#being resolute about being ready to die

[remembertheplunge]

She is resolute. She is ready to go

May 9, 2023 Tuesday. 8:24pm

Javier from Hospice came to Zoe’s house at about 1pm. Denise and I were there with Zoe.

Skyler arrived soon after.

Denise, Skyler and I didn’t sleep well last night.

I was up at 2am. Went back to bed later for awhile.

I’m still in shell shock. Lack of sleep. And, it rips me up to see Zoe like this. There is an unspeakable horror tinge to it.

She is resolute. She is ready to go.

End of entry

Notes: One year later, May 9, 2024 Thursday 7:53pm

The above is a part of a continuing blog series which I began in May of 2023 and can be found in my blog archive.

I’m now reading and reviewing the blogs from the same day last year leading up to and after her May 14th death.

I had driven from my home in Modesto, California the 4 hours up to Chico the morning of May 9, 2023. Denise and Skyler were friends of my sisters who were going to aid in her end of life care. Javier from Enloe Hospital Hospice arrived and explained what to expect with Zoe’s end of life process. On May 9, Zoe was still very much conscious and aware of the nature of our meeting She was talking and making sense.Her attitude was good. She was present when Javier talked with us.

When the others left, Zoe and I sat her small living room area. She a large flat screen TV  elevated and 10 feet from where we were sitting. It played classical music and had beautiful changing nature scenes. Prior to her terminal illness, Zoe was an avid watcher of the news. She loved being up with what was going on in the world.

But now, her watching the nature scenes seemed to be part of her saying good bye to this world. Those scenes haunt me a bit now. Such huge signs of transition.

Zoe must have told me that she was ready to die. Thus, my line in the journal entry that she was resolute and ready to go. She maintained that resolve to let go into death until she went into a coma a few days later. The only even slight complaint she had about the experience was that she was surprise death would come so fast.

Zoe would die on May 14, 2023.

[fiercynn]

okay, if you have ever made or reblogged a “hold your nose and vote for biden” post, this is for you.

here’s the fucking thing about these kinds of posts. i've been seeing them since i first returned to tumblr in, I think, late 2022? they've certainly increased in frequency since october 7, but they were there before too, ready to counter any kind of opposition to biden that has cropped up. many of them are not just trying to educate people about what positive things biden has done, which, like, at least I can understand the motivation behind those ones? but so many of them are directly in response to people criticizing biden, and their only real point is “sure you’re upset at this thing biden did, but have you considered the election?” starting YEARS before the next presidential election, mind you.

and october 7 only made that clearer. i don’t think it had been a week before i saw these posts cropping up. can you not see how fucking ghoulish that is? to look at the rightful pain and anger of those whose relatives and communities are being slaughtered with active american support, to respond to one of the few pieces of agency most americans have in influencing what their governments do – their vote – by saying “yes but trump would be worse.” as if the primary people you’re lecturing – palestinians, muslims, arabs, black people, indigenous people, disabled people, other marginalized people – don’t remember exactly how bad it was under trump!

and even if you think not voting is an empty gesture – something i, who studied political science at a mainstream american lib college, who has worked as a field organizer on a previous democratic presidential campaign and for several policy campaigns, who currently works in public policy in america, used to believe, but have absolutely changed my mind on – what is in no way an empty gesture is saying publicly that you will not vote for someone. the arguments people usually have about why simply not voting is bad are that you can’t tell why someone is not voting, so it is as likely to be apathy or disenfranchisement as it is a political statement. but saying publicly that you will not vote for someone, and why you will not vote for them, absolutely is a political statement, and potentially a powerful one! but you choose to negate and/or ignore that by trotting out the “lesser of two evils” bullshit.

and then there’s the whole “yes but people will DIE under trump”. PEOPLE ARE DYING NOW. even if you’re fucking racist and have decided that palestinian lives don’t count, have you forgotten biden’s ongoing covid minimalism and dismantling of the CDC’s covid research and prevention infrastructure? have you forgotten his increase in spending for law enforcement scant years after the murder of george floyd and his administration's surveillance of protesters, including cop city protesters? have you forgotten his recent ramp-up in deportations of undocumented immigrants, including the active continuation of many trump-era policies?

maybe you have forgotten all those things and do purport to care about palestinians, but you just think that biden is doing his best to influence netanyahu and is getting nowhere! but then you must have forgotten all of the things that biden and his administration themselves have done to further this fucking genocide, including:

continuing to send arms to israel

putting together a military task force within days of yemen’s red sea blockade and attacking yemeni ships

bombing yemen

bombing syria

bombing iraq

vetoing three ceasefire resolutions at the united nations

testifying to defend israel and its genocide and occupation at the international court of justice

refusing to rescue palestinian-americans stuck in gaza

halting funding to the united nations relief and works agency for palestinian refugees (UNRWA) based on israeli claims that 12 of UNRWA’s over 30,000 staff were hamas agents, even though u.s. intelligence has not been able to independently verify this

lying that he’s personally seen photos of babies beheaded by hamas when he hadn’t because they didn’t exist (and even when his own staff cautioned him that reports of beheaded babies may not be credible)

questioning the number of palestinian deaths reported by the gaza ministry of health (when even israel has not questioned them, since they are in fact proud of those numbers)

perpetuating lies about hamas having committed the attack on al-aqsa hospital

questioning united nations reports of adults and children raped by israeli soldiers while claiming to have proof (that no one else has seen) of hamas doing the same

honestly so many more things that i can’t remember them all but others feel free to add

or maybe you haven’t forgotten any of that, and think that you’re still justified in lecturing people about why they should vote for biden, because you genuinely believe trump would still be worse. if that is the case, you have still failed to see that by saying you will vote for biden no matter what, you are part of the problem of biden continuing to act like this. because biden is counting on fear of trump to win him this next election no matter what else he does. despite his appalling polling numbers, despite the knowledge that he is losing the palestinian-american vote, the arab-american vote, the muslim-american vote, the black american vote, the youth vote – despite all of that, he is secure in the idea that he will still win because he is better than trump. can you not see how that allows him to act without impunity? how it becomes increasingly impossible for his base to influence what he’s doing if he thinks that they will be with him no matter what? this is how you make yourself complicit to biden’s actions, by not affording anyone even the slightest power to hold him accountable for anything.

and in most cases, the “hold your nose and vote for biden” thing is the response of people who aren’t even being instructed by others not to vote for biden. it is their response to people saying they themselves are choosing not to vote for biden. fucking ghoulish.

[redeemingvillains]

the playlist - mattheo riddle

summary: enzo overhears something about you he shouldn't have and when he tells his friends, all hell breaks loose.

word count: 1.5k

soundtrack: dress - taylor swift

a/n: just some fun, sweet and silly banter with our favorite boys! i made enzo italian? not sure if that's a thing. and i definitely took some liberties with italian, so please forgive me!

warning: the group is lowkey mean to enzo about his english not being very good; this in no way reflects my personal views about that. anyone that even attempts to speak or learn more than one language (esp english!) is amazing ♡

"Alright, I've got another one"

Pansy's voice carried from your bedroom into the bathroom where you were curling your hair, getting ready for your girls' night. She was fiddling with your phone, playing music through your bluetooth speaker.

"Fuck, marry, kill: Blaise, Mattheo, Theo."

"What is the actual matter with you?" you responded, laughing. "I'm not answering that, none of them" you said resolutely about your best friends, even as your heart trilled in your chest at the very obvious answer you had in your head.

She laughed deeply, "Gods they would simply die. Any of them would be on their knees to marry you, I swear to Salazar... or fuck you for that matter."

"Pansy!!"

"Ok, ok, I give up."

"Anyway, how are things with you and Draco?" you asked, looking to quickly change the subject.

A heartbeat. No response.

"Pans?" you asked, your ears listening intently for her answer before you became worried. "You okay?" you asked, concerned as you carefully set down your curler and peered around the doorframe to find her with a shit-eating grin on her face, staring at your phone.

"Pansy..." you said cautiously as you slowly approached her.

"I just found a very interesting playlist on your phone. 'M.R.'? Gee, wonder what that could be?" she said slyly.

Your feet started moving quickly towards her. "Nonono, nope that's not what you think –"

Now she was on her feet, running away from you. "Oh, GIRL, ohhhhh my goddddssss!"

"Give it back!" you shouted, lunging for your phone as she dodged out of your grasp.

"This is all Taylor Swift! Down Bad, But Daddy I Love Him, DRESS!?! I KNEW IT, I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!" she shouted as she scrambled on top of your bed and jumped up and down. "This is the best thing that's ever happened to me, please, Mattheo is going to lose his mind!!!"

"Oh gods, Pans, please, please you cannot say anything, not to Draco, not to anyone."

Her eyes flicked from you to over your shoulder and your heart dropped into your stomach as you turned to see Lorenzo standing in your doorway.

"...Ciao bellas..." he said hesitantly, eyebrows raised as he took in the scene in front of him, Pansy, out of breath, standing on your bed, you clambering up beside her as you were both shouting at each other.

"Uhh, hey Enz, what's up?" you said as casually as possible as you climbed off your bed.

"I'm here to borrow your potions textbook, you said I could?–"

"–Yes, gods, yes I did" you said, scrambling to search for it from the pile on your desk before brandishing it at him.

"Thank you bella" he said as he left, a cheeky grin on his face.

"Fuck how much of that do you think he heard?" you said, looking up at Pansy.

"Babe, he barely speaks English, you're fine" she said nonchalantly. "But as for me, you have a lot of explaining to do."

Enzo made his way into the common room where the rest of his friends were gathered around the TV playing a video game as he plopped down onto the couch beside them.

"Where the hell have you been?" Draco asked without breaking his concentration on the screen.

"I was with la dolce e la piccante, eh, I needed her book" he said, using his affectionate nicknames for you (sweet) and Pansy (spicy). "Amico, she was talking about you" he said suggestively, his eyebrows wiggling.

"Yeah, what did she say?" Draco asked, his curiosity piqued.

"No, not you, la dolce, she was talking about Mattheo."

Mattheo had been sprawled in a large armchair with his hood over his head and eyes closed, but they fluttered open at that. Be cool he thought to himself, even as his heart raced in his chest. Enzo immediately registered his reaction and smirked.

"Care to share?" Theo grunted, jamming the buttons on his controller.

"She has music for you" Enzo said, his eyes never leaving Mattheo.

Mattheo's heartrate slowed.

"She sends me songs all the time, we have a shared playlist, Enz" he said, waving him off as he pulled his hood back up.

"No, no, it was not for sharing, it was a secret."

"You mean a surprise?" Blaise tried.

"No, no, la picante, she found it and la dolce was upset, it was a secret playlist."

Mattheo sat back up.

"A secret playlist... for me?" he asked.

"Yes!" Enzo said, happy to finally have gotten his attention and the message across.

Enzo's confirmation was met with some chuckles and ooohs and aahhs.

"Did you hear it?"

"What was on it?"

"I bet it was the same depressing alternative shit you two always listen to" Theo said.

"Shut the fuck up" Mattheo snapped back, narrowing his gaze at him.

"–It was Taylor Swift!" Enzo announced proudly, and four sets of eyes shifted to him, with three blank stares.

A pause.

"Ok, but like what era are we talking about here? Lover? Folklore? TPD?" Theo said and four sets of eyes shifted to him.

"What the fuck?"

"Bro, what are you talking about?"

"Am I supposed to know what any of this means?"

"Che cosa??"

"Taylor Swift is a fucking icon and anyone who says otherwise is either deaf or ignorant" Theo retorted before snapping his gaze back to Enzo, the video game in the background long forgotten now.

"Tell me exactly what you heard."

"Ehh, Down Bad, Daddy something something, and Dress" he said, nodding as he remembered each.

Theo's controller fell off his lap as he leaned forward intensely, eyes narrowed on Enzo, "You are fucking certain that's what you heard?"

"...Yes..?"

Theo let out a noise somewhere between a howl and a laugh.

"Oh my fucking gods Matty you lucky son of a bitch!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Mattheo asked. He was sitting upright now on the edge of his seat and he could feel his pulse in his neck as he'd watched the conversation going back and forth between Theo and Enzo like a fucking tennis match.

"Dress by Taylor Swift? But Daddy I Love Him? Hellloooo???!!" Theo was cackling now, falling back on the couch, his hands on his stomach.

And then panic ensued.

"Put it on! Someone pull it up!" Blaise shouted, scrambling to his feet in search of his phone.

"Gods" Draco muttered, his hands on his head as he tried to process the information as tears streamed down Theo's face with laughter, and maybe a small bit of bitter jealousy.

Enzo looked around with wide eyes at their reaction, somehow more dramatic than the girls'.

"No!" Mattheo said finally, standing up and grabbing Blaise by the arm as he was frantically trying to find the songs. "All of you, just shut. the. fuck. up" he said firmly, his voice low and serious as he enunciated every word, causing each of them to stop what they were doing and look at him.

"This is bullshit, he doesn't even speak English" he continued harshly, gesturing halfheartedly to Enzo. "I'm not wasting my time with this shit, can we please just get back to the game?"

He sat down resolutely, picked a controller up off the floor and moved to restart their game.

The group exchanged quiet glances with one another before settling back into their places.

Mattheo had been able to project a semblance of controlled anger the rest of the night, despite the sideways glances he received, but on the inside, he felt like a kettle full of boiling water, ready to scream.

He was fuming that Enzo repeated what he'd heard in front of everyone, furious at the way Theo laughed and annoyed at everyone else's reactions. His life, his feelings, and especially his friendship with you were private; it was none of their godsdamn business.

He also didn't like the idea that Theo knew your music better than he did, music was something the two of you had always shared with each other... since when did you listen to Taylor Swift anyway? And why was her music such a big deal?

He was tossing and turning in bed now, playing and replaying the evening's events in his head until finally he reached for his headphones, shoving them in his ears as he grabbed his phone. He needed to know, needed to understand why Theo was making such a big deal out of it. Theo's voice echoed in his head: "Matty you lucky son of a bitch!" and excitement and jealousy stirred in his stomach in equal measures.

It doesn't mean anything he told himself, tampering his expectations. The last thing he wanted to do was get excited, like one song was going to change anything anyway.

Dress he typed - tapping play.

Decent beat he thought, she's got a nice voice...

And then he hit the bridge.

Say my name and everything just stops I don't want you like a best friend Only bought this dress so you could take it off

He had stopped breathing.

Everyone thinks that they know us But they don't know nothing about All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation My hands are shaking from holding back from you –

He ripped his headphones out of his ears and sat straight up in bed, his hand falling subconsciously to his beating chest as he tried to catch his breath. He swallowed. He blinked several times, trying to register what he'd just heard.

I don't want you like a best friend?

Well fuck he thought, me either.

T H E P L A Y L I S T

🏷️ tagging a few of my beautiful mutuals: @girllblogging777 @draco-dormiens @dracosbabygirl8 @leona-hawthorne @noble-serpent @sectumsempraaa @reys-letters

[pshbites]

LOVE ON AiR: 16. YAP CENTRAL EP.136: did social media ruin relationships?

WARNiNGS » profanity, mentions of d wording, sexual jokes, crying, ynhoon teasing, yn never being safe

wc: 3.1k

episode desc - enjoy your stay today in yap central! as we’ve done the whole cycle, todays episode is a deeper one! we open up with a positive impact we’ve seen on each other. then we go right in with how our presence on social media has affected our relationships. following that up we keep the theme of the deeper episode and go over the influence social media has on us and how we view ourselves. we end the episode off by saying one thing we’ve noticed about one another as we’ve grown and how we think it affects the friendship. the episode ends off on a bittersweet note but we hope you enjoyed your stay today in yap central!

*the 6 of you are seated in your assigned seats. jungwon adjusts the soundboard and riki tests the mic out, then giving him a thumbs up. sunoo sets his mic up a little closer to pick up his audio and looks to the camera, setting his phone down*

sunoo: it’s been so long since we sat in here

giselle: i know like two weeks right?

yn: i think almost three *you say, adjusting your outfit as well as your seating position. riki scoots over so you have more room.*

jungwon: i mean it counts as like a summer break since we didn’t really take one.

kat: good point. you know guys do you guys remember those um fuck what were they called

riki: it would help if you gave a description

kat: shut up im thinking

*the rest of you stare at kat in silence until jungwon breaks the silence to laugh, the rest of you following suit*

jungwon: im sorry it’s just what could it be that has you thinking that long

giselle: she’s using everything in that little brain come on now!

*giselles comment makes the rest of you laugh even harder, kat laughing as well*

kat: i can’t even think of it nevermind

yn: it’s okay babe you’ll find it later.

riki: i have to say these costumes are amazing actually. might be my favorite theme

giselle: you know riki you’ve been hating a lot less recently.

jungwon: i was gonna say that too, he’s a bit nicer

riki: what can i say, finally holding my deal for the new year’s resolution

yn: watch now that we said this he’s gonna be doing some fucked up shit by the time the episode comes out

*a text box pops up on the screen saying “he in fact did do some fucked up shit during the editing process of the episode - jungwon” then disappears after a couple seconds.*

riki: you have no faith in me

yn: simply stating the facts

jungwon: you guys ready for me to sign in?

kat: go for it man *she nods at jungwon who smiles back. jungwon adjusts himself and looks to the camera*

jungwon: beep beep! you’ve arrived in yap central i am your host today, jungwon or aang. starting from my far left we have.

kat: toph

riki: zuko

yn: katara!

giselle: azula

sunoo: appa!! *he shows off his fuzzy appa bucket hat, earning a smile from all of you*

yn: sunoo i love you please don’t die

*sunoo looks at you in horror as the others burst out laughing*

jungwon: anyways.. *nervous laugh* the cycle is complete so today is a deep episode!

giselle: oh my god last time i literally bawled on my way home

kat: won you always pick the most brutal questions

sunoo: i cannot believe you asked us if the younger versions of ourselves would like the us now. like that is so ugh

riki: look at the way he’s smiling i think it’s something torturing again

*jungwon grins evilly at everyone making the rest of you groan in both discomfort and agony.*

jungwon: starting with my first question! what is a positive impact you have noticed on each of us. let’s start with sunoo. you guys don’t have to go one at a time just build it up.

sunoo: okay well.. lay it on me. *he looks to the rest of you, nervously, then shocked at who speaks up first*

riki: you laugh a lot more

*giselles eyes widened as riki spoke, the rest of you sharing the same reaction. everyone stayed quiet so riki could talk.*

riki: like when we were in highschool you always seemed to be bothered, or like you just never really were happy. and i think when we started doing this and you started tiktok you’ve been a lot happier

yn: i was honestly gonna say the same thing. you seem happier when we go out sunoo, like you want to be there.

sunoo: i feel a lot happier, honestly it sounds stupid but doing this with you guys does make me really happy.

kat: i agree. i mean i really wouldn’t trade it for anything.

giselle: awww look at us having our moment!

*both you and sunoo giggle at giselles comment, jungwon nodding to giselle, signaling she’s next*

kat: giselle, you don’t really care what people have to say about you anymore.

jungwon: ahhhh i was gonna say that

kat: like you seem so much more confident now than you did before.

giselle: when though? because i feel like i just started feeling like this overnight.

yn: if i were to pinpoint a time frame id say when you broke up with [BLEEP]

sunoo: no i COMPLETELY agree, like there’s a brightness to you now.

giselle: aw thank you guys *she pouted then smiled*

jungwon: guys please be nice to me.

riki: you’ve always been a natural born leader. i just think you’ve always been positive.

yn: i agree but there’s like a glow to him now

kat: oh my god are you pregnant?

*everyone looks at kat then bursts out laughing. some of you stop but jungwon and giselle can’t stop laughing.*

sunoo: oh my god it has something to do with who gave you that bracelet

jungwon: sunoo seriously *his cheeks turn pink, hand now covering the friendship bracelet*

giselle: oooo who made it for you?

jungwon: it was a mutual swap

yn: mutual swap.. or she gave you that wap?

*the others start laughing again, jungwon as well. riki daps you up*

riki: that was a bar

jungwon: i’m not admitting anything.. on camera.

everyone: OOOOOOOO

jungwon: next! go flame yn!!

yn: not fair, we weren’t even done with you

jungwon: don’t care, you’re not as closed off as you used to be

riki: oh my god yeah, when we were kids you were so shy

yn: really? i feel like im still in my little shell

kat: no i get what they mean. i mean even when i met you, you were really shy.

yn: thank you?

riki: i think jungwon means it in the way that you’re more open to meeting others now. like you enjoy being a people person

yn: ahhh, i see now. i guess the podcast really helped with that. like seeing people say how they enjoy my little bits and just things like that. it sounds conceited but it almost made me feel like people actually valued me? you know.

giselle: i get it, it doesn’t sound conceited babe

yn: okay i don’t like this much attention

giselle: this sounds weird to say but riki has gotten nicer atleast to us

kat: yeah i see

riki: die

sunoo: glad to know you haven’t changed..

jungwon: guess someone doesn’t wanna open up today

riki: oh would you look at that! it’s kats turn!!

yn: i think kats tells us a lot more now. like before you never really told us anything about yourself.

kat: i just have trust issues, it was nothing personal.

giselle: it’s true it took her so long to open up to me

riki: i honestly think the podcast brought out the best in us. surprisingly enough

jungwon: i see what you mean. maybe another way to put it is that we realized how much closer the camera brought us

giselle: or this friendship is just a ploy for jungwon to make more money off of us

*everyone laughs*

sunoo: we’re such coworkers

yn: heard it here first!! giselle hates her friends

giselle: can you stop with that *laughs*

yn: oh i’ll drag it through the mud

giselle: then i’ll drag yn[BLEEP] through the mud

*everyone laughs even harder now, you side eyeing giselle.*

sunoo: she kinda got you there

yn: let’s move on?

jungwon: speaking of relationships. *you glare jungwon down as he chuckles a little, looking at his phone once more.* how do you guys think social media affected your relationships and how do you think social media just influences how you view yourself. you can answer it in any order.

sunoo: i feel like having a presence on social media just makes having a relationship so much harder.

giselle: it kinda does, like people just expect for you to lay out your entire lives on social media.

jungwon: i think it depends on what kind of person you’re with, it’s almost like that person has to be up to your fans standards you know.

yn: i think there’s some people who can be normal about it but at the same time you have to be okay with everyone knowing everything about you.

kat: yeah but then it just shows that people online think that we don’t deserve privacy. it’s fucked up like they’re borderline stalking us you know?

*riki glanced at you as kat spoke, noticing how you stiffened at the word stalking*

riki: a lot of people aren’t okay online, it’s weird. like being so obsessed with someone to the point of finding out their personal information

giselle: if that ever happened to any of us i really don’t know what i would do.

jungwon: i think i honestly would try to sue you know. you have to be a certain level of fucked to do something like that.

yn: yeah, i agree it’s so weird.

kat: i kinda don’t wanna sound like a pick me

riki: just say it, you won’t sound like one.

kat: it’s so much harder being a girl with a social media presence.

sunoo: the fact that you had to hesitate to even say that says everything

jungwon: i really don’t get it either, like i’ve seen both women and men do the same things online and sometimes the guy is worse than the girl and yet it’s always the girl getting attacked and harassed.

giselle: i think it’s because people just view girls as easy targets almost. like a girl could do something completely normal and the internet would spin it to make her a villain

yn: it’s disgusting really, no one really ever really wants to side with a girl.

jungwon: do the comments still get you guys? i mean i know it was really bad in the beginning

kat: actually no i remember when it got bad. it got bad that episode where [BLEEP]

*jungwon and giselle glance at each other then start laughing*

giselle: remind me to edit that out.

yn: honestly no, the comments don’t bother as much anymore. after a while i realized that they’re just saying this because they have nothing else to talk about so i just stopped looking.

kat: i agree, it gets better when you just stop reading the comments all together.

riki: god please take periods away from women and give it all to me.

*you and kat give riki a look then burst out laughing, sunoo jungwon and giselle following that.*

sunoo: can’t stay serious for a second

riki: i would never joke about women in pain

*jungwon and kat keep laughing as riki goes on, unable to take him seriously*

yn: going back to the original question i just think it’s hard, like seeing people overstep a boundary or intrude on your life and just be okay with it

sunoo: and people just say oh well you asked for this um? no i didn’t actually i just wanted post skincare videos

*jungwon snorts, causing a chain reaction for everyone else to laugh*

kat: im glad we haven’t cried in this episode yet.

giselle: oh my god don’t jinx it he still has two more questions

jungwon: you might cry at this next one *kat sends a look to jungwon and he gives her an evil smile* my next question is what changes have we seen in one another as we’ve grown up together. it can be good or bad.

riki: jungwons lost it this is so similar to the first question

yn: i feel like he means overall

jungwon: thank you! atleast someon listens to me

yn: *you look around shocked and confused* oh my god.. did you guys hear that? was that a ghost?

*jungwon stares at you as everyone else laughs at your joke*

sunoo: so are we gonna go around in a circle?

jungwon: no how about.. the person sitting across from you. like riki sits across from giselle so they can say it about each other

kat: wait i wanna start

sunoo: this is too much pressure

kat: *she stares at sunoo and smiles warmly* sunoo i admire your love for us. like i don’t know you always support all of us no matter what and i feel like as we’ve grown closer you just have so much love to give

giselle: that’s so adorable

riki: sunoo i love your videos please don’t die

sunoo: STOP WITH THAT JOKE *he turns to look at kat* thank you kat i love you. i have to say sometimes i feel like you don’t tell us everything but it’s okay, just because we’re your friends doesn’t mean we have to know everything about you. i just want you to know that we’ll always listen no matter what.

*kat stares at sunoo as he smiles at her, then looks down when she feels tears welling up in her eyes. riki looks at giselle and jungwon panicked as they pass him the box of tissues.*

yn: aw babe *you frown looking at her as she lifts her head up to see tears streaming down her cheeks*

sunoo: wait i didn’t mean to make you cry

kat: it’s okay i jinxed myself

*everyone laughs slightly, still worried about her. sunoo moves his mic and gets up to hug kat. they stay like that for a few seconds until he lets go, patting her head. he says something but the mic can’t pick it up then walks back to his seat.*

kat: it’s not that i don’t want there was just a time where i felt like no one really care you know?

jungwon: you’re not obligated to tell us everything, but we care more than you think even if we have weird ways of showing it. *he glares at riki who only throws his hands up*

*the rest of you laugh at riki’s reaction and even kat lets out a chuckle after wiping her tears*

kat: to the viewers watching.. this never happened i am mysterious and batman doesn’t cry

giselle: nurse.. she’s out again

riki: okay giselle! lay it on me! *claps his hands together*

giselle: you use being mean as a cover up you actually care a lot about what people think but you use being rude or mean as a shield.

*sunoo gasps, the rest of you stare in silence because giselle is 100% right*

riki: okay cut the cameras

jungwon: i mean she’s not wrong

riki: if you wanted me to cry it’s not gonna happen

giselle: i know

riki: i hate you guys

sunoo: yeah sure you do

riki: well, since you want a taste of your own medicine *riki clears his throat* you shouldn’t get into another relationship, atleast until you evaluate how you act during them.

giselle: excuse me?

jungwon: weird ass time to admit your feelings

riki: you’re a weirdo that’s not how i meant it

yn: well then how did you mean it

kat: i’m curious

riki: every time i've seen you get into a relationship you just stop acting like yourself. you’re less confident and it’s almost as if you change yourself to please the guy you’re with. I just don’t like seeing any of my friends like that.

*all of you stare in silence at giselle, the air feeling heavy as she pushes her mic away and mumbles something to jungwon then ups and leaves.*

yn: um. is she okay?

jungwon: she needs a second

riki: was it something i said?

jungwon: it’ll be okay, she just said she needs a second.

sunoo: she’ll be okay guys, let’s move on yeah?

yn: okay well.. jungwon i think you bottle a lot of things up, intentional or not.

jungwon: *he sighs, crossing his arms* it’s not intentional i just think you guys have too many worries on your own plates to worry about mine.

kat: even if we have a lot going on that’ll never stop us from wanting to know what’s going on won

jungwon: i know i guess it’s just hard? to admit i need help?

sunoo: there’s never anything wrong with that

jungwon: thanks guys

riki: yeah yeah

jungwon: okay yn, im glad you like yourself more

kat: um

riki: wow!

sunoo: that is certainly a statement

yn: excuse me??

jungwon: no i worded that terribly

*the 5 of you burst out laughing at jungwons poor word choice. within this time giselle walks back in, closing the door slightly. the mics can’t pick it up but riki mouths “im sorry” to her. causing her to shake her head and smile. “it’s good” she mouths back making him smile back.*

jungwon: what i mean to say is that you’re more confident now. not just about yourself but your videos too. i’m glad to see this change in you

yn: thank you won, it means a lot

jungwon: of course

giselle: well this was certainly an episode

yn: one of us always ends up crying

sunoo: that sadist probably likes it too

jungwon: woah? the term isn’t sadist

*the rest of you laugh*

sunoo: let’s have a group hug! everyone up on your feet

*sunoo stands up, kat and giselle following suit. you and jungwon stand up and riki groans, then reluctantly stands up. the 6 of you huddle around one another and go for a group hug. the mics can’t pick up your voices but the recording has slight shuffling and giggles from you 6. after a couple seconds you pull apart and sit back down in your respective seats.*

giselle: i love you guys

kat: me too

sunoo: me three

jungwon: me four

yn: me five

*everyone looks at riki who only rolls his eyes*

riki: me six..

jungwon: well guys hope you enjoyed your stay in yap central we hope you didn’t cry too much. i have been your host jungwon and please make sure to check out our links in this description and like, share, subscribe, and comment! till next time!!

previous masterlist next

AUTHORS NOTE » lol UMMMMMMM sorry guys i didnt realize how long it had been without an update WE ARE SO BACK THO

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[nonbinarylocalcryptid]

Another angst scene from Mutiny feat. Astyanax

The kid watched him work the rope around Odysseus' wrist with deceitful boring eyes. He was silent, but watching, ready to strike. When he got like that, Eurylochus always forgot he was just a kid.

A kid who tilted his head when he didn't understand things.

"Do you really think tying his hands will stop him?"

What was Eurylochus supposed to answer? He went with the truth.

"No, but it'll buy us time."

Astyanax hummed, looking bored again.

"Hm, coward."

Once he had tied his brother's hands, he should have get Up and walked away. Instead he kept pushing.

"We have treated his wound, you can let your guard down now."

"Not happening, no matter how painful it is, I can no longer trust any of you, Perimedes is lucky to be alive, but I thought, 'hey, we actually need him to row', and I decided to wait, he's going to die anyway." There was a something sinister on his face that resembled a smile. "We must do whatever it takes to survive."

Despite the kid's fearless front, a shaking hand search for Odysseus, grabbing the unconcious man's shirt. Eurylochus chose not to comment on that.

"So this is your resolution."

"I have always been frank to you, pity you can't say the same."

"I have one last question for you."

Why condemn a kid to Odysseus's madness? How long until the self-proclaimed father turned against the boy? Could Eurylochus even convince him to join him?

"I'll listen," it sounded like a warning, "but I don't owe you an answer."

"Why are you so set in getting him home? What do you get from him that you can't get from us?"

Astyanax looked puzzled for a second, surely because he expected a whole different question, but he answered.

"Well, I don't care about Ithaca, there's nothing for me there, but he gives me both love and purpose."

"Just that? You are so quickly in turning away the crew for the love of your father?"

A humourless laugh came from the boy, surprising him.

"You see, that's the difference between you and me. You don't care for him as a person anymore, but I do. You'll kill him without hesitation if that would get you home but I rather chew off my own foot than make him suffer." Eurylochus sighed, and it didn't go unnoticed, as the boy tilted his head again. "Hm, interesting, you pity me, why?" Something as dark as playful settled on his face. "Do I sound too much like Polites to you? Or is it the shame what clouds your judgement? What would your wife say if she knew how many times have you wronged her big brother?"

"Don't bring my wife into this."

"Can you even call her that? You don't even fight for her anymore!"

Whatever Eurylochus' answer was, it died in his throat, interrupted and gone before being said.

"Sir, an island!"

"We are not done here." He said, finally getting up.

"Yes we are, you fool." A shadow had took place in Astyanax's face and didn't leave. "We don't need treators."

[canonsensical]

A comment I'm repeatedly seeing (and agreeing with) about Season 4 of the umbrella academy is that the characters actions did very little to impact the plot or overall outcome of the story.

1. Diego and Luther's Eggs and Legs Adventure. What came from this apart from Diego discovering family is important and that Five's boss is evil? I would have loved to see Diego come into his own a bit here. Over the seasons he's wanted to join the police, the commission and the CIA, but it hasn't worked out for him largely because he isn't great at taking instruction or working in that sort of team. It would have been great to see him become a Leader in that CIA office and to showcase his tactical skills. Even if Luther became the rallying heart of this dynamic encouraging people to do what they joined the CIA to do, to help him and his brother to hack systems to find where Gene and Jean, or Beniffer or other crucial players are.

2. Klaus and Alison's Great Escape. Being possessed by a ghost and learning their secrets? Great, use it again. Have dead Jean possess him, use that to gain intel either to sabotage their plan, or to realise that they aren't that different from the keepers. They wanted to get back to their rightful timeline too! Alison's issues some more from her unresolved conflict with her family. She betrayed them, she thinks they resent her. She would try to sacrifice herself for them and Claire so hard at the first opportunity.

3. Lila and Five's Subway Surfing. I am keeping away from large parts of their story, but you can't introduce an Alternate Timeline Subway System and not have it as part of your plot resolution. Sorry, thems the rules.

3a. At the moment of absorption by Bennifer, Five blinks them all to the subway, they live in peace and harmony in one of the safe timelines until they are ready to die, and then they go back to finish sacrificing themselves.

3b. Take all those keepers who want to get back to their rightful timeline, and take them on the subway to find somewhere they'd be happy.

3c. You have established multiple interacting Five's in Max's diner, confirming the scale of alternative timelines with Marigold. (Only some marigold timelines will have Five's as seen with sparrows and Phoenixes) Assuming 50 plus kids in each of those timelines, that's a lot of power that they actually have physical access to.

Hopeless endings are all well and good, but you can't make the characters irrelevant to the entire story as well.

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

I feel myself having so much less patience these days, and I don't like it.

Patience and compassion and kindness are things that must be cultivated like tender plants - they grow by the inch and die by the foot.

Seeing into someone's heart is something that takes a little effort, but the way to do it is by reframing your outlook, like you might adjust your vision to see through water. There are layers to a person, and you have to look past what they say or do on the surface in order to get to their true motivations.

And it takes patience and holding space for people, because they are used to operating in an unsafe environment. It's like when you go to the pond, you're not likely to see frogs right away. You might need to sit quietly for a half hour before the frogs re-emerge and float to the surface. But once you see them, suddenly there are frogs everywhere! You just had to wait until your mind allowed you to take them in. People's vulnerabilities and intentions are the same way. You might need to wait a while until the person is sure you are safe to be around, or they might have been exhibiting all of those vulnerabilities and motivations pretty openly; you just couldn't tell until you knew what you were looking for.

This gets much, much harder to do when you yourself don't feel safe, especially when you aren't (or feel like you aren't) being seen as human. You also (obviously) must see the other person as equally human to yourself, or this doesn't work. Perhaps a broken, deeply flawed person; but a person nonetheless.

I work in the domestic violence field, and so I end up talking to a lot of abusers in my professional life on behalf of my clients. I've found that it helps a lot to be kind. Why? Not because it's deserved, but because it's unexpected. They come into the situation ready to fight and argue, and instead, I speak to them kindly and explain why what my clients are asking for is in everyone's best interests. This seems to deflate them pretty immediately. They come into the situation thinking I'm the boss level for "fights with my ex (or whatever)" and then I listen. I take them out of earshot of my client, I let them vent (which helps me figure out what they actually want) and then I patiently explain our position and how we're offering to resolve the situation. And you know what? It works. A lot of the time, they were expecting me to treat them like a monster. But they're not a monster; they're a person who has done some inexcusable and horrific things, but they remain a person. I think about both my abusive exes, and the truth is that they're both people I loved, and loved for a reason. I wouldn't want someone else to hurt them (even if it was in cruel words only) just because they hurt me. Sometimes, the abuser is the father (or mother) of the client's children. There is typically always anger, but what good does it do for me to vent that anger for my client? Who does it help? Nobody. If we can't agree, then fine. I will do my job of asking the tough questions without mercy. But before that? Far better to de-escalate if possible.

Another conflict resolution thing: you have to remove the aggressive third parties that are angry on one side or the other's behalf. They tend to aggravate the party and escalate the situation by talking in the person's ear and saying how unfair this is and generally making it about their own feelings rather than problem solving.

But here too, finding out where the third parties who have involved themselves in the situation actually want is critical to diffusing this as well. They are people who are righteously (at least in their mind) angry on behalf of one of the parties because they love them and this has activated their protective side. And sometimes people really do need an advocate, yes. But sometimes (a lot of times) these third parties actually get in the way of de-escalation and problem solving.

All of this requires patience, effort, cultivation. And I work hard to do that. But lately my patience has been worn thin by too many people seeing me as subhuman, and it's really starting to wear on me.

[madhatterbri]

Care | HOOK

Summary: Hook and you broke up. Anna with the help of Jack uses this to come for your championship belt. An unexpected hero saves you.

Author's Note: GIF has nothing to do with this it just makes me feral. 😭🤌

As always, requests. 🥺🥺

Life is hard working for a wrestling company. Friendships and relationships constantly came and went. You travel a lot and spent time with fellow wrestlers more than your own family. You swore you would never be with anyone in AEW until you laid eyes on Hook.

The relationship was physical at first. You both wanted to have sex without feeling bad for someone waiting for you to come home. It was nice at the beginning. You two would meet up together after the show. Times changed when you started developing feelings.

You were honest with him, but he wasn't interested in a relationship. The two of you were young. He wanted to experience the world. More like experience girls around the world. In order to avoid anymore hurt, you two decided to go your separate ways. That was three months ago.

Now you were getting ready to cut a promo in the ring. Your make-up was done and the championship belt was secure on your shoulder. Tonight was simple enough, anger Anna Jay. The two of you hated each other. It wouldn't be hard.

The unsettling feeling of someone watching you made the hairs on your neck stand. You turned to see the handsome devil himself. He was in a hoodie and sweatpants eating chips. His mind seemed to be in a different galaxy, but he was definitely staring at you. You missed being able to talk to him. Maybe that was a resolution for another year.

The familiar sound of your entrance music played in the arena. You walked out to the top of the ramp. The crowd went wild. Fans of different ages reached out for you to high five them.

The microphone was handed to you. An once rowdy crowd was quiet to hear you. You spoke your piece about Anna. Some of the insults were low. Tony gave you the green light to rile up Anna. You were going to take it. Your speech was cut off by Anna's music.

Anna came out with Jack in tow. She stormed to the ring. You dropped your championship belt in the middle of the ring to meet her outside the ropes. Anna was the first to swing. The two of you landing blows on each other. You never noticed Jack grabbing your championship belt from the ring.

"You think your fuck buddy is going to save you, Y/N?" She asked menacingly. You hadn't thought you would really need help. Normally, you weren't really put in jeopardy of actually losing the belt you worked so hard for.

"I don't need anyone," you scoffed. "I got in this business alone and I'll fight and die alone,"

"You think your are so funny?"

"Actually? Yeah," you answered truthfully. The crowd laughed at your corny jokes. You had to be funny. Anna pushed you to the ground. You landed on your hands and knees facing away from her.

'Rude,' you thought before getting up. You stood up and faced her. Before you could attack, Anna kicked you into the stairs. A scream of anguish sounded through the arena.

"What the fuck?" You asked yourself. Immediately the crowd gasped as their women's champ went down. Your head and back slammed to the stairs. Anna stood above you as you slid to the floor. The championship belt displayed on her shoulder. The camera zoomed in on the two of you. Your eyes pleaded for someone to help you.

"This is going to be mine, Y/N. I'm going to beat your ass until I say I'm tired. Do you understand me?" She yelled at you. You moved your legs as if to get up. She stood on your leg to stop you. Painful throbbing occurred under her foot.

The arena went dark. You were starting to wonder if you passed out. Your head throbbed and you were pretty sure your upper back fell out. The familiar rift of Chairman's Intent felt like an angel's song. Cheers filled the arena.

"We gotta go!" Jack yelled to her. Anna dropped the belt and ran with him into the audience.

Hook was at your side.

"Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?"

"I was hoping she'd kick that shitty attitude out of you," he countered and helped you to your feet. Hook grabbed your belt knowing how possessive you were with it. Your legs wobbled as he helped you up the ramp. Several members of the crowd wished you a speedy recovery.

You limped to medical with him helping you inside. Hook helped you on the bed while you waited for the doctors to run their tests on you.

"Thanks. I didn't think anyone was going to save me,"

"You didn't think I would save you?" He questioned.

"I didn't think you would care."

"I've always cared,"

[alwritey-aphrodite]

From Friends To This

Chapter 7 of There’s Nothing Like This

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Jamie Tartt x fem!footballer!reader

Warnings: none :)

Word Count: 2.3k

Author’s Note: just one more chapter…

After your realization, you spend the rest of your night spiraling, despite your many attempts to relax. As you watched TV, as you got ready for bed, as you tried to fall asleep, all you could think about was Jamie; what he was doing, what he was thinking, what his reaction would be if you ever told him.

Would you even be able to tell him?

You can’t remember the last time you’ve felt like this, can’t even imagine ever feeling this way towards anyone, but Jamie is so important to you as a friend, you can’t imagine not having him in your life because obviously he would never speak to you again if you said you loved him. Staring at your ceiling, you resolve to bottle up your feelings until they disappear or you die, and you finally fall into a restless sleep.

Most of your Sunday is spent trying to forget about the day before, about your realization and the terror that ensued, but it seems like no matter what you do, the universe keeps reminding you of the thoughts you’d rather bury. Every movie playing on TV is a romantic comedy, and when you go on your phone to escape, you’re met with texts and Instagram posts from the very person you were hoping to avoid. It isn’t fair to ignore Jamie, though, because as far as he knows, you’re still two friends who have no romantic feelings for each other.

It hurts you, though, when you’re typing out your responses and acting like everything’s alright, because you know you could never live like this, couldn’t survive the stabbing pain in your heart whenever you see or hear or think about Jamie. Despite your resolution from last night to bottle up your feelings until you die, you know you need to tell Jamie sooner rather than later, to bring you both some peace.

Jamie’s a good guy, and he’s nothing like what you’d thought he’d be like, so all you can do is hope that he’ll take your confession with a smile and a laugh and then you can go back to being friends and pretend like nothing ever happened and hopefully your feelings for him will just evaporate with time, even though you’re pretty sure you fall more in love with him whenever you think of him.

After a restless Sunday and another night of anxious sleep, you’re irritated Monday morning by every single thing that happens to you. Your bed doesn’t look quite right even after you make and remake it, you can’t find one of your socks, you forgot to wash your favorite water bottle, and you’re all out of basically everything you could want to eat, so when you hear a knock on the door, you’re just about ready to scream.

“You should start locking this,” Mackie says as she enters your house without waiting for you to open the door and suddenly everything seems a little bit better, “you look like shit.” Coming from anyone else, that comment would probably make you burst into tears and lock yourself away in your bedroom for the foreseeable future, but knowing Mackie, it’s just her way of asking if you’re alright.

And, honestly, she’s probably right, you haven’t been sleeping so you’re sure there are prominent bags under your eyes and you’re all anxious and annoyed, so it’s not like you’re giving off an aura of relaxation. You don’t respond to her, instead filling up your sub-par water bottle and grabbing your bag from the counter, sure that someone has a protein bar or fruit that you could steal for breakfast when you make it to the Dog Track.

“What’s up with you?” Mackie asks before you can leave, situating herself in front of your door even though she’s the one with the car keys.

“Nothings up with me,” you reply and you know you sound defensive but you can’t help it, you’re not in the mood to talk about your feelings. You’ve forgotten that Mackie knows you so well, you don’t even need to tell her anything.

“So you’ve figured it out,” she says with a knowing little smirk that would irritate you if it was coming from anyone else.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” and you busy yourself with taking a long sip from your water bottle, signaling that the conversation is over and you don’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Jamie’s in love with you,” a little water dribbles out of your mouth in shock, and you’re surprised you didn’t fully spray Mackie with your mouth full of water at her casual tone of such a heavy statement.

“He’s not in love with me,” you scoff, trying to fight your way around Mackie to get outside because suddenly the air in your house is suffocating.

“Are you blind? He’s totally in love with you, he’s always looking at you with those big puppy dog eyes and I always catch him searching for you whenever the team walks past him,”

“How do you know he’s even searching for me?” You’re not sure why, but you’re desperate for Mackie to be wrong.

“Because his whole face lights up whenever he sees you,” catching a glance at the time on her phone, Mackie turns to leave, but not before saying, “you should talk to him about it,” clearly intending to leave this conversation at your house and not carrying it over to the car.

Despite your earlier resolve, now your hands are all sweaty and your mouth is dry at the prospect of even seeing Jamie, let alone talking to him and confessing your love. Mackie had given you false hope, hope that maybe instead of laughing and things going back to normal, you and Jamie could be something more, and now that that idea is swirling around in your brain, you think it’ll crush you when it never happens.

The drive is spent chatting idly, asking about each other’s weekends as if Mackie didn’t just turn your whole world upside down. You hate the way she smirks when you say you and Jamie had dinner together, as if you and her have never gone out to a restaurant together or ordered takeout to eat on the couch. It makes your heart beat a little faster, makes your brain spiral and spiral because if everyone else can see it, maybe there really can be something more.

Walking into Nelson Road, you bump into Sam and Jamie, who’re leaving from an early morning training session.

“Are you ready for your last game on Saturday?” Sam asks and then pays no attention to Mackie’s answer as he’s too busy glancing at you and then Jamie and then back again. Eventually, though, he tunes back in, and gives you one of his hundred-watt smiles.

Continuing on, you pretend like you can’t feel Sam’s eyes on the back of your head and you ignore the looks Mackie sends you as soon as Jamie’s behind you.

“Can we act like adults, maybe?” You turn to her before entering the dressing room, stopping the witty remark you knew was coming. In fact, her mouth was already open, but she makes a show of snapping it shut and locking it with an imaginary key.

All throughout training, it’s like everyone’s staring at you and whispering behind your back, bringing up feelings of being friendless and alone on the playground, kicking a soccer ball against a wall because no one wanted to play with you. It makes you feel jittery and nervous, and you can barely focus on running drills. You wonder how everyone else seems to be doing perfectly fine with multitasking, training and making you feel like a bug under a microscope.

Back in the dressing room, you turn to your locker to change out of your sweaty clothes when you can feel 40 eyes boring into the back of your skull, and you just can’t take it anymore.

“What is everyone’s problem?” You ask, turning around at lightning speed and watching as your teammates jump. At least they have the sense to look embarrassed, but you aren’t sure if it’s because of their actions or because they were caught. “We have the biggest match of our lives on Saturday and you all seem to be more concerned with whispering about me than training.”

They squirm, and you feel a little bad for them, but as their captain, you need to get to the bottom of whatever’s happening before Saturday because if you’re not playing like a unit then, everything you’ve worked for is worthless.

“We just want you to be happy,” Elena says, talking to you like you’re a small child throwing a tantrum or a frightened animal.

“Then leave me alone and focus on training,” you spit, feeling like a caged animal and you’re sick of it.

Elena, though, knows you too well to let you off the hook so easily, and continues to act as spokeswoman of the group.

“C’mon, we all see it, and you clearly seem a little preoccupied today,” she says with a knowing head tilt, complete with a little smile you find infuriatingly adorable, “just talk to him.”

Now it’s your turn to squirm, uncomfortable with how clearly everyone can see something that you can’t. You wonder if they’ve thought you were lying every time you’d adamantly declared that you were just friends, even though your revelation only came a few days ago. It’s also a little embarrassing how no one needs to say his name, that’s how obvious it’s been to everyone but you that there was something else going on.

“Fine,” you declare, finally cracking a small smile, “I’ll talk to him, just so you guys get off my back.” Your teammates cheer, and you can’t help but laugh at how absurd the whole situation was. Hopefully now they can focus on preparing for Saturday’s match, and after you decide how you’ll talk to Jamie, you’ll be able to spend all your energy getting ready as well.

Changing as quick as you can and turning down both a shower in the locker room and a ride from Mackie, you start your walk home, needing time to clear your head and think of a plan, knowing that if you at least have some idea of what you want to say you won’t make a total fool of yourself in front of Jamie. During your walk, you think over and over how best to confess your feelings to Jamie, and coming up with nothing, you decide to take an extra long shower because that’s where you do your best thinking.

All of that goes down the drain, though, when you see a familiar car parked in your driveway.

“Jamie?” You ask, seeing the man in question sitting on your front step, fiddling with his hands and looking shocked at your arrival.

“Uh, yeah, hey, hi,” he stands, tucking his hands in his pockets and looking more nervous than you’ve ever seen him, “I was wondering if we could talk for a minute.”

Unsure of what he could mean, you nod anyway, moving around him to unlock your front door and gesturing for him to follow you inside.

“Want tea or coffee or something?” You ask, heading into the kitchen mostly so you have something to do, so you don’t think too hard about what’s going on and freak yourself out.

“No, thank you,” Jamie sits himself at your kitchen table as you turn on the kettle, even though you aren’t really in the mood for tea, you have so much energy flowing through you that it needs an outlet.

“What did you wanna talk about?” You ask, head buried in your cupboard as you look for a box of tea, even though you know there’s one on the counter.

“Are you gonna sit?” Jamie asks instead of answering, “I kinda wanted to talk face to face, yeah?”

Sighing, knowing he’s right and knowing you can’t keep stalling anymore, you turn off the kettle and take a seat across from Jamie, the weight of his gaze on you making something painful and wonderful bloom in your chest. A few more seconds of silence pass by before Jamie clears his throat and shifts in his seat.

“Alright, I’m just gonna say it, yeah?” He takes a breath, as if whatever he’s about to say is physically strenuous, and then it all tumbles out. “I think I’m in love with you, which I know is weird ‘cause we’re mates and all and I can’t really remember when I realized it so maybe I’ve always been in love with ya, but I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable or mean we can’t be friends or anything like that.”

It’s silent again, and you’re soaking in everything Jamie just said but he clearly takes your silence to mean something else.

“Just thought you should know,” he says quietly and he stands, looking a little like a kicked puppy.

“Jamie, hang on,” you stand and follow him to the door, desperate to not let this opportunity slip through your fingers, “you can’t just say all that and expect me to respond right away.” You chastise him, but you’re smiling, unable to keep your joy and relief off your face.

It’s almost impossible to come up with anything else to say, you’re so overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts swirling through your head, but you know Jamie deserves a response after he’d poured his heart out to you. Instead of speaking, though, you do the next best thing and place your hands on the side of his jaw, pulling him towards you while giving him time to pull away.

He doesn’t, instead wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you even closer, and then you’re kissing and it’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of. He’s so perfect and he’s all you can think about, your senses and your mind becoming overwhelmed with him. It doesn’t matter, though, because for once in your life you can ignore your brain and focus on the moment, focus on Jamie and his hands and the gentle way he kisses you, like you might disappear.

You grip him harder, sure your nails are leaving little indents in his skin but needing him to know that you aren’t going anyway.

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[acourtofthought]

Sarah seems to like to keep her couples apart before their books. Cassian stayed away from Nesta after ACOWAR until solstice in ACOFAS and then until ACOSF. Rhys stayed away from Feyre at the beginning of their book. Do you think this is what she's doing with elucien since they only had one interaction in ACOSF on solstice? It makes me feel like elucien is definitely next. I can't see her keeping them apart for another book.

Definitely! I think Elucien seem to be following a very similar pattern to both her sisters and their mates before they ended up together.

Feyre kind of had feelings for Tamlin then met Rhys who she, despite being afraid of, was also somewhat drawn to what with her thinking he was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen and the way she called to him after he already started walking away. Then she fell in love with Tamlin and accepted Tamlin's proposal despite later admitting she had wanted Rhys even UTM, that her heart knew before she did that it belonged to him. At the start of ACOMAF she hadn't seen Rhys in months but ended up with him by the end of the same book.

Nesta later revealed she was terrified from the moment she met Cassian because of the draw she had to him but she acted on page as if she hated him. In ACOWAR, it appeared she'd finally let her guard down and was ready to die by his side in the war but once the novella rolled around we got the line that Nesta had no interest in even being in the same room as Cassian. We also find out that she'd been sleeping around with others. At the start of SF, we find out she also hadn't seen Cassian in months save for a party on the barge where they only spoke about 5 words total (that consisted of "Move. Hello Nes. Move. Gladly) and the book started with Cassian arriving to find another male in her apartment.

Elain and Lucien were clearly drawn to one another from their very first meeting. Lucien tried to step towards her before she was put into the Cauldron then broke free of his shackles to go to her side after. She had a hysterical Nesta standing in front of her but instead of looking at her sister, Elain was staring at Lucien. Their connection continued in ACOWAR with all the wordless looks at one another, where they felt one another through the bond, where she took a step towards Lucien as if to stop him but Elain then tried to go back to Graysen at which point he rejected her. We had hope for Elucien at the end of ACOWAR but once the novella started up Sarah pulled a Nesta with Elain where she was also ignoring Lucien (as Nesta began ignoring Cassian), where she started showing maybe a bit of interest in Az (a slightly lesser version of Nesta showing interest in many other guys). Nessian's standstill came to an end in SF because it was Nesta's book, therefore we saw the main resolution to their relationship but in order for her to begin Elucien's book in the same way that Nessian's did, Elucien's setup needed to carry on into SF. Again, the novella featured both sisters pulling back from their mates but since we're only getting one book at a time, Elain's arc needed to continue on with keeping her distance from Lucien. And just like Cassian lost his temper a bit with Nesta in the novella, we see Lucien starting to lose his temper a bit in SF ("I'm not always in this city to see my mate" - The last two words dripped with discomfort). That doesn't mean either male was done with their mates, clearly Cassian was hurting and Lucien still went on to look at Elain with disappointment and longing on Solstice but we started to see them experiencing the straw that broke the camels back that would eventually lead them into a showdown with their person.

Now we're ready for the next book and I agree, keeping Elain and Lucien apart yet again doesn't make much sense from a narrative standpoint. There's no place for them to go without the storyline feeling repetitive "oh look, Elain ignoring Lucien for yet another year!" Just like Cassian and Nesta finally needed to have it all out in SF, I think we're at that point with Elucien. We need an answer to their bond, we need to finally know what Elain has been thinking, we need to finally see them find where they each belong especially because Lucien has been a drifter for far too long. Him needing to find out about Helion has gone on for far too long. Beron's torture of the LoA, Eris, and his attempts at killing Lucien have gone on for far too long.

It's not that Sarah isn't capable of writing a great romance with Gwynriel next but in my personal opinion, they aren't really "the" big story right now. They'd be kind of friends to lovers or friends to, not quite enemies but irritation(?) to lovers but she'd have to create their drama out of thin air right now versus the drama that has been the Elucien bond since book 2. Again, she can do that, she did it with Chaol / Yrene & Nesryn / Sartaq, but there weren't two other main characters who had been waiting for their arc for multiple books by the time TOD rolled around. I just think it would make more sense for her to resolve Elucien's bond next, have Mor and Eris delve into their past in an Elucien book (since Mor / Elain seemed to share a closeness in ACOWAR and we know she's over in the continent and Eris would probably play a big role in Lucien's book) and that sets us up for Mor to finally talk to Az, maybe in a novella. At that point, once Mor reveals her "truth", Az can finally move forward and I think that would be a natural point for him to have a romantic arc with Gwyn and if we had another 1.5 books until then, it will have given Sarah time to build up their own endgame ship drama to be resolved the same way she did with the Archeron sisters.

[imabeautifulbutterfly]

I love you and your celebrations! You know how much I loved Crosshair x Sith!Reader. I would love to see more of their story with the quote, "Look at her -- I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way -- what bliss." Thank you, sweetie 😘😘😘

@firstofficerwiggles thank you for your amazing request. You always ask for something extra and I love it.

Here's a continuation to the Crosshair x Sith!Reader you wanted. I did write it with a f!reader in mind.

What You Deserve - Part 2

Warnings: Possession, anger, shock, pleading, twisted love, Sith!reader, extreme reactions, force choking, unintentional choking, fear, worried for someone else's welfare, convincing someone to leave, civil war, I think that's it. If I miss anything please let me know.

Previous

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Hunter stood looking at Crosshair, shocked by his declaration. Wrecker, Echo and Omega all shared a similar shocked expression, granted in varying degrees. Tech however, remained stoic and kept his eyes on you, his hand ready by his side; almost as though he knew his brother wouldn’t have joined them and for one specific reason, you. 

“You’re not coming?” Wrecker asked once more hoping he’d heard incorrectly.

“I’ve made my decision.” Crosshair gently repeated as he shifted closer to you. 

When the two of you headed towards the planet, Lannik, the last thing you expected was … well a few things. One, actually finding Jedi sympathizers, and a hub to smuggle them and the Jedi from. The second being, Crosshair’s family. You hadn’t expected to find them helping Jedi sympathizers; and when you both ran into them, it caught you completely unaware. That brief second you hesitated, allowed for the transport ship to make its escape, and for the two of you to be captured by Crosshair’s family. Finally, the last thing you expected was for there to be some sort of civil war, between those in favour of the Empire and the rebels. Somehow, you ended up being caught in the middle of a firefight, and before you knew it, his family had brought you to a safe place. Everything happened so fast, you couldn’t even get it clear in your own head. Of course, that could also have something to do with the concussion you were currently suffering from.

Truthfully, you could’ve avoided all of it, but then that would mean doing the very thing you’d sworn you wouldn’t do; make decisions on Crosshair’s behalf. Even though everything inside of you was screaming to keep him all to yourself, to hide him from anyone else. 

When Hunter offered him a chance to leave your side and go back to them, you felt your blood beginning to boil, wanting to just erase them from before you; however, for Crosshair’s sake you held back. 

It took all your strength and effort not to kill his family right there and then. The fear of being on your own again, of not being able to find someone that makes you feel the way Crosshair does; someone who makes you feel safe and secure. Having to face your Master without support. The fear began to grip your heart, as you felt it fuel your anger. 

“We all have different choices to make.” Hunter continued, completely oblivious to the turmoil you were under the more he spoke, “Are you sure about this? About staying with …” he motioned towards you. He couldn’t bring himself to say your name. 

Crosshair turned to look at you, a small smile on his lips, it quickly disappeared as he faced Hunter again.

“I’m sure.”

“You could die because of her or she might make you kill for her.”

He turned once more to look at you, "Look at her --“ he turned back to face Hunter, resolution in his eyes and determination set in his face, as a slight smirk appeared on his lips, “I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way -- what bliss."

Tech shook his head, “She may have you under mind control.”

“I. Would. Never. Do. That.” You hissed through gritted teeth, your voice low and dangerous as you spoke towards goggles, your anger was becoming harder to control as it simmered just below the surface, taking a step closer, your hand moved toward your lightsaber without thinking, a clear warning to his brothers. 

Crosshair could see in your eyes, the slight hue of red beginning to appear, he knew they were pushing your buttons and he needed to bring you back down, he held his hand out towards you keeping you back as he shook his head. 

“I know, sweetness.” The term of endearment slipping out, hoping it would break through your anger, “Just ignore him. I know you’d never hurt me.”

You narrowed your eyes at his brothers as you nodded, you had enough of this nonsense. All you two had been listening to for the past hour was them trying to convince him to leave you, and come back to them. All it did was keep pushing you closer to the edge, the anger within you at its breaking point. You didn’t want Crosshair’s attention deviated, you wanted him to be focused solely on you, and not having to listen to his brother’s conversations, not wanting their opinion to influence him. 

The last thing you wanted to keep hearing was them trying to convince the one you wanted to leave your side. 

Regardless of what they had to say, he was yours. 

How it actually happened, was still a bit of a mystery to you, but at some point during the hyperspace journey, to this horrendous planet, you both finally admitted your feelings. 

And now he was yours to love. 

Yours to care for. 

Yours to have by your side. 

He was yours, he couldn’t leave. 

He couldn’t leave. 

You’d never let him leave, not now that you just found each other. The only way he’d ever be allowed to leave, would be either by his death or yours. 

However, if his brothers weren’t around, all of this would be moot. If only his brothers could die… had died on Kamino. With each passing thought, your anger grew stronger, fiercer, more possessive.

Crosshair stepped into your field of vision as he saw your fists clench, your eyes shifting to their reddish hue. He cupped your cheeks, holding your face in his hand, forcing you to look at him. To see him, not his brothers. “Cyar’ika, calm down. I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. I’m here. I’m by your side. Look at me, cyar’ika. Look at me.”

Your eyes focused on him, the anger within you slowly subsided. You closed your eyes and let out a breath you didn’t even realize you were holding, as the pounding in your chest, and the whispers of voices in your head diminished. You let go of your clenched fists, and held his wrists. 

As soon as you released your fists there was a collective gasp of coughing, as all his brothers kneeled on the floor gasping for air. Omega, had been the only one not affected as she ran between her brothers providing any sort of comfort or relief she could. 

Shock and surprise filled your face, when you opened your eyes and saw the damage you caused. Seeing his brothers on the ground, gasping for air wasn’t what you wanted, even if you thought about it, you never wanted to actually hurt Crosshair or his family.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You repeated over and over again, as tears streamed down your cheek, “I didn’t mean to … it was an accident… I’m sorry…” 

“Shhh” Crosshair placed a kiss on your forehead as he held you close, he glanced over his shoulder to Hunter who was kneeling on the ground, as he began to breathe normally, Omega’s hand on his shoulder. He knew it wasn’t your fault, sometimes you couldn’t control the beast within, as you called it, “You should leave. We’re fine.”

“Crosshair, she’s dangerous. She’ll turn on you too.” Hunter pleaded one last time.

“No. She won’t.” Crosshair looked into your eyes, his trust and faith evident in every look, smile and word utter from his mouth, “Just like I’ll never turn my back on her.” He held you close, wrapping his arm around your shoulder, as he guided you away. “Let’s go, cyare.”

You nodded, enjoying the closeness.

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[abnormallynice]

TWEWY Joshneku City of Angels AU lets gooooooooo when you just gotta admit "who am I kidding Im never coming back to this even though I reaaally want to asdfgh I'll just post what I have"

[Wall of text of lore below~]

TW// Suicidal ideation Angels wander the city of Shibiya to lead spirits to the afterlife. They cannot be seen, unless they want to be and have no personal want of emotions or free will. They cannot feel the way humans do. Physically or emotionally.

Angel Joshua arrives to lead away suicidal teen, Neku. But he wavers and Neku decides against his decision. Joshua becomes intrigued by Neku when the teenager goes out of their way to save the life of another, when Neku was so ready to give up on their own. It's a spark of fascination for Joshua that quickly fades, as time goes on and the depressed-teen-turned-hero-friend fades to memory.

Years later and Joshua is doing the rounds in a local hospital when he spies a familiar face. Neku, now in scrubs, doing his medical residency. During a young patient's last moments, Neku refuses to let the child die and his eyes meet with Joshua's. Neku doesn't see the angel of course, but a familiar spark lights up in Josh. He begins to follow Neku's daily comings and goings in the hospital, then outside of the hospital. Despite careful (but entertained) warning from his angelic colleges, Joshua makes himself known to Neku, and only Neku.

Apprehensive and disbelieving at first, Neku eventually begins to believe this angel and they become closer (or as close as one can get to a being with little comprehension about Emotions). Neku decided on a medical career since the day he helped save a (now) friend's life. He wanted to help people but realized that the job was a lot harder on one's emotional and mental well-being. Unfortunately, you lose as many lives as you save in his profession. In talks with Joshua, Neku remembers another thing he loved to do: sing. He never had time to indulge more in this hobby, thanks to his studies but after Joshua mentions how he's got a nice voice, he begins to experiment with the idea of writing music. We also see the two try to make sense of Joshua's sudden interest in human free will, and thanks to a friend(?) of Joshua's, they locate someone interesting: a fallen Angel. He explains that when an Angel falls from Grace and obtain free will, they become human and receive all the pros and cons that come with it. However, it's not an easy thing for an Angel to do; physically and morally. Also fun fact: fallen angels can see other angels, all the time.

Regardless, Neku starts catching feelings for Joshua and the Angel finds himself mentally struggling to make sense of human attraction. It's like an itch he can never reach, much less scratch. Frustrated and unable to get through Joshua's hard shell (or understand his motives), Neku leaves Shibuya without resolution with Josh.

Joshua is an Angel assigned to Shibuya, and thus unable to leave to look for Neku. The time apart does something to him, and he feels what he believes is loneliness. Or heartache? Whatever it is, the thought of never seeing Neku again is horrifying. He does the unthinkable and Falls. When he wakes up, everything hurts. Hurts. He bleeds, his stomach turns from hunger, his eyes ache and tears stream down his face. But he's...happy. He feels exuberant joy. Joshua travels across the boundaries of his world, exits Shibuya and follows Neku's trail.

Neku answers the door to a rain-soaked, ripped clothing, feet bleeding, wide grin now-human, Joshua. He has little time to process the scene before him, before Joshua word vomits all these new sensations he's been having and confesses his feelings for Neku. How else can Neku respond but with a kiss (now that they can physically touch each other) and they spend the night together.

Neku later explains that he needed some alone time to think, so he cashed in a favor. He left to take a break, but then took the opportunity to make lemonade, so to speak. Neku used a friend's recording studio outside the city to write a song and record it. Upon hearing it, Joshua was brought to tears. It was beautifully melancholic, but hopeful. It suited Neku.

A few days on and the couple is relishing this time together... but disaster inevitably arrives. Neku leaves on a bike to retrieve some groceries, leaving Joshua behind with a "Be right back." Only minutes later does Joshua feel anxiety grip him and he knows something bad has happened. He runs the road that Neku took, finding the young man in the street, having been in a traffic accident. Neku mumbles something about a beautiful light, then dies in Joshua's arms.

The days both drag on and fly by as Joshua tries to now live as a human without the person he wanted to be human with. Despite it all, Neku had met good people and they help Joshua through his turmoil. Eventually, Joshua decides to release Neku's song to the world and it grips anyone who hears it. His life is lost, but his voice will live on and fill his (and others) world with music.

Congrats on making it this far please enjoy this [your favorite donut]

[zenkindoflove]

I've been thinking about a comment I've seen thrown around in the great "whose book is next?" debate, which is "we don't know enough about Elain yet."

I wouldn't say I'm confused as to why people say this. I know it's because for many people, Elain is easily forgotten and purposely ignored because of her character archetype. Especially in fantasy, female characters who are more soft spoken, traditionally feminine, and have a penchant for following social norms or being generally agreeable as a way to get by in the world are often pushed to the side. You see it not only in how other characters act towards them but also how readers value them. We specifically see Rhys and Feyre actively choose to put Nesta's needs (and ultimately her story) before Elain's by focusing on "one sister at a time" which is explained by Nesta being the squeakier wheel.

But let's take a moment to understand what we have seen of Elain's journey so far.

We have seen Elain: live in poverty, witness her sister's kidnapping, mentally manipulated by fae magic to forget, see her family return to riches, have to navigate high society again, find a fiance and become betrothed, host queens in her home to help her Fae sister which she hides from her betrothed, kidnapped, made into a Fae against her will, have a mating bond snap with someone who isn't her fiance, grapple with becoming fae, learning the nature of her new powers, mourn the separation with her love, processing that she has a mating bond to another, receive visions of a powerful death god, try to get back her fiance and is horribly dumped, kidnapped again, present in a battle, killing the King of Hybern to protect her sister, losijg her father,process some more her trauma of losing her human life and grieving her father, trying to fit in with her new family and her new life, insisting she wants to help the NC and to learn more about her powers, pursue a crush and be rejected... Again, grapple with the codependent relationship she has with Nesta both in setting boundaries and trying to heal, reconnect with her sister Feyre, and witness her sister die and be resurrected in childbirth.

To me, that spells out quite a character journey of experiencing trauma of many types, overcoming adversity, and trying to find her identity and place in the world.

What is most important is on all three of those counts we have seen the start of this process but we haven't delved deep or had any resolution. And more specifically, because these are romances, we haven't seen how Elain will grow and make sense of her mating bond that she feels a lot of reluctance towards. I point all of this out because there is a lot of tension in Elain's narrative. There are several unresolved plots and actions that have happened to her character that we are sitting and wondering what she is going to do and what she thinks of all of these things.

I just don't think the statement that "we don't know enough about Elain yet" for her to have the next book is a valid argument to make when you actually sit down and take the energy to see Elain. To focus on what her specific experience has been so far in the books.

Her story is geared up and ready to go. Specifically her story with Lucien. And this is leaving out how connected she is to the overall fantasy plots because the bigger point I wanted to make is that as a character, Elain already has a lot to her story and even more to explore. She is more than geared up to be a FMC.

I know especially with the ship war it's easy to get caught up in rooting for what we want to see happen. But at the end of the day, this is a character we've known since the first novel, who has been integral to many parts of the story and directly affected by what has happened in the story. So the entire attitude that it's preposterous to think Elain is ready for her own book is really just doing what everyone else in her life does to her - underestimate her. And I can't wait for people to see how much they have misjudged and ignored her.

[cheemscakecat]

Emesis Blue Soldier’s Nightmare

So I’ve theorized that Emesis Blue was a shared nightmare, but I’ve neglected to talk about poor Solly in detail until now. I’ve mentioned what I think his nightmare was about, but not with evidence and important details.

TW: Angst, death, Soldier’s hypothetical trauma. [War is Hell for a reason]

So here’s what I think Soldier was afraid of, and why.

#1: Bad leadership

Unlike our boy RED Soldier, who was never allowed to join the military, BLU served in WWII. He’s an actual veteran that served in the army, not the Navy.

The American army that stormed Omaha beach had to make their way across Europe, and trench warfare was employed.

So we know Solly wasn’t lying/implanted with a false memory about military service.

That being said, a soldier is right to be afraid of bad leadership. If you have someone who cares more about the end goal than the men under him, or is too incompetent to come up with a good strategy, soldiers die. More than needed to, and the worst is when the leader is convinced he’s smarter than the people who have to follow his command.

He got chewed out in the sewer via grown man tantrum and blamed for literally everything that went wrong to that point. Even though Spy is arguably the one at fault for 85% of the bad plays.

And every time Solly does something really competent, that should show Spy that he’s a valuable, loyal teammate? It doesn’t matter. It falls on deaf ears and he’s still considered stupid, useless, and cowardly.

It never mattered how well Soldier did, Spy wasn’t going to respect it. And you never want a person like that leading other people to their deaths.

That being said, if Spy is afraid of becoming the worst version of himself like I theorize, then that would mean he was left open to serving the role of bad leader in Solly’s nightmare. They amplified each others fears and didn’t know it.

#2: America was never “the good guy”

The Tf2 comic takes place in 1972, and I place the shared nightmare after the unknown resolution to the 7th issue. That means the Vietnam war is still going on and being televised.

WWII was an anomaly of a war: there was a clear good side and bad side. In a lot of conflicts, both sides do terrible things at a pretty much equal rate, and the whole thing started over power or land disputes. WWII Germany was an anomaly in that it was clearly an evil power, and everyone could root for the other side.

And then it was followed up by the Cold War, and smaller proxy wars like Vietnam. It was televised, and the people of the USA saw in real time that the government was lying to them, that they weren’t “the good guys”. The grisly footage did not add up with the lies spread by the US government. The American soldiers of that war returned defeated and hated by their own civilian population.

It’s three years before the end of the war. BLU Scout may well have joined the mercenary team to avoid service in Vietnam instead of going to Canada.

Maybe Soldier didn’t feel ready to hang up his helmet, and wanted to at least know what he was getting himself into. BLU and RED don’t pretend to be fighting for a good cause, you get money for fighting some other guys so you can respawn and do it all over again.

It’s better to use a rocket launcher on a random RED merc who’ll be alive in an hour than to do what the American army was commanded to do in Vietnam. To civilians. Which was then televised and wised up the public about the truth. To this day, Americans don’t trust the government like they did pre-Cold War. You’re telling me Soldier wasn’t one of them?

Solly is a WWII veteran. He’s pretty likely to try to keep up with what’s happening in the Cold War. Watching that footage made him doubt that America was ever “the good guy”. That he and his fallen friends were ever really heroes.

This other soldier could be one of the fallen WWII friends from Doe’s Platoon, but I thought of another possibility. He’s a German soldier that our guy killed, wearing the American uniform. Because that death would be permanent, and if America was never really good, they’d have a lot more in common than Solly used to think.

Either explanation would explain why Jane keeps freezing up every time he sees the guy. But the fact that he befriended an enemy Demoman and the elongated Scout situation could both give credit to the German theory.

Demoman represented the fact that sometimes the enemy is not really an enemy, and you could have been friends under different circumstances. Elongated Scout represented the fact that war is kill or be killed, and sometimes you have to trade an enemy’s life for your own. Even if you really don’t want to. Everything was warped and staticky when the Elongated Scout was alive and chasing Soldier, and went clear again the second he was gone.

He also died twice to head wounds. The other soldier in American uniform had empty bleeding eye sockets. Soldier might have shot the German in both of his eyes during the war, and now he can’t forget the man’s face. Because at the end of the day, that guy was still a person, and they might have even gotten along if they’d been on the same side. [An actual story from a WWII veteran along the same lines of what I think Em Blue Soldier is dealing with]

#3: Russian Red Army

Stalingrad coming back over and over, scarier and colder each time could be the manifestation of Soldier’s feelings about Russians. In WWII, they were allies and in the Cold War both countries were using bloody proxy wars to try and avoid the nuclear option. But the Red army was brutal, and Soldier would know that from his time on the warfront.

The Germans tried to push their way into Russia to conquer it, committing unspeakable crimes on the way. The Red army pushed back and committed revenge crimes on their way to take Berlin. You can see why an American would be scared of what Russians are capable of.

That’s why by the end of the movie, Stalingrad is burnt and still trying to get revenge on Soldier. RED Heavy is anti-communist, but we have no idea what BLU Heavy believes. If he is a pro-Russia Communist, it would explain why Spy and Soldier planted him as a traitor in the early scenes of Emesis.

I think Soldier knowing firsthand how the Russian troops act would explain why he distrusts them while still questioning America’s honor. He got to see more of them because they weren’t shooting at each other during his war, unlike the German soldiers he had to kill. I think he also knows why America was the country that German POWs wanted to be sent to, and Russia was the absolute worst option for them.

[fangsandfeels]

It's probably a very unpopular opinion, but initially, I liked Wulbren when I encountered him in the game. And how couldn't I? The lad greets us with an escape plan up his sleeve and that plan includes breaking the tieflings out! A true blessing for any Tav who never intended to cooperate with the Absolute and got a headache from thinking how they would get out all of the prisoners. What Wulbren did was badass and spoke a lot about his principles and priorities.

Now, a less-then-lukewarm reunion with Barcus was something I expected because nothing could be that easy, and from what we've seen, Philomena too abandoned her girlfriend for The Idea without even bothering to break up with her. So, at that point, I had a reason to suspect that either Wulbren was a dick or he tried to keep Barcus away from whatever he was brewing so he won't get caught in the fallout (he has a propensity for getting himself in trouble, after all).

But come Act 3...

...and Wulbren is presented as an irrational, vengeful prick who refuses to look deeper into the matter. We can follow his vision and blow up the Steel Foundry without looking into it, inadvertently causing more destruction, or going against him.

However, after what I learned thanks to @y-rhywbeth2 here (hope you don't mind me tagging you) is that the reason for Wulbren's innate distaste for Gondians may lie even deeper than "they worked with the tyrant, they must pay".

Wulbren's clan follows Gaerdal Ironhand, the lawful good gnome deity. His followers are militaristic and devoted, committed to protecting the gnome community and dealing with internal and external threats.

The best defense is unswerving vigilance. Serve Gaerdal with absolute dedication and devotion. Defend and protect gnome communities against all invaders both obvious and hidden. Never cease to hone the skills of war, and take the opportunity of relative peace to pass such talents on to gnomes at large.

While Gond isn't mentioned as Gaerdal's adversary, their dogmas contradict each other. Despite being a patron of inventors and craftsmen, Gond is so dedicated to creating inventions ("wonders") and spreading them that he has no concern for safety or consequence. Gond also welcomes all alignments and approves of his followers forcing their way into power, subtly controlling leaders and destroying any opposition, so they could promote their inventions and creations. Accumulation of power and personal wealth is smiled upon.

So, Gaerdal Ironhand is all about caring for the community and taking any measures necessary to protect it - even if such threat comes from fellow gnomes, Gaedral's followers are supposed to undertake the grim duty of being the judges and doing what's necessary. If Wulbren is a dedicated follower of Gaedral, it's understandable why he has so much contempt for the Gondians: they are careless, irresponsible, so obsessed with the "can it be done?" they forget about "should it be done?" - and look at where it got them. Play stupid games, and win stupid prizes.

Of course, he would take any accusations of being too harsh as an insult - especially given that he literally lost his fellow clanspeople to protect the city.

Given all that, I wish there could have been a more complex resolution. Showing Wulbren the door minimizes the fact that he wasn't just obsessed with killing the Gondians, but also was ready to die for his people (he didn't expect anyone to save him and he was planning on saving himself and others). He organized a guerilla movement that was effective enough for Gortash to put him on the Wanted list. If Gondians started working with Gortash of their own volition (I didn't explore the game enough to find any tangible proof or content that debunks this theory), but then found themselves shackled and enslaved, that would add to his bitterness. Being treated as a local madman for fighting the threat everybody else is idiotically blind to tooth and nail affects you. Heavily. Bitterness and spite become part and parcel of your struggle and when someone tries to tell you you're being unreasonable or not kind, you snap at them - what do they know?

Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that Wulbren and Barcus should kiss and make up.

But having the option to point out to Wulbren that Barcus has been actually upholding Ironhand's ideals all this time and went to great lengths to do the right thing; make him finally acknowledge and respect his friend would have been nice.

Also, by admitting that Barcus was right, Wulbren could have seen where he was wrong or unable to see things differently - which would have prompted him to put his trust in Barcus even if he still instinctually wants to oppose and cuss him out for being so naively tolerant.

Because, I think Barcus deserves some recognition from Wulbren - even if they don't remain friends, going simply to colleagues (mostly because Barcus decides he did enough and it's time for him to stop running after Wulbren, especially now that he is safe). And also, because the entire Ironhand clan story needs more polishing, given that its premise in Act 1-2 was so interesting.

[zairene]

WELCOME TO THE PARTY. osamu dazai

* ˚ ✦ synopsis: you’ve perished and after being in a limitless abyss that seemed to have no end, you found yourself having a conversation with the underground’s grim reaper.

* ˚ ✦ genre: fic, 1k count !

* ˚ ✦ author’s note: this is honestly a really good prologue for a series.

after becoming a victim of reality’s corrupt fate of death, you were surprisingly calm. were you satisfied when you died? obviously not. dying young meant leaving everyone and everything you had ever loved behind and it was definitely a hard pill to swallow. however, you just knew it was coming. you were free of the pain you were constantly having to endure when living, and now that it has stopped, you finally achieved a level of peace you haven’t experienced before.

you had been suffering from a terminal illness, when doctors immediately diagnosed you and relayed the news that you were slowly dying, you didn’t know how to feel. seeing the tears of your loved ones did not help your conflicted emotions, they were handling it worse than you and you were the one dying. so when it came to the day you were expected to die, you were just ready for life to take you away and put you in whatever situation that lay for you in the afterlife.

and here you are now, walking in this abyss-like place where nothing but the color black was in your vision. you didn’t know how long you were walking or where you were heading towards—hell you could’ve been walking in circles this entire time—but you didn’t feel any sort of fatigue or have any sense of time. being dead was a lot more dull than you assumed it to be. either way, you had no choice.

“well hello there.”

a deep smooth voice called from behind you. you turned around to see a figure with a tall and lanky physique, his bandaged hands held an enormous scythe. is he here to finish me off? that was your initial thought when you saw the being. he soon lifted his hoodie to reveal his face. his eyes were a piercing black to the point where a simple stare could make any regular person think he could see their soul. in this case, he probably could.

his wavy brown hair was layered, but his hair in the back reached the nape of his neck. even for being dead, it looked like he took care of it quite well, you were kinda impressed. his smile was oddly soothing, but you could tell there were many tales to be told behind it.

“are you just here to tell me i’m dead? i think i’m aware.” you said.

“no, no darling. actually, you’re not dead. not yet anyways.” he saunters closer to you. “this is the void.”

“the what?”

“the void.” he raises his hand that is holding his scythe and places it behind him to lean on. you are stunned by the fact that thing could handle his entire body weight. “a place between life and death where i make your journey into the afterlife somewhat easier, to put it into simpler terms, i guess.” he paused, taking a look at you. his expression changed. “you poor thing, you look awfully young. i take it you haven’t handled the news well, hm?”

“yeah, dying young wasn’t really a part of my resolutions for the new year but here i am. and i handled it just fine, thank you.” you were not about to have him treat you like some charity case similar to anybody else that has met their end here. he smirks. “sassy one, aren’t ya?”

“if being sassy means i won’t put up with pity, then i might be the sassiest of them all.” you retorted.

“point taken.” he puts his hands up in defense. “here, walk with me. unless you wanna be here forever, then be my guest.” he walks past you, and you follow shortly not interested in the idea of being lost for the rest of eternity.

“i’m your friendly neighborhood grim reaper, and yes, just like the forms of entertainment the humans like to indulge in.” he says disgustingly. you noticed his disdain for mortal activities but you weren’t bothered to ask.

“so you’re here to take my soul?”

“incorrect and that’s honestly boring. think of the opportunity that lies ahead of you as a second life.”

“a second life?” you were intrigued.

“yes. a better version of humanity, that’s what many have said at least.”

“oh really? what makes them say that?”

“my, you are filled with questions. as expected but i’m afraid i can’t answer them all as i am a very busy man.” you rolled your eyes. “however, you can refer to our consultant at the underground once our conversation here is finished.”

he held his finger up. “and before you ask, i’ll explain.” you closed your mouth since you were gonna ask another question.

“the underground is the place you go to once you’re officially dead—i feel that part was obvious but it’s part of the speech i give everyone—a wonderland filled with people who are also in your situation. dead and confused. some have resided there longer than others, so they know their way around the place, but for people like you,” he points at you. “it’s a redemption of sorts. to live your life eternally without the fear it may end due to unfathomable circumstances or stupid things like old age.”

“so you’re saying that i’m living life again but infinitely and with no consequences?”

“correct! you’re a natural.” he continues. “but this doesn’t exclude you from having responsibilities of course. we all have jobs here and you still have to play your part, alive or not. now, are you ready?”

“yeah, sure.” you weren’t. you were still very hesitant about the whole thing but you didn’t want to continue to bombard the guy with questions. “well then,” after those words a red portal appeared in front of the both of you. you looked at the man’s face and he gave you another smile. “welcome to the party.”

and before you could even comprehend what he told you, you were pushed into the portal, unaware of where it would take you specifically but you most certainly had an idea.

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