#bitch I was in your office for an hour why couldn’t you take one vial of blood

[blueheartedwolf]

My doctors appointment went absolutely terrible btw. Who knows how long I’ll have to wait for meds now.

[dreamwritesimagines]

Twisted 19 - Chasing Silhouettes [Spencer Reid x Reader]

A.N.: Thank you so much for your wonderful support my loves! Here’s the next chapter, I hope you will like it as well, and please let me know what you think of it! ❤❤ Ily, kisses! ❤❤❤

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Murder, serial killers, violence, manipulation, mentions of sex, drinking, smoking, blood.

Word Count: 3800

Summary: Truce can be inevitable. 

It was safe to say that you were officially off your rocker after the break up. Stress? Check. No sleep? Check. Getting drunk mid-day? Check.

Looking a serial killer in the eye and threatening him?

Also check.

The constant anger was gone though. That blinding fury was gone, the fear was gone, the only thing you felt was numbness. It was as if you were watching everything happening around you from behind a glass, it was there but you couldn’t touch it or feel it.

With one exception; you missed Spencer each and every minute of the day, so you at least knew there was something left inside of you that wasn’t broken. But after what had happened, it wasn’t like you could call him. You had already left him multiple voice messages whenever you got too drunk anyway, and you were sure he had deleted them without even listening.

Not that you could blame him. He had already told you he wished he had never met you, and there was nothing you could do to change that.

“You guys will get back together,” Kenzie assured you like the hopeless romantic she was, “This is just temporary. I just know it, it’s like me and Mina. You can’t stop true love.”

“I doubt Mina ever told you she never loved you,” you stated, exhaling the smoke of your cigarette. “Or that you told her you wish you had never met her.”

She stole a look at Mina who was waiting for your lattes by the counter and turned to you.

“Well alright, maybe you and Spencer are having a more intense fight than we did, but—“

“This is not a fight, Kenz. We broke up.”

“You broke up with him,” she corrected you, “And you’re still in love with him.”

“Doesn’t matter,” you shrugged your shoulders, “I burned that bridge, okay? After this whole case is over, he will want nothing to do with me—hell, he wants nothing to do with me right now and I don’t blame him.”

“Okay,” Mina said as she came to your table and handed you your latte before sitting down, “What are we talking about?”

“Her and Spencer.”

“Yeah no, fuck that guy.”

Kenzie gasped, “Babe!”

“Kenz, he’s in the FBI, okay? He was there when they brought her into that interrogation room.”

“He wasn’t there when they took me to the station.”

“Fine, he came later on but did nothing to stop his beloved team from hounding you.”

“Mina, he was in another room.”

“You can’t possibly believe he didn’t know what was happening in the interrogation room,” she insisted and Kenzie pulled her brows together.

“Wait, didn’t you say he was the one who called you? For the lawyers and everything?”

Mina shrugged, “Yeah, so? That was just because this one,” she pointed at you, “Was too much of an idiot to ask for a lawyer. What, did you never watch a movie? You always ask for a lawyer.”

“But think about it, it means that he was trying to protect her from that whole interrogation process before he even landed,” Kenzie stated, “He knows how that whole thing goes, he made the calls, he gave his professional opinion to the police, he sent his team because they wouldn’t let him in there, it wouldn’t surprise me if he thought they’d go easy on her.”

You held the warm cup in your hands, listening silently.

“Or he just wanted to play the nice guy so that he could manipulate her more.”

You pulled your brows together, “Dude, he’s not manipulating me.”

“Not right now.”

“Not ever,” you said, “That’s not… that wasn’t the reason. Kenzie has a point, he was trying to get me out of there with minimum damage, and he knows how the system works.”

“Yeah, and that’s exactly why you need to talk to him and explain—“

“Enough people got hurt because of me,” you cut Kenzie off, “Died, even. It would destroy me if it was him, okay? Me staying away is better for him, at least he will stay alive.”

Mina scoffed, “Not that your heartbreak is not important, but I need to bitch at you before I forget,” she said, “How could you not tell me Nolan was planning to propose mom?”

Kenzie smiled, “I think it’s sweet.”

“I think it��s a fucking disaster.”

“Oh come on,” you murmured, sipping your coffee, “You’ve seen them together, haven’t you? It’s bound to happen, he’s head over heels and mom can’t stop talking about him.”

Mina let out a whine, “I’m a good person,” she murmured, “I give to charity and stuff, I don’t deserve this.”

“You’re not ten years old you idiot, a stepfather will not disturb any dynamics you have.”

“He will though!” she protested, “To repeat, he is basically my boss, okay?”

“He’s a lot of people’s boss.”

“Yeah, do you know what people will think when I finally make partner?” she asked you, “That my brand new stepdaddy pulled some strings.”

“Please don’t call him stepdaddy, that’s just disturbing.” Kenzie made a face and Mina heaved a sigh.

“How are you so okay with this?” she asked you and you tilted your head.

“Mina, there’s a killer who’s going after people I know and making sure I see that,” you started, counting with your fingers,  “I’ve been drugged at my own apartment—in my own bedroom only to find my ex boyfriend’s dead body in my kitchen. I’ve been accused of murder, been handcuffed, interrogated and broke up with the love of my life. The last past week, I got maybe five hours of sleep and oh, before I forget, I also threatened our original serial killer father with death just a couple of days ago. Does it look like I’m in the right mental state to worry about getting a new stepdaddy?”

“To repeat, can you guys stop calling him stepdaddy?”

“What did you tell him when he asked for your blessing?” you asked and Mina rolled her eyes.

“I told him that mom is a grown woman,” she said, “She doesn’t need our permission to do anything. If she wants to get married to the guy who has apparently loved her for decades… who am I to say no to that?”

You tilted your head, “You were nice?” you asked in disbelief, “You’re never nice.”

“Eh, I have my moments.”

“What’s the real reason?”

Mina pointed at Kenzie with her thumb, “She said to be nice.”

“You’re so whipped.”

“You are seriously going to sit there and call me whipped when you’ve been wailing for the last month, miss I shall suffer forever after my lost love even though he was two seconds away from handcuffing me and not in a fun way?”

“He wasn’t-“

“Both of you are being too cynical about Nolan,” Kenzie interrupted you and grinned wide, “I mean come on, doesn’t it make you believe in love all over again?”

“It makes me want to get booze because I’ll never have that, Kenz,” you murmured and she pulled her brows together.

“Oh don’t be like that.”

“Kenz he was the love of my life and I lost—“

“I’m leaving if you start crying into your latte,” Mina deadpanned, “And please don’t say that you’ll plan Nolan’s proposal or God forbid, their wedding.”

“My client list is full.”

She let out a laugh, “You realize we all know that’s your favorite excuse when you don’t want to accept a client, right?” she asked you and you shrugged your shoulders.

“I think I’ll sit this one out,” you said and checked your wristwatch, “Well, I gotta get back to the office, I have this meeting and then I have two other meetings with these new pastry shops.”

“Hey, brat?” Mina stopped you as soon as you stood up and you tilted your head.

“Yeah?”

“You’re okay, right?” she asked, “Besides this whole mess?”

You took a deep breath, forcing yourself to smile, “I’m not but I will be.”

“Will you?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, “I mean I have to, right? There’s not much of an option there.”

Mina looked like she wanted to insist, but Kenzie squeezed her hand, silently telling her to drop it before you made your way through the street to approach the building your office was in. You nodded at the security guards then got in the elevator and pressed the button.

When the elevator got to your floor the doors opened but your assistant rushed to you as soon as you stepped outside

“Y/N, hi! You haven’t been answering your phone.”

“Shit, I forgot it on silent,” you murmured and checked it to see five calls from her, “Five calls? Erica, did you guys catch fire or something?”

“I was actually thinking maybe you would want to come to the balcony with me, you know, to get some fresh air before your meeting?”

You pulled your brows together, “What’s going on?”

“We didn’t know if we should call you or left them downstairs but…” she said, making your heart skip a beat.

“What is it?”

“Remember the time you said you were allergic to jasmines?”

You could feel the goosebumps rising on your arms, “Yeah?”

She pointed at something over your shoulder and you turned your head, your breathing catching up in your throat as someone opened the glass door to go outside.

There was a bowl full of jasmine flower petals but you could still take the overly sweet scent. Bile climbed up your throat as you walked through the door to approach the reception desk, and as soon as you saw what was in the middle of the petals, the room started spinning.

A vial of blood.

“Are you dating like a goth guy?” Erica asked as you took a step back, the walls closing in on you.

“Call the FBI,” you gasped as you rushed to the balcony, desperate for air, “Now.”

                                            ***

Panic attacks were a big part of your childhood, and even if you weren’t completely unfamiliar with them as an adult, they still managed to take you by surprise.

It took you nearly an hour to pull yourself together. An hour of sitting there in the balcony, your knees drawn up to your chest as your mind desperately searched for something to focus on, something to hold on to.

Some happy place.

By the time FBI had gotten there, your makeup was smudged around your eyes due to the excessive crying, your whole body was shaky and you were so exhausted that you could barely will yourself to get up and walk to your office.

The jasmine scent still clung to the air though.

You didn’t even have any energy to keep your eyes open, your whole mind wrapped in that numb haze that kept pulling you deeper and deeper into the absolute nothingness as you sat there on the couch, multiple agents coming and going into the office, into the reception, into your floor.

Dr Tara Lewis, Spencer’s coworker had given you a small bottle of hand lotion so that you could take in a scent other than those flowers before she had shot you a sympathetic smile and left your office to talk with the reception.

Even raising your hand to wipe at your nose with the tissue balled up in your palm felt way too tiring for you, but you wiped your nose, your eyes still fixed on the wall as the glass door to your office opened once again and footsteps came closer.

You didn’t even have to raise your head as Spencer approached you before he knelt down to look you in the eye.

“Hi.”

You blinked a couple of times, “Hi,” you sniffled, “Is it okay if we don’t do this today?”

He raised his brows, “Don’t do what?”

“I’m too tired to fight,” your speech was almost slurred at this point but you pulled your brows together, forcing yourself to focus as much as you could. “So can we do that tomorrow please? Like truce for a day?”

He offered you a tight lipped smile, “I’m not here to fight,” he said gently, as if trying to pull you back to the reality without scaring you, “Truce for a day works for me.”

You picked at the crumpled tissue in your hand, “Thank you.”

“Do you think you can talk to me though?”

You nodded silently, wiping at your nose again. “Yes.”

“Great,” he said, his calm voice washing over you, “That’s good. What’re you thinking about right now?”

“I’m thinking…” you tried to put your thoughts in order, “Tara gave me a peach hand lotion, can you give it back to her after you’re done here?”

“Sure,” he said, “That’s a good thing to focus on. What else?”

“It’s not my dad,” you said, “My dad wouldn’t dare to fuck with me, not after- it’s not him.”

“Tell me something other than the case.”

You willed yourself to concentrate on his handsome face, “Do I look like a horror movie corpse right now?”

He scoffed a chuckle, shaking his head. “You look beautiful Y/N. You always do.”

“The only person who’s a bigger liar than you is that makeup artist that told me this eyeliner was waterproof.”

He reached out to tilt your chin up so that his hazel gaze could study you better, and even in your numb state you could feel the warmth spreading through your body with his touch, “How long have you been awake?”

“I dozed off for like an hour last night,” you murmured, “I have this new apartment but I can’t sleep in my bedroom because I keep thinking there’s some noise coming from the kitchen, like… like it’s going to happen again. It’s impossible though, there are like five different locks on that door, someone would have to come with a battering ram to open the damn thing but I still don’t feel safe enough to—to sleep.”

He thought for a moment, “You can’t sleep because you don’t feel safe,” he murmured and you heaved a sigh, your head dropping before you forced yourself to raise it again, making a face.

“I’ve never tried peach lotion before, it smells nice…” you mused, your gaze fixed on the wall while the black spots flew in your vision “Have you ever tried it? Also hypothetically speaking, what happens if you eat lotion? Like do you think—“

“Y/N,” his clear voice shot through the haze again, “Sweetheart, look at me.”

If you weren’t too goddamn tired, the pet name would make you snap out of it and even give you a spark of hope, but you could barely concentrate on what was happening.

“Can you do something for me?” he asked and you nodded.

“Yeah, anything.”

“Lie down.” he said and you pulled your brows together.

“Why?”

“We’ll try something,” he said, stealing a look outside to the reception crawling with agents before turning to you as you curled up on the couch, still holding the tissue tight in your hand, your eyes getting heavy the minute your head hit the small pillow.

“What are we trying?” you managed to ask through the fog and he smiled softly.

“Close your eyes, for thirty seconds,” he said, “Just focus on your breathing. I’m right here, okay? Can you do that for me?”

You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath, counting in your head.

You didn’t even reach fifteen before the sleep surrounded you.

                                                      ***

You were pulled away from the bliss when someone shook you by the shoulder gently.

“Y/N,” Erica’s voice reached you, “Y/N, wake up.”

You opened your eyes groggily, frowning. It was already dark outside and there was nearly no one in the office except for her and you. You attempted to sit up but stopped as soon as Spencer’s cologne filled your nostrils and you looked down at the jacket covering you.

He must’ve left his jacket on you while you slept in order to keep you from getting cold.

You could feel the small spark of peace shooting through you, the warmth spreading through your veins as you hugged the jacket tighter around your body and cleared your throat.

“What time is it?”

“Eight,” she shot you a small smile, “Um, everyone left and I figured you’d get a stiff back if you sleept on the couch any longer.”

“Erica,” you said, “You didn’t have to stay.”

“Come on, I wouldn’t leave you here alone after today,” she said, “Besides, I told that tall handsome agent that I’d drive you home. His team was called back to the FBI, some clue or whatever.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, I’d be a lousy assistant if I didn’t.”

“No, I mean—“ you swallowed thickly, “Thank you. It means more than you know to me.”

She grinned at you as you grabbed your purse and both of you made your way to the elevator.

“So I take it there’s no goth boyfriend but…” she said as the elevator went down, “Maybe a tall handsome flirt?”

“We broke up,” you murmured and she scoffed.

“Yeah no.”

You blinked a couple of times, “Erica, I’m pretty sure we broke up. I was there—“

“No I mean,” she huffed while you left the elevator to approach her car, “I have a talent to sense these sort of things you see. He doesn’t look at you like you broke up, and that jacket over you certainly doesn’t say you broke up.”

You got in the car with her and she started it.

“Is it because of your dad?” she asked you and your head shot up.

“What? How did you-?”

“It’s a small office, people talk,” she said as if apologizing, “But don’t worry, we all know that’s not the kind of person you are. I even had a fight with my boyfriend about it, but I told him that I knew you, you would never be able to do something like that. He was like you don’t know what people are capable of and I was like well...”

You were way too tired to answer her, so you let her talk about the time how she was great at sensing people’s true motives and how her boyfriend thought you were capable of murder while you sat in her car as she drove you to your place. You thanked her, your mind still fuzzy with sleep and made your way to your apartment.

After checking if all five locks were in their places and counting them in your head, you kicked off your heels and made your way to the fridge to get the bottle of whiskey. You took a swig of it and went to the couch, turning on the TV and leaning back to the soft cushions. You slowly took the jacket off and pulled it over your body, closing your eyes and inhaling his scent.

Maybe you could just imagine that you two were together, just for tonight.

You managed to distract yourself for a couple of hours, just sitting there and staring at the TV, barely paying attention to what was playing. By the time it was midnight, you had reached the half of the bottle and looked down at your phone for a couple of seconds before finding his name in the contacts.

You didn’t have to wait for long, and for once it didn’t go to voice mail.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” you smiled, “Um… is the truce still on? Or should I— should I hang up?”

“No,” he said almost too quickly, “No, don’t. We have today, don’t we? Might as well use the truce until the end.”

“Okay,” you whispered, “Thanks, by the way. For today. I can imagine how hard it is for you—“

“No,” his voice was soft, “No you really can’t.”

A silence fell upon you and you grabbed a tissue, wiping at your eyes,

“Professor?”

“Hm?”

“What does science say about heartbreak? Hypothetically speaking?”

“About heartbreak?”

“Yeah.”

He cleared his throat, “Considering the stimulation that increases dopamine and-“

“In a way that I will understand while I’m half drunk?”

“Addiction.”

You pulled back to look at the phone, “Addiction?”

“You know the areas of your brain that are active when you’re in love? Those areas are also active when you use…well, you name it. Cocaine. Drugs. Nicotine.”

“So that means heartbreak means-“

“Withdrawals,” he finished your sentence for you, “Exactly.”

You grabbed another tissue from the box on the coffee table, wiping at your nose.

“Spencer, what if it goes on like this forever?” you rasped out, “This whole heartbreak. What if I feel like this forever? What if I… What if I’m like seventy and I still—“

Love you.

“Miss you,” you changed your mind mid-sentence, “What if I’m old and gray and still using your jacket as a blanket?”

“That’s what you’re doing right now?”

“Yeah,” you murmured, “Pathetic right?”

“I recorded that show you liked and still can’t bring myself to delete it,” he admitted, “I don’t even watch it, it’s just there. You sure you want to talk about pathetic with me?”

You let out a bitter laugh, “Nah, still no competition professor. I still call you whenever I’m drunk, remember? You’re handling this way better than me, you still have your dignity.”

“I saw a fridge magnet in a store a week ago and I actually walked in there to buy it before I remembered I couldn’t give it to you,” he paused, “I’m not handling anything, Y/N. I’m a mess, it’s like…”

You held your breath, waiting for him to continue.

“You took something with you on your way out,” he said slowly, “And I don’t know what to do with what’s left, to be honest.”

“My chest actually hurts when I see you, you know?” you murmured, “And I still haven’t deleted the pictures.”

“Me neither.”

You picked at the tissue in your hand, “So much for Dante and Beatrice huh?”

“All things considered, they’d handle it worse than us.”

“I doubt anyone could handle it worse than us, professor.”

“No think about it,” he said, “We had….we had each other, at least. They didn’t technically lose each other, because they were never together.”

“It’s still romantic.”

“Dante saw Beatrice twice in his life,” he told you, “Once when they were nine, once when they were both adults. Twice in his whole life. Ignore the poems, what would you do if a guy you saw when you were nine showed up years and years later, proclaiming his undying love for you?”

“Call the police?” you said, making him chuckle.

“There you go.”

“When you put romanticism aside, Beatrice should’ve gotten a restraining order.”

“They didn’t have those back then, Y/N.”

You let out a small giggle, “Yeah yeah…” you murmured, “So what does that mean then? We’re more tragic than Dante and Beatrice?”

He sniffled and cleared his throat, “Yeah,” he said, “I think that’s what it means.”

You could feel the tears burning your eyes, “It’s not going to get easier, is it?” you croaked out after almost a minute of silence and he thought for a moment.

“I don’t think so,” he said, “Not for me anyway.”

“Not for me either,” you murmured and wiped at your eyes with the back of your hand, burying your nose to the collar of his jacket draped over you.

If you closed your eyes, maybe it would stop hurting this much. You touched your screen to get to your gallery, then found your picture together, both of you smiling at the camera, unaware of the heartbreak that would hit you both very soon.

“Good night Dante,” you whispered and Spencer exhaled a shaky breath, as if he was craving the addictive high of your presence as much as you did his.

“Good night Beatrice.”

Chapter 20

[mangaandlivingdolls]

Kinktober DAY 13: Stay boy!

Prompts: Pet Play + Sounding + Lactation

Character: Divus Crewel

Plot: A student gets a little too annoyed at Divus’s teaching methods and decides to punish him.

Notes: Gender neutral, mature with pron, noncon

Thank you @bashjackie for your wonderful writing and giving me this prompt!

Divus was annoying. 

No. Not just annoying, infuriating. His constant condensing ‘good boy’ and ‘stay’ was disgusting. Not to mention when he felt the need to whip someone into shape. 

In some ways, it seemed pathetic.

He couldn’t control his students without a force. He had to treat them like fucking dogs. 

And that wasn’t the only infuriating thing about him. He just had to constantly go on about fashion, design or some other bullshit. What did that have to do with making potions, anyway? Divus is just a wannabe clothing designer. Sure, he’s sold a few lines, but the fact he spends the week teaching ‘puppies’ was enough proof of his failure. 

Maybe that was why he actually favored Schoenheit, the intelligent, strict, hot model who seemed to always have a stick up his ass. In a lot of ways, they were similar; condescending nicknames, obsession with looking good, etc. The biggest difference, however, was that Schoenheit actually seemed to have more to show for it. 

For fuck’s sake, what kind of teacher is cryptic for every lesson?

That’s what led to another rant of his about how terrible the class was. Did he really think everyone could just do such an advanced potion with no advice on quantities? Of course, the majority of the class would fail when all they could do was guess. What a waste of a teacher. Then again, it’s not like the others were better.

Grinding your teeth, you watched as Divus continued to insult everyone for being ‘bad breeds’ and completely untrainable mutts. Finally. the bell rang, freeing you all from his annoying rants, at least ‘til next class. Standing, you carefully slipped a vial out of your pocket and slipped the contents of it into his cup as he berated a ‘mutt’ for not tucking in their shirt.

Too easy. 

Almost disappointingly easy, but then again, what would a purebred show dog have to worry about from a mutt? That’s why in nature, mutts are better off than purebreds.

The effects should start in one hour. He’ll notice sooner most likely, but with another class and a teachers’ meeting, there was no way he’d have time to fix it. Just enough time for you to eat lunch and gather the rest of your ‘tools’.

                                                      ~~~

How could this have even happened? Crewel rushed into his office, locking the door behind him. He obviously wasn’t pregnant, and even more so, he wouldn’t brew a lactation potion for himself. Carelessly, he tossed his wand on his desk and began to quickly remove his coat and vest. Already, his vest had become damp from his now-lactating chest. 

Damn the headmaster and his insistent prattling, Divus thought. If he hadn’t drowned on, then I could have brewed the antidote before my clothes were ruined. 

Ruined may have been a bit harsh, but he’d definitely have to change into some spares if he wanted to leave campus with no questions asked. 

Stuck in his own head, Crewel completely missed the student standing in the corner, unknowingly giving them a show. Of course, the student couldn’t really take the time to admire their panicking teacher.

Quickly, they used a stun spell, before rushing behind their teacher and throwing him to the floor. Crewel didn’t even have a moment to gasp before he found himself frozen and thrown to the floor. Just as quickly, the student shoved some bit of plastic between his open lips and quickly hooked it behind his head, forcing Crewel to bite down on the gag. 

As much as they wanted to appreciate their teacher chewing on the bone gag, they grabbed their teacher's wrist and shoved it into the leather mitt and tied it tightly, repeating the motion as Crewel tied to figure out what was happening.

The next part was going to be difficult.

The stun spell had already begun to wear off, and even without his hands, Divus was still a capable adult. Shoveling down the teacher's body, they grabbed one of his ankles and began wrapping the leather cuff around it. Sensing that he was going to be further restrained, Crewel rolled to the side and used his unrestrained leg to kick his attacker. With a grunt, they refused to relent. They grabbed his other ankle and struggled to place the other cuff on. Even with Crewel realizing what was happening, with his hands and one ankle trapped, there wasn’t much he could do. 

Finally, the student had their teacher trapped and could admire their hard work. 

Divus laid prone on the ground trying unsuccessfully to break his restraints. His hands uselessly pawed at each other in the vain hope that he could somehow get the mitts off. 

The best feature by far, however, was his face. His hair was completely ruined from the tussle on the floor, while his chin had been covered in drool from his grunts and attempts to yell.

Something was still missing, however. 

Even with Divus struggling it didn’t feel quite like enough. That’s when their eyes landed on the teacher’s desk, where his pointer was thrown.

Perfect. 

Calmly, they strolled towards the desk, slowly picked up the pointer, and messed with the pretty red collar attached to the end. Turning back to Divus, they couldn’t help but laugh at the position he had put himself in. 

Somehow, he had managed to flip himself onto his stomach and was trying to push himself up with his knees and caged hands, sticking his ass straight up in the air. With a chuckle, they skipped towards Divus and smacked his ass with the pointer. 

With a muffled yelp, the teacher completely collapsed, making it easier for his student to turn him over onto his back and straddle his waist. Divus tried to shimmy out from beneath them, but another sharp whack, this time aimed at his face, put an end to that. 

“Divus, stay.” The words seem to not register for a minute as they stared at each other, before Divus tried to buck them off with renewed vigor. Sighing, they went to work unfastening the collar and wrap it around Divus's throat, perhaps more tightly than necessary.

 “There. Now you really look like the bitch you are.” Before Crewel could even give an indignant snarl, they had already begun tearing his shirt and tie off. A red flush covered Crewel's face as his clothing was destroyed, revealing his dripping chest. 

“Wow, Divus, when I called you a bitch, I didn’t expect you to drip like one, especially right in front of your own student!” 

Stroking one of the leaking buds, they gave it a slight tug to watch more milk drip out and pool towards Divus’s taut stomach. Divus whimpered and tried to squirm away from his student’s touch. His struggle was rewarded with a much sharper pinch this time. 

As much as watching Divus moan and squirm as his chest was toyed with was amusing, there were far more important matters to attend to. With one last rough tug to his chest, they got of Divus and went over to their backpack, which was blending in with the background. Divus tried to turn his head to see what his student was grabbing, but with a quick snap of their fingers and a “Stay Divus,” he stopped squirming and merely hoped they’d had their fun and were retrieving the keys. 

A soft rattle of something metal was heard and Divus almost wept with relief that his humiliation was coming to an end, only for his student to come back into view. 

“Aw, does puppy think he’s getting a treat?”, they chuckled. “Sadly you’ve been such a naughty thing that I’m afraid your punishment isn’t over, boy.” 

Divus’s brows furrowed in confusion as his student held up a strange, thin metal object and lubricated it in front of his face.

He didn’t have any time to try and figure out what it was for before his student went back to destroying his clothes, this time his jeans. Divus whimpered and tried to shove them off, but with his hands still bound, it was futile. Finally, Divus’s hard cock was forced into the open air. 

It seemed like time stopped as Divus stared at his leaking cock. His student let out a laugh before grasping his dick, making Divus moan.

“My, my. The puppy seems awfully excited at his punishment.” They smeared his precum around the head of his dick. “I may not even need the lube, huh?”

By now, almost all the fight was out of Divus. He merely squirmed in his bondage as they played with his dick and mocked him for being in heat. 

After what felt like an eternity, they released his cock and began slicking up the metal instrument. 

Then they began pushing one end into his slit. 

Divus nearly choked on his own spit as his struggles renewed in vigor, so much so they had to use another stun spell on him. They forced Divus to only watch as his dick was violated. Surprisingly, Divus felt very little pain as it was slowly, slowly shifted further into his cock. The only feeling was pleasurable fullness. Nerves that had never been stimulated before were played with as the instrument was pushed down. Every couple of centimetres, they would stop to massage the outside of his dick to stimulate him further. 

Finally, his dick was completely full and any further pushing only caused Divus to see stars as it hit something deep inside of his cock.

“Well puppy, how do you feel?” They mocked, going back to play with his chest. In a final act of weak defiance, Divus glared at them and tried to growl around his bone gag. In response, his student bopped his nose and stood up.

“I guess you still haven’t learned anything, puppy. I’m so disappointed.” Turning away from their captive, they retrieved their backpack and began heading towards the door, causing Divus to panic and whine once again. They couldn’t just leave him like this, could they?

“Maybe if you lie there in your mess for a few hours, you might learn.” Just as they unlocked the door, they shot an amused look back at Divus. “Good boy! Don’t forget what you’ve learned today!”

Just like that, he was left in his own office, completely trapped. Divus felt tears fill his eyes as he was left on his back, the milk from his nipples, drool, and precum mixing into his skin.

[giggle-me-this]

[ take the long way home ]

The first odd thing that happened was that Xiomara wasn’t home when Nate left for work.

Usually, she spent her evenings in. But Nate didn’t think too much of it; maybe she’d been in a good mood and decided to go out for dinner. He sent her a text before he left the flat and then didn’t think about it again during his shift, where Harriet had come in and shot the shit with him for most of the time he was working.

They were all wired when the bar closed, and some hedges were supposed to come through the safehouse late, so Fish walked to Putney with Nate and Harriet, laughing and stumbling along the busy London late-night streets. Nate shushed them both when he unlocked and opened the front door and whispered at them to go make a drink; his sister ruffled his hair infuriatingly and Fish just rolled her eyes and made a face at him, and Nate went up to check on Xi.

Except that Xi wasn’t in their room, which was dark and entirely un-mussed since he’d left twelve hours ago. Nate checked his phone; there were messages from Seth, and from Ralph. But none from Xi.

“Xi…?” Nate called out, flipping on lights with magic as he moved in and out of rooms. Harriet and Olivia both looked at Nate curiously as he checked out back. Nothing. 

Nate looked up at Harriet, who had followed him out the back door; she took in his expression and said placatingly, “Hey, I bet she’s fine. Probably just met up with friends and forgot to tell you.”

“Yeah…” Nate replied, entirely unconvinced. He supposed it wasn’t that outlandish a theory, except—why wouldn’t she have just said I’m going out, don’t wait up? Nate dialed her cell number and it went straight to voicemail. “…fuck. No. This is weird.” He moved past Harriet back into the house and bounded back up the stairs, holding out hope for one last theory; if Xiomara had taken the potion she needed for the night, then surely she was fine and her phone had just died.

But when Nate pulled open the cabinet beneath the bathroom sink, there were two fucking extra potions that she hadn’t taken that day. Meaning this was not just weird—it was fucking bad. “Fuck…” Nate said to no one, panicky. He pulled out the stoppered potion vials that Xi should have taken already that day and lined them up on the sink.

And that’s how Nate marked the time that Xiomara was M.I.A. That, and by smoking three entire packs of cigarettes and pacing the flat and snapping at anyone who tried to speak to him. Harriet magically locked the drawer with Nate’s ‘secret’ emergency stash, like a fucking bitch (a move Nate would sheepishly thank her for, later), and Nate couldn’t pick through the lock.

So by the time afternoon was rolling around the next day, and four potions were lined up on the sink, and the flat was filled with cigarette smoke and secondhand anxiety, Nate was looking every bit like he hadn’t slept or eaten and was very near breaking point. 

That’s when Maeko Burke showed up. 

“I’m really not in the fucking mood—” is what Nate snapped at her when he opened the door to find Maeko and her brother on the other side. Both looked uneasy.

Nate made to shut the door in their faces but Maeko reached out a hand, her elbow locked sternly to hold the door open. “It’s about your girl.”

Nate nearly pulled the door off its hinges in his haste to reopen it. “What the fuck did you do to—”

“You can cut the fuckin’ attitude—we’re trying to help you, yeah?” Nate blinked, and stepped back, and Maeko and Oz came in. They explained about Mathis, about Xiomara staying the night in Knockturn Alley. They told him about the officers in the morning who’d planted evidence on her. Nate was tugging on his hair by the end of it, slumped in a chair, feeling sick. 

It was nearly sundown and Maeko, Oz, Nate, Harriet, and several uninvolved hedges were all debating the best method for busting Xi out of the Ministry when Nate felt their wards being disrupted. A distinct disruption sequence that made his stomach drop. He held up his hands to quiet the commotion of the safehouse, and when that didn’t work, he whistled loudly. “Everyone shut the fuck up! There’s law enforcement coming, so that’s, fucking—Code Blue Exit Strategy, now.” 

Everything was a flurry of motion and magic as hasty illusions were shot up left and right. They barely managed to get everyone hidden by the time there was a sharp rap on the door. Nate’s heart was hammering inside his chest as he walked toward the door, and his hand was shaking as, slowly, he opened it. There was a small brunette woman in Auror robes standing on the other side, with—

“Xi…” Nate said, the already low, hoarse tone of his voice breaking, and he held out his arms for her. He had about a million questions, but he held them along with his breath in stiff apprehension as he eyed the Auror. 

Which was fruitless, as it turned out. Because not a minute had passed before Maeko Burke’s voice could be heard excitedly saying, “Kat??” She stepped forward and all the illusions hiding her and the others shimmered and melted away. Maeko skipped right up to the Auror and said with a Cheshire-grin, “No fucking way, Katie—you’re a fuckin’ bizzie?” 

And then Maeko Burke practically jumped at the woman to hug her tightly, all while Nate looked on with uncomprehending horror.

@katiethxrne @xiomarawinters

[sick-raven]

Flying Off - Jill/Nicholai fanfic

Jill finally has a chance to leave for Europe. However, she meets unexpected person on the plane.

This time it’s not dirty fanfic. Just Jill and Nicholai hate-talking each other.

You can also read on AO3

Flying Off

First months after Raccoon City Jill Valentine went through series of tests, interrogations and long period of sleepless nights. Carlos was good backup during these tiring times, but her plan stayed the same since day one. At the first possible time gather up all the evidence and run to Europe – it’s far enough from Umbrella’s influence and most importantly the place where Chris is already waiting working on taking the corporation down. She knew that together they can put an end to this chaos.

At the moments like this, when her memories jogged back to those late September days, she regretted a lot. Most of the evidence of Umbrella’s research burned together with her apartment. Anything else turned to ashes after the city was wiped out. The one viable source of information she left there to die. All that was left was broken vial from the antivirus she kept secret from the government.

The same vial now hidden as she sat down in the plane finally leaving this continent. Running to Chris. Undercover, with hope that nobody is following her. She didn’t trust anyone back there. Any scientist, lawyer, police officer, general, politician – they all could have been in Umbrella’s pocket. She will pick her own scientist to check if there are any traces of antivirus left. There was already a young rookie scientist on her mind.

The plane took off, once in the air she sighed in relief. The clouds outside seemed so peaceful and watching them just flow in the air was relaxing. It felt as if she left the hell behind and went towards something better now. Others were waiting. As if the all heaviness fell off her shoulders, she closed her eyes and let herself rest.

Heavy body falling next to her shook her awake. She felt a pressure down her ribs that forced her back to her seat. The tip of a knife was touching her side.

“It’s been long time, hasn’t it, Miss Valentine?”

She must have been dreaming. Nicholai was sitting next to her with all knowing smirk on his face. But he died. Raccoon City took him with a blast. She left him there on the airport to eat his sins. Fuck!

“I wouldn’t do that.” The pain in her side stopped her. She was ready to punch his neck. Attack first, ask questions later, but she recalculated. It looked like nobody has noticed this little theatre. Focus, Jill. Nicholai’s hand was hidden under a jacket he threw over it like a blanket. He was here alone; nobody knew about his little endeavour.

Plain clothes, like any other traveller. Just strong arms showing under the t-shirt gave away that he might be a soldier.

“Surprised to see me?” The shit-eating grin showed how much he enjoyed this situation.

“I am used to bastards not dying when you want them to,” she replied coldly. “It’s hard to kill cockroaches.”

Puff of air came of his mouth in short laughter. “Give me the vial, miss Valentine, and I will leave you unharmed.”

“Or what? You will kill me here in front of all those people?” she smirked. “I don’t think so.”

“I’m a patient man. I can sit for hours and wait for the plane to land. Everyone will leave and then in one fast stab you will be no more.” He wasn’t bluffing, he whispered to her with resolution as if taking someone’s life was everyday deal for him. Let’s face it, it probably was. He wasn’t afraid to sacrifice his co-workers for money. His hands were covered in blood. “Or you might think of asking for help, screaming. Do you know how far we are? Not enough, the closest airport is back there in States. In the case of emergency landing, they will have to turn it around and you will be back there, with Umbrella waiting for you.”

Jill tried to stay calm. Calculating this situation wasn’t in her favour. She needed to play it smart. The flight was long.

“Everything in order?”

Jill looked up at the flying attendant smiling at them.

“Yes, thank you,” Nicholai shunned her.

“Actually,” Jill said at the same time and leaned towards the flying attendant. The knife grazed her side. “I would love some coffee.”

“Milk or sugar?”

“Black, please.”

Carefully she took the coffee and brought it just so close in front of Nicholai’s face to her side of the seats. He stopped breathing for a short second and Jill took it as a little victory. Back in Raccoon City she showed him she can be ruthless just like him. The thought of spilling the hot liquid on him crossed her mind but causing fight on the flight wouldn’t be worth it.

However, she wasn’t finished with dismissing Nicholai’s threats.

“Thank you, you are a sweetheart,” she said to the flying attendant and shot her a smile. She smiled back and went to attend others. Jill took a sip of the coffee; hot liquid burned the tip of her tongue.

“I don’t think I caught what you want,” she finally turned her attention back to Nicholai.

“The vial with the antivirus.”

“You mean the antivirus you destroyed?” annoyance entered her voice. She gulped the coffee just to get hold of herself, but that scene kept coming back to her. They could have saved the city, they would have means to fight any other possible outbreak and this son-of-a-bitch took it away from them.

“Umbrella wants all the evidence gone.”

“I don’t have it.”

He smiled again – showing his teeth, looking like a wild animal ready to jump at her neck. Jill tried to find some information about this guy, all she got was hearsay and fantastic stories. And a nickname – Silver wolf. Just like a wolf he could sink his teeth into her flesh. Let him choke.

“Don’t lie to me, miss Valentine.”

“Check for yourself.” She nodded towards the overhead shelf with her bag.

“I already did when you were taking your little nap.”

“Then you know I don’t have it.”

He rested his elbow on the armrest between them and leaned closer. His breath smelled of coffee and mint, very different from back in Raccoon where everything smelled like blood and sweat. She felt it on her skin, she just kept drinking avoiding eye contact.

“You are not stupid; you are bringing it to Europe. You either have it on your person or in the luggage.”

“You are right, I am not stupid. I am not telling you shit. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” In one swift movement – and she deserved slight pinch in her side – she took out a book out of her handbag. Then she threw the bag into Nicholai’s lap. “Suit yourself.”

Nicholai watched her, baring his teeth. She just turned the pages focused on the text. As if he was nothing but a little annoyance. Not a wolf but a fly, buzzing but harming no-one. No threat, no pack.

After short check he threw the handbag under her feet. “Listen-“ he started but raised finger stopped him. Jill finished a paragraph and looked at him over the cover.

“Do you have something important to say?”

“The vial-“

“That conversation is over. Now, I want to finish this book before I am stabbed to death, thank you very much.”

There was a silence for maybe five pages. Tip of the knife scratched her ribs as she was breathing, she tried to not pay attention to it, but felt droplets of blood running on her side.

“I see you like to play games.” His voice sounded so close, she flinched. Nicholai was leaning right to her ear. “Just like you did in that train.”

The train. She almost forgot – it was heat of the moment, way to release stress from the situation they were in. Constantly followed, hurt, all she wanted was to forget for a second about Nemesis looking for her and the giant target on her back. She didn’t trust him then, but it was before he turned out to be greedy bastard.

The sex was good, but nothing to keep in memory.

She turned a page. Nicholai boasted about his patience, but her indifference apparently drove him mad. Maybe he was used to people bargaining or trying to talk their way out of this. Or maybe he was projecting because he sure loved to hear himself talk.

“I wonder why is Umbrella so afraid of you. You weren’t even brave enough to shoot me.”

With a sigh she closed the book. “You are right, I could’ve shot you back in Raccoon City. But seeing you beg for your life was much more entertaining.” She hit the spot. If the hatred had physical manifestation it would be Nicholai right now. Grinning, she continued to poke his nerve. “What a strong ruthless man you are, begging for your life like a baby. I will pay you anything, let me go with you, miss Valentine,” she mocked.

“Don’t play with me.”

“You said it yourself, I love to play games. Let’s play this one. You want the vial? Beg for it.”

Facing each other so close Nicholai became only thing in her field of vision. Jaw clenched in anger, his eyes spiking through her. His Adam’s apple rose as he swallowed.

“You forgot who has the knife,” Nicholai hissed.

“I see.” Back to the book it was. Even without looking at him the mood changed fast. The frustration hanged in the air with familiar smell of sweat, anger and cheap cologne. If felt like blood rushing on her side, ashes in her mouth from the Raccoon City and pain. The knife meant nothing, the memory meant nothing, the anger couldn’t get her to cooperate. She knew that and Nicholai knew that too.

“It seems I underestimated the situation again. You cooperate much better when someone your love is on the line.” Fear joined the emotional party in her, but she shunned it – Nicholai had nothing. He was just trying to get reaction out of her. “I guess I will have to use the old good methods.”

The knife moved. It didn’t cut, just slid on her skin, from her side towards centre of her chest. He rested it there for a while, she felt the blade against her heart. It stung her every time she breathed in. Jill clenched her teeth.

“Still nothing?”

“I still didn’t hear you say please.”

It took second. Nicholai pushed on the knife. Jill grabbed his wristed and yanked the hand away. She felt the blade cutting her slightly. She twisted his wrist, the knife fell on the ground. Nicholai attacked her, his elbow hit her temple. The force sent her to the window, where she hit her head again. Pain spiked through her skull, but it was nothing next to what Nemesis did to her in Raccoon City. She kicked the knife, it slid under next set of seats and disappeared from her sight.

At the same time Nicholai tried to grab for the knife. She caught his arm and forced him back to the seat. He pushed against her but stopped.

“Everything okay?” asked the flight attendant who walked to them.

Jill put on the most charming smile. “Yes, everything is perfect.”

“You have something on your shirt.”

Jill looked down. Where Nicholai cut her, the shirt got stuck to her skin and bloody. She grabbed his jacket and dressed herself to hide the blood. “Hot dog accident at the airport, I am clumsy.”

The flight attendant wasn’t very convinced of their play.

“I am sorry for disturbing the flight. It will never happen again, right, Nicholai?” Jill turned to her foe. He smiled too, more annoyed grimace than anything else.

“Right. Apologies.”

The flight attendant left them alone. Jill watched after her, she saw her talking to others and pointing their way. “If they turn the flight because of you, I will kill you,” she hissed at Nicholai.

“Suits me just fine.”

“So, are they paying you to get the vile or kill me too?”

“No, you are more worth alive. You can bring them to others to get rid of you one by one,” Nicholai answered.

“You’ve been stalking me. That’s how you know about the vile.”

“Of course. You took it out of Raccoon city. Then you never handed it in. I knew you had to have it.”

Jill raised her eyebrows. “You were the only one who knew about it. Nobody else knew anything about me bringing it along. You told Umbrella so they send you after me. You did this on purpose.”

“Every little detail means a lot more dollars.”

“And you got this job by accident,” she said mockingly.

“Oh no, I wanted to see you again.” The tone in what he said it bit morrow in her bones. So cold, but it missed the hatred she’d expect after everything. Nicholai was looking her over, she felt similar feeling she did back in the train. He was good looking, she had to give him that. And his strong arms…

She had to grin at herself for thinking like that. “To get revenge.”

“To get anything. And the vial.”

Jill shook her head. Why was she the type people will stalk? First the monster, now him. In a way, it felt great. When it didn’t steal her sleep, when it didn’t endanger her life, when it didn’t destroy chances of the whole city to live – then it felt great to be wanted. Negatives just outweighed the positives too much. And it made her feel guilty when she caught only positives for a brief moment.

No, she is not doing him any favours. But she still wanted to see him dumbfounded.

“The vial. Is that really only thing you will talk about? Okay, I will tell you where is the vile. My conditions haven’t changed. Say please.”

“You are ridiculous,” he scoffed.

She leaned to him again looking him straight in the eyes. “Maybe. I just really want to see you desperate again. Come on. It’s a lot of money for a simple word.”

Nicholas tilted his head on a side and looked somewhere behind her. He scoffed again, fighting with himself over a stupid word. Jill’s smile grew wider, soon she was grinning, teeth out, his struggle was entertaining to watch.

“Alright,” he finally looked at her. “Please, miss Valentine, will you tell me about the vial.” Poison was dripping from every word. Jill chuckled and leaned right next to his ear, her lips touched his skin for a brief second.

“It’s not here.”

“What?” he hissed.

“You said it yourself, you knew my every step. And I knew Umbrella was following me. I never boarder the plane with the vile.”

Nicholas frowned; Jill kept smiling.

“It’s already in Europe, I send it via post, undercover, long time ago. If Umbrella didn’t catch the package, you will never get your hands on the vial.”

Nicholas sighed and got up. “Then I have no business with you.”

“Oh, not gonna kill me?”

He shrugged. “You lost my knife. The jacket, please.”

Jill already had her book open again. “No, that’s mine now, you ruined my shirt.”

Nicholas shifted his weight. “I will be back for it.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

She watched him over the pages. He left to the front of the plane and she lost him. The smile stayed on her face, this interaction made her unexpectedly cheery. Yeah, hearing Nicholas humiliate himself again was great.

Like a ghost he disappeared. She didn’t see him for the rest of the flight, nor on the airport. Only thing left of him was faint smell of his cologne on the jacket.

[emma-nation]

Without You - Bloodbound AU (Chapter 12) *For You Sequel*

Summary: Gaius is back. While coming up with a plan to take him down, the gang must deal with some new life-changing events.

Genre: Angst/Adventure/Romance

Rating: T - Warning for violence and language

Tag List: @begging-for-kamilah, @lulu-the-cat, @ilovekamilahsayeed, @zoe6111, @kennaxval (If you want to be tagged in future chapters/fics of this pairing let me know!)

Notes:

- English is my second language, please forgive me for any mistakes.

- Hope you enjoy it, your reviews and likes are always appreciated.

- My apologies for the delay. I’m not having much time to work on my fics.

Kamilah

Kamilah stood frozen, watching as Amy’s body fell limp on the ground. Her paralyzed eyes looking straight into hers, as her blood streamed across the room, in the direction of the magical seal Lysimachus created to trap Gaius.

In contact with her blood, the seal erupted in blue flames and he was no longer able to use his powers as Maker.

“Your stupid whore!” He shouted angrily at Priya. “You don’t even know what you’ve just done, do you?”

“Actually I do…” Priya smirked. “It’s the end of the line for you, Old Ass.”

“You could’ve used her blood! Even a dirty blood as yours would become the purest. How does it feel, huh? To know you lost the opportunity of becoming the most powerful Vampire living in this planet? Let me guess, he hid that from you.”

Priya stared at him in silence, conflicted. Kamilah knew perfectly what Gaius was doing, he knew Priya’s weaknesses and was using them to manipulate her.

She didn’t care. Only one thing was in her mind, Amy. Her Amy. She was dead in front of her. She took a few steps and kneeled right beside her.

“Amy…” she squeezed the girl’s hand.

Her soft and warm skin was now pale and cold. There was no pulse or any signs that she still had a single bit of life in her body. The heartbeats Kamilah loved so much to hear no longer existed. Inside of Amy’s chest was only silence. A silence she was very familiar with.

At distance, Priya and Lysimachus argued. She accused him of lying and omitting information to force her to join the plan.

“Kamilah!” Lysimachus looked at her and yelled. “What are you doing? Kill him, now!”

But she couldn’t move. It was like time had stopped around her and all she could see was Amy’s corpse lying in front of her. She looked down to her hands, they were completely covered by her fiancée’s blood. Her head started hurting again, forcing her into memories that she fought hard to forget…

—– Flashback —–

Venice, Italy -  1540

Kamilah stared at the small package she had just acquired. A silver ring, engraved with a rare diamond found in a tomb in Egypt recently. A small smile formed in the corners of her mouth.

She entered a small door that lead to a wooden staircase. She followed her way to a small studio, the one she had been living in the last eight months with Elena Fontana, a young artist she was sponsoring, and also her lover.

“Elena?” She called, not hearing a response. “I’m home ”

She looked around, spotting no signs the young woman was even there. She furrowed her brows confused. Being a newly Turned Vampire, Elena was insecure of leaving the house alone. Especially with the rumors of a skilled Hunter being around, mercilessly taking lives of all supernatural creatures that dared to cross his path.

Kamilah started having a bad feeling about it. An intuition that something had happened to Elena in her absence. Sometimes her bloodlust would be out of control and she’d accidentally hurt the mortals she was feeding from, what could attract them negative attention. Kamilah placed the ring inside a drawer and locked it with a key.

“It was too soon anyways,” she thought.

“K-Kamilah,” a female voice came from the bedroom, “what are you doing home so early? I-I thought you weren’t supposed to be here until dawn.”

Elena suddenly emerged in the living room.

“The meeting ended earlier than planned. Why do you look so nervous? What have you been up to while I was out?”

“My new Vampire senses, they did magic for my art! I finished a whole set of paintings in only a few hours! I’ve never been so inspired.”

She grabbed Kamilah’s hand and took her to the bedroom, where she examined her surroundings, observing five wonderful paintings.

“Oh my god. This is…” she took one the paintings in her hands, to examine it closer, “amazing. You’re finally going to achieve the recognition you deserve.”

“All thanks to you, amore mio.”

Elena embraced her from behind, placing a soft kiss on her neck. Though the windows were covered by heavy curtains, Kamilah was bothered by the rain that started falling outside.

“What’s wrong, Kamilah?” Elena asked.

“Nothing, just… the rain outside, the grey clouds… it’s giving me a bad feeling.”

“But you were just excited! Kamilah, you should start a career as a dramatic poet, you’ve got talent.”

She ignored Elena’s attempts to lighten her mood.

“Are you hungry?” She asked. “It has been almost two days since you last fed.

"I’m afraid to lose control again,” Elena’s expression darkened.

“You’ll never learn if you don’t practice enough. Like your paintings.”

She brushed off a strand of Elena’s hair that was falling over her face and caressed her exposed cheek.

“It’s not, my art is a gift. This is a curse.”

“It depends on how you see it.”

“True, knowing I’ll spend the rest of my life with you, that’s a gift.”

Kamilah kissed her forehead and the two of them went out into the night. They only had a couple of hours before the sunrise.

When they returned, Elena was upset. Once again she failed to tame her instincts. While Kamilah drank only a small amount of blood, she almost killed a man. They went straight to bed, where they fell asleep quickly. Elena didn’t want much physical contact at the moment, she wanted to be left alone, what Kamilah respected.

She woke up hours later in a hurry. As she opened her eyes, she could barely see anything with a distorted vision and a foggy head. Her heart was also racing abnormally… She only had time to dodge an attack, a stake pointed to her chest.

A male figure escaped through the open window before she could have any reaction. Kamilah quickly closed and covered it with the heavy curtains again. The sunlight affected Elena more than herself.

“Elena?” She turned around, looking for the young artist. But all she could find, were her ashes, spread over her side of the bed.

It couldn’t be. Elena. Her sweet Elena was dead.

—– End Of Flashback —–

Kamilah’s head was spinning, making her see Amy’s blood mixed with Elena’s ashes in her hands. A wave of darkness filled her soul and suddenly all the humanity she still had left was gone. Her instincts should be fully taking control of her body and turning her into a killer machine, but instead, she felt nothing, only pure emptiness.

“I failed to protect you�� like I failed to protect her…”

“Kamilah!” Lysimachus was attempting to get her attention. For some reason, she couldn’t focus on his voice, everytime she did, memories of the day he was taken by the Romans started to erupt in her mind. She struggled against them.

“… failed to protect Lyimachus.”

The darkness inside was becoming unbearable. She grabbed one of her daggers, pointing it straight to her heart.

“What are you–?” He stopped. “Your psycho son of a bitch!”

The sound of someone being tackled to the ground and being repeatedly punched, finally caught some of her attention. She turned around, noticing her brother attacked Jameson. All she had time to see was his heart being removed, as well as his body turning into ashes.

“Kamilah, he was using his hypnotic tricks to mess with your head,” Lysimachus yelled. “Wake up, sister. Resist it!”

She observed Amy’s body again, then the puddle of blood by her side. She started having a strange sensation. A image started to form inside it, calling her, sinking her into it…

—– Flashback —–

Venice, Italy -  1540

Late night in a tavern, two men were chatting, in the most secluded table.

“King Gaius Augustine, I have the honor to announce your enemies will no longer bother your majesty.”

“Wolf Of Venice, you really do justice to your name,” Gaius stroked his cheek. “Who would say you could become such a loyal servant?”

Gaius delivered him the payment.

“But, My King, this is so much more than we arranged.”

“I know. There’s one last favor I need from you,” he handed him a piece of paper with an address.

“T-This is Kamilah Sayeed and her lover’s address.”

“Yes, and your killing them both.”

“She’s rumored to be one of the oldest Vampires around, making her highly powerful and fast.”

Gaius smirked and pushed a small vial in his direction.

“It won’t be a problem, once they drink this. It’s acts like a drug in our system, making us weak and stunned. Give it to a mortal of your trust, make sure to place it at the right place in the right time, when they go out hunting for a prey.”

—– End Of Flashback —–

When Kamilah returned to reality her eyes were burning red in rage. She dropped her dagger and turned her attention to Gaius.

“You ordered my death too… and you poisoned us! This is why I failed to protect her!”

“If you’re not My Queen, you won’t be anyone else’s,” Gaius spoke.

She grabbed the ceremonial stake Lysimachus found at Wright’s office, carved with ancient inscriptions. As it made contact with Amy’s blood, a blue flame erupted from it’s sharp tip.

“I. Am. Not. Your. Queen!“ she angered and lunged in his direction. "Not anymore.”

———-

Lysimachus

“You hid that from me, Hunter?” Priya questioned him. “You didn’t told me everything this mortal’s blood could do, so I wouldn’t have another choice but joining your plan!”

“Priya, I didn’t know it until recently and… would you even consider it? Take Amy’s life to obtain power, instead of killing him?”

“It’s easy for you to say. You’re not the weakest. You’re powerful, influent… The Council always underestimated me! They treat me like I’m still a filthy whore.”

“Stop! Can’t you see he’s playing games with your mind?”

“You’re exactly like–”

They both stopped, staring at the ground where Kamilah was kneeled near Amy’s body. Her eyes were wide and paralyzed in some sort of shock state.

“Kamilah!” Lysimachus yelled. “What are you doing? Kill him, now!”

She wouldn’t listen. A single tear streamed down her cheek.

“I failed to protect you… like I failed to protect her…” she started mumbling.

“Kamilah!”

“… failed to protect Lyimachus.”

“What the…”

The more he tried to get her attention and take her out of that state, more she’d go deeper into it. In an act of desperation and trauma, she grabbed one of her daggers and pointed to her chest. Gaius started to laugh hysterically.

“My Queen, so much for nothing… for you to be come frail and vulnerable because of a mortal.”

“Kamilah, darling,” Priya shouted. “It’s not time for reminisce on our personal tragedies. Go there and kill him, before he escapes. The Kamilah I know wouldn’t do it. She’s brave, tough, short-tempered…”

“The Kamilah I know wouldn’t do it,” Lysimachus thought. He knew that. He never expected this attitude coming from his twin sister. If she was strong enough to keep fighting by herself for five years after he was taken, how did she suddenly became so fragile? Then, he looked to a dark corner of the room, noticing they were not alone. Jameson was hiding behind a wooden column, doing some movements with his hands. He was using the hypnosis the was partially inside Kamilah’s brain to control her.

“What are you–?” He stopped. “Your psycho son of a bitch!”

Without thinking twice, he tackled him to the ground and started punching them repeatedly. What finally caught some of Kamilah’s attention. Wasting no more time, he shoved his hand inside Jameson’s chest, extracting his heart.

“I’m sorry, master. I failed…” he said, before vanishing into ashes.

“Kamilah, he was using his hypnotic tricks to mess with your head,” Lysimachus yelled. “Wake up, sister. Resist it!”

She looked to Amy’s blood again. Lysimachus approached, noticing Amy’s powers were showing her something… a vision from her past… something she never imagined. Kamilah returned to reality, in all her strength and power.

“You ordered my death too… and you poisoned us! This is why I failed to protect her!” Her eyes were blood-red in anger.

“If you’re not My Queen, you won’t be anyone else’s,” Gaius spoke.

“Show him who you are,“ Lysimachus smirked and threw something to his sister. The ceremonial stake he took from Wright’s office. The one that could kill Gaius or any other ancient vampires, if used correctly. When she dripped it in Amy’s blood, blue flames started burning in the tip.

“This is badass,” Priya grinned. “Do it, Kamilah. Take down his Old Ass for good!”

“I. Am. Not. Your. Queen!” Kamilah smirked and lunged into Gaius direction. She stopped, aware she couldn’t enter the seal. “Not anymore.”

Kamilah aimed at his heart, but before she could give the final blow, Gaius grabbed her wrist.

“You’re coming with me, My Queen.”

“Let me go,” she struggled, trying to free herself, her feet was just crossing the line between the circle and the outside. Though she was strong, Gaius was even stronger, she wouldn’t be able to escape his grip.

Lysimachus looked at Priya and winked.

“What?” She asked.

“Remember what I told you… before we enter here.”

In a flash, he threw himself at Gaius, restraining him by the arms.

“Kamilah, now. Stake him!”

His sister did as ordered. The stake teared through Gaius flesh, striking him exactly in the heart. The blue flames spread, consuming his entire body so intensely that it hurt their eyes.

“No,” he yelled. “Kamilah, you’ll r…”

When Lysimachus opened his eyes again, there was nothing but Gaius’ ashes inside the magical seal with him.

“It’s over,” he said. “We defeated him.”

“Brother,” Kamilah opened her eyes too. “But… you…”

“I couldn’t let him take you.”

The seal started to close, it was a matter of seconds before it consumed him too.

“How can I un-do it?” Kamilah asked. “There got to be a way!”

“You’ll need an element to counter the magical forces. It’s useless now, sister. We don’t have time…”

“I’m not losing you again.”

“That’s okay, sister,” he extended his hands, touching her for the last time. “I’m thankful for these months we had together.”

“Shit!” Priya shouted. “Think fast… an element to counter magical forces… something witches hate… of course!”

Lysimachus and Kamilah exchanged confused glances as she approached the circle and grabbed the dagger he gifted her, opening a gash on her palm. As her blood dripped on the seal, the flames settled and started fading…

“What do they hate more then Vampire’s blood? We’re cursed creatures. Undead beings…”

“There’s actually a functioning brain  inside her head,” Kamilah teased.

Noticing he was finally safe, Lysimachus went in their direction, hugging them both at the same time.

“You know that it could’ve gone seriously wrong and killed us all,” he told Priya.

“But it worked!”

“It seems like it.”

Kamilah went back to Amy’s side, taking her in her arms and healing the cut on her neck.

“How long is it going to take, after we do the blood transfusion?”

“Only a few hours,” Lysimachus tried to assure her, but inside he wasn’t completely secure. There were no guarantees the spell had actually worked.

———-

Amy

“Is this how being dead feels like?” That was Amy’s first thought before she could actually open her eyes. She felt afraid of what was waiting for her on the other side.

Everything was dark. Distantly, all she could hear were voices. Kamilah, Lysimachus, Gaius… they were on battle. A battle that would decide the fate of both humans and Vampires. She got up and started running in their direction, but she couldn’t. It was like she was trapped on an endless world of darkness.

“Kamilah,” she called, hoping her fiancée would be able to hear, but as expected, there was no response.

After a while the voices silenced and she was completely alone. She sat down and started crying. That place gave her chills.

“There you are,” she looked up, noticing Lysimachus’ witch friend was standing in front of her.

“A-Are you dead too?” She asked, fearing the spell had gone wrong.

“Technically, no. But since we’re linked I felt you were in trouble and created a portal to find you. Get up, it’s time to return to your body.”

“How do I return?”

“Focus on yourself, on your body. You should get pulled back instantly.”

Amy closed her eyes, thinking about herself. Images of her body, lying on her bed at Kamilah’s penthouse, started to form inside her brain. She started being pulled when another force stopped her.

“I-I can’t…” she cried. “Something is not letting me!”

“Try again,” the witch told. “You’re too anxious.”

She tried, over and over again, only to fail repeatedly.

“I don’t wanna die…”

“Weird. Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Amy sighed, displeased at the fact she was alone again. She wondered if the witch would even be able to return for her rescue. She closed her eyes, attempting to come back one more time, when she felt someone approaching.

“Amy, I’ve been waiting for you,” a female voice echoed in the darkness.

“Huh?!” She looked around, not seeing anyone.

“You need me…” the voice spoke again, “and I need you.”

A stunningly beautiful figure appeared in front of her.

“W-Who are you?”

“You’re my fate, Amy. Now come, join me. Your soul will give me the power I need to live again.”

“Keaseth.”

“This is how some groups called me, but I’ve had other names in different eras, different places… you call me as you want, my sweet Amy.”

Her voice was intoxicating, poisoning… for an instant, Amy felt she was under a spell she couldn’t escape. She felt Keaseth’s soul calling for hers, drawing hers.

“No,” she resisted. “I can’t do this.”

“You did, Amy. At the time you agreed to sacrifice yourself for a purpose, you agreed to join me.”

“Never!”

Amy tried to run, but Keaseth appeared in front of her. It was like she was everywhere in the darkness, in every corned she attempted to run to.

“Help,” she screamed. “Somebody help me!”

“They can’t hear you, Amy. It’s only you and me now, we’ll become one.”

The darkness disappeared and Amy saw herself in the temple again, the same one where Mrs. Wright attempted to sacrifice her. Keaseth was waiting for her to open the sarcophagus and enter, so they could merge.

“Dammit! I don’t wanna do this,” Amy closed her eyes, but a force keep pushing her into that direction and nothing she did was able to stop it. The First Vampire had a supernatural force like no one she had even seen before.

When she opened her eyes again, she was standing in front of her sarcophagus. Her hand moving involuntarily to open it.

“No,” she tried to resist it, “it’s a nightmare. Only another nightmare…”

“Amy! Stop!” Lysimachus’ witch friend had returned. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t wanna do this, she’s forcing me,” Amy pointed to Keaseth, who was standing next to the sarcophagus, smiling.

“Oh my god! S-She’s real!”

“I don’t care, just make her stop. Please.”

“My children,” Keaseth shook her head, “your forces are nothing compared to mine. You could never defeat me.”

“But maybe,” the witch started casting a spell, “my ancestors can. The same who trapped you inside this place before!”

She opened a portal and a white light invaded the whole room. Amy couldn’t see anything, but she could hear thousands of voices. Voices of witches of all eras and generations, with one only mission, to banish Keaseth again.

“No,” she yelled. “Amy, you need to help me. Come merge with me, you were born for this!”

“I make my own destiny,“ Amy answered.

"There will be consequences. Be ready to face them.”

Whatever she had to face, Amy didn’t care. All she wished for was to live a normal life with Kamilah, where she would be able to work, travel the world and start a family someday.

“Permission granted,” a voice coming from the portal told her. “If that’s what you wish for, you shall now return to your body.”

Amy nodded with a small smile on her face, before closing her eyes and feel she was being pulled back to her body.

———-

Kamilah

Kamilah placed the earphones and played that file one more time. She closed her eyes, paying attention on the heartbeats. Heartbeats she could no longer find in Amy’s chest.

Eight hours had passed since they finished the ritual and she was showing no signals of coming back to life. Kamilah found a note, blinking on Amy’s cell phone screen, asking her to turn on her laptop.

When she did, her pain only got more intense. Amy made a video saying goodbye, telling her to promise she’d still be happy. How she was supposed to be happy without the one person that made her feel happiness?

“Hey, sister,” Lysimachus entered the room. “You should feed. It’s been a while…”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Of course you are, the last time you…”

“You said she was going to come back,” she interrupted. “You promised me!”

“It may take a while.”

“Who are you trying to fool? Amy’s dead. She isn’t showing any improvement!”

Her brother sighed and looked at the girl, who was lying on the bed.

“I’m gonna talk to my friend, she’ll explain me what’s going on.”

Kamilah stared at him in silence, before recomposing herself. It wasn’t his fault. In truth, she almost lost him too. If wasn’t for Priya, the one person she didn’t trust at all, the seal would’ve consumed him along with Gaius. He wrapped his arms around her in a protective manner.

“What happened during the battle?” He asked. “What that monster was forcing you to see?”

“Memories from my past,” Kamilah answered. “From when you were captured, from when the Wolf Of Venice killed my lover.”

“And then? What made you return to your senses?”

“Amy’s blood. It showed Gaius closing a deal with that Hunter. He wanted me dead too, and as he knew it was impossible to kill me naturally, he poisoned us, so we’d be asleep. I didn’t feed much from a man that night, as for Elena… she almost killed him. That’s why I woke up in time to save myself. I lament I couldn’t save her too, but…”

“But?” Her brother raised his eyebrows curious.

“If she had survived, I wouldn’t have met Amy. And after this vision, I feel better about it. I have the feeling she knows why I couldn’t save her and that she’s happy for me.”

“I’m sure she is,” Lysimachus kissed her forehead. “I’ll bring Amy back, no matter what, okay? I promised her she’d marry you and I promise you the same, sister. On Saturday, you’ll be the most beautiful bride this planet has ever seen.”

“Stop,” she rolled her eyes, punching him slightly in the arm. “You’re making me blush and I hate it.”

“Of course,” he dragged her to a mirror. “With a twin like me, everyone will know where you’ve got your good looks from.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back…” he started leaving the room, suddenly Kamilah remembered one small detail.

“You’re forgetting something important.”

“What is it?”

“I’m older. You’ve got the good looks from me, little brother.”

He didn’t answer, making Kamilah smile in satisfaction. Back when they were children, Lysimachus always hated to be reminded she was born first.

“Five minutes is not even a difference!” He yelled from the corridor, making her let out a small laugh before she returned to Amy’s side.

———-

Lysimachus

"Ouch!” Priya complained as they entered the car. “Ouch, ouch… it hurts!”

“What’s wrong?” Lysimachus asked.

“My skin, it’s burning! My Daylight Ring isn’t working.”

“But why? What have you done? Did you break any of the rules?”

“Of course not!”

He quickly closed the windows, preventing the sunlight from entering the car.

“That little witch better have a good explanation,” Priya grunted as they parked the car in front the small building.

Lysimachus knocked at his friend’s door, obtaining no answer. He felt a shiver going down his spine. If something happened to her, it meant Amy’s life was also threatened. Using his skills, he picked the lock and rushed inside.

She was nowhere to be found. He only wasn’t able to check one room. The one she used for magic. He couldn’t forcefully open that door, he’d be violating the witches�� rules.

Lysimachus called her name once again.

“Just a minute,” she finally answered. “We’re in trouble here.”

“We?"

He sat on the living room to wait. Priya complaining all the time about her ring. He sighed, trying to not lose his patience. How could she be so selfish in a moment like this? When Amy’s life was in danger.

"Do you think I messed it up?” She asked. “Amy, I mean. Kamilah is going to kill me.”

“Of course not, you did as I told you.”

“But then, why my ring isn’t working? It’s obvious, I killed an innocent mortal.”

“Oh my god,” what she said made sense, what scared him even more.

About half an hour later, the female witch appeared in the living room.

“Sorry, it took longer than planned…” she panted, “but we did it. Amy is back to her body.”

Lysimachus sighed in relief.

"This is why I came to you. It’s been almost nine hours and she hadn’t returned yet.”

“Keaseth was trapping her. She wanted Amy’s soul to come back to life.”

“Really?!” His eyes widened in surprise. Though he was 2064 years old, so far all he had ever listened about the First Vampire were myths and legends.

“Yes, we had a hard time to banish her.”

“Do you think she will cause us trouble in the future?”

“I’m not sure, she’s determined but, Amy’s a tough one, she’ll know how to protect herself.”

“Enough with the First Vampire bullshit,” Priya whined. “I want to know why my ring isn’t working!”

“It’s simple,” the witch answered. “You violated one of the rules.”

“I didn’t, I only killed Amy because of the ritual, and because you assured she’d live again.”

“Hmmm…” the young female paused for a second, as if she was waiting for a response from her ancestors. “Basically, you insulted the witches. You violated a sacred magical seal. With your Vampire blood, what makes it ten times worse.”

“I did it to because someone went on a suicidal mission to kill Gaius. I saved Hunter’s life, this should be taken in consideration!”

“You still can have it back,” the witch assured. “All you have to do is to beg for the witches’ forgiveness.”

Priya rolled her eyes before starting yelling “I’m sorry” at random places of the room. Lysimachus controlled himself to not laugh.

“On your knees, to show you regret what you’ve done.”

Priya angrily followed the witch’s suggestion.

“Explain your reasons.”

“I only did it to save H… I mean, Lysimachus.”

“Because?”

“Because I ca… we’re friends. And Kamilah shouldn’t lose her fiancée and brother in the same day, right?”

Lysimachus couldn’t hold it anymore, he burst into laughs.

“It’s only a temporary suspension,” his friend whispered. “I’m only testing if she can be trusted. And torturing her a little bit.”

———-

Amy

Amy coughed as the air returned to her lungs. She still felt dizzy, making it hard for her to finally open her eyes.

“What you did was absolutely stupid, Amy. You knew you were going to die! You didn’t even consider how I was going to feel about it!”

“Good morning to you too, Kamilah,” she mumbled.

When she was finally able to see the female vampire, she was sitting by her side on the bed, with a scowl on her face, fighting hard to hide a smile.

“I thought you were dead.”

“But I’m not,” Amy sat down to hug her and she retributed, with all the strenght of a 2064 years old Vampire.

“Ouch! You’re gonna kill me for real…”

“You’re never doing this again.”

“I hope not, it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.”

Kamilah buried her face on her chest to hear her heartbeats. Amy stroked her hair, noticing how desperate she looked, for thinking she had lost her. After a quiet moment together, she sighed, ready to know about the battle against Gaius and tell Kamilah what happened.

“How was the battle?” Amy asked, still caressing Kamilah’s soft hair. “Was it hard to defeat him?”

“Not really,” she told, face still buried on her chest. “But I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Did he try anything with you?”

She didn’t answer. Amy didn’t push her. She knew when Kamilah felt comfortable enough she’d eventually tell her.

“I almost couldn’t make it, you know?” Amy changed the subject. “S-She was trapping me there. She wanted to use me to come back to life.”

“Who, Amy?” Kamilah faced her again. “Who are you talking about?”

“The First Vampire.”

Amy told her everything that happened while she was out of her body.

“They were able to contain her for a while, but something tells me she won’t be giving up.”

“We won’t let it happen,” Kamilah enlaced her fingers with hers. “And if she finds a manner… we’ll fight together.”

Amy gave her a small smile, before drawing her for a kiss.

“So, Kamilah Sayeed, there’s no escape now. We’re getting married.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

“Not at all. Actually, I’m looking forward for that SPA day you promised me.”

“Hmmm I was thinking, we should extended our stay. Would you like go, right now?”

After reuniting with Lysimachus, Priya, Lily and Adrian, Amy said goodbye again, before entering Kamilah’s car.

“I can’t believe it,” Lily had teary eyes, “next time I see you, it’ll will be on your wedding day.”

“Yes, Lil and I’m sure you’ll be the hell of a bridesmaid!”

Next: Kamilah and Amy are getting married! Will they finally say ‘yes’? Stay Tuned!

[frozs]

Hidan gives a heart to Kakuzu as a get well soon gift because he’s a fucking dickhead  - Part  2out of 2

Part 9 of the Kakuzu and Hidan are very Australian dickheads series. Thank you to @thatshipcat for taking some of her time to edit for me so its all neat and professional 

Read the rest of the shitty fics on tumblr or AO3.

Warnings: hidan calls kakuzu a bitch, hidan steals a heart and puts it in a minced garlic jar 

“Wake up bitch. I forgot you were immortal. Heh, Jashin definitely wasn’t on your side last night. Look at that cast. Wakey-wakey, Kakuzu.”

Kakuzu blinked blearily, at the stretched out leg cast in front of him. On the right side, was a massive drawing of a dick done in black marker, the phallus going up to Kakuzu’s thigh and on the other side, drawings of Deidara’s strange-looking clay animals. Hidan’s face was back to normal, and was sneering at some nurse who had come by to check Kakuzu’s vitals.

“You have private health insurance, look at this fancy room,” Hidan pointed at the large, unwieldy TV in the corner of the room, which appeared to be from 1992. “Vintage.”

The nurse smiled at them both, then her eyes wandered to their hands. No doubtedly she was looking for rings. Kakuzu felt very drowsy, after being out for several hours.

“How long was I out?”

“Hmm,” said Hidan. “I was planning to have a beard when you wake up.” He scratched his well-shaven chin with one hand, texting on his cracked phone with a fast thumb. “And to tell ya’ it’s 2064, but you’ve only been out twelve hours. I’ve been here like… half an hour myself. Deidara just fucked off. I went and got Zambrero.” He picked up the tight foil wrapper from the burrito and threw it at Kakuzu’s head. It bounced off him.

“I will leave you two in peace.” The nurse giggled, before exiting the room.

“Just letting you know… I brought you back to life.” Hidan started humming to Evanescence’s Bring Me to Life, but stopped when he realised Kakuzu didn’t know anything about music at all and so singing it made no sense. “As a servant of God, I made a promise,” Hidan took out his cracked phone. “That I’m the one to kill you, remember?”

“...”

“But here, check out your skull, it’s fucking epic!” Hidan shoved his phone in front of Kakuzu’s face to show him a picture. Kakuzu’s skull had been entirely crushed, brains leaking out like someone threw cooked pasta on the asphalt. “I’m gonna fucking frame it.”

“I can’t even see it?” Kakuzu didn’t have his reading glasses with him, and Hidan’s cracked phone was unintelligible.

There was a few silent minutes as Hidan grabbed Kakuzu’s phone to send over the picture. When he was done, Kakuzu looked at the unrecognisable flash photo Hidan had taken. The pink rubbery flesh of his brain had splattered on the cement, a piece of red brick embedded in his eye, the other eye hanging down his cheek. It was gory and looked like something out of a horror movie. It was definitely Kakuzu - the blood soaked scarf, scars and coat gave it away. No way would anyone would be able to survive those injuries. He looked back up at Hidan, and almost said thank you, but decided against it, as it was not in his personality to do so.

“How did you bring me back to life?”

“Took some of your blood and killed myself, cause you were already dead,” said Hidan, spinning around in a wheelchair that must have been supplied to Kakuzu while he was unconscious. “Well, I think you were. Brain splatter everywhere. Like my ritual but in reverse. Didn’t think it would work. I suppose like, I killed myself to revive you? I dunno. Magic. And no, I didn’t do that fucking disney shit where they slobber each other on the lips.” He did a complete 360, and wheeled himself back to the bed.

“What about that… liquid… Orochimaru gave me? The vial?”

Hidan stared. “...You mean the stuff that killed me for two weeks years back in Croatia? I don’t think dying for two weeks would be a wise decision for my stupid fucking husband. Anyway, here’s your get well soon gift.” He got out a large jar, which had a label saying Woolworths Select Minced Garlic half ripped off. “I got you a heart. A real one, mind you.”

“...Where?” Kakuzu was going to ask if it was his own, looking down at the jar which had a gift wrap bow jammed on the top and flattened.

“That guy who rammed into you died on impact and his chest was like… hanging everywhere. So I just took it, you know - and guess who it was that rammed you down?”

“...Pain?”

“Nah, it was Asuma. Well, it was. He’s dead now. But his heart was on the road before I did anything. Anyway - so you’ve still got a bit of a broken leg, that’s how Itachicunt and Kisamecunt found you.” Hidan grinned and flicked the cast. Kakuzu was waiting for his leg to shoot up in agony, but he felt nothing.

Slowly, he wriggled his toes. No pain. “I think my leg is healed.” he said to Hidan.

“Excellent, we can go home then. Or just pretend to be sick and all that shit. Get money for being off work, y’know. That’s why I got this wheelchair here. Gotta pretend you’re fucking normal, somehow.”

***

At the Police Station, on-duty officers Itachi and Kisame were called in to see their supervisor, who was currently reviewing security footage of the car accident they had responded to the night before. “Hidan is well known in the area to local police, and Kakuzu is acquainted with Hidan, Deidara and Sasori. It is said Asuma passed away, too. The footage we have obtained from the incident is very… strange.”

The two sat down at a desk to watch the footage with their supervisor, and Kisame attempted to make small talk. It failed spectacularly. “I remember Asuma,” said Kisame. “Sarutobi’s son.”

The supervisor, looking somewhat frustrated, did not respond, but rewinded the video on his computer again and again..

“Kisame,” Itachi nodded towards the screen. The footage had seemed to be blacked out, though there had been no reports of anyone tampering with the cameras.

“There’s another security footage, near Woolworths.” It was the same thing again. The two videos showed the same thing: Hidan and Kakuzu having an argument after leaving Rain Real Estate, Hidan walking into traffic….

They decided to replay all of the footage, but could not see anything. “Literally nothing,” said the Supervisor. “We can’t do anything about this. I’m sure the Sarutobi’s will be shocked and disheartened.”

***

Hidan decided to keep the wheelchair. When Kakuzu finally got home, his broken leg healed from Hidan’s crazy Jashinist powers, he noticed several moving boxes on the lawn and two bicycles out the front.

“No, no, no,” Kakuzu limped up to Sasori who was holding a box of wood, took him by the scruff of his neck and deposited him by the letterbox, which was on the footpath. Sasori was tiny and according to Hidan, was in his early thirties. He didn’t look older than fifteen.

“What are you doing to Master Sasori?” Deidara poked his head around the front door.

“What are you two doing in my house!?” Kakuzu refrained from twisting Sasori’s head so it would snap like a doll’s.

“There’s a rat in the toilet,” Deidara pointed out.

“Again? Get rid of it yourself.”

“Well, our old place is nearly fixed,” Deidara shrugged. “So I’ll be on the couch, yeah.”

***

With Deidara on the couch and Sasori… well Kakuzu wasn’t exactly sure where Sasori slept. He never really saw him except for several cacti being constantly moved everywhere. The point was, it was crowded and it made Kakuzu edgy.

A doctor came, recognised Kakuzu from his surgery days, shook hands with him and declared Kakuzu was in a full fit of health to go back to work. Hidan then pressured him to extend his sick leave certificate for another week, so Kakuzu could help them move their stuff back into the unit - which, of course, they couldn’t do, as Kakuzu’s car had been taken out of a river, and he was given money straight away for another one by his insurance.

“The heart in the fridge is going moldy, yeah,” Deidara poked his head in the fridge for the fifth time in an hour. The three of them had already eaten everything in Kakuzu’s pantry except for a tin of sardines and milk powder. “Is it a real human heart?”

“Yep, my stupid fucking housemate,” Hidan said, moving a box of heavy clay but the door to be moved back to the old place. “I may as well put it in the freezer… your arm was there for a week, after all.”

Before Hidan got to the door, it rang, so he kicked the door open with his foot. “Ah, fuck,” he said when he looked up at Itachi and Kisame in their dark blue uniform. “I didn’t do nothing wrong this time.”

“We just want to ask you and Kakuzu a few questions. At the station,” said Kisame.

“He’s out looking for a new car. I’m not going to the fucking station. What do you want?”

“So we have concluded that the car accident between you two and Asuma Sarutobi was a complete accident,” said Itachi, looking through his clipboard he had with him, “However…”

“Did you take the heart of Asuma after the impact of your car collision?” asked Kisame, completing Itachi’s sentence. At this, Deidara moved past him, with a supermarket bag of clothes.

“Yeah,” said Deidara to the officers. “It’s in the fridge.”

“Well… he took half my ear, so I took his heart,” Hidan said as his (pathetic) excuse to Itachi and Kisame. “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart… the very next day…”

“Stop singing. Just give it back. Withholding evidence.”

“Say please.”  

“Please, can we have it back for evidence?” asked Itachi.

“Ugh, fine.” Hidan rubbed his head, and put the box down and turned back to go to the fridge. “Wait... do I have to go to jail?” He called from Kakuzu’s kitchen.

“You took evidence from a crime scene,” Kisame pointed out. “We need it back.”

“I ain’t gonna get in fucking trouble just for taking his heart? It was on the fucking ground.” Itachi and Kisame stayed put while Hidan went into the fridge to retrieve the garlic jar full of heart, opening the jar and ignoring the putrid smell and threw it in Kisame’s face.

The heart went thrupp with a cold, wet splash.

“And that,” said Itachi softly, low enough for Hidan to barely hear, “Is what I call a heart attack.”

END

[allonsy-yesiwill]

Your Worst Fear

Pairing: Dean x Reader, Sam, Cas

Summary: The boys and you are hunting an unknown creature with little to go on in the lore books, you decided to embrace the idea that maybe a popular writer might have more knowledge.

Word Count: 3900 ish...sorry not sorry  

Warnings: language...I swear a lot sorry kids. If you plan on reading IT this has spoilers. If you just plan on watching the new movie you are fine.

A/N: I hope everyone has a happy and safe Halloween!!! @Lunarsaturn88 , I am super happy for this challenge….living on an island without power or super great internet I haven’t been able to start watching the new season and it’s kind of killing me however this gave me something to do. They say that St Croix should have 90% power by Christmas so I will be getting caught up on the new season then….#bestchristmasever :)

Written for @Lunarsaturn88 Halloween 2017 Challenge

Prompt:  IT

"So we are legit hunting Pennywise," you sass Sam as he reads from the lore.

"Awesome, " Dean says laughing.

"Who's Pennywise?" Sam says with a confused look on his face.

"It's the clown from IT. Dean do you think he's going to look like the reboot or the Tim Curry versions," you smile. You and Dean are loving this, you couldn't have planned this any better.

"Really guys. First of all the lore doesn't say anything about it being a clown."

"Well that's the thing Sammy, Pennywise isn't really a clown either. It's not like Killer Clowns from Outer Space or anything. He picked a clown because it's a friendly figure to children and that's how he got them close enough. " It's all you can do to keep the laughing as you can see the frustration boil on Sam's face.

"Whatever," Sam lets out slamming the book closed and leaving the room.

You and Dean continue to talk about the movie and all the other things that Sam could look forward to. When Sam is out of ears reach you look at Dean, " So you really think it's a clown, like Pennywise."

"It would make sense, but I don't know Y/N it seems weird." You grab the loar book Sam was looking in finding the page Sam was reading from.

"It does say that the creature uses your own fears to capture children for harvesting. Oh that's vial, they pretty much harvest the organs and feed off of them. It doesn't says anything about the parents but they could just be a collateral damage. How many kids have gone missing?"

"From that town 3 and there was one teenager that just kind of snapped and went off the rails killing other people."  

"Fuck, what about the history? This book says that these things feed like this every 20 years, was there anything that happened like this 20 years ago."

"Well 40 years ago there was a school explosion, siting a gas leak but seems questionable. Ah here we go, 20 years ago while nothing was ever linked or noted there we an increase in missing people, especially children. Over a 3 month period it looks like a total 35 that's really strange that it didn't get flagged on a federal level with some many disappearances."

"Alright so Pennywise it is."

You have been around the block enough times to know that sometimes the veil between normal and supernatural bleeds though. So it is completely possible that IT had some real facts in it. The loar book didn't have much information in it, the creature is said to only make themselves visible to children making your job much harder and no ways to kill it. It only suggested that children stay in groups of 4 or more to stay safe.

"It's late Y/N, go get some rest and we will leave first thing in the morning," Dean said standing up walking to his bedroom.

Yeah that's probably not going to happen. You think about what the biggest fear is, you already know what Sam and Dean's are, having to go on alone with no brother to stand by their side.  The thought of losing both Sam and Dean did make your stomach turn and your eyes water however that wasn't the worst fear. You realize something much worse could happen that your boys forget you and continue on without you.

Sam was your best friends you told him everything, well almost everything. You never shared with him the feelings you harbored for Dean. While you had been hunting with the boys for over  5 years now and you accept your fate in the friendzone. You still cherished every touch, smile and comforting kiss on the forehead that Dean gave you.

"Well this should be fun," you say to yourself as you get up and head to your bedroom for what will probably be a restless night.

_________

You slept through your alarm so wake up to Dean walking in your room turning on all of your lights and shooting, " Rise and shine sweetheart, we are already 20 mins behind schedule."  Before you can cover your head with your pillow, Dean reaches for it with another shoot, " I don't think so, get up we are leaving in 30."  Dean sets down a cup of coffee on your nightstand before leaving the room with door wide up to insure he can make sure you don't fall back asleep.

The town is a short drive so you get dressed in your best FBIish looking attire. You grab your bag with your hand you walk barefoot to the garage where you know the boys are waiting for you.

"And there's our princess, thanks for joining us."  You don't say anything to Dean just give him a glare. You aren't in the mood for it.

"You good, Y/N?" Sam asks as he puts your bag in the trunk.

No I am not good, this is going to be shit show. We don't really know what we are going up against and I am pretty sure some of the feelings I've been keeping a lid on are going to leak out. Instead you opt for, " Yeah just tired. I stayed up too late trying to find a way to kill Pennywise, good news I still don't have one by the way."

"I say we try decapitation first, then we can always mount the head for Sammy's room." Dean catches your smile in the rear view mirror as he's driving away from the bunker. "I knew you would like that idea Y/N."

"First we don't even know if this thing is a clown so you both need to just chill," Sam says trying to keep calm.

"But Sam if Dean and I wish hard enough maybe our wish will come true and it will be a clown," you sas.

"Really Y/N," Sam says with his best bitch face.

"Look Sam, there is little to nothing on this creature and what there is lines up almost perfectly with IT so we have to be aware of the possibility that this book has some actual facts in it. This isn't the first time we've seen this happen," you say feeling the weight of your words and the truth they are carrying.

The next 3 hours in the car are anything but relaxing, you can feel Dean's worry as he looks back to check on you more than once. However you never remove your eyes from your phone just simply exhaling, hoping that everything goes somewhat okay and that you will not need The Turtle or have to experience the Ritual of Chud to keep this creature dead. And more than that you hoped the deadlights weren't in your future.

When you arrive at the police station, everything looks small town normal. There are a few missing children posters but nothing like there should have been. The boys introduce you all as you flash your fake badge, it has become so second nature you don't even think about people calling you out on it anymore.

As Dean is talking to the local cop you start looking through the files. The boys follow Officer Gray into another part of the room and you continue to dig. There is little to nothing here, like they didn't even look for the children, it just doesn't make sense.

"Hey Y/N, I don't think we are going to need you for this one. Why don't you go catch a ride home and see what else is out there for you. We got this."

Deans words shocked you as you locked eyes with his. "But Dean this is weird there should be so much more information..."  

He cut you off, " No you don't get it, you are the one making something here. You just want to scare Sam and I am not game. I think it's time for you to be on your way sweetheart."

You have never heard him use that word with that tone towards you. "So I guess the game has begun. You're not real," you let out with a confidence in your voice.

"Oh I am not real," you braced yourself for the next words you knew they would hurt but that would not make them real,"Let's talk about you not being real. You let those vamps catch you and torture you just so Sammy and me would have to save you and why? Because you needed a new best friends and hell his brother is hot. I don't even know why you still stick around, I do my best to make it clear as day to show you how not attrited I think you are but you still come back from more. No matter how many waitresses I shake up next to, you are always there the next morning to remind us of how pathic your life is and how useless you are."

You press your eyes shut like steal valutes trying to stop the tears.

"Y/N are you okay," you hear the worry in Sam's voice but you are too scared to open your eyes. So you let out a ," Yeah just got to step away," while almost running out of the police station.

You can hear Dean and Sam talking about you as you are walking out but Office Gray holds both of them back long enough for you to get outside. The blue sky brings little comfort, you let go of a few tears and remind yourself it's not real, this is your fear and you can face it. Dean would never really want you out of his life, he was worried about you pretty much all day check on you in the rearview mirror. You take a deep breath and dry you eyes just in time for the boys to come back.

"Y/N, what's going on are you okay?" Dean says pulling your face up to meet his.

"Yeah I am fine, however I think it's started. This kid has an older brother that apparently says he has been seeing weird things we should start there," you let out with heavy syh.

While Sam climbs in the car Dean let's out a soft "Hey sweetheart, whatever you saw we will always be there to protect you for it. Okay?"

You nod and smile, hoping that he believes you however you can tell otherwise.

"So we are headed to Ben's home to talk to his older brother, what was it Mark or something," Sam asks.

"Yeah Mark's his brother, he believes he was taken but everyone else thinks he washed away in the flood that happened."

"Yeah that's what the dick Robert told us. What kind of a name is Robert Gray," Dean laughs to himself.

"Is that name familiar to you guys at all because I think I have heard it before," you let out digging in the files Officer Gray had given you.

_______

Heading back to the hotel room, Mark told you everything you needed to hear. Nothing as bad as what happened in IT. No pictures crying blood or anything super disgusting. However he did say he saw his brother following him in a creep fashion,like he was being hunted but his brother was not a ghost you knew that.

"So back that the station, what did you see?" Sam asked quietly while Dean was in the shower.

"Howler monkeys, " you said with a straight face looking something else up on your computer.

"First of all Y/N, you can't lie to me and second of all you definitely can't use the same lie Dean used."

"Proof it," you sassed.

"I am proving it now, was it Dean or me telling you to go away?"

"Sam why do you hate me, " you moan with a big eye roll," it was Dean being less than awesome."

In true Sam fashion he wraps you in a bigfoot sized arms and says, " You know neither of us what you to go anywhere kido, I know why this is your fear but it doesn't have to be."

You finally give into Sam's hug and reassure him that you know all of this and that's how you were able to shake out of it. Dean walks into the room covered only in a towel for the waste down, "Everything good."

"Yeah just peachy, you know moster no known way to kill it everything is great over here," you sass as Sam has let you go.

"So guys I was thinking about that and the loar book says it's true to whatever form it is in. So if it's human we can kill it even if it's not really human. We just have to believe it, if our fear is that we can't kill it then well we won't be able to."

"Go it, it bleeds it can be killed. I am still game on decapitation. What do you think Y/N?" Dean asks.

Well Mr Dean Winchester I think you could be trying to kill me right now, walking around in only a towel. You can't even make eye contact with him without thinking about the worlds that rolled off of his body doubles lips this afternoon.

"Um, sure why not," you say turning your attention back to your computer. "Robert Gray, really doesn't sound familiar to you guys at all?"

"Nope sweetheart," Dean let out. There is the voice that warms your heart, the tone of playful harmless flirting.

"Something doesn't feel right, whatever this thing has planned for us it's going to be good and it's going to try and pull us apart so we need to be on our game."

The conversation continue into the night before you fall asleep in Dean's bed. You wake up the next morning with his strong arms wrapped around you. This feeling right here, this is how you know Dean will never kick you to the curb, sure even if he thinks you are ugly or useless the protective Dean will always due his best to keep you and Sam safe.

"Good morning," Dean lets out before rolling onto his back," how did you sleep?"

"Great you know I have one of those electric blankets I forget the name...Dean Winchester's something or other to keep me warm all night."

"I hear those are expensive you should make sure to take care of that," Dean laughs out getting out of bed. Oh my if this fucking clown doesn't kill me it's quite possible that Dean will give me a heart attack in those boxer briefs.

Everyone is up and moving, talking about the case and who to talk to next.

"Holy fucking shit, Robert Gray, in the book that's what they call him. Stephen King actually says that's IT's name Pennywise the dancing clown is just a character IT plays to get kids," you yell out.

"So we go to the station and get him alone, " Sam asks.

"Nope there has to be a water tower, he has to be storing these kids somewhere. That's going to be his/her home."

"Her?" Dean asks.

"Look Dean, I am not sure. If it's like the original book this creature is going to be powerful and could be from another world...I just don't know."

"So like everything from the books could be true,"Dean says with a raised eyebrow.

"Of course you read the book with a Ritual of Chud, yeah that won't be happening for a few reason. The first and most obvious one being we didn't do this as children and we have already come of age," you say rolling your eyes.

Dean grabs his coffee and gets ready to join Sam at the car when he let's out "Good, sharings not really my thing," as he brushes by you.  Oh my Dean, might kill me first you think to yourself.

You spend the day driving around looking at possible location of where this knockoff pennywise could be calling home only to find nothing. Then you see it on the map, storm drains and a large drainage field. You give Dean the directions to check out this next location.

"Holy fuck, this is creepy," you let out," Okay so big take aways....stay together, if you see something try to manipulate your fear change your fear to something we can kill. If IT can bleed we can kill it. Lastly don't kill IT if you are facing your own fear, I don't want to chance the deadlights are a really thing."

You and the boys load up packing guns and machetes for the battle ahead, not knowing what you will find. Dean takes the lead going into the first tunnel, you are all staying close looking around seeing nothing yet.

Then you feel it an unwelcome hand on your shoulder, " Dean! Sam!"

By the time they turn you are gone, fucking really teleportation is really, this mother fucker can do it. When you can open your eyes again you start swinging your blade at Dean.

"Oh sweetheart, what do you think you are doing," Dean says with a cold tone.

"Ganking a monster," you sass knowing that cold tone was not Dean.

"Oh well in that case I am not too worried. Because you don't really kill monsters I do, but first you always find a way to get captured and fuck everything up. "

You try as hard as possible to re-focus your fear to something easier to kill, you do you best to channel all of Sam's fears of clowns. Even though you were swinging your blade at Dean the reality of it is you weren't doing to be able to take off his head you just couldn't. Before you know it IT's gone.  

You are on guard heading further into the drain, you can hear Dean and Sam's voices coming from afar so you pick up your pace. You walk into something you never thought you would see.

"Dean you failed me, I thought you wanted to keep me safe. You know just be friends so that you don't break my heart. But what did you do, you got me killed. Way to go hero. I should have never trusted you, sure Sammy over there would probably sell his soul to save me but you can't do that, not again. You only get out of that deal once. So what's next, Sam makes the deal with another demon. I come back but it wasn't you that saved me so it's not going to be you I am going to stay with. I will probably search for years to try and find a way to save Sammy....leaving you alone. No one to sit next to you in your precious Baby."

You can see Dean's blood boil but at the words as he takes a step forward, but the demon you tosses both Dean and Sam against the wall crushing their windpipes slowly so they are listening to every nasty word coming out of your mouth.

If it bleeds I can till it, you think to yourself, running your hands over your body looking for that last minute small blade you grabbed just in case. You waste no time creeping behind the demon version of yourself when you are close enough Dean sees you and you see one single tear roll down his cheek before you slam the blade into your own back.

"Good thing I know how to gank a demon,"you proudly sassed. However you're still not sure what will happen next, you see Sam and Dean fall to the ground and you see a brighter light than normal when killing a demon. Then you feel it a wave pushing you back, your body tumbling out of control before everything fades to black.

_______

When you wake up you're in a hospital bed, not really surprised you look around to see if Sam or Dean is in a bed next to you but see nothing. Looking around the room there are flowers, balloons, pictures in frames, you start to wonder how much time has passed.

You close your eyes and pray to Castiel that Dean will be the next person who walks into the door . However it's not, it's a nurse who is surprised to see you awake.

"Good to see you moving sweetheart," she says and the panic sets in with her comforting tone. Was it all a dream was it all fake where you really here the whole time. She can see your worry so she chimes in," Don't worry Y/N your boyfriend will be here any minute now, he comes every day and tells you stories about monsters. He said you loved a good horror movie. He's a keeper and his brother with the hair, I am not sure how you were able to choose between the two of them darling."

She helps you adjust the bed and sit up to drink some water. The nurse brings over a mirror and hair brush asking if you wanted to get ready for Mr Sexy as she called him. Looking in the you see a new scar on your face and while your hair is longer you have not aged too much.

"How long was I out for," you ask with almost no voice.

"6 months to the day. It's funny Mr Sexy brought in a specialist form some big town and after looking at everything he said it would 6 months, who would have thought on the dot."

"Doctor Novak has never been wrong," Dean says standing in the doorway.

"There's the lucky man, looks like she get to see you today," the nurse says finishing up and leaving the room.

"Dean," you try to say only coming out has a hoarse whisper. With a few long strides he's right by your bed.  Before you can even think he's got you wrapped in his arms tight enough for you to feel safe without crushing you, okay maybe a little bit of crushing was happening. When he places his lips to your forehead you can't help but let go of a tear.

"I am glad you're okay, Cas said it would take time something about ancient creature and standing too close." Pulling away a bit he places his forehead to yours looking into your eyes while cupping your face. "I know this might be too much but I made a promise to myself that the moment those eyes were open I would do this." His lips met yours as if he didn't want to break you, you returned his kiss gently as his hand caressed your face.

You clear your throat taking in the room once more, realizing that all of these things were only from Dean and possibly Sam. "Well it's about time Winchester, I mean really I hear we have been dating for 6 months." Your voice is still a bit hoarse but that doesn't matter Dean heard every word of it laughing at your comment, pressing his lips to yours once more.

Tags 

@keepcalmandbeajunkie

[valkyrie-echo]

Project Echo, Part 2: Chapter 23 (New Alliance)

Part 2 Summary: A new enemy surfaces with a team of the Avengers’ greatest foes, hand-picked for their destruction. Meanwhile, Inessa’s pre-Hydra past begins to surface, casting doubt on where her loyalties truly lie.

Chapter 23: New Alliance

Returning three hours later, Bucky and Inessa stepped out of the shadows in the lobby and, a moment later, Inessa felt the Valley sealed off. She was grounded once more. Sam and Steve (presumably alerted by JARVIS) came quickly down the stairs. Inessa braced for another argument, but Sam only smiled softly. Steve looked tired, but relieved, "I'm glad you're back safely. Where were you two?"

"A park," Inessa mumbled, "I don't know where. It was sunny."

"No wonder you look ready to drop then," Sam resisted the urge to prop up the pale, shivering teen. How long would it take her to sleep off that trip? Moving two people through broad daylight- she barely got a folder of papers through before.

She only nodded in reply, tipping slightly even as she did so. "We'll talk in the morning, alright?" Steve's voice was gentle. Inessa nodded and walked just past him to a long, low couch. She fell across it and was asleep before her head hit the cushions.

"I didn't know she was going to do that, jumping off the balcony-," Bucky started.

Steve cut him off, "I know, Buck. We saw the footage. Tell me just one thing, ok?"

"Anything."

"An hour after you left there was a massive explosion outside a small Japanese city. SHIELD thinks it might have been a Hydra facility detonating. Was that you two? Inessa was pretty pissed, if she pulled you along, if she didn't give you a choice but to cover her-"

"Absolutely not," Bucky stopped Steve before he got any further. He'd woken up something in that base, something more Winter Soldier than Bucky Barnes, and it made lying easy, "She jumped around a lot, like she wanted to run but didn't know where to. We stopped, finally, at that park." he was content to leave it there for a moment. If he focused too much on the park, it could peak Steve's suspicions. What would an innocent man say next? "Were there any fatalities? Should we get involved?"

"Seventeen injured so far, nothing even worth more than a day or two of observation in the hospital. No missing limbs, no dead pets. The injuries may rise, but no one will die."

"Well that's good at least," he felt sorry for Steve. The man looked worn down. Further disappointing him with the truth would only make things worse. At least, so Bucky told himself, "If it helps, I'm fairly certain we were somewhere near Seoul, maybe in China. Eastern Asia, for sure."

"How can you be sure?" Sam was curious.

Bucky shrugged, "The smell. In late summer there's always a smell like grass mixed with something spicy."

Steve accepted his word with a nod, but Sam wasn't convinced. He didn't press the issue for the exact same reason Bucky was telling himself he lied- for the sake of his friend. Maybe it would be something he could work through with Bucky separate from the other Avengers.

"It was a nice park," Bucky smiled a little, "lots of trees, a little stream just deep enough to wade in. Warm, like she said. There were no real paths, just areas with a bit less grass. We were lucky, there weren't many people there- I think I saw a kid and a few picnickers. No one came too close." The park wasn't a lie, which is why he could sell it so easily. Inessa was upset after they used the blood and eyes of the scientists to blow the base. There were no people in need of freeing, so instead she went back for the armory and packed every explosive she could carry around the burning, silver pillar of light that was the Helius device- the same one that killed her mother and gave her power. Just touching a hand to the raw stream of energy burning through it was enough to jolt her own powers to another level- one that didn't let a little thing like raw daylight stop her. Inessa didn't share this revelation with him though.

Bucky didn't know why Inessa chose that park. It was bright, cheerful- and incredibly draining to open a door through to. They could have gone anywhere dark- opening the door wouldn't have cost Inessa anything, but for some reason she chose the park. She seemed fine at first, but as the effects of the Helius device wore off, she grew more and more tired. Initially she lay on the grass with her feet in the stream and listened to the birds and bugs, but little by little Bucky saw color draining from her, dark bags form under her eyes, and her face was less relaxation as it was unbridled exhaustion. He shook her awake after two hours and suggested they return before the full effects of her power use were felt and they were trapped for who knows how long on the wrong side of the world.

Still, he had a feeling the rest in the park did more for Inessa than it could ever cost to open the return door into the Valley. She wasn't using anger to fuel her recovery for those hours, she simply let herself be as she wished to be- free. He sat a ways downstream to give the girl some time alone and rinsed his hands and arms in the water (Even though, in crossing into the Valley, Inessa left all of the blood behind- including the gore on Bucky).

"Sounds like paradise."

Bucky looked over to Sam, "It really was."

"Thanks for keeping an eye on her. I know you didn't have much choice," Steve glanced over as a remote suit entered and gently lifted Inessa from the couch to carry her upstairs. She didn't stir. "And thank you, JARVIS."

"My pleasure, sir," The A.I.'s voice was quiet, as if he were whispering. How had a guy like Tony- who was roughly 99% sass, created something... kind?

"Any theories on why Stark did it?"

Sam took this one, "He said he was tired of our 'Town Hall' debates on everything, so he took executive action. We can't get him to see that executive action cannot extend to unsanctioned human experiments. There was also a lot of swearing."

"It sounds like someone has their hooks in him," Bucky swore to Inessa in the park he wouldn't reveal Pryor's deception- not even to the doctor herself. If she went after him again, he'd just play along. Nothing but the guilt he still felt over his role in Project Echo made him obey the will of the teenager. That didn't mean he couldn't warn Sam and Steve somehow.

"Or he was just being Tony," Steve dismissed his theory. Bucky silently cursed.

"We'll figure it out," Sam shrugged, "but this time, let's do it before Hydra detonates half of New York's major tourist attractions, OK?"

Steve nodded his agreement, "If things get sketchy, more so than they already are, we'll head back to Clint's farm. New York's citizens have tolerated more than their share from us over the years. The goal is no civilian casualties next time."

After that they began to go their separate ways, conversation over. A loud grumble came from Bucky almost immediately. Sam patted his human shoulder, "We saved you and Inessa some food. You know how to use a microwave?"

Sebastian Morris' Base - Location Unknown

Morris had no way of knowing what was going on inside Avengers Tower- or forty stories beneath the balcony where Inessa and Bucky dissolved into shadow. He knew Pryor planted the seeds of dissent in Tony's mind- wholly against orders. The woman was a fool. Still, he needed her for now.

"Whenever plans start getting too big to manage, it means it's almost time to strike," John Ryker came to Morris in his office. Everyone knew the plan, and they'd seen his face when he heard Pryor's message- fury, rapidly contained. Only such unsavory company recognized it before his charming, cool mask returned.

"And yet we are nowhere near ready."

John disagreed, "You've got me, Albatross, Barton, Borson, Pryor, and the two demon-things. Count yourself in that mix and the element of surprise and the battle is all wrapped up with a bow. I admire your strategies, but believe me when I say that if you attacked right now, you'd win. If you wait, Pryor could blow the entire operation herself."

Morris didn't look back at him, "I have you, they have the Hulk. I have Albatross, they have Romanoff. I have one Barton, they have the other. I have Cul Borson, they have Thor Odinson, I have Pryor, they have your granddaughter, who is far superior in abilities by the way. I may have Barnes and Rogers at one another's throats, or they may have them united. They have Stark. They have Sam Wilson. They outnumber us by one, maybe two- I doubt Pryor's usefulness will extend into open combat. Until our numbers are evenly matched, or until we have superior forces, we continue to grow. That is the deal we all agreed to- one kill each, no split focus. Thomas Dennisson was weak, he jumped the gun and lost the battle. I'll not lose the war.

"Is the turncoat bitch really worth all this?" John never called Inessa or Nadya or whoever she was by name. As far as he was concerned she'd turned her back on everything her family stood for. Hydra to the core- no exceptions allowed.

"My master believes so, and therefore I do as well."

"So who else joins the party?" A new voice came from the doorway, prompting Morris to turn at last.

"Welcome back mister Barton- pardon, Berny," Morris raised a cup of tea in a cheers gesture, "wonderful work in New York."

Berny nodded to Ryker, acknowledging his presence, "It gave me the opportunity to field test the new hardware. Things have changed while I rotted in jail."

"And your medications?"

He held two gray vials up, "Right where I left them. I killed a lot of people to find this stuff. It'll extend my eyesight beyond even Hawkeye the Mighty," his voice was bitter on the last part.

"Why do you hate him so much again?" Ryker still wasn't the biggest fan of trusting a man to kill his own blood. On the other hand, he'd end Nadya in an instant for her insolence, if he could. Perhaps then he was judging unfairly. Berny seemed like a decent man.

"He bugs me, plus he tried to kill me first," Berny growled, tracing the scar on his cheek. "Oh, and his girlfriend locked me up for almost 20 years. I'll thank her for that one by taking him out. If she's still fighting Albatross when that happens, I'll give her his eyes on the point of one of his arrows."

"Don't tease the prey," Morris reminded him. This wasn't the first time he'd said it to his cabal, "That is the demise of every foolish man. Kill fast, savor the sight of the corpse rather than the kill itself. You can give Natasha your gift when Albatross has finished. Otherwise you risk galvanizing her against the both of you and we end up two men down. One loose Avenger is too many for my taste."

"As long as I get to give someone his eyes, skewered on an arrow, and I get pictures- I'm happy."

"Good," Barton was easy to get along with, Morris liked him, "and as for your earlier question- I've had my eye on one new ally for some time, I just need final permission to approach her handlers. I'm closing in on Sam Wilson's enemy."

"I get confused, so bare with me," Berny shrugged. "You're not Hydra?"

"Correct."

"Do they know that?"

"No."

"But you still work with them?"

"When our interests are aligned."

"And when this is all over and the Avengers are dead?"

Morris had arranged everything, "Cul Borson will rule this realm. You may serve under him as you do me now in exchange for kingdoms and wealth, I have his word, or you may return with me to meet my master and rule entire solar systems."

Berny smiled, "Cosmic Emperor Berny Barton, now that's my kind of prize."

"Not bad at all," Ryker began making plans for his new kingdom. He'd not leave Earth, he wasn't as ambitious and overly-thirsty for power. Ruling a solar system hardly sounded like a fun second-life. A kingdom though? A utopia for Hydra to flourish and grow unchecked? That he was willing to bank on."

"Don't get ahead of yourselves," Morris warned. "We haven't won the war... yet," he allowed himself a little smile and a little hope, "but if Sin joins us? We're one very large step closer."

"Who's Sin?" Ryker didn't recognize the name, and he'd known about all of Hydra's assets.

"The Red Skull's very own daughter."

Chapter 24: The Secret Messenger

[elvendara]

:0 .werecat mc gets kid(cat)napped by rika? And the rfa and the werewolf twins have to save her but the catch is rika is trying to brain wash mc with a shock collar or like she did to searan and they have to find her befor it's to late .

All right Anon! You asked for it! There is some nasty stuff in here ya’ll. Blood, gore, yuck…..Be Warned!!!! Read at your own risk…….

SPOILERS FOR SECRET ENDINGS

I am tired now. Too tired to edit or reread…so forgive any grammar or spelling errors, this. took. hours! The things I do for you anon

MC felt groggy. When had she fallen asleep? Last thing sheremembered, she had been coming out of the C&R building having just had ameeting with Jumin to talk about the previous party’s guest list. They didn’twant to have that conversation over the phone or through emails, so she hadagreed to meet with him.

She had stepped out of the building, into the sunshine,thinking about Saeyoung, and that was the last thing she remembered.

She opened her eyes and blinked them slowly, they kind ofburned, she tried to bring her hands up to her eyes to rub at them, but shefound that she could not move them very far. There was also a metallic clinkwhen she tried. She couldn’t sit up either. She moved her head around, tryingto clear the cobwebs that seemed to have gathered in her brain.

Her wrists were handcuffed to a metal railing on the bed shenow lay on. She tried to move her legs but her ankles felt as if they were tiedas well. She looked around the room, it was small and sparse, besides her bedthere was chair, a table and a dresser. There were no windows the door lookedlike steel. The flickering lights above her were low wattage fluorescents.

She is slightly panicky. She could get out of therestraints, but she is pretty sure the door is locked.

She hears footsteps getting closer to her door then therattle of keys as it is unlocked. Whatever she was expecting, it sure as hellhad not bee this.

“Rika?”

“Oh, good, you’re awake.” Her voice was soft and sweet, itmade MC’s blood boil. This was the bitch that had caused everyone in the RFA somuch pain. The one responsible for V’s death. Her heart raced and she had tokeep herself calm or she might change without intending to.

Rika had brought in a small case that she set on the table. Unfortunately,she had also closed and locked the door again.

“What am I doing here? What do you want from me?” she triedto get her talking, maybe she could find out if there was anyone else in thebuilding.

“I want what every savior wants. Complete adoration andobedience.” The smile on her face was strange and crazed. She had pulled out avial of green liquid, mint green liquid, and was filling a syringe with it.

MC knew what that was, she had heard Saeran talk about itoften enough. She knew that the first few doses wouldn’t cause her to becomesomeone else, but the more she was injected, the harder it would be to detoxfrom it. Was she willing to accept this first injection? Could she wait for theothers to rescue her or did she need to do it herself?  She closed her eyes and screamed in her headfor Saeyoung. it was pathetic she knew, but she desperately wanted to see herwerewolf husband and brother-in-law crash through the door and tear this wannabemessiah to shreds.

“There!” Saeyoung screamed. He was in the security office ofJumin’s building with the rest of the RFA members behind him. MC had not comehome when she was supposed to, and any attempt to reach her had been met withsilence. Her phone was no longer active. Saeyoung had contacted the othersthrough the app and Jumin had agreed to let Saeyoung have access to thecomputers in his building. Saeyoung could have accessed them from home, but theinformation he wanted would be easier and faster to find through theirterminal.

The video was good quality, only the best for C&R andthey could clearly see that a blonde woman, wearing an overcoat and hat overher face, had injected MC with something then walked off with the groggy woman.

“Can you follow her?” asked Yoosung, wringing his hands, hewas even more terrified thanhe had previously been. He had been hoping that MCwas ok and there was an innocent explanation about where she had been. That illusionwas thoroughly shattered.

“As long as there are cameras in the area, yes. Hopefully theydidn’t go far.” He quickly found them again in an underground parking lot. MCwas still on her feet but she looked out of it, as if she was drunk. Anyone witnessingthe two would just assume that the drunk woman’s friend was taking care of her.They approached a white van and the blonde woman opened the side door andpushed MC in, her feet disappeared and Jaehee gasped. The woman pulled her hatoff and threw it on top of MC and turned briefly towards the camera, Saeyoungpaused the image and they all gasped this time.

“It can’t be.” Yoosung said weakly. Saeran tensed up besidehim and a low growl escaped his lips. Yoosung put his arms around his boyfriendand Saeran wrapped his arms around Yoosung as well. They held each other asSaeyoung kept speeding through camera after camera, following the van.

“I’ll get a mobile team ready to move once you find theaddress.” Jumin said, pulling out his phone and stepping outside.

“We won’t need that, will we Saeyoung?” Saeran snarled.

“No.” was Saeyoung’s only answer. His eyes were glowing, thefingernails on his hands trying to extend into claws. He kept it at bay, heneeded his human skills to find his wife. He didn’t wait long, the van hadtraveled for eleven blocks, turning once and traveling another five. It disappearedinto what appeared to be an auto shop. Saeyoung checked the timestamp on thevideo and fast forwarded it to the current time, making sure that they had notleft again. He noted the address and wrote it down.

“We should come with you as well.” Zen said, wanting to dosomething but feeling useless.

“Saeran and I will go, here, give this to Jumin, have himsend his team and surround the building, hopefully we won’t need them, but ifshe somehow gets past us, his men may be able to keep her from escaping.

“Saeran!” Yoosung held onto Saeran’s arm, his eyesglistening.

“I won’t have mercy on her if that’s what you’re going toask me Yoosung.”

“No, that’s not…it’s just…be safe…” Saeran’s face softenedand he kissed Yoosung’s forehead.

“Let’s go Saeran!” Saeyoung was impatient to get going.

“Let’s go.” Saeran ran out the door with his brother, Jumincalling after them. They ignored him and ran down the stairs, it was faster forthem. They headed towards the parking garage and jumped into Saeyoung’s sportscar. They could have turned and run there just as fast, but they would haveleft a wake of witnesses and chaos. Saeyoung started the car and tore throughthe garage and the streets, weaving in and out of traffic, sometimes even ontooncoming traffic. Luck was on their side as they did not come across a singlecop car.

They made it to the building in minutes and jumped out,Saeyoung leaving the keys in the car and the door open. He was beyond careing.

“There!” Saeran said and pointed to the fire escape thatsnaked up the building. “I can smell her.”

“Me too.” Saeyoung’s nostrils were filling with MC’s scent,she was here, and she was scared. They both transformed and ran at the fireescape, jumping to the landing and jetting up the steps to the sixth floor,where MC’s scent led them. Saeyoung didn’t stop and crashed right through thewindow.

The crash of glass broke through the air and Rika pausedwhat she was doing. She had not injected her yet, but it had been close. CouldMC dare to hope that rescue was at hand? Rika walked to the door slowly and layher ear against it. There were sounds of a commotion outside the door,screaming, yelling, growling, snarls, and gunshots.

Oh no, they were shooting at her husband, that was it! MCtransformed and jumped off the table as fast as she could, she ran behind thedresser and waited for Rika to notice she was no longer on the bed.

“Damnit.” Rika was angry, how had they found htem so fast? “Saeyoung!Saeyoung again! Why can’t he leave me alone!” she growled and turned back toMC, intent on stabbing her with her poison. She was shocked when there wereonly her clothes on the bed. How had she gotten out of her restraint? They werestill intact on the metal bars. She looked around the room, there was nowherein there that a woman could hide.

When her back was to MC, she scurried from behind thedresser and jumped over the bed at Rika’s back. Midflight she reverted to humanform and crashed into the smaller woman with a scream. She grabbed at the syringe,trying to extricate it from Rika’s hand. Rika screeched and reached behind herto grab at MC’s hair. Snatching a handful, she pulled viciously. MC screamed inpain but held on to Rika’s hand, her other arm around her throat, she tangledher legs around Rika’s and they went down together, MC on top. She sat back,grabbed Rika’s hair and slammed her face into the floor. That made Rika let goof her own hair and drop the syringe. MC picked it up, yanked her head backagain and rammed the tip into her eye, shoving it as far as it would go. Rika Shriekedand grabbed at the syringe, trying to pull it out. MC got off of her andhurried to put her clothes back on. Once she was dressed again, she pulled out thekeyring in Rika’s pocket and headed for the door.

The commotion had died down outside, it was eerily quiet. Sheunlocked the door and stepped outside. The hallway was littered with bodies,men in uniforms, she could see claw marks and teeth marks on them, she surveyedthe carnage. There was a grunt and what sounded like something falling againstthe wall. She turned the corner and saw Saeran, still in his wolf form,standing over a naked man.

“Saeyoung!” she ran to him, he had been shot. There was abullet wound in his left thigh. Another in his chest, left side, below hisnipple. His breathing was labored and heavy.

“I’m fine, MC, you saved yourself.” He tried to laugh and itturned into coughing.

“Stop talking you idiot.” She yanked a shirt off one of the bodiesand tried to staunch the blood from his chest wound. The one on his leg lookedlike it had stopped bleeding. Saeran nosed her shoulder. A questioning look inhis eyes. He glanced towards where Rika was still screaming, then back at her.

“Go, I’ll stay with Saeyoung.” he nodded then lickedSaeyoung’s face before he bounded away.

Entering the room, Saeran saw Rika sitting against the desk,her hand still grasping the syringe which was now on her lap. Her eye was agaping hole, nothing left of it at all. She was still alive and in a lot ofpain. Good, he thought. He stalked her slowly, watching as her good eyefollowed his progress to her. She knew who he was, he didn’t have to tell her. Shealso knew what was coming. Saeran tried to feel bad about it, he tried to feelguilty, even if just for Yoosung’s sake, but he found that he felt nothing butloathing and contempt for this woman. The world would be better off.

He bared his teeth, then snapped his jaws around her neck. Hefelt the blood gush into his mouth and her body convulse violently. It lastedseconds and then she was still. He dropped her and looked at her lifeless eye. Hefelt no regret, he turned sideways, lifted his leg, and peed on her beforerejoining his real family.

Jumin’s team had come inside when the shooting had startedand were coming up the stairs. Saeran reverted and sat next to his brother. Itwould be easier to explain two naked men than to explain a werewolf. MC noticedthe blood on Saeran’s mouth and understood what he had done. She reached out tohim and he held her hand. Saeyoung set his on top of Saeran’s. They would beok. The monster was gone.

Werewolf AU

[dcnativegal]

Compulsion & Identity

Ruminations of a Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor--Intern

I’m sitting in one of the group therapy sessions with clients who have kept sober from a variety of substances for months or perhaps only days. They pee into a cup or suck on a saliva stick to prove their sobriety to me and their probation officers. They are biding their time and showing up and jumping through hoops that include community service, visits to Treatment Court, and paying off probation fines. Each one of them has harrowing stories. I have so much respect for them. Even when I know for sure they are flat out lying.

I’m trying to understand what it’s like, mentally, emotionally, and socially as they maneuver through their lives and all their important relationships as a sober person. We talk about it. One person admitted, I still don’t know who I am, sober.  I know I was funnier when I was high…

I’m learning all about “Substance use disorder” which is the newest term. (No longer abuse, and less use of the term ‘addiction.’) I have a stack of books with titles like “Buzzed” and “Uppers and Downers.” I remember from my early social work training that there is a stunting of brain maturation when a person starts using a substance regularly. Each of these people starting using as young teenagers. The growing human learns to navigate through life with the help of the mellowing effects of pot, the mania and energy of meth, the disinhibitions of alcohol. There are supremely stupid choices that are made under the influences.  They don’t know how to deal with frustration, with a broken heart, with the moments included under the umbrella: ‘shit happens.’

I don’t know anyone who deals with ‘shit happens’ perfectly.  Well, maybe the Dalai Lama, and the late great Maya Angelou.

My personal drugs of choice are carbs and yarn. Carbs may kill me in the end. I’ve developed pancreatitis, in large part because it’s a side effect of an injectable drug that worked well for me for a couple of years. The other part of why is, simply, gluttony. (Noun. Habitual greed or excess in eating. Ouch. Literally.) My side started hurting in December, and I self-diagnosed kidney stones, so upped the liquids. Didn’t get into see my family nurse practitioner until mid-January. NOT kidney stones but pancreatitis. What the…?  Clear liquids for me. Who knew that there are dozens of kinds of broth.  Although the pain did not disappear, it lessened, and the lipase and other lab values went down to normal when I stuck to liquids. When I eat solids again, the pain and labs worsen. So I’ve been off and on solid food for a while. Every one to two weeks, I give a couple of vials of blood and 3 hours later, my nurse scolds me. Kinda like peeing into a cup, or sucking a saliva test strip. Clean UA? Good labs? It depends on behavior.

Humbling.

A client ‘bangs’ (injects) meth. I indulge in a cookie, or three. Not equivalent, exactly. But pancreatitis is dangerous. Meth is, too.

When ‘shit happens’ to me, which includes simply a bad day, I realized some time ago that I have  a sense of entitlement, of somehow ‘deserving’ the special treat of new yarn, or a Peppermint Patty. Because…. Insert self justification here….  I can imagine that some of the same justification goes on in the mind of people who use meth or pot or beer compulsively.  “I’ve been good… It was a shitty day… Fuck you, bossy bitch, I’m going out… “  As I stand in the checkout line at Safeway, I’m like, I’m tired, just one Peppermint Patty won’t kill me…

Dark chocolate, ice cream, cookies. I’ve heard alcoholics say that if there’s alcohol in the house, it calls to them. Same for me with chocolate. Valerie hides it. At the moment, I think we are totally out. Which is good. (I found her stash. ‘Bye, ‘bye stash. I am a gluttonous theif.)  I’ve been keeping a pile of tiny chocolates in my office for my clients. I give up. They’re all gone now. I couldn’t resist them. I’ll put stress balls in the box that held the mini-snickers and Twix. The Twix were very popular. I was especially fond of the mini-Milky Ways with dark chocolate. Val discovered Russell Stover’s sugar free peppermint patties. Oh. My. God. They are now on the banned list, even though they are sugar free. Even after I start feeling sick, I can eat 10 at a sitting. Like the rat hitting the cocaine water until he dies.

I knew someone who had a compulsion to use pornography. The idea would take root and next thing, that person would be walking into a strip club. Feeling disgusted later, dirty and depressed, the urge would diminish for a while, until the next time. My basic feeling about this whole arena is: tip the sex worker very well and be respectful. But, the compulsion, if it harms relationships with real live humans outside the club, is a problem. Not to mention how porn distorts what men think women actually enjoy.

Cravings.

Chocolate or yarn doesn’t HAVE to be a problem, but for me it is. Everything in moderation, except for me with sugar or yarn. I can ignore a wine bottle. No interest in illegal drugs. But keep sugar away from me. And no more yarn… hm… until I hit the new Willows store in Christmas Valley again.  Seed planted, insert rationalization: I’m supporting an independent local business! (I think this is called ‘stinkin’ thinking’. )

What is your ‘self medication’ of choice, dear reader?

Weed, which seems to be the drug of choice for teens in Lake County is a mixed bag. Pun intended. It made me paranoid and more anxious than I already was when I used it in college. It’s legal in some states but federally illegal. The medical marijuana card is a great thing for those who need it. I’ve seen the videos with people who have Parkinson’s go from violent tremors to graceful movement. For young people, though, I’ve seen it among my kids’ friends, how all motivation seems to vanish. It is the slacker’s drug of choice. I have teenaged clients who are mandated to see me because of weed, and they pee into a cup. I want for them every ounce of motivation to get them out of poverty and do well in school, find a trade, make a better living than their parents.

Our group discussion gave me a chance to revisit my own struggles with identity, as well as my own compulsive behavior.  Perhaps there is a parallel between my deep discovery in my early 40s that I am really and truly gay and my clients’ growing familiarity with their sober selves. For me, it was 2003. My husband had given me permission to figure out whether or not I was gay, bi, whatever. He’d had a serious heart attack, and earnestly pointed out that life is short. What a gift. What insanity.  This journey led to the end of our marriage, which was a hard and painful process but also, to lives lived with authenticity. Thank goddess for therapists. The kids survived and thrived, and he has been with a lovely, gifted, hilarious and STRAIGHT woman for something like 10 years. I have been with the cowhand for nearly 6.

What made that part of my history relevant, perhaps, to the path of the newly sober, is that I had to regroup my identity. As my children’s father put it, I’d changed teams. Not only was I on a different team, that team had a culture, a lingo, a look and feel that was perceptible by something called ‘gaydar’ which I had the beginnings of but really needed to step up. I rented every classic lesbian movie I could find, and some of them were terrible, but all of them taught me something. As a feminine-appearing gay woman, I needed to learn about femmes and femme culture since I am so not a butch. I read Joan Nestle, founder of the Lesbian Herstory Archives, and the hilarious Leslea Newman who wrote, ‘Out of the Closet with Nothing to Wear’, and the classic, “Heather has two Mommies.” I watched lesbians, especially in lesbian spaces. I learned about my own body, my own range of gender expression.

I moved to the Oregon Outback to be with my sweetie full time instead of half the year, and out here, I miss gay space (like a gay bar, community center, or Pride event), other gay people, any tiny glimpse of a gender bending queer sensibility.

We all feel this way, in each of our identities. Jewish people feel more comfortable when surrounded by other Jews. Women feel relaxed when there are no men present, and vice versa. Alcoholics can avoid the stigma when they are with other alcoholics. Ranchers enjoy the company of other ranchers.

Just this past week I met, FINALLY, another gay person who lives in Lake County. This person is married, and so now I know there are FOUR GAY PEOPLE IN LAKE COUNTY.  We’ll have a tiny gay pride parade in our living room come June, with a very large rainbow flag.

For my newly sober clients, it’s an adventure to learn who they are with their families, with their wives or husbands or girlfriends or boyfriends, with their employers, at their church. To say to their children, “yes, I have messed up, and I’m getting it together. No need to be sarcastic with me. I am still your parent.” They seek out the company of others in recovery to survive. There are several twelve step meetings in the county, thank goodness.  Since all of my clients started using in their early teens, there is a lot of growing up to do, all the while they have very real and heavy adult responsibility. It’s a lot to manage, in a punitive and financially strapped environment.  

For the sober, a hot bath has to take the place of a beer, or a bowl. All of those strong emotions cannot be mediated by a substance. Frustration? Anger? Sadness? How does one deal with those without an upper or a downer?  And if I have a rough day, I do not have to buy a Peppermint Patty.

I seek to relate to them and their stories, even while I immerse myself in online courses about substance use disorder. It’s a bit narcissistic, I know, to search for my own parallel struggle to humanize theirs. But as Anne Lamott once so wisely said, I am the turd around which the world revolves.

On New Year’s Eve, I went to Soul Collage at Toni’s house in Paisley, and made a New Year’s mandala (which I shared a picture of, two posts ago.)  In the center is a primate surrounded by bananas, and around the primate were examples of embodiment, words of encouragement, and healthy foods. It was shortly into 2017 that I was diagnosed with pancreatitis. I am now FORCED by my side pain and bad labs to get my eating act together, out of the realm of gluttony. Be careful what you wish for.

I went to Soul Collage again recently, and created two cards to help me tell the story of my clients, and also my own story. They depict the journey from serious faces to happy faces, with stops at

·        Know thine enemy and maybe befriend them, (the man and the skunk, the user and the dealer, the lesbian and the Trumpette)

·        Find your people and cuddle up to them to rest (like a pile of kittens)

·        Be creative in all things, with colored pencils or your new sense of who you can be now

·        Get used to feeling your feelings including the negative ones. They will not kill you. Smoking or ‘banging’ them away is procrastination. So are Peppermint Patties.

·        Do the work. No way to short cut the work. Carry the water that needs carrying and don’t be a whiney child about it. I know it’s a bitch to be a grownup and exercise self-control when other people are allowed to be such pains in the asses!!! Remember: sometimes, I AM THAT BITCH.

·        Allow time for joy, for running free, for deeply enjoying pleasure that doesn’t carry guilt. Find that joy if it’s new to you, the guilt-free kind! (Salad? Sigh. Knitting with the yarn I already own? YES.)

·        Make a home within yourself if not in the outside world. Make that home cozy and full of love. Beautiful and familiar. Full of life and healing. (I’m ALWAYS working at this, the finding and maintenance of home…)

The journey to sobriety, to a whole and generous life, is not a straight line, more like a circle or a spiral, hopefully forward. All the same, as Proust said,

The real voyage of discovery consists in not seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.         

[mypersonalcollections]

I feel like I’m in one of those movies. Or one of those overrated shows on Netflix that I binge watch in one night. Every time I watch them, I always wished my life was like theirs. Why? Is it because it seems their life is way more exciting than mine? Probably. 

So much shit has happened in the past month. I feel like it’s God’s final test before I eventually become truly independent in university. Let’s start from the beginning. 

I’m a lonely guy. It may not seem like it on the outside, with my facade trying to seem happy, or intimidating by my frown, but I am. These are all defense mechanisms to protect me. It keeps me safe, it prevents me from going outside my comfort zone.

 During spring break, unlike the rest, I was at home. I felt like a loser. Like an absolute fucking loser. I felt like I should be doing something. Anything. Stop being a fuckin loser, Ian. So I did. Who knew  I’d be the type to look for hookups...Anyway, I did that. I downloaded Grindr, and the rest was history. I mean at first it was fine, I met cool people, and friends. But I needed to preoccupy myself. So I met up, recklessly. Haven’t I learned anything from school? From sex-ed? Has everything you’ve learned just thrown out the window? Yes. I was fucking bored, I was fucking lonely. Where are your friends? I mean its not like they’d want to hang out everyday. I’m not gonna lie, I’d get pretty sick of that too. They have their own lives. Way more friends than I do. Back on track...So I hooked up...I felt like the shit. Damn Ian, you’re finally acting like the bad boy you’ve always wanted to be. How many guys did you meet? Oh a couple, around 5 or 6. That’s a lot in just a week. Oh yeah. It is. I lied constantly to my parents saying “Oh, I have a study group in the library” or “I’m going to eat breakfast with so and so”, not knowing that my actual intentions were to get my dick sucked. I came home everyday, saying some bullshit ass story like “yeah...It was fun”. I was talking about the sex.

 Let me tell you about this one guy, he was insecure as fuck. Told me to un-install Grindr, probably because he was too insecure knowing that I might be fucking with other people. I texted him two days in a row saying if he wanted to hang out. All the time, he’s always at the gym with his boys. I know it sounds petty. I felt like a bitch, like one of those bitchy chicks that felt neglected. But really all he used me for was his pleasure. Fuck that. He messaged me a few days ago saying if I wanted to hang out. “Where?” , I asked. “At my place? I’m home alone”. Nice. Like I don’t know what you’re really planning. So I didn’t reply. Blocked his number, never came back. 

Out of all the guys I’ve met, there was this one particular guy. His name was Gordon. He was older than me, but I didn’t mind. I was reluctant at first to meet up with him. It was a Tuesday morning I believe...I got off at Fishcreek station, he picked me up in his jeep. He was just as attractive in person as he was in the pic he had sent me. We went to the mall pretty early, being the older one he was obviously the gentleman. He bought me coffee, and offered to walk around the mall for a bit before the movie started. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Sugar daddy? You’re right. I thought that too. I mean, we went to Nordstrom and he bought me two high-end brand shirts. And he paid for my movie ticket. And he paid for my food. What more could you want? We went back to his place. And I think you know what happened from there. Damn...That sounded better in my head. I sound like a slut. But I’ll get more to that later. Over the past couple days we hung out, movies, netflix, food. It was fun. Until I remembered.

I had unprotected sex. If anything, that was the most stupidest shit I have ever done. It wasn’t with Gordon. It was with someone else. Right after sex I remember laying in my bed, paranoid, fucking terrified. I picked up my phone and texted Gordon. I told him I had unprotected sex. I was scared that he would be angry, disappointed in me. He replied around 10 minutes later, just as I had expected. He wasn’t mad though, just disappointed. I called him. Crying. He asked me “You told me you were clean. I trusted you, I know I’m clean, and now you’re me you had unprotected sex without even telling me?” It hit me hard. I knew it word by word. That’s how hard it had hit me. I lied to him. I told him “It was after we met”. But it was long before. 

You see, the problem was. If I did have HIV before meeting Gordon, then I would have transmitted it to him. And that was my dilemma. I lied to him, and I remember imagining how terrifying the whole situation was. Imagining myself getting tested positive for an STD, having my parents find out, having to take those meds, having Gordon get angry with me...Why are you so affected by Gordon? He’s just a guy. Well you see, he’s not just a guy. That night, he picked me up, I was crying. The ride to his home was silent. He held my hand and told me everything was going to be okay. He ordered pizza and lasagna and we watched a movie. I felt better. He dropped me home and that was that. The reason why I tell you this is because I felt like Gordon was kind of like my dad. Or, what I wished my dad was more like. For most of my childhood my dad was never home, nor did I ever see him, because he was always out for work, or travelling. Now that he’s out of work, he’s always with my younger brother. I get pissed, not gonna lie, I’ve never really had a dad to truly, you know, be there, be my pal, be my buddy. Gordon embodied everything in a dad that I wanted. 

A few days later I told my mom that I needed to go to the doctor because my cough had lasted for over a month (which was true). So I did. They came with me. We went to the walk-in clinic and when the nurse called my name I went inside the room. My mom smiled at me, I gave her a sympathetic smile, almost a sad smile, not knowing the whole truth to me. So I sat down at the office, waiting impatiently for the doctor to show up. I told him my symptoms, yet, he said everything was fine. What I found really struggling to get out of my mouth was saying that I had sex. It was embarrassing. He gave me some papers and told me to get tested at the lab nearby. And that was that.

When I got home, I texted Gordon. I told him I got the papers and was wondering if he could drive me there after school on Friday. For the rest of the week, it felt like there was this cloud just following me. Like there was some sort of grey smog or some blurry thing in the back of my mind. Just the thought of testing positive for the STD made me sick. I had diarrhea for 3 days straight. I couldn’t focus in any of my classes. I got behind in chem, but surprisingly not social. I kept ditching psych class.When Friday finally came, I got off at Fishcreek and Gordon picked me up. We went to his house, and I remember staying there for a couple of hours...Just laying with him in the couch...pondering my decisions and what the fuck I became. I told him “maybe I shouldn’t get tested...What if it’s not accurate”. But really I was just scared. I think it was around 3 hours later that I actually mustered up my courage to say, hey, let’s fucking go. So we did. We drove to the medical hospital. Floor 2 was the lab. I walked in there, anxious as fuck. I waited in line, and there was this dude just staring at me. He got tested too, you could tell by the bandaid in his arm. Anyway, he stared at me, probably thinking, “What is this kid doing here getting tested for STDs?”. When we finally reached the reception, she asked for my papers and my Alberta health card (which I stole from my mom’s wallet a week ago) and we sat down. It was around 30 minutes later that a nurse called me to a room. I walked there, nervous obviously. I told her I never got tested before. She was sweet. Around her 40s probably. Deep wrinkles in her eyes, cheeks, but a very wide smile and a soothing voice. The needle didn’t hurt, I just kept talking to her, distracting myself. “How long have you worked here?” “Are you all registered nurses in this lab?” You know, all those bullshit questions. After all that was done, I had to take a urine sample. I pissed in the vial, put it in the compartment and the rest was history. 

Little did I know that this was the final and last time that I would ever see Gordon. Right after the lab, I felt confident. Relieved actually. There was no more uncertainty. No more wondering. My fate was at their hands now. I remember this memory being very blissful. It was sunny and windy. No snow. Well, except for the ones on the ground. I remember we went to fatburger, he told me to get whatever I wanted on the menu. I felt like a little kid looking up at the candy shop. I ordered the biggest thing there. A double bacon cheese burger with sauteed mushrooms and onions. With fries on the side of course. Once we got our order we sat down. I apologized to Gordon right away. I told him that I was being an ass, being promiscuous behind his back. He told me jokingly “that’s what you get for being a little slut”. And you know what made me feel like shit? I’ll get into this later. But what made me feel like shit was up until this moment, I truly didn’t know Gordon. All I knew was that he was there for me when no else was. There was no one I could turn to for this. He could’ve easily just turned his back out of anger. But instead, he drove me there to get tested, he took me into his home like his own. For what? For a slutty teen who didn’t know any better? Who was being a slut behind his back? I was being unfaithful to him and yet, he still took me in. He told me about his past relationships with other guys, one recently he broke up with because, well you guessed it, he was cheating on Gordon. After we finished eating, he dropped me off to my house. I looked him in the eye before getting out and thanked him. He smiled. And that was the last smile I ever saw from Gordon. 

A few days later I matched with this one guy on Tindr, he was cute. His name was Owen, and his caption was “Part time straight”. I was generally curious as to what that was. I had no intention of hooking up or even hanging out for that matter. Just curious. So I messaged him saying “What does part time straight mean exactly?”. And we started talking. Few hours later he says he knew me from somewhere, and I did too, somewhat. I took a random guess since he did look like that one barista from Starbucks near our school...Coincidentally he was. We freaked. That was pretty funny. It took three days until we both agreed to meet up. Just for breakfast though. So we met up at Starbucks during my morning spare. We walked to Denny’s. I ordered a french toast with sausage and egg and bacon. That was delicious. We took an Uber back to school. I suggested he come into school and walk with me to class since he apparently had never been inside the school before. We got to my chem class, I patted him on the back and said bye. 

There was this topic we talked about in Denny’s. I asked him if he was gay. He said, for the most part. He asked me if I was gay. I said, “I’m not too sure”. I know I like girls. I can imagine myself with a woman. I can imagine myself having sex with a woman. Yet, I feel the same about men as well. But I don’t act feminine. Nor do I want to. Guess that was just who I was. “What’s that I called?” I asked him. He didn’t know. Well, he didn’t remember. When I sat down in chem class I got a text from him, a message stating one word: Hetero flexibility. 

We watched a movie the next day after class. It was the first time I was able to get close to him. Obviously. The theater is like the best place to make a move. We sat down as the movie played, nothing too exciting really. I mean if you count leaning on each other’s shoulders exciting, or touching knees. He confessed he wanted to hold my hand earlier in the theater, but I was too occupied with crossing my arms apparently. So we held hands on the train home.

I guess you could call Friday a date. We went to eat at a Korean restaurant, he made me try Bibimbap or whatever it’s called. It was okay. Then we went to downtown, first it was this lights museum. Pretty underwhelming to be honest. Then we went to the Bell Museum, I played guitar for him. And piano. And ukulele.I guess he liked that a lot. 

Our final stop was this park in downtown...I remember it so vividly. We walked down an icy trail...It wasn’t cold, it was breezy; but you could manage. We followed this trail, over a bridge going through a river, until we approached this massive hill in the center of the park. As we walked towards it, he said to me: “You know, you’re the first guy who I have no sexual intentions with”. I didn’t know how to respond. I actually forgot what I said because I was so caught up with the moment. We sat at the top. We over looked the skyline of the city. You could clearly see cars passing by the bridge over the river. The river slowly eroding away the ice and snow. Dead trees littered the landscape while the cool breeze fumbled with our hair. I remember revealing a lot of myself to him that one day. I remember telling him how I was so sick of hoking up and making meaningless memories. Constantly feeling empty and dull inside. I wanted something that mattered. I felt like I was looking at the mirror image of myself. He understood me. Truly. And I did too. And for once I actually felt a new emotion. It wasn’t lust or even love. it wasn’t friendship. I couldn’t describe it. I just knew I liked him. A lot. I told him “I’ll probably never find anyone like you again”. 

I remember I kissed him on that hill before I left. It was somewhat awkward. He leaned in and I turned away. I looked at the distance and I told him, “I’ve never done this before..” He replied, “What, kiss?”. “No, I’ve kissed. Many times. But those were all meaningless. It’s easy to kiss during hookups cause it doesn't matter. It was easy kissing my ex because I didn’t like her”. I told him he was different. It was hard for me to actually make a move because I truly did feel an emotional connection with him that I had never felt before.

That night he texted me saying much I truly meant to him. That we should cherish the last few months we had remaining. He proposed we go to Vancouver. I was down for that. Just the timing I told him. The fucking timing of it all. I wish I had never met him, or I had met him earlier. It crushes me. It breaks my fucking heart. I knew he was one out of billions.

Today before church, Gordon messaged me. He wondered how I was doing. I haven’t talked to him in a week. I replied immediately. I told him how much he truly meant to me. How he was there for me when he could have easily turned his back. I told him about Owen. I told him about how I found someone and I felt like an ass because here I am again, being a “slut” behind his back. After all he had done for me. This is how I repay him. 

That was hours ago. He hasn’t replied since.

Owen leaves tomorrow for Mexico. He left me his disposable camera to finish the remaining film so he could process it when he gets back. We switched jackets last friday. He still has mine, while I have his denim jacket. It smells exactly like him.