#besides i think a series about grief and loss and coming to terms with death would have been interesting

[thehapless-writer]

What is a writer, if not first, a person adept at the art of mixing lies and truths together?

I’m going to attempt to blend a series of lies in with a few truths, and I need you to listen:

I used to live on a street with not many twists and turns in it, and my childhood home—the first house I ever knew, was right next to a brothel. Back then, this was normal; not one really batted an eye— not that I remember anyway. (Truth or lie?)

My childhood home isn’t the focus here, and neither is the brothel or the women who lived in it, surprisingly.

Further down the street where my childhood home was, was a large house at the end of the road—this is where the story starts; pay attention.

During the summer holidays, a group of middle schoolers would gather to hunt butterflies and give them to a man who took them, in exchange for sweets and pocket change. (Truth or lie?)

He was a collector; displayed the poor things’ wings on the walls behind a glass casing in his fancy house, and they were his pride and joy.

I went along with the kids around my age, not because I liked to look at the displays or because I liked bugs, but because I’d wanted to know what happened to a butterfly after its wings had been ripped off.

I never did quite find out, though.

He carried out the deed in an out of bounds office after we’d all left, and the next day, the new wings would have joined the others up on the wall.

‘Art comes in different forms,’ he used to say. ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and anything worth being called beautiful is worth being displayed.’

(Truth or lie?)

He never spoke about the living things whose entire lives he’d upturned, so eventually, I assumed what everybody most likely knew already: to take a butterfly’s wings from it, is to take its life.

My family moved away from that street years later, and I don’t know what ever happened to that man or his collection, but I do agree with one thing: beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and therefore, art can be defined by many terms.

Often, artists are but the same class of people: the consumed, the fervent, the mediums possessed by their craft.

Most artists are liable to die at least twice in their lifetime. the loss of our hunger and drive is the first death:

A painter who cannot paint—a tragedy.

A dancer whose legs no longer hold up against the frenzy of their movements—hollow.

A composer whose twisted, clumsy fingers can barely hold a pen, much less play across the keys of a piano—woe.

Dead, dead, and dead.

My hands can hardly keep up with the rushing torrents of words desperate to leave me, and yet there’s nothing I can do besides slowly try to help them exist in the pages they scramble to appear onto.

I cannot sit still and do nothing— if I did, they would eat me alive.

God, in his wisdom and mercy allowed me to choose this compulsion to throw myself into.

He did not make me a dancer, only to take my legs away, and he did not make me a painter only to take my hands away— he must have known surely, that I would’ve killed myself in either of those instances.

If you’re careful enough, butterflies don’t always die when you pluck their wings, so I like to think that’s what he did instead. With careful, deliberate hands, he grabbed his pair of world-altering tweezers and carved off the things that would’ve helped me fly.

In my grief and bitterness, I can liken god to the image of the collector in his big house at the end of the street

And I can speculate over what he did to the butterflies afterwards—are my wings still intact somewhere? are they safely tucked behind a glass screen where no one can touch or harm them? are you watching me as I flail and crawl uselessly around without them?—

I can imagine and speculate on the amount of cold pleasure men like that derive from watching a flightless creature mourn the loss of its wings, and I can pray and beg all I want, but at the end of the day, I will remember:

the story I told of the butterfly collector was a lie; the musings of a weaver who can just barely cobble together a tale.

God, just like the entity from my childhood, never existed. He did not take my wings away because I never had any to begin with.

the truth: all I am is another broken writer trying not to be devoured by my craft and what little of it I have access to.

the truth: there were never any butterflies.

the truth: I am not a butterfly, but I do wish I was a caterpillar with my whole future still ahead of me, with a cocoon to enter and break down into, so I could undergo my metamorphosis.

th-w; ‘There Is No Metamorphosis Here’

[let-tyrants-fear]

this may be unpopular, but i think the series would have been a lot better if aaron had just stayed dead. 

.

let me explain. it’s not that i don’t like aaron, it’s just that the whole resurrection arc ruins all the character development of the first three books. 

for the first half of the series, there’s a lot of anxiety about whether or not call will turn into an Evil Overlord, and despite how much the characters worry about it, we as readers never truly doubt that call is a good person. he doesn’t want to be evil, and he has the chance to be better, and we trust that although he might screw up sometimes, he will ultimately make good choices.

throughout the first few books, we sort of know that constantine’s misdeeds were fueled by the death of his brother, and then in the bronze key, alma confirms this when she tells them that jericho died because joseph wanted constantine committed to the cause. constantine didn’t want to be evil at first either, but then jericho died, and it was enough to tip constantine over the edge. 

then in the same book, aaron dies, and call loses his counterweight, and suddenly he has never been so close to constantine. they’ve both lost their closest friends, their counterweights, and they both feel like their grief will swallow them whole. 

aaron dies, and call says he finally understands how constantine madden could have wanted to tear the world down. 

and this is when we actually begin to worry. the idea that call will turn into an Evil Overlord isn’t so impossible now. it’s right there in front of him. 

so this is the moment of truth, right? this is when we finally find out whether it actually makes any difference if call has constantine’s soul or not. but instead of an exploration of grief and a ponderous insight into the nature of good and evil, we get...the last two books. 

it’s not that call tries to bring aaron back. that’s something that i think everyone who has lost someone contemplates, it’s understandable. it’s grief. it’s human. and it’s not like call is trying to be evil, he just wants his friend back.

it’s not even that call brings him back, but wrong. that was horrifying, but it was interesting. we know call makes mistakes, and that’s part of what makes him so compelling as a protagonist and narrator. how do you know what the right thing is when everything feels wrong. 

and with call in particular, these actions open an interesting channel for discussion. how does he do this? how does he feel about this? he’s been insisting that he’s different from constantine, but this is dangerously familiar territory, so how does he justify this?

but after call brings back aaron in tsm, he has to confront what he’s done. jasper’s horrified, tamara’s horrified, and aaron is fundamentally off somehow. call has to face the fact that he has made a mistake, that it would be better for everyone - including aaron - especially aaron - if he had left it alone and let aaron remain dead.  

and that sort of happens at the end of the silver mask, but then you have aaron in call’s head, and then you have the golden tower, and then you have aaron resurrected in alex’s body. and ignoring the inherent creepiness of aaron-in-alex’s-body, that is a terrible way to end your story about the nature of good and evil and the irreversibility of death. 

like, i just. i can’t even begin to express how wrong it is. 

for the entire series, call wants nothing more than to prove that he is not constantine madden. that he can make his own decisions, that he is his own person, that he is a good person. but the ultimate climax of the series shows call succeeding where constantine failed. 

in the iron trial, call jokes that being the enemy of death doesn’t sound that bad because it’s not like death is so great. tamara immediately sets him straight, tells him that the enemy was evil because he tried to conquer death, and the message there is pretty clear: no human should be able to control death. for the final books to turn on the series’ thesis statement like that is...jarring, to say the least. 

i think we were all hoping for a series that told us: evil is not inherent, good is a choice that anyone can make. but instead we got: you cannot escape what you are, all the atrocities that constantine committed were worth it because they allowed call to raise aaron from the dead.

so yeah. aaron should have stayed dead. 

[dragynkeep]

Hi! I think it was your post about how summer should have died not long before the series begins? Because i live for the idea! I never had an idol besides my mum and i was always very close to her. One of the toughest lessons as a kid was to learn that your mum isnt perfect and will do wrong (my mum is a badass so for me she was perfect heh). I would have loved Ruby growing up with Summer and idolizing her but then she dies and Ruby meets more people who knew her and they have a wastly different opinion about her mum and she just want to figure out her feelings. And also! I would liked Ruby to have this inner conflict of: i am going against my mums wishes who i love dearly and respect with becoming a huntress, she gave her life so i wouldnt have to fight but now i am doing it anyway because it is my dream... But we never getting that i guess...

it was! summer dying closer to the beginning of the start of the show rather than when ruby & yang were children just seems to make far more sense in regards to not only facets of the storyline but the overall vibe in general.

red like roses part two makes more sense if summer had taken this mission against the protests of her family & once she dies, she leaves ruby feeling slighted & upset in her grief.

yang being spurred on to finally track down raven & taiyang keeping tight lipped about it makes sense if the motivating factor is because she lost the mother she always had.

qrow’s uptick in drinking & reckless behaviour & his subsequent storyline of losing faith in ozpin & feeling used being spurred on by summer’s seemingly “pointless” death & his grief over that.

the very real threat of salem wanting to take down the silver eyes / use them for grimm experiments comes ever closer to ruby when we figure out summer’s disappearance at the beginning of the show was because of this; not a random decade gap between summer disappearing & then salem deciding to ramp up again.

raven feeling the loss of that soul tie with summer as she can’t “portal” to her, thus strengthening her ideal that she’d made the right decision all those years ago & having her confrontation with yang be far more impressive in terms of them both feeling the loss of summer.

maria coming out of hiding because her correspondence with summer had ended so she had sought out ruby specifically instead of it being happenstance.

also bonus : tyrian / hazel being the one to capture / kill summer & then coming face to face with ruby, yang & qrow making those much more impactful. we know they were tasked with decimating the huntsmen in mistral anyways so would it be so hard to believe they had something to do with it?

& finally, if summer’s mission was actually clarified as her being tasked to go out & figure out what’s been happening to the silver eyed warriors. it doesn’t make sense that ozpin would just let these valued people exist in the cities without keeping tabs on them, much like he had done with those who became maidens; so once they started disappearing, of course summer would be the one to send out as one of his most experienced.

most of all, it helps us avoid summer literally existing as the deified dead mom trope. there is nothing to her in the story at the current point beyond that she was a great mom, huntress, & she liked to bake cookies. & after nearly a decade, that is pathetic. especially for an important figure to not only the lore, but two of the main characters.

[yourmidnightlover]

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

-

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

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[characteroulette]

well all rightie then, it’s time to analyse how DGS1 handles grief really well in my opinion

(once again, spoilers for all of DGS1)

(also some spoilers for the original trilogy games) (and a little of DGS2)

okay So my thesis statement here is that Asougi’s character in DGS1 is the vessel through which Ryuunosuke and Susato’s grief is explained. Everything about how they relate to Asougi is their dealing with their grief in a simple message: Loss hits hard, but you have to continue to live and love. Life Goes On, shaping that grief into yourself if you allow it.

We start off with Case 1 as our baseline. The set-up. It’s a routine to show what life is like for Ryuunosuke before tragedy. (Fitting for an AA protagonist to have their baseline of normal being accused of murder.) This case does a really, really good job of setting up Asougi as our friend, our partner, whom we might spend the rest of the game with.

(I mean, the death flag’s kinda obvious if you’re genre-savvy; the mentor must die so that the student may grow into their own. But Asougi’s so likeable! He’s confident, genuine with Ryuunosuke, comfortably teasing, and looks at you with the same eyes as Klavier. What’s not to love? Also that small hint of something deeper is so tantalising that for it to go unresolved is pretty unthinkable.)

It’s important for us to see how much Asougi means to Ryuunosuke, how much the two really are best friends. This set-up is pivotal to what happens next in Case 2: the drop.

The way Ryuunosuke reacts to learning about Asougi’s death is real. He tries to deny it at first, can’t bring himself to believe it. Especially since he’s been accused of the crime! But the moment he sees that photo of Asougi that Sherlock took, that’s where the truth of it hits and he can’t run from it anymore. All he can do is try to push past that biting grief to at least solve his friend’s murder and set things right.

Susato’s own grief is portrayed really well here, too. She’s so angered and clouded by it that she totally ignores the fact that Asougi and Ryuunosuke are best friends and believes Ryuunosuke to be the murderer. Really, she just blames Ryuunosuke because it’s easier that way, since the wound cuts just as deep for her.

What really strikes me, though, is how the whole case isn’t just a one-note misery. Like real life, the two slip into sadness when they remember their dear friend, but they’re still able to joke around. They still get upset or sarcastic or excited. Because, though their grief affects them immensely, the message is that life continues. It can’t just stop for them like it did for their friend; life goes on. Not out of malice, but out of necessity.

Also, the way Sherlock acknowledges their grief is pretty great. That felt hugely validating to me, how he tells them that their mourning is important and how his jovial, joking tone was never properly taking that into account. The way he continues breaking in at the end to lighten the mood, too, is his own genuine way of trying to help, exhausting though he may be. It’s appreciated, at the least, to keep us the players from breaking down into tears as the conclusion rolls with no real satisfaction at the mystery being solved.

That final conversation between Susato and Ryuunosuke, at least, is hugely cathartic to make up for that. It sounds like it should feel rushed, honestly, dealing with the majority of the grieving process in just Case 2, but it doesn’t at all. It seems properly healthy, like the two are doing their best by confiding and taking comfort in one another in order to celebrate Asougi’s goals, to keep going where he can’t. Ryuunosuke and Susato both form their resolve here to continue to live, not just for Asougi, but for themselves as well. For life’s sake.

Because, again, life goes on.

(A brief tangent: Seeing the contrast of this story versus the original trilogy is also a really neat sort of view into Shu Takumi’s growth as a writer. Or the AA series’ growth as a whole. How Edgeworth handled his grief by never really acknowledging it in AA1, how he basically ran away from it by refusing to live as a sort of punishment against himself, is really sad. Then Phoenix handling his grief in JFA by turning to anger and resentment is just as heartbreaking. Phoenix disavows himself from it, trying to spare himself the pain by denying it, which only hurt him more and he had to have everyone around him break him out of that awful mindset. Then in T&T it’s Godot’s grief which drives the plot, as he turns his anger on Phoenix unjustly. He blames Phoenix for Mia’s death and lashes out at everyone instead of allowing himself the time to properly grieve.

And then DGS1 comes along to say that maybe the answer is just that life goes on and we have healthier ways to reconcile with our grief and it’s just real neat to see!)

In Case 3 and 4, we can see through Ryuunosuke’s discussion with Lord Vortex (/Stronghart) the continuation of his handling this grief. It’s a burden, one Ryuunosuke doesn’t fully understand, but he fervently takes upon himself because we want to live for those we’ve lost. (It is the Wright way, the Naruhodou way, to take on the aspirations of the friends you’ve lost. To mimic their mannerisms, their ambitions, in order to keep them close to your heart.)

(That’s a whole other can of worms I could dive into, honestly, how their decision to give Ryuunosuke all of Phoenix’s poses for the whole ancestor vibe while ALSO making it clear that Ryuunosuke took them from Asougi to begin with, it’s just. It’s good, it’s perfect, it’s the same brand of gay the series is known for and I’m love it.)

You also see, as the trial of Case 3 progresses, how Ryuunosuke is basically just living off of ‘what would Asougi do?’ as Susato coaches him along and it’s fun and bittersweet all the way through. Case 4 is where he gains more confidence in himself, but he still defaults to thinking of Asougi’s unwavering trust in him to help him and every time it’s handled with tenderness and shows just how much Ryuunosuke loved his friend.

And, if you’re like me and take every opportunity to examine Asougi’s badge and present it to Susato (/others), you see how they continue to grow with their grief. It starts off with both of them being unable to say much, still weighed down heavily by Asougi’s loss. Though they are continuing and life goes on, it’s still a wound too fresh to approach and hard for them to properly explain.

By Case 5, though, the two of them are more conversational. They’ve found their words, they’ve mended that wound as much as possible so that life won’t leave without them. It still hurts, of course, but it’s easier to think about. It’s easier to reconcile when they’ve been working hard and making friends and continuing to live. It’s small, but the progression is there and I really appreciate it.

Speaking of Case 5, though, everything about this one, in regards to Asougi, is pure catharsis. It really is like they’re looking their grief right in the face and accepting it as a part of themselves. Ryuunosuke looks back on his friend not just with fondness, but with gratefulness that Asougi could make such a big impact on his life.

(This is similar to the whole Phoenix and Mia thing, I feel, since Phoenix often thought of his mentor with the same sort of tone. At least, I think so. Remarkable how Phoenix’s grief can mirror the finalised version of Ryuunosuke’s with the help of spirit channeling! /joke)

Ryuunosuke and Susato have etched Asougi into their hearts and their persons and it’s just really, very good I like it a lot.

(okay time for a few paragraphs on DGS2 and Asougi)

Case 1 one DGS2 is a neat look into Susato’s mind and thought process. You can definitely tell she’s still just a 16-year-old with the mistakes she makes and how she tries to handle her own arguments, which is very cute. We also get to see her actually talking to Asougi’s grave and then see how her own relationship with Asougi has influenced her style (/poses) and aspirations. (Ryuunosuke, too. It’s cute to see how she’s ended up a mixture of both of them.) And it’s a great rug pull moment for the player, since the way that the grief is handled in DGS1 is so good and (almost) final that hearing Asougi might not actually be dead is a bit like digging up old wounds. I mean, we went the entirety of the first game coming to terms with his death, what do you mean his body went missing??

(Case 2 serves as a reminder. Like haha remember how Susato and Ryuunosuke both love Asougi and are sad about his death? Here’s the baseline again, get ready to have it wrecked!)

And Case 3 is phenomenal, too. The way Van Zieks is so understanding in his response to showing him Asougi’s badge is just. It’s perfect, he’s so gentle and empathetic that it shocks Ryuunosuke (even though Ryuunosuke did the same understanding and concern for Van Ziek’s situation Ryuunosuke please). Then the way that Ryuunosuke sees Asougi, disguised in a cloak and mask, and immediately recognises him. To me, that really shows how much he loved his friend. He knew Asougi for about a year and it’s been about nine months since Asougi’s death, yet Ryuunosuke recognises him just by the way he carries himself.

But, to him, Asougi is dead. He’s made peace with that. So, even if it plays on his mind, he can’t allow himself to think that. He puts it out of his mind completely and doesn’t think on it again.

At least, until Susato (who reacted very realistically by shutting down the possibility that Asougi might still be alive because that means Sherlock lied and she couldn’t take having that hope break her worse than before) sees the exact same thing just as immediately and shouts after him. The fact that they both see this disguised man and know it can be no one besides Asougi is insane. It’s love. It makes me cry, I wish they could’ve hugged him during the big reveal (though I know Japanese culture’s just not like that).

Anyway, DGS2 diatribe over. Back to the conclusion.

The whole of DGS1 is just a masterful example of how grief doesn’t have to destroy you, of how life can go on and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, and how channeling that grief into motivation to keep their memories alive can be powerful. That it’s okay to still feel grief even as you heal, that it’s okay to have fun and keep living even as you mourn. Life is a mixture of levity and tragedy and, to me, DGS1 nails that mixture with perfection.

Absolutely legendary. Join me next time when I dive into the main theme of DGS2, which is literally ‘the dead will come back to life to haunt you’ thanks for coming to my essay talk

[whatifxwereyou]

Ashes Chapter 1: Night

Liu Kang x Reader

This story contains spoilers from the Mortal Kombat 2021 movie so description and story will be beneath the cut. It's an angsty good time. Thanks @justariellove for workshopping titles with me!! Edit:: Changing the title. Beauty Through Ash will be the name of the series that this will be a part of.

Next Chapter >> Chapter Index

You are a warrior with the dragon marking and ink arcana. You had visions as a child. Complicated sexual history with Liu Kang and a romantic relationship with Kung Lao that lasted a few years after that had ended. Story takes place post-movie! It will be angsty. There will be yelling. There will be tension and smut (eventually, that's just me). It will be ridiculous. But fun.

This is a 'I have zero self control post' Enjoy!

A soft ringing rattled through your head and you hated every second of it. It was a tinkling sound, like metal brushing softly against metal.

A wind chime.

The most annoying wind chime that you had ever heard in your life. Your stomach was sour, like you’d eaten something funny the night before and as you turned in search of the cold side of the pillow, your stomach rejected being awake. The world spun even with your eyes closed.

What had you done to deserve this?

You tried to recall what had brought you to this point of misery. You remembered going downstairs in search of a stiff drink after you’d packed for your trip the next day but after that, things had gotten blurry. It was easy to get lost in liquor these days. You remembered some of the other monks coming to join you but after that, there was nothing. That was why your stomach was sick. Too much liquor. Not an entirely unfamiliar feeling the past few weeks. You’d often needed its help to fall asleep.

You leaned up on your elbow and felt something soft slip over your bare skin. Puzzling. No usual nightshirt, but something else draped over you instead. Oh, no.

Oh no.

You were naked.

You were very, very naked. Crap. You grasped the soft cloth and held it over you to keep decent. Shit. You were sore too. So much for wishful thinking that you hadn’t done something incredibly stupid.

You bit the bullet and opened your eyes but silently panicked at the shirt that was just barely draped over you and knew whose it was before you saw the body of the man lying next to you. A soot-stained shirt. Biting your lip, you prayed that you would turn your head and find an insane explanation for your clothing being gone besides the obvious.

Instead, you found the truth that you had already damn well known the moment you’d moved. Liu Kang laid passed out on the bed next to you, face turned away and completely naked. He had scratch marks down his back, and you followed them down to his perfect little butt and then covered your face and mentally cursed yourself.

Fuck.

Don’t panic. Deep breaths.

It was still dark out. You had time to find your clothes and get out of there before he woke, with any luck. His room was dark and you were dizzy so the odds weren’t in your favor. Head in your hands, you swung your legs over the side of the bed and felt the cold stone beneath your feet. God, you were so sore. What stupid things had you done? At least you were familiar with his room and the way back from it. Not your first walk of shame out of there, you reflected in disgust with yourself. Not that Liu Kang wasn’t attractive or fun as hell, it was just terrible timing.

You rested his shirt on the bed next to you and searched the floor blindly for your clothing. His room hadn’t changed much over the years. It had been that long since you’d found yourself drunk and naked in his bed.

You had been drunk. Maybe he wouldn’t remember.

You had clawed the shit out of his back though, he’d probably remember something about that.

You had to get up and go about your day and forget all about it.

Seeing as you didn’t remember most of it, it would probably be fine. You were leaving that morning anyway to go and locate a man in America with the dragon mark. You’d be gone soon and able to delay the inevitable fallout that would come with sleeping with Liu Kang for the first time in years. You found your clothes strewn about the room, slipped them back on as quietly as your hungover self would allow and then snuck out of his room. You thought about covering him up but that risked waking him.

Once in the hall and a few doors away, you leaned against the wall and breathed a sigh of relief.

Okay.

You’d made it out of there. Now to make it look less like you’d done exactly what you’d done. Your mouth tasted foul and your head split with every step. This was a complete disaster. You hadn’t been careful. You hadn’t been thinking. You’d just passed out. You stopped to get cleaned up and grab a cup of tea to try and kill the headache. Then you returned to your room to finish packing your morning things and find a change of clothing. The monotony of the task made your brain buzz with guilt and unpleasant thoughts and then flashes of Liu Kang in the heat of the moment. You smacked the side of your head to try and shake it out of there.

On your desk there was the last and most important thing that you had to bring with you. An ornamental jade circlet. Kung Lao’s jade circlet. You sat at the desk and brushed your fingers over the beautiful thing. It had become one of your most precious possessions. As it often did, the thought of Kung Lao shifted your mood. Then again, it was rare when you weren’t thinking about him. Lifting the circlet, you placed it to your lips and gave it a soft kiss. “I’m sorry, Lao.”

It had been two months since he died.

You hadn’t been there in his last moments. Instead, you’d been halfway around the world running an errand for Raiden and had come back to find him gone. There had been no goodbyes. No last ‘I love you’. Your last conversation hadn’t even been a good one. Then, while drinking away the pain of his memory and guilt of his death, you’d slept with his best friend and brother.

Liu Kang.

You had never felt more guilty in all your life.

There had always been fire between you, but it had long since been put aside when you’d started dating Kung Lao. You’d stomped it out. Now Kung Lao was gone, and you were broken.

If anyone had suffered more than you after Kung Lao’s death it had been Liu Kang. You hadn’t talked about his death other than vague niceties. He had avoided you and you had avoided him. When you’d been together, you’d snapped at each other. The grieving process had been difficult for you both. It had been like he’d taken on some of Kung Lao’s most frustrating traits to deal with the loss of him.

There was no time to dwell on what wasn’t. You had things to do.

You looped the circlet into the straps of your bag and then took it with you. It was what it was. You couldn’t change the past and that was something you were struggling to come to terms with. This was one more thing to add to the pile of stress on your back.

You were off to South Dakota in the United States, a relatively boring place from what you’d heard. You were to search for a man with the dragon marking known as Nightwolf, a legendary warrior of the Makota people. Lord Raiden had asked you to prepare for a journey and you were grateful to have something to do other than stew in the room you’d shared with Kung Lao before his death. There was no peace for you there, but you weren’t sure there was peace for you anywhere right now.

Peace would come with time, you were told again and again. You were tired of hearing it. The comfort of time in conversation was mostly just to shut down the fixation on grief in the company of others. You shook it off.

After you’d found Nightwolf you would be off to meet up with Sonya, Jax, and Cole in Hollywood to try and convince an arrogant movie star, Johnny Cage, to come to Raiden’s Temple to train. No one knew what Outworld would do after having lost the tournament and you had to be prepared. Besides that, you thought Raiden sending you on a mission was his way of trying to help you grieve. He was fatherly at times.

You threw the bag on your back and then walked through the temple to meet Raiden. Your conversation was minimal and you were grateful for that. Your head was still killing you, stomach beyond sick. You stepped through the lightning and arrived outside of a forest, near a reservation where some of the Makota people still lived. You had been told to check there to see if you could find information about the man with the dragon mark.

There were motels nearby, so you walked there and rented a room. It was a little hole in the wall place with a broken No Vacancy sign just off the side of the highway, the kind you associated with horror movies. It had seen better days, but you weren’t picky at the moment, and you weren’t afraid either. You were a woman who was not to be trifled with. You dropped off your bag in the room and then sat on the edge of the bed with the ugly green comforter for a time. The wallpaper was faded and busy, once white ceiling yellowed with age. The most modern thing in the room was the television and even that was a decade old at least. It was fine. You only needed a place to sleep and this room served that purpose. There was a couch against one wall and a table in front of it- more than most hotels offered these days.

Your head was still splitting, but you had gotten some aspirin from the small convenience store attached to the ancient lobby where you’d checked in. Hopefully, that would help. You would take a car to the reservation and then hopefully be allowed to respectfully ask some questions. From what you’d read, very few people still lived there but it had been the only place you’d been able to locate before you’d traveled.

You were hoping that some of the people there would at least point you in the right direction. Raiden had told you that the title of Nightwolf was given to a great warrior who could commune with the Gods. In this case, it was also a man who bore the dragon marking. You called a car from the phone in your room and waited outside for it to meet you. When it did, you opened the door and climbed in the back and made casual conversation with the driver.

You pulled the door closed, but then someone smacked on the door and opened it again. In crawled Liu Kang and any recovery your head and stomach had made were set so far back that you could have vomited your insides onto your boots. “What are you doing here?” That sounded far more accusatory than you had meant it too.

“Raiden sent me to accompany you.” He avoided eye contact and turned his attention to the driver. He looked just as tired as you felt and addressed the driver. “Sorry about that. Is the fare still the same for us both?”

“You going to the same place?”

“Yes, just together.”

“Then same fare, buddy.” The driver put the car in gear and pulled onto the road. You couldn’t have felt worse. Thanks Raiden. Your distraction was officially over. Maybe he hadn’t sent you to find comfort. Maybe he’d sent you to test your spirit. Great.

Next Chapter >>

[givemethatgold]

Fix’er Upper - Pt 15

Pairing: Frankie Morales x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Talk of past abusive relationship, swearing

Length: 1.2k

Notes: Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’, keep the story rollin’. More plot, lack of smut, surprise guests, it’s all coming together now I promise. Since tags don’t work for me, like AT ALL, I’m going to attempt a posting schedule! Which is laughable if you know how I story-board. Every Tuesday night at 7pm MDT

Series Masterlist

You needed to get laid.

No, not just laid. You needed to get fucking dicked down. 

You needed it so hard and rough that you couldn't walk the next day. 

It had been seven weeks. Seven weeks without an orgasm.

Sure, you'd tried to get off on your own fingers but after the delicious stretch from manual-labour-thickened digits how could yours ever compare? You had gone so far as to order a vibrator, something you’d never even consider for fear of getting caught, but your body always stalled out just on the cusp of an orgasm. 

You needed Frankie and you were going to get him,

Date night was back on the table, and hopefully, you'd be getting railed on said table before the end of the night. Frankie had been very reserved when you'd brought up the idea of a sleepover for Annie, but once Jacquie had assured him for the fifth time that she knew how to take care of children, seeing as she had four of them herself, he had agreed.

The scheduled day had arrived, legs were shaved, an amazing meal was cooked, and a sweet little babydoll dress was purchased that you knew would drive him crazy. You even went the extra mile and set up your old record player and had Johnny Cash crooning at you from the living room.

Finishing the final touches, you surveyed the table setting, trying to decide between using your nice plates to complete the aesthetic or just putting down plastic so you could sweep the table clear and mount your boyfriend on it without fear of broken ceramic. 

Finally deciding on the first option, presentation is everything after all, you were digging through your china cabinet when the doorbell rang. How formal of him, you thought to yourself, glad he was playing along with the unspoken mood you'd set for the night.

Opening the door, your gaze widened a comical amount and your jaw went slack. There was nothing in the world that could have prepared you for this.

"Close your mouth dear, before the flies get in."

"MOM?!"

It really shouldn't have shocked you, knowing the woman as well as you did, that she would show up unannounced like this. Ever since you'd let it slip that you and Frankie were in a relationship she'd been dropping hints that a visit was due, and you, not wanting to deal with her, had been blatantly changing the subject every time.

Then, Frankie had to go and tell her that an adorable little girl was now involved? That's not something she could ever resist, even if it wasn't exactly being offered to her.

Finally coming to terms with the fact that you weren't going to get railed tonight, and instead would be spending your week fending off your mother's well-meaning but entirely outdated advice, you opened the door wider and welcomed her into your home.

"Where's Dad?" You ask, glancing behind her onto the porch, noting a distinct lack of other vehicles. "Did you get a cab here?!"

"Sweetie, honestly, you know I don't like to drive and he doesn’t like to leave home," came her answer from your dining room where she was already adjusting your place settings to her standards. "Besides I wasn't sure how long you'd need me here for so I decided to fly and will just borrow your truck if need be."

So matter-of-fact, as if it was the simplest notion in the world, and said with such nonchalance, your mouth was back to hanging open again from the sheer audacity of the woman.

"Mom, no, wait, what?" You were floundering, completely at a loss for words. "Why would I need you here right now? I needed you when I was young, dumb, and blindly in love with Brad. I needed your guidance and concern when I was being manipulated-"

"Oh come on-" she tried to interrupt you with a wave of her hand.

"No! You keep trying to tell me he wasn't that bad but you weren't there. You didn't hear how he talked to me, how he treated me." You were over your shock, residual hurt and betrayal were now rearing their ugly heads. "Don't you shake your head at me! How dare you chose his side over mine! I was your daughter, your little girl," the words were getting stuck in your throat now, burning so hot with emotion you could almost see the pain they were inflicting as they landed on her ears. "and you chose to ignore the signs, the cries for help. You were only there for me when he died, but even then it was just to send your regards!"

"We really didn't know..." she answered in a small voice, so quiet it barely registered through the roaring in your ears.

"Denial, maybe? I don't think we could bear the thought of anything but a fairytale being true, so we willfully ignored the signs." She waited for a beat, probably giving you time to yell back at her but when you stayed silent she continued, "I don't think it truly sank in just how badly you'd been treated until you moved away. We thought quitting college was you just deciding you wanted to start a family. Then when you stopped calling friends and family, we hoped it was because you were making new ones. Then your weight loss and depression we blamed on infertility, and then again from the grief of his death." Lifting your head up and wiping away the tears that had streaked your cheeks, she smiled sadly at you while tears fell from her own eyes. "I'll never forgive myself."

"How could you not?" You sobbed, letting yourself sink onto a dining room chair.

Your mom tentatively made her way over to you, wrapping her arms around your shoulders and hugging your head to her stomach.

"Oh, Mom," you couldn't finish the sentiment, but you didn't need to. Springing up, you enveloped each other in a tight hug and rocked back and forth until the tears dried and your breathing was almost back to normal, save for the occasional hitch and sniffle.

Breaking apart, you were just about to ask if she wanted some tea when the front door flew open.

"Where's my pretty pus- oh! Oh."

"Frankie," you said calmly while your eyes screamed ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME at him, "this is my mother."

"So this is the handsome face behind that gruff voice!" God bless Margot and her ability to ignore the obvious, sometimes it actually came in handy. "And I suppose he's the second place setting for a lovely night I seem to have interrupted."

"Oh, no, Mom it's okay-"

"Nonsense! I'll check myself into the sweet little bed and breakfast I've booked for the week and see you both tomorrow!"

"It is nice to see you, Mom," you admitted, finding yourself meaning the words more than you expected to. "I'll meet you in town tomorrow and show you around?" Maybe having her here for a while would be nice, if the week went as well as tonight had, your relationship with her would be salvaged.

"You really don't need to do that, you just got here!" Frankie tried to reassure her, having noticed the red, swollen, tear-streaked faces and assuming there was unfinished conversation to be had.

You knew your mom was immovable once she had made up her mind, however, so you just followed her to the door and handed her her coat and your truck keys.

"Marvelous!" She pats your hand in thanks before a sly smile quirks her mouth up to the side and she winks, "Have a good night, Pretty Pussy!"

Part Sixteen

[covertblizzard]

Have you read Phil Jimenez’ Tempest miniseries from the mid 90s? If so, what are your thoughts?

Hello! Okay so, the answer to this at the time you sent this ask is: nope, not yet. But I was intending to find out more about Garth since he is not so commonly referenced here (that I've seen) so I have very little impression of him, and I figured why not treat this as a recommendation!

(Fair warning: I've never really read anything about DC Atlantis before this so I know very little besides what's in the miniseries, a few other Garth-centered issues I just read, some little googling, and a vague outline of the Aquaman movie. I also have some not-so-nice things to say about it so I hope you don't mind haha)

Overall I found the story interesting enough. I think the worldbuilding was pretty fun, it wasn't too confusing understanding his heritage and storyline, and it was fun to think about different kingdoms and civilizations. The Hidden Valley civilization was fascinating and I think the designs were really good (I really liked the artists for this series in general, but the architecture design especially was nice).

I also liked the touch of how they differentiated Poseidon and Neptune (Poseidon, the Greek god, feeling a lot more primordial with his green tinge and the whole archaic man vibe while Neptune, the Roman god, being a lot more ceremonial looking, dressed, and "proper"). Credits to the artists also for this I think, they really bring through the horror and creepiness of Tula not being Tula, especially in Garth's dream. It is overall a pretty standard storylin of the long lost nephew saving the people from the evil usurper uncle (Simba), a little overused, but I suppose the purpose of this storyline was more about his growth and coming to terms with his grief and loss.

Some parts I found especially compelling is the part where Tula regains a bit of her bearing and realises what is happening, and Garth consequently having to kill her himself. I know she was already dead and that she was literally hurting him, but his devastation was truly... something.

The scene where he yelled to his mother "Don't touch me! You abandoned me! You left me to die because of some cryptic vagaries about a magical catastrophe I might have been able to prevent!" was GOOD and the part he tells the Idylists "Just know your non-intervention marks you as killers just as much as if you'd slain all those others yourselves. That's not pacifism, folks, it's cowardice." Amazing, and he's right! I mean I'm not going to go into the whole non-intervention theory of morality or whatever (not that I'm even qualified to hahaha) but it's an interesting idea to bring up.

The destruction of Shayeris landscape because of all the ghostly death architecture was very upsetting to me too. Shayeris was so beautiful, somehow preserved even after the Idylists went hiding, but yet destroyed (at least partly) because of this and I hope they successfully restore it :(

Okay, so to the parts I feel like weren't done as well as they could've been:

Love triangle between Tula and Letifos: Honestly, I just generally dislike love triangles and especially those that pit girls against each other. This is made like only SLIGHTLY better by one of them I suppose literally trying to save his life from the other because of the plotlines but still... not a fan of catfights-type stuff in general (although comics loooooove them)

The concept of being blinded by love: This is always an amazing concept and I love to see explorations of it. BUT I feel like this one discounts a lot of other factors and has him ignoring his friends, his people, his responsibilities from trying to save all undersea people from literally dying, over a girl he knows deep down is not alive and has already betrayed him. It's touching in a way, but also foolish and more importantly, undermines everything else (love for his friends, his people, etc). I think he obviously should still have difficulties tangling with Tula, but I wished the writers had made him at least think about some of these. He barely seems to feel guilt over leading his people to a lot of their deaths, and every second he delays, more of his people are getting killed in a fight it is implied that he knows they cannot win, and yet he seems to have no issues with it. He is also remarkably chill about his mother being alive and the fact that his father has spent years being maligned when he didn't actually go insane. The TULA IS BACK is really too all-consuming for me. (Another issue of his also mentioned how aquaman is the defender of its creature and Garth is destined to be the defender of the undersea's people which makes it even weirder because he should care more about the people)

Withholding information: There is quite a bit if information withdrawal for surprise factor in this story, but a lot of them aren't given reasons. King Thar didn't seem to have told his people why he was building up weapons, even though Slizzath was banished only 20 years ago for dabbling in dark arts and necromancy, it's not like Slizzath is lost memory already. Knowing would bring a different kind of understanding, and even if they didn't want violent approaches, they could have discussed non-violent alternatives, or at least have been more prepared and know what was coming when Slizzath arrived. There seems to be no reason for this withholding of information. I suspect this might be because this is a post re-write (earlier stories seem to have Garth's father being actually mad and him even fearing he might go mad). Honestly, I think the wronged king is an interesting concept, I just wish they gave some in universe reason why he didn't just tell people.

The Pacifist ideology: The Idylists are supposedly some kind of pacifist and against fighting and war and instead choose to build, practice arts, and study sorcery. With that in mind, I just think it's slightly weird that the Idylists solution to every conflict is literal murder. King starting to build weapons, murder king. Baby might have magic powers that can free a scary being, murder baby. They set the Hidden Valley up with such a fascinating idea I wished they fleshed it out more. Why would they choose the option of murder king when there are other alternatives including banishment, prison, or just somehow magically sealing him away?

Queen Berra's (and the Idylists' by extension) choices: This might be one of the most confusing to me. Suppose abandoning her baby for the greater good somehow fits in the pacifist perspective because they're not actively commiting act of violence (even though it is clearly wrong), why did they never follow up on it after this plan obviously failed? Garth wasn't some random nobody, he was being raised by and worked actively with the King of Atlantis, surely they knew he was alive and should have a backup plan since child murder clearly didn't work. Whether the plan was doubling down (assassination) or alternatives where they fill him in or have some plan to prevent him from every finding out or just setting up a teamed force to prepare for Slizzath's recapture after the release when Garth taps into his ancestral powers, there SHOULD be some plan. It's been 20 years at this point, the scholars of the undersea didn't bother to think up of any new options besides adding the stabbing part so nobody dares to try and wait to see what happens? They're supposed to be pacifists, not stupid. Later, a part of the Idylists, including Berra, choose not to fight, but then abruptly change their minds mid-fight to join which is also confusing. I suppose the implication could be the Tempest's speech got to them, but it wasn't really made clear and seemed vaguely flippy-floppy instead.

Slizzath's Motivation: This one is very minor haha, but I also wonder what he wanted to do with everyone literally dead and nothing but puppets for his control.

Overall, I do think the story was a good setup though, and I wish different thing about Garth had been explored more, like

His initial fear of going insane (before he found out the truth about his father and especially after Tula's death)

His magic being intrinsically linked to his anger and confusion, becoming more powerful when he is angry and confused which implies some emotional use of power (mentioned here and also in a Teen Titans Spotlight issue)

His complicated relationship with his mom Queen Berra. She abandoned him at birth, but at least in this story, she did return at a time of need.

His feelings over his father. Previously, he thought his father had gone mad and that's part of the reason all these happened. He might have had some resentment towards his father, but now that he knows the truth, how does he reconcile that.

His exploration of other undersea people. This is not directly related to this storyline, but Atlan says that Garth is destined to be a defender of the undersea's people, so it would be fun to watch him learn about them (eg. Letifos, other Atlantean kingdom). Atlantis is a sunken ancient Greek kingdom, but it might be fun to also bring in other cultures.

His reconnection with his homeland's culture. I think he was raised by Atlan and Orin, with little to no connection to Shayeris or the Idylists. It would be interesting to watch him explore the pacifist lifestyle and choices, maybe have debates and push for changes that are necessary or even make some changes himself, becoming some sort of half-pacifist defender.

His potential leadership both Shayeris and the complications.

Also, just some observation, but DC really likes the revive your dead to fight you thing (Blackest Night is another one isn't it, and of course Blackest Night also has Tula). Reading this also made me realised... Tula was basically a fridged victim prior to the term fridging.

Anyway, in conclusion, the Titans should nickname him Sea Simba sometimes.

[intp-energy]

Why Raelle and Scylla’s relationship works

So I felt like I needed to get this off my chest because of how some people are perceiving and reacting to their relationship right now. This is a long read, so brace yourself. :)

I like their relationship and while some may feel that their story was rushed or that they don’t have chemistry, we’ll have to look at the characters in isolation from each other.

Raelle. We have to remember that Raelle’s mother died just a year ago. She is still grieving and to be able to find someone you connect with and understands what you’re going through is a rare thing for her. To find someone who can make you feel like you want to live and to live everyday is very difficult if you’re grieving so when she found Scylla, she was thrown a lifeline and was given purpose to continue on. That would develop a certain co-dependence, which I think Scylla was really banking on given her initial objective. We also need to understand where Raelle grew up and how she grew up. Her father is human and in their world, that’s something that’s frowned upon. She was most likely considered weird — so again, to find someone as weird [or as sexy weird] as you, is a rare thing and you would want to cherish and protect that relationship. So when it came to the wedding, despite Scylla crashing it (which, yes, may not be proper etiquette - but remember, their world has different rules. Who knew that you’d have to enter into a contract just to keep a man for 5 years? Scylla participated in the wedding and was beside Raelle when the binding took place, so eventually, it kind of wasn’t really a big deal anymore), Raelle was very bleh about the reactions of Abigail and Tally. She was already very angry at the beginning when she couldn’t bring Scylla, would you really think she’ll be worried about what Abigail thought?

A whole lot of people thought Raelle was very selfish and didn’t think about her unit and that her unit should always be her focus. Apart from the reasons I gave above (being so deeply inlove and connected to another person who you would LIVE for; “I like doing everything because of you.”), we have to empathize with Raelle and figure out what she’s feeling. For me, I think before she met Scylla, she’s basically just forced into the institution that killed her mother and has no choice but to comply “I hate to break it to you, beautiful, but there is NO WAY OUT.” That feeling of helplessness will destroy anybody. Heck, she even wanted to go to the front line as soon as possible, had it not been made clear to her that she will be taking Tally and Abigail down with her. She doesn’t want to be there, but she also doesn’t want to be responsible for Tally and Abigail being in danger. She is still innately a healer, so helping others is a calling — just not a strong enough calling for her to want to live for it, but enough to not make her screw things up for her unit.

We’ve also been shown her family tree and it was a very small one. Having a bloodline that short could be very lonely and could make her believe that she was simply meant to just perish like all of her other ancentors. There wasn’t really a point in continuing, 1) she’s gay and will not get pregnant unless she wanted to, 2) she sees being a witch as somewhat of a curse (remember that she has a human dad, meaning she knows what it’s like to have a “normal” life and not be doomed to answer to a call that will come when you’re 18), and 3) if I were her, why would I want my children to suffer the same fate as our family had, I would rather end the bloodline. She is grieving and if you think it’ll take a mere year to get over someone so close to you, then you have a very good coping mechanism, unfortunately, not a lot of people get that because while you may have a good support system, grieving is still a process. She has no one, she only has her father who is grieving with her. It was meant to spiral.

Scylla. I think I’ve made my point about grief and like Raelle, Scylla is grieving. Her parents were killed and unlike Raelle who used depression as a coping mechanism, she used anger. She may very well have joined the Spree because of anger and because she wants to destroy the institution that took her family. If you have no one, yes, it feels lonely, but it also feels like nothing else matters. It feels like this blind hatred and revenge will somehow compensate for the grief and loneliness that you’re feeling. Maybe it’s also meant to dampen that sadness and convert that into something greater, something worth fighting for. She believes, as a dodger (always remember that she’s a dodger, she grew up with different ideals), that witches should have a choice and that choice is taken away because of the accord made hundreds of years ago. She believes that by joining the Spree, she could save the lives of the witches who were killed and hunted (like her family) because they wanted to be free. At this point, I don’t even want to comment on her redemption arc because we don’t even know which deaths she was directly responsible for. And again, I’m not making up excuses for her, but she truly believes in the cause and may believe that she’s saving more lives in the long run than the number of lives the Spree is taking. When I think about Scylla and the bad things she did, I think about Regina Mills, who took how many seasons to get the redemption she deserves. I don’t see why we can’t give Scylla the same. I don’t even want to go into the rabbit hole that is Villanelle and Eve. If you want to define toxic, that’s the pair, but it’s oh so delicious to watch, isn’t it?

I would like to point out that as dodgers, we know that Scylla would have been a social pariah. That was a very lonely way of living and was very self-deprecating; add the loss of her parents and she’s just a mess. As Helen Graves, she told Raelle that she’s weird, spooky, and generally separated from others because of her being a necro. She was very hopeful though because she wanted Raelle to be patient with her as she opens up. And to find someone who is very much willing to do that, that must’ve felt like she struck gold, but here lies the complication. She has a mission and she starts to question this because she’s developed feelings for Raelle. I couldn’t imagine how it must’ve felt for Raelle to include her and make her feel like SHE BELONGS - first, by introducing her to everybody (even at the wedding), and second, by fighting for her. So her reactions to save Raelle from the Spree is very authentic and it horrifies her because by saying I love you (and I choose you), she basically signed her own death sentence or she’s basically accepting the fact that she’ll be living her life running and not belonging. AGAIN. She was prepared to do it, though, so her decision to save Raelle wasn’t rash. She already developed the connection using the spell she did. When she said that it was so that she could say hi wherever Raelle was, she was essentially saying, so that I can keep the connection even while I’m running or being tortured, whichever the case. That must have been really hard on her - saying her last I love you, knowing she might not see Raelle anymore. So we really couldn’t deny that these two love each other deeply.

Their relationship. Okay, yes, it started as a mission for Scylla and desire (or at least an effort to feel alive) for Raelle, but because of the deep connection they have based on the stuff I wrote above, it makes perfect sense how they’re portrayed right now. Scylla is terrified that loving Raelle may harm Raelle in any way or may mean her own death and Raelle is terrified of losing yet another person she loves. These are two very closed off, very scarred, very deeply emotional, grieving people who found each other despite the circumstances. Of course, they’ll be awkward or sometimes it’ll feel like they have no chemistry; well, they’re protecting themselves from getting burned - they’re closed off and being careful. They are, individually, people who’ve been shunned by the world because of their circumstances. They have very different, mostly difficult, situations and upbringing and their priorities weren’t really supposed to be about love. They weren’t expecting it, they don’t know how to deal with it or act around someone who is getting very close to them - it was NEVER in their plans. Of course, it’ll look rushed, we don’t have a lot of episodes in this season. Of course it’s weird because we’re so used to the dynamic of one bubbly person paired with a broody person. It just so happened that they paired two very complex, very introverted (most likely INTP - check out MBTI if you want to know more) characters - and we’re not used to watching that. We’re used to the chase, we’re used to the giddiness, but the reality is that these people went through hell and are both still going through a lot. And the fact that they’re depending on each other in unconventional ways is something that people see as unusual or even boring. If you step back, it’s actually very beautiful and complex. Even the exchange of gifts was seen as creepy and weird, that’s exactly the point, they ARE weird, they ARE people who other people usually misunderstand. And that’s besides the point that, again, this is a different world. Their customs are different, some of the things they’re used to is different. We’ll have to look at their world in their lens to understand it better. So I do hope that before judging the relationship, fans of the show would sit down and really think about what the characters are going through. This isn’t the feel-good movie you want to watch and just not think about. It is very well-thought of in terms of complexity and world building. This is the type of series that will take you away from your current world and your biases and show you a different perspective and an angle you may not have considered before. Give it a chance, open your mind, and take the journey with the characters.

[tsukihimeyfan]

Things in AtLA that I wish had gotten resolved/addressed better

So we all know AtLA is the Greatest Cartoon Show Of All Time (TM) but I always felt like there were several loose ends that would’ve REALLY benefited from a Book 4: Air, and I wanted to rant about them for a second, so here they are:

1) Azula’s mental health and (possible) redemption: I really wish we had gotten to see Azula come out of the pit she dug herself into. Because of the evil acts we see her commit, we often forget that Azula was just a 14 YEAR OLD GIRL, who had spent all of her life trying to live up to the expectations of her abusive father and who was betrayed by literally everyone close to her in the end. Of course there still should’ve been consequences to her actions, but I don’t believe she was an irredeemable hopeless case. I feel like this line: 

was REALLY telling as to why she did what she did. I often wonder if maybe she’d started out just doing her best to act in a way where she would NOT be punished or hated like she’d SEEN her brother be, and then it just became so ingrained into her that it changed her. Especially since her mother and uncle, the only other adult presences in her life, kept themselves mostly removed from her and ultimately failed her (I understand that Ursa was probably trying her best to help the child she believed was most in danger from Ozai, but if your 9 YEAR OLD daughter comes out of your relationship believing “my own mother thought I was a monster” then you’ve failed as a parent. Sorry)

Aaron Ehasz said this about a year ago:

and honestly I would have LOVED THAT. “At the deepest moment in her own abyss she would have found: Zuko”. Like, what?!?! Zuko getting to be Azula’s Iroh, to help her crawl of the dark place she was in through compassion and kindness?? YES PLEASE!!! Also, imagine what Azula could’ve been if she’d ever decided to use her razor-sharp intellect for Good? This girl conquered Ba Sing Se with only 2 people on her side initially, little to no bloodshed, and no civilian casualties! She could’ve accomplished SO MUCH as Zuko’s advisor/right hand woman or something!

2) Aang dealing with his grief regarding the Air Nomad Genocide: truth be told, we never see Aang truly take the time to cry and mourn over the loss of literally everyone he ever knew and loved aside from those brief moments during the Southern Air Temple and The Guru, and even then he never got to dwell on it for long because the world needed him and he had to focus on that.

I’m quite sad that he never got to have that catharsis, to truly come to terms with his feelings on the matter (besides seemingly focusing all his love on Katara, as we’re told during The Guru). He should have gotten the chance to rebuild his home and find his new place in the world in the appropriately-named Book 4: Air. For example, I’ve seen theories that Ty Lee was a descendant of the remaining Air Nomads, and it would’ve been so great for it to be true and for Aang to go around the world searching for others like her and teaching them Air Nomad philosophy. Also wish we could’ve seen Aang finding and protecting the last Sky Bisons, collecting Air Nomad scriptures with Zuko’s help and spreading them across the world, or restoring the Air Temples to their former glory (maybe Teo and the Mechanist could’ve helped in that endeavor to make up for wrecking the Northern Air Temple. I never liked that at the end of that episode we’re told to think Aang was in the wrong, when literally the last remaining vestiges of his culture had been changed and almost destroyed and he had every right to be angry about it).

3) Toph’s Life Changing Field Trip with Zuko: I really dislike Zuko dismissing Toph’s talk about her parents during The Phoenix King. I feel like it’s quite a bit out of character, since he would of course be able to understand better than anyone in the Gaang how being forced to change yourself to fit in with your rich&powerful parents’ expectations of you feels. You’re telling me that the guy who immediately empathized with Katara when she mentions how the Fire Nation took her mother from her in the Crystal Catacombs (while they were still “enemies” might I add), who encouraged Aang when he felt uneasy about his firebending, who stuck with Sokka when he was feeling down about his plans failing and inspired him to keep trying, who helped Katara find closure on her mother’s death and praised her sacrifice saying “[she] was a brave woman”, and who was comforted by Toph herself just a few days before when he was feeling down about Iroh, wouldn’t take a second to empathize with her? I don’t buy it. 

Also can you imagine the kind of shenanigans two badass rule breakers like them could’ve gotten into??? 

They could’ve saved or toppled a city in one night. It would’ve been EPIC. WE WERE ROBBED. 

4) Aang and Katara’s relationship: just... so much about it. I’m not even going to get into how much I wish Zutara (or the beginnings of it) had been made canon, but if they were going to make Kataang canon I wish they had showed us MUCH MORE of the development of Katara’s feelings. I mean, on the Ember Island Players we leave them with Aang having screwed up by disregarding her boundaries and forcing a kiss (and then never apologizing for it smh), 

and then we get NOTHING until somehow during the very last 10min of the series she all of a sudden reciprocates his feelings in full???? Without anything getting resolved????

Like what?!?! How did she go from A to B???? At least show me how she debated the matter! Show me how she talked about it with someone, or mulled it over on her own! Show me what exactly she found that she loved ROMANTICALLY about Aang! Show me him apologizing for overstepping and her forgiving him! Show me Katara stop babying Aang gradually! Show me Katara having cute blushing moments like she does for her other crushes (namely Jet and Haru) SPRINKLED ALL THROUGHOUT THE STORY WITH INCREASING FREQUENCY INSTEAD OF ONLY ON 2-3 ISOLATED INSTANCES IN THE WHOLE SHOW, WHILE OTHERWISE SHE ACTS LIKE HIS MOM OR OLDER SISTER!!!! Arrrggh we should’ve gotten a Book 4 if only so we could end on that kiss on a balcony properly. They both deserved better than we got.

5) Katara’s role in the world Post-War: from what little I’ve heard of the comics, it seemed as if Katara was relegated to the role of “Aang’s girlfriend”, which was reinforced by what we saw in LoK where she mostly stays in the South Pole while all her other friends are helping save the world. She doesn’t even seem to have her own statue! I find this highly disrespectful of her character, since the Katara we know would’ve “never turned her back on people who need her” and would’ve fought tooth and nail to make the world a better place. She never would’ve been content as a stay-at-home wife. She ends up “in the healing huts” just like Pakku thought she should and that’s so sad😔 I wish we could’ve seen her become a political activist protesting for women’s right to learn combat waterbending at the North Pole, an environmentalist/ecoterrorist, a medical volunteer, an ambassador for Aang’s new Air Nation or for the Water Tribes, a warrior putting the Fear of God(TM) into anyone who tried to assassinate Zuko or Aang, or even all of the above. Katara is a BAMF with strong opinions and we should’ve seen her do something with them goddammit.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[best-enemies]

I have to write an actual review on Gallifrey TW4 for the podcast I’m in but I have a writer’s block, so here are some of my thoughts on the box because I need to yell about it somewhere and my friends are pissed that I keep yelling on twitter. Spoilers ahead!

Don’t expect anything coherent to come out of this post I’m just going to throw stuff in this post and if you get it you get it lol. It’s not like I have fully recovered from the blow anyway... 

Deception is a great introdution to the box and probably one of the best Gallifrey audios. I hate it when the OT4 gets separated (and that it happens all the time!), and in this case it happens between Narvin and Leela. However, it’s always great to see Leela working on her own and interacting with other people. When she tried to save those people from the resistance, the way she dealt with the situation even when she felt lost because she couldn’t trust her senses - a tool Leela values a lot as a warrior and a hunter - was absolutely incredible and it reminded me (not that I could ever forget that) of how much I love and admire her. 

Listening to them being inside the distortion field felt like a really bad trip 

All I could think throughout the box and not just Deception is that Leela had a crush on Eris and man I can’t blame her at all not only he was a great guy he’s really good looking and I got a crush on him too akshdashdkjaks

I don’t think I say this enough, but I really like Livia. She’s not evil, she just makes a lot of bad choices and she has this problem of being too much on the fence, which is not the characteristic of a true leader. She was never one. But still, even if I don’t remember the content of the earlier audios she’s in I’ve always liked her. And I liked that she finally chose a side in the end. I mean, she did when she helped the resistance, and that was a good beginning.

 Also can I interest you with my headcanon that she was Romana’s girlfriend at the Academy and they broke up? Lol Anyways, when she heard that Romana had “died” she was shocked and later on complimented her as a person and I kind of wish we saw more of them on good terms

Now, on Dissolution: I love Narvin. That’s pretty much it lol. Before starting Gallifrey my friend gave me a spoiler which was basically, “you’re gonna love Narvin”. Well, at first I really liked his voice - it was funny and cute and voices are an important thing to me. Of course, even if he seemed funny to me, unfortunately he was a total xenophobic asshole. He had convictions, he had layers which made him very interesting, but still, an asshole. Which makes me really proud to see how far he has come, how much he’s grown. When he joined Romana’s side I soon realized that my friend was right; Narvin had one of the best redemption arcs I’ve ever seen. He went from Romana’s political rival, if I could put it that way, to one of her most trusted allies and best friends. And he found out that he could still fight for and protect his home, but using the right tools, doing it the right way. Dissolution showed that contrast between the old Narvin and what he wanted and the new Narvin, and honestly? I could almost call this episode a moment of relief amongst the chaos. Narvin has become one of my favorite characters in the Whoniverse and one of my all time favorites as well.

Alright... now we get to Beyond *deep breaths*. So let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I spent months since listening to Unity living in a total hell not knowing if Romana was alive or not. I couldn’t believe that that was her ending, that she wouldn’t show up again for their last hurrah, and that my favorite companion ever was gone forever. But then, BF announced the cover, and the description for the episodes, and her name came up, and I could finally breath. My friend and I started theorizing that maybe Braxiatel had dematerialized the TARDIS around her and saved her in the last second - which is kind of what happened, I mean, the description said he wasn’t ready to give up on her! So they go to that place called Beyond, and shit happens. Those ravenous bitches were there eating people and shit. They even ate Narvin - I almost started crying in the middle of the bus, telling myself he wasn’t our Narvin, but he was a Narvin and it still hurt. I wanted to fight those ravenous myself. And not just that, Romana went through hell watching Leela die in front of her, and her reaction was really heartbreaking. 

Aaand that kind of brings me to a point here, something that bothered me. Romana and Brax, as always, spent the audio bickering a little, but they had their moments as well. Like when Brax says that it’s good to see her smile again, when he says (sorry I don’t remember it word by word) something like, she couldn’t die and that she’s supposed to be the best of the Time Lords, when she calls him her friend, and when she asks with a soft voice if he’s coming back to Gallifrey. And it was sweet. Like, they have a lot of issues, but they also have good feelings towards each other. Despite everything they care about each other, and it shows. Which is why I got really confused about Romana’s reaction when Brax was eaten by the ravenous. I remember I even thought she wasn’t around when it happened, that he had left and was somewhere else (I have a little difficulty paying attention), but then my friend said she was. So I was like... wait, she saw her friend, whom she’s known for most of her life (and more than she can even remember) die in a truly horrible way and didn’t even react to that? I’m not blaming Romana, I think this is really out of character for her. She may have difficulty expressing her feelings but she would never, ever react so coldly to the death of a friend. 

Now, on Brax’s death... I was really devastated. At first, as always I got confused and thought the older Brax was an older version of him, somehow. Even if he died, I was like, this is confusing, but it’s Brax? So I was weary, but still, I thought “well at least he’s safe now, on another universe in the Beyond”. But then my friend said “no, that’s an alternative Brax, the one we know is dead”. And that’s when I felt my stomach drop. IT HURT SO BAD. I’ll be honest and say I don’t know everything about Brax, or about the depth of his character, I’m still very early on the Benny audios and only have listened to him on Gally and a few audios here and there. People who have more knowledge on him say that the way he was written wasn’t really accurate, and that can be true, but I won’t get into that because I don’t know for myself. Still, Brax is one of the best and most interesting characters I’ve ever known. I loved him from the beginning. I got mad at him so many times during the series, felt as betrayed as Romana did, heard about a lot of dark shit he’s done, but still I could never hate him. I got a little bit too attached to him, which is why his death felt absurd and unnecessarily cruel. I don’t think for a moment that Brax deserved that, as I said I don’t know everything about him but something in my heart tells me that things could’ve gone another way. I knew he could die in the finale but not like this. And it’s a bit hard to put into words how much I hate the ending he got and how much I’ll miss him. I just hope he comes back, I mean, he always does, BF writers need to figure something out I don’t even care lol

I had to edit the post because my dumb ass forgot about one of my favorite and at the same time one of the most bittersweet moments of Beyond: Brax asking about the Doctor and saying leaving Gallifrey was a “family thing”. I love them and there isn’t enough stuff out there from the Lungbarrow siblings for me. He talks so fondly of the Doctor and now all I think about is that he never mentioned him in the series but thought of him on the last hours of his life... brb I’m gonna go cry in the bathroom

Oh god. Okay, Homecoming. I’ll start on a light note and say some stuff about Hot Rassilon: Richard Armitage nailed it. I’ve always liked him as an actor and I got thrilled when he was announced. His voice is like, the one I want to hear when I get my name called up in Heaven - or Hell, which is where I’m going - and his speeches were really powerful. Still, I wish they could’ve given him more to do. Of course, I understand that this is where they wanted to go with him - Hot Rassilon going batshit crazy and calling himself a god and coming up with some stupid fanfiction about the Time Lords becoming gods of everything, yada yada. I loved his interactions with the Dalek Emperor, the first thing I thought (besides the fact that it was really funny) was that it showed two despots with a god complex playing chess with the universe and discarding their people as garbage, fighting for their own personal power and not for the collective. Of course, I don’t expect the Daleks to care about each other - they want to spread throughout the galaxies and gain absolute power, not bring social well-being to their own. But that should apply to the Time Lord Society, and we see that Hot Rassilon doens’t give a flying fuck about that. 

I feel like I should reinforce the fact that I actually hate Rassilon. I call him hot but I hate him. I can do both

Once again, I need to point out the emotional moments between the galligang. It all felt so off. As someone pointed out here (sorry, I saw the post but don’t recall who said it now): it’s a war and there’s little time for grief, however, it’s not like they’re just grieving the loss of a group of people they’re not familiar with. The galligang are the closest thing they have to a family with each other. They’ve been through all sorts of things together, created a deep bond and have crossed the universe to find each other. And then, that Dalek ship blows up, with Narvin still in it, and... nothing. Leela even asked Romana if they could’ve done something and she says if the bracelet thingy had been working he would’ve come back already. And that’s it. At first I didn’t even understand, I was like “wait, he was really still inside the ship? And it blew up?”, because once again, I couldn’t tell from the way they reacted, I was only sure when they had that exchange. And of course, I started sobbing, because my favorite character was dead. I guess the writers wanted to focus on the war and political aspects and shit but did they forget that Gallifrey was about these three specific people and that their relationship was the core of the series, not just the politics? 

Okay, moving on. Leela and Romana once again end up on Gallifrey and run into Hot Rassilon. Did I mention I found him a bit scary? Well, I did mark me down as scared & horny.

Aaaaaand he decides to lock Romana up in a pocket universe. It surprised me, because I thought he would execute her. I find that he wanted to do that because Romana was the president who wanted to take Gallifrey into the future, to make it a prosperous and advanced society who left all their fears of the unknown and prejudices behind. And now he locked her up in the past. Get it? I don’t know, maybe that’s just me, but this was the first thing I thought. But I cannot even begin to tell you all how RELIEVED I am that she’s alive, and that there could be a possibility - even if a very tiny one - that she could escape. It’s Doctor Who, so everything is possible. EDIT: Now I’m sad because Leela will die after the end of the Time War and Romana will know about that, and all her friends are gone, and she believes the Doctor isn’t the man she once knew so she can’t rely on him, and she’s alone, and I’m FUMING because I’m still processing the whole thing and I hadn’t realized that. She’s totally alone and now I’m crying once again. I HATE IT HERE

As for Leela, I want to see what’s next for her. I haven’t gotten into the other Time War stuff yet, this is my first introduction to the actual thing, but I heard that she’s gonna fight alongside the War Doctor and might be on the War Doctor Begins boxset. But man listening to her and Romana having to depart like that broke my heart. And now I know that she’ll be protecting Gallifrey because of Romana, because Romana represents the best in Gallifrey.

*Phew* okay, that was a lot. I don’t even know if I covered everything, but I managed to make more sense than I thought I would at the beginning of this post. I don’t know man I’ve been crying for hours, went to sleep at 2am crying because of Narvin and Brax and woke up at 7am and my first thought was them, dying again... I don’t even know anymore, I guess I’ll either focus on uni and my job or curl up into a ball and cry for the rest of my life lolololol

Now I want to write a post with my theories on how the entire galligang is alive and in the epilogue in my head they have reunited and are all living together happily. Maybe it’ll be my next post.

[eliegloryofficial]

Five Reasons

Summary: The four times Haru Glory made excuses, and the one time he wished he hadn’t (Story retelling, Haru/Elie, lot of fluff but way more angst).

Fandom and Pairing(s): Rave Master, Haru Glory / Elie.

Author’s Note: this is a rewrite from a fic I wrote 10 years ago! I thought it would be fun to revisit my old stories, and I’m glad I did!

Spoiler Warning: This fic 100% contains spoilers for the end of the series, as well as a few other points throughout.

Haru Glory wasn’t afraid to die. He knew, naturally, that it would find him eventually when his time had come and that would be it. Eventually, he wouldn’t be able to fight it anymore.

But damn if he hadn’t hoped for a little more time.

It was ironic in too many ways to think about. Of course he’d meet his end here, with victory just beyond his grasp. Haru closed his eyes, the darkness more familiar than the cracking white space around him, more comforting. He didn’t want to think of the irony, or the bitterness of his defeat.

“But right now…you’re the only thing I can think about.”

Her words had sung sweet melodies in his ears, reaching through the pain and the despair and everything else bubbling beneath the surface of his brave face. They always did, no matter what the situation. She was the only thing he wanted to think about now – how she had supported him throughout his journey, how she gave him the courage to keep going no matter how difficult it was.

Haru had never known a girl like Elie before their rather unceremonious introduction. She stood next to him with her somewhat poor judgment and naïve curiosity of the world without shame or fear. But, behind a cheerful smile and an impressive temper, she held a burden so close to her heart that it was a wonder it hadn’t crushed her. Yet there she stood throughout every battle and every loss, an unwavering pillar of strength, no matter who or what the enemy was. It had been the first thing he’d noticed about her, really. Who else would have gone crashing down into the stadium, firing off blasters indiscriminately, all to save a bug? Elie was weird and wonderful and he loved that first about her long before he had accepted it.

In hindsight, he had never stood a chance. The second she turned those big brown eyes on him, Haru had been wrapped right around her little finger, willing to find her in the dark and the rain and everything beyond.

When she disappeared after the thunder-man to chase what little she knew of herself, he had been presented with a cruel reminder that he did not know this girl nearly as well as he might have thought. It scared him in a way he hadn’t known how to describe, that he might lose her so soon. And after it was all said and done and the situation turned out to be a misunderstanding, Haru and decided right there that he wanted to know her more.

The more he learned, the more he loved. And the more excuses he made.

The first one came directly after they had stopped Etherion from bursting out of her in order to stop Sieg from killing her. He had knelt down next to her and told her in no uncertain terms that he loved her simply for who she was. The words felt real and right in his mouth, like a chorus to a song he wanted to sing forever. Haru had half hoped she didn’t remember him saying it, hoped she was too far gone in the pain and delirium to realize what he had said. But then she gave him this smile later, coy and fragile, and while she had said nothing, he knew.

Haru panicked. Back-tracked, to himself, over the fear that he had crossed a line he wasn’t meant to. So came the first excuse; she was just a friend.

Not a good excuse, not by a long shot, but he clung to it desperately. Anything to break away from the looming feeling that if he pushed it harder, their friendship would crumble beneath the weight of something neither of them were prepared for. Just a friend, just a friend, a mantra repeated to himself whenever he let his thoughts wander too far. And Elie, with her insistence on wearing short skirts and tank tops into every battle they found themselves in, did not make it very easy to keep his thoughts in just a friend mode.

But he was determined and Elie never brought it up again, so the excuse persisted and he pushed onwards, letting his mind focus on the mission at hand. They have Rave Stones to find, and teenage hormones weren’t going to stop him.

It was after he buried his father that he found himself making his second excuse.

Elie sat beside him with homemade cookies and, for the first time since he had gone storming the Tower, made him laugh. It felt normal, for just a couple minutes. As if the world had not crashed down alongside them not too long ago.

Haru wanted to cling to that feeling. To forget what he was mourning and step back into the world before Gale and King and the history of Demon Card, if only for a few moments. Maybe he would have, if not for the appearance of the family photograph, a copy of the one both he and Cattleya kept framed in their bedrooms.

He wasn’t sure what exactly it was that shattered the delicate peace they had created, whether it be the reminder that he was gone for good or the realization that he would have mourn the man for the second time. But when Haru cracked apart at the seams, it was Elie who oh so softly reassured him that it was okay to be sad. He didn’t have to hide, not from her.

So he clung instead to her, to the reminder that he was not yet truly alone. For the first time in his life, Haru allowed himself to simply mourn – his parents, King, even King’s family. He sobbed into her shoulder and screamed that it wasn’t fair until his voice was hoarse.

And all the while, Elie held him and rubbed his back and said nothing. His pillar of strength, no matter what.

Later that night, long after his breakdown, Haru realized that if it had been anyone else to bring him cookies, he wouldn’t have let himself be so vulnerable. Only she made him feel so comfortable, even when he was grief stricken.

It terrified him.

To have another person have such an impact on him terrified him. When he thought of the future, it was impossible not to imagine Elie right there beside him; but always as a friend. A companion, a constant in his journey. Having her beside him was a given. But for her to be something more? That terrified him.

And so came the second excuse; he wasn’t ready for more. Simple as that.

Maybe later, when the hurt wasn’t so crushing and the future was a bit less muddled, he could think about more. Why did they have to become more, anyways? Was he so selfish as to ask for something greater than everything she had given him so far? Elie trusted him, had put her life in his hands and protected his in her own. It was enough. It had to be, for Haru would give it no other option.

Haru clung to that for months, the entire time they waited for Musica’s recovery and then some. Thoughts of feelings or what they meant had been pushed quite thoroughly to the back of his thoughts, replaced by a singular focus in training, in becoming stronger.

Their journey didn’t seem willing to give him time for any other thoughts, anyways. First there was the casino, then there was Symphonia and Lucia. Haru had almost slipped again, almost admitted too much in the delirium of pain and failure. Almost admitted it again later, driven by his anger.

Lucia made her cry, so he would fight.

There had been no declaration of feelings, no attempt to step back from the sentiment. It was statement of fact, not feelings.

So he told himself. It was only later, well after their battles underwater and then on Doryu’s flying fortress that Haru even considered the implications of that statement, what it meant to be so angered by her tears. As much as he would have loved little more than to continue clinging to his she’s just a friend and I’m not ready anyways, the answer presented itself far too quickly for him to deny;

He loved her. Loved her for everything that she was. As hard as he had tried to stamp it down and bury the feelings as they tried to bud, Haru still loved her. He caught himself sneaking glances in between the battles, found himself flustered when she was near. It had been inevitable, regardless of how much he had tried to avoid it anyways. Thoughts like just a friend and I’m not ready hardly seemed to matter now. Friend or more, ready or not, he loved her.

More than once, he thought about telling her. He expected nothing in return, not really, but that was what you were supposed to do with feelings, weren’t you? But there was always something else. Another enemy blocking their path, another battle to be won. Their journey had not – could not – stop for something like feelings, after all.

The journey came first. Collecting the Rave Stones, defeating Lucia, all of it. There was no question about that, and no hesitation in the decision. For now, Haru would focus on doing what he needed to do. More could come later, if she wanted. But not now. Not until they had done their duty and found the last Rave Stone and defeated Lucia.

Until then, Haru resolved to content himself with having her near, with being so lucky as to have her friendship. It would be enough for now.

Haru knew it had been the right decision to make, pushing his newfound feelings for her to the side for now. After gaining the third Rave Stone, it seemed like their journey knew no peace. Every time they secured a victory for one thing, three more problems popped up.

Though he’d have preferred a distraction with a little less fighting and thinking comrades were dead, Haru was grateful for it all the same. It reminded him what was important and what could wait for a few more months. Shuda called it naiveté and maybe he was right, but Haru was certain that they would have a chance to discuss feelings after the final battle. And, in the wake of Shiba’s death and then returning to the past to uncover Elie’s memories and everything that came after, Haru clung to it. Desperately.

Believing that everyone would make it through the final battle was a lifeline he needed. They had lost too many people already, and he could not allow himself to think for even a second that he’d lose one more.

Especially not Elie.

He watched her now from across the bar, eyes drawn to her like a moth to a flame. If Musica asked, he’d say he was just looking out for her after a tumultuous few days. It would be an easy enough story to buy, he had always been a bit protective of her when it came to using Etherion. While she struggled to recombine the Rave Stones, he forced himself to stay away. He knew that if he went in there to check on her or bring her some water and saw the state she was in, he’d take the Rave Stones back and tell her it wasn’t worth her pain. Musica knew that.

Unfortunately for him, Musica also knew that he was not just watching her because he was still worried.

It felt as if their entire journey had built up to this. The shared smiles, the close calls, even the smallest moments together, all complied up around them as their friends forced the confession out of him. It wasn’t the way he’d have wanted to confess, however, and when Elie breathed fire and ruined Musica and Julia’s little scheme, Haru was just a tiny bit thankful.

He wanted to tell her. Now, later, whenever. But he didn’t want it to be done because of his friends’ drunken antics. No, he would tell her on his terms. After the final battle, when victory was won and the world would be theirs to return to.

After the battle, he kept telling himself. He just needed to wait a little longer.

He should have told her sooner.

There had been so many opportunities, so many better chances. Now they were stuck worlds apart, and he wouldn’t get the chance. Maybe it was better this way, Haru tried to tell himself. Maybe it was better that she didn’t know.

Would it make it any easier, her not knowing? He had heard the anguish in her voice, the desperation as he begged him not to make her do this. No, he doubted it was any easier this way.

It was what needed to be done. But never before had the right thing been so difficult to accomplish.

Haru watched her move even as more tears filled his eyes. He wasn’t afraid to die, not really. But he regretted waiting. He regretted all the almost confessions, and he regretted thinking for even a second that there would be more time. The universe had shown him, again and again, that time was a precious thing. He should have told her sooner, should have told her as soon as he realized it himself.

“That’s exactly why you must save this world.”

It was too late to tell her. He had made his mistakes and whether he wanted to or not, he would accept his death knowing that. But not her. Not if he could help it.

“We were brought together on this world… If this world goes, then our love will fade away with it.”

He closed his eyes and allowed himself to imagine that he could hold her. Just this one last time, just for this moment. If he could give her nothing else, then let him give her this.

“Don’t let our love fade. Save this world, Elie!”

The words felt like sandpaper on the way up, the shards of his broken heart scratching his throat on the way up. Haru wanted to kick and fight and scream to the heavens that this wasn’t fair. How could the universe bring them together – through time, no less! – only to deny them this? Tears fell down his face as he forced himself to acknowledge that the universe had given him plenty of chances.

That he would die with his regrets was his own fault. He thought back to all his petty excuses, all the reasons he had devised to avoid telling her how he felt. They all seemed so silly in hindsight. Now, all he wanted to do was find her and hold her and whisper his love to her over and over again.

And instead of that, he was going to die.

He saw the light of Etherion as it swelled, could almost feel its raw power as Elie poured all of her magic into the staff. This was the only way to prevent Overdrive, the last step in protecting this world for the rest of time. Even now, he couldn’t help but admire her strength – not just because of Etherion. She was so brave, so much stronger than he could ever hope to be. He knew, no matter how much he didn’t want to, that if the roles were reversed, he would not have had the strength to do what she was doing.

“I…I love you, Haru!”

Despite himself, he felt the warmth in his chest as she said it. Felt the happiness flicker amid all the regrets and poor decisions. He had waited too long, but for this moment, it seemed just knowing was enough.

As the light around him grew blinding, Haru felt himself smile.

“I love you too, Elie.”

[minervacasterly]

Filling in the Gaps in the Katherine Howard's story

"We do not know for certain if Henry VIII originally intended to keep Katheryn in prison for life. In January 1542, an Italian diplomat, Giovanni Stanchini, reported from Fontainebleau in France to Cardinal Farnese “that the King meant to condemn the Queen and an aunt of hers who helped her, to perpetual prison.”

We do not know how Stanchini came by this information, or what happened (if anything) to change the King’s mind about the Queen’s fate. A theme I was unable to develop in the novel, because it was written entirely from Katheryn’s viewpoint, was the possibility that Henry VIII did not want her to die. He had loved her so much, and his grief went so deep, that he may have balked or wavered about having her executed. He was lenient in his treatment of her: he did not send her to the Tower while her offenses were investigated, but to the dissolved abbey of Syon. He did not immediately deprive her of the status of queen, which he did only after her affair with Culpeper came to light. It was said that “he would bear the blow more patiently and compassionately and would show more patience and mercy than many might think—a good deal more tenderly even than [Katheryn’s] own relations wished.” He was unusually merciful in commuting Culpeper’s sentence—this was a privilege customarily extended only to peers of the realm. He kept six of the jewels Katheryn had worn; they had perhaps been her favorites. But the reformist radicals who dominated the Council and had brought down the Howards at a stroke were not about to collude in their restoration. Under the pretext of sparing Henry pain, they took charge of the investigation with zealous, unremitting thoroughness and a studied determination to find evidence of adultery. The Council carried out the investigation on its own, with the King sanctioning further action as necessary. Having raged against Katheryn in Council, then broken down in tears, Henry removed himself from the investigation, “with no company but musicians and ministers of pastime.” In his grief, he refused to deal with business, which allowed his councillors a free hand. He did not order that Katheryn be tried in court, but referred the matter to Parliament. In a speech to Parliament, Lord Chancellor Audley “aggravated the Queen’s misdeeds to the utmost,” as did everyone else involved in the investigation of her offenses. The councillors’ insistence on not publicly mentioning the precontract with Dereham, “which might serve for her defense,” shows how determined the reformist faction was to bring down the Queen. An annulment was not enough, for there remained the risk that Henry’s anger and grief would abate to the point where he was ready to forgive his erstwhile darling. In Parliament, the Lord Chancellor expressed Henry’s concern that Katheryn “had not liberty to clear herself.” After she was condemned, “the King, wishing to proceed more humanely, and more according to forms of law, sent to her certain councillors and others of the said Parliament, to propose to her to come to the Parliament chamber to defend herself,” which was unusual in the attainder process. “It would be most acceptable to her most loving consort if the Queen could clear herself in this way.” Clearly, the lords were aware that the King was hoping she would do so. Giovanni Stanchini had heard that Henry “meant to condemn the Queen to perpetual prison.” The Imperial ambassador, Eustache Chapuys, wondered: “Perhaps, if the King does not mean to marry again, he may show mercy to her or, if he find that he can divorce her on the plea of adultery, he may take another thus.”

The unreliable “Spanish Chronicle” (perhaps not so unreliable in this case) stated: “The King would have liked to save the Queen and behead Culpeper, but all his Council said, ‘Your Majesty should know that she deserves to die, as she betrayed you in thought and, if she had had an opportunity, would have betrayed you in deed.’ So the King ordered that they should both die.” At the time of Katheryn’s fall, Henry would not hear of taking another wife, possibly because he could not come to terms with her loss. He was unlikely, at his age and in his state of health, to find again the kind of love he had enjoyed with her; all he now had to look forward to were encroaching illness, old age, and death. Understandably, his councillors might well have feared that he would relent and take her back. Petitioning Henry not to “vex himself with the Queen’s offense” and to give the royal assent to the Bill of Attainder by letters patent under his great seal, so that the Lord Chancellor could expedite matters in the King’s name, reflects a determination on the part of the councillors that their master should have little opportunity to relent, and that the Queen must die, “specially because the King could not marry again while she lives.” The lords were already begging and urging him to marry again, doubtless hoping he would take a reformist bride, which he in fact would do in 1543, when he married his sixth wife, Katharine Parr. The lords had their way. Katheryn died, and the King lifted no finger to save her." ~ Author's Note from KATHERINE HOWARD: THE SCANDA QUEEN by Alison Weir

Alison Weir's series of the six wives of Henry VIII have been delightful reads. But none in her series has been so captivating and heartbreaking as Katherine Howard: The Scandalous Queen. What she does for Katherine is something many of us have been yearning to see in popular media. The closest history buffs got to see of an honest and heartfelt portrayal of Henry's rose without a thorn was in the BBC 1972 movie "Henry VIII and his Six Wives" with Lynne Frederick as the doomed queen. Yet even with her outstanding performance, pop culture remained adamant in reducing Katherine to nothing other than a vainglorious, mean girl. Alison Weir's novel is an in depth character study that makes her more real to us than any previous depictions of her in fiction.

Moreover, she's honest in her portrayal of these real life figures, particularly her prime subject, Katherine Howard. Some historians and novelists make bold inferences to fill in the gaps while others prefer not to take any stand. Alison Weir is one of those rare historians that takes a (much needed) middle ground. It is somewhere in the middle, amidst all the wild theories surrounding the reasons for Katherine's licentiousness behavior and upbringing where the truth lies hidden, waiting to be uncovered.

When it comes to the latter, some will argue that she was no innocent kitten and got what was coming to her while others go to the other extreme and seek to exculpate her from everything she's accused. Regardless of where the truth lays, it is undeniable that Henry's young consort was the less prepared of all his consorts to her royal position. Yet, as Weir shows in her novel, she was fast adapting to her new role as Henry's wife, stepmother to his youngest children, and royal hostess. Besides her charity to Margaret Pole, Countess of Salisbury, there are other examples of kind gesture where she didn't think twice about using her position to help others. But as it often happens in these real life twisted fairy tales, she became caught in a web of religious and factional politics. Her end was tragic, made even more so when it came to Henry's indecision to sign her death warrant and afterwards, her acceptance of it.

As seen in her author's note, Weir shows a deep respect to her subjects. It is not just Katherine Howard that gets a fair treatment. Everyone else in her novel are given their fair dues.

It is for these reasons that makes this an essential read for every history buff and aspiring historian.

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEW: The Archived by Victoria Schwab!

My Rating: ⭐️⭐️/5

Age Recommendation: 14+

Genres: Paranormal, Romance, Grief, Family

Release Date: January 22nd, 2013

Add this book to your TBR on Goodreads here.

You can read my other reviews here, here, here and here.

This review may contain unintended spoilers.

___

The Archived by Victoria Schwab has been sitting on my TBR shelves for years. I’d heard great things about it from coworkers and other fans of the author, so I was excited to finally include it in my TBR for December. While it wasn’t horrible and the ending was pretty great, the book as a whole was not at all what I was anticipating. In a weird way, I was anticipating something completely different from what I actually got and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Brace yourself--my brain is all over the place with this review. 

Mackenzie inherited the key to being a keeper from her grandfather, Da. As a keeper, she has a responsibility to make sure that the Histories (the memories, or soul-like beings of those who’ve passed) who’ve awakened from the Archive are returned to the white light. But something is happening in that in-between world. Something dangerous. And as Mackenzie and her family adapt to a new life in a new place, and recover from a grief of their own, she will have to navigate the twisting halls of her in-between world and her own emotions. As her lies grow, a new friendship will form and new truths will come to light. But the most important question is this: who is waking the Histories?

I have gone back and forth on what to rate this book. It wasn’t the worst book I’ve read, but it wasn’t the best either. Despite it being different from what I expected, it still took me a while to really get into the story. The first page featured some beautiful writing and even a quote I really like: “You’re standing beside me with a cigarette and an accent full of smoke” (Scwabb 1). But as the book progressed, I noticed that this narrative is sprinkled throughout the book and I don’t think I liked it beyond the prologue. I know it helps the reader with understanding Mackenzie’s past and even bleeds into the present events really well, but a lot of the times it just felt jarring. If a story is really hard for me to get into, the last thing I need is something that will take me out of the storyline again and again. 

My favourite character of the book, to get on a more positive note, wasn’t Mackenzie, but the guy she meets at her new apartment building. Wesley, a new friend, is witty and he has a knack for dominating any scene he’s in. If there was a series about his character, I’d be all over it. He helped carry this book and honestly, I looked forward to their interactions. He reminded me of those guys who look edgy, but are actually the sweetest and most supportive people you will ever meet. He was great and to be honest, he was one of the best things about this book.

Imagine my surprise, however, at having just read the synopsis now (because I don’t read it before I read the book) and seeing that Wesley isn’t mentioned in the original synopsis (which you can read on Goodreads.) I don’t know what to say about the original synopsis because while it is intriguing and definitely captures the attention of future readers, it comes off as being so...philosophical. Given the storyline, this makes sense, but I don’t know. After having read the book, something just feels off about that synopsis. I feel like it paints a specific picture in my head and what I read in the book is completely different. 

But I’m being really picky with The Archived and it’s honestly my fault for expecting so much from it. 

Another memorable aspect of the book is the struggle that Mackenzie and her parents deal with as they come to terms with their grief. After the death of the youngest member of the family, Mackenzie and her parents are forever changed. The emotion is palpable and having dealt with grief many times in the past, I appreciated the honest and raw emotion behind the portrayal of the family’s loss.

I’m trying to be as honest as possible with this review, while still being professional. I don’t understand the hype behind The Archived. I fell asleep countless times while reading the book and had to force myself to continue because it was the first book of the month and because it held enough of a control over me that I wanted to read more. Sadly, as the story progressed, I slowly lost that enthusiasm that gripped me when I saw that quote on the first page of the book. 

The ending of The Archived was great, but even that is marred by the fact that Wesley isn’t mentioned in the synopsis. I don’t know if I’ll read the sequel. It’s sitting on my shelves as I type this out and I’m having major thoughts about it. 

Also, I want to mention that I really disliked the love interest in this book. It was kind of creepy how it all happened and how Mackenzie was so quick to trust. It added this uncomfortable air to the story that I didn’t find necessary. I think the main lesson to take from the situation was about how lonely and vulnerable Mackenzie is, but it could have been done so much better. I don’t know how to go into detail about this without it being spoilery, so I’ll leave that there. 

Let me conclude this all-over-the-place review with this: The story itself wasn’t bad, it was just slow and boring. Maybe it’s because it’s been nearly a month since I’ve read this book, or because I’m not on cloud nine about this author anymore, but while I left The Archived feeling tired at the beginning of December, now I’m writing this review with a vague sense of disappointment. I know many others enjoyed this book a lot more than I did and I’m happy that’s the case!

Happy reading!

P.S. Have you read this book? Would you recommend it?

[katehuntington]

How You & I Will Be - part four

Fandom: Supernatural Timeframe: mid-season 2 Main characters: Reader, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Pairing: Dean x Reader, Sam & Reader (friends) Series summary: When a hellhound case in the mountains goes sideways, Dean and Y/N find themselves trapped in a small cabin, miles from civilization. A serious injury forces the two hunters to come to terms with their true feelings for each other. Rescue is on its way, but will it be in time? Warnings part four: angst, pining, fluff, swearing, alcohol, description of blood and injury, possible character death, saying goodbye, all the tears.  Word Count:  3926 words Author’s note: Part 4 of a 5 part mini-series.  @idreamofhazel and @littlegreenplasticsoldier, thank you so much for being awesome betas! Hold on to something, because it’s gonna get dark and sad. Tissues are mandatory.

Find the ‘How You & I Will Be’ masterlist here!

     Unlike the raging blizzard that is whirling around the cabin outside, inside it’s completely quiet. The flames in the fireplace have died down to a few glowing chunks of charcoal, barely breathing. Dean settled against the wall hours ago and hasn’t moved since; Y/N fell asleep against his chest this afternoon and has been out of it for most of the time. And so he watches the lighting of the scenery change outside as sun goes down and the night comes in, washing dark clouds through the valley.       It has been three days since the hellhounds attacked her. Not allowing himself to sleep has him exhausted, but Dean refuses to let his guard down. He has to stay on watch, he has to keep going. Maybe if he keeps fighting, she’ll be able to hold on, too.

     His arm is wrapped around her, his cheek on her hair. The leftover moonshine keeps him company, comforting him whenever he lets the liquor burn his throat. He was able to contact Sam through the satellite phone again. His smart little brother found a ritual to send the hounds back to the doghouse, but getting his hands on the exotic ingredients has been a challenge. Several hunters are pitching in; Bobby, Ellen and Jo are all working around the clock. But when he glances down at the woman they are all desperately trying to save, he hopes it will be enough. He lets out a worried and shuddering sigh after registering the paleness of her skin and the shallowness of her breath.

     In his entire life he prayed once or twice, maybe. When he was little he would ask God to bring his mom back, but he grew up quick enough to understand that he could pray all he wanted, his mother was never coming home. Today he prayed, though. He begged the man upstairs not to take her, to give her a chance.

     But her condition is getting worse. The infection has caused blood poisoning, by the looks of it. Her fever spiked even higher few hours ago, causing restless dreams and hallucinations. Sometimes she is so far off that she mistakes him for her father. She cries for him, for her mom, too. She told him she was sorry about a hundred times, Dean can’t figure out what she meant. But damn, Y/N is putting up one hell of a fight. 

     ‘I’m not gonna die, I’m not gonna die, I’m not gonna die!’ 

     She keeps repeating it as if she’s trying to scare the reaper away. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise him if one is already lurking in the corner of the room, like a vulture waiting for the wounded animal to die. The bastard can wait all he wants, Dean can still feel her chest rise and fall, he can feel her shiver. He can feel the intense heat coming from her clammy skin. She’s alive, and again Dean closes his eyes and rests the back of his head against the wood, letting another weary breath slip from his lips.

     God, please…. Please, let her win this fight. I’m begging you here, okay? I’m on my knees, I’ll do everything you ask. Please, just this one time…

     As if it’s a sign from above, the satellite phone rings. Startled, Dean opens his eyes and stares at the piece of equipment laying a few feet away from him. Y/N stirs for a moment, awakened by the beeping sound, but he is able to slip his arm from behind her back and gets up without disturbing her any further. In three big strides he’s next to the phone, picks it up and presses the green button.      “Sam?”      “Dean, hey.”      Relieved, the oldest Winchester places one hand on his hip and stares through the window into the dark night. It’s always good to hear his brother’s voice, especially in desperate times like these.  “Tell me you’ve got something.”      His words come out with a tremble in his voice he didn’t mean to be audible. But his brother heard it nonetheless. “I do. We got all the ingredients and Bobby is lifting the curse as we speak.”

     During the following silence, Dean can hear the soft chanting of his surrogate father in the background. A sigh of relief escapes his lips and he silently thanks the man upstairs. But then Sam’s tone dawns on him. The words weren’t cheery or excited, not relieved like you would expect from the bringer of good news. Before Dean can ask about the downside, his brother continues.      “How is she doing?” he wonders. “Did she get worse?”      Dean turns around to observe Y/N’s unconscious figure leaning against the wall. He swallows thickly when he notices her grey skin tone, the dark shadows under her eyes, her lips pale and dry. He has seen it before, on the faces of hunters and victims whenever the monsters got to them before the Winchesters could. It’s as if the skull illuminates through the skin, eyes sunken in their sockets slightly more. The face of death. Dean turns away, having trouble to accept what is right under his nose.      “She’s on the verge, Sammy,” he speaks softly, trying to stay strong.

     “There’s a rescue team on standby in the valley, but they won’t be able to make a move until dawn, and that is if the storm passes,” the youngest Winchester breaks to him, as gently as possible. “It might take until tomorrow evening before we can reach you.”      Dean gulps, witnessing the bad weather outside. The realisation that Mother Nature might be a major deal-breaker sinks in and Sam can hear a trace of panic when his brother objects.      “No.” Dean shakes his head stubbornly. “No, no, no. She needs help right now. What about a chopper?”      “They don’t fly during blizzards like these.”      “A snowmobile then,” he thinks out loud, pacing back and forth. “How long will it take if you hike up this fucking piece of rock?!”      “Even if we manage to reach you guys on foot, she will never survive the way back in her condition. It’s fifteen degrees outside, winds blowing over 70 miles per hour…”      “Well dammit, Sam! There must be something!”

     Dean turns around, pinching the bridge of his nose with his eyes squeezed shut. He glances over at her for a second, making sure she is still asleep, but Y/N has barely moved since he picked up the phone. He knows his little brother heard the desperation in his voice. He knows how this looks, but he can’t accept it. He can’t allow it.      “Bobby contacted a witch he owes, maybe she’ll be able to tame the weather. But it’s gonna take a couple of hours at least.…”      “She doesn’t have that much time, Sam. I-I don’t think she’s.…”      The line cracks a little when silence is the only thing that remains between the brothers. Dean presses his trembling lips together as he fight the tears, but he’s unable to continue. He doesn’t need to finish his sentence for Sam to get where he’s going. It takes a while before either of them speaks.

     “Dean, listen to me...” Sam says eventually, his voice broken too, “you’ve got to tell her.”      The older brother stares outside the window, watching the wind taunt the snow, shooting it across the night sky like razors. The fact that Sam doesn’t tell him that it’s going to be just fine, but instead chooses to offer advice on how to handle the final hours, states the obvious.      “No. Maybe if I don’t, she’ll be able to keep throwing punches,” he refuses, the words coming out shaky.       “That’s not what I’m talking about,” Sam rephrases. “You need to tell her what we talked about in the car. You have to tell her that you’re in love with her.”

     Again, silence as Dean bites his lip, moving the speaker away from his mouth slightly to make sure Sam doesn’t pick up on his quivering breath.      “If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life,” he pressures. “She deserves to know the truth.”      “She’s dying, Sam. I don’t think she wants to listen to some dude pouring his heart out. This isn’t about me,” Dean responds somewhat agitated.      “You are not just ‘some dude’ to her, Dean! You have no idea, do you?”      He can hear his younger brother sigh on the other side before he continues.  “You’re not the only one I had long night conversations with. It’s a two way street, man.”

     Struck by realization, Dean stares into the storm, eyes wide, mouth slightly opened. Is Sam telling him that this profound feeling is mutual? Sure, a part of him hoped it was. But living a hunter’s life didn’t allow him to feel that way. Sometimes he picked up on something, but he always thought of it as harmless flirting. Besides, she knows him. She knows him better than any girl he has ever come across. She knows about his inability to cope with sorrow and loss. She saw him wreck the trunk of his own car with a crowbar after his father’s death. She knows about the drinking, the urge to hit the liquor cabinet every time life gets rough. She knows about the many, many women, a girl in every town they passed through. He put her through silent-treatment, he raged at her when she confronted him with his habit to stuff up all his pain, grief and anger. How could she possibly love him back?        “She’s in love with me?” he whispers in disbelief.      “Yeah, head over heels,” Sam acknowledges. “She couldn’t stop talking about it.”       Stunned, Dean runs his hand down his face, a mix of emotions knocking him over. If only he had known, maybe they could have made it work. Maybe, just maybe, they could have had something beautiful.       “It would mean the world to her, Dean. Tell her.”      He nods, even though Sam can’t see it.      “Alright, I will.”      A trace of a small smile forms on the corners of his mouth. He never knew he could feel so conflicted. Intense joy opposite an even greater grief. He only just became aware of her feelings for him and he’ll barely have time to act upon it.             “I’m so sorry, Dean,” Sam continues, sadder than a moment ago. “I really hoped you wouldn’t have to live through this.”       Jessica Moore, the love of Sam’s life. She pops into Dean’s mind instantly. He met her once, when he broke into their home in the middle of the night to he pick up his little brother up and search for their father. The way Sam looked at her was almost foreign to him, Dean didn’t understand any of it. He sure does now. He also understands Sam’s desperate attempt to save her when Jess was burning on the ceiling. If anyone can relate to how defeated, hopeless and scared Dean feels right now, it’s his brother.      “I know,” he sighs, appreciating his sympathy.

     He turns away from the icy window to face her again. She stirs, restless by a fever-dream, but then she wakes up. Confused eyes scan the room for her companion. When they focus on him standing by the window, she settles. Not for long, though, because his facial aspects are almost out of character. Tears are shimmering on his bottom eyelashes, eyes filled with desperation. The always optimistic Dean Winchester, who counters every problem with either a joke or another way out, is looking at her as if the world is about to come crashing down. He still has the satellite phone pressed against his ear and she realizes it’s probably Sam on the other side. It’s then when it clicks in her mind and she understands what’s going on.      “Bad news, huh?” she presumes, voice raspy.

Dean opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. The single tear that was still clinging to his eyelid comes down his cheek. It’s impossible for him to lie to her as he intended. She would see right through the deceit anyway, having the ability to read him like a book. Dean bites his tongue to keep back the false promises, his jaw flexing in the process. Not trusting his voice, he nods as he swallows apprehensively. Without words he is able to explain exactly what is happening. He would have given anything to tell her otherwise.

     Y/N breaks her gaze away from him, her mouth slightly opened as it starts to sink in what this means: no one is coming to save her. Her breath hitches in her throat when she tries to breathe in deeply and she identifies it as panic immediately. ‘Calm down, slow breaths, you got this’, she tells herself.       In all fairness, she saw it coming. Even when Dean remained hopeful, she felt the life slipping through her fingers. Her body has been whispering it in her ear, so has her common sense.      “Is that Sam?” she ask softly.      Again Dean nods and she reaches out for the phone. He hands it to his partner, after which he turns away and runs his hand down his face, wiping away the tears.

     “Sammy, you there?”      Immediately, her voice calling out for his brother, calling him Sammy, causes Dean to tear up again. No one calls Sam that, the youngest Winchester would stubbornly correct those who dare to use that nickname. Except for Dean, except for her. That’s how much she’s like family to the brothers.      “Hey Y/N, it’s good to hear your voice,” Sam replies, having trouble keeping a steady tone. “Hanging in there?”       “You know me; not going down without a fight,” she forces a smile, wearing her mask well.       Dean has walked away slowly, his arms crossed in front of his chest. When he reaches the fireplace he leans against the warm stone shaft that runs up to the roof. He waits, listening, while trying to figure out how to deal the inevitable.        “...So there’s no way you can reach us in time?” she asks, after listening to Sam’s explanation.      “Y/N, I-I’m so sorry.…” Sam’s voice breaks.      She nods, her eyes watering. “It’s okay, Sam. You did everything you could.”      The one who is about to die, comforting the one who will live. It’s heartbreaking at least and Sam is touched by her attempt.      “Who’s gonna watch Breaking Bad with me, huh?” Sam smiles, taking a little trip down Memory Lane in order to lighten the mood.       “The big question is who’s gonna be my partner in crime in Vegas upstairs. I can’t count cards without my personal Einstein,” she chuckles through the sadness.       It remains quiet for a few long seconds as both search for things to say. It’s the youngest Winchester who speaks first. His message is as sincere as they come.      “I’m gonna miss you so, so much.”

     Sam doesn’t mean to, but his words hit so hard, that she crumbles. The curtain falls and so do the tears. Her eyes seek Dean, who is watching her having one last conversation with her best friend. He knows that the dam is about to break, so he approaches her slowly and crouches down to level with the girl he cares for so much. Even though he is having a hard time himself, he puts a hand on her shoulder and squeezes it lightly, letting her know he’s right there.      “I’ll miss you too,” she responds, her voice quavering. “Do me a favor, will ya? Take care of your brother for me?”      Dean looks up and away, anything but in her eyes, because he knows it will destroy him. The knot in his stomach tightens and fresh tears roll down his face anyway. Breathing gets a little tougher, a constraint in his chest builds up. God, this hurts.      “I will. You have my word,” Sam promises, unable to tie his emotions down.      “Bye, Sammy.”      “See you again, Y/N.”

     Despite the tears glistening in her eyes, she smiles. Y/N cherishes the moment, then lets the air flow from your mouth and presses the red button. Dean takes the phone from her hand and lays it on the floor next to him, then faces the woman who has his heart. Numb and drained she stares at the fireplace that is barely spreading light anymore. The final words she just exchanged with Sam forces her to face the facts. God, she’s scared. She doesn’t want to die, not after everything that she missed out on saying.      “I fucked up, Dean,” she whimpers.       “Hey, now why would you say that?” he wonders, trying to read her.       “I should’ve done things differently. I- I should’ve lived more, should’ve had more fun, worked less, maybe for once listened to that ticker in my chest,” she pauses, catching her breath when panic causes her to ramble. “It’s just that - that now my time is up, it becomes so clear how bad I fucked up. I just, I wish I….”

     The words flow out together with soft sobs until she can’t continue anymore, so he hushes her softly. Where in the past Dean would have hit the breaks the moment he felt the urge to show affection past the borders of a platonic relationship, he does the exact opposite this time. Dean takes her hand in his, letting their fingers entwine with each other. Somewhat surprised Y/N casts her gaze down at their hands, then up into Dean’s eyes. His touch sends a warm sensation up her arm and spreads through her entire body. God, does it feel wonderful. A warmth she didn’t think she’d feel again since the approach of the end has left her feeling stone cold. It’s only now that she notices how he leans into her, until his forehead rests against hers. A quivering sigh leaves her lips as she squeezes her eyes shut, moved by his tenderness.

     After some time, she whispers, “You know what?”        She creates a little distance, cupping his face and rubbing her thumb through his scruff. His pupils bounce between hers, taking in every feature. For a second her eyes light up, ignited by the connection between the two of them.      “Of all the people, dead or alive, that I could spend my final moments with, I’m glad it’s you,” she says, contented. “I want you to know that I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

     A smile spreads across Dean’s face, creating lines that tell exactly how much those words mean to him. She mirrors his expression as he reaches up to sweep her hair from her face, then traces her jawline with his fingertips. The look that he gives her is unlike any gaze he’s given her before, because this time, he doesn’t hold back. 

     Dean leans in, inching closer and about to do the one thing he has been longing for.      “I should have done this a long time ago.”      He kisses her, in the most loving, gentle and yet passionate way possibly imaginable. Only now he realizes how desperate he was for this moment, how long he waited. How long he kept torturing himself by convincing his heart with his mind that he could never have her, that she would never love him.

     Y/N lets it wash over her and returns this symbol of his love by pulling him deeper into the kiss with the little strength that she has left. Dean takes his sweet time to let her feel how much she means to him, his lips lingering on hers. Then he slowly breaks the connection, cherishing the moment as he rests his forehead against hers. His  eyes remain closed, but eventually he allows himself to gaze at the universe in her eyes. Overcome she stares back, witnessing a shade of green somewhere between hidden rainforest and soothing emerald. Suddenly, she feels it. An urge, the words on the tip of her tongue waiting for her mouth to open. Of course she’s scared of rejection, of the aftermath, but she doesn’t let it win. No, for once she says exactly what her heart tells her to say. Then the one man who she never expected to say it out loud, beats her to it.

     “I love you, y’know that?”      Stunned she stares at him, tears welling up again.      She didn’t know.      She hoped, she dreamed, but she didn’t know. God, she wishes she knew! She would have spent her time differently, she would have stayed by his side every minute, every second. She would have been more careful.  She would have told him how much she loves him so many times that maybe one day he might even start loving himself instead of remaining hateful for the wrongs and mistakes he made. Now might be a good time to let him know. Better late than never.       “I love you, too,” she tells him.

     The realization of being loved is a beautiful thing to witness. The moment of disbelief, then astonishment, followed by a gratitude that grows to a volume that causes his eyes to pour over. It’s astounding that despite the grim future, he is able to shed a few tears of happiness. She loves him, how amazing is that?      “We’ve got piss poor timing, though,” he remarks, making her chuckle.

     The comment was meant to be funny, to bring back that bright smile and those bright eyes once more. It works, but then it also states the awful truth. This story barely began and it’s already coming to an end. And so her smile fades as she comes back down from her cloud. The rush of her amazing moment with Dean was coursing through her body like ecstasy, but its effect fade fast. It’s beginning to sink in how exhausted she truly is, how much of an effort it is just to sit upright. Breathing is becoming a mission and the pain from her leg has spread through her entire body.      “I could use that drink right now,” she says, hinting at the bottle of moonshine.

     ‘Let's disinfect that wound first and get desperate later, okay?’ That was Dean’s response when she asked for the drink last night. That they’re desperate would be an understatement, so with a little reluctance he hands her the liquor.      Letting her drink the alcohol feels like giving up in a way, but he helps her take a sip nonetheless when she is unable to heave the bottle to her mouth on her own. Just a sip is all it takes to trigger a cough.      “It’s not Jack…” she admits. “But it’ll do.”      Dean sets the bottle down and scoots up against the wall next to her, slipping his arm behind her back. Tired, she rests her head against his chest after he pulls her close. His steady heartbeat drums against her ear as he caresses her shoulder. It feels so good to finally let her guard down around Dean, to be close to him without having to be afraid to show too much affection.

     “I don’t want this to end,” she whispers.      Dean nuzzles his nose in her hair, trying to comfort her with his touch. She can’t see, though, that he has closed his eyes, trying to prevent himself from falling apart.       “Me neither,” he responds, his voice soft. “We still have some time, right?”       She nods, weakened, although she can’t say for sure if ‘some time’ can be expressed in hours or minutes.

Oh, boy... I know, it hurts. If you wanna rant, cry or scream at me, go right ahead and hit up my inbox. Stay tuned for the finale soon!

Read the final part here!

Follow forever:

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How You & I Will Be tag: @deanwnchstr @parkeret @professionalspnfangirl @tmiships4life

[natsthinkitythinkthinkthonk]

Anime Recommendations for Cthuturu

My great pal @cthuturu recommended some anime, so I decided to post a list! You know, just in case anyone else wants to watch it.

Action:

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood 

You don’t need to watch the original. This one is the canon timeline, and it’s purely based off the manga. It’s a classic, and it’s the highest rated anime on a whole lot of anime sites. This was one of the first anime I watched, so I don’t remember it too well, but I remember really enjoying it.

Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic 

Sequel: Magi: The Kingdom of Magic Spinoff: Magi: Sinbad no Bouken (you don’t need to watch this one)

This one actually was the first official anime that I watched beside some dubbed Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh. It set the standard of anime I watched pretty high, but I found myself laughing a ton and enjoying it. It’s not as action-driven as a lot of shounen though since they do play into a more political and adventurous background at times. But this story is about a perverted kid, Aliboob the guy who can’t get his life together and cries a little too often (like Deku), and one kick girl.

Kyoukai no Kanata

Beware: This contains romance

It’s goe the cutesy elements of Kyoto Animation, but it’s got action too. 

Noragami 

Sequel: Noragami OVA, Noragami Aragato, Noragami Aragato OVA (in that order)

Beware: This one does contain romance elements

This one is really funny too, and it’s about some slacker god who is down on his luck of being a god. 

My Hero Academia

Sequel: Season Two, Three, and Four (S4 is coming in September) Side story: OVAs

Because if you haven’t watched it, you should go do that.

One Punch Man

If you liked Mob Psycho 100, you might like this one. Season two is coming out soon. 

No. 6

Beware: This one contains romance elements

But I found those romance elements to be secondary to the show’s actual plot because if I were to choose between the setting of post-apocalyptic chaos vs romance, I’d say the first is far more dominant.

Slice of Life:

Kimi to Boku

Beware: Contains the occasional romance elements

I say this because nobody ends up being canon, their lives are a mundane humdrum, and I enjoyed that it was a friendship driven show. It’s about bros being bros and living out life. You’ve got the twins (who I still can’t tell apart), the feminine one, the glasses nerd, and the foreign loud one.

Gin no Saji

Beware: Contains romance elements

It’s basically about a farming school. It also touches on the values of people and their goals that sometimes aren’t reached and how to recover from failure. But really, it’s just a fun show. This is from the creator of Fullmetal Alchemist.

Barakamon

This is about the antics of a bunch of kids and a self-centred calligraphy guy who originally just wants to get better at his craft but eventually gets roped into the activities of everyday life.

Hinamatsuri

This one is about a yakuza essentially adopting some random esper girl who landed in his apartment. If you liked Mob Psycho 100, you’ll probably like this one.

Violet Evergarden

Edit: they put this where the hinamatsuri gif was, and I almost lost it. HAHAHA

Beware: Death mention

A former cold-hearted soldier tries to discover the meaning of love while writing letters for others. Apparently, it’s quite sad.

Anohana

Beware: Contains romance elements; heavy death mention; can be interpreted as sad

This one is about a girl who died and comes back as a ghost and tries to haunt her former friend group back together since they can’t overcome the grief of their loss. It represents the importance of life and just how much a person can mean to someone else.

Natsume Yuujinchou

It’s about a guy and his cat trying to relieve spirits. It’s a little episodic, but there are orders to the thing. But they’re literally called, “Natsume Yuujinchou San/Go/etc.” which are basically numbers, so I probably don’t need to go over what order they go in.

Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun

I’m not calling this a romance because if you wanted some good canon romance, you should’ve gone somewhere else. Nobody ends up with anyone, life is a mess, and how did these characters end up where they are? It’s really funny.

Danshi Koukousei no Nichijou

The humour is hit and miss, but this is usually a recommendation for people finished Nichijou which is a far better-known slice of life comedy. This one is centred around boys and their antics though.

Angel Beats

Warning: Contains romance elements; heavy death mention

They’re all dead. What can I say? It’s oddly funny for a series about dead people, but some people do find it sad.

Violet Evergarden

Romance:

I think I recall them saying that they don’t like romance because of the singleness in life, but I will still put these down here in case they ever change their mind.

Toradora

It’s about two people trying to get into a relationship with each other’s friend. It’s also one of the best romance anime I’ve watched to date.

Akagami no Shirayuki-hime

This one is purely cheese and sugary sweetness. It is a modern adaptation of a fairy tale romance featuring a red-haired (more like pinkish red) Shirayuki (Snow White), a white-haired prince and his retainers, and some scrub they picked off the street that has no eyebrows.

Wotakoi

It’s about two forever alone friends trying to be in a relationship.

Ouran High School Host Club

Some person broke an expensive vase and now has to pay back the debt by working at the host club even though she’s biologically female.

Chuunibyou demo Koi ga Shitai

Chuuni is a term used for people who like to act like fictional characters in real life. It’s also an adorable anime.

Tamako Love Story

This one is also pure cheese and sugar. You can watch Tamako Market first, but this is also an independent movie if you take out all the parts with the fat bird in it. That sounds weird without context.

Your Lie in April

This is one of the most popular romance anime out there, and it’s really nice. I would highly recommend it.

Seishun Buta Yarou

People usually recommend the Monogatari series after this one, but this one is far easier to watch and easier to navigate since it doesn’t have a bunch of seasons and movies. It’s about a plain guy solving these girls’ problems.

Tsurezure Children

A bunch of people try to find their own romances but end up having a lot of odd situations along the way.

Movie:

Anthem of the Heart

This does contain romance being hinted, but they never show it on-screen. This movie is about a girl with anxiety being cursed by an egg. I kid you not, an egg.

A Silent Voice

Beware: contains suicide and bullying

Besides the warnings above, this movie is a coming of age tale about a boy who seeks redemption after bullying a girl when they were younger. It brings up the question of whether a man can ever truly redeem his sins.

Your Name

This one is about body-swapping and a lot of switching between two characters: a city boy and a country girl. They each try to live each other’s lives. I’m planning on watching this one again on Sunday.

The Boy and the Beast

This one is about a boy who ends up being mentored by a beast. Uh... besides that, it’s just easier to watch than for me to explain terribly (but isn’t that the case for all of these?)

Other Anime that I Haven’t Watched (Moe stuff):

K-On

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

Hibike Euphonium

Non Non Biyori

Sora yori mo Tooi Basho

Love Live

Lucky Star

Azumanga Daioh

Yuru Camp