#been thinking All Fucking Day about how the four sword and its elements represents a balance between light and dark.

[fourswords]

someone mentions the four sword around me and i start vibrating out of my skin with my ideas concerning it

[adamarks]

What’s with the scarf: yet another snowbaz meta

aka the long-awaited and much-anticipated knight/dragon dichotomy meta. 

Wanna know that the fuck was up with that scene where simon caught baz’s scarf? Welcome, you’ve found your new home. Let’s go.

Guess who’s back. Back again.

It’s me, bitch. Now here with their 5th goddamn essay on these goddamn books. Somebody stop me I’m a fiend. 

For this one i really do suggest you read my simon is a dragon meta, but if you don’t have time just look at this tweet. 

Now that we have that out of the way. Let’s get started. 

Point One: The Knight

I know what you’re saying, “what? I thought this was about the goddamn scarf? What’s this shit about knights stop.” I tricked you, fucker. The scarf isn’t until the end. (You save the best for last.) 

Simon Snow is the knight in shining armor of the world of mages. He’s given a sword and pointed in a direction and off he marches. He’s the secret weapon. He’s the bomb. He’s the one that came to save us. He’s the one that came to end us all. The poetry of Carry On is that he was the dragon he was meant to slay, and he gave up his “knighthood” (powers) to defeat himself. 

It’s true that Simon gave up his powers, but did he give up his knighthood? In title and in practice, yes, but he still acts the part. Let’s investigate the defining feature of knights: The Code of Chivalry.

To quote this website that words it perfectly: 

“ A Code of Chivalry was documented in an epic poem called 'The Song of Roland'. [...]   Roland was a loyal defender of his liege Lord Charlemagne and his code of conduct became understood as a code of chivalry.”

From The Song of Roland came a listing of chivalrous traits that all knights should strive to have. They are as follows:

To fear God and maintain His Church

To serve the liege lord in valour and faith

To protect the weak and defenceless

To give succour to widows and orphans

To refrain from the wanton giving of offence

To live by honour and for glory

To despise pecuniary reward

To fight for the welfare of all

To obey those placed in authority

To guard the honour of fellow knights

To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit

To keep faith

At all times to speak the truth

To persevere to the end in any enterprise begun

To respect the honour of women

Never to refuse a challenge from an equal

Never to turn the back upon a foe

This is Simon to such a T that it’s a little bit alarming. Wayward Son is Simon’s struggle to reintroduce himself into civilian life after being a “boy soldier” since he was eleven. He’s a knight whose sword has been taken, armor melted down, and purpose rescinded. 

A knight can’t be a knight when the king’s been killed. Who, then, does he serve? Who, then, does he protect?

Simon has lost his purpose, his meaning. He has these traits that he doesn’t know how to funnel into something else. He’s a chess piece that’s utterly worthless. 

Not only does he feel purposeless, but he also hates an entire side of himself. and that leads us to our next point:

Point Two: The Dragon

Simon Snow was the villain of his own story.

He was his own dragon to his own knight. His own worst enemy. The main conflict of this story is a man vs. himself type. Simon hates an entire part of himself. He doesn’t just hate it, he vehemently denies its existence. 

“I’m not a DRAGON!” (Wayward Son, Chapter 35)

Of course, if you’ve read my wings meta you’ll know that not only is this him denying part of himself, but also his sexuality. And his love for Baz. But Rainbow writes layers upon layers into this delicious parfait, and Simon’s dragon-ness isn’t limited to being his sexuality. This is literature, after all. 

The knight needs to accept the dragon. Simon needs to accept the person that his trauma has turned him into. If you’ve been through any major trauma, you’ll know that you’re different afterwards. You’re still you. All of the most important parts are there- you did make it out alive- but you’re a little bit different. 

You’re more careful. You’re more anxious. You guard your heart just a little more fiercely. You don’t want to let people in quite so easily anymore. 

What is a dragon’s purpose in a narrative? To protect. To guard. To keep out. To keep in. 

The dragon is those behaviors that we learned to protect ourselves in those times of hurt, and while, yes, we need to unlearn some of those behaviors, certain ones may never leave. Once you figure out how to read micro-expressions on an abuser, you can’t just unlearn how to read a face like a book. The issue is figuring out how to manage those habits. How to keep them from hurting others that aren’t going to hurt us. How to... train... our dragons... (I’m sorry it’s my favorite movie.)

So, the dragon is simon’s shadow self and the knight is his light self, yes? Yes. But! Let’s put a magnifying glass up to these two concepts. 

If a dragon’s narrative purpose is to guard, protect, keep out/in, and be defeated, then what’s a knight’s narrative purpose? A knight’s purpose is to guard, protect, save, and defeat. 

These two concepts aren’t wildly different, they’re two sides of the same coin. Simon needs to stop seeing these two sides of him as enemies and instead recognize that they’re good and bad in equal measures. The dragon questions potential dangers; the knight helps all out of the goodness of his heart. The knight obeys blindly; the dragon knows to obey himself first. The knight is selfless in all things; the dragon is selfish and greedy. There are pros and cons to both archetypes. 

But fire and steel? The monster and the hero? How do you reconcile these two concepts? How do they fit into one person?

Well, the answer surprised me too. 

Point Three: Tarot?

I know, I know. Stick with me. I’ll explain. 

In every tarot deck there are the major arcana (unimportant for this meta) and, just like in a regular playing card deck, four suits. Each suit has a king, queen, knight, and page (also like a regular card deck). Each suit relates to an element: pentacles = earth, swords = air, wands = fire, and cups = water. 

We’re going to be looking at the knight of wands. 

He is a knight of fire and passion and spark. He is headstrong, impulsive, and reckless. This card is Simon in his entirety. To drive home my point, let me quote from the guidebook to The Enchanted Tarot by Amy Zerner & Monte Farber:

“The dark [Knight] of Wands rides into view upon his great, plumed charger, carrying a fire-tipped wand. Behind him the gray, dusky clouds swirl like smoke, against which his figure glows like red embers. His journey is carrying him into the unknown but he is a pioneer and filled with energy and excitement. He likes to take risks. An active, unpredictable and competitive disposition drives him forward. He radiates a very masculine energy, full of creativity and passion. His youth, however, sometimes impels him to be quarrelsome or overbearing if he feels his authority and leadership are in question. Somewhat self-centered, he is likely to think he knows a good deal more than he does...”

The knight of wands embodies both that regal nature of a knight and fiery passion of a dragon. Simon needs to stop thinking that these two sides of him are incompatible or that one is lesser. Simon is Simon and he is worthy to be called a knight, even with all of his dragon parts. 

Point Four: Courtly Love 

or maybe not so courtly?

Courtly love was a concept in the knight’s code of chivalry where a knight would pick a fair maiden from a higher status and dedicate all of his great deeds to her honor. Because the catholic church had a tight grip on everyone’s balls, though, this love was not sexualized. Well... it wasn’t supposed to be but we all know how that shit works. 

Agatha was supposed to be the “endgame.” She was Simon’s courtly love. His fair maiden to which he dedicated all of his noble deeds. 

But Agatha didn’t want to be a fair maiden anymore. 

And Simon didn’t love her. 

And then there was Baz’s hankie. 

In most Courtly Love relationships, there was a token bestowed upon the knight by the lady as a symbol of gratitude and affection. This token was, most often, a kerchief. 

I think we alllll remember that goddamn handkerchief. I remember that handkerchief. That handkerchief haunts my dreams.

Simon keeps that goddamn handkerchief in his drawer after he takes it from Agatha. He doesn’t even give it back. He so desperately wants to have this token of Baz’s love. His approval. His friendship. He wants something of Baz’s because he feels like he can’t have Baz himself. Baz is his real unreachable maiden. Baz is the one Simon doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for.

But more importantly, this brings us to the most important point of this meta:

Point Five: The Scarf

“The Mustang sounds like a bat on its way out of hell. And Simon is its getaway driver. Fourth gear on a gravel road, his blue eyes narrowed to slits. My mother’s scarf catches the wind and slips off my head. Snow whips out his hand to rescue it. He glances over at me, for just a second, holding it like a banner.”  (Wayward Son, Chapter 25)

I know I literally screamed the first time i read that. Simon is a knight saving his lady’s favor. 

But it’s not just that the scarf is a favor. Simon always gives it back. You don’t return a lady’s favor. 

“‘Oh, hey,’ he says like he’s just remembered something. He leans back to reach in his pocket, and takes out a wad of blue silk. 

‘That’s my mother’s scarf!’ I reach for it.

He opens his hand. The scarf threads through his fingers as I pull it away. ‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘I forgot it was in my pocket.’

‘I thought I left it in the hotel room.’

‘You did.’

I fold the scarf, gently. Snow watches for a moment, then looks away.”

(Wayward Son, Prologue)

Now, @theflyingpeach (hi bri) pointed out to me that the scarf probably represents Baz’s humanity, what with it being his mother’s and him leaving it at the hotel. And yeah she’s right you can read it as that. (and it’s quite compelling) But that’s another meta for another day.

Today we’re on that good knight shit.

That scarf is Simon’s heart. 

Baz says he always travels with it. He gently uses it to protect himself against the wind. Simon thinks he’s gorgeous when he wears it. Baz keeps thinking he’s lost it...

but he hasn’t. 

He’ll never lose it, as long as Simon’s around.

Go back up and read those excerpts and tell me you don’t want to burst into tears. 

Simon keeps returning his heart to Baz. “I’m broken. I’m bruised,” Simon whispers. “I’m a knight with no sword. I’m a dragon with no hoard. I only have this one last thing to protect, but instead I give it to you. I’d give it to you again, and again, and again. It’s yours forever. Even though I think you don’t want it, it’s yours until you explicitly tell me to take it back. My love is yours for however long you want it, Baz.” 

The handkerchief in Carry On also translates into being Simon’s heart. 

“I go to the drawer where the handkerchief is shoved in with my wand and a few other things, then I wave it in his face. ‘This one.’

Baz pulls the fabric out of my hand, and I pull it back because I don’t want him to have it. I don’t want him to have anything right now.” (Carry On, Chapter 50)

Simon wasn’t ready to give Baz his heart yet in Carry On, but it was still Baz’s. It still had his family crest embroidered right into the material. Simon’s heart has always been Baz’s and Baz’s alone. It’s just that now, he freely gives it. He freely returns it. 

“I’m yours, Baz. I’m yours.”

A knight could not go against his code and cross that barrier to be with his lady. 

But a dragon is selfish. A dragon can ask for what it wants.

And all Simon wants is Baz.

And Baz is just waiting for him to ask.

Thank you for reading yet again! I dedicate this to bri because without her the scarf thing would’ve never dawned on me. Also she kept bitching at me to write this. 

 Check out the mirror meta and food meta while you’re at it.

time for the tagging peeps

@singerofsimplesongs @carryonsimoncarryonbaz @krisrix @pastel-pink-death @lowcalcalzones @godmcfuckindammit @fight-surrender @simonsnoww @rareandbeautifulthing @neck-mole @basic-banshee (i know you’re not super into these but you had an anon about it) @birdybabybird @whitefire17draws @teaandinanity @watfordwallflower @carrybits @slaying-fictional-dragons 

[ridleymocki]

But I Was Rapt, Without A Name

Written for Pynch Week 17, Day 6. Prompt:  Fireflies // Language // Elements

Summary: There are some things about Adam Parrish that are still mysterious, even to his boyfriend. The way he can look at a mass of cards and find some sort of deeper meaning is among those things. Ronan's happy to learn, though.A cute hang out fic featuring guest appearances from the Gangsey, and entirely too much coffee drinking.

Notes: Guuuuuys, I’m really starting to feel the strain of this challenge, this was so goddamn hard. But when I think of ‘Elements’ I think of tarot cards, and how reading TRC actually finally made me study them and how to read with them, after years of idle fascination. Add the need for some actual plot and you get patient tutor Adam with hopelessly in love and attentive Ronan. Title is from 'Sirensong' by The Cure, which is an awesome freaking song and an awesome band, honestly.Thank you a whole great big awful lot for reading! And I hope you enjoy it <3

also on ao3

“You bring those everywhere with you now, Parrish?” Ronan stepped onto the back porch and smiled down at Adam where he sat, legs crossed on the wooden decking. Around him were cards. Lots of them. It wasn’t quite the multi-deck spread that could take over a whole table at 300 Fox Way, but it was complex in a way Ronan couldn’t understand, arcing around where Adam sat.

 “Yeah, pretty much” Adam said. He returned Ronan’s smile, so at least he knew he wasn’t intruding. “They help. It’s like free therapy.”

 Ronan quirked a brow and dropped down to sit next to him, handing over a coffee cup, its steam catching the yellow light from inside. “Sounds weird.”

They heard Blue yell out from inside the house, “Hey losers! You watching with us or what?” Adam snorted and shook his head.

 “No,” Ronan called back. “Don’t do anything gross on my couch!” And quieter he grumbled, “they probably will now, damn it.”

 Adam chuckled lowly, “You gave them ideas. Rookie mistake.”

 After Ronan had updated the living room to include an obnoxiously large television and home cinema system, and after the threesome of ambiguous relationship that was Blue, Gansey, and Henry had returned from South America, movie night inexplicably became a regular occurrence. They’d been watching the same show for four hours – some quirky sci fi thing that made Gansey happy because it was set in Wales, and made Blue happy because it had a female lead – but Adam had ducked out twenty minutes ago, and with him went half of Ronan’s interest.

 “So how’s this supposed to therapise you?” Ronan nudged his chin at the cards spread before them. He could see Adam physically bite back the that’s not a word, and smirked.

 “Do you really want to know?” Adam said, and Ronan nodded, immediately giving him his full attention. Adam was sometimes reluctant to go on about things that genuinely interested him, worried that it gave other people too much power. He preferred deep conversations on topics from which he was personally detached, because then at least if someone disagreed, it didn’t feel like rejection. But Ronan had been sure to show him from day one of their relationship that he didn’t have to worry about that, here. Adam gave him a small smile. “Well, tarot cards don’t always show the future. They show you possibilities. You ask them a question and they give you one possible answer. It’s when you analyse the answers the cards give you, and how they fit with you and how you react to them, that you get insight. So like–“ he reached out and tapped a card at the top, at the far edge of the spread– “the Three of Cups. I asked what I needed to focus on and this is what they said.”

 Ronan leaned over and looked at the card. Three women in long dresses seemed to circle around each other, each had a goblet in her hand that was raised joyously above their heads as though making a toast. “They want you to focus on getting drunk?”

 Adam punched him lightly in the shoulder. “Asshole,” he said to Ronan’s grin. “Look, to me anyway, it’s referring to stuff like tonight, with everyone here.” He looked at Ronan uncertainly, but was encouraged by whatever he found in his face. “There are hundreds of interpretations of every card. For a lot of people they’re as subjective as Rorschach paintings. But for me the Three of Cups has always been about the three women being friends, you know? They’re together, they’re in harmony. And they’re happy. They’ve reached a point where things are good and they can celebrate. So I see it and I think of all of us here, of how good things are. So I should focus on that, on friends and hanging out together. I agree with that card being there because it feels true, for me. But maybe I wouldn’t have made that conscious choice unless I did the reading.”

 Ronan nodded, but honestly he was surprised. “That’s a hell of a lot more rational than the way the witches do it.”

 Adam grimaced. “Yeah well, they’ve got a better connection to time than I have. When they get an answer it’s definite. But with Cabeswater gone it’s harder for me to do it like that.”

 “So you’re just going to be a nerd about it instead?” He nudged Adam’s shoulder, going for levity to get that sad little frown off his face. Cabeswater’s absence was something they all felt. Ronan was working on it. Gratifyingly, Adam stuck his tongue out at him, and laughed into his coffee cup.

 “You wouldn’t think it, but yeah.” He said eventually. “You can actually nerd out about this stuff. Tarot is… complicated. Systematic.”

 “Yeah?”

 “Mhmm. I mean, look.” He pointed to a card labelled ‘The Fool’. “This is the first card in the deck, but it’s an outlier, that’s why it’s marked with a zero. From there you get the twenty-one majors. They show what the Fool has to go through and deal with in life, the kind of stuff everyone has to deal with; fear, imbalance, moral principles. Tarot is a universal narrative, that way. Then you have four suits, all with their own meanings and elements, all with ten pip cards and four court cards. The Aces are the pure energy of the element of that suit, the rest of the pips are different possibilities, and the courts are like characterisations for how those elements work.” Adam turned to check he was still listening, and caught Ronan looking at him heavily.

 Ronan listened alright, thought that if he were in a room crowded with raucous people and Adam began to talk, he’d still hear it. But he loved Adam like this, loved his brain and the way it worked to push him ever forward and above everyone else. When Adam let him have a glimpse inside his mind, it was only understandable that Ronan would take a long look. The way his eyes sparked with knowledge pulled at him more than Ronan could explain.

 Adam raised a judgemental brow at him, smirking, and Ronan cleared his throat. “Elements?”

 Adam frowned for a moment before recalling what he’d been saying. “Oh. Yeah. Wands are fire, and represent creativity–“ he pointed to a card, then another, each one featuring the symbol he explained– “Swords are air, and represent the intellect, rationality. Cups are water, they’re about emotions; how you contain them or how they overflow. And pentacles, or coins, they’re earth. That’s about resources, usually material ones.”

 “Right, okay. And that all makes sense? When you do a reading like this?” he gestured to the general sprawl of cards before them, probably half the deck laid out on the wood.

 “More or less.”

 Ronan hummed, and drank his coffee, aware that Adam was watching him, mouth turned up at the corners. He didn’t know why so many of their conversations felt like this; like resting something on the edge of a table and watching it teeter. They were always on the edge of something. “Am I anywhere down there?” He nodded to the spread.

 He’d meant it teasingly, but Adam suddenly looked a little nervous. He waved at a set of three cards at the lower right edge of the layout, set side by side. “Well, this is your bit.”

 “I get a whole bit? What about me don’t you know, Parrish?” He tore his gaze away from Adam’s face and actually inspected the cards. Ronan felt something unpleasant unfurl in his stomach when he saw what must have given Adam that look. The cards in the middle and on the right seemed unassuming enough. Blue skies in the background, just ordinary scenes. But on the far left–

 “The Devil?”

 Two nudes were chained to a post, demonic tails curling beside them. Above them sat a rotund, goat-horned demon, wings like a bat’s and an inverted pentagram upon his head. The background was black and the demon wielded a lit baton like a bludgeon.

 “Don’t freak out.” Adam rested his fingers against Ronan’s wrist, curling them against his vulnerable veins. “It’s not bad.”

 Ronan looked at him skeptically. “It fucking looks bad.”

 “No, okay. I laid out those three cards to mean past, present, and future. The Devil’s in the past–“

 “Great. So I only used to be Satan.” If he sounded childish he didn’t care. There were some nights he wondered about he and Adam, the intrusive whisper in his thoughts that Adam could do better, that Ronan was bad for him at best and downright corrosive at worst.

 “Fuck. No.” Adam scrubbed a hand through his hair. “The Devil isn’t literally the devil, or any devil. It’s just– It’s temptation... Pure freaking temptation.” He was avoiding Ronan’s eyes. On impulse, or maybe just intuition, Ronan reached out and passed the back of his finger down Adam’s cheek. Adam startled, turning to him in confusion, but not quick enough. His cheek was hot. “I wanted you for a long time,” Adam said lowly, after a moment. “Even when I didn’t realise. And then when I thought it was dangerous for me.”

 Ronan didn’t know what to do with that, the words ‘a long time’ rang again and again in his head and he wanted to throw something. “What changed?” Because something had to have changed.

 Adam shrugged. “Eventually I knew better.” He smiled when Ronan just raised a brow, uncomprehending. “You’re an asshole, but you’re good for me. I like being with you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

 When Ronan had stepped out the back door earlier and joined Adam out here, he hadn’t been counting on this. He would’ve been happy to lie down nearby and hear the buzz of summer’s insects, leaving Adam to do his thing. Now that he’d heard those words pass Adam’s lips, he couldn’t go back. The sense that he was on borrowed time evaporated, the future spreading out instead.

 As he stared, struck dumb, Adam’s smile grew wide and he leaned forward to press their foreheads together. Ronan let out a long breath. “Fucking hell.” Adam just hummed.

 “Do you want to know the rest?” Adam asked after a minute. Ronan nodded, and Adam kissed him softly for a moment before pulling away and downing the rest of his coffee, long since cold.

“Alright, so in the past I was lusting after you, or whatever.” He looked infinitely pleased at Ronan’s helpless laugh. “In the present, you’re the Two of Cups.” This card looked markedly more pleasant. Two people stood opposite one another beneath a lion’s head with wings, and clinked their goblets together. It looked like a bright day, blue sky and vivid colours. “This basically means that you’ve made a connection with someone complimentary to you. Me, I would assume. It’s the card of a good beginning, a good relationship.”

 “Are you sure that one bit cardboard is telling you that?” Ronan teased.

 “Hey, that’s just what it means. If I happen to agree that’s neither here nor there.” He reached and ran his hand up and down Ronan’s thigh, a touch just for the sake of touching. “And this one, in the future spot: Temperance. I don’t know if it’s about you or about us but Temperance is all about balance. It means that you’ll get what you need but it won’t be spoiled by being too little or too much. It’s a healthy card, peaceful. That’s what you have to look forward to.”

 “Huh,” Ronan was a little surprised. “That’s oddly optimistic.”

 “Like I said,” Adam leaned into him, “the cards just show you a possibility. If you decide you like it, it’s your sign to head towards it.”

 Ronan scoffed derisively, and shifted to loop his arm around Adam’s shoulder. Even in the still warm summer night, it was comfortable. “I could have told you I wanted this to go well even without the damn cards.”

 Adam smiled. “I know. Still, it’s nice to turn over a good card and realise for yourself how much you really want it.”

 Ronan didn’t say anything. It had only been a few months, but he’d bet good money on what they had. Or at least, on how far he was willing to go to keep it as good as it had been so far. There was something enduringly right in being with Adam, and every hint he got that Adam felt the same was a clarion call to keep going. It would get difficult, of course, when Adam went away for college or when their interests pulled them in different directions. And they still had to deal with the issue of Ronan’s dreaming and what to do about their burnt up magic forest. But in the middle of it they were good. The fact that Adam had even set out a card for the future, and indirectly shown he counted on having one that included Ronan, was big enough that as they lapsed into silence, Ronan felt uncommon contentment well in his chest and settle there.

 “Are you doing gross things on the porch!?” Henry suddenly yelled out, shattering the silence, and poked his head out the living room window. “We’re going to start a game of Twister, you want in?”

 “Fuck no,” Adam called back immediately, making Ronan laugh. Henry grinned wide at him, then seemed to take in their current position – Adam’s hand on his thigh, Ronan’s arm curled around him – and his smile grew softer before he ducked back into the house.

 Ronan turned his head and pressed a kiss to his hair, his hand finding Adam’s and linking their fingers.

 The back door burst open and Blue crooked her head cheerily around the frame. “Come on, assholes. You had all summer to be all over each other, come hang out.”

 “In a minute,” Adam said airily, and Blue made a disgusted noise at them, rolled her eyes and went back into the house.

 Faintly they could hear her say, “They’re too busy sucking face and sighing. Dammit Gansey! Left foot on red!”

 “I don’t even have to say anything now,” Ronan said quietly. “You’re sending everyone away before I can.”

 Adam sighed. “We should go in. They just got back. But I don’t want to, yet.”

 Ronan rubbed his hand up and down Adam’s arm. “Then what do you want?”

 Adam sat up and looked him, his gaze dark and sparking, and Ronan had to resist the urge to swallow down his want. In a second, his empty coffee cup was being gently taken out of his hand and set aside. Ronan barely had time to look up before Adam’s lips were on his.

 This wasn’t the kiss of familiarity he’d gotten just before. This was hungry. This was a you feel too good not to touch kiss. A stay close to me kiss. An I’m not going anywhere kind of kiss. Adam’s ridiculous hands came up to cradle his face, like he needed to feel him under his palms to know this was real. Ronan wrapped his arms around him and pulled Adam close, and they fell back to lie on the wood, Adam sprawled over him as their mouths worked.

 Time must have passed but Ronan couldn’t have said how. When they parted, lips red and breaths heavy, Adam’s thumb was still running over his cheek, passing back and forth.

 Ronan cleared his throat. “So how often do you do tarot readings?”

 Adam began to laugh uncontrollably, shaking over him, and Ronan caught his face to bring their mouths together again.

 (They went back inside twenty minutes later with their cheeks red and hands clasped. Ronan carried their cups while Adam grasped the cards they’d eventually piled back together. Gansey looked at them fondly, even where he was contorted with Henry on the Twister mat. Blue threw a pillow at them, just so they knew she was happy for them.)