#before passing out and i wrote the actual post at midnight having just gotten home from work and then passed out again | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fortheloveoffanfic · 4 years ago

Text

Christmas Lights

John Wick x reader (A/n- posting two fics in one day cause my phone deleted the notification for the Christmas challenge. A/n2- this one is based on the Coldplay song Christmas Lights, and its for the lovely @toomanystoriessolittletime Christmas writing challenge. I had sooooo much fun writing this that I wrote 2 versions, though, the John Wick one won)

Masterlist

Warnings- Angst (there’s a hopeful ending, no worries.)

Winter in London was cold, but it felt even colder knowing that when he got home, she would not be there. Standing near the window in his room at the Continental, leaning on the beige wall and staring at the huge tree in the nearby square, the colorful, blinking lights taunted him with their cheer, as if to remind John that he had none, he’d given it all up when he walked out the door. If he closed his eyes right then, momentarily blocking them out, he could still see the pained look on Y/n’s face as she watched him get ready to leave again.

“It’s almost Christmas John,” she’d pleaded, her voice breaking, “Please just stay.”

The hurt in her eyes when John had brushed off her pleas, arguing that he had to take the job because the money would do them good, they were planning a wedding after all, was unmatched. And that was when Y/n broke it to him; if he left, she couldn’t promise that he’d be coming back to any wedding planning. Still though, they’d just had a fight, the worst one they’d ever had and John was so, so mad, that he’d just wanted to get out of their shared home. Maybe he could have gone to the hotel in New York, but hearing Winston tell him that he was in the wrong one was the last thing he needed, so instead, John did what came naturally to him, turned to what he usually did when he needed an outlet; he went to work.

Usually, all it took was a job and a couple days for John to clear his head before he went back to Y/n, apologized and let her take her in his arms and make everything okay again. But John knew that that time, he’d gone too far, and as he brought the remainder of his smoky bourbon to his lips, he thought back on what Y/n had had said as she followed him to the door where the taxi had waited; “If you leave tonight, then I’m leaving too.”

John hadn’t said anything, his mind playing a foolish trick and telling him that Y/n’s threat was empty; she wouldn’t leave, she loved him. They loved each other, and their love had survived so much thus far. But then he’d called her cell the next morning, to try to mend things, disappointed when she didn’t pick up, and then, even more heartbroken when he called the house, where the ringing ended with the voicemail. It had taken days after that for John to hear from Charon that Y/n had dropped off Dog at his desk along with a message for him; she’d left her key to their house, or rather, his house, there too. She had left.

Without as much as an outgoing pleasantry, John had disconnected the call, his jaw locking as tears gathered in his eyes. That wasn’t how it was supposed to go, it was just a fight, one stupid fight. All because she’d asked for one thing; for him to stay home and spend Christmas with her. All Y/n ever wanted was to be with him, the big wedding had been his idea, John’s way of trying to give her something special after she’d promised to spend her life with him.

Sniffing, John glanced at the lights again, trying not to liken the tree to the one he and Y/n had put up at home. The one in the square only served to dredge up those memories; her drunken giggle between sips of hard cider and moments putting delicate ornaments on the spruce, the way he’d lifted her up into his arms so she could put the star on top, how they’d kissed and then some after she’d slid down his body; safe in his arms.

Throwing his head back against the wall, John let his eyes slip closed for the briefest of moments as he wondered what it would take to will Y/n back into his life. Christmas was in three days and it would be the first one without her in almost five years and he’d taken to wondering if he could really call it that if she wasn’t there. It was Y/n who’d made the day something special; she’d come into his life and together, they’d made memories and traditions. Opening one present on Christmas Eve after their stroll around the neighborhood to see the lights, making hot chocolate instead of coffee on Christmas morning and spending the day buzzing around the kitchen making dinner after unwrapping the rest of their presents. If only Y/n knew that she was the only gift he needed.

With a heavy sigh, John pushed off the wall and straightened his back, giving one last glance at the lights illuminating the area around the grand tree, wishing on the glittering star at the top that the past week had been nothing but a bad dream.

Y/n rubbed her hands together, trying to generate some heat as she quickly walked up the sidewalk to a familiar apartment building in Brooklyn. She was all bundled up and though it hadn’t started snowing yet, New York’s frigid winter air was enough to have your fingers and toes icing up if you weren’t careful. She couldn’t wait to get back home that evening and just curl up in her favorite sweats after a long, hot shower. It was Christmas Eve, the first one she’d spent without John in five years, and it went without saying that his absence and the end of their relationship had thrown her for a loop; nothing seemed right anymore and without their usual traditions, the holidays seemed empty.

She missed him.

Trying to hurry up, Y/n fiddled with her hands again, that time, trying to ignore how bare her finger felt without the engagement ring she’d left behind with Charon. She’d gotten used to it, and moreover, she’d gotten used to being his fiancée. Being the only person allowed to see and care for him when he was at his worst and hold his hand when he was at his absolute best. John, the only person that she’d ever seen as the love of her life, she’d wanted so much with him, but just a week and a half ago, what Y/n wanted the most was to spend Christmas with him, the way they had every other year for the past five. But John wanted to work and even if he’d rattled off some excuse about how the money would be good for their nuptials, Y/n knew otherwise; they’d been fighting a lot lately and he wanted to get away for a while. He’d wanted to run away from the problem, instead of staying home and working things out with her.

Looking back on it, Y/n realized that she didn’t even care about the things they’d been fighting over, it was all so trifling in the scheme of things, a wedding venue, how much money was too much to spend on a caterer and where they would go after they were married. Y/n wanted to move to a place in the suburbs and John wanted to stay put. After they’d broken up though, or rather, after Y/n had broken up with him, she’d come to see that she couldn’t have cared less about any of those things, as long as she was with John, then none of it mattered.

But he was gone, and Y/n was left, walking along the cold streets of New York back to her old place, trying to come to terms with a life without him, thinking of how she’d take him back in a heartbeat if they’d found a way to work things out.

She was just a few feet away from the building when Y/n started rummaging through her handbag in search of her keys, clumsily getting the little bunch out without much effort. About to turn to start up the short flight of shallow steps, Y/n unconsciously raised her head, stumbling back slightly as a soft gasp escaped her lips in a white puff. Even if he was the person she’d wanted to see the most, he was the last she’d actually expected. Though, maybe the universe, by some wintery miracle, had decided to give her exactly what she wanted; a second chance with John Wick.

He’d taken a cab straight to the place where he’d suspected she’d be, right after making a quick pit stop at the hotel. John had booked the first non-stop flight from London to New York that he could get, all in a bid to get to Y/n before the stroke of midnight, before he could start another day without her. The plane had landed late Christmas Eve and even if it was past ten and even if he didn’t even know if she was still awake, John knew he had to try.

With his hands in his pockets, trying to combat the temperate air, John walked quickly along the barren sidewalk, passing storefronts illuminated with tiny, festive bulbs. They were proving to be as unwavering as the love that was fueling his mission and had added to the spirit that seemed otherwise absent. It hadn’t started snowing in Empire City and even if the lack of fluffy white and icy pavements dared to subtract from the holiday, white Christmases were rare in their neck of the woods. It never felt like winter without snow, just like the next day wouldn’t feel like anything special if he couldn’t convince Y/n that she was all that mattered to him. He didn’t care how they spent it, as long as they were together. If only he’d realized that before.

He was drawing nearer and nearer to the building he’d been in search of, and in his coat pocket, John’s finger brushed the cool metal of a familiar ring; the one that was made especially to be worn by her, the one that had been gone from it’s home for six days too many. If all went well, then maybe it wouldn’t have to stay warm in his pocket for much longer and maybe his heart being stitched back together would be his first present.

As he walked, John had kept his eyes straight ahead, only slowing down when a familiar figure came into sight. She was twisted awkwardly as she’d continued walking, rummaging through her handbag until Y/n produced a jingling set of keys, straightening up, only for them to come face to face. She wasn’t too far off, just a couple feet away and John thought that his hopefulness was mirrored when he matched her gaze.

Unseen to her, he closed his palm around her ring, trying to find the words as they stood there, seemingly the only two out at that late hour. Taking a chance, he finally found the courage to utter one lonesome word, “Hey.”

Y/n seemed hesitant, but eventually, with what John thought to be the first glimmers of a sad smile tugging at her paled features, “Hey.” It was just one mirrored word, but it meant so much more, it was a bridge to forgiveness, and as it left her lips, John glimpsed the first flakes of snow falling between them; white specks descending slowly, some of it getting caught in her hair, and on her clothes though most of it starting to pepper the ground.

As the snow fell for the first time that winter, the two lingered before the steps to Y/n’s apartment, realizing that, as always, they’d be finding their way back to each other.

Maybe it would feel like Christmas after all.

******

Tagging- @harrisongslimited @magnificentclodpiebanana @keandrews @greenmanalishi @rdjloverxxx @danceoftwowolves @planetkt @wheretheriversrunintothesea

#stephschristmaswritingchallenge #keanu reeves #john wick #john wick x reader #john wick x you #john wick x y/n #john wick x y/n #angst #fluff #christmas lights #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves x you #keanu reeves x y/n

44 notes · View notes

onf-headcanons · 4 years ago

Text

Alpha Jaeyoung x Omega reader

• Establishment for reader stand in below.

Setting : Alpha Jaeyoung x Omega reader, aristocrat/royalty AU, ABO soulmate AU, first meeting of fated pair, Arranged marriage, slowburn romance.

A/N : BTW its a undone fic attempt. Maybe a part 2? Idk. So heads up long post below.

• You have been living with your mother ever since you presented as an Omega. It is a family tradition. (Your sibling lives with your paternal family.)

• Your maternal side of family has this uncommon tradition if compare to other kingdoms. The head of the family is an Omega and it has been that way ever since. So once you reached coming of age, you mother starts to help you find an Alpha to be your husband candidate.

• You have been through several meetings with Alphas from other kingdoms under your mother's orders but none of them clicked with you. You don't want something of a political marriage, you want a solid connection with your partner.

• You purposely ruined the meeting by behaving weirdly so that those Alpha royals or aristocrats cancel off their idea of engaging with you.

• You mother, who is an Omega and the Head of the family persisted and arranged you to meet more Alphas but more candidates declined the offer.

• But one Duke Jaeyoung accepted the offer. Which you mother is very happy with, because the young Duke's well known reputation and his bloodline.

• (Seems like this young Duke is related with the royalty in his home country)

• Also this young duke used to study at another country. He is well loved there too!

• You saw his pictures and you thought to yourself that he is good looking too. But a small inner voice tells you he does seems familiar. You quickly brush it off thinking maybe the young duke is related to someone you met in previous arranged meetings.

• Seeing you mother looking a bit wear out because of your future, you thought this time you will behave nicely.

• So it is decided that you will be meeting Duke Jaeyoung when he visits your country as a representative of his kingdom for political allegiance purposes. He will be here for a week.

• With the help of your page, you did some research on Jaeyoung prior the meeting to happen.

• You did not get to meet him on the day he arrived for it was already midnight. Your mother was the one to welcome him. And the young Duke is staying in a grandly furnished chamber.

• The next morning, you head to your mother's quarters to greet your mother as your morning routine. And that is where the first time you meet Jaeyoung.

• He had come to greet your mother and to say his thanks towards your mother's hospitality.

• The moment he stepped into your mother's quarters for guest meeting, something unexpected happened.

• The moment you and Jaeyoung saw each other, you could feel yourself getting warm. You thought you were just being embarrassed because of how good looking he is. And also his deep soothing voice weirdly resonates with you.

• The moment he saw you, he seems surprised. But he quickly take back his composure,remained smiling and greeted his hosts nicely. You are more to the observing side while you mother small talks with the guest.

• The longer he is in the same space with you, you started picking up a unfamiliar scent. It was not unpleasant but its distracting.

• You do notice that Jaeyoung starts to look a bit restless and he keep having quick glances towards you. You mother noticed too.

• Mistaken as the young duke taken interest in you, your mother offered you two to have breakfast alone.

• But then what Jaeyoung said next took you and your mother by surprise. He declined the offer and he wished you are distanced away from him.

• Your cheeks are flushed red in anger (or maybe mixed with other emotions) because you thought he humiliated you. But before you could retort him, he continues his speech in front of your mother

• "Your grace, I am terribly sorry if this comes out in wrong way but,..."

• "I think the heir/heiress Y/N might be my fated pair and my existence is triggering them into heat now."

• Upon hearing Jaeyoung's words, your mother hurriedly turn towards you and placed her hand to your forehead. You are indeed scorching.

• You two are quickly separated and distanced. For both of your safety, you two have gotten injected with suppressants as well. Your mother declared that Jaeyoung is unwell due to the fatigue of travelling and helped him cancelled all of his scheduled visits.

• You are in confusion because you just had finish you heat cycle a week ago. Above of all, you are not going to just sit down and accept about "fated pair" that easily.

• Yes you feel that having a one true love partner is essential for a good marriage because you don't want to marry just for the sake of politics

• But fated pair is like a chain. You never knew who was your mate until you met them. Once you knew who it is the connection is established And once bonded (sexually), omegas could not call off the bond or find a better person.

• You resent at destiny playing a big joke by taking away your free will to choose someone you like.

• Since you cannot go confront the young Duke in person, once you feeling better, 5 days later since the first meeting, you called your page and ordered them to help deliver message. You wanted to ask if Jaeyoung feels the same, being unsatisfied at the fact you two are fated pairs.

• But on the contrary, Jaeyoung replied he is happy and willingly to follow destiny and be your mate if you allow him too.

• You scratched your head because it was unexpected. And you wonder why he succumbed into the situation that fast and even mentioned that fated pair concept is just a fairy tale concept.

• Your page come back with another unexpected answer. Jaeyoung is familiar about fated pair concept because his parents are fated pairs. That's why he acknowledged his situation swiftly.

• You are taken a back from all this. You page continues on Jaeyoung's reply, the young duke offers the both of you to have conversations through letters/message rather than letting your page memorising conversations.

• You nod at your page when they informed that they are done passing the message. You brush off the idea about the letter because you are very much taken aback from everything happening now.

• I personally prefer a modern elseworld setting and actually Jaeyoung wrote his phone number in a piece of paper and handed to your page. You totally does not know what to do as everything happening beyond your expectations, you just keep his number in a drawer of a side table beside you bed.

• Or even you did not send you page at all. You are interacting with Jaeyoung through phone messages ever since your page came back from Jaeyoung's for the first time

• Plausible conversation

• You : Seriously, your grace, why did you even thought of coming here to meet me? I am sure that my bad behaviour has spread throughout the continent.

• Jaeyoung : I thought if will be nice to know a new friend even if the meeting was unsuccessful

• You are not banned from meeting your mother so you are atill spending time with her. and you heard about Jaeyoung alot from her.

• Due to it is the first time in your family where a fated pair occurred, and since your mother has limited knowledge regarding to the matter, Jaeyoung has been doing his research and inquiring more information regarding to fated pair, hoping to help understanding the situation.

• You carefully ask you mother if she is OK with Jaeyoung being your fated pair. You mother acknowledged.

• Your mother : He has good reputations and he is a nice kid,why not? His home country and his parents are nice too.

• Your mother : Honey, this might sounds irresponsible for me to say but, I would rather walk you down the aisle if Jaeyoung is your husband. I don't see the others will make you happy. Its a mother's instinct.

• You deep down rolled your eyes. Because it seems like no one cared about if you have agreed with the fact that you have to/compulsory to bond with your fated pair no matter what.

• Frustrated,later the day, you texted Jaeyoung again.

• You : So are you going to accept the situation just like this?

• Jaeyoung : I don't get what you mean

• You : Don't you have someone you like? Its 21st century now, you should marry someone you like. Not just follow the weird rule set by destiny

• Jaeyoung did not reply for some time and you start to wonder what took him so long. He usually replies swiftly as he is in the palace.

• Then you got his reply when you are occupied with something (practising musical instrument or maybe watching news)

• Jaeyoung : I do have someone in mind but I don't think they share the same feelings as I do.

• Your eyes open wide as you read his text. DUH! Of course he is! It will be a lie if this young and handsome Duke does not have a love interest or even any admirers.

• But you somewhat felt a bit down, not sure is feeling a pity on his unrequited love or being a bit disappointed.

• Not for long, the curiosity in you spikes

• You text him back saying : Is it someone from your home country? Does they know about your feelings?

• Jaeyoung : No, and I believe they do not know.

• You : Then what are you waiting for? You should tell them!

• Jaeyoung : I don't think its a good idea for now. As much as I am dying to let them know about my feelings, it might cause them unwanted burden.

• You rolled your eyes because you cannot believe it

• You : Oh my god please don't tell me you are planning to take it to your grave.

• Jaeyoung : That's uncertain for now.

• You : why did you even participate in arranged meetings in the first place! If that person has mutual feelings to you they will be devastated should they know you might end up marrying someone else!

• And Jaeyoung replied briefly : You have a point. Thank you.

• You wondered if he got upset because you said too much. You wanted to text him again asking if he is upset but you hold back.

• You got bored and started deducing the plausibility of your guest's love interest. You felt it might be someone he met during his stay in another country.

• Then you heard a knock at the door of your quarters. You page opens the door and find out its Jaeyoung standing outside your quarters.

• Shocked at his sudden appearance, your instinct told you to close the door due to the experience from last meeting. You asking him why is he in front of your door.

• You : I don't think we should be meeting like this

• Jaeyoung : Yes but I did consult with royal doctors and they said we are both in suppressants so it's should be fine for a short while.

• It's been some days since you two last meet and you get to hear his voice again. You are not going to deny that your heart skipped a bit but your rational side pushes it down.

• It got quiet for some while and you called out his name. Turns out he is still outside your quarters.

• Jaeyoung : Yes I am still here. I need to talk to you but I am organising my thoughts.

• You thought he has come to confront you because your attitude while texting with him. But apparently not.

• You : What is it that you need to talk about, to the extent you had to come over to my quarters?

• Jaeyoung, asking you with a careful tone: Did you went to country X for an event before?

• You pause a bit and recalled your memory. Yes you did, it was when you are still living with your paternal parent and you went to country X when you are 12.

• You replied him what you remembered. And Jaeyoung continues

• Jaeyoung : Do you remember a boy who told you his name is Wyatt?

• You lowkey panicked. You look at your page and they shake their head as a sign they never told anyone anything about your encounter many years ago

• You thought the boy named Wyatt was just a page of some nobles. But he turns out to be this young duke?

• Of course it does not mean you keep failing those Arranged meetings on purpose because you have a crush on the boy you met years ago.

• (But if you wanna imagine it that way, its fine too😉. )

• Before you could say anything, the young duke behind the door reveals himself.

• Jaeyoung : That was me. I saw your picture in the arranged meeting offer letter and I thought of meeting you again.

• Jaeyoung: But I swear I never knew about us being a fated pair beforehand and how inconvenient the situation has brought to you now. I am sorry.

• You gulped out of guilt unconsciously wondering if you denying the existence of fated pair was too harsh on him.

• You : No need to apologise, it caught us off guard.

• Jaeyoung's voice behind the door sounds sad : Yes it did.

• You turn and open the door a little so that you can see his expressions.

• You : So you came all the way here just to tell me we met before? You could have just tell me through text

• Now he mentioned about the meeting, you finally recognised his features. He is not lying.

• Jaeyoung : Yes but that's not all of it.

• You unintentionally let your guard down by opening the door wider and Jaeyoung drops another bomb on you

• Jaeyoung : You said I should tell the person I like about my feelings, that's why I am here.

• Your eyes widen at his words when you finally understood. You point at your face and exclaim, "Huh ? ME???"

• Jaeyoung nods.

• You are lost at words. Its not like you hate him, but its really too much to process. You are happy of course that he actually like you but you are afraid because your feelings are not the same as his.

• Seeing you looking concerned, Jaeyoung initiates : I don't need you to answer me now. I just wanted to let you know.

• You exchange glances with him and you nod.

• Jaeyoung with a smile : Thank you for encouraging me. I am sorry.

• You : Don't be. I was the one who told you to do what you did. If you apologised it sounds like falling love with me is a wrong thing to do.

• Jaeyoung's response caught you off guard : Its not?

• You could feel you cheeks flushed red and you close the door.

• You : Never mind what I said. I don't feel well, you should head back to your quarters now.

• Jaeyoung tells you he is leaving and it got quiet outside.

• You slide your body along with the door and end up sitting on floor. Your page asks if you needed a doctor.

• You shake you head declining their offer. You insisted your page to leave you because you are going to bed early.

• Once they left, you feel your cheeks again, you don't know if Jaeyoung's pheromone triggered it to be hot or it is warm because you are the culprit. You mutter to yourself, "Shouldn't have said too much, you idiot."

#onf #onf imagines #onf scenarios #onf headcanon #onf headcanons #onf wyatt #onf shim jaeyoung #onf royalty au #onf nobility au #onf omegaverse #shim jaeyoung #wyatt #jaeyoung #jaeyoung fluff #onf jaeyoung

29 notes · View notes

kristallioness · 4 years ago

Photo

2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019

*arrives a month late*... Happy 2021 to all of you, my dear followers! *raises a glass* It seems that my tendency to finish my artwork or personal posts on time has only gotten worse over time (I blame work *lol*). Oh well, better late than never, since there are things I would still like to take with me from this extraordinary year of 2020.

It is cringeworthy that I have two huge red X-s this year. But after I'd put these puzzle pieces together, I remembered far too well what was going on in my (work) life at the time, so it's completely understandable why I didn't have the time nor the energy to draw at all during those two months.

What were those typical statistics that I wrote about again to compare the years? *goes to read last year's post*.. Oh, right! In 2020, I managed to finish 3 full digital drawings (from the months of April, July and December) as well as work on several sketches. I wrote 28,154 words worth of fanfiction (oohh, that's a lot better than previous year), plus 3,126 words in English (I dare say I wrote an equal amount in Estonian) for the prompts I got during UYLD (making the total 31,280 words, which is quite impressive!).

I finished reading the 1st Kyoshi novel in the evening of the 20th and slightly past midnight on the 21st December (barely before the holidays, but I set this goal for myself and I did it!). Am already looking forward to starting with the 2nd part some time this year. Besides that, I ordered and received all the other new Avatar books that came out (3rd part of "Ruins of the Empire", "Katara and the Pirate's Silver", "Legacy of the Fire Nation") as well as BOTH Avatar series DVD sets (I still can't believe I found these on sale on some random online store in Estonia, but these are now among my most prized possessions!).

I finally started my Avatar rewatch last January, but merely got to the Ba Sing Se episodes in Book 2 (I need to continue with "The Earth King") and now it's been 5 YEARS since I last saw Korra. Reading through my journal personal posts from last year, I know far too well that it's not about rushing through it as fast as possible. Instead, I should enjoy the ride and continue watching the episodes when I'm well rested and in the right mood. That way I'll end up feeling much more at peace.

As for the entire year as a whole? I don't think anyone in this world of ours was prepared for the way this decade would begin - with an uncontrollable pandemic, the virus of which is randomly attacking and threatening to wipe out the weakest amongst us. If any of you (or even if you know someone who) have lost a loved one to this plague, there is not much else I can offer but my sincerest condolences! Me, my family, friends and colleagues seem to have managed to avoid catching it so far. *spits 3 x over her shoulder*

I had such high hopes for this year in so many ways. Event-wise I was looking forward to watching the Eurovision Song Contest in May (where Uku Suviste was supposed to represent Estonia for the 1st time ever after so many unfortunate failures to get selected as the winner of our local competition), the European Football Championships in June (asking my colleagues which countries they support, perhaps make fun bets / guesses with them to see whose team would win the matches), the Tokyo Olympic Games in July-August, the President of Estonia (Mrs. Kersti Kaljulaid) coming to visit my hometown to celebrate our Victory Day by taking part in the parade together with the Defence Forces (after 15 years *sigh*)...

I will always remember my last big event, which took place when life used to be "normal", so to say. It was the 102nd anniversary of Estonia on the 24th of February, when I took part of all the most important celebrations in Tallinn on our Independence Day, FULL-TIME (whenever I scroll through my Facebook timeline, I see the photos I uploaded of that day, my heart melts and I smile fondly). But the day after that.. utter hell broke loose. We had our first infected person in the country.

I will also remember the last day I went to work in "normal" conditions. Friday, the 13th of March (typically my lucky day-number combination): I missed the tram I wanted to get on in the morning, at work my team received great news that one of our colleague's family had grown bigger by a new tiny member the day before, we had our last team lunch together, we discussed the safety measures that we should take and joked about what might happen next week, I took the bus home instead of the tram (as the tram's route came from the airport and that place was considered to be more dangerous and with a higher risk of catching this virus).. It was another 2.5 weeks later by then (since the 25th of February) - Estonia (along with the rest of Europe) went into full lockdown.

The beginning was frightening and people were on edge, nobody really knew what to do nor what was gonna happen next. But in time, things began to shake into place and everybody developed a comfortable routine for remote work, including figuring out how to get everyday things done (such as grocery shopping). I found solace in taking photographs of various beautiful bird species, who began to fly around and serenaded me during spring, visiting the trees around my "nest" i.e. rented apartment (with a pair of them ACTUALLY building a nest in the chestnut tree right beside my window, thus turning me into a protective godmother of their chicks).

To be honest, I was awestruck by the positive / surprising aftermath of this lockdown: how the world / environment began to heal itself from the pollution that was normally caused by humans. I was taken aback by how dead silent our usually loud capital became in my neighbourhood (I could only hear trams passing by my house according to their schedules, practically no cars whatsoever, streets were empty of people.. absolute silence).

By May-June, things started to look up in Estonia (as well as the rest of Europe) and people were allowed to start travelling / moving around more freely. During my vacation in July, I managed to go to my last (open air) event (for the rest of the year) under these new "corona" conditions and ended up having a blast at the Open Farm Days in my home county for the first time.

Our country's shining moment came during the first week of September, when we hosted the first ever Rally Estonia of the World Rally Championship (WRC), where our very own Ott Tänak and Martin Järveoja won. The event was so well organized and successful that nobody caught the virus nor did the spectators / participants spread it to others, which surely must've helped in ensuring us a spot in the WRC calendar for 2021 as well.

The remainder of the year was rather dull, with the exception of the US Presidential elections in November, when we were all holding our breaths that Joe Biden would win (congratulations, my American friends!). This eventually led to the painful downfall of THE WORST government the Republic of Estonia has ever had, and to the rise of our first female Prime Minister, Kaja Kallas (both happening in January 2021, I couldn't believe it all spiralled so soon, ha-ha!).

Anyways, during the last 4 months, work was very stressful and driving me nuts, so badly that when I eventually went on vacation before Christmas, I had a slight anxiety disorder that wouldn't let me relax for several days (luckily it went away just as quickly once I began to take it easy and managed to get some proper rest / sleep).

In hindsight, I kind of get this weird feeling as if I saw this whole thing coming, given how actively I was living my life throughout 2019. My final year of the 2010's was so full of important events and personal achievements. It's almost as if something mysterious inside was driving me, telling me to visit all the places and do all the things I wanted to do, cause I wouldn't have this sort of a chance again for a very long time.

This must be the main reason why I am thankful for 2020 for going the way it did. Sure, I'm disappointed that a lot of events were cancelled, that so many people have had to leave this world so soon due to this unpredictable disease.. But I think there are so many lessons to take from what came out of all of this. I believe the world needed some sort of a restart or break, given in what direction we were headed (politically, economically, environmentally, socially etc.). I'm just sorry it's had to come with such a high price of innocent lives.

I have even higher hopes for 2021, given how amazingly January has already passed for me and my country, and what is to come in my hometown in February. Let's take the lessons learned from 2020 with us and keep on heading back towards the "normal" lifestyle we used to know. Except this time, let's improve our ways, put all the hatred behind us, be more considerate, keep a distance, stay safe, but still try to make the world a better place for everyone. Thank you so much for reading, for remaining by my side, and for your support and love throughout the years, my friends! I hope to see you all alive and healthy at the end of the white metal ox year of 2021! *virtual hugs*

#personal #shards of Kristal

2 notes · View notes

avengerscompound · 5 years ago

Text

Legacy - Chapter 8

Legacy: A Hawkeye Fanfic

Series Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing: Clint Barton x F!Reader

Word Count: 1886

Rating: E

Square filled: @clintbartonbingo - Time Travel

Warnings: Pregnancy, domestic abuse, post-endgame, angst, developing-relationship, hurt/comfort, smut, Laura and Clint have broken up. Comic Clint/MCU Clint mix.

Synopsis: Nothing is the same after the events of Endgame. When Clint has trouble returning to a life where his family hasn’t changed but he has lost everything, he moves back to the city and tries to move on as a single parent. When Nate finds you bruised and pregnant in the stairwell of his building, he decides that there might be another way that he can make Nat’s sacrifice worth something.

Chapter 8

The apartment was loud and Clint was feeling pretty good. He’d taken down the wall in the kitchen and was in the process of sanding down the new drywall that connected the old apartment with the new one. There was still a lot of work to do. The floors didn’t match. There were now two ovens and two dishwashers and two fridges and neither were connected. The cupboards didn’t match or even connect together. Plus he wanted to put in a floating island.

He had lots of plans really. Taking out one of the staircases and replacing the remaining one with something in a polished hardwood. Connecting the two upstairs bedrooms with a hall. Making the two half bathrooms up there a full. Painting the walls. He had big plans to make this his new family home the way he had made the farmhouse his home when he’d bought it with Laura.

Right now, he was most worried about patching up the wall before the baby got here. He still had four weeks, so he wasn’t worried. He just relaxed and did the job while his music played and the kids tore around the room with Lucky. It sounded and felt like he was finally home.

“You know what? I might take these guys to the park. They’re bouncing off the walls.”

Your voice snapped him out of his reverie. He looked up to see you heaving yourself out of the couch. “You sure?”

“Yeah, yeah.” You said. “We can get some ice cream or a pretzel or something.”

“Alright. But bring me back something.” He said.

“Come on kids. We’re going out.” You called as you went to grab the leash for Lucky.

Clint went back to focusing on what he was doing and singing along with the music. He was vaguely aware of the commotion going on around him. Lila chasing Nate to try and get his shoes on. Lucky bouncing and barking as he waited for the kids to get ready. It was all background noise though. The happy chaos of his family.

“Dad… Dad!”

It took him a moment to realize that Lila was calling him. It wasn’t until she came over and hit him in the arm that it sunk in that she’d just said dad at least 5 times in a row. He looked up started. “What is is, Lie?”

She pointed at you and he looked over. There was a large wet patch on your pants and a pool of liquid around your feet.

“Oh shit! Shit!” He said putting his tools down. “But it’s too early! We’re not ready! You’re supposed to be at your mom's when this happened.”

“Well, we’re not, dad.” Lila snarked.

“Shit.” He repeated and ran his hands down his face. “Coop! Call your mom! Tell her the baby is coming. Lila can you run down to Mrs. White in 3B and ask if she can watch you guys until your mom gets here.”

“Dad! I’m not a little kid. I can take care of Nate.” Lila argued.

He shook his head like he was trying to clear it. “I know, honey. But we don’t have time to clean up the tools.”

“I’ll pack them up now.” She said.

He went over to her and pulled her into a hug kissing the top of her head. “What would I do without you?” He asked.

“Completely fall apart apparently.” She teased.

He chuckled. “Well, you aren’t wrong. Thank you, sweetheart.”

Lila went and started packing up the tools and pain and putting them up out of Nate’s reach while Clint approached you. “Alright. Let’s get you into fresh pants and pack a bag. I guess you need to call the hospital?”

You nodded, still seemingly frozen in confusion, looking down at yourself and Lucky who was bouncing around on his lead. Clint leaned down and unhooked him, making the dog give him the purest look of betrayal he’d ever seen.

“Sorry, buddy.” He said, patting his head. “The baby’s coming.”

“Clint?” You said. “It’s too early.”

“I know, honey. But your water just broke. I think she’s coming.” He said rubbing your back.

“But… there’s still four weeks. We aren’t ready.” You said.

“You’re telling me!” He said. “Come on. You’re standing in amniotic fluid. It’s gross. Let’s go.”

He led you upstairs and while you changed and made a phone call to the hospital, he hurriedly threw things into an overnight bag. He tried to remember what it was they had told them you’d needed in birthing classes and what was in the bag when Laura had Nate. Changes of clothes. Comfortable pajamas with button-up tops. Maternity bra. Diapers. Nursing pads. Maternity Pads. They’d said things like candles too but he wasn’t sure if you even wanted that kind of thing.

You hung up the phone and looked up at him. “They said to just come in but don’t stress. I haven’t had any contractions so there’s no rush.”

Clint let out a breath. “Okay good. ‘Cause I have no idea what I’m doing.”

You laughed and got up, going to look through the bag at what he’d packed. “She’ll be okay won’t she?” You asked.

“Yeah, of course. It’s all going to be good.” He assured you, though he really had no idea. It was still in the scary early point of your pregnancy and he wasn’t sure what that would mean.

You finished packing the bag and went downstairs together. Lila had finished packing up the tools and even put the playpen you’d brought for the baby around the construction to stop Lucky and Nate from getting in there.

“Lila, you are a champion.” He said.

“Mom’s on her way but it’s gonna take a couple of hours before she gets here,” Cooper said.

“You guys sure you’ll be okay that long?” Clint said.

“Yeah, we’ll be fine,” Lila assured him.

“Well, if you need anything go ask Mrs. White or call Katie. Okay?”

“Go, dad. We’ll be fine.” Lila said.

He kissed the kids goodbye and headed down the street and hailed a cab. Your contractions started on the way to the hospital but only mild and minor.

When you got to the hospital they checked you over and put a fetal heart rate monitor on you and then you just had to wait. The labor proceeded slowly and due to wanting to monitor the baby you weren’t allowed to move around a lot. By midnight you were well into the painful part of the labor and exhausted.

“I can’t do this.” You cried as Clint held you.

“You can take the drugs you know? They might help you sleep.” Clint soothed.

“I should be able to have a baby,” You complained. “People do it every day.”

“People have car accidents every day too. They still take painkillers for their whiplash.”

You chuckled and another contraction hit. You groaned and gritted your teeth as Clint massaged your back.

“You’re doing great, babe. You don’t need to prove anything to me.” He said gently.

After that, you got an epidural which actually let you sleep for a little while. Clint couldn’t pretend he wasn’t thankful for that when your active labor started 12 hours later.

They backed off the drugs so you could push and you went from calm and pretty relaxed to breaking his left hand and crying in less than half an hour.

“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t do it.” You cried as you pushed.

“You’ve reached the too late point, dear.” One of the nurses said.

“Come on, babe. It’s gotten to the really gross bit. Her hair is showing and you’ve shat yourself a few times.” Clint said soothingly.

“I’ve done what?” You cried.

“Yeah, it’s a horror show down there. So let’s get to the good part with the baby. Okay?” Clint said.

You scowled at him and he leaned over and kissed the top of your head.

“Alright. Push.” The ObGyn said.

You bore down, squeezing Clint’s hand and your daughters head emerged. “So close, honey,” Clint said.

“You can see her?”

“Yeah, it’s super weird!” He said.

“Clint.” You whined. “You’re not helping.”

“Alright. One more big push okay, mommy.” The ObGyn said.

You squeezed his hand again and with a large push, your baby girl slid into the world. Squalling as she took her first breaths. The medical staff moved in around her, checking her vitals and Apgar, giving her her first shots. Making sure she was breathing. You watched them with a fearful expression on your face, and when you passed the placenta they moved her right away from you.

“What’s going on? Is she okay?” You asked.

“She’s just early, they just need to make sure she’s breathing on her own and her heart is beating fast enough.” One of the nurses said. “Can I get you some toast? You have been through quite an ordeal.”

You nodded and she disappeared leaving you and Clint alone to watch the medical staff fuss over you and the baby.

“She’ll be fine,” Clint said. “Listen to her cry. She’s got good lungs.”

You nodded, but you didn’t look very convinced. He rubbed you back. “She will.”

It was another fifteen minutes before she was brought to you. “Here you go. Just a brief cuddle, okay? She’s going to need to go into the NICU.” The doctor said.

They put her on your bare chest and you held her. “She’s sick?” You asked.

“Just needs a little help keeping warm. She’s doing pretty good really. Her APGAR is 6 which is low but not unexpected. She’s going to be fine.” The doctor reassured you. “Do you have a name yet?”

You shook your head. “No. Not yet.”

She wrote on a card and little pink bands that she attached to the baby’s ankles.

“You really don’t have a name?” Clint asked.

“I keep thinking I want to name her after Natasha. But Nate is named after her. It would be strange having a Nate and a Nat wouldn’t it?” You said. “Besides, I wanted you to have a chance to change your mind about all this.”

“All what?” He asked.

“You know. Being her dad. The birth certificate thing.” You said kissing her head.

Clint ran his palm down his new daughter’s back and kissed the crown of your head. It still broke his heart a little that you thought like that. Back when everyone had been returned from the dusting he had kept thinking about he would use Bruce’s time travel machine and go back, switch places with Nat so that she would be one that came home and got to live her life. That she wouldn’t have to be as ashamed as he had felt not being able to hold his family together after she’d given her life to make sure he got to be there for them. He hadn’t thought those things for a long time. He hoped that she would be proud of what he had done. What he was doing. But in a way, it didn’t matter. He was in this. You were his family too now. She was his daughter. He took a deep breath, inhaling you both. “Don’t worry,” He said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

// NEXT

#clintbartonbingo2019 #clint barton #clint barton x reader #hawkeye #hawkeye fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #reader insert #pregnancy #legacy

234 notes · View notes

fly-underground · 5 years ago

Text

six hundred and seventy five: 2019

The annual year in review entry. I’ve written this post nine times, one for every year of this decade. I reread the very first one, from 2010, aloud to my mother the other night. My writer’s voice is so chipper in it, so young. I had just started college. In so many ways, I had barely lived. I was about to list off all the things I hadn’t yet done, as an explanation. But the truth is, even now, having done at least a few of those things, I still have barely lived. I want to remember that, to bottle up that feeling of wistfulness for a younger self, that protective inclination to wait for things to get better and worse, because I know I still need it. There is still so much I haven’t done, so much I want to do. Ways to spend the next few decades, if I’m lucky enough to have them.

Last year at this time, I think I was home alone with Cory. I can’t remember it perfectly. The past few years have blurred together in that regard. Was this the year that Mariah Carey sang badly during Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve? I’ll look it up after I write this. The point is, I welcomed in the new year alone, but not really, and then received a flurry of text messages from my mother and brother and so many friends. January passed in New York for the most part. I went to my favorite bar every week, first with Liz and then with Vivian. I got bad news one night about a fellowship and the next night, I found out that my fellowship paper was selected for an academic conference. I felt like Even Steven, losing one thing, gaining another. By the time I made it back to Boston, for the spring semester, it was the end of the month. That last week became so important, especially in retrospect. I met a man from the past in one of my classes, someone I knew vaguely from my time at Swarthmore. February was about him. And so was March and April and May.

I used to keep details off my blog, because I was afraid of people reading and piecing together the truth. I wanted to be polite and coy. Now, I guess I don’t really know who is still reading this. And maybe I also don’t care. If you know me, really know me, you know what happened. If you don’t, well: in February, this blast from the past man sent me an email about coffee. I said yes and we spent hours together, walking around Cambridge, the pink sky of the new moon above our heads. Then he asked me to go to the Arnold Arboretum. We never went. Instead, we talked for hours in another coffee shop. Uncharacteristically, I asked to see his place and after I met his roommates, in-between bites of fig newtons, he leaned over and whispered: Can I kiss you? His tongue slipped into my mouth in the darkness of his living room. He kissed me again on his doorstep and my head spun on the lyft ride home. I threw up hours two hours later, from the hunger induced migraine. I didn’t eat at all that day, except for the cookies in his house and the lettuce wrapped in turkey at midnight in my bed. Of course I threw up. The next week, we went out again. Later, in my bed, wrapped up in his wiry, tattooed arms, I was just happy. That was when he told me, that he’s an alcoholic and an addict. It should have changed something for me, it should have set off an alarm. It didn’t.

Four days later, he relapsed. He had cancelled and then un-cancelled our date. I met him at a Starbucks and on the T back to his place, our legs touched. I felt bad, terrible in a way that I couldn’t name. We watched some Netflix original reality show and then, in his bed, we had sex. We kissed. He told me about his history of self harm and severe mental illness. I talked about my own trauma. It was not a good date. I couldn’t sleep after. In the morning, after he made me eggs and I realized he would not be going to his next AA meeting, I asked, trying not to cry, Will I see you again? He said of course, and then he backed me into a wall and kissed me with a boyish glee. I felt relieved and stupid. Three days later, he told me he couldn’t make it to my place for dinner. He said that he felt like he had encountered me in the wrong moment of his life, that he couldn’t stop drinking, that he was checking himself into a facility, that I meant something to him. I cried that whole weekend. I barely ate. No one could help me.

It was like this for months. Every interaction between us charmed and hurt me. When he was doing well, I was joyous. Otherwise, I was miserable. I skipped meals. I had nightmares. I cried alone in my room, on walks around campus. I lost weight and inches. I felt like I was dying. Somehow, in that strange internal darkness, I realized I was not okay. I wanted to be okay, more than anything. I felt bad all the time and I was tired of feeling bad. In April, I started seeing a therapist. In May, I started seeing a nutritionist. I went to a support group meeting and read literature about codependency. I felt like it was my fault, my emotions, my own shit. I called my mother and Vivian and Michael. I was defensive about this guy. Addiction is a disease, an addict is not a Bad Person, but he can be a deeply troubled person.

And then, after all of that, one day in May, he told me that he had gotten involved with someone. It was the way he said it. Two weeks before, in his bed, he had asked if he could undress me. I told him then, sitting outside the Harvard Square T stop, that he was a coward. He flinched, like I hit him. I said, I thought I loved you, but you aren’t who I thought you were. I guess, I didn’t really love you then. I also said, I’m sorry if that hurt you, I don’t mean to hurt you. And he told me, his eyes glassy, that I meant something to him. Of course, I knew that. Of course, it didn’t matter.

I skipped some stuff, or I made it seem small. In May, when I went to that support group meeting, I actually spoke in the group. I said, Every day I feel this intense pressure to try my best. I want to be kind and generous and patient and brave and good. But it’s so much work, being that way. Sometimes, I can’t do it. Sometimes, I just don’t have it in me. On those days, I want to give myself permission, to simply try. On those days, “best” is not the goal. The goal is to keep at it, whatever it is. So, I went to classes and socialized and asked for help. I told my therapist in April, that coming to therapy meant that I wasn’t hopeless, that I hadn’t given up on myself. In March, I presented my paper at an academic conference, as a single author. I was also on a poetry panel with Trista, Amanda, Cyrus, and Iain. How insane to be there with them, to be included in a family of poets.

In June, the man disappeared, moved away without a real goodbye. At the time, I was devastated. I can’t describe the feeling of abandonment, but I thought: love is not for me. I thought it through June and July. I went out with a series of inconsequential men. There’s a photo I saved on my phone, after one of those dates. He wasn’t a bad guy, just boring, just rude. I came home and cried until my mascara had spread across my face. I went back to New York in July, and in between visiting with friends and volunteering at camp, I had a hilarious summer fling, not a story just something for friends to gossip about. Even then, I was lonely. I didn’t run away from it, though. I recognized it. I thought, I should keep trying. Maybe I would find a good thing.

August had me dog-sitting and transliterating Sanskrit books and gearing up for the final year of my master’s degree and looking into various doctoral programs. It was also when I went on a first date with this handsome, funny, smart, and unbelievably kind man, who would eventually become my boyfriend— how weird that word looks here, how funny that it means something to me after all these years. It has felt like emotional whiplash, this year, loving two men. Looking back, it should be easy to say oh that wasn’t really love. But that’s not true. I loved two people this year, just so differently. If the first love made me nervous, the second makes me calm. I was on a bus back to Boston after Thanksgiving and the traffic was terrible and I felt an ugly irritation bubble inside me because of my seat neighbor. I thought about my boyfriend then, his easy smile, how he rubs my back when I cough. What a small thing, but I felt lighter just thinking about it. It sounds silly and cheesy, I know. But I don’t want to belittle it, not here. I don’t think I have ever really felt so good to be with someone before. It is so new to me, this joy, this stability. I don’t want to take it for granted.

I wrote in my journal a few days ago, that I’m not sure if this relationship is good because he is so good, or because I have done the work of trying to lead a healthier life. Is this just a byproduct of one or the other? Or, as Liz says, is this what happens when two Virgos come together? I don’t know, I loved a Virgo once before, and I don’t remember ever feeling this light. This is different. He is different.

In September, I went to Denmark for my ten year reunion camp reunion. I started this blog right after that iconic summer, 16 and strangely tan from all that northern sun. From October through December, I applied to doctoral programs. Yes, again. We’ll see what happens. For the first time, I don’t really know what I want in my future, but I’m trying to trust in the universe to guide me there. I know I want love. It’s hard for me to admit that. I used to scorn women who named that in their list of goals, but it’s important, as important as everything else. I want to feel close to someone. I want a life of meaning, even if it just means something to me. I want to write. I hate that I ever stopped doing that. I feel sometimes like I have wasted my potential there, in writing professionally. I hope that’s not true. I am not ready to give this up, this dream that could still turn into something.

Something that I said a lot this year: whatever happens, I’ll be okay. During a depressive episode a few weeks ago, I thought I was losing everyone in my life, that everyone secretly hated me. What I told myself then, was not that I was crazy or wrong, but that I could deal with it. It’s true. If that happened, I could deal with it. But I hate that response. I wish I fought more. I wish I didn’t turn over so easily. Not that I think I could change someone’s mind. But I wish I didn’t just accept the worst case scenario. Anyway, maybe it’s strange even to debate this. The truth is so far from the worst case scenario. In fact, right now the truth is I am so fucking lucky. Ten years ago, I was just a high school student whining on the internet. Today, I am a Harvard graduate student; I am an author; I have a publication list that makes professors raise their eyebrows; people care about what I write and think; there are people who love me, really love me; I am healthier and happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. I worked for this. I earned it. I didn’t give up on me.

I can’t predict anything about the future. I’m always so hilariously wrong. Mostly I hope I never stop trying. 2020 still sounds like a fiction, but it’s real, it’s happening, it’s here. It’s funny, I only ever feel that surprised by joy. I hope that never changes.

17 notes · View notes

star-villager · 5 years ago

Text

Ezra: Month 1 of Animal Crossing New Horizons!

Hello all! I’m here to tell my journey of the first month of New Horizons on Cillia Island!

There’ll be lots of pictures! I hope you enjoy! Future updates will probably be daily because this is... long at first... but I promise it slows down!

This post covers 32 days (skipping a few). It is indented to be a fun, long, read! I’ll say it’s a 10-15 minute read just to be on the longer side!

-Ezra; Island Resident Representative; Local Island Decorator; Mayor of Cillia (if it had a mayor hehe!)

Thursday, March 19th, 4pm -7GMT. The virus is present, but just starting. I have been home for not even 24 hours of my job that was supposed to keep me out of town all March. I make a phone call to a local Gamestop, asking if they’re still open, and how the midnight release of Animal Crossing is going to work. The worker tells me I can go pick it up right then, because they’re going to be closing early and had JUST gotten a phone call from corporate that they could give it out early - you can assume what I did /immediately/ after lol.

~~~

Starting was incredibly easy! I’ve had my dead name as my New Leaf Mayor forever, and I loved that city name so Ezra and Cillia it was! And we began! My starting villagers were Cherry and Roald with Cherry Trees (fitting!), and I said I wasn’t gonna restart no matter what... so here we go!

I picked a town that had a West Beach River Mouth as well as a South River Mouth - which matched my town in New Leaf! (The south exit, and the flow of the river - but the west exit would be where my original upper waterfall was so the shape was the same). Picked northern hemisphere (where I am). And placed my house right in a river bend (with the initial plan to section me off into my own island within an island!). Cherry and Roald’s homes were placed along the west-running river right at the top, with not much effort or forethought. Not that it was a bad thing! I knew they wouldn’t be permanent villagers, but wanted to give them some beautiful scenery while they were here.

I can definitely tell that I’m still acting and thinking like a mayor even thought I’m only an island rep. ... this doesn’t change bwahaha!

Day 1 March 19th, was all setup and prep for our REAL day 1! Blathers already was about to have a decent encyclopedia, and I was getting nook miles left and right - already expecting a house instead of a tent the next day. I wasn’t too surprised, I’ve done this song and dance before, and I’m just here to have a great time in my island paradise! Getting Blathers was definitely my highest priority!

Day 2 March 20th, was... difficult... giving 15 things to Blathers one at a time and finding 30 iron for the Nooklings was excruciating lol - but getting fossils and a pole vault to absolutely DECIMATE the weed ecosystem filled me with a glee that I’m sure you can understand. I managed to upgrade my house, get Blathers and Nooks Cranny all in one day *whew*. Now, time to have some fun!

I build my first QR code which was a cool outfit I called PRIDE Coat! It is a black coat with drawstrings and pockets on the front - a lil’ trans flag on the left arm, a bi flag on the right arm, and my (pretty decent!) attempt at a rainbow of paint (in the gay flag colors) falling down my back! And I made an Iwatobi Swim Club Beanie to match the one I wear every day!!

I then played with my Passport a bit to have my title be “Future Fish” which is Free! Eternal Summer (the second season’s) Ending Song!!!! Which I thought was SUPER cute and VERY me. (It’s my second fave anime. I plan on making a Reigisa outfit in the future!!).

Already by the end of Day 2 I had my hair customization options, the tool wheel, and the DIY that I needed to buy. Everything Nook was offering I managed to get my grubby little day 2 hands on! So you KNOW my hair went to pink pigtails IMMEDIATELY. And took /many/ photos. But since my outfits are all the same just imagine the ones you just saw but with pink instead of blonde!

With that it was time to get my 3 villagers that would accompany Cherry and Roald (This correlates to getting the iron for Nooklings!) I wanted to grab the first 3 villagers that I saw just to try some new friends this go around - as I had already planned on making my New Leaf family my permies! So my first three were Ketchup (nice!), Hornsby (Aww!!), and... GALA!?!?

Well how convenient! That was one permie immediately out of the way!! Welcome back, Gala!!! So excited to have you on the island!

Then I caught an Oarfish and saw *GASP* WISP!!!! To which, I immediately ran up to him and demanded he bring my girlfriend, Cece the Squirrel, to the island. He, instead, got spooked, had me collect his spirit, and offered me items. *sigh* Ok - can’t get Cece that way - so I decided to sleep!

How naive I was...

Day 3 March 21st, was both good and bad! I had access to Nooklings, but that was about it. Blathers was getting a crowded amount of critters outside his roped off building, but it would be all worth it, tomorrow. But!! I found my first spider island! Which I sold off to Nooklings and happily went to sleep!

Day 4 March 22nd, had SO MUCH to offer! Blathers, Daisy Mae, Harvy, WHEW. Pretty sure I had a visit from Gulliver either today or yesterday, too! Nothing could POSSIBLY ruin this day!!

Oh how wrong.

How so terribly wrong I was.

Animal Crossing New Horizons is an incredible game that lets you invite so many villagers to your island!

All of them. But 14.

14 Villagers from New Leaf are not available. The Sanrio Characters. And the Amiibo Characters.

No Felyne. No Ganon, Epona, Medli, or W. Link. No Viche or Inkwell. No Rilla, Chai, Morty, or Etoille.

No Toby.

No Chelsea.

...

No Cece.

...

To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I was absolutely crushed. Not only were 3 of my permies out, but the one villager I couldn’t live without, wasn’t allowed in the game. She didn’t even get a poster.

So I did what any crushed lover would do, and made a memoir to her.

And it started raining. Poetic. (I was only cheered up slightly when I got to catch a Coelacanth!) I didn’t do this until much later (April 4th) but for the sake of not talking about her too much, I would open New Leaf and wrote her a goodbye love letter, which, honestly, makes me tear up whenever I read it.

And I went to sleep.

I have nothing for Day 5 other than scanning all my amiibo cards for the POSTERS which are UNDOUBTEDLY my FAVORITE new feature in the game!!

Day 6, March 24th, GALA MOVED IN! I was so excited, and it was definitely needed. My best friend also came over and we goofed off and we met each other’s villagers! Then I went to an island tour and got A PANSY HYBRID ISLAND!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I went crazy. Absolutely destroyed that ecosystem. I went full feral. MINE. ALL MINE!!!

And I caught my first Sturgeon!! Which was awesome because I only had the rare fish left in my March collection! Trying to get a Golden Trout, I made many many fish bait, and got the 200 clam achievement! Which was exciting because that unlocked “Mermaid” for titles!! I doubt I’ll change from Future Fish, but Mermaid would be a second pick!

For Day 7 I went to a good friend’s village and desperately tried to make Chiyuki Fujito’s blue dress from Runway de Waratte... it didn’t work... but I like the attempt! (Will send pics in messenger if you’re curious!).

Day 8, March 26th, was the day ISABELLE WAS HERE!!! Welcome to your island paradise, QUEEN. I definitely dressed for the part ;)

This, of course, opened up tunes and flag options! Flag was incredibly easy. It’s going to stay my picture of Cece until she’s added back into the game (which will probably be never, so...)

The tunes was much harder for me. But since I couldn’t think of anything else I made it “SO. NO. CHI. NO. SA. DA. ME.” from the first Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Opening (which is, ironically, what is playing as I type this... SO NO CHI NO SA DA ME <- was written in time with the music playing. Incredible.) It’s definitely not going to be that forever, but for now it makes me giggle!

Nothing for Day 9 except for a SICK tarantula island :) love those furry babes! I also built my campsite! Tomorrow was going to be big!! Who on Earth was going to move in!?

Day 10, March 28th, now, I have what I like to call “chaotic luck”. I’ll catch the bus, but my gosh did I almost miss it. I was absolutely positive I failed that test, and I did, but the question I messed up doesn’t count and I passed! Cece isn’t in the game but do you know who’s at my campsite??

OFFICE

HETEROCHROMIA

TSUNDERE

TRANS

CAT

EXTRAORDINAIRE

RAAAAAAAAAAAYMOND!!!!

Can you even imagine my face??? Can you IMAGINE the jaw drop?? I moved him next to me IMMEDIATELY.

Day 12, March 30th, I saw kicks for the first time!!! Love that funky newsie skunk!

Day 13, March 31st, I saw Flick for the first time!!! Went on a mad tarantula hunt and made BANK. Fun story, I thought both Flick and C.J. were girls, so when I learned Flick was a boy I was really upset because I thought a canon gay ship was now straight, but WHOOPS they’re BOTH boys! 😎 Nice.

I also saw Celeste for the first time!!! Gosh how I missed her!! I actually sat and got all 200 stars in one night, just because of how much I like wishing on falling stars!!!

Day 14, April 1st, The Nightmare Begins. Love him or Hate him, Zipper was here. I won’t go on about the eggs. Everyone talks about the eggs. They sucked, fishing was a nightmare, not a big fan. I would end up not getting all the sakura DIYs which was very upsetting (but I’ll just get them next year). In INCREDIBLE news I got a golden trout!!! Which was the last thing I needed in my March encyclopedia - and it was on to April hunting! Every night thing I could get, I did! So I decided to set up my last 4 houses, and focus on getting K.K. Slider finally to my island!

The first house sold naturally to Pecan! NICE! I love squirrels so much! She was very welcome!

Day 15, April 2nd, in the interest in getting new villagers, I went on a tour and there she was: MERENGUE! She’s, truthfully, not a favorite of mine. She’s SO cute, but not someone I wanted permanently. However, she’s my other best friend’s FAVORITE and she doesn’t have a switch. So, there was NO WAY I wasn’t taking Merengue onto my island. I haven’t sent my friend pics, yet, but I hope I can soon!! She’s gonna be so happy!

Today was the first day I met C.J. which... stunning. Absolutely jaw dropping. I’m SMITTEN with a TAKEN BEAVER. He calls me fashionista. Asks about my anglersona. Takes selfies of/with me. He’s truly the ideal. I’d invite him back any day!

Over the next 3 days, Freya and Bruce move in as my last 2 villagers giving us a grand starting total of: Cherry, Roald, Ketchup, Hornsby, Gala, Raymond, Pecan, Merengue, Freya, and Bruce! Not bad not bad!

Day 19, April 6th, THE BEST GIRL IS HEEERE. LABEL CAME TO MY TOWN FOR THE FIRST TIME. I might have cried, honestly. I cannot believe someone that incredible would want to come to my island. She asked for me to give her an official look. Are you kidding me? Easy breezy. For my perfect outfit she rewarded me a Label Hat. Oh? DESIGNER? I was awestruck. The design was IMPECCABLE. The flavor was IMMACULATE.

One of my villagers also happened to gift me a Pink SPRITE COSTUME??? I, honestly, have never been more in love with an outfit in my entire life??? A pink Peter Pan outfit??? LEGENDARY.

Day 20, April 7th, I don’t quite remember what day K.K. Slider visited the island when I hit my 3 star rating - so we’ll say it was today lol. That meant ISLAND EDITING, but I didn’t know what to do, yet, so I didn’t worry too much about it!

Label’s hat came in MORE COLORS in the store today. YOU BET I bought all of them. The talent. But this meant that I had a pink hat to match my pink sprite costume and you bet I was LIVING my best life. I had also finished the Anklyosaurus which is my FAVORITE dinosaur so I was LIVING it up.

Later, Ketchup would approach me and ask to move. I was happy for her to explore new lands and bid her farewell, and gave her a sweet goodbye. With that, it was hunting time, and I found the perfect villager that would set everything in motion.

Day 22, April 9th, Label VISITS AGAIN!!!!!! Unfortunately, she asked for a sporty look, which I couldn’t pull off perfectly :/ So no new item from her... but my OUTFIT WAS FIRE AND WE WERE MAD CUTE TOGETHER.

Day 23, April 10th, the villager has moved in, the cryptid gyroid herself, COCO!!!

And her moving in gave me a BRILLIANT idea. I’d like to keep it under wraps for now, but I’m so, so, SO happy she’s here!

Day 24, April 11th, The Fishing Tourney. The Summer tourney will be significantly easier for me, now that I know you can double your points by fishing with someone else, but it took me HOURS to collect all the clams and get to 300 points. It wasn’t really worth it, but I love fish so much so I wasn’t going to miss a SINGLE thing. I got that gold trophy and I’m SO proud of myself.

Also my fishing outfit could slay for MILES

Straight Fire.

Day 25, April 12th, With a golden trophy in hand and the last day of eggies, I was feeling really confident. I had the means and the idea to change cliffs + water for a couple days and just... made what my brain came up with! I’ll keep this vague for now, because I’m really excited about the final results! Just know that everyday I edit a little bit more and come up with more ideas!

Day 26, April 13th, Happy Homestuck, Neil Bangs out the Tunes, and Thomas Sanders goes to the Wedding Day!! And it did NOT disappoint. Label for A 3RD TIME!!! She must like me as much as I like her >w<!! Today she gave out her cap!!! It’s, honestly, not my thing, I’d rather stick with the brim hats, but I do think they’re cute!! So I would buy them all the next day! The Able Sister’s haul on Day 27 was oh my gosh amazing!!! They had the cap, of course, but they also had THE OTHER SPRITE COSTUMES!! Which I bought all of them. And now I wear, near exclusively, this outfit in 5 different colors bwahaha!

Day 30, April 17th, I got my first golden item!!! The slingshot! Nice! Over the past few days, I’ve just been designing, moving houses, and building ramps! Learning new myth debunks, stuff like that!

I was also blessed with 3 encounters :OOOO I didn’t know this was even POSSIBLE!?

Day 31, April 18th, Disaster Strikes. I’ve been moving so many homes that I didn’t consider that a villager couldn’t move in because you were already doing a home thing for the day. So when I went to invite camper Gonzo to my town he declined!? I was devastated. He was SO cute and I thought he could move into Bruce’s house to keep the peace of personalities! I think he’s someone in the future who I’ll ask for a poster of or ask for an amiibo card of! I know I’m going to check the campsite first before moving any buildings from here on out! D’:

And that brings us to today,

Day 32, April 19th, one month from the day I started. I’ve been having the TIME of my life! There’s definitely been some ups and downs, but I have a goal in mind and it’s keeping me so focused! I organized an entire flower field today!! Due to a turnip mishap, I happen to be 2 days ahead of everyone, but I have been good about time traveling other than that. This means that I am fortunate enough to get my Nooklings upgrade 2 days early and they’ll be open tomorrow!!! I’m... I’m so excited!!! I NEED more flower seeds!!!!!!!

The future looks incredibly bright on Cillia island, and I cannot wait to hear about everyone else’s month!!

Thank you for your time. Please enjoy these random favorite photos of mine!

#Animal Crossing #ACNH #My Post #Cillia #Town of Cillia #Ezra #Island Rep Ezra #Mayor Ezra #Star-Villager #LONG #LONG POST #Animal Crossing New Horizons #Pictures #Photos #New Horizons

3 notes · View notes

wannabee-write · 6 years ago

Text

Brandon Darrow x Reader

Summary: Brandon notices you haven’t been sleeping lately.

Word count: 1,859

Warnings: underage drinking, mention of drug use

a/n: Just a little something I couldn’t get out of my head so I decided to post the first bit I wrote.

It's been weeks since anyone has heard from King Cobra. But when the sun goes down, I still expect to hear my text tone, and see a Flash. Awake every night, With every notification sent my heart racing.

Tonight was no different, I was sat on my bed, with my legs pulled up to my chest, staring out the window. Something across the street caught my eye.

Someone had climbed up a ladder and was sitting on the roof.

I searched for my glasses, needing to make sure they weren't wearing any mask. To my absolute relief, it was Brandon. Just Brandon looking up at the sky.

A sense of "why not" came over me as I slipped my feet into some shoes, and ducked out my window. He didn't notice me until I had walked across the street into his yard, and called out his name.

"Oh... what are you doing?" He asked.

"Wondering why you're not on a plane to Switzerland or something."

He chuckled, "come on up and I'll tell you."

Shakily, I climbed the ladder, grabbing onto Brandon's outstretched hand once I reached the top, and settling down next to him, "so what happened?"

"I was supposed to leave late Friday night. But my dad started drinking at like noon. By the time it came for my flight he was passed out on the couch." Brandon wasn't looking at me, he was lazily looking up. That's when I noticed the bottle of vodka next to him.

"So what's gonna happen?"

"Rowan's dad convinced the school district that I was framed by Zoe, since my computers history shows that it was all uploaded at once they had to take me back." He held the bottle to his lips and I snatched it from him.

"It's bad luck to drink alone," I shrugged and took a swig, "so I guess everything did work out in the end." Silence fell over us as we passed the bottle back and forth.

"So," he finally said after a while, "Why are you sitting on a roof with me at one in the morning?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"That seems like an over simplification," he pointed out.

"Honestly?" I asked.

"If you want, I won't make you."

I took a deep breath and a long gulp, "I'm waiting for more instructions from The Zoo. Mr Empty and Zoe are locked up, but they still have my secrets. Which means they can pass them onto the next King Cobra or whoever.

"Is you're secret really that bad?" He asked.

"Compared to Rowan's and Haileys? No, not really. Like no one would go to jail for it, but I don't want that video out."

"Do you want to talk about it? We all know each other's secrets."

"I'm probably just drunk enough to talk about it," I took another drink, "But you can't judge me."

"I literally started all of it and almost got Rowan and Elisia killed. Trust me, I have no room to judge."

I was the only one of the group who was still holding on to her secret, so it was only fair.

"When I was fifteen I went through this rebellious phase, and I thought it was a good idea to make a sex tape with two other people, snorting coke and taking body shots off each other."

"Okay I can see why you don't want that getting out. I always saw you as this uptight Virgin."

"That's because I haven't had sex since that summer. Like I've refused to have sex with people. I clench up and start freaking out over what people might think. And It's literally child porn because we're all under age, plus we sure as hell shouldn't have been drinking like we were."

"Well we really shouldn't be drinking now," Brandon pointed out, "But here we are,"

"I don't know how Mr Empty found that video, but now I'm so terrified of it getting out. And all I want is for my parents to hold me like they did when I was just a kid with nightmares and tell me everything is going to be okay," my throat tightened up, and my voice cracked, "but they'd send me off to catholic school if they ever saw that video." I avoided his eyes, desperately trying not to cry.

Brandon wrapped an arm around me, pulling me into his chest, "The Zoo is dead, everything is going to be okay."

I hugged him back, breathing in the scent of peppermint and liquor, "I'm just so scared to be alone and fall asleep because what if what happened to Nicki happens to me."

He pulled back slightly, moving his hand to cup my face, "Babe, babe, calm down shhh shh they can't get to you anymore." His thumb rubbed soothing circles on my cheek, "You look so tired. When was the last time you slept?"

"I don't know... a few weeks? Maybe. Since before the bombfire. I take naps when my parents are home, but never at night or when I'm alone."

Brandon pulled me up onto my feet, "Come on, you need to sleep, we both do." One at a time, we made our way down the stairs and through his bedroom window. "You take the bed, I'll be on the floor right next to you."

"No no Brandon," I panicked, "You don't understand, I don't want to be alone. I can't-"

He pulled me into his chest once again, cooing and stroking my hair softly, "okay, okay, then I'll lay right here next to you. And I'll lock my door and window so no one can get in without making noise. Is that okay?"

I nodded, unable to speak now.

He slid my glasses off every to gently and set then on his bed side table, "Go ahead and lie down, I'll be quick."

Listening to him, I crawled under his blanket, positioning myself as close to the wall as I could get while on my back. I listened as he walked from one side of the room to the other, a little relief coming with the sound of each lock turning. When He laid next to me, he didn't crowed or put his arms around me. He simply settled down facing me, and placed a hand on my stomach with the promise of, "I'll be right here."

For the first time in weeks, I had a proper nights sleep.

The next morning I woke up with my head on Brandon's chest and one of his arms wrapped around me. Well I was woken up by my phone ringing. The caller ID showed 'mom' and I sat straight up. I started rolling my r like they taught us in Spanish class, trying to warm up my vocal chords. A Trick I learned for when you don't want to sound like you've just woken up.

"y/f/n! Where are you?" My mother shouted, "We woke up and you were gone."

"Sorry momma, I got up early to say goodbye to Brandon from across the street. Remember you told me he was going to boarding school? I didn't want to wake you up so I just walked over." Brandon himself was propped up on an elbow rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

My mom let out a sigh of relief, "Sweetheart you scared the crap out of us. Next time leave a note or a text,"

"I'm sorry, let me say goodbye to Mr Darrow real quick and I'll be back." I hung up quickly.

"That was a quick lie," Brandon smirked, his morning voice sounding like velvet to me.

"I've gotten really good at lying recently,"

He reached up and moved a strand of hair from my face, "How'd you sleep?"

"Really good, actually. Thank you for doing this."

He rolled his eyes, "Please, I did this just to tell the whole school I slept with (Y/n) (Y/l). Imma be worshiped!"

I pushed him playfully, "I'll kick your ass."

"Come on I'm kidding. I slept with a shirt on for you,"

I scrunched my face, "What? Why?"

"So I didn't make you uncomfortable. Ya know, for the sex thing."

My heart felt full as I came to understand what he was saying, pulling him into a tight hug, "I really appreciate that."

He dragged his hand across my back, rubbing soothing circles before saying, "you better go before you're parents get suspicious."

I pulled myself out of bed and into his bathroom. I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled it into a ponytail. Swished mouth wash around for fake fresh breath. And splashed cold water on my face a few times. Brandon watching me from his place on his bed.

My parents completely bought my act. Telling me how sweet I was for wishing the best for a childhood friend and laughing at my middle school crush on him.

The day was one of my best in a while. I didn't feel like a zombie, just going through the motion while looking over my shoulder. I felt like a human again. But as night fell, all of these feelings came back, and I took my position on the floor between my bed and the wall, eyes on the window.

The minuets ticked on, and even though I was almost positive The Zoo wasn't going to come after me, I couldn't bring myself to sleep. But I didn't exactly try either.

Sometime just after midnight, movement outside caught my attention. Fear coursed through me like a river. I contemplated moving under my bed, to hide like the coward I am. Before I could move, I got a text.

Brandon: open up its me

Followed by a few taps on the glass.

I let out the breath I was holding, almost crying in relief.

"What are you doing?" I said when I opened the window and he started climbing through it, "My dads going to kill you!"

"Yeah, I've heard that before," He chuckled.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, already imagining the worst.

"I don't know is it? I saw your light was on from my room. Came to check on you." He turned and latched the window.

"Yeah I'm fine, just couldn't sleep." I sat down on my bed.

"Again?" He sat close to me, pushing my hair behind my ear, "Still scared?"

I nodded, not wanting to speak.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" He asked.

"Please," I whispered.

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, positioning us so I was under my covers and he was over them. Once again, Brandon just placed once comforting hand on my stomach.

We didn't say anything after that, just laid there in silence. I fell asleep tracing swirls into his skin, listening to the sound of his breathing. For the second night in a row I slept perfectly.

Every night after than, Brandon climbed into my room. At first he made excuses. Wanted to make sure I felt okay. Didn't want to watch a movie alone. Wanted to study a little because he missed school. But after a while, he just slipped in and got comfortable. Cuddly and affectionate until we actually lay down to sleep, then its just a hand on my stomach or side. Never wanting to make me feel uneasy in my own room.

This is how my stupid crush on Brandon Darrrow resurfaced.

This is how it started.

#t@gged #brandon darrow #king cobra #mr empty #mr mt #monkeyman #t@gged show #hulu #Lukas Gage

106 notes · View notes

murdockquills · 6 years ago

Link

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Meredith Quill & Peter Quill, Gamora/Peter Quill, Peter Quill & Yondu Udonta Characters: Peter Quill, Meredith Quill Additional Tags: Light Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Sad with a Happy Ending, Mother-Son Relationship, Mother's Day, Everyone Needs A Hug, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Purgatory, kind of?, Peter Quill Needs a Hug, The reunion we deserve, happy mother’s day!, I have a lot of feelings, mostly wrote this for myself, One Shot Summary:

Peter Quill got wiped from existence with the snap, but finds himself, somehow, back in Missouri.

Just yesterday mornin', they let me know you were gone

Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you

I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song

I just can't remember who to send it to....

Peter groaned; his eyes slipped open just a crack. It was shockingly dark, much darker than where he had just been. He couldn’t remember falling asleep or even closing his eyes for that matter, but really, he couldn’t remember much at all. There was a vague notion in the back of his mind, dwindling and nagging like a dream on the edge of forgetting.

The color of burning. The smell of decay. The pang of guilt, of loss. Mantis. Drax. Gamora.... Gamora!

He sat up with a sudden gasp, grass and dirt falling from the side his face. Panting anxiously, his eyes desperately strained to adjust while they darted around in his head like a jackrabbit. Slowly, surely, the world around him began to come into focus and for a moment, he couldn’t believe what he seemed to be seeing. Something he hadn’t seen since he was a kid - corn stalks, barely illuminated against the backdrop of night sky, reaching up all around him. They were not fully grown, five feet at most and just beginning to bud from what he could tell, swaying and rustling in the warm night air.

It was a far cry from where he had just been. In fact, it was Terra..... Earth. Or, at least, it seemed to be. But he couldn’t understand how he could’ve got there, without his ship, plopped into the middle of a field.

....You've just got to see me through another day

My body's aching and my time is at hand

I won't make it any other way

I've seen fire and I've seen rain

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend...

The faint melody carried on the wind, sounding closer or farther with each passing breeze. Peter found himself humming every note. “But I always thought that I'd see you again....” But his Walkman was gone, and the Zune was somewhere back on the Benatar, wherever it was. Struggling a bit, he picked himself up off the ground and stood, his head lifted a good foot or more above the tops of the stalks.

He turned in place for a few moments, taking in his surroundings. The dancing sea of deep green against the inky midnight sky sprawled out in front of him as far as his eyes could see. But a couple hundred yards to his left sat a car. A real, terran car, just like.....

He took a quick step forward and froze, his heart pounding in his chest. It couldn’t be. But then Peter gradually found his feet carrying him through the field faster and faster, the corn leaves slapping against his body as he rushed past, the smell of the damp, humid soil filling his lungs with each breath. Suddenly, he broke from the edge of the field into a clearing and stopped dead. Just in front of him was the bumper of a rundown, old hatchback. And stretched out on the hood attached to that bumper lay a peaceful, lounging Meredith Quill. Her eyes were closed but the small smile playing on her delicate face insinuated that she wasn’t sleeping. Strawberry blonde ringlets of hair danced around her. She looked young and alive and..... healthy.

“There's just a few things coming my way this time around now....” she was softly singing to herself, completely unaware of his presence.

Peter could feel his whole body swelling with emotion, emotion that defied all logic and sent him reeling. Words were catching in his throat, as tears began to well in his eyes.

“M-mom?” he finally felt himself ask aloud.

Meredith’s eyes slowly opened, and with the same calm grace, she leaned up on her elbows to face him.

“Peter,” she breathed, sounding somewhere between relief and confusion. “Peter...... is it really you?”

His mouth was open and his lip was trembling, but all he could manage was a slight shake of his head. Blinking back the tears, he stammered, “Yeah..... I’m me. I’m Peter. Your son.”

The way his mom looked at him felt warm and understanding, yet equally full of question. She lifted a hand to reach out to him.

“Come here, baby,” she said, tinged with the honey sweetness of that slight southern drawl. “I can hardly see you.”

Peter stepped closer. He put out his hand and hovered just above hers, feeling a hitch in his breath. It was all too familiar. A stray tear found its way down his cheek. Meredith moved to curl her fingers around his, and suddenly Peter could breath again. Carefully, he enveloped her hand in his, feeling the full weight of all the years past in the way it dwarfed hers.

“Your hands are so rough,” she remarked, before her eyes flicked up to his face. She studied him for a long moment. “Look at you, Peter, you’ve gotten so big..... the big, strong man I always knew you would be.”

Peter breathed a little laugh, dropping his head to his chest. His mother sat up, reaching to cup his cheek with her other hand. Her soft fingers brushed across all the dirt and cuts and scars, raised slightly even under the stubble of his facial hair. Even in the night, she could tell how battle-worn he had been. A far cry from her little boy, but still reminiscent of the days he’d come home hiding a black eye.

“You been fighting those bullies again, baby? Out saving helpless little frogs who ain’t done nothin’?” she asked, a brilliant smile lighting up her face.

Peter tried to smile back. “Yeah..... you could say that. Only.... I think the bullies might’ve won this time, mom.”

His mother’s hand slowly slid down his chin, then gently dropped to his arm, trailing along it to grasp his hand with both of her own. “Come sit with me, Peter.”

With some awkward difficulty, he complied, struggling to scoot onto the hood of the car without scratching it with the element blasters on his thighs. Carefully adjusting, he lowered his back against the windshield until he was laying side by side with his mother. Just like they’d do when he was a kid. Only this time he was considerably larger than her. His hand rested open beside him, and she softly placed her hand upon it.

And for a long moment, they just laid there, staring up at the sky. Above them was sprawled the Milky Way, spattered with distant stars. He had forgotten how wide and open and endless the skies in Missouri appeared. But perhaps it was easy to forget when the galaxy was spread out before you on a daily basis, and you had traversed it end to end.

“Mom,” he finally said, breaking the silence. “I think I’m dead.”

The wind picked up around them, catching in his auburn hair, and on it came the earthen smell of rain. A smell he hadn’t quite experienced in such a way for a long time.

“No, Peter,” she said. “You’re home.”

The hush of the swaying corn stalks fell between them. On the horizon, mountains of cumulonimbus clouds, gargantuan and stunning in their beauty, sparkled with lightning. A distant roll of thunder came sweeping across the plains. It reminded him of the same energy that had lived inside himself. Though always a Missourian and a Terran at heart, he was destined among the stars.

Peter swallowed hard, but tears began to trail down his jaw.

“This isn’t my home anymore.”

He looked over at his mother, afraid he had hurt her with his words. But she was just looking at him, silent, yet her eyes begging to know why.

Clearing his throat, Peter continued.

“I found a family, mom - not.... not that you aren’t my family, and not that we didn’t have one, but you were..... gone.... and I was taken. Against my will, at first, but Yondu, well.... he turned out to be the dad I never had. And my real dad - mom, you wouldn’t..... I can’t believe what he... well, he just wasn’t what you thought he was. He wasn’t what I thought he was, either.”

“You found your father? Where was he?” Meredith asked, her voice full of wonder.

“Actually, he found me,” he said, hesitating to find his next words. How could he ever admit to his impassioned mother that the love of her life had put a cancer in her brain, forced her suffer a slow and painful death, and tried to use her only child as a god battery to fuel his plan of galactic destruction and power? That the love of her life was a murderous, filicidal planet?

“Mom, you didn’t need him.... and I didn’t need him either. He wanted me to be a god like him, but... I just wanted to be like you. Besides, you were the strongest person I’ve ever known. You still are. Way stronger than he could ever be.”

Tears were welling up in Meredith’s eyes as she looked at her son.

“And I already had a dad, like I said. Yondu was tough on me, but he helped me survive this far, even if he threatened to eat me sometimes. And he was really cool, he had this arrow he could control just by whistling, which is about as neat as you can get. Oh, and he was blue. You woulda liked him, probably... eventually. When my Walkman broke, he gave me a Zune, and you wouldn’t believe how many songs that holds.”

She chuckled at Peter, always so enthusiastic and animated, just like she remembered.

“What happened to him?” she asked.

He glanced down at the stars reflecting in the car’s glossy paint.

“He saved my life.”

She smiled softly, stroking Peter’s hand with her thumb, feeling the pain of his loss but also gratitude for his sacrifice.

“Then he really must’ve been a good father. I’m grateful you had him, Peter.”

“Me too,” he said. “He wasn’t my only family, though. I have Rocket and Groot, Drax, Mantis, this crazy blue chick named Nebula who hates me but that’s okay, and then her sister...... Gamora.” His voice cracked.

Suddenly, he remembered hitting that ugly purple bastard in this head over and over and over and over, yelling at the top of his lungs....

“Gamora?” Meredith asked, noting her son’s blank stare and the way his voice had trailed off.

“I lost her....”

Another deep rumble of thunder rolled through the silence between them, he could feel it reverberate in the body of the car beneath him. He cursed himself and his foolishness under his breath. Suddenly, a drop of water landed on his nose. Then his cheek, and his hand, until the sky opened up above them and rain began to fall steadily. Among it all, Peter finally allowed himself to cry.

Meredith Quill, reclaiming all the years she had lost, wrapped her arms around her trembling son and pulled him into the crook of her neck. His cries were coming out in choked sobs and ragged gasps for air. She sang quietly into his ear, “Lord knows when the cold wind blows, it'll turn your head around.... well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come, sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground....”

She didn’t even need to ask to know how special this woman was to him. How deeply loved. And she hoped - no, she knew - he had been deeply loved back.

Gradually, Peter began to calm down to the sound of her voice. He wiped his cheeks with the palm of his hand, despite the rain slowly drenching them anyway.

“Then go find her, Peter,” his mother whispered.

He looked up at her with his reddened, moss-colored eyes like a scared child once more. He squared his jaw as he sat up to look at directly.

“I.... I don’t know how.”

She took another look over him, all dressed in leather with his gadgets and guns, just like when he would dress up like Indian Jones and run around in the woods fighting bad guys. Only.... a spacefaring Indiana Jones now. There was nothing in this galaxy he couldn’t find, she was sure of it.

Wrapping her arms tightly around him again, Meredith rested her head on his shoulder. He sank into her hug, holding her as close as he could manage.

“You found me again, didn’t you?” she said, fighting back her own tears. Peter squeezed his eyes shut.

“I love you, mom.”

“I love you too, my brave little Star-Lord....”

The rain stopped. The wind went still. The scent of burning filled the air.

Peter opened his eyes and looked down at his empty arms. There he sat once more on the planet of rubble, completely dry.

#my first attempt at a fic!#i started this a few days ago but then thought it was fitting to post for mother's day #peter quill #peter quill fic #meredith quill #drabble #mcu fic #mcu #marvel #marvel fic #gotg #infinity war #post-infinity war #avengers infinity war #avengers endgame #iw #* fic #my fic #star lord

12 notes · View notes

hotncoldimagines · 7 years ago

Text

Hold my fucking hand

A BakuDeku story in which you are Bakugou’s best friend, and try to help him out with his little (huge) crush.

Bakugou’s face as he saw you standing outside, leaning onto a light post at the entrance of UA, was almost worth your trip there. Almost. Almost worth the two hour bus ride, and the long walk through the cold, snowy Friday afternoon. You saw him roll his eyes to the back of his head and grunt, one of his classic friendly greetings, as he walked towards you anyways.

“(name)? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too”

It had been a long while since you saw each other. You used to be neighbors as kids, but then you moved out and visits weren’t really often. Your mother tried to console you saying technology was a miracle, that you will still be able to chat through your phones. But there was little technology could do if Bakugou didn’t ever answer your texts.

“So…what’s bothering you?” You started the talking, of course, as you both made your way to his home. He still lived at the same house he did back when you were children, and you were certain the walk wasn’t long enough to have this conversation. Which, you knew, it wouldn’t be easy.

“Why would something be bothering me?”

“You’ve been avoiding me” You said “You always avoid me when you are conflicted”

His answer was a mere click of his tongue, which you really didn’t mind. Since, with Bakugou, that was the closest to acceptance one could ever get. The streets were covered in ice, but it wasn’t snowing anymore. It wasn’t a coincidence you felt more confident than ever; let’s just say winter made your quirk more comfortable. You smiled, looking around at the streams of dark, grey smoke coming from the chimney of the neighborhood’s every house, feeling the power at the tip of your fingers.

Sitting down on a bench, you patted the empty space next to you. With overly- displayed annoyance, Bakugou complied, crossing his arms and looking forwards at the park, which just happened to be where you used to play together as kids.

You couldn’t help but smile, remembering all the children making a circle together, joining hands; and a certain blond, bad-tempered kid being left out. No one wanted to hold his hand, of course. Who would risk getting his fingers damp in nitroglycerine? In the end, you ditched the game as well to play with him, so that he wasn’t alone. That reckless, foul-mouthed boy, whose hand nobody wished to hold.

You sighed, opening your bag and lighting up a cigarette, earning quite a disapproving look from your friend.

“You’re still into that crap?” He growled, wrinkling his nose.

You chuckled, blowing a mouthful of smoke at his face. He closed his eyes to block it but it never got to him, and as he opened his eyes, he saw the words FUCK OFF written on the air in dark nicotine clouds.

For once, Bakugou couldn’t help but chuckle.

From then on, the conversation went pretty lightly. Even though he still didn’t seem to be willing to talk about whatever was bugging him, you still had a lot of other stuff to catch up on. The afternoon was long, the park was full of memories, and you both enjoyed each other’s familiar, bittersweet company, as he watched you use your quirk to draw patterns with the exhales of your smoke.

“Kacchan?”

A timid voice interrupted your chatter, and you looked up to see a short, freckled guy staring at you suspiciously. You arched a brow, and he immediately looked away, focusing on Bakugou instead. Somehow, he seemed vaguely familiar.

“What the fuck do you want, Deku?”

Deku? Was that the Deku? Bakugou’s other childhood friend? That guy that had gotten his quirk out of “no fucking where” and that had beat him in many of his classes? That Deku?

“I was just passing by, I saw you here and I thought I should say hi” He stammered “Sorry, I didn't realize you were talking to…”

“(name)” You introduced yourself “It's ok, nice to meet you. I heard lots about you"

“You did?”

“Ye-ouch!” You felt someone pinch the side of your body, and you turned to look at Bakugou with a scowl “Hey! What the-"

“Fuck off, Deku. You interrupted us"

Deku shrugged it off, as if he were used to being told to fuck off on a daily basis, and waved with a polite grin. However, as he looked at you, the smile didn't seem quite genuine.

“Ok...see you on Monday, Kacchan”

And, as suddenly as he got there, he left.

It didn't even take you five seconds into his absence to realize what was going on.

“Oh my, are you blushing?” You teased, taking another inhale of your cigarette.

“What?? Fuck no! It's the cold! You are red too!” Bakugou snapped, only corroborating your suspicions.

“You like him, don't you?”

Oh, just how funny it was to get in his nerves. You knew him way too well.

“What the fuck is fucking wrong with you, you fuck??” cold + a crush + anger management issues gave him the reddest face you had ever seen another human deal with “You are fucking nuts!”

“Remember that time when we were five? When that Joe kid had that toy All Might you wanted and since you couldn't have it you blew it to pieces?

“What does that even have to fucking do with this??”

You chuckled, always willing to laugh at his anger.

“It's the same with Deku! You are always mean to what you love, cause you hate the effect it has on you"

“What is that supposed to mean??”

You smirked, blowing a big cloud of smoke that turned into a heart before it dispelled on his face.

He seemed to get the memo.

“Oh hell no!”

“Hell yes" You elbowed his side “Admit it, you have a crush”

Never, in all of your years of friendship, had you seen him look so genuinely conflicted. So genuinely vulnerable. For a fragment of second there was something but a frown on his expression, and all because of that green-haired boy.

“Fuck”

Bakugou cursed under his breath, repeating in his mind all the tips you had given him. Although you had insisted he shouldn’t learn all the steps by heart, he had done anyways. He didn’t trust himself for these stuff.

STEP 1: TAKE SOME INITIATIVE. He needs to feel like you care, make him feel wanted! Ask him to see you outside from school.

And that’s exactly what he’d done. Sort of. As soon as classes were over on Monday, he had detached Deku from his group of friends with a single pull and forced him to walk with him.

“Where are we going?” His victim had asked, oblivious.

“To get some fucking ice cream”

STEP 2: LISTEN TO HIM. Your emotionally unstable butt keeps making fun of him all the time. Show him you care about his interests!

That was harder to achieve. He wasn’t that good of a listener, nor a good actor, and he didn’t trust himself to seem interested enough in whatever Deku had to say. Casual conversations weren’t his strongest point.

“Oh, remember that friendly tournament we had with other schools last week?” Thankfully, he didn’t have to think of a starter. As they both approached the nearest ice cream parlour, it was Deku who broke the silence “I met this guy with the coolest quirk! He could control steam! It sounds lame at first but he used it in such interesting ways! Do you know what he did? He used people’s own breath against them!”

“What the fuck? Is that possible!?”

“Yeah! He explained me how he did it!” He said, opening his backpack and searching for something enthusiastically “Look! I wrote it down on my hero notebook”

Bakugou skimmed through it, as best as he could as he walked down a busy street. Something about it seemed vaguely familiar.

“It kind of reminds me of (name)”

“That girl from last Friday?”

“Yeah, she controls smoke. It doesn’t work with steam because it needs to come from combustion. It works with cigs though” He shrugged “We used to team up when we were kids. Explosions and smoke. We owned the fucking neighbourhood”

“Wow, she sounds...pretty cool too”

Bakugou kept going through Deku’s notes as they reached the shop. There was a short queue in front of them, so he took the time to properly read some of the hero biographies, and he even asked Deku some questions. Which he seemed more than happy to answer.

“And did you know that Midnight could possibly make someone sleep for three days in a row if they were exposed to her skin long enough??”

He couldn’t believe he hadn’t ask Midoriya about his investigations before...that was actually really useful information!

Were those really the same notebooks he had ruined back in middle school?

“Welcome boys!” The lady at the counter interrupted them “May I take your order?”

After they both had paid, they went to find a table outside. Everything was going way too smoothly by then, but things weren’t really moving along. And Bakugou wasn’t really a patient person.

STEP 3: BE KIND. He won’t really know you like him if you keep treating him like poop. Be nice! Tell him what you truly think about him.

“Oi, Deku” He said, with his spoon hanging from his mouth. How could he possibly tell him he was impressed by his improvement as a hero? “You are not the worst pathetic wimp I've ever seen"

Ok, that was progress.

“Uhm...thanks?”

“And your quirk doesn't suck” He kept trying, running out of ideas, trying to go through your advice and think of something nice to say “And casts somehow look badass on you"

“Are you... feeling ok, Kacchan?”

No, he was clearly not. He was confused and flustered and so very angry. Why was he always so angry? Why did Deku make him so angry?

STEP 4: TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL

“You make me so fucking mad” He said, feeling his ice cream begin to melt in his hand “So, so mad"

Deku shrunk on his seat, confused, playing with his dessert without really eating it.

“I know I know, sorry, I just…”

“No! You don't know. You don't have a motherfucking clue!” Bakugou grabbed his own head “People always make me mad! I'm mad at their attitude, at their stupid faces and words, at their snobbishness! But you...you are different" He said, clicking his tongue in frustration “You make me angry at myself”

There was a short silence, in which not even the snowy winter air could help his engines cool down. He was so fucking stupid. You had said that, by that step of the list, Deku would have already noticed his romantic intentions. If he hadn't said anything about it by then it was obvious he wasn't interested.

“I'm...sorry" there it was, the rejection “I didn't mean to make you feel that way"

“Shut up" Fury didn't really feel like fury for him anymore. It was starting to soften, to burn in such a different way “Of course you didn’t fucking mean it”

“Is there...anything I could do? To make you feel better?”

“Hold my hand" He blurted out, senseless.

“What?”

“Hold my fucking hand for one fucking second, fuck!”

He extended his arm almost violently, palm upwards, fingers open.

Deku looked seriously conflicted.

“But...wouldn't (name) get mad?”

“What the hell does (name) have to do with this!?” He screamed.

“Well, since you two are dating, I thought that…”

“WHAT THE FUCK?? WE ARE NOT FUCKING DATING, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. WHY WOULD I ASK YOU ON A FUCKING DATE IF I WERE???”

“WAIT THIS IS A DATE???”

That was the last straw.

He had to stand up. He was pretty sure that, if he happened to stay one more second at that damn place, he would blow up the bench, the ice cream parlor, or even maybe the entire block. He could feel his face heating up, his forehead soaking. And that wasn’t a really good indicator for someone who sweats nitroglycerin.

He had to leave, he had to leave fast.

“Wait, Kacchan!”

Yet, before he could flee that new-found, so much bitter side of anger, there was a hand holding his, keeping him in place.

It was cold. Cold, frozen fingers gripping his own, numbing the boiling heat of his blood, his sweat, his chest. A chill slid down his back and into his gut, and as he looked up to meet Deku’s eyes, he suddenly wasn’t so angry anymore.

“Uhm, if this is was a date...then I guess I behaved pretty badly” He said, squeezing his hand a little “Can I at least walk you home?”

Bakugou blinked, confused, feeling so weak and off-guard without his fury, without his everlasting rage to keep him standing. Now, for the first time, he felt empty. Vulnerable. And he didn’t understand the emotions beginning to take place instead.

He nodded, and he must have looked quite odd, because Deku seemed more concerned about the expression on his face, rather than the flammable substance now damping both of their hands.

Later that afternoon, you got out of the shower and saw you had a text from Bakugou on your phone.

“What’s step 5???”

You smiled, assuming everything had gone according to plan, and immediately texted him back:

“Use protection ;)”

You could easily picture him blowing his phone to pieces.

THIS WAS A COMMISSION, FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME IF YOU WANT A DRABBLE ABOUT ANYTHING! You can find my conditions here! :) or you can buy me a kofi if you enjoyed my work!

#katsuki bakugou #bakugou x reader #bakugou #bakudeku #bakumido #bakugou x midoriya #bakuizu #bakugou x deku #bakugou x izuku #bakugou bnha #deku #midoriya #midoriya izuku #deku bnha #bakugou imagines #bnha #boku no hero academia #boku no hero

95 notes · View notes

smellycinnamonthundahfudge · 6 years ago

Text

tumblr fweinds

a year ago, i was tagged by @suplosers on two questionnaires and it is only now, a year later that i was able to answer em. i’m so sorry it took me this long but yah i’m just glad to get thru dis milestone, answering the first tumblr get to know ya post i was @ at... yaayyy ^^

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: tbd haha i still have to dig thru meh notifs to see which ones apparently took an interest in me so i’d like to take an interest in as well haha but oh @you-guys--are-losers, ur doing this whahaha hope it’s not too much of a bother, no presh watsoever ;3

the last

1. drink: ughh it's dis shitty stuff called hydrite w/c is basically salt water cus im sick rn and it's supposed to rehydrate ur shts or something hahaha

but dat was like a week ago... as of da moment i posted dis, it’s coffee from mini stop dat i drank at like 530 in da morn while i waited until i could enter the school cus i had to commute 3 hours w/ lil to none sleep

2. phone call: my father or one of my best friends

3. text message: the last one i texted was my sister and the last one i got a text from was dis org in school about the location for recruitment/auditions/interview

4. song you listened to: billy jean by michael jackson and i listened to it for meh tomdaya fic hahaha. But i also listened to halo by beyonce, untouchable and dress by taylor swift, and some other songs magmt mentions in her tomdaya fic hehe a week ago

rn, a metal cover of toxic by our last night

5. time you cried: haha i don't actually remember the context of it (i could find out tho haha cus i sent da pic to my best friend) but i took a pic of it while i did it which was on... july 16 hahaha. Oh but w8 oh sht i think i cried after that fudge w8 i don't remember the date (i think i can find this out too hahaha) but i wrote a sortof goodbye confessions letter to one of my dear friends and i wrote there that i externally cried (b4 i just said internally haha) so i'm not entirely sure i cried but i think im pretty sure i teared up hehe

6. dated someone twice: hahaha i haven't even had a legit love interest yet 😆😂 buuutt my best friend and i have "dated" as in spent entire days together w/ just the two of us, we even went to mcdonalds for valentine's day and got each other gifts hihihi aahhh gosh i miss her :'(

7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha im not even sure if dis happened and i have no plans on asking her about it but i remember when i was a kiddo, when my sis came home for some reason i kissed her on the lips hahaha dont remember if accidental or i just brain farted heck i aint even sure if it happened but das all i can answer cus well like i said, see #6 😆😂😆😂

8. been cheated on: hhmmm probs not, i have no idea if ive been cheated on in an unromantic way hahaha but in da romantic way, like i said, no love interest hahaha

Oh w8 does being someone's crush (i aint sure but it seemed like it) and crushing on dat dude but dat dude crushing on someone else too count as cheating? 😆😂😆😂

9. lost someone special: yes, all of my grandparents are dead. I've also lost pets, and i fear i may lose some of my friends due to the distance among us in this time of our lives

10. been depressed: i always wanna be careful over how to define depression. Like wat constitutes it... but yes, i think i have. Not sure, mind you, but yes, at the beginning of gr 7 i was really alone, i think i was bullied and i think i was depressed and going thru a really dark phase of my life back then. But then again, i have to say, i'm not sure.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: hahaha nope. I'm looking forward to getting drunk tho. Im currently underage so im not allowed to drink dat much yet but yeah i wanna know my limits hehehe i hope im da kinda gurl who can handle her liquor but i have drank and i have to say it made me all loopy and weird and just like woke or high or something hahaha so yeah man im excited to get trashed on my 18th bday hahaha (hopefully i get to do this tho huhuhu)

3 favourite colours

12. Pink

13. Blue

14. Gray

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yyeeesssss and i'm so glad i have hihi. I have made friends w/ a select group of my blockmates and they're awesome and weird, i hope to strengthen our bond in da future hehe. Ooohhh and i sure hope that you guys are losers is my friend cus she's been rlly great :')

16. fallen out of love: i guess the closest i've come to falling out of love in a romantic way is moving on from da heavy crushin on meh crush. But i dunno, i still think he's a unicorn n pretty special to me so i dunno hahaha.

But bro, i do think i have fallen out of love. With tv shows, with characters. Like i used to be so passionate about a few shows and characters but now all i have towards them is regret heck i cant even remember wat dey are but i know dat der was love lost. I know it.

17. laughed until you cried: hahaha yaasss i think so. It's either when i was with my best dearest friends or during the class of dis really cool and funny as heck joker teacher who makes us laugh in EVERY SINGLE CLASS hahaha ahhh das guy's so cool

18. found out someone was talking about you: oohh yah yah i think so. Either from my best friends or from a few of my old classmates i care about and had gotten close with. Da best friend ones was about something in my past/history (g7) and the classmates one i think was just dem talking about me and they told me about it ooohhh i think it was my crush hahahaha. They told me dat my crush actually admired me a lot hehe. There was one time my friend (the one who told me about dis) was putting make up on me for a school film, and my crush was da cam guy and he told my friend i looked pretty. Sooo im pretty lucky dat- oh sht w8 i dunno if it's dis year but oh w8 no, it was on my bday last year (dec 20) and da same friend said she was sorry cus apparently da bois make fun of me or something and she was sorry cus she laughed along too hahaha but i didnt mind cus i know im weird and i dont even know what dey say about me in da first place hahahaha. Ok das it im done, i think ive overshared now hahaha 😆😂😆😂

19. met someone who changed you: my best friends. Ive thought about it based on wat sup losers said about change for da better and i dont rlly think of change as something dat happens quick, i think it happens over time and u dont even notice it. So ok oh sht i think im wrong cus i met my best friends 4/6 years ago hahaha but for reals tho, i was in a dark place and if it werent for dem i think id still be lost lonely and sad. Uuhhmmm in regards to answering the question correctly, i guess my blockmates count since they inspire/challenge me to be better. OH SHT W8 i def think you guys are losers and dead end street and tomdaya receipts and tout de suite have changed me hehehe. Da first 2 in dat dey inspired me to write more hehe. Da 1st one inspired me to do this so i think this counts as change hehe. And da last 2 changed me in dat bcus i met dem, i became OBSESSED w/ tomdaya hahaha.

20. found out who your friends are: yes, i have actually. And it's all because i am now currently a college freshman as well as my friends.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahaha my fam i guess hahaha. But no one in a romantic context.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: hhmmm i guess id say about 200 since i know 4 sections of around 40 ppl and da rest is like fam and ppl ive met once/twice or have passed by haha

23. do you have any pets: yaaaassss 3 doggos: albie, juju, and biggie girl. Juju has a pupper named tchalla called dat cus he black hehehe and biggie has 2 biglets named mermer (meredith) and crissy (cristina) cus they're sisters 😍😊😊

My fam have also had a buncha dogs n puppers before but they were either given away or passed away. My bro also has dis cat named bob and i think he counts as a semi pet since my bro's home is a fam home.

24. do you want to change your name: uuhhh i wish i had an alliterative name like superheroes. Buutt im pretty happy w/ my name :')

25. what did you do for your last birthday: oohhhh i think i was at my section's christmas party it was pretty nice n emotional and i spent da rest of da day w/ 2 of meh best friends who bought me cake n food when my own fam didn't 😆😂😆😂

26. what time did you wake up: 4 am to shit cus im sick, but fell asleep again and officially got up around 730 or 8ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: haha tryna stay awake cus i had to drink meh meds and failed oh so much and i think i was asleep by midnight hahaha

28. name something you can’t wait for: tomdaya content, chatting/being w/ my best friends, watching da stuff i wanna watch, tumblring, reading sht i wanna read, vacation, writing fanfics, learning how to do a buncha stuff (write screenplays, make films n gifs, draw better), my bday when i hopefully get to do wat i want haha, avengers 4 and smffh, and captain marvel and antman and the wasp too i guess haha oh and the incredibles 2 and httyd 3 😍😍😍 oohhh and crazy rich asians

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: on monday which was when i was at home and not at my dad's n sis' n i's apartment in manila for school/work

31. what are you listening to right now: commercials on da tv as i answer this long ass questionnaire hahaha

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hahaha i had to think about dis one but yah i have actually haha he was my gr 8 class mate n i like to think semi friend back den at least haha. Oh w8 but he doesn't go by tom tho, it's just thomas haha

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself hahaha my shitty lazy ass procrastinating self hahaha 😅🙍

34. most visited website: fb specifically messenger, youtube, and tumblr

35. hair colour: hmmm black w/ a bit of brown i guess (ASIAN, YO! 😆😂😆😂)

36. long or short hair: neither, medium i guess haha. I like how long hair looks but it's such a bother n hassle haha. So i def would prefer short hair on a practical standpoint hahaha (im actually thinking of shaving the hair above my nape, yknow on da back of my head hehe)

37. do you have a crush on someone: well i dont have dat much of a crush on da crush i mentioned before, like i said haha. I have a crush on tomdaya, does dat count? 😆��

38. what do you like about yourself: hahahaha nothing 😆😂😆😂🙍

Naahh uhhh i guess i like how much i love tv shows, i love meh fangirl self, and i like how diff n unique n weird i am, how i stand out, n dat i think my dreams are noble n worth tryin out. N i like how supportive n nice i am n im just chill on da outside haha. N sometimes i like meh face hehe. And i think dat im hilarious n weird n ppl should appreciate me more hahaha das y i crave for more validation dan consulting researchers hahaha (no one laughs at dat jokes and it's like im da only one who finds it funny and come on, man, i managed to make a research joke. Cant ya give a girl a break?)

n i guess sometimes it's good how much i care but sometimes i wish my feels could just chill for just like a minute pls

Thanks, man. I usually just focus on meh bad qualities so thanks for dis question, man :')

oh and i like dat i can swim hehe

39. piercings: i have holes on my ears for earrings but i don't really wear dem

40. blood type: a, i think?

41. nickname: sam, sab, and i rlly want to be called smells cus it's like a more me version of mels from melody hahaha

42. relationship status: single, yo. Oh w8 but i am married to my bed and fandoms so dey always come first. Plus i love my friends 😍😊

43. zodiac: sagittarius i think but i dont rlly know/care about zodiac sht. Tho it's nice if it does match up hehe

44. pronouns: uhhh i dont know wat to put here but i assume dis refers to wat i wish to be referred by ssoooo she, her, and a genderless pronoun in my language siya

45. favourite tv show: ughh i cant choose. Friends, grey's anatomy, phineas and ferb, avatar: the last airbender, black mirror, doctor who, and all of michael schur's stuff, and modern family, grimm, person of interest, pushing daisies, scrubs, happy endings, forever, how i met your mother, gravity falls, sherlock, and yknow wat? Yah, supernatural too and the httyd shows and suits :') oooohhh w8 and how to get away w/ murder and i guess big bang theory as well 😃 the end of the fucking world, legends of tomorrow, crazy ex-girlfriend, the good place, timeless but it’s kinda depressing so speaking of w/c game of thrones and west world and a series of unfortunate events and stranger things and scorpion and lost in space and for anime, let’s go with yakitate japan and boku no hero academia

46. tattoos: none, but i rlly want one and even have a list of tattoos i want (pretty minimalist), i just have to think of da perf place tho (both where to put it and where to get it) and find out if i can still donate meh bod if i have tattoos, but one of da ones i rlly want is smileys on meh fingers hehe

47. right or left handed: right, but my ma says im kinda ambidextrous n i kinda wish i could develop it hehe

48. surgery: haha nope, never. But in terms of an interest, i love grey's anatomy 😆😂

50. sport: ooohh my main sport is swimming cus my siblings are all swimmers so i am too. But i have played other sports for school like badminton, table tennis, volleyball, some water game i dont remember haha, and a combat sport in my country called arnis

51. vacation: christmas vacay and i cant wait huhu

52. pair of trainers: uhhh are trainers rubber shoes? I have a couple, i guess.

GENERAL

53. eating: my dad (who cooked our meal), sis, and i ate afritada (chicken dat's tomatoey basically) for dinner

54. drinking: just water, but ugh i have to drink da hydrite sht again 😑😒

55. I’m about to: finish dis questionnaire n fall asleep haha

56. waiting for: sleep n happiness

57. want: to sleep n write n tumblr n watch n read n for all my problems to disappear

58. get married: yeahhh... but i think it's highly unlikely, man. So i aint counting on it but i do want it to happen, it seems nice having someone to spend da rest of your life with :')

59. career: hahaha i'm still just a college student, just a newly minted freshman actually. But i like to consider myself a fulltime fangirl hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: well, i havent rlly made out with anyone yet so im gonna have to say hugs i guess w/c ofc i love haha but i wish someone bigger than me could cuddle me for once in my life 😢

61. lips or eyes: lips cus they just seem so soft and sensual hehe. Plus i dunno man, eyes are kinda gross with muta (da sht in da corner of ur eyes when you wake up, it's a filipino word) and sht. And ya have to wear glasses/contacts if dey weak so it's just such a hassle. Tho i do recognize their importance n stuff 😊

62. shorter or taller: ugh TALLER. im a pretty tall gal so for once id like to be da lil spoon for once, for someone to be able to carry me and ya know all dat jazz. But i wouldnt give up my height for anything, makes me feel confident and better than everyone else mwuehehehehehehe

63. older or younger: uuuhhh for now i think it's a bit weird to date someone younger dan me, but for me personally, wat age i'd like to be, YOUNGER ALL DA WAY. it was just way less stressful and innocent back den, id give anything to go back 🙍

64. nice arms or nice stomach: haha nice arms if it means i can swing around them and they can carry me whahaha. But i do like em abs, i wanna feel wat abs feel like just once in my life hahaha

65. hookup or relationship: ooohhh i guess i fancy myself having a relationship for now hehe. Havent even had one yet haha.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant troublemaker whahahahaha. Like i have all these ideas of thangs to do n sometimes i do dem but sometimes da situation n context scares me into not doing it like a wuss hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: haha nope.

68. drank hard liquor: haha nope but am looking forward to it hehe

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: thankfully i havent needed any yet whew

70. turned someone down: uhhh i guess the closest i came to "turning someone down" was being awkward around my crush haha but to be fair i think he was awkward too hahaha. And in an unromantic sense, i turned down a blockmate who offered to be my partner in an assignment becus i already had a partner hahahaha 😅

71. sex on the first date: haha havent experienced it if das wat ur askin. Maybe imma be dat kinda person after ive had a couple of relationships but for now i'll settle for someone actually being interested in me hahaha

73. had your heart broken: yes, by tv shows, and by da crappiness of life in general 🙇

74. been arrested: hahahaha nope but dat would be CRAZY hahaha

75. cried when someone died: yes, whether in real life or in tv shows, i have cried bcus of death 😢

76. fallen for a friend: look, man, my best friend's probably the most important person in my life who i couldnt bear to lose. I love her more dan anything in da world so i dunno if our friendship is something more dan da "typical" best friends i just know dat i love her n dat i dont wanna lose her n dat our bond's nothing like any other relationship ive ever had

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: hahahaha not rlly 😅 im pretty unreliable tbh and i make tons of mistakes and ill never be enough ever and just in general hate myself and have 0 self esteem hahaha 😅😅😅😓

But there's a chance i could improve tho, a very very VERY small tiny chance... but i guess i'll take wat i can get :/

78. miracles: hhmmm not in da way most ppl think about miracles in dat, it's da impossible event. I like to think it's a miracle that i have the family dat i have, da friends dat i have, and da life dat i have cus honestly i think i'd be dead w/o em. It's a fucking miracle i have things im passionate about and things that i love and im surrounded by ppl who i love and who love me as well. So yeah, i guess i believe in those kinds of miracles :')

79. love at first sight: hahaha not rlly. Look, man, im a fat girl who doesnt rlly care dat much about looks so unless a person manages to fall for someone while dat someone was doing something dat was a huge indicator of their personality and thus it's not only da appearance dat da person "fell in love w/", den i rlly dont believe in love at first sight. It's just infatuation, bruh. Love at first sight is cheap and u dont rlly know any thing about dat person other than the fact that they're pretty (why they caught ur eye in da 1st place imo) and nothin, zilch. Unless, like i said, they were doing something important to dem n indicative of deir personality. But even then, it wouldnt be love. Like i said, it'd be infatuation cus imo love is deep and takes time and cant just HAPPEN just cus u looked at someone and thought he/she was pretty 😒. True love would mean knowing dat person to deir bone but wanting to know more about dem. So to conclude a ted talk from a bitter person w/ a non existent love life 😆😂😂😂, love at first sight doesnt exist, is cheap, and is discriminatory to "ugly" ppl.

80. santa claus: hahaha i know he probs doesnt exist and is u know basically just capitalism n marketing hahaha. But i dunno, man, i kinda wanna believe he exists just cus it's more fun n childlike n innocent 😍

81. kiss on the first date: hahaha yeah i guess so but i think i probs would have had to known dat person for a while before we decided to date. I havent had a first kiss yet sooo i aint just willin to give dat out to someone i just met/knew for like a day or something hahaha (i have no idea how dating works) 😆😂😆😂😆😂

82. angels: huh... i like to think guardian angels exist cus dat means there are like angels of pure light sent down from heaven to protect us from any harm w/c is just nice to think about, yknow? Hehe. But angels in da catholic sense... i dont think i do, bruh. Sorry :/ *shrugs*

OTHER:

84. eye colour: uuhhhh brown, i guess? Like i said, i dont rlly care much for eyes hahaha 😅 ooohh but da purple eyes thang ive seen on da internet sounds cool hahaha

85. favourite movie: aaaahhhhh there's just so many good movies thoo

But agghh fine. Ive come to notice dat my genre's pretty lighthearted w/c is nice actually hehe

Spider-Man: Homecoming, Rogue One, 10 Things I Hate About You, Moana, Coco, Mulan, Avengers: Infinity War, White Chicks cus it's just so goddamn funny and iconic 😆😂😆😂😍, i'm not- ok you know wat, da Pixar movies in general ok? I mean, how can ya not? Oh which reminds me, Tangled, and The Princess and The Frog, oohh The Avengers is also a pretty solid movie, ooohhh Love, Simon, godhs dat was just such a wholesome sweet n nice movie :'), oh and den i freaking love the Scream franchise, man. It's so good :'), oooohhh w8 maybe The Dark Knight cus heath ledger was just da fuking bomb in dat movie, oohh and About Time's da sweetest time travel movie :') w/c reminds me dat the Back to the Future franchise was just such a classic, man :') oh and yknow wat? Unbreakable's actually pretty fucking cool, man. I get shyamalan know haha. Oh and yknow wat? 100 Tula Para Kay Stella is da 1st filipino film i actually liked so it has a special place in meh heart :')

ooohhh and Black Panther, man, gods how can one not bring up Da King™? WAKANDA FOREVER :') 😄

Oh and hey yknow wat? I have a sweet spot for the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's kinda a guilty pleasure of mine hehe 😅

Whiicchh reminds me... the HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON FRANCHISE HAS GOT MY HART WHIPPED 😭😭😭

Oh and i also rlly like when harry met sally hihi :') and i guess the OG Star Wars trilogy's got a special place in my heart even if it is da way dat it is now 😢 :')

oh and i can't forget meh guardians :') Guardians of The Galaxy is such a solid film, bro. I loved it :') ooohhh and yknow wat? I actually rlly like Ready Player One, Baby Driver, and The Mummy (the brendan frasier one, who ya kiddin 😑)

oh and yknow wat? The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Music & Lyrics has got a special place in my heart, man. Gotta admit it :')

aawww and amelie, and begin again, and flipped and hercules, and room, and spotlight, and shape of water, and ladybird, and the princess bride, and the iron giant, and the lobster, and we're the millers, and what if and man up and shrek and kimi no na wa and a quiet place and inception and the lion king and to all the boys I’ve loved before and oooh tim burton movies are pretty cool, the animated ones, and I did spend a good amount of time obsessed w/ dis one so I guess cap civil war, and then big hero 6 and wreck it ralph, and the martian and inside out, and gone girl, and the lion king and forrest gump and spider-man 1 and 2, and les miserables and the devil wears prada and the book of life and the intern and the princess diaries and miss congeniality and aladdin and confessions of a shopaholic

And ok, ok, i think im done. Hahaha das it das my list of meh all time fav movies and i feel like rewatching all of em now hahaha 😍

#jazzessments

2 notes · View notes

picturediary · 4 years ago

Text

23.09.20

… and just like that, a week has passed…

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

But I have promised that I wouldn’t pressure myself too much about writing, so it’s what I’m doing.

I wish I could say it’s been an eventful week... but it wasn’t.

I wish I could say it’s been a happy week... but it wasn’t that, either.

I haven’t been well, both physically and mentally. I’ve been listless and lethargic, lacking both drive and motivation to do anything. I’ve been living in my head, too, moving heavy thoughts back and forth in my mind. It wasn’t productive. It wasn’t helpful.

But weeks like this one do exist, don’t they?

And I’ve been trying to be more patient with myself when they happen.

It’s Tuesday again, and tomorrow I’ll be back again at work. I had wanted to do that yesterday already, but I’ve had such a horrible night that it didn’t happen.

But first things first, I suppose:

Thursday, 17.09.20: Tuesday still was a good day. A really good day, I’d say. I stayed at home and tried to rest as much as I could. So I slept in, but my throat and head still bothered me. It was late afternoon that I managed drag myself up from the couch. And it seems trivial, so awfully trivial, but I was excited about the Lush package that was waiting for me in the hallway. It had arrived earlier that day.

This is what I wrote online:

“Maybe it‘s been obvious from my lack of posting, but I have been struggling a bit with Lush in the past months. I thought a lot about consumerism and what dedicating an instagram account dedicated to a company - and thus, consumerism - says about me. I‘ve been very, very disappointed when they took so many products - most of the products I use and love, in fact - from the mainline. I‘ve been disappointed in their products in general, especially bath bombs I bought recently that seemed to be... a bit too old to work. Of course, this year is tough on all of us, and companies need to do what‘s necessary to survive, but still... a bitter aftertaste remained because I can’t shake the feeling that the values Lush promotes officially are not necessarily followed everywhere in that company. That being said, I haven’t been this excited about receiving a Lush package in a very, very long time. I actually squealed sniffing the products. Loudly. I had thought I had gotten a bad case of Lush-nose and that I wasn’t able anymore to smell all the fantastic scents of their products, but that wasn’t the case here. (Which brings me back to the suspicion that they have been selling a lot of old stuff recently that they couldn’t sell during the lockdown.) But there it was: the smell that used to excite me so, so much. And a package full of goodies that made me smile like an idiot. This is Lush as I love it. Exciting, cute, and with so many amazing, unique scents. A little spicy, a little sweet, and so, so comforting. So here it is; my first little Halloween haul (not the last, because I LOVE Halloween)...”

And it’s true. I haven’t been this excited about a Lush package since Christmas, I think. I don’t know if it’s a feeling of nostalgia, or if it’s the autumnal and spicy scents that made me so, so giddy, but I finally felt that magic again.

Last year around this time, on Sept 26th namely, I made the little Lush-appreciation Instagram account. Last autumn wasn’t the calmest, most peaceful seasons of all time, but there were some special things that I carry with me ever since then: the sewing classes, watching horror movies with F in candlelight... and the first time I indulged in the Lush Halloween treats. It’s a very special scent that I have trouble describing, but I was so happy to smell it again. I have become a victim of their marketing strategies, that’s for sure... but then again, is it not okay to consume things that are comforting? Others drink or smoke, and spend hundreds of Euros a year... I indulge in bath bombs. It’s a controversial discussion, I’m aware, but at least I’m not going into it blindly. Not entirely, at least.

Being so excited, I showed F everything and let him sniff and wrinkle his nose about those things. It felt a lot like last year, and that was nice. It was before DT’s devastating email arrived, and although I was sick around this time and worried sick, too... a lot of things were still unspoken, and sometimes that’s a blessing. And a part of me, back then, actually thought there was still hope. Now, I haven’t heard of him for so long, and I’m well aware it might be months or years until I hear of him again. And sometimes that drives me crazy. Sometimes, that makes me so, so angry.

Because of course, there was no answer to my email. Of course not.

I dreamt it, even. And when I woke up on Thursday morning, my first thought was: “Well, it was just a dream. Maybe...?” But the dream came true, and it was no surprise. This whole thing has become so layered, to tangled with negative emotions and so loaded... that I should be grateful about the silence. Why can’t I be? Why am I running after someone who doesn’t want me in their life?

F and I had a long midnight walk; the first in months.

It became a small, much needed routine when the lockdown started. We ventured out in the neighbourhood after midnight. We ventured out into the dark, into the crisp air of early spring, into the mist and glowing golden light of the street lamps. We checked on houses that were built in the past months, we watched the cats of the village, saw a mouse and a wild bunny, and looked up at the stars. It’s a lovely little tradition, and we haven’t done it often enough.

So last Thursday, we did it again, and it was beautiful. The night was so clear that we could see the milky way. It wasn’t too cold yet, but cold enough to walk that bit faster. It’s a strange, beautiful serenity that comes with the night, and I’ve always felt like that.

I hope we can do it more often again soon, but F has been very unbalanced, easily irritated and stressed lately. There is hardly a day he doesn’t get upset about this or that, about work or the house or people or the world in general, and it’s the same phrases every time. Not that I blame him. His workload is insane, and it hasn’t gotten any better since the pandemic hit. But it’s frustrating to see him fight the same windmills every day, to see him run in circles and repeat the same little hell again and again. I wish I could help him, and I wish things could just go back to normal. But who doesn’t? We’ve been living in our own little dystopian hellscape for half a year now.

Although it feels much, much longer.

And I’m aware that a vaccine will not necessarily eradicate the virus. It’s highly unlikely. But this? This is hard to endure. It’s stressful, all the additional work, all the conflicts in society, all the panic inside and outside. It’s more than a small nightmare.

But during those midnight walks, sometimes, life is good. Especially like last Thursday, when the air was crisp and smelt of autumn, of damp earth and leaves. (On a side note: spreading the pine mulch a week before had been such an amazing scent-experience, too. It smelt so earthy, so much like approaching autumn that it made my heart ache just a bit.) Temperatures had dropped down to 4°C. When it had been 30°C less than 48 hours before. That, too, is exhausting.

I had a lovely, long bath to end the day, using the black bat bath bomb that was full of glitter and had such a wonderful herbal, autumnal scent. It was a good way to end the day.

Friday, 18.09.20: There are days when you wish you hadn’t gotten up, at all. Friday was such a day. I was irritated from the start, plagued by a restless night and dreams. My head hurt, my nose was so dry it bled (it still does) and my throat hurt. I was in a bad mood from the beginning. Facing the mess in the kitchen I’ve been facing for the last weeks every day didn’t help. In the past months, due to a lack of time, F has made it a habit to just dump everything – dirty plates, garbage, everything – onto the counter. I understand why, it’s not that, but it’s frustrating to spend a long time cleaning up, unloading and filling the dishwasher... only to find the same mess again the next day. I know... that’s being an adult 101. Doesn’t mean that I can’t feel overwhelmed by it from time to time...

To do something nice and silly, I took some pictures for my IG with those bath bombs – another awfully trivial, stupid thing to do, but it makes me happy – and enjoyed that, and prepared dinner when F arrived at home. I made pasta with my spinach and salmon sauce, and that was nice and filling. But F got upset over things to do in the garden again, and it was a tense atmosphere all evening.

In the late night hours, I watched a so-called horror-movie, although it wasn’t all too scary. But it made me think a lot.

I watched “Boogeyman”, that godawful movie of 2005.

2005... that sounds so close. That sounds so familiar. And yet, it was 15 years ago. Again, time flies. And seeing the movie, seeing the fashion choices and atmosphere, a world without the constant presence of social media and the pressure to be constantly available at all times... it made me feel so nostalgic.

2005.

I was 24 back then. Young. Skinny. A music major preparing for the final concert exam. I was broken, too. Bordering an eating disorder, which made me skinny in the first place, but I would lie if I pretended it doesn’t bother me that I put on so much weight. I loved wearing the pencil skirts. I loved wearing the clothes I can’t wear anymore today. I loved the world more than I love it today.

I was broken, and I went to see my psychoanalyst 3 to 4 times a week. I spent a lot of times waiting for a tram or a bus, and I always had a book in my pocket. Instead of my iphone. I read so much, back then. Now, the distraction of the internet is everywhere.

I miss those days, when the world was coming together instead of falling apart. When my body wasn’t my enemy, like it is now. Always hurting, always causing problems, a thick shell of fat caused by the lipedema that makes moving and exercising so, so hard.

Yes, I had unhealthy habits. Many of them. Back then, I created the scars that I still carry with me. Studying music under TO was exhausting and challenging.

But I felt a sense of accomplishment. I felt proud of what I was doing. Yes, I could also rip myself apart over a passage in the Brouwer sonata, I felt inferior compared to my fellow students who came from around the world. But I travelled to make music. I played in concerts on a regular basis. I was young and the world was wide open.

Am I romanticizing this time?

Of course I do.

Which middle-aged person doesn’t?

Middle-aged. That’s what I am now, right? I’ve used this word aloud for the first time last week, during my last lesson with my student A. I don’t even know how I got there, what made me say it. But there it was, loud and clear: “That’s what happens, when you’re middle-aged.”

It felt strange.

2005, I was young. It was the time when the future was wide open and the years weren’t weighing my down, when my body wasn’t weighing me down. Time was not a factor and everything, simply everything was still possible.

Now, I do feel time and its weight. Decisions need to be made before it’s too late. The future is narrow and determined.

And the world was coming together. There was a liberal air around everything. It was before the pandemic, before the financial crisis. There was a general sense of optimism, or am I mistaken? Just looking at some of the movies makes my heart ache. I feel like the world wasn’t as separated as it is now. The internet was there; a strange place with even stranger people... but it was before facebook and instagram and a constant pressure to post a fake, fabulous life to gain fake, faceless friends and fake, meaningless likes.

Is it bad that I get nostalgic about that?

Sometimes I think: but the world wasn’t as tolerant back then, regarding ethnics and the lgbt+ community.

But... was it?

Was it really?

We live in a radicalized world these days. There are only extremes left in a nightmarish dystopia. There is no moderation. There is no centre left. Only the wrong opinion and yours. The ability to talk and argue in a civilized way seems to be lost.

And here I am, witnessing the wonders and horrors of this time.

And looking at a face in the mirror that doesn’t match me anymore. Photos of myself shock me. I’m old. I’m fat. I don’t play concerts anymore.

Needless to say, I was depressed when I went to bed.

Saturday, 19.09.20: There are days when you wish you hadn’t gotten up, at all. Saturday was another such day. F was tense, we fought. It wasn’t nice. I tried to tend to the plants outside, but there were once again so many people around... I hate that. I hate that I can’t just water the heather without being seen, without having to smile and wave. I’m a hermit, always have been, and there’s something to be said about the anonymity of large housing blocks. We don’t have that here anymore, and sometimes I wish for a huge, huge, impenetrable wall around our house. If only it wouldn’t look stupid and like a prison from the inside...

While F spent a bit of time outside, I did what I’ve been wanting to do for three weeks now: I put up the autumn decoration. The golden pumpkins, the orange and red leaves, the berry twigs and candles. That, at least, felt like a small accomplishment.

I convinced F to take more me-time. I know he needs it, and badly. I miss him. I miss having dinner with him, but he needs it and it makes him happier, less irritated and more stress-resistant. So I told him to take that time for himself, and things have gotten slightly better since then.

I ended the day in the bathtub again, trying a new bath bomb that was full of spice and beauty. But my heart was pounding and I didn’t last all too long in the tub. But the scent was autumnal and divine.

��Sunday, 21.09.20: I didn’t sleep well and nodded off on the couch in the afternoon. Those days feel empty. I felt empty, too.

The best part about Sunday was a wonderful cooking session. I made homemade tomato soup and spent hours peeling tomatoes, roasting garlic in the oven and bringing it all together. That is the kind of accomplishment I have these days... not playing a whole concert program.

I spent the evening getting lost with my new ipad pro and the drawing app on it. It’s a little addictive and very complicated. I’ve been comfortable with the medium of traditional pencil art and have rarely tried anything else... and this... this is something. I lost track of time, scribbled an opossum, watched the new Netflix series “Ratched” and went to bed.

There was a text on my phone (among many... because that damn thing never, ever stays silent...) from my former student R. The one I have taught for so many years. The one I brought to so many competitions. The one who won third prize on the nationwide round. The one I drove to my old professor. The one who passed the entrance exam at my old college of music. He asked if we couldn’t meet or talk on the phone one of these days. He wanted to tell me what’s going on and how his future will look.

What to bet that means he won’t study music, in the end?

The rest was just more work, more appointments, more requests.

Monday, 22.09.20: the plan was to go back to work on Monday. That didn’t happen.

I had a horrible night.

I couldn’t fall asleep until half past seven. AM. I was restless and my heart was pounding. I thought about work, about DT, about life and the world and couldn’t stop. Couldn’t rest. Couldn’t sleep.

I dreamt, too. And vividly.

It was a strong dream about DT. I was back at home, with my parents. And I had to prepare a concert. But I hadn’t practiced, at all. My father had informed a local tv station, even. But I hadn’t practiced, and started to panic. I had to get ready, do my make-up, do my hair, get into my concert clothes (oh, how I miss that feeling...) and somehow, miraculously, practice some pieces to fill a concert with...

And somewhere in this mess, where I tried to find sheet music – maybe some duos to play with an old classmate – there was DT.

It was such a vivid, strong dream. So intense.

He was dismissive. He didn’t really want to talk about us, or about how things would unfold from here. And somehow, I tried to convince him that talking would help. That it would make sense to carry on. I tried to convince him that not everything was lost.

And because I had to practice, I just gave him one diary after another. Years and years, tomes and tomes of diaries, piled up in his arms. Somehow, I thought that would be a good idea. Somehow I thought, if he read it all, he would finally understand me.

I was under so much stress, trying to convince him to talk to me...

... then F woke me.

And I felt like hit by a truck.

For a while, I tried to force myself to go to work. Had breakfast, tried to get ready... but with so little sleep, I tend to feel both nauseous and lightheaded. It’s a dizziness that’s hard to be put into words. No way I could be patient enough to teach.

So I called my doctor. And surprisingly, he was on the phone himself. He gave me a sick note for two days. I actually let myself be talked into getting Tuesday off, as well.

I slept until F came home.

I dreamt about my student R., and that he actually didn’t intend to study music. But in the dream, he wasn’t allowed to, so I promised to take care of it, to talk to the college and my old professor.

I felt a little better when I woke up.

F ate dinner alone, and I watched documentaries about video games, continued with “Ratched” and tried to overcome both the lethargy and depression. I think it’s that; the depression. I haven’t been quite myself in the past days, and sometimes all you can do is take one day at a time.

I like the aesthetics of “Ratched”. The 50s vintage beauty of interior design and fashion. I love the soundtrack that is a wonderful homage to old Hitchcock movies. It’s disturbing, thoroughly disturbing, and I’m not quite sure yet if it’s my kind of disturbing. We’ll see. Maybe it’s just the lethargy and depression that drag me in.

Tuesday, 23.09.20: Again, I slept badly. I can only hope tonight will be better. Tomorrow, I must go back to work. I don’t feel worthy of breathing when I’m not working on a work day. But the night was short and troubled again. Pounding heart. Heavy thoughts. Restless sleep.

I tried to not fall asleep during the day, so I looked for ProCreate tutorials online and tried myself on one of them. I tried to create some characters for the guitar book for children I intend to write (will I ever finish it, though?). And surprisingly, when I looked up again, it was dark. Just like that, hours had passed.

F ate dinner with me, and that was wonderful. His company always helps when I’m feeling lethargic and disturbed and not quite like myself. I’m grateful for that. I’m so grateful for him.

And I really, really hope that I will start feeling better soon.

And that I will sleep.

I hope work will help.

0 notes

godlyvan · 7 years ago

Text

07 | CHRISTMAS GIFTS

summary | christmas and new year’s eve parties lead to the creation of baby mccann #3. only things don’t exactly go to plan.

warnings | swearing, drunk bondy, unexpected gifts, and an uber amount of cute ass van.

a/n | @mimiandvan and i came up with this idea when she asked if i could write a family one for van. was in a christmas mood, so i wrote out a christmas one. this one’s pretty damn long. it’s over 2000 words, which means up until now, november fourth, twenty-seventeen, this is the longest fic i have written. i’m going to dedicate it to @storiesaboutvan because it was her fics that lead me to posting mine. also, we’ve hit one hundred followers! yay! i’ve only had this account since august, and i’ve been blessed with so much. thank you, this is only the beginning.

Christmas was a time where everyone would get together at Van’s house drink, and exchange gifts. The boys would all come over with their girlfriends, and some of Y/N’s friends would come with their partners. The house would be filled with laughter and soon a handful of people would be drunk, you and Van trying to keeping your twins away from them, which went unsuccessful, seeing as Bondy was now telling the twins stories about you two from when you were younger. They were too young to comprehend his words, giggling when Bondy giggled. “Your parents are crazy!”

“Alright, Bond, that’s enough drunken fairy tales for Em and El, alright?” Bondy nodded as Emery and Elliot were whisked away in Van’s arms. They giggled as they played with Van’s hair, which made Van smiled wide. Y/N’s eyes landed on her boys, making Grace and Allie look in their direction, too.

“You’re so lucky, Y/N. You’ve got two healthy boys, who’re so giggly. And a giant toddler, who’s also giggly.” The three of them laughed, Van walking into their conversation. Van argued that he wasn’t a toddler, but when he began to pout, it didn’t help his argument.

“I still love ya, Ryan.” She kissed his cheek, wrapping her arms around his neck. He sat down, followed by Y/N sitting on his lap. They looked over their party, seeing everyone laughing and exchange gifts within their little groups, making Y/N smile. Y/N stood up and brought Van into the kitchen, stopping at the doorway, looking up at the mistletoe that was taped to the top of each doorway. Van looked, smiled and brought his head down to kiss her. “Bob got the boys something for Christmas, and told ‘em that Daddy had to let the boys come over whenever they needed to practice. Handed them little drumsticks, and now they’ve been banging on the pots in the kitchen with Bob. He’s gone and shut the door so the party wouldn’t be disturbed.”

“Bob’s a good lad, he’ll be a great father someday, you know?” She nodded, kissing Van’s temple as she got off his lap. “Where ya going now?”

“I’ve gotta give out my gifts, babe. I’ll be right back,” Van nodded, watching her walk away. He’d been blown away with how gorgeous she looked tonight. The mother of his children was walking around with such a glow. It made her irresistible to Van’s stares. He got up and walked off towards Grace, talking with her.

“I’m nervous, though. I’m probably gonna wait till later tonight, when you’re all gone and the kids are asleep.”

“That’s a good idea, but you’ve actually gotta do it, Van. You love Y/N a whole fuck ton, and she loves you endlessly, just do it and get married already. All of us have been waiting for a long time!” She laughed, punching his arm. He rubbed the area she punched, while he saw Y/N handing two gifts to Benji and one to his girlfriend, telling him to give it to Bondy when he’s sober. He was beginning to stare again, his eyes trailing up and down her body, taking in every inch of her skin.

“You’ve got some good kids, mate. They’re sleeping now, probably will wake up in an hour or two like they do at my house. Dee and I are going to head on home, got a little ways to drive. See you on New Year’s, mate. Love you loads.”

“Love you too, Bob, merry Christmas, man.” Couple by couple, they began filing out. The house was a wreck, wrapping paper was crumpled in balls around the house, and toys from the twins lay around in messy piles around their room and the living room. They sit on the couch in pajamas, Y/N’s legs on top of his.

“Today was a great day.” Y/N admitted, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He nodded, kissing her arm. He grabbed her hands, his thumb gliding over her knuckles. He kissed them lightly getting off the couch before walking into the kitchen. He brought back two glasses of hot chocolate, and a low self-confidence from a pep talk he had given himself.

“I’ve saved the best presents for last.” Y/N’s eyebrows furrowed as Van smiled at her. He began to get down on one knee, making Y/N’s mouth open, and her hands to over it. “I know that this is forever. Known that since the day I first saw you. I just, you know, wanna make it real. Wanna be with you forever and grow old and shit. I love you so much, and I cannot live without you. You’re the mother of my children and I want to have so many more children with you. And I promise I will always be there to protect you and our wonderful little boys. Will you marry me, Y/N?” “Y-Yes!” She practically jumped off the couch and into his arms. From across the room, little giggles could be heard as Emery and Elliot peered from behind the corner. They’d woken up and heard their Dad saying sweet things to their Mom and they wanted to know what was happening. Y/N called them over, their little feet pounding against the hard-wood floors. The couple swept their children up in their arms and turned on a Christmas movie, waiting for the kids to fall asleep again. “I love you so much, Van. You can’t even imagine.”

“Also forgot this,” he handed her a velvet box, her eyes flickering from Van to the box in her palm. She was frightened to open it, in fear that it would be another expensive thing she didn’t need. But it wasn’t expensive in monetary value, just rich in meaning. The box held the necklace Van had worn around his neck since he could remember, he had never taken it off in his life. “Wanted you to have it. And when our boys grow up, we’ll have to add another necklace to the tradition.”

“Van, I can’t take this, it’s yours.”

“It’s yours now. One day, we’ll pass it onto Em and El, and they’ll pass it onto their children.” Her hands grabbed Van’s cheeks, pulling him in for another kiss. They soon found their spot lying on the couch with their boys, all comfortably wrapped together. Sleeping with all of them on the couch was peaceful, if one woke up, they would kiss the other three’s closest body part, letting them know they were there.

But the next morning came right on time. Y/N’s nose filled with the smell of bacon and pancakes, and her ears began to be soothed by the sounds of Emery and Elliot’s laughing. She got off the couch, wiping the last bit of sleep out of her eyes, walking over and kissing Van on the lips, distracting him from cooking for one second. Your twins yelled in unison, running away from their parents. “Ew!”

Van and Y/N laughed, leaning closer for one more kiss before calling the boys back for breakfast. They groaned as the boys drowned their pancakes in syrup, transferring their pancakes onto another plate while they watched the extra syrup go down the drain, but nonetheless, they had a wonderful breakfast. And at the end, the boys put their plates into the sink, going off to play with what they had gotten for Christmas four days before.

New Year’s Eve came sooner than anyone expected. Only a few people are over, Bob and his girlfriend, and Bondy. They drank a little champagne and a few glasses of wine, letting the twins play with their toys while listening to the sounds coming from New Year’s Eve in New York. They all chatted, congratulating the couple on their very recent engagement. But soon, it came time for everyone to retreat into their guest rooms, each having their own little after party in there. Thankfully, Bondy wasn’t fully drunk, but just enough to become tipsy. Reason being, the boys had fallen asleep, ten minutes to midnight. Each laying on a separate end of the couch with a blanket pulled over their heads. “Guess it’s just you and me, fiancee.”

“Guess so. I love you very much, Mr. McCann.”

“I love you, too, soon-to-be Mrs. McCann.” It was five minutes to midnight, the new year beginning to roll in, bit by bit. They held each other in a warm embrace, Y/N’s arms wrapped around his waist, as well and Van’s arms wrapped around hers. Their foreheads rest together, eyes staring into each others. They could hear the thirty second countdown beginning.

“We should have another kid.” Van really looked at her, staring into her eyes as they got down to twenty-five seconds. Van nodded, agreeing with her.

“Should start now.” Twenty seconds left. They rushed to put the kids to bed, rushing into their bedroom. Fifteen seconds left. They turned on the tv, the volume rising as Van undressed him and his fiancee. Ten seconds left. They stared at each other’s bodies as if they hadn’t done so before. Five seconds left. They got into bed, Van hovering over Y/N’s body. “Happy New Year.”

As the tv yelled Happy New Year, they kissed, beginning their new year trying to conceive baby McCann #3.

four months later.

The waiting room wasn’t packed, but they were sure busy. Women sat in chairs at various stages of pregnancy. Y/N looked at all of them, admiring each stage of baby bumps that showed in every direction. She smiled, holding her stomach as her and Van’s name were called. They followed the nurse into one of the many rooms they had, asking her to sit down on the table. She did so willingly, asking if she could take off her shoes. And with permission from the nurse, she did.

She checked blood pressure and went over all the areas Y/N checked off as areas of concern. Then, they were instructed to wait until their doctor showed. Y/N’s nerves wracked up, Van lips coming to kiss her knuckles reassuringly. “Everything’s gonna be alright, baby. You’re fine, okay?”

Y/N nodded as Jackie came in, welcoming the pair with a huge smile, “I hear you’re pregnant again, congratulations. You’re very lucky. I assume we’re checking up on the baby today, so I’m going to need you to lift up your shirt and pull your pants down a little. I’m just gonna put this down here, but you’ve been through this all before, so I’m not gonna walk you through it again.”

“Thanks, Jackie.” Jackie nodded, squirting the cold gel onto Y/N’s stomach. The little wand glided over every inch it needed to, finding three heartbeats. “Are those - are those heartbeats?”

“It appears you’re having triplets, Y/N. Congratulations once again!” Y/N’s widened, looking over at Van who’s laughing his head off. Jackie looked between the two of your reactions, knowing triplets wasn’t something the couple had thought of.

“I’m that good, huh, babe?” He asked between fits of laughter. Jackie cleaned up Y/N’s stomach, handing her a prescription for the list of medications she’s going to take.

“How is this even possible? We’ve had twins, and now we’re going to have fucking triplets. Are we even gonna have enough room for them, Van?”

“Of course we’ll have room, darlin’! If not, I’ll get us a bigger house, don’t you worry! We’ve just gotta worry about keeping these three snots safe, I promised you I’d protect you and our kids, always.” Jackie admired the love they shared, smiling at the two as she went over proper care for having triplets.

“You ready to go through this, knowing you’re having triplets? I know this can be overwhelming.”

“I’m all good now. Just feel like a fairy tale, you know? Didn’t think I’d be having twins, let alone triplets. Oh god, your mum’s gonna have a field day, Van. What’re we gonna tell her?!” Van put on her shoes, slipping them on one at a time before tying them gently. He looked up at her, helping her off the table. He kissed her forehead, licking his lips before speaking again.

“I’ve got a magic penis, babe, that’s what we’re going to tell her.” Jackie, Van, and Y/N all laughed, exiting the room with huge grins on their faces. “We’re having triplets, babe, just wait till the boys hear about my magic penis!”

#vanmccann #van #mccann #van mccann #godlyvan #my fics #fics

25 notes · View notes

blackheartseverywhere · 7 years ago

Text

Vent, If anyone actually cares enough to read.

I haven’t actually done a vent post since I don’t even know when, so here it goes.

This is the post that will literally tell you it all.

When I was growing up I never really understood why my parents didn’t talk, and to be honest to this day I don’t REALLY know the reason. I felt like they should have just divorced, I would literally cry and cry and cry all the time as I rehearsed what I would ever say to them if I ever got the chance to really speak my mind about their relationship and how it effected me. I got a chance once, and I got so mad, sadly it was through a text. I flipped out, and said you know what if you guys are going to be this way, and fight through your kids because you won’t talk, then just split. Move out from the same house, file the paperwork, and just end it. My mother said “you just don’t understand” and “there is more than just that”. I am literally almost in tears just writing about that.

Whenever my friends brought up my parents I would just say eh, they don’t talk so who knows/cares, to everything. Therapy really got my going about them, and I realized that I had been fucked up for a long time. One time when I began therapy, and my meds and all that fucking shit, my dad basically was like oh yeah its just all his fault and all that bullshit. He didn’t agree at all with my going on meds or seeing someone for help, he still doesn’t agree and its been four years since i started the stressful journey to try and get better.

In middle school I finally started to find more people I wanted to hang out with and started to smoke and drink. I smoked a hell of a lot in middle school and high school, and I realize now also that I preferred to be high or drunk because I didn’t have these constant depressing thoughts. To this day, I do still like to be high because it is a distraction, whereas when I get drunk I usually cry because all my life issues decide to show themselves at once.

Middle school is also when I got my first kiss, my first make out session, my first “feel up” hah. Nothing serious. I fell hard for this boy Dan Jackson though, and god what I would give to go back to the days when I was too shy to see his parents, and just didn’t have a single care in the world other than for him. He really did make my life better for the time that we spent together. To be honest, I don’t really know why we broke up the first time that we did. I just know that we tried again in high school, and that is when I fucked up and chose Dakota (we will get to him later). Dan and I just didn’t work out in the end which is okay because he really taught me the most. He taught me that when a boy cares, he really will show it, he will hold your hand and lay in a park of grass with you to do anything, even just watch a worm after his baseball practice.. literally we did that.. that was also the first photo I ever had kissing someone, I wish I still had that.

High school started.. and shit got FUCKED up. From the very start, things were all sorts of messed up and I knew it was gonna be quite the ride. Soccer was great though, literally the only thing that kept me going was soccer. I dated Colin, oh boy, I didn’t really know anything about him other than we went to middle school together and he sat with my best friend Mitch at lunch. Never met him before a pool party that was on his birthday actually, at MaryKates aunts house. I decided that day, at the pool party, that this boy was cute and I kinda liked him a little. Got his number blah blah blah, then we dated for what maybe a week or two??? Then school started and I decided nah this guy is not for me, I thought he kissed bad (literally was his first make out or kiss or whatever so I was a mean person for thinking he kissed bad when he wasn’t experienced yet!) Anyway, we decided to stay friends, and even ended up becoming “best friends” or so we called it. This boy man, he took me for the most wicked (and not in the RI way we say wicked, meaning good, this was wicked like the witch) crazy, far from fun, roller coaster ride of my life.

I knew he liked me, everyone knew. I just ignored it because I was more concerned about others... leading me to dating Dakota freshmen year. Dakota was awesome, I fell hard for this boy and lost my virginity to him, and he lost his to me. We had fun, well as much fun as you can have when neither of you can drive, you didn’t attend the same school, and his parents didn’t think nicely of you. Really though, we did have a ton of fun. He was always over and my mom and family (minus dad) loved him. He was goofy and literally over a foot taller than me. We broke each others hearts in the end. He really fucked me over though but honestly I don’t even want to think about that. He ended up moving to Arizona sophomore year and boy did I miss him. He told me he would write every day.. I got two letters, one he wrote before leaving and the other was mailed.. oh well.

Sophomore year was the year that got really all messy. I realized I was boy crazy haha! Just to clear the air to anyone reading by the way, not boy crazy like OMG I was having sex with every boy haahah, I legit just liked a lot of people, and by this time I had only had sex with two people, Dakota and Dan Jackson when we got together after me and Dakota ended.

As this all happened Colin was always fighting with me, and I was always fighting with him, about every single thing. He knew I was boy crazy and was really mean about it, but hey like I said, he liked me so of course he was gonna be mean ANYWAY.

Then Casey came into my life. This happened in like February or March I believe. I remember Pat was away on vacation, Pat was a mutual friend we both hung with, I always was with Pat getting food or ice cream or whatever, he was my best friend, other than CoCo aka Colin. Casey and I had started to text, honestly not sure how. We decided to meet up and get breakfast, we went to the handy and i literally remember I got a bagel with cream cheese, and that he looked like something I wanted to eat more than that bagel.. and my ass legit to this day, eats a bagel with cream cheese most days! Goddddd, I legit was like holy fuck, this boy is who I want to last. He was AMAZING, every thing I ever wanted. (Colin was ticked because it was his friend!!! hahahaha) I was sooo happy for the couple months I got to spend with this boy. I never had all the bad thoughts about my entire life while I was around him. He took my breath away, he made me feel pretty, he kissed me in the hallway after school for everyone to see. I was literally love struck. Never did we say we loved each other, because it wasn’t love just yet. We were just really happy together.

Spring break came. I was going on a school trip to Costa Rica, Casey sadly was not coming, but Colin was. Casey and I met up before I had to go to Rogers to meet the bus for midnight. Casey has just gotten his license not too long before so he picked me up and we went for a drive, happiest most amazing most exciting (in my pants, sadly no full on sex on that ride haahah just a lot of touching) car ride ever. Then he kissed me so sweetly goodnight and it was that night, that, that fucking night, that I had my last kiss with Casey Harrington. If i knew that I would have changed how everything went down following that kiss, and that week that was coming.

In Costa Rica Colin kept trying to get with me, he knew I was with Casey, and mind you he had a girlfriend! A girl on the trip made a phone call home and low and behold it got to Casey that Colin and I were hooking up.. WE WERE NOT. Shit was all fucked up now, I confronted the girl and basically was like FUCK YOU, YOU LYING FUCK. This trip was the first time Colin saw me cry, and it was because things were over now and I could not change it all the way in Costa Rica. I cried for real, and he cried also, though I bet he would deny that. We kissed that night and decided well, if they think we hooked up fuck it. WE DID NOT HAVE SEX we made out. THAT IS ALL. MADE OUT.

I got home to a lot of mean messages from more than one person. I had Colin and I had Pat ( and Steph, she was there through all of this though we had a rough patch about Dakota...). I was a mess, I missed Casey, and told Colin I was going to try to get him back. It didn’t work, although once I saw him out and he kissed me right on the fore head and told me he was sorry and regretted not taking me to prom.. I almost cried in front of the world that night.

I got with Colin. We ended up dating. He was fucked up, and I was fucked up. Mentally. We fought all the time, literally allll the time. But people loved us together and always were saying they knew we would date, and probably get married one day. FUCK NO. I was in the midst of literally breaking down all the time, and I definitely became depressed during this relationship. I do not blame my depression fully on Colin but some of it was him. We were on and off, and really happy at times. We went out on dates, my family loved him (again minus my dad). His family definitely didn’t like my shyness but oh well.

In the end we broke up after Junior year, he talked shit to all my guy friends about me. They all stopped talking to me. Until after high school when most stopped caring and we became acquaintances again. Colin told everyone I was a “dead fish” and well to him I just never wanted to be on top during sex. He legit made me feel bad about myself. Why would I want to do something where he could again, judge me. Literally, he made me never ever want to be on top, he ruined my self esteem and made me hate myself more than I already did.

We were both fucked up and nuts. He hated me and I hated him. But we were so in love with each other at the same time. This summer my dog passed away, I got into my first car accident, got my first speeding ticket. Then I beat a girl up because they hooked up, and he got out of my car because of a boy I was hooking up with to go punch him in the face... literally nuts.

I spent my entire, ENTIRE, summer before senior year, drunk as hell. Me and Taylor, and then Danny G came into the crew. Danny and I started hooking up, I took his virginity, we were both a bit drunk that night, but we kept hooking up, even sober hhaha. Danny and I kept things up and were together all the time, either at my house or Steph’s or his or just in the car, for the whole summer and a little more after summer. Sadly one day I decided i still kinda felt for Colin and that didn’t sit well with him, I still feel bad about that.

God, I was so fucked up. Between my parent’s hating each other, Colin and I hating each other, and me realizing that I was insane, I was depressed and full of fucking rage! Soccer started and I was happy again, I got my anger out through the sport. The breakfast club began when Soccer did and that saved my life. We were high all the time, and drunk most weekends. We threw parties and we just raged like best friends did. Mary, Laura, Lily, Mattea, and Myself. I would never change the friendship we all had together for anything. Ups and downs. Those girls had my back. We all were boy crazy and we all had fun. I was definitely still relying on weed and alcohol though. I was back to crying all the time, every night, just sad and literally wishing I was dead.

Colin was in a few of my classes to start senior year, and I was not happy but whatever I dealt with it, and we just kept away. He started being a complete dick after a few months in. He would flick me off every day and just literally be RUDE AS FUCK to me. I had to ignore it and just act like it didn’t bother me.

Cocaine came into my life senior year, I fucking loved it. I didn’t do it too much, just when there were big parties or there were dances. I loved it, but like I said nothing crazy came from that. (I mean I am still alive and not addicted to drugs or anything so I am doing well even though I am a depressed mess.)

I got with Shane around Christmas.. he doesn’t matter though, he cheated on me. I just loved that he would buy me alcohol. LOL

I went to college the next year. I started soccer at Salve, and welp, I quit. I fucked myself over and literally RUINED my life. I regret that. Quitting soccer and going on that Costa Rica trip, those are the two regrets I have in life.

Days are passing and Dan V. comes into my life. We fall soooo hard for each other. I left Salve for two reasons. One I wanted to see Dan more, so URI it was. And two, I could not take the pain of seeing the soccer girls, and knowing, how fucking bad I fucked up. Dan made/makes me so happy. He is always there and never made me feel bad about myself or self conscious about sex or anything like Colin did.

Fast forward to the end of Freshman year. I failed all but one class, and got kicked out of college. I was so fucking fucked up about this. I cried and said I would never go back. But dad and I wrote that letter to appeal it. I got back in following the medical tests I decided to go through with to see wtf was happening to me.

I had gotten all the medical testing done, I was diagnosed with, extreme depression, chronic anxiety, ADHD, and my Auditory processing speed was below 95% of my peers. I realized that day, when I read that packet and I cried in my car that I really did need help.

Now jump to the middle of Sophomore year of college.

I went to therapy, I got the meds, I did it all.

Nothing fucking changed.

I wanted to die.

I got drunk EVERY SINGLE day.

I barley ate, and I really only wanted to go to the gym.

I got skinny. Too skinny at one point.

But fuck it right???

Senior year of College, aka my Super Senior year, I went back to Coke a little bit, and did it a lot more than before but still I was not addicted just trying to forget shit and be happy. I got drunk again, every single day, and just did not give two fucks about anything.

Now here I am. 23, I made it out of college even while I was and still am depressed. I am going back to school at PC, even though I have a BA in English and a MA cert in TEFL.

I am still insanely depressed and it is getting so so so bad again. I can’t seem to sleep. My migraines are getting intense, and happening DAILY. I still have Dan by my side and I am so thankful for him. But man, I honestly just wish I killed myself way back then. I still pray that one day things will get easier for me, and that I will beat depression, and I will just not have anxiety. That won’t ever happen though.

I just need things to look up for me. But I guess I need to be able to look up also for that to happen.

As you can see, I was completely boy crazy. I was overly in love at some points, mostly with Colin. I was bat shit crazy because I was depressed and for the longest time did not know it.

#vent care idontcare love hate anxiety #depression

5 notes · View notes

lordhighlander · 7 years ago

Text

Pearl

Hi there everyone!

So before i actually post the entirety of the story that I wrote, i’ll just drop few notes here:

First off, these short stories i will write will most likely be one-offs and not related to each other, because i want to purposefully avoid writing longer stories as i have ill tendency of trying to build too big worlds (thanks to Tolkien for that) also they have a tendency to end on cliffhangers because i am a cruel person and i want you to imagine yourself how those stories would go on from there

Average length will be 3-5 pages, this first one being 3 pages

I write a story based on a single word (preferably not name but i can work with those too) it can be either substantive or a verb, i can work with both. Feel free to recommend a word, i’ll just pick on on random and try to do story in about a week or so.

For this first idea I want to thank my good friend @ladaur, sorry it took me this long to actually get real work done on it ^^

Without further ado:

Seagulls shrieking on the blue sky and waves crashing against the ship. This was the kind of life Pearl had lived for the past 10 years. She looked at her own image from the small hand mirror her stepfather had bought her from last port town they stopped in.

From mirror two deep brown eyes stared back at her. Surrounding these eyes were gentle graceful facial features and long midnight black hair. Her skin was light brown from the tan she had gotten from working on open-air ship for so long.

She smirked and put the mirror away, again wondering how such a small bauble managed to keep her entertained on these long travels from one port city to another. The Seas of Cirion were wide as the known land masses were split into bunch of smaller islands by The Great Turmoil over 300 years ago.

“Hey lass, quit daydreaming and go help Donnie over there with the sail, we need to take a turn to starboard here if we want to reach city of Strain by the evening, we don’t wanna get caught by the Naga around here after dark.” Voice belonged to Pearl’s stepfather, Angus McCrown who was well-known seafarer in this part of the world.

Angus was a 50 year old man of brawny character from all of his long years working the ships on the sea. His always smiling face was ringed by red hair and beard. Angus was not married nor did he have any kids, probably one of the reasons why he had adopted the young stowaway girl 10 years ago. Thinking about that made Pearl smile as she hurried to help Donnel with the sail.

Pearl did not remember that much about event all those years ago but as Angus told it he had noticed one of the coverings of the boat move when doing a patrol on the ship that night. After lifting the covering he had discovered a terrified little girl who was obviously starving. Angus had taken pity on the poor girl and taken her to ship kitchen to feed her. The girl had nothing except her rags on her and no memory of her real name, except for the small pearl she had in a simple necklace around her neck. Angus had decided that for the time being girl could stay with him and his crew on his ship, at least until they found the parents or at least relatives of the girl.

But years had passed by and no one had recognized the girl or looked after anyone matching her description, so by the time Pearl was 15 Angus officially decided to adopt her and gave her the name.

Lightly stepping with years of experience Pearl climbed the staff up to reach the robes that were used to adjust the sails. Up here the sea wind was harsh but Pearl was so used to it that it did not even affect her. She released the robes keeping the sails on place and shouted to Donnel to change their positionings. Donnel did as order and as Angus turned the helm so did the ship also take a new heading: the city of Strain.

Strain is a capital city of Dioran, one of the 2 states on small continent of Disalea at the eastern edge of the sea of Cirion. Dioran and it’s eternal nemesis Taus had been in war basically ever since the Great Turmoil and were showing no signs of stopping anytime soon.

Strain itself was large sprawling city, but the eternal war had taken its toll on it. Only parts inhabited by the truly rich and powerful were still in prime condition, rest of the city looked somewhat downtrodden these days. However Strain’s crown jewel was the palace of Archmagos, where the high warlock of Dioran resided. Dioran after all was what other nations referred to as Mage Tyranny, as in only mages were allowed to hold higher echelons of power and rule armies and offices.

Approaching Strain made Pearl always bit nervous as she had heard all the stories about sinister mages kidnapping foreigners who were unfortunate enough to get separated from their friends and using them on sinister experiments and spells. This of course as she well knew might not be true at all and could just be slander and propaganda from Tausian Inquisition.

Tausian Inquisition believed that all magic, no matter how or for what it was used, was evil and corrupting and therefore magic users should be either jailed or executed, Taus however even with their quite extreme views was a relatively democratic country with all men and women having a say in electing representatives to holy see which then elected Grand Inquisitor to lead their nation.

Pearl as a non-magic user of course would have prefered Taus if it was not for their very hostile and suspicious attitude towards outsiders, but that was a moot point as Taus was inland nation so there was no reason for Angus to do trade with them.

As sun was setting they finally came to eye distance of the great port of Strain. It was a truly magnificent sight: Storm walls made of purest marble with decorations that defined common sense and must have surely been made with aid of magic. The walls stretched up at least for 20 meters and only relatively narrow pathway lead inside the mighty walls.

As their ship Meriadock slipped into port the dock master came out to greet them and make sure they were not carrying any illegal cargo. Pearl took the opportunity to look around the dock while Angus was talking with the dockmaster, taking in the sights and smells of the lively dock. On eastern side of the harbor where Meriadock also resided were all the merchant and civilian ships, this was also the much more lively side of the dock with sounds of laughter and commerce everywhere. The western side of the dock was reserved for Diorianese navy but only few of the ships were currently on port as most of them were out on the sea patrolling or raiding Taurisian shipping lines. However those ships that were in the port were creeping Pearl out, they were all Black ships with dark purple sails but that was not what was so unnerving about these ships. Here and there she could catch a glimpse of one the magii of Dioran who were assigned to their specific ships, just lording over their crew. The creepy thing was not these haughty magii, it was the common sailors, for none of them sowed their face. They were wearing all black cowl from head to toe with their faces covered by white mask with black spots for eyes and no mouth piece.

Pearl tore her gaze from these silent men as she heard Angus call out her name. Angus looked more serious than normal and said with very slight undertone of worry in his voice: “Oi lass, good ol dock master here claimed that there is someone in town who claims to have recognized you”. Pearl froze. Could it be? That finally after almost 10 years she might find her parents or at least a clue about them? “Take me to this person, please!” She almost yelled out of anxiousness to hear about possible leads. Dock master smiled and signed over a young and handsome guard captain by the Name of Revallion. Revallion was tall lean man with athletic features dressed in the purple-gold Diorian royal guard armor and had a magnificent saber on his waist.

Pearl followed Revallion out from the docks and up through the city, first she thought they would head to one of the many taverns or inns or maybe even merchant houses, instead they kept going up and up through the city to very heart of the city. Eventually she realized they were standing right in front of the gate to the Achamagos’ palace. “What have i gotten myself into?” she though before the large golden gate were swung open by unseen magic somewhere out of sight.

In they headed climbing a spiralling staircase to the very doors of the magos’ throne room. These doors opened to them too and for the first time Pearl saw the Archmagos Perennion, the tyrant of Dioran. He was a magnificent man who did not look an year older than 40. He had long black as night hair falling from his shoulders all the way down to the ground. He also had kind and wise face, even if bit pale. On him he was wearing a full on gold-black plate armor etched with runes and symbols so odd yet somehow familiar looking to Pearl. On his left leaning to the throne was his magical halberd known as Deathbringer, rumored to be able to pierce any armor as well as channel arcane magics.

Archmage Perennion was looking right at her and he was smiling. Suddenly he started speaking on a deep yet soft voice saying: “Welcome home my child, long have i missed you”

1 note · View note

lillianfromaccounting · 7 years ago

Text

Happy birthday Katie!

To one of my partners in crime @katiekeysburg, even though you’re moving across the country, I’m happy for you and I hope it’ll bring all the fun and growth that you want.

Note: I wrote most of this over the last year and a half or so. I’ve had snippets in draft forever. I knocked out the last part tonight and I promise I’ll actually write out some of the events that I glossed over in this. I really hope you like it. I really love this universe. (To everyone else, sorry, there’s a ton of inside jokes that no one else will get. This is a fic for Katie. I don’t even know why I’m posting it publicly).

Malted - First Anniversary and Charlie’s Proposal

Billy walked into Malted and was greeted by Niall, the young Simon Pegg lookalike.

“Ms. Billy, where would you like to sit tonight?” he asked.

“The usual, Niall,” she replied.

“Of course,” he said, leading her to her seat at the bar.

“The lovely Ms. Billy,” Victor, the bartender who looked like Enver greeted, “I have just the drink for you!” He muddled up some herbs and fruit in a glass and poured a concoction out of a chilled shaker. “I call it Billy’s Sunrise.” The muddled fruit on the bottom of the glass gave it a cloudy look, while the liquid above seemed to weave between shades of sepia, red, and orange.

“That’s beautiful, Victor! I don’t know if I could drink that...oh, who am I kidding? Of course, I could drink that. Thank you!” She took a sip of the drink and closed her eyes, savoring all the flavors. She opened her eyes to find a tall, blonde gentleman standing to her right.

“May I have this seat?” he asked.

“Of course. It’s a free country,” she replied.

“I’ll have what she’s having,” he said to Victor. “You come here often?”

“Not as often as I would like, but often enough,” she responded.

“How about you and I blow this popsicle stand and run off into the sunset?”

“Oh, I don’t think my boyfriend would appreciate that too much.”

“Yeah? I can probably take him. I’d give a good fight.”

“I might pay to see that...so what are we talking, Steve Rogers vs. Johnny Storm? I’m not sure who’d win that one, actually.”

“Cap always wins,” Chris said.

“But the fire…”

“Cap always wins.”

“What about...Lucas Lee vs. Curtis?”

“Well...Lucas Lee got beat by Michael Cera, so really, I’m going to have to go with Curtis on that one.”

“But Curtis is dead.”

“Presumed dead.”

“I could start a bracket with this…”

“Doesn’t matter. Cap always wins. This drink is amazing by the way. Fantastic job, Victor!”

“I’m glad you like it,” Victor replied.

Chris clinked Billy’s glass, “Happy anniversary.”

“Happy anniversary,” she replied, sipping her drink.

Chris laced his fingers with hers and squeezed firmly before letting go. He wanted nothing more at that moment than to kiss her, to show her how much she meant to him, but they had an understanding. Public displays of affection just don’t come with this territory and he was grateful that she was extremely understanding about it. Still, there were times when he couldn’t help himself, so he would squeeze her hand and look into her eyes. She would return his gaze with her usual whimsy and knowing. Somehow, the quick exchange would be enough to reassure him of her affection, but more so, it reminded him of her constant patience since they had gotten back together that night in Hoboken.

It has been a surreal year since the bizarre night of Katie’s birthday.

While Chris and Billy only reunited in February, Charlie and Katie might as well had been picking out china patterns, even though neither were the type to pick out china patterns. The summer had brought lots of family parties. Chris and Billy celebrated their birthday with a whiskey pool party, where Chris and Charlie met half the Klutz family and close friends. They all spent Fourth of July up in Boston, where Billy and the kids met Chris’ family and Charlie got an earful from the rest of the Klutzes. The boys each supported Katie at a highland game into the fall, with Scotty and Ben attending most of them. In fact, earlier that day, Katie ran a demonstration out in Long Island.

Chris watched as Katie lifted the caber, moved a few steps to regain her balance, and then threw it forward in a way that flipped the log straight in front of her before it landed on the grass.

“Wow, she's a beast,” he said.

“She can probably squat the both of us combined. She puts me to shame at the gym,” Charlie said, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

There was a large crowd for this demonstration, and the boys hoped their sunglasses, ball caps, and beards would be enough to keep them incognito. They were also dressed in plain white t-shirts and black shorts, as if they had just come from a workout themselves.

“Look at that form. That's amazing,” Chris praised.

“You're ogling my girlfriend.” Charlie cleared his throat.

“I'm admiring,” Chris corrected.

“Billy's form isn't too bad either. Have you ever done yoga with her? She can really stretch those hip flexors,” Charlie teased.

Chris turned and glared at Charlie. “Why are you checking out my girlfriend's hip flexors?”

“It's purely for scientific reasons, I assure you. Scott was there too.”

“Man, you guys hang out with my girl more than I do.”

“Your schedule is pretty daunting. I don't get to see Katie during filming season and press tours, but most of the time, she's only a few hours away, sometimes less if I work the flights out right. We facetime a lot.”

“Yeah, we use Google hangouts almost every night. Thank god for technology,” Chris said, taking a sip of his beer.

“Have you considered settling down?”

Chris sighed as he considered his answer. “We've talked about it. It's complicated.”

“Because of the kids?”

“No. Yes. Sort of. I love them. They’re incredible. She won't leave the New York area. I get it; it’s not fair to uproot the kids, but I’m not ready to leave Massachusetts. It's neither here nor there.”

“You could maintain two homes. How much time do you really spend up in Boston anyway?”

“This is working out and neither of us is ready for the next thing yet.”

“Well, if it's working out for you folks. Speaking of the next thing, can you keep a secret? I'm going to propose.”

“What?! That's awesome. Congrats, man!!!” Chris pulled Charlie in for a tight hug.

“Don't congratulate me yet. I don’t know if she will say ‘yes’.”

“Oh she will! I see how you guys look at each other. Hell, I called it that first night. Ask Billy. I told her that I want an invite to your wedding.”

“Well, if all goes well, you'll be a groomsman. I mean, if you think about it, you were a major driving force the night we got together.”

Chris gave Charlie a big hug as Billy walked up to them.

“So this is what you two when Katie and I aren’t around, huh?” she said.

Chris pulled Billy into the group hug.

“I told Chris that I'm going to propose,” Charlie said.

“Oh good. Did you figure out when?” Billy’s voice was muffled by Chris’ chest.

“Wait, you knew about this and didn't tell me?” Chris said.

“He told me this morning. I was going to tell you when I saw you, which is now, but he beat me to it.”

“It's going to be in London, when we go over for Christmas holiday,” Charlie replied.

“I have to keep this secret for two more months?!” Chris said.

“You can do it, hon. If you can keep Marvel secrets for over a year, you can keep this secret for two months,” Billy took a step back and exaggerated her breathing.

“I had the fear of unemployment and death with the Marvel stuff,” Chris said.

“You’ll have worse to fear from me if you tell anyone about this,” Billy glared.

“This is going to be so exciting!! I love weddings!” Chris said, bouncing up and down.

New Year’s Eve. Tower of London.

“Are we going to be able to make it to your sister’s before midnight? The Ceremony of Keys ends at 10:05,” Katie said, hooking her arm into Charlie’s.

“Oh yes, we’ll have plenty of time. We’ll hire a cab, it’s a short ride,” Charlie reassured her.

“Won’t the roads be closed for the festivities?” she pressed.

“The drivers will know all that. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine. And if we end up ringing in the year in a cab, will that be the worst thing?” he asked, pressing his lips to her knuckles.

“No,” she cooed. “I don’t care where we ring in the new year as long as I’m with you.”

He smiled and tilted his head, gesturing towards where a crowd has gathered for the Ceremony of Keys.

“So what did you think of the Crown Jewels?” he asked.

“Not as impressive as I expected? Some of it was kinda gawdy. It’s just a flashy, my jewels are bigger than yours, display,” she replied.

“So you wouldn’t wear anything of that sort?” he asked.

“No.” She shook her head. “You’ve seen the type of stuff I wear. I like colors and nerdy pieces. Oh look, I think it’s about to start.”

Silence fell upon the crowd as a steady march echoed over them.

One sentry cried out, “Halt, who comes there?”

The Yeoman Warder replied, “The keys.”

Charlie gave Katie’s hand a squeeze.

“Whose keys?” the sentry asked.

“Queen Elizabeth’s keys,” the Yeoman Warder replied.

“Pass then, all’s well,” the sentry said.

The echo of the footsteps receded quietly away.

“That was cool,” Katie said, turning to find Charlie on a knee. “Did you drop something?”

“Katie,” Charlie said in an even voice. “Katherine. It’s been a whirlwind of a year since we met at Malted. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about what might have happened if I hadn’t joined you guys, if I had just left through the back door as I normally do when someone recognizes me at the bar. I am so grateful that I didn’t. I’m so grateful that Billy sat down and convinced me to join your party, because this past year has been incredible.

“I thought I knew what love was, but you have opened my eyes to commitment and so much more. I find myself wanting to learn something new about you every day. I like who I am when I’m with you. I strive to be that person every day now and I guess what I’m trying to say is that--that I want to be that person--I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. What do you say, Katherine, will you marry me?”

He held out a black velvet box with an ornate ring. The center stone was a small sapphire with round diamonds surrounding it on a gold band.

Katie’s hand had been over her mouth during the entire speech, trying not to let her emotions get the best of her.

Charlie crinkled his eyes and tilted his head slightly, trying to read her expression.

The lump in her throat prevented her from speaking, so she just nodded. “Yes,” she managed to whisper.

The crowd around them erupted in a roar of applause. Katie startled, having forgotten that they were even there, but smiled politely at the passersby who congratulated the couple and wished them well.

After putting the ring on Katie’s finger, Charlie got up on his feet. He looked into those beautiful eyes of hers and then pulled her in close to him. He pressed his lips against hers. Katie’s arms wrapped around his neck, her hands running through his hair, preventing him from doing that thing where he breaks the kiss to make her kiss him back. They stood there, as one, until a guard coughed loudly.

“I’m sorry to have to cut your celebration here, but we are closing,” the old man said.

Charlie finally broke the kiss. Not taking his eyes off of Katie, he responded to the guard, “Thank you. We’re leaving now.”

As they walked out one of the exits of the Tower of London, Katie stopped Charlie.

“So are we still going to your sister’s now?” Katie asked.

“Yes, so we can tell the family!” Charlie said.

“Did they know about your plans to propose?”

“No. Yes. They knew I was going to ask during this trip, just not when,” he said.

“What if I had said no?” she asked.

“Well, then it would have been an awkward new year’s party!” he laughed. He leaned in and kissed her ever so softly. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Katie replied.

#fanfic #katiekeysburg #happy birthday katie #newtricks36 #malted #i write tropes and cliches #mine #i should really write this in order #this would probably be like chapter six or thereabouts #i hope you like it #have some beer and poutine for me!#she's responsible for me joining this hell site #so you can thank her for that

3 notes · View notes