#bigfootwrites

[randomfoggytiger]

X-Files Collector’s Edition: Off-The-Wall Crazy Crack Fic {Edited}

Skinner’s gremlin birthday, Mulder and Scully adopting a Cheerio loving alien, nightmarish insurance claim calls, failed pipe repair with bubble gum-- this has all the crazy adventures that Chris Carter likes to pretend don’t exist (and do because I say so.) 

(Note: I separated this out from my original crack-fic post for better ~thematic~ order... and also because I had others that necessitated a re-ordering.)

Loose chronological order below! 

Diadem’s Happy Birthday  

““Crossing in to his office he hung his jacket in the small closet space hidden in the rear wall.  It was only upon turning back to his desk that he noticed the small parcel, set carefully atop a stack of mail.  It was hexagonal, about eight inches tall, and was wrapped in shiny green paper.  It was taunting him.    

Silly as it may be, his first instinct was to run.  Unfortunately he had a meeting in twelve minutes, so that was not an option.””

Skinner spends his birthday alternately bonding with and vainly hiding a Furby in his desk (at least he has someone to celebrate his special day with.)  

Yasinta Widjojo’s Monster Mash

““What's up?' Mulder asked.        

'Have you had your computer crashed lately?' Langly asked.        

'Of course, everyone had.' Scully shrugged.        

'It might not be as easy as you think it is. We discovered that some crashes were actually caused by an unknown biological entity in the system itself.' Byers said as he turned away from his computer.””

CSM’s latest nefarious scheme-- unleashing little monsters on the computers-- is stopped by TLG; but it explodes before they can pick it apart for information.

Satchie’s Claimed

““Now fully recovered and back at work, Mulder waged war against his health plan like a modern day Don Quixote tilting at imaginary windmills.  His medical claim had been denied five times without explanation, and he was incredibly frazzled.  Numerous phone calls to the hospital and claims office were less than productive.  He was inundated with past due notices and harassing phone calls from the hospital threatening to turn his account over to a collection agency, as well as letters from the health plan stating his claim could not be paid under the terms of the contract.””

Mulder has recovered from one of his many hospitalization stays only to encounter the real nightmare: insurance calls.

FootlessData507′s

Do You Want to Believe?  

““You whistle on your way to the Hoover Building. Why shouldn’t you whistle? You are a straight, well-educated, white American male in your thirties. You feel relevant and vital. “Stand aside!” your stride seems to say. “For I am a straight, well-educated, white American male in my thirties!” Nodding at a perfect stranger on the street, your body language adds, “And I grew up on Martha’s Vineyard!” However, your relevance and vitality diminish somewhat when you enter the Hoover Building, and diminish even more when you reach the audiovisual equipment room and are informed by Marge that you can’t have the good projector today because the Financial Crimes section needs it.”"

An alternating POV ‘Pick Your Own Adventure’ with Mulder whistling through his haphazard day and Scully trying to bail him out of his choices.

CLONK!

““Does Mulder know you’re here?” demanded Langly, who was sitting beside Frohike. The woman across from him flinched.            

“Excuse me,” she snapped, “what’s going on? Do you all know each other?” She tucked her hair, which was every bit as long and blonde as Langly’s, behind her ear.          

“Mulder doesn’t know I’m here,” Scully answered, “and I’d appreciate it—”    

“Why should she have to tell Mulder she’s here?” Frohike demanded, turning on Langly. “Unless she’s here for an X-File—”            

At this possibility, Frohike and Langly both started swiveling around, searching the basement for anything inconsistent with a Unitarian speed dating event.””

Scully’s cousin drags her out of her comfort zone in the pursuit of men-- at a different faith’s church with strangers and two Ken-doll identical twins... and TLG. It turns into a group shout and gossip session before all of them meet up with Mulder at the movie theater.

This is SO good. SOOOOOOO good. Everything weaves back and in on itself.

@scullysexual​/@bigfootwrites​/PostApocolypticAlien’s

Mulder and Scully Adopt an Alien

““The grey creature’s back is to him but Mulder can see in its hands is a bag of his Lucky Charms.

In a surprise, he drops his gun. It crashes to the floor startling the creature who turns in surprise. Its big black eyes stare up at Mulder with wonder and fright, the Lucky Charms bag clutched tightly in one hand, a marshmallow held frozen in the air in the other.

Then it starts screaming.

And Mulder starts screaming in response.

And everyone is screaming.””

Mulder is enamored with his cereal alien... until it bonds with Scully, who beams like a proud kindergarten teacher. Then Mulder gets petty and jealous.

Mulder and Scully Adopt an Alien Part 2

““I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” says Scully, shaking her head.

“It’ll be fine,” says Mulder with no hint of worry in his voice at all. “He looks fine.

”The ‘he’ referenced is the alien- dressed in one of Scully’s dresses from when she was younger, Mulder’s baseball hat covering his head.””

Mulder and Scully have to sneak their alien friend into FBI headquarters to (hopefully) find resources to return him home. They’re almost immediately in trouble, of course.

Char Hall’s Switch  

““Agent Mulder,"  Skinner began.    

"Yes?"  Mulder answered and Skinners face clouded with confusion.  Scully poked Mulder in the ribs and stepped forward.    

"She's funny, isn't she?  What can I do for you, sir?" she said calmly.  She felt like a fool.    

"Uh, you two have another case to do.  Mulder, I need you in my office in a half an hour.  Scully," he said, turning towards Mulder.  "I need you to perform an autopsy in bay four.  Pronto."  he said and stalked away from the office.””

Scully is woken in the office by the unpleasant realization that she and Mulder have body swapped. Mulder’s not happy, either; but his day gets worse every time he runs into cronies from her old life. (Also, they both get shot, so....)  

eponine119′s X-Mas

““"They'd been having hard times - in school, financially - it's conceivable they would be looking for an easy solution to their problems."

"Asking Santa?" cried Scully.  "These were seventeen and eighteen year old girls, Mulder, they've got to have more sense than that."

"I know," Mulder informed her, "My source tells me they intended to document Jolly Old Saint Nick and sell the pictures to the highest bidder.”"

Santa is kidnapping little girls to use as slave labor. He’s kinda evil, and makes them forget.

Mystic’s Plumbing

““...Their eyes raised to the roof where the drops originated from, a small hole with a circumference of about an inch.

"Rain?"  Mulder asked.

"We're in the basement."  Scully reminded.

Both never taking their eyes off the hole.””

Skinner finally cracks after seeing his agents drenched in water, failing to plug up a ceiling leak with bubble gum.

Kel’s The Shortest Mulder MedicalTorture Ever Written

““He vomited again and again, and he did not want to eat anything, not even sunflower seeds.  

Mulder said he felt fine but Scully said he had acute appendicitis. She took him to the hospital herself, to make sure that he didn't accidentally go to Antarctica.

The emergency room doctor did horrible things to Mulder, like push on his sore tummy and put a needle in his arm.””

This puts all medical torture hurtfic into simplified sentences while condescendingly patting the reader on the head. This SPOKE to my soul, which was ravaged with the wounds of bad X-Files fics. No joke I have a read a story based on all the mentioned tropes (and more.) Perfect. 

Amy Schatz’s

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

““Scully," he whined, looking up at her.  "I don't like Hazlenut/Irish  Cream/Ginger/Mocha/French  Vanilla/Chocolate Mint  coffee!   And  I  really don't  like  Peach/Pear/Apple Turnovers!"      

Scully shrugged.  "So?  You didn't want to come  to my mother's   house   for   Christmas,  New   Year's,   Easter, President's  Day,  Columbus  Day,  St.  Patrick's  Day,   my birthday,  my cousin's shower, or Spring Cleaning  Day,  but you were glad you did afterwards, right?  So give the coffee and  pastry  a try."  She hoped that he would buy  that  and just  leave well enough alone.  Scully was not up to a fight with *Her* today.      

Mulder shook his head, suddenly feeling rebellious, and thinking  that this insanity had gone on too  long  and  too far.  "But, Scully-"    

"Mulder!" she hissed, "stick to the script!"

Meta-- Mulder and Scully are salty with the thousand-and-one unrealistic scenarios they have to act out each day, courtesy of the Writing Overlords.If they step out of line just a little, the punishment is swift, severe, and hysterical: for example, Pendrell in alluringly compromising positions for Scully. (READ THIS AND WEEP WITH LAUGHTER.)

Enjoy!

[scullysexual]

Whilst I didn’t hide the fact that I was bigfootwrites I was temporarily using that blog to hide behind. bigfootwrites will stay up but my fic will be posted onto here again under a new tag- scullysexualwrites (rather than i write)

[enigmaticxbee]

S1 Rewatch - Fic Recs

Need something to read in your downtime at the motel after a long day of paranormal investigation with your new partner? These are a few of my favorite season 1 fics:

Season spanning/AU versions of season 1:

Universal Invariants by @syntax6 - one of my favorite fics of all time, a casefile set over the course of a canon-parallel version of season 1/early season 2 where Scully’s boyfriend Ethan who was cut from the pilot sticks around. There’s a fantastic follow up Laws of Motion set in season 5. NSFW.

Early On by @sunflowerseedsandscience - one of my comfort fics that I return to again and again. Featuring the perfect, giddy, making out in the rain during the Pilot scene. Ethan sticks around in this fic too.

The Way Things Are by Sukie Tawdry - Scully gets pregnant after a drunken night together mid-season 1. Very angsty and doesn’t feel entirely in character to me but I like a good accidental pregnancy AU. NSFW. (On Gossamer so if the link doesn’t work you can search for it there.)

Unspoken Rules by skuls - Five times Mulder and Scully kissed and never talked about it, and one time they didn’t.

A/S/L by Skinfull - Mulder and Scully start having anonymous cybersex, each suspecting who they’re really chatting with, NSFW.

the progression (and regression) of first names by skuls - Vignettes across season 1. Dana and Scully, she thinks, are two separate people, and he only knows the Scully part of her. She doesn’t know which part she likes better, but she likes it when he calls her Scully.

Episode-related fics:

Pilot Sex by scullygolightly - series of ten different ways it might have happened, NSFW of course.

Oregon Rain by skuls - Pilot missing scene in the motel room, filling in the blanks for how Scully came to be lying on Mulder’s bed as he opens up to her about Samantha.

The Two Percent Solution 01: Distraction by Lysandra31 - Pilot missing scene motel room sex, really good, NSFW.

Most Unwanted by @monikafilefan - post Pilot Scully breaks up with her boyfriend Ethan and asks Mulder if his offer to join him on a run still stands. Does some really nice character work.

Center Mass by @kateyes224 - Mulder and Scully get to know each other between the Pilot and Deep Throat. I read this awhile back and was thrilled to find it again - the ending scene was seared into my memory, NSFW.

Squeeze by Living_Underground aka @freckleslikestars - Post Squeeze Scully doesn’t want to be alone, they talk about Scully’s first sexual experiences, and then... NSFW (part of a smut in every season 1 episode series)

Squeeze by @bigfootwrites aka @scullysexual - post Squeeze vignette as Scully processes what happened and that it likely won’t be the last time (part of a season 1 Scully diary series)

Snaps by CrossedBeams - after Scully’s lackluster date in The Jersey Devil she meets up with Mulder, NSFW.

Getting Familiar by Spooky66 - post Ice they go out for a drink, NSFW.

Everywhere in the Dark by tree - a missing scene from Ice. What happened between saying goodnight and Mulder finding Murphy? This is one possibility. So good.

Several Times Scully Got Locked Out Of Her Motel Room In Her Scanties (First Time Smut Ensues) by DanaScullyMakesMeFeelAutopsyTurvy - first chapter is set during Space and it’s so good, there are so many silly sexy space puns. NSFW.

Turning of the Tide by TabithaJean aka @agirlcallednarelle - post Lazarus fics from both Mulder and Scully’s perspectives, lovely exploration of their early partnership as they’re beginning to trust each other. Love the little glimpses of Scully’s relationship with Melissa too.

Unknown by @kittenscully - post Darkness Falls stargazing and philosophical musings.

The Sandwich by @lotsoforangesoutside - post Tooms chat between Scully sisters. “Love is what makes it all worthwhile. It makes the uncomfortable bearable. It’s fate that you would stand by his side, but love makes you stand by his side willingly.” Melissa swallows a bite. “Without love, fate alone can make life downright... miserable.”

[bigfootwrites]

queequegwrites -> bigfootwrites

i couldn’t resist any longer

[scullysexual]

fanfic update

Some people might not be 100% happy with this especially if you’re a fan of a certain escort au but...

I think I’m gonna put my current aus/fics on hold. So that’s the escort au, post col au, danse macabre, time can heal and the 100 days of prompts and probably the challenge. I’m feeling spotty with them, I’m feeling guilty for not having the time or energy to write them and overall I miss just having one series to think about and focus on and honestly, I think I work better just focusing in one thing.

So what is that thing I’m going to work on?

Well, actually it will be two:

The Rewatch Series as that is once a week, I do everything in 2hrs/2.30hrs and it doesn’t impede on any other writing I’m planning on doing.

A pirate/mermaid/original little mermaid au. I’m hoping that it’s short enough that it won’t take me too long to write.

But yeah, those are the only things I’m going to be focusing on as of now. I’m not abandoning my other WIPs, they’re just being stored away. Once I’m done with the mermaid au then I’ll see about just working on one of the others above. Other stuff my filter through- prompts, maybe some untitled college au one shots, stuff that isn’t connected.

All my fics are being posted on this blog now under scullysexualwrites and you can also click on ‘fics’ on my blog website page thing. I’ll let you know if I ever move back to bigfootwrites at all.

[scullysexual]

@bigfootwrites is one follower away from reaching 100. Thank you to everyone to reads and supports my stuff. It really means a lot to me

[scullysexual]

hey! been reading through some of your fics and theyre great!!!

Thanks, im glad you're enjoying them. They are spread out across two blogs- this one and @bigfootwrites. There are also some fics that just aren't accessible anymore because of url changes. If you want to read more of my fic, I have an ao3 account- the name there is PostApocolypticAlien.

[scullysexual]

3, 9 and 16 for the writer asks

3) Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole? 

I just answered this lol. There probs is but I’d need to see a prompt list to find out.

9) Which fic has been the hardest to write? 

Time Can Heal. It’s a difficult fic anyway and I am lowkey struggling to write out the episode, it’s probably my least favourite part rn. I can’t wait to get past that bit and write the aftermath.

16) If you only could write one pairing for the rest of your life, which pairing would it be? 

Mulder and Scully. It’s all I write anyway.

You can find my fic at @bigfootwrites

im bored. send me fic asks

[scullysexual]

How about 3,5, and 15 for the fic questions thingy? :)

3) Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole? 

Chances are, yeah, but I’d have to see a trope list to figure it out.

5) Share one of your strengths. 

I answere this one but it was my unique ideas.

15) If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose? 

I’d love for Danse Macabre to be filmed. It’s the show but like Victorian.

you can find my fic at @bigfootwrites

im bored. send me fic asks

[scullysexual]

40 questions!

2, 5, 8

Thank you Kristen!

2) Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to? 

I don’t think so. I just write whatever comes into my head tbf.

5) Share one of your strengths. 

Bruh...Errr, I’m good at coming up with unique ideas?

8) Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it. 

“Not all the children are like Emily. Most are brought to me because they have behavioural problems or they begin acting out sexual tendencies too early. Some cry too often or don’t cry at all. It depends on the parent.” He looks back at her to find she’s still listening. He shrugs. “Not every child is an Emily yet some people seem to think they are.” (Danse Macabre: Adventures of Mr Mulder and Dr Scully) I thought I was being clever tbf.

You can read my fic over at @bigfootwrites or on AO3

im bored. send me fic asks.