#before gabriel got his memories of the last timeline back he was actually pretty against her being weird abt adrien but eventually just

[bigfatbreak]

dad villain au: did emilie just. not consider at all that adrien was literally dying at the time. wow

she's in the habit of deciding when Adrien's suffering is acceptable, and if it is, she'll just fix it later.

[starshipsofstarlord]

World Revelations

@etherealsxnder​

Warnings; spoilers for season 13, mentions of death, angst, lack of hope, some Alex Calvert x reader, and tiny bit of jack x reader, swearing, brief illusions to sex, angry brothers, mentions of a sex scene, insecurities, online hate, protective winchester brothers, apocalypse world, major character death, lucifer

(Y/A/N) – Your Acting Name.

A/N; it’s a little bit different from the request, so sorry about that, but I hope that any one that reads this enjoys. Also sorry about the wait, I had bad writers block, but when I started writing this it sorta figured itself out and I may have got carried away. Feel free to tell me what you think ☺️

“Look, I am not going to some other world to help stop Michael. But I can help you in another way, one where none of us get harmed.” Gabriel shrugged, reducing Sam’s expression to confusion. The archangel had felt like their last hope at retrieving their mother, into delving into the apocalypse world, and here he was, turning him down.

 He had tried his very best to make the celestial being better, and here he was, talking again, able to use his grace rather than have it removed and syringed into a demon’s veins. However, he still refused, and the hunter had no other plan in forcing Gabriel into helping. This was the last shot, and it had been blown.

 But however could he still help? This was the primary problem that had to be solved, there was no other route they could take to bring their family back together. And that was all that mattered in this life, saving people, remaining together.

 “What are you talking ab-“ Before Sam could complete his question, Gabriel set him with a poised glare, and snapped his magical fingers, a spark of electric blue grace sparking from the action. That was all Sam saw before he felt himself transported, and once he opened his eyes, he remained in the bunker, however there were cameras around him, and an entire filming crew.

 Gabriel had sent him to the other life, another world in which he presumed that he was called Jared. “What the hell Sammy?” Dean barked from beside him, twisting and turning his sights around, upon realising that although this looked like their home, it was an alternate version of it. A set, made of fake walls and truthless literature that was not at all necessary in this peaceful, monster-less realm. “Son of a bitch!”

 “Cut!” One of the cameramen called out, shaking his head exasperatedly at the line said wrong. Jensen had been doing so well, and Jensen seemed to have slipped far too into character, to the point where he had forgotten his lines. “Do you need to see the script again, or would you rather take a short break?”

 “I’ll go for the break.” Dean confirmed, grabbing Sam’s forearm and hastily dragging him from the onlookers, and towards which he assumed was his, well, Jensen’s trailer. It looked pretty much the same as last time. “Gabriel?” He asked, rightly assuming that the blame of this mishap ordeal was down to the glowing figure.

 “He refused to help us open a rift.” Sam licked his lips, his eyes jutting around the luxurious space. “And then he snapped his fingers, and we were here.” Here, another earth. However this was not their home, it was a disfigured writing of it, if anything, it was worse than the books Chuck wrote. There were more fans, and more complications that came along with being here in place of the actors.

 “We don’t have time for his tricks.” Sighed Dean, raking his hair with his rough hand. “Parading around as a painted whore is not on my agenda, all I care about is getting mum back, we have to get home quick.”

 “Dean, I don’t think that this is a trick…” Sam spoke to his elder brother, in thought of Gabriel’s words. “He said he could help us in another way. I don’t think he meant taking us away from the problem, there must be something else.” No matter how much he rolled the idea around his head, he could come to no conclusion.

 “What?” There was already plenty on the man’s mind, he didn’t need another incident coming their way. Dean was to begin speaking again, until a knock rapped against the door to his double’s trailer, intruding his mindset. Him and Sam shared a glance and frown until Dean called whomever was on the other side in, and to their dismay, he looked exactly like Castiel.

 Misha Collins. Last time they had visited this place, he had died, but the return of the real selves must have somewhat fixed the timeline, he looked well, even if he still was dressed as their angelic friend. “Hey, I was seeing if you are ready for the scene tomorrow.”

 “Scene? Which scene?” ‘Jared’ asked the colleague of his false identity, unaware of the context in which Misha spoke in. Dean only huffed and rolled his eyes, until Misha spoke, and he froze, both the brothers understanding Gabriel’s meaning for sending them to this world.

 “(Y/N)’s death scene. Apparently it’s gonna be quite emotional, and it’ll be strange after, not having the kid on set anymore.” It was a revelation, a nightmare that foreshadowed the truth in their own dimension.

 “Thanks uh- Misha.” ‘Jensen’ rubbed his hand over his face, shocked by the oncoming doom. They had already lost far too many members in their makeshift hunter family, but this was different. This was their sister, whom they had protected and vouched to continue doing since the day she was born. And now the universe had this grand plan of cutting her young life short, and sending her to either heaven or hell, where so many people they loved already were.

 “Do you know where um, (Y/A/N) is right now?” Sam asked, desperate to somehow convince her to remain on the show. It was the only way in which he could save his younger sibling, and he would, by the gods, do anything that he possibly could. Him and Dean had already had meetings with death himself, he couldn’t allow the new version to come and take you.

 Billy would not compromise, she was intent on having a Winchester under her cloak, forever taken from life, never to return to the living. And they couldn’t take a chance, any chance on not getting (Y/N) back, she was a legacy as were they, but she was supposed to live on for longer. Their names would otherwise be nothing more than memories in the world of hunters, until they faded into distant and dead members of the community.

 “In her trailer, I think. She’s rehearsing with Alexander I think.” The name that he mentioned was unfamiliar to the unfitting pair, but they spared no thought to it. Instead they sent him a quick smile before leaving the confines that they felt trapped in, and began their search for the actress of their sister.

 “We have to change her mind Sammy. If she stays on the show, then our (Y/N) lives. It is the simplest solution.” Dean spoke as they walked through the lines of trailers, unable to find the name that they were searching for on any door. “Where the hell is her damn trailer?”

 Sam squinted, until a name he had heard was seen on one of the doors. Alexander, whoever that was. Before he could even put any thought into his actions, he subconsciously knocked on the door, waiting a moment for an answer. And when the door opened, they were met with who looked like Jack, his hair a mess, and his shirt hanging over his shoulder, clearly put on in panic.

 “What’s up guys, need something?” He scratched the back of his neck, impatient with the situation, considering the one that he had been interrupted from. A part of him feared that this was one of Jared’s infamous pranks, he had mostly been on the end of shifted lines, but worse could have been heading his way for all he knew.

 Dean frowned at the sight of young man, it hardly felt right seeing the innocent boy that they knew with sex hair and slight bruises upon his neck. He cleared his throat, keeping up his expression, as he spoke to the boy. He had softened up to Jack, he was their kid in some ways, but this was no Nephilim, if anything it was worse, it was a man who impersonated they kid.

 “Heard that uh, (Y/A/N) was running lines with you. Y’know where she is?” Alex’s eyes shifted slightly inside of his personal space, before everything was given away by a familiar giggle. It sounded the exact same as the one that often left (Y/N)’s mouth. Dean knew it, he would never be capable of mistaking it.

 The noise had renegaded in his ears since she had been born, in the impala as John drove, through the halls of the bunker as her and Sam made jokes about his cholesterol. At the worst of times, before he knew that they existed, he liked to think that it was the voice of angel, she always guided him on the right path, and if she were to disappear from his life, he would sorely lose the track that he was hellbent on walking down.

 And he could see her face now, as she tugged the sheet over her body. A frown sculpted her expression, as she looked exasperatedly between Alex whom had tried to lure the tall pair from the confines of his trailer, and the intruders who had barged carelessly in. It wouldn’t have mattered so much if her and Alexander had actually been running lines, however the situation explained more than enough of the fact that they indeed were not.

 “Jared, Jensen, can you like, I don’t know, not cockblock me, for once in your elderly lives?” It felt peculiar, for both Sam and Dean. They knew that this was not their sister, but her calling them by other names was so foreign. Their skins crawled at the labelling, and it only reminded them farther of their cause, the reason that they were sent by an angelic being to be here in this very moment.

 “I am also getting bored of it.” Alexander tilted his head, in agreement with (Y/A/N), who only grinned at his compliance to suit her opinions, and Dean could only roll his eyes, just like he did with Jack the majority of the time. “But it’s cool, but can we hurry this along, I mean not to be rude, but aren’t you guys supposed to be filming a scene in like five minutes?”

 Sam cleared his throat, admittedly he did like Jack. The kid was sweet, however this was not him, it rather was a man who pretended to be a Nephilim for payment, and was bedding the doppelganger of his sister. If he were to see his sister and the devil’s child in such a compromising predicament, most people would assume he’d be the calm sibling, but they’d be wrong. He would go mad, and think of a way to keep the pair separate.

 But luckily for them, there had never been such adult situations insinuated between their dear (Y/N) and Jack, or at least not that they were aware of. This riled Dean, and so he couldn’t help but feel like exploding. It angered him that any man had laid their bare and lustrous hands upon his youngest sibling. No one was to have that pleasure, she was supposed to remain innocent, even if she were legal.

 “Seriously?! Jack of all people?!” He bellowed at (Y/A/N), shaking his head at their obvious exchange. If (Y/A/N) had any clothes on underneath the white sheet that hugged her body as she lay on the sofa, her instincts would have driven her over to Jensen and her palm would have met the side of his stubbly face.

 “First of all, you need to start remembering Alex’s name, and that goes for Jared too. You can’t just keep calling him Jack, even after I’m done here and move onto my next project.” Her words, although not having the intent to, had the effect of triggering Sam’s goal, in-deliberately reminding him of their foremost goal. It was not to get angry at the characters that played them and their loved ones, it was to save someone that was incredibly important to their world.

 “And second,” the woman in covering continued, “this isn’t exactly going to get me to stay on the goddamn show, if you barge in here, interrupting our privacy. If you don’t like what me and Alex are doing off screen, you sure aren’t going to like what is gonna go down between (Y/N) and Jack. Sometimes I do swear that you’re just like Sam and Dean.”

 The jab she made at them struck nerves, but they knew that this was not the real her. It may have looked like (Y/N), but this was only a woman who played the part of her. “We’ve been trying to make you stay on the show?” Sam asked, his voice soft. He didn’t want to be harsh, she was already uncomfortable enough.

 It was her unknowing that they were actually Sam and Dean that could be an element that they could use, a tool of convincing. “Yes, for weeks now.” (Y/A/N) sighed, pinching the point that was between her eyebrows. “And I’m getting tired of it, and overall, this character. I’ve played her for years on end, I think that her story should have a finishing point, a finale. I’m ready for bigger and brighter things, something that is not pretending to be a strong woman on set, and as soon as I walk away from the cameras, I go back to being weak.”

 “I think you’re going to have to explain a little more if I’m going to get any of that.” Dean prompted, both him and Sam had turned away, giving the actress in the sheets the privacy to change. The shuffling of fabrics could be heard, they had been in worse situations with their sister, small motel rooms, of which they could usually only afford one in the past, helped nobody. And none of them received the personal space that should have been an outright human right.

 “Of course neither of you understand.” Alex sighed, “she wants a smaller workspace, one where there aren’t so many eyes on her. The whole ordeal got out of hand, and now there are people online saying terrible things about her and I. Neither of you have made such a mistake, or had something so sacred and personal leaked on the internet. The things people say really digs in deep, she at least wants a break, can’t you understand that?”

 “Wait, what got leaked?” Sam’s curiosity often informed him of things that he did not wish to be aware of, and this was one of their instances. Alex huffed and rolled his eyes, walking over to where (Y/A/N) was now fully clothed, and took a seat on the sofa beside her, their eyes meeting and mirroring smiles shining at one another.

 The sight admittedly made Sam smile, but it made Dean feel internally sick. The sight of what looked like their sister and Jack fuelled a fire inside of him, he wanted his eyes to burn and the memory to be forever removed from his sights.

 “Look, you play a pretty badass character, although I’d say Dean has a bit more kick to him.” The man himself chuckled, but no one joined in, so he continued through a forced smile, coming to sit down next to Alex, his ignorance to what happened there merely minutes ago encouraging his brother to cringe.

  “But that’s not my only point, you’re here, whilst those sad souls that sit behind their computers all day waste their time typing crap. The life you have, the family that you have here, is worth more than the opinions of a few, invisible idiots, who are only jealous of everything that you have earned for yourself. Don’t breathe their toxicity win, because if you do, the bad guys win, and then you will only fade out of the spotlight and they’ll forget all about you, and all of the things they ever posted about you.”

 Alex had been understanding through all of (Y/N)’s decision to leave the cast, although to begin with he had tried to convince her to stay. And it seemed out of all of them, it was Jensen that made her reconsider her options, he could see it behind her eyes, the unravelling of interest, the flickering of hope.

 The only thing that the younger actor could not tell were that these were not Jensen’s words, they fell from the lips of Dean Winchester himself. A character that he knew of, and was an important symbol on the show that he was cast on. But it did not matter if he was not aware of that snippet, because it changed nothing, other than possibly (Y/A/N)’s mindful decision.

 “You know what, you’re right Ackles. It’s not often that I say that, but the thought of leaving everyone here, settling for something that I have no connection to or history with, it is undermining. And I’m going to talk to Kripke, he’ll be over the moon with the consideration, however if he chooses that (Y/N) is to die as was planned due to my indecisiveness, then that shall be the battle that I am to bargain with.” They had won (Y/A/N) over, it was victory.

 It was also the closest that they could do by themselves to save (Y/N). If this didn’t work, they would be nothing more than John’s broken tools, defined by all those that they were always mourning. And it would only make their sister another name on that sour list, even if her death would pain them substantially more than others.

 “I guess we’ll go then.” Sam awkwardly spoke, encouraging Dean to stand from the christened furniture and join him in leaving the sexually active couple alone. He sent the woman a nod, and Alex a raised eyebrow. He would have Jack’s head if he ever thought he had the guts or wings to be so intimate with their sister, he’d make him feel something, and it would be painful. Torturous even.

 They shut the door behind them as they departed from the actors, a smirk on Dean’s face. He felt victorious, he was the same hero that would read (Y/N) stories when it was dark and a storm was thundering outside, as she hid under the duvet of some dingy motel bed, a torch protecting her from the enveloping bleakness, but also her brothers. “I’d call this a win.”

 “They said about a video…” Sam had Jared’s phone in his hand, he scrolled through the feed with a wrinkled nose and scorned eyes. After he received an answer to what it was concluding, he put the device away, he could never look at Jack and (Y/N) around each other the same again. It was burdened by the facts of this world, contradicting the innocence that both the kids in their world showed. “It was a leaked sex scene of the show, Dean.”

 “Heck no!” Growled the elder brother, shaking his head. The instant images that flashed through his mind of the Nephilim atop of his little sister made his teeth grit in anger, and a pit of queasiness fold in the cave of his stomach. He already wasn’t too sure on Lucifer’s spawn, this only enhanced that formed opinion, and he wished to shoot the child more than ever in this instant, even if the real him was not around.

 “They’re not actually the people we know Dean.” Sam comforted him, easing his anger, but only slightly. “Nothing like that has happened between them, he is in another world, whilst (Y/N) is in the bunker, reading lore and trying to find a way to bring mum and Jack back to us.”

 “Yet Sammy, nothing has happened yet.” He allowed himself to shut his eyes for a second, and the next thing that he knew, he was returned home. His speech must have worked on the employee of the show Supernatural, otherwise, Gabriel surely would not have returned them to their home world.

  “He’s gone, for chuck sake. How are we supposed to bring Jack and Mary back if we don’t have archangel grace?!” The stressed voice of their younger sibling often triggered a debate from the brothers, but seeing and hearing her, it was a miracle. They couldn’t waste time and argue, instead Sam lurched forward, grabbing the girl and bringing her into the embrace of his giant like arms.

“We’ll figure it out (Y/N/N), we always do.” He spoke softly, earning a confused yet pleased smile. The hug had come out of nowhere, but it calmed her nerves, the rushing of the blood that hurtled around the veins of her body slowed, and it gave her a moment of peace, a blank mind before she began researching again.

 “I have a question.” Dean stated with his gruff tone, squinting at his female sibling. He suppressed a smile, she was oblivious to the blockade that had rested above her head like a raincloud, but he knew that she was here for good. And that she was not leaving to any sort of afterlife any time soon. “Do you have the hots for Jack?”

 (Y/N)’s eyes went wide, however she forced a scoff to hide the shock and cover up anything that her brothers could pick up on. She released herself from Sam’s hold, taking a couple of simple steps backwards, so that she could have a clear view of the expressions that both of them wore. “Are you seriously asking me that at a time like this?” Her sentence was finished with a sigh and a roll of her eyes.

 But her brothers knew their sister well enough, and that she indeed did not want to admit something to them. (Y/N) was much easier to read than (Y/A/N) was, they had known this growing woman since the day that she was born, the same day in which John rescued the shrieking baby from a mother that was fed and eaten by wolves. She would have been next, however the hunter saved her, as was in his job description, but he couldn’t bare to let her stream through the system.

 He felt an attachment to her, and looking at her was practically the same as the notion of peering at one of his boys. She was to be a Winchester, he hadn’t decided it, but God himself did. The universe worked in mysterious ways, it was as though it was all written out for the family, but this instant, none of them minded. It gave the boys another reason to fight, another person to love, and eventually another family member to lose.

 But it had been evaded this time, Gabriel had although not helped them with reaching their mother and the son of Kelly Kline, however, he had somewhat saved (Y/N) himself. Without his trickster interference, they’d have never known of her doomed fate, or have been able to fix it.

 “I’ll take that as a yes.” Dean was smug with being right, as he always was. Overall though, he was more pleased to know that they had stopped the crumbling of the bottom of the family tree, they had protected their sister, literally to the ends of the world.

 “Pick up a damn book and help me, I’m not doing all of this research by myself.” Another sign that he was indeed correct, changing the subject, how original. But neither of the brothers, more so Dean than Sam, even wanted to try and switch the mindset that (Y/N) had about the boy. They were allowed to have feelings, romantic and so on, and their sister appeared happy with the tether that was from her heart to Jack’s.

   The vampires were almost mutated. This apocalypse world had really taken a toll on all life. Michael of this plain had destroyed everything that was known to be true, even living itself. The habitat of these morsal creatures was dark, and disgusting. Humans had already tried to pass through the deadly lair to reach the other side, to get to the rebellion camp, however, no one had survived to the opposite end of things.

 (Y/N) felt hopeless, even as she walked through the home of the starving monsters. She had never been a fan of vampires, no hunter was, but this was cruel to every extent. They didn’t even appear as human anymore, their fates had been cursed by this ruined land. Without the world that was in her own, they would be worse off, everything in this dimension was.

 Everyone of their company was on edge, Dean ensured that he kept a sturdy eye forward, looking for any light. He knew (Y/N) would have to be okay, it was paved for her to be so in the other universe, she’d be fine. Of course, he still worried, that was what he did in retrospect, all day, every day, he worried that it was to be someone’s last.

 And he was right, as the monsters crept from the dark, tasting the scent of rushing blood in the air. They had lured them from their slumber, and they began to attack, dragging one of the travellers towards their death, where they would be fed on until he was completely drained. (Y/N) swung her machete, beheading one of the animals without a second glance, but perhaps she should have spared another look on the side, as she was a target.

 She was the prey to what she was raised to hunt, it wrapped its clawed hand around her leg like a coil, dragging her to the ground, and feasting its teeth into her supple flesh. This was it, there was no route away from her fate, and her body was already weak from blood loss, and so she gave up, and refused to fight. Her body was dragged into the abyss of the nest, and its members followed after her.

 Sam noticed their apparent glee, they had yet again prized food from them. He looked around to see whom it may be, and he was aghast with the sight. (Y/N) had her eyes shut as her limp form was being taken by vampires, and he froze, traumatised by the sight. And his surprised and hurt stature gave another of the beasts the perfect opportunity to rip into the rubber of his neck, and relish in the unstoppable river of blood that poured out from the fatal wound.

 “No!” Dean cried out, noticing that his sister too had disappeared. Before he could follow after the menaces and get vengeance, and possibly save his family from being the meal of savages, Castiel grasped his arm, pain rendering in the blueness of his vessel’s eyes.

 “They’re gone Dean.” His words rang through the hunter’s head. This was his worst nightmare. Gabriel’s warning had not helped at all, because (Y/N) was dead, and so was Sam. He forced himself to trudge on, pained like no other time before. Sam had died before, but he had always found a way to retrieve him back into life, and even through his tragic absence, he always had (Y/N). Now, the only other Winchester was his mother, who also needed to be saved from this damned world.

   “Think about it Sammy, Jack is going to be so pleased to see you alive, but your little sis, well, I’m sure that is going to be one hell of a reunion between them.” Lucifer smirked, he was in Nick’s body again, using it as a vessel. “And he’ll think of me as a saviour, a knight that saved his princess from a terrible fate.”

 The fallen archangel always had ulterior motives, and Sam realised that he had no choice in whether he’d rather remain dead, or be used as a bargaining chip by the devil himself. His interest in Jack was not exactly pure, it was clear to the man that he sought the backup, the power of his biological son. His intent was to creep into the boy’s mind, and decipher for the kid the difference between wrong and right.

 “That’s what you want, to lie to him about who you are?” He couldn’t exactly say he was surprised, even more so that the audience of vampires were seething to break free from Lucifer’s force. He wasn’t even supposed to be here, he should have been in the bunker, his grace feeding away at Rowena’s spell, and keeping the gate open for their return.

 “I’ll just bend the truth to fit the story, and I care about my son. As you care about your dear sister, and it would be a shame if she were not to wake, and then the news will have to be delivered to my boy, and I’m sure that would just break his half and half heart.” The celestial being, the epidemy of evil tutted at the thought, only to send Sam a mischievous smirk afterwards. “You don’t want him to be like me, but without her, he’ll be in so much pain that he won’t think about his actions. If he has (Y/N/N), then that choice will be entirely up to him, and what he believes in, yada yada yada.”

 The sight of his sister covered in her own blood, motionless on the ground, bite marks on her shoulders and elsewhere drew out a desperation in Sam. He couldn’t not allow the villain to bring her back to life, and it seemed that no matter what he disputed, that Lucifer would do it anyway, to get himself in Jack’s good books. And so he hung his head low, awaiting the personal enemy of his to resurrect the most important woman in his life.

 On first instinct, (Y/N) gasped in air. There was a lack of it rolling around the vitals of her lungs, but her breath was taken away once more, when she saw the looming of a horrifying figure, a first son of god. He was supposed to be, even if forced to do so by the traditions of magic, be at the bunker, revelling them with a way back. Rowena had been left there also, to keep the spell brewing, and a fearful eye on the hellish shadow.

 Assumingly, he had escaped his sentence, and for some reason, brought her to life. It was no mistake as to what the vampires had done to her, she could smell the spilling of her own blood over her thrifted and worn clothes, and it was gruesome. Although it was not the hunter’s first time in being a sponge to her injuries, but nevertheless, she fought to stand beside Sam, who steadied her shaken feet, and balanced out the rest of her body by looping his supportive arm around her waist.

 “Come on.” Lucifer rolled the human eyes that he wore like spectacles into the lives of the Winchesters, unimpressed by the slowness of the world’s large cockroaches. “We have places to be and sons to meet.” At his verbalised of clarity for his ungodly presence, (Y/N)’s body became rigid. His intent was to get to Jack, she couldn’t allow him to provoke a fire inside the boy.

 He was sweet and innocent, even harmless, despite the accident that had happened when he accompanied her and her brothers on a hunt. If Lucifer reached him, he would only try and navigate the darkness inside of him to be what it was, rather than try and make him change it into something brighter, something that was good, like Kelly would have wanted.

 “No.” (Y/N) refused, earning a frown from Sam and a elongated groan from Lucifer. She had died, it didn’t matter if she were to return to that fate, not if she stood by what she truly believed in. Nothing much would change, other than the vampires getting another meal from the same body, Dean already thought that she was extinguished from life, and the news would be passed on before any of them were to reach him.

 “Oh, for crying out loud!” The devil shook his wolfish head, Winchesters were always so stubborn. “I’d allow it if Sam were to stand against the gift of life, I’ve seen what is inside of his head after all, but you! You’re the priority here, you are Jack’s weakness.” This gesture of good faith seemed to be more than it was worth, but if she didn’t comply willingly, then he would force her to follow him along, and live.

 “Where’d you hear that from? He doesn’t have a weakness, he just has a good heart. I’m just another person that he lives with, a soldier that is going to fight anyone that dares to try and hurt him. And I won’t mind if I have to give my life to try and kill you.” She spat at the disgrace of heaven, hardly moved by his goal. As a Winchester, the stubbornness ran through her veins, even if the bloodline itself did not.

 “I hear things, and I did in that bunker. Like how Dean was speaking about you and Jackie boy, and how it all made sense. The shared looks, the flushed faces, all that gross stuff. He didn’t seem too happy with the circumstances, but he was content with the fact that you were alive, like you are again, because of me.”

Lucifer was the last person that (Y/N) would thank for her existence, but she realised that there was no way out of his trap, she was the bait for Jack, that would reel the boy into the wings of his dreaded father.

He could sometimes be so naive, that she feared that Jack would fall for the extension of kindness, one that hardly suited Lucifer. But that was up to him, and in this apocalyptic version of her world, anything could happen.

“She’s dead.” Dean’s voice was gravelly, it had been dragged through hope, and now the realisation that his baby brother and sister were lost to life. The eyes belonging to Jack widened, and tears began to form.

He could quite comprehend how he felt. There was a tearing in his chest, he felt as though he was being split apart, his breathing rapidly increased, and his eyes flared like the bursts of the sun.

Until whispers hit his ears, and he looked up, only to see the girl alive and well. He was not the only one relieved in the circumstances, Dean and Mary were too, but they feared the fact that Lucifer had joined them, and was being trailed by the bloodied siblings; the ones that he had saved for his selfish purposes.

[travllingbunny]

The 100: 7x01 From the Ashes

Disclaimer: This post is about the episode of the show The 100, From the Ashes, the season 7 premiere, and only about it.  In this post, I will NOT be discussing any original scripts, unused takes, bloopers, behind the scene photos or videos, scribbled notes exchanged between the writers, or any  tweets, Instagram posts, SMS or e-mails by any of the cast or crew members,  considering the fact that none of those things constitute the  show’s canon, which consists of the actual episodes.

I will also not be discussing anything about the future episodes posted by any ‘spoiler accounts’, and, in fact, I am unaware of most of these things, since I’m trying not to read any spoilers. Please do not tell me any spoilers for future episodes or ask me about them.

I really enjoyed this episode, in spite of the unfortunate lack of Bellamy (which I was already expecting since what happens to him here was already spoiled by the trailer. Of course, I’m looking forward to see Bellamy again, and, before that, to everyone finding out about disappearance and it becoming the focus of the season. But until then, the show has quite a few other storylines to deal with, from setting up and delving more into the Anomaly mystery, to dealing with the fall-out of season 6 in Sanctum, and both of these were handled well, for the most part.

This episode in particular had really good characterizations all around - for Murphy, Echo, Indra, Madi, Raven, Emori, Gaia, even Jackson - and, of course, Clarke, who had an arc that took her tendency to try to repress her feelings to an extreme, until they exploded in a most memorable way. It will cause her trouble, no doubt, but it was great to watch, and something I had been wishing for for quite some time. 

There is just one character whose storyline I’m still not sure how I feel about, because I’m not sure what the show is doing with him. 

After the last season’s cliffhanger, there was some concern in the fandom that Bellamy would regress to being all about protecting his sister, after their relationship had been redefined with “You’re my sister, but you’re not my responsibility”. Some of that was really exaggerated: there’s absolutely nothing odd or surprising about Bellamy crying over his sister disappearing in his arms. Of course he loves her and wants her safe. But I was concerned they may regress his development if they make him forget about everyone and everything else in his life in order to impulsively jump after her into the Anomaly. However, that did not happen - Bellamy didn’t decide to go on his own, rather than tell others and make a plan. He was taken.

The mysterious people from the Anomaly seem to be able to control the Anomaly, and have some sort of a cloaking device, presumably connected to their suits and helmets, that makes them invisible to others. They also have some sort of a screen inside their helmets, with facial recognition of targets and commands. It’s all a bit creepy - these seem to be humans, but they are receiving orders the way a robot would. (It’s all very Terminator-like!) Maybe because they also have lost their memories while going through the Anomaly? Where did they get the info about who Bellamy, Gabriel and Echo are - was it from Octavia’s memories? 

Memories and memory loss are obviously going to play a huge role this season. People who come from the Anomaly to Sanctum seem to lose their memories, except when the Anomaly is still there. Does this happen only on Sanctum, or at the other side(s) as well? How does the fact that the Anomaly sucks in radio signals fit into that? Hope had to use a message she put into her own arm to remind herself to “TRUST BELLAMY”. (Interstellar is mentioned a lot as an inspiration for this season, but this reminds me of another Nolan film, Memento.)

We also see Clarke spout knowledge about how the big mansion was built (by Russell for Simone, to remind her of her house on Earth), which she would know due to still having some of Josephine’s memories. And I’m sure that the fact Madi still has the memories of past Commanders will play a big role - specifically, the fact she has Becca’s memories, which could be the way to tie the present day story to the prequel/story about what happened during and right after the apocalypse. (She also probably knows about Sheidheda more than anyone else alive, which may play into the Sanctum story.) 

It’s too early to judge Hope as a character, but the mystery surrounding her is certainly super interesting. Why do the mysterious people from the Anomaly have orders to kill her on sight (as opposed to capturing, which they were supposed to do with Bellamy, Echo and Gabriel)? Is it because of who she is, or what she is - is it about her actions, does she know too much, or is her existence itself that’s the problem? 

I loved the Octavia cameo in Hope’s hallucination, with the confirmation that she was an “aunt” figure to her, a part of a found family with Diyoza and Hope. The Anomaly makes you see your biggest desire or biggest fear - and Hope’s biggest desire seems to be to be reunited with her family 

Echo’s hallucination, on the other hand, is obviously about her biggest fear - so it makes perfect sense that it’s Roan who appears to her, as he exiled her from Azgeda. Of course biggest fear would be losing her kru and her king/queen and being left alone and adrift. I’m as surprised as anyone that I found Echo's scene to be maybe the best in the episode. But she did have some really good character moments in seasons 6, and this is IMO her best character moment so far, picking up from her red sun hallucination in 6x02, and flashback from 6x11. which revealed that even her identity as “Echo” is fake. It seems the show is finally doing the character development it neglected to give her in season 5, and addressing all the obvious issues with Echo’s development and her relationship with Bellamy. I think this confirms that it was indeed Echo talking to herself while hallucinating Emori in 6x02, since her hallucination of Roan tells her the same thing, that she is still just a killer following another master’s orders. We finally see Echo feeling guilt over the things she did in the past, including her betrayal of Bellamy in season 3. When she imagines him calling her out on betraying “the man she now claims to love”, is it just about her thinking the others would doubt her love, or is she herself questioning whether her feelings for Bellamy are really romantic love, or just loyalty to her current leader? Their relationship, especially in S6, often came off more as the latter.

 (It was also really cool to see Zach McGowan again) 

The timeline of 7x01 seems to have confused some fans, but I think it’s pretty obvious that, at the beginning of the Sanctum story, no more than a day (probably less than that) has passed since 6x13 - going by the facts that 1) the Anomaly storyline picked up minutes after the end of 6x13, and the Sanctum story was presumably happening at the same time, and 2) Indra had to explain the situation in Sanctum to everyone. The only thing that seems to go against that is that Russell is said to “not have slept” since what happened on the ship, which makes it seem like it’s been longer. Or maybe Russell was just being extra dramatic. “Oh, I have no slept for a whole day!” He certainly spent a lot of this (his last) episode feeling sorry for himself. At least he seemed to have finally realized he wasn’t the superior good guy in all of it (”Tell them I’m treated better than I deserve” - yes, indeed.)

Indra was great, even though poor Adina was forced to be an exposition machine for a part of the episode. 

A common complaint I’ve seen among fans is that it’s weird that Clarke and others in Sanctum aren’t worried about Bellamy and co. I don’t understand this complaint, as it’s clear that very little time has passed and that Bellamy, Octavia, Echo and Gabriel must have told everyone they were leaving and why (though I don’t know how many details they told them about the Anomaly Stone). People have been gone for a whole day in season 6 when they just went to the Offering Grove (Echo in 6x06) or the radioactive shield (Raven, Emori and Echo in 6x05), which are within the confines of Sanctum and much nearer than the camp by the Anomaly. What are they supposed to do but wait for a couple of days for them to come back? It’s not like they can call them, when radios and other means of communication usually don’t work on Alpha because of the Anomaly sucking the signals.

In fact, their absence was mentioned in the picnic scene, when Raven toasted to “absent friends” and we got a reaction shot of Clarke (I know, Clarke, I'd be annoyed too if I was you, but Bellamy had to be all "I'm gonna go now and explore the Anomaly Stone while Sanctum is in chaos and you're in mourning for your mom" because the plot needed him to..., before Niylah toasted to the “departed ones” (which would include Kane and Abby) and we got a close-up reaction shot of Clarke trying to keep it all inside, as she did every time in this episode someone mentioned Abby. 

The idyllic picnic by the mansion - everyone’s attempt to get some rest and nice time after everything they had been through - was such a contrast to the “powder keg” of Sanctum and the end of this episode. But it also felt fake - just as fake as the deception and lies that Murphy and Emori are Daniel and Kaylee Prime, or that Madi still has the Flame in her head - to keep the devout and Wonkru under control, respectively - and just as fake as Clarke’s attempts to convince everyone she’s “fine”. As usual, the song playing in the background (”Darkness” by Pinegrove) was very fitting:

Suddenly I find I've got darkness on my mind It's a question mark that keeps me looking And it's never satisfied And it's never what I thought Saying I'm happy when I'm not No, I got darkness on my mind Leaning out the frame When it's particulate and gray I'm perpendicular to my whole being When I lean a certain way Saying I'm happy when I'm not Finding roaches in the pot Oh, I got darkness on my mind Some people spend their whole lives looking For someone who could understand While meanwhile a lilac blooming Sometimes on the driest land And I know it's been a long time coming I'm angry and I know that's weak And I'm longing out that open window For whatever it is I seek [musical breakdown] Some people spend their whole lives looking For someone who could understand And while meanwhile a lilac blooming Sometimes on the driest land And I know it's been a long time coming I'm angry and I know that's weak So I'm trying not to be so bitter I'm just looking at it honestly Well, I know it's been a long time coming I'm angry and I know that's weak And I'm longing out that open window For whatever it is I seek Some people spend their whole lives looking For someone who could understand While meanwhile a lilac blooming Sometimes on the driest land, yeah 

I like that there was anger, blame and conflict between our kru and that everyone didn’t just forget what happened last season (and for once, Clarke is not the one getting the blame!) It would've made no sense if no one was blaming Murphy, and it makes sense it would be Jackson, who was so close to Abby and who’s not particularly close to Murphy. It also makes sense there was disagreement about the method of keeping peace in Sanctum, and that not everyone would be happy with Memori cosplaying the Primes. 

Murphy himself had a really good characterization in this episode - we saw his grief and his feelings of guilt. While he tried to defend himself when blamed that he didn’t know what Russell would do, when left alone, he blamed himself for various actions that led to it, which is something Murphy from a couple of seasons ago wouldn’t do.

It’s great to see Raven looking more like her old, pre-season 6 self, and even better to see that her self-righteousness has gone. She’s more like the old Raven but without the snarky b1tchiness. I’m glad that she got called out by Murphy on her “Miss Morality” role from last season (which never really made sense, pre-time jump Raven was never a moral compass of the group, she was smart, pragmatic and could be as ruthless as anyone).

Another major theme of the Sanctum plot were the new beginnings.  Clarke pointing out season 3 feels like another world seems almost like the show going meta and pointing out to the audience how much Clarke and all these people have lived through and been since.What is Sanctum now after the Primes have been defeated, with Children of Gabriel coming back home and clashing with the Devout - brainwashed and loyal followers of the Primes, with the rest of the Sanctumites in between? How are Wonkru and the 36 Eligius prisoners going to start again on a new planet moon? (36?! Wow, so they really suffered heavy losses in that gorge, too, when there are so few left?) Can Grounders be without a Commander? Gaia without her religion? Can Madi be a normal kid, without the Flame - or is that even possible while she has to pretend to still be Heda? The title From the ashes seems to refer to that - and maybe the end of the episode means that you have to burn down the old beliefs and old idols to build something new? 

Mothers and daughters were another theme.  I liked that Madi mentioned her biological parents (well, mother) on-screen for the first time, since the fandom tends to forget about them and ignore them too often. Madi was unsuccessful in her attempt to make Clarke share her feelings with her - maybe because this conversation showed a big difference in how they see each other? Clarke thinks of Madi as her child, but Clarke has never had a child before, while Madi had parents and suffered their loss; Clarke assumed Madi was talking about her and what happened in S6, but Madi always calls Clarke “Clarke” rather than “Mom”, and tried to connect to her on the equal level, as another daughter who’s lost a mother. Maybe it’s exactly because Clarke sees Madi only as her child that she feels she must be “strong” for her all the time and not show grief. 

There was an unexpected parallel between Indra and Clarke in how Indra also tried to suppress outward expressions of grief when her partner - Gaia’s father died, which clearly wasn’t healthy and caused a rift between mother and daughter. (I’m not sure about when that happened, i.e. when Gaia first decided to become a Flamekeeper. I guess it must have been before the timeline of seasons 1-3. So Gaia’s dad is probably not the man that Indra recognized in 2x15 as one of the Reapers? I’m still angry that we never got any resolution to that storyline and that the Reapers were forgotten after season 2.)

 The one thing I’m not sure about is Jordan’s characterization and arc. I’m not sure what the show is doing with his exactly, and I’m afraid that they’ll try to leave it ambiguous just how much he is or isn’t brainwashed. 6x13 made it very clear that he has been “adjusted”, which Russell confirmed here, and Jordan’s “adjustor”, who was creeping behind him in the season 6 finale, was very present and active in this episode, and clearly still had a big influence on him. At the same time, we learn that Jordan does not believe in the divinity of the Primes - instead of that, his hallucinations made him see something connected to the mystery of the Anomaly, which Russell describes as something “greater” (almost like he has finally found God, of sorts, after all, which he talked about 236 years before when he first landed on Alpha)? The good news is that it means Jordan will have a role in the Anomaly story, rather than being the advocate for the Devout. What I’m afraid of is that the show will gloss over the fact that Jordan was brainwashed - whether or not he came to believe that Primes were gods, he certainly did a 180 from despising Primes as murderers, being outraged by their actions and knowing very well that Priya was not Delilah but someone who took over her body; to (just a few days later, after “adjustment”) spouting Prime propaganda about the “peaceful” society they had before the Bad People from Earth came (that’s the peace they had when they regularly murdered their people to steal their bodies, left babies to die, and made them go crazy and kill each other from time to time) and having some kind of attachment to Priya herself and her mind drive.

At least, I hope that Russell unceremoniously smashing the mind drive means we’re done with that storyline. I loved it, it was my favorite storyline of the show, but it’s time for it to be over. It makes no sense that anyone is still letting Russell keep his mind drive, for starters. When will they realize they need to destroy these things?

- Clarke’s way of dealing with grief over her mom’s death was certainly unhealthy - repressing her feelings even more than usual, trying to be calm, composed, logical, to do the things needed to keep peace. In her last scene in 6x13, Clarke was open about her grief with Bellamy, looking to him for comfort, finding comfort in his arms and his words. But now he’s absent, there’s no one else she can be that open and vulnerable with. (The only other person Clarke looked for comfort to was Abby.) It’s nice to see that she and Raven have mended their friendship with Raven, she is starting to develop a new one with Gaia over their mutual care for Madi, she has mutual respect with Indra, she’s known others - like Murphy or Miller = for years, since the Delinquent days... and they all want to help her, but she’s not opening up to anyone, not even Madi. She thinks she must be “strong” for all of them, and her Head and Heart are unbalanced - she’s repressing the latter, until she finally explodes. 

I love the scene of Clarke finally losing it and beating up Russell (I had already seen it in the trailer, and it was my favorite moment) and then crying while holding Abby's clothes. I don’t know about anyone else, but I love seeing an angry, emotional Clarke, letting it all out, especially when it's anger at people she has every right to be furious at. We haven’t seen that from her since early season 3 (when she yelled and spat in Lexa’s face over her betrayal). It had bothered me for a few seasons that Clarke - who used to be vibrant and could be impulsive, angry, hold grudges, yell at people in seasons 1-2, had become so repressed and muted due to her constant self-blame. I’ve had enough watching Clarke look sad while other people keep yelling at her and blaming her. (The only other instance of Clarke being furious was her hurt and rage at Bellamy and the slap in 5x09, but that was more of a silent, “internally screaming” rage/hurt, which turned into Clarke being emotionally frozen for the next couple of episodes, until learning he was alive. When Clarke is keeping everything inside and not yelling, that’s when she’s in the worst emotional state.)

It is, however, so sad that she still blames herself, too, for her mother’s death, whispering “I’m sorry”, the same way she whispered after seeing her father floated.

My only problem with the scene of that stupid palace burning down is that  "mistakes" is a serious real understatement for what Russell has done. I know, I know, this will cause a lot of trouble in Sanctum and Clarke will probably have to go back on some of these decisions to keep peace. But there’s really nothing morally wrong with deciding to execute Russell - not only does he deserve it, but he’s arguably even an exception from the general objection to death penalty, since he’s lived several times the normal human lifespan, by stealing other people’s bodies. And the palace burning down is a symbolic way to send the message that the old power structures are gone - which Clarke pointed out when she said there will be no kings or queens anymore.

Sheiheda taking over Russell’s, or rather his latest host’s body, wasn’t surprising, as that was the most popular theory. But it was cool to see Sheidheda’s creepy mindspace again and Sean Maguire as the original Russell. The bodysnatcher got bodysnatched. That’s something like poetic justice.

I just have to post this because it’s such a beautiful shot!

Rating: 8/10

[mcheang]

Queen of Mean

WARNING: very dark alternate ending and character death. But also very salty.

Come on, Audrey’s evil outfit speaks to Marinette. She already wears pink and black, and she already made a fashion statement with a feather hat. So yeah in this fic, she is wearing this look and she carries a sceptre.

Princess Justice is super powerful because Tikki is currently imprisoned and comatose in her purse. And in addition to Princess Justice’s powers to conjure any punishment...she really has the power to conjure anything....pink. (What? if all lucky charms are red and black, Princess Justice’s conjurations are pink.) Not to mention she also has Ladybug’s good luck...

Princess Justice and Queen Verity turn the school into their castle and expose Lila. Princess Justice turns her into stone. She then sets out to punish the Mayor, as advised by Hawkmoth.

The students are imprisoned in thorns but in separate cages. You see, Princess Justice does not want to give up her earrings but she will fight and give a show. And her classmates can only transform in privacy. She already got her vengeance, she has no pressing need to fulfil her end of the bargain.

Yeah Princess Justice pretty much triumphs against every other Miraculous holder. Their defeat is very brutal, as Marinette finds punishing them for not trusting her very therapeutic. Bunnyx is summoned since Chat is told to go to hiding by the Guardian as he will lose.

When Mayura tries to carry the trophy Miraculous away, she collapses under their weight. Princess collects them in her purse, promising to give them to Hawkmoth later. In her purse, the Miraculous boost Princess’ power who does not collapse at all. The boost in power changes Princess’ tiara to a crown, making her the queen of mean.

Princess Justice and Mayura follow Bunnyx to the time period when Marinette is first accused. (Bunnyx can change time zones, not locations, so she has to go back to school where the villains are waiting)

Princess defeats Bunnyx by surprising her with the ability to conjure a time portal blockade. Using the bunny miraculous, Princess opens another time portal where Ladybug and Chat Noir are unprepared for her.

Ladybug and Chat are surprised because Princess is obviously Marinette (her hair may be pink but it’s still her face)...and soundly defeated. They are trapped in ice. Luckily, Ladybug points out that Princess Justice’s akumatization is planned. Realising the truth of this, Princess uses the bunny and snake miraculous to freeze time and turns all Hawkmoths and Mayuras in whatever time zones are open to stone. Princess Justice realises that she has no plan after vengeance and she does not want to be a pawn nor does she want to suffer in silence anymore. Yeah...she has gone completely evil while left to stew in frozen time. When she opens a time portal, there is murder in her eyes.

Marinette goes back to Bunnyx’s intended destination and kidnaps Lila, Alya and Adrien to her original time zone and gives them a view of the hell she has wrought. The 3 she intends to punish most. Lila dies a different but still excruciating death and is cursed with insanity. Alya is brutally killed with a slow and painful death as she lay there broken. Marinette punished the Best Friend who never defended her. Marinette saved Adrien for last and transformed him into a silent hamster. She confesses her feelings for him before renouncing them. “In some way, you are to blame for this the most. I am an honest girl, Adrien. And having me be silent for your sake has created the mean queen you see right now. I’m all the negative emotions Marinette has suffered in silence on your account. It is more than that i was hurt. I actually became someone I’m not because of your stupid advice. And like everyone else who has hurt me today, you will die by my hand.” Marinette crushes Adrien in her hands.

The queen of mean returns to Ladybug and Chat and unfreeze them. When Chat tries to remind Marinette who she really is, Princess Justice gags him with fire and warns him if he keeps this up, she will burn him alive. When he acquiesces, she frowns at him and honestly does not know whose voice is more annoying, his or Adrien’s. They keep saying how she is good and how she would never want this. Princess finally explains that she has always wanted retribution and honestly the way he and Bustier kept talking just felt like they were ignoring how she had been wronged. Easy for Adrien and Mrs Bustier to say. They always let the bullies get away and the victims just have to bear that in silence. She informs them that she surrenders because she sees no more benefit in Hawkmoth’s deal. However, the 2 of them will have very clear memories of these timelines. Lila will certainly become suddenly mad. Alya and Adrien will think it was a bad dream but one that will haunt them for life. She blames them in particular because Alya had sent her to the back alone. Adrien knew Lila was a liar and let it happen. When she was expelled, they did nothing, shocking Ladybug and Chat. (Technically when Marinette was expelled, Adrien didn’t continue his defence). Mrs Bustier and Damocles will have a foreboding and decide to do a thorough check into the anonymous tip. While angry at being Hawkmoth’s pawn, Princess Justice will heal Mayura to thank them for finally letting the truth of her feelings be expressed. Princess Justice reveals tearfully that to release the akuma, Chat must kill the imprisoned Tikki, revealing her identity. (Sure she will be resurrected with the Miraculous cure but it is still murder)

Ladybug summons her lucky charm which is a fortune cookie with the advice to forgive yourself. Chat thinks it is a very direct message to the two heroes for failing, but Ladybug asks if there is anyone else Princess Justice resents. The latter finally admits she hates herself for falling so low. She compromised more than honesty for Adrien’s sake, she also became a pathetic and mean person. Princess Justice remembers how she could have been Kagami’s Friend faster if it weren’t for Adrien, nor would she have ignored Luka and her obsession was just downright embarrassing. Princess Justice is ashamed of how far she has fallen and though she does not blame Adrien for that, she does wish she had never fallen for him because her love for him has been a poison. Chat is heartbroken at this confession but tries to defend Princess Justice by saying that even he was a mean dope in love, admitting he caused Copycat and wasn’t much help against Desperada. Ladybug herself is just surprised that inside of her exists self-loathing.

The one thing Princess demands is that she keep her fashionable feather cape. She really has grown fond of it.

Princess also warns them that they can try to forget but ignoring trouble is what caused her birth. The heroes finally see behind the evil and dangerous Queen of Mean is a broken-hearted and lost princess.

The deed is done and the day is saved. Life returns to the moment just before Marinette is accused.

Lila suddenly screams and tries to bash her head. Alya wakes from a nightmare. Mrs Bustier is pale. Marinette faints into a feather cape on her desk. Adrien throws up.

Adrien is pale. It is his new worst nightmare. He broke his beloved Ladybug and she no longer loves him. He is ashamed to face her but Plagg reminds Adrien that ignoring was his flaw. Marinette avoids Adrien but cries to Chat.

Marinette feels guilty over what had done but learns Princess Justice had left a cure, some shred of mercy left inside her. Lila is still coherent enough to lie. She can get sympathy but can no longer hurt others. Truth will free her from insanity, with her Mother as a witness.

Gabriel and Nathalie realised that they had akumatized Marinette but she decided to surrender once she realised she was a pawn. But she was still grateful for the chance to vent. Being Miraculous wielders they still remember events and learn that while Princess Justice certainly killed Adrien, she had also succeeded in defeating Ladybug and Chat Noir and cured Nathalie. They are left to wonder what to do next.

[bigskydreaming]

I’m regards to Bobby the-igniting his feud against Xavier, literally my whole thought process after reading Deadly Genesis and finding out about Gabriel and then about how Adult Bobby was like he didn’t want to be gay on top of everything else when he first came out, I literally thought that he had gone to Xavier about him possibly being gay back during the Silver Age and Xavier just went, nope nope not happening and locked it within his mind.

Oh yeah, someone put an additional block in Bobby’s head kinda...steering him away from coming out sooner. Its literally the only way the story works at all. They created a paradox and either didn’t see it soon enough or they just didn’t see it at all, so nobody at Marvel has so much as touched in and they probably never will and ugh that’s so frustrating.

When the story happened, everyone focused on why Jean’s actions in outing Bobby were wrong from like, an emotional/personal/HUMAN standpoint. Why it was morally wrong, etc, etc. Which is as it should have been, god knows I have plenty of criticism for the story when it comes to that particular angle too.

But problem is, what went largely unnoticed with all the attention on the above angle......Jean outing Bobby wasn’t just a matter of ethics.....it created a logistical issue too.

Okay, bear with me here because this will get long and rambly and I’m probably gonna repeat a lot of stuff twice, lol. Headache’s killing me today but I’m still up anyway because idk, its not the boss of me or whatever. Just saying, its a bit harder to concentrate than usual, and time travel is always a head-scratcher anyway, so to make my point super duper clear and be sure I’ve conveyed it correctly, there’s probably gonna be a fair amount of repetition here. 

But there’s also a point! Don’t forget the point! I didn’t!

Okay. Getting into it. Let’s go. So its like....okay, multiverse theory posits at any given moment, you can make hundreds of different choices, right? Most of them tiny, but they add up. You can feel the urge to sneeze and decide in the span of a second whether you’re going to try and suppress it or let it out. A minute choice, but a choice nonetheless.....one which creates two branching timelines, one where you sneezed and one where you suppressed it. And on and on it goes, with both those timelines in turn getting further and further away from each other as that single choice creates different equally small ripple effects that grow as they expand outward.

Bobby coming out, is not a minute choice.

And the thing is, if you look at the timeline the original five X-Men traveled FROM to the future, like let’s call that the Original Timeline.....

Okay, so picture the original five X-Men back in their Original Timeline, like, ten seconds before Future Hank uses his time machine and appears in the room they’re all in.

At that point in time, before Future Hank arrived......there were millions of possible timelines potentially branching out from any and every one choice they each made.

But the SECOND Future Hank arrived......they became locked in to just ONE possible timeline. There was only ONE way the Original Timeline could go....the way that - from the perspective of the ‘present day’ X-Men. - the future had already gone.

The moment before Future Hank arrived....this was the last moment any of them had millions of potential futures ahead of them where they could have made any of dozens of different choices at any given moment. The moment Future Hank arrived....all those other choices went away. The futures they created were negated, they were off the table. From that moment on, the point in time that Jean kinda ‘reset’ them all to when they got back, by locking away their memories of everything they’d said and done and seen in the future, so none of that could influence the choices they MIGHT make away from the choices that in the Future timeline they DID make, like, from that point on, the original five X-Men were essentially following a script. A script of the ONE singular way things HAD gone for the X-Men in their future. 

Its like okay, you’ve got the Original Timeline, and let’s call the moment Future Hank arrives the Jump-Off point. And let’s call the future they arrived in, the one Future Hank came from, let’s call that the Future Timeline. And the moment the original X-Men ARRIVED there, let’s call that the Point of No Return.

Eeeeeeeeeverything between the Jump-Off point and the Point of No Return, from the Future X-Men’s perspective....that was all set in stone. It had already happened. There was only one possible view of it, the way things could have gone. All those other choices they could have made at any given moment prior to that....they were irrelevant now because they HADN’T made them.

But all those same moments between the Jump-Off point and the Point of No Return, for the Original X-Men, were NOT set in stone, not irrelevant, any one of them could have led in thousands of different directions....

Until the Original X-Men returned to the Original Timeline at the Jump-Off point, and Jean locked away their memories of anything and everything that had happened from the point of two seconds before Future Hank arrived and changed everything. Because now, all those choices ahead of them in the Original Timeline.....they weren’t choices any more. They were locked in, set in stone, even though the Original X-Men had yet to MAKE any of those choices....because according to the Future, they already had. To create a firm, steady bridge across the In Between of the Jump-Off point and the Point of No Return, in order to ensure that the Original Timeline and the Future Timeline was a closed loop, one continuous timeline with no deviation.....the road from the Jump Off point to the Future had to follow one singular route.

Now, Jean locked away all their memories, because the basic theory there was well, without any memory of anything we experienced, without any information we didn’t already have at the Jump-Off point, if everything gets reset JUST to that and all knowledge or memories we SHOULDN’T have at that point are safely locked away in our heads to come out once we reach that point but with no chance of affecting our decision-making between now and then.....then, essentially, it will be as though we’re the exact same people we were when we left the Jump-Off point, with the exact same knowledge and information we had then, the exact same feelings, like....with all of that locked away, we will for all intents and purposes BE those people again.....which means there’s nothing to influence us to do or think or say anything that we DIDN’T already do or say or think had the Original Timeline continued past the Jump-Off point without Future Hank ever arriving.

But here’s where they fucked up. And man I get heated all over again every time I think about this.

Even with all of that, the story COULD have still worked without any other murkiness around it, if they’d done one thing differently.

If they’d written Future Bobby coming out on his own, like basically right before their arrival, THAT could have worked. But they did it backwards.

Like, if 16 year old Bobby Drake had arrived in the future and been shocked to find out in the future he’s gay? If THAT was what led to his coming out? Then that INFORMATION was something he didn’t have back at the Jump-Off point, it could easily be written that he was still deep enough in denial that to see himself as an out gay man would have been a shock, would have FELT like new information, even if deep down he was already aware of that.

And if THAT was all that had been locked up as part of the memories that had to be hidden to make sure the Original Timeline only followed one specific path to get to the Future Timeline....the path the Future Timeline had already followed....that would have been fine. 

Because Original X-Man Bobby, as of the Jump-Off Point, would not have had any extra knowledge or information that might lead to him deciding to come out earlier. And thus there would have been no conflict with him for whatever reasons, deciding not to come out until way in the future, right before he met the Future version of himself.

Problem is, Jean OUTING Bobby in the future, fucks all of this up and makes the above impossible.

Because we have no idea when and for what reasons Bobby might have come out on his own, without Jean’s external push jumpstarting the process.

Meaning, that whoooooole In Between Time between the Jump-Off Point and the Point of No Return?

Ten seconds before Future Hank arrived, Original Bobby had millions and millions of possible opportunities and choices in that time, that could have led to him coming out a lot sooner or in different ways. Ten seconds AFTER they all returned to the Original Timeline from the future and all been ‘reset’ to know just what they already knew at that point, Bobby only had ONE possible future....the one that had just been locked in as the One True Path.

And Jean being the catalyst that changed things IS the logistical problem.

Because remember, even when Jean outed him, Bobby reacted with protests and denial at first....but then he subsided pretty quickly and admitted she was right.

HE ALREADY KNEW HE WAS GAY THEN, AT SIXTEEN.

He just wasn’t ready to FACE it yet.

Which, let’s be honest, is pretty fucking valid and normal. Even today, but let alone ten or fifteen years ago, which is supposed to be how far the Future Timeline was from the Jump-Off Point.

You see the problem?

When Jean reset them all, locked away any and all memories of everything past just before Future Hank arrived, making absolutely sure nothing NEW could influence them away from the path the Future X-Men had already taken after....

BEING GAY WASN’T ACTUALLY NEW INFORMATION TO BOBBY.

He was in denial, but it was already there, the awareness of it. That’s how Jean was able to read it so easily in the first place. She picked up on it not because she was doing a deep dive into his mind for whatever reason, like reading him down the bone, but just like....passing thoughts she picked up on clued her in that he was in denial and overcompensating for it. And yeah, she honestly thought she was helping by pushing him to come out, see in the future its not so bad, you can do it.

But tbh, that’s the absolute worst thing she could have done.

Because from that moment on, anything and everything Bobby knew or felt about himself and his sexuality that could be considered NEW information, that all got locked away during the reset at the Jump-Off point.

What was already in his mind, DIDN’T.

Which means......if Jean didn’t say anything to Bobby, if his coming out process, whenever it happened, was organic and up to him, he decided when he was ready to face that and wrap his mind around it, come to terms with himself....

We have NO idea what that could have looked like, if done ON HIS OWN. If his awareness was buried so deep in his mind it was honestly new information to him and thus got locked up in his head with everything else, and thus he did nothing different from what Future Bobby did.....then that would have been alright, because it would mean that Future Bobby really did just not come out earlier than that because of nothing but his own reasons and thinking and motivations.

But what we got was not that. Because even at sixteen, Bobby knew. It was made very very clear that he knew, in fact he was close enough that Jean felt all he needed was ‘a little push’ to know it was okay and that they would all still love and accept him.

Sixteen year old Bobby was already ON his journey of self-discovery. He just hadn’t gotten very far yet, but it was there. Awareness, realization, they were all there BEFORE Jean reset their minds. 

And the characters and the premise of the story and definitely the writers.....they all engaged with it with zero awareness that the second they had this big life change happen to Bobby IN the future - thus meaning all awareness of it would have to be locked away - but based not on INFORMATION from the future, but simply Jean reading Bobby’s mind and finding out things HE’D ALREADY KNOWN.....

THIS is what took away all Bobby’s choices from the moment he was externally pushed to come out IN THE FUTURE.....based on information available in the past.

Without interruption, Original Bobby could have just been months from coming out on his own. He could have come out when he was eighteen. Experimented in college. Been inspired by meeting Northstar. There’s millions of ways he could have come out between the Jump-Off Point and the Point of No Return...if left to do it himself.

But he got STUCK with the ONE timeline where he just stayed miserable in the closet for fifteen years.....because the writers and characters all treated it as though Jean’s push was something good and necessary for his character....rather than something that disallowed him to make that choice for himself, when he decided it was time....which up until that moment, could very well have been any number of times in the fifteen years in between. 

And this creates a logistical nightmare.

Because the flip side of all this, is when resetting her and her teammates, locking away everything that was new and potentially influential - the idea is without outside influence, nothing would get in the way of them making choices other than what they had in the Future them’s lives.

But JEAN was the outside influence in Bobby’s entire coming out process.

NOT new information.

So twist is.....she has absolutely no way of knowing if Bobby actually WOULD come out at any point in the next FIFTEEN YEARS on his own, if she hadn’t pushed him to do it during a time that was ultimately going to have to be locked away and made irrelevant for the time being.

BUT.

Timeline needs to be consistent, they need a solid bridge between the Original Timeline and Future Timeline or else space goes all fucky....

Which means things HAVE to go the ONE way they did for the Future X-Men. Which means they HAVE to do things the same.

Which means since Future Bobby hadn’t come out until then....Original Bobby COULDN’T be ALLOWED to come out until then.

And thus we get to the actual point, lol. Why for the story to make any sense at all, there HAS to be a second block in Bobby’s head, one that steers him away from coming out until the rest of his memories unlock. Of course, I prefer to think it was Xavier who put it there himself, once the Original X-Men returned with no memories of anything different, but Xavier still aware of what transpired, realized Bobby created a problem because of the WAY he came out....

Because his coming out process was hijacked, essentially. It wasn’t HIS.

And the second they returned and Xavier realized the issue, it had to have been clear.....just having no access to the knowledge of the future that might influence them in different directions, like, it would work with all of the other four. But that was never going to be enough in Bobby’s case.

Because as long as there was even a CHANCE that Bobby - who on some not that deep level already knew he was gay before Jean blurted it out in the future, and thus fully retained the same level of knowledge and awareness he had BEFORE that - as long as there was even a CHANCE that without Jean’s ‘intervention’ he might have in the Original Timeline gone on to come out by himself somewhere else down the line, maybe months, maybe years, maybe even a decade.....like, locking away everything they experienced in the future wasn’t the same guarantee they’d make the same choices when it came to Bobby’s turn.....because he didn’t get a choice to MAKE....

Which means, there was no pre-written script for him to follow when they returned to the past. Because they have no idea what Bobby’s path WOULD have looked like, IF it had continued past the Jump-Off point on its own, the path he was already on. They couldn’t be sure that just resetting his memories to that time would guarantee the same choices, because they have no idea what choices he was GOING to make on his OWN there......until he was externally influenced by someone else in the future, his coming out not prompted by someone, but pre-empted.

Jean beat him to the punch, basically. Which created the issue of having no way to know when or how he might have done that naturally, and thus no way of knowing if he WOULD make the same exact choices just due to not having any memory of coming out....but still being just as close or as far to coming out on his own as he already would have been by that point.

This isn’t a situation that existed for any of the other four. All their foreknowledge COULD be safely locked away and ensure no deviation from the choices they’d already made. But since Bobby’s choice was essentially made FOR him here, BUT in the future and thus locked away with all other knowledge of that.....Bobby’s ACTUAL choice, uninfluenced.....was a wildcard. It could look like anything.

And it had to look just like ONE thing. The thing that according to the Future, it already was. Fifteen years in the closet, because....

Someone had to remove that wildcard. It would have been the only way to actually keep the timeline consistent. Bobby’s ‘choice’ actually happened OUTSIDE the timeline, so to speak, and his memory of that was locked away, which meant his choice was still on the table. Still up in the air, because it had never happened yet as far as he knew, which meant he still felt he had a choice to make.

He just couldn’t be allowed to make it. Not if there was even a remote chance (let alone the millions of chances there actually were between sixteen year old Bobby getting to be thirty year old Bobby) that he might decide differently. Since he couldn’t KNOW Bobby would walk that same path if not steered around by anyone else, he had to MAKE SURE Bobby stuck to just that one path

Xavier HAD to ensure that his actions matched up with those of his Future Self.

Which meant he had to be limited to JUST the one choice, when that WASN’T something anyone could possibly predict, because there wasn’t a script for how that went. Because all of that off script, so to speak.

So Xavier had to MAKE it a script. And that meant taking away any and all possibilities of him coming out at any point before they arrived in the Future.

Anyway, yeah. So bottom line, Jean’s push didn’t push him further down the road, it actually hijacked him and confined him to one finite road that he never ever actually chose for himself. She ‘guided’ him to an exit off the road of denial he was on EARLIER than he might have on his own......but her directing him down that exit is what made ALL the future exits ahead of him null and void, even if he might have steered down the one just three exits ahead. Because we’ll never know what he might have chosen on his own. She’ll never know. He’ll never know. 

And Xavier would never know. So once again, the choice had to be made FOR him. For the sake of the universe or whatever. That one road for Bobby HAD to be locked in, no matter what. No memories of that time wasn’t enough, there had to be an additional guarantee that no matter what, he never came out on his own BEFORE that time was reached. He had to be kept away from making any choice to come out at any time for any reason in the fifteen years In Between, as long as there was a chance that uninterrupted, his coming out process would NOT have followed the same script everyone else was reading from. Because he was already writing his own story but he never got to finish it. Because someone took away his pen and said here I’ll finish it for you, and then handed him back the story of his life and said now go live it, its all in there, do it just like that.

So yeah. IMO, Bobby’s real story of the past fifteen years in-universe, was that it wasn’t HIS story. He didn’t write it. It was written for him. And that one choice that he HAD to be kept away from is such a BIG one, such an epicenter of huge inevitable ripple effects spreading all throughout his life......it meant KEEPING him from making it inevitably would have created ripples all throughout his life. 

Like, oh say, a mental block he’s unaware of, preventing him from making that final step and just coming out, just saying to a close friend ‘Hey, I’m gay, and I’m kinda struggling with that, ngl,’...essentially preventing him from living his life to the fullest, literally not allowing him to accept himself because coming to terms with his sexuality five years down the line was mmmm, that date is no good for the Professor, we’re going to have to insist on sticking with the one we set fifteen years from now. See you then!’

Anyone think a mental block that sweeping wouldn’t have drastic ripple effects on his whole personality? If it had to be capable of covering or blocking that many exits, constantly keep him corraled into one finite direction no matter how much HE, absent a real script of choices HE’D already made, really felt like going over here this way instead, and why wasn’t it okay that he do that again? Why can’t he make himself take that final step? Why can’t he trust his best friends with this? What’s wrong with you, Bobby probably asked himself, millions of people have done this and not even had superpowers to protect themselves. And why do you care so much about that part anyway? I’m USED to people hating me and trying to kill me, why is this so much scarier? If I was afraid of danger, I’d change careers, but I’m fine with what I do, I LIKE being a hero and helping people, so why do I freeze up when I so much as THINK about just blurting it out to Hank or Rogue, as if they of all people would ever actually judge me for this? Why do I keep going out with women I like and yeah even love in some ways, but knowing damn well the whole time that there’s no happy ending here because this isn’t what I want? Why do I do that to them, why do I put myself through that, why can’t I just do what everyone else says, what everyone else has done, and just GROW UP already and do the thing I know I have to do, know I WANT to do, that I just keep putting off because what, its hard? When has that ever stopped me from doing something before? What the fuck is the MATTER with me, I WANT to do this, I know I’m gay and I’m not even ashamed of it, I’m NOT my father and I’ve literally spent my whole life proving that, so why am I acting so much like him when it comes to this one part of my life? Was I really just kidding myself every time I swore to myself that I was done letting his bullshit have any influence on me?

And those are just a few of the ways that Bobby might be affected, every time he unknowingly bumped up against a mental block he was unaware of because he wanted to tell someone he was gay, he felt that THIS time it feels right, THIS is when I come out and just speak my truth FINALLY.....and he just didn’t know what was stopping him. Like something was just sitting there right in his way and no matter which way he tried to go it still managed to block him off. Because that’s what it was, tbh. That’s what it had to be, to KEEP Bobby from making any ORGANIC choice to come out on his own in the fifteen years between Past and Future.....because someone felt the road he was on wasn’t getting him there fast enough and so made him take an earlier exit.....and that meant the road he traveled from that point on wasn’t his, it wasn’t the one HE picked.....but because the future said it was, and because nobody knows what HIS road actually would have looked like if he’d gotten to pick it himself, and they couldn’t risk his TRUE road, the road of his wildcard choice, possibly taking him somewhere away from where they wanted him to go, said he HAD to go, even though it meant he was gonna be miserable and self-loathing for a decade and a half, with no chance whatsoever of enjoying a real, honest relationship with someone he loved and was loved by, meant he’d probably have related issues with his powers and exploring his potential there because the weird thing about insecurities and negative feelings of self-worth is they’re not really selective about where they hit you, and on and on and on....

Well, no matter how he felt about it, no matter what felt real or natural to him, no matter what decisions or choices he WOULD have made if he’d just come to terms with his sexuality in his own time, without anyone pushing or prodding him to do it on their timetable instead of his...all of that was irrelevant if it couldn’t be counted on to get their timeline where it needed to go, to match up with the future’s past. There had to be something keeping him on just the one road they’d mapped out, without consulting him on what destination he even WANTED, too many variables that could lead only god knows where, so something’s gotta keep your steering wheel locked in place, make sure you’re only going one way. Make you turn back every time you attempt to turn onto another offramp and say I like this road up ahead better, I want to merge with that one.

It didn’t matter what Bobby wanted. It didn’t matter what he’d decide. This was the way it had to be, no matter what, and Bobby’s life was just collateral damage to that necessity. Regrettable, perhaps, but it was for the greater good.

It was for the sake of the universe, after all.

Course, the funny thing is, when you’re talking about a kid who’s been putting his life on the line to protect total strangers even if they hate him and want him dead, and all of this since before he was even in high school?

Chances are, if you’d just laid out the stakes for him, showed him what the danger was and the proposed solution, messy as it was, if you’d even made that an OPTION for him.....

Bobby Drake probably would have said go ahead, if its gotta be done, then its gotta be done.

It was for the sake of the universe, after all. 

Or you can have no faith in the heroism of a child more heroic than most people three times his age, and just hack his car’s steering with some GPS satellite connection fuckery, steer him to the road of YOUR choice while he tries to figure out what the hell is going on and why is the car doing its own thing, why won’t it take him where he wants to go, is he even driving this thing anymore? And since no, he’s not, not then and there at least, and you can’t be sure that left to his own devices, his own choices, he won’t try and course correct back in the direction he originally wanted to go, won’t try picking any of the off-ramps on THIS road and head somewhere else of his own choosing, well, guess you better just put some kind of auto-lock on his steering wheel so no matter what he does, how much he struggles with it, that steering wheel won’t budge, won’t take him anywhere but where its already taking him. And there’s no way out of the car, no chance to swap it out for another one that’s not possessed and actually goes left when he fucking tries to go left, and so he’s stuck. Just sitting there, being driven to an unknown destination he sure as hell didn’t choose considering its preprogrammed destination is a complete unknown to him, behind the steering wheel but driving in name only, since he’s basically a passenger on his own roadtrip here in his own car.....and he’s just. Stuck like that. Unable to do anything about it, not even sure what the problem is or what’s going on, just that something’s wrong and its like something inside him just won’t LET him be happy, even when its right there in front of him, would just require one conversation with one trusted friend and hopefully spread from there, but it’d be so easy to reach, he can see it so clearly.....he just can’t make himself reroute to that destination and so he just watches as it too fades into his rear view mirror and desperately wishes he could have any car other than the one he’s trapped in.

Of course, if Xavier was ever confronted about this, he’d be sympathetic for how difficult it made things for Bobby for sure. He’d talk about how he regretted the necessity, the needs of many, blah blah blah, actually all things Bobby quite agreed with and would have been the reasons he’d have said yes if given the opportunity to actively PICK this road and agree to whatever was necessary to make sure he stayed on it whether he liked it or not, cuz like, fate of the universe and all that right? It sucks but he gets it, and at least its not like its forever or anything..And at least then he could say it was all for a reason, that it wasn’t just fucked up for the sake of who even knows, its not like anyone ever gave him the script they wrote for this. He’s just along for the ride.

But that conversation never happened. Nor will that confrontation ever happen, I imagine. But if it did, I think ultimately there’s only one way it would finish. With Xavier defending his placement of an additional mental block once they returned to the past and he realized the problem inherent in having foreknowledge of every choice the 05 would make for the next fifteen years....except for this one specific choice whose trajectory had been altered WHILE IN THE FUTURE, meaning it was the ALTERATION from whatever it would have been that was all that was forgotten....but now there was a specific trajectory it HAD to follow and no way of knowing how closely or not it might have matched the trajectory it would have followed if not TEMPORARILY re-routed off course....before it was returned to.....its exact original trajectory BUT with a single specific target that NOW it HAD to hit....no matter what.

He wishes there’d been another way, Xavier would have assured him. He regrets how much it hurt Bobby, made him question himself, even hate himself. But really, he’d say at the end, all I did was make sure you arrived at a destination you’d already reached. I only steered you down the road your older self had already traveled, so ultimately it was your choices that led you there, I was just making sure you stuck with what you’d already chosen.

And Bobby just stands there even after he’s gone, looking at nothing off in the distance but mentally going over the same footage he’s been obsessing over ever since he found out about that second block: Watching the record of his own life, but not as a critic like he usually reviews his own past. This time just watching it as a viewer, through the eyes of someone who too often had very little to do with why so many things he’s seeing here went THIS way when he really wanted them to go THAT way instead. 

Hunting through the archives of his mind for more kindling to feed the fire of resentment and bitterness simmering in the darker places inside, more memories of times that stand out in his mind because he’s never understood until now why he would have chosen to do that when he remembers how badly he wanted to do this other thing and just couldn’t. Having had no clue until now what could possibly stopping him, like something was blocking him, an invisible barrier in his way every time he went to follow through on something but COULDN’T. Because it was. Keeping so much of what he wanted to do from ever transforming from thought into action. Trapped in his brain, unable to leave even though that’s what he WANTED them to do, that’s what he kept TELLING them to do. 

So many ideas, plans, wants, dreamed up and then organized and then sent out into the world - or at least that was the intention but for some reason he always seemed to stall at that final step. Find some excuse to just put it down, leave it where it was, never send it out into the world even though that meant over the years entire mounds of unrealized hopes and dreams had piled up around him because he couldn’t get the door open and he had no idea why. So much he’d wanted to do but never done. So much he’d wanted to say but never said. So much he’d lived without really living.

‘It was for the fate of the universe’ echoes in his head a lot. It helps, a little, because Bobby gets that. Of course he does. Its why he absolutely would have said yes, would have chosen this, would have accepted it if only he’d ever been given that opportunity, ever had actually been asked.

But then there’s that other echo too, the one that haunts, persists, mocks. The one where Xavier said ‘I was just making sure you stuck to what you’d already chosen.’

Because try as he might, turning every aspect of the situation around and around in his head trying to absorb it all, he keeps coming back to one single response to that last echo, the one that upends the reasonable sound of it with one simple sentence, and finally, there’s nothing in his head to stop him from putting voice to what he wants to say, there’s nothing cancelling his thoughts’ transformation into words at the last possible second. 

There’s nothing but him now, the real him, the full him, the him that has no hand but his own steering him in his chosen direction. There’s nothing in the way of who he wants to be, and no more confusion about why he so often was someone he didn’t want to be. 

Even if there’s no one but him around to hear it, there’s nothing but his own truth in his words, when he finally gets to speak it. Nothing holding him back or guiding him away from the truth about himself that he knows, will hold on to, will not be allowed to be stripped from him again. 

‘I was just making sure you stuck to what you’d already chosen.’

It echoes and haunts and twists in the breeze around him, but Bobby now knows how to tell someone else’s lies apart from his own truth, he knows how to hear when the words resounding in his head are not actually said with his voice. He knows where to look to find it now, knows how to face that self-serving bullshit head on and see it for what it is. Because the one certainty he can no longer be misled from, the truth that puts the lie to every regret Xavier tried to paint his face with, is as simple as it is clear.

“But I never actually chose any of that,” he says to the wind. There’s nothing and no one else around to hear, but he speaks it loud and firmly anyway, because that’s the voice that truth deserves. He repeats it, again and again and again until its the only thing he can hear. Drowning out the echoes of the lies he’s been told, been led to believe were his own thoughts and choices. Chasing away the justifications of someone who’d condemned him so many times for not realizing his full potential, all while knowing full well the reason he couldn’t: how could he, after all, how could anyone, when that full potential, that full, realized self, had to include such a major part of him? And how could there ever be justification, for knowing the binding on that part of his self that wouldn’t let him ever say its name, knowing that this was your own work, and yet watching him break himself against it over and over again throughout the years, letting him believe it was he himself that was the reason that stood in his way.

The echoes try to answer, try to speak in their defense, try to lie some more, but he’s done listening. Instead he just repeats himself again and again, still louder and louder. His own echoes chasing the impostors away, further and further every time he shouts forth a new one, and he could do that forever, he thinks. He feels energized, buzzing with a familiar intensity he can’t remember ever fully feeling since he was sixteen. Small wonder.

He shouts his truth some more, makes the air shudder and reverberate. The lies are harder to see now, as far removed as they are. Each echo of his own pushes them further and further into the distance, all around him in every direction. Like his own echoes are ripples in a pond, pushing ever outward and sending them a little further away with each new ripple he makes.

Its not good enough. Not anymore.

He’s done making ripples. He wants to make waves.

He gathers his breath, calling it up straight from his lungs, freshly chilled and crisp the way it always comes out when he lets a little of the infinite sea that is his power leak into his voice. 

That power that is enough to make a whole world go cold. Enough to break mountains, enough to freeze oceans. That power that is his and his alone now, like it always should have been.

Like every aspect of himself, all the things that make him him and that are now his and his alone. Like they always should have been.

“I never chose any of this,” he screams at last, shattering the air around him with the volume of the truth that’s lived somewhere inside him all along, knowing without knowing that something was wrong, that something wasn’t right, wasn’t him. Never voiced until now because someone else had chosen never to let him speak it. 

It surges out of him now, all the more forceful from the energy its stored up with no outlet for so long. Reaches so much further than even every shout he’s made before. Its coupled with his power, the words cascading outwards from him in every direction and bearing with them his signature cold. Making the air snap and sparkle with the intensity of it; a few falling leaves being carried on the breeze are frozen through and fall to the ground like a gentle rain of ice.

All around him, in every direction, the ground is upheaved, a circle of frostrime surrounding him like a fairy ring comprised of winter. The air shudders, the last of his echoes finally reach the horizon and fade off into the distance.

His truth remains, and in the center of the circle, finally, there’s calm.

[mittensmorgul]

I always thought Anna said "only an angel can kill an angel" because the idea that a human (or anything else) could ever obtain an angel blade was so ridiculous, they didn't even consider it. As for Cas not knowing who was killing angels, I now personally interpret that Cas was such a blind soldier (or recently back from obedience training with Naomi) that the idea a fellow angel would be working against them just didn't compute until he saw it for himself. Shaky, I know, but it's all I got 😜

Confession: I am watching 4.16 AT THIS MOMENT. As I type this. It’s on the tnt loop this morning :’D

First off, it’s not Anna who says that line, it’s URIEL. Aka, the antagonist of this episode:

URIEL: Alastair was much more powerful than we had imagined.CASTIEL: No. No demon can overpower that trap. I made it myself. We've been friends for a long time, Uriel. Fought by each other's sides, served together away from home, for what seems like forever. We're brothers, Uriel. Pay me that respect. Tell me the truth.URIEL: The truth is, the only thing that can kill an angel...A blade slides out of URIEL's sleeve into his grasp.URIEL: ...is another angel.

What Anna says, before she stabs him:

CASTIEL: You can't win, Uriel. I still serve God.URIEL: You haven't even met the man. There is no will. No wrath. No God.Between each phrase, URIEL punches CASTIEL. The last time, he raises his fist and is stabbed through the neck from behind.ANNA: Maybe. Or maybe not. But there's still me.

I just wanted that clarified, because it does change the tone of the line, and informs how much stock we should put into that judgment, you know? Considering the level of manipulation Uriel employed throughout s4 to this point, it’s pretty blatantly Part Of The Grand Plan, and therefore should be examined critically because of that. Uriel... wasn’t stating this as a blatant fact, but more in the way of a villain monologue confession “Yes, ’twas I that burned down the house!” sort of deal, you know? Okay, back to the actual question! :D

My working theory is “It’s Chuck’s fault.” I mean, the show just confessed that everything bad is actually Chuck’s fault. But it’s kinda been saying that since s4, too. Yes, a lot of s4 (and 4.16 really began this framing) as “a betraying element in Heaven who sided with Lucifer causing dissent and disobedience among the angels, but when asked, all the angels and archangels stated their reason for going forward with the apocalypse was that it was God’s Will, you know? This was the Grand Plan. But it went deeper than that, too.

When asked why now, and when Dean asked why me, the answer at the bottom of it all was because I’m tired. Raphael in s6, Gabriel in s5... they just wanted it all to be over. They were tired of trying to understand and live by God’s Grand Plan.

But Gabriel has also said, in 5.08: Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you?Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always.

It was always gonna be Dean and Sam. Gabriel started messing with them years earlier. We know Chuck began writing the Supernatural books at the beginning of the series, with The Woman In White, but that he’d been setting things in motion for the apocalypse to happen since long before that, at least as far back as 1973. Or possibly the earliest timeline point in canon-- When Sam met Samuel Colt and Dean killed a phoenix with it in 1863. You know, Chuck had to set all that up if wanted Sam and Dean to actually have a chance of releasing the Leviathans, you know?

Even the orders Chuck supposedly left the angels with when he flapped off for parts unknown long before the start of canon were contradictory, forcing them to choose which set to follow. Cas’s line has always been that the purpose of angels was to watch over humanity, while other angels (Michael, Raphael, et al) have always insisted that their purpose was to enact the apocalypse to bring God back to the world. So what did Chuck actually tell the angels? BOTH things are probably true. The angels CHOSE what to do with the time that was given to them, and Cas always chose humanity, while others always chose obedience to the Grand Plan to end it all. It was still always a CHOICE. Even 5.22 framed it as a choice-- Lucifer told Michael they could just walk away, but Michael was convinced that they had to go through with the fight because it was destined. He could’ve chosen differently, but everything that had led him to that point had convinced him that he was making the right choice in fulfilling that destiny. Only TFW overrode that choice.

Because Chuck manipulated EVENTS and SITUATIONS. And then left the choices to PEOPLE. He reminds me so much of Ruby in s4: I just gave you the options, and you chose the right path every time.

We’ve seen the mind-boggling level at which Chuck can manipulate events and people-- snapping his fingers and everyone on the planet can just lie again. But compare what he is willing to snap his fingers over, and what he makes excuses for and refuses to snap his fingers over. And what he ACTIVELY MANIPULATES into being despite his stated intentions, you know?

He actively manipulated 4.18 into being. Yes, it was Ruby manipulating Sam throughout s4 into total reliance on her, total alienation from Dean, and making him believe that her way was the only way to “stop Lilith.” She’d stated it from the start, from s3, that the only thing she wanted was “Lilith dead.” And that was TRUE. She just... dodged telling them the WHOLE truth.

I think Chuck is very much the same. Very much the angels in s4 and s5 like Zachariah who “avoided certain truths to manipulate you.”

And in retrospect, Chuck would’ve had the power to just snap his fingers and make every angel just forget they had an angel blade for half a year (or a year, or even several years as he ramped up the events of the apocalypse). But he also could’ve snapped his fingers and made the angels content to watch over humanity for an eternity, you know?

Because the real question Sam and Dean shouldn’t have been asking wasn’t “Why Us?” The real question was “why NOW?” If all of these events had been destined since the beginning of time, why was Heaven and Hell scrambling to make it all happen now?

Cupids had to make John and Mary Winchester meet, fall in love, and produce Sam and Dean. Demons had to interfere throughout Sam’s life (we learned from Lucifer in 4.22). And events of s2 had to be arranged to push Dean to sell his soul for Sam in 2.22, but really it had been the events of Dean’s entire life that had prepared him to actually do so.

The entire apocalypse could’ve fallen apart if ANY of these things hadn’t happened in the prescribed order, you know? Which we saw the proof of in 14.13. One wish on that pearl that pulled John out of his original timeline before the beginning of canon as we know it was enough to undo the work of angels and demons. The apocalypse just... never happened in that wish-changed universe.

So for something that was “always destined to happen,” it was shockingly easy to undo, you know? Just like Zachariah had the power to implant false memories in Dean and Sam in 4.17, just like Gabriel had the power to force them to “play their roles” in tv show after tv show, that’s kind of what Chuck’s been doing their entire lives.

In 5.08, Gabriel didn’t force words into their mouths, you know? He didn’t dictate what they would choose. Their free will remained intact. He was just nudging them to make the choices he wanted them to by dropping them into specific situations. And they still resisted, still kept trying to find another way out. I really do think 5.08 is an excellent metaphor for just how Chuck has been meddling in their lives all along (and again, that aspect of Chuck is very “Gabriel,” you know? He does have the other archangels’ characteristics as well, but his Chuck persona-- the part of him that waffled and denied he had the power to fix anything in 11.20-11.23, the part that taught himself guitar and wants to be pals with creation-- is basically Advanced Gabriel.

And just... deciding the angels shouldn’t have swords for a while could’ve just been an “interesting writing choice” for him at the time. Maybe he just wanted to see what would happen. Maybe he thought taking away their main weapon would make it easier to bring on the apocalypse.

Because I’m sitting here watching Alastair nearly killing Cas right now, and I find it IMPOSSIBLE to believe that in that situation, if Cas had an angel blade, he wouldn’t have pulled it out and stabbed Alastair with it. Instead he relied on Ruby’s knife to inflict pain on Alastair, even though it wasn’t able to actually kill Alastair. But an angel blade WOULD’VE killed Alastair, you know? And in theory, it would’ve killed Lilith, too...

During a season where most of the angels truly believed they were trying to STOP the apocalypse from happening (only a few knew the true plan, confessed by Zachariah in 4.22), if there HAD been a confrontation between an angel and Lilith before the end of the season, it would’ve been a matter of a bit of a stabbing and then BOOM no apocalypse, ever.

And this whole situation that Uriel created in 4.16 was framed as “we must stop the demon responsible for killing the angels!” As if his secondary plan was simply to foment dissent and distrust among the angels while intensifying the drive to battle the armies of Hell.

And through all of this, Cas’s lesson via Anna is about learning to choose for himself, to think for himself. Basically... he’s learning how to be human, and what it means to have free will.

It’s only after he’s resurrected by Chuck in 5.01 that he suddenly has an angel blade again. And it’s only after that point that ALL the angels suddenly have them. When NONE of them had angel blades throughout the entirety of s4.

So when Uriel said that in 4.16 (which... I’m literally watching that scene RIGHT NOW), I think it was literally true. Uriel had the only angel blade in existence as of that moment.

[eric-raleigh]

All the odd numbers ^^

ULTIMATE CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE 

hoooooooooooooboy. LOL You and your ‘go big or go home’ complex. XD (j/k ilu)

1. What words or phrases do they overuse?Hm. He’s not stuck on one particular word or phrase. He does tend to overuse sarcasm though. 

3. Are they more optimistic or pessimistic?Eric has always considered himself to be fairly optimistic, but also a realist. The introduction to the Saviors took a heavy toll on his optimism and he wasn’t able to find a silver lining in anything other than the fact that he and Aaron were still alive. After Aaron got the shit beaten out of him, there were no more silver linings, and Eric feared that if they stayed, they would die.

5. What bad habits do they have?Worrying is probably Eric’s worst habit because it usually ends up getting him into a situation where he winds up doing something stupid. The end result is that the situation blows up in his face or he winds up getting hurt (physically and/or emotionally).

7. How do they display affection?A smile, a look, a touch, a soft kiss, resting his forehead against his lover’s. His affection can even be as simple as him asking about someone’s day, or taking a genuine interest in them to show he cares about them.  

9. Strongest character trait? Weakest character trait?His kindness is probably his strongest trait. He’s the type who would share his last bite of bread with someone else, no matter how hungry he was, just so they wouldn’t go without. He can be a little impatient at times, which leads him to being somewhat short and less cheerful than usual.  

11. How do they react to praise? How do they react to criticism?Eric is not one for the limelight, so praise makes him uncomfortable. He’ll usually brush praise off with a “it’s nothing” or deflect the praise onto someone else if there was a joint effort. He’s never been very good at taking criticism, either, and it can deflate him quite a bit. There’s nothing wrong with being show how to do something different or better, but if someone is criticizing him personally, it can pretty much ruin his day and drag him down. He’ll get very quiet and withdrawn until he gets over it.

13. What are their biggest secrets?Eric shares everything with Aaron, so he really has no secrets. The only time he really doesn’t tell Aaron what he’s thinking is when he starts wanting to leave Alexandria behind after the Saviors come into their lives. He knows it’s selfish of him, and he knows Aaron would be disappointed in him for thinking it. When the topic is broached just before Aaron leaves on a mission to find Father Gabriel, he knows he was right in not sharing that thought with Aaron, as his partner criticizes it, leaving him feeling even more guilty for thinking it.

15. When was the last time they cried?This depends on threads, but in every timeline of events, it’s after Aaron walks away, leaving him beneath the tree. He knows it’s the last time he’ll see Aaron, and it was killing him to not show how scared he was, how sad he was, or how much pain he was in for Aaron’s sake.

17. What was your character like as a baby? As a child?Eric doesn’t remember being a baby, but he remembers stories from his parents about never wanting to keep his diaper on. He was a good kid, respectful and hardworking (whether it be school or chores). He was kind-hearted and loved being outdoors. His love for music and playing instruments was instilled early in his childhood, and his parents were always encouraging him to learn new things.

19. What is their best childhood memory? What is their worst childhood memory?Best childhood memory is summertime in the mountains in Tennessee. Catching fireflies, camping down by the creek with all the other kids. Worst childhood memory...probably when he realized he was the only gay kid in his little ecovillage. Watching boys and girls pair off and start dating was hard for him. Looking back now, he’s pretty sure there were a couple of other LGBTQ kids in his community, but they either weren’t sure yet of their sexuality or just kept it secret.

21. Are they in a relationship?Very much so.

23. How do they respond to a threat?It depends on the seriousness of the threat, but usually the response manifests first in his expression, which will range from “the f--k you just say to me?” to “I am mentally stabbing you with a thousand knives.” If it’s a physical threat, if Eric can walk away, he will. If he has to fight back, he will defend himself.

25. What is their choice of weapon?The knife he carries at his hip. He finds it easier to weld than a gun and more effective. He’s a decent shot with a gun, but at least with a knife he knows he can put someone down instead of just maim or slow them.

27. Where do they go when they’re angry?Somewhere where he can be alone and decompress. He needs time to walk away from an argument or a situation so he can think about it and not respond in anger. If he’s not given the option to walk away and cool down, the situation is likely to get worse because he will lash out verbally.

29. Who or what is your character’s guardian angel?His grandmother, Ida Mae. After she died when he was in college, Eric has somehow always felt her presence in the more trying moments of his life.

31. What are their religious views?Eric has a more agnostic approach to God and religion. Maybe something’s out there, but maybe it isn’t. He appreciates the bits of the Bible that say love is the most important of all, and that you should always love your neighbor. It isn’t until the dead start to rise that Eric starts having a crisis of faith--wondering why, if God did exist, he would allow such suffering, and if the dead had come back, did that mean there was no heaven or hell. Of course, he wasn’t moved enough by this crisis to really do anything serious until the war with the Saviors when he decided it might actually be time to start praying. Not for himself, but for Aaron and their friends.

33. What do they think hell is?Hell is having the rear tire of a car rolled over your ankle with roamers trying to make you a meal.

35. If they could call one person for help, who would it be?Aaron. Wouldn’t even be a thought in the matter.  Unless the person he was calling the help for was Aaron...then, in that case...Daryl.

37. What is their greatest regret?Not making his way back to Tennessee after the outbreak to find his family. He and Aaron had actually been headed towards the place Eric grew up when they came across Rick’s group. Deciding it was more important to to help the group, they agreed to go back to Tennessee another time. They never made it back to Tennessee...

39. What is their idea of perfect happiness?A long life with Aaron.

[shirtlesssammy]

13x20: Unfinished Business

Then:

Gabe knows Dean likes Dr. Sexy

Now:

In a darkened back alley, a man walks drunkenly away from a liquor store. A kazoo sounds in the distance. Ah, it seems that our favorite archangel’s horn is actually a kazoo. And the drunken man is actually Fenrir Odinsbane, one of the demi-gods that sold Gabriel to Asmodeus. Gabe confronts Fenrir.

Fisticufts ensue. Gabriel wins, but barely.

The Winchesters, meanwhile, are checking into a motel. Dean’s updating Cas on the phone about their plans. SOFT. They really got married and didn’t tell us. Dean is frustrated with their lack of finding Gabriel, but Rowena’s spell said he could be close. He wants to locate him, and get a move on finding their mom and Jack. These thoughts all manifest before he knew this motel room has magic fingers of course. (Love the call back to earlier seasons. Not only is Gabriel back, but the room has a gritty and dark feel that evokes early seasons as well.) Their work is reduced by 100% when Gabriel knocks on their door.

In the AU, Jack is proudly telling Mary about his growing abilities. Mary’s concerned about the logistics of maintaining the resistance. (Hoard toilet paper!) Fellow freedom fighter, Jacob, arrives and tells them that the angels are leaving.

Gabe, torso bleeding and powers low, inquires about his grace. The brothers inform him that it’s gone, so he’ll have to wait for his grace to recharge before he can heal himself.

Jack uses his powers to see Michael’s headquarters. It’s just as Jacob reported: Empty. Jack wants to go there.

Sam and Dean ask Gabriel for his help (again) but he’s not much of a joiner. Before he can ditch again, they get a visit from Fenrir’s brothers: Narfi and Sleipnir.

Fisticuffs ensue. Gabriel offs Narfi but Sleipnir escapes.

Once at Michael’s headquarters, the resistance finds a map --it’s clearly the North American continent, but it’s not the United States anymore. It’s creepy! I love it. It shows a concentration of army figures in what was once the southern United States. They also find Kevin Tran! He was left behind when the angels left town. (So this apocalypse has only been happening for eight years? Like, did it follow the same timeline as our universe?) He reveals that “there’s a place in the south where the walls between worlds are thin.” He plans on entering our world there.

Sam and Dean locks Gabriel up and force him to spill his story. Loki and Gabriel go way back --to the time when Gabriel saved Loki. Loki owed Gabe one so when Gabriel needed to hide from the world, Loki set him up in Monte Carlo with porn stars. This sequence is pure gold. I love it all.

Well, the fun and games had to end eventually, and Gabriel was kidnapped and sold to Asmodeus. Gabriel wants revenge, and because he’s low on grace, he’s doing it the old fashioned way --with wooden stakes. 

He even has one reserved for Loki himself.

In the AU, the group continues to strategize their plan for Michael.

And, yo, Dean is in a bad place, guys. He’s drinking from his flask. He also isn’t convinced Gabriel’s revenge is the best plan.

Dean pulls Sam into the hallway to have a “private” conversation (really close to an archangel so how private can it really be?). He's concerned that Gabriel's revenge plot is a waste of time...for them and for Gabriel as well. Revenge never did a damn thing for himself, for their dad… Dean calls Sam out on his own unspoken revenge fantasy of killing Lucifer. Still, Sam convinces Dean to give Gabriel’s plan a try and they get ready to head out. Gabriel knows where to go, too. Loki is holed up in the penthouse of the Ophidian hotel. (Ophidian means snake.) How...obvious of Loki.

Gabriel gleefully pulls out his cartoonish kill list. Dean is...less than impressed. “This is so stupid,” he mutters, which puts a nice lampshade on the more obvious Kill Bill parallels.

So the plan is that they'll kill Sleipnir, then Loki in the penthouse. “Easy peasy like a breezy,” Gabriel declares. GABE. Stop charming us!

In the AU Mary strongly urges Jack to calm the fuck down and take it slow. She compares him to herself as a hunter. “Running in blind into every fight? That's how you make mistakes.” She begs for Jack to reconsider his plan to go south and attack Michael right away. “I can't lose another boy,” she says. (This reminds us all that she thinks Cas is dead and we spend the next hour weeping.)

Kevin interrupts. He tells them that Michael set him one more task...and if he does it then he gets to go to Heaven to see his mother. Everyone’s instantly on their guard because Kevin looks...intense. Mary pushes one of the resistance leader’s guns down and tries to talk to Kevin. She tells him that Heaven is just memories and that nothing there is real. (I’m like...FINALLY this show is really addressing again what a fucked up situation Heaven actually is! Thank you Mary, for calling it like it fucking is.)

Kevin doesn't care though. He's suffered. He's done terrible things. And now he wants it to end. Kevin tells Jack that Michael doesn't want to kill him. He wants to break him. Then Kevin presses his hand to a sigil carved into his chest and flaring blue light fills the room. Oh, Kevin. Getting the shaft in every universe. :(

Jack wraps his wings around Mary at the last minute.

Cut back to Gabe’s stylized revenge story. Our heroes stalk their way up through the dingy Ophidian hotel corridors. In the elevator Gabriel instructs the Winchesters that they can kill the guards but Sleipnir and Loki are his to kill.

The elevator opens upstairs to reveal Sleipnir and two guards in plain view. Both sides freeze for a moment, processing. And then...Gabriel douses the lights. Gunfire erupts and the fighting is illuminated in flashes of light as the Winchesters and Gabriel advance on their quarry.

When Gabe turns on the lights again he has Sleipnir on the floor beneath his blade...and Dean's disappeared with the suitcase full of the rest of the blades. Gabe kills Sleipnir and then he and Sam chase after Dean.

Dean stalks his way up to the penthouse, bearing Loki's wooden blade. He tips open the door and finds Loki at last. Loki sits calmly in his brightly lit penthouse suite sucking on a lollipop.

He places his sucker into his lollipop humidor - which is a delightful touch. I mean, I seriously want to send a card to whoever made it to thank them for being an awesome and creative human being. Loki reveals that he's out for his own revenge against Gabriel. Gabriel went against their original deal. He was supposed to lay low and stay out of his family's apocalyptic nonsense and in exchange, Loki would hide him. But when Gabriel drew all the gods to the Elysian Fields hotel back in season 5, he got Odin killed. For that, Loki wants his revenge.

Loki tells Dean that his father was terrible to him, but that he would do anything to avenge him – and wouldn't Dean agree with that? (Whoa, this episode is doing all kinds of digging up the past and I LOVE it.) Dean represses heavily, blows off his explanation, and tries to stab him, but it turns out that Loki is just a projected illusion. He's elsewhere in the hotel!

Cue Gabriel, tearing around a corner with Sleipnir's blade. He finds Loki hanging out downstairs…

Back in the penthouse, projection!Loki hits Dean and Dean realizes that Loki can hit him...but he can't make a dent in Loki. It's the “perks” of fighting a real trickster, apparently. Sam arrives, shoots, and fake Loki poofs out.

Meanwhile, (the probably real?) Loki taunts Gabriel about how he went to him for help during the apocalypse. Gabe can’t do anything on his own. I get the sense that if Loki had access to a pen and paper, he’d draw a sidewalk-artist caricature of Gabriel dressed in a dirty diaper. Dean and Sam show up and Dean slides Gabriel the Loki blade, but Loki continues to burn Gabriel. Gabriel lived for nothing. He'll die for nothing. Gabriel swallows down his despair, kills Loki, and then shares a nod with Sam. (This is where I see the seeds of Gabriel’s redemption sown. It’ll be interesting to see how this affects Sam’s journey.)

Back in the AU, light streams in through the crosses in the walls, illuminating ruined bodies. Jack's wings unfurl to reveal Mary unconscious in his embrace. He stares around the ruined church in despair. I stare around the ruined church in despair. Oh, Kevin.

Outside the hotel, Sam and Dean head to the Impala and stuff those cool wooden blades into Baby’s trunk. (I’m definitely NOT imagining Dean playing with them in his bathrobe in the bunker...when he’s mentally in a better place, anyway.) Gabriel thanks the Winchesters for their help and then asks how they all plan to kill Michael. He’s ready to help them. “No tricks?” Dean asks.

“Tricks are for kids,” Gabriel replies. Sam asks how Gabe is feeling after he had his revenge and he tells him that he feels, “Swell. I'm a whole new guy.” As Sam turns away, Gabriel’s smile fades....

In the AU, Jack tells Mary that Kevin’s attack was his fault. Mary consoles him. God, Mary is just the BEST. So strong and world weary.

Back in the bunker, Cas is reportedly helping Gabe get settled in while Dean healthily downs whiskey at the war room table. Sam asks Dean why he went after Loki without them. “This has become a whole thing with you lately,” Sam protests. He wants to know why Dean's treating him with kid gloves and keeping him out of fights.

“You remember what happened the last time we got front row tickets to the Lucifer/Michael show?” Dean asks. He tells Sam that he doesn’t care what happens to himself...but he cares about Sam. (I’ll take this moment to point out Dean’s flask drinking during the case earlier...and how Billie told him she’d see him soon. I’m pretty sure Dean’s staring down the barrels of impending death right now...and he thinks he deserves it.) Sam tells Dean that they'll save Jack and their mom together – or they'll die together. Dean loves this plan.

Dudes.

These Quotes are on my Kill List:

No gimmicks. No tricks. Just mano a mano.

He died as he lived. Side by side with the bottle.

Raspberries.

Don't let anybody ever tell you you're just a pretty face.

If I can't keep them safe then what's the point?

The hell are you guys? The hell are these guys?

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

[laufeymoar]

A reminder to the blogger [me]:

Ok, I should have done this as soon as the con was finished, but I didn’t think of it until now so whatever. This is just for me to get my thoughts together and remember what happened at this goddamn convention even when I am old and wrinkly and dying of some disease. Anyway, memories and impressions of SFCon 2017, wherein I speak to JPad’s sister (shoutout to all artists everywhere, Megan) and Rachel Miner, Jeffrey Dean Morgan harps on about Wincest for a bizarrely long time, and ‘meeting’ Jared turns out to be everything I could have hoped for.

Friday:

Melanie and I get there as soon as my class is done. We eat weird af avocado sushi and don’t have time to do anything else because we’re already like hours late lol. I did my best to look a little bit like Ruby, even though my hair was pulled back. SO. I don’t really remember the order any of this shit happened in, but I believe the first people we saw on stage were Richard Speight Jr. and Rob Benedict with Louden Swain, and I had my first freak out of the weekend by screaming ‘GABRIEL’ like a goddamn idiot and nearly falling apart right then and there. This was when Melanie would step in and remind me to behave like a normal human being, and I appreciated that. (Also, note: we sat in the front generally during the weekend, but Friday had the BEST seats because the Gold Member people weren’t there yet so we were RIGHT IN FRONT OF FUCKING GABRIEL BYE)

Anyway, next was the guy who played Adam. He was fucking HILARIOUS. I got to ask him a question, but before that I think someone asked him whether he prefers Sam or Dean as an ally or something like that, and I breathlessly whisper SAM and then cover my mouth, but the damage was done, the guy who played Adam fucking teased me (good-naturedly, of course, literally no one at this convention had a mean bone in their body) and I briefly reassessed what an appropriate level of ‘chill’ was. Anyway, I ask him if he’s heard of the theory that Adam is actually safe in heaven because Castiel blew his vessel to bits before Lucifer killed him (thereby killing Adam but not Michael). Jake (I think that’s the actor’s name?) thought about it a bit, I think ultimately decided he’d prefer hell? 

Also, to the girl who pointed out that Death confirmed that Sam and Adam’s souls were both in the cage...well played, sister, but in my defense I have for some reason been rewatching the first three seasons on repeat and not moving on, so my memory of season 5-6 is VERY BLURRY. 

Anyway, then it’s David Hayden Jones. Melanie and I had, up to this point, been playing the personality alignment game - I think Jake was Chaotic Good? Well, David Hayden Jones was TRUE GOOD. HE IS THE PUREST MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. He was FUNNY af and reeeeeally good at improv (confirmed by Melanie, a living breathing person that has experience in theater), and he remembered like fucking everyone he had spoken with online by NAME and chatted with them a little bit even though this is discouraged by Creation (but not enforced), and was just an overall great person. The ONLY Destiel question (dear god why) of the weekend was directed at him, and he handled it brilliantly (”Ketch would think of a ‘ship’ as something that floats on water...”). 

Anyway, after that, I decide to get something signed by fucking Gabriel because what do I need $35 for? Food? HA! I prove to everyone that I am a mess because I bought a ticket and lost it, this is no fucking exaggeration FS you idiot, TEN SECONDS after buying it. TEN. The subsequent ten minutes were spent trying to find it and charming the lady that had just sold it to me to give me another one for free. I managed to do the latter, but I also found the ticket before things got critical so ALL WAS WELL. 

This led to an amazing interaction with one of the Creation volunteers (take a shot for Vera everybody) who, and keep in mind she had been talking to Melanie and I for roughly ten minutes here, proclaims with all the confidence in the world that I am the ‘Jared’ and Melanie is the ‘Jensen’ of our relationship. This is because I’m scatterbrained and get lost and get LOUD, and Melanie is a planner who gets up on time and looks out for me even though I’m a grown-ass adult. Melanie and I are both shocked at this callout culture and that our dynamic is so easily displayed, though I think the loss of the stupid ticket did give Vera a pretty big hint. 

I guess I was in a one-man competition with myself for the trophy of ‘least prepared for life’ because I get in the autograph room thing and realize I have literally nothing for fucking Gabriel to sign (also there was a whole situation with pdf v physical tickets thing but you know what bye), so I gotta give the man my hot pink Michael Kors wallet, just like everyone else does duh [note: this was also when Melanie and I meet an amazing lady who let us hold the angel blade she had, and the thing was fucking authentic, THANK YOU WHY IS EVERYONE SO NICE]. 

So he gets the wallet, along with a sticky note of my name (everyone got a sticky note with their name but I was especially grateful because my name is ridiculous), and he proceeds to PERFECTLY pronounce it, better than some of my fucking friends irl (this is a callout post, do better). He asks me where I’m from. I panic because that is the identity crisis that every foreigner faces after living more than fifteen years in a new country, but I just say Bulgaria cuz it explains my name. He then proceeds to say that I don’t have an accent which is impressive and I just nod silently like a goddamn idiot. THEN he asks me if he should visit Bulgaria, because he’s never been, and this is clearly my limit in terms of speaking with a celebrity because I reply with ‘we have a sea’ and WRENCH BACK MY WALLET FROM HIS GRASP. Having zero chill, I don’t even give myself one damn second to walk away from the man before throwing my hands in the air and doing a bizarre victory lap in a quest to find Melanie again (yes he saw and no I don’t give af).

That night we eat amazing food and play a short session of DnD, wherein my HP drops to zero and I’m pretty sure I have two angels competing to save my life because everyone realizes the odds were against my Level 1 fucking human hunter (oh, Sam...) but whatever. 

Saturday:

I remember this day the least. We were SUPER late so we missed, like, all the panels lol. There was one panel with the guy who played Henry Winchester in, and correct me if I’m wrong here, ONE goddamn episode. So at one point me and Melanie are like ‘fuck that’ and go check out the vendor’s room at the con, including the Random Acts table. We meet an amazing volunteer there (shout out to Sara, girl I will find you on twitter ok give me a hot second) and Rachel Miner, who is absolutely lovely and dedicated to bettering this black hole of a world. We talk to them for like 40 minutes (fulfilling my dream of combining fandom and real life by talking to an actress I admire about shit that matters for A LONG ASS TIME FUTURE ME OK) before leaving for Melanie’s Photo Op that I was in lol (Saturday was ‘Melanie day’ and Sunday was my day in terms of actors we came to see). 

We stand in line for the Photo Ops, and it’s about as close as I’ve ever seen Melanie to a sober ‘not in control’ form. Even though she hasn’t been in this fandom for years, she was still worried she’d cry. She didn’t, thankfully, because at the last second I realized I had brought nothing in the form of a tissue...

So:

Melanie’s directions to Misha Collins were something along the lines of, “we’re in a fight, can you mediate between us?” (inspired by the other night’s DnD catastrophe). Misha very benevolently accepts, and the beauty before you is the result (I was Sam on Saturday, btw, though I realized very quickly that my super low key interpretation did not register like most of the dedicated cosplayers’ did - and by the way? At this con, 90% of the people were dressed in some form of plaid monstrosity, obviously including me). 

After we leave (Misha said thank you to us because he is a doll and maybe socially awkward deep down inside), we are immediately accosted by Creation for an interview because obviously, we are the smoothest chicks around. We praise them to the high heavens then go off to listen to some more panels. 

OH DEAR GOD. How could I forget Mark Sheppard?! OK I don’t remember where this fits into the timeline, but Mark Sheppard comes out, gives a very lovely speech to thank Louden Swain and Rob and fucking Gabriel for the time and effort they put into these cons, then proceeds to give the most MAUDLIN talk of the whole convention. So many highlights. He expresses frustration at the fact that his final line, “even when I lose, I win,” was cut. He explains that Crowley’s character arc had run its course a while ago. He takes the piss out of any Castiel cosplayers that were there (we were momentarily worried he’d target Melanie because he was walking up the aisle right where we were sitting, but he was thankfully distracted by a cute baby). He talks about his sobriety, what God and humanity mean to him. It was very deep, very cool (one part of his speech was about the power of fandom, “it’s not just that they wear the same uniform as you, it’s that you CAN wear the same uniform”, and honestly I was near tears, the man fucking understood). This went on for quite a while, it was Mark’s last convention, and it was around this time I felt ABSOLUTELY fucking exhausted. 

I’m pretty sure-NO. Actually. Before Misha’s panel, it was the actor who plays Jack (I believe his name is Alex). It was his first convention too, though tbh, though there were more people watching him, David Hayden Jones got louder cheers. ANYWAY. I don’t remember much about Alex’s panel except that Misha crashed it using a ridiculous voice, and he crashed it RIGHT IN FRONT OF WHERE WE WERE SITTING. Night made. 

Then it’s Misha’s panel, and I honestly don’t remember anything about it, sorry future me. I remember he was pretty funny, and I liked him. 

Thennn we go home (no karaoke or concert), and after dinner and tea sleep pretty much immediately. 

Sunday:

Then, the big day (for me). It starts off pretty great. Though we were later than I wanted to be, we catch the end of fucking Gabriel and Rob’s panel (Matt was there too, the guy who plays young John Winchester). These three are fucking hilarious together, but also, super talented. They do this weird talk-sing improv that ends up AMAZING and that Melanie assures me is very hard. 

I’m gonna mess up the order now, but I think we go in the vendor’s room and we meet Jared Padalecki’s sister Megan, who has a children’s book coming out. I buy one for my sister (you’re welcome Adi) and she signs it for us. We also have a pretty productive conversation about how to get your work noticed online, and I for some bizarre reason that is completely unknown to me advise Megan to get a DeviantArt. God did not bless me with ANY reasoning skills, and I am decidedly bitter about that. 

Then...it was time.

So I’m worried the entire time I’m going to cry. I didn’t understand the phrase ‘thrumming with excitement’ until this point. I also felt slightly like throwing up, which was very uncool but just my luck. I was thankfully distracted by a very tall woman who was excited to meet someone her height.

When you enter the room for the photo ops, it’s about five minutes before it’s actually your turn, so I got to watch Jared Padalecki interact with people for five minutes before it was our turn, and I have to say it was freaking incredible. The man was bouncing off the walls. He had already been doing this for TWO HOURS and he was still energetic and hugging EVERYONE. Also, since he was the one initiating, Creation couldn’t say SHIT, so pretty much everyone left with a GIGANTIC grin on their faces. Still felt a little like throwing up though. 

Ok. I know everyone says this. But he is TALL in real life. He’s not ‘huge’, it’s not season 3, but he’s very elegant looking and quite frankly beautiful. Better looking than he is on the show. And he greets us with a gigantic SMILE and his hair is so fucking SHINY and I was just ready for death at that point tbh.

...anyway. I say something along the lines of, “channel the DRUNKEST sorority girl you’ve ever seen in your life. We’re your two friends dragging you home.” He nods very determinedly, we grab him by the waist and ABSOLUTELY do not see the face he makes, and it’s over in like 5 seconds. BUT when we’re done, I catch his eye briefly (and am close to tears at this point) and he BRINGS US INTO THE BEST DAMN BEAR HUG I HAVE EVER RECEIVED IN MY LIFE. I forget if any thank you’s were exchanged because at that point my mind was mush. I do remeber he said that he channeled ‘emotional drunk’, and this was the goddamn result. Acting, folks.

(Later, when we see this picture, Melanie and I laugh so loud that some random man asks to see the photo op because we just could not chill for ages). 

As we were leaving the room, we briefly meet Clif, J2′s bodyguard, and he was very nice and very graceful about the fact that I gushed about Jared to him for like 20 solid seconds. 

Then, it’s time for the main panels. The first one was with the actress who plays Mary, and she was lovely if a bit inefficient at answering questions quickly (I’m only bitter because I was going to ask her where she WANTED Mary and Sam’s relationship to go, and what she thought about the fact that Sam felt disconnected from her), and then Jeffrey Dean Morgan came up and riffed with her a bit (I did not think I would be as excited as I was to see Jeffrey Dean Morgan). 

Jeffrey Dean Morgan is something else. First off, he’s fucking hilarious. There are many things I could say about the answers he gave, but I’m sure there’s a transcript somewhere that would do a better job, All I need YOU to remember, future me, is the fact that the man brought up fanfiction by himself (”we’re in fanfiction land now, people”), and then for some reason that will never be clear to me brought up WINCEST. And then KEPT TALKING ABOUT WINCEST. I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD I NEARLY CHOKED. Also, while I’m sure 99% of Destiel shippers were laughing along with all of us, I’m sure there was a faction of 1% that was bitter about the fact that JDM was under the impression that Wincest was still the BNS and that made me so happy inside. 

(It makes sense that JDM thought that, though. He was on the show when Wincest was at the height of its popularity, and he never kept up. APPARENTLY, J2 sent him some Wincest, and he got a kick out of it. These guys really are a lot more open-minded than I would be in their situation...JDM did call Wincest fans perverts though, so all is right with the world.) 

Thennnnn it was J2 time. The main event for me had been seeing Jared up-close, so I was relatively subdued, but it was still a great panel. The two of them are hilarious. They sound like every pair of best friends that remember shit differently and refuse to stop arguing about it (highlights of the panel: whose fault was Jared’s stabbed leg, how does one pronounce Nevada, how J2 respectively almost died, Jensen refuting a fan who implied that Sam was better as a supportive role to Dean). Jensen kept interrupting Jared’s stories with (admittedly funny) asides, and while Jared did the same occasion, it was not on the same level, which I found interesting. Idk how I felt when Rob and fucking Gabriel came back out and started jamming out hardcore with Jensen while Jared kinda hung back. I know that’s his own choice, and that they’d love him to perform with them, but idk. I wish he was secure enough to come out of his shell. 

Also - when they came down the stairs, Jared was all smiles and waves while Jensen was super subdued. We as fans don’t know anything about them so this is pure speculation but I am allowed to do that on my own blog damn it and I’m pretty sure that Jared is a genuine extrovert while Jensen is the opposite, and it really shows when the two of them are apart (together, Jensen becomes about as animated as Jared, albeit in a different way).

We stayed for the Kings of Con panel so I could stare at fucking Gabriel some more, and was heartened to find out that Richard Speight Jr. took objection to the fact that God “didn’t have time” to bring back Gabriel as much as I did. Nevertheless, fun panel, though I don’t remember any more details (Melanie probably will tbh, in keeping up with a recurring theme, she has a better memory than I do). After the panel, Melanie and I took pictures, I scored some free shirts, we went home. 

Something that didn’t really make it into this entry but I would like to keep note of is the fact that the people at this con were incredible. The volunteers, the people in the audience, every random human Melanie and I spoke to - all incredible. It was finally a group of people ready to debate the finer points of Sam’s refusal of Lucifer in the 11th season, etc., which is on one hand, like, “duh”, but on the other hand, it really isn’t. Amazing experience overall, you had fun, Melanie had fun, no one died, all was well. 

Until the next one (which, uh, we may have to end up going to New Jersey?! We will see about THAT)!           

[colp76-blog]

It’s hard for me to recognise that Star Trek Deep Space Nine is over 26 years old. I first watched this series on BBC2 in the 90s when they had the rights to air it, not long after that I was consuming the VHS tapes as my hunger for the show grew. Actually; I can feel that passing of time now when I think about it . . . . . It’s basically a lifetime ago. What a world we lived in back then, when entertainment wasn’t just a click away, look how spoilt we have become, I find it tiresome to put a DVD in the player these days. That click away is a very good reason that I have been less than productive over the last few weeks! I’ve been knee-deep in Galactic disputes, Jambalaya and Orbs. Yes, welcome to the wonderful world of binge-watching. Thanks to Netflix, I no longer have to wait for an episode anymore, even better for me is the “Skip Intro” button, just pour that sweet Ketracel-white into my veins. You know what I have learnt whilst watching this series in its entirety, it’s amazing and would say at this moment in time could be my new favourite series in the franchise. Strong words for someone who has watched The Next Generation as much as me. Funny thing is, I’m not alone as Deep Space Nine is having a real resurgence in the zeitgeist. The Member Berries are strong with this one. Anyway, this is isn’t gonna be a deep kick in the history of DS9 but me picking out my favourite episode from each season. I just thought I best make some use of those hours I lost in the abyss of a streaming app, don’t get me wrong, it was bloody glorious. Enough of the small talk, let’s get started.

Season 1. Captive Pursuit, January 31st, 1993.

Chief Miles O’Brien Colm Meaney what a character and what an episode. As much as I enjoyed the first season of Deep Space Nine it felt like it was still in its infancy stage but this episode hit the ground running. The humanity of Miles is so well written in this episode as he builds a relationship with a Gamma Quadrant alien called Tosk who is one of the best alien costumes in the entire series in my opinion. Tosk says his ship was damaged in the wormhole but was damaged by laser fire and then the mystery begins. Later we learn that Tosk is nothing more than prey for the Hunters, unable to let the prime directive decide Tosk’s future Mile’s does what he knows is right and helps his friend escape. This is pure Star Trek in its element and Tosk is by far one of my favourite characters of the franchise, I just wish we would have seen more of him.

  Season 2. Paradise, February 13th. 1994.

Captain Sisko Avery Brooks and Mile O’Brien locate an M-Class Planet and decide to investigate it further. A colony that once belonged to Starfleet has been living there for ten years, creating a utopian, paradise after they ship they had crashed, stranding them. Turning there back on the technology available to them, the camp opts out for a simpler and more rewarding way of life, that is until someone becomes ill and has to suffer; regardless of using medical science to cure her. As captain Sisko becomes more alarmed by Alixus’s way of running the colony, she becomes more annoyed with his reluctance to conform to the rules. Later Sisko is put into a metal crate as punishment, leaving Miles to work out that Alixus had actually planned the crash on the planet and has kept them there since. Paradise soon begins to unravel and eventually Alixus is forced to pay for her crimes. Funny thing is, most of the colony decide to stay on the planet. Great episode as we much the captain grows into his role, at this point in the series you can really understand how determined and passionate he is about injustice and freedom.

Season 3. Past Tense: Part 1,  January 2nd 1995. Past Tense: Part 2,  January 9th 1995.

A time travel episode that takes us back to San Fransico 2024. I really struggled to come up with anything I really liked from season three, to be honest, this is definetly the worst season from the series. This double bill certainly did take me back to the ’90s though. I think the moral of the story is meant to be something more meaningful but this is just a comedy episode for me. First, is Jadzia Dax! Why is she wearing something Sherlock Holmes would suit better? Next, we have the doom and gloom of the Sanctuary District, every extra in the scene is walking with there heads down and looking gloomy, it was hilarious. Nothing can compete with Miles and Kira energising into different parts of San Fransico’s timeline, the hippy scene was just car-crash television on the highest scale, wonderful! The positive again is Avery Brook’s as he takes part in the Bell Riots, he really does stand out from the rest of the cast in this episode as he falls into the role of Gabriel Bell.

Season 4. Hard Time, 15th April 1996.

I guess I really do like the character of Cheif Miles O’Brien as this stand-alone episode features the darts playing engineer again. Saying that though, this is such a well-written episode that any of the characters could have carried the story. Miles finds himself locked in a cell and is released after twenty years of confinement. Luckily for him, its only been a matter of hours as those memories of his imprisonment are artificial and he can go back to his normal life once again, or can he?  The Cheif suffers flashbacks back on the station, which eventually spills over in his real life as he lashes out at daughter Molly and assaults Quark. Miles is placed on medical leave but is constantly visited by former cellmate Ee’char. Miles sees no way out from this nightmare and finding a weapons locker pulls out a phaser and sets it maximum, until his friend Julian arrives. It seems Miles is feeling guilty as he killed Ee’char over a few pieces of bread that hill cellmate was saving for both of them, Julian manages to talk Miles down and explains that he isn’t an animal and can get help to move on with his life. As Miles gives in to what has happened, Ee’char slowly disappears from his mind.

Season 4. Trails and Tribble-ations, 4th November 1996.

Another time travel episode but the difference between this episode and Past Tense is a huge leap forward in terms of quality for Deep Space Nine. The Department of Temporal Investigations visit the station and they want answers! The one thing I like about this series is that it manages to be a serious and somewhat heavy show and still manage to have little moments of fun in between,  this episode is somewhat on the lighter side, even though the plot could have devastating results. Basically, the plot is pretty simple as the crew pick up the Orb of Time and a hitchhiker, Arne Darvin. During the trip back to the station, the crew find out they have been transported back 200 light years back to original Enterprise, the one featuring Kirk, Spock and the rest of the crew. Sisko and his crew must do everything they can to stop Arne changing the timeline, in which Captain Kirk had disgraced the agent before.  The enjoyment in this episode comes more from watching the Deep Space Nine crew integrate with the Enterprise crew so easily, it really is a very technical episode and somehow they pulled it off superbly. The crew end up in a punch up with Scotty, who they mistake for Kirk starting out and it’s fascinating and funny. There are so many special touches in this episode that are worth writing about but I would be here all day. My favourite moments are Captain Sisko visiting Kirk on the bridge and eventually the promenade been overrun by Tribbles. Great episode, and one you can keep rewatching it without becoming bored.

Season 6. One Little Ship, 18th February 1998.

This is a little summary for an episode I really enjoyed. A runabout shrinks in size as they enter an anomaly, the only problem is the Defiant is attacked by the Jem’Hadar at the same time. The U.S.S Rubicon runabout must enter the Defiant and help the crew take the ship back. I’m a huge fan of the series, Land of the Giants and this episode made me realise just how much. There is nothing new here but its a really fun and enjoyable episode.

Shadows and Symbols, Image in the Sand and  Far Beyond the Stars. 7th October 1998.

Okay, I cheated a little, but I actually think this trio of episodes belong together and is by far one of the reasons I love Deep Space Nine and definitely confirms to me that this series is by far the most ambitious of all the Treks we have had before, or after. I mentioned earlier that I had bought the VHS of this series and Far Beyond the Stars was the reason why! Back then I got my information by a magazine and had seen some photos from this episode and was blown away. When I finally watched the episode, I was not disappointed and think its best and most powerful bit of television I have ever watched. Avery Brook’s is a great actor and I think it was only fitting he could get his acting chops around a story that is as powerful as this, his portrayal of Benny Russell is a thing of beauty. Benny Russell is a 50s science-fiction writer who writes a story about a black man commands a space station and can’t let the story go, regardless of the prejudice he comes up against. Benny works for the magazine Incredible Tales, and in this 1950s scenario, all the characters from Deep Space Nine are all there taking up some amazing roles. I really don’t think I have the writing skills to do this storyline justice enough, all I can say is that its a really important part of storytelling in today’s society. I also really love how Benny comes back and plays an important role in Sisko’s journey with the prophets. I just love everything about it. One picture that always catches my imagination is the picture of the space station for the magazine.

I enjoyed going back to this series quite a lot and Deep Space Nine is definitely back in the headlines again with the release of What We Left Behind and I can’t wait to watch it. I even hear that some of the writers for the show outline what an episode of series 8 would look like on screen. I also realise that movies, tv shows and other forms of media can change through time and becomes something much bigger and this series is becoming that right now and that can only be a good thing. Could we ever see a new series of DS9, I very much doubt it, but I can always dream. Anyway, what are your favourite episodes from Deep Space Nine? I would love to hear them?

          It’s hard for me to recognise that Star Trek Deep Space Nine is over 26 years old.

[bisymmetra]

i. title: détente

ii. fandom: overwatch

iii. characters/ships: jack morrison, ; gen, background ships, might be reaper76 if i make this a thing but rn it’s shipless

iv. warnings: uh, discussion of ptsd/panic attacks/nightmares, but like vaguely? like nothing triggery really but if youre sensitive, brief mention of alcohol, more specific champagne and the pop of it setting off a panic attack

v. tags: dogs, im using forty nine for jack’s age bc the timeline’s all over and i put 45 - 55 in a rng and got forty nine, angela ziegler has #connections, this is five pages and just short of 2k words wtf, tenatively, bonnie the dog, therapy dog, this is jack centered tbh but if i write more hana’s getting a cat, idk if i truly like this

vi. summary: “Uh,” Jack says, the stumble coming out before he can stop it. “That’s a dog.”

“It sure is,” Angela says agreeably, depositing it in his arms and sipping her coffee. “Merry Christmas.”

“It’s June,” he deadpanned, as the wriggling little thing laps at his visor.

vii. notes: i wrote this in an hour and i dont know if i truly like it but bonnie the dog is a thing now. i literally just listened to alberta by eric clapton while writing this. will be on ao3 in half an hour. @snowsheba​ saw these hcs that inspired this first. 

It’s four in the morning the first time he tells Angela about the dreams.

Nightmares, really. The kind that leave him grasping at catching his breath, the sweat on his brow chilly wet and clingy in the Spanish night. The kind that leaves your heart thrumming in his ears. He doesn’t - he doesn’t think this is anything important, really. It should be expected, really. He’s old, now, and he’s been military for forty damn years. He’s seen some shit.

Most people who got up real early to find him already awake didn’t question it - dreams of their own, he guessed, or maybe just expecting career military to be up at the crack of dawn. And they weren’t wholly wrong - years on a farm and years in the military have him waking up earlier than most the base, on the nights where he doesn’t wake up around two or three.

It’s the fourth time that Angela’s woken up at three in the morning to find him awake. The kitchen. this time. The practice range twice before, and once in between that in one of the commons, a book on his lap. (He didn’t much like being there, on one of those nights, but he’d had a nightmare about an incident in Kuwait, and the walls of the room had been suffocating. Hana had also been sitting there, playing some vintage game in the low light. He figured they were there for similar reasons, and didn’t say a word for hours.)

“Jack,” Angela said. The clock on the wall is a bright, neon blue 3:49 AM. Jack, to his credit, manages to look up from his coffee and at her. In the fluorescent kitchen light, her dark circles look more prominent, the mess of her hair tied in a loose not. She has a bottle of water in her hand. She looks exhausted. Momentarily, he wonders how much sleep she’s getting, then feels like a hypocrite.

“Angela,” he musters, swallowing. “Lovely morning.”

“The sun won’t be up for another few hours,” she said. “Why are you up?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” he says, which - it isn’t a lie, really. He couldn’t get back to sleep, after tonight.

“Doesn’t seem like you ever do,” she says, sliding down across from him. “That’s not good for your health.”

“I get a few hours,” he says. Three and a half, tonight. “Could be worse.”

“Jack,” she admonishes. “This isn’t - have you been dreaming?”

“Most people do sometimes,” he says, which - technically correct, but not what she’s asking. There is a beat, which is mostly filled with Angela frowning deeply at him and Jack staring at his coffee. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

Except it doesn’t really work, because Angela is phenomenal at seeing through bullshit, and this isn’t the first accident she’s seen. (There was once, with a bottle of champagne, and the noise and laughing sounds like screaming so easily and. Jack had excused himself, mumbling, hands shaking. Angela had followed when everyone was distracted. Angela knows. How could he think he could win at lying to her?)

“There are people who can help with - everything,” she says. “I know a few that are - they’re good.” Jack fixates on everything but Angela’s face, feeling naked without the visor. He instead stares at where her neck meets her shoulder, the marks Fareeha had left. There’s a stain on her shirt’s collar, of what’s chocolate, coffee, or blood. It’s dried brown, almost reddish brown in the light. Out the window, the Gibraltar night is interrupted with crickets.

He wonders what Angela dreams of. People she couldn’t save, his mind fills in. Genji’s corpse-body, when they first brought him in. People she can’t save. Gunshots.

Jack sighs. It’s a gesture that makes him feel older than he is.

“They’re just bad dreams,” he says, voice low and deep. It feels like a confession. “Omnic Crisis. Overwatch. Old things. I’m an old man, Angela, it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong just because it keeps me up.”

“You’re not that old, compared to the average,” she muses absently. “You’re only forty nine.”

“Fifty in a few weeks,” he said, hoping for a diversion. “I’m not a young man anymore, anyway. And I can’t really see a therapist, if that’s what you’re suggesting.”

“Why not?”

“I’m legally dead, remember?” Angela nods, clearly contemplative. He closes his eyes. “‘s just dreams, either way. Doesn’t matter a bit.”

There’s a long pause. Angela rises from her seat. “Good night, Jack,” she murmurs.

For days, he waits to see if Angela brings it up again, or tells someone, or something. He’s worried about it.

It’s just dreams, and anxiety and - it doesn’t matter. He just doesn’t want people to look at him differently. But no one does and Angela doesn’t say anything. It’s almost as if their early morning conversation is forgotten.

It’s been nine days when he first realizes Angela didn’t forget at all. He’s sitting in a common room, talked into joining most of the other agents. People are mostly in their own groups. Hana and Genji are playing some Mario Kart thing, the engineers at a table discussing - schematics, he thinks, but he’d heard the words Pop Tarts and doubted himself - Jesse and Hanzo and Fareeha talking in soft voices. Lena, Reinhardt and Ana at a table, Wid- Amelie, he corrects himself - Amelie joining them. Sombra and Lucio at a table hollering about the game Hana and Genji are playing. Who had cajoled two thirds of their ex Talon agents and how is lost on him, but he’s almost glad Gabriel wasn’t here, even knowing - this is a talk for another day. Jack is at one of the old, worn seats, an old book in his lap.

“Jack!” Angela’s voice comes in from the hall, and most look up as she pushes the door open with her hip. It takes only a moment to discern why: in one hand is a mug of what is definitely coffee, and the other is a -

“I got you a present, you’re welcome,” Angela says.

“Uh,” Jack says, the stumble coming out before he can stop it. “That’s a dog.”

“It sure is,” Angela says agreeably, depositing it in his arms and sipping her coffee. “Merry Christmas.”

“It’s June,” he deadpanned, as the wriggling little thing laps at his visor.

“Happy early birthday,” she replies. “You turn fifty in two weeks. There.”

The puppy - which, relatively, is pretty big, a St Bernard if he had to guess - laps at his cheek next. “This is a dog,” he repeats. “Where did you get this?”

“Her,” Angela corrects. “She flunked out of being a therapy dog because she liked to lick strangers or something along those lines. She needed a home. Dogs, I’ve been told, lower stress. You’re going to give yourself a stroke or a heart attack at this rate.”

In that moment, he realizes this is about what they discussed but Angela doesn’t want to say it in public. He can appreciate that much. “Can we even keep a-”

Lena is by his side, scooping her up in a second. Her, the dog, not Angela. “Why are you protesting? It’s a dog! Accept it and move on.” The dog licks Lena’s face delightedly, and everyone resumes talking over each other about - well. Jack rises, giving Angela a look. She just grins back, satisfied.

“Fine,” he acquiesces. Arguing isn’t going to do much, anyway. Angela’d kill him if he tried to return her, anyway, even if he hasn’t had a dog since he was a teenager. His family had kept hunting and herding dogs, all of which loved his mother more than anything. She gave them the most scraps. Lena shoves the bundle of fur back into his arms after one last lick, and he stares at her as she returns to licking his face. Her, the dog, that is. Not Lena.

The dog follows him around all the time. When he sits, she sits on his feet, gets comfortable. Angela tells him she’s a six month St. Bernard. They called her Nessie in training, but she never learned the name and really, it just makes him think of conspiracy theories. (Dimly, he remembers Reinhardt rambling about - he really wants to say Bigfoot, but the memory is twenty five years old.)

He mostly just calls her Dog, which outrages an alarming amount of people. Expectedly, Ana, Lena, and Angela are most fond of Dog. Unexpectedly, he’s caught Hanzo giving her scraps four times in three days. When he enters a room that Hanzo and Bonnie are already in, she’s in his lap and he looks like a deer in the headlights. (It’s actually really fucking funny.)

He sets her on the floor before bed, but she’s always curled up next to him when he awakens, like a really furry pillow.

It takes five days for him to really get used to the idea she could provide actual help.

It’s - another bad dream, because of course it is. Jack gasps for breath, kicks off the blanket, brow slick cool with sweat. His heart pounds in his ears. Him kicking the blankets must of woke the Dog, as she bounces up, presses next to him.

She shoves her head and back against his hands, in a way that would be petting if it was his hands moving, not her body. She licks his face tentatively, as if seeing if that helps. Jack can feel his heart start to slow, faster than his normal calm down times. He moves his hands, callouses running against soft fur. Dog takes this as encouragement, licks him more excitedly. Jack closes his eyes.

Normally, he’d get up. He wouldn’t be back asleep regardless, so he may as well get up. But Dog settles in next to him, and petting her evens him out, makes it easier to settle. He lets himself be lulled to sleep.

In the morning, he names her Bonnie. It seems fitting, somehow. She seems like a Bonnie. He’ll talk to Angela about a collar, soon.

In the meantime, he sits down at the cafeteria table, Bonnie by his feet, and pretend he doesn’t see no less than five people feeding her scraps.

He goes on a day long mission on July 3rd. His birthday’s the next day (he’s getting old, he thinks). It’s a short thing, mission wise. Fifteen hours securing a payload in the heart of London and back.

He’s with Lucio, D.Va, Genji, Mei, and Sombra for it, all these young kids making him feel much older than he is. (Mei, Genji, and Sombra are all in their thirties, he remembers. But he’s fifty tomorrow. They’re kids to him, anyway. They all have much more.. zest than he does.)

He gets back late, and he’s a little sad to not have Bonnie at the door when he enters the room. He discards his jacket to the desk and changes fast, glancing at the bed to locate his dog. She’s sleeping in her exact normal spot, with an approximately Jack sized spot next to her. Jack slides in next to her, and she shifts awake, moving to press into him. She licks his face hello, and he calms her by petting her back for a few minutes.

He breathes easy, relaxed. After a few, he glances at the clock. 12:02.

“Happy birthday,” he hums warmly, closing his eyes.

He sleeps well that night.

now on ao3!

[raikim4never]

#as emelie faces zero consequences using the peacock she's more likely to utilize it in a way she didn't in the last timeline #last timeline she faced real problems. had to come to terms with her own eventual death. got to see action and reaction in process #in this timeline there was no consequences. so why shouldn't she make this as 'perfect' as possible? #before gabriel got his memories of the last timeline back he was actually pretty against her being weird abt adrien but eventually just #let her do whatever lmao. he was like. alright fine if it makes you happy dear #sure you can rearrange his genome so he cant catch chicken pox again whatver #as a result when things dont fit her delusions she gets upset moody or aggressive

dad villain au: did emilie just. not consider at all that adrien was literally dying at the time. wow

she's in the habit of deciding when Adrien's suffering is acceptable, and if it is, she'll just fix it later.