#big fan of bird being mean to but also kinda scared of soap

[spidehpig]

poor bird getting cornered by ghoap at a bar

:(

soap is just so icky & obnoxious. horny little mutt can’t stop making overt passes at her. tries to paw at her tits a few times. just entirely too eager. he’s been hard in his pants for a half hour now. so she starts to shrink towards the tall & quiet one. maybe he’s a little nicer, he hasn’t said anything gross or tried to grope her so far. only to squeak when big fucker pulls her onto his lap and shoves his hand up her skirt

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #337

“if i showed you my soul, would you cover your eyes?”

What's your favorite brand of chips? I like Lays best. Are you a good painter? My Painting teacher when I was in college last said I did wonderfully, but I definitely beg to differ. Before buying a car, do you usually test drive it? N/A Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? No, but a teacher has. It was so fucking awkward; it was very pacifist, the topic being about war, and it had some depressing tones of death; there was just silence at the end of it, and I still don't know if it was shock or "what the fuck, she's messed up." There was this one guy that went, "Nobody is going to clap at that?", though, which I thought was pretty nice and reassuring. Do you like pineapple? Yeah, I do. Have you ever met your favorite author? I don't have a favorite author. Have you and your best friend ever liked the same person? No. Do you have any freckles? Not on my face (though oddly enough, I did as a kid?), but on random parts of my body. How many different languages can you say goodbye in? English, German, and then Spanish. Do you like or hate the smell of fish? I hate it. Have you ever been to Sea World? As a child, yes. I'd never go as an adult. Do you know someone who suffers from short-term memory loss? I don't know how this is actually diagnosed, but my memory is absolutely fucking nightmarish, almost exclusively in short-term situations. I can remember the most obscure events from my childhood, but not what I said to you five seconds prior. I'm rather sure my medications have made it worse over time. Have you ever read any of John Green's books? I got like, one chapter or less into The Fault in Our Stars before the book got replaced with the Wings of Fire series, so I never finished it. Are you a protective person? I'm an immensely protective person over those that matter to me. Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No, thankfully. I'm terrified of earthquakes. What's one thing that makes everything in life worthwhile? The fact that to our proven knowledge, this is the only one we'll ever experience. What type of waffles do you like? (Plain, blueberry etc..) I prefer plain, but I can eat chocolate chip ones as well as blueberry and strawberry. Have you ever seen the show Wife Swap? Yeah, I actually quite like it. Do you like chicken or beef better? Or do you not eat meat? Chicken, I think. I eat meat, but wish I didn't. What brand of dish soap do you use? Dawn, usually. Do any of your neighbors have dogs? Yes, and they never shut up. Do you believe in fortune tellers? They're money-driver bullshitters. Have you ever been to one? No, and judging by the fervor in the above question, I hope you can tell I never would do so and thus monetarily support them. Do you like regular or chocolate milk better? Chocolate, of course. But I love normal milk, too. Once again, wish I didn't, though. Forcing a cow to constantly reproduce to lactate is pretty fucking cruel. Growing up, did you listen to country music? I actually did. Do you normally wash your hands in warm or cold water? If it's just a quick wash, it's usually cold because our water takes quite a few moments to warm up. However, if I'm looking to thoroughly wash my hands, it's gotta be relatively hot. Do you believe in mediums? I see them in a worse light than I do fortune tellers, so... Like sure, manipulate grieving people for profit, sounds great. Have you ever been to one? Obviously not. Have you ever dated someone on the football team? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. Do you like tomatoes? Solely when straight from a garden and on a bacon and mayonnaise sandwich. Otherwise I am noooot a fan. Are you a competitive person? Not very, but there's a tiny spark in me, really when it just comes to photography. I hate it. Google or Bing? Does literally anyone use Bing? What's your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia. Do you have any ceramic animals in your house or outside? Ummm I don't think so. Have you ever given someone flowers? Yes. What is something you might eat with a hamburger? Fries or mac and cheese. What is a sport that you’ve always wanted to play, but never got a chance to. None. What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? A banana. Who might you send a selfie to? I don't send selfies to anyone. About how many pages is the longest book you’ve ever read? I THINK it surpassed 1,000? At least in the high hundreds. Who would you call first after getting engaged to tell them the news? Probably Mom. Around what time do you start feeling tired enough to go to sleep? Truth be told, it's usually arouund 7-8. I rarely make it to 9:00 nowadays. What trends do you refuse to give in to? I don't even know what's trendy right now. What subjects in history interest you most? As dark as it is, I find the Holocaust interesting to learn about. Are you superstitious in any way? No. How do you get rid of anxiety? What a relevant question, being in a partial hospitalization program right now. Coping skills that help me are doing deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, and a little jerk back to reality is splashing freezing cold water on my face. It also helps to talk it out with somebody, just get my feelings into words. Then if it's a true anxiety or panic attack, I have my "emergency" anxiety prescription. Are there any items of jewelry you never/rarely take off? My lip and tragus piercings never do, and I always wear two rings. Do you find yourself correcting people’s grammar often? Not really, no. It just seems rude and snobby to me, honestly, if it's not in an educational setting, like helping someone with an essay. Correcting someone in your average conversation is just... unnecessary, imo. Now if you're talking like in surveys and stuff, I definitely do in questions and such, but I don't point it out. Gummi worms: Yay or nay? Yay, love 'em. What do you do when you have ‘me time’? I only ever have "me" time, so what I always do... Do you lack common sense sometimes? I have a horrible lack of common sense, shit's embarrassing. Have you ever poured glue on your hand just to peel it off for fun? No. How do babies make you feel? "Nervous. They’re so damn breakable." <<<< Mood. Would you/Have you milked a cow? No, and I'm not interested. What really gives you the creeps? #!: seeing a baby move inside its mother's stomach. It will actually make me scream and/or cry because it just grosses me the fuck out. Whale sharks' mouths also creep me out big time. Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? Yeah, I love cold pizza. When you're wanting a midnight snack, what do you normally get? We normally have cashew bars that I like if I'm really hungry. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Obviously Pikachu. My niece loves Pikachu anyway, so she'd be ecstatic to see a real one. Or well, maybe I'd go for an Eevee. Not as dangerous with electricity and all but just as cute and small. Do you like marshmallows? Yeah. If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? No. It would ruin so many factors of the temporary nature of life. Things would lose meaning, get old and boring, it'd be much easier to take advantage of things... There are many reasons why I have no desire to live forever. Hell, I even wonder if I want an afterlife for those same reasons. Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? As a little kid, yeah. Do you like quesadillas? I like cheese, chicken, and shrimp ones. What's the greatest/most influential song you've ever heard? Ozzy's "Life Won't Wait." Do you prefer to pull off band-aids slowly or quickly? I tend to do it slowly. What was the last thing someone told you that had you at a loss for words? Uhhh I feel like Sara said something, but I don't remember what. What was the last health scare you had? Ugh... I'm kind of living in one now. As my legs have been worsening, I'm becoming increasingly concerned I'm eventually going to need a wheelchair for "walking" longer distances. And mind you, "long" for me is probably short for the average person. My knees do nothing but crack incessantly and burn when I use them, and they frequently feel like they're going to give way, and in a few rare instances, have. It's my own fucking fault for not sucking it up and exercising with my mom in the room, so I'd like to move on. What is your favorite filling for a piece of chocolate? Caramel. Do you enjoy the sound of birds chirping? I do. If applicable, what’s your favorite drug, and why? I don't do drugs, so. What was the last TV show you binge-watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender with Sara. Would you rather eat burgers or tacos? Definitely burgers. I don't like tacos. Did your mother change her maiden name when/if she got marred? Yes. What was the last job you applied for? Did you get the job? Deli worker, and yes. Do you use TikTok? No. What decorations do you have in your bathroom? None. Our bathroom is pretty small. Well, the one we use, anyway. The one attached to the master's bedroom isn't cleaned up yet, but we'll use it in case of emergency. What year was your favourite band formed? (Before people think I'm smart, no, I looked the dates up, haha.) Well Ozzy was Black Sabbath's vocalist, and the band formed in 1968, but Ozzy became a solo artist in 1979. What's your favourite fruit? Strawberries. Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? No. Do you prefer gory horror films or the psychological ones? I prefer psychological. Are you easily paranoid? Yeah. Do you have a favorite obsession? Meerkats and Mark are kinda tied, haha. Are you a workaholic? No. Have you ever given a tattoo before and would you like to? No and no; that would be an awful idea, given I have bad tremors in my hands. Have you ever seen the movie Labyrinth? I actually have not. Would you rather be called pretty or hot? Pretty. Have you ever gotten a serious injury at school? What happened? No. Have you ever performed in front of my large group of people? Yes; I was a dancer for many years. Have you ever fundraised? If so, what for? You know how Facebook recommends making fundraisers for a charity of your choice for your birthday? I've done that for the Trevor Project and two charities for ovarian and pancreatic cancers. Are you wearing earrings right now? Ugh, no, even though I want to be. The first holes in my ears are just too stretched for normal earrings because I wore heavy ones too often, and I just don't have nice earrings. I still want to get very small gauges to put in the stretched holes. Name a singer whose voice makes you swoon? Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump can do that, holy shit. "America's Suitehearts" does it for me, man. Y'know, when his voice goes all deep. Do your pets follow you when you walk around the house? My cat Roman is quite literally my shadow. Where I go, he goes. What do you do online? I seem to only exist online, really, so I've got a lot on my plate to choose from, yet I'm still bored half the time, haha. I'm essentially always watching or listening to YouTube, I play World of Warcraft for varying amounts of time depending on the day, I scroll through deviantART, check KM periodically, do surveys obviously, "work" at the wikis I contribute to, wander around on Facebook... idk, that's all I really do at least semi-regularly online. Haha oh, wait, I also check Craigslist like... every day for tarantula and hognoses even though I can't currently get either. Let me dream. Do you have any scars on your face? I have a couple on my chin from when I fainted and busted it open. What countries were your grandparents born in? In the US. What was the most damaging relationship (romantic or not) that you’ve ever been a part of? Ultimately, with Jason, because of how it ended. The relationship itself wasn't at all damaging to me, but the breakup shook my entire fucking world. When in your life was your self-esteem at its lowest point? Self-esteem? Now. I'm very unhappy with my weight going back up, my body is just in poor health in general, I'm not employed, not in school... I just feel like a lowlife. Who was the last person you cut out of your life? Do you regret it? I want to say my sister's mother-in-law. Sure don't, considering she revealed her disgusting support for conversion therapy. I'm civil around her in person, but I kicked that woman off my Facebook so fucking quick when I saw that shit. Who is the most attractive person you know personally? That I know personally... I would say Alon, but I haven't seen even a picture of her in forever. Summer, though, shares selfies frequently, and by god is she gorgeous. I know a lot a lot of beautiful women, asldkjf;awe. It's funny that I'm blanking on men, at least involving people I still "know"/are somehow present in my life. Would you rather look older or younger than you are? I'm fine looking my age. Have you ever dated someone who was very vastly different from your “type”? No. What is the biggest project you’re currently working on? I suppose you can count an RP plot as a "project." I'm procrastinating so bad on it because it is going to be A LOT of writing. Is there a person from your past that you wonder about frequently? Who? Take a shot in the dark for me. Who knows you best, excluding romantic partners? My mother. What are your thoughts on human creation? I believe we evolved. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever had a yard sale? Yeah. Have you ever been surfing? No.

[magic5ball]

Nature Trail to Hell Arc V: Back into Hell (II)

Chapter 2: The Reunion

“Face me, demon!” the Shatster kept at with his cleaver, breath forming fierce clouds in the air. First I was right scared, sharp object and all that, but seeing how I was a ghost, it wasn’t really a problem.

No, the real probelino was getting Shatner to NOTICE me for a sec.

You know how in the movies they’ll show ghosts moving stuff around like its’ nothing? From experience, I can promise you that is GRADE-A BUNKO! When you’re spectral, you don’t have muscles and living stuff, so while going through walls is pretty neat, it also means lifting a q-tip is a complete workout!

Fortunately, my ghost lungs were still in working order, and with a bit of work I could make my breath mist. From there, I just blew on a wall, painted words on with my index finger, and… voila! Instant messaging without the phone!

SHATER YOU NERD IT’S ME

The big guy, for his part, stared like he’d just seen a ghost, which wasn’t really surprising.

A few seconds of gaping like a flounder at my little message, he stared just to the left of me, coughing out

“W-Watterson Tostig? After all this time?!”

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, BOOGER BRAIN.

One more deep breath.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?

“R-right!” Cried Shatner. “I’ll get us some tea!”

                                                        .   .   .

My mouth was too stiff to tell him I’d rather drink sewage than something that came from a vegetable (tea does come from vegetables, right?), so I kinda just sucked it up and went along with it.  

Without even asking me what I wanted, Shatner led me to what I can only call some sort of break room.

           Empty, grey place, lit only by a birthday cake with ten little candles at its’ center. Surrounding this cake, like the world’s crappiest campfire, were a pair of overturned egg crates. I plopped my keister on one of those crates as the big guy left for the kitchen. I could only sit there, teeth chattering, wondering how my dinosaur friends were doing. There, in that barren room, paralyzed, helpless, barely able to move my teeth, realizing what a stupid not-really-a-full-fledged plan I had was, I realized something. A great, sudden revelation that strikes like lightning but leaves just as quick, but changes your life forever:

Global Warming is never there when you need it.

And who would barge in at this moment with all the grace of a sixty ton mammoth but Shatner, carrying two piping hot mugs of plant juice, a hideous abomination (‘sweater’, he corrected me) draped over his shoulder.

The sweater faded right through me as he flung it on my seat. Then, he added

“And don’t bother trying to eat the birthday cake. Bloody thing’s frozen solid by this point ( believe me, I have tried) and those candles may very well be the last source of heat in this blasted wasteland!”

Not like I could sneak a bite anyway, being spectral and all that.

Instead, I inhaled the steam coming off my tea, just the slightest bit of feeling returning to my limbs. Then I exhaled on the table, writing

WAIT. IF THE ONLY HEAT IS FROM THAT CANDLE, THEN HOW’D YOU MAKE THE TEA?

“Well my friend, that warmth you feel is the product of none other than yours trulys’ body heat!”

Just like that, I wondered if it was possible to un-inhale something. Then I remembered breathing out is a thing and felt real dumb.

“But try as I might to conserve body heat, I find it slowly, inexorably lost to the throes of entropy.” He waxed, making me forget my woes for a sec. “But enough about me, let’s talk about you. Specifically, your state of life. Or lack thereof. Because I do believe you have been dead these past few weeks. I’ve even seen the body! So-“

he said the last part real quick, like emphasizing something, “How did you get here, Watterson Tostig? How did you do it? Or are you simply an apparition brought on by the steady diet of Salisbury Steak I have subsisted on for the past few days?”

IT’S WATT, YOU NERD!

I set the record straight, really digging my index finger into the table.

“Watt. Yes, yes. My apologies.” He countered. “Now as you were saying…”

Of course, I didn’t really feel like writing down the whole story then and there. My ghost index finger was starting to get right numb. There had to be some quicker way! That’s when I remembered that, besides moving through walls, ghost can also do a crazy little thing called possessin’ folks! Now, they were never real specific about how they do that in the movies, but I figured it couldn’t be THAT hard.

Long story short, it took a good ten minutes to cram my ghost body into the Shatster’s confused mouth. If I’d only waited a year later, I’d have found you’re supposed to go through the butthole.

Not that I would have done that, anyway.

It was warm, in Shatner. Warm and moist. But most important, I could mentally project the entire story up to this point into his thick noggin in seconds. Every single crazy adventure I’d been through over the summer. By the time I’d I could see his face reflected in the linoleum floor, gaping like I’d told him the moon was made of rotten bananas.

“I’ve seen a great deal of oddity in my life,” he began, “And I can safely assure you that what you have just describe transcends nearly all of it.”

Not sure if the guy was complementing me or not, nor did I care, my eyes more focused on the beef jerky poking out of his pen holder (which all nerds have). I grabbed it, shoving the thing into his (our?) mouth.

Actually tasted half-decent! (Then again, most things taste half decent after you’ve been eating nothing but stale Cheetos and air for the past few days).

“What’s this? Tastes fancy.” I asked.

“Reconstituted Salisbury Steak.” He replied “Hilda’s terrible management of this camp irreparably botched up our food deliveries, so it was cast upon me to find a substitute.”

“Speaking of that, how did you get back here, anyway?” I asked, my voice coming out of his mouth, which was kinda weird.

“Well, if you must know…” he began. And I sat, realizing what massive torrent of WORD I had unleashed.

Shatner lectured me longtime, but the short of his story is: he ran right back home to where his little spider was waiting for him. Amazingly, he had memorized the path all the way back to his house. But when he got there, it turned out his aunt had in fact kept his spider fed, and was none too pleased with her nephew’s devious act of truancy.

“Though knowing Auntie, she was likely more furious at me for having doubted her responsibility than for absconding as I did.” Is how he put it.

After that he was dragged back to camp with all the ceremony of a death row inmate. And not metaphorically, either. His aunt literally dragged him by the collar all the way back!

“When we got there, it didn’t seem so bad. It was, I daresay, idyllic: birds chirping, sun high in sky, glowing jade green as it filtered through the tree leaves…(an entire page’s worth of pretentious crap yours truly has cut out for your own sanity), but the moment she left, the grand curtain of deception dropped, starting Act I of Hilda’s terrible play.”

           Of course, calling what Hilda did a ‘terrible play’ is like calling the first day you got soap in your eyes ‘an experience’. Kind of an annoying thing about the Shatster: rip the guy’s arm off and leave him bleeding on a cold linoleum floor and it would just be a ‘minor inconvenience’.

(Incredibly long and kinda violent) story short, Hilda basically started using Ms. Hoebag, now demon possessed, as her puppet,  giving the kids complete and utter control of the camp. Almost made me wish I stayed. Almost.

“The trouble was, this age of prosperity lasted but a few paltry hours. For as lofty as Hilda’s goals were it seemed she was not so adept at ensuring food and electricity were paid for.”

This little statement almost made me drop my jerky.

“What, did she not leave any teeth for the food and electricity fairies?”

“As a matter of fact, she forgot to pay the camp’s bills.”

“What?”

“You know, bills. What the grown-ups use to pay for stuff?”

“That’s not what my Dad told me.” I protested “He says we get it from the food and electricity faeries. I have to leave my loose teeth under the bed as payment.”

I could see Shatner’s left eye twitching. Poor guy just couldn’t handle not being the smartest in the room.

“Anyhow,” he continued, “as I was saying-“

           Without bills being payed and whatnot, it wasn’t long before Hilda stepped in to form a government, a government based on SHARING! How in the name of all that is good in the world the other kids agreed to that, I’ll never know, but apparently it had something to do with Vernon hiding all the ice cream sandwiches under his bunk. And by ‘government’, Hilda basically set up the exact thing Ms. Hoebag had going! Well, except for turning me into a martyr. And claiming everything she did was my will. Not exactly a fan of that. So once Hilda had set up her sharing policy and assigned some of the kids to enforce these laws (who might I mention were the SAME LOSERS WHO KISSED UP TO HOEBAG) it was time to vote on a camp currency. Since everyone liked ice cream sandwiches, those were chosen. Problem was, without the electricity the sandwiches melted fast as, well, ice cream in the summertime.

“Though I am not completely certain regarding the details of the matter, it seems Hilda proposed a plan to make it Christmas every day. The logic being, of course, that since Christmas is cold, and ice cream thrives in such frigid conditions, by making it cold the camp could preserve the last of the ice cream. After they sold their collective souls to a demon under the guise of a “character building activity”, their wish was granted… in the form of the most infernal, unsavory aspects of what I quite frankly consider an incredibly cynical interpretation of the winter solstice.”

“X-Mas…” I whispered, on account of that’s what we called ‘Evil Christmas’ back at my home.

Didn’t know what to be more amazed by: the fact that there was Christmas in July, or that in spite of everything, there were still mosquitoes buzzing around.

           At this point, Hilda realized that she was going to have to make the camp some money, because they (and by ‘they’ I mean she) desperately needed heat and they weren’t going to make any singing old Russian choir chants in front of the mess hall, even if it did make for some admittedly awesome camp postcards. So the kids at arts and crafts were assigned to make Papier-Mache Yugos. Amazingly, they sold because at the end of the day, they were still better than the real deal. Too bad most of the cash went into purchasing tigers. With the rest of the money, they were able to afford sixty pounds of Styrofoam, which Hilda told everyone to rip up and pretend it was heat.  (How the FUDGE does that even work?!)

“And such is the camp I arrived back at that terrible day, when Auntie returned me.”

Now, you might have noticed this has been a bit long, but gosh darn it, its’ still shorter than the little spiel Shatner gave me!

“And so I arrived here.” He sighed. “Slowly freezing to death in this wretched Gulag. At first Hilda made me haul snow like everyone else- pretended she never knew me! -before she saw my talents might be able to produce something edible from the snow. Like I could just pull food from thin air!”

“So how’d you do it?”

“You might remember our altercations with regards to the camp’s disreputable offal known as ‘Salisbury Steak’.”

“So what of it?”

Shatner wretched open a pair of creaky wooden doors leading into the floor, after undoing several rusty old locks. Even with the darkness, I could see something fleshy, pink, and BIG!

“”Oh. You’ve gotta be kidding me!”