#beginning of the episode and then the last time it was him with ray but alone

[absolutelyarealperson]

I really want someone to make a SandRay edit to the song “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish.

Specifically “Quiet when I’m coming home and I’m on my own. I could lie say I like it like that” with the end scene of them in bed together, but Sand feeling completely alone.

But also like “Call me friend, but keep me closer.”

[satorhime]

front row seat + gojo satoru ── ◜ ⪩⪨ ◞

── ◜ ⪩⪨ ◞ content : minors do not interact, f!reader, explicit smut, pussy drunk!gojo, hentai tropes ( internal view / satoru uses his six eyes ), messy sex, squirting, mating press. w.c ˓˓ 2k ˓˓

── ◜ ⪩⪨ ◞ synopsis : sometimes you forget that your boyfriend sees everything.

“h-honey, i ever tell you how pretty this pussy is?” 

he has, multiple times, because satoru is obsessed with watching you while he fucks you. 

in a way, you don’t blame him. the two of you are beautiful together and on the days when your boyfriend is merciful enough not to fuck you flat into his mattress, you love lifting your gooey head up to watch the pretty bounce of your tits, the squishy sink of satoru’s cock disappearing into your pussy and how the taut muscles in his abdomen twitches, tensing up whenever you suck him in with a widowmaking squeeze,

but tonight satoru is … tonight, something has him frenzied. 

his quicksilver blue eyes refuse to close down, and no matter how good he feels inside you, he refuses to throw his head back in ecstasy. it’s like he’s watching the performance of the century, one such cinematic masterpiece that he can’t afford to miss and you’re the pretty young starlet acting centerstage.  

his gaze trails all over every inch of your plush body, from the way he leaves his fingerprints in the soft dimples of your hips, the tousel of your hair as you thrash against the pillows underneath him, and now his new personal favorite— a sight only his six eyes are allowed to see. 

a sweet treat he’s never thought to indulge in before now, the fact that if he drags his gaze down to your body and let the six eyes focus a little further, past your soft belly until it becomes a translucent screen to him, he can see everything. it feels perverse, being able to watch the raw way he fucks into you but it’s so intoxicating, maddening and white hot, how heavenly you look spread out underneath him with your cunt laid bare to his eyes, he wouldn’t be able to resist it if he tried–

so he watches, milky lashes fanning out over petal-pink cheeks as his lidded eyes focus below your hips, right between the jiggle of your thighs. “g-god,” he moans out through gritted teeth, lilting baritone low and shaky. he’s sitting back on his heels, chin tucked to his chest and lip bitten raw. sweat drips from his brows onto your belly in rivulets and he’s attempting to rally the last bit of self-control he has in order not to absolutely wreck you as he watches himself fuck his cock deep into your weeping pussy. “wish you could see how easy this little lady’s opening up f’me, angel.” 

“nnngh, i can’t see-!” you squeal, and you don’t know if it’s because of the sticky tears blurring your big doe eyes or because it’s one of those nights where he fucks you flat, where the weight of his cock leaves you writhing and unable to move properly. where the only thing you can do is toss your head back against the pillows and take what he gives.

how such an innocent night ended up like this so suddenly, you don’t know. your head had been on satoru’s strong chest, cocooned in his infinity while his arm was curled behind his own head, scrolling aimlessly through a shady porn website on your phone with the intention of finding a cheesy hentai episode for the two of you to watch and dissect for jokes, a tradition in your relationship when you were in between streaming shows. satoru ended up choosing one from your recently watched, and as the two of you watched the exaggerated, almost comical movements of the animated couple fucking on the screen, you had expected his boyish jokes to begin and make you giggle, but he’d been silent— eyes darkening with something worse than lust at the sight of the x-ray view of the male character’s engorged cock sinking deep into the female character’s pussy while she wailed and babbled incoherently.

this what gets you hot ‘n’ bothered when i’m not around, angel? 

the rest is hazy, lost in the way you’re splayed out on the sheets now, knees bent to your shoulders and fingers desperately digging into the backs of your trembling thighs to hold them in the air for gojo. the position is uncomfortable and you’re not flexible like that, joints in your poor hips aching but you don’t care, not when he’s got your breasts bouncing lewdly with each repeated, dirty slam of the tip of his cock right up against your womb until you can practically feel him in your throat, stealing the desperate screams right from your vocal cords. 

“that’s a real shame, princess,” he coos, an egoistic smirk on his lips but it falters when you squeeze ‘round him just right, sore cunt twitching against the hard swell of his cock. his ocean blues dim, fingernails scratching against your squishy sides for leverage not to fuck deeper but to push you away because while he’s practiced, you feel too fucking good and he needs a minute, damn it, he’ll cum too fucking fast and ruin the perfect view of your cunt and it’ll be all your fault—

“wah-why did you stop-... please, miss your cock so much,” you simper, needy.

but he ignores your sweet little cries, drawing his hips back until his cock slips out of you and he lays it flat against your seam, greedily drinking down how fucking pretty you look beneath him like this, so good for him in the way you struggle to hold those sweet thighs up so he can have easy access to an even sweeter cunt. he wraps one hand around the root of his sticky girth, can’t help himself when he slaps the tip hard against the hood of your clit, just to earn that cute little yelp you make. “you’re so good for me always, sugar. such a good girl, huh? but i’m not sure of that anymore after tonight. you’ve been holding out on me.” 

“w… wh- i am a good girl-”

“but that’s okay,” he cuts you off. “i’ve got a front row seat now. know why?” 

he loves watching the pretty picture that confusion paints on a fucked out expression like yours. you fumble for the answer like a teacher’s pet, even though you’re distracted by grinding your clit against the tip of gojo’s cock for desperate, greedy friction. you’re too drunk on him to understand the true meaning behind those slurred out words and he knows it. head always caught up in the pleasure simmering in your belly that you forget the man fucking you is considered the strongest sorcerer in the world for a reason and oh … oh, there it is.

sometimes you forget that he views the world differently than normal men. the x-ray porn you secretly like may be an unrealistic act seen only in hentai, but gojo satoru wouldn’t be the strongest sorcerer if he couldn’t bring fiction into reality.

“y-you can see inside me,” you whisper, a little awed, and the thought of it is so fucking hot. you squeeze around emptiness when he nods, wanting to suck his tip right back into your tight pussy and you can practically feel the slick dripping out of you as he flashes a devastating, heartbreaker smile at you. “the six eyes. y-you can see how much i want you to fuck me again.”

“smart girl,” his praise warms your veins until your blood feels honeyed, running through you thick and slow. gojo flicks the tip against your clit one last time for the road before he reaches down, spreading one side of your folds open so he can nudge at the creamy ring to your cunt. “i can see everything.” 

“i can see how this little cunt is stubborn, how she never wants to stretch properly f’ me, the way she twitches when i hit it just right. i can see everything,” and he can, his technique zeroing in on his girth sinking in and stretching you wide, his answering whine almost louder than yours, eyes threatening to clamp shut as he feeds you the long stretch of his cock once more. the air in the bedroom of his penthouse makes your bodies slippery with sweat while you squirm underneath him on hot sheets, your breath wheezing out of your lungs until you can’t breathe. “look at that.” 

“i- hng, can’t-!”

it’s a hotter fuck like this, knowing those pretty blue eyes can see every rib and ridge of the inside of your pussy. that satoru knows the exact way your gummy walls, pretty pink against the white of his cock, look when you swell and squeeze for the stinging stretch, smeared in his precum. it makes you feel delirious— expression cracked wide open with pleasure, tongue lolling out of your pretty mouth, gaze fluttering releasing desperate whines as gojo fucks too fast, cockhead bullying your g-spot into overstimulation so that you can’t even fight it when you gush, the lewd sound of slick squelching out of you burning heat into your cheeks.

“look at you, squirtin’ all over me, angel,” gojo groans, stamping down the fast approach of his orgasm as arousal streams down the curve of your ass, wetting his expensive sheets. watching the way your swollen, puffy pussy spasms and tries to force him out but it only makes him drive deeper, his pace brutal— his hips rouged red from the friction of your bodies slapping together. “prettiest pussy in the whole world. you know that?” 

“y'r gonna cum inside me, right 'toru? s-so i'll look even prettier?” you simper under the praise, big doe eyes staring up at him behind a dreamy haze.

“shouldn't have said that, sweet girl. ooooh, f-fuck. you shouldn't. have. said. that. fuck fuck fuck, i'm gonna put my cum right here, ” he babbles desperately, a big hand splaying out on your belly, pressing down hard as his thumb dips low, circling your sticky clit almost desperately. the words punctuated by the heavy slap of his balls against your ass, headboard knocking violently into the wall. his spine tenses, orgasm building in the pit of his gut and he can’t wait to see it, the sight of his cum painting against your pretty walls. “and you're gonna take care of it f’ me, aren’t you? promise ‘toru you won't spill a drop?”

“i promise-! i promise i promise i promise, give me your cum- ‘toru- pleas-”

“shut up, angel face. you’re about to make me miss the best part of the movie.”

[maeumine]

Pairing: bf!Nishimura Riki x fem!reader

Genre: angst&fluff!

Summary: your boyfriend riki comforts u during a bad day

Warnings: mental health issues

Hii so this is my first story it's something really simple, let me know if you like it <33 English is not my first language🙏🏻

It was one of those days, no you didn't have your period, and no nothing bad really happened to you.

You couldn't really say what was happening with you.You were just...empty or sad. You never knew how to describe this mood.

Usually your way to dealing with this kind of things was to stay in your room, with your phone or computer, scrolling thru social media and watching some old nostalgic shows like h2o or drawing while listening to lana del ray and basically ignoring everyone and anything until you eventually felt better.

As you woke up already taking your computer to do what was previously mentioned, the sound of your phone vibration echoed in your room. Your finger was about to press the decline button, but your eyes read the name of Riki.Your boyfriend.

"Goodmorning sleepyhead how are you?" his soft voice hit your ears like a melody, immediately giving you the comfort you were searching for. Just by hearing his voice, you felt like u just got free from a heavy weight. "Hey Riki goodmorning why are u calling me this early? Your voice is coming off as more cold than what you expected to sound - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound mean I'm just really tired today, "your voice softened "don't worry princess, is everything ok? Yesterday you asked me to come to your house and have a baking date, remember?" Fuck you mentally slapped yourself for forgetting such thing "yes I'm so sorry Riki but I don't feel really good today can we postpone?" Your voice pleading hoping he will understand "of course y/n it's alright,do you want me to still come over maybe we can cuddle and watch a movie instead" you bite your lips "no Riki I'm sorry I prefer stay alone today see you tomorrow" you hung the call before he could even answer you.

Your body fell on the mattress beneath you, curling on yourself. You felt so guilty you didn't want to sound cold or mean you were sorry, but usually you dealt with these episodes alone. You always did, plus you and Riki were a new couple it was barely 1 month since he asked you to be his girlfriend, and you were afraid to show this side to him.

The morning went by, and so did part of the afternoon. You passed the whole time by staying in bed sleeping and crying, thinking of random scenarios in your head as your eyes were about to close again. The sound of your doorbell echoed in the apartment as u reluctantly dragged yourself to the door and opened it, reveling your boyfriend figure looking at you worried. "How are you?? I called you for the whole day. " his tone firm, your eyes looking at the floor."I'm sorry I was sleeping. I told u I'm tired. " You tried to shrug it off, walking to the living room the boy behind you."You don't seem just tired," he said, emphasizing the last word, his body crouching in front of you who were sitting on the sofa. "i just want to know what happened. Did I do something? Or is it something I can help u with? " his eyes pleading you, it hurted u seeing him like this he didn't do anything he's the best thing that could happen to you "no I'm so sorry it's not you it's just- you begin to say feeling a knot in your throat-i don't even know sometimes i have this episodes where I feel empty and I don't really know what to do thats why i wanted to ignore you" tears streaming down your face as he bring you closer to him, as you looked at him your body immediately cling at him like a magnet, on of his hand went behind your head and the other one massaged your back you let everything out feeling the warmth of his body giving you the comfort you were craving since this morning.

You two stayed like this for a while. As you calmed down, he kissed your head and looked at you. "Do you want to watch your favorite movie and eat something?" He asked softly, your heart warming you nodded, stending up and choosing the movie you wanted while Riki went to the kitchen returning a few minutes later with 2 bowls of ramen you snuggled closer to him watching the movie.

The 2 now empty bowls were on the table in front of the sofa, his arm sneaking around your shoulder as you leaned your head in the crock of his neck, inhaling his perfume, outside was now dark the and in the apartment the only sourceof light was the weak light coming from the tv, everything seemed to have stop it was so peaceful, you felt a hand caressing your hair "do you feel better now?" His deep voice brought you back on earth. Your eyes looked at him in the dim light. God, he looked ethereal, you nodded, snuggling even closer to him, which made him laugh lightly. "Next time you feel like this, tell me please, you don't need to hide from me ok"he said seriously, "Promise." Your voice answered before closing your eyes and drifting to sleep with a smile on your face and his heartbeat as your lullaby,knowing how lucky you are to have Nishimura Riki as your boyfriend.

CUT!

If you came this far, Thank youuu I hoped you like it let me know if there are any grammatical errors and if you liked it see you in the next one<3

[ittybittyremy]

All the details Bells Hells know about Cyrus' death & everything surrounding it

I've been seeing people wondering/forgetting how much Dorian has told Bells Hells about the circumstances of Cyrus' death. So I've decided to go through the episodes!

A couple disclaimers before I start:

Orym shouldn't have made that comment to Dorian. Even if he didn't know all the specifics, knowing Dorian's brother died recently (and at all for that matter) should have stopped him from making that theoretical. Even if Cyrus' death had nothing to do with the gods, it would still be an inappropriate thing to say. He could've made that theoretical to anyone else in that group but he said it to the person with a recently dead family member.

Even though it would be beneficial for Dorian to tell BH (and for BH to learn/understand) everything about that day, he doesn't have to (and` shouldn't be forced to). Plus, it's very in character for Dorian not to tell them.

I don't want to see any comments saying "well it's implied," "BH should be able to connect the dots," or "BH should get the hint because of how Dorian has been acting." I'm bad at picking up hints irl so I won't fault BH for not connecting those points.

This post is about what Dorian has explicitly said (even though I did add a couple parts where he implies what happens).

This is all under the assumption that Dorian has not told BH everything off camera.

All timestamps will be based on the YouTube VOD.

I may miss a couple tidbits so sorry in advance.

Now to the actual information

Episode 93

Cyrus died (3:43:24)

Two of Dorian's best friends became the champions of the Matron of Ravens and the Spider Queen (3:43:28)

It all happened yesterday (3:43:38)

Opal is "not really" okay (3:43:45)

Cyrus died in battle "if you can call it that" (3:53:36)

Until that day he never thought real evil existed (3:53:46)

What he saw in the previous couple days does was "irredeemable" (3:53:55)

They tried to help Opal (3:54:59)

Dorian knows that there are forces enacting on the world that go "deeper than [he] imagined" (3:55:05)

Fy'ra Rai stayed with Opal (3:55:16)

Dariax is "all right" (3:55:20)

Opal is alive but corrupted (3:57:04)

Fy'ra Rai may be walking down the path as Opal (3:57:12)

Episode 94

Dorian doesn't explicitly mention it this episode but there is a moment where he hints that the prime deities may have somehow been involved.

"If you are relying on the help of the gods, champions, I can't say that I trust them anymore" (2:30:17)

Episode 102

No explicit mentions here BUT we begin to get Dorian's opinions of the gods. That's not what this post is about so I will move on

Episode 103

More of Dorian's views on the gods and we finally get another (sort of) explicit mention

"The last I conferred with a god, they cared very little about the feelings of anyone around us." That god being the Spider Queen (1:37:01)

The reason I say "sort of" is because Dorian doesn't say this is in regards to Cyrus' death (even though we the audience knows this). Orym and Fearne could've easily assumed that this was in regards to their EXU times.

Episode 109

Get an idea of what "getting dark" means. Matt describes Opal as "a humanoid shape of white hair and a black crown dripping and black oil and ichor. Opal stands dark and still" (2:19:13)

"Opal the Twice-Crowned, born a fractured, dual soul. A being of unknown potential, manipulated by cult and betrayer gods alike to walk a violent path without agency, a pawn for the gods and their whims." Raven Queen describing Opal (2:19:32)

Opal has a spider form (different from three-armed Opal) (2:49:20)

Episode 110

Dorian remind Bells Hells that Opal is now the champion of the Spider Queen (51:29)

Laudna says "hang on, because didn't, the last time you saw Opal, wasn't she trying to brutally murder you?" (52:22). I guess BH knows it was the Spider Queen? I'm a bit confused because Dorian never explicitly told them this but maybe it was an off screen thing

Dorian: "I'm not certain any information we would get from her would be particularly reliable" (52:30)

What does Bells Hells know?

As far as they know, the day before Dorian reunited with Bells Hells:

Cyrus died in a (sort of) battle.

They tried to help Opal but she is corrupted, she is still alive though

Fy'ra Rai stayed with Opal

Dariax is safe

Opal and someone else are now the champions of the Spider Queen and Matron of Ravens.

Dorian discovered real evil existed

The title "Opal the Twice-Crowned"

Opal's spider form (but different the three-armed Opal that Dorian saw)

Opal is not a reliable source of information right now

What does Bells Hells not know?

Wildmother refused to help

Matron refused to help

The Spider Queen killed Cyrus (? tbh i'm confused about this one)

Dorian came here because Opal casted mass suggestion

Dorian abandoned Dariax

Opal's memories are either gone or altered

Opal with three arms

The whole Ted thing

And much more

[visualtaehyun]

I'm not making the same dumb mistake twice in a row so- 'Chop' Anon, please find the long answer to your ask right here! And curse this hellsite for eating asks...

Disclaimer: not a native Thai speaker, still learning 🙏

Anon, my answer is gonna be twofold. The word ชอบ /chaawp/ = 'like' comes up a lot this episode and you can see that it can be used exactly the same as in English, platonically or romantically, it really just depends on context. And as you said, Jane does have the context of catching Ryan staring at him, getting flustered, trying to act nonchalant, talking to himself, zoning out, and generally acting real fucking weird lmao all throughout the episode. It's no wonder that he assumes Ryan's hangry or mad again, even checking for stomach rumbles 😂

The word 'like'

Thai has this fun feature where you don't always need to use pronouns or any other qualifying words to denote who or what you're referring to which can be both a boon cause it simplifies talking by assuming others will know the meaning from a previous or given context (or you intentionally omit that meaning!) and a curse cause it makes translating nuance a bit of a struggle sometimes 🥴

For example, this routinely happens in short question-answer exchanges but I'll let you be the judge:

- Pie: แกชอบป่ะ /gae chaawp bpa/ = You like [it]? - Ryan, only staring at Jane: ชอบ /chaawp/ = [I] like [🤡?]. - Jane, turning around: [🤡?] - Me @ translating stuff like this: 🤡

เขาดูเหมื่อนชอบพี่เจนนะครับ /khao duu meuuan chaawp phi Jane na khrap/ = I'm jealous because Khun Joy keeps hitting on you. lol just kidding subs are right on

- Jane: แบบนี้ ชอบไหมครับ /baaep nee, chaawp mai khrap/ = lit.: Like this/this way, [do you] like [it]? -> this sounds like an odd thing to say to a client in both English and Thai lmao clearly you'd usually ask if it's 'okay' or 'good' or something like that but the script needed to set up Khun Joy's flirty answer - Joy: ชอบตั้งแต่แรกแล้ว /chaawp dtang dtaae raaek laaeo/ = [I've] liked [🤡?] since the beginning.

I'll get back to Ryan's last 'like' at the end~

Jane and pronouns

The second part of my answer is how interesting and, frankly, puzzling I find Jane in how he talks to Ryan. Up until part [2/4] Jane actually completely omits any pronouns with him, as he's done frequently in the past. But when he does use them with Ryan- boy oh boy, he's kinda all over the place this episode! If Ryan wasn't so busy stewing in his confused feelings and jealousy, he might've noticed that Jane keeps flip-flopping between very different choices. Kudos to P'Baimon for catching Jane acting like a lovesick fool too that one time he's smiling at the printer 👀

Here's every single instance of Jane using 1st and 2nd pers. pronouns with Ryan, every other time you read any 1st or 2nd pers. pronouns in the subs in conversation with Ryan, he actually omits them, which is most of the time!

1) When they're unseriously fighting in front of the printer:

เรานี่แหละ ประหลาด /rao nee lae, bpra laat/ เราเป็นเด็กฝึกงานของพี่ /rao bpen dek feuk ngaan khaawng phi/ -> 🫣 that last one got me a bit shy with the ของพี่ /khaawng phi/ (= mine, my [...], lit. phi's [...]) and I think the editor agrees with me there, considering the music cut out lol

2) When Jane discovers the broken bottle debacle and turns to Ryan:

คุณไปรอผมที่ห้อง /khun bpai raaw pom thee haawng/ -> back to formal pronouns again, either because they're not alone or because he's about to scold Ryan or both even

3) When Jane scolds Ryan:

ถ้ามีคนเป็นอะไรขึ้นมา คุณรับผิดชอบไหวหรอ /thaa mee khohn bpen a rai kheun maa, khun rap phit chaawp wai raw/ -> still formal

แล้วมีพี่ให้โทรหาคนเดียวหรอ /laaeo mee phi hai thoh haa khohn diiao raw/ พี่รู้เรื่องนี้คนเดียวหรอ /phi ruu reuuang nee khohn diiao raw/ -> arguably softening his scolding a bit by switching to the more familiar พี่ /phi/ they established at the end of last ep., maybe because of Ryan's voice too which at this point sounds close to tears

And then Ryan is crying 🥺 Oof. Honestly? Jane was actually harsh this time! But rightfully so too, and it's very much in line with his principles and character. And he does immediately apologize for raising his voice and being so harsh, exactly like he told Ryan he would, in ep. 3, if he did wrong by him:

ที่หงุดหงิดเนี่ย เพราะว่าพี่เป็นห่วง /thee ngoot ngit niia, phraw waa phi bpen huuang/ = That [I got so] angry is because I was/am worried. แล้วก็ขอโทษด้วยที่พูดแรง ๆ เมื่อกี้ /laaeo gaaw khaaw thoht duuay thee phuut raaeng raaeng meuua gee/ -> no pronouns here again

This is probably just me being me lol but it's giving Lian harshly scolding Kuea in Cutie Pie when he puts himself in danger mishandling a knife and then immediately softening when Kuea starts crying.

ถ้ามันมีคนได้รับบาดเจ็บ ตัวแกเองนั่นแหละจะเป็นต้นเหตุ /thaa man mee khohn dai rap baat jep, dtuua gae eng nan lae ja bpen dtohn heht/

By this point, I was literally like 'Huh. What even is going on, he's so all over the place in terms of pronoun use, where did this แก come from all of a sudden?' My reading of this is that he's actually just as unsure and confused about Ryan and his feelings for him as Ryan has been all episode.

แก /gae/ is an informal familiar 2nd pers. pronoun that's a little impolite but not nearly as rude as มึง /meung/ and can similarly express closeness with someone you know well, it's used between age mates or for someone younger. In Thai BL, you hear แก /gae/ a lot more from or between girl friends than the rude pronoun of choice between guy friends, มึง /meung/. If you scroll back up, you'll see that Pie called Ryan แก /gae/ as well! The kids are a different story though, they all use a variety of different pronouns amongst each other, depending on context, mood, situation, individual relationship, ... I ain't getting into that lol it would take forever to explain, please no one get any ideas asking me about all of that 🥴

So here we are again with the word 'like'

ผมชอบงานนี้ ชอบที่นี้ /pom chaawp ngaan nee. chaawp thee nee/ แล้วก็ชอบพี่ดว้ย /laaeo gaaw chaawp phi duuay/

Arthur meme meets 😦 emoji

Sometimes Jane looks at Ryan like he's trying to solve a puzzle. It seems like he just realized that they're having two different conversations. But judging from his subtle reactions-- He's not dumb enough to assume that Ryan means it any other way than romantically, considering Ryan's odd behavior all throughout the episode too. Looking at the preview, I think he's gonna refuse to acknowledge Ryan's clearly romantic feelings though, not least of all because HR is already looming in the background, ready to go 🚨!!!

หรือเป็นเพราะผมบอกชอบพี่ไปแล้ว [...] /reuu bpen phraw pom baawk chaawp phi bpai laaeo/ = lit.: Or it's because I've told you I like you [...] -> บอกชอบ /baawk chaawp/ = lit. tell like; tell someone you like them (romantically), confess to liking someone

So! ชอบ /chaawp/ isn't exclusively romantic, same as the English 'like', but there's just no way around how Ryan meant this. And Jane knows it 🌚🌝 Hope my rambles satisfied your curiosity, anon!

[autumnsxxangel]

SandRay are an homage to Wong Kar-Wai's Happy Together and in this essay I will..

...actually explain it because I see people catching his homage's to Western queer media, but not really his shout outs to Eastern queer media.

I assumed there would be allusions to Happy Together when I first saw the trailer, but this last episode centered around Ray really cemented it for me. After all, why would P'Jojo reference all these Western queer shows and not talk about what is probably the most iconic piece of Eastern queer media ever?

Wong Kar-Wai & Happy Together

For some background information, Wong Kar-Wai is a famous and insanely influential Hong Kong filmmaker. If you're a film nerd, you probably know who he is and recognize his style. If you like film and metas, I would recommend watching some of his stuff because afterwards, you'll realize just how much influence he still has on modern media, especially in Asia. Stylistically, he's known for rich color grading; thematic usage of music; an unending sense of nostalgia, heartbreak, and missed opportunities; and dialogue that mean nothing on the surface because everything meaningful is boiling just under, left unsaid (If you've watched Everything Everywhere, All At Once, the entire actress universe sequence was an homage to Wong Kar-Wai). His actors always do a phenomenal job because so much of what they need to portray can't be communicated through words. It makes sense why SandRay, aka FirstKhao, were chosen to represent Happy Together as they are the strongest actors out of the group.

Happy Together, simply summarized, is about two men, Ho Po-Wing and Lai Yiu-Fai, who are in a very tumultuous relationship. They end up in Argentina because they wanted to visit the waterfall that's on a lamp that they own. They get lost, end up using all their money, and have to figure out a way to get back to Hong Kong. While there, they break up, get back together, and break up again.

The movie was released in 1997 and is still ranked as one of the best queer movies of all time. The two main characters are played by Tony Leung and Leslie Cheung. You might recognize Tony Leung as Simu Liu's dad in Shang-Chi. Leslie Cheung was in Farewell, My Concubine, and was famously a bisexual man with a long term male partner. This is significant because it was virtually unheard of to be out and open at that time (he made his relationship public in 1997 though he had mentioned bisexuality in earlier years), especially in Hong Kong which was, and still is, very homophobic. Leslie received a lot of hate for his sexuality and androgyny. (If you're interested in learning more about Leslie as a queer Asian figure, this is a good video essay that goes over his work and his life).

Sand as Lai Yiu-Fai

Fai's, and in turn Sand's, character can be summed up by one line, "One thing I never told Ho Po-Wing was that I didn't want him to recover so fast. Those were our happiest days."

Both Fai and Sand are very static, straightforward characters. They stay above board for the most part and work a variety of jobs to survive. They have their morals about what is right and wrong, which unfortunately is both of their downfalls.

In Happy Together, Wing breaks up with Fai because he is bored with the relationship. He basically says, "I'm bored being with you. Let's break up. If we happen to meet again, we can try again." Then he leaves Fai stranded on the side of a highway.

Later, he reappears in Fai's life. The first encounter is a fight, much like Sand and Ray's first meeting in the bathroom. The second encounter is because Wing gets beaten up. He goes to Fai because he knows Fai will feel obligated to take care of him and he does. It becomes the beginning of their rekindled relationship.

Similarly, Sand has a strong sense of obligation. There are already metas out there about how Sand has a bit of a hero complex. He sees Ray too drunk to drive and he had to step in. He doesn't just take the keys and order a taxi. No, he takes the keys and drives Ray. Sand sees Ray being all sad and pathetic and he can't stop himself from helping. It makes him feel useful. It makes him feel needed.

Both of these men are caretakers. They show affection by providing care. Sand ends up cooking for Ray just as Fai cooks for Wing even when he's sick. As an added bonus, they both make fried rice.

Both Sand and Fai are characters that stand completely still. Ray and Wing always know where to find them. Sand can always be found at YOLO and Fai is at his apartment. Because of this, Ray and Wing come and go as they please. They know that Sand and Fai will take them back...until they finally don't.

Ray as Ho Po-Wing

Starting on a base level, both characters are bratty, needy, promiscuous, spoiled, and selfish. But most importantly, they both share a love of fluffy cardigans.

(I also have a theory they keep putting Ray in wife beaters as an homage to the 90's HK cinema style because otherwise...I just don't understand why, as a rich asshole, he's always in wife beaters. By Thai BL logic, he should be in shirts with too many buttons unbuttoned.)

Wing and Ray are both the ones controlling the pace and direction of the relationship. They come when they need someone to nurture their wounds, both physically and metaphorically. They leave when they're bored or have things they deem more important. They both initiate intimacy and won't take no for an answer.

Wing does this by first trying to join Fai on the couch and then chasing after him to the bed and begging him to let them sleep together.

Ray does it by continuously getting Sand to get in the car with him and then using his puppy dog eyes.

They are both also very, very pouty.

Wing's line is "We could start over". He says it every time he comes back after he's the one that ends the relationship. Fai always fights taking him back, but he always does it anyway.

Ray doesn't really have a line yet (unless you count his "na na naa~"s) but he bats his eyelashes and so far Sand has given into him every time. Sand keeps trying to set boundaries, but the moment Ray begs a little bit, Sand crumbles like a house of cards and lets Ray have whatever he wants.

Relationship Parallels

Wong Kar-Wai is known for making movies about star crossed lovers who are meant for each other, but aren't meant to be together.

Like Wing and Fai, Sand and Ray fill in each other's cracks in a way that complements each other. However, because of the nature of the cracks themselves, them complementing each other is exactly what makes the relationship so toxic. One stays and one goes. One takes and one gives. One is steady and one is flighty.

Most of what I wanted to say about the parallels between their relationships is in the character comparison. What I'm more interested in is the future of SandRay's relationship, especially if they continue to parallel Wing and Fai's in Happy Together.

Obviously, Wing and Fai don't end up together at the end. It wouldn't be a Wong Kar-Wai movie if they did. What is interesting is that Fai's relationship with Wing eventually pushes him into becoming something angry and spiteful. Once Wing heals, Fai knows that he'll become bored and want to leave. In an attempt to get him to stay, he steals and hides Wing's passport which is insane because they are both gay men stuck in a foreign country where they don't speak the language.

Wing, of course, leaves anyway.

There is also a third character, Chang, whom Fai ended up liking. These new feelings are what eventually pushes Fai to leave Argentina and move on from Wing and move on with his life.

The question is, if SandRay follows that same path as Happy Together, what will be the passport that Sand tries to hold over Ray and who will be Sand's Chang?

Stylistic Parallels

Smoking

Making Ray and Sand smoke is definitely an homage to Happy Together with the added bonus of being a metaphor. For the most part, we rarely see characters, especially main characters, smoke in Asian media because smoking is reserved for 'bad' characters.

Cigarettes in Happy Together represent boredom. Fai and Wing smoke at the beginning before they rekindle their relationship because they are just moving through life. Once Fai and Wing get back together, cigarettes stop making an appearance. It isn't until their relationship started deteriorating that we see the men smoking again.

This can also be said about Sand Ray's relationship. They started their 'involvement' with cigarettes. However, the last time we actually see them smoking is in ep 2 right before they hook-up. Since then, we have not seen either of them smoking. This probably means that we'll see one or both of them smoking again when their relationship starts to break down.

(In the preview for ep 5, there is an ashtray in the background on the balcony so let's see if Boston finding out about them is a catalyst for them to start breaking down.)

And of course, there is the added homoeroticism of asking for a light.

Ray's Opening and Closing Scenes

Ray's episode is really what made me go "I see you P'Jojo".

Ray's episode starts with a shot of him isolated and in emotional pain. The camera is claustrophobically close and it keeps moving around. He has a little voiceover opening. It's calm, it's contemplative, it's a little existential, and it is irrevocably sad. If that is not a Wong Kar-Wai staple, then idk what is. Even the song that starts playing gives me 80s, 90s Cantopop vibes.

Ray talks about how Mew being his emergency contact and the one he goes to. Fai talks about how Wing always comes back to him and says "Let's start over".

The movie and the episode ends with both of them once again isolated, alone. They've been through an emotional journey and they've technically moved on. But there's always the idea of not being able to fully let go in Wong Kar-Wai's movie. So just like how Fai has physically removed himself from Wing, but not emotionally, has Ray actually fully removed himself from Mew?

Cinematography

Then there's just a collection of scenes that reminded me very heavily of Happy Together and Wong Kar-Wai's style. I would have added pictures from his other movies for comparison, but Tumblr only lets me put 30 images in a post and I don't want to make a 2nd post.

This scene is specifically from the 1st trailer so I hope they keep it in the show.

This one I call the inevitability of falling. Both Sand and Fai realize they're fully committed to their decision to take care of Ray and Wing here.

The end title card

Actually, all of the end title cards give very Wong Kar-Wai vibes. Look at that saturated, neon color grading. Look at the elongated shots. The intense feeling of isolation.

I'm assuming we'll get all the characters at one point, but so far it looks like the end credit cards indicate who the narrator of each episode is.

Anyway, that's it for me! Sorry it was so long and rambling. I tried to organize my thoughts but as I was thinking, more thoughts would pop up and I'd get distracted. If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

[variousqueerthings]

i think a lot about how ray looks out for fraser and does a bunch of caretaking and protecting in s1 especially as fraser is such an oddity to most people around him in a way that, yeah, inspires some kindness, but also a whole lot of hostility, and also habitually gets into situations that could get him killed (and sometimes definitely would have if not for ray)

but fraser also appears to be ray's.... only friend? as of beginning s1? he invites hewey and louis and welsh along for a night in victoria's secret but that's wahaaay down the line and tbh i get the feeling that he was almost on his last leg when we met him in the pilot episode and gained a lot of goodwill after fraser came into the picture and they started solving cases that nobody even knew needed to be solved. and then there's presumably the occasional date + some past longterm, but ultimately failed, romantic relationships. and of course his family, who seem lovely and tight-knit if loud and argumentative in the way families often are (mrs vecchio i would kill for you), but they're all off doing their own things really

so there's "ray invites fraser out and suggests things to do with fraser because he likes spending time with fraser and it's good for fraser," but also like. how long was he on his own on the daily before fraser got there? who was he getting takeaway pizza with? taking out to chinese restaurants? going christmas shopping with? having casual breakfasts in cafés with? he clearly seems so thrilled to be doing all these things with fraser, really get the feeling he was quite lonely before his arrival

described ray as a mangy cat who gets one of those dogs they give to cheetahs to calm them down, like he starts out kind of crooked and angry at the world and without much of any hope for humanity, including himself (which, once we learn some Backstory makes perfect sense) and almost immediately upon meeting fraser he takes him to meet his family??? truly get the feeling fraser arrived like some kind of sip of magical restorative water and ray's just gulping it down

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Wednesday my lovely readers. :) AH the post breakup ep. This one almost hurts more. It's most apt ep name of the entire season. ‘Crushed.’ Boy does this name hold up to what goes down in this episode. As much as it sucks what goes down with Blair. She was damn good at her job and this ep proves that. Lots of Tim analysis in this one as you all know is my jam. Eric and Melissa continue to crush us in this one. Phew. Let us begin.

6x07 Crushed

We start out strong with the soul crushing. Lucy’s necklace and DOD ring are noticeably absent. They know the fandom well to take away these objects. Of course we were going to notice them being gone. Hurts my heart to see it. Makes sense but doesn’t make it ache less. Our poor collective shipper heart. Granted the ring was her's long before Tim…BUT we all know what it represents. Her life being saved. Throwing it out in the hopes he would find it and save her. Represents him digging his bare hands into the earth to retrieve her from it. *sniffle* I’m fine….

Her necklace being gone is just a stark reminder of where we are with them. I hate it. The opening sequence is a gut punch to our feels. To Lucy’s too. Tamara is moving out. This also hurts to watch. The end of an era. Lucy is grasping at straws asking if she needs more time before she goes? Tamara asks if she needs her to stay? With the breakup and all? Lucy instantly say no. Even if she wanted to she'd never ask that of her. But it’s clearly upsetting Lucy watching her whole world being dismantled.

She went from having the love of her life with her daily, and Tamara living there, to neither of those things within a week. She literally blinked and her two pillars of support were gone. I adore her making dinner reservations for her though. Wanting to celebrate despite her current sadness. Tamara asks if Tim really got kicked out of Metro? Lucy immediately saddens and morosely replies ‘Yeah.’ Tamara being her protective self in her reply. I mean she isn’t wrong…But it brings Lucy zero comfort and it’s written all over her face. *sigh*

We go from one heartbreaking scene to another. Once again the punches not being pulled in the last 3 eps. I feel emotionally winded. For only having 10 eps they sure did pack them full of it. Which I was impressed with. We see Tim disassembling his Metro office. Hurts me to see it. Official time of death for Metro Tim is now. You all know how much I loved him in this position. I really hate this. Was more than him being fine af in that outfit. Was years of hard work flushed down the toilet *snaps fingers* Just like that. Really paints the picture of his trajectory downward after Ray.

I hate this on a personal level for him. The breakup is excruciating but adding this in is... It's salt into an already raging wound. Worst part is we watch him being stoic with Wade. Trying to pull all the company lines. Whatever will get him back on duty and Grey out of his hair. Luckily Wade isn’t so easily duped. He knows this man well. Been his superiors for years. Can see the grunt mentality Tim is displaying. Knowing how unhealthy it is. Grey lets him know Dr. London will be shadowing him. Tim is naturally upset about this.

This wasn't the work he meant lol Knowing exactly why this is happening. Wade doesn’t sugar coat it when Tim pushes back. Nor should he. Lists off the reasons he questions Tim's judgment right now. The reckless behavior that had him bounced out of Metro and back to patrol. Secondly breaking up with Lucy. Tim forgets this man watched over the years how Tim blossomed around her. Even more so when they got together. To toss that away is just as reckless as his behavior that lost him Metro. Tim is in a free fall atm. Grey is just trying to soften the landing when he comes back to Earth.

Tim being a lying liar who lies. Says him breaking up with Lucy had nothing to do with Ray. Oh my love you don’t really believe that do you? Because it has EVERYTHING to do with it. Was the catalyst to breaking all our hearts. It's clearly a tactic to get out of his ride along with Blair. The man as we know runs from and buries his feelings. Only person to ever get him to open up he’s shoved away at this point. Phew. This somehow hurts more the second to watch and dissect.

Wade stands his ground about the ride along. Saying if he wants to even begin to earn his trust back. It starts here. Otherwise he’s going to get mandated therapy. Which honestly I would’ve hated for him. Because therapy’s something you need to come to on your own. Not have it thrust upon you. So I’m glad Grey started out with this observation first. The man knows what he’s doing. Tim gives into his order of taking her with. Little does he know he’s going to end up doing both.

But that’s the beauty of this episode tbh. Once that is settled Wade slyly mentions he’s taking Lucy out. Tim being salty says for ‘Evaluating her too?’ I love Grey’s slick smile replying he’s just observing. Like I said earlier. The man knows what he’s doing. He’s also worried about them both. He knows how serious their relationship was. Probably thought their next step was marriage. So for it to be over he’s gotta do damage control. He’s the MVP of this ep.

This scene with Smitty still makes me blood BOIL. Months later and it still has me incensed with him. With that jackass too who was betting Tim cheated. How very fucking dare you nobody officer. If you knew Tim at all you’d know he would NEVER. Not ever. Neither of them would. It’s so degrading for both Tim and Lucy.

Also her and Aaron? Excuse me while I go vomit. I love how she dismantles Smitty. Straight up kills him. The shame on his face is something he deserves and more. This one of the many reasons people knowing was the worst. Because cops or not this was gonna feed the rumor mill. People gossip no matter the profession. Lucy telling him how wildly inappropriate this is. Honestly she should’ve reported his ass.

I would’ve. I'm crazy protective of them both. So I hated this scene for them. And for Lucy out of the two of them to find it ugh….Smitty promises he’ll shut it down right away. Damn right you will mofo….That scene still gets under my skin more than I would like. We were all in mourning as a fandom. So this scene lit my Italian rage up. Hated rewatching it. Made me sick to think of them gossiping about them. Still hate this whole thing. Doesn’t get easier with time.

The pain train continues forward with this next scene. The LAST thing Lucy needed in this moment was to bump into Tim. Especially coming off the heels of scolding Smitty. We see her rubbing her tattoo like no tomorrow. Trying to calm her raging emotions. She doesn’t even get a second to breathe, before running into the cause of her deep hurt.

Gotta commend Melissa and Eric for this awkward encounter. Lucy has zero time for this. Can’t even process what just happened with Smitty let alone this. Doesn’t stay in that corridor long. Poor Lucy almost stumbles over herself to get away from Tim. Shaking her head as he calls out for her. Rip my damn heart out some more why don't you writers? Good lord. Killing me softy. 5 minutes in and I’m a damn mess. Also what kills me in this scene how Tim lights up when he sees her.

Ugh you can’t do that after what you did Timothy. You stole her voice and her choice in that breakup. You can’t be surprised she doesn’t want to see you. You destroyed her in that parking lot. Decimated her loving spirit when you took off. Eric once again killing me with his expressions. His reaction after she all but dashes from him breaks my heart. This was self inflicted but hurts to watch none the less. To see them reduced to this awkward interaction is devastating.

I will say I adore Blair for coming right at Tim from the jump. Doesn’t wasn’t any damn time calling him on his crap. His person isn’t there to do it. So she is the next best thing. Well other the Angela. But he needed to hear this stuff from a professional. My sister can tell me something and it doesn’t resonate. My therapist does and it clicks. Idk why. Just does. Tim NEEDED this ride along just didn’t know it yet.

Doesn’t take her long to call Tim out for his decision to use Aaron as a buffer. Is reading him like a book she’s known for years. Saying he’s doing so cause he’s exhibiting classic avoidance attachment style. (Totally is...) Tim having not been in therapy is confused at her reply. She continues to depict him further. Explaining he prefers surface level over deep intimacy. Which is the case with everyone but Lucy…

She continues on to say it’s a defense mechanism. One that is developed due to an overly strict or domineering parent. Usually a father. Tim getting nervous already goes on the defensive. Like he always does when someone has him dead to rights. Did it to Lucy and Angela. This therapist is no different. Stating he isn’t a fan of this and there is going to be no over sharing. Ok love….

I do adore Grey for making sure Lucy is taken care of. We all know our girl isn’t going to take care of herself. Her and Tim are scary alike in this way. They’d rather take care of others than do any form of self care. So Wade is doing it for her which I love. He didn’t pick Tim he picked HER. He gave Tim what he needed with the therapist. Also we don’t get enough Lucy and Wade so I was all about this.

We know he’s worried because she’s taken hit after hit this year. Tim being the biggest blow of all. These other things were horrible but she had him. Her person. Her pillar. Now that’s gone and she’s losing Tamara to boot. She needed this ride along as much as Tim needed his. To say this season has been tough on her would be the understatement of the century. I’m hurting for her so much. Her entire world was ripped out from underneath her.

I think Grey can tell it’s pent up inside her. The constant ‘I’m ok and I’m fine.’ Are really cries for help. The awkwardness continues when they run into Tim getting ready for the day. Lucy extends the awkwardness inviting everyone EXCEPT Tim to Tamara’s farewell dinner. Well and Dr. London heh Who is watching this entire exchange go down. This shot from his cam feeling very intentional as he watches her invite everyone but him. A little shot at his soul watching this happen. He watches her depart sadly some definite longing in it. Oh Timothy you did this to yourself my love. Grey patting his arm as he follows Lucy out.

Lucy and Grey’s first call strikes a personal chord. Far too close to what she and Tim just went through. They show up to a couple fighting. The girl is losing her mind on him. Little stabs to the heart what this woman is upset about. Saying how she thought they were happy. How she thought he was the one. Then it just ended. How it doesn’t make sense. Ooof. My heart hurts.

I hate how relevant this call is for Lucy. Crushed is the theme through out this one. Apropos ep name if we’ve ever had one. Lucy then gets paranoid because she is feeling exposed in this moment. Feeling things she’s been suppressing gurgling up. Asking Grey if he set this up? That Tim just bailed on her. That their first call was about a woman being ghosted. I adore his reply. It’s Top Notch Wade Grey goodness.

Puts her in her place right away with that notion. But it’s very telling to him in this moment how much she needs this shift with him. The amount she has pent up is immense. The fact that she reacted the way she just did proves that. Her sensitivity level is sky high atm. Lucy’s reply when they get back in the car is hilarious though. Much needed levity in a tense moment LOL ‘It’s my bad.’ Hahahaha oh Lucy Chen never change. We love you so.

Dr. London hits the ground running with the case they have. Aaron bringing up it’s always the boyfriend right? When it comes to missing cases like this? It’s here Blair inserts her like about breakups. It’s SPOT ON. Say what you will about her as a person but she was damn good at her job. At zeroing in on someone and what makes them tick. What is holding them back. And her line about breakups is just that for Tim. Stating it’s a trigger for many men. How stereotypical gender roles prevent them from seeking help. It gets under Tim’s skin instantly. I’m sure she said for a few reasons.

First because It’s an accurate statement for most men. Sad but true. Two because she feels this fits Tim perfectly and his current situation. And lastly to see how he would react. Which of course is defensively, but she’s methodically chipping away at his wall. That statement is not only this situation. But it’s Tim’s entire life. His father called him. ‘Poor little Tim-Tim.’ This was not a term of endearment but a mockery of his feelings. For even having them let alone expressing them. To have feelings was shameful and to act on them even more so. Looked at Tim with disgust and disappointment for it.

That scene in 4x09 in his father's hospital room was a painful glimpse into his childhood. To how he was treated for ever being emotional or needing help. So of course he’s not going to reach out for help. It’s deeply ingrained in him not to do as such. Breaks my heart. Grew up the same way. Being pegged as ‘Sensitive’ or mocked for what they perceived as emotional tantrums. When I was just a little person with emotions and didn't know how to regulate them. I was emotionally imbalanced because of my parents. Just like Tim is cause of his father. Blair is testing the water with her theory and striking gold in this moment. Quite the opening volley from her.

Grey starts on his own inquiry into how Lucy is. Clearly needing to since she exploded at their last call. Asking if she’s talked to Tim since the breakup? She is brief and just replies nope. Although her reply is brief her emotions are not. Just hearing his name is springing up tears to her eyes. Melissa aiming to do the same to me in this scene. Straight killing me at how damn sad she looks. I hate it so much. Lucy follows it up with saying she thought he didn't care about her personal life?

Oof giving me Tim flashbacks to 3x08. When she was questioning why they were talking about her personal life? Grey's answer obviously different in this instance. Telling her he cares if it affects her job. I mean he is Watch Commander. This is a valid thing to worry about. Also part of the reason for this ride along. To gauge where she is at and how it’s affecting her on the job. Grey connects the dots of Tim’s IA investigation and their breakup. Knowing it’s not a coincidence.

Tells Lucy as such that he can’t help but wonder if there’s a connection. I mean obviously there is. He’s just not going to get that out of either of them. He failed earlier with Tim. Also it's not the connection he think's it is. I do love her instinct to protect Tim regardless of the hurt. Was pressed and she doesn’t budge. That is a natural thing for her bad place or not. Lucy may not fully understand the why of it all. But she would never cast suspicion on him due to it. She just loves him and will protect him even when he has no idea. I’m not crying you are….*sniffle*

Lucy reinforces the idea it was nothing of the sort. That it was just weird timing that’s it. Then she goes into analysis mode. Which is her form of defense mechanism IMO. If she can try to understand it. Figure out the why. Maybe she can start to heal from it. Not have it drown her every single day. Lucy chalks it up to Tim not being emotionally available. I mean that is definitely part of the problem…

He is a disaster zone of a person right now. He’s occupied mentally in a way she has no idea about right now. At this point in time Tim doesn’t even know this about himself. Only that he wasn’t deserving of her love, that he is too toxic, and she’s better off without him. Has no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes for him. Neither does Lucy. It shows how painfully in the dark she is about what went down.

The sports comment is pretty comical though. I mean I totally get being emotional about sports. The Rangers ruined my mood for awhile when they were booted from the playoffs in June. We made it deep into the playoffs too. So I get the hurt. Regardless it’s a funny reply from Grey. Makes Lucy smile too which is a win right now. The look out the window had me cackling haha I love it so much. We need more of them.

Dr. London continues her barrage on Tim and I’m here for it. It’s the only way he responds to emotional stuff. Also I think Blair realizes if she doesn’t come at him hard, she won’t gain any ground with him. Doesn’t hold back when she compares Tim and Lucy to her line about how platonic love. How their's started out as a friendship and blossomed into so much more. *heart clutch* Eric kills me in these shop scenes.

We can feel and see the emotions he’s choking back. The sadness in his reply of ‘I was her T.O.’ He can feel the rush of emotions flooding in so he sends Aaron away. Tries to ward her off by saying he knows what she’s doing. Blair is getting under his skin quickly and he can feel the heat of it. She is poking at a raw nerve and it’s very evident. The looks on his face through out this scene make me wanna cry. Dr. London reminds him breakups evoke anxiety and depression in men.

Tim being Tim tries bravado this time. Saying he’s not depressed. (Ok babe…) That he’s the one who broke up with her. Trying to deflect but it isn’t working on her. Blair doesn’t relent and replies yes he did. BUT she can tell he has immense guilt around doing it. Which we know is true. He feels horrendous for breaking his person's heart. It’s eating at him like a cancer. Exuding out him so much he can’t use his usual tactics to hide it from her. She see's right through him. Like he's glass and she's peering in for a look.

Dr. London continues her pegging of him with this next part. My god does she have him dead to rights. Not only that but she’s getting through. She can’t see his face but if she could she would see it. Eric is masterful once again with his expressive emotions. We watch the range of emotions in this portion. Especially with his eyes. Always the eyes. She really hits home with her analysis of him. You can see it seeping in. I’m so bummed there isn’t a set of this scene. It’s so so good.

Bringing up how internalizing guilt and shame leads to self directed anger. If that isn’t our boy in a sentence. Sweet baby James. The part about self directed anger is this man to a tee. An absolute tee. The way he’s soaking in all her info has me deep in my feels. That guilt she mentioned is pouring out of him in this moment. Along with the shame and anger that is starting to build as well. The anger is because she draws a HARD line in the sand about this eval.

That if she can’t tell if he isn’t self destructive by EOD she’s gonna sideline him. How he can keep stonewalling her if he likes but it’s only gonna end in a psych eval. It is a rough way to come at him. But he needs it so badly. Lucy isn’t here to knock it into him. So I’ll be forever grateful Blair was. He of course reverts back to S1 Tim when Aaron re-enters. Snaps at him because he can’t handle the emotions coursing through him. So he takes it out on poor Aaron. What she said has hit very close to home. Sadly Aaron get the repercussions of that.

We go back to Grey and Lucy talking about Tamara. Their case involves a girl being scooped up from babysitting. Has her worried and Grey can tell. I adore him telling her what she’s done with Tamara is wonderful. That Lucy showed her unconditional love. The kind that healed her skeptical heart. Made her wanna launch back into the world due to it. It’s here Lucy circles it back to Tim. With her line about letting people you care about go. How could she not? It’s consumed all her thoughts for days and days. Grey picks up on it immediately. Asking if they’re still talking about Tamara?

This launches a Lucy rant of epic proportions. One I don’t think Grey is even close to be accustomed to lol She is finally ready to unload the emotional burden on her soul. Her reaction here is just further proof she had no idea why Tim did what he did. Also probably has zero idea he got half his unit killed. Bringing on his episode of self loathing. Which prompted the breakup. Saying she has no idea what happened to them. That she can’t stop thinking about it. Girl me too. It consumed a lot of my waking hours in that three week hiatus as well. Only difference is I got to know WHY Tim did it.

It didn’t make it less painful but it helped to know the why. This is where Lucy and I are a lot like. Needing to know the why helps me accept things. Otherwise I go insane. Like I stated earlier her defense mechanism is analysis. She was so damn blindsided by this. Her brain hasn’t caught up to any possibilities of why. Lucy was left in the dark from 6x05-6x06. Only let in with what I can assume was minimal surface level info about Ray. Otherwise her analysis brain could figure out why he did this if she knew EVERYTHING. If she did know she could cobble together exactly the why behind his reasoning.

Lucy going off saying she thought their relationship was worth more. The 'Unless it is.' haunting her. Haunting us all. I couldn't look at happy gifs for a long time.....She thought what they had was worth more than a cheap cop out. It was very cliched how he put it. Which was intentional I'm sure on the writers part. Made it seem like it was a cheap way out of their relationship. Clearly we know it’s SO much more complex than that. But she doesn’t know any of that. Which continues to leave her in the dark and it's painful to watch her struggle with that. I just want to tell her. *screams into a pillow* Instead of having a say in it Tim made the decision for her and it pisses her off.

As it should. It pisses me off. He took her voice and right to an opinion with their breakup. That is something he’s going to have to make up for. Lucy deserved so much better than how that breakup went down. She does deserve to be the one who decides if she wants better. Which she didn’t get to. Nor did she want better. That man was IT for her. And she is thought she was the same for Tim. It’s why her line about struggling with him letting go so easily hurts. Honestly It’s what adds another layer of tragedy to this whole breakup. The miscommunication even in the breakup itself is unreal. Lucy finishes off her rant perfectly though.

Saying even if she wanted total self destruction it was her damn life. Her friggin decision to make that call. Tim straight robbed her of that. Not only did he but left her holding the emotional bag afterward. It’s not right and it’s not fair. Our girl deserved so much better than how he handled that breakup. He has a lot to make up for in s7. But he knows that just not right now…Grey’s face to finish off the scene is everything. Knowing she needed to get that off her soul. That this is why he didn’t want her riding around solo today. This was a much needed spiral in a safe place. So well done Wade. Our girl needed this.

Blair doesn’t even have to wait for an opening in this next scene. Tim jumps in to defend himself about eviscerating Aaron. Saying it’s his style. She continues to read Tim like a frigging book. This is my favorite scene of the episode for him. Just because it’s so telling. Eric is incredibly expressive as she breaks him down. He feels trapped but also can’t deny what she’s telling him. Her assessment is out of the world good.

Another beautiful thing about this scene is she is attacking his problem at it's damaged root. Blair tells him he’s under a lot of stress it's clear. Not just the case though. Saying whatever went down between him and Ray must’ve been real bad for him to lose Metro. To be back on patrol. Tim doing his old move of deflection. Saying how he owns mistakes and moves on. Well he has half of that right… Our boy definitely owns his mistakes. Moving on is a whole other issue.

Dr. London is moving in for the kill at this point. Saying but he hasn’t moved on. How can he when his whole identity is wrapped up in acting honorably? Damn she has him pegged. If he could truly move on. Be solid in that statement we wouldn’t be here. If he could really reconcile with the past he wouldn’t have ended it with Lucy. He feels not worthy and very much not honorable enough to be with her. So he cut ties. *sad sigh* Tim cloaks himself in honor then condemns himself when he falls short of it. Which is why he can't move on. Just adds another pebble to his soul as it were.

Blair continues with her spot on assessment. Her guess being that has taken a devastating effect on his self esteem. We know it has. His entire life he hasn’t felt worthy or deserving. Has has always had the lowest self esteem about himself. Because mistakes were failure growing up. Mistakes of any kind. Which isn't ok. A healthy and good parents loves you through them. Teaches you there are lessons in mistakes. That it’s not the falling down it’s the not getting back up that’s failure. This man has been knocked down more times than I can count.

He got up every single time. Which is incredible and grew him to be resilient af. Sadly to Tim it’s the falling down that is failure. He never saw his getting back up as a positive thing. Just saw it as surviving and it was partly. He didn't see the goodness in getting back up because his father never did. He grew up in a household where mistakes were pain. Whether it was physical or emotional it was abuse for said mistake. Didn't matter what it was. So to Tim if he set high standards for himself. If he acted honorably his chances of mistakes or failure would decrease. (In his mind at least)

The problem with that is he’s human. We’re all human and fall short of expectations. No one set his except him. Hell I just dealt with this writing this review. I set this insane expectation of when I should've been done writing it and I didn't hit it. I was mad at myself for a expectation only I had set. It's the same for Tim. Whenever he fell short of being ‘honorable’ in his mind. It dinged his already fractured self-esteem. To the point where he has none. Lucy rebuilt it over the years. But it goes to show you how little he thinks of himself. That Ray coming back toppled all of that. Imploded it really in a matter of days.

She really brings it home here. Her pièce de résistance as it were. This is where Tim goes from huh? To Oh…Blair notes it’s why he’s been punishing himself. This catches Tim off guard because he’s truly confused. Like I said earlier I don’t know even know Tim knew the deep why of their breakup. He for sure had no idea he was doing this specifically. No doubt in my mind he had zero idea he was punishing himself. I didn't know I was in the story I'm going to use here in a bit.

Now he knew he wasn’t worthy. Knew he didn’t feel deserving of her love and comfort. Because he had acted so dishonorably. To Tim there’s no way she could love him after that. He projected 'Rules matter Boot. 'their entire relationship. Long before they got together. To Tim he created this infallible image of himself to her that he fell short of.

One he tried to instill in her as a cop. Yet he failed to do so. He couldn’t look at himself let alone make her do as such. That's what he understood about what he’d done. Which is insane cause she met him at his worst and still saw his good heart. But that's a rant for another time and place ha Suffice to say it was standard he was holding himself to that she wasn't. I get this so much it pains me.

Blair soldiers on in her explanation. Letting him know he’s depriving himself of something he loves. Something that brings him joy. I know this tactic all too well. I mentioned this in my mini. But feels appropriate to do so again in terms of relation. I do this myself. Tim and I are very alike it scares me honestly. When I fail at something I punish myself too. I feel I’m getting better at this. But this story is pre-therapy Caitlin lol.

Anyways I did this with my last job. I wasn’t good at it right away. I was close to being fired actually. My leader at the time was confident in my game plan to fix myself. I however was intent on punishing myself for being awful. I was mad I had failed in the first place. Pissed at myself for not being good right away. This clearly being the result of my childhood. Where I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes. If I did it resulted in emotional abuse in the form of the silent treatment. So going into adulthood I still held myself to higher standards than anyone ever set for me.

When I fell short of those standards I punished myself. So with this new job I denied myself music. It was something I loved dearly. So in turn until I got my act together I didn’t listen to it. Didn’t felt I deserved till until I rectified my mistake. My boss found out and told me not to be so hard on myself. That there was no need to punish myself. I hadn't even realized that's what I was doing till she said that. I still was hard on myself but allowed her faith in me to let myself listen to music again. It ended up being what saved me.

This is why I relate so hard to him doing this. Because I did it. My whole life. Tim doesn’t even realize till now he’s punishing himself this way. He’s denied himself his person. What brings him the most constant joy in his life? Lucy. Who is the radiant sunshine that made his life better? Lucy. So. In turn he is denying himself the one person he feels he doesn’t deserve. Punishing himself by denying himself her presence, he is simultaneously depriving himself of the happiness their relationship brings him. We know how happy she's made him. The highest form of penance is sacrificing that. Oh my broken boy.

I love her saying 'Or more accurately someone.' She saw what went down at the kit room. How Tim longingly looked at Lucy when she departed. Knows this man is still so in love with her. It’s obvious he hasn’t made this connection himself till she says this. We see it dawning on Tim. Her getting through to him. We watch as this hits Tim square in his chest. Or really his heart. She has struck a deep chord and it shows all over his reaction. Especially in the second gif. Tim is holding back actual tears as it hits him.

Ugh my heart. Damn you Eric. As quickly as he comes to this realization Aaron re enters the car. Tim has to readjust and adapt back to hard ass. Was bummed couldn't fit this in but he struggles with it. Aaron is smart enough not to ask if he’s ok twice… I do remember being excited by this scene. Because I felt it would propel him toward therapy. To knowing he needs help. All the signs can be there but you have to see the need for it. I'll be forever grateful to Dr. London for helping him see it.

Lucy spotting Tim and touching her tattoo. Melissa you’re killing me. But also don’t stop. I love that you do that. It makes me wanna cry though. Because we all know why she reaches for it. It’s to remind herself she’s a survivor. The only problem is that idea came from Tim….That entire grounding exercise is wrapped up in him. So it’s painful she has to now use it about him. It’s beautifully tragic and subtle.

Which is why it hurts so good. Mostly hurts atm. Until they’re reconciled anyways. It PAINS me to see how awkward they are with one another. To go from being so damn linked to this disjointed mess….I hate it so much. Eric and Melissa do it so well though. The body language and the nervousness pouring out of them. Lucy wanting to start something but not knowing where to begin. At a loss for words.

Tim doesn’t help her at all. Just stands there like an awko taco. That lyric ‘I’ve never been a fighter.’ Ringing through the silence. Ugh the music attacking us once again in the best way. This song is so good for this moment. I truly think having listened to it enough times now. Feel it’s Lucy POV with these lyrics. Which I’ll delve into more in the side notes. This entire scene just hurts. Like poking a unhealed wound.

I have to note this gif separately. Said this a lot this ep but damn you Eric. His precious little smile here is killing me softly. He’s spent the entire ep on pins and needles. Avoiding his feelings. Lashing out at everyone around him. Then being hit with some serious realizations. Then he sees sees Lucy and it appears. That Lucy smile of his. But he forgets he can’t be flashing that adorable smile to her anymore. He lost the right to find comfort in her presence when he walked away from them. From her.

The smile also kills me because he’s so in love with her. Look at that man above. It’s written all over that smile. It hurts to watch. I saw a great tag for this gif. ‘idk what hurts more his little smile or his shining eyes.’ Honestly? Both. They both hurt….Once again he has no right to be showing her those in love eyes paired with tears. Only hurts her more. Hell it’s killing me. It pains me he’s punishing them both for this spiral. This scene hurts so much but starting out with this smile. *sigh* I'm dying Timothy. You've killed me.

Truly blinded by his own shortcomings at the start of this scene. Thought he could just jump back in there and be normal. That there’s no way she loved him like he loved her. So she would be more normal and ok after their break up than him. My broken Timothy you hurt my heart on so many levels. Not only that but makes a joke about clocking out. He's nervous in his delivery of it too. Which he should be. He exploded them and is making small talk? Oh Tim. No....

Lucy calls him out instantly for it. I adore her for the stand she takes here. Not only not letting hide in small talk but getting her side in finally. Refusing to let him force normalcy on them when they never had a real talk. An actual adult convo. Insulted he wants to hide in chit chat. No matter the place they’re in Lucy is always going to tell him like it is. We all know he loves her for it even when it hurts like hell like this scene does.

Lucy reams him like she should. Letting out all the emotions she never got to express. Also what she’s been stewing on. Telling him what she has been holding onto the past week. Saying how he’s been so concerned with what she deserves. That he BLEW past them even having an adult conversation. Which he most definitely did. Also it saddens me the physical distance in this scene. They’re never ever that far apart. Very telling of where they are right know. I hate it.

You can see the discord between just by their physical distance. What kills me is she gives him a chance to rectify it. To have that convo. Tim deflects because the man is no where near ready for that kind of conversation. It reflects in his reply. He only continues to see he isn’t worthy of her. You are everything she wants you foolish man. He doesn't have a damn clue with that though. So he continues to push her back. Away from him and his turmoil.

It’s here I’m so proud of Lucy. She stands her ground and sets a boundary. Which is not easy BTW. It's insanely hard. Telling Tim he has a lot more to work on that she realized.... That she wishes him good luck with that. But she clearly isn’t the person to help him anymore. *heart clutch* My heart is on the ground again. I get it though. She is stepping away from him and how nuclear he is. It’s such a good boundary to set for herself. For her sanity really.

Another great quote from that book mentioned last ep. “A boundary is our only fighting chance at reclaiming our peace.” It’s the only way she can regain any semblance of peace. To move on from this and heal. Have couple more that are so appropriate here. “People who are irresponsible with our hearts shouldn’t be granted great access to them.” Tim hurt her heart so greatly. Betrayed her trust so deeply. This boundary is to protect herself. But also to keep Tim from having the access he once had. It's easy to see he isn't budging so even if it pains her she has to create distance for herself.

Final one “Love can be unconditional but access doesn’t have to be.” Lucy still loves that man unconditionally but can’t allow him to access her heart anymore. She gave him one last shot and he blew it. So she retreated like she should when he denied her. Does kill me she is clutching her tattoo end of this scene as well. It's what keeps that boundary in place and her feet moving forward. Breaking my heart all over again in an instant. I'll just be sobbing in the corner no big deal...

I was pleasantly surprised when we got another moment in Grey’s office. Thinking that was the end of it. I was hoping against hope Tim wanted to reach out and get help. This scene delivers in spades on that. Tim fully expecting to be mandated therapy. We can see he’s actually disappointed when she has a good review of him. Reporting it won’t affect his work. I’m glad she did because it’s prompts Tim to advocate for himself in this moment.

To say I’m proud of him is an understatement. To not only see he has work to do but reach out for the help to accomplish that. The relief this made me feel is immense. Tim says he was expecting her to say he had a lot of work to do on himself. Grey opens the dialogue asking if he does? Tim says he thinks so…Such a huge step for him. I could cry. Hell I was misty when this scene happened. Tim then asks what Grey thinks of him seeing her regularly?

Wade's reply makes me heart so happy. That it takes a lot of courage to ask for help. It really does. There is nothing scarier than asking for help. Especially with your mental health. Men have it easy in a lot of ways IMO. This is not one of them. They are told not to have feelings, or anxiety, god help them if they mental health issues. Tim coming to this place is incredible. This is a milestone scene for his character. I loved the writers tackling mental health this year. For doing it with Tim too. I could cry at how proud I am for him reaching out. For realizing something is amiss and knowing he needs to fix it.

As if this episode wasn’t making me cry enough. This final scene with Tamara gets me teary. Other than Tim and Lucy they’ve been my fav. Been beautiful to watch them both grow. It helped Tamara heal her untrusting heart. That unconditional love Lucy gave her never wavered. It helped rebuild her faith in people. In herself. I know it helped Lucy heal from Jackson. To show her to open her heart again after losing him.

They healed one another and it makes me emotional writing about it. They’re sisters and family all wrapped up in one. Hard to watch Lucy lose another piece of her life though. Truly hope this pain and loss helps her grow. If there is anything I've learned in therapy is that. Growing through the pain. I hope s7 treats her kindly after this harsh season. It’ll be make all the hurt she goes through so much better. I’ll be fascinated to see how s7 starts for her. How it progresses.

Where she’s at emotionally and mentally. My heart hurts for her in this season. So very much. I can’t even explain the level of ache I feel for Lucy. Our girl deserves the world and more. I hope she explores herself more next season. Tunes into how she doesn’t tend to take care of herself. Think she is on a growth journey of her own. It starts here though. I’ll be excited to see how s7 plays out for her. The end. of this scene is funny. Lucy begging her not to tell the car story at dinner LOL

This is gigantic growth right here. Coming here like this. Telling Dr. London that he was thinking on all she said. He is going against his better nature and reaching out. Admitting something is wrong and doing something about it. I know how hard it is to reach a place where you do this. What’s so beautiful about this development is Tim seeing he needs help. It's why he's here. He can feel something inside him is broken. He doesn’t know how to fix it so he is reaching out to someone who does. Tim can tell something is wrong and just wants to fix it.

To understand why and to get better. It is not a light decision to start therapy. It really isn’t. I ran away from my feelings for years. Damn near a decade really. Made light of the abuse I had growing up. Would crack jokes about it even. Because that was my defense mechanism. It was easier than dealing with what really happened to me. Ignoring how emotionally unstable and imbalanced I was due to it. I spent most of my 20s running away from help. From therapy. When it was brought up to me I would shoot it down like Tim. Call it nonsense and how I didn’t need it. I was also like Tim (Still am. WIP over here) and wrapped my identity up in the same stuff.

Being so fucking harsh on myself it was unreal. I still struggle with giving myself grace. I feel I’ve gotten better but it’s still a daily battle. It’s hard to explain the feeling you get when you know you can’t out run your demons anymore. There is just something that goes off inside you like an alarm. It tells you it doesn’t feel right, that you don’t know how to fix it, but it is time you ought to. All I know is it is different for everyone. What set me off is very different from Tim’s. His was a past mistake that came with a side of buried trauma.

Mine was a kind comment meant to make me feel good. Also some buried trauma. I was helping this sweet old lady who was a client of mine. She noted the earrings I was wearing and said they were nice. Told her my mom gave them to me with no emotion in my tone. I’ll never forget the sweet look in her eyes as she told me ‘Your mother must love you very much.’ What should’ve been a nice comment was a huge trigger for me. My mother is some of my deepest seated trauma. It set me off like nothing ever has before.

Her saying that unlocked this pandoras box of emotions. One I spent nearly a decade suppressing. I got into my car afterward and cried. I texted my sister telling her I think it was time I got help. I felt something was wrong. Wrong enough to do something about it. My repressed emotions had clawed to the surface for air. I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I had to get help. Something was broken and I needed the help to fix it. So that brings us back to Tim in this moment. To why he is standing here right now before Dr. London.

He tells her she is right. That he is mad at himself. We can see the realization just wash over Tim. Like he’s opening his eyes for the first time in forever. We can also see the disappointment on his face when she says tomorrow. He is wanting to talk about this right then and there. I’m same way (shock surprise I know.) Blair sees this and asks if it’s an emergency? Tim doing what he does best says no. Trying to do the “honorable” and not burden her with his needs. Because it’s easy to see yourself as a burden to everyone when you’ve been treated like one most of your life.

It’s what makes Tim digging deep and saying no I need this now below so massive. Watching him advocate for himself *sigh* I wanna cry. Because this scene is HUGE for him. I remember thinking to those who were hating on him at the time. If you can’t grasp how groundbreaking this is. You don’t get his character at all. Nor have you ever struggled with mental health issues or asking for help. Anyone who was nasty about his mental health made me so mad. To be that cold and insensitive meant to me you were emotionally immature yourself. I'll die on that hill happily.

If you need help understanding Tim in this moment or this episode please use my experience. What happened with me and what it took to bring me to therapy. Because they are similar. That is this man in this moment. Realizing Ray resurfaced all his demons. They came up for air and weren’t going away this time. Just like mine. This is Tim’s ‘Come to Jesus’ moment in regard to his mental health. He’s standing here because everything Dr. London told him rang true. Hit a chord inside him it was time to get right.

The thing is he doesn’t know how to handle it. Which is why he is reaching out like this. I do wanna say Lucy got him to a better place for him to do this. S1 Tim wouldn’t have reacted this way to Dr. London. Not at all. I don’t wanna forget the impact she’s had on him. But this is not Lucy’s problem to fix. She even stated that in their scene together. She is not the one which sucks. But this is not her journey to be on. A healing journey is a very personal and vulnerable thing. It’s one you have to do by yourself. (And with your therapist)

My friends and family helped prep me for mine. I’m so grateful for that. To get me to place where I could see I needed the help. But it was up to ME to take that first step. That's what this scene represents for Tim. Taking that ever so painful and scary first step into healing. Tim can see the work he has to do and that is progress. I truly truly hope he continues therapy in s7.

Despite Blair. I’m so excited they went this path with him. Didn’t just try and fix them and gloss over the fact he needs help. Appreciate the proper care they took with this SL. It also may not have felt like it at the time. But it’s paving a path of healing for them in the future. Tim’s head right will be best for them when they heal and reunite. Phew This was a doozy to tackle. I hope you all enjoyed it. And those who didn’t read my mini can see Tim’s POV and the WHY of everything. As I’ve said many times it is not to excuse but to explain.

Side Notes-Very Much Chenford

This will be Chenford related . I wanted a section to go over this glorious song 'The Ventura Exit.' Just wasn't room in the review to do it. So I'm doing it my side notes. More I listened to it the more it was perfect for this episode. Especially with what Lucy's is going through. It feels very much from her POV. The lyrics hit so much and have to be acknowledged IMO. First couple are just angsty musings from the song. They clearly aren't canon but evoked these thoughts in me. Others felt more canon driven.

"The first night I woke up four times on your side of the bed." This lyric could be said of the both of them. But this makes me think of her reaching out to his side in middle of the night. You know she probably still had on and off nightmares about DOD. Reaching out to him being a default for her. I could see that first night of their breakup this happening. This song put stuff in my head I had to get out lol

"Fighting muscle memory expecting a hand to be there when I reach out. Taking the Ventura exit to your house." This song is playing through out the rest of the episode. You can hear the lyrics if you really listen. I'm sure she fought the auto pilot to his house during that week as well. I know we only see them at her place but you know she was over there a lot too. Probably had her own drawer and all that. "I don’t hate you, but the more I think on it you let me down (You couldn’t see me. You stopped believing)" This encapsulates everything in this episode for Lucy. She doesn't hate him but he let her down SOOO much. He couldn't see her in their fight. He stop believing in them. Believing in her. So heartbreaking how perfect this song is. I wanna cry. "I miss you, I miss you, I’ll never forgive you. I wish I was with you I miss you I miss you I’ll always forgive you." I loved it ending on this lyric. Starts out with anger and never forgiving then it does. Because that is true of Lucy. She misses him so much but is so damn angry with him. But wishes she was with him. Which is why the ending lyric being that gets. me in the feels. We know she'll always forgive him. She loves this man too much not too.

I believe that's what we'll see in s7. Especially with him working on himself. That and giving her whatever doses she allows for him to show how much she means to him. This lyric made me hopeful for the first time since 6x05. If you don't have this song I highly recommend buying it. Not only is is perfect for this episode and them. It's just a REALLY good song. You can listen to it in full in the link I posted though. Thank you for all the likes, comments ( I LOVE comments don't be shy ha ) and reblogs. You are the reason I do these. I shall see you in 6x08 :)

[bird-inacage]

Only Friends: EP10 Ray's Therapy Scene (First Focus)

I've been meaning to do a deep dive on this scene, which has no doubt been immensely commended for Khaotung's stellar performance (I'm running out of vocabulary to gush about how talented that boy is). However the purpose of this post is to highlight how equally superb First is, as I fear some may overlook the excellent work he does here.

The reason why this scene warrants a huge amount of respect is how challenging this dynamic is on both actors. Only Ray is speaking the entire way through, which means the tone and rhythm of the scene is led by Khaotung, whilst First's role here as Sand is to be reactive to this immense outpouring and release of emotion. First is required to be a very restrained and contemplative presence - a projection and visual representation of Sand in Ray's own mind. It's literally acting on a macro (Khaotung) and micro (First) level in tandem.

I want to start by mentioning how well First portrays this bedded-in weariness in Sand’s demeanor throughout, an expression we’ve seen in Episode 8. It carries this heartbreakingly heavy and worn down quality. A symptom of a man who bears far too much weight on his shoulders, whose mental toil never seems to end; a product of his own nature and those who knowingly or unknowingly take advantage of it. This is the tragedy of Sand's character. And this is the realisation that is well and truly hitting Ray now. His temper and behaviour have inevitably taken its toll on someone Ray knows doesn't deserve all the suffering he's been putting him through.

⬆️ "I was stupid, but I want you to understand me. I was mad at you because I cared so much about you."

When Ray starts asking for forgiveness, there's an air of slightly deflated scepticism that flits across Sand's face. Sand's immediate instinct is to be hopeful, to give someone the benefit of the doubt. But the reality is Ray has apologised a number of times before and that hasn’t stopped him from hurting Sand still. So Sand’s expression sobers, conscious of how likely it is that Ray will let him down again.

This is Ray acknowledging that he's fallen into a pattern of taking Sand for granted. If that’s all Sand has come to expect, why would his apology this time change anything? Ray has not earnt his redemption yet as he hasn't apologised to Sand in person, and has no guarantee it would be accepted. Which is why he's so upset because he registers that Sand's disappointment in him is fully deserved.

⬆️ "There's no one more caring or loving than you. Though I've been nothing but an asshole to you."

You see the tiniest lift of Sand's brow that's tinged with grateful disbelief, 'Me? But I'm nothing special'. His gaze softens by the sentiment, a visible breath inhaled in as if taken aback, clearly touched but hesitant to believe it. A humbling trait of Sand's is that he genuinely struggles to see his own value. He doesn't realise just how meaningful he can be to someone. That he could hold such weight.

And all the criticism that Ray has thrown at Sand has only piled onto the insecurities he possesses. Remarks that have questioned Sand's principles, his dignity, his sense of worth.

⬆️ "But if you don't want to put up with me anymore, that's alright. I get you."

Ray's image of Sand watches on as he begins to fall apart, crushed by a mixture of intense fear, regret, and despair that this may be too little too late. That his last outburst may well have been the final straw, and he failed to appreciate Sand when it mattered.

On the surface Sand may look numb or somewhat devoid of emotion, but you can detect the turbulence brewing underneath. Sand has a habit of holding in his feelings in to an almost painful degree (which begs for release). It gives you the impression he could suddenly burst at the seams at any given moment. But Sand as always holds still, holds strong, holds steady. Other than the slight twitch of his lip, he holds himself together somehow.

⬆️ "No one can put up with me".

Ray vocalises his own self-hatred, how little he deserves someone like Sand, how guilty he feels for causing this damage. Whilst he does so, Sand appears increasingly teary, lip ever so slightly quivering, brows crumpling. He looks like he desperately wants to break down and cry along with Ray.

What sets Sand apart from everyone else in Ray’s life is he understands. He can sympathise with why Ray is the way he is. Despite everything Ray has done, Sand still very much wants to protect him, shield him, care for him. He doesn't blame him. It breaks his heart to see Ray upset, to see Ray hurting. His compassion for Ray has always been his undoing.

The last thing he would want is for Ray to feel unwanted or intolerable. He tries to be the person who can withstand Ray's temper, his volatile nature, because he knows Ray is still deserving of love. It’s because of this love that he can feel every single thing that Ray is going through.

Sand exudes an incredibly strong parental presence in this scene; a form of unconditional love and patience. As we're often told by our parents, they're not angry at us when we veer off path, just disappointed and perhaps saddened on our behalf - but that won't stop them from loving us all the same. This is beautifully captured by First. You can detect Sand's selfless love for Ray in his every gaze, always.

⬆️ "Ever since you walked into my life, I've been so happy. So damn happy Sand."

This is where Sand almost breaks down as he displays a small, tentative smile that is laced with pained and tired relief. His eyes close in an attempt to maintain composure. Whilst there’s overwhelm, there’s also finally a glimmer of peace.

This is what Ray knows Sand needs to hear, what Ray wishes he'd said sooner. Ray picturing himself saying this to Sand may be a form of vindication in the event he doesn't get say this to him in-person.

Finally Ray collapses into Sand's arms. Sand seems to visibly reign in his own emotions, in order to revert back to 'care-taker' mode. Sand nods once, a gesture of kindness and true acceptance that says 'It's all okay, I know.'

He's Ray's pillar, his rock, and his raft. Sand has become Ray's primary source of safety and comfort. Sand's gaze is so endlessly gentle as he nestles in close to hold Ray. Everything about his embrace feels warm and stable in such a reassuring way. Sand is every bit as loving and caring as Ray just described him to be.

What makes this entire portrayal so devastating is this is the Sand Ray sees and knows. Ray mentions in Episode 11 that he’s been stowing away these details. Which indicates that everything Sand has done and said has not gone unnoticed. Whether it was due to denial or ignorance that prevented Ray from confronting it sooner, he has unconsciously taken note of it all. How Ray's image of Sand responds in this scene is based on every interaction he's had with Sand up until now. This imaginary representation of Sand is proof of everything that Ray has come to fall in love with.

First was not given any dialogue in which to communicate in this scene. His entire performance relies solely on the tiniest of micro-expressions and gestures. He symbolises the essence of Sand but not the physical manifestation of him. Therefore his acting may come across as understated but that’s a sign of real talent when you can say so much with so little.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

You're Mine No Matter What: The Commodification of Sand

I have been thinking a lot in the last couple weeks about the dynamic between Ray and Sand, namely the significant imbalance between Sand and Ray in their relationship to one another that has been at the very least, fun to watch, even as I have been slightly miffed at Sand being so much of a simp for Ray when Ray does not reciprocate these feelings. 

Now, @emotionallychargedtowel had a brilliant write up about Sand’s possible parentification and resulting need to play the caretaker for the people around him, which everyone should read. I loved it a lot because it puts Sand in to perspective, that he can be jerked around and insulted and still have care and still want to help the person who is actively and intentionally trying to insult him. Sand likes Ray, that much has been clear from the moment Ray rested his head on Sand’s shoulder after puking in Episode 1, but Ray? Ray does not see Sand the same way, as much as his puppy dog eyes may lead Sand to believe. 

To Ray, who is rich, and difficult to manage, and holds on so tightly to the belief he is a burden, Sand is a commodity, something Ray owns. And it is absolutely hilarious to me that I was thinking about trying to do this write up and drop it before Episode 8, and decided I should wait. AND I AM SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE RAY LITERALLY SAID AS MUCH TO SAND THIS EPISODE. 

Listen, I love First and I love Khao and I love FirstKhao’s chemistry, but in no way, shape, or form do I want Ray and Sand to end up together, they are terrible for each other, and Sand’s lack of self respect at this point is a motherfucking tragedy. I mean, think about it, what care has Ray given to Sand?

Drove Sand to his apartment after the party (and then ditched him in the middle of a make out)

Offered to buy him a guitar

What care has Sand given to Ray? 

Driven him home and taken care of him when he was blackout drunk 

Hung out with him when no one else was around to care: Paid

Hung out with him when no one else was around to care: For Free

Cooked food for Ray 

Changed his work schedule to play at the hostel party

Cooked breakfast for Ray 

Let Ray use him as an excuse to not go to work and instead spending the day with him on Sand’s birthday 

Helped Ray change his clothes 

Followed after Ray and tried to stop him from drunk driving after Ray called him a whore 

Saved Ray from his car accident

(Most likely) agreed to something from Ray’s dad 

Took care of Ray when he was injured including helping him shave and bathe.

Tried to save Ray from getting caught with drugs by the cops after Ray interrupted his time with another guy and kissed him without consent

Tried to fight the cops to get them to let Ray go after Ray essentially said that he owned Sand.

Sand is poor, he’s booked and busy, he’s barely got time of his own to spend on the things he enjoys, he is fundamentally a caretaker, juggling school, multiple jobs, and his mother’s health. We see how much of grind Sand’s life is in the montage at the beginning of Episode 5, he does not have room to slip another person in to his life, hell, the boy barely has any friends. He’s never hanging out with anyone unless it’s Nick and he’s at home. So it is very important to keep in mind that Sand is making time for Ray. Sand has a life that is jam packed and stressful, and Ray keeps asking for more and more of Sand’s time. Time Sand cannot really afford to give and gives it anyway. 

Sand is a caretaker, Sand has a crush on Ray, Sand cannot say no to Ray’s puppy dog eyes and chronic need for help. And the tragedy here is that there is a world where I can see how Sand convinced himself that he and Ray were maybe moving in the same direction. Because Ray couldn’t let go. They fucked once, and Sand said that Ray was going to keep wanting him, and he was right. From the very beginning of their relationship to one another, Ray has been the one constantly asking for and initiating physical intimacy with Sand. The first time we see Sand initiate anything really isn’t until Episode 5 when he goes slack jawed looking at Ray before they kiss and even then Ray is the one that leans in to meet him. Ray is the pursuer here, Ray is the one that stalks Sand, Ray is the one that interrupts Sand’s next one night stand, Ray is the one that is always asking if he can stay over, that is asking for help, that is asking for sex. So of course Sand is going to start thinking some type of way about what he and Ray are to each other, even if they haven’t had any conversations about the nature of their relationship. 

But I think Sand is so used to taking care of other people that he hasn’t really gotten it through his head that Ray doesn’t not feel the same. We see every twist of the knife in Sand’s face in Episode 5 whenever he is reminded of that fact. But I think that despite the shit that Ray has put him through, Sand hasn’t fully realized, or at least, he is refusing to admit it to himself that there is no scenario where Ray falls in love with him, because to Ray, Sand is a commodity. 

Sand is something to be bought. 

Sand is someone Ray can go to when he wants to be serviced. 

Sand is his favorite toy. 

Ray doesn’t like Sand, Ray likes the attention, Ray likes being noticed, Ray likes being cared for, because in his life, his friends mostly ignore him, his father mostly ignores him, his mother is dead and he grew up knowing that she hated him. Ray fell in love with Mew because Mew gave him attention and care, because Ray held him in the bathtub while he sobbed, and Ray has never been able to let go of that idea. But so too, has Ray not been able to let go of the other person who is providing happiness on tap. 

favorite photo ever, courtesy of @liyazaki

There are two critical details to remember about Ray. One- Ray is rich, Two- Ray has substance use disorder. Which means that Ray is constantly looking for the next thing that will make him feel good. He drinks to forget, he does cocaine, Ray by nature of his substance dependency does not have a concept of delayed gratification. Ray is extremely rooted in the present, in whatever dopamine hit is within the closest reach. And Sand and his natural tendency to give everything he has is one of the easiest things for him to reach for. Every time that Sand has tried to set a boundary, Ray has crossed it because he knows Sand has feelings for him, he knows he can manipulate that if he just begs cute enough. When he wants sex, he can get sex, when he wants adventure, he can get adventure, when he wants care, he can get care quick, easy, and cheap. Ray paid Sand once for his time, and learned he could be bought, and he has held on to that one time subscription fee extremely tightly. 

When it comes to Ray and Sand, there is no winning for Sand that is not defined by the two of them never seeing each other again. Because the second that Ray paid Sand for his time, Sand became Ray’s property, and Ray has never stopped thinking of Sand as such. And we know this is true because of everything Ray does and says related to Sand showing any level of autonomy that runs counter to Ray’s vested interests. 

Ray pays for Sand to hang out with him, and soon afterwards, Sand tries to bring a girl home from the bar for a one night stand, only for Ray to interrupt them. Sand ends up going home with Ray instead. Ray convinces Sand to keep making out with him in the car, and then casts Sand aside the second that Mew calls. Sand tries to put up a barrier and Ray is like “yeah sure I’ll care about your feelings, why don’t I buy you a guitar?” because Ray is rich, and so his first solution to conflict is to throw money at the problem, but Sand is easily sated by a little bit of crossed thumbs. 

Sand tries to set another boundary in Episode 6 after he learns that Ray has a crush on Mew, and Ray blows right through that boundary by as @emotionallychargedtowel calls it, “aggressively falling apart”. Ray, to be fair to him is not getting drunk and falling to pieces to intentionally rope Sand back in to his gravity, but Sand’s long held tendencies to help people are going to send him back to Ray every time, because Ray is desperately in need of help and no one else can really be fucked. 

If we weren’t already aware of Ray’s tendency to think of Sand as property, we get another great indication of Ray’s mentality around Sand in the same episode. When Ray is going off on everyone at the bar on Mew’s birthday, Sand tries to step in to stop Ray’s escalation. Ray does not take kindly to this, and says to Sand’s face, in public “You don’t wanna be a singer. You just want to make money. If you want it so much, why don’t you sleep with me?” thus associating Sand’s moments of physical intimacy and sex with Ray as purchasable, as commodities. Why? Because Sand could be bought once, and thus can be bought again. Ray doesn’t think about Sand as a suitor, he thinks of Sand as a whore, and again he says as much when Sand runs after Ray to try to stop him from drunk driving. 

Sand: “Stop thinking about Mew and focus on me for once. Can’t you really see that I care about you?”

Ray: “Why would you poke your nose in my business? What are we to each other? What are we?” 

Sand: “Right. We are nothing to each other, but at least I am your fellow human. I don’t want you to drive when drunk. You can risk your life all you want. But don’t you dare risk other people’s lives too.” 

Ray: “Let go of me you shit. Let go. Or I need to pay you, whore?” 

And thus we have our answer to Ray’s initial question, “What are we to each other?” “whore”. When Ray is wasted, and pissed, and Sand is showing active defiance over Ray’s behavior, Ray reverts immediately back in to the mindset that Sand is owned, that his behavior, his choices, his morals can be changed if enough money is handed to him. Because Ray has bought Sand before, because Sand is poor, and Ray is rich, and Ray thinks that the only thing that Sand could possibly want is more money. 

Sand will commit crimes for money (making and selling plum wine). Sand will hang out with Ray for money. Sand will sing for money. Ray comes from a world with money, it is not absent struggle, but Ray’s struggles are more internal, engrained in his family dynamics. He has never had to worry about making enough money for rent, he has never had to worry about violence being done to him or a loved one from debtors when they can’t pay their interest on time, Ray has never had to live in a world without money, and it is clear from the first episode that Ray is someone that looks down on  poor people, the way he immediately accuses Sand of stealing from him when he wakes up in Sand’s apartment. 

And again, to be fair to Ray, he is not the only one. A couple of the other rich boys look down on Sand the same way. Mew wants Ray to lower his standards and settle for Sand, as if a relationship with Sand would somehow be lesser, when Sand is a good person who cares about and takes good care of Ray, he’s just poor. Top, similar looks down on Sand, he stole his boyfriend, he thinks absolutely nothing of Sand. 

Ray gets in a car accident, Sand saves his life, and then Ray’s expectation from there is that Sand will take care of him. Sand (who has very limited funds compared to Ray) buys him a drink, he helps him strip, he helps him shave, he waits hand and foot on Ray. And how does Ray repay him? By jumping in to a relationship with Mew the very second an opportunity presents itself, leaving Sand once again in the dust. Because Ray doesn’t ever actually take Sand’s feelings in to consideration when he is making decisions. Sand is a plaything to Ray, and Ray has a shinier new offer dangling in front of him. 

Sand, once again, tries to set a boundary, establish a barrier, remind himself and remind Ray that they aren’t friends, they haven’t been friends, and Sand is trying to be the bigger, better person by letting Ray go, by telling him he is happy for Ray to have finally gotten what he wanted in his relationship with Mew. And throughout the entire exchange, Ray keeps looking so confused when he hears Sand’s consistent rejection of Ray’s wishes about how he and Sand will move forward in their relationship to one another now that Ray is dating Mew.  

“So what’s up with Mew? I heard he broke up with Top” Sand asks, and Ray swallows hard, in a way that I personally read as guilty. 

“Good, you can finally end the secret crush. Such a waste of time, right?” a confession from Sand that Ray picks up on. 

“Are you okay?” Ray asks, this is the second time that Ray has tried to check in on Sand after his relationship to Mew got in the way of his relationship to Sand. 

“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re seeing someone you always loved. It’s a dream come true.” Sand once again is not acknowledging out loud or honestly his own feelings, but he is putting his own feelings aside to acknowledge Ray’s feelings. To try to, even still, even after how shittily Ray has treated him, even after how much Ray has taken Sand’s care for granted, spare Ray from feeling bad about fucking with his feelings. 

“Can we still be friends?” Ray asks, because he hasn’t ever had actual consequences for his behavior before. 

“Friends? You and I have never been friends from the get-go. We have nothing in common. Besides, I don’t know why I should be friends with you.” Sand replies, again trying to create a barrier between him and Ray that allows him to be free from Ray’s gravity. 

“But, when I’m with you, I’m so damn happy.” Ray says, because shit like that has always worked with Sand in the past: “Can we hang out together?”, “jerking off feels so good when you’re hungover”, “can you help me?”, and for the first time it really seems like Sand is sticking to his guns. 

*deep breath from Sand, who seems like he is fighting back tears he is so upset at hearing that Ray is happy with him and yet having Ray deny that in favor of chasing his next piece of ass* “You will be too when you spend time with Mew. What you did with me, you will get to do it with him. You might even be happier.”

Sand tries to walk away and Ray grabs him by the arm, because Ray has never once let Sand maintain a boundary, “Sand.”

gif from @liyazaki

“Let me go already.” Sand replies, and Sand here is begging Ray not only to literally let him go, but metaphorically, emotionally, to free Sand of this back and forth. To release him from this existence as someone to be jerked around, whose feelings can be trifled with because Ray isn’t fully capable of seeing Sand as a person with his own feelings that are impacted by the choices that Ray makes. 

And because Ray cannot let it go, cannot just let his precious toys leave him, he remains adamant about blowing past barriers as often as possible when it comes to his interactions with Sand. Sand literally asks Ray to let him go, and not long after that Ray is wandering back in to the study room where Sand is, trying to get them back on good terms. But again, to point out that Ray commodifies Sand, what is it that Ray is asks him for? Is it to go out to dinner with him? Is it to just hang out and chill? To go to the bar? Is it to apologize for his behavior? 

No. 

Ray asks Sand to come with him to do social work, to come with him to play music for children. Why? Because Sand knows how to play guitar, and Ray knows that he can wear Sand down eventually. But it bears reminding that Ray’s social work is court ordered, he is literally asking Sand to suffer the (very minimal) consequences of Ray’s drunk driving with him, and he’s trying to pick the social work option that is the least miserable, the least amount of work, and he is trying to rope in the only person he knows who can get him out of the types of social work that involve manual labor. Because Ray cannot play an instrument, so he would not be able to play music for children without Sand’s presence. 

Once again, Ray proves that he is not capable of associating Sand with anything other than a service provider. 

Or, as we see later on in the episode, as property. 

Because here Ray is, fucking with Sand’s feelings, dating Mew, making out with Mew at the party and there Sand is, not wanting to be at this party in the least but going anyway because he feels bad about what he did to Nick by stealing and sharing that TopBoston audio file, trying to move on, trying to kiss a random stranger with mutual interests at this party, only to have…

Ray interrupt them before they can kiss, squeeze himself physically in between Sand and Freddie #2, and asking if the two of them have slept together. 

“Did you sleep with him?” 

“Damn it, Ray. Are you high? How about you go to sleep?”

“I want to sleep with you. Or what, should we invite Mr. Freddie here to sleep with us? Let’s do it, I’ll go first,” 

AND THEN RAY GRABS SAND AND KISSES HIM WITHOUT HIS CONSENT (which I am pretty certain Mew would consider cheating especially after the whole ordeal with Top) when Sand was just about to consensually kiss someone who wasn’t Ray (again, Ray is unable to let Sand ever exhibit his own autonomy). Until Freddie #2 leaves them alone, assuming they are in a relationship, and not wanting to get involved with “someone else’s boyfriend”

“What the fuck is this. You have Mew now. What do you want from me? Go guard your boyfriend,” 

“I can have feelings for as many people as I want,” 

“But you can’t do this to me,” 

“Stop fooling yourself, Sand. You like me,” Ray points “You love me. You can’t walk away from me. You’re mine no matter what.”

gif by @moonkhao

and there is a reason why they put Ray in the fucking Joker’s costume for this episode, cause that boy is acting toxic as all hell. So even now, Ray isn’t sated, Ray made his choices, Ray picked Mew, Ray left Sand in the dust, but Ray cannot separate Sand’s autonomy out from Ray’s possession of him. I love Only Friends for the level of hypocrisy they allow their characters to have. Ray is allowed to date and have feelings for Mew, and to want Sand, but Sand is not allowed to move on from Ray, Sand is not allowed to have feelings for other people, let alone just make out with a stranger or fuck somebody else without any feelings involved. 

And I cannot stress enough that this is shitty behavior on Ray’s part, this isn’t cute, this isn’t funny, the extent to which Ray is possessive over a person he has no right to act that way towards is inconsiderate, rude, and objectifying. Sand is not allowed to have his own thoughts, Ray must put words in his mouth. Sand is not allowed to move on from Ray, Ray will keep pushing Sand’s boundaries until Sand relents because Ray knows he can manipulate Sand’s feelings for him, Sand will always be a caretaker and Ray will always need taking care of. Sand is maybe waking up to this fact, or maybe the horror in his eyes when Ray is yelling at him is Sand realizing at the very least that Ray knows how Sand feels about him, and Sand is admitting to himself in this moment that like Nick, he can’t help but love this person who has treated him poorly. 

Because Sand is a caretaker, and caretakers, at least in my own experience, are used to having their own wants and needs trampled over. No boundary withstands first contact with someone in need of help. I have tried to reach out and give support to people that I know didn’t like me after they went through hard times together, I don’t talk to my friends about shit that is actually and actively impactful to my mental health and wellbeing, many of the people I am friends with frequently only reach out when they need something from me. If they needed homework answers, or if they needed observation, or if they needed to be picked up early in the morning from the airport and otherwise they never really talked to me. Like, I get a lot of where Sand is coming from with his need to take care of Ray because Ray is a young adult, going through a lot, in need of a lot of professional help he isn’t getting, and Sand can’t not be compelled to help him as much as he can. 

And listen, in my opinion some of Sand’s actions with Ray are justified from a safety perspective, Sand is a caretaker, Sand knows Ray is willing to drink and drive, Sand puts his pride aside to try and ensure that Ray doesn’t leave in his car, and then follows him to make sure that he doesn’t get in to an accident. Those actions make sense to me.

gif from @bird-inacage

Sand doesn’t want Ray to get in to any more legal trouble, so tries to hide the evidence of drugs and get Ray out of the party, which in a normal circumstance I would generally be in support of, but crucially, as @neuroticbookworm and @lurkingshan have touched on in some of their posts Sand cannot afford a run in with police.  Not in the same way that Ray can. Ray is rich, Ray says he can handle the cops, and he can because he can buy them off, the way that Top bought them off. But Sand doesn’t come from a world where he can skirt consequences. 

But there are many places where Sand lets himself get trampled over because he has legitimate feelings for Ray, and Ray won’t let Sand make his own choices long enough to wake up, look around, and realize that Ray has literally given him nothing of substance in return.

[bunnybubae]

(M)🚦Red Light: The Fear | Ch1 [JJK]

👉🏻[Series Masterpost]

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader (GymOwner!JK/MotoRacer!JK/Biker!JK-TattoArtist!OC)

Genre: S2L - Smut - Fluff - Angst

Summary: Jeon Jungkook never lets any distraction take him away from his motorcycle or his gym for more than one night. He just wants to speed around the track and feel the adrenaline rushing through his veins, the sex he gets thanks to his charm, is just a side dish to his life. A tough past brought him on that Ducati that he learned to love, a past  you'll uncover, as you slowly seep in under his skin. It's a hell of a ride, in all senses, as you try to escape your own hell in the meanwhile.  Where will this ride bring you? Will it be worth it in the end?

Chapter Warnings: This chapter describes an episode of harassment (it involves an unwanted kiss), please be aware of this if this theme makes you uncomfortable, description of past emotional abuse (manipulation, toxic jealousy), Angst, mention of alcohol consumption, Oc's ex is a stalker, cops are grossly negligent in this au, Tae and Hani to the rescue, Jk is hot af but this is nothing new.

Wc: 7.4k

A/N: Hello there! I've been planning this whole series for over a year and I'm finally able to make it come to life, slowly but surely! As always, I'm sorry if there are some grammatical mistakes, english isn't my first language and I don't have a beta, so pls bear with me! 🫶🏻

Let me know what you think about the series, my box is always open! - Joy 🐰

September 12th, Tuesday

The sun has already set, leaving the place to the colors of dusk.

You feel that your heart might explode in your chest at any moment. Is it the september evening breeze that's causing the chills covering your skin, or if it's all due to this visceral fear that's blocking your muscles right now? You can't quite tell.

After some extra hours at work, you thought you could finally close the tattoo shop in peace and go home to enjoy some leftover pizza in front of your laptop, but no- Ray evidently had other plans for you, deciding to unexpectedly visit you in the most unpleasant way possible. 

You wish Hani had stayed a little longer today to close the shop with you, because this sickening feeling it's becoming unbearable. You feel like a mouse in front of a ravenous cat and you want to scream, but you just don't find the courage to do it. 

He caught you off guard from behind, while you were looking for the keys in your bag, then he effortlessly spun you around on the spot and you found yourself blocked by your shoulders leaning against the entrance door of the shop. 

Your throat tightens as you struggle to breathe regularly. 

You're helpless and right now the only thing you can do is curse the day you replied to his message on Instagram, curse the invitation to participate at that damn workshop you and Hani organized for an exchange of advertising between tattoo artists. You can only curse that day and the following ones you spent with him. Of course you couldn't imagine that your perfect relationship would turn into such a nightmare, your ex used to be so kind and loving with you at the beginning, not even close to the obsessive, pleading mess that's keeping you trapped in utter fear right now. Jealousy can sometimes turn into such an obsession evidently, it can change people and you never expected something like this to happen in your life. Everything only got worse when after almost a year in your toxic relationship, you found the courage to finally break up with him. 

Weeks had passed since the last time Ray had disgusted you with his threatening messages and unexpected visits during work, you were almost convinced he had found another hobby but as a matter of fact, you were wrong. 

He understood that you can ignore his messages or even block his number for good, that you won't listen to him when Hani or your clients are around, but you certainly won't be able to ignore his forced presence, especially now that you're totally alone. He knows he has your undivided attention in this way.

He slurs something but you can't even pay attention. His inked arms are situated on each side of your head, while he looks down at you with desperate eyes. You don't even recognize him anymore. He used to take extra care of his appearance and health back when you two used to date, but now it seems like he is facing a grave problem with drinking. His body is close to yours, way too close for your liking and his warm breath mixed with whatever alcohol he drank, almost makes you gag. 

The smell of his cologne is the only thing that's still the same and that you recognize, it hits your nostrils and it brings back memories that now only hurt.

“Y/N, baby- why do you keep ignoring me like this?” his voice is strained and his face is contorted in anger- or nostalgia, you can't even tell. "You're killing me and I always treated you well" He is trying to stop the thoughts that are clouding his mind, slurring out the words breathlessly.

"I fucking miss you! I don't know what else to do to make you mine again!" 

These words are filled with desperation and you hate it, his need for possession is crystal clear in his statements. He threatened you multiple times saying that if you didn't get back together he would harm himself, claiming that the pain was too strong for him to bear, but he never said he wanted you back because he loved you, not even once. The only thing that he misses is controlling you, the only thing that he loves is taking away everything from you, putting himself at the center of your world.

He only wants to call you his, like a mere emotionless object. You hate it, you hate him.

He probably never wanted to take care of your heart as you believed and the realization that you were in love with him once, that his twisted feelings were strong for you but not in a healthy way, it makes you sick to your stomach. You should have known better, but you were blinded by your feelings.

There was a moment when you thought that you deserved this treatment, you told yourself that you allowed all of this because you were too naive to notice that those toxic feelings were poisoning your persona, till it was too late and they suffocated you, caging you. 

"G-get away from me" you manage to say in a small voice as your heart thunders in your ears. Your stomach twists in a knot when you sense his moving hands. The fear turns into pure horror when his hands find their way to rest on your cheeks a little too harshly and you instinctively hold your breath.

His drunken lips crash into yours with urgency, and you feel like you might throw up at all the disgusting sensations you are experiencing right now. Your body reacts of its own accord, rejecting this desperate, unwanted kiss before he could deepen it or do something worse. 

“I said get away from me!” you scream in a broken voice as you try to push him away with all the strength you possess. 

Ray is looking at you, almost surprised that you had the courage to reject him. Despite your effort he doesn't budge much, it's like his feet are planted to the ground. 

You're not able to meet his bloodshot eyes as you desperately try to free yourself. He's mumbling something that you can't quite comprehend and then his heavy hands are pushing your shoulders against the cold glass of the shop entrance, once again.

You didn't know you were crying until your vision started to blur with tears. This feeling of helplessness is the same one that kept you stuck in Ray's twisted love for months. 

Red flags were scattered all around, he started by making you doubt your abilities as an artist to then insistently ask you to pass all your male clients to Hani, co-owner of the shop as well as your best friend ever since you were children. She was the one who covered up your lies with Ray, as you tried to keep your clients aways from his madness.

He bulldozed everything around you, but Hani always stayed by your side, refusing to believe Ray's lies. She was your sturdy pillar when everything around you was falling apart. 

It was when Ray began to spread heavy lies about her, to lead you to break the agreements and contract with her, that you finally understood the gravity of the situation, that he was capable of totally ruining your life if you allowed him to manipulate you further. 

The threatening texts and stalking episodes that followed are nothing compared to what keeping a relationship with him could have entailed.

You're not sure when Ray started behaving in a toxic manner, cause you still remember the rosy beginning of your relationship and everything was just fine. Hani says she started noticing changes when he decided to surprise you one day at the shop and found the both of you engaged in a simple conversation with some male regulars. This evidently made him very jealous, because from that moment, the ordeal began. 

Your thoughts and sobbing are interrupted when Ray goes from mumbling pleas to insulting you with hatred, while his hands squeeze your shoulders as if to make sure to imprint on your skin all that he is feeling for you. 

You're not sure how you managed to free yourself from his grip, next thing you know you're running with all the strength you have left in your body, abandoning the alley of the shop to find a safer place. You hear him calling your name a couple of times as you put more and more distance between you. You fear that he might follow you and block you once again and the mere thought of finding yourself defenseless in the arms that once wrapped you with apparent affection, is enough to make new tears flow down your cheeks. 

The streets are almost empty and after reaching one that is well illuminated by shop signs, you look around to make sure he is not after you. When you make sure he is nowhere to be found, you grab your phone with shaky hands to call your best friend. You keep walking down the sidewalk as you try to calm your crying. 

“Y/N?” 

After a few rings, Hani answers the phone and hearing her voice ruins your desperate attempt to stay calm. You let out a liberating cry as you tell her that Ray really went too far this time. 

You knew that Hani had a date with her boyfriend, Taehyung, who she met several months ago at the shop. Tae got a tattoo from her and from that moment they became inseparable. You knew they were going out to dinner and you feel bad ruining their date like this, but they are the only people you can trust who know everything about your struggles with your ex.

Hani speaks quickly but gently on the phone, she clearly tries to keep calm while she tells you to go to the bar that you often visit after work, located just a few minutes away from the shop. She reassures you, telling you that they would be there as soon as possible. 

“Don't hang up until you get there, okay?” Hani adds, she can probably sense how shaken you are by what just happened and leaving you alone, even if it's over the phone, is out of question.

“I'm almost there,” you reply weakly through your sobs as you keep walking. You dry your face and try to normalize your breathing when you reach the small street where the bar is located. It's a quiet little place that holds countless memories for you and Hani, it was there that you and her celebrated the purchase of your tattoo shop a few years ago and it's where you return whenever you feel the need to unplug for a moment, while remaining in an familiar environment that makes you feel at ease. 

You walk through the entrance still holding your phone to your ear. The warmth hits your limbs pleasantly while lounge music and the smell of beer begin to envelop you like a blanket. 

On the other end of the phone you hear a loud windy noise and you deduce that Hani has already gotten on the motorcycle with Tae and that they are therefore about to arrive.

You feel a little calmer.

You end the call, knowing that Hani can't hear you and instead you opt for a text, informing her you'll wait for them at your usual spot. 

When you scan the place, you're glad it's only a tuesday as there are only a few people. You reach the slightly more secluded area of the place and you sit at your favorite table. The place is filled with fairy lights hanging above your head, their light hitting the brickstone of the walls and the wooden furniture just right, giving a cozy vibe that you always liked.

You then take off your jacket and your bag before sitting down, glad to have some dividers shielding you as you feel the aftermath of the adrenaline rush coming to you, all your strength drains away. Your shoulders ache from the tension and because of Ray's grip on them, your feet throb from the wild run and your heart continues to beat like a concert is taking place inside your ribs. You lean on the table with your elbows as you bring your hands to your head to massage your temples.

How could you ever imagine to find yourself in a similar situation?

You naively refused to believe that Ray was capable of hurting you in any way. He was too sweet and helpful with you at the beginning to think he was evil, your shared passion for arts was the core of your relationship and you also learned something new about the art of tattooing thanks to him. You were grateful for all the help he gave you in the shop. Ray is also objectively hot and the physical attraction and sexual chemistry were very strong between you.

Everything was pretty perfect.

Too much indeed, to the point that thinking about it now you wonder how you didn't notice how much the whole thing was stinking a mile away. You couldn't imagine that behind his perfect appearance and behavior, there was such an obsessed manipulator. You truly believed that he loved you like you loved him.

You sigh, rubbing your eyes with the heel of your hands. Whatever he has done now, you're sick to ask help from the cops, they did nothing useful when you needed them in the past.

"We can't handcuff a guy without clear evidence that he's acting in bad faith, he's a heartbroken young man trying to win his girlfriend back!" 

These were the words they said only two months ago, when you tried to report his constant messages and stalking episodes. Nobody did anything. They dwelt mostly on the threats he sent, on the fact that he said he was going to hurt himself if you didn't answer or consider getting back together with him and they also didn't think his repeated visits were something to worry about, since he used to do that when you were still together, in their opinion.

They even had the courage to tell you that you guys are young, that people are made to make mistakes and learn from them and all that bullshit people say when they need  to give air to their mouths. 

They made him seem like the victim here and you are so sick to deal with this bullshit, you'd rather lock yourself home and never get out than asking their useless help once again. 

You don't feel safe anyway, neither without nor with them.

You've resigned to the idea that you can't count on them and that you must do something yourself, but what can you do against a much taller and stronger guy?

You shiver at the thought but then your attention is drawn by a soft voice.

“Hey,” when you lift your head, your gaze softens as it meets your best friend's face. She promptly sits next to you without even taking off her motorcycle jacket and gloves and she pulls you into her arms.

"I swear if I see him around I'll gouge out his eyes and make earrings out of them." 

Hani states as she continues to soothe you in her embrace. A little smile creeps on your face, mostly because you know that she would be perfectly capable of doing what she just said. 

She is scary sometimes, but you love her nonetheless. 

You feel an extra hand caressing your shoulder "That's a creepy way to do some recycling but I approve" Taehyung adds in a lighter tone, when you move to look at him you notice he is looking down at you with a sad smile on his face.

Since Tae started dating Hani, he has become a dear friend to you, you love the natural way he takes care of her, and you appreciate the several times he came to your rescue, having a fight with Ray to defend you. He is a good friend. You smile at him but the smile doesn't reach your puffy reddened eyes. 

It's nice to know that your friends are always there for you, you feel so helpless though, so fragile right now. 

Tae orders the usual for the three of you and some snacks from a passing waiter, and then he joins you and Hani at the table, both of them ready to listen to you.

“Thank you guys for coming- I'm sorry I ruined your date.” you feel guilty and your voice is still trembling a little bit. 

“Don't even joke about it, Y/N.” Tae's tone is almost scolding as he fixes their motorcycle jackets next to him. 

“You know that Tae and I see each other almost every day," Hani says "You don't have to worry about that.” 

“It's just that I- I never felt so weak before” you admit as your eyes begin to shine again, unshed tears gathering on the rim of your lower eyelid, threatening to fall at any moment. 

“I tried to push him away when he kissed me.” the memory of his lips on yours makes you shudder, so much so that you can't believe that there was a time instead when you craved those lips all over your body. 

"I was barely able to push him off of me." Hani and Tae keep listening, anger readable on their faces as you recount what happened. You manage to speak on the verge of crying, your eyes glimmer but this time you find the strength to keep your tears at bay. You feel anger taking over your fear right now, that's probably why you refuse to cry over your disgusting ex and his demeanor yet again.

Hani interjects, stating that she'll do all the closing at the shop with you from now on, adding that she's starting to consider buying you some pepper spray, so you can empty it on his face if he shows up again.

The waiter returns with your orders and some water, telling you to call him back if you need anything else. He seems to have noticed your mood and doesn't want to interfere too much while remaining at your service anyway. You thank him with a warm smile before he goes back to doing his job elsewhere.

“Pepper spray is a good idea and you should buy it if it makes you feel a little safer," Tae begins "but I have another idea.” he adds before sipping his drink.

“I have a friend who races with me who also owns a gym, he even teaches kids how to throw good punches and stuff.”

You had almost completely forgotten that Tae participates in a regional motorcycle racing championship every year, Hani did nothing but talk about it at the beginning of their relationship. 

Hani nods vigorously after taking a sip of her own drink, agreeing with her boyfriend. 

"It wouldn't be a bad idea actually!" she says “Punching the shit out of that dick head would be even more satisfying!”

Tae fishes his wallet out of his jacket pocket and then rummages through its folds. When he finds what he was looking for, he places a business card on the table and pushes it towards you. 

"Jungkook took care of the gym full time before also dedicating himself to racing" he explains "Now there is a guy who helps him with the management, but he prefers to take care of the main courses himself"

You collect the business card while pondering what to do. Taking some boxing lessons might help you boost your confidence, your strength and it might be a good distraction as well.

"It's not that far from the shop" you recognize the name of the gym having passed in front of it a few times while you wanted to buy breakfast in a nearby coffee shop before your shift at work. You could use the opportunity to learn something new that you could also use to your advantage if needed.

You listen while Tae tries to explain what he knows about the gym, telling you that his friend Jungkook mainly handles the children's class in the early afternoon and the adult's class that starts at 7pm. That wouldn't be bad for you, since your closing time is around 6 pm, cleaning up and preparing the shop for the next day won't take much time.

“If you decide to try, tell him I sent you,” Tae continues “I can already tell you tho- Jungkook loves to joke, sometimes a little too much, but he's a good guy and knows how to be serious when necessary” 

You slightly nod, looking back at the piece of paper in your hands. 

You can try, and if you don't like it you can always leave. 

You can grab an uber or whatever to reach the place and to go back home. It should be fine if you book it a little earlier, so you don't have to wait alone outside.

"Okay," you suddenly say "I think I'll give it a try." 

Hani and Tae both smile, visibly content with your choice.

"Do you want me to walk you there?" Hani asks "It'll be a 30ish minute walk" You accept Hani's proposal without thinking too much.

"How about thursday?" you add "We can go together and then I'll get organized with uber and stuff"

Hani agrees, then she drifts her attention to Tae, who starts to discuss with her the time and place he will be coming to pick her up after she drops you at the gym.

The evening continues normally, you regain your tranquility bit by bit, even tho there is always a pinch of sadness and anger bothering you in the back of your mind. Sharing some quiet moments with your friends managed to cheer you up enough to genuinely laugh at the silly bickering between the two lovebirds. 

You can't help but wonder if you'll be able to get over this mess anytime soon.

When it's time to go home, Hani decides that she will be spending the night with you at the apartment you once shared for more than a year, before she started to crash often at Tae's.

Ray could always decide to make the situation worse by showing up at your door, you think. If he decides to do so, Hani could create those famous eyeballs-earrings much sooner, she said. The joke makes you all chuckle, you are happy to have them by your side, gosh- you truly are grateful.

Spending time with them definitely improved your mood and you feel like you can overcome this bad period of your life, with time and patience. 

You thank Tae who waited for your uber to arrive before putting on his helmet and get on his motorcycle.

You feel incredibly tired but hopeful, this new experience could really help you on multiple fronts.

September 14th, Thursday

When you wake up, you feel like you've slept for barely 2 hours, but it's been like this since the whole stalking shit started, so. You lack your usual enthusiasm, that unbridled desire to create works of art on other people's skin, it's slowly vanishing away and that worries you. 

You do your best to react though. The day goes by better than yesterday, your appointments at the shop flow smoothly one after the other and some potential customers have come to ask for some info on the costs of piercings, something Hani mainly manages. 

You keep your mood up to meet your customers' requests, to smile and make them feel comfortable.

You are finishing the last touches on the skin of your last client of the day when, looking up at the clock hanging on the wall, you realize that soon it will be time to close, you shudder a little even if you know that Hani will close the shop with you this time, it's been only two days after all, the events are still too fresh. You let the buzzing sound of the pen distract you as you fill the last bit of skin with ink.

In no time, the shop is empty and silent again, except for Hani who has the pleasant habit of humming as she tidies up her side of the shop. You finish cleaning your station while your mind wanders. You think that it was so natural and easier to enjoy the peace of this place before. 

This has always been a safe place for you, your very home. Of course, the concept of home is usually a place where you don't do your job, where you sleep, eat and rest. You pay the rent for the apartment, but this is still where you spend most of your time, this is that place that you know you will never leave, that you feel it's yours, that when you walk through the door makes you feel in your element.

It shouldn't be that difficult now, it's still the same shop, but the need to hide your appointments to avoid arguments with your ex in the past and the fear you began to feel as time passed, have tarnished what this place means to you. Your face drops in sadness at the thought. You want to go back to loving this place like you've always done at all costs and find some serenity again. Tattooing has always been your passion, something that sadly distanced you from your parents, who always wished you would pursue a different career. You won't let Ray ruin what you accomplished with sacrifices.

The shop shines when you're done, you pick up the bag previously prepared for the gym and you and Hani close the shop together. 

You hope these lessons can help you release some stress.

Hani walks by your side, talking about everything and nothing, sharing a little laugh when you tell her that you can't wait to punch a sandbag imagining Ray's face. 

The evening is pleasantly chilly and you're almost at the gym when you ask Hani if she wants you to wait with her for Tae to arrive.

“Don't worry I'll meet him at the corner,” she reply "besides, the class has already started, you should head inside."

You look at your phone, realizing it's way past 7:30pm already and you begin to feel a little anxious. Hani then tells you to call her or Tae if you need anything, even if they're going to spend the evening at the movies, she makes sure that you know you can always rely on them.

You nod, smiling "Thanks for being there Hani, I don't know how I'd have reacted to all of this alone" You truly don't know. Hani waves her hand "Don't even joke abaut it" she replies, mirroring your smile. 

"You even talk like Tae now!"

She rolls her eyes but she knows you are just teasing her.

“I want to know everything about your first lesson tomorrow!” she emphatically throws a few empty and totally random punches. You giggle at the scene shaking your head “Sure sure- I’ll show you what I learn.” 

“As long as you don't punch me, I'm fine with it.” You push her playfully and then you say goodbye as she walks away and you enter the gym.

It seems like a recently renovated place. You expected the usual smell of sweat and plastic typical of the gyms, but you are actually surprised to catch a fresh hint of flowers in the air. You notice a small reception near the entrance door, a well decorated counter with all sorts of flyers on top and red and blue led lights that illuminate the gym logo in the front, but there is no one behind the counter to welcome you. 

You take a few steps through an arch that leads to what is apparently the main area of the gym. 

The floor is mostly covered with a rubber tatami and you see some hanging plants and flower pots by the walls, which explains the very subtle smell in the air. Different tools and dumbbells are scattered around while several people are engaged in exercises of various kinds in front of some floor to ceiling mirrors.

You scan the place, pleased by the vibe it radiates. It surely is strange to find so many flowers and plants in a place like this, but it gives an original touch to it. Your gaze lands on a bunch of guys wearing boxing gloves while observing the explanation of an exercise. The one that's explaining, according to Tae's description, should be his friend Jungkook, who is standing in front of them while performing the exercise in question as an example.

Wow. Those are some wide shoulders right there. 

You watch him intently as the dark haired guy moves. Something about his movements is attractive and you guess it's just him when he turns around and you notice the lip ring that Tae had told you about and the right arm completely full of colorful tattoos that you are already dying to curiously inspect. Yup, he's hot.

You watch him from the entrance as he performs the exercise with ease, his muscles flex and you can glimpse at them while his clothes deliciously wrap around his body. Tae could have warned you, it's gonna be hard to concentrate with this guy.

Jungkook almost seems to sense your gaze on him when, once his explanation is over, he turns towards the entrance you are standing at and your eyes meet for a moment. You tense up cursing at yourself, gawking at a complete stranger at the gym is creepy, But then you notice he's smiling while he approaches you and the group of guys he left is now performing the exercise.

"Can I help you?" 

Of course, even his voice had to be hot. Fuck. You shift on your spot, clutching the bag you're carrying on your shoulder as you hope the warmth you're feeling on your face doesn't color your cheeks.

"You must be Jungkook," you reply, feeling a little awkward. Why even the sound of your own voice sounds stupid to you right now, damn.

"In the flesh." he responds confidently, pushing his hair back with his fingers.

Ok, now it's fucking clear as day that this guy knows very well that he is good looking and that he has an effect, which makes you think that he must be used to the women eating him up with their eyes.

"And you are?" he asks with curiosity laced in his voice. 

"Uh sorry, I'm Y/N" you compose your thoughts trying to ignore the increasing awkwardness you feel explaining that "Taehyung told me about your class and I would like to give it a try." 

"Kim Taehyung? Are you two friends?" He seems surprised as his eyebrows raise.

“Yeah, his girlfriend is my best friend.” 

Jungkook chuckles by himself, amused by something you ignore. 

"You're the tattoo artist, aren't you?" he asks, smiling as if he figured a puzzle or something like that.

“Did he say I was coming?”

“Not exactly,” Jungkook replies “but I met your best friend at Tae's a few times and I heard her say your name while speaking to Tae.” He seems pleased by the coincidence. 

The fact that he remembers this small thing doesn't surprise you that much, but you start to feel anxious wondering if he happened to hear something related to your situation with Ray, you'd rather avoid talking about it. It's already difficult to deal with it with your friends, but most of all, you don't need compassion.

Jungkook observes you momentarily, and almost as if he sensed the drift of your thoughts, he beckons you to follow him towards a freer area of the gym. You follow him till you reach a set of gloves neatly arranged in one corner. 

“Can I see your hands?” he asks casually.

"Sure." You leave the bag you're carrying on your shoulder on the ground, moving it to the side so it's not in the way, then you bring your hands forward with your palms facing up to let him observe them. Jungkook gently gathers your hands, and his touch is so delicate you barely feel it. He observes carefully, humming while he tries to figure out which pair of boxing gloves would fit you well.

It's not even a proper touch, it almost feels like the slight tickle that a feather would give and it's... pleasant. You're not completely indifferent as his fingers continue to brush the back of your hands, the sensation making you feel a little shy even though he is just looking at your hands and nothing more.

"Try these" His fingers leave you to take and offer you a particular pair of boxing gloves that he thinks might fit you. You inspect them briefly, wincing a little at the sweaty feel that envelops your hands as you put them on. 

You feel your hands swimming inside, indicating that they are too big for you. You look at Jungkook asking “Do you have a slightly smaller pair?” Jungkook seems to have already considered the possibility that these were too big. He is giggling as he hands you another pair of seemingly smaller and more colorful boxing gloves and you see him try to bite back the smile that's on his pink lips. You can't help but think that the way he scrunches up his nose is actually cute.

You switch up the gloves with the colorful one, immediately understanding why he was chuckling like that. “I know, it's a big problem for me,” you admit, chuckling at your own hands, “I can't find latex gloves that fit perfectly 'cause of this” He laughs with you, amused by the smile that formed on your face when you noticed that the gloves he gave you are for children, specifically a blue and red spiderman themed pair. 

"Using the words 'big problem" just made the whole thing funnier!"

"Well, I'll throw spider punches today." you joke.

Jungkook let's out a small laugh as he is looking at you with something in his eyes, you're probably the first grown up who needs kid's gloves and you catch him subtly checking you out.

This sense of lightness, simple yet helpful for your tired mind, is doing some good to you, you can feel it as you notice that you're exchanging genuine smiles and gazes since you started talking.

You follow him, avoiding to step on the tatami with your shoes as you approach the corner with different punch bags. He stands next to you in front of one of the standing punch bags available.

“Alright- so, there's no need to throw hard punches, for now just show me how you throw them.”

"But I don't know how!" you admit.

"Exactly, I want to see your natural movements, to understand what we'll have to work on'' Jungkook replies as he crosses his arms on his chest. The motion captures your eyes for a moment too long. That sleeve tattoo looks perfectly done and you barely refrained to take a closer look, the delicious way his tatted muscles are popping out of his white t-shirt is too distracting.

"Now show me how those little hands would hit the bag" his tone has slightly changed and he is smirking at you. He's teasing purposely and you think you saw him winking at you, or maybe you just imagined it. You roll your eyes as an attempt to save yourself from the embarrassment of being caught gawking at him like that. 

You ignore the persistent warmth on your cheeks and try to remember the movements you saw earlier, as he explained to those guys. They seemed to get into position before they did anything else, so you try to imitate the movements you remember as best as you can.

You bring your left arm across your chest as your right arm punches the punch bag in front of you with ease. Jungkook's face is fully concentrated, he hums as he nods a couple of times, his gaze lost as he ponders on the movements he just saw. 

“Okay, first of all- your left arm.” Jungkook moves, putting himself between you and the punch bag. 

"Get back in position again, the one before you throw the punch" 

You promptly do what he asked, repeating the previous movements once again. You stop when your arms are folded like before and you're ready to throw the punch. Jungkook's hands move as he says "Relax your shoulders." and then they gently rest on you.

This time his touch is not a simple featherlike brush, you feel the weight of his hands resting delicately on your skin and you stiffen at the contact. He said you should relax, but his hands on you caused the opposite reaction.

Ray and his hands come to your mind, the feeling of him holding you against the glass door is fogging your thoughts again, even though Jungkook's touch is soft and gentle on you.

You wince a little, taking a step back instinctively. Jungkook immediately withdraws his hands, sensing your discomfort. 

"S-sorry, I was trying to correct your posture, I didn't mean to-"

“No- it's fine" you interrupt him, suppressing the negative emotions that started to poison your guts.

You really want to focus and learn and until now, you had no idea your ex's behavior has affected you up to this point. 

Jungkook watches you dubiously, you can't decipher the expression adorning his beautiful face right now, he seems worried, thoughtful, maybe he's wondering what kind of an idiot would want to learn how to throw punches and then reacts like this at the slightest physical contact. 

The idea of having to give up because of this sensation, pisses you off. You gulp the lump on your throat while you close your eyes briefly, then you resume the position, being careful to relax your shoulders this time.

"Better?" you ask in a calm voice. Jungkook nods with a faint smile on his face. Even if he probably noticed there's something wrong, you're glad he's not asking questions. 

"What else wasn't right?" 

Jungkook notices your determination to continue and returns to your side again, opting for a demonstrative explanation this time.

He moves his body naturally and you observe him carefully. His movements are so precise and satisfying to watch and the desire to learn, to achieve more or less this naturalness, gives you the right push to continue. Most of all, now that you know that Ray left this horrible sensation on your skin, you're determined to get rid of it. 

Jungkook explains the importance of taking a correct position, to be able to hurt and not get hurt. A faint smile returns to your face at his way of explaining this kind of thing with passion and care. 

You imitate his movements by moving your left foot forward, your left arm at your chest like before but slightly higher, until your glove touches the side of your chin. When you feel that you have planted your foot well on the ground, with a slight movement of your shoulders, you accompany your right fist towards the bag, also rotating your pelvis slightly.

And just like that, you land a perfect punch on the punch bag.

Jungkook cheers softly so as not to disturb the others but his satisfaction is evident. You smile to see him so taken for so little, but you have to admit that you feel pumped, and yes- it was only one perfectly landed punch.

“That's a great start!” he adds enthusiastically. 

"So even small hands can throw some good punches huh!" You laugh softly and Jungkook joins you, genuinely amused.

"I'm sure those little punches will be able to do a lot of harm soon!" he declares "If you wanna join the gym, of course." 

This is what you needed to hear, it gives you courage, you can't wait to feel totally comfortable with your abilities, you're ready to commit to this and Jungkook saw it, when you eagerly said "Of course I want!"

That -little episode- long forgotten when you two started to talk comfortably that evening. Jungkook took some time to explain how and when he gives his lessons and to show you around the gym as well as the female's locker room, making sure you knew you could use everything you wanted once you felt comfortable enough to train alone.

From that day, you started going to the gym almost regularly. To be honest, as time passed, you couldn't wait to get back on that tatami to train after work, it soon became a healthy habit.

And, on the other side, you could see Jungkook.

You like having him around, you and him started bantering all the time almost instantly. You got used to his presence and his ways of teasing pretty fast and he's been a breath of fresh air for you. You've been attracted to him since day one, you're not gonna lie, but he soon became some kind of a friend. 

Yeah, that kind of friend you'd gladly rip their clothes off, but whatever.

The lethal mix of wide shoulders, buff body, lip ring, tatted arm and that sweet face of his when he smiles and scrunch up his cute nose… 

Yup, you're kinda crushing on him and training with him almost everyday it's quite challenging.

You two share a nice friendship, but it's clear that something else is hidden underneath. The constant glances and flirty jokes at the gym are proof of that and from time to time you also catch him pretending not to be looking at your butt. 

You are more at ease now and that's also thanks to him and his lessons.

Everything seems to be falling back to place, if not an even better one. 

Ray has been silent since that night outside the shop. No messages, no calls, no unexpected visits, no nothing. The fear to meet him again is still persistent and sometimes the horrible things he did to you still haunt your mind, but you're now able to manage to get rid of it in no time. You're more confident, you sleep better and you're learning a bunch of new stuff that keeps your mind busy.

You feel like you're able to breathe again, like you got your life back in your hands. 

Hani walked with you to the gym a few more times after the first time, but you soon started to book an uber to go and get back. It wasn't difficult to get into a rhythm: you book it through your phone a little earlier, so you don't have to wait outside and that's it, like this you're able to close the shop and get into the car immediately and when you have to go back home, you take a shower at the gym, say your goodbyes and head outside, where your uber is already waiting for you. Simple and effective.

Just to be extra sure, you leave your lessons a little earlier, like at 9pm instead of 10pm. Better safe than sorry.

Jungkook never asked the reason why you always leave early, not explicitly at least. Sometimes he's teased you by asking if you quit training early to fight crime with your cute hands, a recurring joke you always involuntarily smile at. Tae had warned you after all, Jungkook jokes a lot and in all this time spent at the gym, training with him, you had the opportunity to see for yourself.

There's something though that seems to creep behind his eyes every now and then and you can't quite put your finger on what. Sometimes he seems extremely thoughtful or even sad, even a few moments after he just cracked a joke. 

You never had the courage to ask, just like he never asked why you reacted like that the first time he touched you. You don't want to ask him what's bothering him and apparently he doesn't want to ask you either. Jungkook began to invade your thoughts just like that, with ease, and this hidden mystery behind his beautiful brown eyes keeps drawing you to him more and more.

| [Next Chapter] ▶

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 14 thoughts

(after having seen this episode, i can confidently announce that it is making the top 15!!! god it was just!! so incredible!!! the undying devotion to each other!! i want to frame the way he cups her cheeks!!! i'm crying! you're crying! everyone cried!!!!!!!!)

ah, this episode. i have seen this one mentioned before. i’m interested to see if it was for good reasons or for bad reasons. i can tell that it will be angsty and hurt my feelings, but whether that is written in a way i approve of or not is hard to predict after my intense fight with last episode! and how mean mulder was!

so. reading this description. he’s going to look for answers for her. oh my god. AGAIN. not a mere coworker thing. but i digress. i have a feeling i’ll need to forget that part about their whole power dynamic from the last episode in order to move forward. 

also a little confused as to what the title is going to mean... i know it refers to a reminder of mortality, but in my art history course we looked at a bunch of memento mori art where skeletons just. burst into rooms. and interrupted dances. and i don't really want to see that today.

entering my forgetting mode…. okay. okay. i think i’m here. memory is blank. i am neutral. let us begin.

OH MY GOD SCULLY OPENING MONOLOGUE. okay hold it together. HOLD IT TOGETHER.

wait she’s writing something. who is she writing to? damn, she is very poetic when she puts her mind to it.

“hope you will forgive me for not making the rest of the journey with you” wait. wait hold on. wait hold on….. wait. (insert that sobbing cat image here)

she thinks she is going to DIE?????????

is she writing a letter to go with her will or something?!?!?? wah…. WAHHHHH 

she holds an x ray of her brain (i think that’s what it is, sorry to the stem girlies if it’s some sort of other genre of scan) that clearly shows a tumor………..

:( :( :(

mulder has flowers!!! he is asking where to go in the hospital instead of just looking for the sign directly in front of him. this shows that he is very worried.

he sees her through a window and stares a bit…… before he comes in the room

“i, uh, i stole these from some guy with a broken leg down the hall. he won’t be able to catch me” <- you absolute liar saying ANYTHING to make her smile. oh my god and it WORKED and she’s smiling and he’s smiling and i’m gonna cry already 

look at how he’s looking at her…….. i cannot reconcile this with the last episode at all. i’m sorry, i cannot. and for this reason i once again toss it out of my mind.

HE’S THE ONLY ONE SHE’S CALLED!!?!!?!?? their relationship. it's just. so.

oh my god, she says she has cancer, and he immediately assumes it has to be treatable. she has to tell him it doesn’t seem to be. his unwavering faith...

“i refuse to believe that” <- oh my GOD. oh my GOD. his face his eyes oh my god. he cannot lose her.

“for all the times that i have said that to you, i am as certain about this as you have ever been” SCULLY NOOoOoOOoo

(it must be so horrific to be a doctor and know exactly how you’re dying and that there is nothing you can do…)

he looks so utterly lost and she is trying to hold it together to tell him that if it progresses, she will have no chance of survival. 

“i don’t accept that”, he says, stuttering in disbelief; “there must be some people who’ve received treatment for this. we can….” he fails to finish that thought

(his unwavering belief for even a second that they could find a way needs to be studied in a lab. this man is so intrinsically loyal to the 3 people he holds close it actually makes my heart hurt. i feel aching in my chest)

oh my god he is the DEFINITION of “everything i let go of is covered in claw marks”. he cannot BEAR to lose anything else. he is grasping so firmly to the idea that there HAS to be a way. and she is trying to be resigned to her fate. how strong she is, i think, as she puts on her bravest face, telling him she is going to die.

oh my god, she has to tell SKINNER???? what the fuck. i never even CONSIDERED that. he says he is so sorry while mulder is twisting around in the background because he cannot stay still in moments of stress; i’m recalling how he bounced his basketball up and down, up and down when she was in her coma

they’re going to try and track down the women from allentown they met last year who they talked to about the abductions and the neck implants before she begins any treatment. skinner is reminding them both that they have access to the best treatments in the country. but scully must know that the best isn't enough.

scully says she wants to pursue this through the justice department whilst mulder nods enthusiastically. skinner seems confused but he acquiesces. what else can you do?

so they go to allentown, where they are informed that betsy (the main woman that scully had spoken with regarding the abduction experience) just passed away. and the realtor doesn’t want to let them in before her garage sale, but mulder POINTEDLY pulls out his badge AGAIN, and you know his ass is going in whether she likes it or not. 

(the angry way he pulled out that badge did something to my heart)

scully is having terrible flashbacks from the last time she was here. poor girl...

the realtor is watching mulder pick up the phone and scully points out someone is sending a fax! realtor is just standing there. with hate in her heart.

they go down to the basement and find…. a computer. that someone is copying all of the files from remotely!! some guy named kurt is allegedly copying all that information down. off to kurt’s place. who are, you kurt? a force for evil, i assume?

he is not answering the door and mulder is going to to check the back instead of just wait there because again, he cannot sit still for a minute. and bam! they find kurt. woah. mulder takes him down QUICK. 

NO NO NO. she’s bleeding from her nose….. she says she’s fine. “quit staring at me, i’m fine” <- oh she is so not fine. those are not the words said by someone who is fine.

(after having seen this episode, i still can't stop thinking about this interaction. how angry she seemed to be seen as someone worth pitying or worrying over. how she must have known that would keep happening in the future, how she wanted to hold onto her agency for however long she had left in this world. there was fury in there to cover up the terrible insecurity that comes from fate being out of your hands and the perceived, if not intended, condescension of needing to be cared for. because she is the one that does the caring, and not the other way around. and how she tried so hard to keep working despite knowing the time was ticking, to tell mulder to stop worrying about her, keep his eyes on the mission and off of her... there's so much to be said)

more blood is dripping into the sink in the bathroom. mulder is knocking on the door, asking if she is okay.

(oh my gooood, i’m not sure which angle of angst is worse here: mulder watching scully suffer, blaming himself for if he cannot find a cure OR scully having to carry on through her sickness and see how terrible it is for people around her to grieve her while she’s still living)

this kurt fellow claims he was in the same UFO network, and was copying the files as betsy had told him to. he ran because he thinks the government is trying to suppress that information. hmm. mulder seems to believe him. but they can’t cross check him….

she asks why not, and mulder won’t answer. 

kurt says that all of the women scully met last year died from brain cancer, except for one who is in the hospital named penny, and it doesn’t look good for her.

kurt is insisting that this is in fact a conspiracy, but mulder says he needs to talk to scully. and he walks her out of his view.

oh my GOD i need to copy this whole exchange down hold on….

“i want you to listen to me” “about what?” “about what you won’t admit to yourself- what you’re denying” “what am i denying?” “where your cancer came from” “mulder, it doesn’t matter” “it does matter. if what you have is a result of your abduction and that abduction is something the government knows about, then those are facts that should be brought to light” “i don’t know what happened to me. i have no clear recollection. and i don’t think these abductions are even abductions”

(and when she said that line, she was so furious, thinking the distinction didn't matter in the face of impossible odds, but he insists that it does, because justice ought to be brought to light- and it's not him circling back to UFOs like he always does out of his own self-interest, it's him trying every so gently to break to her that this could be something much bigger than them, a way that she was wronged that ought to happen to no one else- but she still cannot even begin to process it)

“all these women are dead” “no, they are not. one woman isn’t- this penny northern”

(and the desperation in that line as well; there was anger there, a need to pull on any and all threads, so needed that it blew her cool cover about how detached she seemed to her own mortality- she wants to live)

“mm-hmm. if you won’t listen to me, then i think you should go talk to her”

(the gentleness here, how he is trying to softly nudge her, how carefully he keeps his voice even despite the audience KNOWING that he just wants to shake her, beg her to do anything at all that could help her)

“about what? what it feels like to be dying of cancer? what it’s like to know that there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it?”

(oh my god the FURY in her voice here… how she was trying to fight back her voice cracking)

“if that’s too hard for you, then i think you should go as an investigator. you have one remaining witness, agent scully. i’d think you’d want to know what her story is”

oh my god the subtle “agent” in there… the way he’s trying to remind her that she is capable and can maybe find a way out of this, just maybe. the way he kept his voice so even the entire time like he was putting every effort he had into it.

i think that conversation will haunt me forever. 

(god those two were ACTING. i just KNOW that when they got that script they were excited as fuck)

scully goes to visit penny, who remembers her, saying she held and comforted scully “in the place”

scully carefully tells her that she doesn’t remember this, but penny assures her that’s okay. penny thinks she’s here to ask about dr. scanlon, who is treating the cancer, and treated betsy’s too. my money is bet on the fact that he is actually making them worse….

apparently dr. scanlon thinks he figured it out what causes this kind of cancer. and scully has tears in her eyes. oh my god. is she believing the scanlon propaganda...?

mulder is going through a bunch of files with kurt, then he's on the phone with her. “now call me an early bird, but i think i found something” <- oh my god he’s such a nerd, even when he’s fighting for scully’s life….

he thinks this whole thing is connected to a local fertility clinic, but she doesn't want to hear his theories- she’s asking him to please bring the overnight bag from the car, and call her mom to ask for some things so she can be admitted for treatment.

his breathless “is there anything i should know?” and her answer: “mulder, whatever you found, or whatever you might find, i think that we both know that right now the truth is in me… and that’s where i need to pursue it. as soon possible” 

AND HE SAYS HE WILL BE RIGHT THERE 😭😭

see, this is what i love about them. how they can say so much with so few words, how they would do anything for each other; if one of them needed the moon, the other would start researching how to tear it from the sky. this bond that is so… it’s back to the old question, are soulmates natural or are they formed? with them, they just seem to have that connection. and even when their differences might lead them to fight, it is just a underlying current, that togetherness. and it seems so natural.

(but i just know that the minute he leaves the place, all the files he’s going through are going to somehow get destroyed! i have seen too much of this show to expect otherwise)

mulder slams the file cabinet shut before he leaves and kurt is looking around. what is he planning, this devious kurt fellow?

someone else drives forward as he pulls away. girl is it gonna be CSM?!?!

someone is approaching. okay, it is not CSM. whoever it is has the needle you use to kill the aliens!!! is it the alien bounty hunter? i cannot tell… these white men blend together and also he can shape shift so who tf knows.

but kurt is DOWN and he is BLEEDING THE FIZZY GREEN BLOOD!! kurt was an alien?!?!?! why didn’t he heal those women??! is he involved with making them sick???! i have questions. many many questions.

the fizzy stuff is like dissolving him. not sure we have time to unpack that.

scully is laying in the hospital bed…. dr. scanlon is watching. okay, creepy, but maybe doctors have to do that sometimes. 

she says she doesn’t feel sick, and i typed sock at first, which would be far more lighthearted, wouldn’t it, if she didn’t feel like a sock? 

i don’t trust this guy. 

he straight up says that the radiation and chemo is going to make her feel like she is dying. and at that moment, mrs. scully walks in. she is… very unsettled. and the doctor says they want to start treatment this afternoon. 

despite telling mulder she knows she is going to die, she is trying to reassure her mother that everything is fine. that’s very interesting to me. that she feels she can be honest with him about the lack of hope, but needs to lie to her mother.

mrs. mulder is furious that scully didn’t tell her right away, but she says she wanted to get the answers first. she’s shaking as she says she doesn’t want to be kept in the dark. damn. she really has suffered so much.

oh my GOD... she kisses her cheek and hugs her, saying that she has always been the strong one… but she is her only daughter now. and they hold each other. pain. pain. and suffering.

they’re putting her in some stuff for radiation as scully narrates the evil of cancer, how it becomes one with the person it targets. she says it’s science's answer to an exorcism.

WAIT SHE’S ADDRESSING MULDER?? she must be continuing her letter from earlier……

“and if the darkness should have swallowed me as you read this, you must never think there was the possibility of some secret intervention, something you might have done” STOP. the way she KNOWS he will always, always blame himself, and is trying to say something to stop him from doing so just this once.

he’s breaking into a place because he wants to find anything at all… hmm where is he doing some good old b&e today?

“and though we’ve traveled far together, this last distance must necessarily be traveled alone” no…. no :( no :( 

she knows that he will never stop searching for an answer… to the point where he won’t be able to lead his own life… and so she thinks she should go ahead alone… oh my god. oh my god. is she referring to the treatment process? or the inevitability of death?

he’s breaking into the fertility clinic that he mentioned before. gonna do some typing in the dark. but someone is here with him!!! who???

a guy in a sweater. “i’ve got a gun pointed at your head, turn around very slowly” mulder announces with PERFECT calm.

god i love him. have i mentioned that i love him? how he is willing to die and kill for the ones he loves? and how he is NOT just some bully or mean boss? yes. i’m bitter. 

IT’S KURT!! but we know it is NOT REALLY KURT. because we saw that kurt is dead. so it must be the alien bounty hunter in a new skin? WHAT DOES "KURT" WANT? 

“he” (whoever it is in the flesh suit that was once kurt’s) claims he is also trying to hack into the clinic's system, but can’t get the password right. i guess that he is going to hack and delete everything???

mulder picks up a snowglobe and guesses the password!!!!! yeahhh snowglobes.

woah. cutscene to something being drilled into scully’s head…. must be a flashback from the abduction.

penny is by scully’s side, telling her she’ll be okay as she wakes up from the nightmare. they grasp hands, scully says she feels sick, and that she had a dream where “someone was doing something bad to me”. apparently penny was allowed to tend to her during the procedures. but scully says she can’t hear this right now. 

penny says if she can make sense of it, it’ll help her through the pain, to understand why it is happening to her.

okay, cutscene to skinner’s office. where mulder is sitting before he even gets in there. “i need you to set up a meeting for me”. skinner says “hold all my calls” in that gruff voice of his. i like his serious voice. and i am tense, expecting a fight to go down, or tears to be shed, or something.

oh tea…. mulder found a file from the fertility clinic with scully’s name on it… but he says he’s sure, “pretty damn sure” that she’s never undergone treatment for infertility. this could be very awkward if he is wrong. he seems confident, though.... have they had further discussion about families like they did in home? but even if she WAS undergoing treatment, why would she do it in a random town in pennsylvania? so i guess that his confusion makes sense. 

so he wants a meeting with…. CIGARETTE MAN. “you’ve come to me like this before”, skinner points out, but mulder says he’s willing to DEAL NOW. he knows he’s behind all this. “you offer this man anything, and he will own you forever”, warns skinner. a real deal with the devil…

hold on. i just remembered that in canon CSM killed JFK and MLK jr and writes bad fiction. a wild fellow. and i’m also remembering how mulder broke into his house and asked “why her” with his gun pointing right to his head. i am remembering a lot of things.

mulder is yelling that CSM must have known what they did to agent scully. “but you can’t ask the truth of a man who trades in lies- i won’t let you” says skinner. oh damn…. oh damn. skinner just wants him to be safe but this isn’t going to go over well

they are staring at each other. and he insists that mulder find another way. damn, those two have been through a lot. all those times mulder should have been fired… skinner showing up covered in blood to track him down to some arctic alien base… that time mulder was experiencing psychosis and punched skinner in the face… skinner’s murder accusations… these two have such a fascinating dynamic. i love it. i really need to dive into that someday. i need fic of whatever the fuck it is that is going on between them.

so, what other way can mulder find? the lone gunmen, of course!!

they hack into her file from the clinic and see a gene code… it’s a DNA mutation.

“you guys ever been to the lombard research facility?” (everyone turns to frohike, who shakes his head) “well, pick out something black and sexy and prepare to do some funky poaching” <- LMAO i was surprised to get a genuine giggle during such a dark episode

(neeeeed to know how these dweebs met. all four of them. i know there’s a spin-off series so maybe someday i’ll learn the answers, but until then i’m concocting theories)

skinner is entering mulder’s office. but who is there…. NONE OTHER THAN CSM. “it’s funny,” he says, “i always thought of you as fox mulder’s patron” hey what does that mean. hey what does that mean. is skinner hiding something….?

ohhhh, skinner just accused him of being the devil. 

skinner says he needs a miracle… “what’ll it take?” he asks. OHHHH my god…. skinner loves those two so bad………. a deal with the devil for them….

CSM says that “he’ll have to get back to him on that” when it comes to what it will take for scully’s life…………. skinner what can you offer??????

lone gunmen are breaking into a storm drain. do you think the redhead and the long haired one with glasses are lovers? i think it might be more fun to imagine that they are. i never learned their names. perhaps i am a bad fan. 

mulder and the redhead set out!!! time to break into the facility!!!

okay i think the redhead is named byers? or else frohike’s making a reference i don’t understand. 50/50 odds on that.

they’re going in!!! they’re running!!! mulder has his leather jacket!!! byers (?) sees a keypad to enter a code.

(yes yes, his name is truly byers. we all learned something today. or at least i did)

OHHH, okay, the glasses one is langly. that name is familiar, actually. i appreciate how they are purposefully announcing the names for people like me. langly declares that this a toughie, and will take a moment to hack into. 

OMG!! the doctor treating scully’s cancer works at this research facility they're breaking into!!! I KNEW WE COULDN’T TRUST THAT MFER. i am innately suspicious of doctors. and langly gets them into the building. 

mulder tasks byers to GO TELL SCULLY TO STOP TREATMENT NOW because this scanlon fellow is a LIAR!!!!

(imagine how that went down...)

scully is writing to him again….. penny has taken downturn. “mulder, i feel you close, though i know you are now pursuing your own path” <-GIRL HE’S BREAKING AND ENTERING FOR YOU!!! THE PATHS YOU WALK ARE NOT SO FAR APART!!

“i need to know you’re out there if i am ever to see through this” oh my god….. he gives her hope to keep going…. something to fight for…

mulder is getting lost on the video feed while byers tries to make an escape…. but the cops are approaching!!!!!

he finds a door and slams on it… and who is inside but MULTIPLE KURT DUPES!!! the damn aliens!!!!!!

they welcome mulder in by name. he puts together that they are hybirds, and they beckon him in so they can explain in further detail.

there’s a creature in a tank i don’t much care for. okay. actually many many creatures in tanks. 

the kurts are saying they are trying to subvert the project that created “us”. OH! mulder sees into the tank and it’s the same shape of the boy he saw up in canada with his fake sister!!! so they are the end results… and they want the same thing he does??? i guess. 

he takes them to a room filled with “human ova”. including one from betsy. oh no… oh god… yes, they took it during her abduction, and from all the women they abducted, including scully. i don’t want to think about what “super ovulation” means. but mulder is shocked. imagine him having to explain to scully that he held her ova in his hands. and the procedure that leaves them barren (!!!) also gives them the cancer.

(frantically opens the wikipedia article for human ovaries before realizing i can figure out the details later)

this clearly has implications for their family planning chats. god, is he gonna be the one to tell her that she can't have children....?

but the kurts are trying to save them!!! because these women are their mothers!!!!

so, do we believe the kurts?? i'm not sure. if we know there are a bunch, does that mean the hacker kurt from earlier could actually be a good guy? or was he really the bounty hunter working on further nefarious actions?

bro straight up pocketed her ova. he’s a real one for that. do they have to be cold or something?? luckily, i have never had to ask these questions.

byers is currently dodging the cops, and the guy that killed OG kurt is now looking for some violence. 

NO…. mystery man is shooting at mulder!!!! the glass is bulletproof but it stopped being so after like 3 clips.

luckily the boys provide him an escape JUST IN TIME. shoutout to the lone gunmen fr.

he runs back to allentown and doesn’t find scully in her bed!!! but he finds her journal with the letters she had been writing to mulder. oh, he reads them....

where is scully?????? she’s with penny. penny is dying. she tells her that dr. scanlon isn’t coming back. and penny says that she’s been such a comfort, and to not give up hope. scully begins to cry.

mulder is sitting in a hospital chair at 5 am, falling asleep outside the room. finally, scully leaves penny’s room, crying. 

he confesses to reading some of what she wrote…. but she says he didn’t want her to read that. and that she has decided she’s not going to let this thing beat her. she looks so tired…. so sick…. 

was scalon killing these women in the name of the secret alien project? “that will be proven if we find him” “when we find him” OUGHHH 

she says she has things to finish, to prove to herself and her family. and he’s smiling at her. a real smile. telling her to come on back. 

ohhhh and they’re hugging. he’s tucking her head under his chin and rubbing her shoulder.

“the truth will save you, scully. i think it’ll save both of us” <-OHHHHHHHH MY GOD I AM GOING TO RIP AND TEAR AND YELL AND SCREAM AND HOLLER!!!

WAIT OH MY GOD I WAS SCREAMING BEFORE BUT THEN HE SO GENTLY TURNS HER AND KISSES HER FOREHEAD……. shut up. it’s so tender it’s so terribly tender. 

(a day later and i am still fixated on this. how terribly terribly gentle he is with her. it reminds me of how he held her face during beyond the sea, which, prior to this, was one of my favorite moments ever, and now i have TWO of them. he loves her so deeply in every sense of the word. and she loves him, deciding to keep fighting, to draw strength from him but also to honor herself, to achieve the things she has always meant to do, because she knows that she is worth fighting for)

finally they let go, and as she walks down the hall, he pulls out her ova from his pocket…. i’m so torn because my heart is still absolutely torn in half from how gentle that moment just was, but i’m also sitting here thinking… dude, do we need to get that into a freezer or something??

skinner answers the phone- at 5:30 AM! mulder says he was going to leave a voicemail and is shocked to hear him. mulder thanks him for his advice, and says it was wise to steer clear of CSM. they have to find out what he knows, but they need another way. skinner says there’s always another way, but as the camera moves, we see the room filled with smoke and a hand holding a cigarette…

he says “yes i believe there is, if you’re willing to pay the price” SKINNER BE CAREFUL I’M SCARED

do you think the writers purposefully associated cigarettes with the sleaziest and most awful character in order to get the children to stop smoking….?

end episode.

okay. i have so many thoughts. let’s start: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWAAAAAAAHHHHGGGGGGGGGGWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH

okay. that could have gone on for longer, but i’m going to compose myself. 

scully… my poor sweet scully, writing about her own death to mulder……… how helpless and resigned and furious she felt, yet still tried to be strong for her mother and for him…. how she decided to come back to work despite what she is going through…. the grief of mourning yourself and those around you mourning you… she looked so sick and exhausted, her terrible nightmares, being unable to accept what happened to her, holding penny close only to lose her too…. the incredible strength it takes her to decide to get back to work and keep fighting when everything hurts and the odds are so slim… god scully you really have suffered so terribly…. turning back from narrating her life in the past tense to the present tense…. it was very very very powerful

and mulder never for a single second ever stopping. how he completely refused to believe that anything was impossible. his smile when he brought the flowers to her in the hospital, the way his face fell when he realized what was going on, but refused to believe that anything could take her from him. the way he kept his voice even in the conversation in the hall. how he brought her the things from the car, how he barreled into her room when she wasn’t there, reading her journal in terror, how he smiled and held her, ran his fingers through her hair, gently kissed her forehead. how he took her ova, which sounds so crazy out of context, but in context it’s soul-crushing. he grabbed it for her. kept them in his pocket as she decided to keep fighting. a conversation for another day.

and skinner making deals with the devil, but only by himself, never even thinking to let mulder do it….

so where do we go from here?

if the treatment from dr. scanlon was making the patients worse, that immediate obstacle has now been removed. but that doesn’t fix the cancer itself. is skinner going to have to bargain with CSM? whatever CSM wants, it clearly isn’t money- so what could skinner even give him? my guess would be deactivating the x files in exchange for what will save scully, or maybe firing mulder entirely to keep him off of the trail of his nefarious alien deeds. or perhaps something even more evil, like access to one of those mars rocks with the oil aliens in them, or maybe someone important assassinated, maybe a coup in the syndicate (is that what their little UN alien groupchat is called? i saw it when i looked something up once).

man, skinner’s role in this was brief but substantial. what is he going to do? what sort of deal is he willing to make? i really really need to get into exploring the dynamic between the three of them more. it’s fascinating. how he won’t let mulder make the deal, but he’ll do it himself… he must really care for them a lot more than he lets on. 

oh my god. scully is gonna keep fighting…. <3

i really, really loved this episode. in fact, i’m positive that it will dethrone the blessing way and take that episode’s place in the top 15. this is an IMMENSE compliment. i still laughed a little despite the soul crushing sorrow, which i think is a sign of masterful writing.

i think this episode really really understood mulder and scully as characters. mulder with his need to chase to the ends of the earth to find the Truth, his need to put a smile on her face, his tenderness when it comes down to it, and scully with her bravery, attempting to keep herself strong for others while grappling with the metaphysical implications of dying, rejecting that conclusion after her own soul searching, and despite being busy with wrapping her head around this devastating news, she was still taking the time to bring comfort to penny. the complimentary needs to Protect and to Heal between them. it’s always going to get me.

you know that post i made about either jumping up and down or throwing my laptop in a river over their dynamic? THIS is jump up and down territory, baby.

i have a feeling that what comes next will not be easy, but i hope it brings great truth, and a delicate balance of love and angst. 

i’m curious to know what people think of how scully’s diagnosis is depicted. i’m sure we’re going to get more into it so i don’t want to jump the gun yet, but i’d be interested to know if her depiction gave a sense of visibility to people dealing with cancer, or if they think the episode/arc as a whole missed the mark. is it empowering to see someone make the conscious effort to keep fighting? is it offensive to think of cancer as something given to you by secret government plot? or was it such a relief to see someone going through the same thing as you no matter if it’s origins were more exotic than in life? where will they go from here in terms of how she handles it? 

i’d be really interested to read how people with cancer view her story. i’m sure someone out there has written on it; i’ll have to take a look someday when i’m not dodging spoilers.

the other thing i'm wondering about is the reaction to the alien breeding program reveal. it definitely speaks to the concerns over bodily autonomy and reproductive injustice that are increasingly relevant issues. i don't think it is supposed to make me feel comfortable, but it definitely succeeded at making me feel uncomfortable, if you catch my drift. something about those women being violated and losing all agency over themselves as a plot point rubs me the wrong way. and i think it is supposed to, but i'm not sure to what extent. idk, you just wouldn't see that happening to mulder's character, you know? it wouldn't be his bodily autonomy violated. it's as if we're so used to it happening to women in real life that it can easily become a plot point in science fiction, as if that just comes with the gendered baggage of being alive when you have ovaries-sometimes the aliens will harvest them. how does that speak on the way these writers see women as a whole? i'm unsure. but we have time to think it over.

my heart is a bit battered and bruised to see scully suffering so, but it is healing in knowing that they will have each other, and a renewed commitment to keep chasing the truth. and i am gonna go like idk claw at a pillow now to cope.

and then they all lived happily ever after. amen.

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

Can I Stay? (A Baekhyun Story) Part 1.

Pairing: You x Baekhyun

Rating: M

Word Count: 6.9k

Warnings: an unspecified age difference, this is an English story that uses the word Noona for lack of another word in English that carries the same feeling, if you don’t like this, then don’t read this story.

Author‘s note: remember all those years ago I said I’d write a Baekhyun x Noona fic? This is that fic.

Inspired by the Ray LaMontagne song Can I Stay

Links: Can I Stay: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Your new assistant was going to be a problem.

You clocked him as a problem before he walked through the doors of your office.

You spotted the danger a mile away the moment you saw the memo from the President of the company’s personal secretary advising you that a new member of your team would be starting today. A new member whose presence you’d never requested; who’s resume you’d never even seen, and whose last name was suspiciously identical to that company President’s whose Secretary was asking you — no, telling you to welcome your brand new, fresh out of college, probably fresh out of his dear mothers warm hugs and kisses embrace, with as much of a warm welcome as if you were welcoming the President himself.

Not only did you get thrust into your lap a most likely spoiled rotten nepotism baby, but now he was sitting across from your desk staring back at you with a bright beautiful smile of plenty of professionally straightened teeth and an even brighter happy go lucky personality that told you that this strapping young man had never known a day of struggle in his entire life — as short as that life had been so far.

An assistant should be younger than you anyway, right? You wouldn’t feel right bossing a homely old man around all day.

Did that young assistant have to be so very pretty though? Did he really have to be sitting there so damn moist and tender, looking at you with his head cocked to the side as if he had been jumping to as many conclusions about you as you had about him?

“I’m Byun Baekhyun. I like playing video games and working out. I can’t eat cucumber or spicy food. Please take care of me, Miss Manager Noona.” His words pulled his pink lips into a pout as he spoke and the sounds of his voice had just enough of a nasal whine that you wondered if he simply always got his way all of the time with everyone he knew.

You frowned and ticked your head back and forth at the name he called you. “Just Manager.” You corrected sternly and his wide smile dipped into a pronounced pout. The kind one might see on a little kid who’d just dropped his ice cream cone. You heard a nasal grunt of complaint come from the back of his throat and you hated how quickly that sound strummed a particular chord inside of your chest. You felt weirdly rebuked for the quick rebuttal and your lips dropped open almost against your will, “I mean, it’s just that…”

Just when you’d opened your mouth to speak he’d already moved on, “So what do I do here, Miss Manager…?” His words out loud stopped at the word Manager but you caught the movement of his lips as he silently mouthed the forbidden word ‘Noona.’ Clearly thinking he’d gotten away with something, his bright smile was back and as he asked his question he leaned forward with both of his elbows bent on the edge of your desk. His head peaked around to steal glimpses at the various pieces of work both open on your desk and brought up on your computer screen. You had been up to your ass in it before he walked in here and the thought of pausing all of this progress to train this guy was making your stress ulcer act up. You had deadlines to meet if you were going to get this script to the Assistant Directors in time for them to begin filming the next episode. The directors had deadlines, the locations were booked and paid for, the sponsor checks had long ago been cashed, and the reality show talent had a schedule that, contractually, could not be delayed. You simply did not have time for this inexperienced man to be asking you silly questions like “So what do I do here, Noona?”

You pulled a long breath into your lungs through your nose and closed your eyes for a moment, harnessing your self control. It wasn’t his fault you were overwhelmed with work. It wasn’t his fault he was born into a life of privilege and comfort. It wasn’t his fault that you didn't have time to train an entire new employee on the complicated job that sat before you. It was, maybe, perhaps his fault though, that the full head of bottle blonde hair you saw on top of his head had just enough highlights in it to bring out the pink in his cheeks and lips and make him look like something straight out of a boy band.

By the time you’d finished taking in your several calming deep breaths and you put your eyes back on him he was standing over your desk with his eyes peering over the document you had been working through for the past hour.

He was reading and mouthing the words, although from upside down you doubted he could tell what he was looking at, yet you watched curiously as he stuck a slim finger forward to touch the corner of one of the papers. You had been going over translations. Making sure the wording was correct, yes, but ultimately safe for widespread distribution. Your copy had red slashes through it with changes and suggestions. You were the final set of eyes that would approve this language that would be distributed proudly with your companies name all over the world.

“I think this one is no good,” he pointed to a single word on the document that had seemed innocuous enough for you to skip over it entirely. “That word,” his fingertip was stopped on a noun in the middle of the page, “means something very, very naughty in Brazil.”

Your eyes glanced down to where he pointed, surprised first for him to catch on to this task so quickly without you even having to explain it, and second to learn that sometimes a seashell is not just a seashell.

“That’s what you are doing with this, right?” He was grabbing the stack of papers from your desk now. “Give it, you have more important things to do, Miss Manager…” Again his lips continued the next two syllables in silence and you realized that this man was probably the most stubborn person you would ever meet in your entire life, and you were about to be permanently sealed into his mind as his Noona, whether you allowed it or not.

And it wasn’t that you approved of any of this anyway. But by the time your brain turned back on, the documents were already in his hands and he grabbed the red pen and started marking the page on top.

You had no choice but to allow it. The mere thought of someone taking away even a fraction of your workload felt like some sort of a dream come true. Plus, it really did seem like he had some idea of what he was doing. Part of you was genuinely curious as to how he would do.

You glanced over at him occasionally as he read through the pages making his notes and you soon found yourself immersed in the next task that was due soon.

Your focus was interrupted when a chipper sing-songy tune sounded out in his voice beside you, “I’m do-ne,” he called out and the script plopped down on your desk. His eyes were bright and his wide smile was back as his eyebrows wagged in the direction of the stack of papers he’d proudly presented you with.

You’d only made it through the first page when he started speaking again — this time without the singing.

“Did I do well? Do you like it? Can I stay?”

You were leafing through the pages, finding the spot where you left off and where he took over and you quickly read through the lines, taking care to read every suggestion he had made as well as the suggestions he had not made on the chance that in his inexperience he had missed something.

It looked pretty good. You didn’t tell him that though.

“Where did you say you came from again Mr…?”

“Baekhyun. I am Byun Baekhyun and I am yours now. You can use me however you like.” His wide smile had not so much as trembled since he’d brought the script back to you and the jovial attitude did not let up as he delivered to you one of the strangest, most ridiculous promises you’d ever received from anyone in your professional career.

You kept your face blank and ignored his eagerness. At least he was enthusiastic.

“Can you take this down to QC for final approval, Baekhyun…and do you have, like, a resume or something I can look at?”

He nodded with his eyes wide and he was digging through his bag for something. What he handed back to you was a tablet. The electronic kind that kept the little kids quiet at restaurants. His fingers tapped on the screen as he peered over your shoulder he brought up a picture in his photo gallery that seemed to be just a screen shot of his resume. He had to flip past various personal pictures as he did it and you did your best not to focus on any of it until he’d reached the one intended for you to see. There was nothing inappropriate from the looks of it. But it didn’t seem polite of you to snoop.

You did see some things though. Not that you were trying to see anything, but the picture right before the resume was one of him sitting in the driver’s seat of some fancy foreign car with a sweet smile on his face and a different color of hair that if you were being honest looked just as good, if not better than the blonde he had now.

“Sorry Noon—Uhh, Miss Manager, I don't have a printed copy on me but you can look at it there.” His hands were busy putting the paperwork carefully into a large white envelope so he could deliver it all to Quality Control and his head whipped back around with an afterthought for you, “You can just scroll to see the next page, okay?”

He was gone before you could answer him.

His resume showed promise. He’d graduated from an expensive Ivy League, of course, and had spent a few years abroad on various internships, no doubt landed with the ease of his family’s connections in the industry. You’d reached the end of the first page feeling somewhat hopeful that this time your new assistant would prove himself to be quite useful to you for however long he stayed in such a bottom level position. He would probably last no longer than a half a year before he rocketed to the top of the chain of command. The next page had various awards and honors achieved throughout his education and you glanced at the dates that he attended school, cursing your ability to do some quick mental math to guess his age.

He was young. A good amount of years younger than you, that was certain. Of course he was young, his skin still had traces of that smooth soft baby fat in his cheeks. Your finger scrolled back to the first page of his resume and with your fingertip still connected to the glass you allowed the picture to backtrack just a little, so the edges of the image of him smiling behind the steering wheel of that car showed just a little.

You had no business doing this. What were you thinking? You were just some delusional old lady thankful that she had an extra five minutes to her own thoughts thanks to her brand new assistant’s skills with a red pen. You quickly swiped away, back to the safety of the approved viewing material. Page one of Byun Baekhuun’s resume. You swiped again, a little too forceful for this tablet and page two quickly filled your screen. Perhaps the third swipe you made was out of spite but you gasped out loud when the next image in his picture gallery filled the screen of the tablet completely.

A wave of panic filled you and you quickly raced to undo what you had just done, what you had just seen.

You went back. It wasn’t enough.

You went back again, desperate for what you had just seen to be erased from your memory, but no matter how long you stared at the words on that screen, no matter how forcefully you exited out of the gallery entirely, closing the whole thing up and then finally giving up, locking the tablet and putting it to sleep, that image crept back up again and again and again.

Soon the desperation turned to bargaining. And bargaining turned to acceptance. It was normal really for a woman like you, a single, lonely, overworked woman like you to have this sort of reaction to accidentally seeing an attractive shirtless man standing poolside with the sun at his back and wetness glistening over his skin and broad chest and abs and other various well defined, firm, manly muscles.

Anger followed next. You were pretty sure you were going in the wrong order here, but how dare he put that picture in his tablet and just tell you to scroll. It was so easy for him to say it too as if he wanted you to find the picture and admire the time and work he put into building all of those muscles in his body. What if you had been caught in a trap. What if this was some sort of a test by HR to see if you needed to be sent to sensitivity training for sexual predators. What if there was a tracking device on that picture and there was now a blaring nipple warning happening in some control room upstairs.

A soft and pleasant ding interrupted your thoughts and you had a message waiting from Dami in the QC department. Baekhyun must have delivered the package by now. A quick glance at the clock on your computer told you that he had been gone for some time now and you half wondered if perhaps he had gotten lost on his way back.

“Oh my god. WHO. WAS. THAT?!!!??”

“I take it you got the revisions — please be quick, I’ve had 1st AD breathing down my neck all morning.”

“Gotcha. You made some interesting choices with this but I'm into it. What was wrong with those seashells?”

“Vulgar slang, censored in the Brazil market.”

“Ohh-la-la, great catch! This is why you’re the best.”

Her latest message stared back at you as your fingers refused to type a response. The last thing you wanted was to accept someone else’s work as your own, but you also really want to spend too much time on this distracting conversation that was keeping you and her both from your work. A simple emoji would do the trick. A smiley face, or a rolled eyes emoji maybe. Something that didn't exactly make claims to the potential slip up that Baekhyun caught on his first upside down glance at the script that you somehow missed even after looking over it twenty times.

Maybe you needed to brush up on your international slang terms for various sexual acts and their involved genitalia.

“My new assistant, Baekhyun, caught that one.” The long pause between her misdirected compliment and your delayed confession made you feel just a little bit guilty for any potential misunderstandings you might have opened yourself up to.

“Even his name is pretty.”

[She should see his muscles] an uninvited guest in the back of your brain whispered and you winced when it happened.

As soon as the thought crossed your mind you felt the shame of its aftermath course through you. That was the last thing you needed to be thinking about.

You didn't have much time to dwell on it because there was a sudden commotion outside of your office door. You heard the sound of someone’s shrill shouting, overdramatic screaming really and the telltale sounds of someone being thoroughly scolded. At the exact same time an alarm was sounding out on your phone telling you it was time to make it to your biweekly meeting with the directors and assistant directors upstairs. You quickly grabbed your laptop and calendar and made your way out of your door to see what in the world all of the fuss was about.

The carpet outside was littered with assorted papers and standing in the middle of the mess with his head hung down in shame was your assistant, looking sheepish and guilty. The source of the shrieking, as usual, was Carla, one of the less organized members of the translating team. You could see the now empty document tray sitting just at the edge of her desk and you imagined that she had set the whole thing precariously close to the edge again just tempting fate.

“What am I supposed to do with this now? This was my whole day’s work and you’ve made a huge mess of it all! Who even are you? Are you supposed to be in here?”

Baekhyun’s head dipped lower and his cheeks were bright pink as he was scolded again and again for bumping into her teetering tower and sending it crashing down to the ground, as you had seen happen around her desk at least once a week.

“Sorry, but I hardly even touched…” He was opening his mouth now, and as he began to protest what he thought was an unfair scolding you saw her lift up a rolled piece of paper and bonk him squarely on the top of his head with it.

You knew it was time to intervene and you cleared your throat noisily to make your presence known.

Carla’s hand with the rolled up paper dropped in an instant and her eyes widened as she looked at you in surprise.

“M…Manager, He…”

Baekhyun’s face whipped to look to you and you noted the apprehension in his eyes and the way he pulled his lips into the smallest pouty frown.

“Carla, why don't you and Emily work together on this? I know you’ve been working very hard all alone this week. Emily, let’s push back your workload to next week, hmm?” You pivoted to address the rest of your team as to not call attention to Carla alone.

“Everyone, let’s not stack everything on the edge of our desks. Let’s try and keep a clean workspace for everyone so accidents like this don't happen so often.”

You did your best to keep any bit of reproach out of your voice and it must have worked just enough to satisfy the easily excited girl because she closed up her mouth and flattened out her angry eyebrows with a small shrug.

You weren't above cleaning up a little mess here and there. As soon as you were done talking you dropped down to your knees and started gathering the papers up into a stack, the moment you moved, the rest of the team all dropped to their knees to do the same. Baekhyun was the first at your side, reaching for papers and pulling them out of your hands as you made neat stacks and he placed them carefully on the opposite side of Carla’s desk next to the partition, safe from literally anyone who might want to walk through this office.

“Baekhyun, I have a meeting upstairs, why don't you tag along so you can see what that’s like?”

“Yes ma’am,” he whispered beside you with a smile building on his face again and he moved quickly, keeping directly behind your steps as you moved down the hallway to the elevators.

“Noona, I’m so sorry about that earlier — I didn’t mean to cause trouble. I don't even know how it happened. All of a sudden she was just yelling at me. ”

“Manager, Baekhyun,” you corrected quickly as you stepped into the elevator first and he followed behind with a sheepish smile creeping up on his face. “And you didn't cause any trouble. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“You were so cool though. You felt like a hostage negotiator, freeing me from my kidnapper. What did you think of my resume? Am I a man that meets your high standards?” His questions came in rapid succession one after another and you held your composure well at the mention of that damned resume of his.

That resume and those muscles.

“You’re smart and you seem capable enough,” and young and firm and handsome as all hell, “I’m sure you’ll do fine while you are here.”

You gripped your calendar in your fist and tapped it lightly against his belly. He grunted once and grabbed it with his free hands. “Pay attention to that. You’ll need to follow my schedule.”

He smiled and shone brightly in response with an energetic head nod and he spent most of the upstairs meeting leafing through your calendar, making small marks on certain dates and pulling out his cell phone to no doubt copy certain entries into his own phone calendar.

Baekhyun’s first day was eventful but he was very promising. The next days and weeks to come were interesting in a way you hesitated to define.

He proved himself valuable to you instantly. He was indeed smart and capable and had a sense about him that you hadn’t seen before in a coworker. Having him at your side not only made your own job infinitely easier, but you noticed your mood had lightened when he was around.

He was cheerful and funny and although you tried your absolute best not to encourage his jokes or god forbid, laugh at them, the first time you slipped and let a quick chuckle out over something stupid he’d said he looked at you with wide eyes and the proudest grin on his face. You had to instantly roll your eyes for damage control.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever made you laugh. Noona, admit it, you like me just a little bit.”

You’d given up on trying to break him of that nickname after the first week of him just ignoring your attempts. The first time you’d answered to it, you knew it was over. You’d screwed up.

And you just did it again with the laugh. He was holding something very important just out of your reach as he sometimes did when his mood grew playful and you had been doing your best not to kick him in the shins so he would drop the stupid thing that you just needed your final signature of approval so you could move on to the next thing that needed your immediate attention.

“I never said I didn’t like you, Baekhyun, this is work. We are working right now. If I miss this deadline that’s it for me and for you and for the entire department out there.”

“So when the project wraps you’ll have a drink with me and then you’ll laugh at all of my jokes? You promise?” He dropped the papers just enough for you to be able to touch the corner of them and you gripped them tightly, pulling them hard into your hands with a force that instantly made him let go. He knew the penalties of destroying something at the last minute and no amount of playfulness would make him risk having to run around re-gathering important person’s signatures with just one hour until shooting began.

It was what you needed and you signed quickly with a pen, passing them back into his arms with an urgency on your voice.

“Fine. Go. Now.” He was out the door without a second word. Of course he was playing about drinks with you. Of course he was playing with you about liking him just a little bit. This was just what he did and he didn't mean any of it at all. This guy was so far out of your league he had his own fan club.

He was very highly sought after by all of the young ladies in this office alone, and you had heard rumors of his popularity in the rest of the building.

Why wouldn't he be joking with you? It made no sense for you to take any of it seriously and you knew it deep down inside of you.

You made for a quick fluff in the mirror on your wall and a touch up of your makeup along with slipping on a classy professional jacket and the heels you kept in your office for situations that required you to look just a little more presentable than usual. You had another meeting to attend for an upcoming project. Something new and different that required you to meet with a whole new team of very important people to sell yourself and your team and their highly sought after skill set. You pressed the elevator button and caught a glimpse of your reflection in the shining silver elevator doors and just behind you saw the familiar bounce of his blonde hair as he rushed to your side to join you at this meeting. He was huffing and puffing from clearly running through the office to get back to you. You noticed the flush in his cheeks and what looked like dust on his jacket. His hair was just a little messy too. You always did your best not to look too closely at Baekhyun. The few times you did allow it your mind would wander into forbidden places and you noticed that it never took very long for him to catch you watching him.

He didn’t need to attend this one. It was more of a schmoozing event than any sort of technical planning meeting but the sight of his bright smile brought you a strange comfort so you didn’t send him away. Inside the elevator you noticed he was watching your face rather closely and when you turned to him in question he lifted a finger up to his lips and pointed.

“Your lipstick has a little smudge.”

Great. Just what you needed. You tried to look your best and just ended up a mess again. You reached up and rubbed lightly below your bottom lip and he shook his head and took a step closer to you and lifted his own hand to your face.

You froze and held your breath and you stared into his face in shock as the tip of his finger ran a path down the edge of your upper lip. He cocked his head to the side and his eyes slipped into your own for a split second and you were sure that you noticed his cheeks darken a shade. Had your own cheeks given you away so easily as well?

Baekhyun cleared his throat but he wasn’t done and he was no longer looking into your eyes as he did this. He made another, firmer pass of his index finger over the edge of your upper lip and you instinctively pulled your lips inward and squeezed them together, pretending as if you needed to spread your lipstick more instead of just getting away from his fingertips that touched you in this quiet and private place.

As you did it, he moved again. His hand lifted to run his fingertips along your temple, where you must have had an errant strand of hair that he slowly and carefully tucked behind your ear. You kept your breathing calm and steady and you kept your face impassive, but the racket inside of your own chest as your heart beat took on a life of its own was distracting and terribly concerning. You were a mess deep down inside. You were just so good at hiding it from him.

“There,” he whispered. “Beautiful,” he said even quieter, almost entirely under his breath just as the sound of elevator dinging made you jump with the sudden intrusion.

You were the first one out. You didn’t hear his footsteps behind you as you usually did and when you risked a quick glimpse behind you, you noticed he hadn’t yet left the elevator and his focus seemed distracted and lost.

“Baek,” you called and his eyes snapped back to life before the elevator doors closed on him. He shook his head lightly and took three big steps to take his place at your side. His smile was nowhere to be found and his eyes didn't quite meet yours and something about him made the air in this blasted hallway feel awkward and claggy and downright difficult to breathe in.

“Oh, I feel—,” you let out a breath through your pursed lips and whispered out loud to yourself as you placed a hand over your chest to calm your beating heart, “—-nervous,” you admitted in defeat, pausing outside of the heavy wooden doors.

“Because of the meeting?” A quiet question eked out in a familiar voice behind you and you refused to meet his eyes.

“Of course, why else?” You answered flatly and quickly but his reply did not come as quick. What came instead was a sharp inhale of breath pulled into the lungs of the man who stood behind you at this door.

“Right,” he said softly with a small exhale through his nose. “Why else.” He agreed out loud. You must have imagined just a hint of disappointment in that exhale. Of course you’d imagined it. It probably originated inside of your own head, really. Everyone knew you had no business feeling any sort of way about your assistant Byun Baekhyun. Whether it be disappointment; or heart flutterings; or attraction; or desire; all of it was off limits.

“Baekhyun, this is a very important meeting.” You inhaled slowly and deeply and stole a glance to your left where Baekhyun stood and you noticed he had what looked like an entire leaf stuck to the top of his head.

What?

The more you looked at him the messier he actually seemed and you knew that behind that door would be a multitude of very important, very rich people who held your future in their hands. People who very likely did not have dirt on their coats and leaves in their hair.

This would not do. There was an empty hallway near the stairwell at the end of the corridor. You’d often used that quiet space to regroup before these kinds of meetings. You knew there was a bench and a clock on the wall that did not tick as it’s big hands spun around its face. You reached for his arm and pulled him

“Why are you so messy? What happened to you?” You pulled him fast and he complied with rushed steps to the sanctuary of that quiet space and when you pushed at his shoulders, sending him down to sit in front of you on the bench, he did so with a soft grunt of surprise and zero resistance. Baekhyun never ever resisted anything from you. You’d overheard him downright arguing with some of the other staff members before but he took being your assistant quite seriously and treated even small requests from you as if they had been laws set in stone to follow.

He was just a little bit ridiculous but mostly he was just the best.

“Before, when I was getting signatures, the paper flew away in the wind and I had to chase it down. There was a bush…” You brushed at his coat with your fingertips, patting harder to get some of the dirt to fall off and you had to step closer to him to get at the leaves in his hair. There were two and they were small and dried and they crumbled into a million bits when you grabbed them, making you have to pull apart the strands of his blonde hair carefully to remove every last bit of them.

“…it flew under the bush in the courtyard and I had t-to…”

You knew you were leaning into him and he seemed to abruptly stop his explanations when you took another step placing your feet in the spaces around where his feet parted, you felt the roundness of his kneecap brush against the inside of your inner knee and he had gone completely still and his words quit entirely. The part of your brain where you kept your most incriminating secrets about him sounded alarms and warning bells. You ignored the cacophony in favor of this necessary task at hand.

It took some doing but you’d gotten all of the mess out of his hair. There was a small pile of broken and dried leaves sitting in the palm of your hand and you noticed some more dirt on the breast of his dark blue coat. It was a dark enough colored coat that the dirt would definitely show so you reached down with your empty hand, laying your palm over the spot, you tried to brush the dirt away. It didn’t budge as easily as you wished it would and a second pass with your hand, with more pressure seemed to work better.

It was almost done. He was nearly perfect again but when your hand returned for one more pass your mind’s alarms rang as you caught on to the firmness and the warmth you felt below his coat. the feeling of him inside of these clothes.

Your stupid intrusive thoughts that you did your best to keep at bay surged up again.

Baekhyun was silent and motionless. Baekhyun had done nothing to encourage this. Everything he had ever told you that might have sounded flirtatious was said in jest. He was joking. He was always joking with you, that was just his way. But he sure did joke a lot with you. You often found yourself confused and frustrated by him.

The dust was gone. He could go now. You could let him go. He was ready to face them.

“There,” you said in a soft whisper, beautiful you thought in secret. Your whisper felt an appropriate tone of voice for such a quiet and secluded hideaway such as this and you mustered up the nerve to remove your hand from his chest so you could throw this trash away and attend your damn meeting.

You rocked back on your feet, shifting your balance away from where he sat on this bench, introducing some distance between the two of you. Then you moved your hand away from his chest for a fraction of a second you no longer felt the warmth and the firmness of his body below your palm and you began to pivot on your heels, you began to turn away from him and extract yourself entirely from this fantastical and impossible situation you had been entertaining inside of your own silly imagination. Only when you shifted so did he and rather than the warmth of his chest under the palm of your hand you felt the slow moving heat of his hand covering over the back of your own hand.

The sensation caught you off guard and you froze mid step, looking down to see it happening. You felt the smoothness of his fingertips tracing an achingly dizzying path up your wrist and higher until your entire hand had been covered completely by his.

You took another step away from him. This was strange. This was some sort of trick of your imagination again.

Your eyes sought out his eyes for answers only the look you saw in his expression did not give you any insight at all. He was watching you with a sort of detachment from this, from you; similar to the same look you’d seen from him in the elevator earlier. Similar to the look you’d seen from him many times over the course of the last few months of working closely with him.

You needed more answers than his face could give and when you took another step the grip he had on your hand tensed and he held on tighter and suddenly he was in motion as his thigh muscles tensed up and he stood on own two feet.

Your mind was consumed by confusion and uncertainty when his movements did not stop.

Baekhyun took a step into you, undoing the distance you had carefully and desperately put between your body and his body and out of the corner of your eye you caught movement in his other hand.

The fragments of seconds of time were insufficient to process any of this. If he was playing some sort of a trick, he was taking it too far for sure. Your heart was entirely too weak to take this kind of behavior from him.

Baekhyun’s hand lifted — he sought to touch the side of your face and at the same time, the distance between the two of you shrunk in an instant as he moved in. You watched on in surprise and in shock until every detail of Byun Baekhyun’s face blurred and you felt the warm wetness of his lips that landed over your own surprised ones.

He kissed you.

He had kissed you.

In this space, this quiet space that was once only yours, he had kissed you and you were frozen in this moment without even the ability to comprehend how this man could have done this, or why he had done this, or what, if anything at all was the punchline of this particular joke of his.

He had kissed you and he was still kissing you and your frozen reaction must have been what brought him to his senses.

He opened his eyes and his lips retreated just enough for him to pull back and look into your face. You made a sound. It was the smallest questioning hum from the back of your throat and you shook your head a microscopic amount to try and clear the static happening inside your brain.

“Uhh,” you finally managed and he had dropped his hold on your hand and closed his eyes up tight.

He looked to his left and then he looked to his right. Both spaces were empty. You were standing in front of him but he did not look at you.

His eyes closed up again and you saw him pull his lips in between his teeth and he bit down and exhaled a huff through his nose before pulling his expression into the smallest wince.

“Shit,” he whispered. He looked behind himself. He looked up at the ceiling and he looked down at the floor. He wasn’t actually looking anywhere but you knew for absolute certainty that he was not looking at you.

You swallowed away the dryness inside of your mouth at the sound of that tiny curse word and the unimaginably tiny sting you felt inside of your chest when you heard him say it.

This was okay.

This was fine.

It was just a mistake; a joke taken too far. He was silly by nature and you did not need to read anything into this little blunder of his. You definitely didn't want to make him feel bad about having made this mistake. Maybe this suffocating ache inside of your chest was the punchline. You could feel its tendrils creeping up inside.

Ha! Ha! Stupid old lady.

No. No, This was okay.

This was fine.

The clock on the wall called to you and you watched the minute hand join up with the hour hand as the two became one and it was 12 noon. It was time for both of you to be inside that meeting room instead of out here playing jokes on each other and instantly regretting it.

His gaze followed yours, touching upon that clock and understanding the task at hand and you stood straighter, fixed your skirt and jacket, made sure your button up blouse was still closed up tight, and you made a few steps toward the trash can to throw away the dried leaves from his hair and from what felt like ages ago and you heard his footsteps follow you down the hallway to enter the meeting room.

You did not hold the door open behind you and you did not listen carefully for the comforting sound of his footsteps behind you. When you opened the door to walk inside you did not do so with any regard for anyone else in the world — especially not for someone like Byun Baekhyun, who’s father’s name adorned the outside of this enormous building and even your paychecks. Especially not for Byun Baekhyun who had exactly three weeks left of his detail in the International Subbing Department before he moved on to QC or AD or wherever the hell he wanted to go when he left you.

[To Be Continued]

Links: Can I Stay? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #5 – The Tusks of Extinction by Ray Nayler

I read Nayler’s The Mountain in the Sea last year and, despite thinking it was ultimately kind of a noble failure, liked it more than enough to give his new novella a try. It didn’t hurt that the premise as described in the marketing copy sounded incredible. I can’t quite say it was worth it, but that’s really only because this novella barely cost less than the 500-page doorstopper I picked up at the same time and I need to consider economies here – it absolutely lived up to the promise of its premise.

The book is set a century and change into the future, when a de-extinction initiative has gotten funding from the Russian government to resurrect the Siberian mammoth – or, at least, splice together a chimera that’s close-enough and birth it from african elephant surrogate mothers – to begin the process of restoring the prehistoric taiga as a carbon sink. The problem: there’s no one on earth left who knows how wild mammoth are supposed to, like, live- the only surviving elephants have been living in captivity for generations. Plop the ressurectees in the wilderness and they’ll just be very confused and anxious until they starve. The solution: the technology to capture a perfect image of a human mind is quite old, and due to winning some prestigious international award our protagonist – an obsessive partisan of elephant conservation – was basically forced to have her mind copied and put in storage a few months before she was killed by poachers.

So the solution of who will raise and socialize these newly created mammoths is ‘the 100-year-old ghost of an elephant expert, after having her consciousness reincarnated in a mammoth’s body to lead the first herd as the most mature matriarch’. It works better than you’d expect, really, but as it turns out she has some rather strong opinions about poachers, and isn’t necessarily very understanding when the solution found to keep the project funded involves letting some oligarch spend a small country’s GDP on the chance to shoot a bull and take some trophies.

So this is a novella, and a fairly short one – it’s densely packed with ideas but the length and the constraints of narrative mean that they’re more evoked or presented than carefully considered. This mostly jumps out at me with how the book approaches wildlife conservation – a theme that was also one of the overriding concerns of Mountain where it was considered at much greater length. I actually think the shorter length might have done Nayler a service here, if only because it let him focus things on one specific episode and finish things with a more equivocal and ambiguous ending than the saccharine deux ex machina he felt compelled to resort to in Mountain.

The protection of wildlife is pretty clearly something he’s deeply invested in – even if he didn’t outright say so in the acknowledgements, it just about sings out from the pages of both books. Specifically, he’s pretty despairing about it – both books to a great extent turn around how you convince the world at large to allow these animals to live undisturbed when all the economic incentives point the other way, a question he seems quite acutely aware he lacks a good answer to.

Like everyone else whose parents had Jurassic Park on VHS growing up, I’ve always found the science of de-extinction intensely fascinating – especially as it becomes more and more plausible every day. This book wouldn’t have drawn my eye to nearly the degree it did if I don’t remember the exact feature article I’d bet real money inspired it about a group of scientists trying to do, well, exactly the same thing as the de-extinctionists do in the book (digital resurrection aside). The book actually examines the project with an eye to practicalities and logistics – and moreover, portrays it as at base a fundamentally heroic, noble undertaking as opposed to yet another morality tale about scientific hubris. So even disregarding everything else it had pretty much already won me over just with that.

The book’s portrayal of the future and technology more generally is broader and less carefully considered, but it still rang truer than the vast majority of sci fi does – which is, I suppose, another way of saying that it’s a weathered and weather-beaten world with new and better toys, but one still very fundamentally recognizable as our own, without any great revolutions or apocalyptic ruptures in the interim. Mosquito's got CRISPR’d into nonexistence and elephants were poached into extinction outside of captivity, children play with cybernetically controlled drones and the president of the Russian Federation may or may not be a digital ghost incarnated into a series of purpose-grown clones, but for all that it’s still the same shitty old earth. It’s rather charming, really.

[fayesoneil]

my chenford thoughts and hopes 🤍 (post 6x06)

I had to mute this app (X) because the more I came on here to see people saying that Chenford would never get back together, the more frustrated I became. Everyone’s opinions are justifiable, but I think it’s become a little too crazy, especially after we’ve been told that they will be okay in the end.

Lucy

One of my biggest moments of love with Lucy throughout this episode, and the last episode — was that she stood her ground

Lucy didn’t allow Tim to walk back into her life after he’d left her in the dark and I love that. I also really love that her breaking point was the safety of Tamara. Not herself, not Tim hiding — it was Tamara’s safety being put at risk when Ray showed up and was in her apartment

I also really loved how Lucy wanted so hard to fight to keep Tim. She didn’t want him to walk away — she asked him WHY — told him no

But I also hope that this will be the point where Lucy realizes how messed up everything has been for her lately. She was mocked, she didn’t make detective, her boyfriend ran from her — and now her boyfriend was walking away from her

I just really hope that we can see Lucy’s raw emotion with this and have her work through the things she’s been suppressing in trying to be there for Tim and do her job

Tim

A lot of the time during these two episodes I was very conflicted with Tim and how he acted. I completely understand why he didn’t want to tell Lucy, but in him trying to protect her — he also hurt her and put her in danger

When he walked away from Lucy at the end of 6x06, I was angered, and I still am but at the same time — I completely understand why he’s pulling away from their relationship

I can’t imagine watching him trying to work through those things and continue to hide from Lucy while in the relationship — because then the relationship would fall apart so badly that there would be fixing

Chenford

They will bounce back from this because they love each other too much to actually let go

There will definitely some awkward tension between them in the beginning but eventually they will be forced to speak with each other

I also hope that this shows the family that they have rallying around each other. I want to see them having companions and people fighting for them to be together and grow/move past this hard place in their relationship

CHENFORD WILL BE FINE

[visualtaehyun]

Pronouns, curses, and cake crimes 🍰

Finally here with the in-depth version of my rambles plain reactions from the other day. Title brought to you by @jeffsatyr cause I love that turn of phrase in his post here so much!

Disclaimer: not a native Thai speaker, still learning 🙏 color-coding characters again: Mut, Rak, Prin, Meena

Rak's lovely relatives

คุณเพิ่งด่าไอ��เด็กเหี้ยนั่นว่า เอาเวลาว่างไปหาอะไรใส่หัว ดีกว่าเสือกเรื่องของคนอื่น ผมไม่อยากเป็นคนเหี้ยครับ /khun pheerng daa ai dek hiia nan waa ao wehlaa waang bpai haa a rai sai hua dee gwaa seuuak reuuang khaawng khohn euun. pom mai yaak bpen khohn hiia khrap/ = You just told off that nasty brat, that [she should] use her free time to find and put something in her head instead of prying into other people's business. I don't want to be someone nasty.

My translation is probably too mild but I wanted to highlight these two aspects: 1) He continues to call her a child (เด็ก /dek/), even though Rak told him last episode that Prin is older than Mut lol and 2) he uses the same curse word twice (เหี้ย /hiia/), once to describe her despicable behavior and then to distance himself from it - and hilariously ends that statement with a polite ครับ /khrap/! -> เหี้ย /hiia/ is used as a curse word but originally refers to a type of lizard

แมงดา /maaeng daa/ = can mean pimp or (male) prostitute or gigolo; lit. a horseshoe crab

It comes from how male horseshoe crabs will cling onto a female's back during mating season, taking advantage of its mate, and is therefore used to disparage men who benefit off of women financially.

Pronouns galore!

Connor and Rak use ฉัน /chan/ and นาย /naai/ in both directions -

Kom uses ผม /pom/ and apparently just คอนเนอร์ /Connor/ -> polite formal 1st pers. pronoun as Kom is younger but he seems to call his older boyfriend just by name which could indicate familiarity, equal standing in their relationship, or maybe it's just because Connor is a foreigner and thus prefers having his name used??

with Rak, Kom uses ผม /pom/ and พี่รัก /phi Rak/ -> polite yet familiar

Mut and Kom use กู /guu/ and มึง /meung/ in both directions, same as Vi and Rak -> rude, familiar pronouns; they're around the same age and have been friends for ages

Mut calls the girls คุณ(ไข่)มุก /khun (Khai)Mook/ and พี่วี /phi Vi/ -> really shows the difference in closeness!

Special interlude

I've seen enough people talk about this inspired subbing choice here to figure it might be interesting to read about:

โคตรพ่อโคตรแม่รู้สึกดีเลย /khoht por khoht mae ruu seuk dee loei/ = It feels fanfuckingtastically good [...]

-> โคตร /khoht/ refers to one's ancestors or lineage but is used as a vulgar intensifier. Adding พ่อ /por/ = father, and แม่ /mae/ = mother, onto that just makes it stronger by swearing on both sides of the family tree I guess lol (A translation in the same vein might then yield you something like 'It feels so motherfucking good' but I love what MMY's translator went with!)

Rak's actually-lovely relative

ตาเค้าเอง /dtaa khao eng/

-> เค้า /khao/ is a cute informal 1st pers. pronoun, her friend Ing-Ing uses it as well For context, it's most often used in Thai QL by 1) characters who wanna be cutesy with their partner, like Sun once or twice in 23.5 or Tan, consistently lol, in We Are, or 2) by characters who are sweet and cute to begin with (mostly women tbh). Anueng in Blank or Pleng and Wan in the upcoming GL Affair also come to mind.

ว่าไง สาวน้อยของน้า /waa ngai, saao noi khaawng naa/

-> น้า /naa/ = uncle or aunt, specifically the mother's younger sibling 'Uncle' only shows up in the subs here but he always uses it as a 1st pers. pronoun with Meena. Also spot the sweet and soft tone he uses here with his niece uwu

แต่น้ารักห้ามเอาน้ารักตอนที่น้ารักอายุ 13 มาเทียบกับมีนาตอนนี้ /dtaae naa Rak haam ao naa Rak dtaawn thee naa Rak aayu 13 maa thiiap gap Meena dtaawn nee/

For her age, she is quite perceptive and clever and it seems her mom and/or uncle (and maybe grandma too?) made sure she understands the full scope of their family drama. Nina, the actress, is a few years younger than that and looks it too tbh so I'm glad she mentions Meena's age for us. She calls herself by name and him uncle Rak น้ารัก /naa Rak/ which, adorably, sounds close to น่ารัก /naa rak/ = cute/lovable, there's a difference in tone though!

พี่จะทำให้เขา ต้องรัก พี่ /phi ja tham hai khao 'dtaawng rak' phi/

-> ต้องรัก /dtaawng rak/ = must/have to love; Tongrak's name He's said this several times in previous episodes but it specifically threw me back to this scene from ep. 3 🥺

คนอย่างผม ใครจะไปกล้าขอคุณต้องรัก /khohn yaang pom, khrai ja bpai glaa khaaw khun dtaawng rak/ = Someone like me, who would dare to ask Khun Tongrak (/you). ...which could also be read as: = Someone like me, who would dare ask you to have to love [me?].

The word she uses is หน้าด้าน /naa daan/ = boldfaced, shameless, which is surprisingly rude lmaooo

The พี่ /phi/ came and went and now she addresses him exactly the same way as her uncle Rak - น้าหมุด /naa Mut/ hehe

Oh and hey, here's a crazy thought-- Mut and Meena have about the same age gap as Mut and Rak, he might even be closer in age to her than to Rak! In the novel, Rak is 30 going on 31 and judging by Kom being 19 in Love Sand, Mut can't be much older than 20, maybe early 20s.

Submission

วันนี้คุณว่าง่ายกว่าปกตินะ /wan nee, khun waa ngaai gwaa bohk-ga-dti na/ = Today you're more docile than usual.

-> ว่าง่าย /waa ngaai/ = docile, obedient, submissive, compliant, to listen If you've seen more than one Thai drama, I expect you've encountered the word ดื้อ /deuu/ before which is most often subbed as 'stubborn' but can mean 'to not listen, disobedient, obstinate, defiant, resistant' so this word here is just about the opposite of it!

อยากทำก็ทำ ผมเป็นของคุณอยู่แล้ว /yaak tham gaaw tham. pom bpen khaawng khun yuu laaeo/ = [If you] want to do it then do it. I'm all yours.

-> อยู่แล้ว /yuu laaeo/ at the end there can express certainty or completion so this could also be translated as 'I'm already yours' if that makes any difference to anyone but me lol