#being able to talk about hurt feelings/miscommunications without name-calling and finger-pointing is so rare these days

[ooc-miqojak]

It's actually incredibly nice to interact with someone who is capable of having a challenging talk when there's a miscommunication, or crossed wires, or hurt feelings. And especially since recently...I've had to deal with some real beyond-belief human beings who went out of their way to privately message me with presumptuous statements and incredibly below-the-belt insults... instead of just trying to talk like adults, and understand what was actually going on in the situations they were making assumptions about.

Imagine you're enjoying your morning - watching birds, playing with your cats, shopping for a beginner's embroidery kit because you want to learn a new skill and be creative, and you're enjoying the first real sunshine in about 9 months...you're delighted that your seasonal depression might be lifting at last! And two complete strangers start making assumptions about you, and saying the world's most cruel, and unhinged shit in your DMs, and you have no idea who one of them even is! One of them tries to claim 'you just hate everything' because you confided in said person that they said something that was frustrating and hurtful to you - but enjoying your day, and everything about it except the condescending remark they made... means 'you hate everything,' apparently. Now imagine the refreshing delight of, a day later, someone else you barely know coming to you in your DMs... in good faith to clear the air about a misunderstanding! You're allowed to see where they were coming from, and you're allowed to explain your POV and why you did what you did, and there's a chance for understanding, growth, and kindness! There's no one I respect more than a person capable of having those kinds of difficult/challenging discussions, because they're the hard ones. It's a lot easier to point the finger, and assume one side of a discussion or argument is correct... that one is 'good/right,' and one is 'evil/wrong' - but that's not life. There's two sides to every story, and the only way for us to grow as people is to discuss what happened, and learn from it. I'm glad I got to see this person's POV, and I'm glad I got to apologize for assuming they were doing something hurtful at the time. I couldn't have known where they were coming from, if they didn't explain it to me, though! And similarly, they may have thought I was acting out of malice, if I'd never gotten to speak on how I viewed things on my end!

I love it when people are mature enough to sit through a challenging talk, and understand the other person - it takes courage, and it takes maturity. And my ND means that I appreciate people being very direct and honest - and so I am, as well. (I actually really struggle to lie about anything...ever. It's like a physical discomfort. And deeply, deeply upsetting if I'm the one lied to, or about.) Some people are intimidated by that, I guess, but you can't understand the other person, nor what went wrong... if you aren't direct and honest! PLUS...there's always the chance that you become BETTER friends after a hard talk, because it gives you insight and understanding of one another that you lacked before! Difficult talks don't have to be a bad thing just because they're challenging, or intimidating to go into.

[cherripeach]

Relationship Headcannons

Vice Dorm Leaders pt.1

Trey Clover

Since Trey is a rather sociable person, you were probably drawn to his personality and became friends before either of you considered dating each other. Trey could have met you at any point in his life since he is much more of a welcoming and accepting person than many of the other students; however, this does not mean that he would open up to anyone without them even trying to get to know him. You have to put an effort into getting closer as a friend, and if you want to go even further with him, then you have to consider his feelings and take your time. He will probably realize that he likes you first, but it’s more of a fifty-fifty shot of who realizes first with him. His confession will be something short and sweet, and maybe he’ll bake you your favorite cake or dessert. 

At the beginning of the relationship, Trey will put all of his attention onto your wants whether it is him spoiling you and giving you whatever you want and treating you like a princess or never talking or receiving affection in the relationship. Just remember that communication is important, and Trey needs to be told that he can’t ignore the problems in your relationship and you to make you feel comfortable. You also need to voice how the relationship is going to work in order to get onto the same page and make the relationship flow.

Once a common sense of communication is set up,Trey will voice all of his needs and desires such as his need for physical affection and words of affirmation from you. Trey loves to have your hand in his in public just because it gives him a sense of safety that you, the most important person in his life, are right by his side encouraging him through everything that he does. He loves cheek kisses from you just like he loves giving forehead kisses to you and seeing your reaction to them. He enjoys cuddling with you anytime, but he does not need the daily one unlike he needs your everyday-cheek-kiss.

Dates are usually small cute ones sometimes at home and sometimes in the city. When at home the dates consist of little movie marathons and cuddle sessions while also baking dinner and desserts. He loves to bake with you no matter if you know how to or don’t; he just enjoys basking in your presence while baking. Outside of your cuddling and movie nights, he loves to just go anywhere with you. It could be just window shopping or it could be to a cute little bakery or maybe even a place like laser tag if those even exist; it really does not matter to him. He just adores seeing you find comfort in all of the little outings. He would rather you be comfortable than bring you any place too expensive or too crowded. 

He just really loves protecting you and making sure that you feel well at all points and times. If you ever feel insecure or feel sad please go tell him, he literally is there for you to vent out all of your frustrations too. Good luck getting him off of people who upset you or insult you; he is not going down without a fight. He just wants to protect you and make you feel loved in this world.

Fights will usually happen when he has ignored something wrong in your relationship which can span from just general miscommunication to maybe a problem with your insecurities. That means that fights only occur when something absolutely horrendous takes place in the middle of your relationship. Otherwise, fights won’t happen simply because you two have developed your communication skills as you go along with your relationship. 

Trey will not care if you give others more attention from him because he knows that you will always come running back to his arms. This, however, does not mean that giving him reassurance will hurt; maybe if you give him a kiss or call him a pet name in front of someone who is showing signs of affection toward you he may be especially smitten and happy that day.

In conclusion, this honey will take care of anything you need but just remember to take care of him.

Ruggie Bucchi

This sweetheart is another rather sociable person; however, he is going to like you more if you are someone who helps him get through tough times or through problems that need to be faced together, especially at the beginning. Generally, Ruggie just wants someone who supports him, and you do just that, and your relationship starts because your friendship was based on mutual help and comfort. It really does not matter at what point and time in his life that you two meet because he personally will get close to you if you learn to understand him and want to help him. He will not notice that he has feelings for you until someone points it out simply because he perceives your relationship to be mutually beneficial and not something where he wants to give you everything. Btw, he does want to give you everything. His confession will be short and sweet and knowing him something that can be taken as a confession but also cannot. Good luck saying anything before he runs away. 

Once you two are in the relationship, nothing is gonna change except he might find more time in his schedule to help you out. He still wants the best for you, and now as your boyfriend he wants to make sure that you receive only his best. He will help you get whatever you want within reason, so please do not all of a sudden ask for the most expensive thing on the planet. He also loves to get you little items that he uses to appreciate all that you do to help him. The items can range from a bag of your favorite chips to maybe a cute bracelet that one of the kids made. He may not be able to afford much, but he still tries his best to give you some of the best things. 

He loves your physical affection. Please hug him and kiss him and treat him right. He really wants to bask in your glory and all of your kisses literally any time of day. He also loves to steal kisses at the weirdest and worst times; for example, one time he stole one while you were at NRC in the hallways while Professor Crewel was walking by. Good luck explaining to him why Ruggie not only did PDA in school but also tripped you and ran away. He loves public affection only if you react to it though; he loves to surprise you and others with his affections so please react to it.  Also he loves cuddle times with you because he is simply existing with you in his arms or him in yours; it really doesn't matter to him. 

Dates are mostly at home or chores that he or you have to complete whether it be getting a certain lion places or washing the clothes and cooking meals. Chores are ten times better with his partner in crime. He also really enjoys relaxing with you because it happens so rarely that the time has to be taken as a great gift that he wants to spend it with you; during which, you two run around the house embarrassing each other even while making a fool of yourself. He really just enjoys the little moments with you.

Pranks either with you or on you are his favorite because your reaction to either make his day. He loves for you to join in his mischief because of how you laugh at the person’s misery and because of how excited you are to prank people and join in with him. However, do tell him if his pranks are getting a little out of hand because he will listen to you. 

Fights won’t happen with him simply because he doesn't want to fight you. If you want him to do something then he will with no problems. However, if he gets mad at you it is most likely going to be more of a scolding than a fight. He will only ever get mad at you if it is something concerning your safety or well-being. Don’t yell at this puppy ever; he only wants the best for you.

 Try not to put your attention on anyone else. Since he has finally found someone who he wants to give everything to, he really doesn't want you to give your everything to random people. If the little sweetheart sees you giving someone more attention than he gets, he will pout and even pull a couple pranks on said person, but he really won’t bring it up to you. He does, however, love it when you finally realize that he wants you attention because you just spend most of the day by his side. 

This prankster loves to have you by his side and will do anything he can for you; basically, you have him wrapped around your finger. 

Jade Leech

This sly baby probably meets you through his shady work with Azul. You were probably either a customer of the lounge or someone he was trying to make a deal with, and one way or another you interested him. You probably had a very different reaction to what he was or what was forced upon you in order to get him involved. However, his amusement and interest does not mean at first that he will help you. He will watch over and get closer to you the more you see him and come to the lounge; he just wants to know how you tick. Honestly, he will not become friends with you because he skips that stage to go to the crush stage. You will be the first one to realize that you like him because he always comes to talk to you and asks your opinion on all sorts of stuff that now you desire his presence and his curiosity. If he does realize and confess the situation, he will be very out of his environment and may even blush slightly if you look closely; his suave mask may break a little to show his true emotions with you.

The beginning of the relationship will be a little rough because he has never been in a relationship or really even thought about being in a relationship. He will try to appease you in the relationship by appearing as a gentleman when all he really wants to do is hug you and ask you all sorts of questions. Please communicate with him; he sucks at it the most out of the entire school because he wants to please you and show you how amazing he is which just strokes his ego.  

Give him time to adjust to your relationship; he needs to think about what he wants to do and how he needs to listen to you. Lowkey he adores you, but you will never be able to tell. It will be very awkward because of how distant he is from you, but if you take your time and get to know him and enjoy his presence, everything will work out. 

He does not mind affection in public, but he adores your little kisses that you give to him wherever. He finds the action so sickeningly sweet that he just cannot refuse you; he can really feel your affection through those tiny little affections of yours. He also loves to cuddle you since he gets to feel your body which is so different from his normal body; he also uses that as an excuse to cuddle when he really just likes your body against him because of the heat you emit. He does love when you hug him from behind because it feels so different than how he normally holds you.

Dates usually revolve around his work at the lounge and the ocean. He enjoys you helping out at the lounge especially when you are helping him with anything; he really just wants you to work with him and stay by him no matter what. You two can be doing anything at the lounge: cooking, making drinks, scolding Floyd, and maybe even serving people. Even if it is work that is your date, he just adores spending time with you and even getting to know more about you by watching your habits and reactions to everything. Next, the ocean is his sanctuary and his home, so you two will go there from time to time to swim and enjoy yourselves and take a break if someone does not come along.  He is very excited that he is able to bring you to his home and show you it since he finally grasps how important you are in his life. 

You two do not normally fight, so it has to be a big problem for either of you to get mad at it. After the beginning of the relationship, where you two struggled at communication, you have learned to tell each other if there is anything that you are uncomfortable with or do not like. No fights would ever occur from something small or petty between you two.

He finds that when he sees you with others giving them affections he gets very territorial and protective; the person could literally not even be close to a threat to him but he would still get worried because you mean so much to him. He really doesn't care if you give your friends or someone he trusts affection because he knows they have no interest in taking you away from him; however, at the hint of something close to that he is by your side making sure they get the hint. 

This protective baby wants you to lean on him for support and always be by his side enjoying everything that happens in your lives. 

Have a nice day, and sorry this came out so late!

[glowingstill]

Why I Keep Writing about Intimacy

I write because I care about Intimacy

These past few weeks have been interesting to me looking back. Sometimes, I love to be a helicopter in life. I float myself up above the noise and crowds.  The daily grind, endless scheduling demands, hormonal fluctuations, kids fighting…yeah, I’m sure you’re just as tired as I am reading all of my assignments and thinking of your own as well.

Life gets to be like that.  So mired down with what has to be done NOW, that it is easy to forget the why of what we are doing. Or, even, what are we supposed to be doing. As a writer, I get stuck some days. What should I say?  What words of hope do I want to communicate?

  When I stop looking at the here and now and look at my life from the helicopter view, suddenly things start to come into focus.  The goal is viewable again. My heading is clear. And now I know what to write.

The writer’s block is gone.

In November of 2017, I started this blog with one overarching goal in mind.  I wanted to help couples with intimacy.  The proverbial elephant in the room.  Everyone knows its there. No one wants to talk about it.  Shrouded in mystery and silence, the elephant walks freely around. Bumping into everything it comes into contact with. Painful bumps.

Arguments that last long into the night. Feelings hurt so deeply one wonders if they can recover from it. Forgiveness and healing seem as reachable as the moon.

Arguments can often be traced back to a few things in marriage.

Miscommunication, Money, and Marital Intimacy.  The first two are easy to talk about in retrospect. Financial courses, a good accountant, budgeting classes, and even Dave Ramsey have great advice.  Lessons of learning how to talk and communicate to each other can be easily acquired.

Read also: 5 Rules of Texting to Increase Your Communication in Marriage

But then, the elephant starts to swing his weight around…reminding every person there of the last detail. Intimacy.  “Shhh. Don’t speak of it. And if you do,” the elephant so firmly reminds everyone “make sure you only speak of it in the negative way.”  The quick way to remember this is the three Don’ts.  Don’t think that. Don’t wear that. Don’t say that.

It would be easy to think that I am writing from a deserted island point of view. But these past months of writing has taught that this is so far from the truth. I learn so much from other Christian writers that I want to share the many things that have meant so much to me.  Please click on their links, read the full post for yourself, and learn even more.

Lessons of Modesty

While lessons of modesty, proper and pure thoughts, using our words to glorify a Holy God are extremely important (please note, I am not discounting or slighting these in the least, they are very important) the scale must be balanced.

Balancing the scale of intimacy is very difficult.  The balancing of pure thoughts in marriage is not an impure thought.  Neither is the balance of modesty going to be to visit a nude beach. Holiness is not balanced by sin.

Sheila Gregoire nailed it when she wrote “Reader Question: Why do you Focus so Much on Steamy Sex?”

Flirting with your husband, or drawing attention to a certain part of your body in front of your husband, is not being “dirty” nor is it emphasizing the physical over the other aspects of sex. It’s emphasizing the emotional connection, too, because my husband is the only one who is allowed to see this side of me. So when I do that, it cements our friendship because it’s like a little secret.

The balance is found in Christ and the Bible. It is learning when and where these things are acceptable. When can you have sensual thoughts about your spouse?  When can you wear those lacy items, silk boxers…or nothing at all AND IT BE OK?!?!?

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:25

Adam and Eve saw each other totally. Completely. Nothing hiding. And God said it was very good.  Clothing was not ‘invented’ until after the fall of man and Adam and Eve sewed fig leaves together to hide from God.  In marriage, it is appropriate for the clothing to be removed (in an appropriate setting) because God wants the husband and wife to see each other for who they really are and be deeply ok with that.

How about touch?

It’s a touchy (pun intended) subject no matter how much we want to change it.  Everyone is different. Some people are huggy-feeling. Others are touch-me-not.  Learning where can you touch, and how should you do it transformed my marriage.   So many hurt feelings and shame and fear kept the intimacy between my husband and me at a stale level. Touch is my love language (the spark in my steps, the secret key to my deepest emotions), and admitting that to myself and finally being able to share that intimate secret with my husband has transformed our marriage for the better.

Stuart Tutt summed it up perfectly when he wrote From a Porn Scene Mentality to Intimacy With Your Wife.

Take the time to actually get to know every inch of your spouse’s body. Touch every part and kiss every part…all the while with your eyes open to see her reactions. If she twitches or moans remember that spot and come back to it. Take your time.

Seeing a Christian man write about things such as this was completely refreshing. It’s not just me who is trying to tell people this is so important. Reading a man’s viewpoint of intimacy that honors the woman without pushing his “manly weight” around is a rare find.

The Mirrored Reflection

The view that women have of themselves is hard. Hard is not the right word. But it sums up what I cannot.  We’re presented day after day size 0 models, paper thin, who are the models of beauty and sexiness.  Plus models start at a size 8 or 10.  Promises of a new diet, pill, workout program or Spanx clothing to hide it all help to a point, but at the end of the day, women are struggling.

Without the right view of how we appear and look, it is easy to carry this into the bedroom and into intimacy.  Suddenly the fears of I’m not pretty enough, or I’m not sexy are screaming in our ears.

Pure Couples so elegantly wrote about this when she wrote Help! I Don’t Enjoy Sex Anymore

“Changing hormone levels and dryness also just makes us feel less sexier. When I had our kids, and my husband wanted to have sex, all I could think about was how unsexy I looked with milk leaking from my boobs, C-section scar, and stomach pouch.”

As I read those words, I knew the exact moment of my life that she was talking about. The view I held of myself was one of ‘who would want to be romantic with me when I look like this?‘ No one would be my answer, but God says differently.  He says to me in Jeremiah 33:3 “I have loved thee with an everlasting love.”  God does not look at my external beauty and decide whether or not he wants to love me today.  He chooses His love based upon the finished work of Calvary.  I am His forever!!

The Elephant named “STRUGGLE.”

I love reading other bloggers.  They can say things so much more eloquently than me.  Their words echo the sentiments of my heart, and I just wish my fingers could somehow equal up to that.  Such was the case when I read Julie Sibert’s post titled Sex Isn’t Everything in Marriage…BUT

Sex isn’t everything in marriage. Where this becomes a dangerous slippery slope, though, is when “sex isn’t everything in marriage” drifts into “sex is nothing in our marriage.” Nothing to pursue. Nothing to make time for. Nothing sacred. Nothing to mutually value and enjoy.

What God designed as a non-negotiable becomes heavily negotiated.  The occasional “not tonight” becomes the regular “Not tomorrow night either. Or the night after that.”  

As I wrote in the earlier paragraphs, life is about balance.  Swinging one way to the right or left does no one any real good.  However, the balance between sex and intimacy, again as I wrote, requires real honesty.  As Julie wrote, it’s easy to sneakily try and push the pendulum away.  Sex becomes an act or a chore. A duty. An obligation.  Relegating the magnificent act of intimacy to the level of a chore is demeaning of what God created. We are pushing His creation to a level that is wrong.

Julie continues her post with a “kind nudge” not an “all-out assault on [the] status quo” to really think about what kind of intimacy a couple is having. Is the intimacy your home experiences one that brings you closer to each other and God? 

This question is not at all intended to be blasphemous or flippant. It is a valid question and one that must be answered.   In answer to the statement, Sex isn’t EVERYTHING in a marriage, Julie continues by saying.

BUT I do know that whenever I have heard “sex isn’t everything in marriage,” it has come from the lips of someone eager to justify not only their lack of interest in sex, but also their unwillingness to admit there may be sexual struggles.

Regardless of our ability to admit to the struggles, if they are there…you know it. You know exactly where it is right now. It is easy to not have that desire for intimacy and hide the pains that you are facing. The bitter arguments and the bile all start arriving in the back of your throat. The deep hurt flares your anger and your tears all at once. And it can be too much for any reader reading this.

So what can be done?  Why bring all of this up. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone to just let “sleeping dogs lie”?

The short answer is no. The struggles of marriage will keep coming up, bumping, hurting and eventually destroy your marriage.

So, why do I keep writing about intimacy?

God ordained this act, and He calls it honorable. Marital Intimacy is a gift from God.

The husband and wife relationship mirrors what God wants to do in my heart through prayer and Bible reading.

Sin distorted (changed for the worse) the view of the body.  The body was designed by God and mirrors His image.

God is the Great Physician. He is the only one who can provide healing in a marriage.

I keep writing about intimacy because I care.

I care for your marriage. I saw how deep the hurts can go when I don’t have the proper view of myself hurts the intimacy that a husband and wife can have.  I know the freezing coldness of touch when I’m trying to pretend everything is “just ok.”  The confusion about modesty and letting your spouse see you is difficult to make the transition and you feel right about it.

I keep writing about marriage and intimacy because I want your marriage to be that shining beacon of light and hope to a world who only sees darkness. #intimacy #marriage Click To Tweet

I keep writing about marriage and intimacy because I want your marriage to be that shining beacon of light and hope to a world who only sees darkness.

Matthew 5:14, 16 states, You are the LIGHT of the world…[so] Let your let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

But for you to shine, you have to be complete. You can’t be smudged with the weight of the world and guilt of failure in your marriage.

You have to shine. You have to clean the glass, remove the hurt. Be honest in your love for your spouse and with God.

When you do this.  Your light will shine so brightly, others will see it and know that you are Glowing Still.

              The post Why I Keep Writing about Intimacy appeared first on Glowing Still Johanna Galyen.

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