#been smashing these two together like barbies for months

[alymccart]

Happy Pride, y'all. *fingerguns*

[slendermankin]

I've gone several months without seeing a single post from you, and now you're back with a vengeance. Welcome back :D

Ive entered my Slender Madness era ❤

[the0retically]

The Suckening #11: Bloodbound:

What an episode I’m so—oof!!

- Grizz’s regular voice just talking is so strange

- A tick on Bebo’s balls??

- These intros are insane

- “So he was getting to the center of that tootsie pop!” CONDI??

- The music :)

- I forgot about taylor oh my god

- Oh now Taylor swift, Charlie is so done

- “How do you contribute?” “I don’t.” “What???”

- Willpower of 2?? The influencers please

- This is insanity, why is shilo joining in the vlogs?

- “Grefgore and Arthur just kill them” PLEASE??

- Shilo sending Grefgore to kill the guys with contracts oh my god

- Arthur just hating the influencers is so so funny

- “I want to go to the twins” “you keep mentioning these twins who are they?” “Do you want to come with” PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

- CHARLIE?? WHAT VOICE IS THAT

- He’s just Mickey Mouse??

- Station wagon 5??

- Charlie being like “yeah you’re on a bunch of cameras :)” scary

- Charlie please stop whimpering

- Wait Taylor isn’t an actual werewolf??

- OH WAIT NO HE IS he just wanted to be closer to Jacob please

- Love how they have Taylor on the team now

- “I’m the real Taylor Launter from movies and I’m gonna help you” PLEASE?

- Deacon?

- LAZARUS??????

- HUH?

- NO EDWARD NO NO NO NO NO NO

- Oh no he walks inside???

- God this is so bad

- “This is like the time I looked at the sky and everything went horrible” OH GOD

- These rolls are so bad today

- THEO

- …..somethings weird oh god yeah it’s been a month

- Oh :( he’s doing so well!

- ……is that Edwards theme right now?

- HES BEEN KILLING VAMPIRES?

- LETS GO THOUGH?? HES A BADASS I LOVE HIM!! HES UNITED THE DEMONS AND FANGS!!

- I love emizel and theo so much

- OH WAIT YEAH HE HAS HOLY WATER IN HIS WATER BOTTLE OH MY GOD

- :((( they’re gonna play smash together

- “On the moon?” “Is this still on the moon?” “The moon?” PLEASE THEO

- ……I feel like humans have the twilight phones too theo don’t kill humans please

- “The dangs” I love that

- ……….they don’t know what’s going on with shilo oh god

- …..he’s back in the Tiktok house?

- OH MY GOD ARTHUR IS SO WORRIED HES LIKE A PARENT OH MY GOD

- Any ghosts???

- SPIRITS TOUCH ON THE WRISTBAND!!! CHARLIE LOSING IT TOO OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT

- Oh FUCK shilo had the files AND Arthur got all successes on the spirit touch

- “And do everything we talked about” excuse me??

- God the Edward theme is so so good

- IS IT THE TWINS?

- WHAT NO NO NO TWO FIGURES LOOK LIKE EDWARD TWILIGHT

- WHAT???

- THERE IS JUST AN ARMY ON EDWARDS

- “He’s gonna turn the city of LA into Edward twilight” OH MY GOD

- “Who do we want to start with?” “Emizel”

- “It was tough out there being a baby mechanic” oh my god

- WEYLIN TWINS TIME!!!!!!!!!

- I LOVE THEMMMMMMM

- Love that they upped security

- :) hi vex

- ??????? A monitor?

- :(((( the twins are just on the monitor? Please!!

- I love them :)

- WHAT THE THINGS ARE FROM JEFFREY?? EMIZEL IS LIKE WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? OH MY GOD VIV AND VEX TRIED SO HARD TO BE SCARY AND IT JUST DIDNT WORK OUT??

- “I’m like a Barbie doll” WHAT???

- PLEASE GET THE WEYLINS ON YOUR SIDE

- “See you soon…emizel” “I know you knew my name” oh my god please

- I LOVE THE WEYLINS!!!!

- I love the banter between them and emizel it’s so fun

- They’re bonding over being twins!!

- EMIZEL???? WHY ARE YOU OFFERING THEM TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU

- ……….he wants them to be in different places for the party oh god emizel

- BUT THE WEYLINS ARE AGREEING I LOVE THIS

- :)))))) god I love the weylins

- Vex you’re so so cool

- I’d willingly let myself be experimented on by him I’m being so real

- Bizly trying to teach Condi how to do the accent is fun

- …magus :(

- “I saw her dirty blonde hair, the same as my mother” hmmm

- Who did magnus staked?

- The music is so good and peaceful

- “See you soon Sam? -Mr bennet” huh???

- Mary?? Oh my god she’s Bloody Mary

- Oh god Mary just fully attacked him

- Oh she’s so cute and fun I love her already

- This is so sad :( Mary

- Condi sounded so defeated when Mary said Edward called it the twilight zone

- ……..Arthur what do you mean you’d be pulled in to be with her

- That convo was so fun

- NO SHILO HE BOTCHED IT

- Oh fuck

- That was so sudden

- Deacon!!

- Love how angry shilo is that deacon lied to him

- And now shilo is being arrested

- BUT DEACONS PUTTING ON A SHOW!!

- Love how both shilo and emizel have the idea to switch spots

- …who just whispered help??

- God emizel is so fucking funny

- TWIN TIMES

- “As long as I don’t see them and think of my younger siblings” Arthur :(

- Let’s go!!! Grizz gets to meet them!

- ARTHUR CAN SET PEOPLE ON FIRE WITH HIS MIND????? EXCUSE ME

- Love how the twins just got kidnapped by breekon and hope

- VEX AND VIV!!!!!!! HI :)!!!!!!

- Charlie just being SO confused by Arthur knocking on the door is SO FUNNY OH MY GOD?

- Nicknames for each other!!

- THEY POSE FOR THEM TO GIVE THEM NICKNAMES THATS SO CUTE

- WIMBLEDON AND WAMBLEDON

- PLEASE THEYRE REACTIONS TO ARTHUR :((

- THEYRE GONNA FIX ARTHUR??

- Love how Grizz is just Giddy about this because me too

- GOD!! Love vex so much

- HES PLAYING THE CLIMB!!!!!!!!! YES!!!

- I love this scene so so much

- It’s so visceral but I love this so much

- Condi is popping off with the voice acting though holy shit

- NO CHARLIES LAUGH WHEN EMIZEL ASKED IF HE WAS MAKIKG CLONES OH GOD

- “It’s more of a live event” “Edward on ice?” “God I wish”

- Vex just sounds so tired and so confused oh my god

- this is so funny oh my god “what is this feeling? Disappointment??”

- THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION FOR HANNAH OR MILEY OH MY GOD

- PLEASE VIV WHAT????

- SHES SO FUNNY

- She’s very very interesting. She’s obviously not happy about working for Edward, hmm

- The music in the background here is amazing and fits the scene perfectly

- I never thought I’d love Arthur and Viv’s friendship that’s starting up

- :( he’s letting her choose how he looks :( that’s actually so sweet

- I like how viv’s work is warm and nice, while vex’s is just brutal, it’s interesting to see their differences in their work

- …..emizel and shilo sound like each other now

- ITS FORTNIGHT?? NO OK YEAH ITS THE TWILIGHT ZONE WAIT ITS THE HUNGER GAMES HUH????? HUH???? OH MY GOD

- SHILO IS GONNA BE IN THE GAME BECAUSE HES NOT RHE VIP ANYMORE

- Oh my god I—goodness

[fangirlprincess-writes]

Friends Don't Look At Friends That Way - Chapter 3: Age 15 and 3/4

cw: none

word count: 2.597

read on AO3 || masterlist

---

chapter summary: the one where they play spin the bottle

---

"The red or the green one?" Aelin asks, holding up two dresses. She is standing in front of the closet in her room, while Rowan is lounging on the bed behind her and scrolling through his phone. 

"Hmm… the red one," he says, not even looking up from whatever he's doing.

"You're not even looking!" She accuses, throwing her hands up, the dresses flying dramatically into opposite corners of the room.

"Come on Ace, you're going to a lunch with your parents, not the Met gala." Rowan is still not looking at her. 

Aelin crosses her arms. "Well, what's more important than this, then?" Her tone shows more of the hurt she feels than she'd like. It's ridiculous to feel this betrayed over Rowan's lack of interest in her dress, but she can't help it. Ever since he told her about his crush on Remelle a few months ago, he barely talks about anything else anymore. And he even managed to make Aelin promise to help him talk to the girl. She has since found out that she'd rather eat her own hair than listen to Rowan talk about how pretty or how interesting Remelle is. 

Rowan finally puts his phone down and looks at her. "I've been invited to this party and I was just texting a few people to find out who else would be there."

That makes Aelin's brows rise. "You've been invited to a party? By who?"

"Fenrys. He's on the lacrosse team with me."

"Oh. So is it a team party?"

"Nah, apparently it's only a few guys from the team, along with some of Fenrys's other friends. Plus a few of the cheerleaders."

Now Aelin knows what's up. "Let me guess: including Remelle?"

The tips of Rowan's ears turn pink. "Yes, including Remelle. I think this party could be the perfect opportunity for me to finally take the next step! Our talks in school have been going really great – thanks for all the tips by the way Ace – but I'm not sure she would be interested in being more than friends."

Aelin tries very hard not to let her face make a grimace, but she isn't entirely sure she's succeeding. Rowan doesn't seem to notice though, so apparently she's doing an okay-enough job. "So you're hoping to what – test the waters at this party?" She really wishes she was not having this conversation right now.

"Yes?" Rowan says, but it sounds more like a question. "I just… I like her, Ace. A lot. Like, I-hope-she'll-be-my-first-kiss levels."

Aelin thinks she needs to be sitting for this conversation, so she walks over to her vanity opposite the bed and sits on the white stool, facing Rowan on her bed. "That's amazing," she says weakly. 

Rowan raises an eyebrow. "What's up with you? You're acting kinda weird."

"Oh, nothing," her laugh comes out high and fake. "I just can't believe you got invited to a party before me." 

He seems to accept that and Aelin is relieved. How is she supposed to explain something she doesn't understand herself?

"Why don't you come with me then?" He says it suddenly, but she can already tell he loves the idea. "We'll go to our first high school party together and you can help me with Remelle."

"How am I supposed to help you kiss her? Do you want me to smash your heads together like two barbie dolls?" Yep, her voice is definitely shrill now. 

"Okay, maybe not for that then," Rowan backpedals. "But come on Ace, it'll be fun. And I don't want to go alone."

"I don't know, Rowan."

"Ple-ease?" He adds, drawing out the syllable into two and looking at her with what could only be described as puppy-dog eyes. He only uses those when he wants something really bad. 

Aelin sighs, knowing she can't say no to him now. "Fine," she relents. 

Rowan's answering cheer is deafening. 

The party is happening the following Saturday at some Lacrosse-players house. Aelin has never met the guy, but the neighborhood is not too far from her own so she's passed the house often. It's a nice, white, two-story building with a balcony that faces the driveway. There's a garden out of sight, judging by the chatter and music that can be heard. Aelin and Rowan walk up to the front door, the chilly January air making Aelin glad she chose to bring her winter jacket, even though it clashes with her outfit. There's a spring to Rowan's step she's never seen before. Aelin tries not to think about that too much. 

"So what do we do now? Do we knock?" Aelin doesn't know the proper protocol for parties. She's never been invited to one before, after all.

"No, I think we just go in?" Rowan says and tries the handle. It's unlocked and Aelin can see a few people crowding the hallway. She takes a deep breath and follows Rowan into the house.

There's a ton of people once they reach the living room. A few guys Aelin recognizes from the Lacrosse team are crowded on the light gray sectional, some of the cheerleaders from their grade sitting between them, and in one case on a guy's lap. She can also see a terrace that leads to the garden she guessed was there. Fairy lights are strung up around the terrace, shining brightly in the dark of the evening and some upperclassmen are dipping their feet into a pool that's placed in the middle of the garden. The steam rising from the water tells her it's heated. 

It's surprisingly unlike anything she imagined a high-school party to be like. The atmosphere is relaxed and people are just talking while some pop music is playing. Aelin would feel comfortable if she didn't feel so terribly out of place. She's not friends with anyone except for Rowan, she now notices.

"Do you want to drink something?" Rowan asks her, already waving to one of the guys on the sectional. Aelin recognizes him. It's Fenrys, the guy who invited Rowan.

"Sure. Some kind of soda or something. You know what I like."

"Okay, be right back," he tells her and leaves to find the kitchen. 

She takes a few steps into the room, unsure of where to go, when the girl next to Fenrys smiles at her. "You're Aelin, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm Essar. And this grump here," she points to a guy to the other side of her, "is Lorcan, my boyfriend." The guy looks a bit older than them and gives Aelin a nod. 

"Oh, yeah, I know." Aelin says lamely. "We have math together?"

"Oh right," Essar slaps her forehead dramatically.  "You sit in the front, right? I always take the back row, so I'm probably more familiar with the back of your head." She laughs and Aelin can't help but laugh too. 

"I can turn around if you think that helps?" Aelin suggests.

"Oh no, don't worry. Here, sit down though," she points at a place opposite her on the floor. Someone put pillows there to make extra seats, so Aelin happily complies. 

She and Essar fall into an easy conversation when Rowan finally returns with two drinks in hand. She smiles gratefully at him before she realizes he's followed by none other than Remelle. 

The smile falls off her face when she sees them talking animatedly before Remelle throws her head back to laugh at something Rowan said. 

She's never seen Remelle this close and this unguarded. Usually she's surrounded by a gaggle of other cheerleaders. But even though Aelin doesn't know Remelle, she can tell the girl likes Rowan. It's obvious from her body language and the way she looks at him. Aelin's stomach turns. 

"Remelle! Nice of you to show up as well," Essar greets her. 

Right. How could Aelin forget they were friends?

"Well, it doesn't seem like I missed much," she teases, pointing at the party around them. 

Rowan hands Aelin the drink he brought and sits down next to her on the floor while Remelle talks. 

"Thanks," she mutters, though she's not sure he's listening. 

His eyes are still fixed on Remelle who now says, "How about we do something fun?"

"Like what?" Fenrys interjects.

"Like spin the bottle," she suggests, eyes on Rowan. 

Oh god. Is this what Aelin thinks it is?

"I'm in," Fenrys says, a grin spreading on his face that Aelin can't help but describe as mischievous. 

"Us too," Rowan says immediately, shooting Aelin a look. 

She can't believe he just agreed for her. But hey, at least he thought of her at all, right?

They round up everyone who wants to play, which is mostly people from their grade who aren't there with their significant others, along with one or two upperclassmen. 

She's sitting next to Rowan in the circle they formed on the carpet in the living room. The people who aren't playing are sitting on the sectional, watching their game and chatting.

The game starts and the first few rounds are a bit boring, Aelin thinks. Fenrys starts and his bottle lands on a cheerleader. Then the cheerleader's bottle lands on another cheerleader. Some of the guys whoop when they kiss and Aelin rolls her eyes. She's glad to see Essar do the same from the sectional, Lorcan next to her with an arm around her shoulder.

The cheerleader spins and it lands on one of the upperclassmen. He's attractive, with cropped chestnut hair and copper eyes. He and the cheerleader kiss and then he spins the bottle. It turns and turns until finally, it points straight at Aelin. 

She's never kissed anyone before and while she knew what this game entails, she hadn't really made the connection that she might have to kiss someone. Her throat goes dry while the guy gives her an encouraging smile. 

Oh god, can he see how nervous she suddenly is? Aelin feels like she might die. But then she squares her shoulders and decides to be brave. She leans forward and the guy meets her halfway. She closes the distance between their mouths. It's… okay, she guesses? She can feel the warm press of his lips against hers, can smell the shampoo he uses and it only lasts a heartbeat or two before they pull apart. 

When she settles back on her knees next to Rowan, his gaze is on her. She can't quite decipher the emotion on his face, so she whispers a quiet "What?" 

He just shakes his head and points at the bottle. Right, now it's her turn. Better get it over with.

Aelin gives the bottle a good strong spin and it turns even longer than it did before. It comes to a stop pointing slightly to the left of her – right at Rowan. She can feel her heart speed up. If she thought she was nervous for her first kiss, it's nothing compared to what she feels now. There's a tingle spreading from her stomach all the way to her fingertips.

She turns to Rowan, whose eyes are locked on the bottle as if he could move it with the power of his mind alone. "You know, we don't have to do this," she whispers, but there's a rushing sound in her ears so she might have spoken louder than she intended. 

"Hey, no fair! Rules are rules!" One of the lacrosse dudes shouts.

Finally, Rowan's eyes lift to hers. There's another look on his face that Aelin has never seen. She doesn't really know what to do with that. Usually, she feels like she knows him better than she knows herself. There's nothing usual about this situation though. 

"No, it's fine," he just says. "He's right, rules are rules."

Rowan leans over slightly and so does she. Her breath catches and she closes her eyes. She feels the moment his lips meet hers, the soft but insistent press of his mouth against hers. She knows Rowan inside out, but still the smell of him this close is intoxicating. 

He pulls back after a second and it's all Aelin can do not to follow his mouth with hers. Rowan turns his face back toward the circle, toward the bottle and after another second, so does Aelin. 

As Rowan reaches for the bottle, there's only one thing playing in Aelin's mind. I just kissed my best friend. 

Then the bottle lands on Remelle and Aelin doesn't think anything anymore. She watches a shy but inviting smile spread on the other girl's face. She sees Rowan lean forward, the motion looking so eager and Remelle does the same. Aelin watches numbly as their lips meet. The kiss lasts longer than any of the others did, though it's still just a peck. It shouldn't be different than her kisses but Aelin can feel that it is. This is a kiss that is going to change her friendship with Rowan forever. It's ironic, she thinks, that this kiss is what will change things, when she and Rowan just kissed not five minutes ago. 

They pull apart and at the soft smile she sees on Remelle's face, a smile that is mirrored on Rowan's, Aelin feels faint. 

She waits another two turns, when she hopes no one will make the connection, and stands up.

"This was so fun guys," the cheer in her voice is entirely fake but no one knows her well enough to tell. Except for one person. "But my parents set me a curfew, so I have to leave." There's a few commiserative groans. "I know," she laughs. "But thanks for inviting me. See you guys around school!"

"See you," Essar says, a few others echoing the sentiment or simply waving. 

Aelin is almost impressed with herself at how composed she seems.

She turns toward the door and sees Rowan stand up to follow her. He catches up to her and says, "I didn't know you had a curfew."

"Yeah, I'm just tired, but I didn't want to look boring,'" she lies. She's never lied to Rowan. It makes her feel even stranger. 

"Oh, okay. Just give me a moment to say goodbye and then we can leave." He looks slightly disappointed by the prospect. 

"It's fine. Stay. I can make it back on my own." She doesn't know why she said that. She doesn't mean it. But maybe she hopes that tonight hasn't changed things after all. She hopes he'll walk her home as always, that everything will still be normal tomorrow.

"Really? That would be amazing. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Be safe." Rowan hugs her and Aelin is sure she must have misheard him. There's no way he just did that. But as he turns his back to her and walks back toward the laughter, she realizes that he did. 

"Damn. What a dick." The guy she kissed is standing in a doorway on the right halfway between her and the living room. He probably had a perfect view of their exchange.

Aelin wants to defend Rowan. After all, who is this guy to call her best friend a dick? But she can't really argue his point right now. 

"I'm Chaol, by the way," the guy offers and Aelin realizes she's still looking towards the living room. 

"Aelin," she just says.

"Well Aelin, I was actually just leaving," Chaol tells her. "Can I walk you home instead?" There's a smile on his face that suits him very well. He really is attractive, Aelin thinks to herself. 

"That would be nice," she answers and Chaol opens the door for her.

---

thanks for reading!

let me know your thoughts/theories in the comments or reblogs! <3

--- 

tag list:

@yafandomsnet

[retroellie]

Ellie Williams as a mom

Summary: Ellie and Joel daughter!reader as moms <3

A/N: I’m not done with requests but this was in my head so i had to do it :)  Also sorry i haven’t been active, i have literally had no motivation at all lmao. 

Warnings: Mentions of NSFW, mentions of miscarriage (not really but just incase) 

Word count: 1.5K 

- When you found out you were pregnant, oh my lord she was so excited. (Lets just say y’all were planning it so it’s not like the dina situation) 

-You guys keep in on the down low for a minute just so you know your pregnant and your not gonna lose the baby

-It literally eats her up inside cause she wants to show you off

-Once you get past like 3 months, you can’t really hide it anymore so the first person you tell is your dad (Joel) 

-Joel is so happy oml he could cry 

-Than slowly everyone finds out, everyone loved you and ellie so this baby wasn’t just yours it was the community’s 

-Everyone was happy for the two of you 

-Ellie was the most excited though, she loved every single thing about you being pregnant 

-She would caress your belly, giving it soft kisses while you tried to take a nap 

-She would talk to your little belly too<3 

-”Hey kiddo, it’s your mom. Well your other mom, hey i wonder how that would work?? Will they call us both mom.” 

-”You know, you're gonna have the coolest family. You got your Granddaddy Joel, the coolest man ever. You have your momma, just like her daddy the coolest most badass woman you’ll ever meet.” 

-”One day, when you get older. I’m gonna take you to the moon with me and of course your momma’s gonna come with us.”

-Everything you need she gets you, she wants to spoil both of her babies

-She loves seeing you pregnant but she hates the effects it has on you 

-Your really tired all the time, your feet swell up sometimes, and the stomach aches you get 

-Around 4 or 5 months you decide to get the farmhouse, y’all want your own space with each other and the baby 

-Joel’s not really happy about it, he doesn’t want his babygirl to get hurt ya know 

-”You guys can build a little farmhouse here in jackson, you know where there’s protection and your families here.” 

-”Dad, I love it here but we need our own space. I want this kid to grow up independent, you never know what’s going to happen to me and ellie.” 

-Joel can’t fight with you, he just gives in because it’s what you want and he wants you to be happy

-Plus he will most definitely do country boy things there because he’s a whore for a good farm house 

-Moving out was hard for you, you had to say goodbye to your friends even if you do live literally 5 minutes from Jackson plus girl your pregnant; hormones are going crazy 

-The whole town help you guys get situated, imaging that is so cute idc 

-The pregnant sex in the farmhouse hits differently because your horny all the time and ellie just loves how sensitive you are because of the hormones

 -I swear y’all have sex at least 3 times a day

-Morning sex, after breakfast sex, lunch sex, ‘this painting is tiring’ sex, before and after dinner sex, shower sex, before bed sex 

-Maria is definitely planned a baby shower for y’all and she went full on out 

-Obviously babies are born in Jackson often but it’s not every day when the town leader’s niece is having a baby, so it’s huge 

-Joel gave you a crib he made, LORD IMMA CRY WAIT A MINUTE 

-Everyone pitches in to give y’all something 

-You and ellie decorate the nursery together, it’s definitely space themed idc 

-Joel and tommy help too :) Joel helps paint the crib he made with stars and rocket ships 

-It takes 5 days to complete but it’s so worth it

-The walls are painted dark blue with white little stars and your dad helped you make a little planet mobile 

-By the time your 7-8 months you guys are mostly comfortable and happy, the house is almost done and the farm is growing little by little 

-There’s still stuff to do around the house and it bothers you so you're always doing stuff 

-Ellie hates it because mama you are literally about to pop and you still out here carrying pieces of wood upstairs 

-”Baby, you gotta be careful or your gonna end up giving birth on the stairs” She jokes

 -”I’m not incapable of doing things baby, i’ll be fine; plus it’ll build her muscles up, she’ll be okay.” You joke back 

-Joel always told you that you were like your mom, never stopping even if your carrying another human in your stomach 

-Around the end of 8 months you had decided to stay back at Jackson because you could go into labor at any time 

-When you finally give birth it is the hardest thing you have ever done 

-Your family is in the room with you and ellie is holding your hand, even throughout the pain you're still cracking jokes with ellie 

-”Woah! Okay your hand is all the way inside” 

-”Womb tour *sobs*” 

-”If i go through all this pain for my baby to not like David bowie, i swear it’s going back in.” 

-Ellie is literally dying of laughter

-She holds you hand the entire time and she gives you soft kisses

-When the baby finally get here, there is a wave of relief that comes over you

-You stay in Jackson for a little bit for a week or 2 until you guys can go back home

-Ellie does literally everything you need her to do because your still healing 

-She will gladly stay in bed with you all day if you need her too 

-She willingly gets up in the middle of the night with the baby just to let you sleep and it hurts her heart when she has to wake you up to breastfeed 

-Speaking of breastfeeding, it makes her blush a little when your breastfeeding 

-She finds it so hot when you parent, idk how to explain it but it just gets her going 

-She also loves your mom bod, like your boobs got a lil more bigger and your hips got wider 

-She just loves you as a mom, like she thinks you are so hot 

-Ellie loves holding the baby, She’s so soft and small. She will never get over how pure she is 

-Ellie will show her around the farm, showing her all the animals and making her giggle 

-She’ll love to spend time with the baby, she’s such a good mommy i swear 

-She will definitely make time for you of course

-You guys don’t even have to smash to feel satisfied, just 20 minutes alone with each other would be good enough for the both of you 

-She loves when you call her mommy throughout the day 

-”Well good morning mommy” 

-”Does mommy wanna watch too.” 

-It’s so soft and cute, ugh she’s just a big ole softy now 

-Grandpa joel....that’s all

-He’d be such a good grandpa, he would spoil that child rotten 

-He would tell you how to parent, as annoying as it could be sometimes you appreciate the help because you honestly have no idea what you're doing sometimes 

-”You're patting her too softly, you have to do it a bit harder.” 

-”Dad... I know what i’m doing.” 

-”I know, i know. I just want her to get a good burp in, don’t we?” He said to the baby, smiling down at her 

-Joel definitely babysits all the time, like he will straight up ask you if he could take your kid in for the night 

-you and ellie let him, obviously y’all need a decent night of sleep and a night full of... you know ;)

-Ellie does yoga with you to help you get back in shape, ellie doesn’t think you need too because she loves your belly <3 (your beautiful babe :))

-But you just want to regulate your body back a little bit

-You guys and the baby would have little pinics together, they are so cute 

-You have pictures upon pictures of the baby on the wall, like literally your baby has taken over the house 

- Dancing with the baby obviously 

-Ellie would read to the baby a lot, there has been countless times when she had fallen asleep in the rocking chair with the baby 

-Ellie massages your boobies when they get sore from breastfeeding, she feels so bad :(

-Joel and Tommy make wooden toys for the baby, they get so excited to give them to the baby 

-Her room is filled with toys from them and she is literally still an infant lmao 

-OH AND TOMMY AS AN UNCLE(??) luckiest kid ever 

-You both do farm work with the baby or one of you does farm work while the other keeps the baby from crying 

-You guys won’t force your baby to play with barbies if she doesn’t want to 

-but when she gets old enough ellie plans on taking her out in the city for practice of killing infected 

-That scares you but your award you both have to prepare her for anything that happens 

-But besides that y’all are the cutest parents and ellie deserves to be happy with her daughter :)

-

-

-

(Credits to gif owner) 

[baby-beelzeburger]

WAIT, LAST MINUTE INSPIRATION ❗❗

ok, so Izuku & Repair Quirk Civilian have a friendly, slightly antagonistic relationship. they like each other but that will not stop Civilian from cursing All Might every time Deku hits a villan with a Detroit Smash, and Deku just internally cringes whenever the same building gets smashed for the sixth time that month on Civilian's shift. there's banter and light threats (mainly from one party) but there's no hard feelings and it's all friendly.

At first.

Civilian slowly starts to realize their feelings when they no longer feel genuinely annoyed at Deku's antics - they know it's not on purpose, and one destroyed building means nothing if it ensures that an innocent life is saved. they still complain but it's mainly to keep up the appearance of the Overworked, Caffeine Addicted Employee. they recognize that Deku is trying his best to keep the damage to a minimum and, even if he's dead tired and in need of a vacation in the hospital, he's always there to greet them with a bashful smile and an apology for the lamppost that's shish kabobed through three cars.

they finally admit to themselves that they fell hard for him the moment he showed up to their workplace (on his off day, no less) with their favorite coffee order and a warm slice of coffee cake. they never even told him their order, but the fact that he managed to memorize it from all the times he went with them to their favorite cafe is enough to make them realize that they're down HORRENDOUS for him.

(Ochako and her dad are having a field day with this, there's a betting pool between the other employees. either Civilian makes the first move or they Deny until they Die)

Izuku, meanwhile, figured his shit out a few weeks prior to them having their revelation. property damage had always been in the forefront on his mind but shit happens, it can't be totally avoided. he's always appreciated the people who help clean up after the heroes, but to see Civilian so dedicated towards making sure that life can return to normal after such a traumatic event - it does something to his heart. they may complain, but they never half-ass a job and they're always the first one on the scene and the last one gone.

he knew it was over for him when he witnessed Civilian doing their best to comfort a young child after their home was destroyed in an attack. even if they were tired from overusing their quirk, they did their damned best to repair the quaint little house, all while hiding their exhaustion from the kid and cracking a few jokes. their dedication to the public was something he had already admired, but this was the nail in the coffin.

BUT, because they're both busy AF and have little to no social experience in this department, they both dance around the topic with all the finesse of a drunk clown on stilts. Civilian thinks Izuku is too good for an exhausted bitch like them, and while Izuku would love to ask them out, he knows he doesn't have the time to truly lavish them in all the love and affection they deserve.

Ochako is both living for this and foaming at the mouth for one of them to make a move, and Bakugo is damn near close to grabbing them both by the back of their heads and smashing them together like a little girl making her Barbies kiss.

still haven't decided on who makes the first move, my coffee is wearing off, but i hope you liked this! I've been thinking about Repair Quirk Civilian all day, i had to get this out before it haunts me 💚

if you see any spelling errors, no you didn't 💚

I was just about to go to bed before I saw this but now I won't stop thinking about it.

I AM LIVING FOR THIS. Literally it makes my heart soar. The absolute adorable-ness of two pining idiots, but also the angst potential because they refuse to say anything?? The both of them probably think that their feelings are unrequited, only further holding them back from saying anything to the other.

Maybe Izuku confesses first? It probably happens after a long long day. Much like you, anon, Our civilian protag is running low on caffeine and they just want to rest. But there was a huge battle that occurred late at night, just before they were going to head home. But as soon as they heard the news, they were heading to the site immediately. Mr. Uraraka insists that they should go home, but they refuse. Despite how heavy their body feels, there's no way that they're leaving that block to stay as rubble and debris all night. It's probably dumb, and definitely reckless, but they show up anyway.

Low and behold, Deku is there, his usual embarrassed expression in these situations plastered on his face. He can practically see whatever energy they had left draining from them as they see the destruction and he feels horrible.

He tries to tell them that they should probably go home, they refuse. So, he sticks around to watch over them while they worked. But the exhaustion, maybe some other stress, combined with their lack of caffeine and frustration over their feelings for the hero is making them snippy and him hovering over them like a helicopter parent was just getting on their nerves.

They snap at him after one too many "You should really take a break, Y/n"'s, telling him how annoying he's sounding right now. He's really hurt but he knows they don't really mean it. They're just cranky. He tells them that its only because he cares for their wellbeing so much. And maybe thats when he accidentally let's it slip that he cares about them a little bit more than in just a friendship kind of way.

The confession stuns Civilian awake, but its awkward for the rest of the night, and for a few days after that as well. Not because they don't reciprocate, but because now neither of them are sure what to do. They never responded to him, so Izuku doesn't know whether or not they feel the same, and even if they did he wouldn't know how to deal with that. And they're just freaking out because he likes them back, but much like him they're not really sure how to handle that. Not to mention how guilty they felt over being to rude to him that night.

So, their relationship becomes a bit tense and strictly buisness, up until Bakugou and Uraraka convince Deku and the Civilian respectively to just talk to each other, which they do and eventually clear the air.

[finleyjayne]

Break a Leg Chapter 3: Take Two

A/N: Thank you for waiting so long for this chapter. There were so many choices that had to be made as to where I wanted to take this. I decided (with the help of my best friend who is so done with this story that it’s not even funny) that this was the most honest option. Let me know what you think! Also all songs referenced are linked via their names/first reference if unnamed.

Series Summary: After your accident, everything in your life changed. Your shared dream of being on Broadway with your best friend, Amanda, was over. But just because YOU don’t think you want the same things in life doesn’t mean that your friend won’t see through you. Taking matters into her own hands, you end up at an audition you’re sure that you’ll fail since SHIELD Theater Company is known the world over for typecasting. And you don’t fit any of your typical actress types. Little do you know that the company’s new writer - nihilistic, pessimistic, and resident drunk; Bucky Barnes- is looking for someone out of their normal choices.

Series Warnings: Guys, this is based on my own experiences within the Acting community after gaining weight and height after an accident. There will be fat-shaming, mentions of eating disorders, unhealthy expectations, unhealthy coping mechanisms, also like bias based on looks.

Chapter 1 | Previous Chapter | Masterlist

Warnings for this chapter include but are not limited to: Swearing, Angst, eating disorder (if you squint), unrealistic audition process (because I can), PTSD dreams, Anxiety attack, Hurt/Comfort, dance injury descriptions, Amanda almost getting her face punched.

Word Count: 2,336

The familiar feel of gathered tulle whispered around your legs as you float across the stage. Your feet burn with the tiny movements that pushed you across the stage. The choreography was new, but you already knew it by heart. After all, you have been dreaming of playing this role ever since you had seen the show all those years ago. The steps sped, and as you approached the leap of faith, That leap would pull on the fly lines. You knew something was wrong. There was the slightest of whirrs from the top left pulley, pulling you up short.

"Why did you stop? You have the fly lines on, It's step, turn, turn, and leap." Your director yelled from the darkened house.

"There is something wrong with the left pulley." You say back. "It's making a funny noise."

"That's just the way of pulleys, Y/N. Let's run it from the top of the number, this time with the fly."

"I really don't think so," you mutter as you take your place in the side wings. Amanda meets you there. She hands you a water bottle, which you sip from as the interlude plays.

"You can do it. Trust yourself, Y/N."

"I trust myself just fine. The person I don't trust is the rigging guy who is currently snogging his girlfriend instead of paying attention to his job."

"It's going to be fine, Y/N." She says, rolling her eyes and pushing you towards the stage for your cue.

As the dance progresses, you stop focusing on the steps and just feel the movement. You really were the fairy: light, agile, and completely ethereal. You take the two turns perfectly and leap off the stage and into the audience. You feel yourself relax as you swing above the seats, being lifted higher until you were suspended in the center of the stage. You continued to dance, then something went wrong, there was a hard yank from that left pulley. It unbalanced you, pulling taut as the secondary line went slack. As more of your weight was given to it, a loud grinding and a high-pitched ping echoed over the sounds of the music as you fell to the stage floor. Before anyone can do anything, you fall.

Your jolt out of your sleep suddenly, an invisible weight pressing on your chest. Your heartbeat is blaring in your ears as you fight to breathe. Shivers raking up and down your body. Unable to move even the tips of your fingers as tears blur your perception of your dim room. After what seems to be hours of laying there suffocating, your breathing turns into sobs. You are finally able to move, though, as you roll onto your side, trying to curl into the fetal position, a scream echos into the silence. Your busted up leg sends phantom pains through you, cramping and pulling with unnatural tension. It was a charlie horse from hell, and you rationally knew that most of it was fake.

Amanda runs in a few seconds later with a pink aluminum baseball bat, looking around for the disturbance, when she finds none she turns to you. "Y/N, what is it?"

You just stared at her, unable to move as phantom pain shot up and down your leg. Memories of blood and bone hide behind your eyelids, torturing you with every blink.

She stares at you for a few minutes before slowly setting the bat down. and coming to hold you. "It was the dream again, wasn't it." She cradles your head, maneuvering you as carefully as she can into her arms. "Hush now, it's okay. We are here, that is the past. You don't ever have to fly again. Rehearsals will all be on the ground for your new show. All you have to do is a little choralography. It will be fine. You won't get hurt."

Her reassuring calm, paired with her arms stroking up and down your back, are a balm to your terrified mind. Your sobs ebb. Taking a few deep breaths, you sit yourself up, pulling away from her, immediately feeling guilty for waking her this early. "thank you, 'Manda. It really means a lot."

"It's the least I can do when my best friend is struggling. Now, why don't you take a nice hot shower? I'll get breakfast started, and then we can head over to Rijah's before your audition today."

"Sure," you say noncommittally, you didn't really feel like eating, but you knew it would make her feel better to see you fed before she sends you to the sharks again. "Would you like to play live-action barbie today? I mean, you did say that today's audition would be special," you ask her on her way to the kitchen.

"I think you should wear that cute new swing dress—the one with the pink halter and the black skirt. Go light on the make-up. Doe eyes," she called from the kitchen.

"Okay. Are we going to be meeting with our agent today or is this another one of those, he gave you a list and expects us both to be there sort of deal?" You ask, wincing as you try to distract yourself from the pain as you rub the cramps out of your leg.

"Well, it's kinda just one audition today. I know you don't want to go back, but I was promised by Steve that if you show up, they will listen to you--"

At that, you were up and in the kitchen. Staring your friend down in your scanty sleepwear. "Please don't tell me that I'm auditioning for Stark's Theater again. I mean, he already kicked me to the curb once. What makes you think that he won't show up just to kick me out again?" You sneer, half-naked, and ready to punch her in her too pretty face.

"It's not Stark's theater troupe anymore, he has taken a back seat this year, leaving Miss Potts to handle more of it while he moves into the movie industry. You will be fine. Like I said, Steve has been nagging me all year for your contact details so he could offer you a personal invitation. I told him that you would go if you wanted. I mean, I'm still going to make you go with me to the building. Remember, you promised that after last year, you wouldn't pass up a chance to sing for anyone. Not anymore. Especially with your boss being as chill as he is."

The fight drains from your shoulders as she uses your own words against you. You are still annoyed that she is taking you to an audition for SHIELD, again, though. Stomping back to your bathroom, you slam the door. "Why do my friends always take me at my word?" you ask yourself as you hang your head over the sink basin. Taking a few more deep breaths, you push down your new-formed audition anxiety.

Fixing yourself up and packing a set of exercise clothes for your rehearsal later, as well as your repertoire binder, resume, and pair of ballet slippers. It hadn't taken long to get into something after reapplying yourself. Even though the show you were in at the moment was a two-day ballet in the park for little kids. But it was something, and it paid enough to put it on your resume.

You hurried in the shower, letting the steam take away more of the tension from your body as you scrubbed yourself. As the water starts running clear of bubbles, you close your eyes, envisioning an alternative ending to your dream. In your new version, Bucky, your unconventional knight in shining army, that handsome man who had come to your rescue all those months ago, comes and catches you before you are flown too high. He takes your hand, pulling you close, his breath whispering across your face as his blue-grey eyes stare into yours. He leans forward, your lips part… Amanda is shouting from the other side of the door that breakfast was ready before you finished the thought.

With a different kind of sigh, you pull yourself out of the cooling water, and back into real life.

Amanda and Elijah have once again outdone themselves with their song choice for you. You couldn't help but laugh as they put their top three options in front of you, Better from Little Women, If You Knew My Story from Bright Star, and I'm a Star from Smash.

"So what's the cut time Amanda?" you ask, paging through the three songs.

"They want the whole thing." Amanda and Elijah said in unison. Amanda looking at you with barely withheld excitement, and 'Rijah with his usual sophomanic way.

"They want the whole song? or they want all the different cuts prepared so they can choose?" You couldn't believe that they would want a whole three-minute song. That just seems overboard.

"The whole song. Steve asked for it personally. " She said, smiling, "This is going to be it, Y/N! This is going to be it! We are finally going to be in an acting company together! I can feel it! Now sing the songs. Let's see which one will fit best!"

Your heart beats fast in your chest. The whole song, they wanted the entire song. No one wants the complete song. Sometimes they don't even want the entire song at a callback. You couldn't help but stare openmouthed at your best friend. What exactly was going on today? You hadn't felt this many emotions in a single day since last year.

Before you can really contemplate which god had decided to smile in your direction, Elijah starts playing the introduction for the first few bars of Bright Star. Even then, Elijah has to repeat the intro twice before Amanda finally pinched you back into the moment. Immediately you jumped into it. Hazily stumbling through the first two measures before Elijah stopped playing.

He looked at you, annoyed. "Y/N, if you ain't gunna sing, don't pretend like it."

You shook yourself at the reprimand. "I'm sorry. If I get to sing a whole song, can we do something else? Better is an excellent power song, but it is very repetitive. I wanna give them a show. Something that will wow them. But I don't want to give off the vibe that I am still butt-hurt over last year. I want to show them I can take the initiative and work hard."

Elijah smirked, "Okay, what about weekly volcano press? It has some of the same stuff, and kinda rounds out what she did to improve. Also, you can play with all of your different character voices."

You give him a funny look, "What do you mean? And isn't that song like 8 minutes long?"

"You know what I mean. Don't act like I haven't been paying attention to you over the last three years! You sing with different timbres and weights for each character when you are helping Amanda with her practice. Sometimes I feel like I need to check and make sure you aren't switching out your vocal cords for every character."

"Elijah is right! Here! Sheetmusic! She places her tablet on the piano. And it can be a test on Steve's word. If they don't stop you, you know for sure that Steve will keep his words as a director."

You tilt your head back and forth, deliberating, "I don't really want to be petty Amanda."

"Y/N, when in all the years I have known you have you ever chosen not to be petty?" Amanda says, arms crossed over her chest, hip cocked.

"To you never, to everybody else, I try to be considerate more than petty," you meeting her attitude with sincerity.

"Suuure." Elijah and Amanda share an eyeroll.

"Whatever. If you really think that this song would be best, then I will take your advice. However, with my track record, it will end up blowing up in my face," you resign with a sigh looking over Elijah's shoulder as you scan through the score.

"Don't give me that Bullshit, Y/N/N. You will do fine. It's not like I haven't watched you play around with this song. You could probably do it in your sleep." Amanda gave you one of her signature I-know-you-know-you-can-do-this looks. Taking her phone out and pointing it at you. "Now, sing the damn song!"

With a sigh, you straighten back up. You knew they wouldn't let it go. "Fine, but if this becomes a repeat of last year. I will reevaluate our friendship status. Lead the way, Elijah."

Amanda hadn't been lying when she said that you had the song on lock. You breezed through the voice changes. Flipping octaves, effortlessly changing registers, and adapting tonalities. By the time the seven minutes were over, you were slightly winded. Your chest heaved lightly as you were filled with that after-performance high. You knew there were a few places that you hiccupped, but you had a good thirty minutes, and they were easy fixes.

Looking up at your small audience, you should have expected the smug smiles that spread on their faces. Amanda gave you a smirk. "Is there something you would like to tell me?"

"I don't want to tell you shit. But you were right. It is a fun song." You turn to an equally smug Elijah, "can we go over the troll verse again? I messed up the lyrics. And then I'd like to drill the last part where Clarisa comes back to face Braxton. Those quick transitions are a bit different than the Sutton Foster recording, and I don't want to be psyched out either way."

"Whatever I can do to help you," Elijah says, turning back to the piano.

"I'll go print the music for your rep binder." Amanda practically squealed, running out of the room, phone in hand.

You shake your head, refocusing on all of the things you needed to refine before this would work.

|Next Chapter|

Tag List: @cavillanche @buckys-broody-muffin @tossacoin2yourwitcher​ @star-spangled-beard-burn​

[cuzloki]

Right Place, Right Time

Requested by: @kaylamarie306-blog

REQUESTS OPEN

‍Steve Rodgers x Reader

Prompt: alternate universe; reader and Steve were once engaged. They grew up in the same town and have known each other for ages. When their engagement is called off, suddenly years later they meet again.

A/N: I got more writing done tonight than I thought I would so I'm going to post this in atleast 2 parts. I love getting feedback on my writing too because I'm new to this! Please feel free to comment or send me a message

Part 1/?

ENJOY!!

It had been 3 years since y/n saw Steve. The last time you saw his blonde, perfectly messy hair matched with the deepest blue eyes you could ever imagine. Now he's standing in your aunt's house on Christmas day. I guess going back to where it all began might help sort out your racing thoughts.

Y/n and Steve grew up together in a small town in the middle of no where. Farm country no where. Your family had owned a ranch, complete with cattle and horses. They had gone to school together since they were 3 but never really interacted or gave each other the time of day. That is until the summer when y/n turned 17. A beat up blue pick up truck pulled down the little dirt road to your house. Y/n was in the middle of feeding the horses. The truck was unfamiliar and got your attention as she grabbed a hay bale and tossed it into a wheel barrow.

A tall, muscular blonde in jeans and boots stepped out of the truck. He was beyond handsome in every sense of the word. You looked up at him, pretty certain he didn't know you were there. Much to your surprise, he smiled and waved at you as he walked up onto your porch and knocked on your front door. Your dad answered the door and they went inside. You were confused by this handsome stranger but went back to feeding the horses. You were in a paddock with your horse Gunnar when you dad and the stranger came out.    "Y/n, you've met Steve Rodgers haven't yea? You've been in the same classes for years!“ your dad asked you as you pulled your work gloves off and shoved them into your pocket. You gave the stranger, now identified as Steve, a once over releiving that you did in fact know him. Steve reached his hand out towards you " Hey y/n! I don't think we've met formally but my name is Steve. Nice to meet you!" you politely shock his hand and gave him a shy smile. " I've definitely seen you around town!" y/n giggles, knowing full well that everyone knew everyone in this town.

As it turns out, Steve started working on your family ranch. He ride the horses, cleaned the stalls, roped the cattle, etc. You had both become friends rather quickly. Being the same age and having a lot of the same interests, such as animals and art. Things changed one Saturday night. The animals were all fed and you offered to stay out and help Steve get all the animals settled for the night. " Everyone is where they belong. Fed and happy" Steve reports as he puts a pile of buckets down next to you as you were resetting the grain for the next morning. " They must love you now." you teased rolling your eyes at him with a giggle. There was a comfortable silence between the 2 of you as you finished up the barn chores for the night. You had turned to turn off a set of lights, only to catch you foot on a random bucket that had been left behind. You started to fall, cursing your clumsy feet but before you hit the hard ground you were wrapped in muscular arms. You opened your eyes, noticing that you hadn't slammed yourself off the concrete and look up to meet Steve's blue eyes. "Careful doll. Don't want you getting hurt on my watch." he winks at you with a smile. You playfully wack his chest with your hand as you both giggle. "I'm fully capable of watching myself, thank you Rodgers" you commented back at him. You both seemed to realize at the same time that Steve's arms were naturally on the smalls of your back and your hand were just resting on his chest. Before you could even finish your own thought, he leaned his head down and quickly pecked you on the lips and seemed to scan your face for a reaction after. You put your hand on the back of his neck pulling his head back down to your height smashing your lips into his again. Only this time, it was clear to both of you that you were more than just friends.

Steve had become really close with your family working on the ranch for the past 3 months, so when you 2 started dating, your family was over joyed. I'm pretty sure they had a pool of how long it would take you guys to get together already. Your first date was a romantic trail ride followed by a cute picnic that Steve had made. You two just clicked. It worked. But you were 17 and he was 18. Was he your forever and always.

Fast forward a year, you and Steve have been together a little over a year and things were fantastic and they continued to be fantastic. Make out sessions turned into sex in the hay loft. Which more often than not was where you would both escape to.

You and Steve had been dating for 3 years now. You were 20 and he was 21. He proposed under a starry sky on a beautiful summer night. You were over the moon! Happy tears were spilling as you jumped on him and said yes a million times while he was spinning you both around. That night had been one for the books.

Fast forward 5 months into the engagement and that's where things get rocky. Y/n and Steve were picking out the venue, the flowers, the cake. Everything to the last detail was being throughly planned and prepared. Y/n and Steve had joined some neighbors on a cattle drive (A/N: for those who don't know, a cattle drive is basically a bunch of people on horseback moving cows from pasture to pasture so they don't kill all the grass in one or another or if they need to be moved for milking and what not. The horses are used to corral the cows. Super fun! Anyways...). Steve rode a horse named Patriot and you rode your horse Gunnar. The riding was so fun. Chasing after the calves who had driffed to far from the herd. You when after a calf that had ran up a hill behind some brush. You slowly got a rope around her cute little neck as you cooed at the baby animal. You got back on Gunnar and started trotting back to the group. What you saw stopped you dead in your tracks. There was a bleach blonde barbie type riding behind Steve on Patriot. What in the hell!? You were gone 2 minutes chasing a calf and your fiance somehow caught a cowgirl wanna be. As you got closer to them you noticed her hands snack around his waist, hanging on for dear life. You let the calf out of the rope and watched as it trotted back to its mother. You walked over to your fiance with a fake smile plastered on your face. "Who's the barbie doll, Steve?" you ask as you get closer to them. "oh hey hun! This is Bindi. She needed a ride back" Steve answered with a super innocent sme on his face. You knew him well enough to know he was just trying to be polite. You rolled your eyes and made a comment somewhere along the lines of not bringing a horse to a cattle drive being a real dumb blonde moment. Things only got worse when you got back to the ranch. You and Steve had put the horses away in their stalls and were taking their saddles off. Bindi was still there! Like a leach on Steve's side. You brushed Gunnar in his stalling,knowing you needed to calm down before putting your saddle away. Putting your saddle away meant walking by her. Deep breaths were taken. You finally decided you were calm enough and closed the gate to Gunnar's stall. You grabbed the saddle and turned the corner to the tack room. As you turn the corner, you drop your saddle on the floor with a loud thud. Bindi had Steve pinned up against the wall. Her lips locked on his. He immediately pushed get off upon hearing my saddle crash onto the floor. You start running towards your house. You make it inside your room and lock it in record time. Steve pounds on the door trying to get you to come out or let him in. You just curled up on your bed. Crying. Angry tears? Sad tears? Betrayed tears? How about all 3 at once. You knew he could hear you crying as he slid down the other side of the door, and sat on the floor against your door. "Please darlin' it wasn't what it looked like. Please let me in. Let's talk this out. Please. I love you y/n" Steve cooed from the other side of the door. You stayed quiet just needing time.

[robxstar]

do you have any robin being a huge dork headcanons

Boy Dorkasaurus headcanons?  Plenty!

He tries, he really tries, not to stammer around her when she’s being particularly cute or gorgeous or naively flustering.

But sometimes he just can’t help it; he’s an awkward teenage boy who doesn’t quite know what he’s doing when it comes to girls so his brain just kind of… turns off and leaves him to flail in desperation.

Before they were dating it would confuse Starfire terribly when he clammed up stammering.

“Robin, is there something the matter with your mouth?”

After they were together she realized what it was and what it meant and now she thinks it’s very cute and tries to elicit that response whenever she can.

She’s particularly fond of wowing him with pretty new dresses or outfits.

Because of Starfire’s childlike wonder and enjoyment of things, Robin often finds himself being very silly with her.

When they’re out at the park or doing something at a school or charity event and Starfire gets herself roped into having fun with the little kids, Robin will often join her and they’ll play with them together.

It’s very easy for Robin to relax around kids, and Starfire adores how enthusiastic he is about entertaining them.

Robin’s normally a pretty decent cook, but if he’s trying to cook something nice or out of his normal comfort zone for Starfire he will get all nervous and completely forget the recipe.

And probably accidentally set something on fire at least once.

To his chagrin, he can never say no to whatever Starfire picks for movie night.

The others will walk in and be like, “Are you two watching Barbie Fairytopia?”

And Robin will just sort of sink into his seat while Starfire explains the plot and characters with eager enthusiasm.

He’s memorized quite a few Disney films because Star likes to watch them over and over again.

(The Little Mermaid is Starfire’s favorite.  Cyborg likes to ruin romantic moments between Robin and Starfire by piping in “Kiss the Girl” at inopportune moments, embarrassing Robin out of making a move.)

Once or twice, she’s distracted him enough that he’s run face-first into a wall.

It happened in combat once; Robin got an unexpected upskirt view (though Starfire was wearing cheerleader-style hotpant shorts underneath, having been warned by Raven about the dangers of just such an occurrence) and completely missed his planned grapple opening, smashing into the side of the pizza parlor in full view of dozens of people.

Cyborg and Beast Boy teased him mercilessly about it for weeks.

He would later apologize to Starfire for it, though she being Tamaranian and not quite as bashful about being modest as most Earthlings assured him it was okay for him to look, it wasn’t a big deal, she didn’t take offense.

Which didn’t help his embarrassment of course.

Speaking of Starfire’s modesty though–or lack of it–Robin has walked in on her naked a few times.

Mostly during her first few months on Earth.

Necessitating some panicky explanations about Earthling privacy standards. :)

And annoying Raven because he’ll be fixating on the event for the rest of the day inside his head.  Loudly.  And repeatedly.

“Oh Azar, not again,” she’ll sigh, as she senses him going braindead around Starfire for like the thirty-fifth time.

Vowing to lock them in a room together one day.

Robin is a playful doofus around Starfire when he’s flirting with her.

When he’s grown more confident around her he can recover more easily from his babbling and play it off all smooth like, “Wow Star, you’ve really got me tongue-tied.”

He’s actually a huge math and science geek and loves to learn new things and share them with her.

He also loves all kinds of martial arts films, from serious wuxia to cheesy karate exploitation.  Starfire will search bargain bins at the movie stores for new things for his library.

She loves to listen to him critique the fighting techniques.

He’s not as into comics as Beast Boy but there’s a few titles they’ve read together.

They’ll do couple cosplay for conventions and Halloween.

[petrichorate]

Little Fires Everywhere: Thoughts

Little Fires Everywhere (Celeste Ng)

I feel like Little Fires Everywhere is like a trap of sorts—it draws you in quickly, under the pretense of some light entertainment, and then hits you hard with moments of intense poignancy and frustration. I wanted to read more books by Asian American authors this year because I wanted to come to terms with my identity as a Chinese American. I needed to understand how I had been approaching that part of myself, and also to hear the stories of other people who had gone through the same thing—especially if those experiences were sometimes shameful, terrifying, or filled with guilt, as mine have often been. It wasn’t until college that I started being proud of my heritage; there are still moments when I unfortunately feel ashamed of that part of myself, or somehow feel lesser than those around me. But I’ve also started to appreciate the unique beauty of being Asian American—the amazing resilience and reflection I’ve received by being part of a culture that is complex, and contradictory, and somehow immensely messed up and exquisite at the same time. 

Little Fires Everywhere managed to pack so much about Asian American-ness, motherhood, and self identity into a seamless narrative. I remember messaging a friend at the beginning of the novel that “it was entertaining, but seems like just a light read. I kind of expected it to push more on Asian American issues.” But the more I read, the more I realized that there were lessons interwoven throughout the story that could only have been learned through intense, real experiences. I love how Ng describes the “sureness” possessed in children from wealthy and established families—a feeling I always got from my childhood friends who lived in houses with kitchen islands in nice neighborhoods, but that I never felt I held inside myself. I love how Ed Lim, the lawyer, reflects on the difficulty of finding books and dolls that his daughter can relate to—it’s something I noticed in all my picture books about kids with curly golden hair, and it’s something I am actively working on because I don’t want my future daughter or son growing up without characters who look like them. 

Here are some parts I thought were particularly memorable:

On stealing from people who don’t notice: “She had cried all the way to Lafayette, where they would stay for the next eight months, and even the prancing china palomino she had stolen from the girl’s collection gave her no comfort, for though she waited nervously, there was never any complaint about the loss, and what could be less satisfying than stealing from someone so endowed that they never even noticed what you’d taken?”

On the “sureness” or efficacy felt in people from established families: “Even the younger Richardsons had it, this sureness in themselves. Sunday mornings Pearl and Moody would be sitting in the kitchen when Trip drifted in from a run, lounging against the island to pour a glass of juice, tall and tan and lean in gym shorts, utterly at ease, his sudden grin throwing her into disarray. Lexie perched at the counter, inelegant in sweatpants and a tee, hair clipped in an untidy bun, picking sesame seeds off a bagel. They did not care if Pearl saw them this way. They were so artlessly beautiful, even right out of bed. Where did this ease come from? How could they be so at home, so sure of themselves, even in pajamas? When Lexie ordered from a menu, she never said, ‘Could I have...?’ She said, ‘I’ll have...’ confidently, as if she had only to say it to make it so. It unsettled Pearl and it fascinated her.”

On covering up naïveté with “bookish wisdom”: “She could see the similarities between these two lonely children, even more clearly than they could: the same sensitive personalities lurking inside both of them, the same bookish wisdom layered over a deep naïveté.”

On the ability of wealth to draw you away from the problems you want to solve: “Of course she understood why this was happening: they were fighting to right injustices. But part of her shuddered at the scenes on the television screen. Grainy scenes, but no less terrifying: grocery stores ablaze, smoke billowing from their rooftops, walls gnawed to studs by flame. The jagged edges of smashed windows like fangs in the night. Soldiers marching with rifles past drugstores and Laundromats. Jeeps blocking intersections under dead traffic lights. Did you have to burn down the old to make way for the new? The carpet at her feet was soft. The sofa beneath her was patterned with roses. Outside, a mourning dove cooed from the bird feeder and a Cadillac glided to a dignified stop at the corner. She wondered which was the real world. The following spring, when antiwar protests broke out, she did not get in her car and drive to join them. She wrote impassioned letters to the editor; she signed petitions to end the draft. She stitched a peace sign onto her knapsack. She wove flowers into her hair.”

On parents and touch: “Parents, she thought, learned to survive touching their children less and less. As a baby Pearl had clung to her; she’d worn Pearl in a sling because whenever she’d set her down, Pearl would cry. There’d scarcely been a moment in the day when they had not been pressed together. As she got older, Pearl would still cling to her mother’s leg, then her waist, then her hand, as if there were something in her mother she needed to absorb through the skin. Even when she had her own bed, she would often crawl into Mia’s in the middle of the night and burrow under the old patchwork quilt, and in the morning they would wake up tangled, Mia’s arm pinned beneath Pearl’s head, or Pearl’s legs thrown across Mia’s belly. Now, as a teenager, Pearl’s caresses had become rare—a peck on the cheek, a one-armed, half-hearted hug—and all the more precious because of that. It was the way of things, Mia thought to herself, but how hard it was. The occasional embrace, a head leaned for just a moment on your shoulder, when what you really wanted more than anything was to press them to you and hold them so tight you fused together and could never be taken apart. It was like training yourself to live on the smell of an apple alone, when what you really wanted was to devour it, to sink your teeth into it and consume it, seeds, core, and all.”

On regrets: “‘Most of the time, everyone deserves more than one chance. We all do things we regret now and then. You just have to carry them with you.’”

On the lack of good Asian representation in toys for kids: “But there was no doll with black hair, let alone a face that looked anything like Monique’s. Ed Lim had gone to four different toy stores searching for a Chinese doll; he would have bought it for his daughter, whatever the price, but no such thing existed.  He’d gone so far as to write to Mattel, asking them if there was a Chinese Barbie doll, and they’d replied that yes, they offered ‘Oriental Barbie’ and sent him a pamphlet. He had looked at that pamphlet for a long time, at the Barbie’s strange mishmash of a costume, all red and gold satin and like nothing he’d ever seen on a Chinese or Japanese or Korean woman, at her waist-length black hair and slanted eyes. I am from Hong Kong, the pamphlet ran. It is in the Orient, or Far East. Throughout the Orient, people shop at outdoor marketplaces where goods such as fish, vegetables, silk, and spices are openly displayed. The year before, he and his wife and Monique had gone on a trip to Hong Kong, which struck him, mostly, as a pincushion of gleaming skyscrapers. In a giant, glassed-in shopping mall, he’d bought a dove-gray cashmere sweater that he wore under his suit jacket on chilly days. Come visit the Orient. I know you will find it exotic and interesting. In the end, he’d thrown the pamphlet away. He’d heard, from friends with younger children, that the expensive doll line now had one Asian doll for sale—and a few black ones, too—but he’d never seen it. Monique was seventeen now, and had long outgrown dolls.”

On the frustration of people finally recognizing problems that you have always known about through real experience and not research studies: “‘What about other books, Mrs. McCullough? Any other books with Chinese characters?’ Mrs. McCullough bit her lip. ‘I haven’t really looked for them,’ she admitted. ‘I hadn’t thought about it.’ ‘I can save you some time,’ said Ed Lim. ‘There really aren’t very many. So May Ling has no dollars that look like her, and no books with pictures of people that look like her.’ Ed Lim paced a few more steps. Nearly two decades later, others would raise this question, would talk about books as mirrors and windows, and Ed Lim, tired by then, would find himself as frustrated as he was grateful. We’ve always known, he would think; what took you so long?”

On what Asians are “allowed” to be in society: “Men like him, the article would suggest, weren’t supposed to lose their cool—though it was never specified whether ‘like him’ meant lawyers or something else entirely. But the truth was—as Mr. Richardson recognized—that an angry Asian man didn’t fit the public’s expectations, and was therefore unnerving. Asian men could be socially inept and incompetent and ridiculous, like a Long Duk Dong, or at best unthreatening and slightly buffoonish, like a Jackie Chan. They were not allowed to be angry and articulate and powerful. And possibly right, Mr. Richardson thought uneasily.”

[originalnovelist]

Nobody Knows.

INVOLVED: Samuel Evans and Michelle Pitter. TIME FRAME: Flashback. LOCATION: Michelle’s Home; Los Angeles, California. NOTES: Samuel confides in Michelle like he always does.

Hearing a knock at the door Michelle walked over to it, fresh face, brushed teeth, robe on, hair tied ready to start her day. She was curious to know who could possibly be paying her a visit without a heads-up. She looked out the peephole squinting a bit before she opened the door fully and said “Samuel, what the hell you are doing here boy?”

Samuel waited for the woman to answer and it would be just his damn luck if she didn’t. But she seemed to always be there when he really needed her, she had to be here now, especially now. As she opened the door he sighed relieved because he had nowhere else to go after this. “We have got to talk man” he told her shaking his head. “It’s very important” he added.

Michelle looked at him “come in” she said without hesitation despite the way she initially greeted him “what’s going on?” she asked him looking him over, he was dressed well so he couldn’t be going through too much. “Here give me your backpack” she said as she took it from him moving to place it in a safe place for him while he was there. She joined him in the living room and said, “you hungry?” as she caressed his face. “You want some breakfast?”

Samuel rolled his backpack off letting Michelle have it, he sighed again as he moved to sit on her couch. She had changed some things up a bit since the last time he had been there, but that made perfectly good sense. The business woman had a modern flair about her and the only thing she loved more outside of her actual business was her home, and she always kept it spotless and neat something that he loved because he were the same way. “Sure; you’d cook for me?” he asked with a smirk on his face.

“Oh, stop it” Michelle said nudging him “you know I got you” she winked as she moved to the kitchen. “Come in here, and we can talk” she called out.

Samuel moved into her kitchen, he sat on the bar stool and watched her from behind. “Carla fucked me over” Samuel said finally. “I made the huge mistake of sleeping with her a few months back, Mercedes was pregnant with Mackenna” he sighed. “She uh, she fucking ‘caused a scene…”

“Something that bitch always does” Michelle said, “carry on”.

“Yeah, she caused a scene and I only took Mercedes to the chick’s home to prevent these things from happening. I fucked myself over with that, I didn’t want Mercedes thinking we were doing anything more than co-parenting. I didn’t want to give her any doubts you know, but I wanted my baby, he needs to be around me more” Samuel told her leaning forward elbows pressed into the counter. “She told Mercedes we fucked, well she said it out loud and Mercedes overheard her. She was pissed of course….” he trailed off.

Michelle looked to Samuel having sat out all the things she needed within her cabinets and fridge. She shook her head at Samuel folding her arms over her chest “why in the hell would you do that to Mercedes of all people?” she asked him seriously. “You love her, why would you make that stupid mistake? And with Carla?” she asked him looking at him wildly. “Damn Sam” she said disappointed in the man. “You know Carla does this shit, you knew there was a possibility that she would go back and tell. She has always had this problem with trying to have the one up on bitches, that’s why the skank had it in for me” she told him. “Look, I told you long time ago. I don’t mind the other women, I don’t mind you dipping in and out, I never ever mind Mercedes, ever. But I said you are playing with fire because these women don’t respect the side chick code” she stressed. “You never go back to the woman he wants and fucks him over like that… these bitches messy as fuck. I have known you for years and the only bitch that knows about me is Carl because the bitch is nosey and messy” she told him. “As a matter of fact I know it’s been a while since you fucked her because it’s been a while since I seen you, you dropped me as soon as Mercedes showed and I was fine with that because I know she’s the only woman you love. You know you don’t love those bitches, hell you don’t love me” she said pointing to herself.

“Man, I don’t know why I did the shit. It was not to get back at her or anything. I mean we clashed a bit and I’d just do my own thing but I don’t really know why I went to Carla” Samuel said shaking his own head.

“You do know why, see you give that foreign bitch too much power over you” she told him. “It makes me sick” she said rolling her head and eyes. “Yes, you too were in a bad car accident. Hell, I was there I sent you and the bitch flowers and get well soon cards, okay. I remember” she told him. “You were reckless, y’all were fighting. Next thing you know your car looks like something straight out of a movie, I mean smashed to pieces” Michelle emphasized. “That bitch has been able to play you ever since. You think you owe her something because you made a mistake?” she asked. “Baby boy, you don’t owe Carla nothing, she’s perfectly fine and you are the sick one because of it, not her…”

“She could have died because of me, you don’t think you’d hold on to that. And I was sick, and I was down, and I was out, and she took care of me. She was there every second of every day Michelle I just can’t dismiss that, no matter who or what she did. I don’t like to keep her close, but hell she had to put me back together again and she did it with no complaints” Samuel told her.

“And in your same right you healed her… because you felt guilty. You gave her the home, the keys, the car, the lifestyle. You gave her everything. And she repaid you by burning the shit down?” she asked. “I would never have done you that way” Michelle argued. “She could not be that jealous, I am sorry. I have been fucked by you and was called Mercedes name in the process. And I can still look you in your face. Everyone knows where your heart lies. There is no way that spiteful bitch ever thought she’d win over Mercedes” she said. “That’s facts” she added.

“She’s what I know, we lived together for two going on three years. She filled voids. Mercedes was back and forth, and I grew attached to her. To it. Even when she cheated. Mercedes came back off tour, and she was cheating leading right up to the baby incident. I didn’t believe that bitch at first. Even if she were I knew it wasn’t mine, at first” Samuel said shifting in the seat. “I did not want that on Mercedes plate I’d admit. Plus she had been sleeping with other men, I just knew the bitch was on birth control, there’s no way she didn’t play me at all corners she knew what she were doing” he told her.

“You let her play you…” Michelle said.

“She was my girlfriend” Samuel countered.

“Who had plenty of other boyfriends” Michelle rebuttaled.

“And I had you” Samuel pointed out.

“Touché” Michelle said raising her hands in defense. “But I have always been around, I was the first person you met when you moved here” she told him shrugging. “And not once have I ever made life hard for you, is my point. I don’t want your house, your cars, Mercedes ring, none of it. I know you. I know who you are. I know what you want. And I know who the real love of your life is…” she told him.

“Carla fucked me over and so did Natasha, so I am left with nothing” Samuel said.

“Natasha is married Samuel, you need to figure out who’s child that really is” she said face written with disgust. “I can not believe you betrayed Mercedes like this, look, I know I can’t talk because there are plenty times I fucked you in the cross hairs, none as of late. Not in the last year or so. But either way. I don’t have a say, but I  have to say. One, if you got me pregnant honey that child won’t exist after that pregnancy test. Two, there is no way I was going to play on Mercedes phone or go over to her house about it. Three, I respect her way too much for that. I don’t know much about her, but in some way somehow, that girl manages to soften the strongest and toughest guy I have ever laid eyes on. I was there, during the tears and grief, and the hatred you possessed for her. Somehow, she still won in the end… I know everyone isn’t me but I damn sure don’t see the point of taunting Mercedes” Michelle shrugged again. “I just don’t have that type of energy honey, I am sorry. I sent a gender reveal gift, I sent a baby shower gift, I found the Barbie for Valentine’s day, and I found the car you gave her. That’s the only dipping and dabbing I’ve been doing” she told him matter-of-factly. “Your daughter is gorgeous, you guys make beautiful kids, I was ecstatic she accepted the proposal because you still haven’t gotten over that mess. I thought it was a step in the right direction, however I must have been wrong. Because you still haven’t gotten it yet. Pussy is not everything baby” she told him, “come on you are getting too old for this” she told him.

Samuel looked to Michelle and he sighed, no everyone was not like her. The girl did way more than a side chick should do however always managed to stay in the background of things. She sent more birthday cards to his family and friends for him then anyone else, along with Mercedes she managed to always keep his health on track, when he stayed to long she put his ass out, when he needed guidance she gave it, she was leveled headed. She was always there to catch him right before he fell, but most importantly she let him make his own decisions she never told him what to do, never gave her opinion until it truly mattered. He learned the hard way anyway, there wasn’t much more she could do. “CJ hooked me up with Natasha, I don’t know why I fuck with that dude man…” he said taking his hat off and running his hands through his hair.

“Neither do I. Someone who cheats on his baby’s mother himself, doesn’t seem like the proper influencer” she told him. “You always let him coax you into shit. You getting your dick suck or wet with another bitch to relieve stress or tension is not an excuse. Open your mouth and talk to people like you talk to me. Why must you run to weed and pussy?” she asked him. “You know what don’t answer that, I am going to tell you why. You do it because you aren’t shit just like your daddy ain’t shit” she said. Michelle turned to the stove and begin to cook him breakfast despite her annoyance with him. “Your daddy talk to your mother any kind of way, he cheats, he hits her, the anger that man has built up inside him for God knows why, has trickled right down to all of you. And it’s sad, because your mother doesn’t have to put up with that treatment but she does for whatever crazy ass reason” Michelle said. “You always use to tell me you don’t want to be like him… wake up Sam. You have him beat baby” she said looking back at him.

“Man get that shit out of here, right now” Samuel said. “I am nothing like my father don’t say  shit like that” he said pointing at her as his jaw clenched at the thought. He hates his father with every ounce of his being. He was a true dog, and Samuel had watched his madness and how it affected his mother for years. “I am nothing like him. I would never hit Mercedes, I would never do my children the way he did me. My fucking father hated us, okay, I don’t do that to my kids I love each and every one of them. Take that shit back!” he argued.

“You don’t hit her but you hit everybody else” Michelle said as she moved over to him. “You want to hit me right now, the only difference is, I don’t allow you to treat me the way you do those other bitches. You ain’t never touched me and you won’t” she sneered at him. “You love your kids I know that, but everything else in you is your father” she said poking him in his chest. “Look in the mirror Samuel…” she sighed. “You are nasty Samuel, and you shouldn’t be because you are dying for fuck sakes!” she stressed. “Still on the waiting list for a heart transplant even now, and you have the nerve to go run off the only other person outside of myself that actually cares if you die or not. Carla is going to stomped you down into the grave and Natasha is going to be by her side” she said. “And you know Natasha just after your money, you dumb ass” she barked. “You’re so smart, but you so stupid” she tossed out.

Samuel looked down at the counter and he blinked slowly, the last thing he wanted someone to tell him is that he turned out to be just like his father. That man was garbage and he never liked him, never wanted to be him, and can’t stand him. Licking his lips, he sat there with his hands in his lap until she finished. “Well she’s gone, and she took Mackenna with her”.

“Good, I hope she doesn’t come back until you fix yourself” Michelle said.

“Right” Samuel said with a shake of his head “she might as well, she never loved me like I loved her anyway” he shrugged.

Michelle raised an eyebrow “I don’t know her personally but to be with you is to love you. Because God knows, it takes the heavens to deal with you” she told him. “Stop being dramatic..”

“I was a good fuck nothing more, if she didn’t get pregnant half of this would still be a fantasy” Samuel told Michelle.

“And if that’s true that’s neither here nor there now. She’s out of your hair if you feel that way, take care of your kids and move on” Michelle said easily.

Samuel smacked his teeth, “I want her to love me, I want her to see me” he said.

“See you? Now I know you are being very dramatic” Michelle asked, “what makes you think she doesn’t see you, you’re hard to miss baby?” she said confused. “She sees you and she knows you” she said running her hands through her long weave. “You can’t love and hate someone at the same time. Pick a side” she told him. “You use to cry over this girl, a grown man, as big as you are crying over this girl on my couch” she huffed. “Always wanting to know who could be seducing her and who could be taking your girl. And know you’ve thrown her into a big ass pond full of hungry sharks that will stop at nothing to make her their baby momma too, you a damn fool. Carla will never love you like she will love you, Natasha will never love you like she will love you, I care deeply I want you to succeed, I really truly do, I want you to be happy, because people don’t give you enough credit, man with you when it good it’s so good, you treat a woman like a literal Queen, but even I know that. I will never love you more than she will” she told him truthfully. “It just ain’t gonna happen baby”. She rested her hand on his back “she only dealt with you for this long because she has guilty of her own doings, but make no mistake, you’ve lost her because you’ve caused her to probably lose her damn self in you. And by damn, that’s the worst thing you could make a woman realize. The moment I woke up and said to myself this ass is really making me fall in love with the thought of him, I had to drop you, because I know you’d never be mine and I’d only play myself in the end…” she looked at him in his face, grabbing it she turned him to look at her and she said “leave her alone…. because you were sloppy, how I don’t know but you were. And you don’t really love her. Love would’ve kept your ass right at home.”

“I did not try to hurt her, I did not...” Samuel said as he gazed into her colored eyes. “I did not” he said again even as his glossed over.

“But you did” Michelle said softly. “You did, that’s exactly what you did. You hurt her” she told him.

“So now I’m left with nothing. I don’t have my child. I don’t have her and then there Carla and Natasha?” Samuel  asked.

“Don’t worry about Carla or Natasha, I have that handled. You just need to worry about yourself and being a great father to your kids. Even if you aren’t close to her you can still do plenty for Macky” Michelle said. “That is YOUR baby” she said “that’s something Mercedes can NOT take away from you. And if she tried she’s going to have to see me about that honey, because you are an amazing dad. And that’s what separates you from your own” she consoled. “You were destined to be this man the second the doctor told your mother it was a boy. Your mother should have protected you guys from him. Instead she chose not to” she sighed. “I wish I could say you could be a better man then the one that you are now, but I don’t really know if that’s true. With CJ, your guilt, your hate, and your father still being a dark cloud in your life… I mean. Could I really ask you to be better when there's chaos all around you every day?” she said sucking her teeth. “Either way, you are the you that you are, like it or leave it. She left it, so you have to like it. Accept it and move on. Change or stay the same. Endure or fall back, that’s your choice to make. I can’t make it for you” she said. “But change who you are for someone else? I won’t ask you to do that, the same qualities that people hate about you are the same ones that attract them too you and I be damn if I become a hypocrite. I love your rough and soft edges” she smiled. “You make mistakes, and no one is perfect. Someone needs to guide you and show you the way. They rather leave you out there to hang and dry. I’ve never been that chick. You gave the first ten-thousand-dollars it took to start my business. And what did I do, I repaid you by making a name for myself. I’ve never needed you, I’ve always appreciated what you’ve done for me, we had great times, great laughs, horrible fights, cries, the works. You’d leave me for her and the next chick. And I could never say or do anything, because you only do what a bitch will allow you to. I allowed you to be free. And so have others… they have to reap the consequences of it. And they have clearly. And with doing what you’ve done, you need to ask yourself do you like the person you see or not. Did you like that freedom? Did you like how the pain looked on her face? Did you like her tears, her confusion, her frustration? Then ask yourself would you do it to the next woman?” she said smartly. “I love the you that you are, I just didn’t love him enough to hurt myself. You know this. Now that you have this information what are you going to do now? Because you can’t have it all… you could have whatever you want. You could still run these streets, or you could become the man I know you could be… that’s your decision to make Samuel. Don’t let someone make it for you. Don’t make someone push to have to” she sighed. “Your writing, makes you happy. Get back to that and figure somethings out. Maybe it will hit you that you’ve never truly loved her, never truly wanted her, just was being selfish, and that there’s a girl that’s meant to be with you somewhere out there, she may be a blessing to fall down upon you from God himself.”

[marvelleous]

i want you forever (right here by my side) - chapter three

summary: Phil Coulson and Melinda May. Their story, from the very first day. notes: i wanted to thank everyone who commented on the last two chapters! you guys are awesome :) thank you to @agentsphilinda​, @marcuskaen​ and @anarchycox​ for looking over this one for me!

songspiration: darling i’m a mess by sabrina carpenter

read on AO3

Previous Chapter

Phil loses his first team member to a rogue sniper in December of 1992.

He knows in hindsight that he should have seen it coming - they even had a class about dealing with the loss of one’s team mate or partner at the Academy. An hour long session every two weeks preparing them for the pain and loss they might have to experience in the future; teaching them the best methods of dealing with it, of coping. In their line of work - death is inevitable - but he doesn’t expect it to happen so suddenly, or hit so close to home. He’s lost people before, his father, his mother. But this time it’s different - this time that there is someone he can blame.

Himself.

He had designed this operation, had handled it from the very beginning. Every single detail had been mapped out by him; he’d been meticulous, organised. It was a level one mission, easy, simple, a milk run for the two level four specialists who had been assigned to his team.

It should have been a piece of cake; one last mission before everyone headed home for the holidays.

Phil has been in charge of half a dozen operations more difficult that this one, all with more danger, more risk. This was supposed to have been a basic retrieval op; two specialists, one to go in, and one to watch the other’s back. They had orders to drop and swap intel, and then get the hell out before they could be discovered.

It should have been smooth sailing.

But they had failed.

And now a good agent is dead.

Phil meets Agents Claire Matthews and Thomas Chan two weeks before their first and only mission together, at a field office in Seattle. He’s been a “fully fledged” field agent for nearly two and a half years, and has had a mission success rate of one hundred percent. He knows that the two level four specialists have been assigned to his team to give him a recommendation for promotion to a Level Two clearance, if all should go well.

He stresses and frets about their assessment in the days leading up to meeting the pair, but the moment he does, his worries are gone.

At his base in New York, Phil doesn’t have much of a chance to interact with higher level agents - they’re mostly level ones and twos who work together on low risk missions and occasionally deal with setup or clean up. Fury is level six, but he also first met the man after confronting him for being a stalker outside a convenience store, so he really doesn’t feel quite the same vibe from the guy. Two unknown specialists though - the prospect of meeting them gives him so much anxiety that he can barely sleep the night before.

In some ways, they are nothing like what he’s been expecting.

Physically they look like most other specialists Phil remembers from the Academy and occasionally encounters on missions. Agent Chan is very tall, muscled, and seeing him in his official uniform makes Phil question why S.H.I.E.L.D. trained guys like him when they could have men like that. Agent Matthews is a little shorter, leaner, but Phil has never underestimated the strength of a woman, and he feels a small swell of pity for anyone who might make such an idiotic mistake.

Personality wise… Phil doesn’t know how to react when Agent Chan manages to crack six jokes in the span of five minutes, and Agent Matthews just stands there beside him with an almost unsettling smirk each time a punchline is thrown into the air. His first reaction is to laugh - which is what Agent Chan appears to specialise in, but then again, he’s not sure whether the man’s jokes are meant to be funny, or if they’re some sort of inside reference meant only for Agent Matthews and that they’re purposely messing with him.

His internal conflict over the matter is quickly resolved however, when Agent Matthews makes a comment about the weather outside - there’s a blizzard - and Agent Chan drapes his arm over her shoulder, angling his fingers to tug at the end of her ponytail.

“Hey Claire, what do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?”

Phil watches with uncertainty as the question hangs in the silence for a moment, before Agent Matthews elbows Agent Chan sharply in the ribs with a huff.

“Frostbite. You get frostbite when you cross a snowman with a vampire. You told me that in Switzerland last month when we were buried in six feet of snow.”

Agent Chan doubles over in laughter, drawing attention from all the other agents at their desks, as Agent Matthews rolls her eyes at him and claps him none too softly across the back of his head. Phil stands opposite them, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck and maybe his confusion is really obvious, because the pair seem to take pity on him - at least Agent Matthews does - because she grabs Agent Chan by the arm and begins to escort him out of the room, waving for Phil to follow.

He can hear the snickers from behind him as he hurries to follow the specialists - he thinks that working with them for the next few weeks might not be so bad. They seem to be easy going enough and clearly work well together. And Agent Chan did have some pretty good jokes. He hopes that maybe he can even try a few himself. It would be nice to have someone around who could appreciate his humour.

Phil has always been a very observant person. He prefers to stand in the shadows and watch the interactions of others over making a point to participate. His training at the Communications Academy had only reinforced this - you could learn so much about a person just by studying their movements, facial expressions, reactions to things. All agents, from those in administration to their tactical teams had the ability to conceal their basic emotions to a certain degree, even from each other - but this was one area where his skills exceeded expectations. It was his job to learn everything he could about a person just by looking at them.

And in the three days he’s worked with Agent Chan and Agent Matthews, he’s learned much.

Agent Chan is very talkative. Likes to make friendly conversation with whoever he can, likes to “get to know” other people. He jokes around, can find something hilarious in just about any situation. Phil thinks that it might be a coping mechanism, to make light of unfortunate situations, to find hope even in the worst scenarios. But despite all the smiles, Agent Chan is also very quick to anger - there might be some underlying issues there. He’s a man with many emotions - Phil sees this first hand when attending one of their training sessions to scope out their skills. The files had a comprehensive list - but seeing it for himself made all the difference in the world.

Agent Matthews is a very attractive woman - only an idiot would deny that. She could easily pass for a model or an actress, but Phil thought her skills were much more impressive than her appearance. He had always known that female field agents and specialists were often disregarded by the more close minded. He saw it for himself from time to time. He never had to intervene; those imbeciles usually scurried away with their tail between their legs and blood pouring from their noses.

Phil is in one of the training rooms, watching the specialists hone their skills, when a pair of Level Two field agents begin to stir up trouble - snickering to one another in a way that he knows means trouble is coming.

“Look at Barbie’s legs, wonder what they’d look like wrapped around -”

The man, Agent Landon, doesn’t have the opportunity to finish his remark, because before Phil even has a chance to react, Agent Chan has the guy pinned up against the wall, arm at his throat, holding him up so his feet are dangling, unable to reach the ground.

As much as Phil might enjoy seeing a sleazebag who would make such comments pummeled into the ground, he’d hate to lose his specialist for his next mission, and decides it’s probably for the best that he try to intervene. He doesn’t have much standing as a Level One, but he might be able to talk some sense into Agent Chan. He can’t hear what the specialist is whispering, but from the look on the other guy’s face, Phil’s guessing that the words are none too pretty. He’s halfway across the room when Agent Matthews beats him to the punch, running over to her partner and placating him with a hand on his elbow. Phil is not even sure that words are exchanged between the two, but then Agent Chan slowly lowers the guy to the ground, holding him against the wall for a moment longer, before drawing his arm back and breaking Agent Landon’s nose with a sickening crack.

Agent Landon’s buddy scurries forward and grabs him by the arm, presumably dragging him off to medical, and Agent Chan is shaking his fist, opening and closing his hand with a grimace. Phil takes a step back, unsure of how to handle this situation, scratching the back of his head for a moment before making the decision to let them handle it themselves. There’s not much he can do but sit back and watch at this point.

Agent Matthews drops down onto the mats, pulling Agent Chan with her and begins to inspect his hand. Phil can’t hear what they’re saying; this would be a convenient time to have super hearing to be honest, but they both look pissed even as she runs gentle fingers over his bruised knuckles. He’s pretty adept at lip reading, but that is a skill that is not really required in this particular situation - Agent Matthews is clearly angry that Agent Chan defended her, lost his temper, and nearly smashed a colleagues face in, and Agent Chan is clearly annoyed but also ashamed of how he handled the situation.

Their frowns eventually morph into smiles as they speak - and not for the first time, Phil questions the relationship between the two specialists. S.H.I.E.L.D. has it’s protocols, but no rules that people aren’t willing to break, for a good enough reason. Plenty of agents are in relationships with coworkers - but most aren’t involved with those that they actively work with. It makes for too many distractions in the field, especially when you are too busy watching your partner’s back to focus on the mission.

The logical part of him thinks that it’s too dangerous, too risky. They already put their lives on the line out there - it’s too easy to be distracted, lose focus and put others in danger.

The still hopeful part of him thinks that a love like that may be the best kind of love there is. Committed to the cause, committed to your partner. Out there fighting together, having someone by your side who means everything to you. The closest to a normal life a field agent like him will probably ever get.

He doesn’t see it happening.

But that doesn’t stop him from wanting it.

Phil likes the S.H.I.E.L.D. van. He really does. It has heating, video surveillance from the forty best vantage points - thanks to the tech patching them through back at the nearest base, and is basically a glorified metal can to hold their gear and keep him from getting shot at. And so he sits back and watches the fuzzy feeds, a standard issued bullet-proof vest over his suit and tie, and a gun in it’s holster, ready to act if need be.

Once Agent Matthews returns with the intel, she’ll be picked up by another car, driven by a field agent that had joined their team last week. Phil would wait for the all clear, before giving Agent Chan the signal to leave his post, and they would take a second path back to their safe house and wait it out for a day before heading back to base. He has it all planned out to the very last detail - even choosing Agent Matthews’ outfit for the evening himself.

She had taken one look at the gown and shoes and snorted, enough to voice her disdain but kind enough to not comment out loud and really hurt Phil’s feelings. Even when she had changed at the safe house, modelling the dress for them, she had done so with an expression of displeasure, only smiling once Agent Chan had moved over to her, tugging on a stray curl and whispering something in her ear. Phil had felt his face redden at the display, still not entirely sure of the relationship between the two. He had closed his eyes for a moment, rubbing his forehead with the heel of his hand, and when he opened his eyes again, Agent Matthews and Chan were back to business, disassembling rifles beside him.

He can see Agent Matthews now too, in several of the videos on the tiny screens on one wall of the van. She’s moving around at the party, making small talk with all the right people before she goes in to retrieve the intel. Phil can only faintly hear the noise of the party, her voice and laughter drowning most of it out of the surrounding sound. In contrast, Agent Chan is completely unseen - he’s on the rooftop of the neighbouring building, positioned so that no one can get a glimpse - if S.H.I.E.L.D. has surveillance, there is no telling who might have it too. It’s not a risk Phil is willing to take just to keep an eye on a Level 4 specialist who can take care of himself.

Agent Matthews makes a comment about it to him, saying she respects his way of thinking, but that she’d prefer that he reconsidered.

He stands by his decision.

It soon becomes his biggest regret.

“Eagle is in the hutch. I’m on my way out.”

“Copy that.”

Phil tracks Agent Matthews’ movements through the different monitors as she makes her exit, slow enough as to not arouse suspicion, but fast enough to escape before discovery. She is in the doorway of the building when the chaos begins.

“Hey Claire. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?”

Phil can actually see Agent Matthews roll her eyes, even through the less than quality black and white image, and he can definitely hear the huff of annoyance she lets out.

“Really?”

“He let out a little -”

His words cut off there, the same moment a loud bang echoes through the night, and Phil can hear Agent Matthews’ scream, see a blur falling through the air, before the exact moment of impact.

The van shakes with it.

He can see the crumpled form of Agent Chan’s body, the front half hanging into the driver’s seat through the smashed windshield from eight different angles on his wall of surveillance.

Phil forces himself to take a deep breath, clenches his hands into fists to try and stop them from shaking as he jumps straight to “Plan F” - the last resort.

“Agent Sutton, we need evac. I’m calling in the clean up crew.”

He shoves the radio back into his pocket, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair and slams his hand against the “use only in the case of emergencies” button, before slipping out the back door, shutting it with a quiet bang.

They have five minutes before the van blows.

The ride back to base is quite possibly the most uncomfortable Phil has ever experienced. He’s sitting in the front with Agent Sutton, whose knuckles are white from how tightly she is gripping the steering wheel.

They can both hear the sounds of Agent Matthews’ cries.

Phil had offered to let her sit up front - he could keep an eye on the body. See up close the outcome of his failures. She had screamed when they tried to pull her away from Agent Chan, completely in hysterics, and they’d had no choice but to let her stay put, half lying on top of his broken body.

Her silver gown must be stained with blood now.

Just like his hands.

He doesn’t think any amount of scrubbing will wash it away.

They don’t speak again, not properly, until two days later, sitting opposite one another in the back of a jet flying them to Minnesota. He doesn’t know how to broach the subject - How does one apologise for killing someone’s partner?

He doesn’t have to.

“Thank you for saving my life, Phil.”

He looks up to meet her gaze, her eyes are red, he thinks that she probably hasn’t stopped crying since the incident, but he can see that her words are sincere. He must look confused, because she continues, voice cracking a little as she speaks.

“You reacted quickly. Got us out of there before any more damage could be done. If it weren’t for you, I’d be dead too.”

He opens his mouth to respond, but the words just don’t come. He… he wants nothing more that to say sorry. Express his regret. If only he had listened to her, kept a closer eye on things. Agent Chan would still be alive. They wouldn’t be flying over to break the news to his family.

Tell them someone they loved was now dead.

Agent Matthews had insisted on going alone, but Phil was responsible, and he had to be there. To say sorry. To give her someone to lean on if they didn’t take the information well. He’s never done this before, but he expects it’ll be a common occurrence in the future.

He stays quiet because he doesn’t think she wants to talk - she didn’t say much in the two weeks he had known her - Agent Chan… he had done most of the talking. But now that he’s gone, there’s an uncomfortable silence that she clearly feels the need to fill.

He’s glad. The therapist he had sat down with for an hour yesterday had said talking about things is a way of coping. That for some, it’s cathartic. He… he really hasn’t been able to speak about his experiences yet. So all he can do is listen.

“We met first year, at the Academy. I dislocated his jaw when we sparred, and the next thing I knew, I had a best friend. He loved to joke around, talked so much that sometimes I wanted to tape his mouth shut. But what I’d give now just to hear one of his stupid jokes again.”

Phil thinks that he understands. He doesn’t have a best friend, a partner, but when Agent Matthews describes her relationship with Agent Chan, he can’t help but think about May, think about their brief but memorable moments together, think about how he might feel if she was dead.

It was not something he wanted to linger on his mind.

He’s memorised their files. They’ve been partners since their graduation in 1984. Losing your best friend of more than ten years… he thinks back to how he was when his mother passed… feels an overwhelming sadness that time can only try to heal.

The pain never really goes away.

It’s December 23rd.

The significance of the date doesn’t click in Phil’s mind until he’s in the car with Agent Matthews, and he stares out at the world from his passenger side window.

There’s only two sleeps until Christmas.

The whole city is covered in a thick blanket of snow, the air is heavy with the falling flakes. The sun has already set for the day, and the streets are sparkling with lights; every house they pass is extravagantly decorated.

Phil sees Santa, his reindeer, and various other Christmas themed structures, all decorations that bring him back to his childhood in Wisconsin and climbing up onto the roof with his father to string lights around. He almost loses himself in the feeling of it - he hasn’t celebrated properly since his mother’s death. There had been Christmas during fourth year at the Academy where Garrett had gotten so drunk he’d publicly urinated all over the side of their dorm building. That was a funny, if disturbing, memory.

The car begins to slow down at the end of the street, and Phil doesn’t even have to ask to know which house belongs to the family of Agent Chan.

Season’s Greetings is written in multi-coloured lights across the roof, and there are a giant pair of salt and pepper shakers, wrapped with white string lights sitting on the front lawn. Agent Matthews parks by the curb where the snow had likely been cleared earlier in the day, and he can see her out of the corner of his eye, just sitting there, breathing in and out. He reaches over and softly pats her arm, and she forces a smile, nodding a few times, before undoing her seatbelt and opening up the door.

They walk up the paved pathway together in complete silence. Phil can almost smell the dinner cooking inside, hear the carols playing. What a way to spend Christmas. He hangs back, standing behind Agent Matthews as she goes to ring the doorbell. A robotic Jingle Bells chimes out - someone must have changed it for the holidays, and moments later, the door swings open, and Phil is greeted with the sight of a woman in a hideous Christmas sweater and a wide smile on her face, one that fades as soon as she recognises who in fact it is on her doorstep.

She doesn’t say another word, just opens the door and gestures for them to come in. Agent Matthews follows the woman into the kitchen, and gestures for Phil to stay back, so he’s left standing awkwardly in the front foyer, checking out his surroundings. This house feels like home. There is a Christmas tree set up in the sitting room - he can only see about a quarter of it from where he is - and photos line the walls. There’s several of Agent Chan and the woman, who Phil realises now must be his significant other. And he had been so sure too… about Agent Chan and Agent Matthews…

His thoughts are interrupted by the pitter patter of tiny feet, and he sees a little girl standing at the bottom of the stairs, in an equally horrible Christmas sweater, a teddy bear in her arms and an expression of curiosity.

“Where’s Daddy?” she asks him in her high pitched voice and Phil’s heart breaks as he hears the gut wrenching sobs coming from the kitchen.

His mistakes had torn a partnership apart. Torn a family apart. There was a woman who would never get her husband back, a little girl who would wonder why Daddy hadn’t come home for Christmas.

He tries to fall asleep later that evening, lying in bed at the crappy motel room S.H.I.E.L.D. had found for them last minute, but all he can see is Agent Chan’s body lying there, bones shattered, bullet in his skull, blood everywhere.

It turns out he’s not the only one who can’t sleep when Agent Matthews shows up at his room well past midnight, a bottle of cheap tequila in one hand and they drink their worries away. Phil doesn’t remember much of what happened that night, only that his dreams had been empty.

When he wakes up the next day, Agent Matthews is sitting cross-legged on the other side of his bed, filling in a mission report. She passes him lukewarm coffee in a styrofoam cup, probably from the vending machine in the hallway, and they’re silent as he slowly sobers up. She hands him the report when she’s finished with it, and pats his bare shoulder with a small smile.

“Thanks for being there for me. I really needed that. We’re flying back out in two hours, so you’ll have plenty of time to get ready.”

His eyes follow her until she leaves the room, and then he flops back against the lumpy pillow hands covering his face, hiding his expression from nobody.

Phil returns to New York a week later, and his body is close to shutting down from lack of sleep. He can’t eat without feeling nauseous, can’t even close his eyes without the sound of screaming in his ears, the smell of blood surrounding him, the image of his fallen comrade ingrained into his memory.

He has a week and a half of mandated time off to “recover” for the ordeal, but he can’t help but drop in to work and pick a few things up from his desk - straighten things out before he confines himself to his tiny S.H.I.E.L.D. apartment for the next nine days. He sneaks in at three in the morning, shortly after his jet touches down, and expects to find the office empty - it’s technically New Year’s Day and everyone else is off celebrating.

He doesn’t have much to be positive about.

Until he finds his office chair occupied by the one person he is least prepared to see.

Melinda May.

She’s lounging in his seat, her feet up on his desk, and he’s pretty sure she’s combing through one of his mission files. She smirks when she sees him approaching, and he sits down on the edge of his desk, opposite her, swatting at her legs.

“Boots off the table.”

She snorts, rolling her eyes and begins to move, but instead of just lowering her feet to the ground like he’d expected, she pushes off and sends herself flying backwards into the desk behind her.

“All commanding now that you’re Level Two, Agent Coulson,” she quips, waving the file in the air with a smirk. He snatches it out of her grip and drops it back onto his desk, trying to mask his surprise with annoyance.

He had not expected a good recommendation. Not after what had happened.

“If I’m Level Two then you don’t have clearance to read that file, Agent May.”

“Shiny new promotion and already pulling rank. And to think I came all the way out to pay you a visit.”

She’s teasing him now, giving him a cheeky grin that has him wanting to smile for the first time in a week.

“What you doing here anyway? I’m not supposed to be back in till the 10th.”

It’s three hours past New Year’s Eve and the closest person he has to a friend is paying him a visit instead of doing whatever else it was she could be. He should be grateful to see her, but he can’t quite figure out what possessed her to turn up and wait for him in his deserted office.

“We have a mission at the end of the month to start thinking about. After your break of course.”

He nods slowly. Just thinking about another operation is enough to give him a headache. But at least with May around, he thinks it’ll be enjoyable enough. He sighs, glancing at the stack of files on his desk. The recommendation May had been reading is sitting at the top. He had been rewarded, despite his failures.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, and he knows that it’s her way of comforting him. She doesn’t know why he’s upset; the official reports have yet to be submitted. She probably thinks that he’s just stressed and feeling alone in the holiday season.

Most people didn’t know it about her, but Melinda May always put others before herself.

“I like to think I know you pretty well. Heard you’d be back in town today; had a feeling you’d be here. Plus, my date was a total bust. Thought I might spend the first day of the New Year in better company, seeing as I’m stuck with my mother for the next week.”

He really smiles this time.

Maybe he can have one more night of peaceful sleep before the nightmares return again to haunt him. He has an appointment with another therapist in a few days time; he thinks he can hold it in till then. He hopes they clear him for active duty after the psyche evaluation.

He’s looking forward to working with May again.

He’s also terrified that he might fail again.

[its--this]

its a long Boi cuz it’s my whole life

People will see this which is what I want

And nobody will tell me what they think

Which is what I want

Because what I think about my experience, my emotions, how I’ve felt through these years, how it’s affected me, is what is real. It’s fact. Nobody can tell me otherwise because nobody else has felt what I’m feeling and what I’ve felt.

But they still do. And these stories, emotions, psychological damage, are immediately extinguished. I’m swimming in a fish bowl. Around and around, in my own place, while everyone else lives outside it. I try to tell them about it. They say they don’t see it. They say that it’s probably not a fish bowl. It’s not water. So I should just breathe.

I don’t need anyone to fix it. It can’t be fixed. Only left behind.

I just need someone to see it. I’m using this as storage purposes, as some memories are fading, but of course, the effects are concrete.

I don’t hate everything I just feel everything and you don’t wanna hear it.

My sister comes to mind first. She made things worse. Made home into house.

But if we’re gonna go back, might as well go back to the start.

I’ve been an outsider ever since I can remember. I thought I was an age thing but it still happens to this day. I was always left out of games and other activities my cousins and sisters did together. That was the earliest I remember noticing the sinking feeling of betrayal/abandonment/outsiderness whatever it is in my chest. I was like 6 or 7. I remember the clothes I had on. And what will become a common theme throughout my life, the adults took no care towards me being upset. It’s not like I went to them to force my cousins to let me join, I was just upset and needed comfort while I rode it out. But I was a nuisance. I ended up crying in my room alone, to which a few cousins enter, call me attention seeking, and turned the light off leaving me in the pitch black. Being a young kid, that’s a terrifying thing, and I was already messed up that night.

I remember having such a bad relationship with my cousins that one year I decided “I’m going to start fresh, I’ll apologise (because I thought I was at fault, and I guess you’ll have to trust me that I was innocent here), I’ll start up again with a new friendliness” I even had outfits planned for the big moments of apologising and whatever else I had planned to do. Obviously it didn’t work. I was 9, wanted to wear my favourite pink skirt. Had like a barbie soundtrack to the whole thing. That Christmas was the worst of it. Again, I was simply not wanted around. Of course, I was upset, and again, the adults had no care, I vaugely remember my mum telling me to stop/quit it/shut up, something along those lines. So I went to find a little place to cry in by myself. Only to be tracked by the cousins and my sister so they could make fun of my crying and me being upset. I don’t like looking at the photos of that year. I think of it as the starting point of all that went wrong.

In these times I was always called a loud mouth by my family, they didn’t like me talking. When I was around 13 I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Whenever I tried to speak, nobody would listen, and new conversations were begun, or nobody would reply/give acknowledgement to what I said. I remember the specific moment I decided I’d stop trying. So I stopped talking. Became kinda lifeless. Got very sad. I remember telling myself to “hold it back, it doesn’t matter what you have to say, nobody wants to hear it”. I wouldn’t try to start conversations or contribute to them. I’d only speak to answer questions I was asked directly. If I didn’t I’d get in trouble. I stopped talking for two years. I couldn’t talk to anyone except one person. And in grade 8 my reputation was established as a weird outsider. Though I never did or acted strange, I was only quiet and extremely nervous, nobody, for some reason, wanted me around. I was always the one kid who had to do pair activities in pe with the teacher. I told my parents I thought I had social anxiety. I was laughed at for “self diagnosing”. My fingerless gloves became my blanket, and I’m still deeply attached to them 5 years later. I start writing in a book called hungry.

I was bullied that year for asking some girls to move out of my seat, politely, quietly, because that’s the only spot I felt comfortable sitting in the room. Every time the teacher would ask a question they would loudly tell her they weren’t comfortable with it. Happened in the halls. I would sob in the shower to the tune of flipside by Lana Del Rey. On that note, personal hygiene took a massive dip. Has still barely recovered.

That year I also was by fate, appointed the task of keeping my best friend alive. With some literal sense, I was feeding some of my sanity and well-being to her to keep her here. I would wake up each day wondering if she was still alive. I would have panic attacks at night. I plunged further into sadness and anxiety. I watched her bleed on valentines. I don’t think about valentines anymore. I did my job, she’s still alive today but still not living. It’s not my problem anymore though.

I also gave myself deep, traumatising memories that year. Not explaining.

During my time of not speaking, my mind opened up to the world. I would see things that you would usually miss in the buzz and the flow of ‘regular’ ‘normal’ life. I was on a whole other track. I learned an appreciation for everything that was around me. The small details of it all. My mind opened up in a way that others never will.

In 2015 I started to doubt my existence. I literally thought I didn’t exist, because my friend group would always make plans without me while standing right in front of me, would just start walking somewhere and leave me behind, and my best friend was replacing me. Home life started to get worse. My little sister would bully me constantly. Physically and emotionally. She would insult everything. My room, face, hair, clothes, friends, the way I talk, my nose, everything. She would constantly tell me that if I looked a certain way that I’d have friends. She would constantly tell me that I was so ugly nobody would ever love me and that everyone around me, including my parents, were faking it. At this time my relationship with my parents was fading anyways. I trusted them less and less. Particularly my mum as my dad was always away with job stuff, and never really handled kid matters anyways. My sister would always shove me into things as she walked past me. Or if I wanted to enter a room or open a door, or the fridge or whatever, she’d rush over and push in front of me before I could and open it herself for no reason while taking a long time. To get me frustrated. Small things like that. She figured out I hated feet. Would always put hers all over me. She still does. She figured out the sounds I hated. The sounds that make me twitch and want to scratch my face off when I hear, and always leave me in a sobbing mess because I can’t handle the irritation. It was torture. Each time I went to my mum to get her to handle it, I was dismissed, and was treated like a nuisance. I was getting in her way, and my problem was interrupting her funny Facebook video. The harassment continued. It still does.

Consequently, she grew to have no remorse for what her behaviour did to others. I would just sob in my room for a few hours each day as they grew worse and worse, feeling the most unbearable betrayal as my mum would let these things happen to me, even as she watched them happen. She never got as much as a “don’t do that” from my mum. She still did it. She disrespected everything I owned. My bath towel would be hanging in the bathroom, on the towel rack, where it belongs, on the rack that was specifically installed and made for that exact use, in that exact place, and it would always be COVERED in toothpaste marks. My sister would constantly wipe her grotty face all over it when she brushed her teeth. My mum told me that it’s my fault because I hang my towel there, and that I shouldn’t. Same goes with food. Bought myself some chocolate, put it in the fridge, sister ate it, Mum tells me that I shouldn’t have put it in the fridge. Sister has no remorse. Because she never had any consequences. My mum wonders why she always goes out getting drunk in the streets and doing drugs every weekend nowadays. (she’s 16.). One day I will tell her that it’s because she never had any consequences. Maybe I am the way I am because my consequences were psychological.

I grew around my mothers anger. Nothing was ever her fault. Each time she was angry, I would get an instant panic attack, and have to quietly sob to myself while I waited for her to be finished. If she saw my tears she would yell at me, asking me why I’m upset. I once told her my belongings weren’t respected, were stolen, misused etc. she got angry at me and told me “well my house isn’t respected so suck it up (your problem doesn’t matter because I’ve just one upped you and that one up is your fault)” (typical teenage messes, not like we were tagging walls and smashing windows, the house was fundamentally and normally fine.) so I’ve grown to become very protective over my things. I don’t like it. It hurts relationships.

I hated coming home.

Late 2015 a girl in my school died. She tried to hang herself in the school and died later on in hospital with family by her side. It was a slap in the face how quickly and easily I could lose my best friend. It was a dark day.

In 2016 I broke up with my best friend. She was taking too much of a toll on me. She was spreading rumours, and wasn’t a friend at all. I was alone now, because the other friends that were left weren’t really my friends. They were more friends with each other. That summer I spent three months inside. I didn’t go out. I sat alone on New Years sobbing. They would always make plans without me and I would only find out through their Snapchat stories. I confronted them about it. They just didn’t want me around, so they turned around the blame on me somehow. They would always talk about how annoying I was for complaining about being left out. So I stopped and just suffered the hurt.

My mum gets angrier. My sister continues the harassment. I stand in school and watch as the car comes towards me. It means I have to go home. I don’t want to. I’m too sad there. I get no respect there.

My mum calls me disgusting, dirty, and publicly shames me. She doesn’t realise these are symptoms. She doesn’t care that I know, and hate myself for it. I know I need therapy. I desperately need help. But I can’t get it. Because if she knew, it’d be a new weapon against me. Actually, I tried asking once, she denied anything was happening. I never asked again.

I call my sister out for being a bully. The whole house gangs up on me and tells me that I’m actually the bully for calling her out. Each time I try to speak out they just laugh. They don’t take it seriously. They don’t believe me. I wanted to die. I thought I couldn’t last the three or four years it would be until I could escape them, I thought I’d die before then. I learned how to hold back everything. It only further made them not believe me. They didn’t see any ‘evidence’. Though if they did, it’d be more fuel for the fire they held me in. I have no more relationship with my parents. Or my siblings. I don’t understand how family can ‘love’ each other. I cry when I see it’s not fiction. I wish it was different.

2017 was the lowest. Emotional trauma I didn’t realise how bad it was until I tried to remember the events that year, and completely forgot the biggest one, the one where I was so close to dying. I was completely alone that year. My friends had fully deserted me. My partner left. I was face to face and fully immersed, living, breathing my worst worst fear and I was so fucking scared to live. I will never forget the sheer terror and fear I felt in those months. I was so powerless. I had anxiety before this. I had depression before this. This was just the snap. I lost 5 kgs. I was only 45kgs before. I slept through New Years.

My sisters attitude gets worse. She continues to emotionally bully me. My mum continues to ignore me. Blames me for things. Makes my anxiety and depression worse as a whole. My hair starts falling out. I don’t know why. Mum yells at me because it’s all over the place. It just falls out. My sister is babied for things my mum refuses to acknowledge in me, therefore I have to put up with without any assistance. I learn to survive on my own. I accept that I will always be on my own, no matter what. I don’t trust people. I don’t think I ever will. I still brace myself for impact whenever my sister walks behind me when I’m sitting down (she used to just forcefully push my head forwards). I tell my mum that I don’t like her touching me (she would always grab my butt or just brush my arm, normal things yes but I didn’t like them). She tells me that she can do what she wants with me, because she ‘made me’ I tell her that I am my own human and she has no right to go against my wishes for my body. She tells me I am not my own, I am hers and I have no rights and she can do what she wants whenever. She gets mad at me for not telling her what my doctors appointments are about. I don’t know why but somewhere I developed a hate for hugs. But only from specific people, my family. I hate the hugs from them. I cringe at the thought. Now I hate being touched.

2018 I get a job. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me. It’s changed me so positively. I’ve met amazing, actual humans through it. I’m doing nightfall. My days start at 7 am for school, and end at 10 pm after work. I get about an hour break all together in the day. My mum tells me that she hates picking me up because she has to stay up until 10. I tell her that I too have the same hours of the day as her, except in the five hours that I’m working, lifting boxes, working up a sweat, serving customers on my feet the whole time, she’s sitting at home on a couch eating a full meal while I’m having a snickers for dinner or on numerous occasions, just water. I also have to keep up with study and assignments (I have no idea at all how I managed to pull this off and I’m impressed with myself). She doesn’t accept this. Insists her situation is worse. I get no sympathy, not even acceptance. She makes it out like I just insulted her.

I really need extra time on exams. I know I qualify, but it needs a doctor note. I can only get that through mum. So I don’t get one. My grades take a hit. I cry at New Years. Not because I’m sad. But because I’m not dead. I’m surprised and glad that I’m alive.

2019 and the people I’m close to make fun of how I’m feeling. They don’t understand that friends shouldn’t make me feel this way. I call out my older sister for only having negative things to say about me, dragging me down with every word I say. She tries to flip the blame on me. “Well actually you’re so negative about everything”. Doesn’t make your critising any different girl. Everything I do is met with scruitiny. I learn I can’t open up with them like I thought i could. So I seal that forever. I don’t go back.

While the living situation is still the same, I am different. I’m still waiting to get out of here. It’ll happen one day.

Now this is where people will tell me that it isn’t that bad. It isn’t emotional abuse. It’s just what everyone experiences. It’s ‘normal’ family stuff.

But they haven’t feltwhat I felt. They didn’t live through it. They didn’t take the psychological hit. I have so many issues and problems with the way my brain was structured around this living situation. I wanted to kill myself because of their behaviour towards me. That’s not normal.

I don’t tell people any of this because of that. I don’t even want to tell my partner.

They’ll just tell me it doesn’t matter. My psych did. Just told me that I’m too sensitive. All I want is validation. I want someone to look at it and say yes, you went through that. Yes, it’s not normal at all, yes it’s okay you feel that way. I don’t feel I will ever get it. I’m too scared to say it. I’m too scared to hear what I know they’ll say. I’m scared of how it’ll effect me.

[theplaymakerz]

Money In The Bank Review

Father’s Day in Chicago, Illinois was a treat for all the for that were in attendance for WWE Money in the Bank last night. It has been seven years since Money in the Bank was held in Chicago inside the Allstate Arena in 2011. That year the main event featured John Cena defending the WWE Championship against Chicago native, CM Punk. Punk would defeat Cena in what was Punk’ s “last day” in WWE weeks after Punk’s famous pipe bomb promo on RAW. 

Now to last night’s action. Five titles were defended including one being on the Kickoff Show. There were two Money in the Bank Ladder Matches featuring male superstars and female superstars and three matches that involve rivals. Each match last night built off each other, making Money in the Bank a great view. 

Daniel Bryan vs. Big Cass (SmackDown Live)

The opening contest to Money in the Bank came from SD Live. A rematch from Backlash between Daniel Bryan against Big Cass. Bryan submitted Cass at Backlash a month ago and it did not sit well with Big Cass. After losing at Backlash, Big Cass still talking about “A good big man always beats a good little man”, and how Bryan go home to be husband to his wife Brie Bella and a father to their daughter push this rivalry even further into last night’ s match. Even though Big Cass is a 7-foot tall big man, he still could not hang with the veteran Daniel Bryan in the ring. Big Cass would submit to the Heel Hook again thus Daniel Bryan being victorious again. 

Intercontinental Championship (RAW)

The first title defense of the main card came from Monday Night RAW. The King Slayer, Seth Rollins defended the Intercontinental Championship against Elias. A rivalry that started with Rollins interrupting an Elias concert for his upcoming match. After a successful match, Rollins stand on the announce table celebrating when Elias smashed his guitar on the back of Rollins. Forwarding to last night’s match, one could argue as the one of the highlight matches from last night. Whatever Rollins threw at Elias, Elias responded. Whatever Elias threw at Rollins, Rollins responded. A back and forward match between two great competitors where on numerous occasions, Elias could have won the IC Title. In the end however, Rollins would outsmart Elias with a roll-up pinfall victory and retain the IC Title. 

Women’s Money in the Bank Ladder Match

The first of two Money in the Ladder Matches featured the women superstars. Four women superstars from RAW and four women superstars from SD Live competing for the opportunity of a lifetime. Alexis Bliss, Ember Moon, Natalya, and Sasha Bank from RAW along with Lana, Naomi, Becky Lynch, and Charlotte Flair from SD Live battling to become the second-ever Ms. Money in the Bank. These eight women put on a fabulous showing with athleticism from Moon, Naomi, and Flair to the get dirty with ladders from Banks, Natalya, Lana, and Lynch to the pick me spot wisely of Bliss. At one point of time six of the eight women will racing to the briefcase on two ladders. Some fell on ladders, others slammed into other ladders. In the end of the match, The Goddess, Evil Barbie, Alexis Bliss was the one standing at the top of the ladder holding the briefcase. Alexis Bliss-Ms. Money in the Bank, but her night was not over here.

SmackDown Live Women’s Championship

The first of two women’s championship matches came from SD Live. The champion Carmella defending against the Empress of Tomorrow, Asuka. The surprise of the night came from this match. In a match where Carmella was on the verge of losing the title, an unknown person came up onto the apron dressed as Asuka. This person would reveal himself to James Ellsworth. With shock on Asuka’s face as well as the WWE Universe, Carmella took the opportunity to superkick Asuka and retain her SD Live Women’s Championship. 

WWE Championship Last Man Standing Match (SmackDown Live)

The title of SD Live, the WWE Championship was defended in a Last Man Standing Match. A rivalry that began as a dream WrestleMania match turned into a bitter rivalry in this last match between the champion, The Phenomenal One, AJ Styles against The Artist, Shinsuke Nakamura. Nakamura defeated Styles a few weeks ago to pick the stipulation of their match and as you can see it was a Last Man Standing Match. To win this match one has to incapacitate their opponent for a count of ten. This match was a great way end a bitter rivalry. Chairs, announce tables, steel steps, low-blows, Styles-clash, Kinshasa, Phenomenal Forearms, everything you could image happened in this match. A low-blow by Styles to Nakamura outside of the ring by the announce table after Nakamura got Styles first, AJ Styles rolled into the ring and delivered a third and final Phenomenal Forearm, driving Nakamura and himself through the announce table. Nakamura could not answer the ten count and AJ Styles retained the WWE Championship. 

RAW Women’s Championship

In a match that was put together unusually with the champ challenging the challenger, this match had a surprising ending to it as the SD Live women’s championship match. This match was between the champion, Nia Jax and the challenger, Rowdy Ronda Rousey. This was Rousey’s first singles match and second overall match in WWE. For most of the match Nia Jax dominated Rousey. It looked like Jax would easily defend her title but Rousey would the momentum would get ready to apply the patented armbar and capture her first title in WWE, an special guest would interject in the match. That person would be Ms. Money in the Bank, Alexis Bliss. With briefcase in hand, Bliss would assault Rousey reportedly with the briefcase and then Nia Jax as well. Taking Rousey out of the picture and with a wounded champ, Bliss would cash-in her briefcase on the champ. With a DDT and Twisted Bliss from the top rope, The Goddess, Evil Barbie would become the new RAW women’s champion. Bliss is now a five-time women’s champion and a three-time Raw women’s champion.

Men’s Money in the Bank Ladder Match (Main Event)

The main event of MITB was the second MITB Ladder Match featuring the male superstars from both RAW and SD Live. Kevin Owens, Bobby Roode, Finn Balor, and The Monster Among Men, Braun Strowman from RAW along with The Miz, Rusev, Samoa Joe, and Kofi Kingston of the New Day from SD Live competing for the lucrative briefcase. As always the MITB Ladder match providing great excitement with the male superstars. Hitting each other with ladders. Slamming each other on ladders. Jumping off ladders onto each other. Ladders being used to its fullest in this match both in the ring and outside the ring. At one point in the match six of the eight superstar ganged up on Braun Strowman at the entrance way piling ladders on top of the Monster. The other superstar not involved in the gang-up was The Miz who tried to sneak his way to the briefcase but was cut down by Samoa Joe. Moments later the Monster would rise from the pile of ladders where Samoa Joe, Rusev, and Kevin Owens would jump the Monster again. Owens brought a table and set it up for Joe and Rusev to place the Monster onto for Owens to jump off an enormous ladder onto the Monster. That would not happen last night as it did on the final Monday Night Raw before MITB. Strowman fought off Joe and Rusev, then proceeded to the enormous ladder with KO. As KO was trying to get off the ladder, Strowman grabbed Owens and throw his the ladder through the equipment table, taking Owens out of the match for good. The Monster then would wreak havoc on the other six competitors, clearing the path to the Money in the Bank briefcase. Braun Strowman-Monster in the Bank. 

Other Results

The Bludgeon Brothers retain SD Live Tag Team over the Good Brothers on the Kickoff Show.

Bobby Lashley destroys Sami Zayn.

Roman Reigns defeats Jinder Mahal after spearing Samir Singh and Jinder Mahal