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3amgirlpoetry · 7 months ago

Text

Right outside your door

Olivia Benson x Elliot Stabler one shot

Set in season 7 after “fault”

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Elliot wanted to go talk to her, he needed to. But everyone had told him if he didn't give her some space, things between them would only get worse.

So for the first time in the seven years he had known her, Elliot was hesitant to go knock her door.

How could things between them possibly get any worse though? She was completely ignoring his existence.

He was spiraling, everyone around him knew it.

And Dammit those nightmares, he had been having the same reoccurring nightmares since the day he found out she left, nightmares about losing her entirely, not just from his life but from the the entire world.

They were based around what almost happened a few weeks ago.

What he couldn't bare to even think about.

And the more time passed without seeing her, the more vividly they played out and the more real they began to feel.

It was terrifying.

And so embarrassing, he's stronger than this. Elliot Stabler doesn't wake up panicking from nightmares. My gosh, that didn't even happen when he had PTSD from the military.

It didn't happen after any traumatizing case, and there were so many of them he had lost count.

What was this woman doing to him?

~~~

Flashes of Olivia's lifeless body on the cold floor, played out in his mind. her eyes rolling in the back of her head, blood gushing everywhere, her face turning white, his hand feeling for a pulse that was gone.

Flashes of his partner bleeding out in front of him.

Each time he had that same nightmare, he always woke up right before he blurted out the three words, he only ever allowed his mind to say in that split second he thought he was losing her.

"Olivia, don't go I.."

~~~

It was now a quarter after midnight and Elliot yet again, was swimming in a pool of his own sweat, gasping for air.

Crying out her name.

"Dad"

No response.

"Dad"

"No response."

"DAD!" The voice echoed much louder than before, julting him awake.

"Ahh, what!? He gasped nearly falling off the bed.

"Dad, you're scaring me, what the hell was that about?" Kathleen questioned, her voice laced with confusion.

"Kathleen?" His eyes wandered around the room trying to make out his surroundings. "What are you doing here?"

She raised her brow at him, "Do you not remember?"

"You picked me up from Trevor's house because, his dad was making me uncomfortable, I had to beg you not to kill him.. we went to denny's afterwards?" she went on, trying to jog his memory.

This was weird, it had only been a few hours and he didn't remember how she got there?

Elliot stared off into space, trying to remember the events his daughter just described to him, but his body was still in fight or flight mode and his mind was foggy.

Finally, after an unusually long minute, things came back to him, and he could see the relief on Kathleen's face when he bellowed a loud "ohh." As he slowly came back to reality.

"You scared me dad, I thought you might have dementia or something."

He laughed lightly "No honey, not yet at least."

"Are you okay though?" she asked, that same expression returning to her face.

"Yeah, I'm fine honey." He tried to assure her, even though he knew she probably heard him screaming.

"Are you sur."

"Sweetheart, I said I'm fine."

His daughter wasn't convinced, she made her way to the side of his bed and pressed her hand to his forehead, "dad, you're covered in sweat that must've been quite the intense nightmare, do you have PTSD from what happened with Olivia?."

He visibly stiffened at the mention of her name, the nightmare still fresh, and his mind not exactly fully awake yet.

"What would make you think that?" He replied, hoping she wouldn't pry any further, his kids didn't need to be involved in this, he didn't want them to suspect anything strange when he didn't even know what was going on himself.

"Because you were screaming her name." she said, squinting her eyes at him in puzzlement.

"Was I? That's weird."

Kathleen crossed her arms and gave him a challenged look "Dad, come on, you might be a good liar at work but you'll always be a horrible one in your person life.. especially when you're talking to me."

"Honey, it's not something you need to worry about, I don't even know why I would say that."

"Your ears are red."

"What?"

"Your ears are red." She repeated, "your ears get red when you're lying."

"Kathleen, why don't you go to bed? don't you have school tomorrow."

"You should go talk to her." she blurted out, ignoring his last statement.

"Kathleen.." he warned.

But she didn't budge.

"Dad."

"Kathleen, seriously!"

"I'm serious dad! You should go talk to her, do you think I'm stupid? I know, I've known for years."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You heard me dad, I wasn't born yesterday, even if to you, it seems like I was, I'm a woman now, I've been one for a while, and we know things."

"Whatever you think you know, you can't know because, I don't even know." He babled in response, although what he said was true, he didn't know.

Or maybe he did know, but denial is a strong thing.

"I'm not saying you have to pour your heart out to her, but at least go apologize."

"I did! I left her a voicemail, I called her 30 times!" Now he was getting angry, he had to remind himself this was his daughter, and now was not the time to lose his temper.

"She'd rather hear you say it to her face, otherwise she's going to think you're just telling her what she wants to hear so she'll come to you."

Elliot looked at her with the up most puzzled expression before he replied, How would you know that? she's not a family member, you don't even know her."

"You're wrong dad, she's been like family to us for a long time."

And those words right there caused tears to well up in his eyes, his kids considered her family.

It was a weird dynamic.

But not one he was willing to just let go of.

She couldn't just never talk to him again.

Cus' as much as she thought of him as a stubborn son or a bitch, she was one too.

Kathleen was right he had to go to her.

"When did you get so mature?" he smiled at his daughter sadly.

She smiled back before evolving him as a hug.

"I wasn't born yesterday."

"Lovely." She mumbled to herself sarcastically before emerging out of bed and making her way to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face.

Suddenly she didn't feel the slightest bit tired anymore.

So instead of going back to bed when she saw the clock read 1:30AM she decided to go in the living room and watch tv.

Ugh, why did he have such a hold on her? It's like she couldn't escape him no matter what she did, not in her wake, not in her sleep. He was always on her mind, no matter how much she fought to get him out of it, he was still there.

And she wondered how long she could go on like this for. Ignoring him, declining his calls, revolving her life around trying to forget about him until the anger subsided enough that she could talk to him again, even though things would never be the same after this, and she couldn't expect them to be.

She didn't think it would be this hard, she knew it would be different, she knew it would hurt but not this much, nothing was the same anymore, nothing had been the same since Gitano.

It's not like she thought leaving was going to fix anything, but she didn't feel like she had any other choice.

There was no way to fix this.

Before Gitano, Olivia truly believed that nothing could break them apart, because it wasn't an easy job, they had their fair share of screaming contests when they disagreed on something, she slammed doors in his face more times than she'd like to admit, there were many ups and downs in their partnership, many times she swore she hated him and was sure he hated her back.

But when they went crashing down, they always came back to each other, every single time.

Until now.

She didn't know how to accept that Gitano, that case, very well might've ruined them for good, and there would be no coming back around this time.

She couldn't lose him, but she couldn't face him either.

Olivia was starting to realize, that though she was able to run, she wasn't able to hide.

But she couldn't face what she was feeling and she wasn't even sure she knew how to.

Trying to block out her thoughts Olivia began flipping through the channels, settling on a repeat of the bachelor, one of her favorite comfort shows. Though, nothing seemed to bring her much comfort these days.

And then came a knock on her door.

At first she thought it was the tv.

But then it happened again.

A knock she could recognize anywhere.

"Not now, my gosh, not now." she mumbled to herself.

By the 10th knock Elliot was growing impatient, he wasn't going to let her continue to ignore him, not when he drove over here, in the middle of the night, not when this had been the longest week of his life.

"Olivia! Olivia! I know you're in there!" He bellowed.

She didn't answer.

"Olivia, I can feel you thinking, you can't avoid me forever."

"Dammit Elliot, it's 2am." she uttered.

"Just let me in."

"No."

"Let me in!" He repeated.

" I said no!"

"Olivia for the love of god, what are we are five years old now? Just open the damn door."

And she was silent again.

"Olivia! Let me in."

Really? Now he chose to do this.

It was never going to be a good time.

Olivia made her way to the door but she still refused to open it, now standing beside the door, her forehead pressed against the wall, her hand dangerously close to the knob.

No, she wasn't doing this right now.

"Go home Elliot."

"Olivia, I swear to god if you don't open this door I'm going to bust in down."

He couldn't be serious.

"Try me and i'll sue you for breaking and entering."

"I have a key." He reminded her.

"You still have a key!"

"Just let me in."

"It’s not a good time."

"It's never going to be a good time Liv, but I need to freaking talk to you!"

He was just about to reach for the spare key when he heard her unlock the hinge.

"You got five minutes." She told him as she finally opened the door, blocking the entrance with her body.

God, she was beautiful and he couldn't help but stare, despite the fact that he was low key beginning to hate her for the games she was playing.

"Well hello to you too, aren't you going to let me in."

Olivia only crossed her arms in response, "Whatever it is, you can say from where you are."

He looked at her with a mixture of disbelief and anger before mocking her actions and crossing his arms as well. You've got to be kidding me Liv."

"I'm serious El, spit it out."

"Why are you acting like this?!"

"What are you talking about."

"I'm not playing along with your petty junior high games Olivia, I came here to talk to you now let me in." He demanded, catching her off guard when he pushed past her, making his way to her couch.

"What do you think you're doing?."

"I said we needed to talk." He stated, as if it was a demand.

"And I said it wasn't a good time."

"And I said it's never going to be a good time."

My god, he had a way of making her lose every ounce of patience she had in her.

"Then why are you here?!

"I said we needed to talk."

And for a good minute, they just stared at each other, neither willing to back down, neither willing to give in.

She saw everything in his eyes as they continued their stare off, the hurt, the betrayal, the regret, the sadness, the pain.

How dare he come here and try to make her feel bad? how dare he come here and look at her like that, like she ruined him.

~~~

Olivia was the first to break the silence, "Dammit Elliot what is the matter with you?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Oh really? Last time I checked I didn't show up at your place at 2am, banging on the door and yelling like I'm on fire." She shot back.

"No, you just quit and completely cut me out of your life without even so much as a text message." he quipped.

"I didn't cut you out of my life Elliot."

"Then why haven't I heard from you in an entire fucking week!" He yelled, emerging from the couch and beginning to pace the living room, Elliot had every intention of coming over to apologize, not to start a fight, but her stubbornness was too much and his anger was now overpowering the guilt he had been feeling.

Olivia stayed in place, not wanting to fight with him again, trying to calm herself before she lost it, he knew her every button and just now to push them. "I needed space! Did you really think I was going to ignore you forever? Really says a lot about how well you know me."

He laughed bitterly in response "You have no idea what you have put me through."

That was it.

Suddenly, it didn't matter if they fought she didn't care, she was enraged and she wasn't going to let him talk to her like that, not again.

Not this time.

Not when he barged into her house at 2am, like a fucking F5 tornado.

"What I've put you through!?" She screamed, not even realizing she was now yelling in his face.

He didn't back down and they were now so close they could feel each other's hot breath on their necks. "Yeah, you heard me."

She felt dizzy.

"I knew that voicemail was a lie! you're not sorry, you're not even capable of feeling sorry, you fucking ego maniac!"

She was right but it didn't stop the rage in him from intensifying.

"I was sorry Olivia! don't you dare tell me I lied to you! I was fucking sorry but that was before I found out you quit, before I found out that you had no intention of ever talking to me again! Now, now you don't deserve for me to be sorry, cus' you had to go and make sure you hurt me that much more!"

"So that's what you think this is?!" Tears were now welling in her eyes, his words cutting her deeper than that knife ever did. That I'm just trying to hurt you more than you've hurt me? as if this is some kind of sick content?"

"It sure as hell seems like it!"

Olivia said nothing in response, she only went to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine, desperately needing an excuse to get away from him.

She felt like all the air had left the room.

And so did he.

But he wasn't going to run.

She wanted to run but this was her house.

She has nowhere to go.

"So that's what you wanted? To just cut me off and never talk to me again!" Now Elliot was the one with tears welling up in his eyes.

"I already told you, I needed space, I can't breathe when I'm around you anymore you fucking suffocate me!" she spat.

"And you think that I can breathe around you? You think that you don't suffocate me?" He shot back, his own tears threatening to fall.

"You have had no problem treating me like your personal fucking punching bag for the past month, you don't get to make this about you!"

"You're such a gosh damn child olivia!"

"Really? How many times have I saved your ass because you couldn't control yourself?"

"That's not the point!"

"You are too much Elliot! How can you expect me to look past you blaming me for your own choice? How can you expect me to be able to be around you anymore? All I see when I look at you, is resentment, resentment at me, for something you chose to do! And you know what? You're the damn child, because, I wouldve never, ever crossed that line!"

"Olivia don't you fucking get it? that's not why I'm angry!"

"Oh please." She scoffed.

"It's not! I'm not angry that I chose you, that was never why I was angry, my gosh that's not why I'm fucking standing here screaming at you in the middle of the night! That's not why I've been losing my mind ever since Gitano!"

"What the fuck is the reason then Elliot, tell me! tell me the fucking reason?!" She yelled, getting in his face again.

"Olivia you're out of your fucking mind if you really think I would've done anything differently if I could go back, do you really think I wouldn't do the same damn thing! do you really think I wouldn't still choose you if we found ourselves in the same situation tomorrow?"

She looked at him with a mixture of shock and something else he couldn't quite make out. "What the hell are you saying!"

"I'm not angry that I chose you! I'm angry that I don't regret choosing you! I'm angry that I'd choose you again without a single fucking ounce of hesitation!"

Olivia was taken aback by his words, by his confession. her heart beating so fast she swore he probably heard it echoing through the room.

"You don't think I feel the same fucking way Elliot?" She spat back, daring to to get even closer to him than she already was, he wasn't going to win this fight, not this time. "You're the idiot! For thinking that I could shoot you, that I could end your life, that I could live with myself if you died because of me! How could you be so stupid?!"

"That’s not the point Olivia, that’s not what this is about!" He yelled back.

"Then what is it about Elliot? What is it that you want from me?!”

"I want you to be honest!"

"Are you serious right now? I have been honest!"

"Bull shit Olivia! You weren't honest you ran away! But you know what? Maybe you're right, maybe this whole thing is my fault, cus' I should've known you would, it's what you do best anyway!"

He was in front of her, moving closer as if they weren't already unbearable closer because she was now grabbing the kitchen countertop for support as he cornered her against it.

They'd never fought like this before.

She said she couldn't take the way he had been looking at her, but the way he was looking at her now, was so much worse.

“fuck you Elliot! Get out!"

His eyes were laced with so much anger, so much pain and regret, but suddenly there was something different in his gaze, something that wasn't there before.

Desire.

"No."

did he really tell her no?

"Elliot, get out! she repeated lunging forward and attempting to push him away.

"What are you going to do if I don't?" He challenged, pushing her back against the counter top.

And his next move was something she never could've expected, not even in her wildest dreams.

Suddenly, the world went silent as he crashed his lips into hers.

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