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aquanova99 · 3 years ago

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Omg wow we are getting a lot of content these days! I was wondering what you think of Alice since she seems to be everyone’s favorite and extremely op

Lmao thanks anon, appreciate it 😊 also before i get into what I think about Alice, did anyone else notice that any asks have the erase and answer button dangerously close to eachother? I was so scared and careful to not erase anything

Okay on to my opinions 😬

People only like Alice because she was either their sexual awakening and that’s thanks to Ashley Greene 😍 or they like their own headcanons of her.

Sorry. Okay now for the explanation. Alice is next to Edward one of the worst Cullens.

Alice is a bad friend

And no one wants to admit it. Several times throughout the books she shows us how little she actually cares about Bella. We know Bella hates attention and what does Alice do force her to have a birthday party. Bella hates weddings and after she agrees to marry Edward wants to Elope? Alice guilt trips Bella and tells her she doesn’t even love her because she won’t let her throw her Bella a wedding. Bella wants to see Jacob? Alice keeps her hostage in exchange for a Porsche, which she can buy her self btw. She also knows that the day Edward and Bella breathe on eachother for four hours in the meadow that Bella might not make it out of there, she still encourages Edward to go because she wants Bella to be her Barbie doll friend. Actually on that note, in midnight sun we find out there’s a bigger chance Bella becomes a happy meal to Edward but if she makes it they’ll be great friends which is why she encourages Edward to talk to her in the first place

Alice’s Gift is only a Plot Point

I know there’s at least one person who won’t accept this but oh well. But seriously her gift works solely for Bella’s story. She can’t see the wolves because she was never a one of them, same with Renasberry, right? Wrong. She was able to see James coming to eat her when she was a human, she’d never been a vampire. On the topic of the wolves, would Bella never leave Jacobs side after that? Like she should have been able to see Bella at some point in the future because she wasn’t with Jacob at every second of the day.

Also her gifts work if she’s looking for a certain person or said person affects her in some way. The whole point that the volturi need Alice doesn’t make sense because she would have to focus on every vampires intention to hurt the volturi and as we see in breaking dawn it’s exhausting to be constantly searching so she’d be kind of useless. Not to mention the decision to attack the volturi could very well be random and it would be too late before she saw it coming because she can’t se last minute decisions, which is why she didn’t see Bella going off to the ballet studio in the first book.

Supposedly she used her visions to find the safest option for her to survive, which should be the volturi honestly so that doesn’t really track. Alice is just molded into whatever SMeyer needs at that moment and it’s usually for Bella’s sake.

I’m sorry but she not a good person

I mean other than how she treats Bella. Homegirl was the first one to throw the dog insult to Jacob (not getting into how SMeyers treatment of the wolfpack was so racist it’s unbelievable people still defend her). She tells Bella that werewolves aren’t safe when her husband literally slurped Bella up like a capri sun a few months prior on her birthday.

The first thing she does when she wakes up is literally have a vision of Jasper and she says, “ooh a confederate? That’s the one for me.” And before any one comes for me and says she changed him canonically SMeyer has said that the mindset they died in is the mindset they have so fuck off he’s still racist and he was proud to be a confederate in eclipse, and yes I headcanon him differently because I love Jackson Rathborne. Anyways back to Alice…

She uses her gift to manipulate everything. There’s one point in the books where she’s says that she knows something because “she’s seen it” and Bella can’t tell if she’s just saying that because there’s no way to know and she knows she can just say that and people will believe her. She issues her gift to have an endless supply of money that she uses so no one in the Cullens wears the same thing twice. I’m sorry but do you know how wasteful that is? Not to mention that would be so suspicious even if she did donate them, which would jeopardize the Cullens. She has all of this money and does absolutely no good with it, I can’t stand her.

They e been around so many years you would think they would invest in a lab to make some kind of synthetic blood but she doesn’t actually care about people, as stated above when she was risking Bella’s life on the off chance she gets a friend. And she knew she would have to go with the Cullens so she tried the veggie diet on and off not because she cared about humans but because she needed the Cullens protection as a coven.

Also Alice and her love of shopping and parties, if Alice had been juman Bella would have HATED her. Jessica likes the same things but she’s villanized because that’s superficial and shallow. Alice is Jessica in vampire form but everyone loves Alice because she’s quirky and fun and buys stuff for Bella that Bella doesn’t want.

I will absolutely add more to this but this is all that comes to mind at the moment.

#aquas asks #twilight #breaking dawn #eclipse #new moon #alice cullen #alice cullen imagine

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volturialice · 5 years ago

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Spork Haven chapter 22: outlandish fucking statue

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward and murder witness cello student ex-hotel maid!Bella got ready to go to an awards show! and that was it that was the entire chapter

SADDLE UP CHUCKLEFUCKS, THIS CHAPTER IS GREAT. like, I legitimately mean that. a lot of stupid shit goes down and it is absolutely bonkers and thoroughly entertaining. this is the reward I deserve after putting up with the last few dead boring chapters. chapter 22 has restored my faith in this story’s ability to be wildly, audaciously stupid all over the place, like the shitting hippopotamus of stories.

chapter 22 begins with Bella and Edward getting into the car to get to the airport to get on the studio’s private jet to fly to a different airport to get into a limo to get to the awards ceremony. okay, so maybe it’s not fun right off the bat. just hang on a sec.

on the drive, Edward notices Bella’s lack of delicious, suck-able earrings. she tells him she lost one, and he tells her he found it in her room and has kept it as a trophy. now he can’t stand the sight of her disgusting, shamefully naked ears, declaring that she should be wearing

so he makes Mike pull over at a Tiffany’s. I’m not even kidding. they’re on their way to an official event and he insists they need a pit stop to go jewelry shopping. Tiffany’s should really have a drive-thru for occasions like these.

Bella is not allowed out of the car for security reasons, so Edward takes Jasper to Tiffany’s instead. honestly at this point I am so checked out that nothing would please me more than a sharp left turn into Edward/Jasper territory, but alas, the most we get is Edward calling Jasper

and telling us how bitter and jealous Jasper is as Edward casually drops twelve grand on a single pair of earrings.

Edward makes sure to tell us how clueless he is choosing earrings, in case we needed to be reminded of what a good ol’ fashioned Red-Blooded Hetero™ he is. he’s so out of his depth here, among all this

don’t worry ladies, this hunk of oozing testosterone has never seen a diamond or a sparkle in his life

he quickly picks a pair of earrings called the “Victoria Double Drop,” which is as close as this story will get to having Victoria in it. oh well. on second thought it’s probably for the best that way, seeing as how in f!fty sh@des, erika made Victoria a head of Human Resources.

back in the car, Bella opens the

causing Edward to feel such varied emotions as

and

but of course Bella loves the earrings and puts them on right away.

I...assume we’re supposed to be impressed with Edward’s generosity and largesse and thoughtfulness here, but. do I even need to point out that if he were actually a thoughtful and considerate boyfriend, he would have spent more than two seconds picking out a gift for Bella and done it, oh, maybe a day or two before the black tie event as opposed to in the car on the way there?

Edward, Bella, and their retinue (Emmett, Jasper, and Edward’s movie’s director, Chris, who is completely unimportant to the story but still here for some reason) board the jet, which is decorated in

Ed and Bella sit down on the couch, causing Edward to have a flashback to the time he had a threesome with two beautiful flight attendants on the same couch last year.

like actually. that’s an actual thing in the actual story. flight attendant threesome.

Edward catches Bella eyeing him during his fun little reverie and has a moment of panic

wait, was that a joke? was that a...fun reference to canon?

...gosh,

if only it were in a better story

anyway. after the plane ride, the gang meets up with Taylor and gets into some

to head to the read carpet. once on said carpet, they pose for “the fucking press corps” in a paragraph where erika hilariously mixes up flashbulbs and flashlights, making it sound like everyone on the red carpet is playing flashlight tag.

Bella gets a lot of attention from the press and seems uncomfortable with it, causing Edward to wonder if it was a good idea to bring a shy person who’s spent the last six months in hiding from murderers to such a high profile event. ya fucking think?

they talk to a bunch of people Edward hates and drink a glass of champagne

remember kids, champagne is gay. this post brought to you by Beer Hets™

Ed and Bella sit down for the ceremony, and guess whomst is one of the award presenters? that’s right, the delectable old vain blonde hussy herself.

and just when I thought Safe Haven!Bella couldn’t possibly get any stupider, I’m proven wrong.

not to get all Serious And Analytical here, but Safe Haven is an amazing example of erika’s patented “write a heroine so unbelievably fucking dumb that all of the creepy male love interest’s abusive, controlling actions seem justified” method.

Tanya opens the Best Actor envelope with

and pauses for

and surprise, surprise, Edward has won. the audience dissolves into

then Edward goes up to collect his award, and we get one of my favorite paragraphs of all time, which I have here preserved for you in its entirety:

yes, that was 5 “fucks” in...two? sentences

then Edward and Tanya have to do a photo op in front of a “lit to fuck board.” Tanya makes some catty remark about Bella and Edward snaps at her that Bella is “the future Mrs. Cullen, if you don’t mind.”

quick sidebar, are we sure an adult wrote this? like are we sure it wasn’t a ten-year-old? have we double-checked? like are we totally certain?

ok then.

Edward and Bella make their way to the after party, where they drink more champagne (gay) and something finally dawns on Edward

no, and no official, televised, US-based event would serve her in the first place. I can’t wait for the next chapter, in which all these characters serve 60 days in jail for supplying alcohol to a teenager.

then Bella starts to feel dizzy, so Emmett takes her to the ladies’ room while Edward poses for more pictures. place your bets now on whether she’s poisoned, pregnant, or both! my money’s on “both” but I wish it was just poison. that would be way more fun.

and indeed, some type of skulduggery seems to be afoot, because when Edward joins Emmett to lurk outside the ladies’ room, Bella still hasn’t come back after five whole minutes! Edward and Emmett share a glance

I’m sorry erika but literally what is the point of describing them like that if they aren’t going to fall in love?? can you fucking read, erika? can you read the phrase “dark burning eyes”?? can you read that last sentence aloud and then honestly sit here and tell me it’s not the gayest thing since gay sliced bread?? hmm? can you???

after this epically, gloriously homosexual moment, Edward bursts into the ladies’ room, surprising all the ladies who are engaged in activities like

you know, the more of el james’ work I encounter, the more I’m convinced that she has never actually met another human woman and that her only source of information on womankind is stock photos.

Edward rushes through the women’s restroom, checking every stall, only to find that—alas—horror of horrors—Bella has disappeared! oh, the humanity!

he fights “the nausea that’s threatening to erupt all over the fucking floor,” and there the chapter ends.

predictions: chapter 23 will begin with Edward projectile vomiting all over the women’s room. then it turns out that Bella is totally fine and was just taking some Me Time in order to laugh alone with a salad.

best “fucks”

“a complete fucking delight”

“every fucking muscle”

“a fucking house on fire”

“pouty fucking lip”

“secretly fucking pleased” (bella)

“fucking elegant” (bella)

“fucking blinking” (the Tiffany’s salesgirl)

“fucking flashy” (earrings)

“fucking animated” (bella)

“one of the biggest fucking mouths in Hollywood” (tanya)

“completely fucking oblivious” (bella)

next chapter: salt fucking peter

#spork haven #twilight fanfiction #anti e.l. james #alcohol mention //#if I had to guess I think this chapter has the most 'fucks' of any chapter #it's a good one lads #we're BACK baby #unsafe for work text //

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imaginejamesandsirius · 7 years ago

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Could you write a soulmate au where James's soulmark could fit Lily or Sirius and he just always assumed it meant Lily so they're in a relationship even though neither of them really feel it. And then he gets to know Sirius better (maybe he's in Slytherin or they're at uni or something) and he realises that sirius is his soulmate so him and Lily break up and James and sirius live happily even after and so does Lily (with remus or marlene maybe?). Sorry, that's probably really weird and specific.

Sirius wanted to rub at his soulmark, but he knew better than to have a tell like that. So he glared at nothing in particular and let everyone else think what they will. An entire of summer of being isolated enough to touch it when it was unsettled had let him get comfortable, and now he was back at school. With a soulmate that had rejected him at the end of the last term. Oh yeah. It was going to be a great year.

“People are going to think you’re plotting their mass murder if you keep looking that way,” Regulus said beside him. Sirius glanced at him, but he already had his gaze back on his book. “What’s got you in a sour mood anyway?”

“Nothing,” he lied.

It was Regulus though, so he knew better and just scoffed lightly.

“What are you reading that for? I know it’s not a class.”

“Oh?” Regulus said, and tried to hide the content of his book without making it obvious that that’s what he was doing. “And since when did you pay enough attention to your classes to make that kind of judgement?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed the book before Regulus could sneak it all the way into his bag. He raised an eyebrow slightly and gave Reg a look. “Werewolves?” He checked the author. A blood purist arsehole, no surprise, probably spouting fear-mongering bullshit. “You aren’t going to learn anything from this bastard.”

“I know,” Regulus said, snatching the book back and pretending that there wasn’t a blush crossing his cheeks. “It was the only one the library had.”

“The only way you’re going to learn shite about a werewolf is to ask one.”

“Well that would defeat the purpose wouldn’t it.”

“Reg…”

“Shove off,” he grumbled, but it was obviously from embarrassment rather than anger.

“We have a resident werewolf,” he said leadingly, watching with perverse glee as Regulus’s shoulders started to hunch, “who just so happens to be unbonded. Now, the only reason I can think of ickle little Reggie to be interested in werewolves is if he has some sort of clue to--”

Reg slapped a hand over his mouth and glared. He glanced around nervously even though he knew just as well as Sirius that no one could hear them because of the silencing spell they’d put up when they sat. “Fine, okay? I think it might be him.” Slowly, he took his hand, as if daring Sirius to say something stupid so he could cover his mouth again.

“I don’t think reading that book is going to win you any points with him.”

Regulus sighed, turning back to his mostly empty plate. “I wanted to be certain.”

“Are you sure it’s him?”

“Pretty sure. What are the chances I’m going to meet a different werewolf that could be my soulmate?”

Sirius didn’t say anything. Unless Regulus moved to a different country, it was practically guaranteed that his soulmate was Lupin. Well, one of them. “It’s only one of them, right?” If it was both, Regulus’s life just became a lot more difficult.

“What?”

“Your soulmates. Only one of them is a werewolf, right?”

Regulus’s face shuttered even though he knew Sirius didn’t mean anything by it. Mother and Father insisted that Reg only had the one soulmate, that somehow the marks were merged to mean one person even though they obviously referred to two separate entities. Similarly, they pretended that Sirius didn’t have a soulmate at all because it was better than believing it was a Potter. “Seems that way.”

“C’mon Reg, cheer up. You know they’re happier with your marks than mine.”

“Barely.”

That was true enough, though they could by no stretch of the imagination be considered ‘happy’ with either of their sons. Sirius shrugged. “Couple more years and you’ll be in the clear.”

“So will you,” Regulus said, looking at him with a slight frown.

“Heir. They want me to be as miserable as both of them are. If Bella’s soulmate doesn’t turn out to be a suitable match, you know they’re going to throw us together.”

“You’ve always talked about running away,” Regulus reminded him.

Sirius gave his brother a flat look. “If I leave, they’ll just drag you into it, and I doubt you’re offering to leave with me.”

Regulus hesitated. “I might.”

“Not with at least one soulmate in arm’s reach you won’t.” Sirius pat him on the back. “But I appreciate the offer.” It’s not like James wanted him anyways. Where would he go?

~~~

Sirius remembered getting his soulmark, looking at the design on his hip with wonder. It was a Great House crest, he knew, but he didn’t know which one. He could ask Father, couldn’t he? He’d be happy with it.

But when he showed Father, his expression darkened, he drank from his glass quickly, the only thing stopping him from drinking directly from the bottle his sense of pride. He grabbed Sirius’s arm harshly, pulling him close so he was in his face. Sirius leaned back as much as he could, disgusted by the smell, but it wasn’t enough.

“You don’t show anyone else this mark, you don’t tell anyone about it,” he ordered. “If someone asks, you don’t have a mark yet. Understood?”

“Yes sir,” Sirius mumbled, stumbling when Father let go of him. He rubbed at his arm for a moment before turning and running from the study.

Mother knew, but only because Father told her. Sirius himself still didn’t know what it meant yet. Two years later, a fancy party he didn’t want to go to, and he found out. The Potter’s were supposed to be blood traitors.

So what did it mean that Sirius had their crest etched into him for the rest of his life?

~~~

Sirius was eleven, finally out of his parents’ clutches, and excited to meet his soulmate. Purebloods talked, and they especially loved to talk about heirs, even the disgraced ones. James Potter, one of only two living Potters (not including Euphemia, who had married into the family) and the only one unbonded, was his age, and would be in his year at Hogwarts.

It was a dream come true the way they fit together, chatting like they’d always known each other. Then again, Sirius thought, they were two halves of one soul, it made sense that they would get on.

…But then James said something about feeling sorry for Sirius because he didn’t have a soulmate, and Sirius’s heart sank. He’d forgotten that that’s what his parents had told everyone, and with James being from a Noble House, he’d ‘know’ about it.

It might have been salvageable-- because it was a lie and his soulmate was right there!-- but James continued on. “I’ve just met my soulmate. The redhead in our year, you know, Evans? She hates me right now, but she’ll fall for me soon,” he said confidently.

Sirius nodded, too numb to do anything else, and that had been that. When he sat on the stool and the Sorting Hat dropped onto his head, he argued with it.

Not Gryffindor.

It’s where James would be put, he was sure. He wouldn’t be able to survive seven years sharing a dorm with him, he just wouldn’t.

So he fought and fought until the Hat finally called out, “Slytherin!” and he didn’t look at James as he walked to the Slytherin table.

~~~

Sirius tried not to stare at Lupin in shock. He succeeded, but it was a near thing. “Not many people have two soulmates,” he said neutrally, offering him a hand up.

He’d already taken it by the time what Sirius had said sunk in, but then he flinched away, choosing to stay sat on the floor. Sirius let his hand fall by his side, then, when Lupin showed no signs of getting up, he sat criss-crossed on the ground in front of him. Sirius wanted to sigh; it’s not like he meant to run into him on the stairs, crashing both of them down. However, since he had, he couldn’t ignore this new information.

“Does Potter know?” There wasn’t any mistaking the strong outline of a lily flower, and even less mistaking the leo constellation it encased, with-- surprise surprise-- the regulus star bigger than the others. Apparently Miss Evans was also a doe, based on Regulus’s second soulmark. Sirius needed to focus on Reg, that was the more immediate situation on hand.

Lupin glared at him. “You’re not going to tell him.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow, wondering if he could get away with telling Lupin that, as Potter’s soulmate, it was technically his right to inform him that his girlfriend had a soulmate that wasn’t him. Of course then he would have to admit that he’s known all along that James Potter was his soulmate, and that was not a pile of hippogriff shit that he wanted to deal with right now. Or ever. Instead, he asked, “Does Regulus? I don’t know why I’m asking, really, he obviously doesn’t know. If he did, you three would already be together. Rather determined, little Reggie.”

Lupin-- hell Sirius should probably start calling him Remus since he was his brother’s soulmate-- didn’t let his expression waver, but a flash of something went through his eyes. Hope, maybe?

“I wonder if his other soulmate is Lily too,” Sirius mused, purely for Remus’s benefit since Sirius didn’t believe Reg would have two soulmates that weren’t involved with each other. Regulus wasn’t going to take that first leap, unless someone nudged Remus he wouldn’t either, and like hell would he talk to Evans about this even if she was the one most likely to do something with the information. “He’d be happy to hear that, I think.”

Remus snorted. “Happy that he has a muggleborn and a- someone like me for a soulmate?” The stumble in his words reminded Sirius that Remus didn’t actually know they were aware he was a werewolf. Sirius thought for a moment about telling him, but that wouldn’t go well, and besides it wasn’t his problem. “Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled.”

“Have you ever talked to my brother?” Sirius asked pointedly. “He’s not full of as much blood purist shite as you seem to think.”

“And you?” Remus challenged, but he sounded more curious than accusatory, so that was something. It’s not like they’d fought in all their years at Hogwarts, preferring to simply not talk.

“Until my beloved parents are with the Black ancestors of generations past, the official party line is that I am.” Sirius shrugged with a helpless ‘what can you do’ air.

“And you’re telling me all this why?” he asked suspiciously.

Sirius stared at him flatly before saying, “You’re my brother’s soulmate.” Sirius got to his feet and dust off imaginary dirt from his robes. “Regardless, if you don’t tell him by tonight, I will.” He didn’t wait for a reply before he started walking away. He’d probably tell Evans tomorrow unless Reg could give a good excuse for why he shouldn’t. Even if he did, Sirius might tell her. He was selfish, and honest enough to admit it, if only to himself.

“Wait!”

Sirius paused, half-turning so he could see Remus, who had finally stood up.

He looked around, checking that no one had entered the corridor. “Does he know? About Lily?”

“Not yet. He had his suspicions about you,” Sirius added. See? He was a good person, helping other people find their soulmates even though he’d already said all this, if not in so many words. His previous good mood was rapidly turning to shite. He was happy for Reg-- really-- but that didn’t mean he wanted to be in the thick of things.

“And if I don’t tell him, you will. About both me and Lily.”

“Yep.” Sirius couldn’t deny that Evans having a confirmed soulmate in Remus and Regulus didn’t make him happy for the specific reason of breaking her and James up, but he would have told Regulus about her even if it didn’t benefit him. Knowing that didn’t lessen his building self-hatred.

“If he knows, he’ll tell Lily.”

“Probably,” Sirius lied. Regulus was many things, but brave in his personal life was not one of them. If Remus refused to tell Evans, Sirius would so Reg wouldn’t have to-- he wasn’t about to let his little brother suffer when he didn’t have to. He also didn’t know Remus well enough to trust that he’d take one for Reg. Soulmates or not, they didn’t know each other yet.

Remus chewed on his lip for a minute, before coming to a decision. “Do you know where he is right now?”

“Common room.” Unless he’d randomly decided to ditch his homework in favour of a walk like Sirius, which wasn’t likely.

“Will you take me?”

The only surprise Sirius showed was a single, out of place blink. “Sure.”

In the end, Reg was smiling, although he’d banned Sirius from being there for the conversation with the excuse that he wasn’t part of the relationship and therefore wasn’t needed. Sirius sighed dramatically, like that wasn’t the case, but left them alone. He didn’t have a chance to interrogate them about what they decided because Regulus came in the common room, gave Sirius a quick hug and smile, then left again.

Sirius was left staring after him, wanting desperately to ask if they were going to tell Evans. It was stupid, but he wanted Potter to be… unattached. Sirius couldn’t be with him, but he didn’t want anyone else to be either. They were soulmates, they belonged together. But- but they couldn’t be together. Frustrated with himself and his contradictory thoughts, Sirius stalked out of the room and through the castle until he was at the base of the astronomy tower.

Then he was even more upset.

He would come up here sometimes because it gave him a great view to watch the Gryffindor Quidditch practice, but it was far enough away that they wouldn’t see him. He did it more often when he was younger because now that he was older, he was in more classes with James. They actually interacted now, for classwork if nothing else, and there was nothing else. He had asked him out last year, when his heart was pounding just that bit too hard to be ignored, and gotten a confused ‘no’ in response, like James couldn’t understand why Sirius would even think to ask him. He’d tried to get some emotional distance since then, but clearly hadn’t succeeded if his subconscious took him here. He wanted to punch himself-- emotional distance from a soulmate just wasn’t possible.

Sirius sighed in defeat and trudged up the stairs. If he was already here, he might as well go all the way. He sat on the edge, letting his feet dangle as he leaned back on his hands to look at the sky. It was already past ‘getting dark’, but hadn’t quite reached ‘night’ yet. It was a good time of the day, in Sirius’s opinion, but he was biased-- being able to see in the dark because of his animagus form definitely had to do with it, not that he could tell anyone else that.

He was sat on the edge for- Merlin he didn’t even know. Long enough that it had become fully nighttime. Long enough that when he heard footsteps and turned to look, his body protested so completely that he couldn’t turn his head.

“Sirius?” James. Of all the people that could find him right now, James was probably the worst. Of course the only good option was Regulus, but still.

Sirius thought about staying still, playing it off and talking until James left so he could try to get himself to properly move again, but the chances of him needing to leave quickly were high. Slowly, he leaned forward and stretched his arms up. “James.” He groaned when his back popped back into place. He rubbed at his neck, trying to work out the kinks as he stretched his legs out, flexing to get life back into them.

“How long have you been up here?”

Sirius snapped at him before he could process the concern in his voice, “I wasn’t breaking any rules so sod off.” He rolled his shoulders experimentally, face twisting when it sent shocks of pain through his arms. “What are you doing up here anyway?” It’s not like most people came up here by themselves.

James didn’t say anything, but he didn’t leave. He sat on the floor next to Sirius, not bothering to pretend he wasn’t looking at him. “I have it on good authority I’m an oblivious idiot.”

“Congratulations.” He was not in the mood to have a heart to heart. He wanted a soft surface, a warm blanket, an even warmer drink, and some bloody privacy.

“Lily is soulmates with your brother.”

Was he fucking serious right now? He wanted to talk about that? No. No way in hell. On another day, in a different mood, he’d be able to. He loved talking about Reg, he loved talking to James, and he’d be able to ignore James’s love sickness enough to get through a conversation. Right now though, he would literally rather jump in the dungeons with Blast Ended Skrewts. He started to scoot back from the edge, mentally preparing himself to stand. His arse was sore, and he was sure his hips wouldn’t be doing him any favours. Being around James was too much pain on a regular day. When he was feeling this off-center, this vulnerable? Forget about it. He could not deal with this right now.

“And Remus,” James continued, as if Sirius wasn’t actively trying to leave. “Her soulmark was vague enough that I thought it might be me, but apparently Remus’s isn’t.” He shook his head. “I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me.”

“Maybe because you made heart eyes at your girlfriend any chance you got,” he ground out.

“Maybe,” James said, completely unbothered with the way Sirius was climbing to his feet, getting to his own like he was determined to have this conversation with Sirius no matter what. “Why don’t you date?”

“What?” Sirius asked, so thrown by the subject change that he paused in his escape.

“Plenty of birds are dying to get your attention, but you don’t care. Why?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” he snarled. Gods why couldn’t he be left alone just this once?

James caught Sirius’s wrist before he could leave, but his grip was loose, uncontrolling. “As your soulmate, I think it’s my business,” he said quietly, in a completely un-James way-- Sirius had only ever heard him speak proudly, confidently.

He froze, eyes wide and feeling like he couldn’t breathe.

“I used to think it might be Lily,” he continued, in that same, soft voice, “we both had vague enough marks and if we looked at each other the right way, it almost worked. We never liked each other enough for that to work for long. We were basically broken up when Remus and Regulus talked to her earlier, it just needed to be official.”

Sirius tried to speak, but swallowed several times before he could. “I don’t see what that has to do with me.”

“‘Bright star’. That’s what my mark says.” His thumb gently stroked the skin of Sirius’s wrist. “Do you remember when we first met?” He waited until Sirius nodded to continue. “We fit. But when you got put in Slytherin, I was young and stupid enough to think it meant we couldn’t be. I’ve never felt like that with anyone else. Have you?”

Sirius was trembling but shook his head in affirmation. Everything he’d ever wanted to hear James say, was being said, but… “I have responsibilities. To my family.”

James looked heartbroken when Sirius slipped his arm out of James’s hand.

“And so do you.”

As he walked down the spiralling stairs, his steps piercing and echoing, his chest tightened. In all his years of imagining, he’d never turned James down when he asked. When he pictured it happening, Sirius told his parents to bugger off and he left with James, running away like Reg had mentioned.

Sirius was halfway to the Slytherin dorms, barely keeping himself together by the seams. It wasn’t until he heard noise in the corridor behind him that he realised he couldn’t deal with anyone like this, wouldn’t be able to keep a blank face, let alone pretend he was fine.

“Sirius!” James stopped in front of him, clearly having been running. Sirius wondered if he’d run all the way from the tower. “Last year-- you asked me on a date. Where was family responsibility then?”

Sirius blinked dumbly at him. He remembered? “It was a mistake,” he said slowly, like his body was too busy trying not to cry to accomplish anything else, even so practiced a lie.

“No, me saying no was a mistake. Sirius… give me another chance? Please?”

Unbidden, tears started slipping down his cheeks. “That’s easy for you to say,” he croaked.

James tentatively hugged him, holding him more completely when Sirius folded into him, his head resting in the crook of James’s neck. “I’ll help you. Whatever you need, whatever I can do, I will. We could be great together. I think I can make you happy, let me try.”

Sirius let out a wet laugh, but it sounded (and felt) more like a sob. “Yeah? And when my parents kick me out?”

“You’ll always be welcome in my House. You and Regulus both.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

James kissed the side of his head, and Sirius found himself feeling a little better for it all the while wishing it was more. “You better.”

#filled #prongsfoot #marauders #sirius black #regulus black #remus lupin #james potter #no voldemort au #slytherin sirius #hogwarts time #getting together #soulmates #lily evans/regulus black/remus lupin #siriuslystarbucks #andromedablacc

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weekendwarriorblog · 5 years ago

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The Weekend Warrior Home and Semi-Theater Edition 7/10/20 – GREYHOUND, PALM SPRINGS, THE OLD GUARD, RELIC and More!

I hope everyone had a good 4th of July weekend, even though movie theaters don’t seem any closer to opening, and I believe some in certain areas even closed! New York City just hit Phase 3 this week, and I’m not sure Phase 4 even includes movie theaters. Let’s not even talk about L.A. as it will just depress me. I literally have no idea what’s going on or if movies being back in theaters nationwide by the end of this month is even realistic. There are a lot of available movies this week, and I did my best to see as many as possible, but honestly, I’m getting a little burnt out watching movies on my computer and even on my TV set (the few times I can), so we’ll see how far I get this week. Hold on tight, because this week is gonna be a doozy! (I actually wanted to write a defense of Quibi and its content, but I’ll have to save that for a quieter week.)

Believe it or not, Tom Hanks has a new movie out this week, too, but it’s only on Apple TV+, since Sony decided to sell Hanks’ fictitious submarine drama GREYHOUND to the relatively new streaming service. Surely, that can’t be a good sign, right? Directed by Aaron Schneider (Get Low), it has Hanks playing Commander Ernest Krause, who is put in charge of his first fleet of ships to sail across the Atlantic Ocean’s notorious “Black Pit,” bringing supplies and troops to Europe during America’s early days in World War II. The area of the Atlantic got its name because the planes that normally escorted the fleet to keep an eye out for German UBoats would have to turn back. As Captain of the USS Keeling aka Greyhound, Krause is solely responsible for dozens of ships and men.

Greyhound is a classic case of “Well, it looked good on paper,” because when you have a piece of fiction by C.S. Forester and one of America’s most beloved actors wanting to make it into a movie, what could possibly go wrong? Well, I’ll tell you. As someone who generally loves submarine movies and movies with great sea battles, certainly this movie was made for me, but no, although there are a few decent CG battles, the majority of the movie involves Hanks calmly stating orders to his men from the control deck of the Greyhound, as they take evasive measures to protect the fleet from the UBoats. Really, it’s mostly about Hanks, because other than Stephen Graham in a small role, none of the other men on the Greyhound have much personality. The movie even has the audacity to waste a great actor like Rob Hunter on a nothing role as the ship’s cook who brings Krause food and coffee he never has time to eat or drink anyway, because fighting the Germans is very busy work indeed.

While some of the firefights do bring a much-needed level of excitement, there’s otherwise no real stakes or tension, because you always know that Hanks’ boat will never be sunk. Every once in a while, Hanks will ask for coffee or his slippers to change things up. That’s how boring this movie is. And then, despite all the “non-stop fighting,” they somehow have time to stage an elaborate burial at sea when the ship is hit by enemy fire. Maybe this would have been a better movie seen in theaters, but probably not. It’s absolutely astounding how boring this movie is, but if naval speak gets you hot then Greyhound might just be the movie for you!

Now that that’s taken care of, let’s try to get some of the other movies, hopefully some of them are better than Greyhound.

Andy Samberg stars in PALM SPRINGS (NEON/Hulu), the new romantic comedy and first feature from director Max Barbakow. Calling it a “romantic comedy” wouldn’t really be doing the movie justice, since it’s more of a quirky comedy that offers more than the simple Sundance rom-com formula of Samberg’s previous Sundance movie, Jesse and Celeste Forever. The movie begins with Samberg’s character, Nyles, waking up at a wedding with his horrid girlfriend Misty (a very funny Meredith Hagner). At the wedding, Nyles gives a rousing speech (despite no one knowing who he is) then connects with the bride’s sister, Sara (Cristin Milioti). But wait, maybe you think you know where this is going but when the two go off somewhere private to “hook up,” it’s rudely interrupted by someone trying to kill Nyles, and well, it just gets stranger from there.

I’m not sure how much of the plot and the early twist would be considered a spoiler, although maybe not if you’ve watched the trailer. Essentially, Sara follows Nyles into a cave where there’s some sort of dimensional thing that returns them back to the beginning of the same day over and over. They go to sleep or they die, and they’re right back at the start of the day, so yup, it’s basically a similar Groundhog’s Day premise that we’ve seen in movies like Happy Death Day, Natasha Lyonne’s Russian Doll, Before I Fall or others, but it’s all about what Barbakow, writer Andy Siara and the two leads do that make Palm Springs so much more entertaining and even deeper.

I have to be honest that I wasn’t familiar with Milioti at all before this film, so this ends up being an amazing spotlight for her talent, and similar to Rashinda Jones in Jesse/Celeste, she makes Samberg that much easier to palate. Not that I dislike Samberg, but I’ve never been the biggest fan when he’s given free reign like in movies such as Hot Rod. (But I did like Popstar: Never Stop Stopping, so maybe he’s grown on me.) I will admit that I’m a sucker for a good wedding-based romantic comedy—as seen by recent ones like Plus Oneand Destination Wedding -- and with its odd quantum physics twist, Palm Springs continually finds new ways of exploring the tenuous existence that is a new relationship. Oh, I should also mention that Roy, the guy trying to kill Nyles, is played by JK Simmons, and while it’s definitely a smaller part for one of my favorite actors, he also plays a significant role in the story.

You’ll probably know right away if Palm Springs is your kind of movie, but the mix of quirkiness and honest heart and emotion makes it one of Samberg’s better endeavor. It hope it allows us to see much more of Ms. Milioti, since I think she’s quite wonderful as well. Palm Springs can be watched on Hulu or in select drive-ins starting this Friday, and since it is this week’s “Featured Flick*,” I hope you’ll check it out! (*I changed the name of this just to see if anyone is paying any attention… or even reading.)

Greg Rucka and Leandro Fernández’s comic, THE OLD GUARD, has been turned into a movie directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood (Love and Basketball) that will hit Netflix this Friday. It stars Charlize Theron and is written by Rucka himself, and it’s a fairly high concept action movie involving a group of “immortals” – warriors who aren’t able to die, so they’ve lived for hundreds of years and are now hiring themselves out as hired mercenaries. When they learn there’s a new immortal awakening, they seek her out to recruit her.

I generally like Charlize Theron in action mode as seen in Mad Max: Fury Road and Atomic Blonde, and she’s pretty kick-ass as Andromache the Scythian aka Andy, the leader of the Old Guard. Kiki Layne from If Beale Street Could Talk offers a nice counterpoint as her trainee in the form of Nile, the newest immortal, who discovers that she can’t die while serving as a soldier in the Middle East. The rest of the cast includes Chiwetel Ejiofor, Matthias Schoenaerts and others, who are all okay, but I just wish there was more to the story than just watching them have to deal with a lame corporate villain named Merrick (Harry Melling), who wants to harvest their blood to create life-saving pharmaceuticals for others.

While I liked the flashbacks to historic times showing Theron’s Andromache in another light, the stuff in present day is rarely as interesting. I’m not sure I ever would have thought of Bythewood doing action, even though she was supposed to do a Silver Sable/Black Cat movie at one point, but her fight scenes pretty fairly impressive, but she doesn’t lose sight of losing the focus on characterization, at least in terms of the two women.

The Old Guard isn’t bad, and it really would have benefited from being seen on the big screen, but I’m not sure it really offers enough with its concept other than a few decent fight scenes. Personally, I felt it paled in comparison to Netflix’s other recent action film, Extraction, at least in terms of the story and characters.

A horror movie that got a lot of lavishing praise out of Sundance is Natalie Erika James’ RELIC (IFC Midnight), which you may remember me mentioning last week, because apparently, it opened in a few drive-in theaters last Friday. I had been looking forward to this due to the amount of praise it got from Sundance, comparing it to the likes of The Babadook or Hereditary.

The story revolves around Emily Mortimer’s Kay and her daughter Sam (Bella Heatchote) travelling to their grandmother Edna’s country home in Australia after she’s reported missing. Edna (Robyn Nevin) soon returns and is behaving oddly, and with Gran clearly not herself, Kay has to figure out if she’s possessed by something or just suffering from advanced dementia.

I feel like I have a general idea what James was trying to accomplish with Relic, as it explores what it’s like being the caregiver for your elderly parent once they’ve become debilitated by something that makes them unrecognizable, put into the context of a horror film. I ended up watching the movie twice, mainly because I had no clue what was going on during my first viewing, but honestly, this movie just ended up annoying me, and it was only partially due to the fact that I had very little idea what was going on since most of the movie is so dark. More than that, I found a lot of the movie to be incredibly dull, and comparisons to The Babadook are inane, since the only thing is that it’s a horror movie (sort of) directed by an Australian woman.

The movie also involves some sort of “evil presence” and a creepy old house that was on the premises when Kay’s family moved in, but this information is revealed in such a dreary and confusing manner that makes it harder to figure out what you’re watching. In fact, if not for a number of eerie random images, it would be hard to even consider the first half of Relic “horror” since it’s more of a family drama about these three women from different generations contending with each other in this house. As someone who has had many conversations with my sister about what to do about my own elderly mother, I could see why this might connect with viewers, but planting this idea haphazardly into a typical horror movie just never worked for me. Relic has some good things going for it, such as the performances by the three actors (particularly Nevin), plus the creepy imagery and sound design do a lot to create a mood even if it doesn’t necessarily help with the storytelling.

The problem is that this story is told at such a snail’s pace and by the time the horror elements start kicking in within the last 20 minutes of the movie, almost everything is in pitch blackness, making it almost impossible to tell what you’re watching. Any earlier qualities worthy of praise are lost with some of the bad choices in lighting and editing, as well as an ending that’s dragged on for so long and at such a drowsy pace that any good will towards the movie will likely be lost. Ultimately, Relic is a disappointing high concept but single-note thriller that fails to deliver on the scares, instead delivering a dull and slightly unsettling family drama about aging and dementia.

In fact, I actually much preferred Jeffrey A. Brown’s horror film, The Beach House, which comes to the streaming network sShudder this Thursday. It stars Liana Liberato and Noah Le Gross as Emily and Randall, a young couple who travel to his father’s beach house to reconnect. Once there, their vacation is broken up by Jake Weber’s Mitch and his wife Jane (Maryann Nagel), but as the two couples get to know each other, a freak environmental event unleashes an infection that leads to all sorts of freaky occurrences. While there was just as much weirdness and not knowing what was going on as in Relic, at least this movie mostly takes place in the sunlight, so you can actually see things that are equally or even more disturbing than anything in Relic.

Brown’s film starts out so simply with this young couple wanting to spend some time alone together, but there’s this constant menace looming that’s foreshadowed in the opening credits, and as Mitch and Jane show up and start behaving oddly, you’ll wonder what exactly is happening to them. Things get even more disturbing when Emily is on the beach and experiences even odder and grosser circumstances that lead into the film’s “body horror” portion that will make even those with the strongest constitutions slightly queasy.

Part of why the film works so well is the small cast Brown has put together. I’ve been quite a fan of Liberato for many years, and she effectively becomes the film’s lead. Certainly, there are a few common horror tropes in place including ones that can be traced back to the likes of Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever, but there’s also enough new ideas that the film doesn’t seem like retread. While I’m not 100% sure exactly what was happening in The Beach House, Brown and his cast do a good job keeping the viewer uneasy and disturbed.

Atom Egoyan’s new thriller GUEST OF HONOUR (Kino Lorber) will premiere this week as part of the Kino Marquee (and there’s lots of great stuff on there that will help support your local arthouse while you’re checking that out!) It stars David Thewliss as Jim, a health inspector whose high school music teaching daughter Veronica (Lausla de Oliveira) has been jailed over an indiscretion with two teen students.

Egoyan has proven himself to be quite a master at the thriller genre, and Guest of Honour involves a complex family drama narrative that scuttles between timelines in order to keep you guessing where things might be going. I’ll freely admit that the non-linear storytelling was somewhat confusing at first, as the movie is framed by a conversation between Veronica and Luke Wilson after the death of her father. It also flashes back to an important moment from Veronica’s childhood before her mother died of cancer, which led to other things that would affect her years later.

I’m frequently amazed by Thewliss as one of England’s more underrated exports, but I was equally impressed by Ms. de Oliveira, whose work I was not familiar with before seeing her in Egoyan’s capable hands.

While we’ve heard plenty of true stories about the relationships between teachers with their students, Guest of Honour isn’t just about that, and it’s the way Egoyan reveals some of the story’s more interesting complexities, like Veronica’s relationship with an obsessed bus driver (Rossif Sutherland), that builds to some of the events that happen later. Honestly, I’m hesitant to reveal too much about the plot since there’s a way that Egoyan unveils various elements that makes Guest of Honour another compelling entry in the filmmaker’s constantly-evolving oeuvre.

A really interesting crime-thriller with a sci-fi twist hitting Apple TV, Prime Video and other digital platforms this Friday is South African filmmaker Tony Dean Smith’s own directorial debut, VOLITION (Giant Pictures), a film co-written and co-produced with his brother Ryan. It stars Adrian Glynn McMorran (Arrow) as James, a man constantly down on his luck who has clairvoyant powers that he uses to get himself involved in a scheme involving valuable diamonds. Just before this happens, he meets Angela (Magda Apanowicz), a young woman who gets pulled into the problems James gets into with others wanting the diamonds, and when he sees a murder, he has to do what he can to change the future.

I feel like this column’s running theme is that I’m being deliberately vague about the film’s plot, and in this case, it’s because halfway through the movie, there’s a pretty big twist that involves time travel. While that immediately makes the movie more interesting, it also makes things far more confusing. Up until that point, Volition felt like a rather weakly-written indie crime-thriller from filmmakers who may have seen Memento a few too many times. In fact, it opens with such a pretentious bit of narration I was worried the movie wasn’t going to be very good, and there was very little in the first half to keep me invested. When that new element/twist is added, McMorran’s character ends up on a far more interesting journey, and that turns Volition into a far more inventive and original story. Sure, it isn’t Primer, but if you’re a fan of the twists that come with time travel, Volition does a good job keeping you wondering what might happen next, and it does this with a mostly no-name cast, which is always quite impressive. In that way, it reminds me of The Wretchedwhich opened earlier in the year, as that was also by two filmmaking brothers taking a DIY attitude towards independent film. Volition isn’t perfect but it’s far better than I was expecting, and it’s a testament to the filmmakers’ perseverance to bring their very specific vision to the screen.

I was pretty excited to learn out about the quirky Japanese coming-of-age musical comedy WE ARE LITTLE ZOMBIES (Oscilloscope) from Makoto Nagahisa, because it’s the type of movie that I would usually see at the New York Asian Film Festival that would have been going on right now if not for… well, you know what. But it did play Fantasia in Montreal last year, so I’m sure it would have been fun seeing it with that audience. It’s certainly cute and quirky, involving a group of kids who come together to deal with their parents. Honestly, I don’t have a ton to say about it, but if you like oddball Asian films like the ones that play those festivals, you’ll know whether the film is for you. You can watch a trailer and find out where you’ll be able to catch We Are Little Zombies at its Official Site.

At least that was more watchable than Gavin Rothery’s sci-fi directorial debut, ARCHIVE (Vertical Entertainment), starring Theo James from the Divergent movies as George Almore, a man in the year 2038 who is working on an AI that is as close to human as possible, one that will hopefully reunite him with his dead wife in this new form. If you watch this, you’ll immediately think that Rothery must have watched Moon quite a lot. In fact, he was the conceptual artist and visual FX artist on Duncan Jones’ movie, and the influences of that film are so obvious it’s hard to get past it. Then again, Theo James has so little personality and charisma, he’s almost constantly being overshadowed by his robotic companions. So yeah, not recommended, and I’m a little shocked this was accepted into this year’s cancelled SXSW. Honestly, I couldn’t even get through it.

Also premiering in the Kino Marquee is Nicholas Leytner’s Austrian drama The Tobacconist (Menemsha Films), starring Bruno Ganz (Downfall) as Sigmund Freud and based on the bestselling novel by Robert Seethaler, which I haven’t read (if that isn’t obvious). It deals with the friendship between a teenager named Franz (Simon Morzé) and Freud during the Nazi occupation of Vienna, when the former travels there to work as an apprentice at a tobacco shop where Freud is a regular customer. When Franz falls in love with a music hall dancer, he turns to Freud for advice.

Apparently “showing only in theaters” this Friday is Michael W. Bachochin’s sci-fi/”psychodrama” Parallax (The Primal Group) starring Naomi Prentice as a young artist who is haunted by nightmares and who wakes up to a life she doesn’t recognize. At this point, I might as well just post the actual synopsis: “As she begins to uncover the truths of the life that she's found herself in, the gravity of her failing reality weighs heavily on her psychological identity and the reliability of her sanity is called into question.”

Let’s get to some docs, and you can probably safely assume that Harry Mavromichalis’ Olympia(Abramorama) is about Oscar-winning actress Olympia Dukakis, because it is. Featuring interviews with Whoopi Goldberg, Laura Linney, Diane Ladd and more, that covers the Greece-born actress as she opens up about her struggles with depression, suicide and drug addiction, as well as stories from some of the actors she’s shared the stage and screen with over the years.

The next doc is about the Chinese artist who probably has had more docs made about him than…well, anyone else? Ai Wei Wei: Yours Truly (First Run Features), directed by Cheryl Haines and Gina Leibrecht, covers how the artist developed his 2014 exhibition, @Large: Ai Weiwei on Alcatraz, inspired by his 2011 detention by Chinese authorities (which has generally inspired all his recent work?) Hey, if you’re a fan of his artwork, then you’ll probably want to see this doc, too.

One doc that I really wanted to see was Brett Harvey’s Inmate #1: The Rise of Danny Trejo (Universal), which had a virtual world premiere and is now on ITunes and other VOD, but my attempts to get a screener was met with absolute silence. The film documents the amazing life and career of the 71-year-old character actor and action hero who went from a life of drugs and doing hard time in prison to becoming an easily recognized and respected star, mainly thanks to Robert Rodriguez. I would like to see this movie, and maybe someday I will.

Film Forum’s Virtual Cinema will be adding Jacques Becker’s 1947 film, Antoine and Antoinette, this Friday, as well as the 1927 filming of the original Broadway play, Chicago, long before it was turned into a musical, although it does have Ginger Rogers playing Roxie Hart. Reinhold Schünzel’s original 1933 film Victor and Victoria (which was later remade by Blake Edwards for wife Julie Andrews) also joins the fairly hefty list of repertory films available, being shown as part of the “Pioneers of Queer Cinema” series.

Other movies I just wasn’t able to get to this week include Tito (Factory 25), I, Pastafari (Gravitas Ventures), The Medicine (1091), Never Too Late (Blue Fox Entertainment), Deany Bean is Dead (Global Digital Releasing) and Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets (Utopia).

Also beginning on Apple TV+ this Friday is the new JJ Abrams series, Little Voice, starring Brittany O’Grady as Bess King, a 20-something singer trying to find her voice in the rat race that is New York City. I haven’t had a chance to watch this yet but apparently, Abrams got Sara Bareilles from Broadway’s Waitress to write some of the tunes, so it should be decent.

Next week, more movies—some in theaters, some not in theaters! But most of them watchable from home in case you don’t drive or your city is exploding with the COVID after the rest of us have been in quarantine for months. Thanks bunches.

By the way, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!

#TheWeekendWarrior #Movies #Reviews #Streaming #VOD #Greyhound #Relic #TheOldGuard #Volition #TheBeachHouse #PalmSprings #GuestOfHonour

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 6 years ago

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Here's what you need to know about those CGI influencers invading your feed

Human influencers like Bella Hadid and Kendall Jenner might want to secure their positions in the influencer realm before they get ousted by glorified Sims.

That's right: There are now computer generated images that do exactly what human influencers do. There's a human behind each one — coming up with captions and manually generating the content — though it can be unclear who exactly that person is. The financial threads are equally hazy, but you can be sure that someone is making money off of these "people."

According to CBS, the digital influencer market is set to reach $2 billion in the next two years. The scariest thing is just how convincing these artificial influencers really are: 42 percent of people who were following a digital Instagrammer didn't realize it wasn't a real person, according to a recent study by the media company Fullscreen.

SEE ALSO: 'Alita: Battle Angel' is relevant for cyborgs and humans alike

I set out to understand who exactly these new influencers are, and why they exist. That involved interacting with them — or at least trying to. The feeling of being left on read by people who don't exist is a unique one. It also made me feel like they're hiding something. But here's what we know ... so far.

Rest assured, they'll either save us from the digital malaise we’ve all scrolled ourselves into, or destroy us further.

Lil Miquela, 1.5 million followers

Lil Miquela, or Miquela Sousa, is a perpetually 19-year-old girl from Downey, California. She has all the necessary ingredients for Insta-success: good looks, flashy clothing, a nonexistent yet bottomless bank account, and a passion for activism. It's easy to forget you're looking at a bot when reading her captions, which are sprinkled with witty remarks and relatable musings. "No lie, I wish I’d been assembled in the ’90s ..." she quips, echoing the very human desire to be from another time. It's part of what makes her so popular — and so uncanny.

View this post on Instagram

So am I just going to have crushes on everyone this year? That’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Cool, cool.

A post shared by *~ MIQUELA ~* (@lilmiquela) on Jan 4, 2019 at 5:08pm PST

The algorithmic babe was named one of the 25 most influential people on the internet by Time last year, alongside Busy Philips and Logan Paul. (She was the only non-human to make the cut.) It's safe to say the integration of bot personalities into the mainstream has begun.

In addition to being an influencer, she’s also a singer and merch seller. Miquela has around 52,000 monthly listeners on Spotify. Not bad for someone who doesn’t exist in the physical realm.

And the merch? Socks from Club 404, Lil Miquela's overpriced swag brand, will run you $30 for two pairs.

But wait a second, why CGI influencers?

Before we introduce more of these new age avatars, it's important to understand how they came to be. Cue Brud. And Cain Intelligence.

Brud is the LA-based tech startup credited with Miquela's existence. It's described as a "transmedia studio that creates digital character driven story worlds," whatever that means. Other than that, it's pretty much a mystery. We do know that it was founded by two people: Sara DeCou and Trevor McFedries, neither of whom could be reached for comment.

Cain Intelligence is even more of a mystery. Founded by Daniel Cain, who may or may not be real, the company is another startup. It describes itself as "the industry leader in Conscious Language Intelligence (CLI), a type of Artificial Intelligence that allows for humans to engage with our specialized robots in free-format, natural language." The website feels bleak and dark, something a villain in a spy movie would create. (It's also pro-Trump.)

If you're reading this and you're confused, that's sort of the point. Lil Miquela and Blawko, another CGI influencer, are characters created by Brud. Bermuda, also a CGI influencer, was made by Cain Intelligence. Allegedly. But wait: Bermuda now has Brud's Instagram page tagged in her own bio, followed by the message "Look closer"; likewise, Brud's bio identifies Bermuda as a client. Seems like Cain was a marketing hoax to launch Bermuda and her right-wing agenda? As a scheme to get attention for the entire CGI universe Brud has created, it seems to have worked.

The only person I was able to get in contact with about these three CGI influencers was Jemma Litchfield from Huxley, the creative agency that represents Miquela, Bermuda, and Blawko. In an email, she said she "looked after Miquela." She said they weren't doing interviews, but she'd fact check for me, if I'd like. She didn't offer any clarification about Brud or Cain Intelligence, but instead shifted some sentences around and corrected my first-draft grammar.

Perhaps the enigmatic nature of Brud and Cain is the reason their influential prototypes have become so successful and so followed. Curiosity today usually leads to a Google search. But when there's no information available beyond what you already know, it can prompt a fascination. Or frustration.

Anyway, meet Miquela's digital squad: Bermuda and Blawko.

Bermuda, 133k followers

Bermuda is a controversial blonde known for stirring the digital pot. She's pro-Trump and describes herself as a "robot supremacist." She also once hacked Miquela's page, which gained followers for both of them, pushing Miquela past the 1 million mark, a milestone that opens up a lot of doors in influencer world, including lucrative brand deals with prominent designers.

Now Bermuda and Miquela are friends who hang out, go to lunch, and put makeup on each other— digitally.

View this post on Instagram

💚💚💚 Decided to give Twitter another try. I’m BermudaIsBae there, too. 💚💚💚 In a great mood today and I hope you all are, too. Mwah!

A post shared by Bermuda (@bermudaisbae) on Nov 12, 2018 at 5:27pm PST

Blawko, 135k followers

Miquela and Bermuda are joined by another Brud-born character, Blawko, whom they both seem smitten with. Just like Miquela and Bermuda, he offers an eerily authentic personality. He plays video games, goes on dates, and doesn't clean his room. As for the bizarre love triangle between him, Miquela, and Bermuda ... Are we supposed to imagine them in compromising positions? Is this a clear representation of CGI flirtation by default? We're not really sure!

View this post on Instagram

heaux heaux heaux

A post shared by 🅱️LAWKO (@blawko22) on Dec 20, 2018 at 3:34pm PST

Aside from the Brud crowd, there are other CGI influencers out there in the digital space.

Lil Wavi, 12.1k followers

If you squint, Instagram user @lil_wavi might seem like just another Soundcloud rapper-looking hypebeast, dressed in the latest streetwear and spattered with tattoos. Upon further inspection, you'll see he's a digitally-rendered avatar in human clothing. His graphics give off an edgy early-2000s Sims vibe. Since he "lives in a computer," he can get his hands on expensive pieces of designer clothing that he describes as "the drip" and cites as his main draw. "I’m all about innovation, encouraging creativity, pushing minds to think out of the shitty boundaries," he — or, rather, the unidentified human speaking for him — told Mashable over email. "I want my fans to be influenced in that way. It’s important to me that I am sending positive vibes out to them all."

View this post on Instagram

Flameboyyyy 🛸🏴‍☠️ yuhhh my $$ fly 💸💸💸 y’all ready for merch?

A post shared by 🛸LIL WAVI🛸 (@lil_wavi) on Jan 28, 2019 at 10:05am PST

Noonoouri, 279k followers

Brand deals and fashion show appearances abound for this influencer. It's unclear how a digital avatar can attend IRL events, but a quick scroll of her page will show her doing just that. Noonoouri takes her role as influencer very seriously. When Vogue Australia asked about her favorite beauty products, she answered, "I love KKW Beauty contour and highlight — they truly work!" Since she's done ads — on YouTube and on Instagram — for KKW Beauty before, it's no surprise that she would plug the products. What's surprising is that a digital persona who looks straight out of a Pixar short is using makeup and getting paid for it.

Joerg Zuber, Noonoouri's creator, spent several years making her before debuting the influencer on Instagram. A visit to her page suggests she was recently in Africa for a number of fashion-related appearances. And she's from Paris, France, according to her Instagram bio. "I am who I am. If I can help or support others I am very happy. I believe in swarm intelligence. In times like these we need to share and not to hold back," she told Mashable via email.

"I have a real soul," says Noonoouri.

Image: Joerg zuber

Shudu, 172k followers

Self-identified as "The World's First Digital Supermodel," Shudu was created by beauty photographer Cameron James Wilson as an art project. She blew up when her image was featured on Rihanna's Fenty Beauty Instagram page. In the photo, she's modeling one of the buzzy beauty line's lip products and smizing for the ... computer? Though she's more model than influencer, her likeness is used to sell, too. Shudu doesn't have a personality, per se, but it's because Wilson hasn't come across a human that could do her justice — yet: "Only someone similar to Shudu would be appropriate to tell her story, and really shape who she is as ‘person,’" he mused to Mashable via email. He supports the movement to create more digital supermodels like Shudu: "It doesn’t matter who you are, if you study art and learn how to use 3D programs, you too can be a 6ft tall virtual runway model!"

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Shudu @thesavoylondon trying on beautiful #EEBAFTAs outfits, complete with @atelierswarovski earrings. 6 days to go till she shares #redcarpet looks with you all. . @ee @BAFTA . . #3D #3Dart #digitalsupermodel #worldsfirstdigitalsupermodel #virtualinfluencer #BTS

A post shared by Shudu (@shudu.gram) on Feb 4, 2019 at 11:07am PST

Barbie, 6.2 million subscribers

Here's a familiar face. The uber-popular icon that is Barbie has a digital counterpart, and she's a vlogger. Her first video, in which she introduces herself, went up in 2015. In it, she talks about being from Wisconsin (who knew?) and having a sister. "I've always just been curious about things," she shares earnestly, her huge animated eyes blinking like those of a human YouTuber. Since then, she's uploaded over 75 vlogs, most of which include her sister Skipper and boyfriend Ken, to the YouTube channel owned and operated by Mattel. Barbie is the OG influencer — she's known for doing a million different jobs and having fun while doing them. Why reinvent the wheel?

youtube

Balenciaga's digi-models

While you can't follow these influencers, they're worth mentioning. To show off their Spring 2019 collection on Instagram, Spanish fashion house Balenciaga utilized shape-shifting digital models made by artist Yilmaz Sen. In a series of short video clips on Instagram, the digital models sparked questions about the future of technology in fashion. With cool haircuts and names like Elsa and Ruben, everything about them screams high fashion. However, unlike human models that walk down runways, these models stand in place and distort themselves like they're made of rubber. Because all haute couture should be shown on computer-generated contortionist models!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Balenciaga (@balenciaga) on Nov 14, 2018 at 1:53am PST

What's next, then?

Tapping around on these digi-fluencer's pages provides an exciting, if not unsettling, look at the future of technology and the part it may play in pop culture. Some question the validity, appeal, and purpose of these bots. Perhaps it's performance art. Or maybe it's all just an elaborate stunt to leverage consumer action? YouTuber Shane Dawson has a popular video dedicated to uncovering the identity of Lil Miquela. He even calls her on the phone — only to be met with a clearly auto-tuned voice who's careful not to give anything away, or falter at all.

Liz Bacelar, a tech expert, mused to Forbes that we could potentially find ourselves living in a world in which we all have a digital avatar. And with facial recognition being insidiously installed in mundane places (like gas stations) in order to advertise, secure, and identify us, this may be sooner than we think. Just imagine, we'll be in self-driving cars, scrolling by digitized avatars trying to make us use their discount codes. Or perhaps we'll allow our digitized selves to live for us, like we've seen in futuristic movies like Ready Player One and Wall-E.

Think of your new CGI friends as the pixelated pioneers of a new, formulated frontier. Who knows? Maybe our human selves could be rendered virtually useless. For now, though, we can just keep an eye on Instagram.

WATCH: Dunkin' and Saucony release running shoe ahead of Boston Marathon

#_category:yct:001000002 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_uuid:8b8db620-cdb5-39b6-b9bd-f5de5787ae55 #_author:Harry Hill #_revsp:news.mashable

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aicosu · 8 years ago

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Hey guys! I wanted to know how was the fifty shades darker movie? Was it decent or was it really bad like some people are saying?

Omfg.

I actually have intense complicated thoughts on Fifty Shades.I’ve been obsessed with the rise and fall story of Fifty Shades, mostly because I’m a fanfiction writer myself and super - SUPER fucking familiar with the community and it’s inner workings. LONG POST AHEAD.

The tale of HOW and WHY Fifty Shades even hit bestseller is amazing. AD I SEE IT HAPPEN EVERYDAY ON AO3. Like, keeping your fanfic chapters to a couple thosand words, updating weekly, and commenting on comments for your fic to up the comment count (something I refuse to do for this very reason) is a VIABLE method to staying on the top list of any fandom on any fanfic hosting website. Even if you only have the same 10 people commenting on your fic, fic you comment back, 20 comments per chapter nad have 60 chapters? Thats 1200 comments! FUCKING INSANE. I see it everyday. I think every fanfic reader/writer knows that ONE STORY thats ALWAYS on top, for this reason alone, even when (JUST LIKE EL JAMES) the writing is horrendous.

So! When I researched all of this once the book was released and had all that controversy about BDSM I was both suprised, impressed and horrified. Suprised that a fanfic had even MADE it this far. Impressed because, you got to give the girl kudos. Having her original fanfic readers comment and rate her book on amazon with copy pasta reviews and skyrocketing her to #1 is ingenious. It is, from a marketing stand point its amazing. And of course, I was horrified and dissapointed that with all the fanfics out there, it had to be this one. Not only was the writing terrible, but its a terrible terrible representation of the bdsm culture and community.

Do not misunderstand me; The Fifty Shades books are horribly written and super problematic.

The Movies:

Okay so, I’m a huge film buff. Huge. I took film history and cinematic storytelling in college and I love analyzing movies.

From a director and writer and cinematographers standpoint, I was literally curious about HOW THE FUCK YOU EVEN FILM THIS MOVIE?? Like, will they have exposition of her ‘INNER GODDESS’ like some odd edgar wright cut aways to a Lizzie McQuire type Anastasia steel!?!? WILL THEY ACTUALLY FILM HIM RIPPING OUT HER TAMPON TO FUCK HER?? (this happens in the book) LIke I needed to know. I had to know. SO I had to see the first movie. I was too curious. AND I wanted to see a legit, from my generation, written fanfiction, adapated for film. Its too groundbreaking, even if you have problems with the story and films how is that not fascinating.

After watching it this is what I got (I did not pay for this movie btw.)

EVERY FANFICTION I EVER READ EVER ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE META MINDFUCK. Like!??? I have almost a keen adoration for how WEIRD it is to see ON SCREEN lines like “Your biting your lip.” LIKE – thats fanfiction from 2005, the lip bite. The FUCKING. Dialogue of this movie is like a collection of all the terrible coffee shop aus, high school, fanfic soap opera craziness. Or how he just bumps into her at her work and shit!? OR the fanfic issue of a 20-something yr old interviewing the SUPER HOT hotshot bachelor who has tons of money because….why? WHAT DOES HE DO? In fanfic it doesnt matter but in the movie THEY NEVER ADDRESS THIS EITHER>

I MEAN its literally that FIC. The one where theres nothing left of your ship you havent consumed, and this one aint so great but eh its 4am on a tuesday and it has 45 chapters.

I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend any writer or reader to watch this film just for the weird TRIP it is. It freaks me out mann its nuts!

The movie literally breaks hundreds of Cinematic rules JUST TO tell the story because its source material is what it is. Theres no introduction to the protagnist, no side introduction to our love interest like a rom con always does and the Meet Cute is isn’t a meet cute, it plays like a PROMPT. And its in the first 3 minutes of the film.

And the Twilight source the fic hangs on can be seen there on screen. Seattle, him saving her from the bike/car, his big rich family compared to her remarried mom (to a golfer not a baseball guy), and her estranged dad whose never around, the weirdness of Christian Grey thats missing that can only be explained by -immortal vampire-. Its insane. They didn’t change any of it. You can see Twilight right there its hilarious.

AND BECAUSE ITS FIC, theres actually, surprisingly, some really good moments? Its few and far between, but I find the bar scene generally funny and charming. Anastasia anyway. Christian is a creepy from first minute to last minute of every movie because what can you do with a non-vampire-vampire character, really? But Anastasia is pretty funny in a way Bella swan never was. I love the whole “Your so bossy, come here, come here, go away go away!” dialogue. FUCKING hilarious. And so unarguable a FANFIC genre of WIT. I like those moments. Or the buisness meeting about the bdsm contract “please turn to page 5 and strike out ‘anal fisting.’” “Are you sure?” “YUP.” (no paraphrasing, she literally says YUP. 10/10 delivery) Also love the texting scenes, reminds me too much of MS though and I immediately felt like trash.

Now, aside from those moments, hands down, terrible fucking plot. But it had terribel fucking plot to begin with.

What I was suprised about was that the film crew and creators DID IN FACT listen to te protests and uproar about the controversy of the content of the film. And I was suprised to see that THEY CHANGED a lot of stuff and cut out a lot of shit too. Christian NEVER touches her unless she says so. There actually a lot of moments stressing the consent thing. Even in the room, he tells her to hold out her hand and test the pain, and se if its ok. If its ever to much, he tells her to say stop, and he will. In fact, we see a lot of “nos” that he adheres to. Whereas in the books hes on he like a grade A rapist. They also add her in negotiating a ton of the terms.

Theres no tampon pulling scene and no inner goddess, much to my dismay/happiness. Lol.

HOWEVER.Aside from terrible plot, after making changes to the controversy, the movie didnt go far enough to differentiate the problematic nature of CHRISTIAN and the lifestyle of BDSM. Because Anna is a stranger of both, both are presented to the audience as BAD. We see bdsm through the lens of someone who USES IT THE WRONG WAY, FOR THE WRONG THINGS, and thats the main idea the movie can seem to target, and the book never bothered to learn. That last red room scene is Confusing at best, since its all consensual and really tame looking to anyone apart of bdsm, and misdirecting at worst to anyone not apart of it. Because its obvious Christian has ACTUAL Issues, but we’re made to believe all BDSM is like that, and its just not true.

TO THE SEQUELS CREDIT, 50SDarker goes a little more into this. Not just with dialogue, but showing how Anna is accepting of and in control of BDSM. She asks for specific thinks and seeks out certain sexual activities and calls him out on the shadier parts of his own personality, But in my opinion, its not enough. Theres too much –between the lines– and for a movie ABOUT this lifestyle, its to important to skim over like they do. Thats probably the most disapointing part.

All in all, its a terrible plot and terrible movie, that doesnt know enough about a material it references, and cant stand alone without its SOURCE material.

Theres way too many helicopter shots of places, and vehicles. Greys idea of romancise seems to be fancy transportation of some sort and his idea of -KINKY- sex is Cunnilingus, missionary, missionary cunnilingus, and missionary with some handcuffs. But its a WILD ride to watch. And has its genenuinly charming moments that can only come from the COMMUNITY of FANFICTION that molded it. As we know, fandom is just as much influenced by the original fiction as it is the headcanons, aus, peronality tropes and almost mandala effect culture the FANS put into it. And I love and adore that secret part of the movies. Dakota Johnson is also super charming and natural as Anna. A Bella swan, oc, induced character, self instert type fanfic pov. And to do that is some acting talent right there. And finally, and I’m probably the ONLY one here, but Im not 100% upset that 50shades got a movie. Because yes, its terrible in a on of fucking ways. But its STILL a fanfic on screen. And thats incredible. Thats why I bought tickets to support the sequel. She may have manipulated the rise to fame, but EL James still showed us the path to that goal. Fanifc to novelist, novelist to billiondollar box office numbers. EL James was ON SET, telling them how to film – HER FANFICTION. Thats a THING now. You cant not take fanfiction as a community and tool seriously now. Not when it made that much money. And hey, look at Superhero movies. We had to sit through too many shit Xmen and Daredevil movies to get an Iron man.

I will sit through a few 50shades to get my fucking favorite fanfics on screen too. Its not like Hollywood has any better stories to put up but Adam Sandler movies.

#it suprises me how many people dont know the fanfiction history of this movie #long post #im probably gonna get so much hate for this #oh well #50shades #50 shades darker #i didnt talk about the actual plot #WS THERE ONE?#that helicopter death scene came out of fucking NO WHERE #and the fucking ms robinsin character kept coming up like a bad soap opera #oh god #too many helicopter shots of enviroments

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junker-town · 8 years ago

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What we learned from Royal Rumble 2017

The Royal Rumble was awesome from start to finish, and this is what it taught us.

The Royal Rumble has been a point of contention for WWE fans the past few years, but not this time! In 2017, we got a great Rumble, from start to finish, and a Rumble match that included surprises, comedy, violence, and beef. So. Much. Beef.

Let’s dive right in and find out what we learned from the 2017 Royal Rumble. We’ll go through the kickoff matches a little faster than the main card.

Kickoff Match: Naomi, Nikki Bella, and Becky Lynch defeat Natalya, Alexa Bliss, and Mickie James

What we learned: While this match didn’t get a ton of time despite a two-hour pre-show, it did its job of helping further solidify the direction SmackDown’s women’s division is heading in for the next brand-specific pay-per-view, Elimination Chamber. Naomi pinning Alexa Bliss in a tag match with a whole bunch of moving parts allows her to claim she’s deserving of a title shot without Bliss having been pinned in a singles match against Naomi, aka the worst possible setup for a championship match.

Kickoff Match: Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows defeat Sheamus and Cesaro to become the new RAW Tag Team Champions

What we learned: This was a shocker! Not just that Anderson and Gallows won, but that we got a finish at all considering the match stipulation had two refs, seemingly so they could argue over who the winner was. We might still get that on Monday’s episode of RAW, since Sheamus kicked one ref in the face, leading to his team’s defeat, but as of now, they dropped the belts to The Club.

Kickoff Match: Nia Jax defeats Sasha Banks

What we learned: If Sasha Banks is going to rise up and defeat Nia Jax, it’s not happening while she’s dealing with a (story line) leg injury. Sasha got some hits in, but Nia shrugged everything off and dominated most of the match. When these two get an extended period of time to show what they can do, it could be special, but we’re not at that part of the story just yet.

WWE.com

Charlotte Flair defends RAW Women’s Championship against Bayley

The official Royal Rumble card opened with Charlotte defending her RAW Women’s title and her undefeated streak on pay-per-view against Bayley. Charlotte had spent weeks basically calling Bayley a nerd who was no better than the other nerds in the audience, and Bayley has been trying to tell her that actually, being a nerd is good and is also the source of her power. She might need to figure out a way to enhance that power next time out, because Charlotte retained without having to play any dirty Flair tricks.

What we learned: Charlotte vs. Bayley isn’t going to be over, even if Bayley did lose this time. Charlotte is going to have to defend against somebody at WrestleMania 33, because as much as she’s a self-obsessed glory hound looking out for number one at all times, she also won’t want to avoid a chance to shine in the spotlight of the year. Bayley might have to work her way back up to a title match, but with Fastlane in March and a couple of months total in between now and Mania, she has time to prove that she has something to offer, even if she wasn’t born into this life like Charlotte was.

Kevin Owens defends WWE Universal Championship against Roman Reigns even though Chris Jericho was suspended above the ring in a shark cage

This match, people. This match. RAW has beat the whole Owens/Reigns/Jericho/Rollins thing to death and then into an unrecognizable paste for months now, but this match made all of that torture worth it. Owens and Reigns told a story of two guys who refused to quit, who both looked like badasses capable of taking out as much pain as they could dish out, and then put a Braun Strowman-sized bow on the whole thing to help Owens retain and set Reigns on a different path.

WWE.com

What we learned: Reigns continues to be a godsend in big WWE matches that don’t also involve Triple H, and if you can get him in a situation where weapons are legal, you are guaranteed a more-than-acceptable level of entertainment. The fact WWE let him look like a superhero without it being at the expense of Owens or his title also helps, and Braun Strowman looked like a terrifying, unstoppable force by taking Reigns down.

It’s unclear what Owens is going to do next, but it won’t be with Reigns. This sendoff of their feud is much better than the build deserved, but sometimes, the destination can make up for the journey.

Neville defeats Rich Swann to win the WWE Cruiserweight Championship

This match wasn’t what it could have been, which is disappointing. What it was, though, was Neville asserting his superiority over the champion of the division that Neville has claimed he’s king of. Swann wasn’t able to stop him, and Neville might be more violent tyrant than benevolent ruler, but you try telling Neville that’s a bad thing and see how your body feels when you wake up from him choking you out.

What we learned: Rich Swann was the class of the cruiserweights until an angry Neville showed up ready to hurt people. If Swann can’t stop Neville, is there anyone in the current cruiserweight division who can? Th reign of the King of the Cruiserweights might end up being a long one, but that’s okay: Neville is dope, even if he’s kind of evil right now.

John Cena defeats AJ Styles for a record 16th WWE World Championship

Last week, I ranked all 15 of John Cena’s previous WWE title victories. There are a few clunkers in there, but most of them are at least good, and a few of them are, without qualification, great. Typically, though, Cena’s greatest matches tend to be ones he’s lost, or from that time period where he made the United States Championship legitimate again by putting on incredible title defenses week after week in his open challenge.

Now, though, Cena finally has a WWE World Championship win that is a legitimate match of the year candidate, and that’s not just because it happened in January: this thing is going to hold up throughout 2017. It’s fitting that this is the one that ties him with the man many consider to be the greatest of all-time, Ric Flair.

WWE.com

What we learned: Learned? Probably not much, really. We knew Cena and Styles were capable of this. We’ve seen lesser — but still awesome — versions of it from them before. This is the top match between two veterans who are still at the peak of their powers despite being much closer to 40 than even their mid-30s, the kind of bout that makes you think these two were meant to wrestle each other forever.

Cena will be the one holding the championship when it’s defended at Elimination Chamber in February. Whether he’s still got it after that six-man affair is over is another story, but he’s now got 16 WWE World titles behind him, and all it will take is one more before he has more than anyone in history.

Randy Orton wins the 30-man Royal Rumble match

So much to love here. Sure, there was a lack of surprise entrants and no old wrestlers joining the match besides the ones we already knew about, but that barely matters. This was brilliantly booked from start to finish, with even the downtime in the middle existing there for an express purpose that worked out as effectively as it was written up.

Braun Strowman coming in and wrecking house was a massive highlight, and not just because the dude is huge. Baron Corbin eventually getting in and, with the help of one of Strowman’s rivals, Sami Zayn, eliminated Strowman, making Corbin look awesome in the process. Brock Lesnar came in and destroyed everyone in the ring, but then Goldberg entered and again made short work of Brock. Undertaker then eventually got rid of Goldberg, and was defeated in a similar fashion by Roman Reigns, who had the stare down to end all stare downs afterward in a moment that has me dying to see them face each other at WrestleMania.

Please, please let this happen. It would give the crowd a reason to boo Reigns, and when he’s this version of Reigns who doesn’t give a single thought to what the crowd thinks, the Reigns who has a harder edge around him and starts showing off his darker side without fully succumbing, he’s the best version of himself.

What we learned: Randy Orton ended up dumping Reigns out and winning following an RKO that hit Reigns before he could land a Superman punch. Orton as a Rumble winner in 2017 might seem odd, but with the brand split meaning two huge title matches are on the WrestleMania card along with two women’s championships, Goldberg vs. Lesnar likely a thing, an Undertaker match, and John Cena rumored to have a huge battle at Mania whether he has a championship to defend or not, well, you can have Orton win here without anyone being furious. Especially since they had Orton eliminate Reigns, who the Rumble crowd was dying to see defeated.

And, if the rumors are true about who Orton’s opponent might be, then someone new is still going to be in the WWE World Championship title picture at Mania, anyway. Hey, it’s just a rumor, but if you want to go down that rabbit hole, you know where to click.

Seriously, though, don’t give us Orton vs. Cena again. Leave that back in 2013 where it belongs.

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volturialice · 5 years ago

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Spork Haven chapter 19: hur-fucking-rah

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward went to NYC and yelled at hotel maid!Bella a lot and it was shitty! this somehow led to them confessing their love for each other! thanks, I hate it!

chapter 19 starts with Edward on the phone with his agent/bodyguard whatever, Taylor, who if you’ll recall is the exact same character from fifty sh@des. he tells Taylor why he’s in NYC and what’s been going on with Bella. Taylor offers to make Bella a star, which Edward turns down on her behalf because he doesn’t think it’d be “her bag.”

yeah, because he doesn’t know her at all. the only things he knows about Bella are that she likes cellos and his dick him. (no really, that’s actually in the text.)

Taylor advises Edward to keep his relationship under wraps, both for publicity reasons and because he’s worried Edward might be "at risk” from the bad guys who are after Bella.

ah yes, that’s the spirit. he keeps calm and carries on, flying back to Vegas to be ready for another day of work.

that night he is awakened from his “delicious fucking erotic dream about little Bella Swann” by a call from none other than the delicious little orphan herself. he asks her if she’ll come with him as his date to an awards show in LA the day after tomorrow. she responds “like a date?” as if this is a huge new concept. apparently these characters do not remember that they’ve already BEEN ON A GODDAMN DATE.

yes. she has. WITH YOU, FUCKFACE. remember that thing with the lake picnic? Edward dressing up like a maintenance guy? the classic stupid EL James Erotic Elevator Kiss™? why are they acting like this will be their first date when they already made a huge honking deal out of their actual lame first date?? I don’t know but I hate them (and erika) more than ever.

Bella tells Edward the reason she’s never been on a date before (🤬) is because her grandmère didn’t let her date boys (or girls. sorry, Edythe.) then she says

now, I really want to like this line, because it hearkens back to one of my all time favorite Edward lines in canon, where he tells Bella the reason he’s so good at piano and languages etc is because he had to pass the time while the rest of the Cullens were off fucking each other’s brains out.

but I CAN’T because of the STUPID CONTEXT of this ASININE FIC whose author apparently can’t even remember the things SHE HERSELF WROTE a few chapters ago.

anyway, Bella says she’ll ask Emmett and Jasper if she can fly to LA for a date with Edward. I hope they say yes but only on the condition that they get to come too and sit between Edward and Bella the whole time.

Edward is in a great mood the next day because it’s Tanya’s last day on set. “Hur-fucking-rah,” says Edward (no, really.) he gets Eric (hi Eric!) to

you know what would be a better way to cut ties with Tanya and discourage her from assaulting you in public? not buying her a present.

just saying.

anyway Eric buys Tanya an antique mirror, which Edward finds “very apt.” get it? it’s because she’s old and vain. in unrelated news, I am going to buy erika an antique mirror for christmas.

Edward has a fun day on set because Mike’s teen daughters come to visit and he gets to show them around. you’d think Mike would’ve learned to keep any child of his far, far away from Safe Haven!Edward by now, but apparently not.

when Edward gets back to his hotel room, surprise! Bella is there! she is wearing “fuck—a skirt.” Edward is very happy about this

mmm. sexy.

idk about y’all but nothing gets me going like a nice complex simile about a specific big ol’ concrete barrier that holds back water.

anyway they kiss and stuff, Bella tells Edward that the criminal trial she’s a witness in is taking some days off so she’s flown in for the weekend, and they kiss some more.

then we get another classic erika Infantilize-Then-Sexualize moment, of the slightly more unusual self-directed variety

yikes. while they are making out, Edward asks Bella if Emmett and Jasper came with her (they did), referring to them as “the Chuckle Brothers.”

now I, unfortunately, have never been a British child, so I had to google the real life Chuckle Brothers. they did not disappoint:

from now on I will be picturing these two dudes whenever Emmett and Jasper are mentioned. no further questions.

anyway, Edward and Bella start to get it on

I would make y’all another sideburns moodboard but I can’t. not again. i’m...not strong enough.

anyway, they go on to have sex in a seriously dull passage about which only two things are notable:

1. the writing is beyond atrocious. like. there’s not a comma IN SIGHT. here’s a real sentence, copied and pasted directly:

I free her hair bringing my hands down to the sides of her breasts and with my thumbs I pull each of the cups of her bra down freeing her breasts and they’re forced up by the under wire of her bra pointing directly at me.

try reading that out loud without pausing for breath at any point. I dare you.

2. they don’t use a condom.

jesus h. christ on a cracker, if erika gives these characters a baby then as god is my witness I will call cps

best “fucks”

“fucking glee”

“an unexpected fucking delight” (bella)

“fucking innocent” (bella)

“anxious as fuck” (bella)

“a fucking girl” (edward)

“completely fucking blank” (edward’s mind)

next chapter: a fucking moron

#spork haven #twilight fanfiction #unsafe for work text //#return of the Sideburns Kink

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volturialice · 5 years ago

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Spork Haven chapter 2: designer fucking bedside table

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward is staying in a Vegas hotel while on a shoot for some unnamed movie. his co-star is Tanya (gross.) Hotel maid!Bella turned down his sheets twice and now he can’t get her sexy, sexy teeth off his mind

chapter 2 literally opens with what might very generously be called “dubcon.” Tanya (the villain, in case it wasn’t obvious yet) basically sexually assaults Edward in his trailer on set and he shrugs and goes with it because “it just seems rude not too.”

he calls her a crazy bitch several times, then tells us how his “rabid teen” fans are also crazy bitches because they’ve found his hotel and are now camped out there (sound familiar?)

after he eats his capital-H Hamburger and showers, Bella returns for the third night in a row. so considerate of her to turn down this poor helpless man’s sheets when he’s tragically incapable of doing it himself.

with the return of Bella comes the return of Erika’s Rule for writing from a man’s POV: say “fuck” and “shit” a lot! and it kicks in immediately in this, the sentence where Bella enters the room:

don’t y’all just hate it when your heart sings some fuck off Italian opera

I was starting to think Edward’s heart might be gay but then I read the phrase “or some shit,” which reassured me that he’s a good ol’ fashioned, red-blooded Het! thank god!

but it doesn’t end there—oh no. in the paragraph where Edward gives a physical description of Bella’s face for the first time, he uses the word “fuck” five times in six sentences. oh, and the word “shit” once.

but even better is the context: she’s literally unconscious and bleeding out from a head wound and he’s checking her out.

...I take it all back erika you’re actually great at writing men

anyway what happened is that Bella tripped and hit her head on

you know, one of those bedside tables

she passes out and Edward puts her on the bed. he sort of half-heartedly tries to stop the bleeding, but at no point does he think about calling for help or taking her to a hospital. he’s too busy ogling her unconscious body. nice.

but it’s ok because she’s fine! gushing head wound + unconsciousness? no problem! she wakes up and is nervous that Edward might “say something” to someone, behaving as if she could be fired for hitting her head. Edward, kind hearted and philanthropic soul that he is, magnanimously agrees not to say anything to anyone about how Bella gravely injured herself on the furniture. boyfriend of the year here, folks.

best “fucks”

“tit for fucking tat”

“petal fucking soft” (bella’s skin)

“pale as fuck” (bella)

“shiny as fuck” (bella’s hair)

“lonely as fuck” (edward’s hotel room)

“fluffy as fuck” (a towel)

next chapter: béarnaise fucking sauce

#spork haven #unsafe for work text //#negativity //#injury mention //#rape mention //#it's literally chapter 2 and we're starting our day with glorified r*pe #ben affleck smoking.jpeg

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volturialice · 5 years ago

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Spork Haven chapters 13-14: full fucking tantrum mode

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward and Tanya went to dinner with their movie’s producers! Tanya macked on Ed in public so he was (secretly) violent toward her in return! hotel maid!Bella was suddenly an expert at givin the succ because she watched porn once! the Dicksona was back!

strap in guys, because these two chapters are (I suspect) the boring setup we have to slog through in order to get to The Drama. but never fear, there are plenty of gold nuggets of stupid shit for me to mine!

chapter 13 begins with sleepy Edward being semi-awakened by Bella taking her leave to go do maid things. she accomplishes this by

now I personally was having trouble picturing this, and thought you guys might be too, so I made us a visual aid

there. much better. you’re welcome.

as she slips out of bed, Bella whispers that she’ll see Edward later and that she loves him, which, I mean. to each their own, but may I just point out that it has been 10 (ten) days since they met and three days since they went on their first date.

anyway, Edward wakes up in a great mood and goes to work, where Tanya is too hungover to bother him. He’s irritated upon seeing a newspaper photo of Tanya kissing him last night, and makes Eric burn it. Then he talks to Taylor, his lawyer/security guard...hybrid thing? who just so happens to have the exact same name as the bodyguard extraordinaire from Fifty Shades, as if further proof were needed that erika can only write one (1) story over and over again. Ed asks Taylor if he can bring a non-Tanya date to an awards ceremony he’s slated to attend next week. Riiiiight, because I’m sure Bella will be just fine with appearing at a high profile event on the arm of a celebrity. my dude I don’t think you understand how witness protection works

anyway, Taylor says Edward is welcome to do literally whatever he wants, because

and Edward eats that shit up and is riding high on the way home from work

don’t we all, Edward, don’t we all. anyway he realizes he’s out of condoms and makes Mike stop to buy him some (I’m too lazy to make a “mike newton buys you condoms” moodboard but if any of y’all wanna take a crack at it I would like to see it.) luckily Mike “doesn’t bat a fucking eyelid.”

Edward has a fun evening involving pizza and on demand movies planned for himself and Bella, but she doesn’t show up at the usual time. he waits for her for an anxious hour, in a paragraph that miraculously limits itself to a mere 4 “fucks” and 2 “shits.” at last, he calls housekeeping to ask where she is, and they tell him she had to leave early today “for personal reasons” that I’m sure have nothing to do with being in the witness protection program.

housekeeping must assume he was calling to complain about the resulting lack of turn-down service (remember, he can’t get into bed on his own!) because soon enough

it’s Irina! luckily, she is as DTN (Down To Narc) as ever. after Edward bribes her with $200 she leads him to the secret employee residence floor and shows him Bella’s room, but not before he manages to squeeze 5 “fucks” into another 5-sentence paragraph worrying about Bella.

Bella’s room is stripped completely bare except for a small gold earring she’s left on the floor. Edward picks it up so he’ll at least have something to remember her by suck on.

Irina and the rest of the staff have no idea where Bella went, and she hasn’t left any messages for Edward. He asks how Eric contacted her the other day, but Eric admits he just contacted the hotel—he doesn’t have Bella’s cell number.

um. far be it from me to tell anyone how to go about dating, but I feel like you should generally get a person’s phone number before dropping the L-bomb, which both Edward and Bella did last chapter.

Edward decides he gets a free pass to behave like a complete asshole because

heart and soul I understand, but if there’s really a large Bella-shaped hole in his head he should probably get that checked out. just sayin

what follows is an extended, boring sequence of Edward treating his coworkers like shit, but on the plus side, a few new characters are name-dropped. say hello to

Laurent (wardrobe)

Siobhan and Kate (makeup)

Edward makes Eric call Bella’s boss, “Miss Dwyer” (RENEE?), who claims she doesn’t have Bella’s contact info and refuses to tell Ed where she’s gone, even when he orders her to cut the shit and let him in on “the big secret.” real nice.

he heads back to the hotel, where Irina still has no idea where Bella has gone.

then we get three more painstakingly described days that all play out exactly the same way:

Edward doesn’t shower and puts on dirty clothes

he treats everyone like shit

he demands to know where Bella is, but no one knows

he drinks and smokes a lot

presumably he sleeps on the floor because there’s no one to turn down the bed

the only major difference is that on day 2 he makes Eric buy him

sounds like he’s having way more fun doing that than I am reading the same shit four times in a row!

hey erika, you know what would have been a way better way to convey this?

just sayin’.

anyway, on the fourth day Edward finally takes a shower, and then calls Taylor and demands that he track down Bella.

when Taylor gently responds that finding missing people is not part of his job description, Edward loses his gotdamn mind:

never write a likable protagonist, guys. that shit is not the least bit sexy. you know what is sexy? a guy who yells at people because he’s in self-professed “full fucking toddler tantrum mode.” mmm, delicious.

after this delightful tirade, Taylor reluctantly agrees to hire a private eye to find Bella, and the chapter at last comes to an end. thank god.

best “fucks”

“my dead fucking body”

“fucking climbing the walls”

“cross my fucking fingers”

“stupid fucking name” (Edward’s alias after the school he burned down)

“completely fucking star struck” (Irina)

“so fucking cold” (Bella)

“fucking patiently waiting” (Mike)

“fucking zen calm” (Eric)

“a fucking whining, small, lost boy” (Edward)

“safe fucking sex”

“fucking personal reasons”

“good fucking bye”

best “shits”

next chapter: some fucking massive fuck-off search on google

#spork haven #twilight fanfiction #unsafe for work text //#abuse mention //#alcohol mention //#smoking mention //

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volturialice · 5 years ago

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Spork Haven chapter 11 - fucking oracle-like insight

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward and hotel maid!Bella ate chips fries! Edward refused a turn down service! Bella called Emmett! Hi Emmett!

in chapter 11, Edward wakes up at 5 am and gets a ride to work. erika drops this bombshell:

first Emmett and now Fig Newton?? hell yeah

then he arrives at work and we find out that the “sweet little PA” he’s mentioned a few times before (the one responsible for buying Bella flowers) is in fact

it’s Eric!! the bois are all here!!

Edward delivers a charmingly punctuated aside: “the wonderful thing about what I do – is that I can behave like a complete arsehole... and get away with it”

and then orders this sweet little gentleman to go out and buy the fanciest, most expensive cello he can find.

Edward is zonked out all day at work due to daydreaming about Bella, but it still goes ok because Tanya isn’t there. He heads back to the hotel and decides to do laundry (”I never do this”) by which he means “send my laundry to someone else to do.” he congratulates himself extensively for making a pile of clothes and handing them off. what a truly competent 21st century man

Bella shows up, Edward gives her the cello Eric bought, and she's so excited that she starts playing right away, causing Edward to wonder if he can get her to play it naked.

luckily for him, playing the cello makes her horny and she tackles him to the floor, where they have sex and both—both—come in about ten seconds. ok then erika

cut to a few minutes later when

which. not to knock ravioli but just try to imagine eating it in bed for a second. really think about that. think about the logistics of being in a luxury hotel bed...feeding ravioli to another person.

also, isn’t Ravioli Cullen their child?? stop eating Ravioli! Let her date adult werewolves in peace!

just then, there’s a knock at the door and it’s—oh no—Tanya! she yells that she knows Edward is in there, so he opens the door.

"foolish twat, cullen” should be the tagline of this story.

anyway Tanya is upset because she saw

don’t you just hate it when they snap pictures of you and Shit Bella? poor Shit Bella she’s in the witness protection program why can’t they respect Shit Bella’s privacy

so Tanya demands to know who this mysterious slut is, telling Edward “you are supposed to be dating me” and reminding him of when they “made love the other day.” Edward tells her that that wasn’t making love. He’s implied to mean that it was just dirty fucking, but this is a rare instance of erika being right for the wrong reasons because it was in fact sexual assault.

then Tanya, in a “sudden rare moment of fucking oracle-like insight,”

(uh excuse you erika first of all that’s alice’s thing so jot that down)

realizes the mysterious slut whomst Edward is schtupping must be in the next room. Edward tries to block her from entering, but Bella surprises everyone by emerging from the bedroom to rub herself all over Edward and mark her territory.

Tanya storms out in a huff, but not before seeming to recognize Bella “from somewhere.” Bella sure sucks at being in witness protection.

after Tanya leaves, Bella, having overheard their conversation, asks Edward if he’s slept with Tanya, to which he replies:

ok then Ed.

Bella pretends to be mad about this, and questions whether what she herself and Edward are doing is “just fucking.” but she’s just kidding, she’s actually having a great time fucking Edward and enjoyed winding him up and making him think she was upset and going to leave.

Edward, realizing he’s been had, says this exquisitely crafted line:

he starts tickling her, sucks on her earrings again, and then they presumably bang but it’s (thank god) another Fade to Black.

then it’s late so Bella has to make another phone call. this time she calls Jasper!

I really wanna be excited about this the way I’m excited about Emmett, Mike, and Eric, but I can’t because I’ve been spoiled for the fact that Jasper is going to be The Hypotenuse™ of an edward/bella/jasper love triangle.

anyway Jasper seems to be another witness protection bodyguard, because Bella tells him where she is, much like a teen asking their parent if they can sleep over at Becky’s. then she hangs up and goes to piss in Edward’s bathroom.

Edward turns on the news and is dismayed to see that they’re showing the grainy paparazzi pics of him with Bella and speculating about the demise of everyone’s fave RPF ship, “Tanward.”

Bella and Edward are both nervous about the pictures, but he reassures her that she’s not recognizable in them and she reassures him that she won’t leave him just because he’s famous. lmao what a fucking dumb hoe you’re supposed to be in hiding idiot

the chapter ends with Ed complaining about fame once again and then another fade to black.

best “fucks”

“no fucking preliminaries”

“I fucking blush”

“slow fucking speed limits”

“my secret fucking fear” (that he’s too famous)

“on fucking tenterhooks” (edward)

“a bit fucking rank” (edward’s dirty clothes)

“so fucking pleased with myself” (ed making someone do his laundry)

best “shits”

next chapter: the fucking rumba

#spork haven #twilight fanfiction #food //#assault mention //

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