#beccas-blog

[bpdbecca]

I’m so tired of feeling unlovable.

[the-barnes-girl]

It’s so strange having no one depending on me. I have no idea where I am in the ways that matter, the people I used to put my entire soul into supporting are on their own now. And I’m just floating, useless

What am I expected to do?

[smoshidiot]

“you’re all strapped up”

[dreamy-roses]

Becca & Matt ♥

These two went on a walk at the beach during their vacation and Matt finally popped the question! 💍 Of course Becca said YES! (Yes I changed Matt's outfit for the proposal hehe 😅)

[becca-barnes-official]

@littlemsbumblebee @flightlaw @luna-barton13

@anthonyedwardstark1970

AND OF COURSE MY OTHERRR SISTER

@moongirlwidow

[shelleyhennigsource]

SHELLEY HENNIG Teen Wolf: The Movie (2023)

[autumnsoldier13]

Watching the new episode of The Rings of Power who’s happy for me?

[becca4leafclover]

im missing my hermitpad days I miss writing Tree of Life and Icarus and Vexations!! Tree of Life is the one everyone cared about but Icarus was my BABY. Tattoo AU was also fun but too long of a commitment and I was afraid to make any hermit an antagonist cause this was back in the days of S6 where you couldnt make anyone except DocM an antagonist or you got slaughtered in the comments but Tattoo AU NEEDED several antagonists to work.

[lucienarcheron]

my tumblr has been glitching on me the past few days. If you see this post can you interact with it in some way?

[b3llalution]

nikki bella's finally on top & she's about to shine. independent, selective, private. kayfabe compliant, more often than not heel nikki bella. managed by pearl. ♡

[ho-for-joequinn-fics]

Going through my followers this weekend to clean them out. Just a friendly reminder that if your blog looks like this

or does not have an age listed anywhere in plain sight, that is an automatic block.

So if you don’t want to be blocked from following me or seeing my content anymore, then it would be smart to add your age to your profile because come tomorrow, I will be blocking every single ageless blog.

I’m giving the actual active people/non bots the time to add their age to their bio so they don’t risk getting blocked. So yeah, come tomorrow evening when I go through my list of followers, if you still don’t have an age listed, you will be added to my long list of blocked accounts.

[bpdbecca]

Anyone wanna share what’s the worst part for them?

I think for me it’s the chronic emptiness. I hate feeling so alone. But also abandonment issues and anger. Ugh.

[bookloversstudioco]

This series had me crying

[sketchesandnonesense]

I feel like hell so I'm having profoundly Selfish thoughts today like

"I wonder if any doll makers would want to do a make-a-wish for my pathetic cancer riddled ass and make me a doll just right to my specifications as some kinda charitable christmas miracle"

Like

A doll is a very time consuming thing to make. And expensive. Theres a reason sculptors n customizers are expensive.

It's stupid to even think about.

Like yeah I'm 2 years into dealing with cancer and things are not looking Great if I'm entirely honest but I dont have an expiration date on my forehead and given the circumstances with the people in my life I am incredibly lucky.

So like.

I feel like a bad person even thinking about it.

Yknow?

Idk. Putting a cut just bc maybe it'll make me feel like I have SOME shame about overthinking this if that makes sense.

But I can't get the thought out of my head. Like.

Maybe in some fucked up way it could be mutually beneficial if they were one of those youtuber types or even just a smaller maker.

Doing something like bringing a cancer patient's dream doll to life could turn heads. Would make one hell of a good youtube video, for sure. Lol.

Worst thing is though is just. My dream doll is BB. Theres details I could alter and concede on and things but for the most part I want her to be directly like my sketches. Cartoony and simple.

I feel like I'm like a loser telling a sob story on deviantart saying my mom's uncle's hamster died n the only thing to help is free art from a stranger. A shameless choose-y beggar with a sob story.

But if you'll let me be alil melodramatic for a minute just so I can get it out of my system.

But

I've loved dolls all my life. Not always seen myself as much of a collector, really, but I love them. And one thing I always wanted was a doll that was Mine. Made exactly how I wanted, just for me. No hangups, no skimping on things, no compromises. It was a pipe dream. I wanted to be a doll maker so badly. But I was never good with physical crafts. They never came out right (rarely even came out GOOD at that). I tried and tried everything I could. Making plushies, clay, customizing pre-existing dolls, anything. Nothing worked. I just am not cut out for doll making.

So, I accepted this was something I needed a professional to do for me. And over the years I've trusted people with my characters and while I do adore the work I've gotten. None of it's ever Done It. Because I was always having to make a dozen little sacrifices. Having to account for the artist's style. Sometimes the design had to change to be more feasible and so it didnt cost as much. Sometimes it just straight up didnt turn out.

I remember as a kid I got enough christmas money to commission an itty bitty plush of my sonic OC from an expensive plush artist. I was so excited. I thought it was finally happening.

It was awful. Quality was mediocre at best. It was maybe 3 inches tall. And the eyes were this weird stiff fabric piece that kinda jutted out from the felt and looked glued on.

V petty side tangent, i know, but just kinda the first example where I tried to fufill this dream and it just. Fell through.

Its always still stuck with me through the years, trying again and again to make a doll, but all I have to show is boxes of half-used supplies im too ashamed to even look at.

And now I'm here again. Thinking about it.

I've said it before, but my past two years have been awful. 2023 was entirely eaten up by my chemo and radiation and recovering from having my entire stomach removed. Thought I was cancer free and was starting to find normal again. Then in january scans and biopsies I was told it came back. Liver, this time. This entire year has been trying different chemo drugs and scans and things looking up only to crash back down again.

And I'm so tired.

I actually was (technically still am) trying to commission someone to make my doll. Pay an artist properly like you should. I saved up and I figured I deserved it with everything. Im 27, I'm an adult, i can make my own decisions.

She didnt disclose she'd just moved. To a rural area. And was still struggling to get internet and plumbing situated. Or that there was much of a queue infront of me. Its my fault for not looking into it more and finding the practically defunct social medias and untouched-for-months trello page. I was promised a turnaround time within a month. That was back in august.

Anytime I check in there's always something new going wrong. Broken tablet pen, power outages, family stuff. I dont think she's a scammer or trying to make excuses. She's sweet. But im exhausted of waiting.

Im sort of just accepting I'm never seeing that money back, or getting my doll. The paypal protection will still let me charge back, but I'm not about to put a woman in her situation in the red, especially when she's got a kid to feed. Maybe she'll get done eventually, but if I can be morbid and dramatic, i think by that point BB would have to be a grave decoration.

And I can't bring myself to save up again hoping that maybe I can find another artist who MIGHT be able to bring her to life in the exact right way and maybe finally. FINALLY I can have this one thing in my life.

I guess it'd help for people who dont know jack shit if I actually showed the character on partially Why she'd have to be a christmas miracle.

Its not overly complicated or a really old Beloved OC. She's honestly one of my newer babies. But I made her SPECIFICALLY with the idea of her being my dream doll. And its very. Very silly.

But. This is BB:

I tried to imagine a character thatd be in a cartoon I'd watch as a kid and be VIOLENTLY mad didnt have some sort of doll I could buy, lol. Retro anime, cute and round, robot girl.

To avoid an infodump: she's a little fighting robot. Think medabots or angelic layer. She has a human who she's best friends with and she fights other cute little robot dolls. She talks only in beeps and boops and is 11inches tall (without antannae) and she's silly and I love her.

And she's my dream.

Imagining in my head the anime that I would've adored as a kid, and a doll thats literally her plucked off the screen. Not a barbie in an outfit, not something close enough, but the simplistic cartoony lil goofball.

I know its really. Really silly. Its silly to be caught up in this kind of idea and its silly to get all bent out of shape over and its silly I'm even like.

Putting these thoughts into the world

Feeling like a kid writing a letter to Santa

But thats it. Thats my wish or my dream or whatever. Its selfish. Its so so so selfish to imagine not just putting someone through doll making but making such a weird hard-to-translate-to-3d-space design and potentially having to work with me abunch to make sure she's just right. Without like. Thousands in compensation, lol.

Like I said, im willing to work with and do some adjustments to make her more do-able (fiddle w/ proportions alil, figure out a way to do the joints in a way that still fits her style while being actually moveable, more engineering side than aesthetics obvi lol. I really would love her to be stupid posable).

But i dont think that really probably means much

Idk.

I feel silly and selfish even putting this into the world but hey. Can't hurt to wish on stars and hope for christmas miracles. Right? It's not like I'm gonna go knocking on doors asking for something this batshit, lol.

Like. I wouldnt survive the shame.

If they dont respond I'll die of anxiety n guilt. Getting turned down might hurt even worse because then I'd know for sure they'd read it and probably felt Really Fucking Uncomfortable.

If i was a kid or whatever then maybe it'd be atleast endearing to get that kinda message insteada Just Sad.

No winning. Lol.

Im tired out now and the post-chemo-day agonies are starting to rev up again so I think I'm gonna go lay down now.

[dreamy-roses]

Becca & Matt ♥

Wedding Photos (1/5) THEY SAID YES TO EACH OTHER! Becca and Matt are now married! 💍 I'm so so happy for them! As I already mentioned I will spam you with wedding photos the next days so stay tuned! 😅 I'm curious what y'all think of the photos.

[becca-barnes-official]

Hey I’m going to bust Kamala( @kamala-msmarvel-khan) out of school want to come?

— @moongirlwidow

COUNT ME THE HECK IN!