#biggest thing for me and it might be my aroace ass but i like didn’t rly get the ~development~ of the relationship

[kuiinncedes]

finished this is how u lose the time war :0

[krypticcrawler]

You don’t want to know how many times I’ve reread your fic. There is a reason why I talk about it so much.

I was considering the idea that maybe Voldemort wants to slowly break Draco, kinda like how he messes with Harry’s mind a lot.(or at least tries to. Harry’s too stubborn) Voldemort’s a very patient man, considering it took him literally 14 years to get his ass resurrected and if he had Bellatrix and Lucius under my command, I’d reckon that he had to have a lot of patience for dealing with the two.(or perhaps force but hush they’re annoying bastards, Bellatrix even more so)

I should’ve realized that you knew TOCF. You’re aroace and love transmigration manhuas. That manhua attracts those types of people. In all honesty, I didn’t finish TOCF because it’s too long for my tastes but I do follow fandom to fill in the gaps for me.

I mean, I’d argue that it’s freaking Voldemort so triggering any PTSD he MIGHT have of his youth during WWII would be acceptable, but like, WWII was an awful time to be alive, so I guess I could see why Draco would be hesitant in doing so. Actually, wouldn’t it be interesting to see Draco use a strong Boggart against Voldemort? I wonder what Voldemort’s biggest fear would be, or if he actually does have any sort of trauma from WWII.

I thought that in theory, the reason why Peter was a Gryffindor was because he wanted to be in Gryffindor,(kinda like Neville?) and that the Sorting Hat, recognizing Peter’s potential, ends up placing him there. Additionally, Peter isn’t too much of a coward if you think about it. Like sure, he did hide from the Wizarding world for a long while, but he’s also a windless wizard and if someone found out that he was actually alive this entire time, they’d emotionally, physically, and mentally torture you with the Dementors in Azkaban. Besides, he was also one of the Marauders who visited a freaking werewolf and also had the audacity and bravery to spy on the Order for the Death Eaters where the most brilliant of wizards and witches could be capable of other things like Legilimency. Also, when he was confronted by Sirius and Remus about his betrayal, he used cowardice as an excuse, but why should we take his word for it? What if he was lying so he could at least paint a slightly better picture for Harry? What if he joined the Death Eaters because he genuinely believed in their cause and hated muggles/muggle-borns in general? His mother was at least a witch and there was no way he would’ve been able to join if he were muggle-born. Maybe he did believe in their ideas, but chose to go undercover in order to benefit Voldemort. If he is a coward for doing so, then Snape is also a coward.

When I was younger, I never really understood the concept of jealousy=love. Jealousy indicates the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, not one of adoration. I hate writing multiple love interests because I want people to ship the ship I’m writing, not the other “love interests.” Having Draco be oblivious to people having crushes on him is funny and also makes sense for his character, considering in his previous life he didn’t have many if at all friends and in his new life he’s too busy trying to save the world and ensuring Harry’s well-being. Come to think of it, in the previous draft, didn’t you have Draco and Cedric meet early? ���

Sorry if this ends up overwhelming you and if it does, feel free to ignore them. I’m just bored and curious. 👉👈😅

Which character do you think had the most potential in the Harry Potter series and do you plan on implementing any of your ideas into them?

If DSMSG Draco was locked in a room with Umbridge, Lockhart, and Voldemort and had a gun with two bullets, who would he choose to shoot?(totally not stolen from The Office)

I think you may or may have not mentioned this earlier and feel free to ignore this question if it’s a spoiler, but when does Harry begin having feelings for Draco/act on them?

no worries, i wanted a distraction from my work anyway lol

In terms of potential, I'm not quite sure. My first thought was Draco (Duh) mostly because I wish so badly that they kept the scene in the final movie where he threw his wand to Harry. That alone would probably do so much for his character, and I am very likely going to do something with it in the fic. Plus the whole really weird hug with Voldy thing, kinda seems like Voldy is trying to have a relationship with him that parallels Harry and Dumbledore's. Anyway, Draco's SO uncomfortable all the time in 7th, it makes me very excited to get to it :) I also think Narcissa is pretty interesting since she kinda parallels Lily, and the fact she lied to the Dark Lord TO HIS FACE and protected Harry...I know I make Narcissa out to be just a very overbearing mother (and bad cook) but I hope to make Draco see the other sides to her later on, when he gets his head out of his ass. For now, she's sort of just comic relief, but there are some things set up in the very first years that will come back in the later years.

(also i REALLY need to add neville in some more--thematically he's super important, but he just doesn't get that much screen time yet. I'll have to think more about how to integrate him, but definitely he will appear more in 3rd w/ other characters. Other characters I plan to include are Cedric, Luna, maybe Cho? Marietta, probably, for the whole traitor thing in the 5th book, and ofc Pansy and Zabini, though those two are the flattest in the books so I'm gonna have to make up a lot of stuff lol. gotta add in sirius obvs [he's actually my favorite, which was why he was not-malfoy's fave in the old version], and remus [also we gotta discuss the werewolf in the room, with the whole snape prank thing...])

Draco would probably blackmail Lockhart into taking the gun and shooting Umbridge twice. He isn't stupid enough to try to kill Voldemort with a gun (are the horcruxes around in this hypothetical?also Voldy lived in like. WWII? Although he's ignorant of love magic stuff, he is probably deeply aware of the dangers of Muggle weapons, which maybe relates to his desire to conquer them) but Draco would love Umbridge dead, and he'd want more blackmail on Lockhart lol. The man's main fear is losing his reputation so that's probably a better punishment than death. If it's sixth year Draco he might just shoot himself though

I have mentioned that Draco doesn't want to date as a minor or date minors even if physically the same age due to the weird age gap/time question thing (a really big issue in isekai/transmigration imo, and the bit of this fic that makes me want to just make it platonic--seriously. I read one where this grown man DATED A SEVEN YEAR OLD B/C HE WAS IN A CHILD'S BODY??) but Harry will obviously not be thinking about that since for all he knows, they're both normal kids. You can probably safely assume he starts thinking of romance at the same time as in the books, though obviously his friendship w/ Draco and the whole "it's the nineties and I think I'm gay?!" thing would make him not as proactive about it for a while

[nooowestayandgetcaught]

1-36 ALL OF EM. ALL OF EM.

THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR, BRO. ALL FANDOMS.

1. First ship you remember

Peter Pan/Wendy Darling (Disney’s Peter Pan) is my best guess as far back as I can remember. That’s the original OTP next to Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle (DCU) and Ariel/Prince Eric (Disney’s The Little Mermaid).

2. Your newest ship

Hmmm,,, I haven’t really watched anything new,,,,,,, but I mean I did get into Geralt/Jaskier (Netflix’s The Witcher) recently. I really like them.

3. Favourite ship ever

STARES LONGINGLY AT PETER/WENDY

I go between them and Mulan/Li Shang (Disney’s Mulan) and Korra/Asami Sato (Avatar: Legend of Korra) and  Yuuri Katsuki/Viktor Nikiforov (Yuuri On Ice) and Arya Stark/Gendry Waters (GOT/ASOIAF)  for my favorite ships of all time 

4. Favourite m/f ship

I grew up on the His Dark Materials books and I always was a Lyra Belaqua/Will Parry shipper and that has never ever changed. They’re so sweet. I WOULD LIKE PHILIP PULLMAN TO BRING THEM IN THE NEXT BOOK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO COME OUT. DO NOT FUCK AROUND.

5. Favourite m/m ship

you really can’t wrong with Ash Lynx/Eiji Okumura (Banana Fish) except you can and I don’t care,,,, everyone’s alive and fine and not depressed,,,,,,,

6. Favourite f/f ship

do you know how much my heart broke when they refused to do Emma Swan/Regina Mills (Once Upon A Time) EVEN THOUGH everything in canon said they were True Love????? now I’m just pissed,,,,, I can’t let go of them

7.Most innocent ship

OH GOD,,, KATARA/AANG (AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER). THE FLUFFIEST. THE HAPPIEST. THE SWEETEST BABIES.

8.Most fluffy ship

WHAT DID I LITERALLY JUST SAY???

9.Most angsty ship

good god it’s Clarke Griffin/Lexa (The 100) but I still love them and I know I wasn’t THERE for Lexa dying but I’m STILL livid about what they did and how they treated the LGBT+ community and I’m gonna throw hands,,,, ever since it happened and Clexa is mentioned in the show,,, it’s always so painful,,,,, Clarke is not letting Lexa go and tbh she shouldn’t and I’m gonna get mad again

10. Most smutty ship

Smut is optional, not a requirement for my ships.

11. Ship that you would never have wanted in canon but like in fanworks

I don’t fucking trust MCU so they can have none of my ships!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12. Character that you can only imagine in one ship

BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.

13. Most shippable character

Merlin (BBC Merlin) and Harry Potter.

14. Character that you can’t imagine in any ship

Any character I don’t like.

15. Favourite poly ship

I love love love love Rey/Finn/Poe Dameron. Finnreypoe. Jedistormpilot. I fell in love with Rey/Finn and Finn/Poe through ���The Force Awakens” and then saw in the novelization that there was hints of Rey/Poe Dameron and LATCHED onto it. Don’t even fight me with “The Rise Of Skywalker” because it was COMPLETELY a Jedistormpilot movie and that’s all I was there for. Those three characters.

16. Characters that you kinda ship but prefer as brotp FRIENDSHIP

since I think Katniss might be aroace,,, I wanna say Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark and don’t get wrong,,,, I do ship but more platonic ship

17. Characters that you ship and can’t imagine to be friends

Spike himself said that Buffy Summers/Angel (Buffy The Vampire Slayer) dynamic could never be friends and only friends and he’s right

18. Guilty pleasure ship

GUILT IS CRINGE!! CRINGE CULTURE IS DEAD!!! YOU SHIP THINGS TO YOUR HEART’S DELIGHT!!!!! HAVE FUN!!!

19. Ship that you never expected to ship.

I was straightbaited by Black Sails while watching as it aired and never saw Captain James Flint/Thomas Hamilton coming,,,, or them unburying the gays,,,,, I thought the whole time Thomas and James were sharing Miranda,,,

20. Ship that you liked but don’t anymore

at one point I liked Callum/Soren (The Dragon Prince) but I’m over them and I’m over that show and I don’t support Aaron fucking Ehasz

21. Ship that one day you were thinking of and thought “wait,when I started shipping it?”

I DO THAT LITERALLY WITH EVERY SHIP I HAVE

22. Ship that you immediately fall in love with after one scene despite not considering it before.

aahhhh I saw Toni Topez interact with Cheryl Blossom from Riverdale after their confrontation which was like,,,, the first time they ever spoke to each other,,,, but then the diner scene happened, and now I ship them. And they’re canon.

23. Poly ship that you ship despite not shipping some of the characters in it outside of poly ship.

I only ship Ryn/Maddie Bishop/Ben Powell with each other. That’s it. IT’S A CANON INTERRACIAL LGBT+ SHIP. IT’S REAL. I’M SO HAPPY.

24. Biggest notp

Dick Grayson/Barbara Gordon (DCU),,,,, oooh don’t get me fucking started

25. Favourite foe yay ship

L/Light (Death Note). That’s a classic. I know Light made sure his ass was murdered but c’mon,,, c’mon,,,, THE CREDITS TO THE LAST EPISODE THO??? DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT???? THAT WAS GAY AS HELL.

26. Characters that you like in every dynamic (lovers,friends,enemies)

we gotta go with Doctor/Master (Doctor Who),,, they’ve been all three,,,,, nobody can tell me otherwise and that’s the beauty of these two! My favorite versions are 1) Thirteen/Dhawan!Master, 2) Ten/Simms!Master, and 3) Twelve/Missy and if you add Simms!Master with the last one then it’s GOLDEN

27. Ship that you expected to ship before reading/watching franchise and you do

I saw gifs and things of Anne Lister/Ann Walker (Gentleman Jack) before I started watching and I already knew I was gonna fall in love AND I DID

28. Ship that you expected to ship before reading/watching franchise and you don’t

this might be a weird one but I really thought I was gonna ship Victor Van Dort/Victoria Everglot or Victor Van Dort/Emily (Corpse Bride) and I just didn’t for either of them. I DO HOWEVER SHIP EMILY/VICTORIA EVERGLOT.

29. Favourite crossover ship

OHHHHH we gotta go with Kate Kane/Kara Danvers (Arrowverse) like look at them look at the gay it’s like SuperBat but the female millennial version

30. Favourite canon ship

Princess Bubblegum/Marceline (Adventure Time)! I’m overjoyed they are canon! I’m not done watching all of this show but still,,,,, and that means we can get Prince Gumball/Marshall Lee to be confirmed canon too?? Yes?? 

31. Favourite non-canon ship

I know we can’t like CONFIRM in canon but Frodo Baggins/Samewise Gamgee are in love and there’s no denying this. They’re canon enough to me.

32. Favourite ship for hurt-comfort

All of my ships are good for hurt/comfort and whump. I don’t discriminate.

33. Ship that you ship in one installment of franchise but not in other (for example in movie,but not in the book this movie is based on)

I ship Hannibal Lecter/Clarice Starling in the movies for Hannibal related things, even though Will Graham exists in them, but I ship Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham for NBC’s Hannibal 100% and won’t ship them with anyone else

34. Ship that you never expected to ship when you were younger but here you are

I never expected to ship Harry Potter/Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger all together years down the road,,,,, since as a kid I flip-flopped between Ron/Hermione & Harry/Me,,,, er,,,,,,,,, I mean Harry/My OC That Was Definitely Not Me At All and Harry/Hermione but here we are

35. Ship that you have kinda love/hate relationship with

right now it’s Rue Bennett/Jules Vaughn (HBO’s Euphoria) because they’re so cute,,, they really are,,, but they can be so bad together and I hate that! I just want it to work out but Jules doesn’t understand her own feelings,,, and is kinda fucking around with Rue’s feelings,,,,,, and Rue needs to deal with her drug addiction problems first,,,, but let’s see what happens for Season 2

36. Characters that you can’t decide if you prefer as ship or brotp

okay FIRST OFF we don’t “brotp” anything no more because the term was created with homophobic connotations so replace it with “friendship” and honestly I can’t decide if I like Lucifer/Chloe Decker (Netflix’s Lucifer) as a romantic or platonic ship or somewhere between. I haven’t decided.

[notveryglittery]

star light, star bright

it’s @blinksinbewilderment‘s birthday!!! you know what she likes a lot? romantic analogical and brotherly prinxiety :) it’s a quick little bulletfic with lots of extra bonus background ships. i really treasure our friendship, blink, i hope you have a day that shines as brightly as you do, and that you feel as much happiness as i do whenever i get to talk to you <3!! 

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

brotherly prinxiety 

big bro ro 

virgil goes to roman for advice on how to ask out his long-time crush logan

roman initially teases him relentlessly because anyone with eyes can see logan has liked virgil back for at least three quarters of that long-time 

when roman realizes the two are in fact blind pining oblivious dummies, he jumps at the chance to help this ship sail as smoothly as it can from where it’s been docked for far too long 

roman is obviously a Professional Matchmaker - look, his name is in the word “romance”

(never mind the fact that patton is the one who swept roman off his feet with a romantic declaration at the top of a ferris wheel underneath a bright full moon)

(they’ve definitely let roman live this down. absolutely no one brings it up at every given opportunity)

so roman teaches virgil all of the important things to woo one’s true love (“he isn’t my true love,” virgil gripes, hoping roman doesn’t notice how hard he blushes. roman notices.) this includes: practicing of poetic confessions, the perfect combination of flowers in bouquets, romcom movie marathons. 

to virgil’s mortification, roman invites patton to one of their lessons. to virgil’s further humiliation, patton’s brother declan tags along, and it turns out virgil’s to practice his confession on declan because he’s got that same dry wit and humor as logan, and surely he can offer the best reactions. 

(declan thinks this is very stupid but he and virgil are also kind of frenemies and so declan will take any blackmail he can get his hands on) 

it goes about as well as you think it would 

meanwhile, one logan sanders is trying to smother himself with a pillow

“babe, you of all people should know how physically impossible it is to do that” 

logan throws the pillow at his queer platonic partner 

by some miracle, remy dodges it and manages not to spill a single drop of his starbucks 

so as we all know, logan has been pining for virgil for quite a few years now, and as we also all know, he is a blind oblivious dummie 

remy is surprised his ears haven’t fallen off yet with how much logan gushes about virgil

it would be cute if it hadn’t gotten really old like a year and a half ago

(okay, it’s still pretty cute but remy thinks a lot of things about logan are cute) (like, hello, the utter look of concentration on his face when he’s deciding which tie matches his outfit best?)

remy wants logan as happy as he can be, of course, but virgil is… well, remy and virgil kind of had some issues sophomore year that they never really resolved.

it doesn’t really interfere with their relationship now given the dynamic of their friend group. they kinda tolerate each other. but remy’s gotta give virgil the Talk - you know the one, “you so much as even think about hurting logan and they’ll never find your body” 

remy and roman definitely haven’t been texting each other updates over the months, why would you even insinuate something so devious 

after many shenanigans and montages of:

roman helping bolster virgil’s confidence

big bro ro helps virgil to perfect all the makeup tricks he’s learned on his own over the years. virgil understands now just how good winged eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man can make you feel. 

he really does get better with pick up lines and flirting; he stumbles sometimes but it feels effortless and that’s the important part.

declan jokingly threatening to steal logan away if virgil didn’t get on with it

while virgil knows declan’s aroace ass would never, virgil does not know that logan likes him back, and so this still seems like an entirely plausible thing to worry and stress about 

sometimes, declan drapes himself over logan and heckles him into a debate; partially to see virgil get all flustered over logan all worked up, partially to encourage virgil to hurry up already, wouldn’t he like to be in logan’s space like this?

remy dropping hints around virgil about logan’s newest interests

virgil and logan might be close friends who have been mutually pining over each other for years, but there’s still things they don’t tell each other, or don’t get the chance to share. if remy happens to let slip that logan wants desperately to visit the new exhibit at the observatory, well, that’s neither here nor there.

and he does give virgil the Talk, a few nights before the plan is set into motion. in the same go, they mostly remedy their past issues. by the end of it, virgil wonders how it’s possible for someone to be so threatening while using pet names like “babe,” “sweetie,” and “honey” every other sentence. 

eventually, virgil is deemed Ready. it is Time. 

halloween is virgil’s favorite holiday and because logan loves virgil, he also loves halloween. sure, all the sweets are a health hazard, and trick-or-treating really isn’t the safest tradition, and ghosts do not exist - but virgil glows during this season. he adds autumnal colors to his wardrobe and it really is not fair how good he looks in oranges, and browns, and deep greens. 

(in case we aren’t all on the same page yet, logan is Very Very Gay.)

everyone is at remy’s house. it’s definitely one of the biggest homes in their small town and so this is where a lot of the holiday parties tend to take place. the dormir family is also generally just really well liked. which means more people than invited show up but if anyone knows how to throw and manage a party, it’s remy. 

anyway the plan is that virgil and logan finally get together at this party so that they can finally go trick or treating with the gang in matching costumes 

it is so lame and virgil would rather forsake trick or treating completely but also he may or may not have been planning couple’s costumes for like four years now

everything is going really well! 

roman and patton are social butterflies, flitting from the dance floor to the kitchen to the backyard. they’re dressed up as she-ra and perfuma, respectively. roman’s even threaded led lights into the underskirt and cape so that he’s actually glowing. patton’s flowers aren’t just a crown atop his head, they twist and weave along his arms, around his torso, and down his legs.

remy wears the same thing every year to the party: pajamas and a ridiculous pair of slippers. he saves the extravagant costumes for halloween night. he truly is a spectacular host, making sure drinks and snacks are restocked, that nothing’s being broken, and checking in on those who don’t handle the crowds too well. 

logan’s dressed in a very impressive le petit prince costume - it’s so good, it might as well be a full on cosplay. (virgil definitely isn’t swooning, what?) logan sticks close to the edges of rooms, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. 

(in, for example, virgil’s arms, on the dance floor, swaying to a slow song.)

virgil is dressed as jack skellington and declan in a creepily accurate oogie boogie - everywhere he goes, plastic insects fall out of his costume. patton’s shrieks of terror at seeing the fake spiders keeps startling the party guests. 

eventually - totally not by plan or anything - logan and virgil end up in the backyard together, on the old wooden swing bench on the porch. it’s nearing midnight and the crickets are chirping and there’s an owl hooting nearby somewhere. the moon is obscured on this cloudy night. 

virgil thinks it’s perfectly spooky and atmospheric 

logan doesn’t need to see the stars in the sky when they’re sparkling so brightly in virgil’s eyes

logan’s feet barely reach the floor and so virgil uses his heel to push them back and forth. thankfully, both of their costumes keep them warm enough in the chilly fall weather. (though they, of course, could always do to be a little bit warmer.) 

virgil’s breathing is measured and it’s super obvious he’s counting them in his head. logan scoots closer and lays a hand over virgil’s. his breath hitches.

“there is something i would like to tell you,” logan begins. 

the record scratch in virgil’s head sounds loud enough that everyone at the party should be able to hear it

“for the… last couple of years, i have harb-” 

“hold on,” virgil interrupts, loud and sudden. “hold - wait a seco - there’s no way you’re -” 

logan normally finds all manners of virgil’s speech patterns endearing but right about now, logan has a finite amount of courage and it is quickly running out

“- going to tell me right now-”

“of course i love you.” 

virgil’s jaw promptly snaps shut 

(he’s been working so hard on this and all this time??????) 

virgil isn’t really aware of the high-pitched noise he’s making until logan reaches out and firmly presses a hand over his mouth. 

“it is my fault that you have not known it all the while,”

(and the way logan says it, like a treasured line from a fairytale. virgil’s sure he’d recognize it if he could think at all.)

“i understand if you do not reciprocate these feelings and i apologize if i have made you uncomfortable with my confession,” logan is saying now while virgil’s still working on rebooting. logan lowers his hand. “i hope that this will not negatively impact our friendship. i care deeply for you and-” 

virgil’s systems spark back to life and he interrupts again, this time with a short bark of laughter. 

“l, oh my god, no offense, but i’ve been building up to this night for months and you just-” he has to pause to stifle his laughter. he’s equal parts giddy because logan likes him back and frustrated because logan’s liked him back for years and neither of them had done anything about it until now.

logan looks confused. 

virgil wants nothing more than to kiss him. 

“i’m in love with you” bulldozes over his brain-to-mouth filter instead

logan looks confused, elated, overwhelmed, stunning, he blushes so prettily, virgil thinks, and all of his practice must pay off, because the next move he makes is easy. 

at some point, they’d turned towards each other. virgil’s hand cups logan’s face. leaning closer, virgil’s gaze lowers to logan’s lips, and then back up. who knew eye contact alone could be this electrifying?

“can i kiss you?” virgil murmurs. 

“i can’t think of anything i’d like more,” logan responds. 

(back in the house, declan grumpily shoves a twenty dollar bill into roman’s hands.)

a week and a half later will find virgil and logan in matching costumes. for their shared interest in astronomy, they’ve lowkey always been called the “starlight gays” amongst their friends, and their costumes certainly help solidify it. 

logan is wearing dark jeans and a navy button down. with roman’s help, he’s lit up like the night sky; led lights form constellations that, if asked, logan will explain in a heart beat. from his shoulders trails a glittering black cape that catches the light just right (it’s impractical for trick or treating but the way virgil keeps wrapping himself up in it, snuggling close to logan’s side… well)

virgil’s the opposite in whites and greys, though he’s glowing as well, a near match to the full moon in the sky. he seems exceptionally pleased with the makeup he’s done for the costume, silver and blue and sparkling. 

(they look like they should be at a con, honestly, instead of out for one night collecting candy, but it’s cute, and that’s all that matters) 

and of course, they live happily ever after

(with only the slightest of teasing for the rest of their lives about their slow burn romance) 

[too-many-plants-man]

Romantic and sexual orientation are so tedious to me. Like, I'm glad there are labels to better understand those feelings but I'm constantly jumping around label-wise.

(Under the read more is a long-ass vent post that's basically me doing a soliloquy in an empty theater since I don't really think anyone actually reads my personal posts)

For me, I can perceive people as aesthetically pleasing but, I'm not actually sure I'm romantically or sexually attracted to them, even after getting to know them.

Getting off feels good but I don't really enjoy sex because of how gross I find it. I think kissing is gross for the most part because of most of my experiences, the people I've been with don't just like just having chaste kisses, it's always all gross tongue touching, biting, and saliva.

I really don't want to die alone and I want a romantic relationship but, at the same time, I don't want one. Part of it is trust issues after being screwed over in the past several times and general anxiety but, it's also that it's a lot of work and I don't think the payoff is all that good and my relationships have all been attempts at doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing with my life based of the stuff I've read, seen, and heard.

For my specifications, I might as well just live with a friend for the rest of my days.

I'm probably aroace but, I don't want to be. I already have so many other "complicated labels" (by more conventional people's standards) that I don't want to add another one on.

It feels like almost all of my "relationships" and "crushes" (even counting the ones before high school) have been me misinterpreting the desire to be loved and wanted by others as romantic attraction because that's just what I thought it was supposed to be like.

No one really talked about how friendship feels to me and most kids movies that I watched growing up made by certain megacorporations focused primarily on budding romances than friendships.

Even one of my favorite movies, The Prince of Egypt, put more focus on Tzipora(? Not sure how to spell it) and Moses getting together than Moses bonding and reconnecting with Aaron and Miriam, who are his own siblings. The romance isn't the focus of the story but it got a lot of attention put into it (which is better than the "I just met you two days ago, let's get married" attitude a lot of kids movies have).

I just thought what I felt for all these people was attraction, especially because of the times I would hang out with someone of the opposite sex as a kid and my parents, teachers, and classmates would all act like I was getting into a relationship with that person when I was actually 4 years old and didn't even know what a boyfriend or girlfriend was.

Than I realized that whatever I was feeling for the opposite sex was the same thing I felt for the same sex (primarily with anyone who treated me like a person. The bar was really low.) And I thought that it must be that I'm attracted to both sexes (I know this sounds intersex exclusive but, at the time I didn't know people like that existed) and that warped all of my friendships into a desperate need to be in a romantic relationship with my friends because I was mislabeling my feelings since I didn't really grow up with the resources to properly identify them.

One of my biggest heartbreaks was a friend I was "attracted" to for years telling me in casual conversation in front of other people that I was "unfuckable" (exact word used). That really sucked and kind of sent me into a desperate search for a relationship where I felt attractive that got me into the relationship with my abusive ex.

I don't know how to proceed. I just want to be less out there. I know that it's the cisheteronormativity talking but, life is a lot easier the less labels you have that separate you from everyone else. People treat you less like an anomaly and more like a fellow human being. Not a thing to ogle at the zoo.