#ben: thats it im breaking the cycle

[againstsquares]

i just love bens inner monologue from his mid twenties on bc its so therapy-speaky for the most mundane things but he's really trying Hard ok what do you want him to do ????

[shwoop]

Miraculous cleaved AU Power Systems - Zodiac addition

so uh hi! im shwoop and this is my little (hah!) pet project! I’m gonna write dot jot notes here and some other necessary info for this au so if anyone wants to play in my sandbox.

 ( I used Not Dead Yet’s magic system as a template make sure to check it out                                  after this !!! ) there will be more ml boxes!!)

- Rat (water( heart )yang) Miraculous of Cleverness and Community.          Makes clones of herself and others but gets smaller for each one. peak power is a hundred clones able to lift twenty times her own weight. restraints are the more they split the more exhausted the user gets, others get disoriented when done to much

- Ox (earth (body) yin) Miraculous of Determination and Absorption.                      The most durable of the miraculous, the user is able to absorb 5% of all attacks aimed at them there final is reflecting it out in a single devastating attack. draw backs is that the user will feel far more pain than the others and his final takes time to charge

- Tiger (wood (mind) yang) Miraculous of Confidence and Amplification.                The most intimidating/charismatic of the miraculous, only second to the dragon. their final is a scream that can stun, disrupt, or strenghen moral. restraints would be how long she can go on a single breath

- Rabbit (wood(mind)yin) Miraculous of Cycles and Time.                                   An outlier, mainly because of the moon rabbit myth that had affected the creation process. they can use there control over time to speed themselves up or use there mallet as an extention of herself to cause an area affect. her power/time level shifts with the moon cycle making her weakest on a full moon( because the light reflected is the suns, not the moon)

- Dragon (earth(body)yang) Miraculous of Balance and Weather.                           this miraculous requires its users to have a clear head to avoid catastrophe and will boot the user out of their transformation if it see you as a danger to its self and others. the powersgiven to the user is the physical manifestation of whatever weather is occuring at the time. overtime the user could affect and prexisting weather

- Snake(fire(energy)yin) Miraculous of Growth and Intuition.                                   I’m thinking the final would be clairvoyance, but not like random stuff or even shots of dead world(or timelines) but of pivotol character moments like how the hug between mrabel and isabela. restriction here would be up for interpretation. subtle plant manipulation

- Horse (fire(energy)yang) Miraculous of Movement and Migration.                        portal powers but I liked the feet feathers so much that the user can float for a little while too. restraints I dunno, has to picture where there going I guess. oh they have binocular vision so the untrained will feel super weird at the start so best time to fight these guys is at the start 

- Goat (earth(body)yin) of Imagination and Dreams.                                              the goat miraculous grants users the ability to astral project to the spirit realm even able to form weak constructs after practice. The con? it leaves your body defenceless and if you don’t return to it, the user will be stuck forever in the astral realm, the same will happen if someone takes the miraculous

- Monkey (metal (soul) yang) Miraculous of Curiosity and Pranks.                          basically ben 10...thats his power, being ben 10.

- Rooster (metal (soul )yin ) Miraculous of Discipline and Culmination.                  able to acess any possible ability to ever exist within the animal kingdom, but never able to unlock its true potential.

- Dog (earth (body) yang) Miraculous of Prudence and Reclamation.                    able to track, there final is a dig ability they can use that breaks through anything in their search for whatever was lost. their only able to use this ability once every transformation.

- Pig (water (heart) yin) Miraculous of Nurturing and Jubilation.                              I have yet to decide if it’ll be a gift or Not dead yets power of imunity, can’t it be both? uuugggghhh a decision for future me

soo this is my sandbox hope you have as much fun as I did making this Byeeee

[hi-there-cake]

do u have anythingf u want to say about ghost eyes so farrrR????

hm!!! i think its very inch resting!! there are some parts i dont like (emilio is. Like That without pills + carmello’s whole deal seeming unrealistic like when he stops bullying rudy after rudy pleads and his crush gets a hold of him (though i still need to read more of it!!) but otherwise i like it a lot! it feels a bit like a case study almost both due to being “uncensored” as well as the either intentional or unintentional themes. i like how pobodys nerfect in this story, like lots of them are just kind of dicks but in the end theyre still good people. expectations are kind of toyed with like when yfirst meet luther you think hes going to be one of those . stereotypical abusive angry uncles(IM SO SORRY LUTHER) BUT HES NOT!!! despite or even because of the way he is hes one of the most positive influences in tobias’s life ever. or rudy seeming sweet (he is) but theres always that undercurrent of him being sharper than he seems to be. i say sharper not as an allegory for smartness but like in tobias’s analogy- a cupcake but with needles inside. sweet but it can hurt. rudy is also interesting just for how he plays with the idea of being kind? like hes kind and he cares for others but hes not a doormat. he has self respect and will stop being friends with someone if they continue to hurt him (at least thats what i think so far). part of the way he is being in part due to ben and his experiences is very smart like. that Seems like it should be character writing 101 past being important but like. i guess i dont see it much (<- guy who is a botw fan and does not often read other media, i guess it feels like the past of other characters besides the main characters isnt really developed. though rudy is technically a main character but not The main charscyer. i could be very wrong however. the detail about the horror movies is something i like to see (not for rudy but as a writing detail). tobias being naive and opening up more/caring for others the more hes at school is so nice to me. that feels #real, and tobias learning and growing is just fun to see. the advocacy for rebelling with luther is my favorite part i think like YES KING ROB A BANK!!! LIFE IS YOUR OYSTER!!! and the life is your oyster despite the circumstances also feels a bit like a theme, what with tobias breaking the cycle of being totally sheltered as well as possibly being able to save himself from the edburt cycle. also i do like how misunderstandings arent played so… dramatically i guess? like when edburt takes control of tobias and says Shit to rudy and tobias breaks free instead of like. acting betrayed and trying to run from tobias/whatever is common with misunderstandings hes still there for tobias, for worse and for better. he still invites him to go to halloween and tobias is able to explain why he talked to carmello. he didnt mention edburt which is. understandable but worries me for their friendship but they were still there for each other. this is all surface level stuff im sure but it feels impactful. like a well written psa about friendship and instead of the problem being something like. small like “i forgor it was their birthday” youre actually a dick but you can still make it up to them (tbf i do also like psas like that (pokemon) but this isnt targeted for kids. its trying to get a very real message out there). at the same time it also doesnt tolerate abuse and shows the side effects of said abuse, as well as showing abuse that doesnt Seem major but still affects the person all the same (ben and rudy to me). dissing christianity like that is so based. it also shows how abusers are people all the same but it doesnt excuse their actions (ben). edburt having lore and metatext Reasons is very cool to me, like edburt himself is a metaphor in my eyes for. well i would say suppressing yourself and the consequences thereof but i dont think thats Really It. idk that scene of toby and rudy together before edburt comes for him means Something i just dont know what yet. its also interesting how emilio calls toby “a perfect creature” despite tobias

being . Like That (though its not his fault). i also dont know what that means but it means something especially with the pobodys nerfect notion. i wish i could say more but i dunno what else to say. well simons theology is very based. yeah Man i really do wish i could say more…….

[honkhonkrichard]

Theory: Stanley Uris was Murdered.

Tagging @vvanini I hope you can follow this okay it’s very word vomity lol

Okay So TW because this post will touch on Stan's death ad the methods behind it

I propose that Stan Uris was murdered. by IT. In his home on that fateful night. I think that Stan posed the biggest threat to IT and therefore IT felt the need to take him out before the battle even started.

Allow me to explain.

Okay, so, I need to lay out some basic "rules" or "facts" before I make my case. They are as follows.

- IT planted it's roots in Derry, and finds it difficult to leave, but still can at it’s own wil.  If you read the book (I honestly don't blame you if you haven't) You'd know that once the Losers kill IT for the final time, Derry (the Physical town) is obliterated. Buildings explode, sinkholes appear, things are flooded. The town is in ruins by the time that the Losers leave the sewers. The movies don't adapt this so If this is news to you thats fine. the bottom line is that destroying IT destroys Derry, like ripping a tree out of the ground with all it's roots. Because of this, we can make the claim that while it can Leave Derry (as it does every 27 years) it probably takes tremandous amount of power to do so, which is why IT only goes when the cycle is over. Why does this matter? Well, what if IT left Derry to get to Stan? The murders had stopped for about a week when they're all in the Jade of the Orient. Plenty of time for IT to cross from Maine to Georgia. Side Note: We KNOW IT leaevs Maine to elsewhere in the world because of King's extended universe all interconnecting. it's not far off at all to make the claim that IT is the same evil that haunts, say The Shining's Overlook Hotel, which is in Colarado.

- IT is omnipresent This is also a given, IT lives everywhere, and can fuck with time and space in godlike (or maybe eldritch like) ways. in IT: Chapter Two, when Mike claims "IT Doesn't know I know what I know" he's unfortunately wrong, because we know that IT can be in A) Multiple places at once, B) can manipulate anything on the drop of a hat (See: Stan being teleported away from everyone else in Chapter One, Everything about Neibolt, etc) and C) Knows everyone's deep fears. This is further proven by IT Saying things like "Beep Beep Richie" (although this is Horribly Horribly executed in the films, ugh.) and so on and so forth. On top of all of this, We can make the claim that IT can exist outside of Time as well, given that IT is immortal. SO, what's stopping IT from Knowing Mike was going to call them all back (Espically considering that IT TOLD Mike to do this?). Even if we keep IT's omnipresence to the location that IT inhabits (in this case Derry) IT would still have knowledge of where the losers are through Mike. And if you take the Lucky Seven/Chosen Seven route (oh my god I got theories on that too) you could argue IT knows where they are inherently due to their cosmic status.

- Stan is the "most Powerful" loser So, obviously all the Loser's are powerful, espically considering they're the ones who Defeat IT (Again going on to the Lucky/Chosen Seven theory). This next claim is going to be less focused on what the 2019/2017 Movies do because they are Bad Movies and that's a whole other rant. However, in the book, Stan is (to my knowledge feel free to correct me on any of this) the only loser to Actively ward off and 'defeat' IT on his own without running away. He uses his belief in this what is Real (birds) to ward off what is "not real" (IT). The other losers do manage to take down IT in their own Right, but Stan is ultimately the one to Really get IT. This is because Stan's character revolves around Belief and Willpower. These are, in some form or another, the ways to Defeat IT. the ritual of Chud is a battle of Wills. in the book, Bill takes IT down and Eddie does the final blow. In the Remake (ugh) the losers can defeat it Technically using the belief that IT isn't as powerful as it claims because IT's "just a clown" (Ihatethatfuckingendingsomuchugh). Stan being much more skeptical than the rest of the group in his ability to understand Reality vs IT's illusions is a powermove, and IT knows that ability doesn't go away as Stan grows up, but rather he gets more powerful. Stan is the Only loser out of the 6 who left that has any sort of knowledge about IT, where the other losers have nothing. Bev has nightmares, yes, but she still forgets them. We're told in his chapter (Chapter 3, Six Phone Calls (1985), Part One: Stanley Uris Takes a Bath) that he has some hazy knowledge of his place in the Lucky Seven, and even goes so far as to MENTION it sometimes, even if he doesn't quite remember or understand any of it, his knowledge of IT and Derry is worlds more prominent than that of the rest of the losers.

(page 52 of IT:  "Stanley, nothing's wrong with your life!"  "I don't mean from inside." he said. "From inside is fine. I'm talking about outside. Something that should be over and isn't. I wake up frmo these dreams and think, 'My whole pleasent life has been nothing but the eye of some storm I don't understand.' I'm afraid. But then it just... fades. The way dreams do." OR  page 45: He had been smiling a little. Now the smile faltered, and for a moment he seemed puzzled. His eyes had darkened, as if he looked inward, consulting some interior device which ticked and whirred correctly but which, ultimately he understood no more than the average man understands the workings of the watch on his wrist. "The turtle couldn't help us," he said suddenly. he said that quite clearly.)

So, Stan has some cosmic knowledge of IT and Maturin and his role in the battle against It. What does any of this have to do with his death? Well, let me point out some other things about Stan's death that always stuck out to me. - His death chapter is narrated by his wife, Patty, rather than himself. The other chapters - almost all the other chapters - are narrated by their respective Loser (the caviot for this is Ben, but Ben is also wasted out of his damn mind so its understandable.) - Stan's personality is few and far between in the book, but we know he has a weird little sense of humour and that he's incredibly logical. I think that this logical part of him would be able to understand that Suicide is Never Ever the answer, and that it would cause FAR more problems than it would solve. (the 2019 movie tries to reexplain his death and it's crap and i hate the letters i hate the letters so much im gonna explode) The other losers try to rationalize his death by saying "He would rather Die Clean than Live Dirty (Page 506, Chapter 10, The Reunion, part 3, 'Ben Hanscom Gets Skinny') but he had already BEEN Dirty when he defeated IT the first time, and I think he would've recognized that. - upon finding him, Patty (in her narration) notes that Stan's head is bent back over the edge of the bathtub, so from his sight she would have been upside down. If Stan DID kill himself, why would he be positioned like that? It's unnatural, like someone Posed him. - the cuts on his arms are two length wise cuts. I'm no expert but.. that's suspicious. That's weird. - IT is written in blood on the wall. Why? Why would Stan right THAT of all things? You know who DOES like to paint with blood? IT.

Alright, returning to my thesis statement, Stanley Uris was murdered. Do I think Stan genuinely was going to take a bath at 7pm (which we're told is weird for him)? Yes. I think that's absolutely a thing he could have done or planned to do. Do I think he slit his wrists and commited suicide so he wouldn't go back to Derry? No. Not even remotely.

Let me paint a New Picture.

It's May 28th, 2016, or 1985. Stanley Uris gets a call from Mike Hanlon. Stan is incredibly hesitant to go to, and says he needs time to think about it. Or tht he'll try. He can feel the starts of a Panic attack, and as he's remembering the circles of Hell he went through as a child, he tries to hold himself together. He doesn't want his darling wife to see his break, so he says "I think I'll take a bath" and nothing else before going upstairs. he hides in the bathroom. He closes and locks the door, because, well, he's panicking. Locking doors is one of The Small things he does. Is it usually the bathroom door? no, but still (OCD is a bitch, and even with medication, but this is a special case). He looks in the mirror and tries to breathe. This is fine. He can do this. They killed IT once before and they can do it again. He thinks about his younger self, the promises made, and how he could explain all of this Patty in time to catch a flight to Maine. It's terrifying, but if his friends are going to bite the dust, he wants to be there with them, wedding vows be Damned. Then he looks at his reflection again. A younger, rotted version of himself stares back at him. IT crawls through the mirror. Stan freaks out, obviously. This isn't real. This Can't be real. But IT utilizes this notion against him. It digs it's claws into his arms, and forces him to bleed out in the bathtub. IT then sets the scene nicely. Razorblades on the counter, a bloody signature on the wall, a horrible posture of Stan's neck. So on and So forth. and then IT returns to Derry. IT's a little weak, yeah, but Stan is dead. That's what matters. the Lucky Seven has now Officially broken, and the balance shifts in favour of the clown.

So that's the theory. feel free to correct me on anything or engage I have plenty of theories on this story and I like discussing this stuff :).

[eastenderstranscripts]

Ben: ive got a couple of loose ends to tie up here, so you know

Jay: ben mitchell going straight? thats a sentence i never thought id hear. nah, i aint having it. its like a fish deciding he can walk

Ben: well thanks for the vote of confidence mate

Jay: alright, so lets just say a geezer comes here with a fleet of motors delivered into the uk, no paperwork, absolute deal of the century, what are you gonna do?

Ben: i will say 'no, thanks'

Jay: yeah, you keep telling yourself that mate, yeah

Ben: thanks for the support mate. youre always tellig me to not be my dad. so i try and break the cycle. now if you cant get behind me, then do you know what mate, just do one

Jay: alright, im only pulling your leg. course i'll be behind you. straight ben better not be no sense of humour missog Ben

[permian-tropos]

TIME TO GUSH ABOUT TLJ cause I was looking through screenshots and here’s a bunch of things I might not have mentioned before and a few that I have

1) Paige Tico!!!! PAIGE TICO! her entire time in the spotlight is such a perfectly crafted, perfectly tense scene

2) UM THE OPENING SPACE BATTLE IS SICK the bombers have such striking silhouettes and this is used for some amazing shots

3) PAIGE’S DEATH BEING PRESENTED AS TRAGEDY (and not being softened heavily with the promise of being part of something meaningful the way R1′s deaths are) 

4) Captain Candy Crush’s death is given gravity too and I stan this, he’s not made sympathetic and still there’s nothing triumphant about people being blown up. war is not good

5) Finn’s pod is very flattering and angelic even though his water suit is silly. he basically has a halo and no filmmaker would accidentally give a character a halo so jot that down

6) Snoke’s throne room being utilitarian AND extravagant at the same time is impressive. also I still love the way that Snoke’s real form was made to be this exaggeratedly WASPy old man with the skin texture and wrinkles and pale tufty eyebrow hair, and you know what else? the fact that the camera favors showing the undamaged side of his face. I fucking stan the fact that Johnson took another disfigured villain and played up his old caucasian grandpa looks and made his disfigurement blend into his age. Snoke is a caricature of horrid old white men, possibly the first successful caricature of whiteness in speculative fiction. he looks like Henry Kissinger

7) Kylo Ren’s bandaid has a pattern on it. we ask ourselves. why. did he get to pick out the pattern. are there multiple patterns. are they all edgy and black. I’m now completely invested in whoever decided that they would have patterned bandaids but not make them TOO fun

8) the movie is so pretty im just. the fuckign. aesthetic. all of it. the palette seems to have been taken from a thunderstorm and it’s perfect. the use of gray is a reason I happen to think people didn’t like the film. they were like what the fuck is all this gray in star wars. star wars shouldn’t be gray. but it’s so unique, it’s not the gray of lazy color grading, it’s the gray of someone who knew that the feeling of haze and uncertainty needed some gray and rolled it in like a fog. I’m going to have to post more screenshots

9) I like the fact that the puppet porgs, as opposed to the CGI porgs, are actually kinda ugly cute

10) everything mark hamill does is perfect. every line, every facial expression, every pose. every moment from luke in tlj is unbelievably iconic. alec guinness would be so jealous 

11) Luke perking up and genuinely smiling when he sees R2D2 is the purest moment I have to just 

my eyes are moist

12) the architecture and set design is so amazing too? I love this shot introducing Rose, the harsh contrast that draws your eye away from her, the way she’s fading into her corner of brownish-gray, it’s so good for evoking... idk, just how the world seems too bright and too stark and made of shapes, after someone you love dies

13) I really love how much time we spend on Ahch-To, and how none of it has any campy space action. you’d expect to see some training there, but a lot of people were clearly hoping that Luke and Rey would leave the planet. but we linger so much on the setting, a setting which wholly embodies Luke’s state of mind

14) old luke is a handsome gent. i don’t see enough people with the hots for old luke. this is a big mistake

15) this shot foreshadows Kylo Ren becoming the Supreme Leader IMO. we see him surveying the war machine, watching the instruments of death be constructed, set apart from everyone -- a glimpse into Kylo’s desire for absolute power without anything being direct. maybe he’s contemplating his isolated existence, how much he doesn’t belong in the Order. or maybe he sees an allure to all this. this is what he wants to possess. it’s probably a mixture of both

16) Rey and Luke!!!!!!! everything about how the film frames them develops their relationship!! even as Luke is testy with her, we get shots like these where they’re sharing a warm sunset light and having deep heart to hearts. 

and you know what you know what what what

the fact that Rey starts asking WHO her parents are after meeting Luke is uhh clearly suggesting that she’s wondering if maybe Luke is her dad. I love in this one shot how he’s slumped and she’s sitting up straighter, making him the vulnerable one. I love how the sunset light highlights Rey’s buns. I love that she keeps her buns for a while. I love that people have headcanoned she kept the buns so that her parents would recognize her, and she has the buns in the whole time she’s trying to get Luke to act like the hero she believes in. like she’s trying to get him to recognize her

Rey adopts Luke as her dad and it’s beautiful get out of my face

17) ye there’s a lot of dead children but also I hadn’t really thought about the fact that R2 watched this as well? and R2 was powered off for so long, until the end of TFA? R2 was traumatized and grieving too, and he’s seen this before, he remembers all the way back to when it was Anakin

18) hors!!!!!!!

19) what the SHIT is this why is this movie a fucking painting why does it keep outdoing itself in paintingness argh the way this film uses the day-night cycle is unbelievable, having Rey and Finn’s stories be connected by having the same time

THE HCKING MOON THOUGH 

20) Ok we could talk about how the cold blue moonlight of uncertainty has become the warm orange light of companionship but we can’t forget what firelight also represents re: Kylo cough burning temple nice little double meaning, is Rey making a new friend or is she being tempted, is he going to warm her or burn her

but also I haven’t thought about how fucking awkward Kylo looks!! is he sitting on that barrel?? like since he’s not there is he just sort of compositing himself into the scene? using a convenient barrel

21) see what I mean about blue being cold. blue = asceticism, red = indulgence, the two extremes 

22) Luke sinks into darkness

23) BUT HE DOES ONE THING! the thing that breaks him out of his depression. he takes the fire -- which represents the burned temple, represents Ben Solo, represents the humanity of the Dark Side -- into his own hands. we see the fire symbolizing destruction, then intimacy, then change, in such short succession

fire represents light-dark, something that is both at once. we’ll get back to this

24) you could say that balance is about making your own light in the darkness

also this is why Poe’s line about being the spark that will burn the First Order down isn’t ~too violent~ cause fire has become a symbol of change, of destruction reclaimed as something restorative, thank you very much 

25) can we talk about the fact that between this being like a coffin and the way Rey is holding the saber, this actually has the heaviest resemblance to the way medieval knights were depicted atop their sarcophagi. I don’t even know what it means but maybe it hints that Rey sees herself as a martyr and a crusader in this quest to redeem Kylo and prove her valor

26) the fact that Poe isn’t the only one who gets in on the coup. because the Resistance isn’t a real military it’s a few thousand antifas gathered from all around the galaxy and their numbers are dwindling fast. people kind of put it all on Poe but Connix and Finn and Rose and this woman and this man and this alien were part of it too, and they could have told Poe to cut it out. I like how the blonde woman seems like she’s not sure what’s going on, she’s evaluating the situation 

27) you know what I stan? I continue to stan aspects of how Snoke is portrayed. I stan the fact that he gets all close up in Rey’s face and grabs her cheek and it kind of mirrors the way Kylo gets in her personal space in TFA but even less so than in TFA, Rey is not framed in the way girls often are when they’re restrained and in distress. when she’s being tortured, we’re not given any tantalizing views of her body. Snoke floating her around the room has her stiff and awkward, and the close-up of her screaming in pain puts the camera behind her head so we see this from her POV, we’re not voyeuristically staring at her, we’re experiencing this indignity with her

28) Kylo Ren killing Snoke has the exact same light on his face as when he killed Han Solo. this is very very interesting

here I am in my corner of Kylo having twisted affection for Snoke as well

29) I wish I could ship this more cause I don’t need all this talk of fairy tale weddings and force pregnancies when here they are slicing up lobster boys with laser swords

30) oh but this is where he makes Rey look sad and thats where!!! you know hes gonna have to pay!!! basically everything about the scene where Kylo tears Rey’s heart out and stomps on it and then asks her to be grateful is extremely well done and it did its intended job of making me Big Mad At Kylo 

also look the fire is back its Symbolic

31) you know what I can’t show in this post? the FUCKING SOUND THAT COMES AFTER THE HYPERSPEED RAM. that sound is the most glorious sound I’ve heard come out of a movie. it’s like a massive metal whale’s death scream. Star Wars has always run on sound design but literally that sound (along with the scene it’s attached to) outdoes everything that has come before it holy wow

32) Finn WHACKING Phasma. he didn’t use a lightsaber in this film, but he uses the baton he picked up the same way he used the lightsaber, and it even glows blue for good measure. and we can’t forget that this movie shows a boy holding a broom like a lightsaber, and Rey practicing saberplay with her staff, so -- objects that are not lightsabers symbolizing lightsabers is a thing 

33) I didn’t think about the fact that the Supreme Leader’s throne room is designed to display a view of the outside, or be cloaked in red. possibly it could display anything it pleases. this is great fun for imagining First Order characters making it display things they want to see, like beautiful vistas, or holofilms. possibly it can recreate whole scenes, like a Star Trek holodeck

34) I don’t have to talk about how Leia is framed by the dawn on Crait do I? we already got the picture when it comes to the day-night cycle and how beautiful it is

35) BABY 8 I can’t believe this droid gets belly scritches and nuzzles from Poe

36) fucking love when Kylo finally snaps and starts throwing petty tantrums again at the end of the film like he holds back his brattiness for 12 hours and then here comes the screaming and foot stamping and flailing

I have thrown too many temper tantrums in my life to not want to see one on the big screen in its full glory. no one has pushed him to the point where he’s just ugly crying on the floor, spewing snot and tearing at his hair

I got vicarious pleasure out of Poe’s outburst on the bridge too. people being angry and not being in the right. it’s something I need for catharsis

37) miniaturized Death Star technology aka BIGGEST LIGHTSABER. Kylo stop compensating

but AU where a ginormous person uses the cannon as an actual saber

38) I’VE TALKED ABOUT HOW FINN’S MOMENT IS IN MY TOP TWO FEELS MOMENTS (top one is the hyperslice) but basically if you don’t think he was affected by seeing the slave kids on Canto Bight, what do you think he’s so angry about here, what do you think has him in a blinding rage?

why do movies have to spell everything out for people in exhaustive detail? the only new thing Finn gets from his experience with Rose, is seeing how the First Order isn’t this isolated enclave of evil. the most powerful people in the galaxy have been supporting it all along. he stops trying to run away because he realizes there is nowhere he can run that won’t have injustice. and he’s seen villagers being massacred, he’s seen the Order attack people he cares about, he’s been personally threatened and had one-on-one duels, but on his trip with Rose he sees children being beaten into submission with electric whips

can’t believe people think Finn wasn’t affected by that when it’s the one thing motivating his character growth

every time he sees civilians getting hurt -- children and families -- he sees himself and the family he’ll never know in them, and is so overwhelmed that he does something brash and radical and self-endangering every time, and his arc is about learning to live with that anger. he runs away from feeling and his angst is so beautiful

and I’m still in the camp of Finn having had a Zuko-like arc when he was a teenager because that boiling frustration at not being able to express his natural empathy is what drove Zuko to angst so hard

FINN IS THE SOLIDARITY KING! HE CARES SO FUCKING MUCH 

39) fire. Luke facing his demons involves him walking through a gate of flame, out of the darkness, into the light

I will say that this is also very Buddhist imagery -- the flaming sword symbolizes wisdom, which cuts through the veil of illusion, specifically the illusion of duality

“Mañjuśrī is depicted as a male bodhisattva wielding a flaming sword in his right hand, representing the realization of transcendent wisdom which cuts down ignorance and duality”

and of course fire being the bridge between light and dark has come up before in the film. the veil is visibly burning here, Luke having fully reclaimed the image of fire, which was earlier in the film held by Kylo Ren 

I mean. just. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

40) something about this shot is extra special. everything that’s going on on the salt flats is like on this higher dimension, this spiritual plane 

41) for a moment it looks like Luke and the First Order are standing against Kylo. gives you a glimpse into Kylo’s state of mind. is the Order his weapon, or his enemy? it’s both, and he’s absolutely terrified of it

also I’ve talked about how Palpatine’s Contingency plan is about getting revenge on his Empire because he hates its power as much as he revels in it, and he dedicates a good deal of time plotting ways to kill it, because he needs to prove that he is more powerful than it

being the Emperor or Supreme Leader carries with it the distinct horror of knowing that you can never be more powerful than the thing that has empowered you

42) 

43) Luke achieving 100% maximum Buddhist allegory

44) the slope of the floor is the slope of the opening crawl of a Star Wars film 

all right that’s all folks

[one-hell-of-otaku-is-here]

15 tag game

Not tagging anyone in particular so yeah im aready kind of breaking rules again but whatever lol. Tagged by wonderful @lycoryllis one again ^^

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope, my name was chosen by draw by my fathers ex collegues. If I was a boy I would be either called Thomas or by my father Peter and knowing him he would definitely choose his name so yeah

2. When was the last time you cried?

Eeh probably two weeks ago?? I had a pretty bad weekend back then

3. Do you have kids?

No

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Sometimes, it really depends on the people I’m around. Tbh I do not see myself to be a sarcastic person so I guess it depends on the situation. I think that if I use it then i tis mostly around my family and close friends. I do not open up to strangers or at school or in  public to people so it is only natural I would be less sarcastic

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

In general, I think I look at theor face firts then rest of the body. I do think I judge people based on theri first impression on me at least for a while before i get to know them better soo I am not immune to making prejuduces about them. I guess if someone were to look in my head they would want to have nothing to do with me lol I tend to judge the way they talk or what face expression they make biut mostly I judge their appearance. Sight I think that is also why I cant get boyfriend – I have a certain prefernces even in looks but those guys tend to be the worst or the y are gay or they are taken so yeah

6. What’s your eye color?

Grey blue – I was born with blue eyes but you know how they change during life – my dad has very strange color combinantions and I inhereted that from him I guess – in differnt light they may appear green, gray or even blue. All in all just know they are mostly greyish blue

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

I generally don’t like scary movies unless we are talking about surreal horor or psychological horror such as was anime and game Higurashi. I do not do well with gore but that series was waay more than that and so I did not mind. I think I do like happy endings over scary ones – I grew up on  fairytales and later as a teen on rom cons after all- but lately since I started to like thrillers and crimi series –and played  lots of games with that genre- I started to welcome bad endings too. It is fiction after all and sometimes some pretty shitty but well written bad ending can be waay better than happy ending / thats is why I was sad to learn everything turned out well in Clannad – the ending with Tomoya losing all was freaking sad but amazing and realistic af which I always appreciate

8. Any special talents?

I tend to think I am just average in everything I do. I am so jealous over anyone who has high IQ for example it feels like those guys just swim through life without any worries or care in the world whike I struggle here in academics. If they appear arrogant about it that is. Aside from itellegence I do not excel in other areas that much as well.

9. Where were you born?

In a very small country in Middle Europe – we are surrounded by countries such as Poland, Hungary and even Ukraine and Austria. I was born in second biggest city here but compared to rest of Europe we do not stand out that much. I leave our flag here so you can check it out. We have a beautiful mountains up in north for which we are well known for and our surrounding countries often visit them

10. What are your hobbies?

I like lots of things but not all of them can be called hobbies I do not engage in them that much. Those hobbies would be walking with my dog, swimming, cycling and dancing. Then there are my true hobbies – those include reading books, playing otomr or RPG games and as you all know anime and manga. I used to draw a lot too as a kid but I am not good and i tis not something I can do as I am nt patient enough. Then I also used to sing a lot with my grandpa. I think singing would have becomem my oassion and a career if I could actually sing, Musicv is also one of my true hobbies I love listening to my favourite bands and my favourite anime opening, endings or OSTs. Mazbe one day I decide to learn how to play guitar – my one and only attempt to enjoy music at its fullest – I have been playing wit that idea from time to time in the past but again I am too lazy to star anything new at this point.

11. Do you have any pets?

We have a dog bamed Ben he is 12 years old now ^^

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

I did swimming, soccer, netball and volleyball school during PE pnly which I kinda enjoyed. Indon’t play any particular sports or exercise

13. How tall are you?

Around 5’1 (156.5 cm) yes I am a smol bean too(>_<) – it is a still mystery to me how I could stop and did not grow at least that 0.5 cm

14. Favorite subject in school?

History, Art -bless my elemetary days the only days I had art classes in my life-, Literature and Social studies – and that mainly Psychology and Philosophy- if I did not decide I am not gonna listen to people problems as to avoid possibe depression-and trust me I was thinking about taking Psychology course a lot -even my dad told me I should- then I would. Also I loved talking about philosophers I think history gaves us a very inetresting ones but once again I did not see any point in talking Philosophy if I am not planning to become philospher myself ofc. I guess I only liked to learn about them – not to study and analyse them for the rest of my life.

15. Dream job?

My decision to take English language course was probably not the brightest idea but it was the only idea I had and could take at the time. I still have not freaking idea what to do with myself I am kind of still stuck at stalemate. The first step was to stalemate what I did not wanted to do, and I found I mostly crossed every option I considered – I have enough thought about acting as I used to do that as a kid and was quite good, but I have not further experience for more than 10 years. The one thing I always loved are books and I used to think I could live as a writer, but real-life situation is different isn’t it. Well, I have never thought about it much up until I discovered Japanese literature thanks to BSD and it I like a whole new world opened to me so now there is a tiny voice in my head telling me that that’s what I must do. I still have no idea what job I am gonna do once I have my degree but one thing is certain to me- one day I am gonna wake up from this slumber and write a book – not because I have to but because I want to.

If anyone should do this then: @pastel-sea-creature and @blackandwhitemusician Ily guys

[thxrquill]

Je T’aime, Mon Cher Eddie

For @time-for-tozier who came up with this idea, I hope you like it!!

Eddie watched as the clock’s minute hand moved towards the number 12, making a ticking noise as it wet round. He was so fixated that he jumped when the bell rang, the cue for people around him to pack up and leave the room.

He slammed his yellow note book shut and shoved it, and his pencil, into his backpack, before running out of the classroom to meet up with the other losers.

He sprinted down the hallways, bumping into several people and nearly tripping twice, before he reached the door. He swung the door open and walked to the bike rack around the side of the school.

“Hey Eddie,” Ben called to him as he walked over.

“Hey guys,” Eddie took in the positions of his friends. Mike was sat on the ground, fiddling with his bike, it kept breaking. Ben was sat on a bench about a meter away from the bike rack, a book resting open on his lap. Beverly was sitting on her bike seat, hands already gripping the handlebars as if she was in a hurry to go. Bill and Stan were stood next to each other, however, Eddie noticed, much too close to be considered normal. And Richie, well, he was being his usual self. He was hung upside down on one the metal bannister of a nearby stair case, dark hair brushing the ground.

“Eds! You finally arrived!” Richie near shouted bouncing his way back over to the group. “Can we go now?”

The losers collectively rolled their eyes and grabbed their bikes, climbing on and cycling towards the woods.

Their was a field there that they had claimed as their new hangout. It was completely secluded and surrounded by trees. In the spring, the ground was covered in daisies, Richie loved it, and prided himself on making “the best daisy chains in Derry”. In the Summer and Autumn, the grass was green and soft. And in the Winter, the Loser’s decided to just hand out at each other’s houses instead, with the careful avoidance of the Tozier, Marsh and Kaspbrak residences.

They were all laying on the grass. Beverly had her head resting on Ben’s lap as he sat cross legged playing with her hair. Stan and Bill were laying shoulder to shoulder, Mike was spread out like a starfish, and Richie was resting his head on Eddie’s stomach.

They were peaceful.

“Richie, I couldn’t help but to notice that you were in my French class this morning.” Bev spoke up, breaking the silence.

She knew there had to be a reason behind his sudden appearance in the class. She knew that she took it so that one day, when she was old enough, she could move to France and never look back. She knew that Stan’s parents wanted him to focus more on his religion. She knew that Ben was already fluent in the language and didn’t need to take a class. She knew that Bill found it too hard because of his stutter. She knew that Mike and Eddie simply didn’t want to take the subject, seeing no reason for it.

So what was Richie’s reason?

“You take French?” Eddie chuckled, sitting up. “Since when?”

“Well, obviously since this morning dipshit. I already know how to say some stuff. Such as,” Richie cleared his throat. “Ta mère aime ça dans le cul.”

Bev’s head shot up. “Beep Beep Richie.”

“W-what did he say?” Bill asked.

“Do you really want me to tell you?” Bev whined. The rest of the group, bar Richie and Ben, nodded. She sighed. “He said “your mother likes it up the ass.”

Groans of “Richie”, and “really?” We passed around as Richie smirked.

“Hey Rich? Do you know anything that’s not rude?” Eddie asked.

“Umm yeah,” Richie replied. “Eddie, tu as de beaux yeux.” (You have beautiful eyes)

“What does that mean?”

“Ahh, my dear Eddie Spaghetti, that is a secret.”

“Don’t call me that. Bev? Can you tell me what he said?” Eddie asked Beverly, who was staring at Richie with a strange look on her face. She stared for a few more moments before turning to Eddie.

“Sorry Eddie, I don’t know what he said.”

————

The next morning Richie bounced into school with too much energy for 7am on a Tuesday.

“Good morning, mes petits choux.” He smiled, leaning his chin on Eddie’s head.

“Richie, if I may ask, why did you just call us ‘your little cabbages’?” Ben questioned.

“I did it because I felt like it.” Just then the bell rang for class.

“Um, Richie? Can I talk you you for a sec? In private?” Beverly asked. Richie nodded, he loved the girl like family, they both dealt with similar issues in their home lives. “Do you like Eddie? You know, as in like him?”

Richie blushed. “No, where did you get that idea?”

“You’re always hugging him, you never stop staring at him, and yesterday you told him, in French, that he had beautiful eyes.”

“You said you didn’t understand what I said!”

“Well I lied, I guessed that you didn’t really want me to tell him, otherwise you would have simply said it in English.” She sighed. “Richie, what’s the real reason you started taking French class? You know I’m not going to judge you.”

Richie sighed. “I’ve been dealing with so much at home and then I come to school and he,” Richie leant back against the wall. “He makes me feel safe, and, I dunno, loved I guess? I just wanted a way to tell him how I feel and explain what’s happening at home. But it was way too painful to say it all in English, so I thought it’d be easier to tell him in another language.”

“Oh, Richie.” Beverly wrapped him in a hug. “That’s so sweet.” Richie gave her a half smile, and they began walking to their first class, which happened to be French.

———-

Eddie was just dozing off when he hears the taps at his window. At first he was scared that it was a leper, or a murderer, but he was assured it wasn’t when someone spoke up from behind the glass and curtains.

“Eddie? You awake?” Eddie pushed he covers off and got out of bed, he walked over to the window and opened the curtains.

The person at his window was Richie.

“C-can I come in?” Eddie could see the tears making their way steadily down Richie’s cheeks. He pushed the window open as quietly as he could and Richie clambered in.

“Rich, are you okay? What happened?” Instead of the answer Eddie knew he wasn’t going to get, Richie clutched him in a hug, openly sobbing.

Eddie guided Richie over to his bed and lates him down so that Richie’s head was resting above his heart. He never got answers, but he knew how to calm his best friend down. He liked listening to Eddie’s heartbeat, to confirm he wasn’t alone, and he like it when Eddie ran his fingers through his hair.

That’s exactly what Eddie was doing when Richie stopped crying and mumbled something.

“I’m sorry? I didn’t catch that.”

“Je t'aime. S’il te plaît, ne me quitte jamais.” (I love you. Please never leave me.)

Richie fell asleep soon after that, Eddie had no idea what the sleeping boy had said to him.

Over the next few months, Richie refused to stop talking in French whilst around Eddie. Beverly noticed he would constantly be blushing whenever Richie spoke the foreign words, in a thick accent. All of the Losers agreed that it was The only good impression Richie Tozier had ever done. During these months, Bev had to put up with Richie’s constant pining for Eddie.

She would always catch him calling Eddie a ‘magnifique petit tournesol’ (gorgeous little sunflower) or telling Eddie that he ‘avait l'air si mignon dans ce pull’ (looked so cute in that sweater’. He even said ‘Mon Amour.’ (My love) a few times

She was fed up of it. She knew without a doubt that Eddie had the same feelings towards Richie. So, during their 5th period geography class, Bev gave Richie a stern talking to.

“You need to tell him.”

“What?”

“Eddie! You need to tell him how you feel! I’m like 99% sure he reciprocates your feelings.”

“Yes Bev, but what about the 1% hmm?” Beverly rolled her eyes, they spent the rest of the lesson in silence.

A few weeks passed and Richie and Eddie found themselves alone at Loser’s Meadow, as the gang had dubbed it, watching the sun set.

“Eddie, I’m about to ramble in French and you just need to listen, you don’t need to understand.”

Eddie furrowed his brow. “Oh, okay.” He secretly loved it when Richie spoke French, however, he’d never admit it.

“Vous ne comprenez pas un mot que je dis en ce moment, et honnêtement? Je pense que c'est une bonne chose.

(You don’t understand a word im saying right now, and honestly? I think thats a good thing.)

J'avais besoin d'un moyen de pouvoir te dire ce que je ressens sans que tu me détestes.

(I needed a way to be able to tell you how i feel without you hating me.)

Parce que je sais que tu ne m'aimes pas en retour. Qui pourrait m'aimer de retour? Je suis un morceau de merde sans valeur.

(Because I know you don’t love me back. Who could love me back? I’m a worthless piece of shit.)

Vous voyez, vous n'avez absolument aucune idée de ce que je dis. En ce moment, tes joues sont d'un rouge vif avec combien tu rougis, et ton sourire n'a jamais été aussi beau.

(See, you have absolutely no idea what I’m saying. Right now, your cheeks are bright red with how much you’re blushing, and your smile has never been more beautiful.)

Tant que je continue à sourire et à parler, ce regard restera sur votre visage. Je ne veux jamais que tu arrêtes de sourire.

(As long as I keep smiling and talking, that look will stay on your face. I never want you to stop smiling.)

Ok, maintenant pour la vraie merde.

(Okay, now for the real shit.)

Eddie Kaspbrak, je t'aime depuis que nous avons neuf ans. Vous avez toujours été mon refuge, pour les nuits où il n'est pas sûr de rentrer à la maison, ou j'en ai fini avec le monde.

(Eddie Kaspbrak, I have loved you since we were 9 years old. You have always been my safe haven, for nights when it isn’t safe to go home, or I’m just done with the world.)

Vous êtes la seule personne à qui je fais confiance. Sauf ça. C'est la seule chose que vous ne saurez jamais, parce que je sais que vous ne ressentirez jamais la même chose.

(You are the one person I trust everything to. Except this. This is the one thing that you’ll never know, because I know you’ll never feel the same.)

Je t'aime Eddie Kaspbrak, je t'aime.

(I love you Eddie Kaspbrak, I love you.)”

Eddie giggled. “What the hell did you just say?”

“Oh, um, just a very detailed description of your mom’s vagina. I can retell it in English if you’d like?”

“Beep beep Richie.” Eddie said whilst laughing, as Richie sat admiring him, a wistful expression on his face.

A few days later saw Richie climbing into Eddie’s window at 3am with a bust lip and a black eye and tears streaming down his cheeks.

Without having to ask, Eddie pulled him into his bed and wrapped his arms around the crying boy. Richie wouldn’t stop muttering something in French until he fell asleep.

“Je t'aime.” Eddie made himself a promise that he’d look those words up as soon as the library was open tomorrow.

As soon as Richie left the next morning, Eddie pulled on a Red sweatshirt, one of Richie’s that he’d left behind years ago, and some shorts. He ran out of the house, making sure to kiss his mother goodbye before he left, and raced to the library.

He walked in and asked the receptionist to point him towards the ‘languages’ section.

He grabbed himself the first French dictionary he could find and flipped straight to the ‘T’ chapter, he already knew that ‘Je’ mean ‘I’.

Eddie gasped when he read the meaning. He dropped the book, causing a loud thud, and ran straight for the exit. He clambered back onto his bike and sped down the streets. He knew where Richie would be. The out of use highway bridge. He would always go there on a Saturday to smoke, listen to The Smiths and get away from his Parents.

Eddie threw his bike down as soon as he arrived, taking a puff from his asthma inhaler. “Richie?” He called out.

“Eddie?” He looked up to see Richie sat on the bridge’s ledge, feet swinging backwards and forwards. Eddie began to run up the hill towards the dark haired boy, whilst said boy stumbled down towards him. They met halfway.

“Eds, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be babysitting your mother or something.”

“Je t'aime aussi.” Eddie stated, not even bothering to tell Richie off for calling him Eds.

“What?” Richie looked unsure of what he’d just heard.

“Je t’aime aussi.” Eddie took a breath. “I love you too.”

Richie wasted no time in pulling Eddie in by his waist, connecting their lips. Eddie fisted his hands in the collar of Richie’s shirt. They pulled away a few moments later, in need of air, and rested their foreheads together.

This felt right. This felt like home.

[irvscibles-blog]

SO ?? i am very late to this party and what do i have to show for it ? this shitshow below the read more …. before i let y’all deal with that , i’ll distract you w me for a lil bit !! im dav, gmt tz and he/him pronouns & i couldn’t even tell you were hawaii is on the map nevermind maui ?? my geography skills suck and i aint even sorry bc im a bad bitch n that how it be sometimes ! but my if y’all like a bad bitch who cries over vines @ 3am and stans pearl liason and ben de la creme , then i’m ur kinda bad bitch ! so if you get through this monstrosity below and still wanna plot , like it and my ass will be thrown into your IMs ! 

*. ☼ wait, how have you never heard of ATLAS MASON? he has only lived in maui for, like, eight years now! plus they look so much like MATTHEW DADDARIO. the twenty seven year old is known for being pretty candid & debonair, although they can be a little casuistic & irascible. someone told me they’re the CONNARD of their group – oh, wait, here they come now! [ cismale & he/him ] 

i wanna begin by saying that pls dont expect so much from this kid bc he cant handle high expectations… he kinda just … sucks ???

his parents were and remain to be absolute assholes that he consider to be his bane of existence like they rly didn’t give him it easy growing up and it wasn’t like the tough love ?? it was just tough shit … he was an only child to parents who didn’t know what to do at their young age and just let him grow up … v bad maternal deprivation which didn’t support his growth AT ALL !! 

they lived in santa barbara, cali in a one-bedroom apartment where he practically spent his childhood around alcohol and strangers … it wasnt … healthy ?? LUCKILY , he was saved by neighbors and social services who got him into the foster care system ! 

growing up home - to - home after being in a real fucked up one didn’t settle well with little atlas and he was just caused nightmares for everyone and thing !

for a kid to be so angry all the time did not benefit anyone , especially himself ! this anger was mostly taken out physically on people and these people had been the ones that attempted to make connections with him ! he was foreign to the idea of being cared for as it hadn’t been taught from birth … it sucked for him !

for him to build a relationship , it’s hard and they rarely ever form to ever break and he normally assumes thats a good thing because he knows that the more that he keeps to himself , the better … 

for him not being a sociable soul led to him spending his time physically through music and gym … that’s how his life kind of ended up ? it was a cycle for him to get by without making conversation … sure he spoke but it was only when he had something to say of importance …

he kinda just keeps everyone at this restricted distance without letting them get too close to him, but even if he does let them in ?  he just lowers some boundaries and allows everything else to remain secluded

deep down there somewhere , he’s just meant for good but refuses to express it …. he has no life purpose and just kind of exists ? he’d probably crack a smile around that one person but they’d be so lucky … it’d be one for the books ! 

he moved to maui at the age of nineteen after spending a whole year waiting for his passport and several years scraping together cash for a one-way ticket there ! it had seemed like the place where all your worries were non-existent and you were just kinda … free ? he enjoyed that idea and kind of went out there with no plan !

he didn’t get far in maui without a job and he was illegally livin for a few months before he’d got enough for a stable amount of rent and such ! he lives near the coast and really became friends with the view ! 

now ? he kinda still does the same shit , still quiet as fuck , still got no good morals , still a dirtbag , does illegal shit for tips , threatens visually , sighs a LOT … he needs company but will refuse if you offer

he also Gay .. as fuck ... too gay 2 function ... sry ladies not sry ...

wanted connections of his !

roommate (0/1): this person is the only reason he can afford his place .. he doesn’t talk to them nor does he want to … they know their limits and thats that !

love interest (0/1): hope u like angst ! that’s all this relationship will be until they finally get to the point of figuring out they like one another ! he’s hard to love , pls !

associates (0/?): people he’ll say he knows to get himself out of trouble and allows the same concept to work vise versa , they just use one another for their own benefit … it just be like that 

a place to call home (0/1): he does have a HEART ! this person just has a special place in it ? mayb they gave him a sofa to crash on when he moved to maui ? mayb he drinks with them ? they could be bros , even atlas would admit that ! he just needs one (1) person to rely on !

ANYWAYS ! i suck n don’t rly know what this silent bitch wants ? so if u got ideas , let me know !

[ofcowardiceandkings]

jus jotting down me thoughts ;n;

all of my emotions have jumbled the fuq together and my head is just a mess right now its like Bad Juju soup hmm 

now that ive spent 2 weeks in this emotional hellscape but ive STILL been blogging about sherlock even though it hurts to even look at it i know i cant let it go ,, and tbh theres a part of me that doesnt want to let go ? 

like i hardcore got into this as tjlc happened as a crutch to distract me from thinking about the fact that id just had a fairly severe breakdown for the first time in my life and it just plugged the holes , ive built myself on it and i cant just whip out the foundations without breaking the rest of me too,, it still just hurts to even contemplate now though yesterday i kept bursting into tears whenever a particularly poignant gifset turned up on my dash but the whole thing is far too important to me and i still adore it all with my whole heart even though its breaking lol 

i will always love sherlock holmes but ben and martin ARE my holmes and watson now im stuck with it they were so good ;3; ive never been gripped by something this hard before like what would i even do with my time without this show ?? ive still got hands in my other fave interests but its not been this strong since before LoZ skyward sword came out and that only lasted for a year at most where this is nearly 5 now i think ?? its my default thought but now its kind of tainted , it hurts to see it but i cant NOT see it , its as much a part of me as my arm but what if i dont want this arm anymore ..,

ive just broken into selling at conventions as well so i will HAVE to keep my hand in there if i want to have any stock to take with me theres no time to make up a whole new collection of artwork to sell , this is my livelihood now ,, like selfish moment i really hope this whole mess hasnt put too many people off or i will just be broke until i can pull myself together lol 

and its extra difficult to ignore because tfp was SO wrong and nothing really makes sense so ive still got this little glimmer of hope and i hate myself for still playing the game even begrudgingly im TIRED , but nothing makes sense without our reading literally So Much thats happened doesnt add up right now like there HAS to be something going on here ?? i hate it but i know i will just wait to see , like i keep saying i need closure i need to know what the fuck happened something is Very Wrong,, the huge amount of resentment and the feeling of betrayal will always be with me now it may die down but its just There , what couldve been instead of rapidly cycling us through all stages of grief once every few days and alienating their most dedicated audience and how much theyve hurt my friends ,, i know its all very melodramatic but i wont be able to move past it all as easily as some people because if they really have just tanked the show theyve wrecked the last bit of agency i had left in my tiny birdcage of a life

it would all be so much easier to deal with if they hadnt just shattered 3 years worth of community i know were all talking and holding onto each other and thats great but the tension and atmosphere is killing me theyve taken away our primary connection they pulled the rug out from under the wrong people ,, its not even so much my own emotions thats tanking me right now the hyperempathy thing i have is just carrying everyone elses emotions and its horrible to see what its been doing to you all its horrifying ,, and its just adding to the feeling of isolation now its gonna probably be more difficult to meet up with people, and i havent been with anyone from tumblr since september 2015 i feel so alone even with everyone still here ,, im terrified of just drifting away from everyone i know it probably wont happen but just ??

idk i feel so lost now ? 

mphhh this is the worst ive felt in years and im so glad i still have all of you around me i love and appreciate you all so very much :( id give anything to make this un-happen to you all

💙💙💙💙💙

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know whats unhealthy?

being made to be upset before 7am about things which are projections of the issues someone has with themselves and needs to find something or someone to blame for their own problem because admitting it is their own problem would be admitting a fault in themselves. 

you know? thats the lack of stability. 

he told me to make a list of my problems. i felt like maybe he should make a list of my problems because he seems to have a different list than i do. 

heres what i know:

a) i have very fast metabolism to the point i need to eat frequently throughout the day in order to feel super super on top amazng healthy. i cannot afford to eat healthier or as frequently as i want to. this leads to buying lower quality food to try and buy “bulk” amounts to last longer or things with “empty” calories just for sustenance. i occassionally buy fresh vegetables and fruits but they are not a good investment when you’re poor. period. a box of rice costs 1.99. three apples cost about the same. can you eat 3 apples for a meal? a very frequent problem is not being able to afford to eat alot in the day and then getting a meal at the end of the day from his home but only being served ridiculously small portions. i’m grateful for anything at all but it’s not enough for me to not feel hungry afterwards. 

however when we eat snacks in the evening and sleep on it, my normal very fast metabolism is not active. this has caused me to put on 10 extra pounds that i have not carried in at least 5 years. what can i do? i dont have alot of options at my disposal. 

b) rheumatoid arthritis runs in my family. this is an autoimmune disease. this means that the genetic line in my background dictates that the dna that makes up my body is suspcetible to creating a being with weaker joints because the body itself - not by injury, activity, or lack there of, is attacking the joints. being prone to having weaker joints means that it is important to strengthen and stretch and be active however it also means knowing that you have some physical limitations in your activity. maybe your activity will be like 30 minutes instead of an hour. but it’s still being active. 

one of the biggest issues i have by far are very weak knees. well .. i think thats actually the wrong word to describe the issue. that automatically implies that i need to strengthen my knees. my knees have painful joints that are unable to maintain repetitive motions such as cycling or walking for long periods of time. maybe a knee brace would help not create so much stress and tear on joints and ligaments that are natually inclined to wear quickly but those cost _money_. 

additionally, i can continue being active after a break. like i can do 20 minutes of very good, heart pumping activity with repetitive motions but then i need a break because its very painful and stressed and once its able to relax, it’s good to go. i don’t think this implies i’m unable to be active. i think this implies that i have a moderate activity level right now that is equal to how much nutrition i get and the expecations i have during activity.

c) i smoke cigarettes. sucks. i dont do chemical or pharmaceutical drugs. i maybe do shrooms once every few years. i smoke weed. i have never been addicted to chemical or pharmaceutical drugs in my life. i have never injected drugs in my life. i have never smoked chemical drugs. i have inhaled drugs probably 7 - 10 times in my lifetime. i only casually drink alcohol and have only drank to excess maybe 7 - 10 times in my ife where i’ve vomited or had a hangover. i have maybe 10 beers over the course of 4 - 6 months at a time. that’s the lvel of “casually drinking” i have. i almost never drink mixed alcohol anymore but used to drink on a more frequent basis and drank orange juice with vodka primarily. so guess what? despite the obvious ill effects that smoking has had on all of my organs, i probably havent created any additional issues to my major organs by doing any of these things. i have not created any stress on my heart or my liver. 

but i do smoke. and that is legitimately the worst thing i do in my life in terms of harming myself or being unhealthy. absolutely nothing in my lifestyle is more unhealthy than smoking. in no way what so ever do i deny the effects smoking has. it is very very bad. not only do i have some breathing issues naturally to begin with including asthma and apnea but i am now putting layers of toxic tar on top of my lungs and much of it admittedly has been unfiltered for almost 10 years and have ben low quality tobacco. not that higher quality is necessarily better but lower seems like its probably even worse. probably like even more random chemicals they dont write anywhere. ive pulled out like pieces of wood from cigarettes before. my dad rolled his own for a long time as well. it’s bad. it’s totally completely bad.

this is going to cause negative side effects in my life in the future. for sure. will i get cancer? maybe. it doesnt run in my family but maybe? lymphoma? copd? sounds like it could maybe happen but again, genetically i’m not pre-disposed but i can cause it by smoking regardless. everyone in my family smokes. they did not age super well in terms of like.. visually. and mentally theyre totally fuked up. but physically theyre oddly in decent shape. like theyre all still moderately active people capable of doing things in their 50s and 60s which is probably a decent sign they’ll be moderately mobile in their 70s and 80s. 

d) depression is the NUMBER ONE DISEASE THAT RUNS IN MY FAMILY ON BOTH SIDES. VERy SErIOUS CLINICAL DEPRESSION WHICH GOeS UNTREATED FOR YEARS IF NOT DECADES. my uncle shot himself in the stomach with his kids in the next room and he was not even blood related. thats how much depression runs in this family. we attract more depression. and it’s not just depression but i’m going to use it as a blanket term because to simplify the pain of this generational experience its that everyone deeply suffers from depression as a disease and not as just like.. a way to describe a deep sadness. a good number of people in my family who are my age but third generation are on drugs. you can clearly tell. my cousin lives in a hospital for huffing glue as a teenager and hes like an old man now. the matriarch on my fathers side literally jujust abandoned all of her children. just peaced the fuck out. literally. thats fucked! 

but what we have to KNOW - we HAVE to KNOW that depression is a disease in this family. trauma is accepted and depression is a genetic disease passed down. if we dont KNOW this then we’re fucked. we’re all fucked. you have to know the enemy. you have to know what youre fighting in order to win. many people so far have passed because of a heart attack or diabetic complications. however the more and more i think about it (which is a lot. like everyday.) my father died of depression. he had zero will to live anymore and its lke.. he had guilt for that because i was there and i was a good kid who didnt do anything but try to help him but he had no will to live. it wasn’t selfish either - he gave me everything he could but he had absolutely no desire to carry on in life and he made harmful choices over and over again partially out of being stubborn, partially because he just did not care. he told me many times that he was WAITING TO DIE. my own father. and do you know what i replied? “i know dad. i’m waiting to die too.” and you know what he said? nothing. nothing. we just existed in silent empathy of eachother - understanding. 

depression will absolutely kill me before any disease does if i do not get taken out by a random heart attack which honestly i am terrible at eating salt in moderation so i feel like im more likely to have like a sodium related issue that in combination with smoking would lead to a random heart attack. but i would never, in my opinion, knock on wood, suffer from a long term disease because i already do and depression will totally kill me way before anything else. right now, at 27, i can see me going until 40. maybe. MAYBE. ive already done 27 years. but the next 10 are going to be fucked. totally fucked. and if i make it until 40 then wow. wowwww. 

e) i am very .. easily persuaded in regards to someone telling me an observation they have about me. i have experienced trauma numerous times by multiple people which has created a personality flaw that leads to very serious emotional & mental instability with how i perceive myself and what i know and what i’ve seen. this is not a “disorder”. this is not an “illness”. this is a personality flaw which has been created through life experiences. essentially, by listening to other people amd choosing to believe them over what i legitimately know to be true is one way of choosing to harm myself. i am “doing it to myself” even though these people could be being assholes at the time. but i am not capable of immediately filtering and having the confidence in what i know - because it’s been questioned so often i question my literal sanity and reality of the world on an hourly basis - so instead of knowing how to cope, instead i allow the traumatic experiences to play out as i am familiar to them acting out. they tell me something, i accept it, question myself, fight with myself and being picking apart things that maybe arent even that big of issues but ive correlated it with what theyve said and now im focused on all these problems i think i have with myself. 

i was told i was sick for a long time. do you get that? i’m not even making this up. like the fact im SAYING THAT should be enough. i was told by my mother that i was sick for a long time. i was told this. she made up all the fucking things she could and told me and told doctors and everyone that i was sick. i had many infections and illnesses and just.. things. i was sick. i was TOLD i was sick. i was TOLD i had a problem i couldnt see or feel or hear. and thus the cycle begins.

i fight it as well - but i’m not sick. i’m not sick. i’m not weak. i’m not stupid. OBVIOUSLY. OBVIOUSLY IM NONE OF THESE THINGS. but im listening to these convoluted assholes spouting opinions which again are projections of their own personal insecurities make me doubt myself and question if i am. maybe i am. maybe i’m so stupid i cant even see what they see. now theyre in a position of power. to counteract i spend my time having one sided arguments and writing personal essays about how i’m none of these things and this doesnt even make sense because all this other shit happened!  but now ive stressed over something that meant nothing to my being for x amount of time, become tired and stressed out, emotional and depressed. 

~~~~

last night i kind of felt like i didnt really want to be sleeping at his house. i was uncomfortable and had trouble breathing and the silence combined with his heavy breathing is soo grating it takes sometimes hours to fall asleep. i still like sleeping with him. i do. after this conversation, i dont realy feel like i want to hang out with him again anytime soon anyways. 

i have to balance and meditate on my own knowledge and perceptions because i have not been wrong before about how he infers more “important” or “bigger” emotions. we have been together for a year but he refused to acknowledge a relationship until last week. which means we are not emotionally affectionate - we don’t express affection in words either but we are both very aware that we are in love. 

i believe he knows that i am both the problem and not the problem at the same time. i believe he has a lot of love for me on a lot of levels and would do just about anything for me. i believe he wants a future with me and wants to have me in his life “forever” but he can’t be promised forever if i’m dead at 40. he cant invest all this emotional attachment to someone whos going to die. he needs to know im not going to die and everytime i light a cigarette in front of him im choosing that over living with him until im dead. 

i lso believe some of the frustration comes from knowing he could live with me in some capacity if we didnt smoke weed or i smoked cigarettes or we ate junk food because we would have more money to build an appropriate life (possibly to his standards) together. 

quitting smoking is not something im considering right now because its acrutch. its a daily crutch that gets me from one difficult 5 minutes to the next. i am very scared to live without it because i am not capable of handling long term stress emotionally & mentally right now. i also have no real personal desire to stop. its not a big deal to me and if i did quit i am sure they would all ask me if i felt better etc. and ii’d just shrug and tell them sure. they feel better, clearly, so i guess i feel better because i dont listen to them put me down for my personal choices in life anymore. just another thing im told. im told. im told. 

his ignorance to the legitimate issues and difficulties of living in long term poverty is overwhelming and to add trauma and depression on to it .. incomprehensible. 

additionally since he has no self control he wants other people to be his self control by not smoking weed or eating junk food and promoting an active lifestyle. he said he couldn’t take me biking or for  a run - and that’s fine; it’s not fun to do those activities with him. i’m not interested in exersizing with him, i’m interested in just being active and going at break neck speeds are not fun at all for me. i enjoy a level of activity that gets my heart rate going but is still leisurely and like.. not aggressive. i’m not looking to run aggressively, you know? if i die in a freak accident because my stamina is not good enough to run aggresively well then i die. it’s cool. i probably died in a fucked up way anyways if i needed to run aggressively away and at tht point kudos to me for trying at all. 

when we tried to canoe it was terrible. just a shitty experience because he likes adrenaline and the rush that pushing himself gives him but you know what? maybe - maybe. some people. just want to have a casual leisurely canoe ride. okay. thats not fucking terrible. they arent weak. theyre fucking enjoying life and the experience. thats how they enjoy it. go make some adrenaline junkie friends. let us slow pokes enjoy the ride. i am not required to fulfill every role in his life. i am not required to be his clone and like all the things he likes and do all the hings he does the way he does it. we have a ton of things in common already and we get along super well. his mother frequently buys pretty terrible pre-packaged foods and granola bars full of sugar and stocks his lunches full of fruit and like honestly fruit is good for you but you cant just eat fruit and say youre healthy. you cant eat shitty grocery store bread and say youre healthy. 

however we both like the same foods. whenever i cook for us he has never complained but openly complains about his mothers cooking. the only time he has complained is when i try to bake frozen fries in a fucking oven because his mother thinks its just “tht much healthier” when you’re eating fucing mccains frozen fries to begin with and then baking them until theyre brown to simulate cripsyness. 

if we lived together i could actually feed him healthy foods that are homemade and not store bought as i have done in all my previous live in relationships. i made dinner with multiple food groups every night too. alot of my lunches would be salad or soup or a sandwhich or all of it together. did i also eat snacks? fuck yes. did all i eat qualify as a snack? no. i ate healthy. and i actually ate even healthier as i got older and included more vgetbles and fruits in my regular diet. 

but living between two places and having his mother feed us once a day is pretty fucking stupid. sry2say. buy your own foods. know that the cupboard doesnt restock magically. when you make foods you actually accept in eating left overs of or create lunches a week a head of time like other people do  its not as easy to turn to snacks either.

but what do i know.

i’m just sitting here waiting for this guy to figure out that hes still causing 50% or more of the “problem”.