#being active in fandom 24/7 for more than a year started to exhaust me after a while | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sersi · 5 years ago

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Your textpost... I feel it so much. I saw TROS today and at the end of the screening I just started crying. I know it seems stupid but... when the movie ended I realized that I felt nothing during it. Nothing. No hype, no love, no emotion. Nothing. Star wars movies are so important to me; they make me happy, they hype me, they amaze me. This was not a movie, they destroyed everything star wars was, every characters, every arcs. I've never been so sad, so angry and so frustrated...

Awww anon, I’m so sorry it was so tough for you 😢. Obviously, I’m still going through it, but, having been mad at movies/franchises/Star Wars specifically before, all I can really say is that this will, eventually, fade and hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy Star Wars, even if only specific parts of it, again. I’ve been into Star Wars since I was 9 years old (which was when the prequels were coming out, so it’s been a LONG time) and as someone who was originally into the Extended Universe/Legends continuity books and comics, I’ve broken up with Star Wars multiple times before this. TROS, for me at least, hurts more than any of the things that inspired my previous Star Wars break ups, but those previous breaks did give me something of a blueprint for how to cope.

Obviously, I feel like talking about it, especially with people who share your feelings on the movie, can help a lot. (My best friend, who is not actually into Star Wars but loves me 🥺 and has hated JJ Abrams since ALIAS, has been a CONSTANT sympathetic ear for my many varied “BUT ALSO I CAN’T BELIEVE [insert TROS bullshit decision of your choice]” meltdowns). At the same time, I also think that dwelling too much on this movie for too long isn’t actually the best path out of this terribleness. I hated the movie, I don’t have any desire to rewatch it anytime soon (although I might have to because my extended family sometimes likes going to the movies after Christmas), and, as I basically demonstrated in my post, thinking about it too much makes me miserable. So, I am also actively trying to find other things to focus on and devote my fan energy too.

On Thursday night, after I hit the exhaustion point with my initial post-TROS meltdown, I re-watched Avengers: Endgame (which I personally loved), which helped a bit, even if Steve lifting Mjolnir did lead me to meltdown over how dirty JJ did Finn again 🤡🔪 and yesterday I went to watch Frozen 2 again with my family, which ended up being a lot more emotional than the first time I saw it (and it wasn’t until AFTER the movie that I had a Rey deserved a “You’re right. I’m only human.”/Show Yourself.mp3 moment meltdown to a friend). These things aren’t entirely erasing TROS from my mind or getting me instantly past all my frustration and disappointment, but they have at least helped me get out of the thinking about TROS 24/7 mode I was in on Thursday night.

Right now, I may end up entirely or mostly disengaging from Star Wars content/fandom for a while once The Mandalorian season finale airs or, potentially, going in the exact opposite direction and re-reading all the stuff I loved from the Legends canon (which, as it’s no longer canon and not getting any new content, can’t actually hurt me any more than it already did pre-sequel trilogy). I don’t know which will happen and because it’s right before the Holidays, I’ve been super busy with real life things, but I know that my goal is to not let this movie ruin my mood for months on end or the love I’ve had for Star Wars as a whole since I was kid 🙂.

#elysia's inbox #anon #tros spoilers #(not really but sort of)

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dazais-guardian-angel · 6 years ago

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I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

#personal posts #this is long overdue #I say as if I have a huge following and people who've been Waiting For News #looooooooool #tl;dr i am a lonely friendless bitch who wants attention and validation and friendship Exactly Like It Used To Be #stuck with probably all of the big mental health illnesses out there now who can't get jack shit done #........so basically like every other person on tumblr lmao #almost every day is pointless now even moreso than they already were #when will I be Free (hint: never as long as I stay stuck in a disabled body in a sheltered house with no friends and parents who don'tgetme

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sufferthesea · 7 years ago

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Transitional Period

Okay so I feel really lame writing this but I think it's also important. I keep apologizing for not being super active on this blog anymore, and there's a number of reasons I haven't. Most of it has been health related but anyway. I started this blog because I hated my other blog and wanted to do something new with a fandom I'd been in for a long time (10+ years), so after talking with Katie ( @shiranuigenma ), I decided to create this Naruto blog. But it wasn't intended to be just a Naruto blog, but that's how it kind of ended up since that's what I was into when I made it.

The fact that I've kept this a 98% Naruto blog is awesome because my attention span and energy allotted for a fandom is around 3-4 months. After that I usually get bored or burnt out and have to find something else. Making friends and participating in things like Kakashi Week, and just doing art and writing fanfics, has helped me to maintain interest in this blog for a lot longer than I thought I would. So thank you!! You guys are awesome!!!

(Okay real quick I'm not quitting lol. I know it sounds like it. But I'm not.) Basically, I was getting so burnt out on Naruto that I was dreading getting on this blog and I didn't want to watch it anymore. That's why I've been MIA. I literally only follow Naruto blogs at the moment. I don't want this to become a trash blog like my last one that I abandoned, so I'm still going to be kind of selective with what I reblog. Anyway. To combat the staleness and burnt out feeling I had, I got into a few other shows with my friends and that's really all I've been watching (RWBY, RvB, and YouTube if you're curious). It sounds dumb but it's really helped me a lot because I'm not so exhausted and wearing myself out trying to be ~the cool singular fandom blog~ that I'm really not meant to be. (Yo, major kudos to those who can do that.)

So anyway, 2018 has been not super unkind, but very tough for me. You grow from challenges, right? But it's also important to not be challenging yourself 24/7 for 6 months straight with little sleep and locking yourself away in your bedroom. I am not Maito Gai. I cannot do that. So here's a few things about my blog that'll carry us into summer 2018 and hopefully allow me to be more active and not so stressed and sad!!!! Esp since I still don't have a job even tho I'm looking!! And I'm getting tired of ppl telling me “Well just get a job??? Just go get hired???” like !!! what do you think I am doing???

Requests are now closed indefinitely. I'm going to finish up the few I have, but after that I'm closing them. They were super fun but I have so many things backlogged that it hasn't been as fun anymore. I send love and thanks to all those who sent in requests while they were open! It was a fun experiment and I got to really test myself by writing for characters I don't normally write for!

Writing commissions are closed indefinitely. I’ll complete the one I have, but then that’ll be it for now. These too were also fun and challenged me more than anything else I've done. I got to write some very unique and difficult topics and I'm so thankful for those who trusted me enough with their stories to do this. However, the amount of time and mental energy it took was too much and severely underselling myself made it difficult to justify the time I was spending. (I've read writers should charge around 1 – 3 cents a word. I was charging $0.001 cents a word lmao. Whoops. I actually don't mind but it is hard to make a living like that.)

Art commissions are still OPEN! And btw, I do have a ko-fi. I'm thinking about doing something like, one coffee = one bust of your character of choosing? (which is same price as commissions whoops lol.) Idk yet. I won't be doing any writing for ko-fi, though.

I was going to create a side blog for the other fandoms I'm in but side blogs are tedious and annoying to manage so I'm probably just going to start posting stuff here. If you don't want to see it, you can start blacklisting tags now. I'll be tagging things as #rwby, #rvb, #not naruto (that's my catch-all tag for anything, uhh, not Naruto). Expect a lot of Ozpin, Qrow, Church, and Washington because even tho I was inactive here, it does not mean I stopped hoeing around in other fandoms. Oh, also expect an occasional #game grumps because #dan avidan is way cute.

I'm also going to be posting fanart for other fandoms here too. It's been nice to draw stuff other than Nardo. I'll still be doing Naruto stuff (I have a ton of Naruto projects I'm working on) but silly little doodles will probably be from RWBY.

I'm also in this weird kinda scary period in my life with school and career options. I have a degree in English and it's always been assumed I'd be a teacher but I don't want to be?? I realized recently that I love to draw and I'm getting quite good at it (with the help of my sister who is my own real-life youtube tutorial for SAI), so both my sister and I are going back to college for a Studio Art degree. I'm thinking about getting into animation and I'm scared because it's not a secure or “traditional” job??? I'm scared because I'm not settling on a job I don't want or a field I just assumed I'd go into. I'm not good with big changes or going into things when it's uncertain, so I'm like ….. /anxiety increases/ But I'm hoping it'll be good.

Just as an extra bullet point and a reminder, I still really love Kakashi, Iruka and Obito, and all my other guys!! Don't think I forgot about them!!

Sorry this is 10 million years long but it was important to me to write all that. I'm sorry I haven't been able to reblog your art or fics and comment on them. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you guys and responded to messages. I'm sorry I'm not as active. I've just been figuring stuff out and hanging out with friends, and watching other things so I don't grow to despise Naruto lol. So. That's about it. I probably forgot something.

Oh, I have 21 plants growing in my windowsill. 2 are decorative and the other 19 are going to go in my garden in the backyard bc they’re herbs and vegetables. And I'm going to cosplay for the first time next month and I might meet the voice actor for kid Obito. So. There's that.

#mine 44 #akimi.txt #transitional period #updates #so anyway #/breathes easy/#sorry to be dramatic #thank you for putting up with me #i love you guys!!!#im gonna go finish my weiss drawing #and then watch some youtube

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fireflower90 · 7 years ago

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The k-pop industry sucks.

In light of what happened to Kim Jong Hyun, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about the Korean music industry. Sorry if this offends anyone, but these are my honest and sincere opinions.

Now I can’t say that I have been an active fan of the group SHINee, but I have been listening to their music ever since their first single. One of my friends introduced me to them and honestly, I didn’t really find them all that great on the first try. After a lengthy period of hearing (read: getting forcefully fed) Noona neomu yeppeo on replay – pun intended, the song and the band started growing on me. I have enjoyed their music ever since and I am truly astounded by what the group has accomplished through the years.

As I mentioned earlier, I can’t say that I have been an active fan of SHINee (or actually of any other K-pop group for that matter) for ages. I am one of those people who just listens to the songs and watches the videos, maybe occasionally some live performances or funny clips on youtube, but that’s it. I’m 27 years old now, getting married, finishing up my studies and so on, so I’m way past the period in my life when I can or have time to solely focus on fandom. I do still consider myself a loyal fan nonetheless, so keep this in mind while reading on.

What happened to Jong Hyun was in no way really a surprise. I can’t say this on a personal level that applies to him, but I think his case is only one of many potential ones, and that his has just had the most unfortunate outcome.

The K-pop industry is insane. It basically drives artists or as we often forget that they are, actual people – normal human beings, into an endless spiral of trying to meet up to everyone’s expectations. Young CHILDREN (yes, everyone in their teens is still a child) sign up with these humongous companies and basically just give their lives away. They give up their rights to study what they want, eat what they want, look the way they want, meet who they want… There’s no dating or normal relationships, they don’t get to meet their families or even sleep when they need to. Is that really ok? Do any of you honestly think it is okay for a person to give up everything for the sole purpose of being there to entertain you?

Now I know, some of the people who read this might get offended, but this is something that must be brought up for discussion. I think that the biggest issue here is how the bigger music companies in Korea work, but I also think that the fans need to take some of the blame. This does in no way apply to all fans, but there are some individuals who need to hear this. Many fans say that they love the bandmembers, but then when they don’t meet up to their expectations they throw a hissy-fit. I honestly think this is a phenomenon that is more common in Asian music scenes, than let’s say in in Europe or the States (but it happens here as well). In Asia, a good example of this is when an artist wants to date or get married. Like, what the hell, if you join a group you automatically give up the right to get married and must live on the bare fumes of your screaming fans? How is that normal? How can fans claim to be FANS if the people they idolize can’t even be themselves and live a happy life? (I’m looking at you people who got pissed of at Sungmin from SuJu and his marriage)

As you probably can sense from my writing I am seriously pissed off right now. Jong Hyun was only one of many k-pop idols that has spoken up about his struggles and issues. He sought help, he talked about it, but look what still happened. What about all the ones that have kept it all in and suffered by themselves? Korea has one of the highest suicide rates in the world and that if something indicates that social structures and norms need to change. Now that Hallyu has become a worldwide phenomenon, I think that all of us (and by that, I mean fans from around the world) have a chance to affect this. It’s time for all of us to speak up.

I’m too angry to keep writing in any fluent form, so I’m just going to add a few pointers down below:

- I was so fed up with fandom and the k-industry that I kept a break from it all between the years 2010-2014-ish. I can’t stand the whole bashing bands you don’t like, criticizing the women for their weight, the men by their lack of muscles… It still disgusts me. I like both EXO and BTS, so sue me. I don’t need to bash one to somehow boost the other, that’s not how it works. Just keep on loving who you love, that’s enough.

- I think it is a bit dangerous that fans have biases and show them so clearly. Of course, don’t get me wrong, people like some people better than others and that’s fine. I still think that it puts members of an already extremely competitive field up against one another, even if on a more subconscious level. Whenever I’m on a concert, k-band or not, I always cheer for all of them equally. It kills me every time when one of the members gets less cheers than the others.

- Going from a group to doing solo work must also be extremely lonely and taxing. From having your friends around you 24/7 to suddenly being there and taking all the heat by yourself, it must suck. (But on the other hand, it gives the artists a chance to shine and show what they are made of…)

- Mental health is just as important as physical health and somehow people just don’t get this. It just kills me when I see videos like this one (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGq6GXUTau0) of G-dragon collapsing during shows, and people’s comments being “he’s a true professional, not letting others see how exhausted he was.” How low can we, as humans, go? How can we keep letting this happen? He can’t be replaced on stage, indeed not, but how can he be replaced after he’s dead? People are not disposable.

- THIS IS NOT THE HUNGER GAMES! Don’t add fuel to fire and put different bands, companies or people up against one another. That isn’t okay.

- It is okay to think differently even if you are a celebrity. More ever: You should speak your mind! Especially when it comes to matters like social injustice, minorities and their rights and so on. We as fans should support that, not shoot people down who dare to be different from the norm. Jong Hyun did just that, he spoke up. He did what many others didn’t dare to do.

- We aren’t perfect, how can we demand others to be perfect?

End of yet another rant.

#pissed #shinee #k-pop #mental health #2017 #get a grip #who needs to be perfect #stop the hate

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taonsil · 7 years ago

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no rb please !

dfshjsd posting this on a friday bc probably less people will see it but I guess I just wanted to make a note or..explain or idk. this is actually a positive post ! a while ago I posted about struggling with nd things impacting on hzt things (I'm still not Officially diagnosed but so far the suggestions are any combination of autism/adhd/bpd/bipolar. tl;dr AAAA). it's been awful how intense my dependence and hyperfocusing on hzt has been. it's really been rough, but I don't like talking about it all that much bc..idk, I don't want to reflect badly on him, it's not his fault (I don't want to dismiss how much I genuinely care for him and my positive experiences, either. I’ve always either been very happy or very stressed by whatever I’m into, it’s rly not him💦). but :/ I also do want to talk honestly about it. I've known a lot of people sit on their hands and not want to talk about how their mh stuff impacts on their fandom experience in case it comes off badly, but..then we all think it's not happening to anyone else.

so anyway, hzt leaving and numerous things that have happened since then coincided with a lot of stressful and some traumatic experiences I've had irl, and my mental health isn't great, so it just really latched onto him. I adore him, of course, but it's just been so constant and exhausting. I don't even know what I've been so anxious about the past year (bc the first year obviously there was a lot of drama :s but other than a few facepalm comments it's been pretty fine since) but even when it's subconscious I've been on edge 24/7, waking up through the night to check for updates, having to analyse small things, physical anxiety symptoms every time he has any activities, having meltdowns over nothing and crying to poor cat for hours about things that don't matter. like there's really..been points where I've not felt like I could keep living like this because it's just too much. there's been specific things I've been consumingly anxious about for months at a time because I was worried I couldn't live with them if they happened. it's felt at times like there's nothing outside of this and I've alternated a lot between living for it and wanting to give up because there's nothing else. as well as feeling it I've beaten myself up so much for feeling it, for being able to recognise how stupid and out of hand it is but not being able to stop it, and for basically just being a failure :/ when things were Good ie when I still had sutao I found my nd-ness a good thing, bc when I have a happy thing to invest in and focus on I'm really productive and have a lot of energy. I've spent years now with very low energy, no motivation, this awful brain fog, useless useless self care. I totally lost interest in myself..it even started to override my dysphoria, which is pretty impressive :P

so, yeah, in the end this is a positive post bc I don't really know how or why, but I'm finally past this. I don't know what changed. I'm regretting so much right now how much I missed with the boys (especially the lmr and monster/lotto aesthetic. I enjoyed it, but wow I didn't have the focus for being as excited as I am now backtracking and noticing what I missed). I love yeol and jm and I'm..so on fire about suyeol all the time recently, and it's not like I haven't always loved them and all the boys all these years, it's just that I couldn't dedicate time to them for the last few or was too scared to not constantly prove that hzt is my special boy/seem like I was flagging with being an active blog for him (which I’m still not! there’s just a bit more other stuff too now). n basically I wanted to type all this up to explain why I'm suddenly posting so much not-hzt content, because..I'm anxious and overthink everything lol and I have worried about it a bit. I love him so so dearly, but I can finally love other things too. I really don't know what happened, bc this was definitely something out of my control to change. but..yeah I'm just really happy. I have art block, writers block and life/work is still stressful every day kajsd but my head feels so much clearer and I'm having proper good days again, looking after myself a bit better n just..yeah. I do feel kinda awkward and unsure about sharing all of this, however few people will probably see it, but I do also think there's value in being open about stuff like this. + a lot of you are my friends :c so I want to share that things are feeling more 👍 (++ a lot of you share your problems with me ; o; if it’s helpful at all for anyone to see this then that’d be good too. ok ok

(also reminder that cat is amazing and has spent so many hours being patient and handholding and I’m super super lucky to have had them help me♡)

#no rb please !#lots of nd rambling #of the positive kind yay #shush jay #tw: suicide mention

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euphoriccalliope-blog · 8 years ago

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C’mon. Play the Game.

This just popped into my head re: the Sherlock ARG getting underway in earnest, and some anxiety around that. Folks who’ve been going harddd since January 15th are exhausted -- all the more so because the Sherlock fandom is used to operating on a years-long hiatus schedule and we’ve suddenly been pushed into hourly realtime effort. It’s decidedly uncomfortable on one hand, but also thrilling.

The ARG is basically an epic game of chicken. Do we trust we know the rules and parameters enough to play it without getting bruised or overly frustrated by TPTB who are playing it with us? We’ve been burnt before. If there is no explicit prize of another episode, promised upfront, then what does “winning” mean other than knowing we were smart enough to risk our pride to prove we’re clever?

Answer: we play it because we can, because we want to, and yeah, because we’re clever. And maybe we also know we can rescue each other from it if it gets too cray. And because it makes us fall in love with the brilliant members of this fandom a bit more. (John has a role also in this scene.)

A Study in Not Blinking

It strikes me that there are a lot of parallels between the fandom’s feelings around the ARG and this scene in ASiP when the cabbie (Moftiss) convinces Sherlock (us?) to stay at the table, even though S. knows there is no gun keeping him there. The cabbie’s gun is fake. Just as many brill folks have determined that the gun at the end of TLD/bracketing TFP is also _not a tranquilizer gun_. It’s not what we are told it is, based on the evidence of our eyes. And same goes for the representation of a J&S romantic relationship on the show -- we stand by our visual understanding of what is real and there, vs. the “official” view point that it isn’t, and also btw who you are doesn’t matter.

Bear with me a sec. I think based on what we have seen so far in the ARG, they have been playing a very long game indeed. Witness @tjlcisthenewsexy’s recent brilliant discovery & explication about the cabbie’s license # from ASiP (X). My hunch is that they’ve been building in meta-ARG stuff all along, all so that they would have the option of using it later if they wanted. With that in mind, let’s take a look at the ASiP classroom showdown from the perspective of where we are now, dipping our toes into the ARG.

Read this through, please:

Transcript courtesy of the lovely and astute Ariane DeVere (X) -- S1 E1, part 4:

CLASSROOM. SHERLOCK: What if I don’t choose either? I could just walk out of here. (Sighing in a combination of exasperation and disappointment, Jeff lifts up the pistol and points it at Sherlock.) JEFF: You can take your fifty-fifty chance, or I can shoot you in the head. (Sherlock smiles calmly.) JEFF: Funnily enough, no-one’s ever gone for that option. SHERLOCK: I’ll have the gun, please. JEFF: Are you sure? SHERLOCK (still smiling): Definitely. The gun. JEFF: You don’t wanna phone a friend? (Sherlock smiles confidently.) SHERLOCK: The gun. (Jeff’s mouth tightens, and slowly he squeezes the trigger. A small flame bursts out of the end of the muzzle. Sherlock smiles smugly.) SHERLOCK: I know a real gun when I see one. (Calmly Jeff lifts the pistol/cigarette lighter and releases the trigger. The flame goes out.) JEFF: None of the others did. SHERLOCK: Clearly. Well, this has been very interesting. I look forward to the court case. (He stands up and walks towards the door. Jeff puts the gun onto the desk and calmly turns in his seat.) JEFF: Just before you go, did you figure it out ... (Sherlock stops at the door and half-turns towards him.) JEFF: ... which one’s the good bottle? SHERLOCK: Of course. Child’s play. JEFF: Well, which one, then? (Sherlock opens the door a little but shows no sign of leaving the room.) JEFF: Which one would you ’ave picked, just so I know whether I could have beaten you? (Sherlock closes the door again.) JEFF (chuckling): Come on. Play the game. (Slowly Sherlock walks back towards him. When he gets to the table, he reaches out and sweeps up the bottle nearest to Jeff, then walks past him. Jeff looks down at the other bottle with interest but his voice gives nothing away as he speaks.)

Aside: Aaaand now I get the deeper level of all the Russian roulette gun-swapping references that have been going around (maybe kept up most hilariously by @joolabee originally).

ARG Meta Interpretation of the ASiP Classroom Showdown

Sorry if this is just reiterating something that someone else has already done. My brain is mush at the moment, and it is entirely possible folks have already thought of this exchange in a post-S4, mid-ARG context.

Here’s the mid-ARG meta view of this scene:

The fandom doesn’t have to play the ARG (alternate reality game). No one is making us. We could just walk out of here.

But. We don’t like being manipulated. We decide to play along only so far as to call the puppet master’s (cabbie/Moriarty/Moftiss) bluff, and make them show us what we are playing for, and force them to surrender. I’ll have the gun, please. We know what we are looking at (johnlock) and we believe we are right. We cannot be intimidated. I believe this corresponds to the anti-S4 backlash campaign, and the earnest expectation of more content.

The bluff is called. Definitely. The gun. Gun is not what it appears to be. The fandom unpacks TFP and other elements of S4 that are “fake,” and documents/discusses, all in record time. Some of us come out of shock and begin to see elements of narrative threads that can make sense of the mess, the true signals buried in the fake noise.

The Powers That Be (TPTB, the cabbie/Moriarty/Moftiss, all of whom are in charge of the game structure and who know us well enough to be always changing it to suit us with perfect temptations) applaud our skill in seeing the fake gun. We are unfuckable; no fear. We insist: I know a real gun when I see one.

On our own, we look back over all the times in BBC show canon, esp. within that TPTB seemingly acknowledged fandom interpretation as being deeper than casual-viewer understanding of the show. This was them saying to us: None of the others did. TAB’s heart of the conspiracy, TST’s references to ice lollies, tea code, the best secret societies having acronyms, TFP shockproof elephant glass, etc.

After S4 airs and is effed up, especially TFP, they begin to lose us for a a bit, first because narrative was false to its characters, and then because queerbaiting hamfistedness. TPTB will not publicly or officially engage to confess what their deal is. But we know what we saw. Justifiable anger/frustration/hurt from fanbase over TPTB’s lack of acknowledgment re: queerbaiting and lack of representation. Fandom amasses lists of canonical show reference points as evidence of our case. We take that case to the wider internet, to the BBC, and elsewhere, to try to hold TPTB somehow morally or legally responsible for all that jazz. There are conversations about the fandom crowdfunding an Operation Norbury PR/lawsuit initiative. We get up to leave, and we say to them: Clearly. Well, this has been very interesting. I look forward to the court case.

And then. And then they challenge us to play the game anyway, with the free knowledge that they cannot manipulate us directly with more bullets of questionable narrative content -- nothing more has been officially announced. We are on the point of walking away to wait passively, to write fix-it fic and make art and chat amongst ourselves, and get on with our lives. . . . But. There is a hint of a vast situation in front of us that offers puzzle-solving, intelligence, close-reading of the world, adrenaline and connections. Also possibly witty recycling of our own in-jokes and crack memes, and helping those to become part of the actual 130-year-old vast Sherlock canon’s Great Game, in the service of making real what we have repeatedly seen and know to be true within the BBC show. It’s rather irresistible. And they say: Come on. Play the game.

Do we turn around and consider it? I have already decided I need to sit down at the table and examine the possibilities. I don’t care about seeming foolish, so pride is not a concern. It’s not risking my life, and has the potential to be great fun. . . I respect the decision of those who don’t want to play, but personally I do. I think this is us losing our patience in the most delightful way possible, and taking the reins. Expect the best explosions.

So that’s that. I have no idea how much of this I can keep up with, simultaneously with work commitments and a personal life. But I have hope that the community can collectively carry it forward 24-7 and keep an open mind, and keep pulling on loose threads because it’s fun, and we’re clever. The fandom knows no time zones; we are global and we are engaged. You’re a scintillating group, and this narrative, this Sherlock-TV-world-real-life narrative, is super compelling. It pushes all my researcher buttons in the best way, with the ultimate reward that finding answers makes them real. No clue whether we will see canon Johnlock but I think this is worth playing to see where it goes.

Especially if we can wink knowingly at each other while doing so. (Pleased to meet you, by the way.)

Postscript: Suggestions for How to Play

ARGNet post on Getting Started with ARGs (X)

If you don’t want to play the ARG but want to stay otherwise actively engaged in the fandom, consider saying so at the top of your Tumblr blog, and perhaps blocking the (#sherlock arg) tag. I propose that tag should go on everything ARG-related.

Reminder to please document with links what you do, and tag/share info so that others can easily know what you’ve done and seen, and carry it forward. When you can, read the notes on a post and repost from something useful or new that someone else on that thread has said, done or seen -- this includes folks who want to be part of it all. Embed links in X marks like so (X) so they will show up in notes.

Players who are coming at this from TJLC fandom should throw in the #tjlc tag, to keep it front and center. All ARG playing requires tinfoil hat wearing, so I’m going to say we mostly drop that set of tinfoil hat tags unless you want to throw it in there. It’s more important to keep #tjlc if that’s the flag you fly.

If you are codebreaking, please post:

the encoded source ciphertext and where it came from (with a link also if possible), and

if you have broken the code, include the translated plaintext, as well as

what kind of cipher it was, and what key(s) it used.

be sure to add the tag (#sherlock arg codebreaking) so our army of smarties can become increasingly code-literate within the ARG, as codes become more complex.

If you’re playing, then play. Contribute something. Use the tags to read up and learn for yourself what’s going on. Engagement is always welcome, but try to refrain from just passively asking others to fill you in personally via direct questions to their ask boxes. Folks will be busy pursuing their own inquiries and organizing the info they have found. And ask box space may be precious to some, if that is how ARG clues tend to arrive from mysterious sources.

Other optional tags:

#dancing with the octopus = not knowing how many of the arms of the ARG we are or will engage, but enjoying ourselves anyway.

#the greater game = gives immediate context for what the ARG is in a way that makes folks think of Sherlock and not pirates (Belated epiphany: OMG. Sherlock always wanted to be a pirate. What do pirates say? ARRRRRG.)

#sherlock chess arg = references the S4 chess promo pic that throws the game pieces to us, and tells us it’s our move.

Tagging folks (I’m wary of tagging too many and causing annoyance, but please consider reblogging if you found this useful. We need to spread the word about standardizing our methods and tags! Thank you!):

@the-7-percent-solution, @whimsicalethnographies @teapotsubtext, @ti-ori-se @jenna221b, @inevitably-johnlocked @marcelock @tjlc @tjlcisthenewsexy, @mrsashdown, @materialofonebeing @joolabee, @toxicsemicolon,

#sherlock arg #tjlc #alternate reality game #arg meta #arg #sherlock asip #the greater game #dancing with the octopus #moftiss

134 notes · View notes

almaasi · 8 years ago

Text

reaction post typed while watching SPN 12x13 “Family Feud”

contains personal chit-chat, a selfie, and a photo of one of our iridescent chickens, because i kept getting distracted (potentially because this episode wasn’t particularly enthralling)

also, flawed time travel logic

05:18pm

i saw a promo on instagram but the sound wasn’t working, so apart from knowing crowley and rowena are in this, and shout a lot, i got no clue what’s going on. but this one’s written by the deadly duo sooooooooooo :/

also a new director named p.j. pesce. hi there, please kindly make the deadly duo’s script less offensive with good directing, thank you

05:20

man i hope cas is in this. but in a nice uplifting way not a bullshit frustrating no homo way

/sips tea

05:24

i’m so unaffected by these scare tactics

idk if it’s because i’ve watched twelve seasons of this show but i kind of zone out when the violins start shrieking

05:36

(people just arrived at the house, social!Elmie emerged for 2 minutes, i cleaned the bathroom, changed the towels, and greeted everyone and NOW I’M BACK AND EVEN MORE EXHAUSTED)

05:39

(and then i took two (NOW THREE) phone calls from my dad going like “i’m in the store and they don’t have the pasta that’s the only kind of pasta you eat, but they have this other pasta that has a thing in it you’re allergic to listed in the ingredients, do you want that?”

me: *emphatic NO*

I HATE BEING THE ONLY ONE HOME)

(AND I HAVE TO WASH MY HANDS EVERY TIME I ANSWER THE PHONE SO I’M KIND OF DIZZY FROM GETTING UP NOW)

(I PAINTED A WHOLE ROOM YESTERDAY I JUST WANT TO SIT AND DO NOTHING)

05:44

anyway what was i saying

oh yeah, this scene feels weirdly voyeuristic, lady getting ready for bed

“my nightly routine!! you’ll never guess what kills me”

05:46

a ghost’s arms pop up out of the mattress and throttle the lady to death

okay firstly, i laughed

secondly, wow that was actually kind of cool

thirdly DUDE ALL FOUR OF YOUR LIMBS WERE IN THE BED, THAT’S MEANT TO PROTECT YOU

fourthly, i heard something like this happened in the hotel version of american horror story?? i don’t watch it but i heard about something living inside a mattress

fifthly ACCURATE PHOTO FRAME BLOOD SPLATTER 15 points for the mattress ghost