#been dealing with alot of schoolwork and close deadline stuff cuz honestly this whole online school system we have is just
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Burying this under reblogs later cuz uhhh ksbejagsh
#Personal ramble time#don't screenshot these and reblog only for the art#sorry my behaviour has been eratic today#I just haven't been doing so hot lately and I guess if the more the pendulum swings one way the more it swings the other#been dealing with alot of schoolwork and close deadline stuff cuz honestly this whole online school system we have is just#really confusing and frustrating that I've either been putting off doing them or not knowing I have certain projects in the first place#God I hate online school so much..#I also have my side Kumon workbooks which are daily and have also been draining my time#I've also been dealing with more personal issues especially regarding my art#Everything just feels so confusing and frustrating#Lately these past few days things have only gotten worse as my aunt has been tested positive for COVID and I've now been forced to#interact with my mom more#She's not a bad person overall but she can end up hurting me alot#I've received nothing but a bipolar mix of neutrality and coldness and critizism cuz she thinks it'll push me to doing my schoolwork more#The thing is I suck as stress management and its only been stressing me and making me push my work away#it came to a top when I just experienced a full depressive episide all day and just couldn't bring myself to write a single essay#because I simply had no motivation and forcing myself to will only make me feel infinately worse#I recognize that this work is important and I should do it but it gets frustrating and draining#especially when people push me into doing it#I guess its that teenage rebellion thing#When I was finishing my exams yesterday I thought everything was looking up until everything just came crashing down later#And its worse since its all partly my fault#Sometimes I just wish our emotions had an on and off switch we can toggle so we can just do everything at full efficiency#My mom has apologized for her behaviour tonight which... I appreciate but everything she said for the past few days has drained me#I just want these bad habits and irrational anxieties to just go away so I can just view work like my art#just another part of my life that I don't have to fear#I've also haven't had the time to draw digitally much but its not really like I had the motivation to anyway#I guess thats another thing that iffs me#Again I just wish our emotions were optional#Sorry this was so long and personal
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