#being the autistic kid in a neurotypical family is wild

[mrskreideprinz]

i fear that i will not make it out of this family vacation alive 💔 /j/lh

[harleythealter]

So I’m scrolling on Pinterest and see this

(Borrows from Megan on Pinterest who screenshotted from somebody else)

And I just… feel so confused because over and over I find posts where I relate to the entire thing… usually ones about eye contact. Or this entire thing. But then I’m like… there’s NO WAY I’m autistic. And not because I’m in denial but because of actual things. And then I wonder if it’s just because I’m too empathetic and ‘I get the world too well’ to be autistic (this is what somebody told me once.) which… I don’t know how to express the level of effort I put into ‘getting the world’ and doing it ‘right’ and not destroying everything for the way I function differently than others-whether if it points to autism or nothing. I also am conflicted because I’m aware that I’m similar to my dad in how my brain functions and he’s autistic. So some of this has come up because I reflect my dad significantly but I think because of all the work I’ve put into learning communication instead of just giving up on interactions, that my outcome is different. I also think that because my dad functioned differently than neurotypicals, it wasn’t odd or abnormal if I didn’t act neurotypical but who knows because I isolated myself so I wasn’t a problem because my family had enough going on.

But I saw a post… sorry that I forgot who posted it, but a portion of the evidence they gathered was that Autism is predominantly a genetic trait, and if I’m right, the person said that kids who are born in households that have an involved autistic parent probably won’t notice “odd behaviors” because it’s not odd to that family. And maybe there was something about less trauma being in those households because those children aren’t expected to change their functions which led to less diagnoses in this scenario. And that made me wonder if something similar was between me and my dad, where because he was used to a one track mind, it wasn’t odd that I, his daughter was born with one.

A lot more had been passed down to me such as being an introvert but I actually love interactions, but what drains me is the environments and the anticipation of being misunderstood or confusing somebody and being worried about talking too much about things I love. There’s more.

I’ve also thought about our coping mechanisms, the similarities there. But I wonder sometimes about if I’m not considered autistic or neurodivergent because of the way I was raised. My dad was never diagnosed. He just learned that he had to rephrase questions to get an answer, and so I was taught that. I’m learning more things he taught me, just by example, because he wasn’t home very often.

So not only did my dad teach me how to cope with the world, but also I think my mom influenced it too. She kinda just made me focus on my creativity and stories. Which… we’re wild to say the least and seemingly pretty normal ig? Idk. I feel so uneducated but ‘educated people’ seem to be neurotypicals who didn’t gather good evidence. So I’m mostly looking to the community for a bit of help here because I feel a bit clueless.

Anyways. Back to the point. My mom considers that maybe how she raised me just made me not autistic nor neurodivergent… but I wonder if it’s maybe just because I don’t have trauma around how I function… which could make me very different than a large portion of the neurodivergent community who had been shamed and traumatized for who they are… and so am I just different because I don’t function the same as others? And also everybody who is neurodivergent is different than eachother, I know that. But I also don’t know if I’m being weird. Because my mom strengthened my empathy-also strengthened by trying to fix my family and being the right person for everybody. Which I’ve also been told that changing personalities and trying to be so accommodating to others is not a trait of neurodivergent peoples… but only have I been told that by neurotypical people soooooo is it really valid? Also… I have seen that in the neurodivergent community??? So essentially I’m just confused.

And maybe it’s not autism, but I think I’ve just brushed off all my symptoms of what ever it is because my parents don’t believe having a label makes it easier. So I always see a post and think “wow… that’s real to me. Well, that’s just me. Silly me. :P I bet I don’t function like them on “that level” And by “that level,” I mean in a way that neurotypicals would consider diagnosis-worthy. And so I brush off all of these things.

I strongly connect to a lot of things over and over. Like executive dysfunction, I’m very specific about how things feel, I have tics, and stims, things I just absolutely cannot handle without panicking inside. And I resent myself because I just explain that those are things everybody deals with. And I invalidate myself in many ways. I also resent myself because I hear so many of my thoughts sound very ableist(I think this is the right word) and-I JUST CAUGHT MYSELF always added endings and clauses so I can’t be caught being wrong. Anyways. Side track. [Also about my stims and tics I just tell myself I’m being fake. Isn’t that rude???][edit]

I’m trying to explore this. My dad doesn’t use any labels because he got this far in life without them and doesn’t see a point in needing them now. That works for him, but I’m tired of not knowing why all of these things add up to me and how I break down to all of these little things.

Additional thought idk where to place. I’ve been told my way of thinking is too organized to be neurodivergent and that really fucking sucked because it felt limiting as if it were different it wouldn’t be ‘okay’ or ‘good’ or ‘acceptable’. And also it’s not organized at all. I’m so confused all the time about what I’m trying to say-actually. About how to say it. And it feels as though all the factors that limit me from being neurodivergent are all so… surface level? Is that fair? they make me wonder “what?” As I try to process the logic, and I just don’t get it.

Bothering things-I’m writing down just cuz I remember them

-loud, busy environments

-crowded spaces

-certain clothes on certain days

-my family chewing. As in I can no longer eat and my ears are crawling with bugs

-overlapping sounds

-one conversation when the room is silent

-people talking during presentations-it’s so fucking hard to focus

-no noise

-that sound my car radios make when a singer sings an ‘s’

-more things

Anyways. please, share thoughts. I’m looking for some direction from people who actually live this life- or one with similarities to mine.

Plz reblog so I get more thoughts from a few people.

Also I’m not trashing my parents. It’s just observations. And this is unedited soooo you get what you get :P

[astrolavas]

please PLEASE do go on about how autistic Hunter is. As a probably-neurotypical person I love to learn more about neurodiversity from people firsthand rather than textbooks it's so cool, plus media diversity rep is something so important, I did a whole project about it actually

OKAY, BET

he's just...... soooo autistic-coded, like there's NO way he's neurotypical lmao (there are of course some things that he does that can also come from his PTSD or his upbringing/growing up conditions rather than autism (or just both! since they might overlap) but there's just.. SO much stuff that's strictly autistic that like........ it's canon. canon to me.)

like, how dramatic he is at times? the entire hexside scene???

the moment where he comes up to that one random kid like "CLASSMATE. ignore the fact that we'd never met, how would you say abt [gets straight to the point where he tells him to join a coven and leave his friends and family forever in an overconfident cheerful manner]" LIKE THAT'S SOOO XKSJKSK the manner in which he said it, the way he just came up to that random person outta the blue, how he got straight to the point, like COME ON

and THIS????

"teens are probably into the same things as me! like authority. and rules!" BRO........

also how expressive his face is (especially how expressive it is for some emotions and schooled/subtle for certain others)

oftentimes his choice of words and the specific intonation in which he says stuff???? 💀 "stop acting foolish" "it will take more than that to thwart my mission" "that's sacrilege" okay grandpa let's get you to bed nxsjksk BUT LIKE. NO, EVEN THE INTONATION he uses in very casual sentences, it's very...... yeah

how much he likes to share fun facts and talk abt stuff he knows abt and is interested in (wild magic, titan's veins/eclipse lake, mindscapes...)? and how he sometimes stops himself mid-sentence before he says too much? that could definitely be interpreted as info-dumping and special interests

how much he loves research in general? i just KNOW he loves knowing stuff and reading up on stuff and memorizing cool fun facts (him immediately reading all the grimwalker books he could find after finding out that's what he is- like obviously he did that, obviously he wanted to know what he is. but also just..... it's so, so very huntercore)

taking things literally.. wanting clearer/more direct instructions on stuff......

“i don’t feel sick” 💀

him just turning around and walking away with no word right away after willow introduced the rest of the team

him not realizing emerald entrails rly didn't want to join the emperor's coven and not realizing he did sth wrong until later, when he noticed willow was upset

THE FREAKING. DELETED SCENE FROM CLOUDS ON THE HORIZON in which he automaticaly moved to climb the vines onto amity's balcony along with luz and didn't get why luz could possibly wanna be alone with amity before willow and gus stopped him. willow and gus saying "you'll understand when you're older" and then him arguing with flapjack how he IS older, JUST. LMAO....

the whole description of him as this...... “prodigy” and everything related to that (not necessarily a positive thing, considering how he was treated and described as by many adults)? the little intricacies of it.... hm

him being kinda bad at lying and making up stuff

and even his stance sometimes???? boy

and not just THIS one, but. many many different poses in which he stands sometimes. very hmmm hm

how direct he is?

also this is a headcanon/interpretation but him constantly wearing gloves? and him saying "why are you touching it [the selkidomus] with your hands? gross"? sensory issues. so real.

also the sounds he makes and his squeaks???? how he sometimes fidgets with his hands/thumbs?

and MORE, like there are also many many moments that can be interpreted as other autistic traits or behaviours, just. ALL OF IT.

the crew did say that they've written neurodivergence into the show and into who these characters are intentionally, even if they might not be aware of some terms or labels at times, so like... i’m 100% certain hunter’s purposely written to be neurodivergent. and i’m gonna be very surprised if not specifically autistic (+ ptsd ofc)

he just... is.

anyway...

[theanimeview]

Dead End: Paranormal Park (Recommended Watch)

Source: Episode 10, Dead End: Paranormal Park

By: Beata Garrett | @zhongxia246​

I didn’t know Dead End: Paranormal Park existed until a few days ago, but it has perfectly filled the “spooky summer” urge that I’ve had this entire month. Produced by Netflix and based on a series of graphic novels by Hamish Steele, this animated show is almost surprising in just how good it is. It has casual and new representation I haven’t seen in kids’ animated shows before, a stellar cast of supporting characters, and fun animation.

Dead End: Paranormal Park has a simple set up: two teenagers, Norma and Barney, are competing for a position at a theme park based on Pauline Phoenix, an iconic actress and singer reminiscent of Dolly Parton. After a wild day of being used to summon and bind a demon, which ultimately ends up going into Barney’s dog, Pugsley, the two end up as security guards for the park. The first five episodes function as standalones in which the two solve a mystery or problem in each one, with a few threads connecting to the main mystery of Pauline impersonators who have gone missing for years within the amusement park.

The show has a lot of heart in its jokes, worldbuilding, and characters. Most notable for me were Barney, Norma, and Courtney. I loved them and their interactions with one another were so fun and wholesome.

I dive into more spoilers below so I recommend watching the show before coming back to read the rest of this.

Source: Episode 4, Dead End: Paranormal Park

It was great to see a Jewish, transgender boy represented on screen and to have him visibly attracted to another boy and go on a date with him by the end of the season. It’s done with a light hand and while Barney’s core reason for staying at the park is to get away from his parents, who “accept” but don’t defend him in front of his grandmother, it’s not done in an overly simplistic way. He deals with these feelings throughout almost every episode and it’s not immediately resolved by the end. Episode 7 is tied with Episode 9 for my favorite episode because of the way it depicted Barney’s relationship with his family and explored his feelings in more detail.

Barney is almost always accompanied by Pugsley, his faithful dog friend, and it’s sweet to see how much the two love one another. The demon inside Pugsley is voiced by Alex Brightman, who’s Beetlejuice in the musical Beetlejuice, which was great casting.

Source: Episode 3, Dead End: Paranormal Park

Similarly, Norma is a South Asian girl whom many viewers have coded as autistic. In Episode 3, “The Beach,” it’s shown that she doesn’t like touching people and is sensitive to sounds and perceptions that others have about her. She may have an anxiety disorder too or both, but she’s definitely not neurotypical. Her intelligence and love for everything Pauline Phoenix shines in the series.

Source: Episode 9, Dead End: Paranormal Park

Courtney is the demon that tries sacrificing the two at the beginning, but she comes around and finds herself more attached to these humans that she wants to be. She’s voiced by Emily Osment, whose line delivery made me laugh many times, and she’s a great chaotic factor in the mix. Her homesickness and desire to go back to the demon plane made her sympathetic and her returning to help in the finale was the perfect end to her development this season.

Dead End: Paranormal Park is a fun show with a lot going for it, especially in terms of its cast and the tone of its setting. It’s a perfect show to watch this summer and every episode made me laugh. Overall, I highly recommend this show!

[thetransintransgenic]

Okay I'm not back yet but holy FRICK check out the FRICKING Youtube video/podcast episode.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VGDWkuy_l4

It's from a podcast "Gender: A Wider Lens" (a TERF podcast, of the "trying to be subtle and avoid looking TERFy but still being really really TERFy" variety -- I have a bit more on that specifically at the end but for now that's just a tone permeating the whole thing), episode 17: Autism and Gender Dysphoria.

So you can guess the sort of things it says (well, lightly hints at) about trans people, but CHECK OUT WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT AUTISM.

The hosts are a psychotherapist -- who her perspective on autism is an interesting casual-largely-uninterested-spent-a-weekend-and-found-some-Neurodiversity-content position, she recs Neurotribes at one point -- and an "adolescent therapist ... exclusively dedicated to gender-questioning teens and families impacted by gender dysphoria" (I said I wasn't going to talk about their opinions on trans stuff, but there sure are Some Things she's carefully avoiding saying there) -- who got her start as an ABA technician.

The episode is WILD, because they clearly are trying to agree on everything -- which results in, like, a rather large amount of the podcast being the ex-ABA defending ABA to her cohost (insert all the default (functioning levels, autism isn't this perfect harmless thing, precious specially children, etc.) bad arguments), and her cohost... just not buying it and trying to move past.

But most incredibly, actual claims made during this podcast:

the ex-ABA therapist describes forcing kids not to play with their toys, and then continues on to talk about how her ABA wasn't like the stuff that's criticized, in fact she is against "ABA... based on a neurotypical behavior"

autistic people are trans because the naive autistic literal mindset makes them take imagined bullies saying "you're boyish" to heart

gender dysphoria is actually just stress from masking

JUST ASKING QUESTIONS "was The Entire Gender Movement™ created by autistic people??"

Lot of gender labels and boxes... autistic people like labels and boxes... Makes You Think!

they freaking reinvent REFRIGERATOR PARENTING THEORY with "The rise in autism diagnoses (which they acknowledge is already explained by wider awareness!) is caused by tech usage! Texting makes autism!" Like DIRECT QUOTE "Autistic traits can emanate from overuse of tech."

That was the one who read Neurotribes. And she said it so CONFIDENTLY. I don't even know HOW.

and then proceed to a few minutes later to bring up sensory issues! It's not like they don't know!

Accusations of transphobia are because trans is a special interest that they're trying to bring up

the fact that queer theory sees everything as related to gender is in contrast to (direct quote) "a more neurotypical approach to life [that] would think there's no one aspect of us that shows the complexity of the human condition"

(This one especially -- like, I honestly cannot figure out a way to parse this that isn't "autism (bad and wrong) causes transness, if they were neurotypical they would understand correctly how to be cis". This was again the one who'd read autistic activists and could recognize the issues with ABA when mentioned. WUT.)

Bottom dysphoria in males comes from autism causing compulsive masturbation, enough to harm the genitals, which (along with autism black-and-white thinking) causes transness

"Autistic meltdown" is a degrading term, they're "really big emotions" (this was the ex-ABA)

I'm just gonna directly transcribe this bit -- "when families are already embroiled in the [their child said they were trans] issue, and then they go 'oh, we need to literally get you tested for every thing, every single thing that could be wrong', it really feels to the teen as though 'you're just trying to find any excuse to tell me I'm not really trans'". ... like, uh, yeah your hypothetical teen there is pretty perceptive.

On just the trans stuff, they also have the typical Very Interesting Choices about around which topics they choose to think about AFAB people, and around which topics they choose to think about AMAB people, as well how much focus goes on detransitioners. Which is always interesting if you're a connoisseur of that.

The other WELL THEN thing -- connecting to the "trying to be subtle and avoid looking TERFy but still being really really TERFy" -- the podcast is sponsored by the American organization RIME (Rethink Identity Medicine Ethics), which is smokescreening the "medical responsibility!" bad faith and apparently actively pumping money into it. Both podcast hosts are ALSO founding board members of both the "Society for Evidence-based Gender Medicine" and the "International Association of Therapists for Desisters and Detransitioners", because apparently the "but medical responsibilty!" astro-TERF field is the same 3 people in 7 different trenchcoats doing accents.

(They're not on the board for RIME -- RIME's board is a Concerned Parent, a Jungian, and a lawyer.)

Anyways, it was COMICALLY wild.

[thechangeling]

So this is my therapy now apparently. Idk if I could talk to him this is what I would say.

Hey Ty.

You don't know me, but what's funny is I feel I know you. I feel like in some ways I almost am you which I know may sound kinda creepy. So let me explain a bit.

We are a lot alike in many ways. For one. I am also autistic. I don't actually think you know what that means at this point because you live a very sheltered life. It's not your fault, just the result of being a nephilum I guess. Also you were protected quite well by your family. By your older brother.

But you know this already. So basically autism is a mental disability which I know sounds scary but it doesn't have to be. Autism is what gave your your love of mysteries and Sherlock Holmes. It helps you theorize and deconstruct and find hidden answers in places people wouldn't think to look. It gives you your imagination and your gift for connecting with animals.

Your empathy and compassion. It is apart of you just like your blood. People may try to make you ashamed of it but the real shame is the way others react to who you are. You were actually the one who taught me that in a way. You are very stubborn and very strong and I was inspired by you as a kid.

I still am. Just so you know.

I used to be in a very dark place. I wasnt proud of myself and I never thought I deserved better. Until you. I've never related to anyone before the way I relate to you Ty. I also love to climb high and explore. I love mysteries and reading and I have a bit of a fascination with fire. It actually led to me accidently lighting my hair on fire.

Yeah it sucked but it was still pretty cool!

I know you're dealing with a lot right now and I'm sorry for that. I hope things at the scholomance are going well. I know you are capable of great things and I believe in you, but I also want you to take care of yourself. Don't burnout just to prove a point. It's not smart Ty. If you need to rest then rest.

No grade is worth your life is a lesson I had to learn a long time ago. I hope Livvy's ok. Well as ok as she can be. I hope you're healing from what happened on the beach. Yeah I know about that. I don't think Kit meant to hurt you the way he did. But I know right now that doesn't matter. You're in pain because he left and you were betrayed. The same thing has happened to me multiple times. Neurotypicals can be a lot. If you're really serious about him then make sure.

If you don't know what or how you feel or you just feel confused, that is perfectly valid. I know emotions are hard. You'll get there eventually. Try not to stress about it.

If you feel alone, please know that you aren't. You will never be alone. You are apart of a community full of interesting and wonderful people. Sure there are a few duds here and there but most of us are great. I promise. And you are loved Tiberius. More then you realize.

Please know that you are not a mistake or any sort of cosmic error. You are meant to be here and you deserve it as much as anyone. Your voice matters. Your thoughts have value and your emotions should be respected. Your life matters.

So go wild. See what the world has to offer. Uncover it's hidden mysteries but keep yourself safe. Be strong and be smart.

Take care of yourself Ty. Don't compromise just for the sake of making others happy. Protect yourself but let yourself forgive if you think it's right. Grudges can hurt you in the long run. I'll trust your judgement though. I promise.

Good luck Tiberius, and remember to breathe!

Love always,

Fae.

[destroyyourbinder]

Unriddling the Sphinx: Autism & the Magnetism of Gender Transition

When people note that "trans children" tend to have autistic traits and that children with an autism diagnosis (particularly natal girls, but also boys) are massively overrepresented in the population that is referred to assessment and treatment for gender dysphoria, many trans people's (and allies') response is that it is a kind of dehumanization and denial of agency to claim that autistic people cannot be transgender, do not have the right to seek gender transition, or that they may be vulnerable to being exploited by the transgender healthcare system. Most recently, this claim has come up again with regards to a recent piece by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, where among many other things she notes the enormous increase in child referrals to gender clinics, including a disproportionate number of autistic children, to explain her reticence to endorse the political stances of modern transgender movements.

This is my response as an autistic woman, who was once an autistic child, who is a lesbian with experiences of gender dysphoria and who once wanted to transition to male.

-----

1.

Recognizing our vulnerability to social predation and to cultural systems that we do not understand because they were not made for us is not offensive. As autistic people, it is key to claiming our autonomy as a particular kind of disabled person. We often do not recognize our limitations in reference to greater social systems not because we are "too stupid" (i.e. cognitively or intellectually limited) but because we have different value systems than neurotypical people and hierarchical institutions built for their benefit. Autism is a pervasive developmental disability, and it is a way of being. It is not merely being a "regular person" minus various clinically defined psychological capacities or skills. It is a difference across all domains of life, and as a disability that causes differences in our social and sensory perception it is also a disability that causes differences in what we want and what we care about. Both those who exhibit condescending "concern" for autistic people and those people who naively defend our right to do whatever we see fit miss this component of being autistic. It is not that we are merely vulnerable because we are missing parts of our decision-making or social skills apparatus. It is not that we are merely being unfairly denied what we want to do, and our autism is immaterial, just some excuse for the denial.

It's that we aren't recognized as having wants, only "special needs". It's that we aren't given the skills to know what it is that we want, or that it might be different from those around us. It's that we are never told how to get what we want in safe and healthy ways, or that there is even a potentially safe and healthy way to get it. It's that we are deemed automatically pathological and empty of internal experiences as autistic people. It's that we're not given any help on how to navigate our deep differences from others and how to navigate being deprived of social resources and networking in a way that doesn't tell us to just cover it up and deal with it. It's that most people who dedicate their lives to "helping" us do not care about any of these things, merely that we can be trained to act in a way that doesn't disrupt the lives of neurotypical people. Given this context, it is far more insulting to me to insist that having autonomy renders us somehow invulnerable to exploitation than to correctly perceive that we are in fact an intensely vulnerable people. By nature of our disability, we are always on the margins of social resources and social networks, and exercising our autonomy unfortunately often puts us even further outside social acceptability and social protection rather than somehow shielding us materially from the consequences of living a self-actualized autistic life. Few autistic people are prepared for this when they begin trying to make decisions "true to self" in adolescence.

I believe nearly every autistic person is traumatized from the consequences of living in this world and what others do to us. Clinicians do not usually recognize that autistic children and adults can be traumatized, that there is even anything there to traumatize. (Why else could they feel so comfortable shocking us, shackling us, or feeding us bleach?)

-----

2.

I think because we are not neurotypical we often struggle to understand just why a neurotypical person would feel ok excluding us, or maybe even anyone. Many of us autistic people have little impulse to do such things, and if we do, we rarely have the social power to make someone that we've cut out of our lives unemployable, unable to access medical care, food, housing, and so on. But neurotypical institutions are set up, from top to bottom, to create hierarchies of value with extreme material difference between the top and bottom. They are set up to stratify the "worthy" people from "unworthy" people.

Autistic people are almost universally considered "unworthy" in these systems, and to the extent that we can curry favor from them we must consent to our exploitation: to entering into a transaction on neurotypical terms, where we can get some sort of worth through providing a "benefit" to this hierarchical resource system which is not made according to our value system or for us whatsoever. This is common to all marginalized people. But it is often particularly poignant to autistic people, who struggle to find community with any social group of human beings. There is no "elsewhere" for us, there is no "home". We are stuck, as they say, on the "wrong planet", and the spaceship was destroyed.

The idea that exercising our autonomy would protect us from this world rather than render us more vulnerable because we are refusing to transact correctly or refusing to provide a benefit is utterly absurd. Our autonomy is perfectly compatible with our continued social ostracization and exploitation. It usually coexists with our continued social ostracization and exploitation.

In social skills classes-- or just the wild, wild world-- you are not taught how to deal with the fact that everyone will hate you for being you. You are taught to be someone else. You are not taught about your native autonomy. You are taught about how to put your hands here or here, how to choose between actions that are condescendingly and ridiculously normal. You are not taught how to take responsibility in a way you understand, that is harmonious to your own values and others'. You are taught to hold yourself accountable for your abnormality.

So forgive me if I do not believe for one second that impersonal, well-funded medical systems that were built off of medically experimenting on intersex children and adults (the nightmares wreaked by John Money at Johns Hopkins) or psychologically experimenting on behaviorally aberrant children (UCLA, where behaviorist torturer of autistic children Ivan Lovaas tinkered with gender nonconforming children alongside conversion therapist George Rekers) have autistic people's self-defined well being in mind.

And forgive me if I do not think informed consent clinics have autistic people's self-defined well-being in mind when they're more interested in rubber stamping hormones while shielding themselves from legal liability than assisting autistic adolescents and adults, who have an intrinsically different way of understanding gendered social norms, navigate the enormous complexity of how to interface with the single most fundamental social fixation of the neurotypical world as someone who will always and automatically fail.

-----

3.

I do not think most gender clinicians even have the first understanding of what it means to be autistic and what this does in and of itself to your understanding of gender and sexuality. What J.K. Rowling said in her piece-- a straightforward accounting of facts-- is far, far less insulting to me than what Diane Ehrensaft-- one of the premier "experts" in the United States on pediatric transgender cases-- published in a peer-reviewed journal on autism. In a 2018 letter to the editor reading remarkably like new-age material on Indigo Children, she writes that she likes to call autistic transgender children "Double Helix Rainbow Kids" and declares us "freed" from the restrictions of gender as "more creative" individuals. This article ends with an anecdote about an eight year old autistic female child with limited language use who begins speaking, making eye contact, and relating more appropriately with clinic staff after she is socially transitioned by her family. Ehrensaft muses, "“Could gender be an alleviator for the stressors of autism?”

She is not the only one to pontificate about the magical changes a gender transition brings on autistic children. Norman Spack (the first clinician in the US to use GnRH agonists on gender dysphoric children as puberty-suppressing drugs) claims in a coauthored, peer-reviewed 2012 paper (insults upon insults, in the Journal of Homosexuality) that in his clinical experience the symptoms of comorbid diagnoses--including "problems with social competence"-- "decrease and even disappear" with gender treatment. In the same paper, this passage appears:

Although the question of whether gender dysphoria is simply a symptom of an autism spectrum disorder has been raised by mental health clinicians in the field, we feel it is equally worth questioning the validity of an autism diagnosis among transgender youth, particularly of those diagnosed with Asperger’s disorder. Perhaps the social awkwardness and lack of peer relationships common among GID-Asperger’s patients is a result of a lifetime of feeling isolated and rejected; and maybe the unusual behavior patterns are simply a coping method for dealing with the anxiety and depression created from living in an “alien body,” as one patient described it.

Do autistic trans people-- who rightfully protest against mainstream autism organizations focusing on a "cure" for autism rather than respectful accommodations for our differences and medical needs-- know that very well-connected, very respected, and very powerful gender doctors are claiming that gender transition cures the symptoms of autism? Do autistic trans people-- who rightfully discuss the implications of denying that someone can both be autistic and hold a meaningful gender variant identity-- know that it is an active clinical debate as to whether or not their disability and all its struggles is "just" a result of somehow ending up in the "wrong body"?

If they do not, they should know that this is how doctors are perceiving the pervasive issues that the children in their care are having: not as the result of a life-long, stigmatized, but eminently livable disability, but as the result of a mystical gender failure that can be medically corrected. That essentially, the disability "goes away" so long as outsiders no longer perceive a problem with a child's conformity to gender norms. That either an autistic girl somehow is transfigured into a non-autistic child through transition, or more likely, an autistic girl's autistic behavior is unfitting for her as a girl but not for her as a boy. That the "proof" of pediatric transition's effectiveness and standard of an autistic child's happiness is how much the child wishes to participate in neurotypical society on neurotypical society's terms.

I cannot pretend that this isn't ludicrously disrespectful to autistic people, or that it isn't a total erasure of our experience as human beings. To these gender doctors, the fact that a girl might see the world in a different way and care about different things and thereby struggle in a world not made for her does not matter whatsoever, except maybe as a tokenistic "journey" she can go on alongside her wonderfully progressive and affirming doctors. What "autism" is for them is a particularly severe and inconvenient social adjustment problem which can be forcibly corrected through body modifications, should an autistic child or adult rightly note that they can't do gender right and this is causing problems for them. They are more interested-- like in a long history of abusive and even deadly "treatments" for autism-- in correcting the problem for them than for the autistic person. How convenient for neurotypical people both the gender incongruous behavior and the social noncompliance goes away once you medically modify a child to look like the other sex.

I cannot be anything but sick that "increased eye contact" is a sign an autistic child needed medical meddling in the intimate process of navigating and negotiating their sexual and gender development. I cannot trust that these doctors aren't missing enormous parts of their autistic patients' experiences, if this is what they are so gleeful to report as a positive transformation and their justification for disrupting and surveilling children's bodies. What do they think of autistic people and those who are gender non-conforming if they are so willing to believe that existing as a person with a stigmatized disability is actually just a misdiagnosis for the pseudoscientific condition of being a man in a woman's body, or vice versa?

----- 

5.

It takes many, many years and quite a bit of luck and support for most autistic people to fully understand and come to terms with how their autism affects them and sets them apart from both individual neurotypical people and neurotypical society at large. It takes years-- often far, far into adulthood, especially for those abused under a medical model or for those who went decades undiagnosed-- to understand the differences between social and non-social aspects of this disability.

It takes years to not resort to chalking up all of your own distress and difficulties to being a "retard".

I have not met an autistic woman yet who did not have extreme difficulty integrating her autistic differences in values with a broader sense of self that includes whatever version of herself she uses to navigate a world in which women's values are simultaneously invisible (since she has no right to determine them herself) and nitpicked to death (since it is important she complies).

In a world like this why would it not be difficult for autistic people to know when it is they are being fooled or exploited while participating in transgender communities or while seeking transgender health care? Autistic people-- especially those who are dependent on caregivers or health systems for basic care, as well as those who depend on the goodwill of their families, employers, or welfare benefit institutions to remain as independent as they can-- have to make continual compromises just to maintain enough acceptability to communicate with the outside world nonetheless do things like "make a friend", "go to the doctor", "find a job".

I do not think neurotypical people understand or care that when I speak or write it is always with a similar effort as with a second language. Language-- whether it is verbal or nonverbal, with all the extensive symbology of the neurotypical world-- does not ever get to be something other than "translation" for me. As someone with an Asperger's-profile of abilities who has studied the neurotypical world intensely for years, I have the opportunity to translate in a way that allows others to understand me at least some of the time. Many autistic people who are more affected live in the world which gives "autism" its name, where nobody cares to do the translation for us and we are left totally and utterly alone.

The 20th century philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein (who, perhaps not coincidentally, was likely autistic) was fixated on questions about the meaning of communication. About whether a language of one could make any sense, about what it would mean to speak about something hidden from everyone else or perhaps even ourselves. In a famous passage debated vociferously, he wrote, "If a lion could speak, we would not be able to understand him."

Many have resolved the question posed by this statement by claiming that for fuck's sake, a lion is a lion, and has nothing to say.

-----

6.

Gender transition appealed to me because it was cloaked in the farcical notion that there was some version of me and my body that could finally speak directly. I never quite understood the whole Adam and Eve story as an autistic child-- just don't eat it!-- but if there truly were a serpent's apple for autistic folks it would consist of this promise: that there was a world where the glass and the fog would dissolve, that we weren't covered in a repulsive and bumbling slime made of our own desires to understand, that instead of our words and hands glancing off the skin of everyone around us we could do that magic everyone else could and hold someone's heart in our hands. I was fooled because like many struggling autistic people, I wanted the problem to be me. Because then it was fixable. I would let them take my only body (which was such a sensory drag) to convert me into one of these blessed transponders that normal people were, receiving and sending all these messages like shooting stars blazing through the unimpeded vacuum of space. Without my femaleness and without the Difficulties That Should Not Be Named, I could send whatever message I wanted to whoever I wanted and it would be received, I could be gregarious, important, sexually compelling; my will and autonomy wouldn't be stifled by 140 pounds of dumpy, itchy flesh with an overbite and slack hands.

When I imagined myself as a man I didn't imagine myself like most of the childhood boys I managed to ingratiate myself with, who lisped, repeated themselves, and tripped over their own shoes. I imagined myself as a musician who was absolutely magnetic, I imagined myself as a writer with a legacy, I imagined myself telling other guys they were stupid shits and they could fuck off. I imagined being able to hold onto a football without dropping it, being able to smoke weed without getting a migraine, being able to talk without squeaking or letting out a little drool.

I thought I would finally be a human being with no embarrassments and nothing that could get me bullied in the bathroom between class. I thought when I would say "no", other people would listen. I would enter whatever mystical world it is that Ehrensaft names, made of messages and meanings, where every twist of word and piece of clothing said something, connected by a fine filament back to that Necronomicon filled with the runes of social symbology. And it would make sense.

I would become a lion, not a house cat. And the lion would speak. And we would understand him.

-----

7.

It is a neurotypical narrative that this is what transition can do for you, because it is what someone else's transition does for neurotypical people. A gender transition is magical because it decodes the lion. It unriddles the sphinx. The autistic person must be happier now, because the neurotypical person is happier now. (And who has an empathy deficit?)

But if I have learned to be afraid of anything as an autistic person it is not my own neuroticism and fixations, but those of the so-called "normal people". Forget double helix rainbows: being an autistic person is like your DNA is a converted school bus trundling through the world in spray-painted glory and the whole world has an HOA. I understand why autistic people who see themselves as transgender see "concern" as the busybody stupidity of the neurotypical world. They aren't wrong. But it exists alongside other mundane and brutal busybody stupidities, such as grant funding, progressive saviorism, and psychiatric god-complexes.

To understand and resist what the neurotypical world communicates to us about our worth is not to protest back to them in their own language. I am an autistic woman and like many other autistic women I am tired of not only making myself more palatable but translating my existence into something intelligible to outsiders, who are both men and the non-autistic. Radical feminists miss one of these; trans activists and allies miss the other. But I am irrevocably othered from both.

When you are autistic you are taught only one symbolic structure. It is not your own, but it is the only medium you will ever have to communicate with any complexity. More sinisterly, it becomes the only medium we have to communicate to ourselves, the only medium we can use to work around the silent and jumbled parts of our bodies and minds. Am I hungry? It is not always obvious. To ask the question I find myself translating, even when alone.

My fantasy about lions and men was that whatever world a lion lived in and whatever he had to say, he did not need to translate, and especially never to himself. When a lion says something he does not stop to ask if he means what he says or who is saying it. When a lion looks into the water hole and sees his own reflection, he does not need to reconcile anything. The lion does not need to speak to understand himself. A lion is made of teeth and blood and claws and the lion just does.

I do not use the symbolism of transgenderism to explain the little gaps and incongruities that are my problems with gender, with my sexed body, with sexuality. It is not only a language born of neurotypical neuroses and regulation, but it is always and forever fundamentally a translation. As an autistic woman I have spent my whole life avoiding these dual facts, through both my time thinking of myself as trans and while trying to understand this whole thing afterwards: I am my body and I am not my body. Because I speak, but I do not understand. Because I understand, but I do not speak.

I will, unavoidably, always have to translate to speak and understand. But my autonomy requires that at bottom I must respect the native communication of my own body and mind. I refuse to use force or coercion to get it to talk, to interrupt its silence, to confabulate stories on its behalf, to speak for it using assumptions it cannot confirm or deny. I have to make peace with the fact that sometimes the blanks of my body or the redacted corners of my mind will say nothing. I have to make peace with the fact that translation is always inaccurate, that something is always beyond that constellation of symbols and words. The autistic body and the autistic mind have their own boundaries, and I refuse to believe that exercising my autonomy requires breaking them.

I do not know if J.K. Rowling knows this. I hope you do.

[kokoinupi]

Jitterbug (Hashiya Nanashi, feat. Hatsune Miku & MEIKO) analysis, from an autistic point of view

Disclaimer: This is based on my personal experience growing up with autism, and the experiences of the people around me. This song is also really gay by nature, so if MikuMei isn't your thing, this is your warning. Obviously this is in no way any sort of official analysis, and actually, ironically due to my autism, I may misinterpret some things or have a hard time not taking lines literally, so don't get mad at me if I get something clearly wrong. I'm just very passionate about this interpretation, and this song comes very close to representing a real (canon) autistic experience. No one else seems to comment on it from that point of view though, so naturally I had to write this up! This is also my first full analysis, and I'm not good at being concise, so please bear with me!

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Overview: The video, for me, is a major factor in how Jitterbug comes across as an autistic narrative. The name itself, while it is still a reference to a 1920s dance (befitting of the electroswing style of the song), doubles as a meaning for someone who can't sit still, and actually on a personal note was an affectionate nickname my family called me as a kid, so that tipped me off right away. All throughout the video, I noticed most of all, the way Meiko moves her hands while she dances is very close to stimmy behavior, not really like how a neurotypical would normally dance (nor is it a part of the jitterbug itself). While Meiko is moving her hands like that, Miku very often has something in her mouth, either a kind of stick, or the laser pointer, definitely suggesting an oral fixation. Of course, both girls obscure their eyes with sunglasses (I think Meiko's aviators look so cool), and while that definitely has some metaphorical meaning as others have pointed out in their analyses of the song, it's really not uncommon for autistic people to wear shaders and/or noise dampeners to combat overstimulation and sensory issues. None of these things on their own prove anything, of course, as the video is often a small part of a song's meaning, so let's dive into the main course!

Lyric analysis:

I can't talk about any wishes, nor my ideals

Giving out the same, invariant answer all the time

For being the first line in this song, this really already punches home the idea that Miku is dissatisfied with herself, and, as is often the case with autistic people, doesn't even know how she's supposed to navigate the world. She either doesn't know her aspirations in life, or doesn't know how to talk about them without being judged.

You don't need a rotten yesterday

Dump it before you get betrayed

Meiko, being the free spirit in contrast to the masking, frustrated Miku, assures her that she can't just hold onto bad things that happened, being judged or not knowing herself, she needs to dump her perfectionist tendencies and learn to live as herself a little before her own precariously-built persona comes crashing down on her.

Just fully utilize it, tame it

Can't give it away nor dye it tomorrow

I'm fully ready

Meiko tells Miku that she has to learn to work with herself the way she is, find her talents and use them fully, rather than constantly trying to change or push her feelings deep down. She can't give away her personality, and she can't truly make herself different inside, no matter how hard she masks on the outside.

Hungry critics that can't even move

are just glancing at you sideways

The people who would judge Miku for who she is are just hungry for something to laugh at, someone to other or exclude, but when it comes down to it, they're no real threat. If she can just get over that initial hurdle, she'll realize her haters are just pathetically lapping at any entertainment they can get, and they're really not that scary at the end of the day.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots

Given this is the first line they sing together, it almost feels like an admission on Miku's part, she wants to believe Meiko and stand up for herself for once, even if it is just among them for now.

Come at nights, grab my hand and dance

The girls are obviously fond of each other (just gals being pals), and in a way, understand one another on a deeper level than other people understand them, having similar neurotypes. Dancing itself is sort of a wild, energetic activity, that can help express a wide variety of pent-up emotions, and the jitterbug itself is a pretty manic dance that fits the image rather well.

Use your eyes only for me and let's light it up,

Your one and only, scorching laser light

This line is honestly just gay. I don't think there's any deeper meaning to the laser light specifically, but it is a cute thing to call your funky spunky girlfriend, isn't it? It actually may be a reference to how Miku really is on the inside, bright and strange, and often blinding and scorching to others. She hides that side of her pretty well normally, but with Meiko it's not only fine to be bright and weird and full of personality, but actually encouraged.

Fitfully ranking things and aligning them vertically

Abandoning my heart, I convert them to numbers out of impulse

Honestly, upon my first translated listen of this song, I didn't think absolutely anything autistic was happening until this line hit me. This is so autistic in nature, I'm surprised that a lot of analyses leave it out. Miku not only sees the world in sets and orders and numbers like many autistics do, but actually feels (most likely from outside influence) that by her brain being wired to see the world like that, she's abandoned her humanity and become a robot.

The magic gradually faded out

Instead, pessimism flowed in and was entrenched

I'm taking a little liberty here, but many autistics with savant syndrome (and/or gifted kid syndrome) are praised in their youth for the amazing things they can do, such as doing complex math quickly or reading at a faster speed than their peers, but later in life, when those skills are either no longer relevant or have averaged out, the things they used to be praised for become seen as annoying, not something to brag about, or a burden. Miku no longer sees the way her brain works as magical and special anymore, it's a curse and proof to her that she's not like the people around her.

Struck speechless by the awful scenery,

Very clearly overstimulation.

I linger in the raining streets, soaked from head to toe

Some wait for the sun, some grumble about the rain

All pointing at me inside their umbrellas

This line could very well be taken literally, but it's most clearly just a way of describing how different Miku is truly. She doesn't see the same things as bad as other people, she doesn't see the same things as good either. She could be the type that embraces darkness in life, both literally and figuratively. People may not actually point, but she can feel eyes on her, and it makes her feel even more alienated. Even when she tries so hard to fit in, there are some parts of her that are too obvious to change, and she knows she draws attention anyway.

Who cares! Ignore them right now

Let's smile, choose my hand and sing

Feel the rhythm with your heart and dance

I'm not sure exactly why, but the line about feeling the rhythm with your heart made me feel really connected to the song. It might just be because of my own personal music stim habits, but either way it's another line about leaving behind your facade, being as true to your nature as possible, and just dancing out your worries to the beat of the song.

On this rainy stage, as bright as the scorching light

This line embraces the idea of Miku preferring the rain. No one else has to like the stage they set for themselves, because when they're together, it's just about them and what they want to do. Miku can soak herself in rain and bright, scorching light, and just exist with no one around to point and stare.

Eyes go dim and words are lost

While this can just be a reference to depression in general, it's worth noting that many autistics have trouble showing expressions, and/or go nonverbal, often in response to stress or unusually upsetting circumstances.

The colors of today have faded out

Still, it couldn't end because of someone

This can be a way of insinuating that Miku is actually suicidal due to how she's seen by others, and Meiko is the one thing keeping her here, or it could just mean that Meiko stopped her days from getting too bad in a moderate sense. Either way, pretty gay, and shows more how much the girls depend on each other in mutual understanding.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots!

Come at nights, dance and grasp your aspirations

Referring back to the first line, Meiko does assure Miku that not everything needs to be worked out for others' sake, but by spending time with your true self and unpacking your feelings, the future you're supposed to have and the things that truly make you happy will become clear.

I shall dedicate my entire life to you

Let's shine on, like the scorching light

Reach your hands out, until the very end

Miku is in lesbians with her. Ending the song on such a gay note is never a bad thing of course, but it is a little anticlimactic for this analysis. Though, the line of reaching your hands out might actually refer to their hand movements in the video, symbolizing to keep being weird and authentic as long as you can, but that may be a bit of a stretch (or a reach, if you will)

Final thoughts: I have seen other analyses (though not as in-depth) about the meaning of the song, and while they definitely do have some meaning and I can see it from that point of view, there are just some obviously autistic cues that I couldn't ignore that just swayed my perception of the song entirely that direction. I'm not sure if I only picked up that meaning because of my own experiences biasing my view, or if I actually am onto something with the original intention of the song. If you guys have any insight to offer on any of the lyrics, or if I missed or misinterpreted something, feel free to let me know! Thanks for reading this far, honestly! 🌸