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cal-puddies · 6 years

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without me || ashton irwin

a/n: its long, its angsty. its got drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of rape etc. this has been a huge undertaking so any and all feedback is 100% welcome.

You couldn’t be sure how Cal talked you into this.

Sure. Ashton was in rehab, but even if he completed it, it didn’t mean the two of you were getting back together. And you didn’t really see the point in giving him that hope either.

You stood, Calum’s strong hand gripping your wrist to keep you from running. You felt the slight tug from Luke’s fingers at your back belt loop, also meant to keep you in place. Ashton walked through the door with a doctor, he was laughing. He looked like the Ashton you fell in love with and spent countless hours getting to know, and loving.

Beautiful hazel eyes, nicely tanned skin. He was a little more toned than he was the last time you’d seen him. He was in jeans, and a fitted black top. He was the Ashton you fell in love with.

Not the Ashton that left you crying in the middle of your kitchen, amid the broken dishes and alcohol bottles.

Not the Ashton that you were terrified of.

It started so simply, you barely noticed the behavior change at first. He’d do a bump of coke here or there, but it was only when he was stressed and needed the extra energy. He was still incredibly kind and loving.

But that’s how it always starts, before your life becomes dependent on it.

You couldn’t keep up.

Ashton was all smiles the day you met. He looked a little tired, but still all smiles.

He leaned over to the table you were having brunch at. “You have a really cute laugh.” He mentioned quietly to you.

“Well thank you. Your dimples are cute.” You returned the compliment.

And then the two of you sat, half talking to your tables, and half talking to each other. He, of course, got your number, he didn’t meet ‘chill girls’ like you very often.

And the first date was horrible, nothing went right, he accidently hit you in the nose and you guys spent the night in the ER. But he kept you laughing and took you to ice cream. You guys got a laugh out of everyone staring at you with two black eyes and blood all down your shirt.

But you had a good second date, and very nice first kiss. You liked the way he held your face, his fingers twining into your hair.

The first time he called you ‘baby’ you practically melted into him. You weren’t expecting it, his voice was smooth, but strong. He held your hand, and just briefly looked at you, “Baby, what if I make dinner?” He asked, pulling you closer to him. “We’ll go to the store together.” His lips pressed to your cheek.

“Sure Ash, sounds fun.” You shrugged. And he was charming.

He was careful not to be affectionate in public with you at first. If he accidentally touched your back while you were out with him and the guys, he’d make one of the others touch your back as well.

But it got old real quick, and he wanted to be holding your hand. So he did. And then it was out there. You were Ashton Irwin’s girlfriend, and you made appearances on his Instagram, and he tweeted you when he was out of town and missed you, and he posted pics of you he found cute. He loved to praise the hell out of you, he was so proud of you, and you were happy to reciprocate.

Ash was loving, he loved on you in anyway that he could.

“I wasn’t expecting you.” He says quietly, as he approaches the three of you.

“Cal tricked me into it.” You shrug. “He said we were getting brunch.” You watch his eyes glance down to your wedding band, still snug against the engagement ring on your ring finger. He notices as Cal lets go of your wrist, but Luke is still holding onto your back belt loop. “They were afraid I was gonna go wait in the car.”

“I wouldn’t blame you.” He chuckles. “Last time we saw each other…”

“You left me bleeding and crying on the kitchen floor.” You whisper.

“Yeah.” He somberly nods his head. He reaches up to scratch the back of his neck.

“Well hey, ya look good.” Cal interrupts, thankfully, hugging his best friend.

Luke lets you go and you sit, watching him hug Ashton too. You still don’t want to touch him. You weren’t exactly ready to be here.

You sit quietly and half listen, half tune out the conversation. You’d already said more than you intended and it sent you into the black hole spiral you wanted to avoid, hell just seeing Ash brought up parts of the past you’d rather never think about again.

Like the way he didn’t listen that he was hurting you, once when you were having sex, and that was really the beginning of the end. He was going so hard, leaving marks is ways and places he never had before and he actively ignored that you were crying. You stopped wanting him to touch you all together after that. It took him days to realize the mistake. And by then he couldn’t apologize enough.

He tried. Flowers, jewelry, endless apologies. But he couldn’t get close to you, and you didn’t want him too.

“Thanks for sticking it out.” Cal says, after you get settled back in the car. You nod and rest your head against the window, letting the tears spill down your face. You saw the hurt in Ash’s eyes when you pulled out of the hug really quickly. You didn’t want to but you were really uncomfortable. “You ok?”

You sniffle and look at him, “I just wasn’t ready, you know? I wasn’t ready to see him or for him to touch me.”

“Yeah. I saw you pull away…?” Luke asks from the front seat.

“I’m not… I can’t tell you. I don’t want you to see him different Luke.” You say quietly.

Cal turns in his seat and reaches back to you. Resting his hand on your knee. “He told me. He feels awful about it, but he knows you have every right to behave this way.” He explains.

“Did you see his face? I don’t want to hurt him.” You admit.

“He hurt you.” Cal says simply, his fingers gently touch your jaw.

“What happened?” Luke asks quietly, turning in his seat as well.

“Luke, I’m serious, I won’t tell you.” You shake your head. “Can we get a drink?” You ask, looking at Cal.

“Absolutely.” He nods. “Everyone still hungry?” He turns to Luke, gaining his confirmation before turning back to start the car.

You pull the mail out of the mailbox and head inside once Cal drops you off. The top letter is a bill for Ashton’s care, your insurance covered most of it but there was still out of pocket costs. You didn’t want to look at it, even with your amazing job and the royalties, Ashton had snorted a lot of your extra cash up his nose. It was kind of a problem because you’d just moved into a new bigger house and you’d both funneled a lot of money into it.

Looking at the cost kinda made you wanna cry, you were beyond frustrated and you didn’t know how you were gonna get through it. You needed your partner but he’d chosen coke and now he was in rehab. He was no help. You drop the rest of the bills on the table and look around the room.

Next thing you know, Cal’s letting himself in, grocery bags, a duffle and his new dog in tow. “What’re you doing here?” You ask.

“You shouldn’t be alone.” He sighs, “and I know you aren’t taking great care of yourself.”

“He’s gonna have to come back here.” You say quietly.

“He’s got another month, we’ll cross that bridge. He can stay at mine or Luke’s till you figure it out.” He promises, arms engulfing you in a hug.

“Sometimes I think you guys are the best part of my relationship anymore.” You mumble into his chest. You let the tears start to fall and he pulls away only briefly to see that your crying. And then he’s squeezing you tighter.

“Baby.” He whispers. “I’m sure it seems that way. He’s gonna be good again though.” Cal promises.

“The damage is done Cal.” You whisper. “I don’t know him anymore.”

“Don’t say that yet baby.” He asks.

Cal lets you go and then he disappears, putting his stuff in the guest bedroom, he comes back and sets up an area in the kitchen for dog food and then he puts the groceries away. He makes you a drink and sits you at the kitchen island and sets to work on making dinner. He lets you sit quietly, probably because he didn’t know where your mind was off to, though you never really knew where it was going till it got there.

And this time it was the proposal, he’d been so weird about everything that week. He’d insisted you be in Sydney, and you were at a point in your career where you could have the best of both worlds, and be on the road. You guys had been living together for the better part of two years and you’d spent the previous year actually living in the same house for most of the year before he left for tour. He didn’t care whenever else you came out but you had to be in Sydney.

You spent the week leading up to the show with his family, you knew them well by that point. And the night before there was a small party for the guys, their families and the tour crew, and some friends. It was set up on the beach and it was so pretty. There were lights strung up everywhere creating a nice, soft glow. Ash had you in the middle of the dance floor, held close to him while you danced. He dropped to his knee when your favorite song came on.

“There’s no one in the world I want to spend the rest of my life with the way I want to spend it with you.” He declared, pulling a ring out. Your hand instantly went to cover your mouth as tears rolled down your cheeks. “Marry me?” He asked and it was all you could do to nod. He’d stood up and pulled you in, off your feet, and he kissed you. “I love you so so much.”

That night when you went to sleep, he told you you were all he’d ever need.

And he announced it to the Sydney crowd first. He’d made a comment that it was a special night, because his beautiful fiancé had made it to the show, and the crowd screamed wildly for longer than you’d expected.

Cal drummed his fingers on the counter in front of you and you snapped out of it, eyes moving up to meet his. “Sorry, what?” You ask.

“You don’t like?” He gestures to the drink. You make a show of picking it up and taking a few gulps. “Where’s your head then?” He asks.

“When he proposed to me. He told me that night I was the only thing he’d ever need. Guess he didn’t account for the alcohol and coke.” You shrug.

Cal gives you a sad smile. “None of us knew it’d go this far baby.” He assures you.

“I just don’t understand… like I knew he did coke a little before we met, but like to be addicted to it? I can’t help but feel like I triggered that.” You explain.

“You didn’t baby, you can’t think that.” Cal smooths your hair. “It definitely wasn’t you. Part of it is the lifestyle. He just got caught up.”

“I don’t know what to think Cal… I don’t.” You shake your head.

“Listen… when he gets out, it’s gonna be at least a year before we tour again. He needs to find his baseline again… I get it if you don’t want to be apart of that. But this isn’t your fault.” Cal lets out a sigh and wipes his hand over his face. “I’m here for you babe, no matter what, doesn’t matter what you choose in the end. I’m gonna be here for you.”

“Thanks Cal.” You give him a sad smile and rest your hand on top of his.

“You know when you married him you kinda married the whole band.” He chuckles.

“I know. I appreciate you.”

“Ya know Ash may want to tell the rest of the guys everything at some point so they understand. We don’t really keep shit from each other, you know that right?”

“I know. Kinda fighting with how they’ll view me after it’s all said and done.”

“They don’t get to say shit. He’s been shitty to all of us, but he’s been the worst to you.” Cal cups your chin for a minute and you guys just look at each other. He’s always had a way of silently calming you. “You’re gonna be so good babe.” He whispers.

“Thanks Cal.” You smile softly and then he turns back to the food.

The month goes quickly, you go with Cal a few more times to see Ash and it seems to ease some of the tension you’re feeling, seeing him look healthy and act like the man you love. You start to accept when he leans in for the hug, or briefly touches your hand or arm. And his eyes always find your wedding band, to make sure you’re still wearing it. To make sure he still has a chance.

Because if there’s one thing he’s learned, it’s that he can’t do any of this without you, that you are his best friend and he regrets the hurt he inflicted on you the most. He loves you more than he ever thought possible and everything could fade away if he still had you. But he didn’t know how to say that, not yet. He still owed you a thousand apologies for the kitchen, and the missed dates and anniversaries, the days long benders where he’d disappear and not answer his phone. He knows he has a lot to make up for; but he thinks it could be possible if you’re here and of your own free will.

You’re still deciding though, if there’s enough to salvage, if you could handle it.

“Getting out next week, yeah?” Cal asks.

“Yep, I’m really excited.” His hand wraps around yours, “I can start making amends.”

You nod at him and then Cal speaks up. “Maybe you should come stay with Luke or I for a bit, while you two work on things.” He suggests.

And Ash is looking to you, to see if you agree or if you’ll protest. But you’re kind of a stone wall and you’re mostly staring at the side of Calum’s face.

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever is gonna be best.” Ash eventually agrees.

So the next week you’re driving to Calum’s, and it reminds you of the first time Ash introduced you to his band. You met Calum about an hour before a party, because Ashton knew you’d need someone else to talk to, he’d be busy making the rounds.

Calum and you quickly became friends, you talked to him almost as much as you talked to Ash, but Ash knew there was nothing to worry about. Michael was the only one that was iffy when you met, Luke loved you immediately, “anyone who makes Ash that happy is good for all of us.” He’d said, pulling you into a hug.

This drive felt familiar. You’d picked Ash up from Cal’s out of his mind more than a few times. And it got to the point where you told Cal he needed to sleep it off before you saw him.

You pull up and park, you start to grab the bags of things Ash asked for from the car. And soon Cal and Luke are out helping you.

“Mike and Crys are here too.” Cal says quietly. You nod. You’d known all of them would be there.

“Anyone else?” You ask.

“He’s only asking for you.” Cal smiles at you.

Mike opens the door as you all walk up, he engulfs you in a hug, “Hey babe.” He says quietly.

“Hey Mike.”

Crystal pushes him out of the way, “Baby. It’s been too long.”

“I know.” You nod, hugging her back.

And then Ash is waiting a few feet away. He gives you a half smile and you walk over to him. He looks at you and you know he’s asking if he should hug you, you give a slight nod and he engulfs you. “Thanks for coming over.” He whispers.

“Of course.” You nod against his chest. He lets you go and your fingers lightly wrap around his and you pull him through the kitchen and out the back door. “Know you wanna come home babe.” You say as the door closes. “I’m not ready though. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not ready to have me in that space again and I accept that.” He says, “I wasn’t exactly the nicest the last time I was there.” He sighs, “and I’m so fucking sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for not being the man I swore to you I’d be when we got married. I’m sorry for hurting you in all the ways I did. You did nothing but love and support me and I… I did that to you. I’m so fucking sorry.” Ash is on the edge of tears and you’re sure he shouldn’t be that worked up. You reach out and touch his shoulder and he pulls away. “Don’t comfort me right now babe, I don’t deserve it.”

“Ash… you still deserve to be comforted.” You say, a little helpless.

“Not from you.” He disagrees. “Not right now. But someday I will be. Some day you’ll look at me and mostly see the man you married. I promise you that…” he’s quiet for a while. And you both stand there with each other and he looks up at you, “could we try… maybe going on dates again? Until you feel comfortable with me?” He asks.

“Yeah. Of course.” You agree. Because your heart aches and you miss him, this him. Not the coked out him.

“Everything ok back here?” Calum asks, poking his head out the door. He looks between the two of you and you both nod. “Dinner will be here soon, baby you want a drink?” He asks.

“Please.” You nod. Cal smiles and then goes back inside.

“You and Cal seem a lot closer than I remember.” He mentions quietly, “baby.” He almost sneers.

“You know what… we aren’t doing this again.” You say, turning your back.

“Again?” He asks, quietly.

You turn and look at him, “you don’t remember accusing me of this?”

“Of what?”

“Sleeping with Calum?” You explain. He shakes his head. “Do you remember that last day in the house?”

“Bits and pieces. Nothing about accusing you of being with Calum.”

You sigh, “I moved all the liquor, before I left for my trip. Cal said you like… disappeared for days, so I was surprised when you were home when I got there. You’d obviously been looking for something, the liquor, I think, because everything in the kitchen was in complete disarray. You asked me about having a family again, and I was just so tired. So instead of changing the subject or pretending not to hear you, I told you, I said that we’d never start a family while you were high or drunk all the time, I couldn’t trust you. And you lost it. You started screaming at me, you said I was sleeping with Cal.” You stop and look over his face, you can tell he really doesn’t remember. “And then, then all you wanted was the alcohol. So I just gave in and got you the vodka. You took a drink from the bottle and then went right back to Cal, and us not having a family. You threw it at me, and then one by one, all the plates and bowls you’d taken out and anything you could get your hands on. They all shattered, I got so many cuts on my legs and feet. I called Cal and said he had to come get you or I was calling the cops… two days later he called and told me you were going to rehab… I mean it sucked, I’d asked you like 100 times to get help, after everything.” You shrug.

“Wow… I… don’t remember that.” He moves toward you a bit, and it takes everything in you not to move away, he gently reaches for your hand. “Babe I’m… so fuckin sorry. And I know that doesn’t fix it. But I want to work on fixing it, if we can.” He sighs. “I know you’d never with Calum or anyone. I know he… I know you guys are close… I know he’s been helping you out, while I’ve been… in rehab.”

And then you can’t help it, you look him over and pull him in for a hug. He pulls back briefly and looks at you, making a decision. He holds your face and presses the softest kiss he can to your lips, and you let him. Because this Ashton can tell when to stop, and he does so. You bite your lip as his hands rest on your hips. And you go back in for another kiss, making the decision this time. He tries to make it deeper and you let it happen briefly before pulling away.

“Sorry, Ash.” You mention, dropping your hands from his neck.

“It’s ok.” His lips press to your forehead. “I’ll be the man you fell in love with again. You’ll see. I’ll show you.”

“I really fuckin hope so, Ash, more than anything.” You admit, quietly.

Luke’s head pops out, “dinner, you two.” You turn and go inside, hand in hand with Ash.

The guys talk about new music, and Ash listens intently as you catch Mike and Crys up on your life. Ash tells a couple stories from rehab just to have something to share. Luke talks about his new girlfriend and Cal stays quiet. You know he’s watching you, as Ashton drapes his arm over the back of your chair, he watches as Ash can’t take his eyes off you, his eyes catch Ash’s other hand on your thigh.

“I have an early meeting so I’m gonna have to get going.” You admit, standing. “Cal, thanks for having me, guys it was great to see you all.” You smile.

“Of course babe, you want me to walk you out… ow!” Cal says, rubbing his shin.

“She’s my wife, I can walk her out.” Ash explains. You laugh, but you let Ash grab your hand and walk you out. “Thanks for being here.” He says quietly.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else Ash. Even if I didn’t want to be here, I’d have been here. You just completed one of the most difficult things in your life and it’s only going to get harder before it gets easier. I want to be here for you, but I’m still figuring out how to balance this for myself.”

Ash cups your face, he presses his forehead to yours and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I put you through this. You never deserved it. There are three men in there better than me you could have had.”

“Don’t do that baby. I chose you, and most days, I still would. I wouldn’t choose them. We hit a rough patch and now we’re gonna see what we’re really made of.” You whisper.

You let him kiss you, more than a peck and you let him use tongue. “Can you do dinner on wednesday?” He asks, pulling away slightly.

“Yeah I can. I’ll bring your car, so you have it and then you can take me home?” You ask.

He nods, “perfect. Can I text you?” He asks.

“Of course.” You agree. “Have a good night Ash.”

“Night baby.” He kisses your cheek and opens your car door, shutting it after you’re in.

Ash grins wide when he opens the door at Cal’s. “You look amazing baby.” He compliments, pulling you inside. “I just gotta grab shoes, sorry.”

“Hey, calm down… we’ve done this before.” You insist, grabbing his hand.

“I know. Stakes are different. You fell in love with me the first time not knowing where it’d go… but now I need you to fall back in love with me having seen my worst.” He explains and takes a deep breath.

“Never fell out of love with you. We wouldn’t be here doing this. Ok. Just breathe Ash, it’s me.” You rest your hand on the side of his face.

He chuckles and looks you over. “Thank you.” He kisses your knuckles and disappears for his shoes.

Ash orders water, and it’s the first time you think about whether you should order your Manhattan.

“Sorry. Is it ok if I get a drink? I guess Cal went to all those things for you, the do’s and don'ts.”

“You can get a drink baby.” He grins. “Cal keeps alcohol in the house. I’m ok. It wasn’t the alcohol I went for anyway.”

After a month of dates, Ash is staying over. He comes over for dinner, and he’s well, he’s been very well. It was falling in love all over with him. He’s sweet and charming and he touches you just right every single time.

You’d had a glass of wine with dinner and now Ash has you propped on the arm of the couch, he was between your thighs, kissing you. He pulls away briefly, “you can say no… but any chance you wanna take this to bed?” He whispers, forehead pressed to yours.

“I definitely do… I just don’t know that we should.” You admit.

“You still scared of me?” He asks, and you can see the pain in his eyes.

“A little.” You nod, looking at the floor.

“Can I show you you don’t have to be scared?” He whispers. “You used to love going to bed with me. You like when I kiss your neck and you moan like a porn star when I go down on you. Sucking dick isn’t your favorite but you always get into it for me. You let me spank you because it turns us both on, and you’ll let me have you anyway, or you used to, because you could trust me, but you prefer chest to chest, whether it’s against the wall or sitting up in bed. You don’t love it when we’re laying down. You moan my name so softly sometimes I’m not sure I heard you, and then others I know the neighbors can hear you. Want you to be comfortable in whatever we do baby.” He admits.

“How about… we can go upstairs and see how it goes?” You whisper. “I’m not kidding though Ash, if I ask to stop you need to listen.”

“Baby, I know. I won’t make that mistake again. Mike and Cry’s were appalled when I told them. I mean, why wouldn’t they be? I raped my wife because I was too high to care.” He sighs. “Maybe we shouldn’t yet.”

“Ash... lets just take it upstairs, maybe we don’t go all the way but I’d really like to moan like a porn star for you again.” You smirk.

“Happy to put my mouth to any use we can find for it.” He smirks back and kisses you.

He only spends about 15 minutes that way before you’re pulling him up by his hair and asking him to get naked. He’s happy to do it, and he’s gentle and slow and everything you love about making love with Ash. He holds you, close to his chest. And he smells familiar and he’s warm. And it’s comfortable in a way it hadn’t been in years.

He whispers an “I love you.” As he knows you're falling asleep.

And then Ash is taking you on dates and spending the night and spending a few days at a time. Around the end of month two home Cal wrangled you for lunch while Luke took Ash out.

“Hey handsome.” You greet as he meets you at the restaurant.

“Hi love.” He grins, pulling you into a hug. “Been seeing a lot less of Ash around lately. Things going ok?”

“You could say that.” You nod. “Things are going really well actually. He’s been staying at the house and sleeping in our bed and all that Jazz.” You wave your hand.

“I know.” He winks. “Ash came home all excited after you…. re-christened the bed.” He chuckles. “Think you’ll let him come home soon?”

You nod, “I’m gonna talk to him tonight… Thank you again for letting me get my bearings.”

“He’s my brother, he married you so you’re my sister. And I want you to be 100% comfortable with what’s going on, and that’s how I can help.” He wraps both hands around both of yours. “No matter what choice you make, this isn’t the end all, be all. You still get to change your mind. I’ll support it.”

“He’s so good right now Cal.”

“I know… it’s gonna take a village to keep him on track, but, it’s also super important that you just keep treating him the way you have been.”

“I will.” You agree.

Ash looks at you like you might kill him, you’re perched on his bed at Cal’s. “Babe… everything’s fine. I have something for you.” You explain. He moves slightly closer. “Hold out your hand.”

You drop the set of keys in his hand, and he stares at it quizzically for a moment. “What’re these?”

“Keys to our house. I had the locks changed after the whole thing in the kitchen. But that’s not the point… the point is, i want you to come home when you’re ready, baby.”

His face softens up, he sets the keys on the bed and he leans over to kiss you, holding your face and your hands slip around his waist. Ash gently pushes you down, so you’re on your back. You stop him. “As much as I would love to have one of our mind blowing sessions right now, we cannot baby, not at Cal’s, not with him just down the hall.”

“He won’t mind.” Ash groans into your neck.

“Mmmm... I mind.” You laugh. “Get some stuff and come home baby, we can grab the rest of your things tomorrow.”

“Mmmf.” He moans in your ear, “love it when you talk domestic to me.”

“You’re an idiot.” You laugh.

“Your idiot though.” He gently grabs your jaw and turns your face toward him, “happy to be your idiot still.” He kisses you.

You thread your fingers in his hair and gently rub his scalp. “Yeah… you are.” You agree. “My handsome idiot man.” You chuckle and he lets out a hearty laugh. “Ash, thanks for getting help. I really appreciate it. I needed you back.” You admit quietly.

“You know, I could tell you weren’t decided on me when you came to visit the first time. I knew I was so close to losing you. And fuck. I wanted to check out so bad that night. Because part of what got me there was Cal sobering my ass up and telling me straight up, if I didn’t do it, I’d lose you… and that was horrifying.” He admits. “That’s when I knew.”

“Honestly… pretty sure Cal coming over when he did salvaged any chance you might have had at us after rehab.”

“He’s my best friend for a reason. My best man too.” Ash kisses you and pushes up off of you. You watch him grab one of the bags you’d brought over and he starts packing things.

The first week home was weird. You weren’t used to all his new little habits since rehab, and you hadn’t really noticed while he was still at Cal’s. Like he picked up smoking, but he didn’t smoke a whole cigarette, he’d go out for a couple puffs and then onward in his day, and it was usually only once a day but it was incredibly inconsistent. Apparently it was common in rehab.

He seemed lethargic around the drums, because he hadn’t really played in 3 months. But he was trying, he knew he needed to get back into it. Cal came over to work with him a bit, and it was nice to hear them both back in the house, but had gotten used to the quiet.

But he was definitely trying to make up for lost time in the bedroom. His hands were all over your body, whenever they could be, he was pulling you into rooms in the house you’d never had sex in before. He ate you out, had you laid out on your dining room table like some sort of meal, he’d had you across the counter a few times now too, In the shower, on the couch in the living room, on the stool at his kit, he’d come into the office while you were working one day and you rode him in the chair. It was exactly like when you’d first moved in together all those years ago, sex on every surface.

And he was so set on pleasing you, it never had anything to do with him.

You guys were out with friends, Ash stayed close to you or Cal, you were best at keeping him from the things he didn’t need to be around, the plethora of drugs that always seemed available at this club, or someone handing him a drink. “Baby I wanna go home.” He says to you, returning from a trip to the bathroom, arms going around your waist, his chest to your back.

“Yeah, handsome, let me close my tab. Will you see if Cal is ready? We can drop him on the way.” You ask, finishing your drink.

“Cal’s a big boy, he can find his own way home.” Ashton groans, nipping a little hard at your neck, and squeezing you a little too tight.

You pull away slightly and look at him. And he immediately pulls you back to him so you can’t.

So you pull a little harder and completely out of his grasp and you turn to look at him. “What the fuck Ash?” You watch him for a minute, making sure you’re seeing what you think you’re seeing.

Cal comes over, because he notices the tension, “Hey, what’s up?... Ash?” He asks, and you know he sees what you see, Ash is high.

“Who?” Cal asks. And you and Ash completely understood the question. “Ashton what the fuck man. You’re getting your life together, your wife back. Why? Who? Who gave it to you.”

“Someone in the bathroom.” He shrugs.

“Don’t come home tonight.” You groan. “Give me your fucking keys.”

“No. I’m fine. I’m not gonna hurt you.” Ash insists.

“Keys, Ash.” You say, holding your hand out, and he kinda knows now that’s he’s really fucked up this time. Your face says it all, but he’s having a little trouble caring.

He pulls them out of his pocket and drops them in your hand. “What am I supposed to do then?” He asks.

“Call your rehab, get a hotel, like I give a fuck.” You wave him off as you walk toward the bar. You pay your tab and head for the door.

“You’re coming with me.” Cal says to Ash.

“I just wanna go where she’s going.” He says, pointing after you.

“Yeah, well… she doesn’t want you right now. She’s probably going home to sign the divorce papers.” He remarks, dragging ash to the bar to pay his tab. “Get an Uber, to my house.” Cal says, smacking him in the back of the head.

Ash pulls his phone out and gets the Uber then looks back at Cal. “Divorce papers?”

“She told you she wasn’t putting up with this anymore Ash. You think she’s gonna let you back in the house. You’ve been clean for six fucking months. You’ve been at home for 3. She doesn’t want you there right now, i’d honestly be surprised if she ever did again.” Cal does all but push Ashton out of the bar, to find you, back pressed against a wall, crying, near the door.

“Babe!” Ash says, looking at you, moving toward you, hands out and ready to touch you.

“Don’t touch me.” You warn as he comes close to you. You push off the wall, and back away and Ash trips over himself, falling down.

Cal grabs him and picks him up. He shoves him against the wall. “Stay here Romeo, I’ll check on her.” He turns to come toward you, but then has a second thought. “Try not to draw any more attention to yourself, we don’t need people knowing you’ve relapsed.” He pushes hard against his right shoulder. “Wait up.” He calls, heading toward you.

“I can’t tonight.” You shake your head.

“Hey. This sucks I know. I’m gonna take him home with me. So you know he’s safe at least.” He shrugs.

“I don’t care.” You shake your head. “He goes to rehab he’s fine, he lives with you, he’s fine, he comes home and he’s getting high in a club bathroom on god knows what’s it's fucking me. I’m what’s doing this to him.”

“No.” Is all cal can say, pulling you into a hug. “It’s not you.”

“Yeah, thanks.” You shake your head. “Let him get sober and send him home please. So we can talk about the future of us.”

“Will do, baby. Call me later if you need or want to talk.” Cal kisses the top of your head and you both head to your separate Uber’s.

-he’s afraid to come home. Can you come here?

Cal texts, it’s mid afternoon, and you know it’s because he spent the morning trying to convince Ash to go home.

The night hadn’t been particularly kind to you, and you grab one of Ash’s bags and start pulling things out of drawers and shoving it in the bag to take with you.

You make your way to Cal’s he lets you in and points toward the direction of Ash’s room. And you can hear him pacing and talking to himself. He knows he fucked up.

You knew this wasn’t going to be easy. But, you were already at the end of your rope.

You walk in, shutting the door behind you and letting the bag drop on the floor. “Ash.”

“Babe.” His head immediately snaps up and to your direction.

“Ash.” You nod, resting your back against the door.

“You came?”

“We gotta talk Ash. I’ve been thinking, and you didn’t have a real problem until you married me, and then when you stayed with Cal, you were fine, and you came home and now all of a sudden, and you aren’t. Is it me? I’m the common thing here.”

“I dunno what I was thinking last night.” He admits, “it’s not you, I love you so much.”

“You can… love me to the end of the earth, but I could still be the one causing you to feel like you need to do this.” You let yourself start crying. “Maybe we jumped back in too fast, it’s what you wanted, I thought I was helping you but clearly I wasn’t. Maybe you should stay with Cal awhile. Maybe…” you sniff, “maybe we should chalk it up to a loss.”

“Baby, don’t… this, no. I want you, that’s it. I don’t want anything else in the entire world.” He pleads.

“Except coke.” You whisper, “you had me, you’ve had me, and coke is still what you chose.” You sigh. “Maybe I’m what you want because it’s comfortable. But maybe I’m not the best thing for you anymore.” You let out a sob. “I did my best, ya know. I’ve loved you endlessly. And I’ll always love you, but if I’m not the best thing for you…”

“Don’t… don’t finish that. You are the best thing about me.” He argues.

“Doesn’t feel like it. Maybe… let’s just try being apart for a little while.”

“No. No no no. We already were apart, the time I was in rehab and the time I spent here.”

“But, Ash. I just want you to get better and be better. And if that’s without me, then that’s it. That’s the answer.” You meet his eyes. “Can we just agree to try it? See how it goes.”

“I’m not ok with this.”

“And I’m not ok with what happened last night Ash. Or the last 3 years.” You shrug. You turn and grab the door knob, and let yourself out, pulling the door closed behind you.

You rest your back against it. And you can feel Ash lightly hit it with his fist, “baby, no. Please. I… I love you.”

“I love you Ash.” You say out loud, so he can hear you. You walk towards the living room and see Cal sitting there. His new dog in his lap. “Um… were gonna take a break, he’s, he’s probably not gonna be ok for a while.”

“We shouldn’t have taken him out, they usually say like a year? And he was doing so good and we were both there.” He pushes himself up for the couch and engulfs you. “He said he wanted to be there for mitchy’s birthday.”

“Well I’m inclined to believe Mitchy is where he got it from… I gotta go Cal. I can’t be here right now, it’s not good for him or I.”

“Ok babe, I’m here for you too, like we talked about.” He whispers.

“I know Cal.” You nod. You lean up and kiss his cheek. “I just think people in this house need a break.”

You don’t see any of them for 3 months. You and calum text intermittently, He checks on you, and he lets you know what’s going on with Ash.

You get invited to the co-ed baby shower for Mike and Crystal and you of course have to go. You get a quick heads up that Ash might bring someone and you get that twinge in your chest. The one that tells you this is gonna suck a lot more than anticipated.

You string your wedding and engagement rings on a chain as you get ready. You check and make sure the gift is perfectly wrapped, and the card is ready, and then you nervously make the drive, Cal meets you outside and he hugs you so tight to him, and you know why.

“He’s sober… he brought another girl.” He sighs, “he’s been sober since that day, we’ve been hitting the gym, he’s playing again.” He explains. “But he met someone.”

“That’s the point of a separation.” You sigh.

He gently grabs the chain and pulls on the rings, “he’s not gonna like this.”

“Well, he’s already got something he likes.” You shrug. “You look good, Cal. Gym’s been good to ya.”

He wraps his arm around your shoulder to walk you in. Ash is holding hands with the little blonde thing he brought. He looks good, he looks in shape and healthy. You stare for a minute before your spotted by what appears to be a barely pregnant Crystal.

“Where have you been?” She demands, squeezing you.

“Busy, babe.” You shrug.

“We know what’s going on. By the way. Mike asked him not to bring her.” She says quietly.

“It’s Ok that he did. I told him this is what I wanted.” You assure her.

She sighs, but leaves you for Mike and Luke.

“Hi.” Luke grins, pulling you in. “Heard y’all are seeing other people…” He starts, winking when he pulls back, hands staying on your hips.

“We both know if I was gonna go for anyone else in the band, I’d jump into Cals bed first.”

“Well I’ll take solace in knowing I’m your third choice.” He grins again.

“Keep telling yourself that.” You wink.

He rolls his eyes and Mike pulls you in and holds you extra long, and you just enjoy it. “You’re good, he’s gonna be ok, and things will get figured out.” He promises quietly in your ear. “We all agreed there needs to be a massive change in the way we all live, so nothing like that happens again, he still loves you, you’re still end game.”

“Mmm, thank you, but it doesn’t feel that way. And congratulations to you! You’re gonna be a dad!” You say excitedly.

“Mmmhmm, to a baby girl.” He says.

“Mike that’s so exciting!” You grin and hug him again.

It’s toward the end of the party when Ash approaches you. “Hey.” He greets.

“Hi Ashton. Good to see you, you look good.” You force a smile.

“Gym, drums. You look good too, um… this is Julie.” He gestures to the girl standing next to him. She looks bored.

“Julie, this is…”

“You’re wife, I recognize her from the pictures.”

“Nice to meet you.” You say, holding your hand out to shake hers.

She’s not particularly nice, and really not Ashton’s type, but if she helps him stay clean then you can’t really care that much.

“How’ve you been?” He asks, trying to break the awkward tension.

“Good, uhhh busy with work. House is pretty empty, but I have a ton of your mail, I’ll drop it by.” You nod.

“I’ll transfer money for the house payment. You need any help with the bills?” He asks. And you’re a little surprised because he hasn’t cared about anything financially in about 3 years.

“Uh no, I think I’m ok, on those.” You say. “I’ll drop the mail by later this week; but I’m gonna get going. I have a ton to do for work.” You excuse yourself. You say bye to Crystal and Mike, Luke on your way out and then you see Cal outside. “She’s not particularly nice, is she?” You ask, looking at him.

“No. She’s kind of really annoying.” He slips his hand in yours as you walk toward to your cars. “You ok?”

“I know this was my idea but it was a fucking dumb one. I’m not ok enough to see that. To see him kiss her and touch her and hold her. He’s my husband.” You gripe.

“I know babe.” He agrees.

“What was I thinking? I mean. I honestly thought he wouldn’t see anyone else, because he loves me so much. But boy was I wrong.” you continue to rant. “Is he ok Cal? Is he really ok?” You ask turning to face him because you are now in front of your car.

“Yeah, he’s been doing really good baby.”

“Do you think it’s because of her?” You sniffle And Cal now knows you’re crying.

“No baby, I don’t.” He wraps you up tight in his arms. “I think it’s because of you. He needs to get right before he can be with you. He should have done it before you got married. But he didn’t and here we are.”

“I’m sorry… for bringing you into this.” You groan, “this isn’t your fault.”

“Stop.” Cal pleads. “You’re ok. I’m here for you too. We all are.”

You’re a wreck for the next few days, you finally get it together enough to go Cal’s with Ashton’s mail.

Ashton opens the door shirtless in just basketball shorts, drumsticks in hand. “Hey, come in!” He grins at you.

“Here’s everything that’s come for you.” You hand him the stack of mail and cross your arms.

“Thanks. Cals out.” He says, noticing your eyes wandering.

“Oh, that’s ok, I really just came by for this.” You shrug. “I should go.”

“Can you stay? Just for a bit? We can talk?” He asks. He sets the mail and drumsticks on the table.

“Are you sleeping with her?” You blurt, no longer able to contain it.

He sucks in a deep breath, and lets it out. He gently reaches for you and he pulls you into a hug. “We’re still married, you’re still my wife. I’m absolutely not doing that. We’ve messed around a bit, but she understands the boundaries. I’m pretty adamant about it.” His lips push to the top of your head, “I love you babe.” He whispers, “I’m not… I won’t stop loving you.”

“I know I asked for this. I’m sorry.” You sniffle.

“Baby, no.” He sighs, “I know why. It’s ok. I know I was… upset then, but it makes sense now. I see it, I get it. But I would never with someone else. I made my vows to you. And I know that.”

“I love you Ash.” You whisper. “I should go.” You mention.

“Can you stay, a little while?” He asks, “come watch me drum? I know you love that.” He picks up his sticks, and holds out his other hand. You think on it briefly and then grab his hand and go back to the music room with him.

He plays for awhile and you admire him, he’d definitely found his passion again, and his body was in the best shape, possibly ever. He grins, when he looks up, and sees you sitting there.

“I like you there.” He mentions. And you can tell by the glint in his eye that he remembers the first time he ever said that to you.

He’d invited you over, you’d been dating a month, and you’d ask him to play for you, so he did. And you sat and watched, and grinned the whole time. He knew your eyes never left him, and this was the same.

“I like seeing you like this.” The response was natural and the same it had been then.

“C’mere.” He grins, he pulls you to his lap, and puts a stick in each one of your hands, “show me whatcha got,” his lips press to your shoulder real quick and you beat something out. “So much better than you used to be.” He laughs.

“Well there are a couple sets at home for me to practice on.” You laugh turning to look at him.

Next thing you know, his nose is softly brushing yours, and he tests the water, briefly brushing his lips against yours. “This ok?” He hums, forehead pressed to yours.

“Mmhmm.” You agree, not 100% sure where it was going.

“Can we go to my room?” He checks.

“Only if you kiss me.” You whisper.

His hand cups your face, and his lips press to yours. He hums quietly as he deepens the kiss. His hand gently smooths your hair. The sticks lay abandoned on the drum as he carries you, legs wrapped tight around his waist, to his room. The door is shut behind the two of you and then you are naked.

Ash gently lays you back, and he’s gentle. He uses his fingers first, to open you up. And he’s slow and loving as he does it.

“Ash… you… please.” You whimper.

“Yeah baby.” He agrees, and then he’s pulling you to him, against him, you straddle him and sink down on and him and he slowly works on rocking you, just enough for you both to get pleasure out of it.

It was like this in the hotel room, on your wedding night. The feeling was the same. You’re heart swelled in your chest, knowing Ash was so healthy and he seemed well.

You rest your head on his shoulder, and he tightens his grip on you. “My love.” He whispers. “Needed this.” His lips press to your bare shoulder.

You guys lay cuddled close under the blanket for a while, after you finish. Ash’s finger tips are drawing shapes into your back. “This ok?” He asks, questioning whether he made the right choice with this.

“I wouldn’t still be laying here if it wasn’t… but what about your girlfriend?” You wonder.

“Wife comes first.” He sighs, “she's just… she's helping me figure it out babe and I know you were trying but she’s been through it.” His hand comes up and tucks your hair behind your ear, then smooths it.

“Is it something I needed to do better.” You ask quietly.

“No. You’re great baby. You… you just… I can’t explain it, love.” He sighs. “I wish I could, I know you need it. But I just, I don’t know. I’m sorry baby.”

“You don’t have to apologize Ash.” You sigh, “I just needed to know.” You lay quietly for awhile, “I should go.” You move to get up.

Ash grabs you at your waist, “don’t leave.” He whispers.

“What about Julie? Not to mention, this is fucking confusing for me.” You admit.

“Julie isn’t coming over until dinner and you should stay anyway. I know Cal misses you.”

“Ash.” You gently push against his chest and it only encourages him to hold you tighter. “We shouldn’t…”

“I know baby, but I can’t help it.” He starts pushing sweet kisses to your collarbone. “I’m always gonna be drawn to you. I want to be better… to be back with you.”

“Well us jumping into bed like this probably isn’t helpful.” You sigh.

“I know. But stay, please have dinner.”

“I don’t want to get to know Julie.” You admit, pushing away and grabbing your panties and bra from where they were haphazardly thrown at the end of the bed.

When you come back from the bathroom he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, back in the shorts he was wearing. “This is awkward, I know… and I hate that this hurts you, and I know you know you said you wanted this. But I don’t think you counted on this. And that’s ok baby. I’m gonna be better, and if I’m not… then we can… we can call it quits. I think I needed to come to terms with the fact that that is a possibility. I love you, I’ll always love you. But maybe you’re right.”

“Yeah.” You nod. He looks at you and you wipe your eyes. You find your T-shirt and hoodie, and pull on your jeans before walking into the hallway and shutting the door behind you.

“Hey, you. Thought I saw your car outside.” Cal immediately wraps his arms around you. “Staying for dinner?”

“Wasn’t planning to.” You admit.

“What were you doing in Ash’s room?” He asks, redirecting you back to the living room.

“We were just…” you start.

“Ah, I see.” He nods, understanding.

“Cal?” Ash asks, walking out of his room, “I need to talk to you.”

“Of course, Ash, what’s up?”

“Alone.” He glances at you and then they disappear into the office together.

You overhear Ash’s manic tone, and Cal hushing him and telling him to stop being ridiculous.

“Of course you’re going to get back together, Ash stop this.” You hear Cal argue.

“No Calum, I need you to listen to me, I need you to take care of her. If we don’t get back together, I need you to promise me you’ll… you’ll be the one.”

You can hear Ashton crying. He thinks you aren’t getting back together.

“I’m not good enough for her.” He chokes out.

Someone knocks on the door and you know it must be Julie. “Baby, can you get that?” Cal calls to you.

“Sure.” You roll your eyes and walk to the door, you let Julie in, and immediately head back to the living room. Ash comes through, grabs Julie by the hand and drags her upstairs muttering about needing a shower.

“You want a drink?” Cal asks, wiping his face as he enters the room. “I know you heard, guess we should get used to each other.” He shrugs.

“Don’t need you to pity date me.” You chuckle, “but yes, a drink.”

“I’m not pity dating you… we’re getting married.” He gives his signature annoyed but not at you sass face and then pulls you to get a drink.

Julie comes down and rolls her eyes, “ya know Cal I wish you wouldn’t do that with him here.”

“Ya know Julie… it’s been a day and we both need this. Think we’ll be getting our own dinner too, so don’t include us on whatever you do.” Cal sneers.

Cal pours 2 of the strongest drinks he’s ever poured in his life and hands you one. “Bar?” You ask.

“Yes, let me grab my wallet.” Cal comes back out and he looks at you, “ready?”

You nod and Ash comes down, “you guys aren’t staying for dinner?” He asks, looking between the two of you.

Cal wraps his hand around yours, “we’re going on our first date… c’mon baby.” He rolls his eyes at Ashton and pulls you along. You guys get an Uber, which is fine with you because you planned on a liquid dinner anyway.

You and Cal return a little more than buzzed with a couple bags of food in hand, since you didn’t really eat. You find Ash and Julie cuddled on the couch together, making out. You mutter a “He fucked me earlier.” Into the room, and then follow Calum out back.

“You have to stay here.” He says as you both collapse in chairs out back. Cal digs through the bags of food and splits them up.

“I know.” You nod.

“Water? I’m getting us water. You can stay in my room.” He giggles.

“Ok!” You smile at him and take a bite of the In N Out burger in front of you. He hands you a bottle of water and Ash comes out back behind him.

“You guys want me to get better but you do shit like this in front of me?” He asks.

“Been a rough one mate.” Cal responds not caring to elaborate, “and it’s my house yeah? So if I want to get drunk with my friend, then I can do that. And this one…” He points to you. “Isn’t exactly having the time of her life right now, so if she needs a little break from reality, I’m inclined to let her have it.”

Ash rolls his eyes, “whatever. We’re going to bed.”

“K… don’t fuck her.” You smile.

“Don’t fuck him.” He sneers.

“You’re sending mixed signals now… you want me to marry him butttt you don’t wan me to fuck him?”

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.” He waves you both off and goes to bed.

Cals got you in his bed, in one of his T-shirts, your both watching what he put on tv and his hand is just running soothingly up and down your back, under the T-shirt. You’re sniffling every few seconds because you’d heard moaning from Ash’s room when the two of you came upstairs.

“I hate him.” You whisper quietly.

“You don’t.” Cal whispers back. You pull the necklace with your rings on it off and hand it to Cal, he puts it in his nightstand drawer and he thinks he’ll keep it there until you ask for it back, because you will. You and Ash are ggetting back together, he’s sure of it.

“I wish I did.” You whisper, sniffling again.

“C’mere.” He coaxes, pulling you closer, into a hug.

You fall asleep that way, and when you wake up in the morning, you leave Cal in the bed. You find your clothes and your shoes, and head downstairs.

Ash is in the kitchen, you walk in looking for your bag. “Have a good night?” He asks, and you know there’s something in his tone. “I mean I know how you can be.”

“Don’t really love what your implying. But yeah, I spent half the night crying over you. It was fucking great. Fuck off Ash.” You give him the finger and walk out.

It’s another three months before you see Ash again, Cal’s at your house, multiple times a week until then.

You run into him at the grocery store.

“Hey, baby.” He smiles softly at you, gently grabbing your wrist as you pass by him in the produce.

“Oh… hey Ash.” You greet, you blow at the strands of hair in your eyes and he quickly swipes them and tucks them behind your ear for you.

“Hey. How’ve you been?” He asks.

You look around, “shitty.” You breathe, “I didn’t move on like you did.”

He scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah… I broke up with her. I’m pretty sure Cal was about to kick me out.”

“Yeah that sucks for you.” You bite sarcastically at him.

“Can we… have dinner or something? So we can talk. This isn’t…” He looks around, “the best place for this conversation.”

“Yeah, come by this week or something.” You wave him off as you walk away.

“Babe?” He calls. You stop and he catches up to you. “I love you, I really really do, and I’m sorry I was awful to you the last time we saw each other. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have taken you to bed like that. I shouldn’t have the first time either. I wasn’t ready for that. I shouldn’t have done that to you.” He admits.

“Not here, Ashton… Let me know when you’re coming by.” You shrug, and you push off.

Ashton shows up a few days later, he’s got a bouquet of flowers in hand, and he’s holding them in his left hand and you can see he’s wearing his wedding band again.

“Hey, baby.” He grins.

“Hey.” You take in his appearance as you let him in, and he looks good, you think he may have dressed up a bit for you.

He heads to the kitchen to get the flowers in a vase. “I know you don’t love flowers, but I also know you appreciate the sentiment.” He mentions. “I can cook something or we can order in. But I figured we’d eat and talk.” He says. He takes you in. “You look tired.” He mentions. “And you’re not wearing your rings.” He looks concerned, briefly.

“Um.” You squeeze your ring finger and grab for the necklace that you weren’t wearing. “I’m exhausted. Been working a lot. I took on a few extra projects, making sure I could keep our house payments up to date.” You shrug. “I think they’re at Cal’s.” You finish.

“Am I not giving you enough?” He asks.

“You’ve missed the last two payments Ash.” You say matter of factly.

“Fuck. Babe, I’m sorry. We’ve been in the studio. I just… I don’t have an excuse.” He admits. “Um, here I’ll transfer some now.” He pulls out his phone.

“How’s the new stuff?” You ask.

He looks up at you once he’s done, and your phone dings and you check it and see the transfer is completed. “It’s good. Ya know, we’re developing something new. There’s a lot of tension in the studio too, we’ve always had alcohol around and now we just don’t, you know? And I know it’s for my benefit but I feel like the other three or at least Luke and Cal are annoyed at that.”

“Oh really? You don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that you and I haven’t spoken in 3 months and that’s what bothers them?” You ask.

He stops what he’s doing, going through the fridge and the cabinets, and turns to look at you. “You said your rings were at Cal’s?”

“Yeah I took em off the night I heard you with Julie. Cal… he put em somewhere.” You shrug.

“We didn’t… I promised you, and I meant it; we didn’t have sex babe.”

“Well I know what your moans sound when your dick is in someone as opposed to when your dick is in a mouth or hand.” You roll your eyes.

“I know you don’t have any reason to trust what I’m saying but I said it then, and I still mean it now, i made my vows to you and we are technically still together, I will not do that to you.” He sighs. “I rushed back into things with you, because I love you, and I’m comfortable with you. And I just… I wanted to feel like you were proud of me again… And like you could be around me again, because I know you couldn’t. And that’s all my fault and I know that… it was wrong of me to ask Cal… well you know I what I asked him.” He comes around the counter to stand in front of you, “I really truly mean that I want to be us again, and I’m doing everything in my power to make the changes I need for you to see that. And you are absolutely right, my own band doesn’t want to deal with me because I’ve alienated you, and I’ve hurt you beyond belief. I’ve destroyed all of the relationships that are important to me. I’ve destroyed us. Fuck… if you want the divorce… I’ll fuckin give it to you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I never wanted this for you.” He wipes his hand over his face.

“In one breath you say how much you still want me and in the next you say you’ll give me the divorce if I want.” You say quietly.

“Because I don’t know what’s best for you.” It comes out louder than expected. He’s exasperated.

You stare at him for about 5 minutes before you just engulf him in your arms. He’s taken aback, for sure, but he hugs you back.

“That’s maybe the most honest thing you’ve said to me in 3 and a half years, Ash.” You say against his shoulder.

You let Ash stay, and he orders food for you both and you both just sit and talk. And it’s honest conversation where he tells you his fears and his new aspirations for himself, and for the two of you.

“I want a family, but I’m terrified I won’t be a good father, and I could literally go anywhere and get anyone pregnant but you’re my partner and I can’t imagine doing something like that with anyone else. You are the love of my life, but I’m terrified I’ve damaged that beyond repair with all of this, and I realize that it’s all been me babe, and I spent so long trying to find ways to blame you, and I pushed you so far away. I don’t blame you. I wanted to, and at the end of the day, I can’t. You loved me, you supported me… as long as you could.” Ash starts crying, and it wasn’t his “you caught me” cry that you’d been used to seeing, it was an honest type of cry, he really was feeling it all.

You just reach out and touch his hand, because you don’t really know what to say, you grip it, and he rests his other one on top and grips it as well. “Ash… were gonna have a lot of rebuilding before I’ll trust you enough to do that.” You admit.

“I know babe.” He nods, “I’m honestly gonna do whatever it takes, and I mean it this time.”

“I can’t wait to see what that looks like.” You admit. “But I’m tired Ash, and I’ve got a long day tomorrow. I’ve got some client meetings.”

“Ok. Well can you come by Cal’s on Friday and I’ll make us dinner?” He asks, standing up and starting to clear the dishes.

“Um, yeah, I can do that. I’m supposed to have dinner with Cal and Luke on Saturday. So, that’s fine.”

“Oh, yeah they said they were going out; didn’t say you were going though.” He mentions, rinsing the dishes.

“I, uh… I asked them not to.”

“Why’s that?” He looks over his shoulder at you.

“I didn’t want you knowing what I was up to. I didn’t want to chance you knowing where I was, so you could make an appearance. I was… I still am, actually, pretty upset with you from the last time I saw you.”

“Completely understandable.” He dries hands and leans against the sink.

“You keep saying you know that I’d never with Cal, but you imply it whenever you can. And I don’t know what to make of that.” You start picking at your nails. “But it pisses me off because I’ve never done anything to make you think I’d consider cheating on you for even a second. Even with all the shit you’ve put me through.”

“I know babe. It’s all I had. And that’s not an excuse, I know.” He crosses back over to you, and he kisses your forehead. “I’ll see you in a couple days, yeah?” He asks.

“Sure, Ash. Dinner on Friday.” You agree.

“Have a good night babe. And a good day at work. Also, you can stop taking on extra projects. I’ll make sure I get the payments to you on time. Or you can just text me.”

“Ok.” You nod. You walk him to the door and he hugs you briefly, and kisses your cheek. “Have a good night Ash.”

“Bye baby.” He says. You watch as he descends the steps and goes to his car, and he looks back at you, like he did the first time he dropped you off after a date, like you’d be the only one for him.

It’s another month of strained dinner and coffee dates before you really start to think about trusting him again. He seems to be putting real effort in, instead of phoning it in and only telling you what you want to hear. He’s being honest and letting you know when he’s struggling.

It’s late one night, about a month and half in and he’s calling. You pick up the phone. “Ash?” Because he doesn’t call much and you know it was a studio day.

“Can you come to the studio. Mitchy showed and you were right not to trust him.” He sighs, “please baby?” He asks.

“Um, yeah, Ash, I can. Send me the address.” You agree.

You quickly pull on one of the hoodies left in his side of the closet, and a pair of boots and then head out.

You text Ash when your close and he’s waiting outside and he looks stressed. “Hey.” You greet, getting out of the car.

“Thanks for coming. I’m so sorry to call so late, but…” He starts.

“Ash, it’s no problem. I’m happy to be here for you.” You say.

“Can you come in and stay awhile?” He asks.

“Of course.” You nod.

Ash grabs your hand and pulls you inside, and Cal, Luke and Mike seem relieved to see you.

“Shouldn’t you be at home with your new baby?” You ask, hugging Mike.

“Wife’s tired of me. So I’m back at the studio.” He squeezes you. “Glad you’re here. He needs you.” He whispers.

“Luke!” You grin, hugging him.

“You need to hear some of this new stuff baby.” Cal says, wrapping his arms around you next.

“Mmm, I’d love too.” You wave to the producers, and then Mitchy walks back in as you make yourself comfortable next to Ash on a couch.

“Hey you.” He greets with a big smile.

“Hey Mitchy.” You give him a hi five.

“Didn’t know you were gonna be here.” He grins.

“Uh, yeah. I just had to finish up some work.” You shrug. Ash rests his hand on your thigh and you wrap your arm around his and rest your hand on top of his, resting your head against his shoulder. You guys hadn’t really kissed again yet, he was waiting until you were fully comfortable with him again. But he kissed the top of your head.

“Wait wait… play her….” Luke points to something on the screen. “Play that.”

The song fills the speakers, and you can tell that Luke and Ash are super proud of it. Cals got a funky bass line on it that you instantly love.

They go through about four songs and you can tell they are all gauging your reaction because you’ve always been honest about what you liked and didn’t.

The fifth one starts and it’s a little slower, and Ash actually starts the vocals, “no no, don’t play her this one.” He says.

“Yeah it’s not right yet.” Cal instantly agrees and reaches over to stop it.

You stay for a few hours and Ash doesn’t let Mitchy corner him anywhere, even going so far as to go with Cal to the bathroom. He stays close to you. “Do you wanna go home? Did you ride with Cal?” You ask, as they’re taking a break.

“Yeah I did.” He nods. “I think I can stick it out, I see you’re tired.”

“Do you… would you wanna come home with me tonight?” You ask.

“Are you sure?” He asks.

“I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t. We’re not gonna have sex, but I dunno, might be nice to share a bed.” You shrug, now looking at your shoes and not making eye contact.

“Babe, i'd love to. Lemme tell Cal, and we can leave.” Cal walks by, returning from a smoke break, “Hey, I’m gonna go home.” Ash announces.

“You rode with me.” Cal states.

“He’s gonna come to my place.” You say.

“Oh… yeah, go man.” He nods. “I’ll tell the guys.” He quickly wraps an arm around you, “don’t be a stranger baby, come back anytime.” He kisses the side of your head.

“I will, thanks Cal.” You laugh.

“Take care of my boy.”

“Always.” You nod.

“Ash, take care of our best girl.” He grins.

Ash rolls his eyes. “Ok Cal, got it.” You hand Ash the keys, letting him drive back to your house. “Means a lot you came when I needed you.” He mentions.

“Of course Ash.” You nod, resting your hand on his thigh.

“And in my clothes no less. Sight for sore eyes.” He smiles warmly at you.

“It’s what I wanted to wear.” You agree.

“Yeah, but you haven’t wanted to wear anything of mine for awhile, so it’s nice to see.”

“That’s fair, Ash…. hey can we stop and get food?”

“Absolutely. Haven’t eaten since like 6 myself.” He chuckles.

You guys get food and take it home to eat together. “It’s a nice night for the hot tub.” He mentions. The weather was getting a little colder, it being late fall now.

“I suppose it is.” You agree.

“Want to?” He asks, already pulling you to your bedroom to change.

“Sure.” You dig around and find matching pieces.

He finds his black shorts and pulls them on, and you grab a couple towels to dry off with. He pulls you back down stairs and you pull your hair back as he turns the jets on. “This night is already worth leaving the studio for.”

“Remember when all our nights were worth leaving the studio for?” You grin, getting in the hot tub.

Ash crossed the small space to sit next to you, “of course I do.” He grins. His lips press gently to your neck. “I remember leaving anything to be with you was always worth it.”

You look at him a minute and then lean in to kiss him. Very briefly, your lips meet and you pull back, gauging him.

“I’m glad you made the first move.” He whispers. “Makes me feel like it’s the step you’re ready for with me, like you trust me again.”

“You calling me tonight, because Mitchy was there, makes me feel like I can trust you again. At least a little bit.”

“Can I kiss you again?” He asks. You nod and he holds your face. He leans in and kisses you and you let him deepen it.

And then youre letting hormones get the best of you and you’re climbing in his lap. You’re hands stay on his shoulders and he holds your waist. And you slowly press your body’s together, slowly grinding your hips down on him. “Baby.” He groans into the kiss.

“Ash? You want me to stop?” You ask, pulling away slightly.

“No, never.” He presses his lips to yours, “do you want something else? I can cum from this at this point.” He leans in and whispers against your ear, “my princess need my fingers?”

You lean in and kiss him, and then pull back slightly, biting his lip, “Yes, daddy, need your fingers.” You whisper back.

Ash moves your bottoms out of the way, and he gently pushes 2 fingers in and presses his thumb against your clit, you continue to roll your hips, effectively riding his fingers and getting him off at the same time.

You and Ash shower, he was less embarrassed than you thought he’d be, but then again, it was a pretty nice compliment to make your man cum without touching him.

He was just happy you let him in the shower with you, and you’d gotten to make out a while longer. He offers to sleep in a guest room but you ask him to stop being ridiculous.

His head is on your shoulder, as you lay in bed, his hand gently running over your body. He tucks his hand into the waistband of your sleep shorts, he knows your not wearing any panties because he watched you get dressed in his t shirt and sleep shorts. “Think I know what I’m having for breakfast.” He grins.

You look at the clock and then back at him, “only if breakfast is after 1.” You agree, kissing the tip of his nose.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He chuckles, pulling his hand out of your shorts, letting it rest on your lower stomach.

And he did not disappoint, when you got a look at the clock it was after 1:30, and when you look down, you can see sleepy eyed Ashton enjoying you. His lips and tongue are teasing you. “Morning sweetheart.” He grins at you, letting his fingers sink in.

“Fuck.” You moan. He brings you to orgasm on his fingers, mouth sucking your clit. He sits up and grins, proud of himself. “I married you because of the way you do that.” You grin at him.

“I know.” He winks, and then presses his lips to the inside of your leg.

He shifts closer to you as he kisses down your thigh and you feel he’s hard, “Want me to…”

“No baby, you deserve a lot of worshipping before you really need to think about me.” He explains. “I’ll live with this, but I’m gonna make you breakfast.”

He pushes your T-shirt up, as his lips push up your stomach, and then his hard on his poking you through his underwear, right at your core, as his body is flush against you while he kisses you.

His hips are rocking against you, before you know, “baby? This ok?” He asks, knowing he’s getting a little further than he intended.

“You better not stop.” You warn, hooking one leg around his hip.

It used to be like this when you first got together, you were both insatiable for each other. There were a lot of mornings filled with this exact type of behavior, him not wanting to have sex, because of how long it’d take but still finding a way to please you before he had to run off to the studio.

Ash is barely holding on, and you decide to tease him a little to tip him over the edge, you nibble his ear, “gonna cum baby?” You say softly, threading your fingers in his hair. “I’m going to, so good Ash.”

“Fuuuuuck.” He groans. His hips hit hard into yours a few more times and then you feel the warmth of his cum spreading in his underwear.

“Feel good baby?” You ask, gently running your fingers through his hair.

“Yeah, fuck. I swear you’re the only one who’s made me cum in my pants since I was like, 15.” He groans against your neck. He moves his hips back a little and then rests his chin on your chest, and watches you as his fingers find your clit and start to rub, “since you’re so close as well.” He’s got a devious look in his eye.

“Fuck, Ash.” You moan, as he brings you to your second orgasm.

“I miss mornings like these.” He admits, laying next to you. “I need a shower.” He groans, pulling at the waistband of his underwear.

“Take me with you.” You grin at him.

“Yes, Princess.” He’s up and hoisting you over his shoulder, hand landing a couple smacks to your bare ass. You squeal and then he sets you down in the bathroom and pulls the shirt over your head, tossing it and his underwear in the dirty clothes basket. You watch as he picks the perfect temperature for the shower and pulls you in with him.

Cal’s in your kitchen, making coffee.

“Hey Cal.” You greet, hair still wet.

Ashton is in right after you, “Hey Cal.”

You knew by looking at Cal, he’d picked up on the fact that you were both freshly showered.

“What brings you over?” You ask, getting a glass of water.

“Well I came over to make sure no one was dead because neither of you answered your phones.” He explains.

“Stop being dramatic.” Ashton laughs.

“Listen if I’d’ve known I was interrupting something, I wouldn’t have come.”

“Who said you’re interrupting anything?” You smirk.

“Well I’m not stupid, for starters, you’re both freshly showered, and you both must think I’m deaf if I didn’t hear the grunting and moaning when I walked in 20 minutes ago. Heard ya both finish.” He smirks.

Ash reaches for your, “Well in that case.” He pulls you in and kisses you hard. He pushes his forehead to yours, “babe.”

The two of you are sitting at Cal’s on the couch, watching tv. You’re next to each other. His hand finds your thigh, “I want to talk to you about something.” He mentions. You turn your body to face him and nod, “I wanna come home.” He reaches for your hand, “and I want to be very clear about this, we… maybe… I’d like us to get counseling. I know I want a family’s but I know you’re not ready to trust me like that.” He sighs, “but I want you to know I’m willing to put the effort in.”

You nod, “yeah Ash, I think we could make that work.”

“And I love you. I really, truly, love you.” He adds quietly. “I meant it when I said you’re the only one.” Ash is fiddling with something, and he finally shows you, he’s got your rings. “Would you marry me again?” He asks.

You nod, and wipe at your eyes and the forming tears. Ash grabs your left hand and slips your rings back where they belong. “Think you can drop a few good lines and I’m just gonna fall into bed?” You chuckle, letting him know you mean it as a joke. “I love you too Ash. I meant every word of my vows. And I’m ok to let you back home, but I want to work on us before we think about a family.” You place your hand on top of his.

“But someday?” He asks, tentatively.

“That was always the plan. You’re going to be a great father someday, but I just don’t see that day being anytime soon.” You nod.

“That’s ok.” He agrees. You’re both quiet for a bit, “so I’m coming home, we’re going to counseling and you’re staying on the pill?”

“Yeah.” You agree, smiling at him.

“I’m all in baby.” He grins.

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