#besides the long angry poem I wrote a couple months ago

[whengeorgiawentblue]

I've seen people's reactions about my post, most of them strong (justified) criticisms and (a few) of support (in the sense of understanding why I was venting)

First, I want to apologize for my inappropriate wording. "Emotionally abusive" is a very strong word and I said that in a moment when I had to vent all this frustration. In no way I'm justifying that, I know I was an asshole and an ignorant for saying something so awful.

I want to explain why I was so frustrated. This is what I call my "first thought". But in the process of thinking about that, I realized why I was probably very wrong for blaming Misha for my frustration, and I'll explain that in what I call "my second thought":

(Warning! Long post)

First thought: most of cockles shippers know where to draw the line with the privacy of the actors. As some people said in my former post, we are no entitled to tell them what they have to post, they don't owe us anything, and it's their choice what to show to the general public.

I absolutely agree with that, in the sense of not posting anything at all, in case they don't want that in the know. So I look at Jensen, and he just remains silent about the things he doesn't want to (or can't) say in public, i.e. the spn finale (I bet my ass he's still very pissed off, no matter what he said at Creation panel) or the tapes of 15.18 (which I also bet my ass he will never release).

But Jensen is also very straightforward when he's telling something. He wanted to tell the world he loves Misha, so he posted the 10th anniversary pictures or the chest-to-chest selfie. He's not really outing themselves, but it's so telling, it's so clear for me and many hellers that he's saying he loves Misha, that I actually admire his guts in order to post something like that.

And then I see the stuff Misha usually posts. And it's so ambiguous, so open to tinhatting speculation, but not straightforward at all. He's the one leaving little, ambiguous crumbles, and that was fun at first, but after long time it becomes tiring, and frustrating. What's real? What's not real? I'm tired of speculation and tinhatting. I'm not asking them to out themselves, but, if Misha is meeting Jensen, why the secretism? Besides cockles shippers, nobody gonna think you are a couple. Just post something simple, a picture of 2 friends hanging out, that's all. Jensen would be simple and forthright, meanwhile, Misha is shady and dubious. That's the reason I got angry at first, because I felt Misha was kind of "playing" with the fandom.

Take the Misha's video at the beach. That post was released like 1-2 days after the Alma poem about 2 lovers reuniting in a beach. Personally, I don't believe Misha is Alma, so I don't think there's any connection at all, no matter how much I would love that. But let's think for a while Alma is really Misha, and he posted that on purpose, so we would "know" that he met Jensen on the beach.

Well that happened months ago, since then we haven't got any confirmation at all. In all honesty, why leaving us these hints when there won't be any confirmation? That's the reason I got angry; Misha, if you were Alma, better not to say anything, just don't leave this material to speculate because at first it's funny but at the end of the day it gets frustrating because we end up with nothing. Just behave like Jensen: if you don't want something to be known, just remain silent (I'm saying this as an example in case Misha is Alma, which I highly doubt as I said previously)

So I had all this shit on my head and I needed to steam off, reason I wrote that harsh post. But then, I realize why Misha would behave that way, and why it was so unfair to blame him for that. That's my second thought.

Second thought: the reason Jensen is so sincere, so straightforward about the stuff he chooses to post or not to post, is because he has a pass. When he posted the 10th anniversary post, nobody (but hellers) would think he's "gay" for doing that. He's kind of privileged, he has the image, the looks, the power, to not to be questioned by the general public. He's loved by literally all the spn fandom (at least until the recent J2 fallout); no matter what he shows (or doesn't show) to the public eye, his public image won't be damaged.

And then I look at Misha, who is deeply hated by a good chunk of the spn fandom, who is always under scrutiny for everything he says or does, who is (compared with Jensen) unprivileged. He hasn't got that pass, so he's the one who must be extremely careful about the things he say.

I deeply believe both Jensen and Misha want to tell the world they are in love with each other. But, while Jensen has the privilege to be so straightforward, Misha hasn't, he can't allow himself to be as sincere as Jensen, so he has to use these subtle hints to express what he wants to say so badly: that he loves Jensen.

And then there are morons like me who didn't understand that situation and put all the blame on Misha's shoulders...

(PD: I want to say just one (1) thing in my defense. I've been blamed for "demanding" Misha to post a picture of him and Jensen (and Danneel) together. I was just asking for a picture where they all are together as friends. That's all. (ok I also said fucking picture which is very rude)

Of course, people are entitled to disagree with me, but it's awkward that I've been called out for that, when half of the heller fandom, almost everyday, are asking for the tapes of 15.18 to be released. Guys, the content of these tapes is far more controversial than a simple pic of 3 friends hanging out. It's not just sensitive material the CW probably will never let to be known, it's also the fact that it would be the definitive proof of Misha and Jensen being a couple in real life. Jensen admitted he slipped out of character during that scene. God knows what happened there. If Jensen asked that to be recorded, it was only for him and Misha's private viewing. It's better to accept the fact that we'll never, ever, see the tapes.)

[amintyworld]

Doubts - Beginnings Part 4

WATERFALL (Part One), SUNSET (Part Two), SECRETS (Part Three)

A/N: Guess who back, back again-! Anyway, thanks to all the support in the last three parts, this series has been such a blast to write! I’ve finally decided on a name for it - Beginnings, so that’s what they’ll be titled with from now on to avoid any confusion. As always, links to the last three parts are above. I hope you enjoy! - Minty

TW: Surprise Pregnancy, anxiety/worry, blood/gore, alcohol/drinking, implied major character death, sickness, cursing. (Let me know if I need to tag anything else!)

--------------------------------------------

They started construction on a house around a 15-minute walk from Phil’s house, on a hill that overlooked the waterfall in the distance. They didn’t know what they were doing, but Phil did his best to help out when he could and give advice, having been in a similar situation not too long ago. Wilbur went out searching for jobs when he could and managed to get gigs every now and then as he saved up cash to get everything they needed. It was a new feeling for the couple - Wilbur’s constant worry over his girlfriend, and Sally’s determination to not let the pregnancy control her. All in all, it was a bit of a frazzle. Tommy and Tubbo were a bit off-put at the fact that they’d be uncles at such a young age - nonetheless, they tried to take it all in stride.

Phil answered a lot of questions in the following weeks from his two younger sons, who didn’t understand how it all worked. A good example could be just last week when Tubbo gave Sally ginger ale and straw, leaving Phil slightly confused until he figured out Tubbo was trying to help her out since ‘her stomach hurt’. Tommy’s confused ideas of helping were a bit more out there than his brother’s - the Carrot Incident was a pretty good example - but it was clear that their hearts were always in the right place. 

Technoblade was distanced and tried not to get too involved but helped out when he needed to - he told Phil that this was more Wilbur’s responsibility than his, which Phil couldn’t deny. The pig hybrid still hung around the couple and even eased their worries when he realized how absurd some of Wilbur’s concerns became - “You’re reading too much on those books, Wil. Just because it could happen doesn’t mean it will!” Technoblade was always available to talk and support his brother, who became a bit of a mess from it all. 

Still, they were a happy family who was nothing but excited for the baby’s arrival - they were going on five months, and things had been going smoothly… at least, mostly smoothly.

----------------------------------

Wilbur pulled up the covers on the bed as he left a tender kiss on Sally’s forehead. She smiled, yawning. “Wake me up for dinner…?”

“Of course, my salmon. You rest, I’ll make sure Tubbo and Tommy are quiet.”

Another yawn escaped the shifter’s lips. “You tell them if they wake me up they’ll be dealing with a very pissed off pregnant lady who…*yawn* won’t hesitate to kick their asses.” Wilbur giggled softly, brushing the hair out of his girlfriend’s face in a simple loving gesture.

“Get some sleep, okay?” Wilbur said. “I won’t be far.”

“I love you, Wil.”

“I love you too, Sally,” Wilbur said, turning off the lights to darken the room as he gently and softly closed the door behind him. Over time, most of his worries had eased, thankfully - but a few lingered in his mind that fizzled around his brain. Wilbur tried to push them away as he moved downstairs, resting his head against the counter for a brief moment, sitting on one of the kitchen stools. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as he ran his hands through his hair once again. He had a gig later that night, but his body craved rest. Wilbur chose to ignore it, there wasn’t much use anyway. If he napped at this point he’d miss the job altogether, and he needed the cash. Bored, trying to distract himself, he pulled out his notepad and flipped to a fresh page as he rhythmically tapped the pencil against the paper, willing himself to focus his thoughts.

It felt strange to Wilbur to stare down at a blank page and not have anything to write. It was hard to describe how he felt, much less think of rhymes. So much was overwhelming his emotions and feelings, still, he tried to focus and scribble words across the page. Maybe if he wrote it all down, he’d feel better somehow - it always worked for him before. His notepad held all the times he was happy, all the times he was sad, upset, angry, confused… all hidden in words like a code only he could understand. It was the closest thing to a journal or diary that he owned, one of his most prized possessions.

Maybe it’ll comfort him now.

I’m struggling to breathe

Keep going

Protect her

Push forward

Wilbur looked down, his mouth turning down in distaste - this wasn’t exactly the lyrical poem that he usually formed. There was, as always, some truth in the words. It felt like he was ranting, almost. It didn’t make sense.

Everything will be okay

Wilbur’s eyebrows furrowed in thought at what he wrote. He was trying to reassure himself, but… it felt wrong.

Will everything be okay?

“Uh-oh, the notepad’s out,” Phil said jokingly from the doorway as he carried in what looked to be a large basket filled with the garden’s harvest - wheat, carrots, and potatoes. He quickly noticed Wilbur’s distress, his smirk quickly disappearing. “Wil? Wil what’s wrong?”

Wilbur sighed as he read the words staring up at him over and over. “Nothing really. Just a lot on my mind, I guess.”

“I see,” Phil said, not believing that for a second as he set the large basket down on the counter, methodically moving to store up the food. “You look tired.”

“I feel tired,” Wilbur said, finally closing the notepad as he let out a soft chuckle in the suffocatingly silent house. “Got a gig in an hour, though.”

“You need to sleep, Wil.” Phil scolded, his gaze stern.

Wilbur waved him off. “I’ve got a lot I need to do. It’s no problem, anyway - the club’s gonna close up in a few days, and then Jay said I might not get another job in at least a month while they restock for summer.” Phil gave him a look, hand on his hip as Wilbur held up both his hands in surrender. “I’ll get some better sleep then, I swear.”

“Good,” Phil said, his gaze softening as he turned back to the basket. “Are you heading to Melrose’s place tonight, or TBO?”

“Melrose. She needed me last minute to fill a half-hour slot, promised to pay double.” Wilbur said as he got up from the stool and stretched, heading over to grab a cup of lukewarm coffee that was left in the pot from the morning. Hey, coffee was coffee, and he needed to keep the sandman at bay - double pay was no joke, and with his earnings tonight he’d finally be able to get everything they needed for the new house and for the baby. He needed to go, and he had to do well.

“I hope she doesn’t expect to keep dragging you out last minute.”

“Hey, as long as it pays well-” Wilbur shot thoughtfully as he sipped his coffee. The two turned their attention as Technoblade entered the house, his weapons, and clothes covered in blood, a few of his kills on his shoulder. Phil grimaced. 

“Techno, I told you not to track blood in the house, go around to the back-!” The smell of rotting and decay, potent, filled the boy’s noses as they pinched them, trying to get rid of the scent. Technoblade silently turned around, going out the front door again. “You better shower and change before dinner, don’t forget!” Phil called as Techno simply waved his hand.

“Yeah, yeah…”

Wilbur quickly chugged the last of his coffee as he put the mug in the sink and quickly followed his older sibling. The night was cold as he pulled his jacket closer around him, walking around toward the back of the house. The sky was quickly turning dark as the day began to end, stars not quite appearing just yet. Techno sat over the two dead sheep he’d brought into the house earlier, the nasty musk somewhat masked by the cold wind. The pig hybrid was focused as he ran his blade along the belly of the kill, carving and cutting out sizable chunks of meat which he began to wrap in some jungle leaves for storage. Technoblade liked hunting, and no one could deny his skill, knowledge, and precision of it. He was patient and always waited for the right moment to strike, always hunted smaller game because he knew others were too big to carry back home. The prey always usually went down in one hit, and if that didn’t do the job Techno would usually hold the creature down while he made a quick jab toward the skull. He pig prided himself on his hunts, which provided the majority of their meat for meals ever since the town decided to enforce a livestock tax on the people to raise a little extra coin.

Setting the packages aside, Techno looked up to notice Wilbur staring at him silently. “Uh, hey Wil. Whaddya need?”

“Can’t I just check on my sweet older brother?” Wilbur smirked, and Techno huffed, amused.

“You can, but you and I both know you don’t.” Technoblade joked as he walked past him, heading toward the river with Wilbur close behind, grabbing a cloth and his bloodied weapons along the way. The pig hybrid took a breath as he turned to look at his brother. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing important, really,” Wilbur said. “I’ve just been worried, I guess.”

“About Sally?” Technoblade asked, kneeling down beside the river beginning to scrub his weapons clean. “Don’t tell me you’ve been reading those parenting books again, I’m telling you they’re shit-”

“I’m worried about myself.” Technoblade’s eyebrows shot up as he looked at his brother, slightly shocked at the intensity in his voice as he sat next to him by the riverbank. Wilbur took a deep breath as he tried to release the stress from his mind, looking into the clear running waters. “What if I mess up, or… or I can’t be a good father? What if I’m the one who’s not ready, you know?”

“This has all been your decision, Wilbur. Your life. I can’t tell you that everything will be sunshine and rainbows because to be completely honest Wil, I don’t know.” Technoblade said honestly, moving to place his clean sword on the grass and moving to grab his axe. “But I don’t think you should be worrying so much about the future. Live in the moment, in the now. If things go bad, you’ll know what to do Wilbur. Trust yourself.”

“But what if I-?”

“Nope. No more worrying.” Technoblade said, cutting off his brother. “Just focus on right now, and as cheesy as it is, have a bit of hope.”

“When did you get so philosophical?”

“I’m wise beyond my minutes, young one,” Technoblade smirked as Wilbur laughed. Techno began to wipe off his face and neck of blood, rinsing the cloth in the river as he went. 

“Do you have any parenting wisdom to place upon me?” Wilbur asked, half-joking.

“I mean, It’s not really my department. Kids aren’t really… they’re not my thing.” Technoblade said with a little shrug of his shoulders. “But if I had any advice to give you, it would be that if you have the same patience and love Phil had for us, I think you’ll do just fine.”

Patience and Love. Live in the moment. Trust yourself. His worries seemed to melt and dull in his mind, and he felt a lot better than he did earlier. “Thanks, Technoblade.”

Technoblade just saluted his two index fingers with a smile before moving to get up, ruffling Wilbur’s hair. “Be good to the little scamp, this family’s already crazy enough.”

-----------------------------------

Wilbur zipped up his guitar case as he grabbed his keys and the small bag of coins. Looking out the window, he could see the nightclubs and bars, restaurants and torched streetlamps slowly flicker to life, glowing against the dark sky. Like a whole new town lying just beneath the surface, revealed in the darkness. Sally walked over with his gloves and scarf, a gentle sad smile on her face as Wilbur took the wool gloves and pulled them on.

“Every time you leave, I miss you just a little more.” Sally said, wrapping the scarf around Wilbur’s neck and folding it neatly in front. “Do you have to go?” Wilbur warmly smiled as he gently cupped her cheek.

“You know I’ll never be far, my salmon.” He kissed her forehead tenderly as he brushed a bit of stray hair behind her ear. “You’ll close your eyes and when you wake up I’ll be right by your side, you’ll barely even notice I left.” Sally leaned in closer as Wilbur wrapped his arms around her comfortingly, his chin resting gently on her head. As they pulled away Sally’s eyes looked up to his, a worry and fear behind her gaze that seized Wilbur’s heart.

“Promise you’ll be safe?”

“When am I ever not safe?” Wilbur asked, leading Sally to cross her arms and look at him with a slight pout that made Wilbur laugh. “Okay, okay. I promise.”

With one final goodbye kiss, Wilbur shut the bedroom door behind him again, walking downstairs. He noticed Tommy sat on the couch, head in his hands and his blonde hair messed. He looked over to his younger brother, gently propping up his guitar against the stair railings. “It’s late, what are you doing up?”

“Nightmare.” Tommy mumbled, slightly sleepily.

“Do you... wanna talk about it-?”

“I’m not seven anymore, Wil. It was just a stupid nightmare, I can handle it on my own.”

Wilbur was quiet for a moment, processing what Tommy said, how he snapped at him. He sighed before looking over to meet the teen’s eyes. “If you’re sure you’re alright…?” Tommy nodded before Wilbur pulled him into a small hug, Tommy’s hand held onto his arms around him in comfort as he smiled slightly despite his current state.

“Heh. Thanks, Wil.”

“That’s what big brothers are for, right?” Wilbur smiled as he pulled away. “Don’t stay up too late, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I guess I’ll be off.” Wilbur said, getting up from the couch to grab his guitar once more, throwing the straps over his shoulders. “That gig won’t play itself.”

“Good luck, Wil.” Tommy called before Wilbur turned, his heart warm and happy, giving him a smile and thanking him before taking his leave into the cold night air.

------------------------------------------------

“Thank you, you’ve been an amazing audience!” Wilbur said as cheers erupted from around the pub. Moving off the stool, he grabbed his guitar by the neck and sauntered offstage, feeling happy with his performance. Within 30 minutes he managed to squeeze in four songs, which to his delight the crowd seemed to enjoy - at Melrose the tap was never empty, and as such the crowd was easily angered by the slightest things, or even nothing at all. The only somewhat mishap during his slot was when a bit of beer had splashed against his clothes thanks to a patron who had a little too much. They were quickly shown the door and the night resumed its somewhat peaceful pleasure.

He walked up to the bar and sat in the corner with his guitar, watching the next musician take the stage - it looked like a band from the amount of people. Wilbur knew he wouldn’t get paid in full until the end of the night after each performance was done, Melrose wanted to make sure they held up their end of the bargain instead of running off what the money. He had at least another hour in here before closing.

“Are you drinking or not?” Wilbur looked up to the bartender as he stared down at him, expecting some kind of response. He wasn’t exactly a big drinker, quite the opposite - the only times he’s ever drank were with Phil and Sally. Sally, once when they were both eighteen just to try it out - he winced remembering the monster hangover the morning after. Phil around a year ago when he turned twenty-one and they both shared a few beers together in celebration. Both times he’d gotten tipsy pretty easily, either because he wasn’t exactly used to drinking yet or because he was a natural lightweight, who knows. Either way, he wasn’t exactly going to risk getting drunk right now.

“Uhm, I’ll have a club soda, thanks.”

The bartender gave him a once-over, put off by his request before slightly shrugging his shoulders. “Suit yourself, buddy.”

“Alright, we’re Black Rose and we hope you enjoy the set! This first song is called ‘Sleepless’.” A guy spoke into the microphone, turning to his friends with a smile before counting them in as the music began to blast through the pub. It was a nice tune, and Wilbur found his foot unconsciously tapping along with the music. He closed his eyes and let the sound fill his ears as they began to sing the chorus. It felt right. There was a kind of emotional distress behind the singer's voice, in the twinge of his tone or in a voice crack or two that almost felt like magic.

“And I’m not going blind, I just keep falling, falling behind; 

Time goes slow and fast, my heart’s pumping and my head has crashed; 

Sit in silence and pretend like your demons are your friends; 

Your thoughts are racing while you’re pacing, it’s all in your mind, sleepless~!”

“Hey Wil, you got a minute?” Wilbur jolted back at how close the voice was, as he looked over to see none other than Melrose - her blonde hair flowed down her back messily with a ruby red dress that complimented her blue eyes. She pursed her lips into a line, a signal she was thinking as her pen tapped against the clipboard in her hand. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s, uh, it’s fine. What’s up, Mel? Hope my performance was up to par.”

Her lips formed back to a comfortable smirk. “Performance was great as always, Wilbur. You never cease to please.” Her eyes turned down toward her clipboard. “Though I’m afraid I can’t say the same for everybody. Tips came up a little short thanks to a few blanks, I’ve got to decrease your pay for tonight.”

Wilbur’s eyebrows furrowed. “Mel, you promised.”

“Look, Wil I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do.” Melrose let out a sigh, rubbing her temple in frustration. “I’m barely making enough to pay as is.”

As she turned to leave, Wilbur quickly grabbed her wrist to stop her. “Mel, you don’t understand, I need the cash.”

Melrose sighed, rolling her eyes. “Don’t we all.” She snapped slightly, yanking back her arm. “I told you I can’t do anything-”

“Rosie, come quick!” One of the bodyguards interrupted as he approached with a sword slung over his back. “Charlie’s getting wasted in the back, someone gave him vodka…”

“Goddammit, not again. Can’t that bastard ever get sober?” She huffed, giving Wilbur one last look before slipping back into the crowd. Fuck. Well, there goes a whole extra gig’s pay - with the pub’s restock he won’t be able to pay off everything now even if he had work twice each week...dammit. The due date was in April, he still had time. He could probably get another job while the pub’s down, he’ll have to check the town bulletin on his way home later. He turned back to his club soda, letting out a defeated sigh.

Guess I’ll be away from home more than I thought. 

A scream from outside quickly tore Wilbur from his thoughts as he turned toward the sound.

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Philza was a light sleeper. Being on the road and sleeping the wilderness had always made him jump at the slightest hint of danger, a sort of survival instinct that developed. It only increased when Techno and Wilbur came around, for the first time in his life he had someone else to protect and look out for than just himself, more he could lose. He guessed that’s why he jumped the gun a bit at teaching them how to fight so early - If he couldn’t be there in time, he wanted for them to be able to protect themselves. Even so, his instincts from way back then never stopped, which was most likely why the head of the family was awake now.

Muffled sounds came from below him, shuffling. Something was here, and whatever it was it wasn’t good. His heart beat quicker as adrenaline rushed into his veins. He grabbed his sword, leaned against the wall, and crept down the hallway silently. It was dark in the house, he could barely see a few feet in front of him as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He couldn’t hear the noise anymore, which only heightened his senses as his heart beat faster.

Then, a groan which sent him backing up - that was much, much closer than before. Suddenly, he bumped into something that grabbed his arm and without thinking he swept his feet under whatever it was, sending them to the floor. “Ugh… hey to you too, Phil.”

He looked down and noticed his oldest moving to stand back up from where he fell against the floorboards, rubbing the back of his head. “Techno…?” He asked before quickly helping him up. “What are you doing, you scared me!”

“I was checking out the noise, same as you.” Technoblade said before readjusting his grip on his own sword. “Remind me to never spar with you when you’re in attack mode.”

“Will do.” Phil smirked. Both quickly tensed as they heard shuffling and groaning from down below, clear enough for the two to recognize the noise instantly. They looked to each other, eyes wide. Zombies. Where there’s one there’s bound to be more around in minutes. “Get Tubbo and Tommy, I’ll get Sally.” Technoblade nodded before turning and rushing off behind Phil as he rushed toward the end of the hallway, toward Sally and Wilbur’s room. Phil didn’t know how they managed to have a breach in the walls, but however it occurred it meant one thing - the next ten minutes were the difference between life and death.

He entered the room to see one of the rotting creatures standing over the shifter, who decked it clean across the face, her ears scanning her surroundings, green goop covering her hand. She turned to face Phil, who rushed forward and pushed his blade through the zombies’ skull, killing it for good. Both panted heavily as Phil checked her over, worried. “Are you okay, did it bite you?”

“No, no. I’m good.” Sally reassured him as she looked around the room. “Where’s Wil?”

“I...I don’t know, but... I’m sure he’s safe, wherever he is.” Phil said, trying his best to push his own worries out of his mind.

“Wait, he’s not back yet?” Sally’s eyes grew wide at the realization as her body tensed in worry. “He’s out there, with… with…”

“Wilbur knows how to handle himself.” Phil reassured her, worry growing in the back of his head and forming an uncomfortable spot in his stsomach. “For now we need to be more worried about ourselves - If we’re going to survive until morning we need to barricade the house, and fast.” Phil said, grabbing her by the wrist as they rushed back out into the hallway, Phil chopping another zombie’s head clean off its skull as they rushed past it toward the stairs. He could see Tommy and Tubbo wielding their swords as they tore through zombie after zombie in the living room, somehow making it into a sort of game as they smiled and laughed. Technoblade, on the other hand, moved chairs and tables against the two doors to block them watching his back as a zombie stauntered toward him, and he swept his legs under the creature and quickly curb stomped its skull, slimy green goo flowing into the wooden floor. Phil tossed Sally an axe that she caught quickly, feeling the weight in her hands and happy to have a weapon. “Clear out the ones inside.”

“Got it.”

Tommy jumped from the couch onto a tall zombie, piercing it through the chest and pinning it with his sword to a nearby wall. “Ha! Top that, idiot!” He shouted trumphantly toward Tubbo, who’s eyes lit up competitively as he attempted to hack a nearby zombie in half and managed to get his sword stuck.

“Uhm…”

Sally rushed in, ignoring the tender soreness in her tired body as she hacked the zombie’s head clean off with her axe as its body slumped to the floor. Quickly and effortlessly, she pulled out the lodged weapon and handed it to Tubbo. “Be more careful, yeah?”

“Uh… yeah, yeah…” Tubbo said sheepishly as he took his weapon back and Sally rushed to finish off Tommy’s pinned zombie. With a few strikes, it was down. Tommy grabbed his sword to get it free, tugging harshly to no avail. He got more anxious with each tug as Sally faceplamed.

“You stupid-” She muttered, handing him her axe. “Finish off the last two with Tubbo, and try not to lose another weapon, okay?” Tommy huffed in slight protest before Sally gave him a look and he rolled his eyes, taking the weapon and running off.

“I don’t think it’s gonna hold!” Technoblade yelled as he threw his back against the door, pushing it closed against what must have been around twenty zombies pushing and trying to get in with any means necessary. Sally looked over to Phil, who looked around frantically, trying to think of a plan, any plan at all. “Phil?”

“Phil, what do we-?”

A loud crash erupted - a broken window. Danger. Phil’s grip tightened on his sword as he began to shout orders. “Tommy, Tubbo, hold the back door NOW! Sally, stay behind me.” Phil’s tone was tense and sharp, and the two teen boys rushed like mice to do as he asked. “We just need a little more time, it’s gotta hold a little longer…” At this point, he was hoping for some kind of miracle. This wasn’t just a regular breach - this was a massacre. Rushing forward, he pushed the shadow in the dim light down to the floor, and quickly raised his axe to bring it down when-

“Wait wait wait-! I’m not one of them!”

Phil’s eyes squinted in the light to find… Wilbur. He looked like a mess, his clothes torn and ripped with green slimy goo staining the fabric. Phil’s eyes watered in relief as he quickly pulled his son in for a tight embrace, helping him up off the floor. “Thank god, don’t ever scare me like that again.”

“Good to see you too, Dad.” Wilbur smiled before the two let go, his eyebrows furrowed and his tone more serious. “These aren’t regular zombies, they’re stronger and more resilient. Last I checked they were taking down the square one house at a time, and from the looks of it most of them were not prepared for a visit.”

“...Fuck.” Phil cursed under his breath, his mind beginning to race once again. Did they have a chance?

“I ran as fast as I could to get here, I was so worried…” Wilbur said as Sally rushed forward to embrace him with a smile, running her hands down his face and through his hair, afraid she’d lose it again. Wilbur, in turn ran his hands down her arms, his smile brightening that it was real and alive and here-

“Good to see you’re not dead, Wil.” Tommy huffed against the door as the monsters on the other side growled and moaned, pushing their weight and strength against it. “But we have a bit of a situation here!”

“We need to get out of here.” Wilbur looked over to Phil. “If we stay any longer, we’ll be trapped. Once we’re out of here we can run into the forest to hide and wait out the horde.”

“But both exits-”

The two elder brothers looked at their father and answered at the same time in surprise. “The second floor window.” They turned to each other, sharing a brief smile. Technoblade looked over to Phil once more, his mind and heart racing as the voices in his head boomed louder, and he tried his best to ignore their shouts. 

“Look, it’s risky, I know, but we’ve gotta try. We don’t have time.” He winced and grunted as the zombies on the other side of the wall grew more violent in their animalistic attempts to break in. Phil looked at his family’s faces, hints of fear and uncertainty in their expressions. Tommy’s arm went to stop Tubbo from falling over at a particularly forceful blow, and as Tommy’s nerves increased he could see Tubbo holding his hand and giving it a squeeze. Technoblade’s heels dug into the wooden floor as chairs, tables and wooden boards began to splitter under the force of the creatures outside. Wilbur pressed a soft kiss to Sally’s forehead as Sally’s hand drifted to her stomach instinctively at this point, her eyes filled with nothing but worry. He knew this was crazy, but if it meant that there was a chance they’d be safe, he’d risk it.

“Alright. Wilbur, make sure the window’s open and we have a clear way down. Everyone else, get ready to run.”

----------------------------------------

Wilbur’s heart stopped as he saw the creature’s teeth sink into Phil’s neck as he let out a scream in agony. Shit, shit, shit… he didn’t know where they came from, they blocked the stairs as they ran up, why didn’t he see it?! The zombie that bit Phil fell to the ground with a thud as Phil’s own blood seeped down his shoulder and stained his shirt. Techno stilled as he made eye contact with his father, who looked sad, knowing his fate. “Phil, I’m so sorry, I-” Wilbur trembled, his hand reaching out toward Phil, not knowing what to do, what to say. Phil’s head shook back and forth slightly before pushing his sword into Wilbur’s hands.

“You two need to go. Now. Before you lose the chance.”

Technoblade was stone faced. “Phil, we’re not leaving you-”

“There’s no time to discuss this, I said GO-!” Phil shouted sternly before going into a coughing fit, holding himself steady against the wall. Wilbur stepped forward, wanting to grab his hand, help him before Phil recoiled. “Wil… Techno… you need to go, that’s an order.” Silence fell over the two brothers, not wanting to leave their father. “Look, they’re not going to attack me now but they will attack you, now MOVE IT!”

Shuffling and groans grew behind them as Phil winced, feeling the infection flow through his body. They needed to get out before he turned, they needed to live, he wanted them to live-

“But what about you?”

Phil looked over to his sons with a sad smile. “I think I’ve taught you both enough to know what happens now.” Suddenly it felt like all the air in the room vanished. “Now do me proud and show me what we do if someone gets bit. Show me what I’ve taught you.” Phil could feel himself getting lightheaded, he was going to pass out, but he couldn’t… not until they both were safe.

Wilbur didn’t know what to do as he looked to Techno then to Phil, who slowly lowered himself to the floor, his back leaning against the walls of the home he built for them. Techno’s fists tightened as he turned to face his brother. “Techno…?”

“Get somewhere safe, okay?” His voice was heavy, serious. “Promise me you’ll get somewhere safe.”

“I… I will, I promise.” Wilbur said, trying to look at his brother to see if he had any plan. “But what are we going to-?” Before he knew what was happening, Techno shoved him through the window, closing and locking it firmly behind him. Wilbur began to panic, realizing what Technoblade was doing and trying to find some kind of grip before he slipped off the roof and landed in the bushes, pain and bruises blossoming on his body. Tubbo helped him up off the ground as Tommy’s eyes looked up to the window, confused. 

“Where’s Phil and Tech?”

Tears pricked at the edges of Wilbur’s eyes as he felt his heart begin to throb without them here. Why, why why… Why did he stay? Why didn’t he let him stay? Why wasn’t he careful enough? It’s all his fault-

“Wil…?” Tommy’s voice wavered. “Where’s Technoblade and Phil?”

At that moment, Wilbur knew things changed forever. Phil and Techno were gone, they were gone and they were never coming back. He told Technoblade, he promised him that he’d get all of them somewhere safe, and with a heavy heart Wilbur knew it wasn’t here, not anymore. He wasn’t going to lose anyone else, he was going to protect them. He was going to protect all of them, if it was the last thing he’d ever do. That very moment what Techno said to him finally made sense.

‘If things go bad, you’ll know what to do, Wilbur.’

Right now, he wanted, more than anything in the world, to get them out of here. Tubbo and Tommy shared awkward glances as Wilbur took a deep breath for a moment, sniffling and wiping the tears from his eyes. Sally looked towards him concerned as Wilbur slid his hand into hers, looking towards his brothers with the same look and tone Phil had. 

“We need to go. Now.”

[kairibee]

Inspired by Chikai by Utada Hikaru, I decided to write a post-KH3 Sokai fanfic. This happens a couple years after the events of the game. Slight KH3 ending spoilers. I hope it somehow makes you feel better. :) Let’s make an oath to live together Pairing: Sora/Kairi Genre: Romance/Comfort Post-KH3 ff.net link: here A03 link: here

Kairi felt the warm breeze against her skin, the soft sand beneath her, the sound of waves filling her ears. The sun, once so high up in the sky, was nearing the edge of the water now, pink and orange hues painted delicately across the horizon. She had a pad of paper resting against her raised knees and pencil behind her ears. 

It seemed not too long ago that she had been adventuring with Sora and Riku across the worlds and, yet, it had been months - or, maybe at least a year now - since she had come back home.

The islands had always been to dear to Kairi, but lately she felt so enamored by the simplicity of the life they offered. Days were long, hot, and humid, and the sun shone down splendidly most days; other days, rain poured and flooded the roads.

Today had been scorching. Kairi’s soft cotton pink dress stirred with the breeze. Her sandals lay ahead of her, discarded for the moment in the sand. She always spent the end of the day reflecting and putting her thoughts to paper.

Riku visited home often but his heart still took him to various worlds. Since he was a child, he had always dreamed of seeing the world for himself, and his adventurous spirit was still lively. Kairi smiled fondly, remembering the last time she had seen him. They had been visiting the play island together, sitting on the tree like they did as kids, and he told her about the escapades he and the King had gotten themselves involved in: visiting the Princesses of Heart, Aqua and the others; Twilight Town. 

Kairi liked to visit her other friends too, although it had been a while now since she last saw them. She liked getting to see Axel and surprising him with sea salt ice cream. His surprised grin, grateful eyes shining under the twilit sky.  

Things were so quiet nowadays.

Closer to the shore, Sora, Tidus, Wakka, and a few of the other townsfolk were carrying in fish they had caught in their nets earlier in the day. The boys - or perhaps they truly were men now - were ankle deep in the water, helping each other with the heavy load. 

Kairi had helped out earlier as well, collecting fruits with some of the other folk. She had sit down to rest only a few moments ago, sitting down to collect her thoughts like she did at the end of each day; with her paper and pencil handy. It helped her remember each day, writing it down. Each ordinary day was special to her.

“Kairi!”

Jolted from her thoughts, Kairi looked up and saw Sora walking towards her in the sand. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt, like he usually wore while doing physical labour. He had a smile on his face. Water was glistening off of his arms. When had she started noticing his muscles like that?

“Done for the day?” She smiled, looking up at him.

“Yep.” He sat down on the sand beside her, his arms going around his neck to stretch. “I’m beat!”

Kairi couldn’t help but let out a soft giggle. “Keyblade masters get tired wrangling a few fish?”

Sora groaned, “gimme a break, Kairi.” Glancing at her, he saw the pencil tucked behind her ear and chuckled. “Hey, what are you writing about anyway? I saw you looking my way earlier.”

Kairi felt the blush creep up in her cheeks. “I wasn’t.. looking...” 

When had Sora become this bold? He was no longer a fool to the power he had over her. Kairi couldn’t help but look down into her lap, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. She had been looking over at him earlier, while he was wrangling the fish with the others. The way his muscles extended and flexed. 

“Will you let me read what you wrote today?” He asked, looking over at her with a smile. 

Kairi looked up, meeting his gaze; his bright blue eyes shimmering. Her heart tightened in her chest. She couldn’t help but smile at his sincerity. “Mhm,” she said quietly, bringing her pad of paper close to her chest. She always read the letters she had written to him, and he in turn, always listened quietly in contemplation. She had written him so many throughout the years, while they had been apart.

Gazing at him, overcome with warmth and affection, and him the same, Kairi couldn’t help but wonder: when had everything become so simple?

All throughout dinner, Kairi was quiet. Her father and mother had guests over, and they chatted amongst themselves, laughter echoing throughout the large home. Her father, the mayor, was hosting some of the other town officials. They passed dishes, poured each other wine. Usually Kairi was more talkative but she was noticeably quiet and withdrawn the entire evening, and a few of the guests took notice. Kairi’s father allowed her to retire to her bedroom during dinner, despite slight objections from her mother. Her parents shared a concerned glance, as Kairi quietly left the table and retreated into the hallway. 

After walking quickly up the stairs, Kairi made her way through the long dark hall towards her bedroom. Turning the handle, she was greeted by the soft comfort of the evening sky pouring through her window. Kairi let out a deep sigh, closing the door behind her. The heaviness lifted from her and she sat down on her bed, back resting against her bedroom wall.

What had come over her all of a sudden? She had always felt burdened after dinner, as the skies grew darker in the evening. 

Selphie had come over earlier that evening, after Sora had walked her home. She had talked about Tidus and how she felt frustrated that he wasn’t spending as much time with her lately. Kairi asked why Selphie couldn’t just ask Tidus to hang out, and Selphie let out an angry pout. “It doesn’t work like that Kairi!” Kairi couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. Selphie always made things harder for herself. Now she was alone.

Clouds had formed outside since she had sat down for dinner.

Reflecting on her day further, Kairi couldn’t help but remember the feeling of Sora’s lips against her hand, as he said goodbye to her at her door. These days, he always walked her home, always said goodbye with a soft kiss on her hand. A shiver traveled throughout her body.

Kairi spent every day she could with Sora, like they did in their childhood. Helping out the townsfolk, rowing out to the play island like they used to, meeting with Riku the days he visited; trying to cherish ordinary islander life. For so many years they had been kept apart from this place, swept up in some destiny they could have never imagined when they were young.

Every single moment with Sora on the islands was a blessing. Watching him from afar as he worked, the feel of his rough hands against her own, how she couldn’t help but steal kisses from him when he smiled at her the way he often did. 

Those years she had been left alone on the islands, she wanted nothing more than to leave. Walking to and from school all alone, quietly retreating to her room. She must have felt a lot like Riku when he was younger: quiet and withdrawn; feeling disconnected and wanting nothing more than to leave the islands. Kairi had wanted to see other worlds like Riku did but she had always thought of the islands as her home. That was until Sora and Riku were taken from her, swept away by the currents of a heavy destiny, and she had to live the ordinary days without them. Alone.

Sora being here made the islands feel like home again.

Kairi’s gummiphone chimed brightly and lit up the dark room for a brief moment. She forgot she had left it on her bed earlier, before heading down for dinner. Even before picking it up, she knew it was a message from Sora.

I’m outside. 

Kairi quickly stood up, walked to the other side of her room and lifted up her bedroom window. Rain was just starting to fall now. Like déjà vu, Sora appeared in view, flashing her a bright smile, and fit right through her window. She closed it directly behind him, grabbing his hand softly, and guiding him over to her bed. His hands were warm. 

Sora was quiet, and in the dark she could just barely make out his features. He had changed clothing from earlier, now wearing a dark colored t-shirt and sweat pants. A soft smile adorned his face. 

Squeezing her hand before letting go, Sora took off his shoes and lay down beside her on her purple duvet. Kairi settled her head on his chest and draped her arm over his abdomen, lifting his t-shirt every so slightly to rest her hand directly against his skin. He always shivered when she did that. His arm rested underneath her. 

They did this every night they could. Some nights it was too difficult for Sora to sneak in because of her parents but on nights when the mayor had guests over, it was easier because they were distracted entertaining. Some nights she’d read her poems and letters to him, other nights they’d lay silently in the dark, sharing and reveling in the ordinary island life together. Every night that Kairi listened to the sound of his heart beating against his chest, was a gentle and warm reminder that Sora was there with her, and that they had both somehow found their way back to each other, after everything they had been through. 

Every ordinary day they spent together was a blessing. These past few months, for the first time in a long time, Kairi felt like she was truly home.

Tears fell from her eyes like they usually did on evenings like this, and she lifted herself up to kiss him softly in the dark, her hand cupping his cheek tenderly. 

Sora’s hands went around her back, pulling her closer against him as he responded to her lips touching his. His hands felt rough against her skin. 

Sora let out a small chuckle, pulling away for a moment to glance up at her. Kairi giggled softly in return, eyes still glistening with tears in the darkness. Each taking a moment to etch this memory into their hearts, before being swept up in each other’s presence, lips meeting again once more. 

She felt him there, solid against her. He didn’t disappear this time, didn’t slip through her fingers.

Every day that they were alive, every day that they could spend together, they would cherish.

Let's make an oath to live together.

[highroadsteve]

no feelings (pt. two) — t.h.

pairing: tom holland x reader

warnings: angst, language

requested: Hi, I recently found you and I am a big fan of your writing! I would like to request a tom holland imagine, like a part two to No Feelings? Maybe where Y/N finds happiness with someone else and Toms reaction? Just a thought :D

summary: you and tom were friends with benefits until he meets and fall in love with someone else

masterlist

part one

It’s been over two months since you had met Tom and Mariah, the four of you becoming so close that you have them sleep over at your apartment constantly. The days you hung out always included the most fun activities, from going to lunch together to going to different states for an adventure. Mariah quickly became your best friend, the toxic feelings of jealousy that inhabited your heart were completely replaced with warmth and love for the girl.

The two of you have already had the talk about Tom, Mariah being completely understanding. ‘There was a little crush involved, but it quickly went away’ you said. It was pretty obvious you were not going to mention the nights Tom was in your bed, or the mornings where you would wake up next to each other with the sheets covering your bare bodies. You chose to hide everything that intimately happened between the two of you, especially the poems he wrote you. You decided that their relationship was better off with Mariah thinking that Tom had written his feelings on a piece of paper exclusively for her. What she doesn’t know, won’t kill her.

Besides, you’ve begun your search to find a significant other, your loneliness becoming a burden as you sat through talks of dates and admiration for the boys’ girls. Harrison found himself one recently, her name was Juli and things were getting serious as they went on a couple of dates. Since the boys had their own people to be with, you found yourself coming home to an empty, quiet apartment and spending your days binge watching some uninteresting shows. You were starting to get tired of binge-watching, which was strange because you loved doing it.

So you decided to go out and meet new people. Well, technically not new people, you just started to be around people you weren’t around with before. Like one of your coworkers at your job that you hardly had conversations with, or an old friend from school that had moved to a city or two away. It was just casual hang outs at the bar or at a party, nothing serious.

This went on for a week or two until you finally met someone who you clicked with immediately. It was your coworker’s friend and you met him at a party. He was handsome, extremely handsome, and he found you beautiful so the dates were arranged pretty quickly after that.

You talked to him as if you’ve known him for years, his conversation starters were anything but boring. He didn’t judge you, he didn’t think you were strange for speaking your thoughts. He was completely infatuated with you, and you were with him.

A couple of months into the relationship, you finally decided to take him with you to a small vacation with the boys and their girls. The trip was planned a while ago, it was just to have a nice break before Tom and Harrison had to leave for the filming of Spiderman: Far From Home. The trip was going to be in Hawaii, all of you sharing connected hotel rooms.

You had taken your boyfriend, Josh, to your hangouts a couple times before but this time he is going on vacation with you all. Everyone was so psyched to have him go because they all see him as a genuine and caring person. Well, most of your friends. Tom, for some reason, hasn’t warmed up to him.

The group all went to your apartment so you could all leave at the same time. Josh had opened the door to your friends, greeting them all with an excited smile and helped them with anything they needed. He loved your friends so much, whenever you talked about your adventures together and the fun you’ve had, it made him feel glad that you have people in your life that makes you happy. And the relationship you have with him so far has been the best one, both of you having the most trust with each other. You were even able to tell him what had happened with Tom and he was a bit hesitant at first but he understood it was the past and you had moved on. So needless to say, Josh was going to stay in your life for a long time.

The six of you finally arrived to your hotel rooms after the flight, you and Josh collapsing on the bed, sighing. It wasn’t a long flight, just a little over five hours, but being cramped up in a chair does something to your wellbeing. So here you were, laying on the bed with your legs dangling off the edge, looking at the beautiful view from your room. Josh wrapped an arm around you, kissing your cheek repeatedly, causing you to giggle. He laughed and pressed one more kiss on your cheek before there was a knock on the door that connected your room to Tom and Mariah’s. You kissed him one more time and then went to go open the door.

“Oh hey Tom, what’s up?” You answered, seeing Tom with a bag in his hand. Josh yelled out a greeting and Tom gave him a small smile, returning his attention to you.

“I think this is your makeup bag, it was accidentally mixed in our luggage.” He handed you the bag and you smiled, thanking him and started to close the door.

“Oh also we are going to dinner in a bit so I suggest you get ready. Tell Haz and Juli.” You laughed and closed the door fully after thanking him. Doing as told, you knocked on Harrison and Juli’s door and informed them to get ready.

The dinner went smoothly, everyone getting to know Josh better and vice versa. Despite not knowing anyone very well other than you, he had plenty of things to say in a way that made the conversations keep flowing one after the other. He also wasn’t afraid to show everyone his love for you, whether it would be through his arm hanging loosely on your shoulder or the soft kisses he places on your temple every now and then. Your stomach would still fill up with butterflies every single time he touched you.

What you didn’t see was Tom. You didn’t see the frequent glances he was making every time he saw you move, or the way he purposefully was doing the same thing as Josh to get you to look at him the way he’s looking at you. He wanted you to be jealous, he wanted your attention. But you didn’t give it to him anymore. And it was expected, you don’t even notice him anymore like you used to, your heart belongs to someone else. Tom’s heart belonged to someone else too, but he was starting to think maybe that meant someone else other than Mariah.

After the dinner, the whole group headed out to the beach after a quick rest at the hotel room. The moonlight was shining on the water, giving the waves an appearance of the glimmering stars in the sky. You had gone to the restroom and then came back to empty chairs and a lonely Tom. Setting down your bag on your chair, you looked at him in confusion.

“Where is everyone?” You asked, looking around and not finding anyone anywhere. Tom leaned back in his chair and faced you.

“They went to get drinks, they’ll be back.” He responded and you nodded. You sat down in your chair and the both of you sat in silence. For the first time ever, you couldn’t think of what to say to one of your best friends. It felt a little awkward, and there was some tension which was strange.

“So, how do you like Ha—“

“I need to talk to y—“

The both of you talked at the same time and stopped immediately. You snap your head pretty quickly to see him, furrowing your eyebrows. He needed to talk, and you were starting to get a little nervous.

“Yeah dude, is everything okay?” You asked, sitting upright and shifting so you looked at him. He groaned, putting his face in his hands and rubbing his eyes harshly. He looked over at your figure and sighed.

“I think I have feelings for you.” You blinked three times, not thinking you heard him right. Is this Tom? Is this your best friend Tom, who you used to sleep with in order to get rid of your frustrations? Is this the Tom that ended things himself?

“I-um, what?” You stuttered, still not believing what he’s saying. There’s no way that he’s sober, he’s probably acting and trying to get a rise out of you. This can’t be real.

“I don’t know! I just...I can’t stand seeing you with him. Every time I do, I just feel jealous and hurt and I hate it.” He started rambling on, the blush on his face getting warmer by the minute, making him instantly regret what he was saying. You started to get a little angry, only because he’s acting selfish.

“Oh no Tom you can’t do that. You can’t just sit there and talk about how my relationship hurt your feelings. You can’t just talk about having feelings for me when you’re the one who ended things. You’re the one that found someone and left me there with my heart broken. I finally found someone who I like, and he likes me just as much. So just drop this bullshit.” Tom quickly looked up at you, his eyebrows furrowing a bit.

“You had feelings for me?” He asked and you rolled your eyes.

“I did.” You stated blankly, laying down on the chair and hugged your chest.

“I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t either.”

[tillmyheartheals]

the thing about move in day

dear me from the past, 

my mind has been all over the place since i moved into my dorm. obviously, starting college is a big change and a lot of new responsibilities, but that wasn’t my main concern - my motto since eighth grade has been, “only _ more years until i’m in university”. turning eighteen, living on my own, and making my own decisions opens up a whole world of possibilities, and it’s at this point that i realise just how much potential i have and just how much i’ve missed out on. i just got an email of my acceptance into the crisis counselor training i applied for this summer. reading the subject line of the notification presented a feeling i didn’t expect to feel - worry. i feel worry course through my body, head to toe. dread and worry. i rethink everything i’ve ever believed about myself, my entire life, all my choices. i am not good enough. i will never be enough. i don’t know why i haven’t been able to cry since i moved into my new home. i used to cry every single day back when i lived with my parents. it was my prison and so was my mind, but i knew in my heart that if i changed the exterior i would change on the inside too. i usually turn to poetry to make sense of my feelings. i feel bad because as a writer, i haven’t written in a couple months. the last poem i wrote, i wrote with fridge magnets, but it was actually quite nice. i can hear my fingers slamming onto my keyboard, clack clack clack, and it’s making me angrier than i should be. why am i angry? i should be sad. 

the last time i cried was seven days ago in the bed in the room i slept in for most of my life just like every week since i can remember face buried into pillows feeling so much feeling it all at once wishing my mother would stop trying to guilt me wishing anger wouldn't wash over me every time she spoke, seething

the morning after boxes on boxes, bags and bags rearview mirror crowded piled up high on the moving dolly move in day means i should feel something

i see my new home for the next year i think about the townhouse in the neighborhood the room i studied in with the view of the lake i think about why i can't feel anything

i check the faces of other students to see what they are feeling in the elevator, on the way up i feel my stomach drop i observe it with interest am i feeling a feeling? do others also feel nothing?

i open my door and see my once-hospital room now-dorm i look out my windows and clean my floors i concentrate on my breathing

i lay new blankets on my bed i hang art on my wall i set out supplies on my desk i arrange books on my shelf i feel a connection with each thing

my mother packed a homemade meal my parents sit beside me in the park as we eat my mother hugs me long her nose goes red but she reminds me that i need to focus on my studies my father pats my back and wishes me good luck the last time he looked me in the eye was five years ago   i can't feel a single thing

i see my new home for the next year looming building, windows alit, students walking around i know why i could not feel a thing

i have never known home

now i feel something

— yours, xx, thamburatti 

[screamingtofu]

guess what buddy??? do all of them. from the one you reblogged from me

I should’veexpected that, but I’m a weenie. I’d already answered a couple of them but Ican’t think of a better use of my afternoon at work so let’s do this thing.

1.Do youwant a boyfriend or girlfriend?

I dunno, I’mstill getting used to the whole being asexual thing and am just not a fan oftouching in general. I would love the shit out of new friends though. Neverturn down the opportunity to make friends.

2.When didyour last hug take place?

Maybe amonth or two ago, housemate was going through a tough time with his most recentex and I think it was just like a floodgate had broken in him and it physicallyhurt me to not comfort him and I knew there wasn’t anything I could say to makehim feel better … So I hugged the shit out of him.

3.Are you ajealous person?

A coupleyears ago, yeah I was pretty bad. Then I started figuring shit out about myselfand I’m a lot more chill now.

4.Are youtired right now?

Combinationof poor sleeping habits and a near constant level of stress has left me lookinglike I have two black eyes. We had some corporate pictures taken last year andI looked fucking alien after they’d photoshopped them out.

6.Have youever been called a tease?

I don’tthink so, at least not in the way I think this question is supposed to betaken.

7.Have youever been awake for 48 hours straight?

I have. A coupleof years ago I wrecked my back and ended up not being able to move for maybe aweek or two without excruciating pain and because I tend to wriggle around inmy sleep you can bet your arse that didn’t happen. I ended up watching a lot ofvery bad movies on Netflix and shaving my head due to delirium.

8.Do you cryeasily?

No. I am anemotional fortress except when it’s someone elses pain. Then I’ll cry myfucking eyes out.

9.Whatshould you be doing right now?

I’mliterally at work, surrounded by developers and one very annoying sales personfrom interstate. There are so many things I should be doing right not. But I’malso here for 2 hours after everyone leaves so I get a chance to rocket througheverything without distraction.

10.Are you aheavy sleeper?

If I amtired enough, satan himself cannot awaken me.

11.Do youthink you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

I amentirely unsure. It would depend on what the other person wanted out of therelationship. If it was a completely non sexual relationship than hell yeah. Superfriendship, technically I’ve been doing that for the past 5 years since I movedto Melbourne.

12.Are youmad at someone right now?

Nah, I neverreally get mad at people. I got better things to waste my very tiny well ofemotions on.

13.Do youbelieve in love?

Hell yeah.Love is super rad and I’m glad I’m finally getting to express that for people.

15.Who wasthe last person you talked to?

IT Managerat work. We’re trying to figure out why the mail server is not sendingautomated emails anymore. Also he’s bugging me to bring some of my xbone gamesin for the console they’re hooking up in the office.

16.Do youget butterflies around the person you like?

No? But thenI’ve never really experienced the whole thing where you see someone and feelnervous. Either I’m hanging out with people I’m already comfortable with or I’mmeeting new possible friends. There is no in between.

17.Will youget married?

Unless itwas for some kind of tax benefit … eh probably not.

19.Doesanyone like you?

I have noidea. Sometimes when I go out with friends, they’ll say something afterwardsabout how so and so was trying to flirt with me and I have to really thinkbecause fuck I thought they just really wanted some nachos or something.

20.Do yousecretly like someone?

Not in theway this question is thinking.

21.Who wasthe first person you talked to today?

My Manager,big bearded Englishman named Rob who likes to shitstir almost as much as I do.He’d called me over to try and look into why something was duplicating and alsoto confirm if we could charge a client $10,000 for something.

22.Who doyou feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Housemate,but I’m always open for conversation.

23.What areyou NOT looking forward to?

Trying toget in shape so I don’t die in the next 5 years.

24.What AREyou looking forward to?

Getting asweet robot body because I lived that far. Also when people start talking aboutsomething they’re really passionate about, I live for those moments.

25.Hassomeone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

Probably?All my partners were great people and there was always a connection there. So I’dassume it was genuine.

26.Supposeyou see your ex kissing another person what would you do?

Think “goodfor you” and then keep going unless they wanted to catch up.

27.Do youplan on moving out within the next year?

Nah, myhouse is awesome. Needs some repairs, but it’s great.

28.Are you aforgiving person?

I try to be.I used to be really angry and confused about a lot of stuff, but as I’ve gottenolder I’ve realised that holding onto grudges is just draining and you getnothing out of it.

29.How manyTRUE friends do you have?

How the crapdo I qualify a true friend? Like, do I know they physically exist and have seenthem with my own eyes? I dunno 10?

30.Do youfall for people easily?

I genuinelyhave no idea how to answer this.

31.Have youever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

Here’s apoem I wrote after people were getting defensive because I didn’t want to fuckany of the characters from Mass Effect.

I will notfuck them out in space, I will not fuck them based on race.

I will notfuck them here or there, I will not fuck them anywhere.

I will notfuck them in a bed, I will not fuck them like I said.

It’s nothingpersonal for you see, my dude = asexuality

32.What’sthe last thing you put in your mouth?

Waterbottle, gotta love me some o that delicious h20

33.Who wasthe last person you drove with?

Last personI was in a car with was an Uber driver. I was her 4th ever pick up.She was cool, we basically talked about Orange is the New black the whole wayhome and other stuff to watch on Netflix.

34.How latedid you stay up last night and why?

Like 1AM.Was chatting with a friend about the latest episode of critical role they’dfinished and they were feeling things.

35.If youcould move somewhere else, would you?

Nah, I’mgood where I am.

36.Who wasthe last person you took a picture of?

Besides thestupid selfies I occasionally take, I think it was a cricket player on abillboard who I thought looked like someone made a wax version of Ryan Reynoldsand left him out in the sun

37.Can youlive a day without TV?

Yeah sure,that’s one of the reasons I took up knitting.

38.When wasthe last time you were extremely disappointed?

Mid Novemberlast year, Paul Dini, the dude who helped create the animated batman series wasgiving a talk in the city and I completely spaced on getting a ticket. Would’vebeen great to meet him and hear him talk about writing.

41.What isyour all-time favorite romance movie?

I dunno.Maybe Porco Rosso. Helps you learn that sometimes you just need to say nobecause people are shit.

42.Do youbelieve that everyone has a soul-mate?

Yeah, Iguess. I think there’s someone out there who you just click with. Sometimes there’smore than one, you just need to keep looking.

43.What’syour current problem?

The clutchon my bike will occasionally not come in all the way when I’m trying to go fromfirst to second and gets stuck in neutral so I need to completely let it go andthen reengage. Drives me nuts.

44.Have youever had your heart broken?

Nah, I’m toomuch of a weenie and try to reconcile all my relationships.

45.Yourthoughts of long distance relationships?

I think they’relessened with the internet and social media because you can still talk soeasily and while I don’t have the whole “I miss being physically around you”thing I can understand it would be hard to continue with the shade of someonethat comes from a long distance relationship because there’s so much you wouldmiss.

46.How manykids do you want to have?

Not a fan ofthe whole baby making thing, wouldn’t mind adopting 1 or 2 if I ever had thechance though.

47.Have youever found it hard to tell someone you like them?

Nah, Ialways went for friend level first and then because of things I never reallyunderstood at the time just ended up going on dates that I thought were justlike friends hanging out and then things happen and I end up going out on moredates and then things happen. *shrugs*