#being perceived is one of my biggest anxiety triggers

[klara-rosa]

on all levels except physical I am a clown 🤡🤡🤡

[rabbithaver]

i finally decided to actually write out some of my major headcanons for Silver. i like him a lot as a character and i think people overlook him too much lmao

I genuinely believe that Silver has been decoupled from the timeline completely. This means that changes to the future made in the present do not affect him. He may not remember the specific events of 06, but he absolutely remembers growing up in an apocalypse and frequently has lines that support this in the comics. Him being unaffected by changes to the timeline explains why his personal history has not changed, despite the future being saved multiple times. ALSO, Ian Flynn has confirmed that Silver is not in control of when or how he travels through time -- I believe that whatever or whoever is sending him back and forth is the same thing that separated him from the timeline.

Silver is deaf, pushing about 70% hearing loss. It's not congenital -- his hearing sucks because he's from a timeline where things blew up constantly and he had no hearing protection. He relies mostly on lip-reading and guesswork, but wants to learn ASL when he gets a chance... if he gets the chance. Time is wibbly-wobbly for him. (I should note that this one is personal to me -- I myself am HoH due to otosclerosis and I'm definitely projecting my declining hearing on him lmao)

I know Silver is canonically the exact same height and weight as Shadow and Silver, but I personally don't find that very... likely. All three of these dudes are 3'3" and 77lbs EXACTLY? Nah. Shadow and Sonic, maybe, but not Silver. I headcanon Silver as being smaller and lighter than the other hedgehogs because he grew up in a timeline where food was hard to find, and thus didn't grow as much. He's very scrawny and basically has almost no meat on his bones, but you'd never guess because he's got The Fluff.

Elaborating on the food thing: his relationship with eating is probably totally screwed. Think about it: he spent his whole youth eating whatever he could get his hands on, and he probably had to eat as quickly as he could so he could stay on the move. The idea of eating to enjoy the flavor is like, completely alien to him. He also tends to stash food away for later, as he's not used to knowing when his next meal will be. He does it entirely out of habit, even when food is abundant.

Silver's immune system probably sucks. Every time he goes back to the past, he catches some illness. This is largely because he's not used to the pathogens 200 years earlier, but I also like to imagine this is because he's got some sort of autoimmune disorder.

You cannot tell me this boy does not have asthma. I am aware that this is kind of a fandom in-joke, but it makes total sense. If he grew up in a world of smoke and flames, his lungs probably look like burnt toast. Someone get him an inhaler please.

Silver has PTSD and severe anxiety, both due to his personal history growing up in a hellscape and also because repeatedly going back to the future to find his time in disarray due to events in the present is probably traumatic as all hell. His biggest trigger is most likely building collapse, but I can't imagine he doesn't have kind of a hard time with explosions after the Eggman War. His cheerful optimism and helpful attitude is his effort to deflect from his trauma.

Expanding on the anxiety thing; Silver struggles when he doesn't have something to do. We actually see this in canon in the 2022 Annual story "Future Growth." He has no idea how to function when he doesn't have a mission to focus on. Being in the past with no clear directive is insanely triggering for him and he totally fails to cope.

While I'm talking about his mental illnesses, I want to make it explicitly clear: he is REALLY good at hiding this stuff. His friends in the Resistance/Restoration don't find out about his issues for years, and this is specifically because he instinctually hides anything that could be perceived as a weakness. He's been conditioned to hide any and all weaknesses because it was the only way to survive in the post-apocalypse. Being visibly affected by your trauma is a quick and easy way to get dead, so he simply... doesn't. This kid cannot stop masking his trauma at all until he's literally at his breaking point.

There is no way he doesn't have intense Survivors' Guilt. Going back to the Metal Virus arc in the comics, he's the only survivor of a shuttle crash in Issue #25. All of those people died. They actually died - if they were zombots, they would've survived that crash, but because they were still healthy, they didn't have the ability to recover. Silver probably feels that because he was trying so hard to get survivors to the shuttle, he led those people to their deaths. I specifically am pointing to his dialogue here as evidence of this:

He probably dreads going back to the future. Like, think about it. He's admitted to being lonely (IDW #8) in his own time -- probably because his history separates him from the average person! The only friends he really has are in the past, the vast majority of whom are likely long dead by the time he's born. And while his friends are always happy to see him, I can imagine he has a lot of anxiety thinking about the fact that they inevitably start to associate his arrival with something bad coming down the line. That's rough, buddy.

He's very proud of his ruff and he takes really good care of it. It's super thick and very soft. However, when he's having a rough time, he's not as thorough, and it tends to show. If you know him really well, you can get an idea of his current mental health just by looking at the state of his chest fur. A happy Silver is fluffy, a struggling Silver looks like he was left in the washing machine.

Silver has a really hard time with media that involves apocalyptic worlds. He knows that it's just fiction, but it reminds him of the fact that he's the only one who remembers the apocalyptic hellscape he grew up in. It reminds him that as much as his friends want to support him, they can't truly understand what he's been through; his background is only real to him. It just leaves him feeling lonely and sad, so he avoids it as much as possible.

Silver doesn't sleep well in real beds. Maybe it's just a lifetime of growing up surrounded by an apocalypse, but he has a really hard time getting comfortable in a real bed. For months during the Eggman War, he'd spend hours tossing and turning before finally giving up and curling up on the floor in a corner. It's just not what he's used to at all.

anyway i think about him a normal amount :)

[peachdoxie]

I don't think I ever really processed the trauma I went through in OCD treatment and reblogging that comic about OCD the other day really triggered me and arghhhhhhh I don't know what to do about it. Thoughts I guess.

The main thing is like, any time I would express doubts that I actually have OCD, my therapist (who specialized in OCD) would tell me that doubting that I have OCD is actually a very common symptom of OCD, and it felt like he refused to actually listen to my doubts when I was like "my avoidance happens because there's some block in my brain that I can't get past and it's not rooted in anxiety."

Like, because he thought I had OCD that meant that any thought or behavior I expressed automatically was because of OCD and not like, adhd, autism, fibromyalgia, sensory processing disorder, etc. It felt like my only options were to agree with him (which I didn't want to do because I don't!) or continue arguing and therefore just confirm what he already thought.

And like honestly it made me almost question my sense of reality when I was like "I'm avoiding this thing because I'm worried the physical exertion will trigger an asthma attack or tachycardia event or fibromyalgia flare up or migraine" and he'd be like "but what if it doesn't and you're fine?" and I was like "I can't take that risk because of how long it takes me to recover from these health issues" then he'd say "OCD treatment is about learning that you can and have to work through discomfort and, yes, even pain" and honestly if not for the fact that I have a strong sense of self and years of experience to back this up, I might have started to doubt that my health issues were really as bad (even though they are!) as I was perceiving them.

Like one exercise I had to do was increase my anxiety (to show myself that I can handle anxiety) by hyperventilating through a coffee stirrer for a set number of seconds, and I was supposed to do it even if I was going to black out but when I said I felt like that was too risky for me because of the aforementioned health issues (the tachycardia especially) he just kept trying to convince me to do it even though I kept saying I don't think I should!

And he kept suggesting things to convince me to do tasks, like if I don't do xyz by our next appointment I have to donate ALL of my savings to a political cause I disagree with, and I was like "that just creates more anxiety for me because I genuinely do not think I can do this thing because my brain won't let me!" That was the last session I saw him because I cancelled after that.

Honestly I think the main reasons OCD therapy was so traumatic for me were 1) I constantly felt invalidated when I expressed concerns and 2) I was being misinterpreted by someone who refused to listen to me. That second one is something that actually really bothers me a lot and some of the biggest falling outs I've had with friends in high school were when they misinterpreted something I said as malicious and used it against me. But the invalidation of my concerns goes right along with it.

The thing is too the part of me that does have perseverance and anxiety—not the logical side of me, that is—still worries that maybe he was right all along and I do have OCD and all of my problems are just because I don't think I can do something so I don't, even though my logical brain can point to all of the evidence contrary to that worry.

Like yeah, I do have intrusive thoughts that cause my anxiety, but I'm pretty good at handling them. And my avoidance is based in past experience of "if I trigger one of my health issues by doing one of these specific things that have triggered them in the past, it will make the rest of my week very difficult as I struggle to recover and play catch-up." It's like, what anxiety I have is most often based in very real, very tangible worries—and even now, I'm struggling not to start spiraling about it, so I'll stop before I get there.

Tbh the only good thing to come out of those six months of hell was the conclusion that the vast majority of my problems aren't caused by anxiety and that there is something else going on, whether it's autism, adhd, fibromyalgia, or whatever. I'm not sure it outweighs the trauma, but hey I learned something I guess.

Tbh I try not to be too pissed at myself for seeking OCD treatment in the first place and basically wasting my leave of absence by making minimal progress. I decided to listen to the therapist who diagnosed me (different from the OCD treatment therapist) instead of going with my idea of seeking help from an autism/adhd therapist, because I tend to defer to authorities on things like that—though I will say, the negativity and fearmongering on Tumblr around getting autism/adhd diagnoses certainly didn't help.

I think overall it's frustrating because I will never get closure with the OCD therapist. He will always have misinterpreted me and refused to listen to me, and I'll just have to live with that.

It's also frustrating because I don't think either therapist necessarily did anything wrong, per se, since they were looking at what evidence they had from their experience in their fields, which certainly biased them—and they both admitted to me that they don't know much about autism or adhd, and I should have taken that as a yellow flag and bailed sooner—and I'm going to shut up because the spiral is starting again.

Anyway if you read all this, thanks I guess. I'm mostly just train of thought writing to get the thoughts out of my head (perseveration is a symptom of OCD but also of adhd/autism and I need to keep reminding myself that). Please don't give me advice or suggest I reach out to either therapist please. Compassion only.

Please also don't try to convince me that I do have OCD because I don't need someone encouraging my anxiety spiral.

[b-lessings]

We’ve been mutuals for a long time so I remember your occasional mentions about therapy and healing, which actually played a role in prompting me to try and understand my own trauma I was in denial of for a very long time and starting my journey towards getting better I guess. I’m still really struggling with my anxiety, have been for a really long time, sometimes the triggers are too overwhelming and feels like therapy and trauma work only make me understand enough to want to run away again, due to how much my body reacts in social settings, or at the thought of how out of control everything is in my brain. Can I ask, perhaps in vague terms, what was your journey like in the beginning? Does the anxiety ever start to lessen in intensity? Do you ever get to the point where you can process your trauma enough to finally face the reality of it’s remnants in people and places? How long does it take till you begin to seek happiness instead of the vicious internal destruction? How (if at all) does the dynamics of your healing journey change when you let another person you love into your life?

By the end of (reading) this ask I was like ouuff 😮‍💨 that's heavy😅

Salam my dear, I appreciate you sending this ask, I see your courage and your will to get better and get a bit of control over your life, and that's only a sign of strength and bravery, I am proud of you 🤍

Now, I am not sure if I am gonna answer all your points or get carried away by my own thoughts but let me give it a try.

First of all, from personal experience (obviously all my answers will be based on that) I don't think anxiety is something we can totally heal from or get rid of, it is not a feature we can deactivate, and do not take this the wrong way, I will explain later, but with therapy we learn to cope with our anxiety, we learn to make peace with it, and live with it in the most cooperative non-impeding ways.

One of the most memorable sayings that my therapist told me so early on in my journey is that her and my anxiety are both trying to do the same thing: protect me, they are not working against each other, they would actually work together (if my anxiety wouldn't be so stubborn lol).

Anxiety is in simple terms or at a very primal level a reaction to a trigger, you brain detects something that it deems wrong or dangerous and it alerts your body - there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, as human beings we relied on that trigger-response for God knows how many thousands of years to survive and get to this point in history. But then anxiety is perceived as a problem once it becomes a disability, in the sense that it would prevent the person from going on about their day normally.

Now what happened is that I lived like 27 or 28 years of my life not even realizing I had anxiety. I would hear people talk about it all the time and it never clicked, for me not even once that hey that's what I have! Until my therapist said the word. And I was like " anxiety? Me? Noway! I am an extrovert, I have a lot of friends, I am not scared of crowds, I love trying new things and living new experiences blah blah blah" but I had no idea that I had actually been repressing it all in for all those years.

So after the acceptance, the second phase was that anxiety took over my life! I had become fully afraid of everything and I just retrieved to myself. Everything was emphasized. I sorta kinda cut off people and stopped going after things and experiences blah blah .. I remember telling my therapist, since the day I was faced with the diagnosis, seems like anxiety is all that I am! I want to get my old self back, I want to get my life back! Anxiety stole my life! It was painful, it was uncomfortable and it was also my excuse for everything..

But then, one of the biggest turning-points in my therapy journey was when I decided to love my anxiety, and understand it better, understand that it does not want to do me any harm but actually protect me, so I became more aware inward and outward, I became very attentive to the changes and the signs my body gives me, you can catch me whispering " what is it babygirl, what's wrong? " as soon as I feel that stomach ache, lol. I honestly do talk to it, I can proudly say I befriended it and that's how I managed to get on its good sign and take control of my life back.

Now I even anticipate it. I sorta know my triggers, so I can te that I will have an episode, I have learned a few techniques on how to calm myself down or distract my mind, sometimes when it is intense I would allow myself a day off or even an hour off just to myself to do something that brings me comfort, I journal a lot, I analyze my thoughts and whatnot.. and that's what therapy is good for, it equips you with tools to cope with the issue at hand. And yes, that's how it lessens in its intensity like you said. That's how you gain back control over your life. That's how you get closer to feeling and achieving peace, because listen boo, we are not looking for happiness, the goal is actually peace. Happiness is only a moment in time, it's fleeing, it's just an instant. Inner peace and mental peace is what lasts.

I can't tell you how much time it takes because every journey is personal and different, to each of us their path, and relapses do happen, setbacks do happen, after all we are only human, and especially for us girls, the hormonal imbalance is a nightmare and it does affect our psyche.. there is also life events always happening and affecting our mental health.. but the most important part is that you never stop, never give up, you keep walking your path of healing and you keep asking for help! I always say that the keys to having a good experience with therapy are the 3Ps: perseverance, patience and practice!

I have been in therapy for I think 3 years next month, and proudly I can say we don't have the scheduled regular sessions, I do not need them anymore, Alhamdullillah, now it is basically only in cases of emergency like if something really intense happens, other than that, Alhamdullillah I am capable of managing my anxiety attacks, which are neither that frequent not that intense anymore, Alhamdullillah.

P.s. I did not mention trauma because tbh with my therapist we haven't been working on that. And I am well-aware of how sensitive and different our traumatic experiences are, so I chose to sit this one out.

Anyways, I hope I managed to answer your questions or at least bring you some hope! And again, I am very proud of you, I know how gard and tricky it gets but I promise you it gets better, so keep going 🤍

[sadieshavingsex]

purity culture is so funny

because of the way it makes literally everything about sex. It's like a flowchart where the answer to every single query returns sex.

What is good? Sex. What is bad? Sex. What is a natural human function? Sex. What needs to be controlled at all costs? Sex. What would make me happier than anything? Sex. What is ruining things in my life? Sex.

I only really noticed the power of this conceptualization when I started to actually experience sex. Turns out that avoiding it is just the tip of the iceberg. When you start having it after swearing it off for so long... that's where things really get interesting.

I've realized that, for me, while sex can trigger my anxiety, it also works the opposite way, with my anxiety often pivoting any nervous thought toward sex for seemingly no reason. As a result, sex begins to infiltrate all kinds of serious conversations where it might not even actually be relevant. Read on for some thoughts on the ways anxiety and sex influence each other in an exvangelical life.

ps: to be perfectly honest, I'm no expert and I'm not a therapist. I write these mostly to keep myself sane, so please take my musings with a grain of salt.

Let's start with the obvious. When I first got into a sexual relationship, there was the classic thought loop: I'm anxious or something is going wrong in the relationship. The only difference between now and the past is that I'm having sex. Therefore, the sex must be the underlying problem. Even if I can't pinpoint how sex is related to the actual anxiety or the relational issue occurring, it's definitely the variable that has changed, and it's causing the problem.

This kind of thinking is so funny because of course it reinforces and heightens the anxiety around sex that is already present in purity culture. There's an obvious neural pathway being worn here. Sex is understood as something exceptionally special and unique, never before experienced, a total gamechanger that already makes a person nervous, and that game changer begins to get perceived in an increasingly negative way. A person starts to think things like, "If I'm anxious about sex, it must be worth being anxious about. The things I was taught were true. Sex is extremely important. It has a hold over me and makes me act in irrational ways that I don't understand. It is also obviously very frightening and negative if not experienced in exactly the right way. Maybe I am doing it wrong. Maybe I am not ready for this huge responsibility." And on and on. Not only does purity culture accomplish the heightening of anxiety around having sex, but it also very easily creates a link between anxiety and sex; rather than just "I get anxious about sex," there becomes an association where "If I am anxious at all, it must be about sex" and "If I am having sex, it must make me anxious."

This ever-strengthening link between anxiety and sex, along with the purity culture messaging that sex is the most important "gift" a person can give their partner, created for me another difficult thought pattern: Whenever I got into a serious argument with my partner, no matter what the discussion was actually about, I would find myself sooner or later resorting to the same core thought. "I love them, but we should probably stop having sex. I'm giving them everything! Sex is the biggest thing I have to give. It's the most committed I can get. Am I really okay with allowing myself to have sex with a person who _________?"

The actual argument was often about commitment levels and working through barriers to a long term relationship. It might have been about one of us not being able to effectively communicate or meet the other's needs, or it might be about some more specific tiff that we were having at the moment. Nonetheless, the content of the actual argument never felt like the constant. In my own mind, the constant was that we were having sex, the most sacred thing that could not be performed without the utmost commitment or the promise of forever. My own narrative about the situation, no matter what it was, eventually devolved not into "I am frustrated with them because _________" or "I really wish we could change ___________." The narrative I spoke to myself was inherently about sex and the idea that, by having sex, I was giving up too much of myself and committing to this person in too large a way before I should have. The ultimate implication was that I could put up with whatever frustrated me if I thought of myself as a friend or a lover or even a roommate, but I could not tolerate that behavior as a sex partner, because having sex was the most committed we could ever possibly be. It was the most intimate act and I could not believe that I would ever let a normal partner access it with me. I had to save it for someone I was more compatible with or more committed to. I couldn't conceptualize sex as simply a part of most adult relationships; I always devolved into the purity culture attitude that I had to withhold sex until a point of greater commitment.

Oftentimes, the arguments and anxieties were about commitment, but they simply became arguments and anxieties about sex. Sex was synonymous with commitment to me. It was the symbol of the greatest commitment, not something I could do with simply "a loving and committed partner." I had to stop having sex with them because they should be "THE MOST loving and committed partner I WOULD EVER HAVE," or at least believe that future was a possibility. When I got upset about our struggles to commit to each other in other ways, I just transferred that anxiety to stressing about sex and thinking that, by having it, I was "committing too much." I was not working on our actual problems or how to fix them. I was just affirming my own anxieties around sex, repeating the purity culture idea of "the one" back to myself under the guise of "keeping my independence" or "having some self respect and not committing so much."

The ultimate problem with all of these compounding purity culture reinforcers, I think, is that when I step back, I truly believe sex to be the most intimate and committed thing a person can do with me. That's just not the truth, and it's honestly kind of sad to think that I believe this lie.

I love music. I love art. I'm an intellectual person. I enjoy telling stories. I care about educating others on causes that interest and move me. Hell, one of the things I'm passionate about is showing others that beauty standards are silly. There is so much more to me than my body, and I would rather bond with someone over most anything else. The fact that I am so anxious and hold my body in such a high regard, the fact that I sometimes feel fearfully compelled to seek out someone who, over everything, is sexually compatible with me (read: is just as traumatized as me so we don't do anything until marriage), feels so unfair and odd. It simply shouldn't be the case.

I long for a life where I bond with someone over things that are most important to me - fun inside jokes, interesting books, good food, activism, the arts - without the entire relationship crumbling under the weight of my fear of sex. This recurring situation feels like such an unfair predicament.

If I could have a life do-over and be raised in a secular household, my assumption is that I'd be a sex positive person who wanted to have a deep relationship with my partner in so many other, more important ways. I think I would enjoy sex only with people I really deeply loved, but I wouldn't care too much about it. I wouldn't assign so much value to this physical pleasure and connection. I could take it or leave it, but it wouldn't control my life and my view of relationships. As it is now, it feels like the grooves are worn very deep, and I have a very long way to go until anything even remotely like that vision comes true.

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

Hi!

I wanted to ask you for more about your safe word use in fics being an “ick”. Please know that I totally will understand and respect if you don’t want to reply.

I understand your post, and I can agree that most fanfic writers have obviously never been in a dom/sub style partnership, but I disagree that using a safe word means that the writer is writing a bad dom, because it’s definitely not like that in real life.

One thing that books like Fifty Shades fucked up about BDSM is that it’s a partnership - equal trust. A dom pushes their sub, yes, but they aren’t mind readers. The dom has to trust that their sub will say the word they’ve agreed upon if they need to. They aren’t trying to get their sub to say it ever, of course, but it doesn’t make them a bad dom to have it used. (Which yeah, fanfics where they try to get someone to use it? That’s definitely ick)

You said doms should be able to read body language and expressions but just because your body reacts one way, doesn’t mean your mind agrees. Something can feel good, but freak you out. Or something might be agreed upon, and it could start out great, then it triggers something else or the sub is too far into sub space, and it’s better to safe word even if they aren’t technically at a limit. Or hell, the dom can safe word because they are the ones uncomfortable with how something is progressing.

I don’t know, I’m a very large proponent of educating people about healthy sexual relationships and your post confused me, because generally I think you do a good job writing about rarer kinks and healthy communication styles. All a safe word is, is another tool for communication.

Are fanfic writers generally incorrect about how it’s actually supposed to be used? Absolutely. (We can blame the media for glorifying aspects of BDSM but not explaining what it actually means.)

So writing all this to see if you’d be willing to explain a little more. Is it just because of how people write it nowadays? Or is it that you think safe words are a last resort that shouldn’t be used?

Again, will totally understand if you don’t want to reply/answer and I hope I’m not coming across as rude or anything of the sort!! Truly just curious as to how you perceive the whole thing.

-🌕

Okay I disagree with you here and partially agree

My post was about safewording in fanfiction. I fucking hate it as a concept and I feel like safeword fanfics have this particular style and this particular connotation to them. And I fucking hate them.

Safewords irl are a great tool and they are in place for a reason - but having a character use their safeword in fanfiction just gives me anxiety and it ruins the whole fic for me.

So, the two major points:

One: I hate safeword fics and I will always despise them, and I think safewords should stay out of fanfiction. (And if I have to read another fucking fic with the traffic light system, I will blow my brains out.)

Two: I still 100% think that if a sub has to use their safeword in a fic, it is someone writing a bad dom - because doms in real life are not mindreaders, but in fanfiction, the writer can put in all kinds of unconscious communication that is not there. (Writing a bad dom and acting as a bad dom irl are two completely different concepts.)

People in real life don't have 'an entire conversation in a single glance'. But people in fanfiction do. So doms in fics can read from a single twitch in their sub's knee if they are chill or not.

ALSO - my number one biggest gripe with safeword fics in the first place: the author plans the story. The author is essentially god. So WHHYYYYYY as the author, are you, writing and planning a story where someone is uncomfortable enough that they feel the need to safeword out? Why would you not just write a fic where everyone is happy and has great sex?

Even when I write dubcon, I always put stuff in the narration going "and everyone was into it, and everyone was having a great time" - because I want the audience to know that the characters feel comfortable, even if they don't voice it right away (because of stubbornness or other reasons).

"but I disagree that using a safe word means that the writer is writing a bad dom, because it’s definitely not like that in real life."

You're right, it's not like that in real life. Like I said - fanfiction has the advantage of having so much unconscious communication that real life doesn't have - characters in fanfiction can pick up an unrealistic amount of information from a single body language queue just because the author wants them to. And unlike real life, the entire scene and how much they enjoy the kinks, their full reaction to those kinks, can be planned 100% in advance.

If smut writers can plan a public or semi public sex scene where no one actually catches them having sex, even though that would never happen irl, then they can also write a BDSM scene where no one safewords for any reason, even though they sometimes happens irl.

They aren’t trying to get their sub to say it ever, of course, but it doesn’t make them a bad dom to have it used. (Which yeah, fanfics where they try to get someone to use it? That’s definitely ick)

Real doms use the safeword as a tool for communication. But the fanfiction trope is written so differently, and that is why I fucking despise it.

The few safeword fics I read (by accident or on purpose, before I wrote off the entire use of the 'trope') - it seems like all of them are written in mind with the dom trying to get the sub to say their safeword. Like as if it's just another twisted game - obviously written by someone who has never been in a dom/sub relationship before.

But like it is just one form of fanfiction that I find utterly repulsive. Because I have genuinely never seen a fic that's like 'how would this character react if you felt uncomfortable and had to safeword out?' it's always written as 'this character makes you feel so uncomfortable that you have to safeword out and then they comfort you afterwards' and it feels like domestic violence or sexual violence in a relationship.

I have never seen it written well and I think it's just better to write off the whole trope.

In my opinion, people who have never actually been in a dom/sub relationship should just write fics about aftercare - they should write fics about their beloved character taking care of them after the natural end of a session, and not after bullying them into saying the fucking safeword.

I don’t know, I’m a very large proponent of educating people about healthy sexual relationships and your post confused me, because generally I think you do a good job writing about rarer kinks and healthy communication styles. All a safe word is, is another tool for communication.

I agree, people need to know about healthy sexual relationships - and that is why I took the time to write out 'the rules' in Lessons For A Genius, even though I plan to never have Reid use his safeword in the entire fucking series, because I want the reader character to always make him comfortable beforehand so he doesn't need it (and again, because I am the author God, I can say that he doesn't need it).

(And like it is sooo unrealistic to overstimulate someone that much during their first time - but that is the difference between fanfiction and real life!! We can do this shit in fanfiction!)

And I think the reason that I despise safewording in fanfiction so much is because the way I have seen it written is not healthy.

Because it's like 'oh, I'm gonna spank you until you cry and until you are pushed far beyond your limits and you're forced to safeword out' - it's not like 'I am feeling a little anxious and mentally off today. and I thought I wanted sex but it turns out I don't. Safewording out because I wanna cuddle instead please'

And like I know I also have a bias toward this topic because I've been in several sexual relationships, my longest being eight years, and between 4 doms, I have only used my safeword like once. (I don't think I have even used it within the span of the last year.)

And when I did use it, it was because of a medical issue I was experiencing, and not because they pushed me too far or because I wanted to revoke my consent. So I know what a good dom is and it is not 'hey, I'm gonna force you to safeword for my own amusement' or 'oh, we're gonna push your boundaries until you safeword'

Like if (big fat fucking if) I ever wrote a safeword use fic - it would be the character experiencing some kind of medical issue or discomfort due to chronic pain, because that is what I relate to, and that is what I would want to display as a good reason to use your safeword and a real life genuine situation where your dom can comfort you after using it (and I would still probably end the fic with sex, just gentle sex).

But like - I can't stand it as a trope.

It's like how most people's reaction irl to there only being one bed is to sleep on the couch or something, not to fuck your best friend - but fanfiction treats that situation completely differently.

I hate safewording in fanfiction specifically

[mutipede]

SO... this is all pretty simplified and I'm probably making it sound like it ties together more neatly than it really does, since personally I do a ton of double-bookkeeping ("I know that this is not realistically possible but knowing that doesn't prevent a core part of me from still believing it / it sometimes doesn't matter what I know is realistically possible when I'm questioning reality itself") and a ton of attempting to analyze my own thought processes and the possible reasoning behind things - all of that fluctuates, depending on how well I'm doing at a given time, and how much someone wants to trust my self-analysis when I'm using a fucked up brain to do the analysis in the first place hah, but - here's how I think it works for me, and my opinion on how it seems to be treated by others.

It's bad. It's terrifying. The alternative - and one that I had for years without ever actually realizing it was a different flavor of the same thing, because it never caused me any distress or interfered with functioning - is feeling like a zombie. It's like an "if I'm already dead but still sentient, then I don't have to be existentially terrified of the concept of death" (which I recognize could be dangerous for some people, but I've never been that impulsive overall, so lacking fear of death never made me put myself into life threatening situations, it just let me function with less underlying anxiety). Being in that mindset just makes me more comfortable and confident.

Cotards is the biggest one for me. I only relatively recently learned that it seems to have two major forms or presentations - when I'm under extreme stress or depression to the point that it triggers a psychotic episode, I don't feel like I exist. It's hard to explain when I'm not in the middle of it, since I can't fully capture the mindset to put it into words, and I'm pretty sure it'd be just as hard to explain while I am, since I don't know how much sense I would make to someone else at that time, but it's like...

And uhh - probably goes without saying but trigger warning for detailing delusional and suicidal thought process stuff here.

"I don't exist, I never have, my existence is an illusion, possibly because I already died and am in hell (despite not being christian or believing in the christian hell but y'know, delusion doesn't care lol), most people can't even perceive me (like Sixth Sense style) and those who can are either trapped in the same hell as I am, or are only allowed to perceive me in order to make me suffer somehow, and I should probably actually commit suicide since my existence is an illusion that I should attempt to escape"

I'm going to have to deal with one of the two one way or another. It's been a long-standing and consistent enough thing that I can't imagine being rid of it, and I don't think I'd be me without it, even if there were a "cure". In the "I'm a zombie" mindset I got through school, graduated with honors, got a job, have had some of the most genuinely content and happy times in my memory. In the "I don't exist" mindset I am nonfunctional. Seems like a no-brainer to me, which is healthy (comparatively. Healthy enough lol) and which isn't.

And I'm not sure about anyone else, it's definitely possible that others have more of a problem with it than I do, but... some random stranger on the internet isn't going to have THAT big an impact on my mental state. Someone trying to reality check me, whether from a misguided attempt to help or being a dismissive trolling shithead, isn't going to miraculously cure my complex lifelong mental illnesses lol. And inversely, connecting with others who have actually had similar experiences as I have doesn't really feed into harmful delusions or make new ones take hold - it makes me feel less isolated and that is incredibly helpful.

The impression I've gotten from the "you're delusional and that's harmful / dangerous" crowd has honestly been that they seem generally... young, without any psychological background or actual knowledge on how to deal with or help people experiencing severe mental illness - and either genuinely trying to do the right thing but misguided and misinformed, or more often, just wanting to distance themselves from "those crazy people because I'm not like them" but wrap that sentiment in the appearance of benevolence.

It's like people think that suffering from delusion or psychosis is somehow a choice, something that someone can be talked out of, or talk themselves out of, or that experiencing psychotic symptoms makes someone less intelligent - or like some kind of "you sound intelligent and can construct logical sentences and don't look like a psycho in a horror movie therefore you can't be delusional just snap out of it!" or fucking something, I don't know, it's irritating as hell lol. "Delusional" or "psychotic" are just used to dismiss everything someone says entirely, like having these symptoms invalidates everything else in someone's experiences. And "Just get help!" Like it's that easy, or that accessible, or that effective.

Anyways. For people who are genuinely concerned, I understand not knowing how to react or what would be helpful and not wanting to make things worse. I've felt that myself, it's understandable. But I don't think you can go wrong with either being generally supportive if you want to - liking a post, making a generally sympathetic comment, or just not engaging if you're not comfortable. Someone can do that without being dismissive or trying to shut someone out from community and support due to viewing their experiences and by extension them as inherently harmful.

Speaking of which. Alterhumans who experience delusions of any kind, I'd like to know your experiences with them - or at least, if you have any essays or resources you could share, I would like them.

My gut reaction when delusions are brought up as a reason why fiction/otherkin/etc are invalid or harmful is "this... doesn't feel right", but I don't have enough experience or knowledge to say why. In my opinion, I feel like psychotic experiences are treated unfairly in plural and alterhuman spaces. I don't know if this is always the case, it just. Feels like it is a trend. and i dont like it.

[mental-health-advice]

hi so my partner was recently diagnosed w bpd & im at a loss for how to help them. they’re constantly afraid of me leaving them, that i hate them, & that any second we don’t see each other irl is the end of the world. one of their biggest issues lately has been dealing w a change in plans. we recently had to move our plans to 2 days from now bc of scheduling conflicts & no matter how much i reassured them that we would still see each other within the same week, they were inconsolable. they admitted they want to lash out at me but are trying not to, & that in extreme cases they considered killing themselves to “punish” me for changing plans. they have openly acknowledged that this is toxic behavior & they acknowledge that it triggers my ptsd, but it continues to happen. they had an episode like this when i had to move plans to a later time in the same day & were still equally inconsolable. we came up w a compromise where they could still see me today but im worried abt whats gonna happen when we CANT compromise and scheduling just doesn’t allow it. ive tried being empathetic abt the way they perceive stress/abandonment & tried validating their feelings while reminding them that it does affect me negatively, and no amount of reassuring that we’ll see each other eventually will console them. ive also tried encouraging them to get more help than they’re currently getting in therapy but nothing seems to have changed. they’re chronically stressed from all this & i just want them to be stress free & not feel frightened abt being abandoned. i can see how much this affects them, but at the same time i have ptsd, anxiety, & depression & all of these are triggered by my partner’s behavior. i want the both of us to be better, but i want to see them finally be relaxed and not constantly attacked by their own demons. i love them so much & it hurts to see them in pain all the time.

Hey there,

This is a tough situation to be placed in for anyone, despite whether they are struggling with their own mental health issues or not.

It sounds like you are doing all that you can right now in reassuring your friend and trying to the best of your ability to do all you can do to make compromises and try to catch up on the same days but at a different time if at all possible.

You mentioned that your friend is currently in therapy but I am wondering I guess if they are in the right kind of therapy to help treat the symptoms and thoughts surrounding BPD. For example, if they are in general talk therapy (which is also great) but DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which is comprised of 4 different modules that are done in a group setting and one on one weekly therapy sessions is the best kind of therapy for BPD. It can be scary and especially the group settings but it does get easier and if your friend isn’t one to be OK in a group setting then some psychologists are OK with doing DBT one on one for the entire course. So definitely something to think about if they haven’t tried DBT yet.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of symptoms and possible other diagnosis’ medication can also be helpful. So maybe encourage them to see their local doctor or GP and ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist for some more help and support.

I also want to point out that if by chance your friend was to commit suicide, attempt to or want to hurt themselves in anyway, this does not reflect on you in any way. You friend is in control of their own actions and usually if they want to do something bad enough then no amount of talking them out of it can stop them. If you were to see some warning signs though so for example these could be but are not limited to:

Increase in talking about suicide

Putting in place plans

Isolation from people including you

Loss of interest in things

Then I would encourage you to seek some help and support for your friend on their behalf. So for example contacting their local mental health team so they can do a follow up and/ or intervene if needed. Or getting them to the local hospital.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hey! I’ve been struggling with self-typing for a while, but now I’m mostly torn between the IFP types. Am I in the right path? Thanks!

I like to learn “useless” things for fun. You never know when some random knowledge is going to prove itself useful, right?

I don’t like being a leader. People usually think that I’m good at it because I get my work done/take my responsibilities seriously, but I hate telling people what to do and feeling all the pressure that comes with higher positions.

I enjoy entertaining myself with daydreams. I do hope they come true someday, but the idea itself feels “enough” for that moment. If I really want something, though, l may go “too far” to get it because I tend to ignore the consequences to my actions sometimes.

I’m very practical in my decisions and usually don’t spend too much time overthinking. I simply follow the paths I like more.

Even though I enjoy my “dreamland”, I’m very realistic when it comes to real life issues. I’m the first one to say: “I don’t think this is going to work” if certain idea seems truly impossible.

I like finishing plans/reaching goals if they’re truly important to me. If they aren’t, I don’t mind leaving them unfinished.

I enjoy peaceful environments. If I have some “controversial” opinion to share, I might hold it back to avoid arguments (if it’s something that I strongly believe, though, it might be harder to do it).

I hate to bottle up my emotions (especially negative ones) because it’s really difficult to deal with too much on my own.

My personal tastes are very important to me because they make me who I am. They don’t change much over time, I just switch my current obsessions.

I also tend to get lost in my hobbies. My sister usually says: “I wish I could simply do what I want to do without feeling guilty about it, just like you do!”.

I’m not really future oriented. I like to entertain my ideas (like I mentioned in the daydreaming part), but that’s all I do when it comes to future thinking. I don’t waste much time doing lifelong plans (a 10 years plan seems crazy to me because so much can change in that time period! Your thoughts, opinions, interests… To be honest, thinking so far ahead like that triggers my anxiety. The unknown may be scary if you think too much about it).

I would say an SFP, and not necessarily an introvert:

Knowing random facts isn't really relevant to typing; that's just a hobby/enjoyment of knowledge that anyone can develop.

Disliking being a leader usually rules out Te (and many Fe) doms, and some enneatypes, but a lot of perceivers don't particularly like leadership (ExTPs being the biggest exception to that).

Daydreaming is similarly something everyone does, but trying to bring them into reality does point to decent sensing. This, coupled with the multiple examples of pragmatism but not much pre-planning/need for closure, and the fact that you were already looking at IxFP, made me lean towards high Se.

Avoiding controversy on its own won't rule out ESTP (6s and 9s of that type do exist) but identifying so strongly with your personal tastes as well as being more emotionally expressive (and again, the fact that you were already considering high Fi) indicates, well, high Fi.

The part about getting lost in your hobbies sounds like Se "flow state" to me, and not liking to think ahead because of the uncertainty of the future underscores that.

There's nothing that really rules out extroversion here, or makes it obvious that you're an ISFP, so I'd say ESFP or ISFP are both possibilities; honestly I see more Te than Ni in your answers here and think that ESFP would be seriously worth looking into, particularly with a 6 or 9 enneatype to sort of mellow it out (compared to say, a 7 enneatype, which is what a lot of ESFP descriptions assume).

[ahiddenpath]

Life Update

Man, when’s the last time I wrote one of these???  

Mentions of anxiety and covid/the pandemic.

I guess I’ll just lead with this: my anxiety disorder has made the last two weeks extremely difficult.  I think the biggest trigger is that the pandemic is the worst it’s been ever since vaccines were available to offer some protection.  It’s going around my office after being contained this whole time.  And because the CDC recently reduced/eased up its guidelines in the states, my company has become much more lax about it (I’m a scientist, so I have to report, as I don’t have a laboratory in my home).  They literally allow covid positive people to report, as long as they are asymptomatic, even though asymptomatic people absolutely spread the virus.  

There have been some background stressors too, but that’s the big thing.  I’ve spent entire days stuck in the flight or fight response, more or less.  It’s been pretty awful, but I’m not, like, in any danger.  I’m just not managing the disorder well at the moment.

I have been writing and participating in camp digimonth.  I’ll be launching Puits d’Amour in February!  One thing I noticed is that, where I usually approach writing as a way to reduce the tension in my brain and explore ideas that are important to me, lately...  Writing has been about sinking into the flow state.  When I get to the flow state, I’m not longer locked in the flight or fight mindset, with my heart pounding to aching and my brain leaping from one perceived danger to the next.  The exercise has shifted from processing to...  Distraction?  I don’t look forward to creating so much as to quiet.  

It feels like a step down, somehow, but there’s no denying that it’s an enormous relief. 

I’ve also been listening to lots of bossa nova, which I find relaxing.  This is one of my faves.  I’m listening to this one right now.

I guess that’s all for now.  I hope you’re all thriving, my friends.

[beautifulpatternoflife]

So recently I hadn't been active on Tumblr and youtube for a really long time. My mental health took such a toss and I was having such anxiety and depression I didn't feel like working. I was also researching alot of mental health issues which include ADHD because I always had the symptoms even when I was a kid. Turned out I really had learning difficulties as I grew up. Especially dyscalculia even though I never got tested for it. And Dyslexia. But most importantly my working memory is dysfunctional. I forget things as soon as I get distracted. So it's not ADHD but looks like it because of my working memory. And it's sucks big time. I sincerely gave all the tests which resulted in this and am relieved to know am not at fault for failing throughout school. I was bullied alot and am just thankful I didn't turn into one myself. My mother is my biggest supporter in terms of my memory problem. She reminds me to do things all the time and is much more patient than my father in understanding how I perceive and articulate my feelings. I have a hard time understanding metaphors and sarcasm. I can't tell if someone is joking or not or making fun of me so I end up having rejection sensitive dysphoria. I don't know if it's just an ADHD thing or it applies to other neurodivergent as well. But I feel what I feel and most days am depressed about it. But all I've felt since the test results came out is relief that now I know what it is and am willing to work on it and reduce my anxiety and depression to a minimum when it comes to my mental illness. My relationship with music is mixed feelings. For easy pieces that I learnt, I am okay and I enjoy it. But as soon I have to maintain a rythym it's not free flowing and my anxiety gets in and tells me you are going to slow or too fast or my teacher tells me that. Don't get me wrong, my teacher is good. But she doesn't get me the way my mom does. She knows I can't cope with accompanying instruments. It's alot of responsibility being on beat. I lose it because of my inability to understand anything number related. Same happens with tabla classes. I forget which taal has how many beats, when is a clap and where is silence, how many divisions are in which composition. My therapist told me to talk to them about taking my hobby less seriously where it becomes relaxing and stress free and enjoyable rather than have to work so much that it feels like torture to my neurodivergent brain. I also suffer from bad vision and I am a photographer and that stupid meter on the side of the camera where you fix it according to your power of the eye does not work. So I have to make guesswork of my photographs wether they are focused or not. Most of my photographs have always been underexposed because my eyes are photo sensitive. I was also diagnosed with migraine last year and too much exposure to bright light triggers it.My therapist is really proud of me for doing all of it for years and also graduating with a photography degree despite my issues and I can't help but test up with pride for myself. I look back at it all as a big achievement despite failing throughout school. I am not asking for sympathy, but I just wanted to talk about it. Since everyone's coping mechanism is to do tint rants and storytelling here on Tumblr. It's a nice community. And I feel welcomed. Thank you for listening. Much love to you all.

[juleswolverton-hyde]

Not by the Moon | 01

Genre: Smut, Romance, Strangers to Lovers, Drama, Tragedy, Werewolf AU, Supernatural AU, Bookshop AU

Pairing: Bookshop keeper!/Werewolf!JB x Reader

Warnings: Mild swearing, allusion to anxiety

Summary: Every story has a purpose or goal it is dedicated to, their authors at times going to great lengths to see the project they once started to completion. Nevertheless, the things the writers swore on to see their latest art piece to completion are static.

Unchanging.

None of them swore by the Moon nor Love because they can solely genuinely swear on all that changes like themselves.

And yet, a wolf in love foolishly swore by the moon.

That is when Time truly started ticking.

Next chapter

Masterlist

There is nothing quite like visiting a bookshop on a rainy autumn day, walking the pavements that will soon deepen in their shade of grey as the scarlet and burnt orange leaves will be decorated with tiny watery crystals. The fierce wind preludes to the sorrow of the gloomy clouds overhead, the chill creeping beneath the navy trenchcoat cooling the little skin bared by a simple ink black V-neck shirt. Caffeinated bordeaux sneakers hasten their step when leaving the district ruled by busy city life and entering the artisans district on the east side of town, where the boroughs are ruled by artists, individual shops, cafés and independent bookstores that each have their own vibe.

For a while now, a specific one has yet to be visited, intending to drop by ever since that long walk that lead through many a cobblestone street lined with brownstone houses and not a single business anywhere in sight. Except for Paper Souls, a hidden gem tucked away at the edge of the area where homes and commerce just meet and have resulted in a small store disguised as a proper worker’s house. As can be judged from the window display, the shop sells both well-known titles alongside more obscure ones, bound in editions fresh from the press and those having lived a ready life on someone’s shelves.

A second before the first tears of the heavens fall and make their presence known by ticking against the window, the bookstore is entered with a low sigh of delight. Nothing comes remotely close to the distinct scent of books, this specific combination of mustiness and ink laced with the fragrance of the weather outside and perfumes of customers. Or, in this case, solely the owner’s.

Here and there, a rumour about the man ruling the paper kingdom has been picked up and it is safe to say not all have been positive. A subject that has been frequently touched upon, oft causing more of a stir than the overall intimidating attitude, are the differently coloured eyes. One brown like hazelnuts at the end of the year and the other as blue as the ocean far outside the harbour.

The ones belonging to long blonde locks with dark roots looking up from the current read behind the counter and which are briefly met with a polite nod and casual greeting. At least one aspect of the groundless gossip is true because the disgruntled stoicism on the handsome face acknowledging the professional meaningless acquaintance silently makes the heart race and constricts the throat. It awakens the need to run and hide somewhere among the chestnut shelves, become a character in a tale so as to vanish and thus avoid upsetting the clerk by merely being present. Which might be the biggest problem, considering today’s goal of staying inside and spend it as is habitually done.

Don’t be silly. Just find a book and settle down somewhere to read a few pages. As long as you’re quiet, nothing’s gonna happen.

Thus, mayhaps repeating the self-chastisement once or twice, the creaking worn floorboards are walked upon as ghostlike as possible though every step makes the Body cringe due to the loudness disturbing the silence. 

And him.

The young man whose gaze is momentarily met before fleeing to the vintage couch in an incline with a gorgeous Penguin hardcover copy of William Blake’s Songs of Innocence and Experience, which has been found in the poetry section across from the counter. Breath was held while standing on the tips of the toes while reaching for the thin volume on one of the highest shelves, hoping to not attract attention and refusing to use one of the nearby dark-wooden stools to climb atop because such acrobatics would likely not sit well with the person causing the hairs at the back of the neck to stand on edge.

A sigh of relief cannot be helped when loosening the buttons of the trenchcoat and tossing it over the arm rest before snuggling up in the corner of the sofa. Finally a moment devoid of stress, a chance to be carried off by the works of a beloved poet and artist embodying the truth of childhood and adulthood.

But being brought back all too soon from criticism on the corrupt Catholic Church by the oppressive presence of loose ripped jeans which are perceived just above the edge of the mustard cover. Despite being barely able to gather the courage to look away from the page, lashes nevertheless look up to hands tucked into denim pockets and non-matching irises peering down. Curiously, though it is also alarming, the gaze from above is awkward as if unsettled by the mere presence of a well-meaning bookworm which confirms the assumption about being a nuisance.

Although, the paradoxically misplaced inquiry spoken in a husky voice undermines the deduction. The lowering of broad shoulders does too, allowing personal defenses to waver a bit in the pursuit of kindness. ‘’How do you like your coffee?’’

Bewildered yet finding no clear reason for the kind question in the stoicism of two-toned locks, the simple reflex of asking for a repeat is acted upon with a sheepish tongue that does not know what to make of the situation. ‘’Sorry, what?’’

‘’Coffee. How do you drink yours?’’ A gruff slightly chubby thumb points toward the door, the glass decorated with autumnal tears. ‘’It might be raining, but I still need caffeine. Figured I might as well buy you something too. So, what should I get?’’

What do I do? Do I accept the offer? I mean, he offered it, but declining would still be polite. Then again, it’s free coffee.

‘’Oh, uhm, that’s very sweet of you.’’ The bundle is put down in the lap, flabbergasted shy hands tucked between the thighs while trying to stay as small as possible. It is a silly instinct, but the closeness of the intimidating bookshop clerk calls for it. Moreover, the deep slightly hoarse tone that sounds both as if still recovering from something and being exhausted with the world does not make matters better. 

However, albeit for a split second that is not credible enough, little will-o-the-wisps illuminate the entrancing wildness of an ocean and hazelnut forest as a quicksilver smile flashes over roseate lips. A beautiful fleeting sight which might never have arisen from the solemnity resting like a mask on the youth’s face.

A daydream.

Indeed, surely that is what it must have been. What other reason could there be to show a sign of being pleased with someone who does not feel particularly welcome and at ease in this paper kingdom?

Led astray by the unfocused train of thought, distracted by what may or may not have been witnessed, the actual answer comes out on a mumble. All the while boldly looking back, wondering. ‘’An iced vanilla latte... would be nice.’’

Acknowledging the order with a mere low rumble similar to a wolf’s, the clerk sets off on a caffeinated journey and leaves an affected soul behind. 

While still being highly uncomfortable with the lad’s presence, the thought of what just happened and the offer of a drink that was not in the slightest reluctant imprints a warm impression on a racing heart. Yet, before any ungrounded fantasies arise, the poetry bundle is quickly picked up again and later exchanged for a thick volume of Keats’s poetry that has been picked up in a rush to seemingly have never moved from the leather couch. To not leave a single trace of chaos which might trigger the wrath of the bookshop keeper and perhaps end up in being drenched by cold coffee. 

All the fear is evidently in vain because, when being once again engrossed by poetry, the ghost of a touch over the cheekbone breaks the spell. As if awakening from a dream, the suggestion of the outstretched cold drink passes unnoticed. Instead, it is replaced by a look at ripped jeans beneath a loose tartan blazer, resulting in the novel discovery of a little gem embedded in the right nostril. 

The rattle of ice entrapped in plastic fully awakens the senses as well as the sharp rustle of a paper bag bearing the logo shaped like an apple out of which a bite has been taken. ‘’Here. It’s on me. Don’t think anything of it, I just don’t want you to get dehydrated or hungry.’’

‘’Right.’’ With trembling hands expecting to have the food carelessly thrown into the lap and drink pushed into the palm, the surprising meal is accepted. Without the slightest sign of pushing. ‘’Still, thanks.’’

Once again, a beastly grunt is all that is received in return before checkered trainers retreat to the front of the establishment. Strangely, they soon return with the current read which was enjoyed behind the counter alongside the cold brew that was picked up to battle the fatigue that noticeably laces demeanour. Because, when sinking back into the sofa after having been gestured at to scoot over and haphazardly making room, lashes flutter shut for longer than a mere blink. Notwithstanding, they are awake enough to notice the shift in reading. ‘’Keats?’’

‘’Uh, yes. He’s one of my favorites alongside Blake, Donne and, on occasion, Wordsworth.’’ Personal enthusiasm takes over when mentioning the last poet with whom there is a love-hate relationship, erasing any anguish at being close to the keeper of the kingdom and thus making it possible to ignore the few centimeters of space between bodies. ‘’Even though he’s basically a fraud by turning his sister’s experiences into poetry. It makes one wonder whether he had any talent to come up with something himself. Now, I do believe some of his works are genuinely his, but not all. Sorry, I’ll- I’ll shut up.’’

Questioning chestnut and water reintroduce the silence disturbed by autumnal rain accompanied by howling winds, stretching out over the empty streets. Nobody likes a blathering fool, least of all the stoic who surprisingly has decided to join one’s company. 

Or, so was the original thought that is now nullified by a sliver of a smile and something inaudible smokily mumbled beneath breath. There is no courage to inquire about what was said nor ask for a reason for being evidently entertained, simply rapidly picking up the volume again to resume reading with an overheated, ashamed mind.

Here and there, however, sneaky peeks are thrown in the direction of bleached locks thoroughly enjoying Dante’s Inferno, a work that has been on the to-be-read list for the longest time and somehow has never been crossed off.

Come on, you can do it. Ask him how it is, whether he likes Dante. Don’t be a marshmallow. Okay, one, two... fuck.

‘’How’s Keats?’’ Beating the barely daring tongue to it, the young man interrupts the hardly focused enjoyment of poetry that maybe lasted about fifteen minutes.

‘’Good.’’ More wants to be added to the opinion, but cannot be shaped nor voiced due to the bafflement at seeing sincere interest pierce through an unwavering expression. On the other hand, another unnameable sentiment underlines attitude too, floating ever so slightly beneath the surface. 

‘’You haven’t touched your food.’’ Lips slightly pout when glancing at the paper bag that rests on the trenchcoat that had hastily been draped over the other arm rest when bleached locks sat down, colourful irises dimming. 

Worry.

Why does it affect him? What does it matter if I eat or not?

To hopefully grant a bit of reassurance, an absent-minded promise is made before diving back into the misery of a nightingale. ‘’I’ll eat in a bit. Just one more poem.’’

As fast as lightning, the volume flies from hapless palms and the scent of books mingled with musky mint suddenly leans over to grab the purchased treat, fingertips pressing against the side of the thigh. Every muscle tenses up at the new form of intimacy, inwardly praying for the tartan blazer to return to his place as soon as possible. ‘’No, it’s already two o’clock and I’m sure you had breakfast early. You should eat. Where’s your coffee?’’

A trembling finger points to the untouched iced vanilla latte on the floor, put just in front of the sofa. Hands rise even higher when the bookshop keeper’s heartbeat and heated broad chest can be temporarily felt when slightly chubby digits lean over to grab the plastic cup. ‘’I’m not…’’

‘’What?’’ Clearly not understanding the need to keep looking away, unsteadily focusing on the sides of the nearest bookshelf, the question comes out agitated as the retrieved items are pushed forward, unmistakably intended to be taken. The shift in behaviour is as little comprehensible as the likely appearance of warm rosy cheeks going paired with a fist pressing on the lips, tongue-tied.

Mentally chastising oneself for the awkward display, courage is forcibly gathered to face the puzzled grumpy young man and answer with a whisper. ‘’I’m not comfortable eating in public.’’

‘’We’re not in public.’’

‘’Or with people I don’t know.’’

This revelation is clearly unexpected, eyes widening when reluctantly elaborating on an irrational fear with folded hands tucked between the thighs. For a second, there is nothing but an uncomfortable hush in which the worst outcome is vividly painted in the mind. Fortunately and oddly, it is broken as the stoic’s attitude shifts to something that has not been witnessed before and which goes against any rumour floating around town. 

A gentle smile plays around the corners of the mouth as the tense grip on the food and drink loosens, gently putting the rustling bag in the lap and a warm palm grabbing one hand to place the lukewarm cup in it. ‘’There. I’m Jaebeom, JB for short. Now, can you please eat something? And I promise I won’t judge you.’’

‘’Shouldn’t- Shouldn’t you eat something too? You look like you could use some energy.’’ Up close, the fatigue has become visibly noticeable outside the moment of sitting down and closing eyes for a little bit longer than would suffice for a blink. Affected by the niceness of the gentle acquaintance and thoughtfulness, the croissant in the bag is torn in half to offer a part to the current company. ‘’How about we share this?’’

‘’You don’t have to.’’ A low breathy chuckle rolls forth at the gesture, strangely elating the heart and stirring up a storm of butterflies in the stomach. Again, the same unintelligible phrase that was muttered under breath earlier seems to be repeated.

A penny for your thoughts. What did you say?

Putting aside curiosity to not prematurely cross any boundaries of politeness, what wants to be asked is suppressed and reformed into a request for sharing. After all, the lack of energy outlined by vague dark circles beneath non-matching irises is truly a cause for concern. ‘’Please? I don’t have that big of an appetite.’’

With a resigning sigh, the offer is accepted. Much to the strange delight of the soul who still is not entirely trusting of the bookshop keeper yet already has the mental defenses down a little bit more than before. ‘’Alright, if you insist.’’

What follows is an absolutely adorable though also surprising scenario as the pastry is enjoyed in one bite, the food disappearing without any trouble. Nibbling on the other half, staring cannot be helped as a sip of coldbrew is enjoyed to wash the treat down. However, the unintended impolite mannerism, of course, cannot pass under the radar. Hence is why dark brows furrow in puzzlement when remarking upon being a point of attention. ‘’What?’’

‘’Nothing. You just…’’ a moment is taken to try and find the right word yet failing to think of one which accurately describes the eating manner, ‘’you just wolfed that down.’’

‘’Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. I can be a bit, well, unmannered at times.’’ The gaze focusing on the iced black coffee adds to the sorrowful side profile, unwillingly nostalgic, but unapproachable for comfort. ‘’I try not to be. I’m trying to, no, never mind.’’ Another sip. ‘’Forget it. Just eat and stay as long as you like.’’

‘’Jaebeom?’’ In a reflex, after swiftly wiping fatty fingertips on the coarse paper napkin, the bookshop keeper is grabbed by the sleeve as he tries to move away. Alarmed by the sudden bold move, non-matching irises briefly flare with an odd mixture of fear and annoyance before seemingly realizing something and thus calming down. All this goes hidden behind a badly enacted tolerating low hum. ‘’Can you, I mean, only if you don’t mind, could you... could you stay here? For a little while? At least sit down for a few more minutes. I promise I won’t stare as I did and actually read.’’

‘’You want me to... stay?’’ Dark brows furrow in a strange confusion, uncomprehending of the normal request. Although, perhaps it is not so casual seeing as it needs to be thought about. ‘’Stay? Here?’’

‘’If you don’t mind? I’m sorry if I freaked you out, I really didn’t mean to.’’

‘’You didn’t. I should be the one apologizing for being so distant.’’

‘’I don’t blame you. You barely know me.’’

‘’I don’t know you.’’ The observation hits hard, the sternness of the reply crucifying the heart and constricting the throat. How odd a fact should have this result. Withal, the misplaced hurt is a little soothed by the promise that follows. ‘’I’ll stay. But I’ll be closing in about two hours.’’

And thus, for one hour and a half, the paper kingdom falls quiet. Solely the tinkering tears of heaven decorating the glass of the windows, howling winds stirring the richly warm leaves into dance and occasional wandering lonely umbrella break the silence. Inside, the only noise to disrupt the hush is the turn of a page or sniffle that may or may not prelude to a cold. 

However, all tranquil beauty knows an end for Time always runs out. Henceforth, it is at half past four that a light tap goes paired with the barely audible comment “you have to go”. Likely due to the aftermath of being pulled from a world of poetic Nature into gloomy Reality, there is a wrong perception of Jaebeom’s voice. Surely, the sorrowful reluctance is imagined.

As you said, you don’t know me.

The mere thought pains Body and Soul when grabbing the navy trenchcoat off of the faux leather arm rest, stepping towards the bookshelf where Keats was found and the exit afterwards. No chance of wandering a little longer between the books is given, the clerk following closely behind and unconsciously guiding feet towards the entrance.

‘’Y/N? Will you, uh…’’ Restless trembling palms hover in the air like two bent paws failing to illustrate something, a rosy flush spread over the cheeks, ‘’Can I put your jacket on? I mean, let me help you put your jacket on. That’s how you say it, right?’’

With an affirming hum, big palms with slightly chubby digits are allowed to help dress into the piece of clothing.

Glide over the side of the neck when collecting hair to make it flow over the collar instead of being tucked beneath it, leaving a trail of goosebumps and sharpening breath. 

All the while maintaining eye contact, both our faces distorting with timidity. It is then that glances are haphazardly thrown around the empty store to avoid each other for a second wherein composure is hopefully found. 

And it would appear that the buff tall blonde youth is the first to do so, speech matter-of-factly when voicing an unspoken suggestion while holding on to the upper arms. ‘’I haven’t even asked your name.’’

Bashfully, the answer is uttered in a proper vis-á-vis with entrancing two-toned irises though the urge to bolt out the door remains. Nevertheless, the rapid loss of contact is disliked, JB realizing how the intimacy might come across when glancing at the fingertips digging into fabric, almost begging to stay. ‘’It’s Y/N.’’

The instinct to flee is lessened by the step forward thoughtfully repeating the name, carefully feeling out the syllables as if comprehending a siren’s song. ‘’I had a good time, Y/N.’’

‘’Me too.’’ It is true because, despite the distance that was endeavoured to be closed with food, reading and shallow conversation, the time spent together was actually quite enjoyable. Notwithstanding, too much of the clerk remains unknown to say whether all has been out of politeness or if any sincere trust has been shown.

‘’Even though you’re still scared of me?’’

‘’I’m not!’’ A sigh rolls off the tongue at the sight of a smug grin on roseate lips knowing better than to lie about genuine sentiments. ‘You’re just... just kinda intimidating.’

‘’Kinda? To me it seems like a whole lot more than ‘just kinda’. You almost seem eager to go even though you were hesitating earlier.’’ Bright hazelnut and the summer sea are overcast by lonely grief putting on the airs of suppressed rage, painfully re-establishing and enhancing the distance that was briefly shortened with a step backwards. ‘’To get away from me. Make up your mind.’’

‘’Yes, I’m intimidated by you. A lot.’’ The renewed cold emptiness is warily bridged, planning out the words to say to not make matters worse. ‘’And, to be honest, I don’t want to go. Still, it’s because you intimidate me I might seem uneasy and glad to go, but I can assure you I’m not. I really had a good time. We might not have talked a lot, but I still had a splendid afternoon. With you. And for that, I’m grateful. I’m sorry I confuse you, make you feel awkward because of my behaviour.’’

The waterfall of a confession catches the bookshop keeper off guard, but also manages to make tense broad shoulders lower their defenses as colourful eyes calm down. Digits rise from the pockets of loose ripped jeans to envelop the upper arms once more, this time rubbing them reassuringly and let the personal walls crumble too. ‘You don’t have to be afraid of me nor apologize. Look, we’ll talk about this another time. For now, you have to go and I have to close the shop. Get home safely and don’t catch a cold.’

‘’You too.’’ 

‘’Don’t worry. I won’t.’’

With a last nod and gentle smile relieved at the prospect of good health, warm palms are stepped away from.

The watery autumn chill cools the heat from being seen off by blonde locks.

I couldn’t get sick even if I wanted to.

When the enchanting scent of summer citrus, autumnal blackberries and juicy peaches has faded, the two volumes that were touched by it are picked from the shelves without a clear understanding of why. Neither is there a sense of comprehension when it comes to the sheer curiosity about what it is that the adorable shy doe so likes about these specific poets. Notwithstanding, both books are picked up and put on the counter alongside the current read to take upstairs after sweeping and properly closing the shop.

Which does not take long, soon after already stumbling up the metal stairs to the apartment above the establishment with a famished stomach and tense muscles, watching the oppressive concrete clouds slightly give way to the lilac dusk before heading inside. Fortunately, dinner has been prepared in advance so the various side dishes solely need to be warmed up in the microwave just like the rice in the cooker. The hair dye job, however, will have to wait until tomorrow. That is, if it is remembered like the face of the local historian who seems awfully fascinated by the affliction distorting identity.

Shedding off the weight of the day, clothes are removed and tossed on the couch to be replaced by the bathrobe that was put there in the morning after yet another long night filled with amnesia. Afterwards, bare feet trod to the kitchen to retrieve the cold dishes from the refrigerator and put them in the microwave to heat up. 

It’s getting late, but at least there’s still some time to read. Funny how my last thought is of you.

Just as the melancholic thought arises over a big bowl of bibimbap accompanied by William Blake’s Songs of Innocence and Experience, the screen of the phone on the counter lights up after a brief buzz. When getting up to check, the message appears to be from the supernatural scholar.

“Good luck tonight. I’ll be at your place around 7. Hopefully, you’ll be yourself again. If not, I’ll wait outside. Jinyoung.”

As always, the text is signed with the young man’s name to help ease the recovery of ever-fading memory. Even after living around three years among humans again, the ability to recall actual names alongside how to enact civilized behaviour remains hard.

And becomes more difficult with every passing day.

For now, I want to try. I want to speak to you at least one more time and explain myself. Part ways on good terms, let you know what I am.

A smile cannot be helped at the sight of the bowl next to the mustard poetry bundle, vividly re-imagining how it was held by small hands on the faux leather sofa this afternoon. 

How those same tiny digits tore off half of the croissant without hesitation and offered it to an animal, nibbling adorably on theirs while endeavouring to put on a human act and failing due to the hunger always preceding hell.

But a fantasy never lasts.

Time never stops. 

It solely ticks.

Runs out.

Hopefully, I’ll remember you.

And the moon cannot be sworn by for She cannot stay away nor remain the same. 

That night, the name of the bookish fawn is the last powerful word to recall before losing a grip on the world in the cold dark illuminated by artificial light. 

Naked and shackled beneath the concrete ground.

Hoping for a memory. 

Y/N.

[socially-satanic]

"say a little prayer" mom i seriously thought after how many things you've already known about before i told you, you'd have figured out i do not believe in your god anymore by now. what else is "say a little prayer... really" supposed to mean? you think i still find comfort in your god? your god is LITERALLY top 5 one of my biggest triggers, your god gave me this anxiety and depression and not because he "made me" it's because of his perceived presence making me doubt every. single. action. i take. and right now i need confidence if i'm going to overcome the obstacles i'm facing!!

the worst part is that you probably don't even realize. you don't think about this shit. you still go to church almost every sunday. your husband only just stopped being an elder there (apparently "because he's too socially awkward and selfish" i fucking balked when he told me himself that he was a selfish person. how hypocritical to try to teach me all this shit and try to convince me i need to be my "best possible self in the eyes of our lord" and then tell me you're too selfish to listen to old people talk about their problems in your prayer meetings. at least he was being honest I GUESS.) it doesn't occur to you that casually mentioning your own religiousity throws me back to being 8 years old and worrying that if i disobey you, does that mean i've altered history, and that jesus will get an additional lashing in the past? worrying that i'm not a true believer because god won't talk to me when i'm alone in my bed at night, crying and begging and pleading for him to talk to me? among just. so many other things.

i don't know when or how i'm ever going to bring this up to you, mom. you've told me you don't think i could ever do or say anything that would make you stop loving me but i don't know if i can trust like that. but i also don't know if i can continue a conversation after you tell me to "say a little prayer" because my brain just SCREECHES to a halt. if we were having this conversation in person you would've seen it plastered across my face, the discomfort, the anger, the sadness, the dissconnection, the dissociation, the trying to conceal it all. one of these days you're gonna do that in person and i don't know how i'm gonna recover that thread of conversation without just dropping a huge load of trauma, for both of us, onto you, like a baby giraffe being dropped out of the birth canal. just a big wet massive heavy heap of it.

fucking. hell. and i still blame myself. "oh don't be so emotional over one little phrase, you could take that as in 'have hope'" but nah, nah.... nah my brain just kicks me in the gut i don't really have a choice on that until i've had more therapy.

[eminentfocus]

The Rules of the Rumble

“It’s very hard to have ideas. It’s very hard to put yourself out there, it’s very hard to be vulnerable, but those people who do that are the dreamers, the thinkers and the creators. They are the magic people of the world.” - Amy Poehler

I warned you that we would be talking about the loathed subject of vulnerability again today.  It was at the top of yesterday’s list.  Well, here we are!  I wanted to stop here first because it is meaty.  It is so meaty that I have purposefully left vulnerability breadcrumbs throughout the rabbit hole for you thus far.  It is the biggest building block and if it is wobbly, everything you build onto it will be too.  Brene Brown will be helping out again today with her BRAVING Checklist.  You ready?!?  Down the rabbit hole we go!

Boundaries.  We all have those little lines of respect.  We all have things that trigger us or set us off.  Most of us, however, do not set boundaries effectively.  We set boundaries for acceptance.  Then the weight of the armor hits when one of our values or morals is smashed.  It’s an ugly cycle.  Brene gives us insight into boundaries by simply setting the rule: “You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask.  You’re willing to say no”.  Your boundaries should be clear, intentional, and protect your morals and goals.  More on this soon!

Reliability.  We all have at least one friend that you know you cannot ask for anything.  You love them, just are unreliable.  They don’t show up on time, if at all.  They make a ton of excuses the few times you do actually ask for their help.  They do things without thought or care when they do show up.  You know you cannot rely on them.  If you know how that friend makes you feel pushed aside, don’t do it to someone else.  Brene’s rules on reliability are pretty logical: “You do what you say you’ll do.  This means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities”.  It’s okay to say no when you cannot help/do not want to help, but if you can help, do it!  And actually be bought the fuck in and present!

Accountability.  We are humans, we error.  We say things we don’t mean, do things we don’t think all the way through, and we all get emotionally lit from time-to-time.  Admit it when it happens, when it happens.  Better yet, preface that you are struggling before engaging with other humans, if you know you are.  You impact everything, good or bad.  Brene suggests that “[y]ou own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends” as soon as you realize the error.  Long-term, if someone is in a tough position that they have to judge your character, they will remember that you do not lie to cover your mistakes as a rule, they lean into trust through experience.  This is one of the biggest things you can do to aid in adding trust to your relationships.  AND absolutely no chucking others under the bus to avoid your uncomfortable.  That’s tacky and destructive.

Vault.  This one!  This!  This is so fucking important!  I’m passing the mic directly to Brene for this one: “You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share.  I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential”.  I’ve said it a hundred times, it is hard to put yourself out there.  Imagine trusting to do that and the other person runs to tell that to everyone they know.  Imagine the lost trust.  Imagine the anxiety, pain and trauma.  Even if someone simply asks “Hey!  How’s so and so doing?”  Do you know how they are doing, really?  Is this your information to share?  Really think about this because this one thing is the glue that holds the other checklist items together.

Integrity.  We all want to be accepted.  That’s how peer pressure pushes even the best-behaved teens over the edge everyday.  Why?  They are not bought into their values yet!  So how on earth would they ever choose being morally sound over popular as a high schooler?  They wouldn’t, but you would because you are no longer a high schooler, and you are way more courageous than that.  Hard truth: “You choose courage over comfort.  You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy.  And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them”.  Or did you not mature quite yet?  Asking for a friend!  More on this soon too!

Nonjudgement.  Again, we want to be accepted!  We want to feel safe.  We all need help getting our heads right form time-to-time.  These are basic human needs.  When someone comes to you with the story they tell themselves and you hear what you want to, you paint your own picture and deny them theirs.  You deny them empathy to truly listen.  You deny them the right to be heard and understood without your own shitty guttersnipe ruining it for them.  Brene makes it clear by suggesting that: “I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need.  We can talk about how we feel without judgement”.  Just shut the fuck up and enjoy the story!  No “fixing”, no comparing to what you relate to, no rushing to make the point or trying to fill in the gaps, just listen to understand.  This will change every single one of your relationships.  Facts.

Generosity.  I mentioned early on in this dive that most things that you think you know are wrong.  They are your best guess at what you perceive based on your personal experiences/history/trauma.  Our guesses can be close to the target, but the only way to get to the kill zone is to listen to each other with the intent to understand.  To not assume the worst.  To understand and believe that everyone is human and we all feel like we are not enough.  The benefit of the doubt can be the most beautiful light in a dark cave.  As Brene points out: “[y]ou extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others” if you are truly being generous with yourself the way you would want them to be with you.  Think platinum rule here: treat others how they want you to treat them.

All of the above is referenced into trusting others, but also applies to boosting your self-trust as well.  When we are interacting in the wilderness, we can be fooled by fear and arrogance.  Leaning into the BRAVING checklist can be the pivot to create huge change.  Tomorrow we will talk about building an appropriate ring for you to rumble bravely in.  This includes having really hard and fucking uncomfortable conversations.  Until then, I’ll leave you with this…

“You can change the world again, instead of protecting yourself from it.” - Julian Smith

[surviiived]

Guidelines

If you don’t agree to these rules and don’t want to follow me back—and if I have already followed you—please just HARD block me. It’ll help keep my dash cleaner, as well as make sure in my forgetfulness I won’t follow you again. Don’t worry, I won’t be upset lol. Thank you so much for looking at my rules!! 🖤🖤

Basic Rules:

-SEMI SELECTIVE AND MUTUALS ONLY.  This is for my own safety and feeling of security. If you want to roleplay with me, follow me. I will do the same for you if I’m willing to interact.

-OCS, AUS, AND ALL OTHER CHARACTERS WELCOME. I don’t care who your muse is. I’m all for OCs, crossovers, AUs, anything!! Just know I’m a bit more selective towards fandoms I don’t know about lol

-NO ONE-LINERS. I need some more interest in our thread from your end so I don’t lose muse as well. One-liners are fine for crack threads, but nowhere else. I’m fine with single to multiparagraph, and that’s how I will be writing.

-NO GODMODDING. I cannot express this enough. It’s my biggest pet peeve. Just don’t, or I’ll end the rp immediately.

-PLEASE USE CORRECT GRAMMAR. I’m a bit of a grammar freak, so seriously. At least try. However, If English isn’t your first language, I COMPLETELY understand.

-MULTIVERSE, MULTISHIP. Every thread is a different verse, every ship a different verse. Simple.

-DONT REBLOG THINGS FROM ME. Honestly, guys this just gets on my nerves. It’s a bit irrational...but also irritating because when I check my phone and see a notification from a mutual, I get excited because I think it’s a reply! But then I realize you just reblogged that meme/musing/whatever. Please, only reblog threads from me and everything else from the source. This includes memes, musings, pictures, and promos. Also, pls don’t reblog my PSAs, if you agree with them let me know so I can post it to my rp memes blog, which I would LOVE for you to reblog it from!!

-REBLOGGING ASKS AND TRIMMING THREADS. I’m not as strict as a lot of people over this, but some mutuals of mine are so please trim your threads when you reply to me. If you are in a situation where you can’t, that’s perfectly fine. However, thanks to this new Tumblr update I cannot trim asks because I don’t have xKit. So I ask for you to trim them for me, and if you can’t either then I’ll figure something out. Also with asks, I’m fine with you reblogging an ask to continue it. I will turn it into a separate thread for my friends’ sake.

-UNFOLLOWS. There’s a low chance I will unfollow someone, and the only reasons I can think of are spreading drama, being inactive for over a month without a hiatus, something else that annoys me, or too many OOC posts. The latter is why I am hesitant to follow back personal blogs who roleplay on said blog, but it’s not impossible. I won’t follow personal blogs from side blogs, but if you let me know you are a side blog I will gladly follow where you roleplay.

-DONT INVOLVE ME IN DRAMA. I hate drama. I’m the type of person who wants absolutely nothing to do with it. If I ask about what’s going on, then you’re welcome to tell me, but other than that, don’t talk to me about it. I won’t take sides. I won’t tell other people what’s going on. I’ll only act like nothing’s happening.

-SPOILERS. This is kinda hard with an Identity V blog... I don’t really anticipate there being any spoilers on this blog?? But if a new diary entry comes out or a deduction for a new character, sure, I’ll tag it for a couple of weeks.

-REQUESTING MUSES. If you don’t request a specific character in an ask or a starter call, I won’t write it. I just don’t have the time to go to you and ask which character you want, nor try to guess what you were thinking when you sent something in or liked a starter call. So I just won’t respond to whatever it is. This is the case when requesting one of my muses or picking one of your muses, if you’re a multi like me. Sorry..!!

Romance Rules:

-NO SMUT. I can’t stress this enough. It’s not that I’m a minor (which I’m not), it’s that it makes me uncomfortable. You will never see smut on this blog. I’m fine with heavy make out scenes, but when the clothes start to come off is where I request a fade to black.

-I LOVE TO WRITE ROMANCE THREADS. I’m a pretty big hopeless romantic, as that’s where most of my muse is generated from. I may want to add a ship to our thread at some point, but will never force it.

-REFUSALS. NO pedofilia, NO incest, NO rape, or ANYTHING nasty like that. I understand that sometimes in writing dark situations occur, as some of these things are in my muses’ backstory. So, if you write any of those things, I’m not going to block you. However, if you request to do any of that stuff with me, I’ll say no. Press the issue, I’ll hard block you. I shouldn’t have to hear you request it the first time, as it’s right here in my rules and that means you didn’t read them. But I’ll go easy until you cross a line.

-THERE MUST BE CHEMISTRY. Don’t bother trying to make a ship work that just won’t click, it’s a waste of time. But I’m more than willing to try things and see how they work..!!

-PLEASE RESPECT MY MUSES’ SEXUALITIES. You can tell a muse’s sexuality by what it says on their about. Most are bi/pan, but a few may be different.

Rules and things about me:

-I HAVE LOTS OF WRITING EXPERIENCE. I’ve been writing since I was maybe even seven years old, played games where I pretended to be a character irl since I was five, and have been actually roleplaying for approximately 7 years now. I’ve been roleplaying on Tumblr for three years. I really love writing, you know?

-WARNING, I WRITE GORE. I tend to go into detail about pain, suffering, death, and just very demented topics. That’s just a warning. If you have a problem with that, you may not want to follow me…

-TAGGING. Gore, murder, suicide, and other dark and triggering things will be tagged, but swearing will not. I swear far too much for me to remember to tag it. Also, I don’t post NSFW images or threads on this blog, so don’t worry about that, but I will tag asks and memes that can be perceived as nsfw. I tag things like this (using death as an example): “tw: death”. If you have any triggers, PLEASE let me know so I can tag them. There’s always a chance I might forget about something, and if I do please tell me. I’ll make sure not to forget a second time. Also, I ask you all tag vomit mentions, even if it’s just written, and ESPECIALLY TAG VISUALS OF THROW UP!!!! That is my ONLY trigger. Thank you.

-RESPONDING TIME. I’m a college student, high school student, and I work, so my responding time isn’t what it used to be lol. Please don’t pressure me over that..!! I also post most threads via queue unless I just need to send it out ASAP. I won’t bother you if it takes a little while to reply. We all have lives outside of Tumblr!!

-I’M NOT GOING TO SEND IN PASSWORDS. It just adds to my anxiety, and I don’t like that. That’s why I don’t ever ask someone to send a password in and just ask that they like my rules post! Just know I will always read someone’s rules before interacting.

-I’M ALWAYS HERE IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. Honestly, I want to help! If something’s wrong and you want to tell me about it, I’m all ears. I hate being upset or depressed myself, so I like to try to make others feel better. It helps with my own sadness.

That’s all for right now..! Happy roleplaying~!!

like this post if you have read it and agree to it, please.

Hello! My name’s Kiki. There isn’t really much to say about me, except that I love to roleplay!! That and write, of course. And draw. And sing. So I guess I love a lot of stuff lol. Also, I am diagnosed with ADD (attention-deficit disorder), so please bear with me..!! One last thing, I’m 18 as of November 2020. 

If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m right here and always accepting PMs!!

My main account is twx-sid3d, but I’m rarely ever on there so here is the best place to contact me. I also have a multiverse oc sideblog @hxlf-bred​ that’s connected to my multi, @nycttophilic.

Thanks for reading! Have a nice day~!

[hxlf-bred]

Guidelines

If you don’t agree to these rules and don’t want to follow me back—and if I have already followed you—please just HARD block me. It’ll help keep my dash cleaner, as well as make sure in my forgetfulness I won’t follow you again. Don’t worry, I won’t be upset lol. Thank you so much for looking at my rules!! 🖤🖤

Basic Rules:

-SEMI SELECTIVE AND MUTUALS ONLY.  This is for my own safety and feeling of security. If you want to roleplay with me, follow me. I will do the same for you if I’m willing to interact.

-OCS, AUS, AND ALL OTHER CHARACTERS WELCOME. I don’t care who your muse is. I’m all for OCs, crossovers, AUs, anything!! Just know I’m a bit more selective towards fandoms I don’t know about lol

-NO ONE-LINERS. I need some more interest in our thread from your end so I don’t lose muse as well. One-liners are fine for crack threads, but nowhere else. I’m fine with single to multiparagraph, and that’s how I will be writing.

-NO GODMODDING. I cannot express this enough. It’s my biggest pet peeve. Just don’t, or I’ll end the Rp immediately.

-PLEASE USE CORRECT GRAMMAR. I’m a bit of a grammar freak, so seriously. At least try. However, if English isn’t your first language, I COMPLETELY understand.

-MULTIVERSE, MULTISHIP. Every thread is a different verse, every ship a different verse. Simple.

-DONT REBLOG THINGS FROM ME. Honestly, guys this just gets on my nerves. It’s a bit irrational...but also irritating because when I check my phone and see a notification from a mutual, I get excited because I think it’s a reply! But then I realize you just reblogged that meme/musing/whatever. Please, only reblog threads from me and everything else from the source. This includes memes, musings, pictures, and promos. Also, pls don’t reblog my PSAs, if you agree with them let me know so I can post it to my rp memes blog, which I would LOVE for you to reblog it from!!

-REBLOGGING ASKS AND TRIMMING THREADS. I’m not as strict as a lot of people over this, but some mutuals of mine are so please trim your threads when you reply to me. If you are in a situation where you can’t, that’s perfectly fine and I’ll do it for you. Same with asks, I’m fine with you reblogging an ask to continue it. I will turn it into a separate thread for my friends’ sake.

-UNFOLLOWS. There’s a low chance I will unfollow someone, and the only reasons I can think of are spreading drama, being inactive for over a month without a hiatus, something else that annoys me, or too many OOC posts. The latter is why I am hesitant to follow back personal blogs who roleplay on said blog, but it’s not impossible. I won’t follow personal blogs from side blogs, but if you let me know you are a side blog I will gladly follow where you roleplay.

-DONT INVOLVE ME IN DRAMA. I hate drama. I’m the type of person who wants absolutely nothing to do with it. If I ask about what’s going on, then you’re welcome to tell me, but other than that, don’t talk to me about it. I won’t take sides. I won’t tell other people what’s going on. I’ll only act like nothing’s happening.

-SPOILERS. I will tag spoilers for everything that’s not in the anime. For example, if a post contains something in the BSD fandom that’s not in the anime, I will tag it. I doubt I will tag threads for spoilers, and if there’s a character that’s manga only I won’t tag it (ESPECIALLY if I write that character, like Daki.)

Romance Rules:

-NO SMUT. I can’t stress this enough. It’s not that I’m a minor (which I’m not), it’s that it makes me uncomfortable. You will never see smut on this blog. I’m fine with heavy make out scenes, but when the clothes start to come off is where I request a fade to black.

-I LOVE TO WRITE ROMANCE THREADS. I’m a pretty big hopeless romantic, as that’s where most of my muse is generated from. I may want to add a ship to our thread at some point, but will never force it.

-REFUSALS. NO pedofilia, NO incest, NO rape, or ANYTHING nasty like that. I understand that sometimes in writing dark situations occur, as some of these things are in my muses’ backstory. So, if you condom any of those things, I’m not going to block you. However, if you request to do any of that stuff with me, I’ll say no. Press the issue, I’ll hard block you. I shouldn’t have to hear you request it the first time, as it’s right here in my rules and that means you didn’t read them. But I’ll go easy until you cross a line.

-THERE MUST BE CHEMISTRY. Don’t bother trying to make a ship work that just won’t click, it’s a waste of time. But I’m more than willing to try things and see how they work..!!

Rules and things about me:

-I HAVE LOTS OF WRITING EXPERIENCE. I’ve been writing since I was maybe even seven years old, played games where I pretended to be a character irl since I was five, and have been actually roleplaying for approximately 7 years now. I’ve been roleplaying on Tumblr for almost three years now. I really love writing, you know?

-WARNING, I WRITE GORE. I tend to go into detail about pain, suffering, death, and just very demented topics. That’s just a warning. If you have a problem with that, you may not want to follow me…

-TAGGING. Gore, murder, suicide, and other dark and triggering things will be tagged, but swearing will not. I swear far too much for me to remember to tag it. Also, I don’t post NSFW images or threads on this blog, so don’t worry about that, but I will tag asks and memes that can be perceived as nsfw. I tag things like this (using death as an example): “tw: death”. If you have any triggers, PLEASE let me know so I can tag them. There’s always a chance I might forget about something, and if I do please tell me. I’ll make sure not to forget a second time. Also, I ask you all tag vomit mentions, even if it’s just written, and ESPECIALLY TAG VISUALS OF THROW UP!!!! That is my ONLY trigger. Thank you.

-RESPONDING TIME. I’m a college student, high school student, and I work, so my responding time isn’t what it used to be lol. Please don’t pressure me over that..!! I also post most threads via queue unless I just need to send it out ASAP. I won’t bother you if it takes a little while to reply. We all have lives outside of Tumblr!!

-I’M NOT GOING TO SEND IN PASSWORDS. It just adds to my anxiety, and I don’t like that. That’s why I don’t ever ask someone to send a password in and just ask that they like my rules post! Just know I will always read someone’s rules before interacting.

-I’M ALWAYS HERE IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. Honestly, I want to help! If something’s wrong and you want to tell me about it, I’m all ears. I hate being upset or depressed myself, so I like to try to make others feel better. It helps with my own sadness.

That’s all for right now..! Happy roleplaying~!!

like this post if you have read it and agree to it, please.

Hello! My name’s Kiki. There isn’t really much to say about me, except that I love to Roleplay!! That and write, of course. And draw. And sing. So I guess I love a lot of stuff lol. Also, I am diagnosed with ADD (attention-deficit disorder), so please bear with me..!! One last thing, I’m 18 as of 2020.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m right here and always accepting PMs!!

My main account is twx-sid3d, but I’m rarely ever on there so here is the best place to contact me. I also have a main multimuse blog over at @nycttophilic and an Identity V multimuse at @surviiived!!

Thanks for reading! Have a nice day~!