might reach nirvana if u tell us coz holy shit. how does 10th commandment steves behaviour towards the reader change after the incident? and how does the worlds perception of him changes after (im assuming) he beat bucky bloody n an inch away frm death at the gala? I ADORE U SO MYCH LIKE--- ur writing is amazeballs n shit u spoil me so much with the gift of ur content

He's a lot more protective of the reader and maybe even a little paranoid. It's understandable though considering Bucky was his best friend and this happened right under his nose. And you're right! It did happen right there for everyone to see and while most assume that he had a good reason (especially after Bucky leaves the avengers on his own, clueing them in on something serious happening), it was shocking for a lot of people to see captain America get like that in a civilian setting towards someone who is supposed to be a friend

[guenthergroup]

If the Cascadia Pizza truck ever rolls into your neighborhood…GO!! It was walking distance from our house, and bloody delicious. Kids loved it. . . *** #pizzatruck #cascadiapizzaco #bloodydelicious #amazeballs #pizzatime🍕 #westseattlelove #gobabygo (at Beautiful West Seattle) https://www.instagram.com/p/CLo97EXAz1w/?igshid=zkurmucihfcr

[tajiklove]

Prior to this creation, I found Wolfstar meh. This masterpiece alone has made Wolfstar a hell yes for me

Baby’s first Wolfstar drawing ✨

Remus is so bi I don’t know what to tell you. I adore him and his little dad sweaters and his long limbs sprawled all over the place. I like drawing them happy because it hurts otherwise. Also no lie I adore Remus and Tonks together too ya know? Plus Teddy is such a treat of character potential I dunno! Just thoughts.

[luciferloveschloe]

s5 thoughts

okay, holy crap. so this is probably going to be long and rambly, and i’m writing it without having seen a single gif set or reaction from the fandom – scary. anyway, more below the cut! also spoilers, obviously.

first of all, asjsdklasjsjsjajkfds – i loved it so freaking much. canon deckerstar, fucking finally???? that sweet kiss in ep5? them not immediately breaking up again and instead working together on the issues they’re facing!? omg. it had so many amazing moments, and so many great stories for our characters, and so many little weird things that have always defined this show, and i am so so happy with it!!!

have some thoughts on every ep! i’ve only seen it once so this is far from elaborate meta, but i have to scream into the void somewhere before i dive into the madness of my dashboard. a little cautionary: there’ll be a bit negativity, but I’ll always put it in brackets so you can skip it easily.

5x01: really sad devil guy

i guessed mr. said out bitch would turn up in hell, and it was such a cool episode! i loved how they interwove it and showed lucifer ruling hell and them solving the case at the same time. and how michael showed up? they almost had me fooled there that it was actually lucifer. well done!

(the thought that it has already been thousands of years for lucifer again is so incredibly sad, like i really can’t think about it for long. an old otp of mine was separated for 20 years and i’ve always found it unbelievably cruel, so thousands of years is just… i don’t care that he’s used to greater spans of time, i really can’t think about it for long. and i don’t like that everybody just accepted that he’s gone now. that there was no rescue plan or anything like that.)

5x02: lucifer! lucifer! lucifer!

friggin’ michael, seriously. amazing scene with the wings though! and chloe bringing burgers and fries to the penthouse, omg. and that ending with her shooting him?? and that she knew something was wrong since their first kiss? i screamed. you go girl!! i was getting kinda worried through the episode but this ending was perfect. and a nice little nugget of knowledge regarding what they’re thinking about lucifer in heaven. very curious what michael’s grand plan turns out to be and what god’ll have to say to all of that!

(maze though. i get she’s going through a lot and i do emphatize with her but the constant scheming… i don’t know if i’ll ever really warm up to her.)

5x03: diablo!

the clowns in the hell loop, lmao. and their actual reunion and lucifer’s soft smile and chloe immediately embracing him again and them holding hands – someone hold me. of bloody course everything went to shit right after, but this was so very sweet! and lucifer bonding with dan, amazing. and the meta of course, lmao. their confrontation at the end ripped my heart out, but it hurt so good.

(the michael/lucifer fight wasn’t as spectacular as i’d hoped, but whatever!)

5x04: it never ends well for the chicken

unexpected, but totally awesome! such a fun ep, and i love that we finally know the backstory for his ring! and step-satan, yay!

(trixie kinda playing lucifer for maze felt a little icky, though, and i’d have loved it if they confirmed that she actually believes in him being the devil.)

5x05: detective amenadiel

again, lucifer and dan bonding, amazing! the case was pretty fun too, but amenadiel’s revelation was the best by far. i’ve never exactly thought of the whole miracle/immunity situation like that, but it’s such a great interpretation. it’s not that lucifer finally has a challenge in chloe, it’s that she’s the only human with a chance to see him and love him for who he really is, and… damn. if that isn’t some big romantic shit. and i bloody loved the kiss at the piano!!

5x06: blueballz

these little loved up idiots holding hands and flirting on the case?! aiaiaiai can you tell i’m still smiling from ear to ear??! lucifer being jealous and tribe night and the guys collectively trying to calm charlie down… amazeballs. also dan reveal? did not see that coming, not at all, but it was a nice punch to the gut after they finally got along again and lucifer even wore his stupid bracelet. and new devil face, again! this one’s actually a little bit scarier than the last one. and the deckerstar sex scene, for real, without interruption? loved it, loved that chloe was apparently on top and his awed little “incredible…” – be still my heart!!

(i mean i’m greedy and it could have been longer or more explicit but i get that filming these scenes sucks and that’s what fanfic is for, anyway.)

5x07: our mojo

i melted at the morning after scene!! and did not see the mojo storyline coming at all, but it was fun, and they’re such a great team together! dan’s scene at charlotte’s grave was so powerful. and the scene in the flower shop, I could only think of @thewolffgang’s fic! chloe hyping lucifer up was so sweet, but then it was so scary seeing him paralyzed like that. that sweet penthouse balcony scene, and then dan trying to ruin the evening. i don’t know what it means that he’s not vulnerable around her anymore (and i don’t necessarily like it) but i hope they’ll resolve it together in the second half of the season.

5x08: spoiler alert

just, holy crap. these last episodes really had me at the edge of my seat. watching lucifer realize chloe’s been kidnapped?? painful, but good shit, good good shit. him thinking they’re too late and chloe is already dead? god, no. that little “detective?” broke my heart. but him doing all the detective work? amazing. i was so bummed for ella though!! i really thought pete was a good guy, but oh well. so creepy, omg. i’m so grateful that there was no cliffhanger with chloe’s rescue. i really, really liked how god showed up at the last second. can i have the next episodes now, pretty please??

(what was the point of charlie’s flu, though? and wtf does michael think he’s doing? and maze, really, with the questionable alliances?)

overall i feel like s4 felt a little tighter or more coherent, but i don’t care because deckerstar is finally canon and there’s a ton of great potential for the next half and i’m so deliriously happy because of that. yay! going to check my dashboard now, wish me luck!

[osamusriceballs]

Yes! Blue Exorcist is one of the main things I reblog all the time on here hahah my icon is a B.E. character (Shima) with an OC I made for him and Sunny 🌻 drew it!

Buuuuut if I had to choose a favorite fandom I would have to choose the Haikyuu!! fandom cuz like y'all are so nice and really open to a lot of stuff. Other animes I watch have weird, strict fandoms 😖 but my all time fave Anime would be Elfen Lied. Though it really doesn't really have a dandom that I have notice since not a lot of ppl have even heard of it 😫 but I freaking love it!

And girl I ain't ever going back. You stuck with me forevah now 👌😁 you can still call me Sqiddy if ya like. A lot of the servers and stuff I use the nickname Rae. So which ever Miss Eve wants to use! 🥰

OMG don't even get me started on how many pictures I have of my boi. We already have canvases on the walls! He is so loved it's out of this world 💕👶

Also!! I saw that first kinktober prompt!! And. I. Loved. It. Tanaka is super underappreciated I feel so what you wrote was amazeballs!! 👊 I noticed some empty slots on the master list. Trying to think of something before time runs out! 😋

Anywaaaay have a good day Eve! 💕

THE WAY YOU WROTE BLUE EXORCIST IN BLUE WOAH- SO MANY PUNS IN THIS ONE AVHH I LOVE IT!! 💖💖💖

That’s so cute omg 😫 I love shima too 🥺💖 and SUNNY DREW IT AHH- SHE IS SO TALENTED- spare a crumb pls 🥺 an original character- what’s their name? 🥺 and that’s just so adorable, i can’t ahhh!! 😫😫

Yea, that Haikyuu fandom is just overall adorable 🥺 supportive and so nice ahhh- 😫😫💖 they are amazing ✊🏻💖 like- you can basically ship every character with anyone- and everyone will be like: Ahhh that‘s so adorable, they are such a cute pair!! And no one would ever get mad 🥺

Ohh, I know about Elfen lied, but people always tell me that it’s violent and bloody? So I didn‘t watch it yet- but I’ll give it a try!! 👈🏻

NO WAY BACK THEN! I MAKE MY DECISIONS AND I STICK TO THEM! 💖 hmm, that’s a really hard decision- I’ll probably use both? Cause squiddy is like our thing, but I also like Rae a lot!! 💖

I‘m sure that he feels loved too!! 💖🥺 he doesn‘t even need a mirror, cause his picture is everywhere hahaha- okay that one was bad, so sorry 😫😫

WOAH, SQUIDDY- DON‘T MAKE ME SHY (I always say that I get shy in capital letters, I feel like that’s a contradiction, BUT I JUST NEED TO SCREAM THAT) 😫😫😫💖💖😭😭 thank you for reading it 🥺 AMAZEBALLS ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME HERE AHHH 😫😫💖💖 and I’m glad that I could add something for you!! But I’m a slow writer, sooo- you probably noticed that by now, but I always take my time ✊🏻 BUT ASAHI AND LINGERIE IS DEFINITELY COMING! 👈🏻👀

LOVE YOU, SQUIDDY!! 💖💖

[maryellencarter]

...I actually forgot what it feels like to wake up vibrating slightly from sleep deprivation.

I mean, it's not good that I'm doing it right now, but I *forgot*. Holy flying fuck. Do you know how enormous that is? This used to be my *life*. Every day, dragging myself through my responsibilities, making an active effort to stay upright, often too tired to sleep. Have you ever been so exhausted your brain started making up paranoid fantasies that you *knew* weren't real, but you still couldn't turn off the light and try to sleep because the smoke detector would eat you?

I just... Holy fuck. I *forgot* what it felt like to be so tired your heart feels like staggering in your chest and your hands lose their grip strength because you can't quite control your muscles properly. I used to think that was just a normal part of waking up. What the shit.

I have work in like four hours so I'm gonna try to sleep some more, but if anybody is interested in hearing me go on about the magical fucking amazeballs that is my CPAP machine, let me know. Healthcare in this country is a fucking crime, and not least that it's so fucking impossible for people with sleep apnea to even find out they have it, let alone access treatment that makes this kind of amazing difference in their quality of life.

(I used to think I had chronic fatigue syndrome. Some of that was the then-untreated depression. Some of it was the physical and mental and emotional burnout from the 4.3 year Remodel of Doom and its aftermath. And a whole fucking lot of it was thirty years of untreated sleep apnea, aka strangling half to death in my sleep 350ish times a night.)

God. Modern medicine literally does fucking miracles and we can't bloody *access* it because corporate greed and cruelty rule this country. Like yeah, sleep studies are expensive, but so is having people unable to function in society because they're too bloody tired.

[johnnymundano]

Paganini Horror (1989)

Directed by Luigi Cozzi

Screenplay by Luigi Cozzi and Daria Nicolodi

Music by Vince Tempera

Country: Italy

Running time: 82 minutes

CAST

Daria Nicolodi as Sylvia Hackett

Jasmine Maimone as Kate

Pascal Persiano as Daniel

Maria Cristina Mastrangeli as Lavinia

Michel Klippstein as Elena

Pietro Genuardi as Mark Singer

Luana Ravegnini as Rita

Giada Cozzi as Sylvia (child)

Elena Pompei as Sylvia's mother

Donald Pleasence as Mr. Pickett

Paganini Horror is a terrible 1989 Italian horror movie set in a decrepit Venetian villa where a terrible (mostly) girl pop group film a terrible video for a terrible song based on the terrible idea of using cursed music by Paganini. The aural nonsense these tinsel wits conjure summons the cranky spirit of the deceased composer to dispatch them one by one in imaginative, but seriously underfunded ways. And probably to stop them screaming, because, hoo boy, do these ladies scream. If you are a massive fan of women screaming Paganini Horror is the movie for you, my unusual friend. Much of the running time of Paganini Horror involves neither Paganini nor horror but rather women running around what seems like one corridor and three rooms screaming. Occasionally they all meet up and scream at each other in the same room, or that one bloody corridor. I swear at some points they bounce up and down and flap their hands while screaming like overwrought teenagers at a pop concert.

Which is ironic since they are a pop group themselves. They are the kind of fantastically talented (mostly) girl band who do the female cause no favours at all; the kind who play their guitars by keeping their fingers immobile and flat on the strings while provocatively moving their hips about while pulling faces which suggest they are experiencing a sexy form of menstrual cramp. The singer, Kate (Jasmine Maimone), doesn’t have an instrument because she is too busy prancing about, trying to see which she can open wider, her eyes or her mouth. The token bloke, Daniel (Pascal Persiano), is stuck behind the drums because no one wants to see his exposed belly button. I think they sing Bon Jovi’s terrible “You Give Love a Bad Name” but it’s kind of hard to tell. Anyway, they are so bad the movie doesn’t give the band a name (I think; I don’t really care), so we’ll call them The Chilblains. Whatever song The Chilblains are excreting, it isn’t good enough for their producer Lavinia (Maria Cristina Mastrangeli) whose ears apparently work,  so Kate and Lavinia shout at each other, and things get so heated that Kate almost pushes a stool over but Lavinia arrests its fall just in time. Rock and roll Babylon! The Chilblains need new material to get them another million seller, and fast!

Daniel, the male drummer, sources some groovy material which will get the band back on track by, apropos of nothing, meeting a twitchy Donald Pleasence in a disused warehouse and purchasing a lost Paganini composition. Apparently, actually writing some decent music fails to occur to Daniel. The girls go wild for the fab synthed up sounds of groovy Paganini, and Lavinia books them into a spooky old house Paganini once passed water in, now owned by Daria Nicolodi’s Sylvia Hackett. The idea is to get top horror director Mark Singer (Pietro Genuardi) to make a smashing pop vid and get The Chilblains back shifting millions again. Unfortunately the video is shit. Even more unfortunately the restless spirit of Paganini is so upset by his music being co-opted  by talentless chancers that it starts knocking them off in unintentionally amusing ways. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a woman burned alive in a poorly constructed giant violin case, baby.

Niccolò Paganini (b.1782) was a real person who probably didn’t live to see a woman burned alive in a poorly constructed giant violin case, but he was a legendarily amazeballs Genoan violinist. While Paganini Horror is hardly a fit cinematic tribute, he is a good choice for a spooky killer. Much like Cher, he is purported to have consorted with the devil, selling his soul in return for prodigious talent. Back then, see, there were no video games or movies for unimaginative reactionaries to blame everything on, so in desperation bits of wood that could make sounds such as the violin were considered the “devil’s instrument”, indicative of poor moral character and likely to cause an excess of excitement. And so extravagant was Paganini’s talent that it was thought only a satanic source could explain it. Or, y’know, he was talented and practiced a lot. Your call. Paganini died in 1840, possibly from mercury poisoning from being treated for syphilis. Maybe from tuberculosis. I don’t know, what am I, a historian? Paganini’s spookiness survived after his death to the extent that he wasn’t laid to rest until 1876, when priests finished debating what they should do with him. Priests apparently had a lot of time on their hands back then. None of that matters since all Paganini Horror is bothered about is Paganini was very musical and a little bit eerie.

Unfortunately looking up Niccolò Paganini on The Internet turns out to be a lot more exciting than watching Paganini Horror. Particularly finding out that all his teeth fell out from his syphilis treatment. But if you are inclined towards terrible Italian horror movies Paganini Horror has the odd slender wisp of a delight. There’s the ever twinkly Donald Pleasence, being all sinister and stuff; and you get quite  a bit more of him than I was expecting, which is nice. Unsatisfactory Italian horror movies form a  magical late stage in Pleasence’s career, where he basically rocks up acting in a movie which exists only in his head, and ends up being the most interesting thing in the movie outside of his head. Although genre legend (and co-scripter) Daria Nicolodi is intermittently to be seen acting, mostly she just goes with the whole screaming thing. Michel Klippstein as Elena is the best thing in the movie, but not for her acting. Unfortunately it’s because for the bulk of the movie she wears a nasty green lycra jump suit studded with a nonsensical pattern of holes. It’s kind of fascinating in a wholly abysmal way. Paganini Horror isn’t always terribly interesting so you may often find your mind wandering, wondering just how sweaty Michel Klippstein’s get-up got. I bet they had to burn that outfit once the filming stopped. Ew! In the interests of decorum I shall draw a discreet veil of “mostly adequate” over the other performances.

About on a par with the less than impressive acting is Luigi Cozzi’s relentlessly apathetic direction which exacerbates rather than disguises the clearly near lethal budgetary constraints. But would any more money have helped a horror movie helmed by someone so determined to so cluelessley fart away every death scene? Probably not. Make no mistake, Paganini Horror is not only terrible but, worse, it is often quite boring. This is quite a feat since the killer wears a gold mask and looks like a low budget musketeer prancing about and, as comically awesome as it is regrettably underutilised, there is also a gold violin with a spring loaded blade in the base. It’s like Cozzi has accepted a bet to make everything as tedious as humanly possible. In theory Paganini Horror has some clever ideas and creative slaughter, in practice however it is a drearily slow crawl punctuated by tedious screaming and hilariously cheap-shit SFX shenanigans. The best (i.e. worst) example is “The Invisible Barrier” which elicits some fantastic (i.e. rubbish) mime action as our cast pretend to be pushing against something that isn’t there, it also has a car crash into it but…off-screen! and a character is crushed to death by it, which just means the crew press a sheet of glass onto her face to distort it. Eyerolling never had it so good.

Be warned, sensation seekers of all ages, sure, Paganini Horror all sounds very camp and cheesetastic, but it is neither campy nor cheesy enough. It takes some  weird anti-talent to render dull a movie which has a record producer who can identify a fungus by sight as being one used in the 18th century to give Stradivarius violins their unique sound. (I believe Kanye West has the same ability.) Don’t be fooled if any of that sounds fun; Paganini Horror is fun, but not fun enough by far. This Italian mis-fire is fit only for masochistic die-hards like myself rather than your average horror punter up for a good time. Ultimately then, not so much a case of Paganini Horror, but rather Paganini Torpor.