#ahahahahaaaaa sometimes i forget that there is in fact a name for this and i 110% HAVE IT

[socially-satanic]

"say a little prayer" mom i seriously thought after how many things you've already known about before i told you, you'd have figured out i do not believe in your god anymore by now. what else is "say a little prayer... really" supposed to mean? you think i still find comfort in your god? your god is LITERALLY top 5 one of my biggest triggers, your god gave me this anxiety and depression and not because he "made me" it's because of his perceived presence making me doubt every. single. action. i take. and right now i need confidence if i'm going to overcome the obstacles i'm facing!!

the worst part is that you probably don't even realize. you don't think about this shit. you still go to church almost every sunday. your husband only just stopped being an elder there (apparently "because he's too socially awkward and selfish" i fucking balked when he told me himself that he was a selfish person. how hypocritical to try to teach me all this shit and try to convince me i need to be my "best possible self in the eyes of our lord" and then tell me you're too selfish to listen to old people talk about their problems in your prayer meetings. at least he was being honest I GUESS.) it doesn't occur to you that casually mentioning your own religiousity throws me back to being 8 years old and worrying that if i disobey you, does that mean i've altered history, and that jesus will get an additional lashing in the past? worrying that i'm not a true believer because god won't talk to me when i'm alone in my bed at night, crying and begging and pleading for him to talk to me? among just. so many other things.

i don't know when or how i'm ever going to bring this up to you, mom. you've told me you don't think i could ever do or say anything that would make you stop loving me but i don't know if i can trust like that. but i also don't know if i can continue a conversation after you tell me to "say a little prayer" because my brain just SCREECHES to a halt. if we were having this conversation in person you would've seen it plastered across my face, the discomfort, the anger, the sadness, the dissconnection, the dissociation, the trying to conceal it all. one of these days you're gonna do that in person and i don't know how i'm gonna recover that thread of conversation without just dropping a huge load of trauma, for both of us, onto you, like a baby giraffe being dropped out of the birth canal. just a big wet massive heavy heap of it.

fucking. hell. and i still blame myself. "oh don't be so emotional over one little phrase, you could take that as in 'have hope'" but nah, nah.... nah my brain just kicks me in the gut i don't really have a choice on that until i've had more therapy.