#being bisexual is hard for us women living in a fucking patriarchy

[fanfictionroxs]

Fuck he reminded me that I am also attracted to men and not just evil women 🫣🥵

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

So it's time to try this at last.

let's start off by making sure everyone is aware that this Blog might offend you if so I'm sorry this means it's not for you so please don't hesitate to leave where you entered. NSFW warning ect ect

I will try to keep this as realistic as possible but unfortunately, I also would like to remain annon so will probably change names of people involved.

If you have stayed here then Hi my name is Magpie I'm a Neurodifferent person I was Cursed or Blessed with a battery of mental health problems I've tried my damndest to try to be accepted into society but alas it's hard so I'm gonna go for the anonymous approach at least for now.

I'm 34 and I guess you could say I'm like an emo Peter Pan i don't think I'm ever going to age past 14 mentally in a lot of parts of my life, but alas I've learned to live with that. I'm also told by people I'm like a puppy I get way to needy and excited when I see people and I'm usually hyperactive unfortunately I'm also 6ft3 covered in hair and morbidly obese.

I always thought I was bisexual growing up until I learned what demisexual was then I was certain I was Demi now I think somewhere between Demi and Poly. I know it's kind of a contradiction but it's where I feel I belong the most. I'm not usually sexually attracted to people IRL but I like porn Hentai and other art of a questionable nature I guess you could say. I can grow to be attracted to people IRL but usually, my attraction is to their minds and their personalities I know it sounds Cliched as fuck but I can't help who I am. I think I've met one person who can turn me on with ease and who I'm sexually attracted to look wise and she is in a relationship with someone else so yeah it's complicated. Its also the best thing that is going on in my life and I'm super happy for it, but I was also blessed with compersion to put that in its most simple form I'm able to ummmm I get off and respond positively to other people's happiness and pleasure even if I'm not directly involved.

My gender I guess could be akin to nonbinary, unfortunately, I am aware I have a penis and therefore am part of the patriarchy whether I want to be or not. I wish I was a girl but I also like being a male I just wish I didn't have gender if I'm honest but as the world likes to place us into boxes I understand the benefit to it but not always. i want to wear dresses and dress in pretty pastel colorful clothes and be fucked in the ass, I also want to wear flannel and jeans and be suited and booted and fuck girls as well, or at least I think I do Im not sure about how I am sexually it's a great confusion to me. but I also want to wear overalls and work out and be a manly man I don't really understand the construct of gender or how it honestly benefits humans but hey I know that Women are of more use to society than men. I understand why women feel unsafe when they walk home and men approach them because unfortunately, that's the world we live In. men a lot of the time it is in the moment and down to poor impulse control, whereas women are more planners and don't tend to give in to their impulses I sit somewhere in the middle of this. luckily I have a deep need for consent because I have been sexually assaulted in the past by relatives and staff members at a special needs school I went to.

my curses/blessings are as follows I have ADHD, I had Asperger syndrome before they renamed it when they realized the only thing that people like me should have in common with Nazis is our interest in trains. on a serious note, I hate the term Autism because it is too broad I went to a school for people who suffer from autism and they came in different shades of music we had the kids who would bite their hands and hit themselves in the head also the non-verbals and we had the high functioning ones. I'm one of the high-functioning ones unfortunate for me because I know what's happening and I can't really change who I am try as I might. then I also lucked out and got the trilogy people always say the best things are usually in trilogies right? BPD is an absolute mother fucker I hate it so much because I can see when I'm having BPD moments and I try to stop them but I can not its like watching a Crash and having your hand on the pause button unable to press it. I was blessed with others as well but I feel they are covered by the big 3 diagnoses. Fun fact I've wanted to die since I can remember I've not gone through with it but I've attempted to I'm a bit of a coward and am terrified what if next time I fail and end up paralysed?

[rantingcrocodile]

radblr will flame me for this but i don't like how bi women are split into febfems and bihets. lg and straight ppl arent split because of who they date. im on the fence about becoming a febfem and im lonely 🙁

Who cares what biphobes think?

What's particularly harmful is that there's this belief that if a bisexual woman doesn't label herself a "febfem," then she must be a gross bihet, and it's just not true. (Plus, it goes against everything that feminism stands for. A bisexual woman in the closet with a male partner is still bisexual and still oppressed for being bisexual, just like a woman who is a white, straight and celibate entrepreneur who is rich thanks to her own innovation with no ties to a man is still oppressed for being a woman. We know it’s wrong to pit woman against woman, but it’s both encouraged and accepted to pit bisexual against bisexual. It shouldn’t be this hard, but this is how deliberate and malicious biphobes actually are.)

It's surrounded by the myth that "febfem" means "mostly SSA-attracted" when it encompasses any bisexual woman who only wants to date women, whether they're mostly-OSA-leaning or not. But then the mostly-SSA-bisexual women are used as a shield to pretend that individual manifestations of bisexuality are somehow different sexualities altogether, when in reality it's nothing but politicisation of bisexuality and an excuse to pit bisexuals against each other.

If you want to only date women, that's good and I support you! But please don't label yourself a "febfem." I guarantee that you'll end up internalising more biphobia, since this space really does promote the idea that the word "bisexual" in regards to women automatically means "available to men and incapable of not having a man and centring men," which is a specific instance of biphobic misogyny.

I mean, look at the "bisexuals and lesbians and febfems" and how it was against the rules to be homophobic, but not a peep about biphobia being against the rules.

I’m definitely not “anti-febfem” when it comes to individuals, because I genuinely believe that the majority have been sold a biphobic lie and have internalised biphobia that they need to work through and I’ll always be there for them, but I am definitely “anti-febfem” as far as micro-labelling, politicisation of bisexuality, the pitting of bisexuals against each other, the denial that biphobia in general is the issue that we face and not simply “homophobia lite,” the biphobic misogyny etc etc etc is concerned.

The bottom line is that I’m pro-all bisexuals and I’m a feminist that believes that it’s safer for women to partner with other women (or stay single), but I also accept that there will be bisexual women who partner with men and they need just as much support because they’re bisexuals too, and the basis of our oppression is our bisexuality, not who we happen to jump into bed with.

Reducing us to who we want to date and fuck means that we’re forever sexualised and seen as nothing more than extensions of our partner’s sexuality. It’s dehumanising and wrong, and it breaks my heart that so few bisexual women see it, and so few other feminists acknowledge it, especially when those very same women are adept at analysing patriarchy and other forms of female oppression.

They’re more than capable of understanding all of this. They just choose not to because they hate us or because they hate themselves.

Being a “febfem” might be a band aid against some biphobia now, but it won’t last very long. It’s better to face a harsh truth now and live in reality than to let yourself sink into a pretty lie that’ll eventually be ripped out from under you.

[vancos]

i spent a long time dealing with comphet and the fear of being the stereotype of "a bisexual is actually lesbian and it was just a phase" so i didn't address my sexuality for actual years despite knowing the truth deep, deep in the back of my head.

i told myself that i was polyam (which i am,) but because i wanted a gf AND a bf, because a gf could be there for romantic/sexual reasons, and i would have a bf simply bc i couldn't give up the idea that i should or could have a bf.

lesbians go through *so much* just to get to the point where we feel like we're ALLOWED to be who we are, that we're not losing something or betraying people by accepting that we're lesbians.

there is a different process than for other people, because we have to go through so much more than accepting attraction to women. we have to deal with the fact that we are not attracted to men. we have to accept that we don't have to be, that we don't need to be, and nothing horrible will happen or be lost when we accept that.

and it's HARD, even in lgbt circles. part of my comphet was quite literally reinforced in queer spaces by a combination of other ppl projecting their comphet + misogyny. there are huge sections of the queer community that still treat lesbians and questioning lesbians like we're weird for not liking men, and they centralize everything around men still.

lesbians do not have it easy. the process of accepting ourselves is not fucking easy. spaces are not made welcoming for us, not even within the community half the time; and frankly, people who aren't lesbians are COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to that fact.

it's hard to be aware of the difficulties other people face that you don't, and often i think its exacerbated by the fact that a lot of non lesbian sapphics don't like to think there is a difference between us. but there is. lesbians do have experiences and difficulties and face alienation that other people do not face, or do not face in the same way at all.

and when misoginy is piled on top of everything...the simple fact is that the world was designed for men, around men, centralizing men. and people who have men in their lives, in their sexualities (which is not a bad thing at all, I'm not shaming,) literally cannot comprehend how extremely difficult it is to exist in a world where you don't like men. and there are very barely any spaces that make room for people who don't like men, or even take us into consideration.

and I'm not saying this as "ah people who like men are more privileged than us!" because everyone in the community faces their own specific difficulties; but believe me when i say, lesbians are given far less room for exploration, self acceptance, and safety. those are the things we struggle with.

it's even commonly observed that the default assumption for queer people is that all men - even bi men - are assumed gay, and all women are assumed bi (for male attention, by the worst people.) because it's not about a hierarchy of lgbt oppression, it's about addressing the fact that sexism and the patriarchy exists even within the lgbt and it affects lesbians very much in particular.

lesbians need room to talk about this shit without getting shouted out for "competing" with oppression. its not a comparison to point out that our experiences are just different!! and i can't talk about those differences for other communities because I'm not in them. but the fact that i also can't talk about my OWN experience of difference from other queer people without being told to shut up quite literally proves my point.

please take the time to listen to listen to lesbians. i hope all of you have lesbians in your life that you CAN listen to. ask about what they deal with, the difficulties they face, what makes spaces unwelcoming for them. learn what's different, and see if you can make changes in your behavior, consideration, and spaces to help.

change and understanding has to start within the community, among people we consider to be allies first.

[misterbitches]

hi @yeedak thank you so m uch for replying with what you did. YAY ADHD!!!!! ur partner sounds like she rocks >:)  as do u

i found it really illuminating and i agree with all of it. and god as much as i understand reticence when black people are interracially dating (it is so hard) i also hate it when people dictate it and also to a degree that it makes it extremely uncomfortable for the person themselves. to me it really is about a sense of control particularly if you are a woman. constantly trying to pick someone’s life partner for them instead of letting them find out if it’s a) something they want or even want to do b) something they can handle and c) their experience. it can purely cultural as well. my mom is a black american but my father is nigerian and that was basically a sin. however my father’s siblings? the women who had to marry extremely quickly and had to be with nigerian men or at the very least african? divorced. because they had to clamor for love for approval, pop out babies, and look what that got them. i totally understand you and  your mother. and you’re right about all of it.

the idea of a man whore is so funny to me too because it’s not about sexual liberation it’s literally about them wanting to use people as disposable which is why sexual liberation for women as well can be confusing. but all of this isn’t so we can develop our own imaginations and find out our own inhibitions. like you said in all of it and i found this part very very interesting and true, “youth is for sex and no mention of asexuality.” when you get older you are not sexual, when you are a child you are unsure about it, but there’s a time in our lives where we shouldn’t waste it, where it’s only acceptable in that window, where it’s dictated. tangentially i think it’s very funny that the people we sleep with also become a point of pride. let’s say if he is a man (as a bisexual~**~ gorl) but he’s ugly, i should be ashamed, too?

so much boxing in and pushing and dictating. they really are here to spread a message. and i know things ar ehard. i can believe people ask you that but it’s still so.....weird? i remember saying something about my sexuality once and it’s not like i knew the people but then they started asking me questions and i honestly felt embarrassed and like an outsider. i dunno.

and your analogy of a mirror was perfect woaaaaaaah that’s what im gonna say now thank you so much credit to you. gENIUS!!! as real life changes, what we see changes. but media doesnt come first.

also totally agree about watching what people consume and not falling into those patterns. and when “bad” things are shown i do not understand why shows are so scared to show them as they are or not romanticize. a real issue to introduce when it comes to age gaps would be why it is frequent in the lgbtq+ community. that is a real thing because when you have to hide yourself of course you can be stuck in a state of arrested development and trying to re-establish times you may never have. that’s a geniuine fear and concern, it’s understandable even if i don’t particularly care for it, but it’s like for these writeres there’s no reason to look deeply or put that into their story. so why are they doing it? and what is the message here? uGH. and what ur mother said makes so much sense we are just constantly absorbing all these messages and culture absolutely aids to it and you’re right about the generations. and sometimes things stop and start but i genuinely think (and know) that for us to continue forward and not have the constant backwards taht means we have to push to get there and demand and that also means we have to make an effort to end the harm we then see on screen. rape culture dictates these shows. it relies on it. it is disgusting but rape culture is the norm, the norm is the oppression so we have to attack it otherwise it sticks and htat’s exactly why we see what we see.

and the unacceptability of gender fluidity is what keeps the genre SO INFLEXIBLE sincerely. it honestly just pulls so heavily from patriarchy and the roles in which we have to follow to uphold that structure. 

it’s really just not enough to show us things any more wihtout taking it into consideration. and like ive mentioned there’s soooooooooo much media that has a lot to say that embeds itself. there’s this thing my friend linked me to on re-examining queerness in korean cinema (much like my dad’s country; patriarchal, more “conservative, anti lgbtq+, reliant on capital. africa is different because of the blackness component but the structures aided by colonialism absolutely remain and continue and that’s how we see such similarities. thse countries are more “overt” in this output but still you know. america. sucks) because we are trying to re-evaluate what it means to be heard and seen. the different ways and sort of the message that a lot of us as lgbtq+ can feel. you know, how we can get a feeling on if a person has our same experience, how we kind of have to learn to identify that. not sure if this makes sense...

your mom sounds really cool. and i’m fucking sorry. so many men do that. i live with both my parents but even then i see this power imbalance i can’t stand and you know i would have believed it was normal if i wasnt able to learn aand had to build up thinking skills. there was one day that it hit me that there are parts of my parents relationship i abhor, that are imbalanced, that make me find my father disgusting and make me ashamed of my mother. i don’t want that to happen to me or my potential children. if i have a male partner for life, which i am sure i will because offffffff heteronormativity and homophobia and being half black american half nigerian, he cannot recreate that. i am optimistic on what people can do without needing such grand structures or the support of the elite etc you know? that’s how we know there’s good work that exists and people we can find that arent with the status quou!!! 

and who want a better world. we have to know we can rally that together. i think part of that is constant demanding of things to do better. there’s a rage against the machine song called settle for nothing and it’s about 0 compromise. there’s a famous quote i dont remember by who that’s basically like there’s an idea that there’s a limit to asking for dignity and what you deserve because when people realize they can live better lives they want to cultivate that more and more but that means a loss of control and a sharing of power from the top. nothing is ever enough if it can be better and we are allowed to demand it (or take it.) we deserve the world, we are being told that we’re asking fo rtoo much. are we? really? 

i was thinking about the children thing as well bc...lmao i was so tightly contorlled as a child and it really messed me up but at the same time, like you, i honestly do not want my children watching drivel. like even with youtube. a friend of mine said that what she thinks she will do is try and hammer home how fantastical these things are, they do not reflect reality, and to get them to understand the spectacle. at the same time i’m like does a child really need to watch these dumb tiktok stars or jake paul? but then im like i really dont want to control them. but like what if ur kid asks u to go to some like fucking BL concert or some shit like what do you say to that?!??! I DONT WANNA SAY NO BUT AT THE SAME TIME UHHHHlmao but at the same time we have to give them tools to analyze and do the right things and follow their hearts

however,

as you know

LOL

tysm for responding, lovely talking to you and hearing your thoughts!!!

oh btw so u r from kashmar? that is very cool......VERY COOL

[a-woman-apart]

Separating the Boys from the Men

Yes, that title is click bait, and if you keep reading, you’ve been warned. I’ve got a lot to get off my chest, and it’s going to involve defending masculinity, femininity, and our right to BEHAVE LIKE CHILDREN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES because in many ways, we already do. 

Let’s get straight to the point. As Millennials, regardless of our age, financial status, or level of “success” (air quotes 100% intentional) we have been accused of being lazy, entitled, and way too enthusiastic about avocado toast. At the same time, we have been described as having enough power to decimate the napkin industry, the diamond industry, and the concept of traditional marriage. We have been accused of a collective “Peter Pan” syndrome, because we “refuse” to cut off papa’s apron strings and get off the proverbial mama’s teats. 

Wonderful to know. 

Let’s unpack the “lazy” bit. Supposedly, this is tied to the fact that we have access to higher education, we [often, not always] have parents who financially support or house us well into adulthood. 

So now, my question is, Gen X (the entitled ones, ironically) and Salty Boomers, YOU DIDN’T? 

What do you call that “inheritance” you received? What do you call that education your parents paid for that was less than 1/3 what we have to pay? For Boomers, how do you explain the lavish weddings, cheap [and apparently nuke proof] home appliances, and “nights out on the town” that you were able to afford by working at whatever passed for a McDonald’s back in the day? Working on a farm, at a grocery store, or in retail used to ACTUALLY provide a livable wage; for us, those are a “side hustle” and we still have to get a “big boy job” that usually requires an education that can put us over $100,000 in debt by age 30. 

Hate to say it, but if you hadn’t made most of your income “during the War” or in  the absolute economic boom that followed it, you wouldn’t survive 24 hours in our shoes before having an emotional collapse.  

Despite the disastrous living conditions of the U.S. in the 21st Century, not much has changed in how men define their level of “manliness.” 

Financial gains (stocks, bonds, portfolio, bank account) 

Bro “gains” (a.k.a. “gym gains”, how “Gaston” they are, including whether they want to go for the Adonis, Apollo, or Brawny boi look, or just how far they can throw something or how “boyish” they look if strength isn’t an option and they suffer from femme-levels of body dysmorphia) 

Body count (since we’re in a time of peace and not literally war, this is LITERALLY a modern term describing how many people you’ve slept with, and I have never heard an adult man, regardless of sexual orientation, who isn’t a little concerned about putting those notches in the bed post, and if not that, VERY concerned about his bedroom performance: it’s quality vs. quantity) 

Kill death Ratio (I know this is a video game term now, but did you know that before video games, men in England used to regularly get on horseback, get a bunch of hounds together, and chase down tiny foxes and rabbits? FOR FUN?!?!? Did you know, that before modern sports ((including Esports)), men used to just fight to the death, regularly, even if an official war wasn’t going on? It was known as “dueling”, and in less socially developed societies, men still behave like this. So the next time you complain about “male rage” and how heartless it is to make live chickens fight, note that even though we’ve quelled male anger and hostility on some level, you will NEVER be able to take away man’s urge to destroy. Boys and men will always like knocking things over, building things from the rubble, and ruling shit. It’s what they do-- and we women can and do, too, but we have a LOT more risk-aversion and self-preservation, which is a blessing and a curse for our species-- but we just need to make sure humanity as a whole stays...chill)

So what, say ye, has changed about how WOMEN define themselves now vs. in the past. I would say that very little has changed, but the level of internalized misogyny, insecurity, and good-old fashioned denial has SKYROCKETED. 

Let’s look at some terms of how the majority of women value themselves. 

Financial Security (few women will admit to “wanting to be rich”, because that sounds kind of “Trump”, but plenty will talk about having minimum income requirements for their partner(s), wanting to retire at a young age so they can “travel the world”, wanting to eliminate their debts, etc. It’s different language but essentially it translates to: I want to work so hard or marry into so much wealth that I never want to worry about money after age 35. #Hustle) 

Looks (it doesn’t matter if you want a Kardashian butt, you’re in the body positivity movement, or you just want to “dress like a bawse” women are just as obsessed with clothes, image, and body weight/shape/size as they ever were, it is just that now that we’ve “slain the patriarchy” we have more fashion options than ever before, because “boy clothes” are just as “in” as femme ones)

Ability to attract a partner (some women, like me, “chase”, but thanks to biology, most women, regardless of sexual orientation, seem to enjoy being pursued more than being Artemis-style hunters. This is evidenced by the fact that when the feminist owner of Bumble changed the rules of the dating website to where women had to start conversations with men rather than vice versa ((a move that had ostensibly zero effect on lesbian matching)) 72% of women that she later surveyed stated that they liked it better when men were approaching them rather than the other way around. I am sure Bumble’s female CEO was shook ((as was I)), especially because she made the change to empower women, and apparently 72% of women didn’t want the power because it meant they now had the power to face rejection, and it made them uncomfortable. Big yikes. So much for #EndPatriarchy and #ChivalryisDead ?)

Playing house (this is probably going to get me some unfollows, but I’ll take my chances. Women, regardless of sexual orientation, often seem to be REALLY into having babies or just “playing house.” There’s also men like this, too, “Family men” as they’re aptly called, men in love with fatherhood ((or just being called “daddy”, and that will never not be weird)). So many women who never want to pop out a baby describe being taken by an OVERWHELMING urge to fuck during their “fertile window” ((or is that just me?)) and seeing every baby alive as the cutest human being ever once we pass the tender age of 25. The biological clock is REAL, and I learned the hard way that being bisexual and having immense fear of pregnancy and childbirth didn’t spare me from the awful truth of my biology. 

I really don’t want to keep making references to modern video games, but they seem to serve the dual purpose of being deeply satisfying and helping us to quell “problematic” urges, including that one to dominate and destroy the world. For a lot of women gamers, though, our choices ((on a broad scale, every #girlgamer is different)) deviate from men’s in some interesting ways. 

#1: We still love The Sims Franchise way more than guys do 

Not only do we love it, but while a lot of men (again, #notallmen) tend to build elaborate neighborhoods to extensively mod and destroy them in terrifying ways, I still see women gamers taking obscene amounts of time to design homes, raise happy little families, and cause TERRIFYING blood feuds by having Sims marry Sims from rival families ((I guess we’re more Shakespeare than we thought, eh ladies?))

#2: We make up most of mobile gaming

Most male gamers think mobile games “aren’t real” and I tend to agree, but a mobile game is invaluable for when I, a woman, have time to kill between the 3 jobs I hypothetically have and I and don’t want to whip out something like a Nintendo 2DS that is both unwieldly and attracts the eyes of every impoverished, thieving human being in a .5 mile radius. #RiskAversion. These games are often low-quality, mindless, and insanely easy, but that is WHY WE LIKE THEM. Our entire life is a job. #Hustle

#3 We also love farming sims and RPGs

While we-- and most male Millennials-- beg god to not have to birth calves, milk cows, or labor in the tomato fields under the hot sun, most of us have no objection to having our virtual avatars perform the same back-breaking tasks to the tune of cheerful chiptune music. Also, even though men definitely enjoy them, too, I have never met a woman gamer who didn’t enjoy a nice RPG; why do you think we’re such avid readers of fantasy/romance YA? 

We want to be transported to a different world, and if you won’t take us there, we’re happy to go there virtually ((because we probably can’t afford travel; we’re still millennials)). 

Ability to murder people who threaten our young or our partner(s) (Okay this one is a bit more complicated, but I’m just going to tell you a bit about female animals. DON’T MESS WITH THEIR BABIES IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. Human females, are, in that regard, just as savage, if not more so, than our male counterparts. 

I’ve never heard of any woman ((outside of prison, maybe)) who killed another woman for “looking at her weird” or saying “your mama” too many times. I’ve heard plenty of women threaten literal murder because another woman ((or man, we’re #progressive)) came too close to her romantic/sexual partner, or another human being threatened harm on our kids or our “squad.” 

I don’t know where the meme truly originated from, but “Don’t talk to me or my son ever again” is SUCH a Mom thing to say. So much misandry is wrapped up in the idea that men are predators, and that is true, but not in the excessively sexually deviant ways you think ((that’s only sometimes true)). They just like hunting things, including people, but if you give them a toy to play with ((I MEAN ACTUAL TOY OMG)) they seem alright. Let them go play with their cars, Xbox, [insert whatever] or something. They’re men, okay, they’re easily distracted/impressed/occupied. 

Women, on the other hand, have seemed to be having an EXTREME amount of trouble curbing that baby-making urge, or the Excessive Nurturing Urge, that one that makes you ask your grown husband if he’s remembered to pack lunch for work or if he remembered to pack money for his playdate with his bros, because he’s gonna need money at Six Flags and you aren’t going to bring it to him because he should’ve remembered, you reminded him 30093390 times. 

THAT’S NOT HIS FAULT. HE HAS MANAGED BY SOME MIRACLE TO STAY ALIVE FOR 33 YEARS. THAT’S YOU, SWEETIE. STOP BEING SUCH A MOM. GO BE A NURSE, DOCTOR, OR SOCIAL WORKER OR SOMETHING OMG. 

In summary...

What separates the “men from the boys” or the “women from the girls” isn’t the era that we were born in to, our economic status, or whether we’ve been able to “conquer” our biology. That’s definitely not possible yet, chiefly because transhumanism involves a lengthy, ethics-guided process, and even if we all turn into cyborgs, the goal is to become BETTER humans, not LESS humane. Societal advancements have done more in terms of making us healthier, less destructive citizens of planet earth than raw technology ever can and ever will. Rapid technological advancement, when not combined with respect for morality, ethical standards of living for humans and all other life forms, almost always leads to human slavery, widespread abuse of animals, sex trafficking, and environmental destruction, because the “rules of supply and demand”, when not governed by strong international trade laws, dictate that consumers should be supplied with whatever they demand, because the suppliers can profit, and their right to profit should be defended at any cost. 

So, in summary, I believe that “adulting” involves giving up on entitlement. What separates a truly childish human being-- regardless of their actual age-- from someone who is, in essence, “adulting” is experience, and how much those experiences serve to broaden that person’s perspective. It is an extremely childish, self-centered view, to think that you “deserve” anything for being “a good person” or, in the case of many a “woman child” or “man child” in media and in real life, just being “not so bad.” 

Grown-ups are able and willing to do something that is known as “delaying gratification” which is the simple ability to delay a temporary pleasure for a long-term gain. Grown-ups are also able to perform true “cost-benefit analyses” to determine if a course of action, business deal, or even relationship is worth their time and effort. Finally, grown-ups are able and willing and able to make an informed choice and stick to it; in essence, we don’t try to “have our cake and eat it too” we understand that once we’ve eaten that cake, the cake is gone, but we also realize that if we are willing to work hard and make sacrifices, we can earn the ingredients to make ourselves another cake to eat, even if we might need a lot of help from other adults in getting those ingredients (we call this teamwork and cooperation). 

Children, on the other hand (in literal and metaphorical terms), are very impatient. They get angry when things don’t go their way, and instead of taking the steps needed to improve their situation, they storm off and return home. It doesn’t matter if their home is with their parents, with their 3 roommates, or with their husband or wife, these people throw tantrums, refuse to communicate/cooperate, and stew in their displeasure until someone feels sorry for them and fixes their problem for them. They lack the ability to work through daily life problems and refuse to take any responsibility for how their actions or inaction contributed to their dilemma. 

There is one difference with an actual human child or teen, though, is that they have an excuse. Their brains are still developing, and they haven’t had the chance to live through these situations yet; these are new challenges to them. Even if they do have a “bad attitude”, with help from peers and patients, principled adult mentors and teachers, these cantankerous kids can grow into well-adjusted, able adults. The high levels of neuroplasticity in their brains actually make it so that it is easier for them to accept large amounts of sensory data and to learn from processing and practicing using it.

An “adult child” is someone who, more often than not, has been coddled instead of challenged. These people have often faced no significant hardships in life. There is a reason why, even after we have recognized the immense downsides of authoritarian parenting and have demonstrated psychological harms of corporal punishment for kids, we still call “bad kids” and “irresponsible adults” spoiled. 

Authoritarianism produces rigid, scared people who often struggle with critical thinking and self-esteem or end up being authoritarian parents themselves, but that last one is actually one of the less likely options. Children of authoritarian parents often develop Borderline Personality Disorder or become defiant against authority (shocker). Overly permissive or overly neglectful parenting, though, are parental styles most associated with producing narcissists, who often become authoritarian parents, because when their kids challenge them, they completely lack the patience or emotional capacity to deal with it and resort to “because I said so”, stonewalling and/or physical abuse as forms of “character-building.” 

The reason why overly permissive parents spoil their kids is because kids actually do need discipline and guidance, and so these kinds of parents produce kids who are outwardly capable and confident but completely lack any of the life skills to justify it, and when they ask their parents for advice they are just met with a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo or told to just avoid the conflict rather than resolve it. These kids grow into adults who are still sad little kids inside, because they never grew up, but now they’re sad little kids who are articulate and well-spoken and now can-- and often have no choice-- but to con their way through adult life because they’ve maxed out Charisma and they have almost no points in Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom, or Dexterity.

The only parenting style worse than Authoritarian and Neglectful/Permissive is Mixed, in which a child grows up in a COMPLETELY unpredictable environment where the rules of the game change from day to day, and parents either give their children no attention at all, or they practically lock them up and throw away the key. Being raised like this is associated with the worse outcomes for the child throughout life. 

So, why am I now talking about parenting styles? Because, for all that we love to trash Boomers and large swaths of Gen X on this page, we can’t forget where they came from, so we cannot allow them to forget WHO THEY MADE. It isn’t an accident that even though we live in the times of incredible economic hardship, WE are the generation (and Gen Z, to some extent) that got hooked on reality TV, video games, and social media in incredibly unhealthy ways. A lot of us 30+ millennials are growing out of it, and a lot of us have realized that it is an invaluable (and damn near unavoidable) way of marketing our products and talents. We’re often self-employed because that’s our only option in most cases. 

The issue with Gen Z (who, while we called “Zoomers” now just all themselves “Doomers” and I think we should be a bit concerned about that) is that unlike us, they have no memory of “Before the Internet.” We remember dial up, we remember before that when you played outside untl the sun went down. They don’t have the privilege of being linked to that history. 

Now, we have to be the Bigger Person. It’s our time to be Grown-Ups. Gen Z feels really fucking lost right now, and hearing us whine about our parents probably makes them pretty pissed off, when some of us older millennials are the parents, aunts/uncles, and older siblings to Gen Z kids. Even if we can’t be mentors, we have to lead by example, because we have a responsibility to these kids. A lot of them aren’t stupid, they see exactly what’s happening and they feel incredibly hopeless about it. Greta Thunberg is still 16 years old. She shouldn’t be out there doing that; I mean seriously, climate change is accelerating, but it isn’t even as bad as Al Gore said, it’s still reversible, but the fact that SHE FELT SHE HAD TO makes us shitty people. ALL OF US. 

So you know, we all need to stop being hypocrites. We need to stop being entitled. We need to stop thinking this is about us. It isn’t. Not even close. We’re not important, even if our videos go viral or if we’re swimming in cash next to hot models by a huge swimming pool. America’s fucked up. I hate to sound Republican, but it’s because of our values. We suck at valuing what’s important, and if we don’t change that soon, it’s really going to suck to live in America. 

It already does.  

[werevulvi]

I don't think I've ever made an in depth post here about where my views really lie, in terms of not just gender identity/trans stuff, but gender and sex as a whole in society. Where my radfem views basically kinda mesh with MRA views. Because it's kinda difficult to put into words. But I want to try. So that you all will know who it is you're actually following. So, I wanna start off with a disclaimer that I will be using certain words and terminology that might make you frown, but please try to see those words as loose descriptions rather than as fixed labels.

I still think that radfem is what lies closest to what my views can be labeled as, if any label at all, as I agree with majority of it. However, there is an MRA twist to them. So to start off... I dunno where to start, but... patriarchy? Yes, how about that! Then let's just ramble on from there. Do I think there is a patriarchy? Yes, I do. I think what's generally called "male socialisation" is inherently destructive to women as a class, and that "female socialisation" is also inherently destructive to women. It raises men above women which takes away our agency and much of our freedom. It exploits us sexually and makes us not only get the short stick biologically but also socially. This is what I generally view as patriarchy. A world of men dominating and controlling women, a rape culture, if you may.

However, what I see, that I don't think most radfems even acknowledge, let alone agree with, is that this patriarchal system is almost as bad for men as it is for women. It assumes men as inherently awful with no chance of redemption, perpetuating basically what's called "original sin" - yet men are taught that they're disposable, only useful if they make a ton of money and sacrifice themselves and their livelihood for women and children. That is an immense burden, and this is where my MRA views come in. I view the world of men and women kinda like this: Imagine an inner circle and an outer circle. In the inner circle are women, protected yet exploited by men, objectified and hold to lesser value, as housewifes, sex objects and baby-making machines, yet don't have as high expectations to contribute in the world. They don't have to go to war, or work themselves to an early grave, they don't have to sacrifice their lives for the opposite sex. But they do have to sacrifice their freedom and their bodies, for men and for reproduction. This is a heavy burden for women to bear.

And in the outer circle are men, having more freedom, yet higher expectations to contribute in the world, as money-makers, disposable soldiers, etc. They are expected to keep the world running and never complain. They are equally as useless unless they perform their reproductive role too, and as disposable slave workers. They are less likely to face sexual and emotional abuse, but are far more likely to face virtually every other kinda abuse. They have tried to fight this injustice, like women have fought against theirs, for as long and as relentlessly, but there is less empathy for men. There always has been. Their struggle is not taken as seriously, because it is less visible. They appear to have it all, but they really don't, and those who do, fought through hell to achieve that.

Men have a biological and social advantage, yes... but for a very heavy price. A price which I don't see many women particularly willing to pay, for those advantages. A MGTOW on youtube once explained that "inner vs outer circle" thing, and... it changed my world view. Since that point I've been on and off between feminism and MRA, because deep down I know he was right. Both MRA's and feminists are right, and that's probably why they cannot work together, nor fold for the other. Nor should they! Maintaining these ideologies as opposites, as enemies, is causing far more problems than either of them are solving, I think.

On a personal note... I am willing to pay that price, for getting the opportunities that men have. Since my transition, I have been made gravely aware of that price that men pay to be successful and considered valuable. Men are NOT seen as more valuable than women. They gain value by working their asses off and making huge sacrifices along that way. If they don't... they're useless neckbeards, "beta males" or homeless with nothing at all. Women also have to put work in and make huge sacrifices to be seen as valuable. Namely, they have to sacrifice their autonomy and their dreams to be caregivers and mothers. That's a heavy price too, but women can't ever become as useless and without value as men can. Albeit horrific, women have intrinsic value in our reproductive ability, but men (according to patriarchy/society) do not have any intrinsic value. They HAVE TO work for their value.

Having said that... I no longer give a shit who has it worse, men or women.

Both suffer under this horribly dehumanising system, which is patriarchal, yes, but it's more so heteronormative. Because it all comes down to our crap biology. Because here's the thing and you may not like reading this, because this where I think MRA's are especially right, which is where I’ll probably lose most feminists: Males are biologically driven to reproduce fast and effectively. They make a ton of sperm and if they don't try to knock up as many females as possible, their genes will get lost and they'll have no family to raise. Their biological value as individuals is dependent on this. Their biological role is miniscule when it comes to breeding, so they try to make up for it by being financial providers and offering protection to females whom are physically weaker and more susceptible to harm.

Females are biologically driven to be selective with their reproduction, because if they're not, they'll go through traumatic pregnancy and childbirth for basically nothing. Females really need to make sure they pick the best genes, and their biological value is dependent on this. Which creates a huge clash between male and female goals, a constant battle hunt of prey vs predator. And that is what creates a rape culture, of males aggressively hunting females for their vaginas, and females desperately protecting their vaginas from useless genetics, bodily harms and getting pregnant too much for their bodies to handle.

This is not just about humans, hence why I wrote males and females, but practically all mammal species. What happens with humans is that we've evolved a little from our primal instincts and intellectualise our existence, and what's the meaning of life. But we still have our biological instincts, and this is what led us to create more complex societies than other mammals do, but these societies are still very similar to most other mammals' equally patriarchal, heteronormative, systems of gender roles. Men did not create this. Nature did. Beautiful, flawless, wonderous... mother nature, damned us all. Patriarchy is not a coincidence, nor a human creation at all. Our societies may be social constructs, but they are based on our reproductive instincts, which have been with us since long before we even became homo sapien.

I get angry when I write/think about all that. Not because "you're all dumb to not get this" or anything like that, but because this hierarchy seen in almost all mammals, including humans... is unavoidable and cannot be fixed. It's an unfortunate outcome of how sexually dimorphic species are biologically built to breed and continue their species. And that is what makes it so upsetting, so aggrevating, so insidious. Because no matter how much feminism, men's rights movements, LGBT communities, humanitarians, socialists and whatever the fuck it all... females will always be at a biological disadvantage, and males will always be at an biological advantage. We can't fix that. Which means, we can't fix patriarchy. Then why even bother? Why try to fight for female liberation, if patriarchy and rape cultures are unavoidable and unfixable? That's what comes down to morals, values, what we want and wish and dream. That matters, it always will, no matter the outcome! I think the world can still be made better than how it is today, especially in third world countries, and that male aggression can be better controlled. I think more choices can be opened up, for both sexes, and that the gender roles can be made less restrictive. And I think that's worth fighting for, even if it's a far cry from feminism's ultimate goal. But I need to also stay realistic and have a plan B, which is to figure out how to thrive, as an individual woman, in this patriarchal rape culture.

And my way of doing so is to try my best to live mostly as a man, taking all the shit men get, for the price of climbing higher up the ladder and avoiding (some of) the disadvantages of being recognisably female - but still take on the female roles that I want for myself, such as motherhood, and take the risks that come with that too. I don't have everything figured out yet, and I don't know what kinda relationship I want yet. But I'm starting to think that maaaybe I would benefit more from taking advantage of the straight privilege I have with my bisexuality, a more pragmatic approach... and get myself a decent househusband, for more convenient breeding. I would like to date another woman again, don't get me wrong, but that feels a bit unfit for my goals, unfortunately. I don’t wanna make hard shit even harder for myself, when it can be avoided.

Love... isn't my main driving factor in relationships anymore. Although I'm gonna need to think it through VERY properly, if I really think that setting love aside for a more practical partner arrangement, is actually a good idea. Regardless, however, I do have attraction to men, but even straight women can marry for practicality and end up miserable and abused because of it. So it has nothing much to do with sexual orientation on that point, but it does in the sense that homosexual marriage can't really be made for practicality. Marrying for practicality is an extremely heteronormative move to make, and one that has been used against homosexuality for centuries, to force gay people into straight marriage. This makes me... extremely uncomfortable and angry, on behalf of all gay people out there, of course.

Yet... I am intrigued by the idea for myself only, as I see the option of marriage from more angles than I used to. I still think marriage should of course be for love as well, and I would never want to choose for others why or whom they should marry, or not marry. That whole dream I have might also be taking on a way too heavy burden and responsibility on my already crumbling shoulders, to aim at being both the provider and a mother, but I want both those things, so it might be worth it. And with that said, having a useful, good, respectful and resourceful husband might be more important to me personally, than any cute frumpy lump of a dude that I just so happen to fall in love with. (But I also wanna point out that my goals and dreams have been switching a lot lately, so please take this sudden, baffling idea of mine with a grain of salt. I'm gonna focus on getting my own ass together first, before I even consider handing it over to someone else again, and I have a lot to work on.) However, say if I'll end up going that route, that is me basically playing into the hands of patriarchy, for the price of getting the best life I can give myself in a broken world which cannot be fixed. I'm not saying my goals are in any way somehow universally favourable. You do you, I do me.

But at the same time I also wanna be inspirational, especially for other women, but in general too. I'll prove to the lot of you that despite being considered a "hopeless case" irrevokably mentally disabled, I'll goddamn make myself into a money-making baby-maker AND a goddamn awesome one at that. I won't give up on my dreams of having a job, financial and emotional stability, and a child. I also won't "correct" myself to fit into the beauty norms of women. I will continue to refuse getting fake tits, laser hair removal, feminising voice training, feminine clothing, makeup, etc. I'm slowly accepting, embracing and coming to terms with being a manly, masculine or even transmasculine, proud woman. And you wanna know why it matters to feminism? Because if I can be a woman, looking like this, living like this... then ALL other gnc females can too. Because not to brag or anything, but I don't think anyone else has taken being gnc quite as far as me before. Almost everywhere I go, I am considered "too masculine" to even be a woman, despite being female, which is a problem that to varying degress affects all gnc females, but I will work hard to change that. And if I succeed to... I'll be paving one fuck of a path for all gnc women after me. You're welcome, sisters.

Furthermore, regardless of my own heterocentric breeding fantasies and whether I make them real or not, I will absolutely continue to stand up and fight for gay, and especially lesbian, rights. No one should be forced, coerced or otherwise shoved into heterosexual stuff against their will, including "girldicks" and "boypussies" - and yes, I will die on that hill. I listen, I hear you, and I will help you spread your word. To wrap it up: So I do CARE about feminism, and trying to make the world a better place by trying to reduce the harm and being a good example in some ways, and I take a very similar approach as radical feminists. I just have a bit of an MRA leaning to my view on patriarchy, which does NOT make that patriarchy any more favourable. I also have a heck of a lot more pessimism about the future prospects of humanity's... own goddamn demise. I'm a nihilist at heart, what can I say? I may love women more... but I don't hate men. No matter how badly many of them have hurt me. No matter how much my c-ptsd makes me fear them. I wanna work with men for a better world that should benefit all of us, not work against them. Yes, I will sleep with the enemy... both figuratively and literally.

[bigtittyhimmler-blog]

Who Goes Nazi? Brooklyn Edition

If you’re anything like me, a twenty-something Twitter leftist with an advanced degree in the humanities, you hate absolutely everyone around you and badly want to kill them. You live in a brownstone playground of Timorese food and adult coloring books, and you want to suicide bomb the L train but leave a note blaming it on manspreading or whatever, so people don’t think you’re one of “those” random mass murderers (the bad kind). You hate having to tell people at parties that you “work in content,” and you hate the fact that they all also work in content. You hate that they all make content for outlets that are slightly cooler and more prestigious than the outlets you make content for. You hate that none of them have even fucked you for like thirteen months. You hate that you can’t even hate them for the ways in which they’re different to you, because there aren’t any. But fear not! There’s one thing you’ve got that nobody else does: you know that you’re definitely, 100% Not A Nazi.

But what about them? Imagine if the Nazis took over America and it was suddenly cool and prestigious to be a Nazi, and there were trendy Nazis on the TV the whole time, and they once again sold soap with slogans like “Dove: The White Pride Soap for Hating QTBIPOC and Not Amplifying Their Voices.” But also don’t imagine, because that’s exactly what’s happening.

 This game was invented by Dorothy Thompson in her classic 1941 Harpers essay Who Goes Nazi?, in which she presciently pointed out that intellectuals are definitely more Nazi than aristocrats, but not nearly as Nazi as union leaders. But she set her essay at some dinner party in the Hamptons or wherever, and last time I went out there I went swimming in the sea and a wave hit me and I lost my bikini top and a bunch of bros in boat shoes started laughing and pointing at me in a way that despite my white privilege I still feel was somehow like imbued with racism, and then afterwards I just stayed inside for three weeks writing content and ordering groceries online, so the setting needs to be updated. Let’s look at your group DM. Which of these Twitter creatives who live in Brooklyn would go along with it and become a Nazi? (All of them.) And who never, ever would? (Me.)

 Mr A isn’t actually in your group DM, and you’ve never encountered anyone like him irl, but you literally can’t stop talking about him, so he gets included anyway. Mr A is a short ugly loser, and he’s already a Nazi. He doesn’t even live in Brooklyn, he lives in his mother’s basement, and eats chicken tenders, and he doesn’t get laid, but in a different way to the way you don’t get laid, which has to do with patriarchy. Mr A is a Pizzagate. Mr A is a Gamergate. Mr A is a segregationist. Mr A opposes the reforms of the Emperor Diocletian (284-305). Mr A won’t shut up about the superiority of a “free silver” bimetallic monetary system over gold specie, and keeps on talking about the “gold shills” in a way that doesn’t really make sense until you realize that your own name is Goldschmidt, and yeah, he doesn’t really care about expansionary monetary policy at all, he’s talking about the Jews, and specifically you. Mr A is basically a pathetic worm whose life sucks and nobody likes him, but also he represents the whole of the repressive forces of society and he’s at the top of the social hierarchy. Everyone you’ve ever met is actually Mr A, wearing various masks. He is the source of all your problems. He must be killed, and once we kill him, we need to find more people like him to be the source of any problems we have left over.

 Mr B is in your group DM, but you also have a separate group DM with everyone else except Mr B in it. He keeps trying so hard to be nice, and says stuff like “so how is everyone’s day today” with a smiley emoji, and when you’re talking to him you get this airless feeling like you’re about to suffocate in his treacly good-natured presence. Every time you see Mr B at a party you’re afraid that he’s going to blurt out that he loves you, but you can’t keep your distance too much because he’s so clearly autistic, and you don’t want to be ableist. Anyway once in the group DM he said that while he obviously thought divining for water with Y-shaped copper rods was good and important and valid, he didn’t understand what it had to do with socialism. That made everything better, because clearly he’s a Nazi. The whole group DM expended hours of emotional labor educating him about how dowsing is part of LGBTQ+ culture and how his dismissive bro-y attitude was reactionary and gross, and eventually he posted a video of himself crying and begging for forgiveness and promising to do better, because you guys were the only friends he had. This was classic white fragility, but in the end you let him stay. You just have the other DM now, where you make fun of him and it’s ok, because if the Nazis came and he had license to start being cruel and sadistic to other people, he’d definitely do it.

 Ms C is one of those women who doesn’t like other women, and you know this about her because you can’t fucking stand the bitch. Plus she says stuff that’s really not ok, even though it costs nothing to have empathy and be kind. You’ve personally heard her use the D-word, the H-slur, and the L-pejorative, all while laughing and holding a glass of white wine by the stem, like she doesn’t need to consider the harm this does to others, just because she’s “funny” and “an artist.” She’s the Cool Chick. She makes nude self-portraits (the bad, skinny kind), and she’d throw you under the bus in a second for male attention and approval. She’d definitely go Nazi. But the worst thing about her is that she has the impudence to be bisexual and Asian, which makes it really hard to call her out. But then you realized that all Asian people are collectively responsible for the long history of anti-Blackness and misogynoir in their communities, and you’re thinking of holding her collectively responsible for the Rape of Nanking too, once you’re certain she’s a sushi Asian and not the dim sum kind.

 Ms D’s boyfriend works in finance, or like accountancy or something, or I think I heard he was a musician? Maybe a drummer or possibly he used to bartend at a place where they had live music. Anyway they definitely have vanilla cishet sex in the missionary position and you can’t stop thinking about it, his body, her body, naked, moving, breathing, together, almost silent, tender, disgusting. She says she’s a socialist but doesn’t devote every minute of her waking life to getting mad about people online. This means she’s just vaguely following a trend, and if the trend were being a Nazi (which it is), she’d be a Nazi (which she therefore is). You can’t imagine yourself actually hitting her but it’d definitely be punching up to maybe poison her food?

 Mr E used to be a comrade, but then he did a tweet that got 38.6k RT’s and now he’s moved to Los Angeles to spend his whole time in writers’ rooms. Last you heard he was pitching an animated show for adults about a snail with borderline personality disorder. It hasn’t even been greenlit yet, but you’re already thinking about all the ways in which it will be a missed opportunity and do harm and perpetuate tropes. Mr E will definitely turn out to have been a Nazi, and then you can start an anonymous petition to get the show cancelled so he has to move back to New York. Once he’s back you can send him a long email about how much it sucks his career burned out and how (even though you won’t say it in public) sometimes people do actually take the social-justice thing too far. That way he’ll be a comrade again, which is good, because we believe in rehabilitating people who have a genuine change of heart.

 Mr F probably thinks he’s better than you. He’s a union organizer. So are you (you added “#Unionize” to your Twitter name), but his union stuff involves workers who aren’t in tech, content, or grad school, and he probably thinks that makes him more in touch with “the real workers,” who he probably thinks are just a bunch of cis white males in a factory, who are probably all racist and probably have thick, heavy dicks that intrude on your mind in a kinda #MeToo way a lot of the time. He talks about class, and you agree that class is important because you’re not a lib (you support Bernie, you just want him to Do Better). But from the way he says it you’re certain he doesn’t acknowledge all he/him lesbians as part of the working class. He’s trying to save a tiny sector of the workers from a necessary and important socio-economic shift that will impoverish them and make their lives worse, and that’s what being a Nazi is. This is why his union needs to stop dragging their heels, change all of their rules and priorities, and let you get him fired.

 Ms G (me) will never go Nazi, because she is beautiful and kind and pure, and has all the good opinions instead of the bad ones. Because of this she’s allowed to do things that other people can’t do. She can totally fail to understand what having an authoritarian personality actually means, and construct a version of the Who Goes Nazi? essay in which the people who go Nazi are just people who are already right wing, having confused politics with personality, probably because she herself has no personality other than her politics. She can minimize, ignore, or even encourage the infliction of actual suffering when it happens to the wrong kind of people. She can write that “nothing that terrible has really happened” since the publication of Mark Fisher’s Exiting the Vampire Castle, even though Mark Fisher himself is mysteriously not around to appreciate that fact. She can do some shit with threatening to leak an unedited draft that I don’t even want to go into. She knows that the Nazis don’t come promising hatred but promising to be your friend, but it’s ok because she doesn’t really have any friends, just mufos. She’s doing great. She’s building a better, kinder world. She will never, ever be the Nazis.

[thelearningcat]

I just rewatched the Ugly Truth and I feel like I need a bath.

I will preface this by saying, I watched this when it came out and enjoyed it. I didn’t think it was an amazing romance, but I enjoyed it for the romantic trash I often enjoyed. 

Rewatching it, post-women studies, post-academia, post-growing up and experiencing real relationships, it’s disgusting on so many fronts. 

All the critiques it appears to almost try to criticize, it instead holds up and applauds. 

We have this strong, capable, good at her job, smart woman who is a producer despite being a woman and somewhat young being completely undermined at every term by the men above her at her job and the man she’s supposed to be in charge of. This is nothing to say with the constant sexual harassment, degradation of women, and overall sexist message it constantly purports. 

Hell, Hitch somehow manages a better message than the Ugly Truth. Hitch at least had it turn out that the woman they were trying to lie to liked the guy who was lying better for all the things that were 100% him rather. The Ugly Truth quite literally proved the misogynist right and then rewarded him with our protagonist. 

Maybe this doesn’t come to a surprise to anyone else. I haven’t watched this film probably since 2012 or so, so it has been a hot second. I’m almost scared now to watch The Proposal, because that was a movie that came out the same year that I also liked. 

How in the hell two women could have written this movie is beyond me. At every second it felt terrible and degrading. 

I watch a lot of romantic trash that had terrible messages to women, but they usually at least have some redeeming qualities or empowered women. Not the Ugly Truth. There is literally nothing. No moment in this movie qualifies as redeeming. The love interest learns no lesson to be nicer, the woman isn’t given power over her career, the third wheel love interest doesn’t turn out to be a nice guy, there are no kind and supportive friends, and there are no funny moments that don’t involve the humiliation of the female protagonist I’m supposed to be rooting for.

To end my rant, let me propose how to fix this travesty, if only because it’ll make me feel better to imagine how I would write it better:

Abby takes control of her job and shows she knows better than the assholes who are always just ignoring her clear brilliance and ability to think on her feet. This has to happen for me to feel vindicated for what she has to go through with producing the Ugly Truth. There are three ways I see this going. Option 1: she quits in the end. Instead of Mike quitting or in lieu of him quitting and being told she has to find his replacement, Abby quits instead, declaring she deserves a workplace that values her talent. We are given one reason she stays at a small local network, but it’s not a good enough reason to prevent her from really going somewhere in my opinion, especially not at least to a different network than the trash place she works at. Option 2: there are massive protests against the Ugly Truth, and Abby leads the charge to instead turn the network around to be a feminist dream workplace. I do not buy for a second that 98% of women would like the Ugly Truth. Sure maybe the white women who voted for Trump would like watching it because they’ve been brainwashed to think toxic masculinity is chill, but the rest of us, and even a lot of those women, would disgusted either by the sexism or the non-Christian discussions. Ideally, the networks higher ups would be fired and Abby would be given the reigns to turn it around. Option 3: She turns the Ugly Truth around. By sheer brilliance. She brings in feminist women and men who could counter and argue against Mike’s Ugly Truth. She brings in academics who can show scientifically that Mike’s perspective is wrong. The Ugly Truth turns into a show breaking down the ugly truth about toxic masculinity and the patriarchy. This one is probably my favorite since it lends itself to really enabling Mike to be a better person so he can be a love interest. This is a romantic comedy (or its supposed to be at least), so I’m fine with some acceptance of a love interest. 

We need to overhaul these fucking asshole love interests. Mike and Colin are both absolutely terrible and Abby’s interaction with them give me no reason she would fall for either or them or that they would fall for her.  Let’s start with Colin though, since he’s clearly just the trope “boyfriend who causes conflict by existing”. There is nothing special about him. He’s rich and handsome, the protagonist spends most of the movie thinking he’s the one, he turns out to be a dick, and his being somewhere and the real love interest seeing him makes the real love interest go running. I hate this trope. I much prefer the newer(?), less common trope that I’ve seen in some movies where the established love interest is legit nice and things just don’t work out between him and the protagonist for some reason. I want a Colin who says yes when Abby asks him out. I want a Colin who is clearly turned off (to the audience) whenever Abby tries one of Mike’s ploys, but is too nice to just turn her down for them (because he likes her otherwise). I want a Colin who in the end says they should break up because while Abby is great, because she clearly won’t be honest with him. Or that Abby breaks up with saying that she has feelings for someone else and Colin is just like, cool, let’s be friends, I still like your cat a lot. And we get to see them hanging out on double dates in the end scenes. Mike... Mike is just terrible and there’s no way he can ever get the girl without major changes. In fact, if I just got description of them both, I would assume this was a secret “nice man right in front of you when you are chasing after the asshole trope” wherein Abby gets Colin instead. It would be a nice surprise. However, Mike has some interest character elements that lend itself to a potentially fascinating love interest. First off, let’s get out of the way, he has to learn, or admit, that the Ugly Truth bullshit is just that, bullshit. Otherwise, he can stay in the dumpster he lives in. However, putting that aside, there are some questions would might lend to a much more interesting love interest. His relationship with his nephew is one of them. He clearly is super potentially cute to his nephew and sister. He teaches his nephew terrible things, which is unfortunate, but if we fix that? Let’s say instead of Abby hearing him say that it’s awesome girls are already going to him [the nephew], we instead hear him saying that empowered women are the best and sexiest. Earlier in the movie instead of hearing him say that he should be insulting 20 year olds, we hear him say that he should never insult women, they get that enough from assholes who follow his show. If we have it clearly established that he doesn’t believe the things he says through the lessons he gives his nephew, we would have an easy way to show the dissonance while still seeing the cute uncle-nephew relationship.  This also brings up the potential for why he got started on the Ugly Truth. We get a vague comment once (that’s never answered mind you) about how he got hurt before, but that’s bullshit and a cop-out. I instead want it to have started out as a satire, or maybe he was really hurt from a break up- OR he was really angry when his sister’s baby-daddy left her so he went on youtube and ranted about “The Ugly Truth” about love. Basically, we just need some backstory to believe he stumbled on this character, whether because he was telling the truth for a moment or trying to make a joke, but now he’s earning money doing this and he doesn’t really know how to get out. Maybe he never got a degree because he helped his sister earn money (seriously, it’s so easy to milk this relationship he has with his family) or maybe he got one but its in something that doesn’t make money like art and he doesn’t know how to transition from acting to that. Now he’s stuck, and maybe he’s tired of people assuming he’s the character he plays so he stops disputing them. Maybe he’s knowingly using his male privilege because he knows this character gets along with the creeps who run networks. Maybe he’s just bitter in general and has a hard time turning it off anymore.  On the other hand, I would also accept swapping out a lesbian for Mike and have Abby turn out to be bisexual. The lesbian could say all sorts of bullshit to get on TV and it’d make sense considering what men in charge of entertainment expect women to do to get their airtime. 

At least one supportive friend to the protagonist. We get Joy, her friend/employee? But Joy almost just acts to support the idea that somehow women are okay with Mike. Besides getting Abby dates, we see no reason to suspect she’s actually a friend to Abby. Maybe they are trying to say Abby doesn’t have any friends because she put her career over all else, but I find that really hard to swallow. I spend the majority of my time on work and me-time recuperating from working, but I still have friends that I see semi-regularly and a significant other I spend a lot of time with. 

We need there to be a legit sexual harassment claim filed at this workplace and people to get fired. That’s all. 

[bulldyke-rider]

Homophobia- is political lesbianism not homophobic? Also, I would say the way some of y'all talk about homosexual trans people especially homosexual transmen often veers into homophobic territory and mocks their experiences with homophobia and the toll it's taken on them. Thinking specifically about "it's so much braver to live as a masculine woman" posts I've seen. These women are fuckin traumatized by homophobia.

Dishonesty being seen as morally correct- I've directly seen women call physical features impossible or pre-pubescent or even functionally inferior as a means of coping with not being the beauty standard when those things are either not true and you at least anecdotally speaking are wrong. Thinking specifically of a woman who said small inner labia is a pre-pubescent trait and also bonded with other women about trying to cut her large inner labia off as a child, literally proving children can have larger inner labia. Another example is constantly trying to push the idea that any transman or, even better example, detransitioned woman is gonna be desirable to lesbians. It's come up over and over. There's an unwillingness there to admit that some people just have limited dating pools because they've actively made themselves less desirable.

Theorizing way too hard- I've heard so many ideas that did not exist in reality, only in theory. I have posts upon posts about this. A big one is theorizing about why "straight" men sleep with transwomen and it'll be word salad about not appreciating women or not knowing what women look like when it's just so obvious those men are bisexual and using transwomen as plausible deniability. Or like when I posted about tampon usage and got comments about how your vagina isn't big enough for a tampon in your late teens; that's just not true. It's theorizing taken too far and actually spits in the face of reality and the reason we often feel more uncomfortable with tampons in our youth.

Contradictory ideas on men- how are men willing to fuck anything but also don't find any real women attractive? Make it make sense. This is just another example of lack of observation.

Bottom up solidarity- telling lesbians we have to care about OSA women because they're the majority. The same thing is often done to black women.

Picking and choosing which women to hold accountable- letting abusive and neglectful mothers off the hook because of "patriarchy" while holding neglected and abused daughters accountable for the things we say about our mothers. In general, a much heavier stance is often taken against women who direct most of their harm inward and incidentally harm others than women who directly harm others.

Radical feminists don’t do any of the things u just listed sister. Don’t fall for anti feminist liberal propaganda.

I made these observations myself through fucking years of talking to y'all. Yes, y'all fuckin do that shit. Stop pretending radical feminism is fucking perfect and completely dismissing every woman who has had issues with it.

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

Hey, I’m the anon that asked panicsinning about the daddy thing. I’m seeing it in a significant portion of the fics I try to read at the minute (not just Brendon fics, but I seem to find more of them with him!) and I’m not into it at all. It kinda sucks. There are so many other ways to write a dominant Brendon, if that’s what people want, but as soon as I see the daddy thing I gotta close the tab like no thank u. And especially if he’s said it makes him uncomfortable

i think we’re dealing with the fall out of a generation of 90s and 2000s people raised on internet porn. i’ve noticed–this is evident on wattpad n tumblr especially–that a lot of smut is written by junior high n high school girls too, whose go to source is other smut fics by youn’uns n internet porn. like you could see that at work too on aooo n livejournal, but that stuff tended to be more grounded in real life experience/realistic n the writers skewed older–late teens n 20s on those–recorded porn was also less…fucked up in the 90s-early 00s n things that are mainstream now used to be fringe n avoidable. another thing i’ve noticed in fics: lack of solidarity with other women and girls–a lot of monstering of other females, who are usually portrayed as “whores” (this has a long history though–i remember the good girl/bad girl dichotomy in a lot of romance novels, vc andrews books, etc–tv shows n movies based around conflict between girls, the idea that women and girls are crueler to girls than boys are when the reverse is true, women getting angry at the “other woman” and not their dickhead men)

(trigger warning for me ranting about the content of pornography, the sexual status quo, etc)

i watched straight porn from about 8-12 from 95-99 and i don’t remember ever seeing pia for example. porn is now absolutely obsessed with men anally penetrating women with their dicks (if you are on a porn site, you will quickly see it guaranfuckingteed), particularly the damage that can result from it (eg “gaping,” women saying they can’t handle it *on camera* and the scene still continuing, “she’ll need an ambulance when we’re done with her”). there wasn’t much “deep throat”/”throat fucking” fellatio (i hate those terms–we are looking at throat rape) either, but now porn is obsessed with that too. it also used to be more about showing at least the performance of female pleasure and orgasm (usually faked of course) but now that is largely irrelevant and clear indications of pain are not only kept in, but intentionally there. piv that’s not a cervix bashing is hard to find, scenes without piv even harder (and they’re usually brief clips), and “sex” for men generally and pornographers in particular starts at piv–like if there isn’t at least “regular fucking” it doesn’t even register as sexual and worth watching to most.

“vanilla porn” has a lot of bdsm themes in it as discussed above as well as slapping, spitting, ejaculating on women’s faces, misogynist namecalling, “ass to mouth” and the hetero bdsm porn online is absolutely–we’re talking witch hunt and slavery levels of torture. in both, women are punished for the crime of being born female. based in aggrieved male entitlement–like men are punishing women for having any boundaries, desires of their own, telling them no outright or no to certain sex acts. any sexuality in women reduced to “fuck hole” (or a dewey eyed bisexual–tropes around female-female sexuality in porn are more varied i will admit but ultimately about viewer, typically male, titillation. femdom is also usually paid for by the man, and all about what he wants, and most of the domination and pain is both mild in comparison to what women are put through and based in feminizing him–comparing him to a woman, calling him gay, saying he has a small “ineffective” dick, calling his anus a pussy, etc. women are also often in absolutely ridiculous uncomfortable outfits n shoes.). a lot of humiliation, dom/sub–it’s really difficult for me to watch but it’s like men are in a contest with each other, expressing sexuality together, with women as the targets–seeing who can humiliate and hurt women the most–make her wish she’d never been born. man=sadist, and female=hole. (and a lot of the women making porn play that same game too.)

under this, girls are developing their sexuality, with the above porn online, and either just a general lack of information from school and parents, or a specifically religious tinge to discussions of sexuality as being sinful, shameful in women (and gay/bi men). sex=piv=sex, and pia is 5th base and you shouldn’t have hang ups about fucking bc it’s what girls and women are made for and like. things that women can do together don’t get transferred to sex with men at all, or at best MAY make it in as foreplay–sex is pole in hole, silly ho–not rubbing off on him (esp if you want to rub on a part or in a position that makes him feel like a girl), or getting oral, or masturbating in front of him, or him using his hand on you, or using toys together… women and girls are the gatekeepers for male sexuality and responsible for men’s actions and either natural saints or whores who need to either save men from the bad women (who deserve what men do to them, regardless of how cruel or sadistic or destructive–she wanted it if it happened at all–made him do it) or embrace their roles as cumsluts (liberated sexuality is doing what the pornographers tell you to, you go girl and suck that cock and have piv while you have few if any orgasms, don’t even feel that turned on and comfortable, and just put on a good show! lol don’t you know that focusing on yr clit n vulva is for masturbation and girl-girl action, if you focus on that silly part at all. or just rub your clit while he’s using whichever of your holes he wants–the sex positive solution. or spend years thinking you’re broken, to find out not orgasming during piv is normal, and just continue having it n taking hormonal birth control n praying for your period to arrive on time.)

there is a lot telling women and girls to find dangerous, possessive, sadistic, controlling, etc men sexy, and obviously this works–increasingly women are consuming porn, the success of the twilight novels, 50 shades of abusive gaslighting n pitying the poor poor dude who is just a hurt puppy (who can fucking kill you), advising already traumatized women to “work through their trauma” with a male sadist/top, telling women and girls that “daddy kink” is hot as fuck (ignore the fact that father-daughter incest is probably statistically the most traumatic form of child sexual abuse there is n hide it behind “it’s just a bit of kinky fun n letting him feel like a real man n letting you surrender to yourself n letting him take care of you” gaslighting), the whole mess of “sex positive feminism” (this is not what anne koedt, shere hite, audre lorde, etc were talking about folks) and repainting feminism (the fight for women’s liberation from patriarchy and the end of male violence) as about consumerist choices (particularly around conforming to beauty standards, partaking in prostitution industries) and saying women are not a class and women aren’t oppressed because of male desire to control our sexuality and reproduction but because we have inner feminine souls/brains and if you’re not a walking stereotype n don’t feel like one you’re not really female n sex is a free for all n not political at all (except for slutshaming bc women often are what men call us n shouldn’t be shamed for it–we should embrace it as empowerment) n trust women unless they say something you don’t agree with then they are monsters who kill with their words unlike men (even the ones who do kill) who aren’t why we feel unsafe (those bad women over there made them do it n besides, women are worse than men)… 

holy fuck this is quite the rant! i need to get back to writing the smutty times with beebs ;)

tl;dr this environment is ripe for girls finding “daddy kink” sexy because it encapsulates more explicitly what flows through our everyday sexual lives, media, etc. already. like the question shouldn’t be “why are some into daddy kink” but “why is there an intense focus on dom/sub, top/bottom, adult/child, male/female, penetrator/penetrated… dichotomies and roles in the first place?” or “how could so many *not* be drawn to it?” i remember reading explicit romance novels and this dom/sub, piv-oriented, etc relation was as common as air in them (they were generally way worse than graphic western novels n even worse than a lot of recorded porn back then), even the ones where the women were into equality outside of the bedroom. you can also see this in gay porn, where there is also this focus on pia and top/bottom roles, changing the way gay men have sex outside of porn too–like older gay/bi men see pia and roles attached to it as far less pivotal in their understanding and experience of sex than young gay/bi men do. (jesus christ gal get back on topic…) 

daddy/little (or kitten or princess or slut or…) confirms the way things should be: male control, authority, female deference, submission, etc. independence in women is punished. female desire for sexual pleasure and affection is denigrated. the amount of fics where women are punished or shamed for masturbating in front of him or on her own or rubbing herself on him by the daddy/dom! i can’t even… told not to, called bad for doing it…had their hand slapped away…physically punished for doing it. it’s seen as a distraction from the man’s Very Important Stuff at best, whether that stuff is nonsexual or what he wants to do to her sexually. sexuality is presented as a punishment for women (not so far from god’s condemnation of eve are we?), but something we desire simultaneously. like we should be punished for wanting, as if our wanting men or a man means we should be hurt by him/them. spanking is a humiliation and pain ritual a la abusive fathers with belts/forceful hands/tree branches/whips through the patriarchal ages, creating welts and tears and humiliation. females are *done to* and males *do*. even sucking dick becomes something men do to women by pushing her head down, pushing into her throat, etc as tears well up. outside of fic, women take painkillers and use numbing gels to endure it. the sexiest women are like little girls, and the sexiest men are controlling fathers. men *have to* hurt us, to let us know what we did wrong, so we can try to behave better next time. women need someone telling them what to do, when to do it, how to do it. telling us and showing us what we are for. men need to feel like real men, and women like real women–nothing is worse than an uppity woman making a man feel like a he’s not an avatar of masculinity, or however he sees himself–quit trying to emasculate men, unless they are into forced feminization of course n are paying for you to do what they want you to, are topping from the bottom. never challenge male self-image, especially in sex. know your place, and tell yourself you are precious, and cared for, and pampered by a benevolent master. daddy kink is the sexiest sex to ever sex, n vanilla is just so boring… why settle for lights out missionary piv when you can be choked n slapped n entered anally? those are your two choices. you’re not a prude are you? quit being so sex negative. quit policing these wild sexy desires in people. quit erasing and killing us with anything you might think or say to contradict this.

we live in a world where men get away with murdering women based on “rough sex gone wrong” defenses, even to the point where people think it reasonable that a native woman in prostitution bled to death after “consensual” piv with a john (when he likely sliced open the inside of her vagina with a knife based on the extent of her injury, let alone the belief that lethal injury can be consented to period let alone within prostitution), athletes are acquitted of rape when they gang rape a woman into several hours of bleeding from a vaginal injury (and she named it rape from the get go, the men were bragging and trying to get her to keep quiet), wives are murdered by boyfriends in “50 shades games gone wrong” that *she* wanted (considering she is the dead one not him...), people think *unconscious* women and girls are “consenting” whether strangled into unconsciousness or drugged or sleeping..., and another woman was literally choked to death during throat rape by the man she loved (the focus in that courtroom and the media? His allegedly big dick--how could he have helped himself, not killed her, with such a big cock? Injuring women with big dicks is so entertaining n humourous!). A male sadist is more likely to kill you than give you an amazing time in bed. More likely to claim it’s all fun n games when numerous women accuse him of sexual, physical and psychological abuse than actually help those or any other women have a good time in bed.