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yunsangelic · 6 years ago

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captaindboss’ Hottest NHL Players Survey Responses

I’m demonkonecny bc it’s halloween!!! Happy Halloween!!! Anyway I’m finally posting the results of my hottest players per team survey, (it’s closed now so u can’t take it anymore, sorry) which included ur fav ugly hots like jack eichel and connor mcdavid. Y’all had some colorful write-in responses for me, I included my favorites! Anyway, as not to clog dashes I put it under a read more. If you have questions about how I compiled this data or how I organized it, feel free to ask! Also some of y’all didn’t put an answer for like half the teams???? who raised you.

Montreal Canadians

Carey Price (55.02%--126 of 229 votes)

Jonathan Drouin (23.58%--54 of 229 votes)

Shea Weber (13.10%--30 of 229 votes)

Other* (8.30%--19 of 229 votes)

*= Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

“PK Subban...oh wait...Lars Eller... Oh wait...Drouin...oh wait...Alex Galchenyuk...oh wait shit fine Shea Weber”

“Everyone who has escaped”

“their ‘attitude problem’“

Boston Bruins

Brandon Carlo (30.26%--69(lol) of 228 votes)

Patrice Bergeron (Cause y’all would kill me if I didn’t put him) (29.82%--68 of 228 votes)

David Pastrnak (yum i lov carb) (25.88%--59 of 228 votes)

Other* (14.04%--32 of 228 votes)

*= Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

[About Carlo] “He’s a baby but also like has an ageless vampire quality which appeals to my ovaries, long conditioned by teen vampire novels”

“Brad Marchand's tongue (only the tongue)” [this ain’t it chief]

“I love my alien father tuukka rask” [r u ok]

Bonus, cause I’m weak:

“no one THINKS pasta is hot COME ON i hate us” [it’s okay, he is VERY hot, that’s why I put him lmao]

“Zdeno chara babey” [R U OK]

Bl*ckh*wks

Girl as if (44.80%--99 of 221 votes)

Jonathan Toews (22.62%--50 of 221 votes)

If you put pk*ne here i’ll come to your house and murder you*^/other (17.65%--39 of 221 votes)

hahahahaHAHAHA (14.93%--33 of 221 votes)

*= tie between Nick Schmaltz and John Hayden.

^= 3 people want me to come to their houses and murder them, unfortunately it’s still illegal to do so, therefore I will not be doing that.

Write-ins

“toews player portrait makes him look like a human condom”

“i live in chicago and am willing to take 1 for the team and take out k*ne”

“Bitch you funny but also Alex Debrincat”

New York Rangers

Brady Skjei (46.32%--107 of 231 votes)

Henrik Lundqvist duh (31.17%--72 of 231 votes)

Brett Howden is the right answer despite not being on the roster yet^ (11.69% (lol)--27 of 231 votes)

Other* (10.82%--25 of 231 votes)

*= Inconclusive results.

^= funny enough, like 2 days after I made this Brett made the final cut lmao.

Write-ins

“Chris Kreider (have you seen the golf pic???) [LMFAO yeah I have (it’s probably too NSFW if ur in public fyi if u wanna google it)]

“i'm horny for like half the gd rangers roster!!!!” [lol girl I know, y’all actually have a few cuties I was a lil shocked]

“this is a hot team too bad they suck”

Toronto Maple Leafs

Y’all are demons okay Nikita Zaitsev is a fuckin gem idk why I was surprised about this but I was lmao.

Other* (39.37%--87 of 221 votes) [just know that I hate u all :/]

William Nylander (25.79%--57 of 221 votes)

Nazem Kadri (24.89%--55 of 221 votes)

Nikita Zaitsev (9.95%--22 of 221 votes)

*= Freddie Andersen.

Write-ins

“william nylander isn't a leaf, firstable, and second it's motch murner” [sjdhkdlsjdj everything about this]

“i'm putting rich clune even tho he's on the marlies. SOMETIMES HE COMES UP. he could benchpress ever leaf on the roster.” [ur valid, when u sent this I was like “FUCK they’re right.”]

“None they look like 25 year olds who smoke crack in the parking lot” [this is low-key mean but I still laughed, cause yeah, white dudes. But I’m not condoning drug abuse or jokes about drug abuse, as this person had no intention of doing, I’m sure. Just wanted to put that because I know some people might be concerned.]

Bonus, again, weak:

"Jxhn Txvxrxs” [jhkhfoij why did u censor his name sis??]

“nobody’s attractive on the leafs” [this isn’t true but I’m petty and it’s funny.]

Detroit Red Wings

I was so fucking offended by some of the dylan larkin SLANDER up in these write-ins, y’all can come to my house and fight me thx.

Dylan Larkin (48.23%--109 of 226 votes)

Henrik Zetterberg (im crying) (31.42%--71(CRYING) of 226 votes)

Other* (11.95%--27 of 226 votes)

Andreas Athanasiou (8.41%--19 of 226 votes)

*= 12 votes for “No one/Not Dylan Larkin” (yall r annoying lmfao), 10 votes for Filip Zadina (he’s a CHILD how dare u)

Write-Ins

“Luke glen denting is hot look at his arms and he’s not too old for ME” [girl when I tell u this shit killed me, I mean I SQUAWKED a laugh out and sent it to the fps gc, I was DEAD]

“I don't know what any of the red wings look like and it's probably better that way” [????????????????]

“ion know anyone on the wings except zadina and he scored a gwg against the bruins yesterday so my answer for this one is none 😤😤” [(this was in reference to a pre-season game) lmao sis yall are okay. it was yalls babies against our roster players, I would have offed myself had the outcome been any different lmao]

Bonus

“Does anyone actually play for the red wings” [no]

“filip "thot" zadina” [don’t....]

Los Angeles Kings

The only right answer is Alec Martinez (41.56%--96 of 231 votes)

Adrian Kempe (38.10%--88 of 231 votes)

Anze Kopitar (12.12%--28 of 231 votes)

Other* (8.23%--19 of 231 votes)

*= Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

“jeff carter would snort a line of coke with gritty” [uhhhhh WHAT]

“uhh wayne gretzky...” [jvfluhddsf sis...]

“I couldn't name anyone on this team if you PAID ME” [fjldfdhfh god I wish that were me, sorry annie u know I joke....]

Philadelphia Flyers

Claude Giroux (44.78%--103 of 230 votes)

Travis Konecny (HAHAHAHAHA that’s my ugly hot gremlin) (24.78%--57 of 230 votes

Other* (22.17%--51 of 230 votes

Wayne Simmonds (8.26%--19 of 230 votes)

*= Nolan Patrick is apparently who y’all think is the 3rd hottest flyer, even tho he Looks Like That rn lmao. fuckin’ lettuce head.

Write-ins

“Gritty's googly eyes are the windows to the soul”

“andrea helfrich” [ur right]

“tk, because country boy i LOVE you 😛”

Bonus

“hey don't make threats abt gritty like that” [I put “if you put gritty i’ll block you”]

“My hellspawn son [Gritty,] is beautiful can’t believe Voracek and G had a son tho” [HDKUHEDKJFHD BITCH]

Pittsburgh Penguins :(

Kris Letang (55.17%--128 of 232 votes)

Other* (19.40%--45 of 232 votes)

Not Sidney Crosby [this is the option for Sidney Crosby] (16.81%--39 of 232 votes)

Tristan Jarry (8.62%--20 of 232 votes

*= different variations of “none” won but only by one vote, the person right behind was Jamie Oleksiak.

Write-ins

“the penguins roster came into my home and killed my entire family, but jamie oleksiak is 6'7" 255 lbs of A Man” [NDKFHSJRFDRBSKRFH valid]

“no penguin has ever been hot. As soon as they put on the jersey the hotness evaporates. Tragic.” [wow look at all that truth right there]

“as a heterosexual i chose letang, and as a flyers fan i choose the penguin mascot” [lmao girl letang is not the answer either]

St. Louis Blues

Colton Parayko (67.11%--151 of 225 votes)

Alex Pietrangelo (17.33%--39 of 225 votes)

Other* (8%--18 of 225 votes)

Ryan O’Reilly (7.56%--17 of 225 votes)

*= Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

“this [’other’] box shouldn’t exist there are no valid arguments against the angel colton parayko” [tru, but the blues have other hotties so I made the box to be fair to those of us who don’t like Big Blonde Sexies]

“uh valid i guess? idk any of the blues lmao” [LMAOOO I think they meant Vladdy, but “valid” cracked me up]

“ROR can lay me down” [ur so valid lmao]

Buffalo Sabres

Jeff Skinner (60.18%--136 of 226 votes)

Rasmus Ristolainen (17.26%--39 of 226 votes)

Other* (14.16%--32 of 226 votes)

Jack Eichel (8.41%--19 of 226 votes)

*= Inconclusive results. [Y’all big mad that I put Skinner on here. HE’S HOT!]

Write-ins

“Idk but not these lmao” [*instert that gif of the kardashians like “DON’T BE FUCKING RUDE”*]

“Why is Jeff Skinner an option he looks 12″ [who else tho sis. I looked at the roster!]

“If anyone says eichel i will come to their house and steal their toothbrushes. Its conor sheary.” [I took my own survey and picked Eichs but I still have my toothbrush so I guess......... I’m right.]

Bonus:

“Rasmus Ristolainen kinda looks like a creepy half-alive Ken doll, but I'll stand by my choice. Hire an exorcist.” [JDFKHRFWEH GIRL]

“They lost their only cute player when O’Reilly got traded sorry” [boom. roasted]

Vancouver Canucks

Brock Boeser (67.56%--152 of 225 votes)

Other* (13.78%--31 of 225 votes)

Jake Virtanen (12.44%--28 of 225 votes)

Ben Hutton (6.22%--14 of 225 votes)

*=Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

“[about Jake Virtanen] all that ass...........” [sjdkfhdkfhdkhfi yeah]

“the city of vancouver” [?????????????????????]

“I keep forgetting that the canucks actually exist” [I’m reasonably sure this is annie lmfao]

Bonus

“I don’t know how any of this team looks either” [idk if I follow Nucks blogs or what but how do u not know Boeser???]

“i don't care enough about this team to even attempt to answer” [this is my brain @ me on the last 5 questions of an exam]

New York Islanders

Mat Barzal (67.69%--155 of 229 votes)

Tito Beauvillier (14.85%--34 of 229 votes)

Jordan Eberle (10.48%--24 of 229 votes)

Other* (6.99%--16 of 229 votes)

*=Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

“you say put full names but then u go and say tito??” [LISTEN I was tired at this point and forgot that I was trying to be at least a little bit professional about my thirst survey alright? yeesh]

“Its Matt Martin my dude” [LMAO u funny]

“idk how anyone pays attention to mat when tito is always there looking better barzal looks like every attractive jock ive ever met and i dont trust that”

Calgary Flames

Noah Hanifin (37.95%--85 of 224 votes)

Elias Lindholm (32.59%--73 of 224 votes)

Matthew Tkachuk (20.54%--46 of 224 votes)

Other* (8.93%--20 of 224 votes)

*= Sean Monahan wins 4th hottest.

Write-ins

“[Hanifin] looks like the bad guy in a teen movie. the guy the Main Girl is dating in the beginning but is a real dick to her. you look at him and you KNOW he has a trust fund and votes republican. god he's so hot though” [hanny......... yeah.... yeah....]

“Why do I find Tkachuk attractive? I don't know but I love him” [me too]

“James 'The Real Deal' Neal” [lol I got this answer multiple times]

Washington Capitals

Tom Wilson (31.33%--73 of 233 votes)

Andre Burakovsky (29.18--68 of 233 votes)

Braden Holtby (24.03%--56 of 233 votes)

Other* (15.45%--36 of 233 votes)

*= Michal Kempny and Nicklas Backstrom tied for fourth hottest.

Write-ins

“literally no one, i s2g if i see anyone say ovi is attractive..... jfc god help them” [.... but ovi is dad-hot, also he got 3 votes]

“YOUR STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS! Everyone btw just a hot team of hot ugly men and Tom Wilson” [kskdjskdjksks]

“my sweaty swedish sweetheart; Nicklas Backstrom” [I’m too illiterate to read this right the first time thru lol]

Colorado Avalanche

Gabe Landeskog ( 55.95%--127 of 227 votes)

Other* (22.47%--51 of 227 votes)

Erik “Horsegirl” Johnson (14.1%--32 of 227 votes)

Mikko Rantanen (7.49%--17 of 227 votes)

*= Tyson Barrie won by more than double of all the other write-ins, but honorable mentions go to Nate MacK, Colin Wilson, Tyson Jost, Phillip Grubauer, and The Avs Tumblr People.

Write-ins - I (jokingly) got called bitch so much in these write-ins, y’all feel some type of WAY about this team lmfao.

“but also the tysons. i would buy a whole farm just so those boys could plow me into the ground.” [i’m SCREECHING. this killed me lol]

“only attractive b/c of his proximity to horses? maybe so.” [.... girl what]

Okay, so instead of a third quote, cause I couldn’t pick, I’m gonna put all the other funny EJ comments I was contemplating:

“ej is soooo ugly in the hottest way possible”

“erik "big horny" johnson”

“oh my god Ej was included for once I'm weeping tears of joy”

“What that mouth do EJ?”

New Jersey Devils

Miles Wood (36.12%--82 of 227 votes)

Taylor Hall (33.48%--76 of 227 votes)

Brian Boyle (19.82%--45 of 227 votes)

Other* (10.57%--24 of 227 votes)

*= Nico Hischier with the majority of the write-ins, even tho he’s still a CHILD (under 20).

Write-ins, aka Mostly Taylor Hall Commentary.

“Does Michael McLeod count” [YES girl i love that boy]

“Gucciiiiiii”

“DSL GUCCI”

“Nico Hischier (Taylor Hall I still love you)”

“i chose taylor and i don’t even need a gucci purse”

“If Taylor Hall gave me a Gucci purse I'd vote for him”

“catch me w/ a gucci purse, girl!!!! for real tho miles wood”

Dallas Stars

DISCLAIMER: I mean no disrespect to Katie, she’s fab and I made this survey a month or so ago. If you don’t know what I mean by this--do not ask me, I will delete the message. Thank you!

Tyler Seguin (46.96%--108 of 230 votes)

Katie Hoaldridge (im gay) (35.22%--81 of 230 votes)

Other* (13.91%--32 of 230 votes)

Stephen Johns (3.91%--9 of 230 votes)

*= Jamie Benn.

Write-ins

“tyler seguin has no upper lip” [I screamed, not exaggerating]

“You have to choose [Seguin] but I do so under duress”

“Im gay too” [hell yeah, this is a mlm and wlw friendly survey!]

Edmonton Oilers

Jujhar Khaira (28.57%--64 of 224 votes)

Other* (27.68%--62 of 224 votes)

Contract McMoney (he is hot) (25.89%--58 of 224 votes)

Darnell Nurse (17.86%--40 of 224 votes)

*= Leon Draisaitl won by more than 5 times anyone elses write-in lmao.

Write-ins ft. “The Draisaitl Quotes”

“McMoney’s money- just his money” [lmao ok sammie, HE’S HOT!]

“cannot mcwingames went off in the gq shoot i admit” [*annie voice* OHMYGOD]

“He’s [Khaira] like a romance novel cover like, f me” [tru]

Drai Quotes

“Drai but like lucic cause Momma needs a man that could kill me” [HDGFDHDGFHDH]

“leon dreisetl (is that his name, is this how you spell it?)”

“Leon Draisaitl and his contract that he doesn't deserve” [backhanded compliment lmao]

“the one w the longass name. dry saitl or whatever” [girl. lmfao]

Winnipeg Jets

Jets/laine fans are funny so I’m adding all the funniest ones instead of just 3 or 5. Sorryyyyyy I’m here to entertain.

Blake Wheeler (44.04%--96 of 218 votes)

Mathieu Perreault (but specifically in his newest headshot) (21.56%--47 of 218 votes)

Other* (19.27%--42 of 218 votes)

Connor Hellebuyck (15.14%--33 of 218 votes)

*= Patrik Laine, even tho I said NOT TO, demons.

Write-ins

“Their logo so I can fly away from this stupid team”

“Nobody but I just needed to point out Connor Hellebuyck looks like a stage magician and that is Not Hot” [i respectfully disagree with the last bit but the first parts made me snort]

“I don't know who windy pegg is”

“Boeing 747″ [sjdjsljlshgdu]

“they’re all second to jacob trouba’s dog Donnie”

“Patty Laine, but like, without the demon beard”

“Let me live my life! Laine has a good voice and i have a LANGUAGE KINK!”

“Laine WITH the beard because I don't fear death”

“Sorry, Laine but only with his beard” [I love the halfhearted apology]

“Goatboi”

“ALL HAIL THE GOAT DEVIL”

“laine come at me bitch lol” [denny’s parking lot. 3 am. be there.]

“laine looks like a goat”

“Laine’s Beard”

“LAINE I like the beard but hockey Satan is good to hellebuyck” [I really felt like I was tripping balls while reading all these but, ESPECIALLY this one lmfao]

Arizona Coyotes

Oliver Ekman-Larsson (30.32%--67 of 221 votes)

Jakob Chychrun (28.05%--62 of 221 votes)

Dylan Strome (26.24%--58 of 221 votes)

Other* (15.38%--34 of 221 votes)

*= Alex Galchenyuk, with the majority of the votes.

Write-ins

“pls date me Chych” [annie, that’s my BF!]

“ 🐼 there is no raccoon emoji >:(”

“[Chychrun] [a]lso has a vampire quality but like trust fund baby vampire who has no morals. I’m...into it??”

Honorable mentions: The 2 people who put Biz lmaoooo I love yall.

Carolina Hurricanes

Andrei Svechnikov [he’s a baby but I didn’t know who elseeee] (38.29%--85 of 222 votes)

Haydn Fleury (35.59%--79 of 222 votes)

Other* (15.77%--35 of 222 votes)

Dougie Hamilton (10.36%--23 of 222 votes)

*= Sebastian Aho wins the write-in vote [he ain’t it!]

Write-ins

“Justin Faulk (I’m old so svechnikov is out)” [ugh ur right I didn’t make this more inclusive to people not my age, i’m (genuinely) sorry!!!]

“Formerly Eric ‘the hottest Staal' Staal” [only on the cane’s write-in would I have this happen...]

“[Jordan] staal terrifies me but that's hot” [true!]

San Jose Sharks

Erik Karlsson (70.04%--159 of 227 votes)

Martin Jones (17.62%-- 40 of 227 votes)

Other* (11.01%--25 of 227 votes)

Justin Braun (idk) (1.32%--3 of 227 votes)

*= Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

“Daddy shark (doo doo doo)” [just so yall know this is, of course, annie, as in anzekopistar, an actual demon, she’s talking about Erik Karlsson :)]

“Brent Burns, you know im right” [are you tho?]

“Okay sometimes I have needs I think Joe Thorton sans beard could fill” [this is why joe shaved. he felt this person in the universe wanting him to, so he did, wow thank u joe]

Ottawa Senators (lol)

Matt Duchene (33.63%--75 of 223 votes)

The entire team (cause they’re a dumpster fire) (30.94%-- 69 [it’s that tkachuk fuckboi energy] of 223 votes)

Other (there are none)* (22.87%--51 of 223 votes)

Spartacat (12.56%--28 of 223 votes)

*= Inconclusive results (because a lot of you took my “there are none” joke a little too seriously and just chose that, no write-in lmao)

Write-ins

“[about Duchene] he's traitorous but it's like that sometimes i guess” [sjdhdjfhkdhf girl it’s okay.]

“.... we're a team“ [i-]

“the senator on their jerseys is p cute ig”

Bonus:

“oh so spartacat is an option but not gritty huh” [LISTEN the flyers are a HOT team, the sens are NOT. that’s why lmao]

“Just based on headshots I’m going with Ben Sexton like also how do you go wrong with that name”

Tampa Bay Lightning

Brayden Point (55.25%--121 of 219 votes)

Other* (22.83%--50 of 219 votes)

Mitchell Stephens (11.87%--26 of 219 votes)

Steve Yzerman (10.05%--22 of 219 votes)

*= Inconclusive results. Although there were a lot of responses none of them added up significantly sooo....

Write-ins

“am i the only one who thinks stevie y was a bit of a twink when he was younger?” [jdhslihdalskdjefh]

“Worst team in the league i hate them and theyre all hideous” [u sure bout that, bud?]

“Stamkos (I love his tiny eyes)” [????]

Florida Panthers

Aaron Ekblad (71.75%--160 of 223 votes)

Aleksander Barkov [r yall ok???] (11.66%--26 of 223 votes)

Other* (10.31%--23 of 223 votes)

Vincent Trocheck (6.28%--14 of 223 votes)

*= Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

“who are the panthers” [sometimes a team is a dog captain, a(n extremely hot) 27-year-old lawyer, and not owen tippett because the panthers hate me specifically]

“Roberto Luongo during Parkland speech” [... valid]

“barkov is literally the only player i know on this team” [shey would be happy to teach u about the panthers!]

Anaheim Ducks

Adam Henrique (52.47%--117 of 223 votes)

No one else (29.6%--66 of 223 votes)

Other* (10.76%--24 of 223 votes)

John Gibson (7.17%--16 of 223 votes)

*=Inconclusive results.

Write-ins-Ducks fans don’t @ me but i’m pretty sure half of these were submitted by y’all anyways....

“if i look @ anyone on the ducks roster for more than 5 seconds i BLACK OUT” [KSHDGJDHSKH Adam tho....]

“Quack Quack go lay your eggs somewhere else you feathered FUCKS” [sjdjfhdjsksj]

“legal 2 say kesler?” [no. go to jail]

Bonus

“Henrique is fine I have no qualms about your selections” [thnk u]

“jared coreau!!! GOOGLE HIM i’m right” [I said this, and we’ve talked, but I need people to know that I, after seeing this, subsequently found out that the Wings didn’t sign coreau back this offszn lmao]

Nashville Predators

Roman Josi (39.39%--91 of 231 votes)

PK Subban (37.66%--87 of 231 votes)

Kevin Fiala (13.42%--31 of 231 votes)

Other* (9.52%--22 of 231 votes)

*= Pekka Rinne for 4th hottest. [My mom loves him for his name lol. she says it’s “fun”]

Write-ins

“pk wears cool hats. I like that in a man”

“I don't find any of them hot (Josi used too be hot and then I learned he was illiterate and now I feel nothing but pity towards him)” [GIRL]

“preds are also ugly. pk subban would be attractive if he werent a pred” [lmao. what’d they do to u ?]

Columbus Blue Jackets

Pierre-Luc Dubois (50.22%--113 of 225 votes)

Zach Werenski (20.44%--46 of 225 votes)

Josh Anderson (16.89%--38 of 225 votes)

Other* (12.44%--28 of 225 votes)

*= Alex Wennberg is 4th hottest [lmao]

Write-ins

“Can I put werenskie and Anthony Duclair” [valid]

“Just to be clear CBJ is by far the hottest team exemplified by the fact that you left Seth Jones and Alexander Wenneberg off this list when they're like top 20 in hotness. Also Nick Foligino wins if we include looks and personality.” [I didn’t include them cause this is a mix of hot and ugly hot fam, the avs are 100% the hottest team in the NHL, and that’s coming from me, a Wings fan, destined to hate the Avs for my entire life. Also???? The hotter Foligno is def Marcus lmao]

“[About Werenski] only with the scar though otherwise seth jones” [GIRL scars don’t disappear??? WDYM only with the scar??? Are you a time traveler??? lmfaooo]

Minnesota Wild

J.T. Brown (46.46%--105 of 226 votes)

Other* (21.68%--49 of 226 votes)

Eric Staal (20.80%--47 of 226 votes)

Jason Zucker (11.06%--25 of 226 votes)

*= Charlie Coyle. Honorable mentions to Zach Parise and Matt Dumba.

Write-ins

“Charlie Coyle man! V hot, could kill you, gently waves at babies, 10/10″ [exactly my type! wow]

“ Not JT[,] Lexi is the hottest[,] Eric Staal from a few years ago is also hot” [I added commas to your thing cause.... girl it took me a sec to understand what u were tryna say. But also ur right it’s Lexi.]

“love a #wokebae jt” [yaaas]

FINALLY this legit took me like 10+ hours of work cause I had to transcribe all the info cohesively and then go thru all the responses lmao.

Vegas Golden Knights

William Karlsson (40.52%--94 of 232 votes)

Marc-Andre Fleury (30.60%--71 of 232 votes)

Max Pacioretty (16.81%--39 of 232 votes)

Other* (12.07%--28 of 232 votes)

*= Inconclusive results.

Write-ins

“[Karlsson] because he looks like young Bill from Mamma Mia” [shfhdjdhf girl]

“fleury isn't hot you absolute monster” [???????? drink ur bitterness tea somewhere else pls]

“let's find out just how wild this boy is” [pftd dtduftdhjfgdjfghdjf]

Bonus/Honorable mentions:

The TWO people who put “colin miller’s eyelashes” lmfaoooo

Alrighty this is The End! If you’d like to see another survey by me let me know in my messages/ask!!! Also sorry for stealing de la Rose from u, habs fans

#pkane tw #arizona coyotes #anaheim ducks #buffalo sabres #boston bruins #calgary flames #detroit red wings #philadelphia flyers #dallas stars #toronto maple leafs #pittsburgh penguins #new york rangers #new york islanders #carolina hurricanes #washington capitals #colorado avalanche #edmonton oilers #winnipeg jets

36 notes · View notes

roseate7 · 6 years ago

Note

Re: your latest post about McDavid- i’m Not a McDavid fan in anyway (he’s even more dull than Crosby’s public persona, I hated his Trump costume, and from fan accounts seems like a bit of a jerk) and I am a Crosby stan, but I do think you’re downplaying McDavid’s accomplishments a bit. Winning two Art Rosses in a row isn’t nothing, nor is having 2 100 point seasons in a row in this era. I think Crosby was a better player in his prime- his shot was WAY better, vision, tenacity, etc, tho.

That’s just the point though, and kind of a good litmus test, is that I never commented on McDavid’s personal achievements apart from saying that he isn’t living up to the mega hype created about him in anything but his personal points scoring. Which I’m afraid is true, considering that his narrative is about beating absolutely everyone - active or retired - as the best of all time. There’s simply no reason outside of being an Oilers fan to think that, and I’ll get to more of at the end*. But the point is that when you suggest that he’s not beaten Crosby, it’s taken as the same as saying he’s no good. That’s a bad sign for a player.

There are plenty of talking points about McDavid - the majority of them are his speed and points generating ability which a fair amount of current players in the NHL can boast - but none of it stands out as his own because the entire narrative of his professional career is about unseating Crosby from his place among the top 10 greats of all time (or top 5 depending which era of hockey you mean).

And McDavid absolutely has had it in his power to deter that narrative because as I said in my post, Crosby managed to deflect it early on and ever since. But the literal headline of “BETTER THAN CROSBY” (yawn) only serves to make non-Oilers fans laugh. Sportsnet alone has been generating headline after headline about the NHL100 despite it being widely panned in hockey after last year’s omission of Evgeni Malkin. Not to mention - and I adore Carey Price - how high Price is on that list this year. No one takes that list seriously lol. It’s like Alex Ovechkin being called The Greatest Athlete. No one listens to ESPN and them choosing a hard-partying part-time captain of a team known as chokers who has to be specifically goaded into training was a great reminder of why.

Hey, I have no reason not to give McDavid the same fair attention I do to all young players because I want the league to have great young players. Just as I wanted Crosby to be great even though I’d lived with Gretzky and Lemieux in my lifetime. There’s no sense of threat for me and for most older fans because we know this drill. All we hope is that hockey stays great.

But apart from having sports media, Oilers fans and only slightly less-obviously McDavid himself simply telling me that this talented youngster has already beaten the greatest active player in the league, the evidence isn’t there. Sure, certain hardware and certain records he’s beaten Crosby in. But that’s the rub of modern hockey: McDavid will be unseated in those before he knows it when you look at the fitness and skill of rookies nowadays. Gone are the days of resting on borrowed individual laurels throughout your career because in just one or two drafts, the hottest new thing will come along to be better. Crosby is more than just an active player in that, he’s still one of the biggest thrills about it. McDavid… is too early to tell. The ride is good for now. But it’s not matching the selling price of besting everyone in the world.

Fortunately for the Penguins franchise and it’s fans, Crosby’s individual achievements and records are a side note to what make him considered by the league as the greatest living player. Those individual achievements are and continue to be staggering, especially considering that he’s come back multiple times from career-ending injuries and extended periods out. (I am a Kariya fan, don’t @ me) Crosby’s sources of greatness and ability to drive every team he captains to success time and again are not qualities currently being displayed in any great degree by McDavid. It’s a false economy to use Crosby as his barometer for success. Actually, a guy like Ovechkin would be a perfect comparison for McDavid if it weren’t for hockey’s inherent inability to cross NA and Russian streams. Big celebrity, out to beat everybody, one big hot shot skill he’s known for, lots of hardware and personal glory, captaincy that’s adequate but honestly debatable and probably better in someone else, and even when his team is losing he’s winning in popularity and points. I’ll even give up credit for this idea if someone will kick start replacing Crosby with Ovechkin in McDavid’s The Newness.

*The truth is that McDavid is extremely talented, but each generation has big talents with immense promise. The hockey saviour mentality is as old as the hockey I’ve been watching. I’ve seen a lot of them come and stay, and a lot of them and go without much of a footnote. What you will see time and again in evidence and as stated by folks who really know hockey is that the greats who stood the test of time remained standing because they had a team-oriented mentality and they loved the game even in the tough times.

McDavid is a part of the individual celebrity era that’s taken hold these past couple of drafts. He’s exactly what younger fans want: active on social media, comfortable being in the spotlight and his achievements are particularly effective on short hockey memories. Those achievements are even more effective for his own personal PR. He is at least willing if not participatory in permitting the narrative of him being permanently attached to Crosby’s name and career. He’s a celebrity.

But there is no point in continuing this association because the qualities of Crosby’s playing that will always make him a more desirable choice in the league’s fantasy draft are the same qualities that have kept him behind in the runnings for hardware and plaudits: team-centric, unselfish, a playmaker, unfailingly self-disciplined and modest. When you look at the usual list of all time greats, those qualities are resoundingly more valuable than a slap shot, being the fastest or putting up the best show for their own points every game. You don’t become an all time great in team sports by individually being great, and you certainly don’t make a great captain in the mercurial sport of hockey by being primarily lauded as a points scorer or a celebrity. It’s why someone like Ovechkin will retire never having been able to catch up the lead Crosby established early on in their supposed interpersonal competition. He’ll still be famous, but he won’t have the same esteem.

When Crosby was the age McDavid is now, he had turned down an offer of captaincy in order to take it at a better time for the team and enjoyed a glittering young personal career while garnering a respect for his selflessness and vision. All without trying to be someone else or follow in their wake. He just played hockey the best way you can play it for the good of your team and presented himself the best way you can for the good of the sport. But Crosby is not a celebrity, he only gained celebrity by being the best and becoming esteemed in a way and to a degree that arguably only Gretzky and Orr have been in hockey history.

Crosby at thirty-one, and not remotely on a “downward slope of his career” (lmao back-to-back Cups and then a playoff appearance in which he logged club record playoff points does not a downward slope make) already is one of the all time greats and he’s considered so by the all time greats.

And that is exactly why, unlike other players, Crosby is still active and placed at the top but already has younger players trying to become him. This is the first time in my personal knowledge of hockey history that a player who is not only not retired but still in the stride of his career, has been considered someone that younger players already use as a playbook for their own careers. He’s not a competitor to them, he’s already had the kind of career they want to look back on. Except he’s not even close to done. Thirty-one now is not thirty-one as it used to be on a hockey player’s body. Thirty-one on someone as disciplined as Crosby is not thirty-one at all.

So it’s time to disentangle McDavid from Crosby and have him do his own thing, whether that turns out to be brilliance or not. That’s his job. He’ll do a lot better by focusing inward rather than on Crosby and the media/fanbase surrounding him will flatter him better if they stop basing his every success on the constant basis of being better than someone else.

And it’ll prove a lot less disappointing in the long run if he isn’t placed in positions now that he hasn’t earned. That method is always, every single time, disastrous for a young player’s development.

#inbox #original posts #btw I appreciate this kind of ask a whole hell of a lot #so don't take my reaction to the subject as a negative reaction to the ask #because this is what I love to talk about!#Anonymous

25 notes · View notes

erisatotheright · 6 years ago

Note

2, 6 12, 148

2. Are you outgoing or shy?Outgoing for sure lol I can make friends with people behind me in line at the grocery store. Ya girl don’t have a shy bone in her body.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?All kinds lol but mainly people who give off a good energy and vibe. I can’t fuck with no negative energies jah feeeeeel

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Ok um this is a hard question because this changes every single day.... Currently: Japanese Denim-Daniel Caesar, Humming-Turnover, Simplify-Young the Giant, Buzzin-Alina Baraz, Cancelled-Bryson Tiller

148. What’s your favorite quote?“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” -Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott

2 notes · View notes

flauntpage · 7 years ago

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Olympic Disappointment, Goaltending Debates, and Team Sweden Sings

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: The Golden Knights' Twitter account. The league's newest franchise might not be very good at managing its blueline, but you have to admit its Twitter presence is pretty solid. Let's enjoy it while it lasts, before there's a joke that offends one person and the account ends up posting generic GIF reactions like every other team.

The second star: Roberto Luongo's sadness. News that Cubs fan villain Steve Bartman would get his own World Series ring made for the feel-good sports story of the summer—but not for everyone.

The first star: Sidney Crosby's cake. The Penguins' captain had his day with the Cup this week, and celebrated with an epic cake that recalls the family dryer he once used for target practice in the basement.

Debating the Issues

This week's debate: The NHL Network released a list of the top ten goaltenders in the league right now. And as with any attempt at a ranked list, plenty of fans didn't agree with their choices. Was it a good list?

In favor: I mean, I guess it was OK. It was fine.

Opposed: What? Are you crazy? That list was terrible. Everyone says so!

In favor: Was it though? I mean, this is all subjective, and there were a few picks that were questionable, but I didn't see anything that bad.

Opposed: You weren't looking very hard. Carey Price at No. 1 is fine, I guess, and Braden Holtby is a good pick for No. 2. But then the whole thing goes completely to hell. Matt Murray in the top five? He hasn't even played two full seasons. Jonathan Quick is overrated as always. And Pekka Rinne in the top ten? Is it 2012?

The Price is right. Photo by Eric Bolte-USA TODAY Sports

In favor: Well, they're clearly factoring in playoff success with those guys, and sure, that may not be wise. But that's the whole point of these lists, right? Generating some fun debate for fans.

Opposed: There's nothing fun about it, and there's no debate. The list is wrong, period. Whoever put it together clearly never watched a hockey game in their lives.

In favor: OK, so if their list is so bad, what does your top-ten ranking look like?

Opposed: I mean, Cam Talbot is already ahead of Henrik Lundqvist? Come on!

In favor: Cool. So your list would be…

Opposed: Martin Jones? Get out of here!

In favor: Right, got it. Their list is bad. What does your version look like?

Opposed: Oh trust me, my list would be way better.

In favor: Great. Let's hear it.

Opposed: I mean, you have to find a spot for Corey Crawford, right? Not to mention Tuukka Rask and Cory Schneider. Maybe even Craig Anderson after the year he had last season.

In favor: And who do they bump off the list?

Opposed: I don't know, but they've all got to be there.

In favor: That's not how top-ten lists work. See, the key word is "ten," meaning you're going to have to limit yourself to—

Opposed: Wait, maybe John Gibson, too. And Roberto Luongo deserves some credit for long-term consistency, right?

In favor: But where? In what order?

Opposed: Oh, my list would be in order, don't you worry.

In favor: And that list would be…

Opposed: Way better than theirs.

In favor: OK, see, this is the problem with ranked lists. You spend all this time putting one together, and then everyone rips on a single pick here or a specific ranking there. But nobody ever says, "Here's my list that's better," because then that would open them up to criticism, too. They just want to complain as loudly as possible about whatever's been put in front of them.

Opposed: But isn't the whole point of making these lists to spark debate?

In favor: Sure, but debate isn't "What an idiot." That's just kneejerk negativity. You're never going to agree with every single pick on a list, so why not engage a little more intelligently than just typing "LOL"?

Opposed: Yeah, but nobody's going to make a whole list of their own just so they can—wait a second. Do you get the sense that the author is projecting a little bit here?

In favor: Oh yeah, absolutely.

Opposed: Honestly, he's laying it on a little thick for my tastes.

In favor: Yeah, we get it already.

Opposed: LOL, what an idiot.

The final verdict: This is the 27th best debate section ever featured in this column and there's no arguing it.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Do you still have "Hrudey on Duty" stuck in your head? Oh, you finally got rid of it a few days ago. Well, it's back now. Sorry about that.

For this week's obscure player, let's go with a guy who had some decent years as Kelly Hrudey's backup in Los Angeles: Robb Stauber.

Stauber was picked by the Kings in the sixth round of the 1986 draft, one pick ahead of future heavyweight champion (for like a week) Troy Crowder. By 1992, he'd appeared in just two NHL games, and was sporting a not-fantastic career GAA of 7.95.

That year, though, a 25-year-old Stauber ended up earning a roster spot behind Hrudey, and he played well. He appeared in 31 games that season, winning 15, and also wore cool goalie pads with playing-card kings on them. With Hrudey struggling in the playoffs, Barry Melrose had Stauber start three straight games against the Flames. He won all three, sending the Kings on to second round of what would end up being a run all the way to the Stanley Cup Final.

He returned as Hrudey's backup for the 1993-94 season, and while his save percentage and goals against improved, his record dipped to 4-11-5. It would be his last full season in L.A., as he was traded to Buffalo midway through the 1994-95 season as part of the deal that brought Grant Fuhr to the Kings. He appeared in just six games for the Sabres, and then spent the next five years in the minors (where he once scored a goal) before retiring in 1999.

Three last things you need to know about Robb Stauber:

He spells his first name with two "B"s, so he's not to be trusted.

He's the subject of a fantastic comment section on this random YouTube video, in which two guys start insulting each other, realize there's been a misunderstanding, and then bond over a shared love of Robb Stauber.

You're going to see a lot of him at this year's Olympics, where he'll be the head coach of the U.S. women's national team.

(Special thanks to Kings blogging legend PumperNicholl for helping me track down a shot of Stauber's goalie pads.)

Be It Resolved

Any lingering hopes that the NHL will head to the Olympics appear to be officially dead, with the league announcing this week that even minor-league players with NHL deals won't be allowed to play. Why? Nobody knows, but this is the NHL, so there you have it.

So after five straight Olympics of seeing the absolute best in the world going head-to-head, this year's tournament will feature… well, not that. The teams will be made up of some combination of amateurs, pros from the KHL and other leagues, and NHLers who are out of work or retired.

It will still be good hockey. And no doubt, the guys playing it will be putting it all on the line. The NHL is expected back for the 2022 Games, so this will literally be the one and only chance for most of these guys to win a gold medal for their country. It's still the Olympics, and it still matters.

But it won't be the same.

I hate writing that, but it's true. After spoiling us with legitimate best-on-best competition for two decades, the 2018 tournament will feel like the Olympics in name only. That reads like an insult to the guys who'll be taking part (and I do mean guys, since the women will still be the best in the world). It's tempting to pretend that it's still the same thing, and that the tournament will mean just as much as it did when it was Crosby vs. Ovechkin or Gretzky vs. Hasek or Oshie vs. everyone. But for most fans, it won't. If we're being honest, purely in terms of the talent involved, this will be a big step down from even the World Championships.

It's like if I spent my whole life wanting to win a Pulitzer, and then one year they changed the rules so that Pulitzer was an award for making jokes about things that happened in the NHL 30 years ago, and then I won it because all the best writers in the world weren't eligible anymore. I mean, it's still a Pulitzer, so I've kind of achieved my dream, but we all know it's not the same thing.

That doesn't mean you can't enjoy the 2018 Olympics. Heck, some of you will enjoy it more—the old-school amateur spirit, and all that. But not everyone is going to be rolling out of bed in the middle of the night to see their country's B team go for gold.

So let's try this: Be it resolved that we all just agree that you're allowed to feel however you want about the 2018 Olympic hockey tournament. If you ignore it, fine, but don't roll your eyes at those who watch. If you love it, great, but don't lecture those who can't get into it. Watch it or don't, as much or as little as you think it deserves. There are no right answers here.

Well, there was one, but the NHL decided not to give it to us.

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

Here's the bright side of this Olympics mess: At least it restores some of the suspense. Let's face it, these days we all know who's going to win these things. It's Team Canada, every time, and the only question is whether anyone manages to even win a game against them along the way. (Spoiler alert: Nobody ever does.)

It might be kind of neat to go back to a format where Canada was always an underdog, the Americans had a fighting chance, and the European teams could honestly claim they had a shot at gold. So today, let's celebrate that sense of optimism in the way we love best: through late-80s hockey team rock anthems.

Welcome back to 1989. The World Championships are about to take place and Team Sweden is pretty fired up about it. They're hosting the tournament this year, and they want to let the world know that they're ready to kick some ass. But how?

Luckily, somebody has slipped them a copy of the Washington Capitals Greatest Hits, and after checking their "What Would Neil Sheehy Do?" bracelets, they've decided to put on matching outfits and lip sync some music magic.

In Swedish, by the way. Trust me, that makes it all roughly ten times better.

So we start off with some small Swedish children clapping and singing, and I'm so tempted to pretend that one of them grew up to be a famous NHL player just to see if you'd all buy it. Like if I said that one kid on the end with the good hair was a seven-year-old Henrik Lundqvist, at least a few of you would believe me, right? Because if so, he 100 percent is.

We get an extended segment where the kids just clap occasionally while yelling "hockey," which is fine because that's all most Flyers fans can do, too. But then we get to players themselves, who are wearing matching sweaters that say "ice hockey" on them. Needless to say, I want one of these very badly.

We also meet the star of our video, a redheaded fellow who seems to be the only one bothering to lip-sync the actual words. This is Håkan Södergren, a national team veteran who never made it over to the NHL but put up decent numbers in the Swedish Elite League. He's also, I think we can all agree, an excellent lip-syncer. Like, eerily good. The Capitals could learn a thing or two from this guy.

Via Wikipedia's entry on this song: "The B-side was 'Här kommer grabbarna' by Lotta Engberg." How much Engberg? Lotta Engberg.

Next comes a bunch of highlights of Team Sweden scoring goals, including one in which the referee appears to be sitting in the stands. European hockey is weird.

Is anyone else hearing "OK! They're tall enough, they're tall enough. OK! They're hot enough, they're hot enough?" No? Just me? OK, forget I brought it up.

By the way, this song is actually called "Nu tar vi dom," and apparently these are the lyrics. It was written by Lasse Holm, a Swedish musician who competed in the 1986 Eurovision Song Contest. Don't ever say I don't do research for these things.

And we're back to the singing players. Man, Södergren is just a hell of a lip-syncer. He seems to really know the song intimately. It's almost as if… nah.

No, I don't know why Peyton Manning is in the back row either.

Next we get some intimidating shots of Team Sweden warming up. But wait, there's a twist. The goaltender takes of his mask to reveal that he's… a lady! Is that Lotta Engberg? I'm not sure, but I'll point out that this is one of the worst "Goalie removes a mask for a surprise reveal" shots ever. The real goalie is wearing a plastic glove and using his right hand, while this lady uses a bare right. Come on, people, it's not like we haven't seen this done perfectly.

My favorite moment comes around 1:55, when half the Swedish roster realizes they're the same height as the children in front of them and start hopping up and down so they can be seen.

That includes Södergren, who continues to be so good at lip-syncing that I'm going to have to turn to Google to find out if… yes. Yes indeed. Håkan Södergren actually sang this damn song. This isn't some shady case of players lip-syncing a studio musician's vocals at all. This is actually Södergren's real voice. The man is a hero.

Seriously, how did the 1989-90 Capitals not immediately sign Södergren to an NHL contract? I'm literally angry that this never happened.

The song winds down, and I'm enjoying it so much that I won't mention that the rhythmic clapping at 2:15 is a blatant rip-off of the Bay City Rollers' "Saturday Night." We close out with like 30 full seconds of credits and an extended fist pump. That was fantastic. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

By the way, Team Sweden finished fourth, getting swept in the medal round. The Soviets won, and the tournament is probably best remembered for Randy Carlyle failing (but then passing) a steroid test.

But really, none of that matters. Here's hoping that Håkan Södergren, little Henrik Lundqvist, and the rest of Team Sweden inspired you today. You're tall enough, you're hot enough, and you, too, could play international hockey.

(Seriously, the way the NHL is going, you might be on an Olympic team roster right now. Check your voicemails.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected].

Correction: While discussing the NHL Network's top-ten list of goaltenders from this year, 'Debating the Issues' originally linked out to last year's top-ten list. The link has been updated.

DGB Grab Bag: Olympic Disappointment, Goaltending Debates, and Team Sweden Sings published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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amtushinfosolutionspage · 7 years ago

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Olympic Disappointment, Goaltending Debates, and Team Sweden Sings

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: The Golden Knights’ Twitter account. The league’s newest franchise might not be very good at managing its blueline, but you have to admit its Twitter presence is pretty solid. Let’s enjoy it while it lasts, before there’s a joke that offends one person and the account ends up posting generic GIF reactions like every other team.

The second star: Roberto Luongo’s sadness. News that Cubs fan villain Steve Bartman would get his own World Series ring made for the feel-good sports story of the summer—but not for everyone.

The first star: Sidney Crosby’s cake. The Penguins’ captain had his day with the Cup this week, and celebrated with an epic cake that recalls the family dryer he once used for target practice in the basement.

Debating the Issues

This week’s debate: The NHL Network released a list of the top ten goaltenders in the league right now. And as with any attempt at a ranked list, plenty of fans didn’t agree with their choices. Was it a good list?

In favor: I mean, I guess it was OK. It was fine.

Opposed: What? Are you crazy? That list was terrible. Everyone says so!

In favor: Was it though? I mean, this is all subjective, and there were a few picks that were questionable, but I didn’t see anything that bad.

Opposed: You weren’t looking very hard. Carey Price at No. 1 is fine, I guess, and Braden Holtby is a good pick for No. 2. But then the whole thing goes completely to hell. Matt Murray in the top five? He hasn’t even played two full seasons. Jonathan Quick is overrated as always. And Pekka Rinne in the top ten? Is it 2012?

The Price is right. Photo by Eric Bolte-USA TODAY Sports

In favor: Well, they’re clearly factoring in playoff success with those guys, and sure, that may not be wise. But that’s the whole point of these lists, right? Generating some fun debate for fans.

Opposed: There’s nothing fun about it, and there’s no debate. The list is wrong, period. Whoever put it together clearly never watched a hockey game in their lives.

In favor: OK, so if their list is so bad, what does your top-ten ranking look like?

Opposed: I mean, Cam Talbot is already ahead of Henrik Lundqvist? Come on!

In favor: Cool. So your list would be…

Opposed: Martin Jones? Get out of here!

In favor: Right, got it. Their list is bad. What does your version look like?

Opposed: Oh trust me, my list would be way better.

In favor: Great. Let’s hear it.

Opposed: I mean, you have to find a spot for Corey Crawford, right? Not to mention Tuukka Rask and Cory Schneider. Maybe even Craig Anderson after the year he had last season.

In favor: And who do they bump off the list?

Opposed: I don’t know, but they’ve all got to be there.

In favor: That’s not how top-ten lists work. See, the key word is “ten,” meaning you’re going to have to limit yourself to—

Opposed: Wait, maybe John Gibson, too. And Roberto Luongo deserves some credit for long-term consistency, right?

In favor: But where? In what order?

Opposed: Oh, my list would be in order, don’t you worry.

In favor: And that list would be…

Opposed: Way better than theirs.

In favor: OK, see, this is the problem with ranked lists. You spend all this time putting one together, and then everyone rips on a single pick here or a specific ranking there. But nobody ever says, “Here’s my list that’s better,” because then that would open them up to criticism, too. They just want to complain as loudly as possible about whatever’s been put in front of them.

Opposed: But isn’t the whole point of making these lists to spark debate?

In favor: Sure, but debate isn’t “What an idiot.” That’s just kneejerk negativity. You’re never going to agree with every single pick on a list, so why not engage a little more intelligently than just typing “LOL”?

Opposed: Yeah, but nobody’s going to make a whole list of their own just so they can—wait a second. Do you get the sense that the author is projecting a little bit here?

In favor: Oh yeah, absolutely.

Opposed: Honestly, he’s laying it on a little thick for my tastes.

In favor: Yeah, we get it already.

Opposed: LOL, what an idiot.

The final verdict: This is the 27th best debate section ever featured in this column and there’s no arguing it.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Do you still have “Hrudey on Duty” stuck in your head? Oh, you finally got rid of it a few days ago. Well, it’s back now. Sorry about that.

For this week’s obscure player, let’s go with a guy who had some decent years as Kelly Hrudey’s backup in Los Angeles: Robb Stauber.

Stauber was picked by the Kings in the sixth round of the 1986 draft, one pick ahead of future heavyweight champion (for like a week) Troy Crowder. By 1992, he’d appeared in just two NHL games, and was sporting a not-fantastic career GAA of 7.95.

He returned as Hrudey’s backup for the 1993-94 season, and while his save percentage and goals against improved, his record dipped to 4-11-5. It would be his last full season in L.A., as he was traded to Buffalo midway through the 1994-95 season as part of the deal that brought Grant Fuhr to the Kings. He appeared in just six games for the Sabres, and then spent the next five years in the minors (where he once scored a goal) before retiring in 1999.

Three last things you need to know about Robb Stauber:

He spells his first name with two “B”s, so he’s not to be trusted.

He’s the subject of a fantastic comment section on this random YouTube video, in which two guys start insulting each other, realize there’s been a misunderstanding, and then bond over a shared love of Robb Stauber.

You’re going to see a lot of him at this year’s Olympics, where he’ll be the head coach of the U.S. women’s national team.

(Special thanks to Kings blogging legend PumperNicholl for helping me track down a shot of Stauber’s goalie pads.)

Be It Resolved

Any lingering hopes that the NHL will head to the Olympics appear to be officially dead, with the league announcing this week that even minor-league players with NHL deals won’t be allowed to play. Why? Nobody knows, but this is the NHL, so there you have it.

So after five straight Olympics of seeing the absolute best in the world going head-to-head, this year’s tournament will feature… well, not that. The teams will be made up of some combination of amateurs, pros from the KHL and other leagues, and NHLers who are out of work or retired.

But it won’t be the same.

I hate writing that, but it’s true. After spoiling us with legitimate best-on-best competition for two decades, the 2018 tournament will feel like the Olympics in name only. That reads like an insult to the guys who’ll be taking part (and I do mean guys, since the women will still be the best in the world). It’s tempting to pretend that it’s still the same thing, and that the tournament will mean just as much as it did when it was Crosby vs. Ovechkin or Gretzky vs. Hasek or Oshie vs. everyone. But for most fans, it won’t. If we’re being honest, purely in terms of the talent involved, this will be a big step down from even the World Championships.

It’s like if I spent my whole life wanting to win a Pulitzer, and then one year they changed the rules so that Pulitzer was an award for making jokes about things that happened in the NHL 30 years ago, and then I won it because all the best writers in the world weren’t eligible anymore. I mean, it’s still a Pulitzer, so I’ve kind of achieved my dream, but we all know it’s not the same thing.

That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the 2018 Olympics. Heck, some of you will enjoy it more—the old-school amateur spirit, and all that. But not everyone is going to be rolling out of bed in the middle of the night to see their country’s B team go for gold.

So let’s try this: Be it resolved that we all just agree that you’re allowed to feel however you want about the 2018 Olympic hockey tournament. If you ignore it, fine, but don’t roll your eyes at those who watch. If you love it, great, but don’t lecture those who can’t get into it. Watch it or don’t, as much or as little as you think it deserves. There are no right answers here.

Well, there was one, but the NHL decided not to give it to us.

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

Here’s the bright side of this Olympics mess: At least it restores some of the suspense. Let’s face it, these days we all know who’s going to win these things. It’s Team Canada, every time, and the only question is whether anyone manages to even win a game against them along the way. (Spoiler alert: Nobody ever does.)

It might be kind of neat to go back to a format where Canada was always an underdog, the Americans had a fighting chance, and the European teams could honestly claim they had a shot at gold. So today, let’s celebrate that sense of optimism in the way we love best: through late-80s hockey team rock anthems.

Welcome back to 1989. The World Championships are about to take place and Team Sweden is pretty fired up about it. They’re hosting the tournament this year, and they want to let the world know that they’re ready to kick some ass. But how?

Luckily, somebody has slipped them a copy of the Washington Capitals Greatest Hits, and after checking their “What Would Neil Sheehy Do?” bracelets, they’ve decided to put on matching outfits and lip sync some music magic.

In Swedish, by the way. Trust me, that makes it all roughly ten times better.

So we start off with some small Swedish children clapping and singing, and I’m so tempted to pretend that one of them grew up to be a famous NHL player just to see if you’d all buy it. Like if I said that one kid on the end with the good hair was a seven-year-old Henrik Lundqvist, at least a few of you would believe me, right? Because if so, he 100 percent is.

We get an extended segment where the kids just clap occasionally while yelling “hockey,” which is fine because that’s all most Flyers fans can do, too. But then we get to players themselves, who are wearing matching sweaters that say “ice hockey” on them. Needless to say, I want one of these very badly.

We also meet the star of our video, a redheaded fellow who seems to be the only one bothering to lip-sync the actual words. This is Håkan Södergren, a national team veteran who never made it over to the NHL but put up decent numbers in the Swedish Elite League. He’s also, I think we can all agree, an excellent lip-syncer. Like, eerily good. The Capitals could learn a thing or two from this guy.

Via Wikipedia’s entry on this song: “The B-side was ‘Här kommer grabbarna’ by Lotta Engberg.” How much Engberg? Lotta Engberg.

Next comes a bunch of highlights of Team Sweden scoring goals, including one in which the referee appears to be sitting in the stands. European hockey is weird.

Is anyone else hearing “OK! They’re tall enough, they’re tall enough. OK! They’re hot enough, they’re hot enough?” No? Just me? OK, forget I brought it up.

By the way, this song is actually called “Nu tar vi dom,” and apparently these are the lyrics. It was written by Lasse Holm, a Swedish musician who competed in the 1986 Eurovision Song Contest. Don’t ever say I don’t do research for these things.

And we’re back to the singing players. Man, Södergren is just a hell of a lip-syncer. He seems to really know the song intimately. It’s almost as if… nah.

No, I don’t know why Peyton Manning is in the back row either.

Next we get some intimidating shots of Team Sweden warming up. But wait, there’s a twist. The goaltender takes of his mask to reveal that he’s… a lady! Is that Lotta Engberg? I’m not sure, but I’ll point out that this is one of the worst “Goalie removes a mask for a surprise reveal” shots ever. The real goalie is wearing a plastic glove and using his right hand, while this lady uses a bare right. Come on, people, it’s not like we haven’t seen this done perfectly.

My favorite moment comes around 1:55, when half the Swedish roster realizes they’re the same height as the children in front of them and start hopping up and down so they can be seen.

That includes Södergren, who continues to be so good at lip-syncing that I’m going to have to turn to Google to find out if… yes. Yes indeed. Håkan Södergren actually sang this damn song. This isn’t some shady case of players lip-syncing a studio musician’s vocals at all. This is actually Södergren’s real voice. The man is a hero.

Seriously, how did the 1989-90 Capitals not immediately sign Södergren to an NHL contract? I’m literally angry that this never happened.

The song winds down, and I’m enjoying it so much that I won’t mention that the rhythmic clapping at 2:15 is a blatant rip-off of the Bay City Rollers’ “Saturday Night.” We close out with like 30 full seconds of credits and an extended fist pump. That was fantastic. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

By the way, Team Sweden finished fourth, getting swept in the medal round. The Soviets won, and the tournament is probably best remembered for Randy Carlyle failing (but then passing) a steroid test.

But really, none of that matters. Here’s hoping that Håkan Södergren, little Henrik Lundqvist, and the rest of Team Sweden inspired you today. You’re tall enough, you’re hot enough, and you, too, could play international hockey.

(Seriously, the way the NHL is going, you might be on an Olympic team roster right now. Check your voicemails.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Olympic Disappointment, Goaltending Debates, and Team Sweden Sings syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6