#Yasinto Widjojo

[randomfoggytiger]

X-Files Collector’s Edition: Off-The-Wall Crazy Crack Fic {Edited}

Skinner’s gremlin birthday, Mulder and Scully adopting a Cheerio loving alien, nightmarish insurance claim calls, failed pipe repair with bubble gum-- this has all the crazy adventures that Chris Carter likes to pretend don’t exist (and do because I say so.) 

(Note: I separated this out from my original crack-fic post for better ~thematic~ order... and also because I had others that necessitated a re-ordering.)

Loose chronological order below! 

Diadem’s Happy Birthday  

““Crossing in to his office he hung his jacket in the small closet space hidden in the rear wall.  It was only upon turning back to his desk that he noticed the small parcel, set carefully atop a stack of mail.  It was hexagonal, about eight inches tall, and was wrapped in shiny green paper.  It was taunting him.    

Silly as it may be, his first instinct was to run.  Unfortunately he had a meeting in twelve minutes, so that was not an option.””

Skinner spends his birthday alternately bonding with and vainly hiding a Furby in his desk (at least he has someone to celebrate his special day with.)  

Yasinta Widjojo’s Monster Mash

““What's up?' Mulder asked.        

'Have you had your computer crashed lately?' Langly asked.        

'Of course, everyone had.' Scully shrugged.        

'It might not be as easy as you think it is. We discovered that some crashes were actually caused by an unknown biological entity in the system itself.' Byers said as he turned away from his computer.””

CSM’s latest nefarious scheme-- unleashing little monsters on the computers-- is stopped by TLG; but it explodes before they can pick it apart for information.

Satchie’s Claimed

““Now fully recovered and back at work, Mulder waged war against his health plan like a modern day Don Quixote tilting at imaginary windmills.  His medical claim had been denied five times without explanation, and he was incredibly frazzled.  Numerous phone calls to the hospital and claims office were less than productive.  He was inundated with past due notices and harassing phone calls from the hospital threatening to turn his account over to a collection agency, as well as letters from the health plan stating his claim could not be paid under the terms of the contract.””

Mulder has recovered from one of his many hospitalization stays only to encounter the real nightmare: insurance calls.

FootlessData507′s

Do You Want to Believe?  

““You whistle on your way to the Hoover Building. Why shouldn’t you whistle? You are a straight, well-educated, white American male in your thirties. You feel relevant and vital. “Stand aside!” your stride seems to say. “For I am a straight, well-educated, white American male in my thirties!” Nodding at a perfect stranger on the street, your body language adds, “And I grew up on Martha’s Vineyard!” However, your relevance and vitality diminish somewhat when you enter the Hoover Building, and diminish even more when you reach the audiovisual equipment room and are informed by Marge that you can’t have the good projector today because the Financial Crimes section needs it.”"

An alternating POV ‘Pick Your Own Adventure’ with Mulder whistling through his haphazard day and Scully trying to bail him out of his choices.

CLONK!

““Does Mulder know you’re here?” demanded Langly, who was sitting beside Frohike. The woman across from him flinched.            

“Excuse me,” she snapped, “what’s going on? Do you all know each other?” She tucked her hair, which was every bit as long and blonde as Langly’s, behind her ear.          

“Mulder doesn’t know I’m here,” Scully answered, “and I’d appreciate it—”    

“Why should she have to tell Mulder she’s here?” Frohike demanded, turning on Langly. “Unless she’s here for an X-File—”            

At this possibility, Frohike and Langly both started swiveling around, searching the basement for anything inconsistent with a Unitarian speed dating event.””

Scully’s cousin drags her out of her comfort zone in the pursuit of men-- at a different faith’s church with strangers and two Ken-doll identical twins... and TLG. It turns into a group shout and gossip session before all of them meet up with Mulder at the movie theater.

This is SO good. SOOOOOOO good. Everything weaves back and in on itself.

@scullysexual​/@bigfootwrites​/PostApocolypticAlien’s

Mulder and Scully Adopt an Alien

““The grey creature’s back is to him but Mulder can see in its hands is a bag of his Lucky Charms.

In a surprise, he drops his gun. It crashes to the floor startling the creature who turns in surprise. Its big black eyes stare up at Mulder with wonder and fright, the Lucky Charms bag clutched tightly in one hand, a marshmallow held frozen in the air in the other.

Then it starts screaming.

And Mulder starts screaming in response.

And everyone is screaming.””

Mulder is enamored with his cereal alien... until it bonds with Scully, who beams like a proud kindergarten teacher. Then Mulder gets petty and jealous.

Mulder and Scully Adopt an Alien Part 2

““I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” says Scully, shaking her head.

“It’ll be fine,” says Mulder with no hint of worry in his voice at all. “He looks fine.

”The ‘he’ referenced is the alien- dressed in one of Scully’s dresses from when she was younger, Mulder’s baseball hat covering his head.””

Mulder and Scully have to sneak their alien friend into FBI headquarters to (hopefully) find resources to return him home. They’re almost immediately in trouble, of course.

Char Hall’s Switch  

““Agent Mulder,"  Skinner began.    

"Yes?"  Mulder answered and Skinners face clouded with confusion.  Scully poked Mulder in the ribs and stepped forward.    

"She's funny, isn't she?  What can I do for you, sir?" she said calmly.  She felt like a fool.    

"Uh, you two have another case to do.  Mulder, I need you in my office in a half an hour.  Scully," he said, turning towards Mulder.  "I need you to perform an autopsy in bay four.  Pronto."  he said and stalked away from the office.””

Scully is woken in the office by the unpleasant realization that she and Mulder have body swapped. Mulder’s not happy, either; but his day gets worse every time he runs into cronies from her old life. (Also, they both get shot, so....)  

eponine119′s X-Mas

““"They'd been having hard times - in school, financially - it's conceivable they would be looking for an easy solution to their problems."

"Asking Santa?" cried Scully.  "These were seventeen and eighteen year old girls, Mulder, they've got to have more sense than that."

"I know," Mulder informed her, "My source tells me they intended to document Jolly Old Saint Nick and sell the pictures to the highest bidder.”"

Santa is kidnapping little girls to use as slave labor. He’s kinda evil, and makes them forget.

Mystic’s Plumbing

““...Their eyes raised to the roof where the drops originated from, a small hole with a circumference of about an inch.

"Rain?"  Mulder asked.

"We're in the basement."  Scully reminded.

Both never taking their eyes off the hole.””

Skinner finally cracks after seeing his agents drenched in water, failing to plug up a ceiling leak with bubble gum.

Kel’s The Shortest Mulder MedicalTorture Ever Written

““He vomited again and again, and he did not want to eat anything, not even sunflower seeds.  

Mulder said he felt fine but Scully said he had acute appendicitis. She took him to the hospital herself, to make sure that he didn't accidentally go to Antarctica.

The emergency room doctor did horrible things to Mulder, like push on his sore tummy and put a needle in his arm.””

This puts all medical torture hurtfic into simplified sentences while condescendingly patting the reader on the head. This SPOKE to my soul, which was ravaged with the wounds of bad X-Files fics. No joke I have a read a story based on all the mentioned tropes (and more.) Perfect. 

Amy Schatz’s

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

““Scully," he whined, looking up at her.  "I don't like Hazlenut/Irish  Cream/Ginger/Mocha/French  Vanilla/Chocolate Mint  coffee!   And  I  really don't  like  Peach/Pear/Apple Turnovers!"      

Scully shrugged.  "So?  You didn't want to come  to my mother's   house   for   Christmas,  New   Year's,   Easter, President's  Day,  Columbus  Day,  St.  Patrick's  Day,   my birthday,  my cousin's shower, or Spring Cleaning  Day,  but you were glad you did afterwards, right?  So give the coffee and  pastry  a try."  She hoped that he would buy  that  and just  leave well enough alone.  Scully was not up to a fight with *Her* today.      

Mulder shook his head, suddenly feeling rebellious, and thinking  that this insanity had gone on too  long  and  too far.  "But, Scully-"    

"Mulder!" she hissed, "stick to the script!"

Meta-- Mulder and Scully are salty with the thousand-and-one unrealistic scenarios they have to act out each day, courtesy of the Writing Overlords.If they step out of line just a little, the punishment is swift, severe, and hysterical: for example, Pendrell in alluringly compromising positions for Scully. (READ THIS AND WEEP WITH LAUGHTER.)

Enjoy!