#bill doesnt have any holes

[jameslongforjimshortforgabriel]

how would ford and bill even fuck. how would they even kiss. would ford have to straight up kiss his eye? like. would bill even close the eye?

[taikeero-lecoredier]

STOP KOSA(and cie) MASTERPOST 2024

Both KOSA and the Earn It Act bill are dangerous for the future of the Internet.

In a nutshell, KOSA would allow states to sue any websites that host content deemed “harmful” to minors. With such a vague wording, its expected that any NSFW stuff, educational ressources or LGBT content, will immediately be taken down if govts dont approve of it.

Plus, it will be made mandatory to use IDs to confirm your age when going online, to so called “protect kids” but all that will cause is a huge potential data breach and endanger more kids.

As for the Earn It Act bill, it would allow the governement to spy and filter out anything they dont like in private dms for any users,as well as blowing a hole into Section 230 : The thing that prevent websites from being directly liable in case a user post something illegal,instead of the user being punished directly. The comics I made about KOSA and Earn It Act are old but sadly still relevant. All the info you need are in this post.

•KOSA Comic •Earn It Act comic

•KOSA UPDATE + CALL SCRIPT (Made the April 11, 2024)

•When contacting your reps, you may also add that they should support better bills that will make kids (and anyone) safer by focusing on data privacy legislations instead of KOSA • Contact Congress through here https://www.stopkosa.com/ • House Energy and Commerce are the best to contact for the hearing of 17th April 2024 https://energycommerce.house.gov/representatives (the link doesnt work properly so you'll need to head to the site and select "Members" to find them)

• Find all your Congresspeople here http://badinternetbills.com/

• Find your House representative here https://www.house.gov/representatives/find-your-representative •Never forget to make tweets, posts, tiktoks, or use any social media you can think of to talk about this : Spreading the word will be crucial. As always, if you wish to help us fight against bad inetrnet bills,and have the latest infos about KOSA, consider joining our Discord server (if not, please just share it around) • https://discord.gg/pwTSXZMxnH

[swiftfootedachilles]

hiiii achilles!!!!!!! how are you today? i miss your gallavich hot takes so do you have something in mind? have a good day 🌷

well apparently my big gallavich hot take is them having a jewish wedding 😭

okay. hmmm, actual unpopular hot takes? i gotchu

i want more intersex headcanons (that are well-researched and not fetishizing intersex people!). i want more t4t mlm gallavich. and i DEFINITELY want more t4t trans!mickey nonbinary!ian gallavich. because amab people are just as transgender as anyone else even if they dont take hormones or drastically change their appearance or change their name. nonbinary people arent women lite and men lite, theyre nonbinary. and i think nonbinary!ian is so slay

ian does not enjoy bottoming. even when he consented to doing it with trevor, he didnt actually like it. he simply tolerated it

when staying with the gallaghers, ian and mickey are very brazen about their sex life and dont try to stay quiet or even close their door sometimes, BUT they wont fuck in common areas like the kitchen and living room unless it was on the couch and they were 1000% sure there was NO chance of any of the kids walking in on them. they wouldnt traumatize liam or franny like that (stfu s5 doesnt count bc they knew liam was too young to have memories yet 😭 (speaking of, why does nobody ever talk about the fact that liam was 2 years old for like 3 whole years 😭😭))

their "security" business as it is in the finale isnt very sustainable. it literally started as money laundering, and ian didnt know. i think he eventually finds out by accident thru kev or vee what mickeys original "security business" plan was, and he gets super pissed. but i think they could very easily turn it into a legal business. we see them starting to do that, by working with real dispensaries instead of the shady illegal one kev and vee have in the bar. nevertheless, id like to read more future fics where they grow or adapt the business, and even move on to a new business altogether! theyre not exactly the career-having type. i think change over time actually helps stabilize them

THEY NEED TO PAINT THAT FUCKING AMBULANCE. ITS STOLEN. WHY DONT THEY EVER PAINT IT ALL BLACK OR SOMETHING?? WHERE DID THEY GET THE NEW PLATES. DID THEY EVEN CHANGE THE PLATES?? the s4 writers would never let a scam have so many plot holes 😔 they wouldve SHOWED us mickey and his brothers getting new plates for the truck

ian gets a tattoo for mickey. youre telling me that after the surprise anniversary party, you think ian WOULDNT get mickey somehow immortalized on his body? WRONG. he definitely does. i dont think its his name over his heart. maybe something small on his wrist? or M on his ring finger💜 thats a fav headcanon of mine

they dont start a family until close to 40. the longer theyre married, the more they realize they have to catch up on. learning to live together long-term, paying off debts and bills, moving, vacations, reconnecting with old friends and family, being there for liam where theu couldnt for their other siblings when they were liam's age, watching their nieces and nephews often to gain more caretaking and parenting skills, medical issues, family emergencies. theres just a lot that takes up their time, and they become very comfortable being two before they ever try to become three

they nonseriously say shit like "i want a divorce" but they NEVER mean it. even when one says it as a joke or like in s11e3, the other will ask "did you really mean that? do you really want a divorce? do you think we'll ever get one?" and they end up having a rare super serious heart-to-heart about it. about what they think the future might hold - or at least, what they want it to hold. the longer they are with each other the more stable their relationship becomes. bickering is less common, big fights are less explosive and violent, and they learn to become comfortable with silence

[aurorafandomblog]

11) Hospitality

Inside the small yet cozy restaurant, Kisame seems to be eating to his heart's content while Itachi seems to be more mindful and almost methodical about the way he eats. It seems to Tsuru that Itachi does not wish to appear greedy while Kisame seems to pay no mind. Tsuru smiles softly to herself. She certainly doesnt mind either way- she has plenty to spare for hungry travelers like these two men, but she does appreciate Itachi's quiet manners.

As the meal comes to a close, Tsuru decides its time to ask. "Where do you plan to go next?"

"Where do you want us to go?" Itachi asks in his calm and quiet voice.

"We've been instructed to accept any assignment," Kisame says.

While Kisame was still speaking, Tsuru pulls out several lists, putting them on the table and pushing them towards the two men. "Anywhere," she answers with a smile.

Both men glance at the readied lists in surprise.

"Choose whichever is the most convenient for you- there's no need to go completely out of your way."

Kisame glances at each of the list, reading the countries each one is for. Itachi wordlessly begins stacking each one into a neat pile and Tsuru tilts her head questioningly.

"There are others who can help us," Itachi explains simply.

"Others...?"

Itachi nods.

"Oh..." Tsuru blinks as she takes a moment to process this- and then she nods with a smile. "Okay... yes, that would be great. Thank you!"

"No need to thank us," Kisame answers. "We're just doing our jobs."

"Be that as it may," she says dismissively while signaling for the bill. "You are making my life a million times easier. I cant afford to be away from my shop for more than a couple days at a time."

As Tsuru is paying for the bill, Kisame reaches to take another drink of water. Suddenly, Tsuru is grabbing his arm. "Hold on," she says.

Kisame looks at Tsuru in confusion. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"How long has this tear been here?" she asks, examining the sleeve of Kisame's cloak.

"....maybe a week?"

"You two arent going anywhere until you let me mend that."

Both of the men blink at Tsuru's forwardness.

"Itachi. Do you have any tears or holes in yours?" she asks firmly.

He simply shakes his head.

"Good," she says with a nod. Returning her attention to Kisame, she says, "Take the cloak off and let me have it. It'll be fixed before you leave in the morning."

He hesitates, glancing at Itachi momentarily before obliging Tsuru's command.

Taking the cloak carefully to ensure no food or drink gets onto it, she gives a satisfied nod. "There's a place you can spend the night just a few buildings to the south. Tell them you are my guests and I will care for your lodging bill."

"If you insist," Kisame answers with a shrug.

Itachi glances at Kisame with a look that Tsuru could only assume was vague disapproval. And then Itachi meets her eyes. "Thank you."

Tsuru smiles. "It is my pleasure. Now you two go on, i'll see you in the morning."

master list

@theheirofthesharingan

[geodetojoy]

lux lux lux hi hi hi o//

i have questions!!! for you!!! from the asks list-

abelia, sage, chamomile, palm tree

ilysm am eagerly awaiting your answers. also. here is a cat for you

≽^•⩊•^≼

gaaaasp a wild mads??? in my ask box??? what an honor :D and they brought a cat??? omg this is incredible

yippeeee asks!! lets seee

abelia- do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can't part with?

mhm! i quite literally only take my bracelets off when i shower or do dirty work with my hands lmao-

i know ive told you what they are buuut i wanna go thru em anyway :3

ok on my left hand is my pride flag wrist, from top to bottom we have: ace, aro, aroace, omni, nb, and agender

then my left hand is like. fandoms? or special interests i suppose and its: ranboo, donnie, [this one i made when over at an irl friends house and i just liked the colors lmao, its not related to anything], luxray, httyd, and techno :3

i also have a fidget ring and the same rules apply lmao

i will say it has. started to pigment my skin. so. uh. maybe things need to change,,,,

sage- what 'medium' of art is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

wait this is such a fun question omg

despite my main form of art being physical, i think i prefer to "consume", for lack of a better word, anything language related, like stories, poetry, and music.

i think honestly its because music/language has been such a huge part of my life since birth, like my mom would constantly be playing music when she was watching me, and i (essentially) taught myself to read by the age of three so ive just always had a penchant for language and i find it so incredibly interesting

also just. music sound good in ears

chamomile- what kinds of things do you like receiving as gifts?

i feel like this is a trap /silly

genuinely anything personalized *cough cough* the stuff yall made for my bday *cough cough* will immediately reduce me to a puddle of tears /pos but aside from that, i like stuff that i wouldn't expect to get but it's given from someone that knows me so well that i didn't know i needed it until i had it

and legos. i fucking love legos.

palm tree- do you have a fictional villain you shouldn't like but love regardless?

hmmmmm my gut response to this is veigo grimborn from httyd: rtte but i think they kinda wrote it so that at the end of his story he became likable lmao- but i was always a huge fan of him he's an absolute asshole and like. he wants to kill dragons/ sell them to get rich but. he's also so fucking smart and like? nice? respectful? i think diplomatic would be a better word. he's a "man of his word" as he likes to say, and its never once proven wrong

and his whole arc before he dies is like. him turning his back on the dragon hunters to help hiccup and the skrill escape and like. idk it fit his character so well at the time he had such good development i love rtte sm watch it watch it watch it watc-

fuck his brother tho. ryker can go die in a fucking hole.

and the rest of the villains actually they fucking suck. johann, krogan, drago, grimmel. all the fucking scum of humanity i despise them.

dagur doesnt count get behind me dagur

honestly the rest of the villains i like are all like. commonly liked villains i don't think i have any stand out ones. like. bill obvi, cucurucho from qsmp, monika from ddlc, team rocket. duh., oh and the new one in pokemon horizons. idk the group name but amethio my love <333, and eggman and team dark (they are. definitely not villains but like. theyre seen as that in the story kinda so fuck it i wanna give the three of em some love shadow, rouge, omega they could never make me hate you)

RAHHH TY FOR THE ASK I SHALL BE OVER TO YOUR ASK BOX SOON LOVE YOUUUUU

[hellowhoisthere]

Hello! I hope you don't mind me invading your inbox but I thought this might be more efficient than reblogging the same post over and over and clogging people's dashes 😅

But I had a question about your non-profit AU! How does the divorce between Salem x Ozpin play out? 👀

- Zac (@zacs-of-rwby)

Its no invasion! You are completely welcomed to enter any ask and most certianly enter if I get talk about my silly ideas lol.

I have read a many a fic where Salem is abusive to Ozpin and he escapes the relationship but in this au they decided to get divorce right before that point. Because this fic got theme going of 'the love was there but it didn't change anything/doesnt save anyone' because how with Arkos and Seamonkeys in fic that leads in Jaune/Neptune. But not going down that rabbit hole now.

Just when Salem and Ozpin meet in this AU they are optimistic for the future, at what they can build together. But once Salem takes over her father's company completely (after his very normal death, at a very normal dinner party) they are married and they start their business together that goes so well until business isnt doing well, then marriage isnt doing well and after some capitalistic tatics the business is doing well, but marrige doesnt recover. There no work-life balance, and they have grown apart, becoming strangers to eachother.

In saving the company Salem lost herself. But Ozpin can't blame because he has changed too. He not the humble business man he was at the start. He is not sure he likes who is now. Salem understands that but she has power to do the change they once dreamed and she is going stay who she become. There is that chance they can learn each other now, but there is the greater chance they lose eachother completely and ruin what good things they still have and good they had in past. So yeah they divorce. It heartbreaking but its going save more hurt and heartbreak than being together.

PS.

I had considered the reason that Salem is so desperate to save business is because Ozpin gets sick and medical bills are a nightmare but I'm still thinking on Salem's story. Just different verisons of The Girl in The Tower we get makes want to give Salem a more complex motive.

[miss--river]

💕 self-love time! talk about which ones of YOUR creations (edits, artworks, fanfics) you like the most then send to other creators to do the same 💕

thank you so much!❤️ sorry this took me so long to answer 😅

i'll start with jori since she's the first one i created! i know it may not seem like it lately but she's the main baby of the other 2 main babies i have! ive projected so much of myself and interests onto her that i became attached quickly lmao! she's also the one who i insert into every piece of media that im consuming and like enough. like, if im playing dead space i totally imagine her in the place of isaac. or if im playing a backrooms game she's the one running around and trying to escape from the monsters lmfao! her story has taken different shapes and changes since i actually brought her over from red dead online. her twin brother, mika, doesnt exist in red dead online and was solely create for cyberpunk purposes. i love the pic on the left because i just think she looks really badass lmao! and i like the one on the right because im not usually patient enough to set up sets and backgrounds but this time i stuck it out and i loved it! it's simple compared to what others can do but im still proud of it!

next is the love of her life, driss! back when i first started getting into modding my game i actually shipped her with river. i was trying to get a cute shot of her and river looking out at the sunset over the ocean, but sine i was so new to modding i didnt know bigger characters like river had a different locomotion type so i couldnt get any poses to work. as a test i replaced an NPC couple with jori and driss and that was when i fell into a hole lmfao! i thought they looked so much better together so i kept them going! their ship name is Broken and Beautiful because both of them have past traumas that still effect them but they found comfort and understanding in each other. i love how soft both of these pics are! especially the fire behind them in the one on the right!

lottie is my second of the main 3! she also started out as a red dead online OC! i usually try to make her come off as a flowery, cottage core, disney princess aesthetic type. she's the softest and shyest of my OCs but she can be fierce too! she smiles at strangers in the street and will lend a hand if they look like they need it but she does it with caution because... its night city lmao! i chose these pictures in particular because i just thought they were the coolest ones. i do have some pics that showcase her as soft and flowery but i just couldnt resist showing these ones instead! the one on the left was made to be a tarot card called The World. the pic on the right was me trying out a greaser AU on her! i really love how they both came out!

the last of the main 3 is phoenix! i made her fully expecting to just leave her to collect dust, just like certain other OCs, (and i feel so bad for them 😔) but i became attached to her very quickly too. i based a chunk of her personality off of vash the stampede from the 1998 anime trigun. after a short while of that i actually ended up shipping her with him lmfao! currently she doesnt have a backstory because nothing has really inspired me yet but at least i know some things about her current life! i think these pics are perfect for show casing her as she currently is. she lives in clutter but not, like, dirty clutter if that makes sense? she just likes having stuff and buying things that interest her. i mean doesnt everyone? haha! she doesnt really save her money for anything other than rent and bills, everything else is purely impulse. her favorite treat is donuts and when she's willing to share one with you thats how you know she likes you! her favorite thing is to make people smile!

onto stuff that i made for other people! i really loves these pics that i took of mishka and claire for @thelonestrider! mishka looks SO GOOD in purple! and claire is chef's kiss! i had a lot of fun taking pics of her! i got such freeing vibes from her so i had to have her enjoying the sun's rays!

i took these ones for @holofishes and i totally consider wren to be one of jori's besties! i think they'd have so much to talk about and i get such warm vibes when i see them together! jori is usually very sweet and kind but when it comes to her friends she'd kick anyone's ass 😉 the sunflowers and butterflies in the first pic took so long to place! but it was totally worth it! they're both rays of sunshine!

[fluffnflightillustrations]

I just need to get it off my chest.

Another vent post, since this month has been just... terrible, really.

So we were doing well, paying the bills, even making a little extra... then my roomie quit her job on the spot without a backup job on the rear cooker... right before my birthday.

maybe its selfish, but im really frustrated and pissed about it? she got a small job after jobhunting for two or three days and they let her go the next week, so once again, we are out of more than half the bill payments. usually, if i were healthy, i would be able to try to float us for a bit, but im just. not. healthy. at all.

i cannot afford my medication i desperately need to maintain myself, and my paranoia is getting so much worse with all of the stress piling higher and higher. for those unaware, i am diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, GAD, and Psychotic depression... that last one is basically super intense depression, but add on some hallucinations and a lot of paranoia.

I cant get enough sleep and i keep waking up with tachycardia and night sweats and feeling weak and i dont know if its my paranoia as usual or if its actually some new heart condition and its freaking me the hell out

I'm working as much as i can at my new job and i still don't think im going to make ends meet, so I opened commissions but the guilt from being able to finish them fast enough is eating me alive and i feel like im really falling into a huge hole i cannot crawl out of

i want to disappear and hide from it all... i wish it would all just disappear. the world, the bills, the stress, the hallucinations, the anxiety, the loneliness. my entire life. im not going to act on an attempted... unaliving, since ive tried and failed too many times to have any faith in myself to be successful, but im so... so tired. so exhausted.

We had planned a trip to New York, even bought nonrefundable tickets and a hotel a few months back when we were doing well... but im going to have to go and spend the whole time working, and my friends i was going to meet might have to cancel, and honestly.. part of me just doesnt want to go anymore. its hard to feel any excitement for a trip that will just be spent being anxious and feeling guilty for not working in that time period.

My friends are all busy, so i don't have really anybody to get it off my chest to, and then another few friends i suspect of actually hating me, but maybe its my anxiety speaking... im just tired of it all. i want it all to perish

anyways... commissions are open. ill post about it tomorrow probably when i feel better, if i feel better

[despite-everything]

im

just going to write this out because i need to get it out somewhere and dont know where my little audio recorder is. i know its hard to live with parents for a lot of people, and i knew it'd be hard for me but thats really hitting right now.

today wasnt the worst, but it also kinda sucked. some geriatric asshole stopped his working vehicle in the middle of the street for no reason, and nearly got me t-boned because of it, then i got an energy bill for a place i dont live despite cancelling the policy in july, then i got a message from my insurance agent saying my policy would be cancelled if i didnt pay (but nothing was due?) and then when i tried to call i learned that this house often doesnt have cell signal in the afternoon. i eventually managed to talk to the insurance people and got that sorted, but i couldnt get through to the energy people, so that's still unresolved. im still rattled from the car thing - i was almost killed in a car last year, so im very sensitive around crashes and near-crashes (no flashbacks today, though, so thats better than the last near-incident i dealt with). tomorrow my dad and i fly out to visit his aging parents - his dad is basically wasting away and his mom is losing her mind, so its a bit of a lets-visit-one-last-time thing. i havent seen them since 2018 and rarely talk to them, but i know theyve fallen down this horrible fox-news-christian-conservative hole lately, and before that they werent great, so i have a horrible feeling this trip is just going to be painful and sad. i know that best-case-scenario, we talk about nothing meaningful at all, and they dont comment on my appearance. but they're going to hate it. and if they actually knew me, they'd hate me, too. and i feel bad leaving my cat behind to live in the basement for 3 days - my stepmom will look after her, but she's going to be very lonely. so there's that, too.

but honestly i needed to write this out because my dad and i were driving our dog to the park to let her run around and we were listening to the radio. he asked me why i dont always use my radio voice, and i told him its because it takes extra effort to stay low and smooth for the persona and the microphones, and that after a few hours its tiring. he said he knew that, but then basically asked again - i tried to get him to clarify, but he didnt have the vocabulary to explain it, so he tried to mimic my voice (i guess?) and it was fucking mean. like i felt my heart drop and almost teared up immediately. i said something like "haha i don't sound like that" and he doubled down and said i did. and the thing is like... i know my natural voice is a bit nasal. im from texas and was raised with a mother and an aunt with nasally, high-pitched southern accents, and i inherited some of that. i HATE my natural voice. for years, any video taken where i spoke at all, i hated rewatching it. i thought i sounded annoying and could barely fathom people wanting to be around me. i hear any recording of my self earlier than 2021 and i want to turn it off and erase it completely. i don't think i'll ever get over that hatred. but as i've gotten older, my voice has dropped a bit. and i make a conscious effort to have much less of a texan accent (some words still trip me up - aisle, line, fire, wild... "i" is hard to not sound texan on), and i try to sound "smoother" and more pleasant. but i know i don't always succeed, especially if im excited. and the thing is, my excitement is always too much for my family. it's annoying and immature and overwhelming, apparently. so my entire life i've tried to tone myself down, but sometimes i fail, and sometimes i'm so wound up and anxious i fail then, too. and i know it's annoying, but jesus christ that imitation hurt.

when i tried to express that, my dad got pissed and was like "thats just what you sound like" and i said something along the lines of "you don't have to mean about it" and he got more upset and was like "im not being mean you just sound like that. but fine. i just wont bring it up ever again" and im sitting in the passenger seat thinking... what am i supposed to do? what am i supposed to say? if i cry, he'll get even more upset and think im overreacting and being immature, but todays already been hard (to self-regulate earlier, i bit my arm so hard i accidentally drew blood, and screamed so loud in my car my hearing was temporarily dampened, but while that helped, it didn't fix anything), and i could cry any moment. and my mind just loops back to the impression of me, which was startlingly similar to his "whiny voice" he uses to mock assholes. it just felt fucking awful and yet i felt kinda crazy because he keeps saying he didnt mean it in a bad way, and he isnt the type to play mind games but my mother did that sort of thing all the time, and i was tired and upset and wanted to go back home. after the park, i tried to continue the conversation, but never really understood what part of my voice or cadence he was referring to,but i think i smoothed things over enough. but it just sucks so much.

im living with him and my stepmom right now as i look for a job, and im more than an hour away from any of my friends. while i could drive to see them, it doesnt make sense to waste that gas when im unemployed and heading for the airport in the morning tomorrow. and i dont really call my friends. i could, but its not a thing we do, and i honestly would just want to say what this post said and then move on. i just wish i had company. but im outside trying not to be eaten alive by mosquitoes but theyre getting me through me jeans, so i just have to suck it up and go inside to wash the dishes.

[joshhutchersonseggsalad]

Hiii! I'm B💜

I've been goin on tumblr for years and didnt realize theres more to it than just cute fanfics and memes. Idk WHAT I'm doing at all so bare with me lmao. Only here because I love all my lil fandoms<3

Heres some shit about me:

She/her♡Pisces♡Hufflepuff♡Enfp♡2w4♡Silly goose♡ADULT♡Romantic loser♡#1 best hugger♡Daydreaming cute scenarios 24/7♡Poetic flirt♡Music breather♡Bird lover♡Safe space♡

Also! I loveee josh hutcherson:] (and ofc some of his roles like josh futturman, billy, derek, clapton, mike, trey, peetaaa, steve, travis, david etc)garrett watts, twenty one pilots, nirvana, foo fighters (big taylor and dave stan) spongebob, green day, queen, ddlc, fnaf, TEOTFW, impractical jokers, bill and teds excellent adventure (favorite movie of ALLLL time), 90s tmnt, rocky and sm other stufffff!

I post about plenty of random shit, including my fav fandoms^and interacting with lots of other accounts ex rp pages. Plus mental health stuff too (both positive and negative things fair warning). Also I'm 20+ and do tend to post nsfw stuff a lot. Pls keep in mind, that whatever content u decide to look at is YOUR responsibility. If I see someone of a certain age interacting with my blog/even nsfw stuff, I have the right to remove/block u.

Feel free to message me about any fandoms, sillies, or even if u need someone to talk to‼I love makin new pals🍪🏞🎸🌻

(edit: social media will never fill the empty hole. yes, it may help distract u from reality and keep ur happy lil hyperfixations alive, but every doomscrolling software, including this one, thats meant to keep u from feeling REAL dopamine, will never heal u within. if you need help, pls reach out. please. You are more than just another person with a phone addiction. You are more than just another person with depression. You are worth more than you think. Idk u but if u need help, feel free to message me, or contact professionals. You are loved and have so much ahead of u, even if it doesnt feel like it rn. I believe in u. stay strong.)

[aqvamoss]

I am doing so bad at having a weekend. I feel like I'm doing bad at having a weekend that I am actually writing a tumblr post, and I dont know if I've every actually written an original tumblr post. Its gonna be a misaligned rant. And I do this knowing my audience is 3 people. I mean fuck I have 16 followers and only recognize people from my hometown or have been through something with, so I know my audience. I am not doing okay. I'm crying typing it. It's just a bad weekend, I've had a great last month. I felt better than I had in the last 4 or more month before that. But I'm really struggling this weekend. I'm trying, I'm working on getting help, and I really dont wanna be drugged again. I just want to feel normal and produce something. I want to do more than take, but I cant do anything for myself. I only do it for other people so I can feel some worth or purpose. And even then I dont fix anything! I cant make anything permanent or stable or reliable or consistent and I can't make a home on rickety foundation! I feel I'm never gonna have somewhere to land or that feels safe or my own or be proud of. I can barely get out of bed somedays, like today. The best I can do is empty a dishwasher. I dont care if that's something, it's not enough. It gets me nowhere, it doesnt move myself forward. I feel like I'm rotting in place and cant find any reason to throw soap on the rot. That's more or less just to say I havent showered in like 5 days. I'm getting more lucid as I write it but I gotta press on with the feeling. I'm crying out all the overwhelming hormones, or at least that's what I tell everyone when I want them to be able to cry in front of me. "Its just your body purging the overflow, they've done studies and looked at tear chemical structures, this is the bodies flush mechanism." Idek if that's true, I say it but did I ever look into it? Did I make it up? I've felt like a lot of things I say lately I dont know where they came from. I've got holes in my brain. Hell maybe even real holes. Depression and genetic dementia, maybe it's getting me early. But all I've done this weekend is rot in my room, nag at myself about the things I should have done, could have done, had the time to do. Make myself a habitat worth holing myself up in. Only done things that minutely benefit the house, the fucking dregs I live with, where we're all suffering one way or another but I try my damnedest to make mine not affect them. This place isnt even safe. I cant feel home here, I can barely host here but it's a goddamn parade for any other fuck that wants to come through. I havent lived with this many people and felt this alone since I moved to grand rapids. I've lost the plot, all I can think about is I cant keep falling any further. I'm not moving up or even moving past things. I dont know where I'm going, where I'm supposed to go, or what's gonna be there if I get there. Is it worth going? Would any of YOU go out not know what the plan is? Just leave the house because you're told that's where things are going to happen? Okay where, with who, how long, and what happens, and WHY? I cant figure out why I'm doing anything other than it keeps me fed, it keeps the Bill's at bay, it keeps me from going crazy but makes me crazy in other ways. None of it feels right and I dont know what the right feeling is or how to feel it. It could shove itself down my throat and I wouldnt know any better because I'm broken and numb to good things. If I've felt anything today it's been the verge of a panic attack. It's been loneliness and exasperation. And the only thing I can do to make any moves forward is to go take a shower and hope to God that sets me back to zero.

[magicspaceuncle]

I recognize that - if it had to happen that day - the way it did, place it did, and time it did couldnt have been more perfect even if I had planned it myself. But that doesnt make it any less heartachingly upsetting that it happened at all.

Veronica (my car) is in the shop again. The theory is that the hole in my exhaust pipe (1.5yr ago someone tried to steal my catalytic converter and bitched out before finishing the first cut, I havent been able to afford a new one or even to pay someone to weld the damn hole shut so its still just. There being annoying and making noise.) has been preventing the exhaust system from clearing out properly, and a carbon/whatever buildup on some intake valve somewhere is limiting oxygen and causing my engine to suffocate. Havent heard back from the mechanic yet so we'll see what they find during diagnostic.

Fml though. All I want to do is pay back everything I owe to friends/family who bailed me out during our move, pay the last of the bills from the old place, and move on so I can finally relax for once in my fucking adult life. But alas. Im not allowed to relax yet, apparently.

[homesickhalfling]

I watched Bo's new special Inside today.

#spoilers #Inside #boburnham #howthefuckdoiputthisunderacutidontwannaruinpeoplesfeedswiththiscrap #idontknowhowhashtagswork

---

I felt anxiety before I watched it, almost like I knew it was going to hurt me.

And it did.

About halfway through i realized I had spent a lot of it literally hugging myself.

I sobbed after it was done. Sobbed.

Then I spent half an hour in the fetal position in silence in my room wondering what I was supposed to do now.

He articulated everything I had been feeling but running from for the past few years because I didn't want to acknowledge it or know how to say it, let alone fix it. ("There's that feeling again")

He proved that I was right when I had guessed that making this special would be a difficult regression for him and not good for his mental health. That he'd start questioning his life and his career.

It was hard to watch someone essentially record themselves having a breakdown over the course of a year. Even when he was trying to make me laugh I felt bad for doing it... yet I still laughed.

I feel partially responsible for his mental state. I participated. We all did. We gave him the likes, the views, the follows, the ticket sales. He was a child star and it fucked him up. There's a moment where he's sitting there watching one of his early YouTube videos and I just felt such pain for him. How horrible it must feel to live in the spotlight and be expected to make others happy ("dance you fucking monkey/ watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself") and no one deserves to live their lives in that state.

He pointed out so expertly how the internet has spun wildly out of control and technology is too accessible and is ruining society. How everyone has to broadcast themselves and their opinions all the time. How kids grow up attached to tech that is rewiring their brains and development.

It was hard to watch. Of course he was funny, he made silly jokes and did silly dances and made fun of people and himself in poignant and catchy ways as he always does... but at the core of it all was this struggle of trying to make sense of a world that doesnt make any fucking sense. That is harmful in almost every way. And not wanting to participate in it anymore but having no way out.

He talked about wanting to kill himself, but not kill himself. I know that exact feeling. I have been saying it for months (maybe not out loud cause I don't want to alarm anyone but...) some days I just dont want to exist.

He talked about his anxiety, about feeling agoraphobia, about how the outside world is like a coal mine. And it's a perfect analogy.

He sang "congratulations" to Bezos. How many times have I said that exsxt thing to people? I say "Congratulations you won capitalism, good for you, now give us all your money."

He filmed himself turning 30. I turn 30 this year. It looked exactly how it feels. Scary. Lonely. Disappointing.

The ending hurt too. Its too real, too "meta". It's unavoidable and hurts to think about: He's come outside and "reentered" but all we are going to do is put him in the spotlight and laugh as he struggles with wanting anything but that. And yet he's releasing this fucking masterpiece... and like... are we not supposed to applaud him for it? It feels like a trap. Which I guess is exactly how he feels. Which just makes me appreciate his genius that much more for being able to convey that so perfectly.

He made me question everything (including my white woman instagram) because of course... what was I gonna do the second I finished watching? Post my opinion about it on social media. Like he said we all do. Like he asked us not to do. He's absolutely right that it's a pointless and empty validation thing that we all do and can't stop doing... and why? What purpose does it serve? ("Just perform for each other, all the time, for no reason")

I just kinda want to crawl in a hole and not participate in society. You know, like how I have always felt. Like my anxiety and depression have been telling me to do for years. That feeling I have to shove down every single morning before I get dressed and go to work. Pay bills. Socialize.

I dont know what to do now. I understand him not wanting to finish the special... because... then what? Just carry on like nothing happened? Go back to "normal"? Or go back to our isolation and wonder if/when things will ever get better for any of us?

Anyway... all of that being said... I think it's an important look in the mirror at where our society stands and what we have become. I think it's exactly what the world needs to hear right now even though it's hard. ("Look into my eyes don't shy away"). Bo is our mirror. A tortured, twisted, broken mirror for our tortured, twisted, and broken society.

And here I am... giving out my opinion that no one asked for or needed or cares about. Like the fucking hypocrite I am.

[manonblaqkbeak]

Sugar, sugar

(genuinely hate coming up with titles lol)

this is just rowaelin being pining idiots, one of my fave tropes for day 11--delayed love confession

just a note, the lifestyle in this fic is more of a background note and doesnt really take centre stage in this fic. it’s one ive been tempted to write for a while tbh but didnt really get around to it until now

cw: very, very light smut (like barely non existent, but just in case), a lil bit of swearing

enjoy! :)

3k words (officially my longest fic, yay!)

Every thought in Aelin's mind was blank. She trudged through her apartment that she shared with Nehemia, absentmindedly kicking off her heels that Rowan purchased for her months ago. Then the light jacket she wore joined the shoes, the fabric was perfectly soft and perfect for the autumn chill.

It was yet another piece of item that Rowan purchased for her. A lot of the things she had know were thanks to Rowan, either from his own wallet or from the biweekly allowance he sent her—a generous allowance that was a thousand times better than her weekly paycheck from the bookstore she'd been working at since she turned twenty-two; her business degree had turned out to be useless and so she turned to the bookstore that had been her stable job for three years.

Aelin barely touched her weekly wage now, it was practically buried underneath the money the Rowan gave her.

Because Rowan Whitethorn, thirty-five and a successful CEO who was well known, was her sugar daddy. Had been now for fourteen months. But he was more than that, more than just a man that paid her to spend time with him. He respected her, was loyal to her, listened to her and responded with actual sentences instead of a word or two like other men she had dated. He was charming, didn't treat her like she was nothing but arm candy, and she knew him so well, as he knew her, and each fortnight she sometimes forgot their whole arrangement, but she was sharply reminded when she received the notification from her bank that the two and a half thousand dollars that Rowan sent her was now in her savings account.

When she agreed to their arrangement after several get-to-know you dates, Rowan had wanted to give her three and a half grand every week, and gods Aelin had been tempted because she had never had so much money in her life, but told him that it was far too much and negotiated.

Two and a half thousand was the lowest that Rowan was willing to go, and even though Aelin only knew him for two weeks at that point, she could tell that he would not budge, so she agreed to the amount.

The first time that money had landed in her account, Aelin had thought that maybe she had imagined the whole thing, but the money was a sharp reminder of what she know was—a sugar baby. Those words still didn't feel like they applied to her.

And he still spent money on her when they spent time together. Just last week he gifted her with diamond earrings in the shapes of roses with a necklace to match. She wore them tonight, not because he bought them for her but because she genuinely loved the pieces.

Needing something sweet—despite the fact she had only finished her chocolate hazelnut gelato twenty minutes ago—she dug through her fridge and found the brownies that Nehemia had baked the other day. She told herself that she would leave some for her long-time friend, but Aelin really doubted that would happen.

Aelin relished in the cold air of the fridge as she found the new can of whipped cream on the top shelf. The fridge was one of the first things she purchased with the money she was now being gifted with (and after that came a new washer and dryer, a dish-washing machine and television. Almost everything in her apartment was brand new now, the food were actual brands instead of the generic, tasteless shit. She had bras that fit her properly and were so damned comfortable that she forgot she was wearing them half the time).

The old fridge was a cheap hunk of junk that she and Nehemia purchased off Facebook marketplace for a hundred dollars, it barely kept things cold, but with expensive rent and bills and general life things, Nehemia and her couldn't afford anything better.

Which was how she ended up in this situation. Picking up more shifts barely gave them anything extra, because the economy right now in Terrasen was shit. Nehemia had made a joke about needing sugar daddies, and Aelin, knowing that Nehemia could never really do such a thing, had decided that maybe it was a good idea.

Nehemia had told Aelin that she was insane for pursuing such a thing, and that she had only been joking, but Aelin was not and that she could handle herself if things went wrong.

Nehemia had told her not to do anything, but Aelin was determined and started her search. It had taken a while to find a website that was genuine and didn't make her feel like she had to scrub her eyes out with bleach.

She created her page in private, because she not only was Nehemia against the idea, but so was Elide and Lysandra—she didn't dare tell Aedion what she was doing. Her cousin could be an overprotective pain in her ass at times, and Aelin was very well aware that if Aedion caught wind of what she was doing, he would have locked her up in her room without any type of device so she couldn't go forward with her plan.

She appreciated their concern, she did, but she was a consenting, tax-paying adult, and if she wanted to use her time to get paid spending time with a rich man, then Aelin was allowed to do exactly that.

It wasn't prostitution, she had looked it up, because it was the sugar babies that had the power and so that was how it went with her and Rowan.

Aelin didn't even have sex with Rowan until it was the sixth month anniversary of her and Rowan's...relationship (and gods, it was the best sex Aelin ever had. Rowan was a generous and completely unselfish lover).

He was the first one she came across on the site and almost drooled down herself when she saw his picture. Silver hair, pine-green eyes, a beautiful tattoo down the length of his left arm and tanned skin, he was stupidly attractive and only ten years old than her.

Aelin messaged him first only after being on the site for ten minutes, deciding that surely he was the best one and that she needn't bother to look at any other candidates.

They hit it off straight away, and after deciding on a restaurant to meet at, Aelin had informed Nehemia of the matter, which she was promptly met with question after question: why can't a thirty-four year old man find someone his own age? Is he one of those men that can't date a woman five minutes older than him because of some stupid made up reason? How do you know for certain that it's him in the picture? What if he's cat-fishing you? What if he's a freak, or a killer? What if he's just pretending to be rich to kidnap you? What if, what if, what if?

And so after a heated discussion, Nehemia had come along on her date-that-wasn't-really-a-date and sat a few tables away from her and Rowan, watching them—especially him—the entire time like a hawk.

Aelin had completely forgotten that her friend was there, so enraptured by Rowan and what he did and how he saw life.

It had been fourteen months of seeing Rowan and genuinely enjoying spending time with him and weeks ago, she realised that she wanted it to be something more. That she had come to care for him, not because of the money, but purely because it was Rowan and he made her feel seen and he wasn't afraid of her, because she had once been told by an ex that she could be too much and that he couldn't handle all her baggage.

Aelin wanted a life with him.

So Aelin told Rowan she loved him when he dropped her off tonight after their dinner and a movie date, telling him how she felt, and he had said thank you. He gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek and went home, leaving behind the pine-and-snow scent of him.

Aelin really wanted to find a hole to crawl into and die.

She was scarfing down her third brownie when Nehemia's bedroom door opened, her friend clad in an old matching pj set, her slippers shuffling across the tile.

“What happened? Are you okay?” her friend asked upon seeing Aelin's guttered look. Her dark brows furrowed. “Did that bastard hurt you? If he did, I'll—”

“He didn't do anything,” Aelin interrupted her friend. Taking the food, Aelin planted herself on the teal blue velvet sofa Rowan gave her for Yulemas last year, ignoring the scent of not just him, but of them both from when he came over after work just the other day with pizza and a DVD that she insisted that she watched because it was too good not to, when they forgot all about the movie as Rowan buried himself inside her, leaving hickeys all over her neck that she had to cover up with thick concealer.

Nehemia joined her on the couch, her friend momentarily forgetting for now that she had walked in on her and Rowan just moments after they finished, muttering under her breath in Eyllwe as she glared at them defiling the couch, and gave her a look that Aelin knew that Nehemia would listen to every word that came out from her.

And when Aelin was done recounting the story, all Nehemia could come up with was, “Oh.”

“Yes, 'oh,'. I've probably fucked up the whole thing. So don't be surprised if I call you on your lunch break tomorrow telling you he's broken things off.”

“Aelin, I don't think he will. I know that I'm not the biggest fan of your...situation—”

“I'm aware,” Aelin said, cutting her friend off. “You still won't let me buy you a new mattress, even though yours is hard as a brick and lumpy as hell. I've told you that you can pay me—”

“Aelin,” Nehemia said, “we're not talking about mattresses right now. As I was saying, I doubt he'll break things off because I've seen the way he looks at you. I still think he's too old for you, but he cares for you. You probably just caught him by surprise.”

“How does he look at me?” Aelin was observant, but sometimes when she was with Rowan, all her observation skills went out the window.

“Like he loves you,” Nehemia said, no hint of doubt in her voice.

Aelin sighed, her feelings slowly starting to crush her. “I guess I'll just have to take your word for it.”

Sighing once more, Aelin put the food back in the fridge, showered and went to bed, forgoing her usual night texting ritual with Rowan.

She really wasn't looking forward to tomorrow.

X X X X X X

Rowan couldn't concentrate, which wasn't a good thing, since his job dealt with having to concentrate all the time. But no matter what mind-focusing techniques he did, he couldn't stop thinking about Aelin.

Couldn't stop thinking about how she said she was in love with him. How her beautiful eyes had been sparkling when she said those words to him. And how the light in them dimmed when he said thank you and kissed her on the cheek, telling her that he would talk to her later. But he hadn't texted her, nor did she.

I love you, Rowan. I'm in love with you.

Thank you. He really couldn't believe that was what he said. Felt like an utter fool and a bastard as he realised he probably crushed her heart. Aelin didn't like being vulnerable, and she had been when she said those words and he had gone and fucked it all up.

Rowan loved Aelin, he did, but he truly wasn't prepared for those words. He loved how on the weekends they would be up at one am, baking chocolate goodies, dancing in the quiet kitchen, humming quietly to Aelin's classical music playlist, with her wearing not the nightgowns that he loved, but one of his old hoodies.

He didn't think that he would get along with her so well once they met, thinking that their online interactions were nothing but a fluke. He was moments away from deleting the profile because he didn't actually create it, but Fenrys had, his friend grumbling that he needed a girlfriend, with Rowan arguing that creating a profile on a sugar daddy site was not dating but probably the opposite, when Aelin messaged him.

His life-long friend didn't listen, much to Rowan's annoyance—but he didn't grab his phone out of his friends hand; Rowan blamed it on the several whiskys he had downed by that point.

Aelin bewitched him on that first meet up. She was intelligent as hell and funny, and creative and beautiful. He was aware of why she was on the date with him, but he didn't care, just as long as he got to see her again.

Fourteen months later and Rowan was still bewitched. He wanted to be with her on a permanent basis, but wasn't completely sure how to take that step.

Clearly, Aelin had taken that step for them, and Rowan was the worlds biggest moron.

I love you, Rowan. I'm in love with you.

Thank you.

Groaning, Rowan turned away from his computer and looked at the skyline, ignoring the buildings to instead watch the puffy clouds drift by.

Aelin loved watching the clouds, loved stargazing, loved questioning about the universe and what the skies held.

He never really paid any of that stuff attention, not until he met her.

Rowan didn't want to lose her, didn't want her to think that he was about to break up with her over this. He had to see her, so he grabbed his keys and wallet, told his secretary to hold his calls for the rest of the day, and went to visit Aelin.

X X X X X X

It had been an usually busy day for a Wednesday and Aelin was glad for her lunch break as she trudged up to the roof of the shopping centre. She wasn't really allowed up here, but she wanted some fresh air and to feel the sun against her skin as she sat down and dug into her lunch—fast food, unfortunately for her, because she was so frazzled from last night that she completely forgot about making a pack lunch.

Rowan hadn't called her, or texted her. Not even an email had been sent her way.

Aelin hated that she felt so damned mopey. She was an independent woman, but gods, even a good morning text would have been fine.

She finished her lunch, popping several mints into her mouth to get rid of the onion taste, when the roof door crashed open and a familiar hulking figure came into view.

He must have spoken to Elide to find her here.

Aelin's brow furrowed. “Rowan, what are you doing here?” Oh gods, surely he wasn't going to break up with her, she still had hours to go; there'd be no way she could work if she had tears in her eyes.

Taking her hands in his, Aelin stood up. She steeled herself against whatever he was going to say.

“I love you, Aelin. I'm in love with you, too,” Rowan said, his eyes soft and full of genuine love. Aelin's heart shot up into her throat. “I want a life with you. I want us to buy a home, one that has warmth and character, and a big garden. I want a dog. And kids too, if you want, I know that you've never mentioned it, but if you don't want any then that is completely fine. I want to support you in whatever endeavors you want to take, and if you ever want to go back to university, then I'll support you, or if you want to find a way to use your business degree, I'll help you with that, too. Whatever you want Aelin, I'll give it to you, as long as you're by my side, I'll be happy.”

Aelin was silent for so long that Rowan thought that maybe he shocked her into silence. But eventually, she smiled, one that was dazzling in its beauty that it took his breath away.

“You love me?”

“I do, Aelin, I love you.”

She kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

Rowan groaned at the amusement in her tone, in her eyes. “You're never going to let me live that down, are you?”

She smirked. “Definitely not. It'll be a nice story to tell our children...one day. For now, I think we should contend with being proper significant others.”

Rowan nodded, smiling. “I like the sound of that.”

“Good, because I need to get back to work, since I'm no longer accepting your allowances. I won't deny the use of your credit card, but other than that, you are no longer my sugar daddy.”

It was Rowan's turned to smirk, and it was the one that made her core clench. “How about I be 'daddy' instead?”

Aelin snorted, even as she clenched around nothing again. Smacking his arm lightly, Aelin kissed him. “Only if you behave,” she said against his lips, “and now I really need to go back to work.”

Rowan walked her back, their fingers laced together, and as she turned to say goodbye, Aelin said, “I'll see you later, daddy.”

Rowan groaned, and it took everything in him not to take her hand and into his car to have his wicked way with her.

By the time he thought of a response, Aelin was already back to work, helping a customer with an impressive stack of books in her arms.

But she knew he was still there, because the way she swayed her hips to the counter was all for him, and when she saw him watching her, Aelin winked, making Rowan's heart flutter in his chest.

He really did love her. And he would live with her teasing him for the rest of his life, just as long as she was with him.

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[soulwillower]

crush culture • richie tozier

(richie tozier x reader)

requested: fic where Richie and reader have been best friends since kindergarten, and have always had feelings for eachother secretly, until one day richie gets a girlfriend (just to take his mind off her), and the reader gets jealous and distances herself from him? he obviously gets upset by this- and things go on from there? sorry if it’s too specific! love u!

warnings: swearing, brief mentions of death, fighting, mentions of an abusive relationship, intentionally pissing off richie, a bit of angst, richie is an oblivious idiot, but reader is MUCH more of an idiot, like dude lmao, but i think that’s it, unedited tho

this isn’t rly based off crush culture, but i took the title from conan gray’s song :)  

[losers + reader are 18+ in this!!!]

3.8k words L O L :))

♡

you swear to god, you’re getting sick. that’s what this was, for sure.

it started about a month ago, when you started to get headaches and terrible hollow feelings in your stomach. it happened everywhere - in the line for coffee, in class, driving home from school, at the dinner table. but it got a hundred times worse at night and then seemed to triple in force every morning when you woke.

and it all came at you some time after richie announced he had a new girlfriend.

you were really sick the few days after that, enough that you stayed home from school and laid in bed, the pit in your stomach sinking. it didnt take long for you to realize how bad richie’s girlfriend was - she treated him like a dog, like he embarrassed her - and he didn’t even seem to mind. he just brushed off every offhand comment, rolled his eyes with a grin when she told him she didn’t want to see his friends or when she told him to stop talking. 

he still seemed to like her, anyways. and that thought made your stomach convulse.

so then you had to distance yourself from richie because it hurt you to see him with her. it hurt you to see him with someone who didn’t treat him like the incredible person he was. 

so yeah.

you say you’re sick, but you know that’s not really true. it’s easier than accepting reality at this point, though, so you spew this nonsense (to yourself, mostly) in order to justify ignoring your best friend of nearly a decade because christ, he is becoming unbearable.

like the other day, at lunch while you were all sitting in the courtyard. it was your first time eating with them again after almost a week and a half, as you’d been eating alone in your car recently to avoid richie. “rich, why’d you take off the nail polish?” bev asked, out of the blue, sounding disappointed as she grabbed his free hand and examined it.

he blew smoke out of his mouth slowly and you had forced yourself to look away, the sight of richie doing nearly anything these days being pretty dangerous for you. it also made you sigh a bit - you knew he only smoked at lunch now, since his girlfriend hated it.

“don’t want my paws to be prettier than y/n’s when we hold hands.” he had joked, wagging an eyebrow at you. you’d shook your head and looked to the ground in lew of a real response, just as you had been doing a lot recently.

you'd missed richie’s frown at your reaction, but you did catch his next statement as it was added on, “nah, actually it’s because the ol’ G-F didn’t like it. thought it looked too girly.”

you, stan, bev, and mike all stopped chewing to look at richie, in varying stages of bewilderment. you'd cleared your throat quickly but decided against speaking up just as richie’s phone started to ring. he’d answered it nearly immediately, the enthusiasm of which made you feel like you’re going to be sick again - because richie never answers your calls until the last possible minute.

god, jealousy is a fucking disease.

“hey, sugar.” he had purred suavely into the phone and for some reason, hearing him call someone else sugar had you abruptly rising, gathering your things and nearly running off to put as much distance between you and four-eyes as you possibly could, because you’re not sure how much more you could take.

after that, you were absolutely sure it was just pure denial on your part.

as far as you could tell, richie wasn't noticing too much. he still phoned your house every day, just to be met with your mother telling him you 'weren't available,' and then he'd call your own phone, which you'd let buzz itself into a dark hole on your bedside table while you stared at it solemnly, guilt heavy on your mind as he left voicemail after voicemail. 

he doesn't deserve it, you think as you open the doors to the school library, backpack on your shoulders. but you can't help it. you're not his girlfriend, and you're not mature enough to accept that with any ounce of elegance so instead you just ignore him all together. at least you're self-aware, right? that ought to count for something.

you shake your head just as a voice catches your attention, “well look who decided to show up!”

richie's sitting at the usual study table in the very back corner of the library, a spot tucked away by rows upon rows of dusty books and an alcove of couches. bill sits at the head of the table, scribbling his chicken scratch handwriting onto graph paper, mike next to richie with a textbook spread out flat. across from mike is stan, writing out his statistics work. 

all three of them wave at you before going back to their work, whereas richie just watches you expectantly. his feet are kicked up on the table, textbook balanced on his lap as he hovers on two leg chairs. his smile is as blinding as always, a dimple faint on his left cheek and full eyebrows raised in jest. his curls frame his face perfectly and you want to scream.

but you take your seat next to stan with a tight lipped smile, not really sure how to respond to richie. are you even allowed to be flirty with him like you used to? he still does it on the rare occasions when you do see each other - but that itself is the issue, you figure. his flirting is just a joke, a tiff from one friend to another. but you can't see him as just a friend, and that’s unfair to him.

so you stay quiet, which makes it infinitely more awkward.

richie clears his throat and you pull out your work with an awkward expression, the minutes slowly churning by in what has to be the quietest hangout with the Losers yet.

you feel the tension building in your body and in the air, and you're not sure what's wrong with you or why you have so much resentment towards richie in this moment, because he's not done one single thing to offend anyone in the last ten minutes.

then richie's phone rings suddenly and mike jumps a bit as he's startled out of the passage he's reading. you all look down to richie's screen, where his girlfriend's name blares up at you and all you can feel is white hot jealousy coursing through your body.

richie looks half way exhausted and annoyed at the call, which you find extremely odd and out of character, not to mention persistently frustrating.

as you all stare at the phone, the tension in the room stretches tighter and tighter, like a rubber band and you can't breathe -

"uh, why is she calling you?" mike asks, as if this was something that was forbidden or shocking in any way, and for some reason, that is finally it.

the rubber band snaps.

"how could you forget, mike? they're in love!" you say with mock enthusiasm. 

bill shoots you an alarmed look that you probably should read into or at least consider for a moment, but instead you're looking directly at richie, as if challenging him.

he blinks at you and clenches his jaw, "she and i haven't really been... talking recently." richie says lightly, shooting a glance to mike.

“well then maybe you’re just not right for each other.” you quip, the blood boiling in your veins. richie's eyes snap to you and you see the fire behind them as he suddenly breaks.

“sorry, did i miss the divine intervention when god floated down on a cloud of marshmallows and deemed you expert in relationships?” he says abruptly, making your eyes widen at his outburst. he continues, “because last time i checked, you’re a bit of a failure in that department. so i don't need some jealous, disappearing-act wannabe criticizing my life when she's barely even in it.” he seethes. it’s near quiet in the library anyways, but his words seem to silence the entire town.

with a quick glance to your right, stan and bill sharing an uncomfortable look, and mike is staring down intently at his work with wide eyes.

you want to die.

does richie know? has he known this whole time that you're just deeply, painfully head over heels for him? 

"i'm so sick of your bullshit. maybe you're jealous because you want what i had, but you’re being really fucking rude."

you nearly cry. or scream.

“criticism doesnt equal jealousy, okay?” you spit without thinking, immediately regretting even opening your mouth. you're so intent on covering for yourself, you don't even take into account the phrasing he'd used when referring to his girlfriend, instead fighting with richie in order to keep your secret from him.  

this is not how you’d intended today to go. he stares at you, eyebrows furrowed in a way that almost makes you keel over in sadness, the guilt of the situation falling too heavily on your shoulders and crushing you.

it’s tranquilizing to see him like this -  he's fuming, but he's also got bright, glistening eyes which you think may be filling up with tears.

“i didn’t really ask for your input, though.” he mutters, cheeks reddening as tears definitely well in his eyes behind his lenses. “you can’t just ignore me at your every whim just to come right back and tell me what's good for me.”

you blink, shaking your head quickly, deciding to back off. now is not the time to fight, especially when you know he’s right. you had no idea it was hurting him like this. "richie, i... i just wanted-" you gape at him, extremely embarrassed.

“-i don’t fucking care what you wanted, y/n.” richie says sharply, causing you to shut your mouth so quick your jaw clicks in the silence. clearly, even the other boys are perturbed by richie’s actions and everyone’s staring down in silence at their homework.

it’s quiet like that for a few minutes, the tension so thick that you’d need a jackhammer just to chip away at it. but stan rummages through his bag suddenly, pulling out two painkillers and dry swallowing them. you don't look at anyone else, your stomach hollow and your heart thumping so hard in your chest you think you may explode.

"d-do you have a headache?" bill asks, looking at stan with concern. the sudden voice causes you to perk up, head flowing with humiliation at the fight you and richie had just had in front of your friends.

“yeah, but it’s not that bad. i guess i’m used to it.” stan says, pen between his teeth.

“just because you’re used to something doesn’t make it any less unhealthy for you.” you say louder than necessary, your mouth suddenly deciding to speak without consulting your brain. 

the glare of pure frustration that richie throws you pierces your lungs and suddenly makes you feel lightheaded. 

your pettiness doesn’t go unresponsive, of course, and mike sighs into his hands, standing up to gather his things. "alright. i can't study when you two are like this. i'll see you guys later."

richie sighs quietly and bill and stan mumble good-bye's. the library goes back to quiet for maybe three more minutes, until you see stanley start to fidget like he usually does when he's anxious. and then you notice it after a few seconds, too.

richie won't stop tapping his foot on the desk.

for everyone's sake, you try to ignore it, because you know richie can't help his compulsions - especially when he's upset (which, your mind painfully reminds you, is all your fault).

but it's driving you crazy.

“-if you keep doing that i’ll throw you out that fucking window rich, i swear.” stan mutters not unkindly, his eyes rolling to meet richie with a concerned gaze as richie stares out the window.

you raise your eyebrows, “what’re you even looking at?” you ask, trying to mend a bit of the open, festering wound you’d created in you and richie’s friendship.

without looking at you, richie shrugs. “checking to see how high the drop is. may be worth it to have schnoz just toss me down. it would certainly do you a favor right? gettin ol’ trashmouth gone for good.”

what was he saying? you look at him, scandalized. stan and bill don’t even say anything about the offensive nickname as you gape at richie. "what the fuck?" is all your brilliant mind can think.

"what, you can dish it but you can't take it?" richie says sharply. he shakes his head, looking upset. "i'm tired of trying to be friends with a fucking brick wall."

then he's gathering his one notebook and swiftly exiting your alcove in the library in a wind of cigarettes and cologne. 

you blink, his words sinking in and making you sigh shakily. your stomach feels hollow as you remember the expression of glee on his face when you'd walked into the library, and how completely different and broken he'd looked as he'd left. you think you're going to cry.

“every minute that you don't follow him digs yourself deeper into this grave, you know.” stan says, giving you a stern but encouraging look.

you let out a shaky sigh and scramble to grab your bag, tripping over your feet as you run out of the library, flying down the staircase faster than you've ever gone and making it to your lifelong best friend just as he reaches his car in the parking lot.

"-a brick wall?" you ask, out of breath. you see richie hold back an eye roll, his arms crossing over each other as he serves you a look of discomposure.

he shrugs helplessly, looking as if he's at his wit's end.

"what do you want me to say, y/n? you've been avoiding me for weeks. i know i'm annoying and obnoxious and whatever, but i'm not blind." he says, making you swallow as guilt pangs through your chest. you have been so fucking selfish, haven't you?

it hurts to hear him say that about himself. 

he sniffles a bit, sounding choked up as he goes on, "i've had a rough couple of days - weeks, even. but every time i'm near, it's like you've had more than enough, and you just leave. am i that repulsive? why do you suddenly hate me?" he asks, looking desperate as his eyes rim red, filling with tears again.

“what did i do?” his voice cracks as he whispers the sentence and your heart breaks in two.

your own vision goes glassy as he continues, "-i've needed you, y/n/n. i'm lost, i'm seriously not okay and you just don't care at all."

you're stunned for a moment, mouth opening and closing silently as your mind races to rush something out, anything,because you aren't sure you can bear to see richie look at you like this for one more second. but your silence comes off wrong to richie, and tears slip out of his eyes.

“don’t you love me?” he asks, voice hoarse and cutting right through you, deeper than any knife ever could. "don't you want me to be happy?" he adds and you take a shaky breath, looking helplessly at him, where you're met with nothing but glassy eyes and tear trails. your heart is slamming in your chest, tears falling from your eyes and you can't breathe.

"a-are you?" you ask, trying to keep your tone even although it comes out just as vulnerable as you feel. “h-happy. with her?”

richie freezes at your words, mouth slightly open and you watch a single tear course over his high cheekbones and down to his bottom lip as it shakes faintly. you curse yourself for the longing to feel those very lips against yours.

"i was." he whispers, voice shaking as he rubs his face with his hand under his glasses, the moisture of his fallen tears clinging from his long dark lashes onto his slender, shaking fingers. "and then - and then i lost you. and y'know, i got my girlfriend so i could distract myself, but she made me feel like absolute shit all the time and so i went and broke up with her, but -" he hiccups through his tears and you blink, biting your lip as tears cascade down your cheek in wet trails.

they broke up?

he broke up with her, and he's going through this breakup and trying to better himself after she tore him down and you've just been ignoring him - he thinks you don't care about him, that you don't love him. you start to cry harder. 

"-i thought she'd distract me from you. i-i'm sorry." he says, his voice muffled by his hands as they cover up his angelic face, his shoulders shaking as more tears fall. "i'm so sorry."he repeats. 

you see double for a second, completely shocked by his words as the breath leaves your lungs. he tried to distract himself from you... and he’s so hurt because of what you did. 

but finally, for the first time this whole damn day, you find the right words. "i-no, richie, i'm sorry, please - fuck." you break, letting out a sob as you rub your eyes furiously in search of any relief from the guilt ripping you in two. "i didn't mean to hurt you. i'm so sorry, i can't believe i did this, i didn't want to hurt you, i'm just so selfish." you babble, his sniffles making you open your eyes.

he looks so alone and so vulnerable as he hugs his arms around himself in search of comfort, tears still falling from his bright eyes and down his rosy cheeks. 

he looks devastatingly beautiful in the golden sunlight of the afternoon, a breeze ruffling his curls lightly. "just please, i can't - i can't deal with you hating me. please, please, please."

he's pleading with you and you think you may be sick from the guilt and sadness that envelopes you, so you spring forward and wrap your arms tightly around him. the force of your body pushes him against the side of his car and the way he clings back to you like you're the last thing holding him to earth just makes you cry even harder.

"i don't hate you, richie. i love you, i love you too much." you say, your body shaking as he just holds you tighter against him. "i'm so sorry, i didn't mean any of it. you're right. i was just jealous... i'm so sorry. i was so jealous of her, i couldn't see you be with her." you mumble. "i'm so sorry."

richie pulls you back gently at your words, his eyes wide and wondering as you look at each other. "what?" he asks so innocently, his eyelashes wet and dark and his lips parted. 

you can count the freckles on his nose and cheeks, you're so close. you can feel his shuddering breath against your face as he huffs in a breath. your hands hold onto his shoulders and you decide to fuck it, you just have to tell him how sorry you are, to explain yourself.

"richie, i'm in love with you. and - and when you and her got together, it hurt so much, and i didn't want to deal with the fact that i couldn't have you, so i just ignored you. i’m sorry, i’m so sorry." you say it quickly and in one breath, looking down at your shoes and how they point straight towards his.

"you're in... love with me?" he says weakly, sounding hopeful as you finally look back into his eyes guiltily. 

you laugh wetly, "of course i am, richie. how could i not fall head over heels for everything about you?"

he tears up again at your words, but this time it's accompanied by a beautiful smile and a light, wet laugh. he shakes his head, his arms circling your waist tighter as he presses his forehead against yours. your butterflies tickle your stomach at your proximity.

"fuck, y/n. i can't believe i spend my time trying to get my mind off you." he says and your breath hitches a bit. "do you have any idea how long i've been in love with you?" he asks quietly, and you let out another small laugh out of shock, but it's wet and gleeful.

"i'm sorry." you whisper, your finger curling around a strand of the dark hair on his head. he shakes his head, your noses rubbing slightly. "it's okay, y/n. i love you so much. please let me forgive you." he says, pulling a smile out of you that you don't think anybody else ever could. you nod shortly, looking into his eyes as one last tear falls. 

he kisses you tenderly then, taking your breath away.

richie fills up your every sense as he clings to you desperately, his lips salty from your combined tears and his arms strong. his tongue is gentle as it runs along your lips and enters your parted mouth, one of his hands sliding up to tilt your head up towards him. you're breathless because of him for the millionth time in your life and you decide kissing richie is the only thing you want to do forever. 

you pull away slowly, and as you lean back he presses a chaste second kiss to your lips, causing you to grin. 

you barely make eye contact as you pull apart and then you greedily pull him back to you, his lips finding yours yet again with a sweet, loving laugh.

"i love you too, rich." you mumble against his lips. he sighs almost dreamily as you pull back, biting your lip and laughing when he opens the passenger door, gesturing to it with a shy grin.

"now can i please buy you a burger?" he asks, almost bashfully, and your heart does somersaults. you nod and kiss him again, his hand falling to the small of your back, palm wide and fingers lower than you'd expected. he pulls away and his grin is loving, his eyes hooded in pride as you caress his cheek softly before you slide into the car seat.

he holds your hand the whole night and refuses to let go until you slip through your front door at near midnight, blushes on both of your cheeks and lips kiss-bruised.

the butterflies you feel as you fall asleep with a grin on your face are the exact same ones richie feels as his head finally hits the pillow, a giddy smile on his own face as he smiles to himself in the dark halfway across town.

tag list: @gabiatthedisco @blisshemmings @stenbrozier @simplesammyx@brxken-heartsclub @clownsloveyou @baby-yoda-a @moon-shine-baby  @daughter-of-the-stars11 @trashedfortozier @oceandog13 @finnskindofwoman @kait-tozier   @upamongthestarss @fiantomartell @beverlyparkerr @beauregard-s  @leighjaenikhowell @cowbellies @deepestofwaters