#before when responses would take 1.5-2 months I had the excuse that I had over 100 asks in my inbox

[bookwyrminspiration]

I know taking my time with asks and prioritizing other things isn't something I need to apologize for, but I still want to say if you've sent me an ask and I haven't answered it I promise I am not ignoring it. I will answer and I do really appreciate it.

I genuinely haven't had an empty ask box since around Dec 2020-Jan 2021 (somewhere around there, I don't know exactly) but I love to answer those asks and share ideas! so please know it is not you or your ask, and that I am doing things as I can.

I just know I've got a few that've been sitting for a while and wanted to say I'm not ignoring you, I promise! I just have Life and there are many of you, so please be patient :)

[myroof-isonfire]

This part is longer:D I had the most fun with this, dunno if you will. ehe (nervousss)

@jiminslajibolala

part 1

part 1.5

2

pushing him, because lord knows you fell in love with a stubborn man. (way to pick em' y/n)

It's been weeks, maybe months you weren't exactly sure anymore, since Diluc last spoke to you. Since he last looked at you. You understood after his father had passed, but now you missed him and it hurt relentlessly.

You weren't sure what you did wrong, if you even did something wrong, you just knew Diluc was avoiding you. Every time you were face to face, he would mumble an excuse about needing to be somewhere or that the tavern is busy and he couldn't talk right now.

Your heart broke everytime he avoided your eyes.

And you were tired of it.

___

You were purposefully seeking him out, you have been all day. Charles didn't know where he was, neither did Kaeya. Kaeya said they stopped talking, but when you asked why out of confusion he didn't respond. Not even a sound or mumble.

What was happening.

You groaned and slid down the wall outside the tavern, the sun was setting and you could hear the sound of a bustling crowd of men entering the tavern for a night off from work. You burried your face in your hands, trying to desperately to hold back you tears. You missed Diluc, you missed him so much.

You looked up from your hands, resting your chin on your knees and trying to listen to the sound of laughter from inside the tavern. Friends, family, lovers laughing together. That used to happen with you, Kaeya, and Diluc. Maybe you even let yourself consider it a lovers date sometimes when it was just you and Diluc.

Diluc held your hand under the table once when a boy wouldn't leave you alone. He told the boy off, his tone was sinister, but you felt so safe around him. Always around him.

Your thoughts evaporated when you saw a glimpse of red hair whisking around a corner.

Diluc.

You jumped from your seated position and scrambled after him, your heart beating out if your chest when you came to a stop a foot or two behind him.

"Diluc!" You smiled, exasperated from trying to catch up to him.

He turned around, his eyes did not lighten and your smile fell.

"Diluc can we please talk?" You sighed, trying to walk up to his side when he turned back around and started walking.

"I'm busy."

You paused, his response was expected, but being Diluc's best friend for nearly a decade meant being a fighter, take that as you will. He was only a few inches ahead of you before you jumped forward and grabbed the edge of his cloak, yanking it backwards. He stumbled but caught himself and lashed around to face you. Your arms were already crossed like your mother when you looked him in the eye.

"What is your problem?" Diluc hissed, straightening out his clothes.

You scoffed, trying to keep your cool but you stomach fell at his harsh tone. You never imagined he'd suddenly turn and speak to you like this.

"What's my problem?" Your voice rose, "You've been ignoring me for weeks, Diluc, what the hell is your problem?"

Diluc paused, eyeing your face carefully.

"My problem is starting to be you."

Your face fell, heart breaking in confusion. He turned around and started walking off again. No, hes not getting away this easily.

"I swear to the archons if you don't tell me what the hell has gotten into you-"

"Stop it." Diluc snapped.

"What? Stop what? Diluc you just started ignoring me! I understand you lost Crepus but please, tell me if I did something wrong, tell me what it is." You cried, raising a hand to your face to cover your stinging eyes.

"Y/n." Diluc warned.

"It's like you don't even know me anymore, you forgot about me and it hurts. You're breaking my heart and I don't know what to do." You sobbed, silently demanding your pain to not spill out of your eyes, but it was determined.

"Y/n, theres a reason why...I... You need to understand that I can't tell you why." Diluc tried to keep his facade up, his hands clenched when he saw you wipe your tears away from your eyes.

"What the hell, Diluc?" You huffed, "That's all you're giving me?"

Diluc looked away from you. You groaned and marched directly infront of him, making him look you in the eyes.

"Oh I don't think so, I want to know exactly why you left me behind. I want to know why you and Kaeya wont talk to each other anymore. I need to know why the laughter I hear in the tavern isn't us anymore." You poked his chest with every emphasized word, the tears that fell from those eyes of yours were endless.

"Please don't do this." Diluc whispered to you, grabbing your wrist and pulling it away from his chest.

"Fuck all, I wasn't interrogating you the night Crepus died but now I am Diluc Ragnvindr."

"I'm sorry."

That was all he said, and even he started to struggle keeping his tears at bay.

And so he turned away from you.

One more.

"I love you, Diluc." This was your last attempt.

Diluc paused in his tracks, his fist clenching.

Please, my love.

"I used to imagine us together, as lovers, did you ever realize that?" You sighed shakily, "Do you remember holding my hand? When I snuck you out at the break of dawn? You let me braid your hair? The times you were vulnerable in front of me? I think about that all the time, I was reminded constantly of why I loved you, and I can't let that end. Not now, not ever."

Don't leave me behind.

It happened in less than a few seconds, but he was suddenly infront if you again. You barely blinked when he cupped your face, hesitating before kissing you.

Hard.

Your eyes widened, but you kissed him back. Oh archons his lips were warm, you expected that. Who were you kidding? You daydreamed about what they felt like.

The kiss lasted forever it seemed like. But it ended too quickly when he pulled away.

"Come back." You whispered, trying to brush your lips against his.

"Y/n, I love you too. I did realize that and I imagined it too, believe me." Diluc didn't take his hands from your face, "But since I quit the Knight's of Favonius, I've become involved in dangerous things, things that could get you hurt if you were seen with me. I'd never forgive myself if you were harmed like that."

"I'd rather be harmed by a terrible person than be harmed like this by you."

Diluc dropped his hands from your face, "I've made up my mind."

You let him turn around and leave this time.

This can't be over.

[mascwhump]

Trenches, Part 2

Chapter 2: Good Luck, Corporal Mosaix

My GOD I AM SO EXCITED TO POST THIS. Sorry it took so long!

CW: drunk whumper, brief verbal abuse

Tag list: @whatwasmyprevioususername @milk-carton-whump @whumpasaurus101 @whatwhumpcomments @ashintheairlikesnow @tears-and-lilies @utopian819

-

Charlie awoke to find himself handcuffed to the foot of the bed. It took over an hour for Basil to come upstairs and free him.

“He’s piss drunk and it’s noon,” Basil whispered as they headed down the stairs. Sure enough, Mallory was slumped over the kitchen counter, clutching a glass of whiskey. He slowly uprighted himself when he heard their footsteps enter the room.

“You’re a fucking sorry excuse for a person, you know that? Get the fuck out of my sight,” he slurred as he took another swig of whiskey.

“Where do you want me to go?” Charlie asked.

“Away! Go away!” Mallory yelled.

Charlie retreated to the safety of Basil’s room. They sat on his bed in an awkward silence until Basil pulled out his phone.

“Do you like TikToks?” Basil asked.

“What the fuck’s a TikTok?” Charlie asked.

“Oh, yeah,” Basil sighed, realizing just how long Charlie had been away from the real world.

“Here.”

He showed him a bunch of his favorite videos and managed to get a few laughs out of him. They then shifted to YouTube. Charlie felt happy for the first time in awhile. It was nice to be able to see some of the content he had been missing.

“Hey,” Charlie said after the video had ended, “What do you think would happen if I ran out the front door right now?”

It took Basil a moment to wipe the shock off of his face and think of a response.

“Well, Nikolas is asleep, and… I don’t know, Char,” he replied, “I don’t think you should risk it.”

“I can’t do this much longer,” Charlie said, “I’m willing to try.”

“I’m not going to try and stop you, but… I’m supposed to be watching you, and-“

“Pretend I knocked you out.”

Basil thought for awhile before nodding.

“If you make it, I just want to say that I hope to meet you again under better circumstances,” he whispered.

“I do, too,” Charlie replied. He took a deep breath before heading to the door. Basil lied on the floor and pretended to be unconscious.

The house was silent. Charlie moved as quietly as possible. There was no sign of Mallory or Nikolas. He swiped Mallory’s wallet from the counter and took every bit of cash out of it. His heart pounded against his chest as he unlocked the front door. He stepped outside and shut it silently before beelining down the steps and down the road. Tears began to stream down his face as he ran, not even paying attention to the rocks that cut into his socks.

He made it to the end of the street and decided to go right. The number of houses increased as he eventually made it into town. His lungs were on fire and he couldn’t feel his legs, but he didn’t stop running until he made it into a strip mall. He went into the Walmart.

“Hey, can’t be in here without shoes, bud,” an employee said.

“Sorry, my shoes were ruined. I’m going to buy some,” Charlie said.

“Okay. Go straight there, then,” the employee replied.

Charlie tried to his best to wipe the distress off his face and calm himself. He pulled out the cash he stole to count it as he walked toward the shoes. There were a couple hundreds, to his relief. He picked out a pair of shoes and a brand new set of clothes, along with a hat and sunglasses. He picked out a handful of snacks. He then checked out and changed in the bathroom. He was in disguise now, and felt alright going outside.

Luckily, a motel was on the corner. He went straight there and got a room for the night, just until he could figure out what to do. The entire situation was extremely overwhelming, and he lied down on the bed. He was alone. He was safe. He was free.

Charlie woke up hours later to a loud knock on his door. He felt nauseous. His plan had failed. How could he have been so stupid to believe that he was free? He tiptoed to the door and looked through the peephole to find a well-dressed man and woman he hadn’t seen before. He worked up the courage to open the door.

“Charlie Mosaix?” The woman asked. Charlie nodded. She and the man held out badges.

“Agents Madison Homer and Douglas Brown, CIA. May we come in?”

“Okay,” Charlie said.

They followed him back into the room and shut the door. They all took a seat, and Charlie wiped his sweaty palms on his pants.

“You were supposed to be released a few days ago,” Agent Homer said, “We found you through facial recognition devices. Corporal, I’m not going to take up much of your time. We’re here on behalf of The United States. Because of the things you have endured for the development of security in this nation, we are offering you an assortment of things in exchange for your silence.”

Charlie’s head was spinning. She continued on.

“Along with an honorable discharge, The United States is providing you with $10,000 a month for the rest of your life, as well as a $1.5 million apartment in Seattle. More can be negotiated. I just need you to sign this paper stating that the events that have occurred over the past seven or so months will never leave you under any circumstance.”

“What if I refuse?” Charlie asked.

“Then, Corporal Mosaix,” she sighed, “I would have to take you into custody and you would never see the light of day again.”

Charlie took the pen from her outstretched hand.

“Did my team sign this paper?” He questioned.

“Every single one of them,” she replied.

“Can I see them again?”

“Yes, as long as you don’t conspire to do anything against our agreement.”

“What’s going to happen to… him?”

“I can’t answer that.”

Charlie took a deep breath before bringing the pen to the paper. He scribbled his name across the line, and it was taken from him almost as soon as he finished. Agent Brown set his briefcase on the table and opened it. Inside was a set of keys, an iPhone, cash, and multiple documents.

“These are yours. The papers contain your agreements and your new address, as well as any phone numbers you may need, along with my own. Good luck, Corporal Mosaix,” Agent Homer said.

The agents left the room almost as quickly as they came. Charlie sat in silence for awhile. Everything was happening far too quickly. Eventually, he picked up the phone. It had already been set up with his old account, and had all the photos and contacts he had before. His thumb hovered over Crow’s name. He hesitated before finally making the call.

He answered almost immediately.

“Charlie?”

“It’s me.”

“Where are you?”

“Reno, I think. I think I’m going to Seattle, though. I don’t know. I don’t really know what’s going on. Where are you?”

“London. Are you… did you get out?”

“Yes.”

“Alright. I’ll, uh… I’ll meet you in Seattle, then?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

[cno-inbminor]

adsentio - bonus letters

a/n: written in the royalty!au. i would recommend reading adsentio for context, but it’s not absolutely necessary. as suggested, this is just a little add-on/bonus snippet that popped into my head. 

summary: prince akaashi suddenly begins writing letters to you on the months you’re not there. you’d be lying if you said you weren’t beginning to look forward to them.

royalty!au: adsentio (pt. 1) | bonus letters (pt 1.5) | the masque (pt. 2)

-

Dear Princess (Y/n),

My mother plans to arrange a ball in your honor when you turn 18 next summer. It appears that she and your mother already started making arrangements a few months ago while you were still here. They plan on inviting other nearby kingdoms – I believe many other dukes and princes will plan to attend. Your coming-of-age is worthy of celebration, but I thought I could help relieve some of the pressure by periodically filling you in on the plans. In fact, I believe they’d like to make it a masquerade ball. Is that something you would enjoy?

I hope this letter has been safely given to you. There is no rush for a response, but if I must be honest, I look forward to receiving your letter soon. Again, there is no rush. I hope you are in good health.

Sincerely,

Prince Akaashi

-

Your Highness,

It is very kind of you to go through the trouble of sending correspondence of your mother’s plans. However, wouldn’t you think that I would know of these arrangements? After all, it is held in my honor. Forgive my forwardness, but were you looking for an excuse to write me a letter? Do you enjoy my presence at the castle more than I’m led to believe?

While I do believe the ball is too much for something as simple as turning 18, I appreciate the sentiment. I actually brought up the idea of a masquerade to your mother when I was there – it’s nice to hear that it’s still in consideration. Wouldn’t you agree that the air of mystery would be much more enjoyable?

Many princesses and ladies will be there as well. Why only mention the other dukes and princes? I have a possible idea, but perhaps I’ll keep it to myself. It seems more enjoyable that way. As of now, I am in good health. We are beginning to prepare for the frost, as well as ensuring that our citizens have the food and shelter to overcome it. The harvest was good to us this fall, and I only hope that spring comes quickly. I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised to receive a letter from you, and I was quite eager to write back.

I look forward to hearing back from you as well.

Princess (Y/n)

-

Dear Princess (Y/n),

If I may be bold, wouldn’t you believe it appropriate to address me by my given name? Even in written correspondence, you find the need to be formal. As I recall, you’ve addressed me by my name in person, so why not in letters? But should you find that uncomfortable, I will understand. There is no pressure.

I’m genuinely happy to hear that you’re still well. We are preparing for the frost as well. Should your kingdom ever need aid, do not hesitate to send for us. I will see to it that I personally help deliver any resources that you may need. Merger or not, our kingdoms are good allies, and should do as good allies do.

I suppose a masquerade would be more entertaining. It’d be interesting to see what everyone’s masks will look like, though I’d be less likely to speak to anyone. It wouldn’t be hard to find Bokuto in the crowd with that hair of his, but I suppose it’d be a little more tricky to find you. Not that my purpose of the ball would be to find you, but I’d at least want to bid you a happy birthday. That’s all.

As you know, I find no need to beat around the bush. I did, somehow, desire to write to you. You stayed a month longer than you usually do this past summer – I suppose I had grown accustomed to your presence, though I wonder why I never wrote you before. I hope you can forgive my forwardness as well.

I didn’t forget of the other possible attendees of the ball. As you had said before, there are some men in line for your hand. I assume that they would take this chance to impress you and your parents. After all, your kingdom is powerful and strong – most would benefit from a merger with you. Politically, our forces combined would be best. However, if I may be selfish, I believe you would make a good companion. If I see the other men making advances, perhaps I should prepare to win you over. But the choice would ultimately be in your hands, and I don’t intend to take that away in any sense.

I am eager to receive your response.

Sincerely,

Keiji

-

Prince Akaashi,

Old habits are so hard to change. I will do my best to correct myself and address you less formally. Many would frown upon this, however. We are not officially engaged yet – I believe some of the more traditional, older handmaidens would find this to be scandalous. They would assume we were off doing something sacrilegious in the hidden corridors, or something that would warrant me addressing you by your given name. I must say I am moved by your want for me to address you as you desire, even flustered. I imagine there are many other ladies who long for this same chance – perhaps I am special to you?

Along those lines, I do not think you give yourself enough credit where credit is due. I have no doubt that you will be able to find me the night of the masquerade – in fact, I believe you will have very little difficulty in doing so. However, perhaps to make this more fun for us, I might make it harder on you. Let us see if you are able to find me before the clock strikes midnight. You are incapable of fooling me – you know as well as I do that you have more than enough time to bid me a happy birthday before the ball.

I admit that I miss being on your castle grounds. It is a place that I have called a second home for many years now, and staying the extra month only made my leave harder. I am happy that you desired to write me. I now look forward to your letters more than others’ correspondences. One trait that I have always admired about you is your honesty – you don’t care to mince your words (unless it would be more appropriate to do so). I must say that I’m quite tired of polite, bureaucratic talk, especially at it should hold no place in a friendship like ours.

I hadn’t thought to give much time to any suitors who would try to sway me in their favor, but I am curious to hear of your argument now. You should be prepared to make a good stance, though I must say that you have earned yourself some extra credit from me – you haven’t failed to forget how important the value of choice is to me. Many other men will fail to remember or even acknowledge this.

If I may be selfish, I hope that the summer months arrive quickly. I look forward to my annual trip to your kingdom.

Sincerely,

Princess (Y/n)

-

Dear (y/n),

The answer is simple. Yes, you are special to me. You are one of my oldest friends, and there are very few people that hold the same honor. Though I’d like to be bold, a bravery that I can only display through paper and ink, and say that you are more special than just an old friend. We have known each other for many years, and I am very sure that you know the meaning in my words. Should you not, I would be willing to explain it in person.

Must you make it more difficult for me to find you? If so, for your entertainment, I will indulge you. However, I am not one to back down from challenges. This will only fuel me in my search, and I will spend the remaining time until then to recall on everything that defines you. Even in sleep, I will study, as you do appear in my dreams from time to time. I do believe it would only be fair to receive a reward if I find you by midnight.

I, too, also anxiously await your letters. Though I know the delivery man is doing his best, I can’t help but wish for a way for letters to travel faster. The days spent waiting for your responses seem longer and less bearable. It’s akin to the feeling when you visit the gardens every day and feel that the flowers are delayed in their bloom. On days when your letters arrive, they seem to have opened substantially. They seem fuller, brighter, and stronger, and I often have to restrain myself from retrieving one for you (since you are no longer here).

You are free to be selfish with me. I, too, wish for the summer months. In return, I hope you accept this bracelet as a Christmas gift. I found it from a jewelry stand when I was strolling through the city and thought it would fit you. You are not one to care for the number of jewels or the material it is made of – I only pray that you will accept it, and I fully intend to compensate for all the previous Christmas holidays where I did not gift you something. It is regrettable, and I can only hope that you accept my apologies now.

Sincerely yours,

Keiji

[haiky-u-lously]

King Kuroo and the Red Knights (9)

Summary:

A Camelot AU where King Arthur is Kuroo Tetsuro, and the Knights of the Roundtable of characters from seasons 1-4 of the HQ anime. Eventual Kuroo X Reader.

Themes:

Action/fighting/killing, dead bodies, Fluff, Angst, Humor, Eventual Romance

Warnings:

Mentions of stalking and abuse of power, Language, Angst in feelings, Gore and fighting, mention of explosion, mention of seeing dead bodies

Word Count:

For Chapter: ~2800words                 

Questions/Comments/Concerns/Ideas welcome as always.

-Admin Red

Hi everyone! First, I’d like to half-apologize for my sudden disappearance from the weekly updates. I say half-apologize because I do feel bad about it, but the first week was supposed to be a break because I’ve had some physical issues come up and it really really hurts to type so I was trying to take a week away from overly stressing my fingers and putting them through more than necessary pain. So like, it was going to be fully justified even though I did feel bad. 

But, after that first weekend without an update I got 7 anon and 2 not-anon asks and 2 direct messages all from individuals basically being hate messages. Regarding how I must be lazy for not keeping my posting up after only two weeks, regarding how the story is crap and they were happy I wasn’t flooding the tags with the b*s anymore. And for how few positive responses I have received regarding the story as a whole after 2 months of posting each week to receive so much after only 1.5 weeks...it was pretty much a punch to the gut.

I realize I am not a top writing for the HQ fandom, I realize that only like...maybe...10 people actually read this story each week, and I am truly grateful to everyone who does. But like that fact that I got so many rude messages as opposed to nice ones really tore me up, especially since in the absence (until yesterday) I hadn’t received any word that anyone was still enjoying the work.

This is why I would like to once again thank the anon who messaged me yesterday. As I said, the kindness you wrote to me made me cry because I’d been so down about this piece. And, I am really glad this work brought you any joy that it did, I hope it continues to do so.

Finally, I have a doctors appointment to get my hands checked out. After basically a month of being in pain with them hopefully something will come of it and I can get back to writing for this work. For now though, here is chapter 9. I hope those following for this piece enjoy it, and honestly if you only wish to send hate please keep it to yourself. Constructive criticism is fine, welcome even (as proven by the fact that I owned up to being wrong about certain characters being third years), but hate messages...those are just pointless.

I hope you like this next installment. Enjoy!

–Admin Red

Chapter 9: Morning of the Tournament

It had been a long few days as the castle staff, knights, and royals of Camelot prepared for the tournament they’d decided to hold. But everyone was in high spirits at breakfast that morning, even Suga and you who’d had a few close calls with your new hall-mate liking to barge in without so much as knocking to indicate his approach.

After the third scare of him walking in while you were eating, you’d started to use your magic to lock the door whenever your helmet was off.

“I still can’t believe how quickly he accepted that you just had (h/l), (h/c) hair when he saw the back of your head,” Suga commented biting into his eggs from his breakfast plate.

You laughed a bit before responding, finishing off your own mouthful of food. “Yea, he is very friendly though. I appreciate how true his comment was. Saying this was the most private hall of the castle? We only come across him regularly, it is pretty nice to be afforded the level of privacy I wanted. Even if there were a few mistakes at the beginning.” You smiled as you went in for more food.

Suga had finished clearing his plate before mouthing to you that he agreed with your assessment.

*knock knock*

When you heard the knocking from your door, rather than the whines of a knight who felt excluded from the so-called party, you knew it was someone other than the King’s right-hand man at your door. Quickly you put your helmet on, still hiding your true identity and removed your magic hold on the door so Suga could open it.

“Excuse me,” Futakuchi called upon entering your chambers. “Ah so you are both here, great! Makes this less work for me then.”

Suga laughed on both of your behalves at the attendant’s joke, having grown accustomed to his sense of humor as it was similar to your own.

“The King has asked me to tell you the order of today’s fights.” He said, pulling a piece of parchment from behind his back with a wide grin.

Suga’s eyes lit up as Futakuchi spoke, and you knew your friend was looking forward to this show of strength as much as any of the men of Camelot, and you smiled proudly behind your face-wear.

When a full minute passed without a word from the magician, Suga threw his hands out in exasperation, “Well then, what is it?”

“Oh, right!” The brunet fumbled the paper before moving to place it on your dining table to review with your pair. “So the first battle will be the most entertaining as the side by side matches should be--!”

His explanation was cut off by the ringing of bells from the courtyard.

“Another attack?” Suga questioned, not knowing the differences in Camelot’s alarm system since you’d heard it less than a handful of times.

Futakuchi shook his head, “No, it means a visitor. But I have no clue who could be approaching today of all days. Come, you should see who it is with me.”

Your group made it down to the front square of the Castle, only to watch as all of the knight’s you’d slowly begun to know over the course of the week run up to a pair of men riding in on horseback!

“You’ve made it!”

“What took you two so long?”

“Where have you been, idiots? The guests of honor arrived a week before you!”

“With Asahi and Ushijima here we are in for a real tournament!”

“Grand welcome for two of Camelot’s strongest! Welcome back to the castle latecomers.”

Watching the group, you realized the men were as close to one another as Suga and you were with your own band of Knights. You were grateful for the reminder of home, even if it made you miss your friends a bit more.

“Ah, so they really did show up today.” You heard from beside you and turned to face the speaker, “Pardon their inept ability to make proper introductions, Red Knight. The two newcomers are the pair I told you about before. Since they have arrived, I may make them participate in the tournament as punishment for being so late.”

You nodded to the King, indicating you’d heard him before stepping back to let him address his men from a better position atop the stairs.

“Thank you,” He smiled fondly before taking your prior position and screaming out to the men below him, “Ushijima! Asahi! Men!” The knights filed up at the base of the staircase, with the two new arrivals front and center. “Why are you so late?”

“Late?” Asahi asked, “You know, you all keep saying we are late, but we just got these summons a few days ago.”

Ushijima just shrugged and looked bored, “If we are supposedly late, we can just go back to where we were.”

The men around the pair started shouting obscenities at their friends’ casualness. You noted the joking manner between the group of twelve and realized that this kingdom truly did feel like they were in a time of peacefulness after the decades of darkness that befell them.

Looking to Suga, you noticed his eyes trained on the men below, joking and horseplaying as he had with his own companions, and you made a note to show how grateful you were to him once more. He’d left his home and friends to stay beside you, the least you could do is remind him how appreciative you were.

“--wever, the matter at fact is that our guests arrived a week before you. To top that, they fought on our side when the castle was attacked without all her guards in place. So I’ve decided you will join our tournament today, and I will not accept any excuses of being tired from your journey.” The King smiled down to his men. The pair grumbled about how unfair a punishment was being forced on them, the other men just showed excitement at the prospect of their friends joining.

“Yes! Yes! Yes! I want to fight Ushi!”

“Hells ya! Make them fight for their dinner while we’re at it!”

“I wouldn’t mind kicking some sense into the glass hearted giant myself!”

“Woaho! Fight time, let’s go!!”

Even the few not shouting out in pure joy had grins on their faces as they looked to and nodded at one another, all of them ready for what they now perceived to be a perfect tournament.

Waving your hand, you caught Suga’s attention, and holding your fingers up to make a triangle, you told him to ask about the tournament set up.

“Excuse us, King Kuroo.” He approached the royal, “This will probably change your line-up for the tournament?”

“You’re right! Futakuchi!” He yelled, to get the attendant’s attention away from joking around with the men below. “Come, we have to rearrange some things.” After his announcement, the King reentered the castle.

As he passed Futakuchi slowed to ask Suga a question, “How against are you showcasing your magic?”

Suga looked to you for your decision. Since showing magic would be the first test against the King’s ability to truly reconnect with the Order you decided it would be a fine move. 

You shrugged your shoulders to indicate you didn’t care either way, leaving it to Suga’s discretion since he too knew of the testing methods.

“If I fight another magician, I don’t mind.” He answered positively.

Futakuchi’s grin overtook his features as he bobbed his head before following after his king.

“You sure like them, don’t you?” You whisper asked your friend.

“Like you don’t?” He laughed back. “If it goes well, perhaps we really can trust this new King and then you can focus on your other mission.”

Behind your shielded mask, you rolled your eyes and stuck out your tongue before answering, “Perhaps you can shut up because no one asked you about that.”

He laughed at your ire, but brought it down to nothing more than a smile seeing the knights climbing the stairs.

“Oh let me introduce you!” Bokuto yelled excitedly seeing your pair atop the staircase. “Ushijima, Asahi, these are the Red Knight representatives. This is Sugawara, the Knight’s squire, and that...well, we just call him the Red Knight, I’ve seemed to have forgotten his name.” The Knight ended up drawing out his introduction as he racked his brain trying to recall it.

“Oh the Red Knight doesn’t mind, we’ve been doing it all week.” Terushima countered, defending his friend’s forgetfulness, and you stifled a laugh as you imagined it was because he too forgot the name you’d chosen to use.

“Wait, you’re Sugawara? From the Order?” A longer haired male asked, stepping from behind the other men to look at your friend closely. After what you guessed was further inspection he grabbed your companion in a tight embrace, “It’s been years! How are you old friend?!” The male shouted in his ears.

You’d moved to unsheath your sword, only to pause at Suga raising his hand towards you.

“It’s okay Yomimasu, I actually think I remember this man.” He finally said once released from the embrace. The taller male backed up and sheepishly scratched at the stubble of hair growing against his jawline. Suga did his own visual study before grinning from ear to ear and giving the man his own version of a soul crushing bear-hug. “Azumane, goor sir. It’s been a long while. Glad to see you’re still alive!”

Hearing the name Suga called, memories flooded your mind of Suga’s friend from the summer years back. A traveling group stayed in a town near your own and the pair met in the forest when Suga was searching for you. After enticing the over-grown child’s help, Suga made fast friends with the boy. Sneaking off himself to go teach him some sword fighting skills and some of the things you’d taught him as well.

“Wait!” Semi interrupted your thoughts and the pair’s reunion. “You two know each other?”

Suga nodded, and Asahi moved to explain, “I stayed a summer nearby to where Suga lived when I was a child. He was the one who taught me to use swords, and his cousin taught us both how to write. Thought I’d never see them again, honestly. What are you doing in Camelot?”

Being questioned, Suga fell back into his more reserved mannerisms, “Of course, I am here as escort to the Red Knight as the Order has sent us to determine if Camelot is worthy of being considered an ally once more.”

The official reason for your visit.

It still angered you that it was your only excuse, that you weren’t meant to share your other reasons. But things were the way they were, and thus you stayed silent, watching the encounter from the sidelines.

“What are you doing as a knight of Camelot? I thought only those in some roundabout way related to the King’s lineage were accepted as knights?” Suga questioned.

“Oh, Kuroo did away with that rule long before he even became King. Quoting about how men should be fighter’s by their merit not their bloodlines.” Yamagata informed your pair.

Aone got a disgusted look on his face that made you want to laugh out, but you swallowed the feeling, he asked, “Did you think we were all somehow related?”

Suga glanced at you, and you did nothing to indicate your own thoughts of the matter, he sighed in defeat and answered, “Well not recently, but yes I felt your family trees must have connected somewhere down the line to the King’s.”

The group of men before him burst into fits of laughter as they regarded the idea and its apparent absurdity. 

“What of your cousin? How does the Princess fair?” Asahi questioned, changing topics to try and save his friend some embarrassment.

“Cousin?” Daichi guffawed.

“Princess?” Atsumu and Osamu blurted out simultaneously.

Your body went stiff at Asahi’s question and you had to take a few deep breaths to calm yourself and tell your mind that they weren’t actually calling to you.

Suga grinned as if he didn’t have a care in the world as he answered his old friend’s question, “She’s happier than she’s ever been, last time I saw her.”

He turned to reenter the castle, probably to return to your room, but you weren’t sure. You were going to follow him  but stopped dead in your tracks as Bokuto, Satori, Terushima and Atsumu all followed after him, asking so many questions over one another even you couldn’t make any of them out.

“So who are you?” A tall man, with short dark hair turned to you. He felt like he’d probably be more intimidating than Aone, but as you were currently sporting a full suit of armor, and held a secret that none in Camelot, save your own friend, knew, you didn’t actually feel frightened.

Daichi and Iwaizumi both stepped between your figure and the large knight, hands up defensively.

“Actually, Ushijima, while in uniform the Knight cannot speak. It’s a little challenging, but we’ve managed pretty well this past week. It’s easier to ask simple questions.” Daichi informed, and you appreciated the complete switch in the knight’s attitudes since you’d first arrived.

Iwaizumi nodded, “The letter you received should have detailed the purpose of their visit, Futa did a great job explaining everything in ours at least. We did a shite job of first impressions the night they arrived and yet he still helped us defend Camlot’s castle. The Red Knight is good people, trust us on that in the very least.” 

It amazed you how much the male reminded you of your old childhood acquaintance. You wished you’d know the boy better to tell if he was the same man for sure, but alas, only Oikawa would have known...And, it’d been years since you’d seen him either. You felt the tear roll down your cheek before realizing you’d started to cry at the recollection. Closing your eyes you let your mind settle on nothingness to rid it of the negative memories regarding your ex-friend.

“Then perhaps you can answer simple yes or no questions?” The giant, presumably Ushijima questioned you. Upon seeing you nod, he hummed before continuing, “Are you really only here to see if Camelot can reconnect with your Order?”

While you knew how Suga would want you to respond, you also knew it wouldn’t be truthful. It’d been a long week developing trust with the members of Camelot’s court, and you the only way to keep that streak would be to stay honest. You shook your head in the negative.

Ignoring the shocked exclamations of the men around him, your interrogator continued. “Do you wish to bring Camelot or Kuroo harm?”

You stood at attention and shook your head once more, expressing clear displeasure at the mere idea.

The male hummed before bowing out of his inquisition, “I see. I look forward to getting to know you then.”

Watching him move inside the castle, you stayed where you were in anticipation of the other’s questions to follow your first answer.

“Aye, you weren’t being serious in having another motive, were you?” Osamu questioned, looking at you with disbelief dancing in his eyes.

You just bowed your head in apology.

“Does Sugawara know of your other mission?” Daichi questioned further.

You thought for a moment before rocking your hand side-to-side in front of you, telling the knights he kind of knew a bit about it, but entirely.

Semi shook his head and stepped forward, a frown clear on his face as he tried to find your eyes hidden in the shadows of your helmet, “Have you deceived us?”

His voice sounded so angry, almost threateningly so, but you knew you couldn’t answer that question without Suga by your side to explain. Thankfully you didn’t have to.

“Oi!” King Kuroo yelled from one of the windows overlooking the front gate. “Get to the main hall for review of the schedule!”

“In a minute!” Semi yelled back, still looking you up and down distrustingly.

Kuroo didn’t like this attitude in his knight’s defiance and yelled back, “Now!” Then laughed as he added, “Or no supper for any of the knights, Semi!”

The silver haired male tsk’d in annoyance before rushing inside.

“We trust you,” A voice called your attention from watching the others follow after him. “Not sure why it’s such a strong trust, but we do.” Aone looked at you directly, unbeknownst to him catching your eyes’ gaze with ease. “Don’t betray us.”

What could you do but bow in a show of understanding and acceptance. You really didn’t wish to betray them, and should they discover your secret in a manner not befitting your true identity, then the power will lie with them to do with you as they please.

   _______________________________________________

Table of contents:

Chapter 8                                                     Chapter 10

[ibrahimkhalilof]

This is How I Made $40k In Passive Income By Age 26

I’m talking here about real passive income, not the kind where you spend years writing a book. There’s one caveat though and you need money to make money.

I started investing part of my income every month at age 23. Three years later, I had made $40k in profit tax-free and could put down a deposit on my first house. All with less than an hour of effort per year. $13k per hour of work doesn’t sound bad, does it?

It’s not sexy but I relied on getting a professional job and investing my excess income. Many in my position don’t do this and sacrifice future financial freedom. You can take the profits to start up your own business with less reliance on outside help. Self-funding the initial stages gives you more credibility when asking others for more money.

My Economics bachelors and central bank experience made me confident to invest responsibly. Yet the steps I took weren’t complex and here I break down what I did.

NOTE: Lucky factors went my way with exchange rates, freak performance, and government bonus schemes amongst others. Do not read this and think similar performance can be produced reliably in the future. This is a high-level overview and I do not go into blow-by-blow detail.

Surrendered my arrogance

One of the biggest mistakes I see is people thinking they are exceptional. Investment funds have whole teams of hyperqualified people and complex algorithms. Yet 85.1% of active funds have failed to beat the S&P 500 in the last 10 years. How can you honestly believe you can win?

I bought index and active funds from the major economies rather than individual stocks. This takes the decision making out of my hands. As I’m from the UK, I invested through an ISA (the equivalent of a superpowered Roth IRA) to earn tax-free.

I spread myself out geographically with stocks in the USA, UK, mainland Europe, and Asia. My risk was dramatically reduced as I owned shares in thousands of companies. By using index funds, my fees were far lower than buying individual stocks. When I wanted exposure and index funds were unavailable, I found funds by managers with long histories.

Invested first and spent afterward

Every month, the same amount left my account automatically. I never considered this as spending money so it never factored into my buying decisions. I could start the account with significant savings from 1.5 years of working that were sitting in a low-interest current account.

There are all kinds of apps to encourage people to invest their savings. One of the tricks I dislike is rounding up purchases to send to the pot. You buy a cookie for 20 cents and 80 cents goes straight into your fund. This takes control away from you and leaves your input reliant on chance events. The return is already based on chance so why make it even more uncertain!

Some portray compounding as a type of sorcery. Yet 7% return per year for ten years on ten dollars is $9.67 profit. On a thousand dollars it is $967. Don’t make the excuse of something is better than nothing when you can put away more. It takes time to build a portfolio to the point where it can make a difference in your life. I had a massive advantage by living with my parents.

If you truly want passive income, you need to examine your spending habits too and decide if anything is a luxury you are happy to be without.

Never invested if I couldn’t afford to lose 50%

I could invest more than I did but I always kept some in reserve. If anything happened to me, I could cope with losing half the value of my investments. The amount you’re willing to risk can change over time and change your plans in line with this.

The worst crashes in the S&P history have taken the value to around half but they have always bounced back. We still didn’t fall below this even when news of the pandemic hit or when the financial crisis of 2008 struck. You can be confident a developed country’s stock market won’t completely self-destruct. Only a massive event could do this and then you’d have bigger problems!

Individual stocks can go to zero but it is harder for a fund to do so. You must feel comfortable with the unlikely worst-case scenario for peace of mind. There’s always a chance of great losses and you can’t blame anyone else if you lose more than you can handle. It is possible to lose everything!

Examined my opportunity costs

Let’s not pretend it isn’t a privilege to invest. Not only must you cover your expenses but also your debts. I was fortunate to have student loan debt with an interest of less than 2%. As long as I believed I could beat this rate, it made sense to invest extra money rather than paying off debts early.

Yet I know others are not as lucky. The average stock market return in the long-run has been 7% for the S&P. If the interest on your debt is higher than this, pay it off first! You have to decide your willingness to take the risk if your interest is less than this. I cannot tell you how much. I took a risk by investing in emerging economies and those paid off.

For entrepreneurs, when starting a business you should believe you can beat this rate in the long run. At the time, I didn’t have a business idea I thought would be a better path. You should be confident in forecasting significantly more than this to make the extra effort worth it.

Allowed the money to do its thing

There’s a secret of investing many people seem to forget. Looking at the numbers doesn’t magically make them increase. Interfering too much will backfire.

I thought about taking my money out several times when it looked like the peak. I thought about adding more whenever it looked like the bottom. Every time I was wrong. I would have lost wealth if I had acted. Trying to perfectly time the market will leave you anxious and constantly checking the news. Not to mention the lost income by needing to pay fees for every trade.

What you need to take with you

Investing in the way I did gave me much greater financial freedom. I did it while working a 9–5 and fresh out of university. The hardest part is working to get the money to invest but once you have this, it’s about making the strategy as easy as possible. These are the steps I took and can help you too.

1. Surrendered my arrogance — I bought funds, not individual stocks.

2. Invested first then spent afterward — I could only spend what I hadn’t invested.

3. Never invested if I couldn’t afford to lose 50% — I didn’t put my security at risk.

4. Examined my opportunity costs — I was sure it was the best use of my money.

5. Allowed the money to do its thing — I didn’t obsessively check on it.

Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day! Remember this is my story and you must examine the risks for yourself. I have intentionally not given the exact funds because they may not perform the same in the future.

Any actions taken are completely at your own risk, this should not be considered financial or legal advice. I am not a financial advisor. Please consult a financial professional before making major financial decisions.

[wesker20]

Fallen Hero 1.5 Episode 13 Revenge: One Month Later

Episode 12: The Rise of Sidestep Part 2: My Name...

           One Month Later…

           You got to give credit to Zeta. He’s patient. One month and nothing. Not a zip. Just silence. So much silence that you have returned to your deeds as Mastermind as if everything was normal. Your crew seems more comfortable with you. Or less uncomfortable with you. They seem to have accepted what you did at Bloodmoon or at the very least don’t think about it that much. Surely Jane’s presence has helped with that too. She is the more approachable part of you after all.

           Argent has been on your ass lately too. She seems a bit more pissed off compared to your earlier encounters. More determined. But not as much as you expected taking into consideration what happened at Bloodmoon.

           Red Doll is another one. She has taken to chasing you like a dog chasing a bone. Only that instead of playing with the bone the dog wants to tear it apart, burn it to ashes, and then throw the ashes on a volcano. And that’s on top of all the other vigilantes who now chase you, not just because they want to get a reputation now, but because they now have a reason to hate your guts. If it was reputation as a bona fide villain that you wanted, you have it.

           The underworld, on the other hand, has changed their tune and now you are practically the boogeyman. All of the gangs that took your name suddenly disappeared and new gangs emerged to take their place; gangs composed of former members of the previous gangs.

           All in all, you are not sure whether to hug Zeta for his unintentional help with the underworld, or strangle him for making your current life a living hell with all of Los Diablos heroes on your ass.

           Rangers HQ – Kitchen

           “Everything alright?” Ortega asks, bringing you back into reality. Well, the present reality rather than the past reality.

           “Yeah, I’m fine. Just, thinking,” you tell her, which is not that much of a lie. These chats have become something of a welcome distraction lately. Whenever you are not planning for your next hit, or waiting for Zeta to make his move, you have come here to either talk or help out however you could. Kept you away from thinking too much about other things. Thinking about other memories…

           “What about?”

           “Well, a lot. You with all the stuff that’s been happening in the last couple of months.” She stares at you with a soft look, almost as if processing everything that has indeed happened.

           She chuckles. “Don’t break your head over it. Trust me.”

           “Speaking from experience?” you say with a smirk. She probably is.

           “Yeah…” she sighs.

           You wonder if you should ask her about it. She was not there but she still saw the end result. And Argent was there too. You know you would not want anyone to witness that, let alone one of your friends. “Want to talk about it?” you finally say dropping your casual tone.

           “There’s not much to talk about. I wasn’t there. Angie was, and… well… she’s not exactly sharing it.” In her shoes you wouldn’t. You can barely think about it without shivering. Or at least you used to. Now you feel… nothing. Almost as if those emotions have been hidden away or gotten erased. You wonder if it has to do with the fact you were the one responsible for Bloodmoon.

           “Never took Argent for a sharer.”

           “She really isn’t,” she begins and pauses, looking at you with a quizzical look on her face. “A lot like you actually.”

           You chuckle a bit. “Really? How?”

           “You are both always so reserved and closed. Like try to live a little but no, you prefer that tiny little world of yours. Powers away, you two are lot alike.” She takes a sip of her drink.

           “If I didn’t knew you any better, I’d say you were trying to set us up,” you joke, taking a sip of your drink, hiding your chuckle.

           She spits drink, laughing. “Oh god, no,” she begins taking a napkin to clean herself up. “That would be so hard, just to get you two to…” she stops herself, tapping her chin as if deep in thought. “Although…”

           “No!” you cut her off a little too quickly.

           She simply smiles. “oh come on.”

           “No. I’m an asshole and I can barely deal with myself. Let alone two assholes. Besides last I checked I wasn’t even worth a glance.”

           “Angie is not…” she taps her chin. “Ok yeah, she can be. But trust me, once you get on her good side, she’s actually very sweet. Again, kind of like-”

           “Don’t say it,” you cut her off, eating the last piece of your chocolate bar and throwing the paper at the trashcan. “I’m not interested.”

           “Sure you are. Who are you lying to,” a third voice chimes in. The last voice you wanted to hear today. Jane’s voice. Or rather, the Jane from your head. “Be honest. You want to get on with that silver lady, rip her clothes off and see that sexy body. You want to feel that skin on yours like a-” ‘stop it’ you tell her mentally. At least one thing you have learned in the last month about her.

           “Besides, since when do you play matchmaker?”

           “Since I’ve had to deal with you two idiots,” she chuckles. You put your hand on your chest, faking offense.

           “Julia Ortega, you wound me.” She laughs and takes another sip.

“I’m honest. You need some social life, she needs a social life. You were practically made for each other.”

“I fail to see how that would even work. Besides she’s not my type.” At that Ortega completely spills over her drink.

“You want me remind you of Luna?” Oh god no. Not that. Luna is an assassin you fought back in your Sidestep days. She was hired to kill some business men, and you, like the naïve idiot that you were, jumped in to protect them. Sufficient to say you two did have something of a chemistry. Nothing came of it, of course, but Ortega always teased you about it, even threatened to take a picture and post it on the fridge once. As for her mission, Luna was not known to fail, and fail she did not. One of your several loses you could say. You shake your head in shame as Ortega laughs again.

Silence overtakes for several minutes before a wonder comes to mind. “By the way, where’s Herald?”

           “Where else, in a press conference with the Mayor regarding the last couple of months.”

           “Poor kid. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

           “Still remember the days when I was the one there?.” You simply nod. Ortega was always called to represent the Rangers and you were always dragged into it; unless you wanted to stay alone with Steel. You made sure to keep yourself hidden so that they wouldn’t find you, but that did not protect you from the reporters, politicians, and others. You feel pity for Herald, even if he looks good on camera and can probably take it, playing second fiddle to the Mayor is never pretty.

           “Remember how we always had to sneak away ‘cause your fans would surround us?” you tell her.

           She laughs. “Yeah. My favorite one was when we had to use the bike to get away.” You groan at the memory. Ortega was the driver and you were the unfortunate passenger. You never let Ortega drive you in a bike ever again after that.

           “You mean the time you nearly killed us?” you chuckle.

           “Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad.” You simply stare at her, wishing that you could get in her head to pass on the memory of the day. But it seems the look on your face says it all. “Alright, maybe it was that bad. But admit it, you had fun.”

           “Definitely more fun than your disappointed fans.”

           “Yeah. Surprised I still have some.”

           “You do?”

           She nods. “Yeah. Hell, couple of days ago this journalist came and told me he was a fan.”

           “huh, Journalist?”

           “Yeah, an independent one. He has some magazine apparently.” You sigh while smiling.

           “Guess you still have it even in your old age,” you tease. You immediately raise your hands in surrender as she stares at you. “Don’t shoot me,” you say and the two of you just laugh it off. “What’s the name of the magazine anyway? Maybe I’ll check it out.”

           “It was…” she taps her chin trying to remember. “…ta. Something with ta. Ta, ta, ta. Zeta magazine.” You feel your heart stop beating, your body freezes over, and the smile you had been sporting up until now fades into a straight line. You manage to hide it all from Ortega and continue.

           “What did he looked like?” Please don’t say smaller than me with brown hair. Please don’t say smaller me with brown hair.

           “He was small. Smaller than you actually. And brown hair. Dressed with a white long sleeves shirt.” Your stomach twists and turns. Her voice fades away, everything fades away as you lock yourself in your mind. He was here, Zeta was here. And he spoke to Ortega. Why?

           “-member the name, sorry.” Ortega’s voice brings you back to reality. “Everything alright?”

           “Yeah, yeah. I just remembered something.”

           “Anything important?” you shake your head.

           “I’ll be going now. Tomorrow’s gonna be a busy day.” It really will be now.

           “Sure. I’ll take you to the entrance.” You feel the instant need to tell her you know the way. But that would just raise some eyebrows and reveal how nervous you are, so you let her.

           The walk to the entrance is painful, you count every second that passes, every breath you take, and the people in your way just irritate you beyond believe.

           “Well good news is your plan worked,” you hear Jane’s voice right next to you, keeping up with you as a third invisible member to your walk. “Bad news is you should have expected it to be something like this.” You don’t even bother to answer her. You know. You should have predicted this. But you didn’t. You expected him to maybe attack someplace else, maybe give you a call threatening you. You never expected him to actually go after the Rangers. It’s suicide if he wishes to remain unnoticed.

           You arrive at the entrance and give your goodbyes to Julia. You wait for her to get as far away as possible before you begin your desperate sprint out. You don’t bother to excuse yourself as you bump into everyone outside, they do not matter at the moment. You have to get back to your hideout and plan out your next move. You’ve had one month to think it up, but you could barely come up with something without knowing what Zeta would try next. Now that you have an idea, you can get something.

           He came to Ranger and talked to Julia, specifically her. No doubt because he knows what you two had. So what was his purpose? Information gathering? Makes sense with his cover as an independent journalist. But then why did he name his magazine after himself? That’s just stupid, straight up sloppy. You don’t use something that obvious unless… unless you are not trying to hide. Unless you expect the person to relay the name to an intended target.

           Your phone rings. Damn it, who could be now. You grab the phone and look at the number. Unknown…

           You push ‘send’ and slowly raise it to your ear. “What!?” you say, your voice bitter.

           “I like your friend Ortega. She reminds me a lot of Alpha. I see why you fell for her.” your heart stops again as you try to hold back whatever this is that’s rising through your body. “I can see why you replaced Alpha with her.”

           “I did not replace anyone.”

           “Yes you did. The rangers, that crew of worthless criminals? They are all replacements for us. Your team. The team you destroyed.”

           “I-” you begin but the words stay on your throat.

           “If you haven’t been wishing for all of those things you wouldn’t have had to replace us at all because nothing would have happened. We would have all stayed together and alive.”

           “I told you to come with me. You refused.”

           “Because I told you that there was nothing for us out here. And even if there was, there was no escaping the farm. I mean look at you. You escaped and got captured anyway.” You gulp. The memories of those days coming back to you, but you bury them down. “and now you are a villain, hurting people like that Red Doll girl. You remember her boyfriend, right? How you crushed his skull with your bare hands?”

           “What do you want Zeta? If you want me dead I’m right here.” You hear him laughing at the other end.

           “You don’t deserve death. Death is a rest. It’s a better alternative than what happened to Alpha. You don’t deserve that rest. No. I want your whole world to collapse on you and for you to sit on that empty world with nothing at the end. Starting now.”

           “What do you mean?”

           “I want to play a game, Jeremy.” He says your name with mockery, as if it a filthy thing to say. Your name. Her name. Her gift. “I call it, how fast can you save your friends without them noticing. I mean you could tell them. But then you would have to explain to them who I am and why I’m after you. And how I was sneaky enough to set up a bomb inside their headquarters.” You feel yourself choking.

           “What!”

           “I put a bomb. Don’t disarm it, and it goes boom, adios half of Rangers HQ and about 10 miles worth of streets and people. Disarm it, and you still have to get it out without anybody noticing. Again, unless you are willing to explain it all to them, it makes no difference to me. And because I’m feeling generous today I’ll give you a general area to search. The bomb is in the visitors’ area. Yeah, I know. Not the most structurally important site, and trust me if it was up to me I would have set it deeper but, you know, security in there is more than even I can handle. And besides what fun is a game if I put it in an impossible area for you to reach. Good luck. You have about thirty minutes before everything goes kabloom.” Before you can answer the line goes dead.

           Thirty minutes. Julia is probably still in the visitors area, and even if she wasn’t, she is still probably close to it. Ten miles radius. You have a slight idea what bomb he is talking about. Another bomb they taught you to build at the farm, meaning that you could disarm it.

           “Wo, wo, wo. Hold on a second there,” the Jane presence shows herself again. “You are not going to play his game are you?”

           “Does it look like I have a choice?”

           “Yeah, you do. Turn around and walk away. It’s not your problem their security sucks.”

           You stare at her in disbelieve. And then turn back to the building and prepare to walk in, ignoring Jane’s outburst about how you are going to get yourself, and in turn her, killed. And she just might be right.

           Shit.

           You barge through the front door, once again not excusing yourself from bumping into everyone. Whatever you do, you can’t let Julia, Argent, or Steel see you. Thankfully, or not depending on your point of view, the building is crowded today. Probably has something to do with that press conference. You head straight for the visitors area, not a second to waste.

             Now at the visitors’ area what’s left is to figure out where the bomb is. You can’t blindly search for it; it would be a waste of time to do so, especially with the building so crowded. Think, think, think. Where would Zeta put it, where would you put it?

           You replay the conversation in your head, trying to find a clue. A hint. A slip, anything. You check your clock, eight minutes have passed since the call. You may only have twenty two minutes, maybe less if you account for the lost time in the conversation. It has to be something small so that Zeta could have snuck it in. But even small there is the risk of someone finding it, so he would need to put it in a place where no one but you would find it.

           Shit. You have nothing. Every area you have visited has spots where it could be found. Maybe up. No, you look up but the ceiling is one piece. No way to tear one part off and plant a bomb. The builders here took precautions. Then Jane screams to you.

           “Idiot, can’t you feel that!?” indeed you do. A certain mind that you would recognize anywhere: Argent.

           You immediately hide behind a crowd. You hope her vision does not notice you, or if it does, it confuses you with the others. You are not certain it will work but you have to try. If she finds you, even if she ignores you, she would probably tell Julia and she thinks you are already out. You see Argent pass through the crowd, ignoring several of them, and thankfully steps into an elevator. You breathe a sigh of relief. But not for long, bomb, still counting. You check your clock: you have lost four more minutes. eighteen minutes or less. Shit.

           You force yourself through the crowd, heart pumping, sweat sliding down your forehead. Where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, WHERE, WHERE, WHERE, WHERE, WHERE, WHERE, WHERE, WHERE, WHERE… you can’t think, you can’t, not with all these thoughts overwhelming you, all of these people. You had forgotten how much you hated crowds for this exact reason. Their worthless worries creeping into your head like worms, overtaking you, blind to the danger that they are in. They scream and yell, moan and whine about how unfair everything is when they have a FUCKING BOMB THAT WILL KILL THEM ALL. SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

           “You shut up you idiot,” Jane’s voice echoes in your head. You feel her hand on your shoulder and turn to see her. “If you use your powers here you will be found. Keep it quiet. Breath.” You obey her. “Breath. Now calm down and think. I’ll block them out.” You don’t bother questioning her. So far she has only been able to manifest, but not use your powers. How will she block them? You don’t understand but it works, their thoughts vanish from your mind. Even your more negatives thoughts disappear, as if hidden away, only reason, pure cold logic and reason. You realize the answer was in front of you all along.

           The kitchen, the place you have visited the most, where you always end up in, where you have spent all your talks with Julia, and even Herald. However it has many spots where it could be found, Zeta had to hide it in one place no one would check. Under the sink? No, if something broke, they would call someone to fix it and they would check it. Under the table even less, anyone can check that. Inside the fridge? Argent would have found it by now, and something tells you Zeta would have noticed too. Behind the fridge? Like the sink if the fridge broke, they would move it and find it. But it does have more possibility.

           You arrive at the kitchen with eight minutes to spare. Thankfully no one was here. Before checking behind the fridge you check on your eliminated possibilities just to be certain. As you expected neither under the table nor the kitchen sink. You check behind and you hear it, a slow beeping. Low enough to be covered by the fridge’s motor but clear enough if you are looking for it.

           You check outside, making sure no one is coming. You check for cameras. There are cameras but you notice they are off. All but one. Shit. Zeta is watching you. You make sure to flip him off just to release some of the fury you are feeling right now. You begin moving the damn thing as much as possible. Damn, it’s heavy. Even as empty of snacks as it is right now, it’s probably the heaviest thing you have had to move out of your suit in a while. Oh how you miss your suit right now. You could have moved out this thing like a toy. But alas, you can’t. So you hold onto it, bite the scream of your muscles away and pull the fridge away from the wall. Not by much, but enough that you can squeeze through and with an outstretched arm you grab it.

           You can’t describe what you are feeling right now, your heart begins beating again, air flows through your lungs again. Finally you can disarm this thing and get it over wi-

           “Oh shit,” both you and the Jane presence say at the same time as you stare at the bomb. Same type of bomb you were taught to make. You could disarm it with your eyes folded. Or in your sleep. That’s not the problem. The problem with this one versus the one he set in your hide out is simple: the substance. The nitro. The formula is highly explosive. After a certain amount of sudden movements it can explode: with or without detonator. So not only do you have to disarm this thing, you have to carry out the bottle with the substance, making sure not to make too many sudden movements, in a place filled to the brim with people, and then find a way to get rid of it. You take a deep breath. You need it.

           As you expected your work is done almost as fast as you begin, little more than thirty seconds to disarm the detonator. Now all you have to do get this highly explosive agent out of the building. Easy…

           You put the detonator on one of your pockets. You grab the agent and put your hand inside one of your pockets. You take another breath. At least you no longer have a ticking clock.

           You step slowly out of the kitchen, making sure there is no Ranger in the distance. You turn on your ‘don’t look at me’ aura and another ‘get out of my way aura’ to ensure your survival and theirs. Not that is easy. The place is still filled to the brim and people are not fast enough to get out of your way. So you are forced to take each and every step with careful consideration, keeping an eye out for any stray thoughts that may come from any of the rangers. Well except Julia. You can’t feel her…

Shit! You forgot about that!

           You breathe again, calming down. You’ll come up with something to say if you find her, you are capable of that much at least.

           You continue your way, going through the crowd and into the elevator, which fills just as much. You glue yourself to the corner, making sure no one can bump into you. You step out of the Elevator without missing a beat. That’s it, you are close to the lobby. Just several meters more and then…

           You bump into someone. Your heart stops, your breath gets stuck in your throat, and your body freezes…            “Watch where you are going!” the man yells at you before moving on. You don’t quite process his words. Your mind still realizing you are alive and unharmed. For now.

           “OK, we are fine and dandy. Now move it!” Jane says. You don’t have to be told twice. You head for the entrance and finally walk out and down the steps. Yes! You did it! You are out. Now to get rid of it. You can go to one of the docks and throw it away. Or maybe keep it and use it in the future. It’s not every day you get this kind of explosive. Either way, you are out and now all that’s left is to…

           You feel the shockwave before hearing the boom. A thundering boom that breaks through your ears. An explosion, far from here. The shockwave takes you down into the pavement. The nitro falls out of your hands. You watch as it bounces once. You don’t wait to see it bounce away you stand up and run back to Rangers HQ, far away, before…

           You don’t hear this explosion. Instead you feel it. You turn just in time for the shockwave to hit you in the stomach, sending you through the entrance and into the lobby. You cover your face by instinct, as glass digs into your back and arms. You roll on the ground and hit something. You don’t know what but it stops you from rolling. Somehow you don’t lose consciousness. Not that it matters.

Your body screams in agony, your vision blurs, and the last thing you want is to get up. But you do. Using your training you push through the pain, ignoring it, switching it off for now. You don’t need it. Right now what you need is to get your head back in the game. Your vision clears and you see the mess. Debris and glass everywhere. People bloodied, some of them on the ground, whether dead or unconscious, you can’t tell.

“Medics, get here and help these people,” you hear the familiar voice of Steel. You turn to see him helping some people while ordering security. Well no need to hide this time at least. You stumble down but you feel a hand grab you before you fall, a silver hand. Argent.

You turn to see her staring down on you and helping you to sit. “Hey there. How’s your day?” you joke because that’s the only thing that will keep you sane right now.

“I don’t know. You tell me. You look worse than Ortega on a bad day.”

“Ah, finally decided to talk to me? Nice. All it took was an explosion.”

“Keep talking and I’ll drop you on your head.”

“Duly noted.”

“Stay here. I’m sure Julia is on the way.” She doesn’t stop to see your nod, heading towards Steel who relays some orders to her.

“Jeremy!” And there’s Julia. “What are you doing here?”

“Had to go to the bathroom so I came back and… well you take a look.” It was as good an excuse as you could muster at the moment.

“What happened?” she asks, taking a more professional tone, but still clearly worried.

“I heard one explosion. Far off. I don’t know where. Next thing I know I was flying through the door.”

“There were two?” she asks. You nod. She turns and calls for Steel. He looks at you with that same unreadable face that he always has.

“What is it?” he asks.

“There were two explosions. One was far off.” She tells him. Steel remains thoughtful for a second before turning to you.

“Do you remember the direction of the explosion?” you shake your head. You barely even had time to process there was one. “Try to think. From which side did you heard it?” you do as he says because, as hurt as you are, you are just as curious to know where that other explosion came from. And you get the sense Steel is on to something. You think back to your position, you were looking towards the street, back to the entrance. You heard the boom from your left ear. But you just told Julia you were heading in, so you can’t tell Steel you were heading out.

“I was heading into the building again,” you begin, he listens without an expression. “Right side. I heard the first explosion on my right.” Both Steel’s and Julia’s eyes widen and they look at each other. “What?” you ask, although you might have figured out the answer. Julia turns to you.

“That direction?” she points sheepishly. You nod. “That’s the direction of the-.”

“The press conference,” you cut her off.

Shit…

Episode 14 Revenge: The Voice

[xgchristina]

just for a quick minute, i’m gonna spill a little bit about some of the things i've been stressing about this year.

1. once i finish up my contract here in korea, i’m gonna go back home and start school again for my credential and master’s. hypothetically, when i start my credential, which would be IMMEDIATELY once i return, i will need to purchase a new car (in addition to insurance and gas). enrolling in a credential program also means that i won’t have time to work, mornings will be spent student teaching and afternoons-evenings will be spent in class lectures. 

in order to even enroll, i need to have certain prerequisite courses completed. currently, i am in the process applying to two schools, in case my first choice doesn’t go through. for my first choice, there are two courses i need to complete before enrolling, and three for my second choice. of the total five courses, two have to be from a university while the other three can be completed at my local community college. 

the two courses i need to take are offered at different universities, which means i need to apply to two separate schools and then pay for those courses. because i am not a student of those universities, i am enrolling through their open university option, which means i have to pay for the course by the unit. both courses will be during the schools’ winter intersessions, which means the courses will be completed in a short matter of time but still cost me around $2,000. $2,000, ya’ll. i’ve already paid for one course a few weeks ago, so that one is out of my hair. but i have the other one to pay for and i am stressed the fuck out about it. i’m going to have to ask for help on this one and i don’t even want to. it’s nobody’s responsibility but mine to further my education and i am so fucking angry at myself for having to need to ask for help.

1.5. the actual credential program applications are kicking my butt. 4 different papers i need to write all with different prompts. i am a terrible writer. i hate writing. i hate it more than science. it is my worst academic skill. i have been trying to get myself to complete everything by the end of this month and i haven’t even completed half of my work yet.

both credential programs also start the very beginning of august and require in-person meetings prior to starting. i’m returning literally the last week of august. so, all this stress about prereq courses and paying for them, writing these goddam papers, and just applying to the programs might not even happen. if that happens, idk what i’ll do. i’m just trying to stay positive and not let it take over my feelings right now.

2. when you are a foreigner teaching english in korea, you are not given importance. i have all my vacation days ready to go, but i never know when i can actually take them. all other staff in the school know their vacation dates, but i usually have to wait until a week or two before my camp dates to be told when my vacation dates are. by that time, flights are extremely expensive and my wallet cries along with me.

because we, english teachers, never know our camp dates until a week or two prior to the start date, it’s difficult to plan our vacation. so this time, i took the liberty of just booking my vacation without knowing my camp dates. i based it off of last winter’s and thought it’d be better to just ask for forgiveness rather than permission beforehand. BUT, since i was able to find my prereq courses for winter intersessions, i need to change my flights to about a week later because they intersect with my vacation. they’d only be overlapping with the first week of vacation, but i wasn’t planning on flying with my laptop and leaving it around the hostel while i’m out and about. so there goes more money...

**IF YOU ARE GONNA BE IN SPAIN/GREECE ANY TIME FROM JANUARY 17TH-FEBRUARY 4TH, LET YA GIRL KNOW!!**

2.5. as an english teacher, part of our job entails a winter and summer camp, unless your principal is hella hella hella cool and doesn’t require you to do them. these camps are basically an extra week or two of teaching alone, usually only 2-4 hours/day (during the regular school year we-at least elementary school-always have a korean english teacher in the class). but instead of the curriculum from the textbook, we can choose to do whatever we want. it could be a camp about space, science, movies, reading, or literally anything. for the past winter and summer camps that i’ve already completed, i’ve been on top of them and had them ready to go at least 2 months in advance cos i didn’t want to stress about them when the time came. however, i’ve been so preoccupied with other things on my plate that i keep forgetting about it.

-----

actually, i think that’s it. i thought i had at least 5 things to list, and technically there 4 there, but i guess they’re all connected anyway. i’ve been holding up with the stress pretty well, but i think as the year is coming closer and closer to an end and deadlines are coming up sooner, i’ve been feeling the pressure so much more. i’ve been crying this whole afternoon about everything, including what i haven’t even added onto this list, and i just want this period to be done and over with. 

i don’t want to be that person, cos i know how goddam blessed i am to be where i am today and i am always consciously grateful, but i’m gonna say it just this one time. it really really fucking sucks to be broke and poor. i’m not even saying it like i’m trying to get sympathy or use it as an excuse to not give myself certain things, but it just sucks. growing up poor fucking sucks, and living poor fucking sucks. it sucks to have to depend on money to further any part of life cos it adds so much stress and takes away so much livelihood. 

okay. done with the self pity-party. time to get some more work done now.

[angels-just-cut-out-her-ton-blog]

Part III

So, you know what’s really cool? When you meet someone, and you chat a little bit, and end up exchanging numbers (‘cause honestly, it is easier that way. Tumblr’s chat function blows.) You start talking, like really talking, and you both open up to each other, and it just feels like there’s a connection there. You swap pics (my picture was plastered all over my main blog, so there shouldn’t have been any surprises there...), even though looks don’t really matter to me in that sort of situation.. I honestly just wanted to put a face to the name. I wanted to see who I was talking to. I think that’s pretty normal, right?

...

I’m going off topic here, but this has to be said. I know I might come off as shallow, after my thoughts on Adam Driver and Frank Iero’s appearances, but I’m really not. I think they’re attractive because they’re so good at what they do. I’ve loved Frank’s music looong before I ever saw him (and honestly, like everyone else, I had a thing for Gerard. Further off topic: When I was 16ish, I saw MCR for the first time. It was during the Revenge era, and I made it up to the second row of the venue, right in the middle. And Gerard sweat on me. 💦 So, take that, all you Killjoys who are half my age. 🙄 (I’m so old...😩) No, but seriously. Gerard Way. Got his bodily fluids. All over my face. 😉) Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, appearances. With actors, you can’t really say you loved their work before you ever saw them. It kinda just doesn’t work that way, obviously — except when they’re wearing a mask. I first saw Adam, like almost everyone else, in The Force Awakens. (I had heard of Girls, but I’ve never had HBO. And honestly, from the clips I’ve seen, it’s definitely not for me. I can’t stand Hannah or the other girl, the blonde.. whatever. The show looks like trash, like so many things on HBO that try to be edgy or progressive. Just because Adam is in it doesn’t mean I have to watch it and it definitely doesn’t mean I have to like it. I can still think for myself.. 💭) Anyway, I remember watching The Force Awakens, thinking “it’s gonna be someone dark and gloomy, with a looming presence, probably not attractive, cause why else would they put a mask on him?” Then Kylo takes the mask off to face his father and I’m sitting on the couch, slackjawed, thinking “oh, fuck”. Sometime later, my mother remarks that Kylo is “weird looking” and “there’s just something about his face” and I’m mentally screaming “shut the hell up; the man is beautiful!” Now she calls him my boyfriend. (Sorry, Joanne.) Isn’t that a pretty pathetic insight into my life? 🙄

I was going somewhere with this. This is not about Gerard Way or Adam Driver. It’s about me. And whether or not I’m attractive or fat. How egotistical am I? If you really think I am, you can fuck right off. Seriously. Don’t read my shit if you don’t like it. I know there’s lots of nasty people out there, and I can be one of them. Don’t test me, sweetheart. 💕

...

Right, so, you share pictures with this essential stranger. And you get the normal response. “Oh, you’re cute” or “pretty” or whatever. And we keep talking. Then the next day or so later, you send a full body pic. And you get no response. Just complete silence. You try to explain it away. “Oh, he must have fallen asleep,” or “oh, he must have lost service in the bad weather”. And, as my very close friend told me, I have also told myself “NO. STOP. DO NOT try to explain it away”. Because that’s what I do. I don’t really fall for excuses. I am NOT naïve or stupid, and I do NOT fall for stupid shit. I might play along and try to constantly silence my nagging brain, which will begin screaming at me for acting so foolishly, for pretending to believe someone’s lies, because that’s easier than living in reality and accepting the truth. But I DO NOT fall for bullshit. And, you know what? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I didn’t get ghosted. But I am sick of letting things slide because I will avoid confrontation at all costs. And, like I said, I might be wrong. I’m wrong ALL the fucking time. But if I’m wrong, prove me wrong. I’m big enough to say I was mistaken and apologize. But until then, I have to assume, well, the worst.

I’m pretty sure there were full body pictures on my main blog, but now I can’t know for sure. Thanks, Tumblr. But even if there weren’t, I’m 5’1 and, yeah, I think I need to lose some weight. Right now, I’m about 110-113ish. I’d like to get down to 100-105, which I was at a few months ago. A little while back, I got wickedly sick and spent over a week in bed. This lead to total inactivity and me eating junk food and snacking a lot since I had nothing else to do. So I gained a bit of weight. Last year, or, shit, in 2017, after I got out of the hospital, I started gaining a lot of weight. I was on an insanely high dose of steroids, so my face looked like a balloon. My RA woke up because of all the trauma to my body (as is the nature of autoimmune diseases — laying dormant until some sort of episode “wakes” them up, and the person begins to experience their first symptoms). During this first flare-up, I could hardly move. My hands were so bad, I couldn’t press hard enough on the button to lock my phone. Needless to say, exercise was completely out of the question — if I’m being frank, the idea was a fucking joke. I also started eating again after only eating a few chunks of fruit, usually some sort of melon, a day for about 2 years. Fruit and 5ish shots of 99 proof liquor, on a typical day. And sometimes, I skipped the fruit. Other times, I would binge and 5ish shots turned into 8ish shots. About once a week I’d eat one of those Cup of Noodles. Rarer still would be me finishing it. I was so malnourished by the time I got “rescued” and taken to the ER.. a few more days, they said. I only would have had a few more days left if I hadn’t gotten help when I did. I was down to 90ish pounds, and that was before 1.5 liters of fluid were drained from my abdomen. So when I got home and started eating again, I ate a lot. I maxed out at around 152, so 113 is pretty good. I think. Yet, I still think I’m overweight. Or too heavy. According to a medical professional I happen to know, overweight for my height would start at 135. Hand to god, I will never be that big again.

I have major self esteem problems, as I’ve mentioned. I also have huge issues with obesity because of something I’d rather not talk about right now. So to get ghosted because of my body is shitty. It’s a shitty thing to happen to anyone. But it seems like it’s happened to me, and it fucking sucks. I don’t know if I’ve ever been ditched because of my looks or body before (actually, that’s a lie, but it’s part of the story I don’t want to tell or even recollect on right now), but that’s what this looks like. I’ve certainly been ghosted before, and I really don’t want that to be the situation here, again. And, like I said, if I’m wrong, PROVE ME WRONG. Please. I WANT to be wrong. Why the hell would you stop responding to someone because of the way they look? I’m still the same person who just spilled my guts to you. Does that mean nothing?

Since I’m talking about it, this is me:

Soo.. I dunno. Am I fat? I feel fat now, after all that bs. 😒 I’m not wearing makeup in half those pictures, and I wear my bedhead hair about 75% of the time. Sigh. I’m really, really hard on myself. I want to delete those pictures up there. I don’t want anyone to see me. Delete this whole fucking blog. Tumblr will probably do it for me, for no reason, eventually, anyways.

I’m laying in bed, doing nothing but listening to the tv and eating chocolate, getting fat(ter). Guy’s Grocery Games is on. One of my favorite shows. I know I have things to do, but I just don’t want to do them. It’s the stupidest thing, too. I have to call two doctor’s offices. That’s it. Two phone calls, and I feel nervous about it. It sounds stupid, I know, I know. No one really gets how debilitating my anxiety can be. I feel really alone, a lot. Alienated. I think that’s why I sleep so much and keep such strange hours.

Anxiety is always in my way.

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I think it’s really important for me to stress that I have ridiculously low self esteem and unrealistic view of my body. I constantly see myself in a negative light. I know I’m not fat, but you can know something and still have pervasive thoughts that contradict the knowledge you have. I don’t want to offend anyone who does struggle with their weight by saying derogatory things about myself that other people don’t see, and might get angry/hurt/offended that I did say something that comes off as unsavory to them. But this is my blog, which I fill with my thoughts and feelings. So if I’m uncomfortable with my weight, I have every right to say so, especially if a particular situation caused the topic in general to bother me. But I mean no ill will towards anyone, and the last thing I want to do is offend someone. But, again, my thoughts, my feelings, my blog, my outlet.

[mastcomm]

China’s Leader, Under Fire, Says He Led Coronavirus Fight Early On

Under fire for its response to the coronavirus epidemic, China’s authoritarian government appears to be pushing a new account of events that presents President Xi Jinping as taking early action to fight the outbreak that has convulsed the country.

But in doing so, the authorities have acknowledged for the first time that Mr. Xi was aware of the epidemic nearly two weeks before he first spoke publicly about it — and while officials at its epicenter in the city of Wuhan were still playing down its dangers.

That confirmation risks drawing the president, China’s most powerful leader in decades, directly into questions about whether top officials did too little, too late.

In an internal speech published on Saturday, Mr. Xi said he had “issued demands about the efforts to prevent and control” the coronavirus on Jan. 7, during a meeting of the Politburo Standing Committee, the highest council of the Communist Party, whose sessions are typically cloaked in secrecy.

In the speech, he also said he had authorized the unprecedented lockdown of Wuhan and other cities beginning on Jan. 23.

“I have at every moment monitored the spread of the epidemic and progress in efforts to curtail it, constantly issuing oral orders and also instructions,” Mr. Xi said of his more recent involvement.

Mr. Xi’s advisers may have hoped that publishing the speech, delivered on Feb. 3. would dispel speculation about his recent retreat from public view and reassure his people that he can be trusted to lead them out of the epidemic. The virus so far has officially infected more than 66,000 people and killed more than 1,500 worldwide, the vast majority in mainland China.

“The overall tone of the speech appears to be defensive,” said Minxin Pei, a professor of government at Claremont McKenna College in California. “He wants to change the narrative, which until this point has been very unfavorable to the top leadership.”

Delivered at a meeting with top party officials, when the epidemic had already spiraled into a national crisis, the speech could expose Mr. Xi to criticism that he didn’t treat the initial threat urgently enough, and make it difficult for him to shift blame onto local officials for what many see as the government’s early mishandling of the epidemic.

The remarks also raise questions about what top leaders knew at the time and what instructions they issued based on that knowledge.

Updated Feb. 10, 2020

What is a Coronavirus? It is a novel virus named for the crown-like spikes that protrude from its surface. The coronavirus can infect both animals and people, and can cause a range of respiratory illnesses from the common cold to more dangerous conditions like Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS.

How contagious is the virus? According to preliminary research, it seems moderately infectious, similar to SARS, and is possibly transmitted through the air. Scientists have estimated that each infected person could spread it to somewhere between 1.5 and 3.5 people without effective containment measures.

How worried should I be? While the virus is a serious public health concern, the risk to most people outside China remains very low, and seasonal flu is a more immediate threat.

Who is working to contain the virus? World Health Organization officials have praised China’s aggressive response to the virus by closing transportation, schools and markets. This week, a team of experts from the W.H.O. arrived in Beijing to offer assistance.

What if I’m traveling? The United States and Australia are temporarily denying entry to noncitizens who recently traveled to China and several airlines have canceled flights.

How do I keep myself and others safe? Washing your hands frequently is the most important thing you can do, along with staying at home when you’re sick.

That Mr. Xi convened a meeting of China’s highest political body in early January indicates that the coronavirus was already being seen as a matter of high-level concern — making his subsequent silence even more conspicuous, experts say. An official account of the Jan. 7 Standing Committee meeting issued at the time by Xinhua, the state news agency, made no mention of a discussion of the coronavirus.

“It seems like he’s trying to indicate that ‘we weren’t asleep at the wheel,’” said Jude Blanchette, the Freeman Chair in China Studies at the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “But it comes off like ‘we knew this was a problem, but we weren’t sounding the alarm.’”

In the speech this month, Mr. Xi signaled his displeasure with lower-level bureaucrats for their “shortcomings” in implementing the party’s top-level directives.

In early January, officials in Wuhan were giving open assurances that human-to-human transmission of the virus was unlikely. Some government experts agreed.

“For now, it seems there is no clear evidence of human-to-human transmission,” Xu Jianguo, a senior expert on communicable diseases at the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention, said in an interview in early January with Ta Kung Pao, a Hong Kong newspaper. “This shows that the threat level from this virus is limited.”

The new information places Mr. Xi’s involvement in fighting the epidemic much earlier than was previously known. His earliest public comment on the epidemic came on Jan. 20, when he gave brief instructions that were published in state media.

In the days after Mr. Xi’s Jan. 7 orders were issued, politicians in Wuhan met for the annual meeting of the city’s People’s Congress, its party-controlled legislature. Over that time, the Wuhan health commission’s daily bulletins on the outbreak said repeatedly that there were no new cases of infection, no firm evidence of human-to-human transmission and no infection of medical workers.

But signs were growing that politicians and government experts underestimated the potency of the new coronavirus. On Jan. 9, a 61-year-old man surnamed Zeng died — the earliest confirmed fatality from the virus. Already, some doctors in Wuhan hospitals were worried enough to warn friends and propose special wards for patients showing symptoms of infection.

Even after Mr. Xi made his first public remarks about the epidemic on Jan. 20, he mostly kept it at the bottom of his public agenda. On the day before the Lunar New Year holiday began in late January, he took the stage at the Great Hall of the People in Beijing and declared his success in guiding China through a difficult year — making no mention of the virus that was already spreading fear throughout the country.

As he spoke, Wuhan, a city of 11 million, was going into lockdown mode, in a desperate attempt to stop the virus from spreading.

Mr. Xi’s first public appearance after the lockdown of Wuhan on Jan. 23 came two days later, when he presided over a meeting of the Politburo Standing Committee.

“We’re sure to be able to win in this battle,” he proclaimed.

But in the days after, he all but disappeared from public view, emerging only a handful of times to preside over Communist Party meetings and to meet foreign visitors, including the director-general of the World Health Organization and Cambodia’s autocratic leader Hun Sen. In the meantime, he directed the country’s No. 2 leader, Li Keqiang, to lead the group handling the emergency, effectively turning him into the public face of the response.

For days, Mr. Xi’s absence from public view fueled speculation that he was trying to shield his own reputation by taking a back seat in the fast-unfolding crisis. In the past week, he has returned to center stage in an apparent effort to swat away such talk.

This past week, Mr. Xi went to a neighborhood center in Beijing, a hospital and a center for disease control in what state media billed as a visit to the “front line” of China’s efforts to combat the epidemic. He has yet to visit Hubei, the province at the center of the epidemic.

A few days later, Mr. Xi fired two top Communist Party officials in Hubei, a move intended to calm simmering public anger and contain the political fallout.

By publishing the Feb. 3 speech now, experts say, Mr. Xi appears to be staking his reputation on the outcome of the epidemic fight.

“What’s really interesting in the speech is there’s a lot of the word ‘I’ in it,” said Mr. Blanchette, of Center for Strategic and International Studies. “This is clearly putting himself at the center of Beijing’s response to this while also falling back on the old excuse of blaming cadres for longstanding pathologies of China’s political system.”

The Feb. 3 speech was published by Qiushi, or Seeking Truth, the Communist Party’s top doctrinal journal. It is rare for such an internal speech to be published in full so quickly.

In the speech, Mr. Xi described the efforts to end the epidemic as a “people’s war” and he singled out two key battlegrounds: Hubei Province, where the infections and deaths have been concentrated, and Beijing, the capital.

He also acknowledged that the epidemic and the fight to curtail it were likely to hurt the economy, slowing production and cooling trade.

In response, Mr. Xi said the government would provide financial support for businesses, help migrant workers return to their jobs and step up support for construction projects. He said the blow to consumer spending could be offset by encouraging spending in new areas, such as 5G phone networks, as well as online entertainment and education.

He also emphasized the importance of taking control of the narrative and winning over public opinion at home and abroad.

“There must be closer monitoring and assessment of opinion, proactively speaking out and giving positive guidance,” Mr. Xi said of Chinese public sentiment.

“Seize the initiative and effectively shape international opinion,” he added.

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[itsworn]

Art Of Deception: Self-Learning EFI That Looks Like A Carb!

Everyone’s project car is figuratively and literally stalled at some point. Excuses run rampant: the carb is acting up, it’s misfiring, I’m waiting on parts, or I don’t have the time to finish it. We found a solution to many of these problems with Holley’s Stealth EFI kit. This system features reliable EFI tuning, easy driving, and super easy installation which can be performed in a weekend, and have you driving—sans excuse—to work on Monday.

Our CC/Malibu G-body project was born as a simple street build. No excuses and no problems… well, few major complications. The G-Body platform is the perfect foundation for a simple, reliable street beast, but stock it’s littered with ’80s-era emissions and choked performance. So, we turn to the aftermarket for help making a 30-year-old vehicle drive like a modern machine.

The Car Our CC/Malibu has come a long way since it left the assembly line. John McGann originally purchased this garage-kept, 60,000-mile car in Ohio. He then drove it back to LA, coining the trip, “the Car Craft Tour of Power.”

The trip began with the installation of a Vortec 350 (a former Trick Flow Specialties test mule) with a fresh Summit Racing forged rotating assembly (resulting in 355 ci). It’s topped with Trick Flow Specialties 195 heads, a 218/224-at-0.050 cam with 0.495-/0.510-inch lift on a 110 degree LSA, 1.5:1 roller rocker arms, a Trick Flow dual-plane intake, and a vacuum-secondary Holley Performance Products 650 carburetor. The headers are 1 5/8-inch Patriot with 3-inch collectors. It’s currently backed by a Performance Automatic 4L60E with a 2,200 stall converter, but that’s going to change very soon.

The Malibu made 320 hp at 5,700 rpm and 386 lb-ft of torque at 3,300 rpm to the wheels, out of its basic 10.0:01 compression 355 small-block Chevy. Currently, the car resides near Washington D.C. with Three Pedals, the company known for manual-trans swaps; they helped us with this Holley Terminator EFI install.

The Terminator The Terminator system features a long list of benefits, the most important being improved drivability through a self-learning strategy. Like so many hot rods, we had a Biff-like combination of pedal stabs when starting the Malibu, now it’s much easier. The expandable ECU also allows for power adders like boost or nitrous.

Holley makes the Terminator system in two varieties: The standard Terminator has a smaller throttle body similar those on a NASCAR cup car with partially exposed injectors. This ordinarily would’ve been fine for our Malibu, but Holley had just begun to offer the Terminator Stealth, which resembles a Holley four-barrel carb. Both systems are offered in three finishes: gold, black, or polished. They’re also available as master kits, which include everything down to the mechanic fuel pump block-off plate and fuel system, or as base kits with just the throttle body assembly and Terminator HP ECU.

Here’s some of the components we’re installing: Terminator throttle body, Dominator ECU, 3.5-inch control screen, wiring, and 20 feet of Earl’s 3/8 I.D. Vapor Guard EFI hose with connectors.

We opted for the Stealth because the cool factor was hard to beat—in fact, this is the Stealth’s whole reason for existence. The old-school carburetor look fits the muscle car vibe, and the gold anodized finish gives it a pleasing period-correct patina. We’ve covered the Terminator’s features and installation in other stories; the Stealth version is essentially the same, with the carburetor “look” and overall footprint being the salient features setting it apart from its sibling. To finish our installation, we picked Holley’s modular retrofit in-tank fuel pump, which eliminates the need for an inline pump or aftermarket tank. We also chose the Dominator EFI ECU, which features electronic transmission control to work with our 4L60E. Note that the base kit includes a Terminator HP ECU box, but if more race features or transmission control is desired, the Dominator ECU can be paired with the Stealth throttle body in a Terminator Stealth Transmission Control kit. (A separate fuel system kit would then need to be ordered.)

The Terminator system would fool many into thinking it’s an anodized carburetor, but that’s kind of the point in the name “Stealth.” Only appearances change between the standard Terminator 4bbr kit and the Terminator Stealth kit; both feature the same flow rate and sensors.

Throttle Body Installation The order of events aren’t as important as simply completing them before the first drive. We opted to do the easy part first: bolting on the new Stealth throttle body. This part is exactly how you would attach any 4150-style carburetor. Housed inside the throttle body, completely out of view, are four 80-pound injectors, along with all the necessary sensors.

A good tip is to label all vacuums lines before removing the old carburetor. The new Terminator Stealth has vacuum ports for PVC, distributor, and other vacuum needs. We also added a throttle cable bracket from Summit Racing (part No. 210239BLK, $69.99) for our stock throttle cable.

The Dominator ECU will control timing when used with any small-cap HEI distributor. We installed a new MSD 8362 Street Fire Chevy HEI distributor (part No. 121-8362) with adjustable vacuum advance. It’s not a necessity for some applications, but our vintage unit needed replacing.

We installed the Dominator ECU against the kick-up in the floorboard below the glove box. This is a dry, cool place, away from engine bay heat and with easy access if we chose to install more ports.

Wiring Wiring, like the rest of the kit, is efficient and easy. All wires are clearly labeled and cut to length. Here we ran our wiring through the interior to the fuel pump in the back. A new water-temp sensor was installed in the intake. At this point we also laid out the wiring for the wide-band O2 sensor (included).

The Dominator ECU may seem like overkill for this project, but it prepares us for forthcoming upgrades. It has the capability to run over 40 inputs and 40 outputs compared to the 4-in and 4-out of the standard HP ECU found in the Terminator kit.

The Terminator’s O2 sensor can be installed at home without a lift or a welder. Holley includes an optional O2 sensor clamp, which only requires a drill bit and a couple sockets to install. We’ve used the no-weld bung kit in the past, and it’s fast and effective. (You can always go back later and make the O2 sensor installation more permanent after you get up and running.)

O2 Sensor A single wide-band O2 sensors is included. This fast-acting sensor is what allows the self-learning to happen so quickly and safely; it’s accuracy is far improved over the OE narrow-band “switching” sensors from just a few years ago. We installed it within 10 inches of the collector, and as suggested in the instructions, we preserved a minimum 18 inches of exhaust after the sensor. Also, it should be tilted at least 10 degree upward from horizontal, which keeps condensation from collecting around the sensor.

The retrofit fuel kit includes 1/2-inch tank gaskets (seen slightly out of focus in the background) designed to give the top of the tank space from the trunk pan in order to clear the height of the new fuel pickup (foreground).

Fuel Tank The optional retrofit fuel system consumed the most time of the entire installation, but many users will be covered by the master kit’s inline pump, which is included and doesn’t require the tank to be dropped for installation.

This module features Holley’s Hydramat pickup which is a huge advantage for auto crossing and burnout contests—both of which followed after our install. It keeps enough fuel at the pickup at all times, despite sloshing in the tank. This allowed us to keep the stock tank and cut down on extra work and expense.

We reused the stock 3/8-inch hard line and plumbed the return line with the supplied Earl’s Vapor Guard 3/8-inch hose. According to Holley, 3/8-inch feed and return lines are a minimum requirement for fuel injection systems, and plenty adequate for our horsepower.

Throttle response has greatly improved and start-up is quick no matter the outside conditions. Immediately after the installation, we brought the car to Bowling Green, Kentucky for the 2018 Car Craft Summer Nationals where it ran a 13.83 at 103 mph in the 1/4 mile.

Driving In the waning days of the 20th century, right about now we would be getting into the weeds about programming fuel maps and ignition tables, cold start-up enrichment, puddling constants, coolant- and air-temp scalars, injector offsets, and a bunch of other frustrating stuff, but with the Terminator’s wide-band sensor and self-learning strategy, you’ll be cracking a beer open in no time. Setting up the ECU on the 3.5-inch color screen is—you guessed it—easy. Just follow a series of multiple-choice questions about your engine and transmission and the self-learning system takes it from there.

Three Pedals co-owner Josh Korsower won the 2018 Summer Nationals Burnout Content on Saturday, with the Malibu.

We mounted the 3.5-inch color touch screen controller to the dashboard using the included adhesive and quick-release holder. This way we can see it while driving, with our chosen dashboard screen of a tach, coolant temp, and air/fuel ratio. With the ECU location we chose, running the wire from the controller was simple. Check back over the next few months as we put the finishing touches on the Car Craft Malibu!

Here’s the original package on the car: an Edelbrock fuel pump, Holley 650 carburetor, and regulator. A system which has served us well.

We drilled a 1/2-inch hole in the firewall and ran the majority of the wiring through the driver’s side. A nice rubber grommet is provided to keep the wires from chafing. It looks like a mess, but installation involved very little cutting or splicing.

We have a trusty Miller TIG welder, so adding the bung to the exhaust was no issue. This small bit of welding is the most difficult part of the installation, but even if you don’t have a welder, you’re still ok…

To install our Holley retrofit fuel module, we started by cutting a 3 1/4-inch hole in the top of the tank. Choosing the hole placement in the tank is important; it needs to be forward in the tank to be covered in hard braking, on a flat section for good sealing, and with room on top to fit between the tank and the trunk floor without interference.

A special gasket with the retrofit kit allows the flat surface of the pickup to seal to any curvature in the top of the tank—up to 0.28-inches of variation—without leaking or seepage.

We installed the adjustable fuel press regulator above the tank against the front of the trunk pan.

Holley includes this sleek looking aluminum fuel filter, which we mounted just in front of the rear axle against the bottom of the floor pan.

The fuel pickup includes a feed, return, and vent. We rerouted the vent up and over the tank and into the bumper with the supplied roll-over valve.

You won’t need a laptop, just this 3.5-inch color touch-sensitive display which connects temporarily to the ECU (although you may leave it mounted permanently or hide it in the glovebox or console for monitoring).

This screen is a sample of the kind of function that is programmable from the Terminator’s hand-held controller/monitor.

The post Art Of Deception: Self-Learning EFI That Looks Like A Carb! appeared first on Hot Rod Network.

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[thefalsedeath-blog]

My MI story

I was a late bloomer so why shouldn’t my mental illness be any different?

I don’t remember exactly when I first became depressed but I believe it started late in high school and got exceedingly worse in college. I had never really been away from home but college was my only ticket out of a small hometown.

What I thought was normal college behavior may have been the beginning of my mania. I was usually a rambunctious and outspoken person but struggled to find a place to “fit in” while in college. I literally picked my major blindly and although I liked my classes just fine, I was never really comfortable with it. I was an outsider and wasn’t raised to be in the Ag industry like all my classmates. I had no idea what I wanted to do then and I’m still that way at 38 years old. The binge drinking….random hook-ups…nothing was fulfilling. I remember coming home on breaks, sneaking a cigarette from Mom and sitting on the back porch while rocking back and forth while telling myself I’m useless and life was worthless. I was 20 years old when this started.

I didn’t date much and never had a boyfriend in college until I met someone long distance at the end of my junior year. It was long distance. We spoke a lot, chatted online, and saw each other every few months. It was going ok until my last semester. I was looking for jobs in his area because there was nothing for him where I was. Nothing panned out job wise so I took the only job I was offered…at a game company. I was getting ready to graduate in December 1999 but that October before, my boyfriend disappeared from my life. One day we were chatting and the next, he was gone. No calls, emails, nothing. His parents always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t come to the phone and he wouldn’t respond to anything. It crushed me and ruined my graduation. I thought perhaps he would still come and surprise me…but nothing.

I started my job right after New Years and hated it. I cried every morning for 6 months because I was so unhappy going there but I had student loan responsibilities that my mother wouldn’t let me forget. They didn’t know what to do with me so I was basically a jack of all trades. It wasn’t until August of that year (2000) that I heard from the boyfriend. He couldn’t explain why he went silent but after some long phone calls, I gave him another chance. It didn’t last 4 months before I ended it. We had been friends ever since then. Kept in touch and always loved each other but realized it just wasn’t meant to be.

That should have been a sign of things to come-a pattern that would consistently repeat itself. I fall in love and give all of myself and then they disappear/give up.

After 2 years, I decided to move to Chicago for someone else I was dating long distance. I left my job and moved in with him. I started temping and that led to a permanent position. However, the better I did, the worse “we” did. He could only work retail and I became the mother in the relationship. Paying for everything while he spent his money on being the “life of the party” and on whatever he felt like. Then I became pregnant in 2003. It was an easy decision to abort and have no regrets to this day but I believe that it made my depression worsen and I began medicating at this time.

We broke up after I returned from a business trip and he made it clear that we were no longer intimate because I had gained weight. Not only was he short with terrible acne but his teeth were a mess! He was also an illegal immigrant. Months later after I moved out, I received a call from the police telling me that he has been hit by a car and was at the emergency room. I left work to go see him as I was listed as his ER contact. I was there for his surgery, I took him home and got up every 4 hours to give him meds, clean him, feed him etc until he was able to go back home. Later, I was accused of trying to interfere in his relationships and we stopped contact. Although I resent him for making me feel awful about myself, he also opened my eyes to a lot of new things-for that I am grateful.

It was throughout this time that I began to put on a mask and absorb myself into how others were. Their interests were mine…I was pliable. If I didn’t agree with them, I WAS wrong and made to feel stupid because of it. I was a naïve conservative girl living in a very open minded city. You can imagine how that feels…still being the outsider.

Between 2004 and 2006 I continued to run up credit card debt, started to sleep around, and generally begin my downward slide. I was trying different anti-depressants and even tried to see a shrink but nothing was helping me. I contracted HPV and went through several procedures to remove cancerous cells from my cervix due to my promiscuity.

I met someone online in late 2005 and he immediately pushed us into a relationship and I moved in within 5 months. After 1.5 years of always being wrong and stupid, he began sleeping with someone else but was accusing me of it. I became crazy with jealousy and snooped all over to find the proof that HE was cheating and when I found it, he denied it and made me believe I was crazy and making it all up.

I took a leave of absence from my job for 5 weeks to come home and get therapy. I wasn’t eating, sleeping, crying all the time and was like that for months. This was my first breakdown. I still hate him to this day and wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.

Once I moved back to the Chicago area, I again began dating/sleeping around as a means to feel worthy/wanted. I was also still fighting the lingering effects of my HPV and the shame I felt.

In 2009, I met a wonderful guy that had his shit together and I moved in with him 6 months later. My family liked him and he was a balance to my high-strung, worrisome ways. However, I again became the Mom and took care of the house and all the cleaning. He would come home, pop open a beer, and drink till he passed out. He never missed a day of work though….he was a functional alcoholic. He wasn’t mean, abusive, or evil in any way. He was just there. While with him, my work life began to crumble and I was becoming more and more anxious. I would have depressive episodes more frequently where I just couldn’t get out of bed. (these episodes started in 2003). There would be days that I just laid in bed crying and he had no idea how to help. He suggested that I leave my job as the stress was getting to me and I was coming home crying and almost violent with rage. I left my job in May 2010 and took the summer off (I had saved up). I got a job in late October and was let go in Jan. 2011. It was then that I began to look out of state for a job and that’s when I landed in Ohio. He was supposed to sell the house and come with me after a 6 month trial but that never happened. It was a good thing because I had fallen out of love with him before I even left Chicago. He treated me like a queen and I have no ill words for him…we just weren’t compatible in the long run. We became good friends instead of lovers.

Shortly after my breakup, I went online again to meet new people as my new job was nothing but new college grads or established soccer Mom/Dads that had never left the Dayton area. Once again, I’m a transplant that doesn’t fit in. I also quickly discover that my job is a dead-end and a VERY poorly run department with nothing but drama. One year and 5 months into the new job, I meet Jamie*. He wasn’t tied to Dayton and neither was I. I was actually looking for a job in England by this time. He was a frequent mover and was passing through his home state. We didn’t expect to meet each other and find what we wanted. It just sort of happened.

Jamie was very open about being ex Air Force with head injuries, epilepsy, and Bipolar. I didn’t shun…I began to ask questions and do research on it. I wanted to know all I could so that I could be supportive and understanding. We had similar taste in music, politics, TV shows. He was so interesting to me with his travels and stories. He (just like my 1st ex in Chicago) was a completely different world and I was starving to hear all I could. I began watching more of his TV interests, reading more about what he would talk about etc…again; I was diving into HIS life. Things were rocky because our communication was rough to begin with. Lots of misunderstandings and I was still looking for another job. However, it only took me 3 months to fall completely in love with him. In August of 2013, I had severe withdrawal from 2 missed doses of my antidepressant. I was crying uncontrollably, shaking, hallucinating, suicidal and generally in a bad way. He took care of everything…called the Dr., my work. It was then that I was certain I had found a keeper. I also began therapy at this time because the withdrawal scared me and I had to face up to the fact that something else was wrong. It was at this time that the term bipolar was 1st brought up to me. He claimed Lithium as his savior…my family insisted I wasn’t bipolar, just depressed.

Soon after this episode, I was offered a job in Kansas City but with my recent breakdown, I didn’t feel mentally up to a move and starting a department from scratch. I didn’t have the self esteem then (and still don’t) and he wasn’t interested in moving with me. We had a terrible fight and things ended. He left the country for 6 weeks and I went back to “dating” while he was away.

When he came back, it was Thanksgiving and I had him over to meet my Mom because he had no family around here (none that he was close to). We had a great time and after that, it was like our relationship/communication just flipped. We were getting along and everything was wonderful. Around Christmas time, we began again as a couple.

Anytime he was sick, I was there to help…anytime he wanted, I gave him space. I did all I knew to be supportive of his conditions. I was tracking what meds he could/couldn’t take so that someone had a record. He was a loner and often stated how his friends never cared/took an interest in his life or his condition. It was at this time that I stopped therapy. I didn’t feel I was getting anywhere and she was beginning to push “faith” on me.

Then in July 2014, his ex step daughter was getting married and he asked me to go. She asked me to be her personal attendant. I left a business trip early to go be with him and help her. This was the first “family” member that was really close to him that I was meeting and I thought it was a good sign. He went in a few days earlier and was under a lot of stress to get her situated and caught up on housework (she’s not a home-maker, he is very orderly). His sleeping was off and I could tell that he was getting ready for a seizure any time. On our way back to the airport to leave after the wedding, he was telling a story while we were eating in Panera. I was having a hard time following him because he was confusing some names and he became very agitated and began screaming at me. This was the first time I had become the target. He threatened to leave me in Iowa and called me a fucking bitch. I was hysterical with sadness and called my Mom and she was scared and wanted me to just stay away from him. We didn’t speak until 4 days later because I didn’t know where we stood.

He was my absolute best friend and I felt like I could actually be myself for once. I was able to let go of the guard and not feel judged all the time for saying whatever was on my mind. It could be hateful, racist, and he would just laugh…I didn’t feel threatened.

In August, as we were getting back on track, he announced that he was looking at houses in Florida (he also decided to stop his Lithium). He wanted to be near water and warm weather (his mood was affected by weather). Thing is, he never asked me to go with him, what I thought about the move…nothing. He asked me about the houses he was looking at but not in a way that was planning a future for “us”. It was all about him. At this point, I was having major ups and downs and was dealing with a decision of whether to have a procedure to help some period issues I was having. If I did the surgery, then kids were never going to be in my future. With him having had a vasectomy, I wasn’t bothered because we weren’t going to have kids anyway.

His move was coming up and after telling him I loved him and wanted to go with him, he wouldn’t definitively say Yes or No to my joining him so I was confused and living in limbo. I made him promise not to move before my surgery in October. He ended up leaving a week before and 2 days after my surgery, I was on a business trip to L.A.

I spoke with him briefly during that trip but I was all over the place in meetings and was dealing with some complications from the surgery. When I got back, I got immediately ill for 2 weeks with bronchitis. I completely lost my voice and was off of work. I was depressed beyond anything before. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment and told me goodbye via email. I literally couldn’t speak… I wouldn’t eat, shower, slept all the time (when I could stop coughing). I was missing so much work and didn’t care. Thanksgiving came and went and that’s when I called my Dad and told him I couldn’t cope anymore and needed help. At the beginning of December 2014, he drove up to help me put a plan together. He was also very sick with a head cold and although I was getting my voice back, I was still coughing a lot.

Jamie and I were emailing a bit during this time and he let it slip that he was going back to Europe once again for the holidays. His ex’s family is family to him and he was going back to see them again because they were “begging” him….whatever.

This sent me over the edge and while my Dad was sleeping in my room, I crawled into a ball on my steps, cried hard and decided I had enough. I grabbed all the pills I could find and researched what dosage I could take to make me die. I wrote my wishes on a note, took a mixture of Percocet and a muscle relaxer and went to sleep. It didn’t work and I woke up to my Dad in my kitchen. I slurred that he needed to get me to the hospital or I was going to swallow the rest of the pills.

I felt nauseous and staggered to the sink when I passed out. I awoke to a cop over me asking me if I was trying to hurt myself.  I was hospitalized, then sent to a MI ward for 3 days and immediately started seeing a Nurse Practitioner and Therapist. (I begged for a Psychiatrist).  Jamie called me while I was in the hospital ICU and I admitted to what I did. It seems like it was all about him but everything that has been going in since 1999 was leading up to this.

7 months later, my ex from D.C. has disappeared just like he did in 2000. No explanation or anything…just gone. I confided in him about Jamie and my suicide attempt in December. He promised to be my friend and help me through it. I even scheduled an all day layover to spend with him in February of 2015 but again, he is just gone.

After going to spend 10 days with James in March 2015, I was feeling good about being friends. We were intimate yes but I made it very clear why I was sleeping with him. He had begun dating someone. He doesn’t understand why I can’t bear to hear about him fucking someone new.

Therapy with a “grief counselor” got me nowhere…it wasn’t about my past and patterns, it was all about grieving a break-up to her.

I quit my job in June 2015 because I couldn’t keep it together….my meds worsened my anxiety to the point where I couldn’t sit and concentrate. I ended up in the ER earlier that June because of the reaction to my BP meds. I’d had 1 good week in 10 months and felt worthless, alone, and fake the rest of the time.

 I spent a year living with my Dad, jobless and trying to regroup. It started out with the all day sleeping, not eating, just miserable. Slowly I began to emerge after a change in my meds. Almost a year to the day, I moved back home to be closer to a larger support system.

 It’s now August 2017 and although I am functioning much better, it’s like December 2014 and everything before and everything I told my friend and family wasn’t ever said.

 If I told my family I had XYZ cancer, I’m sure they would research it. Telling them that I am BP II falls on deaf ears. It’s not a disease that is treated by your regular doctor, it’s not something like a cold. It’s EVERYDAY and it’s ALL THE TIME-Chronic! But it’s easy to forget about because if you’re smiling then everything is OK! I continue to be fake and out of place. And although it’s not cancer, it’s just as deadly.

 *Names were changed

[thetherapygamer]

My Dream Job

What if you Could energetically create anything in life to happen to you and and those around you?

     Today, was quite surreal. I was scheduled to start at the Local Walmart at the start of the next week on the Cap 2 Team at about $11/Hr maybe 14 hours a week starting and no benefits be as it was a part time position. I was dreading it. I had just moved to Sumter from Central Idaho, where I worked at a Walmart doing Asset Protection for $15.50/Hr 40+ hours a week, and a few benefits that where taken out of my check each week like Vision/Dental, Health and so on. I didn't want this kind of work anymore in my life. It was draining me. I wasn't able to use my 8+ years of Massage Therapy Training that for the last year, was used just a few hand fulls of times on family and loved ones. I felt as if my very soul was caged up and tied down. Restricted from achieving its full potential and do what I am Passionate about. I knew that i had to find something else that allowed me to be an LMT and that gave me the time that I need to also continue to work on my Photography and YouTube content that as kept me sane throughout some pretty emotionally trying times over the last few years.

      But I digress. Today started off with an interview about 2 hours South, in a town Called Summerville. I packed up my trusty black backpack for a day trip, grabbed my camera bag, and hopped in the car. Before I left the driveway, as I do Every day, I Verbally said to my self, " I Create The Possibility for Myself Today, that the Job I want to present itself to me today! I Create The Possibility for myself Today, to create Godly possibilities in my life!" and repeated each 3 time each, mentally forcing myself to believe these things would happen today without excuse. It was 8:30 Am.  The position was for a Photography company, for an opening in their studio taking Senior Photos/ Portraits and such, starting at about $10/Hr. They would train me in using all of the Pro Equipment, lighting, posing my clients, and I would be able to travel! So I figured, why not give this a shot, learn some things in the trade. Far Better sounding to me then wasting my life away in a Walmart Super Center slaving away 40+ hours a week conformed to a corporation that treats their associates like robotic drones. Doing Asset protection for Walmart just for 7 months alone gave me a form of PTSD that's preventing me from ever being able to shop at those stores ever again! And the anxiety of working in a position that company policy forced me to just sit by and let them walk out with stolen property, bugged the crap out of me.

     Anywho, I showed up for the interview at the Photography Studio about 30 min. early, so i could fill out the paperwork and chat for abit. After that short conversation, I had the job, and all I had to do was wait for the company to finish the background check in the next couple days. As I walked out of the little studio, I saw a Real Estate Office directly across the street called Southern Shores Real Estate Group.  I've been looking for a way to get into doing Real Estate Photography for quite some time, and immediately had the thought that I needed to go into this place and at least introduce myself. So, as I jumped over the curb, I landed on a small step and lost my balance for a moment, causing me to stumble into the busy oncoming traffic where a rather close truck fired off his horn as I recovered, quickly retreating back to the sidewalk. After I safely made it across the crosswalk, and to the small office.

     I walked into quite a cozy work-space with only one person behind the desk and kind of a scruffy looking man talking to the associate. This man at the desk in front of me that was inquiring about getting work with some agents doing repairs on houses, so I waited quietly a few steps back and casually looked at the photos on the wall. They all seemed like photos that you would see pre-sold with frames at a home decor store. But not tacky. They fit the style of the room well enough to distract me abit. After the grungy man handed the lady some Business cards, he said his farewell and walked past me and out the front door. Laurie Way -Office Manager, was the name and position of this lovely woman. I introduced myself, stating, " My name is Cory Jones, and I'm a new local Photographer. I'm interested in doing some Real Estate photo work, and getting to know some others that do the same in the area to kinda get into the scene. Can I pick your brain abit about what you like to see when you have Photographers take shots for your house's, usual standard cost per house and such?" Laurie responded very energetically saying that she would love to help me out! In short time frame of the conversation we shared, I learned that a good base starting rate would be $100 -$200 per house. Of course depending on the size of the house, editing time and such. Then she suggested that using a Wide angle lens will help the house look bigger and finally mentioned that making the lines even, so the house doesn't look crooked. She then offered to share my name and business cards with the others in the office to help get my name out there! After a short time of more casual conversation, I thanked her for helping me get to the bottom so some of these hidden gems of information that we're usually stuck behind a Paywall online from all of these " Masters of the Industry" kinda thing, and headed back out to my car.  

     You would think that after a successful interview, and creating the possibility of getting into an area of work that i am very interested in, would be all that could happen to a guy in a single day. Nope. 

     I was also suppose to be up north in Columbia with my uncle D. C. Max Collins, to help him out at the office with some patients for the afternoon. So after i was able to find the right road heading to Columbia, (why is there not an easily to find freeway in South Carolina by the way?! I mean really.. It took me forever to find a straight road going in one direction!) I gave him a call to let him know i was on my way. He even gave me an out, saying that he knew i had been driving all day, and if I wanted to help out another day, then that was totally fine. I immediately responded , saying that I needed to surround myself with empowering individuals today, that I wanted to help heal some people, and that I was about an hour away. I'll be there soon. When I arrived, I was greeted with this image of the front of his office. 

     As soon as I stepped foot inside the front door, the Energy that I was presented with was nothing short of that which creates Godly possibilities. Now, what I mean by "Godly" has nothing to do with the religious side of its direct interpretation. More so of what comes to my mind when I think of it. I use it for the representation of its insinuated level of Power over creation. Healing. Peace. By verbally creating my own Godly Possibilities in my life, it reverses the polarity on the mental constraints that I've placed over myself over the decades of living in the fantasy world crippling depression that I created for myself. This allows me to overcome that "false reality" of a prison and frees my mind to be able to dwell in a non toxic world/ environment so that I can find and become the Powerful individual that I want to be. This is my own interpretation of the meaning of the word. 

     I spent the afternoon working alongside of Max, interacting with each of the Patients, and learning about how he does his work. At the end of the day, we where chatting over some Grapefruit, Avocado, Cayenne pepper and Sesame Seaweed ( the best snack on the planet by the way!) and He told me that he would love to get me in the office full time to help out and grow the business. That I would be able to Utilize my 8+ Years of Massage Therapy and Rehabilitation Training, and I would also be able to help them digitally document all of the success stories tied to the office as he travels around the world to help and heal.

    This would also allow me to be able to continue to do what I'm passionate about with Photography, and Creating videos on YouTube as well. This Offer blew my mind. I then found myself talking to the Owner Boss Lady. After a brief interview, she asked me what would my expected salary to start would need to be. My response was abit shaky to be honest. No one had ever asked me what I wanted to be paid to work for them before. I was flat out honest with her and said, " I need to generate $1,500 atleast per month to cover my living cost, but Max would be more knowledgeable on my worth to you." She smiled and went to discuss things with Max. After a few minutes, Max came into the kitchen where I was sitting, and told me that they would be making sure that they would take care making sure that I would be "Comfortable" and help me get back on my feet to ease the transition.   I Start Monday.

     The Moral of this story, if that is what we want to call it, could simply be that you just need to Create your own success in your head, then verbalize them to yourself and the Universe, before things can align in the proper frequency in your personal life, and then become a reality. But creating this situation was definitely alot more paddling under the water that lead up to this phenomenal day. Last year, while living in Idaho, I took a trip to South Carolina with my Mother and youngest Sister.  Check out that Vlog Set HERE. On this trip, I set in motion the communication with the people that I needed to making this magnificent opportunity into motion. I moved to South Carolina in the middle of June, taking a complete shot in the dark with 3 friends i've had for over 20 years. We moved into a run down house next to an Air Force base. And while 2 of them worked, I focused exclusively on my photography and social media presence. 3 days every week, I was submitting 25 Resumes a day, slowly branching out to everything within a 1.5 hour drive time radius for jobs in Massage, Photography, for chiropractors and everything that I didn't want as well. I placed all of my energy into what my heart knew what I was passionate about. And now, 5 weeks later it's all coming together. Yes, all things in life will happen when they are meant to. But, if we take the time and energy to just... Focus our intentions abit better.  While maintaining the proper levels of integrity in our lives with EVERYONE that we interact with on a day to day basis, I find that the Universe is definitely more willing to give us what we want, if we just articulate it with intent, and confidence.  

[cyclinglegs]

I’m back.

14 days in France, 10 days with Unique Cycling Tours, and 4 days by my lonesome in Annecy.

6 hours from Geneva to Doha. A 20 hour stopover in Doha. 13 hours to Adelaide. We are a very long way away.

Climbing some epic mountains:

Mont Ventoux

Alpe d’Huez

Glandon/Croix de Fer

Telegraphe

Galibier

Plus other rides across some superb countryside and through some amazing old villages in stunning Provence and the Rhone-Alpes.

My vocabulary cannot provide justification to my amazement of riding across this stunning country.

_______________________________

Before i get further into my experiences, I want to put something out there.

I’m thinking of doing a cycling trip next year to Italy.

Dolomites, Bormio, Lake Como??? I haven’t given it too much thought. 

BUT – Is there any interest among my readers to get a Wednesday Legs cycling tour together for winter next year?

Based on my experience with the Unique Cycling Tours team, I would have no hesitation in using them if we can get a Wednesday Legs group together.

I am not fixed on  the specifics, and more than happy to enter into dialogue if there is an interest.

Send me an email and we’ll see where it goes. No immediate rush, I’ll be asking the question for another several months. But if we can get 5 – 7 responses, we can look to lock something in with George at UCT.

_____________________________________________________________________

  So, my experiences. Please forgive the length of this posting, a lot of photos.  Tgere is probably too much to take in with the one visit, so feel free to jump in and out at your leaisure.

The 3rd part of my trip where i travelled by myself to Annecy will be included in the next Wedneday Legs posting.

This tour promised to be a spectacular introduction to cycling on the continent, and it certainly didn’t disappoint.

The Unique Cycling Tours part of my holiday had us staying in Seguret in Provence for the first 5 days, then transitioning down to Allemond at the base of the Glandon in the French Alpes for the next 5 days. Excuse my cartographic skills below, but 1represents the first half of the UCT tour, 2 is the second half, and 3 represents the few days I had by myself before i flew back to Adelaide.

The tour started with

Sporting Director and Tour Leader – George Wilson

Super Domestique and chief wise-arse – Steve Sanders

Team photographer and blogger (Beardys Caravan) Marcus “Beardy McBeardy” – Only for the Provence section

Team chef/Yorkshireman/Hardman on the road- Chris Heeson – Chef on the Provence section, then team rider for the Alpes.

Ferg “Did I mention the time that I ” Frog – using this tour as a boot camp for his attack on the Melbourne race series.

The Director “of video selfies” – Richie

Jedi Yoga master – Ed

Super Lantern Rouge – Ian “did someone mention a picnic” Pibworth.

A few comments about my trip and observations before I start with the travelogue:

My goals were to finish each ride, not in any record pace, but at a pace that would see me comfortably finish that days and all other days riding.

I was going to take as many photos as possible on the bike, and whilst I kept this up, I found that every turn had another classic photo opportunity – when do you stop?

Eat, Eat, Eat. This was a cycling holiday, and therefore fuelling was of paramount importance to ensure we got to the end.

Listen to the body. 9 days of cycling was going to place unknown demands on the body.

Chill out when you can – if that means taking a 10 minute stop to have a picnic – so be it.

As a general rule, the French do not make good coffee.

As a general rule, the Belgiums make excellant beer.

Look around you, you never know if/when you will be back.

Part 1 – Provence

Day 1 – Transfer from the airprt to Segulat

We all met early outside the NH Hotel at the Lyon Airport, packed the van and trailer, and jumped out on the autoroute, first stop Bedoin at the base of Mont Ventoux where we were to get rubber down on a warm-up ride on day 1.

Accommodation was a 30km ride away from Bedouin skirting Mont Ventoux, but the sight of the famous rock on our right shoulder provided a teaser for the next days challenge. The main ascent of the 3 up Mont Ventoux starts in the historic old town of Bedoin, so a perfect start to our tour.

It was good to see the bike arrived safely, and didn’t take too long to build, with a little help from Steve on the rear derailer.

The short ride had us passing through the town of Mallecene, the start of the Mont Ventoux ascent from the opposite side to Bedoin.

The accommodation in Provence was a superb villa built into the side of a hill at the top of a short but very steep driveway, overlooking the plains of Provence. An infinity pool provided very welcome relief at the end of each days rides as Europe was experiencing a heat wave.

Dinner in Provence was provided by Chef Chris whose effort to ride long and hard and then to put a superb dinner on the table became the stuff of legends. Chris is a “retired” chef teaching down at TAFE, and has a small catering business on the side.

A briefing each evening was facilitated by George. Day 1’s briefing had George walking us through the ascents of Mont Ventoux using his local knowledge and the mapping app ride with gaps. The challenge had been put out there to the team well before the tour started, 3 ascents of Mont Ventoux. Beardy, Ferg and Richie were to tackle the triple ascent. Ed and Chris the two, and the rest of us the one.

Strava route for day 1 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1037840518

Day 2 – Mont Ventoux

Waking up to glorious views over the valley, the triple team set off early, with plans for the remainder to meet them in Bedouin for a coffee after their first ascent. The heat was building up quick, and by the time we hit Bedouin it was already climbing up towards 30 degrees.

Bedouin was awash with Belgiums who had arrived en-mass to celebrate Eddie Merckx birthday. Apparently the Belgiums have claimed Mont Ventoux as their “own”, and each year festivities are held in the towns and villages around Mont Ventoux, with numerous sportive climbs planned for the Saturday. So Bedouin was abuzz with cyclists of all ages and sizes.

Mont Ventoux is one of the the hardest of all the Tour de France climbs. The mountain claimed the life of the great English cyclist Tom Simpson, who died here on July 13th 1967 from a combination of a stomach upset, heat exhaustion, alcohol and amphetamines.

There is a memorial to Tom 1.5 km from the summit which has become a shrine to fans of cycling.

The ascent from Bedoin is the classic way up the mountain. The length of the climb from Bedoin at 300m asl to the summit at 1912m is 21.5km . This gives an elevation of 1612m and an average gradient of 7.5%. This doesn’t sound too bad but when you break the climb down into its 3 obvious sections, with the first 5.5 km being a sedate 4.4% average gradient.

The next section through the forest up to Chalet Reynard is 9.5km long with an average gradient of over 9%, some sections hovering around 11% and 12%. I struggled up this section big time. I was never not going to get there, but coming from the cold Adelaide winter to this heat wave, together with time zone difference adjustment still a few days away had me wondering what I had got myself in for.  I had put in some big training efforts over a few months, but an expected workload increase saw little time on the bike, and I felt it on that climb.

Fortunately Steve was there to help. Riding with me up a good portion of the climb to Chalet Reynard and up to the summit, providing moral support, keeping me focused and making sure I stopped at Chalet Reynard for a break.

The last 6km from Chalet Reynard has a gradient around 7%, but is more exposed. Apart from the temperature, we were extremely fortunate because the wind was gusting at a relatively sedate 20 – 30kmh. The following day, the day the Belgiums were climbing Ventoux from all sides turned out to be a particularly nasty day, high temperature s and very high winds.

If you cast your mind back to last year, the TdF Mont Ventoux stage was meant to finish on the summit, but impossibly windy conditions had the finish brought back down to Chalet Reynard.

A quick stop at the Simpson Memorial before tacking the last 1.5km at 10% before cresting.  What a ride, what a day, what a view.

Chappeau to the guys who rode the double and triple climbs of Ventoux. An amazing feat.

Strava route for Day 2 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1039650729

Day 3 – Village loop.

It all started beautifully, a civilised 9am start, the first 10 kms a lovely gentle descent, wandering through numerous old villages on the way to St Didier, where we stopped for a coffee and a quick walk around town.

The ride back to the Villa in Seguret turned a little shite. The fabled winds of Provence picked up and we ended up slogging our way back uphill and fighting head and cross winds. The group splintered into 3, with me and my best mate Steve Saunders, who stayed behind to help me finish, bringing up the rear.

A brutal end, but an mother unforgettable ride through the villlages and vineyards of Provence.

One observation in the first few days was the absence of bananas. A staple diet for cyclists in Australia, the lack of Bananas seemed strange in a Cycle mad part of the world.

Until we caught a glimpse of bananas in a stall in one of the villages we passed through on the way out. The Saturday morning village market was small, with around 15 stalls, but the quality of produce was superb, it had our resident chef Chris salivating.

A bunch of Bananas, and a bag of ripe juicy apricots later had us back on our way.

A lovely coffee in the Main Street of St Didier sitting under the tree canopies watching the village life pass us by was very pleasant.

Memories, too many to jot down here, but being served by a young friendly waitress, only to see her a few minutes later jump onto a scooter with a full face motocross helmet and gun it across the road stood out.

Strava route for Day 3 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1040643210

Day 4 – Gorge de la Nesque

The next day had us waking to yet another glorious morning, the wind had died down presenting us with a promise of a superb days riding conditions.  Today’s ride had us heading through some more character laden villages and typical french countryside over to the spectacular Gorges de la Nesque.

The Gorges de la Nesque is a 17.6 km ride, but averaging at around 2.2%, it was a relatively “relaxing” ride to allow us to spin the legs out, although that didn’t seem to stop the other guys, who quickly disappeared on the horizon. Steve held himself back to ride with me – superb views over the right shoulder as we slowly ascended to the lookout.

After regrouping back at the village at the start of the Gorges, we headed across to Bedoin for lunch, and then back to the Villa.

Strava route for Day 4 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1042691649

Day 5 – Riders Choice.

The body was starting to feel a little sore. My arse. Ouch.  Beardy, Ferg, Richie and Ed split into two groups and did different ascents of Mont Ventoux. Chris, George, Steve decided to clean up and head down to the Roman Village for a coffee before our transition phase tomorrow.

Me, I headed out to do some sightseeing – on the bike of course. A discussion with George last night had a few alternatives that I could tackle depending on how the body held up.

The local town Seguret is built into the side of a step hill/cliff, old, cobbled roads, amazing.

A quick look around Sablet before cruising over to Vaison La Romaine. A local tribe established a small village on top of a rocky promontory, which grew into a village across the other side of the river, connected by an arched cobbled bridge. A meander around a surprisingly large town before a coffee in the square.

Next stop was Crestet, another historic town built a few hundred metres above the plains. I initially wanted to look at this town, but the road continued through and up into natural bushland, so what’s a man to do but to carry on riding up following the road to its natural paved ending.

Next stop, Malsuscene for a lunch of Quiche and Sausage roll from the patisserie before I looped back around towards the Villa, via a stunning climb up to Suzette.

  All up, what was meant to be a cruisy day ended up a 73km ride with 1400m of climbing.

A few of us popped up to the old village for a walkaround.

Strava route for Day 5 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1044057197

My heat map for the Provence stage of the trip

Part 2 – Rhone Alps

  Day 6 – Transition to the Alpes

We transitioned over to the French Alps after dropping Beardy McBeardy off in Carpentras for his next gig before his TdF duties.

The hotel we were staying at is about a few hunj metres from the dam wall, the start of the Glandon/Croix der Fer (Iron Cross) climb.

A quick settling in before we popped out for a ride up to Villard Reculas, with its 7 hairpins before passing over through the Col de la Confessions before dropping down to Huez, the old town halfway up the famous Alpe d Huez climb. The views from the Confession down onto the valley some 700m above the valley floor below were outstanding. (The next day we got to look up at Huez and the road from Reculas, the road at Col de la Confessions was carved into the side of the sheer exposed rock face of the mountain, unbelievable).

Looking down onto Huez from Col de la Confessions

A quick drink at a cafe in Huez before backtracking back to our hotel in Allemond.

The hotel is staffed by Dutch, who in a similar manner to the Belgiums with Mont Ventoux, have effectively laid claim to Alp de Huez as their own. No air conditioning to provide comfort in this heat wave had some unsettled nights, but on a positive note, the beer was good. A surprise at this hotel was the 7 Euro lunch (pasta) and laundry deal each day, Kit washed each evening, returned by 8, and pasta lunch thrown in, bargain. Pasta was quite simple, but the pasta bar was open till around 4:30 in the afternoon so we were able to get back in good time most days.

Strava route for Day 6 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1045816503

Day 7 – Glandon/Croix de Fer

As for all days, George opened up the ride options to the group for discussion. The double Glandon was targeted by Richie, Ed, Ferg and George. These guys are animals. Me, I was going to be happy with the Col de la Croix de Fer (Pass of the Iron Cross).

The Col de la Croix de Fer is a spectacular. At 27.5 km long at an average gradient of 4.7% doesn’t sound much, but there are some downhill sections, made up with some particularly steep 11% sections. The bottom takes you through forested land with waterfalls and beautiful snatches of views up through the valley as you slowly ascend up towards the dam 2/3 of the way up. Once you hit the dam, it the valley opens right up allowing you to see almost all the way up to the summit.

Just past the dam I stopped for a quiet relaxing “picnic” of a Nutella and apricot jam baguette I’d prepared in the morning. Shoes off, socks off, jersey off, bib straps down, sitting in the middle of nature looking up at the snow capped granite mountain peaks, listening to the waterfalls and smelling the grease mountain air – this is the life.

Alas, I had to get back on the bike to finish off the ride to the top, back down to the turnoff to the Glandon summit, all of a couple of hundred metres before gliding back down to the cafe at the turnoff to catch up with Steve who had for the first time  driven the van up to support the riders.  The previous night George had highly recommended the tart of the day at this cafe, and ask for Chantil cream. For some reason, we saw a lot of canned cream in cafes over in France, particularly on top of the cappuccinos, but you need to ask for Chantil cream – real dairy cream.  Blueberry tart was the tart of the day, a generous serving with blueberry flavoured cream, an excellent suggestion George.

The descent back down to Allemond was brilliant, but over way too fast. We did hit a lot of road works today as they prepared the road for Stage 17 of the TdF – La Mure to Serre-Chevalier – 183km, 5,421m total climbing as they take on the Croix de Fer, Telegraph and Galibier.  The route will take them past the front door of our hotel in Allemont – S on the below map.

Strava route for Day 7 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1047249292

Day 8 – Alpe d’Huez.

This was the stage everyone was waiting for.

21 hairpins

In case you wonder, the numbering starts at the top, so the first No you see on your ascent is 21

Strava route for Day 8 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1048771839

Day 9 – Telegraphe / Galibier.

Only to follow it up with another classic of the TdF, the Telegraphe/Galibier. We were riding on the mountains where cycling history was made. As George said, if your cycling juices don’t flow up the Galibier, then nothing will.

  The Telegraphe was a pretty bog standard warm up climb.

But the Galibier, that was just out of this world.  The highest road passage in France at 2600m, riding up though the jagged peaks, With snow dotted around here and there is an experience I will never forget.

Riding along the Valley, looking up towards the bleak dark snow capped peaks was pretty awe inspiring. Being overtaken by countless high performance sports cars was pretty special. Stopping at the bottom of the start of the steep climb with 8.5km to reach the Col was just mind blowing.

The view from the top of the Galibier looking down the other side was stunning.

The Omlette and chips lunch 8 km down the other side was well received.

And the 60km descent on the other side wasn’t bad either.

Strava route for Day 9 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1050357544

Day 10 – Balconies

Last day, and a fairly cruisy ride with a “bit of climbing”.  Part way of Huez before taking a right at the fifth turn and riding across the “Balkans”, a road “dug” into the side of the cliff. Once again, the views back down onto the valley onto Le Borg d’ Oisans were astounding.

We then popped back to Le Borg d’ Oisans for a coffee and a chat about where to next. The options were a long 12% climb up to Villard-Notre-Dame Lafond through a tunnel, or a slightly easier ride to Le Plan du Col. Being the last ride, we chose the latter.

We finished off with lunch back in Le Borg d’ Oisans, and alas, the official tour for this group was over.

After lunch, I went for a little ride around the top of Allemond.

  Unfortunately i forgot to charge my bike computer the night before, so my strava map is a tad short.

Strava Ride for Day 10 – https://www.strava.com/activities/1051875853

  Wrap up.

This was for me a challenging but very rewarding cycling trip. Seeing and riing on the roads and up the mythical climbs of Ventoux, Gaibier and Alpe d’ Huez seemed dreamlike. You couldn’t wipe the smile off my face on completing these climbs.

Riding through the old villages of France, stopping at the markets, dropping into cafes and just chilling and experiencing life abroad with a great bunch of guys was relaxing and mesmerizing.

I realize that this was only scratching the surface of cycling on the continent, but the joy and wonderment of this tour with Unique Cycling Tours, I’ve come to the realisation that this itch cannot be soothed with just this one scratch.

To that end, I’d like to thank the guys who formed the small team. Ferg, Ed, Ritchie, Chris and Marcus. It was an absolute pleasure sharing the road with you.

And finally to the Unique Cycling Tours team, George Wilson (right in the below picture) and Steve Sanders (left), thanks for your support and guidance throughout.  Two wonderful staging points in Seguret and Allemond.  A well organised and enjoyable tour. Your local experience, including an intimate uderstanding of the weather conditions lessened our concerns and let us focus on enjoying the rides.

Steve and George on top of Huez

  One bit of warning about George though – when George says there is a wee bit of climbing, be prepared for some more hard slogging.

If anyone wants to speak to me about my experiences, or are looking for some tips about travelling overseas with your bike, all it will take is a good cup of coffee and a chocolate doughnut or a zepolli.

Cheers

  till next time

tight spokes

iPib

Cycle Touring with Unique Cycle Tours I'm back. 14 days in France, 10 days with Unique Cycling Tours, and 4 days by my lonesome in Annecy.

[anonymousinatx]

I Afraid of Those Ghosts

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Let’s get one thing clear:

Ghosting SUCKS!

I have a few friends who have been married for years. They never did online dating so they’re not familiar with the process or the common terms we use. You may fall into this category so you don’t know what ghosting is. Sadly, ghost used to be a noun. Nowadays - it’s a verb. In a nutshell…

Personally, I think there are levels of ghosting. It’s not a thing - it’s just something I’ve experienced in my years of dating. And I added ratings to show how much they suck.

Level 1 - A guy messaged you then you reply. Then, no response from him. This is understandable and easy to shrug off. We get so busy and I have so many messages going that I honestly sometimes forget about them. It can be annoying, especially if you asked them a question they didn’t answer. Here’s an example: 

Suckiness rating - 0.25 mehs

Level 2 - You exchange a few messages, chat for a bit and want to meet. So you try to pick a day and place to have your first date, but it doesn’t happen. Someone just doesn’t follow up and the conversation tapers off. Below is an exchange I had with a guy who always failed to confirm if the day I suggested worked for him:

Suckiness rating - 0.5 mehs

*Suckiness rating if you have their cell # - 1.5 mehs 

*FYI - I did have this guy’s cell # and we went back and forth for a while. He was pretty flaky and the date did not happen.

Level 3 - Success! You have a date. You meet up, have drinks or dinner. Sometimes the date is awesome, sometimes it’s the worst or it falls in-between. The suckiness will vary, depending on how the date went. It’s important to be honest and tell them if you are or are not interested in another date. (See my first post “No Dick Pics” from Sept. 20 for an example). If you aren’t interested, DO NOT tell them “Let’s do this again sometime" just because you’re too nervous to say the truth. (Remember Chandler from “Friends” who kept saying this to a woman he didn’t want to date?) I’ve been on plenty of dates where he said he wanted to see me again. Then, POOF! He suddenly disappears. At this level YOU NEVER hear back from them. At all. It’s a date then nothing. This is unless you sent them a follow-up message and they don’t reply. Some of my friends say they won’t do this because the guy needs to send the first message after the date. But, if he spent money and you thought it went well, go for it and send a message. You don’t even need to ask about going out again. Just say thanks. If he doesn’t reply, oh well. 

Suckiness rating (if you didn’t feel anything) - 0 mehs

Suckiness rating (if you felt a spark ) - 3 mehs

Suckiness rating (if he said he wanted to go out again then ghosts) - 1 big ugh

Level 4 - You had a date. He said he had a good time. You had a good time. You message him after the date. He replies. Or vice versa. You message back and forth. Then it just goes away at some point. 

For this exchange below, I went on a date with this guy 2 weeks before a trip to Cabo. We talked about my trip, some of our favorite countries and his early morning workout. At the end of the date he said, “I had a lot of fun. Let’s do this again” and I said that would be nice. I texted him the next day to thank him for the drinks and he replied. Then, POOF!

Suckiness rating (if you felt a spark ) - 3 mehs because fuck that guy

Level 5 - This is the level that suuuuuuucks. You’re seeing or communicating with someone regularly. You have a first date, second, third, etc. You spend time together. You talk pretty regularly. You may or may not be serious, but there is definitely some type of relationship. 

I was once ghosted by a guy that I had been talking to for 5 months. Yes, you read that correctly. **5 months!**  Let’s call him Joe. It was long distance and we talked non-stop the entire time. Joe used to call me “baby” and “boo.” Told me that I was amazing, beautiful and had so many wonderful qualities. That I was like no girl he had met before. Joe even talked about moving to Austin. 

There was one point during this relationship when Joe didn’t hear from me for 3 hours. We would always message “good morning” and “good night” to each other. Due to the time difference (since I woke up later) I’d usually text him first. I didn’t tell him “good morning” on this particular day. I had been at a friend’s Christmas party the night before and had too much to drink. So I slept in and used some vacation time at work in the morning. He sent me a text around 11am asking, “Boo, are you there? Where’d you go?” and seemed worried because I didn’t message him that day. When I got to work, I replied to Joe on Gchat.

I thought everything was going well. He met some of my friends. He told me he wanted us to take a trip together - Mexico or Puerto Rico. He said he’d come to Austin to see me for my birthday. The dude was making plans for us! Then, Joe got a job offer in Austin, turned it down and went POOF. After 5 months!!! This asshole once freaked out when he didn’t hear from me for a couple hours then he turns around and pulls this stunt? 

This kind of ghosting, at level 5, it sucks. It sucks the big one. You developed feelings for a person. You got used to having them in your life, even in a small way. You made plans together. And, when they don’t have the courtesy or decency to end a relationship the way they started it (by investing just a bit of their time), you want to curl up in bed and cry.

So, what’s the moral of this story?

I remember, back in my teenage days of dating, when there were no cell phones or social media, it was considered bad manners to break up with someone over the phone. You were supposed to do it face-to-face and I ended quite a few adolescent relationships by a school locker. Now? Guys can’t even bother to type up a few words and tell the person they aren’t interested anymore. All this technology with cell phones, texting, emails, Facebook, etc. makes it easier to just tune out and turn off. 

Ghosting is a cowardly, selfish and inconsiderate move. 

It happens when guys cannot/don’t know how to/are too scared to address the situation. 

They don’t have the balls to be honest with you. They’re essentially doing this to make it easier on themselves and, as a result, it ends up being harder for you. 

Being ghosted on is waaaaaay worse than being broken up with. Yes, being rejected stings. But at least they told you the truth and you weren’t flat out ignored.

Next time a person breaks up with you, in your mind, you should be somewhat thankful. You take the hit, know it’s over and move on. The same thing applies if you go on a first date and they tell you they aren’t interested in another one.

Men ghost because they want you to “take a hint” and you’re left to wonder what you did to deserve being treated like this. When they don’t give you that courtesy, it makes you feel like shit. Like you were nothing. Like you don’t have feelings or (worse) your feelings didn’t matter. It leaves a hole in your gut and an anxiousness you can’t shake. You have to carry the burden of “What happened? What did I do wrong? What changed? Why would he do that?” and every other empty feeling you can imagine. You always think it’s you and if there was something you did or didn’t do. But it’s not you and you don’t deserve that feeling. The only thing you did that was wrong was investing your time and opening up to a thoughtless and narcissistic person.

I’d rather be broken up with a thousand times at level 3 or 4 than being ghosted on just once by a guy I was genuinely interested in. I can’t ever imagine cutting off someone like that so I’ll never understand how they can be so callous and just dismiss a person. No one deserves to be ignored and made to feel so insignificant.

At this level, after dates, communication, seeing each other, spending time together, etc., there is NO EXCUSE for ghosting! Absolutely none. No excuse to disappear on a person who obviously cares about you. And, no, you are NOT too busy so don’t even try that excuse (Joe liked several of my posts on social media after he ghosted. Freakin’ ridiculous, right?) When I told one of my girlfriends Joe declined the job offer in Austin and I hadn’t heard from him in weeks, she asked me:

If they were honest with you, at any point in your relationship (casual or not), they should be honest with you at the end. They have no regard for you when they should have the respect and courtesy to treat you like a human being.

Ladies - we are worthy of a man who communicates. Any dude that makes a woman desperately wait and wonder for a response is an asshole! We deserve, as a person, to receive a simple line of communication. Even if it wasn’t serious, you deserve to be told the truth. If he fails to do that, fails to give you just 15 seconds of his time to say that he doesn’t want to continue seeing you, then he’s not the guy for you. Most importantly, he doesn’t deserve you. 

We are adults. We may be busy but we make time for the people and things who matter. Clearly, we didn’t matter to them. It’s so freakin’ hard but you need to learn that they shouldn’t matter to you.

These are my own words, but I know it’s not easy and I still have a hard time grasping this. It takes time, friends and a lot of alcohol to get through it. I was devastated after Joe disappeared. Without planning it, I fell in love with him. It happened so fast that I couldn’t have stopped it, even if I had tried. I saw a future with him. I told him I loved him and I haven't said that to anyone since I was 18 years old. I became a shell of myself and a complete mess for weeks because I really fell for this guy. I sincerely thought I had finally find my person - the man I would share my life with. I’m much better now than I was a year ago but there are a few times when I feel alone and I miss him. There are less and less of these days but it occasionally happens. Some days, I hear my phone chime and I think it may be him texting me. I heard my phone trill about 40 times a day for 5 solid months - I got used to him. Sometimes, I check Gchat to see if he’s online. Then I realize he didn’t care about me and he made that clear when he disappeared. Then the memory of the pain he caused me washes over me and I feel extra vulnerable. So I call one of my friends who knows what this asshole did to me to say…

If this ever happens to you and a guy causes you this pain, you will be a roller coaster of emotions. Let it out: Cry. Bitch. Yell. Drink. One day, I promise, you will be okay. Just make sure you heal yourself. Don’t find another guy to fix you, fill that void or mask your pain.

In the long run, you’ll be better off without them. Because he isn’t the guy that you thought he was. You’ll never be able to trust a guy who could do something like this. And it is better to be on your own than with a guy who failed to recognize you as a person. 

Suckiness rating right after level 5 - 10,000 tears

Suckiness rating a few months after level 5 - 1 big screw you 

To Joe and the other men who ghost…

Joe should consider himself lucky he lives so far. And if he returns to my city, I will know. I will find out and I will find him. Yes, my sadness for Joe has turned mostly into anger. And I am okaaaay with that! :)