#been having to read more 'ford deserved it' posts than i ever had before

[lesbiten]

i have opinions on ford the world isn't ready to see (he and mabel have a lot in common and he's not just a parallel of dipper. also he's not a terrible person.)

i think you knew this would happen when you sent this ask but i ended up talking for so long that im putting this under a read more Sorry

see this is crazy to me because this feels like surface level Ford Obsevations to me and yet you are completely right that the world isnt ready to hear it. i dont know if they ever will be. every day i wish there was more about him and mabel (that one page from the website was a blessing and i will cherish it forever). also its crazy to me how eager people are to blame ford for the abuse he experienced at the hands of bill. the new book hasnt helped this whatsoever either. the entire book literally screams in your face 'hey this guy is manipulating you, dont believe what hes saying' but when bill goes 'me and ford actually had so many great times together and i was so crushed to lose him and HE ruined MY life actually' nobody thinks he might be exaggerating to get the reader on his side. but maybe im just insane. anyways i just dont think ford deserved to lose everything he worked for and everyone he loved just because he trusted the wrong guy. i also dont get blaming ford for everything that happened with fiddleford. i feel like some people act like ford forced him to drive down to gravity falls and then held the memory gun to his head and then abandoned him on purpose. he called a friend to work on a project, underestimated how badly it was affecting him, and then got stuck in the multiverse before he could even try to reconcile with him. at the end of the day everything that went wrong here was because of bill. ford did not ruin his own or fiddlefords life with malicious intent, nor did he ruin either of them at all. thanks

[twoa-plus]

dissecting stanford pines and finding organs that don’t exist but like in a metaphorical way

that’s it that’s the title i’m going with. this is a long one folks o7

most of this isn’t sourced or canon at all it’s just personal interpretation/headcanon/whatever else u wanna call it, but!! since more people are seeing my deranged gravity falls ramblings now i figure i should probably give some perspective as to why i like/defend ford as much as i do

(in my other gf posts i do try to stick to canon to back up whatever point i’m making - this is just about my personal opinion of ford as a character, and should be able to be thrown out in regards to my other posts)

so for some background/setup/whatever (it’s important i promise bear with me), different people have different instinctual responses to anxiety/stress. i come from a family (genetics are fun) where the default response is to start (metaphorically ofc) biting and hissing like a cornered animal. this doesn’t necessarily mean there’s any actual hatred or malice or anything towards the people that end up getting scratched - they might just be at the wrong place at the wrong time, they might’ve done something super minor and insignificant that added on to a preexisting pile of stress, etc etc

i cannot stress enough that i am not saying this is ok. you dont need me to tell you that hurting people who don’t deserve it is a bad thing, lol. what i am saying though is that sometimes people can kind of suck for reasons other than just genuinely wanting everyone around them to be miserable

this is the last “background” part i swear BUT another thing thats less genetic and more just me being weird is that i’m the type of person where like. any minor environmental change can really stress me out lol. like even just reorganizing my desk can be pretty emotionally taxing

SO. finally back on topic. stanford pines. i see a lot of the behavior/patterns i just described in him. like i’ve spent my entire life around people like this, and while i understand why a lot of people see him as just some asshole, i can’t help but see him as a guy who’s just kinda going through it lol

just talking about the more recent events as of the series, he’s just spent 30 years god knows where doing and seeing god knows what, he has an abusive ex who wants to murder him and his entire family (plus the whole dimension, really), and in the three decades he’s been gone the entire world - including his own house - has changed and left him behind. add onto that that he went missing in 1982, way before we had all of the emotional/mental health resources we have now, we all saw what the stans’ childhood was like, and that ford is terrible with people - including, imo, himself. if there’s anybody out there who would have Feelings and not understand what they are or where they’re coming from or what to do about them, it’s this guy

this entire setup is the perfect circumstance for fear and anxiety and stress and uncertainty to all get translated into anger. a really big example of this, to me, is how he talks about dipper in journal 3. i’ve talked about this before somewhere so i’ll try to summarize as fast as i can lol

reading his initial entry about dipper would make u think he like. hates this kid lol. but i really don’t think he ever did - he was really excited to meet the kids in the show and already seemed to care about them just by virtue of existing, and his opinion on dipper in journal 3 seems to do a complete 180 pretty quickly which ,,, doesn’t really fit ford as a character. like i love the man but that guy can hold a GRUDGE

here’s how it reads to me:

ford gets back to his home dimension after 30 years and everything is different

he’s subconsciously kind of struggling with the fact that he doesn’t really have a “home” anymore - the sense of familiarity and comfort that would normally come with the word is gone. (i specify that it’s subconscious because, like i said earlier, i do not get the vibe that he’s particularly aware of his own emotions)

he finds out that journal 3 - something he made with his own two hands and considers part of his life’s work - has also changed in the decades he’s been gone. this adds to the feeling of unfamiliarity with the world around him

it’s easier to blame that “final straw” and say that he’s just upset about his work being tampered with rather than address the actual root of the problem, so that’s exactly what he does. this still doesn’t mean that there’s any genuine hatred towards dipper. anger in the moment, yeah, but not hatred

again, this is entirely personal interpretation, and i completely understand if u don’t see it like this!! this is just a pattern of thoughts/behavior that i’m very familiar with, so it’s easy for me to apply it to situations like this even if it’s not really part of the canon

i also think there’s a big problem in this fandom with just ,, not seeing ford as a Person with Emotions? idk how to explain it but it feels like people expect him to always know exactly what to do in every situation just bc he’s old and academically smart. like whenever another character does something objectively bad it’s “well there were extenuating circumstances,” (which is usually true and i agree !!) but ford never really seems to get that treatment. if he does something bad it’s just because he sucks

a big example of this i think is the fight between him and stan (y’know the “you ruined my life”/“you ruined your own life”). you cannot look me dead in the eyes and, in full seriousness, with the context of everything ford was going through with bill at the time, say that he was fully mentally/emotionally stable during that conversation. “oh so you’re blaming stan-“ NO!!! stan was also going through it!!! that’s the entire point - they’re both people with their own lives and emotions and everything else that comes with that, they had very human reactions to their respective situations, and they both ended up hurt!! hopefully i’m explaining this right but i just don’t like it when people pin everything on ford, like there was a lot going on and at the end of the day he’s just a human

wasn’t really sure how to work this in so i’ll just put it here - i don’t think ford ever truly hated stan, either. familial bonds are complicated, and there can be a whole lot of anger towards someone without true hatred being present. i briefly mentioned the stans’ childhood sucking earlier, and i don’t just mean stanley - it’s easier to pinpoint him as a victim of abuse/neglect, but that doesn’t mean ford had it great either. their parents (specifically filbrick, but caryn didn’t exactly do a fantastic job with them either) expected nothing of stan and the world of ford, both of which would weigh heavily on any child. plus, ford being the favorite doesn’t mean all of his emotional needs were met - filbrick seeing him as an opportunity to make money doesn’t mean he was suddenly an emotionally present and caring father towards him. WCT wasn’t just an opportunity for ford to go be a famous scientist or whatever - it was a chance for his father to love him, something both of the stans desperately wanted. (WCT was also on the opposite side of the country from where they lived but i’m sure that’s completely unrelated !!!)

do i think stan deserved anything that happened to him after the science fair incident? no, absolutely not, he was a child. do i think it was right of ford to just stand there as his brother got thrown out? no, absolutely not - but he was a child too. as for them not speaking for a decade after that, like i mentioned earlier ford can hold a grudge like no other. (this doesn’t just apply to stan, either, ford dedicated half of his life to trying to kill his ex lmao.) i think ford’s ability to hold on to anger like that is actually a pretty major part of/flaw in his personality, but again, anger - even the strongest, most long-lived of it - is not synonymous with hatred. stan, who ford has always gone to for help when he truly needed it, it not what ford’s hatred looks like. bill, who ford actively wants to die, is

anyways!! i never know how to close these things lol. ig in summary i just see ford’s behavior (in the show at least) as more of a sign of internal struggle rather than like ,, genuinely hating the people around him and wanting their lives to suck. did/does he have an ego problem? absolutely. is he incapable of love and human connection? no. is he immune to manipulation/abuse/neglect/etc and everything that comes with that? also no

he’s an interdimensional criminal why can’t he go to the theraprism. i think he should

[kitpanthera]

chapters 16-18 🎉

1. my immediate thought about the girls screaming is that stan must be benefiting from having hearing aids he can turn off rn

2. "it's like she doesn't even know how to handle me being my own person" dipper :((( more dippy fresh foreshadowing? (god i wish we had actually seen dipper snap his neck in canon. he deserves to!! but still, grappling with the knowledge that when mabel could remake the world, she remade her brother completely out of character. 😔)

3. bill getting constant whiplash from dipper being genuine in wanting to hang out with him makes him nonverbal. me too, bill.

4. dipper feeling bill's hand in his hair is so sweet 🥹 even if bill refuses to admit it, he's come to care for pine tree! and dipper getting physical affection from someone besides mabel!!

5. "for now and forever, full access, with my permission" a shiver just went down ford's spine somewhere in the multiverse.

6. is a pact bond different than a traditional deal? i'm assuming it is -- is it just stronger than a deal?

7. STARS STARS STARS (is this something you incorporated post reading the book of bill or were stars always part of their story?)

8. "it's not stupid to want to share the stars with someone you care about" i'm going into cardiac arrest.

9. the dying dimension bit -- i don't think bill ever told ford that the nightmare realm is dying. he's willing to be more vulnerable with dipper (i need to come to your universe or i will cease to exists)!

10. dipper sharing the constellations with bill when the people of his dimension couldn't see the stars, let alone name them...

11. i haven't been commenting on the ciphers but the one at the end of ch 17 ("from now and always," "from now until the end of time," what's the difference?)... when weirdmageddon comes, time is dead. and then bill literally kills time baby. so by making the distinction between the two, dipper will stand by him/bill will have access to his mind even after time no longer exists!

12. a world where dipper tells mabel everything in that moment...

13. the cabin changing so they have a way to go view the stars together 🥹🔫 (the touch of the memory gun to my head)

14. dipper waiting for bill to be ready for their friendship -- he's still a sweet kid under all that anger bill is pulling out of him!

15. bill looking at the stars by himself. i weep.

16. stan being upset about dipper "researching" things and being apart from mabel. stan having the history repeating itself realization and seeing that even mabel couldn't get her twin to stand by her. (it was always fated for them)

17. dipper learning how to pick locks! i could see stan being so annoyed that he didn't get to teach dipper that. wonder if that will be useful in the future. 👀

18. "prove it" and he stands up to mabel, the hardest thing he could've ever done before this summer.

19. mabel once again reinforcing everything dipper has been thinking -- her not liking that dipper isn't conforming to how she thinks he should be !! dippy fresh, when i catch you!

20. "you did what you needed to do." well yes! even if bill hadn't manipulated him to that, dipper absolutely needed to set boundaries at some point!

21. how much energy is bill using to send things todipper?

22. where are stan and mabel while gideon is just tearing dipper's room apart?

23. gideon making a real deal with dipper... did bill teach him how to do that or was that all dipper? his magic seemed to react instinctively by switching to the fire so fast.

24. bill being upset because he's starting to realize he also cares for dipper... not even he can escape the magic of friendship.

25. the wood symbolism this entire chapter... the wood falling after dipper mentions bill's home, the main log cracking but staying together (bill clinging to the illusion that he doesn't care for dipper?), the log snapping and finally crumbling after dipper calls him out on bill no longer genuinely believing in their relationship being transactional... also the fact that the fire has continously been a symbol of warmth to welcome dipper into the cabin (symbolizing bill luring him in or the real warmth the bill always had but was hidden)...

26. bill not realizing that dipper knew he was using him the entire time when you realize that a) dipper knew bill views friendships as transactional, b) his dimension is dying and he wants into dipper's, and c) dipper is part of the plans for that. you're not subtle!

i'll be back with more tomorrow!! thank you thank you thank you! i appreciate this so much 💚💚💚

1. During the day, he's either busy with tours or turns the hearing aids down when they're screaming. At night, he's in the basement, and can't hear anyway!

2. I sincerely cannot wait for Weirdmageddon. Hoohoo, heehee. There is so much to work with in their crumbling relationship, and the "ideal" Dipper is one piece of it!

3. Yeah, Bill sincerely believes everyone else he's worked with in history has just seen him as a means to an end. Then Dipper comes along, sincerely and honestly just liking him... and the guy who uses his words to appear more powerful, to have control of every situation, loses his words. :)

4. Yes! The boy needs physical affection, and it's becoming less and less of an act as time goes on for Bill. Dipper hasn't gotten any affection at this point in weeks. In canon, he and Mabel are always grabbing each other, their hands, arms, they hug, all this, constantly comforted in each other's presence. Dipper hasn't gotten that. So Bill is showing that he cares more than Mabel has lately, that's what he intends it to mean, but he finds it means more to him than he bargained for.

5. Oh yeah. This was the point where I definitively said to myself, he's officially in deeper than Ford.

6. Yeah, so a pact bond is specifically when someone makes a deal to be bonded to a powerful being, such as a deity. It goes beyond just a normal deal, it actually binds the person to the being to some extent. Normally this is in exchange for access to non-traditional magic, but not always.

7. I was actually always going to have stargazing be something they do together (the idea was in my head for months), but with this chapter releasing post BoB, I decided to incorporate Bill's relationship with the stars into it. I was so pleasantly surprised that it canonically means so much to him, actually.

8. :)

9. As far as we know, Dipper is the only one he's told. The level of vulnerability it takes to admit there's a self-preservation reason to his plan... :)

10. :)

11. Yes! This is the answer!!

12. It exists, just not here :)

13. Isn't the cabin such a cozy and comforting place?

14. Oh yes! And he is certain and confident he knows what he's doing. All his sweetness is currently reserved for Bill.

15. He can't deny the beauty of the stars, or the appreciation for Dipper naming the constellations. Just wait until Dipper tells him that every individual star has a name!

16. Yes! Stan and Mabel relate hard in this house. Stan wants to stop history from repeating itself, and tries to comfort Mabel often by telling her it won't. He kinda sees the writing on the wall, their relationship deteriorating like his and Ford's, if Dipper keeps this up, and he doesn't even see a good reason for it.

17. 👀

18. Yep! Proving he's loyal to Bill more than Mabel, who's been his other half his whole life. It's been a responsibility drilled into him to always put her, her feelings, her goals, all before his own, and Bill has broken through that conditioning and taught him to stand up for himself, his feelings, his goals, and his beliefs.

19. Hey, when you're used to someone sacrificing everything for you, you don't realize how much they do until they stop doing it. Their parents have done so much damage and basically Mabel became spoiled by Dipper, in a sense, without realizing it, and now that she's not, she wants it back and doesn't get why he stopped.

20. Yes! Boundaries for our king are so important. Bill does make some good points.

21. A good bit. :)

22. Stan was running tours, and Mabel was at Grenda's house!

23. He's been training with Bill so much, it basically came naturally to him to make deals. You'll also notice I had Dipper sitting and kicking his feet, a mannerism he picked up from Bill. He's just generally more like Bill, as well.

24. :)

25. Yes yes yes yes thank you so much for noticing this???? The fire and wood symbolism was so intentional on my part and it's one of the things I'm most proud of because it's multifaceted and I just. adore that metaphor. I'm so glad you picked up on it!!!!

26. He's so insecure about the fact that he's sincerely liked (and probably loved on some level) by another being, that he just... he feels the need to make it abundantly clear that his intentions were never pure, and that Dipper shouldn't care about him so sincerely, because he's not a guy who deserves it. And he feels guilty that Dipper cares about him, because he's found that he cares about Dipper.

Thank you so much!!! It is bringing me such joy to see such intense and genuine interest, even brainrot for my story, I am so so happy :)

[prettyinpwn]

I saw your post in the Ford tag and gotta say: I have heard stories about the times when Ford was commonly disliked, and I can't imagine living through that 😭 I joined the fandom right before Lost Legends came out, and I only ever came across one blog still posting about disliking Ford. He is my favorite character from any media ever. Welcome back to tumblr, I'm glad you get to experience the fandom finally giving Ford all the love and appreciation he deserves

Come and sit near the fire, youngster. Let old Grandma PiP tell ya stories about the good old days...

But yeah, both Ford and Mabel got lots of angry rants in those days. To be honest, most of them were made out of love for Stan (because Ford did treat him like garbage at points) and Dipper (because people perceived that he gave up way more for Mabel than vice versa).

But it kinda sucked because oh man, here was our theory son finally getting his time to shine. And what was even better is that he was just as awesome as we'd hoped he'd be. We'd always thought he'd be a giant nerd like Dipper but also a badass because of his getting lost in the portal (though we were wrong about some things - like him being the author and not McGucket, what he was doing before he was lost, why he and Stanley fought, that his name was Stanford and Grunkle Stan was Stanley, etc).

He was my favorite character the moment he walked out of that portal and showed his face (well, kind of before that, given much of my blog was posting headcanons/theories about him before he was revealed, but nothing was canon yet so it was all what-ifs - we never knew if we’d actually like him or not until he had screentime). 

And then I get online to see how other people responded... and it was not good. Granted, some like me loved him and many had their minds blown with the reveal, but he got a lot of flack. Even legit anger. I remember thinking, “Damn, I know we all love Stan to bits, but give Ford some slack! Give him time to shine and make it up to Stan.”

To be honest, I think had he had more screen time, especially more scenes from what was described in the physically released Journal 3 and Lost Legends, people would have liked him more from the outset. I’m still of the opinion that the story in the latter half of S2 feels rushed, and as much as I love this show and appreciate the effort put into it, I think Ford suffered for it.

Stan, Mabel, and Dipper got two seasons to shine. He got half of one, and a few episodes of that half didn’t even involve him much or at all (cough Roadside Attraction cough). And what we do see of him is punching Stan, talking about their broken relationship, telling Stan that the Mystery Shack has to go, him giving Dipper a mind control device, him explaining how he worked with Bill, and him inviting Dipper on a path away from Mabel. The few positive scenes we saw were in DDaMD and his heroic actions in the finale episodes.

He gets fleshed out way more in supplementary materials and, upon reading those, I think he arguably can be seen as the best character in terms of growth and depth (though Stan rivals him closely in this area imo).

I would love to do a whole Ford character analysis post at some point soon, because the way they wrote him is worthy of a closer look. He’s heavily flawed, but that’s what makes his arc and story all the more satisfying, and interesting to examine. A flawed character is a good character from a writing perspective, and like you, he’s been cemented as my favorite character in all media ever so far because of it. 

He had an arguably abusive father, deep insecurity and ego issues, pride that shattered his relationships and led him to push people away, made many mistakes, was intelligent but easily manipulated, and had to accept that - as much as he wanted to be a hero - it was Stan who was the true hero... But even so, he found redemption and happiness in the end. He’s still a broken man and still has flaws, but like I said: his growth arc? Amazing. He’s also relatable to me on a personal level because I’ve struggled with many of the above issues in my own life.

I am like 99.99% sure Hirsch will never return to Gravity Falls, but if he does in some form, it would be great to see a mini series or comic or [insert thing here] with Ford as a main protagonist, be it his story between getting to Gravity Falls and being shoved into the portal, his portal adventures, or his adventures with Stan after the main series. I know we’ve seen summaries or hints of these time periods, but man, with how little screentime he got in the show, I think fans would gladly go for it.

I also think it would be great to explore his and Stan’s stories in material that’s allowed to be more adult. Gravity Falls gets away with an astonishing amount of darkness for being a Disney show, but I think something targeted for an older audience would allow for greater delving into these dark aspects of Ford and Stan’s lives, like breaking generational trauma and family cycles, how to mend long-broken familial relationships, reflecting back on major regrets in your life, morality in the face of survival (if Ford’s portal days are ever explored more in-depth), etc. 

But Disney owns the rights so if they’d be up for that... not sure. I’m not saying make it Rick and Morty or Inside Job level adult, but somewhere between the original series and those shows. The fandom is older now, and if Stan and Ford were the protagonists, it’d make sense to age up the target audience, as well.

[blackbyrenflowers]

Why Ned Stark was right

I made this little comment on Reddit on a post discussing Ned, but decided to share it (touch it up a little) here if anyone was interested in reading it

I see Ned as someone who was a little in over his head politically as Hand of the King, but ultimately a good man at heart.

Ned saw his position as Hand of the King as Robert's advisor, rather than being the second most powerful man in Westeros, to paraphrase someone smarter than me. That's not to say he should've seized all the power he could, but that he should've been more confident in exercising the authority that he was handed.

For example, right after Robert finished dotting the ink, he should've immediately publicized the will confirming him as Regent and Protector of the Realm to ward off any power grabs. He didn't need to go sneaking around with Littlefinger and pay off the guards - Ned had every right to order them as he would.

As for his decision with Cersei... I know people like to write him off as an honorable fool, but I absolutely think he made a good decision here.

First, Robert already went on his fatal hunting trip at that time. Warning her or not would not affect Robert's chances at all, and Ned did not know Cersei chose that day to strike.

Two, Ned may have felt he was in a strong position with regards to the Lannisters at the moment. He had deployed Beric and a hundred men to capture Gregor Clegane "and to all those who shared in his crimes,” forcing Tywin to completely wash his hands clean of his favorite attack dog. If he attacks the King's party, flying the King's banner like he did at the Mummer’s Ford, then Tywin has effectively made himself an outlaw and rebel to the Iron Throne.

And third, and most importantly of all, Ned was trying to spare the lives of innocents.

Yet last night he had dreamt of Rhaegar's children. Lord Tywin had laid the bodies beneath the Iron Throne, wrapped in the crimson cloaks of his house guard. That was clever of him; the blood did not show so badly against the red cloth. The little princess had been barefoot, still dressed in her bed gown, and the boy … the boy …

Rhaenys, who was only three years old, was dragged out from hiding under her father's bed and stabbed half a hundred times. Aegon was even younger, and had been torn from his mother's arms before being dashed against the wall, becoming "A faceless horror of bone and brain and gore," that even Kevan couldn’t stand to look at long. Ned had absolutely no desire to see anymore children die for the sins of their parents.

Joffrey was not a good kid, we all saw what he did with Mycah at the ruby ford. But does he really deserve to die for what Jaime and Cersei did? What about 9 year old Myrcella, or 8 year old Tommen? What have they ever done to deserve being sentenced to death for something that happened before they were even born?

It doesn’t work out, of course. He’s falsely arrested for treason, and forced to plead guilty to save Sansa’s life. And then his head gets chopped off anyways.

So yes, I suppose it's easy for some people to look at Ned and consider him an idiot. He could've saved his head if he had acted quicker and firmer. What are three lives in exchange for peace and stability? If only Ned had told Robert sooner, if only he had been more cunning and politically-minded, if only he had taken Renly’s offer... then things would been better. Right?

Should Stannis have burned his nephew Edric if it got him a stone dragon? Isn't killing a dozen men at dinner better than ten thousand in battle? Is Varys justified in murdering and sabotaging his way through Westeros if it gains him the perfect king? Don't the ends justify the means, if you're ultimately working towards a peaceful goal? Or do the way you go about things matter too?

And I think it’s really easy to fall into that line of thinking, ruthless pragmatism over something as immaterial as “honor”, especially when you recall his death. After all, Ned died on his knees as a confessed traitor, an entire crowd screaming for his head... but look at his life. Ned did his best to live an honorable and just life, and teach his children to live by his example. He may not have been perfect, but he did his best.

And in the end, it's that legacy that matters. Take a look at Tywin Lannister, an incredibly ruthless man who inflicted pain and misery on those around him for a good three decades. When he dies, what happens? Who weeps for him, beyond his siblings and Pycelle? Everyone feared him, but not many loved him.

It was queer, but he felt no grief. Where are my tears? Where is my rage? Jaime Lannister had never lacked for rage. "Father," he told the corpse, "it was you who told me that tears were a mark of weakness in a man, so you cannot expect that I should cry for you."  

Hardly anyone in King's Landing turns out for his funeral. His rotting corpse stinks to high heavens. Cersei’s ripping up the Lannister-Tyrell alliance, while Tyrion is utterly determined to tear everything Tywin valued. Dorne, the Riverlands, the North, the Vale, the Stormlands, half the realm despises the Lannisters, and even their own allies don’t have much love for them.

While Ned? All of the North remembers him. Wyman Manderly remembers the debt they owe to House Stark, Liddle reminisces how much safer the North when there was a Stark in Winterfell. Glover, Mormont, Hugo Wull and the northern mountain clans, half of House Umber, survivors from Tallhart and Cerwyn and Hornwood, they join up with Stannis for justice, for revenge for Ned and Robb and Brandon and Rickon.

"Vengeance for your murdered lord, your murdered king, your butchered princes. Vengeance!"

So no, I don't think Ned deserves to be remembered as an idiot or honorable fool, as some people or TV adaptions might say. Instead, what I think we should take from Ned and his life is that doing the right thing isn’t always easy. Sometimes it can be pretty damn hard, especially when your opponents aren't concerned with morality as you are. But that doesn't mean it's worthless.

What is the life of three bastard children against a kingdom?

Everything, of course.

[slvtbible]

G O L D

chapter one

summary: [y/n is a young stripper who is adored by many men. harry styles is a man who loves to carry danger with him]

word count: 4222

pairing: stripper!y/n and gangleader!harry

warnings: violence, vulgar language, sexual acts, alcohol and drug

to be honest, i was a little hesitant to post it here and i don’t know if this story will blow up on tumblr or get many notes but that’s the last thing on my mind right now. i just want to share what i’ve been working on that kept you guys waiting for almost a year lol sorry about that. But yes, she’s finally here!! I posted first on wattpad before i put it here, I felt like the only way to reach out more people to read it it’s through that. And also, i decided to use a name on wattpad but I’d use the term ‘y/n’ on tumblr. Enjoy it all my loves! Give me feedbacks!💜

*

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Harry fixes the collar of his sheer black shirt before tucking it neatly inside the black trousers he's currently wearing. He normally goes something more extravagant for going out. His closet is filled with colourful ruffles and Hawaiian shirts along with 'more than one colour' suits. However tonight, he needs to lay low for a bit. Especially when he's about to step into one of the most famous strip clubs in New York in an hour to meet up with the manager.

He's very much aware of the reputation he has put on himself out there. Though there's no use of camouflage and hiding, he still doesn't want a cause a scene,

Yet.

His hand lifts a bottle of Tom Ford from the dresser before spraying it twice on his neck. Stepping away from the full length mirror, he grabs his cross necklace from the bed before putting the accessory around his neck as he walks out of the room.

"Talk to me Reece" his heavy accent echoes the hallway as he walks downstairs, watching his few men pocketing their weapons,

Reece, the brown skinned man with tattoos nods. "He's there. Just got a word from Bianco. He appears isn't expecting you, Boss. However I do believe he knows you're coming soon. The club is far too crowded than usual but Bianco is taking care of that right now." He informs, showing him the message on the phone,

Harry can only scoff, nodding at him as a thank you. "That son of a bitch should've. Owes me more than fucking money." He mutters, inserting the .45 ACP inside his gun holster. "The car's ready?"

Nodding, Reece leads Harry down towards the basement. "As requested. Lamborghini Murcielago in blue hera. Pack with 640 PS and 471 kW, rules around 213 mph if you consider on hit and run. Still, I pack a standard Aeropack wing if you wanna go slow tonight. The windows? Bulletproof. In case anyone tries to kill you." Harry knows he's only joking about the last part. No one dares try to kill him before he does it. It's a pattern that everyone knows by now.

Harry lets out a low whistle, softly shaking his head as the machine beauty appears. Tracing lightly with his ring cladded fingers along the hood of the car. "Not planning to hit and run tonight, Reece. Not even thinking about racing down the street with my weapon outside the window. You don't have anything more. . . Less attractive?" He questions, still staring at the gorgeous car ahead of him,

"You know I don't do less, boss." Reece winks playfully, laughing to himself as he watches Harry roll his eyes. "Besides. Who knows you'll get yourself a bird tonight, eh? Take her out on a stroll before bringing her home to your place. Women love fast cars." He comments, pressing the button on the keys as the door opens,

Humming as a response, Harry walks towards the driver's seat, "I don't date anymore, thought my right hand man knew tha' " He speaks, words laced with seriousness while grabbing the keys from Reece's fingers,

He can only sigh and nod his head. "Understood. Yet, Kendra is like what? Two years ago? Gotta get yourself something better, boss. You deserve it. So do it tonight." He suggests, watching him going inside the car before shutting the door,

Harry smiles a bit, inserting the keys inside the ignition before starting the car. "Noted."

The dark haired man steps away from the car. Giving Harry a salute. "I'll be right behind you. See you there."

*

*

*

Y/N Y/L/N stands in front of the mirror as she applies another layer of red lipstick on her plump lips. Securing the tube back as she puckers her mouth to see if it fits the colour for tonight. She twirls, watching carefully how the gold lingerie clads perfectly around her breasts and down to her curvy hips and thick thighs.

She stops once her plump ass is facing the mirror, admiring how beautiful and big her bum is in the lingerie. It's a compliment really. She loves working out to give her bum a bit bigger. It's not that she hopes she'll gain attention from people, she just loves her body. She worships every piece of it despite what other people think of it. Insecurity was her biggest enemy but not anymore. After reading lots of books and poems about self love she learns that there's nothing she should be ashamed of.

Grabbing a bottle of lotion from her table, she squeezes the bottle into her hand before rubbing her bum with the cold cream, rubbing it neatly to make sure she doesn't miss a spot.

Another thing, she loves moisturizing her plump flesh before the show. It's sexy

"Joe is asking for you." She hears a voice coming from behind, craning her neck to see her closest co-worker Violet, already in her usual purple wig and attire as she stands beside Angelina. "I love working as a stripper but he really needs to learn to be patient and. . . shut up, i guess?"

Y/N releases a small laugh, moving her long dark wavy hair to rest on her chest. "I know, I know. Jesus, I've told him fifteen minutes prior that I'll take longer than usual." She slips on her gold heels and turns to face Violet, who's biting her lip as she stares at Angelina's body up and down. "Okay, how do i look?"

Violet raises her eyebrow, as if it's something her friend shouldn't be asking. "You kidding? You look like a sex goddess. Gonna get all the men on their knees for you, girl"

Scoffing, she shoots her a wink and a flirtatious smile. "Old men with beer bellies? No thanks. I'd rather make out with Gordon." She replies, seemingly disgusted about the thought of grinding on an old man's lap tonight.

"Is that a bet I hear?" Violet questions, leaning towards her a bit as she waits for her friend’s response. "Please tell me that it is so I can earn extra cash tonight."

Gordon is a perverted bartender that always keeps his eye on Y/N throughout her routine. He's 40 and is always asking Angelina on a 'date' and by date, he means her ass on his lap. Clearly something Y/N isn't too fond of. Him specifically. Violet and Y/N have always made a joke about him, something they could make a playful banter in every chance they get.

Plus, she heard he's married. Isn't he supposed to find another job rather than here? If his wife found out what kind of a sleaze bag she married, she would be crushed,

Rolling her eyes, Y/N shoves her playfully by the arm. "Ha ha, very funny" she answers, resuming to untangle her hair from knots.

Violet laughs, pinching her on the hip as she lets outa small squeal. "Just messing with you, baby. Good luck out there. Put the rest of us to shame tonight. . . Like any other night"

Y/N flips her off, yet knowing it's the truth. She's not trying to sound like a condescending bitch here but none of the girls here are actually capable to do what Y/N does. That's what makes men attracted to her. She knows what she's doing. She knows how to make a man hard.

"By the way, you heard what Joe's talking about earlier?" Violet asks, toeing off her heels as she exhales a relief sigh. "Damn those heels are killing me" She mumbles,

"No... What's about?" She turns her head to face Violet for her to explain, causing her to shrug her shoulders,

"Don't know much about it. . . But i hear Harry Styles is coming here to meet up with him. Something about transaction or shit" She waves it off, whispering it to Y/N, looking around to make sure no one is eavesdropping,

She almost chokes on her saliva after hearing Violet says the name. "Harry Styles?! The. . . mafia boss of New York..?" Her eyes widen at the possibility of the most dangerous man in the city paying a visit to the place she works at,

Nodding, Violet answers, "Yup. That Harry Styles. He's the devil. Let's hope this place doesn't turn into a war zone."

Y/N has heard about this Harry guy. The most feared man of New York. She does know a little bit of the relations between Joe and Mr. Styles. Almost every night she could hear Joe freaking out about this man. She may not know him that close, hell she had never even met him in person but people talk. One thing she learned about hearing his reputation, you don't ever want to mess with this guy.

Violet snaps her fingers to snap Y/N out of her thoughts. "Less worrying, girl. Come on, you got a show to put on yes?"

"Y-yeah. Fuck. . . now i'm scared" She breathes out, looking at her reflection in the mirror one last time. Calming down her mind.

After giving Violet a kiss on a cheek and receiving a tap on her ass, she takes a deep breath as she opens the beaded curtain and walk out to the club. Jhene Aiko is playing through the speakers, thanks to her who chose the music for tonight. She can already feel all eyes on her as she struts down confidently, putting on a smirk and winking at couple of men here and there. As much as it disgusts her, she grazes her hand along a man's arm who's biting his lip and looking at her up and down.

'What the fuck did i do to deserve this?' she thinks to herself, staring at the man in front of her who's probably the same age as her father. The thought of it makes her gag,

She gives the man a wink before getting up on the stage, hearing a few hollers from behind. reaching out to wrap her hand around the silver pole and her leg hooking up to support her body. Slowly twirling with her head thrown back and closes her eyes with money being toss at her direction before letting go and crutching down on her knees, moving close towards the same man earlier. He slips in a couple of hundred dollar bills inside her panties, causing the others to do the same.

This may be not how she pictures her success but damn, by the end of the week, her bank account can go from three to six digits.

She's definitely gonna hold on to that,

*

*

*

It takes Harry close to thirty minutes to get here. He blames it all on the traffic, cursing to himself every time he stops at red lights. He parks his car close to the entry before he exits from the vehicle. He looks over his shoulder to find a familiar black car driving towards her, noting to himself it's Reece's. Seeing him wave his hand to make sure he's coming in later.

He clears his throat, clenching his jaw as he walks into the club. Reece wasn't lying, the club is too packed for tonight. As if God knew what is about to get down tonight and isn't going to let him get away with witnesses. He really needs to play safe for a while tonight.

As he strides through the room to find a table he has reserved for, a few half naked girls walk right pass him, stroking his exposed chest and grabbing his shoulders. Most of them are gorgeous and he's tempted to touch their soft skin yet he has to hold it. Not that he isn't interested because he's definitely taking someone back to his place tonight--fucking Reece had to be right-- but he needs to get his head in the game for at least an hour before planning to do so.

Gently, he pulls back a chair for him to sit. He specifically asks for the furthest table so no one can figure out what he's about to do tonight. A glass of whiskey has been set on his table before he got here, waiting for Joe's arrival. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Reece and Bianco walking over to his table. One of them gives him a nod to acknowledge his presence.

Harry lifts the glass up to his lips and take a sip of it. Honestly, he hates doing all of this dirty work. Sure, he's the boss. But he despises complicated things. He should've known not to trust Joe about anything, yet when he begged on his knees with a gun knocked against his head as he spat out a bunch of threats to the weakened man, he thought why not? If Joe didn't get to fulfill his demands, he gets to kill him either way. It's always a pleasure for him to do so.

"Mr. Styles! Ay, i'm so happy to see you. You look a lot cleaner than i saw you the last time, eh?" Joe's voice causes Harry's green eyes averts from the scene on the crowd. His eyebrows are knitted, jaw tightened as he taps his fingers against the table, causing the rings he's wearing to knock.

He owes him money worth $50,000. And this man had the nerve to walk in and act like nothing happened.

He is definitely going to kill him.

"Stop with all that shit and sit the fuck down. You owe me something Joe." Harry warns, pointing at him as Harry's men forces the dark haired male to sit down making him gulp. "You owe me 50 grand for that package you piece of shit."

Joe couldn't feel more terrified as he catches a glimpse of Harry's gun on the table, facing towards him. "I know Harry, I know. I didn't forget, okay? It's just the money is tight right now. The girls aren't getting the amount of money they used to be getting." Joe tries to reason but Harry isn't having any of it,

"Stop being a fucking pussy and blame your girls for the money you've lost. I'm running out of patience here, Joe. If you don't give me the money by the end of the week, you're a dead man. I still have one body bag left in my car and I wouldn't mind writing your name on it." Harry grits his teeth, looking at him with a dark look in his eyes. Hand gripping tightly around the glass

"No man, I need more than that. Please, I'll do whatever you ask me to. You will have your money man I promised." Joe begs, looking at Harry with hopeful eyes.

Harry finds it quite disgusting to see someone like him beg for mercy-- for the second time--or anything at all to be honest. He find that gesture is weak and vulnerable which makes him very easy to manipulate over. "I don't give out second chances."

Joe hears a gun clicks behind, he doesn't need to know what's going on. He knows one of the two men behind him is ready to blow his brains out. "Harry man. . . One more. . . Give me one more"

Harry isn't a patient man. He doesn't want people beg. He doesn't want him to beg. But he finds it interesting to see how it goes, playing along this little game of his.

"Fine. you give me your best girl and i'll give you two months." Harry offers, cocking his eyebrow as he leans back to relax himself. "No more than that."

Joe's eyes widen at Harry's demand. It's impossible to collect a 50 grand in two months, especially when he's short on it. He needs more than that. Still, he thinks two months is better than nothing. "Okay. . . Agreed. Just tell me which girl you want or-or i could bring one or two here, man. Take your pick."

Harry can only hum in response, scanning his eyes over the scene. Dozens of girls dancing on stage, few of them even has their bras taken off. It seems to him, none of these girls on the room is his type.

Until his green eyes fall on a certain slightly curvy woman with her leg wrapped around the pole.

Her long dark hair brushing lightly against the floor as she bend her back a bit. He observes the way her body move so dirty yet gracefully around the pole,  the way she bites onto her pink glossed lips and how her brown eyes manage to flirt with the crowd and had them lure into her eyes including himself. He swears this girl just steps out of his daydreams. She looks perfect.

He admires how she circle her hips painfully slow, jealous how he isn't close enough to watch her plump flesh near his strong figure.

"Her. I want her" Harry points at the girl he can't take his eyes off. His voice sounds too possessive but he doesn't care if he does. He's too enhanced with the way she moves on that stage and he loves how she swats those dirty hands who seems desperate to cope a feel with a dirty look on her face.

'Seems like a fighter' he thinks to himself

"Y/N? You want her?" Joe asks after he realises who Harry's pointing at.

"Y/N? That's a gorgeous name. She's not taken is she? Not that i care anyway. She's a dime from what i can see here." He says, not tearing his eyes off of her while he sips on his drink. "You're gonna give me her to me aren't you?" Harry asks, his eyes are threatening enough for Joe so he nods his head as a response.

"Yes. Of course. If that's what you want."

"Fuck yes i do. Bring me to one of your rooms. I want a private from her" He demands before gulping down his drink, standing up to head over to the back. Not before glancing at the gorgeous woman one last time who stuffs a few dollar bills in her panties.

*

*

After what it feels like forever dancing on stage and have men whistling at her to go over and give them more, she finally sit herself down on a chair in her dressing room and take a deep breath. Moaning in relief as she pulls her heels off while setting her timer on because she only has thirty minutes to rest before going back out there again. She leans back against the chair, sighing in a pure bliss.

She can hear a few girls talking and laughing while preparing themselves for their performance tonight, wishing she could just join in because Violet informs her earlier there's some juicy gossip she needs to talk about but she cant take it. She's too tired.

She has only closes her eyes for 10 minutes until a familiar voice speaks out,

"Where's Y/N?"

She groans internally. Can never mistake that voice soon as she hears it. Her manager, who sounds like he's panting, voice firm as if is an emergency to call her out like that. Y/N still has her eyes shut as she raises her hand up, not having the energy to respond.

"Okay, good. Y/N. You don't need to go back out there again. There's a special guest I need you to entertain. He's already waiting in the red room."

She nods and hum, only to realize what he means as her eyes bugs out.

Wait, what?

She's quick to turn around, brows furrows and mouth hangs open, not believing what she has just heard. "Pardon?"

"There's a man. A guy who I work with, waiting in one of the rooms. He specifically asked for you. I need you to at least give him an hour." Joe notifies, running his hand over his face as if he's stressed about something,

"You want me to give a lap dance to your co-worker?" She raises her eyebrow, not believing what he just asked her

Joe sighs angrily, "it's technically not--Y/N... please. No more questions, just go over there."

"Who's the guy?" she ignores his orders as she stands, crossing her arms across her chest. "Jesus, fuck. I really need my hair to breath" she mutters, brushing down her long dark brown hair,

"Harry Styles."

Y/N freezes in an instant. Looking up to stare at Joe in the eye to see if he's joking, he can only nod his head to confirm her questioning look. " you're shitting me."

"I'm not," Joe replies, walking over to her, not wanting the other girls to hear. "Y/N, I owe him money. I haven't got them yet and--"

She scoffs, rolling her eyes and continue messing with her hair a bit more. "Not my problem."

He reaches out to grab her elbow, pulling her harshly causing her to stumble a bit. "Y/N, please... He wanted to kill me out there earlier. The guy brought a gun for God's sake. He gave me a month but until then... he wants you."

"You know i'm not a hooker" Y/N defeatedly sighs. She wants to help him, she does but it sounds like he's selling her off for a month to this notorious and dangerous guy who is named to be the deadliest man alive by the people of New York.

She loves money but no fucking way she's willing to die for it.

"I didn't say you were" He roughly says, hand gripping tightly on her arm. "Just... do it" He let her go, tired of the waiting because he doesn't want to make Harry pissed off now,

The girl sighs angrily, squeezing her eyes shut as she hesitates for a while. What the fuck did she get herself into?

"Fine. just give me a moment."

Giving her a smile, Joe thanks her by giving her a kiss on the cheek, telling her the door number Harry is in before walking out of the room. Soon after he walks out, she feels sick in her stomach. How could she ever go face to face with a man with blood in his hands? She's about to give this man a lap dance. Who knew he might've ask for more?

So now, as she finishes re-applying a layer of red lipstick, she heads out. Walking to the back of the room in a slow pace. Heart beating loud and fast as she's about to come face to face with this man. Still, she needs to play it cool. God really fucking hates her,

If he really does exists.

She takes a deep breath before opening the brown door carefully, pushing it open. Her knees almost buckle at the sight of Harry Styles, lounging on the leather couch. A cigarette squeeze between his fingers. legs spread open as if it's an invitation already made for her. His head turns towards the door, a smirk graces upon his face.

She's not going to lie. He is indeed dashingly handsome. With his arms resting on the back of the couch making his biceps look a bit bigger. He's got killer looks too. she studies. Sexy smile, and stubble which creates a sexier look on his face. She catches a glimpse of a silver cross necklace resting against his broad chest. His eyes are sharp. Looking at her up and down with his bottom lip bitten between his teeth.

"My, my" he lowly whistles, watching her every move as she enters the room. Locking the door behind her. "I wasn't wrong. You are a fucking dime."

Y/N giggles-- though feeling scared shitless-- and run her hands over her hair as she struts her way towards his figure. Purposely swaying her ass side to side a bit to tease him. "Mr.Harry Styles. . . I heard a lot about you. Word on the street is that you're a man that likes to carry a danger" she smirks seductively as she stands in between his open legs, dragging her finger slowly down her chest.

Her angelic voice is like music to his ears,

"Yeah?" he smirks, eyes falling to the curve of her breasts. "Hope that doesn't scare you, doll. All i want is a dance from you, that's all. I also heard that you are their favourite girl. After seeing you danced on that stage, I now know why."

Again, she giggles. A small blush creeping on her cheeks, hopefully he doesn't see it. "You're a flirt aren't you, Harry? You do this to every girl?"

He places his hands slowly on her plump ass, he doesn't know if he's allowed to touch but he doesn't give a shit. She seems isn't bothered by it. He wants this girl and he wants her now.

"Only to those who i find interesting, baby. Now, are you going to show me what you got?" He asks, looking up to meet her brown eyes as he squeezes her flesh.

With a devilish smirk, she slowly sets herself down on his lap which causes him to let out a soft groan. She runs her hands down to his tattooed chest and toys with his cross necklace for a bit before whispering in his ear, "sit tight and relax, Mr. Styles. I'll be your good girl for tonight"

next chapter

*

i really don’t want to write a super long chapter, because i’m afraid it’ll bore you guys so maybe--i hope-- this is enough. anyway, i hope you guys enjoy this first chapter, let me know if you guys hate it or love it! I’ll appreciate it. love you guys!

[feferipeixes]

ok so I read this awesome post by weirdmageddon about how DaMvtF reveals some stuff about Ford and Dipper’s relationship and I had THOUGHTS that kind of ballooned out about the differences between the two of them, and how Bill Cipher recognised those differences.

read more bc it got a bit long

So I think it may come naturally to him to come up with an understanding of something and then stick firmly to it, even if it's not something paranormal, say, like, a theory about how sibling dynamics work. given how much his relationship with stan affected him, he probably spent a lot of time crystallising his understanding of Why it happened, and ultimately came to the idea that siblings, while initially fun to be around, will hold you back eventually. and then he sees dipper and applies that theory to him just because he sees a bit of himself in him.

one thing from the journal that i always think about re dipper and ford's dynamic is how ford initially seems to like mabel more than dipper because she's a cheerful mystery while dipper is a sweaty kid that keeps bothering him. but then in the show they play a game together and ford latches onto this, like yes, my theory of how siblings work, here's another data point, i can see the tension between the two of them when mabel told him she didn't want to play dd&md. this is the beginning of his researching mind viewing him and dipper as more similar in nature than they really are, just to validate his theory.

the other thing i think about a lot is how ford asks dipper if he's ever thought about what he wants to do when he grows up and dipper is like i want to have a ghost hunting show and then ford promptly ignores that and offers dipper a research apprenticeship. in ford's head this is firmly what dipper wants and always wanted, just because it's what he (ford) wanted. and it wouldn't make sense to him (ford) if dipper didn't want to be a researcher because of his (ford's) notions of how the two of them are fundamentally the same.

some of this stuff is why i feel like ford viewed dipper as a sort of second chance for himself, since he sees them as the same. ford probably spent a lot of time both before and after the portal thinking about what he would've done differently now that he is older and has more knowledge. he doesn't want dipper to get held back by his twin just like ford was by his twin (although in reality we know ford wasn't Really held back at all... 5 phd's smh) so he tries to push dipper past that, thinking that it'll prevent both incidents: losing the chance to be a researcher, and getting tricked by bill.

and part of how this "seeing dipper as a second chance" manifests is that ford kinda just expects certain parts of himself to already be present in dipper. for instance, he barely instructs dipper on how to use the magnet gun, just expecting that it'll come naturally to him (which dipper explicitly expresses feeling inadequate about). another example is ford telling dipper to just not feel fear, as if that's at all a reasonable thing to ask of a child. then when dipper IS able to later trick the sentry droid, ford sees this as solid proof that the two are the same. no mere child could do that. he calls dipper “special” (which plays to how much dipper wants ford to like him), and this is telling because ford was told all his life that he was "special" -- so he uses that word as a stand-in for "being like him".

This is one of the problems that ford has. he sees himself as very analytical but he is extremely inwardly focused. his feelings influence his ideas about others quite a bit. for instance, ford has always seen himself as special; there's no real evidence otherwise. we see this with how he feels cheated by not getting into west coast tech -- he feels he Deserved to get in because he's special.

but dipper isn't like that. dipper cares a Lot about what others think. there are a lot of stories in the show about how he and mabel disregard each other's feelings and then the problem gets solved because they listen to how the other is feeling and become closer as a result. dipper also wants wendy and the cool kids to like him and see him as cool. he wants people to see him as a detective, a mystery hunter, a competent person even though he's "technically not a teen". when faced with having his memory wiped in SotBE, he says that he uses words without always knowing what they mean because he wants to sound smart. in headhunters, mabel says he's the sidekick and he gets worried that people actually do say that about him. then there's how he hero worships the author. dipper is curious and investigative and he shares some of ford's qualities in that regard, but he is much more externally focused than ford. he is not relying on his preconceived notions about stuff.

And a way that this difference between Dipper and Ford manifests is in their interactions with Bill Cipher. Ford got suckered by bill because bill *validated* his theories. that was what was so enticing to him. not just being told the answers -- being told that he was Right. Ford’s needs came from within, and so that was where Bill had to go.

dipper isn't like that. and that's why bill's approach to tricking dipper was so different. bill knew he couldn't sway dipper by stroking his ego. no, instead, he had to play to dipper's external focus -- tricking him into thinking that stan hated him. again it's him really caring about / being affected by what others think. dipper reacted to this by getting upset that stan’s feelings toward him SHOULD be different. He just accepted this empirical observation as true -- and then reacted in a childish way, but he IS a child after all. I just think it’s interesting how Bill employed different tactics to trick the two. Bill understood the difference between them better than Ford did.

disclaimer that I do like Ford a lot! he is definitely a flawed character, though, and it is interesting to think about how these flaws influence the events of the show. ultimately things would’ve been a lot better if Dipper and Mabel had role model adults who weren’t currently (not) processing decades worth of trauma, but oh well 😔

[pepperf]

For the director's commentary thing, slight curveball: Just the entirety of "Everything Is Peaches But The Cream". It's not even 500 words and I always really enjoy it when I read it back but I'm also like "What went down here?" There is of course a danger that you don't know either XD

Either way, thanks for any insight!

Oh lord, now you're asking…! Okay, first reaction is that I have absolutely no clue what's going on and I basically stole the premise for this from one of my favourite songs, 'Handcuffed To A Fence In Mississippi' by Jim White:

I'm handcuffed to a fence in Mississippi. My girlfriend blows a boozy good-bye kiss. I see flying squirrels and nightmares of stigmata. Then awakening to find my Trans-Am gone. Still, I'm feeling pretty good about the future. Yeah, everything is peaches but the cream. I'm handcuffed to a fence in Mississippi, where things is always better than they seem. Things is always better than they seem.

It goes on, but basically this guy is in a shitty situation, there's a mysterious bloodstain and sirens in the distance…but it's still kind of cheery and optimistic. He's letting go of the idea that you have to be having fun or be happy all the time. Sometimes things are dark, and that's okay too.

And that kind of fitted my image of Diego and Lila's relationship: they argue a lot, and they do some objectively bad stuff to one another, and their lives are kind of awful, a lot of the time—but that doesn't mean they have to be sad about it, or let it get them down, if that's simply not how they feel. They can enjoy the challenge of it, they can trust in themselves to find a way out of it, they can even love each other when they're still doing bad stuff. Just that kind of cheerful view of, like, 'oops, looks like I'm about to be framed for murder…better do something about that.'

I did have some scattered thoughts in my head about what had happened. This is a post-s2 scenario where Lila has been doing some appearing and disappearing from Diego's life, because she's not yet reached a point where she feels safe or comfortable committing to him or to a fixed point in time. But she's drawn back to him, she's crazy in love with him—she's just not settled in herself yet. And he's kind of accepting of that.

Diego shook off the last of the dizziness as he watched the red taillights bouncing off down the uneven road. He could hear an excited whoop drift back to him, over the roar of the engine.

Dammit. He’d really liked that car, too.

I am a simple soul, I like cars and hot people. I liked Diego's scrappy old car in s1, it pinged the part of my brain that wants a Ford Mustang (and it's green, like Steve McQueen's—I'm not sure, but I'm thinking they deliberately did that, bc the shape is about right, too…I wouldn't be surprised if Diego was a fan of the movie Bullitt). Also, I figure that Lila has either drugged him or knocked him on the head. I am cool with that. Diego is cool with that. It's a minor inconvenience in his life. :D

He tugged experimentally at the handcuffs that shackled him to the chain-link fence. They were pink and fluffy on the outside, and absolutely professional underneath.

Lila has waylaid him to a seedy motel with the prospect of hot sex, obv. She has some reason of her own to want to be there, possibly an assignment from the Commission, or some personal loose end she wants to tie up. She just wanted some company, and to make Diego's life more exciting.

Still, they wouldn’t be an obstacle - if he had anything to pick the lock. But all he could see were rocks and scrubby twigs, and Lila’d taken all his remaining knives, along with his wallet, keys, and boots. He poked at the ground with his bare toes, failing to unearth anything useful, like a soda can tab or a fully-equipped lockpicking kit.

Remember back in the day when every corner of every street was liberally littered with soda can ring pulls? I feel like the TUA universe also still has those, as well as no internet. I don't know why. It's the 90s-ness of it, I guess.

Also, Lila is more thorough than almost anyone who's restrained Diego before. He's finding her a challenge—but maybe not in a bad way. He strikes me as a guy who doesn't like to rest on his current skillset, and is always seeking ways to push himself further. So he's simultaneously annoyed, impressed, challenged, and kinda turned on.

Sinking down into a crouch, he gazed up at the night sky, looming magnificently over the ugly motel. There was a good view of the stars out here in deepest Mississippi, and if he’d ever followed that line of studies, back at the Academy, maybe he’d be able to name a few constellations.

I get the impression from what little we see in s1 that the kids were able to choose, like…study modules, like how Vanya chose to learn the violin. It's the one freedom they seem to have had (well, obviously some of it was still prescriptive, like their combat training and so on). I imagine Luther went for the astronomy parts, flight, that sort of thing, judging by his room décor. Diego…maybe went for additional combat training? And in his limited free time, just read whatever he got his hands on? I'm not sure.

It was peaceful now that all the shouting and violence was over. He could hear the sounds of wildlife, insects and shit. There was a gentle breeze. It might even be nice, if he wasn’t handcuffed to a fucking fence.

The recurring motif. The chorus, if you will. :) I think all the shouting and violence happened outside of his view, he maybe caught the start of it before he ended up unconscious through whatever means. She probably drugged him, or he'd be talking about a headache about now.

He noticed three things at the same time: the distant wail of approaching police sirens, his boots tucked neatly under a nearby bush, and the massive bloodstain on the floor outside the room they’d rented.

Lila left him the boots. (Probably someone else called the cops, after all the shouting and violence.) She's playing 'nice' and giving him what she considers an advantage. She's expecting him to get out of the handcuffs, and escape the police, but it's just a little more pleasant not to have to do that barefoot. Also, she left him fully clothed! She was basically going totally easy on him, in her mind, because she's sweet on him.

It was shaped like an arrow, and it pointed helpfully - from the point of view of a rural police department looking for a person of color to blame - straight at him.

A tribute to the Umbrella Academy title sequence for Lila, and a coincidence in-universe. She's not murdered someone in a way that purposefully ends in a bloodstained arrow. Probably. Also the person totally deserved murdering, idk why, but they did.

Diego sighed, and rose smoothly to his feet.

Time to play Which Will Break First: Cuffs, Fence, or Wrist?

See, he's had a nice rest, and now he's ready to play! This is a relatively low-stakes operation, whatever is happening, it's something that he'll get out of, at some inconvenience to himself, and get back home, and then later on she'll show up again and he can grump at her for leaving him handcuffed to a fucking fence, what the hell, Lila?! to his heart's content.

(ETA: Also...he’s handcuffed to a fence. It’s probably wooden, or if not, rusty. Of course that is going to break first. He just needs to twist or kick right.)

I think that's all I've got! Aside from the fact that, weirdly enough, today I am wearing a T-shirt that says 'Just Peachy', which I mainly like bc it reminds me of that song…

[jawritter]

Age Is Just A Number...

Request by: @missafairy​ Hello :) How do feel about an age difference, post-sex one-shot? Alternate universe (no hunting), consensual, not underage but quite a big age difference (like at least 10years) where Dean is like freaking out because he's Dean and doesn't want to destroy the girl's life?

Pairing: AU Mechanic!Dean Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester x Bobby Singer.

Word Count: 1370

Warnings: Implied post smut, implied car smut, Mechanic! Dean, yes that is a warning. Language, insecure Dean, A little Angst, Fluff if you squint. Age gap. (10 years). I think that’s it.

A/N: Hope you enjoy this one, because it is a little different than my usual, and I do hope this is okay as far as filling your request! As always all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! Hope you all enjoy this one!

Dean was bent over the hood of a ‘68 Ford Mustang in his Uncle Bobby's Garage. This particular car had been giving him quite a bit of trouble today. The manifold that he was replacing just didn't want to go into place the way it was supposed to, and the owner would be there tomorrow to pick up his car. 

Normally something as simple as this he would have been able to do in less than five minutes, but he was distracted today, and his mind really wasn't on what he was doing. 

It was on what happened in the back seat of the car he was currently working on during his lunch break, and fun, spontaneous, and exciting as it was, he still couldn’t shake this stupid feeling he had that he just wasn’t good enough for someone as amazing as her. 

After a third failed attempt in a row to get the damn thing to tighten down he threw the socket wrench he was using across the garage, and walked off with his hands in his hair to the open garage door, leaning against the wall, breathing in the thick summer air, and letting it burn into his lungs.

"What's wrong with you boy?" Bobby asked, walking around the garage with paperwork in his hand from his most recent tow, the same grumpy expression on his face that Dean had become very accustomed to over the years. 

"Nothing, just can't get the damn intake manifold to tighten down, that's all." 

Walking past him his nephew Bobby threw the paperwork down on the cluttered, dirty desk in the corner of the room before going to look at the manifold that seemed to be giving Dean such a fit. Picking up a socket wrench that was laying on the ground over by the wall of the garage he made quick work of tightening everything down into its place. Dean just stood there looking at the car as if it had personally offended him, and he hated the damn thing.

"There," Bobby said, dropping the hood on the car, and pulling the grease-stained rag from his back pocket, wiping his hands, and looking at Dean in a way that said he was reading his mail without Dean even opening his mouth.

"Wanna tell me what's got your panties in a twist boy? Because there was no reason you should have been having that much trouble just to tighten down a damn intake manifold." 

Dean walked over the old Dodge pickup that was parked next to the mustang and perched himself on the hood. Bobby made his way over to the small refrigerator in the corner of the shop, grabbing two beers and passing one of them to Dean.

"It's Y/N, I'm thinking maybe I should break things off between us," Dean said, picking at the label on the beer bottle he was holding before taking a deep swig of it.

The cold beer felt amazing going down his throat, soothing his overheated body in probably the most unhealthy way possible, but he didn’t care, it was just too damn hot out today, and this beer was too damn good to nurse.

"Why? She's a sweet kid, head over heal for your dumb ass. Why would you want to break things off with that girl? I saw her up here bring you lunch earlier today,"  Bobby said, eyes narrow like if he could reach across the garage without having to actually move from his seat on top of the desk he would. 

Dean just shook his head, looking anywhere in the garage but in Bobby’s direction.

"Spill boy, I damn near raised you, when you was a kid and did something stupid I beat your ass for your own good, and if your about to do something stupid as let that girl go, I'll beat your ass now. So you better cough up a damn good reason why you're being such an idjit, but cause I like that girl."

Taking a deep breath Dean looked at his uncle for the first time since they started this conversation, but he knew the old man wouldn't let it go until he told him the truth about what was going on in his head.

"I'm not good enough for her Bobby. She's young and smart, and fucking gorgeous. She's got a damn good job, she's got so much ahead of her. I'm WAY too old for her. There are 10 years between us. I'm a mechanic. She's a RN. I drink too much. I'm covered with issues man. She doesn't need any of my shit. She needs the chance to find someone her own age. Some doctors or something she works with, someone who can take care of her and give her the life she deserves." 

Bobby said nothing during Dean's whole little rant, just let him get it all out. 

"You finished throwing yourself a little pity party so I can tell you how stupid you sound," Bobby said, no hint of amusement in his voice.

"Dean that girl loves you, and you're right you don't deserve her, but if you throw that away you will live the rest of your pathetic miserable life regretting it. People like her only come around once in a lifetime. You give this up and it will be the biggest mistake you ever make, and one you won't get to take back. She doesn't care that you are a mechanic, or that you've got issues, point to me one person out there that doesn't have issues. That's no reason to fuck up a good thing with a good girl just because you are feeling insecure about yourself, and got all in your feelings. Stop worrying about age differences. Age is just a number."

Dean couldn't look up at his Uncle, because deep down he knew he was right. 

"What if she wants to have kids, by the time the kid turns 10 I'll be in well into my fifties."

"Then you should have plenty of life experience, and by then that you will be able to give your kid a much better life than your father ever gave you," Bobby said coldly. 

That's what Dean liked about the man, he had no filter and wasn’t afraid to tell Dean when he was being fucking ridiculous. 

"I can promise you this Dean, whatever excuse you make won't be good enough to leave that girl. Period. Now go clean your ass up, go home to Y/N, and show that woman how much you love her before I kick your ass six ways from Sunday," Bobby said, pulling out Dean's paycheck for the week, and handing it to him before leaving the garage. 

Dean shook his head looking down at the check in his hands. He honestly didn't know what he'd ever do without that grumpy old man, but he did hope when he got older, that he'd be half the man that he was, and he was thankful every damn day that he had him here with him because he was more of a father to Dean than he ever had. 

Bobby was right, Y/N was his everything, and if he threw it all away now he deserved the ass kick that he had coming his way. Sure their relationship wasn't exactly conventional by most standards. Y/N was way out of his league, and he probably was too old for her according to most people, but he didn't care. Bobby was right. Age is just a number. It doesn’t mean shit. He loved that woman more than he'd ever loved anyone, and he couldn't live without her even if he got himself all worked up and had to be talked down sometimes.

Dean heard footsteps making their way through the gravel driveway to the still open garage doors. He smelled her perfume before he even saw her, and it smelt like home. She was his home.

"Hey, handsome. Ready to go?" Y/N asked, as she leaned against the opening of the garage, and smirk playing on her lips, and her sundress flowing in the summer breeze. She never failed to take his breath away, and as soon as he saw her smile at him, all his worries seemed so small.

"Yeah Sweetheart, let's go home."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tag List: 

@deanwanddamons​​ @imabitch4jensen​​ @rvgrsbrns​​ @bi-danvers0​​ @onethirstyunicorn​​ @i-love-superhero​​ @akshi8278​ @alanegaming​ @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​ @squirrelnotsam​ @hobby27​ @spnbaby-67​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​

[everwitch-magiks]

dance with somebody (ch. 13)

start from ch. 1 | back to ch. 12

They don't win.

It’s not their first loss nor anywhere near their worst, but the team is still predictably subdued as they pile back into the locker room. Whiskey makes for his stall and slumps into it, closing his eyes and allowing himself one minute to just breathe, and think of nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Then he gets back up, and crosses the room.

“Pips. Hey, Pips.”

Pips, preoccupied with slowly and methodically unlacing his skates, barely looks up.

“Hey,” Whiskey repeats, his tone a little gentler. “Good shot.”

Pips shrugs.

“Great angle,” Whiskey continues patiently. “Good call.”

“Would’ve been,” Pips mumbles. “If I hadn’t missed.”

“It was a great angle.” Whiskey’s tone is firm. “Yale’s got a killer defense, you know they do. We all knew this would be a tough one. But we almost had it – we could’ve won – and if we’d won it would’ve been because we played good, solid hockey, we stuck to our strategy and it really worked. I honestly think this is one of the best games we’ve played, this season.”

“Easy for you to say,” Pips points out, his tone still a little quiet. “Nice goal, by the way.”

Whiskey pauses for a moment. Pips is right – it was a nice goal. Maybe even the kind of goal that would’ve still been on Whiskey’s mind, last season, whether or not Samwell had won or lost in the end. This year, Whiskey can’t say he’s been as focused on his own achievements as he once used to be. Or maybe, it’s just become more difficult to separate the idea of his own progress from the progress they make as a team.

“I’d never have scored that goal without the assist from Jader,” Whiskey points out. “Which you set up, as I recall – beautiful pass, there. We should go over that sequence again at practice, see if we can make it into a new play.”

Pips shrugs.

“We still lost, in the end,” he reminds Whiskey, as if Whiskey might somehow have forgotten. Still, he sounds significantly less shattered. “This sucks. I’m so exhausted, I could sleep for a week.”

“How about you shower, first,” Whiskey suggests firmly. “Come on. We still have the kegster.”

Pips makes a face that’s somewhere right in between a frown and a grimace.

“Remember, you’re not allowed at post-keg breakfast unless you actually come to the kegster,” Whiskey makes up, perhaps a little bit too quickly. “And I’m baking, so. You kind of have to come.”

“Not sure if I’ve ever seen that in the bylaws,” Pips chirps back, without any real bite. “You making scones?”

“I fucking hope so, since I literally can’t bake anything else.”

“Ugh. Fine, then.” Pips’s expression changes into something that isn’t not a smile. “Now leave me alone so I can actually shower.”

Whiskey smiles back, relieved.

He straightens up, and looks around. The rest of the team still seems to be in varying stages of grief. Dex is across the room caught up in a quiet conversation with Louis, his expression predictably earnest – he looks up just long enough to catch Whiskey’s eye and jerk his head in Joyo’s general direction, probably because Joyo looks like he’s about to be fucking sick.

Whiskey spares a second to offer Dex a single nod. Then he goes.

Much, much later, Whiskey finally makes it out of the locker room.

Technically speaking, he isn’t late. Because thankfully, he did have the sense to inform Miguel that it might take him a little while before they could meet up, after the game. Still, Miguel probably didn’t expect a little while to equal almost two hours.

Maybe it’s just as well, Whiskey thinks miserably. Maybe he's been pathetically nervous all week about taking a boy to the post-game kegster for absolutely no reason at all.

A little out of breath, Whiskey half-jogs the last few steps down the corridor before finally pushing the door open, stepping into the night. Their agreed-upon meeting place is just around the corner. As Whiskey makes the turn, he fully expects to find it completely empty.

It’s not.

Miguel is sitting cross-legged on the steps to the side entrance of Faber. He’s typing something on his phone, his fingers moving rapidly, which is why he hasn’t seemed to notice Whiskey’s presence just yet. He looks… Really pretty. Almost more so than usually.

Whiskey pauses for a moment.

It feels more than a little bit surreal, now that the moment is finally here. This is actually happening. Miguel has waited for him, all this time, and any minute now Whiskey will go over to him, and say hi, and then he’ll-

Miguel looks up.

Whiskey’s breath catches as their eyes meet.

Immediately, Miguel gets to his feet.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Whiskey manages a few steps forward. There. He can totally do this. “I’m so sorry I took so long.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Miguel shifts his feet. He’s smiling a little, in a way that makes him look uncharacteristically shy. “I’m not sure what the protocol is for when you play super well but don’t actually win… Congratulations is probably wrong, but that goal? Was seriously awesome.”

“Thanks.” Whiskey clears his throat. He’s not sure what the protocol is for any of this. “Um. Should we…?”

“Yeah, yes.” Miguel sticks his hands in his pockets. “D’you… It’s this way, right? The hockey frat.”

“The Haus,” Whiskey corrects him automatically. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

Miguel continues to chat about the game as they walk, bringing up details about Whiskey's playing that are specific enough for Whiskey to wonder if Miguel has watched any of the other players much at all. It’s kind of sweet, in a way that Whiskey hasn't been sure if he has any reason to expect, tonight.

Because it's not like Whiskey actually knows whether or not Miguel thinks of this as a date. Whether or not Miguel even wants it to be.

When they get there, the kegster seems to be nearing full swing.

Whiskey gets them each a cup of tub juice, which Miguel has several intrigued questions about, and that conversation carries them inside. Without any real plan, Whiskey leads Miguel into the kitchen. The volume is a little less unbearable there, and Whiskey is nowhere near ready to be faced with a dance floor just yet.

They say hello to Tango and Louis, who both appear almost disappointingly unfaced when Whiskey introduces Miguel. Still, when Dex looks up from his pie dough long enough to spare them a glance, Whiskey isn't entirely comfortable with how Dex’s eyes dart curiously between Whiskey and Miguel, either.

"This is by far the nicest frat house I've ever been to." Miguel sips his tub juice, his gaze moving from the colorful curtains to the potted plants on the windowsill. "You have to tell me your secret. D'you lot have a housekeeper cooped up in the basement, or something?"

"Not a housekeeper, exactly," Whiskey says, grinning slightly. "But he does actually live in the basement."

"Hey!" Dex protests cheerfully. "I'll have you know Bitty called my bungalow a five-star resort."

"Was that before or after you installed the jacuzzi?" Tango asks.

Miguel catches Whiskey's eyes, his eyebrows raised.

"No, really." Whiskey shrugs. "Dex built a bungalow in the basement. With a jacuzzi."

"Right. Suddenly, I'm not as impressed by the houseplants." Miguel smiles. "Who's Bitty?"

"Oh, he was our captain last year," Louis tells him. "Solid dude. And of course the first out NCAA men’s hockey captain. Hey, Dex, does that make you the second?"

"Dunno, there's this dude in Colorado who came out around the same time." Dex shrugs. "And there's out players in lots of places, this year."

"As there should be." Tango raises his can of beer, grinning. "Here's to us, blazing the trail as the gayest NCAA team there is!"

Whiskey shakes his head, smiling a little as he takes a drink with the rest of them. Miguel meets his eyes again over the top of his cup. His expression is somewhat difficult to read – he looks both curious and, for some reason, a little doubtful.

"I never really got why Bitty gave you his dibs," Tango tells Whiskey, before Miguel has the chance to ask anything else. "Obviously, super well deserved. I just didn't think you two were ever that close."

It's just like Tango, to be asking a question even when he technically isn't.

"Dibs?" Miguel repeats with interest.

"His room," Whiskey says quickly. "I got Bitty's room, when he moved out." He turns towards Tango. "I don't know. We had some good conversations, I guess."

"Well, then that must've..." Tango begins, then stops. He grins. "Hey. That's the song, isn't it?"

As if on cue, Ford bursts through the door.

"Legends only!" she hollers, grinning happily towards Tango and Whiskey before noticing Miguel's presence between them. "Oh. Hello, there."

"Ford, this is Miguel, we’re.... He's in my class, and-"

"Yes, great, we can all meet later. Now come on." Ford gestures wildly towards the living room. "We have to dance!"

They pile out of the kitchen, Miguel sticking close to Whiskey. Thankfully, he looks mostly amused, as opposed to completely and utterly panicked. Whiskey wishes he could say the same for himself.

It's not too bad, at first. I wanna dance with somebody has been the song of their trio for a while, now – Whiskey can’t quite pinpoint when exactly that happened, but that doesn’t make it any less true – and so it’s not the first time he’s found himself in the middle of the Haus dance floor making himself look ridiculous next to Ford and Tango. He’s done this before, and it’s not so different with Miguel right there beside him, smiling and moving to the music. If anything, it’s a little better. A little more.

The next song is different.

It’s still up-tempo, thank God, and they all keep dancing, but there’s something about the sound of this song, or maybe the lyrics, that makes Whiskey look over towards Miguel a lot more. Surprisingly, Miguel is looking at him too. Miguel is looking at Whiskey a whole fucking lot. Maybe he’s been, the whole time since they got to the Haus – or maybe, if Whiskey thinks about it, Miguel has kind of been paying close attention to him for a lot longer than that.

Out of the corner of his eye, Whiskey sees Dex pull Nursey into a kiss. Across the room, Joyo is stepping into Jader’s personal space without any hesitation, and then they’re both disappearing out of the Haus, their hands loosely intertwined. There’s nothing holding me back croons the singer on the track, his voice raw and hungry and desperate, and all of a sudden, Whiskey wants to scream.

He needs to get out of there.

“Hey,” he says, getting Miguel’s attention – not that he didn’t have it, already. “D’you want-”

“Yeah.” Miguel doesn’t even wait for Whiskey to finish the sentence. “Sure. Sounds good.”

“Okay.” Whiskey breathes, in and out. “Okay. This way.”

He leads Miguel through the crowd, out into the hallway and up the stairs. Before he can think too much about it, they’re stepping into Whiskey’s bedroom. Unfortunately, the state of it is truly a testament to the fact that Whiskey never imagined tonight playing out quite like this.

“Man, I wish I didn't share a dorm room.” Miguel is looking around himself, a little curiously. He doesn’t seem to mind the unmade bed or the dirty laundry discarded in various places. “I’m hoping to move into the water polo frat, next semester – we don’t have a dibs system, so there’s basically just a list, and…”

Miguel trails off. He’s looking at Whiskey, who’s sitting on the edge of his bed, still struggling to keep his breaths even.

“Hey,” Miguel says gently. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Whiskey manages, before shaking his head. “No. Not really.”

“Okay.” Miguel shifts his feet. “D’you… Should I go?”

“No,” Whiskey says immediately. He looks up at Miguel, his mind suddenly a little clearer. “No, I’m… I’d like it if you stayed. Please.”

Miguel studies his expression for a moment, biting his lower lip, and all of a sudden it seems like he finds what he’s been looking for all this time. He takes a step forward, then another, until he’s slowly walked all the way over to Whiskey. Carefully, and very deliberately, he reaches out to gently trace his fingertips across Whiskey’s cheek.

“I’m not reading this wrong, am I?” he asks, his tone quiet. “Whiskey. Please say something.”

Whiskey takes a steadying breath.

“You’re exactly right,” he admits, his voice coming out rougher than he expected. “Exactly right. Miguel, I’m… I want-”

“Okay,” Miguel breathes out. “Okay. Good.”

Then he leans in.

It’s a wonderful kiss, soft and languid and unhurried, and Whiskey lets his eyes fall shut. He can’t believe that this is actually happening. Can’t believe how he ever got so lucky.

There’s a noise from the stairs, and then someone passes by out in the hallway. Whiskey pulls back, abruptly.

“I’m not out,” he says hurriedly.

Miguel blinks.

“Oh,” he says, clearly startled. “Okay, that’s… Okay.”

“Can I…” Whiskey licks his lips. “Can I close the door?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Quickly, Whiskey crosses the room and closes the door. Then he turns around. Miguel sits down in the space Whiskey just vacated, his expression a little confused.

The moment has passed.

Whiskey pulls out his desk chair and sinks down into it.

“I’m sorry,” he adds, even though he’s not sure what good it’ll do. Still, it’s the truth. “I’m so sorry that I’m not… That we can’t just-”

“No. Stop.” Miguel’s tone is firm. “You’ve done nothing wrong. Obviously, you’re not required to be out. It’s hardly mandatory.”

“It would make things easier,” Whiskey argues weakly.

“Maybe, yeah.” Miguel shrugs. He smiles a little. “This actually explains so much.”

“I’m so sorry,” Whiskey repeats, then continues before Miguel can protest again. “Are you, uh. Are you out?”

“Yeah. I came out at the end of last semester.” Miguel shrugs again. “I’m the only one on the water polo team, but they’ve all been very cool about it. Maybe not quite as cool as your team, but that’s kind of asking for a lot, isn’t it?”

“Samwell Men’s Hockey is a special place,” Whiskey agrees. It doesn’t make him feel any less guilty. “I’m just… I don’t know, if…”

Whiskey trails off. He’s not even sure what he’s trying to say.

“Okay,” Miguel says calmly. He tilts his head, his expression shifting into something a little less hesitant. “So.”

There’s something in his tone that Whiskey can’t quite place. He’s never been so confused by a single syllable, before.

“So,” Miguel repeats, a little more firmly. “Does this mean kissing’s off the table, or…?”

Whiskey stares at him.

“No,” he says, at least five seconds too late. “No, that’s… You still want to?”

“Uh, yes?” Miguel grins sheepishly. “I mean, only if you do, too. No pressure. We can just chill, or whatever."

“Um.” Whiskey licks his lips. “No, I’m… I’d actually really like that.”

Miguel's grin widens, just a bit.

Then he gets up, and quickly makes his way over.

ch. 14

[gelo-p]

Cycling Seasons, Fresh Skies: Memories

I knew from a long time ago that if I’d ever go for a T10, this would be it. When the event was finally getting closer, early estimates told me I was 900 flames short; I’d have to buy stars for this event.

(WARNING: A rather image-heavy post)

Perhaps the moment I honestly considered T10 instead of settling for T100.

Definitely the moment I knew there was no turning back. :)))

Believe me, this was not the only purchase I made for this event.

I needed a better Challenge Live team, so I knew getting a 4* Happy Ran is required, to complete my Happy Afterglow team. I’ve never gotten any 4* Ran before, so thank god the 4* Exchange Ticket had the perfect timing.

“WAIT. YOU WERE USING A HAPPY TEAM ALL THIS TIME???”

Yep. ^^ Well, my Multi Live team was Powerful Afterglow-based, but had only 2 4-stars, sooo I knew it wouldn’t cut it.

There she is <3

I’ve always stopped at Skill Level 4, but I really had to pull out all the stops. Ran is my first Skill Level 5 member. ^^ (everyone in my CL team also received the level 5 upgrade)

Alright, let’s do this! Hey Hey Hoh~!

The event has finally begun! I initially found it amusing seeing all sorts of titles being shown off. This one in particular stood out to me. XD

(Looking back, that Sinz person would later turn out to be a serious T10 contender. I think they changed their name to Pyokun after some time)

Here’s a screenshot of a rare T5 GeLö-P. I really wanted to share this with you guys, but I figured I’d jinx myself by revealing publicly what I was trying to do. :>

(I will doubt the existence of God Almighty, but believe in being jinxed. Life is weird sometimes.)

Well, that’s the Grand Room for ya’. Meta songs all the way~

How do you even react to that?

With this. :)))

NEXT YOU’LL SAY FUEEEEE

Home Street...

Home Street.......

HEY HEY HOH~! 

The moment I ran out of large energy drinks, and had to start spending stars. </3 Small energy drinks were still reserved for moments I can afford to wait out the 30-minute refill timer.

The 5 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

My first time doing the “recover waaaaay more than 10 flames” thing

Huhehe huhehe huhehe...

I too would like some of those Afterglow pins. T_T

Baby Shak my as-

Aaaand we have a dodger, ladies and gentlemen. XD

I think this guy needs to be banned.

Home Street? Pssh, that was so yesterday. Jumpin’ is the shit now.

Ganbatte, P5.

Himari~

My 2nd encounter with Ghostkillers (who later become T12..?). He chose Senbonzakura the first time, so when he did it again, I thought I’d save it for posterity. ^^

The “I too would like to live dangerously” gang 8-)

The first time I switched away from my dua T100 titles. I figured I’d stop trying to “scare” the competition.

First time tracking T10 scores. This would later prove to be very useful in seeing if my projection will hold (although I shifted to tracking T3 - T12).

Taking a break, so I watched ads for free flames. :)))))

Moca, Ran, GeLö-P, and a weird name. Huh. Okay.

Kyu~Mai * Flower was released! Played this one on Hard.

...this one I played on Expert...

...and thank fuck I got it first try, because oh boy I’m not playing that beat map again. >_<

“Ban me if you can” ?? Why??

Aaaaand this motherfucker right here was cheating and inflating his score. I personally reported him to the game admins over on twitter, and they’ve informed me that they were already aware of this idiot. Saw him just once more after this.

Yes. That’s 91 million, 798 thousand, 346.

I actually encountered them once before this, but didn’t notice anything off about their score (was already dazed at that time). And then a discussion started over at reddit, so when I met him again, I took screenshots.

Ganbatte :))

Had time for a quick hey hey hoh spam ^^

Which day was this..? Anyway I came up with my brilliant pun. Read the comment, see if you can figure it out. :3

MocaRan and YukiLisa. Sigh. I don’t think we can be friends, P5.

:)))

Told you, Ghostkillers only pick Senbonzakura XD

Tomoe’s Birthday! ^^

Even the game won’t let you have a GF, P5. XD

HEATHCLIFF STOP PICKING BABY SHARK

(almost sure they’re famous in the competitive scene... I don’t know them tho LOL)

I woke up one morning to find there was no internet.

FUCK ME

I knew mobile data was going to result to multiple disconnects, but thank fuck I had lots of challenge points to spare. I passed the time productively, and by the time I was done, internet was back. Whew.

Rank update: currently T8. ^^

More of Ghostkillers x Senbonzakura and JFC that name tho P2

Shitpost comment XD

First time seeing 2 other T10 contenders in the same room: Itsuki and Ghostkillers.

Probably the point where I started spamming Tokimeki Poporon instead of Home Street.

Also there’s a looot of interesting names in Bandori.

As a YukiRan / MocaLisa shipper (well more of SayoLisa nowadays), it is my job to destroy players 1, 3, and 5. >:(

Wallet: IT’S NOT POSSIBLE

Me: NO, IT’S NECESSARY

...aaaaaand I immediately threw away 10k stars hoping for Megane Ran, but got shit. (This would later force me to make 2 more purchases XD Seriously though, I could have saved a lot of money with a better star purchase plan)

I got Loli Rinko tho. <3

Which day was this...? I think this was the moment I knew Ghostkillers has given up. I was laughing my ass off reading the comments. I think everyone of us was half-dead at this point. XD

And so we’re down to the final 11.

I’ve started considering the possibility at this point that I might be the final one to bow out.

OMG I CAN’T SEE PLAYER 2

BUSHIDO~!

I was feeling the despair at this point, and thus started singing Komm Susser Tod

I do mini-sprints in the morning, so I’m T6 here. I usually fall back down to ~T9 in the afternoon.

I usually level up once per event. I started this event from Rank 193. :)))

(well it was technically 192, but I was like 2 games away from leveling up)

XD

There are no experts in this room :v

Jumpin = NO FEVER, but picks meta song anyway. Okay. :v

Hey! All Random!

Game: DID SOMEONE ASK FOR A META SONG

I have a lot of friend requests at this point (probably from people seeing me on the T10 list), but I don’t have enough space to accept them all :((

Bread-themed profile!

Poppin’ Party, Puff n’ Pastry... get it?

Itsuki started spamming BOF at this point.

Doki doki~

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME~ ♪ ♫

P1 is an IRL friend :))) I’d later tease her about how slow she is picking songs LOL

Some Initial D reference for overtaking :P Of course I was badly falling behind at this point (T9 is hella dangerous), but I had no choice but to continue to believe in the math (and that early overtaking is a bad choice).

“Early moves lets your opponents recover from mental shock.” - Ryosuke Takahashi, Initial D 3rd Stage

No seriously, that’s exactly what I was thinking of. And also “Not yet, not yet, now” from Ford v Ferrari.

P1 & P5 get married already...

FINAL NIGHT.

I’m down to T11, and everybody else already did 2.3M-sprints some hours earlier, and have considerably slowed down.

I, on the other, was about to go to sleep. Yes, I, the current T11, was about to let the others pull away. All I could do was believe in the Math at that point, because let me tell you-

I had 105k challenge points left. That’s 3.4M event points I had yet to sprint.

This was during the final morning, 9 hours before event ended. When I woke up that morning, my heart was pounding like crazy. What if everybody has pulled ahead?

When I finally checked, most of the T10′s were still in the 17M-range. Itsuki was on T10, and he was only 500k away. I knew at that point that my chances were pretty good; however, I shut up about it, set my comment to “Now Playing: Running in the 90′s”, and got to work.

There was nothing else I could to but consume all the CP I had left. No more tracking. A literal 5-hour non-stop sprint to 19.2M points. If they can still catch up even after they’ve already expended their CP yesterday, then maybe I don’t deserve this T10 after all.

All I need to do was beat one of them. It was me or them.

Holy shi-

I wasn’t out of the woods yet, had to make sure at least one of them didn’t overtake me. Of course that was more up to them, since I didn’t have any strength left (my thumb stopped working at that point, no seriously, it’s still not working properly even today). I also didn’t have any significant stars left.

I managed to sneak in a few songs, but that was it. I was done. The others managed to close the gap, but I stayed in T6.

And then the event was over.

I fucking did it.

------

I would later learn that this was the bloodiest (Challenge Live) event in the history of ENdori. In one redditor’s words, I “ ...sure picked a hell of a time to go for it.”

I had no choice. This is Megane Ran we’re talking about. <3

I had some idea tbh, because I managed to read a tweet in the middle of the event, that “this was one lit T10″. Apparently we were on track to beat the previous record-holder, which was Sayo’s Umbrella event.

I’m... really glad to have been part of this event. I feel so darn proud of myself. >:3

But I couldn’t have done it without the help of the Grand Room. Seriously, I only played in the Grand Room.

Remember this?

I don’t have (competitive) friends. :))) So thank you, all. *bow*

I’d like to thank IRL-friend otearaisu over at twitter for putting up with my excessive score projection updates. XD I have a really detailed excel sheet to check if I was on track or not, and whenever there were developments, I’d always tell him about it, even in the dead of the night. XD

------

Would I ever do this again? Probably not. This was the only event that I knew I really wanted to go for, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Maybe I’ll get a couple of T100′s in the future, but that’s it. ^^

See you in the lobby~

[atariince]

Read your opinion about L&B, It Is really interesting and I agree :) my question Is why do you think the feanorians did not dare to atack Luthien while she had the Silmaril? This has always been a mistery to me

Hi ! Thanks a lot for your positive feedback!

Your question is a very good one and we can only speculate and come upwith our own answers. I have a few hypothesis of my own, but there’s no way toascertain any of them.

But first of all, I’d like to emphasize the fact that this idea that the Fëanorians did not attack Lúthien once she had the Silmaril is an important part of the plot – I mean, beside the fact that it is a useful narrative tool which allows the second kinslaying to happen in Doriath and to involve Lúthien’s descendants, it is also useful for the characterization of Lúthien and it develops her legend and the way she’s regarded by the other characters.  

Anyway, here are my main hypothesis, in no specific order, and please keep in mind that they’re not incompatible and do not exclude one another.

1. The light of the Silmaril enhances Lúthien’s power

It’s hard to assert that the Ainur are actually more powerful in the light of the Trees, but you cannot deny that their relation to light is somehow remarkable. We know about Melian that “the light of Aman was in her face” and that it made her stand out in the dark when Elwë meets her, and this makes me believe that maybe, the Ainur kinda absorb the light; could they feed off on it? I have no idea, but that could be a possibility. This sole question deserves a whole post in itself, and I’m not doing that. Yet, I’ll just point at what is said in the Quenta about Lúthien wearing the jewel:

“And it is said and sung that Lúthien wearing that necklace and that immortal jewel on her white breast was the vision of greatest beauty and glory that has ever been seen outside the realms of Valinor and that for a while the Land of the Dead that Live became like a vision of the land of the Gods, and no place have been so fair, so fruitful, or so filled with light”.

We have the first words “it is said and sung”: no assertion – a legend, a saying, a rumour. No one witnessed it save Beren, Dior and possibly a few elves of Ossiriand. So, who knows? Now, all doubts put aside, this image of Lúthien gives way to many assumptions, including that of her power and the idea that the jewel indeed increases it. “Glory” here doesn’t only refer to beauty or fame, it is really a word that has to do with majesty, if not power. When we speak of the glory of the Valar, with speak of their majesty but also of the very might of their presence. This etymological point is very interesting, so I just drop that here and leave it to that because there would be too much to say. Anyway, it is obvious that the jewel allows Lúthien to enjoy the full might of her power (even though she’s a mortal at this point), and indeed, the sight of her in this situation must have been very impressive… to say the least.

So, we can easily imagine that, with the light of the Silmaril reflecting on her face, Lúthien appears not only lovelier than anything in the world, but also more powerful (after beauty and power are close intertwined n Tolkien’s lore). And maybe she is indeed more powerful while holding a Silmaril. Or maybe she just seems to be more powerful, but that would be enough for the Fëanorians to stand back.

2. Námo roots for her

The Fëanorian must have heard rumours about L&B’s miraculous returnfrom Mandos. They must have guessed that, whatever happened there was unusual, and that she benefited a very unexpected support from the Vala, that same Vala who actually cursed the Ñoldor. There’s no denying that Námo resents greatly the exiled Ñoldor, and surely the latter know they’re in his black book. Therefor if they know that Námo favours Lúthien, they wouldprobably be very careful in their dealing with her.

Or.

It could be both of those hypothesis, because in the end, the Fëanorians haven’t met Lúthien since her return, but they’ve heard rumours of her power, of her greatness, of the kind way the Valar treated her. They know just two things for sure: she could be dangerous, but she’s mortal now. Just. Be. Patient.

Which leads to my final theory:

3. The Fëanorians know nothing at all, and the narrator fills the gap

The Fëanorians might not be aware that Lúthien has the Silmaril; They might just know Doriath was ransacked by the Naugrim, and that Thingol’s treasure has been looted, including the Silmaril. So they’re looking for it, but they don’t know where it could be. And indeed, it’s only when Dior inherits the necklace that the Fëanorians learns that “A Silmaril of Fëanor burns again in the woods of Doriath” while the narrator explains that the attack on Doriath is due to the oath waking up when they hear of the “renewal of Doriath and of Dior’s pride”. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because, well… when Lúthien wore the Nauglamír, if they knew that she did, there would have been something like “a Silmaril burns in Tol Galen”, and the oath would have been rekindled at this point… right? But no, it only happened afterwards.

Moreover I can’t believe that they went for a kinslaying partly because of “the renewal of Doriath”. I mean, even if the Fëanorians had their feud with Thingol, Doriath itself is more a shield against Melkor than an impediment in the war against Angband…they should be somehow relieved to see it back, don’t you think? So yeah, I’m not digging it. Consequently, it is possible that they just didn’t know Lúthien had the Silmaril, and only heard about it when Dior wore it, and Dior refused to surrender it and that caused the Second Kinslaying. 

The tricky bit is the actual journey of that Silmaril; there are severalversions which make it hard to follow, so I’ll go for a quick sum up:

In the published Silmarillion: the Dwarves loot Doriath, leave with a Silmaril; Beren and the elves of Ossiriand stop them on their way to Nogrod and Beren gets the necklace back.

In The Nauglafring : after the plundering of Doriath, Huan (stillalive in this version) leaves Doriath and finds Beren and Lúthien,who immediately understand what happened. Beren and his rangers march forth to stop the loiterers at the ford of Aros. Beren kills Naugladur and takes the cursed necklace to bring it back to Lúthien. Gwendelin (=Melian) comes to meet them and “she cried as in amaze beholding the Necklace of the Dwarves that hung about the white throat of Tinúviel”. Also, in this tale, after Dior’s return to Doriath, Maidros (Maedhros) “called to his brethren […] and he said to them how it was known to him that a Silmaril of those their father Fëanor had made was now the pride and glory of Dior of the Southern Vales.” Obviously, it seems theyhad no idea where the Silmaril was before that moment, that is when the “fame of that jewel spread like fire through all the regions of the North, and the Elves said one to another: “a Silmaril of Fëanor burns in the woods of Hísilómë”.” So they discrover the Silmaril with the rumours of the return of Dior.

The Earliest Silmarillion explains how “the dwarves are ambushed at aford by Beren and the brown and green Elves of the wood” and how Beren “takes the Nauglafring”. We also learn that “Melian warned Beren of the curse of the gold and of the Silmaril […] but the Nauglafring remains hoarded secretly in Beren’s keeping.” The idea that he kept it “secretly” is interesting; who knew about it? Surely not the Fëanorians, even though they might think it possible that the jewel is with Lúthien. But would they make war upon her if they’re not sure she has the jewel? I think not. Here, we don’t know how or when they heard of the return of the jewel in Doriath with Dior, only that “after vain bargaining the sons of Fëanor made waron him.”

In the Quenta, Melian warns Beren of the presence of the Dwarves’host; he fights them and takes the necklace. Then, “Melian warned them ever over the curse […] yet the Silmaril they retained”. Dior goes back to Doriath as king, L&B die, Melian leaves to Valinor, and as Dior wears the necklace “the fame of that jewel went far and wide.” And that’s how the Fëanorians seem to have learned about the Silmaril.

The Earliest Annals of Beleriand tell us again that it is Melian whosends Beren to stop the dwarven host; he takes the necklace and keeps it until he and Lúthien die; Dior is king of Doriath, Melian goes back to Valinor and only then “the sons of Fëanor hear tidings of the Silmaril in the East.”

In The Later Annals of Beleriand, Beren again “overthrew the Dwarvesat Sarn-Athad as they return eastward” and he took the Nauglamír and the Silmaril. We also learn in this version that it is after the death of L&B and the departure of Melian that the Fëanorians “heard tidings of the Silmaril in the East, and they gathered from wandering and held council together” which also seems to point toward the idea that they knew not where the jewel was after the ruin of Doriath, because if they did, they would have “gathered from wandering” much earlier and took council to decide if they should attack Lúthien whilst she had the jewel. 

The Tales of Years which accompanied the Annals of Beleriand is maybethe more complicated text, since Tolkien rewrote it several times.

the first draft reads: “the dwarves invade Doriath. Thingol is slain andhis realm ended. Melian returns to Valinor. Beren destroys the Dwarf-host at Rath-Loriel.” 

The second draft was altered and enriched: “the Dwarves invade Doriath. Thingol is slain and his realm ended. Melian takes Nauglamír to Beren and Lúthien and she returns to Valinor. Celegorm and Curufin destroy the Dwarf-host at Sarn-Athrad in Rath-Loriel, and are wroth to find the Silmaril not there. Dior goes to Doriath.” THIS is an interesting element for many reasons, and in the matter at stake, it means that the Fëanorians knew very early on what had happened in Doriath and they believed that the Dwarves had the Silmaril with them. However, even if they come to realize their mistake, it does not mean that they will understand that the jewel is now with L&B… they could guess it, but again, it would just be a hunch. Do you make war on a hunch? Especially after the vain killing of the dwarf’s host (because obviously they only killed them because they thought they had the jewel…); would they do the same mistake twice?

Likewise, the next stage gives: “The Dwarves of Belegost and Nogrodinvade Doriath. Thingol is slain and his realm ended. The Dwarves carry off the Dragon-gold, but Melian escaped and carried off the Nauglamírand the Silmaril, and brought it to Beren and Lúthien. Then she returned o Valinor; but Lúthien wore the Silmaril. Now Curufin and Celegorm hearing of the sack of Menegroth ambushed the Dwarves at the ford of Ascar and defeated them. but the Dwarves cast the gold into the river, whichafter was names Rathloriel. Great was he chagrin of the Sons of Fëanor to discover that the Silmaril was not with the Dwarves; but they dared not assail Lúthien.” Here for the first time we have hints of the Fëanorians knowing, or at least guessing that Lúthien has the jewel.  

The next step is basically the same, but what comes later is relevant: “The sons of Fëanor hearing news of the Silmaril that it is in Doriath hold council.” So, again, they dared not attack Lúthien, butit’s only after Dior’s return that they hold council? Hm. I’m not convinced.

What could we conclude after all this? Well, nothing for sure.

But! we see that nothing guarantee that the Fëanorians knew exactly where the Silmaril was after the sack of Doriath – even in the versions that involve Celegorm and Curufin: the boys were certain they would find it with the dwarves while Melian had it, but when they realise they were wrong, how could they be sure it is in the hands of Lúthien? They can’t. In the versions in which Celegorm and Curufin don’t appear, it seems that they all only learn about the jewel when Dior is back in Doriath, while some elements seem to indicate that L&B would rather keep it secret whilst they have it.

Besides, the narrator’s line concerning their refusal to attack Lúthien could be just an invention to increase her aura, to make her appear, through a simple narrative trick, much more impressive, like, “wow, look! even the fell Fëanorians wouldn’t attack her! The girl must be fucking savage”.  (And guess what, it worked.)

Actually, I think that if the Fëanorians had known about it, they’d have sent, at least, an embassy to L&B– after all, in the Naugalfring, they sendCurufin to Dior to discuss the jewel-issue, and in most versions they sentmessages to Dior. I’m pretty sure Maedhros wouldn’t have missed that opportunity to discuss the matter with her, precisely because she’s supposed tobe devoid of greed… but then again, I don’t think they exactly knew what toexpect from her, and of her actual power. So yes, it is possible that theyindeed feared her, precisely because they had little information about her.

There are two main elements that makes me favour that third theoryabout the Fëanorians’ ignorance of the position of the jewel: The first being the recurrent line referring to the fact the oath was awoken when they heard about the Silmaril being in Doriath. If they had known where it was before, why would the oath be awoken only then? The second element is more about the characters themselves, and one in particular… guess whom?

*Curufin*. He had been humiliated by Beren, completely, utterly humiliatedand despoiled. I’ve written enough about this character to have a rather good and full idea of him, and yes it is my own, but come on, don’t you think he doesn’t want to avenge his honour? I actually believe that if he had known for sure that Beren had the jewel, it would have been a very good justification for a gruesome revenge. And he wouldn’t have hesitated to ride to Tol Galen, not only to get the Silmaril, but also to make Beren pay for the disgrace (using the oath to justify it) (Curufin and the art of killing two birds with one stone).

But, those are mere speculations. The more I think about it, the more I believe it could be a bit of all those points that prevented the Fëanorians from attackingL&B. Now you can choose which theory you prefer, or you can come up withyour own 😉 Thanks for your attention!

[johntwick]

one day at a time

Trigger warning: suicide and depression

Word count: 1.6k Read time: 8mins

The beeping of the alarm clock woke you with a start reminding you that you had overslept again. You don’t know why you still had the alarms on, you never used them anymore. Perhaps it was because you wanted to pretend everything was still all ok. That you were still ok.

You turned it off and rolled to the other side of your bed and stared at the wall. Waking up sucked. You closed your eyes and tried to fall back asleep, hoping you could sink back into your temporary escape. After switching positions more than ten times and waiting thirty minutes you came to terms with the fact sleep wasn’t going to come again for some time. Your stomach growled reminding you that you haven’t ate in a day. Making food was so much work and required too much energy. Energy you no longer had. So like all the other times you just willed the pain away and grabbed your phone.

The lack of notifications reminded you that you had deleted all forms of social media and muted all contacts. You had no desire to interact with other people. Isolation didn’t help your situation in the slightest but every time you socialized your whole body just went into flight mode. Your knees would bounce, your stomach would ache and your heart would race.

It was suffocating really, wanting something but your body betrays you and reacts in a different way. Sometimes you wanted to pull your hair out. Why couldn’t you just control the way your brain and body worked. Weren’t you the one in control?

No it all came down to stupid chemicals in your brain that decided for you. You wanted to call to someone for help so badly but you just physically could not bring yourself to do it. You were confined in your own body of flesh and muscle.

Everything was too much, eating, getting dressed, waking up. It was all too much. Nothing felt real anymore. For hours you would lay in bed and just do nothing. Music was boring, movies were too long and everything else just brought you right back to your bed.

Your bed was like a safe haven but even that was getting to be too much. Everything made your skin crawl as you craved to do something, anything, but every time you tried to force yourself to do something you just felt horrible. You were jealous as you watched people outside on the sidewalk; smiling, talking, laughing, just interacting. You’d observe them with a permanent tired look as you would give anything to be like them again.

Coming back to reality you chose to quickly send John a quick text to let him know you weren’t dead.

“I’m not dead.”

The phone notified you that it sent and you threw it back onto your bed. Hopefully that was good enough for him as you finally got up and walked into your bathroom to start a bath.

John and you weren’t dating or, maybe you were but there was no label. Not that it mattered to you, boyfriend and girlfriend was pretty childish anyways. He had been with you last time it had gotten bad and you had promised him you’d tell him again before it got worse but of course, you didn’t.

Just another thing you can’t fucking do right.

You felt guilty not informing John on your situation since you knew he cared about you deeply but every time you wanted to reach out to him you were hit with thoughts of insecurity. You don’t deserve the help, don’t deserve the love and you more importantly don’t deserve to get better.

You wanted help. Your depression didn’t.

As the water filled up you heard your phone ringing from your room. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath letting it go to voicemail. Suddenly you just wanted to go back to your bed. A bath didn’t seem as desirable anymore. You wouldn’t feel safe in it anyways because every time you bathed you just wanted to drown yourself. It was like that with everything though.

Driving? You could crash.

Making food? You could slit your wrists.

Cleaning? You could drink the cleaning products.

You couldn’t do any of that though. After your first suicide attempt John took away all the sharp knives, chemicals and he told you to call him if you ever felt slightly like you couldn’t trust yourself driving. In fact he had finally trusted you enough to give you your meds back.

When you got back from the hospital John stayed with you for a month making sure you were safe and ok. That involved giving you your meds so you couldn’t try anything again. Finding you passed out on your bedroom floor was not something John wanted to relive again.

Obviously John didn’t fix you and he never expected to. He just wanted you to know that he was always there. You were glad it was him who stayed with you because it seemed like he knew everything you needed without you having to ask. John was there when the thoughts got bad. He would silently sneak into the room and would know whether you needed to be held or just watched, to make sure you didn’t harm yourself. He would leave you post notes with therapists names and numbers on it and remind you to shower and eat. If it was really bad John would just say, “Come on let’s go.” and take you for a ride in his 1969 Ford Mustang, even if you just soundlessly sat and stared out the passenger window.

He really was the best.

John eventually deemed you okay enough to allow you to take your meds yourself and he didn’t stay every night. You were okay with that because you knew he had his own life. A lot of the time you actually felt bad that he stayed with you. You had tried to kill yourself and now he was taking care of you like he did something wrong. You wished you had died that night. Cold and alone on the carpet floor of your bedroom but instead you regained consciousness to John holding you on your side and shoving his fingers down your throat, begging you to throw it all up.

You snapped out of your thoughts, turned the water off and drained the tub. Yeah a bath really didn’t seem nice now. Making your way into your room you realized John would probably be over soon and that it was probably him who called earlier. You sat on your bed feeling even more hopeless. Looking all around your room your eyes found your medication bottle and you felt the tears start to appear.

Quickly you crawled across your bed and grabbed the amber bottle with shaky hands. A tear dropped down your face as you got up and locked your bedroom door. When you got back to your bed you closed your eyes and clutched onto the container as if it was an answer — a way out — for all of this. That’s exactly what it was. A way out.

You thought about John. You knew he would be the one to find you again. After all he did for you, you didn’t want to put him through that again, but it just hurt so badly. You wanted to be free of all the pain and torture your own mind was putting you through. With quivering hands you brought the bottle up to your lips and pressed it against them, letting the tears cascade down your face. The sound of a knock, the handle jiggling and John calling to you from the other side of the door made you freeze. You could hear how fanfic he was by how he was pounding on the door.

“YN let me in. Please.” Although he sounded calm you could hear the slight desperation in his voice.

You didn’t realize how loud you were sobbing until you heard a crash as John basically kicked the door off its hinges. He immediately ran over to you grabbed the bottle out of your hand, throwing it to the floor. You looked up at him, tears still streaming down your face while shaking your head nervously as he leisurely sat next to you. He put a hand onto your shoulder and you could see the hurt and pain in his eyes.

“I- I didn’t-“

“When did the meds stop working?” John asked in his well known curt tone but you knew better, and you knew he was worried.

“About a few weeks ago.”

John gently pulled you to him and held you. He tenderly rubbed your head as you wept silently in his soft but muscular arms. An abundance of emotions hit you as you laid there.

Love, comfort, safety and trust.

You clutched onto him as you stared straight passed his shoulder and at the wall behind you guys. After sitting like that for a couple minutes you both finally situated yourselves so you were both lying under the covers in your bed. John was behind you, spooning you, as he held you tightly. You breathed in his scent as it slowly soothed you.

“John, I need help.” You defeatedly said, disrupting the absence of sound. Your voice was nasally from crying and your voice cracked.

John obviously knew this but he also knew that this was a big step for you too. He grabbed you tighter and kissed the top of your head.

“I know.”

John was a man of few words but even with these two little words you knew he was telling you he’d be there for you every step of the way.

[acearchivist359]

My Rise of Skywalker Opinions/Commentary

this is mostly for me but and for my other blog (not on tumblr) but I thought I’d post it here too cause why not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ happy Star Ways Day fellow humans, may the force be with you 

   Okay so here's something I have a lot of opinions about. I'm gonna have to say right off the bat, I didn't like Rise of Skywalker. Being said though, I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. I've seen it twice by now, I wrote my notes having seen it once, I've had lengthy debates about it with multiple people ranging from one of my parent's friends to one of my best friends to my little brother. I saw it like the day after it came out, I wrote my notes on January 1st, so I've sat with this for awhile and I'd sat with the movie before I wrote them. I kinda forgot about it all for a bit cause I blocked it out of my head and then I thought it might be too late to post it but I put a lot of, frankly chaotic, effort into my notes and I figured when it came on Disney+ people might start talking about it again so here we are.  Now I'm still using my original notes, which I added to after seeing it the second time, cause I have no desire to watch this movie again. I really don't. I honestly wouldn't have even seen it twice but I had told my grandma I'd go with her cause she loves Star Wars and she had no one to go with. My grandma loved it, but my grandma loves them all "because it's Star Wars." My mom also saw it and liked it, she's only seen the originals though and had no idea what was going on. I, on the other hand, spent a lot of time hitting myself in the head (the first time round) and there was a few occasions where I honestly said "what the fuck??" out loud in the theatre.  So one more thing I have to note, I feel the same way about the whole trilogy I don't really like any of them and I never did. But I'm not entirely just looking at this as one movie, a lot of what I've got to say looks at this as the end of the "Skywalker Saga" cause that’s what it is. I also have some things that go back through the entire trilogy but this is mainly based around TROS since it's the most recent and I refuse to watch the others to make notes on them. Also, I'm aware of the problem they had with the whole George Lucas vs. Rian Johnson thing and how they wrote them separately, however I'm still gonna call them out on things they should have done to tie things together from the beginning cause that was a really dumb way to do things anyway. Plus like I said I'm looking more big picture on a lot of things (mostly cause there's major plotlines that I hated). One of these days, I'll make a positive review but it won't be about the sequel trilogy, I'll tell you that much.  With all that said, I vote that I get on with this. Just for reference though, none of this is in chronological order. There are some things I did like about this movie, I will give it that, so I feel like we should start there. Small Positive Things:

The first thing I put in my notes is just "Finn and Poe" and honestly that's still a mood. I really liked them in this one and I really saw why people ship them.

The next point in my notes just says "death star" which boils down to two different things: the aesthetic and the Imperial March

I know I said positive things but I didn't think of it in my notes and I need to address this. You're telling me that the Death Star exploded but there's still that big of a piece in tact??? But whatever not the point.

The aesthetic: vague continuity thing aside, I fucking love the Death Star in this I really do. It looks awesome. It's really cool to see this broken down, abandoned version of the Death Star. I loved the Stormtrooper helmets scattered on the ground, for some reason that part really stuck in my head. Being said though I generally love the old Stormtrooper helmets, the First Order ones just don't do it for me, but seeing them scattered around.. Idk it was a nice touch I think

Imperial March: so like the Imperial March is the shit, obviously, but that soft, subtle hint of it in that scene as Rey steps into the throne room is one of the only parts of that movie that made me hit my brother's arm in excitement (we do that at the movies, it's our thing). It reminds me of that thing they do in Clone Wars when Anakin does something just a little Darth Vader.

Right so the next thing I had was that part where Kylo Ren finds Palpatine and he      switches from his voice to Snoke's to Darth Vader's.

It was a little thing but I liked it a lot. As far as having to tie it all together, the idea that it was actually Palpatine manipulating Ren wasn't so bad. (That being said the       whole how Palpatine is around thing is pretty far fetched, but they tried.)

My next thing, and this I actually laughed at as opposed to like confused laughter, is the part where they get back from their little mission to find the map to whatever the place was called and Threepio introduces himself to Artoo and Artoo literally does a double take and backs up like "what the fuck??? " That was such a human expression for a robot, it was hilarious. Also Threepio being like "You're not messing with my head!" *cuts to Artoo messing with Threepio's head* Basically anything Artoo cause I love him.

Again tiny random thing, but the Jet Troopers and the Sith Troopers were really cool. Me and my brother quote the "they fly now??" "they fly now!" part all the time. Also just like red Stormtroopers..

So here's a thing that gave me feelings. (I'd like to just point out that this is one of the      only things that gave me feelings and it's about to be clear why.) Chewie finding out Leia died. That hurt my heart. I knew that they couldn't possibly go through that movie without having Leia die, and I said this before the movie ever came out. What I said before was that they really had two options: they could have Leia die off screen which would have been disrespectful to both Carrie Fisher and Leia or she could just sorta disappear which would have also been bad. However they gave her the death scene she deserved. I mean sort of, jury's out on it really. But Chewie making sad noises and falling to his knees hurt me. Similarly Artoo beeping at her sadly made me weepy. (The Anakin in me really jumps out whenever Artoo comes up but like I love him)

I honestly have nothing else to say for this point besides: I can't believe Harrison      Ford agreed to do that

I just wanna touch on Poe again cause he was always my favourite of the new characters, I wasn't really  connected with any of them (which is so uncommon for me) but Poe was my favourite cause he was funny. He was really good in this one, I thought he was funny, again him and Finn had a brilliant thing going. For whatever      reason this one made me appreciate Poe more.

I have some (general) grievances to air out now

I have to say one thing that really irks me about this trilogy is that none of the original characters reunite. The exception of which being everyone and Chewie. Also are we counting Luke and Leia's? I guess in the end they end up reunited in the force in the end either way but still. I mean really Han and Leia have their scene together, and I love that scene, but other than that nothing. No Han and Lando, no Han and Luke reunion. Han and Luke is the one that bothers me though cause them and Leia are the trio and Han and Luke are the only ones that don't reunite. We never see Leia and Lando together on screen either. It's a crime.

I don't know how I feel about Hux being the spy. I feel like it was just kinda lame, you know? Pretty predictable when you think about it, would have been cooler if he wasn't the spy. Seemed like it was just comic relief when it should have been a plot point.

I think it would have been cool if there were more Jedi in the final scene. Like all those Jedi voices spoke to Rey, but only Luke and Leia are there at the end? I get the symbolism with the lightsabers and Luke's place and all that, but still. Like at least, you know, Obi Wan or Anakin. This is one of those full circle things but still, I think it would have been a cool scene.

Okay so this is just me being petty but like I don't care it bothers me. The fact that they keep acting like the lightsaber Rey has is Luke's when it's actually Anakin's bothers me. I know it's a little thing and Not Important but it's dumb. Cause it's not Luke's lightsaber, Luke made his own later on.

Also the fact that they started calling it Rey's lightsaber annoys me so much for the       same reason. She has her own lightsaber now, leave Anakin's alone.

Okay so, we have reached the point where I start talking about things a bit more, bear with me (if people even bother to read this at all idc this is mostly just for me to rant and stuff):

So like look, I'll be the first to say not a Kylo Ren fan. He had potential, I will give him that, and that's where I'm going with this. The other movies had him as this whiny, try hard, Darth Vader wannabe and I just really didn't vibe with that. I mean this is the first real villian since Darth Vader (not counting palpsy during the prequels cause he was just behind the scenes and every movie had a different Bad Guy) and he throws a temper tantrum. Those stormtroopers were hilarious but still. But anyway, did not expect to come out of this movie having wished Kylo Ren was in it more. If they had had him be the way he was in this one the whole time, I might have actually liked him. He did some cool stuff for once in this one so let's discuss that:

I talk about things being full circle a lot (but with movies as nostalgic as Star Wars there should be full circle, fight me) but him fighting with Anakin's lightsaber was very full circle

I do like that it was Leia's death that triggered his return to the light side (I mean I'll get into some things about that later) as opposed to some romance bullshit with Rey. I really don't ship them, like at all, and I think it makes it more compelling that it was his mother's death instead.

He did some cool shit at the beginning, that fight scene was cool. I like the part where he slams the guy down on the ground, don't ask me why I have no idea. I saw it in the trailer and I liked it.

The Han Solo in him really jumped out in the end there and it was really entertaining

The fight with the Knights of Ren was really cool (besides that one jump thing he       did cause I see where they were going with it but it just didn't look as good)

What was definitely cool is the part where he pulls the lightsaber out from behind his back, that was a cool move

Alright so here's my thing and this is gonna make me sound bad probably but like as already established, I don't really like the new characters as much. I just didn't connect with them on the same level as the past trilogies characters, which is fine it's whatever. But I am just gonna say it, I don't really like Rey. But here's my thing, I've always been indifferent towards her but like not really caring either was but there are some things she did in this one that just.. bothered me so this being my platform I'm gonna talk about it.

So the thing with Star Wars movies for me and most people is the family feel right. But like Rey just goes off on her own and ditches Finn, Poe, Chewie and Threepio all the time and like I get that she's sensing something or she wants to get to the death star but she could say something instead of just.. disappearing

Okay so here's another thing, and I know they wanted to find a way to tie it back to the originals but….. a Palpatine?? There are so many other characters they could have gone with but it's like they just wanted to do the 'watch the light side defeat the dark side' thing in as many ways as possible in one movie (Which I'll talk more about later)

Alright so here's my last solely Rey related point and like I don't know where people stand on this cause they seem to either love it or hate it. But Rey Skywalker?? Here's my thing, I've a really hard time getting past the Palpatine thing on that one. But also is that supposed to be the Rise of Skywalker? Because I don't know that I consider that to be rising for her.

Alright, on the topic of the light side vs. dark side thing. Yes I am aware that this is a fundamental part of Star Wars and always has been. However they did it in two      different ways in the same movie. Here's the thing I don't like Rey or Kylo Ren over each other, I have the same level of indifference with both of them. So this isn't me being a Ben Solo stan, promise cause I could not possibly care less if they bring him back, I'm not gonna fight them on it. But the storyline of him overcoming the dark side, would have been more interesting to me. Because I knew Rey wasn't gonna go to the dark side, this is Star Wars. But I wish we could have seen Kylo/Ben struggle with the dark side vs the light side more. I mean they gave us such a good look at it with Anakin, we watched him struggle and fall. That to me would have been rising.

Not to mention Palpsy literally just tries to use the same trick on Rey that he       already tried to use on Luke. That's not full circle, that's Palps being dumb.

Okay, now for the full circle nonsense I keep talking about. The thing with this is that it probably would have been the things you do over two movies and not just the one but just cause they didn't write them that way doesn't mean I can't imagine it.

For one thing, I'd have had Ben kill Palpatine.

Hear me out: Palps himself refers to Ben as the "Last of the Skywalkers" and given that Palpatine is the reason behind all the Skywalker drama from the beginning. With that being said, having the last of the Skywalkers kill Palpatine and thus end his insane, saga long reign over the universe would have been amazing

Not to mention this would be finishing what his grandfather started which was his thing the whole time. Anakin tried to kill Palpatine at the end, and having the last Skywalker, the last of Anakin's blood genuinely finish what he started would have brought the whole thing to an end

Along the same lines as that, the power the all of the Jedi scene would have in that case (and I'm saying this like he was good for more than the last 10 minutes of the movie) been so much more powerful. To have him hear Anakin's voice, like he always wanted but guiding him towards the light instead. Not to mention his mother.

And also, small thing but on the topic of finishing what Anakin started and all that but his grandson, the last of his blood (I'm gonna keep using that) using his lightsaber, the very one he had when he first fell to the dark side, to kill Palpatine once and for all would have been one of those full circle moments that I expected the movie to have more of.

 SO yeah that's everything, all my thoughts and feelings. This literally took me forever to finish. It's been like 5 months but it's Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with You!) so I had to cram to get it done or I'd die. Plus once it started to get away from when the movie actually came out, I figured I'd wait for it to come out on Disney+ and it has so here we are. I'm glad to be done with this and get it all out cause I honestly just don't care for that movie. I'd rather watch Clone Wars (the finale was soooo good).  Anyways, peace out and may the force be with you, always!  -Moony

[aboutcaseyaffleck]

Casey Affleck Is a Full-Time Flag Football Coach, Part-Time Actor

The quiet Affleck is known for soul searching performances, but mostly he's just trying to call the right play.

Looking for Casey Affleck? Head to the park. It’s where he’s doing some of his finest work — and spending a hell of a lot of time. 

“My son got into flag football so I started coaching it,” says the actor and father of two. “I coach his team and then the parents of his friends asked me to coach their team. I coach three flag football teams and a baseball team.”

The last time we saw Affleck, 43, on screen, he was a burnout saddled with raising a nephew he didn’t want after his own kids died in a house fire. The sublimely quiet performance earned him a best actor Oscar for Manchester by the Sea. But it was just a performance. Despite his introverted public persona — so much for that Ocean’s 11 loudmouth — Affleck is incredibly present in his children’s lives and specifically on the sidelines of their various games. In fact, Affleck explains that he has eschewed blockbusters to ensure he has time with his sons, Indiana, 15, and Atticus, 11. He didn’t want to show up after they were already out of the house. He wanted a major role in their lives.

But don’t think that his turn as a dad is a conventional leading man part. The actor who plotted a murder as a sociopathic teenager in Gus Van Sant’s 1995 classic To Die For, the guy who gunned down Brad Pitt in 2007’s The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, isn’t what you’d call a cool dad. He says he lectures his sons, annoying them constantly. “Here’s a tip,” he laughs. “If you’re driving in a car with two kids and you turn around and see they’re both wearing headphones, you’re talking too much.”

Still, that’s not going to convince Hollywood’s most notoriously reserved star to stop talking.

“I could talk about my kids all day. Being a parent has taught me more about myself and about life than any other experience I have ever had. I want to soak up every minute of it. It’s a priority I’m happy I have,” says Affleck, who will debut Light of My Life, an exquisite yet grounded film he wrote about a father and daughter navigating a post-apocalyptic world this summer. He says the science fictional elements are sort of a metaphor for his anxieties as a parent. (Not-so-much the flag football playcalling anxieties. More the bigger stuff.)

Affleck spoke to Fatherly about being a nearly full-time youth sports coach, how parenthood changed his career, and how his sons influenced his new film.

I’m told you are quite the dedicated coach. Are you, like me, all about winning?

I’m that coach inside, but I try to contain it. I love doing it. I was never into football when I was a kid. My son got into flag football so I started coaching it. I coach his team and the parents of his friends asked me to coach their team. I coach three flag football teams and a baseball team.

Coaching to me is incredibly rewarding. To have the kind of relationship with your kid in a different way is really great. They come home and they critique my coaching style. They write plays for me. They do it with me. It’s an extra little bonding experience. Also, I get to know other kids. When you’re the coach, they give you a kind of authority you don’t deserve. There’s a lot of trust and respect. There’s a mob of kids over here at the house all the time. They don’t always listen, but when you’re their coach, it’s a different relationship.

When I talked to you a few years ago, you were wary of even revealing your first son’s name. How have you kept them out of the spotlight? I mean, look at your brother Ben Affleck. He gets it so bad.

He does get it bad. If you’re two celebrities who are married, that is just gossip and fodder and crack. It’s double trouble. Jennifer Garner being so famous and Ben… they just get the worst it. I hate it for my nieces and nephew. It’s so intrusive. It’s so awful. They manage it really well. They talk to the kids about it and explain it. With my kids, I think it helps that the paparazzi don’t care about me that much, which is amazing and thank God for that. I was really vigilant early on about protecting my private life and making choices that would keep me out of the spotlight. I didn’t do that much press. I wouldn’t talk about my kids. But my kids now give me career advice. They’re old enough.

Like what tips do they give you?

My son told me I had to get a verified Instagram account. My heart sank. I need all the help I can get. My son is 15 and knows what it is. At a certain point, you can protect from the world but then you have to move into the world with them. To me, that has meant allowing them to be online with the rest of the world.

In terms of your career, did your Oscar change things for you in a major way? I know you’re particular about what you work on.

You can be very picky and still end up in things that aren’t great. There’s no formula. I would like to rethink my strategy of being so picky. I don’t put being successful or being in a great movie ahead of everything else in my life. This summer, I wanted to spend the summer with my 15 year old. I didn’t want to be away all summer, no matter how good a project it was. It’s been tough. I’ve had to let go of a lot of professional experiences that I really wanted. I wanted to be at home more. Winning the Oscar didn’t change anything. It’s not me being regretful.

Do your kids care that you’re an actor? Have they seen your movies?

They have very little interest in watching the movies I do. They care about when I talk to them about movies. That way they can understand that I actually do something. Some parents work in banks or in schools. I act. It’s a little harder for younger kids to grasp. I ask for their advice all the time on what projects to do. When the movies come out, they’re not that interested. They don’t go to the movie theater that much. They like plays. I took my youngest kid, at 11 and two of their friends, to the sound stage when I was shooting this movie. They lasted about four minutes. They went to the hallway and played tag.

Let’s talk about the new movie, Light of My Life. The opening scene with Anna Pniowsky, who plays your daughter, is so intimate, so sweet, especially when you’re telling her the bedtime story you made up on the fly.

It was pretty easy and relaxed. For one thing, Anna is just naturally a great actress. She’s relaxed on camera. She has a lot of emotional intelligence and depth that is apparent. But also, like with any scene, the scene begins the first minute you meet them. Anna and I — I love her to death. We got along so well. She’s such a sweet kid. But the time we got into shooting that scene, she was in a groove.

This movie is about an apocalyptic future, but it’s mostly about being a dad. Could you have written it before you had kids?

I wouldn’t have written the role if I wasn’t a dad in real life. It’s about being a parent to me. All the science fiction stuff, the action, that was secondary. My experience with being a parent… that’s what it’s all about. The dynamic with me and Anna is stuff I draw on from being a dad.

How did your kids influence the development of the film?

My oldest son came to a reading of a scene and he gave me two pages of notes. They were the best notes that I got from anyone. I’ll save them forever. At the end of every movie, I make a t-shirt for everyone on the crew. On the back of the shirt, I put all his notes. Some of it was from his point of view. Some of it was objective stuff about storytelling. There’s too many moments where I’m like this or like that. They were sophisticated suggestions.

So you’re basically saying, you benefitted from child labor.

Yes, for sure. I’ll put something extra in his allowance.

On a not wholly unrelated note, I’m curious how you, as a celebrity father and well-known guy, work to ensure that your children don’t become entitled. I think it’s something a lot of parents worry about. I know I do.

Oh man. Just the fact you care is 80 percent of it. But I have to give credit to their mom. Their mom has done the best job and has an innate understanding of how to raise good kids.

I’ve been in places where there is extreme poverty. Seeing those kids can really give you a great perspective on parenting — suddenly their finicky eating doesn’t seem like such a giant problem. Our culture of fear and hyper-vigilance and media saturation can be an obstacle to giving them roots and letting them go a little bit. You have to trust that they’ll be ok.

I think that’s dead on. I also think it’s hard not to overthink and under-do.

The thing that affects them more than anything is how you live. If you’re on your phone 24 hours a day, they will be too. If you’re an entitled person, they’re more likely to be that way.

And you can’t indulge their every demand or whim, which is pretty damn hard.

My son said he should start thinking about getting a car. I told him to start thinking about getting a job. I’m not the parent that will buy them a car. They will have to earn it like I did. They give me that look like, ‘Give us a break!’ and I wonder if I am being too hard.

I do want them to hang out with me when they’re older and when they have kids.

What do you do that totally, utterly humiliates your kids? Every parent has at least one of those behaviors.

I’m overwhelmed thinking about all the embarrassing things I do. The things that make me suddenly cringe are all the dumb things I’ve said and done as a parent.

Here’s a good one: My son had a birthday party. There are these kids over here. It’s the best party I’ve had in my house in ten years. I found out that 15 year olds are really fun and I wanted to hang out. I said, ‘Let’s play some ping pong’ and I got the look. My son just looked at me like I was the least cool person he’d ever seen. He wanted me to give them space. I was trying to fit in.

[hazkiwislutt]

photograph: in love (part 5)

Harry felt like all he did was blink, and suddenly the luscious brown curls that flopped into his face turned into thin, grey strands. Suddenly, the smile lines that crinkled by his eyes were permanently etched deeply into his skin, smiling or not. Suddenly, he couldn’t prance around onstage and deliver the masses the performance of a lifetime, because Harry was old. 

His knees cracked when he struggled to walk to his bedroom (Y/N and him had traded the luxurious home that they spent most of their life in for a smaller one-story when it became a marathon to simply saunter to the bathroom), his back groaned in agony when he woke up in the morning, and his hands couldn’t play the guitar the way they used to, because Harry was old. He was old, and he’d lived a full and complete life with Y/N and his daughters (the second of which had been born four years after the first). 

Harry was old, and although his fans and the tabloids had speculated what an old soul he was when he was younger, his body finally caught up. But even though Harry was old, inside and out, Y/N made him feel like he was young. 

Y/N, the love of his life, who had been faithful and loving and kind and supportive to him for nearly four decades, was the only person who made him feel as if he could still run up the stairs two at a time, as if he could spring up from bed in a spritely manner every morning, as if he could shred the guitar in Madison Square Garden: all things he used to do. 

Harry had woken up this morning earlier than usual, because today was not just any special day. Today was Y/N’s sixtieth birthday, and so while she snored peacefully away in their bed, Harry gently untangled her legs from his and removed her arm from across his stomach, beginning the task of rolling out of bed, groping the bedside table for his glasses, and limping to the kitchen to make her breakfast. 

Once he made it to the kitchen, he had to stop and lean against the counter to catch his breath before shakily reaching to open the cabinet and get a mixing bowl for the pancakes he was going to make her. He busied himself in the kitchen, tottering around to gather ingredients for Y/N’s breakfast and smiling as he passed the multitude of pictures that framed the walls of his and Y/N’s cozy home. Years of touring and making music resulted in a fortune that would follow Harry long after he was gone, but he and Y/N found no need to continue living a lavish lifestyle, a more subdued routine becoming more practical as they grew older. 

As Harry finished making the batter and prepared to ladle the mixture onto the griddle, he heard a soft knock at their front door. He made his way down the hall, careful not to shuffle too loudly in fear of waking up Y/N before his surprise was completed. He answered the front door, opening it to reveal their seventeen-year-old neighbor holding a bouquet of sixty buttercups (they were Y/N’s favorite, since she said that they looked more interesting than plain roses and their name was cute). Harry had tasked the boy (his name was Alec) to pick up the flowers for him so that he had time to make Y/N’s breakfast. 

“Here, Mr. Styles. You don’t have to pay me back, honest, ‘cause it’s the greatest thing to see that love actually, like, exists, and lasts a lifetime... I mean, you and Mrs. Styles have been together since you guys were in your twenties and you’re still doing things like this for her... It’s really inspiring.” Alec grinned, holding the bouquet out for Harry to take. Harry grinned back, taking the flowers and holding them securely to his chest. 

“Love exists, an’ it does last. Don’ let anyone tell yeh any different, an’ don’ give up. It’ll find yeh... sometimes in the form of a Bambi-legged girl an’ a scorching hot cup o’coffee.” 

... 

Y/N woke up to the cold sheets on Harry’s side of the bed, grunting a little as she felt around to verify that, yes, Harry was indeed not in bed next to her. She rolled around slowly, reaching for her glasses as her bones and joints creaked. She swung her feet onto the floor, stretching before heaving herself up and shuffling out of the room. She smelled Harry and his pancakes before she rounded the corner and saw them, but when she did, her cheeks flushed and her heart beat erratically: something only Harry could continue to make her do, no matter how much time had passed. 

He was dressed in a pair of beige slacks, a lavender button down with flowers embroidered on it, and pastel pink fuzzy socks, grinning as he gestured to the table he’d set up for her. The buttercups were situated in a simple white vase next to her pancakes, which were drowned in strawberry chocolate sauce and accompanied by strawberry milk and a smiley-face bacon and eggs. Balloons that read, “Happy birthday!” were tied to her chair, and two silver ones that were shaped as a six and zero were floating around the kitchen freely. 

“Happy birthday, love o’mine,” Harry exclaimed, opening his arms and feeling tingly all over because after all these years, he could still make her blush and shy away in the most adorable fashion. She scooted over to him, grinning bashfully as she pressed her head to his chest and breathed in deeply, intertwining their fingers.

“You brought out the Tom Ford? Really, now? What are you, twenty-four?” She jabbed him in the center of his chest before he craned his neck down and chased her finger, playfully biting the tip of it and making her laugh, the same dolphin-and-duck laugh she’d had since they were young (but with a little bit of a wheeze to it). 

“Oh, Bambi, age is jus’ a number, especially when ‘ve got yeh t’keep me young.” He waggled his eyebrows at her playfully, giving her a gentle swat on her behind that made her squeal, “Harry Styles! I’ll not let you defile me this morning before I’ve had my breakfast!” He laughed, pecking her on the lips and murmuring a quiet, “But yeh’re gonna let me defile yeh t’night for dessert, right, love?” She shushed him and pushed off his chest to situate herself at the table in front of her breakfast, before turning a bit and winking at him. 

“What a minx! Did anyone else see tha’? Sneaky thing, yeh are,” Harry giggled as he sat next to her, holding her hand in his as they both dug in. 

Harry looked at her, taking in the loose flannel pajama pants she was wearing, along with the faded, threadbare pastel pink sweater with “Harry” embroidered in red print on the chest: the same one she’d been wearing when she’d crashed (literally) into Harry’s’ life with a cup of coffee, the same one she’d worn the night before their wedding when she and Harry had snuck out of the rooms they were confined to so they could go stargazing (because to hell with superstitions, he and Y/N were still married and couldn’t have been more in love), the one she’d worn immediately after she’d given birth to both of their daughters (she’d been so overcome by post-pregnancy hormones that she’d cried for hours after putting it on). 

Yes, age was a number that went up annually, but some things never changed. 

... 

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.” Harry and Y/N were ambling back home through the park, watching the sun set. A few hours prior, Harry had insisted they take a walk to their eldest daughter’s house, who lived on the other side of the neighborhood (she’d moved closer to be with her parents as they got older), only to be met with a small surprise party consisting of their eldest daughter and her husband, their second daughter and her wife, their grandchildren, and their oldest friends. 

It was a sweet party. Everyone was merry and Y/N’s heart was overwhelmed with so much love and appreciation for everyone in that room that she promptly broke down into tears when she blew out her candles (Y/N truly was more or less the same weepy girl with her Harry Styles sweater and a dolphin-and-duck laugh). 

As she took her time walking home with Harry, admiring the sunset and feeling the summer breeze ruffle their clothes, she couldn’t believe all that she’d accomplished in life, all that she’d experienced. She couldn’t believe the love she’d given and gotten, and the people that came into her life and left. Y/N was happy, so, so happy, and she had Harry to thank for such a lovely day. 

“Know I didn’t, but how could I not, when ‘ve been with the love o’my life for thirty-eight years? Deserve the world, an’ that’s wha’ I promised yeh when I first made yeh mine, didn’t I?” Harry’s hand swung loosely with hers, and she stopped them in their path so that she could face him, looking at him with eyes that shone bright with love. 

“Thirty-eight years, and I don’t think a whole other lifetime could ever make me stop falling in love with you, Harry.” Her voice had dropped to a frail tremble, and he knew she’d start weeping again, so he pressed his lips against hers. 

“Oi, s’enough crying fo’ today. S’supposed t’be a happy day, Bambi. Stop tha’ now.” He swiped the tears from under her thick glasses while she smoothed out the creases in his embroidered shirt, which he’d coupled with a sweater vest upon leaving the house. “I love yeh, my weepy, weepy girl.” She giggled, and allowed them to continue on their path. 

...

When they arrived home, Harry sat her down on their bed, telling her he had one last present for her before he’d give her “the type o’ loving that’ll make yeh feel like we’re twenty-four again”, to which she’d responded with a slap to his behind this time. 

Harry was especially excited to give Y/N this present, because it was something he’d worked hard on. Throughout the entirety of his time with Y/N, Harry truly hadn’t hid anything from her (save for the one time he’d stupidly stayed in LA with his ex-girlfriend and neglected Y/N and his oldest daughter because he was too nice to refuse his manager, but the fight from that event made him learn his lesson) except for this, a present he’d been working on for years... thirty-eight years, to be exact. 

He wasn’t entirely sure how he’d pulled it off, really. He always thought she’d find it in their closet or that he’d accidentally spoil the surprise, but he never did. And now, as Harry walked into their closet and knelt down to lift it from an unlabelled, brown cardboard box, he was jittery with excitement (and a little nervous that the surprise would be too much on her heart). Y/N had no fuckin’ idea what he was about to give to her, and he let out a short squeal to relieve some of the energy that was bouncing around in him.

He held it behind his back as he exited the closet, peeking around the corner of the door to see her sat on their bed, with her beloved camera that held all of the pictures of all of the people she loved. She wore a cute half-smile on her face, and Harry couldn’t help but choke up a bit. He’d dated this girl for five years. He’d married her, and had two daughters with her, and loved her with all of his being. That was his girl. 

Harry cleared his throat, and her eyes shot up to meet his, the crinkles by her eyes becoming more prominent as she grinned at him, setting the camera gently by her side. Harry shuffled towards her, still keeping the present hidden behind his back, before struggling to kneel down in front of her, his knees groaning in protest. 

“Now, love, I don’ have a preamble fo’ this, so m’just gonna give this t’yeh, an’ m’gonna pray yeh don’ die on me from the shock. If yeh’re gonna die from anything tonight, s’gonna be from m’tongue lickin’ into yeh’re-mmph!” 

Laughing her obnoxiously loud laugh, Y/N had smushed her lips against his, startling him and effectively cutting off the rest of Harry’s innuendo. 

“Just show it to me, Styles, so I can show you how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me today.” 

Harry breathed in shakily, hands jittery as he prepared to produce the gift from behind his back. He slowly brought it into her view, and she cocked her head to the side as she studied it. It was a plain black album with her name embroidered in the front cover, incredibly thick and a bit tattered and dusty from the years it had been kept hidden away. He held it out to her, and she took it from him gently, still unsure of what it was, but Harry was waiting for her to open it and see for herself. 

Her fingers found the edge of the cover, carefully pulling the album open and observing the first page. It was a blank page, adorned with golden trimmings around the border of the paper and the short, simple phrase, “I could never forget you, Bambi” in the center of the page, written by Harry in black ink. She smiled, looking up at him fondly for a moment before returning her attention back to the album, and now Harry’s heart began to race and his breathing began to quicken. She turned to the next page, and Harry’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest as he heard her gasp with realization at what her present was. 

As expected, tears welled up in her eyes as she turned through pages and pages of pictures of... her. 

Y/N, who had spent all of her life taking pictures of the people she loved so that she would never forget them like the little brother she lost before she ever got to know, was looking at thirty-eight years worth of pictures that Harry had taken of her, because Harry was never going to forget her. 

Suddenly, Y/N’s chest felt too tight to breathe properly as she skimmed the pages, the pictures divided into sections and labelled different titles, such as “jealousy” and “pride” and “sadness” and “joy”, and oh, Y/N’s heart was going to burst. She was fully crying now, setting the album to the side, along with her camera, and reaching for Harry to come smother her against the soft sheets of their bed. He stood up as fast as he could (it did take him a minute, but Y/N didn’t care) and toppled onto her, giggling and flailing around wildly. 

“I love you, I love you, oh, Harry, I love you so much. I’ve loved you for so long, and God, I could never stop.” Harry cradled her in his arms as they faced each other on their bed, smiling stupidly at each other. 

“I love yeh more, m’girl, m’Bambi. Yeh’re the best thing t’ever happen t’me. Happy birthday, love.” Y/N blushed a pretty pink, before tugging him up to a sitting position. She reached beside her for her camera, which lay next to the open photo album, and turned it on. 

“C’mere, love, I’ve got four out of five pictures of you for the collection. I need the last one to make it complete.” Harry scooted next to her, surprised when she held the camera at arm’s length and leaned in to kiss him, lips pressed tightly together as the flash washed over them, capturing both of them hopelessly, utterly in love. 

{THE END}

{ hey guys, it’s athena!! this is my first miniseries & i hoped you liked it, i tried pretty hard on it & i’m proud of her!! this isn’t the end the end of photograph harry & Y/N, i’m definitely going to want to write blurbs about them, but this is the end for a little while at least! anyways, i hope you liked this miniseries & i hope you enjoy the other writing i plan to put up soon!! }